#and for some reason now that we're home from the bar and I'm supposed to go to sleep my mind is wandering to elucien

[phoebe-ofthe-cosmos]

i'm spending the weekend in nyc visiting my friend and i just

[sturniholo]

pretty when you cry pt 2 - matt sturniolo

in which matt gets a much needed wake up call

based on this request !

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Enough was enough. You had come to this realization a few days ago. Ever since that night after the bar, you've been ignoring Matt. He's been begging to see you. To come over and fuck you then act like you weren't anything special.

However, this time you actually answered him. He had texted you, saying how much he had missed you and wanted to come over. Little did he know you were going to cut ties with him. Completely.

You've had enough of feeling like an object. Like you were just one of the many girls he could come to when he needed to get off. You were more than that. And you knew deep down Matt wouldn't want you seeing any other guys.

As you awaited his arrival, you paced around the room. You stopped in front of your mirror, taking a good look at yourself. You brushed your hair out of your face as you let out a deep breath. This was going to be a difficult thing to do, but you knew it was the best thing to do. 

A knock on the door thankfully took you out of your thoughts, making sure you were getting any second thoughts about your decision. 

You made your way down the stairs, bracing yourself for how awkward this whole interaction was going to be. You waited a second before opening the door, your hand hesitantly reaching for the handle. Behind the door, Matt stood on your front porch. He was wearing a black tank top and gray sweatpants, which he knew made you go crazy. However, you had to push those thoughts aside and stand up for yourself. 

"Hi, sweetheart," he greeted in a low tone. 

"Hi.' You kept your greeting short, not wanting it to go south before you had the chance to shut down your little situation. You closed the door behind you, making Matt's eyebrows raise in confusion, and took another step towards him. 

"What, did you wanna go back to my place or something?" He smirked at you, trying to get some sort of reaction from you. 

You let out a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore, Matt." You made short eye contact, trying to keep yourself from backing out. 

"What?" You didn't say anything which made his face slightly fall. "We don't have to have sex. We could just watch a movie or something." He shrugged his shoulders, not even sounding remotely interested in just cuddling with you.

"No, Matt, I'm saying," you paused, "I can't continue this." You pointed between the two of you. He looked down at you with his eyes slightly squinted. 

"What did I do wrong?" For some reason you couldn't place it, his tone was off. Like he didn't actually care to hear what he did wrong. Almost as if he was trying to pity himself and turn the whole situation on you. 

"It's just unfair." A deep sigh came from your mouth, making him take a step back. The confusion on his face was now replaced with annoyance. 

"I don't understand." He crossed his arms over his chest, tilting his head at you. "You're the one who keeps coming to see me, yet it's unfair to you?"

His words made you scoff. "Don't even go there, Matt." The two of you stood in silence for a minute, anger beginning to boil in your blood. "I know I'm not the only one, Matt." His mouth slightly gaped, making you scoff. "You were literally talking to a girl the other day after we came home from the bar." 

"What? I can't have other friends? It's not like we're even together," he shot back.

"That's just it, Matt. We're not together, yet you talk to me like we've been devoted to each other for years."

"Well, how was I supposed to talk to you?"

You laughed. He sounded like a complete idiot right now. "That's not the point. And you know damn well if I was talking to anybody else you would lose your shit." He scowled at you, really letting your words sink in. "It's just unfair." 

"You don't know that."

"Trust me, I do." He looked away, knowing deep down you were right, he just didn't want to admit it. "I just can't do this anymore. I'm more than someone you use to get off when you're horny." 

He shuffled back and forth on his feet, trying to think of what to say next. "You know you mean more than that, Y/n." He stepped closer to you, trying to caress your arm. However, you took a step back, brushing him off. 

"Do I, Matt?" When he didn't answer, you confirmed that this was the best thing to do. "Look, I can't just be an object. Not to you or anyone else." You took a deep breath. "So after you leave tonight, don't try to reach out, because I'm not going to answer." 

Although it didn't show on his face, you knew how hard your words hit him. It's as if all of his blood drained from his face, leaving him pale with slightly wide eyes. 

"Okay, okay. I can respect that." 

"Thank you, Matt." 

After what felt like an eternity of awkward silence, Matt spoke. "Well, I wish you the best, sweetheart. Maybe one day I'll see you around?" His tone was hopeful, which made you slightly smile. 

"I can't say." And you were telling the truth. As much as Matt made you feel special, you knew it was an act. However, he was a great guy. He just didn't know how to properly show you that. "Good night, Matt." You headed towards your front door, stepping inside. 

"Good night, Y/n." You watched as he walked off your porch, and headed to his car with his head low in defeat. Although it was an unusual sight to see, it took a big weight off of your shoulders. You were no longer his sweetheart and you couldn't feel better about that.

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a/n: no happy ending this time 😛😛

tags: @chrattstromboli @imwetforyourmom

[crplpunkklavier]

there is something to be said about how i really barely feel disabled anymore once i'm in a truly accessible space. because the space is no longer disabling me.

so, we went to see the @montereybayaquarium for our honeymoon. we didn't make it through the whole aquarium on our first day, so we went twice. on day 1, i came to the ticket desk with my cane and said i'd like to have a wheelchair. on day 2, i didn't bring my cane, and once again requested a wheelchair. there was absolutely no difference in the employees' reactions: i didn't have to ~look disabled~ to be immediately met with a nod, and a wheelchair that 1) was my size and 2) i was able to move myself.

this is going to seem like a list of things that clear a very low bar, and i suppose it is. but i have been to bookfairs that attempted to take my cane from me because they didn't believe me i needed it, as if cane users carry cane prescriptions around with them (NOT A THING.), and who only let up when my friends and i explained to them (not reminded. explained) that what they were doing was illegal. the cologne zoo only has visitor wheelchairs that can be pushed by a companion, not wheeled by the user themselves. the art museum needs me to bring my own. so, you see where i'm coming from.

the aquarium was fully accessible. (at least for me as an ambulatory wheelchair user - i of course can't speak for people with different disabilities.) there was no exhibit i was cut off from by stairs, because all of them either had reasonable ramps (not too steep), or elevators that were quick and roomy enough not to make me feel like i was missing out. every exhibit was at a height/level that someone sitting down could still see. some of the active touch exhibits (like getting to pet certain animals or feel kelp) were trickier, but staff always came forth unprompted to ask me (not forcibly, just ask) if i could reach everything okay, and if i couldn't, they leaned down and over to help me get where i wanted. there was a walk-through bird enclosure where a staff person followed us, and explained that the doors need to open and close somewhat quickly, so she'll just stay around us while we're there, and as soon as i'm ready to exit through the door i was to let her know. she was fully in the background while we were in there, and at no point did i feel like i was under any pressure to get out soon, or like i was inconveniencing her.

literally the only difficult thing about going through the aquarium with a wheelchair was that at the very end of the day we weren't entirely sure where to give it back. the only difficult thing about going through the monterey bay aquarium with a wheelchair was getting rid of the wheelchair!

am i just advertising the monterey bay aquarium in this post? maybe. yeah. they're good in general and i'll give them as many free ads as i want. they were just also a really good example for accessibility that made me feel like a completely normal aquarium visitor. like i wasn't disabled, because the place enabled me to visit it.

and it's on my mind now that i'm back home in germany, because yesterday i had to take a train from a station that had me crawl up 4 flights of stairs with a cane and a suitcase around crowds of people that didn't help. and it wasn't that the elevator was broken or anything. it's that plenty of train stations even in large cities like cologne simply are not accessible for anyone who can't climb stairs.

and the aquarium was a good example for how it's not just things like ramps and available wheelchairs that are necessary, but how their staff also clearly knew what they were doing. there is an etiquette to learn for people who had never worked with disability before (you will at some point!), and they'd learned it. my needs never stumped them. and i got to spend my honeymoon feeling like an easy customer and only ever weeping because i got to see the ocean.

[itsgrimeytime]

Home is Where the Heart is (Part Six) || Farmer!Rick Grimes (TWD) x Teacher!GN!reader AU

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

Taglist: @1tsk1tty

rick grimes taglist: @golden-hoax @mgparker

AVAILABLE ON AO3

Inspiration: Like Real People Do by Hozier and Begin Again by Taylor Swift.

Summary: Your life was spinning out of control, you knew that. After a string of particularly shattering events, you decided it was time to start anew. With a little help from one of your Grandma's rentals, you found yourself in the small town of Alexandria. The last thing you expected was your neighbor, Rick Grimes.

TWs: none.

[[A/N: We're back babyyyy- get that cliché cooking together scene in here. Carl is significantly younger than he was in the show when Judith was a toddler, sorry. But the vibes were a young class, what can I say? I'd say he's like 7-9, making you like a 3rd grade teacher. Anyway. Enjoy :))]]

His house was what you expected -homey, and well a bit like a farmhouse. You wondered just how much of this was Rick's, and if any of it was Lori's. Did she live here?

"I built it myself," he remarked offhandedly, almost like a boast but not quite.

"What, the cabinets?" you hummed, pointing to the white, well-crafted cabinetry -you could tell there was substantial work put into them, each detail could be harbored on for-

"The house," he corrected, gathering supplies through his kitchen like he'd done it a million times before. He probably had.

"The house?"

"Yeah," he laughed, looking at you with his blue eyes, playfully, "-why? You surprised?"

"Well," you looked at him -rugged from working on the farm, you guessed, "-no. It just takes a lot to build a house-"

"'Worked on it for years," he hummed, absentmindedly, "-Suppose to be a family home, before..."

"Before the divorce," you finished, softly -carefully looking at him.

He seemed a little somber, but it didn't seem quite as painful as you imagined just after the divorce. It still hurt though, whatever reason it ended still hurt.

"Well," you spoke, playfully, "-she's missing out, I'll tell you that. I mean..."

He laughed, staring down into the bowl -a bright little grin cracking along his face.

"-it's amazing in here, really."

"Thank ya," Rick laughed a bit.

"No," you echoed, "-I'm serious. This place is, god."

Your eyes swam along all the details, imagining his own hands working on it. Each wall, each slab of flooring, the archways, the ceiling-

Rick fell rather silent, a smile slipped across his face but he seemed rather bashful, "Thank you."

"Of course," you echoed, hands fidgeting at your shirt, so you set them along the bar top -not a real one but one built into his kitchen, "-can't have a man like you shit-talking yourself afterall."

"A man like me?"

"A good man," you settled on -contemplative, "-a great man even. If you aren't the cream of the crop, then I certainly feel bad for anyone else."

If you squinted, you could see a little blush rise on his cheeks -it made you feel kind of giddy.

"Thank you," he repeated, with the same sort of serious, but lighthearted, tone. He spoke almost as if it was hitting his soul, like it really meant something to him. Like your opinion mattered then.

You wondered if it did.

Clearing your throat, you approached him in the kitchen -leisurely, "Aren't I supposed to be helping?"

"Sure," Rick grinned, something telling in his eyes, "-but I do think you were doing a great job just sittin' there lookin' pretty."

"Ha, ha," you deadpanned, before scooting into his side -almost close enough to touch, "-Now seriously, how can I help?"

"I'm serious-"

"Rick," you laughed a bit, "-let me help. You want some bacon, eggs? I can do the whole works-"

Rick sighed, a bit defeated -flipping the little bit of his hair that had hung over as he stirred back to look at you with the tilt of his head, "Fine, darlin', you can do the pancakes."

He held his hands up and stepped away from the bowl, but he didn't go far -only a mere step to the right to take the bacon out of its packaging. If you focused hard enough, you feel the heat of his body but only if you focused.

Which you weren't, not on that anyway.

"Did you already put the mix in?"

He laughed, turning to you with hands at his chest -touching raw meat, "Ya never made pancakes from scratch? Did ya also get fed with a silver spoon?"

"Don't-" you started, pointing the spoon at him accusingly, "-my Mom used plastic, first of all, and I know what I'm doing, obviously. But if I didn't, what else would you put in the mix?"

He only laughed even harder.

It took you about ten more minutes and a Google search to finish the pancakes, and the whole time -because he was already finished- he leaned up against the counter and watched you.

"Here you are, loverboy," you sat the stack of pancakes on the table -they were small, but still seemed to be good in quality. They would be eaten, Rick assured you of that.

"You still on 'at?" He hummed, tilting his head slightly.

"Sure," you responded, "-you still on darling?"

"Touché," he chuckled, holding a piece of bacon towards you, which you politely refused, and then decidedly popped it into his mouth, "-let me get the kids up. One minute, just wait 'ere."

"Okay," you hummed.

You let yourself get lost in the house then, fingers tapping along the counter. The kitchen was so well-crafted, you absentmindedly decided one day that you'd ask him to build you a house.

Or you could have this one, your mind chimed, traitorous.

Waving the thought away, you slowly stepped off the tile and back into the entry. Looking down the hallway, where you saw not a soul, you ventured a little further into the house. Just a little peek wouldn't hurt.

