#and in the end i just wish I hadn't failed that fucking class so i wouldnt have to be dealing with this rn

[freesomebodybyluna]

...

[just-zy]

So close yet so far

pairing: Jenna Ortega x Fem!Reader!

summary: More than friends, less than lovers.

A/N: lemme tell you, what a wayy to start this freaking imagine..Also this is an au wherein Jenna and Reader are in hs..

Warnings!: Shi angsty, kissy kiss kiss 😋 Jenna's a player here.. 😞

Masterlist

You didn't know if you'd won the lottery, considering you had a pretty girls tongue down your fucking throat, her hands roaming your skin, raw. Her soft grunts, and light tugging on the hem of your shirt while her right arm laid perfectly limp on your right shoulder, making your knees buckle, her touch alone could send you to heaven's gates and make you see galaxies.

I felt my throat let out an unapologetic whine, indicating that I needed to pull away for air. Gosh, I didn't want this to end. I was intoxicated by the girl in front of me.

"What's wrong, pretty girl?" The girl above me pants for air, asking with smugness lasing on her voice, clearly she didn't care about having a breather.

"W- we have class in a few minutes, Jenna." I say with a firm look in my eyes, but she wasn't having it.

"You're saying that like you weren't the one who initiated this, baby.." She batted her eyelashes, looking right down at me. "So, be a good girl and relax..We still have a few minutes." She says right before jumping right back into action, her soft plump lips gazing on mine like a lost puzzle piece.

She's gonna be the death of me.

...

"Hey gurrl– oh, what happened to your lips? It's bleeding!"

Yep, she started nipping at my lips when she felt me resisting her kisses.

"I— uhm, well I.. Fuck that, can we please not talk about this right now?" Dismissing her. I hear her lightheartedly scoff, she knew I wasn't being mean. Zoe and I had been friends for about a decade, so it wasn't a problem for her and for me when we give each other attitude.

"Alright dude chill, someone clearly pissed in your coffee today." She teasingly taunts me whilst she held her pen between her index and middle finger, acting like she was poking me with the object. She had her eyebrows raised, indicating that she knew what had happened with my wounded lip.

Of course she knew about me and Jenna's situation, it was never a secret to my Best Friend.

"You know, you might end up regretting agreeing to Jenna about being friends with benefits.."

I regret staring directly at her ever since I saw her walking down that flight of stairs, gosh who would've thought love at first sight existed?

"Nevermind that— oh shit-" Zoe stares right behind me, her mouth agaped and wide-eyed. "Fuck– don't look!"

I skeptically chuckled as she began taking my hand with hers, implying we had to leave immediately. Obviously I wasn't backing down as I was curious on what had gotten her into such a state. "Don't look, stupid!"

Welp, I wish I hadn't, God forbid I don't die now.

There she was, in her black leather jacket, someone else's fingers tangled in her hair, her lips grazing someone else's. Her burgundy lipstick, staining their hungry lips.

Fuck.

"Okay! Let's go! Let's move it."

"Y- yeah.."

I was so close, yet so far.

★

"Hey there, pretty girl."

"Hi, Jenna."

I shrugged as I was sat under the biggest tree in the campus. Its shade hiding me from the sunlight. It's been what, at least two days since me and Jenna's intimate act were established. Missing her was an understatement, but having to go back to her knowing she had someone else's tongue down her throat? That'll just feel so wrong for me, considering I couldn't get the image out of my head.

"So, you haven't been calling, what's up with that?" I see her lightly tilt her head to her right. I took a deep breath and glanced up at her, not really in the mood for her intimate acts. "Homework, Jenna. At least make sure you aren't failing your classes."

She scoffs, "What's with the attitude? Why so feisty. Was it because I had you running late for class?"

I averted my attention away from her, my heart doing flips. Uncomfortable. Flips.

"I– No, it's not that-"

"Then what? Talk to me– wait, did you..?" I felt the atmosphere change dramatically, I see Jenna moving her lips, she can't seem to get her words out. "Look, it's not really a surprise that I fell for you–"

"You said– you.. You weren't going to fall for me- Y/N you know I'm not the type to—"

"Yes! Gosh, Jenna. I know! Do you think I chose this? Do you think I chose to fall for a player?!" I stood up, having all my attention on Jenna, alone. "Then why the fuck did you agree to this anyway when you knew the outcome?!" Every word that got out of her mouth, every stab of her index finger on my chest, every impact it did on my clothed skin, felt like a knife stabbing right through my already broken heart.

"Well— Fuck! I don't know! I wanted to be closer to you, that was the only way to get your attention." I heaved and coughed as tears threatened to fall. I grew limp, I stood on my ground, not moving.

I am fucked.

I was on autopilot, I took all my shit and hastily went back inside school. Timing wasn't on my side, I still have a few classes.

Time never favoured me, anyway.

★

A/N: what do you guys think? This has been on my drafts for sooo longgg and I wanted to finish it, I can smell it rotting.. Kinda dislike this.

[squidhominid]

15 Questions for 15 Friends

Tagged by @venort!

Are you named after anyone?

Oh this is a fun one. So, the name I picked for myself after coming out as trans comes from the character Ellie Williams, from The Last of Us. I almost named myself 'Emma', after the Japanese name for Lady Timpani from Super Paper Mario. My deadname, which I won't share for obvious reasons, comes from... I think my great grandpa? I'm not 100% sure. Something like that. And my dad almost gave me the name Jean-Luc, after Picard, y'know, Star Trek, or Jean-Claude, after Jean-Claude Killy (although I suspect this was just a failed cover story to try and convince my mom to go with Jean-Luc).

When was the last time you cried?

Not answering this one, sorry.

Do you have kids?

Not answering this one, sorry.

What sports do/have you played?

I don't, uh. I'm not. I'm not very physically active these days. In high school they rotated us constantly between soccer, softball, lacrosse, basketball, volleyball, badminton, and I think MAYBE football? I was terrible at all of them, y'know, vision/coordination problems and whatnot.

Do you use sarcasm?

Do I? I'm not sure. What do you think?

What is the first thing you notice about people?

Man I dunno, uh, I just think some people are neat.

What's your eye color?

My V-Tuber avatar has orange eyes. I'm not saying more than that. Eat pant.

Scary movies, or happy endings?

Both, neither, and everything in between. Movies are good. Have you seen The Boy and the Heron? You should go see The Boy and the Heron. Also Paprika. Paprika is really good. I wish Satoshi Kon had lived long enough to finish Dreaming Machine. Actually I just wish he hadn't gotten cancer at all. Fuck cancer.

Any talents?

I'm pretty good with OBS, and tech stuff in general. I enjoy streaming, and people seem to think I'm pretty good at it.

Where were you born?

Washington

What are your hobbies?

Video games, programming, VR/AR, motion capture/streaming/video editing stuff, just, techy stuff in general.

Do you have any pets?

Not at the moment, but I kept a few fish as pets as a kid, and the last place I lived had a local colony of stray cats that me and my dad would feed and look after.

How tall are you?

5'2" in real life, my V-Tuber avatar is supposed to be either 4'11" or 4'9", I'm not 100% decided yet.

Favorite subject in school?

Probably the classes where we just got to fuck around with computers. But if I had to give an actual answer, probably math or physics? If we include university, probably the classes I took on VR, UI design, and product design, or the cognitive science class I took that was about the intersection between cognitive science, society, and popular technology.

Dream job?

Honestly, anything where I'd get to apply my interests in both technology and internet media. Whether that's working on software for streaming, working as an editor or a writer at a tech YouTube channel, working at a video or livestreaming platform like Twitch or YouTube... Alternatively, maybe working on VR software or hardware? Just as long as I'm making a good income, working on something I'm passionate about, and with time to spend on my hobbies.

Tagging @minty-cups @lunacapra @pbyukionna @quinnydoll @largedragonmilf @super-tired-robot @mudmouths @missylanieous @capncococharms @ardnin @dooper64 @astrophelcallisto @emery-matsushita-vt @mammeata @friendbreakfast

[yuk1nya-moved]

#—A BIT MORE THAN ENEMIES

r. rosehearts / gn ! reader

warnings : tiny bit of angst el oh el , slight swearing

" It seems like fate has a different plan for us "

*⁀➷ a/n at the end !

part 1 | part 2

￫ summary : with the finals coming up, is there really any time for you to discuss your feelings?

"Ugh! Why are there so much dates..." You complained while studying magical history, it was 2 weeks before exams but yout though it was best to start studying earlier if you wanted to keep your spot in the top 10.

Except everything would be fine, if you didnt have a crush on your rival ! Gosh, how dare he steal your heart. You tried to ignore it for days but whenever you look at him, you get mesmerized.. by.. his.. pretty.. annoying face !

He was your rival why are you inlove with him? Your thoughts were disturbed when you felt soft tapping on your shoulder.

"Hey..[name]" Deuce said while Ace was behind him. "Would you mind tutoring us..?" He said shyly "Ah- um, sure" a bit startled by their presence "Really? Thank the seven !" Deuce replied

"So, why did you ask me to tutor you guys?" You asked "Riddle said if we fail again its 'off with our heads'" Ace said while mimicking him

You giggled a bit at his mimicking, but then you though about him again. You hated every fiber of him, he was so annoying, and bossy, and- "Yo, [name]? You there" Ace cut off your thoughts once again "A- of course. Sorry"

While tutoring them, you didn't notice a piercing stare at the three of you. The one and only, Riddle Rosehearts. He was there to study too, he didn't mind you tutoring them. I mean he did order them to study.

Yet, he can't control these bubbling feelings in his chest. Jealousy? Never! But he really just can't when your laughing with them and smiling genuinely. Not the smile he usually sees when you get the right answer. Your genuine smile

Oh, how he wishes it was him, but you were his rival. Rivals aren't supposed to develop feelings for each other right? All he can do is watch, while tucking away his feelings.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

1 week left before exams, and your little crush got worse. During class you'd catch yourself staring at him, you weren't that spiteful against him anymore. What's worse is that he doing the same ! No more teasing or competing with you anymore

You tried to spite him by sticking your tongue out at hin when you got the right answer, but he jusy glanced at you. Did he start to hate you? You hadn't done anything wrong right?

