#because I have NEVER seen anyone give a single valid reason for it

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

What makes you know hobie is 18 or above? And not the in the same age range as miles and gwen

Honestly, great question. And the answer is:

I Don't Know Jack Shit. So jot that down.

Additionally, anyone telling you they DO know Jack Shit is a liar. Jot that down too.

[I may go a little Miguel Mode at the end of you know what I mean]

I personally operate under the headcanon that Hobie is over 18.

Why? He says he goes to pubs. You need to be over 18 to do that. The End.

You can headcanon that he has a fake id or simply finds himself in pubs while underage - and that's completely valid. Go ahead. You can headcanon he has a mfing tail. I can't stop you and we haven't seen his ass so maybe he do, who knows.

But my headcanon is just that. And to me - until Hobie's age is clearly displayed and mentioned on screen, then it'll always be a headcanon.

No matter what age you headcanon him as - if you think you KNOW his age, you're probably wrong. And I mean that.

The ATSV describes him as a 'slightly older boy'. Case closed, right? He's a minor then.

Nah, three lines later they say he's MUCH older than Miles....literally contradicting themselves within the same paragraph.

[And the funny thing is - I've seen the artbook used as evidence in the argument multiple times. Even though it literally contradicts itself. And every single time I'm like 'bruh did you even read the full page come on now'.]

Case in point, if you think you KNOW Hobie's age when 1) it's not stated on screen and 2) even the official external material gives conflicting information - you're just wrong. You can't know a theoretical number. And you can't be wrong about a theoretical number.

It's Schrodinger's age.

Example: A character is shown to be in High School. They live in New Jersey where the driving age is 16. If a fanfic writer has the character say "I can't do that, I can't drive yet.", is the fanfic writer canonically wrong? No. Because the character could reasonably be above OR below the driving age, either 14-18. Even if the director mentions the character having a sweet-16 that is never mentioned in the show, it's not screen-canon and the average viewer will not know the character is definitely over 16. Therefore they can reasonable be 15.

"But the director said-"

Don't care. Not weighted canon unless stated on-screen.

Maybe this is a controversial opinion. But if it's not on screen, I can't say it's canon.

Sure, the director may have said in an outside interview that Hobie's conceptually 19-20 -

But a normal person who goes to see the movie, and comes home to write fanfiction isn't going to know what.

They shouldn't have to dig through all conceptual and external content of a specific character in order to be deemed 'acceptable' and knowledgeable enough to write about them.

A person who watches the movie and writes solely based off of what the movie says about Hobie shouldn't be harassed or told they're wrong because they didn't listen to a podcast of a director who's name they don't even know.

There's no pass that says 'Okay you've done enough research about Hobie to write about him, congrats-'

If it's not in the movie, show, book, etc - a fan should not be required to seek out that information to be caught up to speed. External information is supplemental, not a part of the hole.

Also-

If it's not in the movie - It DOESN'T MATTER.

ATSV is a very well written movie. Every line is used for the purpose of telling the story. Especially Hobie's.

They didn't tell us Hobie's age because it didn't matter to the story. And it shouldn't matter to you.

If the writers didn't care enough to take time out to clarify his age, then it makes no sense to spend take arguing about it.

They obviously don't find it important. Because it isn't. It doesn't matter to the story at all.

Hobie's age doesn't matter to the 'love triangle'. Although the film is narrated by Gwen, we largely see it from Miles' point of view. And the 'love triangle' only exists when Mile has no concept of who Hobie is.

Miles doesn't know Hobie. So him questioning a love triangle happens regardless of whether Hobie is an adult or not. Miles doesn't know, neither do we.

The 'Hobie' in the 'love triangle' is an empty-shell of the mystery of who Hobie COULD be. The moment Hobie takes off the mask and we're revealed to the real him - the illusion of who he could've been is shattered for both us and Miles.

Because his age isn't stated, it has no bearing on Miles' perception of him. Miles don't know shit. Neither do we.

Also you people should be fucking grateful GODDAMN WTF

If you deadass beef about this you one ungrateful mfer i swear. Take offense. All offense.

We have a black, attractive, educated, useful, respected character in an animated movie that's available for ANY SHIP with ANY character and what do you people do??? - you argue.

Why? Explain to me why.

You should be happy it's up to interpretation and not definitely stated that you were wrong. At any time the creators could just put it in the next movie and make you look stupid.

You could be out there enjoying any ship of your choosing; with any character you enjoy him with - regardless of age. But no, instead of enjoying the ship that's available to you, you antagonize others.

Sit there and eat your mfing salad you INGRATE

Be grateful we have a character with such free range of shipping. A character that's un-aged and doesn't have a specific gender preference. BE THANKFUL.

You like Gwen x Hobie. Great. You argue with people and harass people who think Hobie's an adult??? - What if Hobie deadass looked in the camera next movie and said "I'm 19 also I'm gay." You'd look dumb as hell.

But they didn't do that. They left it unstated for you to go and enjoy your Hobie x Gwen or Hobie x Miguel or Hobie x whoever the hell.

I'm thankful everyday they didn't say his age because I don't make OCs that go to high school because I'm 24 and hate high school. And guess what, I can do that.

Him and Diane can just hang out on the houseboat all day cause they're grown ass adults with no place to be. Isn't that swell?

Stop playing with me and enjoy the goddamn shipping buffet. Christ almighty

All in all - I don't know shit. You don't know shit. And it's okay to not know shit.

NO UM-AKSCHULLY

Get comfortable with saying "I'm not the authority on this." or better yet "I don't know shit about nothing."

I love him to death, but I am not the authority on Hobie Brown.

For me - I know he said he goes to pubs and I know I wanted to ship him with Diane. Personality wise, Diane is 19. So Hobie is 19.

But I don't know anything about his age. No one does.

I'm just cute and like to share headcanons. Hobie Brown as of right now doesn't have an age. And that's fine. Cause he ain't real.

If you made it this far ummmmmm Here he is. I'm giving you this photo under the condition that you'll act right and enjoy him in a ship of your choosing if you'd like to do that.

Now lets sit here, and eat this ship salad.

[me making sure ur enjoying ur shipping salad]

Bye.

[pocketgalaxies]

still trying to wrap my head around keyleth's "i trust orym and orym trusts you so i trust you." bc when she said that my first instinct was disappointment, i think? or at least wishing it was a little different.

i think it would've been so much more meaningful to imogen if keyleth just said "i trust you." to have someone trust her and her integrity, not just bc of the company she keeps but because of her. and to hear that from keyleth, someone that imogen has come to respect a lot. i also think keyleth would be keenly aware of those things – if there's anything i'm sure she's learned over the years, it's that her words have immense weight. this is absolutely one of the reasons she pauses so much when she talks (both a marisha-ism as well as a character moment!)

so i guess i just wonder if keyleth actually doesn't trust imogen enough yet and has to filter it through orym, just enough to give imogen the confidence and validation she desperately needs but not so much that it's a falsification or overinflation? would she lie about trusting imogen in order to instill confidence in her, i want to say probably not? but it could probably go either way and would be heavily dependent on what she's experienced in the last 30 years – what is keyleth's relationship with telling white lies and keeping little secrets, after a few decades as the voice of the tempest? it's easy to imagine that it's changed, but also perhaps remaining honest is something keyleth has come to greatly value. tbh i don't think this was particularly explored in c1, and vm did deceive quite frequently, but never in the role of Mentor to a younger, more naive adventuring party like bh

i do love the follow-up of "i see a lot of myself in you" bc the parallels were there all along and i just never noticed them. young women who grew up in a publicly broken family with the weight of their destiny becoming progressively heavier on their shoulders. unimaginable, overwhelming power coursing through them as they explore a foreign and vast world. questioning every single decision they make along the way. the responsibility of the fate of the world frequently, unrelentingly, falling to them for reasons completely out of their control. not knowing anything but knowing they love their companions and knowing they want to do good. not knowing at all what good is anymore. still striving for it regardless.

it does make me lean more toward yes keyleth does trust imogen, because keyleth knows that imogen does not trust herself but keyleth can recognize that she can be trusted, because keyleth was the same way and she turned out okay. if anyone would understand the simultaneously terrifying but also unquestionable reliability of a truly good person trying to survive in a harsh world, it would be keyleth. but then why didn't she say so! and also i just personally would like to think that keyleth does trust imogen after seeing all that she's sacrificed and the level of dedication she's demonstrated over the last several months. but maybe that's just my bias after seeing every little bit of anguish and anxiety that imogen has experienced, and it's very hard to tell/remember how much of that has actually been perceived by keyleth. but also to see herself in imogen would suggest that she's seen at least some of it?

anyway i'm driving myself crazy. but i wish she could've told imogen she trusts her, and idk what stopped her. :(

[crmsnmth]

Hello

I guess I wasn't clear enough on the third version, so here's Version 4 Introductions are stupid. Hi. How goes it? Here's a little blurb of what I'm all about. I'm 36. I live in a small-town of about 2000 people in the center of the state of Wisconsin. It is not even close to as glamorous as it sounds. I've lived in quite a few other places though, but I guess it's true that we always go home. I work as a kitchen manager/EC. I've been working in the kitchen on and off for most of my working life. My first job was a cashier at a certain fast food pizza place that makes rectangle pizzas. That aren't good, but the breadsticks always kicked ass.

I am a massive music fan (it's playing right now) and when I tell you I listen to all music, believe me when I say all music. My main daily playlist is always growing and includes everything from iwrestledabearonce to Katy Perry (listen to her unplugged album. Kissed a Girl as a jazz type thing is beautiful) to Atmosphere to Miley Cyrus to Alan Jackson to Dying Fetus. My favorite band is Descendents with Amigo The Devil and Frank Turner coming very close to that coveted spot. I am a major horror fan, and I don't think I own a single t-shirt that isn't somehow horror related. I'm a sucker for the 80's slashers. I've seen every Friday the 13th movie enough times that if you ever watch them with me, I will annoy you by quoting the lines throughout the whole movie. I am Bipolar. Type 1. I am a raging cynic.

I am an addict in (long-term) recovery. I am sober. I write more than any sane person does, but I never once claimed to be sane. I write because if I don't, my head will explode. You can think this a metaphor all you want.

I do not write for anyone's approval, not even my own. I do this because it's the only addiction that isn't actively trying to kill me. I do it to get the thoughts out of my head, because if I don't, my head will explode, and I don't really like the idea of my brains splattering around me in a circle. I'd hate to have to clean up that mess. I always love constructive criticism. But please, for the love of all things holy, don't just tell that I suck. I already know that information. It's kind of a big part of my act. Tell me I suck but tell me why I suck. Give me a reason for my suckage. And if you can't do that, then maybe you should just keep your food hole shut.

So what will you find on my tiny drop in the ocean of the internet? You will see bad poetry, and an awful lot of it to be honest. You'll find random drops of fiction or a story I happen to be working on and want some form of opinion on it. I post at least once a day, but can post up to ten or fifteen times a day. And most of it is just your average mundane sad boy bad poetry. And if you see how much I do post, think of how much stuff I have laying around that never gets touched. I have boxes of notebooks, napkins and matchbooks with lines I thought were clever.

So since I write so much, what the hell is it exactly that I write about? That's easy. I'm pretty predictable in the end. So, this stuff: The Girl With Ocean Blue Eyes*, Kid*,The Broken Mirror Girl*, My Junkie Angel*, The Girl From California*, An Ex Band-Mate*, The Drunken Best Fried*, love, lost lovers, hopelessness, isolation, drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, forgotten acquaintances, mental illnesses, rage, hate, rejection, joy, insignificant moments, slices of life, laughter, beauty, self and self-reflection, self-hate, art, other writers, panic, infatuations, obsession, therapy, group homes, rehab, jail, grace, nature, loss, hope, fear, grief, anguish, philosophy, anarchism, nihilism, religion, god, the devil, ugliness, politics, serial killers, cults, suicide, death, destruction, chaos, music, validation, closure, memory, enemies, friends, rock bottom, sex, violence, rock and roll, sin, self-exploration, bipolar disorder, schizoaffecive disorder, pain, self-destruction much more.

Consider this line right here your trigger warning. Please see above to see my chosen subjects, and it should be clear that I will write something that can bring up some feelings. I make music as well for another creative outlet. No, I don't churn out songs like I do the written word, but I love my music and if you would like to tell me how much I suck at it here's the links:

If I come off as extremely depressed in my work, please know that I am fine. I'm good. Ok? Ok.

There, now you know the barest of my bare bones. You want to know anything else, just ask. I'm always happy for the fifteen second interaction. And I always try to interact with those who interact with me, but I am not one to talk first. If you follow me, know that I will most likely follow you back. Unless your space is empty, a bot, or straight-up porn.

*Added 7/2/2024 I get asked about them all time. Yes, I know I'm covered in typos and missing words. I used to try to fix then all but that started to get annoying in here. I apologize for them, but unless thy're pointed out, I'm not fixing them. This is my area right? I'm lazy and you get the meaning of what I'm trying to say.

*Not their real names.

