#and I'm bringing this up because I am having a relapse into one of my favorite characters ever

[bamsara]

I'll ask, if it hasn't been already - regarding the tags on the fanfic poll:

What kinda things make you click out/give you the squick? I'm so curious 👀

rubs my hands together: could be a mix of things anywhere between character dynamics, personalities or even how the fic is formated

Btw for people who don't know what squicks are: 'Squicks' are just personal preferences that someone doesn't like. Nothing wrong with em it's just not your vibe. (Exp: Like how all my friends HATE tomatoes but I am tomato eater forever)

anyway long ramble list:

Can't read big blocks of text without breaks very well, and I dislike when characters (esp main characters that are talking in every chapter/scene) have bolded or italicized dialogue. I think it's fine for special reoccurring characters but it genuinely messes up with reading flow for me when it comes to taking in information if used too much

If I'm reading a fic specifically for a monogamous romantic paring, I don't care for the 'past lover interest reappears' trope or one of them currently has one, or the love triangle that results in one of them being like 'oh but i love them both i can't possibly choose!' *cough twilight cough* it just makes the relationship feel disgenuine and icky. zero stars. Any mention of a character's past relationship usually makes me just click out, just personally not here for that

-^^^ to go with this, big fan of the 'misunderstanding where someone thinks there's a love rivelry but the third person never had a chance.' Like to the main pairing there's only eyes for each other and that's all they care about, there's just some third person who's there and causing problems (either because someone in the pairing is jealous of the third person thinking they're gonna steal the other when it's not, or the third person thinks they're a love rival when in reality they're not even thought about) *cough Tyren cough*. I think there's a lotta comedy to have with this. Bonus points if it brings main pairing closer together

When characters have linear character development and recovery. I prefer my characters to realistically relapse and bit a little bit of a hypocrite as they develop from start of story to end. Failing and falling short and again makes the final result much more satisfying when they're healing

When characters use 'therapy speak' or otherwise react perfectly 'acceptable' to stressful situations. Again, I prefer realistic depictions of characters under stress, and work out becoming better under that stress rather than just One Big Thing Happen and suddenly they're never going to react negatively or lash out again because another character told them It Was Bad and To find Better Coping Mechanisms.

Unhappy endings. (Or open ended ones) Sorry for hurt/no comfort lovers but none of my fics will have unhappy endings. I like my stories to have people that go through absolute hell and still come out on the otherside

The ace in me doesn't care for fics where physical attraction is a large part of the ingredients that gets the pairing together. Not saying they can't admire each other when the sunlight hits them or wearing a nice outfit but just not a fan of reading about how 'sexy' a character is to another. Probably why I usually blast all my characters with the aspec beam

That's all I can think of off the top of my head but if someone had a more specific question I might be able to answer

[skiddlecat]

you know what? fuck it. the dynamic between taco and microphone is really interesting and dumbing it down to "evil terrible abuser and poor innocent victim" flattens both of their characters simultaneously.

they both hurt Each Other in ways that can't be undone!!! mic did her fair share of Fucking It Up Big Time as well and i think the way their fallout went down is the best example of times mic could have been better. and before anyone says it NO i'm NOT saying she didn't have a right to back out when she did but what i AM saying is that i think the way she handled cutting taco off showcases one of her biggest character flaws EXCELLENTLY:

when she's hurt by someone, she will hurt them back twice as hard. cheesy makes an insensitive joke? she calls him a monster. taco relapses in her bad habits? she weaponizes her past friendship with pickle. i'm pretty confident in saying both of these responses are Pretty Damn Disproportionate. and i think that's really interesting!!! we should talk more about this!!!!!!!!!

taco did a lot of bad things in their friendship and should absolutely be held accountable for it, but i also think simply calling her a heartless abuser is horribly undermining her character. like, imagine with me, if you will:

(post-writing note. HOLY SHIT this was way longer than i thought it'd be. putting the rest of this post under the cut because the previous paragraphs are pretty much all my thoughts but i kind of go into a full taco character analysis below. if you want to see that then keep reading i suppose LMAOOO)

you once accidentally formed a friendship with someone based off of a lie. you exposed the lie, sabotaged that relationship, and cut him off. that was the last conversation you had. a good while later you realize that, oh no, you actually DID care about this person, and you miss him! but he's GONE and it's YOUR FAULT!!! so you write. you write, you write, you write, hoping to get a response, but you never do.

and then. and then you find someone else. someone who's loud, chaotic, cast out. she reminds you a little too much of the lie you built for yourself. and so, you help her. for your own selfish reasons, sure, but you attempt to reign her in. she doesn't trust you at first, you don't trust her either, and you are... less than kind to her. it's not pretty, but at this point it doesn't really matter to you, because right now she's just a means to an end. she doesn't mean anything to you.

but slowly, over time, things start changing. she starts seeing past the brick walls you built around yourself. starts trying to break them down, little by little. you avoid, you resist, you do everything you can to prevent her from getting through, because vulnerability is frankly disgusting, and you don't want to talk about your problems anyway! but, this doesn't last. you actually apologize to her, for being so closed off, because you should be doing better, and she seems to appreciate it.

someone brings up that old friend to her. you get MAD. it's like rubbing salt in the wound, reminding you of every reason you're not happy, every reason you've been scared of getting too close. he suggests that you will leave her the same way you left him.

and. surprisingly. your ally does not side with him. she tells him you're changing. you're changing. she looks at you and all of your disgusting flaws, and she sees someone not beyond redemption. and you think that maybe. maybe you can trust her. maybe you CAN let your walls down. maybe you won't screw it up this time. and, and...

one mistake.

a pretty big one, granted, but a mistake nonetheless. you relapse into some bad habits, because the situation you entered was not the one you planned for. and she's mad. so mad, in fact, that she takes your old friendship, something she knows is a touchy subject, that hurts every time it's brought up, and she weaponizes it. she looks at you as if you mean nothing to her, and then she leaves. she leaves before you even have a chance to respond.

one. mistake.

one mistake is all it took for her to grow sick of you, for her to agree with all of the terrible things people say about you. and what hurts the most is that you TRUSTED her. you thought you could be open with her, you thought she was DIFFERENT. but no, she's not different. she's just like everyone else. and maybe, if the one person who believed you could be better gives up on you... maybe they're all right about you.

the walls are back up. they're thicker, stronger, and as far as you're concerned... it will take FAR more convincing to let anyone get through ever again.

...and then mepad comes along and says he doesn't even believe you're a bad person in the FIRST place, which is. astounding and very hard to believe but he's seeing you at your absolute worst being needlessly cruel to everyone and is STILL saying this with complete confidence so, fuck, kind of hard to keep THAT up for very long. then ii16 happens and you know the drill SHE'S DOING BAD.

hoo boy this went on for a lot longer than it was supposed to. anyway all this to say i think we should talk more about how they both hurt each other rather than push the narrative that one of them was "the abuser" and the other was "the victim" because frankly that's not even how it works in real life. thank you for coming to my ted talk i've been sitting on this for weeks afraid that i'd be told to kill myself over anons 👍

[toomanyideasandfandoms]

I knew you'd like the idea >:3

Just imagine the characters having an intervention meeting without the creator and they bring THAT up and the notebook along with it and the entire room just goes to silence and no one know how to bring the fact that close to half of the deaths later on were of their own creator's hands.

You're right though, I def think that Sumeru would actually make the problem worse and potentially cause a relapse in which case another nation takes over and Sumeru is seen as worse or inferior for causing more pain to the creator (like the little hypocrites they are smh)

Imagine there's some pages on the old notebook of just describing how they felt and the reader can see the slow descent to madness as each death happens and it's like forbidden knowledge for them to the point that it actually like becomes risk of being lethal, so they kinda stop looking into it and just try their best to heal their creator and just leave the skeleton in the closet, per say.

I forgot to put my little thing on the last post but here it is again! I have way more ideas for sagau that i will probably never get to write so i'm happy to share them!

🍌anon

🍌 anon I want you to know that I am eating everything up cause MY GOD THE WAVELENGTHS WE'RE HAVING AAAAA

And ohhhhh ohhhhhh forbidden knowledge, your brain rn omg. CHRIST ALMIGHTLY

Some of the notes would actually be forbidden knowledge, especially if we're talking the early ones and if the creator was isekaied before Sumeru's archon quests. Omg- NO ONE CAN READ THE FIRST COUPLE OF EDITIONS, besides for Traveler-

Wait....this just made me realize something. I FORGOT TO EVER THINK ABOUT THE TRAVELER, WHAT ROLE WOULD THEY EVEN HAVE??? OH GOD HOW COULD I OVERLOOK THIS WAIT

Putting a pin in that for later (slamming my head against the wall over this)

But yeah Traveler is probably the one that creator would be closest too, because they have to be the first ones (besides Nahida or Neuvillette) to know the truth. So when the notebooks are found they're the only ones allowed to read it. So they would be at the meeting and conveying what is necessary but also keep the important parts our for the sake of the creator's privacy and to keep the forbidden knowledge from infesting again.

