#also it was oddly hard for me to find her on google? like it kept showing me a pic of Some Other Lady

[handsome-girl-competition]

I hope it’s okay to send stuff even though the competition is over but have you seen Grimme from Alchemy Stars… they really released the handsomest girl ever after it was over 😭 I just thought you’d appreciate her

she didnt even get a chance.... dw theres always next year 🥺

[avtvmnalvibes]

Fallin’ For Ya

A/N: Hi y’all!! This is my first fic I’m posting to tumblr. I have my AO3 account in my bio, and you can find all my previous fics + this one posted there. Shoutout to @dopp-likes-yanderes because one of the asks on their blog inspired this fic this past May, and it’s been sitting half finished in my google docs account from now until today. Thank you for giving me your blessing to post this!! Also note that I’m on mobile so if anything is formatted really weird that’s the culprit. Happy Valentine’s Day everybody!!

CW: female!reader, biblical references, Philip being a Puritan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Philip Wittebane was seething.

His day had started out as it normally did these days. Go to the market, limp about, look pathetic in hopes of finding some abominable creature to trick into being his sacrifice. It had taken a turn for the worse however when the brother’s of that disappointment Blue Fang had shown up and demanded both payment and information, taking his journal and taunting him. He kept up the act, inwardly calculating whether they could be reasoned with or tricked, or whether or not he could kill them without repercussions, when he had been saved by a foolhardy young witch who was oddly eager to accompany him. Her knowledge of the Collector made her easier prey then he ever could have hoped for, and he had decided that things were finally coming up Wittebane, when suddenly.

“…and this is my Aunt uh….Dirtrude and uh-“

“(Y/N) will do just fine, Luzura.”

He felt something creep up his spine, both pleasant and unpleasant, turned his gaze slightly to the side, and felt his mouth fall open.

Caleb was laughing from beyond the grave, he knew it. In fact, if he didn’t know any better, he would say that Caleb had orchestrated this, some supernatural, eternal, annoying older brother ability to push him to his limits. Because there, in front of him, stood the most gorgeous creature he had ever seen in his life. Pure temptation, the likes of which he had only heard in sermons and in his brother’s voice when he talked about her.

Hence the seething.

He listened to ‘Luzura’ chatter on about something about crabs, or toe-gres, or something else of little consequence compared to the emotions he was trying to keep at bay. He was NOT like Caleb. Caleb had been weak, he had succumbed to temptation, fornication, and witchcraft. Philip was a good, God-fearing man, who would take a HUMAN wife, thank-you-very-much and be fruitful with HER.

His internal rant was broken up by a shriek, and he came to as someone crashed into his back. Hands clutched onto his chest and back, perfume filling the air, and he pushed down the sharp, breath-catching arousal that came with the feeling. He turned around sharply, gripping her waist with aggression, hard enough to bruise, and was stopped short before he could react in any way shape or form.

Her kerchief, the one that had been tied round her head, had slipped in her fall, and had revealed her ears.

Her round ears.

He finally allowed the attraction that he had been fighting back to flood his body, and he felt his blood coursing through his veins, warming him and turning his brain foggy as he stared at the woman, the human woman in front of him. The very sensations he had been attempting to drown out just seconds ago were allowed back. The feel of her body, warm beneath his, the scent of her. He had never been so aroused in his entire life, and all he could do was internally crow to his brother, to beyond the grave.

“See? I can only be tempted by a human woman! You who so quickly gave into a mistress of Satan, a follower of the Devil, but not me!”

His focus was returned by the sound of her voice, her face so close to his that he could feel her breath across his face and neck.

“Oh, Mr. Wittebane, are you alright? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to grab you like that, I-“

“Don’t trouble yourself for one second Miss (Y/N), I assure you, I am not in the least bit angry.”

She seemed taken aback at this, and tilted her head to the side.

“….You’re not?”

He grinned, giddier than he ever had as a boy, and wound his arms tighter around her waist, pulling her close to him and delighting in the way her face flushed and breath quickened.

“On the contrary! My dear Miss (Y/N), I have but one question; why didn’t you tell me that you too were human?”

She paled, one hand darting up to cover her ear, and he found that he quite preferred her flustered to frightened.

“I’m terribly sorry for deceiving you Mr. Wittebane but, well…you know better than anyone how hard it can be for a human on the Boiling Isles. Besides, we didn’t know whether you would take kindly to another human…so we elected that it was best to hide it.”

We…we? Oh! Right. He’d been so enraptured that he’d forgotten that they had company. He looked over to their other traveling companions and found that they had reassured themselves of her well-being when he had caught her and had begun to amble ahead, moving slowly so as not to leave them behind.

“I understand Miss (Y/N). You’re quite right of course; I know the trials a human on the Boiling Isles faces all too well. I must confess to being a tad offended that you could think me hostile towards other humans, however the logical side of me understands your caution and finds it prudent.”

She turned her face up to him, her chin resting on his chest as she faced him fully, and he felt something within his chest clench. Dear God…

“Your forgiveness is deeply appreciated Mr. Wittebane.”

“Philip. Please.”

He spoke before he could stop himself, words spilling over his lips, which he clamped shut before any more of the contents of his heart and mind could be revealed.

He saw a flush rise up her cheeks, and felt one of his own creep up to match, heart pounding desperately in his chest she had to have felt it given her proximity.

“Alright Mr.- Philip. Then you must call me (Y/N). No ‘Miss’ in front of it. Just (Y/N).”

He grabbed her hand and raised it to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles and lingering, savoring the moment as if it was the last meal he would ever receive.

“(Y/N)….it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

She exhaled shakily, eyes wide and lips parted, and Philip Wittebane swore he’d never seen a more beautiful sight. Like Adam before Eve, he had never felt such an assured sense of belonging to someone in his whole life.

“Hey, are you guys alright back there? You’ve been standing still for like, 10 minutes.”

He turned his head to look behind him, and saw Luzura staring at them with an expression of concern on her face, Dirtrude next to her still scribbling away in her little notebook and muttering something about ‘Deadwardian Balustrades’.

“We’re just fine Luz,”

(Y/N) called out, and he took a great deal of satisfaction in the breathiness of her voice.

That satisfaction was quickly replaced by disappointment and annoyance as she left his hold and his arms, though he was reassured slightly by her catching his arm as she walked past, holding onto the sleeve of his coat as they walked side by side.

“So…Philip. How much longer until we get to where we’re headed?”

Luzura’s voice piped up. For a moment Philip prepared to create the transportation circle of glyphs, body several steps ahead of him, when suddenly, he did what he was best at; he thought. And in this brief moment of thought, his mind stalling his body before he could move to scratch a single glyph into the dirt beneath his feet, he came up with a plan. It was a little rushed admittedly, and less a full fledged plan as much as it was a little subterfuge that he would use to shape the rest of the events that followed into the result he desired, but still. When the result would be marrying the woman he was increasingly sure was the yoke mate that William Whately had described in his sermon The Bride Bush, how could he resist enacting it?

“Oh dear! The time we spent lingering back there has cost us. I’m afraid we won’t make it before nightfall.”

Everyone’s faces morphed into varying degrees of horror and dismay.

“But it’s not safe to travel during the night! And we’re too far from Bonesborrough to head back now!”

Dirtrude’s voice was shrill with panic, eyes darting around as if she could see imaginary creatures swooping in and carrying them off as they attempted to travel safely. Perfect.

“Thankfully, I’ve explored these stretches of woods many times before. I know a safe place to spend the night nearby. I often find I’d rather risk the cruelty of nature as opposed to that of the townspeople.”

The whole party looked at him in pity, and he felt a thrill as (Y/N) laid her other hand on his shoulder, drawing his attention to her as she gazed up at him.

“How far away is this place?”

“Not far. A little ways behind us, but not enough that we shan’t reach it before the sun sets, and not so out of the way that it will inconvenience us when we get our start tomorrow.”

(Y/N) looked around at her companions, conferring silently with them until she nodded and turned her attention back to him.

“Lead the way then Philip.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Philip wrote in his journal, his work illuminated by the fire they had set for warmth. His description of (Y/N) was coming along nicely, her temperament and mannerisms unfolding easily beneath his pen.

He looked over to his side, and saw her face illuminated by the fire, resting and peaceful.

“Soon neither of us shall have to worry about any danger the Boiling Isles have to offer.”

He muttered, as he began a few detailed sketches of her. Her as she lay beside him now, her blushing as she looked up at him, her face broken out into a smile.

“Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.”

Never before had the meaning of the Word of God seemed so clear to him. William Whately’s words rang through his head once again, his teachings on the virtues necessary for marriage striking a chord beyond the academic and theological interest he had once observed the sermon with.

“We’ll find our way home (Y/N), don’t fret. Once I’ve rid this world of evil, I’ll be able to take you home to Gravesfield and marry you.”

He blew gently on the ink to dry it, observing her likeness fondly as he turned to gaze upon the real thing. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Sweet dreams my love.”

[heyhihellowhatsup0]

Hooked On Your Feelings - Chapter Two (FWB! Tom Holland x Reader)

SERIES MASTERLIST

Warnings: Some angst, language, eventual smut in future chapters, fluff

Word Count: 5255

Summary: After a bad breakup, making an agreement with your womanizing neighbor, Tom to be friends with added benefits and no strings attached seemed like the perfect idea. Until things become messy, emotions caused your agreement to crumble.

A/N:  I am HYPE to post this new chapter! Omg I just love writing this series so much its so fun writing Tom like this lol. Also low key...this chapter has an easter egg to a pervious series of mine and I’m v curious if anyone catches it but probably not because its superrr tiny but either way I hope you guys like this one! Obviously, smut is in this chapter! DM me to be tagged and I cannot wait to hear everyone’s thoughts! (Also .gif is not mine. DM me for credit please, I found on google!) Thank you xx -N

“What happened to that girl you took home the other night from The Lace Rabbit?” Harrison asked as he ordered his lunch before he took a seat at the table with Tom. It was typical for them to meet up during the week on their lunch breaks and catch up when they were not busy being wingmen for the other while bar hopping on the weekends. 

Tom shrugged off Harrison’s question as he took a bite of his sandwich, “She got a little clingy so I had Y/N help me get rid of her,” he smiled as he said your name out loud. His friends knew of you as the hot girl who lived next door who bailed him out of sticky situations. Always teasing Tom how he could never actually get you. The irony made it all too funny for him, “How’d it go with that blonde girl?” he asked to change the subject off of him.

He didn’t know if he should bring up the two of you sleeping together with Harrison. Harrison was his best friend and wouldn’t judge but he knew he’d give Tom shit for it. He’d want to know details of your arrangement or how it came about, if you were really that good and Tom didn’t feel comfortable answering that. Not if it was about you. He didn’t want his other friends knowing about you in the way he did. That was personal between you both and he wanted to show you he respected you.

“It didn’t,” Harrison admitted while taking a sip of his water. He let out a chuckle as he felt himself blushing, “Forgot her name and she spilt her drink on me. Can’t say I didn’t deserve that one,” he at least knew when he was in the wrong.

Tom cringed into his sandwich as he let out a cackle, “You definitely deserved it, mate,” he laughed with another bite. His phone vibrated in his pocket but he chose to ignore it, knowing like clock work what it probably was. It was going to ruin the rest of his day and he at least wanted to enjoy lunch with his friend before getting pissed off for the day.

“She’d probably love you,” Harrison teased. 

“Fuck off,” Tom rolled his eyes with a laugh. “I’m not taking your angry seconds.”

“Don’t knock angry sex til you try it,” Harrison smirked knowingly. 

Tom shook his head as he once again ignored the phone ringing, “I think I’m good, thanks,” he brushed it off with another eyeroll. 

He didn’t know why he suddenly felt weird talking about their last venture out at the club. Maybe it was because Tom knew where he ended up after that girl had left and he knew what that meant for the both of you. But Tom wasn’t done with his bachelor days, and even you knew that. Hell, you practically insisted since this was a no strings attached deal.

It just felt strange not telling Harrison about you. Like it was a weird secret. But at the same time, he felt oddly protective of you. Not wanting his friends to see you as some girl he was getting laid with. Or worse, a potential love interest. He knew it wasn’t going to happen. Hell would be freezing over before Tom decided on any sort of long term obligation. But he knew his friends and he knew they wouldn’t see this is a simple agreement between two friends. And he didn’t want to deal with that conversation.

Staying quiet was the better option. For his own sanity. And...well, would you care if he told anyone about this? Tom figured that was another rule he’d have to ask about. He didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and he knew you had a list of rules as well that he was happy to follow. As long as that meant one thing and one thing only: non-exclusive.

Harrison noticed Tom’s phone buzzing for the third time. And Tom ignored it for the third time. He checked the message with a huff of his breath before turning the screen face down on the table, going back to his lunch before he had to get back to work.

“Clingy girl?” Harrison nodded towards Tom’s phone. 

Tom shook his head, “My mother was supposed to visit this weekend but you know the routine,” he mumbled into his food, not even wanting to respond to her.

“Let me guess,” Harrison began, knowing exactly where this was going since he knew Tom’s whole story inside and out. Including the bits he hated to discuss which was mainly his family, “Going skiing with Clint in Veil instead?” he questioned knowingly.

Tom scoffed out a laugh at his guess, “Surfing with Clint in Malibu but same shit,” he corrected as he tried not to let it get to him. But even Harrison could tell he was getting bothered by it once again and who could honestly blame him.

 Always the same story every time no matter what and Tom grew tired of her antics. He couldn’t even blame Clint for it anymore considering she’d been this way since he was a kid before he was even in the picture. Only now she would just use him as the perfect excuse to get out of coming to visit.

He knew he shouldn’t care anymore but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t something easy for him to simply let go of. It was his mother. And no matter how many times he’d try she would always give him back the bare minimum and it always made him upset. She was his one final connection to him and she could care less about any of it, so why did Tom? It always got under his skin and he loathed that it did.

But he would still invite her. No matter how miserable it made him.

“Well at least now you’re free this weekend,” Harrison broke his thought while he gathered their garbage before they headed back to work, “The usual at The Lace Rabbit this Saturday then?” he suggested with a knowing smile to try and get Tom out of his mood.

Grabbing his phone, Tom clutched it tightly as he inhaled sharply. Knowing his change of plans meant doing his normal routine even though he was looking forward to the slight change this weekend, which now just seemed bleak to him

.

“Yeah,” Tom agreed as he tapped your name on his phone but hesitated when he saw his mother trying to call for a fourth time, “The usual this weekend.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your chest tensed as you got into your car after your extremely long day in the office. Everything around you felt heavy and you couldn’t wait to get home as soon as you could but you found yourself still frozen in your car. Unable to move as the moments from earlier this afternoon invaded your thoughts once again while you tried your best to move in. Even though you knew you were completely grief stricken and didn’t know what the hell to do.

The promotion was yours, at least you had thought it was by the way your boss would constantly hint at it. You knew it was never a definite thing, but you were confident in the hard work you had put into your job and knew you were a top contender for the spot. You worked longer hours, took on extra tasks, you even worked on the occasional weekend to get your work done. Taking every precaution necessary to prove that you were the best fit for the role.

Everything felt like it was lining up for you. Co-workers were giving you a pat on the back for your work accomplishments, your boss was taking note of everything you were doing, and you overall felt really good about where you stood for the potential position. So imagine your surprise when you attended the big luncheon and your boss announced his undeserving son was getting the spot instead of you.

It was both nepotism and misogyny rolled into one and it made your stomach turn the longer you had thought about it. None of it made any sense and it was far from fair. You knew you were the one more deserving of the position, the whole office knew it. Even your damn boss knew but he chose his damn son over you and it felt like a stab right to your gut.

You felt so betrayed and beside yourself as you finally decided to head home. Tears streamed down your cheeks while you tried to focus on the road but you just couldn’t ignore the facts. How were you going to be able to show up and take orders now from your boss’ son? You knew the job more than he did and it felt like a huge screw you.

On your drive home, you tried to make yourself feel better by putting on some music to distract yourself but nothing helped. You felt beyond defeated and frustrated right now you didn’t know what was going to make you feel better at the moment. It felt like the world was against you. Between finding Justin with another woman and your job, you were really batting one thousand lately and you weren’t sure when you would catch a break.

Things were not going how you planned at all. The thought of just quitting your job and starting all over again crossed your mind but the fear of the unknown kept haunting you. You didn’t know which direction to go in or who to turn to for advice anymore. You were slowly drowning and you needed someone to throw you a goddamn life jacket already.

You were relieved to finally be home. Maybe some peace and quiet would make you feel a little better, you thought to yourself while you kicked your shoes off and turned some music on for yourself. Trying to put the day behind you and focus on the present moment while you got changed into more comfortable clothes to unwind.

You jumped out of your skin when you heard a knock at your door, not expecting anybody to come by right now. Pulling your hair up into a bun, you headed back towards the door and looked through the peephole. To your surprise, you weren’t really surprised at all. You were actually sort of relieved when you opened the door and saw Tom standing there holding a pizza box.

“That better have extra cheese,” you asked with a narrowed expression while you invited him inside with the pizza that he would always bring you even in normal times. 

Placing the box on the kitchen table, Tom opened it with a grin as he showed you the pizza pie with cheese practically oozing from the crusts, “Figured it was an extra toppings sort of day,” he admitted, knowing he really needed the escape from reality. Even if it was just a pizza.

“Tell me about it,” you sighed as you grabbed a piece closest to you as Tom handed you a paper plate. You headed over towards your refrigerator to grab you both a few beers while Tom leaned up against your kitchen counter as he devoured his slice, “I’m guessing you had a bad day judging by your pizza presentation?” knowing there wasn’t really any particular reason he’d be coming over with it today. Unless if he wanted something?

You slowed your pace back from the fridge wondering if he was going to pick up on how you were feeling. You weren’t entirely sure if you wanted him to notice. Whenever you and Tom had a pizza night it was merely to gossip about your lunatic neighbors or watch a game together. You talked about casual things but never really gone into depth or prying into each other’s lives. Why did it feel like suddenly you wanted something different? Would sex change that much in your friendship?

“We can just ignore that...we don’t have to talk about unimportant stuff,” you waved it off. Tom didn’t need to hear about your miserable day. And you didn’t want to pry into his. 

He swallowed the last bite of his slice, “If something makes you upset, it’s not unimportant,” he noted. But when he noticed you just looking at him, he raised his hands in surrender. “Ignore my philosophical ass. But I’d like to hear about your day, you know,” he laughed it off. 

What the hell was he doing? He thought to himself. Don’t let personal shit ruin this. Enjoy her company. That’s it. 

“I didn’t get the promotion,” you told him. You had mentioned to Tom a while ago that your boss was hinting at it but you never went into detail with him about it. You weren’t used to Tom actually wanting to be open or the other way around. And you’d be lying if you said you weren’t slightly surprised Tom even gave a crap about stuff like this. 

Tom frowned at your answer and he felt his heart sink a bit when you told him the truth about your bad day. He didn’t know much about your job but he was sure you were a hard worker. He saw how much you loved your job and how passionate you were about it when it would come up. You would share upcoming projects with him from time to time and he would see the look on your face whenever you explained them to him. So hearing that you were passed by for a promotion was upsetting to him.

“I...shit, Y/N,” he put his pizza down as he walked over towards to give you a hug. Sliding his hands around your waist he pulled you into him as he felt you relax against his chest, “You didn’t deserve that,” he added softly.

You allowed Tom to embrace you, his warmness comforting you a bit before you pulled away and started crying when telling him about your boss’ son getting the job instead of you. Making you laugh by calling him every name in the book, you and Tom finally found a common ground as you kept venting to him.

Tom pulled away slowly, his hand resting at your chin while he licked his lips, “You’re boss sounds like a fucking prick, I hope you know that,” he told you reassuringly. The small smile you formed when he spoke made him want to keep making you feel better, “I’m glad you’re smiling,” he blushed at his confession.

Stretching your mouth wider, you flashed Tom a playful yet overly wide grin to deflect the attention he gave to you. The two of you laughed as Tom pulled away with a loud chuckle, shaking his head at your sudden silliness, “That has to be the most hideous smile. But we’ll work on it,” he told you through his laughter.

You rolled your eyes before going back to your pizza, giving Tom a look as you nudged him, “Not gonna tell me about what happened to you?” you finally asked.

Tom tensed as he tried to brush it off with a simple shrug into his pizza. The thought of his mother’s texts and ridiculous apologies and excuses continued to drive him crazy as he mumbled into his bite, “It’s stupid shit,” he told you as he swallowed the crust he was chewing, “Mom stuff, not important,” he added bluntly.

You could see the look on his face and could tell it was important to him but you didn’t want to force him to talk about it. Tom was never one to bring up his family ever to you and that was the first time you had ever heard him even mention his mother. He never spoke of his father, at least to you, so you just assumed both were out of his life for whatever reason and it was none of your business to ask.

 And Tom refused to admit it but he wanted you to ask about him. Spending hours upon hours at bars, turning his focus always onto the girl; because he knew no girl would ever want to go home with a self righteous, egotistical guy. It was never something Tom minded to do, especially with complete strangers who he would never open up to in a million years. It might have been the recent development he had with you but there was something refreshing he felt around you and as much as it freaked him out, he didn’t seem to mind.

But diving into his mommy issues with you now seemed too much to deal with right now. You were dealing with more than enough problems with your job and your miserable ex-boyfriend, he figured you didn’t need to hear his bitching right now anyway. He came here to get away from those shitty thoughts, not open those wounds further. 

Tom came here for a distraction.

Licking his lips, Tom perked up as he looked at you fervidly, “Wanna have sex?” he asked matter of factly. He figured he didn’t need to beat around the bush since you had your arrangement but maybe he was a bit too direct with his request. Tom cleared his throat as he tried to save the night, “I-I mean, I just figured since we both had shitty days that maybe we could uhm-”

“Thought you’d never ask,” you cut him off with a smirk and you perked up as well, nodding as you smoothed out your hair. Standing back up as you turned your back towards him, removing your shirt in the process, “Let’s go,” you called over your shoulder as you headed towards your room.

“Oh, we’re jumping right in,” Tom mumbled to himself as he practically fell off his chair to follow you into your room, tossing his shirt beside yours as he practically froze already seeing you completely undressed, “Christ…” he breathed out while taking you in. 

You rolled your eyes as you walked over to him, bringing your lips to his now bare shoulder, “You’re really acting like you haven’t seen me like this the other day?” You laughed against his skin while you began to suck a bruise against him, hearing him let out a gasp while your hand snaked into his pants sneakily, “Beginning to really like this whole friends with benefits thing we have,” you laughed as you found Tom’s lips.

Practically growling into your kiss, Tom lifted you up and lowered you onto your back on your bed. His lips traveled from yours, to your stomach, dipping his tongue into your belly button as you moaned quietly before he brought himself down between your thighs. His lips peppering your inner thigh before he got straight to the point because this whole arrangement meant no foreplay. Another plus for Tom.

“Darling, I think you may be the best friend I’ve ever had,” Tom breathed out a laugh as he pressed his tongue flatly against your clit. Sliding two of his fingers into your core while he slowly pumped in and out of you, “This is what got me through my day today,” he told you before he brought his mouth back to your core.

You arched your back while your fingers went towards Tom’s curls. His name began to fall from your lips while he lapped his tongue carefully, letting it slip inside of you as he continued to tease you with his mouth. His fingers sliding into you again, adding a third as he moaned against your center; allowing the vibrations to roll throughout your entire body.

