#an angsty read for sure but i'd be all over it with hurt/comfort coming from maddie and chim and ofc tommy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

askinkiskarma · 1 year

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𝕄𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕚𝕟 𝕄𝕖 | ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕀𝕀𝕀: 𝕀 𝔸𝕞 𝕃𝕠𝕤𝕥, 𝔹𝕦𝕥 ℕ𝕠𝕥 𝕀𝕟 𝕐𝕠𝕦

Pairing: Neteyam x (f)Omaticaya!Reader

synopsis: in order to fulfil your revenge plans on Neteyam, you have to give up a lot of your life, including a future with a man who loves you dearly.

warnings: 18+ minors DNI, aged-up! Neteyam/Reader, enemies-to-lovers, angst (@lanasblood trying to be better about this), smut (fingering, orgasm denial), strong language, neteyam and reader being horrible to each other lol

wc: 6.5k words

a/n: things are starting to get spicy besties 😌 i have to admit, although i am a lot more comfortable with friends-to-lovers, or more angsty tropes, i adore writing the sexual tension that comes with e2l and i hope i did it justice and you enjoy this chapter. i can't wait to hear your thoughts, bbs and thank you again for all the love and support on this series xx (thank you very much also to @cinetrix for her amazing Neteyam art ily bestie x)

this is only half proof-read, so if you see any mistakes no you don't

na'vi compendium: yawne - beloved, Tsakarem - Tsa'hik in training, tìlor - beauty, txepvi - spark

: ̗̀➛ previous chapter (x) : ̗̀➛ series masterlist (x) : ̗̀➛ series playlist (x)

In a perfect world, I'd kill to love you the loudest But all I do is live to hurt you soundless Say you see I'm lying, babe, and let this go I can never promise you tomorrow

The departing footsteps echoed through the forest as O'ì'en left you all alone, with a broken heart and the man that broke it, and the feeling left you empty, the hurt of what transpired, of what he did, what you did, how with each passing blow to each other’s lives, this was no longer just a petty rivalry but felt like so much more, like too much more. You threatened him, you spit all sorts of petty warnings about hell and burning - and in the heat of the moment, that sounded cool, and doable. Not anymore, as you stood motionless in the clearing and realised that Neteyam still had so much power over you, that his grasp on your life and on your heart was so tight, tighter than anyone else’s, tight enough to bruise and crush it with a tug of his fisted fingers. You removed yourself from his grasp like his touch burned you, which it felt like it did, and put distance in between your bodies, so that you could see him, so that you could clear your mind, so that his presence wouldn’t have the effect on you it always did, that you were sure was just your body recoiling in hatred, that always manifested itself in goosebumps and shivers down your spine.

“You’re such a fucking asshole.” The tears stung as you willed them back into your tear ducts. It’s been 7 years since Neteyam has seen you cry, and you’ll be damned if that would ever change, and especially right now, as you watched the smirk grow with every departing step, with every erratic blink of your eyes, as you tried to stop them from falling down your face, as he knew he got to you, that he made you pay for the words you uttered to him before.

“Oh, yawne. One day you’ll learn to not punch above your weight, and I guess since no one else is willing to, it falls onto me to teach you.” He walks slow, purposeful steps as he nears you once more, and his eyes boring into you, filled with intensity and a feeling you couldn’t quite place, that didn’t quite match the arrogance staining his lips like poison, stilled you in your spot, until he was so close, you could feel his warm breath and musky scent, until your heart boomed painfully in your chest, echoing loudly in your ears, marginally drowning out his next words.

“Did you really think you could threaten me and everything I’ve worked for, my relationship and the rest of my life, without any repercussions, huh? Did you really think I would go down without a fight?”

His hand raised and reached to push some unruly strands of hair out of your face, and you couldn’t look away from the soft glimmer in his eyes, that was so at odds with the rest of his face, you wondered if he even knew it was there. You wondered if he knew what it signified, because you didn’t. And despite your best efforts otherwise, you couldn’t deny the curiosity that deluged you, to try and find out.

The hint in his molten golden orbs dissipated as quickly as it appeared, and so did any middling emotion that tried you, as you once more found yourself reaching for your knife and unsheathing it, holding it in between both your hands, aiming for a shoulder… or a neck, and with a feral growl, you pushed your entire forced into the blow, and yelped in pain as one of his hands wrapped around both your wrists and twisted until the knife dropped pitifully on the ground with a loud clink. Tears threatened you once more at how futile the effort had been, how easy for him to overpower you like you were nothing more than a child, or a doll. He pinned your hands above your head and pushed you until your back collided with the bark of a tree and you felt the wind getting knocked out of your lungs at the contact.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk… why must you always resort to violence… yawne?” Your eyes widened as the hand that wasn’t holding you ghosted over your cheeks, tracing the air right above your lips with his thumb, and you were struggling, yet again, with the feelings that were plaguing you, that made burning appear everywhere his fingers were, burning the travelled down your body until they reached your core, that throbbed and clenched, that desperately asked you for something you would never, ever give it. After exploring your face, and tracing your jaw, his fingers finally settled on your chin, pushing it gently until your face angled upwards to meet his and no further breath could inch its way down your airways at the sight of him, at the way he looked at you, at the way it made you feel.

“You told me that you won’t mind burning in Hell as long as I burn with you. Well…” he broke eye contact to look around him at the forest surrounding you both. “Do you hear that, yawne? Fire is catching. And looks like we’re going to get to burn together after all.”

“Let me go. I told you what would happen if you ever touched me again.” His smirk never faltered, but only deepened as his eyes trailed over your body, settling on your lower abdomen.

“Mmm, yawne. I’m not sure you mean that.” It was your turn to reciprocate his guise, no ounce of shame or hesitation on your face.

“Let me go and you’ll find out whether I mean it or not.” his eyes widened, if only for a split second, and you felt like you imagined his grip on you loosening, or the fleeting sight of goosebumps peppered on his chest and neck, where your warm breath touched him.

“Are you really going to miss your chance to find lover boy and apologise like the good girl you like people to think you are?”

Your eyes lost momentary focus as he spoke. His words, although as cruel as usual, made guilt peak its ugly head over the thin-veiled curtain it was hiding behind, and you knew he was right. This was irrelevant. This whole fandangle of aggression and snarky remarks you always engaged in was not what should be occupying your brain, it wasn’t what mattered. O'ì'en mattered. Fixing Neteyam’s damage… and your own - that’s the only thing that mattered right now.

“Funny how quickly you seem to have forgotten about the one you supposedly love so much when I have your hands pinned above your head, isn’t it… yawne.”

His hands trailed over your arm as if on accident as he let you go and you felt embarrassed. Embarrassed at his words, at his effect on you, at how hard you were fighting your own body and mind as they were struggling to regain composure from his touch, and his voice, and his presence.

Hate. That’s all it was. It consumed you, and you wish it didn’t, but at the end of the day, it was still just harmless, bona fide, unadulterated hate. You ignored the way your cheeks caught fire and burned beneath your skin as you ran towards the village, towards where you assumed O’i’en was headed, without sparing your biggest, your only enemy a second glance.

'Cause I have yet to learn how not to be his This city will surely burn if we keep this as it is

You spent hours searching for him, but despite trying every place you knew he liked to frequent, all efforts proved futile. You knew he wouldn’t want to be found, but still, you held a glimmer of hope in your heart that at least subconsciously, he’d want you to find him, to allow him to explain what was mostly inexplainable and inexcusable - you couldn’t blame him for proving you wrong.

Eventually, as eclipse was nearing with each passing moment, defeated and regretful, you went to the nearby river, that was almost deserted due to the approaching evening, that you hoped would bring you some answers, or some solace… some strength. What were you supposed to do? Were you supposed to listen to Eywa, and your own heart telling you to go for this mateship that you knew was wrong, but felt drawn towards, for your own twisted, sadistic reasons? Or should you listen to your mind who told you to fight for what you knew would be a comfortable, healthy future, one that didn’t particularly enthral you, but hoped you could aspire to and embrace in time, with the insight that came with getting older? As always, the war between your mind and heart led to a painful impasse where both of them were bloodied and injured, but no discernible winners were left to claim victory on the choice, or on all the questions that plagued you.

You recognised Jake’s steps and his scent as he approached you, and you sighed. You were not in the mood for a lecture. Sure enough, he sat next to you, looking at the waterfall falling violently into the otherwise peaceful river, that rippled and bruised at the contact. It was funny to you now, sitting here, how that was a perfect metaphor for your relationship with Neteyam, how in his presence, you were just a river, and he was a force of nature, there to disturb and perturb, there to change you, so aggressive and formidable, and so strangely necessary. You were sad at how much his presence in your life mattered, how you knew that despite all the hurt and the pain, you owed him so much of who you were, so much of where you were. Because he pushed you every day, to be better, to strive for more, to want to be more like him in some ways, less like him in others - a better daughter, a better friend, a better sibling, a better soldier, a better warrior, a better clan member.

“Hey, kid. What are you doing here, eclipse will be upon us soon. You know the rules.”

“I know the rules, Jake. And with all due respect, right now, I really couldn’t care less about them.”

You turned to him and noted his expression melting from one of annoyance, raised eyebrow and an open mouth, ready to chastise you for your insubordination and recalcitrance, into a soft and pitying one, as he took in your tear-stained face and trembling lips. You never cried, not in front of anyone who mattered, so the fact that here you stood, so obviously distressed, concerned Jake more than he could say out loud.

“What’s wrong, baby girl? What happened?”

“I… I need to find O'ì'en… I’ve been looking for hours, but I can’t find him. Have you seen him anywhere?” Your sniffles and a hoarse, broken voice were more than enough to bring a grimace to the Olo’eyktan’s face.

“Oh, honey…” his arms circled your much smaller body and he squeezed, the much needed hug warm and very welcome. Your hand tightened around his forearm, and you started sobbing silently as he held you. You’ve always been immensely grateful for the Sullys and their patriarch, but especially so in moments like this, when his paternal instincts kicked in, a role he was much better at than he ever gave himself credit for.

“I ruined it… I ruined everything. I should have told him, I should have been honest with him. I should have come to you and asked you to free me of this responsibility that I never wanted to shoulder in the first place.”

“You can still ask, kid. We would never force you into something you genuinely aren’t comfortable with, and you should know that. In fact, you do know that. But you didn’t come. Why?”

You had no answer to that, because truthfully, you didn’t know. Getting revenge on Neteyam wasn’t a good enough answer, and more and more, you realised that - and you knew Jake would challenge you on it as soon as the words came out of your mouth. Getting revenge isn’t a good enough reason to sacrifice your own happiness, and liberty, your future as a warrior and your future with the man you wanted to want so badly. It wasn’t a good enough reason because it wasn’t the reason - not the only reason, not the full reason, but that was something you couldn't think about, you couldn't even fathom, not yet, so you didn't.

At your lack of response, Jake sighed and looked contemplatively at the river being perturbed by the waterfall crashing on it, at the way the water rippled and undulated, at the way the bioluminescent glow of the underwater plankton, that was visible now that eclipse settled over the land, warped under its force.

“Did I ever tell you I had this girlfriend back on Earth? This was when I was young, about your age.” You shook your head softly, not looking at him, still focused and mesmerised by the same view he was studying.

“She was amazing. So kind, and sweet, and beautiful… and good. Too good for me. And I loved her. She was the first girl I looked at and thought that maybe, just maybe, she would be the one. I used to pick her up after her classes were over and we would just drive in my car, just down the coast, in Anaheim at sundown, and I remember feeling so happy, thinking that I would feel this way the rest of my life.”

You thought about that, and about your boyfriend, who very much seemed like what Jake was describing, who brought you comfort and safety. You thought about walking with him in this place Jake called Anaheim, in a heavenly place away from hurt and pain, away from mistakes and fears, just two people who loved each other, who wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. You felt grief envelop you when the face that appeared in your visions wasn’t the one you wanted to see, the one you hoped you’d see, the one you needed to see. You hated your brain and your heart for not allowing you to commit to him the way you knew you should, in the way that would ensure you a future of happiness and peace, a love worth harbouring, a pure and kind love, just like the one Jake described.

“What happened? Between… you and her, I mean?” Jake shrugged, a small, content smile on his face.

“It just didn’t work out. I joined the military, she continued her studies. We would have never worked. I wasn’t good enough for her, and she deserved someone who could love her the way she was meant be loved. Anaheim is still a beautiful memory to me, and I’ll always cherish it, but it made way for something much, much better. For both of us.

I think sometimes we hold on to things we think we need, we want to want, but these things pertain to a version of ourselves that isn’t fully authentic. I think it’s easy to pretend when we’re with certain people that life is one way, that we could fit in it, in this world we’ve created in our heads, in the world that they inspire, but the sooner we accept the realities of our circumstances, of who we are and where we truly belong, the more time we have to enjoy life for how it’s meant to be lived: fully, wildly, being wholly ourselves.”

He stood up and headed back towards the village, not before giving you an affectionate pat on the head and a squeeze of your shoulders. His last words echoed in your ears long after he departed, leaving you with so much to think about, and so much pain at knowing he was right, and that soon, you’d have to break a heart and learn to mend your own.

“You can still ask, kid. I just think, deep down, Anaheim isn’t for you… just like it wasn’t for me.”

But I'd give anything to stop time And drive around Anaheim at sun down And teach my mind to put you first

It took the whole night, but you eventually found him, after a painful conversation with his mother, at a different river he used to love coming to as a little kid with his father, one much further away from the village. He was sitting on the river bank, lost in thought, his feet dangling mindlessly in the water that rushed downstream, agitated and tumultuous, much like your mind. You sighed deeply, trying your hardest to build up the courage for the most difficult conversation you’ve ever had, one in which you knew the end result was a broken heart, one that you caused, that you never meant to, that you would never want. You knew what it was like to be broken-hearted, sad and unmoored from the reality you’ve built up in your mind, from your hopes and dreams, from the future you were promised and now will never have again. But after the conversation with Jake, you knew it was the right thing to do. You loved O'ì'en, you truly did, just not enough to ever give him everything he needed and deserved, not for the rest of your life. You had darkness in you he would never be skilled enough to wander through, to bring light into, and you would never want him to try, not when it would dim his own light, that deserved to be nourished and heightened by someone, who much like him, was good and pure, and better than you’d ever be.

“O'ì'en…”

He wasn’t startled by your presence. His gaze didn’t shift from where it was intently fixed, and you knew you shouldn’t expect that it did. You wouldn’t want to look at yourself, either.

