#been 2 fucking years but im still dealing with the trauma

[terramassakin]

Ugggghhhh...

[n3on-graveston3s-calling]

This time last year I was getting 12 stitches taken out of my face.

No wonder why I've been feeling weird.

[mimez-meme]

Defending hizashi chapter 420 (spoilers!)

(Please bear with me I’m not exactly amazing with my words or explaining but I tried, some of the points in here would have been mentioned before/talked about before)

Look im not saying what happened in chapter 420 didn’t annoy me a bit, like i was a bit angry at hizashi. But you gotta remember he has reasons for why he acted that way and it isn’t necessarily his fault? Idk

This man has been bottling up all his emotions for 15 years or more. Taking aizawa’s life way more serious then his, he wants to be aizawa’s protecter and make sure he finds happiness. He would do anything to make sure he gets that. (He also doesn’t view himself as a person he views himself as a third person if that makes sense) His reactions in 420 is a good example of what bottling up emotions can do to you, it can make you loose control when faced with those emotions, which is basically what happened.

Present mic CANNOT cope or deal with his emotions, half the time I doubt he knows how he actually feels He uses aizawa as a way to distract himself from the grief and his emotions, as he understands shota’s, and when aizawa is around he focus’s on him, not himself. When it’s just him, he will do anything to take his mind off his feelings by overworking, drinking ect. Now along with bottling up all his emotions he’s buried oboro, well not fully. He clearly isn’t over him but he’s trying to be for aizawa. He’s trying to get over his trauma. Because he’s built up all these emotions, made this persona, buried deep all his traumas and then being forced to face the worse trauma caused him to snap, beacuse he doesn’t want this, this isn’t how things were meant to be. He’s lost the patience to just move on, leading him to be violent and aggressive. Even aizawa was shocked when he snapped and told him to shut up and calm down in the car scene whatever. being forced to face him again clearly had an massive affect on him and he’s still trying to reject the fact that oboro could possibly be a villian cuz in his eyes villains don’t deserve to be forgiven they are horrible humans and don’t deserve second chances and he doesn’t want to believe his best friend who talked and told him about the ways and how they’re all going to be heros together, be a villain. Facing oboro once more has made all his emotions spark and like mentioned he cannot deal with that. Whenever he starts to show vulnerability he instead starts to act angry to cover up his true emotions with anger Because it’s better then being ‘weak’ and showing vulnerability infront of aizawa or others. His bottled emotions also seemed to of bottled up into anger, which is once more a common thing for those who bottle up emotions. Clearly hizashi is upset and hurt by all this but he refuses to show it. Now onto actually discussing chapter 420, killing kurogiri to hizashi is the only escape, only way to stop all these emotions, in this chapter he’s crying. And aizawa ‘points it out’ and when he does he responds with ‘I’m a man, men don’t cry!” However he doesn’t actually believe that he just thinks HE can’t cry because we see present mic attempt to comfort aizawa when he’s sad, he even punched the fucking doctor for making him cry. He wouldn’t do that if he thought MEN couldn’t cry. However it turns out aizawa wasn’t even talking about hizashi he was talking about Oboro/kurogiri, beacuse he’s crying. I’m sorry but it kinda felt like aizawa was ignoring hizashi then, and aizawa has never really acknowledged how hizashi really feels beacuse to him hizashi hasn’t changed all these years but to us we see obvious changes. (He said that in my hero justice 2)

Hizashi is facing so many emotions at once and like I said he CANNOT cope or deal with it, he has no distractions, it’s oboro and facing him again that’s making all his emotions spark, if your someone who’s bottled up their emotions for years and then one day your hit with a wave of them, and they suddenly they all come out whatever you will not know what to do. Hizashi is scared, angry, upset ect ect, it’s causing him to be violent. He wants aizawa to be happy, and safe but he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to kill oboro he wants to kill kurogiri but he knows kurogiri is oboro but he’s in denial. He doesn’t want to see Oboro has this villain but he knows deep down it’s true. (Now I’m talking about a different chapter, I forgot what one) When kurogiri dies/goes to save shigaraki we see zashi crying, he even said “thanks bud” when kurogiri opened a Portal for him to go to the battle field. At his point we see that hizashi seems to of finally came with terms of kurogiri being oboro but obviously he dies, if hizashi really wanted kurogiri dead he wouldn’t have cried? If that makes sense he wanted to save him like aizawa. Now beacuse kurogiri is dead present mic is going to have to carry MORE guilt probably more guilt then aizawa.

I still don’t think that was everything tho/ all his emotions. Like just think about how powerful zashi is, I think he was still holding back. Because he has been bottling them up for 15 years so there’s no way that’s everything. Yk?

His reaction was valid and in character for him.

The moment he shows emotions people hate him, like come on guys, Be so fucking fr. Like present mic is angry at himself, the villians ect. He couldn’t protect his friends, it was the villians who did this.

Thanks for reading!! And sorry if any mistakes or if some of it doesn’t make sense😓

‼️oh yeah he also has the black and white mindset and that’s believed to maybe be another trauma response‼️

[biblicallyaccuratecrow]

ouroboros rambles chapter 2

you guys seemed to like the chapter 1 rambles, so here is chapter 2!

[spoilers for isat and twohats below the cut]

i would like to start by saying that we all need more mirabelle POV fics in our lives. she deserves only the best.

I always really liked how Mira didn't just. get over act 5? like, the things that siffrin said were hurtful! yes! and she loves him! even after that! but it doesn't erase the pain and the conflicting feelings regarding it, especially because of the no-spoilers rule... which we will get more into i proMISE! in any case I was focused a lot on the fact that Mira post canon is dealing with a Lot, what with everyone still believing that she was chosen by the Change God and yknow. saving Vaugarde, and Siffrin's overall condition doesn't help! She wants him to be okay and safe, and she has already shown that she feels immense guilt over not being able to help siffrin during the loops, so I kinda leaned hard into that.

The entire party is about to be So Tired Of People.... especially The Introverts (Odile, Mira, and Siffrin)...

The fucking cart thing came to me out of fucking nowhere. I have no idea where or why that bit came around.