Unbeknownst to you, all these assumptions are wrong. He now cannot look at your face or else he will pass out. When did you become so... lovable? Either way there was one thing you both thought. You had to get the top spot.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

After 2 weeks of nonstop studying, you were hoping it would pay off. To be completely honest, you weren't sure if you were gonna secure your spot.

While in your room, doing whatsoever a loud bang suddenly opens your door. "thE FUCK???" quickly changing your direction to the open door to see Ace and Deuce there.

"[name]... Riddle's looking for you at the rose maze" Ace puffed, obviously tired. "okay, but did you seriously have to do that to my door? Y'know you'll have to pay for it right?" "YES WE KNOW BUT CAN YOU GO TO RIDDLE NOW??"

"fine."

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"What do you want, Rosehearts." You groaned, having better things to do "If you're gonna brag about some-" "I like you, [name]."

what. "Rosehear- I mean Riddle. A-are you serious? As in romantically or..?" "Yes, I do like you romantically. Since god knows when, but you- you..! you make me feel some type of way." He said while heat crept on his face

You were left speechless, stunned, frozen, by the sudden confession. But you also had to answer him. "Oh! well- I also like you.. since, I dont know either." You said. Both stunned by the confessions, you decided to tease him.

Inching towards him, cupping his face, then, *chu!* a small kiss on the cheek ?! He expected you to kiss him on the lips.., though two could play at that game. Cupping cheeks once again, giving a kiss on your lips

After pulling away, with rose-painted cheeks you suddenly burst into giggles "Hm? What's so funny [name]?" "I-its just the Riddle Rosehearts ! Has fallen inlove ! Hehe !" You replied "Oh shut it !" While bickering for a while, someone finally interupted you two.

"wow ! Lovers quarrel already ?" An orange-haired junior said. While conviniently snapping a pic. "No !" As if on cue, you both said it at the same time.

￫ A/N : I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO END IT TBH SO THE ENDING'S SHITTY IM SK SORRY

But heres p. 2 with two idiots ig 😒

￫ back to the navi ?

[autumnbrambleagain]

good god the mephistopheles fight in wotr

there's so much shit going on you can't see shit

It isn't even Difficult. This isn't a challenge. i'm not being CHALLENGED to find some inventive way of winning.

In a game that gives you THIS many choices of building characters, picking feats and spells--the game also says, there are right and wrong answers to these options. This is a test: have you picked the right answers?

It's being given a fill-in-the-blank test without having taken a class on the subject, and you learn the right answer by learning how you got it wrong. Until you come to the Correct Answer.

Sure, there are several Correct Answers to this bullshit. But that, again, isn't difficult. It isn't challenging me to come up with an inventive strat. It's challenging me to pick one of the synergy exploits that Let Me Win. And You Gotta Pick One.

Because executing those victories isn't HARD. This is about System Knowledge. This is about Knowing that out of the 500 choices you have per-character, if you pick options 37 and 48, you win. If you pick options 13 and 64, you win. If you pick any other options, you did not do this right and you lose.

This doesn't feel like Blackwater, where I learned to give everyone Greater Invisibility and lock enemies down with Mind Fog + Constricting Coils so I can bypass high AC and hit that sweet flatfoot AC. That? That was honestly good game design.

This is asking me: Do you have the Obligatory (literally) 40 buffs before this fight starts? Did you realize that the right feat synergies make everyone immortal? Did you take the few options that increase caster level for dispells?

More and more I wish I was playing DOS2, where the difficulty was in coming up with ways to USE the powers you picked in synergy, not in picking the right ones to start with. Where difficulty was in how you maneuvered your pieces, where you set up your guys and what you did with them. I can remember so many exciting, wild fights from DOS2 that demanded I pull off some crazy last-second maneuver or desperate action. I remember reloading on a bunch of fights and going, wait, no, I can do this better. I have a better plan this time.

I can't remember a single fight outside of Blackwater where I felt like I was really engaged with the game. Whenever I died in WotR, I'd go, ah, right, there's a fight coming up. Reload. Cast buffs. Cast more buffs. Walk into the fight. Kill everything unopposed. Neat. This has always been an utterly boring binary pass/fail system.

This game demands: did you spend the entirety of the 00s on the GitP forum, theorycrafting level 20 min-max builds despite no tabletop game lasting that long? Is your one love in life looking up a dozen different splatbooks to assemble the ultimate god-character whose stats are The Biggerest and has Even Biggerer stats than the gods' statlines because you have Such Big Stats Oh My God Look At Your Spell DC Wow.

This isn't a challenge. This isn't difficult. This is an interactive fiction adventure game, and like all classic Sierra bullshit, you lose because you did not intuit 100 hours ago the right items you needed to have at the end of the game.

When my buffs are up, and I pick the spell that does Mostest Damage each turn… I win, i just, I win that's it there's nothing to be done about it i won. I didn't do anything clever--i put the mostest manylots buffs on and hit Big Damage Dice Roll Please.

In this case, I lose because I hadn't encountered anything that NEEDED to be dispelled before and was higher level than 20+CL (which is fucking 38 right now and i need 41 which means they literally intend you to have the dispell increasing feats so guess it's time to go and spend an hour respeccing my characters for one single boss lol)

If a game gives you 500 choices, and only 50 of those let you win, it's a bad game. If you let me pick between 10 spells each level and I can only take one, and I NEED to have 4 of them to win and you don't tell me which ones are Fake Choices, it's a bad game. If your difficulty is based entirely around telling the player "ah, you see, 40 hours ago you were given a choice, and it was the wrong one", it's a bad game.

hey, i think this is actually a bad game.

[felixschokehold]

This is just a personal venting post, no need to read or interact. I just need to get this off my chest.

I wish I hadn't been forced to go off to university at 19.

I am diagnosed bpd, bipolar, fetal alcohol syndrome, among other issues. My fetal alcohol isn't that obvious, but I do have learning difficulties/disabilities that were obvious when I barely graduated high school. I was in an abusive household, so my teachers passed off my grades as "bad environment" issues.

I moved in with my Spanish teacher who I was close with at the time when my dad kicked me out when I turned 18. I was no longer getting social security checks for my mom being dead and I was useless to him (I hadn't known about this 900$ support until after, I never saw any of that money while not being able to get new clothes, wearing the same tattered underwear from 5th grade to 12th grade, etc). Anyways, the teacher had her own kids and her own family and eventually they outgrew me and I was sent off to university.

I wasn't ready. I'd taken a gap year and didn't know what I was doing with my life. I was afraid, I was unsure, and I didn't even get accepted into this university. I was in what I call the "stupid people program". I got like 12 on my ACT, if that. I barely graduated high school. This program was meant to try to help out lower class kids to set them up for success. It didn't work.

I dropped out once to move across the country with an ex way older than me, who ended up abandoning me in Seattle not even two weeks after we moved there. I found family that lived out there, and they were so kind and offered to help me out and let me live there and go to school there. But, I felt pressured and decided to go back home to MN because that's what I thought I had to do. I was traumatized and didn't know any better.

I went back, a bunch of really bad shit happened (a lot of sexual assault, alcohol dependency, etc). I dropped out when I was put on academic probation because I failed all of my classes. I attended two of like six classes one time each and never went again the whole semester.

Now I have this fear, trauma, and stigma surrounding university and I am so scared to go back. I frequently have dreams about being back on campus, feeling good, but I wake up and just want to cry because I know it won't go like that.

I am going to have to have so much learning assistance to get through certain classes. I know that. And it makes me feel ill because my dad's screaming, taunting voice of, "you're just some fucking retarded cunt who can't do anything" sits in the back of my mind any time anything about learning comes up.

Not to mention the extensive debt I am in for trying and trying and trying to make something of myself when I wasn't ready.

I've been set up for failure since before I was born. And I can never be good enough to graduate from university.

[dodger-chan]

Trying to come up with something for the wip themes game @greenlikethesea tagged me into, and utterly failing. In part because if I could accurately pick out themes I'd have done way better in English class. But also because I don't think what I'm currently working with are particularly strong thematically (and maybe that's why I'm having trouble finishing them). So there is no chart but there is a bit of a ramble (cut for length).

I have added words to three documents in the last 24 hours.

40s au:

The closest thing this has to an underlying theme is how much fun it is to try and imitate Chandler's style. Eddie is a surprisingly good fit for Marlowe's particular brand of cynicism, and Steve works fairly well as the easygoing and charming parts of Terry Lennox, as well as his desire for the approval of others. If I do keep going with this, and hew closer towards the plot of The Long Goodbye, the main themes will be loss and grief; not mourning a death, but the friendship you thought you had and the person you thought your friend was. But at this point in what I'm writing it's, well

“Was that your bed?” he asked. I nodded. He frowned at me. Pouted, rather. It was still pretty. “But you weren’t in it.” “I was not,” I agreed. “I don’t like to bother guests when they’re sleeping.” “I’m awake now,” Harrington pointed out. “Does that mean you’re going to bother me?” “I don’t think you’d be all that bothered.”

Which is terribly fun but doesn't exactly encourage me to write a story about love not being enough to overcome your principles, even when you wish it was.

Steve loves rocky

I really need to post some of that one, because the beginning does stand on its own as well as being an introduction to the rest of the story. The theme of this one is that Steve Harrington identifies with and is jealous of Brad Majors. Why aren't his unexpected horrors horny aliens? Why can't the worst thing he's experienced be a few bites of accidental cannibalism? (Why won't a hot guy get into bed with him through deception, stay there through coercion, and fuck his brains out without Steve ever having to admit either out loud or to himself what he wants?)

I'm not entirely sure I'm even writing that one in the right pov, let alone what the actual themes are.