“Mmm, oh, fuck...!” you cried out, yanking gently against Tom’s hair as you felt the coil beginning to burn from inside of you. Biting your lip to stifle another moan, “Fuck...yo-you’re really good at that,” you breathed out with a small laugh which turned into a whimper.

With his head peering up at you, Tom flashed you a cocky smile with a playful wink as he licked your folds teasingly, “Did you seriously doubt my abilities to make you cum with my mouth, Y/N?” he raised his eyebrow while pumping his fingers now tantalizingly slow, “You’re gonna pay for that comment,” he said to you.

“Just...shut up and make me cum, Tom,” you told him through another gasp as you felt his teeth drag teasingly against your already throbbing bud. His lips wrapped around it as he sucked more harshly, doing exactly as you had asked him to do, “Ungh...oh god, okay. Yeah, keep doing that,” you instructed as you began to grind your hips against his mouth.

Tom took it as a challenge and picked up his pace, beginning to flick your clit faster while he continuously sucked on it. His three fingers now entirely coated in your warmth as he felt you clenching around them. His pants feeling tighter from his hard on while he knelt at the end of your bed trying to bring you to where he wanted.

His free hand splayed against your stomach, holding you in place while he felt you trying to squirm around from the way he was making you feel. Rubbing your clit in between his breaths, Tom looked up at you as he licked a solid stripe down your center, “Let out how you’re feeling from today and cum for me, Y/N,” Tom commanded. 

Your eyes shut as you did exactly what Tom had suggested. Completely coming undone from beneath him while you released as much of the tension from earlier as you possibly could but in the most amazing way. Your eyes rolled back into your head while your back arched as Tom’s tongue continued to work you up while you were at your highest point.

Letting out a breathy laugh as you started to come down from it, feeling Tom begin to kiss his way back up your stomach with a smug look, “Don’t give me that look,” you rolled your eyes at his cockiness as his tongue traced along your neck, “I could do what you just did to myself, you know,” you tried to knock him off his high horse a bit while he pretended to be wounded from your words.

“Ah, but you didn’t. Did you?” Tom reminded you as his lips found yours. His hands still in between your thighs as he brought them between you both, showing you his coated fingers while he tasted you off of them, “Tastes like I made you cum because you wanted me to,” his smugness only elevated as he pushed himself off of you as he laid on his back on your bed.

“Need I remind you that you came to my place like a porno with a pizza looking to get laid,” you retaliated as you shifted so you were now hovering over him. Your hands guiding towards his belt buckle to get him out of his restraintive pants. The pleading look on his face made you just as smug, “Sounds like you want me to do just about the same thing, am I right or am I right?” you sang in his ear.

Tom helped you get the rest of his pants and boxers off, feeling himself spring out as he stared back at you with uncertainty, “Did you...just call me a porn star?” he questioned as the two of you let out a laugh.

“You wish, Tommy,” you teased as you ran your tongue down his abs, placing small and open kisses against his stomach as you made your way down to his legs while your hand carefully gripped his hardened length, your thumb running the pre-cum around his tip while you already heard him gasping for you.

Gripping your bedsheets with one hand, Tom reached around to create a makeshift ponytail to hold your hair. Cussing under his breath as he watched your mouth wrap around his tip, swirling your tongue around it while your eyes searched for his. He was really trying to hold it together but you were already driving him crazy.

“Let’s see what you got, Y/N,” Tom challenged you with a heavy breath as he tightened his grip around your hair, “Sometimes, girls think they know exactly what to do but-OH FUCK!” 

His words were lost as soon as your mouth went straight down to his base. Suctioning as hard as you could before coming back up his cock painfully slow. Moaning your name as his chest began to heave, Tom felt his thighs start to quiver from under you. Even just watching the way you were working on him was enough to make him whimper right now.

“Fuck...okay, yeah I take that back,” Tom gasped as his nose crinkled up while his other hand white knuckled the sheets, “God, your mouth is fucking perfect. Why haven’t we done any of this shit before?” he was in such a fucked out haze, he wasn’t even sure if anything he was saying made any sense at all. But he felt his stress from earlier going away finally. Even if this was just a short state of bliss, he was grateful for it anyway.

“You really want me to answer that or would you just prefer me to keep sucking your dick?” you sassed while you kitten licked his tip. You watched from the end of the bed as Tom bucked his hips into your mouth to try and get more contact from your lips but you pulled away from him and just kept licking his tip.

God, you were good, Tom thought to himself.

‘K-keep going,” Tom finally breathed out, flinging his head against the pillow to brace for the impact.

Hollowing your cheeks, you pushed yourself all the way down his cock. Your tongue flicking the base in between as you began to feel him throb inside of your mouth. You could tell he was close so you moaned softly into his cock, watching as Tom shuddered from the sensation you just sent through him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Tom cried out, moaning your name as he rutted his hips into your mouth. His pupils blacked as he felt the heat rising in his body, “Shit...I’m gonna cum, Y/N,” he warned as you pulled away, running your hand down his shaft as he began to come undone for you.

His warmth spilled out into your hand and down his cock while he let go finally. The stress somewhat leaving his body as it did yours while the euphoric high peaked for him. Your lips crashed against his while his tongue parted your lips to find yours, tangling them together as he moaned against your mouth while riding out his high finally.

You waited for Tom to catch his breath before you smiled against his lips, placing a small peck against them as you pulled away with an even bigger grin, “Yeah, you’re welcome,” you gave him the same arrogant tone he gave to you moments earlier before you pecked his lips again.

After taking some time to get yourselves together mixed with the continuous fooling around underneath the sheets, you and Tom finally decided to get up and end the night. Even though he didn’t want to leave, he knew he probably shouldn’t overstay. Primarily, Tom was adamant about never spending the night at a girl’s place that he slept with. That made things complicated and he didn’t want complicated. But since you and him had rules to not make things messy, he wasn’t sure if that applied to you. For now, he wanted to play it safe so he got himself dressed again.

You pulled on an oversized t-shirt, realizing both of your hair looked a mess. Luckily you were already home and Tom was down the hall so it didn’t really matter. You wanted to say something to Tom, that you were thankful he came by tonight. You were thankful even before sex was on the table. It felt nice to have him as an ally to swing by with a pizza when he didn’t even know you needed that.

“...is it weird to say I’m glad you came by?” you gestured towards your bedroom while you walked with him out into the kitchen where the half eaten pizza was left, “I know we haven’t really made too many rules about it but…” you trailed off with a nervous laugh as you smiled at him awkwardly.

“Like we said, zero weirdness,” Tom reminded you as he padded his way over to you. He grabbed a leftover crust from the box and shoved it in his mouth, clearly starving already from the workout you had just given him. He smiled while he chewed lazily, his mouth still filled with pizza crumbs, “But I’m happy to come by when we have shit days...and make you cum as well,” he smirked deviously. 

The door opened as you smiled back, “Doesn’t have to be just bad days, you know. We could...screw whenever we feel like it,” you told him, hoping that it wasn’t too much.

“Did you just say screw?” he whipped his head towards you with a loud laugh.

“Alright then, I guess I’ll just leave you to the girls who leave you unsatisfied then,” you fought back.

Tom leaned against the door with his mouth gaped open, “They do not...leave me...unsatisfied?” he questioned himself, knowing that that was true, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

“Then why are you here?” you placed a hand on your hip, feeling the smile pulling at your lips while you messed around with him. You certainly weren’t in this mood earlier before Tom came around.

Pressing his lips together, Tom rolled his eye at you, “Fine...we can screw...whenever,” he leaned in closer to you with his eyes big as he mimicked your voice when you said it, “As long as we keep this thing strictly what we intended, you can use me whenever you need, Y/N,” and he meant it.

You didn’t back away when he sealed his words with a soft kiss, paired with his trademark grin. Tom pulled away slowly, taking in the moment as he wished you a goodnight quietly before kissing you against the cheek, “Like I said, best friend I ever had,” he said softly once again.

“Am I interrupting something?” A voice broke from behind the two of you. Both of your eyes widened towards each other as you both simultaneously pivoted your heads towards the staircase where the voice was coming from.

Tom closed his eyes with a groan, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to ignore Harrison staring at the two of you with a crooked grin. Making it known to Tom that explaining this was going to be a lot tougher than he had imagined.

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[newtonsheffield]

Did Ben finally cave and teach Sophie to drive?

Also how did she react when he said “in this glasses... I don’t think so” ☺️

Ben did not teach Sophie to drive. Not because he was actually opposed to teaching her to drive, Even though he would have found her glasses to be very distracting which she still finds a little bemusing honestly, because they’re glasses she needs them to see. But rather because Sophie decides to plan a little surprise for Benedict... with the help of the BWC. 

Sophie really wasn’t sure what had made her bring it up. She’d been sitting in the back of Kate’s car, Penelope beside her, Lucy in the front beside Kate and the words had just come rushing out Could you guys teach me to drive?  Lucy had spun around a little surprised You can’t drive?! adn Sophie had shifted a little embarrassedly Honestly, by the time I could learn my Dad had died and You met her, Do you really think Araminta was going to teach me? Besides I couldn’t afford a car anyway. Lucy had hummed softly, Kate cutting across her Yesssss Guys! Let’s teach Sophie to drive, how fun will it be?! Penelope had looked a little alarmed as Kate pulled to an abrupt stop jostling all the passengers Perhaps... Lucy and I should teach you. Kate might have a few bad habits. 

Of course Anthony had practically doubled over with laughter when Sophie had arrived at their house with her provisional licence, a little excited to learn. Kate’s going to teach you to drive??? Kate is??? tears rolling down his cheeks as his wife looked peevishly at him. There’s no need to laugh quite so hard Honey. She said sarcastically I’m an excellent driver! Anthony cackled even harder You mounted the curb just yesterday! He wheezed. And are you Dead?! Kate said irritatedly, grabbing her coat. Sophie said to Anthony in an aside Technically Lucy will be doing most of the teaching, Anthony smirked Aaaand there’s the truth I expected. Tell Lucy not to let you get too wild. Sophie and Kate left the house with Kate throwing a rude hand gesture back at her husband as she kissed their baby on the head. 

An hour later Sophie was sitting a little anxiously behind the wheel of Lucy’s Mercedes which Sophie had been alarmed to learn the price of last night when she’d done a google hoping to scare herself into being responsible with Lucy’s property. Lucy had driven them a little ways out of the city to a calmish street, while Kate ate a packet of crisps, loudly, in the backseat, before she’d smiled brightly and handed Sophie the keys to the most expensive anything she’d ever used as though it were nothing. And Sophie felt nerves bubble anxiously in her stomach. Okay, so we’re going to push the clutch in, switch out of neutral to first, awesome, now feel the clutch catch as you release it- Lucy was saying, Kate cutting across her Now accelerate slow-oop we’ve stalled. Sophie felt panic rise in her chest but Lucy shrugged Well that was bound to happen. Try again. She said gently, and Sophie felt a surge of affection to these women who felt so ridiculously like her family. Kate crunching away loudly, whooping when Sophie did anything right. Penelope calmly navigating them, Lucy giving soft firm guidance. Of course when Sophie hit a curb and they ended up with a flat tyre she felt a little less calm Fuck Lucy, I’m so sorry Sophie said panicking tears pricking at her eyes. And again, Lucy shrugged Soph, it’s a tyre. There’s another one in the boot, not the end of the world. Not even the end of this lesson. And Sophie was definitely not too proud to wrap her in a tight hug. 

The day she got her licence Sophie was thrilled. It felt oddly like her first real accomplishment, something that she’d worked for with the help of her new friends, her family, who clapped and whooped and hollered outside the test center. And then it was time to tell Ben. She really couldn’t say why she hadn’t told him. Why she’d kept it a secret. At first it was that she hadn’t wanted to have to tell him how terrible she was sure to be at it, and then it had just seemed... odd to let him in on it. Like she could surprise him with this little fact about herself. She’d waited until they’d been leaving for his mother’s house to do it. He’d grabbed his car keys and she’d plucked them lightly from his hand, with a kiss on his cheek I’ll drive today. And he’d laughed, a surprised huffing noise Maybe the one of us with a licence should do it hey? Sophie had tutted, pressing her licence into his hand Guess that includes me then. Get in the passenger’s seat Ben. And left him standing in their entrance hall completely stunned.             

[wordsinwinters]

Then Again, Part 26 (Peter Parker x Reader)

Masterlist (with AO3 links)

Total word count: 50,293

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25,

Summary: After an intense argument and a forced-to-share-the-bed situation during their junior year decathlon trip, Peter and the Reader examine their faults and failings. As they attempt to fix their mistakes and improve their friendship, that friendship quickly begins to evolve into something else.

Slow burn fic in which all characters are included and their dynamics explored; multiple character POVs.

Betas: @girl-tips-from-satan and @fanboyswhereare-you

A/N: This isn’t my favorite chapter, but it’s been sitting in my drafts for over a year and I figured if I don’t post it now, I’ll never move on to the next. Additionally, as always, I live for feedback. 😉

Without further ado,

Then Again Part 26:

(Words: 2,825)

The bus ride will probably get boring soon, or at least as long as the girls stay asleep, but even as quiet as it is, it’s almost a perfect morning. Being early (around 6:00, I think?), there’s barely any light except street lamps and car lights, but some of the clouds on the right have caught a pretty bluish purple tinge. It reminds me of that Rainbow Fish book Aunt May used to read to me as a kid. To make it better, the morning air is chilly enough that the driver turned the heaters on low so it’s wrapped-in-a-blanket-while-it-snows warm in here. Although that also might be why, apart from general dirt and old gum, the strongest smell on the bus is salty grease— since the nearest heater is under the seat Flash spilled french fries and chicken nuggets in yesterday. It could be worse, though. I mean, it’s not necessarily a bad smell and the traffic isn’t horrible. It’s not the best, but it could definitely be louder and a lot slower. The field of flowing red tail lights ahead of us is oddly comforting, like a snail-slow pasture of mechanical color. 

All in all, it’s a pretty cozy start for a dreaded five hour bus ride. It’s giving me quiet time to think. So that’s where I’m at. Or should be. I got some stuff organized in my head last night even if I keep getting distracted now. Well, it was more like a couple hours ago, since I wasn’t able to get to sleep for so long after we said goodnight. But anyway, I’m trying to focus. It’s just hard, even with both of them sleeping.

From my and Ned’s spot behind them, watching the girls’ heads gently shake and bump against each other as the bus shudders through potholes is kind of calming. They seem so peaceful from this angle, like two people who’ve never pranked me and Ned to the point we were nearly suspended, or kept us awake and annoyed by asking paradoxical hypothetical questions because they know how Ned and I will argue for days if we don’t agree on an answer, or anything else like that. It’s like finding two mischievous cats sleeping, curled up on a chair. It’s easier to appreciate them when they aren’t causing chaos. But it’s not that hard to appreciate them when they are anyway.

Though Ned and I won’t admit it when they’re fully awake, seeing their heads smack into the seat in front of them each time the bus lurched to a halt at stoplights (during the first ten minutes after they’d fallen asleep) was funnier than it should’ve been. Even knowing then that we wouldn’t mention it later didn’t stop us from exchanging silent laughs when they leaned back up, muttering unintelligible complaints before settling their heads back onto one another. For the last couple stoplights before the highway, at least, we decided to be better friends. We both stood up with one leg on the floor and one knee on our own seat so we could easily hold their foreheads back each time it happened. Again, I wouldn’t admit this out loud, even to Ned, but it’s a little bit funny that Ned was a split second slower than me, so while I kept catching MJ’s head before the stop, he half-smacked Y/N’s forehead, like a really-close-to-the-floor basketball dribble, and made a wincing face each time. A lot of times. But it did stop her from colliding with the seat, and she didn’t wake up or complain. 

As nice as it is with them and almost everyone else sleeping through the dark, quiet first hour of the bus trek back to New York, I am excited for her and MJ to wake up. Whenever that is. I’ve missed them. 

But anyway, I really need to focus. God. I’m not doing a great job of that this morning. Apparently. So I’m focusing now. It’s like Ned said. I need to be honest with myself. 

Okay. 

Alright. 

No distractions. 

I’m going to set myself straight now, before we get back, so I can make a game plan and be more decisive and make less mistakes. Fewer? Yeah, fewer mistakes. She’s told me that half a dozen times this since she read that grammar book last summer. But that’s not important.

If I’m being honest... I think I’ve avoided the real possibility that things could work out between us because it felt too risky. And I make some dumb, impulsive choices. So that’s saying a lot. If she said no, what’s the worst that could happen? May and Ned have been asking me that for months, and it’s been so frustrating. The answer should be obvious. The worst thing wouldn’t be the rejection, it’d be if it made her uncomfortable and she broke off our friendship. Or, even if she stuck around, if our friendship changed and I had to watch her get more and more distant, knowing it was my fault and nothing would ever go back to normal. 

Those were the worst — and, I thought, most probable — possibilities. For months I’ve been certain that if anything changed, everything would, and it’d all go to shit. So I kept dodging it. And dodging her before the trip. But, then, things did change this weekend. Things are changing. We fought, and it was super shitty and awful and a total nightmare fiasco, but we made up. And she seemed almost as relieved as me when we did. Now we even have this pact about spending more time together. I know it’s officially only in the name of friendship, but something’s… different. I feel it, and I think she does too. And it doesn’t seem bad. That’s the craziest part. I mean, she even kissed me last night. On the cheek, but still. “Keep it.” Maybe May’s not ridiculous: she really might feel the same way. 

I’ve been texting her this morning, actually. Aunt May. I had to admit that I’m happy she forced me to do the forehead kiss thing last night. As annoyed as I was that she and Ned ganged up on me like that, I can’t dispute the results. She kissed me! Kind of. (To be fair, she did hit my mouth a little bit even if it was an accident.) At first it made me wonder if she heard any of Ned’s shout-comments before I could turn the t.v. up to cover what he was saying. But I doubt it. Even if she felt the same way, I know her too well to think she wouldn’t freak out more and enough that it’d be noticable. Yeah, no, I’d definitely have been able to tell if she’d heard him saying things like, “Nobody’s saying you have to tell her that you googled the probability of high school sweethearts getting married that time she saved your ass on that Bronte essay, but yeah, Aunt May’s right! Just ask her to come over and either talk to her or do the hair/forehead thing!” Anyway, May’s on board with her coming over a lot this week and next week and giving us some space. So are Ned and MJ. Ned said they agreed on giving us two weeks (starting tomorrow) without them hanging out after school. And who knows, if the dance goes really well, maybe it’ll be normal for us to hang out, just us, without the whole group. Because… well, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. 

I’ll admit, they’re the best friends I could ever have. All three of them. 

And it’s nice to have them all here now, Ned to my left and the girls in front of us. It’s even nicer to be outside of class or the city or crazy study sessions and have had a short breather from all that (despite the shitshow before we smoothed things over and could enjoy it). To be somewhere chill together. Yesterday and today probably feel even better because the last few days, or even weeks… no— months, if I’m being honest— have had me in a kind of less than happy place. But that’s over now. We’re all here and things are finally good. I just wish the girls would wake up, especially since Ned’s back on his phone. Again. 

Yesterday, everybody hung out for most of the afternoon, but being in the whole decathlon group isn’t the same as just being the four of us. Or two. 

Speaking of two— Ned being away during this next week or two is going to make everything so… unfiltered. New. Without his interference and being able to talk to him as often as normal, it’ll mostly just be her and me. Nobody to distract attention or blame stuff on or help me out when I’m doing something dumb (which is often). Like, for example, last night when I maybe let my excitement get the better of me and I might’ve jumped on the bed and thrown a pillow that accidentally broke the lamp on the nightstand. While I don’t really think writing that “Bill Mr. Harrington” note with the school’s address was Ned’s best idea, it helped me not care too much, enough that I didn’t do something dumber like actually tell Mr. Harrington. It might come back to bite us, though. Still, he was genuinely helpful this morning when Flash showed up too. 

While we were hanging out in the girls’ room waiting for them to finish packing, there was a knock on the door. I figured it was Mr. Harrington about to yell at me and Ned for the broken lamp, so I motioned to Ned to shut up and move closer to the head of the bed we were already sitting on where, courtesy of the wall between the bedroom and bathroom, he wouldn’t be able to see us as long as he stayed by the doorway. MJ gave us an odd glance before she got up to answer it. Her annoyed, “What are you doing here?” didn’t immediately disqualify Mr. Harrington, but the sound of Flash’s voice saying, “I, uh, brought you guys some muffins,” made me tense at the first syllable.

“The free muffins they give us for breakfast?”

MJ’s dripping sarcasm nearly made me laugh even though I couldn’t see her, but Y/N turning from her suitcase and walking over to join them killed it still in my throat. 

“Nope,” he said. “They’re fancy muffins from a bakery a few miles away.”

I wanted to roll my eyes out of my skull.

She may not like him, but that doesn’t mean I was wrong about him being into her. What a dumb way to impress someone. “Fancy muffins.”

“Expensive?” MJ asked. Even without seeing her face, I could tell she was giving him the squint death stare. It’s scary to have to respond to that face if you don’t know what the right answer is.

“Yes, especially with the delivery fee,” he said, sounding prepared for the question, “but they’re from a small local place, not a chain, which I figured you guys would appreciate. Actually, I think you’d like the woman who owns it, she was super grouchy and hard to convince.”

“Convince?”

“They don’t normally deliver at 5 in the morning.”

“Oh, so you thought you could just—”

“What kind did you get?” 

That’s one of the things I like about Y/N. She knows how to manage tempers and when to jump in; she has Flash and MJ down to a science. In that moment, though, I wanted MJ to fire her most confrontational questions at him with no mercy.

“Well, they’re all apology muffins—” I heard MJ scoff. Exactly. She gets it. “But I got blueberry, chocolate, obviously, coffee, cranberry orange, maple, I think that one has chicken in it or something, and banana nut.”

Ned and I turned towards each other with silent smirks at the last one. It’s a dumb joke, but under normal circumstances we’d never resist—

“Cool. Since you’ve brought so many, you can come in.”

Sometimes MJ drives me up the wall. This was one of those times. 

I mentally took back my agreement with her scoff.

The three of them came into the room, and for a couple seconds, Flash didn’t see us. The girls were closer to the window than they were to the wall and the bed Ned and I were sitting on, and he didn’t look behind him. Until MJ pointed us out directly.

“You can give them some too,” she said, her expression bordering on smug. “Apology muffins, right?”

Flash froze for a second. I straightened my back. Neither Ned or I said anything.

“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “Of course.”

Surprisingly, he shook his shoulders like a bug just buzzed by his head and walked over, opening a giant rectangle of a box up to us. 

“Take however many you guys want.”

I stared at him, not moving. Nobody flinched. Then I realized he was tapping the side of the box with his thumb. Not in an asshole come on, hurry up way, but in an anxious way. Just as I started to reach toward the box, Y/N asked:

“Why’d you get so many of the coffee ones?”

Flash looked away at just the right second. 

Did I technically cave first by reaching into the box? Yes. But did anyone see? No.

Although, I guess he technically caved by offering us the muffins in the first place. Ha. All the same, I took a blueberry one. 

“They’re my dad’s favorite. I wanted to surprise him, you know? But I can’t even get a hold of.... Um, are your guys’ parents going to pick you up when we get there, or are you actually staying for school?”

“Staying.”

“All of you?” 

He looked around to ask all of us, even me and Ned. We all nodded. When he looked at me, though, his eyes twitched. It’s a face I’ve gotten a lot before. He realized he said parents. 

“You said these are orange cranberry?” Ned asked, pointing. 

Flash nodded. 

