#and started eating 2k calories in a sitting

[tramontane-fire]

food/ed talk

[thegainingdesk]

Stomach capacity's a weird thing, isn't it? I swear, a couple of weeks ago I thought to myself "I'll never be able to consistently eat enough to consistently gain weight" - itself a somewhat insane thought, since I've gained an average of 1.4 pounds a week this year. I can clearly eat enough to gain weight. However, I also definitely can't "eat like a fat guy" like all the gaining advice tells me to - I cannot binge for the life of me. Once I've hit my limit, that's it. I naturally eat slowly and have, despite developing quite the belly this past year, frequently been unable to eat as much as some much smaller mates. I fundamentally cannot eat like a gainer is supposed to be able to.

But recently, some switch has been flicked. The past two days, I've eaten two dinners on each day, on top of otherwise fairly heavy days.

Yesterday, I had steak and chips with my partner, before going out to meet some mates I hadn't seen in a while. Once I got there, everyone started mentioning they'd not had dinner. Well, I'm not going to just sit there and watch everyone else eat, am I? Here I am, nominally a gainer and skipping a meal? Besides, it'd be rude, wouldn't it. We decide on an Indian restaurant - I order lamb bhuna, portion of rice, two roti. I mean, it's nothing insane, but that's just a regular order - more than a few of my mates ate, and this is my second dinner. I finish it all. I could probably eat more. Two dinners, five pints, sorted.

And today my partner was working from the office instead of from home so I was by myself and I thought, well, got to treat yourself, haven't you? Nipped to the shops - two cinnamon buns for breakfast, big sandwich for lunch, bought a great big sharing swiss roll to just nibble on through the day - a proper, footlong thing that slowly disappears through the day. As my partner texts me he's coming home, I'm feeling like I could eat, quickly polish off a big tub of leftover pasta salad as I get dinner started. Dinner's a roast chicken with vegetables, mashed potatoes, gravy. As we were tidying up the kitchen just now I polished both the wings off too.

What's that? At least 4 thousand calories yesterday, well over 5 thousand today easy (that swiss roll claimed to be 2k by itself). And here's the thing. This isn't just me having a couple of hungry days. I've felt absolutely stuffed the past two days. Woke up stuffed this morning. My gut feels heavy and big and stuffed (looks heavy and big and stuffed, for that matter). I've just... Not cared. Kept on eating. It hasn't even felt like "pushing through it". I've just wanted to eat. Ate like a fat guy.

Here's hoping it keeps up.

[chubbibat]

How many calories do you eat a day?

I don’t keep track at the moment as it’s been inconsistent each day , but let’s just say i can definitely eat 2k in one sitting. I will definitely start tracking it and taking measurements for progress if anyone is interested in seeing that as well <3

[krreader]

BTS reacting to your daughter wanting to become an idol.

pairing: bts x reader fandom: bts warnings: language genre: angst ; fluff word count: 2k+

a/n: sooo, I wasn’t sure if you wanted the main argument to be the dieting, but I feel like there are a lot more reasons why they’d be worried, so I hope you don’t mind me only putting diets as one of the many reasons. nevertheless, I hope you like it ♥

kim seokjin

“We were seven men and we had our own struggles. What do you think happens when it's seven women who are constantly getting compared to each other?” Jin stood in front of your daughter with his arms crossed in front of his chest, “Do you know what's going to happen? They're going to say things like: 'Oh, you've gained more weight than her, you need to be put on a diet now'.”

“I'll deal with that if it comes down to it, dad, but I'm old enough to know what I'll be putting myself through and I'm making this decision with or without your approval,” she got up and copied his pose and once again, you could see that she truly was his daughter.

You got up with a sigh, standing between the two before the argument could escalate any further.

“We're worried and you know we have every reason to be. So how about we make a deal. You do your thing, you agree and join the company, but your father is allowed to monitor everything.”

“What, like I'm a baby?! I'm 16!”

“No, like a manager,” you turned around to look at your husband, “You've been itching to work in the industry again as well, just differently this time, this would be the perfect opportunity. Sira could become the idol she wants to be without having to worry about much, because you'll take care of her like the father that you are and the manager that you could be.”

It certainly was an odd proposal, there weren't many idols that were managed by their parents, but it has happened every now and then.

And it was something that both Jin and your daughter were ultimately okay with, because they both got their ways, even if not exactly how they thought they would.

min yoongi

“Aren't you... going to say anything?” your daughter pushed her food around, her eyes on her father who wasn't looking at her at all.

You were feeding your baby to your right, your eyes switching from her to him, afraid of what this might turn into.

“So you want to become their slut.”

“Yoongi!” you immediately complained.

“No, (Y/N),” Yoongi looked up, first at you, then at your daughter, “You have no idea how fucked up this industry really is. Why do you think I left when I did? Why do you think I did everything I could to protect you from this life? Do you want to starve yourself for the rest of your life? Do you want to portray a version of yourself that you're not until the day you die?”

“I didn't do anything yet, dad! They just made an offer, I didn't say anything yet!” she was upset, clearly, “I'm sorry, I should have just said no.”

But when she started sobbing, Yoongi's hard shell broke down immediately and his shoulders slumped with a heavy sigh.

“Listen, I know you love music, but becoming an idol is not the way to go. If you're serious about music, I can help you get in touch with the right people, people that won't use you like the agencies would in a position of as an idol.”

She nodded, even though she was still crying.

Later that night, you ended up joining her in her bed, holding her close while explaining to her why Yoongi had been so upset. Why he was so scared for her and that he didn't do this to punish her, but simply to protect her.

And thankfully, she understood.

jung hoseok

“How much sleep do you get nowadays?” Hoseok asked.

“I don't know.. seven to nine hours?”

“Forget that. You'll get four if you're really lucky, two on a normal day and none if you have comebacks. How much do you weigh right now?”

“Why are you asking me this?” your daughter clearly became uncomfortable.

“Because they will be asking you. They will want to know whether to put you on a diet or not because you are 'too fat' for this industry.”

You let out a frustrated sigh and cupped your daughter's face, “He's not sugarcoating it like I would have, but he's right. This industry isn't as beautiful as you think it is and your father has seen it up close, so he’s not just saying these things to scare you off,” you kissed her forehead, “I know that you're currently in a stage of your life where you don't know what step is the next to take and I know that it's scary not to know, but please do not make any rash decisions and sign any contracts. Think about this... carefully.”

She did... because you didn't raise her to be naive and stupid.

kim namjoon

“Do you know why we disbanded, sweetheart?” Namjoon's voice was gentle, his eyes on his other daughter picking flowers in the garden.

“You... never really went into details about that,” but she was instantly curious and straightened her back, crossing her legs on the bench that she was sitting on.

“At that time, we reached the peak of our careers. There truly was nowhere else to go, but people still expected us to go higher and reach for more stars. But we were exhausted. We were.. depressed,” Namjoon's eyes flickered to you, since you had been the one to pull him out of that dark place once, “What me and your uncles have accomplished will forever be something I will cherish, but it is not a life I would wish for you. The never ending diets, the never ending stress and expectations... it's... horrible.”

“But there's perks too, right? I mean, you had amazing fans.”

“We did. And then we also had the ones that stalked us. The ones that sent us creepy letters. The ones that threatened to hurt our loved ones,” finally, he turned his head to look at her, “You and your sister should not grow up in a world like this. I want you to be able to eat what you want to eat without someone telling you that it has too many calories. I want you to be able to sleep in on the weekends after a long week of hard work. I want you to be able to go on vacations with your friends without having to worry for your safety. Do you understand what I mean?”

She didn't respond right away, but ultimately she smiled a little and nodded, “I understand, daddy.”

And boy, did you both let out a relieved sigh.

park jimin

“No,” Park Jimin was not the kind of father to say no without giving a reason, especially because he hardly could say no to his first and only daughter, the apple of his eye. But when she asked him about her possibly getting into BigHit, he instantly shut her down.

“But..-” her eyes widened, her lower lip already beginning to tremble and you, being stuck in the middle, turned your head to Jimin with a small smile, “Can you check up on Seungmin? Tell him it's almost dinner time.”

Jimin knew that you handling this conversation would be better anyways, so he did end up walking outside to check up on his son, while you turned around to your daughter and grabbed her hands, “Your father had a great life. He had a wonderful career that he doesn't regret having, but the wonderful things that you see online and hear from fans and friends and family... it wasn't always like this.”

“What do you mean?”