Alibi

Nearly 3000 words of Steve gives Eddie a fake alibi for Chrissy's murder by pretending they hadn't broken up a few weeks prior. This one touches on a lot of the themes on that list including fear, guilt and forgiveness, and weakness, but doesn't have any one theme that runs through the whole story. Which might be how it's 3000 words without an ending. Though I'm not sure it really should have a wholly satisfying ending, it does need to do something more than just stop.

[bioswear]

I'm a AAA game dev who went to grad school at a different program from SMU Guildhall and regretted it bc my own program was a scam with instructors who hadn't been in the industry for 10+ years. Is that just how it is everywhere?

Oh buddy (gender neutral) I’m so sorry to hear that you also had a shit experience :(

Unfortunately from various people my age who also went to other programs, it just sounds like the state of game/animation programs are decreasing in quality every fucking year 😔 and it’s honestly something that really fires me up bc so many students are being affected and so many of these kids are either trying to get their masters and higher education in hopes of getting a job or because they couldn’t find a job out of college, but instead they’re spending 100k+ on programs that literally put out false advertisements and then not only are they in debt but they end up sometimes SO far behind where students who take like, CGMA or Gnomon workshops are (because those are taught by CURRENT devs who have the time)

We had an entire faculty of white men who hadn’t been involved in any current AAA dev cycles for like, ten years, as well and it SHOWED. Our art teacher (the same jackass who decided to fail me out of my masters degree bc he literally didn’t like me) refused to teach us fucking MAYA ? Like I was lucky to have learned it in undergrad. His logic was “Maya is only for the masters to use.” Like??? Are we NOT in a masters program???

We only had TWO women on faculty, one was the academic advisors wife and another was a Korean woman who had a very, what I could only describe as being the equivalent to when minorities vote Republican? Idk if that makes sense but I didn’t trust her even tho she was a WOC bc she remained incredibly neutral or ignorant in advocating for students of color.

We had an incredibly ignorant academic advisor who told me I would never make it in any game Studio because I had “strong opinions” and those opinions were “hey maybe the game designer student lead should listen to her devs that she’s making redo maps for five different times and crunch disgustingly instead of demanding more feature creep”

And Not to just bitch further about my own woes, but at least for mine, we were told we would be learning ALL facets of art for games (like rigging and animation, VFX, character art, etc. - literally all facets) and we got maybe like, Environment art only for four years bc Boris couldn’t stand to fucking do anything else (he didn’t even teach us trim sheets tho…) and then we had one 1hr zbrush class that met once a week for the first semester only, and the rest was like “good luck. Go! Jump! What? Your parachute has a hole in it? Sucks for you not my problem BYEEEEE” and I ended up literally teaching myself character art through YouTube and feeling bad for asking Senior character devs on Twitter for advice and feedback.

TLDR: unfortunately yes, the state of games programs seems to be shitty everywhere and I wish I could Gordon Ramsay kitchen nightmare a solution for all programs so devs and artists and everyone who invests actually gets the education and training they paid for

[nisetsundere]

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 26: What are you craving right now? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

yooo, you even included the q's in the ask, that's handy :)

uhh this went long so read more

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? you know, I'd like to say no, but the other day I accidentally tripped over some seething rage I had all bundled up somewhere, and I've been passingly mad when I think about it from time to time since then. I've made a lot of bad decisions in schooling, but when I was still new and fresh to uni and actually a good student, I got into Japanese and they brought up the study abroad opportunity. A semester in japan, being paid to be there, while going to school there and stuff? it was an incredible opportunity and it looked like I was gonna be able to go -- I jumped through all the hoops. as the deadline approached, I checked in and discovered that there was only a single component missing -- one of my letters of recommendation hadn't been submitted yet. I checked in with the prof, and she was like, yeah I'll get to it no sweat. deadline approaches closer and I bug her more and more about it, like, uh, hey, I kinda need that next week, by Friday? it's in three days? PLEASE, it's TOMORROW. but on the submit forum, it has a deadline written on the doc, and that's the deadline for the uni to send the paperwork, NOT the deadline that the uni had established for all the paperwork being turned in. so despite my continual clear and desperate pleas, she straight-out didn't believe me about the deadline. about two weeks after the deadline she told me "I tried to drop it off but they said the deadline was two weeks ago?" and it's like.. yeah.. as I told you, many times, both in email and in person... I couldn't go because you didn't do it on time........

I think about it a lot. It was prolly a turning point of sorts for me. a semester abroad would've invigorated me and I very well mightta succeeded all the way through uni. instead I started ditching more, taking things less seriously, failing a few classes. failing a lot of classes. dropping out. starting because one person thought I was like, lying about the deadline being earlier, and putting it off to the last minute.. but eh. could be that my course was gonna end that way either way tbh, could just be coincidental timing. I'm back in uni now to finish it up, so as long as I don't fuck it up this time......

26: What are you craving right now? aaah just some time with my friends and girlfriend, I've been busy lately and wish I could just take a day off and go catch a movie or play a game or something..

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? well, I'm sure I did as a kid yeah, but not in recent memory. I did go outside wearing nothing but shorts quite recently, but it was the dead of night and pouring rain, I doubt anyone saw me. my chest is really very hairy so I'm a bit self-conscious of being observed unless it's like a pool or beach or something. naked is out of the question :p

70: Is there anyone you would die for? not to be dramatic, but absolutely yeah. I have so many friends and coworkers that have such promising futures, if a gunman were to threaten them, I would 100% take a bullet for them.

thank you for the ask, TNT !! you triggered some Lore with that first one, sorry for the lengthy answer :p

[ginbrucobooks]

Rugby boys

Walking down an empty hallway looking for my cousin, whom I hadn't seen since that morning, I ended up crashing into a hard wall of muscle of a familiar blonde boy and falling down.

"Sorry, didn't see you there." Said some blonde guy I vaguely recognized. "Have we met before? I feel like I've seen you somewhere."

"Not really, no" I lied, not wanting to bother myself with another conversation. I had hit my social quota for the day.

"Wait I do know you. You were that girl that Paul prick got handsy with a couple of months ago." The blonde guy almost screamed in realisation.

"Will you please lower your voice, I don't like people knowing my business" I said frustrated with myself for not running away from this guy the first chance I got.

"I'm sorry for what happened that night, and for screaming now. Though I wish you would have admitted we knew each other, I was pretty worried about how you were doing." Said the lad, confusing me because why would he be worried about me when we hardly knew each other?

"I'm Gerard by the way but everybody calls me Gibsie, what's your name?"

"I'm Maeve, I don't have a nickname, and I'm fine thanks." I replied feeling unsure about this whole interaction.

"Well, Maeve what are you doing out in the corridors, aren't you supposed to be in class?" Gibsie asked, seeming genuinely curious.

"Aren't you?" I replied.

"Touche. So?"

"So, what?" I asked exasperated.

"So, what are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for my cousin, it's her first day too and I haven't seen her since morning." I stated, deciding to tell him the truth in case he had seen her.

"And what does this cousin look like?" He asked suddenly looking panicked.

"She's very short, skinny, brown haired and blue eyed. Why, did you cross paths with her?" I asked curious.

"So, Maeve I know we haven't known each other very long but I'm going to need to ask you a favour. I'm going to tell you a story and you are not going to be mad." He said looking a bit guilty.

"Um... okay." I replied, utterly confused.

"So, during practice my centre – Johnny Kavanagh, you know him? – kind of hit her with a rugby ball to the head. I think they went to the principal since Majella, our nurse, is on maternity leave. Before you start screaming at me that we are all a bunch of irresponsible eejits, which – fair – we are, I want you to know that it was a complete accident and that none of us would ever intentionally hurt a girl." Said Gibsie all in one breath.

"What. The. Fuck." I said fuming.

Their bigshot rugby player, featured in all kinds of articles and known all around town for his talent and his reputation, had decked my cousin in the head on her first day.

Not even bothering to warn Gibsie, I sprinted down the corridor looking for the principal's office. A few minutes later, when I finally found it, I opened the door and spotted my concussed looking cousin, missing a skirt, and wearing what looked like a rugby jersey that barely covered her legs.

"What the hell happened here?" I exclaimed furious. That is when my eyes found the steel blue ones of what obviously had to be the famous Johnny Kavanagh.

After a few second of shocked silence, I repeated my question, which seemed to get Johnny out of whatever momentary shock he was in.

"Yes... I... um..." said Shannon trying, and failing, to stand up and explain the situation.

Feeling my anger suddenly dissipate at the sight of Shannon clearly struggling, I helped her sit down again and started to glare at the culprit of the situation.

Johnny Kavanagh was just as the rumours described him, incredibly tall, with dark blue hair, light blue eyes and a facial structure worthy of a Greek good. When I looked at him I could feel the agitation radiating off him, he was clearly nervous about wether or not this incident would land him in trouble.

Finally meeting my eyes, he sighed and started talking.

"So, how do you know her?" He stated pointing at Shannon.

"That's my cousin you maimed, dickhead." I said feeling my previous anger returning. Shannon had been looking forward to her new start at Tommen, she had been catching up with old friends and looking like she was genuinely having fun at school for the first time in her life. Then this guy came along, made a bad pass and screwed it all up.

Not only that, but he also messed up my first day too, I was enjoying a school day finally free of responsibilities, where I wouldn't have to watch my back – or Shannon's – every second of the day. Looking at his hand I found what happened to be the remains of my cousin's skirt, clearly broken and muddy. Great that means she probably flashed the whole rugby team. Nobody is ever going to let her live it down.

Silently saying goodbye to whatever short-lasting peace I had felt in this school, I took a deep breath and walked towards the dickhead responsible for my imminent mental breakdown.

"You want to tell me exactly what happened, and why, pray tell, do you have her skirt in your hands?" I said feeling ready to pounce, uncaring that the lad had clearly more pull than me in this school and that he could probably sweep this under the rug if he wanted to.

"This is absolutely not what it looks like. Your cousin was cutting across the rugby field and happened to be knocked out – accidentally – because of a bad pass, which I regretfully made." He said, having the courage to be angry at the accusation.

