#and i need to make myself do laundry tomorrow or tonight

[quiveringdeer]

when you've been around ppl all day but need to grab something from the store so you sit in your car in the store parking lot trying to mentally gear yourself up to brave even more humans 😔

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

I... I'm crying. People are so nice. So fucking nice and kind and lovely. Someone sent me money just now with the message "Get yourself a pizza." I'm literally in tears rn. Thank you, whoever you are. I love you, I love you, I love you. I've barely been out of bed, let alone eating right.

[orcelito]

Ok no I'm not being edgy I'm going to have fun tonight and clean and have a great time

[boredzillenial]

F.A.F.O.

You find out the hard way that you are not safe hiding behind a screen, not from these three.

Themes: Afab!reader, teasing/sexting shenanigans, oh no if it isn’t the consiquences of my own actions

A.N.: this is just somethin’ short and sweet in a new style for me. Hope y’all enjoy!

Hiya! It’s Steven. 🥰 Hope the bus ride from our flat to your work wasn’t too bad. How was your day?

Hi sweetheart, today was really challenging. I couldn’t focus for the life of me…

Aww why not 🥺

Was too distracted thinking about you…

Me? I’m sorry love ❤️ did I do something wrong?

It’s more like you did something a little too right last night 😘

Oh… Yeah? ☺️ Was nervous to try that but you were amazing.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day today, even now… 💦

You’re… right now? 😳

You’ve got me so wet. I don’t know if I can wait till this weekend to see you… I think I may have to take care of this myself when I get home 😉

What?! Wait I’m off today I can help! Can i come over? 🥺

No Steven, I don’t think I’ll be able to focus the rest of the week if I see you again tonight. Just need to knock this out.

Knock it out? Love I can make you feel so good please 😣

Do you remember where you put my vibrator? I haven’t seen it since the last time you three were over here.

Darling please let me come over. I promise we can be quick 😩

No no no, naughty boy. You’d beg me to stay, and I just can’t tell any of you no when you’re here.

Please I need to see you 😣 I need to… I need to feel you.

You gotta wait till tomorrow. Here this will tide you over. 😉

Image sent.

Oh love….

Please let me come over 😭

Is that not enough? I think this one should be better 😘

Image sent.

Love I can’t

Can’t what baby 😉

You think you’re funny?

I don’t know what you’re talking about Steven 😘

Try again

..

Marc?

..

Strike 2

Jake…

Bingo 😈

Jake - Steven and I were just joking around!

Image received

Does this look like a joke? 🍆

Jesus Christ… Are you gonna handle that for Steven?

No, you are.

Jake you’re all the way across town. I’ve got work in the morning.

You have 30 minutes to call out of work for tomorrow and be ready for us.

Us?

You’ve gotta deal with me.

Marc says he wants a word with you too. 😉

Then you can make it up to Steven.

Jake do NOT come over here!

..

Jake seriously I can’t have you over right now I’ve gotta work tomorrow!

And I’m serious. You’ve got a few minutes you better call your boss now amor.

Jake! I’m doing laundry and catching up on chores tonight you gotta stay home.

..

Jake I’m serious!

Call denied

Just talk to me Jake, don’t come over

..

Unlock the door for me sweetheart, I’m here

Oh you must think I’m crazy

Image received

IS THAT MY VIBRATOR?! 😠

Open the door and find out 😘

———————

MoonKnight Bingo Masterlist

Taglist: @moonknight-events @melodygatesauthor @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @ominoose @romana-after-dark

[robinismywifee]

lust, not hatred || e. williams

pairings dealer!ellie williams x fem!oc/reader

summary ellie and aime never got along, but ellies best friend, dina, is aimes roomate so they have to be around each other alot. blah blah blah, ellie makes aime go to a party with her, lets just say ellie gets jealous (1st p.o.v)

warnings NSFW, fingering (r. receiving), cunnilingus (r. receiving), pet names (princess, brat, slut, good girl), kinda kinky ellie (spanking, she thinks reader belongs to her????), drinking, smoking weed

a/n part 2 is up!

wordcount 4.2k

i unbuttoned my jeans, slipping out of them, i could already feel her burning gaze on my neck.

i pulled of my shirt too, throwing the clothes into my laundry basket, i turned to my closet, it had a mirror on it and i could see ellie on dinas bed, sititng with her legs spred out not even hiding her stares

i looked at her through the mirror shaking my head, "what are you even doing here? dinas not gonna be back until like midnight" i scoffed, as i opened the closet and grabbed shorts, slipping into them but still in my bra

"are you deaf? i already told you" she said, annoyed by me being annoyed, or maybe just my presence, "yeah, well im gonna be here when she gets back why don't i just have her text you?" i wanted my room to myself, dina was at a party, i had classes early and although it seemed tempting, dancing like nobody else is in the room with dina while my eyes are red from the weed, i could do it literally any other day

"youre gonna pass out as soon as your fat ass hits the bed" she said, making me roll my eyes even though she couldnt see them as my back faced her, "okay then just- come back at like 2am to see her alive and well" i shrugged, getting on my tippy toes to pull out a white tanktop from the top of my closet

i unclipped my bra, letting the cold air fill my breasts, i tossed the bra into the basket, slipping on my tanktop.. if i was in my room, i dont care whos in it, im changing, i mean, i face the other direction if im going completely nude like how i just did so ellie couldnt see my tits, only my bare back, but in plain bra and underwear, who cares, its just as if i was wearing a bikini

i turned around, noticing the tanktop was much tighter and lowcut then i had thought, but once again it didnt really matter, its just ellie, as much as i hated her im comfortable around her, i know shes not gonna try anything weird like that

"can you honestly just shut the fuck up and go to sleep? my roomate blasts terrible music while she studies and she has a test tomorrow theres no way im going back in there" she complained

"dude, i dont care, its my room, not yours" i folded my arms, "its dinas room too and she said i could be in here anytime i wanted, and why do you want me to leave so fucking much? i always crash" ellie questioned, "i- i jus- i- it doesnt fucking matter! just-" i stuttered, suddenly feeling embarrassed.. usually i don't care if she stays over, i just block her out and ignore her even being there, but i was really horny today and planned tonight out already.