*7/18/2024 Looking for people to read my actual book that I've been working and help with editing and how it looks to other eyes then my own. If interested in the slightest, send me a message and I'll gladly send you the link. I appreciate all the help i can get, as this is the book I would like, if possible, to publish. Thanks in advance If not, that's cool too.

[bookofmirth]

what do you think about ppl saying that the cauldron is corrupt means that maybe the elucien bond is indeed “fake” and that the trove trope links Azriel with Elain and that would be their plot

It's honestly funny that people are acting like they gained new information that somehow changes anything about mating bonds. All we really got in hofas is further confirmation that sjm is going to give everyone and their dog a mating bond, that it never goes away, and that mating bond = endgame. All of which we knew.

Setting aside the fact that that would supposedly be their plot - despite all of the actual world-threatening info they learned in hofas - let's talk about the cauldron.

We already knew that the Cauldron had been "corrupted". In acomaf, the Bone Carver tells Rhys and Feyre this:

“Long ago, before the High Fae, before man, there was a Cauldron … They say all the magic was contained inside it, that the world was born in it. But it fell into the wrong hands. And great and horrible things were done with it. Things were forged with it. Such wicked things that the Cauldron was eventually stolen back at great cost.

So this is not news. Why are they just now deciding that it means something?

Speaking of this reason, since Rhys knew in acomaf that the Cauldron was corrupted, and if every mating bond could be suspect because of that, then it stands to reason that none of them would be so hyped about mating bonds. Every character would be much more suspicious if they got one, and you know that Tamlin would be looking to delegitimize Feyre and Rhys's. But they aren't acting on that assumption, that the Cauldron is giving them something that is corrupt. If Rhys didn't know this info before talking to the Bone Carver, then he would have looked into it, knowing that Feyre was supposedly his mate. However, learning this info did nothing to keep Rhys from thinking that his bond was every bit as valid as he'd thought it was before. Feyre didn't warn either of her sisters, "hey, your bonds might be fake"??? If that information was supposed to be have implications for mating bonds, we haven't seen a single character act on that. For years in book time, and through a few mating bonds.

2. If the Cauldron were randomly making mating bonds, then we'd have to consider a few things, namely that it puts the validity of every single mating bond in acotar into question. Are we really going to go out here and say that chapter 54 of acomaf is meaningless? That Nesta and Cassian may as well cancel that mating ceremony because what's the point?

3. We don't know where mating bonds come from. Rhys, who knows more about the world besides anyone other than Amren, doesn't know where they come from. Rhys says maybe the Mother, maybe the Cauldron, but the fact is that the mating bond comes from SJM because she decides that when a couple is going to be endgame, she makes them mates.

4. If a person had used the cauldron to create a fake elucien mating bond, then... who? Why would they do that? They've been mates for 2+ years in book time and literally nothing has come of it? No one gives a fuck that Elain and Lucien are mates.

5. Mating bonds are from birth. It has been stated multiple times. It didn't happen because Elain went into the cauldron. It gets stronger when the sisters are Made and come across the wall, but it existed before that.

6. SJM has told us exactly what happens when a mating bond is rejected. In fact, from HOFAS, when Hunt was talking to Baxian about Danika:

“It was a potential minefield, to bring up his dead mate. To lose a mate was to lose half of your soul; to live without them was torture.”

From acomaf:

you were in love with another male, and had destroyed yourself to save him, and that … that I didn’t care. If you were going to die, I was going to die with you.

From acofas:

I still saw that moment, in my sleeping and waking dreams. How his face had looked, how his chest had not risen, how the bond between us had shredded into ribbons. I still felt it, that hollowness in my chest where the bond had been, where he had been. Even now, with that bond again flowing between us like a river of star-flecked night, the echo of its vanishing lingered. Drew me from sleep; drew me from a conversation, a painting, a meal.

7. She has also talked about mating bonds in the highest praise; here are some examples.

Mating bonds = endgame in sjm world. She creates them because she wants that couple to be together. It's really that simple.

[cloud-somersault]

I wrote out a twitter thread explaining my thought about this whole debacle and why I'm so upset. So I'll paste that here, since I locked that account also.

it's just that Wu doing a murder is such a pivotal moment for constellations!shadowpeach that it affects their entire dynamic going forward. Everything is going to seem like it's skewed in Mac's favor because both of them have that tragedy lurking in the back of their minds. And I feel like people are forgetting that, but the characters themselves never forget that. The only way this could be "balanced" is if Mac forgave Wu, and he's never going to do that. Their relationship is unhealthy and imbalanced no matter what in this AU.

I know I'm harping on this a lot, but it just feels like, to me, people aren't understanding what I'm trying to say with this story. And if that's the case, I just am hesitant to share it because my intentions and the part of myself I'm putting into my work aren't being seen.

That is why creatives share anything; to inspire connection and resonate with other people. If the takeaway from the epilogue is "Mac is good/Wu is bad" then I feel like something crucial is being missed. That's not the point of what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying at all.

I get disheartened when this happens every single time it happens for this reason: I feel like I'm not being understood and people are misconstruing this story to say something it's not trying to say. There is no "competition" here when it comes to who's right or wrong.

This story is about reconciliation with someone who was hurt deeply. The ups and downs of that. The imperfections. The effort, the care, the communication, the lack of communication. And the love that lies at the center of that, regardless of who's "right" or "wrong."

Because I don't see it that way. Wu is impulsive and is emotionally-driven. He's so happy Mac is in his life. And maybe if I wrote from his perspective, this would be more apparent, but it's Mac's turn now. And y'know, Wu is making mistakes, but Mac is forgiving him each time.

It's a big deal for Mac to forgive, because he is the victim. It's not as big a deal for Wu to forgive, because he's going to forgive no matter what. And that's his choice to forgive no matter what. Because he wants to be with Mac no matter what. It's characterization.

But people always say "your characterization is good!" Is it if people come to this conclusion? If they read the story and boil it down to "Mac is portrayed to always be right and that's fucked up" without giving a single thought to "Mac has been shown to be more sensible than Wu, so he's more mindful of his actions/words."

Their personalities drive their decisions. These are flawed, imperfect characters. They make mistakes! Some more often than others, and that's okay! But those flaws influence their decisions and can inspire a pattern of behavior that leads to "Wu is quick to forgive."

I'm not asking anyone to critique my story. I'm not even asking you to read it; I'm sharing it with you. But if it upsets you, if you hate it, if you hate parts of it-you're valid! But please don't share that with me, because I love this AU and I love what I've done.

There is no agenda here. I love both Mac and Wu equally, actually. I love writing both of them. I'm not trying to push a narrative or paint one of them in the wrong. I am just trying to write a realistic portrayal of a reconciliation. That's it.

Thank you to the people who have sent messages and said kind things on here or on tumblr. I appreciate that. This has only fueled my spite and I'm going to continue to write Wu fucking up again and again bc he's desperate to be with Mac. And that's characterization.

I doubted sharing the rest of the epilogue because in chapter 13, Wu fucks up again. In the sequel to the epilogue, Wu fucks up AGAIN. So, now, do you see why I was rethinking things? It's more of the same. It's a major plot point later on, even. So. Get used to it, I guess.

This entire debacle and me writing this thread solidified why I need to finish the epilogue. Shadowpeach discusses this in chapter 13 and it's made clear there what the dynamic is and they both agree to it. I'll finish the epilogue. After that, I don't know.

[genderkoolaid]

re: tme discourse. did these people forget about gnc men?? gnc men are ABSOLUTELY affected by transmisogyny despite not being transfem. but that's not convenient for the argument so it doesn't matter (sarcasm)

I mean they literally do not care. The answer to this will always be "that's just misdirected transmisogyny, its not the same". I've seen people claim that homophobia towards queer men is essentially transmisogyny-lite (and the two are connected but imo its about the misandry/antimasculism directed at queer people perceived at transgressing male gender roles, and I have a feeling TME/TMA proponents would Not like that interpretation lmao).

The thing is I do understand part of the use for TME/TMA. In that transfems are the targets of transmisogyny, tend to be the ones most aware of it because of this, and therefore transfem voices should be central to its discussion*. But thats true of every single form of bigotry, and we don't use this "affected/exempt" system for literally anything else. Because its entirely unhelpful to imply that who can be affected by a bigotry is based on their identity. Not only can you be targeted for the wrong reasons, but it can be physically and mentally damaging and occur often enough to be a fundamental part of your life experience. And this is why I mean that "misdirected bigotry" is never used for anything other than possessiveness over being the victims of a certain type of bigotry. Its only ever used to tell other people that their victimization was less harmful and that they do not have a right to speak about that form of bigotry, creating a dichotomy between "real victims" and "fake victims", which alienates a large portion of the people being directly affected by that bigotry.

I try to do the opposite on this blog: while transmascs should be centered in discussions of transandrophobia, I actively encourage anyone to discuss their experiences with it, or antimasculism/misandry, or exorsexism, or anything I talk about! Because it helps us learn more about the functions of bigotry, and creates solidarity between all victims regardless of who they are. People who otherwise would not have had their pain validated (bc they are not in communities where it is addressed in the first place) are helped, and we get so many more comrades in our fight! And we can be open and supportive of non-transmasc transandrophobia (or non-transfem victims of transmisogyny) without decentering transamscs(/transfems) from the discussion.

The reason why creating this victim binary is important for TME/TMA is because imo these acronyms cannot be divorced from the baeddelist idea that transmisogyny is the worst form of transphobia/oppression, and non-transfems are oppressors of transfems... and therefore cannot be allied with, or can only be allied with if they act subservient**. Its fundamentally tied to the idea that other trans people have systematic power over transfems (& the sister belief of "transphobia isnt real its all transmisogyny" and "transfems are the only real trans people"). Which is antithetical to transunity. The belief that transmascs/afab trans people(/maybe amab trans people depending on whos talking about who) have an oppressor/oppressed relationship with transfems should be a major red flag; it's the source of a lot of people's feelings of not having the authority to talk about transphobia or transness in general. It's the source of uncomfortable dynamics between transmascs&fems where transmascs are expected to be differential to transfems and see themselves as oppressors obliged to "give back" to their victims. It's the source of transmascs being told they aren't in danger and have an obligation to serve as human shields for transfems, which puts can put people in real, serious danger.

ANYWAYS. My point is that there is no group you can pull out to prove TME/TMA proponents wrong. Even intersex people are either completely ignored, demonized, or heavily criticized and nitpicked when talking about how this binary is intersexist, and same with black women, despite intersex cis black women being a main target of a lot of transmisogyny. The fact that non-AMAB transfems experience transmisogyny will not do anything to make them change their minds because it can and will always be labeled "misdirected" and therefore insignificant.

*before anyone says some shit: transfems helped create transunity, many transunitist are explicitly following the beliefs of transfems they know and have learned from. anti-transunitist transfems are not the only ones to have valid opinions on how transmisogyny works. stop erasing the work transfems have put into constructing transunity theory. its okay to admit you disagree with transunitist transfems you don't have to act like they don't exist while harassing them off the internet

**no this is not about all transfems. there are many transfems outspokenly against this & many transfems who have been hurt by this. it is not transmisogynistic to address the real, serious harm certain transfems have done to trans people, which (as can be read abt in the link) very much includes abusive behavior towards transmascs which (imo) mirrors a lot of the rhetoric I see online about how "TMEs" should behave.

[cerenemuxse]

Throwback to when I was really hyperfocused on this moment because WHY EDWARD???

(An Engine of Many Colors - Season 22)

(This post can be seen as a 2x5 post! This is also a very long post. 😶)

Why EDWARD, of all the other characters, was the one to be crashed into, had the dream not ended? The easy answer could be "Oh, it's because 'A Shed for Edward'! They're trying to connect the episodes!" But that doesn't make any sense to me, for some reason.

The significance Edward had to situation at that point was very little. He was being being relocated temporarily to another shed, along with Thomas, which James knows about since he was just being pulled from the wreckage when that happened. It was obvious that some of the engines would have to sleep somewhere else when the crash happened (though it irks me that the Fat Controller didn't move every single one of them away because that cannot be safe to sleep in 💀).

What was a significantly bigger moment during those episodes was Edward warning James moments before the accident took place. Maybe that's why Edward showed up but why as a "victim" of the crash? Again, the simple explanation is that its foreshadowing the events of "A Shed for Edward" that are starting to take place at the same time. But what about James' perspective of things?

How would James know that the events from that episode took place, starting the evening of the accident? The guy's stuck at the Steamworks. Hell, he probably had no clue Edward was at the Steamworks two days later, two days after the main events of "An Engine of Many Colors" took place.

(An Engine of Many Colors - Season 22; A Shed for Edward - Season 21)

Why didn't Edward show up as one of the characters warning James about crashing? Why did he take the role of being crashed into and not the role of warning James? And why was he the only one to be to crashed into, had the nightmare not ended? James doesn't crash into anyone in his blue and silver liveries, narrowly missing Philip and the goods train in the latter, but in his green livery, he nearly crashes into the back of Edward's goods train, which could've gone very, very wrong.

