#and it was worth it because now I have this completely useless post to share with y’all

[sysmedsaresexist]

I thought a lot about whether I wanted to make this post

I kind of figured whether I made it or not, I was going to be seen in a bad light for this choice, but I have friends, and I'm going to miss so many of you, and I think it needs to be said

These things matter, debating, educating, correcting, connecting, sharing, all of it matters

Syscourse matters

System discourse

It doesn't just cover whether endos exist, and if you think it does, you're blind to community issues (purposefully, willfully, and consciously so)

Not everyone is capable of participating in large-scale activism, but sometimes, just saying something when you see it is enough

Standing up for something you believe in is enough

And I'm so proud of so many of you

And truly disgusted and annoyed with others

Sometimes, syscourse can be used as a tool to harm, but that's true of everything

Food, the base building block of life, can be used to self-harm, I used to use hot water to self-harm

The answer isn't to not engage at all

Stop shaming and belittling people who care, people who want to combat misinformation

I think some of you think syscourse is useless because there's always someone else jumping in to correct, but what if that never happens? Does misinformation only matter when it's in front of your face, directed at you specifically? When it's in your inbox?

Just because you hide yourself from it, often while acting like you're better than everyone else, doesn't mean it stops existing or mattering, and your lack of care and downplaying of the importance only harms other systems

(I'm thinking of so many people when I say this, so many of you act so high and mighty and are so disrespectful and dismissive towards people who care, all while benefitting from the increased awareness brought by those actually syscoursing)

I don't do this for me, syscourse is incredibly stressful, but something I still enjoy

Much like my job, very stressful, but very enjoyable, because it's possible for these to coexist in healthy ways

I did this for the community I loved so dearly, for the people I cared about, for young systems exposed to harmful concepts

I did it to help waste time while I was bored at work, or while I was travelling to pass the time, I did it for the drama, the laughs and the lolz, I did it for the vine, YOLO-- sorry, I did it because it was FUN in 90% of cases, I met so many incredible people just by talking about DID, I did it for the crazy adrenaline rush in the other 10% of cases, I did it because I like learning, and you're never too old to be better than you were, I did it to support my friends, to stand up for them, I did it because I'm passionate about learning more about my brain

No one asked me to do this, I didn't need to, I'm not a white knight savior. I did it because I had the time, I enjoyed it, and I cared.

And from the asks I've received over the years, it was appreciated

If I even helped one person, it was all worth it

And I can confidently say that I did more than that

I think the bonus round solidified in my mind whether there was a need for SAS going forward

I think I'm ready to retire and let the new generation figure it out

I did my time, I played my part, I put in my hours and passed along as many papers as I could

I like to think I made this place a bit better

As my fish army grows, I've decided that that's where my focus will be now. With 5 tanks, I have a lot less time than I did, and I'm so tired with everything I have going on with the broken leg. I have to go back in for surgery because my bone didn't completely grow back.

I think it's just time.

If anyone is interested, I'm moving to @fishandmemes where I'll live out my golden years in peace with many sensible chuckles

Asks seeking help or information should be directed to @cdd-safe-haven

I want everyone to give a huge round of applause for the mods that helped make this happen and helped my personal growth

We thank them for their dedication and hard work 🙏

I really couldn't have done this without them, it was a group effort

All that said,

[karizard-ao3]

Read the deleted scenes from the one million words livestream!

Hello everyone! I received a request to post the deleted scenes I read during my one million words live stream on Tumblr, which is an excellent idea and so here they are! They are available below the break.

(Please note this is just the text of the deleted scenes. In the livestream I gave a quick little background explanation for each scene and also had fun facts about my fics and the writing process on a slideshow that ran while I read. You don't need that info to enjoy these scenes, but just to let you know that there is more in the video if it is of interest to you.)

Feel free to ask me questions about the deleted scenes as well! Keep in mind they are copy-pasted directly from my drafts and might have weird formatting or other errors because they were not edited.

Here we go!

Clueless Teens

Connie’s birthday party, Eren gives Armin romantic advice

Armin sat between Eren and Mikasa, wringing his hands as he watched Annie and Sandra chatting together, even going so far as to  share a plate of chips.

"I can't believe they know each other," Armin groaned.

"What's wrong with that?" asked Eren. 

Armin sighed. "I'm afraid I'm going to break up their friendship."

Eren cocked his head. "Why?"

"Because if they start fighting over me," said Armin fretfully.

"Oh," said Mikasa, rubbing his back. "I think you're giving yourself too much credit."

Armin gave her a wounded look. "Why is it so hard to believe two girls might fight over me?"

"Because Annie doesn't want a boyfriend and Sandra only just met you," said Mikasa, soothingly. "I'm sure you could have a very ugly love triangle under different circumstances."

"Thanks," said Armin.

"You should just tell Sandra you used to like Annie," said Mikasa. 

"But what would I say?" asked Armin.

"I don't know," said Mikasa.

"'Hey, Sandra. I just wanted to let you know that I used to be so in love with Annie that I almost broke my friend's nose at Outback Steakhouse just for a chance to get rejected by her," suggested Eren.

Armin glared at him. "Stop bringing that up."

Eren shrugged. "Okay, then just be like, 'I just wanted to let you know that I used to have a bit of a thing for Annie, but it's over now. I didn't want you to find out from someone else.'"

Armin gawped at him. 

"What?" said Eren, bristling. "What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing," said Armin, sounding shocked. "That's actually really good."

"Don't look so surprised," grumbled Eren. "I'm not completely useless."

Mikasa makes a scene in history

Like, one time in History class a guy had said that women didn’t make it into the history books because they didn’t do anything worth remembering. Mikasa had stood up and chucked her textbook right at his head. 

“Ow, what the fuck, you crazy bitch?” he’d demanded, jumping out of his chair to face off against her. Eren had stood up also, ready to jump in if she needed backup. 

“Just forget about it,” Mikasa snapped. “After all, I’m only a woman. Just like Joan of Arc or Marie Curie or Mary Shelley or Cleopatra or Harriet Tubman. We’re all just a bunch of boring women who haven’t done anything worth remembering, right?”

“Shut up,” said the guy, rubbing his head. “They don’t count.”

“You don’t count,” Mikasa had hissed. “You fucking nobody.”

Mr. Smith put a hand on her arm. “I appreciate your passion but you are going to have to go see the dean now, Miss Ackerman.”

She’d flounced out of the room, and the only reason she didn’t get suspended or moved to a different class was because the principal, for some reason, had intervened.

Deleted Relationship Reveal Scene

“So are Eren and Mikasa going out now?” asked Connie, sitting next to Sasha and eating a croissant sandwich. 

“I’m not sure,” said Sasha, eyeing Connie’s breakfast lustfully. “She changed her relationship status, but he didn’t.”

“Maybe she got with Porco after all,” said Connie, taking a sip of chocolate milk.

“Who got with Porco?” asked Annie, striding up with a coffee in one hand and a bagel in the other. Sasha licked her lips, pointedly staring at the bagel, but Annie just scooted away and sat on the other side of Connie. 

“Mikasa,” said Connie. “She changed her relationship status but Eren didn’t.”

Annie frowned as she considered this. “Where is Mikasa? Isn’t she usually here already?”

“Yeah,” said Sasha. “Eren, too.”

“And Armin,” said Connie, helpfully.

Annie winced at the sound of his name and pulled her phone out of her pocket, dialing Mikasa’s number. “Hey,” she said, when Mikasa picked up. “Where are you?”

“I’m almost at school,” said Mikasa.

“Is Eren with her?” asked Connie.

“Is Eren with you?” asked Annie, rolling her eyes. 

“I’m with my boyfriend,” Mikasa said, cheerfully and unhelpfully. 

“That wasn’t what I asked,” said Annie.

“Oh, we’re at the gates. See you soon!” said Mikasa, hanging up.

“Well?” said Sasha.

“She said she’s with her boyfriend,” said Annie, dryly. 

“Ooooooooh!” said Connie. 

“If it’s not Eren he’s going to be pissed when he finds out,” said Sasha. 

“Maybe that’s why he’s not at school today,” said Connie. “Oh! Maybe her new boyfriend is Armin so Eren stayed home to cry about it.”

“That’s impossible,” snapped Annie, stopping herself just before she revealed that Armin was seeing a different girl. That wasn’t her business to spread around. “Armin and Mikasa are just friends.” Connie pouted at her, pretending to be wounded by her tone. She sighed. She’d been in a bad mood since talking to Armin the night before. “Sorry, Connie,” she said. 

“That’s alright,” said Connie, shrugging.

“Hi, guys!” said Mikasa, smugly. The three friends turned to see who the mysterious boyfriend was and were not at all surprised to see Eren standing next to her with his arm around her shoulder and a shit-eating grin on his face. Annie could already tell they were going to be insufferable together. 

“Eren!” said Sasha, devilishly. “We thought Mikasa got back together with Porco because she updated her relationship status and you didn’t.”

Eren grimaced. “Is there, like, a registry I’m supposed to call or something?” he asked.

“She just means on Myspace,” whispered Mikasa. Eren’s face cleared. 

“Oh, I’ll do that this afternoon,” he said, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. 

I don’t remember what this was for

“Eren, are you alright in there?" Carla called through his door, her voice heavy with concern. "You sound like an injured pygmy goat."

"That's really specific, Mom," Eren said, opening the door to show her that he was physically fine.

"You were too little to remember, but one time I took you to the petting zoo and-"

"Is the goat okay now?" Eren sighed. He didn't want to know what he had done to it.

"It's probably dead," said Carla. "This was thirteen years ago."

Eren looked at her as though he was about to join the goat in death if she didn't answer his fucking question.

"He had to wear a little cast. It was so cute they put it in the news."

"Oh my god, Mom! I broke a pygmy goat’s leg?”

Carla looked at him like she had never seen him before in her life. "Of course not. We were just there when it happened. I think it tripped in a hole?"

"It wasn't me?" asked Eren. 

"No!" said Carla. 

"Oh thank god," Eren sighed.

"My question was, why are you bleating like that poor little goat in there?"

Bonfire

Up in the mountains, Annie, Sasha, and Mikasa were standing on the shore of the lake in their bathing suits, looking at the water. Icy slush floated on the gently lapping surface near their feet, larger chunks bobbing out in the middle of the water. Connie was sitting on the hood of Sasha's car, bundled against the chilly mountain breeze in a hoodie, jeans, and a beanie. He had his camcorder in hand.

"I'm still recording!" he called out. "Have been for, like, three minutes."

"On the count of three," said Annie, looking around at the other girls. "Winner gets bragging rights."

Sasha and Mikasa nodded, squaring their shoulders.

"One!" shouted Annie.

The girls got into position.

"Two!” shouted Annie, bracing herself. Mikasa gritted her teeth in determination. Sasha looked over her shoulder at Connie, grimacing briefly before turning back to the lake.

"Three!" Annie screamed. The girls ran into the water, splashing and squealing.

"Nope, fuck this!" said Sasha, turning around and running back out. She shivered as she grabbed her towel off of a rock and sped over to the car to change back into her clothes. 

When she joined Connie on the hood of the car, she saw that Annie and Mikasa had both waded out to shoulder depth. Mikasa had had to go farther out than their petite friend and was staring stonily at nothing. Annie was frowning, her brows knit. She snuck a glance at Mikasa, then frowned even harder.

"She looks like she's getting cold," said Sasha. "I think she's trembling."

"You're going to have to go in and get her if she passes out from hypothermia," said Connie. "Does hypothermia make you faint?"

"Why do I have to do it?" complained Sasha. 

"Because you are bigger than me," said Connie, pitifully. "The cold would cut right through my tiny bones."

Sasha snickered and patted him on the head. "You're right, my little potato. You are much too delicate," she cooed, facetiously.

Connie grinned, then looked back out at their friends. "Ah. Looks like Annie is giving up. You're off the hook." 

Sasha looked, too. Annie was scowling as she stalked out of the water, her fists clenched at her sides, her entire body shaking from the cold. Sasha hopped up and ran down to meet her, grabbing Annie's towel and wrapping it around her. Annie's teeth chattered as Sasha dried her off. 

"Are you okay?" asked Mikasa, coming up behind Annie with a look of concern. She was barely shivering and hadn't even bothered to grab her towel yet.

"Ha!" said Annie, her air of bravado somewhat demeaned by her purple lips and goose bumps. "Too cold for you in there?"

"No," said Mikasa, finally going and grabbing her towel but not using it. "Ackermans are very hardy. It just seemed pointless to stay out there when I'd already won."

"Bitch," muttered Annie with no malice whatsoever as Mikasa draped her in her towel.

While the two girls changed into their clothes, Connie and Sasha perched next to each other on a log, peacefully texting their significant others and eating Fritos. 

"What's Mina doing today?" asked Sasha. "Why didn't she come?" 

"Her family went to the aquarium for her cousin's birthday," said Connie. "She said she's going to bring me a souvenir."

"I like her," said Sasha with great feeling. 