Your footsteps echoed along the floor, as you guided yourself into the next room -the dining room. All along the walls were a slew of family photos and drawings, each with sturdy frames -treasured. You smiled for a moment, finger coming up to touch the wooden frame of a drawing -one where it was Rick (obviously by the bright blue dots where his eyes were) and a little boy by his side who was wearing a cowboy hat.

His son, you remembered.

You hadn't actually met him that first day, he'd never come to help -Rick said he was working on a "masterpiece". And seeing his work now, he most certainly could have been.

You weren't even actually sure of his name.

With that passing thought, you flickered through a few family photos -ones with Lori. It said a lot about a man when he put up photos of his ex-wife, a lot of good. Even for whatever reason they divorced, Rick kept her in their lives. That was really important.

You scanned the wall, looking for wedding photos -just to see if he was the kind to hang them. But you were left empty-handed. Huh, you guessed that made sense-

Your eyes settled on a photo, silencing your train of thought -it was Rick. He was turned to the side, in a professional sort of way, and your eyes dipped to the beige uniform and badge. Sheriff.

Well, you hummed, that must be where the hat came from.

He looked totally different -hair cut shorter and completely clean-shaven. Blue eyes still bright as ever, he suited it. That being said, you think he suited his look now better. He was very relaxed, at peace, and seemed to be doing what he wanted in life. In some sort of way, you could tell Rick was built for what he did, including being a Dad.

Your fingers extended, maybe just one little touch-

"If ya wanted a tour, darlin', you coulda just asked."

"Jesus, fu-" you spun on your heel, ears hearing the little mutters of kids so you corrected, "-Christ, Rick you scared me."

He was grinning, leaned against the doorframe with casual ease -how long had he been watching you? The stance indicated much longer than you initially thought.

"You did seem focused," he hummed -standing straight, "-what were ya lookin' at?"

You paused, lips snapping shut -no way you were telling him that. Luckily, you heard some clanging echo out for the kitchen, and settled on deflecting, "Oh, look at that, sounds like your kids are getting into something they shouldn't. You should probably deal with that."

It came out a little nervous, rambly even, but all Rick did was grin -shaking his head in disbelief. Of what, you weren't sure.

"Carl," you heard his voice echo out into the room, "-go sit at the table. Jude, stay with me, I'll put'cha in your chair."

Carl, you thought, you knew that name from somewhere.

You heard a young voice chime back, almost in a sing-songy tone, "Okay, Dad."

Before you could think too hard on where you recognized the name from, the boy walked in. His hair was just touching his shoulders, darker brown than his Dad's, but his eyes on the other hand were an exact match -bluer than blue. It was a little unnerving, actually.

"Hey," he crossed his arms, "-I know you, you're the neighbor Dad keeps talkin' 'bout."

"Uh, yeah," (he talks about you?), "-I'm Y/N, nice to meet you."

"My name's Carl," he smiled big and wide, holding his hand out to shake -cute.

You laughed, accepting the shake, "Very professional, Carl."

He grinned, proud of himself, before standing beside a chair -he seemed to know the exact one to sit at. Maybe it was where he sat every time? Now that you counted, there was exactly enough chairs for one guest (4 to be exact) -for Lori at one point, you realized.

Something in your heart tinged.

"You can sit beside me," Carl offered, even going as far to pull the chair beside him out.

"I'd be honored, Carl," you smiled, before looking back to the kitchen, "-Just let me help your Dad first. Save it for me, okay?"

He nodded -enthusiastically, sitting into his chair and holding the other's arm with a firm grip. Protective. You wanted to laugh at the sight, but bit it back -wandering back toward the kitchen.

Rick was there, organizing the plates of food, and Judith stood by his side, making relentless grabby hands. Something in your chest warmed at such a domestic sight, you let it simmer under your skin for a second.

"You need some help?"

He spun to look at you, letting out a nervous laugh, "Could ya? I can get the pancakes, and the plates-"

"Daddy," Judith pouted, "-up, up."

"Jude, just a second, okay? Daddy's gotta get the food-"

"Rick," you put a hand on his arm, "-I've got it, go sit down."

His eyes flickered to your hand for a moment -something in your fingers tingled, before connecting with your eyes, "I couldn't ask ya to-"

"You're not," you corrected, "-let me do this. Think about it. When was the last time you were served breakfast and not the other way around?"

Rick pursed his lips for a moment, reaching for one of the plates, "'s been a while, but I can help, darlin'."

You silently grabbed his wrist, and he turned his attention back to you, "Think of it as a thank you for the breakfast."

Rick sighed, and you dropped his wrist (fingertips warm and fuzzy) -stepping back from the counter with his hands in mock surrender, "Alright."

"It'll only take me a few trips," you explained, "-plus, I've already got a seat, Carl's saving it for me."

Rick wanted to say something to that, but Judith was persistent -tiny hands pulling at the fabric of his pants. With a long exhale through his nose, he scooped her up.

"Thank you," he hummed, soft and gentle and sincere.

"No problem," you smiled, teasing, "-loverboy."

He laughed a bit, a sort of flicker smoothing across his eyes. You didn't really know what it was, but it was warm, you knew that much. It made your throat run a little dry and your heart beat a little faster -you tried to school your face into something neutral.

Breakfast was... good. Not even just in the physical sense, which it very much was, but in general; it was a homey sort of experience, Carl chattering away, and Judith using a tiny fork to pick up bits and pieces of her food. Every once in awhile she'd play peekaboo with you, and you couldn't find it in yourself to stop smiling.

Carl asked you a lot of questions, but you answered them without a smile of hesitation.

Rick, though, was strangely silent. You didn't hear from him in any of the discussions, and his low gravel was decidedly absent to your ears. Pursing your lips, you chanced a glance at him and instead found him looking straight at you.

Blue eyes concise and focused, he seemed to be watching you, a little in awe. A sort of gaze that rooted you to your chair -a fondness far too much than you thought he would've had for you. Your eyes flicked back to the kids, who were both distracted by each other.

"You're really good with 'em," he spoke, slow and appreciative.

"I try," you quipped, before falling a bit more serious, "-I was really worried... when I started teaching, that I wasn't going to know how to deal with the kids."

Rick watched you for a moment, food forgotten, "It doesn't come naturally to ya? 'Sure seems like it."

"Thank you," you smiled -a little bashful, "-but you didn't see me before."

"There's no doubt in my mind 'at you were perfect, darlin'," he countered, blue eyes in a fuzzy haze -drifting across your face, "-in fact, I don't believe I can quite see a flaw."

"What," you questioned, bringing a bite to your mouth, "-with my teaching?"

"With you," he corrected, eyes still holding the contact as he slipped his coffee.

"Well," you cleared your throat -heart beating a thousand miles a second, "-there are definitely some people who would disagree with you on that."

"None of 'em 'at matter," he offered -so sincere, you almost had to blink away tears.

Your mind drifted to your city job, your... ex-fiance, and the aftermath of it all. You had really loved him. Now, you bet he had little to say about you positively.

"Darlin'?" His voice pulled you out of your head, "-Everythin' okay? Thought I lost ya there."

"I..." you started, but your words didn't come out -instead your tone trailed off into silence.

"You wanna talk about it later?" He offered -eyes flickering to his kids, warm and inviting, but not at all pressuring, "-Don't 'ave to, only if ya think it'll help."

"Would you?"

"Would I what?" He asked, seeking clarification.

"Listen," you hummed, "-it isn't very fun to just... listen. Especially about someone's problems-"

He grabbed your wrist, which sat unmoving on the table -rough fingertips brought you back, "I'd love to listen to ya. Whatever ya wanted to talk about, I'd be happy to."

"Yeah?" You offered, soft, "-You're a busy man, Rick, are you sure you can-"

"I'll make time for ya," he hummed, fingers leaving your arm -warmth in their wake, "-you're more important than that other stuff anyway, darlin'."

Your heart fluttered in your chest, but you merely noted it, "You're a farmer, don't you need to tend to your farm? Isn't that like grueling, time-consuming work?"

"I can adjust, get some stuff done faster," he muttered, "-what? Ya don't think I can do it?"

"No, I just..." your mind dipped back into the city and feeling lonely even though there were people all around you.

Rick must've noticed something flash through your eyes, as his hand hesitatingly threaded into yours on the table, "I'll make time for ya, promise."

And you somehow believed him.

[imliketheiceifreeze]

Human Miles Quaritch x Original character

American dream

She is a Polish girl in America Tall, tan, hot blonde called Anya I asked her 'Why would you wanna be a Hollywood wife?' "Because I don't wanna end up living in a dive on Vine A dive on Vine"

Warnings: Smut (and I mean pure filth), swearing, abuse of power, age gap, minors DNI

Short story (porn without plot)

4,841 words

It was late one evening in the RDA base, almost everyone had rotated back to earth by now, all of my squamates had been so cheerful as they wished me goodbye, talking of the parents, children, husbands that were waiting for them back home. That thought made me sigh as I took another generous gulp of my beer, it tasted like shit but was one of the only drinks at the bar and I wasn't planning on being sober tonight. The bar was almost empty aside from one other person who I noticed had also chosen to stay on pandora-my Colonel, Colonel Quaritch.

I wondered what his reasons were for staying, I knew my own, but the thought of him having no-one to go home to spiked an unusual feeling in my chest. I couldn't deny I had always been sweet on the Colonel-probably on account of my copious daddy issues-though, knowing this didn't make my feelings for him lessen any.

The room was already beginning to sway a little, to my delight, and as I looked around I noticed the Colonel getting to his feet- returning to his quarters most likely-meaning that I would be left completely alone, without even something to occupy my eyes. However, catching me off guard, his feet did not turn towards the door and instead moved him in close proximity with my table.

"Evening Anja."

It struck me that he hadn't addressed me with my title, I wasn't even aware that he knew my name.

"Colonel,"

I replied nodding as he took a seat in front of me, spreading his legs out in a dominant display as he leaned back, seeming surprisingly relaxed for the normally uptight man. He laughed a little at my use of his honorifics as he responded,

"you can call me Miles, we're off duty aren't we?"

His question had no real answer, yet I felt the need to reply to him, his presence still making me jumpy from the endless punishments he'd forced me and my comrades to endure.

"Yeah, I suppose so,"

I murmured thoughtfully, taking another sip of my drink as my eyes flitted over him much more shamelessly than I'd ever dare without some liquid courage. He seemed to mirror my movements, his lips quirked up at the sides ever so slightly.

"So, why are you still on Pandora Anja?"

My name slipped off his lips like honey, making me blush and turn away from his gaze, the steely blue eyes boring into mine much too intently for my liking.

"Don't have too much at home for me sir, no point wasting the trip to come straight back anyway,"

I spoke truthfully, feeling comfort in the fact that he was obviously in the same predicament. He hummed, eyes narrowing as he thought.

"what about you sir?"

I asked to break the silence that had fallen on us both, heart lurching a little when I met his eyes, suddenly realising how intimate the situation was.

"I thought I told you to call me Miles huh sweetcheeks, you don't need to be shy around me you know."

He chuckled, watching me curl into myself like a shrinking violet at his words.

"But to answer your question, there's no-one waiting for me at home either Anja."

An answer that should've been brimming with as much shame as my own, somehow seemed sultry when he said it, all kinds of implications swimming in his eyes as they scanned my blushing form.

"I'm sorry sir, you just make me nervous, you're a scary man you know."

I smiled shyly up at him with red tinged cheeks as I fiddled with the rim of my bottle, earning me a hiss as he drew in a quick breath.

"Don't give me those eyes darling,"

He scolded, eyes narrowed with an emotion I couldn't place, yet it caused my stomach to dive in fear....or excitement? I wasn't sure, but I found it impossible now to remove my eyes from his handsome face as I felt my body lean in.

"What do you mean sir?

I stuttered, taken aback by his words which were causing heat to spread through my body like wildfire.

"I think you know exactly what I mean Anja, don't think I don't notice the way you look at me in training as well. You think it's appropriate for you to be looking at a 50 year old man like that?"

He interrogated me with a harsh glare, the feeling of all my cards being ripped away from my chest causing my throat to close. I had thought I was more subtle with my feelings, but I couldn't help the way my eyes would drag along his toned arms, bulging chest, strong legs, especially when he was drenched in sweat and panting. Images flashed into my mind of all such situations he was referring to and I couldn't contain the small smile that graced my features. Unable to answer his question, I had unintentionally left him room to continue my humiliation.

"You know if you don't stop calling me sir I'm gonna start thinking it turns you on."

My breath hitched at his words as I watched him lean back, pleased with my reaction, spreading his legs further and taking another swig of his beer. I wondered if he was drunk, I'd never heard him speak like this before; however, I couldn't help but enjoy the attention, as heat crawled up my thighs, unable to meet his stare.

"I-I don't know what you mean sir, I look at you the same as anyone else,"

I spoke slowly, struggling to get any words out with my quickened breathing and dry throat.

"Oh really? Is that so, you look like that at Fike, Lyle, Mansk, Zdinarsk?"