"When she got up, she accidentally ripped her skirt, so, to not let her wander around in her tights, I gave her my jersey."

"So, you knocked her out, ripped her skirt but then gave her your jersey. Well, thank you Jimmy that fixes everything." I said purposefully addressing him with the wrong name, I had a feeling this guy could stand to be knocked down a peg or ten.

"It's Johnny and I'm going to talk to the team, nobody is going to say a word about what they saw, I can assure you that." He announced looking oddly sure of himself, like he truly believed what he was saying.

"If you truly believe that then you are an idiot. This kind of thing always gets out, and when it does – because it will – I will make your life miserable."  I replied, knowing that while I may have had little power here at Tommen, I was neither defenceless nor powerless. I had Joey and his whole group of friends that were somewhat connected to everyone in Ballylaggin, and, if I wanted, I could make sure that Johnny Kavanagh would be known around there as the creep that ripped off Shannon's skirt.

"Wow, slow down. I'm just trying to help." He said as if that made it any better.

"Well, thank you Jimmy, but we don't need your help. Now kindly, go screw yourself." I concluded.

"Jaysus, you're feisty, aren't you. I'm just trying to make amends."

"Then go away. That would make me very happy. Go on. Run away and I won't tell it was you that knocked her out." I said, testing him to see if he was a coward as well as a dick.

"What. No, I won't do that, I can take responsibility for my actions. I'm a big boy, besides it was an accident. I'm sure whoever is coming next is going to be more understanding than you." He said and I almost wanted to laugh, if Marie was coming here then he would be dead in the next five minutes.

In that moment our principal, whose name I had yet to learn, decided to walk in with none other than my five months pregnant aunt.

"Shannon!" She screamed, almost making me believe she cared about what happened to her daughter. "What happened?"

Knowing Shannon was nowhere near lucid enough to handle this conversation I decided to jump in and answer for her.

"Are you blind? What do you think happened to her." I said feeling uninterested in the hysterics she was displaying at the moment. "Captain Wonder hit her in the head with his bleedin' ball." Johnny' eyes settled on me, traitor they seemed to say.

"What did you do to my daughter?" Marie screamed. "Did you think it was funny?"

"What! No, it was a complete accident I didn't mean to hurt her." He said glaring at me. I said nothing, enjoying the misunderstanding.

In that moment Shannon seemed to gather enough clarity to try and defend the guy, but her pleas fell on deaf ears and the whole interaction ended with Crazy Marie actually threatening Johnny. I found the situation hilarious, with Johnny looking utterly bewildered and my aunt, who – for once – was sticking up for Shannon, but to the wrong person.

Once Marie took Shannon to get her head checked out, I went back to class, or rather I tried to before I was rudely grabbed by the arm by no one other than the boy wonder himself.

[moinsbienquekaworu]

Who wants to learn about morphosyntax? Nobody, that's who, but unfortunately I have an exam on this tomorrow, so I'm going to explain it in painful detail to you because I don't want to get a bad grade. (morphosyntax is grammar and it's boring)

This is an exercise where I try to explain it off the top of my head to see what sticks and what I need to check again, unless you're interested in the content of my shitty grammar classes you're free to skip honestly I don't want to inflict useless grammar on poor bystanders

First chapter, time, tense, and aspect. What are those? Good question.

Time is when a sentence would be put on a timeline, either in the past, the present, the future, or the irrealis use, which is for events that haven't actually happened (if I were rich, I wish you hadn't eaten my cookies, you get the idea.) Tense is the tense of the verb, ie past or present really, because there's no future in your language, it's just a modal. Generally, they're the same, unless it's future/irrealis.

Aspect is - well I had to go looking through my notes for that one and I don't see what the point of that one is tbh. It's if the action is finished or not? Like, is it going to start (prospective), still happening (progressive), finished (perfective), or it keeps happening (iterative). I think the way we're evaluated on that is making little timelines so I'm good. I can also see - oh yeah. For the present you can have four aspects, continuative, resultative, existential and hot news, and for the past it's either continuative, resultative, or irrealis. Don't know what that is lol I'll just ignore it.

Second chapter is much worse, it's all about clause structure.

Definitions first: a sentence is what you call a sentence, capital letter + end-of-sentence punctuation at the end. A clause is a group of word with a verb, a sentence can have one (clausal sentence) or multiple (compound sentence). A phrase is a group of word around a head verb, you can have multiple types (noun phrase around a head noun, verb phrase around a phrase, preposition phrase around a preposition...) "You are such a bitch why do you eat my cereals?" is a sentence, "you are such a bitch" and "why do you eat my cereals" are clauses, and "eat my cereals" is a verb phrase around eat.

Now, say hi to the thing that traumatised me in latin & greek and is the reason I hate grammar, functions. Clauses/words have functions in sentences, which sounds easy when your sentence is "I hate grammar." (I is subject, hate is the verb and grammar is a direct object) But like, it's just such a pain for my brain, it simply Does Not work like that in my head and I hate it. I mean, object, subject, sure, but a predicative complement? complement of preposition? all those adjuncts? Fuck right off.

Speaking of adjuncts <3 adjuncts add meaning to the sentence but can be safely deleted and the sentence still means something. There's adjuncts of time, manner, place, duration, frequency, degree, condition, purpose, result, concession, and cause/reason. Useless bullshit but apparently I have to learn that.

Arguments are - things the sentence needs to work? "The cat sleeps." has one arguments, the cat, but "He invited his mom." has two, he and his mom. That's a verb's valency btw, the minimum number of arguments for the verb to work in a textbook example sentence. Usually you need to arguments for listen (I listen to music) and even if "he never listens" has a single arguments and is a proper sentence that's an exception not a rule.

Backtracking, there's also this thing called constituency tests, to see if the thing is a constituent (what are those, good question), which are replacing that part with it and asking what, and if you can then it's a constituent (in "how you behave is important", how you behave can be replaced by it and you can ask "what is important?" so it is a constituent) What is it if it fails the test? Fuck if I know.

Lastly I will say that syntax trees exist but 1) I'm not getting the graphics tablet out for that and 2) they just use what I explained here so I'm good.

Okay now that was (not) great but it could have been worse, see you next time I need to study for a test!

[wildroseparadise]

End of May: James Potter x reader

Pairing: James Potter x reader [Marauders Era]

Word count: 810 words

Requested: No.

Summary: Imagine spending a warm day talking outside with James, having it turn into one of the happiest moments of your life.

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, fluff, and even more fluff, talk of the future [Please tell me if I missed any!]

This is part of a series but each part can be read independently! [Part I] [Part II]

Want to join my TAGLIST? Follow the link, please!

He looked up at you then, in the middle of laughing at another one of his own stupid jokes that never failed to make you smile, your body rocking lightly at his movement.

Although, this time you hadn't heard it- this time you had been too preoccupied with the way his lips curled up in a grin and how his eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks when the corners of his eyes crinkled.

Normally, his eyes are a deep brown with a hint of green. But not now. Here, in the sun, that is no longer good enough to describe them. The brown melts into copper and golden rays; the green resembling the flora growing at the bottom of the Black Lake.

"You okay there, sweetheart?" he teases, hand running through his hair in a failed attempt to tame the unruly curls.

"Uh... Oh!" your eyes widen in embarrassment, "Yeah, sorry..." you look down at your bare arm where it rests next to your boyfriend's head on your lap. It was much warmer than usual for the end of May.

James turns so that he lays with his chest on the thin blanket, chin now resting on your thigh, instead, "Am I making you blush, Y/n?" you felt heat rushing up your neck, staining your cheeks and ears with a rosy tint.

You cross your arms in front of your chest, shifting your weight to sit against the grass more comfortably, "Am not!" you exclaim, desperate to defend yourself, "Yeah, yeah... sure, sweetness." James's smirk seems to have been permanently edged onto his face. You frown.

"I'm serious, Jamie!" you whine, "No, you're not! I'm fairly sure we left Sirius up at the castle," if looks could kill, James would be dead.

"Okay, I'll stop. Promise," he lifts the hem of your skirt, pecking your naked thigh. You smile, "Mmh," giving a pleased sigh, he breaths against your warm skin, "I wish it could be like this forever," you dream.

"Who says it can't? What's stopping us?" you laugh, "Well, for one, we've got potions class in an hour." your joke earning you a chuckle from your boyfriend.

"No, I mean it." you brush your fingers through his wild curls, choosing to ignore the question when you realize just how many versions of an answer you can give.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Y/n," he sits up and grabs your hands in both of his, "I know we're young but we're in our last year- and- and we've already been together for nearly two years-" his stuttering gives his nerves away, but you squeeze his hands reassuringly.

"I don't- oh, for fuck's sake," he curses under his breath, and you giggle in response, "I don't see a future in which you are not by my side, sweetheart."

"Oh, Jamie!" you launch at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him deeply. You barely pull away, foreheads resting against each other's and laughing when you tip backwards. Falling back on the grass; James's back against the warmed earth, and you straddling his thighs, he pecks the corners of your lips as if in a craze.

"Marry me," he whispers against your cheek, more of a desperate beg than a question. Your breath catches in your throat, "What?" you're unsure if your ears betrayed you, "Marry me?" he kisses your cheek before pulling away, moving his arms around your waist, and pulling you secure against him.

"I love you more than anything in the entire world. I know that you worry about us being too young, but we'll wait to get married if you want to- whatever you want. I just want to give myself entirely to you, I want to be able to call you my fiancée." a lone tear falling down your cheek, causing James to panic and start to ramble.

"I swear, that if you say yes, I will spend every moment of the rest of my life making sure that we can be like this, even if you say no-" you pull your hand out of your boyfriend's grasp, caressing his right cheek with your palm, finger brushing against a faint scar under his eye, "Yes..."

James quietens down, eyes searching yours for any speck of doubt, but finding none, "What?" he breathes out shakily. Your smile widens, "Yes. Yes! A hundred times yes!" the two of you laugh.