“They’re solid, though the banana nut ones are probably the best.”

As I said, under normal circumstances, like if one of the girls had said it, I would’ve laughed right then, but I’m not used to laughing around Flash. Ned, who usually follows that same rule, shook his head and grinned, if a little bit... nervously?

“Hell no!” he said, pretending to be mildly outraged. “I’m not eating banana-bust-a-nut muffins.”

A second surprise: Flash tilted his head and paused, clearly as stunned to be told a joke by Ned as the rest of us were to witness it— and laughed. So did everyone else. It was only for a few seconds, like literally three quick seconds, but for the first time for as long as I can remember, all of us were laughing with Flash. It stopped almost as soon as it started. 

Tension crept back in soon so he left pretty quickly after that with an awkward, “See you guys in a few.” Thank god. 

The girls finished tidying their room and going over the homework that’s due today (which we did last week since we knew we’d never get it done on the trip), before forcing me and Ned into the hallway so Mr. Harrington wouldn’t need to check our room for us and potentially find the broken lamp. 

And then, pretty soon, we ended up on the warm bus, loaded in with everyone else. It seemed like everybody but Ned and I were too quiet and sleepy and squinty to be able to talk much before dozing off or staring blankly out the window or scrolling social media on their phones, the latter two options leading to the first in most cases. At this point, I think Ned, Flash, and I are the only ones still awake. 

I’m going to work at tolerating him. As long as he doesn’t cross any lines with anybody from now on, I won’t bait him either. (Admittedly, I’ve been guilty of that, especially recently.) I mean, his comment about his dad was hard to miss. And even when he said it, it wasn’t a shock. Everyone in our grade at some point has had to listen to Flash’s rambling excuses for his parents ignoring or forgetting to show up for school events. Maybe being a dick is just hereditary for him. Or a family tradition. 

I don’t remember how I got so off track. Where was I before? Oh yeah. Risk. Possibilities. The almost-worst case scenario that turned out not so bad. It’s been a messy weekend with plenty of re-evaluating, but the point is simple: I think I’ve got to give a few new things a try, and I’m excited to have a chance over the next couple weeks.

Next update: God only knows.

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[sylvanfreckles]

Bedridden (Time for Whump, Boys #16)

Someone has a birthday!

This is for @angelfishofthelord, who not only has a birthday today but also keeps asking for stories in the AU where Ellen and Jo survived "Abandon All Hope" and adopt human!Cas in season 9

This is one of those stories

Summary: Castiel tries to comfort Jo when she's injured on a hunt...only to find himself the one comforted.

...

Castiel froze with a wince as a floorboard creaked beneath his feet, betraying his presence to the occupant of the room at the top of the stairs. It was ridiculous, anyway...he was here to deliver a meal to his bedridden friend, not to sneak past her.

“You might as well come in,” Jo called, her voice muffled through the solid wood of the door. “Not like I can get the door right now.”

Carefully, Castiel nudged the door open and wisely held the tray of food in front of him before entering Jo's room. “I brought nachos,” he offered.

“Oh my god,” Jo groaned. She dropped the paperback novel she'd been reading face down on her bedside table and held her hands out, making grasping motions with her fingers. “Quick, get in here before Mom sees.”

“It was suggested that you might like extra cheese and tomatoes,” Castiel said as he carefully unfolded the tray's legs so it could rest on the bed on either side of Jo's hips.

“Hey, I'll take pulled pork and sauerkraut as long as it's not more oatmeal and chicken broth,” Jo retorted. She was already levering up a chip to cram into her mouth, her other hand cupped close to her chest to catch the dripping cheese. “This is amazing,” she moaned around a mouthful of cheese.

Castiel couldn't help but smile as he gently straightened out the blankets across Jo's legs. Her right leg was wrapped in a heavy cast from just above her knee to the tip of her toes, and even her enthusiasticenjoyment of the nachos couldn't distract from the bandages around her wrists and throat.

Ellen said it was all right. Jo was hurt but they'd made it in time. She'd be okay. Life was all that mattered.

He knew this wouldn't have happened if he'd still been an angel.

“Hey,” Jo's voice pulled him out of his dark thoughts. She was staring at him, eyebrows raised until they all but vanished beneath her bangs. “You really making me eat this whole plate by myself?”

Castiel hesitated for a moment. He needed to eat now, of course—although it was growing tiresome. But there were plenty of simple, inexpensive foods in the kitchen downstairs...leftovers, even, that would go to waste. No use intruding on his friend's convalescence any further when he would be of no use to her.

“I mean it,” Jo said. Her gaze was intense, her eyes suddenly hard to meet. “Get your ass up here and eat some of these before Mom takes 'em away.”

Slowly, carefully, he sat on the very edge of the bed, head down to study his hands in his lap.

“Hey.”

He twisted to look at the young woman. Jo was holding out a nacho, the cheese threatening to overrun her fingers. “Eat it,” she insisted.

He took the chip from her and solemnly took a bite. She huffed out a laugh and returned to the plate. “Come on, man. I could really use the company.”

The nacho reminded him just a little of the Gas-N-Sip. Though the cheese Ellen kept in the kitchen was of a much higher quality than that in the gas station, there was still that combination of the crisp saltiness of the chip and the smoothness of the cheese that he remembered.

“How are these so good?” Jo demanded around another mouthful of cheese. “You have to tell me your secrets.”

Pleased, Castiel edged further back on the bed, until he was sitting against the headboard, bent knee rested on the bed to keep his shoes off the blankets. The least he could do was keep Jo company, after all. “You need to layer the chips and cheese,” he informed her. “Otherwise you end up with a hot mess on top and dry crumbs on the bottom.”

Jo let out an alarming snort and clamped one hand over her mouth. Castiel leaned close and rested a hand on her back. “Jo? Are you all right?”

She waved her free hand, coughing. “Promise me you'll never say that again.”

Castiel leaned back, frowning a little in confusion. “All right....” He'd only been repeating what Brandon had always said. The Gas-N-Sip night supervisor (Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday—but not Friday because he was a freelance DJ) had always waxed eloquent on the best ways to prepare the leftover food. Nora didn't care if they ate it, since it had to be thrown out anyway, as long as everything was properly recorded.

“Hey,” Jo elbowed him in the arm and gestured at the two cans resting on the far side of the tray. “What's this?”

“This is, ah,” Castiel picked up one of the cans and held it between his hands, focusing on the label. “BuckSnort root beer.” He didn't need to look to know Jo was staring at him. When he glanced over she just looked from his face to the can of root beer and raised her eyebrows. Castiel sighed.

“You can only find it in Idaho. It's a small batch soda company. Nora bought...she got some for the store but couldn't make an arrangement to carry it, so she gave us the leftover stock.”

“So how does fancy, handmade root beer from Idaho make it all the way here?” Jo asked. She was licking nacho cheese off her fingers, despite the pile of napkins Castiel had left on the tray.

Castiel tried to pull himself out of his memories. His time at the Gas-N-Sip hadn't always been pleasant, but Nora had let him keep the leftover half of that case of root beer. Small kindnesses like that always left him in awe of humanity. “Ellen ordered it. I thought you might like the taste.”

“Oh, no,” Jo shook her head. “Mom must've ordered that for you. You keep it.”

He hesitated for a moment, then leaned over to pull another chip off of her plate. “Are you really making me drink that entire case by myself?”

Jo let out a laughed and picked up her own can. “Fine, you win. Fancy, handmade root beer for everyone!” She held her can out toward him, and he gently touched it with his own.

He popped the top on his can and waited while Jo tasted hers. She took a sip, held the can out at arm's length to study the label, then took a longer drink. “This is...”

“Wintergreen, sassafrass, and licorice,” Castiel explained before drinking from his own can. The carbonation fizzed at his nose and the inside of his mouth, but in an oddly refreshing way.

“It's incredible.” Jo set her can down on her tray and reached over to rest a hand on Castiel's knee. “Thanks, Cas. You have no idea how much I needed this.”

Embarrassment was...odd. It was almost like shame, but tinged with something close to pleasure. It made heat run up the back of his neck to his ears, and he suddenly found himself unwilling to look up from the soda can cradled between his hands.

Jo gave his knee a squeeze before she pulled away to cram another nacho in her mouth. “Oh! I know! It's Thursday, right?”

Castiel squinted up at her, but she was already turned away from him to rustle through the drawer of her bedside table. “That's important?”

She turned back, triumphant, brandishing a TV remote. “Thursday's my favorite day,” she explained with a wink.

The heat was spreading from his ears to his cheeks and he dropped his gaze. Jo let out a teasing laugh and tipped toward him until she could bump him with her shoulder. “The game show channel plays old Jeopardyepisodes all day on Thursdays.”

Castiel stared up at the TV mounted on the wall opposite Jo's bed. Two men and a woman were standing behind podiums, and a third man seemed to be asking them questions. Or answering them, maybe?

The woman's podium lit up. “Who is Babe Didrikson?”

The third man congratulated her on a correct answer...question...and told her to select again. “I don't understand,” Castiel murmured, shifting to get closer to Jo. “Are they answering questions or asking them?”

“It's backward,” Jo explained, mouth full of more nachos. The plate was more than half empty by now, and Castiel felt a spike of guilt when he noticed a smear of cheese on top of Jo's blanket. “The questions you get are more like statements, and you have to make your answer sound like a question.”

Castiel stared up at the TV. One of the men was giving a non-answer now. “Why is he asking what baseball is?”

“The question was about a book about baseball,” Jo gestured at the TV with one hand while she took a long drink from her root beer with the other. “I never got the whole answer-with-a-question thing either, but it's fun to try to play along. Oh, they're doing proverbs now, I bet you'd be good at that.”

“Do this 'in haste and repeat at leisure',” the host was saying.

Castiel frowned. “Marry?”

“You got it!” Jo cheered, elbowing his arm, while the host was explaining the answer. “Look, that Rick guy didn't know it.”

He studied the game again, barely noticing when Jo tried to shove a nacho into his face. “Feather by feather. The goose is plucked feather by feather.” He took the chip out of her hand and ate it solemnly as the contestant chose the next answer-question.

“In the rhyming proverb, 'what can't be' this 'must be endured'.”

“Cured!” Jo pointed at the TV. “Mom says that all the time. 'What can't be cured must be endured'. And I've got the cast to prove it.”

Almost unconsciously, Castiel glanced down at the hard lump that was Jo's broken leg. Close enough to touch...but he had no power to heal. Not anymore. “Jo, I...”

“Hey,” Jo interrupted, holding her can of root beer out toward him again. “To endurance.”

He let himself smile, tapping his own can against hers. The strength of Jo's spirit was almost magnetic, pulling him back out of his own self-doubts and despair. He'd set out to comfort her...but it seemed like he was the one being comforted.

“To endurance.”

...

(BuckSnort is an actual Idaho-only brand of root beer. I haven't tried it, I just googled it.)

(This is part of the Whumptober 2018 prompts, you can read them here)

[ruzek-halstead]

found

part two

pairing: jay halstead x hailey upton

while chasing a lead on their homicide investigation, jay & hailey find an abandoned baby on christmas eve. as to not have the baby spend it’s first christmas at family services, it’s up to jay & hailey, with a little help from will & the rest of the team to take care of it.

“jay, you’d make a really hot dad.”

(inspired by ncis episode)

part one || part three || masterlist

warnings: swearing, fluffery

hailey had promised kim and vanessa that she would stop by the district to introduce them to baby alvin. they also needed to go by anyway to sign the paperwork in order to transfer the case to homicide.

in all honesty, it was a struggle to set up the car seat in jay’s truck. mostly because neither of them had ever done it before and never expected to so soon. it also didn’t help that it was december 24th and absolutely freezing outside. it ended with jay, frustrated out of his mind and hailey, googling the proper technique on how to do it. eventually they got it, but jay still frowned the whole drive over.

they hardly made it up the stairs before trudy stopped them.

“what is that and what is it doing in my district?” trudy frowned, staring at the car seat jay was carrying.

he made his way to her desk and plopped the seat on it. her frown deepened.

“what are you doing, chuckles?”

it was jay’s turn to frown, but hailey was loving it.

“chuckles? oh, i’m definitely stealing that,” hailey laughed, gently nudging baby alvin’s foot. he giggled and it was the most adorable thing.

even trudy cracked the tiniest smile. “voight mentioned something about this,” she motioned to baby alvin, “but he didn’t say it would be in my district.”

“we just have to finish off some paperwork,” hailey replied, “it’s not a problem, is it?”

trudy sent her a real, genuine smile. “of course not, hailey. let me know if you need anything.”

with that, she placed her glasses back on her face and went back to her computer. jay grabbed the car seat again and trailed hailey up the stairs, all the while looking confused.

“what the hell? why is she so nice to you?” jay mumbled disappointedly.

hailey merely smirked.

“oh. my. god!” before they even finished their trek up to the bullpen, vanessa was waiting expectantly at the stairs. “jay, hurry up, i want to see the baby!”

jay frowned. “why is everyone being so mean to me today?”

“we already have one baby to take care of, jay,” hailey mocked and jay’s mouth dropped at her audacity. he’d heard sassy hailey (many times) but let’s be honest, she usually coddled his feelings. she didn’t this time, and even though jay was offended, he found it extremely attractive.

kim and vanessa waste no time in stealing the baby away from jay, so he walked to his desk and focused on his essential paperwork.

“oh my god, he is so precious!” kim cooed, tickling baby alvin’s stomach.

adam came stumbling out of the breakroom. “is the baby here?” he exclaimed, rushing over with an expression of pure excitement. it had been quite an uneventful morning for the rest of the unit so when adam heard that his friends found a baby, he was understandably excited.

“he is so adorable,” vanessa added, staring at the baby and looking like the epitome of the heart eyes emoji.

“voight put you in charge?” adam voiced his question in jay’s direction, where he was signing a few forms. jay looked up and shot a glare at the judgement in adam’s voice. “sorry man,” adam stifled a laugh, “but do you even have anything in your fridge?”

jay threw his arms up in exasperation. “is today pick on jay day or something?”

“don’t be dramatic,” adam rolled his eyes, unbuckling alvin from his seat to pick him up. “i’ve seen your apartment many times.”

jay mumbled some profanities under his breath.

“have you guys given this little guy a name yet?” kim asked, playing with alvin’s fingers.

hailey and jay shared a secretive look before hailey revealed softly, “we decided to name him alvin.”

“i love that,” kim replied warmly; adam smiled so wide, his cheeks burned. vanessa obviously never got the chance to meet alvin olinsky, but she’d heard nothing but great things about the man. she’s positive it’s a great honour to be named after him.

“so, what’s next for you two?” adam asked, bouncing the baby as he walked around the bullpen.

hailey and jay shared another look; this time, jay looked slightly terrified, while hailey looked nauseous. “well, voight says we’re in charge until we find the mother. so, ruzek, any progress on that?” hailey questioned him with hopeful eyes.

“sorry to disappoint, hails,” adam replied, though he doesn’t look that sad; mostly just amused at the night his friends have laid out for them. “i’m very saddened to report i haven’t found anyone; not even a distant family member. “

hailey rolled her eyes. “you don’t look sad at all.”

“no, truly, i’m very torn up,” his right eyelid dropped in a wink. “i’ll keep looking though.”

kim rolled her eyes at her ex-boyfriend’s antics. “don’t worry, i’ll help. i’m sure we can find something.”

“in the meantime, you guys are probably good to head out now,” vanessa added, staring lovingly at baby alvin. “voight was just waiting on you guys to sign over the paperwork so we could all go home.”

jay looked up expectantly, with a large, nervous smile. “you guys are all coming over, right?”

“sorry! i’m spending the holidays with some friends and i’m leaving right after work,” vanessa replied apologetically. she busied herself with grabbing her coat and organizing her desk.

jay’s hopeful eyes flitted to adam and kim.

“i have to go visit my sister before she leaves for the holidays,” kim responded with an apologetic frown. “adam is going to his sister’s too, right?”

adam nodded his head, strapping baby alvin back into his seat. his bouncing of the baby had relaxed him so much, he was now snoozing away. “yeah, sorry. i’ll stay a bit longer to see what else i can dig up, but i have to leave tonight.”

“it’s fine,” jay frowned, “i’ll remember this next time any of you need my help.”

adam rolled his eyes. “okay, honey,” he mocked, “now, can you take the kids home and start dinner or am i the only one who does anything in this house?”

“i hate you.”

🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣

before hailey and jay left the district, kevin had come back from the store with a number of baby essentials they might need. he was sent by voight, who figured jay and hailey, would have no idea what they even needed, but kevin had experience with caring for little ones, so he was perfect for the job.

the two partners trudged their way through the chicago winter and to jay’s apartment

he won’t lie; he was nervous as hell, but hailey looked so calm and it genuinely comforted him. will had texted and promised he would bring some extra baby gear, so in the meantime, they kept the baby in his car seat to be safe.

“i’m going to make him a bottle, he’s probably hungry by now,” hailey said before she makes herself at home in his kitchen. they don’t spend much time in jay’s apartment; if anything, they usually grab a drink at her place, but she felt oddly at ease in his kitchen.

jay loved it.

it felt oddly intimate; but this was happening, and he just had to roll with it.

for the first time today, since being charged with baby duty, hailey actually felt confident in what she’s doing. she’s had to make bottles for her nephews before, so this wasn’t new. however, being in jay’s apartment with him felt new and a little too real, but he was acting casual so she’d be damned if she didn’t do the same.

while hailey tested out the temperature of the bottle, jay busied himself with grabbing blankets and pillows from his linen closet (he would never actually call it that, but will gifted him so many blankets, he needed to store them somewhere). he also turned on his netflix and started some old episodes of the office (it was his go-to show whenever he needed some background noise), and he knew hailey loved it.

he watched as hailey took baby alvin out of his seat and started feeding him.

“wow, you’re really good at this,” he divulged dumbly. he wanted to roll his eyes at himself because it was such a stupid thing to say.

she laughed. “yeah, this part was never so hard.”

he watched for a little longer before sighing. “are we totally in over our heads?”

“oh definitely,” she replied quickly, surprising him with her brutal honesty. “i’m positive one of us will end up crying before the sun comes up again.”

jay stared at her, but she doesn’t even look up from baby alvin.

“wait, are you serious?”

she doesn’t get the chance to reply (she was definitely going to tease him some more because his expressions are priceless) because the door opened and in walked their favourite redhead. his hands are full with a simple playpen and (oh, surprise) more blankets.

“will, for the love of god, stop bringing me blankets!” jay groaned, holding his arms out to grab them but will threw them at his face instead. “i have a closet full of them, dude.”

will rolled his eyes and placed everything else he brought hidden away in the corner. “you know, one day the power will go out or the heater will fail and you’ll be freezing, but you’ll have all my blankets to keep you warm,” he explained his brother with a self-satisfied smirk. “i can’t wait for that day; i will never let you live it down.”

jay mumbled something about will being a drama queen under his breath.

“so, how are you two kids holding up?” will asked, his eyes flickering between the both of them with a cheeky smirk.

jay shrugged his shoulders; honestly, he doesn’t feel as if he’s done much except carry the car seat around everywhere. “so far, so good. it hasn’t been that bad at all.”

will laughed for a solid minute.

“you two are absolutely adorable,” he’s still laughing, “this night is going to be fantastic.”

jay knew will was trying to intentionally freak him out; he knew this. but he also knew, it was absolutely working.

“i am sorry though,” will added, capturing jay’s attention. “i really only came to drop this stuff off. i forgot i had to be at nat’s tonight.”

jay started internally panicking. “what? you’re leaving?”

he noticed hailey smirking at him.

“isn’t nat like a baby doctor or something?” jay rambled nervously. he was beginning to feel slightly terrified at the prospect of caring for a tiny human being; so much could go wrong. “yeah, she is. she can come over too!”

will laughed at his brother’s misery. “sorry, bro. it’s a family thing and it’s christmas eve; we can’t miss it.”

“okay, fine,” he relented against his will. “just keep your phone on you.”

will smirked again. “you’re terrified, aren’t you?”

“absolutely.”

jay was done trying to hide it.

“hailey, you’re in charge,” will called out on his way to the door. “i’m sure it’ll be fine, but call me if you guys need anything! merry christmas!”

and then wills left, and dread started to pool in jay’s gut.

hailey was done feeding baby alvin and was now bouncing the baby against her shoulder (to make sure he burps, she explained). honestly, jay was learning so much.

“want to give it a try?” hailey asked, moving closer to jay and he froze.

he hadn’t held the baby outside of the car seat since they found him and he’s absolutely terrified to.

“come on, you’ll be fine.”

hailey left him with no choice when she transferred the baby into his arms. he nervously mimicked what hailey was previously doing, and prayed he didn’t accidentally break the baby.

“you’re doing great!” hailey encouraged as she cheered adorably. she also pulled out her phone and pointed it in his direction. “sorry, i have to document this. you guys look so cute together.”

jay let her because he couldn’t really stop her (he knew she was taking photos to send to the intelligence unit’s group chat, but they’d been teasing him all day, so who even cares anymore?).

jay finally heard the tell-tale sign of baby alvin’s burp and he felt slightly more relieved. hailey told him to keep doing what he’s doing until alvin falls asleep, and hopefully that would be it for the night (she was definitely wrong, but we’ll get to that later).

as hailey cleaned up her mess in jay’s kitchen, she also checked her phone to see the reactions in their group chat.

cpd assholes

adam ruzek: dilf… not even sorry

vanessa rojas: this is the cutest thing i’ve seen since atwater and the puppies

kim burgess: why does jay’s face look like that. he looks like he’s about to throw up

kevin atwater: more pictures please upton

she was quietly laughing to herself, even more so because jay was too busy to check his phone. it was probably for the best, to be honest. her phone buzzed once more and she saw it was a text from adam, sent to her and jay.

adam ruzek: bad news friends... finally found the mother but she’s deceased. looped in voight and he talked to family services and convinced them to let you guys stay with alvin until the 26th

adam ruzek: merry christmas bitches!!!!

adam ruzek: btw, jay you’d make a really hot dad. love u bro

in the meantime, jay had finally set baby alvin back in his seat as he slept, and checked his phone. “hope you don’t have any christmas plans,” jay began, sending her a small smile, “because it looks like you’re stuck with us.”

🐣

part three coming soon!!

also, “cpd assholes” is their group chat name bc that’s what i came up with at 1:30am, so let me know if you guys have better options 😂

🐣 bonus 🐣

[multifandomhaven]

Pairing: Lalo Salamanca x reader Word count: 1.7k A/N: So my love for Lalo has suddenly slapped me in the face and I can’t get enough of him. I couldn’t find any Lalo x reader fics so I decided to let my mind run wild with this one. I figure he’d be a flirty guy bc have you seen this man? He oozes charm and his mouth never stops, so it’s pretty much a given.

Also, I speak zero Spanish and used Google Translate for this, so please don’t hold the translations against me if they’re wrong.

The woman watched as the children mingled among the elderly - boys running amok while the girls spoke with the older ladies about their snowy hair and the rings on their fingers. It was controlled chaos - they were, of course, under the watchful eye of the staff, but it was chaos all the same.

She was kept constantly on her toes. Just as she finished ushering a group of children out of the cafeteria she noticed a few of the students approaching a man in a wheelchair. She watched for signs of discomfort on his face, knowing that kids weren't some people's cup of tea, and found that and more when she saw his eyes. They were hard and he seemed like he didn't want to be a part of the rambunctious activity, so she stepped over to the children crowding around him and quickly directed them elsewhere.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, her smile genuine as she spoke to him, "I'll try to reign them in."

