#because i've never been the type of person to lean on others for emotional support

[detransdamnation]

My bad no not dysphoria i meant the learning disability part in the prev ask

Gotcha. My apologies. As is evident, my learning disability affects my reading comprehension lmao

Before I answer this, I think I should give some necessary context since I have never named my specific disability (and would prefer not to, at least publicly, for the sake of my privacy). My learning disability does not impact my cognition; in other words, it has no bearing on my IQ, my ability to communicate, my ability to take care of myself, and so on and so forth.

However, my learning disability does impact what I am able to do academically, which spills over into a myriad of everyday life skills. My learning disability is also very severe.

Now that that’s been said,

In a friend group or acquaintance circle, I don’t expect—or even necessarily want—for other people to help me with things, largely because they can’t. I honestly do think that that is the absolute best way for someone to be supportive of me, is to accept that they cannot help me, they cannot explain things to me, and they cannot help me understand anything that I do not already understand. I don’t mean that to be pessimistic. It’s just the reality of the situation.

This incessant want to help is a pattern that has expressed itself throughout my entire life and it is annoying for a couple different reasons, one of them being that “help” only ever centers my learning disability when it would otherwise exist in the background.

I can generally “hide” my learning disability throughout my everyday life, and even in areas where my struggles are more prominent, I can usually brush them off. As a result, people don’t tend to fully grasp just how severe my learning disability is until they try (unwarranted) to help me through something that I struggle with—because it is only then when they realize that I do not actually have any foundational understanding of any of the concepts that are involved. In the areas that my learning disability affects, I have the comprehension of a child.

So, they have two options. They can meet me at my level and attempt to explain something to me the same way they would explain it to a child—which, although probably objectively better than jumping straight into something I am completely clueless about, has also never been accomplished without my being infantilized, or talked down to, to some extent.

Alternatively, they can take my age into account and explain something to me the same way they would explain it to any other adult—but then that doesn’t generally take into account what I can and cannot comprehend. Sure, my feelings may be spared, and it’s arguably the more ethical approach in that I’m not being treated light years younger than I am—but then they’re not actually teaching me anything at all because the approach assumes that my understanding of the topic at hand is far more advanced than it actually is and is able to be.

Even if either of these approaches worked and the person was somehow able to explain something to me whilst still retaining my dignity, it still all comes down to the therapy-resistant part of my learning disability. I do not retain anything I learn in my problem areas. I cannot retain anything if my learning disability is involved. Even where there is a line of success, it is part of an unsuccessful cycle.

These efforts are also made when I never ask for them. The onus, then, is on me to either A) grin and bear it, or B) interrupt the person and tell them to stop. Once again, this is a lose-lose situation. The former makes me feel guilty because I know that their efforts are going to waste; the latter usually makes the person feel awkward, and then I’m made out to be an asshole because they were “just trying to help.”

Most everyone wants to be the person to give that one explanation to make it all “click,” yet for some reason, it is never considered that this made-it-make-sense explanation does not, in fact, exist. I believe the fact these explanations are attempted, anyway, speaks to an ignorance of the nature of learning disabilities in general, even if they are held subconsciously (i.e., “Sure, you have a learning disability... but it also depends on how you’re taught”).

In many cases, I also believe it speaks to a greater discomfort with how my normal differs from that of people who do not have learning disabilities (or even those who do, but do not have a case as severe as mine).

I have accepted where I am at and I have tailored my life to accommodate my deficits. This does mean that I walk through many areas of life, navigating them through pattern recognition and logical reasoning, but not really understanding what I’m doing. I will always be a bit clueless when it comes to many concepts and skills. I will never be able to do certain things without outside guidance, or even at all. None of this will ever change. I have made peace with that. I am content despite my challenges.

But there are very few people who are content with my contentedness. It is my own experience that people like to think that they are accepting of my disability right up until they come face-to-face with the fact that my disability results in inabilities and they do not like that. They can say they understand or that they sympathize to my face—but they do not truly understand and they absolutely do not sympathize because they still evaluate me as if I have a non-disabled brain and it shows in their constant attempts to help me “improve” or “understand” or “do better.” It all too often insinuates that my successes as a person can only be deemed successful if I achieve them in the same manner as a person without a learning disability.

Some alternative ways that a person could actually support me include (but are not necessarily limited to) asking if I would like something to be explained before explaining it and not offering up an explanation on an entire thing when I am only asking for clarification on a specific part. Respect my limitations, do not challenge them. Never assume that I can do something. Also never assume that I cannot. The most supportive people in my life are the patient ones who are unafraid to ask questions and actually listen to my answers.

Above all else, as previously stated, the best way that one can be supportive of me is to accept that they cannot help me—because through acceptance of my struggles, I stop being a poor thing that needs to be “taught” and am instead seen as a whole person who just happens to have a learning disability. This is all that I want and expect from my loved ones.

I hope this gave you some perspective, Anon. However, I can speak only for myself. Please remember that the best way to support someone with a disability is to ask the individual how you can do so.

[dr3am5scape]

Mizu saves you

(Mizu x Fem Reader)

₊˚ ‿︵‿︵‿︵୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧‿︵‿︵‿︵ ˚₊

Summary: Your a princess that were chased by men from your home town. As you were seeking for help, a samurai twice as tall as you came to the rescue. 🤭💕

Warning: (Bit dark content)

How’s everyone day doing? I’m sure it’s doing well💜Tonight I will like to give out another story to read through and enjoy. Pls let me know for Mizu or upcoming characters which are my crushes such as Abby, Kuvira, Revy or so and so fanfics. I have to figure out a story for Abby still, but since I got requests from others, I’ll try to get those started without waiting too long . Besides that, please support my stories. Tysm☺️

A samurai stayed in a brothel at the city for quite some time. But this time it was for the night. She didn't want anyone to come towards as she was in her own time thinking. She never let anyone allowed no company to start causing a problem. Whatever she was doing, you were off to leave her alone til she was done. In the meantime she heard footsteps along the way, trying to ignore. "I said no company please," she says sternly. There was a princess from the main town that have been in some sort of trouble. After all it was you who was in a dangerous situation. "Please sir…” You stutter at your words. Then start freaking out immediately. “I really need your help!" You grab them by the arm. At first you thought it was a man because how well they dressed in a masculine-samurai way, but from the voice, it was sure a woman. “I've been chased by several of men. Please if you can help me before they take me away!" You cried out, tugging piece of cloth that was from the samurai's outfit.

The samurai, known as Mizu, her tone soften quickly when she heard it was a cry for help and that it was literally serious. She turn to face you below, adjusting her glasses. "Stay calm dear. Who's after you actually?" She tried her best to calm you down, but the look on your face tells her that this wasn't the right time to start explaining literally everything and get right to the point. "Look, I'm not sure about their names. They just started attacking few of my bodyguards while I was in my room. I'm a princess coming from this town. And I need someone's help!" You start tearing up, releasing emotions out of your body. Mizu takes note that something was up and that she was willing to gain trust in you.

"Alright. You stay behind me from now on." She says like this type of behavior wasn’t so serious XD. She brings your wrist, turning you around to get behind her back as Mizu takes out her sword slowly, ready to take off. She lead you out of the brothel, walking down to a staircase from outside, seeing if the men were ever gonna approach. You hold onto the back of her arm as you slowly followed her without making a sound. Once you two look around the city in night, few shadows comes from a block away. "There! Right there!" You yell pointing at them. In a quick swift, Mizu drag you to a nearby wall bit far from the men, as she covers your mouth, leaning closer to your height. She didn't want you to make such noise to ruin the time where you two can easily get killed by several of men in groups. From the way Mizu shuts you down, she was literally pinning you to the wall by grabbing your wrist up on the wall with one of her hand as the other on your mouth, keeping you still and steady as possible. She slowly peak out to see if they were coming at her. Few of the guys notice, not realizing it was you two at first, til they start walking by.

You mumble, freaking out when you heard further footsteps. "Stay here. Remain quiet." Mizu says, drawing her sword steadly as few of the guys saw her. She was not having you take your life away from the night. So thankfully, she was that person, the only samurai to save you. (Give you at least another life). The fighting begun when the first men comes running at Mizu with his dagger. She didn't hesitate but to duck under him and slash him from behind. He fall on the ground, done. You didn't notice another guy came as bunch of them runs towards Mizu. She did whatever she can to attack each of them. And one of the men went towards you, trying to kill you. You did your best to throw rocks at him, a way to protect yourself. The guy had his dagger ready to jab in you as he slash you. Your arm was blocked from the dagger and felt the pain of the blood spilling bit. You scream in horror. Right away, Mizu strike the men through the heart, letting him fall on the ground as she bend down to take your hand.

Your face turn pale as you saw all the blood everywhere from every men Mizu attacked. You was so focus on that more than what Mizu was trying to say. A bit blur on your mind, you tried hard not to faint. "Are you hurt, dear?" Mizu asks, still trying to held up her hand at you. You were so speechless, you couldn't think what else to say. "Um..." reaches slowly at her arm. Mizu pulled you up holding you still. Your knees were buckled, as you slowly fainted to the ground. But Mizu catches you before you ever landed straight down.

Few hours later, back in the brothel, you were slightly awake, laying down on a purple mat. Looking around, you can see Mizu carefully pulling up her sleeves to see your wound from the arm. She slowly takes your own sleeve away from this deep scar. Felt like your arm was close to get slice up. Before Mizu was able to open the med kit, she sees your eyes watching her. "...you again..." you said quietly.

You've been unconscious for a little while now since the crazy incident happened earlier. Luckily, Mizu kept calming you down, looking at you; with nothing but a soft expression. "I'll take care of your arm. Must stay still and rest. I got you covered." She says, gently taking her time to stitch your arm, which you wince from the pain. You were able to see her for a quite a few seconds before falling back to a deep sleep.

You thought to yourself: (Who was this…this samurai that…saved my life?)

*Aaaha so glad I figure what to write for tonight :D I was so lazy not writing more stories as I'm suppose to. Been having a passion on writing stories for idk how long. So, enjoy this welcoming fanfic of my beloved, Mizu)

Please reblog would be appreciated!

[yuseirra]

Relationship Anaylsis: the parallels of Aqua-Akane & Aqua-Kana and Hikaru-Ai

In short, what Hikaru had with Ai is the combination of what Aqua has with these two girls.

I'm really good at analyzing emotions. It is my forte. I think I got this!! I got a huge hunch after having seen the most recent episode of the onk anime (S2 EP 15).

this post is mostly about Aqua's relationship with the two girls. It does lean towards aqukana.

If you're okay with it, please read!!:

*this was originally written in a different language, then translated through chatgpt..hshsh I've been doing this a lot..wow but it's so helpful though..

I just watched this episode, and oh, there's definitely something to it this time. I do have the volumes, but I read them last year... haha, and the memories are really coming back.

I think this episode really highlights how the relationship dynamics were set up.

It became clear that Hikaru and Ai's relationship split into Aqua-Kana and Aqua-Akane. Akane's relationship with Aqua feels like she emotionally supports him. On the other hand, Kana tends to break through Aqua's barriers and pulls him towards her.

Moreover, Akane's feelings towards Aqua seem to be a mix of wanting to help him, feeling sorry for him, and a tender affection, wishing he wouldn't be sad.

Kana's feelings towards Aqua, on the other hand, are the kind that make her happy and excited. Seeing Aqua lifts her spirits and energizes her. This greatly affects her condition—when Aqua responds to her, Kana can perform at more than 200%, but when their relationship isn't going well, she drops to below 70%, becoming subdued and deflated. Acting is her main job, so she'll perform regardless of Aqua, but when it comes to her idol work, which she started because of Aqua, the fluctuations are much more pronounced.

I think Aqua's main feeling towards Akane is gratitude. If I were to classify it as a type of love, it would be more like storge or pragma, a comradely affection accompanied by a sense of stability. He sees her as someone who understands the difficult parts of himself that he finds hard to express to others.

Aqua's feelings towards Kana, on the other hand, are romantic. If we were to classify it, it would be eros or philia—love that makes his heart race. The reason I felt it would be hard for this character to end up with Akane is that he has never shown any romantic excitement towards her. On the other hand, he's shown this a lot towards Kana throughout the manga, consistently. If Akane provides stable support, Kana's actions have a significant impact on Aqua. Kana is the one who shakes Aqua, making it clear that "Aqua likes her." Aqua is usually a very subdued character, but Kana stirs him up, provoking meaningful reactions and lifting his spirits. Whenever this happens, Aqua is a bit surprised and troubled, wondering why he's feeling this way, but he definitely becomes brighter.

I believe this would be similar to his biological father. Actually, Aqua has never once been distracted. He is clear about who he likes, and this consistency makes it hard to call him a playboy, even if he might seem like a bad boy.

Hikaru probably liked Ai and only Ai. There's little room for doubt about that. Even if he dated someone else, his heart was with Ai, which would have left the other person feeling very hurt (similar to how Aqua was with Akane). That's the type he is.

