#because i am not typing like myself. for some reason. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

max1461 · 2 days

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I think the nootropics thing is like, faux-legibility, which is what bothers me. I said I agree with that anon who claimed Western society ("Western society") overvalues legibility, but I think it's more like... Western society ("Western society") loves faux-legibility, metrizability that doesn't correspond to what we actually care about. Because I do like legibility. One of the reasons I don't mind caffeine is that its effects on me feel very legible, phenomenologically. I drink a cup of coffee and instantly I feel a noticeably more awake, maybe a little anxious if I have too much, this and that. The effect is not too strong, like being drunk, which I generally don't like, because it changes too much and is a confusing, illegible experience.

But see, this is all feelings-based, internal. People talk about nootropics and they're like "I take such and such milligrams of lsd every day and I can't really feel anything but I think it's been making me more open-minded overall, I've noticed XYZ improve in my life since I started doing this". And this is like, this is like awful to me. I mean you do you but like. This is faux-legible, you know some dosage numbers but it's not phenomenologically obvious what's happening to you, you're suggesting that this shit is changing your behavior in some diffuse way that you can't pinpoint? Terrifying, baffling that you would do this to yourself. At least if I drink a bunch of coffee and then find myself sitting around worrying about something stupid, I can be like "oh, obviously this is because of all that coffee I just drank, I can tell I am too-many-cups-of-coffee anxious". Like I'm sure drinking coffee has illegible effects too, literally everything you do has illegible effects, but trying to incur that shit on purpose through some kind of complicated scheme where you microdose this and that just seems disquieting.

It's like... studies, right. Studies say that this and that is true, because we did a controlled trial and it was statistically significant. To me this is the worst type of science. Because like, I don't doubt that if you do your experiments and stats well, the results are meaningful. Sure. But why? Why does the thing happen? What is actually going on. No idea, you just did a study. Whereas with physics it's like, ok there's still a philosophical "why" in the most abstract sense but at a more particular level it's like "this magnetic field pushes on this thing and then makes that happen, blah blah", it's like, it's describing this comprehensible sequence of events, that you can understand the workings of. That's what science is for. To me. No wonder then that nootropics is loved by studies guys, by guys who read this and that study and are impressed by it. No wonder that nootropics is loved by such guys, according to me based on my gut right now.

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m1d-45 · 9 months

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Hello I'm back :)))

I had a rough exam season and took some time to rest so now I'm interacting with ppl again

Now pls let me know what you think of the Zhongli statue? I'm honestly going nuts over it

Fun fact: the gold bits on his hair and hand means ppl are frequently rubbing it, like those dog statues with golden snoots🥰🥰

I LOVED THE STATUE IT WAS SO GREAT SEEING THAT I COULD GET IT AFTER DOING THE WEB EVENT

side note the art kn the web event was so PRETTY MAN like !!! for what purpose. what need was there to make him look so nice. for what.

morax my beloved. zhongli is so SILLY as a character and i’m genuinely somewhat surprised they gave us a statue of an archon like that tbh. i will find some way some how to put it in my teapot though—reminds me i need to redecorate like half my layouts ough—and probably make a ridiculous shrine for it or something for the fun of it. most normal genshin impact player.

#m1d : [chats]#hello. bread. 👋#<- went to anon tag this only to realize it was. Bread. a reaction that brought my mind to a halt for a moment sjajsjs #opening my door and a piece of freshly toasted bread is on my mat #okay. i have this now. hello bread 👋#this is so incoherent please blame it on the late night hour #i could get into sagau but i will Not #because i am not typing like myself. for some reason.#looking at my typing like who are you. gun emoji. this is a threat.#what in hank hill was that sentence #or that one #it’s not even. okay it’s like kinda late.#but STILL

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n0bluev · 2 months

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@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔

