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queerspaceprince · 3 months

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super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

#i saw the tv glow #i saw the tv glow spoilers #ftm #queer #hrt #depression #anxiety #tw self harm mention #tw self harm #tw suicidal ideation #tw #tw self destructive behavior #i think thats it #for both my thoughts and the tws #if u think i should add another lmk

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ghoulcandy · 2 years

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i zoned out thru most of 'smile' bc i was having my cool breakdown but i rly dont feel like i missed out on a lot whatsoever. the mirror i got had hangul subtitled baked in which was a little distracting but it beats the camrip i was about to watch last week

quick review and spoilers for a 5/10 horror movie

tl;dr if ur gonna watch something that has a Very Long Woman in it and ends with an old song just watch barbarian instead

suicide being a driving factor in horror never really squicks me out but they did go hard on the sound design in this film, esp since it starts with a girl slicing her face and neck (ineffective method starting on her cheek, too much room for error) to kill herself. the blood was very watery

can't believe in the year of our lord 2022 that "is she just CRAAAZYYY? NO ONE believes her!!!" was the main struggle

mild points for having mentally ill characters that weren't outright demonized, but damn that bar is low!!

the reverse deborah loganing at the end was a little freaky, but i think they should have had her cheeks tear as long as the big guy was unhinging her jaw so much. anyway *crawls in ur mouth but is like 12 ft tall*

they really were restrained with the body horror overall, i wish they'd gone a bit harder on it, especially since the jumpscares were pretty lame

the entity's design was pretty cool, i wish we had gotten to see more of it instead of normal people going >:) every 20 minutes or so

it takes the form of her mom and then she got Long. then tears off her face and u see the Big Man in action.

the fact that there was an "it was a DREEEAM" fakeout 3/4ths of the way in actually got me, i was about to be super pissed at the main character for stabbing one of her patients. during this scene the entity tears off its face for the first time but it's just a normal human skinless face beneath

the mom's suicide traumatizing the main character is like, yeah. duh. obviously that would scar a kid. but the thing is that the big guy is a really sloppy metaphor for trauma because OOOO you cant get rid of it but u can always. like. traumatize other people??? i guess? like. ok

it's not like it's supposed to be a deep avant-garde a24 horror flick or anything but they go out of their way to talk about it and use therapy lingo all throughout, so it was worth mentioning they did so poorly. not even in an offensive way either

the credit sequence rolls with "lollipop" for no reason other than they rly said "let's use a SpOoOky old song ooooo"

uhhh then it ends with her passing on the curse because of course it does

serviceable, good for people just past entry-level who might not have a ton of experience with horror

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ot3 · 3 years

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Sorry to bother - feel free to ignore. I’m trying to write an orv fic bc. I like them. And I’m having trouble understanding why with the regression depression it’s the happy memories that get yjh the most. Best I can figure it’s bc he can use the bad memories to propel him forward - like he’s doing this to avenge them. But the good memories force him to realize these people are gone and he’ll never see them again. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks!

i think that's definitely more or less accurate! i think the 'those people are gone and he'll never see them again' bit you've pointed out is the critical piece here. ill stick my further thoughts below the cut. this is really long because i've pulled a LOT of long chunks of text from the novel to shore up this point. i just got home from work so my thoughts are gonna be a little bit incoherent here. skip to the end if you're not interested in reading all the segments i pulled from the text. spoilers all the way up through chapter 508

first things first, let's just go back to the novel and look at all the bits where YJH's depression gets brought up

“Maybe Yoo Jonghyuk-nim has already repeated a few lives. You have fought against terrible enemies and struggled against the beings of this world to save people. Enduring alone, lonely memories… We respect your sublime spirit.”

This jerk, such skillful flattery. Yoo Jonghyuk would be moved to tears if he heard. Later when he was depressed, I would have to tell him these words.

“But Yoo Jonghyuk-nim should’ve realized it from your past regressions. Even if you have an outstanding miracle, you alone can’t fight against the disasters that will come.”

Plus, he was right.

- from ch 48

「 Everything is twisted because of this person. 」

「 It is different from what I know in the earlier regressions. The amount of information available is too limited. I can’t save the world like this. 」

What was this?

「 The reason I was hurt by the Salvation Church was because we spent too much time in the last round. It was a mistake to train for 100 years then. My mind was permanently damaged. 」

「 Maybe it was a mistake not to get the Absolute Throne. 」

「 I will start from the beginning again… 」

Dammit, the regressor’s depression had begun. Was it due to the mental attack? I cried out in fear of what he would decide. “I’m hurt you jerk!”

- from ch 140

「 Those people can’t save the world, even with 100 trucks. 」

「 Once again, the answer is regression… 」

“Now now, our Supreme King isn’t in a good mood right now so back off. Do you want to die?” I personally stepped forward to get rid of any causes of depression.

- later on in ch140 as well

This jerk, he was always so impatient. He had been given time to rest but he was still busy thinking. Regardless of his depressed state, Yoo Jonghyuk was Yoo Jonghyuk.

“Before that, let’s take a moment to breath. The view is great.” I said while sitting on the roof railing.

Yoo Jonghyuk asked me, “What are you up to?”

“I’m just looking at the world. Isn’t it beautiful?” The city of Seoul was destroyed by the monsters. I quickly added, “It was originally a beautiful place.”

“I don’t like landscapes.”

“Why?”

“They are things that will disappear someday.”

I thought I had a bit more understanding of the third regression Yoo Jonghyuk after fighting against Shin Yoosung. I wanted to believe he was a person who could love this world without giving up or feeling despair.

I told him, “However, we need to protect these things.”

“Kim Dokja, you don’t know.”

This might be my misunderstanding. Yoo Jonghyuk could give up at any time because he was still in the midst of his regressions.

In the end, Yoo Jonghyuk’s purpose was to prevent the ‘destruction of this world.’ Paradoxically, he could give up on this world at any time. His essence was regression and this fact would never change.

“No, I know,” I replied.

“What?”

“The fact that you can regress at any time means that death is meaningless.”

I looked down at Lee Seolhwa caring for the injured. Lee Seolhwa was feeding her boiled soup to an unknown person. Despite her efforts, there was a high probability that the character would die. Even if they lied now, they would die tomorrow. If they miraculously survived tomorrow, they would die the day after tomorrow.

It was the same in the fourth regression and the fifth regression. There would always be ‘death’ in the world of Yoo Jonghyuk, even after passing the 100th regression.

“If there is no sense of death then the value of life also disappears.”

- ch141

There was the vague belief that he could do better in the next round with more information. It was easy for him to give up on this regression if something went wrong.

This was the precursor symptom of ‘regression depression.’ Some of the contents of Ways of Survival passed through my head.

It was around the 48th regression. Yoo Jonghyuk had consulted with an incarnation of the constellation ‘Discoverer of the Subconscious’ on the ‘regression depression.’ At the time, he seemed to be speaking like I was now.

I continued speaking, “Yes. It might be as you say. If you repeat it 10 or 20 times then it will surely get better. You’ll be exposed to more scenarios and see more of the future. The real problem is when you someday save the world in this manner.”

“What does this mean?”

“At that time, do you really think you saved this world?”

“…”

“Do you think you will be able to keep the same mindset after repeating it 100 or 200 times?”

“I won’t regress that many times.”

I silently stared at Yoo Jonghyuk.

「 …Don’t tell me? 」 Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes slowly widened.

I kept speaking, “Are you having nightmares these days?”

“…”

“You won’t be saved, even if you save the world. The moment you save the world, the worlds you have forsaken will come to you. Despite saving one world, all the other worlds you abandoned will drag you to hell.”

- from further down in ch141

「 Yoo Jonghyuk felt lonely as he saw these watches. They got their time back but he still wasn’t

living in this time. Yoo Jonghyuk suddenly thought. If so, where do I live in those countless hours? 」

It was the monologue of Yoo Jonghyuk, who once saved the Demon World. It was also one of my favourite scenes from Ways of Survival.

I suddenly seemed to understand a bit of his mind. To the regressor Yoo Jonghyuk, the time in these worlds didn’t belong to him. In a life that could go back over and over again, the present time was meaningless.

Once this was over, I would ask Aileen to make me a watch. If he had something like this, he might become more attached to this world. Maybe the regression depression would get better…

- ch 207

A person who regressed more than a thousand times. A spirit that had become insensitive from the hundreds of suicides and tragedies that an individual could suffer. The extremely widespread regression depression…

「 Yoo Jonghyuk of the 1863rd round is the despair of the world itself. 」

- ch 285

Abnormal condition? There was no way. Who was the 1863rd regression Yoo Jonghyuk? This was Yoo Jonghyuk who was the Ruler of the East Hell and killed the Devil of Principles. There was no one among the constellations who could place an abnormal condition on the present Yoo Jonghyuk.

Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes were blank.

I felt uncomfortable like something was stuck in my throat. No, there was. There was only one person who could cause an abnormal status in Yoo Jonghyuk.

* The target is suffering from ‘regression depression’ due to an unknown cause.

It was Yoo Jonghyuk himself.

Regression depression. The spirit of the man who had been broken over 1863 lives made the regression depression almost a passive, low level skill. Once he fell into the depression, his consciousness was caught in the weight of his memories and he couldn’t wake up.

[Kill him! He isn’t invincible!]

The ruthless strikes caused Yoo Jonghyuk’s body to bleed little by little. It was strange. Originally, the regression depression shouldn’t occur in this situation. In the 1863rd round, Yoo Jonghyuk had learnt how to manage this disease.

- ch 286

then this REALLY LONG BIT from 287. it has stopped letting me indent for some reason so i guess ill bold this.

I knew how to wake up Yoo Jonghyuk from his regression depression. In other words, it meant I also knew how to sink him deeper into that melancholy.

I saw Yoo Jonghyuk’s fingertips moving and opened my mouth. “Do you remember? The 33rd round. You cleared the 40th scenario and Lee Jihye said this.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes dimmed and his moving fingertips stopped.

「 “It would be nice if Master didn’t have to go to the next round.” 」

“Think about it. You weren’t always unhappy. Right? In all the rounds, there were moments when you were happy.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s expression was becoming stiffer.

“The 173rd round. You protected Earth for quite some time. You also saw Lee Jihye receiving her high school diploma and Lee Seolhwa smiling at someone’s child.”