"You mean it? Because I tho-" you smother his lips with yours to quiet him. Pulling away, you nod to assure him that you did mean it.

"I don't even have a ring to give you, yet!" he seems to realize,

"Jamie, calm down. It's okay," you laugh, kissing him again,

"You deserve a ring, though, sweetheart," he frowns,

"Okay, then you'll get one," he nods seeming to like your idea.

A/N: I hope you like this one! There is going to be a second part to this story where you tell your friends and then when James goes ringshopping with the Marauders when Lily is keeping you busy.

Want to join my TAGLIST? Follow the link, please!

[a-is-for-abel]

"“I’m moving.” He froze, glancing up at his friend. The other boy’s eyes were gleaming with suppressed sobs, breath hitching and jaw clenched. “Mom got a job in another state and we’re moving in a month.”

Inspired by this prompt by @givethispromptatry

Sand and shells crunched under the belly of the kayak as it ran aground. With a wobble and a curse he tumbled into the water, paddle floating away from him and kayak shooting off in the opposite direction.

"Fuck."

He scrambled to collect both, tossing the paddle up onto the beach and grabbing the handle at the bow of the kayak to tow it onto shore.

"You're late."

He rolled his eyes and glanced over his shoulder to see Warren in all his cut-offs and sandals glory. "And you're early."

Warren crossed his arms. "I'm literally the most on time, dude."

"Whatever, just-- Help me grab the stuff."

He popped open the watertight chamber in front of the seat and reached into the belly of the kayak, all while Warren struggled to pull the backpack out from under the cage of bungee cords at the front.

"Just unhook them, dude," he said, his cellphone and two unopened cream sodas finally in hand.

"Don't tell me how to do it."

"It's not going to--"

"Shit!" Warren yelped, recoiling and clutching his hand.

"Told you."

Warren flicked him off, but turned to do what he said anyway.

"Come on, suns gonna start setting soon." He grabbed his backpack from Warren and stuffed the drinks and his phone inside.

"What? Afraid of some gators?"

"No," he said. "Rather a gator than my dad."

Warren grimaced. "He still got you on that curfew?"

"Yup."

He picked his way through the mangrove thicket that cut the beach off from the rest of the spoil island. The roots of the black mangroves jutted up like fingers through the sand and the stilts of the red mangroves tried their best to snag his feet as he ducked under the sprawling web of an orb weaver hidden in their midst. Thankfully, it cleared out past the initial wall of foliage, becoming more barren with only the occasional thicket.

He remembered when his dad had led them through here the first time and explained that the mangroves kept the spoil islands standing. That when hurricanes and storms threatened to wash them away, their roots would act like a little army, keeping off any barrage and harboring whatever took up shelter under them.

He frowned. His dad and him hadn't come out here since--

"Fuck, fuck, fu--" Warren sputtered behind him, high-pitched.

"Web?" he asked, glancing back to see Warren flinching away from a tree.

"Yeah, fuck--" Warren brushed his arms off frantically and patted at his hair. "Fucking spiders all over the fucking place, man. They call it Mosquito Lagoon, but it really should be spider god damn la-- Fuck!"

"Nice one, ‘spider god damn la-fuck’ really has a special sort of ring to it."

Warren shot him a glare and dusted off his shoulders and the front of his shirt with quick flicks. "You owe me for psychological damages..."

"Come on, we used to come out here all the time."

"When I was like ten! And with your dad!" Warren cowered away from another web that sprawled from a lone tree. "And I didn't have as much free real estate for a spider to like, you know-- Crawl all over me or whatever."

"Free real estate?"

"Yeah, you know the whole--" Warren gestured vaguely. "The meme."

"God, please stop," he groaned. "That shits like, what, twenty-seventeen? That's like ancient history, man."

"It's a classic."

"Sure," he muttered. "A classic."

"Whatever, man, you're just not cultured."

He scoffed. "That's definitely it."

The other end of the island unfolded into a drop-off, all coquina and shells packed tightly together and built up into a mound that cut off abruptly into nothing. It was the highest point of the island-- of most of the spoils out here honestly-- even though it's small cliff had been eaten away and eroded over time, shrinking and shifting as the island shrank with the waves.

Dropping his backpack, he sat and dangled his legs over the edge, shoes knocking back against the coquina with a scratchy rasp. Warren plopped down beside him, keeping his legs folded and away from the plunge. Not that it was much of a sheer cliff. Only about eight feet down at the most, but enough that it felt like a lot. Compared to the average of three feet below sea level for the rest of the mainland; eight feet felt pretty fucking huge.

The tide lapped at the base of the island, the water hissing and coiling, writhing and alive where it squirmed through the holes bored through the coquina face and back out with a soft crackle. Crabs, tiny and mottled, darted in and around the rocks and he could see finger mullet, their scales flashing as they turned and twisted with the waves.

"You tied up your kayak, right?" Warren asked.

"Naw, but it should be fine. I pulled it up pretty far."

"I'm not sharing if you get stuck out here."

He frowned, shooting Warren his best puppy dog eyes. "You'd leave me out here?"

"Yes."

He chuckled. "Fair."

Seagulls drifted in lazy circles far overhead, the occasional cry working its way down to them as the birds banked with the wind, following the gusts up to where they could catch a glimpse of a meal beneath the water. One wheeled down in a sudden arc, wings folded close to its side as it plummeted, beak first, into the water with a snap and then back out with a spray.

"Man, tough luck..." Warren said. "Hate whenever they miss. Makes me feel kinda bad."

"They're just gonna go do what the rest do and steal some fries at the jetty once they realize it's easier than doing this."

"Yeah, but it's like-- I don't know, man. Just wish he'd get a win."

"You don't even know him!"

"I feel like we have a connection." Warren pointed at where the seagull had gone back to patrolling the waters. "Me and seagull number one thousand and three, we're like this--" He crossed his fingers.

"Shut up," he snorted.

They watched the seagull try again and fail.

Warren started up a running commentary after the third attempt, cupping a hand over his mouth to imitate the slight grain of a sports announcer's microphone as he dramatized the whole thing. When the seagull finally managed to snag a fish Warren cheered, arms thrown up in a touchdown motion that he copied with a grin.

"Hell yeah, dude!" Warren high-fived him.

"Where's all that enthusiasm for when you're at my games?" he asked.

"Come on, dude, you know I always cheer the loudest. You're just too far out on the field to hear me."

"I'm sure that's what it is."

"Whatever, man-- What'd you bring anyway?" Warren grabbed his backpack and began rummaging through it. "Oh shit! Gummy bears, dude! And the good kind, hell yeah!"

"Yeah, grabbed them before I came here. That's why I was late, idiot."

Warren tore open the package. "Crimes forgiven, man. This is worth it."

"Give me that--" He pulled his backpack out of Warren's lap. "I also got some soda, but I guess all you care about is your precious little bears."

"Naw, naw-- Hand that over."

"Rude much?"

"What? You want me to kiss you on the lips for it first, bro?"

He laughed. "Now, that would be the polite thing to do."

Warren puckered his lips at him and then snatched the soda. "Fuck off."

"Not even a little kiss?" he teased.

"You dragged me out to spider-fuck-nowhere, while it's ass fucking hot out and where it smells like rotting fish taint-- Just to watch the fucking sunset, when we could have sat on my roof and done the exact same thing-- You expect a kiss for that?"

He shrugged. "Yeah. Bro code."

Warren snorted. "Hand me a bottle opener, dip shit."

He popped open his own bottle and passed it over to Warren, who struggled for a moment before finally getting it with a triumphant 'whoop'. The mixture of saccharine flavored soda and the slight rotting stench of algae, and whatever else the lagoon had to offer, wasn't exactly pleasant, but it wasn't terrible. It was familiar.

It was homely in it's off kilter sort of way.

"So, why'd you bring me out here anyways?" Warren asked.

He sighed and kicked his heel back against the coquina. "I’m moving.”

Warren sucked in sharply and he glanced over at him.

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at the water below his feet. "Dad got a job in another state and we’re moving in a month.”

"Dude…"

"I didn't know how to tell you. I just--"

"Is that why you decided it'd be a good idea to sneak out and go to that dumb party with me?" Warren asked, frowning.

"I figured it would be one of the last chances I had to do something fun, you know. Here. Before I just-- Leave all this shit forever. I mean, we're moving to fucking Ohio, man. Where the fuck am I gonna find a party on an island out there?"

"Right…"

"And look, fuck my dad--"

"Jake--"

"No, fuck him-- He didn't even--" he huffed. "Things were looking up, man. Varsity lacrosse in sophomore year, that's huge, dude. And I wasn't just the fucking loser kid in the back of class anymore and he just--"

"Works rough here, dude..." Warren cut him off, sighing. "Space programs taking a shit. Whole island's taking a shit, really. Plenty of people left the first time NASA tanked, remember? It's just… it happens, man."

"So, you're just fine with it then?" he asked, brows furrowing. "We're never going-- I'm never going to see you again and you're just okay with that?"

"It's not forever!" Warren said, throwing out his hands. "There's planes, man! It's the twenty first fucking century. We got phones, dude. We'll stay in touch."

He grit his teeth and looked down.

"Jake, bro. C'mon-- Look at me."

He met Warren's eyes.

"It's gonna be okay, dude." Warren said, smile wide, and he could see the little falter at the edges, but he didn't call him on it. "Look--" Warren held up his bottle. "We'll cheers on it."

"Cheers on what?"

"To staying in touch, to meeting up in the future. To staying friends and all that, I don't know."

"To you finally getting a boyfriend?"

"Actually, you know what, I'm not going to miss you at all."

"Come on--" he grinned, nudging Warren with his shoulder. "You'll miss me."

"Yeah," Warren chuckled, looking down with a small smile. "I will..."

His fingers tightened around the glass bottle in his hand, bottom lip threatening to worry between his teeth. "Look, let's do your dumb cheers thing before it gets too sentimental or whatever."

Warren sighed, seeming to shake himself off before raising his soda bottle above his head and towards the slowly setting sun. "To us."