"what? was some guy supposed to come over or some shit?" ellie asked, suddenly feeling interested, "no! just-" i sighed, trying to come up with a lie but settled on changing the topic, "if you're gonna be here, do me a favor and shut up"

"nah, i wanna know, what were your wednesday night plans princess?" her voice raised a pitch, she leaned forward as i stood a few feet infront of her, "why do you care so much?" i scoffed, "and why arent you at the party?" i added, trying to change the topic

"you know how it is going to a party with dina and jesse, im just gonna be alone the whole time with people trampling asking for weed" she shrugged, "dont you want people asking?" i asked, referring to the business side, "yeah but i dont need to go to parties every fucking day"

"whatever" i mumbled, falling to my bed, i pulled out my phone and was about to go to tiktok when she spoke up again, "you never answered my question"

"if i tell you will you go the party?" i asked raising my head, "uh.. fuck" she whispered, "fine" she said which suprised me enough to sit up and ditch my phone, "only cause i was already thinking of going" she added, "yea right" i mumbled, "so? you gonna tell me or just sit there?"

"i was just- just.." i scratched my neck preparing for her future comments, "i told jason he could come over specifically because i had the dorm to myself- and dont start williams because ive been talking with him for like a month now, and i know you do it all the time with cat" she laughed

"i dont" she said with a smirk, "shut the fuck up, yes you do" she stood up, "not with cat, that was like a 1 time thing" she said casually, walking over to grab her shoes, "yeah all your things are a one time thing" i grumbled, basically implying she was a whore, she stopped her tracks, and walked to the edge of my bed infront of me, "get up" she said in a stern voice,  i shook my head, she didnt like that answer, she pulled my wrist and shoved me to my closet, "get dressed" she ordered

"get dressed? fuck off im not going anywhere" i said in disbelief, "youre coming with me, now get fucking dressed" she said, looking down at me, "says who? im not going with you, leave me alone!" who does she think she is?

ellie took a step closer, she didnt even say anything, just gave me that look that made me tense up, "holy fucking shit, fine" i let out my breath, and untensed as she smirked, proud of her abilities, "but only if you give me free weed" i added, "whatever, just hurry up"

"hurry up? i just took off all my makeup let me do  like basic makeup first" i said, moving to my vanity, she sighed, "i swear to god"

"you're the one whos making me go, just sit on your ass and watch south park of something" i said, getting out my makeup, "oh, can you actually put that on?" she asked, i didnt reply, but complied by taking my remote off my desk and tossing its at her, my tv was facing my bed only so she had to move from dinas bed to mine, i watched through my mirror her getting comfy under my blankets with my squishmellow bat, i didnt realize until i looked back to myself that i was smiling, i instantly dropped it, shook my head at myself feeling disgusted, and started my makeup as southpark filled the room.

"jesus, took you long enough" ellie mumbled as i got out of my chair, "it took one episode of south park, thats not even long dumbass" i shot back, picking up the remote from her lap and turning it off, "help me pick an outfit" i ordered, opening my closet

"you dont need to dress up its not a special party, just put on jeans" she said, i was slightly leaned over searching for clothes when once again i could feel her eyes on the back of me, i turned around and saw that her eyes werent up on my back, but lower, "stop being a perv" i said as she looked back up to me, still laying in bed snuggled with the blankets, "not my fault you were bent over in booty shorts"

i shook my head, "okay well im not wearing jeans cause its hot" i said outloud, "so which skirt?" i moved over showing her the ray of skirts "whichever one shows more skin" i turned to her squinted my eyes and turned back around trying to make a decision as she was no help

"i think maybe just a plain black one, right? oh how bout these?" i pulled out, turning around holding a skirt to my waist

"mm, yea that looks short, do that" she agreed, for different reason, i sighed, "whatever. fix my bed and get your shoes on" i pointed, as i changed into the skirt

she stayed silent, doing what i asked, fixing my bed to how it was before, i had already put on my shoes and waited for ellie to do so, once she did, she stood up and went to her bag, she shuffled around a bit before pulling a bottle of my favorite vodka with a smirk

my mouth was ajar, "what! can i- can i please have some?" i asked with a head tilt, i rarely had this vodka, it was super expensive.

"yeah dummy thats why i bought it" she said, sitting back down on the edge of my bed, i bit my lip to hide my smile, but it didnt work as i smiled too big, i walked over to her sitting right next to her, i was too excited to notice i had sat so close that our theighs were touching

"w- why do you have this? dont you usually get fireball whisky?" i said, looking down at the belvedere bottle, a laugh escaped her lips, "yeah, they didnt have any at the store so i thought i'd get your vodka- why are you so amazed by it?" she smiled looking down at me

"couldnt you just gotten some other whiskey? i mean you got MY vodka? this is-" i let out a sigh, "can we take shots already?" i asked looking up to her, she laughed, "yeah, here you can have the first shot" she passed it over to me, i shook my hands excited before taking the bottle, opening it with a pop noise, i unscrewed the cap and smiled more, "cant we do it at the same time? here" i handed her the bottle, it felt weird taking shots alone, i went to my shelf and took off two shot glasses, i bit my lip as i handed her them, taking the vodka back and poured us the glasses, setting the bottle on my bedside table

"okay ready?" i smiled, she laughed as she nodded, "3, 2, 1" i said, and at the same time we brought our lips to the cup and tilted our heads back, downing the clear liquid

i giggled, as we both set our glasses down, "oh my god! im so happy right now i could kiss you" i smiled, we both looked at eachother for a moment, too long of a moment, i felt something in my stomach, but i cleared my throught, and began pouring more liquid, blaming the feeling on the drink.

we ended up taking a bit more shots then intended, but here we were, arrived at the party

we walked in together, shoulder to shoulder, the guy who owns the house, ky, threw a lot of parties, he was a senior, ive been to so many parties here that i knew the layout of his big house

a song i didn't recognize played, but that didnt stop me from feeling in the mood to dance, me and ellie were definitely different drunks, i dont know what was going through her mind when she was drunk, but for me, right now at least, all i wanted to do was dance and enjoy the music

"ellie, ellie, ellie!" i shook her arm, she hummed a reasponse, we has made it to the kitchen and she began to pour us cheap vodka into red cups, normally she would drink beer but i guess she wanted to get drunk tonight like how i did

