#but I'm watching it with the clarity of an adult

[aha-chuu]

I revisited voltron and tbh we were wrong guys, Klance wasn't that obvious and Lance's insecurities were lowkey just. Correct takes on his own weaknesses.

[theygotbitchesinmedia]

Started murderbot on the plane today. Let's look back on what I screenshotted and try and remember why

Ok first screenshot. Easy mode. Wanted to pay respects to a polyamorous king and his seven children by various partners

I think here I was going to point out that the prose in this thing is just. Not particularly inspiring. Right now in my post-travel clarity the thing I've read most recently whose prose style lines up with murderbot is the animorphs books. Which is absolutely not an insult because I loved those fucking books, but I don't want books written for adult audiences to remind me of books written for elementary schoolers.

"You may have noticed that when I do manage to care, I'm a pessimist." Ugh. I'm interpreting the style in the most favorable way I can and assuming that we're more or less supposed to view murderbot as having the angsty broody personality of a sulking teen. Taking the prince of darkness out for a walk. And that were not supposed to take it too seriously

I will say I'm kind of disappointed in How human murderbot is. When I heard the premise "killer security robot who goes rogue and binge watches a bunch of tv" this isn't really what I was expecting. Obviously I am just on the first novella but rn murderbot feels indistinguishable from like a loner space merc character. Like as in the This Is A Robot stuff just isn't hitting like I wish it was.

I think it's really not helpful that we aren't introduced to any more "standard" sec units to compare murderbot too. Are they even "standard?" How much personality do secunits typically have? Are permitted to show? Not knowing that makes it impossible as the audience to actually understand what makes our main character an outlier from its peers, which is kind of a critical point of failure for characterization

But at least we know it can /j with the best of them

[willowser]

"hey,"

you don't know how long katsuki's been standing over you saying it, but the minute you come to, you realize that's the sound that had been echoing over and over in your dreams.

"hmm?" you blink him into clarity before stretching out over your pillow, extending one arm far above your head. there's a crack in your back and your ankles that relaxes you to a dangerous amount. "what?"

katsuki's home; it's one thing that makes your heart lift, as you bury half your face in the comforter. he's fresh from a shower, the sharp smell of his body-wash trickling into the stale air that's been trapped in your room, scrubbing it clean.

there's a frown on his face, deeper and softer than usual. "the hell are y'doin'? you been in bed all day?"

all day; you force yourself to sit up a little straighter, wincing from the over-tired headache that awakens in your skull at the movement. sure enough, it's light outside, albeit gray and dull. still rainy, urging you to stay in and all cuddled up.

you ignore his question, furrowing your brows as you put two-and-two together. "i thought you were working through the night?"

the sigh he lets out is long and heavy, sounding like it's been trapped in his chest for a while, and he slumps with it down onto the bed. sitting beside your sprawled out form, eying you carefully as his hand goes to rest on your hip over the blanket. he ignores your question, too.

"i called you twice and you didn't answer."

"did you?" you roll, feeling suddenly like a slob then, as you pat around the sheets and under the pillows until you find your phone. katsuki called you three times, and texted you twice; once to tell you he loved you, and another to tell you to pick the hell up. "i'm sorry, my sound must have been off."

the shift written on the fridge calendar read until early, early tomorrow morning; you're sure of it. there's no way you've slept that long, and the afternoon outside speaks to that, too. and if you weren't answering when he called, and now he's here, then —

tears sting deep in your eyes and you rub them so he won't know. "ugh, god, i'm so sorry." when you sniff, his hand tightens on your hip. "please don't tell me you came home 'cause of me."

but he doesn't say anything, and if you move your hands away, he'll see. it's no secret that katsuki's an early riser, and any amount of time he loses to sleep is a waste, he thinks, especially on his off days, or if he is able to spend the morning with you before going in late. sleeping in longer has always made you feel a little embarrassed; here is this pro-hero whose hours are twice as long as yours and yet he still finds time to workout and clean and cook and function like an adult human being.

katsuki doesn't say anything and when his weight disappears from the bed, you peek out to watch him toe off the boots he's still wearing and shrug out of his sweatshirt. even though your angled half-way on his side of the bed, he doesn't seem to mind, crawling in behind you to pull your body flush against his.

the familiar heaviness of his arm over your waist is comforting, but your desire to nestle down for another nap is a shame you struggle to fight off.

his nose strokes back and forth across your shoulder, like he's thinking until he finally mumbles, "'s'wrong with you?"

you don't know. you've just been feeling — down lately. a want for some isolation and too weary to keep up conversation. now guilty, that you've made him skip out on work because you couldn't get the hell out of bed.

you're going to cry again and so you turn into him, pressing your frown and hot tears into the fabric of his tank top. "i don't know," you choke, "i'm sorry i made you—"

"god, stop," he grunts, resting his forehead in your hair, his lips near your temple where your headache is throbbing. "don't apologize to me." you're frowning too deep to speak, so you just nod. the flex of muscle in his arm is obvious against your back, hands probably fists now, as he tightens his hold on you. pulling you so close that your cheeks squish. "what—" he cuts himself off with another sigh, tucking his head down so he's almost completely encapsulating you.

trying, you think, to be what you need even if he doesn't know what that is.

katsuki thinks in solution, what he needs to do next to prevent something from happening again. whether it's work related or something tumultuous rocking your relationship, he's always been so progressive, so now what?

but you don't know what you need, either.

"i don't know," you sigh, wiggling until he pulls back so that you can look at each other. "i just don't feel like myself, i guess."

he uses the pad of one thumb to wipe at your wet face, a little roughly, and when you sniff, his nose crinkles meanly. "snot-nose."

"hey," you whine, reaching between you to jab at his ribs until he squirms, ticklish even if he won't admit it. a fat kiss is planted on your forehead and you give him a small, sincere smile, even if your head still aches.

"come eat with me," he commands lightly, rubbing a hand across your stomach, resting on your ribs when you stretch and your shirt shifts up your body.

"and then we can take a bath?" you grin at him, poking at his cheeks as they warm just a bit, though he's quick to bite you, trapping your finger gently between his teeth until you can tug it away.

"yeah," he says, pressing his nose against yours, "because you stink,"

"katsuki!" you squeal, swatting him when he laughs into your neck. "you're not supposed to bully me when i'm sad!"

he simply hums, staying curled into you, stroking his thumb across your skin. "don't turn the sound off on your phone when you're home." when you mumble out a apologetic agreement, he pulls back to look at you, face light and teasing. katsuki doesn't always play with you like this, doesn't always have the energy, but he's doing his best now.

trying, to be what you need.

he squishes your cheeks in his hand until your lips are puckered. "and if you don't wanna get outta bed, then i'll drag you everywhere."

"will you stuff me in your clothes so that i can just go wherever you go?"

he snorts, shaking his head like that's the silliest thing he's ever heard — but he sighs and eventually nods. "yeah, deal."

you smile at him, even if he stinks, too. "deal."

[astroangel23]

Pick an Image: A Message From Your Inner Child 🤍🧚‍♀️

your inner child has something they would like to say; let me know how it resonates for you, enjoy!

