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philosophicalmisuse · 1 year ago

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Victor from From and Autistic Coding in media

Just finished season 1 and a couple eps into season 2, enjoying it lots so far! Only spoilers for season 1 I think, maybe mild for season 2

Just seen a couple of people discuss Victor and Autism and neurodivergence in general and wanted to add my two cents

I reckon he's autistic-coded (and I think the distinction between is autistic and is autistic coded is important) -

- trouble socialising (esp with other adults, but having an easier time with kids - socialising well with people below and above ur peer group is fairly common)

- restricted interests (the peaches being the one thing he liked to eat jumped out to me - thought it was so sweet how donna made sure that he had some and that she was rationing them for him specifically, both so others wouldn't have them and so that he could have them regularly for as long as possible and genuinely took seriously how important it was and attempted to hold back other supplies in case they ran out to provide an alternative but was aware it likely wouldn't work - she looked at why he liked the peaches and accommodated his needs not just in terms of well this will keep him happy but in a caring way for him as a person, such a little thing but damn made me like donna so much)

- the visual language of how he's presented - wearing his (casual flannel) shirt buttoned all the way up to the neck and pants cuffed, just like how he did as a kid, holding onto an object from his childhood, posture that is overly "correct", slightly shambley walk, 'evasive' body language that avoids eye contact etc - ! important to specify here that I'm not saying all autistic people dress or move like this, I for one hate things touching my neck so you wouldn't catch me dead in a button up all the way to my neck, but this visual language/costuming/physicality is super common for male autistic-coded characters as a visual shorthand to express restrive patterns of behaviour/outsider from social norms of dress, so it jumped out at me right away. Two other examples that spring to mind are young Sheldon and elementary Sherlock Holmes

- the language/tonality he uses - often repetitive to express the rules while not always explaining why (example being when jade takes his violin and ransacks his room, he doesn't explain why jade shouldn't go into his room or how it made him feel, he visually shows distress and repeats the rule that jade violated, even when jade explains his pov - victor responds in his face to the comment I thought you were dead, seemingly understanding that that's reasonable, but it's not relevant to the rule as he isn't dead so he repeats the rule) - he's often fairly monotone/expressionless as well - I don't know how to explain this but some of his inflections/patterns of speech are very familiar to me in terms of how I and other autistic people I've met talk. There's something about how and where the voice goes up and down in a sentence that I can't really explain

- disliking change (eg. peaches)

And I'm sure there's more but these are the main ones I remember

NOW!!! onto my broader points

I have seen some people online argue that:

he's not autistic he's just traumatised

This is rational and I get it! He's presumably been alone since a very young age so not 'socialised', he's had to learn the rules of this place and stick to them or die and so on. The behaviours of cPTSD and asd have a large amount of overlap.

However, my first point would be that a traumatised autistic person (which is most autistic people tbh) look/act different from traumatised non-autistic people. Most autistic people that you meet are traumatised, and there's a lot of traumatised people who aren't autistic. Having cPTSD and having a trigger to a specific sound, for example, is different from having SPD and getting tired/stressed/having a meltdown from most sounds being too loud and your nervous system being unable to distinguish between a relevant loud noise and an irrelevant loud noise and giving you all noises at the same level and stimulating your nervous system to react to them the same, for example. In cPTSD your nervous system is likely also inflating lots of noises, because lots of noises were relevant to your survival in a traumatic environment - but in SPD (something many ASD people have and some argue may be a major facet of the disorder that has, until recently, been unhelpfully diminished in diagnostic resources) this would happen whether or not you were traumatised.

The collection of traits in the DSM is descriptive of a way of processing the world around you - and when people argue that Victor is autistic, they're saying that he is behaving in a way that appears to be characteristic of a certain combination of traits. Additionally, he was old enough to experience some socialisation, and had enough resources to experiment with other ways of dressing - there presumably have been other people that have come to the village over the years, as well. What I see in the character is a very traumatised autistic adult using patterns of behaviour that are explicitly autistic in order to survive in a terrible situation, HOWEVER I would argue that it doesn't matter very much

Regardless of whether he is or is not autistic (he's a fictional character and we can never have enough info to really know unless the characters or creators of the show explicitly say it, ofc) what is relevant in my opinion is that he is CODED to be autistic.

