#always been a dog person

[deer-daughterx]

[aetherdecember]

Look, I love BBC Merlin and how they told the lore, but I’m a sucker for the relationship between Arthur and Mordred in the mythology. Specifically, I love how Mary Stewart (author of The Arthurian Saga**) and Nancy Springer (author of I Am Mordred**) wrote about the father/son relationship between them. So naturally, my brain has been conjuring up how I can include that in my Flipping the Coin au.

Since the main premise is Merlin died/Arthur lives, and now Arthur is the one waiting for Merlin to come back, things would stay consistent with canon up to the last episode (when Merlin flips the coin of their destiny and sacrifices himself so Arthur can live and thus stop Camlann from happening altogether). Which is where this idea will start:

Gwen is barren. She and Arthur never have kids. Eventually, everyone Arthur knows and loves dies. He can’t rule Camelot forever, and after Gwen’s death, he no longer wants to, so he fakes his death and wanders off figure out why he’s still here. He never gets an answer for that. Arthur spends the next millennium waiting. He keeps living. He meets people, experiences things he’d never experienced before, and learns things he’d never dreamed of learning. He can’t stay anywhere long, or else suspicions will rise, but he gets to see the world change, how technology advances, and witness humans continuing to be humans. When war breaks out, he joins the battle. It’s familiar. The rush of adrenaline is the same whether he’s wielding a sword or a gun. Only, he can’t see the enemy’s face anymore.

Peace comes again. At some point, he sleeps with a woman, and she happens to become pregnant. Bisexual disaster that he is, he’s had all sorts of partners from both sexes, but has never had this happen, even before the advent of reliable birth control. Later, he’ll learn her name is Morgause. She doesn’t look like the Morgause he knew before, nor does she act like her, but her name haunts him. After the baby is born, she gives him to Arthur, says she has no intentions of being a mother, and leaves. The last thing she had said to him was the baby’s name.

Mordred.

That night, Arthur holds Mordred and weeps.

There is irony in his son being named Mordred. First, in that the legends surrounding him, Merlin, Camelot, the Knights of the Round Table, and all of it, had long ago decided Mordred was his son. And two, in a retelling of that legend, it had aptly phrased what he sensed was happening now. Granted, he isn’t a sorcerer, he doesn’t have magic, so he can’t support his feeling with anything other than he’d been around a long time and knew to his very core that it was true. Mordred’s birth is a signal of the beginning of the end.

Fatherhood brings him a new sense of purpose. Gone are the days of loneliness and drudgery. Every day with Mordred brings a new light into his life. Each smile is a miracle. Seeing Mordred experience things for the first time brings a new appreciation. Being there to watch him grow makes time fly like it never has before. But Arthur is afraid. He doesn’t want to be his father. He doesn’t know how to be a father, or what the right way to do it is. In all the years he’s been on the Earth, he’s never known a man who could concretely say, “This is the way to raise a son,” and actually reap the fruits of their efforts. Too frequently, he’d seen sons grow outside of the visions their fathers molded for them and receive only disappointment and disdain in return. So he was afraid, because he too had been that son.

*cue a series of fluffy father/son one shots of Arthur raising Mordred until Merlin comes back, takes one look, and is is like WTF????? No, I won’t have Mordred for a step son >:(*

**Mary Stewart and Nancy Springer have several other works, not just the stories I mentioned. The ones mentioned are the ones I’m pulling inspiration from ^^

Additional notes below the break:

Guinevere’s barrenness is not a headcanon I typically subscribe to for BBC Merlin. My headcanon is that after Arthur’s death, Gwen gives birth, and their child eventually succeeds her as ruler.

I’ve always seen Mordred’s appearance as the harbinger of Arthur’s downfall. Thus, the reason for the plot bunnies in my brain going crazy with this idea of how I could bring him in, still remain mostly canon compliant with BBC Merlin, and build off some of my favorite parts of the lore. (Mandatory disclaimer: for BBC Merlin, I don’t headcanon Mordred as Arthur’s son. But for the mythology, I do wholeheartedly support that canon.)