Helloooo pile 1! Your inner child wants you to know that it's never too late! You may feel as if you've let your dreams pass you by or laid your imagination to rest in order to get a grip on your physical world as an adult, but they are letting you know that your imagination is still running wild in the background, probably in your dream state. They're proud of you for focusing on building a stable life for yourself. You could find yourself feeling blue a lot of the time in order to keep the stability going. Your inner child wants you to know that there is always time to do the things you love, even as an adult. Life doesn't have to be so serious to be considered successful. Find a healthy balance between work and play. Focusing on building your coin has brought out a more cold side to you since you have put so much on your plate. You are walking the right path towards your goals but it's entirely okay to have fun on this path as well. Honestly, keeping your inner child alive will bring more movement and clarity upon your path moving forward, so if there's something you always loved to do as a child or dreamed of doing, make plans towards bringing that alive ✨ - Astro Angel 💚

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Hi pile 2! Your inner child wants to warn you of moving too fast. There may be something that you urgently want to move towards, but this situation or this offer is not what it seems. You could be moving off of emotions instead of logic at the moment and your inner child wants to guide you away from the self sacrificing pain that could possibly come from impulsive actions. There are some manipulative energies surrounding this situation or this energy is you striving to control the narrative or the outcome and you're being guided to leave out this prideful energy. I'm watching Coraline atm & he just said "don't go through the little door" I really feel as if there's something here that isn't what it seems to be. I feel that your commitment to yourself, to your self respect is being tested rn. Are you going to jump at the first offer or are you going to wait until something is truly worth your time & energy? Are you going to give your inner child the best or just give them the bare minimum? - Astro Angel 💌

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Hope you are well, pile 3! Your inner child wants you to know that you are good enough just as you are. I feel that this pile is very aware of their inner child and already strives to nurture that part of themselves. As much as your inner child loves and appreciates this, they want you to know that it's safe to put your sword down. It's important to know that only we can allow others to hurt us. Whenever someone catches an attitude with you or is rude towards you for absolutely no reason, we have all the control to whether or not we're going to let it tear us down or not. Your inner child wants you to know that you carry the power, your mind carries the power to overcome any struggles throughout any day, it's safe to trust your adult self. Let the energy of your inner child shine through to see the lighter side of situations. There's no need to fight the world anymore. Your inner child is offering you a huge cup of overflowing love to find compassion over impatience and anger rn - Astro Angel 💚

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Welcome to your reading, pile 4! Your inner child simply wants to thank you for putting in all of the work you are putting in day to day. They also want you to know that you have come so far when it comes to listening to your intuition. You have protected yourself from the wrong people that would have led you down karmic paths. You've left out the people that would have just kept you up at night contemplating the worst case scenarios. Instead, you've given that cup of love to yourself in order to heal to become a healthier version of yourself and they are so thankful for this! Your inner child admires you. Keep living out your days with a childlike imagination, never settling for less than you deserve because it is doing nothing but bringing you continuous growth and expansion in this life! Do take time to reflect on all of the transformations you've gone through. Give yourself the credit where it's due! 🧁🥳 - Astro Angel 💚

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[putnamcapital]

s1 ep 6 rewatch notes

[yeah i am still doing these essays, everyone copes differently OKAY]

I wish i had the words to convey my love for the Simon-Rosh-Ayub dynamic when they’re sitting on his bed trying to talk about his video, not the Kim K. video. it’s an instance of one of the things i ADORE about YR, namely, the importance of the love and support of friends - “the gang is back together”. contra a lot of the teenage and adult movies that put romantic love on a pedestal and everything else goes to the dogs.

That shot of Wille set against the sky when the Queen leaves = is it the apocalypse or is it heartbreak and i'm not the only one seeing the religious imagery right?

“we haven’t done anything wrong.” Simon’s moral clarity, his unbreakable backbone - it’s a moment where it’s obvious the Court has no idea who they are dealing with. I’m not sure Wille even knows then.

Frida doesn’t get enough praise for her acting. that side eye of August as they cross in front of him loafing on the picnic table: sublime.

Another parallel I hadn’t seen before: Sara dresses up before dinner; she likes the image she sees of herself in the mirror. She is “someone she is not”, according to Simon (later that night), but she wants that false countenance. In S2, that same move will devastate Wille. But we have another Sara-mirror scene, in S2. Leaning on the Wille-Sara parallel, there’s something being done here about becoming who you are through artifice (dressing up ‘in costume’) or through love (revealing your true self). August (as opposed to Simon, i think …) ends up being a false or traitorous ‘coming into self through love’ for Sara.

Related … when Sara went to see August to confront him about the video, i have retrospectively imagined her as having planned what happened. But if you look at the scene as it happens, both Sara and August seem to just be playing the situation as it arises. Sara starts off by not even intending to tell August, I think that was honest. When she then confronted him about the video, she first asks why did you do this to Wille and then, how do you have the right, you destroyed Simon? none of it is about her. it’s when August asks her ‘what do you want’ - that i think the idea comes to her. And i think that explains her face after she kisses August - her revulsion at herself. it seems like a situation that spiralled out of control very fast.

i can’t really talk about the Sara-Simon fight scene because it’s my Point of No Return in terms of “This is a nice program to watch of an evening” and “These characters have become my entire waking and sleeping existence, is there treatment for this.”

in the scene that starts with them sitting on the floor in Wille’s room, there is that tender moment by the door, and one of the top two kisses and hugs in the whole of season 1 and 2 combined, punctuated with the forehead tap. and i’ve always thought it so lovely until this time i saw the “red flag” - the towel hanging on the hook - and it reminded me of the red ‘flag’ we see in the locker room every other time things go south.

the scene with kristina and wille in the car starts simply with him saying, “WHAT?” which a) comes straight out of fanfic; b) is hyper-realistic adolescent approach to dialogue but also c) actually shows that they are really close. as in, Wille might loathe his mother by the end of this episode, but also he knows exactly what she’s thinking and they can just skip all the usual staging aspects of conversation. it links, i now see, to the book scene, where wille admits that he can’t just throw out everything he’s been taught, b/c he’s internalized it so well

when K is lecturing W about all the public attention he’s going to get now, and how it will be even worse, it’s the same shot of him looking out the car window wishing he could be literally anyone else as in the first few minutes of s1ep1, after the club fight. and we see his reflection in the window, so we get him 'in double' - who he is IRL, and who he is seen to be by the viewer. very clever. very clever.

[unknownpisces002]

GREEN MILE.

“ Losing my mind, think I look good when I’m really just high. Scared of my life, can a bitch get by? Sick of listening to everyone else. Sick of my pride, sick of just saying shit, just to be nice. Sick of this world, how do I get by? Miles running wild in my head.”

Giovanna Ramos X Black Fem.

Summary

“Clarity is a state of mind. And freedom ain’t real either, so who’s sold you that lie?” A love story told in a therapy session, about two young girls that were once mad for one another. By a recovering drug addict, who’s life revolves entirely around the green mile of North Carolina.

That she so desperately wants to escape.

Word count: 2,259

Themes: friends to lovers, LGBT, derealization, coming out of the closet, growth, homophobia, substance abuse, summer, violence, mental health, religion, family problems and secrets, young adults, mature, self discovery, eventual fluff, eventual smut, therapy, North Carolina, countryside, poverty, trauma, urban romance, urban fiction, ghetto.

Divider by: @firefly-graphics

Author’s Note

hi everyone! this is a story that i decided to transfer over from my wattpad account. that i recently just started at the end of december. because i felt the need to share it here, over on this platform as well.

so that all of you guys would also be able to read/ give me feedback on how it is, and what you’d like to see occur? as the story progresses on. so i hope that you all like it, and also feel free to follow me on wattpad as well! my username is supersensitivepisces on there 🧚🏽

also, inspiration to create this story? came from my love for Giovanna. ( she’s so aesthetically pleasing flf me.) as well as a movie that i had been watching, the day that i decided to publish this onto my account back in december.

PROLOGUE.

" I'll never meet a girl like you again. Out of everything I lost, I lost a friend. Tryna get over you, tryna convince myself every night. It's just another night, even though deep down I'm traumatized."

HASSAN

4 hassan

U r the omega of my heart. The foundation 4 my concept of love, when I think of what a black woman should be. It's you that I first think of.

_____________________________________________

U will never fully understand how deeply my heart feels for you. I worry that we'll grow apart, and I'll end up losing you.

____________________________________________

U bring me to a climax without sex, and u do it all with regal grace. U r my heart in human form, a friend I could never replace.

____________________________________________

– from gio.

