#best friends enable each other etc etc.....

[aemondtargeryen]

me, waiting for you to primopost (big fan)

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

octavinelle’s “happy endings”

***SPOILER WARNING: This post will go into detail about the dreams Azul, Jade, and Floyd experience in the book 7 part 10 update.***

OKAY, so there’s a debate in the TWST fandom about whether or not Azul and the twins consider each other “real” friends or just business partners. I’ve shared my own thoughts on this topic in the past (which you can read here!). After the most recent main story update, it’s now more clear to me than ever that they do treasure each other even if they don’t express that in traditional ways.

Let’s discuss them in order that they appear in book 7 part 10!! I know there’s some vagueness surrounding how much of the dream is Malleus actively controlling the scenarios (hence the limited and shallow scope of them) and how much the dreams actively pull from the innate desires of the dreamer, but for the sake of the argument let’s assume the latter is more influential in shaping and structure of the dreams.

First up, Floyd!

So Floyd is known as the “I do what I want when I feel like it” guy. He hates two main things: 1) being told what to do/having his freedom restrained and 2) being bored. To ensure that Floyd is happy, the dream consistently shifts to locations so he vanishes explore and experience new things.

What you might notice is that Azul and Jade aren’t around in Floyd’s dream. This doesn’t mean they don’t exist or that Floyd doesn’t know who they are though. When asked, Floyd replies that Azul is simply doing his own thing (focusing on his business ventures/schemes) and Jade is there supporting him, thus leaving Floyd to his own devices. The fact that Jade and Azul are still present in Floyd’s dream, just not in an immediate capacity, makes complete sense.

In the waking world, Floyd loves to stir up trouble with his brother and Azul. The thing is, Floyd also dislikes it when they tell him off, order him to do something he’s not in the mood for, or punish him for acting out. Yes, Jade for the most part enables Floyd to misbehave, and yes, Azul has largely learned by now that it’s best to sit back and let Floyd fuck off/finish throwing a tantrum rather than intervene. However, there are still times when they order Floyd around or get upset with him. For example, Azul scolds Floyd for damaging the vault where they keep the contracts in book 3 and for not selling the drinks he’s supposed to in book 5. We see numerous examples across vignettes as well: Jade forces Floyd to stand in line at a famous patisserie for Trey as penance for eating special fruits meant for a VIP client (Trey Labwear vignettes), Azul and Jade wring Floyd for his eel slime (Azul Ceremonial Robes vignettes), Azul orders Floyd to secure the rights to Sam’s Mystery Drink even though Floyd shows a clear disinterest in the task (Floyd Dorm Uniform vignettes), etc.

In spite of these grievances, Floyd doesn’t entirely despise Jade and Azul, nor would he be happier without them. They’re an important part of his life, hence why they still linger in the dream, just in the periphery where they can’t butt in with whatever Floyd wants to do. Jade and Azul aren’t present and compliant since that, too, would quickly bore Floyd. He loves those two goobers in part because they’re chaotic and unpredictable, not because they’re yes men to his every action. The dream might not be able to keep up with that demand; it only seems to operate in extremes rather than conjure enough nuance to keep Floyd stimulated and content. This is why all the places Floyd already visited bored him; he got showered with too many conveniences and eventually got fed up with it all.

If you need even more damning evidence, all previous dreams would manifest someone closely tied to the dreamer in an attempt to keep them in the dreamscape. Who does Floyd’s dream summon? AZUL AND JADE. If Floyd genuinely found them annoying or didn’t want them near, the surely the dream would spawn other people. BUT NO, it specifically spawned THOSE TWO in an effort to convince Floyd. It can be argued that they could very well be a source of hatred since Kalim and Neige showed up for Jamil and Vil respectively, but I genuinely think Floyd doesn’t feel that degree of negativity toward Jade and Azul; the kind of hatred that Jamil and Vil have for their respective counterparts has never been expressed by Floyd toward Jade or Azul.

Floyd reacts to dream!Jade and Azul in a manner that’s very different from the dreamers that came before him… with anger. And a LOT of anger too. He immediately clocks them as phonies and, he, fully waking, demands to know who the fakes are, because they certainly aren’t Jade and Azul. Floyd points out their faces and voices may resemble theirs, but they’re acting in a way that they never would (suggesting a “boring” way of living). That pisses him off to the point where he cuts the fakes down all by himself. Brutal violence aside, this tells us a lot about Floyd... as well as Malleus.

We see that Floyd has become lethargic and bored despite the dream's attempts to sate him, which just demonstrates that Malleus, whose magic has a hand in crafting these realities, has a shallow understanding of what makes people happy. (Edit: to be clear, Malleus having a “shallow understanding” of happiness is not a personal take; this is a direct statement made by Idia in-game and this is where I am pulling my phrasing from.) He thinks that removing all obstacles and challenge to what you want is what leads to a happy ending when, in truth, it clearly isn't the case for Floyd, who craves stimulation and change. While Malleus is motivated outright controlling the details of Floyd’s dream down to the wire, his autonomous magic has decided to get rid of any challenges Floyd may face in his pursuit of happiness. (I would continue about the Malleus portion, but since this post is about the Octatrio, I will instead direct you to this post, which shares many of my own thoughts ^^) I think that's why Floyd truly "woke" when he was faced with dream!Azul and Jade; a part of him recognizes how wrong it is for the two people he chose to spend his time with because they're so fun are now turning around and preaching complacency. It tells us just how well Floyd knows those two and values their... unique perspectives, shall we say?

Next, just Jade!

What's immediately fascinating about Jade's dream is that it's also underwater, despite Floyd and co. suspecting it would be on land/in the mountains. Floyd even changes from his merform to his human form prior to hopping to Jade's dream because he was under the impression that it would be on land. This ends up not being the case, although Malleus's magic does manifest the underwater equivalent of "mountains", which are volcanic vents at the bottom of the sea.

We see Jade happily exploring alongside a dream!Azul and dream!Floyd, who are both very different than the real ones. Dream!Azul has big, watery eyes and is much more of a coward and crybaby than the real Azul is. He also seems to be very dependent on Jade, who derives great joy from watching dream!Azul flail about while trying to attain his goals (in this case, access to a gold vein). This is in-character with what we already know about Jade; he amuses himself by watching others struggle--especially Azul, whom Jade frequently teases, such as tricking him to dance as a mummy in the first Halloween event and comparing Azul's greedy attitude to the positive traits of other dorm leaders. Jade also prefers to have control over the circumstances, so he likes it when people defer to his word or advice. So what better to hand him than an Azul that listens to his every word and also provides entertainment value in his tears?

As for dream!Floyd, he presents with a very goofy face and seems to lack his usual aggression and flippancy. Instead, he has a fixation on eating other sea life around him (crabs, shrimp, etc.) and happily goes along with Jade's mountain exploration. Like dream!Azul, dream!Floyd acts dependent on Jade to guide him and even acts cowardly in a fight. Now we can sort of get a glimpse of how Jade feels about Floyd too. Dream!Floyd's pliant and agreeable nature may come in part from the dream seeking to provide Jade with more free entertainment, but it could also be that Jade wants Floyd to share in his interests. But here Floyd is not gung-ho about mountains; instead, he acts very innocently, almost like a kid going along with whatever his parents decide to do for the day. It gives me the impression that Jade doesn't see Floyd as threatening but as someone cute and child-like. This idea is reinforced when, in an attempt to keep Jade dreaming, dream!Azul tells him that Floyd is cute and not some thug (like the real Floyd is). AND JADE 100% BUYS IT. He 100% believes that dresm!Floyd is the "true" one, that his Floyd and Azul would be useless without his support.

Idia makes an important comment at this point in book 7. He explains that Jade is having a hard time waking up because he believes in himself too strongly. That also means that Jade is distrustful of others; he is the only person he counts on. This reflected in how dream!Azul and dream!Floyd present. Both are heavily reliant on Jade to tell them what to do. In real life, too, Jade uses his competency to get into others' good graces (including the notoriously hard to please Vil; see his Dorm Uniform vignettes) so then he can reap the benefits that relationship offers. Jade is just that confident that he can succeed. Indeed, he often is the one coming close to tasting success when all others have failed. If we look back at Ghost Marriage, Jade was about to win over Eliza's heart before Floyd rudely interrupted and pointed out the flowers Jade was gifting were poisonous. Back to Idia's comment; because this is dream's Jade world, he's perhaps too invested in the dream that he has made, thus Jade is choosing to believe the dream that he conjured over the reality staring him in the face. It takes fistfighting with Floyd AND a jolt from Sebek's UM to properly shock some sense into Jade. He is otherwise too stuck in his own head to consider a truth that isn't one he has constructed for himself.