“When your father made his debut, he ended up struggling... a lot. Not because he wasn't good at singing, or dancing.. but because he felt like his face was too chubby. He felt like his abs weren't good enough. He felt like his legs didn't look strong enough,” when she looked confused, you kept on talking, “He went on one diet after the other and went days without eating anything, just because he felt like he had to. Now, imagine him having been a woman. And I really hate saying this in a modern time as this, but the world isn't as lenient with us as it is with men, and your father knows it, sweetheart. If one fan were to ever mention that you're one gram too heavy, the company would take it to heart and put you on a diet. And not just a diet for a week, a diet for a month, maybe a year. Your father has experienced this first hand and he just doesn't want you to live a life such as this too,” especially because she had inherited his beautiful cheeks from him and so he was worried that she’d go through the same things just because of that wonderful detail.

She hadn't known about this, because if she had, she never would have brought it up.

And after that day, after thinking about what you had said once again and after actually looking up what you had said and confirming it all, she never brought it up ever again.

And Jimin was more than glad about that.

kim taehyung

You both should have assumed that this would happen at some point.

Not only because of who Taehyung is and used to be, but because of who your daughter was. Confident, breathtakingly beautiful and talented. Of course, she'd want to pursue a career in a field such as this one.

“Listen,” Taehyung brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, “You know your mother and I support you, no matter what you want to do, but this life that you're envisioning right now is not the life that you'll have.”

“He's right, sweetheart,” you sighed, “You are already struggling with keeping your life private, if you join BigHit, it'll get even worse. Then there's crazy fans, more so for you because of who your father used to be. And the diets.. the never ending diets..”

“I know you're worried and I can't blame you for it,” she grabbed her fathers hand and pulled it to her cheek, leaning against it, “But whatever happens, I know you two will have my back. That's why I want to do this, because I know that no matter what, I can always come back here and get my slice of normality and love.”

It... kind of made you really proud to hear that, even if it didn’t decrease your worries.

jeon jeongguk

BigHit had been trying to get Jeongguk to sign up your daughter ever since she was old enough to walk and talk, but he had always denied them.

Now, however, she was old enough to make her own decisions, and her saying yes, didn't come as a surprise to either of you.

“Don't you think there's a reason I kept telling them off?” Jeongguk was angry. Angry at BigHit, angry at his daughter and most importantly, angry at himself that he didn't put a stop to this once and for all, “Do you want to starve yourself for the rest of your life to be the perfect doll that they want you to be?”

But instead of yelling back, she actually listened to every little bad thing that he had to say.

Only when he let out a frustrated sigh and dropped down on the couch next to her, did she speak: “I know this isn't what either of you wanted for me and I'm sorry I'm worrying you like this, especially you dad, but this is my life and my decision.”

You decided to join in, your hand on your daughter's lower back, “It's not that we wouldn't support you, but this life is hard. We're just scared for you.”

“I know, mom,” but she was stubborn and so with one last glance at her father, she said: “I'm sorry, daddy, but it’s what I’m going to do,” and got up to go into her room.

All that Jeongguk could do now was keep BigHit in check. Every little thing they wanted to do to your daughter had to go through him.

She didn't know about this and he made sure that she never would... but it was the only way that Jeongguk would allow this to happen.

[suckmysupernatural]

Meal Plan

Word Count: 2k, one shot

Pairing: Jensen x Reader (Platonic-ish)

Warnings: talk of meal plan (obvi), eating disorder tendencies, vomitting, unhealthy relationship, body insecurity, manipulation

Summary: You are so happy to return to the set of Supernatural and film with your best friends, Jared and Jensen. You feel and look great, although your boyfriend Jeff begs to differ. Jensen soon finds out about the unhealthy ways you have been losing weight. 

A/N: Hey, y’all! This is my first Jensen fic, let me know what you think!! 

You couldn’t help that you had a bounce in your step as you made your way onto the lot. The hiatus was finally over, and it was time to start filming. You had been on Supernatural for a little over three seasons now, playing a badass hunter that had teamed up with the Winchesters. It was the job you had always dreamed about. 

Your first day on set, you knew that you were a part of something special. Right away the cast and crew welcomed you with open arms, especially your new co-stars. Jared and Jensen had become two of your best friends, ones you had missed a lot over the break. You lived in Austin like the boys, but your busy schedules always seemed to conflict. You had only one dinner with them over the summer at Jared’s house. Seeing Gen and the kids was a blast... if only you could do it more often. 

“Y/N!” a deep voice cried out. You spotted the boys almost immediately, jogging up to them. Jared wasted no time picking you up into a tight hug.

 “Jar… I can’t breathe,” you whined before he set you down. 

“Sorry, Y/N. It has just been forever since I’ve seen you!” Jared gushed. You turned over to Jensen, who hugged you as well. Luckily, this one wasn’t bone-crushing.

 “We missed you,” Jensen said, holding onto you. Backing up, you looked at your two friends.

“I know, I know. I was just so busy with Jeff…” both of the men rolled their eyes at the mention of your current boyfriend’s name. “Okay, I know you guys don’t love him, but we wanted to spend as much time together as possible before shooting started up again.”

“Saying we don’t love him is an understatement, Y/N. I don’t get what you see in him,” Jared said. Jared and Jensen had only met Jeff a few times, all of which only made them worry more.

“He cares about me. He takes really good care of me!” you tried to push your point but got nowhere. Both of the men didn’t seem to budge from their opinions. Changing the conversation, the three of you headed over to hair and makeup to get ready for the day.

 --------------------------

After a week of filming, you were exhausted. The days were all long, and you couldn’t wait to get home and sleep all weekend. Walking into your apartment, you made your way over to the freezer to grab some ice cream. You wanted some of your favorite feel-good food. Almost as soon as you had settled down, your phone began to ring. Jeff wanted to Facetime. Answering the call, you let a bright smile fall onto your face.

“Hey, baby!” you said as your boyfriend’s face popped onto the screen.

“Hey. How are you?” Jeff asked.

 “Tired. This week has been pretty brutal,” you responded as you began to dig into your ice cream.

“Are you sure you should be eating that?” Jeff asked, his head tilting to one side.

“What do you mean?” 

“Well… you did put on some weight this summer. I know that you were relaxing and all. But now that you are back at work, I thought you were gonna take better care of yourself. I’m just worried about you is all. I know that looking good for the camera is a big part of your job,” Jeff explained. You put the spoon back into the ice cream and pushed it away from you. “I didn’t say that to make you feel bad! I just care about you; I want you to be healthy and happy with the way you look on screen.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right. I have a scene this week where I wear a tight dress. Should’ve thought about it,” you mumbled. You had wondered if you gained weight, Jeff made it clear that you had.

 “It’s alright, sweetheart. That’s why you have me. I’ll be here to remind you when you need it. I fell for one hot piece of ass that I don’t intend to lose to Tom and Jerry anytime soon,” Jeff laughed. You nodded and attempted to laugh along.

“I guess I just have terrible eating habits now,” you shrugged.

“Well, why don’t I make you a meal plan? Then you won’t need to worry about that. It’ll make each day easier, let you focus on your job,” Jeff offered.

“Um… yeah, sure. That would be great,” you forced a smile. The two of you talked on the phone for a few more minutes before hanging up. You got off of the couch and tossed the ice cream into the trash. You wouldn’t be eating it. Going into your bedroom, you stripped down to your panties and bra before looking into the mirror. Jeff was right; you were looking bigger than usual. Laying on the floor, you began to do sit-ups and crunches until your core was on fire. Only then did you let yourself shower off the day and go to bed.

-------------------------------------------

Two weeks into Jeff’s meal plan and you were already looking better. Jeff had been praising you, telling you how hot you looked now. It was hard to keep up, the meals always leaving you wanting more. A few times you almost slipped up but managed to avoid it. Walking onto the set, you smiled and waved at your friends before approaching them.

“Hey, guys!” you smiled at Jared and Jensen. The two seemed glued at the hip.

“Hey. So, we were thinking about pizza and beer at my place tonight?” Jensen offered. This was a regular occurrence for the three of you, having done so since you started the role on the show.

“Oh, I’m actually on a diet. No pizza or beer for me,” you shrugged, “maybe we can have a movie night one day this week?” Both Jared and Jensen looked confused.

“Diet? Since when have you been on a diet?” Jared asked.

“For a few weeks now. I noticed that over the summer, I kinda let myself go. Jeff has been super helpful about it. He even made me a meal plan so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Isn’t that sweet?” you smiled.