"Me, too," said Connie, happily. “Did I tell you she had three cats? And she wants to get a kitten.”

“She collects cats like my parents collect foster kids,” said Sasha with a laugh. “Kaya’s going back home to her Mom, though. Did I tell you?”

“Is her Mom doing better then?” asked Connie. 

“She’s out of the hospital. She has to do some physical therapy for her legs but she can get around okay with her crutches,” said Sasha, smiling wistfully. “I’m going to miss that kid but I’m glad she gets to be with her Mom again.”

The car door slammed and Annie and Mikasa emerged, dressed more appropriately for the chilly mountain air. They came to perch on the log next to Connie and Sasha.

“So what now?” asked Annie. 

"We should have a bonfire," said Connie, tucking his phone in his pocket, gesturing to a fire pit a previous visitor had dug and ringed with stones. "You always have a lighter, right, Annie?"

She withdrew the item in question from her pocket and held it up. 

"Sweet," said Connie, hopping down from the hood and beginning to collect fallen twigs and branches. Mikasa moved to join him but was interrupted by the ringing of her phone.

She looked at the screen. "Oh, it's Eren," she said, blushing as she answered it.

"See if he wants to come for the bonfire," said Connie.

Mikasa nodded as she wandered a short distance away with the phone, twirling her hair around her finger as she talked.

“Hi, Eren,” she said. 

“Hi, Mikasa.”

“Are you and Armin lost?”

“Yeah,” said Eren sheepishly. 

The rest of the kids continued prepping for the bonfire, Annie and Connie collecting the wood while Sasha laid the sticks out, ready to be lit.

Mikasa was smiling dreamily when she hung up the phone and came over to help her friends try to roll a fallen log over to the fire pit. 

"So is your boyfriend coming?" asked Sasha, digging her heels into the soft mulch of the forest floor and managing to shift the log slightly.

"He's not my boyfriend!" said Mikasa, her recently vacated cheeks filling back up with blood. Then she paused and grinned impishly. "Yet, anyways.

Connie hooted.

"He's with Armin," Mikasa said, leaning into the log with her friends. "They're going to try to find a ride." 

"So how was your date?" Sasha asked. "I've been waiting for you to bring it up yourself but you're being too classy." 

"It was good!" said Mikasa, emphatically. 

Her friends waited expectantly but she didn't add anything. 

"Did you guys have your first kiss?" Sasha probed.

"No," said Mikasa, truthfully. 

“He’s such a wimp,” scoffed Sasha. 

“Come on Mikasa, what the hell?” said Annie. “After all that whining about how much you like him you didn’t even try to kiss him?”

"We did kiss though," said Mikasa, a shade too innocently.

Her friends stared at her blankly. Improbably, Connie was the first one to get it. He hooted again, jumping around with glee.

"I knew it! I knew it!" he screeched. "I knew you guys had already hooked up! I said it months ago and I was right! I said, ‘Eren has definitely touched Mikasa’s butt’ and nobody believed me but I was right, wasn’t I? Wasn’t I?"

"How could you tell?" asked Mikasa, her eyes wide. 

"What???" shrieked Sasha, her mouth falling open. 

“Mikasa, you fucking skank!” said Annie, grinning widely. 

Mikasa shrugged, looking smug as she put her shoulder back into the log. Now that she knew Eren liked her back, she didn’t mind staking her claim a little bit. 

Anamnesis

Yumihisu New year’s Eve deleted scene

Historia smacked her lips together, inspecting her lipstick in the mirror. 

“You look good,” said Ymir, sprawled out on Historia’s bed, lazily buttoning her shirt back up. 

“Thank you!” said Historia, flipping her hair and turning to smile dazzlingly at Ymir. “Thank you for coming to this dumb gala with me.”

“I don’t know. It sounds kind of fun,” said Ymir. “Hobnobbing with the governor and all his rich friends? Eating caviar? It’s going to be the glitziest New Year’s Eve I’ve ever had.”

“Yeah, I felt the same way when I went to my first Reiss event,” said Historia, perching on the edge of her bed. “But you find out pretty quick that money is nice, but the people who have it aren’t. You’ll see when you meet my ‘family’.” Historia rolled her eyes with a weary sigh. 

“That bad, huh?” said Ymir.

“Well, Frieda’s okay,” Historia conceded. “She’s just kind of out of touch because, you know, she’s never wondered if there were enough cans of baked beans in the cupboard to keep her full until payday. Not that I’ve had to do that in a while. It just… you know. Perspective.”

“Yeah,” said Ymir. “It’s like the more I learn about film and TV production, the more I notice the technical details when I watch something. Like, there’s all this background info in my head that the average television enjoyer doesn’t have. And, like, it changes the way you see things.”

Eren at the coffee shop, two versions

"I don't fucking care!" said Eren. "Caramel! Fancy! Those are the only two requirements."

The barista began tapping grimly on the register, bitterly composing the most expensive custom drink he possibly could. "Okay, fifteen dollars."

"And an Americano for me," said Eren, pulling out his wallet and handing the barista a twenty, then catching his eye and glaring at him intensely. "If my date doesn't cry tears of joy because I got her the best caramel coffee she's ever tasted, I will find out what time you're off and come back here every single day to order the most obnoxious, complicated drink I possibly can right before the end of your shift. And then when you bring it to me, I'm going to say you made it wrong. And then you're going to have to do it all over again. You will never be on time for class again."

The barista pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'll put whipped cream on it."

"Thanks," said Eren, flouncing away.

The barista watched him go, his eyebrows set in a straight line across his forehead. He fucking hated his life, and, more importantly, he hated Eren. 

"I don't think the barista likes you," Mikasa commented as Eren sat back down across from her. The young man was bustling around, blending coffee and squirting caramel and looking over his shoulder to glare daggers at her date.

"Yeah, no. Somewhere along the line we became sworn enemies," said Eren, unbothered. "I fucking hate him, too."

"Why?" said Mikasa.

Eren shrugged. "I just do."

"An Americano and a caramel bitch drink for the dumbfuck in the green shirt," called the barista, looking bored.

Eren clenched his fists. 

"I'll go grab them and then let's go for a walk," said Mikasa, standing up. 

"Yeah, okay," said Eren. "Tell me what you think of your coffee. If you don't like it, I'll make him pay."

***

"The usual?" asked the barista, looking annoyed as Eren approached the counter. 

"No, I'm going to buy something today," said Eren, studying the menu. "What's your fanciest caramel drink?"

"Hot or iced?"

"What's sexier?" said Eren.

The barista looked at him. 

"Well?" said Eren. "It's iced coffee, right? Because the cups are see-through?"

"Uh, sure," said the barista. "I guess maybe an iced caramel latte?"

"No, no. I'm trying to impress someone," said Eren, tapping his foot. "It needs to be fancier."

"I don't know what you want me to do. This isn't that kind of coffee shop," said the barista. "We have three flavors of syrup and we don't even have oat milk."

"Fuck," said Eren. "Well, make a caramel latte and zazz it up, then, I guess. Fuck." He rubbed his eyes. "She's never going to fall for me now. I'm going to die alone."

The barista pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'll put whipped cream on it."

Eren drooped with relief. "Thanks man. And an Americano for me." He pulled out his wallet and handed the barista a twenty, turning around to smile at Mikasa as he waited for his change.

Downton Abbey

"What show are we watching?"

"I want to try Downton Abbey. I heard it's good."

"Okay," said Eren, letting her steer the conversation towards less troubled waters. "I could go for some old timey etiquette and shit."

Mikasa extracted herself from him and set the timer for the enchiladas, then turned to smile at Eren. He crooked his elbow and offered it to her. "My lady? May I escort you to the viewing parlor or whatever you want to call it?"

Mikasa beamed, linking her arm through his. "You are most kind," she said, her assumed British accent melting in Eren's ears like pound cake on his tongue. 

"You do that really good," he said.

"Oh, well. I suppose one tends to hone the skill when they have a passion for the stage," she said, peering at him coyly from the corner of her eyes.

He plopped down on the couch, pulling her into his lap. "It's sexy," he said, with a crooked grin, brushing a kiss across her jaw.

"My lord!" she gasped, letting her hand flutter to her bosom. "We are unwed! What will the servants think?"

“Let them think whatever they want,” he said, gamely playing along.

“This is most improper,” said Mikasa, playing with the collar of Eren’s shirt,

Eren growled, nipping at her throat. 

Mikasa giggled. "Do you like accents?" she asked in her normal voice.

"I like when you do accents," Eren said, his tongue drawing little hearts and curlicues over her pulse. She drew in a shaky breath as his large hands encircled her waist, then crept beneath her top and unfurled across her back.

"Shall I continue then?" she asked, the posh London accent inflating her vowels and cushioning her consonants. 

"Please do," he said, his voice vibrating against her skin as he let his lips travel over her skin, leaving blossoms of heat in their wake. 

Single Parents AU

Adri clothes shopping

She bit her lip, debating for a moment before she asked, "If I ever see something Adri might like, can I buy it for her?"

Eren didn't know why the request delighted him so much. "Yeah, of course," he said. "I can pay you back if you keep the receipts."

"That won't be necessary," said Mikasa, smiling to herself and moving to another rack. Adri watched her with greedy anticipation. She hated Makaka but she loved clothes. She hoped she would buy her some today.

"C'mon, bug. Let's get you some new leggings while we're here," said Eren, steering the cart away from Mikasa. "You've got holes in most of yours."

Adri was released from the shopping cart to assist in the legging selection. "You can pick six," said Eren, holding up the corresponding number of fingers. "That's 1-2-3-4-5-6."

"Otay," said Adri, squatting in front of the display shelf and evaluating her options.

When Mikasa joined them, she was empty handed besides her cup of iced tea. "I need to grab Mason some socks," she murmured. "I'll be right back."

"Okay," said Eren, watching her go with a soft pang of loneliness. He shook his head to chase the feeling away. He was just being a little dramatic because of how long it had been since he'd seen her, he was sure. It was as if she'd taken part of him with her when she disappeared and, now that she'd brought it back, he felt more like himself than he had in years. He didn't have long to ponder on the reason for that. She was back almost right away with a package of socks and a couple t-shirts.

"Are dose for me?" asked Adri, standing up with her armful of leggings and peering at Mikasa's purchases. 

"These are for Mason," said Mikasa, patting the shirts she had draped over her arm. "I don't know what kind of clothes you like yet. I want to buy you something you'll wear."

Adri's nose twitched. 

"Maybe you can do a fashion show for me the next time I'm at your house," Mikasa offered, well aware that she was trying to suck up to a three-year-old while also putting out feelers to see if Eren would even want to see her again. 

"That sounds fun!" said Eren, jumping for the bait. "You can be a model, peanut."

Christmas shopping

“Do you want to get a picture with Santa?” Eren asked, bumping Mikasa with her shoulder. 

“Oh, god no,” she said, glancing at the long line snaking around the mall’s North Pole Village. “Even when I was a little kid I had no interest in waiting around to sit on some old guy’s lap.”

“You didn’t want to meet Santa?” asked Eren. 

“That’s not Santa,” said Mikasa, stopping in front of a candle store. “Should I get Porco Galliard a candle?” she wondered. 

“Why should you get him anything?” asked Eren, bristling. 

Mikasa looked over her shoulder at him. “Because I always get a gift for Mason’s teachers at Christmas.”

“Oh,” said Eren. “Then I guess you could.”

Mikasa pursed her lips, considering. “I don’t know,” she said. “It probably wouldn’t hurt to get a few just in case.”

“Just in case of what?” asked Eren, picturing a city-wide power outage, but confident that was not what she was planning for. 

“In case someone unexpectedly gives me a present, so I have something to give back,” said Mikasa, walking through the entryway. They were assaulted by a wall of fragrance. “God,” she said, picking up a candle and giving it a quick sniff. “Let’s move quick. Do they have any winter ones?”

“Uh��” said Eren, looking around. Christmas shopping hadn’t been what he would have picked for their second date, but Ryu had finals and was working extra shifts at the restaurant to take advantage of holiday generosity and get as many tips as possible. This was the only night he’d been free to watch Mason and she needed to use it to buy gifts, so they’d had to make do. “I think they have some over there,” he said, pointing at a table laden with wax-filled glass jars. 

Mikasa hurried over, read the sign advertising the shop’s current sale pricing, and grabbed five at random, carrying the armful over to the queue. Eren followed behind her, weaving between the crowds of shoppers until he came to a stop at her side. “You didn’t want a basket?” he said, taking three of the candles from her. 

“That would have been smart,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking about it. I’m more worried about getting out of here fast to avoid the smell.” She touched one of the remaining two candles to her temple. Oh, that’s right, thought Eren. Mikasa had actually worked here once as a teenager, for a single day. She’d come in for her first day of training and ended up quitting and leaving part way through because the overabundance of scents had triggered a migraine. She’d told him about it during their next tutoring session and he’d retaliated against the store by shoplifting a backpack full of votives, which he had then given to Historia because he didn’t give a shit about scented candles and he wanted to annoy her. 

