#asexuals are valid and welcome here

[beautifuldead]

i was in early high school when I first denoted myself as asexual. while I had not experienced sex, I knew I was fairly eh about it; I didn't experience that form of desire towards people. Even if it was an experience I wanted to have, it was never anything about any particular person, but rather just wanting to experience something in general.

The landscape of tumblr at this time was rather ace positive. Asexuality was a well-known label, and a celebrated aspect of queerness. There were light-hearted jokes about the LGBTQ+ community about swingsets (straight people swing one way, gays swing another, bi swing both direction, pan swing violently everywhere, and ace people don't swing at all) that always made me smile.

And then everything collapsed, and the idea that "ace people aren't queer because they don't experience the same oppression" became uncomfortably loud. Everyone had a take, and a lot of people started to en masse make fun of and exclude ace people.

The basis, whether openly or not, was the idea of being "straight passing", that we could be perceived by heteronormative society as compliant and participant, when in fact we are not.

I cannot stress enough that I was there, and I remember it all. I had to delete my previous tumblr account entirely because I made a post supporting asexuality and celebrating it, and I got a wave of hate—to the point that when I changed my URL, someone made a new blog with my previous one to make fun of me.

I remember losing friends because of this phenomenon. I had people I trusted, appreciated, relied on, and that trust was broken because they believed I was undeserving of community with other queer people because, from their perspective, I wasn't oppressed the same way.

It doesn't matter that we were mistreated in ways that were largely similar to other homosexual people, through peer pressure and people trying to "make us straight" or seeing our asexuality as a challenge the same way they might see a lesbian as fixable. It doesn't matter that many asexuals had their committed romantic relationships fall apart because they couldn't please their partners. It doesn't matter that many people still joke about asexuals being plants as a means to demean us.

Because even if none of that actual mistreatment and disrespect happened, asexuals were oppressed by our own fucking community. We were mistreated, disrespected, attacked, and silenced by our queer peers simply because we didn't fuck.

Exclusionists believed we weren't queer enough because we weren't oppressed for being asexuality, so they oppressed us themselves and forced so many of us back into the closet.

It's an impressive level of hypocrisy, that we are mistreated by those who should stand in solidarity with us because they don't get it. Because they think it's weird, or it's a phase, or it's not having found the right person, exactly how they claim to have been mistreated. These people used us as a punching bag to reflect their own grief and trauma upon, to feel big and strong where the rest of the world made them feel small.

And instead, we could have stood together.

Our community online cannibalized itself from the inside out for some twisted game of pain olympics, providing value to only those they deemed worthy, reflecting the way our community as a whole had been treated for decades.

I want to make clear that this happened because of people that decided they needed to be valued on the terms of heteronormative society. This happened because of a need for external validation and acceptance from the people that hate us. I said it years ago, and I'll say it again:

The people who hate us don't care if we're gay, bi, pan, ace, or something else. They care that we're different from them, and they will hate us indiscriminately.

It's this ideology that fed into biphobia, panphobia, truscum/transmedicalism, and eventually terfism. It's this ideology that we have to conform in our nonconformity that has caused this rift.

This community has spent the better part of a decade cannibalizing itself, severing itself, dividing itself, and making it all the more simple for our oppressors to devour us.

Because we're not queer unless we experience same sex attraction. Because we're not queer if we experience opposite sex attraction. Because we're not trans unless we conform to heteronormative gender stereotypes. Because we're not trans at all.

And the last step is that we're not queer at all. Because we were divided and conquered by ourselves.

I will not mince words: this will not happen again. I will not be traumatized back into the closet again. I will not watch as a community built from the ground up for the express purpose of solidarity and supporting the divergent is torn apart by the very people that it exists to support.

Within the last couple years, I determined I am aromantic as well. But because of this experience, despite my perceived solidity in ace/aro validity, I wasn't sure if I should come out, or if I was correct. I hesitated, closeted by those masquerading as a part of my community, made to question in the back of my mind that my feelings were incorrect, a phase, a problem.

Even if I were to be aromantic and not asexual, or asexual and not aromantic, I am still queer.

And now history repeats itself, and a new wave of self-proclaimed judges of queer validity try to take this away from us, and a new wave of asexuals and aromantics are at risk of feeling this same struggle.

It is with no respect, and seething rage, that I say this: anyone who repeats the past is not welcome here. Anyone who seeks to divide our community again is not welcome here.

If you come here to this website to spew hatred and vile at the members of your own community, you are not welcome on this website. You will not repeat the past without consequence again.

If you believe in any such way that queerness requires some amount of conformity beyond not being cishet, you are not welcome here.

In short, and with absolute hatred:

Aphobes, get the fuck off my website. We will not do this again.

[aromantic-diaries]

Sorry not sorry but if you don't support aroallos you don't really support aros whatsoever

[drchucktingle]

'whats your hogborts house?' is played the heck out. what is your TINGLE TYPE? there are four kinds of tinglers and all of them welcome trans, gay, lesbian, asexual, non-binary, bisexual, gender fluid and every other bud because your love is real and valid

TAKE THE QUIZ HERE

[jealousmartini]

Boundaries and stuff?? Girl Idk

So today is my fake 18th🙄 because even though I turned 18 today, my birthday is on the 20th in my better cr so uh. Don't feel shy to wish me a happy fake/early 18th guys👉🏾👈🏾

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

This blog is safe for people who openly (and thw ones who secretly) shift for sex. I see you, I feel you, and I AM one of you gang. Go get that foursome girl. I'll probably post some sex-safe things to put into your script just for you guys.