Speaking of which, I think Aqua and Akane might have ended up together if Akane hadn't taken a knife and tried to find Hikaru. Storge-pragmatic love is still love, even if it doesn't have the thrill. Being with someone can feel comfortable and stable, bringing peace of mind. That's a feeling usually found in couples who have been together for years. If nothing had happened and Aqua decided to focus on Akane and ignore Kana for a few years, it might have been possible.

However, Akane has an unusually strong desire to protect Aqua, which sometimes makes her overly intrusive into his personal space. It's not that her character is bad, but this is the opposite of Kana...

Unfortunately, Kana hasn't had many opportunities to deeply understand Aqua, while Akane goes in too deep. That's probably why it's hard for me to fully attach myself to her character. She's skilled at profiling and understanding others, but it feels like she's crossing a delicate line—almost rude, even if it's out of affection. Her character is kind. But, as someone who analyzes characters, I find that dissecting someone's personal life and then acting based on those assumptions, before they've said anything, can be really touchy and intrusive. It's more considerate to wait until the person opens up to you. Akane, however, strongly believes in what she perceives, which is why she took up the knife for Aqua. She saw something so clearly, but the problem was that Aqua didn't want her to go that far. That's why things didn't work out.

I understand where she's coming from. Akane is very sensitive and perceptive. When it comes to characters, analyzing deeply doesn't hurt anyone, so I can comment on them. But with real people, even if I notice something, I can't act on it with such certainty. It's important to experience things directly and listen to what the other person wants. Akane's confidence in her perceptions led her to act, thinking it was the right thing to do for Aqua. However, Aqua didn't want her to take such extreme measures, and that's why it didn't work out.

Watching today's episode gave me some insights. It seems that Akane's feelings for Aqua are indeed love, but they also resemble a maternal kind of love, wanting to protect and support him. Saying "I'm on your side no matter what you do" is something a deeply loving partner might say, but Akane and Aqua aren't at that level in their relationship yet, even if they have mutual affection. At this stage, such words seem to stem more from a sisterly or motherly instinct to protect rather than romantic love.

So, it struck me that Ai's feelings for Hikaru are essentially a combination of Akane's feelings for Aqua and Kana's feelings for Aqua.

To add, Ai's influence on Hikaru is similar to the combined influence of Akane and Kana on Aqua.

In the current movie arc, the emotional aspects of Akane-Aqua and Ai-Hikaru relationships seem very similar. Ai was a source of protection for Hikaru, someone he could turn to in times of great distress. When they were dating, Hikaru genuinely loved Ai and saw her as his only understanding companion. Their relationship was one of emotional support.

Ai wanted to share Hikaru's burdens, and it seems they might have even lived together for a while (in chapters 153-154, Ai packs her belongings, including a toothbrush, to leave. The fact that she could fit everything into a small bag and leave in such a sudden manner feels very real;; This must have been devastating for Hikaru, as it signaled the end of their relationship, she didn't even leave so much behind). To Hikaru, Ai was a refuge, and Ai wanted to provide that for him.

However, their relationship wasn't just about emotional support. The excitement and "I'm in love" feelings that Kana has for Aqua seem to echo in Ai's recorded videos.

Scenes of Hikaru and Ai dating or kissing are said to be fictional and Hikaru himself claims they are fictional. However, if we compare these scenes to Aqua's relationships, they resemble his interactions with Kana (and these emotions are typically found in romantic relationships, which is why I think Aqua and Kana will end up together). While they might be labeled as fiction, Aqua's immediate rebuttal suggests that, although not exact replicas, these scenes are likely rooted in truth.

I feel that the Akane-Aqua relationship has already reached a certain conclusion (I think these two will remain partners and good friends).

What's still unresolved is the Kana-Aqua relationship. The theme here is that while Akane was the one supporting Aqua, Kana is the one pulling Aqua towards her, bringing him into the light. I think this is the significance of Kana's role in the story. Just meeting Kana brings Aqua to life (honestly, this alone makes me think that Aqua would be happy with her).

I believe that ultimately, this is also what Ai wanted to do for Hikaru. She wanted to support him, share his burdens, and then, move forward to live a future together with him.

The fact that such words could be said about Hikaru shows how much Ai cared for him when they were together. A few paragraphs up, I mentioned Kana's excitement towards Aqua.

Actually, Ai's character is rather indifferent. She's cute and pretty, but Ai rarely shows genuine emotion, even when smiling. Hikaru even thought that Ai never loved him, just like everyone else. Even though they had two children together, he still wasn't sure if he was loved.

But Ai says that Hikaru was the first person she ever wanted to love. This is significant. When Kaburagi explained the moment Ai fell in love, Ai's face showed a blush and an expression of infatuation, which was really how she felt about Hikaru. This wasn't well depicted in the movie arc (I think it's because of the idea that Hikaru thought he was relying on Ai had to be convincingly portrayed. That's why it was handled this way). I think there's a chance this might come out more clearly as the Kana-Aqua relationship develops. I was cautious about whether Ai truly loved Hikaru because her feelings towards him seemed similar to Akane's feelings towards Aqua, which is a form of love but not quite the romantic, heart-fluttering kind between lovers. However, after watching the video, I understood. Ai really liked him. Romantically.

Both Ai and Hikaru must have had the same kind of love that Aqua and Kana share.

The emotional trajectory of Aqua and Kana is moving towards the brighter side together.

Ai probably wanted to give that to Hikaru. She wanted to take him, who was wandering in the dark, and bring him into the light where she was.

But she couldn't do that before.

The reason Kana's turn comes at the end is because of this. I believe Kana represents light and the future, and moving towards that direction would conclude the story.

It reminds me of Death Note. Everyone knows that L is far superior to Near and Mello. But Near says that combining his and Mello's abilities could surpass L.

Akane and Kana individually might not surpass Ai's abilities. But if they combine their strengths, the outcome for Aqua could be better than what Ai achieved for Hikaru.

The relationship dynamics for this comic are set up incredibly well. This is truly well done.

And I think Ai didn't give up on Hikaru. Something Ai left behind will likely offer redemption for Hikaru. It's like accomplishing something with the main characters that she wanted to do but couldn't as a child...

Additionally, as I mentioned before when analyzing Kamiki, Ai was an immensely significant presence for this character. Hikaru was originally a person who lacked love, and Ai gave him almost all the love he longed for. He couldn't help but love her. Look at what he says about Ai in chapters 153 and 154. He loved her enough to sacrifice his life for her—I've always thought this line was crucial. When would he have risked his life? He also said he genuinely loved her from the bottom of his heart.

Those words have to be true. Seeing his reaction after watching the video, I'm sure of it. I think there's a high probability that he never tried to harm Ai. I'll estimate about 70%.

Losing someone like that? The reaction should be something like Mephisto or Fatal. He would definitely be capable of doing anything for her sake. Such a strong feeling towards someone would lead to that.

And Ai really did like him.

I believe Ai will ultimately get everything she wished for because she's ambitious :) I think the true essence or the final impact of the song "Idol" hasn't come out yet. I believe that song will encompass everything until the end of this story. It seems like it was made with the ending in mind.

I'm looking forward to it~

[xr0tt3nxfl3shx]

👁💊My Medicine is underdeveloped and my Amygdala won't work.💉👁

Twomp[AU] fanfiction + art !! Pertains to the events in this post. [No beta we die.]

⚠️‼️TW: VOMITING / OVERDOSE / SUICIDAL IDEATION / UNREALITY / CORRUPT MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM / GENERAL MENTAL ILLNESS THEMES‼️⚠️

A/N: i didnt wanna mention it tbh but just in case, ive been down the chemical consumption road 3 times, an i mention because i know the internet has opinions on mental illness in writing. But ive been there myself. All up close and personal like. so i think i can speak on it (dont castrate me)

POV: 👁Argos👁

I scratch at my skin in the dark of my room as if that'll hold in the tears from spilling over my burning red cheeks. The feeling of rage and overwhelming depression clash within me, and leave me to switch every few minutes between cursing the name of every therapist who ever told me that "I'm not even trying to get better" and crying over the idea that they might be right.

My heartbeat is so vigorous that it feels like at any moment the tendons will tear away and my heart will burst in my ribs. How could anyone say that to me? I seethe and hiss through my gritting teeth. Why can't I get better? I cry enough to fill an ocean and nearly drown in my tears.

I should be able to control all of this by now, I'm not a child. Yet, I can't stop thinking about putting the heads of those who hurt me on a platter. Or banging my head on my bedroom wall hard enough to dull the heartbreak. My eyes are running dry from all the tears, I've been at this for a while. My head is pounding from the adrenaline. All reasonable thoughts are drowned out, with intrusive and irrational ones taking the place of my internal voice of reason.

I can make it better, I can make this better. I just need to try a little harder! Just.. go a little further. These feelings, it's just a chemical imbalance right?

I'm running out of options, types of therapy, pills, at this point I might as well just get a lobotomy. I'm sure my therapist would like that.

There's still time to make this right. I don't have to end my life to end my suffering right?

I can prove them wrong. I will prove them wrong. It's just a chemical imbalance. I just need to fix it.

I rummage through the medicine cabinet above my bathroom sink, overlooking the blood crusting around the drain. There has to be something in here that can make my head stop pounding or my thoughts quiet down if not for just a little while. Maybe everything all at once? Yeah that should do!

Laid out in front of me on the cold tiled floor of my bathroom are various pill bottles. The amount of pills actually in them is varied, they like to switch my meds every other week it seems. I try to be hasty with this, pouring out a small handful of gel capsules into my hand. Each one smooth, glossy, and slightly cool to the touch.

You know, I've been here before, and typically there's some survival instinct in me, paralyzing my hands before I can do any damage. But all I can feel is anguish. And anger. And there's no more room for self preservation in me.

I take my first dose before I can come down from my emotion fueled adrenaline rush. Quickly now don't let the self preservation come back. I take my next dose of a new pill type, a tablet. It was a bad idea doing this dry but oh well!

Before I know it I'm slumped against my bathroom door, unable to continue my self medication on account of the mounds of pills I dry swallowed having begun triggering my gag reflex. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about this, but it had to be done. My therapist is always urging me to take steps in the right direction!

(Though admittedly he never mentioned which direction is the right one.)

I make it back to my bed, dragging my feet and leaning on the wall for support the whole way. It's not even five minutes in when I start to feel the effects. I probably should've eaten before taking my pills like the instructions say.

This is different though, I feel my connection to reality slip right through my jittery fingers. Like the shadows in my room are divulging their presence. Like they are reaching out their hands, ready to take hold of me, pull me in and make me one with unreality. An emptiness overcomes me, something I've truly never felt before. And it's the strangest thing, because simultaneously I've never felt more alive in my life.

Everything is really funny, I've never noticed how funny everything is up until now. Every little unorganized thought that pops up in my foggy, spacing-out head manages to get a strained laugh out of me.

Visual snow floods my peripheral, the colors of the world begin to become one with the static in my eyes.

Ah, I remembered what I was going to do in here. I need to call Mr. Plant. I need him to know that I'm going to get better, and how much I love him of course. Oh he'll never understand just how much I love him! I love him to death, haha! Literally.

I dial in the number. Moving has proven difficult, like trying to control a vehicle while tired and out of it, or in my case trying to control a vehicle through the most debilitating brain fog I've ever experienced. The disconnection from body and thought is almost calming.

The ringing of the phone is such a funny thing as well. I could lose myself in the methodical rhythm and loose vibrations running up my hands- oh look here he's answered!

"M‐r… plant! I ha-ve.. s o me thi.. ng to tell you."

I am fighting to get the words out. The weak sounds I manage to get out of my raspy throat come out in uneven tones with jarring stutters. Why is it so hard to speak?

"I took.. a lot o-f... my me-ds. Ha-ha!" He hangs up immediately.

Is he not happy for me? It wasn't long before I heard sirens closing in. Did he call the cops on me? That's no fair, no fair at all.

I've never been rolled into the back of an ambulance on a stretcher before but there's a first time for everything I suppose. It's too bad I'm too out of it to really experience it.

In the ambulance is when the first wave of nausea hits. I could barely even feel the EMT insert the IV or hear when they asked me questions.

———

The heart palpitations do their diligence distracting from the perforations left in my arm from the injections of various medications and the IV drip.

My respiration is just as irregular as my heart's chemical damaged rhythm. I feel like I'm drowning in this heavy air and it feels like the knots in my stomach have spread to my heart. This pain is so unbearable that I feel the need to crave it out of myself with a blade.

The world is doubling- no tripling, blurring, and mushing together all at once. I can feel the hum of the fluorescent hospital light buzz through my head. The scent of rubbing alcohol and sterilized equipment is evident throughout the cold medical facility.

By my own hands I've made my body a place unsuitable for living. I've "almost drugged myself to an early grave" as the hospital staff keep reminding me.

Speaking of body, I can no longer tell where I end and the wires of the EKG machine begin. Neuropathy has set in and nerve sensation has dulled for the most part, except in my stomach and heart where it hurts the most of course. But me and the machines they have me hooked up to might as well be one as long as they are taking the place of my dysfunctional body systems.

When they run the EKG scan, which they do about every half hour, they ask me to stay as still as I can, but it's hard to control the shaking when I don't know where it comes from in the first place. I'm by no means cold, or if I am I really can't feel it.