「 “Jonghyuk-ssi, are you happy that you’re alive?” 」

Every time I spoke, Yoo Jonghyuk’s expression collapsed. It wasn’t despair that broke down Yoo Jonghyuk.

“The 383rd round. You finally cleared the 75th scenario. Fortunately, nobody died in that round. That was the first time. Then Lee Hyunsung told you.”

「 “Jonghyuk-ssi, I won’t forget today until I die.” 」

The feather-like memories sank into his head.

“Then the 498th round…”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s palms moved to cover his ears. The usual Yoo Jonghyuk wouldn’t have fallen from this much. Now it was different. I held his hands and kept talking. “That happened 10 times.”

A human sank deeper into the water just because of the weight of these feathers.

“Twenty times.”

My breath clogged up and my lungs tightened. I could feel what Yoo Jonghyuk was going through. Only I could feel it. The most primitive darkness at the bottom of one person was swallowing his ego greedily.

“100 times. It repeated over 1,000 times.”

All those words were destroyed. All the happy memories flowed back to a time they could never return to. Through the countless regressions, the meaning of happiness faded. All the values he preserved became pieces of torn paper.

“Yoo Jonghyuk.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s self was sinking into the deep sea. It was to a place that he could never come up from without someone’s help.

“Have you protected all the things you wanted to keep?”

I looked at Yoo Jonghyuk’s miserable face and thought: Don’t worry Yoo Jonghyuk. I’ll do the rest. You stop and rest.

[Your understanding of the character ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’ is increasing explosively.]

Yoo Jonghyuk’s empty eyes were showing memories of losing his master. I didn’t use Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint but it wasn’t hard to read.

「 I want to die. 」

「 I want to finish all of this. 」

「 If only I can never wake up. 」

A few drops of rain fell from the sky. It was black rain made from the blood of the demon kings and constellations. Liquid also flowed onto Yoo Jonghyuk’s face. Yoo Jonghyuk’s gaze lowered and finally fell on me.

I was looking at the moment a human’s spirit collapsed. There was a broken voice. Like a creaking machine, Yoo Jonghyuk stammered, “Wh,at… should, I, d…o?”

i think this one is obviously very important.

then, the 'have you protected all you wanted to protect' stuff obviously reaches its culmination in the finale

⸢The regression depression.⸥

That was the only weakness of Yu Jung-Hyeok, who had repeatedly regressed for a very long time.

[In the 173rd turn. You managed to protect Earth for a pretty long time. You got to see Yi Ji-Hye receive her high school diploma, and you even got to see Yi Seol-Hwa smile with another’s child in her arms.]

The light in Yu Jung-Hyeok’s eyes was wavering.

⸢It wasn’t despair that could defeat Yu Jung-Hyeok.⸥

⸢Small feather-like memories settled down inside his head one by one.⸥

The ‘Dokkaebi King’ was using the exact same method I relied on back then.

⸢The breathing got harder, and the lungs were getting tighter.⸥

⸢A man drowning in water would sink even deeper under the surface from the weight of a mere feather.⸥

I couldn’t afford to idly watch on anymore. I shouted at Yu Jung-Hyeok, telling him to wake up, and not to fall for such an illusion.

However, my voice couldn’t reach them as if a non-conductive barrier was set up between us. And the ‘Dokkaebi King’ was smiling away, perhaps to mock this entire story.

[Yu Jung-Hyeok, have you protected all that you wanted to protect?]

Slowly, Yu Jung-Hyeok’s knees sank down.

I roused the Status of Fables. I needed to undo that ⸢Stage Transformation⸥ right now, But, how should I…

Grab.

There was a hand still tightly clutching mine. It was Han Su-Yeong.

“That’s not a battle you can interfere in.”

“But, if he’s left alone….!”

“….Even a star that can’t be seen still emits light. You said that, right?”

….A star that can’t be seen?

Her words made me look back at Yu Jung-Hyeok once more.

His gaze being lowered had come to a stop. Blinding sparks were completely enveloping him.

Tsu-chuchuchuchu….

Something was waking up his fading consciousness.

[Great Fable, ‘Ones that Remember the Apocalypse’, has begun its storytelling!]

That was a Fable I wasn’t aware of.

As the sparks lessened gradually, several silhouettes revealed themselves. Now that I took a closer look, Yu Jung-Hyeok wasn’t alone. No, four others were standing beside him.

A tall man, a young man with blonde hair, a girl with a ponytail, and finally…

[[He couldn’t protect anyone. That’s why he now stands in this place.]]

….An Archangel with blindingly-pure wings.

Astonishment quickly dyed the Dokkaebi King’s expression.

The Fable from the destroyed 999th turn was now burning brightly like the conflagration of end times on the edges of the Archangel’s blade.

[[Because he believes there are still things left to protect.]]

- from ch 508

Now here's a couple of tidbits about depression when it comes up for Other entities:

The fastest thing to get shaved away after becoming a Constellation was their own ‘Fable’. The more a Constellation depleted its story, the weaker its power would get. They would grow bored, disinterested, fall into depression, or lose themselves in tedium.

Constellations would desperately seek out other Fables in order to escape from such a quagmire. In other words, they would search for a new tragedy to escape from this horrible eternal cycle, even if it was only for a brief moment.

- ch 498

⸢[Constellation, ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’s’ ■■ is ‘Something that can’t be found’.]⸥

I had read what his ■■ was from the original novel. His description showed up when he became Yu Jung-Hyeok’s ally for a little while during the 1863rd turn.

⸢The evil dragon suffering from the worst possible depression in this <Star Stream>.⸥

The reason why the ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’ believed his age to be 15 was simply that he’d not be able to continue on if he didn’t.

A life stretching for thousands, no, tens of thousands of years, made an originally solitary dragon into such a creature.

In order to stop itself from decaying, he chose not to age. He chose not to lose his curiosity of the world. He chose to torment Incarnations or play bizarre pranks. And for his final prank, he even chose to betray the ‘Absolute Evil’, too. He stood on Yu Jung-Hyeok’s side and while mocking the <Star Stream>, breathed his last.

- ch 503

okay so

i think there are a couple of different ways to look at the regression depression in line with each of orv's 'themes'. of course despair at losing his comrades is the main primary emotion here, but there's subtler stuff going on here too.

for starters, the foundational components of any creature within the star stream is its stories. the more your stories are known and shared the more powerful they are, etc, etc. time and time again their shared stories are the thing to save them and ground them. but as we see with the hellscape of eternity, yjh begins to become isolated from the interpersonal aspect of the story as he loses the people he originally formed these stories with. the stories are how people communicate. as YJH progresses through his regressions he is unable to relate to the 'story' in the way you are supposed to, and this essentially causes a complete ego death. life no longer has any meaning for him, because he is fundamentally incapable of connecting with people. the [impossible communication] of a life and a burden that can't be shared.

then there's the [samsara] aspect - being worn down by the endless repetition of fate. everything is the same, over and over again, and yet we still delve into it hoping to get something new out of it. maybe the story will be different this time. ABFD was able to stave off depression by keeping himself in a state of permanent novelty - there was still something left to discover - but as YJH progresses through the regressions and falls deeper and deeper into repeating the same pattern, the tedium becomes too much. he has nothing new to experience. he has repeated everything this reality has to offer - or so he thinks - and it shows no sign of ever changing. if it's the same every time, why stick around? why not go again? it doesn't matter. none of it matters. you are just part of the wheel.

and if we think of it in terms of [good and evil] we see yjh slowly become something that almost any human being would call a monster. as kdj says in that conversation with anna croft near the end, "can you really call someone a human if you have to look so hard to find their humanity?" as far as it goes. yjh commits some atrocities! Because of said aforementioned removal from reality and ego death, he is able to fully justify any action it takes no matter how horrendous. and yet his noble goal never changes. undeniably, what he is by the end is some sort of monster. but still, of course, just a man. and he knows this. he feels himself slipping a little bit more, every regression. he knows its coming. and he doesn't want it. he wants to maintain his humanity.

but really i think we can almost best think of yjh's regression depression as almost his equivalent to the [fourth wall]. whereas the 4th wall is a unique passive skill that protects kim dokja by preventing him from fully conceptualizing what's happening to him as 'reality', the regression depression harms yjh by preventing him from conceptualizing what's happening to him as 'reality'. in a sense, his friends and loved ones have almost become 'characters' to him as well, as he already knows the way this story happens. he is an outsider, observing these beings interact with each other but not quite the same as them. he is an anachronism. this isn't his present. this is a present, one he can take or leave at any time. the thing yjh does in his later regressions - using people as tools - is something kdj does in the beginning of his journey. because, well, it doesnt matter if this isn't the 'real world'! they mirror each other.

that ended up being so much longer than i thought it would im sorry. i hope this was even like 10% helpful.

#orv #orv spoilers #yjh

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somebody-909 · 3 years

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Yeong-gi was arrested as a kid [I Love Yoo Theory]

In celebration of the return of my favourite webtoon, I thought I'd share the theory I shared on reddit a while ago about our favourite red head (revamped with pictures and extra discussion). This theory was eventually pretty much proven correct in Episode 112.

TLDR: Allusions to violent behaviour, a bad period of time where Yeong-gi was away, and stigmatized treatment resembling how you treat a criminal, lead me to believe that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort. He was then sent "away" somewhere for some time, likely either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents.

1. "How long has it been since you got out?"

In episode 16, when Kousuke visits Yeong-gi at Mrs. Lochlainn's (Yeong-gi's granny) place, he asks:

"How long has it been since you got out? Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then."

This suggests that Yeong-gi "got out" of some place/institution. The words "got out" are also quite ominous... (I would even argue that it implies being "locked" away). I find it hard to believe he would be using this for something that wasn't incredibly unpleasant/hard for Yeong-gi to get through. Kousuke proceeds to say, "Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then," confirming this implication.

I have seen a few possible interpretations of where Yeong-gi might've been "away" for a while. I personally think it's most likely something legal (juvie or juvenile delinquent related rehab), although others believe it might've been a mental institution, and others think it was a boarding school.

I see how "got out" could be used for the first two options easily, but the last one is a bit more shaky. "... since you left boarding school" might be a more natural way of referring to that, since it would have to be a really bad boarding school to refer to it in the way Kousuke does.