Arthur’s choice to participate and live once Camelot is gone is a decision to contrast my headcanon of how Merlin handled it. I don’t think Merlin thrived. I think he stayed busy, and tried to remain hopeful, but I think he was anxiously consumed with the anticipation of wondering when Arthur would come back. In this au, Arthur may or may not know that Merlin is supposed to come back (I’m still working on that detail), but he’s always been around others. I think he would seek camaraderie, and companionship, and that he would connect with others but only to a superficial level. I don’t think he’d exist in a void of loneliness. Plus, he doesn’t have the guilt of knowing he failed because the pressure from the prophecy is very one sided *coughcough*causemerlinnevertoldhim*coughcough*

Anyways, that’s enough rambling from me about this. I’ll probably share some snippets of writing next because there are some fantastic scenes coming together in the draft so stay tuned! ;D

[puppyeared]

i also have unaddressed therian feelings… sometimes i feel like a creature looking out from a human’s body yk

i get what u mean..!! im still trying to understand it too, but im happy to finally have a word that describes the feeling. i cant say for sure what will help u come to terms with your feelings, but i think its good to find people who will listen and take it seriously ^_^

[beesgav]

Since he built the Arcadia seemingly from nothing I think it stands to reason that Tochiro also programmed its operating system

[winedogs]

been looking at all the IPPY awards and feedback and posts today and many of the high scoring images are lovely and inspiring but many of them are skillfully shot and edited while also being completely devoid of JOY and WHIMSY and it’s driving me insane so. here are some joyful and whimsical dogs at the mall

[mikkokomori]

is omari basil still a delinquent

(and side note here id LOVE to hear you ramble all about your Omari au)

Ahem,,,, if it is alright with you then,,,,,, I will talk about my OMARI Basil then,,,,

To answer your question, he was planned to be the delinquent of the group (as per typical swap aus), though over time, I really began to sit down and think about it the more swap aus began to pop up around the fandom. I didn't really like the idea of being a carbon copy of various other omari aus in specific, so during the time I have been absent on here I began to slowly revamp the AU over time. I had to start over with what I originally had in the first place since a lot of the au things in my take on it also had contributions by followers as well!

For Basil, his first concept was initially a delinquent take... but the thing that caused a problem with that was the fact that I had planned for him to also play a sort of "detective" role in this universe, as I had written a short snippet on Basil having caught on to something suspicious going on between the older siblings and Sunny's sudden disappearance.......

Frankly, as much as a delinquent Basil is my darling concept of all concepts, I had to, unfortunately, push it to the side and alter his role in this AU to fit with the revamped look I was going for him... therefore fully integrating him into his "detective" role. In a way though, looking through Mari's perspective, he's sort of a clashing force with her and is equivalent to an antagonist in her own story (but! Keep in mind, Mari in this AU isn't the Mari who you should be sympathizing for.... an unreliable narrator who happens to be a wolf in sheeps clothing....).

As for the emotions, while a lot of people tend to view the emotions being assigned to the characters as their possible role in RW (the happy-go-lucky, the perfect student, the delinquent), for mine I ended up making it were each friend had 2 main emotions.... Basils would be anger and sorrow (Aubrey and Kel tend to have anger as their second emotion, though that is still up for debate! I still have a few things to work out :3). So, in a way you could say that in Headspace they were only ever seen as a one-dimensional character by Mari/Hikkiko, while in the real world, they had a even bigger "mess" of emotions that they all dealt with. In turn, Basil's concept strayed further away from the path of delinquent and more into a path which.... ehehe..... obsession as a concept is such a fun thing to play around with, don't you think?

Just as much as he plays the "investigator", he also is meant to be a parallel of what Mari/Hikkiko is. Obsession has always been a part of his character, and in doing so, you could say I played around with it until I found quite a nice concept with this. Mari/Hikkiko both have a need to keep Sunny around as the perfect brother and therefore paint his Headspace counterpart to their own liking.... while Basil in turn has, on some level, a need to imitate Sunny as closely as he can. Both are a form of obsessions I have given them, and in a way, the only reason Basils is a more "lighter" version of this is because Aubrey, Kel, Hero (sort of), Polly, his grandmother, and Faraway Town as a whole have been there to guide him on a better path. Though his obsession to keep Sunny's memory alive by becoming like him is still there, it's not to say that he doesn't have people to talk some sense into him-- meanwhile Mari does not have that type of support.