Still, I find it revealing that even though Jade is essentially stuck in his own headspace, dream!Floyd and dream!Azul are the only other people around. Floyd and Azul’s dreams feature way more NPCs, but Jade’s dream is pretty lonely. He could theoretically have several influential people to whisper in the ears of, but instead Jade’s desire is grounded… just being able to explore nature with his twin and Azul. They’re the ones he chooses to spend his time with. No one else. And Jade actively, fiercely defends this simple thing despite usually not being one to resort to violence right off the bat. The only major time in the main story where Jade does this is in book 2, when be noticed that he’s being tailed and does not appreciate the violations of his privacy. That’s exactly what this dream sequence is. It’s another violation of his privacy, and he detests that. You shouldn’t be here interrupting his happy, chill time with his friends business associates. It’s best for you to clear out.

I think it's also worthwhile to note that Floyd and Jade's waking sequences mirror one another. To quote myself from another post:

Something I find interesting is that the twins’ moments of waking mirror each other’s usual approaches to a task. Floyd usually foregoes a plan and prefers to use his fists to get the job done. However, he is slowly roused by reminiscing about his memories at NRC and the promise of being presented with a challenge. The final blow that shocks him awake is the presentation of a dream!Azul and dream!Jade who attempt to lure him deeper into the dream. Floyd doesn’t fall for it; in fact, he gets mad instead, and that fury, so biting and clear, snaps him awake. The opposite is true for Jade. He is someone who meticulously plans before acting, and would rather control the circumstances and use other roundabout methods before resorting to violence. But ironically, the master manipulator Jade is the one who falls for his own dream’s manipulations—all because he trusts himself above all else. He only wakes up because of a very strong physical force (ie Sebek’s UM) striking him. Prior to this, Jade was putting up a very good fight and the blows be was taking were not sufficient to wake fully him. So… Floyd, the brother who prefers brawns, woke up after reflecting and experiencing strong cognitive dissonance between his fake reality and bis true reality. Jade, the brother who prefers brains, woke up after being smacked the right amount. They woke up after experiencing an intense shock related to what is essentially the opposite of their preferred problem solving strategies.

And last but not least, Azul!

We’ve arrived at what I think is the juiciest part to dissect on the subject of the Octatrio’s friendship. To start off with, everyone suspects that Azul’s dream will be one in which he is a highly successful businessman with Mostro Lounge as a chain with even more locations stretching as far as the Coral Sea’s depths. That isn’t the case though! They quickly come to learn that Azul is the leader of Golden Trident, a reigning Coral Rush team. In this dream’s reality Azul was always popular and well-liked. Because he was never bullied, he never started up his shady business in middle school and thus never attracted the interest of the twins. Notably, Jade and Floyd still exist in the dream (as Azul remembers the Leeches from elementary school), but they never got close.

Before we get into the Octatrio’s dynamics, I want to say that the setup of this dream already tells us that a lot of Azul’s desire to become a successful business owner really stems from the longing to be accepted as he is. He uses his businesses and accumulation of contracts to reinforce and inform his self worth. Azul has formed a false belief and identity entering around the concept of success and likability equating to talent and material goods. This explains why he’s so fixated in his public image and being perceived as smart, confident, reliable, and trustworthy, and why he loses it so quickly when he’s denied his collection of golden contracts. Azul is insecure as heck about his shortcomings (athleticism being one of them) and the dream may be latching onto that, as well as his desire to be liked by his peers, to overcompensate.

A little thing I'd like to call attention to is that Jade refuses to divulge the private details of Azul's past in which he was bullied. This is significant because most other instances of the twins bringing up Azul's past usually results in them making fun of him for it and continuing to rag on him to the point where Azul becomes annoyed and tells them to quit it/reminds them that they swore to not talk about it. In those other instances though, the twins never tread that far; they'll at most comment about how different Azul looked or acted back then. They never went so far as to point out how badly he was bullied and here we see Jade respecting Azul's privacy by vocalizing that he refuses to release that information. And this JADE we're talking about, the one who has zero qualms with scoping out prospective new students for their personal info so Azul can later hold it against them (Jade Ceremonial Robes vignettes). Jade even blackmails older students to attain what he wants (Ortho Athletic Gear vignette). It says a lot that, when given the option to openly blab about what Azul experienced and have a laugh about it, Jade clams up.

sdjbaslidbasib OKAY I GOT SIDETRACKED, BACK TO AZUL'S DREAM. So he remembers the Leeches from elementary school, meaning that their existence was not entirely purged from his dream world. It's just a different timeline of events since he wasn't bullied in this reality. Azul is quite friendly to the twins and invites them to join his Coral Rush team at his mother's restaurant for a celebratory dinner. When we arrive at the restaurant, Azul and his team mates start to make fun of the land creatures for very similar things that he actually got bullied for in the waking world. (For example, being clumsy and uncoordinated in their swimming.) He's no longer the bullied, he is a bully. In a twisted way, Azul is getting validation of his own identity by looking down on others; this mirrors his behavior pre-OB in book 3, as he also mistreated his anemone'd peers back then. Tellingly, the only people he doesn't bully are... that's right, Jade and Floyd. Azul instead asks them to play Coral Rush with him. Again, this parallels what we saw in book 3: Azul is asking the twins to essentially "join" him in the midst of him abusing his power and lording over others. He still cares deeply about Jade and Floyd's approval specifically. Nowhere is this demonstrated so clearly as the method by which the twins finally get Azul to start questioning the construct of the dream. They start smashing up the restaurant but then grow bored and make as though they're going to casually leave. That triggers a memory from book 3 in which Azul is angrily shouting about how he'll always be alone. Alone. That's what Azul fears, being that lonely little octopus crying in his pot. That's why he's surrounded by adoring team members and fans in his dream. That's why he breaks down emotionally and OBs after the twins refuse to hand over their UMs to him in book 3. That's why he becomes distraught enough to shake the dream at the suggestion that Jade and Floyd, his two closest friends, are threatening to leave him. In book 4, Azul tries to be cool and play off this fear as the inevitable, that he's fully aware that the Leeches will discard him if he stops being entertaining to them, and that he's prepared for that when it happens. But... is that really the truth, given how Azul reacts in book 7? Everything leading up to this moment seems to imply Azul was just lying to himself, perhaps in an attempt to quell his own anxieties about the possibility. And given how Azul is shown to be calculated in cultivating a put-together public persona, I would not be shocked to learn that. It wouldn't make him seem strong or confident if he displayed weakness or fear over losing his right-hand men. I don't even know that he's purposefully telling a lie. It could very well be something Azul tells himself and believes in, but deep down he cannot truly know how emotional he would get if it ever happened.

As soon as Azul starts to wake, the mermobs of his Coral Rush team are the ones who come in and pull him deeper into the dream. Interesting to have just mobs doing this rather than a dream!Jade or dream!Floyd, given how important they seem to be to Azul. Maybe that's just how the surface level of the dream works? Like, it prioritizes lavishing Azul with general attention rather than the attention of two specific people since, in this dream's reality, Azul never bonded with Jade and Floyd (so those two wouldn't be as convincing?).

When Azul is being dragged into the darkness, Jade and Floyd don't go after him. Instead, they kinda just sit back and claim it's Azul's choice to dream more deeply so who are they to interfere? It takes some convincing from Ortho to convince the twins to pursue Azul into the next layer of the dream--but after the twins depart, Ortho wonders if Jade and Floyd being this cold is actually their way of showing trust. This sort of behavior is why I stress so often that we cannot take what the Octatrio do and say at face value all of the time. They have completely different ways of expressing that they care, and they don't always mean what they insist they mean. (KEEP THIS IN MIND BECAUSE IT COMES BACK INTO PLAY SOON.) In the second layer of Azul's dream, we revisit the events of book 3 had he been successful. He's setting that final class trip picture on fire and relishing in his total conquest of Night Raven College. Azul has ~500 golden contracts, the UMs of the other dorm leaders, and even has Crowley under his thumb--and this time, there's a dream!Jade and dream!Floyd to enjoy that victory with him. The rescue squad has to trick Azul into accidentally sanding his own contracts again, and it's that loss that finally breaks him. Again, we see how much of his own self-worth and value Azul places in that which he collects. It all ties back to that fear of not having anything of worth--not even allies to call his own--if he loses what he believes makes him desirable. At this point, Azul begins to sink into that final layer of his dream (the part where he confronts his OB self). This time, the twins lunge after him, calling out Azul's name and instructing him to grab onto them (+ Jade tells Floyd to help him pull). UM, HELLO????? The "take my hand" imagery, that symbol of trust and connection, from all the way at the start of the game is rearing its head here 😭 AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN CRAZIER???? The twins just... let go after that??? But not because they don't give a crap about Azul--no, it's because they care and believe that he can fend for himself, that he's no longer a weak person who cries and needs their support to stand on his own. Jade sends him off with a "good luck" and Floyd asks of Azul to not go to hell. Azul casually says the same right back to them before descending. And, just as the twins suspected, Azul is able to win against his inner demons and return to them, safe and sound. They were right about Azul, and Ortho was right about the Leeches. For as cold as Jade and Floyd seem to act, it's actually a front for how much they care.