His disdain for candles still intact, Eren plucked the last two from Mikasa’s hands. 

“Get out of here, you nut,” he said. 

“Huh?” she said. 

“You heard me,” he said. “I’ll get the candles, you go wait for me where it’s safe.”

“Are you sure?” she asked. 

Eren frowned at her. “Why the hell would I let you stand here and give yourself a headache when I’m right here and impervious to the fumes?” 

Mikasa took a half step towards the exit, doubtful. “It’s not too much trouble?” she asked.

“Of course not! Go!” he ordered, nudging her with his toe. 

They reconvened outside the candle shop about twenty minutes later, which wasn’t too bad given the Christmas crowds. Mikasa was waiting for Eren on a bench near the store entrance, rolling her neck absent-mindedly. Eren plopped down next to her, setting the bag of candles between his feet, spreading his legs so that his knee brushed against hers. "We got you out in time, right? Your head feels fine?" he asked. 

Mikasa nodded, lacing her fingers through his. He tensed for a flustered moment before he relaxed into her touch, settling their joined hands on his thigh and grinning down at her. "Thank you," she said, tossing her head to get her bangs out of her eyes. "I feel bad for making you do that."

Eren furrowed his brow at her, his lips twisting into an incredulous smile. "You didn't make me do anything. I offered."

"But you had to stand in line for me," persisted Mikasa.

"So?" said Eren. "Don't you think I'd rather do that than let you get a migraine?"

"Still, it could have been avoided. I didn't have to get candles," fretted Mikasa, tugging on her hair. "Or I could have ordered them online."

Eren grabbed her chin. "Mikasa, stop. Not only are we friends, we're dating." He paused. They were dating, right? Like, it was only their second date, but it was reasonable to assume they'd go on more, wasn't it? They’d been sneaking a lot of kisses when the kids weren’t looking. "Are we dating or did I get ahead of myself?" he said, holding his breath.

"We’re dating," said Mikasa. 

Eren exhaled. "Then we should be doing stuff for each other," he concluded.

Doubt sprouted across Mikasa’s face. "But…"

"Let me clarify," said Eren, leaning towards her so their noses were almost touching, her chin still caught between his fingers. "I want to do things for you. I'm looking for a partner, not a personal assistant."

He pressed a small, soft kiss to her lips, then released her with a grin, his point made and the matter resolved. 

Or, that’s what he thought until unexpected tears welled up in her eyes. 

Eren’s face went white. “Mikasa…” he said, but she was already standing up and dragging him, stumbling, behind her. He hooked the bag of candles, nearly abandoned, with his foot and sent it sliding up the glossy tile floor ahead of them, then swiped it up from the ground on his way past as he regained his footing and began trotting after her, pouring apologies and hoping she had noticed that pretty sweet bit of footwork he’d just pulled off. He hadn’t played soccer in years but he still had it. Maybe she would be so impressed by his prowess that she would forget about whatever he’d done to fuck up. 

“Mikasa, did I say something wrong?” he asked.

She didn’t answer. Instead, she yanked him into an alcove that once housed payphones and now gave shelter to nothing, then turned around to face him, her eyebrows drawn together in a firm line, her eyes wet, glimmering, and boiling hot. She grabbed his sweatshirt, clenching it in her fists. Oh, shit. He was in trouble.

“I’m so sorry if I – mmmmfff,” he said, his fiftieth apology abruptly aborted when she yanked him down to her and crushed her lips against his. 

It took Eren a second to switch gears from groveling to making out, but as soon as he did, he grabbed her hips and pushed her back against the wall, pinning her to it with his weight as their tongues tangled together. 

“I thought you were mad at me,” he said, breathless. 

“God, no,” she said, kissing him again. “That was so hot.”

Eren grabbed her face, brushing his thumbs over the ridge of her cheekbones. They came away wet and he pulled back just enough to look at her, showing her the liquid glistening on the pads of his thumbs, raising his eyebrows. “And yet..” he said. 

Mikasa shook her head in disagreement, her eyes welling up again. 

“Mikasa!” he said. 

“Sorry,” she muttered, wiping away her tears. “You just don’t know how nice that was to hear.” 

“Which part?” said Eren. 

“All of it,” said Mikasa, tugging on his sweatshirt and lifting her chin. 

“Works for me,” said Eren, ducking his head and meeting her lips, planting his hands on the wall on either side of her. She slid her hands around his ribs and up his back, clutching him closer as they kissed in the dim alcove, which maintenance no longer bothered furnishing with light bulbs. The holiday shoppers washed past in tides, the burble of their voices drowning out the Christmas carols being piped from the mall’s speakers and eroding the illusion of privacy Eren and Mikasa had wrapped themselves in.

“We should keep shopping,” Eren said, taking a regretful step back.

Mikasa glanced around to make sure no one had seen them. “You’re right,” she said, resting her hand on his chest for a moment, then straightening her sweater and securing her purse over her shoulder. “Oh, good. You remembered the candles,” she said, reaching for the bag. Eren snatched it up before she could take it. So she hadn’t noticed his sweet soccer-remnant move, which sucked, but it had been because she was so horny for his mouth, so… Yeah. Overall, he was going to class that one as a win, he decided.

Mother’s Day Deleted Scenes

Eren and Isabella

Eren was fed up with Isabella’s shit and also terrified that he was looking at his future. Was Adri going to grow up and judge him this hard? Would she also make fun of his hair and mock him for saying thanks when she told him his shoes were “fucking mint”? He was 32 years old with a job and a girlfriend and kids. He had better things to do than keep on top of youthful vernacular. 

He was in a foul mood by the time they finally settled on what to get for Yelena (a gift card), paid for it, and got in the minivan. 

“It looks like your Mom and Adri are already back at my house, Mase,” Eren said, checking his phone. “We missed out on our guy time. Sorry about that.”

“That’s okay!” chirped Mason. “I liked playing with all the testers.” He held up his arms, which were covered in blotches of lipstick and eyeshadow and scented with every single perfume in the store. “Do you think my mom will think I look like a rainbow dragon?” He pointed at the clusters of multicolored swatches. “See? Because they look like scales?”

Eren chuckled. “Maybe! But, Mason. We’re going to need to put you in the bath right after you show her. You smell like a million bucks but Adri doesn’t do good with perfume. It can trigger her asthma and then she’ll need an extra breathing treatment.”

“Oh!” said Mason. “Sorry!”

“It’s okay, buddy. Although, I’m thinking maybe we should stop by your house on the way home and get you a change of clothes,” Eren mused. 

“Ha! Who’s going to let you in if Mikasa is at your house?” Isabella sneered.

“I have a key,” said Eren, rolling his eyes.

Isabella began to sputter. Eren turned on the radio to drown her out, singing along with a pop song he had disdained when he was seventeen but that tickled his nostalgia today. Behind him, Mason had also started singing along. Eren grinned over his shoulder at him, then looked back at the road, dancing his shoulders along to the beat. 

“You are such a dweeb, Uncle Eren!” Isabella burst out. “I can’t believe Mikasa would go out with an old guy like you, who has, like, negative rizz!”

“I don’t know what that means,” said Eren. “But I’m younger than she is, so ha.” 

‘You don’t know what rizz is?” Isabella scoffed.

“No,” said Eren. “And I also don’t care.”

Isabella started sputtering again.

Eren started singing along with the radio again, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

“Wait, this isn’t the way to your house,” said Isabella.

Eren’s brow furrowed. “I know. I’m bringing you home.”

“What?” said Isabella.

“Where else would I take you?” said Eren.

Everyone at home after

“I thought Armin and Annie were here,” said Eren.

“They went in the backyard. Alexander isn’t allowed to watch TV,” said Mikasa.

“Oh,” said Eren. “That’s, um… Yeah, okay.”

“I think babies should be allowed to watch TV!” Mason piped up, scooting towards the door into the garage. Now that they were in the house, it occurred to Eren that they could have gone through the garage directly to spare themselves any unnecessary subterfuge. “If I ever have a baby, I'm going to let him watch whatever he wants unless it's too scary.”

“Good plan,” said Mikasa, fiddling with the remote control and glancing at the television. 

“Okay, Eren! I'm ready!” Mason said, hovering in the doorway to the garage. “Can you help me?”

“Yeah, one second, Mase,” said Eren, leaning over to kiss Mikasa on the forehead. “How was Adri?”

“She was so cute at the salon. She was trying to act very mature and glamorous the whole time but at the end the UV lamp scared her because she thought it was an oven.” 

“Aw,” Eren chuckled. 

“She also fell down but I think she wants to tell you about it herself, so I'm just letting you know she has some scrapes but she's fine,” Mikasa added. “How was Mason?”

“An absolute saint compared to Isabella,” said Eren. “He had a great time with all the makeup testers. Mase, show your mom your arm.”

Mason hid the lip balms behind his back and came forward so Mikasa could see the kaleidoscope of color swatches painted on his skin. 

Mikasa chuckled. “You remind me of a Gustav Klimt painting, for some reason.”

“Eren said I could wash it off at home,” he said. 

“Let me take a picture first,” said Mikasa, getting out her phone and repositioning so she could better angle, motioning for Mason to do a couple different poses. “There! Go ahead and wash it off whenever.”

“I have to do something in the garage first…” said Mason, all shifty-eyed.

“That’s fine,” said Mikasa, carefully not looking at the lip balms that had crept out from their hiding place. “I’m going to finish my show.”

“Where’s my mom, by the way?” Eren asked, going with Mason to the garage.

“She filled up on snacks and went to her room. I think she might be having a nap, too,” said Mikasa.

“I’m going to get the ribs started after I help Mason,” said Eren. “If you feel like keeping me company.”

Mikasa’s eyes lit up. “You’re making ribs?”

“Eren! It was supposed to be a surprise!” Mason complained.

“Ah, shoot!” said Eren. “Sorry!”

“That’s okay!” said Mason, his lips stretching into a smug smile. “I kept it a secret longer, so that means I win!”

“That’s true! Good job!” said Eren. 

“Do I get a cash prize?” Mason asked, bouncing on his toes.

Eren was reaching for his wallet to see if he had any small bills when Mikasa cut in and said, “No. Just bragging rights.”

“Aw, man,” said Mason.

Adri’s bedroom door cracked open. “Daddy?” she croaked, rubbing her eyes.

“Hi, peanut!” said Eren. “Let me see your nails.”

Adri dragged herself over and put out her hands and one foot, tottering in place as Eren inspected her mani-pedi. 

“Very pretty!” he said. 

“Look,” said Adri, showing him the scabs on her knees and the heels of her little hands, her face drooping with sorrow.

“Ouch!” said Eren. “Do you need a kiss to fix you up?”

“Missy did it,” Adri said, her lips pursing together into a serious line. “So I’m already all better.”

Eren’s eyebrows popped up then drifted back down as a slow, pleased smile spread over his face. “Then how about just a kiss because I’m happy you’re home?” he said.

“Otay!” said Adri, lifting her face so he could give her a smooch on the cheek. 

Lady’s Liaison

They must have been thirteen at the time, and Jean fourteen. Eren was in the awkward beginning stages of manhood. His upper lip now required shaving every morning and his voice cracked when he spoke with too much passion. Mikasa had been sent to the dressmaker to have her bodices altered to accommodate her own adolescent changes, and Eren had been sent along to help the footman carry the piles of gowns. 

Lady Kirschtein had indulgently allowed him to ride in the coach with them, and, as they always did during lessons, Eren and Mikasa had spent the ride with their heads together, whispering and snickering. Eren had been too preoccupied to notice the frown burgeoning across Lady Kirschtein’s face as she watched them together. 

When they had arrived in town and stopped the coach to disembark, Eren had leapt out and joined the footman on the walkway, his hands behind his back and his spine straight. Lady Kirschtein had exited first, taking the footman’s proffered hand delicately as she stepped down. Mikasa had come next. 

“Eren!” she had called, haughtily, reaching for him. He had grinned and raised his hand to her. Their difference in status had become a joke between them. It had seemed too ridiculous when they felt so alike. They’d made a game of it and she often played the snob, ordering him to do the most inane things, while he dramatically acquiesced, nearly falling over himself in his servitude. Now he raised his hand to her. “My Lady,” he said, gripping her fingers tightly when she rested them in his palm and helping her as she flounced down from the coach. He did not let go when she was safely on the ground, instead bowing obsequiously over her hand. “Are you able to walk on your own?” he had asked, his voice drawling and impassioned. “Or must I carry you?”

A sharp intake of breath drew his attention and he looked up to see Lady Kirschtein, her face twisted with shock at his impertinence. He had flinched back, releasing Mikasa’s hand. 

“I apologize,” he said, quickly. “I forgot myself.”

“Indeed,” said Lady Kirschtein, coldly, taking Mikasa by the arm and sweeping away with her. Eren’s stomach lurched and he glanced at the footman, who raised an eyebrow at him and shook his head. 