The following clues lean more towards Yeong-gi being away due to criminal reasons, however.

2. Treated like a delinquent.

The next clue and the biggest is how everyone treats Yeong-gi. His family treats him like a delinquent (I choose this word specifically because of its connotations... not just a troubled, hopeless kid... but more a kid you can't trust because he will be irresponsible and bad).

In episode 19, the students talk about how Yeong-gi hangs out with Soushi (who they think is a delinquent as seen in episode 20 probably bc he's a brown guy with a scar tbh TT)

"His family's got some great connections, that's the only reason I'm being friendly with the dude."

"But what's the point in doing that? He only hangs out with this delinquent from another school."

"You're joking..."

"I'm not! I saw him! Got a scar too... probably got it from a fight..."

"So it's true what they say then... Him being..."

"Shh! Don't say it out loud!"

They think Yeong-gi is hanging out with and is friends with a delinquent who they associate with having been violent. They immediately ask, "So is it true what they say then … Him being …"

What kind of rumour would they think is true if they saw Yeong-gi hanging out with a "thug"?

It would make sense to finish that question with "So is it true what they say then … Him being a criminal" or "a delinquent".

If we were to go with the mental hospital theory, it might work if they said "him being violent" but that doesn't really work as well here in relation to Soushi being a "delinquent."

There is a bit of nuance between what they would associate with someone with a criminal history, in comparison to someone who had been admitted to an institution for mental health issues, even if both possibilities were linked to violent outbursts.

As for his family, they treat him terribly. Like he's a screw up, a troublemaker. Not so much like someone with mental illness. I think by this point its clear that Yeong-gi made a big mistake, but what would be so bad that they treat him like this?

3. Hints of being "away" and having a criminal past.

There are several subtle hints that indicate Yeong-gi did have a criminal past of sorts. Or at least spent some time away.

Episode 79 - significant criminal past

When Yeong-gi and his father meet the lawyer about the assault and drug case in episode 79, the lawyer says:

"Your son does not have a significant criminal past."

Why not just say that he doesn't have "a criminal past" at all, period? Now this seems negligible, but Quimchee has used very subtle hints like this in the past so I wouldn't put it past her (eg. Yui calling Yeong-gi, "kid," and Kousuke "son," to indicate she is related to Kousuke and not Yeong-gi).

Episode 79 - Hansuke couldn't get to know Yeong-gi

Kousuke's cousin, Hansuke, states that he never got to know Yeong-gi back in their college days because:

"I was busy with my residency and [Yeong-gi] was… you know… "

This alludes to Yeong-gi having been unable to hang out because he had something going on...

Kousuke's Corner 2 and Episode 72 - a year behind

Yeong-gi is also a year older than Shin-Ae and his twelfth grade peers... Having any sort of legal trouble could cause a kid to flunk a year.

References to violent behaviour

In Episode 51, Kousuke mocks Yeong-gi, stating that he can have his assistant bring his punching bag if he needed an outlet for his frustrations.

Not being in "control" of his emotions is a recurring motif, with Yeong-gi's family members and even with himself.

Affinity for physical fitness (boxing) as a coping mechanism

I think it's significant that after being alluded to having had violent behaviour, his coping mechanism is something very physical. Boxing, interestingly, imitates violence.

Thematically fits with the end of the Black and White Formal arc

This is more my personal opinion... But I think Yeong-gi punching that pos Sangchul after constantly being passive aggressively criticized for violent behaviour is... cruelly fitting. Him being arrested and possibly repeating what had once happened, and after he had constantly been told not to repeat it, would be a sad parallel to what he once had to deal with.

Possible alternative explanations

TW: mentions of poor mental health and suicide attempts

I think it's most certain that Yeong-gi had legal trouble of some sort, likely due to a violent altercation, and that he was sent somewhere as a result of this incident.

Where he was actually sent to as a result, however, is a bit more shaky.

Since it was a minor criminal past, it's possible could've been simply arrested and not been sent to juvie at all. If his father was heavily involved in his life, he would likely have intervened if juvie became a possibility.

There are some who speculate Yeong-gi had very poor mental health, likely due to what happened with his mother and may have even attempted suicide. While this is possible, there isn't a lot to indicate past depressive or suicidal tendencies. For sure, his violent behaviour was coupled with poor mental health... but not necessarily poor mental health of this nature. I also feel that there is some nuance in how people would talk to Yeong-gi if his time away was precipitated by a suicide attempt. Someone who had self-harming tendencies isn't treated like a thug. Someone who beat up a kid might be though. (depressive tendencies could've been coupled with violence that caused his time "away," but once again, there is not a lot to really hint at severe depressive behaviours).

There are also theories of foster care, if his mother died (which seems to be the most likely scenario with her). I don't think this is the case because we have seen a young Yeong-gi interact with a young Kousuke. The two brothers (and their parents) were aware of each other. There is also his nana.

I think the most likely scenario is that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort.

He was then sent somewhere as a result: either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents, or an asylum (due to aggression issues). Regardless, it must have been tied to a violent incident, resulting in legal action and detention and possibly a follow up mental health related thing (rehab/asylum).

Episode 112's confirmation:

There is a vague flashback alluding to a period of time where Yeong-gi was in trouble, specifically stating

"Poor kid. No one is going to want him."

"Why not?"

"...Behavioural and aggression issues".

This alludes both to Yeong-gi getting into trouble for hurting someone, AND for being guardian-less for a period of time (no one "wanting him" seems to reference foster care or adoption).

Later in the episode, Yeong-gi's classmates gossip and say:

"Wasn't he at a detention centre for a bit?"

"I thought he was in an asylum?"

"He was sent somewhere for sure..."

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dwellordream · 3 years

Text

“...While on his travels Augustus would have continued to be preoccupied with the old issue of what would happen after his death. He had clearly demonstrated at the time of his departure that he could not manage without Marcus Agrippa, married at the time to Marcella, Octavia’s daughter. Agrippa now divorced her (her compensation was to be married to Iullus Antonius, the son of Antony and Fulvia), so as to be free in 21 to marry the widowed Julia. Plutarch says that this marriage came about through Octavia’s machinations and that she prevailed upon Augustus to accept the idea. It is not clear what her motives would have been.

If we are to believe Seneca we might see pure spite. He claimed that Octavia hated Livia after the death of Marcellus because the hopes of the imperial house passed now to Livia’s sons. This could well be no more than speculation, and Seneca does not even hint at any specific action by Octavia against her supposed rival. The whole story sounds typically Senecan in its denigration of dead individuals who are easy targets. Once again, we are told nothing about Livia’s reaction to the marriage. She might not have been able to object to the earlier marriage between Julia and Augustus’ nephew Marcellus, but in 21 the situation was different. Her older son, Tiberius, who was not yet married, had been passed over in favour of an outsider to the family.

But whatever his sense of obligation to his wife, Augustus probably felt that he had little choice in the matter. Agrippa’s earlier reaction to having to take second place to Marcellus, a blood relative of Augustus, would have provided a good hint to Augustus of how his friend would have taken to playing second string to Tiberius. Agrippa was now a key figure in the governing of Rome. He was not a man to be provoked. If Livia had been entertaining hopes that this early stage of a preeminent role for either of her sons (and such a suggestion, while reasonable, is totally speculative), such hopes would have faded with the birth of two sons to Julia and Agrippa.

Gaius Caesar was born in 20 bc, and, as if to confirm the line, a second son, Lucius Caesar, arrived in 17. Augustus was delighted, and soon after Lucius’ birth signalled his ultimate intentions by adopting both boys. He thus might envisage himself as being ‘‘succeeded’’ by Agrippa, who would in turn be succeeded by either Gaius and Lucius, who were, in a sense, sons of both men. In late 16 bc Augustus set out on an extended trip to Gaul and Spain, where he established a number of veteran settlements. Livia may have accompanied him. Dio does report speculation that the emperor went away so as to be able to conduct his affair with Terentia, the wife of his close confidant Maecenas, in a place where it would not attract gossip.

Even if the rumours were well founded, the implication need not necessarily follow that he had left Livia behind. Livia had a reputation as a femme complaisante, and Augustus may simply have wanted to get away from the prying eyes of the capital. Certainly at one stage Livia intervened with Augustus to argue for the grant of citizenship to a Gaul, and this trip provides the best context. Moreover, Seneca dates a famous incident to this trip, Livia’s plea on behalf of the accused Gaius Cornelius Cinna. It could well be that Seneca misdated the Cinna episode, but he at any rate clearly believed that Livia had been in Gaul with her husband at the relevant time.

…Agrippa lived to see the birth of two other children, his daughters Julia and Agrippina. The first (born about 19 bc) is the namesake of her mother, and, in the historical tradition, cut from the same cloth; the second was to be somewhat eclipsed in the same tradition by her own daughter and namesake, the mother of the last Julio-Claudian emperor, Nero. Agrippa thus became the natural father of four of Augustus’ grandchildren during his lifetime (a fifth would be born posthumously), and his stock rose higher with each event. He had served his princeps well, and could now take his final exit. In 13 he campaigned in the Balkans. At the end of the season he returned to Italy, where he fell ill, and in mid-March, 12 bc, he died.

His body was brought to Rome, where it was given a magnificent burial, and the remains were deposited in the Mausoleum of Augustus, even though Agrippa had earlier booked himself another site in the Campus Martius. In the following year Octavia died. She is celebrated by the sources as a paragon of every human virtue, whose only possible failings had been the forgivable ones of excessive loyalty to an undeserving husband and excessive grief over the death of a possibly only marginally more deserving son. As noted earlier, we should be cautious about Seneca’s claim that Octavia nursed a hatred for Livia after the death of Marcellus. But there can be no doubt that her death was in a sense advantageous to Livia, for it removed one of the main contenders for the role of the premier woman in the state. Only Augustus’ daughter Julia might now lay claim to a precedence of sorts, but she in fact became an agent in furthering Livia’s ambitions, rather than an obstacle. Once her formal period of mourning was over, Julia would need another husband. Suetonius says that her father carefully considered several options, even from among the equestrians.

Tiberius later claimed that Augustus pondered the idea of marrying her off to a political nonentity, someone noted for leading a retiring life and not involved in a political career. Among others he supposedly considered Gaius Proculeius, a close friend of the emperor and best known for the manner of his death rather than of his life: he committed suicide by what must have been a painful technique—swallowing gypsum. This drastic action was apparently not in response to the prospect of marriage to Julia but in despair over the unbearable pains in his stomach.