In the segment where Azul faces his Phantom, he cites that the weight of everything he has taken from others has made it difficult to move. Taken literally, it of course could refer to the tentacles of his merform making it hard for him to swim. Metaphorically though? It can easily mean that he can't achieve personal growth if he's burdened by the weight of his sins (stolen talents, items, etc.). These things he stole may glitter, but they are not gold and he now realizes they aren't things he actually finds valuable. Azul wants to go out there and find things of "real value". I interpret this to mean intangible things that can't really have a price put to them, things that cannot be bought in stores... like friendship, the very thing he has with the twins but failed to call it that this entire time.

Everything in these dreams, and more specifically Azul's dream, demonstrates the Octatrio's mutual respect and trust in one another. Jade and Floyd acknowledge Azul as a strong individual, and Azul's subconscious reveals that he deeply values the twins and seeks their approval even when they've been removed from the picture.

[astradyke]

I would adore a deep dive into your thoughts on Phil’s quiet but wonderful way of showing his love for Dan being through photos

hi, i’m sorry i’m responding so late to this, but i really appreciate you enabling me here because i do seriously think about this constantly. i don’t know if i have the words to articulate it, though, so… bear with me. i'd quite like to try.

nobody loves in just a singular way, that’s the preface to this. when i say that Dan loves through words and Phil loves through photography, i don’t mean that Dan doesn’t use photography as an act of love— because there is a polaroid, in their house, of Phil that Dan took— and i don’t mean that Phil has never said something profound about Dan, because we all remember how he talked about Dan’s book at the end of the haircut video (19:13). i, at the very least, never really left the parts at the end of what Dan and Phil Text Each Other 2 where Phil constantly amplifies the work Dan is trying to do, unmasking his own frustrations at the struggles Dan has to experience, and meets Dan's self deprecation with affection (here's that dissertation) (19:57). Dan may use words in a very abstract, artistic way, professing his love for Phil as a ‘soulmate’, an unmatched connection, but Phil still has a careful, casual way of endlessly maneuvering himself to stand by Dan’s side. etc. and of course, there are five thousand other ways to adore a person. Dan and Phil do a little bit of everything; we are lucky to see a spare few snippets.

all that said, let’s talk about photography, yeah?

there is a permanence to photography, even if it’s not always a tangible permanence. they are timestamps, living commitments; i refuse to accept the idea that photography is somehow a ‘stand in’ to ‘true human connection’, rather than a critical facet of it. ex. i know that my best friend is real even if i didn’t have a photo of him sitting beside me on a wayward bus, but it’s still important that i inscribed that memory distinctly into the fabric of my life by taking a moment to chronicle it.

Phil Lester uses photography as a way to immortalize a thousand different fragments of his forever with Dan. there’s a distinct thought process, right, to see someone you love and decide— i never want to lose this moment. that decision, in of itself, is enough of a love confession, but there’s another layer when you decide, on top of all of it, i want the entire world to see this. when Dan described his love for Phil as "more than just romantic", he opened up a piece of himself to show the world, this is how i love this person. this is how i see him. when Dan calls Phil bubby, or dear, this is him cracking a hard exterior to say this is how i see you.

the two of them, upon first meeting, took a selfie together at the Apple store— Phil was the one to press the button. when they sat at the top of the sky-bar, Phil was the one to take a photo of Dan amidst the golden hour light. maybe he didn’t know that Dan loved him back, yet, but he had a certainty in his own adoration of Dan— that regardless of whether Dan wanted him back, Phil wanted him. the image feels timid but assured, like swallowing down anxiety to look yourself in the mirror; you can feel that through the pixels of it, so transparently. Phil’s love of Dan was not conditioned on anything: it was a terrifying but beautiful thing, and he wanted to preserve it, so even if it all went wrong he could say this is how i loved you. this is how you are loved, to me. you don’t have to want me back, but know that you were wanted, here, crawling into your own head sitting across from me in a city i’d like to call home with you, someday. so let me. and when you look at this photo of heart eyes Howell, cradling a bear, it’s louder than a blood rush: i love you.

[ID: Dan Howell sitting in the sunlight, looking outside the window while holding his phone. end ID.]

[ID: Dan Howell in a fuzzy hat, holding a stuffed bear against his face and looking at the camera with a small smile. end ID]

(sorry. it was necessary to include).

every year, Phil spills this oath into his camera roll. when Dan’s birthday arrives, Phil has a thousand candids to show for it, a thousand of silly and unflattering photos— a “loving” selection (7:41). exposing my heart a little here, but when you are someone who struggles with insecurity at some level, photos of you that are unflattering circling around feels horrifying. you want to be composed, and pretty, and loved— but then, maybe, it settles in that you are loved someplace beyond conditions. Phil chronicles these casual, vulnerable moments with Dan, and he shares them, because he loves Dan to a level past the flat logic of if he is composed, if he is pretty, then he is loved. Dan may be unattractive at points, but he is never unloved. never again.

these photos also demonstrate how much Phil romanticizes the little moments with Dan. watching him play Skyrim in VR; sitting beside him while he plays Elden Ring (3:40); admiring an oddly-shaped tear in his pants (missing citation); taken aback by a large poodle jumping into his lap. there are hundreds of photos of Dan taken by Phil which have escaped. imagine how many more linger. if we can go off of this (admittedly horrifying) tweet, we can envision a camera roll overflowing with him.

when they go on vacation, Phil takes soft photographs of Dan. here’s this love in a new city, just like we did fifteen years ago in Manchester, before i knew the right way to hold your hand, the right way to counter your cynicism, the right way to systemically reject every pet name because saying your name like a promise is enough— i’m putting this love into the world because i no longer live in a world where i go a second without it. Phil saves photos of Dan looking at him like he hung the stars, and he saves photos of Dan walking in front of him— he would never save them, as an Orpheus, but thankfully he doesn’t have to anymore, not after 2019— and he saves photos of Dan happy, because he wants to save that, too. Phil will save photos from every era of Dan’s life, but he wants those photos the most.

Phil has seen Dan perform in front of thousands. he has seen Dan pass out from standing up too quickly in their living room. he has seen Dan stumble home from a unexpected solo walk, he has seen Dan try to hide his fear-to-death in Phil’s childhood bedroom, he has seen Dan try to use a laundry machine, he has seen Dan in every way a person could: i love you.

Dan knows all of this. Dan sends Phil photos of himself when he’s solo traveling for his tour; the two of them almost never call, not unless Dan’s in a cab, but they regularly facetime. Dan winces at old photos of himself, but Phil coos at them.

Phil Lester is a romantic. he likes to hold his love to his chest— sharing photographs, but careful not to share too much. i think we under-estimate the shift Phil had to make, sometimes, in 2019: coming out was a major deal to him, too, even if he had already been out to some. more than that, coming out while Dan was also out is a very different experience. still, he likes to stay private, which is why we’ve not seen what i imagine to be hundreds of photos of Dan in Phil’s arms, or Dan kissing him on the cheek, or Dan asleep beside him in his bed (because we know how often he takes photos of Dan asleep, but i can't even begin to get into that right now).

even still, from what we can see, God, it’s everything, isn’t it? i can’t imagine what it felt like, for Dan, first trying to reconcile all of this. when you go so long without experiencing a safe kind of love, your reality fundamentally shifts. everything is brittle: you have to be hard enough to survive it, but not too hard to break the little you have entirely. half of you is a secret, the other half of you feels like it should be— who you are shifts, when you are loved, so in the reverse: when you go so long without it you feel displaced internally. when you find that love, you throw yourself entirely into it, expecting nothing but wanting everything. you punch a wall only to feel the plaster cradle your touch; you tell yourself you’d never turn back and you hate that need to; you expect to hit the sea but the wax never seems to melt. impossibly, you are okay. maybe i showed too much of my own heart there, but when i look at 2009 Dan, i see all of that. eighteen years old, and for the first time since he was a tiny child, he actually felt safe.

because Phil says Dan like it’s the sweetest word in the world. because Phil has a hunger for everything Dan creates. because Phil held Dan when he dropped out of university, picked up his first radio job with him, moved in with him, and never left. because Phil never treated Dan like an experience to hide away. Phil loved parts of Dan back into life.

because Phil takes photographs of Dan, everywhere in his life, to say: this is my world, now. you can’t take a photo in the daylight without capturing the sun. you can’t take a photo in the nighttime without capturing the absence of it. Phil says Dan’s name in every video, and he takes another hundred photos, because he’s so fucking sure about this love. there’s not even a question to be asked.

this is only a fraction of what there is to say about it, some messily constructed analysis, but it's hard to capture. i'd call Dan a lucky bastard, but it's hardly luck, is it? Phil makes the decision to love Dan every single day, and it might look quiet, but it's so unfathomably loud.