Have I mentioned the shaking? The tremors? I need to grow accustomed to the flavor of raw stomach acid soon, because that's all I've been throwing up anymore. It's all that's left.

The nausea begins to build all over again, like my stomach is writhing and contorting in my torso. I can feel the knots being tied. Over the next few minutes it builds and builds, I'd do anything to stop the encroaching bile now. The nausea completely overwhelms my senses right before another round of the most violent retching I've ever experienced. Accompanied by the most awful squelching and splattering sounds as it hits the rest of vomit already resting at the bottom of the bag.

I feel like I'm nearing being turned inside out everytime it happens. And I've filled yet another vomit bag. This isn't going to stop for days as the doctor told me. I doubt I'll get the luxury of unconsciousness.

The activated charcoal they gave me to drink is like this black sludge, "slow and steady now, don't drink so fast you throw it all up but not so slow that you succumb to the consequences of your own actions." Well maybe that's not what they really said but it's how it felt. I can tell the staff are judging me, I just know it! They think I deserve this.

At least the charcoal is cherry flavored.

My many eyes dart around the clean and pristine hospital room erratically, glancing off in every direction. I don't want anyone to look at me anymore. I can't stand the buzz of the lights and I can barely bring myself to move enough to blink. Or even move enough to breathe. I am much too dizzy and light-headed to even consider standing up. I'm so dizzy I could swear I'm phasing in and out of my body. The only thing keeping my consciousness bound to this body is the unending pain ancoring me in the reality of my situation.

It's growing increasingly unbearable.

Above all else I am losing my mind trying to figure out where I went wrong tonight. These chemicals were supposed to fix all these feelings. The pills were supposed to fix me. My psychiatrists and therapists all told me that I'm sick, disordered, and all I needed was to buy a few more medicines.

It must be my fault, it must be if hundreds of milligrams of mood stabilizers can't just make it better.

Tell me, anyone tell me, why I'm so useless that I can't even help myself?

Why am I so worthless that my medicine won't work on me?

I am almost entirely suspended in unreality. The prozac, olanzapine, mirtazapine, and everything other useless drug they gave me were meant to cure me. I've tried everything!

I've done the very most I can to try and make the bad thoughts quiet down. And are the thoughts that tell me "I'd be better dead", my own thoughts, or a symptom of one of my diagnoses?

Is the reason I'm like this the same reason I don't deserve love, or do I not deserve love because I'm like this? I want to get better. I swear I really do.

So why does no one believe me?

"Sir, you have a visitor." The nurse informs me in a harsh yet hush tone.

The words barely make it through my chemical head. I'm practically catatonic in this hospital bed. But when I do process them I pray to every divine that it is who I think it is.

Red petals on the top and bottom, two yellow petals, one pink and one blue. I was right!

I can't believe he came all the way down to this void to come see me. I really thought he'd stay home. I don't think anyone or anything could possibly understand the pure desperation I feel coursing through my veins. Right alongside the saline they're using to flush my IV of course.

My boyfriend entered my hospital room, #34 I believe, I saw when they rolled me in on the stretcher. Tears well up in my dried eyes, I couldn't feel enough of anything to cry while drugged out of my head but seeing him, well, I need him more than I have ever needed anyone before.

The look on his face when he saw me is one I didn't know he was capable of, pure horror even. I must look horrible stained with my own bile in these itchy hospital scrubs. He is quick to clasp my hand in his and rub along my knuckles and the back of my palm. Through the blurred vision and tears I can't even make him out anymore but I don't need to, I just need his touch. I need it so badly.

I have no depth perception at the moment, or hand eye coordination, and again everything is quite blurry so it was mostly unintentional when I pulled him in by the sweater. He leans into me and wraps his arms under my upper back, holding me against his chest.

He's warm against me, holding me gently in a hospital bed. I can't feel much at all other than the pain, his warmth was the only other sensation I could pin down in my head. It was such a harsh contrast from how I normally see him acting.

With him so close I can't tell where he ends and I begin this time. Even in one of my most painful moments, I feel a familiar comfort in my palpitating heart. He's the only thing keeping me from going entirely mad. He has no idea what I'd give to melt into him right here right now, become an amalgamated abomination of our half hazardly bonded flesh and bone. I'm afraid I'd ruin him and all his perfection with me and all my misshapen and grotesqueness.

I am especially disgusting as of now, making him worry about me like this. Can I not be horrible for just one second? Selfish, that's it. I must be selfish. I take another go at speaking a moment after we pull away. All I can muster is an apology that comes out more like a pathetic stammer through my tears.

The way his cold gaze met mine shook me. I've never seen real tears stream down his face. He looks so... distraught. Its like he's looking right through me and simultaneously looking directly at me. And on top of everything I've never seen him sign so frantically. He rarely signs at all.

"Please don't be sorry."

…

"Don't strain your voice."

"Just stay right there, okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'll get you anything, I'd do anything for you."

I knew he cared about me, but I guess I never realized just how much. Or maybe I just forgot. How horrible am I?

Is it possible I'm actually worth something to him? Worth enough for him to call me an ambulance, worth enough for him to comfort me in the hospital bed, worth enough for him to cry over me?

Was I really worth staying with all this time?

My thoughts are interrupted by another round of retching, it seems those knots in my stomach weren't just anxiety. Mr. Plant holds my hand through it. I'm gonna be here a while, I know that. But he's here with me, and from the looks of it he isn't leaving my side anytime soon.

I'll make it out alive, not for myself, just for him. And for the possibility that maybe he needs me just as much as I need him. I wish my mind wasn't so scrambled, so I could find the words to express just how much I love him.

I love you Mr. Plant.

[lilalilan]

Finally got done watching the new Quinton Reviews video and have some thoughts. If you're not familiar with the video in question just know that I will be talking about child abuse so be prepared.

Something he did a really good job navigating is talking about behavior that was clearly abusive, but that doesn't neatly fall into the main categories of abuse we use, those being Physical, Emotional, and Sexual.

People really don't know how to handle things that clearly weren't okay but that don't fall neatly into those categories. I've even struggled with trying to understand my own experiences, which I'm going to use as an example. One of the things I experienced growing up was one of my parents asking me for massages and not being allowed to say no. Physical contact like that leads people towards wanting to categorize it as sexual abuse, but it wasn't sexual. And so people, with hesitation, refer to it as physical abuse. But our general cultural conception of physical abuse is physical violence, so I've never felt comfortable calling it physical abuse because I don't want it to come off as though I'm claiming I experienced something that I didn't. So I've generally had to go with explaining the specifics, and I hate that because I don't want to have to get into the specifics with everyone who I needs to understand what I've been through.

And I think that same line of thinking is why people to try and accuse Dan Schneider of child sex abuse even though (from my understanding) there is no evidence for that. They understand his behavior to be bad, and want to call it out, but our current understanding of abuse and abusive behavior doesn't really have a way of categorizing "inappropriate physical contact with a child that is not sexual". If it was child sex abuse that is a clear cut bad thing that culturally we already understand as a bad thing and have ways of talking about. So people lean towards trying to categorize it as child sex abuse even though the things we know about don't really fall into that category, because otherwise we don't really have a way to talk about it and understand it.

So I guess part of what I want to say here is thank you to Quinton Reviews for giving us the phrase "inappropriate boundaries" to refer to these types of things. Because I think we have words to describe certain types of inappropriate boundaries (sexual abuse for if it's sexual, parentification if it's about treating the kid like a fellow parent, etc.) but I've never really seen a term describing the overarching idea of just "adult behaving inappropriately with a child".

For me personally it gives me a better way of understanding and describing my own experiences. It's taken me from "there were a lot of different upsetting yet hard to describe things that happened that I don't know how to categorize or really explain" to "along with the neglect and the emotional abuse my parents did not maintain appropriate physical and emotional boundaries which messed me up in the long run". Clearly and succinctly describes what happened without getting into detail or forcing me to provide personal information.

And I think culturally having a way to talk about this type of abuse is useful. I'm hoping that enough people see the video that I can start talking about my experiences and be understood by others.

Also just like. Not being sexual abuse doesn't mean that it's not bad or messed up or worthy of attention and discussion and support. I feel like sometimes people think you're trying to downplay what happened but like. I say that being forced to provide massages was not sexual because I know for a fact it wasn't sexual. That doesn't mean that my being forced to provide an adult with physical contact was okay, it doesn't mean it didn't mess me up, it just means it messed me up differently than how it probably would have if it was sexual.

[eisforeidolon]

Alrighty- Whaddya think of this?

I’ve been rewatching the show and am now at season 8. I shake my head at all the known moments in the show that hellers claim are canon ship bs, because you’d have to be stretch Armstrong to reach that far..

But something did nag me. There were times that Cas WAS the emotional support for Dean where I really thought it should have been Sam conversing with him. For the majority of the series we saw Dean be the caretaker, emotional support etc for Sam, and it never really came from anyone else- lest he was being manipulated by some evil person. However there were many times where that wasn’t reciprocated on screen. Cas would almost stand in for Sam when Dean needed someone, showed Dean a lot of compassion. (Please believe I’m being objective and not a stan in hiding). I think THAT dynamic confused people. Why didn’t they have Sam having those convos with Dean more? I mean, narratively I understand the need for Cas to move the plot forward with his specific role, but so many times it was an angsty Dean who I think NEEDED his BROTHER more than a convo with Cas. Now there are people who just wanted to sexualize Jensen/Dean and couldn’t possibly be linked the wincest as their puritan sensibilities just wouldn’t allow them. But OTHER fans seemed to have latched on to the dynamic of Dean and Cas because they saw Dean have emotional moments with him.

Now during my rewatch it pissed me off, because I realized that the writers were making some conscious choices to have Sam NOT fill that role for Dean. Like it seemed like they went out of their way at times to make Sam seem more indifferent to Dean. This is why- wildly unpopular opinion here- I didn’t like Sera Gamble! I think she isolated Sam away from Dean and had Cas fill in for Sam. That codependent brother thing I LIVE FOR, was kinda washed out during her seasons (in my opinion), but more so from one side. I think she didn’t really like Dean, period, but whereas I know Sam fans LOVE Gamble, I think she mischaracterized Sam a lot.

In my mind, Sam is just as in love with Dean as Dean is with him (whether that be wincest or brotherly is up to your interpretation). You remember when Rowena started really having a relationship with Sam? And then Jack, too? That was really the first time we’ve seen Sam have that type of side character interaction depth. It’s why Sam fans love those two characters because they related to Sam! Well, isn’t that why Dean fans loved Cas, too?

I dunno I’m ranting and probably make no sense, but I was definitely annoyed with the writers in quite a bit if my rewatch during seasons 4-7 because it seemed such a purposeful choice to NOT show Sam being for Dean what they chose to show Cas being. I think knot blurred the lines and did such a disservice to Sam. Ironically, I think Carver rectified this a lot! Even with the angst and separation, Carver’s seasons demonstrably showed the codependency and intense brotherly love. I prefer seasons 1-3 and then all of Carver’s seasons!

I couldn't remember any instances of Dean leaning on Castiel when there wasn't some obvious reason it wasn't a conversation with Sam. So I went through season by season, and ultimately, I think you have to look at what the plot arc between the brothers is. As I've said before, the one thing that I actually like about Dabb as a showrunner is finally dropping the constant circling back to brother conflict drama that, to me at least, felt more and more artificial. Even if we're talking about seasons 4-7, we have to start at the beginning, because I think the first three seasons are pointedly bringing the brothers back together closer than ever in preparation for all the apocalypse shenanigans to attempt to tear them apart.

In terms of Dean opening up, specifically, consider what happens in those seasons between them from Dean's perspective.

In season four, he comes back from hell traumatized only to realize Sam has been lying to him about using his powers and working with Ruby. When he asks Sam to explain because he's scared of the powers, Sam refuses to talk about it and says he wouldn't understand (4x04). So how can it be a surprise that when he wants to talk in the next episode, it's Jamie the bartender he chooses instead? Is it really strange he basically mirrors what Sam said about Dean not being able to understand when Sam confronts him about what Uriel said regarding him remembering hell (4x08)? Castiel (4x07) and Anna (4x10) conversing with Dean are more about their own fears and insecurities more than Dean's. When Dean does finally open up and is ready to actually talk about what happened in hell, it is to Sam (4x11). Except, it's pretty soon after that (4x14) where Sam throws it back in his face under the influence of the siren, calling him a weak, whiny burden who is just holding Sam back. Can it really be a surprise then that, again, next time Dean opens up it's to Tessa (4x15)? And then, when the doubts are basically exactly what Sam said, i.e. that the apocalypse really is too big for him to deal with and he is scared, he says it to Castiel instead (4x16)? Which I think is only validated to Dean when Sam says the same kind of thing all over again without the siren's influence when they fight in 4x21. They're in conflict and being torn in opposite directions, which is kind of the point. Actually communicating – if they both weren't too stubborn to do it – would basically halt season 4's entire plot in its tracks.