Siffrin sleeping habits analysis. siffrin sleeps all curled up like a cat most of the time? theyre small scrappy, but not really the most physically strong (before the loops), and i imagine more than a few years of traveling alone would train him to be ready to protect themselves however they can, even in their sleep. I think that this eases up a bit as they get comfortable with the party, which leads to them being able to sleep "normally". but of course, that is how they wake up in the loops. negative association and trauma from waking up back in the meadow..... i don't imagine they'll be going back to that any time soon.

I do have a Full Catalog of Siffrin's injuries (because im actually insane) but that will be talked about in my chapter 3 rambles. for now though, all im gonna say is that Siffrin definitely kept the stars hidden. In my headcanon, healing craft only works when you can actually pinpoint a wound, internal or external. I'm more inclined to believe that siffrin healed them up the best they could on their own after to hide them.

Ohhhh odile. my beloved. i have so many feelings about her and how she processes siffrin's issues postcanon. feelings i will not get into until next chapter. sorry lmaoooooo. All you gotta know for now is that once she starts seeing things, she can't stop. the signs appear everywhere, and she very quickly puts the pieces together from that point. All it takes is one domino to start the cascade, and Odile is the kind of person that WILL get to the bottom of it all, no matter what it takes.

Mira's guilt. Oh man. There are some ways in which her and Siffrin are very alike, and this is one of them. She's justified in being mad, yes, but that doesn't erase the fact that she doesn't want to BE mad. She hates it. because she knows now that siffrin was suffering. She defeated the king, saved vaugarde, but the cost was her friend's health and happiness. siffrin said that they were happiest they'd ever been with the party... and yes, siffrin loves them all deeply, but she never could have wanted that love to come at such a great price.

Mira has gotta be TIRED. girl healed siffrin a grand total of (checks my page of notes from act 5) six times. with very little cooldown. and that was AFTER deflecting the ONE SHOT KILL attack from the king (which, even with the carrot method shield, does at least 1/4 damage) and unfreezing siffrin....ough. let her rest!

i love torturing isa using his crush. its so funny. bro is a disaster. brain completely short circuits at the thought of siffrin in his clothes i can IMAGINE IT SO CLEARLY.... odile is gon abe homophobic soon /silly

Siffrin's wish... this scene was really important to me. Just for clarification (and this will become a LOT more obvious later), I don't really regard this scene as Siffrin getting over what happened? Because he definitely isn't. But they have already literally let go of their wish, and I wanted to explore a more… intentional version of that? its long-lasting effects are still there, mentally and physically. it doesn't just go away. But it has served its purpose and this is my way of showing the transition point from the loops and their future with their family.

Also!!! the idea of mourning something that no longer serves its former purpose, a life you cannot get back. Siffrin can never go back to who they were before their wish. They have been fundamentally changed as a person. And while the wish did bring good things, the flipside is that it also dismantled their entire worldview and life in its entirety. They died from this wish, suffered because of it, but the meaning behind it remains, and i think that this scene kind of shows the idea that siffrin still feels compassion for what it originally meant to them. its a bittersweet reality.

[romanarose]

Fic Recs

I'll admit I've been slacking. A lot. It was a high anxiety summer as you know, and I've finally been able to pretty much cut ties with an abusive friend who was causing a LOT of those anxiety and panic attacks. BUT I want to rec some of my fav writers and fav stories.

To keep the presure low on myself I am only linking ONE story per writer, whatever story that speaks to me. I do hope if you like the story you'll check out more from them!

Please remember to reblog their stories if you read them, and if you feel inclinded, leave a kind comment! Big comments are fantastic but even a short "Great story!" Means the world!

Dead Dove Do Not Eat and all dark fics will be in red. Might make a whole other dddne tag list on my dark blog on of these days lmfao

Moon Knight

Fractured Moon by @melodygatesauthor : DDDNE Yandere Moon boys x reader, non con, extreme violence but such good interpretations of the boys

Friendly Favors by @runa-falls best friend steven, friends with benefits??? friends to lovers??? yes plzzz

Rydal Keener

Oxford Comma by @whatthefishh : Collage AU, Rydall is cunty, serves cunt, and eats cunt. What can I say.

TLOU (Most of what I'm reading rn if im being honest)

Linger On by @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin : Pre-outbreak!Joel, angst, yummy smut, ft. my boyfriend, Tommy (Angela said I can be Tommy's gf)

Caught by @toxicanonymity : Inspired Keep Cry'n, Joel catches you when you try to run, masterbates onto your face. part 2 has TOMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Maintainence Man series by @gracieispunk : Joel is a, well, Maintenace man in our building! He is married but that doesn't stop him from fucking you

Hungry Hearts @atinylittlepain : If ya'll know me, you know I love Bruce Springsteen. I have 2 fics named after springsteen songs, one joel one javi/santi/reader. I've fallen behind on the series but loved it enough to make fan art! terrible fan art but still! Pre-outbreak, takes place in two timelines- college age and then the 2000'. Joel has Sarah, reader is ellies mom which I think is fun.

Exit Wounds by @strang3lov3 : No fic masterlist so I tagged the main masterlist. Now listen. I love Tommy Y'all know I love tommy... but cheating on tommy? Im so sorry baby. But ur also an asshole lol. Had it coming.

Creep by @theywhowriteandknowthings : I- ugh just read it. darkish but nothing insane like the wrong way lmfao. pretty mild comparatively but use discression but THAT TWISTTTTTTTT

Only Daddy That'll Walk the Line by @millerscoffee Yellow istead of red bc its not like. dark but Joel's pretty mean

Not A Survialist Girl by @tightjeansjavi again yellow bc joel's a dick lol but THE DIRTY TALK?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Miguel O'Hara

Halo by @missdictatorme : Miguel O'Hara goes full Nathan Bateman and fucks his ai. Whore.

