#also i go out of my way to avoid nicotine

[pink-spaceturtle5]

In a fucking glorious turn of events, my weed pen is working again

[sweetiecutie]

AHHHH I NEED MORE KEEGAN IN MY LIFE PLEASE could you write some Keegan h/c?

Pairing: Keegan P Russ x fem! Reader

Warnings: just general stuff, language, bad driving, NSFW under the cut, mdni, spit kink

A/n: it’s not a lot, but it’s better than nothing😌 Keegan is such a bad bitch, he deserves more attention

• Starting off - I’m pretty sure that Keegan would want a civil partner; someone not related to military and actually as far as possible from all the war stuff. First of all, it’s to avoid having constant fear of losing you on the battlefield - it’s a highly dangerous job, sometimes coming out alive is not only a matter of skills, but also pure luck. Secondly, the amount of trauma and emotional damage Keegan carries is more than enough for two people - he needs someone grounded and, well, more stable, someone who will be able to give him a piece of blissful domestic life, faraway from all the constant war Keegan lives in.

• Always referring to you as his girl in conversations with other people or when introducing you to someone new. “That’s Y/n - my girl” “That’s for my girl, she likes pink” “My girl doesn’t like the smell of smoke so I’m trying to quit”. It’s also a way of showing everyone that you’re his - letting others know from the very beginning that you’re taken and no one better try anything with his precious girl, otherwise a few bones will be broken.

• Gives off annoying older brother vibes. He’ll always playfully nag you, and it’ll only become worse once you start dating. Placing stuff on the highest shelves just to watch you struggle to get it yourself, drawing some silly doodles on your notes, messing with your makeup that you spent nearly an hour organising neatly, punching your favourite plushie just to get a rise out of you. And of course, constant bickering! “Keegan, can you pass me that book?” - “Fuck no” *passes the book*. “Keegan, I want some sushi” - “Well shit, what am I supposed to do about that?” *already placing an order online on his phone*

• Another amazing driver here. Keegan has horrible road rage, hitting the car horn aggressively, yelling most intricate insults out the window at whoever that happened to piss him off. I also have a feeling the he drives really fast and reckless, teasing you whenever you ask him to go slower - so you better always buckle up. And yes, he definitely got in a few minor accidents - scratching or leaving indents on other car’s bumper.

NSFW here~*•.

• And while we’re speaking of driving - just imagine giving him a sloppy noisy head while being stuck in a long traffic. Keegan is seething with hot anger, rolling his eyes on other drivers, lack of nicotine adding to his distress. And here’s a sweet lovely you trying your best to make Keegan feel at least a tad bit better, soothing his booming annoyance with your silky tongue swirling around throbbing shaft, cheeks hollowing to provide stronger suction, allowing Keegan to set the pace. And it seemed to work wonders on him - his nape against the headrest of driver’s seat, pretty blue eyes half lidded, staring at the car ceiling, adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows hard, feeling your throat wrapped around his cock.

• Oh, how nasty he is. Biggest spit kink ever - ordering to open your mouth nice and wide just to spit a thick globe of saliva in it, then closing your jaw and making sure that you swallow it. Will gladly let you spit in his mouth as well; loooves messy wet kisses - either during make out session or after you gave him head, slurping up your spit mixed with his cum from your lips and chin. Very often uses his spit as lube, or telling you to spit in his palm before spreading it all over his needy leaking cock, plunging it deep inside your warmth.

• A horndog. You never have to ask him if he’s in a right mood because yes, he is. He is always in the mood to fuck. Now, he always lets you know that it’s totally fine if you say no - Keegan will never pressure or guilt trap you into any kind of intimacy, no means no. You can always cuddle up together or do something fun like cooking, dancing or simply dorking around. But if your sexdrive happens to match his - oh boy, I’m sorry for your neighbours. Let’s just say - there’s hardly any surface in your flat that you didn’t fuck on.

• It’s nothing new, but this mug is cocky. Like, I don’t think he has unimaginably big dick - not small for sure, but not huge as well; but the way he works with it - a chef’s kiss. Keegan just knows how to angle his hips to massage that one spot within you, how you like your clit to be played with, how he quickly discovers and memorises all the sweetest spots of your body. “Aw, cumming already? I barely touched you, does it feel this good?” - he’d purr, curling three of his long fingers inside of your needy cunny, thumb flicking swollen clit while hot mouth sucks on perked up nipples.

• Daddy kink? Daddy kink😏

Likes, reblogs and comments are highly appreciated! Feedback is very important, give writers some love<3

[sinsandsweetness]

I cannot stop reading all of ur fics!! They are amazing!

I also cannot stop thinking about shotgunning with Daryl.

Like Daryl and her have never spoken before but he finds her getting high somewhere and joins her. They start by passing the joint between them and he keeps staring or getting touchy with her then one of them bring up shotgunning and they do it and it leads to nasty fucking

If my dirty fantasy is too much please feel free to ignore 😘

hiiii thank you sweetie💗💗 this was supposed to be a little daydream but it kinda turned into a whole one shot so… enjoy:)

cw- 18+ content, smut, nervous subby Daryl, virgin? Daryl, smoking, hand stuff, afab reader (no pronouns used), not rllllly proofread… 1.4K wc

SHOTGUN

A guilty cloud of vapor dissipates into the cool evening air as you look to see whose footsteps are rounding the corner.

“Oh. Sorry.” He grumbles, halting to a stop. Immediately eyeing the half a joint you have left, burning by your side.

“All good.” You give him a shy nod after realizing it was only him. Not Rick or Carol, who would definitely have your ass for being out this late. Especially doing what you’re doing.

You stand there, not really knowing what else to say as he takes a carton of Malboros from his jacket. Leaning up against the concrete with a knee up, sole of his boot pressed to the wall. You watch as he lights his cigarette, though you get a feeling he’s a little more interested in what's lit up between your fingers.

He tips his head back as he blows his smoke into the air. The light and spacey feeling in your mind allows you to relax in front of the typically rather intimidating bowman.

“You smoke?” You realize the second he looks over that it sounded like a stupid question.

“I mean obviously you smoke but… like smoke, smoke?”

“Before…,” he waves his hand towards the courtyard, “Yeah. ‘bit.”

You nod, thinking it would be awfully rude if you don't offer him a hit. He’s the reason you and the rest of the prison ate tonight. The least you could do is share your little treat.

“Do you want some?”

He answers with a hesitant shrug. Like he definitely wouldn't mind but he also doesn't want to say it out loud.

“Here,” You walk over and stand in front of him, a bit closer than he was expecting, though he doesn't seem to mind. Pretty thing like you, no way in hell would he object to you getting all up in his personal space.

He takes the joint from you and hands you his cigarette, to which both of you take a long drag. Trading smokes for a moment. He breathes out with a sigh. Like the instant floaty feeling was something he actually really missed.

“Don’t think we’ve met yet.” He says as the two of you continue to switch your smokes with every hit.

“I already know who you are. The famous Daryl Dixon.” You tease, mindlessly going to touch the buttons on his vest. Unknowingly sending his heart rate on a damn car chase.

He snorts at your comment, shaking his head as he lets the smoke billow out of his lips.

“I’m serious. Everybody knows who you are.”

He clearly doesn't take compliments very well because he just chews on his inner lip, taking his cigarette and putting it out on the wall. Less interested in nicotine after trying your little treat.

“Are you always this quiet?” You ask, not knowing where your boldness is coming from, but chalking it up to the reefer now resting in between Daryl's fingers.

He doesn’t answer. Just takes another hit. Avoiding your gaze.

You lean in all close, gently grabbing his free hand and guiding it to your waist. “Am I making you nervous?”

“You’re definitely not helpin’, that’s for sure.” He keeps breaking eye contact. Trying to look anywhere but your lips. Though his lack of manners is only out of nerves and he's praying that you recognize that. He’s not trying to be rude.

“Have you ever shotgunned before?” You ask, grabbing the last few hits left of the little joint. He shakes his head, the movement so subtle that you might not notice if you weren't so desperate to kiss him right now.

You smile softly. Knowing that if you laugh even the slightest bit, you might scare him off.

“Mkay. Just part your lips. I’ll go first.” You take a drag, the familiar feeling stinging in the back of your throat as you inhale. You lean in as close as you can, until your lips are actually grazing his. Exhaling slowly as he breathes you in. Immediately noticing the way his hand twitches where it’s resting on your waist.