Without making this post five miles long, those kinds of things happen again and again in 5-7, too. Sam is literally not there to talk to when he leaves at the beginning of the season, and they don't get back together because they've actually sorted out all the shit between them from the previous events, but because Sam has realized he can't get out and Dean doesn't trust that Sam will continue to say no to Lucifer if they're apart. So when Dean opens up, it's to his hallucination of a therapist instead of Sam. Blow after blow follows thereafter. What they see of Sam's heaven being an entire absence of Dean. Everyone leaving Dean to grieve at Lisa's for a year knowing Sam is back(ish) the whole time. Soulless!Sam's actions, which (as unfair as it might be) Dean clearly had trouble separating out from regular Sam's. Sam's sanity hanging on by a wall, then being plagued by Hallucifer. Similar big conflicts and obstacles to frank conversation continue on into seasons 8 and 9, too.

I think you can fairly go fifty layers deep into what's going on in both of their heads in any of those instances and see where they're coming from, but Dean isn't going to be doing that as the one living it. From his perspective? There are a lot of reasons to not open up to Sam because of what's going on in their lives and how they each feel about it. So sometimes he does open up to others – which includes Castiel.

I definitely remember way back when I was a multishipper that a lot of D/C shippers said they started shipping the ship because Castiel didn't have that fraught history with Dean that Sam does with all the conflicts and misunderstandings. That's fine (although IMO it hardly held true for very long). However, to me it seems like Dean is just as likely to turn to a stranger (or the hallucination of one) as he is to turn to Castiel instead of Sam, so I don't really see it as some huge thing in the canon that really justifies thinking the ship is anything but certain fans over-investing in what they particularly like. I also think that Sam was just less and less likely to open up to anyone at all as the series went on – but when he does, it was also often with Castiel or Jody or Charlie or Rowena instead of Dean. Because the season conflict didn't rely on them being unable to communicate effectively with those other characters and the judgement of those other characters couldn't do as much damage if it was negative.

None of that even gets into the whole other issue of the underlying dynamics carried over from their childhood which also plays into things. Where Dean still sees his primary purpose as protecting Sam as his little brother rather than always seeing him as a true partner. Where he has self-worth and abandonment issues that make him unable to understand why Sam would value him and not be able to just get over his death. Where Sam is not only all too aware that Dean doesn't value himself and gets frustrated with that? But has spent so long fighting against what everyone else wants from him that he still sometimes treats Dean as a substitute for authority instead of a partner and pushes back at any disagreement with his (not always as) brilliant (as he thinks) plans as “bossing him around”? Where he also gets very agitated whenever Dean is not okay because he needs Dean to be okay to the point he insistently tries to fix it by making Dean talk when Dean isn't ready to. In short, they both have huge underlying issues that skew how they see each other and they're both stubborn as hell.

Then when you add on top of that how the writers had such a tendency to revolve the action arcs around Sam and the emotional ones around Dean as the viewpoint character that Sam's emotions and thoughts often seem like a mysterious locked box through large parts of the series? I do get why some fans can read that as Sam being indifferent to Dean, but I don't think that's the underlying intention or the case. Because of that focus choice, to a large extent we only see how badly Sam needs Dean when there's a threat of Dean not being there or Dean is taken away – but I would argue that we do really see it then. From not caring about Marshall Hall to wanting to try Doc Benton's solution to trying to suicide by demon to initially allowing himself to be manipulated by Ruby to taking on his Cage memories to the Rowena and Oskar debacle to how his montage life was entirely blurry except for his son and his grief over Dean.

[witchthewriter]

@pookipomi.

𝐓𝐌𝐑

𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑵𝒆𝒘𝒕! Always with a level-head, you know you're in safe hands. He has so much loyalty that you never feel uncomfortable around others, he's completely yours and he wants everyone to know it.

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

From the moment you two agreed to be in a romantic relationship, Newt prioritized trust and faithfulness. He's reliable and committed to you, always standing by your side and working to build a strong foundation of trust.

Your safety is the most important thing to him. Even if the danger has been thwarted. Newt will go to the end of the earth to keep anything bad from happening to you. He is so reassuring.

Loves holding your face in his hands, makes you stare into his eyes - it's his way of silently saying "you're here, you're okay"

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈

True North by Joseph Trapanese

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆���� 

Home Is Wherever You Are

The Parents Of The Group

Accidental confession during heat of the moment/fight. (You were almost killed and he got so mad that you put yourself in danger.)

𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆

Mutual Growth and Empowerment

𝐇𝐏

𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑵𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒆 𝑳𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒕𝒐𝒎! (I HAD to use this gif, I've never seen it and omg imagine this is professor neville :o ) He would be the best match for you. Is fine with you being independent but loves it when you want to be in his company, or want to lean on him.

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

So very considerate of you and your emotions/feelings. You always feel heard and understood. That's something that you never worry about

Absolute safe space for you. You'd feel so comfortable in expressing yourself and he'd be your cheerleader in anything and everything you do

I think something that a lot of people forget is Neville's humour. Sometimes he's funny on purpose but a lot of the time it's not. He just has amazing comedic timing. And I think that's something that made you crush on him

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈

Baby I'm Yours by Cass Elliot

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔 

"Hey can I have a…" (You) x "Yes. Whatever it is. Yes." (Neville)

Gives Necklace (Neville) x Wears It Everyday No Matter What (You)

Aggressively Supportive & Protective Of Each Other

𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆

Unbreakable Bond

𝐋𝐎𝐓𝐑

𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑺𝒂𝒎𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒆! I absolutely adore Sam, to me he is the main character. He was the one who CARRIED FRODO ON HIS BACK to succeed the mission. Imagine Frodo by himself? They'd be livin' in an orc world. Okay, sorry I went on a rant.

I think you two would be great for each other because you have such similar personalities but Sam would, without a doubt, throw hands for you. He would love you so fiercely and without holding back.

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

The BEST cook for you - he always has food ready for you. He's the type of partner to be like, 'have you eaten? drank water? do you want some food? i'm gonna get you something hold on-'

Is a homemaker but also really masculine at the same time? He would honestly be a DREAM

His nicknames for you are: "deary," "my love," "sweetheart." And he says them in front of anyone unabashedly! Even though Pippin and Merry definitely tease him

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈

Ho Hey by the Midnite String Quartet

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔 

When Two Of The Sweetest people In The Room Are In Love

Falls In Love Wholeheartedly (Sam) x Wary Of Love (You)

More Alike Than Different

𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆

Timeless Love

[thatseventiesbitch]

What do you think led Donna to date Casey? S4 was a memorable season but not my favorite because of Donna. I always thought the reason why Donna decided to date Casey was that she was going through some things during this season (i.e. her parents separation, Eric decided to date again) and because of that she needed someone to lean on and thought Casey was perhaps the guy. What really struck me was that Donna always saw herself as independent and a feminist but her poor judgment as well as the events that happened in S4 may have led her to date Casey who is the type of guy she always thought she never liked.

Thanks for the ask!

Personally, no, I do not think Donna chose to date Casey because she thought he would be a good person to lean on and would give her the kind of support she needed during a difficult time in her life. I think that... gives her way too much credit. 😂

Donna was resistant to start dating again. Jackie was the one who set her up with Casey for the first time in S4xE16 "Donna Dates A Kelso" - pretty much against her wishes - but when he shows up Donna is clearly attracted to him and decides to give it a go. On their first date Donna tries to talk to him about what's going on in her life, and here's how that goes:

Donna: Thanks. This is fun. I've been spending, like, way too much time worrying about my mom and stuff. Casey: Hey I learned something in the army. When things are tough turn up the music and crack open another beer. Donna: Yeah you mean, like, things will eventually get better? Casey: I don't know about that. But if they don't, at least you'll have a beer.

So what's sad is that she was looking for that emotional support, for someone to help her process what she was going through at home, but she didn't get it from Casey like she probably would've from Eric. Casey's not that guy. I think Donna's vulnerable and impressionable here, she's taken in by a handsome older man and his charms, and she's looking for a quick way to feel better. Which is exactly what Casey's offering.

And then I think Donna's decision to keep seeing Casey was compounded by the fact that it clearly bothered Eric. He was trying to twist the knife, make her feel jealous with the 'Most Eligible Viking' thing (in a later episode she admits that 'it like, broke my heart' when Eric said he wanted to officially start dating other people), and so she does it back. And it's a lot more effective.

I understand your frustration with Donna during her Casey Kelso phase. It really wasn't her at her best - but as we all know, there were a lot of extenuating circumstances for Donna that season and she was 17 years old at the time, so that tempers a lot of it for me. I enjoyed the unexpected call-back to it in That '90s Show, where she seems to admit as much to her daughter, too. 😂

[starsarefire824]

This is going to be random, but I wanted to say something.

For some time shipping hasn't been fun for me, and it's even worse since I enjoy crack-ships and other uncommon couples. When I started watching Stranger Things I liked the idea of Madwheeler, and I also started reading your fanfiction The Pact before even having a Tumblr account.

Today I found out about you, and when I saw that you're a writer for more famous ships like Byler but also made an amazing Madwheeler piece, it really made me smile. It's just somehow refreshing seeing someone having fun with different character dynamics and stuff.

It made me think "Damn, that's a person I can admire.". It made me somehow believe I can have fun with this again. So thank you. I hope you keep writing and sharing your ideas out there. Be weel!

Hey there @abajurapagado!! You have no idea how much this means to me!! 🥹 That I could help you in any way have a better time in the fandom and enjoy it! That's amazing.

That, after all, is what fandom is for first and foremost: Enjoyment.

That being said, I have always been a person who has written for and been a fan of smaller ships, non-canon ships, unpopular ships even in very small fandoms. I just tend to gravitate towards what interests me. In the past I've been a part of the Turn fandom (I liked a gay pairing-townhull- that was very much non-canon), Star Wars (reylo, gingerrose), OFMD (izzy x lucius), The Morning Show (stella x cory). Most of those are all very much non-canon 😂.

And this is the first fandom where I've seen many people be so staunchly devoted to "canon". It's something I haven't come across in my other fandom travels.

But, in the end, it doesn't matter what the pairing is, if it makes you happy and you find the dynamic interesting than I say engage with it! Even if it makes others side eye you or not be happy with it. It doesn't matter. I'm very much a ship and let ship type of person. And in my Star Wars and Shadow and Bone days, have been in support of some very unliked pairings, but I've tried to never to let it stop me from having a good time. I'm here for the dynamics and drama and I tend to lean towards certain dynamics because of that!

Byler is the first pairing I've ever been a fan of, besides Reylo, that is "mainstream" or has a big following. Actually, as a past Reylo, I see a lot of the same thing happening with Byler....people saying that the followers are delusional, where if you watched the SW films...know how that all ended up 🙃

But also, my other biggest SW ship, gingerrose, is a random ship that was built around 3 pieces of dialogue and a finger bite deleted scene lmao....and they've ended up being a dynamic I actually like a lot better and read about more than I ever did Reylo. I think that you can ship multiple things in the same fandom and it's okay if one of them is a little different, unpopular, or people think it's weird. There is no reason for people to be offended by what other people ship. That is such a strange concept to me.

Madwheeler, to me, is interesting. I am VERY much aware it's a "crackship" or whatever. I do not expect anything from canon. That's not the point. It actually is freeing to have something be completely for fun, and I don't have those emotional ties like I do byler or I did with reylo, where I really wanted it to happen it canon. I think the actors have good chemistry, I think they are for sure very paralleled to one another, and I think that it's a ship that has a lot to unpack. I don't give a flying fuck if it's not canon or out of nowhere or if some people think it's "ick". Doesn't bother me. I am interested in the drama, I like to headcanon them both as bisexual which is fun, and I live for the tension of "hating" someone and having sexual tension. It's good shit, and it's SO EASY to do with their dynamic. It practically writes itself.

I love Byler for different reasons: the best friends to lovers trope, the sweetness of it, the angst, the coming of age. Will is my favorite character and I just love his story.

Both pairings offer SO MANY things, but they also are very different. And it allows me as a writer to explore different tropes, different facets of these fictional character's personalities, and as there is always a little bit of myself in my writing, explore some different emotions etc.

And I personally believe that exploring new dynamics in addition to my main one, has kept me more active in the ST fandom and byler community. It's kept me feeling creative, and keeps it fun as we're waiting for season 5 crumbs and filming to start etc! Fanfiction is very much meant for exploring things that don't happen in canon and exploring character dynamics that speak to you personally. Imo, it's the entire point of it. So anywho, I'm glad you're enjoying The Pact, and I am so happy that my tiny self has stoked the fire a little bit for your Stranger Things love. I hope you have tons of fun from here are on out!! ♡♡♡♡♡

[byemizumikahago]

UPDATE: Some of Mizumi's AO3-essay's comments + more!

I talked about Mizumi deleting the AO3 version of her 2nd anti-komahina essay, and all of the comments along with it. I still haven't found an archive of it, but that's alright, because thanks to a very helpful source (you know who you are, and thank you again SO MUCH), screenshots of some of the more important comments are still alive.

And that's not all! The very helpful source (once again, thank you so SO much) has supplied other screenshots of mizumi's interactions over the years, as well as various other miscellaneous stuff. They also provided context to each one, so I'll be using quotation marks and italicized text to quote exactly what they said.