"can we, pleaseeee, please, please, dance?" i pressed my hands together as if i was praying, "shit, please beg more" ellie licked her lips, sipping her drink, "oh my god! just- lets go, and i bet dina and jesse are dancing we'll probably find them" i said, pulling ellie by her wrist into the 'dance floor'

as i dragged her, big poppa by biggie played, "yes! i love this song" i pulled her close to me as we joined the people dancing, "i really dont want to dance aime" ellie said with a stern face, "oh come on! you never dance, it'll be fun, just pretend like im the only one in the room, trust me, oh and literally everyone around us will not remember anything in the morning so it doesnt even matter" i explained to her, she seemed nervous, but nodded

people gave us weird looks, usually we would be on different sides of the room, we never were seen together alone, so us not only being alone together, but with smiled and dancing?

i moved my hips to the beat, my hands on ellies shoulders her hands on my waist, my front grinding against hers as i sang the song, she seemed to loosen a bit, her eyes connected to my body

i saw a smirk form on the corner of ellies mouth, and before i knew it, her hands were pressed against my ass, normally i would scoff and hit her arm away, but i had no thoughts at the current moment, so i only moved my hips more, i then turned around so my ass was to her front and her hands were now to my hips, i bent over a bit, arching my back, letting my ass bounce, ellies hands kept a firm grip as she also grinded to me, it was for fun and innonce at first, but it started to feel too good, and i never got that fun time so i only wanted more.

we took a break to drink more, then went back to dancing, after a few songs, a hand gripped my hair, pulling my head up a bit, ellie leant forward and whispered- well yelled over the music- to my ear, "wanna get that free weed now?" i smiled, not realizing the reason she decided to ask was because jason was making his way to us, "fuck yeah!" i exclaimed

now we sat in an empty bedroom with a locked door for anyone who decided to bardge in, "alright princess" ellie sighed, practically stumbling over to me, she pulled out a tin that was in her pocket, pulling out a joint and lighter, i sat on the edge of the bed hands in my lap

i watched her every move, she raised the joint slightly to my mouth, but i was focused on her slim fingers, "open" she said in a low voice, i felt my cheeks go red at her voice and how vulnerable i felt, but i obeyed, opening my mouth slightly, she slipped the joint, i closed my lips around it, she brought the lighter to the end, lighting it for me, the whole time we stared into each others eyes, a thick unknown tension between us lingered

i took a hit and began smoking all while holding eye contact. we passed it and took deep hits till our world felt calm and the music from below us seemed to disappear, infact everything around us seemed to disappear, it felt like it was only us on the whole planet.

ellie took the last hit, before placing the remainder of the joint in an nearby ashtray. she went back to her previous spot, right infront of me, standing and looking down, my neck hurt from looking up at her, but i couldnt take my eyes away, something about how her freckles danced in the dim lighting, or how her messy hair framed her face, how her redden eyes glared at me with an emotion i didnt recognize.

ellie brought her hand to my jaw, her thumb rubbing my cheek, "you were really causing a scene out there princess" her voice seemed to go down a few notches, and it made my mouth agape at the nickname she had been calling me for years for some reason made my face feel hot

"how you were.. grinding onto me in your short skirt.. your tight top.. shit, i can see everything through that, didnt even bother to put on a bra, like the little slut you are" she mumbled, eyes scanning my clothed breasts and theighs, i couldnt help but squeeze my theighs together more, "hm, think i didnt see that?" her free hand went to my theigh, rubbing circles to it, ellie must of noticed my eyes trailed to her hand cause she used the one that was on my face to pull my face back up, "whats the matter? cat got your tongue?" she asked with a head tilt, that made me gulp and shrunk into my seat, trying to push words out, but the no reply caused her to smirk

"i mean.. you know what they say.." she moved her thumb that was on my cheek to my lip, pulling it down slightly, "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" my face felt on fire as i felt her thumb sink into my mouth, my eyebrows furred, looking up to her, as her thumb was in my mouth, "shit, i wonder what else that mouth can do" she whispered to herself, but i obviously heard, i felt like i could collapse, my hand that was on the bed moved to her hand that was on my theigh, i opened my legs a little bit wider, pushing her hand down

i watched as she pulled her thumb out, keeping her hand on my theigh, she slipped out of her shoes, and pulled mine off. next thing i know her hands were on my face and she had her tongue shoved deep into my throat, my head pressed into the pillow as she was ontop of me, the sudden contact made me moan.

she moved her hands on my waist and pulled me closer to her front, i moaned into it, my hand found its way to her hair, i pulled at it, i didnt expect anything, but i heard her let out a breathy moan into my mouth, i pulled away, my ears blessed, i felt a puddle in my underwear, "please ellie"

she looked at me with the same eyes she had the whole night, the same eyes shes been giving me ever since we met. and i finally recognized what the emotion was. lust. pure, lust.

"please ellie, i need you" i whinned, i grabbed her hand and shoved it up my skirt, her fingertips dancing against my clothed slit was enough to make me whine, "please" i breathed, ellies face was red, "fuck" she gulped, and leaned back in to kiss my lips, her hand resting on my inner theigh, she trailed her lips to my neck, i turned my head to give her more access, my back arched as she kissed the right spot and pressed her hand under my shirt to my unclothed boob, and slightly bit my skin "please, ellie, i cant wait any longer, i need you" i rolled my head back

"be patient princess" she said in a seductive voice, which only made me less patient, she pulled away, hands now at the hem of my shirt, i sat up lfiting my arms helping her pull it off of me, "shit" ellie breathed, her eyebrows were furred, hair messy, cheeks red, lips plump, she looked so beautiful, so fucking hot.