“Let yourself go? Y/N, you look good! Like you always have,” Jensen’s voice was laced with frustration.

“It’s fine, J, you don’t need to try and make me feel better. The meal plan is working great. I mean, I look a lot better now,” you told them before leaving to go to your trailer. Jared and Jensen both gave each other a look. They were worried about you.

 --------------------------

A few days later, you were in line for craft services when you realized none of the options would go along with Jeff’s plan. You poured yourself some tomato soup and grabbed a grilled cheese before heading back to your trailer. Digging in, you knew that you would have to work out extra hard to make up for the calories. Pulling out your phone, you shot a text over to your boyfriend.

Y/N: Hey, babe. Craft services didn’t have anything that I could eat from the plan. Grabbed tomato soup and grilled cheese instead. Hope that’s okay.

Within a few minutes, you got your response.

Jeff: No, that’s not okay. Setbacks will only make things harder for you. You can’t let all those carbs and calories just sit in your stomach…

Y/N: Well, what am I supposed to do.

Jeff: You have to get rid of it. This is what happens when you go off your meal plan. Go to the bathroom and put your fingers down your throat. You don’t want fans to see you as fat, right? 

Looking at your phone, you took a few deep breaths. Your heart was racing as you looked up at your now empty plate. He was right. You didn’t want people to think of you as the fat actress. What if people spread rumors that you were pregnant? You knew what you had to do. 

Getting up, you made your way into the trailer’s small bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet bowl, you stuck your fingers down your throat.

 ----------------------------------------

Another week went by and you were messing up your meal plan left and right. At least now you knew what you could do to fix it. You had lost even more weight but knew that you still had a long way to go before you looked like the other actresses on set. 

Today was one of those days where craft services didn’t have anything that Jeff would deem appropriate, so you grabbed whatever you felt like. In your trailer, you ate until you were full before making your way to the bathroom. After being there for a few minutes, the door to your trailer swung open. Before you could do anything, there Jensen was, standing in the doorway of your bathroom.

“Y/N, are you oka - wait, what are you doing?” Jensen’s eyes widened in shock at the sight before him. You quickly got up, flushing the toilet, and wiping your mouth. 

“I think I have food poisoning or something. It made me puke, it’s no big deal,” you shrugged before trying to get passed him. He stood still, his broad shoulders keeping you from leaving.

“No, that’s not what happened. What I just saw was you with your fingers down your throat. Why would you do that?” Jensen’s voice was laced with pain. You looked down at the ground, unable to meet your best friend’s eye.

 “I needed to…” you whispered.

“What?”

 “I...um… I went off my diet,” you shrugged your shoulders, “I needed to fix it.”

“Y/N….” Jensen pulled you into a hug, not letting go. “You don’t need to do any of that. You are perfect just the way you are.”

“But Jeff…”

 “Jeff?” Jensen leaned back to look you in the eye, his hands on your shoulder, “did Jeff tell you that you need to lose weight?”

“He just wants what’s best for me! He wants me to look good. Jeff keeps me on track.”

“Wait… did he tell you to make yourself throw up,” Jensen asked. His eyes were full of worry and you couldn’t look at them without feeling shame. 

“He suggested it when I fucked up the first time… it wasn’t supposed to be more than once. I just kept messing up,” you could feel the tears start to gather in your eyes. Jensen pulled you into the hug again, one hand on the back of your head to stroke your hair. It didn’t take long before you were crying, Jensen holding you as you sobbed.

“Y/N, you are worth so much more than this. You deserve someone who treats you better, who loves you exactly as you are. You are beautiful, talented, smart. Please, believe me when I say that.”

“I want to J, I do. It’s just… I don’t,” you looked up to meet his gaze. Jensen used his thumbs to wipe the tears from your eyes and held your face.

“That’s okay, sweetheart. I’ll tell you every day until you do. Y/N… you need to leave Jeff. He is hurting you.”

“O-okay. You’re right. Can you stay with me while I call him?” you hoped that Jensen would say yes. It felt too hard to do on your own, after everything. 

“Sweetheart, I will always be there for you,” Jensen tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

That night you called Jeff, breaking things off. Before he even had the chance to insult you, Jensen was taking the phone from you. He told Jeff off before hanging up the phone and repeating all the kind words he had said earlier in the day. 

Jensen had told you the truth. Every day he made sure to remind you how amazing you were. He supported you through it all, helping you throughout your recovery. It wasn’t easy, undoing the damage that Jeff had done, but you weren’t in it alone.

[reb-but-fitter]

23/07/2021

I'm starting project moderation!!

I've been maintaining a healthy weight no problem, but I have been struggling to commit to a deficit.

I'd eat balanced or little the entire day, and then just 3/4 hours before bedtime I'd start snacking for around an hour. This is never because I feel limited, more of a "hey, I might as well" and of course it introduces a big ol' loop of reb maintaining the 10 excess kilos of fat

As mentioned I'm hoping to go visit family in a month (and I'll inevitably gain weight there as the cultural foods are nowhere to be found here and I absolutely have to DEVOUR everything), but before that I'd like to lose a kilo or two (very moderate/low weightloss, end goal 62kg) through actually portion controlling for a change!!

So far I've just been eating whatever, not counting at all. Won't be counting now either, but what I've previously done is I visually estimated calories in a meal (I'm mega good at this) and based my portion on that. Since I only eat stuff I like I often wanted small seconds (and thirds, which essentially resulted in 2 total portions every time I did this).

I was never hungry after the first portion. In fact I was perfect. I literally feel just the right amount of full, but for some reason a switch gets flicked when it comes to dinner- I cannot leave without being fully stuffed. I don't know where this came from, but I've been like this pretty much my entire life and it is BAD

Instead, I'm gonna aim to do the right thing and not exceed the *perfect* fullness (aka well satiated, but not heavy feeling), which will likely result in a few more snacks here and there, or just two big mealtimes instead of one (so say a large breakfast, no lunch and large dinner, instead of my current no breakfast, mini lunch, XL dinner, snaccs few hours before bed to maintain feeling of fullness).

I'll start filtering each portion and making sure the estimate is healthy (both calories and volume wise) and try avoiding seconds.

I've also been much more tempted by sugar lately as I'm unable to make my low carb icecream due to lack of freezer space, so I've bought full carb cheap vanilla instead. Darn the weather. I'm literally unable to sleep rn and typing this up BECAUSE it's so hot at 3am. When will this end??? Visiting family will be worse, they've been sitting on almost 40⁰C these past few weeks

But anyhow, with this I hope to avoid calorie counting and drop the weight off easy, as I never really get hungry and essentially only eat when hungry/after dinner to maintain the feeling of having eaten. This should easily bring my intake from 2.7k to around 1.7k a day, until my body adjusts, and then I'll likely end up eating around 2k a day while burning off 2.5-2.7k daily.

This does unfortunately mean that ill be eating only one chicken thigh a day 👀👀👀

That is not a happy way to live

Oh well, just means ill have to load up on the healthy sides :)))))))))) id much rather have more thighs or carb of choice aaaghhh

Portioning wings will also be a pain. What is satiating??? 5?? 6?? hELL ON EARTH, I ORDERED 20

Gonna get out there and explore new recipes too. I absolutely love everything I've been eating for the last 2 years, but there's so little variety (not that that's bad, because it's BEYOND delicious, would take it over ANY takeaway ANY day of the week). I've experimented previously and I make a meaner ramen than Waga's and my fried rice is on top of the world, but even those don't top my usual/normal recipes to make them worthwhile

Well, at least my cooking is healthy xd

Right, I'm literally typing away bc it's excruciatingly warm rather than bc I have more to offer, so uh I guess I'm gonna go back to trying to fall asleep

Wish me luck 😥

[nastybuckybarnes]

Distrust  -  Seven

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Reader

Summary: After Bucky gets ‘taken’ on a mission gone wrong, Steve blames you for it, casting you out. HYDRA takes advantage of your vulnerable state and is quick to capture you, the team knowing nothing of anything that’s happened.

Warnings: Fluff (Rare fluffy chapter),  Mentions of Eating Disorders

Word Count: 2K (She’s short)

A/n: I’m exhausted, Emotionally dead, and a little tipsy. Enjoy.

UNEDITED Series Masterlist

~*~

Your arms heal in a few weeks, and in those few weeks you become very comfortable in your new home with your new friends.