The grooming victim's name will continue to be censored in blue, so that you can tell when it's their name being censored vs. other stuff.

So, without further ado, here are all the screenshots they provided:

These are the types of comments mizumi said she received here, and, yeah, it proves that mizumi didn't lie/fake these screenshots. I've checked both of these accounts' histories, and they both seem legit; not a sockpuppet account.

(PS: Bcuz this still needs to be stated, do NOT go and harass these people. Yes, I know some of the stuff they said isn't very great (especially the one faking DID), but the point of showing their usernames isn't to send people after them, it's to prove that they are real people, and not just alt accounts made by Mizumi. Do not take what is meant to educate as an excuse to harass people, thank you.)

The screenshots from this post, but without the AO3 account deleted, + Mizumi's dms to christy afterwards.

"This was everything I remember she sent regarding the ao3 essay. [She] Sent these around December of last year."

"She claimed to have been harassed and witch-hunted in this post. She'd told me she experienced excessive harassment (which I know now is likely untrue), and sent stuff like this to try corroborating it a lot."

"Something sent in a similar spirit"

"And here is Mizumi having her [EX] friends defend her.

That said: I don't fault the two friends in these screenshots. I truly believe they were lied to and/or threatened, as she had done to me and the reddit moderator."

(IMPORTANT: Both of these people are no longer friends with Mizumi. So don't go and harass them, they have not done anything wrong.)

"I also want to share this. The behavior I witnessed and experienced aligns with this, and I think it's so important for everyone, especially younger people, to be aware.

Based on the last post, it looks like she's still interacting with minors, even after promising not to do so again; this is very scary to me.

I think they all need to be aware of it, especially if they may not be familiar with abusive behavior. This is without getting involved of course, as this kind of thing can be dangerous for a younger person."

(OCTOBER 7/8 EDIT): "You're going to meet many people in life. Some will be lifelong friends, others will leave a lasting impact on who you are. Unfortunately, some of those people you meet will end up being predatory or abusive in some way. With the internet becoming more prominent, predators now have more access to potential victims than ever. For that, I think it is crucial that everyone, namely children, are aware of the grooming stages. https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs If this has or is currently happening to you, please let a trusted adult or loved one know. You are not to blame for what you've endured, and you shouldn't have to continue suffering. You should never have to keep a relationship of any kind secret from trustworthy loved ones, nor be afraid to set boundaries. If you're a child, please understand that it isn't acceptable for adults to behave inappropriately towards you. They should not be leaning on you for emotional support nor making you uncomfortable in any way. If you are a survivor and don't have a support system, I'll be linking some support networks below. https://helpingsurvivors.org/grooming/ https://www.rainn.org/ Here is a tip line for those in the United States https://tips.fbi.gov/home"

[a-step-in-the-infinite-finite]

Started my oc a few days ago so maybe this will help me think of things

Questions from @the-cat-and-the-birdie

Link

This is also long af so

Name:Quante Hollyberr

Personality: Mostly chill but can go from 0 to 100 real quick

Powers: smokey psychedelic powers. Also mind control

Earth: idk yet

Are they part of the society: no but they know about it and have been a few times

Canon events: accidentally killed his parents because she thought they were clones but then they came back as clones but the parents don't know they're clones

Morals: is a baby punk but believes the government should be eliminated and is an anarcho-communist

Looks: lean, muscular in like a you wouldn't expect it type way,has dreads, a few piercings

Fashion sense: changes every single day, they can't pick an aesthetic

Hobie and oc

Relationship in 10 words or less: pretty chill, platonic makeout buddies, emotional support bros

Dynamic: close friends who are emotional support and make out but it is absolutely not romantic

If someone asks "are you dating" the response is: not really

Fave way to spend time together: crafting with each other, going to protests in each other's universes, libraries, just vibin really

Platonic, romantic, sexual, secret 4th thing: Definitely secret 4th thing. Really just vibes but could also be queerplatonic

How long have they known each other: 1.5yrs

A song that embodies their vibe: I have 3. Intimate friends by Eddie kendricks. Kiss me on my neck and I'm in love with you by Erykah Badu. Not romantic still

Nicknames: hobie to q; short stack, mushroom/shroomie(bc of the shroom thing), penguin(fave animal) q to hobie; tall ass, silver(all his piercings are silver) eclipse( reminds them of one) what they both call each other; lovely, bro, dove, sweets, dude, moonlight

Sleepovers: pretty chill. Usually watches movies, doing some diy stuff, cuddles, blanket forts, blasting music (I've never been to a sleepover idk what people do)

When do they feel safest with each other: just being in each other's presence, sleeping, fighting side by side

--------------------

How'd they meet: hobie popped over because another version of doc oc showed up that wasn't from holly's dimension. They met Q tryna fight oc and it was kinda even so hobie helped zem out.

Did they like each other right away: yes

First impression: Q; omg they're so cool, I want their gender Hobie; they seem fun

-----------------------

Labels: partners. Partners in what you may ask. That's for them to know and you to guess

Do they say ily: They say I love you but both of them also say that to all of their other close friends so they mainly just show it

Do they kiss: they kiss in public bit it's like quick. They also kiss their homies so it's just like hangin w the bros

Steal kisses or make out: they make out alone but the will steal kisses

Love languages: hobie; gift giving, acts of service and physical touch quante;gift giving, words of affirmation, physical touch

Monogamous or polyamorous: both of them are polyam.

Do they have other partners: atm q doesn't but hobie does.

Marriage?: nopes it's only good for tax benefits and hobie isn't even a part of that dimension

Kids?: do plants and pets count? If human that's a future problem

Do other people know?: the rest of the spiderband, and margo do. Also holly's close friends know

Fave date spot: a pride parade

Who liked who first: holly liked hobie first

Who made the first move?: holly

Do they consider each other soulmates: kinda

Hobie and holly are on a date somewhere, someone begins aggressively flirting with hobie and being mean to Holly. What happens: Q tries to get the person to stop and if that doesn't work hobie jumps in and tells them to fuck off

------------------

Has q ever seen hobie hurt: yes. Hobie got stabbed and came to his dimension to heal since miguel doesn't really check there. Q was terrified and anxiously searched Google for what to do after the tightly wrapped bandages. It didn't do much so he convinced hobie to let him call his aunt who's a doctor. They didn't go to the hospital and hobie let her aunt do her magic

Has hobie seen Holly hurt: yes. One time Holly was fighting a clone and the clone like grabbed her arm weirdly and dislocated her shoulder but in doing that it messed up some nerves in her lower back so and she already had like random minor back pains sometimes so now hobie kinds just helps him out though that whenever it gets really bad.

Has q seen hobie cry: whenever hobie cries, there are 3 or 4 questions q always asks first. Do you wanna talk abt it, do you need space ( if no then the last question isn't asked), do you need water, do you want a hug/ to be held? They may or may not end up talking abt it later, it just depends on the situation

Has hobie seen q cry: q has like this thing with crying where he knows it's healthy to cry but also she doesn't want to be a burden and depending on the situation that she doesn't deserve to cry so hobie asks them the same questions and then they figure it out from there. Depending on what it is, most of the time q will talk abt it

Has one of them made the other cry: not like sad tears but "you are loved tears and I hope you know that"

Highest moment: holly took hobie to meet his friends so they spent a few days in oakland doing stuff like going to abandoned buildings, the curiosity shop, a pride parade, and dumpster diving at Stanford on movie out day for free stuff. Then they popped over to atlanta and went to a gay club and did some vogueing. Went to underground atlanta for a bit too

Lowest moment: whenever Holly visits her parents it's always internal conflict because she killed her parents but they don't know that so it's like "am I the bad guy, would it be better if they knew I killed them and disowned me" and it's a downward spiral from there

How do they feel abt hobie's laces: pretty chill with them. Admires that he's willing to go that far

How do they feel about hobie killing osborn: also chill with it. Wishes she had enough tenacity to kill a public figure

First kiss: like on the lips? So after a protest in hobies dimension which consisted of tickling fascists until they passed out and then literally blasting their eardrums with music, they buried the bodies in the community garden and then q asked of they could kiss hobie out of excitement

First time: they don't participate in coital activities together

Fav moment: the hangout in oakland and atl

Weirdest date/moment: they were out by the bay just walking around and feeling the birds and one pooped on holly's head but thankfully ze were wearing a headwrap because if that had gotten in zer dreads 🫣

Most angry at each other: they both have these moments where they try to handle things by themselves when they don't have to and it's like "why won't you let me help you I'm right here"

Most terrified for each other: for q when hobie got stabbed. For hobie when q got mind controlled by a device that found a frequency where their powers can be used against them. It almost made her kill himself

What incorrect quote is their vibe: it can be either one saying this.

A: I think an hour in the dryer would fix me.

B:*stops folding clothes and stares at them*

A:*leaves the room*

B: What the fuck- Don't just walk away after saying shit like that!

B:And you're wrong! A rinse in the dishwasher is what you need!

One wants to give the other a surprise what do they do: they're both ok at keeping secrets but hobie is better than holly at it. Holly tries to get information he needs first which usually consists of him asking hobie hypothetical questions a few days at a time. Hobie tries to pry for more info but isn't successful most of the time. Holly rarely suspects when hobie is surprising them but when she does have a clue she tries to get her to let him guess what it is. Hobie doesn't tell em whether or not they get it.

How do they annoy each other: quante will constantly try to jump on hobies back while walking, will poke his arm repeatedly, will ask what they're doing when it's fairly obvious. Will bite hobie randomly. She will bite back. Hobie annoys q by resting her chin on their head while they're standing, will put his full body weight on him with no warning. Will randomly tickle them. Both of them will copy what the other is saying for hours at a time

One HAS to ne sacrificed who us It and how does the other react: ok so quante (depending on the time of day) is either terrified of death or like I can't wait. It's not really the after part zer worried abt, it's the transition part from not dead to dead. They're terrified of pain (ironic considering they're a spider person) but also they don't want anyone to be sad if they died. Hobie's like I really don't want to die but I will if I have to. If hobie died, q would feel guilty because it should've been her but she would also not do anything too drastic to herself because hobie died for her so he's gonna live for him. On the other hand if q died, before their death, they'd feel guilty for the pain they're leaving everyone with and selfish that they don't have to feel that pain because she dead. If it's a quick decision I feel like q would convince himself to do it before her brain talked her out of it

Accidental baby aquisition, what's happening: aw shit there's a child now. They will take care of it with everything they have. The baby also has a great community since it has the spiderband and q's friends. Hobie and q will hide this from miguel as long as possible. It's not that miguel wouldn't love the child but miguel doesn't know a lot about q's universe and they'd like to keep it that way.

Hobie is insisting holly give them a piercing, how does that go: holly has given herself a helix piercing and a nostril piercing and it went well ish. So when hobie is adamant that hollu gives her one she's like sure why not, first time for everything. It goes pretty well and only got infected once.

---------------------

What does q think of hobies music and do they listen to punk music: q likes hobie's music and goes to his shows. He always makes sure she has earplugs so he doesn't have hearing loss by 25. Meanwhile q had those like construction headphones because they have sensitive ears. They still go to support hobie thought. Q does listen to punk music, it's kinda just jumbled in w the rest of their music taste. But it's there.

What music does q like and does hobie listen to it: q will listen to almost anything as long as it has a catchy beat. The lyrics don't matter but if they're good that's cool. She's mainly been doing an exploration of black music so there's a lot of neo soul, afrobeat, afrobeats (yes there is a difference), funk, punk, disco, hip hop, r&b, jazz, hyperpop. Hobie's chill with most of them but she vibes with the neo soul, afrobeat, punk, funk, disco, and jazz.

Does Holly make music and does he make it with hobie: holly writes songs occasionally that they never finish. But they will help hobie with some songs or will ask them for input on a song

Any exes on either side: hobie yes, holly no

Political ideology and do they agree with hobie: after learning what anarcho-communism is and how there are better solutions than the system in place, she started doing a deep dive and hobie helped him with some research. So they agree with hobie

What's something hobie and quante disagree on: hobie isn't really a big fan of organized religion amd quante is Christian so sometimes they get into disagreements about that. Of course hobie is like respectful but thay doesn't mean they agree

Do they argue and what's that like: they don't really argue over like important things but they will have little arguments about q's music taste sometimes

How do they get over disagreements: they take some time away from each other to gather their thoughts, then they come back and try to work things out

Fave personality trait about the other: holly likes hobie's confidence and how she isnt afraid to just be. Hobie likes how easily holly can adjust to whatever's going on

Least fav personality trait about the other: hobie doesn't like how q automatically tries to blend in to situations and mirror other people. It's not a conscious thing and most of the time q doesn't even realize he's doing it. Q doesn't like how stubborn hobie is.