In 11 bc, the year of Octavia’s death, Augustus made his decision. He could hardly pass over one of Livia’s sons again. They were the only real choices, given the practical options open to him. Both were married, and Drusus’ wife was the daughter of Octavia, someone able already to produce offspring linked, at least indirectly, by blood to the princeps. Divorce in this case would not have been desirable. Augustus had already demonstrated his faith in Livia’s other son, Tiberius, by appointing him to replace Agrippa in the Balkans. He was the inevitable candidate for Julia’s next husband. In perhaps 20 or 19 Tiberius had married Agrippa’s daughter Vipsania, to whom he had long been betrothed. Their son Drusus was born in perhaps 14. In 11 Vipsania was pregnant for a second time, but Tiberius was obliged to divorce her, although he seems to have been genuinely attached to her. Reputedly when they met after the divorce he followed her with such a forlorn and tearful gaze that precautions were taken that their paths would never cross again.

He was now free to marry Julia. This marriage marks a milestone in Tiberius’ career and in the ambitions that Livia would naturally have nursed for her son. Augustus was clearly prepared to place him in an advantageous position, and the process could be revoked only with difficulty. It is inevitable that there should be speculation among modern scholars that Livia might have played a role in arranging the marriage. Gardthausen claimed that she brought it off in the teeth of vigorous opposition. Perhaps, but the suggestion belongs totally to the realm of speculation. If Livia did play some part in winning over Augustus, she did it so skilfully and unobtrusively that she has left no traces, and the sources are silent about any specific interference on this occasion.

Nor can it be assumed that Augustus would have needed a great deal of persuading. No serious store should be placed in the claims in the sources that he held Tiberius in general contempt and was reduced to turning to him faut de mieux. Suetonius quotes passages from Augustus’ correspondence that provide concrete evidence that the emperor in fact held his adopted son in high regard. Suetonius chose the extracts to show his appreciation of Tiberius’ military and administrative skills, but his words clearly suggest a high degree of affection that seems to go beyond the merely formulaic.

He addresses Tiberius as iucundissime, probably the equivalent in modern correspondence of ‘‘my very dear Tiberius.’’ He reveals that when he has a challenging problem or is feeling particularly annoyed at something, he yearns for his Tiberius (Tiberium meum desidero), and he notes that both he and Livia are tortured by the thought that her son might be overtaxing himself. Livia’s other son, Drusus, although arguably his brother’s match in military reputation and ability, seems to have been quite different from him in temperament. Where Tiberius was private, inhibited, uninterested in courting popularity, Drusus was affable, engaging, and well-liked, and there was a popular belief, probably naive, that he was committed to an eventual restoration of the republic. He had found a perfectly compatible wife in Antonia the Younger, a woman who commanded universal esteem and respect to the very end.

They produced two sons, both of whom would loom large on the stage of human events: Germanicus, who became the most loved man in the Roman empire and whose early death threatened to erode Livia’s popularity, and Claudius, whose physical limitations were an embarrassment to Livia and to other members of the imperial family, but who confounded them all by becoming an emperor of considerable acumen and ability. They also had a daughter, Livilla, who attained disrepute through her affair with the most loathed man in the early Roman empire, the notorious praetorian prefect Sejanus.

Drusus dominated the landscape in 9 bc. The year seemed to start auspiciously for Livia. In 13 bc the Senate had voted to consecrate the Ara Pacis, one of the great monuments of Augustus’ regime, as a memorial to his safe return from Spain and the pacification of Gaul. The dedication waited four years and finally took place in 9, on January 30, Livia’s birthday, perhaps her fiftieth. The honour was a profound one, but indirect and thus low-key, in keeping with Livia’s public persona. Her sons continued to achieve distinction on the battlefield. A decorated sword sheath of provincial workmanship has survived from this period.

It represents a frontal Livia with the nodus hairstyle, and shoulder locks carefully designed so as to flow along her shoulders above the drapery. She appears between two heads, almost certainly her sons, and the piece pictorially symbolises Livia at what must have been one of the most satisfying periods of her life. To cap her sense of well-being, Tiberius, after signal victories over the Dalmatians and Pannonians, returned to Rome to celebrate an ovation. Following the usual practice after a triumph or ovation, a dinner was given for the Senate in the Capitoline temple, and tables were set out for the people in front of private houses.

A separate banquet was arranged for the women. Its sponsors were Livia and Julia. Private tensions may already have arisen between Tiberius and Julia, but at least at the public level they were sedulously maintaining an outward image of marital harmony, and Livia was making her own contribution towards promoting that image. Similar festivities were planned to celebrate Drusus’ victories. Presumably in his case Livia would have joined Antonia, Drusus’ wife, in preparing the banquet, as she had joined Tiberius’ wife on the earlier occasion.

While Tiberius had been engaged in operations in Pannonia, Drusus had conducted a highly acclaimed campaign in Germany. By 9 bc he had succeeded in taking Roman arms as far as the river Elbe. So awesome were his achievements that greater powers felt the need to intervene. He was visited by the apparition of a giant barbarian woman, who told him—she conveniently spoke Latin—not to push his successes further. Something was clearly amiss in the divine timing. Suetonius implies that Drusus heeded the warning, but calamity befell him anyhow. In a riding accident Drusus’ horse toppled over onto him and broke his thigh. He fell gravely ill.

His deteriorating condition caused consternation throughout the Roman world, and it is even claimed that the enemy respected him so much that they declared a truce pending his recovery. (Similar claims were later made about his son Germanicus.) Tiberius had been campaigning in the Balkans at the time but had returned to Italy and was passing through Ticinum after the campaign when he heard that Drusus was sinking fast. Travelling the 290 km in a day and a night, a rate that Pliny thought impressive enough to record, he rushed to be with his brother. He reached him just before he died in September, 9 bc. Drusus was universally liked, and his death at the age of twenty-nine could not seriously be seen as benefitting anyone.

Nevertheless, it still managed to attract gossip and rumours. The death of a young prince of the imperial house would usually drag in the name of Livia as the prime suspect. In this instance such a scenario would have been totally implausible, and Augustus became the target of the innuendo instead. Tacitus reports that the tragedy evoked the same jaundiced reactions as would that of Germanicus, three decades later in the reign of Tiberius, that sons with ‘‘democratic’’ temperaments—civilia ingenia—did not please ruling fathers (Germanicus had been adopted by Tiberius).

Suetonius has preserved a tradition that Augustus, suspecting Drusus of republicanism, recalled him from his province and, when he declined to obey, had him poisoned. Suetonius thought the suggestion nonsensical, and he is surely correct. Augustus had shown great affection for the young man and in the Senate had named him joint heir with Gaius and Lucius. He also delivered a warm eulogy after his death. Even Tiberius’ grief was portrayed as twofaced. To illustrate Tiberius’ hatred for the members of his own family, Suetonius claims that he had earlier produced a letter in which his younger brother discussed with him the possibility of compelling Augustus to restore the republic.

But events seem to belie completely the notion of any serious fraternal strife. Tiberius’ anguish was clearly genuine. His general deportment is of special interest, because of the light that it might throw on his and Livia’s conduct later, at the funeral of Germanicus. According to Seneca, the troops were deeply distressed over the death and demanded Drusus’ body. Tiberius maintained that discipline had to be observed in grieving as well as fighting, and that the funeral was to be conducted with the dignity demanded by the Roman tradition. He repressed his own tears and was able to dampen the enthusiasm for a vulgar show of public grief.

Tiberius now set out with the body for Rome. Augustus went to Ticinum (Pavia) to meet the cortege, and because Seneca says that Livia accompanied the procession to Rome, it is probably safe to assume that she went with her husband. As she travelled, she was struck by the pyres that burned throughout the country and the crowds that came out to escort the funeral train. The event provides one of the few glimpses of Livia’s private emotions. She was crushed by the death and sought comfort from the philosopher Areus. On his advice, she uncharacteristically opened herself up to others. She put pictures of Drusus in public and private places and encouraged her acquaintances to talk about him.

But she maintained a respectable level of grief, which elicited the admiration of Seneca. Tiberius may well have learned from his mother the appropriateness of self-restraint in the face of private anguish. It was an attitude that was later to arouse considerable resentment against both of them. During the funeral in Rome, Tiberius delivered a eulogy in the Forum and Augustus another in the Circus Maximus, where the emperor expressed the hope that Gaius and Lucius would emulate Drusus.

The body was taken to the Campus Martius for cremation by the equestrians, and the funeral bier was surrounded by images of the Julian and the Claudian families. The ashes were deposited in Augustus’ mausoleum. The title of Germanicus was posthumously bestowed on Drusus and his descendants, and he was given the further honour of statues, an arch, and a cenotaph on the banks of the Rhine. Augustus composed the verses that appeared on his tomb and also wrote a prose account of his life. No doubt less distinguished Romans, of varied literary talent, would have written their own contributions.

The anonymous Consolatio ad Liviam represents itself as just such a composition, intended to offer comfort to Livia on this very occasion, although it was probably composed somewhat later. Livia was indeed devastated, but as some form of compensation for her terrible private loss, she now, after some thirty years in the shadows, came into greater public prominence. The final chapter of Drusus’ life seems to have opened up a new one in his mother’s.”

- Anthony A. Barrett, “In the Shadows.” in Livia: First Lady of Imperial Rome

#livia drusilla #octavian #livia first lady of imperial rome #anthony a. barrett #roman #ancient #history

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engelspolitics · 3 years

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History of Chinese Emperors

https://www.grunge.com/199249/the-tragic-history-of-chinese-emperors/

Chinese emperors existed for 4000 years; 49 dynasties, the longest of which lasted 289 years and the shortest lasted less than a year

About half of all emperors died in office/abdicated by choice; the rest was assassinated, forced to abdicate or commit suicide

Some emperors were very powerful absolute rulers; others basically gilded prisoners

Qin became first emperor of unified China in 221 BC through Total War and killing of his enemies, including brothers and sisters

Tang dynasty (618-907 CE) is widely regarded as the greatest of China's dynasties but their system of succession was so unstable that 12 direct heirs to the throne didn't survive long enough

Murdering happened into the last Quing dynasty (1644-1911)

Even unified China fell apart every now and then

As the Jin dynasty collapsed (266-420 CE) in the fourth and fifth centuries, China fragmented into multiple competing kingdoms.

