#and also the misogyny & toxic masculinity that is out there in many comments (not on tumblr) because of Ueas femininity ..... damn sad

[scarefox]

btw. it annoys me when people reduce Bed Friend to just showing homophobia, trauma and child abuse or NC scenes. 

When it is actually ALSO about finding / getting help, self acceptance and about healing and leaving toxic relationships behind.

And sometimes it might do that in an anti-example. Like the whole Uea and Krit situation. (confirmed by Ueas actor James) Uea KNOWS what Krits deal is, he is afraid of him, knows that he can’t do anything against him since he is his boss. He’s a bit stuck there. Because he doesn’t want to show fear, wants to stay strong on his own. Getting help is / was weakness in Ueas opinion, it would make Krit win. But in this case we all learn (he too), that this isn’t the best way, that he should have asked for help. Uea realizes that at the end. That there are indeed people who want to help him, people he can trust despite his bad experiences with other people. Therapy and talking about it helps him in the end too. And I think that is an important message. 

And yes, the NC scenes are crucial to the plot and character development for both Uea and King as well (despite the sex positivity which is a contrast to Ueas moms negativity).

It starts as a mistake with overstepping. Uea then gives into not the bets coping at the beginning at least (sex can be used for coping since it makes you feel better / high for a moment but can turn into an addiction or bad coping) and lowkey self destructive tendencies. Which gets shown or addressed in some of the NC scenes, when Uea gets overboard. Ueas mom taught him that he’s a dirty homosexual, a slut and so on. He internalized that shit to an extend that he hates King for being a player at first. But every time Uea has conflicts with his mom he goes like “well guess I behave in the worst way mom hates and I will love it”. But eventually this develops into him realizing with help of King, that it’s not bad and dirty. That people can love him not just for his body. (tbh I would have loved a little insight into Uea and his ex relationship. We only know that he was just ‘unknowingly’ his affair. So again might have been just reduced to his body again)

And did someone notice the theme of the alcohol issue? Their first hook up was a drunken one which ended in regret and the feeling of being used. The next time the same situation started, King denies any sexual activity with Uea. Cause he learned the lesson. And at the end they do have sex with alcohol involved but with both their consent to involve it when they were still sober!

[nonbinarymoon]

Youtube is so shitty. They keep making my transmasc nonbinary ass feel dysphoric as hell by showing me ads geared towards cis women, like I literally had a dior and fucking eyeliner ads back to back two minutes ago. And the worst part is youtube doesn't even let you block their ads anymore the only option that shows up for me for anything I see now is 'why this ad?' as far as I know. Hadn't seen 'stop seeing this ad' in a couple weeks now.

[tollingreminiscentbells]

In the defense of bottom!Voldemort|Tom

I'm in a mood, so I've decided to break down my thoughts on this topic and I'm putting it in the tags for anyone who is interested. With a suitably melodramatic title.

The rules here are simple: if you know you won't like this, don't read it. If you read it anyway and don't like it, that is the definition of a you problem. Okay? Okay.

So let's talk about why I think it is incorrect and, frankly, offensive to claim that Voldemort|Tom bottoming is inherently out of character.

In order to have this conversation, we're actually having a bigger conversation about sex. Because that's really what this is about.

Something that has popped up in a handful of comments on my own fic is surprise that Voldemort wants to suck Harry's cock. Now, I'm going to be charitable and assume that the people who say things like this don't realize what they're implying. But the reality is that they are operating from the assumption that a man sucking another man's dick is, at least to some extent, weak and degrading. A subservient act.

This is both homophobic and factually untrue. A significant percentage of people who like dick also like giving blowjobs. It's an enjoyable, pleasurable thing to do. And even if the physical act of sucking cock doesn't turn someone on, there are so many other reasons to want to do it. Getting off on being the source of your partner's pleasure, for one example.

But let's move on to the elephant in the room: anal sex. Specifically, the act of being penetrated. The interesting thing about bottoming is that, contrary to what some people seem to believe, it's the more powerful position. Penetration is only happening because the person bottoming is granting permission. Even if that person has ceded total control of the encounter, the fact remains that they made that decision in the first place and could un-make it at any time.

If that agency does not exist, the sex is not truly consensual. Full stop.

Moreover, a strong, dominant personality =/= topping. There is no innate correlation. This is where misogyny really comes to the table. Bottoming seen as a feminine act, and femininity conflated with weakness and submission. Do I think (most) Tomarrymort readers are consciously thinking this way? No. But that doesn't mean the underlying bias isn't present.

There are so many ways penetrative sex can play out. Yes, you get the "classic" version of the person topping being dominant and the person bottoming being submissive. But you can also get topping from the bottom, where the dominant partner in every way is the person being fucked. Or maybe no one is taking a dominant role. Et cetera. This is a broad overview, not an exhaustive list.

Do you see what none of these things have? An assumption that topping=stereotypical masculinity and bottoming=stereotypical femininity. Even with a couple that likes playing with that flavor of gender roles, it's a choice they're making. And before someone willfully misunderstands me, there is nothing wrong with that choice. But don't mistake it for something it's not.

So now that we've clarified that being penetrated is not weak, degrading, or even inherently submissive, let's bring this back to Tomarrymort.

First of all, have you read the books? Voldemort is campy as shit. High drama and a surprisingly great sense of humor (his jokes are fucked up, but also pretty funny). He's not this hyper-masculine figure. On the flip side, Harry is not an effeminate man. He's a jock who will fight you.

So from whence comes this zealous dedication some people have to a fixed dynamic that puts Voldemort|Tom in the masculine role and Harry in the feminine role? Yes, we've established that sex positions are neither of those things, but we all know that's the assumption simmering toxically in the background.

I can't say for sure, but my instincts tell me that it comes from a shallow read of both characters. Voldemort is a powerful man who commands a terrorist organization. Harry is the good-hearted hero, defined by his capacity to love. And this can get twisted into Voldemort|Tom taking and Harry giving in a very reductive way. Even when the relationship is meant to be consensual.

Obviously, I don't think this is universal. I've read a lot of incredible takes on sex in this fandom, with different top/bottom/switching dynamics. And this is fanfiction, which means you can play with characterization to your heart's content. What I'm talking about is people insisting that Voldemort|Tom must top and Harry must bottom and anything else is wrong.

Why are you so adamant about that? Have you ever given it a moment's thought? If you prefer it, you prefer it, that's all fine. But when it morphs into claiming that bottom!Voldemort|Tom is out of character and bad, things have crossed over into the arena of the absurd. Like what you like, but be aware of what you're really saying when you talk about sex.

Not conflating bottoming with weakness and topping with strength would be a good starting point. Understand that there are myriad reasons a person might want to bottom. It can be a source of relief, allowing someone else to take control so you don't have to. It can be an act of manipulation. It can be a form of domination. And sometimes it's just because bottoming is what feels good and they have more fun that way. Or it's just the kind of pleasure they're in the mood for on a random Tuesday night.

No one is telling you to read things you don't enjoy. And no one is saying that fixed top/bottom dynamics don't exist in the real world. But it's ridiculous to apply a fixed dynamic to such a degree that you get upset when other people write something else and consider a fic "ruined" by it. You really should put some thought into your biases. It's good for you. But even if you don't, when you claim a sexual dynamic is inherently out of character, you're actually just wrong. So stop doing that. It will be a net gain for all of us, including you.

[dearestconnormurphy]

Brokeback Mountain Review

Just got back from London, and I am still in awe. The play was fantastic. Mike and Lucas really made the characters their own. It definitely was not just a rehash of the movie, it was very fresh and also followed the original short story.

The theater itself was beautiful. It was an arena theater and a very intimate space. I was fortunate enough to be right by the stage so every time the actors were out they were like literally an arms length away! It was pretty amazing to watch from that distance, it was completely immersive and I felt like I was actually IN the story.

Both actors were great. Lucas Hedges (Ennis) was quiet and shy, but you could tell there was SO much going on beneath the surface and when moments of rage came out it was even more shocking. A really nuanced performance.

Mike Faist (Jack) was absolutely electric - a live wire of energy and he just sparkles charisma and charm in the role. The “I wish I knew how to quit you line” was delivered with so much emotion, people in the audience were already crying. It was amazing to watch him live, he really shines.

The chemistry between the two of them was on fire, the moments of passion were intense, and there were sooooo many sweet and tender moments that melted my heart! There’s a scene where they’re both in bed post-lovemaking and all the loving touches and cuddling just feels so real and authentic.

It was interesting because the play was not only about homophobia but also how homophobia is connected to greater issues of toxic masculinity, misogyny, and what it means to be considered a “man” in our society. The toxic masculinity is the root problem and all these other issues - including homophobia - stem from it.

Afterwards, I got to meet Lucas and Mike at the stage door. Lucas was very sweet, signed my playbill and asked where I was from, then thanked me for coming. Mike was amazing, he gave me a hug because he said he saw I was crying at the end of the play (too sweet), and had a little convo with me. It wasn’t rushed at all, and he’s so personable and laid back I wasn’t even nervous to talk to him. He really does exude this natural charisma, so I can see why everyone always comments on that! He also signed my playbill and took a pic, and as someone who’s been following him since DEH (unfortunately never got to see him in that), I’m still shook I actually got to meet him in person!

All in all a wonderful and beautifully presented story. 5/5 stars.

[dukeofankh]

Hey, I don't think I've seen people talk about this much but the now almost memeified concept that living as a woman under patriarchy means you understand how men think... y'all do understand that that's bullshit, right?

Like, think literally whatever you want to about men's thoughts and motives, stay safe, I'm not trying to tell you to trust dudes more or something. I've just seen so many poorly written thinkpieces and posts and comments by women about the interior lives of men, usually as part of discussions of toxic masculinity or in response to masculinity crisis type discourse. And I am tired. So many women acting like an authority while being so thoroughly out of their lane.

By all means, do what you need to do to not get eaten by the metaphorical grizzly bear that lives in your neighborhood. Swap stories and tactics among yourselves about the bear's behavior patterns, apparent triggers, ways to stay safe. That's not even sarcastic. Do that. I do not begrudge women that. It is dangerous out there. There is a fucking bear in the neighborhood. Bears can be dangerous.

...but you see how that's not actually like, learning anything about the internal life of the bear, right? Like, you do not gain the knowledge of living as the bear just by avoiding its claws.

And I wanna make this clear, you are not required to give a fuck about that. You don't have to! Your main concern can be not being eaten by the bear. I am not saying you owe the bear empathy while it is in the process of mauling you.

But there are some conversations right now about like, the state of masculinity. How to grow and change and iterate away from patriarchal/protofascist concepts that eat men from the inside out. How to build new community, new identity, how to offer a sense of welcome and guidance but also freedom. Conversations about how it feels to be a man. What men want, and why they want it. Conversations going from the inside out. Hell, even a lot of conversations about why men act in toxic ways and how to prevent men from turning into manosphere misogynists necessarily require understanding the motives and interior life of a person, and why men are attracted to harmful ideologies.

Evading the bear does not, in and of itself, give you an expert voice to bring to...bear...on that conversation.

And as a sidebar I do want to say, there are women who absolutely have developed wisdom about men, but they didn't gain it by engaging with them solely as a threat. Even if their perspectives are a complement to mens perspectives on their own gender and not a replacement for it, it isn't impossible, it just usually involves having literally dozens and dozens of deeply raw conversations with men and learning how they see the world. Susan Faludi, bell hooks, those women are out there. But unless you've done that work yourself you don't get to use the existence of those women to add unearned weight to your unexamined presumptions about what men must be like.