How do they make each other laugh: holly is a really easy person to make laugh. He'll laugh at a bug falling off the wall. It takes a bit more work to make hobie laugh. One thing they'll both do it try to mimic each other's accents terribly. Holly is horrid at mimicking hobie's accent and hobie can't get the flow of an Atlanta accent

---‐---------------------------

Are they fine with pda or do they keep it private: it's mostly private but in public and around close friends they'll like lean into each other and do quick kisses

What are cuddles like for them: they will cuddle literally anywhere. The floor, check. The couch, check. A mattress in an abandoned building, check. Once cuddling starts it takes like at least an hour for either of them to consider getting up. Most of the time there's music playing but sometimes the silence of each other is enough

What are their kisses usually like and who goes for them first: at first hobie initiated them but once hobie reassured q that affection was ok she started going for them more than hobie. Most of the time it's just soft sweet kisses but there's an occasional makeout session here and there. Those are in private

Do they hold hands a lot: yes and when they can't they're always touching each other in some way

‐‐‐---------------------------------

What's a secret they keep between them: both of them like pineapple on pizza. Everyone would have a fit if they found out

What's something they know about each other: hobie knows about holly's frequent identity crisis'. They happen less often than they used to but only hobie knows the extent of them. Holly knows about hobie's self destructive tendencies and tries to help her through them.

Do they hide anything from each other: yes. They don't need or want to know everything about each other. Also, some things don't need to be talked about and surprises are cool.

Do they fear losing each other: definitely. Hobie is terrified something may happen to quante while she's fighting clones since he's not always the best at looking out for herself. Quante has emotional attachment issues so that coupled with the fact that hobie is a spider person and the society is jacked up is already enough to terrify him

Have they ever broken up or lost contact: there will be periods when one of them just dips for a bit. It's no more than a month and most of the time they warn each other before hand

Do they playfight/playargue: definitely. At this point it should be added to the list of love languages

What's something holly can do that hobie can't: holly can hide in cabinets

What's something hobie can do that holly cant: hobie can jump to touch the top of the basketball square. Without spider powers. Like the top of the back board

How big is the height difference and how do they feel about it: hobie is a foot taller than quante and he always makes a point to bring it up. Quante is kinds used to it by now since his brother has been doing the same thing ever since he was a centimeter taler than him. But whenever being short cones in handy, she never let's hobie live it down

--------------------------------

How does q show he cares about hobie: info dumping is a love language. If hobie wants to info dump about literally anything, q will try to grasp as much as ze can and add it to the little information pile of hobie stuff they have in their head. Q will also just give hobie random trinkets they find on the ground or get hobie something because it made them think of her.

Something sweet q has done for hobie: had her friend teach her how to crochet a tiny dong so he could make hobie one has also gone into one of those pits at punk concerts where people like run into each other (I forgot what the pit is called) it didn't go too horribly

Has holly ever made hobie feel sappy: so after a patrol one morning holly was meeting up with hobie and on the way there he saw a baby pigeon. It wasn't in or near a nest so she loomed around for one and when she couldn't find one she took the pigeon with her to see hobie and hobie kinda adopted the pigeon and now he has a lil pigeon child. The adoption date of the pigeon is also the same as the day yall met. Hobie doesn't really keep track because multiverse time is weird and also time is a construct (does this count as sappy? I kinda forgot what it meant and can't look it up because I'm on a plane)

Does Q keep anything of hobie's around: anything hobie gives her, she keeps. Anything that reminded them of hobie they keep. Occasionally steals hobies clothes because it will be waaaay too big. Q is a hoarder, hobie amplifies this

How does hobie make quante feel: in summary, akskjejsjsjsudjshshshshdhjsjdjd. In detail hobie makes them feel safe and seen. They feel like they can just exist and not have to worry about anything. Being with hobie is freeing and calming and exhilarating

Does q have any feelings about hobie that they don't tell them about: hobie gives q an immense amount of gender envy and he constantly wants to steal his gender

How does hobie feel about q: hobie feels that q is a breath of fresh air. They aren't worried (too much) about the society around them so it's also freeing for hobie in a way. Hobie feels that the vibes are chill and there's no pressure to do anything the other doesn't want to do. It's chill, it's refreshing, it's nice

Why do the 2 of them make a good pair: both of them are similar in someway but I think their differences balance each other put and they each bring new perspectives

How do they make each other better people: hobie makes quante a better person by encouraging them to be themself regardless of what's happening around them. Quante makes hobie a better person by making sure he gets a freaking break. She has to remind them that rest is necessary and the world needs a not worn out hobie brown.

The plane just landed and this is very long lol so here are some pretty pics

Have a great day yall

[sapphos-corner]

As the Seasons Pass ch. 2 "Early August" ☆ A Sapphic fiction story

Synopsis: I'm gonna stop including the synopsis because the story is farther along now. If you're just now joining, check out one of the previous chapters linked in my pinned post:)

Contains: Character lore, confessions, emotional support, general bonding.

Warnings: Although there isn't smut in this chapter, this story as a whole is not intended for minors. If you're not 18+ please don't interact with this :))

Word count: 2K

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What about this one?" Val picks up the mini porcelain tea pot up with one hand and gestures to it with the other.

"My mom got that for me actually! It must've been, like, a year ago now."

"That's cool, how often do you get to visit with your mom?"

"Maybe once a year, she's kind of a mess though so i try to avoid it at this point."

"My mom's kind of like that too. What kind of mess is your mom? We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, though." She walks over to the bed and takes a seat. She's sitting criss-crossed in front of me, she rests her chin in her hands and cups her cheeks. Her eyes take ownership of the lighting, recycling it into tiny indigo stars. She's a really pretty person, her expressions have a quality i can only describe as angelic. She's such a refreshing friend to be around.

"She's just a really bad decision maker. How about yours?"

"Same type of thing. She hasn't been herself for a long time now and I think I've mostly adapted to it but sometimes I do still struggle with the difference between how she was and who she's become. I don't know, but we still talk pretty often. Does your mom live close by?"

"No, she's in-state but it's a five hour drive. Nothing too crazy, but yeah she's not close close. Have you thought about cutting contact with your mom? Or is that something that's out of the question for you?"

"I haven't really thought about it, to be honest. What about you?"

"Yeah, but I don't know if I really will. Minimal contact is... fulfilling enough I guess. It's just irritating. She begs me to talk to her more and see her more, but when I do she won't talk to me. Last time I saw her, we hung out for six hours after not seeing each other for over a year, right? She didn't even ask me how I've been. She didn't start one conversation with me and she treated me like I was a gnat for even attempting to talk to her. She doesn't even like me she just likes the idea of being a mom that likes her daughter. And that's lame. Then, before I leave, she starts crying and begging me to forgive her, and she always does that, she always bitches and moans about how her fuck ups have made her life so hard. How difficult it's been for her, she's never apologized because she's actually sorry. She just wants my hollow forgiveness to fit with her hollow apology so she can feel better about absolutely fucking me over but yeah I don't know I'm lowkey just blabbing at this point but yeah."

Her eyebrows furrow as she purses her lips together. Her eyes are glued downwards and she's nodding her head slowly. She places her hand over mine and looks up.

"Your mom sounds like...the worst. I don't know what she did but if this is how she's handling it, that tells me everything I need to know. You deserve a lot better, and I think the space you've made for yourself is really cool and I'm really happy to be in it. Obviously it's your mom, so I can't imagine it's been easy for you to move past it, but you haven't let it stop you from becoming who you are and that's really admirable. So yeah, sorry,, I don't really know what to say but I really appreciate you sharing that with me. You can always talk to me about stuff like that."

"Smoke break?"

"Sounds good."

I lean over towards my nightstand drawer to retrieve the supplies. I grab my speaker and hand it to Valerie.

"Play your current favorites."

Her dimples appear and she grabs the speaker.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"This is a good route." I say, gesturing to the left. Val follows behind me as we turn and walk down the trail. It doesn't take long for the trees to close in on us. The sun is setting, yet rays of sun find their way through the branches and leaves from above. Lavender cirrocumulus clouds decorate the sky above. They move from each other subtly, you'd only notice if you were really looking.

"Why do you always walk with your head down?"

"I dunno, I like to count my steps I guess. But not really count them. Does that make sense? I just keep counting from one to eight in a loop."

"Why only to eight?"

"It's even and doesn't feel as excessive as counting to ten."

I nod my head. "Valid."

I reach into my bag and pull out the altoids tin that I've carried around since my freshman year of high school. I pop the lid and retrieve the preroll.

"Fuck. Val, do you have a lighter?"

"Always." She scoops it from her pocket and hands it over to me.

"Do you wanna light it?" She nods her head in response and pinches the filter of the joint.

Her dimples expose themselves when she puffs. She exhales the smoke from the side of her mouth.

"Tried my best to get it even." She says as she hands it to me. As I reach to take it, I catch her eyes shift down and back up. She rolls her lips and her cheeks develop a pinkish tint.

The wind blows the smoke towards me as I hit it and my eyes start burning. I reach out to hand her the joint, rubbing my eyes after she takes it.

I recover and open my eyes to be met with her smiling softly. Her eyes fixed on me.

"You okay?" She passes again.

"Yeah," Inhale. "This is kind of, well no not kind of, this is extremely stupid, but can I ask you a question?" Pass.

Grab. "Of course you can" Inhale. Pass. Exhale.

Grab. Inhale. Exhale. "So like, just out of curiosity or whatever, like it's not a big deal or anything." Inhale. Pass. Exhale. "But, like, have you picked up on any, like, vibes between Sabrina and I after, like, seeing us together and stuff?"

Exhale. Pass. Her head jerks backwards. "What kind of vibes?" Her eyebrows are practically pressed together.

Exhale. Pass. "Like, the homosexual kind?"

Cough. Recover. Pass. "Sabrina? Your best friend, Sabrina? Sabrina with the boyfriend?"

"No no I'm good, you can finish it. But unfortunately, yeah, Sabrina my best friend with the boyfriend. I don't know, Sometimes it just seems like more but I don't know if I'm like, crazy or something, you know? So I was just wondering if you'd noticed anything like that."

"Honestly, I don't really pay attention to Sabrina. She seems pretty wrapped up in...whatever it is that she has going on. I guess. I don't think I've really seen y'all interact. This is definitely a stupid question, but do you, like, uh, want there to be the uh, homosexual vibes?"

"Unfortunately, yes." My face feels hot and my feet feel like they're sinking into the ground.

Her mouth does this odd combination of turning upwards and flattening out. "That is so cute. You would make a good couple. What is she even doing with Joel if she has you?"

"I KNOW RIGHT?!? It's insane to me he's such a loser."

"Yeah, he uh, he sucks pretty bad. She should, like, dump him and be with you or something ha. Lowkey it's kinda hot though, do you wanna head back to yours?"

"I knowwwwww, it's super lame. But yeah we can definitely head back, it's getting dark anyways. Oh yeah, you brought your camera, right? We should take a picture."

The corners of her mouth turn upwards and she pushes hand into her tote bag.

"Okay okay, first let me get one of you on the log."

"This log?"

"No Genie, the log on the other side of the trail. Yes that log. Silly goose."

"I am not the goose of this duo. That's your title."

"Pfff. Stop stalling the picture."

"Okokok"

"Okay, let's do a silly one and a serious one."

**

"Okokok, now one of both of us." I hop up from my seat and walk over. She turns the camera around.

"Do you wanna click it? Or trade sides? It's gonna look kind of awkward with my arm separating us."

"Truuee. I can click it!" Our fingers brush lightly as she hands it over. She moves closer and puts her arm around my shoulders. She pulls me a little closer and I wrap my arm around her waist. Platonically, of course. I look over to see her facing away from me.

"Okay okay, are you ready?" "Yeah."

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you hungry?"

"Kind of, yeah. I have cotton mouth too. Feeling so tormented right now."

"I'll get you some water, or do you want juice? We have some SunnyD right now." She nods her head and I walk over to the fridge.

"What are you hungry for?"

"What do you have?"

"That is. An outstanding question. I am not sure. There's some bacon in here, I know we have potatoes too. Are you into potato soup? Cause I feel like potato soup would be really.....important for my psyche right now..."

"Potato soup would cure me of all ailments. Yes." She grabs the cup from my hand and drinks the entire thing with no pause.

"Wow. You needed that."

I grab the potatoes and start prepping for the soup.

"What can I help you with?"

"Ohemgee Valerie, don't even worry about it. Just relax. You could bring out my laptop and find something for us to watch if you want."

"On it. Let me know if there's anything else."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"You wanna chop the scallions?"

She perks up and hurries to the counter. "Absolutely."

She breezes through the stock like she's Gordon Ramsay or something.

"Jesus Christ, how'd you reach that level of skill? Like what?"

"Cooking is actually, like, my main thing. I was actually considering going to culinary school when I graduated high school."

"Really? Why didn't you? How long have you been cooking? Who taught you how to cook? I need the entire story, actually."

"Typical backstory, Grandma taught me, I kept doing it because it reminds me of her. The first thing she taught me to make was tomato soup. I think that was when I was twelve-ish. I decided not to go to culinary school because I don't want cooking to end up feeling like a job. That's just not how I want my relationship with it to evolve."

"What's your favorite thing to make?"

"Tomato soup. Honestly soup in general, I think that's my favorite food."

"Duuude. I'm so sorry I bogarted the process, I didn't know this was like, your thing."

"Oh my gosh, no, not at all. I enjoy cooking, but it's also really sweet when someone cooks for you. I enjoy that just as much. I really appreciate that you, like, did pretty much everything. Can I hug you?"