after she stared at me, she pulled in and began kissing my chest, leaving a trail of love bites, she got to the hem of my skirt, pulling it off my legs, she pressed soft kisses until she got to my clothed clit, "fuck.. ellie i need you, please, ill do anything, please" i whinned, my hand gripped to her hair, "i know baby, ill make you feel good" ellie spoke as she pulled off my underwear with eye contact

i felt really vulnerable, i was completely naked underneath her as she straddled me completely clothed, and normally i topped, but there is no way i would be able to top ellie so i let it happen

ellie moved lower and lower till her lips pressed softly to my clit, i was so sensitive that i couldnt help but squirm my hips up, ellie forcefully pushed my theighs down and held them there, "stay fucking still brat" she said harshly, i narrowed my eyes down to look at her cold gaze, a smirk formed her face before she dove back in

she decided to tease me, kissing my inner theigh, "ellie c'mon" i whispered, trying to not move my hips, she ignored me and continued to press soft kissed to my theighs, her hands wrapped around my legs holding me still

ellies eyes were closed as she kissed me, i took that as an opportunity to sneak my hand to my private, gliding my fingers to my slit, but before i could really do anything, ellies hand gripped my wrist and slammed my hand against the bed, her grip tightened as she stared coldly at me, "touch yourself or move one more time, and im leaving" she said, her voice stern, i let out a breath feeling intimidated under her gaze, giving her a shakey nod

her face softed as she saw my reaction, "i- is this too far?" she asked softly, i very quickly shook my head, "no, please dont stop" i murmered out, knowing a quick head shake was probably too little for her, she tucked hair behind my ear, "tell me what you want baby" she whispered nicely, completely opposite to her harsh voice calling me a brat a few minutes ago, "go down on me please ellie, o- or anything- just touch me" i whinned, her look turned back to her confident smirk, she licked her lips looking down at me before she sunk back down and pressed her tongue to my wet folds, gliding it up, she put her tongue back in her mouth letting herself taste me, "mmhm, shit you taste good" she rolled her eyes, leaning her head back a bit and i swear to god i could have came right there.

ellie brought her head back down letting her tongue glid against me some more, my breathy moans filling the room as she pushed her tongue deep into me, my hand gripped the bedsheets, i wrapped my legs around ellie trying to get her closer

"harder.." i whispered my hand finding its way to ellies hair, she complied, moving her tongue faster and deeper, "more ellie.. please" i moaned, ellie slipped one of her fingers into me, moving along with her tongue, "mmfph" i moaned, rolling my head back onto the pillow, mumbling nonsense, i couldn't help but rock my hips, grinding onto her face, moving against her tongue and finger, she began to move her faster, suddenly adding another finger, i gripped her hair harder, ellie moaned against me, vibrating my core, causing me to grind even harder and squeeze her hair harder, anytime i tugged ellies hair i would feel her moan against me, so i made sure to keep on tugging

as i felt myself get higher, i couldnt even get words out, only high pitched squeels, i felt myself tighten and right as i poured out, ellie pulled out, licking my dripping cunt clean, i was out of breath, still trying to get over the orgasm,

"all fours" she licked her lips, i did what she said, finding the strength to flip myself over, and sit on my knees and hands, back arched and ass in the air, on full display for the girl behind me.

"shit.. look at you, you'd do anything for me, wouldnt you?" she growled, "anything.." i moaned, ellies fingers slammed back into me, making my eyes roll back, arching somehow more

"cant believe you were gonna go and fuck jason.." ellie growled form behind me, fingers slamming deeper, "such a fucking slut.." she whispered, i then felt a sudden sharp pain on my ass, i moaned at the pain and at her fingers curling, "you like that?" i could hear her smirk, she smacked me again, i tried to hold my moan back to not satisfy her, but it was near impossible, "jason couldnt make you feel like this, could he?"ellie questioned, adjusting my legs for me to get her fingers deeper in me, pumping her fingers deeper and faster, at a very hard paste, i tried to answer but her fingers were a bit distracting

"i asked you a fucking question!" she smacked me again, "who the fuck do you belong to?" she yelled, "ellie! i belong to ellie" i moaned loudly, feeling my stomach come to a not, "such a good girl" ellie grunted, i felt myself freeze and could feel myself dripping down my leg, ellie contuined, overstimulating me, making my legs shake and tremble

she came to a stop, i could feel her warm fingers collect all my juices that had fallen, i let myself collapse onto my back, i made eye contact with her as she sucked onto her fingers with a smirk, "you really do taste good princess"

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check In - September 27th, 2023 🎀

today was such an easy day for me, I am so glad that I’m taking yesterday thru Thursday for myself. I really need it.

🩷 What I Ate Today -

Breakfast - boiled chicken potstickers, shredded hash browns with ketchup, a cup of coffee

Dinner - spaghetti with meat marinara sauce and Parmesan cheese

Extra - 2 cups of coffee

not a heavy eating day for me as I haven’t had much of an appetite thanks to being sick. Might still snack on something tonight since there’s still time left in the day.

🩷 Personal Accomplishments -

Cleaned my bathroom a little bit

Did the dishes

cleaned the kitchen

Washed a load of laundry

Morning self care

morning guided journal entry

Rescheduled an appointment over the phone (I have severe phone call anxiety)

Reviewed Japanese goals for next month

🩷 Academic Achievements -

Passed chapter 8/9 Quiz for Nutrition class

Passed chapter 6 Quiz for Psychology class

Passed chapter 8 quiz for Cooking class

Duolingo/Busuu ~15 minutes

today was a pretty productive day despite the amount of time I’ve spent in my bed, I’m actually pretty proud of myself for doing so much despite this stupid cold I have.

🩷 Academic Goals for Tomorrow, Sept 28 -

Complete extended assignment for Psyc class

Complete lab report for anatomy lab

Complete assignment for personal finance class

Complete lifecycle chart assignment for nutrition class

Complete practical assignment for health and sport class

🩷 Personal Goals for Tomorrow, Sept 28 -

Work on drafts of content for RD Mentor #1’s instagram and send them to her

Clean bedroom/organize bedroom

Put away all clean laundry

Morning + Night guided journal

Morning + Night skincare

Therapy ? (Therapist might be doing a routine training so I’m not sure)

Study Japanese using apps (Anki, Duolingo, Busuu, Renshuu, etc) 15-30 minutes

Drink 1-2 liters of water

I’m going to definitely try to accomplish everything I have planned for tomorrow, I think it’ll make me feel better to get so much done. Most of my homework isn’t actually due until Sunday evening or Monday evening but I figure getting it done earlier will be better for when I get off work this weekend. I’m hoping to catch up and work ahead on stuff a little bit so that way I’m not struggling next weekend. I’m actually going to go see my boyfriend next weekend for about three full days, which I’m excited for because I haven’t seen him in person in three months. (Thank you 1000+ miles of distance haha)

that’s all for now!

til next time lovelies 🩷🤍

[pbandjesse]

Somehow today was worse then yesterday. I am so beyond upset. I could barely eat today and it was a struggle to even stand up at times. I got exactly nothing done. I was able to take a nap but not until the very end of the day. And I have just felt like garbage for the entirety of the day and cried multiple times.