#your reblog surprised me #THREE BUNS SUGURU (STAR WARS ER JUST FOR YOU!)#theyre covering riko or smt and smuggling her places (??)#drawing this i was like ‘oh suguru’s curses in a star wars environment should be robots and stuff #so this suguru is a mecanic (he makes them from scrappy parts people have thrown out #and trash materials (and hard work 😎)#diy pokemon #because what is the cursed energy people are letting out if not junk theyre letting go of #so yeah ; basic geto takes shit and turns it useful #i do realise thats already very generic for star wars (junk robots junk robots!) but like. yknow. this guy takes shit people wouldnt bother #trying to sell. miam. junk of the junk. geto my favourite recycling bin you were designed for a luxurious lifestyle clearly (gege not me!)#(and stuff…………. but im lazy to put my vision in words rn hah..)#gojo’s probably a princess #(let’s not lie. hes basically a prince already (clan heir is a different look on him))#this made me want to write ?.??#problem is i dont remember much about star wars (watched it as a kid (we have the cds) appart from the very basic storyline… i forgot 😔#then theres the jawa’s first appearance cuz for some reason they scared me and i am marked for life (THEYRE JUST SILLY LITTLE GUYS 😭😭))#thankfully i lowkey want to rewatch everything so these issues can be fixed #(unthankfully either way the chance of me writing anything is very slim BUT WE NEVER KNOW RIGHT)#(hashtag diverging your attention from that other older post is it working /j/j)#omg glo i still didnt read balance (i think of it from time to time but im intimidated to read it because i know its right up my alley and #that i will love it and lately idk why but i need to ready myself emotionally to read peak fiction (this is so dumb but its true 😭😭))#my bad im rambling lol #WAIT FUCK SAME THING FOR BUNNY’S RECENT THINGY THAT GOT IN MY AO3 UPDATE MAIL #A LOVE STORY TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF A THIRD PARTY MY BELOVED #(itsg ive searchef for these types of stories in advanced search before #AND NOW THAT I HAVE SOME BY AUTHORS I ALREADY ADORE .. IM- I SEE THEM BUT. THEIR CONTENTS STAY A MYSTERY. IS THIS MY BODY SUBCONSCIOUSLY FI #FIGHTING THE TEAR LOSS I WOULD GET??? IS THIS MFING [BALLING-MY-EYES-OUT] PREVENTION !? WITHOUT MY PERMISSION..!? TCH!)#my bad. ramble again o7 — see ya glo !#wip

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aimless-passerby · 5 months

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I really like how this commission is going.

#'chanting and ranting' tag #when I draw a commission I always try to keep in mind 'just draw like you draw for youself'#because when I try to make commission better it always look worse for some reason #this time I drew how I would draw for myself with less care for details and it looks so much better #I am still insecure about both my art style and if this skill level is worth money #like I see people who make such great arts with right lights and shadows and it's voluminous and perspective #I feel like people usually want to see that type of arts #well even with simpler art-styles people are still trained to make it very organic #when I looks at my art there is always some details that fails the whole composition #characters belong to @Naysu on furaffinity

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taeyungie · 1 year

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😺

#i haven't addressed yoongi's situation yet because i'm honestly still not hit by it i guess. like it didnt gwt to me yet #i dont think ill ever love anyone the same as i love him you know what i mean #he has been the first reason of my self development. like he literally raised me??? i learned from him how to be the person i am today #and its like im saying goodbye to a family member. the thing is i have never griefed anyone's absence like this #its like a part of my soul will be missing until he comes back #but at the same time i know what he would want for me. to move on and to become my own reason #he would want me to be kind to myself. to focus on myself and not miss him that much.#he would want that for all of us right #but i have a very hard time processing things. do you guys remeber the festa last year? when we found out theyll be going on hiatus #the reality of it snd the fact that it will be happening hit me onky after around 3 months.#thats when i first cried because i realized what it meant. ofc i knew but it didnt occur to the emotional part of my brain at that time #and i feel like im truly gonna fall apart when THIS hits me in 3 months lol #my life has never been worse and thats honestly the time when i need the reassurance the most #when i need the people i love and find comfort in the most.#but its just me and thats technically just my problem. but since i am talking about my view on this then thats okay i guess hahah anyway #i just hope he knows there are milions of ppl who love him as much as i do. and thats like extra love like forever & beyond type of shit #i honestly dont think other people ever truly fully understand how we feel towards them. especially when you really love somebody #because they have their own opinions about themselves. they debate whether they deserve some kind of treatment or not. we all do that right #and i just know he does that too. i just reslly want him to feel completely loved and cherished and appreciated.#i want him to see himself through our eyes. to surround himself with people who see him exactly the way we do.#to fall in love with somebody who will see him like we see him #nobody deserves better life than this man. and i hope that after our reunion he will live that life to the fullest 💓 i can't wait to see it #anyway. if somebody needs to talk about it or wants to get sadness out of your system - im here 💓#please keep your heads up and lets wait for him 💓#we have esch other and we will be okay 💓#sorry for typos i can barely see its 1am 🤓