“You may take lessons together but you would do well to remember that Lady Ackerman is not your friend,” the footman whispered as they trailed the ladies, the dresses to be altered piled in their arms.

Eren swallowed and nodded. 

It was after that incident that Mikasa was withdrawn from tutoring and given over to a governess. In truth, she was far more classically educated than a woman should be, but Lord Kirschtein had been loathe to hire a governess when the tutor was perfectly capable of teaching all the children he had collected.

Neighbors AU

After Eren gives her the tree

 "So it's kind of like our trees will be a little family," he said. 

"Ooooh, yes," said Mikasa. "And we'll be baking their babies into pies."

Eren looked at her, horrified. "I didn't think of it that way!" he said. 

"Life is cruel," said Mikasa with a bright smile. "But if we don't eat them, the birds and squirrels will."

"Jesus, Mikasa," said Eren, putting his forehead in his hand with an admiring huff. "Every time I think I've got you figured out…"

"Sorry," said Mikasa, wincing. 

"That wasn't a complaint," said Eren, offering her his elbow. She took it and he escorted her to her car. 

Her eyes were sparkling when she got behind the wheel. 

When I thought they might ditch the party to go bowling

They decided to go bowling, so Mikasa headed back into town, grumbling about the waste of gas and Historia's obvious disregard for the environment, while Eren listened and admired her ability to twist a small, personal matter into a much greater issue on the global scale. By the time they arrived at the bowling alley, Mikasa had effectively pinned responsibility for all of global warming on Historia Reiss, because she drove an SUV and didn't turn off her lights when she went out and didn't drink fair trade coffee. 

"She should be in jail," Eren said, with great feeling, even though he had no idea where his coffee came from. He was going to start paying attention from now on, so he was within his rights to pass judgment. 

Mikasa sighed, parking her car. "We'll be friends again tomorrow," she said. 

"I guess that's good," said Eren, who was confident he had made an enemy for life. 

They got out of the car and went into the bowling alley which was, improbably, packed. "Is bowling cool again?" said Mikasa.

"Was there a point when it stopped being cool?" said Eren, heading towards the counter.

"There's a waiting list if you don't have a reservation," said the harried teenager. He pulled a clipboard from beneath the desk. "It's at least an hour wait, but probably more like two," he said. 

"Well, shoot," said Mikasa. "What would we do until then?" 

"There's a bar," offered the kid. He lowered his voice. "I'm allowed to walk through it after closing." He blinked at them both, waiting to see if they were impressed by his maturity.

They didn't even notice. "Would you like a drink, Eren?" Mikasa asked. 

"We're already here," he shrugged. "Might as well." 

"Can we put our names on the list then?" Mikasa asked the teenager, pointing at the clipboard. The kid handed it to her and she filled it out while Eren wandered over to peek through the door into the bar. 

"What happens if I don't hear my phone ring?" Mikasa asked as she jotted down her phone number on the sheet. "Should I note that we'll still be on the premises?" 

"We'll make an announcement on the overhead, too," the kid said. "Do you always get dressed up to go bowling?"

Mikasa looked down at her brand new cocktail dress. "Sometimes," she said.

"Oh," said the kid, taking back the clipboard just as Eren returned from his reconnaissance mission, a disgruntled expression on his face. 

"They don't have a pool table," he grumbled. 

"Do you want to go somewhere else?" said Mikasa.

"No, no," said Eren, grabbing her arm and looping it through his. "Here is fine."

"Thank you!" Mikasa called to the kid as Eren escorted her to the bar.

It was dim inside and smelled faintly of sweat and feet. "Do they serve food?" said Mikasa, thinking with regret of the top notch hors d'oeuvres Historia had no doubt catered for her party. There'd been this spinach and cheese puff pastry concoction Mikasa had tried last time and she'd been hoping she'd get to taste it again. And then there was the country club' signature gelato. She'd really wanted Eren to try the gelato. Perhaps she had been too hasty in storming out of there. She just didn't like Historia talking all that shit about Eren. He was a good guy and didn't deserve to have Historia drunkenly ragging on him all night. She sighed, looking around for a menu.

"Here," said Eren, coming right up behind her and reaching around her shoulder to tap on a sheet of paper taped to the bar top. It was covered in clip art and a list of deep fried foods. 

Mikasa scanned it, digging around in her purse for her wallet. "Do you want some mozzarella sticks?" she asked. "My treat."

"Huh?" he said, blinking. 

"Do you want to split some mozzarella sticks? Oh! And they have tater tots!" Mikasa did an excited wiggle as she located her wallet and withdrew it from her bag. Eren frowned, grabbing her wrist to stop her as she tried to take out her credit card. 

"Tonight's on me," he said. 

"But, Eren…" said Mikasa. 

“But what?” he said, locking gazes with her. Some of his long, dark hair had escaped from his bun and hung in strands around his face, framing his eyes as they bored into her. She nearly swooned. "I said I'd be your date tonight, didn't I?" he said.

"Well, yes," said Mikasa. "But that was for the party and now we're not at the party. So I wasn't sure if…"

"This is still a date," said Eren.

“Okay,” she squeaked, trying to tuck her hair behind her ear. It fell across her eyes. 

Eren plucked her wallet from her hand and tucked it back into her purse. "I'm paying," he said. 

“Okay,” said Mikasa, patting her cheeks, stomach fluttering. 

“Okay,” said Eren, pulling out his own wallet. “So don’t go running off with any other guys.”

“I won’t,” said Mikasa, her eyes wide. “I promise.”

Eren sucked in a breath and looked up at the ceiling. It had taken every ounce of self esteem he had to fuel that little interaction. He was so relieved it had worked. “Good,” he said. “What do you want to drink?”

“Just a diet Coke,” she said. “I’m driving.”

“Two Cokes and whatever else it was you said,” said Eren. He cleared his throat. “What did you want again?”

“Mozzarella sticks,” said Mikasa. 

“Wasn’t there another thing?” said Eren. 

“Tater tots,” said Mikasa, pressing her fingers to her lips and blushing. 

[bumpkinspice0]

Parallels Chapter 18: Worth Everything

Miguel O'Hara x Spider!FemReader

No use of y/n

Rating: Maure

Word Count: 2k

Summary: You deal with the aftermath of Miguels choice

Warnings: Angst O'clock, Talks of death, Panic attacks, like I have no idea how to write these feelings but we're here

A/N:  I am so horribly sorry for the wait, life just be life. Bad news, this update is a little short. Good news, it's short because I took half of it and put it in the next chapter which is now half written and will be posted (hopefully) in 2ish weeks

Previous. Next

Series Masterlist

AO3

_______

No one ever talks about how desensitized you become with this job. How easily things bordering on impossible become mundane to you. What you deal with on a daily basis, if you think about them too much, it all becomes somewhat laughable. Things like interdimensional travel and building-sized mutants just become part of your everyday life. You’re not entirely sure anything could shock you anymore. After a decade of this shit, you’re not sure what was left anyway. 

Yet, you sit completely silent on the couch. 

You’re not supposed to be here. Not just with Miguel but… here here. It was all going to end. You had your fair share of brushes with death in the past, an accepted hazard of all this crap, but just knowing the finality of it somehow made it all the more sobering. You always made it out okay. But this time… This time you weren’t supposed to.

You were supposed to die— and they all knew about it. He knew about it— and he saved you anyway. 

The most sacred rule was broken by the very man who declared it. What more was there left to say? 

“This whole shit storm just got even worse,” Gabe grumbles as he analyzes the numbers, “With her not even being in her own dimension… I don’t know.”

“ Shut. Up.” Miguel scolds him in a hushed tone. His eyes keep darting over to you as the two brothers work. 

After their immediate confrontation— with a good amount of screaming— they got to work. Countless projections filled Miguel's living room. You had no idea how to decipher the equations and charts and readings— which were all likely pointing to the same solution. You shouldn’t be here. This feels so wrong because you should be—

And you're just… sitting here. Fucking useless.  

“Can I help?” You dare to ask.

“No,” Gabe bites, “You’ve done enough.”

“This isn’t her mistake,” Miguel hastily steps in front of you, “It’s mine. So I’ll fix it.”

“Fix it?” Gabe barks out a laugh. “I thought I could trust you. I thought you’d learned.”

“There are things at play here that none of us could have anticipated,” Miguel says as calmly as he can. 

“Don’t,” Gabe groans, pushing his current projection screen away. “Please just don’t… talk like a scientist for one minute.” He runs his hands over his face with a deep sigh, stepping backward until he practically trips onto the adjacent couch. The sun has started peaking through the windows behind him. 

They’ve been at this for hours. 

Miguel seems to share the sentiment, stepping away from both of you. The neon projections hover motionless around all of you. They tell a story you don’t know how to read, and you're afraid to ask one of them what it says. 

So, you just sit quietly, waiting for one of them to deliver the final blow… whatever that may be. 

Death? Banishment? Some kind of interdimensional imprisonment? This is uncharted territory. The unknowns are stacked against you in every way. Miguel always plays it safe. Always bends to the will of the canon. Always makes the tough choices. Will he realize saving you was a mistake?

Even with all the gibberish equations floating around your head, you knew what the easiest option would be. The cause and the solution to this problem was sitting right here on the couch— quiet and useless.  

Being Spiderman is a sacrifice.

You push the intrusive thoughts back. He wouldn’t have saved you, he wouldn’t be working tirelessly just to let all that effort, all that risk, be in vain— right?

He saved you. He chose to save you.

Miguel is the first to break the bloated silence that’s settled over the room. He turns to Gabe.

“Get out.”

“ Excuse me? ” Gabe is instantly back on his feet. “After what you pulled—”

“We all need a break,” Miguel towers over his younger brother, “We’re spinning our wheels. No solution is going to come up if we don’t give ourselves time to digest what we know.”

“What we know?!” Gabe brushes past him. “We don’t know anything!” He waves his arms around the projections.

“Gabe!” Miguel hisses as he grabs his brother’s arm. His eyes briefly dart to you then back to Gabe. It’s a subtle gesture, you almost miss it, but his message is clear. 

You’re scaring her.

Are you scared? No, not scared— absolutely terrified. 

“Miguel…” You see Gabe’s shoulders drop ever so slightly. The anger is dissipating and being replaced with something you can’t quite place. Defeat? Pity? He glances at you for a split second before looking back to Miguel, “Migs… No puede volver a su casa.”

“ Sé…” Miguel says solemnly. 

“Ella no puede quedarse aquí.”

“Si…lo hará.”

“Mig–”

“I’m right here,” you bite out, harsher than you intended. Your Spanish may be extremely lacking but you’re not an idiot, “You can’t just talk about me like I’m not right here.”

“I’ll go. We’ll continue this later,” Gabe sighs, pulling his arm from Miguel’s grasp. He pauses in front of you, you finally look him in the eye. It was pity that replaced all that anger. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry.”

“Thanks,” you dismissively respond, turning away. 

You hear his boots shuffle over to the elevator. 

“Lyla’s main controls are turned over to me for the time being.” He announces as the elevator dings open. 

“Understood.” Miguel all but grumbles in response. 

Miguel can’t be trusted with such power anymore… because of you. Because he had to save you he’s been stripped of leadership. 

The energy in the room lightens when Gabe leaves but it’s still nowhere near comfortable. You still don’t move from the couch, blankly staring out the window. You pull your knees into your chest for some semblance of comfort and find none. At least the sunrise was beautiful today. 

“ Arañita ?” You hear Miguel’s voice. You feel the cushions dip next to you. Still, you don’t look at him. “Please… say something?”

“What do you want me to say?” your grip around your knees tightens, “What could I possibly say right now?”

The spider-sense hums faintly between you two, as it had for the last several hours. Strange how you always thought you could trust it. It was just another instinct after all. An extension of yourself. It would be like not trusting your own hands to tell you a stove is hot. Yet here you both are with your hands on the stove, the flesh long burned away. 

The numbness and shock were finally boiling into something else. You need a release. You need to feel something… anything else. 

He doesn’t hesitate to pull you into him when the tears start. To your surprise, you don’t pull away. You don’t know if you hate or adore him for this. You don’t know what to feel for any of this. Gratitude? Horror?

You feel like something was taken away and everything you wanted was given to you at the same time. You should be dead. You’re so happy you're alive. Someone will pay the price for this. Miguel has saved you. Miguel has doomed you. How can you fix this? Is there even an answer?

For now, crying will just have to do.

“Why?” you finally croak after an eternity. 

“Why?” His lips brush against your hair.

“Why save me?” you lean against his chest, part of you hating how much his touch comforts you, “Why interrupt the canon if you, of all people, understand the risk.”

He’s quiet longer than you’d like. You’re head rises and falls with his breathing. His heartbeat speeds up ever so slightly.

“I tried not to.” 

The admission stings more than you’d like it to. Of course he tried not to. Of course he didn’t come parading over on a white steed as soon as he got the news. This is Miguel O’Hara, the king of law and order in the multiverse. This is Miguel O’Hara… the man who’s changed your life forever.

“But you didn’t.” You finally say. 