“Ok,” You lean back only enough to hold the last of the joint in between his parted lips, “Your turn. Last one.” He inhales, as long and deep as he can, making the most out of the burning ember between your fingernails. Tossing it to the ground, you lean back in, lips brushing his own as he exhales for you. And with one hand resting on his thigh, you pull on his jacket, forcing him to close the gap between you. Pressing your lips to his. Tasting weed and smoke and the warmth of his tongue. His other hand is already at the back of your neck, pulling you forward and deepening the kiss.

There we go.

And though he’s still a little nervous, instincts kick in and he pulls you flush against him. Jeans tight in the groin as the hand on your waist snakes its way down to your ass, giving you a nice squeeze.

“Mhm,” your sound is quiet against his mouth, but it doesn't make its way past Daryl’s ears. His cock twitches in his jeans at the realization. And he definitely isn't prepared when you start to grind into him, the friction forcing a little sound of his own to escape against your lips.

“Damn,” he pulls away for a second. Breathing heavy as he readjusts his grip on the locks at the base of your skull.

“This ok?” You ask, teeth knocking gently as you start as his belt. Loving the way his breath hitches at your touch.

“Right here?” He seems a little surprised at your forwardness, but in all honesty he wouldn't care if you were in the middle of the freakin’ woods. He knew the second you approached him that he wouldn't be able to say no. Not to your pretty face.

“Nobody out here but us.” You reason. Moving to kiss down his neck. His breaths get deeper and deeper the more you play with him. Hands stroking him through his boxers, while you suck a sweet little love bite onto his collarbone. To blush at later when he sees it in the bathroom mirror.

“Uh- okay. Yeah.” He swallows hard. The fact that you actually want to fuck him right here, right now gives him all the courage he needs to spin you around and press you up against the concrete.

Fuck. Yes.

He starts kissing you again. Messier this time. Less worried about you pulling away and never speaking to him again. Not that that option ran through your mind even once. He’s just a bit of an over thinker.

You grab his hand and lead it between your legs. Letting him know that it’s ok. That you want him.

“You can touch me too, y’know. I don’t bite. Well…” you trail off into a breathy moan of a laugh as he starts to rub you through your sleep pants, messy and inexperienced but trying nonetheless. He takes your moans as a good sign and dips his fingers past the waistband. No underwear to toy with before he reaches your cunt. Already dripping with arousal.

You follow suit and reach under his boxers to stroke up and down his surprisingly thick shaft.

“Fuck,” he mumbles against your lips. “You’re- uh- you’re so wet.”

“Mphm…” you buck your hips further onto his fingers. Loving how they fill you up so nicely.

“You’re really good at that,” you squeeze your eyes shut as he rests his forehead against yours, curling his fingers and hitting that spot that makes your knees feel all weak. The two of you stay like that until there’s nothing but raspy, muffled moans leaving your throats. Hot, open mouthed kisses while both your hips jerk forward into each other's hands.

“Keep going, keep going,” you beg against his lips. Praying that he won’t stop or switch his rhythm.

“I’m close.” He warns you, unsuccessfully trying to settle his breathing.

“Me too.” You bring him in for one last kiss and feel a hot rope of cum melt onto your hand. Your own orgasm washing through you as finger fucks you as fast as his wrist will let him.

You rest your head against the wall as the two of you catch your breaths. Thinking about the fact that you just jerked off an almost complete stranger. Hell, Daryl probably doesn’t even know your name. Not that it matters. He wants to know a lot more than your name now.

You bring your fingers to your mouth, giving him a wicked little smirk as you suck his seed off your knuckles. Cleaning up his mess. Watching you with wide eyes and parted lips, his cock starts to stir once again.

“Y’know, I don’t have a bunk mate. If you wanna take this somewhere else-”

“Uhuh.” He nods, fumbling to fix his jeans as you wipe your hands on your pajama pants.

You try to contain your excitement, but you’re smiling like and idiot the whole way back to your bunk. Dragging him by the hand and imagining just how fun it’ll be to watch his pretty blue eyes roll back as you make him into a moaning mess underneath you.

-

taglist- @rickswh0r3 @elnyrae @murder-jacket @miinbun @ankhmutes @eternalrose81 @cl0wnb0yyy @grimesthinker @whatthefuuuck @olive3oil @taylormarieee

[propertyofwhitney67]

When I saw the answers about how Whitney would react to a dead PC, I couldn’t help but send it to you sorry. I’m not even a writer, but I woke up with this random urge. Have a nice day though! -😭 anon

First thing’s first: Denial. 

You’re not really dead, right? They’d probably forget you’re gone the first few days after your passing. They’d wait in the park when it’s raining with their cigarette for you to show up as always with the occasional milkshake before it hits them that you’re never going to step foot in that park again. 

They don’t even attend maths classes anymore. It hurts to see your empty chair.

However, I feel like Whitney would quite quickly float through the first stage and land hard in the second: anger.

WHY did you leave them? WHY did YOU, the only person who doesn’t irritate them, the only person they'd loved like that, have to FUCKING leave them? Their friends had to suffer through his small outbursts occasionally too. I feel like he’d lose a few of them over it.

Though it wouldn’t get too physical until they finally stepped foot in maths class to see somebody sitting in YOUR seat. The seat YOU always sat on when you were alive. The seat they’d always shove other students from just to sit next to.

Let’s just say, things weren’t pretty, and that student was beaten to a pulp until River had to find a way to drag Whitney out of the class.

The next stage: Bargaining

Though they might not show it, deep down, they’d be thinking about what-ifs. Internally, they’d be blaming themselves and others in this stupid fucked-up town.

If only he was nicer to you, then this fucking world wouldn't be toying with him like this.

If only they were there with you, they could have avoided all this.

And, if they were indirectly the cause (like temporarily giving you off to the wrong person), then if only they left you alone that day or dragged you along with their lackeys, then you wouldn’t be gone.

You’d still be roaming the halls, sitting next to them in maths class, or bringing them with you to the orphanage sometimes.

The depression stage would probably find its way in with this.

They’d start dealing with bad coping mechanisms. They’d start smoking and drinking more often, drowning themselves in alcohol and nicotine to make themselves feel better.

They’ll also start sleeping around with other people. Are they trying to find that spark they had with you? Or are they trying to find you in this temporary fling? Who knows. It could be both.

But what is known is while the relief is temporary at the moment, they get out of that one-night stand feeling as bad as they did before, if not worse. So they sleep around again, and aggressively so. Especially if that person shows even the slightest resemblance to you.

I don’t know whether Whitney would be able to fully reach the acceptance stage. Would they really be able to live with themselves normally without you by their side? And, with the case I mentioned above, would they be able to live with the guilt that they indirectly put you in the line of fire?

Only time will tell. But if they do get there, it will take them a lot of time, but they won’t find anybody like you. Not anybody they’d give that note to that you left hidden in the second drawer next to your bed, to be forgotten by everybody but you and them.

“I love you, slut”

I gonna fucking cry. It hurts

My poor baby. I think even if it wasn't his 'fault' he would still be mad at himself. He couldn't protect you, he wasn't there for you when you needed him.

I don't think he would ever fully accept what happened. Will try to forget about you but can't because everywhere he goes you're there, waiting for him. When he fucks somebody else you're there when he wakes up, looking disappointed. When he drinks until he can't anymore you're there, watching him sadly. You've become his shadow, he talks to you when he's alone. He begs you to come back. He apologizes for all the things he's done to you. He just wants you with him again.

If one day your ghost disappears he will lose it. He won't be able to go on.

[pyfilove]

⊹⊱《 Headcanons: Edward Nashton 》⊰⊹ NSFW

Note: Riddler is missing from these headcanons for the reason that these headcanons are related to my future fanfictions where Edward's alterego does not feature. Also in the future there will be a separate collection of headcanons for Riddler.

Note 2: I don't know English well and I use a translator, so sometimes the text may not be written correctly

Warning: Smoking; alcohol; mention of suicide and thoughts of self-harm; binding; strangulation; humiliation; dominance/submission; obscene language; oral sex; masturbation; candles; hickeys; bites; licking; mentions genitals; teasing; big age difference (Y/N is 25 years old and I think she already has the right to decide whether she should date a man older than her or not); ass spanking (guys, I don't know what to call it correctly XD).