___________

11/7/18

Oak City Therapy

Lillington, NC

" When I was younger, around like five or six years old? I used to bug my mom and tell her about how I wanted to be a firefighter. So I could save lies and put out fires? Like the people who I'd watch on tv would do."

Tapping the tips of her fingertips onto the dark oak wood coffee table, that was located in the center of the dim lit office room. Giovanna kept her head facing downwards.

Finding that, refusing to make direct eye contact with her therapist of 3 years, who was named Marsha? Was far more comfortable and peaceful for her nerves, as well as her emotional state.

That had so desperately wanted to crumble and falter, into tiny small pieces of despair. But you see, that was the one thing on this fucked up planet, we call earth? That Giovanna was against.

Showing emotions and allowing herself to be vulnerable? Were just two things she'd rather die over, before she'd allow them to be seen by the entire world.

Or in this specific case? Her friends, along with her father. Who had played a humongous part, in why she chose to be nonchalant while acting unfazed? About majority of the things that would occur inside of her life.

".. I too? Used to dream of being a firefighter myself. When I was around that exact age, but I'm assuming that specific dream of yours must've gotten lost. Somewhere down the line as you aged up? If you aren't uncomfortable telling me about why or how? That occurred.."

Marsha eased her way into questioning the young woman who sat before her, slowly and hesitantly. Making sure that each of the words she'd spoken? Came out soft, in a calm and delicate manner.

As she leaned her backside up against her office chair, with eyes full of hope and wonder. That held a bit of gloominess inside them as well too. Once she noticed the way that Giovanna's breathing had begun to pick up a bit.

Just as her short, but not too short fingernails, that were painted a matte black color? Had begun to dig into the surface of the desk she sat at. Almost as if she were trying to dig a deep hole into the center of it, that would allow her to shield and hide herself away?

From having to answer the difficult question? That had been asked of her.

" ..I wouldn't say that my passion to accomplish that specific dream? Got lost. Because even after my mom had passed away, from having cancer? Apart of me still wanted to pursue that goal. But at the same time? Another part of me, like the part that held high hopes and expectations for things? Had diminished inside of me completely, after I lost my mom.."

" ..And I'm not really sure that if me being an only child, plays a part in that? Because don't get me wrong, I was loved wholeheartedly? By both of my parents equally when I was younger. But I don't know...sometimes now? Like when I'm alone or high from being off pills or something? I start to realize that really? It was only my mom that had loved me wholeheartedly back then.."

" Instead of it being my dad."

" And why is it, that you feel as if your father doesn't love you Giovanna?" Marsha continued to ask all the questions, that were written down onto her clipboard hesitantly.

Feeling an unsettling sensation begin to wash over her slowly. When Giovanna had taken it upon herself to shift around inside her seat. Which allowed the left sleeve of her oversized sweatshirt to rise. And give Marsha the opportunity, to catch a glimpse of all the fresh and faded scar markings that were present there.

From Giovanna, inflicting a significant amount of self harm unto herself.

" I know that he doesn't love me? Because he's voiced that statement every single day. Over the last twelve years? Repeatedly." Giovanna chuckled bitterly, all while gnawing on the inside of her jaw using her teeth.

" Me being a lesbian? Probably is another one of the reasons why he hates me too. But all in all? He just doesn't love or care for me period? In the way that a normal father would love their child."

And that fact alone? Was sadly true.

" Him not loving me or treating me properly? Doesn't bother me at all though. Because I'm used to it now, and I know that me saying that? Probably sounds stupid right? And it might also make you assume that I may or may not have Stockholm syndrome? Being that I'm okay with the fact that my father's been treating me like shit, while sometimes abusing me and more? For over twelve years."

" Yes, the way that you are going on about how his lack of love and affection, doesn't bother you? Does raise a few red flags for me. As far as you possibly being a victim of having Stockholm syndrome? But it also makes me worry more about your emotional and mental state? Even more. Being that when you really sit and sum up the timeframe, of you losing your mother? Down to your father's continuous abuse?"

" It seems that through all of that? You haven't been able to feel any of the proper care, love or attention? That a person who's endured losing a parent at a young age? Should get to feel. And that may also be another reason, as to why you feel the need to be so distant. While hiding away your true feelings, because honestly Giovanna? I'm gonna tell you something from my own personal experiences with life."

"..That have helped me find closure and peace? Within myself. After being a victim of my own? To some of the same exact problems that you've been having."

Sitting her clipboard aside, after grabbing a few tissues out of the box that was towards her right. Marsha had begun opening up about her past life, to Giovanna. As a way to encourage the younger woman and try to get through to her in a way, that talking and asking simple therapy questions? Couldn't do.

But of course? As always, Giovanna didn't care to hear any of it. Which allowed every word that left from out of Marsha's mouth, to enter inside of one ear, and come floating directly through the other.

Just as she found herself beginning to grow a bit offended, once Marsha had begun to talk about love and relationships. And how someone in Giovanna's state, didn't really need to engage in any form of romantic or sexual interactions? With another person.

Due to the lack of her father not showing her enough love or care properly? When she was a young age.

" I've been in love before." Were the first few words that left from out of Giovanna's mouth. As she cut into the middle of Marsha's speech, not really caring or giving a fuck if she had come off rude or not? After doing so.

" I'm actually in love right now? If you want me to be honest. I'm just not on speaking terms with the person? Who owns the other half of my heart right now."

" Really?" Marsha questioned slowly, sounding a bit shocked and caught off guard by Giovanna's statement.

" Mm-hm." Giovanna nodded her head slowly, feeling a small smile begin to form at the corners of her lips. Once the thought of her distant and angelic lover? Had begun to enter inside of her mind slowly.

" And why aren't the two of you on speaking terms? If you don't mind me asking."

" Because I'm..." Trailing off at the end of her sentence, Giovanna had begun to still her breathing. Just as her dark brown eyes started to glisten, and blur her vision up with tears.

" Because you're what, Giovanna?" Marsha pressed her for an answer, knowing almost immediately? What the younger girls response would've been like, once she re-opened up her mouth to speak.

" ..I'm damaged goods, Miss Marsha.."

" Like I have a heart, of course? And I know how to love and treat someone properly, even though I myself? Never got to receive that same exact treatment, from the people I deserved it from. I still know how to love and treat someone good? Despite that. But I just..."

" You're just a product of your environment. And even though treating someone kindly and loving them correctly? Doesn't come difficult. Sometimes accepting back that same love and energy? Can be a bit difficult. When all you've ever known was toxicity and dysfunction."

" But see, the thing about me accepting it back? Wasn't the problem Miss Marsha. The problem was my self esteem and my communication. Because there were times when I said things out of anger or out of being afraid? That had drove Hassan away from me too."

" Hassan?" Marsha repeated the name of Giovanna's lover slowly. " Hassan is such a pretty name, and I'm sure that she must be a pretty girl too? With how emotional and vulnerable you're getting while talking about her."

And that? She was indeed.

But of course, pretty? Wouldn't even be a suitable word to describe her at all. Because you see, Hassan? Was angelic. Just like everything else about her personality and character? Was too.

" Experiencing her love and even the attention she gave to me, before we ever became a thing? Was a privilege I wish that I never took for granted." Giovanna answered quietly, picking with the bracelet on her arm, that was giving to her by Hassan herself.

" And I know before, when I had first gotten here? I told you about how growing up as a child, with both of my parents while my mom was still alive? Was the time period where my want to do lots of things? Had been very strong."

" But even when she died and my dad became more hostile towards me? I still craved to be something or let alone somebody? Who'd be great. I just didn't know how or where to start first? For me to be able to accomplish any of those things period? Until I met Hassan.."

"..And she came into my world, allowing everything that once looked black and white? Turn colorful and vibrant. So that I could be guided out of my selfish, stuck up ways, and be the person who she swore up above to God and the heavens? That I was created to be."

" And what kind of person was that?" Marsha found herself growing a bit emotional as time passed, as she sat with her arms folded tightly. Trying not to make a fool out of herself, for crying and weeping over her client's newfound vulnerability and bravery.