Could it be because Edward was the first to be sent away from Tidmouth to live somewhere else temporarily that James began to feel guilty? Was it because Edward, along with Philip, was the last engine to see James before things went wrong on his way down Gordon's Hill?

I'm definitely overanalyzing and overthinking this one but I just couldn't get it out of my mind. Like why Edward? Why not Emily or Thomas, who had warned James about his brakes from the start?

Going back to why Edward wasn't given the role of warning James in James' dream, I think I have an idea as to why. Let's go back to "All in Vain."

In "All in Vain," James, with some hesitance, trusts Edward to help him out without making fun of him, when it turns out that James ruined his fresh coat of paint. Edward does him the "favor" without rubbing it into anyone's face, and from the look of things, he never told James that he explained the situation to the Mayor and Sir Topham Hatt. Now what about it?

Is it possible that James' dream didn't put Edward in that role because he knows, deep down, that Edward wouldn't rub it in his face? About not listening to his warning? Compared to Philip, who was taunting James, Edward was being pretty damn serious. It could explain why James' dream didn't give Edward that role. Now as to why Edward was the only engine for James to be crashed into, I'm not sure, at least from James' perspective.

Now the simple and probable explanation could be "It's a dream! Dreams don't make sense!" which is very valid, because what was Diesel doing there? Throughout "The Fastest Red Engine on Sodor" and "A Shed for Edward," James never interacted with Diesel, yet he showed up.

I have a theory for this. Remember how Thomas and Rosie showed up twice, both times warning James?

This is definitely a stretch but what if someone else was supposed to show up in Diesel's spot? What if, voluntarily, James forced someone he disliked to show up out of fear of seeing someone he didn't want to see taunting him? Notice how it changed to James' face after Thomas passes by, which just shows potential fear. As if he's holding his breath for whoever is next. And when Diesel passes by, he still has that expression, as if waiting for something worse.

Theoretically, Gordon could've come up next as the one warning him in Diesel's place, considering he showed up seconds prior warning him. However, this would be inconsistent as Gordon is heading in the same direction as James is. While this show does have the tendency to completely disregard track placements of the engines multiple times, such as in "Emily in the Middle," it didn't do that here. But let's completely knock that one out because, remember, this is a dream. They don't make always sense.

So why not Gordon? Well, think about it. Does James really care about Gordon's opinion this much at this point of the show? No, not really. Even in Pouty James, he did not care about Gordon's opinion. He's long gone past that "phase" of trying to be approved by Gordon. James is his own being, and that's that.

So who else could've been in Diesel's spot, following my theory? Emily. Going back to the beginning of the episode "The Fastest Red Engine on Sodor," Emily is the first character to warn him about his brakes. She also appears in James' first dream, and, if we want to consider the magazine stories canon to the television series, Emily has a sibling relationship with James, being an older sister to him (which lets be honest, its definitely canon). How do think James would've felt if Emily had showed up, taking all of that into consideration? Probably frightened. Probably because lets go back to "Pouty James."

In "Pouty James," Emily is taunting James about his attitude but in a different way. She does it with reason to get something into his head (or smokebox-). In "Tale of the Brave," she mocks him and scolds him (and Gordon) about teasing Percy. Based on James' reactions, it seems that James is used to this and knows that Emily means well. It wouldn't completely make sense why Emily could've been the other person.

So who else could it have been? Edward.

While the show is infamous for having many inconsistencies with character writing, especially when it comes to the relationships between them, their relationship was restored back to how it probably should've been following "Old Iron" with the episode "All in Vain." But since then, we don't know how their relationship was. It was pretty ambiguous. We just knew they were friends, and that was that. We didn't get to see the two interact much until "A Shed for Edward."

The minute Edward warns James about going so fast, James brushes it off as Edward worrying too much. And when Edward comes back to Tidmouth Sheds momentarily, James just smiles cheekily and blushes out of embarrassment when the Fat Controller calls him out, which is an unusual response. Usually, James gets flustered and angry when he gets called out like that but not here. To me, it comes off as an overdue response to Edward's warning. Something like "Well, I guess it happened. :'D Oops."

We know that at this point, James trusts Edward because of the events in "All in Vain," which I spoke about a while ago. To summarize that post, James doesn't expect someone else to defend him with an explanation when it comes to messing up, but Edward ultimately broke that belief for him. He has others to support him, and one of them is Edward. However, in this situation, Edward isn't there, as well as his other supporters (like Emily) so James is on his own.

So could the dream where James could've crashed into Edward and his goods train been a sign to that? A sign that his support system isn't there? That they won't be home waiting for him. The only thing waiting for him is mockery. And when he ignores the dream, the next dream tries to bring Edward back, only for James to manage to gain some control and turned him into Diesel instead.

...

That's all I gotta say. :] Take this with a grain of salt. If none of this makes sense, then don't worry about it. I've been having trouble writing anything that seems to make sense and isn't just a bunch of unorganized notes. :")

This was something I had on my mind a while ago. Finally got to writing it down. Starting off as just questioning it but I decided to overanalyze it like I do with things like this. Again, this could be easily explained because its a dream. Dreams don't always make sense. Things and people can randomly show up with no reason.

[dreamescapeswriting]

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗮𝗺𝘂𝗿𝗮𝗶 ~ 𝗟𝗙 [𝗠]

⤜WORD COUNT: 7.9K

⤜PAIRING: Felix x Fem!Reader

⤜GENRE: Samurai AU, enemies (ish) to lovers, angst, fluff, with spice MINORS DNI, attempted humour, force proximity, one bed trope, established relationships,taking a bath together - hint of spice here  -  love confession, 

⤜Copyright: © DreamEscapesWriting - September 2022

⤜MASTERLIST

In all of your years of being a Samarui none of them had prepared you for a moment like this, the moment your heart would thump so hard against your chest that you were afraid it was going to jump right out of your chest. Your eyes scanned over the words again and again as you tried to wrap your head around them, 

We have your brother, if you plan to see him alive again you'll give us what we want. Tell anyone and we will kill him.

You had no idea what the kidnappers wanted from you, it wasn't money since you barely made any money as a soldier and it was significantly less than a man would make. This had been your dream ever since you were a child, become a warrior and protect the crown with your life. You never would have imagined someone targeting you and threatening you for money when you barely made money.

"On your left!" Someone screamed, you stepped away and let the familiar sound of a sword dig into the wooden board in front of you, someone had been practising their knife-throwing skills and were failing if they happened to be aiming for your head.

We have your brother

You'd seen him, less than 24 hours ago you'd been out to tea with your brother, the two of you talking about your life as a samurai warrior and now he was gone just like that. Being a Samarui wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, you were constantly fighting with people who claimed you weren't good enough because you were a female. Maybe that was who had taken your brother, someone who wanted you out of the crown's protection squad. 

Things in the world had progressed from the days when women couldn't do anything without a man's approval but there was a sad truth left in the world and that was that many men still disbelieved a woman didn't need a man's help. That somehow a woman still <<<needed>>> to have a man in order to do something correctly in the world, or to feel and seem validated in society's eyes. Of course, female warriors were allowed and had been for many years but there were still some men in your industry that decided to say that females weren't good enough for this lifestyle. One of those men, in particular, was Lee Felix the very man who got on your nerves every single day when he claimed you weren't good enough to be on the same team as them. 

The sound of metal clashing together so close to you made you jump as you looked away from the note in your hand, you came face to face with Felix who was staring back at you. He and the others had been watching you ever since you'd opened your mail wondering what you were so entranced by.

"Going away with the fairies again, Yn?" Felix asked with a smug smirk plastered across his face. Usually, you would give him some kind of snarky remark back to him but your mind was still trying to wrap its mind around the note and the fact that someone was threatening you. 

"Yn?" Chan asked. Chan was someone you'd come to like over the last few months - he was the leader of your team and was always trying to make sure each of you was well taken care of.

"Don't, boss. She won't hear you. She's too busy writing love letters," Felix teased as he moved closer, ripping the paper from your grasp and studying it. The smile that he had been wearing so proudly was wiped clean from his face and you snatched it back from him,

"I need to leave, Sir." You said as you directed your attention to Chan who shook his head,

"I need a reason." You knew Chan had his rules and you weren't legally allowed to take leave from the team without some kind of valid reason.

Tell anyone and we will kill him

Your mind raced, if you spilt the truth they would kill your brother and you weren't going to risk anything happening to him, you were going to do anything to save him.

"Her mother is sick," Felix lied, pushing the note back into your chest making you stare over at him. You would have assumed Felix would drop you into it but you were thankful that he hadn't, Chan studied the two of you before nodding his head.

"I'll make sure to cover for you, take all of the time you need," Chan explained before dispersing from the area leaving you and Felix alone with one another while you tried to think of a way to approach what Felix had done for you. 

"Why did you do that?" You bit out a little harsher than you probably should have since he had just lied for you but you didn't care. You didn't want this to somehow come back on you and have it be a "you owe me" thing. You didn't like to owe anyone favours much less someone who hated you.

"Do what?" Felix asked, playing dumb as he took out his throwing knives and began to throw them in the direction of the practice dummies, hitting all four of them in the centre of the head.

"Lie for me." You explained, moving in front of him when he attempted to collect the knives he'd just finished throwing but You weren't about to let him get some kind of thing to hold over you.

"I wouldn't want to feel guilty for your brother dying," He mumbled harshly, staring at you as you teared up and nodded your head at least he was honest about it.

"I owe you nothing for lying to me," You snapped at him as he held up his hands in defence and nodded his head at you, he knew better than to fight with an angry woman, especially an angry woman who carried a samurai sword.

"Whatever. Just work on getting the person what they want." He grumbled before you nodded, slowly making your way out of the training area while trying to get your head to think straight. The first thing you wanted to do was clarify that the note was real, you were going to go to your brother's place and investigate everything yourself.

Felix hadn't felt right about letting you go off alone, he'd watched you earlier in the afternoon when you'd left your living quarters and he'd followed after you to make sure that you weren't going to do anything stupid. He'd been following you for a while now, he'd watched you investigating your brother's trashed house and was now watching in amusement as you attempted to steal a horse from the royal stables. If you got caught trying to steal one of the palace horses you'd probably end up with a head on a stick.

Felix had no idea what was going through his mind but he rode closer to you on his horse and stared down at you, he should have just stayed with Chan and let you do this alone. But no. His stupid gut was telling him he should go with you, to make sure you didn't do anything reckless.

"Get on," He mumbled as he tried to come up with a logical reason as to why he was here but you didn't ask. Your eyes were too busy travelling over the pure white horse that was in front of you to even notice who had spoken. It wasn't until you finally made eye contact with him that you realised who it was. Felix who was holding his hand out for you to take. Why was he here?

"What?" You asked, still completely dumbfounded that he was still standing there when he'd previously told you he'd rather throw a knife at his own foot than ever be alone with you on a mission. This was something he was willingly doing and even offering you to get close to him on the horse.

"Get on, unless you want to get caught by the guards for trying to steal a horse?" Felix snapped, you said nothing as you climb up with the help of Felix's hand and waited for him to do or say something to you.

"You better hold on," He smirked as you held onto the sides of the saddle, only for him to quickly speed up as you scream out and wrap your arms around his waist and buried your face in his back.

"I thought you'd rode before." Felix quipped as he made his way in the direction of the forests. It was the only plausible way you could have been heading if you were planning on taking a horse, if you wanted out of Crier's Moon you needed to go into the forest to go anywhere else.

"On my own, not the back of someone else." You grumbled as he came to a slow in the woods, your eyes stared around as you tried to make sense of the thickened forests. You were going to be completely out of your depths if you tried to navigate this area alone, the only time you'd been through the woods was when you were with others and followed their lead or in a carriage, with your family You'd never once had to navigate yourself through a thick forest that was full of danger at every which way.

"Tell me where to go," Felix said as he glanced over his shoulder at you, the two of you briefly locked eyes before he stared straight ahead again. He hated the fact that his heart raced whenever the two of you would make eye contact, and your arms wrapped around him were making his mind race.

"Why?" You mumbled, not completely understanding why Felix was telling you to tell him where to go. You figured that he would get you out of the stables and leave you alone, you never would have imagined him helping you out.

"Because I don't know what clues you have, so tell me where I'm going." You stared at the back of his blonde head and swallowed the lump in your throat. You were going to have to be honest with someone for the first time in a long time and you were afraid he was going to judge you for it.

"The men that took him are the same men that killed our father," You mumbled as you remembered the calling card you'd found inside your brother's bedroom. You hated that he had gotten into the same mess that your father had wound up in all those years ago.

Your father had gotten himself into a deep debt after getting a ring for your mother and getting enough money for you to be able to become one of the best Samarui in the whole of Crier's Moon.

"They have a place in Massadonia," You stated blandly before looking around the darkened forests. It was no secret what lay in Massadonia, it was filled with gambling dens and debt collectors but Felix said nothing as he nodded his head. It wasn't his place to question your brother or your father's actions and he wasn't going to get into a fight with you right now.

"I'll bring the horse back, I can travel alone." You lied, you knew damn well you'd have more of a chance of flying than you'd ever have at navigating the woods alone but Felix didn't need to know that. You could just figure it out as you go along, it was no big deal.