Only one emperor in Chinese history was monogamous (Hongzhi)

Some emperors were insane

Fu Sheng → "one-eyed tyrant," half-blind; forbade the words like "missing" or "without," killing anyone who said them in his presence. He was deposed and killed in just two years for drunkenness, idiocy, and needless cruelty.

Liu Shan, abdicated in 263, was so incompetent his name is now idiom for idiot

Being related to an emperor was dangerous → long-standing Chinese tradition to execute entire generations of your enemy's family

Uprisings and rebellions were usually led by people eager to cull the imperial herd

Not safe in own home; concubines often murdered emperor or family members

Lives of concubines

As early as the Jin dynasty (266-420 CE) concubines were conscripts, chosen according to the particular criteria of that dynasty or emperor. For over fifteen hundred years, women and girls were kidnapped from or given away by their families

Foot binding was mandatory

Harems were full of jealousy and rivalry, and attacks/murders were common

Concubines belonged to emperor, who could kill him if he wanted

As part of the royal household concubines were often subject to purges as well and could be killed by competing sons or warlords

Well-performing concubines could be buried with the emperor upon his death

Four beauties → most beautiful women of ancient China (one may have been fictional)

Their stories come from four different dynasties and epitomized Chinese ideals of beauty

Xi Shi was sent by a rival king as revenge; so beautiful that fish would forget how to swim and sink below the surface upon seeing her reflection in the water

Bao Si was of surpassing beauty but never smiled apart from when the king repeatedly lighted the signal towers warning the kingdom of invasion. This aggravated his allies and when an invasion did happen he was left to his fate.

Wang Zhaojun sent away on accident

Diaochan so beautiful the moon would shy away when she looked at it

Foreign invaders ended many dynasties.

Qin Shi Huang began construction of the Great Wall to keep out the Xiongnu, who only vanquished after over 200 years of war

It took Genghis and Kublai 60 years to complete invasion and takeover of China

The Yuan dynasty they established lasted over 200 years.

The last Qing Dynasty, ended partially after a century of aggression and meddling by other imperial powers and is now known as the "Century of humiliation."

However also internal powers also brought down dynasties

without even counting events of 20th century, 4of the 10 bloodiest wars in human history were Chinese civil wars.

Most Chinese dynasties dealt with too many rebellions and revolutions to count

Especially uprisings of the Ming dynasty (1368-1644 CE) The Han (206 BCE-220 CE) and Qing (1636-1911 CE) dynasties

Song dynasty (960-1279 CE) is known by historians as economically prosperous and culturally dynamic but not politically stable

Six rebellions occurred in the Song's first 80 years, the country split in two by 1127, and was overwhelmed by internal unrest for decades on end before finally succumbing to the Mongols.

China's emperors were beset by religious and ethnic independence movements simmering for centuries before boiling over

The Han put down the Red Eyebrow rebellion, faced the Five Pecks of Rice Rebellion, and was then taken down by the Yellow Turbans.

The White Lotus, a political and religious group started during the Song dynasty, helped weaken the Qing before the anti-foreign, anti-imperialist Boxer rebellion ultimately exposed incompetence and the empire fell forever in 1911.

The Tang dynasty's (618-097 CE) Empress Wu Zetian was the only outright female monarch in Chinese history

Became a royal concubine at 14, finagled her way into the position of first consort, then empress consort, then empress dowager, before ruling openly as emperor.

Accomplished this by murdering her own infant daughter and blaming the emperor's wife who she then had killed too

After China was defeated in the First Sino-Japanese War the emperor pursued the Hundred Days of Reform to modernize the country and reshape the government.

The Empress Dowager Cixi disagreed with this and supported a coup against her own son, reversed the reform policies, and took power, ruling from behind a literal screen) until her death in 1908.

Reformist Emperor Wang Bang, only emperor of the ill-fated Xin dynasty (9-23 CE) was killed by a peasant uprising for his efforts.

China's emperors were anointed to lead as the literal Son of Heaven.

Anyone approaching, or approached by, the emperor had to kowtow → prostrate on their knees with their forehead touching the ground.

Emperor had fleet of custom-carriages and personal roads no one else could use

Emperor had own unique first-person pronoun.

The colour yellow had been associated with nobility since the Han but the Ming and Qing made it illegal for anyone else to wear.

Forbidden City consisted of 98 separate buildings, thousands of staff, and was a city functioning on its own

The Mandate of Heaven bestowed on all China's emperors was not a birthright but was earned and could be revoked → if emperors let country fall into poverty and chaos or lose face they were removed by force, frequently by their own generals.

Song dynasty was started by a military coup, then neglected the military and focussed on art but after centuries of fragile peace the empire fell to the Mongols.

There were massive coups involving millions of people and going on for years, like the one led by general An Lushan against the Tang dynasty which lasted eight years and cost up to 36 million lives.

A failed coup against Qin Shi Huang solidified his position as King of Qin, allowing him strength to become the first emperor of a unified China.

Gift-giving (guanxi, meaning relationships/connections) has been widespread in Chinese politics and business

Illicit income in the Ming and Qing dynasties was calculated by University of Missouri to be 14 to 20 times as much as official income.

#china #emperors

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infraaa · 3 years

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I HAD A FUCKING EXPLOSION THE OTHER DAY—

So if you follow me you know that sometimes I make Royal Chaos content. If you’re also a history geek like me you’d know that most of the heroes from RC if not all are based off of real people.

Six out of eight of the most beautiful people of Chinese history are in the game, being Pan’An, Song Yu, Prince Gao, who is also known as Lanling Wang for the men, and Diaochan, Zhaojun, and Yuhuan for the women.

The other two are missing: Wei Jie and Xi Shi.

But good news for you all because after some digging I found them. And they are SO CUTE! We need to make a petition for RC to put these characters into the game! I can DEFINITELY see the four most beautiful men and women having a connection with one another, like little hubs! 😫 But I know what you’re thinking now, maybe some of you. Royal Chaos shouldn’t take from other games! Oh, but my dearest reader, you do know that some of Royal Chaos’s characters are in different games too, right? It wouldn’t be “taking from,” now if they just stole the concept than yes it would be. It’s not like Sega took Mario and co for the Olympic Games, and Vice versa. It’s kind of like that in a sense. ☺️

So, with no further adieu, I bring to you...

✨Headcanons on what class they’d be in and what they can do, as well as background information!✨

Disclaimer: I’m terribly sorry if I spell any of this wrong, Chinese is not my first language and it’s hard to spell out in English. Also, tw // war and suicide mentions, as well as descriptions of murder and violence, just in case...

This is Xi Shi.

Her clothes actually remind me a lot of Diaochan’s with the colors, as well as the moon in the back, as per history, Diaochan was so beautiful the moon would shy away when being compared to her. Xi Shi on the other hand, was believed to be so beautiful that when fish would see her as they swam by, they would forget how to swim and sink to the bottom of whatever body of water they were swimming in. (Beauty can really kill huh?) Out of the four most beautiful women in ancient China, she was considered to be the first.

Her Background and Biography

Xi Shi was born in 506 BC on the nineteenth of July in China’s Zhejiang Province in a small village called Xi Cun, or “West Village.” Because a lot of people that lived there had “Shi” as a last name, and because she was born in the west, she was referred to as Xi Shi. She was born into a pretty ordinary household. Her father sold firewood for a living and her mother did silkwork. Ever since she was little, she would go out to this river to wash the silk that her mother had made. She lived during the Spring and Autumn Period, and within that time, China wasn’t a “whole country,” it was made up of several kingdoms fighting against each other. Xi Shi is from the state of Yue, which had been vanquished by the state of Wu. After that the Emperor of Yue, Gou Jian, was forced to serve the Emperor of Wu, Fu Chai, for three years. Gou Jian then thought of a plan to defeat the Wu State and take power back. He knew that the Fu Chai was a sucker for pretty women, and he also knew that if Fu Chai was surrounded with beautiful women, he would be too distracted to work for his state. But for this plan to work, Gou Jian needed to find a woman that had stunning beauty that was willing to sacrifice herself for the better of the country. Gou Jian found Xi Shi and he picked her. He then asked his minister, Fan Li, to take Xi Shi to Fu Chai as a tribute gift from Yue. On the way however, she fell in love with him, as he was wise and kind. He reciprocated her feelings in turn. Now, they could have escaped this plan and thwarted it but they were both loyal to their country. So, they made a pledge of their undying love for one another in secret. When she was brought before Fu Chai, he was indeed entranced by her, spending more and more time with her, neglecting his duties. After some time, he realized that he should not have been bewitched by her, as the Yue Stare had become more powerful due to his neglectful behavior. Gou Jian had invaded the state of Wu and forced Fu Chai to commit suicide. When this happened, Xi Shi’s mission was complete. The ending that I choose to believe is that she reunited with Fan Li and she lived on with him after he quit his job as a minister. The other ending is really grim...

Her Class and Quality

Xi Shi could definitely be a scholar, an AOE especially. I can imagine that she could do something similar to that of Diaochan, despite her being a medic. She could impact the opposing formations’ abilities to put damage on the formation shes defending using a debuff, much like Daji can do. I can see her being a Defense Hero and possibly having strength in Control for all these reasons, as well as real history, helping her state in the face of despair. She could be considered as a fabled hero, but could also be an epic hero considering the bloat of the fabled class making up mostly half of the hero cast as a whole.

Her Possible Abilities

Chant of Heroism

She can attack anywhere from 4 to 8 times descending on CRIT, dealing 60%+164 DMG to a random front enemy with each hit, lasting one round. Until three layers are tagged, the enemy will lose anywhere from 15 to 25 HP, decreasing DEF by 4%.

Promising Honor

50:50 chance of tagging a back or front target. Allies then force attention to the front if the tag is in the back, dealing 5% more damage. This tag cannot be dispelled for two rounds.

Her Preferred Gems and Treasure

Gems: DEF, ATK, ACC

Treasure: Primarily something with a DEF bonus, so the lamps, each one activating her Destiny ability. However, any other treasure that offers an ATK or RES bonus is also good.