Only You Only Me by @astroboots : so im behind on this one too. What about it! Im terrible I know but like Hungry Hearts above I may be a slow reader but I didn't forget and also did stupid fan art of this great fic too. lol. Anyway plz read this, I cant give a great summary bc im only a few chapters in but if youre in the oscar fandon you know cici writes only bangers

No One But Me by @koshkamartell : You try to break things off with Joel and begin spending time with the hot librrian in Jackson. Joel does not like thi

Triple Frontier

Under Neon Lights by @campingwiththecharmings : sexy drunk sex with my baby boi, santi <3

Through the Scope by @ssuperficialspacecadett : Reader works for Benny and falls for frankie. Great relationships with all the boys, reader has sexual trauma so you knoooooooow i eat these fics up!!!! lovely to see all them be appriciated with special focus on FRANKIE my precious lol guy

Shared Breathes by @frenchiereading : DAD FRANKIE x teacher reader. Triple frontier may have forgotten Frankie has a baby (he deserved the money for her) BUT WE DID NOT!!!!!

The Story of Us by @pimosworld : You served in the military with the boys but they made a deal not to sleep with you. Years later after helping you escape abuse, one by one they begin to waver aka you fuck them all. FishBen as a bonus!!

Goddamn have I really only been reading TLOU XD lmfao makes sense bc thats mostly what Im writing. That and the Javier pena x reader x santi and then the will fic but im soooooooooo much of a TLOU whore rn its insane.

Im sure ill remeber some more amazing TF fics soon but for now here we are!

Gonna plug real quick my latest one shot tho bc it's a holiday and I can self promo if I want! Shana Tova, moon boys x non jewish!reader where the moon boys share a part of their jewish identity with you!

THANK YOU TO ALL WRITERS FOR YOUR HARD WORK, I APPRICIATE YOU!

If you ever seen my like and not reblog know its just bc I forgot and im sorry. If you ever tagged me in a tag game and i never responded its bc I forgot and again IM SORRY

If I didnt tag anyone and you think i didt think your fic was worthy THATS NOT IT im simply overwhelmed with how much ive read and how this summer was and i just havnt organized it all. Im sorry!!

[whoblewboobear]

I need my boss and coworker to worry about themselves actually. If they didn’t make this job such a fucking torment nexus maybe I’d like it more. I’m in fucking hell.

At this point I need to bite the bullet and ask to be part time or work from home half the days bc being in this office everyday makes dealing with my health worse. I called out Wednesday bc I could barely walk and I’m still fucking limping and they’re just dog piling on despite 1. My boss being aware of my condition and how hard I’m struggling with it bc he keeps asking me the same fucking questions about it like it’s his own form of trauma porn.

And 2. My coworker has been made aware I’m doing what I can while im on deaths door

I’ve wanted to quit for a year and a half now and truly if all I could land a job in my field that pays the same or more I would not be here. I’m sick of the work, I’m sick of the people, I’m sick of the fake nice bullshit, I’m sick of the false sense of urgency. I’m sick of it all. I’m burnt out I’m exhausted and most days I wanna come in, do my job, and go the fuck home. I don’t wanna talk to the person that harassed me for being depressed and shit talked my braids and the way I dress, my weight, talked over me whenever I tried to have a conversation with her etc just to cry and say IM SILENCING HER, I don’t want to talk to the boss or hr lady that called me sensitive when I provided a 5 page HR report of documented repeated harassment with dates timestamps and quotes verbatim from my coworker’s mouth, I don’t want to work for a company that wants everyone to be a family soooooo bad but only cater to a handful of people.

I want to work, i need the money. But I want to stop feeling uncomfortable every fucking second of every day I’m in this fucking office. I just don’t care anymore.

[italicized-oh]

📓!!!

hiiiii sorry this took me so long to get to! i had some Irrational Fear to deal with. but i kicked its ass so we're back, baby

all right. look. we all know i have religious trauma. and so a Very large part of me wants to go back to make me an instrument (the v distorted reality fucked up timescape flashback experience jace has post-death and/or post-shatterstar). and i probably will if anyone else wants to read it lol. but!

as far as something i haven't written yet but have just been noodling on. i'm v v curious about what an amnesia fic would entail for any combo of zarajaceporter (or if i'm gonna janelle-bait then. any clone combo too). like we've done a lot of tropes so far and i am in Absolute Undying Love with every single one of them. but unless i've missed it i think it would be v v fun (and also evil) of me to write either porter or jace losing their memories post-fhjy finale. the whole coming back wrong thing, but like. coming back wrong 2: electric boogaloo. oops no memories of the One Meaningful Event that tied us together. of the years of devotion and manipulation and salvific fantasies and. well. scorching hot sex.

idk who it would be worse for in which role, but here's some initial thoughts below.

if it's porter who comes back w oops no memories. then jace is all alone w his trauma (unless zara's there but even then. she wasn't ensared by porter like jace was). like. he's carrying the weight of knowing porter, knowing porter-rage-god, and knowing this. not shell bc it's still v much porter. but it's somehow not the same porter as before bc this one knows something is missing. and lives with a hollowness inside him that makes him so, so fucking angry (at ankarna, funnily enough. some things never change). and he's so deeply in love with jace all over again, but jace has decided that This Time he won't fall into bed/love w porter again.

if it's jace, though. ohhhh boy. i almost feel ashamed of how brutally naive he would be all over again. if you're a jaceclone enjoyer, think j2's whole deal. like. do we watch him fall for porter all over again? does this jace inherently distrust porter for some reason unknown to him? does this jace know why porter looks at jace like porter's expecting jace to stab him or mind sliver him at any moment? does this jace even care? like, idk, it might actually be good in a twisted kind of way, because porter gets a do over and jace doesn't have to have literally been consumed and used up by a rage monster. hmmm. i don't think jace is angry, though. i think he's secretly relieved, because context clues and the haunted look in porter's eyes are plenty. he doesn't need to remember (bc in my heart and my headcanons jace is at his core a coward. not in a really derogatory way, just in a. that man has no spine. only under the Most Extreme circumstance will he stand up to someone.)

anyways tl;dr: amnesia fic featuring so, so much pining, theorizing about what it means to come back wrong but at least you came back, and the question of whether it's better to remember or not remember the years of your life when your mind and body were not your own. oops now we're into my trauma personally so im gonna end it here. hope this entertains! <3

[ellsss]

hey, I have a question! I’m also a Christian but I’ve been…questioning my sexuality lately. Could I ask, how do you deal with being Christian and lesbian?