Word count: 1694

— Smoking. Edward started smoking to have a reason to talk with his colleagues. He saw them going out together to chat during their smoking break, so he tried it, but it didn't work. He got the addiction, but he didn’t get the company of his colleagues and friends.

— Favorite cigarettes. Smokes stereotypically “feminine” cigarettes. He likes the taste of such cigarettes because they are not as bitter as regular ones, and he also likes their shape.

— He’s trying to quit smoking. Before Y/N appeared, he tried to quit smoking, which in principle worked well for him, but after the girl’s arrival and the fact that she smokes, he had to resume his addiction so that he would have reasons to talk to her during a session of getting nicotine into his lungs.

—  Doesn't drink alcohol. He is afraid that with such thoughts in his head he will drink himself to death and die a miserable death.

— He doesn’t know how to cook. He will be able to prepare something for himself, give it as a gift, or cook it, but not prepare any complex dishes. It seems he simply doesn’t have the motivation to cook, and he also has other “important things” to do with cooking.

— The apartment is always a wild mess. In his words, this is a creative order, because he knows where everything is and it doesn’t bother him. But he puts important things in alphabetical order. After Y/N moved, she had to establish this order only in her room.

— He only washes dishes on weekends. After work, he didn't really want to do the dishes, and in principle he lived alone. Of course, after Y/N moved, he had to start washing dishes, even though he considered it a waste of his time.

— Doesn't like rats. He is good with animals, but after his trauma with rats he seems to dislike them. He doesn't harm the rat in any way, he's just trying to avoid them. (His words in the comic also push me to this idea)

—  He fucking loves dogs. Because of loneliness, he would like to get a dog that would love him as he is. But due to the landlord, lack of time and lack of finances to provide for the dog, he prefers to just be touched by videos with dogs.

— Has terrible eyesight. Without glasses it's like having no hands. Astigmatism has haunted him since childhood. The first time Y/N heard these words from him, she didn't believe it. But he had to show articles on Google about this disease until she was convinced of it.

— Glasses. He hates being touched, touched, or even having his hands next to his glasses. He also doesn’t like it when Y/N takes them off. After all, he feels uncomfortable without them and he feels completely naked in front of her, and also because he can’t fucking see. He allows him to take off his glasses on “holidays” so that she can enjoy his face without glasses.

— Neat appearance. Since the orphanage, he has been haunted by the neatness that was instilled in him, even though this is not the most pleasant place in the world. He takes a shower every day, irons his shirt every day, and even the smell is pleasant. The hairstyle is also neat, even if it is a little overgrown. But damn, it suits him.

— Has a large number of shower gels. There was a shortage of soap in the orphanage, and these were bars of soap, but not liquid soap. So every time in a new family, he spent the maximum on gels, shampoos and conditioners. And how they smelled to him! As an adult, he has a lot of shower gels with different scents, but prefers to spend them wisely.

— Thoughts of self-harm. He didn’t want to commit suicide, but he had thoughts of harm while being angry at himself.

— Strange. The inability to communicate with people makes him shy, and in the eyes of people, strange and incomprehensible. For the first 1-2 months, Y/N couldn't understand Edward. It seemed to her that he did not like her, until after one conversation with a cigarette in his hands, he admitted that he simply did not know which way to approach and what to say.

NSFW:

— Glasses. Sometimes he deliberately tilts his head so that his glasses slide down his nose and adjust them gracefully back. This gives Y/N goosebumps. Sometimes she looks displeased from under her glasses when a girl has done something wrong, which also causes excitement throughout her body.

— Smoking. Wow, there’s so much to do with smoking, wow. He knows about Y/N’s little fetish for smoking, so he often smokes not near an open window, but in the apartment, even unceremoniously entering a girl’s room with a cigarette in his hands and always knowing what kind of cigarette he has.her there will be a reaction.

— Rules and agreements. As adults and normal people, they had several dialogues about what they like and what they don't. What to do and what not to do. They undoubtedly have safe words and stop actions. No one forces anyone and they try to monitor the emotional and physical state of their partner during sex.

— Licking. Loves to lick the hell out of her partner's body. More than kissing and biting. I also noticed that Y/N twitches more during this process than during kissing and biting.

— Hickeys and bites. Incredibly loves to leave marks on the hips, waist and shoulders. And also the next day after marking her body, she likes to check for bruises and teeth marks. He also loves it when Y//N also bites him and leaves hickeys. Looking at himself in the mirror, he runs his hands over them and smiles, feeling the warmth in his chest from the fact that he is no longer alone and he is also loved and adored.

— Candles. Uses special candles that are sold in sex shops. He likes to dribble molten wax onto her body and then massage Y/N gently. During this procedure, the girl falls asleep, which sometimes upsets him. At this time, he wipes the remaining oil from the girl’s back with a towel and lays her down to sleep, and then goes to the bathroom to calm down my excitement.

— Oral sex. Loves Y/N's wet cracks. He loves to be between her legs, and also loves when she squeezes him between her legs. Her eyes roll back every time she grabs his hair and presses him against her wet pussy. If he were paid a buck every time he wanted to give Y/N oral pleasure, then he would probably become a billionaire.

— Oral sex 2. The first time a girl gave him a blowjob, he was in 7th heaven. Not because he had wanted it for a long time, but because he didn’t feel so disgusting and ugly. Every time Y/N herself climbs under his feet and rubs face against his penis through the fabric of his pants, he feels so desired and loved that he sometimes cries during the process.

— Masturbation. Loves to jerk off Y/N, sometimes he teases during this process. She loves it so much when she begs and whines for him to fuck her while he plays with her wet folds with his fingers.

— Nickname. Due to their slightly large age gap of 10 years (Y/N 25, a Edward in mine headcanon 35.) he likes it when she calls him daddy. He also loves it when she calls him sir and master, when Edward dominates. And he also loves it when she calls him honey, dog and favorite when the girl dominates. He also prefers to call her baby and his toy. During submission he calls her mistress.

— Dominance and submission. He loves to be in all roles, although he likes to dominate more. But he also loves it when Y/N takes the initiative, it feeds his ego. But also after dominating him, he sometimes feels empty, which is why the girl happily calms him down.

— Spanking. Sometimes he likes to punish her like this for some little pranks, first tying her hands well. He does this carefully at first, and then stops when she begins to tremble in his arms.

— Humiliation. Does not like to use humiliation during the process. After all, how can you insult a person you value and love? But despite this, during wild excitement and when he is already fucking Y/N hard, he can use dirty words and dirty sentences. At such a moment, he calls her a slut, a dirty bitch, a dirty whore who fucks with garbage and TD. He prefers that Y/N sometimes humiliates him too, at this moment he feels so insignificant that he wants to cry, and his penis begins to harden even more and twitches a little from excitement. After the end of the process, he begins to cry in the arms of Y/N, who calms him down

— Strangulation. WELL... IN ORDER... I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. After long conversations on this topic, they came to the conclusion that the two of them liked it. Edward loves to squeeze Y/N's throat because she gets pleasure from it. And Edward himself enjoys being strangled with his own tie. At this moment, he feels like a dog on a leash, that he only has to gladly obey the owner’s instructions.

— Bondage. Shibari is one of his hobbies after he started dating Y/N. He likes how the ropes hug her body, how lewdly she lies in his hands and how she trustingly lies while he ties knots. Also prefers the classic way of tying a girl's hands. I also don’t mind being tied up, completely surrendering to Y/N’s control. Definitely likes to use his tie to tie Y/N's hands. He ties it tightly, securing it well, and ties a bow to make it seem like Y/N is his gift. Looking into your eyes and seeing primal adoration and admiration there drives him crazy every time.

[apprenticestanheight]

Hey can I request some fluff with the reader comforting Adam after the bathroom game? Like one of his nightmares wakes reader up and they fall back asleep cuddling and his face in the crook of readers neck. I’m really soft for hurt/comfort

Stories

Promise- A.S x gn! reader

Hi!! I'm totally a sucker for hurt/comfort too--it's been one of my favorite fic genres to write in since I started writing fic during the first quarantine! Thank you for sending this in, I had a lot of fun writing it and I hope you enjoy!

Fic type- hurt/comfort

Warnings- Adam has PTSD, which, while not actually named, the symptoms of it are discussed and those symptoms are listed as follows: anxiety, avoidance in relation to the anxiety and also just avoidance in the general sense, nightmares. Blood is mentioned and weed is also talked about a bit (I headcanon Adam as a casual lover of the devils lettuce and that slipped its way through the cracks here)

Adam had escaped the bathroom trap six months before. Lawrence had been true to his word to call for help, and Adam had gotten out after a grand total of four days in the trap.