If engaging with conversations with and about men as full people and not just misogyny demons would be triggering for you, then you absolutely do not have to, and frankly shouldn't, just wade on in there. Because, while you do know what you're talking about, the thing you're talking about isn't actually what is being discussed.

[clovermunson]

author’s note: so i’d listened to anti-hero probably ten, maybe fifteen times prior to writing this. it’s just such a billy song and i felt that i had to write this to justify it. likes and reblogs are very much appreciated, i just ask that you do not repost my work and claim it as yours! — xo, morgan❤️

word count: 930 — just a baby blurb

warnings: mentions of trauma and abuse (rather vague, but can be easily inferred), internalized misogyny and toxic masculinity, angst, and general sadness. if you aren’t a billy hargrove enjoyer, then you’re in no way obligated to read this! you are responsible for your own media consumption.

tags: @nevermore66 (i remembered you commenting on my post about writing more for billy and how you wanted to be tagged, and i just want to thank you so much for that little bit of support!💕) and also the lovely @kc-needs-coffee who basically beta read this for me and gave me her thoughts— i love you so much for that!!❤️

**gif found on pinterest!!

Billy stood with his back against the closet door, his face hidden in his hands to hide the fact that he was crying. It didn’t matter to him that the closet door was thin and flimsy— he’d take support from anything he could get it from at that point. He felt hopeless, alone even. Like he’d never escape whatever hell he’d been subjected to living in.

Don’t let him see you cry, it’ll only make it worse.

It played through Billy’s mind like a personal mantra, a stinging reminder that he wasn’t supposed to show any emotion, that he was supposed to be tough all the time.

But he wasn’t. Billy was sensitive, more sensitive than he ever let on. There were many nights where he kept himself up, trying to find the answers. He tried to make sense of it; why he wasn’t the son his father wanted or why he wasn’t allowed to be sensitive. But he never found those answers, no matter how many times he looked through every imperfection, no matter how late he’d stayed awake wondering what he did wrong.

The only thing he could determine from many sleepless nights spent staring at his ceiling was that it was all his fault. His mom leaving had been his fault. The endless torment from Neil had been his fault, though it was disguised as ‘tough love’. Any trouble that Max got herself into was his fault, despite him never having a part in it. The family, if he could even call it that, as broken and dysfunctional as it was, being uprooted from sunny California to Hawkins had been his fault, even though he never understood why he was to blame for that. Everything was his fault, and he couldn’t escape having the blame thrown on him without so much as a second thought.

He wiped away the tear that had begun to roll down his cheek, flinging his hand down as he did so, almost as if he were throwing the tear away. He took a few deep breaths, trying to regain any semblance of his composure before going to find Max. He couldn’t let anyone see that he was crying, or even let anyone know that he had been crying. Once again, he’d be left to clean up a mess he hadn’t made or run the chance of suffering the wrath of his father for a second time that night. In a wise decision to try and save his own ass, he decided to just stop arguing and agreed to find his sister before it got worse for him.

Looking at the small calendar on his wall, it reminded him just how much closer he was to graduating. How that sweet freedom was almost in his grasp. He’d have to find a job immediately or hope he'd get accepted into a college far enough away, but anything that promised him a shot at getting out of this hellhole and finally being able to support himself was good enough for him.

He then shifted his gaze to his own reflection, noticing how his eyes were still red and slightly puffy. He noticed his tear-stained face. He looked weak, vulnerable even. Why did he hate that he looked vulnerable? Why did it make him damn near viscerally sick to see himself like that?

Oh, that’s right. Because men aren’t supposed to cry. And if Neil saw it, his face wouldn’t be red from just his tears.

He held so much hate and rage in his heart towards Neil for that, sure that he’d never forgive him for burning that into his mind. But, no matter how much it burned him from the inside out, he couldn’t directly take that out on his father, it would only make matters worse for him.

Billy gathered himself, going to his bathroom to splash some cold water on his face in an attempt to try and combat the redness around his eyes. After a few minutes, he looked at his reflection again, content with how he looked, sure that it would save him from the ridicule from his father or anyone else.

He grabbed his keys from his nightstand, feeling his muscles relax a bit from knowing that he’d be leaving the house for at least a few hours. Looking at the key that matched the lock on his door, he smiled to himself, knowing that at least he could keep cherished photos and things his mom had left him safe from Neil.

Without saying a word, he walked through the hallway and living room, right past Neil and Susan, on the way out to his car. It was the one place where he felt comfort, and a little bit of escape from the cruel reality he lived in. He sat in the driver’s seat, his head resting against the headrest as his fingers aimlessly tapped against the steering wheel. A thousand different thoughts raced through his mind, each one making him feel differently about himself, but he settled on one that didn’t make him feel shitty as he looked in his rear view, turning the key in the ignition.

The camaro roared to life, and he felt his body relax for the first time since that morning. He sunk down into the seat, taking a moment to himself as he took another deep breath, stabilizing his menagerie of thoughts. Finally, he’d been granted some clarity.

You’re not the bad guy. You never were. You don’t always have to look for a fight, because that’s not who you truly are.

[catboyeddiediaz]

"Don't draw men because they aren't nice to look at" okay that's toxic for many reasons, but also really funny to me because I drawn mostly men lmao. Most of my OCs are male so I've definitely tried to draw them the most (tho I'm a beginner)

I drew mostly men too until fairly recently! I feel like designing female characters is harder in some ways because there's like. Unrealistic expectations centered around misogyny that applies to how feminine characters are perceived by an audience and has taken me a long time to unlearn (they're much more likely to be considered 'Mary Sues' if you make them interesting, for example) but that's a whole other can of worms.

Honestly I have a lot of PERSONAL BEEF with some big artists that make a lot of "how to" videos for a lot of reasons, but that one definitely made me mad lol. It gets even worse w/ context but I didn't mention it in the tags since I didn't wanna clutter/derail op's post, but I'll add it here.

The guy in question was doing an anatomy tutorial, and he said "learn how to draw men first so you get an idea of how muscles work, then never draw them again because they're ugly and draw pretty girls instead!"

He also gave the usual "women don't have angles, they are all soft curves, avoid making them look too masculine or fat" spiel. I checked out his twitter and literally all of his paintings are of the same girl with different hair colors/lengths 😭 the same exact face and body type in every piece. I HATE IT

Then he made some nasty comments about noses (the usual white artist BS of saying there's only One Way to draw a nose and it's an average thin button nose) and drew giant X's over art that had large noses or pronounced bridges, and as someone who adores those kinds of noses and gives unique noses to most of my ocs it made me really mad lol.

And I don't mean to hate on people who draw what they want to draw, but I also don't think people who are only good at drawing one specific type of person by a design that's heavily rooted in unrealistic white fantasy are entirely qualified to be giving art or anatomy advice, nor are they qualified to hand out judgment on what is considered "good" or "bad" character design, especially to young inexperienced artists who are much more likely to watch these kinds of videos and take these made up "rules" of anatomy to heart. So it BUGS me.

[the-good-bad-truth]

I want to dive deeper into the toxicity of rock genre. There is nothing wrong with liking 1 genre or even having an opinion. However, there is a line b/w having music preferences and constantly hating an artist(s) or genre just because it's not what u listen to. There's been fans or even bands themselves who will hate on someone for wearing band merch. I can understand why their defensive especially if the person wearing it doesn't know the band and wearing it cuz it looks cool but is it a bad thing. The artist, Yungblud, who I think is actually underrated gets hated cause he paints his nails, is open about his sexuality and wears skirts. I guess it has to do with the misogyny, homophobia and toxic masculinity within this genre. In the 80s, most of the men would wear makeup, fishnets and also paint their nails but we're seen as hot. The big names in rock also like to play the blame game. I think it was Gene Simmons who said rock was dead cuz of fans. He is right that people can found ways to listen to music w/out paying. But does he expect his fans who most likely need to pay bills to pay for $200+ tickets/merch or another remastered greatest hits album. Is it the fans fault for artists getting paid less or the labels/streaming services that cheat the artist. Its also like he and many already popular rock bands aren't really suffering financially from streaming cuz they already rich. If anything it's smaller artist that have to find new ways of promoting and building a strong fanbase. I think this is what bands can learn from younger bands cuz I don't think older bands were able to build a close bond with fans like the newer artist have. I saw a comment saying if anyone actually liked mgk music then there losers or something like that. So ur saying that a 15 yr old who is struggling with anxiety or a 30 year old who got sober with the help of mgks music is a loser. Corey Taylor is known as Slipknots frontman but to rock media he is the guy whose opinion is seen as "law" in rock. I've seen videos where he talked about how he hates or made "jokes" about pop/ hip hop music, mgk, to cd cases to comparing imagine dragons to the new Nickelback. I think it's weird and maybe he's not totally to blame but it's like u really want to be known as the guy who hates everything and complains that rock is not original but won't allow artist to be original because then their try hard or posers. He's not the only one that does this, there are many others who criticize new artists. In stranger things, they used "Master of puppets" by Metallica and ST fans used it in TikToks but Metallica fans were upset. I didn't see what the issue was because doesn't it help the band. I think that new alternative music is original cuz artists are blending genres or adding their own twist on the older rock. You have Post Malone, mgk, juice wrld, Yungblud who combined Linkin park, blink 182, and rap/hip hop together. You also have more female artists like Halsey, siickbrain, Nessa, Billie eilish, Olivia Rodrigo, Halestorm. They call new rock not real music or that it's just cheesy lyrics but wasn't a majority of 80s bands like Poison, Kiss, Motley crue songs about girls, sex and parties. Those lyrics weren't exactly relatable but they were great because those fans wanted music to have fun to and the bands provided the larger then life, crazy, fast paced lifestyle their fans dreamed of. You can take every genre and see why people would gravitate towards it whether it's cuz of the vibe or energy it creates, relatable lyrics, or it just sounds good. That's why this new music is perfect cuz it isn't really about who can wear merch or who slept with the most girls or parties the hardest but instead it's about being who you want to be w/out being judged, having a good time even when your having a bad time in your mind. In a way, rock is still an escape for people who wanted to take a breather from their problems and worries and just enjoy music.

[howaboutcastiel-personal]

I am supposed to be writing right now

and...technically I am, just not the right thing. I should be working on the next chapter of Fire Within My Soul or planning the next Make Your Acquaintance installment or word-vomiting Mandalorian porn onto a Google Docs document, but I don't feel like doing any of those. I think that my brain is good and properly broken for today, so I'm just going to use my word-spraying energy to write on here, because I had therapy today anyway and journaling is good practice.

I cried in therapy today, which is something I have done a total of three times since I began therapy. That is to say, over the last 9 or so years with about 7 or 8 therapists. It doesn't happen often. I fucking cried about Bill and Frank, if you could believe it. Actually, more accurately, I cried over Joel's fucking reaction (or lack thereof) to Frank and Bill's partnership. I don't even think that's what the show was going for, I think they were focusing more on the fact that Joel isn't able to call Tess his partner. Either way, the prospect of straight men being indifferent to or (god forbid) supportive of queer men??? That is just a fucking wild ass concept. Obviously, I am not a queer man. I am... something else, and I have a whole slew of internalized misogyny that I don't think I will ever remedy, but it still hit me personally. Because I just don't know any good men. I just fucking don't. Definitely not the ones in my family, except for Poppy but he's got dementia and he's also a fundamentalist Christian. None of my school teachers, that I can recall, were good men, though the ones here at school seem decent (actually, just Bitzer. Something is Wrong with Feeney's view of the world). None of the ones at church. I don't even have to explain that part. Jesus Christ. Except actual Jesus Christ was a better man than all of them by many, many metrics.