“But I didn’t.” He repeats, running a soothing hand over your hair.

You finally turn up to face him, surly looking a mess with red puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. 

“I– I don’t know what to do, Miguel,” you choke, willing more tears down. You’ve had enough crying. It won’t solve anything. 

“You don’t have to do anything.” His hands find your face, forcing you to look at him. You see the pleading in his eyes. “You don’t have to do anything. I promise you I will fix this.”

You want to believe him. God, you do desperately want to believe him.

“We just haven’t done anything like this with a—” he cuts himself off, his teeth biting into his lip. 

But you know the next words. 

“Say it.” 

“Arañita, I don’t think–”

“Say. It.” 

His shoulders drop, defeated. “An anomaly.”

You scramble out of his grasp, suddenly suffocated by the magnitude of all of this. You pace over to the windows. Your emotions have been running high for the past month and this is the horrible climax. The horrible, perplexing climax. You finally let out a gut-wrenching scream, and it somehow helps more than the tears.

You're alive. You’re alive but you're just so… so something . Angry? Or maybe you're scared. Or maybe everything. Yes, that’s it. You feel everything. Rage. Gratitude. Confusion. Fear. All of them— but one is distinctly missing. 

Hope. You feel absolutely no hope. 

You’re an anomaly now. A bug in the system. Something this whole tower was built to stop. Of course there’s no hope here.

You should be dead, but you’re not. You should have taken the cure and ended all of this, but you didn’t. You should have done a lot of things but you never had the strength to do them. But if you did… you’d be dead right now.

Miguel catches you before you fall to your knees. He holds you close, comforting you the only way he knows how. This is all his fault. 

What, saving your life? That continuous voice in your head reasons. 

You can’t bring yourself to hate him, but you can’t bring yourself to be completely grateful either. What was honestly the right reaction to this? There isn’t one.  This is all just so… fucked.

You’re an anomaly. Something unstable that causes damage without trying. Your mere existence could end universes now. A realization hits you.

“I can’t go home, can I?” 

His pause is answer enough. He eventually speaks anyway.

“No.” You feel the remorse in his voice, “For all your world knows, you are… gone. The canon is playing out as predicted. Entering and interrupting it could have severe consequences. Your atoms are—”

“What are you going to do with me then?” You ask the question almost clinically as if trying to bypass the raging storm inside your head.

“What?”

“I’d lock me up if I were you. We don’t know—”

“You think I’d do that to you?” Miguel pulls away, forcing you to look into his eyes. “You really think I’d do that?”

You shy away from his gaze. “It’s the safest option. I’m dangerous.”

“You’re staying here. You’re staying here with me until we solve this.”

You can’t help but feel like he’s breaking more rules right now. Keeping an anomaly in your home? Unthinkable. You're a monster now. The enemy. 

An anomaly. 

“I’m not worth this kind of risk. I’m not—”

He pulls you into him, his lips enveloping yours with a deep moan. He cradles your face as he kisses you passionately— with meaning. You almost taste his pain. Your shared pain. The spider-sense quakes between you, just as afraid as both of you. You lean into it hoping to find relief there. And there is some, but not enough. It’s never enough when it’s Miguel. Not enough to fix things this time, unfortunately.

He pulls away, resting his forehead against yours. You breathe each other's air, both surely hoping a kiss fixes the mess you’ve made. He places another small kiss on your forehead. 

“You are worth everything .”

________

No puede volver a su casa.- She can’t go home.

Sé- I know.

Ella no puede quedarse aquí.- She can’t stay here.

Si…lo hará.- Yes… she will. 

Please please please let me know if any of this isn't correct

________

Taglist:

@ineedgarlicbread @pinkiemme @thesilenthill @bontensbabygirl @fallenangelsongwolf @raerorigel @littlefreakymunson @viriexo

@w33ni3 @del-ightfulling @radiantlyfemme @5sosuperntaural

Taglist post here!!!

[ichinose-kazuma]

Wait I think I've seen that fuckass Ichinose card in a reddit post

Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/TribeNine/comments/1jtgtw2/power_harassment_lebenstrieb_stories/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1

oooooooooooooooooo?

Thank yyou I am now going to combust. I am not going to spontaneously combust. Leaving an Ichinose-shaped crater in Poland forever. I am going to claim several lives in doing so . The entire area will be lost. Wish I could now go start punching the table in despair without my mother a few meters away judging me

Not my complete thoughts since today's a pretty sleepy day for me but anyway,

I know of some people who upon reading that a fictional character had a cold would. Nevermind

This sounds like something that I would actually write about him. Like straight up. Veneration: the T9 devs agree I am more-or-less objectively correct about the character of Ichinose Kazuma

googling what dorayaki is in order to engage with his interests. Ohh that looks fine. I would put that in my mouth. Dunno if I would like it. But I would be partial to trying it

Ichinose lightweight lore. Idk what "not good at drinking" would mean in exact specifics though I am also not very. Good at drink stuff. What the hells a martini or nalewka or goldwasser, all smells the same (bad), real men pour half a glass worth of isopropyl alcohol in their bath so the skin pores will absorb it and we fucking don't like it, but we know we have to.

hehe he likes dessert <3

wait I just remembered. That one scene where he yells at his useless goon for forgetting his drink. Did his tolerance like, got better or was he enduring through the torments in order to appear Cool or what

"how incredibly rigid and incompetent can you be, only knowing how to follow the rules?! (did not actually say it out loud before giving up)" in the context of the things he actually says in the main game is. hm

once again gonna google castella. looks spongy is that one of those sponge-structured thingies I heard people talk about

I am on Ichinose's side on this one actually you can persecute me all you want. What's wrong with a castella. Perhaps it was indeed the boss' fault for not being clear enough with him about him needing to apparently buy the Debbie Wingham's Runway Cake as a souvenir in order to maintain company respectability or whatever. Also he might be an unreliable narrator with saying that his boss proceeded to verbally insult him multiple times afterwards, he also might not. If he wasn't then that's Bad and Mean. And he should have killed them. Idk how it is in Japan never been there but itssaa ffuckinh souvernir..... .....

Ichinose's strong as fuck for going that long without realizing he has a cold. I would have toppled over on the ground pathetically as soon as I started getting the mildest congestion symptoms

Ichinose and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I'm having a blast meanwhile. His pain my gain

I lied I actually do feel bad for him even more. We are both suffering fuck our stupid baka lives truly

I am engaging with every single media wrong because no matter what if you give a specific set of traits to a villain I would straight up refuse to hate them for anything and just feel bad for them. Like not even in an acceptable way but moreso like I wish you got help so you didn't kill those approximately 104 people. Another torturous case of me seeing too much of myself in fictional villains only. The way he thinks is so reminiscient of my own mind, some of the dialogue in this one sounds like something that I would think on the semi-daily, but never show because of my masking and knowing that playing nice with people is so much more important; I don't really like interacting with others anymore, because of how much the longer they talk to me like we're equals or something the more I hate them and cuss them out in my head, without even listening to what they're saying at all, forever angry at the entire world for not realizing how much insignificant it is compared to me and it's just Some Guy giving me the directions to the bathroom the whole time. Ichinose Kazuma can be something that is so personal to the average Ichinose-Kazuma (with a dash) (it's this blog). Granted I am exaggerating a little bit but in order to understand my absolute and thorough obsession with Ichinose you gotta know that we are very similiar little things.

Ichinose Kazuma I am cupping your face in my hands I could have taught you how to normalmode instead of whatever the hell you're doing.

Wait actually nevermind, not gonna say that masking is the requirement or the best option for bettering your life, sorry bout that. Instead Ichinose Kazuma I am cupping your face in my hands this time even stronger, I could have taught you how to get healthy and sustainable sources or supply and hype yourself up without casualties and also you can tell me about whatever the hell happened in your childhood I promise I'm as good as a licensed therapist and wouldn't just say "damn that sucks" but if I hypothetically would then maybe you'd feel better anyway or something. Just throwing offers there. I could be your narcissism mentor boy I mean they I mean robot .

[percyaugod]

question! you made memes about a shred of humanity au back in april that seems really cool but i dont think you ever posted anything about it, is there anything you want to share about it?

I completely forgot I already mentioned that! I get distracted by other AUs and ideas and forget to post more, but I do have a good bit to share about it, probably a few posts worth. ^ ^

It's pretty much an AU where Donnie is Oroku Saki reincarnated.

The ancestors realize Oroku Saki is important in the Shredder's power. Otherwise, they wouldn't have used him in the first place. Especially when the armor willing gave all its power to be sealed with Karai just to cling to Saki's soul.

So when dismantling the armor and sealing it away, they also curse Oroku Saki's soul.

The soul is now forced to enter an endless cycle of reincarnation into that of a mindless animal. This should help make it useless and keep it hidden from any attempts of the foot clan to reunite it with the dark armor.

Such a powerful curse leaves marks though. Marks the foot clan, after centuries of searching, bribing, and tormenting, learn of. Marks that just happens to be on a softshell turtle that's about to get mutated with the intent of making a killing machine.

Because, of course, things can't be easy for the ancestors.

I was thinking, instead of Donnie's usual rectangle marking there's what almost looks like claw marks on Donnie's arms and legs. Leftover marks from the armor digging its claws into his soul trying to keep it.

The similar placement to Leo's own stripes is the reason Leo insists they're twins.

Donnie has memories nightmares a lot when he was little and waking up crying. He'd calm down as Leo curled in closer to him.

The downside to being able to think is being able to process things. Fortunately, since he's still young and things are confusing he doesn't remember it until he gets older. Though he does get an odd sense of dejá Vu at times.

Donnie, at times, doesn't feel right unless he's properly covered. Gauntlets and greaves to go along with his battle shell.

All padded because heavy metal resting against his skin makes him feel trapped.

For the most part, Donnie is just Oroku Saki, but some of the energy from the dark armor still clings to him. Even after he was violently ripped out and cursed, reincarnated again and again, it refuses to completely let him go.

Normally, he's fine just hanging out and building his tech, but he can't deny an odd thrill at the thought of chaos and destruction at the hands of him and his creations. There's just something about the Hamatos his family that's always so tempting to target. He never wants to hurt his family but has so many slip ups. It's honestly a constant struggle for him.

Donnie taking personal offense to the foot clan attacking him his family and having no idea why.

Yep, still more. : D

[starsoakednight]

19-6-24

Day 5

Everything was so smooth yesterday. I felt comfortable and relaxed and my appetite was back. Right now, I feel his absence in the background, a little bit sadness hovering near my shoulders. I saw a recent social media post he had liked at 2 am last night. Something about being so happy because you found someone with XYZ qualities. The description sounded exactly like me. I felt an instant whooshing sinking feeling in my chest, like someone had pulled my ribcage down. I couldn’t sleep after that. He chose someone when he wanted to. I kept ruminating for over 2 hours or more- overanalyzing, trying to comfort myself, be okay with whatever happened, sitting with the grief and regret and guilt (of ruining things for myself) the terrible feelings of unworthiness but my mind would not rest at all. I kept picturing an imaginary beautiful girl and him being together and loving each other and doing the best by each other.  God. All the things and fun activities I wanted to do with him. Why didn’t he choose me. I tried to connect as best as I could- why wouldn’t he reciprocate or initiate messages. We had so much in common, we could have become really good friends.

I will explore this in therapy but God, I don’t think I am ready to let him go yet even when he didn’t choose me. His fantasy soothes me enough. I think of closure conversations. Last night, I let myself really feel the loss to assess how it would feel when I have cut him off completely. He is gone, I told myself repeatedly. He is not coming back. Don’t hold on to the hope that he will come around- he seems way too emotionally stable for that (which is me storytelling again, I don’t know him that well). The void when he is totally gone from my social media life too and I no longer have access to anything he posts... it hurt. It’s almost been one year since I first messaged him and 6 months when I messaged him last. I don't know why I remain so hopeful about things and struggle to let go. I have always kept myself open to life's possibilities and maybe it is stupid but I keep thinking of this situation in these terms too. It is not like I seek his posts- I have him muted everywhere.

Fantasizing also keeps the loneliness and boredom away. Sure, he has a public account but I know how much pain I will be in if I keep stalking him so I think I won’t go there at all. My younger self doesn’t deserve it. It is terrible to grieve and let go of fantasy bonds. More so than real people because everything is perfect in fantasy. Working on my self-worth is going to take a long time, lol.

Just two hours ago, I was fantasizing about being friends with him. Talking to him about art and books and our shared interests. Grieving again and again, the person I wish he was instead of the person he actually was/is. I will set more social media boundaries though till I feel somehow emotionally ready to delete him for good. Maybe this is how I will cut down on useless doom scrolling lol- I don’t want to make a painful thing more painful by accidentally stumbling on his reels and posts that he is soooo in love and sooo happy while I am here, yearning and longing and rotting (intermittently) for him.

My younger self deserves so much better. From me and relationships in general. I know he will be with me for a while now but I am also hopeful about myself and how I always manage to transform pain into something meaningful.