“You know, I watched for so long the interactions between you and Neteyam, and they always made me sad and uncomfortable. The hatred that I could not understand, that seemed to occupy so much of your time and space in both your minds, that consumed you both. I watched it, and I wanted to say something, but I never thought it was my place. It hurt me, seeing you suffer at his hands, and hurt me that you always reciprocated, that you never took the high road, that you always felt the need to one-up him, to give as good as you got. It was so toxic and unhealthy, and I hoped in time, you’d move away from it. I hoped I could help you. But now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to, not anymore. And I don’t know if I want to.”

Tears rolled down your face with every word uttered, with every sentence that cut deeper and deeper in you, until you were bleeding and bruised, until it all hurt, being here, seeing him, hearing him, the past and the future, the present and your actions, and Neteyam’s actions, and everything that lead to this moment. It was so much easier to get your heart broken, you realise faintly, than to break a heart. Heartbroken, you could pity yourself, victimise yourself, tell yourself and the world that it’s not you, but the other person, the one who instigated it. You can sleep at night knowing you were wronged, that if it wasn’t for the pain that someone else caused you, things would be different, easier. There was nothing easy about watching a good person suffer and knowing you caused it, and you wondered how you were ever going to fall asleep again, how were you going to be able to live with yourself.

“I didn’t choose this, O'ì'en… any of this. I need you to know this. Mo’at asked us to come to her as a matter of urgency the other day, she told us that Eywa gave her a sign, showed her a vision, and that by her will, Neteyam and I will have to become a mated-pair.” You felt bad about leaving out certain… extenuating circumstances, but you realise that sometimes, certain things are better left unsaid and once some words are uttered, some actions taken, they can’t be recalled, they can’t be reversed, they won’t dematerialise - their echoes will forever ring through time, leaving damage and hurt in their wake, and you didn’t want that - not for him.

“Have you told her you don’t want to? Have you gone to the Tsa’hik, or the Olo’eyktan, or the Tsakarem and talked to them, told them you are in love with someone else, that you made up your mind? Did you fight for us at any point? For me?”

Your eyes widened at his words, that had an edge to them you’ve never observed in him before, that you didn’t even realise he was truly capable of. The words stung needles on your skin and in your eyes, that had prickling tears still falling uninterrupted, like summer rain, soaking your heart and soul that hurt because you knew that you couldn’t give him an answer that would satisfy him… you couldn’t give him an answer at all.

“They look at you like you’re their daughter. They would listen to you if you asked. But you didn’t, did you?”

“I once overheard Lo’ak talk about you and Neteyam to his human friend. He was concerned about you. About both of you. But aside from that, he talked about you two like you were an inevitability. About passion that ran so deep there was no way only hatred fuelled it. That there must be something underneath it all. I heard this and it made me angry at the time… I thought that he was unreasonable and out of line. Naively, I took your affection at face value and never looked beyond. Until now, that is. When I realised that in our time together, all the time we shared, all the moments that were sweet and innocent and everything I’ve ever wanted, you’ve never once shared even a fraction of that passion for me.”

“O'ì'en, no…”

“I think, deep down, you don’t want to get out of this because it’s finally a way to bridge the gap that has existed between you and Neteyam for so long, a gap you secretly wished had never existed. I think you’ve been in love with him since you were children, and this was the perfect opportunity to change a path you thought was set in stone before. I think he’s in love with you, too. But both of you are too mean, too stubborn with each other to see past your differences. To talk.”

“You’re wrong.” The temper was rising in your chest as his head continued shaking, denying your statement, as his words were processing in your mind, the unbelievable, insane, unreasonable words that you couldn’t believe were being uttered right before you, not by him. You wanted to scream at him, to shout and tell him that it’s all wrong, all of this, everything is all wrong. That the passion he’s talking about is just intense dislike that was so grand, so overpowering, it couldn’t be contained inside your body, nor inside his. That you were not in love with Neteyam - you hated Neteyam. With every fibre of your being, you loathed the man that hurt you so deeply, so intimately, for so long, that forsook the past you shared and the memories you made and what you meant to him, or what he meant to you.

You wanted to tell him that he’s delusional in ever thinking that man could ever be in love with you, when all he did was find new ways to torture you, to belittle you, to make you feel lesser than him, lesser than anyone he knew. How could that ever be love? How could that ever work? This was love. What you had with O'ì'en. Pure and good and kind and easy. Love wasn’t supposed to hurt, right? Love was supposed to feel natural, like coming home after a long, exhausting day, it wasn’t supposed to be what made the day long and exhausting in the first place. He was so wrong.

But you didn’t find it in you to argue with him. Not with him. Someone else will have to bear the consequences of your repressed anger, but not O'ì'en, because he deserves better than what he got, and what you gave, and in truth.. none of this mattered anyway. Arguing would make no difference in this doomed relationship, so you calmed yourself for the time being and spoke in as even of a tone you could manage.

“O'ì'en… I think you’re wrong. But, it doesn’t matter. You’re right that I didn’t talk to Mo’at, and that I should have. Regardless of the circumstances that led to this, I am so sorry. I will forever be sorry for the way you found out, for the way this came to be. I’m so sorry you had to be collateral damage in a war that is only mine to bear. I had a whole plan about how to tell you, I had so many things I wanted to say to you. That I’m grateful to you, and that I love you. That I’m sorry it wasn’t the way that you deserve to be loved, but I do love you. That I will never forget you, and your affection that shone so brightly over me, that was a safe haven from the bad storms I’ve had to weather for so long. That I’ll be sorry every day that I wasn’t good enough for you, but am relieved by the notion that one day, you’ll find someone so much better than me, someone who will be able to give you everything you deserve and then some, and I’m relieved in knowing you will be thankful to have been rid of me.”

You decided this would have to be enough for now. One day, maybe you’ll be able to face him again. One day, maybe he’ll even be able to spare you a glance, or a smile. But not today.

“I hope you forgive me one day.”

“Me, too.”

But I'd give anything to stop time, commit to you and not crimes Against your truth and lose sight of every divide threatening to undo this story But baby, I'm so sorry, I don't think that I'll ever memorise this route

It was a long way back to the village, and with every step taken and every moment passed, the anger that you tried to stifle for his sake came back ten fold - the tiring days of fighting, of crying, of suffering, of uncertainty and rampant emotions all building up within you, all coming to a calamitous zenith that threatened to spill all around you, that begged and urged for revenge, for payback on the man that caused it all, the man that was at the centre of all your life’s woes.

He ruined your relationship? Well… let’s see how he’ll like a taste of his own medicine. You knew exactly where you’ll find him, because you knew he’d be in the place he knew he could pester you the most, in a place that’s supposed to be yours, that he tainted over and over, that you will make sure to conquer back from him, the way you eventually would all of the pieces of yourselves he’s taken from you through time.

Your tent was quiet and untouched, unlike the little nook behind it, that was completely segregated from the rest of the clan, an oasis of secrecy and privacy in an otherwise bustling environment. A place that should be yours alone, but now hid two Na’vi, one of them mewling softly at the actions of the other. Neteyam was focused on his mate’s neck, their make-out session so intense, they didn’t even notice you until it was too late, until you stood behind them, until your presence was announced by a deep sigh and a disappointed click of your tongue.

“Oh, how disappointing.”

The girl let out a distressed yelp at your voice and pushed Neteyam off of her, eliciting a deep growl from the man that was less than impressed by the interruption.

“Am I interrupting?”

You saw Neteyam’s eyes widened slightly at the sight of you, at the way he knew what was coming. You laughed at his expression. What did he think was going to happen after what he’s done? What did he think you were going to do finding them here? The evil smirk that possessed you reminded you of his, and you wondered if this is how panicked you looked, too, when you saw him approaching you and O'ì'en.

“You know, if you’re going to continue going against the Olo’eyktan and the Tsa’hik’s wishes and cheat on your mate, I wouldn’t do it… you know, right outside of her tent.”

“WHAT?!” The high-pitched screech nearly deafened you, but you didn’t let it show. Instead you just watched as Neteyam scrambled to get himself out of the eye of the storm threatening to tear him apart.

“Tìlor, I -“

“Ah, your boyfriend didn’t tell you?” Your smile was sickeningly sweet as you approached the couple, stopping right next to Neteyam, placing a hand on his arm, tracing the protruding veins that made saliva pool in your mouth, and you bit back a laugh at the girl’s rabid look, that looked a lot like she was going to pounce on you at any given moment - you hoped she did. Nothing would make you happier than to have an excuse to rearrange her braids. This girl that always looked down on you, that looked at you like you were an outsider or a freak, that never even tried to mask her jealousy, her disdain, her fear at the fact the Sullys preferred you, and always will.

“I will be your Tsa’hik soon. Isn’t that right… yawne?”

“So unless you want me to go and tell the clan leaders… and your mother… and your father, and everyone who matters that you’ve been fucking someone else’s mate and watch as little by little, your entire world falls apart around you, I suggest you realise this man right here, he’s not worth it. Not worth all the drama, not worth all the fuss. Just go, and find yourself a single mate, and give thanks to Eywa she’s rid you of him, cause damn, I know I wish I could be.”

The hatred in her eyes was slowly replaced with fear and embarrassment, and for a second, just a second - you felt bad for her. Because no matter how badly she’s treated you, how she’s adopted Neteyam’s behaviour as her own with no reason or rhyme, much like O'ì'en, she was also just another collateral victim in a war that kept claiming lives and hearts, and you wondered where, if at all, the line would be drawn, when, if ever, would enough be enough?

You watched as she scrambled to fasten her top around her neck properly and without another word, she was gone, leaving just you and Neteyam alone, with enough tension in the air around you to suffocate you, to feel like smoke from a fire so grand, you didn't know if weren’t skilled enough to put out.

'Cause I have yet to know how to be mine You can try to unearth this soul I swear you'll hate what you find

“Why?”

“You’re making out with someone behind my tent, knowing that would piss me off, after what you did yesterday, and you have the nerve to ask me why?” you threw your head back and laughed at the outrageousness of the question. Neteyam wasn’t stupid - far from it. He was also not naive, or oblivious, or harebrained. The question had no business coming out of his mouth, but yet it did. You didn't have time to ponder the reasons why.

“You see, Neteyam, I think you came here because you knew I’d come. Because you secretly wanted me to. Because you know deep down that this girl has nothing to offer you, and you just needed an easy way out to rid yourself of her, and you needed me to do your dirty work for you again. Well, you’re welcome, Neteyam. What the fuck would you ever do without me, huh?”

“You’re such a fucking hypocrite. All the theatricals of being heartbroken over what I did to O'ì'en and then you do the exact same thing to someone else, someone innocent.”

“Innocent, ha! You think I give a shit about your little girlfriend’s feelings, when you treated O'ì'en the way you did? He didn’t deserve this, Neteyam. Any of this. He’s good man, he respects you, and looks up to you. He -“

“He should have known better than to associate himself with you.” His bared fangs didn’t do as much to scare you, not nearly as much as his proximity to you did, at the way his eyes stared daggers at your face, that even in the heat of the moment, at the peak of anger and hatred, couldn’t help settle on your parted, wet lips. “He should have known better and realise that all you bring in people’s life is disappointment and pain. He also should have known better and realise you didn’t love him. That you never will. That you might try to act like it and convince yourself, but someone like him would never, ever satisfy you.”

“And who the fuck would satisfy me, Neteyam? You? That’s rich. I bet your poor little girlfriend’s happy she’s rid of you. Bet you haven’t made her cum once. Too busy thinking of training and ruining my life, too busy thinking about how great you think you are to make room for anyone else in there.” You poked him in the chest with your index finger, right over his heart. Your touch lingered on his body, somehow unable to bring yourself to stop, half in awe at the way his heart was racing, at the way yours beat almost in sync with his, at the way you tried to convince yourself it’s because of the anger you were feeling, and no other reason.

“Yeah? Is that what you think?”

And there he was again, once more grabbing you by your throat, and you wanted to object, and fight him, but you didn’t - you couldn’t -, not as you felt throbbing deep within you at the action, not as you had to push your thighs together to accommodate for the increasingly uncomfortable sensation, not as your loincloth was becoming more and more damp by the second. And you remember your words, and remember that you told him that if he ever touched you again, you’ll make him pay for it, but right now, in this moment, you couldn’t find it in you to speak a word, as the intensity of his gaze knocked the air out of your lungs and his fingers squeezed just enough so no more could get back in you. Your back scratched painfully against a tree as he pushed you into it, and you couldn’t help a small moan as his other hand pushed your loincloth to the side, brushing over your folds that were now sopping and swollen. He let out a soft chuckle as he felt you.

“If that’s what you really thought, you wouldn’t be dripping on my fingers right now, tsxepvi.”

Slowly, deliberately, he started exploring your heat, thumb ghosting over your clit as he watched you squirm under his touch, struggling between what you knew you should do, between your conscious mind telling you you were going to pay for this in tears and heartache, and your subconscious mind screaming to let go, to embrace the overbearing desire to give in to him, as you did in the dreams you convinced yourself in time were nightmares, but knew more and more each day that it was just another lie you told yourself to keep going.

One side of you won by a landslide, as he gently pushed two fingers in you, as he started increasing the pressure with which he was massaging your clit, and it felt so good, too good, better than anything you’ve ever felt before. You tried to contain the sounds coming through gritted teeth with all your might, knowing what he was doing, knowing giving him any indication of the pleasure he was giving you would mean another thing you’d have to pay for later, knowing you couldn’t allow him to enjoy this, you couldn’t possibly give him the satisfaction of knowing he could do this to you, but you couldn’t stop, not when his fingers curled in you and found the spongy part that made you see glimmering, blinding lights and his thumb circled your needy bud in the perfect way to heighten the sensations running through you, electrifying your every nerve. The moans turn into mewls as he increases the pressure and his pace, and you felt the pleasure in you reach a high that you were ready to ride out, your orgasm so close you could practically taste it, and you’re barely able to think about how fucking quick it was, how it took no time at all for him to get you there, how skilled his fingers, as they worked his ministrations on you. You had no will to think about what the fuck was happening, how weird it was, how the man you’ve hated for so long is doing this to you, before the feeling got too overwhelming to be contained anymore.

“Fuck, i’m gonna -“

“That’s right, tsxepvi. I can feel you squeezing my fingers. You want to come for me?”

“Argh, I-“

The moan you let you wasn’t of pleasure, it was of deep, throbbing pain as the emptiness overtook you, as soon as he removed his fingers.

He smirked, an evil smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, as his fingers found his lips and he sucked on them, his tongue swirling in between them, licking every single drop.

“You taste fucking amazing, tsxepvi. Maybe next time, if you apologise and behave, you’ll actually get to cum.”