This blogger is a bisexual she/her girly girl and welcomes lgbtq+ shifters and loa practitioners, female, male, non binary, and trans people who want to experience love freely and be accepted for who they are. This goes for the asexual spectrum, too.

This blog is safe and supports manifesters/shifters who change their age to fit their desired realities. You are not a pedo for wanting to experience young love again and you are not a weirdo for wanting to take back your childhood that this reality stole from you at the age of 3.

This blog supports Palestine and is manifesting the end of the genocide as well as the rebuild of the beautiful country.

This blogger has a mutual age limit of 16 and upwards. Minors younger than 16 are allowed to interact through asks and stuff like that as well as follow this blog, but dms and asking to be moots are a no-no (if you are already mutuals with me and just so happen to be younger than 16, this doesn't apply to you)

This blog is safe for people who want to experience life as animals. Girl literally me too?? Tf??

This blog is safe for people who shift as different races, and also who don't necessarily agree with this. Both have their own reasons that are valid in themselves, but I don't want to see debate wars going on.

This blog is safe and welcomes permashifters and respawners. You guys are so real for dipping this reality, and I'm manifesting you find your way out of here as quickly and as swiftly as possible

This blog understands if you have to kill in your dr like monsters, zombies, pedos.. fuck em up bae.

Bonus!! :: This blog HIGHLY ENCOURAGES KPOP AND ANIME SHIFTERS TO FOLLOW THEM🙏🏾 PLEASE HIT ME UPPPP😫

This blogger also lowkey fucks with shifters/loa babes who want to manifest their desired realities to freely use unique neo-pronouns. LIKE FYM you've got a futuristic cyber themed magical girl dr where you are a cunty cyborg babe with technical powers and your neopronouns are pixie/pixel self?? HELLO??

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

[dduane]

At Ebooks Direct: our LGBTQ Pride Bundle's still 50% off!

Caution! These works contain: homosexuals, bisexuals, lesbians, pansexuals, asexuals, polyamorous folks, genderfluid humans and nonhumans, and two (or maybe three) varieties of queer magic-users, as well as gay science-users, wizards, and Dragons.

And they’ve all been there since 1979.

Welcome to one universe where whom you love and how your genders intersect is between you, your lover(s), and the Goddess. And another where wizards come in so many species and sexualities that getting sniffy about something as wildly variable as local sex and gender may well be seen as kind of provincial… when you’re just one more of a million kinds of humanity, and the serious question is: “Never mind the tentacles—do you think we can date?”

The Pride Month Bundle contains:

The Door Into Fire*

The Door Into Shadow*

The Door Into Sunset*

Tales of the Five #1: The Levin-Gad

Tales of the Five #2: The Landlady

Sirronde’s World #1: The Span

Sirronde’s World #3: Parting Gifts (SW #2 not yet written)

Tales of the Middle Kingdoms #1: Lior and the Sea

Additionally, it contains the Tales of the Middle Kingdoms novella, Overdue—available only at Ebooks Direct as a standalone purchase, in this collection, and in the whole-store “I Want Everything You’ve Got” collection.

And finally, from the Young Wizards universe, the Pride Month Bundle contains the matter-of-fact exit from the (contextual) closet of two of the best-loved characters in the series—Advisory wizards Tom Swale and Carl Romeo—on their first canonically-“out” (ad)venture as a couple:

Owl Be Home For Christmas

Click here to get the 2024 Pride Package!

UK friends: due to Brexit, we regret that we are no longer able to sell ebooks into Britain. Our apologies that this offer is therefore not valid in the UK.

*Gaylaxic Spectrum Awards Hall of Fame winner

[kurtismcilroy]

Man I've been seeing a lotta discourse lately and I've gotta say if you're asexual, aromantic, allosexual, aroace, aspec or anything that falls under the asexual and/or aromantic umbrella you're so valid and welcome here <33

[bloggingboutburgers]

Allo anon again, I just wanted to come in here one more time to say that I didn't mean to make you cry, but I am happy that I have brought you and other people joy! I will take any chance I get to gush about my gf because she is a wonderful woman and deserves the world. :3

I don't know much about France, but I do know that in North America there is starting to be more asexual awareness in the medical field and outside of it. Many people still find it weird, but at least within LGBTQ+ spaces, I've seen it become more welcomed. I hope that within my lifetime, it can be far more accepted.

I may not fully understand the asexual experience, but as an autistic person, I know what it's like to know that you are in some way invisibly different from your peers. To have wants and desires that make people look at you sideways. To have people say to your face that they think you are a fundamentally broken person, and that your life is not worth living. I know how frustrating it can feel to be boxed in because of others' assumptions. But just because you do not fit into what is "normal" does not make your path any less worth taking.

The beauty of humanity comes from the diversity of its experiences. There are so many ways to make connections with other people, animals, and nature. No matter what others might tell you, I believe that the universe is not fundamentally cruel, but kind. The world DOES have a place for all of us in it, it just takes more time for some people to find their niche.