That's one of the things that upsets me about both Oscar and Pedro. Like, they genuinely seem like good men from the image they choose to display of themselves. They're genuine allies, they reject toxic masculinity, and they just seem like... good fucking guys? And they also happen to be attractive. People on the internet tend to say that you're a lesbian if the only men you're attracted to are through parasocial relationships--or just straight-up fictional men. But I think the genuine issue here is not that I'm gay, it's that the men around me just fucking suck. They genuinely suck. To be fair though, many of the people around me, regardless of gender, fucking suck. I think COVID permanently ruined all of us, as well as our ability to empathize and just all-around be normal fucking humans. I know I hold myself to an impossible standard, but I've started holding everyone else to that same standard, and now I just hate everyone.

Oops.

Anyway, Dr. Randall wants me to focus on the idea of fulfillment. What is fulfillment to me? What does it mean to "be Jonah" successfully? Well, let's start with the physicality of it all. I want to be skinnier and also much more toned and strong and beefy. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that being beefy means gaining weight and muscle mass, but I have a lot (a lot) of excess fat I can lose, so it would still be a significant size difference. I want to have strong, thick arms and a toned chest. I want to have a stomach that doesn't stick out past my boobs (which for me is absolutely doable, have you fucking seen my tits?). I want to have an ass and thighs that are toned and strong, not just "thick." I want all of those things so that I don't look like fucking Spongebob when I try to dress masculine.

That's the thing. I look good in feminine clothes, but I don't fucking want to. I don't want to have to be exclusively feminine to be socially acceptable. I want the kind of female body that is allowed to be masculine, so I look like a powerful woman instead of a blue-haired liberal when I dress how I want. And I know how that sounds. I just want to be that way, I'm not commenting on anyone else's style.

I want to be able to try new things, and I want to be able to come home from work at 5 PM and be okay with just cooking dinner, washing dishes, showering, and going to bed. I want to be able to allow myself to have leisure time, and to be un-depressed enough that leisure time actually means something to me.

I also want companionship. I'm starting to think I want a true partner, platonic and romantic and sexual, but honestly I'm so desperate for genuine affection that any kind of companionship will do. With a decent person, that is. I get plenty of attention now, but from people who I only surround myself with because my options are slim. I don't know what I need to do to find such companionship, because I do NOT want to use a dating app, but I just... want it. I want a best friend. I want someone to hold, and someone who will hold me. It can't be that much to ask, and I guess that it isn't. My issue is just that, because someone is a decent person, doesn't mean they're an attractive person to me. Even if I'm not aroace, I'm still grey-aro and grey-ace, and that makes this shit all the more difficult.

Anyway, it is now 4:49 and I need to leave work soon. My thighs hurt from squatting to stock bookshelves and going up and down stairs so much today and yesterday. The good news is I'm not in unbearable physical pain and shitting my brains out today. The worst thing I'm really experiencing is a headache, which I think is from all of the straining to not throw up that I did yesterday.

Anyway... have a much-too-long journal entry from a person who becomes more and more visibly autistic every single day. I do not know how to feel or express my emotions anymore, and I operate almost like a complete robot. I don't want to kill myself right now though, so I'm vibing. The numbness is much less painful than the alternative.

[gimme-mor]

ACOTAR THINK PIECE: ELAIN ARCHERON, UNTOUCHABLE

*DISCLAIMER*

This will be a long post.

Please take the time to read this post in its entirety and truly reflect on the message I am trying to send before commenting. My goal is to use my background in Gender and Women’s Studies to deconstruct the comments I have seen on Tumblr and Twitter and bring awareness to the ACOTAR fandom.

The reason I am tagging “Elriel” in this post is to call attention to the arguments in the Elriel fandom that: weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions about Elain’s character and her relationship with Lucien; victimize Elain’s character in fandom discussions; and coddle Elain’s character, which limits fandom discussions about her narrative development and prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions in the same way that the fandom holds other characters accountable for their actions and inactions. It is for these reasons that I WILL NOT remove the “Elriel” tag from this post because all of the above points contribute to the toxic discourse surrounding Elain’s character.

I urge those who use these arguments to understand their implications, why they are problematic, regardless of intent, and reexamine their contributions to the ACOTAR fandom. I WILL NOT tolerate anyone who tries to twist my words and say I am attacking people and their personal shipping preferences. In fact, I AM CRITIQUING THE ARGUMENTS THEMSELVES NOT THE PEOPLE USING THE ARGUMENTS.

Also, I highly encourage the Elriel fandom to read this post because it addresses how the concept of choice as an argument enables arguments to exploit social justice and feminist languge in order to vilify Elucien shippers, among other problematic things.

Elain Archeron is one of the most polarizing characters in the ACOTAR fandom. Though opinions about Elain vary, arguments in the Elriel fandom cite society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters as the reason behind the hate, and this belief is used to provide an explanation as to why other characters in the series are favored over her. In the series, Elain is portrayed in a wholly positive light and this image carries over into the Elriel fandom, painting her character as a good and kind female who has been unfairly wronged and a victim of circumstances that were out of her control. When arguments in the Elriel fandom oppose other viewpoints in the fandom, they fall into one of three categories:

Category 1: Weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions

Maybe people who hate Elain are just jealous of her in a weird way similar to when someone hates the pretty, nice, and charming girl in school just because she is too perfect

Disliking Elain is misogynistic

What happened to feminism? What happened to women supporting women? What happened to she can say no? All of that disappears the second you force Elain to be with Lucien

Elain antis are misogynistic

All Eluciens are Elain antis

Antis claiming they’re feminists when in reality they hate on Elain and Feyre but love Nesta

Elain antis are such sore losers. Y’all were that bunch of people who could not get over being rejected from hanging out with the cool kids so y’all are projecting your hatred towards pretty people now to get validation

I don’t get how Elain’s love for gardening equals boring for some people. I’m sorry your misogyny finds traditionally feminine activities boring

Why are you attacking a female? What did Elain do? Where are your feminist voices?

The fandom is misogynistic towards Elain

If people loved Elain they would ship Elriel

If you hate Elain it says a lot about your feelings toward women

If you hate Elain because she has no “development” then you must hate Azriel because otherwise you’re misogynistic

Eluciens are turned off by the idea of a woman that has the autonomy to reject a man for the simple reason that it is her choice

Eluciens are all about feminism and “it’s HER choice” until it comes down to females not wanting a male

Eluciens don’t respect Elain’s feelings when they ship her with someone that was part of her trauma and makes her feel uncomfortable

The way some Elucien shippers completely disregard how uncomfortable Elain is around Lucien is so hilariously not funny. Prioritizing being mates over Elain’s feelings is just regressive

It’s hard as a fan of Elain to see someone ship her with a person who makes her physically uncomfortable to be around. Wouldn’t you want both characters to be happy to be around each other

Imagine if SJM saw all the awful things her “stans” had to say about Elain

It’s true that we know comparatively little about her, but is she really boring or do you just not value stereotypically feminine traits?

So y’all are just gonna tell me you prefer Elucien over Elriel? Even though Lucien treats Elain as if she’s something that belongs to him? The only reason he wants to be with her is because she’s his mate, he doesn’t respect her, doesn’t treat her as his equal, even though that’s what mates should be? He doesn’t bother to look past what’s on the outside to see her for who she is. And Elain is obviously repulsed by the idea that she should belong to anyone or have no choice in who she can be with. Azriel is her friend and the only person who sees her quiet strength. He has so much faith in her, in her abilities; he’s the one who kept her company when no one else did, he’s the only one who bothered to see her for more than her brokenness. You’re going to tell me you still prefer Elucien over Elriel?

The more I see Gwynriels that ship Elucien out of their hate for Elain, the less I can understand Elain stans that ship Elucien. Pls Elain has made it very clear that she doesn’t want Lucien, why would you ship her with him? Do you hate her too? Smh

The real question would be, if you care and understand Elain why would you ship her with Lucien (where she canonically shrinks when he is near)?

People crying over Helion and Lucien’s mom not getting to be with each other and her being forced into a relationship she didn’t want, but also ship Elucien? Just say you hate Elain

When Elain’s book is out, Gwyn stans will look like clowns and I will laugh because they set her up by shipping her with Azriel just because they hate Elain. Watch them play the victims now because Elriels are clapping back the hate they’ve sent towards Elain

As romantic as wanting girl who is visibly uncomfortable around a guy who caused her trauma to end up with the said guy. Guess their standards for romance are in hell

Category 2: Victimize Elain’s character

Gwynriels only want Gwyn with Azriel because they despise Elain

Gwyn stans and Gwynriels are Elain antis

No one in the books dislike Elain, so why are there so many people who do?

Elain hasn’t done anything wrong or questionable to warrant the hate she gets

Not having Elain’s POV makes it easy for people to be swayed a certain way about her character if you already don’t relate to her in some way

It’s been years since this series came out and we haven’t gotten a lick of an Elain POV, but people still hate her for what? We don’t know her thoughts, dreams, or aspirations

We haven’t even had Elain’s perspective yet and people are passing these judgments off on her

Elain antis who say she’s boring are just cruel when she has obvious symptoms of PTSD like Feyre and Nesta

Gwyn is one of the most overhyped characters and that’s only because most people hate Elain and they couldn’t wait to find a random girl to ship Azriel with

Nesta was abusive to her sisters but Elain (who has only ever been kind) is painted as the villain

From the text we know that Elain is the epitome of feminine stereotypes (gentle, gardening, baking, non confrontational for the most part). Yet people still call her boring or deny that she has any interesting character traits?

You can’t love Nesta and hate Elain

People hate Elain because of internalized misogyny and lack of taste. All the girl does is tend to her garden and mind her business and they treat her worse than Tamlin

Does Gwyn deserve all this support? Of course yes! She is amazing! But where’s that support when Elain was in the same situation as she? Where’s that support for her right now? Why do they idolize Gwyn for her interactions with Azriel and hate Elain for having any interaction with him?

It’s not even a ship war anymore, they just hate Elain

People hate Elain for no reason

Some of y’all don’t like feminine traits and it shows

We know less about Eris and Helion but people don’t call them boring. Why would rejecting femininity make Elain more interesting?

Elain has had a lot forced upon her

The main reason I believe most people love Gwyn so much is to get Azriel away from Elain. It’s not a secret that Elain has been a widely hated character for years so suddenly we get a new female who has a minimal amount of interactions with Azriel and BOOM. New ship that once again doesn’t make sense (just like Azriel x Emerie after ACOFAS)

Elain hasn’t done something so terrible for her to get this hate. At this point some of you are just being misogynistic and you don’t want to accept it. Don’t call yourselves feminists and then say bs like this, it’s embarrassing. She’s pretty and everyone agreed to hate on her

Just a personal feeling, but I feel like a lot of the Elain hate stems from internalized misogyny. That to be a strong female lead, you need to pick up a sword and fight. That to be strong, you need to adapt traditionally masculine traits

Elain is feminine. She is beautiful. She loves to bake and garden. She is docile, quiet, observant, and a people-pleaser. All traditionally feminine traits. Yet for some reason, she’s like the worst in these people’s eyes?