HEYYYYY thanks for the question! i literally never get asks so this is niceeeeeeee.

tbh, it's incredibly hard. im kinda learning how to deal with it myself, so in true honesty, i don't really have a complete and full answer. as of right now, i'm trying to take care of my mental health as much as i can.

from Christians, I've kinda gotten used to seeing fucked up homophboia from them unfortunately, but it still makes it sad, although it's constantly hard to see. However what gets to me and hurts me the most is fellow LGBTQ+ people be angry at me or insult me for being Christian.

and while I understand it's a response to severe trauma, it hurts so much. someone literally said to me once "you shouldn't be part of a religion that gives people trauma, just something to think about", which is 1. passive aggressive and 2. genuinely unfair on me, because imagine saying that to someone of Jewish faith or Islam? I get that Christians have harmed millions of people for years and years. but having people tell me that i should abandon my religion hurts so much.

not to mention how people have compared being LGBTQ+ and Christian to being a n*zi which is a huge offensive comparison and a slap in the face to Jews who survived and died in the holocaust tbh.

it's incredibly hard because i feel like im constantly pulled in two directions and i'm being told to pick a side by people on Earth, even tho i feel in my soul that God genuinely loves me and LGBTQ+ people, and everyone. It's unfair.

How I deal with it as of right now is, while this sounds awful, I unfollow or block anyone who is ex-evangelical or ex christian. and it's not because i don't think their trauma is valid. it is 100% and they have every right to speak on what they experienced. it's just it makes me feel incredibly guilty for something that also feels like a genuine part of me.

and it's something i don't want to abandon or leave behind, because that would dismantle everything i have been through and everything God has helped me with up to this point. i just block or unfollow anything that makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable with my lesbianism, or my Christianity.

idk if this helps but i hope it does😭😭

[wormsin]

i hope this isnt very out of the blue—it’s just that these two have been rotating in my head for days (though tbh when have they stopped but anw), in your opinions, how do you think bruce and dick’s relationship can be healthy(ier)? like, ignoring the whole “the nature of comic demands them to always be unhealthy for conflicts/dramas’ sake”, (how) do you think they can move forward from all the bad things that have happened between them (especially if one counts spyral into it)?

i am also constantly rotating them and throwing them into rat mazes! endlessly entertaining.

my answer to this question is actually my ongoing series earth-w1 or: It's all part of the fairy tale. (see what I did there?) it's my fix-it AU set a year(?) after Spyral where Bruce and Dick get together. their relationship is very much a work in progress and messy but they are trying their best! hopefully I'll get the time to write the whole character arcs I have in mind for them.

so if we're talking comics Bruce and Dick? and we're not cherry picking the worst moments and dysfunction out? whether platonic, familial, or romantic, their relationship is deeply codependent. they need to grow as individuals before their relationship can be healthy.

they're great at ignoring their past conflicts and forgiving each other (without communicating that), because they always come back to nearly unconditional trust and love for each other. they don't need to open up old wounds between them, but they should. this is how comics deal with their issues—sweeping them under the rug, *maybe* with a few panels of communication where Bruce indirectly apologizes and Dick dismisses his need to apologize.

that's not actually good in the long run, and gives us situations like Dick coming back from Spyral with a cheery "family is everything!" smile, a character dissonance that *I* explain by Dick's desperate "Im okay" maladaptive coping mechanism.

anyway.

this is how to improve their relationship on the surface:

1. they realize that they both want each other around, and then actually spend lots of time together.

2. Dick helps call Bruce out on bullshit and helps improve his relationships. Dick soothes Bruce's emotional dysfunction by being a constant of unconditional love.

3. Bruce reassures Dick of his place in his life and the family, soothing Dick's anxiety about belonging.

4. the foundations of dysfunction in their relationship remain, so as soon as there's a crisis they fall into the same patterns as before, causing strain in their other relationships. Bruce can't be out of control or have Dick nearly-die without losing it. Dick drops everything to emotionally rescue him. Dick doesn't allow others to care for him.

this is how to improve their relationship deeply:

1. Bruce becomes brave enough to let Dick in past his armor, and shares and processes his childhood trauma. he recontextualizes what Batman is.

2. Dick accepts that he is worthy of love himself, and allows himself to be imperfect.

3. they actually spend time together.

4. Bruce makes a genuine effort to make amends for his past actions, regardless of the outcome. most importantly, Jason, whose death fundamentally changed Bruce. I dont think Jason needs to forgive Bruce or even give him the time of day, but Bruce must try and *not punish anyone if it doesnt go how he wants*.

probably the way to do this is to give both Bruce and Dick serious mental breakdowns. and maybe semi-retire them. I imagine them mellowing out a lot more when they're older and retired from vigilantism.

you can make their relationship and characters more, or less, fucked up but I believe the recipe still stands because Bruce's protective control and Dick's perfectionist caregiving are core dysfunctions for their characters.

[queercripintersex]

On intersex questioning

I recently put up a poll asking people what motivated them to question if they were intersex. Partly to know how "typical" I am. But also because I'm curious if people who are currently questioning their intersex status are noticeably different from those of us who already identify as intersex.

And I gotta say, the spread of responses look pretty similar!

Most of the asks I see on tumblr tend to be framed in medical terms. Personally, I was motivated more by social/psychological reasons (figuring out who I am and wanting to not feel like a lone freak). Turns out people like me are in the minority but we're hardly alone.

I honestly wonder how much of the medical asks are really about other things like belonging or gender but those reasons don't seem "valid" enough.