He drawled, eyes glimmering with enjoyment, moving one foot forward he allowed his cargo-pant covered leg to brush against my own. It was only a small action but it elicited a shiver from my body, the heat from his thigh seeping into my own delightfully and doing nothing to quell the heat searing between my legs.

"No sir,"

I breathed in admission, finally deciding to meet his predatory gaze which didn't falter, showing me he didn't even need it, he already knew.

"Good girl,"

he rasped out, almost having me mewling like a bitch in heat at the nickname.

"Now, tell me, what's a pretty, young thing like you want with a man like me? Want me to hold your hand, give you special treatment, make you corporal someday?"

He asked intently, face too difficult to read for me to decipher if he was joking or not. Nevertheless, I humoured him with a response, although, somewhat offended that he thought I wanted to climb the ranks that way.

"No sir, that's not what I want."

My reply was harsh, causing him to chuckle at my intensity, however, this time he did not bite back, only staring with eyebrows quirked as he dared me to challenge him, fully utilising his interrogation abilities to play with me. Eventually, having weighed up the possibilities in my head, I decided to be truthful. He was still my Colonel after all and I knew he valued honesty. Taking one long breath, deep into my chest, I closed my eyes momentarily, praying to god that he wasn't about to kick me out of the corps for good before speaking boldly for once.

"I want you to fuck me Colonel."

It was his turn for his front to drop, choking on his beer with a laugh as surprise flashed across his face, quickly being replaced by a sultry gaze; he bit his lip harshly, letting it bounce out from between his lips as he looked me up and down, clearly envisioning my words.

"don't play with me girl,"

he growled, leaving the bemused façade behind, the effect I was having on him finally showing, and to my shock, he almost seemed to want me as much as I did him.

Not bothering to entertain the suggestion, I walked slowly to his side and leaned down to place one knee in the space between his legs, dubiously close to his crotch, before placing my hand against his rough cheek. My actions appeared to take him by surprise, still he wrapped his hands around my waist to steady me, eyes locked on mine in curiosity. Leaning down hurriedly, I pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, revelling in the sensation of his mouth against my own, feeling his breath on my cheek as I pulled away with a shudder.

"I'm not playing about Colonel, I'm being serious. If you don't feel the same then just tell me and stop letting me make a fool out of myself."

I whispered nervously, eyes flicking between his own, heart beating harder out of my chest with each passing second.

Out of the blue, I felt myself being tugged forward, crashing into his hard chest and giving my legs no choice but to spread out to a kneel on either side of his thighs, hands grabbing onto his shoulders to steady me.

"Fuck, you're so damn irresistible,"

he groaned, taking heavy breaths through his nose and dipping his head down to kiss and suck at my neck, nipping occasionally. The sensations overwhelmed me, causing me to whine in his hold whilst my fingers dug into his shoulders, pressing myself impossibly closer to his body, wanting so much to move my hips rhythmically against his own.

"That's it baby, let me know how good it feels,"

he mumbled against my skin, which I was sure was littered with marks by now. I couldn't take it anymore, his words causing a wave of desire to crash over me and I was ashamed to admit, the excitement of the situation almost made me cum there and then on his thigh.

"Miles,"

I released another, higher pitched whine as I gave into my wishes, rolling my hips almost frantically over his, I felt as good as feral in that moment, knowing I would've let him lay me out on that table and fuck me then and there in the bar if he wanted to. I only stilled when he seized my hips in an iron grip, and I was actually able to get a good look at him. He looked just as dishevelled as I was sure I did, eyebrows furrowed, eyes almost pleading as he swallowed hard, closing them as if in pain,

"don't,"

he growled, slapping my arse hard enough to sting, making me yelp and jolt forward, surprised at myself for enjoying the feeling as much as I did.

"Don't do that,"

he reiterated, the low timbre of his voice making me moan shamelessly, glad to be alone in the bar because if anyone could see my desperate state, my reputation would never recover.

"I'm sorry sir,"

I whimpered, nuzzling my face into his neck, pressing my own kisses to his jugular needily.

"Look at you, such a whore for your Colonel. what would your comrades think if they could see you now Anja, all needy for my cock."

His words were turning me on more than I'd ever been in my life, making me so wet I thought it might have seeped through my pants as I choked down another moan.

"I wouldn't care, just please please,"

I virtually cried out, shivering pitifully in his arms. Having mercy on me, he hooked one finger under my chin, a grin plastered on his face as he cooed mockingly

"It's ok baby, is this what you need?"

thrusting his hips against mine, forcing my own hips to roll against him with his other hands, he surveyed my blissed out expression with dark eyes. Leaning in, he lead my head towards him, allowing me to connect my mouth with his and kissing me heatedly, one hand moving to my scalp, pulling lightly at the strands, seeming to have picked up on my masochistic tendencies. As I moaned into his mouth I gave him an opening to slip his tongue between my lips, moving it surprisingly sweetly against me.

Regrettably, he was a great kisser, gripping and touching me just right as his warm muscle massaged my mouth, letting my tongue explore him however I liked, it was only making it more difficult not to fall for him, imagining where else he could kiss to elicit even greater pleasure from me.

He was the one to pull away first, eyes blown wide as we watched the string of saliva connecting us snap at the distance.

"Sweetheart, I'm so close to bending you over this table right now,"

He grunted, shuffling his hips against me once more, I guessed his trousers were getting uncomfortable by now and I could feel his hardness straining against my ass every time he moved.

"that's okay, I don't mind, I'll do whatever you want sir,"

I replied, smiling up gently at the man through my lashes, hoping to crack his resolve enough for him to give in because I couldn't take his teasing any longer. His only response was another groan, head tilting back in frustration before I felt myself being picked up with one arm as Miles stood from his bench. I had no choice but to wrap my legs tightly around his waist, the stimulation of his broad chest bouncing against my clit with each step making me gasp. He walked fast, how he did when called to important meetings or to give someone a piece of his mind, this time however, his motivations were of an entirely different variety.

"Hang on tight darling,"

he teased in his gruff tone, releasing me with one arm to grapple with his door, unlocking it as swiftly as humanly possible, desperate to get me into his bed. And once we were both in, he marched me over to the neatly made bed in the middle of his room, lowering me onto it with a grunt, still keeping his body close to mine and crawling over me, until I was trapped with his arms either side of my head. I felt so powerless below him, below my colonel like this, it made me burn, my slick thighs only getting wetter as his hooded eyes pinned me.

"Is this what you wanted hmm? Laying tits up in my bed?"

He emphasised his point by massaging my breast in his hand as leant down to capture my lips again.

"Wait!"

I suddenly exclaimed, pushing him away by his broad shoulders, causing worry to spread across his face.

"I'm a virgin..."

I confessed shamefully, turning my head away so as not to meet his expression, I knew being a virgin at 25 was embarrassing and I didn't need him to tell me that.

"Anja,"

he breathed, moving my head with a firm grip on my jaw.

"Shit, I can't believe you've never been fucked by anyone, not ever? Not even Wainfleet? I see the way he follows you around like a lost puppy."

This made me giggle, pushing at his chest gently but only really as a ploy to feel the hard muscle beneath his shirt.

"Lyle doesn't want to have sex with me he's my friend,"

I replied humorously, Lyle called me an annoying, whiny child on far too many occasions to be accused of wanting to stick his dick inside of me.

"Oh baby, you're so naïve, I bet you don't even notice the way the rest of the squad looks at you, especially when you do all those fucking stretches in those tight little shorts."

He ground his hips against me as he talked and I could tell he enjoyed teasing me just a little too much.

"But I guess it doesn't matter does it sweetheart, cos this is all for me and I don't want you fucking any of them, understood?"

His grip on my jaw tightened as he waited for my reply, his words causing a fluttering feeling to well up in my stomach, the vaguely possessive sentiment untangling a kink I wasn't aware I had.

"Ah yes sir!"

I cried at the force of the slap he delivered to my upper thigh in the silence.

"Such a good girl isn't that right,"

he mumbled, attacking my neck as he slipped his hands underneath my shirt, lifting it gently over my head before reaching around me for the clasp of my bra, murmuring against my ear between kisses,

"Can I take this off?"

I nodded eagerly, and he ripped it off like a man starved, pawing at my breasts, flicking at my nipples to harden them, making me arch my back and moan in delight; even more so when he leaned his head down to take one into his mouth, swirling his tongue and sucking with expertise. I had never expected him to be such a passionate man, more of a quickie in a cupboard kind of guy, but he most certainly proved me wrong, seeming to love pushing me to the edge as much during sex as when he had me running laps in the field.

I moved my own hands under the shoulders of his tank top, quickly sending him the message that I wanted it off, to which he obliged. He was gorgeous underneath, muscular body showing years of hard work and dedication, littered with scars and a masculine dusting of hair on his chest. He was such a man, my body couldn't help but react to him, want him inside of me when I saw those bulging muscles and scars. I thought as I ran my hands up and down his beautiful form, luckily he was too engrossed with my tits to notice my dazed staring.

Eventually, his hands travelled down my stomach, tickling my skin with his fingertips, until he reached my belt, pulling blindly at the buckle as he kissed my lips once more. Frustrated with waiting, my hands joined his, yanking off my own belt and lifting my hips, almost begging him to rip off my trousers.

"So needy,"

he whispered against my lips before removing his body from mine, leaning back to sit on his heels making me sigh sadly at the loss of warmth. Soon enough though, he got to work removing my cargos, leaving me laying there in only my little lacy white panties, completely transparent with my juices. He sucked in a whistling breath at the sight of them.

"Jesus darling, almost a whole lake in there,"

chuckling darkly, he leaned down to run a finger over my core, as if in awe,

"I really turn you on that much?"

His words made my hole flutter as he hooked his thumbs in the band on my underwear, looking into my eyes as he pulled them down,

"You still ok?"

He asked urgently, wanting nothing more than to drive his fingers into my eager cunt, but knowing he had to restrain himself, especially since it was my first time, after all, he was my Colonel and he looked after his own.

"Yes, please Colonel, hurry up,"

I insisted, grabbing at one of his hands to bring it closer to me.

"Fuck, don't even need to make you beg,"

he mumbled, bringing his fingers to my dripping folds, parting my lower lips to expose the fluttering rim muscle.

"Just like a flower,"

he said smirking at me as he began to circle my clit with one finger, making me mewl, arching as I tried to grab at the pillows by my head. I almost choked on my own tongue when he finally, deliciously, slipped in his thick finger. Low, satisfied moans tumbled from my lips with every pump, feeling as though I may have expired if I had been left any longer without being filled. Adding a second, then a third, he hammered into me at a vigorous pace, the same I could imagine he would use with his cock, curling them up to hit that magical spot that had me seeing stars.

Looking up at him, I could see his expression, lip firmly between his teeth as he flicked between watching my reactions and my obscenely squelching pussy closely. I spied a wet patch on his cargos, that and the large tent giving away his excitement.

"Anja, I can't wait,"

he rushed out, letting me become privy to the distinct sounds of the clanking of a metal buckle along with a zipper dragging down. Before I could comprehend, he had his cock in his hand, fisting it vigorously, lining it up with my entrance and pushing the spongy head against me, slowly breaking into my warm cavern. The intrusion stung, but I somewhat enjoyed the feeling, especially with the vulgar faces the Colonel was giving me at the feeling of my insides.

"You're so tight sweetheart,"

he moaned, head falling backwards with jaw slack, pushing in little by little so as not to break me. He was so thick, I'd never had anything that size in me before, none of my dildos amounted to his length let alone thickness. But above all, the sensation that got me the most, was the pulsing heat spreading from his member through my walls, making me clench, my body already deciding to keep him inside.

With one last push he bottomed out, balls slapping my ass and he buckled forward, leaning on his elbows as he kissed at my jaw, waiting for my signal to move. I could feel all of him, his hard body above me, in me, it was overwhelming and I bucked up my hips aching for some friction to relieve the pressure.

"You ready sweetheart huh? ready for me to fuck you just like you wanted?"

He asked, leaving no room for answer, already having begun thrusting into me with swift, powerful strokes, having him hit that spot inside me with every collision, causing tears to brim in my eyes as I chanted his name like a mantra.

"Oh fuck baby, so fucking wet I can feel you dripping, you gonna gush on my cock angel?"

Nonsense streamed from his lips, speeding up with every word, making my mind go numb, only focused on the way he filled me to the brim, legs clenched around his waist, fingers dug into his hair, clinging on for dear life as he brought me closer and closer towards my petite mort.

"Colonel, please, make me cum,"

I sobbed, biting at his shoulder, but he didn't seem to mind, revelling in how he was ruining me more and more with each stroke.

"Always thought you were so polite and cute huh, but this is what you imagined every time you called me sir, that's fucking filthy baby."

He growled, balls slapping my cunt with increasing power, even without our voices, anyone walking past his quarters would easily be able to tell what the two of us were doing with only the sounds of our bodies.

"I know, I'm sorry sir, please punish me."

I wasn't sure where this side of me was coming from but the words flowed out of my mouth like lava, burning hot in my throat.

At this he stopped all together, pulling out completely as I lamented, although the view of his engorged cock, glistening with my slick was almost enough to make up for it.