Her Occupation

I can imagine her working in the Ministry of Defense as a General, much like Wen Ruyan. For her other occupation, she could be a poet of some kind, probably a primary or mid poet, something like that, or she could be a primary chess sage.

Hero Compatibility

She could work with other scholars that can do some damage, namely Song Yu and Ying Zheng. She could also work with medics depending on their skill set. Diaochan would be a prime choice.

~~~~

The guy on the right is Wei Jie.

Look at that cat! (´⊙ω⊙`) But for real, this poor guy. He reminds me of the “gentle giant” archetype. Not just because of his looks, no, he’s actually ill with some kind of disease. (I have a head canon that it’s AIDS/HIV, but I don’t have a lot of evidence to support that right now. All I know is that his immune system is very weak to infection and he has respiratory problems and it’s just that he’s very weak overall...) Despite his health however, he’s actually compared to Jade, being like a jade doll. Jade is very valuable in China and is considered to be a very precious stone, especially in the eyes of aristocrats and royalty. Out of the four most handsome men in ancient China, he was considered as the fourth.

His Background and Biography

(I had to use multiple resources for this, I couldn’t find a lot of information on him, so I had to get creative. Sorry!)

Wei Jie, like Pan’An, also lived during the Xi Jin (Western Jin) Dynasty. He was born into a very wealthy household, and was recognized for his beauty alone at the age of five. His uncle, who also had extraordinary good looks, said that walking with his nephew was like “having a gleaming pearl at my side.” He had fans from far and wide, causing chaos and the forming of something along the lines of a twisted harem to form under his shadow. When Wei Jie grew up, this only got worse. Hoards of women would literally block the streets and chase after him because they all wanted him so badly, which this caused a lot of backlash onto his family. Because his family was aristocratic, they had to keep a sensible reputation. People were jealous of the Wei family because of the immense wealth and beauty that they all possessed. Luckily, Wei Jie couldn’t go out that often, as he doesn’t have a strong body, and has been ill since his infancy. He wasn’t allowed to go out during his childhood because of the fear that whatever ailment he had could spread. Because of this belief and the immense jealousy that others had, most of his family, with the exception of his father, fifth uncle, and cousin, were all murdered quite brutally. This lead him to be the young master of the Wei Manor. This pattern of not going out a lot and things continued on for some time. He would go out on occasion if he really needed something, and he didn’t necessarily like all the attention he brought to himself unknowingly. He grew easily overwhelmed by it and constantly sought to get away from the large groups of people that swarmed him. This anxiety and stress of attention exhausted him, and he actually passed from all that exhaustion. He was “watched to death,” as people said. Poor guy... he just wanted to be alone... let us introverts be!

His Class and Quality

Oh, he’s a medic, for sure. I know also that he was an imperial physician in the game I found him from, but he only worked on commission, if that makes sense, like if people actually wanted to be treated by him. He would kind of be like a better version of Shizhen. Very agile and quick, but also the more you get to him, his attack rate can slowly increase. I can see him being some kind of control hero. Back Support too, that would make sense. So control + support. He would be in Fabled Class, definitely. Props to him!

His Possible Abilities

Jade Solstice

Chanting a medical spell from his calabash gourd, he can stun a front line enemy for one round, lowering 20 rage. If a critical is achieved, they will turn chaotic and attack other members of their formation for one round, taking away 15% of the enemies overall DEF and then giving it to his other formation members.

Internal Grace

Shielding himself using the gourd’s energy, he gains 10% RES. Any rage prompted attack he makes will grant him 2% more ATK bonus points for one round, increasing the formation’s overall CRIT by 10%. This can be layered twice and cannot be dispelled or immune to.

His Preferred Gems and Treasure

Gems: HP, CRIT, ATK

Treasure: To increase damage while keeping DEF, use the stamps. However, any CRIT or ATK bonus treasure is good too, just as long as it buffs his accuracy as well!

His Occupation

This is where it got tricky. I would assume he would work alongside Pan’An in the Ministry of Rites where they would compose poems together. It’s just that since he can’t actually go out too much that’s where it gets a little complicated. He could probably act as some kind of moderator or something along those lines, something where he wouldn’t have to deal with people that much.

Hero Compatibility

He would need strong tanks to help him out. Prince Gao, Prince Jing, or even Xiang Yu would be good for him. He would also want heroes that would boost his abilities even more, gotta have that support, you know? Wu Zetian, Yuhuan, or Pan’An would be good choices.

~~~~

Now for the final part...

✨Connections✨

Xi Shi

I think they’re’s already a connection that has Zhaojun, Diaochan, and Yuhuan in it. I would take that and add Xi Shi into the connection, but also bring her attributes to the table, in summary. What I mean by that is take her attributes and summarize them into one. So her strongest asset would be the fact that she could be an AOE with a control bonus. She could add ACC and DEF to the table to help with your formation if activated.