I wanna share the replies and reblogs because I would have found them useful to read back when I was questioning if I was intersex. I have lightly edited them for readability (if you wrote one and want to be quoted by username DM me!) To see the original comments go to the original post. Replies from intersex people "I went through several years of being confused about how I felt trans fem but also was afab. The day I was diagnosed with PCOS I searched it in Tumblr and found out it fell under the intersex umbrella and I accepted that identity for myself immediately. Intersex was never a question for me, it was the answer I had been looking for." "Multiple of the above! Mislabeled trauma and ignored medical issues made more sense after finding out, and a more general discomfort with how I look lessened after finding out, oh i look like this because of that and i look like that down there because of what they did to me"

"wanted to figure out both medical and gender stuff but medical was more pressing so i picked that one"

"never thought of myself as intersex until PCOS fucked my whole hormone cycle up. Now it feels weird not to say im intersex"

"medical issues and gender stuff i guess. I had stuff like slightly too early and too intense puberty and i was like. There is no way that this is normal theres gotta be something to explain this. And then after some time i found out there are hormonal intersex variations that do that stuff. Now to just get myself to accept that im still intersex on hrt 🙃"

"It was very complicated for me because for years I had a feeling that Something wasn't right. And I didn't technically have a period of questioning but I always did feel weird calling myself perisex bc I just felt Something was wrong. And then. Almost 2 years ago now. I was told by my parents that I had my chromosomes tested as a toddler. And I had triple X. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal or anything and so just never thought to tell me?. And then I had a brief questioning period on whether that counted as intersex but within a couple of days came to terms w it"

"Picking only one was tricky for me because the medical trauma and the gender stuff have been so deeply linked for me. [...] I didn't really seriously consider [questioning] until my mid-20s once I had access to therapy for the first time in my life ... At first in therapy the issues of medical trauma and of figuring out my gender were treated as though they were parallel issues but the more we explored them the more evident it was they were linked. When I went through hyperandrogen puberty it felt normal and appropriate, and everything my mom and doctors did to force my body into a female presentation was both traumatic and a source of gender dysphoria. [...] Figuring out I was intersex connected all the dots."

"Other. Wanted to know why people kept being confused by or shocked by my genitals. which honestly answered itself but then i wanted a more in depth medical answer Just In Case (like since i have ovotestis i am at risk of ovarian AND testicular cancer)"

💛💜💛

[space-apples]

saying this on here because the azi hate is seriously (not a big deal, im a theatre kid and im being dramatic) driving me insane.

buckle up because i have fucking things to say <3.

good omens 2 spoilers ahead, obviously/lh

i hate the coffee theory. and before you click away, please read my post <33

i like the lie theory better, but i enjoy the integrity (for lack of a better word) of it being about religious trauma and how that affects different people.

azi is so religiously brainwashed that he still believes heaven can be good. he is an angel, he is good. but since he got kicked out, that meant he wasn’t good enough. as much as crowley sees and recognizes the things azi does, azi does the same for crowley. he sees and recognizes how good crowley is. he is so incredibly good that— in azi’s mind— it doesn’t make sense that he’s a demon.

additionally, he also sees that crowley is lonely. and azi is also lonely. and the whole point is that theyre lonely together. but if they both become angels, then they don’t have to be lonely, and they can be together.

we also know that azi knew crowley before he fell. he saw what could happen to him if he did something wrong. it’s why he is so worried about whether or not he’s doing good.

overtime, ofc, we see him growing into himself a little bit more because he’s no longer surrounded by heaven officials. but then a very powerful one— his boss’s boss— came up to him and said that he was the best. angel. for. the. job.

that he couldn’t think of a better angel than aziraphale. and he just wants to be good so badly. he wants to be with crowley so badly. and with this, he can have both.

i totally see it from crowley’s pov too— he’s been building up a relationship with the closest person he’s ever had. they were on the same side because they didn’t have a choice to do otherwise. and then azi actively chooses the very thing that was making both of them suffer and feel like they can never do anything right ever. like i definitely see why and see how crowley is upset. it’s justifiable. /gen

i dont think either of them are at fault here except for heaven and hell. i think all of this comes down to communication. and though i think azi should do the “you were right” song, i don’t inherently think that this is something he is at fault.

aziraphale is still operating in the good vs bad system, he hasn’t fully deprogramed his indoctrination. he’s trying to convince himself that he’s right. if the institution you were in your entire life ended up being bad for you, of course you wouldn’t believe it at first. azi is actively choosing between what he wants to do, and what he has to do. and since he is so fucking afraid of heaven and consequences of defying that, he would say yes.

he’s searching and hoping for validation— and his boss’s boss came up to him and it not only gave him that toxic validation, but it put him back into that “oh i can be / do good.”

but to crowley, aziraphale was saying, “i want to make you good enough for heaven.” and aziraphale was trying to say, “i want to make heaven good enough for you. i want to make myself good enough for you.”

and people are comparing azi to gabriel because ineffable bureaucracy (i just spent a very long time trying to spell that LMAO) happened in like a week, and it took our aziraphale more than 6000 years. to that, i am here to remind people that gabriel was probably contributing to the fears that aziraphale had, and he didn’t ever experience that type of trauma because the only people that were above him was the metatron and fucking god.

plus, this type of institution affects people variously and not every person reacts or behaves the same :):)

this whole thing is just how religious trauma affects people differently :):):):)

another reason why i hate the coffee theory is just because it undermines aziraphale’s intensely complex character. the end lol. i hope you have a great day <33

[princessofxianle]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

well THANK YOU for asking, you are the first to!

tbh ive been meaning to do this on my main blog bc I take these wayyy too seriously lol but ANYWAY heres my top 10 faves (in no particular order) that I can think of (tbh theres prob more i forgot about, or i wanted to keep only 1 per fandom... except tgcf)

Huge Spoiler Warning: for ALL of tgcf, 2ha, aot, AND JJK MANGA!!!

1. Feng Xin (tgcf)

do i even need to explain this one? loyal to a fault, just a cute lil puppy, one hell of a sculpted archers back, and he's head over heels in love with Xie Lian (but tbh same) i have a lot of thoughts about him on a daily basis on this blog (and also theres the #fx backstory au tag)

2. Noé Archiviste (the Case Study of Vanitas)

MY BABY

the absolute bestest boy of EVER... with a LOAD of unprocessed trauma (yknow the typical stuff like seeing your childhood bff get decapitated in front of you) and a lot more to come once we find out how he kills his boyfriend best friend, Vanitas...

i ALSO think about him a lot but over on @noes-pillow

3. Sejanus Plinth (The Hunger Games: tbosas)

hated reading as a child... HATED it... picked up the og trilogy when i was 12 and i was a goner. The funny thing is i still hated reading for YEARS up until i picked up the prequel novel then in 2020, and now ive read all of tgcf, 2ha, and more fanfic than i could ever imagine... all because this stupid boy (i love him) chose to trust the WORST person as his friend, rip sejanus my baby

the movie is v good btw, if you havent seen it you should

4. Xie Lian (tgcf)

*Taizi Dianxia Fang Xin Guoshi General Hua Xie Lian*

how this man survived 800 years of being physically unable to die and never went insane is a mystery i will never be able to fully comprehend (aaand im in love with him... hmm i wonder why...)