"So, what's on the menu today?" Amara asks while plopping next to you in the cafeteria. "I convinced Laurie to get Tacos for me with June. Want one?" You offer her a soft taco, watching as she eyes it skeptically.

"What's in it?" She asks, eyes flashing up to your face. "Meat, cheese, lettuce, sauce... other stuff. I don't remember." She scrunches up her nose then looks over her shoulder at Angie, the nurse who watches her like a hawk.

"I'm sure if you take a small bite she'll be a bit more relaxed around you," you whisper, taking another bite of the taco. She sighs deeply and takes the soft taco, slowly and hesitantly bringing it up to her lips.

She takes a tiny mouse-like bite, chews it almost thirty times, then swallows.

"I hate you so much," she groans, taking another bite of it. "I know. But I'll be here when... you know... you want to get rid of it." She nods, taking a third bite then setting the taco down.

"I don't think I'll be too upset over three bites. How've the nightmares been?" You look down and swallow the food in your mouth. "Bearable. I've been taking some stuff lately."

The first time you asked for sleeping pills was the best day of your new life. It was the first night in over two years that you slept for longer than five hours. Since then you've been on and off with them, using them on rougher days and sticking through the nightmares on better days.

"That's good. Pretty soon you'll be outta here." You laugh softly, shaking your head at her. "Let's keep in mind that I haven't even talked about my issues with anyone yet. Don't go and discharge me so quickly." She giggles and raises her hands up in surrender, her eyes flashing down to the taco.

"You think you don't want it but we both know you do," you whisper sadly, wishing she was better already. "I know. But it's... so hard. The entire taco is like, 350 calories. And it's tiny." You nod, looking at the taco in question. "And if you have a 500 calorie limit, hypothetically of course, then this is fine to eat. What if I eat some of it first, and you just have the rest?" She purses her lips then nods, accepting the terms.

You take two large bites of the soft taco then give her the rest, a small smile on your face as she eats it slowly.

~*~

"Checks. Oh! (Y/n) why are you still up? Would you like anything?" June asks, a worried frown on her face when she pops her head in the doorway. 

"I... I need..." She walks into the room and sits beside you on the daybed. "Someone to talk to?" You shrug then nod. 

"I... suggest calling one of your emergency contacts. I know you've given them little updates every week, but I think you should try talking to one of them in person." A weight settles on your chest as you think of calling one of them.

"But you certainly don't have to. Now, I'll be back around shortly. I hope you get some peaceful sleep tonight." With that, she stands up and walks out of your room, leaving the door open like always.

You pace around for a few minutes, fingers lost in your hair as you hyperventilate. Eventually, you give in and grab your phone, fingers trembling as you press on the familiar icon.

The phone rings a few times before connecting, a voice you haven't heard in weeks answering.

~

Bucky's reading a book in his room when his phone rings.

He's surprised, not having anyone who would call him at this time.

Well, he might have one person.

"Hello?"

There's a hesitation on the other line before the person speaks.

"Bucky? It's (Y/n)." Relief floods him. Although he's been checking in with the doctors and nurses regularly, hearing your voice makes him feel ten times better.

"(Y/n), hi. Are you okay?" 

Another pause before you reply, "yeah... um, no. I really don’t know. Can... can you come get me? I don't want to be trapped inside tonight. You can bring me back in the morning or whenever you get tired of me. And if you don't want to then-then that's fine too. I shouldn't have called. Sorry to wake you. Bye-" "No don't hang up! I'll be there in five minutes and then we can drive around all night. I'll call the nurses and tell them. I'll be right over, okay (Y/n)?" He hears you take a few breaths in.

"Okay. Thank you, Bucky." He smiles while pulling on a pair of pants, the phone tucked between his shoulder and ear. "Anytime, Doll."

You hang up the phone and pull a hoody on, leaving your sweats and slippers on as you wait for Bucky to come pick you up.

True to his word, he takes five minutes. When he walks into your room with two nurses trailing him, you feel a strange type of relief.

"Have her back no later than eight," June says, smiling at you proudly. "I will, ma'am." His rough voice makes you shiver in a way that you haven't in years.

"You ready to go, Doll?" You nod and stand up, following him out of your room and out of the clinic.

It's quiet for a few moments, almost awkwardly so, but when you leave the clinic and are outside under the stars, you forget about that.

"Thank you for coming to get me," you whisper after a moment, not looking at him as he opens the car door for you. "Anytime, Doll." You get into the car and put your seatbelt on, staring out the window as he gets in beside you.

The start of the drive is silent, you thinking about what to say while he notices the changes in your appearance.

Your eyes were the first things he noticed. They're more vibrant and alive than when he saw you last. The dark circles underneath them are less prominent and your skin has regained some of its natural glow. You've gained some healthy weight back and look more like yourself, and your voice is more gentle and less afraid.

"I'm so sorry. About... that day." Your voice pulls him from his thoughts and he glances over at you. "You scared me really bad for a little while there. But you pulled through. Just like I knew you would."

You smile slightly then look over at him.

"How's everyone doing?" He sighs heavily then shrugs. "Good. Everyone's good. We all miss you like crazy but... you're doing much better now. Which is all any of us really care about anyway." You look away. 

"Where do you wanna go now?" You shrug, "anywhere. I just... need a break from the clinic for tonight. I called you because... I need someone safe. Someone I can trust." He feels his heart swell at the fact that you chose him.

"Well, I think I know just the place. But you've gotta promise you won't tell anyone about it, okay?" You nod, sticking your pinky out towards him. "Pinky swear." He smiles and hooks his pinky around yours.

~

The secret place is an old baseball field in the middle of nowhere. It has an amazing view of the sky and is actually quite calming.

"Bucky... Can I ask you something?" You ask while walking around the grass, eyes on the stars.

"Anything."

"Do you think I should forgive Steve? Do you think that... integrating him into my life again is something I should work on?"

He's quiet for a few minutes, thinking about this thoroughly, then huffs out a big breath of air. "Honestly, seeing the progress you've made away from him, away from us... no. I think you should focus on you and nothing else. Steve's decisions landed you in this.... 'mess' and he has to live with what he's done. If that means he’s lost you for the rest of his life, then so be it." You nod and sit down on the grass, slowly laying back until you're looking straight up at the starry sky.

"At the clinic... I have a friend," you whisper, glancing over to where Bucky stands. He smiles at you and lies down beside you, looking up at the stars.

"What's her name?" He asks, looking over at you when you look back up to the stars.

"Her name is Amara. She's turning nineteen soon. She's got these beautiful brown eyes and this curly hair. But she's so so skinny Buck. She has an eating disorder, but she's getting better."

He nods and looks up at the stars again. "What's she like?" You smile as you think of your friend. 

"She's... tiny, for starters. Around five foot four. No more than eighty pounds at most. But Bucky she's got a heart of pure gold. She's sweet and kind and compassionate. And she didn't know me before everything happened. I'm not 'an Ex-Avenger' or 'a shell of who I was' to her. To her, I'm just... me. And I really like that." Bucky finds himself staring at you again, saddened slightly but happy that you have this friend.

"That's good. I'm glad you have someone like that." You look over at him and smile, feeling light and fluffy.

Slowly, so slowly you're not sure you're actually moving, you bring your hand to his, interlacing your fingers.

He's shocked by the sudden physical touch but decides against commenting. Instead, he squeezes your hand gently and looks up at the stars with you, telling you stories every now and then.  

~

“Can we go back to the car now, Bucky? I’m tired,” you whisper, eyes hardly opening as you push yourself to sit up.

“Of course. Do you want me to take you back to the clinic?” You look up at him as he stands up then shake your head. “No. I wanna stay with you. Don’t take me back yet.” He nods and pulls you to your feet, your hands staying clasped together.

You walk back to his car in silence, you almost falling over with exhaustion.

When you sit down, you can’t help but start shivering, the car cold from having been off for so long. 

“Here, you can use my jacket as a blanket for now.” He shakes off his leather jacket and drapes it over you, surrounding you in his almond and mahogany scent.

“Thank you.” He nods and starts the car, smiling over at you as you lean your seat back. “Bucky... can you come visit me more often? Tonight was good.” 

He starts driving, sparing a quick look down to where your hand is reaching for his. “Of course. Whenever you need or want me, I’ll come. I swear. You just call or text. Hell, email me if you want to. I might not be super good with technology, but if it’s from you I’ll figure out how to answer.” You chuckle softly and Bucky basks in the sound, having missed it after all this time.