"You're going to take on men that took your brother?" Felix quizzed as he thought about it. He'd seen the state of the house that your brother was taken from, it was clear that there had been more than one man that was there and you might have been skilled but not skilled enough to take on more than two men at a time.

"I'm trained well," It was a fact and one that Felix wasn't going to deny since you had both been trained by Chan who was the best of the best in the business.

"Well enough to take on more than two men at once?" Felix asked with a smirk on his lips, he knew you hated it when someone doubted your ability but it wasn't just that. There was no way one person was going to be able to take on more than one or maybe two men at a time, it just wasn't possible.

"I'm perfectly cable of looking after myself,"

"I never said you weren't. But If you think for one second I'm going to let you go out to Massadonia on your own you have another thing coming," Felix stared at you and your heart gushed, it almost sounded as though he cared about your well-being with the way he had structured his sentence and you could have sworn your stomach was bursting with butterflies, 

"I can't guarantee I would get sunshine back, so that's why I'm coming." Felix quickly added as he realised how it must have sounded, he quickly turned back to face the woods and the butterflies all died down and you stared forward.

"Massadonia is about a night's ride, we'll need to stay in an inn close by until we come up with a plan." He told you as the two of you began to ride, your arms staying locked around his waist.

There was little space between your bodies and your heart was racing against your chest, you did your best to tell yourself it was because you were doing something dangerous and <<<not>>> because you were so close to Felix. You sat straight, desperately looking around to make sure the two of you weren't being followed by anyone and then Felix grunted. 

"Stop moving," He mumbled as you went stiff, looking at the back of his head as he continued to ride through the darkened woods. It was hard not to move when the horse rode so quickly and it wasn't exactly the most comfortable ride you'd ever had in your life.

"How do you know your way around?" You questioned, trying to break the ice so things weren't so rough between the two of you since you were going to be riding together for a while. The two of you had never really seen eye to eye with one another, he was always cracking jokes about how you weren't good enough to work with him and the others. Or that a woman shouldn't be doing this kind of task since it wasn't very ladylike of her.

"I've been riding in the woods for years," He mumbled bluntly making your mouth form a hard line. Sighing to himself Felix felt a little bad for being so harsh with you since your brother was currently being held against his will, he rolled his eye.

"So who are they?" You looked at the back of his head and bit down on your lip. Felix was going to figure out the truth sooner or later so you were just going to spill the beans now, it would save it from coming out later.

"They're debt collectors. Our father ended up in a pretty bad debt years ago when he paid for my training and when he didn't pay them back..."

"They killed him." Felix nodded, he'd heard rumours about your father's habits but it wasn't his place to question it or bring it up. The one thing he was confused about was why they would take your brother. Typically when a debt collector killed the person they'd given money to they were through with the whole family.

"But then why take your brother?" Your mind rushed over everything you and your brother had last spoken about. He'd mentioned money issues but when you'd offered to help he just told you that he knew he was going to find a way out of it. It was typical of a man never to go to someone when they were in desperate need of help, it was one of their weaknesses.

"He was struggling...I offered to help but he wouldn't take it," You explained, moving closer to Felix as you did your best to get comfortable on your long ride together.

"Some brothers don't want to admit that they need help from their younger siblings," Felix explained, it was one thing he'd never want to do if he needed help. As an older brother, he wanted to believe that he could get through anything alone and would never rely on a younger sibling for help.

"Men as a whole are dumb where that's concerned. If you need help, ask for it." You mumbled as Felix smiled to himself, pretty happy you were on the back where you couldn't see him. It was rather dumb of people to do but everyone was guilty of not asking for help once or twice in their lives.

"Maybe he didn't think it was as bad as it was," Felix suggested as he sped up, your arms tightening around his waist as you squeezed your eyes shut.

"Well, he's an idiot." You mumbled against his chest, slowly opening your eyes as you felt the horse jumping over a small ditch filled with water. Felix let out a small laugh at the thought of you insulting your sibling even though he'd been kidnapped.

"Be sure to tell him that when we get him rescued," He told you with a chuckle, slowly heading in the direction of a pathway. He knew it wasn't going to be long until the moon was at its highest and the two of you were going to need to find somewhere to sleep for the night.

"Thank you." You said suddenly into the silence and Felix frowned,

"For?"

"Helping me. I know I'm probably the last person you would want to spend your time with right now..." The realisation began to hit you, Felix had refused to ever be alone with you on a mission but now all of a sudden he was going out of his way to help you with something.

"So why are you helping me?" Felix swallowed the lump in his throat. He wasn't about to admit the truth to you, you thought he hated you but it couldn't have been further from the truth. 

Felix cared a lot for you, he had a weird way of showing it with all of the insults he threw in your direction but it was only because he attempted to deflect his true feelings for you. Sometimes the insults weren't insults but more playful jabs, the same ones that he and the boys would have with one another but maybe he had taken it a little too far.

"I told you. I'm not letting you take my horse alone." He looked down at your hands that were locked in front of his stomach and he smiled weakly to himself. He knew he couldn't keep up the act forever but right now, the last thing you needed was some kind of love confession from him.

"I could have taken a palace horse...How did you even  know where to find me?" It was silent for a while, the sounds of crickets and other forest creatures could be heard around you, biting his lip Felix decided to admit some of the truth.

"I followed you." You sat up straight but kept your arms around him, he'd followed you? Had Chan ordered him to or something? 

"Why?" You questioned softly, not wanting to spook him into not speaking with you but he seemed to be pretty open right now. Maybe it was the relaxation of not being at work that made him easier to deal with.

"Because I didn't want you to do some dumb shit and get yourself killed. The first rule of Chan's is?" Felix covered his ass, how was he supposed to tell you he followed you to make sure you didn't get hurt without making it obvious of his feelings for you? 

"Don't do anything alone." You knew the rules well and Felix smirked to himself, speeding up a little as he made his way through the woods trying to find an Inn that the two of you could stay together in for the night.

With each passing hour, you moved closer to Felix, your back was aching from sitting up so straight and you were starting to feel tired. The moon was above all of the trees and was the only thing lighting the way, Felix hoped if he'd gotten you far enough in the night the two of you could rest and come up with a plan of attack for tomorrow.

"We should rest," Felix said when he felt you falling limp against him, the last thing he needed right now was for you to fall asleep on the horse and fall off. You whined a little as you looked up at him, nodding your head too tired to fight him on it, the thought of rolling into a bed sounded amazing.

"One bed? Are you kidding?" You asked out loud, staring into the dimly lit room and at the giant bed that was inside the bedroom you'd be sharing with Felix. He'd been talking to the woman at the desk trying to get you both a room as quickly as possible but it seemed as though she wasn't very welcoming of the two of you. Not that you blamed it, it was well past midnight and she probably didn't want to be renting out another room.

"I'm not sleeping on the floor," Felix told you as he saw that there was one bed and nowhere else for him to sleep. He would be damned if you thought he was going to sleep on the cold floor for you,

"If you were a gentleman you would," You quipped at him, smirking at him but he chuckled as he met your eyes.

"I never claimed to be one." He smirked back at you before you rolled your eyes and looked around. The least he could have done was attempt to get you another room instead of letting you share one with him.

"Why did we have to get one room? I would have been fine sleeping next door," You mumbled, opening one of the windows and looking out into the woods - not that you could see much of anything since it was dark out. 

"There were no other rooms. Besides, I told them we were expected to be husband and wife next week. They probably thought we were just eager to get to one another," You grabbed the knife from your garter on your thigh and threw it in his direction, smugly smiling at him as he hit the wall close to his face.

"Relax," He laughed at you and pulled the knife from the wall, gently handing it back to you as you slid it back into the garter and shook your head. 

"We needed a room, we got one. Just go to sleep." He mumbled before making his way over to the tub that was in the centre of the room and began to turn on the taps. As soon as you heard the gushing water you turned around to face him and frowned, there was no way he was actually going to take a bath while you were in the room...Was there?

"What are you doing?" You questioned, staring at him as he looked over at you and smiled.

"Having a bath. I don't like to sleep dirty." He mentioned before slowly beginning to unbutton the shirt he was wearing, you couldn't seem to take your eyes off him even though you wanted to.

"You can't have a bath," You stumbled on the words a little, your eyes quickly moving to find his eyes and he frowned at you not finding any reason he couldn't bathe when he was covered in sweat from the horse ride.

"And why not?" His hands stilled on the final button and you gestured around the room to remind him that it was one room and he was about to get naked in front of you. Not that it had ever bothered Felix to get naked in front of people before, he was comfortable in his body.

"Because it's in the room...And I-I would have to see you-" You gestured to his body and he smirked, slowly taking off his shirt and letting it drop to the floor as he kept his eyes on you.

"If you don't wanna see, look away." He smirked as your eyes stayed tracked on his toned body, drinking in every muscle he had on his stomach until you heard him fumbling with his belt. That was when you quickly looked away and stared out of the small window inside the room trying not to think about how hot he was.

"Not enjoying the show?" He asked as you heard the taps shut off and the water stopped running,

"You couldn't pay me to," You mumbled, you had to admit he was hot but you weren't going to give him an ego boost.

As soon as he was in the water you looked around the room and began to try and come up with a plan of attack for tomorrow. There was no use waiting around, you twirled the necklace around your finger as you tried to think of a way to get into the bar where the men spent most of their time. They'd owned it for many years and it was one of the places your father would take you whenever he needed extra money from them it was a disgusting bar but it was their place. 

"We can sneak into the bar that the men work in," You said, dropping the necklace from your finger as Felix sighed and leaned his head back against the wooden tub.

"Can I relax before we come up with a plan? They won't kill him while you have something that they want," He explained before you took in a deep breath, you knew it was true but if you didn't talk about a plan what were you going to do?

"Will you hurry? I kind of want to have a bath," You told him before sitting on the edge of the bed and staring at him, he shrugged his shoulders at you since he was in no rush to get out of the water

"I'll get out soon, chill." He told you, closing his eyes and enjoying the sounds of nothing. This was nice compared to the baths back in Crier's moon, there he would have to deal with other men yelling and screaming all of the time.

"Please." You hated that you had resorted to begging with him but the longer you sat here the longer you felt gross. There was blood on you from the branches you'd hit on the way here and not to mention you stunk from how much you'd been sweating.

"I'm covered in sweat and blood," Felix tensed when he heard you mention "blood" and his head lifted from the tub until he found your eyes.

"Blood?" Felix stared at you, concern seeping from his tone as you nodded showing him the cuts that were on your arms and legs. 

"Yeah, I cut myself by accident on a branch," Felix got out faster than you expected and wrapped himself in a towel, nodding to the water for you to get into. 

"The bath is all yours." He said friendly making you frown. It wasn't like him to be so friendly toward you but you weren't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, you were dying to get clean.

"Thanks." You stared at him as you waited in front of the wooden tub waiting for him to leave the room.

"What?" He quizzed you when he noticed that you were beginning to stare at him for longer than he expected you to.

"Leave." You ordered before making him chuckle at the thought of it. Where was he supposed to go?

"Leave?" He questioned, staring at you as he raised his eyebrow and waited for you to elaborate on what you could have meant by that. It wasn't as though he could go and sit out in the hall in nothing but a towel.

"Yeah, I'm about to get into the bath," You said before pointing at the water but Felix didn't move and he kept his eyes on you.

"So? You watched me when I got in," You stared back at him a little shocked at the thought of him going to watch you strip,

"I don't want you to watch me," You hissed before he rolled his eyes, he wasn't actually going to watch you he was just going to tease you for a little but he could tell you were in no mood for that.

"I'm not going to watch you, I'm going to go to sleep. Chill." He mumbled as he climbed onto the bed, as soon as you knew he wasn't looking you began to strip out of your clothes and stepped into the water. It was so hot on your skin but relaxing, the steam that left your body was nice and you leaned your head back against the wooden tub.

"Wow, that's a view I'd love to see more often," Felix smirked as he looked over at you, you splashed water in his direction and glared when you lifted your head to meet him. He was no longer on the bed but near the fireplace trying to get it warm inside of the room since he was currently freezing his balls off.

"Pervert." You hissed before he went and added some more wood onto the fire, smirking as he watched you relaxing. Your breasts were under the water and he couldn't see anything unless he got closer but the view of you was enough to make him hard. Staring down at his hands he realised how dirty he was from the soot after he threw a log onto the fire and so he moved closer to the tub and took off his towel.

"What are you doing?" You gasped out, your eyes trained on his face as you did your best not to look down at him.

"I'm covered in soot from the fire, I'm getting in." You scoffed at him and shook your head at him. There was no way he was going to get in when you were still in the bath yourself,

"No. I'm in it...Why don't you just wait?" You quizzed before he shrugged his shoulders and looked at the tub. There was clearly room for more than one person in it but that didn't mean you wanted to share a bath with him,

"So get out, or stay there. It's big enough." He chuckled, putting one foot into the water as you stared at him. He was right, you could get out and yet you choose to stay sitting there and yet you didn't bother to move,

"Felix!" You screamed, covering your eyes as he suddenly climbed into the water and sat across from you, staring at your eyes as you did your best not to show how nervous you were.