And with that, he was gone, living you an empty, horrified mess, as the high came crashing down violently and the consequences of the last few minutes replaced it to lead you in a spiral of mixed thoughts and feelings, each one more terrifying than the last.

'Cause I am lost, but not in you Yes, I am lost, but not in you

taglist: @fanboyluvr @theycallmesia @afro-hispwriter @soleilmoon @crazy4books1 @bakugouswaif@randxmthxughts @xreadersstuff @sirezaya @kimberlyshailany-blog @gyuventure @jujudsmyst @kikookii @nxptury @nonniesworld @koing-slvt @bakugouswaif @isnt-itstrange @tpwkforevermore @alahamums @tallulah477 @gknj9495@aquamarine001 @itssomeonereading @yumimak @sweetbread-m @eqgroil @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @juneonhoth @yagirlheree @jackiehollanderr @legendarynoodlebowl @iameatingmyhair @justasimps-blog

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zepskies · 3 months

Note

Hi Zep!! Question time! Apologies in advance for the multiple questions, apparently my sleep deprived brain was on a roll 😂 Are you working on anything fun or have any ideas you’d be okay sharing, kind of like a work in progress? Any more plans to write for Russell again (or maybe once Tracker is back on)? Have you ever thought about doing a crossover type of fic with multiple characters from different shows interacting (ex. Dean and Soldier Boy)? Do you have any Dean headcanons? Or about any or your favorite characters? 👀 Happy answering! 💕

Hey, Michelle! Ooh don't apologize, these are awesome questions! Though I hope you got some rest last night. 😂

Coming Soon: Dream With Me

I actually am working on a 3-part story for the Midnight Espresso-verse (Dean Winchester x Reader) that will start posting next week! It's called Dream With Me, and will be set in 15x20... If you want to learn more about it, here's the announcement with the summary and sneak preview!

More Russell Shaw? (Tracker)

Actually yes, I have considered writing another one-shot for Russell Shaw that would be like an epilogue for Every Second Counts. Or maybe just another one-shot that lives in that world, if you guys still want to read more about those two after I drop Part 5 later today!

Coming Soon? WIP Ideas:

I also have a few ideas that I've been kicking around in my head, or even partially outlined, but haven't fully written yet. Honestly, I'm not sure which one to tackle first. Maybe you can help me with that. 😘

Here they are:

"Don't You Forget About Me" - (Dean x Reader) Basically a retelling of 4x13 "After School Special," but with a Breakfast Club twist. 😜

Beau Arlen one-shot in the Take Me Home-verse. Premise: "Self-defense lesson" lol.

Or a more angsty hurt/comfort shot in the TMH-verse. Premise: "A snapshot of Beau's lingering PTSD from Randy's death."

Yet another Break Me Down (Soldier Boy/Ben x Reader) one-shot, this one set after Calculated Risks. I've gotten several requests to both continue on what happens after that story, but also to tell the story of the reader and Ben's wedding lol. So the premise would be: "At your son's first birthday, with your family and friends present, you and Ben find yourselves reminiscing about the chaotic day of your wedding."

Do you like the sound of any of these?

Crossover Stories:

You know, I've never been a crossover person for some reason. I think my brain likes the compartments of worlds and characters kept within themselves, unless it makes sense to crossover. For example, I couldn't see SPN world crossing over with The Boys world. The "rules" of each are just so different lol. But I have read one or two crossover stories I enjoyed.

Dean Winchester Headcanons:

Do I have Dean headcanons? Oh, yes. Yes I do. 😂

They all live in my Dean Winchester Imagines/Headcanons masterlist, but they're also structured like vignettes that feature Beau Arlen and Soldier Boy as well.

All of these have been requests (**Notes 18+ only):

Headcanon:** How Dean Winchester, Beau Arlen, and Soldier Boy (Ben) would react to seeing your breast reduction scars. ❤️‍🩹

Headcanon: How Dean Winchester, Beau Arlen, and Soldier Boy (Ben) would make up for pissing you off. 😤

Headcanon:** How Dean Winchester, Beau Arlen, and Soldier Boy (Ben) would react to you teasing him under the table. 😉

Headcanon: How Dean Winchester, Beau Arlen, and Soldier Boy (Ben) would react to you getting “morning” sickness during pregnancy. 🤢

Headcanon: Personality types Castiel, Sam, and Dean would be attracted to. ⭐

If you have a headcanon prompt for me, whether in "quasi-narrative" form like these^ or as just my headcanon thoughts, I'd be happy to brainstorm one up for you. 😉 I haven't done one of those in a while.

Thank you so much for these questions, my friend! I hope these ideas and headcanons spark your interest. 💕

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bau-drabbles · 1 year

Text

masterlist/faq 💗

hi, i'm lia :) i really hope you enjoy reading these!! some of these might not make sense (written mainly at 12am lmao) so i do apologise if there's any mistakes/rushed. it will constantly updated so if there are any mistakes please don't hesitate to let me know 🤍

i'm always down to make new friends, please don't be shy to say hi or message!! :") i'd love to make new cm mutuals here ✨

requests/asks/drabbles/concepts are open!

i currently write for spencer reid and aaron hotchner but i'm not opposed to writing for the others, please feel free to ask. and if you'd like to be tagged for something specific or just in general, let me know <3 :)

mdni with any smut posts!! this blog is 18+ :)

spencer reid 🧸

best friends: fluff

meeting each other for the first time but he's completely entranced by you. much to your displeasure

say it again: fluff

being sick on a plane is never fun but your boyfriend is there to comfort you every step of the way

baby steps: fluff

the stars are beautiful but so is spencer reid, you have a hard time hiding the latter

keep me in your orbit, you'll know you drag me under: angst

it's simply much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch you at all. especially him

safety net: fluff

being in love is hard but spencer makes it all worthwhile

dancing with your ghost: angst

maeve's death affected spencer relationship with you more than realised, he just didn't know the true extent of it until jj points it out

whispered promises: angst

change is never easy, especially saying goodbye

request/asks:

do you like how i look? or just how i look on you?: angst

it's not easy having having relationship problems, especially when it stems from a woman he's loved for so long

only 1: angst

break ups are hard when you know deep down, you're not his one.

are you ashamed of me?: angst

loving spencer from afar is much easier than seeing him as he is.

insecurities: angsty fluff

spencer makes a comment a little too hurtful and it takes everything in you not to break down

soft moments with spencer: fluff

you find out your boyfriend is extra prone to accidents when he's away from you

struggles after prison: angsty fluff

prison was extremely rough, especially with self love and confidence but he's so lucky to have you by his side throughout it all

aaron hotchner 🦋

haunted, part 2: angst

emily, one of your close friends in the bau, comes back and after months of crying over her death you're not sure how to feel. it hurts the most when the deception also comes from aaron, the man you've loved for so long

the night we met, part 2: angst

what if haley never died that day? but what if your love for hotchner had to?

change your mind: angst

leaving the bau was difficult but leaving the man who holds your heart is even more worse.

goodnight n go: fluff/implied smut

drunk reader with oblivious/love struck aaron, the best type of mix

love me harder: smut

jealousy look good on hotch, so you've learned

requests/asks:

too many nights: angst

hotch loosing you because he's too stubborn, only realising how much you mean when you walk out of his life

you can tell me anything: fluff

having a sugar rush before bed is never a good idea. but your darling boyfriend will always entertain you

written in the stars: angst

being unable to be with hotch because of enemies but hotch is only complete and whole when he's with you

valentines day: fluff

spoiling aaron on valentines day <3

anxiety: fluff

hotch teaching you it's okay to be anxious, you're not alone anymore. you have him and the team

greedy for love: smut

your man is very stubborn but it's not an issue, you're an equal tease

making sounds: smut

aarons many sounds he makes in bed ;)

tender kisses: nsfw/fluff

small kisses with our beloved unit chief

saying goodbye: smut/angst

angsty emotional smut with aaron, clinging on to the reader before saying goodbye

hand in hand: fluff

running on a field hand in hand with your beautiful man, carefree and happy

picnics: fluff

a sweet picnic with the hotchner boys

soft hotch picnics: fluff

another picnic date with the hotch boys :)

aftercare: smut

how would aftercare look like with aaron hotchner? ;)

soft moments with hotch: fluff

staying back at the office and spending your evening in his company is a beautiful way to end the day

sweetest oblivion: angst

maybe hotchner isn't meant for you in this life

falling apart: angst. tw: implied suicide

you feel like you're falling into pieces and hotch can't quite save you in time.

dangerous love: angst

hotch can toxic with his work and it sucks to be on the receiving end of it all the time

3 + 1: fluff

3 times hotch pines for you and the 1 time the team do something about it

choosing between you and jack: angst

the choice is hard but it's one that has to be made

break ups: angst

its hard to leave a man you love with the entirety of your heart

nightmares: angsty fluff

hotch has a nightmare and you're the one he seeks

denying orgasms: smut

it's no surprise hotch denies your orgasms ;)

hotch cuddles: fluff

sweet sweet hugs with hotch <3

hurt/comfort: fluff

having a bad mental health day but hotch makes it all better <3

other 💌

spencer reid and his awkward smiles

your insta but you're dating aaron hotchner, part 1, part 2, part 3

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these-written-reveries · 11 months

Note

might be too angsty but can you write a ledger!joker x reader with a reader who self harms? either catching them in the middle of the act or seeing the scars they were trying to keep hidden?

Hello! First of all, thank you for your request! I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to write this at first, particularly because it's such a sensitive subject. The last thing I'd ever want is to upset or cause emotional harm to those who may be struggling with this themselves. That said, I want my writings to be a source of good and bring solace to those that are in need of it, so I decided to try my best and write it anyway.

I chose to keep things vague and without too much detail to help minimize the triggering aspects of this subject. Please use your own discretion when choosing whether to proceed with reading and let me know if there is anything wrong with this piece that I should fix. I hope this fulfills your wishes, nonnie. Sending all my love to you and anyone else who may be struggling with this. I strongly encourage you to seek the help/support that you deserve ❤️

◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆

-Try-

‣ Pairing: Ledger!Joker/Jack Napier x GN!Reader

‣ Summary: J finally comes face-to-face with the pain you've been carrying alone all this time and tries to help you bear the weight of it.

‣ Genre: angst, hurt/comfort

‣ Warnings: self-harm (no details mentioned of the act/object used), blood (minor references), scars/fresh wounds (no details), panic, breakdown/crying.

‣ Word Count: 2,226

‣ Have an idea for a fic you’d like me to write? Send a request here. But first, make sure to read my Request Info!

L!Joker/Jack Napier Masterlist

Main Masterlist

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It was just past midnight when J unlocked your apartment door and slipped inside. He was dressed in a casual outfit consisting of a black hoodie and jeans, the hood pulled up over his head and a surgical mask covering the lower half of his face. After locking the door behind him, he dropped the hood and pulled the mask off, shoving it into the pocket of his hoodie as he walked further into your apartment.

“Where’s my little dove?” he called out, announcing his presence so as not to frighten you.

It was becoming more of a frequent habit for Jack to come over to your place, especially to sleep. He’d usually let you know when he’d be coming through call or text, but today he hadn’t the time. In fact, he wasn’t planning on coming over at all today. But after the nonsense he’d been dealing with recently regarding work, he wanted nothing more than to pay a visit to his love to set his frazzled mind back in order. At this point, you were pretty used to him showing up at odd hours of the night to visit you, so he figured it wouldn’t be a problem if he stopped by tonight. You were always complaining about not seeing him enough anyway.

While your romantic relationship was still somewhat new, you’d known each other for quite a while by now. He’d spent months trying to woo you, which proved to be a bigger challenge than he had initially expected. Jack knew he wasn’t the most desirable man in the world, but he could tell that wasn’t the only thing holding you back from accepting his affections right away. There was more to you than met the eye, and he was determined to know all the complexities of you.

Jack had no problem taking his time with you. You seemed to appreciate this, so he allowed you to set the pace of your relationship. You hadn’t expected Jack to be so patient with you, yet he was, exceedingly so. He didn’t pressure you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with, and he didn’t judge you for your “odd” tendencies. As J saw it, he was more than a bit odd himself, so who was he to judge? In taking your time to build your relationship together, he’d learned a lot about the little intricacies of who you were, but there was a hidden part of you he had yet to become acquainted with. A mystery he could never seem to solve, until today.

Knocking lightly on your bedroom door, he found it to be unlocked and quietly turned the handle. You hadn’t responded to his previous call, so he figured you were asleep. His assumptions were found to be correct when he spotted you curled up on your bed wearing one of his long-sleeved button-down shirts and a pair of underwear. He took a moment to appreciate the sight of you before walking over to the other side of the bed. There you lied, facing the empty spot where he normally slept, the lamp you left on providing the perfect amount of light for him to admire your beautiful features. Though, the smile that began to tug at his lips upon seeing your face quickly faded as he noticed the puffiness of your eyes and tear stains on the pillow you were lying on.

Letting out a quiet sigh, he removed his shoes and hoodie and left them on the floor beside the bed before carefully climbing onto the mattress. Successfully managing to lie down beside you without waking you, he silently observed your face. Seeing you upset or hurt elicited the worst feelings in him. The emotion that manifested most frequently in him was anger. But the feelings he felt in moments like these were much more complex than that; so complex he couldn’t fully make sense of them. All he knew was that it made his chest ache and his stomach twist in a way that made him feel sick.

Deciding to take the risk of waking you, he gently brushed his knuckles against your cheek, his painted lips curling up into a fond smile as you subconsciously nuzzled against his fingers before going still once more. He continued, moving his hand down to trail his fingertips over your shoulder all the way to your fingertips. He glanced down at your other arm, that which lied between the two of you with your hand tucked under the pillow that supported your head. His fingers traveled to this arm, about to continue their journey when they suddenly froze in place at the familiar sight of crimson. Upon second glance, Jack immediately recognized this to be exactly what he thought it was. At first, he considered it to be an old stain—it was his shirt, after all, but it was too fresh for that to be the case.

Alarms began going off in his head as he went through all the possible scenarios of how you could have been hurt. It wasn’t uncommon to experience physical attacks in the dangerous city of Gotham—even more likely if anyone were to find out about your relationship with the infamous Joker. This is why J taught you how to physically protect yourself and gave you self-defense weapons to keep with you in case anything were to happen. He was also very careful when it came to keeping your relationship hidden from the rest of the world. Along with these things, he took a handful of other measures to keep you safe, making sure to cover all the bases. His biggest fear was you getting hurt, or worse, and him being unable to stop it. He’d do anything to shield you from any potential threats or harm that could ever come your way.