So it wasn't my best day ever! Honestly it was mainly a blur. I was very exhausted and nauseous yesterday and gagged and almost threw up a few times. But today I was just scared to eat because of the fear of throwing up. And so I just. Barley ate. Which I'm sure less to how blurry and weak I felt.

I did eat some though. James woke me up when they got up. They lost their phone down the side of the bed and needed my phone to find it in the dark. I was able to go back to sleep for a bit. They would come kiss me goodbye before they headed to work. They would tell everyone that I wasn't doing well and I have an appointment on tuesday.

But more and more I don't think they are going to be able to do anything for me. I just feel so scared feeling like this.

When I got up for real it took me a bit to get up and out of bed. I brushed my teeth and washed my face but my face looked so hallow and sad.

James made me a sandwich and cut it up into pieces. I can't stand to eat the crust of the sandwich anymore. Which is insane. But I ate what I could and had a glass of milk, mainly for the protein. And laid on the couch for a long time.

Every time I eat I just end up in horrible pain for 20 minutes and it's really just. So very very disheartening. I am trying to remain positive but it feels so hopeless.

I watched to many TikToks today. Which made my head hurt. But there was absolutely nothing I wanted to watch on YouTube. I can't watch anything sad right now. Nothing where someone is disappointed. Or hurt or anything. And I want no conflict. So it's been hard to find much.

I did eventually find something to watch for a bit. I went upstairs and tried to go through my purses. I only got rid of a few, and moved all the tote bags to the kitchen. But it felt like progress.

I would move from the living room to the bedroom and back a few different times. I found that if I was perfectly flat or tilted with my head lower then my body I would become so incredibly dizzy. So I propped myself up best I could and just tried to rest.

I am trying to encourage myself by saying that thing about how if you don't rest your body will make you rest and that's what this feels like. Like I'm being forced to rest. But it's not even good rest. I'm just crying and hurting and so very tired.

I was able to eat a little of my chipotle leftovers. Which I did not throw up but it was close. I hate that this is the only thing I have to talk about but it's literally all that I can think about right now. And it sucks.

I would eventually fall asleep towards the end of the afternoon. I came down to the living to wait for James to come home. I had two fig newtons and a fruit strip. And fell asleep.

I briefly woke up when James came home. They kissed me on the head and left to go do laundry. And I kept sleeping.

I woke up at 6 and they had left me a nice note that they would be home soon. And when they got back they sat with me and folded the clothes and cut me up some watermelon. Which tasted great and didn't hurt my stomach to much.

We have been hanging out since then. James did some chores. Made themselves dinner. Babied me. It has been really tough. I am scared all the time and feel horrible. I just want to feel okay and be able to do things.

We canceled our plans for tomorrow. We may still go look st paint swatches but I am afraid of leaving the house. I just feel so weak.

I am going to go take a shower or a bath. I don't know which yet. But I hope it will make me feel okay and that I can sleep easier tonight.

I love you all. Be safe. Be well. Until tomorrow.

[fatwhoresblog]

🎀life update🎀

So I did go to my bf’s brothers graduation. Didn’t go as planned, first day, I only ate an 8inch long pizza which was good but had quite a few drinks so I had a n€t c@l of about 200. The day after was bad. Because we stayed at a hotel and we all went to have breakfast together I ate quite a lot and on our drive home my bf got me a burger (🥲) so I ate that too. Nothing else luckily but I felt so tired and drained and especially because we left a bit later, I couldn’t go to the gym which was fine. Unfortunately, I had a really shitty day, work didn’t go as expected (I’m a perfectionist so I have high standards for myself) and it didn’t go well, I wanted to do the laundry during my lunch break but forgot to start the washing machine & when I did it after so that I could do the laundry during my afternoon break it didn’t work out and I had to do it after work. My bf said he’d make carbonara tonight or tomorrow, but I was starting my fast yesterday and I had a full mental breakdown because I had to do the washing and if he cooked carbonara tomorrow I couldn’t have gone to the gym after work. So I was sat on the bed crying and having a full breakdown because the day was shit, I was tired, the scheduling was messed up and I ended up staying in, having carbonara tonight and starting my f4st after dinner. I’m currently on my 🩸 so that’s probably why I felt this way. Normally, I go to the gym in the morning but I’m so tired that I just cba. At least im going to the gym tomorrow and for the rest of the week so I at least went 5x a week. It’s just so annoying when my scheduling is messed up. Maybe I have some other issues lol. Luckily, I didn’t gain weight from my binge yesterday and was still on 80kgs. I’m just praying I can lose 20 kgs by end of July, so I’m strict on myself all over again. I absolutely h@te myself for today.

I wish I had a fast metabolism. I also wish it was easy for me to lose w€ight. Let’s see how it goes, but I did have a good time anyway the other days, it was great. I really needed to get out of town.🤌🏼

Also it was me and my bf’s anniversary and he bought me sth he said he treated himself to one thing, bought one other important thing and my anniversary present and he’s paid over £200. I’m so excited to see what it is. I love my bf so much. Honestly, I hope every girl finds a guy like him because he’s so supportive (obv not of this bc he’d be sad and upset) and do understanding. I’m sorry about talking about my bf like this so much 🥹