"See, relax. It's just a bath." He mumbled and stared at you, neither of you moving as you pulled your knees against your chest. Even though you were naked in front of someone you claimed to dislike you were strangely comfortable with him and you didn't have the urge to get out. In fact, you had a strong urge to move closer to him.

So you pushed the urge down as far as you could and tried to pretend as though you didn't have it.

"You're kind of hot, you know," Felix smirked before you splashed him for even thinking about you while the two of you were naked he groaned at you and shook his head,

"Stop splashing me," He ordered only for you to splash him again and he spat water out of his mouth and onto the floor,

"Hey! I fucking mean it!" He said before you splashed him once more, he was suddenly in front of you and pinning you to the back of the bath, 

"That's the last time you splash me," He tells you, your faces inches apart, you slowly licked your lip as you thought about how easy it would be to kiss him right now and your skin heated at the thought. 

"Do you hate me so much that you want to splash me all the time?" He smirked, he knew that your chest was raising and falling so quickly and not because you hated him. It was raising and falling so fast for the same reason that he was because you were attracted to one another.

"Yes." You lied through gritted teeth and Felix slowly licked his lip as he stared down at you,

"Oh? Is that why you're breathing so fast? Your chest is rising and falling so fast, maybe you must be that angry at me." He suggested as you nodded your head at him even though it was clearly a lie.

"Yeah."

"Yeah?" He smirked holding your cheek in his hand as he slowly ran his thumb along your bottom lip making you whimper at the small action.

"Is this making you angry?" He questioned with a deep chuckle when he felt your skin beginning to heat up at the sudden attention you were getting. 

"Y-Yes."

"Is that why you're stuttering? I can practically hear your heart pounding for me." He whispered, his breath getting caught on your lips as you let out a whimper.

"You're imagining it," You mumbled before he moved closer, your breaths getting caught on one another before he kissed you softly. Your heart thumped as you wrapped your arms around the back of his neck and bought him closer to you, both of you getting lost in one another as you made out in the water. Felix's hands slowly trailed down your sides until you pulled him closer to you, gently wrapping your legs around his waist as he pulled away to look at him.

"You sure you want to do this?" He questioned as he looked down at you, both of you breathing heavily as you nodded your head. You'd never been so sure about anything else, you wanted Felix and you could feel just how much he wanted you to. 

Kissing you softly Felix rested his forehead on yours as he slowly pushed into you, your whole body tensed up with how big he was. You hadn't looked before but it was hard to ignore when he was buried deep inside of you, Felix tangled his fingers with yours as you moaned out his name.

"D-Do that again, I liked that." He whispered as you looked up at him, breathlessly whispering his name as his whole body began to shudder. It was everything he'd been dreaming about since he met you. 

"F-Felix, please move." You begged for some kind of friction between you and he nodded, slowly beginning to move his hips as he angled himself deeply inside of you. 

The room was a mess of water and sheets, after your moment in the tub Felix and you couldn't seem to get enough of one another and you'd practically fucked on every surface inside of the room you had. 

"Yn..." Felix whispered, your head was resting against his bare chest as he slowly ran his fingers up and down your bare back,

"I want you to know that's not something I do all of the time...That meant something to me," He explained while looking down at you. He never would have done that if he didn't want there to be something more between the two of you and maybe it was the wrong time for all of the feelings to come out - since your brother was being held against his will - but if he didn't speak his mind now he was never going to.

"It did to me too," You said as you slowly turned your head to look up at him and smiled, his cheeks were pink with how flushed he was and he was beaming down at you.

"Yeah?"

"Felix...I-I think we should talk-"

"I've loved you. For a long time, I always tried to play it off as nothing, I thought maybe if I treated you like one of the guys the feeling of love would go away..." he shook his head at himself,

"It was dumb, I would insult you and tease you trying to act as though nothing was different and that I didn't have feelings for you when I did. But it's quite clear it's not going to. What did you want to say?" He questioned as he realised he'd cut you off with his little love confession he'd given to you. Your heart raced against your chest as you stared at him. He loved you?

"I was going to talk about a plan to get my brother...B-But I also like the confession you made," You felt your body heating up as you both sat up. The reality that you were supposed to be doing something important came halting back to you and you both smiled at one another, deciding that now was as good a time as any to come up with a cunning and daring plan.

"I love you too...In case...It wasn't obvious," You mumbled as he smirked at you, 

"Oh, it was, from the way you screamed my name loud enough for the whole Inn to hear-HEY!" He yelled out as you hit him with a pillow and sat up straight.

"what is it that they want from you?" Felix asked as you slowly looked down at your hands,

"This." You whispered as you held the necklace around your finger. Sitting on the chain was one of the largest diamond rings that Felix had ever seen,

"It was my mother's, dad used their money to get it. It's worth more than anything my brother could have gotten himself into. So this is what they want back...They can take it," You whispered as Felix watched you closely, biting down on his lip as he realised how hard this must have been for you. Bringing up all kinds of bad memories, he gently pulled you closer to him and smiled weakly,

"We'll get him back safely. I promise," Even though you knew it wasn't something he could promise you there was still a strange sense of comfort in his words and it made you feel as though you could believe him.

The plan was easy in theory - sneak inside while everyone was sleeping and take your brother with the element of surprise but when you and Felix got to the location you'd had to take out two men until you got inside. Everyone else appeared to be sleeping and you hadn't bumped into anyone inside the bar on your way up to the bedrooms. It was completely quiet except for some of the floorboards that would creek whenever you would pass over them.

"You find your brother," Felix whispered as he withdrew his sword, getting ready in case anyone decided to surprise you. You nodded and took the lead, looking through every door until you saw your brother tied to a wooden chair with blood coming from his nose and lip that was swollen. You knew he wasn't going to go easy and must have put up a fight,

"Lix." You whispered, reaching your hand out behind you to grab Felix by the shirt but when you pulled you realised it wasn't Felix and you bit down on your lip as you tried not to scream. The last thing you needed was to draw more attention to yourself when you knew you could take the guy.

"Looky, looky." The man with an eye patch chuckled deeply as he pinned you up against the wall, smirking as he took in a deep breath from your neck making you gag,

"Maybe we can use you for payments instead, you would be much-" Before the man could finish his sentence he was gargling on his own blood and you whimpered as you glanced at Felix who was behind him. The knife hit the man in the back of the head, killing him instantly which was good luck for you.

"I might be a little possessive," He joked before you both walked into the bedroom to free your brother from his bonds and helped him to his feet. It was worse than he was unconscious since you were going to have to carry the weight of him and fight anyone that could come up to you at any moment. 

"Yn," Felix grunted when he saw someone making their way over to you, you nodded and let go of your brother racing over to the man before sweeping his leg out from under him. He fell down to the floor with a loud crash and you shoved a dagger deep into the man's chest as hard as you could before standing up and rushing back to Felix.

"We get him on the horse, we'll sit him in the middle of us as we go." He told you before you nodded at him,

"I saw horses outside, I could take one-"

"If you think for one minute I'm letting you ride alone, you have another thing coming," He said protectively making your whole body tingle as you nodded at him,

"I'll be by your side then," You giggled as you both made your way out of the house and in the direction of where you'd hidden Sunshine in the woods.

"There's one more," Your brother mumbled as you got him onto the back of the horse, you frowned looking at him.

"F-Five guys," He mumbled before falling unconscious again and hitting Felix's back as he did so, you frowned and shook your head. If there was one more guy he would have presented himself.

"DUCK!" Felix screamed as he noticed an axe flying through the air, he moved out of the way and it lodged itself into the tree beside his head.

"That could have hit me," You seethed, grabbing the axe from the tree and staring over at the man who had thrown it. You recognised him from years ago, the ring leader of the whole operation and your blood boiled so much you thought it was like lava in your veins.

"The pretty sword handler, come to pay what I'm owed?" He questioned with a deep chuckle, you swallowed the lump in your throat as you took off the necklace and held it out for him.

"I think I should take more than that since you just killed three of my men,"

"They had it coming." You quickly said to him. You had no guilt for what you had done and you weren't going to back down from it since the men deserved it in the first place.

"Did they?"

"One tried to take me as payment, one came up behind and the other two were in my way." The man smirked at you and Felix stared at you both, his hand on his daggers as he got ready to jump in the second that you needed him. Not that he thought you did, he'd seen you handle yourself well with one of the men and he had no doubt you could do this by yourself.

"It's not very ladylike for a woman to be such a brute,"

"Then it's a good thing I never claimed to be ladylike," You hissed at him as he moved closer, bile hit the back of your throat as you remembered the way he'd savagely killed your father all those years ago and you pocketed the necklace. There was no way you were going to allow him to do this to other people in the world.

"That's mine,"

"Actually, it's mine." You told him as he came closer to you with a rather angry look on his face and you raised the axe, doing just as Chan had taught you and made sure the blade was perfectly straight before throwing it forward and releasing it. It whistled as it flew through the air and struck him in the chest as he fell down onto the floor.

"This is for my father," You hissed out before hitting him with your sword through the top of his shoulder and twisting it making the man grunt loudly,

"And ***this*** is for my brother," You spat out before driving the Samauri sword through his neck killing him instantly as he landed on the floor. Your chest was rising and falling quickly as you made your way over to Felix who was quick to help you onto the back of his horse and ride off into the woods with you. 

Your brother slept soundly on your bed in your house and you and Felix sat in your living area, taking in deep breaths as you tried to process everything. There was a chance that Chan would kill the two of you when you got back to work tomorrow but it was a chance Felix was willing to take. There was no way he was going to let you do something so dangerous alone and he was glad he hadn't, you never would have made it without him.

"You couldn't have done it without me, admit it." He taunted as you glared at him, shaking your head before sipping on the hot drink from your cup.

"If I give you an ego boost me and the boys will never hear the end of it," You whined before he pulled you closer and kissed your lips softly, 

"Please. I just want to hear it once." He begged, his eyes turning into a puppy-like stare as he looked at you, 

"Ugh you're so fucking annoying," You whined at him before nodding and closing your eyes and groaning as you decided to admit it.

"As painful as it is for me to admit this...I couldn't have done it without you," Suddenly his lips pressed against yours and you hummed softly, kissing him back as he gently wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close to him while you tried to put down your glass.

"I couldn't have done it without you either, you're incredible with a sword," You gasped loudly as soon as he finished his sentence and he rolled his eyes at you,

"Was that a compliment?"

"It may have been," He mumbled before you got up and rushed out to look for your calendar while Felix watched you with a frown on his face.

"What are you doing?" He laughed before you grabbed a pen and smirked to yourself.

"Marking the day that you complimented me. I don't want to forget," You teased before he groaned at you and rushed to stand up behind you and hold you from behind.

"I'll give you more," He whispered in your ear, kissing your cheek softly as you completely relaxed in his arms. This was the beginning of a very strong and happy relationship and partnership if Chan was going to let you continue working together.

tagline: @chiisaiblog @hanasonmi @sw33tnight @taestannie @army24--7 @acciocriativity @scarletemeterio @kimahnjung98 @halesandy @aerastus @ethereallino @afternoonteabiscuit @itmehc @heeseunger24​ @laylasbunbunny​ @critssq​ @pearlygraysky​ @lenfilms​ @btsiguess-kpop​

[sephirthoughts]

sliding more snacks into your inbox > A-Z ask game: O(tailored) bc I'd like to put a song in your hands[And Then is Heard No More, Library of Ruina], W, X please!

O - Choose a song, what ship or character does it remind you of?

You chose the song and let me tell you what happened. I accidentally opened it in two windows, asynchronously, offset by almost exactly 42 seconds, and then i didn't shut the second window because it blew my fucking mind. Now I can't stop listening to it like this. 😂 It clashes in a couple places but that just feels appropriately eerie because it's such a weird fucking song. Like if i didn't look at the windows, i couldn't tell you when one ends and it's only the other winding down. I'm pretty sure it only works so well because the vocaloid's cadence and intonation are all so bizarre. Anyway that's where I'M at.

The song SCREAMS Sephiroth/Cloud to me. The lyrics just go right along with their whole story, plus the fact that its weird and kind of disembodied fits their mental states really well.

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

hoooo boy, there are many of these. i stuck with my top two for the sake of not being here all week. also, before i dive in, i wanted to say that if a trope is done really well, i will likely enjoy it anyway, and i LOVE subverted tropes, especially for comedy purposes.

1: Woobified badasses. I really dislike seeing characters who are grown-ass adults who Have Seen Some Shit de-fanged, de-clawed, and behaving like teenaged girls (unless it's forced feminization for BDSM in which case we can talk as FUCK). Anyway, we are all free to play-pretendsies however we like and i'm not offended—it's all fiction—i just don't really want to read it. i don't mean tough-guys having soft moments, i actually LOVE that (give me sephiroth gently carrying a kitty cat to safety before he goes back to finish immolating nibelheim any day). however, oftentimes i see this particular trope happening and it's clearly because the writer has too little scope or empathy, and can't inhabit a character's actual perspective enough to write them in-character. which is perfectly fine, but not for me. i don't demand rigorous adherence to canon (obviously considering every single character i write is trans and/or gay and/or pansexual) but i like the fictional characters i like to at least be recognizable.