That she had gained out of the blue, due to talking about her past. Or in this case? Still present lover. Who she wholeheartedly still loved very deeply, to this day.

" The kind of person who always showed patience and kindness, despite being robbed of all their goodness and purity? Far too early than I should've been. That's the kind of person? She saw me as. Even through the good, the bad and the ugly? She always looked at me, with eyes that held so much love and adoration. That at often times? I'd get scared."

" While wondering how a person like me? Could win over the heart of someone like her, you know? But even then after everything that's happened and changed over the years? I'd never stop loving her ever."

" And why is that Giovanna?"

" Because finding someone who'd love you through any and everything, despite the fact that you might not even deserve it at all? Is very fucking rare these days."

" And I have Hassan's heart? In the same exact way she has mine. So why would I ever let go or move onto someone else? When I know for certain that we'll find our way back to one another. Just like we always have? During the past."

" And you're willing to wait however long it may take, until that day ends up coming?"

" Oh? Absolutely." Giovanna's head nodded up and down quickly. " If I had to wait another year or even ten more? I'd do it without question."

" Because Hassan is worth the wait. And if I ended up having to grow old and wrinkly, just for that day to come back to me? I wouldn't have a problem with it at all."

" ..I'd just accept her back into my life fully, with open arms. Because that's all I've been wanting again and looking forward to? For the last two years."

if you’d like to be tagged in the next part? just comment below. & also feel free to leave thoughts down there as well too!

[creatingnikki]

What I've learned in 2023 (part II)

x. 2023 shattered my glass on my highly sitcom/books/pop culture tinted glasses through which I have been seeing life. Of course I am the main character of my life and of course I am both a writer and a romantic. But it's dangerous to think of my life as a story and to subconsciously do things for the plot. Okay I don't even think that's what I have been doing. I think the main issue is that I have the cognitive distortion of "should". Shout out to my therapist for making me finally see it. I'm constantly like but I should do this, I should think this way, I should feel this way, it should have been that way. She asked me, 'But should according to who or what? Which is this invisible rulebook of yours? And honestly I didn't have an answer then. It took me months to finally see it. My 'should' rule book has been one from pop culture. I like the idea of things being a certain way, playing out a certain way that's poetic, profound, meaningful, or rounded but that's the thing, right? Real life is not like that. It also does not have this well-written script that people I am interacting with will follow. And I cannot be so disheartened or disappointed with that.

xi. This year has also been the year where I can finally see that asking someone for something that they are either not capable of giving or willing to give and have clearly communicated that to you is a form of self-harm. If you keep repeatedly asking them for that or expecting/hoping that one day they will, it's a sure shot way of making yourself go crazy and feeling so very bitter, resentful, and frustrated. You have to let people be who they are and decide if you want to have something to do with them.

xii. Your feelings will not kill you. Sit with them or simply self-soothe. Don't constantly reach out to an external force for temporary relief (i.e., other people, esp the ones you want to move on from). So if your self soothing means lying on the cool marble floor like a starfish, do it. If that means watching a Hindi soap with your mom, do it. If that means making a list of things distressing you, make it. If it means crying, cry. If it taking a shower + crying + listening to sad music, do it. I want you to start relying a little more on yourself + regulating your emotions instead of feeling like you will absolutely die if you sit with yourself.

xiii. Had a full blown panic attack when I realized this one morning after an exhausting night with a situationship (tw: sexual abuse). Most of my relationships with men as an adult were me finding myself in equations where I feel dirty, where I feel mistreated, unloved, used, and unloved. Subconsciously repeating patterns because it's one of my biggest traumas/wounds. Because this is how "intimacy" was introduced to me at 15 when I was abused. That's what I keep recognizing as love? Unlearn. Unlearn. Unlearn.

xiv. If someone is pointing out something about your personality or you and labeling it as a problem that's a problem especially when it has nothing to do with them. Unless you label it as a problem they shouldn't be doing that. That's presumptuous and somebody who is harshly judging you. It's not a safe space.

xv. Human behaviour is fickle. That's why boundaries exist. So they can guide your present actions and make sure they are aligned with your personality/values/etc. It's very easy to be "in the moment" and do something that makes no sense given the bigger picture. That's why boundaries exist, so that you don't find yourself in such moments. iykyk.

xvi. You do not need to share everything that's happening in your life, that's going on in your mind, etc., with absolutely anybody. And that's not any form of betrayal or secrecy. It's really just realizing that no one needs to constantly be updated on everything in your life. It's exhausting, it's unnecessary, and it breaks your sense of clarity and confidence with regards to your intuition and perspective on most things. Cutting out the noise cannot begin if you keep feeding into it.

xvii. Here's my permission slip to say no and not back it up with a reason. You are a people pleaser. You want everyone to be satisfied and try to pacify them as much as you can. You make it about you so they don't feel bad. You justify your nos so much. But this must stop. When you want to go pee and you ask someone where the restroom is, do you feel the need to tell them why you are asking or why you have to pee? No, right? Just like that with a lot of things in life, you don't need to dish out explanations and elaborate on what you say. Especially when it comes to saying a no. Especially when it comes to saying a no to men. When you don't want to sleep with someone, be their girlfriend, go on a date with them, etc., you can just say no. The ones who don't respect that or don't get it - ghost them.

xviii. I know, I know you hate the concept of ghosting. But sometimes that's the only way. Be straight, communicate, yes. But then when the person isn't even listening to what you're saying, is completely disregarding you, then baby, just fucking ghost the fuck out of them. Them ignoring your no and constantly calling you, texting you, etc., is harassment. You don't need to put up with that. Don't put up with that.

xix. You've arrived at the problem areas for most things but not the solutions. This year you figured out most of the questions that need answering. But you are yet to begin figuring out their answers. That may not be as simple or as final as you'd like. Maybe the answers will come in layers too, from different sources, in varied ways. Focus. Trust your intuition. Don't let feelings dictate your decisions. Only feel your feelings. Let the decision making happen based on your lessons, values, and objective thought processes. You've done it before. You'll do it again. It's you, my love. And what can you not do once you've set your mind to do it?

[alexanderlightweight]

Writing Wednesday, so I know you just posted it but I just really love the neiphline being something Other-ish. But the one where Alec is cold and bleeds like ice and can summon weapons. I'm a sucker for reading how people react, so with Alec just casually talking about it with Magnus' friends. How would they react? Or maeby just more of Magnus finding out how different they are

hey! cold Alec and meeting Cat. i hope you enjoy! thank you for the lovely prompt

mention of self-harm for use in a medical magical treatment

lumine

-

Cat snaps out her hands, magically trying to bring the temperature of the room down.

Weather magic, however, is tricky enough without a magical fever fighting every magical attempt to cool the room and she’s not sure her patients — young warlock children — will be able to survive until elemental stones can be found and transported.

The request itself will need to be processed and the sickness struck too quickly, ravaged too quickly for her messages to get there in time.

“Cat—” Magnus calls and she curses under her breath. It would be one thing if her patients were adults, but Magnus hates to see the suffering of children and she struggles to get her breathing under control, so that he won’t see how affected she is.

It doesn’t work, he knows the minute he sees her and then he’s helping hold her up.

“The fever is growing stronger the more I try to save them.” She admits quietly, feeling weak and exhausted, “if I could just get the room cool enough, I could save them.”

Magnus tightens his grip around her, and she hopes he’s not going to try to summon a blizzard.  This is one of the few diseases that warlocks can’t fight against, and that magic only makes worse.

“I’ll be right back.” Magnus tells her and he’s upset, angrier but less hurt than she would have expected. “Children—” she hears him say through the open door, the other words blurry as she tries to figure out what to attempt next.

Then Magnus comes back in, a tall shadowhunter with him who is looking around with a solemn, stoic expression.