Obsession stems from love, at least, in their case. And in the end, it really depends on whether or not they have people who are willing to reel them back into a state of sanity. Basil was, at least in terms of my omari lore, viewed as a delinquent at one point, though he never acted out aggressively towards others unless provoked enough and only ever kept to himself.... eventually the town residents accepted the fact that this was just his way of grieving and treated him with patience and respect, especially with the fact he took it upon himself to go around town and helping around with the little things, though especially with gardening and photography.

it's not to say though, that he doesn't have some... worrying habits. That as in, most of his plants being replaced with tulips and most of the heads of certain plants being chopped off with garden shears, left to rot. While Basil mimics his best friends habits, he isn't exactly the best at fully hiding his feelings and emotions as Sunny was able to. No amount of masquerading will change the fact that once he's laid his sights on you, it'll only be a matter time before he seeks for your head on a silver platter.

[jopzer]

just noticed jamie flinches before the wembley hug what if i exploded into a million billion pieces.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

[dazais-guardian-angel]

kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....

[marsixm]

i also think the fact that i had such a stunted and isolated upbringing and now that im an adult all my friends are on atypical life paths (and honestly even my friends as a kid were like this too) means i find things that are usually very common life stages really interesting. like knowing someone who has a house and a wife and 2 kids (with that wife) and a job with a salary feels like meeting fucking paul bunyun to me. or hearing the kids i work with talk about graduating high school and going to college and being on a real path with that stuff is neat? or even sometimes knowing cis/het people who are like going thru that coming of age stuff that i never really experienced the way you see it in the movies bc of transness/queerness/neurodivergence. its like woah they said the name of the thing in the thing. do u know what i mean???

[the-sage-libriomancer]

just watched ep7 and i just wanted to talk about one moment in particular that got my attention: yor gets chastened for not remembering the special knock in the last episode. as i mentioned before, yor is an assassin - her job is to get in, kill the target, and get out. she's never had to deal with long-term missions or people actively gunning for her, because for the most part anyone who could recognize her ends up dead within minutes. the secret knock is a detail that loid never would have forgotten, as remembering codes makes up half his job, but yor forgets all about it very quickly because she's not used to needing them.

on the other hand, the fight between yor and barnaby proves that there's no way loid would have been able to take on barnaby and win. he may be physically adept, but he's not trained to fight the way yor is - had loid been assigned to guard olka and the baby, it's extremely likely that either loid or the targets would've been killed because loid simply isn't fast enough to fight back against a highly skilled assassin with a unique weapon of choice. yor is able to hold her own specifically because she's trained her body to be a living weapon, capable of taking down people who have also trained themselves to be weapons. loid may be proficient at completing missions, but he isn't from this world, and he definitely isn't in the same league as yor or barnaby.

anyway. yor and loid professional teamup when.

[throwdownyourheart]

Howdy y’all! Figured I oughta pin a post to get acquainted.

My name’s Caleb, but you can call me dad. 🤠

Leatherworker, writer, musician, and notorious homosexual.

If you wanna talk to me, my DMs and ask box are always open! Always love when y’all reach out. Not sure how to break the ice? Ask what projects I’m working on, or what song I’ve got on repeat.

I use tags to organize my posts, and you can take a gander at the archive if you want to see more of something particular. These are a few tags you’ll run into the most:

#we've always been around is all my queer shit. Being queer ain’t new, after all — we’ve always been here.

#all good things are wild and free is for all the wild places that make me feel most at home. I’d rather be out there than anywhere else, and these remind me that the world is much bigger than the daily grind.

#life in color is all about Black history, Black joy, Black struggle, and most importantly, the richness and diversity of Black lives.

#lubbock texas is where you’ll find all my horny-on-main posts; it’s been a small way that I’ve worked through/continue to work through my repressive fundamentalist growing-up years. It comes from an old Butch Hancock quote that says “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in Hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and you should save it for someone you love.” If you wanna know what cranks my engine, just take a look at this tag. (May or may not have an alt that’s a little more down and dirty. My DMs are open, boys.)