Yet, he’d never once considered self-inflicted harm to be such a substantial threat to his lover…

As he carefully pulled back the red-stained sleeve, his heart sank. He remained still as he stared at the scars and fresh wounds that covered your skin. At this point, you had awoken and immediately felt an impending sense of doom begin to fill your being at the sight of Jack looking directly at what you had tried to keep hidden from him for so long. You yanked your arm away and quickly sat up, pulling the sleeves back over your arms and hiding the rest of your body with the covers. Tears filled your eyes and panic manifested within your chest as an inability to breathe, the racing thoughts in your mind causing you to spiral even faster.

“I’m sorry,” your voice cracked as you uttered the words at barely above a whisper. You were trembling now, squeezing your eyes closed as your mind fed you every worst-case scenario in the book.

Silence.

Oh, how you hated to hear it.

It only provided your mind with more room to insert its own terrible thoughts and ideas about what J was thinking of you.

Unable to open your eyes, yet unable to stand the silence any longer, you spoke again. “Please…say something. If you’re mad or whatever, just say-”

“No.” His sudden interruption startled you, but you were still relieved to hear something come out of his mouth.

“Look at me,” he spoke firmly, but there was something else to the tone of his voice that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. You were too afraid to open your eyes for fear that you'd see nothing but disgust and disappointment staring right back at you.

You felt the mattress shift beneath you as J moved closer to you. A tear fell from your eyes that was swiped away by the pad of his thumb before your chin was gently grasped between his thumb and forefinger, tilting your head up slightly. This time, you bravely opened your eyes to look at your love before you. Instantly, you were met with a strange look in his eyes. Different than any look he’d ever given you before. One filled with so much love, yet carried with it a lingering sadness. This look alone pierced your heart and made it even harder not to crumble to bits into his lap.

“I’m not mad at you. Ya got that?”

The truth is, he was mad at himself. Particularly for not recognizing sooner. He was so observant when it came to you and yet he had completely missed this. It made his stomach turn to think that you had been struggling alone this whole time, unbeknownst to him.

Now everything made sense. All the “odd” tendencies you exhibited on a frequent basis. The way you avoided certain intimate interactions with him. He always thought you just didn't like to be touched that much, so he used his touch sparingly with you and only in ways he knew you were comfortable with. The way you remained so covered up, even when it was blazing hot. In his mind, he assumed you were just insecure about your body and after bringing it up once and seeing you shut down in response, he chose not to press on the subject again until you were ready to talk about it. So many things he could now link directly back to this. How stupid he felt for not being able to piece it together sooner. He could’ve been there for you this whole time and he wasn’t.

But as he looked at you now, your lip quivering as you nodded in response to him, he realized that what really mattered was being there for you now.

“Alright. C’mere.” He held his arms out and you blinked at him, unmoving.

"Do ya want a hug or not? Hm?"

Upon hearing this, you wasted no further time diving into his embrace. He pulled you close, one hand cradling the back of your head and the other wound securely around your waist. You finally burst into tears and clung to him tightly, making his attempt to move the two of you into a better position much more of a struggle, but he managed.

"Hush-ush-ush, it's okay, doll. I got ya,” he cooed softly at you.

He was ever so careful now with where his fingers touched you, choosing to keep them stationed at your back where they gently ran up and down your spine. This soothing touch paired with the sound of him shushing you softly between pressing kisses to your head was enough to calm you down much faster than you normally would have on your own. Now your sobs had dwindled down to mere sniffles and your tears were slowing their pace.

Recognizing this, Jack finally decided to speak again.

"Ya know, I'm always here for you, doll. You might think this changes how I feel about you, but it doesn't. Not one bit."

He could feel your body shake with quiet sobs in response to his words, his shirt being further soaked with your salty tears. He squeezed you a bit tighter.

"Will you let me help you? I'm not sayin' I have all the answers or that it'll be easy, ‘cause it won't. But we're in this together now, toots. I'll do whatever it takes to get ya through this. I mean it."

You were silent for a moment before you looked up at him and hesitantly nodded. The vulnerable look on your face was enough to break what was left of your clown’s heart as his eyes begin to sting slightly. He clenched his jaw to hold back his tears and pressed his lips to your forehead before pulling you closer against him. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he continued to speak.

"We'll figure it out together, hm? Ya got me now. So you better come to me when you're feeling like doing it again. Doesn’t matter what I'm doing. Ya know I’ll drop everything for you."

"It's…hard for me to do that in the moment,” you confessed quietly. J nodded in understanding and gave you another small squeeze of reassurance.

"Try your best, doll. That's all I'm askin’. I don't expect ya not to slip up from time to time. I'll still be here when you do. But ya gotta help me help you. Alright?"

"Mhm…” You nodded in agreement.

"That's my doll." He kissed the top of your head, leaving traces of face paint in your hair. "I love you, and all that sappy shit,” he muttered.

You let out a small breathy laugh and pressed a kiss to his chest before squeezing him tighter. "I love you, J. Thank you."

J scoffed, but a tiny smile tugged at his lips all the same. "Yeah, yeah. Listen, I don't need your thanks. I just need ya to be strong for me. Think you can do that?"

"I'll try my best.”

"Good. You do that and I'll take care of the rest. I got your back, toots.” He kissed your head and squeezed you again for good measure, his fingers traveling from your back, up to your cheek, grazing over your tear-stained skin. He stared at you affectionately as you nuzzled against his touch.

Looking up at him once more, you offered him the best smile you could muster in the moment. It was weak, but you were trying. And that was enough.

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‣ If you enjoyed this fic, please like, comment, and/or reblog! Doing so not only keeps my blog alive, but also lets me know what you like and how to improve!

‣ If you’d like to join the taglist for L!Joker/Jack Napier, or be tagged in all of my future writings, let me know by sending me an ask/message!

‣ Taglist: @jslittlebirdie

#ledger!joker #ledger!joker x reader #ledger!joker x y/n #ledger!joker fanfiction #joker #joker x reader #joker x y/n #joker fanfiction #ledger!joker angst #joker angst #ledger!joker imagine #joker imagine #jack napier #jack napier x reader #jack napier x y/n #l!joker #tw: sh #k.requests #kalistawrites

67 notes · View notes

bluecatwriter · 3 months

Note

⭐️ for the director’s cut game!

Since you wrote one of my favorite Jack/Arthur fics ever, I give you my very first Jack/Arthur fic: "Words and Voice Fail Me"! "When Jack Seward has a breakdown trying to record on his phonograph on October 11th, Arthur comes to comfort him."

(CW for discussion of period-typical homophobia)

-This was *checks notes* my third fanfiction I ever posted, and reading back over it, I can really tell— not so much by the overall writing, which has stayed pretty similar over the past two years, but by the way I handle the details, especially logistical details of who's doing what when. I just wasn't used to writing with such precision, and as a result a lot of the writing comes off as a little awkward. Would definitely streamline if I were to rewrite it now.

-This starts out with Jack's canon narration from the book, interspersed with description. This is one of my favorite ways to write because it feels very much like directing a play— the lines are there, but I'm "directing" (writing) the stage directions, as it were, to show how the character is saying the lines.

-I liked the idea of Jack breaking down here as sort of the culmination of all the past trauma that he hasn't been able to process yet, thinking of the way that Mina's "funeral" reminded him of Lucy's death and everything around it.

-Like most of my fics, I just started with the premise and let the character voices lead me. (It's very similar to playing an improv scene, just with me playing both characters rather than bouncing ideas off another person.) I originally intended for it to be a pretty straightforward emotional hurt/comfort, but as I kept writing and the scene kept unfolding, I realized that Jack was going to lose it and ask Arthur to kiss him— and when that happened, it opened up a whole different plot than I was expecting.

-I am still pretty happy with the line, ""Well," he said, straightening his cuffs just for something to do with his hands, "I suppose I shall—" He wanted to follow the phrase with an excuse, but his mind blanked out on anything he had ever done in his life. "—go."" This is a good example of me 1000% projecting my nervous habits onto Jack.

-This was the first time I realized that characters could have erotic tie-pulling and talk about emotionally-charged subjects while their lips barely brushed. It was the beginning of an Era for me. ;)

-There's some kinda interesting gender stuff here, with Jack escaping into a fantasy about him being a woman so that his feelings for the men in his life would be "natural." I feel like there's more I could've explored there, but the fic was long enough as it was.

-In this fic, I very intentionally wrote Arthur as demisexual, and have projected it onto him ever since.

-Jack has curly hair in this fic! This was before I realized that I'd given all three suitors curly hair, and decided one had to go. The casualty was Jack, so nowadays I describe his hair as "fine."

-I'm a sucker for "one character says 'I love you' and the other returns it but they're not sure they mean the same thing" trope, and I use it here. (This may be the only time I've written Jack saying "I love you" to Arthur— in my more recent fics, I often have Jack express his sentiment in different ways, rather than just saying the words.)

-It was fun to write a little scene with Jack pouring his heart out about all his crushes, and Arthur very logically analyzing them to explain why they make sense (except for Van Helsing— he just can't grasp that one). It was also a good excuse to throw in the phrase "virile manhood."

-Originally I wasn't gonna have them kiss again, but then the dialogue just made sense for Jack to beg for another kiss, and… well. There they go!

-"You can trust me, I'm a lord" is probably the best line-before-a-fade-to-black I've ever written. ;)

-Of course there's some angsty aftermath in this one, since Jack is still struggling with a lot of self-loathing. I feel like some of the writing here is a bit rough, but I'm still happy with the overall emotions that come across.

-I originally had this end on a pretty melancholy note, but reworked it to make it more hopeful that, regardless of whether or not they sleep together in the future, their friendship is still solid.

Thanks again for sending the ask! :D

(Ask game here)

#ask games #answered #my writing #dracula daily #dracula daily spoilers #arthur holmwood #jack seward #holmward #dracula (novel)#director's cut game

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jestbee · 6 months

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Fic Graveyard Tag

So @scoops404 asked me to list the fics in my "fic Graveyard" aka the fics in my google docs that I started but will probably not continue, and I decided to make it a tag for all my writer friends to do. List all the fics you started writing but probably won't continue and then tag some friends to do the same: For my version of this I've only included fics where I have over a couple thousand words because I have lots of docs with like 200/300 words in and that would be a really long list. Honourable mentions at the end! Working title/doc title: From whence you came Premise: Fae!George and Knight!Dream dsmp fic Pairing: dnf with side karlnap Word count: 7,602 Reason you stopped writing it: I'm not really a fantasy writer I just got the idea in my head and wrote a bunch of it. The karlnap dynamic in this of like himbo sapnap and mage!karl lives in my head rent free though

Working title/doc title: Shiny Things/You Earned It Premise: Sugar Baby AU Pairing: dnf Word count: 2,627 Reason you stopped writing it: I struggled with the initial way in to this as I didn't want to do it entirely AU but they both have a lot of their own money irl and although George likes when ppl pay for things the initial way into the arrangement didn't work for me. It kept coming out a bit more findom. I have extensive notes on it though and I may return to something similar at some point

Working title/doc title: the porn star au that Dream asked for Premise: They're porn stars, Dream is faceless and does amateur solo stuff on OnlyFans but is really successful, George does studio movies and is popular in his own right. Dream wants to transition to movie work for the money and requests to work with George, but no one is actually sure if he's gay or just gay for pay. This was based on Dream's tweet about "in an alternate universe I'm a gay porn star are still get cancelled for queerbaiting" or whatever it was he said. Anyway, every time I read my notes for this I love it a bit more Pairing: dnf Word count: 2,749 Reason you stopped writing it: Honestly, I liked the premise so much I worried about not doing it justice and now I get scared every time I try

Working title/doc title: Tricksy Dreamon times Premise: dsmp fic where DreamXD keep taunting George in the wake of Dream being locked in prison but then Dream escapes and shows up on George's doorstep all traumatised and in need of care. Essentially just some angsty hurt/comfort Pairing: dnf Word count: 4,327 Reason you stopped writing it: Again, I'm not really a fantasy writer or dsmp writer, my friend Charlotte just loved some fics like this and so I wanted to write her one but it's not really in my wheelhouse and so I'll leave her to read the actual good ones

Working title/doc title: the royalty au dream wants but that I didn't think I'd ever write Premise: George is a rebellious prince sleeping with a knight called Dream he doesn't really get along with but then he becomes King unexpectedly due to the death of his father and is faced with the perils of trying to govern a country. He's expected to marry the prince of a nearby kingdom in order to solidify their alliance, but he just can't seem to shake Dream, who has some very strong opinions about how George could be running things instead Pairing: dnf Word count: 1,804 Reason you stopped writing it: Again, not really my usual kind of thing. I'm a contemporary romance write - I don't know why I keep starting these things

Honourable mentions (fics that are a couple hundred words): Werewolf!Dream au - again, not my thing Spanking fic - There are already so many good ones and anything I could have put in this will probably be in a future longer fic of mine Living like you said - a fic with the summary "As YouTube falls apart, Dream and George fall together" about them contemplating quitting while getting together - idk why I gave this up except I didn't have a clear outline for it How to deal with alpha roommates - I so badly want to write more Beta!George like in my fic That's How We Play It (please read, it's my baby) and I started with a premise but again didn't have a clear outline, just a desire for Beta!George fake snf for the bet - what it says on the tin, really. abandoned because I lost enthusiasm for it (Sapnap probably pissed me off that day) Fertitlity stuff - occasionally I start fic to exorcise some personal demons and this was an mpreg one where they faced fertility issues and then split up only to get back together later on but then - well, my own life happened and it made this a bit impossible to continue. This is just the DNF, if you wanna see the Phan list, let me know!! I'm tagging: @scoops404 @czargasm @alittledizzy to do this too fi they want but also if they don't that's cool too :)

#fic meme

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a-world-with0ut-dr34ms · 2 years

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Spoiled Love

From Control - Full Story in Progress on AO3!

Graves x Reader

Graves felt like a different man after he returned from Al Mazrah. Colder. More stressed. Afraid, and at the end of his line...

Romance, Slow Burn, Hurt and Comfort, Angst, slight Character Study, Drama, a bit melodramatic I guess, secret relationship, FWB, Teasing, Shepherd is an asshole, Graves is too stressed to let you love him

Word Count: 3.3k

A somewhat angsty Graves x reader, where Graves is swamped and drowning in work, and the reader worries for him and struggles to help him. Might be boring, idk, sorry. More drama than romance, though the romance is more than implied.

Can be read as a one-shot, though I'd read this one first if you're new!