5. Mihael "Mello" Keehl (Death Note)

the chocolate-addicted blonde boi that was my first anime crush... by proxy I must also add Mail "Matt" Jeevas because they are a package deal

these two are also the reason i started writing fanfic so they will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart

6. Xue Meng - (2ha)

*sigh* he's just everyone's fav peacock (yes technically the image is XM 0.5 but he had a cool ass bird so im using this photo bc its COOL anyway...) mengmeng is another one of my trauma bois who has lost next to everything and yet is STILL kicking ass and taking names #thatsmyfuckingsectleader so proud of you my son

also this might get me into hot water here but imma go ahead and say it...

this is what i wanted Jiang Cheng to be... (i LOVE my angy grape but...) through thick and thin, despite EVERYTHING, and even mo ran fucking abandoning him he will still call mo ran his "ge"...

fgjhdfhfdg THEYRE BROTHERS, OKAY???

7. Howl Pendragon (Howl's Moving Castle)

ok this one i just simply do not need to explain... if you think i do, go watch this whole movie and then there ya go thats your answer...

GENDER

8. River Song (Doctor Who)

aside from being the character that unlocked my unhealthy obsession with :) Main Character Death :) at the ripe ol' age of 8 YEARS (although Will Turner from POTC also helped on that front... Orlando Bloom my beloved) River's story was a stroke of absolute GENIUS from start to finish and i simply love how Alex Kingston played her...

"You don't expect a sunset to admire you back."

I just love the doomed ones, okay...

9. Satoru Gojo (Jujutsu Kaisen)

look... theres *gojo girlies* uwu and then theres GOJO GIRLIES... i couldn't give 2 shits about how he's fan-serviced (tho im not complaining) but have you SEEN the amount of grief pumped into that man? he could explode in a fit of fucking insanity at literally any moment and take the whole goddamn world down with him bc what happened with suguru WASNT FAIR to him and satoru has more than enough power to go apeshit... but he DOESN'T... even after losing so many of his co-sorcerers... he still puts on a brave face to the end in order to protect the childhood of his students even tho his own youth was stolen from him during hidden inventory...

SEE? The DOOMED ones!

10. Levi Ackerman (Attack on Titan)

i read the manga during my last year of uni and when i tell you i SOBBED at the end... yes ofc for obvious reasons, but mostly bc my little Levi loses EVERYTHING. He is the SOLE survivor of the veteran scouts. He's missing multiple fingers, an eye, and the ability to walk. He was the strongest (yowaimo) but wasn't even granted the mercy to die at the end of his narrative! Broke my fucking heart.

BONUS: Morph (Treasure Planet)

he's a morph!!! nuff said <3

fin

[disabled-stuck]

HI ITS ME CHRONIC PAIN ANON BACK AGAIN... here's my thoughts on who of the human cast is Aware That They Have Chronic Pain Issues. srry ppl were discussing and im like, Wow, Time For Me In Hc Central

june's issues start to really develop and get bad post-game (in my headcanons), so for a long period of time she literally has no one to talk to about it bc she's self-isolating. she eventually tells nannasprite about it when nanna is guilt-tripping her into getting up (nanna voice: Whatever works, hoohoo!), and nanna is like. this is my only granddaughter. i will do whatever i can for her. (i love june & nanna's dynamic. could u tell.) jasprose also is like GIRL!!! You Are In Pain!!! nanna & jasprose team up of the century to get june egbert to Acknowledge Her Problems

dave NO clue NO idea WILL not talk about it. maybe EVENTUALLY tells karkat about it but i don't think she ever seeks out a diagnosis or tries to get one. hes got old ingrained trauma about seeing doctors, which is something he's trying to get over, but like, he already has 4 bajillion other things to unpack about his childhood and healthcare systems are not historically good about chronic pain, a dismissal of their symptoms might set them back in that regard. they're just homebrewing this shit for now.

rose: yeah, she knows. she doesn't talk about it in those terms, though. instead of saying "i have a horrible migraine and cannot get out of bed" she tells kanaya to text the gc that she's afflicted by the Broodfester Woes and cannot join them this evening. theyve sort of picked up by now what that means but she thinks it's funnier this way.

jade: HMMM. i think she put herself through her denial paces but actually i think going grimbark essentially caused her to not feel her chronic pain (a side effect of condy's semi-control over her body), and when she got shunted back into her body she had to face the reality where she DIDNT hurt all the time like wow thats how ppl normally feel? what the fuck????

jane: oh absolutely fucking not does not know. unlike jade, his pain got WORSE during crockertier. yet it still takes literally two decades for him to finally acknowledge that his stuff is NOT normal and the fact that her whole friend group has chronic pain doesn't help, which kind of sucks. jane voice: well sometimes i can get out of bed when i have a headache and rose can't, so clearly its not the same (as if jane doesn't force himself out of bed even when he really shouldnt!!!). roxy has to be the one to tell him.

roxy: yeah she knows it's chronic pain. she's been worried about getting cirrhosis for years, and so has been keeping up to date on her physical health as a result. she figured it out pretty quickly after a couple flareups. trickster mode made it worse for her.

dirk: hal has been telling him for YEARRRRRRRRS that his carpal tunnel is just that, carpal tunnel. and yet. AR: Dirk, if you do not take better care of yourself, you are never going to be capable of building me a body of my own. TT: 1. I'm fine. 2. I'm not building you a body anyways, so the point is moot. anyways he accepts it during the game bc he's like you know what. might as well admit it to myself. good thing, too, because it only gets worse after a couple decapitations.

jake: has pretty much always known, deep down, but like. she lives on an ISLAND. the hell is he going to do about it? no, better not to think about it. someday they'll be able to deal with it, but that day isn't today, and theres so much to do. so he represses it DEEPLY. normal action hero jake english doesn't have chronic pain, of course. she's a heroic manly lead, after all... (the deconstruction of that mindset sort of makes them acknowledge it, though.)