#me is all the pictures of my ugly mug. It’s also where you’ll find all my thirst traps.

#answered asks is pretty self-explanatory. You submit an anonymous ask and wanna see if I answered it? You’ll find it here.

#personal as hell is a cutaway cross-section of how my brain works, the things that matter most to me, or the things that felt like they were written specifically for me about my life.

#death is all the things that remind me how very very short and how very very precious our time here is. Everybody we love will die, and none of us get out of this world alive. These are little reminders to live a good life, and hopes to die a good death.

#dog bless america is all about man’s best friends and most trusty partners.

#chairman meow is for the other guys — cats are a harder sell on the utility of man in their lives, sure, but none of ‘em ever showed the cops where your weed’s at.

#misuse of religion is a catch-all for religion in general, but more often about the suffering and joy and home I was made to bear in Christianity. It’s been a way for me to make peace with my past and the fundamentalism I was raised in. It helps me engage with the faith I left, and reinterpret the 23 years I spent with my life centered around a Jesus I don’t believe in anymore.

#cowboys and #all the pretty little horses because y’all know what I’m about.

#pov: i’m telling you what a good boy you are is for when you need a father figure to help work out your daddy issues.

[puppyeared]

Jitterbug

[strawberrybabydog]

realizing im a lesbian has genuinely been one of the most life-ruining things ive experienced so far :0(

i dont think i know any other lesbians

i am a baby dyke. who likes a baby dyke? apparently nobody. i dont seem to fit into ANY lesbian spaces because i'm green but how do i become not green without experience? apparently i need 10 years experience for an entry-level job :0(??

how... do i even find other lesbians irl? "gay bar" ok first off why would i ever go to a bar. also im pretty sure those dont exist where i live

do i love lesbians because i hate and am traumatized by men or do i love lesbians because im normal. only one answer actually makes me a lesbian

if im not lesbian what am i? :0( i dont want to Just be asexual, that doesnt Mean anything

lesbians are fucking scary. i used to follow 10 sapphic-centric blogs but.... theyre always talking about how horrible/annoying other lesbians are over discourse ive never heard of, meaning, im probably participating in it without knowing

oh yeah. that too. i know nothing about lesbians. and being a lesbian. apparently when you're a lesbian you have to know every single piece of sapphic literature and every lesbian of history or you're bad and stupid and dont deserve to be talked to

it really feels like being hetero is free and easy, like you dont have to think about it you just Love Someone, but being queer is hard and energy-consuming and you have no choice but to dedicate the rest of your life to learning and knowing every single piece of sapphic-centered discourse. it seems like being a lesbian has more to do with knowing facts about historic lesbianism than it has to do with loving another lesbian and i'm sooooo not interested in being queer for the sake of discourse i just want to kiss a lady or whatever but thats not allowed until i pass my lesbian exam that every other lesbian passed 20 years ago

idk. maybe all of this confusion means im not a lesbian. i think if i really was sapphic i'd know the answers to this stuff already, researching would be easy and enjoyable..... but the master lesbian google doc..... idk... it seems like being sapphic requires more than just "Girls Kinda Pretty" and that is awful to me. i dont want to spend 4 years in lesbian university studying lesbianism just to get my lesbian degree so i can kiss a girl. i want to just kiss a girl Now why do i need a masters degree?? why do i have to study and earn and prove my place in a society where i thought the bottom line was Kiss Girls And Chill

"community history is important" i agree but why do i need to know all of this shit First, Before i am a lesbian. why cant i kiss ladies and research at the same time. idfk. idk anymore. i just want to love my gf. why am i 22 trying to figure out my sexuality when everyone i know did it when we were 14, how is that fair to me?? im sorry for being a late bloomer i dont know what you want from me

[sysig]

Some possible* Tala stickers :D (Patreon)

[kyouka-supremacy]

On Kouyou and Mori's relationship

@2offayyo-kzt THANK YOU FOR ASKING because you prompted me to talk about Kouyou and I love talking about Kouyou. Original post the reply is referring to.