I also wanted to reaffirm to everyone out there that regardless of if you want sex, romance, or neither, and regardless of if you want a long term partner or not, you are valid. I'm friends with a couple other aces and aros, and they are amazing creatives, scientists, and friends. No matter what you want out of life, you, the person reading this, deserves people who will care for you and respect you in a way that honours your boundaries. You deserve acceptance and happiness. Even if things get difficult, I sincerely hope that you will find what you are looking for. And in the meantime, I am offering digital hugs, high-fives, and pastries of your choice :)

Have a good day or night, and even if it's only for 5 minutes, do something that makes you happy <3

I'm so sorry I'm replying to this so late, the past couple days have been a bit busy! But please don't worry about the tears, they were definitely happy ones, and this just almost brought up more of them 🫶

Thank you so so much for this, it's so uplifting to read and deserves to be shared widely. I hope you also have a wonderful day or night and I wish you and your gf all the happiness you can have!!

[theinfernalsanctuary]

You do not need to be sexually active to be a theistic Satanist.

You are no less a theistic Satanist if you are Asexual.

You can still wait for marriage if that feels right for you.

One of the biggest tenets we have is autonomy, and that includes bodily autonomy. You do not have to do anything that you do not want to do, and that includes anything of a sexual nature. By forcing the idea that Lord Satan is fixated on the idea of people having sex you are alienating an entire group of people who are entirely welcome here just as much as anyone else. Not to mention the fact that there are two kings of Hell appointed by Lord Satan that specialize in love and sex that no one who sexualizes our religion seems to talk about. Go figure that they haven't done their research.

To my Asexual, Aromantic, Demisexual, all other members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and my straight friends who just don't want to have sex for whatever reason or just haven't gotten laid in a while (or at all, nothing wrong with staying a virgin for as long as you want, do what makes you comfy). You are valid. You are still a Satanist. Satan is not mad at you for not being sexually active or for being monogamous for that matter. Stay happy, stay healthy, and most importantly, stay safe.

May Lord Satan's light guide you even in the darkest of times.

Ave Satanas!

[tavyliasin]

Raphael - Archduke of Asexuals

Welcome to another essay from Tavylia! We need some words about the handsome devil himself now, darlings, do we not? Because there's something very Ace about him - and I don't just mean "what a nifty guy", strap in (but not on) because we're going on a deep dive on...

Why Is Raphael the King of Asexuals and What Is It About Him That Draws So Many Of Us To Him Like He Is Made Of Garlic Bread: Another "Short" Essay by TavyliaSin (Who Frankly Rebels Against The Idea Of A Concise Title) ((Because This Is More Fun)) (((I Might Have Some Volo In My Family Tree)))

((Side Note - Ended up discussing more of Asexuality in fandom in general, but that's cool, right?...Right, well, the sections are marked, read as you so wish~)) Alright, this time we're not going to go too heavy into any darker topics, but there will be a deep examination of character, lore, asexuality, and a large heap of headcanons. There will also be a lot of microlabels, so I'll pop a short glossary at the end and some resources.

Also, please remember that no headcanon of mine is ever intended to override canon, or anyone else's HC - each HC is true and valid to the head it lives within~ that's the beauty of them, they are ours, and even when shared they remain our own to enjoy too.

What in the Hells is Asexuality Anyway? Aka, is Lia really trying to say the man she writes so much smut for is not sexual at all? (A brief overview of Asexuality)

Asexuality, in the most basic definition, means quite simply: "Experiencing limited or no sexual attraction." Now, look very closely. Some Asexuals, or Aces as we are sometimes called (and will be in this essay) experience absolute 0 sexual attraction. Some experience a very limited amount, or only under specific circumstances. It's also about Sexual Attraction and does not necessarily include feelings towards Action. I find this is best explained by the Split Attraction Model: Sexual Attraction - Attraction with a sexual component. Romantic Attraction - Attraction with a romantic component. Libido - Arousal, physical desire to act on arousal whether alone or partnered. Sex Drive - The desire to engage in partnered sexual activity, with or without arousal. A lot of people might look at those criteria and think "but those are the same thing", and for many that would be a fair assumption if they tend to be experienced simultaneously. But many among us only experience some parts, or they're not connected. The key is that whilst some Asexuals may experience little or none of any of those four, the only one relevant is the first, and an asexual with high libido or sex drive is no less asexual than any other, there's just no person attached to that libido or drive. So there are asexuals who enjoy sex, who have sexual relationships, and there are also asexuals who have no interest in any of that - the best part is, we're all valid!

Alright, But What Does This Have To Do With Raphael? The Devil Who Seduces In Every Other Sentence?

Right, see, here's the thing. He does flirt, but it never goes further. Seduction is just another tool that he uses, the same way he uses intimidation, promises, and bargains. It would be foolish of him to ignore the potential to bend someone to his schemes when he notices the colour rise to their cheeks when he talks, his goals need a lot of pieces to fall into place. None of it feels genuine. Raphael simply needs people to agree to his terms, and if the promise of sex secures a signature then so be it - besides, he has a hungry incubus at home who can fulfil that side of the deal without him ever having to lift a finger~ It isn't uncommon either for asexual people to make innuendo, lewd jokes, or to flirt without intention - some may even find that it's very easy to do this when there's no attraction or expectation. So for that... He reads as very Ace to me, it's all a part of the manipulation and the grand scheme. There's no actual attraction there. Interest? Certainly, the player character can be a very useful tool in his needs.