[livvyofthelake]

almost midnight. still many things to be done tonight. can’t even watch my casual low commitment tv show i can’t talk to you guys about because i got too deep in it and i’m stuck on a scene that’s making me feel like an insane person and i probably won’t get past it til wednesday. i guess i could watch xena or lost. because i need to fold my laundry and change my bedsheets i realize i didn’t explain why i wanted to watch a tv show after saying i had stuff to do. anyway yeah i need to change my bedsheets and fold my clothes (from the trip and also all the clothes i washed before the trip that i just left here unfolded 😐). and it’s the end of june and i didn’t get to watch my june movie :( and i can’t do it now because i didn’t finish my side quest about it. ok it’s possible i could benefit from stopping doing side quests that make me get all in my head about random shit that does not matter. (what’s the side quest you ask? literally it was supposed to take a week and i was gonna read the book and then read the screenplay adaptation and then watch a movie directed by the screenwriter and then rewatch the movie and compare it all. and i could not get past the movie. you might recall movie may? there was a movie on the movie may list i kept calling the boring one? yeah still working on that. trying to at least. yeah it’s dire. i’ve been here since mid april it’s bad to the point where i now refer to that book as The Book I Read In April because in my mind that was a long time ago. this was all meant to take a week post redacted era. and i’m still stuck on that movie. makes me wanna kill myself and james ivory fr oh my god. i have to stop thinking about this now ok). anyway. what if we mentally extended june to the end of this week i’ve been out of the realm of normal time for eleven days i need to catch up on june. for all intents and purposes tomorrow is june 31st not july 1st. we can’t do fourth of july this year sorry that’s june 34th

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

“Why don’t you answer my text/message?”

Um, well, I want to but to answer takes time and thinking and dealing with emotions. I have to phrase things very, very carefully**. It struggle to me sure I can’t confuse you or offend you or be misunderstood or provoke a chain of conversation I don’t want to get into or…

I want to answer “how are things going” but I don’t want to find myself overwhelmed in a tidal wave enthusiastic, energetic, unrealistic, and utterly unsolicited advice. And I don’t want pity either.

I also don’t want to face a barrage of follow up questions and the expectation that I will explain in great detail and with full back story.

I don’t have the energy!!!!

I’m TIRED. I’m so damn tired, but trying figure out how to talk to you actually makes me more tired.

I know I need to answer.

I’m busy all day, so there is no time. Rush, rush, pushing myself as hard as I can. I don’t even carry my phone or have a way check my messages most of that time.

I tell myself I’ll do it after supper, but then it’s 9pm and if I am going to let myself sculpt and watch a movie (my only “me” time of the day) I better get cracking.

If I do answer first I am being pulled into a vortex of stress and time, with the expectation on your end that it becomes like a typed phone conversation. You think I will answer in real time, chat away with fingers flying, while I’m thinking of how I need to light the hot water heater and do the dishes and put things away and what about the laundry and how much time will I have left to watch a movie now and should I just skip it because damn I’m tired and OMG how did they get that from what I wrote…

You want rehashing, dishing dirt, dwelling on troubles I’d rather escape for a bit, and so much else I don’t really feel like or do easily.

I can do chit chat with strangers with great ease, but they aren’t expecting anything. They forget what I say by the end of the day. You expect a lot more. You often literally ask a lot more.

It was so much easier with my parents. They got me. Well, close enough. We could ramble all over the place without getting lost, because we were working from the same map. It felt more like a conversation of ideas than gossip. Talking to them was comfortable and relaxing, even fun.

I miss not having to weigh ever single damn word. They get very heavy very fast.

It feels like an act of translation. Maybe not like expressing yourself in a second language, but much more like a third you only learned in a class your took in your second language. You can do it

I tell myself I’ll answer tomorrow, after I’ve slept, when my brain is back functioning and I have the energy for a conversation. I am so, so, so TIRED!

But then the next day starts and I’m busy, busy, busy, busy…

And now you are offended. It’s been hours, why haven’t answered. I know you take it personally. I have to answer the second I get time.

It’s 11PM. I only stopped being busy. If I write now I’ll be heading to bed past midnight, AGAIN. I’m so tired.

I don’t want to bother you if you are still up, because I know your nature is to reply in minutes.

I tell myself I’m thinking of you by not answering tonight. Letting you not have to respond or deal with listening to my troubles before bed.

But it’s me. I’m tired.

I want to talk to someone so much, to vent and ramble, peppering it with things that have caught my interest … as is my nature.

But that isn’t the kind of conversation you want.

And so I wait, wait for the time I never have and the energy that always drains away, wait for my brain to have the strength to pull replicating your wiring for a bit…

And then, when I can wait no more I send something, fumbly and awkward. And you misunderstand or get attached to a tangent or get intrusive in your eagerness to help or…

Or, honestly, I get so embarrassed by how long it is taking me to reply I end up just hoping for one of my tech problems so I can have an excuse to apologize, and the apology will be a nice space filler for the conversation I’m not up to having.

I want to answer “How are things going?” with “Exhausting”. If I do, do you promise to let me stop there and go sleep?

No, that would seem terse and rude, so completely out of character from my verbose style that it would cause trouble.

I dunno. I think I will sleep on it. Again.

** NOT an issue on Tumblr. It isn’t that I trust you will understand any better, or even that you are more like hypothetical people that might possibly read my posts, but that the real world implications of misunderstanding are just so much lower. Accidentally get on someone’s wrong side here, and what, get unfollowed or some nasty anonymous messages? Get misunderstood by a person you know in the real world and you could end up severing a crucial connection, like “who is gonna give me a lift when my car breaks down now?!?”

[heartfucksmouth]

warmed up frozen blueberries and mashed them, mixed with oatmeal cereal and a little bit of almond milk. breakfast for Aidan!

mashed up black beans, mixed with rice cereal and a bit of formula. dinner for Aidan!

managed to buy 8 more jars of puree to hopefully stretch til WIC kicks in. thankfully he's started some solids so he loves all fruits, and cereal puffs and cheerios, and he can eat chicken and broccoli we cooked for dinner tonight.

the pit in my stomach when I saw we were low on his food and we both are right on money right now and all the bs with ebt... God nothing feels worse than being scared I won't be able to feed my child. me and myles both agreed we would skip meals if it meant having Aidan and Zazu eat. I'm hoping things will work themselves out soon though.