"Turn around and get on your hands and knees,"

His gravelly voice commanded, causing my hairs to stand on end. I presented myself to him, a little shy at this new, exposed position, until I felt a slap on my ass, hard enough to leave a handprint. It had me arching my back and wailing euphoniously, leaving the Colonel almost no choice but to plunge into my weeping pussy, setting an equally merciless pace that caught me off guard, pushing my face into the bed below as he abused my twitching hole in time with harsh slaps delivered to either cheek. The mix of pleasure and pain caused the coil in my stomach to tighten tremendously, bringing me to the edge much faster than anticipated.

"Cumming,"

was all I managed to shout out before my walls were milking the Colonel. Yet the pressure still had not dissipated, not until he reached down to rub at my clit, causing an unfamiliar feeling, almost like the need to piss, flow over me, causing me to try to grab at his had to stop him. But to no avail because he was a man out of control, his only mission to bring us both to completion.

"That's it baby, I know you can do it, give me another one."

"augh-ah-ahhh,"

a choking moan, trailing off into a high pitched whine forced its way out of my body as the waves of pleasure finally came crashing down, making me go limp against the pillows as I felt my muscles contract violently, realising in horror that I was currently squirting all over my Colonel's chest, unable to stop, and forced to watch as more clear liquid shot out of me, all over him. I was thankful that he fucked me through it without hesitation, slapping my ass again as he murmured something unintelligible to my blissed out ears. I just lay there useless as he took his pleasure, one hand in my hair, the other against my spine, forcing me to arch against him before his hips finally stuttered.

"Such a good girl aren't you Anja, Colonel's good girl, yeah that's it, keep clenching that pretty pussy around my cock like you didn't already squirt all over it."

His words made me blush in the post orgasmic haze, suddenly realising how dirty he really was, not that it made me want him any less. Turning my head I looked into his eyes lazily,

"cum inside me Miles,"

it felt intimate to say, in spite of the fact that he could see everything from my asshole to my calloused feet from his position. It seemed to push him over the edge though, shouting my name as he came, giving me three hard thrusts before I felt it. Like a volcanic eruption, hot and pulsing inside me, god I wanted him to cum in me every day like this for the rest of my life, his breathing laboured, moaning softly as he did it, his face so scrunched with pleasure, he looked beautiful.

It took a few minutes for the fountain to cease, eventually able to open his eyes he took in my wrecked form below him, causing a chuckle to rise in his chest at the sight of what he'd done to me. He stroked my spine with one rough hand as he caught his breath, not having fucked that hard in years, he needed a few minutes to recover.

"You okay sweetheart?"

He asked, uncharacteristically sweetly, as he caressed my rib cage at the same time as he pulled his softening cock from my heat.

"I'm good Miles, thank you."

I wasn't sure why I was thanking him really, for fucking me? that seemed stupid, yet I was the one saying the words. It made him chuckle again, I was still so polite after everything.

Crashing down next to me, he pulled me into his chest with strong arms, seeming to want to bask in the afterglow as much as I did. And I took the opportunity to kiss his chest tenderly, running my fingers up and down through the light hair there, still a little in awe of his presence.

"Can I use your toilet?"

I broke the silence with my question, expecting a harsh glare or mocking remark, but receiving neither, only a soft gaze and nod of a head in the direction of the ensuite. Wriggling out of his hold, that he apparently didn't want to let me out of, I attempted to walk on shaky legs, almost falling multiple times as I hobbled to the toilet weakly, much to Miles' amusement.

Once I had finished, I wondered if he'd want me to leave, this was only a one night stand after all....

"Should I go then?"

I asked quietly, leaning on the doorframe for support, feeling the full weight of my nakedness under his stare.

"After all that you think I'm gonna kick you out? Come here before I change my mind"

He rolled his eyes in annoyance, pulling up the covers as an invitation, one which I accepted happily, snuggling into him for warmth, I told myself, as he wrapped his arms around me from behind, stroking at the skin of my stomach with his thumb, the feeling of his deep breathing and steady heartbeat helping to lull me to sleep.

I knew, deep down that I had fucked up, this man would be leading my squad on the next mission and many more to come. Yet in this moment I couldn't bring myself to care, focusing only on the feeling of his skin against mine as I hoped this wouldn't be the last time.

Taglist:

@ab-haya

@isabellekenway

@mechformers 

@lvangel98

@htnw004

@jayedillon

@drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed

[astradyke]

Suddenly I need you to write a dissertation on anything!! You're so well spoken <3 since we're getting into a bit of a character (?) study almost on them, I need you to talk about phil's supposed breakdown when dan left him aka went on tour. These two are so codependent it's adorable!! And now in the context of phil incorrectly (but still sweet) explaining to dan the invisible string theory. I can't!!!!! If it wasn't so sweet, it would almost be toxic but I love them!! They're obsessed with each other, only want each other, cannot stand to be separated for more than a day and want us to know it!

i again need to pause and thank you profusely because i am really happy that there is an interest for my little dissertations ^_^ this is the second to last day i have at home before i move back into university so we really need to maximize this time haha

honestly though, i know i say this every time i make a post but i actually don't know how many thoughts i have about this? i dunno... this is going to be messy but, i guess here are some of my thoughts as to why i don't think Dan and Phil are codependent (ft some tangents and affirmations that they are still crazy insane bc you are right and i'm emotional about it)

Dan is leaving me is actually such a masterpiece of a video because it is really like the loudest thing they have ever publicly released, barring the second pizza mukbang video. it's a little ridiculous in concept because like, come on guys, you're in your thirties and you haven't been apart for longer than two weeks? ever? in like a decade? but also like... i don't know! i kind of get it?

one of the aspects of their relationship that Dan specifically really amplifies in interviews (and throughout Dystopia Daily interestingly enough) is the fact that Phil is essentially a part of his everyday routine so much to the point that it's no longer remarkable. it's heard when he describes their relationship as "two 1,000 immortals/ancient divorced couple", or when he says "Phil doesn't count as a person", or when he calls Phil a piece of furniture (can't snag citations right now but if you are unfamiliar with any of these just ask me and i'll find them for you). a lot of these are done snarkily, but it is actually a massive facet of many close relationships: you become so used to each other that your everyday existence is parallel play, and you are so good at communicating that you know how to flow in and out of each other's spaces like it's breathing.

quick little Mare lore drop, let's talk about university! from January to May at the bare minimum, i would spend anywhere from 2-8 hours a day with my best friend (who comes up in these posts way too much i promise that isn't intentional). we'd study together, eat together, hang out together, etc. we were talking about this recently, because i'm actually not the most extroverted person in the world-- i have spent the majority of my time alone this summer by choice-- but i simultaneously spent literally every waking moment with another person in college, aside from when i was asleep and maybe an hour or two in the middle of the day. the last time i FaceTimed him we both spent it playing separate video games and basically not talking for 1-2 hours straight? yet i am exhausted after seeing another very close friend of mine at the mall for like, two hours. how do you reconcile all of that?

the reason why my best friend's company doesn't drain my social battery is because i have embedded being around him so deeply into my routine that my brain doesn't register it as a social event anymore. i could be in a room with him for literally eight hours and only spent about a quarter of that time socializing. and yet, a few days away from going back to university, that reality feels like a total shock to me, because i spend all my time alone-- how the fuck am i going to go back to being with him from three PM to midnight?

well, that's the exact opposite question Dan and Phil had to ask themselves in 2022! the two of them had been so used to each other's company that it really did become part of their daily routines: a post-social event recharge for Dan might not exclude him resting beside Phil, because Phil isn't a Person, he's just Phil who happens to be a person-- Dan's person. Dan playing the Elden Ring DLC involved Phil being there because yes, Dan was the one playing, but Phil's obviously allowed to be there. so, when Dan decides to go off on tour, and the two of them split apart... that's when the question springs up. because suddenly alone time isn't alone time and also Dan's there, it's proper, actual alone time. the things that you forget to do around the house because you know someone else is able to do them shocks you, because it was never a problem to rely on someone before-- Dan was literally always there! etc etc.

and i actually... okay, i love jokes about codependency and sometimes i do look at them (like with parts of Dan is leaving me) and go holy shit you two that's crazy, but i actually don't see this as a codependency thing! it's a pretty massive shock to anyone's system when you live around another person for that long in such a compact space, right? and like they joked about in... shit, i don't remember the video, might have been the wdapteo 3 (?), the two of them were startled to see the other person in the flesh after Dan's long stretch on tour because that is also a massive adjustment! it's kind of a terrifying one to be honest! just like how university life / home life is a distinction for me, home life / WAD life was a distinction for Dan. and i do take note of the fact that this scenario was unfolding while Dan was the one on tour, because I do think we'd see something kind of interesting if it was the other way around-- like, my point holds, but Phil was right in the video when he said that he has lived alone before versus Dan hasn't because as soon as he moved out he found Phil and, well, not even Dan seems to remember when he proper moved in with him versus when he just crashed in his bed for a weekend. tour life gave Dan structure, and i think that overwhelming reset to his system probably helped with the lack of Phil, versus Phil had experienced living alone but didn't have the same routine that led him to handle the shift in company with the same grace. can't fault the guy.

that being said, while i don't think they were codependent exactly in this period of their life, i do think they were still crazy obsessed with each other because like they really cannot go two seconds without calling or texting or saying each other's names it's so funny. i don't really feel comfortable likening anything they have to toxic because i (like all folks here i think) am very very strongly for the idea that really none of it is, they just kind of happen to be a healthy relationship in which both party is convinced they are soulmates and nobody else has ever had a love like theirs. which... cheers, mate. for sure! can't believe Dan and Phil invented romance, should we throw a party, should we invite Joey Graceffa etc etc

anyway! those are my thoughts <3 this is a clusterfuck of a post SORRY i am very sleepy and also between packing 😭 so not as articulate as usual. but i tried!

[l-e-morgan-author]

on mental health, autism and my life lately

Contentedly, Patience settled to her knitting, glad to have the hardest part of the day over. Now all she had to fight was complicated patterns, and cables that didn’t really want to work exactly how they were supposed to. Much easier than people.

*points* autism

Anyway this is. I originally put the rest of this in the tags and then I typed it up here again because no, it has to be part of the post, actually.

So two weeks ago I was completely convinced that I would die in a matter of days. By my own hand. I was severely suicidal, at an eight on the Emmengard scale, except for the frequent times it tipped up to nine. It was hell. I had a friend overseas who the entire year so far, I didn't think I'd see again because I would have killed myself before she got home. It was that bad.

And she's got home, and barring accident, I will see her again. I've been on the brink of suicide for more than two months, and now, that's changed. Truly I didn't realise how bad it was, really, until I was delivered from it.

This might seem completely separated from the original excerpt, but bear with me. I was realising just now that if I'd written Patience, Changing a year ago, it wouldn't be half so good. So far I'm up to 18k, and it's good. It has a lot of stuff to work on, of course, and I'm still distilling the true centre of it. It'll take a few drafts, but it's good. Patience is autistic, and I knew that a year ago. But I didn't know I was autistic, not then. Now, I understand myself a great deal more, and I understand her because of that. She's me, to some extent, including aspects of me that I didn't even realise were a thing until recently. Because I know me more, I now lean into the aspects in which we are similar, and relish the ones in which we're different. She has one good, close friend in a way I just don't have, not precisely like that. (Look, I love and cherish my friends, truly, but Patience and Nathan's friendship is just Different. And I certainly didn't have anyone like that at her age. Maybe if I had things would have been different for me.)

My heart is full of love today; I can't stop thinking, Patience, we made it. We both made it. We had patience (ha!) and we MADE it. We got here, and for now that's enough. I did an artwork once that was featured in my university's mental health exhibition, about how today is enough, sometimes.

Anyway, the reason I've been so much better (and written about 20k in the last week alone, unheard of for months because of severe depression) is anxiety medication. My doctor put me on medication for anxiety, as a last-ditch attempt before hospitalisation for suicide concern as well as self harm. They're highly addictive, and thus he doesn't want me on them for much longer, so I might be singing a different tune in a few days when he tells me to stop taking them or something, but even so. For now, this is enough. Sure, I'm still depressed. But barely. I've been on the line of severe/extremely severe for both depression and anxiety for ages, and whether it's the anxiety med alone or that it gives the antidepressant I've been on a while space to actually work, the difference is drastic.

So I'm drafting Patience, Changing. And having enormous fun. I'm planning all sorts of things. (Check my tumblr blog, @l-e-morgan-author for more fun and exciting things I get up to.) I'm even planning to hit 25k tomorrow on Patience, Changing, and I'm on 56k total draft for all the Patience things, including fluff prompts that will turn into a novella, and the existing novella The Patience of Hope.

So this might be a short-term thing, but guys. We made it. We made it. And I talked to my grandmother today about being autistic, and told her I think she's autistic, and she was fascinated by that, and was very autistic about it, and she asked all sorts of lovely questions.

And I debated something with someone who doesn't share my faith, and I failed in the debate because I didn't know enough to answer their arguments, but hey. That's okay.