What probably keeps them at an advantage is the language creator uses can only be read by Traveler since Teyvat's language is usually translated for us in game in our own languages.

And also yes Sumeru would be worst, glad we agree. BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE OF THE AKADEMIYA, Azar fucking sucks and would never understand. BUT- if we're talking with Alhaitham being the acting leader then there's a higher chance for them. Especially with the other Sumeru characters being there, and Nahida!! Nahida would be a godsend since she obviously would have the most knowledge, both known and unknown, and also would be able to peer review others ideas based on when she's read the memories of the creator (poor baby got traumatized tho-)

PLUS! Kuni (Wanderer name I use, making sure that's known) being our body guard, ain't no way creator is dying even if it is their wish. Combine that with Cyno also on guard duty and you got a chance of healing way better then whenever Azar (fuck that guy seriously) was in charge.

[chvoswxtch]

hi! could i request a fic where frank is helping reader with urges to relapse in s3lf h@rm? or maybe they already relapsed? if this is not something you’re comfortable writing please feel free to just ignore this :) i’m struggling w/ this lately so it’s just self indulgent for me lmao and your writing is ADDICTIVE. you have such a talent and i hope you’re doing well!! x

my sweet sweet sweet nonnie. I am sending you all the love I possibly can. I am so sorry that you are struggling. I know what it's like to struggle with this, and I promise you it does get better. I know everyone says that and sometimes those words can sound so hollow, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. it can't rain all the time darling 🖤

I hope you are doing well today, and I hope this brings you the comfort that you need. thank you for trusting me with this, and know that I love you and am so proud of you

just a quick psa to everyone on my frank taglist, because this is such a sensitive topic, i'm not tagging anyone in this one. if you are not comfortable with this topic or if it could be triggering for you, please sit this one out. you will not hurt my feelings, I promise.

warning: mentions of depression & self harm word count: 775

let it out.

Frank noticed everything. He was trained to look for subtle clues of threats everywhere, to anticipate them and quickly conjure a counterattack, or eliminate them before they even got a chance to strike. After that tragic day in Central Park, his sense of hypervigilance only became even more extreme. 

Which is why he knew that things were getting bad for you again.

He could see it. That bright sparkle in your eyes that could put the stars to shame grew more and more dim until it was nothing more than achromatic ash. The heaviness weighing down on your chest that turned the subconscious act of breathing into a relentless struggle and made your movements lethargic was like an astral presence only his eyes could detect. He could hear it in your voice, the melodic warmth replaced by an echoing numbness. It seemed as though each day another of your vibrant petals withered and fell until you were rendered a bare and hollow stem.

It killed Frank to see you like this. He wanted so badly to help, he just didn’t know how. You wouldn’t talk to him about it, wouldn’t tell him what you needed. But he didn’t get upset with you, because he figured you might not even know what you needed. He was growing increasingly worried because nothing he was doing seemed to help at all. Fear was an emotion Frank very rarely experienced, but he was terrified that he’d lose you to your own cruel mind. 

Things were bad right now, but it would pass. You’d fallen from the clouds of progression, backsliding until the cold hard impact of relapse bruised and rattled your bones, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t find your way back up again. It didn’t erase all the breakthroughs in your recovery. And if you couldn’t make it back up on your own, Frank would carry you himself.

Frank sat with you in the bath, enveloping you in the comfort of his body and the hot water, hoping it would soothe you. Taking care of yourself had become as hard as getting out of bed, but it was okay. He could help you with that. He’d washed your hair, taking his time to massage your scalp before gently rinsing the shampoo out completely. His large and calloused hands slowly and tenderly lathered your skin in the suds of your body wash, not missing a single inch of you. 

Your face was as blank as a pure canvas, but there was raw sorrow in your eyes and agony building up along your lash line. Frank held onto you tightly, tracing your self-inflicted scars with the pad of his thumb, applying pressure with each stroke while he spoke quietly in your ear.

“I know it hurts, baby. But you ain’t gotta let it out that way. You can get the hurt out without hurtin’ yourself. You gotta feel it, sweetheart. I know you don’t wanna, I know it feels like it’s too much, but you can’t distract yourself with a different kinda pain. It ain’t gonna make this one go away.”

Frank knew you were listening. He could see the saltwater slipping down your cheeks, your expressionless face slowly morphing into a portrait of unrefined grief. He pressed his lips softly to each of your scars, holding you even tighter in a protective embrace.

“It’s gotta heal from the inside, baby. I know it’s hard, but you ain’t gotta do this alone. I’m right here, sweetheart. Just let go, I got you.”

He could tell that you were fighting it. That you were scared once you opened that door, a tidal wave of misery would devour you entirely and trap you beneath the current until you drowned, but he wasn’t going to let that happen. His deep voice was laced with sincerity and promise as he spoke into your ear again.

“I got you.”

The choked sob that caught in your throat broke his heart. The wail that tore from the depth of your soul was the worst sound he’d ever heard. Your shoulders shook from the impact of your overwhelming emotions, but when you shattered into a thousand jagged pieces, Frank was there to collect them all. He’d patiently help you put them all back together, no matter how long it took. He wrapped his arms around you tightly, gently rocking you as he soothingly ran his fingers through your hair, pressing a reverent kiss to the crown of your head.

“There ya go, that’s it. Let it all out, sweetheart. Take as long as ya need, I’m right here. I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Just let it all out.”

[jasmines-library]

I just discovered your blog yesterday and I am INHALING your work! I love your writing, it feels like a movie being played in my head. Oh and the ANGST - JUST ajfhahaskh *Screaming in my pillow rn*.Would you be willing to write a second part of the self harm batfam x reader fic?

~ 🦑

Save Me When I Drown

I'm so glad you like my work hearing that means so much to me. as requested, here is a part 2; sorry it took me a billion years to get to it.

Part 1: Catch Me if I Fall

Warnings: Very nearly self harm, depressive thoughts, relapse. Please read with caution.

Word count: 1.3K

⛤ BATFAM MASTERLIST ⛤

Things had been getting better. Slowly but surely they had. It was a slow process, that of course had not been easy. There were days where you felt like you could run a hundred miles, but there were also days where you couldn’t bring yourself to move. When the urge became too much. And although your brothers were there to help you… today was one of those days. 

The five of you were gathered around the table. Eating together at least once a week had become a tradition, and each of your brothers made a big effort to attend them, though it was rare to make it this far into the meal without being interrupted by Gotham’s infamous residents. And you were trying so hard to keep focused; to enjoy Alfred’s cooking as it melted on your tongue but you just couldn’t. And you hated yourself for it. 

You had to keep your eyes on your plate as you pushed your food aimlessly around the china. Your appetite had gone nearly as soon as you sat down, but you couldn’t look up because you knew as soon as you did you would feel guilty again. Dick sat across from you. A dark bruise had blossomed over his skin, turning it dark shades of maroon and indigo. He had a small laceration on his cheek below the bruise over his eye. It hadn’t needed stitches, but the sight still made you grimace. Beside him, Damian was also bloodied. They were all injured in some way. A stitch here, a sprain there. 

You should have been bothered by them. Injuries were a given in your line of work. But the thing that was tipping you over the edge was the fact that you were completely unscathed. There wasn’t a single hair on your head that was out of place. And it made your skin crawl. The five of them had run into a bit of a predicament with Bane; a particularly grisly fight that had ended with the majority of them spending a day or two on bedrest or in the infirmary. 

You should have been there. You should have been helping them but instead you were sitting in the safety of the manor, watching them on the monitors. Guilt washed over you like an ocean drowning you in your own thoughts. If only you had been quicker to direct them. If only you had pushed Bruce more to let you help out. Surely with an extra pair of hands the risk of injury would have been lowered. You would have had to ask Tim for the exact statistics, but you were sure enough that it would have made a difference. 

Bouncing your thigh leg up and down, you felt as though your skin was burning. Itching. As those thoughts weaselled their way back into your conscience. You picked at the skin around your thumb. Sometimes that helped the urge. But not this time. You had been too slow. Again. Everything was your fault and-

“Y/N?” It was Dick’s voice that broke you out of your trance. It was gentle and he reached out to place a hand on your restless leg under the table. He was ever the observer. The way he looked at you made you want to cry like a fragile child. Soft blue eyes downturned as he raised his eyebrow a fraction with the tilt of his head. “Are you alright?”

You wanted to scream. You wanted to tell him everything. But you kept it bottled up. You didn’t want them to pity you. Besides, you were getting better. That was what you had told yourself. That is what had been happening and it made you so frustrated that you were beginning to feel this way again. 

“Y/N?” Someone else called your name again with the same solemn tone when you refused to reply. You didn’t register who it was because your head was too foggy. Frankly, you didn’t care. You needed to leave.