[ukiyowi]

𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒 𝐈

Note: These are my observations if it doesn't resonate scroll xx

Masterlist || Tip 🍯

𐂲 I've recently noticed, whatever sign your mars is in and whichever body part that sign rules, can often result in getting accidentally hurt or random in that part. (Example, Mars in gemini = getting hurt on arms/hands, in Capricorn = scalp/knees/teeth, in Aries = head/sometimes cheekbones, etc)

𐂲 One thing I've noticed about Virgo risings is how much they underestimate themselves, they also usually have trouble with anxiety and overthinking

𐂲 Mystic rectangles give a lot of balance to a person but it can also come with multiple internal hardships and conflicts (in forms of insomnia or mental illnesses) and they often need external help to reach their full potential

𐂲 Pluto - Neptune hard aspects especially squares bring into consideration the back and forth between transformation versus illusion, what I mean by that is they have trouble distinguishing patterns in their cycles and may think they're imagining changes rather than believing that it's real (I hope this makes sense I've been trying to word it for the past 5 mins)

𐂲 I know we talk a lot about Leo Risings having great hair but imo Pisces rising have such luscious hair, like they have sm volume and shine to them?? They also look like a waterfall, just flowing, it's so pretty <//3

𐂲 Saturn in 4th/5th/11th house can overshare on the internet about everything going on with their lives

𐂲 Pluto in 6th house feel powerful only when they're working, so they never stop and even when they feel burnt out, they feel their sense of self and self worth is only tied to what they can give, therefore they may face guilt when they try to rest.

𐂲 This is simply a personal observation/theory but I have noticed that people who have a lot of degrees that are higher in number like 20+ often feel more comfortable with people older than them especially if those degrees sit in Pluto or Saturn

𐂲 I've noticed Aries mercuries also have very heavy footsteps, you can hear the thump 😭

𐂲 12th house Pluto are their own best friend and worst enemy, they may enable bad habits for others and justify the same for themselves, HOWEVER once the natives know how to harness the power of Pluto and understand it better, they can be really influential because a lot of people may be subconsciously attracted to the power they possess.

𐂲 Can we talk about Leo risings and how good their self concept is? Like... Please teach me tysm

𐂲 LIBRA PLACEMENTS IN GENERAL HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME WITH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES I'LL CRY- I have a friend with Libra venus and she can never say no to someone especially if she starts liking them :// and it's so hard to see ppl just take advantage of her, I also have friends and relatives with Libra in the big 3 and not only are they complete givers, they also have such a hard time taking, they feel guilty.

✓✓✓ Going to be mean to some of my placements/aspects now

𐂲 Venus conjunct Mars are so fucking clingy but ALSO so flighty🤨🤨choose ??? Do you want to be in this relationship (platonic/romantic) or do you not, stop being so hot and cold (it may help if I tell you both of these are in gemini for me)

𐂲 Chiron - moon placements have mommy issues or wounds related to their mothers/maternal figures in their lives

𐂲 Jupiter virgos can be such doormats at times, just because you want to help people doesn't mean you keep emptying your cup to fill others'.

𐂲 Mercury in 1st have their self worth TIED to their intelligence, like stop flaunting your knowledge, low-key looks insecure.

𐂲 Jupiter opposition Uranus has such rebel without a cause energy, what are you going to "rebel" against now, please sit down for a second

𐂲 Mars Square Ascendant, people with this aspect are always ready to fight, feel like everything is a personal attack, and are terrible at being alone

✓✓✓ Back to your regularly scheduled programme

𐂲 Something I've wanted to say to each stellium I've met so far:

𐂲 Aries: You have a lot of life in you, hand some over🤲🤲🤲, seriously though you guys look at everything with such wonder and curiosity, you're also kinda impatient but that's fine with me :")

𐂲 Sagittarius: You're so cool, I want to be like you, introspective, self aware, your humour is a little concerning at times but you teach me so much all the time, you're the guide I've always wished for

𐂲 Leo: You're a born entertainer and at times I can be a bit envious because of how bright you shine, leaving me in the shadows, but I love you and your love for life regardless, you're a star

𐂲 Gemini: You are so stealthy in everything you do, sometimes you slip through the cracks, a trickster (affectionate), I love how you can be mischievous one second and completely serious the next

𐂲 2nd house: You're just so understanding and make me feel like home, it's like you are home personified, very warm and comforting, also so abundant in everything it's crazy

𐂲 8th house: Stop making me talk about my feelings I'll cry >:(( no but seriously, you guys have something about you that just makes people face what they're avoiding, and you are so good at empathising with them.

[robby-bobby-tommy]

Honestly, I can't stress enough how important the theme of family is in mdzs. IMO it is the main theme of the book. Of course romance and devotion is important, but there's something so special about the way families are portrayed in mdzs and how important they are. (I watched donghua and read some of manhua btw)

Let's start with sibling relationships:

The whole plot started because of love for a brother and rage for how unjust his death was. The whole Cloud Recesses arc is an amazing set up for Wangxian etc, but it also shows the complicated yet sweet relationship between WWX and JC. How they both care so much about each other, how they tease each other. IMO JC did see WWX as a brother and loved him as such. Every time he scolds Wei Ying, it's always about Wei Ying's safety. Usually it's not "How dare you use demonic cultivation, you're gonna get our clan in danger", it's " If you keep it up, I won't be able to protect you". Even during the Wen invasion, the they're still together, they sacrifice themselves to save another. And don't get me started about Jiang Yanli, she loves her brothers very much. Despite Madam Yu creating a competition between the boys or Jiang Fengmian's lack of action and even enablement of WWX' dangerous and irresponsible behavior, they still love each other. I can ramble about yunmeng trio so much, but in short despite everything they went through, they cared for each other deeply. After Jiang Yanli's death everything changes, because imo the boys fully internalized Madam Yu's last words. WWX bring pain and destruction to Yunmeng. I think I need to stop, or we'll be here all day.

Or, another example: Nie bros. Nie Mingjue had to basically raise A-sang. They do deeply care about each other, and despite everything they'll be here for each other. Yet the desire to protect NHS from sad reality of golden core and qi deviation, their relationship soured a little. But it's obvious even for an outsider like WWX, that NMJ loves his brother. He pressures NHS, because he feels that he's starting to lose it. He wants to prepare his little bro to be a decent leader and to live without him. And NHS literally makes it his life mission to avenge his Dage even if it means having a blood on his hands.

Lan brothers show a good brother relationship. Lan Xichen supports LWJ in everything he does. Even his love for WWX. He gets protective, when he thinks WWX is laughing at LWJ's feelings. Lan Zhan is deeply saddened when his brother is missing and helps him discover the truth about his best friend's death. They're almost perfect siblings. (Plus they're super funny when drunk).

MXTX deserves an award for writing so many different sibling dynamics. And that's not all, she also portrays this different parental relationship so interesting.

Like, the nephews you didn't want, but care so much about, that you don't want them to suffer like their father did (Lan Qiren and this family drama); the kid of your husband's unrequited love, whom he seemingly loves more than your own children (Yunmeng Jiang happy house), JGS and the myriad of the kids he has ect. I love this variety so much.

I just love so much how MDZS has so much themes. Every time I think about MDZS, I find more and more interesting points and moments that change my perception of the characters. Every character is so humain and has their own motivation, that I can't truly hate some of them (apart from Wen Chao, his mistress and JGS, they suck).

TLDR: MXTX is a queen of writing complex human characters.