2: Pregnancy. Ugh. First of all, it's never done well. Second of all, I am not interested in it whatsoever, even if it was done well. male pregnancy is even more of an ugh. two reasons...three reasons. 1) pregnancy is an eldritch horror beyond my will to contemplate, let alone write or read about in fiction, which i write and read FOR FUN. 2) mpreg is almost guaranteed to be some deeply misogynist shit redirected at male characters (i'm talking to you a/b/o) OR plain ol fetish stuff (which is great have your fun but it's not a fetish i have, so it's not for me). and before anyone says well transmasc people can get pregnant, welcome to reason 3) if it's not omegaverse, it's the transmasc character being made to pop out babies for people's heteronormative family-dynamic fantasies. which sucks. because why must parenting be biological to be valid? why is adoption less worthwhile? why must trans men be forced back into female gender roles to serve as baby machines? i don't speak for everyone on earth and have fun with that if it's your bag but i can't hang with it, so no thank ye. in this house, boypussy is for sexy fun times ONLY.

X- A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.

enemies to lovers enemies to lovers enemies to lovers, or just enemies to enemies who fuck, either way i cannot get enough of hostile sexual tension

sunshine X dark and scary sunshine protector. even better if the dark and scary one is actually protecting everyone else, because the sunshine is secretly a walking apocalypse

our souls are bound together in eternity and i will find you in every universe you stupid bastard

character A: i am unworthy to even think of B so i shall secretly worship them from this respectful distance whilst wasting away from lovesickness because i respect admire and adore them far too much to ever let them know of my disgusting perverse obsession with their angelic self character B: when the hell is A gonna fuck me?

Thank you so much for the ask! Sorry it took so long to get to! I am slowly working through my inbox between family stuff and no-lifing every FF7 game.

[omgcatboi]

hi, sorry I have a question - will trans feedees who've gotten breast reductions but not top surgery be excluded just like post-op trans feedees?

Hmm... Let me think on that. That's a gray area I haven't considered yet. The point of the master list is to fight the idea that trans people need surgeries to be validated. Because us pre op trans folk are ALWAYS pushed aside for post op folk. And its not the fault of post op folk, its because we live in a shitty world where people don't think you're a guy worth giving representation to if you've got G cups.

Though , a reduction is somewhere in the middle. I think it depends on your body type itself. Because the whole reason I'm even doin this thing is to give more diverse bodies the limelight they deserve. I'm tired of all the fuckin trans men in " inclusive" art having top scars. Bc that's not even realistic for the common ftm in the south. People don't realize how IMPOSSIBLE it is to access 10,000$ plus follow up fees when you are poor in the south ( NO insurance here covers these procedures for gender affirmation. Privilege white queers who never had to wonder if they'll be able to afford to eat for the next 3 days do NOT interact with this post bc u don't know anything Abt the POOR trans experience.)

like, my hrt provider ( who has done more for the trans community than I've seen any other provider do. This woman has MEETINGS WITH THE WHITEHOUSE!!! to fight for our rights. This woman MEETS WITH SENATORS to fight for our rights. Bless her and may she live forever. ) had to sit me down bc I was in crisis. I was in crisis bc every single time I saw a trans man being represented, he had top scars. Because everytime someone dmed me in a dating app,it was to ask if I got " the surgery." It was because I couldn't find any transmasc that looked like me that was desired by anyone. And it made me feel unseen. It made me feel like I was alone,the ugly duck no one wanted bc I didn't have over 10,000$ to drop on surgery that, in the end, I realize I don't even want! She had to sit me down and explain that MOST transmascs will NEVER realistically afford top surgery. And she was explaining that I didn't need it to be valid. She alone talked me through my crisis and walked with me to the light at the end of the tunnel. ( Bless you, Stacie. Even tho ik you won't see this. )

THAT is why I made the master post. ( And why i even have this blog w my tits out to begin with. )

So it just depends! If you feel you lack representation, then I will absolutely add you to the list too!! Everyone deserves to feel seen! NO ONE deserves to feel the way I felt.

[liquidstar]

(this is NOT meant as a "gotcha!" thing, just genuine curiosity. This is about the goldberg post you reblogged btw.) Wanting your own house forever is valid, but it makes me curious about your opinion of marrying someone who ALSO doesn't want anyone in their house and would like to live separately. I don't see why giving up your space has to be a requirement for everybody who gets married. (Obviously its fine to still not want that either lol. Not wanting marriage for any reason is valid!)

oh i wouldnt have seen this as a gotcha, i think its a pretty innocuous question about living arrangements w partners lol

but no yeah i actually totally agree with you, theres no reason marriage has to look like how society tells us to. you know, a man and a woman in the suburbs with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a dog. i think that you can absolutely have any sort of arrangement you want with your partner

for a long time while i was growing up my parents were long distance, and that was fine and normal to me. i understand now that this wasnt really a choice (with the financial crisis in greece, my dad had to move to america to find work, and we all eventually moved once enough money was saved up etc) but like, it didnt make them any less married in my eyes. and i think that you can absolutely be in different houses even by choice and still be married if thats the kind of relationship youre both happy and secure with. who cares, right?

similarly my grandparents have different bedrooms but never had marital issues. my grandma just likes having her own space during the day, and she says theyd usually just pick one of the rooms to sleep in overnight. thats a mindset i can totally get behind and honestly that would also totally be the ideal setup for me, if i were to ever hypothetically get married.

i joked in the post's tags that one of my most "23 year old opinions" is not wanting to get married and start a family, and a lot of that is just because i dislike the idea of those obligations. but i also think a lot of that is because im young enough that i dont really see it as something i want- i still wanna be single and have fun because thats the kind of asshole i am (JOKE!). like, commitment to something that long term is just not in my field of vision yet. i do genuinely not want kids though but thats a different story. a spouse is something id want only if we really clicked i guess. but isnt that the case for everyone?

but for the time being i dont want anyone in my house LOL and maybe once i do we can have different rooms and do sleepovers like my grandma's genius idea

[grapejuicegay]

Thai BL Favorites List Tag Game

I was tagged by @feralmuskyscentedhoepran @casualavocados @waitmyturtles (look guys! I'm actually getting to a tag game relatively fast this time!)

Favourite bl:

Could it be anything but Bad Buddy? It's my first ever bl, it changed my life, I met some of my favourite people on here because of it and it just destroys me every single day just be existing. It got me with a flying kick in the chest and I have never let go since

Favourite pairing:

I joined at such a great time in bl and I've had an absolutely wonderful amazing 2 years with so many great pairings. But I love Ink with my whole entire heart and I love both of them and just their very existence as a pairing is Such a Big Deal in the industry as a whole that it can't be anything but

My girls!!!! I have nothing more to say

More underrated actor:

I think it's a toss up between Sing Harit and Aou Thanaboon. I'm excited every time Sing has any sort of role in any show I watch. He's brilliant and SO good. Just like with Neo, he's great at comic relief and effortlessly funny but also SO GOOD in a serious role. And Aou just showed up like a year ago and maybe I'm biased because I'm obsessed with Mes and I love him as Max but I just want to see more of him.

Favourite character:

Feral. Musky Scented. Hoe. Baby Boy. King of Repression. Menace. Dimples. Pran Parakul Siridechawat. I love him so much.

Favourite side character:

Wat "you are what you eat. what you take builds who you are" Wasuwat. Just making movies and looking out for his friends and being their voice of reason in the face of the impossible pressure on all of their shoulders.

Favourite scene:

The Eclipse ep 6 beach scene!

Not just because it's such a good scene but also because it's the reason @casualavocados and I finally started talking after months of lurking around each others' blogs. Julian ily never forget the big meta 💖💖

Favourite line:

I've already yelled with @dribs-and-drabbles and @dimplesandfierceeyes how absolutely insane "I'm tired of pretending to hate you while your face has taken over my heart" is.

But also, "I can't change the world but the world can't change me either"

It's such a powerful line delivered in the sunniest of settings. It's validating and empowering and comforting. It's as big a hug as Uncle Tong gives the boys when they say goodbye.

Most anticipated bl and why:

Only Friends and 23.5 Degrees. I don't think I need to explain

Healthiest relationship in a bl:

They snipe and snark at each other constantly but the only reason it works is because they know each other inside and out. They look out for each other, they fight but they figure it out, they talk about everything. They love each other not despite of their flaws but because of them (it's literally canon!). They make me want to tear my hair out with how much they love each other.

Most toxic relationship in a bl:

I've been very very lucky so far to have watched only great to average shows. I know they exist, but not for me they don't 🥰

Guilty pleasure series:

I don't think I really have any?? Largely because guilty pleasure is usually assigned to shows that are cheesy and/or pulpy shows that you don't like to admit to enjoying because you don't want to admit to watching them at all. I just enjoy enough objectively bad media (fast and furious franchise my beloved) to not really feel guilty over anything I like anymore.

Bonus! Most underrated series:

Agreeing with both @casualavocados and @waitmyturtles on Triage and He's Coming to Me. Both of them absolutely fantastic and DEFINITELY need more attention.

This was fun! I don't know who to tag that hasn't done this already! I guess I haven't seen one yet from @dimplesandfierceeyes @respectthepetty @lost-my-sanity1 @jemmo. If anyone else wants to do this, consider yourself tagged too!

[mncgrt]

ꨄ︎

i have a trouble letting people get close to me. whenever they do, i immediately pull back, isolate myself, and push them away. it also happened when i and my partner began dating. we went on dates for 40 days straight, and by then i had begun to open up more, talking about the past, the future, and the depths of my mind. the only reason the 40-day streak stopped was because i recognized how close he had gotten to me, and i immediately ghosted him. i even pondered breaking up, but i held back because there was no valid reason, and i also didn't want to break the friend group we were in.

that's my problem. so my "friends", or more specifically, "acquaintances", just come and go. they don't stay long enough because i never allow it, and they don't have the patience for it. most of the time, i forget about them as time passes. however, that is not always the case. see, i am a woman with a way with words. i enjoy words, as well as other types of art. it's an important aspect of my life, therefore if someone drew a picture of me or wrote a poem with the image of me in mind, i couldn't forget it. it'd be etched in my mind and branded on my heart. i'd rather have a poem about me than a designer bag any day.

yet, people rarely ever write or draw me, regardless of how many words i've written about them, with tenderness, adoration, devotion, and sometimes, solemn. funny enough, the closer people are to me, the less i'd be seen through their art. perhaps that's not in their nature, perhaps i'm just simply not that important. i don't know, and i'd rather not delve deep enough to find out why, given how pointless it would be.

however, there are also half-strangers. they would give me such wonderful words, full of loving sentiments, that a single sentence would bring me to tears. i would never hate anyone who used to write or draw for me; i might be angry with them for years, but "hate" is not a term i would use. for there is still a part of me that yearns to be someone's inspiration, to be someone's moonlight reflected in the water, to be someone's fleeting dream that they crave to revisit. that portion would always love them dearly.

what a shame.

[coro-chan6]

Somehow Supernatural

Chapter 2: It's All Starting to Feel Real

Tags: poc!oc, gn!oc, teen!oc, panic attack, heavy cursing, Dean always needs his own warning, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of anxiety, Cas not taking a hint, Deanstiel (or whatever the fuck Dean and Cas's ship name is), general chaos

Summary: The Winchesters and Cas have a meeting about Casey. It doesn't go too well, and Casey realizes what shit their stuck in.

Words: 2,675

I kinda felt like I was gonna vomit. Not because I needed to vomit, but because my tum-tum was doing flips and turns like a fucking rollercoaster due to my crippling anxiety. Usually, I would do little exercises that helped me regulate like my mom taught me, but that just reminded me that I was in a different universe where I might not be able to see my mom - or anyone I knew in real life - ever again. These consistent, little thoughts did not help my already upside-down stomach.

I was sitting in the bunker, in the room with the table that has the big map of the world. I liked to call this room the “meeting room” when I watched the show because… they met people in the meeting room. Come on, it was like the foyer of the bunker so everyone had to pass through it to fight and argue and shiz.

Anyway, I was sitting in the meeting room surrounded by men that I never thought I’d ever meet in person. Maybe the reason for my anxious tum was because of the “omg-smexy-men-are-staring-at-me” effect. If so… give me an anxiety stomach ache every day.

Dean sat straight across from me at the map table. Even though he wasn’t in pouncing position anymore, he was still on guard; which, I mean, valid. All that shit he’s gone through definitely made him a tough cookie. 

Castiel was standing right behind Dean’s chair like a guardian angel. I mean, literally right behind. He was basically breathing down the hunter's neck. Maybe he liked the smell.

And Sam.

Oh. Sammy. Boy!

He had his ass sat directly on the table and was staring at me in wonder. Sam’s hair was hanging in his face at an angle that was just… perfect. It was also the perfect length, not short enough to make him look like he was 15 and not long enough where he looked crusty. Did I mention that he looked fucking perfect? Honestly, if I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought Sam was the angel.