Wei Jie

Just like the ladies, I know there’s already a connection with Pan’An, Song Yu, and Prince Gao in it. Same deal, take it, put him in it, and add his summarized ability. He could be a Medic with strength in CRIT. So, he could bring CRIT to the table, obviously, as well as extra ATK buffs if activated.

~~~~

To conclude, *coughs as if to clear throat* Xi Shi, Wei Jie. We need to add them. The quartets aren’t filled up yet. Wouldn’t it be a surprise for them to finally come together in gorgeous matrimony as the queens they are? All heroes are queens. Plain and simple, not matter how awful their skill sets may be at times. (We see you, Shizhen. You matter, even though his skill set isn’t the best he’s still kinda great 😅)

#royal chaos headcanons #royal chaos #fabled hero headcanons #headcanons #royal chaos theories #infrawrites #tw //

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ruffboijuliaburnsides · 4 years

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have you ever dressed up for halloween or for like a costume party? what's your favorite thing you've worn? do you like wearing jewelry? do you listen to podcasts?what's an interesting historical event you know a little about? when do you feel the most comfortable? do you have any piercings or tattoos? Are there any you'd like to get? what's one thing you're proud of?

Wow, All in huh??? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

1) Have I ever dressed up for halloween or for a costume party? NNNNNNNNOT REALLY. I wasn’t allowed to do Halloween after the age of like. Five? Because my parents got MORE religious than they’d already been and they decided halloween was evil. And then as an adult I didn’t have a lot of local friends or money so... not really most of the time. BUT! There was ONE YEAR when I was in my mid-20s, that my wife and I went to a Halloween party with some local friends. She was Death of the Endless, we dyed her hair black, I did her eye makeup, there was a cardboard-covered-in-tinfoil ankh necklace and everything. I that year dressed up as Delirium to go with her. I bought fishnets that I tore a couple holes in, had some clompy boots, bought a skirt and shirt at the thrift store, and dyed my hair... like Half of it was red, half of it was just random spots of bleached, blue, and green. (I actually went to a job interview the next day and frantically reassured the interviewer that I was bleaching my hair and dying it a more natural color later that week) It was very fun as a costume tho. OH tho last year for halloween I loaned my wife a purple dress I sewed for myself and we got her some white tights and a white scarf, and I dug out my purple henley and and jeans some bandaids for my face and fingers, and we went as Hawkeye for Halloween. She was Kate Bishop and I was Clint Barton. That was probably my favorite even tho it was so low-effort. 1.5) On its own line, I think this “what’s the fave you’ve worn” was meant to be about the costumes, which I answered above, but IN GENERAL the thing I’ve worn that’s my favorite has been

Do I like wearing jewelry? I do like wearing jewelry! I need to get new earrings bc the ones I had got lost, but I used to always wear like, small gauge horseshoe earrings with the balls that screw onto the ends? I just lost the balls on the ends. I also wear a necklace every day. And I used to have a wedding band but I don’t have one that fits currently and it drives me NUTS bc even years without it I feel like I should have a ring on that finger.

Do I listen to podcasts? I listen to podcasts off and on! Mostly MBMBAM, The Magnus Archives, The Penumbra Podcast, and Faculty of Horror. We relisten to early WtNV to sleep sometimes, and I keep meaning to catch up on TAZ, but that’s not active yet.

What’s an interesting historical event I know something about? ...Gosh that’s hard. Like, I know some stuff about historical eras or cultures but EVENTS??? Hmmm... I. Fuck. I abruptly cannot think of ANY HISTORICAL EVENT AT ALL. I’m a fucking History Major this is embarrassing. Uh okay so... I can’t think of anything. I’m so sorry. XD

When do I feel most comfortable? When I’m curled up in bed and have Birdie pressed against my back with her arm around my waist. Bonus points for literally any of our other partners in bed as well, but that happens so rarely. :(

Do I have any piercings or tattoos? I DO! Piercings are easiest. I have my left lobe pierced 3 times (though all but the first might be closed) and my right 2 times (tho ditto), and the upper shell of my left ear once (but again, closed). TATTOOS gosh, ok I have, in chronological order: a) a sort of cross between a cross and a peace sign on the inside of my left ankle. I got it when I was 18 and still a Good Christian Girl, my church bff designed it, it stood for peace in Christ, and the only thing stopping me from trying to get a coverup is the fact that it’s REALLY heavy/thick black work, and the location which was really painful. b) the kanji 天使 (which translates to “angel”) on my right inner forearm, over self harm scars specifically. I got this when I was 19 and back living with my bigoted conservative family and suicidal and trying to remind myself that I was loved. I also picked it out of a book and was lucky that book had the right kanji tbh, but I picked it bc my parents wouldn’t be able to read it, and it meant “angel” which was Birdie’s pet name for me at the time, and she was living across the country from me. If I could go back, I would get a different angel-themed tattoo in the same place, but at least I have the proper kanji for it if I’m going to have an ill-advised Japanese tattoo. c) a little curled ivy tramp stamp I picked out of a book in a little tattoo shop on St. Mark’s Place in NYC at like 2am, do NOT ask, it was dumb. Thankfully easier to work into a larger piece if I ever have the money for a back piece. d) text that is now near-illegible (due to the delicate nature of the script and the time since I got it) on the back of my left shoulder. It says “the universe has been waiting for me” in Birdie’s handwriting. It’s a line from Donna Noble’s last episode of Doctor Who, and I had FEELINGS. e) text on the inside of my left wrist that says “alive or dead, the truth won’t rest.” specifically in courier new. It’s a quote from @seananmcguire‘s book FEED, and Birdie has a matching tattoo on her wrist as well. f) A tattoo of Coyote and the Sun, with color, on the outer side of my right calf. It’s the only colored Tattoo I have. I plan to get a semi-matching tattoo on my left calf that is El-Ahrairah and the Black Rabbit of Inle doing sort of a yin-yang esque circle chasing each other. it’s a Trickster thing, tying animals commonly considered to be Tricksters with stuff that is meaningful to me. Coyotes have always been important to me, I grew up in Arizona there were always coyotes about and I always loved them, and then Watership Down was a surprise true love of a book when I was a teen.

Are there any piercings/tattoos I’d like to get? Piercings not so much. Maybe an eyebrow one day idk. Tattoos tho, goddamn, I’ve got SO MANY PLANS. I want to get text tattoos - either part of a larger text-heavy design or separately - of “It’s chaos, be kind”, “You are not obligated to complete the work, neither are you free to abandon it”, and “Do good recklessly”. Other quotes I’m sure but those three specifically. Obviously the Watership Down/Rabbit the Trickster tattoo I mentioned. Also a design from one of the tattoos on one of the guards of the Pazyriyk ice maiden. Also ngl I kinda want to get the sigils for witcher signs on the backs of my fingers. Some people get “THUG LYFE” or “FUCK YOU”, I get “I WILL FUCK YOU UP (in symbolic form)” XD

What’s one thing I’m proud of? The fact that I’m alive. ...Seriously, I’m quite proud of that, I’ve had some shit years in my life, and I’ve nearly not made it more than once. I’m proud as HELL that I’m here. I’m proud that I’m in college. I’m proud that I’m writing again.

Thank you for all these questions! So many, lmao, but I loved it, thank you. ^_^

#askbox meme #ASK ME ANYTHING ON ANON!#Anonymous #audience with the gods

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prosopopeya · 4 years

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New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go? food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s.

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

#happy new year #annual meme

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thechiyodan · 3 years

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That "hehehe Americans don't remember the foreign language they took in high school" post is now starting to make me laugh bc its a bunch of barely 20 year olds acting like they know how the American society works better than actual americans

Most countries have English as a mandatory class, American high schools have foreign languages as an elective, and our workplaces are so draining on our free time that after a grueling week of work no one wants to sit down and do some Spanish homework

Like no I don't remember high school French because I was too busy struggling to put a roof over my head with multiple jobs, deciding if I needed food more than my meds, dealing with my father's suicide, being caught in an abusive relationship, and dealing with childhood traumas and multiple illnesses both mental and physical for the last 15 years to remember how to ask where the library is

But you know

Americans are so stupid, wig!

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mermadrid96 · 3 years

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At 23 I had every reason to feel invincible. I walked out of post secondary already two years in my career field and paid off my debt. I had to keep moving. Get the apartment alone and continue on what I wanted to be my long journey of being someone worth remembering.

I don’t have any extreme addiction issues. Other than pot..that doesn’t count right? It probably does.

I just hold a deep sadness and obsession with suicidal ideation. The first time I tried to kill myself I was nine. I remember resisting the urge to jump in front of the subway long before that, probably 3 or 4 standing with my grandma going to church.

Like most, mental illness runs on both sides of my family. It’s true that you feel a sense of ease about letting yourself be ill when it’s already hereditary.

Distraction is the best way to manage most of my issues. Friends, movies, family. Working. I try to exercise and I’m sure doing that would help a lot more, but my main passion is sleep. Sleep is the closest to death us cowards of suicide can get. I dream a lot more now that I’ve been able to shake the constant weed smoking. I barely remember them and their usually shitty modifications of what’s happening in my world. But I’d take it over exhausted rest anyway.

When I got to Kingston in sept 2019 I was already sceptical. But it was easy to distract that away, new school new job new city to explore and a way to reinvent the version of myself I spent 23 years hating. Obviously, for someone so naturally fucking lazy and obsessed with the idea of being a tragedy headline, it didn’t work out. I went out and met people as usually encouraged by my friends back home. I got a job because I could not come off a lazy (I lasted one whole training shift before my sister let take the cop out I was giving myself) and I did my homework.

I’m not sure why I was so insistent on proving I could do this, when I already knew I couldn’t. Somehow, between touring the school and moving in six months later, I told myself every step of the way it was too late to look back. You’d be letting everyone down when you’ve finally earned a decent family title back.

It’s funny that sitting here at 25, almost finished with the youth therapy I transitioned to, I feel the same type of way.

I’ve gotten every therapist I’ve met with to beam with pride during sessions, something that is obviously more than necessary for me, I’ve been given the “stable label” by each psychiatrist, graduated each group therapy, and regained the family perspective of “she’s doing great now, actually.”

Falling back into needing more help than I did before isn’t an option. Letting small things like a credit card compromise, the death of a family pet or being in the middle of a domestic wasn’t an excuse to let your mental state become as fragile as it was.

The skills are on the papers, the binder is Color coded and you have the self help numbers now. You’re cured and everyone can get onboard with that. No one wants to get onboard with the heartache of watching a family member be shitty again. Or A friend that barely answers and is more selfish than the completely selfless person they chose to stay friends with through a hard time.

I do find a lot of what I’ve done will save me. But mostly, I know killing myself would save me. So where has any of this gotten me? Just in more debt than I ever was at the beginning, and three years behind my timeline, might as well just give in and let myself come to peace.

I’ve read more stories about established people who have gone through the same thoughts-with much worse circumstances- and their endings, while positive, aren’t what I see as happy. I mean- they didn’t kill themselves? And their not on an island alone with zero responsibilities or people to disappoint- so who cares? None these articles have left me satisfied. Just with a sense of reality; life isn’t great. And if you can’t handle your own shit well; you’ll probably have to go through it sober too.

A lot of my false worlds pictures me back in high school- being able to reinvent everything- getting more into the arts and then a college program that would actually make me money and was nothing close to the Hunan services sector; where all bleeding hearts come to die poor and with back problems. Enjoying things truly instead of not realizing 16 would of been the best opportunity I had to off myself. Immortalized before even living- a lazy cowards dream.

I keep hearing how much of my life o have left to figure things out, bc you know, 20s. But that’ll end in 5 years and then I’ll be asking what I’ve done to get where I want. Well I’ve napped and ignored a budget. Contemplated a lot and taken chances I didn’t want and missed ones that might of worked. Basically, always considering what if to the point where it’s wasted.

I feel full when I’m with my family, when I’m able to laugh with friends and when I’m able to think through these harder days. And, as any caring professional would say- when I’m enjoying my job. There is some truth to this being a profession and a passion. I’m proud of what I’ve done, but I can tell you I’d be just as proud of taking more vacations and a new front car bumper.

I also feel full when I can just cry uninterrupted, when I’ve accepted my plans for suicide and can let go of all conscious responsibility, when I’ve hurt myself, and whenever I don’t need to set an alarm to wake up.

#mentally unstable #mental illness #text post #tumblr

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kittybellestark · 4 years

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Okay I think Time Can Heal All, But Maybe Not This has been out long enough that I can actually talk about it

If you haven’t read TCHABMNT yet there’s gonna be some spoilers but you can find it here

EDIT: I forgot to talk about May bc I did this at night when I was really tired and my brain just wanted to talk about Peter ig, that is my absolute bad so I added that in everything else is the same tho

So obvs y’all know I had troubles with getting it published here and there’s still been some struggles but I wanna actually talk about the story.

So I started writing it a few months ago but only got 7 paragraphs in before not knowing where to bring the story. Originally the line “And Peter is terrified” was supposed to end that paragraph.

After that the fic was going to be all fluff and Harley and Tony trying to reassure Peter that his insecurities aren’t going to come to fruition.

But then I had a bad day. And the story had been sitting in my drafts forever. So I figured out how to continue the story.