[isa-ghost]

Phil and bagi hcs?

YOU HAVE JUST ENABLED A MONSTER.

I AM SO ABNORMAL ABOUT THESE TWO.

Also these will apply to AMFMN!! Because SURPRISE, if no one has checked the fic tags, her name is listed as a main character. ;) She'll be arriving in Chapter 6!! :D

I cannot fucking WAIT to expand upon their dynamic, which is funny because by the time Bagi shows up, Phil is possessed so it won't be exploration through direct interactions until the recovery period waaay later in the fic. Nonetheless it'll be hype! :D

qPhil headcanons masterlist

Phil is a member of the "Bagi can do whatever she wants forever" club. He supports her rights and wrongs and fully believes she could kick his ass no matter how unbalanced of a fight it'd be in his favor (disclaimer I don't actually know Bagi's exact pvp skill level 🤔)

Bagi is a member of the "God I want Phil to take me on a flight some day, I am so sad his wings are fucked up" club. (She would probably be terrified /pos)

I don't know what it is about their friendship but I feel like Bagi is so much more attuned to the way Phil thinks than the average islander. I guess I'd say it's because of how perceptive she is in general, especially with how she's a detective? Whatever it is, Bagi just has this talent for reading Phil like a damn book. And she won't hesitate to call him on his bullshit either. She's much like Fit in that regard. Crow man can't hide SHIT

Like fr if Phil ever gave Bagi reason to be concerned the first thing she'd do is start cornering those closest to him and either ask what's up or be like "hey Phil's on some shit rn, we gotta go force him to confess whatever stupid shit he's shouldering on his own and bottling up"

Phil has definitely been whacked with the frying pan for not venting and acting like he has to brave the horrors alone btw. Bagi's the type of friend that'll kick your fucking ass if you're not self-caring or being mean to yourself. (I am projecting LMAO)

Bagi isn't as Holy Shit We Could Die Any Second about things as Phil, but they're both very protective people, which can manifest in very volatile ways when they're hurt or angered by something (ie: Feds). I would not want to experience their individual wraths simultaneously.

Bagi is one of the top people Phil shows his gift giving love language to. Be it resources she needs, pictures he's taken of her/Em/Tina or of weird island shit, the means to complete cookie tasks, etc. She's one of the first in mind.

GOD Phil wants her to teach him how to wield a frying pan so badly. He's an excellent swordsman and bowman, but PAN?? The enjoyment he'd get out of it would be infinite, he'd love to be kicking ass while getting a laugh out of it bc pan go BONG when it hits a motherfucker.

If one needs something the other says yes no hesitation. They might ask each other a couple questions, but as soon as they have 100% clarity, they trust each other with the rest and know that if something goes wrong, whoever is present at the time will unleash hell on the person or monster that caused it.

I've somewhat already hinted at it but GOD the mutual admiration they have for each other!! Their wits and way with words, their natural sense of leadership, their determination to defend what they believe in, what they think is right, and the people they love, their specific expertise, the list goes on. They just think the other is so fucking cool and brilliant.

Tbh I think in the right circumstances they'd teach each other some lowkey fucked up tricks they have up their sleeves. Like Bagi giving Phil insight on manipulating people into giving the answers you're looking for by asking the right carefully worded questions, or Phil teaching Bagi the best spots to hit/hurt a person/mob to really do some damage just purely as a "hey if you ever find yourself in a Situation, here's a tip" thing

I don't know how better to show this without explicitly saying it: These two are not the other's fucking caretaker. Phil is not Bagi's father figure and Bagi is not Phil's mother figure. Yes, they can scold each other when the other is doing something dumb (cough, 7 hcs ago, cough). Friends do that. They support each other and call each other on their bs. That is not parenting, that's being a good friend. And they are to each other.

On that note, it hasn't come up too much yet but when shit sucks (like when the eggs were lost or lost lives), they're good at distracting each other. But like without halting the process of dealing with their emotions. If they're sad, they'll be sad together, but they're good at picking the right conversation topics to lighten the mood. If they're mad, they'll be mad together, and they'll plan what to do about it with each other.

I think I've sorta demonstrated it well enough in a couple of these hcs already but AUGH, they're just. So on the same page with each other almost all the time. And when they aren't, they're so good at giving each other perspectives they didn't think of before. Which, I don't mean to compare Bagi to her brother here, but is also how Phil and Cellbit can be with each other too; though they've somewhat fallen out of that sync post-Purgatory. The way the Mystery Siblings are so on the same wavelength as Phil makes me so *slams fist on desk*

Phil is normally a very Just Vibin' kinda guy but Bagi can get him into some really deep intellectual conversations sometimes and it's so 🍿🍿🍿 to watch

[silverbirching]

So I'm big mad, BIG MAD, about umbrella academy. I'm going to be purposefully vague but there may be spoilers. If you haven't watched season four, DON'T. Just don't. Pretend it got canceled after the flawed and aimless but still overall fun season 3. Grr, netflix, another great show canceled before its time, shake fists, etc.

You gotta understand, for all it's flaws, I love the shit out of this show. It's one of the foundational connections between me and my best friend. I felt like it saw the shortcomings of the MCU and the modern superhero wave and saw what the fandom was up to and went yeah, let's make a show for them. Let's make a show about messy, queer, codependent weirdos with wildly dysfunctional relationships built on an unshakeable foundation of love they refuse to acknowledge or cultivate. Let's make a show about hopeless traumatized trash goblins who happen to have superpowers.

I thought they got it, y'know? That the people who watched and loved the show weren't doing it because they were invested in the frankly bonkers and never-very-good plot about timelines and time travel and all that other bullshit fuckery. I thought they understood that what we loved, what kept us coming back, was the humor, the quirky tone, and the characters.

Luther the world's biggest puppy, learning that he isn't Superman and that's okay. Diego, never quite figuring out that he isn't Batman (because Batman is, y'know, smart) and that also being okay. Allison and her constant struggles to be a good person up against the fact that she has cheat codes enabled and can have literally anything she wants, at the cost of the free will of everyone around her. Klaus and his struggles with addiction and narcissism, dear sweet Ben and Alternate Universe Asshole Ben, Five the unbearable little shit who nonetheless loves his family in a way he wouldn't admit to under torture, Viktor and his journey to define what he is apart from his father and feelings of inadequacy. Prickly, at-least-30%-insane Lila learning to accept a family she wasn't looking for.

AND BOY HOWDY, DID SEASON FOUR FUCK IT ALL UP.

Character relationships? Reset to zero or not really touched on. Allison's slide into villainy after season 3? Treated as an awkward family in-joke. Her broken relationship with Viktor? Still broken, not fixed, but at one point they make eye contact and kinda smile so I guess that's our catharsis. Diego and Five come into conflict? Never resolved. The show ends with them hating each other. Lila and Diego? Same. Ray? Naw, who's got time for that. Sloane? Who? Oh, that chick. I think Luther mentions her once but who cares. Klaus? We don't really care about him so let's give him a three episode subplot that erases all his character growth and contributes fuck-all diddly squat motherfucking nothing to the overall plot. Ben? Still an asshole despite the time skip. Viktor? He's around I guess. He yells at his dad once. That was cool.

And nothing they did ever mattered, they never mattered, and now thanks to the bullshit timeline fuckery equivalent of "it was all a dream" (an INFAMOUSLY unpopular and audience-alienating way to end a story), they never existed. We were all stupid to care.

Man, fuck a lot of season 4.

[radioactive-earthshine]

I think sending Jason into space, specifically working with Vril Dox II in L.E.G.I.O.N. would be good for him and his character, and it would also be good for L.E.G.I.O.N. as well because it would make it fresh for new readers and give them a reason to care about it. Because L.E.G.I.O.N. is, as we now know, active in the main continuity but had been dispersed due to the United Planets plot.

They could actually launch this first as a new R.E.B.E.L.S. series and it follows Vril, his son Lyrl, Jason, and a few other select members as they work to reform L.E.G.I.O.N. and fight against the prevailing fascism of the United Planets which is working with Waller to isolate Earth.

So this series could reestablish a workable continuity for the space community which is important for the mainline universe.

What this would also do is give Jason a real opportunity to be developed in a space where Gotham is not a factor. It would let him grapple with his issues, his hangups, his questions of morality and use of force, his feelings of betrayal and anger etc etc all in the company of people who have also varying degrees of the same feelings.