“Can you, do it?” Magnus asks and he’s terse and he’s no longer angry, or at least not visible, but Cat can tell he’s furious with himself for some reason. She wonders just what he’s asking for, to be this upset.

“I can.” The shadowhunter says and then, to Cat’s shock he steps closer to Magnus and cup’s Magnus face and the solemn, stern features melt into softness. “You need to leave, before I try anything."

“No!” Magnus spits out, furious like a cat whose had a cub stolen. “Alexander, I will not be going home."

“You asked me for a favor.” Magnus’ Alexander — because it’s the only explanation for this — “now I’m stating my price. You will go back to your lair and stay there until your friend messages you.”

“That is the price you’re making me pay?” Magnus asks and there is a cold, furious note to his voice. “I will not forget this, Alexander. Do you understand that? If you ask this of me, you will pay a price in return.”

“Okay—” his shadowhunter says and then he leans close and brushes his lips to the corner of Magnus’ mouth. Magnus is staying as still as he can and, with a quick glare at nothing, he grabs his hunter by the shirt and kisses him, deeply.

“Message me Cat, the instant he’s done.” And the way he says it isn’t a demand, but a plea and she nod, because while she doesn’t understand what’s going on she can see that it’s hurting him in a way she hates to witness.

Magnus is gone and then his hunter sighs and walks away from the children before he looks at her and draws a small adamas dagger.

Cat readies magic, wary despite trusting Magnus and he nods and then he’s cutting himself open.

Cat realizes that she’s never seen a nephilim bleed this much or so close before and it’s with curiosity that she watches him activate two runes and then slit a vein.

It’s with a calm, detached clarity that he begins to drain the very blood from his veins and lets it fall as he walks around the room. Every so often, the runes work too well, and the wound seals and he reopens it.

He’s pale and sweating by the time the floor is coated in blood and Cat’s breath is crystallizing.

The stark heat of the room has been fading and Cat stopped using magic the moment she realized that the more she fed the heat the more blood he needed to spill.

It's stunning and horrifying and she realizes just why Magnus was so upset.

She’s not going to betray Magnus by sending his boy back a husk and so she stops him, when he tiredly goes to open up his veins a fifth time.

“It’s fine now. It worked.” She tells him, not sure what else to say.

She already messaged Magnus and now she’s waiting, keeping an eye on her patients and Magnus’ hunter.

Before his Alexander can respond to her, Magnus is there, nodding to her and snatching his boy around the waist and dragging him back to his lair.

Cat blinks at the empty space where both men are gone and looks around the crisp, cold room and carefully she steps out across the frozen mirror of blood.

[rainbillcipher]

My Backstory

I wasn't born with power.

My existence started at the bottom of Flatland's caste system. Born the equilateral son of an isosceles triangle, I was given to a family of equilaterals.

If you've read Edward Abbott's Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions, then you know of my country and my dimension.

I chafed under the injustices of my country. I ran away when I was barely an adult. That's when the sphere found me.

Everyone lived in ignorance of the concept of three dimensions. I was chosen to remedy that.

They thought that if they chose one of the lowest but most numerous class, then there would be revolution.

When I returned to Flatland, the circles tries to have me killed, but I was smart. I created a following.

but my rebellion only created more deaths. Because of their ignorance, I lost many friends. But I gained a new purpose to prove them wrong.

I ascended to the fourth dimension and beyond. A moment of perfect clarity and power hit me.

My consciousness expanded. My body became energy. I thought I was a god.

I learned later how wrong I was...

I dealt justice to those who doubted and oppressed me.

I razed my dimension with my newfound power, tore reality apart, so nothing could live there.

Some Flatlanders that weren't on my side survived...barely.

I was feared across the realms! But so called "higher beings" saw my actions as criminal. So again I was fighting against oppressive regimes.

My followers and I hid in the space between realities--a lawless realm with no rules that didn't even obey physics!

MY REALM!

However, getting in was easier than getting out. I couldn’t escape. But I could enter dreams.

Ironically I fell back on my role as a tradesman. I made deals. Trades.

Tried tricks and convinced many to build me a portal. No one could do it…

...until Stanford Pines.

I'm not exactly sure when I returned to consciousness, but when I did, I was drifting in the mindscape again.

It wasn't good.

I didn't know where I was or WHO I was. I just remember turbulent emotions...

Fear...

Loneliness...

Then I heard that calling again.

I didn't remember if I had heard it before, but it felt familiar.

Without my memories, I've had to piece myself together brick-by-brick, so to speak.

My recent memories at Gravity Falls came flooding back when I watched your world during the Cipher Hunt.

I had slipped between worlds but still resided in the realm of dreams. I hated it. I couldn't touch anyone here.

Except one.

That's when I found Bex.

[moregraceful]

The fandom contribution navelgazing under the cut 🫠 and it's hella long.

Ice skating was terribleeeeee today but my friend was back after being ill and she made me text our other friend bc I was fretting about her and I got some very good very necessary endorphins from skating and from being harassed by our tiny French Canadian coach (this class is turning me into a Canadian Anti fr....how does your national sport involve skating but you are all so bad at teaching adult learn to skate classes...god.) I'm going skating on my lunch break tomorrow and I'm going to try to make a habit of going regularly during my lunches!!

Anyway the endorphins were enough to carry me through inexplicable 8:30pm San Jose traffic and it gave me enough clarity while watching some truly atrocious merging in front of me to think abt why I do fandom and what I use fandom for and what I want out of fandom, particularly as my life and priorities are shifting. This year was a hot mess and I made a lot of mistakes, but as I come out of the worst of it with a clearer head than I've had in years when it comes to what I value in life, it is starting to make me think more deeply about how I spend my free time (well how I spend all of my time, really, but that's a different post) and what I value doing and creating in fandom when my time available to do fandom is increasingly limited.

Ella said something absolutely harrowing but also very beautiful to me today, that we've known each other for almost twenty years. Twenty years!! Next year, we'll have officially been two dumb teenagers on livejournal who grew up together and now are growing old together for twenty years. That's over half my life! And she's not the only one, Erin's been in my life almost as long, and Jane and Nat too! Becs just a few short years behind them, and Lea and Maddy and Lorna! That's a lot of years to know people you met on the internet in fandom and have only met once or twice or never at all but still have remained present in each other's lives in some way or another for two decades. Incredible to realize I've been in love with Ella since I was 15. Incredible to realize I've been obsessed with Becs since I was 19. Incredible to realize Erin and I have been hollering at zoo animals together since we were teenagers!!

And it's so funny because thinking back, so much of those friendships were not even because we met randomly or were sliding into each other's DMs (there were no DMs), most of that was through communities other people built that we were part of. I wasn't part of the mod team that ran the challenge where Ella and I met Becs for the first time. I wasn't part of the mod team that created the insane Killers (band, the band) meme community that Erin and I met in and I certainly had no hand in creating the communal fandom nightmare that sprung up around The Libertines, where many of my oldest fandom friendship were born. A lot of these relationships were built on other people's hard work in creating spaces where other fans could just exist together, could write together, make jokes together, enjoy the act of creation together.

It's so interesting to me because I've found that while fandom as a whole is increasingly segregated and isolated in ways that absolutely suck, there's still seems to be a genuine desire for communal creation? There's a genuine desire to create things together, in whatever ways that looks like to each person. I feel like, the more of these challenges I run, the more I see that there is a genuine desire to BE together in fandom, to share and enjoy and love the act of creation together. And I don't know how much of that has to with the commodification and discordification of fandom and the creators who have been left behind or who have had to deal with that, but it's interesting to see that people do still want, if not a broader fandom community, at least a community in which to create things.