The way the character is presented is similar to a lot of tropes in media about how autistic characters are presented. Whether you think that the character in and of himself is or is not autistic, I think it's fair to say that the way he is characterised is similar to a lot of other male autisic-coded characters in media

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT?

It's important both in terms of how we analyse/interpret the specific media, and how this can impact social understanding of autism more broadly

First of all, it may tell us something about how Autism is portrayed in media. An autistic character in another piece of media who has not experienced the same levels of insane trauma in a horror setting is thought to behave similarly to a character who has experienced these things.

Secondly, it tells us about how the other characters in the world relate to Victor. Why do they instantly see him as being weird, when initially the only thing he does is simply have a conversation with a new resident? He's instantly seen as a threat by the dad, explicitly seen as weird by everyone else, where the young girl who murdered someone is seen as someone safe, and positive for taking care of the child and distracting them from the horrible new situation they find themselves in.

Honestly, he's initially presented as a sexual threat to both children - I've seen some ppl online refer to him as 'paedophilic'. Why is this?

I would argue it's because autistic traits, down to the way autistic people move and speak, are seen as inherently threatening and other. I don't even blame the people who do read him as predatory, as it's so common in media to be presented with people who look/behave like Victor ending up being creepy and weird. Autistic people are infantilised, seen engaging with children, and the audience is told they're weird - even the dad was so strongly hostile to Victor harmlessly talking to his child BEFORE he took him into the forest (something that I completely agree any parent would be reasonable for responding to extremely hostily). It was clear this was something Victor was used too as well.

This is a common trope. A weird, socially inept older person forms an unlikely friendship with an open-minded child - who is often discouraged from being friendly with this person, as they are viewed as sinister and a threat from adults in their life. This is used as a double-bluff - the real threat to the child is actually the young woman who the adults are fine with spending time with their child, as they view her as fundamentally non-threatening.

This enabled me, as a viewer, early on, to discount the information that was alluding to Victor being a threat - but its also a really frustrating trope, because it relies on the fact that audiences do see autistic patterns of behaviour/speech/movement as fundamentally other/threatening. Even if you subvert this trope by making the threat come from somewhere else, and tell the audience that really they're bad/foolish/wrong for thinking Victor was a threat, you're still using the same tropes that make real autistic people be viewed with suspicion simply for existing in the world. Victor is still portrayed as creepy, and still has to earn the protagonists trust in a way other characters don't. He, and other autistic coded characters, still start off in a deficit, at a negative, where other characters start off with a neutral or positive. This really does impact real life people as well!

Another trope that is used that is relevant is the 'weird' character having a special amount of knowledge about the problem at hand that other characters discount because of their weirdness (knowledge often initially only shared with an open-minded child character). This is so frustrating! I even remember this coming up in The Dressmaker, when the intellectually disabled character (I think? It was one of those very generalist disabled character presentations, to my knowledge) witnessed the crime but no-one thought to ask them who did it till the end, and initially presumed he had done it or something (I still enjoyed the movie tho). Its bizarre to me that none's asking Victor what he knows - he even expresses early on to the kid that noone listens to him or cares, from memory. I find this so frustrating, and is again really common - and is also a part of the othering of autistic coded characters - they're 'not of this world', but are part of both and none at the same time.

While this is something that many autistic people feel and experience, it's partially because we're ostracised from our peers because we're so 'weird', so it's really frustrating to see this replicated time and time again in fantasy, horror and thriller genres especially - it sort of reenforces a social standard that's causing the problem. Rather than create understanding and support the elimination of notions of 'weirdness', even if the character is important and initially creepy but not a threat, they're still not of this world. It's still reasonable to see them as weird, because they are weird. The characters are rational for responding to the autistic coded character as if there's something off, because there is - even if they're ultimately on the same side.

This also has real-world impacts. People discount likely threats in favour of fear of unfamiliar behaviour. For example, the whole predatory thing - autistic people are more likely to be victims of predatory behaviour, not perpetrators of it (for example, autistic women are 3x more likely to have been sexually assaulted than non-autistic women). However, there's these stereotypes in media where an autistic character is so weird that they're viewed as threatening - and, in some crime genre tropes, for example, the threat is confirmed. Even though most predators are stand up members of the community (compensating for their misdeeds via good acts) and people are surprised that they were perpetrators of horrific crimes - crime is often so horribly mundane - the media focuses on portrayals of mentally ill loners, utilising coding that is similar and sometimes the same as the coding of autistic characters. Not saying that no autistic person comments a crime of course, they demonstrably do, but utilising a media shorthand for violent/predatory criminals that is also used for autistic characters - as it is much more conforting for audiences to feel as if they would be able to tell from someone's weird behaviour if they're likely to be a threat - can have some really troubling real world consequences. Also not saying that no autistic coded character can possibly be portrayed as a villain - I really enjoyed Zac's plotline in Bones for example, especially the relationship that the two characters had - but it's the focus on these 'weird, socially inept' villians, over the far more common absolutely totally 'normal' person/family member/ local upstanding citizen that makes people disproportionately fear/stigmatise autistic ways of being