"To us?" He wrinkled his nose. "Isn't that kinda cheesy?"

"Just shut up and do it."

"Fine..." he grumbled with a grin, raising his bottle to clink against Warren's. "To us."

--

//photo credit// me and my phone c. 2020 //

[oikawas-fav-alien]

Distance | Shirabu Kenjiro x Reader

✧ Summary: Having attended Shiratorizawa Academy from junior high, you were familiar with most of the students in your year. They were average, nothing special — until a certain vbc setter, from god knows whatever small town junior high he crawled out of, changed up your world.

-> warnings: none — maybe language cause it’s shirabu; fluff and slight angst :)

Shirabu Kenjirō was a living, breathing pillar of salt. And it was rightly so. He was the friend, the shoulder to cry on, and the person that everyone viewed as reliable. This was not entirely a bad thing, since he was viewed as much more dependable than others. And this idea was not limited to volleyball. But being placed in that category separated him from the very people who put him there. The girls viewed him as, at most, a friend. He was the king and leader of the friend zone.

It was the end of his second-year and he would soon be taking over as captain of the boys’ volleyball team. He justified lack of love life on the fact that he had bigger things to focus on. And after their crushing defeat, Shirabu reasoned that Shiratorizawa needed a focused captain to lead them to victory.

But the road to triumph was… rather lonely.

Shirabu had his team with him one-hundred percent and silently appreciated them for their confidence and own unfailing determination (he won't admit out loud!) But it seemed like he was surrounded by couples. His kouhai, Goshiki Tsutomu, found comfort in another first-year that was a regular on the women's volleyball team. And another female on the team seemed to be interested with the middle-blocker of Karasuno!1

Couples were disgusting.

Of course, majority of the members of the male volleyball were single. Ushijima was a super volleyball idiot and his focus seemed to never stray from the sport. But even with his cinnamon roll personality, the female base of Shiratorizawa seemed to flock to him. He was undoubtedly very handsome and tall. His grades were well above average and his fan club was incredibly prominent. Ushijima had all the makings of a great man and was noticed as such by a large pool of the student body. The difference was that Ushijima was willingly single.

Shirabu, deep in the non-explored depths of his heart, wanted to be noticed like his Senpai. When playing volleyball, Shirabu strived to be the type of setter that went by unnoticed and drew out the strength of his ace. And he knew the consequences of such. But still. He was the main setter on a highly prominent team and his skills are not hard to notice.

Maybe it was his rough personality? Pft. He would never change that for a person, no matter how special.

Shirabu was above average height and had amazing grades in a prestigious powerhouse. What wasn’t there to like? His sense of style was trendy and he was complimented on his clothes more than once. He as not too preppy like Goshiki and not too wild like Tendou. Was it his looks? His bangs were unusual, but they weren't as bad as coconut-head/bowl/Goshiki. Since entering adolescence, he failed to ever break-out and was blessed with marvelous clear skin. On more than one occasion, he would stare at the mirror and truly wonder just why.

Why was no one interested?

Enter you.

You attended Shiratorizawa in both middle and high school. Coming from a wealthy family, there was nothing standing in your way. You were fairly popular and had seen the multiple personalities flit through your advanced classes. And in your first-year came Shirabu, an outsider to Shiratorizawa from a lower-class middle school. After being in the system for three-years, you knew almost everyone and seeing a new face was refreshing.

From the very start, you wanted to bet to know him more. But he was incredibly reclusive and mysterious to the general student body. Nobody could answer your questions. Well. Nobody except a certain Salami and volleyball idiot. You shared an advanced statistics class with the two third-year volleyball players in your first year and from them you were able to peer more and more into the life of Shirabu Kenjirō.

“Why do you want to know, (F/N)-chan?” Tendou instigated, “You have a crush on him?”

“Please, Salami calm down.” He raised his hands and gasped, “Come on. There isn’t a single person in this school who I don’t know and suddenly nobody knows anything about him?”

“He is smart and adaptable.” Ushijima chimed in.

“And a little shit, that’s for sure.” Tendou stated. You rolled your eyes and returned your attention back to the statistics teacher. Sure, you wanted to learn more. But this class was hella hard and you still needed good grades. Eventually, you were able to gradually acquire more information and Kenjirō. You learned that he was the only player from the boys’ volleyball team to not get into Shiratorizawa with a sports scholarship. Instead, he got in on his own accord through the arduous exams and good grades.

The more you discovered, the more you liked him.

Shirabu had a work ethic that you hadn't seen in a while. Being in this particular school-system for so long ruined your perception of it. You perceived most of your classmates to have a truly pretentious or judgmental personality, but showing to be as sweet as honey to your face. Of course they wanted to be your friend, who wouldn't with your last name?

He hadn't.

Shirabu was straight-forward with a tongue laced with salt. Sign you the fuck up!

He had no qualms about talking back to you and you looked forward to your daily banter with an odd smile. It was strange. You could get any nice, sweet boy in the whole school. But what was the point if they didn't mean it? Shirabu was honest - a trait that should never be given up, even if it offended others. You would rather have someone give you genuine advice - even if it was mostly mean - rather than an empty friendship.

You had majority of the same classes together for the second year in a row. And you were the only person who would had the immediate desire to sit next to Shirabu as a partner. You silently viewed him as a friend, but there was always this barrier that you could never get over for your friendship to deepen. His time was always dedicated to volleyball. And you did not play any sports anymore.

You watched the volleyball team's crushing defeat to Karasuno and the heartbreak it caused to so many people, Shirabu included. The women's team was resorted to tears and you could not even look at the men for too long. Reon and Semi were so sweet and you wished you could protect them for all the bad in the world. You had never seen Shirabu cry before.

Shirabu... He seemed to only display emotion around his team. And this made sense since those were the people that he was closest too. The rare occasion you had seen his smile was when you had watched a game. They had an overwhelming victory against Johzenji High and you spotted the small grin on Shirabu after he scored the winning point. Your heart could barely take it. You only wished that he showed that side more to you...

He was friendly, but distant enough for you to want more. Shirabu was not cold to you and his harsh chitchat did not hold any true malice behind his words. But he never opened up to you. You wanted to learn more about him personally and if you wanted to, you would have to pry and almost force him to speak. He would give curt answers and then be done with the conversation. But, on more than one occasion, you would spot him typing away on his phone. It was no secret that the boys’ and girls’ volleyball team were fairly close and had a groupchat shared amongst them. You silently wondered if he was texting a girl from the team.

That thought had you instantly deflated and made you wondering if you ever had a chance with Shirabu. You were not one to be easily defeated, but with every brief conversation and blank expression he gave you, you considered giving up altogether. This happened around Valentine’s Day of your first-year. Shirabu was abnormally delighted and even smiled in the classroom at someone’s joke. You figured that sure, it was the day of love and he probably had something lined up for himself and his significant other – that was why he was so happy. And it hurt your heart. He smiled, but it was never because of you.

From there forward, you tended to avoid him to evade the imminent heartache every time you saw him. This was hard since you literally sat next to each other in most classes, but something entirely doable. You would leave the classroom immediately after class, show up right before it started, and not initiate conversation. It was always you that had previously opened up discussion, so when you had stopped there was little to none at all.

Shirabu caught up to your change and silently questioned it. On multiple occasions, you would catch him observing you from the corner of your eye and you silently hoped he would not question you outloud. Within a week, he was ready to corner you.

You were at your locker right after class, ready to pack-up and head over to photography club. He was silently bounding towards you and when you closed the locker he was standing right-there before your eyes.

“Did I do something to offend you?” He asked the moment your locker closed.

“No…” You stated haphazardly, clutching your backpack.

“You’re never his quiet or shy.” He noted, “Did something else happen?”

“I have to get to photography club…” Shirabu put his arm on the locker and blocked your exit. He was tall and there was no way you could out-run him, you were trapped.

“Don’t lie. We know it starts in twenty-minutes. You might be on the executive board, but you have a lot of time.” He sighed out, locking to the ceiling and then back to you. “Why are you ignoring me?”

“… Am I your friend, Shirabu?”

“Of course.” He did not hesitate to answer. “And it’s Kenjirō.”

“What?”

“Call me by my first name.”

“Oh.” You paused and let the name roll of your tongue, “Then you should call me by my first name too, Kenjirō-kun.” His eyes widened at the added suffix and a rosy dust covered his cheeks.

“Was that it?” He asked, “Come on, (F/N). That’s an immature reason to ignore me.”

“How was I supposed to know?” You questioned, “It never seems like you actually want to talk to me.”

“I’m talking to you now.”

“Outside of this!” You were beyond frustrated, “Ugh I’m fine now go away.” You lightly pushed his arm, but he did not budge.

“As if that would convince me.”

“You are so annoying.” You commented, “You never initiated conversation. I thought I was just bothering you.”

His gaze on you softened and you could not break the eye-contact, “You’re an idiot.” He teased and then ruffled your hair. That was the first time he had ever done physical-contact with you and you almost exploded then and there.

“I’m an idiot?” You repeated before walking away mid-sentence, “I’m hoping you treat your girlfriend better.”

He paused and let us hand drop down to grab your elbow before you go away. “Girlfriend? Where did this come up?”

“I thought…” Shit, you let that thought slip out-loud, “The men and women volleyball teams are close. And I’ve only ever seen you hang-out outside of class with them and those girls. I just assume...”

“You assumed wrong.” He quickly cut-off, “Ugh. What am I going to do with you?” He asked as he grabbed you into a hug. You returned the affection and you knew that a blush must have stained your face! And what was that question?

Shirabu continued, “So was that the real problem? You were jealous of my supposed ‘girlfriend?’” He laughed at his question and you were going to die from his smile. God it was so rare and you wished he graced you with it more!

“No! Don’t get too ahead of yourself!” You yelled back, but it was muffled against his chest. He leaned back to see your face and teased you for your embarrassed expression.

“You’re an idiot.” He laughed again.