All feeing is temporary. This too shall pass.

[dirty-dirty-muggle]

Read Chapter 4

Severus x Hermione - Post-Hogwarts, Hurt/Comfort, >130k words, E

Chapter 4 now available! We get a little more insight into the ministry and the wider wizarding world, Hermione’s motivations, and her past relationship with Colin Creevey. I ended up having a lot to ramble about, which can find below the cut if you’re interested. More Severus next chapter, I promise!

If you’re new here, start from Chapter 1.

Preview:

On Monday morning, Hermione arrived at her desk to find the latest report she submitted with a small note that said, “Please revise.” She stared at it, breathing hard through her nose, and counted to ten so she wouldn’t scream. A tiny muscle in her eyelid spasmed in revolt. Carefully, she put her handbag into a drawer. Then she turned around and walked as calmly as she could to the staff room. Judging by the startled glances and colleagues scurrying from her path, she did a poor job of hiding her fury.

Chapter 4 Rambles

Lots of things to talk about with this chapter, and I also promised to talk about writing Hermione. 

If you’ve been on my blog a while, you know Hermione’s my favourite HP character. I have such a solid headcanon about who she is, writing her POV comes fairly easily even when I choose to focus on different parts of her personality. For this fic, I really wanted to highlight some of her more negative traits, like her insecurity, poor emotional intelligence, and petty anger, both because her faults are part of what makes her an interesting character, and because HP fandom has a horrible habit of turning her into an endlessly supportive, flawless woman who has the answer to everything. Not only is that not who she is, but it’s about as dull to me as Hermione’s job in this fic is to her. 

Hermione’s a driven, hard working person who derives self-worth from her work, so being left to rot in a make-work job is probably the worst thing she could imagine. Given how small the wizarding world is, plus having magic to solve a lot of problems, there doesn’t seem to be nearly as many career opportunities in the magical world as there is in the Muggle one, and I think it’s likely the ministry has some useless departments to keep people employed. Given how ignorant wizards are of Muggles in general, I wouldn’t put it past them to completely misinterpret and/or make ignorant assumptions about things they might read or hear about, and Hermione’s job is to research these sorts of things. I had a lot of fun coming up with them one evening!

I also want to share a song. I was originally going to have lyric epigraphs on every chapter, but I didn't want my fic getting taken down over them, so I opted not to include them. Some chapters have songs that are indelibly linked in my brain, however, so I'm going to share them here in those cases. Most of them are drum and bass, because that's what I listen to 99% of the time. Obviously this chapter got a break-up song.

"It’s the end of the road / Dreams I’ve been sold / Better tell me where we went wrong"

[electronicwitchcollection]

Hey. So, I read accidental mate in the bleach tag and I wanted to tell you you’re insanely awesome. I have never in my life read a Y/N fic because it’s not my thing but you’re phenomenal. I’ve been visiting your page daily to see if you’ve been updating and saw your post which said you’d been too occupied by too many ideas which I completely understand and relate to so I’m waiting patiently for the day you decide to upload the rest of the chapters. They’re worth it. Like that scene when you understood that Grimmjow hadn’t kissed anyone ever and she adapts her kiss to suit him. What kind of genius was that? It was wonderful to read. Also, your Y/N is soooo not annoying. I always expect the MC to be too innocent or unaware but honestly I kinda love her and wish her and grimmjow a happy life at this point. I’ve been thinking about messaging you for a week but yeah. You’re a wonderful writer. Very engaging. Every character, particularly female, you write them superbly well. I’m in love. Thank you for writing. I can kinda see just why it’s necessary for people to write what they want because if you hadn’t published it I’d never have read it and that kinda makes me sad. So, yeah.

So I have read this about a dozen times, and I’m still yet to come up with any combinations of words to accurately describe how this has made me feel. All I can really say is thank you, thank you for your kind words and support. I’m literally blown away with your praise, I haven’t been able to take this grin off my face for the past two hours.

Honestly, I never imagined the amount of people this story would reach, and how many of those would love it as much as I do. I’m aware I’ve indulged heavily on Grimmjow’s more animalistic/hollow part of his personality, but I’ve seen so many amazing fan fiction that didn’t delve into it, that I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Reader figuring out Grimmjow had never kissed before was one of my personal favourites, but when I take the time to think about it, of corse he has never kissed anyone like that. He has been driven by his primal survival instincts for as long as he could remember, when would he have indulged in the practices of humans?

I once saw someone compare him to beast from beauty and the beast, and while it made for an interesting read, I could t associate the character with Grimmjow. The beast was a human, a prince. Grown up human and then transformed into a best. But he still has a man’s heart, his human brain. Grimmjow IS a beast. He has a hunters mind, a survivors heart, he’s only now learning about humans and their customs and adapting through it.

I also sometimes struggle with female OC’s / YN. Only because so many of them are either absolutely useless damsels in distress or some incredibly over powered, bad ass that it no longer makes sense with the fandom. So thank you, for realising how much effort I put into making a believable YN, someone who I hope most readers could associate with on some level. Is she so amazingly strong that she could take down Aizen with the snap of her fingers? No, of corse not, but that doesn't mean she doesn’t have her own strengths. Does she have flaws? Absolutely. Doesn’t mean she is powerless to help herself and others.

I actually loosely base all the female character off myself, as I find it easiest to put myself into the scenarios and decide how I would act. So the fact others are reading this loose representation of me, and like it! Finding her funny, relatable, kind and everything else, it honestly makes my heart want to burst.

Thank you again for reaching out, for making me so incredibly happy and proud of what I’m writing. Thank you to everyone who takes time out of their life to read what I write, to like share and comment on it. I love interacting with everyone and hearing what you love and other takes you have on the situation. I’m eager to write some more accidental mate tonight, encouraged by your love for the story. thank you 💜

[spillingwithrp]

"Trusting someone isn't a bad thing. There's no crime in trusting. But, following someone blindly, never using a ounce of brainpower, you would have realized that you were being manipulated." Unknown.

See, that is the biggest issue with everyone in the comicverse and beyond. You all just blindly follow anyone who is popular by demand. You never ask for proof when they pull the "She said, he said" game with you.

And now that screenshots are being photoshopped, it's pointless to even ask for those unless you know for certain that the person that is saying it about another is useless with editing. Anyone who admits that they can use photoshop or otherwise is just not to be trusted. At all. It would be best to have each person send you a screenshot of the conversation. And make up your own mind.

Because I would rather play the devil's advocate than blindly follow anyone at their word. Because humans lie, they betray and they live for drama by nature. It's why if there is a God, he hates what he created because we are completely trash by design. And that is a fact.

As far as I am concerned, none of you are worth a damn whatsoever. I have seen and been in too much to think that anyone on that cursed site is worth anything at all anymore. Or ever was.

You have bitches screaming that they were raped in character when they have a block option just ready and waiting. If you don't like someone being aggressive sexually. Block them, don't cry about it afterwards. Screenshot it all and publicly shame him. Let EVERYONE know what a creep that they are. And that is just that.

You have bitches that talk sweet to your face and make fun of you with their whole group server. All while telling you that they love your personality and that you are amazing. Meanwhile, plotting to betray you and ruin your reputation because you shared your deepest and darkest secrets with them. Treated them as if they were family and they were ready to strike as they extracted that embarrassment from you.

You have bitches that work you over and then abuse you as soon as they think that they can get internet fame on a stupid hobby that is meaningless.

This is not another soapbox speech or a rant about the glory days such as many are and will be from many. This is a warning to all.

These blogs have proven that people such as Ancora/Wrathful/Champion and Glory and Gore or whatever they're called, Aleera/Many names and so many others who have been proven to be snakes by their own admission of guilt. And what do I mean by that? They attack people in these blogs, tell people to kill themselves and then laugh it all off as if they were the hero of the scene. When they are the villain by being disgusting and hateful people.

And so have everyone and anyone who's ever posted about their "friend" on here or any other blog. The proof that they can talk shit so easily about you is just proof that everyone has became or at least reveled their true selves. Snakes everywhere and it is a shame. Because at least a enemy will talk shit to your face and not to your back while wearing a mask like a coward. I hope that everyone who has done this, gets what they truly deserve. And I mean what they truly deserve.

"A coward dies a thousand deaths."

‎

[golem-boy]

DevLog 04: …And a Happy New Year!

This month has been kind of a mess of inactivity for me, truth be told. I've spent more of it twiddling around on Windows, playing Warframe, than anything productive… though I suppose that in of itself is an update worth mentioning.

Secret Level released toward the beginning of the month, and perhaps the most surprising part about that in particular is the fact that I only watched the episode once. I liked the Warhammer one quite a lot though!

Warframe 1999 also released--a shocking couple of days after, no less!--and preoccupied me for the better part of half the month. It's been an incredibly rewarding and fun update, and it really feels like DE is hitting their stride with new quest mechanics and storytelling methods. I'm obviously dating Quincy…

…All that aside, I've figured out a very simplistic method of muscle rigging using stretch-to constraints and some clever eyeballing:

I wound up applying it retroactively to my now-basically-complete-aside-textures reference maquette of Post-Real Xan, as well as more or less speedrunning a high-def version of the UT99 botpack/mk II Xan. I had quite a lot of fun twiddling around with getting it as close to the concept art I have stashed as I could bear. It's a really enjoyable design, and I'd like to continue refining it as time goes on.

(There it is in the middle! Super pleased with the toony-stylized textures.)

On the note of actual tech, though, one problem I've been running into as of late is the way Windows handles, well, windows. Mint, my distro-of-choice at the moment, has a useful utility that, when you right click something in the taskbar, flips it to the opposite monitor. I have two, and it's super useful to be able to toggle a window with just a click… which isn't a thing on Windows at all. There are keybinds, sure, but they lack the convenience and muscle memory for me, which has proven very frustrating.

Worse than that is the fact that… between search degradation and the general culture and attitude about software the internet has, this isn't going to be solved anytime soon--nor is there anywhere that even points me in the right direction to fix it myself. This is super tiring, frankly, so I can only dig into the problem on my best health days. :T

I did find a nice little GUI tool for screen brightness and color temperature for Debian-related distros, though, which I'll have to link at some point if I happen to remember. I also tried a command line tool, but… that one only seemed to apply to my keyboard's… indicator LEDs?? Like, the capslock/numlock/game mode indicator lights. Not even the colored LEDs backing the keys themselves.

I was baffled for five straight minutes when I eventually clued in into what it was ACTUALLY toggling, truthfully. Uniquely useless to my specific setup, ha.

Still, the tool's been a wonder for these winter migraines I've been sprouting. I have to assume it's because it's getting dark at, what, 1630-1700 or something like that? I love winter, it's when I feel most active… but man, can't argue that the darkness makes working at my PC a bit of a drag.

I haven't really made a lot of headway in writing Neocities stuff, I've been too occupied with Blender as of late. I have a hunch that I'll be coasting the wave just a bit longer before returning to my usual gamut of projects… one of which might involve diving back into Factorio, honestly. I haven't touched it in a minute and I miss twiddling around in my main save and nurturing the ever-expanding trainwreck of belts I fondly named The Scrongdongler.

…Yes, it's named after that obscure ULTRAKILL style bonus, why do you ask? :'D

Anyhow, shorter post this time 'round, but not for lack of good stuff! I've slacked on posting pictures of my projects and WIPs, but big ships turn slowly, as they say. Bluesky has definitely been nice for dumping screenshots onto, though I really should get in the habit of sharing a wider palette of stuff.

'Til next time!

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[stewystew]

I Made A Leverage Timeline Because I Was Bored

Warning: this is like. way too in depth. and very nit-picky in terms of evidence, because I am a horrible perfectionist and my work is never finished.

Episode # - Approx. Date, Length of Job (Explanation) (extra details)

- Time Between Episodes

Most of the lengths are like. The MINIMUM amount of days for the job - “It was night in this scene, and in the next scene it was morning! That’s two days!” - not counting client meetings because there’s usually no way of knowing how much time was spent planning the job. Also, the dates I’m very super not sure about are marked with *asterisks*.