I think also maybe a lot of people can’t relate to her femininity? That her being so beautiful and quiet doesn’t allow for the people who dislike her not to self-insert? Most of the hate stems from people not wanting Elain to be with Azriel. It’s mean, but maybe the people who hate Elain literally just can’t self-insert if they have a story and that’s why they’re vehemently against it?

Poor Elain. The Cauldron dealt her a bad deal. Upon emerging as Fae, she is immediately declared by Lucien as his mate, never mind that she was already engaged to a prick. Her love life is not good

It blows my mind how they really think that they can compare all the shit that Elain gets with some dumb jokes about Gwyn on Twitter (and yes, the “hate” towards her started mostly because Elriels are clapping back, it was bound to happen)

I would think of it as anti-feminist with Elain and Lucien because she has consistently stated that she does not want him so if she was forced to embrace the bond that would be taking away her right to have a choice but with Az she feels comfortable around so if they were mates then Elain would be happy and feel safe which again should be the priority for women to feel safe in their relationships with anything and to not be forced into any type of situation aka the mating bond in this

Category 3: Coddle Elain’s character

Elain has value the way she is, in all her domestic girly glory. Not every character has to be badass

We don’t speak of Elain’s flaws frequently because everyone else already speaks badly of her, mainly in an unfair way

There is definitely something deeper going on with Elain but by no means will she ever be evil or any less feminine. That goes against everything we already know about her

It’s ok to critique Elain because she needs growth but y’all keep forgetting the shit her and her sisters went through

The last “bad” thing Elain did in ACOTAR was not help Feyre when they were impoverished and I’m tired of people acting like she’s a terrible character when it was their father’s responsibility. It happened 4 books ago and Feyre has forgiven both Nesta and Elain

Elain’s character and the evil Elain theory are a great example of the trend where people only consider female characters interesting if they reject femininity

We don’t know enough to hate Elain

Many people want Elain to turn evil (which in my opinion seems to come from a place of internalized misogyny)

However we don’t tend to talk about her faults, at least not publicly, as that has been, and still is, done to death, and I--personally, at least--find it much more fun to theorise about potentially interesting aspects of the overall plot, than dwell on negatives

And ultimately, I would be shocked if Elain has a more karmically-charged story than Nesta, considering that Elain’s “wrongs” are so much less severe and bad than Nesta’s, and Elain has already apologized for them (or paid the price in other ways, like through what Graysen did)

I guess I also think Elain has suffered and been punished enough. I hope her story is about finding hope in terrible situations, and learning to love her new life, and choosing her own path after everything that has been done to her. I don’t think she needs to be punished anymore or face any additional trauma

Also, why is she being judged on her decisions as a human at all? Fae are monsters to humans! They enslaved them for thousands of years, and the Wall was erected to keep them out

Like I’m sorry, but think Elain would want to leave her ONLY FAMILY AND FRIENDS for the Spring Court where she has no one because--oh look, lots of flowers!--is the craziest thing I have ever heard

Her sisters are in the Night Court. Her nephew is in the Night Court. Her closest friends (Nuala and Cerridwen) are in the Night Court. Her love interest is in the Night Court. Her extended family is in the Night Court. Her home is in the Night Court

SJM isn’t going to keep two sisters together and split up the third. Especially not keep Feyre and Nesta together and separate Elain. They were either all going to end up in separate places, or together. Not 2 here and 1 there

Compared to the other female characters in the series, Elain is the only character whose femalehood is at the center of conversations; this is because arguments in the Elriel fandom fixate on it when discussing her character. While Elain, Feyre, Nesta, and Mor are all representations of white womanhood and white beauty, Elain epitomizes the most fragile version of white womanhood. It’s easy to blame society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters when it comes to the discourse surrounding Elain’s character because it: falls in line with the fixation on Elain’s femalehood to silence opposing viewpoints; is a simplistic explanation that fails to tackle the underlying issues with Elain as a character, the same issues that are downplayed in-universe; absolves Elain of her wrongdoings; prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions within the series; and diminishes the impact Elain’s actions and inactions have on those around her. It’s not that Elain is hated in the fandom because she’s a traditional female character; it’s the fact that arguments in the Elriel fandom deflect a critical analysis of Elain’s character because she’s a traditional female character who embodies the ideal white woman in need of protection. White fans and white-aligned fans of color, especially white women, have a tendency to vehemently defend, gatekeep, and coddle white female characters in fandom; this makes it difficult for other fans to engage in critical discussions about these white female characters because they’re viewed as flawless and all around perfect characters despite evidence to the contrary. Since Elain is viewed positively by the other characters in the series, it has rendered her character untouchable to any perceived slight or criticism in fandom discussions because those negative opinions challenge what has been said about her character thus far. And as a result, her character has been placed on a pedestal and implicitly hailed as the epitome of white womanhood; and when she’s criticized, it’s seen as a direct attack against white womanhood. Arguments in the Elriel fandom: exploit feminist language and perpetuate white feminist tactics under the guise of defending Elain’s character; center Elain in conversations about female oppression in the ACOTAR world and uphold white feminist ideologies in their critique of ACOTAR’s patriarchal society; and use the fragile white woman narrative to victimize Elain in Lucien’s presence, playing into racial biases that are associated with white supremacy’s defense of white womanhood.

Feminism is a social movement that seeks to promote equality and equity to all genders, and feminists work toward eradicating gender disparities on a macro-level, in addition to challenging gender biases on a micro-level. As feminism became more mainstream, a flat and oversimplified version of feminism emerged: mainstream feminism. The mainstream feminist movement is meant to represent all women, but rarely does it center conversations around issues that concern most women. The problem with mainstream feminism is that it’s just a popularized version of white feminism. White feminism has relied extensively on an individualized understanding of women’s oppression, exclusively from the lens of privileged white women. White feminism only focuses on the oppression experienced by white, able-bodied, affluent, educated, cishet women; and it views gender as the key mode of privileged white women’s oppression, isolated from the privileges granted by their other social identities. White women can be and are oppressed under the patriarchy but only because they are women; their identity as women does not exempt them from the privileges granted by their whiteness. The term white feminist does not mean any feminist who is white, but refers to feminists who prioritize the concerns of privileged white women as though they are representative of all women. However, the term is not exclusive to white people. Because white feminism is so pervasive, people of other racial and ethnic backgrounds often buy into white feminism, believing that if they work hard enough, they may be able to reap its rewards.

Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism only recognizes the identity of being a woman, assumes that all women share common experiences of gender oppression, fails to address other social identities in relation to overlapping systems of oppression, and disregards privilege in relation to various social identities. Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism is palatable because it doesn’t seek to challenge the systems in place, instead its goal is to succeed within them. Essentially, mainstream feminism and white feminism are extensions of performative feminism. Performative feminism is a type of performative activism that’s used to describe feminist views that are surface level and solely for the benefit of one type of person. It’s a pretense which often has nothing to do with genuine activism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom normalize and promote performative feminism because the topic of feminism is only referenced when discussing Elain. This indicates that these arguments are engaging in disingenuous discourse to push a personal agenda within the ACOTAR fandom, and it becomes more apparent when they use white feminist tactics to shut down opposing viewpoints:

White feminists weaponize and exploit feminist language to silence the opinions of other women, especially when they’re called out for their problematic behaviors

White feminists use the phrase “Women supporting women” to defend other white feminists who exhibit problematic behaviors instead of holding them accountable 

White feminists weaponize phrases like “Women supporting women” and “You just hate women” to attack other women who disagree with them on any given topic

White feminists use phrases like “All women face challenges” and “Stop pitting women against each other” to sidestep conversations about privilege

White feminists divert conversations away from privilege and towards the Trauma Olympics to equate their struggles to the oppression of marginalized people 

White feminists skirt around the realities of other forms of oppression and discrimination, downplaying the experiences of marginalized people

White feminists diminish or ignore the ways in which gender oppression affects other marginalized people

White feminists paint those they harmed as aggressive, mean, or divisive when confronted with the ways they have harmed a marginalized group

White feminists deflect criticism by focusing on the anger or emotions being expressed rather than the issue that is being discussed, invalidating the concerns of marginalized people

White feminists speak over marginalized voices in an attempt to sound “woke”

White feminists get defensive and insist there’s no way they could be a part of the problem because of what they’ve done to help marginalized groups already 

White feminists say they don’t see color in an attempt to obscure racial issues that need to be addressed

White feminists center and victimize themselves in conversations about racism, which derails necessary conversations from taking place

White feminists who are white weaponize the intersectionality of their race and gender to avoid accountability

Feminism is not meant to be approached from an individualistic perspective nor is it only about addressing the experiences of privileged white women, it involves addressing the intersections of race, class, gender, sexuality, (dis)ability, and other social identities as well; and it involves addressing how these social identities relate to privilege. Moreover, feminism is not about women upholding complete loyalty to other women because of a shared gender identity, and to claim that it does implies that women should be held to different emotional standards than men. If men are able to dislike and criticize other individual men, real or fictional, without their characters being compromised, why aren’t women granted that same privilege?

It’s clear that SJM set up the ACOTAR world to mirror a patriarchal society, and that the imbalance of power between males and females stems from sexism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom analyze the ACOTAR world through a feminist lens to show how ACOTAR’s patriarchal society, to which the mating bond is innately tied, contributes to female oppression and limits their agency. When choice and free will are emphasized as part of Elain’s arc, they imply that Elain, through the mating bond, experiences female oppression under ACOTAR’s patriarchal society because of her identity as a female with that identity being the focal point of her oppression in the world. Elain is one of the most privileged characters in the ACOTAR world: she’s High Fae; she’s the sister of the High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court, which gives her access to wealth and political influence because of that connection; she’s able-bodied; she was magically blessed by the Cauldron; and she lives in Velaris, a place that grants females autonomy and power because of the beliefs of Rhysand and Feyre. Arguments in the Elriel fandom trivialize female oppression in the ACOTAR world because they disregard the fact that Elain’s privileges prevent her from experiencing female oppression in the same way that other marginalized females in the world do. The mating bond being one such example because those around Elain are not forcing the bond on her, instead they’re allowing Elain to reach a decision about the bond for herself; a privilege that other marginalized females in the world probably wouldn’t have. Just because Elain has endured hardships in her life and is a female in a patriarchal society, they do not erase the privileges she holds within the ACOTAR world. The failure to include Elain’s privileges in discussions about Elain being a female in a patriarchal society feeds into white feminist ideologies because white feminism operates from a very narrow perspective; it doesn’t take other intersecting identities into account when it examines gender oppression, leaving no room for discussions about privilege (or lack thereof) in relation to those intersecting identities. When discussing oppression in hierarchical societies, it’s imperative that privilege is also included in the conversation because privilege and oppression are not mutually exclusive; they equally affect the ways in which people navigate those societies through their social identities.