He hardly moved, his eyes scanned her as they sat there in what she felt like was a standoff, but she could tell by the breath that heaved out of him that he wasn't pleased. His lips twitched and she waited for him to say something, but he only continued to stare. He moved his arm only slightly - almost undetectable -until his finger hovered over what looked to be a bell that had been tied onto the arm of his chair by a string. The digit shook for a moment before he flicked his wrist and a shrill ding echoed throughout the room.

Some of the children looked around for the sound while others ignored it completely. The teacher, not knowing what the sound might be indicating just gave him another quick apology and scurried away, snapping gently at one of the children as they reach for an elder gentlemen's glasses, eager to try them on.

"No," she reprimanded him, pointing her finger so that he'd understand she was speaking to him. "We don't need to be sharing personal belongings with these nice people, okay?"

Sneaking in a quick moment she leaned against the wall and sighed heavily - pleased that this was one of the last field trips of the year. She didn't know if she could handle many more with this group - as sweet as they were they were also just as rambunctious. She pushed off the wall and herded the group of tiny humans onto the stage to perform the song they'd been practicing for weeks.

They settled on the stage, the teacher in the middle and the children surrounding her in a circle.

The residents gathered around, eager to hear what they'd prepared - even the wheelchair bound man watched them from his corner of the room. Glancing up, the teacher looked in his direction and was mildly surprised to see another man with him, younger, but older than her still. He spoke to the man with the bell in hushed whispers, his words shared between only them, before his eyes, too, were upon the stage.

The new man's inky gaze found her own and she held it as he made himself comfortable in his chair, sitting back like he owed the place, legs spread and one elbow propped up onto the table, his eyes shining with interest. His free hand ran through his dark hair before he raised his chin to her in acknowledgement.

Tearing her concentration away the woman cleared her throat and then quietly started their count - the agreed upon count of three - and then strummed the guitar in her lap.

The children watched her, mesmerized as always when the notes came together, blending into the beloved song. She'd strummed through the beginning once and when one had began to sing the woman took it upon herself to get them started. She opened her mouth, the words dancing from her tongue as easily as she breathed. Her voice was soft, and suddenly all eyes were on her.

"I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you And I think to myself what a wonderful world"

She glanced around at the children, her bright smile encouraging some of them to join in. Some began to sway while they sang and in just a few moments they'd finally found harmony. Their voices melded together into something beautiful, bringing a tear to many of the resident's eyes. Most of the watched, their hands clasped together in happiness, while some of the others locked hands and swayed gently to the tune.

Almost as soon as it began, the song was over.

The class stood up, locked hands and gave a small bow. They waved and made their way to the door, the teacher checking her list as they passed her one by one to gather on the school bus. Once she was sure she had everyone marked she glanced back inside the double doors and caught the mysterious man's eyes once again. She could feel the weight of his stare even before she turned, and she gave him a small wave.

He returned it with a great smile - his teeth even whiter against the mustache on his lip.

The entire ride back to school she thought of the dark eyed man's stare - his predatory gaze and his grin that was so big it looked like it hurt. She was an independent woman, she was strong and she knew that she should be above such juvenile thoughts, but she couldn't help but blush when she thought of his demeanor. He was shockingly confident, even they way he sat was like he was offering a challenge to the world around him, his shoulders were back and his held held high. His interesting choice in shirts was also something she'd picked up on quickly - she hadn't met many men that wore what looked like such a delicate fabric - not to mention the dizzying design printed on it.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts and went about her day - her mind drifting from the man back to her work.

Until a few days later in a restaurant on the other side of town.

Work had drained her and instead of preparing her own meal she'd decided to stop by and get a quick meal - El Michoacáno was on her route home and she was suddenly hungry for some Mexican cuisine, so she pulled into the parking lot and stepped out. She straightened her shirt and smoothed down her hair before she grabbed her purse and went inside.

Upbeat music blared overhead and the smell of spices and the sizzling sound of the grill was nearly enough for her to begin to salivate. Her eyes were glued to the menu ahead and she stepped forward.

The man behind the counter greeted her quickly and she ordered back just as fast - the number six looked amazing. She reach into her purse and fished for her wallet when suddenly there was a warm hand on her arm.

"Please," a happy voice came from beside her. "Allow me."

She glanced over and was once again met with a blinding grin from the man at the retirement home. He wagged his eyebrow at her once and then reach some money over the counter. He leaned against it, looking down at her with the same curiosity he had watched her with only a few days earlier.

"You're the teacher that performed at Casa Tranquila , no?"

The woman bit back a grin. "That's right. And you're the guy with the colorful shirts."

A chuckle tore out of his throat. "Si, si. I enjoy this particular pattern," he motioned to the floral design that decorated his chest. "I've got to admit, senorita, you've been on my mind for the last few days."

"Oh?" She grinned, looking down at the flowy white shirt and then down to her simple blue jeans. "The lack of color in my wardrobe keeping you up at night?"

"No, no, no," he smiled. "Your clothes suit you. It would be a crime for you to wear such a thing."

She raised a brow and joked, "so you've claimed all patterns then?"

"You misunderstand." He raised his hand and motioned to her face. "Why try to take the attention away from such a beautiful face?"

It was like a fire was lit beneath her - her cheeks burned, all the way to the tips of her ears, and she found herself tucking her hair back - something she hadn't done since middle school. She inwardly cursed her actions, but was able to mumble out a quick, "thank you."

"No, what I've been thinking about is your song," he told her. 

She laughed and grabbed her order when the man behind the counter held it out to her. She gave him a quick thank you and turned back to the man still leaning against the counter. "The kids love it, too. It's a classic."

"Si," he agreed once again. "Forgive my manners, señorita, I haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Eduardo, but you can call me Lalo."

"Lalo," she repeated. "I've got to admit it's better than calling you shirt guy."

He chuckled again, his eyes never leaving her. "You're a peculiar woman."

"So I've been told," she admitted. She held her free hand out to him, offering a proper handshake. "I'm Y/N."

"Y/N," Lalo said, taking her hand in his own. His hand was large, warm and oddly smooth. Her name rolled off his tongue like honey and she had to fight the tingle that shot down her spine, sending heat straight to her belly. "And now I don't have to call you Profesora de canto."

"I guess not," she agreed. She glanced down to the food in her hand. "Thanks again for the food."

He shrugged. "Of course."

"Maybe sometime I can pay you back," she offered slyly.

Lalo grinned, this time brightest of all. "I'll hold you to it."

*Profesora de canto - singing teacher (again, this is according to Google Translate)

[yamithediaperdork]

Worlds fastest Little and a Super caretaker

Bart was willing to do many things for his friends, Help them out in epic battles, babysit (though most people only made the mistake of letting him baby sit once), Run errands at super speed but today Bart Allen, the fastest boy alive was going to go about and beyond in the favor he was going to do for his second best friend.

Because today he was going to let Kon diaper and baby him.

The urge to baby and look after a little guy was a left over from Kon's time spent in Gem world. After posing as and to some extent becoming the husband to Lophi and father to her son little Lon. Rao knows Kon had tried to just work his feeling out looking after little ones at a daycare job Kal had set him up with but it wasn't enough and he knew there was NO way in hell he'd be able to adopt.

That left finding a little (Something Kon hadn't even known had existed till a little google search) or someone close to one who could be trusted to keep his mouth shut.

Considering all of his options, it naturally came to him that Bart would fit the role perfectly.

'Now the only question is will I be able to keep up with a speed forced charged big toddler.'

Bart arrived five minutes late from when he was suppose to arrive having gotten distracted by a new arcade in town though he lied and said it was a intergang attack. Since he was doing Kon such a big solid Kon decided not to call Bart out on his bullshit excuse and just led him to the bathroom instead.

"Sooo why are we coming in here? I thought I was gonna be going in diapers? Or a training potty. Oh, Do you just want me to wear?" Bart asked, going a million miles a minute like always as Kon just chuckled.

"Bart, when was the last time you took a bath or had a shower?" Kon asked reasonably, starting to run a tub.

"I didn't come here to have my personal hygiene attacked!" Bart huffed and pouted, crossing his arms and glaring.

"Bart, Daddies give their their little ones baths and you smell like you need one." Kon said chuckling.

Bart went to argue then held up a arm and sniffed a pit and made a face at the smell.

"I say we agree to disagree but I'll humor you and let you give me a bath.. if I can play with some bath toys." Bart said, striping down at super speed and having spotted a few toy boats.

Since Kon was going to be diapering him anyways the smaller boy didn't bother to cover up and Kon wasn't shocked that he was devoid of any chest hair or pubic.

"I suppose that can be arranged, but I need to wash you first so g-" Kon started and then was hit with a splash of water as Bart jumped into the tub, shocking him. "-et the tub.. I'm starting to see this is going to be a little different from looking after Lon." Kon sighed, dabbing his face with a towel as Bart giggled impishly.

Bart giggled as he let Kon go to work washing him. Normally he considered Showers and baths a semi waste of time because of how slow they were but having someone else do all the work was actually kinda fun.

After having his hair and body washed Bart was left to coo and play with the boats and a rubber ducky as Kon cleaned up the water Bart had displaced and then went to change into dry clothes.

Oddly the more he played in the tub the more he started to wonder how the ducky would taste and kept stealing glances at the door, not sure how Kon would react if he came back to Bart popping the toy in his mouth.

Deciding to risk it Bart tugged the shower curtain semi closed, and then nommed on the head of the rubber ducky, and giggled, having his mouth stuffed and acting so babyish was bringing flash backs of sucking on a paci and sitting in his parents laps while they watched holo shows. He was enjoying it so much he just closed his eyes and chewed (making sure not to chew too hard) and lost himself in the feeling.

So much so it wasn't until he felt the water getting warmer he realized that apparently he had relaxed a little too much, he was peeing in the tub!

"Ah! Kon!" he yelped, spitting out the rubber ducky and pulling the curtain back. "I-I had a accident!"

Kon had been not only getting changed but setting up the cloth diapers for Bart, making sure he could get the little guy right into the diapies when he heard the cry and dashed into the bathroom.

he might not of been as fast as Bart but he could still hit a pretty nice burst of speed and was picturing the worse. he figured Bart had gotten hurt trying to get out, or had cut himself or something else, cursing himself for leaving the little guy all alone only to get in and see the once clear bath water now had a tell tale yellowish twinge to it, and his super sense confirmed that Bart not only had peed in the tub, but needed to drink more fluids.

The fastest boy alive was standing up in the tub, blushing badly and his bottom lip was trembling.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't mean to it just came out an-" Bart was saying rapidly, sounding like a over sized toddler.

"heh, it's ok little man. I know you can't control it. I should of sat you on the potty first. At least you didn't make any 'torpedo's' in the tub." Kon said tugging the plug out of the tub and then making use of the removable shower head to re-wash Bart down.

Bart whined at the torpedo's comment but just shushed up and let Kon re-clean him then get him out of the tub, drying him off with a soft and fluffy towel.

"Speaking of stinkies though, I only have so many diapers and we wanna make it last before I have to wash any to change you..so did you wanna sit on the potty and try to go boom boom like a big kid?" Kon asked.

"I can go potty like a big kid!" Bart whined and huffed, his tone taking on a fussy toddler twinge. "And I KNOW I don't hafa uh-oh!"

"mmmhmmm..Of course you know when you have to go." Kon said, smirking and using a condescending tone. "Alright, if your SURE you don't need to sit, let's go get a diapie on you widdle guy." Kon coo'ed.

Bart was huffing and pouting as he padded along, Thinking about just how much of a meanie butt Kon was being when he was trying to be a good friend, even though as they got to the bedroom he could feel his tummy churning a little.

It was too late now though to say he needed to potty so he just convinced himself he could hold it for a little while.

"uh Kon..you know that there are disposable diapers on earth right?" he asked, even as he dropped the towel and plopped his butt on the thick white terrycloth diapers, nothing it was pre-powdered.

"heh, yeahhh but I'm used to cloth, and this is just cuter. plus I got you some adorable plastic pants." Kon chuckled, holding up a light base colored pair with rainbow sprinkles and teddy bears in diapers all over it.

Looking them over, Bart's face went shocked to curious while Kon swallowed, looking unsure/hopeful that Bart would like them.

As squeal escaped from Bart's mouth and he went all sparkle eyes, cooing and reaching up to hold them.

"They're so cuttttttte!" the worlds fastest little in the making gushed.

"heh, Glad you approve. they cost a pretty penny but figured you were worth it!" Kon said as Bart giggled and hugged the plastic pants, holding up and looking at them again then hugging them over and over. "uhhh buddy..I'm gonna need those back."

"...Pin my diapies up first." Bart said, giving a toothy grin.

"So clearly I'm gonna need to get you lots of teddies if we're gonna keep doing this huh?" Kon asked, tugging the cloth up and with expert ease getting the pins in and making sure the diapers were nice and tight.

Bart coo'ed and squeezed his thighs together, finding he couldn't get his legs to touch Kon had gone so thick but also finding he didn't mind at all, letting out a muffled poot and getting a raised eyebrow from Kon.

"Heh, you SURE you don't wanna go sit on the potty little man?" Kon asked, holding out his hand for the plastic pants.

"I'm good!" Bart giggled and gave the teddy bear plastic undies one last hug then handed them over.

Bart wasn't actually sure if Kon was gonna be able to slide the plastic pants over his puffy diapers, but though determination and the used of super steaght the deed was done, and Bart sat up on the bed and went to zip over to the mirror and see how he looked.

went, but didn't because the thickness though off the speedster and 4 steps in he ended up plopping on his butt, a adorable surprised look on his face as Kon chuckled and gushed.

"Awww! Babies first steps! wanna try again little man? I can help you if need me too." Kon coo'ed, coming over and leaning down holding out his hands.

Bart almost took the offer up, but then giggled and rolled over onto all fours, and showed that even reduced to crawling he was a quick widdle guy.

Honestly the sight of Bart crawling around in JUST his diapie and getting over to the mirror and coo'ing and giggling at how he looked was just too adorable, and if it hadn't of been for the agreement of no pictures Kon would of used up half a memory card already. he almost just let Bart keep posing in front of the mirror but they did only have SO long they could do this before Bart would have to go home, so he cleared his throat as he picked up a t-shirt he had a sneaking suspicion Bart was going to lover.. since it shared the same color and designs as the plastic pants.

"You don't mind if I finish getting you dressed do you?" Kon asked, a big grin on his face.

Bart turned to whine that this was good, then spotted the shirt and zipped over so fast Kon barely moved to the side in time to avoid being balled over and then Bart was on his knees reaching up and trying to grab the shirt.

"I want! I want!" he whined as Kon lifted it out of his reach.

"ah ah ah, Let me dress you little one..arm's up." Kon said.

Bart looked like he was gonna argue for a second (Kon figured he just wanted to hug the t-shirt like he had the pants) but then stuck his arms up in the air like a good little boy.

Sliding the t-shirt down and adjusting it, Kon wasn't really shocked when Bart crawled back over to the mirror to look at how cute he looked and giggle like a mad man.

His only regret in the whole thing was that originally it had been a teddy bear onesie Bart was meant to wear, but the company he had ordered from had messed up and there hadn't been time to fix the order. That and the company had forgotten to send the pacifiers Kon had ordered but at least his next order was going to be half off because of the mix ups.

'Oh well, always next time. sometime tells me I'm not gonna have a hard time convincing him to come back.' Kon thought.

Bart coo'ed and giggled and in a move that made Kon's heart melt, leaned in and kissed his reflection, something Kon had seen other toddlers do.

Moving from the bedroom Bart's tummy was rumbling lots though Kon had given up on asking him to use the potty, which was good because he didn't wanna lose any his new favorite outfit.

'Besides, I'm just hamming it up for Kon..I'm not really a widdle diaper boy..even if i am super duper kewt.' Bart thought, though he knew he was lying to himself.

there was no way he wasn't coming over and getting babied like at least ONCE a week from now on!

Sitting on a blanket on the floor he studied the baby toys Kon had gotten him, he was used to the toys of his time period and these were actually more fun to play with, though he kept nom'ing on some of the more brightly colored toys.

"Remind me to get you a teeth ring before next time." Kon chuckled, patting Bart's head.

"..That's a thing!? I want that!" Bart said excitedly.

"You sit here like a good boy while I go and make you a ba-ba, I don't want you getting all dehydrated." Kon chuckled, clearly not shocked by Bart's response.

"ok..but then a teething ring? Pleassssse?" Bart whined and tried the puppy dog eyes on his new semi daddy.

"Not today buddy. at least not right now." Kon said.

"Whyyyyyy?!" Bart whined and huffed

"Because you'd have to go shopping in your little outfit and it's mid day. Didn't think you'd wanna make this public." Kon pointed out and a muffled fart escaped as Bart blushed.

"Oh..yeah.. ehehehe..didn't think about that." he said sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head.

"I thought that might be the case. Apple juice or milk?" Kon said, chuckling lots at just how silly Bart was.

"Milk please. apple juice gives me the poops. trust me, you'll take me later." Bart said and giggled, blowing a raspberry.

"heh, So what your saying is if I want a super little present maker.." Kon said and winked, but then disappeared into the kitchen.

'..Why do I get the feeling I'm gonna regret telling him that?' Bart thought, but then had his attention drawn to a white and blue rattle with a teddy bear on the handle and started to shake it lots.

Kon had just finished making the ba-ba of milk, 3 percent, when a loud racket started to fill the apartment and he almost dropped the bottle, stumbling out and holding one hand to his left ear and the bottle in the other, he could see Bart had found the rattle and was playing with it..at super speed not aware of the racket he was making.

Not only was it loud enough to hurt Kon's super hearing, but the windows were vibrating and were seconds away from shattering.. all the while Bart was just looking at his rattle and shaking it unaware of the damage he was doing.

Coming over as fast as he could (he tried to yell and get Bart's attention but the noise was too much and Bart was off in his own little world) Kon got a hand over the rattle and stopped the noise.

"hey! what cha do that for!" Bart huffed.

"Buddy, you were shaking it at super speed and almost blew out my eardrums, as well as break my windows." Kon said.

"What? No I.." and Bart stopped and looked around, a few picture frames were cracked and things had been knocked around the room. "oh..Oh...Um.. Sowwy?" Bart said, gulping and giving a weak smile.

"...it's ok buddy. I didn't think about it when I gave you a toy like that. why don't I get rid of any noise makers while you drink up." Kon said.

he could see how bad Bart felt about it, but just like a parent with a real baby or toddler, he knew Bart hadn't known any better and like he had said, it was his own fault for leaving the toy there.

Getting rid of anything that made noise when it was shook Kon turned around to see Bart drinking his bottle, but with a few tears coming down his cheeks.

"Bart..it's Ok buddy. I'm NOT mad at you." Kon said, coming over and scooping up the big baby who tugged his ba-ba out of his mouth.

"I just..I was having fun and didn't..Please let me come back for more baby time!" Bart sniffled.

"Bart of course you can. I'll just have to be careful about toys I get you from now on." Kon said and kissed the whimpering big babies forehead, Taking a seat on the couch and taking the bottle from Bart and starting to feed him himself.

"Besides..now we know what to do next time some Parademons attack, get you two rattles then dive for cover." Kon teased getting a giggle out of the big baby.

Before the bottle was half drained two things started to happened, the first being Bart's eye lids started to droop and he was clearly falling asleep in Kon's big strong arms.

the second and less adorable for anyone with a super sense of smell was Bart started to poot up a storm.

'can't say i'm shocked, known he had to go for awhile now.' Kon thought and just put up with the smell.

he'd put up with worse stinks on the farm between the animals and changing Lon's diapers so it wasn't like Bart could be any worse right?

with his eyelids shut tight and Kon pulling the ba-ba from the big babies mouth, moving the sleeping boy up to burp him, Kon got his answer.

Between the massive budgle that was rapidly forming in the back of Bart's diapers with a series of gross sounding farts and the stink penetrating the whole apartment.. Bart was much, much worse.

'...being a daddy isn't all fun and games.' Kon thought, wrinkling his nose.

Still he made no move to get up and change Bart, worried about waking the little guy up.

'but I'll be damned if I'm gonna like a little..ok..BIG stinky diaper stop this!'

The end

[guessimjoiningthespidermanfandom]

Hell and Back Pt. 2

Peter Parker x bisexual!reader

Peter Parker x fem!reader

Peter Parker x black!reader 

Peter Parker x villain!reader 

Warnings: Language, hospital mentions, mentions of drug abuse, allusions to suicide, allusion to self harm, self deprecating thoughts, a gun, mentions of knives, mentions of the dead, anxiety, signs of abuse, abusive and toxic relationships, and fainting.

Word Count: 6.1k 

Songs: Pleaser-Wallows, 505-Artic Monkeys, Sweater Weather- The Neighborhood, Daddy Issues- The Neighborhood, Paper Planes- M.I.A, We come running- Youngblood Hawke, Young dumb and broke- Khalid, Do I wanna know- Artic Monkeys, Break the Rules- Charli XCX

“I smiled, I know as much as we get into petty arguments or try to annoy each other on purpose but I’d go to hell and back for those girls. And that’s exactly what I was going to do.” 

A/N: There might be some typos and grammatical errors sorry for those, I you want to be added to the Taglist just message me about or comment it. I’ll have a google form for it soon. 

Series Masterlist   Previous Part   Next Part

When I saw my little sisters, that all went away. Sure I still called them a lot but nothing could compare to actually seeing them in person. Sapphire launched herself into my arms and I stumbled back a bit.

“I missed you too,” I said.

I hugged Aaliyah too. When I entered the apartment I heard voices. My dad’s and some feminine voice. 

I walked in to find some woman who couldn't be older than 25 in my kitchen. Talking and laughing with my dad. I didn’t want to assume anything or start a scene so I just went into my room to catch up with my sisters. 

We were talking about some kid who gave me a DMT pen once and I was tripping balls which I probably shouldn’t be talking about, but I want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me. Makes it easier to keep them safe. 

Our dad opened the door and hung in the doorway.

“Hey… Y/N do you mind coming here for a sec?”

“Yeah sure…” 

I stepped out of the room. 

“Is something wrong?” It wasn’t often that he initiated a conversation that would end positively.

“No,no, not at all, I just want you to meet someone,” 

When I entered the kitchen the same woman from before was still there. My dad walked over to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. 

“This is my girlfriend, Camilla” 

I knew it . I knew it! I was trying not to be hostile toward her every problem I had was towards my dad so I smiled and waved to her.

“Camilla this is Y/N,” he pointed to me. 

“Well I’ll let y’all get acquainted,” He said before leaving the room.

I sat on the kitchen island and waited for her to say something first. 

“Look, I would just like to put it out there that I’m not trying to replace your mom in anyway.”

“Thanks I appreciate it,” 

“Also, are you okay now?” She asked in a low voice.

“Huh?” I questioned.

“Your dad said you ran away,” Of course he did “and I saw the news with your school at the Washington Monument.” So I guess she knew more about me then expected. Not surprised she was the one to ask me and not my so called dad.  

“Thanks for your concern but I’m fine, and sorry to cut this conversation short but I’m drained.” 

“Oh, okay, have a nice night,” 

“You, too,” 

I didn’t have time to think about anything. I just made it back to my room and face planted onto my bed. My whole being was sore including my brain. I didn’t have the energy to change my clothes, to shower, to think about my dad being a pathological liar or anything else that happened today.

I was awoken by my dad. I didn't know how long I slept but the sun was out. I can’t remember the last time I was able to sleep while the sun was up. 