Lawrence had called the police and got in contact with you, who was worried because you'd scheduled a date for the night after the first day of his being missing, and Adam had skipped it without a word.

Thanks to yours and Lawrences putting the pressure on the police, the fact that Lawrence recognized the exterior of the building where the bathroom was and the buildings surrounding it, four days after he went missing and was placed in the trap Adam returned home.

Granted, he'd returned home with a bullet wound and intense pain in his shoulder from the bullet being left there too long, but he was grateful to be out of the bathroom at all.

Half a year had gone by. One hundred and eighty two days. One hundred and eighty two nights. He thought, well enough, he'd have gotten through it by then, but he hadn't.

He thought he would've gotten through it--the flashbacks that came up whenever he heard Jigsaws name in the news, the jittering anxiety, the memories that came up and the ones he refused to think about, the fact that he was easily startled and hated the idea of going to the hospital for the risk of seeing Lawrence, the relentlessness with which he avoided the part of town wherein the bathroom trap was located, the nightmares that he'd been dealing with in the aftermath--but he had not. One hundred and eighty two days and nights gone by, and he had not pushed past it like he'd once thought himself capable.

His nightmares and the aftermath of them when he woke up varied a lot--sometimes he woke up screaming that he wanted to live, that he was grateful for his life. Other nights, he woke up shaking and turned his head to feel a wet spot against his pillow and realized he'd been crying in his sleep. Sometimes he woke in a cold sweat, body shaking, his clothes almost drenched, tears cascading down his cheeks in a free fall.

Whenever he was spending the night at your place or you were at his, his reaction was different. He would have the nightmare, wake up, realize where he was and who he was with, and his heart and his mind would still.

He would reconcile that he was not in the bathroom, not gripping onto Lawrence like Lawrence would save his life while his hands were slick with his own blood, but that he was in his apartment or yours.

Jigsaw had moved on, Adam had stopped being a freelance photographer who willingly stalked and took photos of men and their affair partners to make the rent, and he didn't smoke enough for it to make him irredeemable in the eyes of the infamous killer--smokes had triggered his anxiety, so he only smoked those with nicotine whenever the cravings got too bad, and while he liked a bit of weed from time to time, he only smoked it when the anxiety got to be too much or he couldn't sleep.

He reconciled that he was safe, the burn in his shoulder had been because of the fact that they'd taken the bullet out and the pain was to be expected, and you were okay, too. Jigsaw was not going to hunt you down next and you were right there beside him, ready to embrace his awkward flirting with genuine laughter at a moments notice.

But that night was different. Adam had smoked two bowls to take the edge of a particularly anxious day off and to help him sleep, which they did, just not for as long as Adam and the bags that had developed beneath his eyes would've liked.

That nightmare was no different to all of the others--the help that Lawrence had called hadn't come, one of Jigsaws apprentices had come back around to finish the job off and had done so by drowning him in the murky bath water he'd woken up in, half conscious and unable to fight them off.

His bodily reaction to the nightmare was different, though. He woke with a loud, terrified scream and found that he was in a cold sweat, his shoulder burning like it had been set on fire.

"Adam," you whispered, voice groggy, pulling him closer to you. "Adam."

Adam sat up, taking a few deep breaths in and out to try to calm his nerves.

I'm at home, he thought. I'm in my own bed--my partner is right next to me, and I woke them up like a fucking dickhead. I'm not in the bathroom, I'm not with Lawrence, I made it out and everything is okay.

"Adam," you whispered again. "Adam, are you okay?"

Adam let himself fall back against the mattress, head hitting the pillow as he gave a nod.

"Mm," he hummed, giving into his desire to be close to you. "Just a nightmare, Y/N. Get them all the time."

"You're okay," you whispered, hugging him close as you could, too tired to care about the sweat. "Everything is fine. You're not in the trap anymore."

"I don't usually react that badly," he did, it was just that the reactions took place separately--the scream and the cold sweat never happened together. "Read a story about his newest vic. Think it spurred me on a little bit."

"I'd be scared, too," you whispered. "I know I can't relate, but--I understand the nightmares. What you went through is traumatic, and Jigsaw is a self righteous prick. What happened to you isn't your fault."

"I stalked a guy to make the rent," Adam whispered.

You shrugged as Adam buried his face into the crook of your neck, breathing you in as he did so.

"People have done worse," you said. "You were in a tight spot, baby. Everyone gets themselves stuck in those eventually."

Adam hummed, pulling you as close as your body and his own could allow.

You started running a hand through the hair that'd grown out a little since he was taken, pressing a kiss against his shoulder as he hummed a bit.

"'M so in love with you," he whispered against your neck. "Thank you for being here, Y/N. Thank you for helping me through this."

"Love you too," you whispered. "I love you so much. I'm always gonna be here when you need me, Adam. Promise."

Adam hummed, falling asleep as you carded your hands through his hair. You fell asleep not long after he did, the warmth of his hands on your back and the sound of New Jersey as it woke up and started the day lulling you into it.

[k0nanharv3y]

Since I didn't find a promising list of Fanfics with Mikey Centric, I'M MAKING MY OWN

You can leave suggestions, THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE FROM 2012 OR MIKEY, JUST THAT HE IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER AND THE BOYS FROM 2012 WERE VERY FUCKED, but I am also open to reading from all the series and all the characters. (If you recommend LFLS I'm going to throw you out the window)

This will be constantly updated, but it's like... 3 in the morning here and I have school tomorrow

HEY SUNSHINE The darkness is safe but darkness is still darkness. Everyone needs sunshine to make the darkness feel less bleak.

Underground there was no sunshine.

Mikey decided that he would be that light no matter what it did to him

-My favorite story of all time, if you like Badass Mikey this is your story

REMEMBER YOUR MISSION 8 times Mikey drifted with someone...

...and one time he didn't need to.

-The 2012! TMNT x Pacific Rim AU It's good, it's worth it a thousand times, but it's more to pass the time and be calm from so much angst

Edit - REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT ANGST? WELL, I LIED TO YOU *starts crying on the floor*

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE MEANS (and it's killing me) "Finally, they could try and regain their lost childhood, to be a family again.

Except…

His family didn’t feel like family anymore.

-Do I... do I have to explain this? It's... I cried a thousand times when I read it, it's worth a thousand times the moon but... I'M STILL CRYING MY GOD

SPRAY PAINT, VIOLENCE AND SUPERHEROES Miles and Mikey meet up and decide to fight crime together. Absolute chaos ensues.

Turns out, bad guys don't like turtles and spiders together very much.

-I NEED TO SAY THAT I AM A SHELLSHOCKED FAN, I LOVE THEM, THEY ARE MY BABIES

FIVE MINUTES 'TIL SELF DESTRUCT Even the mightiest of ninja cannot always avoid illness. In Mikey's case, it's the one thing he's never quite been able to dodge. But when a simple cold leaves the family's youngest without a voice, misadventures quickly turn into discoveries as the family bands together. Let the sick days begin

-It's fun, it's VERY good to pass the time, I really liked the narrative and how the brothers interacted

BABY BROTHER When it comes to Mikey

Leo indulges, Raph protects and Donnie teaches

-THEY MAKE ME GO QKAJQIHDJQJANQNDKQLA I LOVE THEM THEY DESERVE THE FUCKING WORLD

TWO HALVES OF A WHOLE HEART Whenever Mikey isn't feeling to great, he'll seek out his older brother.

-I CAN'T I LOVE THEM

I CAN'T HANDLE REJECTION Michelangelo breaks the TV.

-It couldn't all be so fluff, it takes a little bit of a lot of depression to live

WHERE DO WE BEGIN? (the rubble or our sins) Mikey is hit by cuddle pollen, and he and his brothers try to deal with it. (And maybe heal some family wounds along the way.)

-You don't know it's sad until the sad thing comes

ONE MORE NIGHT (please, just for tonight) The night before his big trip, Mikey's brothers stood him up. He pretends he's not hurt about this

-You know you should cry, you didn't because you're a monster.

BE LIKE YOUR BROTHER (and never like yourself) Three times Mikey tried to be like his big brothers.