Then, other shows play off of this coding to 'subvert' it, reenforcing the connection along the way

All this being said, I really like Victor, I loved his relationship with Donna, and I'm really enjoying the show more broadly. However, I could defs see a lot of the narrative of s1 coming because of the shows use of autistic coded behaviours for Victor

I found it interesting that some fan theories have actually centred Victor's neurodivergence, and suggested that other characters are also neurodivergent and that might be why some of them are here/chosen - I find that interesting, especially because of the use of 'psychosis' in the show being a conduit for seemingly real voices of people who have passed away there

It will be interesting to see where they take it, and I'm excited to see what else happens in season 2 and even more excited for season 3 - but yeah, Victor is defs autistic coded, and some of those tropes do have negative knock-on consequences. Defs something that will impact my enjoyment of the show, depending on where they take it! It could be awesome and exciting and could be devastating or eye rolling etc but still excited to watch

#from tv show victor #from tv show #from epix #from mgm #FROM victor #from mgm+#mgm from #mgm+ from #epix from #from 2022 #autism #autistic coded character #autism tropes #autism and horror

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boxofthings · 2 years ago

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My dumbass accidentally deleted the ask, but someone was asking for some GhostRoach hcs and how they'd show affection/spend their free time together so here are some that I have:

Mentioned in one of my fics but I hc that Roach just leaves sticky notes everywhere, and this is because I believe in mute!Roach. He does this usually when he's not in a rush to say something to someone, more like leaving lil notes around base for teammates to find (some "good mornings" or small reminders, or stupid doodles, etc)

If they're on missions, he still carries around a pad of stickies, just to doodle or scribble quick notes when he's bored or when missions are going slow. I feel like he's the type to just slap em onto people to get their attention. And he def has passed these stickies to Ghost with the most serious body language & expression, making Ghost think the note is something important, and he'll just look down and it'll be the worst joke he's ever heard of written down (either that or a really crude drawing of Ghost or anyone/thing from their surroundings lol)

Another hc I have (I think this was also in my fic idk for sure) is that Ghost will read to Roach, or at least read out loud when the two are alone. Sometimes it's either Roach sat/laid down close to Ghost, contentedly listening to Ghost's rumbling voice. Or, it'll be more casual, like they both happen to be in the same room, Roach is maybe writing in his journal or cleaning his equipment, and Ghost will just start reading aloud to fill the silence. It's something that I feel like becomes routine, like if Ghost is reading and Roach is near, then he'll just subconsciously start reading out loud :)

Affection-wise, I don't think these two would be a very PDA couple, but also because their relationship would actually be prohibited in the military due to their difference in ranks. So even tho they aren't touchy feely, I def do think they show affection through small actions, esp considering that they have to be subtle. I think these two would have a thing for each others' hands. Usually before every mission, when they're about to be deployed or when they're en route to dangerous territory, at least one of them will subconsciously fiddle with the other person's hands. Kind of like a nervous tick, they'll just slowly reach out for the other person.

If they're about to get sent on a dangerous mission or if they're about to be separated, they'll definitely show more affection either through more prominent touches, or softly spoken reassurances. They’ll probably sit just a lil closer to each other, and at least one of them will def appear more glued to the other person’s side. I think Ghost would be the one to pull Roach aside and whisper a tender "be safe" and I think Roach would place his hand on his heart and then point to Ghost as a way of saying "my heart is with you." Just a quick soft moment between the two in case it's the last time they ever see each other again.

Behind closed doors, they're definitely more outward about their love, I mostly think when they're alone they'll just lie together, usually with Ghost having an arm around Roach. Sometimes Roach might teasingly poke around/caress Ghost's face since it's the only time he'll get to see it, and Ghost will just stare at him exasperated (but lovingly). And this is usually when they'll talk about what ifs or any lingering fears they've been having recently. Maybe Roach will talk about the two living on a farm together, or maybe Ghost will suggest bringing Roach out on a proper date one day.