“Hey we’re going out, for family bonding and I want you there with us,”

Family.

We ain’t ever been a family before why start now. Is what I really wanted to say but I sucked it up because again I hadn’t seen my sisters in a while. 

The movie was really boring. If we’re being honest. 

I pulled Aaliyah and Sapphire aside as my dad and Camilla were deep in conversation. 

“You know how I was staying at Wade’s house right?” 

They both nodded.

“What did dad tell you about this,” 

Sapphire just shrugged and Aaliyah was the one to post.

“I dunno he didn’t say much like usual he just kinda said you just left,” 

I felt my jaw tightening as I processed her words, my fist clenching by my side. 

“Oh, oh okay,” I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth a couple times “Well I just want you to know I’d never leave y’all without a very good reason, and I never won’t come back,” 

By the time we got back to the house it was around twelve since we watched another movie and went to a restaurant. Then got ice cream. This is the most money my dad could’ve possibly spent on me in a long time. I mean he didn’t because I didn’t get anything and bought my own ticket. I didn’t want him to be able to use the fact he bought me stuff against me. I’d gotten tired of the “after I’ll I’ve done for you,” excuse. 

I couldn’t sleep. No matter what I tried I couldn’t sleep. I tried NyQuil, melatonin, and even tea. The tea really did more harm than good. 

This was an extremely stupid thing to do so don’t follow my lead but I was bored. 

I grabbed a lot of useless shit from the floor of my room and made my way to the roof. I poured hand sanitizer on it and set it on fire. Putting aside the fact that it was really weird the fire was oddly beautiful. I sat there watching it for a minute before stomping it out. 

I was going to text my friend Carmen but I realized she was supposed to be asleep and I didn’t want to get her in trouble. 

I ended up scrolling through Zillow for a while then that turned into me applying for like four jobs. In which turned into me making spamming multiple friends saying we needed to hang out.

While I was on Zillow there was a relatively cheap apartment in Queens. Which was close to my school. It kept drawing me in for some reason. I bookmarked the tab.

Before I knew it the sun was up. I figured if I couldn’t sleep I would go on a walk to the park. 

When I got back to the complex everyone was still asleep except my dad who walked outside like he was waiting on me. He grabbed my arm, squeezing it tightly. 

He basically told me I looked like a prostitute. I was running so my sports bra and leggings were actually pretty appropriate. He said that I was probably going out to fuck people and that’s where I always was. I opened my mouth to defend myself.

“Actually I was just going to the-“ I was cut off by a sharp sting on my cheek. 

He fucking slapped me. Hard at that. He then grabbed my arm even tighter than before dragging me into the house.

 I don’t know what hurt worse my face or that fact that I wouldn’t be able to blame him being drunk on all the times he’d hit me before. He was just an ass.

  By the time I made it back to my room it felt like my body was burning itself from the inside out. My face was red and so was my arm from my elbow to almost my wrist. To try to cool myself down I took a cold shower and took some Tylenol. 

I still couldn’t sleep but tonight it was because it was so hot. I really needed a fan in my room. It was already 6 so I just decided to get a head start at the school. Not without taking pictures of my bruises before covering them with green concealer and foundation. I wore a hoodie for good measure. 

I felt dizzy and decided it was probably best not to skate at the moment and I’m 90% sure I fell asleep on the subway.  Apparently we had an art project due which I had no idea existed in the first place so I wasn’t going to that class today. Even though I did truly love Ms. Kramer. I was just gonna skip and go to Bri’s class. Which just happened to be chemistry. 

I wasn’t surprised Mr. Cobwell asked no question when I walked in. I ate lunch in his class a couple times, he was chill. He continued on talking about Quantum Theory. 

I made Flash move from his seat next to Bri which he immediately did. I guess he was scared of me now. 

“Hey,” I said, placing my non bruised side of my face on the desk.

“Hey,” She whispered back. “What class are you supposed to be in?” 

“Art,” 

“Why are you there? You love art,” 

“I’m not feeling it today,” 

“Alright,” she nodded.

“Lemme use your AirPods,” 

She reached into her bag handing them over going back to taking notes. That didn’t last long.

“What ya watching?” She asked.

“Bad Girls Club,” I smiled knowing she liked this show. 

“What season?” 

“7,” I whispered because now I felt too weak to waste my energy on speaking. I placed the phone on my lap and she took the other AirPod and before I knew I class was over with Tasha throwing trash everywhere.

I figured I was feeling sick because my blood sugar was low or something so I drank some Apple juice at lunch and called it a day.

Now time for Physics. I hate physics. Why would science ever require so much math? 

It was so hot. Like on the face of the sun, hot but I couldn’t take my hoodie off because I felt like I’d sweat my foundation off. 

“Are you okay?” Peter asked me “You look pale,” I swear if he doesn’t learn to mind his business.

“I’m fine,” I told him, not sure if I was trying to convince him or myself, I gestured to his notebook. “Do your work,” 

“Alright fine,” he said reluctantly, glancing at me once before getting back to writing whatever we were supposed to be doing down.

 I pulled my hoodie back over my head and sat up in my seat about to try to do my work again. But it was so hot and I was so dizzy that I couldn’t focus.

The world began to swirl and I knew the switch in my brain was going to flip off. I just didn’t have time or enough energy to tell anyone. 

When I woke up I was in a bed in the nurse's office and the first thing I noticed was I didn’t have my hoodie. Shit. I used to make fun of people for passing out because how does your own body clock out on you? Until it started happening to me like last year. 

I went into the bathroom and sure enough the giant bruise on my cheek and arm were kinda visible. 

Again shit.

I patted my forehead with a cold paper towel because the nurse’s bathroom actually had paper towels unlike all the others, before the nurse came back. 

“Hello, Are you feeling okay?” 

I nodded. She smiled down at me before giving me water and checking my temperature. 

“You have a fever,” she said after looking down at the thermometer “We called dad to come and pick you up but we got no answer. Is there anyone else that can come and take you?” 

I shook my head, not trusting my voice. 

I drank some more of the water before speaking up. 

“I have a friend who’s at this school she could maybe drop me off?” 

“I’m not sure if that’s allowed,” she said. 

“You know what? Go back to class, get your friend and come right back.”

I pushed off the bed and headed out of the nurses office surprised to find Peter sitting on the bench outside it. 

“Are you okay?” He asked me again 

“Yes I’m okay” I nodded. Apparently I wasn’t as okay as I thought because I almost tripped over my leg trying to move. But Peter immediately reached his hand out to stabilize me. And I don’t know why that made me as angry as it was but I said “I don’t need you to help,” harsher than I need to. 

“Sorry,” I said calmly almost immediately after. 

“It’s okay,” He said scratching the back of his neck.

“If you don’t mind me asking where’d these bruises come from,” 

“I fell,” was all I said. He looked skeptical but that was all he was going to get, I didn’t need CPS all up in my business. That’s also payback for him lying to me about “cat scratches”. 

“Can you do me a favor?” I asked.

“Yeah, anything,” he said. 

“Can you go get Briana from Mr. Dell’s class for me?” 

“Yeah I’ll be right back,” he said before sprinting down the hallway. I giggled at his giddiness. It was still extremely hot everywhere my body was tingling. 

Bri ran towards me 

“Oh my god are you okay,” 

“I’m fine, I just need you to talk to the nurse with me real quick,” 

She apparently didn’t have her car with her today so she was a no go. 

“I’m sorry girl,” she said, pulling me into a hug. 

“It’s okay, go back to class now,” I said.

“Alright feel better,”

I walked back out of the office to find none other than Peter still waiting there.

“So what happened?” He asked.

“Looks like I’m walking home,” I smiled sarcastically. “Yay,”

“I can walk you home,”

“No, thank you” 

“I insist,” I laughed again 

“I still think that word is funny,” I said.

“Okay, now let me walk you home,” 

We were walking in no general direction. No one but MJ and Bri know my address and  I’d like  to keep it that way. 

“Wait, you need food,” He claimed.

We ended up at this place called Delmar’s Deli. I’d passed it a couple times while walking home and during my less legal “hobby”. I really wasn’t hungry at all. I took all of like two bites from my sandwich claiming I’d take it to go before throwing it away. It wasn’t bad, it was quite good, actually I just wasn’t hungry. 

“My aunt is a nurse at an emergency room, she can check you out,” I hate anything that's anything like a hospital at all brings terrible memories, but I didn’t want him to know where I lived so I agreed. I’d ditch him then.  

It took us a while to get there but by the time we did I had to stop and catch my breath. He offered to walk me home and got me food. What a Spiderman thing to do. I’d say I had much solid proof to go on by now.  

“Peter!” The gorgeous brunette woman came over to the waiting room “What are you doing here don’t you have school?” 

“Yeah but my friend-“ When her eyes ghosted over to my face she cut herself off. “Oh my God are you okay,” she referred to my bruises “What happened to you?” 

“Did Flash do this to her?” She asked Peter and I had to stifle a laugh at that. I wish he would try to lay a finger on me. 

“No, she just told me she fell, we’re here cause she fainted and I don’t know if the school nurse is very capable of actually helping,” 

Is this a new thing Peter just decides to randomly worry about me for no good reason and forces me into taking care of myself. Because I hate it. 

“Oh, ok,” She nodded her head. “Grab one of those questionnaires over there,” She pointed to the sign in table. “Are your parents going to come too?” She asked and I shook my head. 

She and Peter moved over to the side and started talking about something I had no interest in. I grabbed the questionnaire and sat on the edge of the closest seat.  

1. What’s your age?

That’s easy 15.

2. Specify your race 

African American of course.

3. Select your highest level of education

Some high school

4. What’s your marital status? 

Single never married. Unless you count that un-ordained wedding I once had.

5. Specify your employment status

A student. 

6. Have you ever been treated in an emergency room (specify age)? 

Yes, as a child. 

7. Have you ever been rushed to the hospital? If yes, do you remember why?

Okay wow. Yes. 

I sat on the cold bathroom floor, vision blurry from tears forming in my eyes. 

“Y/N, you okay in there?” I heard my brother ask after lightly rapping his fingers on the door. 

“Yeah, I’m okay!” 

No I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay at all. In fact I was the farthest thing from okay. I glanced down at my thighs, you could see cuts from the night before and scars peeking out from underneath my shorts. I was sobbing at this point. 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure if it was for myself or to everyone I knew I’d hurt by this. I already had the headache. I was just waiting for the rest of the pills to kick in. 

I was holding onto the sink for support when the left side of my body started to feel tingly. The whole situation felt hazy. I was shaking hard before I fell, taking almost everything on the sink with me. 

My head hit the bathmat and I could feel my heart slowing and hear my breath become shallow. I heard the doorknob jingle and that was the last thing before a feeling of true bliss and peace took over my body. 

I could hear screams and sirens and I knew I was in an ambulance. Slowly I awoke with wires all over my body and an IV in my wrist. My limbs were dead weight, I couldn’t move. 

A single tear fell from my eye alerting me off my surroundings. I quickly came back to myself. I made up the excuse of a family emergency and left.

I ended up halfway across the city. Then in Brooklyn visiting a friend. 

I knocked on the window of Aaron’s apartment. I could see Miles sitting on the couch.

“How’ve things been over here?” I asked once I was settled on the couch as well. 

“Uh, pretty tame, and you?” 

“There was that whole elevator stunt and I almost fucking died which was fun.” 

“Forgot you never take anything seriously,” He rolled his eyes. 

I laughed in response “Well one of us has got to be fun for us since it’s clearly not you,” 

“In celebration of me not dying I’m making sundaes,” 

“Alright,” He said leaning back on the couch. 

“Hey uh, When’s Aaron coming back?” I asked, getting the whipped cream out of the fridge.

“I’m not sure,” 

This is actually like really fucking dangerous. Like it could kill me. It’s just I was already in pain and had a headache. I also wasn’t thinking. I’d already made the sundaes. I turned around so Miles couldn’t see what I was doing before I- Okay I’m not going to do this. Get it together God you’re acting like an addict. The amount of people who’ve died from inhalants were insane. There it is again death. 

“Drawn anything new lately?” I asked, wanting to get my mind off of the topic of death that seemed to be plaguing my brain lately.  

“Some small sketches,”

I got the text that’d I been waiting for. I’d been talking to Aaron for the past few days. I’m not sure how Miles would feel about that. So I haven’t said anything. 

But I got the text. 

Staten Island Ferry 3pm

I immediately popped up from the couch.

“I have to go like right now, it’s an emergency,” 

I sprinted towards the door almost running into the punching bag in front of me. 

“Y/N-“ 

It’d been a week and things were looking up. I had a great day yesterday without the use of any drug. But nothing good ever lasts too long. I didn’t have to worry about that now. What I needed to worry about, was getting Peter to stop falling on his ass. 

I tried not to laugh at him and failed. 

“It’s not funny,” he said, pulling me down with him as I reached out to pull him up. Soon he was laughing too. 

I felt a vibration in my pocket and saw that Aaron texted me. 

hey the results from the search came in.

what???? don’t play with me I’m on my way right now. 

“Uh hey I gotta go sorry,” 

“No it’s fine I probably should get home too,” He pushed off the ground reaching down for me. 

“Do you wanna do this again tomorrow?” He asked a hopeful glint in his eye once we were both on our feet.

“Yeah sounds nice,” I smiled.

“Okay,” He nodded.

“Okay,” I echoed heading off. 

Ned was being fucking stupid.

“NO!” I slammed my hands down on the table “You don’t stab anyone especially if you plan on using bleach to clean up the blood. At least use vinegar and lemon,”

“Okay, jeez,” he said reeling back, “How would you do it then?” 

Before I could say anything MJ spoke up

“You could just use a needle full of air in between their toes, Their heart would fail” 

“Orrr,” I said spinning around on top of the table towards Ned. “You could overdose them on potassium and by the time the police get there the potassium in their blood is back at a normal level,” 

“Yeah that works too,” MJ stated going back to whatever she was drawing.

“You guys scare me,” Ned muttered making me smile. 

“Where’s Peter?” I asked and Ned pointed across the room. 

There he was sitting by Liz. It was cute I knew about his little crush on her. I’m sure the whole school did. Glad it’s working out for him. However that did not stop the pain in my stomach. 

I got up from the table because suddenly I did not want to be at school anymore. 

“Where are you going?” MJ looked up at me.

I shrugged. In all honesty I had no I idea where I was going. Somehow I always end up at Wade’s house when I don’t know where I want to go. He wasn’t home but I had a key. I can’t remember if he gave it to me or I stole if we're being honest. 

Clearly I hadn’t passed by a mirror in a while because damn. I look terrible. 

My eyes were red and circled with a dark hue from lack of sleep. I still had a yellowing bruise on my cheek. I was pale. I looked to be on the verge of death. 

I looked frail, like at any second I’d just fall apart. 

It was so unfair. My bones dragged down my body. The pieces of my soul that were mined out and removed from my mind. There’s a hole leaving me forever longing and I cannot fill nor feel. Hiraeth, a beautiful word for a ugly feeling. longing for a home that I never truly had, a home in which I’d never return. I would like to drift to where my spirit lies. It’s in the eyes of you and me and everyone in between. Drifting on a small boat in the sea. Viridian. Yes! That's the place I would like to be, that's where my soul lies yes you see.

 I kept punching his punching bag over and over again. Until I was on my back on the floor begging my lungs to allow air into them with Time (Is) by Solange playing on loop. Something put it into my head that I had to kill Vulture. I’d never directly killed anyone but that was gonna change. Having people killed or knowing someone was going to kill someone and not doing anything about isn’t killing anyone in my book, but I’m sure it would be in Spidey’s

That’s literally Liz’s dad though…

Okay maybe I’d just get him locked up. Great now I gotta be a snitch. That’s new. I showered not even caring about my hair now my curls were sticking to my face. I was freezing now though. I didn’t know whether to be glad that my body wasn’t on fire anymore or be upset that I was covered in goosebumps. 

Wade’s laptop was sitting right there on his bed. I was only taking a shower but, I think I should be allowed to watch Netflix and he wouldn’t mind, I was already on his account anways. 

After like 3 episodes into this random show there was a folder that was calling to me for some reason. 

It’d be okay to take a sneak peek. I thought to myself. 

I clicked on it and it was locked. I guessed the password in like three tries. He’s really gotta up his password game. It opened to multiple folders, one with my mom's name. Okay I had to click this then. 

I opened it which opened to more folders one titled ‘In Case of My Death’. 

Okay, okay cool my mother has had a video of what to do all if she died all along. This would’ve come in handy five years ago. 

There were three videos with the names of myself and my sisters. I clicked on mine then paused it. 

Then unpaused it again. 

I couldn’t do it. Okay, yes I could. I played it again. As soon as I heard the beginning of the word “hi”. I shut the computer off. I couldn’t do this. Couldn't do it because I was weak, I couldn’t handle myself. I was stupid and weak and a fucking disappointment. Guess my dad had been right all these years. I knew there was always some truth to the words he spoke only a matter of time until I started acknowledging it. 

I don’t remember coming home to the apartment. And I definitely don’t remember writing all over the walls of my dad’s room. But I had a marker in my hands and it looked like a toddler had gone to town. 

Holy Shit 

He was actually going to murder me, in cold fucking blood.  I trashed, the living room area, his room, and then mine. I was not coming home tonight. Looks like I’d need to find a new home now. At this point that sounded like a pretty solid plan. 

I text my sisters a quick text ‘stay at grandma’s house tonight dad is going to pissed like Super Sayian mode’ before grabbing my go-bag which was: a bag of the essentials, like hygiene a couple shirts, shorts, hoodies, pants, and of course the flash drive can't forget the flash drive. 

The flash drive that’s driving me crazy. I’d yet to open it though.  I knew I was crazy because I did all this while fucking sobbing.

I wandered around for hours. Making my way to Brooklyn, Manhattan, Harlem, AND actual New York City.  

Somehow I still ended up at Olivia’s door at the end of the day. I honestly believe we were soulmates. Most people don’t know you get many soulmates in a lifetime. I think Olivia and I would be the karmic kind. A karmic relationship is meant to help you grow, but it is never meant to last—it's often playing out a bad experience from a past life. I’m guessing I hadn’t grown yet because here I was.

She opened the door after a second. I’m surprised she did because I used our special knock so I knew she knew it was me. 

“I can’t fucking do this anymore,” I screamed in her face. 

“You're the one going off and being secretive and shit, like you’re scared I’m gonna hurt you or something,” she yelled walking up the stairs. 

I followed after her, 

“Maybe you would hurt me. I don’t know you are insane,” I said, tears brimming my eyes. 

“Just because you have fucking daddy issues, doesn’t mean you have to carrying them into every part of your life,” 

“I have daddy issues?” I screamed soon turning into me choking on a laugh making an unhinged noise “Oh, I have fucking daddy issues, now? Oh, okay,” I nodded. 

“Your parents didn’t even fucking want you,” I pointed at her. “At least my mom stuck around before she died,” 

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” 

“Yeah well right back at you,” 

“You’re fucking psychotic! Literally you’re so much like your dad and you don’t even know it, You’re trying to please him and he doesn’t give two shits about you, Wake up Y/N! Wake up.” 

“I’m hard on you because I love you so much,” She claimed, but her love was suffocating. 

“Oh yeah? I asked “Well i don’t know how much more of this ’love’ I can take,” 

“Fine then,” She screamed. 

“Fine,” I said before she slammed the door in my face leaving me standing out in the cold crying. 

That wasn’t even the worse we’d said to each other. It was the first but not the last time we’d break up either. I do believe we loved each other though in our own twisted way. Well at least I know I loved her. 

“Hey,” She said softly as she could sense I was due to break at any second. My cheeks were probably tear stained. 

“Hey,” I whispered back. 

“Are you okay?” She asked. 

“No,” I shook my head. One thing I liked about her is I didn’t have to fake it around her, because masking my real emotions was so draining. At least I didn’t have to do it with everyone. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“No,” 

“Okay,” she said softly “My parents aren’t home, so you don’t have to worry about them,” not surprised. 

I nodded before she grabbed my hand bringing me inside.

“I missed you,” she said stroking my hair as I laid on her bed, my head in her lap. 

“I missed you too,” I wasn’t lying my head drifted to her from time to time. It wasn’t that I wanted to get back together I just missed her presence.  

She smiled sadly at me running her finger over the bags on my eyes. 

“Heavy is the head that wears the crown,” She quotes.

“Yeah well, ’m not queen or princess and definitely don’t have a crown, so we don’t gotta worry ‘bout me,” I said. 

“You’re a princess to me,” I gave a genuine yet tired smile at that.

“You can go to sleep, it’s okay,” She said.

That was the first time I was actually able to fall asleep and without medicine or having to go on a walk or do anything really. 

I woke up in the bed alone only to find Olivia sitting at her kitchen island eating spaghetti. 

She smiled when she saw me coming into view. 

“Sleep well?” She asked.

“Yeah surprisingly,” How long had I been asleep for I wondered.

“It’s 10 pm,” She said, still being able to read me. 

I made my way over to her and sat across her.

“So what’s really going on with you miss Y/N?” She questioned. 

I shrugged “I don’t know, nothing,”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself? Cause I’m not buying,” 

I explained to her how my dad was being weird and how I wanted to move out now. How I had pretty much vandalized the house. How I found the video of my mom. Just everything. Well maybe not everything I didn’t tell her about Vulture because I feel like she’d try to do something and I didn’t want her to get hurt. 

“Oh wow, damn... holy shit. Are you gonna watch your moms video?” She asked. Huh I hadn’t thought about that.

“I mean of course I will, yeah,” I nodded “Probably, I don’t know I’m scared,”  

“Wouldn’t you rather just push the fear back and watch then wonder the rest of your life what it says.” 

I sighed. Can't argue with that logic.

“I’m assuming you came here because you need a place to stay?” She said. 

“Yes, I need a place to stay just for a while but I don’t want it to seem like I’m just using you I can find somewhere else,” 

“Now it’s fine stay as long as you need but my dad gets back at the end of the month and we both know he doesn’t like you,” She chuckled at the last sentence and I laughed too. 

I was on the ferry heading towards Staten Island now. I knew the sale was for these weird alien shits but that's pretty much all I knew. I figured I’d sort of “out bid” the buyers then get rid of everything. By outbid I mean straight up steal. Some guy in a white pickup truck is officially my target. Thorn was still on hiatus. Meaning no knives unless you count the pocket knife I always had on me, no suit. I did have a trejo though, you know just in case. I couldn’t help my mind from drifting to Pop Smoke’s “I got it on me”. I let out a small laugh.  

I was hiding behind some car waiting for a crack in the plan to slip in. 

That was until Spiderman showed up. It’s like he had a sixth sense to ruin all of my plans. 

Shit 

Well abort mission. Just as I started walking around to get to the side of the boat. The van I was next to had Vulture literally coming out of it. I knew it’d looked familiar. 

I made it up to the top deck looking down on everything unfolding. So a quick rundown,  the FBI was here, meaning Tony Stark or someone with government clearance probably did something because I highly doubt that Spiderman, the Spiderman that I’ve seen hit a window like a bird while swinging, had any government clearance. 

See now I was looking to find a good time to make my escape. That was until that purple alien shit started spewing stuff beams of light through the ship. And fuck, I look away for one second and the new Shocker guy was gone. I turned around and saw he was running in another direction. I chased after him the rubber of my sneakers squeaking on the deck. 

I jumped down onto Shocker’s back sending us both to the floor before he pushed me off. I was definitely going to be sore tomorrow and I’m pretty sure I heard something pull in my leg. 