“ ‘scuse me.” Scraping your chair against the floor, you abandoned your food and made a beeline for the exit. 

You think someone called after you, but you couldn’t focus on anything but the thumping of your heart as you hounded up the stairs and into your room. Shutting the door rather too harshly and locking it behind you, you sank to your knees. Fat tears rolled down your cheeks as your mask fell and you slumped against the ground. You felt so stupid. You were supposed to be getting better. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. You were supposed to be fine and you were supposed to be downstairs eating with the others. God, that made you feel even worse. You sank a little deeper into that ocean of thoughts. They had all made such an effort to be there and you had just fled like a child to their mother. 

Do it. Your mind was barking orders at you again. Old ones that you had fought so hard to forget.

Restlessly you pushed yourself up and made your way over to your closet. Shakily you dug through the draws until your fingers wrapped around the frayed leather. Silent, you turned it over in your palms. Your whole body seemed to tremble as you moved to perch on the edge of the bed. 

Someone was knocking on the door. You could hear them on the other side begging to be let in. begging for you to just answer them. 

You placed the blade against your skin and screwed your eyes up tight. The silver was cool against your skin. 

“Little Bat…please open the door.” Bruce had never sounded more vulnerable as he stood helplessly outside the door. You could almost picture his face: eyebrows downturned and eyes wide as he waited anxiously for you to either open the door or from Tim to return with the spare key to your room. Just in case. 

Trembling, your whole body was wracked by waves of tears each one gripped you tight and was accompanied by a thousand thoughts trying to burn away at the surface of your skin. Your eyes flickered to the knife. One swipe and it would all be gone. One swipe and you would get what you felt like you deserved. But then Bruce’s voice broke through the door. 

“I know you’re scared, Kiddo.”

Your head snapped toward the door. You paused with a shuddering breath.

“And that’s okay. That’s normal.” He continued. “I get scared too. We all do.”

At that moment you knew that your brothers were standing behind the door too, waiting with anxious anticipation that made their fingertips itch. You heard a shuffling, and then Jason’s voice came, muffled by the door. You weren’t entirely sure if he was planning to break it down or not, but his voice was calm. 

“Please open the door Little Wing…” Jason pleaded. “...We love you…and we’re scared.”

And you broke. The dagger clattered to the floor with another bout of tears and you unlocked the door. 

Bruce wrapped you up in his arms the second the door was wide enough to reveal you. He let out a heavy sigh of relief. 

“S-sorry…” You spluttered. “I’m sorry…”

“Shh.” He cupped the back of your head with his hand and you felt one of your brothers place a hand on your shoulder. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Little Wing. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“But I-”

“Shh.” Tim hushed. “It’s okay.”

“I thought I was getting better.” You sniffled.

Damian frowned. “You are. And we are so proud of how for you have come, sister. This is part of the process, Little Wing.”

“You’ve come so far, Kid.” Dick told you. “And we’re sorry that we didn’t notice how you were feeling until now. But it’s okay, because healing isn’t a linear process. And we’re going to be there with you every step of the way. Through the good and the bad just like we promised.”

You nodded. 

“This is just one of the bad days, Wing.” Tim hummed. “Things will get better, I promise.” 

“And we will love you the entire way.”

Taglist:

@aestheticdaisies

@hell-o-kittys

@xxrougefangxx

@mamapucket

@hearts4robs

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

Previous pinned post.

[florida3exclamationpoints]

It has been brought to my attention that I have not been annoying enough:

Why is rumple one of my favorite characters, you ask, @imhereonthekitchenfloor? Well...

I'm gonna be so real with you I am struggling to know where/how to start this because it is beyond my comprehension that people could not love him. Do you not love him? ,,,,,,,,,,,, ok

I'll start with what I don't like bc that's a much shorter list :) but it's not really stuff that I don't like about him it's mostly complaints I have with the writers. I don't mind a little evilness for good & in character content but he relapsed one too many times. It wasn't in character for him to become the dark one again in season 5. The Bear and the Bow should've been his final redemption. It would've been much more interesting to watch him grapple with recovery and improvement than watching him be a villain again just bc he's a good villain. He IS a good villain !! bc he's understandable. But it is what it is and he did become the dark one again and the mess that is the first half of season 6 did happen. Unfortunately. I HATE the romance plot with him and the evil queen and there is quite literally no justification for it so I just pretend that never happened :) but I can appreciate that his actual final redemption was really solid. We had to suffer to get there but it was a good ending 😫🙏

His Thing was that he could always justify every single bas thing he ever did as actually being for the greater good (his family). Everything he did was to get Bae back. Because he's a good dad. And to keep Belle safe. Because he loves her. In season 6 he hit rock bottom by trying to do something that couldn't be spun to be for the best interest of his family. He wanted to cut Gideon's fate so he wouldn't grow up to hate him instead of just... idk.... being a good dad????? And earning his love????? Ok king. Actually my biggest complaint about the entire series is the entire stupid series of events that led to that (Belle's dad was straight up evil for not waking her up bc he didn't want to "help rumple"??? And there was no explanation for Gideon in the dream. It doesn't really make sense that he showed up anyway but how do we know that was who he was fated to be why did he and Belle hang their whole belief system on a weird dream version of their kid) but whatever.

All of that was dumb but his redemption was real!!! He had the choice to gain "unlimited power" and break the rules of magic and make Belle love him and bring Bae back to life but HE DIDN'T!!!! because he finally understood the price of magic and was strong enough to do it on his own and not use magic for his own good BECAUSE he knew it would be bad for everyone else. He was never really evil. He was treated like crap his whole life and had some unhealthy reactions to it. He never had anything so he thought he needed everything. He never had any control so he wanted control over everything. And when he got his control and power he got addicted to it. He never loved it more than his family he was addicted to it. He had literal relapses (when he lied to Belle about the dagger when they got married. Yeah lying is bad but that was the most understandable thing be ever did lowkey. He redeemed himself and killed Pan and made peace with dying himself and then got brought back to life against his will and was kept in a literal cage as a literal slave for over a year being forced to do the exact kind of things he had finally overcome AND he had 2 minds in his head so on top of the physiological torture he also just quite literally went insane. Yeah it makes sense that he was a little Screwed Up after that. And wanted to release himself from the dagger without losing his power). He was strong enough at the end to truly put it behind him. And I know everyone hates season 7 but AT LEAST it gave rumbelle an entire lifetime of happiness and we know that he never relapsed again.

So :) yeah :) aside from that. He's hilarious. He's a good villain. He's the center of the entire story. He's smarter than everyone else. He's a good person but he doesn't even have to be bc I love when he's evil too. Lowkey highkey he was right fairly often. He's just a silly little guy! He's babygirl and he's my poor little meow meow and he's blorbo and he's beloved 🫶 the end.

[aceofwhump]

Hi Ace! Did you like the new season? I didn't like the new season of TUA but it had whump!

Ooooh boy. Okay. Well I have THOUGHTS. And I'm going to put them under a read more because of massive spoilers.

Overall I'm really annoyed by the final season. Really annoyed. But let's talk about the things I enjoyed first

1. Klaus whump!!!

Okay how could I not put this one first. I love Klaus. I love whump. Klaus was really out through the wringer and I loved it. He got shot, was bleeding out and dying, picked up by Diego and carried to the van, worried about and saved by his family, several emotional outbursts which I loved, relapses, gets kidnapped, held captive, buried alive, gets rescued, finally gets a good damn hug! I loved it. I ate that shit up.

2. Klaus, Allison, and Claire

This sibling dynamic was always my favorite from the moment Allison caught Klaus stealing shit from their dad's office in episode 1. I wanted more of these two for ages and I got them living together and taking care of each other and Klaus being the weird protective uncle to Claire. I want 10 more seasons of them being domestic. And Uncle Klaus and Claire was so cute!!! Highlight of the season! I was so happy when the two of them not only noticed Klaus was gone and in trouble but that Claire tried to help him AND the two of them tracked him down to save him and bring him home!

3. The family actually showing that the care about Klaus.

Is it obvious that Klaus is my favorite yet? It wasn't a lot but when they freaked out when he got shot and the happy reaction and head patting when he came back to life was beautiful and I needed it. I also LOVED the hug between Klaus, Claire and Allison when they dug him out of the grave. I needed that so badly. There should be more Klaus hugs

4. Dad!Diego

Diego was so lovely as a father!!! His three kids were always on his mind and I love that. I love how he used his powers at the axe throwing just to get 3 stuffed reindeers for his kids. Freaking adorable.

5. Luther

The king of background reactions. He had me rolling on the floor in laughter this season. I loved his energy. Pure sunshine. And him at the antique was so funny cause that's how I am at antique shops and now I want to go antique shopping with him lol. He was adorable and I feel so bad that he got him monkey body back cause he was so happy to have his body back.

6. Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally as the bad guys.

Jene and Gene were so fun. Loved that.

Now let's talk about the rest.