I put my arms out and she pulls me in to a big bear hug. The woody-vanilla scent present.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This is really good. Next time I have to make you something. And then we can just take turns. What are your favorite foods?"

"That would be so cool, I'm also pretty pro-soup. I don't think I have a favorite. I'm not big on broccoli cheddar, though."

"Bet. Soup girls. Soup season. Kind of off topic, but are you taking any classes this semester?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna take a couple art classes at CC. What are you taking? Also, I've never seen you on campus, do you go to CC too, or are you in a University?"

"Oh, we go to the same school actually, I saw you around a couple times. I'm majoring in Anthropology."

"What? That's dope, dude. We have to start meeting for lunch together or something."

[pathfinders-rp]

Before having met Babe, Xuan didn't really give much thought to his future. Everything came and went by like the tides of the sea, too uncertain and inconsistent to actually be worth investing it. Living life as a peon, a simple piece in his father's big game and plans made it so Xuan had grown to fear attachments and emotional bonds on deeper levels, because he couldn't know if he or the other person will live to see another day. The pain of loss was the kind of trauma that left its deep marks onto his heart and soul, and that's why Xuan had never ever entertained the thought of settling down or having kids one day, because things had been so erratic and inconsequent in the raven haired man's life until he met Babe. But now, now that he had the race driver by his side, a constant and pillar of support he could count on, Xuan could finally start to think about the future and actually build plans for himself, hope for things he couldn't have hoped for before and it was all thanks to Babe. "Hmmm..." Xuan hummed softly, enjoying the little massage applied onto his sides by Babe's gentle wonders making hands. How many children... That was a question that could serve as food for thought... "It's true that I haven't really thought much about it before and probably that's why I never appeared as the father figure potential type, but I do like the idea of us having children one day. Maybe one or two... Or maybe even three? I am not sure, I guess as many as we'd be blessed with and as many as you'd like for us to have, my love.~" Xuan nuzzled Babe's nose with his own. "Truth be told, in the past I was thinking to one day take on my auntie's role of helping with the raising of the orphans in the orphanage funded by my father, since I myself had been part of them when I was a little kid. It would've been like a way to repay the help and support I got back then by doing the same thing for those children, help them create a future, the same way I've been give the chance to. So I guess you could say that I am not opposed to the idea of raising kids, even more so now that the kids in question would be ours." He pecked Babe's lips and began caressing his back in a gentle manner. "But since conceiving a baby isn't a one man job and implies teamwork, it's important to know if you want this as well. I don't want you to feel forced into having a number of kids with me because I want so. So, would you like to have my babies, baby Babe? And if yes, how many would you like to have?~" The question was gentle and kind, showing that Xuan was willing to follow Babe's wishes first and foremost and accept them no matter what the answer would have been.

Babe didn't expect to be asked in return, so when Xuan turned the question around to ask him what he would like, he fell silent and thought carefully about it. He started imagining a life with Xuan at first, which wasn't a foreign thought; he had imagined that a few times before, always a beautiful image in his mind, though never exactly the same, as it always changed slightly based on what had happened to the two of them or what they had been talking about lately. He leaned in to cuddle close to Xuan, and closed his eyes, as his mind slowly started adding children to the equation. One, first, just to get familiar with the idea. He imagined a baby in their arms, Xuan smiling down at them, and Babe ignored the flick of jealousy he felt for a split second. He saw the two of them watching the baby sleep, smiling proudly, seeing their first steps, hearing the first words, watching them grow up. It was beautiful, and Babe smiled against Xuan's neck as he pressed close. Then he imagined two kids, playing together, sharing their snacks, him and Xuan carrying one child each, and sharing a kiss while the tired children slept on their shoulders after a day outdoors. Then three... and that's where his mind spiraled. He saw fights, children crying, Xuan slamming a door, storming off, himself picking clothes to hide his body instead of show it off, he saw stress, tears and pain, and he opened his eyes to stop it, to get rid of the images, and clung to Xuan like he would storm off right now if Babe didn't hold him tight enough. So that was the result of the equation: he either says no to kids, which will slowly toxicate and ruin their relationship; or he says yes, ruins his body, which makes Xuan fall out of love, causes fights and eventually ends their relationship all the same. Babe pulled back just slightly, looking up at Xuan with fear and pain and sadness in his eyes. "Xu..." His voice was quiet, weak, barely audible. "I will lose you either way, won't I?"

[mochikeiji]

Unzip

Request: "For your event can I have my bby, Inumaki Toge (sorry for being so predictable) and prompts 50 and 6 🥺👉👈"

50. "Oh, sorry. You were so cute I had to kiss you"

6. "No, don't cover your smile"

↠ Pairing: Inumaki Toge x F!Reader

↠ Warning: mini make out session in the end, mostly fluffy soft times, italicized fonts are Inumaki's lines through texts

↬ Word Count: 1.3k

↳ from Go! Go! Gogatsu Event

As much as you find the certain white haired but quiet ball of sunshine, there was one thing that sometimes bothered you. It wasn't major— Inumaki was alright as he is now. If not, perfect you would say. The only thing you don't comprehend is that he kept wearing that long sleeved, collar that reached his mouth. Even you find your annoying teacher was wearing the same thing as your boyfriend after yelling hysterically how he's found his long lost twin while poor Inumaki was dragged out of the blue.

You get it's for hiding the tattoos on the corners of his lips. Maybe there was more to it, but Inumaki wrote it on a paper; a way of communicating, that it wasn't at all that sacred or anything to hide. He just grew fond of hiding his mouth for a long period of time. Though he admits it does kind of make him insecure of the times people saw him in person while walking down the streets with a normal attire. All you could ever have in order to read his emotions were his eyes. There were moments you'd catch a peek of his full features during missions. But it hasn't even reached a minute or so he's already hidden himself like a turtle.

Staring longer at him while laying down on bed bored, it dawned to you how you've never caught on what he'd look like if he smiles underneath that suit he wore. This made you tempted to zip down the little zipper in display, but you know better than to pry in his comfort zone. But oh, can you imagine, just a cute kitten like smile. Or even a pout when he's clinging onto your waist during mornings for more over time cuddles. You needed to see that.

"Hey, Toge."

Fingers tugging down the hem of his suit, Inumaki's attention drifts off of his phone from what Yuta was sending and peered at you, "Shake?" he starts, fiddling with your fingers with his. He does this a lot even in public, so intrigued at how much it has an affect to make his insides all giddy and warm from the playful gesture.

"Can I please see you?"

He snorts a little as he types something on his phone. Lucky you, yours happened to be right next to you. The screen lightening, pinging a notification coming from him,

You already are, you dummy.

Inumaki chuckles a bit when he earned himself a pout and a huff from you. Pinching your cheeks gently in a way of saying sorry and waits for you to explain, "I mean, I want to see you. You know," widening your palm a bit, facing it near your own mouth and began waving up and down at him. "Without the thingy in the way."

He messages again,

Thingy? Really? Aren't you cute.

Sitting up from your position, you waddled closer to his body. Inumaki shifts himself to sit comfortably at the edge of the bed for you to settle yourself on his lap. His hands roamed for a good seconds behind your back, occasionally trying to be sneaky once he's reached a bit lower, but settles nonetheless on your hips.

"I wanna see you smile." while playing with the dangling zipper, "I've never really seen you take this off whenever we're together. Don't get me wrong! It's not ugly! I just, you know."

It startled you when he coos quietly. Squinting his eyes and booping your nose softly. If you weren't mistaken, did he just wiggled himself? He resumes to typing once again something quickly and flashes his screen towards you.

You're just precious.

But I'm not gonna do it.

Kind of bummed from what he said. Then again worried you may have been pushing him on, but then you see his index scroll up from his notepad to reveal the other, large bolded text underneath his last reply,

You do it for me.

"Are you sure? I don't mean to sound pushy."

He types again,

You're not. It's nice to hear that someone can't resist my charms.

Gasping dramatically, you slapped his chest with the back of your hand softly. His shoulders jolting from stifled laughter before grabbing your wrist up to the zipper. It was stupid to have your breath held in. What can you say, it was anticipating really. Giving you a firm nod that it was very much okay for him, you slowly zipped down the collar to unravel half of his face. Your smile was wobbly from failing to hide the embarrassment, more now because he kept arching his brows as if he was teasing you.

When it came to a stop at his chest, your hand automatically reaches out for his jaw. Thumb tracing over the swirly marks now that it was up close and woah, do you want to know if he uses some kind of lip balm or lip gloss. They were so pretty! Probably near as the blubbering blindfolded male.

If you could only see yourself so dazed at him, like any other guy, the corners of his lips rose a tiny bit from all the attention he was gaining from you. He could feel his naked soul burn from the sparkles of admiration through your eyes as you stared at him agape, "You're really handsome."

And like any other guy, to be called handsome hasn't occurred in his book until now. Of course, it's a bit more different if someone you love says it, right? Suddenly feeling quite hot underneath your gaze and comment, his fingers threaded through his bangs to push away from his sweaty forehead. Looking away when he feels the blood in his face circulate to paint his cheeks.

No different than he is, you quickly slapped a palm on your mouth, "I-I mean, you're always handsome! It's just, wow." unable to keep your eyes out of his face, so close you could count the lashes on his eyes, "You're wow. Like, wow. You're with me?"

Couldn't you stop already? It's not often he gets someone praising him. It's always Maki and Yuta that gets the spotlight, occasionally Panda if he's down in the dumps. But couldn't you tell by the way he's suddenly the one who's nervous because of you? It felt too good to hear, he had to gulp down the butterflies that were prying his lips into a large grin. Boy, does he want to hide himself as he lowered his hand from holding his bangs up to cup his mouth. Upon witnessing that, you shake your head with a smile,

"No, don't cover your smile." pinning his hand down, planted on his sides as you leaned closer, "I love your smile."

Nothing but pure sincerity came out from you. What choice does he have to deny you when the reason why he can't even contain himself from smiling was because of you? Shyly tapping on his revealed chest random patterns and scanning each part your eyes could reach, he takes advantage of the closeness you two shared just by the lips. Squeaking between the kisses, his arms circles to your middle to pull you in deeper, your hands acting as a support that held onto his shoulders. Unlike the quick pecks that go by in a flash, he savors this one the most knowing he's got nothing to hide from anything or anyone. No one would've guessed he'd kiss as if it was full of raw, hungry emotions.

Even when you pull away to breathe, he still sneaks more littered kisses on your lips until he was satisfied witha goofy smile on his flushed face. Fumbling to grab his phone open for the prepared text he's put in earlier and pushing it between your faces, "Oh, sorry. You were so cute I had to kiss you."

"You planned this from the start didn't you, you jerk." scoffing playfully to mask your own lovey dovey state from floating to the clouds. He shows you another text briefly before throwing his phone out of the way, resuming back to business in a more intimate position feeling himself become in much need.

© all content belongs to mochikeiji. Please do not repost or copy, ありがとうございました!! (=^･^=)

Take less, more kisses, cutie.

[astraskylark]

Can we talk about Weiss in V8 chapter 13? Can we talk about how amazing she was in that episode despite all the batshit crazy insane shit happening around? Like it starts out with a full on Team RWBY Vs Cinder battle royale.

Weiss is literally never still even for a second here. She's clearly learned from Volume 5 that staying still in battle for a fighter with her attack type is a bad decision so she's constantly moving over here appearing on all sides in a matter of seconds while keeping the movements of her teammates in mind as well.

She's literally mid fight here half through zooming across the battlefield after an attack and she's already setting up a glyph to boost Blake up so she can attack Cinder keeping the momentum of the fight going in the split second she needs to move across.

Weiss's fighting style often leans to support and a series of attacks rather than one heavy blow. And support is probably the most complicated role to play in a fight.

It's all about insane mid battle calculation. She has to keep track of her team's movements to perfectly time her glyphs (also deciding what type of glyph based how her teammates are moving and their surroundings) and HOW EXHAUSTING IS THAT??? Because she not only has to keep track of the opponent's movement but she's also keeping her eye on three other people who are in continuing motion looking for any gap she can offer support in??? While constantly moving on the field and launching her own attacks in tandem with the others???

The minute Ruby is falling back Weiss is already pelting ice picks at Cinder. And okay mad props to Cinder because this entire attack sequences from RWBY was hardcore and Cinder managed to dodge it all. And back to Weiss.

So we have this insane battle where everyone is mentally exhausted and then we have Neo attacking Ruby and Yang falling into the void. And I've seen a lot of people shitting on how Ruby and Weiss didn't react fast enough and let me just say they acted exactly how you'd expect them too.

I don't have the pic here cause Tumblr has a limit but if you remember the split screen showing Ruby,Weiss, Blake and Neo we can all see Blake already starts moving. Ruby starts getting attacked by a feral Neo a second later and has no time to even process any event(a running theme this volume Rubes your breakdown is coming).

Now here Weiss starts moving a literal second later. And now remember this is Weiss, master of mid fight distance calculation.

The minute Weiss turned and saw Blake she knew. She knew that judging from how fast Yang fell of the ledge and how fast Blake moved the only person who had a sliver of a chance of saving Yang was Blake. She knew she would be a second late if she tried. She knew that summoning a glyph in the event of Blake missing would be no use because she's done the math in that heated second of fear and anguish and knows that she will be too late.