You fall asleep in the car in no time, your hand in his as he drives around aimlessly, carefully avoiding potholes in the road so that you stay sleeping peacefully.

~*~

NEXT

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[saikokirakira]

Jeans

[Hoseok, Jimin, Reader ft. Yoongi]

Fluff, Slight angst, Implied smut, slight triggering themes; 2k+ words

(It’s my first BTS fanfic I posted. Please be gentle. Feel free to leave me some icky praise if you liked it.)

“What the hell?” I muttered as I stared at myself in the mirror. Thinking it was the bathroom steam fogging up the mirror, I grabbed my sweaty shirt that was heading for the laundry basket and wiped down the mirror.

As I feared, my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. I leaned closer to the mirror and poked my own cheek. “Shit,” I hissed to myself.

I gained weight.

Grumbling in frustration, I violently threw my shirt and pajamas to the laundry basket and marched out of the bathroom. I walked over to my wardrobe and grabbed a pair of underwear and a matching bra, sliding the former up my legs, before removing my bathrobe to clasp on the latter. My irritation towards my little gain only grew when I felt slightly constricted in my bra, having to exert more effort in breathing as well as seeing both lumps of flesh starting to spill over the cups.

Great. Everyone loves quadra-boobs. Not.

Knowing that I was just going to hang out with the boys and help out Suga at his studio, I grabbed the first pair of jeans I saw and began sliding them up my legs. Until… I had difficulties when the denim reached my knees. Furrowing my brows in confusion, I bent down and checked the label on the pants to check if they were my skinny jeans.

They weren’t.

It would have been easier to take them off and just choose another pair of pants or put on a dress. Namjoon has been trying to be discreet by showing me old photos, especially those when I was wearing a dress. However, I was no quitter.

If these jeans wanted to be skinny jeans, then damn it, they were going to be skinny jeans.

I began hopping around my bedroom, desperately trying to pull my jeans past my thighs. When I stubbed my toe on my vanity desk, I reached my boiling point and started tearing up when there was a knock on my bedroom door. “Just a second!” I called out, forgetting the tears and resuming on my task at hand.

“What is going on here?” The door opened, and Jimin with Hoseok trailing behind him entered. “Why are you doing jumping jacks half-naked?” Jimin asked, trying to keep his eyes trained on my face. Hoseok, on the other hand, was not being too discreet with his glances.

“Have you ever heard of knocking?” I tutted at them, still trying to pull up my pants. I didn’t bother with my torso exposed. It really wasn’t something they haven’t seen before.

“We did knock,” Hoseok shrugged. “You look like you need some help.”

“I’m. Fine,” I gritted out, giving my pants one final tug before finally succumbing to wearing a looser outfit. Unfortunately, my jeans started to rebel against the rough treatment I have been giving it the past fifteen minutes and decided to make a ripping sound, voicing its complaint.

That was the final straw.

I began crying and fell back to my bed. I grabbed an RJ plushie and covered my eyes, having the alpaca soak up my tears. I felt someone sit on both sides of my bed.

“Jagi, talk to us,” Jimin said, rubbing circles on my bare stomach. Luckily, I wasn’t the ticklish type.

“My jeans won’t fit,” I said through the plushie. I was still silently crying behind the alpaca.

“Then let’s get you some other jeans,” Hoseok suggested. I felt him hop off the bed and began pulling off the jeans off my legs with minimal effort before placing a kiss on my left leg.

My legs felt as if they could breathe again and slightly itchy. Peeking from the corner of the plushie, I saw Jimin rummaging through my wardrobe, looking for another set of jeans. I sighed, “What’s the point? The rest are skinny jeans. They definitely won’t fit me now.” I sat up in a flash and angrily threw the plushie across my room.

“Jagi,” Jimin said, startled by my sudden outburst. “Are you… worried about gaining weight?”

“What else could it be?” I huffed, sitting up. I pinched a piece of chub near my waist and pointed at it with my free hand. “Look at that!” I shrieked, glaring at the offensive body roll. “I have a photoshoot in a week. I’m going to get shit for this.”

“Look, it doesn’t matter,” Hoseok said in a comforting voice.

“’Doesn’t matter’? ‘Doesn’t matter’?!” I said, my voice rising. “Of course, it does! Those people out there will eat me alive if they knew I gained weight.” I turned my head to Jimin, knowing he had firsthand experience on the subject.

Jimin gave me nothing but silence, but his expression grew dark. I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed at me, at Hoseok, at people who will be looking at me after the photoshoot, or even at himself. I couldn’t even bring myself to care because I was already thinking of the numerous ways I should do to shed off the extra weight in a few days.

“[Y/n],” Hoseok began, laying off the pet name for the moment, “it really doesn’t matter. ARMY loves you for who you are, not for this.” He gestured to my body. “Jimin, say something.”

“Hobi-hyung is right,” Jimin said stiffly.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Spit it out. Whatever you want to say, say it. Lay it on me.”

Jimin sighed. “Hyung is right, okay? How you look will not compare what you do for BTS or for ARMY,” he said, “but I will not deny that you will get shit from this.”

“Jimin!” Hoseok exclaimed in warning.

“Don’t lie, hyung. It’s true, and you know it,” Jimin said. He sat on the bed to meet me eye-level. “But you should know whose comments should matter the most. Don’t let them dictate you on how you should look, okay? Just be healthy. Promise me.” He stared at me as he held my face, waiting for an answer.

Seeing the slight fear in Jimin’s eyes, tears began rolling down my face as I nodded. “I promise,” I whispered through my sobs. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, jagi.” Hoseok knelt in front of me, kissing my forehead. “Don’t be sorry. We all deal with body issues all the time. It’s alright.” He wiped off the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. “Stop crying,” he hushed, giving me one of his bright smiles that assured me that everything will be alright.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated but solely directed to Jimin this time.

Jimin shook his head. When I apologized again, he hushed me by kissing me. “There’s nothing to forgive,” he said before giving me one last peck.

“Really,” I said, insisting. “I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that, especially about body image. I’m sorry.”

Jimin paused before smiling warmly at me. “Again, there’s nothing to forgive, jagi.” He pulled me into his arms and gave me a reassuring squeeze.

“Besides,” Hoseok said as he sat beside me, slinging an arm on my shoulder, “if you really want to lose weight, you can always join me for dance practice.” Then he poked my nose. “But you’re definitely still eating, okay? No starving yourself.”

“No way, you crazy dance machine,” I stuck my tongue out at him. “I can never keep up with you and your intense moves. I would rather workout with Kookie.”

Jimin laughed at that.

“Ouch, that hurt me,” Hoseok playfully whined, rubbing his hand over his chest, but he looked mildly proud of my compliment about his dancing skills. “But if I’m being honest, I prefer you being more…” He trailed off and made curvy gestures in the air with his hands, making Jimin laugh harder.

I rolled my eyes. “Easy for you to say,” I pouted. “You already have the hips to seduce everybody.”

Hoseok chuckled and expressed his amusement by bumping said hips to mine.

“Besides, you don’t really need abs, jagi. I gave up on mine a long time ago,” Jimin said, wrapping his arm around my bare waist since my shoulders were already occupied. “Aren’t you still regaining the weight you lost from your last… relapse?” he asked, saying the last word more softly.

I shrugged nonchalantly, but deep inside, I was starting to be happy upon realizing that my weight gain was something I should be proud about. Keeping the light tone on the subject, I poked Jimin’s belly. “What do you mean you gave up? You definitely still have abs, you liar,” I laughed, continuing patting at his abdomen.

“Oh, he definitely still has them,” Hoseok grinned. He reached over and slyly pulled up Jimin’s shirt. “See?”

“Ah, hyung!” Jimin cried out, laughing. While Jimin was busy trying to retaliate by also pulling up Hoseok’s shirt, I bit my lip and snuck my hands under his shirt and pressed it flat on his stomach. Jimin jumped and fell back on the bed. “Your hands are freezing!” he whined as his abdomen tensed at my touch.

I blushed at the feel of Jimin’s abs under my palms.

“You should put a sweater on,” Jimin said worryingly, prying off my hands from his muscles.

“Why?” Hoseok smirked, reading my expression better than Jimin. “She’s ending up naked anyway.” His hands began rubbing on my shoulders, and I unconsciously moaned from the light massage. When I leaned my head back on his shoulder, his lips fell down on mine and immediately kissed me deeply, making me sigh into his mouth.