1. Luther

But wait Ace you put Luther in the likes category! Yes. Yes I did. And I stand by that. But WHERE WAS SLOANE! Why was he so fine with Sloane just being gone! Why was Sloane gone at all!!!

2. Five and Lila

Seriously I fucking hated this story line and I hated that the writers thought Five needed a love story. WHY. He really really didn't need one at all. He loved Delores why did they feel the need to give him another love story? Could they not think of any other plot for him? I sure could have! This was boring and trite. And even if they did go with the love story plot still WHY PUT HIM WITH LILA!!!!! After two seasons firmly establishing the love that Lila and Diego have for one another and how perfect they are together. You're gonna do THAT? I hated it. I mean "you hate bracelets." NO SHE DOESN'T! SHE KEPT THE ONE YOU MADE IN THE ASYLUM FOR TWO SEASONS! IT WAS KINDA A BIG DEAL! Why would they then give this plot point to Five!

3. Klaus getting more powers like finally being able to levitate and the show acting like it is literally nothing

I have nothing to elaborate on this. I just hated that we finally got levitating Klaus and not only was it not utilized at all but they treated it like a throwaway thing.

4. No Ray. No Sparrows

Seriously!? Ray left? Bullshit. Sloane and the other Sparrows never come back? Dumb.

5. NO DANCE NUMBER

Every season had a silly dance number and we got NONE. It's a little thing but I was disappointed.

And I still have SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!! AND WE GOT NO ANSWERS!!!

Why did Luther get his monkey body back if it was never a part of marigold in the first place? That was done via a Reginald serum.

Why did Diego have no coordination without his powers when he should have at least retained some muscle memories from the many years of training?

Why did Klaus say his years of sobriety was down the toilet as soon as marigold was put in him again? He could have stayed sober. He had control of his powers from s3 so it's not like he was gonna be haunted like before which is why he took drugs in the first place.

What about the other kids who had marigold? Are they in this timeline? Did they also die? Why didn't Reginald ever look for all of the kids? What happened with them?

Why is the marigold they take this season janky? Like why do they get sick? Did Reginald’s wife spike it or something? Or was it simply that they consumed it as fully grown adults instead of being born with it?

WHY WAS JENNIFER IN A FUCKING SQUID AS A CHILD?!

Who was the Ben we saw in the subway at the end of season 3? Cause it wasn't our Ben or Sparrow Ben!

Does Klaus know how Ben died? DOES HE!?!

How did the kids survive without Alison, Diego, or Lila having existed!? I don’t think that’s how genetics work!

What the fuck was the Cleanse!?!?! No seriously! What the fuck was that?! Why is durango in Jennifer? Are there more super kids with durango in them? Why does durango in Jennifer only interact with marigold in Ben? Why no the others? Why does the combination of Ben and Jennifer make the Cleanse??? If they had continued to interact before Reg killed Ben would the Cleanse have happened then? Did Abigail create the Cleanse? Did durango kill their world? How? What does it actually DO! I'm so confused!

If all the marigold has to be destroyed waht about all the other marigold made babies? What about all those alternate Fives in the subway? Why just these 7 people?

Where the fuck did Reginald and Abigail come from?! Why did we learn absolutely fucking NOTHING about them other than the tiny tidbits we've seen already?

Why the hell would Five just peace out in the middle of a fucking battle for his families lives? THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT FIVE WOULD DO! Everything Five has ever done was to save his family!

Why was them being born via marigold shatter the timeline? What the fuck do those two things have to do with the other???? That makes no SENSE! It would have made more sense to say that Five disappearing into the future shattered the timeline and send them back to before then or something.

Viktor can get rid of the marigold in people so WHY DIDN'T THEY TRY THAT! WHY DID THE BENJEN CLEANSE CREATURE NEED TO TAKE THEM ALL AND ERASE THEIR EXISTENCE! Couldn't Viktor have extracted the marigold and they get rid of it that way?

(some of that may have had answers in the show and i'm just dumb and missed it but still. i have many questions)

This season was so disjointed and dissatisfying. I was actually bored by episode 4. The plots were all over the place and none connected very well. I'm still so confused about what the fuck was happening all season. None of it makes any sense.

I was hoping this season would be more of a Umbrella Academy vs big bad Reginald and Abigail villain type of plot. I was hoping OG Ben would like start merging with Sparrow Ben or something. I thought the ending would be them returning to their original timeline finally all together and be able to just live the rest of their lives apocalypse free. Happy and together. BUT NO!

Ugh. I'm sure there's more to say but I'm out of steam now. Mostly i'm just disappointed.

[oc-sickfic-central]

Bad Timing Pt 2

2:36 am

Allie felt herself sleeping soundly but in the distant it sounded like someone was calling her name, then it got louder until she woke up and realized it was Koh. He wasn’t in bed but on the floor in the bathroom in agonizing pain. Kicking the blankets off and heading to him, Koh was on the floor, hysterically crying, choking on sobs. 

“Talk to me.” Not knowing if that would be possible given how upset he was.

“It hurts- so- bad.” 

“Where?” Allie moved some of Koh’s hair out of his face. 

“My stomach and chest. Feel sick but can’t bring anything up. Please, just make it stop.” 

“I need to take you to the hospital.” Allie told him. 

“They’re not gonna do anything! I’ve been countless times. I know what I need Allie.” 

“No! Koh, I’m not getting you or letting you use heroin. It’s not happening.” Allie’s voice rose.

“It’s the only thing that fucking works! I’m in pain and I only need a little bit.” Allie couldn’t believe this. She knew he was hurting and desperate, but it broke her none the less. 

“Give the hospital a chance. I will have them run every and any test they need. I will not let you relapse.” She assured him, a sob breaking out from Koh. 

“Fine.” Allie got up, getting on socks and her shoes and putting her wallet and keys in her bag. She slipped on socks and slippers for Koh. Getting him to his feet was not an easy task. He wanted to keep an arm, cradling his stomach and the other used to push up, feeling dizzy and the cramping was overwhelming. Like sharp stabbing pains over and over. Finally, Allie managed to get Koh up and out the door, down the hallway and to the elevator. 

The walk to the car was utter hell. They had to stop so Koh could catch his breath or double over when a particularly sharp cramp would leave him motionless. They made it to the car eventually and as Allie drove out of the garage and onto the road, there wasn’t a single car around. Making the drive to the hospital quick. 

Pulling into the ER bay, she got out and opened the door to the passenger side as a nurse came to help. She grabbed a wheelchair and could place Koh in it. Allie got back in the car to park it as they took Koh inside to check him in. 

When she walked back into the hospital they had him already back and getting changed into a gown. His movement was slow and face gritting in pain. Between Allie and a nurse they were able to get him dressed and in bed. They started an IV but opted for no pain meds, Koh knew it was for the best.

The doctor came in and asked general questions and then began examining Koh. The doctor felt around his belly pressing around the organ causing Koh to squirm and shift. He could feel stomach contents rising up. Swallowing it back down, and squeezing his eyes shut. Just above his naval was the center of all the pain and when the doctor pressed his hands in that spot, Koh heaved and a bit of stomach bile spilled out onto the bed. 

“Fuck.” Koh’s voice was shaky. “I-it hurts.” Koh closed his eyes as the sharp pains were back and fierce. 

“I’m sorry. We’ll let you get a new blanket.” The doctor patted his leg and turned to the nurse to order a series of tests and scans. The nurse got him a new blanket and took the old one way.

"Are you okay?" Allie asked immediately knowing the answer.

"Far from okay. This all gonna be a waste, they ran the same tests that they’re about to run now, and I can promise you everything is gonna come back normal or unknown. This will be a waste. I’m gonna leave here not knowing anything and still be dealing with whatever this is.” Koh rubbed the side of his head, feeling a headache begin to form. "I'm also embarrassed." Koh mumbled out.

“Why? Because I’m here?” He nodded. 

“Yes, you have to deal with me, with this! That hospital dinner was so fuckin important and I ruined it.” Allie took Koh’s hand. 

“You did not ruin anything. This is not something you can control. I’m not going to be upset or mad if you’re sick, baby. I want to help you. I know you can’t help it.” He didn't know what to say, instead he just settled into the bed wanting to rest. The dull ache that still remained making it hard for Koh to fully sleep.

A little while later a tech came in to conduct an ultrasound the gel was cold on his stomach.

"Cool tattoos." The tech complemented his koi fish that he had gotten after college.

The room was quiet as Koh watched the monitor, unsure of what he was really even looking at.

"Do you see anything?" Allie asked.

“I’m not sure. Usually, when see this type of wall thickening, it can be a type of inflammation. I want to get you up for a CT scan. Might give us a clearer imagine. I’ll grab a nurse and be back in a moment to take you up.”

Handing Koh some tissues to wipe the gel off. Koh just nodded as The tech left the room. A nurse came in a moment later when a wheelchair. Koh swung his legs over the bed and settled into the chair. The movement made him feel unsteady and dizzy. 