Okay most of it comes from the Kouyou / Mori / Chuuya scene at the closing of the guild arc. First off: in chapter 37 we are made aware that Kouyou decided to stay at the agency of her own accord. Besides from the reasons she had to stay, it's just pretty cool how it's confirmed that Kouyou doesn't feel like having Mori's orders or will she has to answer to and just... Pretty much is free to do whatever she wants. She doesn't care about what Mori requires from her - Mori who most definitely would have wanted her back at the pm as soon as possible - and just acts of her own accord, which is something that even Chuuya doesn't do.

Following up, Kouyou and Mori also reflect over how she's perfectly capable of freely leave the pm, yet she chooses not to (btw her little smirk following Mori acknowledgement of her abilities is SO cute). Again, it goes to show how independent she is from Mori (pretty much putting her on his same level I guess?), being able to leave the pm facing no consequences or retaliation, and just in general how master of her fate she is. It's nice, it's RARE for a franchise where female characters are usually just thrown from one side to the other by external factors and rarely get to choose for themselves.

Then - and so far I strayed a bit from the initial matter, but this is most relevant to the point I was making in the original post - she says “Shut up. I'll sew your mouth shout.” There's A LOT in those lines because it plainly shows how she just... Doesn't fear Mori, doesn't fear calling him out on his creepy behavior, doesn't fear (playfully? ← arguable) menacing him. She's just so unbound and free and self-governed, and totally unbothered by Mori unlike any other character (except for, well, Elise, who's part of Mori herself). It's a joy to see.

Next, the volume 10 extra. The “that's why I told you”, “I'll punch you”, it all goes to reinforce the concept that Kouyou is perfectly unafraid of Mori and doesn't shy away from calling him out and scolding him even sternly. But it's especially interesting to compare her behavior with Chuuya's. Where Chuuya tries to find accomodations for Mori, Kouyou scolds him, and later even accuses Chuuya of being “spoiling him”; their approach is completely different, and as a consequence their relationships with Mori are diametrically opposite. Again, back to my initial point: even Chuuya, who is one of the most self-reliant characters of them all, knows he has to answer to Mori, and accordingly treats him with respect; Kouyou is perfectly unbothered and unafraid.

And even more examples: chapter 42, Kouyou openly arguing with Mori's decision, lacking that mentality that is shared between pm operatives that Mori's plans are infallible and there's no point in questioning them (just think about how sure, confident and even smug Chuuya was about Mori's plan during the Guild arc, chapter 22). Chapter 43, Kouyou spending “half a year's worth of founds” to attack a government van, which I can guess goes against what Mori wants for the pm (lol) and once again just shows how Kouyou... Freely bosses around and does whatever she wants, answering to no one.

With this I'm not saying Kouyou doesn't care about Mori. She DOES care about Mori, she just doesn't in a “subordinate is loyal to their superior” kind of way. She cares about Mori, the thing is that she does because she chooses to and not for any other constraint, which arguably makes her the person that is closer and most loyal to him?? Because she has no second means for being loyal to him, and just does that because she wants to, which makes her loyalty the truest, most authentic one. And Mori knows that, and that's why she deserves to be the next pm boss, and I know they (authors) will never make her but she deserves it and she's the pm boss of my heart end of conversation.

Headcanon time while we're at it, I like to think for Kouyou to address to Mori so informally and familiarly is a way to make up / compensate for the trauma she underwent with the previous boss. When Mori killed the previous boss, she swore she would have never lived in fear again, and even though she ultimately decided to stay in the darkness, it's now her choice; a choice she personally and freely makes despite being aware of potentially, realistically being able to leave at any moment. Addressing Mori as he was her equal is a way for Kouyou to remind to herself about how free and unbound she is.

About Mori and Kouyou, I like to think they had this siblings-like relationship since before Mori became boss I mean, they canonly go cherry blossom sighting together. I like to think a very small, subconscious part of Mori killed the previous boss because Mori held resentment towards him for hurting Kouyou- but that's definitely straying too far alcbdklzbdkskxbks. I like to think Kouyou wanted Kyouka in the pm because she genuinely believed that under hers and Mori's lead Kyouka could be happy, that the pm was the place that most would have welcomed Kyouka, welcomed what Kouyou believed to be her nature.