Since then, your friendship with Kenjirō was gradually improving. But it seemed that there was this silent barrier that you could not overcome. You could talk about your problems, but not about his. And since then, he had not initiated any physical contact. If you ever brushed hands or simply leaned against him, he should shift away and pretend it never happened! Did you really make any progress?

Finals were coming up and that was giving you one last chance to spend time with Shirabu before the end of the schoolyear. Sure, you could always ask your father and he had the power to put you two in the same class again next year - But! Did you want to waste your last year together pinning after him?

Your study group was comprised of yourself, Shirabu, Kawanishi, and two people from his class. Kawanishi was in Class 5, which was also advanced, but he was so damn lazy! You saw his potential and only wished that he tried harder and quit fucking around.

The three other members of the group were missing that night and the two of you were left alone to grovel over English. Your English was better than Shirabu’s but the opposite could be said about history. You paired each other well and aided the other's faults.

You commented on this once jokingly, saying, "You complete me!" He simply rolled his eyes and brushed it off before continuing to study.

Damn. This boy cannot take a hint.

You attempted to show the boy your advances. But it seemed Shirabu would shut you down at every try, almost like he knew what you were doing and was firmly against it. A part of you considered backing down. He had made his intentions clear for two straight-years, maybe you should not waste another year on someone who obviously does not want your attention?

That thought last for a second before you waved it off. There was no one else you were even remotely interested in. If he said no, that’s fine. But you were probably not going to peruse anyone else.

Both you and Shirabu were spacing out from over-reading the textbook and happened to make eye contact. "What's on your mind?" You asked.

"Things you cannot understand."

"You really think that low of me?"

"No. I'm going to be the captain of the volleyball team in a few weeks."

"Wow."

"There's no way your pampered ass would get it."

"You think about my ass?" You teased, but he pretended to ignore the question. You spent enough time with him to notice the minute narrowing of his eyes and the slight curve in the corner of his left lip.

Damn, this boy had you bad.

"I'm sure you'll do fine, Kenjirō." You comforted, "You're very smart and reliable. I believe that your training won't betray you."

"Reliable..." He murmured. "That's exactly what I'm talking about."

"What do you mean?"

He scoffed at your question, "Exactly. You won't understand."

"Then explain it to me!" You exclaimed.

"Why should I?" He seemed just as inflamed.

"Because I care about you! You big, dumb, idiot!"

Shirabu paused before fully looking at you, surprise evident. "Well, everyone expects this idiot to be reliable and lead the team. But..."

"But...?"

"That's all that people expect from me. To be the smart one. To live to everyone's expectations and shoulder the border of living up to the name ''powerhouse.'" He was getting more agitated and louder with each word.

"Woah, calm down."

"I can't calm down! In a few weeks, I'll lose the ace that I've admired for years and majority of our regular team! How am I supposed to fill in their shoes when we're losing one of the top 3 spikers in the country?"

You had no shame in grabbing his chin and turning his full attention to you. "Listen here you idiot. Don't interrupt me! I said don't! I stopped sports, but I know this is something entirely inevitable. Your senpai's are moving onto the next phase of their lives, but it's not something you can stop or change. You have to accept the future and make the most out of it and I know you will. Shiratorizawa is not the only school with graduation. Your rivals and others will lose their precious third-years and its then will you be able to analyze them and attack. But you need to calm the fuck down."

Shirabu was hanging onto every word. Nodding at some parts and fully taking in what you were trying to convey. At the end of your speech, he pushed your hands away from his face with a slight rosy dust on his cheeks. No woman, outside of his mother, had ever done that to him before.

"You're a real pain, (F/N)." he started, "But thanks. I needed that."

"No problem, I just want you to know that I can be here for you." You extended your hand to cover his own on the desk.

His eyes latched onto your hand before he averted his gaze and attempted to pull his hand away. You kept a tight enough grip to keep it in place, but not enough to hurt. "Must you touch me so much?"

"You are such a tsundere, oh my god." You commented, "Of course, I had to like you."

He stilled and looked directly into your eyes, as if that would confirm your previous statement. "Are you really that surprised?" You asked. "You're really handsome and you have the type of personality that I find most attractive."

"Tsundere?" He joked.

"No. You're honest." You admitted, "You're not like the rest of them, who only see dollar signs when they see me. You've roasted my ass multiple times in class and I wouldn't have it any other way. You say the truth and don't sugar-coat your words for anyone."

"I like you." You simply stated. You watched the words seem to finally reach something in his mind and at this point he seemed to panic. He pulled his hand away and you did not hide your outward hurt. Shirabu made a lame excuse and quickly packed up his stuff to leave.

You never felt more sad and alone.

XXXXX

Shirabu was freaking the fuck out. He wanted someone to notice him and it had to be you??? You were beautiful and nearly perfect in every way. Your beauty went beyond the physical level and you were blessed with intelligence and an even greater family tree.

None of this mattered to him before. You were his friend and classmate and probably the one person in class who did not endlessly irritate him. How could you possibly have feelings for him? He didn't deserve you, not a bit. He had an endless list of faults, including his knowingly sarcastic personality, and you were the friendliest person in school! No way. You could be happier with literally anyone else.

He could not deny all your positive traits, even though he made an effort to ridicule you. You were an overall amazing person and he could not deny his latent crush on you. But he had squashed it since your friendship was mostly comprised of friendly banter. You could never have feelings for him, he previously thought. So he would rather treasure your friendship and watch you from the sideline.

However, Shirabu had to admit that it was a dick move of him just to leave you there after your confession. He was usually the type to speak his mind and your feelings must have blinded his brain. He set-out to clear the air and admit why.

In class the next day, you were nowhere to be found and refused to respond to calls and texts. Seeing you so affected, Shirabu could not help but feel like a huge ass. He owed you big-time, but he had to start somewhere: an apology. Shirabu had to clear the air and make it known that he appreciated your affections, even if he had to deny them. He was not above annoying you and did such continually.

Knocking on your dorm room, he showed up right at your front door.

Shirabu heard movement inside, but not closer to the door. He called your phone again and heard the ringtone go off from within, just for you to mute it. He knocked about eleven more times before you opened the door.

"What do you want?!" You asked as you swung the door open with full force.

"To clear the misunderstanding, (F/N)."

"God, you are so annoying. Did you know that?"

"You are too. Now hear me out, you crazy."

"Excuse me?!"

"Please." You sighed and moved aside for him to enter and he did such. He uncharacteristically took your hand and guided you to sit-down on your bed.

He paused, as if to fully think about his words, before sitting next to you. "You need someone who has time for you."

"What?"

"I'll be the captain soon and I do not want to disappoint anyone. I'll be busy and unable to be the proper boyfriend."

"Is that your only complaint to this relationship?"

"No."

"What else?"

"You deserve someone who can make you happy."

You gave a small laughed and asked, "Who says you don't already make me happy?"

He stared at your for a moment before asking, "What?"

"I don't want someone who you think will make me happier with kind words or bullshit. I want someone honest." You candidly admitted, "And we are friends already. I know you're dedicated to volleyball and I don't want that to change. I already know how you are and that’s why I like you more than anyone else. You alone can make me happy. For someone smart, why is this so hard for you to understand?"

He sputtered, unable to give a cohesive reply and for once you saw be great Shirabu struggle over his usually articulate words.

"Wait." You realized that he had multiple complaints about this relationship before you interrupted him. "Just be straight with me. Do you have feelings for me?"

It was at this moment that Shirabu had the clearest view of you. You were in the closest proximity than ever before, sharing a seat on your bed! He could gaze clearly into your eyes and sense the distress and vulnerability from your previous words. He stretched the silence and you took that as a rejection. He immediately rectified the situation by grabbing your hand and placing a light kiss at the top.

"I never thought you were interested in me." He admitted, "I thought I was deep in the friend zone. So I would have rather kept your friendship than risked ruining it."

"You're an idiot." You smiled grabbing his wrist to pull him closer. He obliged and allowed you to place a light kiss on his cheek.

"Now will you be my boyfriend or will I have to convince you?" You whispered in his ear to tease him and could literally see the shiver go down his back as he stiffened.

When you pulled away, his eyes were half-lidded and you silently wondered if his dominant attitude translated romantically.

You didn't have to wonder long since he returned the favor and went even further, nibbling your ear lightly before placing butterfly kisses around your neck. "Maybe you'll have to convince me."

You laughed before wrapping your arms around his neck, quickly taking command and enveloping his lips against your's. However, you did not have it for long and the setter was quick to flip the positions and hover over you. He gave one his rare smiles and you felt one breaking out across you'rs, stretching from ear to ear. Shirabu, who was in no rush, descended back down to your silky lips - noses bumping and hands fisting into each other's hair. His grip was firm, but not tight enough to hurt. You moaned, unintentionally, and he took that as an invitation to lick the entrance to your cavern. You parted your lips quickly, eager to feel his tongue against yours. The rest of the day went by ignored, the two of you enveloped in each other's affection with not a single care in the world.

[hypnodesires]

What if I hadn't waited?...

I often look back on my life, on all the crazy things I have done in the past that I know for a fact, I could never do at my age now (I'm making myself sound like I'm 80 but trust me I'm way younger than that)….  For me at least being a first-time mom took a lot out of my body and mind (along with the damn drama going on in my family is not helping), so I can't see myself getting it on in the back of a movie theater or a quickly while the family is in the next room or out in a park…. Fuuuuuck that shit, I have had my fun but in all that time I never told anyone about hypnosis or my love for it….. I can't even imagine what someone would have done to me if I had shared it with the wrong person… (keep in mind I lost my Vcard at age 14 freshmen year) and that guy played me for a fool… of course I fell into it, I didn't feel loved in my own home. Everything and anything that happen was always blamed on me… and all the house duty fell onto me as well, while my younger sister was clearly the favorite and got away with it all. I made lots of bad choices just because I wanted to be love, Not to mention the body-shaming my mom put me through that still effects me and my sister to this day….. being told no one would love me being as big that I was (keep in mind I was 150 compared to what I am now 223 lb or my biggest that I ever was 265 lb) but After falling for that fuckface with a small ass dick who played me, I knew then that I couldn't let it happen again.