1.1 - May/June 2008, 2 weeks+ (NBA playoffs are April-June, and at that time the fifth games of each round were at the beginning and middle of the month. The stockholders meeting was “at the end of the month” - May/June 27-31, presumably - meaning Dubenich met with Nate within the month of May/June. Personally I think the game was in the semifinals (second round), and in May, bc the first and third round games were literally the first three days of the month and that doesn’t seem like enough time to plan a heist, and calling the finals the “playoffs” sounds weird to me) (this is the most adherent to reality I get, I promise)

- I actually have no clue, but it must have been at least a couple weeks

1.2 - 4 days+

1.3 - 1 week+

1.4 - 1 week+

1.5 - 1 day (Mile High, less than eight hours from the initial break-in to the plane landing)

1.6 - 5-6 days (Miracle Job, ends on a Sunday)

1.7 - ? (Two-Horse)

- However long it took to hook the judge guy

1.8 - 1 day (Bank Shot)

1.9 - 1 week+

- At least one job (team’s mad at Parker for being reckless)

1.10 - 1 week-ish (Juror #6, in Hardison’s closing argument he says that the trial lasted a week)

1.11 - 4-5 days

1.12 - Oct 2008 (Measured from 2.1, and is ~4 months after my 1.1, which lines up with my length estimations, plus a few weeks of wiggle room)

- Four Months

1.13 - Feb 2009

- Six Months

2.1 - Aug 2009 (I don’t actually remember where I got this date, but it’s 15 months from my 1.1, and in Nate’s interview at the beginning of the episode we find out that he’s been with the team for around a year, when the interviewer asks about the gap in his resume)

2.2 - 6+ days

2.3 - 1 day (Order 23)

2.4 - Sept~Oct 2009 (Fairy Godparents, has to happen during the school year) (Sophie spends two days putting together the “science-sical” but I don’t feel confident enough to estimate the rest of this episode’s length)

2.5 - *Sept~Oct 2009*

2.6 - *Late Oct 2009* (The mark mentions a “record breaking third quarter”)

2.7 - *Nov 2009* (Two Crew Live, probably about six months before 2.15 because Eliot says 2.8-2.14 happened within “the last six months”, but I’m willing to fudge by a few weeks)

2.8 - *Nov 2009*

2.9 - <1 week

2.10 - ?

2.11 - Jan-Feb 2010 (Bottle Job, snowing)

2.12 - ?

2.13 - ?

2.14 - Apr 2010 (the East Coast Triple-A baseball league at the time, International League, started playing games in the first week of April)

2.15 - Apr 2010

- Five to Six Months (3.3: Nate was in prison for six months)

3.1 - Oct 2010 (6 months before 3.15)

3.2 - Late Oct 2010 (mark’s company had disappointing quarterly results, Sophie also rescheduled a reunion that would have happened June-July with this date, which makes sense for a reunion) (reunion was on the 28th)

3.3 - 1 day (Inside Job)

3.4 - Nov 2010 (5 months before 3.15)

3.5 - ?

3.6 - ?

3.7 - ?

3.8 - ? (note: Boost Job, mark’s employees are watching the NBA playoffs, and the literal earliest I could possibly push this episode is like. Late July. so I’m ignoring that piece of information.) (however, the NFL playoffs are in January. And that works for my timeline 👀)

3.9 - ?

3.10 - ?

3.11 - one night (Rashomon)

3.12 - Feb 2011, 3-4 days, four months after 3.1

3.13 - 2 days

3.14 - Christmas 2010 (Ok. Listen. Listen. Seasons 3 and 4 just Do Not Work if 3.12 happens before this episode. They just don’t. So I’m going to make the claim that this episode was aired out of order because ✨Christmas✨. Thank you for understanding. I promise, it fixes the whole thing.)

3.15 - Apr 2011 (six months after 3.1) (Also, ~one year after 2.15)

3.16 - Apr 2011, 1 week (from the time they take over the campaign) (Hardison is 24 here, making his birthday somewhere between Mar 25 1986 and Mar 24 1987) (The 2002 Oscars, when he was 15, was on Mar 24)

- Less Than Two Weeks

4.1 - Apr 2011 (three months after a storm in winter shut down the mountain)

4.2 - 2 days (10 Li’l Grifters)

4.3 - ?

4.4 - 1 day (Van Gogh)

4.5 - 1 day (Hot Potato) (exactly two days counting client meeting)

4.6 - ?

4.7 - 3+ days (Grave Danger)

4.8 - ?

- One Very Exciting Job

4.9 - 2 hours (Cross My Heart) (six hours counting the surgery)

4.10 - 3 days (Queen’s Gambit)

4.11 - Sept 2011, 1 week+ (The real life secret society that this was based on recruits in April-ish, but that would shove the past nine episodes into like a month, and also make it so the mark is still doing tests for his “senior project” within weeks of his graduation, so we’re not doing that. It’s My Fav TV Show’s Fake Secret Society And I Get To Pick The Rules)

4.12 - *Sept-Oct 2011*, 4-7 days (Office Job, at beginning of episode the buyout is happening “at the end of the week”)

4.13/4.14 - one night

4.15 - *Mid Oct 2011*, 2 days (Lonely Hearts, I just don’t think the weather in the Hamptons would be quite that nice any later than that?)

4.16 - ?

4.17 - Nov/Dec 2011, 1 day (Radio Job) (a Sunday)

4.18 - Nov/Dec 2011 (Dubenich was in jail for 3 years 5 months 4 days)

- One Year?

5.1 - Nov 2012 (plane’s anniversary is Nov 2nd, 2012)

- Christmas 2012 is when they went “overboard” on gifts

5.2 - Feb-Mar 2013 (That’s when playoffs were for the closest irl thing to that semi-pro league) (there aren’t actually any semi-pro hockey leagues in the US currently!)

5.3 - ?

5.4 - ?

5.5 - Apr-May 2013 (Gimme a ‘K�� Street, cheer comps)

5.6 - ?

5.7 - ?

- Parker tore her ACL, minimum six weeks from here to 5.9

5.8 - 5+ days

5.9 - Aug 28-Sept 11 2013, 1 day

5.10 - Aug 28-Sept 11 2013, 2 days (Frame Up, dates are in the document Sophie prints out)

5.11 - Sept 2013, 1 week+ (Low Low Price)

5.12 - Sept-Oct 2013 (White Rabbit)

5.13 - Sept-Oct 2013 (Corkscrew, harvest season)

5.14 - Christmas 2013 (Toy Job)

5.15 - 2014, 1 day (Last Goodbye, counting only the job)

In conclusion: FUCK season three for having such a clear timeline. Season 2 can stay but it’s on thin fucking ice

Most of this is soooo bullshit but I had fun. so.

[sunfoxfic]

I don't have concise thoughts over this. So if you have a counterargument or things that I hadn't considered then please tell me. But I'm honestly unsure how I feel about what some people claim over the Ladynoir power imbalance.

I think, first and foremost, that the Ladynoir conflict isn't being caused because there's a power imbalance between them. There's a few points in time where Ladybug's greater power over Chat Noir creates conflict, Ephemeral being a good example, but I'd say that overall the only thing it's really doing is making existing tensions worse; and as such, if those tensions didn't exist, the power imbalance wouldn't be an issue.

As @ladyofthenoodle points out here, Adrien feels useless right now, and the solution to that isn't to give him a "use" but to separate his sense of self worth from how helpful he can be to others. Essentially, Chat Noir shouldn't need to be as powerful as Ladybug for him to feel secure in his position.

I also think that while it's worth noting that Ladybug's position of power over Chat is definitely making him feel more useless, she isn't actually using her position of power against him. I go back to Ephemeral: Ladybug's goal in that was 1) to protect his position as the Black Cat holder, and 2) keep herself out of it. She was going about it the wrong way, but she wasn't using her position of power to hurt him.

I just don't know. I think some people have this perception that anyone who has more ability, autonomy, or control than another person can't be in an equal partnership with the other. And it's just.... I understand why people are uncomfortable with Ladybug theoretically having power over another person.

But, for example, is it inherently imbalanced for one person in a marriage to make money while the other stays at home taking care of kids? There's a potential power imbalance there. One person has more autonomy and control than the other; if they decide to leave or stop sharing their money, the other is screwed. Is that inherently unbalanced?

No. It very clearly isn't. House spouses aren't inherently abused in their position.

And there's so many relationships that are like that. A parent inherently has the potential to create a power imbalance with their child. (Any adult has the ability to create a power imbalance with a child.) A boss inherently has the potential to create a power imbalance with their employee. A doctor inherently has the potential to create a power imbalance with their patient.

Does that mean that we need to abolish the concept of parents, upper management, and healthcare?

I understand why people want Ladybug to have less ability to exert control over Chat. But I also think that the discussion is being pushed to "two partners should be completely level in every single way" rather than "everyone should know the signs of when a relationship is becoming unhealthily imbalanced so that things don't go too far and no one gets hurt, and if it goes past the point of no return, either person should have an exit." Which is much more applicable to individuals, realistic, and kind.

The issue isn't strictly that Marinette has the ability to force Adrien into certain decisions because of the power that she has over him. The issue would happen if she started to exert that power over him. But I don't think she would. Not consciously, at least. She fought against what Su-Han did in Furious Fu and Ephemeral with everything in her, and that was a real situation where someone with power over another person was exerting it unjustly. Is the power imbalance making Adrien feel like shit? Yeah. But that's because he's staking his self worth on how useful he is -- how much power he has, in some cases. And that's not an issue you solve by giving him more power, like Noodles said in the post I linked above.

Like I said, my thoughts on this aren't concise, and it's a sticky issue, and I'm trying to be sympathetic to why people are so uncomfortable with the power imbalance involved with Marinette being Guardian. But I don't think I agree that she needs to stop being Guardian, or that Adrien needs to co-Guardian with her. Because the existence of the potential to exert more power on someone than is fair isn't something you can solve, nor should you in many cases, and in that way I would much prefer the story to recognize the power imbalance and find a way to keep it in check realistically than to just turn it into a non-issue.

[luckyladylily]

I keep on seeing posts where people say that not reblogging is killing the creative side of tumblr, and then people getting mad about “trying to guilt trip” people into reblogging.

It isn’t a guilt trip. It is a fact. Sharing creations is about community. Overcoming the emotional cost of putting your art and yourself out to judge is a real cost. Risking harassment if you post anything that isn’t squeaky clean is a real cost. In order for posting to be worth it there has to be a real benefit that outweighs the real cost of posting your creations on tumblr. The benefit comes in two potential forms: Monetary benefit and community benefits. The tumblr community doesn’t support creators monetarily for some reason, so that leaves community benefits. Community is interaction. You cannot have a community without it.

I follow lots of artists and fic writers that used to be active on tumblr. They are not any more, and the majority of them didn’t leave because of the porn ban, most were posting well into 2020 or even 2021. And then they just stop. And it isn’t hard to see why when artists never get any interaction or money. The costs far outweigh the benefits. The benefit of posting on tumblr is so low that it isn’t even worth the cost of maintaining an artist presence on tumblr even if they are already creating and posting elsewhere. That is a direct result of the unsupportive behavior and attitude of people who use tumblr. Wanting and demanding content without supporting the people who create is major tumblr culture.

I write fanfic and original fiction and engagement on tumblr is so low it feels completely useless to post. If I am very lucky I might get one or two likes. I think only one piece of writing I have ever posted here got one reblog. What’s even the point when no one cares? And it isn’t just writing. I can post art my wife makes and I’m lucky if it gets one reblog. The best my wife’s art ever did was a 40 or so notes, less than ten of them reblogs, and no comments.

So I just stopped. It’s not worth the effort to make a creative post on tumblr. Maybe at best I’ll occasionally just throw a text post with a link to my AO3 when I post something but that’s it. That’s all the effort tumblr is worth. You get nothing out of it unless you are a huge blog. All cost and no benefit.

It isn’t a guilt trip to point out the truth. People like me are doing our best to turn the culture around so we can get the creative types back and posting again. Now if statements that boil down to “support creators or they wont be supported” makes you feel guilty, that’s a you problem.

If you don’t want to support creators that is fine, whatever. You just wont be part of the community. But don’t come on here and demand that people stop saying we should support creators because it makes you feel guilty. Either learn to not care that you don’t support creators or start supporting creators. Deal with your own problems, don’t make them our problems. That’s selfish and shitty of you. Oh and especially don’t claim that we are being the shitty ones for trying to bring about the conditions that will revive tumblr creative culture. Unbelievably shitty right there.

You don’t get to demand the destruction of creative culture on tumblr because you don’t want to participate.

[yooniesim]

Very quick question, simblr will post things like please tell me if I’m following someone sketchy, so someone goes around to give “heads up” or a “warning” but it seems like it’s okay to do so in some cases but not others. I was wondering when you think is the right time to do that, or if it should stop altogether. I know that’s it’s possible to have different opinions on someone or something (but I feel like simblr can’t fathom that.) Do we let people follow whoever or do we speak up? I guess as someone who’s new here I’ve seen this trend and it can be overwhelming when it comes to who I’m supposed to follow or not. Sorry if this is gibberish, and you don’t need to answer at all. Thanks for even reading!

Hey nonny, this is a complicated question that I'm not entirely sure of the answer.

I think, ultimately, it depends on your personal lines. Because we as people can't take on every issue and try to save the world. Not only is it exhausting, especially if you're part of a marginalized group that deals with this shit IRL to start with, but it's functionally impossible. And we can all only take so much. I have to say that again. We can only take so much. Ultimately, if fighting the so-called good fight on the internet is too overwhelming, you can just stop. In fact, you should. Dealing with shit on here combined with IRL took me to one of my lowest points in my life, and depressingly, it did functionally nothing in the grand scheme of things. Whether that grand scheme of things was in terms of the simblr community or the world a whole, it's the same; I accomplished nothing and nothing changed. Except I feel worse when trying to participate in the community and I certainly have a far bigger target on my back from bigots and anyone else that just found me annoying. It gave me a bad reputation for being involved with "drama" and I've endured so much vile shit being said about me on here that occasionally it makes me nauseous to think about. So was it worth the time and effort spent? Well, no. So from my experience, I would advise not to get too wrapped up in who did what and who you should block and the entire history of who did that stupid ass thing that one time. It's useless.