I do have more! But this is getting quite long so lmk if y'all are interested in hearing the others cuz I got some angsty ones too lmao

#a warning to not save your asks as drafts because tumblr WILL eat that shit #gary roach sanderson #simon ghost riley #ghostroach #roachghost #call of duty #cod #mw2 #modern warfare 2 #headcanons #box of words #box of asks #box of posts

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bitter-hibiscus · 1 year ago

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WELL I'M GLAD YOU ASKED-

I was thinking about a post I saw about how Willis wouldn't have hesitated to kill Joker and it got me Thinking:

Willis and David, despite both being abusive towards their children, loved them more than anything else in this world. They are horrible, terrible people, and their children are the most important thing to them.

AND!!!

The things that they love about their children are the worst parts of them.

Willis expresses his desire for Jason to be bigger than he was -- "a damned prince of Gotham," which Jason kind of literally becomes as Red Hood. Willis, from the tidbits we get of Jason's childhood, seemed to encourage selfishness in Jason, because he was willing to do anything for his boy. Willis appreciates the fight Jason has in Rebirth, despite the fact that we as the readers know that Jason's refusal to back down from a fight is the very thing that's ruining him. When Jason was Robin (esp on Starlin's run) you can practically see the parts of Willis that he carries with him, how there's this constant divide between the happiness Bruce has given him and the violence that Willis taught him. It's so good.

And with Cassandra, it's much the same. David also wanted her to be cruel and evil (he wouldn't call it that, of course, he was trying to create perfection) and those are the parts of Cass that he loves. He loves her strength, and her drive, and her devotion to a cause. He does not love that the cause she's chosen is Batman's. He, as a blog I can't quite recall pointed out before, is proud of Cassandra's ability to read body language -- of her inability to communicate normally. And when Cass comes to Bruce (and Barbara), they think it's something they have to fix in her, not something to be loved for. It creates this clean divide between evil David and good Bruce, narratively, but can you imagine what it must feel like to have the thing you thought was the best part of you become something to overcome?

Jason and Cassandra are both the better versions of their fathers. Willis "died" a crook, a nobody, despite according to canon spending years trying to climb up the ladder. Jason gave in to the selfishness and the obsession with power that he saw in Willis growing up, and took over Gotham's criminal empire in two weeks. David is a man who belives in himself and in his ideals, he's quick-witted, he's effective, and Cassandra is just that much more than him. She's better than Batman, she's the strongest fighter in the world, she's everything her father wanted her to become, with the sole exception of refusing to kill people the way he had hoped. She's David Cain in every way except for her kindness.

The place where they differ is: Jason is the worst version of his father, what Willis would have become if he'd succeeded. Cassandra is the good version of her father, the one he could have become if he had different goals for his life.

Jason was nothing like Willis when he was Robin, clinging onto all the love he had in his bleeding heart to be good. When he became Red Hood and let his obsession with Bruce, his need to be loved, take over the good in him, he went down the exact same path as Willis did. He started with a good cause (having enough money to raise his son vs giving the safety Bruce had given him back to the city) and ended up letting the effects of those decisions destroy them. Jason takes all the things Willis taught him and lets them take over his life just as much as his father did, but it's worse, because he's stronger and more powerful than Willis will ever be.

Cassandra, on the other hand, takes all the knowledge that David gave her and spits it back at him. The stubbornness she inherited from him is what she uses when she refuses to kill despite everything David did to her so she would do exactly that. She uses the fighting styles he taught her against David's own allies, the ones she was meant to work with. Despite having the same understanding of the world as David, despite knowing all the things her father does, she will never be the next version of David Cain, because she refused to let go of her inherent beliefs that the world is good and people deserve to be protected.