That's okay. I'm okay. I'm planning for uni already. Gonna be a difficult semester, but even so. I'm excited for it. Excited! Something I haven't been, not really, for months and maybe years.

I leave you, then, with this excerpt from later on in the chapter:

You are whole, said the anonymous letter. You are whole, Patience, you are not broken.

this post was published on my blog, with minor edits.

Patience taglist:

@pilgrimsofworship

@stealingmyplaceinthesun

@noisette-tornade

@graycedelfin

@choasuqeen

[birgittesilverbae]

(Platonic) Mary + Lilith -> babygirl

Lilith looks up from her drink as Mary approaches the booth tucked in the back corner of the pub, and her face falls.

"Where's Shannon?"

"Gonna do my best to not be offended that I don't even rate a 'Hello'."

"Hello, Mary. Where's Shannon?"

"Something came up. It's just gonna be you and me."

"'Something' came up?"

"She's over at the house."

Lilith's jaw tightens, but she nods in understanding and tips her glass to Mary. "She always did like Beatrice better."

Mary pinches the bridge of her nose and takes a deep breath. "Okay. I'm gonna go grab a beer and you'd better have a handle on yourself by the time I get back." Lilith gives her a look she probably intends to be derogatory, but it just comes off as pathetic, and Mary sighs. "What're you drinking? I'll get you a refill."

"Double vodka soda."

Mary's nose crinkles in disgust, but she nods and goes to retrieve the drinks. As she waits at the bar, she takes the opportunity to observe Lilith unnoticed. In the weeks since Lilith moved out her cheeks have grown hollow, her clothes not fitting quite as closely. When the bartender passes her the drinks, she leans in to order a platter of nachos before heading back to the table. If nothing else, she can at least try to get some food into the girl.

"Is Libby okay?" Lilith asks the moment Mary returns to the table.

"What?"

"You said something came up–"

"Lilith, you know you'd have been the first call if it were about Libby. Bea's sick, so Shan's over there looking after her and Libby."

"I would have–"

"Bea didn't want to disturb Libby's routine anymore than it already is." Mary tried to keep the note of judgement out of her voice, but it sneaks in all the same. 

"Right." Her cheeks darkening, Lilith takes a healthy swig of her drink.

"Anyway, did you even tell her you're in town right now?" Lilith's grimace is enough to answer the question. "For fuck's sake."

"What was I supposed to say? 'I know I don't have Libby until this weekend, but I'm back in town so could I come see her'? You really think Beatrice wants to see me unscheduled?"

I do, actually, Mary wants to say, but she buries the urge. "No, I guess not." She picks at the label of her bottle with her thumbnail as Lilith rolls her fresh glass between her palms. "Sooo," she drawls finally, after the length of the silence has edged halfway towards uncomfortable, "how you been?"

Lilith fixes her with a glare. "You don't have to pretend as though you care, Mary. I'm perfectly fine sitting here in silence for however long it takes for you to finish that beer and check this off your honey-do list."

"I do care, for some godforsaken reason. And not just because I'm dating Shannon," she adds as Lilith opens her mouth to reply, "So you can get that outta your head immediately. I could've easily cancelled on you, alright. But I'm here, Lilith. Fucking talk to me. Because I know you, babygirl, so I know you've just been steeping in this like a rancid little tea bag."

"I can't be a little tea bag, Beatrice likes tea."

Mary has to pat herself on the back for the sheer strength it takes not to kick the little idiot in the shin. Instead, she takes a second look at Lilith, notes the looseness of her posture with a sinking feeling in her gut. "How much did you drink before I got here?"

Lilith starts counting on her fingers, then stops and shakes her head. "Not enough…?" she offers up. 

Mary reaches across the table and snatches Lilith's drink away from her. Warding Lilith off with a palm in her face, she downs the remainder of the drink and slams the glass onto the table. "Okay," she says, "here's how this is gonna go. You're gonna buy me another couple beers, we're gonna eat the nachos I ordered, you're gonna get half an hour of a sobfest on my shoulder, and then we're each gonna cab home and never talk about this again. Capisce?"

[m34gs]

For the fandom ask: 🧠🌂❄️!

Thanks for the ask friend!!!! (from this post)

This gets a bit long so under the cut she goes!\

🧠- What fictional character do you relate to the most?

Honestly, probably Jamil Viper from Twisted Wonderland. I get the whole "being told to put someone else ahead of you constantly" and being forced by parents to act like an adult at a young age. I'm an oldest daughter. I've been a caretaker since I was two and my sister was born. I was also raised in a Very Catholic household where I was taught to, as a girl, always anticipate the needs of others around me and plan ahead to take care of them. It's why, up until recent years, I was the friend with cough drops, tissues, granola bars, extra pads, napkins, and even possibly a bottle of water in my purse "just in case" someone else needed it. Not even for me. For the people I would be around, because I made sure my needs were met at home so that I *could* offer these things. Constantly feeling like you have to take care of someone else is exhausting and it's part of the reason I've hit burnout twice before the age of 30.

When I was younger, less experienced, and less aware of my own faults, attitudes like Kalim's in-game attitude that initially is very positive, very "things will work out", very "take things for granted because I've never had to experience what happens when they don't actually work out" came off as flippant and actually rude to me. People like that used to make me seethe silently. So, I get where Jamil was coming from. I'm much better at addressing my concerns and voicing my own needs and setting boundaries now, but it took me a lot of time to learn.

The need to feel wanted vs needed is another thing I share with him. Jamil is not used to being a First Choice. He's used to being Expected to Be There and Prepared. His brain does not, for a long time, believe when people say they *want* him there. He has to do things and he has to be reliable in order to maintain his presence in people's minds, or so he believes. He also has major fucking trust issues, which I also struggle with. I am the type to take on things on my own that could be a group effort simply because I don't trust people. I don't trust that people have my back in a lot of things. And yeah, I do have good reason for that. I've been burned metaphorically many times, and I've been betrayed by some of the people who are supposed to love me the most. But that doesn't mean everyone will abandon me or let me down, and that's something I've been working on realizing and internalizing since I graduated from my degree. It's a work in progress.

Jamil's character, plus the way Kalim acted when hypnotized, were so hard for me to face and so triggering to me that I couldn't do more than a couple chapters of book 4 at a time. It was a rough one for me, and I really think it's because I related so much to that particular story.

🌂- You have to choose three fiction characters to help you survive in the apocalypse, who are you picking?

Naofumi Iwatoni from The Rising of the Shield Hero: he's sarcastic and has dry humour, also a little dense at times so he'd be fun company. He knows how to work his ass off to get results and he refuses to let people pull one over on him. He *will* get his money's worth if he does a service for someone and he *does not* trust easily; so we're less likely to get conned by someone and more likely to manage resources well. He's also an Accidental Father and I love that so much. He can use his shield to analyze different plants/herbs/resources to figure out their components which can help with scavenging for foods and/or medicines. And then there's the fact his shield is a, well, a shield. he can protect.

Maki Oze from Fire Force: My strong girl! And she's super funny and kindhearted, but still works hard. She'd keep the mood lighthearted and be a big help with tasks like constructing shelter. She also has fire powers, which means there will be less issue of staying warm or figuring out how to cook things without electricity. Plus I just think she would be very fun to be around.

Nanashi (No Name) from Sword of the Stranger: Top tier fighter if you run into trouble. Smart and also very much will take money from a corpse or a thief who attempts to rob him, so resourceful. Also, will go on a solo mission to rescue you if you happen to get kidnapped to be sacrificed in a ritual for immortality. That's a Big Plus. And he's good with kids, in his own way.

❄️ - Character design that you admire

Gabriel from Malignant (2021), for more than a couple reasons. The first one is that they did such a good job convincing the audience that he was Separate from his sister, with the hair hiding his face and the bulky clothes and the way he moved he looked like a demon. The second is because he is literally *inside* his sister's skull. He literally cracks open her skull and moves the body backward when he's the one in control. Which is unnerving and so fucking cool to watch on screen. See, he was supposed to be removed as her conjoined twin because he was causing "issues" for the facility they were being studied in (read: he was a child who wanted to go home and be a family with his sister like other children but their mother gave them up and because he is physically different than most humans they treated the two of them like fucking lab rats) but they could not remove all of him without killing her so they took what they could and then sealed her skull over his part of the brain with his face inside (which is terrifying btw) and then proceeded to tell No One. This leads me into my next reason. Ok, so Garbriel and his sister, Madison, are *conjoined twins*. That would usually make them assigned the same gender at birth. *My* personal headcanon with this is that Gabriel is trans. "But Meags, they call Gabriel 'he/him' and Madison 'she/her' when they are just babies! Babies can't communicate pronouns when they are born!"; you are correct. For normal babies. Gabriel is canonically shown to not only be incredibly smart, but to also have some form of supernatural abilities (he can canonically manipulate electronic devices to communicate with words) likely due to the fact he was not able to do things on his own physically. Therefore, I believe that before he was even born he probably communicated to his mother in some telepathic form that he was a boy. I will slay anyone on this hill. You can pry Trans Gabriel from my cold dead hands.

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #1111: Cuddling Hedgehogs (Sonic)

11:16 a.m. at Amy's House's Living Room.......

TV: Oh Sasuke~ Just come back home soon, will ya?

Amy: (Cuddling Under a Blanket With Sonic While Sitting on the Sofa Together, Rolling her Eyes) Who wanna bet he he'll be gone for a month this time?

Sonic: I'll him two to three months tops.

Amy: (Turns to her Boyfriend) Oh come on, who would be that cruel and crazy enough to leave for THAT long? ('Sigh') Then again this is Sasuke we're talking about, so its possible.....

Sonic: Yep. That Sakura chick could've done a lot better honestly.

Amy: Right!? She has so many options and yet she chose to marry SASUKE of that people?

Sonic: (Shrugs) The guy been having good looks since his academy years.

Amy: (Starts Pouting) Good looks doesn't mean jack-squat when you go out betraying everyone you know in the village and try murdering your teammates more than once!

Sonic: (Speaks in a Sarcastic Tone) But Amy, Sasuke was their dear friend and teammate! And he's been through soooo much trauma too.

Amy: AND!? Naruto has been wrongfully hated by the entire Leaf Village ever since he was little boy, but you don't see him going around joining the Akatsuki to destroy it! That jerk should be lucky Naruto care enough not to put him behind bars for the rest of his dumb life.....

Sonic: Or have him exiled altogether. But yeah, Sakura should've married someone else. Like, Lee for example.

Amy: Oh my god, YESSSS! I don't care how bushy his brows are, Lee is such sweetheart and hard worker. (Looks Up at Sonic With a Smile on her Face) Kinda like you in a way.

Sonic: Seriously?

Amy: (Happily Snuggles onto Sonic) Yes, seriously!~ I mean, besides you being more lazy in comparison-

Sonic: Hey, I can be just as hard working as he can thank you!

Amy: (Forms a Teasing Smirk on her Face) Yeah, when laying around napping and eating chili dogs all day aren't involved.

Sonic: Taking naps are essential for having a relaxing day and don't you dare insult the exquisite masterpiece that are chili dogs

Amy: How are hot dogs covered in chili exquisite in any capacity?

Sonic: They looks and taste good obviously. And they're the town's favorite, so there! (Crosses his Arms With a Satisfied Smirk on his Face)

Amy: (Sighs While Rolling her Eyes) Anyways, while you can be such a lazy hog at times....(Smiles Softly) You're just as sweet and helpful as Brushy Brown was. And it's all the more reason why I've fallen over heels for you~ (Kiss Sonic on the Cheek)

Sonic: (Chuckles Lightly While Blushing a Little) Well, I'm glad I'm able to live up to the expectations with the handsome devil himself!~ (Grabs his Chin While Thinking) Speaking of which, you I would look good in that green suit of his or....nah?

Amy: I think so. (Starts Smirking Seductively) Not sure if you know this by now, but I just so happen to be fond of men in uniforms~

Sonic: (Smirks Back) Really now?~ Are you also fond of men giving you kisses all day long?~

Amy: (Giggles Softly) Yes please~

The couple leans forward to kiss one another on the lips, until the sudden sound of a ring tone startled them both.

'Follow me inside! Outside! Through the Stratosphere!~'

Amy: (Sighs Heavily While Pinching the Bridge of her Nose) Great........The meetings about to start.....

Sonic: (Raised an Eyebrow in Confusion) Meeting?

Amy: Remember that whole Resistance group me, Knuckles, and the others form a long while ago? Well, since then, we've been attending their meetings for some time, discussing how we keep the city safe from Eggman and other word level threats and most of which lasted for way too long that it makes me want to die!

Sonic: How long are we talking exactly?

Amy: Three to four hours. Five, whenever a heated debate starts. And the meeting is supposed be every Mondays and Wednesdays. What day is it today?

Sonic: Uh....Tuesday?

Amy: Exactly. So, tell me why we're having another today when we JUST had one last night!?

Sonic: Last night, huh? So that explains the bags under your eyes......