No offense, Cas.

All three attractive men were gathered around the meeting table to discuss me. Me! I was kinda feeling myself and basking in the attention that I was getting from multiple hot men before I realized something a bit alarming.

Dean, Castiel, and Sam… were deciding what to do with me. I wouldn’t put it past Dean if he decided to kill me or abandon me in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. He doesn’t seem like the type to have a father instinct for just some random teen.

…or maybe whoever’s body I’m occupying is important to him.

“Y’all gonna talk or just stare?” I asked. Yes, during my whole internal monologue full of ogling men and withering away from anxiety, not a single person talked. They gave each other looks, but they didn’t utter a word. 

Someone finally decided to speak up after realizing how weird they were being.

“So…” Sam started. He had his hand thoughtfully under his chin. I thought I might mention it because it almost took me out, “You just appeared out of nowhere?”

“I mean, I guess so. I’m just as confused as you guys are,” I spin in my chair, “Honestly, I thought I was just having one of my regularly scheduled psychedelic dreams but then, I woke up with Dean in my face.”

“A dream?” Castiel asked.

“Yeah, dude, a dream. I was basically floating in this void and then I started hearing someone telling me to wake up and then… Dean’s face.” I took another twirl in my chair. 

The guys looked like they were trying to solve a puzzle. They had their thinking caps on full blast, you should have seen their faces. 

“Did you try the usual holy water, sliver, cross stuff?” Sam turned to Dean in question.

“Yeah,” Dean replied.

I get trying to make sure I’m not a bad type of baddie, but he could have used his non-dominant hand so it wouldn’t be as hard cause damn. That shit really hurt.

“They didn’t try to attack you?” Sam continued.

“No.”

“Then, I think we should be good for now. We can let them stay here since they seem discombobulated,” Bless you, Sam. You’re the greatest of all these fuckers.

“But if they try anything, they're out,” Cas nodded along with Dean’s words. The angel barely even looked like he was listening to what Dean was actually saying, “And if we figure out you were lying about who you are, I will find a way to send you to hell. Trust me.” 

Go shit on a brick, Dean. And you too Cas, agreeing with Dean like a lost puppy. 

“Okay…” I muttered. I didn’t really like the idea of dying, especially if it was in someone else’s body, but what could I have done? Said no? Been kicked to the curb? I’m not really worth anything to them so-

…wait.

“You never told me, whose body is this?” 

All of a sudden, it got a little awkward. Sam’s cheeks were pink and Dean was avoiding my eyes. Even Cas looked a little weird.

“Well-” Dean started.

“We-” 

“Sam found the kid on a hunt and couldn’t help but save them. They almost died, but Sammy got Cas to heal them,” Dean blurted. Sam’s face turned a dark red now that the truth was out to the masses.

“W-well you cared about them enough to train them!” Sam retorted. Now it was Dean’s turn for a red face. 

“You brought them stacks of books!”

“You made them your big bacon breakfast…three times! I can barely get you to cook for me!”

“You eat salad. I’m not making a fucking salad for a meal!” 

“It’s good for your body! Your body will rot away from all the red meat you eat!”

“At least I’m not eating rabbits' food!”

“You know,” Cas finally piped up, “The kid was bound to die.”

Silence. Damn, dude. That was a bit harsh, wasn’t it? From what I heard just now, the Winchester brothers really liked this kid. It kind of makes me feel bad for pushing them from their own body, but… what was Cas saying?

“They were meant to die the night of the hunt. Right on the floor of their living room where you found them. It was their fate. It was a miracle I was able to heal them and it was almost impossible for them to survive a month like they did,” Sam and Dean were getting pissed. Castiel - bless his heart - didn’t seem to notice, “They were never supposed to have formed relations with you two because you weren’t supposed to meet them while they were still alive.”

Poor Cas and his sucky communication skills. Now due to his harsh words, the angel’s collar was being winkled by Dean’s man hands. Castiel didn’t look alarmed at all. I wasn’t sure if it was because Dean was a mere human or because the majority of the Supernatural fandom was right about these two.

“Shut up,” Dean seethed. Sam was hovering behind Dean either waiting his turn to get a lick in or making sure Dean didn’t take it too far. I was now feeling really bad because this was all making a bit of sense. I finally understood why Castiel didn’t seem fazed by my sudden appearance, why he’s been saying all this shit about how this person should be dead already.

Speaking of Castiel, he was just letting Dean choke him up against the table. I knew he didn’t really need my help in the situation, but I was starting to feel a little awkward just sitting there. It’s way different seeing these men fight when they’re on screen and I’m in a whole other world looking like a mole rat on my couch. 

With courage that I didn’t know I had, I muttered, “Guys… I need to take a shit. Real bad.”

Three pairs of eyes turned to look at me in… surprise? Disgust? Both? It didn’t really matter what they thought of my statement, all that mattered was Castiel’s insensitive words were forgotten. For now.

Fingers combing through his hair, Sam sighed, “Come on then,” he said, walking off. He expected me to follow him and I did. To the best of my ability. He’s got long fucking legs, so he’s got even longer fucking strides. I had to practically run and I’m of average height!

Sam finally stopped at the door to the bathroom. I didn’t actually have to shit, but I figured I could use this opportunity of aloneness to recoup, realign, and do all things zen. 

Closing the door to the bathroom, I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. Today was one of the weirdest days of my life. I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad weird yet, but it was weird. I never thought I would travel to a different universe. I never thought I would ever meet the Winchesters. I never thought I would get to walk with my own two feet - mostly - through the bunker that I’ve adored for years. 

What the hell brought me here? I wasn’t really complaining, but I still have to wonder. Was this planned? Was this person’s body kept alive for me to go in it? Do I have to save this world somehow? Am I connected to something here? Was this fate like Castiel mentioned?

I sat on the toilet seat feeling pretty lost. I wasn’t sure why it was so bright in the fucking bathroom, but it was bothering me so I slammed my face onto my lap. It was dark and warm and what I really needed at the moment. 

I know, a really sharp change in my emotions, but that’s just how it be sometimes. Perhaps being alone right now wasn’t the best decision. Usually, being alone worked, but now it felt like there were 20-pound weights on my shoulders, and it was getting kind of hard to breathe. It was also really hot, so I started squirming on the toilet seat like that was gonna cool me off.  I don’t know what I thinking because that’s not how heat works.

Then, I thought I could sit on the floor and continue my deep ponder about how the fuck I got into this situation, but I finally realized I was having a panic attack and didn’t really want to move. I found that if I moved, I would black out or it would be 10 times worse, but who knows, maybe this body works differently.

So, I moved to the floor. The floor was nice and cool, but then I started thinking about spiders because I was on the floor in an underground bathroom and spiders here really made sense. I wanted to get back on the toilet, but my body didn’t wanna listen. So now, I was a lump of a human on the bathroom floor that was probably shivering, but I couldn’t really feel my body anymore.

I wonder why when my body’s panicking my thoughts are calmer than when my body’s not panicking. It doesn’t really make sense. Like, none of my thoughts were screaming at me or telling me to do stupid shit. They were just calmly saying stuff like ‘you should get up’ or ‘there might be spiders here’ or ‘your probably gonna die, but take your time’. 

Yeah, the calm thoughts were definitely worst.

Now I recognized the feeling of tears falling down my face and I felt pretty pathetic. I mean, what the fuck was I crying for? Nothing was wrong. They hadn’t killed me yet. I’d always wanted to travel to another world, but I guess my body couldn’t take it. Wait! This wasn’t even my fucking body!

“So goddamn pathetic,” I wheezed. My right cheek was pressed against the floor and when I talked I could feel the tears smearing all over the place and it gave me the ick, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying. 

I love to mention the fact that I have a superiority complex, but I never talk about the opposite of that. My dandy ‘you’re a fucking loser and will never do anything in your life’ complex. It always sneaks up on me at the worst times, like when I’m supposed to be enjoying myself in another universe for crying out loud, and makes me feel more worthless than - fucking - everything. It makes me wanna crawl into a hole and never come back out.

Feeling worthless and having a panic attack simultaneously isn’t the best. It means not only can you not breathe, but you also don’t feel like trying. So, I laid on the floor of the bathroom and didn’t do any of the breathing exercises that my therapist taught me. I just waited to black out.

“Hey, kid, you doing okay in there?” Sam’s voice sounded so far away. I could barely hear it. My lungs were starting to hurt from lack of air, so I curled my aching body into a pathetic little ball.

Pathetic.

“Did you hear me?” Sam sounded. I didn’t move a muscle. I wasn’t surprised when I heard his footsteps getting farther from the door. Of course, he would abandon me. Even I would abandon myself. I was so damn pathetic that I didn’t deserve to be cared for.

Bang!

“Kid! What the hell?” Sam’s voice was now closer. Was it odd that I could smell him? Was I really that desperate for someone that I was imagining things?

So fucking pathetic.

Strong arms lifted me off the floor. I was now pushed against a firm chest and not cold tiles. I don’t think I was imagining this, but I wasn’t gonna get my hopes up. I couldn’t see much because of the tears, so I just snuggled deeper into Sam’s flannel.

More footsteps approached. More voices.

“What the hell happened?”

“They were in the bathroom and I heard sobbing, but they wouldn’t answer the door.”

“Are they hurt?” 

“No, I think they’re having a panic attack.”

“A what?”

“A panic attack, Dean. I’m just gonna get them to lay down somewhere other than the floor.”

“The floor? Did they pass out?”

Sam brushed my hair back to see my face, “Maybe. They’re awake now.”

When we got to the couch, Sam put me down and crouched in front of me. He was looking into my eyes while I was trying to look at his. 

“Breathe with me,” Sam whispered gently. 

I tried to do what he said, but my lungs were burning. Every breath I tried to take would come out shaky or devolve into a sob. Sam slowly took my hands, giving me a chance to pull away, and continued breathing with me. It took a while, but soon I was breathing steadily and my crying had stopped.

“You okay?” Sam asked.

I nodded.

“You want some water?” 

I nodded again.

“Dean?” Sam turned to his brother that was standing behind him, “Mind getting them some water?”

Before Dean could move Castiel appeared with a glass of water in hand. I hadn’t even noticed he had left. The angel handed me the glass and while I gulped it down, he stayed hovered over me. He looked really worried, but I wasn’t sure why.

“Does this happen a lot?” Sam questioned. His hand was still holding one of mine. It was comforting.

“Yeah,” I croaked, “No big deal.”

“Is there something wrong with them?” The shorter brother asked.

“Nah, I’m just kinda sensitive,” I huffed, “Kind of hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with that in this body.”

“Sorry you have to,” said Sam, “I know how it feels.”

Well, well, well. One of my personal headcannons was true. 

I gave Sam a smile and finally let go of his hand. I didn’t really wanna talk about this anymore.

“So, you guys got anything to eat?”

I used my own experience with panic attacks to write the scene in this chapter, so if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

AN: loved this chapter sm. I really like the tone of this fanfiction and I'm gonna try to keep it like this so when it gets dark... well- it doesn't get too depressing.

Hope you enjoyed!

[deflect-daily]

I’m an evolutionary dead-end #childfreebychoice

There were countless individuals before me who successfully reproduced and passed on their genetic material, generation after generation, from single-cell organism to homo sapiens, until this very point in the history of my personal phylogenetic tree. I am not pregnant, I never was and I never will be. I got sterilized on December 12th 2022 and it feels like a second birthday to me.

In the following text, I want to write down some of the thoughts and reflections I had about the topic of (not) having children and why I am convinced, that (female) sterilization is a political act of emancipation. Quoting the feminist movement during the 60s and 70s: “the personal is political”, I wish to give you some insights of the implication of this radical act of self-appropriation. After having undergone the procedure, I decided to write a text, that I would have enjoyed reading many years ago when I thought about sterilization the first time. 

In case some of you are triggered by this topic: This is my personal opinion, my personal choice for my body and my future. I am not saying, what i did is best for you or anyone else. It is important to me that everybody always has the freedom of choice. 

Yet, in my eyes, having children is a thing only for people who really want to become parents. And, even more importantly: People who decided to become parents should be aware of the scope of engagement, the responsibility and the severity that is connected to the act of bringing a person to life. This decision is always to be made consciously and carefully. 

Why I don't want to be a parent

Listing all the reasons against having kids and discussing them in detail would take too long and maybe also be too controversial. If you want to get inspired about some of the reasons, you can read "No kid - Quarante raisons de ne pas avoir d'enfant" by Corinne Maier. I share many of them, but my personal list exceeds 40 reasons by far ;)  

Just to make this clear: I never wanted kids. I, 34 years old today, identify as a cis woman but I never saw myself as a mother nor did I ever envision "having my own family" as a life goal.

All my friends know that I am not a huge fan of children. And, most importantly: I am not willing to invest the time and money into such a life-changing project. I have enough hobbies and interests to keep myself busy for at least 200 years. There's simply not enough space in my life for my own offspring.