Rather than attributing Elain’s uncomfortability to her new life as a Fae female or the mating bond itself and her trauma to the Cauldron, the King of Hybern, or Ianthe, they’re placed on Lucien to cast his character in a negative light. Moreover, fandom discussions portray Lucien as a possessive character to further emphasize Elain’s discomfort despite the inaccuracy of this characterization in canon. Arguments in the Elriel fandom play into racial biases when it comes to Lucien (a male character of color) because they mischaracterize his character in order to victimize Elain (a white female character), placing her character in the role of the white damsel in distress. In Western society, the concept of womanhood has been conceptualized from a Eurocentric perspective with femininity and feminine attributes favoring white women. It’s the idea that a certain type of femininity is only inherent to white women as they are seen as the embodiment of an ideal womanhood. White womanhood has been a symbol of innocence and purity, and white women have been viewed as fragile beings in need of protection. The reason white womanhood functions within white supremacy is because it’s the same idea that has motivated white men to kill and beat black and brown men. The so-called protection of white women has been used as a justification for the horrific violence committed by white men because black and brown men were stereotyped as aggressive and seen as a threat to the virtue of white women. The white damsel in distress trope considered white women as worthy of protection because of their perceived innocence and purity; women of color were not granted that same treatment because they did not fit into the ideal image of womanhood. Over the years, this trope became a means for white women to exercise limited power in a patriarchal society with white women weaponizing their status as the damsel much to the detriment of black and brown men. It’s through the white damsel in distress trope that white supremacy sustains its dominance in Western society. The misrepresentation of characters of color in fandom, the dismissal of their importance to the overall story, and using them as tools in arguments centered around white characters are the foundation of fandom racism; they’re examples of how racism moves silently in fandom spaces. Instead of examining their behavior and taking constructive criticism from fans of color, white fans will often double down on their bigotry and center their uncomfortability in the conversation when confronted with their complicity in fandom racism. White fans expect fans of color to swallow fandom racism in its many forms in order to not ruin the experience of fandom, dismissing the fact that racism is prevalent in nearly every aspect of society. This mentality ensures that no one is held accountable for the harm they caused and alienates fans of color in fandom spaces.

To reiterate what I mentioned in my first think piece: terms like “oppression”, “the right to choose”, “feminist”, “feminism”, “anti-feminist”, “anti-feminism”, “internalized misogyny”, “misogyny”, “misogynist”, “sexist”, “sexism”, “racist”, “racism”, “classist”, “classism”, “discrimination”, and “patriarchy” are all used in specific ways to draw attention to the plight of marginalized people and challenge those who deny the existence of systems of oppression. Yet these words and their meanings can be twisted to attack, exclude, and invalidate people with differing opinions on any given topic. When social justice and feminist terms are thrown around antagonistically and carelessly to push a personal agenda, it becomes clear that these terms are being used to engage in disingenuous discourse and pursue personal validation rather than being used out of any deep-seated conviction to dismantle systemic oppression. Being an ally, activist, or feminist is not an identity, it’s a practice. It requires: ongoing self-reflection; holding ourselves accountable; listening to marginalized people; educating ourselves; dismantling implicit biases; challenging those around us who are exhibiting problematic behaviors; and action behind our words.

It’s important to be aware of the language that is used within the fandom when defending or critiquing characters and ships. It’s also important to question how an argument is framed and why it’s framed the way that it is to critically examine the intent behind that argument: is it used as a tool to push a personal agenda that reinforces problematic behaviors, or is it used as an opportunity to share, learn, enlighten, and educate?

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Tagging: @spell-cleavers @bookofmirth @m0bulidae @ilya-boltagon

[wolf-queer-discourse]

Adventures in Aphobia #1

So I was scrolling through Tumblr the other day (a regrettable mistake as always), and I had the great pleasure of seeing this joyous post.

*deep breath*

Not gonna lie, posts like this make me real pissed. Pissed because the person who posted this exists in a space where they feel comfortable enough to post this online. Pissed because these posts are so common and often face little backlash. And pissed because there’s nothing better than allosexuals condescendingly explaining to asexual people why they’re dirty attention whores who invent their own oppression. Ace people deserve to be defended against this horseshit. Young people see these posts, and it’s extremely damaging to have your identity be nothing more than fuel for people in discourse to mock you and demand you bled in order for them to notice your pain.

Anger aside, many people do not see why this post is wrong, so why is it? Let’s unpack this clusterfuck of bigotry:

“would love to see substantive evidence of systematic “aphobia” that isn’t actually just misogyny, toxic masculinity, or rpe culture.”

God damn, we are not mincing our words here XD. A few things: systematic in bold, which tells you if you do not make a blood sacrifice on the altar of queer pain you will not be taken seriously. Potential nitpick, but systemic and systematic are not the same thing. I believe systemic is the word they’re looking for. Systematic implies a lot more intentionality that can be hard to prove. Systemic merely means that systems, in their current state, do aphobic things, which they absolutely do.

“Aphobia” in quotes is absolutely rich. Not only will this person refuse to acknowledge systemic aphobia, which is only one type, but this poster casts clear doubt upon the mere concept of aphobia in and of itself. We love to see it.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The statement, as clearly condescending as intended, is sort of correct, though it doesn’t mean a whole lot. Systemic oppression is about the systems in a society (government, healthcare, etc) discriminating against people. Systemic oppression is not bigotry faced on a person-to-person level. In short, systematic oppression is something a person experiences in their overall life, while personal discrimination is experienced on a personal level by people who are not singularly in control of the systems. This post boils down the negative comments ace people face into being called “weird”, which is an understatement for sure, but calling a gay person weird isn’t systemic oppression either.

It’s still bad and discriminatory.

This is such a snotty way to dismiss aphobia as some mere, insignificant comment with no meaning as if it doesn’t reinforce society’s painful aphobic views in the same way casual homophobic comments reinforce heteronormativity and society’s hostility toward gay people.

Ace people face discrimination in healthcare, most notably, which is systemic discrimination, but the systemic discrimination of asexuals really ought to be its own post if I’m to nosedive into it. Even if ace people faced no systemic discrimination, it wouldn’t make this point anymore correct. Discrimination is a perfectly valid reason to feel disregarded by society, and often only ace people are denied the right to feel this way and are instead gaslit into admitting what they face is no big deal and they’re just making it up for attention.

The experience of being pressured to have sex when you’re allo vs ace is very different. The vast majority of allo people do not plan to be celibate their whole lives. Many ace people do not want to have sex, ever. “Waiting for sex” in much of western society and in Christianity is seen as pure and honorable. Yet being asexual and never wanting sex is seen as a deviant disorder and people are accused of robbing their partner of sex forever.

There’s really a specific flavor of sexual pressure that is unique to ace people. Sex being to “fix” someone or because they “just need to try it”.

In this respect, aphobic sexual pressure is better compared to that faced by gay people and lesbians. Lesbians especially often can face this same struggle, men pressuring them to have sex because they think lesbians just need to “try it” or to “fix them”. I can imagine this poster would have no issue acknowledging lesbophobia being the root of lesbians coerced into sex with men, yet she does not give ace people the same.

Imagine if someone said (and knowing our fucked world, someone probably has): “Lesbophobia doesn’t exist. It’s just misogyny. Straight women are coerced into sex too!”

It’d be pathetic bullshit. Toxic masculinity, misogyny and many other issues can all tangle into combined messes with other forms of bigotry. Lesbophobia is an experience that deserves to be recognized apart from misogyny, even if the two are linked. Please stop erasing ace people’s experiences with this when it’s not the same thing.

Honestly, though, this post, as trashy as it is, if anything, is perhaps, really asking: Is there any type of aphobic experience that’s inherently exclusive to ace people?

I still wager to go say, yes, yes there is, but I must make an important point first:

Most experiences of queer discrimination are not limited to queer people.

Homophobia and transphobia are both experienced by cishets in certain instances. Feminine straight men can be victims of homophobic harassment. This does not disprove the fact that it’s homophobia just because a straight man is the victim of it. A tall cis woman with broad shoulders and a lower voice may be the victim of transphobic remarks or comments. The basis of these comments is rooted in transphobia, however, so the fact that the victim is cis does not erase the transphobia.

People who argue that experiences ace people complain about can be experienced by allosexuals are not poking a legitimate hole in doing this. Certain experiences related to aphobia can and are experienced by allosexuals. If you do not acknowledge this, then homophobia and transphobia aren’t real because cishet people have sometimes experienced them.

Despite cishets sometimes experiencing queerphobia, most of us acknowledge that their experience of that bigotry, however unfortunate, is not the same as that experienced by actual queer people. It’d be quite homophobic for a feminine straight man to claim he knew just as much about the gay experience as an actual gay man. Similarly, when allosexual people relate experiences that were rooted in aphobia, it’s overstepping a line when they claim asexual discrimination isn’t real because they experienced elements of it too.

Cishet (cishet including allosexuals) people do not experience their doctors telling them their sexuality might be a disorder or caused by trauma. Allo queer people can experience this with their sexualities too.

“using sex appeal to sell products is misogyny, it is not engineered to gross sex-repulsed people, it is meant to objectify women.”

This is a strawman thinner than my last nerve. Uh, what? What ace people are you seeing that literally think sex appeal was engineered to gross-out sex-repulsed people?? I don’t think this is a core argument??

Yes, sex-repulsed ace people sometimes complain about sex appeal in media being uncomfortable. But that’s it. Every time an ace person shares a discomfort of theirs doesn’t mean it’s the entire basis of their oppression. For the love of God, let ace people discuss their experiences without being blow-torched over not being oppressed enough with an individual discomfort. 

BONUS ROUND

(This was in the tags)

“Completely vilifies celibate individuals” 

...no…? What…? Huh…? 

The most charitable interpretation of this vague accusation is that the poster means celibate people face aphobia as well, due to not wanting to have sex. I have no idea how this “vilifies” anyone, but that aside, as said before: people who are not queer can face aphobia. Also worth noting that society treats celibate people way better than ace people, which is really another example of aphobia. Celibate people can be told they’re missing out (which could be at very least related to aphobic ideals), but they’re rarely called broken. Celibacy is seen more as a respected, controlled ideal in allo people, but when ace people want to do it, they’re just mentally ill.

Anyway, the post was aphobic trash, and it needs to be debunked more often. Mocking ace people online is not a good look anymore, guys. Don't be ugly.

[imdreaminadream]

The results pt 2 ~ what about it makes you cringe?” Category 3

( - prologue.   - part 1  - category 1  - category 2 )

Okay so this is the results to the question in the quiz, What about it makes you cringe. In reference to the questionnaires core subject about smut fanfics.

Also quick psa there will be a part for the results for the other question -  “In kpop fics, Korean words i.e. jagiya, seem to be a no no, would you like to elaborate why?”

Now note these particular results are going to be split into 3 posts because I decided to split the results into 3 categories. 1 - Writing Aspects. 2 -  Personal Preferences. 3 - Genuine Problems.   >This post is category 3<

TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR MENTIONS OF - rape, minors engaging in sex, child pornography, childhood trauma, unsafe bdsm/kinky sex, misogyny?, toxic masculinity? anything else that needs to be tagged message me so I can add them.

DISCLAIMER BELOW. (please read that before continuing)

This is going to be a long post. The responses were very enlightening but please don’t take this as an attack. Consider this more as constructive cheat sheet to good smut writing or just ignore it if you don’t agree with it. Some of this did a bit deep apricate trigger warnings will be put on the appropriate posts but I’m not sorry it got deep fics can also affect real life as much as we wish it were something that didn’t mix in with real life, it does. I’m no official like sex guru or big-time writer, or what ever BUT I did add little advice underneath each answer, which are just a reflection of the people’s answers. Again if you don’t like the sounds of this don’t take it personal and click off.