ANYWAYS I JUST RAMBLED AT YOU FOR A COUPLE HUNDRED WORDS HOPE U HAVE, A GOOD DAY/NIGHT/WHAT EVER

YYAYYY no you're so good nonnie thank u forever and ever

[fatratbabyy]

hi! i really love your designs, the colours are always really well done anf the characters are full of life.. and i love how your rewrites give the characters complexity and make them really interesting to me, much more so than canon(though i am a fan of some ideas introduced there, they don’t quite turn out in ways that make sense to me)! i’ve been wondering a few things about helluva troupe for a while however and hopefully the answers aren’t spoilers, lol.. in HT, what is Fizz’s involvement with the ‘troupe’ and what is stolas’s involvement too.? i wish you much luck on your work as it is lovely to see! (also apologies for my silly username)

Thank You!

Thank you so much that means a lot!! waaAahee! It makes me happy to see people interested 🥺👉👈

With Fizz it's,,, a bit Fuzzy, because hilariously he's the whole reason I made this AU among other things But I ended up makinh him a sorta side character antag again because while originally he was going to be part of the main crew from the start of HT's storyline, as I went along in trying to write I saw some cool hcs about his star clown days and so I thought to use the more canonized view- mostly in that he's a star clown during the events of HT instead of dropping the show life to join Blitz in I.M.P. That previous version is why you see him in the I.M.P references- and hinty hoo that ol version isnt completely null and voice to the current HT

ANYWAY so yeah- While Fizz isn't as much a main character as he was he still has a great deal of importance to the story and themes I want to express in HT. When it comes to him and the Troupe itself, I could best describe him as one of the biggest foils or parallels to the main cast. Just,, he's this golden image that represents their every want fulfilled. For Blitz especially given their thick history heehooo. (That's not to say this 'golden image' is entirely as it seems btw...)

Now it sounds much like canon I know but I like to think I'm taking a different direction with it- It's not really just the "haha you suck with relationships, fuck, shit, pénis im doing better look at my good relationship" nonsense cuz for 1. Fizzarozzie does nOT exist anymore- its Mamzie now 😊 (Mammon + Ozzie) and 2. The themes with Fizz and really most of HT has less to do with the melodramatic romance "will they wont they" of Stolitz (which isnt really a thing either) and more the struggle impoverished and oppressed peoples experience with success, failure, identity, community, family, status, history, trauma, etccc. Specifically, because I am an indigenous person from Canada, a lot of the themes are drawn from my own experiences, knowledge and history as an indigenous person. Though with execution, creative liberties were taken to make the fact they're in Hell clear btww-

That very likely did nOT answer jour question but i amn,,,stoopi 😭😭😭 simpler answer i suppose maybe by chance would be Fizz is an eventual antagonist to I.M.P. Specifics and how it happens and wheNNN?? Im still not sure yet if im honest- been really busy the last year or so and so Ive hadnt had any time or energy to work as much on writing all the things! ;u; thats probs disappointing to hear cuz plaNNing and all is important if you're gonna post story stuff at all,,, but !! I do hope to work more on the story this year so i can wrap up all these floating ideas into a Concrete line of stuff cuz truly all im missing is the middle pieces. Maybe an HT comic will be real this/or next year! 👀🏃

ANYHOOT ONTO STOLAS! i rambled a bit too much about Fizz cuz im still figuring him out- Stolas might be a bit shorter cuz his role is sweet and simplisticerr.

So, Stolas is an antagonist. He and Blitz still have an exchange sort of deal, but the deal is Blitz gets to keep the grimoire for I.M.P if he handles Stolas' "errands" and gives it back on the full moon with ofc none of the uh,,hawny stuff, obv. Blitz kinda keeps this deal under wraps from the rest of I.M.P because for him, it hurts his pride to admit he's in need of some big guy's help. And Stolas is somewhat aware of this. And so, Stolas is this looming, cruel threat that Blitz carries the burden of cuz he's stubborn as fuck whilst the rest of I.M.P remain ignorant.

Some bonus notes that dont really have to do with Stolas involvement with imp but jus how stuff ive changed with his canon influence the story diff than canon; so, Stella isnt a thing anymore. In general the Goetia work much differently- majority of the Goetia being the children of Ozzie instead of Paimon (who is Stolas' sibling now btw too) and the Goetia being thousands of years old instead of fucking 30- Also! While Via is existant she is but a baby instead of a moody teen,, ties heavily with Stolas' motives and how he operates as a character, royal, and Goetian and felt it would work better with how HT Stolas is as a character than it would otherwise.

Also no worries about the username! I dont like canon stolas much either lol,,;

I apologize if this didnt answer much 😭 feel free to let me know if you wanna hear about somn else gwahgh 🏃

[livlepretre]

pt 2

“A Jeremy-who-was-not flickers in her mind’s eye, the details of his lifeless face grown hazy over the years. She pushes the memory down, down…” even so far down their relationship, the memory still haunts her, she cannot fully move past that situation Rebekah put her in (but she can forgive klaus for actually murdering her aunt in front of her? like im kinda surprised it doesn’t cross her mind much anymore, but so much time has passed and so much has changed)

I was a bit confused by this bit “A new enticement, that tears at her heart far worse than any other of Rebekah’s previous offers, because she knows that she will ultimately turn this one down, too. To take her up on it would be to place Jeremy directly before Klaus’s wrath.”, I see it this way: she was talking about Rebekah’s offer to go a different path when Esther awakes, as in going separate ways with Klaus, which of course he wouldn’t like and consequently, kill Jeremy. She knows she will ultimately turn this proposal down too, like her rejection of vampirism, because she can’t possibly leave Klaus behind. I may not be understanding it correctly; if so, pls correct me.

“And besides. Her mother will never awaken. Things will never be different.” this is 100% foreshadowing lol

“Elena rubs her palms against the echo of the past, of a time when she had stood victorious over that glorious force of nature.” Elena reminiscing about her past with Klaus? Stood victorious when she daggered him or when she had his devotion and had an impact on his decisions??