Vril is a very morally dark grey personality who suffered extreme abuse at the hands of his own father and people who once wanted nothing more than to kill "Daddy Doxest". With the influence of his dear friend The Durlan he was able to dream about a better future and a better society where injustices are corrected, often with extreme measures that the Justice League of Earth would never think to do. His methods are lethal, they are underhanded, they are evil in some ways but always with the best of intentions. Not to get too much into his lore, he has gotten significantly less a cunt and no longer is actively trying to kill his father at all costs (as if DC would let him kill Brainiac).

His very meshes well with Jason because he could be a surrogate example of a Batman Jason wanted and never saw, but they also share a rage and an anger that mirrors each other.

Vril would enable him.

Lyrl, Vril's son - is also a little cunt that tried to kill Vril multiple times for multiple reasons through Looney Tunes comic logic. He too is on a shade of dark grey, who also suffered at the hands of his father who lobotomized him to save his life (sound familiar????). The lobotomy was reversed in Lyrl and comic events unfolded around him and Vril and they both managed to come to a neutral truce and understanding to just... exist.

We haven't had much development on either of these characters since R.E.B.E.L.S v2 ended pre-Flashpoint and House of Brainiac (2024) only showed us that they appear to be working together civilly.

Lyrl is closer to Jason's age and has a lot of that more youthful outrage of betrayal coupled with tempered violence that he's worked through for the most part.

ANYWAY my point is, throwing Jason into space with other people that aren't good or evil (mostly) who also have father-figure issues and complex relationship to family, morality, their ideas of justice and what a good society looks like might actually help make Jason develop.

And if you have a shipper brain Lyrl/Jason might not be so bad of a ship and they would both enable, compliment and contrast each other and make each other see other sides of themselves they didn't know they had.

But I mean, this is just me rolling things around.

[eggplantlilly]

So, wow…I think I’m a little heartbroken over that ending guys..fhjy ramblings after the cut..

I truly didn’t think kipperlilly was that conniving..like I thought she hated the bad kids in a way that we knew would be wrong but under the lenses of modern high school bureaucracy would show that capitalism/standardized tests/student loan debt/etc. and the way people feel they have to tear each other down to succeed was the true enemy.

I thought that the party was influenced by the corrupted rage god or possibly aligned with whatever chess game sol and galicaea are playing, but that it’s their party, their friends, so of course they loved Lucy and of course they tried to make Buddy comfortable.

I thought that since kipperlilly hated Riz since freshman year, of course it was something small and silly ossified into something large and unyielding.

But as we get closer to the end and see more of the rat grinders I think I’m absolutely wrong. To sacrifice your own cleric? The betrayal of trust is unimaginable.

Current, galaxy brain, paranoid theories now:

We seem to be lining up multiple gods who fall in two tracks - sun/bounty (Sol, Ankarna, Helio) and dark/cold (Galicaea, Cassandra, Ruvina)

We’ve heard about the games they play in domains and the fact that no one wants to share..but also that so below so above, I think there is a human enacted and god enabled conspiracy by a pair of unnamed gods trying to streamline the domains. Think of the conflict in Galicaea.

I think they wanted Lucy to switch to be both a follower of warmth and cold and when they murdered her they only counted the dark and always planned on killing Buddy (the last stand just accelerated it) as a sacrifice.

I think at least some of them intentionally killed Lucy (new thought for me as I was sticking to my surely the rat grinders loved her as we love her)

For a while I thought they might be using the devil’s honey in the cloud machine for a large area effect but I can’t imagine the sheer amount of honey you’d need based on Gertie’s baklava comment.

Maybe it’s my background showing but I wanted Buddy to see the metaphorical light and become more nuanced. I wanted him to have the room to grow.

I think the devil’s honey is going to be used to make people think the Bad Kids killed him and that’s why there is the worry about Fig and Bobby Dawn.

For real though the rest of the battle? The Bad Kida at their finest! No one went down, they fought connected and inspired and like a well oiled machine. If kipperlilly saw that I hope she was rattled. I hope she saw them pass something literally no one has before and realize their accolades are not empty and she’s going to have to get up earlier in the morning to get them.

Beautiful episode though, the last stand really showed their experience in all the best ways and was just really enjoyable to watch!

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Two hopefully lighthearted Buddie questions:

What are some Buddie scenes you really like that maybe are not talked about so much by the fandom?

Buck & Eddie go on a date. Not really their first one, just a date. What will they do?

Ooooh love these:

One of my favorite buddie scenes hands down in the entire show is when they’ve responded to the scene of Shannon’s accident, and Buck sees her first, and his immediate instinct is to protect Eddie from having to see her like that. I know it’s technically not really a BUDDIE scene but it’s one of my favorites earlier instances of them really showcasing how protective Buck is of Eddie.

I also really REALLY do love the scene in 7x9 in Eddie’s kitchen where Buck tells him he’s worried about him. Obviously, I’ve stated before that the whole Kim storyline pisses me off and there were plenty of ways they could have had Eddie go through some kind of dramatic shift in 7b without some wack-ass doppelgänger storyline, but the way that Buck’s devotion to Eddie was shown so clearly, as well as Eddie’s reliance on Buck is something so special to me because they really are exactly what each other need. Buck needs to feel like he is helping someone he cares about, and Eddie needs to know he’s not in this alone and they both fulfill that need for each other far beyond anyone else in their lives (with the exception of Maddie and Chris).

And lastly for buddie scenes, I am a huge fan of the just random blurbs we get of them. Goofing off on calls, enabling each other’s stupidity, blurry background shots of them being dumb, etc. I ofc think they are soulmates in a romantic way, but their friendship is still so dear to me, and those scenes where we just get to see them be goofs with each other just fill my heart w joy… ive not really touched on this but i’ve always been one of those people who really struggles to connect with people romantically unless we are already friends, and have always dreamed of one day marrying someone i consider to be one of my best friends which is one of the reasons why buddie is such a special ship to me.

Now, as far as buddie’s first date: I think there are so many options. My personal dream (as stated in my buddie paralleling bathena when they go canon post) would be that they go out for a nice dinner— nothing too fancy, but where eddie gets buck flowers, and they dress up, and enjoy a nice romantic evening together.

I could also see them doing something more fun like possible going to an axe-throwing place, or go-karting (like buck wanted to do w eddie in 7x1 👀) or going to the pier together.

But all of that said, i think it might be interesting for thier first date (whatever they do) to go absolutely terrible and one of them gets in their head about it and thinks that maybe they aren’t cut out for being a couple if they can’t even go on one date, and the other points out that they’ve kinda been dating for years, but that now they get to hold hands and kiss and tell each other “i love you” and let it be one of their first small hurdles bc it would in a sense be accepting the fact that neither of them are necessarily “good” at dating, but that they don’t have time be because they already care too much about each other… bonus points if we see a few failed sates before this confrontation, and after we get another date that they are both obviously not as nervous for, and it actually goes perfectly.

thank you for the ask, bestie! i really enjoyed thinking about this one 💕💕

[objectsarebestest]

So yesterday I saw a fairly disturbing post in the objectum tags and I’ve been planning this response ever since. I don’t know if I’m fully 100% ready, but I know that if I wait until I am the post will never be made. I’m not going to link the post this was triggered by or name the poster. Those who self-harm deserve respect and the help they need, not being targeted. I’m actually glad this post was made in a way, because it alerted me to a problem in the weapum community that I want to address.

The post ahead will discuss self-harm, which is why I will be putting it under a read-more. Do not feel pressured to read it if doing so would put you in a bad mindset or trigger you.

I’m weapum, which is an objectum microlabel for those who are attracted to weapons. Specifically, one of my object partners is a kitchen knife. His name is William, but I call him Will for short. He’s beautiful. The way his handle is shaped to give you the perfect grip, the way his serrated edge glints in the light, just everything about him. I think he might be my favorite knife in the whole world.

I also am an ex-cutter who struggles with self-harm urges. Honestly, the only reason I quit was because I can’t get away with it anymore. I still have the scars on my left thigh. They don’t look like self-harm scars. They’re not straight lines. They’re more wiggly marks, a couple round marks that look like holes, etc. But I know what they are. They are proof that I failed the body I live in.

When I discovered my crush on Will, I thought he was different. I felt secure with him. The way his blade shines felt like him smiling at me. Until the day I regret. I was alone. Always a bad sign. I went downstairs and opened the drawer that Will lives in. I felt like I was in a trance. I took him out and started running his blade over my skin. I was testing his sharpness. I don’t know what I was really planning on doing. Or maybe I just don’t want to admit it. As soon as I drew blood I snapped out of it and panicked. I ran upstairs crying and texted a mental health hotline.