And one time they told him he didn't have to

-Ah, I could read this a thousand and one times.

WHAT NICOTINE DOES Mikey looks for a way to sleep again without nightmares. He's not doing his best

-Ah, yes, this is me promoting my own fanfic

SONG OF A SUNNY DAY (fading into dusk) The lair has been filled with nothing but the sounds of a heart monitor and quiet. It's too quiet for Mikey, so he goes on a solo run of the city. He finds a violin case on the ground and decides to take it home

-I have love for this story. It was one of the first ones I read and the reason I returned to my love of the violin. Don't look for much angst... they serve it as a main dish

SO HERE'S TO THE HEARTACHE The sequel to "You don't know what love means (and it's killing me)"

-I JUST *CRY INTENSELY*

A CALCULATED PLAN Mourning the loss of splinter, the four turtles struggle to maintain a positive relationship with each other. But when Leo finds a letter saying that Donatello will be the new leader, the divide between the brothers becomes larger.

-HAHAHAHHAHA you are going to suffer so bad

SWAY On an undercover mission to stop a villain’s scheme, one named King Pen who was hosting a party Mikey meets Miles and they have a dance. Let’s sway!

-WOAHHHH I WANT A BOYFRIEND SO HARD *cries*

EMPATHY AMPLIFIED Mikey’s always been one to shoulder his brother’s pain. What happens when the family therapist begins to experience mystic empathy? New powers plus old habits die hard.

-I just... FUCK OFF MAN I READ IT DURING THE NIGHT 'CUZ I HAD A HYPERFIXATION U NEED TO READ THIS

THE SHINOBI'S GARDEN

-Compilation of one-shots of series that I love and will leave here below

DEVIL TOOK YOUR HAND Michelangelo gets ambushed; the Shredder gets another chance to test his mind control serum (I... can't say it)

ALL THE SMALL THINGS An experiment gone wrong de-aged Donnie back into a toddler. Good thing Mikey's great with kids. (ABUBUBUBUAAAHHH I LOVE THEM SM)

RECORD-BREAKING HEAT Losing power overnight may also mean losing your pet cat, if she's made of ice cream (Yeah,... *cry*)

IF WISHES WERE FISHES Raph, Leo and Donnie are quadruplets whose baby brother died the day they were born. When Raphael brings home a new friend with wide blue eyes, a face full of freckles, and a brown belt in karate, the whole family gets a taste of what it might have been like had Michelangelo survived (I just love this story :])

WALK WITH OPEN HANDS Mikey’s head snaps up like a rubber band, so fast it hurts his neck. His father is standing in the doorway, whole and unharmed and strong. He tilts his head, taking in the probably dumb way Mikey is just standing there staring up at him (I'm pretty sure I still don't understand the ending. BUT FUCK, IT'S A WORK OF DAMN ART)

TRAVELING SO FAR TO GET THERE The sound of the apocalypse is a pop number from 1968 by The Foundations. And that’s only because Raphael’s little brother didn’t have the common courtesy to get a decent punk-rock song stuck in his head on the day they fell into this hellscape in the first place. He’s just saying, The Clash or The Offspring or even Fall Out Boy would make more sense, like, thematically. Instead he’s stuck listening to—. “WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP! BUTTERCUP, BABY, JUST TO LET ME DOWN!". “Mikey,” he yells across the street, “I swear to GOD!” (Long description, and yes, The Foundations became my favorite artists for a week just because of this story)

PROBLEM CHILD Michelangelo has three overprotective big brothers, some questionable friends, a burgeoning need to make himself useful, and a lot of growing up to do. (MY GOSH YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS ONE)

I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF CHANGING It’s not fair. Donnie’s so smart. He’s tired and overworked and unhappy, but he’s smart. How can he get this one thing so wrong? How can he not know Mikey as well as he used to, like all of those years of being each other’s best friends and co-conspirators and secret-keepers from where they were relegated to the “B Team” aren’t as intrinsic and important and fundamental to him as they are to Mikey? How can he look at Mikey, right in the face, and not understand him at all?. Something breaks. (I hate myself for thinking the deleted scenes from 2007 were trash)

-And like these stories, she has thousands more, only these are my favorites and they have Mikey in them, but yes, it has Leo and Usagi, Raph and Casey, Donnie being... Donnie i guess

[bonksy-boy]

aftg as things my friends and I have said

Kevin: “what do we drink to avoid?” “problems.” (wymack then kevin) “i’ll throw a tin of beans at you if you cry.” (also could be andrew) *sigh* “just one more hour.” “what are you drinking?” “as much as i can, as fast as i can.” “oi, i’m a functioning alcoholic thank you.”

Aaron: “have some grapes you fruity little freak.” “i need some men who aren’t gay men.” “if someone gets his cock out, kick him in it, don’t suck it.” “biologically shut the fuck up.” “don’t worry, i’m only into females.”

Andrew: “and i want to be six foot tall darlin’, but we don’t get everything we want.” *looking Kevin in the eyes* “we’re going to fight one day.” “suck your mum” “what mum?” (neil then andrew) “do that again and i’ll drop kick you.” “no affection. only nicotine.” “hmm methinks someone is talking bollocks.” (anytime neil lies) “i wanna make napalm.” (unprompted, out of nowhere) “vehicular genocide: line em all up and go.” “we have this cool little crime called murder.” “the only one shorter than me in this family is the baby and he needs to stay that way.” “the two important things in life, family and this knife.” “be a lamb and bit down on the ‘shut the fuck up’ stick.” “nepobaby.” (at kevin)

Neil: “i cause the problems, i don’t solve them.” “you might be fast, but vengeance is faster.” “why are you homicidal when you’re high?” (at andrew) “you need to stop drinking then driving.” “whyyyy :(” (neil then nicky) “do you have a death wish?” “yeah.” (andrew then neil) “fellas, is it gay to have another man’s fingers down your throat?” “he gave me a very dodgy stick n poke while i was tied to a bed.” “the horrors are endless but i stay silly.” “if i don’t feel like i’m being hunted for sport, i’m probably not having a good time.” “what way do you swing?” “not your way mate.” (nicky then neil)

Nicky; “i don’t have a pussy but i do have a bussy.” “i’m obsessed with being sexually immortal.” “i play minecraft at 2am and still get sex but maybe that cause i have a cool username.” “god this game.... i’m going for a stress piss.” “i feel a bit silly explaining why torturing gay people is unethical.” “doing shots of tequila feels like you’ve just sucked off the human torch.” “if all else fails, i become a male prostitute.”

Matt: “mitsubishi is the nokia of the car world.” “dead on impact? no! it’s the declaration of independence!!” “right, you’ve got to leave estonia alone, it’s only a little country and historically had a bad lot of it. pick on someone bigger.” “wait so who’s on team gay?”

Dan: “i’m not just female, i’m an interesting female.” “good news and bad news... actually it’s just bad news.” “a coma sounds so relaxing right now.” Renee: “if it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you.”

[badassomens]

Noah Sebastian x f!Reader

Genre: from friends to lovers, fluff, +18, smut

Warnings: Alcohol, smoking,p in v, unprotected sex, oral sex

Author: I really hope you enjoyed it. This is my first such fic with Noah. And in general, the first big fic. I would also like to remind you that English is not my native language, so I apologize for the mistakes❤️

Part 3

As promised, Noah picked you up on Thursday. When you arrived at the party, you tried to act like a couple. The man courted you as if you were really together. It seemed to you that he was about to start blowing every speck of dust off you. And there's nothing to hide, you were flattered by it.

You were talking to some friend when you noticed Noah standing not far from you and talking to some man. He wasn't looking at you, so you allowed yourself to stare at your friend a little. In the dim light of the decorative garland, he looked beautiful. His hand movements when talking, his smile, and even the way he inhaled another portion of nicotine caused you to have strange feelings. You realized that you were looking too long only when you saw that he was looking back at you, smiling faintly. It was clear from his look that he noticed how you were staring at him and that you were going to have a conversation on this topic.

However, after the party, the man only walked you home. As always, hugging and saying that he would write tomorrow, he said goodbye and turned around, going home.

But neither the next day nor the next day, Noah wrote nothing and did not answer the phone. You found out from mutual friends that he was fine and decided to give him some more time. It was only a week after your meeting that he deigned to reply to your messages.

"- Hi, where have you gone?

- hello. I'm sorry, it's just difficulties at work.