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girlcrushau · 6 months

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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

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neverendingford · 5 months

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#tag talk #I feel good cause a new friend at work said something about how my boyfriend hasn't talked much to him since meeting me #And I was like uh oh I do not want to be that bitch #and I know he's been trying to organize some kind of game might and I was like rip you can't get him to play stardew valley with you #and I don't like stardew valley so I was like hey what about minecraft? because if I get them playing together on a realm then It's fixed #so anyway now I might have a new server and friend group to play with and hopefully I'll be less in the way of the preexisting friend group #because I'm really conscious of when I'm the reason stuff goes poorly so I don't wanna be a reason friends don't hang out anymore.#cause that shit sucks. jealous girlfriend type can go die I ain't about hogging people I don't feel good about it.#I just want everyone to get along and be friends #I'm putting in the work to learn bedrock mechanics. that's how committed I am to this. I hate variations on an established base.#it's the autistic in me for sure. I loathe multiple versions of songs. there can only be one true version. one right answer. all else is bad #so the slight discrepancies between bedrock and Java drive me absolutely nuts bonkers up the wall #I read a really good twilight fanfic and it rewired my brain and now I'm forever mixing up which is cannon and which is fanfic #because my brain immediately booted the version I preferred less and installed the new fanfic version as the correct right version #anyway. I'm hunting tutorials that actually explain the mechanics and taking notes so I know how to adjust the designs for aesthetics #because you need the minimum mechanical base to work before you can ad lib a building style and design onto the structural framework #I figured out the iron farm mechanics so tomorrow I think I'm gonna work on gold farm stuff. and redstone I just want to learn myself

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gendercriticalthinking · 2 years

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The way that my friend felt disappointed when he found out as a kid that an androgynous character he idolized was a woman because he quote "couldn't relate to the character anymore" and the way that the creator of Celeste """discovered he was non-binary""" because he wrote a female character that he was able to relate to are branches off of the same vein of misogyny I think

#gender critical #misogyny #it's all about the often-subconscious belief that women are subhuman or at least inherently lesser than men for being different from them #for the first dude: literally every woman on earth who consumes media relates to so fucking many male characters. they are our favorites.#some of them are so beloved by us that we believe we must actually be men because we can relate so hard to them. i went through this myself #(which is kind of what's going on with the second dude but i'll get to that)#yet for some reason a lot of men have a hard time relating to female characters in any way similar at all. there are zero men writing #obsessive (affectionate) thoughtful intelligent analyses of their favorite female charas' arcs and symbolism #(in part because so few media have any well-written and actually-humanized female charas to be able to do that with but also...)#because men see women as possibly-human fuck toys for them and nothing else #so when even self-proclaimed/usually feminist men relate to a female character outside of 'i want to fuck this' it makes them feel weird #bc male sexuality (this includes osa men i'm sorry to say but i've observed so many men like an anthropologist i see the same behavior #in all of them) is so centered around humilation/domination/aggression that it's not compatible with compassion/empathy #so for them to relate to a female (character or person) they get this weird-feeling psychological thing kinda similar to that joke of #'if you punch yourself and it hurts are you weak or strong?' but in this case it's 'if you relate to a sex object should you start thinking #you're also a sex object or should you let go of your momentary empathy for the sex object?'#and dude no. 1 took the latter path while dude no. 2 took the former #well in a way. his thing is more like 'if i am a human (bc i'm a man) and i can relate to a woman... does that mean women are human #or does it mean i am a woman?' and he picked the second route #i know agp vs hsts is (was?) the main grouping system radfems use(d?) to explain the different types of tims #and to some extent those labels do work especially since they're centered around sexuality which plays a huge role in trans identities #but i feel like it's either more accurate to just use the following labels or at least add them into the venn diagram:#some tims are trans because they see women as sex toys and enjoy the thought of being a sex toy themselves therefore they want to be women #while other tims are trans because they've othered the sex-object class of humans so hard that if they ever accidentally relate to a woman #it's a mindblowing discovery and makes them part of The Other (women are still of course treated as The Other for this to work) and #therefore super special (and of course more special than women because they're sex objects + The Other whereas #he is a man aka a human + The Other. this is especially true when men decide they're nb like guy no. 2 as opposed to trans women because #again women = sex toy to men so any men who do not want to be objectified are a different kind of Other to women [which to them consists of #females and trans women] but they still are The Other in some way and therefore must be both a man [human] and something else)#these concepts appeal to both osa and ssa men depending on what level/flavor of misogyny they cling to most and how gnc they are