Genuine problems

Rape territory - There was a common theme of people commenting about what is essentially edging into rape territory. This was talked about with both sexes, where one expresses, they’re not in the mood but the other just continues to make advances on them until they end up having sex. Everyone who spoke about it mentioned it comes across as coercive or forceful (which would be dubious consent, but I personally know how no one tags it as that because they don’t realize.) something that makes them immediately stop reading and knocks an author’s credit in their eyes. When a character is crying as though they’re not enjoying it, but the sex doesn’t stop and there is not safe word that is used.

No advice for this just use common sense.

Lack of tags which indicate trigger/content warnings - This only came up a handful of times but considering its importance I added it in here to talk about. The comments about it were straight forward as is the topic. Some authors aren’t tagging their work appropriately and it’s actually quite dangerous. You tag your work for a reason to let people know what is involved in it before they read, tagging everything is crucial. If something isn’t tagged you risk the reader, at the very least, the reading but then feeling discontent because it had something in they don’t like to read. Then at the worst you risk people’s mental health, you risk them having panic attacks, anxiety attacks because their trigger was in your fic but they didn’t know because it wasn’t tagged for them to see and know not to read because it could trigger them.

Advice for this is to bold things which you know for sure are sensitive topics, and make sure to tag everything in your damn fucking tag section. You risk people having panic attacks when you don’t tag your work right and they read your work only to find out it has their trigger included in it being blindsided because after reading your shitty tags they didn’t know but you put it in there. Also please don’t just tag smut, tag everything included in that smut because something works are tagged smut and then next thing you know person b is being choked, clothes cut by a knife, restrained with rope, told they’re a slut/whore.

They’re a minor - This also only came up a handful of times, not because people don’t care but probably because they don’t commonly come across it enough however this is incredibly important topic even outside of what about smut makes you cringe. This shouldn’t be a problem, as in it shouldn’t be happening as the people who commented, me and all of you know. They’re a minor, under 18, they’re technically still considered child in the law’s eyes anything sexual about them, like writing smut about them would be considered child pornography. “Things that persons under 18 are prohibited from doing - being depicted in pornographic materials.” No one even cares about “but I’m the same age as them uwu.” It still doesn’t make it right so don’t try and use excuses. Also, the minute a person turns 18 if your first thought is oh, I can write smut about them or request someone to write it for me please just leave that’s like preying on them as though you counted down till they were 18 and now the only value you see in them is for sex.

Mine and everyone else’s advice DON’T FUCKING DO IT.

Also, to note I don’t know what the official rules are for age swapping so like writing an adult person as a minor and depicting them in smut materials, to cope with your trauma, would anyone be open to talking to me about it, like educating me? There has just been this sudden wave more fics being, it’s okay to write adult that I made a child in my fic engaging in sexual content because it helps me cope with my trauma. It just seems everyone’s started saying that and I don’t know how many are being genuine or using it as an excuse or gone with the flow treated it like a trend. Not to be rude just genuinely how legit is this? How many people who write it have genuinely experienced that trauma? P.s if you have experienced that trauma, I am genuinely so sorry and know I am not disrespecting or invalidating your trauma I promise.

Female Characters/misogyny? - Now what this means is everyone expressed how they hate the constant portrayal that it only takes seconds for a female to reach an orgasm and she already wet to go like some kind of tap. They also highlighted a big problem with constantly painting the female as this innocent, dainty, dumb, naïve, shy, small, little girl. Women have brains too; women can give as good as they get and aren’t these shy naïve little playthings. All women have different personalities, the stereotypes about women in fics I’ve seen through the answers, and myself in fics, to my questionnaire is upsetting everyone. And you can see why, is it not bad enough we are subjected to misogyny and stereotyped in real life but now we have to see it in fics too. It genuinely does make people stop reading, it makes them cringe as the answers have suggested. One person mentioned this in their response, and I feel it should also be included, “y/n is absolutely okay with everything being done to her.” This isn’t something we should ever hear. This category feels like the right category to mention it so just consider their words, consider why that makes them cringe at smut writing that includes that.

To everyone the advice is a no brainer when you look at the responses. Make sure that the female character is actually getting turned on like into the mood before even thinking about mentioning that she is wet. And consider that a lot of statistics and personal experiences of other women stating it’s not all that easy to orgasm during sex, and not typical for her to come before the male, so make it sound like it’s worth the female characters while not that they do it for 3 minutes and suddenly she is coming.

Please also STOP with the constant bullshit of stereotyping of women as exampled above. If you like to feel small or submissive or whatever in the bedroom and you express that in your fics I get you but that does not mean you have to portray the female character as dumb, naïve, small, weak like for the love of god spice it up a bit, make her powerful, clever, with personality etc.… being in charge of her own body, knowing about her body, and what she wants and how to get it.

Btw no one is saying it’s not okay to be shy and that before you come in here like “why are you shaming shy, or small girls or dd/lg kink,” it’s not that I can assure you. We’re talking about the stereotype of it that is used to make the women seem more pliable for the man to control essentially not the genuine personalities/kinks people have.

Very passive sub female reader and overly dom male - Now many people spoke how an over macho dom male, and a passive - made out like they’re dumb, submissive female is a dynamic that is making them cringe now. It’s not a dynamic they care for anymore, and I agree with them especially considering the issues it brings about. “ Whenever the female reader is extremely passive and shy/flustered whereas the idol/character is extremely assertive/condescending/dominating/leading everything in comparison.” There is a personal preference to this yes# people acknowledged this, however when talking about this dynamic they further explained the issues with it. Overly passive female has already been touched on but to reiterate the replies insinuated they’re sick of seeing women in fics treated how they are in real life essentially – like some dumb little girl. One person said, “I like when the girl can give as good as she gets, though that’s just my preference.” So, like what has been discussed before this portrayal of females it absolute bullshit and needs to fucking stop being such a constant portrayal. (mind break is different so don’t start)

Then for the male side of things it’s enforcing the stereotype men are macho an alpha male, they don’t have feelings they just think with their dick and have all grr I’m super toxically manly do you ever lift bro, I’m so strong, I get all the bitches, fuck all the girls, the have control over the passive female and not in a consenting way, in an entitled way. Which no, they can have feelings, they can be softer more feminine all whilst still identifying as a man. They can be submissive just as much as a anyone else, they can be a switch or just a dom that isn’t this macho, macho, man. They can be needy, loving, caring, in touch with themselves, their feelings and everything the female character is made out to be, apart from dumb, naïve and weak of course, yano all those negative things any gender and non-gender people want to be associated with. If the guy wants to get railed by the female and be the sub in the dynamic of male x female, then fair enough let it happen there isn’t nothing wrong with it.

All in all, it’s okay for males to be more feminine than masculine and females more masculine than feminine. It’s okay to portray that in fics genuinely. I wouldn’t say I have any advice for this other than the obvious no more macho man and passive females.

Use of Korean words. - If you’re not a Korean person don’t think you’re in the right to argue about this. The Korean people have spoken up and you will listen and respect them. Know this is an important topic, however there will be a separate post for this, so I’ll keep this bit short to then expand on more in the separate post. Just wanted to make you the reader aware that this is an issue.  It’s not okay to be treating noona, unnie and oppa like a kink if you are not Korean, or have Korean heritage. The people who are Korean so kindly explained, it was a normal word for them like just another part of their culture until bad egg kpop fans got their hands on it and they have now sexualized it to the point where some Korean people do not feel comfortable to even use it without thinking of the sexual connotation it has now been given. 

Now like I said I will talk further about that and more, to do with the use of Korean words in fics, in another post, I don’t already have that post drafted so it might take a while to get out and post. However in that time I’m gladly open to hearing more people who are Korean and have Korean heritage, views on this. Or if you too have experience with a word from your language having been taken from being an innocent word to now having a sexual connotation as well because of people not from your country/culture having given it that sexual meaning. It could be helpful to further emphasis the point about the Korean words but also show overall no matter the language/country that it’s making the people of that country/culture uncomfortable. 

Also I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m trying to speak over Koreans. If anything i want to be helpful more than a hinderance. This was something that was spoken about on the questionnaire so I’m just writing what the Korean people have expressed about it in the questionnaire. I want to be able to give their voices from the questionnaire a platform and shed light on this situation, with them.

Also can I ask if gender is a factor in this as well? I’ve seen on tiktok where some Korean guys like being called oppa but I’m not sure if that's in a respectful light or a sexual light, if they were being sarcastic for the Korea-boos or? but i have never seen women say they like being called noona in a way that comes across as a turn on? So can anyone comment on that? send me anons pls.

Too much degradation - Of course everyone who has mentioned this has said it is quite a personal preference thing, the acknowledge that it’s a kink not for everyone. Although on the flip side them relentlessly mentioning it give the feel that it’s becoming more of a problem and less of it’s okay it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. You see they exampled “bitch, slut, whore.” It’s so commonly used, and they even said how they’re finding it not tagged majority of the time, so seeing that surprisingly in the fics constantly it makes them cringe but it’s not a type of thing one can get over it’s apparent it’s becoming a slight problem. It begs the question how much degradation is too much, why is it constantly being used in fics? Does everyone love labeling the female y/n a bitch, whore, slut? Why is the male y/n never called a slut as much as female y/n? Do females have more of a degradation kink than men?

I can’t think of any advice to give based on the feedback, apart from obviously add it to your tags that there is a lot of degradation but it there is anything anyone else wants to add on this topic feel free to re-blog with your take or send me anons.

Describing features on a y/n fic - A few people have mentioned this, and I categorized it as a problem because well it is because not only does it make them cringe in smut fics but also in normal fics and poc feel oppressed in yet another way. When it’s written as y/n it’s supposed to allow the reader to insert themselves into the fic to imagine themselves in there, yet it’s not always done like that. As one of the responses said, it seems authors like that tend to project themselves or their ideal selves onto y/n physical feature wise. More often than not as the responses have indicated y/n is portrayed as cis female, white, blonde, blue eyes, other physical traits such as breast size, dick size body type, height and hair length are portrayed too, which pulls the readers out of imagining because they’re being told they have features they don’t. It’s especially bad for poc because their race never gets portrayed in fics, so it gives the message white race is the most favorable and we already know how racist the world is no need to bring it into fics either unknowingly or purposely.

Moral of the story, stop racism, end it. Go educate yourself.

Moral of the story, in regard to fics, well don’t describe y/n thoroughly. Instead leave it as vague as possible, I mean it’s not even needed to know what eye colour y/n has when they’re in the middle of getting railed.

Quick intermission to just say make sure you tag what gender and pronouns y/n has for your fic, so people are fully aware what y/n they’re getting in this fic.

Nor do we need to know what skin colour they have, it can easily be mentioned that a character is touching y/n’s body without saying they have milky skin indicating they’re white. It is very possible to not give y/n a race. Also, height, keep height out of it don’t describe it because not everyone is 5’2. (hello yes, I’m 5’10 so imagine me reading character a of height 5’8 towering over me, I mean maybe if they wear heels yes but otherwise no.) Similarly, don’t ever describe body types, you can say an outfit flatters a person’s figure without describing it, people can have sex without their body being specifically described i.e., slim figure, toned shapely legs. Please understand that by not describing y/n you’re helping to contribute to racism, and these wacky beauty standards that are already being forced onto us in the real world never mind the fictional world. 