I feel terrible. For using him like that. But there’s no way to erase what I did. I don’t want to say it ruined our relationship. We’re still dating. But it changed it, and not for the better. I feel this apprehension around him that I didn’t feel before. And his energy around me is definitely different. I wish I could erase what I did with him. Hurting myself with him nearly broke our bond. So when I heard that some weapum hurt themselves as part of their bond, I had to address it.

If your object partner is encouraging you to hurt yourself, you need to get rid of them. I had to learn this the hard way due to a skirt ex-friend of mine. It doesn’t matter if that object is saying that they tell you to hurt yourself because they love you, or because they’re your friend, or because it will ultimately help you. An object who really loved you wouldn’t do things like that. You can donate them, sell them, or throw them away. If they’re a weapon, there are mental health charities that allow you to mail your blades to them to help with quitting. You’re allowed to feel sad. You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to miss them. Just like I miss my skirt. But they are endangering you.

If you’re hurting yourself because you think that’s the best way to bond with your object partner, you’re wrong. There are so many things to do to bond with a knife other than self-harm. Me and Will cook together. That feeling of moving in unison while mincing carrots or slicing strawberries, watching the light hit his blade until we both feel electrified. But Will is designed for cooking. You can take your knife out hunting, use it to carve a wooden sculpture, learn knife throwing (safely and with the right kind of knife!) or just admire each other’s beauty.

If you have mental health problems that cause you to want to self-harm, like I do, that’s okay. It’s not a moral fault to be mentally ill. But your weapon partner is enabling you. Seek help. Real help. If you’ve tried that before and it didn’t help, try again. Keep looking. There is help out there. Your object partner should be proud of you for getting better. And if they’re not, they aren’t the right object for you. They don’t deserve you.

I hope this helps someone, even one weapum. Hopefully.

[cooki3face]

I think I saw something earlier or last night that said that men who refuse to grow up will find women who suit their lifestyles and the mental age in which they would like to be instead of growing up, learning to be a man, learning to fulfill his role he’d rather not do the inner work and stick to a constant who will allow him to be immature and will enable him. There are so many situations (especially those I’ve seen first hand) where a man will act out, will mistreat a woman in his life, and often times his dream girl as well, and fumble that girl/woman and not be able to find what it is that he desires on a deeper level any longer or for a really long time. I’ve also seen in other instances men acting out and the women in their lives being hurt by them and mistreated by them and not being able to put their foot down and not settle for his behavior and that further agitates the situation and creates so many delays. I talked about something like this a really long time ago “men will be with/choose who they feel suits their lifestyle best” this doesn’t even always have to do with the physical manifestation of one’s lifestyle either (quality of life, hobbies, passions, or career choices and aspirations) this can greatly have to do with emotional shortcomings, bad behaviors, bad habits, unhealed aspects of one’s mind and inner self, etc.

He wants to lie, be deceptive, mistreat women in his life you may see him cling to someone whom he perceives to be or IS emotionally immature, someone who cannot hold him accountable without holding herself accountable for her lack of healing, shortcomings, habits/behaviors. Someone who struggles with a lack of self worth, self respect, perhaps someone who has people pleasing habits, who may not be capable of putting herself first or leaving in an effective way.

After all, we all embody the energy that we most often attract and as people we mirror each other and are attracted to one another through energetic frequencies. This is why we find we often come across people, friends, romantic relationships, sexual relationships or connections with others that cause deep and profound inner purging or emotional distress. Many of us have unhealed aspects and there are plenty of others whose issues cast light on our own. Those who choose to learn to be better and live a life that requires expansion and growth will learn and those who do not will remain in a space of stagnancy or create delays for oneself.

[aziraphales-library]

Hello there! Hoping it’s not too much trouble but I read a couple of actor fics (Crowley and Aziraphale are actors in shows/movies etc) and really loved them. Slow Show and That Gay Pirate Show, I loved them, the writing, atmosphere, setting! I was wondering if there were any recommendations? Also just some personally favorites with that kind of vibe would be happy additions to my list! Thank you very much

Hi! We have an #actors au tag that you can check, and you'll also find fics with a similar vibe on our #famous crowley and #famous aziraphale tags. Here are some more actor fics to add to the collection...

Let's spend the night together by HolRose (M)

Actor, A.J. Crowley is having a perfectly normal day when he is hailed in the street by someone he hasn’t seen for over thirty years. His reaction is initially one of dismay, but as the two old friends spend a revelatory night in each other’s company, facts come to light that will enable him to piece his fractured life back together, and old wounds will finally be healed.

An AU set in Northern Ireland during the Troubles, and London in 2018.

This is a human AU that can be read as a stand-alone story without reference to the other works in the series.

All the World's a Stage by Ineffable lawr (M)

Agnes, Nutter, an eccentric director with an almost prophetic ability to create hit theatrical shows brings together a cast of wonderfully talented and unique actors to create a new production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Aziraphale is a classically trained method actor, known for being a bit of a diva, and Crowley is a musical theatre actor known for being a spontaneous and bold performer with a bit of a bad reputation. The journey from audition to opening night will be a rocky one, but they might just end up finding something wonderful.

no more unhandsome by Waywarder (M)

Aziraphale and their best friend Anathema are starting their own Shakespeare Company, and Aziraphale dreams of playing Rosalind in their inaugural production of As You Like It.

But then rival actor (and admitted flash bastard) Anthony J. Crowley shows up at auditions.

Welcome to the As You Like It-inspired Good Omens Shakespeare Company AU! Thanks for being here!

To The Stars by Fyre (T)

In 1999, a television programme aired that would quickly become a cult classic. 20 years on, join the crew of the NSS Galaxy Quest as they embark on the most exciting adventure of their lives.

Galaxy Quest AU - Update schedule - every Sunday

The Only One I Still Know How to See by Furuba_Fangirl (E)

Aziraphale has been an admirer of Anthony J. Crowley for years. However, the gap between audience member and stage actor begins to thin when they are given the chance to officially meet.

All's Fair in Love, War, and Show Business by sapphose (T)

Crowley is given one last chance to save his floundering acting career when he is offered a role in a new musical adaptation of the beloved book, "The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch." Unfortunately, he'll be acting opposite Aziraphale, the ex he hasn't spoken to in over a decade and with whom he is definitely not still in love. When Crowley's past comes back to haunt him, he and Aziraphale must decide whether to repeat their actions from years prior, or to take their unexpected second chance and try again.

- Mod D

[selfproclaimedunicorn]

Hi, first of all your fic is amazing, well written and just perfect. But I have couple of requests - 1. Can you describe to me how the children of Yorick's and Ella's children ? - it will be really cool. 2. Can you write Rhaenyra more kindly - I know that you lean more to the green side (me too) but I just feel that you are going to make her "evil" - but she isn't, she is indeed very self absorbed but she was groomed by daemon. (Don't get me wrong not all blame is on him, but still). So I just wanted to ask from you to not make her "evil" - just human with problems and etc.... ( of course, only if you wish too ) 3. Can you make Yorick's and Ella's children to be friends with Rhaenyra's children too ? 4. How does their children ( Yorick and Ella) see their grandfather daemon ? Do they even meet him ?

Again, your fanfic is amazing and I really really like it, one of the best in the fandom. So thank you for this beautiful fanfic ❤️

Oh my God, this is so incredibly sweet thank you so much for taking the time to send this ask! I'm gonna answer in parts since it's so long & you have so many questions (which, I am not upset about, I genuinely enjoy in depth talks about my fic. I just don't want to forget to address something!

So, the fic is going to go on long enough that we meet & spend time with Yorick & Ella's children & some of them are going to get POVs! I don't want to spoil all of that, so I'm going to keep it kind of vague, I hope you don't mind!

Yorick & Shireen are going to have 7 by the time we reach the end of season 1/they're done having kids: Rhea (who's face reference is Anna Popplewell, & she has hetrochromia like her Aunt Ella. I have some art of her here. She's gonna be shipped with a canon character, feel free to speculate 💕), Stannis (he's introduced as a toddler in the chapter I'm currently working on & am maybe half way done with? His face reference is Skandar Keynes & I've written about his relationship so I feel like I can just drop his relationship with Helaena here), Baldric (who's face reference is Ferdia Walsh-Peelo, & he's the same age as Daeron & Jace), Myranda (who's face reference is Georgie Henley. There's a distinct pattern going on here, lmao), Yorbert (no face reference, because he's super young & I don't like looking for FCs that young), Argella, & Laenor.

Ella & Robert are going to have 3 kids: Griffith (who's face reference is Harry Gilby), & the twins Aerea & Adrienne (who both use Olivia Hussey as a face reference).