“How long will the scan take?” Allie asked.

“Should be about 45 minutes feel free to get something to eat or walk around.” The nurse told her and with that they were off down the hallway of the ER to the elevator up to imagining. 

The CT room had low lighting, which Koh was grateful for. The bright lights of the hallway were making his head hurt more. The nurse helped him out of the chair and onto the bed of the machine. 

“Have you had a CT done before?” Koh nodded. 

“A few times.” 

“Okay, so you know the drill. Lie still and when we’re down, we’ll bring you out.”

Koh tried to sleep but the room was freezing, the blanket they had given him was small and thin barely covered him. He tried thinking of something to keep him distracted 45 minutes felt so long when he didn't have anything to keep himself busy.

After the scan they brought Koh back to the room, Allie was on her phone and set it down as they came back in.

"I'm going to have the doctor review everything and we'll be in shortly to discuss with you our findings." The nurse informed them. Once Koh was back in the bed Allie moved closer to hold his hand. They were both exhausted and ready to go home.

About an hour later the doctor came in to review the tests and scans they took.

“Let me guess, everything is normal and you have no idea what’s wrong.” Koh’s voice was raspy, and it hurt to talk. 

“You have inflammation throughout your digestive tract, your stomach and small intestine. Your case is the worst I’ve seen in a long time. Has no doctor told you that?” 

“They said I had some inflammation, gave me antibiotics and told me it would clear up, but it never did.” Koh shrugged

The doctor took a breath. “It never will. Koh, you have a chronic condition known as Crohn’s disease. It’s a condition when your body’s immune system attacks and destroys healthy body tissue. Sometimes hereditary, genetic or environmental factors contribute to it.” Koh was speechless. After years of pain and suffering and no answers or explanations, he finally knew what was wrong with him. 

It was like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

"What's next?" Allie asked.

"I'd like for him to meet with a a gastro specialist. They'll want to run a few more tests to confirm and while there isn't a cure there are treatments to make the symptoms more manageable. I'll send home some doctors in the area that I recommend. Until you get in with the specialist I'll prescribed some anti-nausea. I’ll write up those and get you started on discharge, unless you have any questions.”

Allie looked to Koh.

“I’m ready to just go home.” The doctor left and Allie gave Koh a small smile.

“Told you.” Allie said. Koh turning his head.

“Told me what?”

“Give the hospital a chance that I would see to you were taken care of.” Koh smiled.

“Yeah, thank you.” She leaned over, kissing his forehead.

[echoesofaheart]

you can’t talk about apostasy heart relapsing to ME augh. endless agonies .

i can’t even. he thinks he’s getting better. he thinks he’s clean. and then he notices. a stray thought or a stray feeling or soul’s words jammed into his mouth that have somehow stayed there. heart is never going to be clean again, he will always be picking stray bits of soul out of himself, he will always be sick, just on the precipice of going back to Whole. he itches to think of it as Whole instead of whole. sometimes there is a false beat inside his chest. one day he repaints mind’s walls without asking. he can’t ask because mind will treat it like a lapse. and god it is but. there is this idea rotting in his head- how dare mind defile Whole like that? and it’s stale, it’s not true, but it’s almost as if he can feel the sickness. he should repaint the walls. he needs to fix it. he needs to fix it. he can’t see it but Whole can see it, but soul will appreciate it- of course he isn’t talking to soul anymore. of course whole isn’t real.

he repaints the walls anyway.

and what of it, he says to mind. what of it? am i not allowed a little comfort? it’s just the color of the walls, i can’t even see it. cmon. but even if heart can’t see it he can See it. and he wanted his hands to stain with paint because mind’s blood wouldve made him sick and wouldve made him Sick. it’s just an excuse and he knows it and mind knows it- this is no ‘little comfort’.

he’s lapsing and he knows when he’s lapsing and sometimes he hates it and sometimes he can’t bring himself to care and sometimes he repeats the memory of soul saying- PROMISING- that heart is going to come back to him, until it fades, and he wants to knock on soul’s door and memorize the lilt of his voice again.

i’m normal.

you can’t say characters are relapsing around me i’ll go catastrophic i swear i SWEAR i am normal about characters with character development that is an allegory to addiction (lie)

:) in my defence, i'm right /lh

there is this idea rotting in his head- how dare mind defile Whole like that? and it’s stale, it’s not true, but it’s almost as if he can feel the sickness.

something about the thought being referred to as 'stale' just hits. its old. its been sitting for ages not being used. and yet, and yet he still feels it.

he can’t see it but Whole can see it, but soul will appreciate it- of course he isn’t talking to soul anymore. of course whole isn’t real.

the idea he still does things to please whole and soul is Fucking Me Up

he’s lapsing and he knows when he’s lapsing and sometimes he hates it and sometimes he can’t bring himself to care and sometimes he repeats the memory of soul saying- PROMISING- that heart is going to come back to him, until it fades, and he wants to knock on soul’s door and memorize the lilt of his voice again.

AUGH. screams. cries. i am going to Perish

i am. struggling to form a coherent thought but i am Eating this

[cherphadetseuk]

Things I want to see in Only Friends but one episode is by far not enough for any of that.

SandRay: I want to see Ray in rehab, I want to see how he struggles, how he relapses because so far it all looks like he's just fine going and nothing bad will happen. I want Sand to be by his side through his struggles and I wanna SEE it. Not just hear it or get a time skip being like...oh yeah, Ray went through his rehab and now is living happily ever after with Sand in his mansion and they're flying around the globe to see all the musicians. Okay bye that's it for Only Friends. Thank you for sticking with us through 12 painful, short episodes. No. I wanna SEE all of that. There either has to be a Season 2 or a SandRay spin-off, I don't care. I want it. Give it to me. All their scenes give me life and I know I’m extremely biased towards them but I can’t help it. They’re just so cute and as a Sand stan I just want him to be happy and appreciated and if Ray is that person than I’m 100% here for it. Given Ray had many eye-openers as well he will be that person. They’re good for each other and I am happy if they get that happy ending.

Sand and his dad: I want Sand to talk to his dad because I am 100% pretty damn sure he had the intention to say something after they talked for that short time in that episode before Ray interrupted for that heartwrenching short scene of them hugging. I wanna see more of his dad in general because they've been building up to this because why talk so much about him and show several scenes of Sand being at that club to see him perform when nothing comes of it. I wanna know who his dad is, I wanna know why the parents aren't together anymore. I wanna know more background on all of Sand's upbringing. Which brings me to his mum...I just want more of her. Period. I love her. That scene with her and Ray was everything. She's such a stable figure in Sand's life, guiding him while he supports her and now she's even guiding Ray because she's a mum and she knows her son and she knows about them and knows they're good for each other. I like supportive parental figures.

BostonNick: Same as with SandRay I wanna see the developement of their relationship. Nick didn't actually say yes officially to Boston's proposal of them being boyfriends until he leaves for NY. Nick also giving Boston a reality check with what he said to Atom about “don’t get attached to assholes”. He was literally calling Boston out at the same time which given Boston’s reaction, he knew it as well. Boston had a lot of eye-opening moments in the past 2 episodes so I hope they can make it work somehow. Whether Nick says yes or no, we’ll see. However, if he does I want them to like get attached and I want to see them develop the relationship. I want Boston to go to NY and them missing each other and Nick to be thinking about following Boston. I know, cliché, but I could totally see that. But I don't want him to just drop everything and follow Boston blindly. I want them to communicate and for Nick to say that he will finish his internship or whatever he does, to think about himself as well, and then maybe follow Boston later to pursue a career in NY because he'd be doing well in the US with animation. New York, the city of unlimited opportunities, he could do it. But I want them to have that long distance relationship first, to struggle, to communicate, to make it natural and not just bam here we go, two years later, Nick and Boston are happy living in NY together in a fancy flat. Again, BostonNick spin-off or Season 2. Thank you very much. I realised that BostonNick and SandRay are literally the same. Nick and Sand both being pushed around and dropped and used and all that and Boston and Ray both realising at the same time what they have of their other, how there's literally only one person who cares about them and none of them are from the friends group but I'm not gonna go there because that friends group is non-existent in my eyes. Except of Nick and Sand there was no actual friendship going on there that was even remotely healthy or supportive. Which brings me to:

Nick & Sand: I wanted more of this friendship. I wanted to see more how they live together after everything that happened. Mental breakdowns from their boyfriends/FWB relationships, them hanging out, talking, supporting each other. I just wanted more of this because again, healthiest friendship. They are roommates after all but we never actually SEEN them living together except of that one scene where Sand apologised for giving that audio to Ray. That was the only roommate scene we got in all of this and I felt like they would have been good for bonding over mutual shite they went through. I just wanted more of this friendship. They have like the most limited scenes together for the fact that they are both main characters. If Nick was just a random roommate it would have been different but he wasn't just random. They were both outsiders having been brought in into this mess from the outside. TopMew: Now, this is my problem couple. I don't dislike them. I'm actually a Top lover. I have never disliked him. I disliked some of his actions obviously but I never hated him like 99% of the people did. However, I'm happy Top gets a second chance. Deserved or not that's to debate because some people don't think so others do (like me) but that aside, I actually liked Top calling out Mew for the behaviour. Mew seemed to be unforgiving, which he also mentioned, but he's here giving Top a second chance, saying he's still in love with him but his facial expressions don't show it the same while Top is there struggling with his emotions and crying over the mistakes he has made. I want to see them working through those issues. Again, I just wanna see the development after everything that has happened. How they maybe go back to the way they used to be or maybe not, who knows. But one episode is not enough for that. Also we get the preview for the finale episode with the fire. Which brings me to:

Top: I feel like out of all the characters we know the least about him. All the other main characters have their dreams and their past and their struggles and we actually get to see and hear it. We don't know Top's dreams for the future. Where he wants to be, what he wants to do. We barely touched on his trauma, his ptsd (I think that's what he has, I forgot). We know his trauma is fire. We had that one flashback, we had the break-up scene where Mew lights the drawing on fire (which bold move, given he knows Top has a trauma with fire) but Top's reaction, I was not sure if it's just the break-up or actual fear because he was very expressive in that scene. However, we never see Top struggle with his PTSD, which his sleep problems, we hear about things but we never really touch on it. I want more of his story, want to know more about his past, his struggles. We also don't hear anything about his drug usage and everything. We had the halloween party and we still don't really know what happened between him and that police officer and him using drugs in general. Other than he's Mew's on and off boyfriend, we have no insight and it's kinda sad because I like him and I wanna know how all this came to be to begin with. Boston: I already talked about him in relation to Nick but I also wanna know more about his past because given how he acts towards his hookups and the fact that Nick would be his first boyfriend, he seems like to either have commitment issues, family problems or anything that made him shy away from falling in love and commitment. The way he both reacted to Nick and Atom in regard of them telling him they love him is like a defence mechanism. I feel like he’s in a similar situation with Yo. I love Boston but he has been stirring up a lot of shit in the first few episodes but he never actually came clean and apologised. He apologised to Nick for being an idiot but he never apologised for the dumb shit he spread around, the fact that he toyed with Nick and his friends and how he realised how everything went to shit AFTER Nick walked away and his friends. He got a slap in the face to make him realise but he never apologised for any of it to anyone.

YoPlug: In all honesty, the healthiest relationship we’ve seen in all of this show but then they just gone and put in some drama here too. Glad they resolved it and gone back. I want more of them. They were very small and a side ship, I get it. There’s not enough time in 12 episodes to develop 500 different relationships but I want more. I wanna SEE more of them. I want to see Yo move in with him, I want at least ONE scene of them outside of Y.O.L.O. I love them. I wish they’d get a spin-off. I wanna know how they got together, I wanna know more about Yo and her issues with past relationships. I just want more of them. Please and thank you. The mum’s: More mum’s please and thank you. Mew’s mums, I wanna know their story, I wanna know what they went through as a same-sex couple in their generation in Thailand. I wanna know how they got to become Mew. I just want more. More of Mew’s mum, more of Sand’s mum. In all honestly I would even love to know more about Ray’s mum, even tho that would just be dramatic and sad. I feel like Ray’s dad needs more screentime. He tries. I can see that. I don’t think he doesn’t care about Ray. He obviously does given he asked Sand for help because he knew he fucked up his relationship with Ray and Ray would not listen to him so he went behind his back to bribe Sand with money. It’s not necessarily a healthy move to bribe people with money who he knows need money and probably have the big chance to say yes and give in. We know how easy Sand was with giving in with Ray as well. As a broke human being, I get it. 100%. However, that doesn’t mean Ray’s dad doesn’t care. As I remember, Ray’s mum probably did what she did because her husband had no time for that relationship either. He didn’t become a workaholic after her death but we have to know that it had an immense impact on him as well. Psychologically. But he knew Ray was going the same route and he didn’t want to make the same mistake again but because shit has already gone too far in their father/son relationship he had to go with a different approach and that was Sand. The ONLY person who actually showed interest and care in Ray and his dad saw that and took it as an opportunity. I can’t honestly blame him. I don’t know if his and Ray’s relationship can be fixed but I’d love to see it as well. But again, we have ONE more episode. None of what I wrote here will happen in that ONE episode. Who am I forgetting. Oh of course. The MAIN thing I wanna know more about.

Sand/Top/Boeing: We know since episode 1 that Top apparently has stolen Sand’s Ex. Enter Boeing. Who also came out of nowhere so those characters never have good intentions. However, I wanna know HOW this all came to be. I am not sure if Boeing truly feels bad about dropping Sand. If he truly still have some sort of feelings for him and feels bad for what he did. Like Top. However, I am also not sure if it’s all a game as well. I can’t read him. He seems fishy. I don’t know if his intentions with Sand are truthful or if he’s just here to mess around. Kinda like Boston 2.0 from the first few episodes stirring up drama in all the ships. I DO however wanna know about their past and how Sand got to be with Boeing and how Boeing cheated on him with Top. Is Top really the bad guy here or was Boeing doing something to make it seem like Top was the bad guy. Was it truthful or not. We know nothing. We know he existed as a no-name for all those episodes but then he suddenly appears and we don’t know his intentions. In all honestly, dude should just go be the flight attendant he wants to be (which I still find hilarious given his name). I mean, dude is objectively hot. I wouldn’t mind being on an 11 hour flight with Thai Airlines and having someone like him bringing me my food. He’s an ass but he’s still eye candy haha. Sand better set him straight. At first I was like, WTF is Ray doing inviting him home but I think I get it. Honestly tho, I would love to see an even ground between Sand and Top given they have the same “enemy”. Given that TopMew seem to work it out and SandRay are working it out and RayMew seem to gone back to regular friends, they will still see of the other in some way or another. Which, oh, there is also another unsolved issue. Not issue since they DID talk but we literally got nothing around it:

RayMew: So apparently that happened, apparently it ended. They talked. They’re friends. We know Mew got with Ray because of his revenge plot. That whole Halloween party happened but nothing that happened at this party has been resolved in any way. Mew started smoking, taking drugs. It happened in the same breath as it ended. Atom: I’m gonna be completely honest, that scene with him and his sister was the biggest WTF scene of all of this show. Like, I understand it’s her brother and family is different. However, if MY sister pulled this shit I would have slapped her. Not in a “I hate you I will never see you again” way but in a “what the fuck were you thinking!!” way and I would have yelled at her for saying such bad stuff about someone else when it was a complete lie. We know Boston has been playing around and all but that was a horrible assumption to make and it could have gone a lot worse than it did. I would have made him go and apologise to Boston. However, now that BostonNick have set him straight, I would like to see him go out in the world and find himself with his eyes open to his new-found sexuality and get a good guy for him. Nobody from the friends group, nobody we know. Just himself and someone else in a healthy way. I would like to say the same about Dan. I know he likes Nick and I would be lying if I didn’t say they would be cute. However, we know Nick has different priorities so I guess Dan is gonna take the short stick. However, I like him and I hope Nick still gets the chance to be working with him and not drop him because of personal issues. Nick deserves the opportunity but at the same time I understand how not easy it would be to work with someone you like but doesn’t like you back like that. Tho Nick did seem to have some sort of feelings towards him. Let Dan have a happy ending to, with anyone. I think that’s it. I don’t know. I probably forgot a lot of things. So long story short! We need a Season 2!!!

[everything-changes-once-again]

Over the past several weeks, I wrote a dissertation boiling all of my research work over the past five years into a few succinct conclusions.

What I didn’t realize during those weeks was that in the background, my brain was processing another set of data. The data I’ve gathered in therapy about my mind and soul, lessons and discoveries about life and the future and the world and my role in trying to change it, over these same five years. It is a level of clarity and full honesty with myself that I've never experienced before, brought on in part by the total breakdown of mental walls that comes with writing 12 hours a day for several weeks.

And some of these realizations, I really liked. I have grown so much since starting grad school. Others, not so much. I’ve identified several patterns that I want to break and new ones that I want to take their place. And conveniently, I’m about to have at least a few weeks post-graduation where my only tasks are to find a job, and to exist.   So, I’m going to use that time for a brain reset. I will try to actively rewire my brain by catching and halting these decade-old thought patterns and replacing them with new ones. Obviously, this is the point of therapy and what I've been trying to do the whole time. But I've never dedicated specific energy to it, never had time to, until now.

There are two key rules:

Eat food. Enough food, every day, for an entire year. No matter what the rest of my life brings. In the 10+ years I've bounced between recovery and relapse, I have never actually committed myself for a full year to giving food the attention that it deserves. In treatment in 2020, I didn't understand how long of a process it really is to change your brain. Now I have more respect for the reality that these things take time.