Lack of safe word - Following on from kinks not being portrayed correctly there is the issue of lack of safe word. Now this is something that again didn’t come up quite a lot but that doesn’t mean it’s not an issue. Some are writing fics where one of the people involved, are being railed to high hell and it’s kinky as fuck or you’re writing a BDSM specific fic. Which is okay we are not judging or shaming but it’s concerning how with all this type of sex being had there is no even slight mention of the pairing having a safe word which is has the name would imply really important. It is there to keep the people participating in this kinky sex safe, without that it’s really harmful. Now if you think oh but writing in the discussion of safe words is really unsexy, especially when I’m just trying to make the characters fuck really kinky, then please go educate yourself. Safe words are incredibly sexy when you know it means you get to have bomb ass kinky sex but know that you can also have boundaries that should and will be respected, and a word or system i.e. traffic light system, to pause or stop when ever you need to in order to keep the kinky sexy safe.

The obvious advice is to incorporate consent and knowledge of safe word in your fic. It can be as simple as writing that the characters stop a minute for person a saying to person b you know your safe word. And then writing a small mini paragraph of person b feeling even more in love and/or turned on because their boundaries are being respected. Then you just carry on with writing the smut. You can imply easily that they have a safe word, that it’s been discussed, therefore they’re gong to be safe, respected and made to feel good.

Also, I know there are some people out there who are, a bit unsure on writing a fic in which one person uses their safe word. This is your friendly supportive message to just do it, don’t be afraid of what others think, do it for you it’s something great to write. There are many different ways you can go with it, so you do it if you want to 😊.

Honorable mentions of things that make the people cringe.

(Not a problem just as we are at the end of this category I figured I’d put honorable mentions. disclaimer again, these are other people’s comments from the questionnaire. You are entitled not to agree with them however do not attack me as some have been doing.)

fetishize people’s gender or race/ethnicity

uneducated use of other cultures to make it look authentic

Use of the word plum when they mean plump. One’s a fruit/colour, the other means having a full rounded shape.

PICK ME Y/N (we all know the type)

Stereotypes of all kinds. Of people, phrases, troupes etc.….

Written in a way it sounds monotone. i.e., “He did this, he did that, I did this.”

 When all y/n does during a smut scene is whine. There are other synonyms people.                                                                               

infantilization of y/n. stop making me feel like the person who the fic is about, is a nonce.                                                                                      

y/n is constantly oh so innocent. Like they can be a virgin don’t get it wrong. BUT we all know 9 times out of 10 y/n reads fanfic so they ain’t innocent.· 

no refractory period. 

try hard humour in the middle of smut.

terrible euphemisms

proper unrealistic dick sizes

adding in smut into a plot where it doesn’t fit

try hard

more to come potentially?       

END OF CATERGORY 3

(Feel free to discuss in comments, in my messages or send anons or anything like that if you want.)

@nctsworld  @lauraneuuh @jooniyah  

 Tag list:

@ceoofxiaojun @lovemayble  @myelle-n

(@smutwritingpolice) (@smutwhy)

[foreverformula1]

Lewis Hamilton is looking so stressed out in the latest races, I get that he’s focused,determined and preoccupied that Verstappen will win the World Championship, being preoccupied is actually a good thing because it means that he cares but I have been noticing this “sad” look in him after races and listening to his frustration in his Driver radios and anxiety (he’s more and more asking how close Verstappen is,how many seconds,how he has to improve,literally everything about the opponent and him).

I can just feel the amount of pressure he has lately and I fear that he will decide to leave the sport in about 3 years because of all the unnecessary hate he gets and feel non accepted and “outdated” by Verstappen and Russel also because of his age; that he’ll put many of the words by haters in his head.

Let’s not forget that just because he shows himself so brave and bold, and often speaks up about the mistreatment in general(usually by the racists,not much in general) it doesn’t mean that these things don’t affect him mentally and that he doesn’t overthinks those. That just because he has millions of fans,he feels like he doesn’t have almost any hater, that his money and wins make him completely forget the rude comments and the trophies make him forget the discreditation by the F1 fans when talking about his achievements.

I obviously hope that I am very wrong and that he’s not excessively preoccupied but I just wanted to express my thoughts and hope to bring a bit of awareness to all F1 fans over Tumblr who put down any driver’s objective career achievements because of any reason,no matter how much we like them off track (and in track too) , if we are talking racing abilities,than don’t talk about their behaviors.

You are totally allowed to dislike any driver and explain why or what of their actions are wrong in your opinion or for your morals ,just don’t constantly bring them down or exaggerate things, it usually shows that you most probably are fishing for something about them to hate about. If you can’t explain objectively the reason or have double standards ,than maybe you should avoid commenting about them until you reflect about the events that made you dislike them so much and saw how this feels dove from them vs any other driver in case of internalized racism,misogyny,toxic masculinity and more.

I hope that if he leaves,it will 200% be because of personal choice and not even 1% because the hate or competition pushed him to do it.

I know that not every single Lewis Hamilton hater is racist, some simply don’t vibe with him and his racing and admit it, others don’t fancy some of the things he has done,just don’t discredit his racing,aggravate his loses and such.

Same words for all the other drivers,past ,current and future. As far as I know there are actually multiple drivers who have been going trough similar hate in the sport. Respect is not optional.

[qqueenofhades]

The photo set you reblogged of Yusuf and Niccolo helping throughout time just filled me with so many happy feels and it made me realize that it seems so common in media with immortal couples that they take breaks from each other and reconnect after a few decades. Which is a great trope but seeing these two that seems to have been attached at the hip since the day they met just fills me with all the heart eyes.

(I haven't read your fanfics for them yet. I know I'm a bad fan but if it helps I havent been able to read anything since all this started but while writing this ask I got the feeling that all this rambling I spewed out is a big theme)

Hush. Bad fan nothing. We all are coping with this stupid, awful year in different ways, some of us by escaping into fandom and some of us being unable to engage with it and some of us doing both or anything else. You certainly don’t owe me or anyone any obligation to interact with our content, fic or otherwise. So just to have that there on the top. You’re good, hun. :)

ANYWAY, thank you for giving me a chance to meta a bit on the boys and their relationship and to have a window into what my brain looks like pretty much 24/7 these days. (I blame them.) I keep thinking about all the ways this couple is depicted in the TOG film and how lovely it was and how unusual it is for me to have an OTP where I actually love them in canon and don’t need to violently disavow it in order to create AU fan content with just the characters. (See: Timeless, Game of Thrones, pretty much any show I’ve hyperfixated on at some point.) I love AUs anyway, because that’s the way my brain works, but the fact that I can also enjoy canon just as much is rare for me and for a lot of us. I saw a post somewhere remarking on how the fanfic for Joe/Nicky isn’t fixing anything, which is usually the point of transformative fanworks: we take something that canon atrociously fucked up and fix it. But in this case, all our interpretations are based on actually appreciating the way they’re presented in canon and wanting to enjoy that and uphold it, and that -- especially with a couple like this one -- is shocking??

Like. Despite my historian gripes about the occasionally incongruous details for their graphic-novel backstories (which are the only things I HAVE fixed in my fics), I’m just... deeply appreciative of the care which everyone, writers and actors and all else, put into depicting Joe and Nicky and their relationship. And god YES, one of the things I love the absolute MOST is that they’re a loving, faithful, committed, happy married queer couple over centuries, and that seems to be the case for as long as they’ve known each other/ever since they got together. (See Booker’s “you and Nicky always had each other.”) These fools can’t sleep apart from each other even when they’re stuck on a freight train in the middle of nowhere, they flirt like teenagers at dinnertime and even when they’re strapped to gurneys in a mad-scientist laboratory, they make out to enrage bad guys and also because they’re just still that goddamn into each other after all this time.

I think it was Marwan Kenzari who pointed out that there’s simply no way to truly state the depth of their knowledge and devotion and commitment to each other. They’re 950 years old. They have known each other since they were in their thirties; they’ve been husbands for literal centuries. There is no way anyone else in the world could possibly come close to replicating the kind of bond they have with each other, and neither of them have ever had any inclination to look, because why would they? Especially with the fact that queer couples in media, even otherwise sympathetically portrayed ones, often have Drama and Third Parties and Promiscuity and whatever else (because of the tiresome old canard that Gays Equal Hypersexualized!), and Joe and Nicky don’t need or want ANY of that. There’s no urge to make their relationship a cheap source of soap-opera conflict. It’s the rock and the center and the core of both of their lives, and everything they do stems from that.

There have been some great metas/comments on how neither Joe and Nicky are sexualized, they dress like stay-at-home dads during quarantine (Marwan Kenzari and Luca Marinelli are both objectively gorgeous men, and they’re out there looking like that, god bless), and the viewer is never invited to goggle at or fetishize their relationship. There are no leering or exploitative camera angles on anyone, and their expressions of love aren’t posed or intended to titillate the audience, they’re just solidly embodied and natural and lived in. It’s never bothered to be stated clunkily in dialogue that they’re a couple; we just see them exchanging looks and smiles in the early part of the film, and then we see them spooning on the train after the mission in Sudan, which confirms it.

At every turn, the narrative celebrates the kindness and love shared by the Immortal Family, the individual characters, and Joe and Nicky, especially and explicitly in queer form. The villains of the film are also defined by how they react negatively to that love. @viridianpanther​ had a great meta on how Keane as a villain is especially set up to menace Joe and Nicky as the narrative representation of toxic masculinity, aggressive heterosexuality, and the usual “Kill Your Gays” trope that we’ve all come to wearily expect. But instead, after that scene where Joe and Nicky fight Keane, Nicky is shot and comes back to life in Joe’s arms rather than dying permanently like we probably all momentarily expected, and then Joe gets to FUCKIN’ BREAK THE NECK of the guy who enacted that violence.... good GOD. The first time I watched it, I almost couldn’t believe it was happening. (This goes for the whole film, but especially that scene.) Like... when do we get that?? When do we EVER get that???

Obviously, there are so many stereotypes, whether visually or in behavior or character traits, that could have been assigned to a gay Italian character (excessively dramatic, effeminate, fashionable, etc) or a gay Arabic/Muslim character (explicitly announcing He’s Not Like Those Muslims, having to actively reject his heritage to make him more palatable to westerners, being tormented over being gay, etc) and Joe and Nicky subscribe to none of those. I get very emotional about Joe referring to Nicky as the moon when he is lost during the truck scene partly because it’s SUCH a common motif in Arabic love poetry. To call someone your “moon” is a beautiful way to say they’re the light of your life, and since the Islamic calendar is obviously lunar and the holidays, months, and observances, are set by the phases of the moon, this also has a deeper religious significance.

I don’t know for sure if they did that on purpose, but it it’s a lovely and subtle way of showing us how Joe clearly doesn’t have an issue with being both queer AND Muslim, and is able to draw on both facets of that identity in a way that a lesser narrative would have denied him. And that is just really wonderful. Yes, we’re seeing these characters when they’ve had centuries to settle into themselves, but there are plenty of writers who would have forced those conflicts artificially to the surface, rather than letting them be long in the past. It’s the same way when you watch a film set in the medieval era, it wants you to know that it Is Set In The Medieval Era. Cue the filth, misogyny, racism, violence, etc! Rather than it being a lived-in reality, it has to be jarringly drawn attention to, and I’m just so glad they didn’t do that with Joe and Nicky. And for them to have met in the crusades and fallen in love??! Come on. That’s just rude. Rude to me, personally.