I felt Jimin’s hands run over my waist before climbing up on my bra strap behind me. With my lips still attached to Hoseok, I gave him a slight nod. Once my bra came off, I felt relieved over how I can breathe better, but I know it won’t last long, considering that these two boys will not let me catch a breath with their upcoming antics.

“This definitely is a fun way to burn calories,” Hoseok joked, and Jimin and I had to playfully kick him for that.

I meekly entered the Genius Lab and shyly greeted Yoongi before apologizing for being late. Yoongi merely gave me a smirk and continued working, putting back his headphones. He handed me the notes containing the lyrics he wanted me to review.

“So, did you have fun with Jimin?” Yoongi suddenly asked.

“What?” I gaped at him with widened eyes.

Yoongi spun his desk chair to face me. “That’s why you’re an hour and a half late, right?” he chuckled knowingly.

“H-how did… you—?”

“Jimin posted a selfie,” Yoongi shrugged, waving his phone. “Pretty normal to others, but I know firsthand what he looks like after sex.”

I choked on my spit. It was no surprise that Yoongi was intimate with Jimin too, but also as much with Hoseok. Everybody says that they don’t have any favorites, but everyone also knows that that’s just one big fat lie. Despite that, there wasn’t any doubt that we didn’t each other. We all are crazy for each other that there is literally no room for any doubt.

“How big is the damage?” Yoongi asked, glancing at my covered neck.

I chuckled, pulling off my scarf. “I managed to convince them not to mark me. Photoshoot coming up and all,” I said. “Jimin was the one who wasn’t happy about it.”

“’Them’?” Yoongi smirked. “Now you’re just showing off at this point, [y/n]-ah. I’m a bit hurt that you didn’t let me join in on the party.”

I blushed and looked down, fumbling with my fingers.

“Was it Taehyung?”

I shook my head. “It was Hobi-oppa,” I smiled shyly.

“Ahh,” Yoongi nodded thoughtfully. He left a really long pause before he spoke again. “You got seduced by those hips, didn’t you?” He then flashed me one of his trademark gummy smiles. “Don’t worry. I’m guilty as well.”

I laughed and took his smile as an invitation to sit on Yoongi’s lap. He immediately wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled my neck. “We should eat out,” I suggested. “Does grilled meat sound good?”

“You really know how to seduce me as well,” Yoongi tutted his lips at me. “Using meat to get into my pants, you naughty girl.”

[elliebanelie]

May 5, 2019 Rowing is a REALLY REALLY big part of my life. I do not know where I would be without rowing. My rowing career started freshman year of high school; my parents told me that I had to play a sport in high school, to help me meet more kids that I didn’t get to know in middle school. It would also get me out of the house and active. Before middle school I jumped around to different sports, first soccer, then softball. After not excelling in either- I tried swimming for a short time. The one constant sport in my life had been alpine skiing. I barely call that cardio though. Unless you are doing some hard cross training or racing, it is just a fun (sometimes cold) weekend activity where you eat more calories than you burn in waffles (shout out to waffle cabin), hot chocolate, and french fries. In middle school I would also binge eat- I could eat a whole bag of pop chips in one sitting. Once I started rowing- I lost weight and stopped mindlessly eating after school. My grades also took a turn for the better. My freshman year I got all A’s (the slowly got worse through the years as my senioritis set in). I did not end up rowing for my high school but a club team a few towns over. I met my best friends and kids from other schools. When I first joined the team it was really bad. We would come in dead last every race. But slowly as a team we got better excelling. Durning my junior year our erg scores dropped and a change of coaching happened. Our new coach was the best thing that happened for the program. He encouraged us, was patient and had a lot of wisdom and insight. He believed in everyone. I broke 8minutes on my 2k with him and by the end of my senior year I was 7:30. He and the president of my club encouraged us to row in college. So here I am today at the end of my freshman year rowing and loving college and life.

[she-sees-bones-beneath-her-skin]

Ok so honestly how do people manage to exercise when fasting/restricting???

Like I’ve never been good with working out, before I started restricting I had started the couch to 2k running programme and while I was managing it, it was a huge struggle. Now that I’m 20 hours into a fast, just walking around the supermarket was making me feel dizzy and carrying the bags of shopping into the house was such a struggle.

Like I feel so weak, and I don’t know why.

Other people seem to manage 24+ hour fasts and still burn off like 100s of calories. Even on a restricting day when I still let myself have 300-600 I feel like I’m dying after 40 sit ups.

Even though I’ve managed not to eat much I still feel like such a failure because I can’t manage to burn anything off.

[weightloss-before-and-after]

Well y’all, it happened. I gained back 20 pounds. My highest weight was 286, and my lowest weight was 222 in June of 2017. It is currently December of 2017, and I am 243. A 21 pound gain over a 6 month period of laziness, snacking, over-eating, and nightly desserts. I know where it all started from, too. I was doing really well, and had an almost 400 day streak on myfitnesspal with tracking. Then I went on a camping trip, lost cell service, and didn’t log in for one measly day. Breaking my streak totally threw me for a loop, and I no longer felt compelled to track. And now here I sit at 243. Although this is nowhere near my highest weight, I still feel like I’ve failed. I hate the feeling of sliding backwards. 

On a more positive note, I’ve tracked my food consistently on myfitnesspal for the past three days, and last night I went to the gym. I hope to start going to the gym again at least four times a week, and staying under my calorie goal every day. 

It’s so hard to lose weight when my TDEE is 1490. It feels like I’m starving myself. Most people need to eat a 2,000 calorie diet to maintain their weight. Well, I’m 100 pounds more than most people, and eating 2k calories a day has caused me to shoot up in weight. Life, body chemistry, and metabolism just aren’t fair. 

Anyway this is my vent post. I could really use some support from my amazing followers. Thanks y’all, hope you are doing great on your healthy journey! 

[theboardwalkbody]

i dont like counting calories because it feels too much like policing myself and i know that so long as i eat three normal portioned meals a day, avoid takeout/fast food/fried garbage, and only have one or two snacks that i wont go above 1200 calories.

but sometimes its important like that time that i was actually loosing weight and doing well and then flat out stopped loosing weight for TWO FUCKING MONTHS and i couldnt figure out why until i realized that (due to the nature of my living situation forcing me to do extra work i didnt want to do and having to literally cut down entire trees, split them, and carry 9 trees worth of logs across a yard for nearly 9hrs in the fucking summer) i was burning some 2k calories a day (and i say estimate because it was based off a person much thinner than i was at the time) and it wasn’t until i started counting calories that i realized i was only eating around 800cal a day. So my body - using 1k to function and needing an additional 2k to balance the energy used (meaning i would not have gained or lost) was fucking DYING on only 800cal. (In this situation I should have taken in at least probably 2000kcal. my body would use 1000 of it naturally and the other 1000 for the work out leaving a deficit of 1000 burned through the day. then 3.5k = 1lb so after 3.5 days i’d be down 1lb and after a week i’d be down 2. WHICH IS WHAT I WAS DOING BEFORE THE TREES. And also before I subbed my standard lunch for a small bowl of cereal which is why my calories were so low. 

also this is before my nursing nutrition course where i learned that you shouldnt eat less than 1200kcal a day (women - men is slightly higher). and that the combination of not eating enough + burning too much is what fucked me.

but anyway -

i decided to see how i did today.

 breakfast ~210 lunch ~ 460 dinner ~ 210 (i had  the same thing for dinner and breakfast shh)  snacks + cup of soda ~ 340

total: 1220 which is 20 above target but that’s okay because those are easily cut out (i have run out of my kitkats lol and i should really stop drinking soda). 

i’m glad that my heaviest meal was lunch tho - because there’s more time to burn it off VS if it was dinner. 

so it’s good to see that i’m on track. 

now the real issue.... ~none of it matters if i sit on my ass~ 

ugh

[fitocracy]

Increasing metabolism?

Coach Chuck  posting with us today to drop some knowledge on the topic of metabolism.

The question “how to increase one’s metabolism” came up in the context of a discussion with someone who felt that their calorie goal was far too low to consistently lose weight.  That’s something that that many people (me included) often face. It’s more of an issue for women and shorter men, and unfortunately, shorter women have the worst of it. And it sucks. If you work a desk job and don’t get in much activity during the day, you may need to hit a calorie goal as low as bodyweight x 8. Having faced this myself, I know how badly that sucks. It’s terrible and it feels like suffering, and because of that, it’s not sustainable. Heck, I’ve seen cases where someone needs to go even lower, toward 6-7 x bodyweight. Please never do that on your own without guidance from a professional. So….what do we do about that?