Masterlist

Something changed in Graves the day he came back from Al Mazrah. A darkness stirred in him in ways you've never seen before, clouding his eyes and turning them cold. It was such a stark difference from the Graves you've come to know this past year, you nearly felt you've come face-to-face with a stranger again.

Graves didn't want to talk about what happened when he got back. There were a million other things that called for his attention before his plane could even touch back down to HQ, and he saw no point in dwelling. Yet anyone who knew about Black Bag in the company knew the severity of the situation. Nothing would be the same again after everything that had happened.

But even so, Graves kept up this front, stepping off the plane by himself and having nothing but his own company to face alone. He wouldn't let himself waver once in front of his men. Keeping on as though he had everything under control.

As usual, he busied himself with what needed to be done next, letting his work keep him too distracted to stop and take a look at everything else going on in his life, continuing with business as usual. He'd spend his nights with you when he could spare the time; business as usual. And he never spoke a word of his troubles, which weighed on him more so by the passing days. Business as usual.

Looking back, maybe he just didn't want to worry anyone, or rather he did not want to worry himself. And had you no care, you may have taken this act of his at face value. Only you did care. Too much in fact, because you hadn't been aware of just how much it was you did until now.

This stormy night had been another long one. There were mountains of phone calls and paperwork that seemed to endlessly take precedence over anything else. You'd volunteered to do the bulk of it, seeing as your Commander already had a lot on his plate. But even as you hammered out a good chunk of all the tedious tasks for him, judging from how Graves hasn't left his office since this morning, you knew it'd be another late night of working until the sunrises before he could finally step out.

Seeing him this busy had been more jarring than you thought. Graves was always busy sure, but this? He'd work himself into an early grave before he'd ever come close to finishing everything.

So you meant to bring him a coffee that night, as a small gesture of kindness. You may not be able to knock him out of this funk he's found himself in suddenly, but you could be there for him in little ways.

However, you pause just outside his office door, upon hearing the sound of angry voices erupting from inside. Deep and dominant, attempting to talk over one another, before one finally speaks clearly enough for you to hear from the other side.

General Shepherd's.

"In case you've forgotten, you and your men are still under contract, commander."

You froze in place, a cold chill running down your spine suddenly. The General was here. You had a feeling Shepherd would want to meet with Graves about what happened; you'd hoped the conversation would be a cordial one. However, from the man's tone, you knew what he was saying had been anything but.

The General only continues to go on his rant, his voice damn near rumbling the door from its hinges. It's a good thing most of everyone had gone home for the night already. "This is just as much your fuck up as it is mine," Shepherd argues. "Now we can either fix this together, or you can go down with it. Your choice."

"That's what we're callin' this then?" You hear Grave speak now. "My choice?"

"It's an easy one, if you ask me," Shepherd calms more, his tone growing more patronizing by the second. "Do the right thing here, son. Having those missiles on the loose like this does no good for no one. It's bad for me, and it's especially bad for you and yours. Something like this can ruin a man's career for the rest of his life. I know that's not what you want."

Your stomach turns listening to the General speak. Of course he was going to frame this in a way that made things out to be more on the Shadows than himself. Never mind the fact that he gave the order and set all this up, to begin with. But despite the griminess of this, there wasn't anything Graves could do about it. You knew that, and he did too.

Graves had made his choice when he signed the dotted line and brought you all here.

You begin resting your ear against the door, straining to better hear them. To your dismay, it's only Shepherd who seems adamant to continue trying to weasel his way into your commander's mind.

"Now this can still be worth your while, if we get things done right this time," Shepherd coaxes. "Is that something your Shadows can do still? Or have I bet on the wrong horse?"

There's a small pause, but eventually, through the silence, you hear Graves' defeated voice say dully, "...It'll get done, sir. Count on it."

"Good," Shepherd says. "That's what I want to hear from you. That this'll get done. And that we won't have any more mistakes on your part. We can't have another repeat of what happened back there."

"There won't be, sir."

"Your men wouldn't want to see you cowering with your tail tucked between your legs after a single fuck-up, Graves," Shepherd says. "Now you get this done, and I'll make this worth your while. It's about time the Shadows made a real name for themselves, wouldn't you agree?"

You have to stop yourself from scoffing at the General's comment. The Shadows have made a name for themselves. A pretty well-established name too, one that's gone years growing on its own without the help of some washed-up general a little too power-hungry for his own good. Graves didn't need his help to get places; surely he wasn't buying this.

Was he?

You get so lost in thought that you nearly miss the heavy footsteps approaching the door suddenly. Too fast for you to be able to move before it's swung open, revealing you to the room like a surprise present. The next thing you know, you're standing face to face with a very caught-off-guard General looking down at you from the entryway.

As always he's outfitted himself in his dress uniform, his chest brandished with enough tin pieces of decoration to make a metal detector burst in flames. From the few times you've spoken with the General in the past, he's never seemed very impressed by your presence. That hasn't seemed to change much even now.

You look up at Shepherd awkwardly, before standing at attention and greeting him properly. Like him or not, he was still technically your boss's boss. Though you do continue to hold the coffee you'd brought for Graves in your hand, rather nonchalantly. "Good evening, sir," you say.

Shepherd looks you up and down, particularly fixated on the coffee. You could just tell he had a comment on his mind that might urk you if you heard it. Though he keeps it to himself, as do you keep your expressions in check, watching his lips get tight, his crow's feet intensifying.

The only thing that concerned you was the weight of Graves' gaze from behind him. Some mix between being happy to see you, and being too tired to want to deal with that fact.

"Shadow," he greets back. "We missed you back in Al Mazrah."

Unfortunately, you couldn't say the same. Had you been there you may not have returned. Your eyes can't help but drift into the room behind Shepherd, catching Graves slumping back over to his desk. You try not to stare for too long. "I wish I could have been there to help, sir."

"We'll find a use for you yet," he comments. "Excuse me."

You don't put up a fight letting Shepherd leave. The General walks around you, as you wait in the doorway for him to disappear behind one of the walls to the hall, before finally inviting yourself into your commander's office.

Graves sits at his desk, his hands placed solemnly over his head and elbows resting exhaustedly on his desk. He waits for you to shut the door behind you before he finally lets out that heavy sigh he'd kept in this whole time. "That man is going to be the death of me one of these days," he comments to himself.

You stop in front of Graves' desk, watching him remain still even as you draw near. "Let's hope not," you say casually. "We still need you, sir."

Graves appears less than amused than usual tonight. "You shouldn't keep poppin' by like this," he warns. "People notice that kind of shit."

You pause for a moment. You haven't forgotten about the secrecy of your relationship with your commander, given your roles. The fact that he felt the need to remind you only raised suspicion. Had something changed?

"I just thought you could use a little pick-me-up, nothing more."

You make your way over to his desk, placing the coffee down in front of him. You'd done so rather strategically, setting it close enough to see the man unable to resist inhaling its scent. You can't help but smile at the way he stares at the drink for a while, before finally caving in and sinking back into his seat, grabbing hold of the coffee.

"How kind of you, Songbird." Graves takes a sip, letting the warmth of it wash through him. He licks his lips and lets out a light groan. "It's perfect."

"What kind of second-in-command would I be if I didn't know what coffee you prefer?"

You see Graves finally take a moment to himself, closing his eyes to enjoy the coffee you'd brought. It felt good to see him not hunched over his desk for a change. The man seemed prone to forgetting to take moments to himself lately, needing the reminder more often than not.

Frankly, you're not sure who else would care for your commander, had you not been here. It didn't seem like he really had anyone else, the longer you've been around him. No one was waiting for him at home, no one wondering where he could be or how he was. No one other than you, and you weren't even supposed to.

You instinctively take your seat at the empty corner of Graves' desk, just a foot or so to his right. The moment you do, you feel his eyes on you, a witty remark already brewing in the air, telling you that his desk was not a chair. He'd say it every time you came by and did it, yet it never stopped you. Nor did he ever push enough for his warnings to mean anything.

Graves made no such comments on it tonight.

"You know me too well," he says.

Your mouth parts, ready to say something a little too sweet to him before you catch hold of that sentence suddenly, that excited glint in your eyes dimming ever so lightly. You're thankful he hadn't been looking at you when you did it; you hadn't meant to. Because you'd suddenly thought to yourself, would it be such a bad thing to know him too well?

You instead watch Graves' eyes drift off to one of the windows, watching the way the rain smacked against it. Lost in thought. It was a peculiar sight, seeing him this way; not very often was he a man who'd got lost in his own mind.

As his attention shortly drifted from you, your eyes dropped down to his desk, catching a glimpse at some of the paperwork he had scattered about. One file in particular catches your eye almost immediately. The file of a Shadow Company member, Erikson. One of the many who'd died that night of the operation.

A rock feels as though it's formed at the pit of your stomach, being reminded of the people your company lost recently. You could only imagine what Graves must have felt in comparison. He always had been personal with his men, knowing each and every one of you by name, and even remembering the little things you told him. Above all, you knew that so long as you served in his company that you would be someone to care for.

It's what made what happened in Al Mazrah all the more personal for him.

Yet Shepherd couldn't care less about the condition of Shadow Company or its leadership. The job always came before the people's well-being, and if a job well done meant Shepherd could stamp his name on it afterward, then he'd damn you all if need be.

You decide to finally speak. "How're you holding up?"

"I've been better, that's for sure," he admits. "But I've just gotta get caught up on the rest of this before we can get to fixin' things."

"Fixing?" You ask.

Graves pauses. He hadn't meant for you to read into his words, having spoken a bit more candidly than he might have realized. Still, it never took him long to find what words to say next.

"I got us into this," he says. "I'm doin' what I can to make sure we can get out."

You frown, seeing that Shepherd's words must have cut deeper than you'd hoped. "We all chose to be here," you say. "Don't blame yourself."

"As your commander, I find that a little hard not to do," he sighs, suddenly breaking his gaze away, almost shamefully. "I really might have fucked us with this one."

"Is it that bad?" You ask, though you know the answer already. General Shepherd had put your company in a real predicament.

"Bad would be an understatement," Graves says. "This is a fucking shitstorm. But if we keep at it, we can brush this off. I just need to figure out where we need to be next. After I get this done..."

Graves' rambling slowly leads him back to the paperwork on his desk, as he begins skimming files again, reaching over for his pen. You've lost count of how many days you've seen him in this exact position. Only his face grows more worn each day. It saddened you to see.

"Well," you push off from his desk suddenly, sauntering your way over to the commander instead. Graves sees that flirtatious look in your eyes and he has to keep from making a face. Though he does start to smile. "Why don't you take a small break and relax for a little," you say.

"Trust me, I want to," he sighs. "But I've really got work to do, Songbird."

"I understand." You get on your knees in front of Graves now, your eyes looking up at him provocatively. " Just sit back then. Let me take some of that stress away."

You rest your hands on the top of Graves' thighs, sliding them towards the insides, and watching the man sink back into his seat, his blue eyes peering down at yours with lust. You gently push his legs apart so you can take a better position between them. Once seated, one of your hands makes its gentle way to his crotch, your fingers finding a hardening Graves beneath the fabric, as a tattered huff exhales from his nose. It makes you smirk.

"Fuck," he says under his breath. "You really kill me sometimes, you know that?"

"Shh, relax," you whisper. You thumb him through his uniform, teasing him with your touch as your spare hand made its way to his buckle. Doing the only thing in your power you knew could make the man happy for a short while. The only thing he's seemed responsive to thus far. "Let me take care of you."

That's all you really wanted to do -- take care of him. This man you've found yourself slowly growing more invested in, each day you spend together. You enjoyed making his nights easier, you enjoyed being that distraction. You wanted him to finally start letting you into his world. Everything you wanted from him, you want to give.

You stroke him slowly, your fingers having found the shape of him through his pants, getting a good feel for him. As your hand rubs up and down against him, Graves cocks his head back in his chair, his chest rising and falling the longer you touch him.

There's nothing he wanted more than to let you continue; he wanted to feel you finally get that buckle undone and spring him free from his uniform. Picturing how warm and wet your mouth would be the minute you let your lips wrap around him, your tongue tracing love letters on his skin like you do every night. Just picturing it had him twitching with lust in your palms.

Yet any time his eyes would open back up, and he could no longer just imagine that it was only you here that mattered, he'd only remember that he's in his office. And then he remembered everything else that rests on his shoulders right now. You included.

You pause when Graves suddenly lifts a hand, gently cupping your cheek. His hands are rough and callous, yet you can't help but snuggle against it. The expression you make seems to draw in a longing gaze from him. Though his other hand reaches for the one you have touching him, his fingers stopping you in your tracks.

"Another night, darlin'," he says.

For a moment you had thought of protesting, though when you took a good look at him, that urge had given way. You see a man who wants to work. A man on a mission. A man too afraid to take a minute to himself when there was a job to do. How could you compete with that?

You accept defeat, making a gentle sigh. For a moment you felt embarrassed by how forward you'd been, given the rejection. However, at the very least it didn't seem as though Graves had the attention span to really pay any mind to it. His mind was in a million other places.

"I'm sorry," you say awkwardly, beginning to sit up from between his legs. However, Graves takes hold of your arm, keeping you near, at least for the moment.

"I'm sorry," he says instead. "I wish... well..." Graves' voice trails, his eyes getting lost in yours, too guarded to read and yet too bittersweet to look away from. "Give me some time. I'll make this right."

"Hey we've got nothin' but time still, right?" You smile, leaning forward so that you could taste the coffee on his lips. Graves doesn't stop you as you come in, letting your lips find his and wrap him into a slow, tender kiss. When you move to pull away, he only keeps his hand on your arm, leaning forward to chase your lips again. Wanting to stay this way with you for the rest of the night.

Had an email notification not dinged so loudly on his computer, he may have almost forgotten where he was.

Graves pulls away from you, his eyes instinctively traveling over to his desktop to see who may have emailed him. You couldn't help but chuckle at the desperation in his eyes as he did it, finally standing up away from him.

You make your way back to the exit, prepared to leave. However, you can't stop thinking about Graves' face, or the exhaustion in his words. How he wished for you not to care for him.

"Graves," you stop right before the door, looking back at him reassuringly. He looks up at you from his computer, waiting patiently. "Don't kill yourself working too hard," you say to him.

"I can't make any promises, Songbird."

No, he couldn't make any promises. None to you, and none that his job did not outweigh. All his promises have been left for his real passion in life. As you two agreed. Only now that things have only gotten worse at work, perhaps you were starting to regret having agreed to such terms so recklessly.

Graves doesn't say anything else after that, though his face does soften up. It's enough for you to part from him with a smile. A smile that only wavers the moment it can no longer see him.