Instead, measure by your own lines, your own morals and triggers. I personally block transphobes, terfs, racists, etc, that have documented proof in their own words of bigotry, that have not apologized/changed. I don't go into others inboxes to inform them about these people, but I will reblog/boost informative posts with appropriate proof and tag them accordingly, so that my followers can be aware. I certainly do not take random anons as proof and do not share rumors or vague accusations. If you ever feel the need to inform someone about someone else, be sure to investigate fully and know exactly what you're talking about before you do so and provide links/screenshots. Simblr has the collective memory of a goldfish and mixes things up all the time, together with remembering rumors as fact or even completely switching around events. I have over 500 asks in my inbox, and have received "reports" about many, many people here. A good amount of them are inaccurate & misremembered, accidentally about someone else entirely than who they named, have two different stories mixed up, are sourced from bad faith actors (such as bigots), or are completely made up with no source. I've always emphasized reading comprehension, proper research, and taking where you're getting your information from into account, and now I want to stress that even more.

I also do want to emphasize that random people on simblr are not the beacon of morality, nor should they be the judge of who is good and who is bad. We all have bias, misconceptions, and different backgrounds and life experiences. We all have different follower counts and influence in this sphere. And in my experience, simblr's perverted sense of justice more so depends on how well you are liked, who you are friends with, and what you can give the community than the weight of your actual crime. There is a reason why simopeia (just one example, there are many) gets called out every other week and still gets hundreds of notes on posts. There is a reason why certain cc creators regularly rip off the community but are continously overlooked. There's a reason why popular simblrs can act like complete assholes and engage in bigotry and go on unchecked, but others get railed for minor infractions. And there's a reason why minority simmers are criticized far more harshly for their mistakes than their peers, especially the few that have taken up the white savior role.

Simblr is not a court of law. It's social media. And it's a social game more than anything else. Many people have been here for years and have personal history with one another. Some hate each other for being friends with or following someone they dislike. They will hold onto shit endlessly, bring old events up over and over out of context, even consider themselves some sort of online royalty with the power to exile those they dislike to Instagram or Twitter. Whether they find legitimate problematic behavior or just decide to make it up one day, they use and abuse their follower count on a whim without any regard for the effects they might have. It's an ego-fueled game with a fresh & shiny veneer of performative morality. And those that are good intentioned get swept up in it thinking that it is legitimate until they meet the harsh reality that it's nothing more than a fool's errand. It's bitter and sad, and in my experience, the people that endlessly talk about this either lack control in their life IRL & think they can change things in this smaller space (like I did) or simply have made being angry online their personality and can't find a way to break out of it. You do not want to become one of these people, trust me.

These are a lot of words for me to say, basically- judge for yourself, block who you need to, but don't get too wrapped up in it all. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell anyone anything, but if you feel you should (and they've expressed wanting to be told), be sure to do so clearly and appropriately with proof. Above all, protect your own peace. No one else will. If you don't want to engage with it or don't feel you have the mental space, then just don't. I certainly can't blame you for that.

[corrodedcoughin]

hi anna i hope you're doing well <3 i wanted to share a bit about my experience with burn out from your recent post. last year I was attending school and a lot of big moments were happening in my personal life. all of that plus the workload, commute, etc. left me feeling burnt out to the point of severe depression :/ your body is constantly tired and you just feel empty regardless of how your try to surround yourself with good things. could be people or food or music or a show but once you feel utterly wrung out, it's hard to feel much of anything else. i know for me it kind of manifested in unhealthy habits to just kind of quickly get through the day, a shot sleep schedule, and for me to start obsessing over little crap that really wasn't all that important. all my time was being used to work or overthink myself into a panic and it just made me feel completely isolated from family, friends, peers, and i left that term feeling stupid and useless.

the best way i try to go around my burnout is for one, to not push myself through it. yeah it all seems hopeless now but is my problem today gonna be the same in a month? a year? i try to think outside the present moment because sometims you might not even realize you have tunnel vision until you actually get out of the tunnel.

my hobbies are still gonna be there when i want to enjoy them but my body and health are what need to be my first priority. a lot of my hobbies were related to tumblr/ao3 or just being online in general so I decided to quit. for around three months I stayed off my socials and deleted apps like tiktok and instagram and decided to stick to the least attention grabbing apps i like. even then i made an effort to stay off my phone as long as i could. it may sound kinda dumb but lowering screentime actually really does help reduce anxiety and i find i don't miss those apps at all.

and for me my burnout was largely being caused from school and I realized that this wasn't the right path for me at all. so i quit because nothing, no matter how seemingly important, should make me feel so horrible. I mean it's not even sadness or exhaustion it's emptiness. you feel nothing and everything and it aches and you just end up ruining all the good things you have by trying to ignore it and push through.

another thing that helped was finding stuff for me to do in my personal life whether that was getting a new job, cleaning the house, cooking a meal, or finding a new love for movies. I prioritized myself and i feel good. It took me about 6 months but I got there and it's worth it. I don't feel isolated or as exhuasted as before and life feels good again, my hobbies feel good again.

I hope you know you're not alone when it comes to feeling this way and i hope you take care 💌 happy easter or just have a happy april

Hello! I’m going to put a bunch of stuff under a read more but before I do that I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to even notice/read the things i posted and then writing this. I’m so, so glad that you are feeling better now and that you were able to do that for yourself. It sounds like you really figured out what you needed and it worked and knowing that it does work is so reassuring. So just thank you. For being kind to me and to yourself and sharing. I’m so glad you are here and if you ever want to talk be it silly or serious, my dms are always open.

You are so completely right about social media. I’ve had Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat deleted for a couple of years now. Covid pushed me over the edge with them and the relief of not having them there anymore is incredible. I have tiktok but go on it maybe for a week straight then don’t touch it for a few months. Idk it’s not great at holding my interest.

But yeah tumblr has been a bit of a difficulty for me, hence the dropping out for days at a time. Keeping up with things/engaging and needing to do it ‘right’ is so much more mentally straining than you realise until it’s just one more thing to push you over the edge. Even when I wasn’t replying to messages/asks I would be online trying to keep at track of things so I could ‘do my reblogging duty right’ when I eventually did feel good enough mentally to come back and it’s so STUPID. like!!! Nobody cares if I interact with their posts!! Nobody!!! I just internalised and spiralled a bunch of things from other parts of my life into here too!

Work has been really bad for at least six months now and it’s so hard. Then self doubt over looking into Autism and other mental health stuff as well as gender and trying to keep up with the gym and step targets and feeling bad for not being social every single hour of my day like my very extroverted brother has just really pushed me down into a hole. You don’t realise how many things are going on until they smack you over like a wave and then it’s like ‘oh boy, I can’t get up. And I don’t want to because I’ll just be pushed down again’

Eventually I started just taking my car down to the sea and reading a physical book instead of being online. It’s helped. It’s not sorted things but it’s helped.

My hobbies are primarily online too so I have an idea of where you are coming from, won’t say I understand because everyone is different but I get it. The temptation really IS to push through. I actually said to my only coworker ‘I just need to make it to the end of April. Then I can think about getting signed off if I /really/ need to but I won’t. It’ll be fine’ I don’t know why!! The job doesn’t care back!

I won’t bore you with all the details but it’s been Wild and knowing that you got through the other side is genuinely a light at the end of the tunnel. So thank you for sharing your experience. School is so hard, the first time I went I had to leave for mental health reasons or face hospital admission. I mean it when I say I’m so proud of you for making that decision. Truly. I wish you nothing but ease for the next section of your life, you deserve it. I hope you’ve found a new favourite movie or genre or just general joy in the new hobby! Would love to hear more about that or absolutely anything you have to say, your words are very easy to read and hold a lot of happiness in them. Thank you again and good luck with your new job if you have one or the search if you are looking!

[bloodraven55]

I saw a post recently where someone else analysed how Luz's love language is acts of service and Amity's is physical affection, and it got me thinking so in light of today's incredible episode I want to do some serious digging into Luz's feelings for Amity. This is probably gonna get pretty long but hey, these two are more than worth it.

I'm going to go through three key episodes for Luz and Amity's relationship so that I can properly illustrate my points, starting with Lost in Language.

First, I want to talk about how, despite the fact that Amity had been nothing but objectionable to her so far, literally all it takes for Luz to decide she wants to befriend her anyway is reading about Azura befriending Hecate in her book and seeing Amity reading to kids at the library. This clearly establishes that Luz is intrigued by Amity and willing to go out of her way to connect with her, even when Amity hasn't yet given her any particular reason to do so.

Next, let's talk about the manner in which Luz tries to save Amity from Otabin later in the same episode. This is one of the first times we see Luz attempt to be Amity's hero, as she chooses to make an unnecessarily dramatic entrance dressed as her own version of Azura, playing the role of the dashing knight come to rescue the fair maiden albeit not quite as gracefully as is usual in these stories lol. She even takes the time to doodle Amity being impressed by her performance too, introducing the idea that Amity's perception of her means a lot to Luz.

Finally for this episode, we get another example of both these things: Luz putting in a substantial effort to bond with Amity, and Luz wanting to impress Amity or get specific reactions from her. After impulsive plan to get them away from Otabin works, Luz finds the time to be a good even when they're running for their lives and actually manages to make Amity laugh which was an impressive feat at that point tbh, looking extremely pleased when her comment is received positively.

These next two moments provide a neat link to the next episode I want to discuss, Adventures in the Elements, so I'll cover them in one go. We see Luz's first Act of Service for Amity when she offers her the Azura book she's missing to show that she wants to be friends, and then when she meets Amity to get it back we see how important the gesture was for Luz. She's very eager to hear Amity's thoughts, loves it when she finds the fanart Amity drew, and in general it's just obvious that this was another attempt to impress Amity on Luz's part.

This only continues as Luz proudly proclaims that she's going to join Amity's class at Hexside, even winking at her in the process, and solidifies the significance of her giving Amity the book even more by suggesting they start a club to talk about it further. Like, seriously, this entire episode is pretty much just Luz being adorably excited to share classes with Amity and flat out learning a whole new spell just to make sure it happens.

The interesting thing here, though, is that Luz gets really nervous as soon as the twins suggest they all train together, enough to lie to them in a moment of panic, and then gets super embarrassed when she sees that Amity is also practicing at the Knee. This doesn't seem to make much sense since Amity is being pretty nice by this point and not at all mocking or condescending, and Luz has given up on trying to look cool to the twins by now too. But it actually makes a lot of sense when you consider that this is another instance of Luz wanting to impress Amity and worrying about looking inept in front of her.

There's also the way that Luz is just... so clumsy and awkward around Amity in these episodes. The girl knocks a book to the floor and falls off a rock just trying to say hello, for crying out loud, complete with stammering over her words. Yeah, it's safe to say Luz is lowkey crushing on Amity here.

Don't worry, because I saved the best for last. Enchanting Grom Fright is basically the culmination of everything those two previous episodes set up. Not only do we get two Acts of Service from Luz, with her offering to face her own worst fear for Amity with zero hesitation and then happily offering to go to Grom with her so that Amity wouldn't end up alone, but she also brings out some dramatic flair when she declares herself Amity's “fearless champion,” like a knight in shining armour vowing to protect her princess although she still hasn't got the graceful part down lmao.

Plus, there's the fact that in both of their Lingering Eye Contact in Close Proximity with Romantic Tension™ moments in the episode, Luz's expression is the exact same as Amity's, wide-eyed and curious like she's not quite sure what to make of what she's feeling. And that's even before she just full on starts flirting with Amity later on. I'm sorry, but those smirks and fancy show-off moves while dancing are not remotely heterosexual, Luz.

All of this brings us to their current situation: Amity is aware of her crush on Luz but thinks that Luz only sees her as a friend, and Luz is subconsciously flirting with Amity as well as trying to show off for her and be her hero but remains fairly unaware of her crush on her and thinks that Amity likes someone else. So in conclusion, teenagers are useless, but we been knew. Rather, the point I want to end on is that there's a reason why Luz and Amity were so in sync with such amazing chemistry during their dance when they weren't talking, and it's because they both have different ways of communicating their emotions but when they let their actions speak for them they were finally on the same page albeit briefly.

tl;dr - Luz and Amity are both crushing hard on each other, they just need to realise that the other has a different way of expressing their feelings and find the courage to be honest with each other. Amity's crush is more glaringly blatant, what with all the blushing and gay panicking and wanting to ask Luz to the school dance, but Luz's crush on Amity is also pretty evident in the way she tries so hard to impress her and often steps in to help her out with grand gestures, which she never does to anywhere near the same extent with any of her other friends.