Measuring your metabolism

If you were curious about your metabolism and wanted to get an idea of your calorie needs per day, there are lots of ways to do this. You can use a calculator that’s based on statistics and formulas (for example, https://tdeecalculator.net/ ), but like most statistic derived formulas, they are only estimations and of specious accuracy. If you wanted to get a more accurate measure there are some medical tests that you can have done. These aren’t without cost unless your healthcare covers them. Things like DEXA, a Bod Pod or an RMR breath test. I had both a Bod Pod and RMR test in August 2016. Below are my results. What this showed me was that if I just sat at my desk job all day, and didn’t move around often, that even with ~3 days of lifting weights per week, my maintenance calories were around 2100. As you may know, I don’t swear on the blog often, but holy shit that’s low for someone that’s 6ft 2in and usually around 220lbs. So if I want to lose weight, that means I have to choose between increasing my metabolism or eating at a super low-calorie amount.

Increasing Your Metabolism

Things you can’t control

When it comes to your metabolism, there are some factors that are simply beyond your control and the only thing that you can change in regard to them is your perception.

These uncontrollable factors are your genetics, your biological sex, your age, and your height. All of these matter for your metabolism.

Metabolism differences can be simplified as spendthrift vs thrifty. When we see someone that can eat whatever they like, are at what appears to us as a healthy body composition, and not gain weight, this seems unfair to us. But it’s possible that this person is genetically different in that when they take in extra calories, their body burns them off and/or changes their appetite in response. So if they go and grab a burger and fries for lunch, they are going to be fidgeting, bouncing around, and feeling warmer. They are burning those calories off rapidly. And they may only have a smaller meal later in the day…and thus maintaining calorie balance.

For me (and I’m guessing you, if you are reading this), if I went to 5 Guys (or whatever local burger place you have) for a burger and fries, I’d feel sluggish all afternoon, not want to move, and then still eat my normal sized dinner….and then be out of calorie balance.

Yeah, that’s not fair, is it? But comparison is the thief of joy. It wasn’t until I accepted this fact…that it IS unfair, that I was able to refocus my energy on the things that I *COULD* change.

Things you can control

OK, so you’ve accepted that there are things that you can’t control and that your time and energy are better spent on the things that you can control. Good for you!

Those things that contribute to your metabolism, that are within your control, are things like the amount of muscle that you have, the amount of body fat that you have, your diet and food choices, your stress and how you deal with it, your exercise activity levels, and lastly, your non-exercise activity levels.

Muscle/Fat Amounts

As far as amounts of muscle and body fat, both muscle and fat tissues require energy. You’ll see crazy claims from quacks on talk shows stating that muscle burns 50 times more calories than fat! Or crap like fat doesn’t burn calories! Wrong wrong wrong.

Muscle’s metabolic rate per day is about 6 calories per pound per day, fat is about 2 calories per pound per day. Brain tissue burns 109 calories per pound per day. So work on reducing your body fat, increasing your muscle mass, and getting a bigger brain.

( Reference: http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/research-review/dissecting-the-energy-needs-of-the-body-research-review.html/ )

Diet and Food Choices

One aspect that is most likely overlooked when weight loss is simplified to “eat less, move more” is the importance of your diet’s structure and your food choices.

Food choices matter because foods are processed differently by the body, specifically what the “cost” of digestion is. For example, with calories being equal in both cases, if you eat a higher protein diet, your calories burned side of the equation would be higher compared to eating the standard American diet.

Prioritizing whole foods with lots of lean protein sources, vegetables and fruits will help this aspect tremendously.

Secondly, when your calories get *too* low, your body may lower your non-exercise activity (more on that below).

It may be necessary to take scheduled diet breaks, and there are a few ways to do this. You could spend X number of weeks in a calorie deficit, and then take a 1-2 week break at “maintenance calories” to allow your hormones to normalize (as being in a calorie deficit for too long can throw things out of whack). I put X in there, as it really depends on the amount of fat you carry. The higher your body fat%, the longer you can go without a break.

You can also have higher calorie days around your strenuous workouts, and lower calorie days around your rest days. I’ve tried this before but it’s honestly a hassle to me, and I prefer to make things as easy as possible.

Stress Management

We often have this notion of what stress means, but it’s basically everything, both internal and external forces that act on us. Eating at a calorie deficit is a stress. Exercise is a stress (stress can be positive too). Watching the news is a stress. Too much caffeine is a stress, too much sugar is a stress. Even things we might not think of, like noise pollution, artificial light.

So what can we do to manage our stress?

Check out the free trial of the app Headspace. It’s an easy way to get into meditation as a stress relief tool.

Try to reduce some of the stressors when you can, so getting out of artificial light, cutting back on caffeine and sugar where possible.

Spend some time outside, in nature. Or at least get some sunshine.

Try some breathing techniques. Here’s a simple one. Push your tongue to the roof of your mouth really hard and hold it there. Close your eyes. Focus on that, and take big deep breaths. Do that for 10 seconds.

If possible, break your work down into 25-minute chunks, followed by a short break. Use a timer or timer app. This is called the Pomodoro Technique.

Bookend your day with rituals. By starting and ending your day the same way, every single day, no exceptions, you bring a sense of order to your life.

Lastly, and most importantly (in my opinion): physical contact with another person or a pet. Hugs, not drugs, mmkay?

Exercise and Nonexercise Activity

Before I get into the details here, I want to caution you to not view exercise as a way to burn calories. Instead, I’d ask that you try to view exercise with the lens of how it positively adds to your life: it makes you feel better, helps you relieve stress, makes you stronger, makes you look better nekkid, etc.

So with that said, exercise here means anything that you schedule like weight lifting, running, sports, etc. Anything that estimates your calories burned likely way overestimates calories burned, so much so that I don’t recommend you adjust your weight loss calorie goals based on exercise.

For weight loss, 2 weights/resistance workouts and taking a brisk walk of 20-30 mins after a meal is a great place to get started. But don’t view it as burning calories, look for what it positively adds to your life.

The other side of the coin is NEAT or nonexercise active thermogenesis. This is a fancy-pants way of saying moving your body around that isn’t the aforementioned scheduled exercise. That’s it. That means walking around from place to place, tapping your feet, fidgeting, etc.

I like using a FitBit for this, not because 10,000 steps is some laudable goal, but because when I don’t actively make myself get up and move around, it shows me that I barely move 2000 steps due to being at a computer for my livelihood so many hours per day.

To increase your NEAT, some things you can try are:

If possible, switch to a desk that does standing and sitting, not just standing OR sitting.

Take an active break every 30 minutes, meaning just walk around, get something to drink, use the bathroom, etc.

Take a walk after meals. If you can’t do that after every meal, make it a point to take a 15-minute walk after at least *one* meal.

Any time you make a phone call, walk around, don’t stay seated. Worst case scenario, at least stand up. Take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Park farther away in the parking lot.

One last thing to mention in regard to NEAT, watch out for cases where you have a particularly grueling schedule exercise session, and that you feel so beat up afterward that you just want to lay around. This can negatively impact your ability and desire to be as active as you would normally be.

Chuck’s Example and Bite-Sized Tips

OK so to wrap this up, I’d like to provide my own example of how I am dealing with my low resting metabolic rate. Like I mentioned earlier, if I don’t pay attention to how much I’m moving around, I will barely crack 2k steps. That’s horrible. So using the suggestions I gave above, I aim for 8-10k steps. I do some form of scheduled exercise 7 days a week, but a few of those days are active rest like dynamic stretching and yoga so it barely accounts for 15 minutes of my time.

Because my FitBit reminds, I get up and move at least 250 steps every hour or more. I take phone calls standing/pacing, I never sit unless it’s required.

Those were all changes that were not easy but were much easier than the difficulty in lower calories below what I was comfortable doing. If I were to go back to being an active couch potato (meaning I had 3 hours of weightlifting a week…and nothing else), then losing weight for me would mean a really low-calorie goal. No thank you.

As a result of these changes, I’d estimate my maintenance calories much closer to ~2800, which is lots more manageable.

For your own changes, look for the things that would be the easiest to change first, and let those small changes add up over time!

( If you’d like to train with Chuck or if you have more questions, his latest coaching group, Extreme Fat Loss , is starting up soon.)