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fabulouslygaybean · 11 months

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i wish romance wasn't so hard to understand. how the fuck do i even tell these things apart

#like. its a constant fight with myself to discern between different types of attraction and how im experiencing them #do i just like them as a friend? am i just really attached because they're nice? or am i quietly crushing on them? or am i just desperate -#- for deeper connection???#it's confusing and weird and headache inducing #i KNOW i feel romantic attraction #not in the “im trying to seem more allo” kind of way. but in the genuine “ive felt it before and but for some reason it's still hard to -#- tell it apart from every other kind of attraction ive felt“#doesn't help that im just... not a fan of a lot of common relationship dynamics and experiences and all that.#i still wanna act like friends but just with the extra romance stuff added on. i don't wanna give up one thing for the other.#i don't wanna STOP doing friend shit just because of romance :(#sigh. attraction is weird. labels are weird. the human brain is weird.#i want romance but not in the traditional ways #which doesn't seem to fare well for me

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pepprs · 2 years

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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

#purrs #delete later #not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really #comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel #where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it #all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugly #and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fucking #getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest #colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought w #we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight #we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the #participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day a #and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half of #them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we #did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like… i #have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also #HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a #failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as #emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i #failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year #and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jfs #like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE #PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and #we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting #everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid #bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i #get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i #am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that #just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol

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zoologica42 · 3 months

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Temperate Lake Dashboard Simulator

🐦‍⬛2xcrested_cormorant Follow Going to try and eat this weird fish

♻️🐦‍⬛2xcrested_cormorant Follow wilmdlife hopital

🐸rana-bufo Follow No one can ever truly understand what BULL4rog's music means to me 😭 this song in particular argrgrgrgrgrg the way he puffs out his vocal sack asdfghjk

BULL4rog: listen here on spotify ♻️🐸rana-bufo Follow I think I huave chytrid

🐟ilikeeatingminnowsFollow I just migrated here from finstagram please be nice

🐠powerbottomfeeder Follow

I have HAD IT with this lake, it’s the third day in a row we’ve had nitrates above 8 ppm and uug the algae, my allergies I can’t do this

♻️🐟carpy-diem Follow

Lol we regularly get nitrates up to 20 ppm in my lake ♻️🦞crawdaddy Follow uhhh you shouldn't be bragging about that, it's really unsafe ♻️🐟carpy-diem Follow suck it you little oligotrophic bitch

🐢snappturt Follow Dear Tumblr, am I the Basshole for the way I catch minnows? I was chatting with some of the guys I bask with and they said the way I catch minnows is problematic; What I do is I sit on the bottom of the lake, I hide myself in the mud and I open my mouth. My tongue looks a lot like a little worm so I wiggle it around- and because of that, minnows swim over and check it out. Once they get close enough, then I bite down and eat them. Some of my rockmates have told me that this is manipulative and toxic behavior- but they also eat minnows...I don't know guys...

🦆tree hole-nester-acorn-eater Follow

is it just me, or is this super homoerotic???

🐟bigpikexxl Follow liveblogging diving down to the bottom

♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow dark

♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow big log

♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow rock

♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow kinda cold

♻️🐟bigpikexxl Follow oh hi @deepwatersculpin!!!

♻️🐠deepwatersculpin Follow oh hey @bigpikexxl!!!

never thought i'd seen one of my mutuals irl!!! I didn't even know we lived in the same lake!!!