— I hope everything is all right now?

— Not really... do you want to go for a ride?

— It would be nice :)

— Great. I'll pick you up in about 30 minutes."

You didn't hesitate and started packing. You finished packing just in time. Finishing the finishing touches, you heard the doorbell ring. When you opened the door, you saw Noah. After looking at the man's face, you decided not to ask anything and just said hello, closed the door and walked towards the car. The guy followed you, getting into the car and starting it.

After 20 minutes of silence, you decided to break it.

"Where are we going?"

"I want to show you a place." the man turned to you for just a moment. "But it's a surprise, so… You can take a nap for now, it's a long road anyway."

He turned away, indicating that the conversation was over. You decided to follow Noah's advice and closed your eyes in the hope that you could take a nap.

It is not known how long you have been driving. You were woken up by a gentle pat on your hand. When you opened your eyes, you saw that you had arrived at the beach.

Without saying a word, Noah got out of the car and walked to the water. You, in turn, decided to just follow him.

You spent the rest of the day on the beach having fun and chatting on various topics, avoiding only talking about what was bothering the guy.

When it started to get dark outside, Noah brought a bottle of wine from the car. You were sitting right on the sand, smiling and laughing like children, when a crazy thought occurred to you.

" Let's stay here for the night?" you're looking at a man with shining eyes.

"God... " Noah laughed "I'm a bad influence on you."…He paused, as if thinking about something. "Okay, I agree, we're staying."

You finished your wine and decided to move to the car, as it was already getting cold. From somewhere in the backseat, Noah took out another bottle of wine. You were having fun again, drinking a second bottle of wine.

The man was telling some story, but you just looked at him and couldn't look away. Noticing this, Noah fell silent, looking at you in response. Either because of the wine, or something went wrong in your head, but the desire to kiss a friend was firmly entrenched in your head and was clearly not going to get out.

You sat down closer to the man and continued to lean towards him and he, damn it, clearly understood what you were up to.

"Pretty girl, won't you regret it later?" he looked at you with eyes full of tenderness.

Without answering, you lifted yourself a little above him, sitting on his lap. You gently ran your hands over his cheeks, slowly descending to his neck. Noah, in turn, did not touch you, putting his hands on the seat and looking at you point-blank. Unable to bear that look, you bend over, falling on the guy's lips. He doesn't resist and returns your kiss, allowing himself to put his hands on your hips.

You were ready to swear that this was the best kiss you've ever had and you were ready to continue it, but Noah interrupted him, gently shifting you back to the seat.

" Sunshine, let's stop now, and tomorrow we'll talk about it." he looked at you with a look full of tenderness. "You won't be offended, will you?"

"No, no. Everything is fine." you covered your face with your hands. " I'm sorry, I do not know what came over me."

"Hey, don't worry." he took your hands away from your face and kissed your forehead.

He hugged you, hugging you to him and looking at your back reassuringly. You sat there for 20 minutes. You started falling asleep lying on Noah's shoulder when you heard a man's voice.

" And you know.." he looked at you, lowering his head "you're just an excellent kisser."

He leaned his head back against the back of the seat, clearly intending to sleep. You were lying there thinking about what happened and the feelings that Noah caused in you, and you fell asleep unnoticed.

[justanotherspeck]

s1 my beloved

transcript below the cut:

CASPAR: Anyway, this is Midnight Burger. I’m Caspar.

AVA (Outside): FUCK. YES.

CASPAR: That’s Ava, she’s always here.

AVA: (Outside) NICOTINE, GET IN ME.

CASPAR: And this is a... diner.

GLORIA: Are you sure?

--

CASPAR: The huge murder beast is having a coffee break

--

ZEBULON: For our marriage is made strong by a singular truth.

EFFIE: That divorce is an abomination.

ZEBULON: … And that we love each other very much.

EFFIE: Yes, also that.

--

THE EX: You can’t let that stand in the way of true love.

LEIF: Honey, you lay eggs.

THE EX: Why do you keep bringing that up?!

LEIF: It’s an important detail!

--

GLORIA: Do you ever feel like Leif is almost too relaxed? He goes with the flow no matter what, it’s weird.

AVA: Oh yeah? Watch this. Hey, Leif?

LEIF (In the kitchen): Yeah?

AVA: I’ve been thinking about it and, I don’t know, I still feel like a hot dog is a sandwich.

[POTS CRASHING.]

LEIF (In the kitchen): For fuck’s sake!

--

MARY: Can you help me?

CASPAR: What’s happening?

MARY: The officer outside, he’s been looking for me for days. I’ve managed to avoid him so far but now that’s him outside. Can you hide me somewhere? This desperate plea is brought to you by Arby’s. Arby’s, we have the meats.

---

LEIF: This Molotov Cocktail is brought to you by communism!

[BOTTLE SMASHING]

--

EFFIE: Yes, yes, of course. Our Lord is a God of peace.

ZEBULON: Indeed.

EFFIE: Unless you’re a merchant outside the temple, then look out for the chokehold of Jesus.

ZEBULON: Honey!

--

CASPAR: Ava, what are you doing?

AVA: I’m getting this jug of moonshine and going out in the parking lot to watch a fist fight. Suck on that, Stephen Hawking.

--

CASPAR: Oh, no. What are we going to do without all the essential work you do around here? Who will do the incredibly hard work of being an asshole to people?

AVA: That’s not work, that’s how I relax.

CASPAR: Well you must be really relaxed.

---

STEVE: We had come upon a binary star system. I looked upon these two stars rotating around their barycenter and my thoughts turned to my wife. We were like these two stars, locked into an eternal dance only due to chance and gravity, unable to recall a moment where we chose each other and unable to escape this rotation. Knowing that to move closer would obliterate us both.

CASPAR: This went from fun idea to Russian novel real fast.

--

STEVE: Hello, my friends. I am about to go on a date.

CASPAR: Yeah, we heard... uhhh nice work, buddy.

LEIF: Go get ‘em, tiger.

STEVE: I have no idea how to go on a date.

CASPAR: Oh.

LEIF: Shit, okay, uh...

CASPAR: Um... Ask her about her job.

LEIF: Yeah, her life in general.

CASPAR: Listen a lot.

LEIF: Don’t try and be funny.

CASPAR: Try sharing a secret with her.

LEIF: If she asks you to do something illegal, it may be a test.

CASPAR: What?

LEIF: Really gauge the situation at that point, is she kidding or does she actually want to do crimes?

CASPAR: What are you talking about?

LEIF: This is good advice.

CASPAR: Where, the Pirate Isle of Tortuga?

--

EFFIE: Caspar, thanks for being with us today.

CASPAR (Whispering): So great to be here, go fuck yourself.

--

CASPAR: Gloria, we’re going to have to go.

GLORIA: Oh, man. Okay. Guys, gather round.

[HEARTBREAKING MUSIC]

CASPAR: What the hell is that music?

[WOLVES WIMPERING]

GLORIA: V, Jungkook, Jimin, Suga, Jin, RM, J-Hope. I want you to know that I love you all very much. But I have my own pack, and I have to go run with them now.

EFFIE: (Fighting back tears) It’s... so hard to hear her say goodbye to the wolves.

ZEBULON (Also crying): I didn’t realize she named them after the members of BTS.

--

CASPAR: We should get one of those signs that says “This many days since an accident”.

LEIF: Yeah, except ours would say “This many days since your sentient radio quoted the Egyptian Book of the Dead, switched personalities, or steered you into a supermassive black hole.”

CASPAR: ...That’s way too long for a sign, Leif.

GLORIA: Yeah, Leif, that’s—

--

CASPAR: As a straight white male you know one thing about me: I’ve watched a lot of History Channel.

--

GLORIA: Okay, I’m thinking a chair, some rope, and I’ll pour hot coffee on her, let’s do some Guantanamo shit.

JANE (Overlapping): It’s no use, guys.

--

GLORIA: Did the doors to the diner just lock?

CASPAR: They did. Effie, what in the Amityville Horror is happening right now?

--

JANE: Does having you kidnapped maybe count as a romantic gesture at all?

--

CASPAR, narrating: In Ava’s defense, she was unilaterally putting everyone in danger... That doesn’t make it better, does it?

--

AVA: I am going to rip your balls off!

CASPAR: Oh, don’t threaten me with a good time.