Which is why Weiss Schnee master of logic and cool headedness in the battle field and emotional wellbeing off the battlefield knew what would happen a second later. She knows Yang. Weiss was the first person we've ever seen Yang be vulnerable around. And I bet the reason Weiss was so sure Blake would find her way back to them is because Weiss and Blake are alot more similar than you think. So Weiss knows. She knows the Blake Belladona would not hesitate for a second to jump into the literal unknown for Yang.

She would too. But they're in the middle of battle and Ruby is being attacked and thousands of Atlas and Mantle citizens are in the middle of a space that shouldn't exist and she knows despite how she wants too she cannot jump. And she cannot let Blake jump either because she cannot and will not lose another member of her family today. And she immediately pulls Blake literally dragging her from the surface(and this is no easy feat because we know how crazy swol Blake is and adding that with mad grief Blake is basically the strongest most impulsive person in that space right now) and you can see from that single frame that Weiss herself is so close to tears but she has to hold it together for Blake. For Yang. For Ruby.

And once Blake takes off in a rage she knows that Cinder is left with no one to fight her. And Weiss (who is probably a little traumatised after having been stabbed and almost dying because of her) she immediately faces Cinder and Weiss is frantically dodging because remember Cinder was able to take on all four of them with barely a scratch and now Weiss is facing her alone.

And I also love this because it seems like Weiss is just zig zagging her way in a frenzy but she's trying to make herself really difficult to target here. You know how they say to run zig zag when your being chased by an animal right? That's what she's doing here. She's stays in a position for just enough time for Cinder to shoot her fire and then immediately takes off in a tangent making cinder have to spend a split second trying to reorient her attack cause all her attacks shoot in a straight direction.

I included this picture because she looks so fucking cool here. She literally fights fire with FIRE and I love her stance and pose and if you've actually read this far you can kinda guess I love everything about her.

And now we see her skating up. Because she knows the advantage and how being in a higher position can help. She needs to get to higher ground. And I'd like to highlight that Weiss only takes this pathway cause at that moment it is completely empty. She assumed that people had already finished evacuating from there which is why she chose that place. But it turned out that particular door was one for Atlas and Atleasians were alot more hesitant to use the gates than people from Mantle which is why there are people still there(this might also have been a convenient plot narrative to make Jaune aware that Cinder was here, who knows we shall see)

She uses her gravity glyph to try and hinder the airborne higher ground advantage that Cinder has. And it works. Cinder is momentarily focussed on Weiss allowing Penny to regain her stance and figure out her weapon situation.

And then an Atleasian steps out and Weiss realises in a matter of milliseconds that shit she has to protect them.

And if you notice Cinder is imitating Weiss's attack here. Weiss attacked Cinder with the same Ice pick move 5 minutes ago. And Weiss has to protect herself and the now emerging Atlas citizens. And I love how it's shown that she doesn't have the time to fully summon her Knight so only summons the arm and blade and protects everyone from actually getting hurt. Also I don't know if this the first time we've seen the summoning glyph for the knight in this angle but it is absolutely gorgeous and I really want to see what the Nevermore one looks like.

And I ran out pictures but Cinder literally tosses Weiss over the edge and the only thing stopping Weiss from certain fall in the void is her own gravity glyph which she is maintaining after all of the stuff I mentioned before.

I mean we know that Weiss has the lowest stamina of the team and the role that takes up the most energy. And she's still standing and she still going to fight in the next episode.

I just-- GODS Weiss Schnee is an absolute legend and possibly the best ally to have on the battlefield. She's is a super skilled ,level headed and versatile fighter whose constant presence and observations in the battlefield are such an asset and I wouldn't be far off in saying that she's probably the smartest fighter after Ruby and there's a reason they're partners because for every wacky absolute bonkers plan Ruby has, Weiss will be there to build the foundation to launch off from. And I cannot wait to see her learn and grow even more.

[beetsandskzreads]

silent bright summer night

bang chan x gn!reader, y/n works with skz and became their friend (the ultimate dream haha)

genre: tooth-rotening fluff, slight angst with a happy ending

notes/warnings: nothing intense, this is very fluffy, there's brief mentions of cheating, long distance, y/n's exes, fear of abandonment, slight insecurities, deep talks, reader and chan are slightly wine drunk, y/n and chan are whipped, y/n makes it explicit they want to date someone very warm and caring (aka chan), i don't think that's a warning tho djsjs just saying

scenario: on a balcony, at a beach apartment on a summer night of vacation, y/n opens up to chan about their past and current lovers. what y/n doesn't know is why chan is so interested listening to it.

It was 1:01 am when chan and I found ourselves in the balcony that overlooked the city and it's bright lights on a summer night. Skz had gone to sleep right after all of us came back from a night out of lots of fun, buying stuff on stores by the beach, having ice cream, seeing the view of the city lights reflecting on the sea water, appreciating street artists...

The two of us had been talking the whole evening, we hung out as a group but mostly just spoke to each other and laughed at the members jokes, both of us having a sparkle in our eye every time we saw the group happy. There was this unspoken pleasantness, a bliss, calmness in the air but with a lot of excitement. Chan was so happy to be around the sea with "the kids" as he refers to them and being at the beach almost 24/7 this week, it was like his natural habitat, his home, a comfort place. It left you feeling even softer for him, and as you shared your love for the sea, your feelings were at a peak. You liked Chan, and you loved this place as much as he did.

The night was so great, everyone was out like a lightweight as soon as we arrived to the vacation apartment we're in. Chan and I were testing the theory that a glass of wine would help us get drowsy and help us fall asleep as well, since we both have trouble falling asleep and felt nothing but a remaining excitement from the night out. It came to me especially because of the enthusiasm of talking to him, we were connecting so well, I didn't want this to ever end.

And so we drank (one glass quickly becoming the whole bottle) and we talked for what felt like hours on end, that neither of us wanted to cease.

- My ex best friend, she never quite knew how to choose guys, she always went for the ones that would never turn her way, the ones who obviously wouldn't care about her, not because of her, but because they were really careless guys, walking red flags. - I told him, I couldn't remember where exactly the conversation started but we were talking about nice people picking shitty people to date.

- What about you? - he asked

- Me? I barely even like guys, I mean I do, but I'm really picky actually, I don't allow myself to fall for cold people, I wouldn't forgive myself if I took interest in someone rude, I try so hard to take care of myself so I either stay alone that way or I find someone who makes me feel better, who knows how to take care of me, after all we chase happiness, I think a caring person could do that, someone gentle who isn't scared of emotions or who at least is open to face that fear with me by their side.

- I get it, it's hard to get by if you don't have emotional support, a partner should be able to provide that support, yeah. Did you ever... find someone like that?

- Yeah, in the past I did and even now I do know someone more than ideal... I guess my ex partners when I was young were going through a soft phase tho... I guess everyone has an emotional limit they were scared to cross... once I found that barrier the relationship stoped evolving, reached a dead end and so there was nothing left for me anymore and I left, plus, you know, cheating, long distance, a bunch of stuff really... it wasn't meant to be and I'm okay with that.

- What about that someone right now?

Silence ruled for about 3 seconds before I knew what to say. That someone right now is him. Ever since I've known him feels like he's the only man ever, but I don't think I'd tell him that, not soon anyways.

- What about 'em?

- What's that person like? What makes you trust they're any different from your exes?

- Sometimes I fear they're not, but I set the bar really high and I reset it constantly, to make sure I'm seeing it right, sometimes they seem so perfect to me that I wonder what good have i done in my past life to deserve to be around such a bright person. Of course they make mistakes too, but even the way they deal with them is so... mature, it's so easy to just solve things communicating, it's insane to me. Then I remember it's probably because they're eventually gonna leave me too, or just not reciprocate my feelings and after they break my heart I'll probably loose all hope in love, be heart broken for two years until I decide I'm gonna focus on myself again... it's a cycle after heartbreak, but with this person I'm really scared, because they mean more. I'm way too deep in before I've even expressed my feelings, it's gonna be devastating. - I'm rambling, the wine made me do it.

- What makes you think they wouldn't like you back tho?

- I'm not sure I just... it would be too good to be true and it's complicated... he's amazing and I'm just not sure if he'd be into me, I mean, I think I'm lovable and I think I'd be a great lover, I just don't know if I'm his type or if he'd consider me. We have a bit of an age gap, I'm not someone who's typically pretty or specially good looking, I have my charms but I have no idea if that's enough for him to be in love. It's complicated with each others work too... - I notice chan's gaze on me, he has his head leaned on his hand on the table and he's looking at me with bright eyes, eyes that look tired and a little drunk but somehow, he manages to look at me in a way that makes me feel adored, I don't know why you have to make me feel so much love, Bang Chan - Why are you looking at me like that?

- You have no idea how other people perceive you, do you? - he ignored your question, probably because of his drunk-ish drowsy state - Everyone I know likes you, see, you're a naturally kind and caring person, you're attentive to people's needs, you make sure everyone feels comfortable around you... that's so appreciated by everyone. I think you're exceptional y/n, you have this charismatic way of existing, a refreshing and comfy presence everyone can feel, but to me... it feels like home. You feel like home y/n. So... I have no idea who that person is but I sure as hell know they'd be more than lucky to have you as a partner and they're definitely dumb if they let you go.

- Are you dumb? - my heart's pounding quicker as I'm about to do something I didn't plan on doing ever.

- Huh? No, why w-

- Because that person is you... I like you, Chan. In a more-than-friends way - I interrupt him quickly before I lose my newly found courage.

Chan could've sworn his heart stopped for a few seconds. Suddenly sobriety hit him like a truck. It was the alcohol that made you say that, he thought, but he wished it was true and you didn't drink enough to be lying about this kind of stuff, you had a full on conversation and you seemed pretty sober.

- Y-y/n are you sober? - he tries to navigate through the situation.

- Oh my... yeah I am, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, it just rolled out of my tongue. I'm sorry... - you said as you panicked and tried to go back inside, regret filling up all your organs.

"I messed up" your brain keeps repeating as desperation starts entering your body, until Chan grabbed your hand, stopping you from leaving.

- Wait! You don't need to apologize, I'm glad you told me... You didn't think I'd say all that about you if I didn't like you as well, did you? - he asks suggestively.

- I don't know - you blush as you realize what he's getting at - You're just so nice to everyone, I didn't make a big deal out of it.

- Well, you should've made it a big deal, the biggest deal actually because I've been trying really hard to show you how I feel these past few days and you were so clueless I thought you were purposefully ignoring the signs because you didn't like me back.

- I'm sorry Channie, I just didn't want to assume stuff and get heartbroken if it wasn't true.

-Well it is true, so you don't need to worry anymore. I really like you too, y/n. And I've wanted to say it for a while too, I was just wondering if it was a good idea since you work with us, but I can't contain my feelings anyways... you always treat me so softly and you look after the kids really well... It just feels like you were made to be by my side, you're the embodiment of the person I've always dreamed to be with, and these past few days with the kids and you... it just felt like we were the perfect family you know? I don't think I could be without you by my side anymore... - he stops, he's been staring at your eyes the whole time and now they're starting to water.

How could you not cry when he's saying the things you thought you'd only ever hear in dreams?

- Why are you crying sweetheart? - he whispered, as he wipes a tear with his thumb, the other hand holding your hand as he stands closer every second.

- It's just... I'm so... happy - you smile through your tears - I'm so happy to hear that, you said it in such a beautiful way too... I feel exactly the same, it's like I've gained a family with you guys but you... I've grown really attached to you, feels like some parts of you are tangled in my heart in ways I couldn't tear apart if I wanted to... I'm drawn to you and when I'm with you it's comfortable, blissful, it's right. You're so good to me, it's unbelievable, but it's true, and it warms my heart. - you say as your foreheads touch and your smile grows, his eyes showing so much adoration for you, you could melt.

Suddenly you share your first kiss together, a soft yet passionate mix of sensations, and it felt like everything you ever felt around Chan but better.

You stare into each other's eyes, smiling like the little lovely goofballs you both were, noses touching, ocasional little pecks filled with giggles because you were whipped for each other.

- So this means we're exclusive lovers now, yeah? - he asks with a blushing face, a very silent giggle and a huge, uncontrollable smile.

- Definitely, yeah - you answer biting your lip until eventually you let out the largest smile you ever had.

Needless to say, you didn't leave that balcony to go to sleep that evening. In fact, you two watched the sunrise kissing and cuddling, talking about the feelings you had for each other, when they started, why you liked each other, covered by a blanket, not wanting to let go of each other now that you were openly romantic.

Han found you both sound asleep, you on chan's lap, head on his neck as his arms wrapped around you gently, on a chair in the middle of the morning. He obviously called all the members to watch you two as they assumed you two finally got together. All of them saw it coming, Chan wouldn't shut up about you and had written what could be an entire album about you.

They were happy at least you'd be around more often to cook your delicious food. And you both blushed really hard once you woke up to lot's of teasing from the kids, it was fine tho, you liked it just like this, it was home.