Stannis, Griffith, & Baldric are gonna be Aegon's Teenage Bro Squad, with Stannis & Griffith very much being the voices of reason in this squad. Rhea is going to develop a friendship with Helaena, as well as being besties with her cousin Abby (who was made by the lovely @emilykaldwen), & I honestly don't know if there is a voice of reason in that friend group. The girls are doing great though. Myranda & "The Rose Twins" are a bit up in the air beyond "I know they're friends with each other," but honestly I've got so much time to figure them out. Those girls are all only 14/13 by the time The Dance starts.

Hard agree with you on Rhaenyra not being evil & just being a flawed individual who had some of her worst traits exacerbated by her grooming & relationship with Daemon, as well as Viserys enabling her at most turns. I think the issue with my writing of her seeming mostly uncharitable in this particular fic is just that we aren't really delving into her POV & we're just seeing her actions as interpreted through those on the receiving end, for better or worse. That said, I would definitely be open to writing side drabbles & rehashes of scenes from her POV if anyone had suggestions or the like. If you're super interested in a Definitely More Overtly Kind reading of our dear Rhaenyra, my next fic I plan on working on might be for you! Once SOTF is wrapped up (y'know, eventually), I'm going to sit down & plot an AU about a sister-by-Aemma OC, & that fic is going to be as much about their sisterly relationship (& it's improvement over the years) as it is going to be about the OC's relationship with a certain Master Of Ships. I've already written a drabble set in that fic from Rhaenyra's POV if you want to check it out!

TBH, I am not 100% sure what the Yoreen & Robella kids' relationships with Jace & Luke is going to be. They're not really going to have as much exposure to them as they are the Targtowers just by virtue of the slow degradation of Rhaenyra's & the Twins' relationship, but they're not going to be unfriendly to them, they don't really have a lot of reason to be. Honestly, it'll probably be like my relationship with my own cousins "I like them when I'm around them, but we never spent time together growing up, so we aren't close." If it makes you feel better, my very unserious but incredibly fun modern AU has Rhaenyra's sons as fully integrated parts of the friend group. Everyone is doing a lot better in the modern AU & no one dies (well, except Alicent's mom & Aemma. RIP queens, y'all served while you were here)

And hoo boy, the Grandpa Daemon question. I was actually talking about that with Nat/emilykaldwen this morning so you have wonderful timing, lmao. It's very complicated. The ones who are alive at the time (Rhea, Stannis, Griffith, Baldric, Aerea & Adrienne, Myranda, & Yorbert) don't meet their grandpa until Laena's funeral, but they're all kids & Yorbert is only 3. The two youngest (& in a way, Yorbert too) don't meet him until Rhaenyra & Daemon come to King's Landing to push for Luke inheriting Driftmark.

The oldest ones all know "we don't talk about Grandpa Daemon," & they do their best to keep the youngest ones away from him while their child brains are only parsing that they don't want to get in trouble with their parents--they don't know the reasons for anything yet, they just know "we don't talk about Grandpa Daemon." It gets more complicated for them as they get older & learn more about their family history, & honestly I don't think any of the oldest ones like him, but in that kind of abstract way where "someone I love doesn't like this person, so I don't like them either even though I don't know them like my loved one does." Myranda has the best relationship with him because she's mostly neutral on him. She actually seeks Daemon out at Laena's funeral because she wants to meet her other grandpa, but they never really bond. He would like to bond with his grandkids, I think, but he kind of burned that bridge of having that particular family when he murdered his oldest kids' mom. Like, he looks at Yorick's kids & Ella's kids, & even though he hasn't met them he's just sprinkled all over that gene pool, & he can see it & he wants to interact, but those kids have all been told not to hang out with him & it's just really messy & honestly kind of sad within the fic's existing/upcoming text. Once again though, modern AU is very different. He's in his grandkids' lives in that one & he is thriving because he's not being deprived of Favorite Grandkid Myranda Who Thinks He's Great & Tells Him Every Day.

[cancerian-woman]

u like hanna but not caroline?

alright friend. let me be clear 😃.

Hanna and Caroline are different even if they have a typical girly tastes. Hanna was a good friend, good girlfriend to each of her partners, and never distracted from the main plot since she was (and all 3 main girls) were essential to the plot. Whereas Caroline wasn’t as needed her storyline seemed done in s2 outside of her getting kidnapped, tortured and dating someone new 3-8…no one ever addressed Caroline accepting gifs or Klaus help/enabling some emotional connection to him while still having some ties to Tyler.

my issues with Caroline are because of writing not the character type itself though I’ve faced harassment for 6 months+ because someone couldn’t understand. The narratives that were pushed through Caroline are why she gets the criticisms.

Ex: Caroline and Bonnie should be on the same level as characters since they aren’t the leads.(Elena,Damon, Stefan level…)However, Caroline being white and Julie’s favorite to write for(she has admitted this) she’s placed on a level that Bonnie isn’t on. Caroline doesn’t push the plot or lore the way Bonnie/The Bennett’s had ex: The Petrovas/Bennetts, The Mikaelson’s had a Bennett, Grams helped the Gemini coven etc etc.. Caroline gets the screetime and romances that gives her visibility she shouldn’t have had over Bonnie. When it comes to Bonnie’s emotions it becomes clear in those smaller moments she sees her feelings as a burden while Caroline we get all of them so forefront

Bonnie’s written off by millions of fans as a diversity hire for Kat and plot-device to everyone…when her family is apart of the lore! You have white witches like Freya who’s tasked up until s5 with saving her family, Davina was the savior to Kol’s problems and Hope literally calls herself a martyr in legacies. She’s the strongest of her friend group thus makes all the sacrifices and becoming the tribrid is one in itself.

So what was the difference from Bonnie/The Bennett’s and the other women from the fans to the writers? Being black or brown (in Qetsiyah’s case) I don’t hate Caroline but what I do dislike is how her gain is all from Bonnie being lessened. None of these witches should’ve been tasked with serving anyone. I think it would’ve been cool as fuck to see them all team up. Women > but you know this isn’t the place for that. On Caroline I tag my posts as anti to be respectful to other fans. No one wants to enter a tag seeing hate for someone they like, tumblr etiquette….

The feminine/snarky/fun character type was never my issue with Caroline. Brooke Davis IS one of my favorite characters of all time too & she embodies the feminine/snarky/fun but serious type. Hanna has her moments where she isn’t the best either but she was never a self-insert. That’s the divide here.

[hamelinsnightmare]

hello! i'd like to start a stimboard blog, but i have not a clue where to find resources/how to format/etc. do you have any tips/resources on how to start a stimboard blog? itd be appreciated, thank you in advance <3

how to make stim blog & stims: informal guide by hammy

1- its best to use desktop instead of mobile tumblr. while you can technically do it on mobile, i wouldnt recommend it because mobile tumblr breaks format often.

2- when making your own gifs, it is recommended to make your gifs in a 1:1 ratio format, so basically a square (100x100 ratio).

3- if you are using other peoples gifs, always remember to keep track of whose gifs you are using and properly credit to the best of your ability. i usually start my posts in my drafts and then use my likes to keep track of what gifs i use, but you can also save drafts with them and stuff to not lose them. link to the direct post, do not just @ the blog, thats the best way to credit but as long as you make a conscious effort to credit its not a big deal

4- format wise its up to you man its your blog and you get to do what you want, but i will say that when crediting the way i do with emojis or Xs or whatnot, it is better to have a space between each item so that on tumblr mobile it doesnt merge the links or break the credits

(good: x x x / x x x , bad: xxx / xxx)

5- tags, how you handle requests, dni, etc are all up to you, whatever works best for you. but please keep in mind that you should probably tag triggers if making any sensitive content or marking it with tumblr's new mature content labels and stuff, though trigger tagging might be better bc the content labels tumblr has might hide your post from people who unknowingly have the "do not show posts" enabled

6- ezgif dot com is your friend. i dont have photoshop or anything so i basically live off of it lol. btw, might want to have an adblocker for it though since some of the ads can take up too much space

7- ?????? i think thats it, im pretty tired ngl

I do appreciate you coming to me and asking about it, it means I must be doing something right /lh

EDIT: I almost forgot! tumblr does weird shit to gifs on here so if you are using someone elses gifs, how to download them properly: right click + open image in new tab, the end of the url will be ".gifv", get rid of the v in the url (".gif") and then press enter to refresh the page. THEN you save that image. otherwise it will be in garbage webp unusable shit