I don't know what others would do if they went through what I did, the rest of my relationships following that event had to wait more than 6 months to get any action from me….. And for a teen girl or boy that shit was hard lol (I was a good ass tease though wink*). I wanted to know that the next person was into me as a person and not just wanting sex, I kept my true kinks to myself and if asked I would say "3sum, roleplay, etc" even in roleplay I would never bring up hypnosis, none of the men I was with ever mention it…… but if they had ooooo I was going to have a good time, I mean it was role play, why waste it right, not like they would know. After I dated fuckface, I dated a metalhead for 2 weeks… he left me only to date another girl the next day….. my only guess is that she was willing to put out the same day, in a way it just reinforced my mindset on making men wait (trust me, ladies, the payoff is glorious) but I know not everyone has the same will power but I have my weaken too, I am only human after all haha. I was single for a short time after that metalhead, where I soon became the target of a dirty (I mean never took showers) white guy, An old friend of mine told me he never took showers until he started to ask me out over and over. In high school, I would get there an hour before classes just so I could eat with my friends before school and one day he showed up along with some other guy who I thought was much cuter but was gay sadly, we'll call the gross guy Jim. I don't know what he saw in me that he just could not leave me alone, I had turned him down twice but I'm guessing he got some of my friends to get me to give him a chance….. How I wish I hadn't, this guy was so pushy about wanting to do stuff and my no's fell on deaf ears. Asking people to help him but my good friends stayed out of it (you could warn a bitch damn lol) inner thoughts, I was approached by two teachers at different times while I was with him. I was told by one that Jim would throw fits like a toddler in class and scream if things didn't go his way, they just wanted to make sure I was ok and he wasn't doing anything to me (not at that time) but after the second teacher confronted me about him, I was already seeing some signs….. he wanted to follow me into the girl locker room until a teacher kicked him out, he would run to my last class of the day just so he could walk home even though we lived in a different direction, the thing that creeped me out was when he called me while I was out at the movies with my friend but I never told him what movie I was in and 20 min into the movie I hear the theater door open all hard and when I turned there he was looking around to find me….. and he did. I found myself wanted to get away from him but I still stayed up until he moved away….. Well, even then I still stayed… I'm not proud of it but I was young and dumb plain and simple, I know that if I would have left him while he was still in the same city I would have ended up on the ID channel (google it if you don't know ). I can't even imagine what he would have tried to implant into my mind had I ever told him…. I shudder to think. I was in my senior year of high school and still with Jim, he would text me all day and once home I would hope on yahoo massager and we would talk the rest of the day…. But I met my main man that year in my second semester, we became friends through a mutual friend of ours, he knew I was with Jim but told my love I was single. In a way I'm glad he did that, I don't think I could of left Jim on my own. As time went on I knew my love had the feeling for me and so did I, I woke up on Feb 14, 05 at 5:00 am out of a deep sleep full of energy blurting out "he is going to ask me out today!" something in my gut was screaming at me that it was going down, I worked up the courage to break up with Jim….. yes on that same day…. I was scared… I called and prayed he wouldn't pick up…. I pulled a Mosby (how I met you mother reference) I left a brake up voice mail and before any more of you looks down on me, ANYONE and EVERYONE is allowed to break up with a CRAZY/UNSTABLE person over the phone that is the only exception that is appropriate and not to mention its much SAFER.  The day went on and I kept checking my phone surprised that he hadn't blown up my phone yet, my love asked to walk me home and he did. While we walked I kept checking my phone but not a word from Jim, we made it to my house and my love gave me some candies, a beautiful card with his feeling written down inside… at that moment I had forgotten all about Jim, forgotten my fear, my dread. Looking into the eyes of my love I felt safe & that I found someone who truly loved me, to this day I still can't fully explain how he made me feel in that moment all I know it was a beautiful feeling... All I know is that no one ever made me feel that way since. Of course, once he left and us being a couple now, I was on cloud nine…. It would be short-lived. Once I hopped onto yahoo messager I made sure to stay invisible as to not be seen, Jim was on and had already sent me a hello message… I was surprised he was so calm, surely he'd already heard my voice mail?…. I had sent it first thing in the morning but it was already 4 pm, I switch to online and asked him if he wasn't mad?  He said mad about what? I then told him I was sorry but my voice mail would tell him and I "log off"  1 min goes by and I got call after call from Jim. He left voicemails with each call he made and there was a pattern, first message he left was him crying "please Quinn pick up, I love you don't do this to me" next massage in a raging voice "I'll fucken kill you, pick up your phone you stupid bitch" next message "I'm going to kill myself plz Quinn PICK UP!" and start all over with the sobbing and begging for me to comeback…… I did pick up the phone after he left over 50 voicemails and told him "you need to stop, I can't do this anymore and you are scaring me…." Before I could continue Jim said, "please talk to my mom PLEASE!" I agree and while on the phone with her, I could hear Jim screams and his mom yells out to her husband "get the pills away from him! Jim, you need to stop!.... sweetie what going on?" I told her I was scared of her son and that I was no longer going to move up there with them, she understood and told me "you know that ring Jim gave you? it's my engagement ring, could you send it to me. I gladly agreed and asked her to mail me back some of my stuff Jim had taken from me and she did, though not all of them, I was happy he was no longer in my life. He did continue to call my cell, my sister cell, and my grandparent's house phone just to talk to me, until my dad picked up the phone and asked him to pass the phone to his dad which he did & that was the last time I heard from him over the phone, he did try a few months later but I never picked up… so I think he gave up.

I was with my love for 3 years until I ended it due to, growing apart and I didn't like being put down or made to feel bad just cuz I didn't want to do something. We met in 05, the same year that How I met your mother premiered, and got back together the same year the show ended in 2014. my reason for leaving him, to begin with, was the fact he got too comfortable just taking off and sayings things like "I guess they're not much for me here then, I'm all done here then" and he would just leave if I didn't put out for the night?! our break up was necessary for us to make the changes that ultimately made us stronger. I was a freak in the sheets it was his fucken loss, he knows that now and say he will never let me go. I know we did a bit of role-playing of my kink when we were first together, but he never took it seriously and I never made a big fuss about it…. but it was hot. Then I was with Kyo (it was my pet name to him because he didn't like his name) I was with him for a while and I fucked up…. WE both fucked up, meeting him online and being apart I had a relapse and slept with my love….. I know why would I sleep with him if I left him in the first place…… no one is perfect but I made it clear that this was NOT going to continue, I felt extreme guilt and told Kyo…. He forgave him as we still had not even met yet, but little did I know he was still talking to some women he had been seeing and fail to tell me he hadn't ended it with her….. but once he moved in with me it was over but something inside me was telling me to look through his laptop so I did, I found he still had photos of his ex... nude photos of her… including emails of him making it seem like he was still with her but he told me they broke it off and he deleted everything. From the start I should have known this wasn't going to work, we all make mistakes and I have defiantly learned from it. But as time went on Kyo discovered he was into cross-dressing with the help of my best friends, I encouraged him to be himself and that was the only time I saw him happy…. We would give him dresses, do his makeup, wax his whole body, and take him to the clubs to strut his stuff. At the end of the night, we'd go home and enjoy some sexy time and he loved being in his outfits while we got it on and I loved it as well…. With many outing that we have done, I decided to finally tell him about my kink…. Keep in mind I did what I could to get him off whatever he wanted I tried, he likes it when I would jack him off with my panties, blow jobs, and doing it while dressed up…. So when I brought it up, he was like "that weird" (really guy?!?! I'm weird! Get your bitch ass out of here with the panties jerking and cross-dressing) I was hurt…. I had welcomed all he wanted and never made any faces or made him feel bad about it cuz there is no need to kink shame, but he couldn't do the same for me? He barely gave it a try. More time went on and my love for him had faded away, I didn't feel loved by him…. I had done so much to make him feel welcome with all my friends and showed him how much I cared but I never felt like his #1, I felt like an afterthought with him… like I'll get to you when I can…. I knew that if we didn't last, his childhood friend would hop on that dick when I left him. He took it hard and called him mother to tell her everything….. we both made mistake but I'm sure I was made the main villain, Kyo kept telling me he wanted to try again and he still loved me but he was joining the marines. I had told him before he ever thought of joining that I could never be with someone who joins the marines/army/etc, etc… and I kept good on that but my best friend called him out on his bullshit about "loving me" as he had shown her photos of him at base camp but failed to remove the nudes photos of the girl I knew would take him once I was gone, my friend just told him "you love Quinn huh? You can cut the shit you have moved on, so stop acting as if you miss her".  From what I know he is married to her, she doesn't like his cross-dressing and won't sleep with him if he does dress up cuz it makes her feel "uncomfortable"…. He told me this on the last conversation we ever had, I could hear his sadness but I could hear him try to play it off like it wasn't hurting him or bothered him…. How could it not? For almost 4 years he had encouragement, support, and lots of love from a woman who fully accepted every part of him to a woman who thinks it's weird…. How the tables have turned.

I didn't stay single for long as I reconnected with my love and soon started dating again, since we last were together  we sure did a lot of growth in that time apart. It made us even stronger, I honestly can't see myself with anyone else (maybe Johnny depp lol) a girl can dream right hahaha I can feel my love's eyes rolling back hahaha. When I first told him about my love for hypnosis his reaction was the best, with a calm loving look he says "oh that's new" since then we have had our fun with it, even tho its more for me then it is for him. he is coming around to it so that makes me happy. 

i’m happy with how thing have been going on in our sexy time department, getting our kinks out and what not. i’m just glad i don’t have to worry about someone fucking up my mind, its mine! ya i want someone to play with it and get freaky with it but at the end of the day i’m still me! and not with abuser or crazy person. so watch your mind ladies and gentlemen not everyone is going to care for you so choose wisely we only have one mind, so dont loss it!