...Chapter Nineteen Here!

@kishie8 ╮(╯∀╰)╭

#call of duty #phillip graves x reader #graves x reader #phillip graves #call of duty modern warfare 2 #modern warfare #call of duty modern warfare #modern warefare 2 #graves mwii #cod mw22 #mw2022 #Spotify #control

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jotatetsuken · 3 years

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He Left Too Early (Tetsurō Kuroo x Reader)

Summary: You had a good friend that you'd lost touch with for years on end, and you receive one call about that friend that you were not able to process at all, at least by yourself. You knew that you needed to call someone that would be able to comfort you the most and that someone would be Tetsuro Kuroo.

Warning: Reader's going through an angsty situation (friend's death), there will be fluff, mentions of anxiety, panic attacks and crying. Please lmk if I've missed any other trigger warnings. You can block #shyna angst if it gets too much.

Shyna's Seiyuu Birthday Celebration

Number of words: 1482

Tagging: @akaashi-todorki @cuz-like-why-not @quirrrky @mrskenmakozume @ohtobiors @hyeque @jordyn-degas

Let me know here if you want to be tagged in more content like this :)

A/N: The Seiyuu birthday celebration week is still going on, but, when I wanted to post about Kuroo, it was kind of hard to think about what to write actually. I mean, he may not be my first Haikyuu crush but he definitely was someone that helped me get over a lot of pain from my previous relationships, and reading certain fanfics and headcanons made me fall in love with him, more, to a point where I'd ended up writing my first ever fanfic, dedicated to him. Last year, I'd learned that a good friend of mine passed away from a heart attack and he was 24. I didn't know how else to grieve, I cried and sobbed, and then, this story comes out. So, to be told that I was jumping on the I love Kuroo bandwagon just to copy someone, discredits the personal experience I underwent in loving him and it hurts (long story lol). Anyway, I miss you VT. You left too early. Also, anything related to Haikyuu (the character, the setup) belongs to Haruichi Furudate but the storyline is mine, so reblogs, likes, and comments are highly appreciated <3 This was cross posted from Quotev (attached the link too 😄)

Barbara: Hey.

Y/N: Oh, hey. What’s up?

Barbara: I don’t know if you heard about Victor?

When someone mentions the phrase, “I don’t know if you heard,” I feel a big sense of numbness in my chest. Because of course, there’s a negative connotation to it. And here, Barbara’s talking about Victor Tyler. My junior in school. Someone I’d called my younger brother. He’d been there through my tough times in high school and had never left my side even when people avoided me. I tried as much as I could to be there for him. In fact, it was him through which I got to know Barbara Boyd, another junior. She was kind and so was he. Their eyes were so full of life and joy that they’d inspire me to keep going in life. I’d last met Victor 4 years ago in a café to catch up with him. He seemed excited about what was coming in the future. I wish I could’ve been there for him more often. But life got busier. Wait? Why am I overthinking again? Surely, it’s because he’s getting married or something…did he?

Y/N: Wait. What happened to him?

No reply. Okay. Something is wrong.

Y/N: Barbara. Tell me. Barbara.

Barbara: He passed away. Last night.

Silence. All I could hear was silence. My ‘baby brother’ was gone. Guilt was seeping in, so was disbelief. This cannot happen. Wasn't he online just a couple of hours ago? I wasn’t in touch with him for so long. I wish I was. No, this can’t be happening. Surely this is a joke.

Y/N: Wait. How?! What happened!!?

Barbara: Cardiac arrest.

My brain couldn’t process anything. Guilt was starting to dwell and sadness was trying to find its way in. I needed to know what had happened. Barbara later called to explain the situation and what had happened. She was told that his heart had given away at night. He’d had heart issues for quite some time when he was a kid. (And I barely knew about this, although I could see him struggling with physical exertion even at a young age.) He even underwent surgery and he was slowly recovering. What was more irksome is that he was finally happy in every aspect. He seemed to be settling down in every way. But, he wouldn’t get to experience his happy ending ever. Why is life sometimes so unfair? Barbara had found out through a friend who posted a story on social media and that's when I was slowly starting to come to terms with it. I wanted to be strong for Barbara, so I tried holding my tears. But later on, after hanging up, I immediately called Kuroo ‘cause I needed to hear his voice.

The Tetsurō Kuroo. Yeah, the Nekoma High Volleyball Team captain. Although we’d graduated from different schools and started working in different places, it was quite recently that we started dating. We were getting serious. I was able to share stories about my life and he, about his. We'd experienced a roller coaster of emotions together. And while as a friend and a boyfriend he could get really cheeky with his sense of humor, he always provided a space for me to be vulnerable with him, and he’d not hesitate to be vulnerable with me. Hence, for this moment, I needed to hear him. I was trying to process it all, but I couldn’t do it alone. I needed him.

Kuroo: “Hey, kitten. What’s up, everything okay?”

Y/N: “Hey babe, remember I once told you of a close friend from school who was like a younger brother?”

Kuroo: “Oh, yeah. Victor was it?”

Y/N: “Yes, babe. Umm…he...he passed away.”

I could hear a gasp and some sniffles from the other side. Kuroo didn’t know Victor, but he knew my adoration for that boy, and I could tell he was crying. For me. Because I wasn’t able to. I could also hear some noises in the background. Traffic maybe?

“Kitten,” he sniffs, "are you at home?”

“Um, yes. Why?”

“Okay, I'm driving to your place now. Look out from your balcony, in about 10 seconds.”

“Huh-“ I could see in a couple of seconds, that he was there in his car waiting for me to sit next to him. I locked all my bedroom doors except the balcony one and found a way to sneak out and sit on the shotgun seat of his car. It's not that my parents were strict or anything. On the contrary, they were the best support system I could've asked for. However, it was weird that the environment I was in made me feel claustrophobic like I needed air to breathe. So, no sooner than I got to sit in his car than we drove around for some time, stopping at a beach nearby in the night because he knew how much I like the sound of waves.

The car ride was filled with silence mixed with some calming music in the background. Kuroo, initially being his introverted self, was aware of how everyone acted around him and as soon as he came out of his shell, he made it a point to stay attuned to people's emotions, so that he wouldn't lose touch with who he was. This was what made me fall in love with him.

We parked the car close to the beach. The sound of waves crashing onto the rocks seemed to have a calming effect on me. I looked into Tetsuro’s eyes and there didn’t seem to be any light in them like he always did. They seemed blank, staring into nothingness, but he had to steel himself up for me. His small, warm smile then sent me to tears, as if he was telling me it’s okay to cry. Dang you, Tetsurō Kuroo. He hugged my disheveled self and kept my face on his chest so that I could bury myself in it.

“Babe,” I start to vent out, “he was just a kid. He left this world too early. He didn’t have to die of an effing cardiac arrest. He was..*sniff* so *sniff* young…oh baby, this is so not fair. I wish I could tell him how much I loved him. But all I can say is that I miss him and I’m sorry that I wasn’t in touch with him...I..I..I didn't know he had a girlfriend until *sniff* the day he died. How am I supposed to *sniff* encourage her *sniff* when I am unable to *sniff* come to terms with it *sniff*...I...I.."

“I know, babe. I know. Kitten, I have a feeling he knows even if he’s not here in the world right now. My love, I’m sorry for the pain you’re in. This, however, doesn’t change the fact that there have been instances where you’ve made an impact in his life and he’s made an impact in yours. Focus on that moments. Make him proud. Don’t just tell your baby brother you love and miss him, show him. He’ll receive the message. And as for his girlfriend, if you know her, which you probably do,” Kuroo smiled again as he patted my head with his hand, lifted it, and said, "I know that you'll find a way to comfort her even if she doesn't see it that way. You've experienced loss before, and you will again, but these experiences should make you stronger and help people in need." He brought my face close to him, kissed me on my forehead, and then kissed me on my lips. It was a kiss of sincerity, of protection, of pure love. Something which I was craving for right now. He then hugged me, letting me bury my face in his chest again, as Fix You by Coldplay was playing in the stereo of his car.

“I’ll try, love. I’ll try. Hope you’ll be proud of me, Victor. Someday.”

Victor was one of the boys who knew about my struggles with relationships and I was waiting to tell him about Kuroo, but he was gone. He’d have been proud to know that there was finally someone to be my equal. And the girl that Victor left behind? I can’t imagine what’s going through Hannah’s head and heart. I knew her in school as well, and if I’d get to meet her, I’d offer her a hug and assure her that he’s with her wherever he is. A friend of mine told me this, "There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there's no timeline for grief, and it looks different from day to day." So, I'd tell her to take time to grieve as much as she needs to and I'd offer to be there for her whenever she needed something. That’s the only way she can cope. That’s the only way we can cope. By being there for each other.

#shyna angst #tetsurou kuroo #tetsuna #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo fluff #haikyuu x reader #musings of an extrovert #shyna's seiyuu birthday celebration #coping mechanism #Spotify

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qsphyxias · 3 years

Note

Could I request a trans gender neutral reader coming out to their partner Nagito?

if you fetishize trans people, get the fuck out of here!

synopsis ; trans reader coming out to nagito (their partner)

warnings ; trans reader (gender not specified), reader is anxious, mention of panic attacks, some cursing, hugging, a bit angsty, kinda rushed but not really, mention of cancer (don't worry, this has nothing to do with cancer), overthinking

note ; can't believe i posted 3 times today + i wish i had made it a bit more realistic and bumpy but this seems more like a hurt/comfort happy ending type thing.

words ; 0.8k +

⊱ ───── {⋅daylight/moonlight⋅} ───── ⊰

"s/o! what a coincidence, didn't think i'd see you here…! in the kitchen!" nagito smiled sheepishly as he dried his wet hands on his pants.

"what? nagito we... we live together." you furrowed your brows at him, nearly forgetting why you went to the kitchen for. oh, right! you were going to come out. to your boyfriend. about being trans.

ahh, fuck.

you were sure he probably wasn't going to hate you for being trans, but given how you both have never really talked about the subject of gay, trans rights most of your relationship, you were still unsure of where he stood—now, it wasn't like you both actively avoided the subject, but it was with the whole killing game, and all the trauma; there wasn't really a lot of space or time for that.— not to say he didn't know what it was, of course.

surely his opinion on it wouldn't be too bad... right?

"oh, right... i- i'm sorry, my hope, i wasn't sure if living together was something i had dreamt of or had really been happening." nagito laughed at his own foolery, eyes dark with self-hatred.

"nagito, i need to tell you someth-" "anyway, there's something i'd like to-"

you both managed to stop in sync, once you both realized there was something each of you had to say.

you couldn't meet his eyes, summoning the courage to actually convince yourself to do this was hard enough, but now he had something to say too. 'god, the timing! he probably already knows, doesn't he? and he's probably already planned the break-up. of course, he knows, he knows everything! like that time when i took the shoe and-'

"s/o? are you okay? y- you're not having a panic attack, are you?" nagito would be lying if he said this hadn't happened before; he believes his 'aura' sends people straight into comas.

he gently placed his hand on your shoulder and brought you in for a hesitant hug, meeting his hand with his other hand and locking them behind your upper back and neck. he couldn't explain it, but he felt as if he could feel the intensity of your overthinking from where he was standing; being a fellow overthinker himself, he can read all the signs.

normally he would've blamed himself and his luck for the way you were acting, but judging by the way you hugged him back just as desperately, maybe even more; he knew it wasn't that, it was something else.

he hoped to god you weren't going to tell him you wanted to split, or worse, you had cancer.

you gulped down the golf ball in your throat and took a deep breath, as hard as it was to let some air in your lungs. what better time than now?

"nagito, i'm trans." you balled up the back fabric of the army green zip-up, nervous he'd pull away too quick.

your face scrunched up, as if bracing for the impact of his next words.

to your surprise, he let out an extremely loud, relieved sounding sigh, as if he had been holding his breath underwater but no one was timing it. "i'm so glad, i thought you were going to tell me you wanted to break up, hahaha.."

then it hit him that the day wasn't over yet. "... wait- are you?"

comedic relief, phew, just what the doctor ordered.

"no, nagito, of course not!" you let out an airy laugh, pulling away to watch his expression.

he was smiling. you've never been so happy to see him smile— and that was enough to put a smile on your face too.

"i'm so glad someone like you had trusted someone like me with this information about yourself." nagito grinned, his heart feeling full and grateful; it was a bit weird to be feeling this happy, but he always felt happy and worthy when you trusted him with information about yourself, when you opened up just a little to him. it made him feel like he was good enough for you, even if he didn't always feel like he was.

you sniffled, brain falling down from the adrenaline as you soon felt waves of emotion hit you. you felt a bit stupid for feeling so worried; of course nagito would accept you, he's nagito. "sorry- i was- i guess i was a little nervous..? haha." you chuckled sheepishly.

"i'm truly sorry to make you feel like you couldn't tell me about stuff like that, but i guess i can't blame you... i'm me, after all." nagito groveled,—speaking as if being himself was the worst thing you could've ever been cursed with—before smacking himself upside the head.

"nagito..." your smile dipped.

"sorry, i'm getting off-track. i promise i won't do it again." nagito apologized sheepishly, eyes shooting back up from his feet.

his eyes shut for a moment, only to open up again to reveal a sea of all different sorts of emotions.

he held your hands.

"s/o, you being trans won't ever change how i feel about you, you're still you, and i'm still unworthy of being with you; i'm just so happy you told me about this, s/o. the bravery and courage you have to come out like that and be so vulnerable in front of me, is truly astonishing and so, so generous... thank you for trusting me with this s/o, i feel like i've just witnessed pure hope. it's beautiful, isn't it? truly..."

nagito spaced out, murmuring on about his mini hope-rant. ah, he promised he wouldn't!

you gently shook him back to reality, trying to catch his eyes once again. "uh, hold on- come back, nagito. wasn't there something you wanted to say earlier?"

"oh, i guess i can't really stave it off any longer, huh?" nagito beat around the bush before finally spitting it out, "i accidentally paid some sketchy guy for what i thought were ceramic cups, and instead got, like, 11 ferrets. somehow. haha."

⊱───── ❝ 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴! ❞ ─────⊰

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kunimikat · 4 years

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hi! i'm having a hard time mentally lately and i recently found out that i kind of erm,,,,, when my mental health is really bad my brain is like "no!😀" and skyrockets me into absolute baby mode and just want cuddles and love and i feel really lonely and don't talk a lot. bokuto is my comfort character so if you woudlnt mind could you do some headcanons or whatever you want- about him helping? feel free to ignore this i know it's a bit strange💔 but i thought i'd throw it out there :) 💞

I really hope it gets better for you, I hope my shitty HCs somehow makes your day a little better. Lots of love 🥺🤲❤️oh and this might’ve come off more angsty but I promise I put fluff at the end. And listen to this while reading cause it just makes this- 💔🦟🦗🦟🦗❤️

Requests are open! And if you have requests like this I’m happy to do them :)

Also proof read but still might be mistakes.sorry, there might be some triggering things in here, but there is nothing crazy so I think it’s ok 🧍

Before you guys even got together he’d always check up on you.