🐠Shadlad Follow I'm not sorry, and I'm not afraid to say it, if you're an introduced species, go dry yourself out. You're not welcome to eat up all of our resources and live in my ancestral longs and rock crags. These things are for us to relate to and not for you to squander.

♻️🦞crevice-steve Follow

Can't believe this type of fishcourse is still popular on this site, introduced species didn't choose to be introduced and have as much of a right to live as anyone else. Bigotry against introduced species is still bigotry and that's a hill I will dry on. ♻️🐠Shadlad Follow Go ahead, dry yourself out then ;) ♻️🪷nootnootnewt Follow Hey man, I hate invasive species as much as anyone else but please stop telling people to beach themselves for political reasons- yeah that includes inavsives too ♻️🦐typical_scud Follow Did you legit just use the word Invas*ve to describe introduced species? ♻️🦢flatfootswimmer Follow anyone in this thread eat pondweed?

♻️🐟largemouthbASS Follow A colab with my mutual @2xcrested_cormorant after they got released from the wildlife hospital. They haven't been on much since the Fish and Wildlife Service released them in the wrong lake and it took them a while to get back to their colony. We hope this guide will help you avoid accidentally eating/engaging with bait!

#fishblr #fishposting #fake post #dashboard simulator #cw thalassophobia #thalassophobia #ecology #freshwater ecology #wood duck #walleye

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willoftrees · 2 months

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anxiety so bad i never draw and it's hard to kiss my husband

#and yet for some reason my lil community/roommates think i am fine and don't have any mental illnesses #because i am not medicated and not currently in therapy or seeing any kind of mental health professionals #they act like my diagnosis just vanish because they were in the past #mentioned but not officially diagnosed: ocd and anxiety #as if it fucking magically dissappeared #maybe it's because i maintain and cope to function better but that's out of necessity not choice #someone has to be the responsible one around here or else none of us can live comfortably #i have diagnosed ptsd #diagnosed 3 different types of depression: clinical major and reactive #diagnosed autism #noted by professionals but not officially diagnosed: ocd and anxiety #definitely have but have not been able to get diagnosed because they want to contact my abusife family to question them about my childhood:#adhd #anyhoo #i hate it #they joke with me about having same illnesses but pretend i don't have them because i don't have the help they do or did #and assume i have none of these things because of how i have been getting by #despite how fucking difficult it is and how i rarely do things i enjoy for myself and spend most of my time just trying to regain energy #spend all my time cleaning up after them and fixing their problems and have no spoons left for me or things i just want to do

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snekdood · 3 months

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bitches prolly out here psychoanalyzing my old art on behalf of my abuser to cushion their belief that im a Horrible Person but then dont see the irony when I point out the shitty things my abuser has drawn and how I see it as clear evidence of their mindset and beliefs (of what's okay to do and how to treat people) descending and pairing that along with everything else they've done and it paints a clear picture of how this person got to the point of thinking it was okay to abuse me the way they did and then the people looking for reasons to hate me through my art will act like "they're just drawings !!!" about their art. which one is it. does someones art say something about them or not? or does it only say something about them if you hate them?