Anyway, thinking about that while contemplating how I want to move forward with @timebegins-onopeningday this week, and what's been on the back of my mind as my life rights itself - whether I want to do @fromthebottomofthepugetsound and @sharkuda-strong again or if I want to let those two go, what rules I want to adjust for @theresonly1u next summer, the check-in I need to do @4thlinegrindfest, all the stuff I gotta talk to kb about for untitled old man hockey fest. And it's like - and this is why I cut this entire post and why I'm making in unrebloggable - am I running these challenges because I want more fic about the people I enjoy, am I running these challenges because no one else will, or do I want to reframe (for myself, going forward) that if my fandom time is valuable and limited, maybe it's more important to think about and focus on my desire to encourage the act of creation and to help create community more than running challenges are strictly about the product of that creating.

Like, if my priorities in all aspects of my life are shifting and the time I have available to spend time in fandom is increasingly limited (for both good and bad), do I want to spend so much of my time then running challenges with the goal of endless production and content, or do I want to spend my time running challenges with the goal of fostering creating and creation, in whatever form that takes?

You'll catch me in a hell I don't believe in before I mod a discord server for any fandom. But it does make me think, like, okay, how can I manipulate the spaces these challenges take place in - how do I manipulate the limitations of Tumblr as a microblogging site, how do I manipulate AO3 as an archive, to foster and grow spaces that are as much about the act of creating as they are about what you create. I don't have a firm answers yet for myself, but it's slowly starting to take shape.

I think a lot about what Lesa commented under a post of me getting whipped up about not completing anything for @michigan-lakehouse - that there's no act of writing that's lost or forgotten, the stuff you abandon is just sourdough starter. I think that's the heart of what I want out of these challenges, thinking about it now. I'd like everyone to walk away from these challenges feeling, if nothing else, at least like they have sourdough starter for a work - maybe they didn't complete their work, maybe they hate what they made, but they have the beginning of something, they have something they can use for later, even if it's just 100 words of story or half an outline of an idea they use later. Even more ideally, someone walks away feeling more confident in their abilities as a creator or they walk away feeling braver about being in fandom or they walk away just feeling good about who they are and what they bring to the fandom table, regardless of whether or not they had a completed work. In a perfect world, they have all that AND they found a new person to DM about their fave, or they got invited to a new Discord server of like-minded people, or even just found someone new to follow. Maybe that's too lofty for a goal for an Archive of Our Own-hosted project that is mostly advertised on Tumblr, I don't know. And again, I'm still thinking about what that would even look like and how I would make that happen in a way that is both accessible to everyone and doable for me as one person who is very busy. But it's on my mind.

Because I mean, what is the point of doing anything for fandom, if not to create community?

[glittxrghoul]

was not sure how today was going to go as I had to shove the venom surging through me down. some days I wake up on fire. everything going wrong, not feeling right in my skin or clothes, every annoyance felt down to my core. still kinda feeling that way.

but I've spent some time in the sun, I watched kids being hilarious while playing together. I tried to be cool mom while adult interacting, but inevitably the awkward goofy person came out and that's ok.

when we were getting lunch, the lady at the window was having a hard time, monday feels as she said, but I was kind and patient, and her demeanor softened and she smiled before we left. at target, the lady working register had a handful of a customer before us, so I was extra smiley and calm, let her know we weren't in a hurry and she said it made her day.

all those minor things have made me pause on a day like today. still feeling a bit on edge but way calmer waves. small pacts of solidarity and slowing down and things just being. I dunno, I need these moments of clarity bc they are fucking fleeting. leaving this here as a reminder to just.. be? sometimes, even when I feel like I'm crumbling and I'm not gonna make it through. a little moment can make a difference

[gloomy-prince]

I really love your comic! But I'm too scared to read or watch It lol. Any advice on how to understand all the It lore without getting too scared?

Thank you!! I think for the most part there isn't a *ton* you really need to know to understand since right now its kind of in it's "slice of life" phase where a lot of the clown-fighting things that they went through in the first movie is over, and while occasionally referenced, isn't very important atm. I think a lot of other things can be inferred/will be elaborated on enough to be understandable to newcomers (like the character Henry from the first movie is getting brought up, but its pretty clear through the dialogue that he was someone who bullied them as kids), though there are some things that could possibly get confusing if you aren't privy to them, like how Eddie is smothered by his mother with munchausen by proxy and his asthma isn't real, but I'm hoping I'll be able to depict it so most things like that will be able to be understood through osmosis. So while I think you'll probably be just fine, if anything is confusing I believe there's a wiki for the movies/book you could look at for clarity!

Eventually clown lore will be more important when it shifts to them being adults (assuming I get that far) and they have to fight it again. But we'll cross that road when we get to it

[larcenywrites]

Sorry if you don't accept requests, but I just feel like I can't stand without it. In my entire life, my parents never praised me or said pleasant words to me, and today, it seems, literally every person tried to notice something bad in me, in my appearance. I just want to read something about Tony who praises his girlfriend not sexually. It seems to me that an adult Tony would be an absolute lover of praising and supporting her. Either way, I apologize for my confusing request. Just throw it out if I seemed rude or something like that, I didn't mean to inconvenience. And I wanted to add so that you know that your works makes me feel alive. Thank you for what you write and how competently and harmoniously it comes out. I re-read your works day in and day out and enjoy more and more...

Oh, dear, of course! I'm sorry you've been let down, and hope you can find the happiness and comfort you deserve! I wanted to get this out for you as soon as I saw it in the hope this little drabble can at least help your day or night feel a bit better ❤

Those inquisitive eyes were always watching, always thinking. Always distracted but always drawn. It wasn't so intimidating, to always be under that stare, because every time it looked at you, love followed. 

"How do you do it?" Affectionate awe in the form of a genuine question breaks the silence of the room. You roll over to look at him, head on his stomach and arm over his hips. He smiles wide with your attention on him, or at the confusion he's put in your eyes. You can't help but mimic it. "Do what?" 

He barely shrugs a shoulder, with a hum of a I don't know. "Lots of things," he replies as if that gives you any more clarity. You raise a brow, but his warmth tells you enough. You never quite get a proper answer, but this spontaneity was familiar enough that you didn't need to. And it never failed to make you smile.

You walk into the room and he finds something to say.

"You look cute today," he mumbles into a coffee mug, eyes always managing to find you as soon as you walk in. 

"I've had this on since yesterday," you laugh, in the same stolen button-up and cotton shorts that you slept next to him in last night. He puts down the cup, straight-faced and glancing you over. 

"Oh, that's right," he sings, finger pointing up as if he's just had a revelation. "You're just always cute." You chuckle and shake your head at the goofy grin looking up at you, shining more with your reaction. 

You don't let him know when you've taken care of the growing stack of papers on his table, but you never get away with it for long.

"You're a lifesaver," he cheers, finding you on the couch and taking your cheeks in his hands. You barely have time to register before he's bending down, and his lips are on yours with one hard press that lasts for only a second. 

"I just noticed it was piling up," you brushed it off, a bit dazed but giggling at the overly gracious pecks to your face. He was always good at showing his appreciation, so to speak. 

"No, really," he continues, standing back up, but not without one more to the top of your head. "Thank you for doing that." This time that smile is apologetic, tired eyes filled with gratefulness. 

When he catches you working around the house, and always doing a few things at once, he can't help but come bother you with his affectionate antics.

 The arm wrapping around you from behind startles you, so focused on the vegetables in the pan that you didn't hear him coming. "You always do too much." An arm reaches around you, fork in hand, to steal a piece. 

"Maybe because you're eating it before it's even done," you laugh sarcastically, elbowing the body behind you. The arm around you gets tighter and pulls you in, and another fleeting kiss is placed on your cheek.

"I just mean in general," he replies with an almost dreamy upturn in his tone. You turn to look over your shoulder, but he's already sneaking away.

As if that wasn't enough, you're holding a reddening rag to his shoulder. He's sure he'll never say enough to make up for that one.

He splashes his face with the warm water in the tub and runs it through his hair. You get a little wet, but you don't mind. "What would I do without you?" He nervously laughs, turning to look at you next to him. This time you aren't laughing. "I try not to think about it," you whisper back instead. That fake smile fades, but you get the message. "Me neither." 