What About Haarlep? How Do They Fit In If Raphael Is Asexual?

Haarlep is an extremely sexual being, by their very nature they feed on sex and sexual energy, and we know by what they say that Raphael does indeed sleep with them. The canon would lead one to a logical microlabel when looking at Raphael and Haarlep together: Autosexual - This means experiencing more sexual attraction to yourself than to anyone else. This is a rarer microlabel, but still under the Ace umbrella as "limited sexual attraction" which can mean "attraction is very infrequent" and/or "attraction is only experienced under specific circumstances". And, of course, the HC territory can veer into Haarlep feeling like a safe enough option to deal with Libido and Sex Drive without having to find another partner or worry about attraction. You can also, if you really want to, bring in the canon that so many Anti-Raphael people love to scream about, "Haarlep says Raphael is bad in bed". Perhaps he is, perhaps he's just not into it beyond the simple release of tension and need. I'm not judging him for that, even if my HC is wildly different.

Why Is It Asexuals Like Him So Much? Is It Just Because He's Ace Too?

Well here come the deeper theories, based more on my own personal angle than anyone else's, so please do not assume this is the "only correct interpretation" nor the only way an ace may adore him. Plenty of aces don't feel any sexual or romantic attraction to Raphael, they're simply very fond of him as a character. He's interesting, oddly non-threatening because that flirtation is never pushed too far, never acted on, it's just there, a part of his clear interest in the player character (and he is obsessed, in his way, those diaries read like self-insert fan-fiction Raphael, my love, I see you). There's depth, intrigue, and the same things I've talked about before with villain fandom. So we can look deeper. Flirtation can be nice for anyone to feel, and oddly enough as an Ace I have often preferred characters who are open and overt in their attempts to seduce. This isn't necessarily true in life, real people and fiction are very different (hello, fellow FictoSexuals, good to have you here darlings~) but there is something appealing in the casual manner and clear tone. We also might have more of a draw to villains in general, but I've covered some of that in my last little ramble~ Reciprosexuals may also feel more for Raphael as he's initiating the flirtation, expressing potential attraction. Demisexuals are also likely to find that getting to know him is what draws them in. There's an element of "Forbidden Fruit" at play here too, in the way there isn't a romance for him (Haarlep does not count, they are their own being, a different personality). Then, of course we have kink.

Aces In Kinky Spaces

Here's the controversial one, loves, but I do ask that you approach this with understanding and compassion~ Not all aces are kinky. But there are a good portion who are. Kink is not always sexual, although it very much can be there are some people who enjoy, for example, "subspace" in BDSM - this is where a submissive reaches a kind of blissful inner peace as a result of being made to submit, their senses brought to focus on bondage, pain, or following orders. It varies from person to person, but it often described as a floaty feeling, freeing, relaxing, deeply satisfying without necessarily including anything sexual at all. Of course, kink can be sexual too, which you will find in a whole lot of my writing, don't think about it too hard darling let me have this one~ This can be helpful for someone not experiencing sexual attraction, but instead finding sex drive and libido from kink instead, allowing them to engage in sexual relationships and activity in a manner they are comfortable with and enjoy. There is also the safety of trust and rules with kink play. So the obvious reminder goes here: Consent is key Safe words and signals are binding and must be instantly respected when used Nobody should be shamed for safe word/signal use Aftercare is important and not optional Negotiation needs to happen before a scenario, not during/after When I write with Raphael, there's almost always the kink angle because he so naturally falls into D/s and Power Play tropes. On the surface you have a very Dominant personality, so it's easy to see him continuing that role in the bedroom. But then there's the other side, Raphael as a sub, not only because of what Haarlep says (and do remember "sub" and "bottom" are not the same thing), but because people who are often in control and making decisions in their daily life find freedom and enjoyment in giving over that control to someone else, not having to worry about anything but enjoying the situation while another takes on all those decisions. So he fits very well with plenty of kinky ace themes, and I quite like that feeling of "he's not just going to get into bed with someone who is pretty, there's going to be a genuine interest and desire there that's beyond the surface, a deeper need and longing for who they are". That's rather nice, honestly.

Aces and Spicy FanWorks

Alright going to draw this in to a close now loves we are running long with this one! FictoSexuals will be more aware of this than most, but fictional characters and works often have more draw because there's a layer of disconnection to it. There's no actual partner with expectations or needs, you can step away from fiction at any moment. You can close the app/browser, scroll past the art, stop reading, save and exit the game - there is complete control in how and when you engage with the content, whether consuming it or making it. So there are a fair few of us, playing around with those fantasies in art and writing, things that are fun and comfortable in our own ways, and I'm grateful that we have this space to do so~ I've met more than one fellow ace in the creative side of fandom and I'm simply never surprised by it. We aren't defined by our attractions, and we are collectively rather talented at this little hobby of ours~ The fun theory there is that when we don't experience much (or any) sexual attraction, we are looking that much closer when writing about it. We don't tend to skip it, we analyse what is attractive, where it comes from, how it might feel, why it feels that way, and that can present itself as deeper and more detailed fictional works. Whether that's in the posing and expressions of visual arts, or in the narration and dialogue of writing, we are paying attention to trying to get it right, whether it's an experience we can ever relate to personally or not.