#personally I think me making fun of a douchey type of dude is less bad than drawing 'rape is fun' but yknow #ig I can just weigh the gravity of how bad each thing is accurately idk #vent #'yeah but you started to identify with the douche bag character !!' well- even before i realized I wanted to be him- the plot was #already that he was going to grow out of being a dick. him and mj were going to help eachother realize their flaws and become better #to eachother and everyone else. so by the time i DID realize I wanted to be a guy I already had in mind the mature version of him #floating around but I didn't really post about it bc I didn't want to spoil anything at the time #and it took me a LONG TIME to accept that I wanted to be snake. I was trans before that. and then when I was close to accepting it #I had that whole 'lsd' thing that made me slink back into my shell bc the people I was around made me feel like I would never be a guy #so instead I figured if I couldn't be snake then the next best thing was to be *with* him and started to self ship myself w him and he #evolved even more into an even more mature version of him that by the time I got out on the other side of feeling like I couldn't #be a guy I had this more serious and mature version of him in my mind and started to accept that I wanted to be him and basically was him #and just didn't know bc that version of snake was more like me than the one I made in 2013/14 #in 2013/14 I was only ever considering my comic in the context of some sort of comedy and just wanted to make a douchey character #to make fun of bc I had a lot of douchey people in my life who I felt like needed to be knocked down a peg and I figured the best way #to do that was to make an example out of them via the old version of snake and have him be an overly confident asshole whos hubris #often gets himself humbled even if hes too prideful to accept or admit it #at this point in time I didn't really see much of myself in any of my ocs. maybe a lil bit in mj and (mostly)peaches bc I didn't know it wa #ok to id with a guy... but even when I did subconsciously id with him here n there...i didnt relate to snakes douchey-ness like at all.#sometimes I jokingly act like a douche but again its for the same reason that I made snake a douche back then in the first place-#to make fun of people like that- to hopefully show them how foolish they are by me mirroring them or. alternatively. making people #laugh at me acting that way because pretending to act like a douche is easier to enjoy and laugh at than dealing w an actual douche #i'd do it with my ex-bestfriend all the time- I made snake such a dick because we'd laugh about it together and bc we wanted to make #fun of the dicks around us who lacked any self awareness and if not that any actual fuck about how lame and shitty they come off #what can I say. it's fun to mock people sometimes.#when I actually started to accept it my first pic I drew of him being obviously trans was in 2016... soo a couple months before I remet #my abuser...#which honestly explains why that whole relationship was so rough on me. I had just finally accepted myself and then this person comes #along and tries to smear me and gaslight me into thinking im Horrible for who I am. like. hello???????#my first time fully being myself was with them and their friend group and they all accepted me until their cult leader told them not to

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suncaptor · 6 months

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every time I speak to anyone I am convinced it is the last time I will. every day I expect a crisis to occur or am faced with an impending one. every time I use my body I expect it to hurt. every time I think I could look forward to something I know it won't happen. every time I try anything I know for a fact I'll fail. I am certain in my doom to such a carefully constructed extent, and so much of it is logical and realistic. I am hopelessly hopeful about obsessive determination to improve. But also hope is a disease I refuse to ever let in. maybe this is making my life worse. even if it's completely real.

#mage of doom hours✌️✌️#i keep trying to allow myself to feel grief and violation and anger to see if it could make me feel anything again #but honestly I think maybe it's the hope that's blocking me #and while a large large part of that is because of years if seeing how it always goes badly and i never should to protect myself #maybe a larger part is if i let myself hope I am scared I will hurt someone #but hope also just hurts me like nothing else.#i think about 2020. i was so funny. i keep trying and changing and planning and letting people somehow supposedly in #but there is a wall around everything and that's because i am terrified of hope beyond anything else #and it's like maybe i DO need to learn to not treat the hope i can't kill like some type of plague inside me #but how can I when every time I do it hurts me more than anything else? when I am smart enough to know better? when my brain knows better?#i just want to be able to care about fiction as much as I used to so I wouldn't need :////// i was so good at using that to shield me from #everything. i don't know if its spn fandom dying or the isolation i felt last year and loss or if its just #well i had to step back from letting sam thoughts live at every given second bc it was just so fucking triggering #not that that's the cure :/// but like whatever if I can find joy and life and a reason to live in anything lmao #incoherents

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ranboolivesaysstuff · 11 months