He jumped off onto the Vulture and I knew I couldn’t do anything anymore. Not like I was just going to shoot them down in public. I saw the light shooting down the middle of the ferry. I was gonna make a run for it but the loud squeal noise was so loud I fell over. Soon I was slung back into what I think was a bench not entirely sure I just knew it hurt like a bitch. 

I’m pretty sure I feel unconscious for like 30 seconds. 

But that was enough because the boat had already split in half and I couldn’t get to the deck or a lifeboat. However Spider-Man was frantically trying to get it together. 

I was trying to be hopeful because everything was looking up, as the parts of the ship got closer together but I think we all know the saying ‘what goes up must come down’ 

Over the ringing in my head I could assume that things were fixed because people were cheering. One thing that comes from cheering is movement and if I learned anything from the elevator it’s that moving in a very unstable metal death box is not a good idea. 

The ship was falling apart again until it wasn’t. It was pushed back together by I could only assume would be our government clearance guy Tony Stark. I looked out the window and yep there he was. 

As soon as I got on solid ground I called my sisters.

“Hiii!” I exclaimed. “Where are you, are you okay?” 

“Yes we’re fine, and where at grandma’s house like you told us to go to where else would we be,” I could almost hear the eye roll in Liyah’s voice. 

“Okay little Miss attitude stay there until I can feel everything out with dad,” 

“Alright,” 

“Okay I love you guys,” I said, getting a small “love you too” from Sapphire. 

“I know,” was the response I got from Liyah. I almost gasped the audacity of this child. 

“Say it back,” 

“Say it back,” She mocked, evoking laughter from both sides of the call. 

“Okay love you too byeeee,” She said hanging up. 

I smiled, I know as much as we get into petty arguments or try to annoy each other on purpose but I’d go to hell and back for those girls. And that’s exactly what I was going to do.

Taglist: 

@tomdiddlyumptious

[mercury-retrograde-concept]

Can you do a Friendship Reading on Stray Kids Hyunjin and ex-ioi Somi?.

Sure! I’m not using my usual friendship spread for these two, mostly because I couldn’t find anything that definitive on google about how well they know each other. It’s probably fair to assume that they’d have had some sort of opinion on each other, though, due to their time at JYP overlapping. Stray Kids also debuted the same year Somi left JYP as well, so I decided to divide this reading into four different sections related to that particular timeline 

I’m using the After Tarot deck for this reading due to it spanning a fair amount of time and to account for the possibility of opinions shifting over said time period. 

Disclaimer: This tarot reading is for entertainment purposes only. All speculation comes from my interpretation only.

Initial impressions of each other: Six of Pentacles (Reversed), Two of Cups (Reversed) Opinions on each other while Somi was with JYP: Four of Wands, Four of Swords (Reversed)

Clarifier card: The Empress (Reversed)

Opinions on each other after Somi left JYP: The Chariot, Ten of Swords Current feelings about each other: The Magician (Reversed), Seven of Pentacles (Reversed)

Okay, this was an intense reading. 

It appears as though their first impressions of each other were less than favorable. Simply put there, there was a lot of tension and conflict almost immediately. This was probably due to the state of things with their career, as well as JYP as a whole. When they joined JYP, the company had been in the red for a while (and pretty much would be until the debut of Twice, if I recall correctly.) This meant the company had fewer resources available for trainees, and debuting was even more remote than it normally might be. Based on my reading for the Hyunjin and Han conflict, I’d say this made it really hard for trainees to get along. I feel like it was common practice to worry about hidden agendas, who was favored, who was talented, etc etc. 

The theme of “power imbalance” is threaded throughout this part of the reading as well, and I think I can guess why. In the early months/years Somi’s star had been rising due to her appearances on Sixteen and Produce 101. Hyunjin seems to have been very envious over this, particularly since it basically ensured that Somi would definitely debut one day. Likewise, the debut of Twice made it very likely that a boy group would debut next, meaning that Somi’s career would remain stalled until the next boy group had a more stable fanbase. As a result they didn’t see each other as much more than competition and a roadblock in their plans for life, and both envied what they thought the other had. 

Oddly, this died down after a while. This is probably due to maturing, and realizing they had a great deal in common. Mainly their strong sense of ambition (I need to figure out their astrological charts ... they’re both a Pisces - like me, hi! - but I wouldn’t be surprised if they have some earth signs in there.) In fact, it seems it got to the point where they formed a fairly strong bond. I’ll be honest, this bond seems to have mainly centered around getting together to complain about work. They’d both hang out, vent about how they felt as though their careers had stalled, and then go back to work more energized. 

This didn’t last, though. As we all know, they both succeeded in debuting. Somi also left JYP. When these things happened, neither really looked back. It seems like that - after Stray Kids debuted - Hyunjin didn’t really have time for anything other than his idol career. Likewise, Somi’s departure appears to have been very sudden and something she kept close to her chest. She also seems to have thrown herself into her solo work without really looking back. I don’t get a sense of maliciousness or snobbery surrounding any of this. Being an idol seems like a very all-consuming career, and they probably had to act this way. Nevertheless, it seems likely they both felt sort of hurt and abandoned, even if they were both doing similar things. 

Nowadays it seems as though they’re both still fussing over their career. They’ve both done well for themselves but they’re still trying to establish things. Somi is especially worried she’s not getting to work to her full potential. If they hang out, it happens rarely, and they stick to superficial things. They just haven’t had the time or inclination to talk and hash things out. 

[iftadwascool]

Hey, I wrote a review of show I watched.

Off the bat I want to say I really don't watch anime all that much. I watch a show here and there, from time to time. Anime really isn't a big thing for me. I had a weeb phase like 17 years ago back when I was a teenager, but it's part of being a weirdo in high school. 

I wanted to put that out there first because I don't want to come off like an elitist or something. 

So I watched Maid Sama over a few days last week, and it wasn’t good. It's not awful per say, it's just… boring. Especially after you finish it. It's a very basic shoujo anime. It has the troupes. 

Tsundere of sorts

Clumsy protagonist 

Protagonist can't say their feeling

The fucking wall slams, so many fucking wall slams

And the most important part of all, NO PAY OFF

Okay, about that last one. There's a pay off, but it's… god it's boring. And that's what really been bugging me. 

Like I said, I watched this show over a few days last week and something about it rubbed me the wrong way. Like gnawing at the back of my head. I couldn’t pinpoint it till recently. The whole show was a set up for a second season that never happened. You get a glimpse of what they wanted to tell with the outtros oddly enough. Also I want to talk about those outtros songs, because FUCK THOSE SONGS DO NOT FIT THE SHOW!!

In the outtros you see a glimpse of the love interests, Takumi Usui, life before the show. At first I thought it was just a generic “we’ll show things unrelated to the show” kind of thing. Like Outlaw Star, one of my favorite animes, or like other animes from the 90’s I grew up watching on Toonami. So it really didn't bother me. 

It wasn't till the eleventh episode you see Usui life outside of school away from Misaki Ayuzawa, the main character. Misaki gets dragged by her two friends to go stalk him. For funsies, you know, how high school girls do. One of the friends made a joke about how he's secretly rich and does all these fancy things when no one knows about. So over the course of the day he does all these things and the girls get more and more freaked out until they give up. When the two friends leave because they’ve had enough, Misaki stays back to see what he’ll do next. Usui confronts Misaki suggesting he overheard and set the whole thing up and offers to show her where he lives. All while helping a stray cat, you know because he's a good guy. Misaki declines, they have a “will they, won't they” moment, and she leaves. After she goes home we cut back to Usui and we find out he lives in a towering apartment building alone. 

Well not alone now, he has the stray cat with him. You know because he's a good guy.

So this episode establishes that he's rich. Which tracks with the outtros because they’re just stills of him alone, or walking along a private road in what looks like an English Manor. It's like something straight out of Downton Abbey. 

I should probably describe the character dynamics to help illustrate why this show bugged me so much. 

Misaki is the protagonist. She's a hard ass with tsundere characteristics. I wouldn't call her a full blown Tsundere because she’s not really one. She's an asshole because of circumstances. The school she goes to was an all boys school that recently changed to mixed genders, I guess that's a thing in Japan, but the boys hate that girls are there. She got elected Student President and has to fight back against all the misogyny the boys have. It's completely understandable. Oh and also she has a secret that if it gets out she’ll lose all credibility. She works in a Maid Cafe. Honestly you’ll need to google that because I get it but at the same time I don't. It's just a weird Japanese thing that I just don't understand. It's like Hooters but somehow feels worse to me. Anyways, if the school learned she thinks she’d be ruined. So she tries very hard to keep those two parts of her life separate. Only a select few people know. One of them is Usui.

Usui is the love interest. He’s basically the cool guy at school. All the girls love him and all the guys want to be him. Except he doesn't care. He turns down girls and usually ignores all the guys asking him for help. He's honestly a real paper thin character. There's not much to him. He's in love with Misaki but he's an asshole. Like, to me, he comes off real unlikeable. He has moments but they're just that. Moments. 

So why does this show bother me so much? It's fine. It's the perfect show to watch while you eat. There's not really much depth, you don't have to pay attention or analyze much. Everything on screen is what there is. Until you get to those damn outtros.

The outtros were there to give you depth that wasn't in the show itself. Usui is a paper thin character throughout the whole show till the last five episodes. It's when I realized why this show bothered me so much. It was banking on a second season. 

It needed a second season to flesh out the Misaki and Usui relationship. The last five minutes of the show them getting together. They finally tell each other how they feel and kiss under fireworks. Because before that it wasnt so much “will they, won't they.” From the start you knew Misaki and Usui would get together. But the issue is not that, it's that there is no lead up to it. 

From episode one to twenty it's just “will they, won't they” and wacky adventures. Episode twenty-one the “Rival” appears. I put quotations around the rival because Hinata really isn't one. Hinata is a childhood friend who has unrequited love for Misaki. It annoys her but makes Usui jealous. Which is good for the plot but bad for the viewer. We know the show ends in episode twenty-six and he shows up five episodes before. There is no real tension because she very obviously doesn't love him back. His arrival so late into the show feels like it would have been set up for season two, if there was one. Which leads me back to this show banking on a season two. 

I’m not even touching half of what the show sets up. Aoi realizing he likes Misaki too and whatever the fuck is going on with the Miyabigaoka school student council people.

In the end Maid Sama needed more plot and build up which is why I keep thinking they were saving the meat of the story for season two. Sadly we didn't get it because I like the characters, oddly enough. They just don't have anything to work with. The show feels like it was made to cash in Ouran Highschool Host Club and it shows. Ouran has character development with funny, inventive writing. Maid has a run of the mill Shoujo plot. Ouran has individual characters, yes even the twins, while Maid had three blond characters I kept getting confused with.

I hope one day there's a Maid Sama resurgence because I would like to watch it. Until then I'm going to read the manga.

[itzagothamcitysiren]

Welcome to the Family

Well, this is the last part of this part. I’ll be starting to work on the next one soon. I have so many different ideas. First though, today after this, I’ll be posting a mother’s day fic I wrote set in this. It’s set in the future (when Jason’s dead). It’s not really spoiler, just a cute little three-shot I wrote before writing this actual story. I’ll be posting the soonish after I pro-read it one more time :) 

Never Wanted to be Here pt.7 

               Normally if you had told Jason Todd he was allowed to stay home from school for an entire month he would’ve been beyond excited but surprisingly this wasn’t the case. He was bed ridden practically the entire time and on top of it still had to keep up with his school work. And he still hadn’t been allowed back on patrol. His bullet wound was the least of his concerns as his boredom was the highest pain in his life at the moment. He was disgusted that he was actually looking forward to going back to school soon.

           Alfred had finally allowed him to get out of bed, as long as he kept up with his work and out of the cave. It was an unfair compromise in Jason’s opinion but he took it anyway, desperate to stretch his legs a bit. He currently found himself sitting in the living room, watching a marathon of reruns from Impractical Jokers, one of his all-time favorite shows. He snacked on a bag of chips he sneaked from the kitchen, keeping an ear out for Alfred, who would surely kill him if he caught him eating junk right before dinner.  

           Just as Mur was about to get his eyebrows shaved off, he heard the front door open and Alfred greeting someone. He rolled up the bag and slipped it behind a pillow, craning his neck around to see if he could sneak a peek into the hallway. He raised an eyebrow when he heard Grayson’s voice. He and Alfred were talking one another, Alfred asking how their flight was. Their? It was then when he heard Halley’s soft voice answer him.

           “Long, but not terrible.” She laughed, causing Jason’s hears to perk up in curiosity.

            After the run in with Deathstroke, Dick had taken Halley back to Titan’s Tower. The girl was too overwhelmed to stay at the manor, Dick told Bruce the night before they left. She appreciated Bruce’s hospitably and understanding but the feeling of being a burden and the guilt of dragging them into her issues were ringing too loudly in her head.

           Jason jumped out of his skin when he heard Dick say he was going to go talk to Bruce and then two sets off footsteps heading towards the room he sat in. His eyes widened, quickly checking that the bag of chips was securely hidden. Pretending to be fully invested in the show, he acted surprised when Alfred entered the room with the girl in question right behind him.

           “Honestly, Master Jason, I don’t understand how you can watch this tomfoolery.” Alfred’s sharp voice made him jump again. Jason turned to look at him and Halley, rolling his eyes. The butler turned from the TV, looking at the girl. “Dinner will be ready shortly, young Master Jason will be a respectable host until it is ready.” Alfred said to the girl pleasantly before shooting Jason a warning look and heading back to the kitchen.

           Jason rolled his eyes after the butler when his back was turned, along with sticking his tongue out. He wouldn’t dare to when he was looking. His face softened when he heard Halley giggle. He looked at her oddly, never hearing her laugh so lightheartedly before. Dork, he thought when she blushed when noticing his eyes on her. Clearing her throat she motioned her hand towards the TV, the strange antics happening on the screen catching her attention.

           Jason outreached his hands to the empty spot next to him, silently ushering her to the couch. As she sat she crossed her arms against her chest, quirking her lip up as a man with his hair and eyebrows shaved off appeared on the screen, his group of friends gathering around him laughing as they held up a driver’s license up. The photo of the man in his current appearance was terrifying but everyone found it hilarious, including Jason, who was snickering in at the screen.

           “What is this?” She questioned, raising an eyebrow.

           “The greatest show ever, duh.” Jason said as if it was obvious.

           “Debatable.” She shrugged.

           Jason cocked up an eyebrow this time, turning his attention to her. She stared at the screen seriously, trying to find what was funny about torturing your friends with over the top pranks as the preview for the next episode began. He couldn’t help to take note in how good she looked. Not that he was checking her out. But no, good in the sense that the bruises from being beat to shit by her asshole father were now faded and it appeared that none of the cuts scared. She looked lighter. Even with the serious look on her face, she seemed not as stressed out and uptight as compared to when he first met her.

           “What?” She asked, not having to look to feel Jason’s eyes on her.

           Jason shrugged, trying to play it cool. He turned back to the TV, reaching underneath the pillow and pulling the chips back out. He munched on a couple offering the bag to Halley. She refused them politely, not wanting to spoil her dinner. She’d been craving Alfred’s cooking after the first few nights of Starfire’s and the endless amount of take-out the Titan’s ordered. She never much noticed it when she first moved in, just thankful to be taken care of.  But once you tasted Alfred’s cooking there was no going back.

           “So you just visiting or-,” Jason muttered, biting on his lip, pausing to wait for her answer.

           “Dick wants me to try again. You know being normal, or as normal as one can be as Bruce Wayne’s ward.” She said with a sigh, looking at her lap.

           Jason nodded, shoving another chip in his mouth awkwardly. He chewed loudly, swallowing before turning to look at her again, “And do you want to?”

           Halley looked up at him, fidgeting with the hem of her oversized black and grey stripped sweater. She was nervous of coming back, not sure if it was the right thing to do. She’d caused them a lot of trouble and she wasn’t the happiest here. She felt miserable actually but she also wasn’t in the greatest head space. She was concerned for Dick, worried about her father, and paranoid Batman wasn’t trusting of her.

           But being back at the tower, something felt off. She couldn’t quit tell at first. Of course she was missing Alfred and his cooking. She felt like she had bonded with the older man; he was kind and made her feel like a normal kid. But she knew that couldn’t have been the only thing throwing her off from being in the tower. The thought of school did cross her mind. She didn’t particularly missed it but she found herself googling more about the French Revolution, as she had just started learning about it in her History class and she wanted to know how it ended as if it was some story in a book. She also never got to properly thank Bruce for all he did for her. He took her in, adopted her, forging it but still, people knew he now had a daughter and she just left him to come up with an explanation as to why. She loved the Titans but it just didn’t feel right going back.

           “I want to try again.” She nodded, giving him a short smile.

           He nodded, ending the conversation there, turning back to the TV again. The pair watched the next episode in silence. Well, silence besides Jason laughing at every gag. Halley smirked here and there but it wasn’t until the very end when the guy she now knew as Sal was forced to go around kicking kids out of a pool. She didn’t know why it made her laugh so hard but it did. The look on his face when a mom question why he was kicking her son out just hit her in the gut and she found herself wiping a tear away from her eye as her and Jason laughed together.

           “I see Master Jason has already corrupted her.” Alfred’s voice rang out, startling the two teens out from their fit of giggles. Jason cursed, earning a verbal slap on the wrist by the butler. Jason quickly tried to shove the bag of chips out of view but it was too late. He’d been too distracted by the show and it finally getting Halley to laugh out loud to have heard Alfred enter the room. Alfred eyed the bag, silently telling Jason he was disappointed but not surprised. He noticed the bag missing from the cabinet earlier when he was cooking. Looking less than impressed, Alfred spoke, “Master Bruce requests you show Miss Halley downstairs, he’d like to speak with the pair of you before dinner.”

           “Like downstairs, downstairs?” Jason asked, thrown off. Bruce was inviting her down to the Batcave?

           “I do believe that is what I said, Master Todd.” Alfred rolled his eyes, only ever calling the Robin’s last names when he was losing his patience with them.

           Jason stood up, turning the TV off not wanting to hear it from Alfred. He jerked his head towards the door, urging the girl to follow him. She gulped, quickly catching on to what downstairs meant. She felt her hands sweat as she trailed behind Jason down the hallway past the grand staircase, vaguely remembering her way around the manor. She’d never been down the hallway he turned down though, leading her to a library. He held the door for her, shutting it once they both stepped in. Jason felt nervous too, seeing as he hadn’t been allowed downstairs in nearly over a month now. Walking over to the piano, he hit the right keys, noticing Halley’s raised eyebrow. When the secret doorway disguised as a bookcase slide open, she jumped back before smirking.

           “That’s so cliché,” She looked at him before following him through the doorway. She looked back as it closed behind them. The sound of water running and the smell of stone entering her senses. Rocky walls surrounded them as she walked behind Jason down a metal spiral staircase.

           “Yeah, well so is Bruce.” Jason chuckled, smiling at being greeted by the familiar Batcave he grew to worship so much.

           “It’s literally a cave?” She almost questioned, not containing her smile as it came into full view. Her eyes scanned the room, taking in the tall walls and high ceilings. Below the walkway stood a hanger that held the Batmobile, Batplane and a couple of other models of vehicles. After escaping the warehouse as it exploded, she had gotten to ride in the Batmobile, but her tiredness and injures had gotten to her and she had passed out in the back seat, waking up the next day in her room upstairs. She hadn’t gotten to see any of this than.

           Her mouth hung open as her eyes continued to scan the large cave, her eyes stopping on a giant life size, statue of a t-rex and an a ridiculous oversized penny, along with other trophies of Batman’s adventures. Her eyes stopped on what she heard Dick called the Batcomputer, because of course that’s what it was called, as Jason grabbed her arm and began leading her down the walkway and towards where Bruce was standing next to Dick. Lining the wall along the walk had glass displays with different Batsuits and even some of Dick’s old Robin ones. She grinned when she saw the famous Robin leotard.

           “Pretty cool huh?” Dick walked over to her, a proud smirk present on his face as he watched her eyes trail over the suits.

           “Yeah,” she whispered. Looking at him teasingly, she jerked her thumb back to his old Robin costume. “You seriously wore that?”

           “Hey, don’t hate,” Dick scoffed, placing an arm on her lower back and guiding her towards Bruce.

           He sat in front of the large screens of the Batcomputer, overlooking different security videos displaying what appeared to be people loading and unloading boxes into trucks at the docks. Bruce had his chin resting on his hand before looking from the videos and towards the two teens he called down. Raising from his chair, Halley noticed how he was dressed in his costume minus the cowl.  He made his way over to Jason and Halley as Dick led them to him.

           “What’s that?” Jason looked at videos still playing before nodding towards Bruce.

           “Our mission for tonight.” He nodded, giving his signature smirk when he saw Jason’s eyes widened in excitement. Alfred gave Bruce the okay on Jason’s injuries, the wound looking worse for wear at first and healed nicely. He’d still have to be careful but he knew Jason was getting antsy and was ready to get back in the field. He turned his head to look at Dick, then down to Halley. “I want you three to eat well, it may be a late night. Bane’s got a new shipment of Venom arriving tonight. I want to get to it all before he gets it out on the streets. Come down as soon as you’re so we can get ready to head out.”

           “Wait,” Halley whispered, eyes raising to look at Dick. Did she hear Bruce right? “The three of us?”

           “Surprise!” Dick exclaimed, giving her a wide smile.

           Bruce shook his head at his eldest, opening his mouth to explain, “Your skills would be an asset to this team,” He said motioning between himself, Jason and Dick. “That is if you would like to join us. I understand if you’re not ready to go out into the field.”        

           Halley bit the inside of her cheek. No one’s ever complimented her abilities before and to have Batman be the first person to, she couldn’t help but feel thrown off. They must’ve thought she didn’t want to with the look on their faces due to her taking a few moments to process what Bruce just offered her. He offered her a spot on his team. She wanted to try at a normal life and by agreeing to this, all cards for that would be thrown off the table. But did she really want a normal life? She didn’t want to just go to school and come back to the manor and do nothing. What would she do with her life? She knew she’d get bored without some short of action. The handful of missions she went on with Dick and the Titans over the years made her think that maybe she could become a hero, like Nightwing and Batman.

           “But I don’t have anything to wear.” She managed to say lamely. There was no way in hell she was she going out in her father’s suit.

           “Got you covered,” Dick said breaking the silence, eager that she was saying yes. He crossed his arms against his broad chest, looking proudly at himself. He’d been working on this for the last week when she first came to him asking if she could go back to the manor. “I wanted to surprise you so I didn’t tell you I was making this. Kori helped with the sizing and stuff like that. I was going to make it look like a miniature Nightwing costume and you could’ve been like my sidekick, I thought it was a good idea, but the death glare Kori gave me when I suggested it told me it that was actually a bad idea.” He laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

           “You think,” Jason snickered, raising an eyebrow at the former Robin.

           Halley laughed to at Dick. Thank God for Kori, she thought. Rubbing her arms with her hands nervously she watched as Jason then walked over to computer, smirking as he was mentally preparing for the mission. He turned his attention to his suit in its case, feeling the adrenaline already start to begin.

           “Well, while you finish this up,” he started with a wave of his hand, “I’ve been coped up in this place for a month so I’m going to go stuff my face so we can head out.” He said walking past them. As he walked past Halley he stopped, patting her shoulder playfully, but she could sense he had some sort of sincerity to him, “Welcome to the family, dork.”  