Alright, Is This Thing Ever Ending?

It really should, you're so right~ Raphael Fandom, and other more niche characters, do have a fair amount of Asexuals for all the reasons above and likely a whole lot more too. I love that for us, and I love talking about it because there is so little Asexual visibility sometimes that people take many many years to even know they're ace because it's simply not an option they're aware of. So hello to all of you who slid down the OverCompensating Bisexual/Pansexual -> Asexual pipeline because you thought "feeling the same way towards any gender" was all that meant and didn't realise "feeling nothing towards any gender" is actually different and its own thing, oops. We're here now, and that's just fine~ Take care, beloved Aces, regardless where you are under the Asexual Umbrella, or what microlabels you wear.

You are valid, seen, heard, and loved.

^ Raphael realising he's not Bi/Pan, he's Ace and owning it, like the king he is. Or perhaps not king... Archduke of Asexuality~

---------------------------------- ---------------------------------- ASEXUAL RESOURCES AND MICROLABEL DEFINITIONS ---------------------------------- ----------------------------------

Asexual - Experiences little to no sexual attraction Greysexual/Grey Asexual - Experiences limited sexual attraction Demisexual - Only experiences attraction after an emotional bond has formed or knowing the individual well on a personal level Fraysexual - Sexual attraction is brief and does not last once an emotional bond is formed Fictosexual - Experiences sexual attraction towards fictional characters (art, writing, film, games, other media, but not real people) Autosexual - Attraction is towards the self more than to other people Reciprosexual - Only experiences attraction after attraction towards them has been clearly expressed --- This is not a full or comprehensive list of microlabels! Nor should people feel a need to use them. They are there to help us understand ourselves and to relate to others in the community. None have to be strict, and it is perfectly valid for your sexuality to shift during your lifetime for any reason. --- For more information and resources on Asexuality, I strongly recommend seeking out Ace communities, even on places like Reddit, and this website:

Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) Website

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/750548921882918912/i-know-this-is-insanely-politically-incorrect-of?source=share

From what I've seen, the cis queer boys who pull the "ewwww, fujos" thing tend to be ace/aro, not gay.

Ace boys* have a lot in common with trans boys. They are both only nominally welcome in any queer space that isn't expressly made for them and them only, and they are both told that their identity isn't real, isn't acutally queer, and just generally isn't valid. They both often end up in places (like Tumblr) where being a boy or man of any kind is considered immoral and dangerous to women and "real" queers. And they are both told that being the kind of boy they are is antithetical to masculinity, and that this is a good thing.

Asexuality is considered inherently soft and weak and feminine, and ace boys are told that this makes them Better and Purer than "real" men, in much the same way trans boys are told that their bodies make them both not actually male and morally superior to cis boys and men (and whatever other identities are getting lumped in with cis men this week, usually trans men who pass too well or trans women who wear cargo shorts, but that's another rant).

It's not surprising that someone who is marginalised and invalidated within their own communities, at an age and life stage where they're only just figuring themselves out, would be the sort who would fall for this stuff.

***

So how it's shaped is there's a group (Tumblr queers) you want to earn recognition and acceptance from, but they don't like you and tell you you're not good enough for them. The group claims that XYZ random thing (yaoi) is inherently harmful to a third party (gay men), and that thing is kinda squicky to you.

And you see a path to acceptence and group membership shining clearly. Reject the yaoi! Make a huge scene about how it makes you (a more socially acceptable and morally pure version of "queer man") feel weird when you think about the dirty terrible other people who enjoy yaoi! They'll see that you aren't a filthy fujo with a woman's sexuality OR a gross and ugly queer man, you're a pure and wholesome and soft and nonthreatening boy. They HAVE to accept you now!

***

Which is all a very long way of saying that marginalized and ostracized boys tend to fall for purity police traps because they don't have the experience and context to know any better and because they're desperate for validation and community.

*I'm saying "boys" because I'm specifically talking about young people here and not talking about adult trans and ace men.

--

[gordontheengineswifenirmal]

From ur big old Aego/aro housemum here -

Asexual and aromantic people can face prejudice and hate crime, which service providers and criminal justice agencies have a duty to tackle. The information below aims to assist services to better understand and serve the needs of ace people who experience hate crime.

Prevalence of acephobia

Whilst social awareness is growing, asexuality and aromanticism are still not widely recognised, and prejudice against asexual and aromantic people remains largely unexamined.

The little (but growing!) research that there is in this area has uncovered strong bias against ace people. Relative to cisgender and heterosexual people, and even to cisgender lesbian, gay and bisexual people, asexual people were found to be the target of more prejudice, avoidance and discrimination.

Of all the sexual minorities studied, ace people were the most dehumanised, viewed as “machine-like”- cold and emotionless. This demonstrates the need to address anti-asexual bias and that ace people are at risk of experiencing violence, abuse and discrimination.