[sumergosuigeneris]

June 30, 2019

Yesterday was a busy, exhausting day. But I feel good about it. Mostly.

Friday night, around 2am, there were fire trucks etc all over my building. At first I thought it was a car crash, because those happen here all the time. But I got curious and looked out the window and couldn’t see any car. Plus, then I started hearing things in the hall. Made me wonder if they were all up in our building. But no alarms were off. So then I started wondering if there was something wrong with the alarm (not likely) or that it was something that they might evacuate certain floors rather than the whole building. I mean, I did keep hearing things in the hall. I actually got in some clothes and prepared for me and the cat to go. Nothing. I had stayed inside b/c I didn’t want to get in the way, but finally the tension/curiousity got the best of me. Didn’t see anyone, didn’t want to go in the stairwell in case I’d be in the way. Ended up having a conversation with another lady who opened her door. Came back into my apartment, and they’d all left. That whole situation was about an hour. But I couldn’t sleep for a couple hours after that.

So, I slept in yesterday morning. Decided to go out for a healthy-ish breakfast. Went to eye hop. Disappointing. What I got served was a lazy man’s edition of what was in the menu. And, while I thought I was doing good with 650 calories, it turns out that’s a shit ton of points! Made me do some thinking. They say the average American diet is 2k calories a day. I forget sometimes that that should be 1600 cal for women. And that average doesn’t mean healthy either (since I’m confident I eat over the average). So, anyway thinking 2000/3 meals is 650-ish, I’m doing well. But really, after all my thinking, I’m thinking if I’m going to eye ball, a healthy meal is probably around 350 calories. Because depending on what those 350 are, they’re more or less points.

Then I went and played racquetball. I was hot as hell and had no water, so I only played about 40 minutes. Went to get coffee, and one of my barista people gave me a free one. While we were talking, I found out her sister had died in March or April. Her mother had died only a few months before, so she was pretty messed up. I wish I’d known, but I wasn’t going there very often, and when we were both there, she was always super busy. On my way from that bucks, I stopped at the community center and signed up for a lap swim membership! And I finally stopped at that gay bar that’s in my neck of the woods. They were open, and it’s really nice inside. I’m gonna go. Eventually. Thought about going last night for a drag show but didn’t. It means a lot to me about that place, because I live in a primarily black area, and the queer community has a tougher time when it intersects with the black community, so this bar, being there for decades? was really an oasis for black queer people at an even more intolerant time than we live in today. I got a little misty-eyed thinking about it. Came home and tried to nap. Didn’t.

Decided I needed to figure out some other things to be productive, b/c I needed to go out again to another bucks to get my 3 days in a row deal. Decided to get a bit of shopping done and maybe treat myself to a pedicure. My feet are always tore up and I think of a pedi but never do b/c they’re expensive. And I’ve talked about it for about 2 years now lol. So, I did that. I think it’s been over 10 years since I’ve had one, and I’ve only had a handful over my life. I’m so grateful that there was a really nice younger woman sitting next to me. She had to translate and give me remedial pedicure lessons, so I could make my choices. I let her pick out my nail polish. It’s a really nice shade of peach-ish/hot pink. Not too wild, and not too conservative. The girl said my feet were in great condition considering I hadn’t had a pedicure in a decade. That’s something I guess? I got a bit of a massage from the chair which was a bonus, and finally did some reading in a book I’ve started a few times.

Then I went to wall smart. Usually, I have a bit of a running list in my head of what I need/ want when I get paid. But this time, I really had to think. I got a bunch of stuff that are always on the bottom of my list, but forgot the one thing I decided to treat myself to - sheet corner fasteners. Oh well. Next month perhaps.

One thing on the list was to check for some shorts and/or tank tops so I can try to get some more color. Dude. I asked a couple of ladies (one was on the dressing rooms, the other may work there but wasn’t on the clock if she does) their opinion on one thing, which turned into them helping me with half my options. Which turned into me trying on, for the first time in my life, leggings. And they didn’t look bad on me! At least compared to a couple other things I tried on lol. So yeah, I bought leggings. It’s crazy. And, I found a tank-ish shirt style I liked, and got it in a size smaller than I expected! And they were really nice and telling me I need to be more confident in my body. And anyway, one of them asked to exchange numbers with me and said we were gonna be friends. We’ll see. But it’s always nice. I can’t help wondering if she felt sorry for my lack of confidence in the clothes thing; if she wants to like ‘mentor’ me. But she was super nice and I’ll take it!

I picked up some church is chicken (eh). Watched some little lies big (which I’d binged Friday night by accident), and went to bed. Oh also, I deleted the phone game I’ve been addicted to the last few weeks. It’s pointless, if I think about it. There’s no ‘end’. Nothing to win. Just endless achievements combined with endlessly increasing hardness. I’m kind of proud of myself.

Now today the question is how productive I’ll be. I need to apply for some jobs. Check out the status of that work transport thing. I really want to do some cleaning. I’d like to do racquetball 2 days in a row. And maybe get my swim on. Might need to return some of those clothes too - with the other stuff I got, like cat food and window wiper fluid, I spent $169.69! I did find a pair of $7 shoes that I like despite the fact that I’m surprised I like them. No open-toed sandals though lol.

Hmm. i’m looking at my feet and she didn’t take all the callous buildup off. I’m surprised bc she used what looked like a damn cheese grater, plus a pumice stone type thingy. And a scrub. But I guess it’s probably a good thing. Technically, that stuff is a bit of protection.

[caloriesproper]

Good idea? Bad idea? … a bit of a rant Some gurus swear by the “only eat when hungry” mantra. I’m neutral on the issue. In my opinion, it can work for people who are good planners because if you wait until you’re hungry and haven’t planned or prepared a meal yet, then it might be a while until you finally get to eat. Maybe you’re an hour from home: unlucky => by the time you start cooking, you’re famished and end up overeating. So you try to repent by skipping breakfast the following morning but fall into the same trap. Of course, however, it’s not gonna be like this for everyone. On the other hand, I used to advocate a small meal before you go to a buffet or food party so you’re not famished and thus are less likely to overeat. This also applies to the 3-square-meals-a-day people: sometimes they’re hungry when they eat; other times they’re not but eat anyway. I don’t think it’s a big deal either way. Ymmv. #context Not to make this all about calories, but it relates to IF/CICO: intermittent fasting has an automatic built-in refeed. Theoretical scenario: if maintenance calories are 2k and you don’t eat for 2 days, best case scenario, the next four days are going to be 3k cals. Worst case scenario, the next day is a six thousand calorie day. Or maybe it’s the other way around; in either case, it’s a lot of food and calories. Fasting 2 days is stressful, and now you’re gonna top it off with metabolic mayhem? = more stress. If you believe intermittent fasting is healthy, does the binge refeed cancel out the benefits? Or make it worse because it’s a stressor followed by another stressor. I have a lot of problems with the breakfast skipping dinner only meal pattern, but besides the intrinsic circadian arrhythmia, this is the IF/refeed on a smaller scale. 2000 kcals in one sitting is a lot of food and calories. This can’t be good for your organs. Nutrient overload. ER stress. I’m not pro-grazing either. “Give your organs a break” which is part of why I tend to think the ‘3-squares-a-day’ paradigm is a good one. Also, because it’s good for protein frequency — the more frequently you eat protein, the lower your protein requirements — easier to maintain lean mass. Some [moderately eating disordered] people say breakfast in the morning sets them on a feeding frenzy all day. How do you have access to so much food all day? What is your profession? Do you have any hobbies? Or do you just carry a large container of nuts (or something) around with you everywhere? I don’t mean to be condescending, honestly curious about this. Also, basically think skipping breakfast is strictly a CICO thing, not a “biohack.” Lastly, LC is not the same thing as fasting. A shitty processed food-rich diet isn’t the opposite of fasting. LCHF is not the same as LCHP. #context In a recent twitter discussion, someone made a comment about physical performance in starved vs. fed state and someone else came back with “NO, you don’t need carbs to perform!” and cited FASTER and the [ketogenic] elite artistic gymnasts. This is goalpost shifting: 1) neither of these studies refute the original statement; 2) the control groups were fed in both studies; 3) gymnasts were LCHP not LCHF; and 4) LC is not the same as fasting! We didn’t evolve to intermittently fast; we evolved to not die during brief periods of famine. “Not dying” is far from optimal! #context :::end rant::: calories proper

Eating in the absence of hunger | The poor, misunderstood calorie