Make Peter feel alone.

I had to keep the snap canon because otherwise there’s be no other plausible way for all of Peter’s family to just ditch him and for Flash and Peter to become friends.

I had to make it so that everyone in Peter’s life moved on without him.

So May moved to Italy and has a boyfriend who Peter assumes will be her husband by the time he’s 20, she has her dream job and is doing what she loves.

She moved out to Italy to forget Peter. It was for selfish reasons, she lost everything in her life, her husband, his family (Peter’s parents), her parents had died years prior and now Peter is also dead. She’s left alone and she doesn’t know what to do. So May moves to Italy to forget Peter and forget the pain and grief she feels. She doesn’t want to remember him.

By trying to forget she finds a new life. She’s a version of who Peter could have become. May is alone with no one, left behind in a world that lost everything. She has a new family and she can’t give it all up to move half way across the world. May would be uprooting her whole family. She moved on from Peter. Tried her hardest to forget him.

May wants to have a relationship with Peter, she just mentally cannot handle having him back in her life because then that opens up the possibility of Ben being back in her life, or her parents, or Peter’s parents even. By acknowledging that Peter is back for more than a phone call or a FaceTime it’ll send her spiraling. May has crafted this reality for herself and it is safe and she cannot give it up.

She loves Peter, of course she does, but having him back will only hurt her more.

I still think it’s canon, in this story, that Tony reversed what Thanos did for Peter. And I couldn’t just kill Tony off either because that wouldn’t really be as painful as Peter just not having contact with him after everything.

It’s not because Tony just forgot Peter existed that they don’t really talk at the beginning. Obviously the affect of snapping left Tony seriously injuries and I referenced that in the story, “…Tony needed a lot more attention after the snap due to his injuries…” so Peter doesn’t really have the full idea of what his injuries are like, but I imagine pretty horrible, which would mean that Pepper wouldn’t be able to move him very soon.

Not to mention Morgan, who is born post snap and now the world had doubled in population and suddenly her father is so badly injuries he can’t be moved. That’s traumatizing on a child of her age, and then try and move her into the city?? That’s going to cause lasting affects on her mental health so of course the Starks are going to do what they can for Peter, but they have some really big things they need to deal with too.

But the Starks did move back into the city for him, it’s just a little late, because Peter is now going away for school. It’s not that they didn’t put an effort in to be with him, it’s just that they were spread thin between the Tony’s recovery, having Morgan cope, the company, what’s left of the avengers, trying and get themselves back to the city and being in the midst of what is probably an economic crisis.

When Peter turns 22 there’s a line “Just some empty seats and empty promises,” which isn’t much to go on, but a little bit later when Peter is thirty I wrote that Tony also has an 8 year old son. So Tony and Pepper were supposed to go to Peter’s MIT graduation, but she went into labour and they couldn’t go. It’s such a small little thing that’d be easily missed, but I wanted to sprinkle in that Tony and Pepper were trying to make an effort with Peter at least. But then they have another kid and being parents is hard enough, but now two kids? That’s hard, they’re going to forgot to prioritize Peter, especially when he hasn’t been a priority yet.

I felt it was important to give Peter someone though. Which is why Peter and Flash are friends through the story. It’s unlikely, and it wouldn’t have happened had they not been left behind. In the beginning I had wanted to have Flash and Peter get together romantically at some point, but that felt like a cop out, and too predictable. Which is why Flash ended up with Peter’s P.A, Gwen (yes Gwen Stacy). Having Flash move on with his life could either give Peter the idea that he could have what Flash has, because they’ve been in the same boat forever, or it could lead him to think that he’s incapable of having a life like that.

I had originally written that Peter tells Flash about Spider-Man, about how he can’t put on his suit without getting really bad flashbacks and panic attacks about what happened. But I didn’t want to turn this story to be about Spider-Man, because it’s not. This isn’t about Spider-Man’s struggles to get the suit back on and save people, this is about Peter’s struggles with mental health and his addiction. In my head Peter told Flash when they were still in high school, sitting on the bleachers in the evening, drinking a bottle of whiskey that Flash stole from his Dad’s liquor cabinet, which would also be the beginning to Peter’s alcoholism. But I ultimately didn’t feel like it was necessary to add to the story. It is something I’m willing to write out in the future though.

It felt really important for me to make everything in the story connect with each other. Peter goes to school at MIT, which is in Boston, where Ned lived when he was an adult (and we know that’s also where Tony went to school), and Peter is in California when he meets Harley again, where MJ went to school (Tony also previously lived in Cali). Everything needed to be connected to the life Peter lost. Which is also why there are so many similarities in Peter’s life now and Tony’s life before he settled down.

Tony went to MIT, well now so does Peter. Tony is an alcoholic with preference for whiskey? Yeah, Peter too. Tony is pretty much alone except for Rhodey? Peter is also alone, but he has Flash. Tony had suicidal and self-destructive tendencies? Peter has only tried killing himself multiple times. By making Peter into a version of Tony, it brings a reference to SM:HC, where Peter says after the ferry boat accident, “I just wanted to be like you” and Tony responds “And I wanted you to be better.” Peter is Tony, he’s just found fame and fortune at a different time, runs his own company and makes ground-breaking research that will help the world.

It’s why Peter is so hurt when he’s called (look a SM:FFH reference) “The Next Tony Stark.” He already is Tony Stark, except he doesn’t have the happiness or the family Tony currently has. Peter just has Flash and his assistant Gwen (just like young Tony only had Rhodey and Pepper). Peter being a version of Tony Stark, he can’t really see an escape. He is so horribly hurt and the only way he can see there being peace in his life is if he isn’t alive. Which is why he continues to try and kill himself.

I didn’t want Peter to die though, I wanted him to find something that would make life tolerable. Which is why I reintroduced Harley. Peter tries to ignore Harley, pretend he doesn’t recognize him, because Peter doesn’t want to remember his past and who he was and what he lost anymore. Harley being there is such a big reminder of who he used to be and who he wants to be, that Peter wants Harley to go away. He doesn’t acknowledge that he knows Harley, even when Harley all but says ‘I’m Harley Keener’ to Peter. At this point in the story Peter made up his mind that he is going to die. There was no other option, but then this beacon of hope shows up and Peter doesn’t want it anymore.

I think by reintroducing Harley it was important to never say that Peter and Harley end up together or that they’re still in contact. I left that pretty open ended because Harley just swooped in at the last second and stopped Peter from killing himself. Peter’s recovery is clearly not an easy one because that was when Peter is 30 and it’s only when Peter turns 32 that he’s one month sober. It was important that you don’t know who is Peter’s family. Because maybe it’s not the Starks or MJ and Ned or Harley or May. Maybe Peter moved on from his past they way they all had and has finally made peace with life, or maybe Peter’s past is now in his life again and he’s happy because he has what he always missed.

Everything in this story was so deliberate and there’s so much that I did that’s just these small little things and I love it so much. I think it was important to see Peter struggle with life and death and his mental illnesses.

So yeah, I’m completely in love with this story and if you guys have any questions about it please send me some asks and I’ll totally answer them, I’m just not over this story yet and I really want to talk about it some more !!

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southsidestory · 4 years

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you have bipolar disorder? how did you get to that conclusion? did you go to a doctor? i don’t want to self diagnose but i’ve read up on it a lot and it seems like my grandfather, father, and i have it. its made life super difficult. I even stopped writing ff bc when i posted, people wouldn’t understand how depressive episode make you not want to do anything for literal months at a time and would berate me for not updating 1/2

2/2 and my family is Mexican so they believe that mental illness is an American Thing, so i cant really go to them for help, and i wouldn’t even know where to begin with a doctor. what was your experience with it?

I did go to a psychiatrist, yes, but I had been experiencing symptoms since I was 12. I was 26 when I was finally correctly diagnosed. Before that I’d been misdiagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and put on a cocktail of meds that mostly made me worse. Being correctly diagnosed is hugely important, and I highly recommend that someone see a psychiatrist rather than self diagnosing.

But. Not everyone has the privilege of easy access to a psychiatrist, and it sounds like you’re in that category. And I can say from personal experience that I knew I was bipolar before I was diagnosed, because it runs in my family and my symptoms were astoundingly obvious by that point. Since you asked, I’ll tell you about my experience.

As I said, I started experiencing bipolar symptoms when I was a kid. I also have PTSD and GAD, and my anxiety has been with me all my life, but my depression started when I was 12. A nurse practitioner put me on the antidepressant Lexapro, which made me worse--because antidepressants don’t work for bipolar people. Our brains aren’t wired for it. So I quit taking Lexapro and didn’t attempt to treat my mental illness with medicine for the next ten years.

I also started having hypomanic episodes as a young teenager, but I didn’t recognize them for what they were. I wouldn’t sleep for days and I’d be highly productive and feel great, so why would I complain about that or think it’s a problem? But the longer I went untreated the more severe my episodes became and the longer they lasted, and by the time I hit my 20s I was in a really bad place. Depressed 85% of the time, hypomanic 10% (although I didn’t know that’s what it was), and “normal” about 5%. My depressive episodes often lasted for months at a time, briefly broken by a week or two of hypomania, after which I’d plummet right back into depression.

I went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner when I was 22. He assumed I was depressed and put me on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. That mostly made me worse. The only thing that ever really worked was Abilify, which is an atypical antipsychotic shockingly used to treat bipolar disorder. That really should have been a fucking clue, but I went improperly diagnosed for another four years.

Being on a cocktail of the wrong meds made me worse, which led me to stop taking my meds cold turkey, which is always a bad idea. In April 2016 I had a horrible mixed episode, although I didn’t understand what it was then. For those who don’t know, a mixed episode is when someone is manic and depressed at the same time, and it’s pure hell. During my episode, I broke up with my partner right before our first wedding anniversary, quit my job, and almost committed suicide. (Then I moved back home and my mom promptly died, but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.)

Fortunately my partner and I got back together, and they helped me figure out what was going on. They’re also bipolar, but unlike me they were diagnosed as a kid, and our symptoms presented differently so that’s probably why neither of us saw it for a long time.

I finally saw a psychiatrist at the beginning of 2017, and I went in already knowing what I was going to hear. My mom had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple of years before she died, so I knew it ran in my family. My symptoms had worsened significantly and my hypomania had finally become so distinct and unhealthy that it couldn’t be overlooked anymore.

None of my previous health care providers had ever asked me, “What do you feel like when you’re at your happiest?” If they had, it would have probably been obvious that I suffer from bipolar disorder, not unipolar depression. Because my “happiest” looks like extreme periods of creative productivity, days or weeks of insomnia, and some very bad decision making lol. Usually followed by a crash landing back into depression.

So I guess that’s my question for you. What do you feel like when you’re at your happiest? If your “up” periods sound like hypomania or mania, which I’m sure you’ve read about, then yeah there’s a good chance you’re bipolar. :/

And if you are bipolar, I cannot stress enough how important it is to get proper medication. I don’t want to scare you, but something like 20% of bipolar people die from committing suicide. And those are just the successful ones; the number who attempt, sometimes multiple times, is much higher. This is an extremely dangerous, disabling, potentially deadly illness. Although you can learn helpful coping strategies in therapy, and a good support system is also very important, the #1 thing you need to treat bipolar disorder is medication. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that, for 99% of us, cannot be effectively managed without mood stabilizers and/or antipsychotics. Every bipolar person I know (my mom, my aunt, my partner, and one of my friends) didn’t get better until they were on meds, and it was the same for me.

All this to say, if you suspect you’re bipolar, I encourage you to do every single thing in your power to get to a psychiatrist. I’d like to say your family might come around, but if you say they believe mental illness is an “American Thing” then I believe you. In which case, you need to advocate for yourself now and worry about their opinions later. Assuming you’re an adult, which I’m *really* hoping you are. If you’re a minor, that makes this much harder.

When you say you’re Mexican, I don’t know if you mean you’re living in Mexico or living in the US. If Mexico, I can’t point you toward resources, but if you happen to live in the US, most major cities have FQHCs (federally qualified health centers), which are aimed at serving poor people, and many of which provide mental health care services.

If you do have access to a psychiatrist, I can give you some pointers on what to do before your first appointment. I went into mine with a list of symptoms and how long I’d been experiencing them, family history of mental illness, previous medication regimens, and a summary of my trauma. When I handed it over to my psychiatrist she was like “Well it’s quite clear that you’re bipolar. I’m sorry you’ve been misdiagnosed for so long.”

If you’re comfortable DMing me, please feel free. Regardless, I hate to hear that you’re struggling, but I do want you to know that things can get better. I honestly feel like I lost the years between age 12 and 26, because I spent them so miserable, but since getting properly medicated my life has turned around completely. I want to see that happen for you too, nonny.

#asks #bipolar disorder #mental illness #actually bipolar #Anonymous

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