Recognising anti-asexual prejudice

Acephobia is a prejudicial attitude toward asexual and aromantic people based on negative stereotypes. It can include believing that ace people:

are less than human or against human nature

are deficient or broken; that it is a result of mental illness or sexual abuse

have just not met the “right” person

are confused or ‘going through a phase’

cannot experience love and have relationships

are just “prudes”; that asexuality is a choice rather than an orientation

don’t face oppression and are damaging the LGBT+ cause.

What is anti-asexual hate crime?

Any offence should be treated as an anti-asexual hate crime if the person who experienced it or anyone else feels it was an expression of acephobia.

Anti-asexual hate crime can include verbal abuse and violence from neighbours or strangers, in person or online. Because people’s ace identity is not always visible to strangers, anti-asexual abuse can often be concentrated in settings where the targeted person and perpetrator know each other. That can include verbal abuse or unwanted sexual touching from acquaintances and anti-asexual domestic abuse from family or partners. This also includes actual and threats of so-called “corrective” rape, to “fix” the person’s orientation.

These crimes can be less often recognized in mainstream services, but it is equally important to record and address them in a manner that addresses their motivation of hostility.

To qualify to be recorded as a hate incident, a report needn’t include anti-asexual language. It is enough for a reporting person to perceive that it was motivated by acephobia. Police guidance states that any crime or non-criminal incident should be recorded as motivated by sexual orientation hatred if the person reporting it feels it was motivated that way. Courts will need evidence to record a hate crime.

Tackle anti-asexual prejudice within LGBT+ communities

Asexuality is a part of sexual diversity, and aromanticism is a valid romantic orientation. Therefore they belong within the LGBT+ community.

However, ace people can face prejudice from within our community, such as being refused entry to LGBT+ spaces or inappropriate treatment by LGBT+ services. Some LGBT+ people argue that asexuality shouldn’t be included under the LGBT+ umbrella. Similar reasoning was employed to object to bisexual and trans inclusion in lesbian and gay movements historically – and still results in failings in full inclusion and support of these groups today.

LGBT+ people working as service providers can also sometimes oppose asexual inclusion. It is important for LGBT+ services to raise awareness of ace identities and acephobia, and work towards welcoming all sexual and romantic minorities to their service.

Demonstrate that you take acephobia seriously by speaking out against it.

Ace people also face homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, ableism, racism, etc.

Sexual orientation is distinct from romantic orientation; asexual people may have heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic or aromantic attractions and so may face homophobia or biphobia

Asexual and aromantic people may also be trans, non-binary or have a non-conforming gender presentation, so may face transphobia.

Therefore acepeople may face anti-LGBT hate in addition to acephobia, and often these prejudices are linked. Determining how it should be recorded should be done together with the service user.

Additionally, many people face hostility rooted in multiple types of hatred, for instance both acephobic and racist. They are entitled to ask police and other safety services to record it under several hate incident categories. Ask open questions about motivation, support service users in determining their own account of events, and bear in mind that a crime or incident may have more than one hate motivation.

The CATCH Partnership can help you ensure you get appropriate support after an incident that targeted several of your identities.

Make a positive impact and recognise the gap

Service are increasingly familiar with hate crime against lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people, but ace people have their own distinct needs, which can be overlooked or underplayed. Build your knowledge, policies and systems to address this important issue.

Many ace people feel pressured to pass as allosexual or alloromantic when talking to services, which can prevent people from disclosing important information about incidents. Make efforts to enable service users to be themselves in your service, and feel safe disclosing issues related to their identity.

For every acephobic incident or crime someone tells you about there will be many more unreported. Help people feel that telling you was worthwhile. An important way of doing that is by referral to ace and LGBT+ support, advice, advocacy and social groups, such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

Enable people to consider a range of options including help from police, discrimination law, restorative justice, emotional support, or assistance complaining about acephobic attitudes from a provider of goods or services.

[deatmat]

Ace therapy is something incredibly interesting. I just saw a post about how in therapy asexuality is still treated like an illness and how hard it is to find a therapist who won’t try to convert you. (I was going to put this in the reblogs but then my phone did a whacky thing and made it disappear)

I wanted to share that there’s another issue with therapy and asexuality: people trying to use therapy to ‘fix’ friends/family.

When I was 13 I started to see a therapist for anxiety and depression. I was so terrified that I forced my mother to attend the first session with me. We sat down with Dr. A and started discussing what I wanted to explore over my time with her. As I finished my bit about why I was here, my mom decided to tack on one last thing.

“We also struggle a lot with her sexuality.”

I looked at my mother in shock because while, yes my parents do struggle to accept it and that does play a role in my life that I’d like to talk about, it was not what I’d expected to hear. Dr. A asked her what she meant as I stiffened in the shoulders and started to dread what she’d say.

“Well just that she’s asexual, and a little confused, and maybe you can help her through that.”

This may seem like it could be harmless - maybe she meant it as in genuinely wanting someone to support me through a difficult transition. But, knowing my mother, she was waiting for a professional to validate her in her opinion that I was “confused” and “too young” and “just waiting for the right person/for my hormones to kick in.”

Thankfully, Dr. A seemed to sense I was uncomfortable and shuffled along the conversation. When we had our next session without my mom, she asked me if I wanted to talk about asexuality or if my mother just wanted to, and when I explained it wasn’t a huge issue in my life, she accepted that and moved on. Asexuality was only ever mentioned from there on when I was talking about the stress of other peoples reactions to it, in which it was immediately treated respectfully. Though my mother still asked after most sessions if asexuality had been brought up.