Amy: Yeah, hated how noticeable it is. ('Sigh') But there's really not much I can do right now, but to ao and-

Sonic: (Already on Amy's Phone) Wassup, Wassup! Sonic's the name, speed my game! And you've reached the house of the cute and awesome Amy Rose, who is not available at the moment. So please, be cool and leave her a message after the beep, will ya?

Knuckles: (On the Other Line) Sonic, what the hell are you-

Sonic: BEEEEEP BYE! (Quickly Ends the Call Before Letting Out a Relived Sigh) ('Phew') (Makes to Finger Guns With a Smirk on his Face) Piece of cake.

Amy: (Surprised by What Just Happened) Sonic, what did you just do!?

Sonic: Saved you from wasting three to five hours on another meeting. Now you get to spend the rest of the day relaxing and watching TV with yours truly.

Amy: You did all this for me?

Sonic: (Smiles Brightly) Of course! Now, i know it wasn't professional of me to up amd lie to them like that, i couldn't have my own girlfriend getting tired over some boring city meeting- (Immediately Gets Hug Tackled by his Girlfriend) -Oof!

Amy: (Happily Snuggles onto her Boyfriend) Ohh my sweet, darling, Sonic, I'll never forget this!~ Thank you so much!~ But you do realize Knuckles is gonna eventually kill the both of us, right?

Sonic: (Shrugs) Eh. We can deal with Knucklehead some other time. (Gives Amy a Seductive Smirk of his Own) In the meantime, don'tcha think we've got some unfinished business to start on right now?~ With only to the two of us can handle~

Amy: (Smirks Back) Come to Momma Rose~

The couple continues their cuddle session by snuggling and kissing one another on the kiss. For a moment it was a start of a very relaxing day for the both of them. That is until it came into screeching halt with a loud knocking sound.

'KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK'

Knuckles: (Outside on the Doorway) SONIC! AMY! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!!

Sonic: Or we can deal with him now apparently......

Amy: ('Sighs in Defeat') So much for our free time.....

Knuckles: QUIT MESSING AROUND AND OPEN THIS DOOR NOOOOOOOW!!!

@theweebmaster31

@keyenuta

@cyber-wildcat

@caleb13frede

@albion-93

[space-specs]

for the fanfic ask meme- 🎃 👀 🧠 (guy gardner bc i want you to talk about my blorbo)

🎃 Do you write fics for certain holidays? Which is your favorite holiday inspired fic?

I have yet to write any fics for any holidays (unless you count Pride Month, in which case, gonna promo my criticism of Devin Grayson's Jon Kent Pride story here). I may write a Christmas fic if I can ever get the time in the holiday season because it's fun. I also have a soft spot for Jewish batfam content, but I would need to do quite a bit of research before I wrote a fic for any Jewish holiday.

On that note, I'll rec some other people's holiday fics, lol.

Latkes and Other Fried Foods by metukah — a collection of very sweet and fun Hanukkah stories featuring the Bats!

Cherish The Present by Listentothelittlebird — part of a larger AU (Code Bat) that I love very dearly and will not shut up about. Fluffy Christmas content!

Holiday Trappings by Cloaked Sparrow — also part of a larger AU that I actually need to read the rest of. I stumbled upon this one and really enjoyed it. Jason is loves his family and fjdklfgjfkjfh also....gift-giving as a love language is my shit.

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

teehee, this one is fun because I have like 5 open wips + nearly 20 just snippets sitting around.

I'm behind on the Year of the OTP stuff, so I actually have two timberkon fics going at the same time (and I'm hoping I can finish one of them before the end of the month at least). March is a cryptid-hunting road trip fic and April is Kon being oblivious af and not realizing he's been dating Tim and Bernard for weeks because I think that trope is fun.

There's also my big Jason wip that I've been working on for over a year (this was supposed to be a quick thing and it got WAY out of hand). I have a lot of feelings about it, but the basic premise is Jason gets to Gotham and starts his whole plan, but the Bats kinda realize that while he IS killing people, he's definitely more vigilante than criminal and their goals kinda align. So they decided to just work with him rather than against him (because Bruce has an established history of working with characters with different modalities on killing, both in and out of Gotham). And then Jason goes "well, now what?" and just....fails to tell them that "hey, btw, I'm the dead Robin" for like a year while he bonds with them and also gets to see how his death changed things up close and personal. (I'm not kidding, I'm keeping a timeline for this for my own personal reference and we're up to 70% of a year now. Also over 20k words. Holy shit.)

But because it's YOU asking and you get to hear about most of my fics as I'm writing them, I will add a bonus of the summary of wip I have not really told you about:

His siblings all follow Bruce's no kill rule for one reason or another, but the realities of vigilante life is never nearly so black and white. Jason’s there to help with all the grays. Or, 6 times Jason hides a body from Bruce + 1 time he nearly finds out.

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them.

Oh, you want me to talk about your blorbo. I see how it is /lh.

Trying to think of something that isn't just straight up lifted from headcanons we've already discussed....hold on.

Being a GL isn't exactly conducive to having a stable job, so when he first starts out and is in space more often than he's Earth-side, he fills his time on Earth doing volunteer work with kids because he likes helping out and it gives him something to do for the like week he's back home. It doesn't really provide income, so he usually just crashes at other people's place. Hal, John, the jl:i peeps at some point, Oliver Queen on one memorable occasion. Eventually, he gets the bar and his own place, but he still tries to keep up the volunteer work when he can.

Speaking of the bar, to me, Guy's strength in the kitchen is his adaptability, and being a GL only enhanced that. Between having to figure out what makes for good eats on various alien planets and having to come home from long space trips to the 6 shelf stable items left in the pantry, Guy is something of an expert in turning a handful of mismatched ingredients into something enjoyable. This is in direct contrast to Hal Jordan, whose time as GL has just made him used to eating whatever, and now he has the most bizarre palette and will just throw together the strangest combinations and enjoy it. (Both of them have developed a keen sense for what kind of foods will keep their bodies fueled longer and their eating habits reflect that).

[annaphoenix1994]

Ch.55 - Across the Pond

Previous Chapter - Masterlist - Next Chapter

Simon, Kiera, and Teeter make their way to Manchester; Teeter and Soap reunite; Soap goes too far with poking at Simon about his past with women; Simon makes Soap regret it with an embarrassing story of his own.

February 9th, 2023 - 6:00 p.m.

"How long is this flight supposed to be again?" Teeter asked Simon from the back seat, her duffel bag doubling as an arm rest in the backseat of the truck. 

Simon huffed, "Nineteen hours with a four-hour layover in Denver, then an hour layover in Munich." 

"I took it upon myself to pack plenty of snacks for us, Teeter," Kiera giggled. "These are ones Simon won't steal from us." 

"What makes you think I won't?" 

"Because you're allergic to red food dye," Kiera arched her brow, watching him raise his in shock as he didn't expect her to remember his minor allergy as it was briefly mentioned months ago. "As for snacks for you, I packed your own bag of those high protein bars that you swear on." She smiled. 

"Thank you, love," He sighed. "I hope I had some of my favorites leftover." 

"You didn't, but I had the courtesy of buying some more for you," She smiled, reaching into the tote purse she kept nestled between her hip and the door, pulling out one of the vanilla protein bars that he loved to enjoy in the morning. "And to think you assumed I wasn't as observant as you." 

He chuckled, shaking his head while he drove, turning to look over his shoulder before merging into the right lane of the highway. 

"How's that baby in there, K?" Teeter asked. 

"Babies," Kiera corrected, smiling from ear to ear as she rubbed her belly. "Found out we have two of them in here." 

"Two of 'em?" Teeter gasped. "Holy shit! Boy and girl?" 

"We don't know yet. We were going to keep it a surprise." Simon answered. 

"You should have a gender reveal party," Teeter mused. "If ya do, I want to help!" 

"Okay," Kiera giggled. "I think that would be a good idea later on. What do you think?" 

"Whatever your little heart desires, love." 

"Awe, shit," Teeter giggled. "I'm so excited. Gah-dawg, you got two of 'em in there - I can't get over it!" 

"That makes two of us." Simon smirked, reaching over to graze his fingers against her belly. 

"So, I got a question for ye, Simon." 

"Yeah?" 

"So isn't the ball in London? But we're flying to Manchester. Where am I going to go? Ain't talked to Soap in a few hours..." 

"All of that's taken care of, lass." He smirked. 

"Really?" 

"Don't worry about it," He assured her. "There's a reason Johnny hasn't contacted you in a few hours. He's been doing some traveling of his own." 

*

The first quarter of the flight was nothing but exhausting. Granted, Simon ensured he flew first class when it came to Kiera's comfort as well as Teeter's, wanting them to be comfortable on a long flight to compliment the growing aches in Kiera's belly. 

He sighed as he put away his phone, growing bored of the show he was watching while Kiera slept, her bare feet resting on his lap while his comforting massaging gestures along her swelling ankles. "How're you feeling, love?" 

"Better than I deserve," She sighed, rubbing her tired eyes. "How long have we been flying?" 

"Few hours now. That layover went by faster than I thought," He sighed. "Just a couple of more hours until we're in Munich for our last layover." 

"Thank God," She sighed. "I think I've felt sicker being this high up in the sky. The last time I threw up was worse than at home." 

"I'm sorry, love," He frowned, gently moving her ankles off of his lap before he slowly removed the pillow from against her belly, replacing that warmth with his own as he squeezed his massive frame into the bed, feeling her nestle up against him as her hand splayed over his chest, her bare left hand rubbing his sternum softly. He covered her hand with his own, his thumb rubbing her bare ring finger as he mentally was counting down the days before he would ask the big question, still contemplating on how he was going to do it and make it as special as he could for her. "We'll be there before you know it." 

"I'm excited. Even though I may not sound like it, but I am." 

"It's because you're tired, love." 

"That I am," She yawned. "I wonder what Teeter is doing."

"A part of me doesn't even want to know. She's quiet and that concerns me."

"Well, considering she hasn't been field tackled by security and this plane is still in the sky, I think we're alright." 

"You have a point." 

Manchester, United Kingdom, February 10th, 2023 - 5:06 a.m.

"Alright, listen here, we're in England, Teeter. You can't let your freak flag fly here." Kiera giggled. 

"Hey, I don't plan to. Can't be gettin' myself into trouble here when I want to see my baby." Teeter nodded, grabbing her duffel bag and slinging it over her shoulder. 

"Thank God," Simon sighed, grasping Kiera's bag along with his to keep any unnecessary weight off of her. "Speaking of your baby, I think that's him over there." He nodded his head towards his friend, seeing him leant up against a car.

"Shit!" Teeter gasped. "My Johnny!" 

She sprinted, shocking both Kiera and Simon as they could never recall seeing her run that fast, watching her arms open as she closed the gap between her and Johnny, his arms quickly wrapping around her waist as he hoisted her feet off the ground, her legs wrapping around his waist as she peppered his entire face with kisses. "Momma missed you so much, baby. I ain't never wanna be this far from you again." 

He chuckled into the kiss, turning her hat backward on her head to avoid the painful press of its bill against his forehead, "We can arrange that." 

"Never thought I'd see you without that hawk, mate." Simon chuckled as he and Kiera finally caught up to them, both Simon and Johnny embracing in a friendly embrace. 

"Figured I'd let it grow out. Can't be sporting the fin when we're at this ball," Soap chuckled, stepping towards Kiera to embrace her, placing a friendly kiss to her cheek. "You look ravishing. Simon tells me you've got two in there, no?" 

"Yes." She nodded, giggling at the slight ping of Simon's jealousy for how Soap embraced her, remembering how he first talked about her when they all first met. 

"I'm happy for you, L.t. You deserve it." 

"Thank you. You sure I can trust you to drive?" 

"If I can trust you to drive, you won't have to worry about me." 

"I'm only asking for your sake considering she has precious cargo. Can't be reckless." 

"I'm well aware, L.t." 

Soap drove rather carefully along the streets of Manchester. Having only been there less than three times, he was rather surprised how he remembered how the layout of the main streets were. That, and he couldn't avoid Simon's demanding gaze through the rear-view mirror as if he were waiting for him to mess up - waiting on him to give Simon a reason to take over the steering wheel as Kiera slept, her head leaning against his arm as they shared the backseat while Teeter sat up front with Soap. "Where we stayin' at, baby?" Teeter asked him, continuing to look out the window as he drove. 

"Simon didn't tell you? We're staying with him-" Soap began to poke. 

"The hell you are?" Simon scoffed. "I'll be damned if I hear you two going at it in my house." 

"Oh, come on, L.t. It's not like I haven't heard you before in the barracks when we were younger." 

"What?" Kiera mumbled, only hearing the word barracks - instantly wondering who he could've slept with while she was on deployment with him, unaware that Soap was talking about years ago when he and Simon first began working with each other. 

"Shut up, Soap. Fuckin' hell," Simon scoffed. "That was years ago - when I didn't give a shit and was younger." 

Soap snickered, glancing over at Teeter as if he were saying 'watch this'. "Oh, this wasn't years ago, mate - not when you and I first went on a deployment together. Back in 2019 - you had women by the bushel." 