No quick dopamine hits and no numbing out. I've seen this described as a "dopamine detox." No social media scrolling, no mindless TV or podcasts or video games, no substances, no tools that I use specifically to block out my thoughts. I am going to retrain myself how to be bored and how to be alone with my mind and how to feel.

I’ve created an extensive list of other ways to generate dopamine without the quick hits and have summed them up into the themes of connection, novelty, community, and creating safety to be weird. This means reading fantasy books and letting myself acknowledge the way the make me feel. This means picking a coffee shop to become regular at, and then actually forcing myself to talk to the baristas and wave to familiar faces when I'm there. It means focusing on my values and figuring out what I really want to do with my life and how to best position myself in the world to make effective change.

It also means sitting with feelings that I've pushed down for a long time - that's the part I'm most afraid of, and I'm working to create structure in my life so I don't fall into a pit in my attempt to grow.

The duration of this project is unclear. The food part will last for a year, but the intense focus on rewiring my brain can only last as long as it takes to get a job. Then, we restructure the plan and we reassess. Because this is about flexibility. This is about recognizing that there is no “end” to growth. There may be another intense period like this someday, or there may just be a gradual shifting and re-touching as I fine-tune myself into the person I want to be.

This has been a long, long time coming. I have gathered so much information over the past five years. Now I am going to integrate it.

[neuroticboyfriend]

I have no clue how to want to quit. I am addicted to nicotine, and while I know it's not the most "dangerous" addiction, it fucking hurts. The reason I've quit alcohol for now is because I can't let myself be addicted to two things at once (also my mom is an alcoholic, which is morally neutral, but it's to the point it hurts me and my little sibling bc she makes the choice to buy alcohol rather than financially support us, and that choice makes me feel such disgust for alcohol that I won't drink excessively if at all.) But disgust doesn't work for me as a long term solution, because when I do relapse, my shame is doubled because I see myself as disgusting while also being ashamed of my addiction. So I guess what I'm asking is, how do you take back your life from addiction without disgust being the main motivator?

I still function off a lot of shame, so I understand in a way. Even though I'm sober now, not only do I still vape, I very much fear judgement & consequences if I relapse. I take it out on myself. But that shame and excessive fear only works to bring me back to using, eventually. Living this way keeps me stuck, not really able to move on to a better life - one where my best self gets to come out.

And that whole pursuit of a better life thing... that's where it goes from not using to avoid consequences (internal or external), to actually leading a sober life. So even though I do have a lot of shame and guilt, I still try to focus on making today better (progress, not perfection). These 24 hours only. Cause we only have today.

Not focusing on tomorrow, it hasn't happened yet. Not focusing on yesterday, it's already gone. I guess what helps me is letting go and taking it easy. Accepting I'm a person, I'm gonna have flaws, I'm gonna have bad days, and hell, I might relapse. But my journey to recovery won't be over til I'm dead.

We're both doing this ultimately because we want better - for ourselves and our loved ones. We don't want the pain. So it makes more sense to focus on the positive than beating ourselves up. But we gotta work for that. The disgust won't disappear overnight, but if we make even the smallest effort each day to just be a bit kinder to ourselves, we'll get somewhere.

Also: if you recently stopped drinking, I want you to know it's okay if you aren't ready to quit vaping yet. It hurts for me to vape, too. I tried quitting and I caved because the withdrawal is too much for me to handle right now. And that's okay. Better for me to vape than drink. If I do the work on myself now, my future self can tackle the vaping. If you do quit, there's nicotine replacement and meds to help cravings.

I'm not sure if that helps bc I can only share my experience but. I hope you can find a way to feel better. You matter and I'm proud of you for all the work you've put in so far. Addiction is rough no matter what you use. You're so much stronger than you could ever know. ♡ And there is nothing disgusting or shameful about having an illness.

[blubushie]

Not how I expected today to go.

I'm responding to this post by @beastlyboogie or "da-pizz" (cheers to the mate that told me about it) because I'm right pissed and I want my side heard. If you're seeing this and wondering what the hell happened and you want to know what started all this, go here.

Normally I wouldn't even respond to this since Boog posted an update and apology but unfortunately most people haven't seen that and just blocked me immediately because Boog came out about this and called me out by name publicly. They also insinuated that they were "also toxic" which... No. You were the only toxic one, Boog.

Did you ever consider that I didn't want to drag you into this? That maybe I just wanted to vent my thoughts into the void? That there's a bloody reason I didn't tell anyone who said that shit in my vent post? Remember when I told you that you forgive more easily than I do? Despite that, I was willing to let bygones be bygones. I didn't (and still don't) want you to be shamed. We had a falling out. That happens.

But like hell am I going to take this shit lying down.

So let's get to it.

No you bloody didn't. We talked for maybe a month. In that time I hardly responded because I've been busy with my own life. I told you basically nothing about myself specifically because I made a point not to tell you anything about myself. We were not "close," not in the slightest. You don't know any more about me than what I've said publicly on this blog.

Scared? No. In need of professional help? Yeah, probably. The thing is that it's not your place or anyone's place to pressure me into doing it. I decide when I'm ready to get help if I decide I need it, not you. You are not a therapist.

Name one way in which I hurt you. I can name all the ways you hurt me. 1) Every time I told you I was uncomfortable with sexual talk but you continued. 2) Every time I told you that I wasn't a therapist, that I'm not good at comfort, but you kept trauma dumping despite me repeatedly telling you that I'm uncomfortable with it. 3) Every time you flirted with me after I told you that I'm not polyamorous and I'm not comfortable discussing it.

And then you have the bloody gall to shame me for being having boundaries and being uncomfortable with your trauma dumping? You have a therapist you can talk to! That's something I don't even have! You have the balls to tell me I caused a relapse? I have my own issues, mate. I can take some venting but trauma is called trauma for a bloody reason. I don't need any more on my plate because it's already overflowing.

The only time where I even came close to "hurting you" is when we were discussing fucked-up shit we've seen online. You implied I was downplaying what you've seen and I immediately apologised for coming off that way.

What a load of bollocks. "I don't want to affect his public image," but then you go and publicly call me out and SAY I CAUSED A RELAPSE? In what bloody world is that not going to affect my public image? And instead of being reasonable about this you decide to just block me everywhere so we can't even settle a private matter in private like adults. You tell people that if they follow me you're going to block them so it's an ultimatum between you or me, as if that doesn't ruin my public image. Then you go a step further by saying you'll discuss our affairs in private WITH OTHER PEOPLE where, for all I know, you can say I said or did bloody anything and spread whatever lie you want about me to have people believe. If you're going to hang shit on me, don't be a bloody coward about it and DO IT WHERE I CAN SEE IT AND RESPOND.

So no. I'm not playing this bloody game. I'm bringing receipts. Difference between us is that I'm not an arsehole, so I'm going to block out anything personal that you've told me in confidence that I reckon you wouldn't want to have shared.

This is (I think) the first time I told you I was uncomfortable with sexual talk.

This is the first time I told you I was uncomfortable with trauma-dumping.

Immediately afterward you say this and tell me you've relapsed on self-harm, as if it's either my fault or I'm supposed to feel guilty because I was uncomfortable hearing you talk about trauma, and you explain it away as "Well, can't always be only positive!" Yes you can! Yes you bloody can! We don't know each other well enough for this shit!

You then acknowledged that you were trauma-dumping, apologised, and said you don't want to make me uncomfortable despite continuing to do so only days later. You also say you have no one to talk to about these things despite having a qualified therapist to talk to specifically about these things.

Four days later you go on a massive tangent with trauma-dumping.

Which led us to this exchange.

After this you proceeded to block me everywhere. After saying I "kept pushing this."

Then you start telling your mates things about me.

How the hell am I stereotypical? HOW AM I RIGHT-WING? Because I like firearms? Because I have a fucking job that requires the use of firearms? You didn't think I was right-ring when you were talking to me about how you learned to shoot a rifle when you were young and how fun it is. You didn't think I was right-wing when you were obsessively singing my praises and saying you wished you were living my life.

How many times did we discuss you? We were always discussing you. We exchanged stories. That's what people do. We discussed life in Russia versus life in Australia, how things work out in the bush, we discussed Russian hospitals versus Australian hospitals.

HOW THE HELL IS MY FIC PROBLEMATIC? You're the one who tried to promote it (without my asking you to) and in the same post insinuated that people who don't read it are only reading gay ships because they fetishize them! I'm the one who asked you to remove that post! You're the one who called it "misogyny drama" because Jesse has struggles that a lot of girls have struggles with? Did you ever consider that maybe some of the things that happen in my stories are based on real events? Or is telling real stories just "misogyny drama" to you?

Is it this? You didn't seem to think it was "problematic" when you were saying you liked how Mundy acted and that you'd love if he did the same thing to you. And no, he didn't "almost fuck her," he kissed her. She reciprocated.