I was lucky to have a good therapist, someone who welcomed all variations of queer people without hesitation. If I had been without her, this would be a very different conversation about ace therapy.

The LGBTQIA community says asexuals don’t face discrimination but we’re still so unsafe in medical settings. Most of us know we can never mention being ace to our therapists or our treatments would begin to focusing on increasing our sex drives which don’t have anything wrong with them in the first place. It’s sick and wrong that people are using the system to their advantage and trying to snuff out our identities. Please stay safe out there my ace pals.

[aspecduality]

This very first Aromantic Visibility day as well as this and every future pride month: alloromantic people (non aromantic/arospec people) please please please don't just say "aros you all are valid and welcomed here!"

That is only the first of many steps but too often that's all I see done for aros. (For aces it's slowly changing to be a bit more) but a lot of people still think the A in LGBTQIA+ only stands for asexual (or worse, they think it stands for Ally, when it actually stands for Asexual, Aromantic, and Agender).

Saying we're valid isn't enough. You need to listen to us, both about the struggles and joys that we face and not assert that you know our experiences, lives, and feelings better than us.

Our experiences are not the same of course. They will be very different, varried, and you may not "get" them all. But the same can be said for our other human kin. You need not be able to personally relate to us to listen well and support us in both joy and sorrow.

To be happy for us and celebrate when something happens in our lives that is positive. To not treat getting a pet as us being sad and lonely and trying to make up for a lack of a romantic partner, to see us getting a place for ourselves to willingly and happily live alone and celebrate us being able to decorate it just how we'd like and get alone time when we want it. To not see someone single and try and push us into dating or someone else to date us when we don't want to because you, personally would be sad without experiencing romance.

Listen and help us fight the causes of our suffering and discrimination. When we say something systematic is harming us don't just say how the solution to affordable housing and better tax benefits would be to just get a significant other/get married, help us change how we as a society operate. Listen to us feeling invisible, unrepresented, and alone due to how society shoves down our throats that not feeling love makes you an evil monster and how you must find someone you love in order to be happy and feel whole. Help us get more information, knowledge, and understanding about aromanticism out into the world to help current aros not feel so unsupported and estranged or even unsafe around the LGBTQIA+ community as well as aid questioning folk who may be aro realize sooner that unlike how everything in society tells us, there is nothing wrong or broken about them and there is a whole life full of wonderful things and cool experiences waiting for them.

[Please DO NOT tag this post or refer to it as Asexual or derail the post to be about asexuality (or anything else). Aros and aces have a lot of experiences in common but this post is being made on Aromantic Visibility day and is meant to be about Aromantics specifically.

Of course, intersectionality is ok, such as being AroAce and how these subjects tie into each other and people's experiences with Atomanticism tied into other aspects of their lives]

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi there! How are you doing? I have some questions, well, a rant *plus* some questions.

I feel... safer with allo allies than I do with aro/ace communities (online). Does that make me aphobic/bad? I don't go by labels because for me, they're not necessary. If I *were* to label myself based purely on definitions, I would be aroace, specifically, demiromantic asexual. I used to go by this a while back.

I don't fit the stereotype of being aroace at all. I'll talk about the aromantic side. Unlike most arospecs i've seen online, I LOVE Valentine's day! I LOVE shipping! I LOVE consuming romance fiction. I LOVE romance et cetera et cetera and yet I don't experience it like allos do. I need a strong bond with someone in order to fall in love and it takes me really, really, long to do so. But once it happens, my love is not 'weak'. It makes me pass really well as allo because of this, but it makes a lot of people in the aro community mad because I'm 'stealing' a label to 'feel special'. I was always told I was not aroace, that I couldn't be aroace by definition. That I was alloromantic asexual pretending to be on the arospec. That I was too scared to be 'basic'.

On that topic, and I think this is unintentional, but... why is nobody batting an eye when an aro or an ace person shames an allo or calls them weird or basic? Because they're doing exactly what allo aphobes are doing to them. I had this conversation with a friend and he said, 'that doesn't happen, allo people don't get shamed especially by aspec people', yet, I keep seeing things like 'I fucking hate allos so much' and 'To all my aces, we're not like allos, we're better' or something along those lines.

Whenever I enter an aspec online space, I'm made to feel like an intruder because, as I said, my experiences are very similar to the allo experience EXCEPT for the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction unless a strong bond has been formed. I'm not saying the aroace community is bad in any way, don't get my wrong, I'm saying that there is a massive gatekeeping problem going around and so much bubbling hatred and separation, and I don't understand any of it. In a prefect world, I'd happily identify as aroace, but I feel ashamed to do so now.

The gatekeeping... the infighting, I don't want to hate the online community of which I'm supposed to belong but this... this isn't right. The allo allies don't do things like this. They don't make me feel insecure about myself. And yes, while I don't experience romance like an allo would, I feel safe around them. I need to ask, have you seen this too? Have you experienced this? Is this truly all in my head? What do you think?

I apologize for the vent or if I seem aphobic, I just really need answers and I'm tired of the constant hatred... How are you? Did you drink enough water? Did you sleep well today? Did you eat? Again, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable with this!