Anyway, this was a rather long-winded and feelsy way of saying that these characters are constructed, acted, and written organically in such a way that you hate to even THINK of them being separated, and it’s not because they can’t function without each other, but because they are two halves of a whole. We also see that the characters themselves can’t stand being forced apart: Joe’s freakout in the truck scene when Nicky briefly won’t wake up, Nicky making sure to tell Joe that he’s glad he’s awake in the lab, the whole post-Keane fight scene that I talked about above, the way Nicky fights ferociously to get to Joe when Merrick’s stabbing him, etc. For that to be given to the queer couple, where the strength of their love and devotion is reinforced as one of the emotional goals of the story, and for that queer couple to be written in the way that Joe and Nicky are, both individually and as a unit, is just so very rare.

Because yes, there’s plenty of drama and angst and pain in their lives, but there’s none at all in their relationship, and that’s what fans keep telling TV writers the whole time: they WANT to see the couple confront things as a unit, rather than being kept on tenterhooks the whole time and forced to go through manufactured or artificial drama. It would feel especially wrong for Joe and Nicky, who have known and loved each other for 900 years. The fact that their respective actors also put so much care and love into them is very obvious, and makes me feel even luckier that they’re played by people who clearly get them and honor them and know what they’re doing.

Basically: of course Joe and Nicky have been with each other the whole time, and of course we’re all drowning in feelings over it, and I feel very blessed that this ship exists, and I very much need the sequel ASAP. Thanks.

[wehatejulietsimms]

Ok so this is gonna be kinda long but bear with me here.

So Juliet claims that her new persona Lilith Czar (copying off Andy and a flat-out metaphor for Scientology who?) represents female empowerment, but she really doesn't, and there's quite a few reasons for this. 1. She's made a lot of sexist remarks in the past. This includes commenting 'Close your legs sl*t' on a picture of a model sitting with her legs open on an American Apparall Billboard and shaming Miley Cyrus for posting partially-nude pictures and showing her breasts (not only is this sexist, disgusting, and degrading of women, but it's also hypocritical since Juliet herself often sits with her legs open and has posted many shirtless and braless photos). This is completely degrading of women and their choices of what to do with their own bodies. She's sl*t-shamed so many women and it's disgusting. 2. There have been many stories of Juliet being rude to female Black Veil Brides fans who just wanted a photo with/autograph from Andy despite being half his age, showing no romantic intentions, and just being general, innocent fans. 3. She states that Lilith is a sign of female empowerment but doesn't even know Lilith's origin (and clearly did no research on a religion before flat-out appropriating it, but that's for another rant) and- I believe as stated on this blog before- uses the name of a demon who specifically preyed on women- especially pregnant women- and children in Babylonian mythology before growing to be Adam's first and 'evil/demonic' wife. Lilith's role in Christian mythology was feministic, but not originally. 3. Her lyrics. More specifically her song 'King'. First of all, I couldn't even get past the first minute of it cause it sounded so bland and generic, plus it honestly sounds like she just ripped off her own music from a few years ago and her voice was just blegh. And second, the lyrics seem female-empowering, but they're really the opposite. The lines 'If it’s a man’s world/I wanna be king/If it’s a man’s world/Don’t wanna be queen' implies that in a man's world, she wants to be a man, not a woman, because apparently being a woman isn't good enough and you must be masculine to be strong. That is the exact opposite of feminism. In fact, it's the definition of misogyny- portraying femininity as weakness and masculinity as strength and acting like a man's place (or the title of 'king') is superior to a woman's so wanting that instead. And the lines 'Don’t test the switchblade in between my legs' and 'Who’s to say a woman can’t think with her d*ck?' are again implying that she is more like a man than a woman and that a woman must think and act like a man to be strong. Instead of owning her femininity and womanhood and preaching that it is just as strong as manhood, she portrays herself as more masculine and then calls herself as strong. The opposite of feminism, and if that's not the meaning of the lyrics, I have no idea what is cause it's honestly so confusing and I have no idea what she was trying to say. 4. She stands for women supremacy, not feminism. There is a huge difference that Juliet and other toxic femi-nazis can't seem to decipher. 5. She believes that women can get away with things men cannot. Again- women supremacy. Even in the plane incident video, she was screaming about how a 'man can break a woman's ribs but a woman can't slap a man in the face out of self-defense without getting hate' or whatever, but it's the exact opposite, as shown by literally that entire altercation. So, overall, Juliet (and 'Lilith Czar') doesn't stand for female empowerment or feminism, she stands for masculinity empowerment in women and toxic female supremacy. Ok rant over thanks for reading all this ❤️

wow. thank you for sending this in. every point you made is 100% spot on. especially bc [as you touched on in your ask] she benefits from the lack of equality in society when it comes to the plane incident. i hate to be that person but if the roles were reversed and andy hit her he would no longer have a career [& understandably so] but she still kinda does bc a lot people don't take domestic abuse cases seriously when the woman is the one abusing the man.

[theautisticbiatch]

It happens to men too…

Welcome to another episode of “things my autistic brain wants to analyze right when I am trying to get some sleep”.

TW: This post is about sexual abuse and suic!de.

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So, if you spend too much time (like me) on the internet and social media, if you are a feminist (like me), a Me Too and Time’s Up supporter (like me), have first an/ or second hand experience of sexual abuse (like me), or have encountered men (#NotAllMen … But enough of them) in your life, you hve probably heard the privileged gender, while talking about r@pe, that it happens to them too. And they are right, men get r@pe too. And it’s terrible. And we need to talk about it.

The thing is, about 99% of times when a man makes such statement (usually after a woman mentions movements like the ones mentioned above, he is turning into some sort of a competition for the spotlight. He is full of rage and bitter (understandable) and has decided to take it out on women. Like, okay women get r@ped but so do men!

Here is the problem: Nobody ever said the contrary, Chad. Women talking about SA in their own demography DOES NOT deny the fact it happens to men too.

Where does that problem come from? Misogyny, sexism, fragile masculinity…? Probably. But at its core is also a deep misunderstanding of what feminism is. For those men, feminism equals men haters. And while many of us are in fact, tired of men in general, we do not hate men individually. And we do understand that patriarchy and its toxic masculinity takes a toll on men too. Hence us trying to eradicate it. See, men, feminists are not your enemy (your fragile male ego is), we are your ally. So stop thinking we are both at war against each other. Feminists are not after you individually, we are against an outdated, toxic, unfair system that put people in categories depending on their gender, skin colour, sexuality, neurotype… to privilege only part of those said categories. Well mostly one actually: white cishet men. This system is rigged, it is anti-growth, and it puts a toll on everyone, men included.

Don’t believe me? Let’s go back on the main topic: rape, its victims, and their treatment. If a woman gets raped, the first comments you will hear are “what was she wearing?”, “where was she?”, “she is probably lying for attention and/or money” and so on. Why? Because in this patriarchal society, we are taught that women bodies are for the sexual pleasure of men. Men are entitled to women’s bodies. Women are to be submissive. An if they dare to get the courage to speak up about what happened to them, they are quickly shamed and/or blamed for it.

A couple of years go, a talented YouTuber named Lynzy Lab wrote a song called “a scary time” where she talks about sexual abuse common occurrences that women endure at the VERY LEAST once in their life. A man who claimed to acknowledge how right that young woman was, still felt that it was right to make his own version where he talks about he lost the custody of his children to his ex-wife and how unfair that is because, according to him, she is a monster but the judges always favor women in such cases. I won’t get into whether that’s actually true and how, if it was, it might be because hm, patriarchy teaching that women are the ones to raise kids. Not now, that’s another debate, let’s try to stay focused here. Oh, and before I tell you more about that story and my take on it, I should probably say that I do feel sorry this man is not allowed to see his children no more if he is, as he claims to be, the victim (after all, I only have his side of the story and while I do want to believe him, I can hardly be a fair judge in that story). As someone who grew up with a very abusive and toxic mother, if my parents had gotten a divorce while I was a kid, I would have been bitter too to see a judge leaving me in the hands of such evil woman instead of my dad’s.

I do feel his pain and if he is right, I hope he gets the verdict changed. I truly do. But trying to steal a song about the Me Too movement which revealed that WAY too many women endure sexual abuse of all kinds every day to make it about your own story on which no stranger can judge (as again, we only have HIS side of the story, and hardly all the facts) is not the way to go. You’re not helping yourself here, dude. When I told him how this was a perfect example of false equivalences, while showing sympathy for his pain and wishing him the best; another dude came at me with one of the most ignorant/hateful and flabbergasting comments I have ever read on the internet. “STFU b*tch, r@pe is only tough for you for the next 5 minutes after it has occurred, when losing the custody of your child can last an entire life”. As someone, age 30 back then who had only started psychotherapy for PTSD and suic!de attempt over sexual abuse that first started when I was 7-8 years old, I was shaking. My autistic, r@pe survivor brain went into a shutdown. How could someone say something like that? How could someone believe that for a second?? Look, I am not saying a decent, loving parent’s pain over losing the custody of their child after a misjudgment / perfect example of sexism does NOT last in fact, an entire life. But r@pe is not only bad for the next 5 min. You, absolute PoS of a ignorant stranger wants an example that supports your never-once-denied statement that men too, get r@ped? The late lead singer of Linkin Park. He committed suic!de after decades fighting depression over his childhood sexual abuse. Are you gonna call him a lil’ b!tch ?! Well, you can’t anymore as this poor man is dead now.

But this is what I wanted to get at. Men, under the patriarchal regime are not allowed either to show pain, anger, grief… over the sexual abuse they have endured. Because sex, we are told, is for the pleasure of men. You can’t force a man to have sex, obviously he wanted it, as he is born to want it. And if a man insists that it was not consensual, he is mocked by other men. Because? Toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity being something that, I repeat, feminism is trying to eradicate.

R@pe victims are victims, no matter what they have in their pants. They need AND deserve help, comfort, justice. Once again, louder, for the people in the back, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT SET OF GENITALIA THEY HAVE. They are victims in need of assistance. Not shame, not blame.

“But we always hear about women’s stories!” I hear and read all the time. First of all, if by “all the time”, you mean, since the Time’s Up and Me Too movements started, that’s hardly all the time. It is not even a quarter of a second in the History of Humanity. And those movements were created becauuuuse… before that, women were kept silenced by one way or the other (pressure, threats… all the way down to mvrder). And we hear more women stories becauuuuse, it happens much more often to women than it does to men. That’s a fact, not an opinion. That doesn’t make it okay for men to get raped, it doesn’t take away anything from the men who are victims of SA too. By the way, if you Google the Me Too movement, you’ll realize that it wants to help SA victims of ANY gender. See? Not only we never said it doesn’t happen to men too, we want to help them as well!

When SA accusations against one Kevin Spacey came out from men, did you hear women raging “but what about women? It happens to women too!”? No. Instead, we demanded justice and for Spacey to held accountable if recognized guilty(and no woman went “oh those men are probably lying for attention, for money… /but what was he doing in Spacey’s hotel room? / he saw him repeatedly, obviously he wanted it” and one did, we DO NOT claim her).

So why do you men do that to women when if the situations were reversed, men’d be burning with rage (rightfully so)?? Because, for those accustomed to privilege, equality can start feeling like oppression.