[starlsblog]

10 tips to avoid eating!⭐️⭐️

1- painting/drawing. if this is something you enjoy you will very quickly be caught up in it. sometimes hours pass me by when i paint and i don’t even realize

2- reading. you can eat if your reading you’ll mess up your book and it would be to distracting

3-working out. something as small as a leisure walk will easily distract you. working out has been proven to release endorphins which cause you to be happy and boost your mood.

4- cleaning/organizing. you wouldn’t want to touch something your gonna put in your mouth with your dirty hands you’ve been cleaning with. organizing can also take up lots of time and keep you very busy

5- sleeping. very simple very easy. most likely you would wake up 1-2 maybe 3 hours later and most likely you won’t immediately be hungry.

6- get out the house and go somewhere like a shopping center, or on a walk, or to your friends. you will have less opportunities for the most part to not eat and won’t be tempted especially in public.

7- nicotine can be used to suppress hunger but this is a very addictive chemical and is bad for your body in the long run. it gives a nice feeling tho. for me it just made me feel kinda sick for about 30 minutes after the buzz went away which made me not hungry. i also just didn’t think about eating which i don’t know the reasoning why but its out there somewhere

8- journaling/writing. you can vent your feelings into a journal via tumblr, tik tok, snapchat, pinterest, etc, or in a physical diary. writing a short story or a poem can also take up lots of time. while your busy trying to think of details to add and topics to discuss you won’t think about eating!

9-play roblox or other games. i know for sure with me i don’t feel like eating because im too deep into my game to think about it. its also hard for me to eat while playing anyways.

10- doing drugs😬 i know for me i don’t feel like eating while im high. also sometimes if i plan when im going to do it i look forward to doing that rather than eating. this is very dangerous and in most circumstance illegal soooo i dont recommend. also its very easy to get addicted especially if addiction runs in your family or your using constantly

remember to stay safe while doing this and if your feel like you may pass out sit down to protect yourself. i can’t tell you to eat bc that would make me a hypocrite and i telling you ways not to. just stay safe and careful. again i don’t recommend 7 or 10

[lifewithchronicpain]

So I didn’t really talk about this because it was such an ordeal and I wanted to focus on the eclipse, but holy fucking shit my sister was a fucking monster the entire time.

My sister keeps stopping and starting cigarettes and is the absolute worst when withdrawing. And I should note, even when she’s not she’s a handful. She dominates every conversation and has been taking out a lot of her frustrations of motherhood out on my mom, which I am not okay with. We had issues in childhood but my father was equally if not more to blame but my sister only focuses on my mom. It sucks, I’m closer to my mom than my dad. My dad has never changed and continues to drink, my mom is sober and has made changes my dad never would. Plus I don’t need traumatizing shit brought up again, I got passed it and I don’t need reminders. And I don’t mean to trivialize my sisters issues, I just don’t agree how she’s handling it. She’s taking shit out on my mom and she just takes it because she desperately doesn’t want to be cut off from her grandkids.

So yeah, all that is 100X worse when she’s going through nicotine withdrawal. And once again, I am sympathetic. I finally quit 4 years ago and it was only possible with chantix.

Part of the problem was apparently my sister thought her house was in totality despite me saying many times it was close but not in it, and that I thought finding a playground in VT to take the kids to and watch it. I swear I thought she understood the plan was to go into VT or NH and to solidify the plans the night before depending on traffic reports. And it was good we did, one newscaster said it would probably be better to go to upstate New Hampshire than to head into a VT town, and so we changed the plan and went NH.

We decided on a place to head to, but my sister kept on bringing up that she wasn’t told, lecturing me on communication. I wanted to scream at her that communication also means fucking listening!!!! I think part of the reason she didn’t understand was she doesn’t really listen and is always thinking of the next thing to say. She does it all the time. She kept lambasting me about not having a plan when I Can’t Make Decisions for People Who Are Driving. Which was for the best, we didn’t go where I thought we might and we avoided most of the traffic and enjoyed the eclipse in a small town at a construction area they were letting people park it. (We even found a playground to take the kids after totality)

The eclipse itself was amazing and she was so happy to have seen it but still couldn’t let go of feeling like she wasn’t told. And like, I probably should have touched base right before coming, but I was kind of distracted with Brad so I didn’t. But I couldn’t even make that concession with how fucking horrible she was being. If she was normal, I could have said that and it would be that. But I wasn’t going to say it when I knew she was in a mood to argue and Anything I say will be taken the wrong way.

For example when I told her I always said her house was “near totality” she said “I don’t know what that means!” Okay so I’m guilty of not reading your mind and seeing you didn’t understand me? Most people when they don’t understand Ask fucking questions!

And then on the way there she’s flipping out over a truck slowing down at turns and hills because it clearly had a heavy load. And then she screams he’s just going 30mph as I watch a 30mph sign pass by. We weren’t in traffic, we made it to the path of totality with time to spare. It was ridiculous how mad she was at a truck that didn’t slow us down.

My mom was back in NH the other day and she confronted her about her smoking. The probablem is every time she goes to my aunts house, she bums cigs from my cousin. And then we have to deal with the withdrawal. She says it was a good talk, hopefully something was able to get through. Because as hard as it is on us, it’s worse for the kids.

Please understand I’m not judging struggling with addiction, it’s the fact that we’ve been subjected to these withdrawals more than once. One time she even smashed my mom’s kitchen chair. Another time she threw my mom’s luggage out right when she arrived because my mom didn’t greet her right. We can’t do it anymore, either she smokes or doesn’t, we can take this stopping and starting. It is fucking hell.

To top it off, she put me through so much stress I got migraines when we got back home. I don’t get very painful migraines like that anymore, usually they’re weak visual ones these days. But I was literally holding my body tense trying not to flip out on my sister and make it worse.

Time will help me forget how aweful my sister was during the eclipse, and all I will really remember is the beautiful event itself.

[flashbackonyourbehalf]

Desperation

I’m terrified of poverty.

I shiver in my studio; and my cat

Is only *this* cuddly when she’s cold, too.

I push her off, though,

Feverishly filling coloring books

Just to stay sane after withstanding

The outdoors for my 9-5.

I’m scared

That it’s not enough, that

I’M NOT ENOUGH, I’ll never NOT be

Choking

Beneath the merciless boot of late-stage Capitalism. I know

That unplugging the microwave,

Turning off the heat,

And not flushing during frequent usage

Will only save a minuscule amount -

Not nearly enough to balance out the

Hard ciders and nicotine that help me cope -

Still.

It makes me feel better, despite

Efforts in vain.

The pleasure is short-lived

When I pay for parking daily and narrowly

Avoid ticket-checkers on trains and need

Battery-acid energy drinks to function.

These treats make me happy, but if I had some

GODDAMN SELF-CONTROL,

Then maybe

I could take longer showers.

And I wouldn’t worry about overdraft fees.

I want to decorate my temple

With tattoos and piercings, I want

To dye my Viking braid

Either crimson or emerald - (I can’t decide)

I want to go on dates without

Worrying

About rent, I want

To shower my loved ones with gifts,

Fill my haven with scented candles, and

Add to my ever-growing earring collection.

But I’m trapped.

Because I’m poor.

Because the cycle never ends.

And it will never be enough.

I have few spoons to spare, but maybe I could

Sell my body beyond

The 40 hour work week;

Surely there are older, wealthier

Gentlemen who see my curves

Rather than my gender - surely

I can perform in other ways

Than work requires, surely

Allowing detached vulnerability will

Fuel my self-disgust.

But, at least, I’ll be able

To buy a binder.

To dye my hair.

To decorate my body.

To afford parking and still buy lunch at work.

To buy more contact lenses.

To indulge in drinks without guilt.

To spoil my cat and my loved ones.

To pay for blood work I need for transitioning.

To make the best homemade meals, but also

To get takeout when I’m too tired to cook.

To enjoy life - rather than

Chasing dopamine.

I’ll never catch her.

She always escapes my grasp, but that sheer

Desperation

Is what will free me from this cage.

[lunarsilkscreen]

My Experience in Transition Care

My entire experience was overshadowed by President Trump suggesting that all trans people be removed from military service. And while "don't ask, don't tell" was lifted. Well, being trans was still taboo.

And yes, they keep a paper trail of queer people, because they're assumed to be more likely to turncoat. I'm sure that the suspicion that "Gay means you're less likely to be patriotic" and that queer bashing had nothing to do with it at all.