           Halley blushed as her eyes followed him as he disappeared back up from where they came. Turning back to Dick who began leading her to show off the new costume real quick before they joined Jason upstairs. She couldn’t contain the smile from spreading across her face. Halley barely heard a word Dick said as he stopped them in front of a case that showed off the outfit. She took in its appearance, eyeing the clean Kevlar armor, staring down every detail.

           “I take it, I did a good job.” Dick’s voice cut her out of her trance.

           “Yeah, you did good.” She beamed, teasingly. Without warning she nearly tackled him into a hug, but he was strong enough so that she didn’t knock them over. Dick was only frozen for a minute before returning the hug. They’d been close but hugs from the girl where extremely rare so he enjoyed them when he got them. He only had been hugged by her two other times before. When they pulled away, she said thank you, looking up at him with big eyes.

           “Your welcome,” He smiled back, before leading her away and up the stairs. “Like Jason said, your family now. I mean-I already considered you family but now you’re like officially apart of the Batfamily-,”

           Halley rolled her eyes at him as she was brought upstairs and towards the dining room. Jason was already pigging out, being chastised by Alfred for his terrible table manners. Dick’s voice didn’t stop either, somehow managing to shout out different name ideas for her while still scoffing food down his throat.

           “She is not calling herself Nightbird,” Jason exclaimed in disgust. “She’s not your sidekick! She can probably kick your ass,”

           “What’s wrong with Nightbird? You like that name right?” Dick defended shooting Halley a look to back him up.

           Halley pulled a face as Alfred set a plate down in front of her. Her face wasn’t at the food and Alfred knew that. The pair shared a grimace, both having the same opinion of Dick’s name choice without having to say it out loud. She dug into her food, trying to think of a way to put it nicely, “it’s okay,” She managed to say, avoiding eye contact with him.

           “You don’t like it!” He sounded so betrayed.

           “It’s not that I don’t like-,”

           “You don’t have to baby him, Halley.” Jason cut in. “He’s a big boy,” He raised his fork to his chin, thinking. “No, you need a kick ass name. You’re basically a crazy deadly assassin, you need to sound terrifying.”

           Digging into her food she couldn’t help but smile to herself as the boys argued over what her code name should be. Any doubt she had about coming back here was gone as she just let herself enjoy the family meal, chuckling as Dick insisted that his names where way better and more appropriate than Jason’s. Munching away she had begun tuning them out, not worried about her name for now. It wasn’t that important and it would eventually come to her. As she cut another bit of steak though, her ears perked up at as something Jason said caught her attention.

           “That,” she pointed her knife at him with wide eyes,

           “Nightshade?” Jason questioned, looking at her excitingly,

           “Yeah,” She nodded, eagerly, but somewhat faltered, at the memory the name brought up. It wasn’t a terrible one, just not exactly a great one. When her father was teaching her about poisons, he said they were a woman’s weapon, for the incapable, But Halley didn’t agree. Poisons were strong and gave you a subtlety that guns and knives couldn’t. And she remembered admiring how beautiful certain poisonous plants had been, the shades of purples and blues in the Nightshade plant being her favorite.

           “Well it still had night in it so I’m satisfied with it,” Dick shrugged, trying to hid how annoyed he was that she liked Jason’s idea better.

           “Nightshade,” Jason repeated, getting used to the way it sounded. Teasingly, he leaned forward finishing the last bit off of his plate. “Eh, I don’t know, I think you’re too much of a dork for it. I don’t know if I’ll let you take my idea.”

           “Too late, it’s mine.” She narrowed her eyes, glaring at him. “You can’t just take it back,”

           He chuckled, pushing his seat out, so he could go down to the cave and get ready. He shot them both a look telling them to hurry up before leaving the room. Halley quickly stuffed her face with the rest of her steak pushing her own chair out and racing after Jason. She was now more than eager to get out and actually see the city. Dick watched after the pair of them, eyebrow cocking up as he saw her race to reach Jason in the hall in the doorway. She said something he couldn’t hear and couldn’t help but be curious due to Jason’s loud mock laugh, before he saw the new boy wonder playfully punching her shoulder.

           “Am I the only one slightly concerned about the trouble they’re going to get into?” He nodded towards the doorway, looking up at Alfred who had come to collect the teen’s plates. Their bubbling friendship, if you could call it that, clueing in on Dick.

          “No you are not, Master Dick,” Dick looked up as Alfred responding, finishing off his own food before now rushing to follow after the two teens.

[smallcowplant]

[ P A R T  T W O ]

my favorite thing is monsters (book one) by emil ferris 🧟‍♀️🔍🧛‍♀️

quick synopsis: adult (coming-of-age story from the perspective of a young girl, but definitely targeted at an older audience)/graphic novel. set in late 60′s chicago, the fictional graphic diary of ten year old karen reyes recounts her experiences as she tries to solve the murder of her beautiful and enigmatic upstairs neighbor, a holocaust survivor.

page count: 416

rating:★★★ (this is a hard rating for me...think 3.7-3.9....oscillating to a 4....4.2....I don’t know, man)

review: I keep doing this fun and cool thing where I buy a book without realizing it’s the first in an (unfinished) series, and then end up being cast woefully adrift by reality. that’s what I did with this one. purely based on the artwork alone, I can tell you that this book is a treat for the eyes. a lot is going on here, and there’s something so engrossing about being swept up into the chaotic pen strokes and colors. the story is an interesting one, and not entirely what you expect. the characters are all distinct and layered---really riveting people who feel near-painfully real. as the first book in a two (?) book series, it leaves off with the central (and now additional) mysteries unsolved---which leaves the reading experience feeling unfinished and kind of disjointed. I’m stuck in a bit of a confusing mid-zone with this one, where I truly....well, I can't say I enjoyed it, since this story is so much more than that? I was...fascinated? enveloped? I’ll be reading the next one, definitely.

one of us is lying by karen m. mcmanus 🥜🚓📱

quick synopsis: young adult/contemporary mystery/suspense. five students walk into detention. only four make it out alive. who did it...and who is lying?

page count: 361

rating:★★★ (firm 3.7)

review: the breakfast club....but with murder? if you’re down for that, you’ll enjoy this book! it certainly kept my attention. and MAN was this a suspenseful and super stressful read. (if you need a book that’ll make you go “wow, I’m glad I’m not in high school anymore”, this is it lol!) there’s a bunch of really interesting character studies going on in this one, and it definitely lends to a tense and involving read. the only reason the rating isn’t any higher is just that certain elements of it didn’t work...entirely...for me. that doesn’t mean that they were bad...just not what I...wanted? there’s two more books in this series, and while I’m not anxious to get my hands on them, I’m fairly sure I would read them!

murder at morrington hall: a stella and lyndy mystery by clara mckenna 🐎🍵💏

quick synopsis: adult/historical mystery. 1905. stella kendrick, a lively and confident american heiress, is tricked into an arranged marriage by her coldly ambitious father. her groom-to-be is viscount “lyndy” lyndhurst, who is both roughish and financially strapped. despite this rough beginning, they find themselves oddly drawn to each other. could they actually be a good match? however, all courtship is set aside when the pair discover the vicar who was  to marry them----dead in the library. now they must work together to solve the crime and find the culprit.

page count: 304

rating: ★★

review: ugh, it pains me to say, as I thought I was signing myself up for a fun turn-of-the-century murder mystery/romance...but this was just...meh. a meh story. I feel like it had potential to be an enjoyable, soapy romp with a dash of sensuality...but it was none of those things? (basically, I wanted a self-indulgent and delicious slice of chocolate cake...but I ended up with a week-old raisin muffin.) it didn't help that I had some issues with certain things the writer included. in particular, I REALLY didn’t like the equating of fat = mean/ugly and the repeated use of the word “bulbous” to describe certain characters noses----I had to do a quick google search to see what the hell the author was talking about. still not sure if she was trying to imply that the characters had rhinophyma/rosacea or just that they had bigger, “ugly” noses, but neither is good lmao. whenever you put a “plain/regular-degular person” with a big nose up against your array of stock White People™ characters with thin noses and angular faces, AND make those “plain” characters play the “wow, I’m so ugly but these characters are so pretty oh woe is me” bullshit in their inner monologue, I’m dipping. I’ve collected my paycheck, clocked out, left the building. (your story is already about a bunch of rich, straight, white people in 1905...I’m already skeptical, don’t test me. jk, but also not.) I’m fairly sure this would have caused a decent amount of people to DNF this book, but I’m a stubborn little bitch, and if I paid actual money for the hardcover copy at goddamn Barnes and Noble, I’m reading it. this is all to say that....if I’m being thrown out of enjoying your soapy historical murder mystery to gripe about random shit, there’s a problem. other than that? carpet was described a lot, the twist was decent, the romance was okay (no smut---or anything even vaguely close to romantic/sexual tension---and the kisses were not described at all, so I have no clue if either of them do more than press their lips together while admiring each others pale necks, but whatever), and the setting was the most interesting thing about this book (a crumbling english estate in the countryside?? sign me tf up). I won’t be reading anything more in this series, but that cover is pretty cool isn’t it? (I don’t know that the vase had anything to do with the story I read, but it does look really neat.) sidenote: hate to be a smarmy asshole, as I know full well how much work goes into writing, and I’m in no way trying to shame the author...this book just didn’t do it for me.

wilder girls by rory power 🌳🦷🥀

quick synopsis: young adult/horror/mystery. on an isolated island off the coast of maine, raxter school for girls is under quarantine. a mysterious disease has wracked the island, leaving teachers dead, students twisted and changed, and the woods that surround it dangerous and wild. while the disease consumes the island, the girls wait---for help, for the cure that was promised to them. but when hetty’s best friend disappears, she must venture out of the safety of the school, past the gate that separates them from the woods---and what she finds will change everything.

page count: 363

rating: ★★★★★

review: powerful, blistering, and utterly terrifying. that’s what immediately comes to mind when thinking about this book. I read it in a breakneck pace, devouring the whole thing in a feverish five? hour haze. once it was over, I sat bleary-eyed, the air around me feeling different than before, my hands tense and my stomach jumping. “you were a good one.” I said softly, kissing the spine. so yeah, it’s good. it’s very good. heartbreaking and awful and shockingly beautiful. this one hurts. I felt this one in my bones, in my soul. read it.

lovely war by julie berry 🌷💥💞

quick synopsis: young adult (but the youngest character is 18...so I think this could comfortably slot into adult)/historical (with a touch of fantasy). the intersecting stories of hazel, james, aubrey, and colette: a classical pianist from london, a british would-be-architect-turned-soldier, a harlem-born ragtime genius in the u.s. army, and a belgian orphan with a gorgeous voice and a devastating past----told by the goddess aphrodite, who must spin the tale or face judgment on mount olympus.

page count: 468

rating: ★★★★★

review: do you know how many times I CRIED while reading this book? because I certainly don’t! I lost track, as there are simply too many painful and beautiful things contained in this book. heart-wrenching, sumptuous and intoxicating, vivid in the best and worst ways, sharp and soft at the same time. I met my boyfriend while he was still active-duty military, so the wartime/seperation themes hit me very personally....but even without that, this book is excellent. expertly weaving together mythology and history in one gripping piece of art, it left me with a wistful smile on my face and a faint ache in my heart. it’s good. very good.

we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson 🏡💀🐱

quick synopsis: young adult? adult? who knows!/mystery/horror. mary katherine blackwood is eighteen years old and lives with her sister constance. she has often thought that with any luck at all she would have been born a werewolf, because the two middle fingers on both of her hands are the same length, but she has had to be content with what she has. she dislikes washing herself, and dogs, and noise. she likes her sister constance, and richard plantagenet, and amanita phalloides, the death-cup mushroom. everyone else in her family is dead.

page count: 146

rating: ★★★★ (4.5/4.6!)

review: delightfully creepy and utterly odd, with a full cast of extremely unlikable characters and one of the strangest protagonists I’ve ever read. at NO TIME did I have any idea where the story was going, which lead to an completely bizarre (but fun!) reading experience. twilight-zonian/gothic...but better. very eager to read more of shirley jackson’s catalogue, because that lady sure knew how to weave a tale. very glad I read this one.

sadie by courtney summers 📻👥🎙

quick synopsis: young adult (mc is nineteen, and imo I feel like this slides into adult tbh)/contemporary/true crime. told from the alternating perspectives of nineteen-year-old sadie, who runs away from home to find her younger sister’s killer, and a true crime podcast exploring sadie’s disappearance.

page count: 308

rating: ★★★ 

review: sad, awful, raw. that’s this book, simultaneously bright red and angry and deep blue, sadness upon sadness. this book reminds me of every true crime documentary I’ve ever watched---how it wraps itself up in a depressingly soft way, all the emptiness left behind and everything forever-changed. gives me the same icky voyeuristic feeling consuming any true crime content always leaves with me---this peculiar feeling of peering in to others heartbreak, of their horrors. this is a hard book. it’s difficult and not easy to stomach---and it never lets up. know that before you go in. what you may expect/want is NOT what you’ll get. and that’s the trueness of this book. I have my own personal feelings regarding the story, thus the three star rating, but that’s on ME. this book is incredibly well-written and insanely gripping. I finished it the same night I started reading it. if you want a gritty, intense read set in the very bleak reality of our world, this is your book.

FEBRUARY

BOOKS READ: 14

PAGES READ: 4225

# OF 2020 BOOKS READ SO FAR: 17/50

in reflection: my goal for this month was to read ten books, and I did that ...plus four more! so I’m pretty proud of myself, lol! there were a lot of stellar reads this month, and I had so much fun discovering them all! definitely a TON of new favorites to add to my bookshelf! :^)

disclaimer: all fourteen of the books I read this month include/focus on potentially triggering content, although they do fluctuate on the scale of intensity and subject matter. my wrap-up reviews do not contain spoilers/a comprehensive list of potential triggers. I urge everyone to do their own research regarding the content of these books if you’re interested in reading them, and I’m always available for questions. my reviews are just that, reviews, and books that work for me may not work for you (and vice versa).

[sunsetinmyvein]

I Know That I’ll Lose - Chapter Eleven - Might Stop (Me) You Bein’ Miserable

Her flight arrived at close to midnight a few days after they had chatted on the phone. Despite his usual hatred of airports, Matty felt like going to one this time was going to be worth it a lot more than all of those other times that he had been forced to be in one. So, he drove himself down, threw a beanie over his messy hair, pushed his way through the crowd, and waited patiently at the arrivals terminal. He could feel the excitement bubbling away in his brain. The rough plan was to see how things went in the first couple of days, then if it went well to take her on a proper date and tell her then. George had helped him a bit with what would probably be the best plan of action, as his first suggestion of ‘why can’t I just tell her as soon as she steps off the plane’ probably wasn’t exactly suitable. As soon as he saw her step out of the gate, he couldn’t help the grin that split across his face. All of his worrying over the last two weeks melted away. He had forgotten how much of a visceral reaction she had over him.

It was safe to say that as much as she was expecting to see Matty at the gate this time, she wasn’t expecting him to half-run over and pick her up in a hug when she was three steps into the terminal. It was strange after how evasive he had seemed only two weeks ago to see him now so clingy and open with how excited he was about her being in London with him. Not that she was complaining, she was just curious as to what had changed. He also seemed oddly jovial being in a place that he usually hated. It was also strange to see how tired Matty looked in the airport. The bags under his eyes seemed to rival the weight of her luggage, and it looked like he hadn’t shaved in a while.

“Are you doing all right?” She asked in concern after their initial greetings.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” He shot back over his shoulder as he ushered her back towards his car.

“You just…” It was hard for her to pinpoint what was off. He seemed entirely happy and like his usual self, but physically he looked run down. “You look like you’re pretty worn out.”

“I’ve never been better.” He grinned.

  On the way back to his place he talked about everything that had happened in the last couple of weeks, as well as everything that they were driving past (even though it wasn’t exactly easy to see these landmarks he was pointing out in the middle of the night) and also everything he was excited to show her while she was here. He didn’t get hyperactive like this super often, but it was endearing to see him so enthusiastic. They reached his front door, and she heard him take in a deep breath as he turned the key in the lock.

“This is my humble abode.” He stated proudly as he swung the door open. They took a few steps inside as she looked around.

“It doesn’t look very humble, Matty.” She noted, taking in the room. Everything was concrete. The floors, the walls, the ceilings, all of it. There were huge windows everywhere that she could only imagine let in a ridiculous amount of natural light during the day, the ceilings were very high with some exposed beams at the top, the decorating style was minimal but clearly to a certain refined and vintage sort of theme. “Minimalist maybe, but not humble.”

  As she stepped into the lounge room, the overwhelming smell of weed hit her nostrils. “Good lord, Matty. Are you trying to hotbox your house or something?”

He laughed loudly. “Sorry, I get used to it and forget other people aren’t.” He said as he opened a window. As the echo of pitter-pattering paws could be heard coming down the hallway, a massive smile found its way onto his face. “And this,” He started, turning in the direction of the sound. “is Allen!” He beamed as a large brown dog rounded the corner excitedly. After some love and praise from his owner, the bullmastiff came bounding up to her.

“How do you go about having a dog when you’re on tour all the time?” She questioned in between greeting the overzealous pooch.

“My mate Sam looks after him whenever I’m away. Which is most of the time, really.” He laughed honestly. “But it’s nice to be able to steal him back for a bit when I’m home.”

  Once Allen had calmed down about a new person being in the house, Matty continued his tour.  Despite that it definitely wasn’t a house she’d ever consider buying herself, objectively it was a very nice place. It was very… ‘Matty’, for lack of a better adjective. Eventually they arrived at his bedroom, which was literally just a bed, two small bedside tables and a guitar sitting in the corner. There was a slightly awkward pause in their tour as she was reminded of the bags in her hands.

“So… uh… where am I sleeping?” She asked hesitantly.

He gave a short chuckle. “Your room is down here.” He said as he motioned down the hall. The spare room looked much the same as his, just it didn’t have an ensuite attached. “It’s pretty late, so I’ll let you get settled and get some rest. Give me a shout if you need anything.” She nodded a bit as she hauled her bags into the room. “Oh, and,” He started, waiting until she turned back to him before he continued, “you know I always have an open-door policy in effect for you, love.” He added with a wink, only getting an eye roll in response. “G’night!”

  * * *

  In the light of day, his house was very bright and inviting. She had crashed pretty quickly after he left her to go to sleep, but was woken up at about eight once the sunlight started streaming in through the massive window opposite her bed. As she got up and padded around the house looking for her friend, she got a better look at the way he chose to surround himself when he was at home. The décor matched Matty to a tee, and it was nice to finally see things that he regularly mentioned like his favourite books and his vinyl. She was greeted by Allen first, before she finally found him sitting in his small courtyard, an open book sitting on his knee and a cup of tea in his hand. It reminded her of when she had been watching him in the studio a few weeks ago, he just seemed so peaceful and in his element. He glanced up as she approached the patio doorway.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t think you’d be up yet.” He smiled as he shut the book and put it on the table next to him. “I didn’t wanna wake you too early in case you were jetlagged.” He added as she took a seat next to him. The morning air was chilly, but sitting in the sun outside made it a lot more tolerable.

“Your house has too many windows for me to sleep in too much.” She chuckled. He nodded in understanding as he took a sip from his mug.

“I like it bright. Helps stop me from feeling overwhelmed about being cooped up and stuck inside when I’m at home for long periods.” He explained with a shrug.

  “So, what’s on the agenda for today?” She asked.

“I figured I could show you around a bit, and then I think the guys are wanting to come ‘round in the evening. They’re super keen to have you here, too.” He suggested, that eager smile returning that she had seen a lot last night. “Or if you weren’t up for that, we could just stay in and binge trashy TV shows.” He offered with a laugh.

“It’d be nice to see what Matthew Healy’s usual haunts are.” She replied.

He quirked an eyebrow at the use of his full name, but pressed on. “Sounds like a plan. If you wanna start getting ready, I’ll work out where we can hit up today.” He said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket to do some quick googling. It took a few minutes to find where the guest bathroom was located in his house given that pretty much every single room looked the same at first, and then quite a few more minutes to work out where the hell Matty kept any spare towels considering he had barely any cupboards anywhere, but eventually she was on the right track to being presentable after a long-haul flight. He’d stopped her before she’d gone to make herself any breakfast, suggesting they go to one particular location first that would tackle that issue for her.

  After locking up the house, they headed in the direction of stop number one. Everything about London was quite starkly different from anywhere else in the world that she had been. The architecture and history were fairly prominent everywhere you looked. It surprised her slightly that it was only after a couple of minutes walking that Matty motioned to a building, saying that this was where they had been heading. “I don’t drink a lot of it, but this is my favourite coffee shop.” He said as they stopped in front of a little hole-in-the-wall café. The only sign to alert someone that this place might serve hot beverages was a tiny plaque next to the doorway. “It’s a bit rubbish, really. But it’s quiet and I can get stuff done here if I’m not getting anythin’ done at home.” He shrugged with a laugh as he held the door open for her. It had a very homely feel inside. The lighting was warm and inviting, the shop smelled of fresh brewed coffee and baked goods, there was a couch by the door. It had all the signs of a good café. But he was right about it being quiet. There were only six tables in the narrow building and none of them were occupied. They sat down at the table furthest away from the door as she flipped through the simple menu that they had on offer. Once they worked out what they wanted from their limited options, they placed their orders - which were currently the only things being prepared and thus arrived at their table very quickly. Her growling stomach thoroughly approved of this.

  The food wasn’t bad at all, and the coffee itself was pretty damn good. Clearly Matty’s standards of a good coffee shop were a lot higher than her own. As they chipped away at their late breakfast, his overexcitable demeanour and sudden invitation for her to come out here played on Y/N/N’s mind. It felt like something had shifted. Not something major, but enough of a something to make Matty act slightly different than usual. And as much as Matty had said that he would see her soon whenever they’d finished up the tour, she knew full well that Matty said a lot of things he didn’t necessarily follow through with. So, she hadn’t really expected it to be this soon. Or at his house.

“How come you invited me out here?” She asked curiously as she took a sip of her coffee.

“Well, I’ve seen your place, it’s only fair you see mine.” He lied. This didn’t seem like the right time to blurt out ‘Hey, turns out I’ve actually been into you for a really fucking long time and just didn’t realise it. Surprise!’ He figured that could wait until later. “And it worked well with our downtime. I’d finished all the stuff I wanted to get done at home.” He added. At least that part wasn’t a lie. He couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t seem satisfied with that answer.

“Fair enough.” She nodded, deciding to drop it. For now, anyway.

“Are you enjoying it so far?” He asked, trying to keep his excitement about having her here from boiling over.

“I’ve been here for all of about nine hours, Matty.” She chuckled.

“Oh… Yes. That’s fair.” He said with a light laugh. 

  As soon as they had finished up, a waitress came over to clear away their dishes. She was surprised to see that no payment was exchanged before they left, until Matty explained that whenever he’s home, he just opens a tab with them and pays it off before he goes on tour again. “What’s next?” She asked.

“Allen’s favourite spot, c’mon.” He grinned, all but jumping out of his skin in excitement. They walked for about fifteen minutes before they approached a small, fenced in park. It wasn’t a huge amount of space, but for what it lacked in area it more than made up for in scenery. The dense foliage around the fence line made it seem a lot bigger than it actually was once you were inside, as it covered up the boundaries. There was a man-made creek in the middle of it that flowed from the higher side of the park down to the lower, with trees scattered along the edges. It had a couple of walking trails along the outside of the park that all met up in the middle, which had flower beds and benches intermittently placed along them. It was a very calming spot.

“This place is really beautiful.” She said in awe.