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HEY! Just because I am now 20 I think having something to kind of re establish boundaries would be good! Considering the ones I put all those times ago have changed :D GENERAL RULES! Do not be racist, sexist, homophobic, antisemitic, ableist, or discriminatory against anyone for any reason. Please if someone is calling you out for things you have done or said, please self-reflect and take the proper steps to change or remove yourself from the community. If you see something you do not like, and it IS MADE WORSE BY BRINGING ATTENTION TO IT, THEN IGNORE IT! Bringing attention to problems that just arent really problems with either the community or me in general are not worth it! Please use common sense when thinking about what/what not to engage with! I personally wish that people in the community do NOT engage with people who just obviously do not like me! Chances are they want a reaction from it so it is MUCH better to just not argue with someone whos mind you will not change! ALLOW CRITICISM OF ME AND MY CONTENT! IF YOU DONT AGREE OR DONT LIKE THEN DO NOT ARGUE ABOUT IT!!!! ALL IT WILL DO IS CAUSE UNESSICARY DRAMA!!! DO NOT make ANY comments or content about me that is explicitly sexual. I completely understand that lately there have been bits due to the changes in how I’ve been presenting myself and how I’ve been presenting more femininely, but that does not allow anyone to use that as an excuse to sexualize any features and such that are more feminine or masculine. Remember that femininity is not sexual and should not be seen or created as such just because its there! (for example, the Vtuber costume and chat being overly weird over the added boobs where there was no need for it). DO NOT draw me in ways that are sexual either, such as highlighting any aspects in a sexual way, or making the content something sexual. I am completely okay with being drawn as any body type, masculine presenting or feminine presenting, as long as you stick to this! PLEASE DO NOT SPECULATE ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE!!! Making jokes about certain topics CAN be fine, but a line is crossed when it becomes a legitimate speculation or if a joke is said when I have expressed my discomfort! RESPECT MY FRIENDS!!! All of my friends are their own, incredible people. And they do not deserve to be lumped in or referred to as JUST "my friend". Be respectful in their chats even when im not there, and be respectful to all of them everywhere else! IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU MAY BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG PLEASE LISTEN!!! There has been a lot of times in which I have seen people be unwilling to change in the face of a genuine discussion, and that is not something I want in the community! I should NOT have to police every single thing because it should NOT take me saying something in order to change your mind! As my words are not worth more or less when it comes to a lot of subjects! And lastly, do good. Whenever you have the ability to. BE POSITIVE!!! The hater mindset is very draining and can be very toxic to both you and the people around you, so highlight the good instead of the bad if you have the ability to! I am so incredibly proud of how far this community has come, and I cannot wait for the future!!! I have spent some time writing this, but it may not be perfect, so I will update this as time goes on and I think of more, or if something needs to be SUPER cleared up, but for now these are the main ones! I will NOT be updating this after every little thing however, as I do not want you guys to feel like the only way that something is wrong is if I talk about it! As you guys should be able to sustain yourself as a community without my consistent input! Imma go enjoy my birthday by eating a pizza :) thank you all!

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genderqueerdykes · 11 months

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the reason intersex people need to be visible and at the forefront of every queer's activism is because we are completely devoid of autonomy when it comes to identifying ourselves. no matter how hard we try to speak up on how we are treated, how we are dehumanized, how we are refused our right to say who we are, it falls through the cracks because of how many people continue to diminish our issues, and espouse intersexist beliefs.

when i speak up about being transfemme, and a trans girl, it's not because i'm trying to step on people's toes or speak about something i don't understand. i speak up about it because this is the life i've lived. it doesn't matter if strangers see me this way or not, this is how i've been my entire life. whether or not someone knows i was technically born AMAB and then had my gender "corrected" shouldn't matter.

trans people do not only come in binary sexes- just like gender, physical sex is also not a binary. i am an intersex trans girl , even if my agab didn't stay AMAB forever. I would be an intersex trans girl regardless of whether or not they assigned me male at birth, because my experience with womanhood and femininity is that they've always been held away from me, way farther than it would ever be possible for me to reach.

i've had to take estrogen & progesterone HRT in the past in order to "correct" my masculine features in order to look like and be a girl "correctly". the subject of my body and my gender has never been something i've been able to control. my whole live i've just been told that i'm a girl wrong, and that i need to "Fix" it.

boyhood or manhood weren't options either, that was held away from me with a 10 foot pole as well. i've had to transition into gender, itself, because i was forbidden to be a boy or a girl. i was always too sensitive or soft to be a real boy. gender as a concept has been a source of control and degredation for me. i had to transition into both manhood and womanhood in order to have control over how i identify. even now when i talk about manhood and being a man, people tell me that i'm not a trans man because of how i look. i'm routinely denied manhood, I "have" to be a trans woman only to some.

due to my intersex condition, i'm a trans man and a trans woman, transfemme and transmasc, but people struggle to accept this. there's no reason for people to give me hell about these parts of myself, and yet people still do. intersex awareness matters because we fight to be seen as the people we are. we struggle to have our identities be addressed correctly. we are in the same fight as trans individuals, and we owe it to intersex trans men, women, and people to help people understand that trans folks come in all different types of bodies, and that biological sex is not a binary, either.

we have to fight for each other's autonomy. for all of us. together we are stronger, louder, and braver.

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