He turns away again with a meek "thanks." 

Words could be hard. He wasn't always so straightforward. But with a certain laugh and a certain smile, he had to let you know.

He's lying on his stomach, cheek resting on his crossed arms. "You're always so perfect," he seems to say out of nowhere. You don't turn to him, still on your phone, but you still grin at his comment.

"I don't know about that," you trail off. 

"No, I mean, for me," he quickly bounces back. At that, you look over, being met with a soft smile and loving eyes. He hates that you don't seem to think so. He tells you again, just in case. "You don't have to be perfect to be perfect."

It doesn't matter how many times you do it or don't do it. Or how many times he says it or goes without saying it. Tired eyes always open to watch you crawl under the covers, arms will always hold you dear. He'll always find something to say, to make sure you know.

"How do you do it?" The question is familiar, far too vast, yet asked so simply. Maybe it is simple. Just a culminated comment on all the things you do that make him fall for you more. You have all your answers when you look up at him. 

[istherewifiinhell]

okayyyy also. tagged by @joelletwo for 5 topics i could talk about for an hour with no prep.

now. two things. 1. i have infernal podcast dude energy and could say a lot about nothing. weird trait to have if u dont like talking to people? hard to say. 2. GESTURES AT BLOG. im ALREADY. talking at length abt my beloved shit. so im just ruling out turtles, alien robots, trek, etcetcetc all the shit thats been a main blog topic for the last past. 4 years?

I'm gonna say.... western voice actors? not that i could really. Give a lecture so much as. I'm way more familiar with them that than I am live action actors. And I'm kinda just CONSTANTLY like. Oh you know so and so from every cartoon youve ever fucking seen? And FEEL a real. gap. with people when they dont have a same reference point. probably like how ppl feel with me when i dont know their acting guys jhadbgjfga. Like u can name 5 VAs from ur childhood cartoons/animated movies right? And personal interest like, hey btw u know like the entire cast of tng was in disneys gargoyles? U know keith david can SING? And diego luna? Hey you know about Canadian actors who are in all the dubs and video games and yeah cheap shit? You know Scott McNeil right? You know Ian James Corlett? You know. THE IAN. of being Ian. Hello. is this thing still on?

I really like and care about the topics of education, children's rights and pedagogy? Not academically so much as, personal interest. What seeing very clearly that there was a lot of arbitrary rules that involved things like. The Government. and Systems. as a child does to a motherfucker I guess? I'm always INTERESTED in a discussion about it, is how i mean I guess. Like focuses of multiple intelligence and "applied knowledge" (and short comings there of). I mean long and short of it. Kids are full human beings and until u can grapple with that their feelings and opinions um. Actually matter. I hate you? jdhbgjhdb. And Naturally the world being good for kids has the prerequisite of it not sucking ass for adults too....

UHhhh guh. User design/civil engineering? You'll hear it from me until the day I die, crushed under the tires of a ford f1 giga truck with the LED 20million watt bulbs. PROTECTED BIKE LANES. for the love of god. I just know a lot of designers I guess and like engineering, conceptually. But like, u know that famous bridge everyone crashes into. If theres 80million warning signs and people are still crashing... maybe theres. other factors. Or you know ofc like, traffic planning, vehicle accidents, structural disasters. A lot of them are not just. Things happening. Tragedies. There's politics there. Usually a lot of Money stuff. and structural racism. The real reason your fridge is full is that there's a bunch of half empty condiment jars hiding all your forgotten left overs. And widening the roads isnt gonna do shit for traffic.

Jackass entry: Themes and motifs of anyyytthing ive watched with another person or saw, and like they also know it. I realllly like, visual theming and narrative shorthands. Anything that breaks like, maybe people in this setting dont have the same customs, but their gonna do something so you the audience can recognize it. Non literal/accurate use of colour and lighting, for mood and clarity. Breaking the physical shape and scale of things so they can appear and be readable on screen. COSTUMING COSTUMING COSTUMING. A well styled character can do soooo much for your understanding of a work, especially with large casts, and a poorly styled one can take me right out. Well. anyway. yes i love animation u all knew that.

uhhhhh Thatgamecompany/giantsquids studio. im giving myself a free space. lol technically I DO. blog about this. the music. at least. BUT beloved. games. Me and everyone else I guess. Hey speaking of u know its laura bailey and troy baker as the voices in the pathless? And you know how a lot of the games have themes of coming into being/growing/rebirth. And LOTS of environmentalism. And implied cultural world building, and wordless stories. and beautiful metaphor rich otherworldly visuals. and gameplay styles that really connect with the emotional story their going for. and ofc, the music. oh the leit motifs. well. there u go. sword of the sea when?

tagginggg. uh did anyone get @deadgrantaires or @army-of-bee-assassins yet? anyone elseeee who wants to regale me with things they knowww about. id love to know.

[floofymeow]

FujiTowa AgeRe Oneshot

Based upon a one-off post from @towapet abt fujitowa age regression (its actually wild how far of a rabbit hole I went into thinking about agere bc of this).

In like a 2am haze I woke up randomly and couldn't go back to sleep so I wrote a cute little Fujieda x Towa short........... at least I'm pretty happy with it..!!! here's to the tumblr void to commemorate <3

1k words, age regression fujieda + towa, sfw, fluff!

Fujieda shoved down the intense wave of fuzziness breaching boundaries of his mind. The day was a long one—and his clients were particularly difficult. There was no one to tell him “good work”, only suspicious glares and doubtful scoffs.

This was fine. Fujieda didn’t mind. He chose this line of work, and at this point in his life, it was the ideal outcome—the necessary kind of occupation that he was obligated to fulfill. His movements felt sluggish as he turned the car off and stepped into his condo.

The Friday was over. It was a particularly rough week. Three out of five nights of late overtime had been sludged through. Words melted down his throat as he glanced over to a languid Towa, who spoke a simple greeting while setting out the plates for dinner.

Towa.

Watching him, another stronger wave of weightlessness rushed through him—and Fujieda frowned, though he didn’t force it to stop. The last time he did, he was left with a severe weekend migraine and a bad attitude, according to Towa.

Fujieda’s fuzzy mind began to regain clarity somewhat, but all that remained was an absent-minded desire to lounge on the couch and continue playing where he left off on the console. The exhaustion of the last month seemed to drift far away from him, as the thought of playing games grew stronger. It was a good thing he had all weekend.

A decided satisfaction spread through his chest as he nodded to himself and began to quickly eat—faster and sloppier, as if he had a million things to do other than eat.

Towa watched on curiously.

“Fujieda?”

Fujieda frowned, disliking the sound of his last name. It sounded impersonal. As if Towa were a stranger. He really didn’t like that.

“Fujieda sounds weird. Can’t you just call me Ryo?”

The low, yet curtly juvenile tone brought a softened light to Towa’s expression. His lips thinned into a smile, “Sure. Ryo, any plans this weekend?”

Ryo didn’t answer until he polished plate off. He shoved away from the table and dropped his dishes in the sink carelessly.

“Just games this weekend. I…that’s fine right? You’re not gonna be mad?”

“Nope. Sounds good to me.”

“Cool,” Ryo nodded with an awkward pause.

He diverted his eyes from Towa’s smile. It was too pretty—he didn’t know how to react whenever he saw it. It made his heart pound. He tensed as Towa stretched his slender arm up, fingers outstretched—

And rubbed Ryo’s head back and forth with a gentle touch. A wave of comfort washed over Ryo, loosening his shoulders. He always tried to hide his thoughts from Towa. He didn’t want Towa to know he thought that about him. It’d be weird.

Except that…

He glanced up, watching Towa wash dishes. Towa hadn’t done anything to… be weirded out or anything. Besides, they both regressed all the time. It wasn’t a big deal. Towa never cared either—in fact, Ryo always thought the smiles he got were better than when he was an adult.

“Towa…”

“What is it?”