Also I wish we could get a Stefan x Kol friendship, I feel like you kinda hinted it when Stefan walked in the opera box. It would make Klaus even more lonely and depressed than he is rn which I NEED.

“Since you were obviously digging, there’s the answer to the question you so desperately wished to ask me: here is the subject I have been most intrigued by since my rude awakening last summer” the subject is the doppelgänger and her blood’s abilities? Very interesting

Can’t wait for the next chapter cause I feel like so many things will make more sense I HATE BEING IN THE DARK. Splendid chapter, I adore it and how you wrote Kol it’s just perfect👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Well. I think that if Elena was asking Klaus to track down information on Jenna/maybe even come into some kind of contact, she would have trauma flashbacks/misgivings about that too. Like, the situation is bringing it back up. I don't think Elena really forgave either Klaus for murdering Jenna or Rebekah for her cruelties in the usual sense we mean it in... I think Elena hit a breaking point, sanity-wise, and also emotionally, and gave herself permission to accept the totality of her feelings, which included falling in love with monsters. And it was sort of like-- okay. I will accept that this happened. I will accept that I still committed the very grave sin of falling in love with you, and I will stop punishing myself for what you did. But you mustn't do it again.

And-- I recognize that the past few updates have taken me years to roll out, but she does still think of Jenna-- she brought it up directly with Klaus as recently as chapter 63! (Even though Jenna was not mentioned by name, that is who she was talking about when she told him she had "forgiven worse.")

I interpret that little flash at any rate as Elena having this moment of clarity when she remembers Rebekah is a monster, and actually sees her that way, but she suppresses it because she's not able to deal with it.

Yes, your interpretation of the enticement bit is correct-- Rebekah is saying, here, choose me, go with me when my mother wakes up, and leave Klaus behind, and I can offer you a better future-- one that includes your brother in it (and also, of course, you as a vampire!). And Elena is tempted, because this is actually the thing that would really tempt her, but she can never turn it down because 1) she won't leave Klaus, for various fucked up reasons she cannot articulate to herself but which actually come down to the fact that she is loyal to him in her heart and, like him, thinks her fate is tied to his; 2) she takes Klaus's threat to kill her loved ones if she bails seriously, and she won't take that risk, when that has been the entire point of her sticking around all this time; and 3) she knows that Esther will never wake up because, per Klaus's confession to her, she is actually dead, and she knows Klaus is lying to the rest of them about being able to wake her up (just like on the show, right? ;-D )

probably a little of both, but mostly reminiscing about that time she murdered him/conquered him

there will be some Stefan x Kol friendship this next chapter, but I wouldn't call that a good thing!

maybe especially not for Klaus?

and yes, Kol is VERY interested in Elena's latent supernatural abilities, and how that power can be turned toward certain uses...

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

hiii uh. dunno if this will make any sense, im kinda just throwing my thoughts at you

OKAY. so. been thinking about kuron(again) and the thing im just realising how ALONE he is, at least at the beggining. the people he thought of as his family fucking KILLED him, stole his body, and then basically forgot about him for YEARS. and after being ressurected- like, in the first few days, weeks, months- did kuron had ANY support? anyone to lean on?? to help him adjust to being alive again?

i know he starts to meet new people and make friends, and thats great! but. at the beggining....... lance was in a coma 'n shit, team voltron propably wasnt too enthusistic about helping kuron, and it just hit me that, at least the way i understand it(i might be wrong), he had to figure EVERYTHING out by himself

thats FUCKED dude

Oh god yes!!! To be honest i dont really have like a detailed idea for this part of the story like at best i have this one idea where Veronica is the first one to find him. Like in my head Veronica has been trying to track down Lance cause he ran away/didnt give the address once he moved out, isnt picking up his goddamn phone and literally dropped from the face of the earth and she cant find a trace of him. That was until apparently Lance?? 'Attacked' Shiro?? Like Shiro's fine just fainted and on bedrest and according to Curtis, Lance was saying something about "he is still in there" before apparently using Magic?? Somehow?? And taking something? From Shiro?? Yeah Veronica has no fucking clue. But a lead is a lead and she was able to track down Lance's new home only to find 1) a guy butt fuck naked coming out of a quintessence filled tub like the girl from Shining and who looks a bit like her boss. 2) her brother unconscious. She instinctly about to pull a gun on him except Kuron just slips and hits the floor, so now Veronica has two men she needs to drag to a hospital. Joy.

So like yeah Kuron's first stranger-to-acquintance-to-friend is Veronica. She neither has the history of All That™ the others have with Kuron, knows a bit about the clone situation to not be weirded out by it, but also doesnt really care about the whole Evil Clone thing™, cause i am so sorry but she has seen this man fall on his face first 5 times and counting, cry over a fridge ad that had kittens in it, and try to name himself Frank Shelley, even if he somehow becomes Evil~ Veronica is sure she can just Take him down easily, and like what is she supposed to do? Just leave him? He clearly has even less of an idea what is going on and she cant in good conscience leave him like this.

And thing is that Veronica does want to support Kuron, because he deserves that! It's the right thing to do and he deserves that! But at the start he really is a stranger to her and Lance is more of a priority to her than he is, and he is like one of the only leads that explains what is going on with Lance. And while she wont admit this but Kuron can tell and like logically He Gets That™!! He Gets That™!!! And he wants to help Lance too!! But he's also someone who is used and thrown away by everyone around him and this shit hurts like hell. Like this is a recipe of disaester for both of them and will result in a shouting match but right now Kuron is too high on pain meds and pain of being alive again to truly get into it so.

So like physically he isnt really alone in figuring this out, Veronica is trying to help him as much as she can help him, and the hospital staff she dragged him to are really nice to him as well. Emotionally......well there is effort. Vero is trying! Heck she even defended him when Shiro suggested they should lock him up cause he was a danger to everyone and is evil. She is trying but she also has her own trauma, whatever is going on with Lance, her family having separation anxiety, her job, etc etc and she can only do so much, and like Kuron is also trying but he is also dealing with so much and pushing it into the back burner and my guy is just not having great time at all. So like yeah he did had to figure out so much himself