And yeah, he flirted with her when she was 16. He's from Australia, specifically New South Wales. The age of consent is 16 there. Jesse is a legally consenting adult by Australian law. And of course he's going to threaten her! She's on BLU team! What did you expect from enemies, a cheesy "Well, I'll see you next Tuesday?" He was looking out for her and reminding her of what her job entails. That's the point.

You never once told me my "behaviour" was concerning. Not once. And I'm not bloody proud of "getting in fights." You're the one who was boasting about somehow getting into the bully group at your school which I specifically told you is nothing to be proud of.

The only thing I'll "admit" to being proud of is learning how to use firearms at a young age, and I'm one hell of a shot. That means I can provide for myself and my family. If shit ever hits the fan, I can survive. That's something to be proud about. The ability to help and provide for your community and the people you love is something to be proud about.

When have I ever said my job was a fucking excuse? My job is a reason. I build obstacles around myself so that people like you can't fucking hurt me even after you betray my trust and try to ruin my image to a community I feel I have a place in. This is my one fucking place where I feel I can be open and my only mistake was letting you through my walls.

"Cold and careless" I TOLD YOU I'M LIKE THIS. I told you not to expect comfort from me because I'm not good at comforting people. Do you not understand how this works? Do you have any bloody idea how much I fucking fretted over your little attention-grabbing schticks?

Notice what sticks out? "I tell them my personal shit (trauma dumping you mean) and every time he says not to talk to him about it." How many times do you think I told you to stop trauma-dumping onto me because I can't handle it? Because it stresses me out and I have enough on my plate? And you didn't bloody listen.

Then you talk shit about me and AND MY SHEILA because I have trauma I'm working through. Also STOP THINKING I'M FUCKING SNIPER. I'm not a fictional fucking character, Boog! I'm a person!

Do you just not understand how autism works? About how certain things can be fucking painful to talk about? I don't do touch. I can't talk about certain things. Respect my fucking boundaries. It's no wonder you claim you lose every friend you get if you're like this with everyone.

Then when I vent my frustrations on my own blog after you blocked me you're creeping on my blog after blocking me to see if I'm posting about you? Funny how this happened a few days ago but you don't post that until I post my vent. And I never even named you! Not once! I was fully content to vent my frustrations and never tell anyone who made me feel like such shit because I didn't want to involve you. I didn't want anyone to come to you or treat you differently because of how I felt.

But nah, yeah. Me stating my boundaries, boundaries you refused to respect, makes me the arsehole in this situation. It doesn't matter that I have my own fucking trauma, that I have issues that I haven't told a goddamn soul about, that your own lack of empathy kept dredging up memories that I want to forget. No, I'm the arsehole because I decided to lay out my boundaries and decide that I'm not going to be a therapist for someone 1) I've known for a month, 2) will not respect my own boundaries or my own trauma, or 3) blames me for their own lack of self-control.

Did you really think that telling someone who already struggles with making connections, that self-ostracised himself from society because of how much it's hurt him in the past, "You will go on being alone in the bush" was a good idea? Did you really? Do you have any bloody idea how much that's fucked with my head these past few days? That I'm the one to blame for setting boundaries?

Or were you, as usual, focused on yourself and how you felt without a regard to my boundaries or how I felt during this situation?

My advice? Learn some bloody respect especially when it comes to other people's boundaries, do some introspection and maturing, then get back to me when you're ready to sort things out like an adult.

[ikarus-wax-wings]

Today

Today I looked in the mirror and saw my mother Something in the set of my jaw, maybe Or some whisper of familiar features, though I don't have any that copy hers Today I went on a walk And I thought about the people I love who love me back In a way that hurts And I shut all the closet doors that make it impossible to sleep But they keep opening And letting in monsters with soft hands That make me bleed Today I drank a cup of tea And I put too much sugar And I pretended I wasn't telling myself the things I was The lingering ' don't deserve's And ' shouldn't have's Today I couldn't forget how far down I sit Or how tall the climb is Knowing I once hated life more Doesn't make up For the fact I'm lower than I've ever been With this sickness in my body And this sickness in my head And arms that can't lift anything And legs that can barely carry me And I weigh the same weight As I did when I was 12 Several inches smaller With more muscle instead of just bone And I wasn't so sick then Not like I am now So it's not exactly that I've relapsed But growing still seems some feat And this body was never supposed to be as it was then again Here I sit with my ribs on display And my arms that cannot hold And my legs that cannot bring me so far as before Today I tried again to write about a friend Who I loved as that and more Who taught me heartbreak in a new way And no matter how many words I write None ever seem to fit Or let out what I keep within Today I had three nightmares Each one after another Toe to toe And I can't really remember what happened now I've been waking up with sweat plastering me to my clothes and sheets With thick confused anxiety And grief that fills my stomach and muffles my head And this exhaustion I can't pull off of me As it sticks and suffocates This cycle, I do not have the tools to break it And Today I failed to eat And I curled up in my bed And I let the fog filled graveyard of my mind Pull me into something like sleep again And I didn't do anything On my lists and lists of wants and duties And I didn't listen to music because it was all wrong And my mind took me back to my cage And I didn't make a sound

[felixcatton]

Hello ma’am ☀️ 👋🏻 😌

Having watched djats (I blame u), I’d love to hear about your fav parts of the show and book - bonus points if they’re not in the book and show! (Of course if you feel inclined to share! 😊)

I'M SO HAPPY YOU WATCHED, i'll gladly take the blame 😁 i'll keep it to things that aren't in the book or in the show, orrrrr just things that i just think were executed way better in one rather than the other!

the book:

this is more just something that i thought wasn't executed as well in the show, but... karen. like everything about karen. i loooove suki waterhouse, but much preferred karen in the book. the show tried sorta, but she felt watered down. among other reasons, i have... Complicated feelings about karengraham and like 90% of her scenes were with graham. in the book, she was my third favourite character and i loved her entire arc.

i was skimming the book the other day and i was so struck by how MUCH there is about teddy and billy working on aurora together. i love that their dynamic was like a father/son, yes, but also such a musical partnership. there's such an ease to their work together, like musical soulmates. they were such a tight, exclusive unit that it's like yeah no wonder the band hated you 😭 but i loved it<3

on that same note, i did love billy and teddy going back and rerecording so much of the album behind everyone's backs. and i obviously just mean that in the sense that i simply can't help but enjoy an annoying rude tyrannical little control freak character and i especially enjoy watching those traits destroy all of their relationships. and this particular thing factored so heavily into the band's resentments and ultimate break-up that i was surprised the show didn't include it other than eddie throwing in a single line about it in the last episode. the show obv already has ample examples of billy being an asshole in this way, but this specifically was a real stand-out moment in the book to me.

daisy's general motherhood arc, which IS obviously a part of the show, and i do like the way it was done in the show; i just really, really loved how a hope like you was explicitly about that in the book.

a hope like you on snl!!!!! the idea of them doing a stripped down, intimate performance right at the time that daisy feels most vulnerable with him, and everyone going so crazy for it that they have to try to recreate it at every show. and with a song that is SO vulnerable to her, a song that she admits is about him but is on a much larger scale about her wish to become a mother, to be the kind of woman who could be a good mother, like the kind of woman he married. and how singing this particular song with him in this particular way becomes actually torturous. it was such a choice. this part, particularly the last paragraph, is just insane.

the show:

daisybilly actually kissing. not once, not twice, but three times. like, thank god.

SIMONE AND BERNIE 💖🧡💕💓💝💗💞❤️💘

playing up daisy's mommy issues was such a good choice. their phone call in episode 10 was a highlight of the whole show for me.

okay i'm an eddie hater and wish it could've been done with someone else (although i get why it was eddie, it definitely added to the eddie/billy rivalry, or rather the eddie/billy rivalry that eddie wishes existed) but i am happy that camila got an explicit cheating plot. like she needed that. we all needed that.

this is a really little scene but it's kind of a big one when you compare it to the book. billy and camila talking about having another child but then never having one, considering they already had three kids at that point in the book. like... what an interesting scene lmao. but also how he reacts the exact same way to camila bringing up another baby as he did to daisy bringing up another album. it’s a lot.

billy's relapse and camila leaving him in episode 10. not just because i thought it was nice to see camila actually say "enough is enough" but because i was glad to see both of them forced to confront everything and realize that just saying "everything is fine" does not, in fact, make everything fine. and that billy was white-knuckling his sobriety! i was happy to see that actually fully acknowledged. the fact that he actually goes back to rehab and stays in therapy afterwards and how that's really the only reason they were able to stay together and make it work, while in the book they just never talk about it ever and are like "we prefer it this way actually" (which is hilarious and so, so crazy like book!camilabilly will forever be so fascinating to me, i want to study their brains). for the show, i thought that was a really satisfying conclusion that imo made it clear that the rest of their marriage really was happy, even if still surely complicated™️