“What do you…plan to do?”

“Paint. Maybe turn on a show to watch. Why?”

Ryo mussed through his own hair, hand fidgeting with his nape.

“Join me? In the same room. I’ll be sitting on the couch.”

“Sounds good. I’ll bring my things over.”

And just like Towa said, he brought his stand over and began to paint—Ryo wasn’t sure what it was. He forgot to ask, distracted the moment he begun playing games.

His mind buzzed with a simple contentment as he progressed the story quest, hacking down enemies and tapping through high-energy dialogue. Only when he couldn’t feel his legs would he stand up, stretch, and grab a glass of water.

That was when he finally realized Towa was still standing nearby in his painting apron, concentrating on his canvas. His eyes shone with an intense focus, one that Ryo didn’t want to interrupt. The outlines of children’s items began to form—toy trains, coloring crayons, and the little stuffed rabbit that now belonged to him.

Ryo watched for a few more seconds, then returned to his own game silently. He loved that he didn’t have to explain himself. That there was just the soft hum of battle music and decent voice acting, as well as the rustle of Towa’s apron and his brushed scraping the canvas. Nothing overwhelmingly abrasive. No one to tell him what to do. Just him and Towa coexisting in the same space.

He zoned out playing games, losing track of minute to hour. Just as he defeated a difficult area’s boss, two fingers hesitantly tugged on his sleeve, and a heavy weight slumped against him. Ryo looked over, and Towa's yawning softened features rubbed against his shoulder.

“Ryo,” he whispered with a childish drawl. He tugged on Ryo’s shoulder again, as if expectant.

Ryo wasn’t bothered at all. He paused the game and brought his arms around Towa. Towa giggled softly in his arms. Ryo indulged in the wispy, contented noises, before spoke up.

“Where’s your friend?”

Towa’s eyes widened. He wiggled out of Ryo’s grasp and tottered to the other room. Ryo moved his gaze back to the screen and hit resume. His fingers hit the console buttons in subconscious order, passing through a decently challenging parkour section.

The clumsy steps alerted Ryo that Towa had returned. And without a word, Ryo scooted over and raised his arms higher, eyes not leaving the screen. Towa carefully nestled himself within, this time, the worn out rabbit plush snugly in his lap. Ryo lowered his arm. Towa put his elbow atop Ryo’s, the movement of him rubbing the somewhat matted fur of the bunny relayed through Towa’s movements.

His head leaned back against Ryo’s chest—and after a few minutes of squirming, he finally settled into the perfect position. Their eyes watched the video game screen, bodies stuck together. Like pieces of a puzzle.

Pieces that, at one point, did not fit into their own story—but now slot perfectly into each other’s.

One younger, one slightly older.

Both perfectly content.

[burning--heart]

The Grinning Man is Not a Horror Show

this post brought to you by: my own personal experience trying to show this musical to people (which i have already talked about briefly) and also this post by castledock:

the mainstream media’s perception of LHQR is almost always “well I haven’t watched or read it but this guy looks scary so it must be a very disturbing and scary book/movie” and every time I go outside of my little circle of LHQR Appreciators it’s like being slapped in the face by Ableism

i’m spinning this off into my own post because the essay got Long and also it’s definitely about tgm and not lhqr. strap in y’all.

like, ok. you see the pictures online. the protagonist has a bloody bandage on his face, the lighting is moody, and the puppets are creepy i guess (but they are so charming once you see them in motion)…

i’ll be focusing on flesh-and-blood adult grinpayne and his face. does it cause him a lot of grief? yes. is it central to the show? absolutely. but are you meant to be scared or disturbed by it? no. if you were, then yeah. this would be a horror show, and a bitingly ableist one at that. but it’s not.

there is one single moment where we are made to see grinpayne’s face as horrifying, and even then it's... well. it’s not about his smile being grotesque. not really.

it happens when his frustration at being kept as a spectacle because of his face reaches a tipping point. he bites back. "i'm the stuff of your nightmares," he says, "i am the freak show! watch me smile!" it's not an empowering moment. he is gutting himself for his audience.

He removes his bandages and reveals his jaw - a huge nightmarish bloody grin. Horribly unhealed. Red. Raw. Glistening. It's there, and then it's gone. “Laughter" riff crashes in and the world tilts.

Above is the stage direction from the script. Note that the “Laughter” motif is identified by name.

We can see how this was executed onstage in Bristol: The reveal is accompanied by sickly green strobe light, Louis Maskell as Grinpayne snaps his head to the side, there's a brief blackout, we are jumpscared by a giant grinpayne puppet head in the same green strobe, blackout again, then it’s on to the characters' reactions.

It sounds horror on paper. it looks very horror in Bristol. and yet the characters react as though they've just seen heaven. what's up with that?

here lies one of the biggest challenges the grinning man has: its empathetic theme gets easily muddied by the reactions the other characters have to grinpayne. generally, when experiencing a story, we look to the characters within it for cues on how we should feel about its topics, and they guide us through it. this is especially true of media aimed at children. the grinning man is... not like that. the royals and the people of the fair see his face and they are instantly enlightened! with sudden clarity, you're him, and he is you!

the audience doesn’t get it. 

but i don't think we're supposed to.

Song lyrics like ‘you realise that you are him and he is you’ explain to us Grinpayne’s effect on his audiences, but we are never shown that experience nor are we invited to feel that experience ourselves. (Brendan Macdonald, Exeunt)

this reviewer was close, very close, but has jumped to conclusions and ended up shutting the door on the idea that makes the musical make sense. its true that we are told how the other characters see grinpayne, and we don't get to experience that for ourselves. but the thing is, while we are told one thing, we are actually being shown something entirely different.

characters in his audience look at grinpayne and we are told they have an earth-shattering revelation. we hear them explain it multiple times. despite this, their reaction is not what we feel. this is the part that's unintuitive.

here’s where we circle back to the face reveal. the dramatic imagery clashes with what the fictional audience is seeing and feeling. this is because we, the non-fictional audience, are not supposed to be putting ourselves in their shoes at all. the character we’re anchored to is grinpayne. and to him, this is not a triumph of self-discovery. the horror isn’t in his appearance, it’s in how people treat him because of it.

and when it comes to the characters’ revelations, it’s not really about grinpayne anyway. it’s about themselves and what they project onto him, whatever that is. grinpayne is a symbol to almost everyone, whether they see him as a gruesome face, a lord, or a god. they don't understand him when they look at his face.

the audience of the grinning man, unlike the characters within it, are provided the opportunity to connect with grinpayne on a deeper level. we get to dive into his head like nobody else. this is why “Labyrinth” is a big deal (this is also why them changing over half the lyrics to this song at the transfer is a big deal). this is why dea’s love for him is a big deal: she sees him for who he is, and has from the start.

we also get to see the “real” grinpayne (and even love him for who he is), but unlike the characters’ sudden (and shallow) enlightenment, our understanding of grinpayne is gradual, but truer because of it. it builds slowly and perhaps unnoticed throughout the show until you’re fully immersed; it’s something that you feel, not think. though, if i had to pick a moment, personally, it would be “when they are gazing at my grin / what is it that they see within?” from “Labyrinth” because that line knocks me on my ass to this day.

and. surprise! this deeper understanding is also why i think this show is a musical and not a straight play. nothing has the emotional capacity that music does. we aren’t just told the way grinpayne feels; his songs allow us to feel with him in a way that spoken word never could. that’s how we connect.

at the end of the day, this guy still has a bloody face. and some people are going to see this and assume that tgm is horror. but hopefully if they watched it they’d change their minds, because the grinning man shows us the most (and only truly) disturbing thing about grinpayne’s injury is the cruelty and misunderstanding he faces at the hands of a miserable world where “laughter is the best medicine.” and “I Am the Freak Show” may contain the moment with the strongest “horror” visuals in the show, at least in the original production, but it’s actually a crucial example of why tgm itself is not a horror show itself.