“I really love it. It’s so serene.” Matty chimed in, before being interrupted by a dog loudly barking on the other side of the park. “When there’s less dogs, anyway.” He added. “Allen loves to jump into that damn river and it’s so fucking muddy in there.” Matty laughed loudly. “Every time I take him here, I have to be prepared to bath him when we get home.” He said as he walked over to one of the benches and took a seat.

“Do you come here often without him?” She questioned.

“Sometimes.” He said with a shrug. “But I don’t often find the time to. Allen makes me find time.”

  They spent a bit of time in the park chatting. Matty mostly told stories of the many naughty things that Allen had done as a rebellious teenager in this park, which included hopping the fence numerous times. Their conversation pushed them through into the early afternoon.

“We probably have enough time for one more spot.” He said as he slid his phone back into his pocket after verifying the time.

“Sure, let’s get going then.” She grinned. So far, she was enjoying this short tour of Matty’s version of London. It felt like she was getting to know him a little better, and it was nice to feel like they were still close after how ignored she had felt at the tour after party. The last place on their list was back in the direction that they had originally come, but nearly half an hour’s walk away from the park. And she had to admit that when they got there, it was fairly underwhelming. “A studio? Really?” She asked with a roll of her eyes.

“It’s not on the list for the reasons you might think.” He challenged with a laugh as he unlocked the door and ushered her inside. It had a very similar layout to the studio that they had used while on tour, but she supposed designing something like this was probably a case of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ They walked through the building towards the back until they came to a staircase. After three flights, they finally reached a door. “You ready?” He asked as he started turning the doorknob, a look of childish glee on his features.

“I mean… I guess?” She was suddenly unsure about what she had agreed to. Ready for what?

  It turned out that the doorway lead through to the roof. From this spot, they had a pretty clear view across the city. She had to admit that it was just a tad impressive.

“If we’ve been here all day recording and end up going into the night, the view from up here is spectacular.” Matty explained with a nostalgic look in his eyes.

“I can only imagine.” She said with a nod, trying to take in the vast landscape.

“Coming up here also helps me clear my head if I’m stuck on something in the studio.” He continued. “It’s not quite as nice as the studios we’ve hired out in the countryside. Those are proper scenic. But this definitely gets the job done.” He finished with a chuckle. A few quiet minutes passed between them as they both took in the sights, before Matty’s constant need to fill the silence reared its head. “So?” He asked eventually, looking at her expectantly.

“What?” She asked back with a frown.

“Do my ‘usual haunts’ live up to the hype?” He elaborated, the morbid curiosity coming through in his voice.

“I guess they’re okay.” She shrugged, but the joking smile betrayed her nonchalance. “They’re really nice.” She admitted. “You seem to have some really good spots sorted out.”

A proud grin quickly found its way across his features. “You enjoyed your day, then?” He questioned.

“I would’ve enjoyed my day regardless of what we did.” She answered. For the first time, he was able to recognise the uncomfortable feeling in his chest at her comment and pin it down as not being a bad thing. Rather, it just spurred on his endless enthusiasm.

  Seeing Matty so open and vulnerable was starting to throw her a bit off balance. He was usually filled with a mix of arrogance, sarcasm, humour, suggestive comments and maybe just a little bit of honest emotion. But since she stepped off that plane it was a hell of a lot more of the latter compared to anything else. First, he invited her into his home, then he was constantly sincerely enthusiastic about her company, and now he was showing her his favourite spots in London. It wasn’t exactly a part of his usual demeanour around her to be so genuine. He’d said so himself that he liked that he didn’t have to be on his best behaviour in her company. As she stared out at the city laid before them, she had to wonder what the hell had happened to the Matty she spent the last six weeks with. She’d missed him like crazy over the last fortnight and now she was second-guessing if she really knew this man at all.

“I’d really like to show you more, if there was more time.” He added the last part of his sentence like it reminded him of something. The faraway look he got in his eyes when he said it made her want to ask him about it, but he kept talking before she got the chance. “But we’d better be getting back. The boys will be heading ‘round soon.” He huffed with purpose as he started heading back towards the door.

  They got back to his house shortly before the sun started setting. Which unfortunately didn’t leave them a huge amount of time between when they arrived and when the rest of the band were set to rock up. It wasn’t long at all before there was a knock at the door and Matty jumped up from the couch to answer it. When he came back, the crew were all together. It made her smile to see the four of them all in the same room again. The world felt a little bit more complete when they were together. But she didn’t have long to process that thought as she heard her name being called from every which direction by the three missing members of The 1975. They quickly poured into Matty’s lounge room and started wrapping her up in hugs.

“It’s only been a couple of weeks.” She pointed out, slightly surprised at how intense her welcome was turning out to be.

“Yeah, but it was weird not seeing you after seeing you every day for six weeks.” George said with a pout.

“There’s been nobody here to keep Matt in line. You have been sorely missed.” Ross laughed loudly.

“Hey, lay off.” Matty chuckled as he shoved the bassist’s shoulder playfully.

  Once a few quick greetings were given, and some money was exchanged between Ross, Adam and George for some reason, the alcohol and snacks were unloaded on Matty’s kitchen counter. Anyone would’ve assumed that they were throwing a party for two dozen people for how much stuff had been brought over. But Adam reassured her that they were very big on having options available. They decided that it would be a nice evening to sit outside in the courtyard and play cards, so once drinks were in hand, they all began making their way to the outdoor table. Matty and Y/N/N were the last to get their beverages, mostly because he just couldn’t decide what to pour. Eventually he settled on something worthy enough for his liver and made a drink, only to offer it to her first.

“Get drunk with me.” He said as he held the glass out to her.

“Sure, I’ll have a drink with you.” She shrugged as she reached out to take it. He pulled his hand back slightly.

“That’s not what I said.” He pointed out. She mulled over his words for a moment.

“You really want to get wasted on a Monday night?” She frowned with a light laugh.

“It’s not like we have any plans tomorrow.” He reasoned.

“I suppose…” She hummed thoughtfully, before deciding that there was really no reason not to. “All right, then.”

  After a few hours sat around Matty’s small outdoor table, their catch up was over and drinks were flowing nicely. A few drinking games had been played to try and keep everyone from feeling the bite in the air and to keep conversation alive. Y/N/N had passed the point of tipsy a little while ago, but the rest of the band still seemed a few steps behind her. Matty, true to his word of getting drunk together, was matching drink for drink but she supposed that maybe he just held his alcohol better than she did. The boys were playing some card game that she had long since lost interest in, so she had opted instead to watch something more interesting - Matty. She had rested her head across her arm on the table, partially to be able to stare at him uninterrupted, and also in part to try and help with the spinning in her brain. He had the stub of a joint sitting in between his fingers as he idly stared at the cards in his hand. Every now and again he took a drag on it and blew the smoke upwards, trying occasionally to make rings above him. He would watch them dissipate into the night sky before attempting again. His hair was half falling into his face despite his best attempts to keep it back. That fucking fluffy mop of hair. It was going to be the death of her. A little voice in the back of her brain felt like it would probably feel pretty pleasant to run a hand through it. Maybe that was why he did it so often. The rest of the band were still deep in conversation, to which he threw in the odd remark every now and again. She was enjoying just having the moment to study him. If she stared at him for this long when he was actually paying attention, he would’ve given her shit for it a good few minutes ago. His movements all seemed calculated as he played his cards and planned his replies, the expression in his dark brown eyes shifting from relaxed to concentrated whenever he had to do something.

  Everything about him was just constantly dragging her in, and it was safe to say that she had taken the bait. Hook, line and sinker. She’d been dying to see him after how they left things on tour. Especially after the fact that she had just been about to finally give him what he wanted. It was like she’d finally allowed herself the chance to be openly interested in him, only to have to cram her feelings back up again. His offer to come out here certainly hadn’t been unwelcome, it was just unexpected. That coupled with his sincerity since she arrived was both heart-warming and also mildly disconcerting as she couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. But at that moment, all she could think of was how happy she was right now. To be here with him, and their friends, in his house, after a day of being shown his favourite nooks and crannies of London. He seemed to be going out of his way to give her a good day. This was a Matty that she only ever saw glimpses of most of the time. As that thought crossed her mind, he glanced down at her to check that she was okay. Considering that he hadn’t heard anything from her in a little while he was slightly worried that she had passed out or something, but he was surprised to find her staring back up at him. He raised an eyebrow in curiosity, but she just continued watching him, now not looking away from his gaze.

“What?” He eventually asked.

“I’m super into you.” She answered honestly.

  For a brief moment, he was fairly certain that the planet physically stopped spinning and that time stood still. He let out a short laugh in disbelief at her blunt response to try and cover up his rapidly increasing pulse. The alcohol had been intended to loosen up his own tongue about internalised feelings, not hers. “Really?” He asked, grabbing his phone off of the table and holding it towards her. “Can you just say that again into this recording device so that I can play it back to you when you’re sober?”

“Sober me knows it too.” She said with a nod. The wave of relief that washed over him at hearing those words was unparalleled. He choked back his feelings for a minute to continue his train of thought.

“Then why doesn’t sober you ever fucking admit it?” He asked as he reached out and tapped her forehead.

“You have a big enough ego as it is.” She said as she waved her hand dismissively in his direction. He couldn’t deny that was a solid argument. “And also admitting it means having difficult conversationsssss.” She added, slurring her words slightly.

He frowned at that. “I mean, it doesn’t have to.”

“It does. It does for me.” She said with a nod. “I’m gonna get another drink.” She declared as she stood up and walked inside. Matty watched her carefully, noticing the slight stumble in her step. He threw his cards face up onto the table, following her into the house.

“Guess he’s not coming back.” Ross chuckled.

“I’m taking his chips.” George said quickly before anybody could stop him.

  “Conversations like what?” Matty asked as he pulled the glass door shut behind him and followed her into the kitchen.

“Like where we end up after I say that.” She explained as she glanced over all of the bottles of liquor spread across the counter.

Fuck. That was pretty much Matty’s number one worry as well. But he wasn’t about to let that stop him from at least trying. “Why do we have to think ten steps ahead?” He asked, racking his brain for an actual end game plan. “Can’t we just… start with step one?” He offered, seeing her go for the bottle of vodka and moving to grab the coke for her.

“Step one is a slippery slope to step ten.” She shot back with a pointed look.

“I promise I’ll slam on the breaks at step five.” She gave a light laugh at his joke as she poured her drink. “Really though, would it be so bad to see where it takes us?” He questioned, leaning against the counter.

She sighed as she put the coke back into the fridge. “But you still don’t have any idea where that might be, Matty.”

“Why’s it up to me?” He huffed as he pulled a hand through his hair. Why did he have to be the one making the big calls all the time?

“Because you’re the one in the world-famous band who has to work and travel all the time.” She had a valid point. “You need a plan about how to make that work.”

  She started heading back towards the door to continue chatting with the rest of the boys, only to feel Matty’s hand catch her wrist and pull her back towards him.

“Wait, I-” He started, feeling like he had more to say before this conversation was left to drunken half-memories. But for a man who was usually so eloquent with his words, his mouth was running dry now. And as the seconds ticked by in silence the tension in the air just continued to grow. He glanced down at his hand still on her wrist, wanting to find the solution to all of this that would instantly fix his problems and stop this burning feeling in his chest. It was almost definitely the alcohol talking but she was finally fucking over waiting and dealing with the constant flirting. So, she leaned in to kiss him, thinking now was at last the time to just give in. Just get it over with. Let herself be into him. Let herself act on it. Only to feel his hand on her shoulder holding her back. As much as he had been dying for this - her, it hadn’t exactly been his intention to make a move when she had just made it clear that she was waiting on him. He couldn’t let her throw herself under the bus like that, not after he knew how much she had already had to drink. He flashed her an apologetic look. “Sorry, love. That wasn’t…” Fuck, why couldn’t he just get the words out? “Not right now.”

“Why?” She frowned, eventually finding herself laughing. “It’s you who’s been pushing this for the last six months.” 

“We are definitely not on the same level of inebriation right now.” He said with a small chuckle. “Another time.” He promised.

  As soon as they stepped back outside, George could feel the awkward atmosphere that wafted out with them. He hadn’t quite heard what they’d been saying at the table before they went inside, but knowing Matty’s intentions when he invited her out here, it was probably safe to assume the topic. As opposed to letting his two friends stew over whatever had just transpired George got to quick work on changing the topic and including them in the conversation to get their minds off of it. Within a few minutes the vibe in the room had gone back to what it was at the start of the night. Drinks continued into the early morning before one by one people started putting themselves to bed. The rest of the band decided to crash at Matty’s place to save themselves trying to get home while they were shitfaced. Ross passed out on the lounge, Adam managed to make his way to the empty spare room, George found somewhere or other to rest his head. Which left just Y/N/N and Matty sat outside finishing off their last drinks. Their conversation earlier in the night wasn’t playing on their minds as much as it would be if they were sober, but it still sat somewhere in the back of their brains, waiting to be addressed. Matty decided that would be best left until tomorrow.

  He took the last sip of his drink before setting the glass on the table. “Ready to call it a night?” He asked, stifling a yawn.

“Mmm… sure.” She muttered with a shrug. “You gotta carry me, though.”

He gave an incredulous laugh in response. “I have to what?”

“Carry me.” She repeated.

“Why on earth would I do that?” He asked as he stood up from his chair, feeling his head spin for a moment before he felt sure of his feet. That last joint probably wasn’t wise.

“Because I’m too drunk to navigate your treacherous staircase back to my room.” She explained with a pout. He looked down at her, feeling his resolve quickly crumble around him.

“I’ll help you; I’m not carrying you.” He offered as he held his hand out to her to help her up.

“Fiiiiiine.” She huffed as she took his hand. He wrapped an arm around her and tried his best to manage not one, but now two drunk people getting up his concrete stairs. After much laughter and stumbling, they managed to make it to the first floor of his house.

  He led her back to the spare room that she was set up in, making sure that she was safely on the bed before pulling his arm away.

“Let me know if you need anything.” He said as she kicked her shoes off and crawled into bed.

“Where are you going?” She asked when he started making his way out.

“My room?” He answered with a confused frown.

“Why?” She questioned as she rolled over. He didn’t really know how to answer that. “You should just stay here.” She mumbled with her face half in the pillow. Fucking hell. First the kiss and now this? It was taking every ounce of his self-restraint and sense of standards to not just say yes. Was this what she had felt like whenever he pulled shit like this on tour?

“Not tonight.” He chuckled as he switched the light off. “Sleep well.”

Last Chapter

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[necrowriter]

monday thing: april 27th (the myriad challenges of growing)

it is the last Monday in April, warm and sunny today after a cool, wet weekend. many of the trees in the back woods were hit badly by a late, hard frost, which has made the view outside my window look oddly like early hot autumn. there are so many young green leaves gone brown and dead. the poplar tree in particular is all over brown and I worry about it. but today there is a lot of green out there glowing soft in the sun, so I will take that as a good sign.

it seems like a good day to think about gardening.

for a lot of my life I have thought of myself as having a black thumb, unable to grow anything. I kept plants in my dorm rooms all throughout college, lined up on sunny windowsills and carefully packed back and forth at the end of every semester. some of them lasted longer than others, but they all died in the end. I still remember bemoaning the loss of a mint plant to a friend and getting the incredulous response how did you kill mint?

during my last semester I had a labor position at the college greenhouses. for reasons too lengthy and bothersome to go into here, I had to stay on an extra semester in the fall and graduated in December. also for entirely different reasons too lengthy and bothersome to go into here, I was determined to not spend that semester working in the same place I'd been in for the last several semesters. the greenhouses weren't my first choice, but it was the first one that was willing to accept someone coming in new for only one semester.

bit of a misnomer, that: the 'greenhouses' were one glass greenhouse, several plastic hoop houses, and a few assorted small fields, along with a processing and packing building; a small shed-like building with a bathroom, an office, a sink and a fridge where we kept water bottles and a pitcher of gatorade; and a clearing in the woods that was home to a truly enormous amount of compost-in-progress. they grew produce and herbs, which were either sold locally or used by the college cafeteria.

working there left an impression on me, I think.

it was hard work, and I'm not a very physically sturdy kind of person. I also have no tolerance for heat, and more of that semester was hot than it wasn't; it was worst at the beginning, in late August, where I often found myself out working in the mid-90s, a temperature range I can barely abide sitting still in. even when the hottest days were past, that tail-end of summer clung on tight for a long time afterward. days warm enough to need a cold wet bandanna tied around my head popped up well into November.

it brought out a fear in me that is rarely far away: of falling behind, being lazy, not being up to the task. I was sure that I would find myself getting told off for not working hard enough, or accused of shirking. but it didn't happen.

"it is pretty hot out here," my supervisor said when I started getting sick on one of my first days on the job, out picking tomatoes with her in one of the fields. "you better go sit in the truck for a bit and drink some water. don't pass out on me."

I sat in the truck and drank some water, and did not pass out. we finished picking the tomatoes, and went back and sat outside the office-shed and drank cold gatorade. never in my life had gatorade tasted so good.

the other thing I discovered was that I liked gardening.

it seems a bit of a cliche but I was surprised to find how much satisfaction I got from watching seeds that I had planted start to sprout, or helping harvest enough butternut squash to fill up the back of the pickup truck. I worked through podcasts and audio books while weeding plots in the hoop houses or washing and boxing sweet potatoes alone in the packing house on a cold Saturday morning. I helped plant things, and water things, and pick things. it was hard sometimes, but I was able to do it.

then I graduated, packed up the houseplants from my dorm room windowsill, and went home, and watched them die.

well, I suppose a part of it's this: when you're having a hard enough time looking after yourself, it's perhaps not surprising to find yourself struggling to look after anything else as well.

sometimes it's easier. sometimes you need to look after something else; sometimes watching something else grow gives you what you just don't get from the care and keeping of your own self. but sometimes it just becomes another task on a list that already feels too long to bear.

but there have been other obstacles, and it's only in looking back now that I'm starting to piece together what they were.

so let's talk about ADHD and houseplants.

it wasn't something I knew I was dealing with while I cried over homework and watched my plants die on the windowsill in college. depression and anxiety, sure. I figured that much out well before I was ever actually diagnosed with either one. but ADHD was not a consideration at the time. sometimes I would look at a list of symptoms and think could it be...? but then I would shake my head, close the tab, and admonish myself that surely having ADHD did not look like getting straight As and showing up to all your classes on time, no matter how many anxiety spirals you went down at one in the morning.

so if I didn't realize ADHD was a problem there, you can bet I didn't realize it might have anything to do with the plants. I just kept admonishing myself over and over: come on, just remember to water them. is that really so hard? surely you can do it if you try.

when I finally got my diagnosis I started thinking: well. hm. maybe that explains something.

memory is the most obvious thing that comes to mind. remember to water them, or remember that you did water them so don't do it again now or they'll drown. remember to put this one out in the sun, and take that one away. did you repot that one like you were going to? no, you didn't, and it's been a week. have you ever fertilized any of these? lord! I'll do it when I've finished this paper. it's half past midnight. I'm going to bed.

etc.

but--like most things that have to do with ADHD, as I've been perpetually discovering the past two years--it's a bit more complicated than that.

you get a plant. you saw it at Lowe's, or Wal-Mart, or Trader Joe's, or the nursery while your mom was buying tomatoes, and you knew you probably shouldn't have, but you couldn't resist. you want to try again. you always want to try again. so now you have a plant, and you don't know much about gardening but you at least know that the tight little plastic pot it came in is probably not optimal growing conditions for anything, so you'd better do something about that.

only, you don't know what this particular plant needs and you don't have anyone on hand to ask. so you have to look it up. you google it. (if you're lucky enough to know what it is--if not, you have to find out, setting you back even further.) you find several websites with information about this plant. you open one. you stare at it. you go back and look at another one. you stare at that one for a while too. the information is not entering your brain. all of these websites seem to have slightly different information. you try to coalesce this mix of information into a series of steps you can follow and fail utterly. at this point you probably close your laptop and, now too frustrated to think about this anymore, decide you'll get back to this later.

(you probably will not.)

ADHD makes it hard to do anything that requires a series of steps. on bad days, this includes things like making lunch or taking a shower. you sit there thinking about how many different things you have to do to make a sandwich (get the bread out, get the peanut butter out, get a knife, get a plate, put the peanut butter on the bread, god, it never ends) and each step feels like its own task entirely and it's just too damn much to even think about so you sit there and scroll tumblr endlessly while getting progressively hungrier and crankier.

that difficulty increases tenfold if the steps required aren't clear to you. if you have to actually work out what they are yourself? and then go do them?

forget it!

and then--and then!--you have to retain that information. you have to remember for each plant: this is what it needs, and this is what I need to do and this is when I need to do it. the plant is not much help in this regard. the plant will not shout at you in the morning like a hungry cat, nor will it pop up a handy notification telling you when it is too dry or too wet or has had too much sun or not enough. certainly there are some indications it will give you--but you have to know how to read those, too, which brings us back to the first problem.

the amount of information you need to be able to keep in your head about a plant may not seem like very much. certainly it apparently isn't to many people, or we wouldn't have gardens in the first place. but ADHD doesn't tend to give you a choice about what knowledge you're going to be able to hold onto well enough for any of it to be useful. sometimes you can read up on something and then the moment you look away from the page, it's gone. sometimes you can take in the information, but will only be able to recall it at erratic times, which will almost never be when you actually need to do so. and sometimes you will absorb an astounding amount of information, but this will almost always be about something like Pokemon which has fairly limited applications for everyday life. if I could remember and reliably access as much information about my plants as I can about the making of the Lord of the Rings movies, I'd never be in this mess in the first place.

suffice to say, while remembering to water the dang things was a significant problem, it certainly wasn't the only one.

and that, I eventually realized, was why I could garden just fine at the college greenhouses, but couldn't seem to do so on my own. it wasn't--as I'd started to suspect--that I had some foul curse on me that killed everything I touched. I didn't radiate something that killed off any plants in my radius. and I wasn't incapable of doing the tasks required, or of understanding what those tasks were and why they were important. it was figuring it all out for myself, and then remembering it, that was getting in my way. when I showed up to work at the greenhouses, I was told what I needed to do that day, and if I didn't know how to do it, I'd be told that. and, barring the occasional problem of heat sickness or sensory overload while dumping food waste in the compost piles, I could go do the job just fine.

when I look back at that semester, I realize it didn't only teach me that I could do gardening, and get enjoyment out of it. one thing I will tell you about why I left my previous labor position: part of why I was miserable there is that I often wasn't given clear instructions--sometimes not any instructions--and thus spent a lot of time feeling miserably incompetent and behind everyone else. I'd have to choose between asking for clarification on something I seemed to be expected to know how to do, or risk doing it wrong and getting told off for it.

god bless my supervisor at the greenhouse! before giving me any new task she'd check to make sure I knew and fully understood what to do. she made it clear that I could ask questions, and if I did misunderstand something she didn't take me to task for it, just explained what I'd done wrong and how to do it right. it has become a valuable experience to have had as I am still trying to work out what I need to do things without so much pain and anguish over it.

when it comes to gardening, I don't have much in the way of answers yet. I don't know the secret key to dealing with all of these problems well enough to keep my houseplants alive and healthy. I'm still working on that. I'm sure there is an answer. I suspect it may involve a lot of writing things down, and possibly a lot of sticky notes with "WATER ME" written on them.

but I think--for all that I have tried and failed at this many times by now--

I think I'd like to try again.

so maybe I will plant some flowers this week.

and we will see what happens.