"That was years ago." 

"Still recent." Soap shrugged. 

"Simon - you were a man whore?" Teeter poked, setting her foot on the dashboard of the car.

Simon huffed at the nearly playful glare Kiera was shooting at him. "Old Ghost was definitely a ladies' man. Had all the women in our platoon kicking their feet and wondering when it was their chance next. All of us were quite jealous if I must admit. Didn't think you'd ever change. Now look at you: whipped." 

Soap knew he was pushing his buttons as well as getting Kiera riled up in her already-emotional state of raging hormones, enjoying the glare she was shooting at him, knowing that he had never seen Simon nearly cower at a woman's glare - fearing to make her mad as he would know the outcome. "All it takes is one person to make you want to better yourself. You should try it sometime." Simon retorted. 

"Teet, I'll make a bet right now: I bet there'll be at least one woman at this ball, aside from Kiera, that has been with Simon. When I'm telling you he had women by the bushel, he sure did. When he was home and when he was overseas."

"How much ye willin' to bet?" 

"Might as well not bet money, Johnny. Seems like you've spent it all on this car." He scoffed, avoiding the glare Kiera shot at him before looking out the window, desperately trying to ignore the thoughts of Simon being in bed with another woman haunting her thoughts, wondering how many times he's told other women the things he's told her:

"You're so beautiful, love." 

"I've never felt this way before." 

"Bloody perfect under me like this. I can't get enough."

"I'll bet dinner." Soap snickered. 

"Bet." Teeter chuckled. 

"Can you two shut it? I don't want to talk about this." 

"Oh, come on, L.t. It's in the past. Not like it's happened when you and her met. Unless...." Soap trailed off, unaware at just exactly how far his poking had extended to, crossing the line with not only innocent intentions, but cruel ones as well, his words causing Kiera to nearly lose it within her own emotions, the mental pictures of Simon being happy with another woman replaying over and over in her mind. How many women have you gotten pregnant that you haven't known about? Or what if you did know?

"How much have you been drinking?" 

"Just a bit o' Scotch - nothin' merciful," He waved his hand. "Why? You want some?" 

"Why the fuck are you driving if you've been drinking knowing she's pregnant?" Simon scoffed. 

"That was a few hours ago, Simon. Not recently. Christ." 

"Pull over. I'm driving. You don't know where the fuck you're going anyway." 

"Come on, L.t.-"

"Now." 

Soap did as he was told, finding a safe place to pull over before exiting the vehicle, taking Simon's spot in the backseat while Simon took over the steering wheel, taking every chance he got to check on Kiera, knowing exactly what was gnawing at her, hating that Soap had to even bring anything up in the first place, knowing that she was going to be thinking about it for the entirety of their trip - especially the ball. "How far we got left?" Teeter asked from the passenger seat, her gaze nervously looking over at Simon, knowing he was mad. 

"Twelve klicks." 

"What the fuck is that?"

"Roughly eight miles, Teeter." Kiera spoke up from the backseat, frustration coating her voice. 

Once outside of Simon's apartment complex, he parked the car and made his way to open the back door for Kiera, offering his hand to her as he knew she was sore from traveling, sure her feet were aching her far worse than how they were on the flight, relieved that she still took his hand instead of letting her inner thoughts consume her after what Soap had uncovered about him. She won't believe me when she asks, he huffed to himself. I just hope she knows I'm not like that anymore. 

"Love, I've got our bags-" 

"It's fine. I'm not incapable of carrying my own," She assured him with a sigh and weak smile. "I already know by that look in your eye that you're going to scold Soap for what he said and as much as I'd like to see that, I'm exhausted and ready for bed. I'd rather just go and forget about it." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Positive. I think I can find my own way to your room. Besides, I really have to go to the bathroom..." 

He nodded, removing his wallet from his back pocket and handing her the keycard for his room, frowning as he watched her walk away, contemplating on if he wanted to scold Soap now or wait until later. Not like he'll remember it anyway, he huffed. "Teeter, you should drive." 

"Why? He seems fine?" 

"With that strong shit he drinks and with how early it is, no, he's not fine," Simon scoffed. "I'll get my bags from the back and when I come back around, I'll give you directions." 

"O-Okay." 

Simon clutched his bag over his shoulder, making a quick check to ensure the ring was still in his toiletry bag he and Eva had discussed, knowing - hoping - that Kiera wouldn't find it before making his way to give Teeter directions, seeing that Soap was nearly on the verge of sleep after he relaxed into the passenger seat. "See? Told you." 

"He'll be sleepin' like a baby when I get done with him." Teeter snickered. 

"Yeah, and because of the shit he thought was funny to say, I'm afraid I'll be on lockdown from any type of contact for a while." Simon arched his brow at him. 

"Hey, I thought you always said it wasn't about sex when you'd talk about her?" 

"It's not, but when she's upset about something I did fucking years ago, she won't even let me touch her to comfort her." 

"Nah, she's pregnant - those hormones will have her climbin' you like a tree." Teeter poked. 

"You two just think it's so funny, yeah?" 

Both Teeter and Soap looked at each other before nodding, "Kinda."

"That so? Well, in that case, maybe I should tell you about that nan Soap railed against a toilet in a bar while we were in Mexico," Simon arched his brow, knowing the subject was tender for him as well as bitterly embarrassing. "But wait, you were drunk then too, huh?" 

"You don't have to say it so loud." Soap scoffed. 

"Say that again and I'll shout it to these poor blokes taking their morning stroll," He warned. "Not so funny now, is it?" 

"You screwed a woman against a toilet?" Teeter arched her brow. 

"I'm not sure if it was even a woman, Teeter," Simon hid a smirk. "After all, he was at a bar and "didn't know" about the drag race going on that night. I think he made his way through the backdoor on a man." He poked, finding generous humor out of it. 

"No, I didn't," He huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "I know I wasn't in an arse."

"Mate, that "woman" was too tall to be a woman. Her feet were bigger than mine. Did "she" even let you take her clothes off?"

"No." 

Simon winced, "See? Guarantee you railed a man." He chuckled at the thought.

"Shut up, Simon." 

"Why? Make you uncomfortable? Putting second thoughts into your head?" 

"No!" 

"Wait, how did you know there was a drag race going on?" Teeter questioned Simon. 

"Considering he was gloating about it the next day and when our Captain asked where he was, he said he went to a bar and Alejandro asked him which bar and proceeded to tell him that drag races go on every Saturday night. Now I'm starting to put together the puzzle as to why Soap was never seen on Saturdays for a while..." 

"I was on guard duty, bastard. That was only one time." 

"Keep telling yourself that, mate. I think you had the hots for a man. Now I'm worried about dressing up around you at the ball. Afraid you might spike my drink." He continued to tease. 

"No!" 

"Oh, that's right, because you know as soon as I walk away, she's going to ask you about it while you two make your way to where you're staying. Meanwhile, I have to explain to Kiera that I didn't screw other women within the time we met. Good luck, yeah?" 

"Let's just go," Soap huffed, ignoring the chuckle leaving Simon's chest. "I'll see you at the ball, L.t." 

"Maybe." 

"Why maybe?" 

Simon shrugged, "I'm not sure - perhaps it's that stark glare in your woman's eye that wants to skin you alive, but I could be wrong." 

"I hate you sometimes." 

"Should be most of the time, Johnny, but we'll get there." He scoffed. 

"It's too early for this shit." Teeter groaned, putting the car into gear. 

Fucking right, he thought, dreading the conversation that would follow if Kiera decided to question his actions long before they even met. I wouldn't think it matters what I did in the past? All that matters is what's happening now?

"Yeah - too early to find out Soap goes both ways, I understand." Simon sighed sarcastically, pleased at how flushed Soap's face flushed, immediately regretting ever attempting to push his buttons. 

"I do not! My street only goes one way: stra-"

"Both." 

"Even if I was, I wouldn't have my eyes on you." 

"That's right, because I'd gouge them out for looking at me that way." 

"Shit," Soap scoffed, shaking his head. "I wouldn't look at you anyway like that because I'm not gay. You keep talking about it - you might be gay for me, L.t." He poked, arching his brow at his pathetic attempt to turn the tables back on him. 

"Nah, not me. I'd have to lower my standards if you thought I was attracted to you, mate," He waved his hand. "Besides, I've got a gorgeous woman waiting on me in my room and I have a big question to ask her in a few days. I have to fix this mess you caused before I do that, so if you excuse me, I'm going to tend to her while you wonder which lane you choose while you're probably thinkin' about that "woman" you screwed in Mexico, yeah?" He snickered, watching Soap pout as he avoided eye contact with Teeter, knowing it was awkward between them. 

"I'll see you at the ball." 

"You might - if she doesn't kill you first." 

Soap huffed, "Just... Don't bring this up to her. She won't let me live it down and especially don't remind Price." 

"I forgot I was supposed to give a shit?"

"Fuck off." 

"Remember what I said a long time ago about an English welcome? I'm about to give you another one." He warned, recalling the night he and Soap were sent to follow Kiera before the raid on Sin Nombre's party - how Ghost had punched him in the ribcage for looking at what was his long before she ever was. 

"My ribs still hurt from that." 

"They're about to hurt again." 

[pbandjesse]

I have a really bad migraine right now but thankfully I am home. So I can just be a lump in bed and rest in the AC. I am really happy to be home right now.

And it wasn't a bad day. It was just really warm. I was just covered in a light layer of sweat all day. I drank a lot of water but I still really felt dehydrated. Which is probably why I have the migraine now. It started in the afternoon. But for most of the day I was fine.

I had trouble falling asleep last night. I don't think I fell asleep until 1:30. And it wasn't a bad sleep. I woke up at 6:00 and was a little unhappy about that but I felt okay. And then I blinked and it was 8:00. I have no idea how quickly I fell asleep.

It took me a while to get up and get myself together. But that was fine. I knew I wanted to wear my Hawaiian pants today. For Hawaiian shirt Wednesday. And I had my biscuit but I had a bad taste in my mouth and it didn't really like the jelly that I had. It was like mixed fruit and I did not enjoy that. But it was fine.

Tatiana came again today and it turns out she did not have the loom. So I have no idea where the 12th one went. She looked at me like what and tried to look around same way I did and neither of us can find it So I'm just assuming a child took it. And it's gone. Which sucks but I ended up just continuing using the cardboard looms today and the kids really liked it and so honestly in the end it worked out.

We had two groups this morning and they did a good job. We had top bar and then pioneers. We finished girl week and we start boy week. And the boys were good. Everyone seemed to try pretty hard for the most part. And I enjoyed everyone's company. It was a good day.

And lunch was an actual meal. I did not get the vegetarian option because it was just the same sad sandwich from yesterday. So I had a very good salad because they finally had hard boiled eggs. And I had that and pasta salad and tater tots and we finally finished the special week ketchup. So I texted James because I knew they were going to get groceries. And they would get us a new bottle.

My afternoon groups were again very early for some reason. And I decided to make a sign for the door because they were 15 minutes early and just came through the building to the back and they were like we're here and I was like no no go do something else. But then it turned out that they weren't even the right day camp group and weren't even supposed to be there! My actual day camp group came on time. Cuz then all of a sudden both of them were there and I was like what is happening. And they're counselor came and took them away because it was their CIT that had misread the schedule I guess. But the day campers did really good and it was fun and then we had a little break to reset and Ty came over so I could help him finish his loom knit hat.

Which actually looked really good! It's a little small for how big his hair is but I was really proud of him. We're going to work on sewing next week so we'll see how that goes. And we both have tried to talk about how we're going to try to stay positive and that our materials are coming and things are good. We're going to try our best to be positive. Things will get better.

I had stockade next and they were very good. The curse too much but they're very funny. And they were very sweet. I got to do a lot of sewing and talking to them about stuff and teaching them bracelets. And I enjoyed chatting with Quan and I showed him the camp TikTok I made last night. Which took me a while because I had to make sure I cropped as many kids out as possible but there's one clip where the kids are in the background so I'm hoping those are okay. I'm going to try my best to make sure my angles are better next time. But Quan gave me a cookie and my headache was right behind my eyeballs but I was still having a nice time.

My last day camp group was fun and I had double-checked that horses was not coming this week so I could go home right after my last group. I got their blooms all finished up and showed them how to tie things off and they helped clean up and then they headed out.

I went to the office to let them know I was leaving and to sign out in our little book and I also wanted to just let them know how great Tatiana is doing and how helpful she is and Heather told me that Tatiana was considering taking some AP classes this summer but instead she decided she's going to stay with me and I just think that is so sweet. So even if she is taking away from my sitting in the dark time I really do appreciate her and her tapestry that she worked on today is so good! She put four of the nail looms together to make it and she really is taking to it and I love that so much. I love when people find art that they really enjoy. She's talking about making blankets and stuff too. So proud of her.

After I talk to Heather and Alexi about the art building flooding for a little while longer I let them know I was going to go home. And that my head hurt and I just needed to be in my house for a while and they understood and I said goodbye.