I had several other issues, anxiety, depression, PTSD for a presidential decision to bomb a certain place in a certain area.

And the military care for mental health assumes you're trying to get out of duty, or you're trying to get free drugs. It's crap. And for the longest time I didn't know what to do, because the mental health care wasn't there.

When I finally came out, it was because it was the only thing I knew for a fact could improve my mental health. My doctor gave me options of medication for anxiety but didn't do anything other than offer that medication, behavioral health focused on improving my day-to-day habits but didn't get at the underlying issues, I felt I couldn't talk about the confidential information of a plane I fixed potentially hurting a lot of non-combatants. And I already had an inability to talk around people I wasn't comfortable with.

For a bit I developed a nicotine habit, self-medication for anxiety. But you know, diminished lung capacity and smoker's cough are not good looks in the military. So I dropped it.

I quite literally was left to figure everything about my mental health on my own. Except, as it turns out, being transgender. Now, so we're clear, Surgery like that isn't really authorized. And having a "desire for surgery" gets put on your chart. And then I received disapproving emails from people who should not have sent those emails that I had that desire. There IS a cosmetic surgery pot that the entire service has access to, but trans people are at the bottom of that list. And Public Relations is at the top. So if I was adamant about it, it's not likely I would get it unless I was VERY adamant.

I don't have the energy for that kind of fight. Otherwise I'd already have gotten laser eye surgery. Which has its own pot.

Remember, I wasn't sure about having children, and I'm not going to risk a decision like that unless I'm sure. (But you get treated the same way if it's a desire of genital surgery or facial feminization surgery) I would recommend to military trans people to deny any and all desire for surgery because they will interrupt your care because of it. (But that's also part of the diagnosis so it's tricky.)

I knew my mental health was deteriorating. I knew the reasons why. And for some reason, the anxiety meds were working. Even though the doctor was like "pick one and we'll see what happens."

I tend to avoid recreational drugs outside of an occasional 3 drink limit in public, or a nightcap. Mostly because I'm prone to throwing up after a single drink. And weed is alright, it's good in a pinch for my anxiety, but the inebriation is still inebriation. I don't like it and the anxiety meds do a better job without inebriation. (I only took weed after I was clear free from military duties. I had no obligation for inactive reserve since I already served 10. To be clear, it's legal in Michigan. )

BTW, Wellbutrin, the drug for depression, is a shitty drug that makes living worse. So against my doctor's wishes I stopped taking it. (Your mileage may vary.)

In the eyes of the non-care-providers that sent the inappropriate email. I had a free ticket for all the cosmetic surgery in the world! They didn't care I wouldn't use it. They cared that they believed I had one. And that threw a wrench harder at the whole "trans people don't exist and the President and your boss would like to fire you for existing."

So. F* it. I've been complaining about my mental health for half a decade, nobody wants me here, I keep getting high marks with no promotion. This was obviously the reason why.

That's systemic transphobia BTW, in case you're wondering. They hated me for being queer, for seeking help I never seemed to get, continually being told I need to do "just a little bit better" while keeping an entire squadron afloat. And the nail in the coffin was admitting I'm trans and admitting I was at my utter limit. And just. Accepting defeat for things that your average person would never have to deal with.

The team behind the trans medical care is full of queer and queer-adjacent people that know what they're doing. And don't take anything lightly. My session took 5 minutes because I knew everything about myself and why. And had no reason to quit the military except for all that other stuff.

The other people there were not so lucky. One session took hours. Another was because she focused on a diagnosis she got from Canadian doctors that weren't approved by air force doctors. (She was stationed in Canada, that's why. But her records didn't transfer because F* Canada, I guess.)

I get the feeling the others in my group were also being held back because of the "they still have use to the military and the military wants their investment back." Which, while legitimate, kind of a d* move. Since you have to adhere to gendered standards.

A bit easier for trans men. But women aren't allowed to shave their head, and for men it's encouraged. (as well as nail standards and pretty sexist uniform standards.)

But whatever you do out of uniform is OK!

I just wanna grow my hair out and paint my nails. While on the subject of shitty military uniform regulations: Men would like the option to not shave their beards without having to praise Allah for permission. (Religious exception joke.)

See, my transition was easy because I'm older, served my time, knew what I was, and had my anxiety controlled. (Although, me being on my way out probably helped too.)

Theres wasn't.

Remember, I'm in a position where I'm detransitioned against my will. I can't access the health care that I'm owed for disability. And literally everybody thinks less of me both, because I served my country, and because I'm trans. (they think my VA card is fake.)

My position isn't fair.

I don't know what it's like on the civilian side. I know that many people complain they still can't afford healthcare even after the affordable care act was passed. So I don't know how they can be in a position where they afforded transition care, got a diagnosis that didn't immediately shut them out, and not only could afford the care, got the works done and still regretted it. (I have a friend who's been trying to get her tubes tied for nearly three decades and they keep denying her because "what if she changes her mind?")

If I were to bet, it would be on the greed of the providers that that specific individual saw. I would blame the health care system that cares more about making profit than their patients. Because that's how everybody else is hurt by the civilian health care system. Not just trans kids. Everybody.

So blaming trans people doesn't change the fact that the healthcare system itself runs on greed and profits instead of the Hippocratic oath.

Hell. Even our fentanyl problem can be traced back to that one issue with medical coverage in the U.S.

So. No. I don't think any legislation has been put forth with trans youths best interest in mind. And the reason for that is probably because lobbyists are trying to protect profit margins for an industry that's hurting every single U.S. citizen.

[persephoneflouwers]

Totally agree with not normalising gifting cigarettes and alcohol. Also it bothers me so much how many people on tumblr hype up Louis' smoking and drinking. They go on and on about how hot he is when he smokes and think he's an adorable idiot when he talks about drinking too much and having a hangover on a regular basis. It doesn't have to bother you the way it does others, Louis' a big boy and can make his own decisions I get that, but why does fandom treat it like it's cool or funny?

The world has made an aesthetic out of smocking, even before the studies on nicotine and addiction. Basically, this is what is happening with Louis’ image. Smocking cigarettes is conventionally and collectively accepted in every living society. Can you believe until the early 2000 smocking indoor was legal? Like you used to go in a bar or a club and there would be a cloud of smoke impossible to avoid. There are still places where this still happens.

It’s easy for me to go ew ew about it because I’ve never smoked. And it was part of my educational process to spread the idea that smocking is bad.

Even the scientific community still struggles to stop this huge prevalence of smokers worldwide, I am not surprised this happens on tumblr.com!

[fuccman]

5/12/24

the ultimate uncomfortable truth is that nothing else matters other than what you are doing in this precise moment. avoiding __? improving your life (via finances, health, stress, relationships)? wasting time away from things that truly matter? a degree of empathy and self-love could be necessary if what/how you have been has been giving you the same results/stopping action past a certain point

or maybe its a degree of being more accountable and focusing on action - at the end of the day if you aren't making use of your time towards goals/progress/maintenance, nothing is going to change

in fact that can be infinitely dangerous which was my personal experience - feeding myself dopamine as "self-care/mental health breaks" via familiar substances like nicotine and THC. You do anything long enough, it becomes a habit. Your new way of being. But I was justifying it as self-care and that justification became more concrete the longer I participated in the "artificial/unnatural/dangerous ways of boosting dopamine instantly", shaping my brain and daily habits that would become harder and harder to break out of for me right now since I am coming out from that period of unhealthy self-love in the form of unnatural dopamine hits. unhealthy because it's habit forming and scientifically, retrained my mind to gravitate towards comfort in the form of DISTRACTION, EASY DOPAMINE THAT DOES NOT REFLECT REAL LIFE (replicating the endorphins & feel good brain juices from say, coming in 1st in a 500 person marathon race, but getting it delivered right away by sucking on a robot penis)

i'm steering this more towards present thought as that is KING, each second even as I type is forging a future that i have an influence in.

as a reminder when I look back, right now I just came back from seeing friends, I worked out hard earlier, ate clean, did some kitchen chores I usually avoid, but also I absolutely need to take action on the bigger things too. It is good I maximized a stretch of time to benefit in multiple categories, but the truly larger priority relevant tasks are yet to be done. I have fierce mental resistance with the feeling of "ugh I dont wanna do it" while cringing when I think about those things, but it makes sense as it will be a longer sustained task where my brain right now is still recovering from being used to pleasure/reward without any sustained or even short tasks.......