Vents are totally welcome, Anon. Don't worry.

I'm really sorry you ran into gatekeeping, Anon. I feel like that's something that's really been on the rise especially over the last couple of years. It's a real issue and it causes a lot of harm. This should go without saying, but demiromantic people are aro, and have just as much right to be here as anyone else on the aro spectrum.

I do think at least part of the problem is social media in general and how things are set up these days. We don't have community spaces as much anymore, in particular we've lost moderated spaces where gatekeepers can be properly dealt with. And there's very little curation or organization. Things are chaotic and fragmented, and one person's experience and what kind of posts they say see may vary wildly from someone else's. There's also a competing needs issue, where one aro may need to vent about romance, another may need their romantic side validated and there's no way to organize so each can find the space they each need.

If finding aro spaces/blogs that are more accepting is important to you, Anon (and it's OK both if it is or isn't), my big advice would be seek out demiromantic blogs and posters specifically. There's some very good ones around and they'll be posting about aro things that are relevant to you, and even more importantly won't be gatekeeping demi identities.

For more aro-general blogs, there are ones out there that are also inclusive and anti-gatekeeping, but it may take a bit of work to find them. Be very liberal with your unfollow and block buttons. If someone is gatekeeping block on sight, but also if they're not posting the type of aro content that you need or want to see, you're allowed to organize things so you don't see their posts. Sometimes unfollowing is enough, but blocking also doesn't necessarily mean the other person has done anything wrong, it's just a tool to make sure you're not seeing a blog you don't want to see.

For the shaming allos question, I do think it's a complex topic. For me it depends on context. I definitely do not believe in any kind of ace/aro superiority, being ace and/or aro, or being allo are both neutral. Nobody's smarter or more moral or more pure or anything like that. But sometimes people say things as a vent in the moment and are reacting to a difficult situation they've been in. So for example someone may say 'allos suck' but it comes from a place where they've been very badly treated by allos for being ace or aro but they're referring more to the societal systems that are in place that privilege allo people and make life more difficult for ace/aro people, they don't actually believe being allo makes someone a bad person. (It can be hard to tell what's going on just from a post, again it's OK to unfollow and block, especially if it's just not what you personally need to see in the moment).

Personally I don't come across a lot of this type of stuff, but this is what I mean about things being fragmented, the blogs I follow just aren't posting about the infighting or gatekeeping and I don't happen to see it in the tags when I go in there. But I do hear about it second hand, and it seems like it's a problem on other social media sites I'm not on as well.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time, Anon. But I am glad you've found people you can be comfortable with and be yourself around. That's really important too. And thanks for the reminder that I really should drink more water today.

Hopefully at least some of this is helpful, but if you have more questions or want to discuss anything in more detail, feel free to send in another ask.

All the best!

[our-aroace-experience]

i found out i was asexual some time ago but i just thought it doesn't fit me, that i grow out of it. now i think again that i'm asexual. i'm not sure about it but i'm not really sexually attracted to people or if then very rarely and not any random person i have never seen or talked to before. idk sex is not important to me at all, i can live without it but i'm so insecure to ever find someone romantically that's comfortable with not having sex. it messes with my head every now and then. idk if i'm just insecure about having sex and that's why i find secureness in this community or what the reason is. idk if i'm valid here. idk if there has to be a certain reason or if it's okay that there is a reason.

you are very valid and welcome here! the reason for wanting to use the ace label doesn't change the fact that you are part of the community! there are some other labels on the ace spectrum you could look into if you wanted, but using ace is great!

[dduane]

For Pride Month at Ebooks Direct... our LGBTQ Bundle is 50% off!

Warning! These works contain: homosexuals, bisexuals, lesbians, pansexuals, asexuals, polyamorous folks, genderfluid humans and nonhumans, and two (or maybe three) varieties of queer magic-users, as well as gay science-users, wizards, and Dragons. And they’ve all been there since 1979. Welcome to one universe where whom you love and how your genders intersect is between you, your lover(s), and the Goddess. And another where wizards come in so many species and sexualities that getting sniffy about something as wildly variable as local sex and gender may well be seen as kind of provincial… when you’re just one more of a million kinds of humanity, and the serious question is: “Never mind the tentacles—do you think we can date?” Under the cut: the contents! (And a note for would-be UK purchasers)

The collection contains:

The Door Into Fire*

The Door Into Shadow*

The Door Into Sunset*

Tales of the Five #1: The Levin-Gad

Tales of the Five #2: The Landlady

Sirronde’s World #1: The Span

Sirronde’s World #3: Parting Gifts (SW #2 not yet written)

Tales of the Middle Kingdoms #1: Lior and the Sea

Additionally, it contains the Tales of the Middle Kingdoms novella, Overdue—available only at Ebooks Direct individually, in this collection, and in the whole-store “I Want Everything You’ve Got” collection.

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Owl Be Home For Christmas

The Pride Month Package will be available at its reduced price, $18.49, until June 30th.

Click here to get the 2024 Pride Package!

UK friends: due to Brexit, we regret that we are no longer able to sell ebooks into Britain. Our apologies that this offer is therefore not valid in the UK.

*Gaylaxic Spectrum Awards Hall of Fame winner