Hip surgery is on for June 13. 2-3 weeks on crutches with minimal weight bearing, then a post-op appointment and PT. I'm not that nervous about the surgery itself, I'm freaking out about having enough help with Aidan and everything else I'm used to being responsible for. it's always tough for me to grapple with feeling useless, I'm a very independent person.... but I straight up have no choice with this surgery! I want myles to feel supported and that it's not all on him (and my mom) so I posted on fb for people to volunteer their time if they can. myles parents say they will help... but they're not very dependable and even when they do help, myles mom often makes us feel like it's an inconvenience. it's just uncomfortable with the tenuous dynamic between us.

his parents are away tonight (and yesterday) and the difference is palpable - in a GOOD way. ww made dinner, played with Aidan, we folded laundry and did dishes, Aidan was asleep by 6ish... all after being in Boston this morning for my appointment. we aren't exhausted or overstimulated and i swear it's bc they aren't here pecking at everything we do. I didn't even get a nap today and I survived the evening and I'm in a good mood besides the main worries I just stated. like, I'm proud of us. it was a busy productive day and we made it through. it's wild how toxic the atmosphere gets with their presence. I just wanna get out of here so we can be our weird neurodivegent selves and get on with daily life.

I also have a tilt table test in August to finally confirm my POTS which will hopefully help my fucjed up blood pressure situation.

I'm really hoping I can rebuild my stamina and strength train once my hip is recovered. I know other surgeries are undoubtedly in my future, but I wanna get fucking strong so hopefully I can give my shitty connective tissue more of a break, and recoveries will be easier. and so I can lift my giant kid a little longer before he's gonna need to start carrying me lol. even going to pelvic floor PT makes me feel good about myself. I can feel my core getting stronger again and that helps e v e r y t h I n g. PT always makes me feel good though, bc i can see the progress and know I'm not hurting myself more.

OK bedtime, I've got more appointments tomorrow hashtag professional patient

[nicistrying]

Haven't managed to work out all week apart from my run on Monday, which kind of sucks, but I HAVE:

Made some really tasty meals - koftas Tuesday Wednesday, saag paneer last night which was so good if I may say so myself!

Done a load of wedding planning

Booked our appointment to give notice of intent to marry

Done housework and laundry in between cooking etc

And I'm taking the car to the garage tonight after work to get its sticky clutch replaced

I haven't actually been sitting down until about 8pm by the time I get home at 6, do whatever bits need done around the house and make dinner. So I'm just accepting this is a quiet week in terms of working out. I'll squeeze some weights in tomorrow after work and I'll be out running again at the weekend and that's fine 😌

Also, it's finally a reasonable temperature to wear a dress to work!! I felt cute today

[bvannn]

Weekly Update March 1, 2024

I’m not doing the best this week but I’m also not doing the worst. I’ve not been sleeping well and I think it’s culminating today so slightly early update post just in case I fall asleep early tonight. I’ve had on and off moodiness and flareups but not a whole lot of surgery sickness, hoping next week will be the same. I think this week was a lot of semester stress, which makes it hard to take care of myself. I just ate three applesauces and next week is spring break, so I should have a bit of breathing room for more art stuff. Just in time for my art block to maybe be giving way. All I gotta do is get caught up on sleep, which I’ll try to start tonight.

So I’ve been trying to put more brain power into actual Oc story writing stuff this week. I have the little comic I’m working on in the background and that’s going a bit slower than I’d like but I’m still making progress and reviewing over it there’s fewer older pages needing redo than I’d thought. I’m also now officially through the second act of the episode/chapter/ w/e, so the third should move smoothly. Scenes are flowing nicer than I thought they would, generally going pretty good.

I also finally think my animation art block is giving way. Clip studio is good for flowier animation so I’d like to combine it with flash for any actual big animation projects I try to pick up but on it’s own it’s fine for smaller ones. I might do some more sketch style test animations for unfamiliar movements, and eventually I’ll need to do a test for one with lineart and color layers. The interface is not user friendly at all but I did figure out how to do it the way I had wanted. Not planning on doing any shaded animations though, shading will have to be done with after effects somehow. I’ll round up ideas for test animations tonight because I’m very headfoggy today so I doubt I’ll be able to throw music together.

I’ll definitely do a quick little gif for the bigger song I finished, I’ll try to get going on the next one, but for the time being I might finish up some half baked covers. I’ve fiddled with vocaloid more now, have two half finished vocal parts I’m using to test out how the English and Japanese banks work with English songs. Japanese bank is working better than I thought, but it’s annoying having to play with the dynamic and exciter settings for certain consonants, and the limited vowel selection also sucks, but it’s not like the English banks have basically the same issues too. I just need to play with settings a bit more, finish writing out the vocal parts (should basically be copy paste at this point, I’m already through one chorus of each), and throw together instrumentals to go with them, but I picked songs with simple instrumentals anyway, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get a skeletal structure ready, then I can fill it in with piano or violin because I can’t go two songs without either I’m addicted.

Music comic and animation are the main things I did this week but I am slowly getting my updated commission sheet together. I’ll probably start timing myself on smaller songs so I can try to add music options properly. Animation comms would be nice too but that’ll definitely be a ways off.

I did make unexpected progress writing an epithet TTRPG campaign, it’s like mostly structured, but maps minis and some encounters still need to get written. I might sit down to do that over break. I’m more certain now that I’ll need to take people online as players but I’ll wait until I’m closer to run before I make a google form for that

I’m going to try to either spend tonight with friends or go to bed early or both. I’m a bit worried about my body because flareups have been getting bad but tomorrow I don’t have to move my legs at all beyond doing laundry so I should be fine. If plans for both fall through I’ll either watch a movie or cartoon (I don’t do very often but if I indulge in media I can improve my writing skills) or draw or both. Tomorrow is walled off for homework though I don’t think I’ll be able to do much else.

[elizabethplaid]

daily notes - friday, july 14, 2023

Note to self: bring DSLR camera with me to the library. Check that the regular lens is on it, not the telephoto lens. Not gonna repeat that mistake. :P

Since I’m nearly out of plush-stuffing, I know I probably shouldn’t start any more plush projects. Yet... I started a new pumpkin, with knit cables. Plus side? My dpns are in use, so I won’t be starting ANOTHER pumpkin or other round items.

So what shall we do if I still don’t have stuffing by the time I finish the current scarf? I’ll start another Hespera cowl, in the green (echo) yarn, to be slightly bigger than the original pattern. And if I finish that, I’ll go back to the Oberon biscornu, which I started last fall.