“People who don’t have kids are egocentric and self-centered”

Provided that one has access to affordable contraceptives, the choice of having kids or not immediately becomes one that has to be actively made. And, from that point on, it always becomes an egocentric choice. Often, people who voluntarily decide against reproduction, are seen as antisocial and egoistic, demonstrating a lack of solidarity because they do not provide the future generation, future working forces, future tax-payers, future pension-payers. You probably already see where this is going... The personal and societal reasons, most people name for having children are egocentric as well: "I want to leave some traces here on planet earth", "I don't want to be alone when I'm older", "I want to pass on my values/genes/beliefs". Having kids because there’s a need for human beings to care for you when you’re retired, financially and physically, is also quite self-centered... isn’t it? 

Or, a very common phrase is "it is just part of life" - which shows, if anything, a lack of reflection. Life is so full of incredible things. Having kids is just one of them. "It has always been like that" is also not a valid argument. Period. If you disagree, then please think about what that means for suppression of minorities, women and POC, the exploitation of nature, the burning of fossil fuels and so on and so forth... Can we please move on? 

The fallacy of the "mother instinct" and the ideal of a "good mother"

The so called "mother instinct" which is the idea that woman just have an internal drive to care for others, especially children, is a social construct that bares no scientific background but can be very useful when one aims to naturalize the societal inequality of women and men. There is no scientific evidence, that women just generally care more than men, but, if we all believe, that women have a natural, inherent drive to care for children, it is way easier to make them stay at home with the kids, give up a career and accept to be underpaid or not paid at all. 

The idea of a "good mother" with all the associated concepts and expectations has been used for centuries to establish and solidify patriarchal structures within society. There is this idea of this strong bond between a mother and her kids that is unique and indispensable and especially important during the first three years of life. If the mother is not (sufficiently) around during this time, the child will suffer great psychological damage that can never be fully healed. Of course, the mother cannot be replaced by any other person, neither father, grandparents or other family members, friends or other loving kin. So, if the mother’s not available to the child for whatever reason, the child will be broken for the rest of it’s life and the mother’s to blame. 

I guess, I don’t have to tell you, that there is no scientific evidence for this bullsh*t either and that we, as a society should drop these misconceptions rather sooner than later. 

Enforcing the duty not just to bear children, but also to devote their lives to the upbringing of their kids, exerts an enormous pressure on women. Womanhood has long been and still is directly connected to motherhood. Only those women who bear children and care for them are real women and thus, only those who make their children the utmost priority, are good mothers, good women. 

Sarah Diel describes the background of these ideas and the associated suppression of women very well in her book "Die Uhr, die nicht tickt" which I strongly recommend. 

Care for others is independent of the bloodline. If one feels the need to care for others, this does not necessarily mean that the beings cared for are one's own offspring. Donna Harraway says it in perfect terms: "Make kin, not babies!". Care, intimacy and responsibility for others are incredibly important, but can be shared between all humans and even across species, not just between mothers and their kids.

“But isn't there an alternative?” - Some words on contraception

Let's get everyone on the same page: Contraception is still a problem with a variety of unsatisfactory solutions and eventually, still a women’s.

Even though, there is a promising idea for men on the rise, called RISUG (Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance), it seems like there's no real interest taken in developing the product by pharmaceutical companies. The first time this popped up on screens dates back to more than a decade ago and there has still no real progress been made. The research on RISUG or “vasalgel” was mostly done by the Parsemus Foundation who now seems to have sold the idea to a private company. On their website, they claim, that the product will be on the market, “as soon as clinical studies and regulatory approvals are completed”. Whatever that means... The only thing I know, is that I am not willing to wait for this it to arrive on the market.

So, to put this prospect aside, when we discuss solutions to the contraception problem, we basically have the following options with their corresponding PIs (PI = pearl index):

Condoms; PI of 18-21

Hormonal contraception (pills, rings, patches, implants, injections, IUDs, you name it); PI varying from 0.05 to 9, depending on the method

Heavy metals (copper IUDs); PI of 0.8

Some unsafe alternatives like spermicide creams or gels, withdrawal and "fertility awareness methods" that in my opinion do not really count as contraceptives due to very high pearl indices of >18

Vasectomy (male sterilization; PI 0.1) and female sterilization (tubal ligation; PI 0.5)

(I took the PI values from here)

The only options here, that can be used by men are condoms and vasectomy. Hormonal contraceptives have a looooooooong list of side effects that are not just diverse but also in parts severe, the most dangerous being the increased risk of blood clots (elevated risk of thromboses, strokes, pulmonary emboli and heart attacks) and cancer (breast and cervical cancer). And not to be forgotten: The adverse effects on the psyche like mood swings, depression and decreased libido. 

Hormonal contraception and copper IUDs have the huge advantage of being extremely safe and also reversible. For anyone, who is not sure about whether they wanna have children or not, this is the way to go - in monogamous and/or tested environments - until better options are available. Quick reminder on the side: Condoms are still the only contraceptive option around that also protects against (some, not all) STDs... 

Whoever is willing to have a permanent solution: sterilization is the only option.

Female sterilization is actually the method of contraception mostly used worldwide with high prevalence in Asia, Latin and North America. Around the world 219 million women are sterilized whereas only 16 million men underwent vasectomy (source). The usage of the different methods of contraception by continent can be seen here:

Figure 1: Contraceptive prevalence among married or in-union women aged 15 to 49 by method and region, 1990 and 2011. Source: United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affair (2013), Trends in Contraceptive Methods Used Worldwide. Population facts No. 2013/9. 

Why this digression on contraception? Because the number of suitable options is limited. I was on hormonal contraceptives for roughly 10 years. I was one of the lucky ones who experienced only mild side effects. But still, at one point, I decided that I want to get off the hormonal treatment and got a copper IUD. Since then, I enjoy the physical and mental benefits of a natural menstrual cycle. I am again a lucky one to have only mild discomfort during my period and I do not suffer from conditions like e.g. PCOS or endometriosis. Overall, my reproductive organs do fine. And yet, getting the IUD installed was one of the most painful things ever. Not so much because of the rather intense pain, but more because of the quality of the pain. It felt like some part of me, deep within my guts, that was not supposed to be touched by anything ever, was hurt. Ugh. 

Never again. 

I was looking for a better option. Yes, vasectomy is a way smaller intervention than a tubal ligation, which is always performed under general anesthesia, but for various reasons, that I also discussed thoroughly with my partner, I wanted a  permanent solution for myself.

And I was incredibly lucky. I found great support not just from my friends and my gynecologist, but there’s also an information center in the city I live in, where I was given all the necessary information and direct contact to doctors that do tubal ligations. I expected the process to be extremely tough because I had listened to the story of a lady, aged 29, who had fought six months to get the procedure done. I was scared. But the path unfolded surprisingly smooth and a few months after my first visit at the information center, I got sterilized. 

“But what if you change your mind?”

This is what people always said to me, when I was telling them, that I do not intend to have children: "Wait until you're older!" "I thought the same, when I was your age" "I'm sure you'll change your mind".

The comments became less as i grew older, especially after turning 30, but still, occasionally, I got to hear the same old phrases. 

As if it was impossible to be certain of whether you want to have a family or not in your 20s. As if women are not capable of taking this decision on the basis of emotional and/or rational reasons until they passed a certain age - that is, of course, defined by society. 

Society claims, that at a certain moment in life *flick*, like magic, a woman’s kid-switch is engaged in the brain, that sets off the internal clock which will take away the steering wheel of rationality. And everyone knows that this is going to happen, except the woman herself.

Young women, even kids, that talk about their wish to have a family one day are never treated as their wishes were irrational or will fade "once they get older". 

I personally made the experience, that the older I got, the stronger I was convinced that I won’t have children. Of course, I had moments of insecurity that this might change one day. But this is normal and happens with many more or less important life choices like getting tattooed, signing up for a school or university, moving to another city or breaking up with a partner. Doubts are normal. 

I will have to live with the consequences of my decisions. And so do you with yours. 

That being said, there is also no guarantee that mothers do change their mind and regret their decision. An article by Orna Donath went viral a few years ago, because she interviewed several Israeli mothers who got interviewed on #regrettingmotherhood. This is not representative. But this might be an under-reported problem. Further research is needed.

A final statement

I am incredibly happy that I had the possibility to get the surgery done. I am thankful to life in a part of the world where various options for contraception are available and affordable. I am thankful for the people around me, who supported me in the process. I am grateful for the people who did the operation, so that everything was safe and without complications. And last, but by far not least, I am proud of my body that it handled everything so well. I feel incredibly strong, empowered and self-conscious and I am looking forward to deepen the relationship with both my body, my femininity and my sexuality, knowing that I never have to bother my body with contraceptives again.

Recommended to read:

No kid - Quarante raisons de ne pas avoir d'enfant by Corinne Maier

Die Uhr die nicht tickt by Sara Diehl

Kunskapens frukt (Engl: Fruit of knowledge, germ: Der Ursprung der Welt) by Liv Strömquist

Schwangerwerdenkönnen by Antje Schrupp

Abolish the family. A manifesto for care and liberation by Sophie Lewis

Recommended to watch:

A documentation about young women and their journey to getting sterilized in Germany 

Recommended to listen to:

The interview with Milena, mentioned above, who fought six months to get sterilized in Switzerland at age 29

Recommended to follow:

@tiffany.jmarie on instagram

For support and further information: 

https://www.selbstbestimmt-steril.de/

[neighborhoodscorpio]

Okay… in defense of the homewrecker.

The Ariana Grande hate is so crazy. I just feel like you have to be the most unserious person in the world to get worked up and feel the need to say something about a celebrity’s love life. Especially NOW. There are hundreds of abusive, toxic, physically harmful, predatory men in the entertainment industry and you can log on to see nothing but love for them! For FREE! Let alone every literal war happening right now. Yet this woman gets tangled in an affair and I see walls of hate everywhere. I don’t even care if what she did was wrong. I literally don’t. Half that industry should be in prison and y’all are yelling at her.

Let alone all the female artists who have made music very transparently about being The Other Woman… fucking baby daddies… etc etc. I feel as though she’s getting a misogynistic public punishment for presenting as a good girl figure and behaving differently. Weird aspect of the culture where indefensible behavior is more often tolerated when it’s openly shared.

Getting on a feminist high horse about jumping on Ariana Grande is laughable. The contempt for her is sooooo emotionally charged. I’m so surprised and confused by it. It feels like her biggest crime was daring to act like every other baddie while being 5’2” and I’m serious when I say that LMFAOOO… like… The amount of women jumping on it is crazy. They are speaking about feminism to hate on Ariana Grande. Girl we don’t have rights in half the states in the US. Ariana could steal five husbands and her feminist impact would still be greater than your comment. The fact that she did public democratic advocacy during the last election is literally enough to cover it. It’s like every woman feels as though miss Grande stole her man specifically. It’s giving traumatized. And I get that. But…

I have a really really really really hot take about cheating to add. To wrap up the whole topic… since I’ve been flabbergasted seeing the public opinion on every fucking website that I log into… listen. If anyone can steal your man, you should know about it. If you married a pathetic little worm, you should know about it. Instead of living your whole life convinced that your partner isn’t a piece of shit, I think it’s best to see what they’re capable of. My REALLY hot take is that the people who “steal” partners are doing a service. They’re the ones who reveal shitty character. They’re deep in the morally grey, to me.

Even though they might be doing it for self-serving reasons, obviously, there’s still a valuable function there. If a woman ever “stole” a partner from me, I’d thank her, key the guy’s car, and sleep really really well knowing that I’m not counting on someone weak. I wouldn’t even mourn what we had because it wasn’t actually there. If someone can’t even demonstrate a level of certainty with petty shit, I would never want to find out how weak they were in serious situations. Sooooo many men are horrible fucking people. If they cheat in love, they cheat in business, and elsewhere. The double standard is crazy there too. A woman doing romantic crimes is prison worthy. A man assaulting people though… just in his nature.

If anything, I feel bad for the women who actually want the cheating men they pursued. They’ve won a terrible life tournament and don’t even know it. The male validation is so strong, so addicting, that they can’t see the material damage that they’re causing to themselves, let alone OTHERS. If you can’t recognize that as a symptom of patriarchal poison idk how to talk with you about it. Feminism is so shallow in the mainstream that there is NO analysis if a woman’s actions are unsavory. Women hurt women because of men every single day. To be honest, if there wasn’t a baby in the picture, no one would give a shit about Ariana’s actions, and I haven’t seen that point made anywhere, either. An affair is an affair and no one cares. You hurt a woman? Who gives a shit. But now you’ve hurt a BABY? Suddenly the conversation turns into some bullshit about feminism. One of the most vile expressions of patriarchy is valuing a woman’s reproductive capacity more than her personhood, and this is no fucking different. Now that she’s reproduced, she almost deserves personhood. Outrage. Social commentary, even. Again— especially sickening in todays climate.

I just really can’t take y’all seriously. If it pissed you off just say that. But don’t invent a feminist argument to make yourself feel justified for hating Ariana Grande now. From that angle, there is far too much nuance to not make yourself look stupid.