To the point were he subconsciously did it anywhere, and anytime

He’d give you small owl knickknacks or a snack before school started, or when it ended. Making sure you ate something that day.

Or he’d just try to make you laugh as much as he could during then

But sometimes he’d drop everything, and just give you a tight hug. Anywhere, no matter who it was in front of. Holding you close to him, not saying anything but you could hear him tripping over the words he wanted to say but just couldn’t.

He could tell it was a bad day where you’d come in and just sit on the benches or bleachers with both in mind but staring at the bright fluorescent gym lights. Where you’d just zone out mid-conversation and look at your feet or phone in disinterest. When you’d throw in a sarcastic self-deprecation joke when someone would ask if you’re ok.

Or when you’d have days where you’d stay up studying, doing your homework, and not sleeping for who knows how long when you come in with the energy drink in hand. Or the days when you’d get nothing done, and just sleep everything away and just deal with it the next day.

It didn’t take a therapist or a mastermind to tell you weren’t ok.

The nervous tics, the small lip bites, the impulsive “Let’s do something and think about consequences later!”

Bokuto knew he was just like the latter but at least it wasn’t all the time, so when he saw his bestfriend and crush slowly killing themselves mentally (and maybe physically, he was hoping not), yet cracking jokes about it the next second. All he wanted to do was run in and kiss you until all you felt was loved.

He just wanted to see you happy again

He felt like fainting everytime he saw you giggle or laugh at his antics(knowing Bokuto that has probably happened)

Or when you and Ahgkaaashi would hang out with him at the Owl section of the Zoo and pick out your favorite ones

When you two would try cooking some dish either of you couldn even try pronouncing and it ending in a mess. One he didn’t mind cleaning up when he got to talk to you throughout the whole time.

The times you’d have to turn in your work a little late because you were helping Bokuto cope after losing a game, which he felt bad about but you brushed it off with a genuine smile saying “I can’t leave poor Akaashi with Bokuemo for the rest of the week can I?” “H-Hey!”

When you and Bokuto would hang out in the bird themed cafe on the end of the street from school. And just be yourselves without having to impress anyone.

How you excuse yourself from the group of people you barely knew the names of, to go cry in the bathroom then come back as if nothing happened.

Times where you both forget your in highschool with insecurities, voice cracks, stress, and having to make a decision regarding the rest of your life by the end of it. And just laying in some random parking lot, staring into the blaring street lamp light and the stars behind it.

Bokuto loved it when you didn’t use the jokes to cover up how you felt. Or how you jumped to another subject when he would ask. When you tell him everything you’re feeling.,

The confusion, the way you didn’t know why your mind worked the way it did and why you felt horrible all of a sudden but fine the next.

You wanted it to stop, to have an explanation for the way you think and why. Yet now you’re telling no one, and clearly holding it in. Bokuto was now watching you letyour emotions eat you alive from the inside out.

He just wanted the you he knew. The you that he had so many fun memories with. Not the forced persona you played when you needed a cover up for how you truly felt.

This wasn’t the way he wanted to confess but it was getting all too much for Bokuto to watch,

Bokuto’s tears were streaming down his face as he had you held out in front of him. His body was trembling and his grasp was so shaky it was easy to break away. But you knew you could ever do that to him, or yourself. He clenched his jaw , not being able to lock eyes with you, a painful tug at his heart everytime he locked eyes with your hopeless look. You felt tears brimming your eyes yet you didn’t even know why he sat you down here. But you felt it was your fault, so immediately you let out a ‘Sorry-‘

Instead of an answer Bokuto pulled you toward him, pushing your head into the crook of his neck. You let out a choked noise as surprise, instinctively wrapping your arms around his waist.

“Why...why’re you saying sorry Y/N? I should be saying sorry for not helping you, I-“

Bokuto lost his breath for a second as a silent sob wracked his body, bringing you closer to him. Tears were falling down from your eyes but you could barely feel them as they became a stream.

“Y/N, I love you, I love you so, so much. Why are you doing this to yourself? You know you could come talk to me, I-I’m not the the best therapist but,-“

He let out a shaky breath, pulling you back out to look at you directly. You squeezed his arm that was holding you, reassuring him you felt the same way, but also to go on. Puffy eyes and a tear stained face looked at you sternly. “Please, please don’t keep these feelings to yourself Y/N. It hurts, it hurts me so much when I see you like this. Especially since you feel like you can’t come to me. I-, I-“

Bokuto bit his lip, clenching his eyes tight, forcing the tears that were already threatening to fall out. “I don’t want to see you like this. I love you, I love you.”The only thing lacing his tone is the sincerity in it.

He says it again to make sure you understood every word that came from him. But he didn’t need to. His grip so tight on your arms it almost hurt. But in a way, you didn’t mind it as it showed you how much more serious this was to him.

“You have me, Kaashi, the team, and honestly anyone! We all love you and what you have to say!”

You both give small shaky laughs, despite the situation, the tension slowly melting. He wipes the tears that were flowing down your cheeks, kissing each one after he did. You held each one of his hand. Squeezing them to give yourself courage, and to know this was all too real.

“Bokuto...I’m so sorry to you and everyone else. I- I locked myself away because I thought I would be bothering you and everyone and could just get over it then push the feelings down. But now seeing you...seeing you so much...pain, someone I love hurt because of me. I...I really realize how I was affecting everyone.”

Bokuto tried denying but you shook your head, your eyes that were looking down were now up at him.

“I’ve come to reality especially after seeing you like this Bo, I love you too, and I want to make it up to you this whole week! No, month...year? Whatever. I’ll be better for our future. And you know what, why don’t I help you with that math homework so we’re both gonna get better at something by the end of the week!”

Laugher filled the once cold room with a feeling of warmth that you couldn’t explain. Bokuto leaned in and gave a small peck. You were about to give a small hum in happiness. Until he pulled far back away from you in panic.

“I-Is something wrong Bo? Does my breath stink-“

“N-NONONO NOTHING LIKE THAT. ITS JUST...I just kissed you without asking...a-and I read in a magazine you’re supposed to do that or your crush won’t like you back!”

Silence.

But you interrupted it with your laughter, holding onto to one of his shoulders to not fall over. He had a confused look on his face as he fidgeted, not knowing what to do. “Y-Y/N! What?”

“You’re so stupid Bo,”

And like that you pulled him into a kiss, one he quickly melted into. He made a small surprised noise, but that was the only noise of complaint. The kiss turned into Bokuto giving you pecks all over your face. A giddy feeling in your stomach with each one. Between the kisses you say “Y’know I’m surprised you decided to sit down and read a magazine without testing on the real deal.” His face has a small flush, instead of saying anything he just kisses you aggressively all over, causing you to reel back and laugh harder. He pulls away from the assault and grabs your hand. He leads you over to the couch and hugs you as you both flop onto the couch. You looked at him confused, “Bo?”

But he just turned the TV on, clicked through the channels, until he found one he liked. He looked over at you excitedly, “Let’s cuddle and watch the movie I was talking about last week!”

The genuine excitement in his voice was all it took to have you wrapped around his finger. So now it was getting late and you were falling asleep to Bokuto gently rubbing his hand in circles on your back. And his faint smell of cologne luring you to sleep.

Hey! Sorry if this is on the shorter side, but I tried packing as much emotion as I could into it to make up. I hope you enjoyed this, cause I added a few of my little issues into it so I hope you don’t mind. (Also along with some people ik) I really hope it gets better for you, hopefully by now even though this came out late (sorry really busy this month for some reason🧍) if you need anyone to talk to I’m always open to hear❤️..

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spacerocksarethebestrocks · 2 years

Note

Maaadz !! Can I rq 14 (“I think I forgot what it feels like to be genuinely happy.”) from the angst prompts for Cin? Perhaps a conversation between him and anyone of your choosing post War? (Kisses and hugs)

Hello!!!! Sorry I took so long to get to this, I was busier than I thought I'd be!

It turned out more soft than angsty, because I am sad and I needed more comfort than hurt.

They're BROTHERS and THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.

Terrible Jedi compliant if you squint.

And The Healing Has Begun

read on AO3 or below the cut ❤️

Cin laughed, and the force of it took him off guard.

He blinked, as Kit continued to roar with laughter beside him. It was their monthly lineage dinner – only the second one they’d managed to hold since the war started, and the first since it had ended. Cin and Kit were the only ones remaining in Cin’s quarters.

Yoda had retired first, walking Zatt back to Kit’s quarters at his bedtime as a thinly veiled excuse to spend some one on one time with the youngest of his lineage. Obi-Wan had gone to find his partner, who Cin would have gladly invited if there was enough space, but sadly there wasn’t. Anakin had left next, keen to go see the twins and his lovely wife. Bene had gone next, off to hang out with her friends, dragging Ahsoka and Nadhar with her. Lastly Serra and Bant had left, kissing each of their cheeks before shuffling out of Cin’s quarters and leaving Cin and Kit alone.

That was an hour and two bottles of wine ago.

“Cin?” Kit asked, and startled him out of his reverie.

“Sorry,” Cin replied, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “I was just trying to remember the last time I laughed like that.”

Kit was quiet for a moment, watching him closely.

"Did you manage it?" he asked, snuggling backwards into the sofa with his beer balanced in one hand.

Cin wracked his brains.

"No," he said thoughtfully, "I don't believe I did. Is that sad?"

Kit tipped sideways into his shoulder, which Cin supposed was answer enough. He rested his cheek on top of Kit's tresses, an oddly unfamiliar feeling. He used to do it all the time when Kit was younger, but Kit had grown taller than him by age sixteen and had enjoyed rubbing his height in Cin's face. Quite literally, in many cases.

"I think it was when Bene was little," Kit said suddenly, "when she was a toddler… You laughed all the time back then."

Cin thought back, and decided Kit was likely right. He glanced across the room to one of his favourite pictures – Serra in her padawan's outfit, giggling baby Bene balanced on her lap. He smiled softly as he recalled the day it was taken. Another lineage dinner, though it was more of a lineage picnic in the temple gardens.

You could do that kind of thing, when the oldest member of your lineage was the head of the Order. Yoda had shared a story of getting into trouble as an initiate, he'd got into trouble for eating the frogs that the gardener's kept as pest control. Serra had started making frog noises, and Bene had giggled. For the rest of the day, for the rest of the year even, Serra had made frog noises to make her little sister laugh.

He'd been so happy then. They all had.

Even before the war, things had been growing darker and darker for years.

As battlemaster, the safety of every Jedi fell to him. Whether they were in the Temple, or out of it. He trained them, made sure they were able to defend themselves, made sure they could repair their weapons and made sure they had a safe haven to return to once their missions were over. But less and less had come back to their safe haven as the years went on, less and less attended his lessons, and more and more funerals took place with every passing month.

It had weighed on him, more than he'd ever realised.

"Do you know," Cin said, “I think I had forgotten what it feels like to be genuinely happy."

"But you remember now?" Kit murmured.

Cin looked at his little brother, one of his dearest and most trusted friends, and smiled.

"I believe I do," he said.

#madz writes #my writing #cin drallig #kit fisto #terrible jedi verse

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neoloves · 4 years

Text

— 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐧𝐨 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧.

| 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 | The second part to 'Oikawa, Tsukishima and Akaashi comparing you to their ex'

Part 1 can be found here ♡

| 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 | Oikawa Tooru, Akaashi Keiji and Tsukishima Kei

| 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠(𝐬) | swearing

| 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝.𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 1.6k

| 𝐚𝐭𝐡.𝐭𝐱𝐭 | I'm not even gonna front, I wanted to do the part 2 angsty, but I didn't 🧍🏻‍♀️ happy endings for everyone! ✨ damn why this so long for

(also I just realized 'how to say sorry' by middle school is the perfect song to listen to when reading this 👁️👁️)

「 Oikawa 」

Oikawa slaps himself one more time, his vision was getting blurry, his eyes searching for one person, that one person that's put up with all his bullshit and loved him thoroughly. "Fucking hell Oikawa, can you focus a little bit more?!" Iwaizumi yells at him, they lost the first set, all because Oikawa couldn't find you at the bleachers.

"Oh I'd love to, but you see Y/N-" Iwaizumi cuts him off, "Y/N didn't come today because she's still hurt you ass! Now get your head back into the game," Iwaizumi sends him one last glare. Oikawa scoffs, you were his lucky charm, whenever you were there to watch his games he was more motivated to win but without you, it's almost like it's not worth it.

Even after all of the things Oikawa said, you couldn't help but watch his games, it felt like a routine for you. The game finished with Aoba Johsai winning, the gap wasn't big but they won and that's all that matters. You quickly made your way out of the gym but someone's hand stopped you from doing so, looking up you see Iwaizumi. He was the one that ran after you instead of your boyfriend, he helped you calm down during that time, "Y/N can we.. talk?" He asked.

Looking around, you didn't see Oikawa anywhere so you agreed. Walking just outside the gym, there he stood, the moonlight was shining down on him so beautifully, fuck. "Y/N, please have a listen to what he says, he's been a wreck these days.." Iwaizumi says, offering you a gentle smile before leaving you two. "So.. what did you want to talk about? That you wanted to break up? That you found someone that's way better than me? Someon-"

"No! No one is better than you! No one can ever replace you y/n, so please listen to me. The shit I said before was because I wasn't thinking straight, it was never you, I just- I just thought that you might see the real me, pathetic little athlete and leave one day, I didn't want that to happen.. I'm sorry," Oikawa said, his chest heaving up and down, his pretty hazel eyes had tears flowing down his cheeks.

You couldn't watch Oikawa cry, all you wanted to do was wrap your arms around him and tell him that it was alright. Instead you approached him slowly, taking his hands into yours, "I forgive you Oikawa, but it'll take time for me to put in trust in you," You said, giving him the slightest smile. "T-That's do-able, I'll wait until you're ready again, and I promise to not break your heart again," And he plans to keep that promise.

「 Akaashi 」

Akaashi tells himself that he'll be a better boyfriend, he'll make it up to you. But why can't he send you a single text? Maybe call? No, he wants to apologize in person, the longer he drags this fight out the more he realizes how much of a wreck he really is without you. He starts to ask himself, 'What would y/n do?' or 'Have they eaten yet?'