Other notes on upcoming things:

- Next Wednesday, dad and I will go to Bangor to do some shopping and activate my new cell phone.

- Next Saturday (22nd), is the town’s tag sale. Idk if I’ll remember to bring the extra clothes I wanted to donate. I’ll probably not look in detail, because I need more specific things than the junk there.

- Dad’s got pre-op stuff on the 24th, that he can drive to by himself. We’ll drive together on the 25th, then get a hotel for the night. While he’s busy on the 26th, I’ll shop by myself. I’ll check on him in the morning of the 27th, then drive myself home.

-- I’ve already told my fellow librarians that I’ll be unavailable the 25th through the 5th. (Next counseling apt is the 2nd)

- Again, I already know I’m stressed out and throwing myself into all this knitting to cope. I’m also choosing to stay up and knit instead of going to bed early on nights before library duty and counseling.

Tonight, I’ve told myself that if I shower and gather my stuff for tomorrow, I can stay up and knit. Extra credit (more pumpkin knitting?) if I fold some laundry, too. 

Oh wait, maybe this is how I persuade myself into doing tasks? I get to do the “thing I’m not supposed to do” if I do a chore. Wait, why is staying-up-to-knit more of a motivator than rewarding myself by buying something? Executive dysfunction and procrastination don’t make sense.

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Okay taking responsibility where it is due because I'm sure that I am not communicating effectively or well with the people around me because I've kind of been in stress shut down mode for the last week and a half, but I'm so tired and I feel very alone and like I'm expected to manage everything by myself and I genuinely don't know if I can anymore.

I've cried at work multiple times every day this week, which is something that has never happened in the entire time I've worked there. Every time I think I have a few minutes to manage a task or take some time for myself I'm asked to do something else and I'm just completely worn out and resigned to it.

Even today, I stayed late at work because I'm missing 3 days next week to take my mom for another surgery out of state, then I had to go pick up supplies that she and my dad need for various things, then I went home and had to dye my mom's hair, and bake a pie for my dad's birthday tomorrow. I assumed that that would be the end of my to-do list for tonight so that I could get some laundry done before we have to leave or try to clean up a little bit because the house is a mess because I've been in a sadness, for a week. Then my mom told me that she wants a special meal for dinner that we don't have the ingredients for, so I have to go to a different store, spend an hour or so preparing that, do the dishes and clean up from that, and by then it will be 8:30 or 9:00 p.m. and they go to bed so I can't make much noise.

But after that I'm still going to have to do all of my laundry, all of my mom's laundry, probably my dad's laundry to get to my mom's laundry, make sure that my dog has been fed and has his medicine, try to clean up a little bit so that the house is more or less ready to have people over when we get back because Christmas will be pretty much upon us...

And I won't have any time to do it tomorrow before we leave because it's my dad's birthday so he wants to go out to lunch and go out Christmas shopping and and and.

And I know that none of these sound like actual problems, I promise that there is some other stuff going on that I'm not going to whine about just now but...

I'm just exhausted.

I feel defeated.

I feel useless and overwhelmed.

[journeytoasoberlife]

Day 5.

Today I've had many thoughts around my emotional stability and when I'll be able to see it plateau. Having a cluster b personality disorder will blur those lines, but that's something I've come to recognize. I'm unsure of the sober side of that, making it uncharted territory for me, which is harder to navigate.

I woke up this morning and continued doing laundry, I filed my weekly unemployment, applied for more jobs and tried to keep busy. I had to remind myself that I'm not a failure with this, the last two jobs I've had I was treated very poorly and got the shit end of the stick in the worst way. Where I normally filled my morning with mimosas or a seltzer, I'm drinking more coffee, which should be water but whatever. I am using nicotine to fill those gaps, which I'm currently fine with.

I hung out with my friend Alex today, she's 8 months sober. Before her sobriety we would drink the entire time we were together. It was a nice change of pace and I'm so proud of her journey. I too will be there one day. We got pizza and I learned that I am not a fan of basil in mocktails, I mean seriously, who thought of that?

My hiking boots will be here tomorrow and I'll spend some of my day breaking them in. I'm also meeting with another friend that I've recently reconnected with.

It's currently 11:52 pm and I know I won't be able to sleep for a while. Not going to bed high or tipsy is something I'm still struggling with. During the peak of my alcoholism I wasn't really sleeping, though that also was work related. I would maybe get 3-4 hours if I was lucky, waking up every ~2 hours almost like clockwork.

My emotions took a shit on me tonight, too. By that time I would've easily been on my 3-4 cider and would either be ignoring my emotions or in a full blown breakdown. I think writing these every night gives me the outlet I didn't know I needed or willingly ignored if I'm being honest.

I've been trying to eat more regularly but I haven't been putting as much energy into it as I should. T and I would get breakfast every morning and that was a nice shift for me. I know I won't be able to go to one of my favorite spots for a bit because I always drank there, but I do make good breakfast when I put some effort in. I really need to go shopping but I keep ignoring it. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'll also have to get another Elf Bar, the one I bought while T and I were out is killer on my throat and I know my good one will go bad soon, my novo could work if it dies and but that doesn't have nearly enough nicotine in it.

Things are adding up and I'm nervous about the weeks ahead. Will is coming home soon and my life will shift again, and I'm unsure how I'll be able to navigate that as well. He drinks a lot and while he was more than supportive, I'm worried about it.

I keep having to remind myself that I pulled out of this once before, and that was way worse than this time around. I spent the better half of 2019 drunk in a bar alone, waking up the next morning wondering how I was even able to drive home. That was the 5 year anniversary of my moms death and I couldn't shake it. I was living alone, having broken up with my partner, spiraling and wanting to die. I don't want to be in that place again, ever.

I'm worried that people will find me to be a liability, and in turn won't want to be in my life. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about something like that but there's people I never want to lose, even if the road gets rocky. I'm trying to be enough for myself, which I've never attempted before and quite frankly, I'm scared. I always made the joke that I was rawdogging life because I'm not medicated for my depression and anxiety, but now I'm really doing it and that's scary too.

I'm hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Hopefully I can find it.

Anyway, goodnight tumblr.