I did get stuck behind that can't bus for a couple minutes but I got out of there and got on the highway. There wasn't really any traffic. I let James know I was coming home and they were going to order pizza for us and they did but then they canceled because the place had no delivery driver so James had to reorder and then walked to the place. I wish I would have caught that text because I just would have went gotten them.

But once I got home I took a shower and that helped me feel a lot better. I still had the headache but it wasn't quite as uncomfortable.

I open the mail and I had a little gift that I had gotten for James come and romper that I ordered. And soon James was home with pizza and I ate that in bed and now James is recording their podcast and being sweetp are laying in the air conditioning.

Sweetp is looking at me with so much love in his eyes and it's so cute. He misses me so much I think! And I hate that he seems so sad about it but he loves me so much when I come home and that is so nice. Even if he is stinky I still am glad that he is next to me.

I'm riding my post early because my head hurts so much and I don't want it to get worse So I'm going to try to get off my phone for a while. I hope you guys all have a great night and I hope tomorrow is fun and not a sweaty. Good night everybody. Have fun out there.

[joshuaorrizonte]

Find the word tag!

I was tagged by @on-noon with the words pocket, mock, attack, knock, and pack!

Tagging @livvywrites @justwriteyoudummy @raevenlywrites @emelkae and @kyofsonder with the words love, death, drink, hands, and hurt!

Pocket

Not in the text

Mock

“Fair enough. You’re in a different wing than I am, but I’m sure we can track down a servant who can point you in the right direction. C’mon.”

She left her books and gestured for me to follow her, and I did so. We wandered back down the hallway and nearly ran headlong into Mika, Drake's brother. “There you are,” he said, deep relief in his bronze eyes.

“Mom already sent the cavalry out after me?” I asked, a bit annoyed.

“Already? She said it's been an hour, and it's the middle of the night besides. Let's get you back to your rooms so you can get some sleep, you look so tired.” His gaze turned to Serra, and I could see a hint of hostility in his gaze. “Thank you for finding him. I've got it from here.”

“As you wish, General Regent.” She gave a mocking bow and turned, going back to the library.

Mika watched until she was back inside the doors before putting a hand on my shoulder. “Do you need to talk about anything?”

Attack

Joshua sighed. “Evan.” My blood ran cold at the name. I didn't need to research. Evan was said to have attempted to destroy the world to end all suffering. He couldn't be stopped by mortals, and he couldn't be reasoned with. He believed that life itself was nothing but suffering and resented that he had been brought into existence against his will. He was determined to not let mortals suffer the same fate. I didn't know what to do with this information, and so I simply stared at Joshua, wide-eyed and silent. Joshua seemed to understand that I was waiting for him to say something further, and so he said, “It's entirely possible that Serra didn't know this would happen. You're right, we have no evidence that she was acting in bad faith. “I'm not saying that she's definitely our enemy, just… we need to be careful. Very, very careful. If she meant to release Evan, we're going to have two demigods actively trying to destroy us all. And…” He seemed to hesitate to say his next words. “And I'm worried about you, uncle. You're not strong enough to fend her off if she attacks you.”

I suppressed an irritated response. “I control Infinity, Joshua.”

“And she's only half-dragon. Just… humor me. Please.”

I sighed heavily. “Fine, but no one's going to be armed.”

“That's—that's acceptable, I suppose.”

Knock

I found Aninala in her room. She answered the door quickly when I knocked and gave a little “Oh!” of surprise when she saw me. I gave her what, I hoped, was a reassuring smile. “How is Gareth doing?” I asked, trying to break the ice.

“He's… he's doing fine,” she said hesitantly. She seemed to debate something in her mind, then said, a bit stronger, “He wants to spend more time with you. I really wish you'd seek him out.”

I grimaced. There was something more to her words than just telling me that Gareth wanted to get to know me, and it was unfair. But I had bigger things to worry about at that moment. “Yes, well, now that you mention it, I will plan to have dinner with him tonight. But meanwhile, I'm… going to have a meeting I want you to be at.”

My words surprised her. “What about?”

“It might take a while to explain. Can I come in?”

Pack

“I'm alright,” I murmured, not sure if I was. I felt so weird, and now I wasn't sure it was all excitement and tension. My hand was shaking and my head felt hot against my palm. “I--I think I'm getting sick,” I murmured. “I don't feel right.”

“It's just excitement,” Alex said, although there was concern in his voice and hazel eyes.

Anna reached over and pressed her wrist to my forehead. She shook her head as she pulled away. “No, I think he's getting sick,” she murmured. “We better take you home. Alex, can you take care of the bill?”

Alex nodded hastily and rose, jogging to the bar to pay for their drinks. Anna gathered their books, stuffing them into their packs, then helped me to my feet. “I'm fine,” I protested, shaking her hands off. The motion made me dizzy and made me doubt that statement.

“You're allowed to admit when you don't feel good,” Alex said, returning. The three of us wandered out into the brisk twilight, and Alex shielded his eyes with his hand, looking west towards the sinking sun. “It's getting late, anyway. I'm surprised they allowed you to leave.”

[nardonotes]

22 sep '24

4:00am

HOLY BUTT FUCK!!!!!! I AM SO FUCKING TIRED!!!!!!!! SO MUCH HAPPENED IN THE LAST DAY.... FUCK....... lemme tldr; 。°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°.

so friday morning, i went to see my friend, my good ol' friend i mentioned an entry ago- and we had coffee till the cafe closed (we always go there, it's a really nice place) and it was soooo fucking hot that day, I had to wear shorts. i was supposed to go home at around 6pm but it's supposed to be the last time i'm seeing them so i decided to stay out and drink with them and our other friend from college. i ended up getting a pint from this really nice craft beer place. THEN!!! there were events around the city cause college just started, you know how it is with these youngins..... but yk before we went to the bar with our other friend- my good ol' friend and i went to their house, dropped their wittle doggie home, and walked to this campus about 5 minutes away and talked while the sun set. we had a crazy view and it was so beautiful man like it was one of those sunsets that made you emotional. i even took a pic of it with my film camera and then i told my friend to get in the picture and i took a pic of them with the sunset and it felt so bittersweet (╥﹏╥) i dont really get the chance to do that with my friends cause my closest friends like to be home early and whatnot,, so it was sooooo nice to do that and just talk about our lives and our relationships and girls and just be fr

anyways, the reason why we went to the campus was because there was supposed to be an event there that we decided to just stop by and see but it turned out it was a whole ass PLAY!!! we didn't see it cause what the fuck!!!!!! so we went to the bar and met with our other friend ( ∩´͈ ᐜ `͈∩) it was so fun. im glad i stayed out instead of going home early. THERE WERE some mishaps along the way but not on me more on my friend and i felt bad for them but it's okay cause we're going to talk about it some more on tuesday after my classes.

i got home at midnight and was on call with julie for like HOURS!! TILL 6-7AM!!!!! im so glad still though because i missed talking to julie and it was so fun and funny,, we got to talk about so much things. i feel like i hadn't talked to julie like that in YEARS!!!!!

AND THEN TODAY- i woke up at 3pm, bought THE WRONG INK FOR MY PRINTER (´•︵•`), bought a new journal, did some work (didn't finish them because i got distracted while being on call with oomfie, and now i am watching bob's burgers. im going to play some apex after like literally a match, and then im going to fucking sleep i am literally so tired i feel sick...

GOODNIGHT TO ME!!!!!!!!! and my precious friends i guess!!!!! <333

song of da day: Never Knew I Needed by NeYo

[ghostjelliess]

My proudest moment of 2023:

I went back to MI for my cousin's wedding in November (we'll call her cousin A). I was supposed to go back in the summer but a surgery got moved up, so I couldn't go back until the post-op check-up, and that got moved at the last minute to the day before my flight, and involved a small but unexpected procedure. So I trudged back to a place I left immediately at 18 with a whole bag of drugs (amox and Ibuprofen mostly).

I knew I was going back as a kind of personal test. I've worked a lot on myself in the past few years and I hadn't seen my family in a while. I talk to my sisters all the time, but only one of us gets along with our parents. My older sister came home with me and all us sisters stayed at a sister's house. It was a sister party!

My fiance did not come with me, because I wanted to see how well I've recovered, and because he had work stuff, and we made a fun list of reasons he didn't come for the wedding reception. He has great taste and helped me, who is normally at my desk in flannels and a hoodie, hair in a bun, pick out the baddiest of baddie mafia chic outfits. It was a country wedding at the gun club I've been to a million times, and I flew in from Boston in strappy heels, a silk bustier top, and the perfect black pantsuit. I got so many drunk compliments from aunts and uncles that I really look like an East Coast girl now, I genuinely looked like I walked out of a Pinterest cover pin for some Wattpad GL story. My favorite part was when I told them my fiance picked out the outfit and the aunts got jealous cus their husbands would NEVER and the favorite uncles gave that approving nod cus they already liked him (we're going in 13 years), or my sister whining that I'm not allowed to out bi- her when I'm already engaged.

Okay, you've got the scene. I'm chatting with sisters and their girlfriends/husbands, and cousins, and we get sent to the home-made buffet line. One of my younger sisters is in front of me, I'm signing the guest book with her and her quiet husband, talking about hockey. We're squished in the narrow space between the long banquet tables and the guest book table, waiting our turn to enter the narrow doorway into the next room with the buffet. From the other end of the hall, cousin B begins walking our way.

Cousin B is the brother of cousin A, the only grandson out of 15 grandkids. He is my mother's godson. He [sa] @ssaulted me when I was 14 and I found out two years later that he @ssaulted my sister as well (the one standing in front of me). My family handled it poorly as parents (great as siblings, tbh). My dad holds a quiet grudge, my mom and everyone else in that family pretends nothing happened. When my fiance first met my mom's family, cousin B still tried to talk to me. I was like a deer in headlights. I was taking MMA classes and I was judging whether I could take him, we're a football family, but it was my Dziadzia's birthday. My fiance offered to punch him in the parking lot if I wanted (honestly, the sweetest thing he could have said at the time, and when I said no, he dropped it and offered to take me to another restaurant instead, what a guy). In college freshman year, my mom, fully aware of the assaults, was supposed to pick me up, but cancelled last minute and said Cousin B was on his way home from his own school and would be passing through to pick me up. I didn't speak a word, I was livid. Cousin A has said she thought my sister was being dramatic about the past, and when my sister invited cousin A and B to her wedding, she called me to explain that it was her choice and that she saw her forgiveness as a freedom, but she still got choked up and I think my mom convinced her. When I told her I am more spiteful and not inviting them to mine, she said "good." When cousin B tried speaking to me at the bar at her wedding, I was still trapped in those convenient social expectations and I didn't want to make a scene, I took my wines and left, but I felt sick. Shameless, all of them. I hated the pretending.

I knew cousin B was going to be there, with his wife and kids, the favorite because he was the only male in a traditional Midwest country family. I knew and my fiance knew, and I was dressed for the moment. Cousin B was walking toward us, that stupid plastic pretender smile on his face, empty cup in hand, and my sister's shy husband did the cutest thing. He stepped back just a few inches, so she was directly beside him, no longer in the direct line of sight, I dunno, it was cute. I don't see them much, so those little things mean a lot.

Unsmiling, I looked directly at cousin B, up, down, unimpressed. I didn't mean to, this was not a planned encounter, but apparently my expression was scary, like a dare my sister said, a psycho challenge, the "manifestation of the thumbs down emoji" according to another sister. I was disgusted and I did not hide it. I no longer belonged to the pretenders.

Cousin B stopped in his tracks, shuffled back a step, looked at his cup, back at me still staring, down at his cup, then turned and walked back to the dark side of the room, weaving awkwardly between the long empty tables with no excuses. I was not pretending, so he had no power. There was no shame in his face, but there was a hint of fear, and all I thought was good.

I told my fiance later that night, so proud of all the ways I no longer fit there, even though some were uncomfortable and others were sad. He said that's why it's called a power suit, and also that's why sometimes I'm scary to strangers. It's not always because I studied dead people, sometimes it's because I look like I could kill them and get away with it if I didn't hate having sticky hands so much. That's more or less a direct quote, and also one of many reasons why he is my fiance even though I think weddings are dumb.

It was still a rough trip. I found lots of cracks to fix. Coming back to Boston, I was all moody for three weeks, acclimating back to the direct communication and struggling against the ease of reading midwesterners so used to pretending. I still have a habit of hiding instead of pretending, but damn if that unmasking didn't feel good. Here's to more moments of uncomfortable authenticity in 2024, use those expressions, be the thumbs down emoji, boo people in public when they're mean, don't smile when you don't want to. I don't want to punch my cousin anymore, because laughing in his face was so much better, but I wouldn't hesitate to do it if he showed up at my wedding uninvited or walked toward my sister like that again. I may be balancing on the high road for now, but when you take away that pretender barricade, it's pretty easy to jump over the edge, slide down the ravine, and uppercut a loser still reliving his HS football glory days, and that's the kind of freedom and power I'm bringing into this year.