The last time he's seen you was at the hallways, he's always seeked you out but you always avoided him, the calm and composed Akaashi Keiji, going crazy over you. "How do I even make her listen to me Bokuto? She won't even spare me a glance.." he muttered, Bokuto felt pity for his friend, 'Maybe this is how y/n felt when I ignored her,' he told himself.

"Just walk straight up to her, say that you want to talk and apologize, don't make excuses, say that you're sorry, wholeheartedly," Bokuto says, smiling at him. "Easier said than done," Akaashi sighs, it's the first time he's ever dealt with something like this, but for you, he'll keep trying

He found the perfect opportunity to face you when the teacher had asked Akaashi to help you with some subjects you were failing, you've skipped school for a week prior to the argument. It's been hard to catch up with all the work, so Akaashi was sent to lend you a hand. You were more than surprised when Akaashi comes up to your door step, "Uh.." You said, slamming the door onto his face, but he was quickly to catch it, leaving the door slightly opened.

"Y/N I was sent here by the teacher to help you with school.. and to apologize," He said, hesitantly, opening the door once again. You let Akaashi in, you couldn't tell but Akaashi was nervous as hell, all the words he's rehearsed were forgotten the moment he saw you. He curses himself for hurting you, "Sorry, you were forced to come here to help me," You said, keeping your gaze on the floor. "No, I should be the one apologizing,"

"It was unfair of me, ignoring you and then lashing out like that. I don't know why I did that, but I want to apologize, I never wanted to hurt you, some boyfriend I am," He said, his mind replaying the scene over and over, he can't forget the hurt look on your face. "I'm supposed to protect you, not hurt you, so.. you can decide if you still want me or not, I'll respect your decision," He said, "I– You know I still love you so much Akaashi, of course I want you back, but please, give me time.." You said, your heart feeling way lighter.

"Of course Y/N, I'll give you all the time you need, I'll be waiting," Akaashi smiles, he can wait for a lifetime, maybe even forever just to have you back in his arms.

「 Tsukishima 」

Tsukishima can't help but glance at your seat from time to time, it was empty, it's been empty for a week now. You weren't the type to skip school, but he guesses you have an excuse to not come anymore. How would Tsukishima let you know that he didn't mean all the shit he said? How would he let you know that it's always been you?

Even Yamaguchi started to make up excuses about not being able to hang out, Tsukishima fully knows that Yamaguchi would meet up with you, but he doesn't why. He guesses that it's to console you, but it's making him feel bad. Having his friend comfort you instead of him, but he can't really say much as he's the cause of this. So he'll endure it until he can't anymore, jealousy is an ugly emotion and he knows that fully well.

He's been seeing you and Yamaguchi together more often, sure it tugs at his heartstrings but what the fuck can he do? He's a coward that runs away from emotion and bottles them up until it comes around to bite his ass. That's exactly why that argument between you two happened in the first place, he's been dealing with personal issues with college and his life that he ended up bursting it out on you.

"Nothing I do is ever good enough, fuck," He curses, as he misses another ball. "Are you alright Tsukishima? You're usually not this distracted," His teammate asked, "It's nothing, just tired, let's get back to practice," He replied, not wanting to answer anymore questions. His teammate seemed to have gotten the message and left him alone, "How about we go eat out tonight? My treat," Their captain suggested, "Sorry but I think–" Tsukishima was going to decline but the captain insisted.

So now he was getting dragged to a barbecue house, what Tsukishima wasn't expecting was to see you and Yamaguchi at the same restaurant as he was in. He couldn't turn away, you looked so much happier with Yamaguchi, would it be right to let you go? Should he keep fighting? You sensed someone staring at you for a while now, but when Yamaguchi leaned towards you to whisper, "Tsukishima's here, what do you want to do?"

"Nothing, I'll be perfectly fine," You said, minutes had passed but you've grown more and more uncomfortable with the amount of staring Tsukishima's done. This is so strange even for you, Yamaguchi sensed your uncomfortability and suggested that he walks you home. "Sure, I need to get back home anyway," you answered, Tsukishima was sure as hell that he's not gonna get another chance to talk to you unless he does it now, so he takes it.

"Tsuki?" Yamaguchi said, "Can we talk Y/N.. in private?" He asked, trying not to sound as desperate as possible, you stayed quiet for a couple of seconds but ultimately deciding to hear him out. You two step out of the restaurant, the streetlight flickering above you two. The atmosphere was tense, a little bit awkward, your gaze bounced all over the place, from his trimmed bangs, to his brown long coat, then back to his eyes.

"I'll keep it short, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I was inconsiderate of your feelings and how I didn't think about my words before spewing them out. I'm sorry for making you feel like you weren't enough, cause you were more than enough, and I feel like I should've shown you how much I appreciated you more.. but I couldn't, and I.. I'm sorry," He finished, his eyes unwavering, that was the Tsukishima you knew. His jaw was clenched, most likely to stop himself from crying.

You felt the sincerity from his words, that was more than what you wanted. "Thank you Tsukishima, I accept your apology, but.." Tsukishima was hooked on your words. "I'd like to be treated out for food so that I can see that you're really sorry," You said, obviously joking, but half not really. Tsukishima lets out a small chuckle, there was the y/n he knew. "Of course, pick any place and I'll pick you up tomorrow," Tsukishima said, starting tonight, he'll work hard to be the man you deserve.

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu scenarios #hq #haikyuu headcanon #haikyuu oikawa #haikyuu akaashi #haikyuu tsukishima #Tsukishima kei #oikawa tooru #akaashi keiji #akaashi x reader #tsukishima x reader #oikawa x reader

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jerzwriter · 2 years

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25, 29 and 35 from the Questions for Fanfiction Writers!

Hey D! 💕💕 Thanks so much for the asks love!

From this list.

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

Many of the ideas for my fics come from random daydreams that pop out of nowhere. Once they happen, and the dialogue starts, POW there is a story. It's really cool!

Let's take DTI - I have ideas in my head about what happens to the characters after. I took some of those ideas for Tobias & Casey and melded them into their headcanon. I'd like to do that with Ethan too, but I'm not fully sure how yet.

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

I already answered this here, but I can expand a bit. I know I have this angsty rep, I get it. LOL But the truth is, writing some of the darker ideas (Forever, See You Again, When the Bough Break) was very difficult for me on many levels. I don't love breaking hearts, but I love exploring emotion. I don't like "destroying characters" (cough) but I like forcing their growth. It's wasn't easy to do, but I'm glad I did it because I think some of my heartbreak pieces are my best of all.

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

OMG GIRL you know I could ramble about this for ages! lol

But, what I'm going to ramble about is the fandom itself. I was so naive when I arrived here, and I didn't know about some of the ugly underbellies of fandom life. Ideally, this should be a place where we come to share our love and build one another up, but sadly, that's often not the case.

In many ways, it's just a microcosm of the world. I wish there was more understanding, more kindness, and more giving people the benefit of the doubt. I wish people wouldn't infer so much and I wouldn't be in such a rush to assume the worst about others. Some of the shit I have seen in this past year still blows my mind. And I'll admit, I've done some of the things I'm rambling about here myself.

After being attacked viciously earlier this year, I felt the need to protect myself. Cowards that hide behind anons and burner blogs can really get into your head. You begin to wonder who is pretending to be a friend and stabbing you in the back. Because of that, I've probably, no, I have definitely hurt some people's feelings and I feel horrible about that.

I decided not to do that anymore, I'm here to write, read and, when I'm lucky, meet some wonderful people and make some new friends along the way. I'm not going to whip myself into a froth over an imaginary slight. If I get another cruel anon or another attack, and, sadly, I now realize it's only a matter of time before it happens, I try not to sit around wondering who. I try not to fixate on it. In the end, it does more harm than good. I'm not a fool. If I know someone has hurt me, that's one thing, but if I'm speculating - I'd rather give someone who has been cruel the benefit of the doubt than potentially hurt someone who has not done anything wrong. I don't want to become the monster to protect myself from the monster - if that makes sense.

Not exactly fic related, but fandom-related, and something on my mind quite a bit lately. I wish everyone would do better - but I can't expect others to if I don't myself. So, there is your ramble. lol (ANd it's a ramble because I'm TIRED right now. lol )

Thank you, dear!

#writer asks #asks #asks answered

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sulkybbarnes · 4 years

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I just saw your post about misinterpreting characters. It was tagged with Adam and Bucky (two of my favorite fictional characters) and though I feel like that when I sometimes read fanfics, I can never just put my finger on it and I'd love to read your take on it!

Oh lord where do I even start... alright, this might get long so apologies in advance, but I have nearly a decade’s worth of thoughts on this. The short answer is: both characters often get severely over simplified, stripped away from essential characteristics, and their understandable reaction to their respective trauma gets overlooked in order to make them more “palatable” and to favor other characters in fics.

The long answer:

Let’s start with Adam Parrish. We meet Adam when he’s only 17 years old and we learn that he is an abuse survivor who comes from severe poverty, and along the way we witness trauma that leads to Adam having a disability, and later on learnt hat Adam is bisexual. Adam’s character is very realistic to someone in his position, so that he’s flawed and has issues to work through as the series goes along. These issues are presented at the start of the series through two unreliable narrators: Gansey who is proud and often self-victimizing, and Adam himself who is very introspective and lives in fear of turning into his father. Thus the characteristics the text gives us is that Adam is “cold and calculating” which is courtesy of Gansey, and that Adam is lonesome and prone to anger/arguing with his friends which is Adam’s own worries and insecurities manifesting in his chapters. And yes sure Adam at the start is -understandably- angry with the world at large and feels as if he’s ten steps behind everyone and playing catch-up, but he’s also visibly self-aware and constantly trying to curb any anger and moderate his reactions (even when they’re justified). The book also shows us through actions that Adam is sweet and thoughtful from how he acts around Blue, and shows that he develops as the books go on to be more aware of his actions, more confident in his own goodness, and more willing to show love and allow himself to be loved in return. The later books (BLLB, TRK, Opal story, CDTH) all show an Adam who is kind (his interactions with Opal), thoughtful (his constant thinking about Ronan’s feelings and not wanting to act before he knows he’s as serious/sure about them as Ronan is), a good friend (I’m just gonna.. gesture at the whole Blue/Gansey thing and how gracefully Adam handled it when they didn’t even deign to give him the benefit of the doubt), and a very loving person (which we see in his every interaction with Ronan from TRK onwards). So that’s Adam Parrish, complex and flawed but inherently a good person and a good character.

However, Fanon Adam Parrish is a different story all together because he is often stripped to whatever bare essentials would serve the fic he is in. SO, in fandom you see an Adam who is either cruel and cold, as to serve some infantilizing hurt angsty version of Ronan. You see an Adam who is angry and prone to lashing out, to serve posts about Gansey being an angel who’s faultless and constantly hurt by his friends. You see an Adam who is disrespectful and hurtful to serve posts about why it was okay for Blue and Gansey to behave the way they did to him. Or on the complete opposite end, you get an Adam who is demure, shy, and almost disgustingly helpless to serve in a fic where he needs saving or some misguided hurt/comfort thing. Adam also often gets stripped away in the latter fics from any rightful anger or sharpness that relates to his trauma. Said anger is treated as something that makes him an unlovable or annoying character (you can find these takes everywhere in trc fandom), and therefore people need to overlook it to make him more palatable to them. Adam’s anger, as we see in CDTH, is often turned inwards and is an on-going struggle for him because it still feels at times as him against the world. It’s one of the best things about his character if you ask me, because it is what he grows out of the most, and what he continues to face and develop against. This trait makes him human and shows his vulnerability. Adam in canon is touch starved and loves fiercely, but in fanon the anger he displays gets used to paint him as unfeeling or constantly angry. Even though Adam shows anger only as much as any other character in the series, and often in a way less explosive (Ronan) or hurtful (Gansey) or entitled (Blue) manner. And so the point is that fandom takes away the complexity that makes Adam Parrish who he is, and molds him into whatever is easiest to digest and shove into a box that works better for the other characters. Adam’s development and arc get completely overlooked most of the time. He is often misinterpreted as one shallow thing, when he is a beautiful mix of emotions that make him Adam Parrish, and make him endearingly and painfully human and real.

Bucky Barnes, my original fave guy, follows strongly along the same lines. All you have to do is change names and events from what I said before and you’ll get how fandom treats Bucky. What I adore about Buck’s character is that he was established instantly as fiercely loyal, loving, fun, a good friend, and someone who is so important to Steve that we see Steve take on a suicide mission to get to Bucky. The progression of the other movies deals with Buck’s trauma and shows all the new aspects to his character that stem from said trauma, while maintaining the undercurrent of goodness and humor that we saw from pre-war Bucky. But once again, the complexity of Bucky’s character and his storyline; the trauma, the PTSD, and the fact that m*rvel never lets him heal, all boils down to fandom only choosing what they find palatable about Bucky and leading with that. I have less to say about this only because I’ve been a fan for too long, and have learned to conduct myself so that I don’t run into upsetting posts anymore, and read fics with a tone and characterization that works for me, but there’s a lot of content out there that strips Buck of his characteristics so much that he might as well be an OC. I will say that you might get more leeway with content based on a movie, than you do with content based on a book (where everything is glaringly obvious in the text), but I still have to roll my eyes at most content I see for Bucky, where he’s either helpless and waiting for someone to save (did we watch the same movies??), innocent and naive in how he conducts himself (...did we watch the same movies?!), or he’s unflinchingly cool and cold and unfeeling (seriously, DID WE WATCH THE SAME MOVIES?!). So once again the endpoint is that Bucky’s misinterpretation comes from a shallow understanding of his character, or complete lack of care about how he’s portrayed so that only one trait -whatever is needed for a fic or a post- is central and amplified while everything else he is falls away. I’m not pretentious enough to say that people can’t just have fun with a character and write whatever they want about it, because they absolutely can.. I’m just saying that it’s not my cup of tea and I wouldn’t read it. In fact, I only made a couple of attempts years ago at writing Bucky myself and then decided that I would rather read well-written things about him, than try and get it right myself because I’d get all in my emotions about his character.

Tl;dr The theme of having your autonomy taken away and fighting like hell to get it back, and remaining good along the way is what makes both Adam and Bucky so close to my heart. Their respective trauma and complexity is what makes me love them both a lot, and I wish fandom didn’t often strip them away of their complexity to make them easier for fandom to digest.

#sorry.. I told you this will get long #adam parrish #bucky barnes #ravens-world #pynch #asks #mara talks for ts #trc #trc meta

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