Also: Jason, in his efforts to not be like Bruce, becomes exactly like Willis. Cassandra, in her efforts to not be like David, becomes exactly like Bruce.

someone should ask me about the parallels of Jason-Willis and Cassandra-David

#this is a lot longer than i thought it was going to be #many many thoughts #ramble ramble ramble #dc comics #cassandra cain #jason todd #red hood #black bat #batgirl #batman #bruce wayne #willis todd #david cain #batfam #character analysis

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baddiedaddy7 · 4 years ago

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💚🐸𝙈𝙚𝙧𝙘𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙎𝙞𝙜𝙣𝙨🐸💚

𝗔𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀

attention span is not long. may ditch old ideas, if they get bored, or find something more interesting. HAS to win an argument. may think being the louder one during an argument is the way to win lmao. talks in a dynamic way. argumentive. may make a good public speaker. may text too fast, and mess up on a few words. communication style is aggressive(always has to be right, loud, might scapegoat, etc). humor may be childish(fart jokes, butt jokes, burp jokes, just dumb shit in general lol), or humor that involves getting injured(hitting your head on something, tripping, etc). slapstick humor

𝗧𝗮𝘂𝗿𝘂𝘀

great attention span, but may be a slow learner or talker. talks with stability/most likely doesn’t stutter. doesn’t mind staying on the same topic/not changing the subject. like aries, in an argument they will rarely admit they were wrong, hard-headed. arguing with these ppl are the worst, since they don’t allow others to have opinions which is annoying asf(my sister has this lmao, and i have a taurus mars, so you could imagine💀). your mind rarely changes, once made up. not the most open minded. talks with practicality. may type slow tbh lmao, and dry. may also take a century to reply. communication style may be passive aggressive(may not like being straightforward, “i didn’t think you’d pass this class, but good job”, etc) humor may be well written skits, or roasts.

𝗚𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗶

attention span is fleeting. curious about numerous of things. may stutter thanks to gemini jittery energy. rarely turns down a debate, might even lie in a disagreement to win😃. first to speak if it’s too quiet for too long. type of person to have random knowledge or may know fun facts. talks with wit. types fast, replies fast, just very active on social media. meme user. sends messages in short patches instead of just one big paragraph. communication style is passive aggressive(may mumble under breath, etc). humor may be random. may love puns.

𝗖𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗿

attention span is good, esp if it’s topics they feel with. may be bias in an argument between other ppl😬. may want to “hug” it out lmao. may like to talk abt emotional topics. talks with care. probably uses emojis a lot. writes paragraphs/in long sentences. communication style varies tbh😭. i’m just gonna do passive-aggressive(backhanded compliments, talks behind your back instead of confronting you) or assertive(expressing your wants and needs, while considering others feelings). inside jokes are your thing, goofy asf with ppl you’re comfortable with. dry humor

𝗟𝗲𝗼

attention span may be short lived. may only talk abt themselves which can be annoying💀. believe it or not, they may take a calm/chill approach in an argument. overdramatic in their speech. talks with confidence. keeps the conversation interesting/not dry. initiator in group chats. usually replies fast. communication style is assertive(uses “i”, knows their worth, etc). playful name calling is their type of humor.

𝗩𝗶𝗿𝗴𝗼

attention span may not be that good tbh(like their opposite sign, they daydream off into the distance). talks with practicality. make sure to fact check, when arguing with these ppl, or they may verbally violate you. very nit picky ppl, and may be big complainers. may abbreviate a lot of words lmao. another dry texting placement, and rarely uses emojis. communication style is passive aggressive(throws shade lmao, may like to just go with the flow, etc). may make fun of yourself to get laughs. might like humor that criticizes/makes fun of things/ppl in general. their humor has some truth to it😓.

𝗟𝗶𝗯𝗿𝗮

attention span is usually good. easy going in speech. talks with equality. can also be charismatic. may ppl please. in arguments, they can try to compromise, and fix everything, even when it’s unfixable. dislikes conflict, and may need to learn to embrace them. may dislike ppl that curse a lot, or are loud. the way you text may be unclear to some. also texting isn’t direct, and may use things like “k” or “nice”. communication style is passive(lacks eye contact, doesn’t want any conflict even though they feel some type of way, etc). another placement that likes well written jokes, and may have a strong dislike for dark/inappropriate humor lol.

𝗦𝗰𝗼𝗿𝗽𝗶𝗼

attention span is attentive. you’re not easy to read, and it can take time to truly know you. you may over analyze and get suspicious over the dumbest things. observant, and might be into psychology. in arguments, doesn’t tolerate dumb shit. can be a bit of a ghost when it comes to texting. tries to get in your business and asks random shit. might not text too much info, since they don’t want ppl to screenshot the chat lmao. assertive is your communication style(considers others feelings, uses “i”, etc) or aggressive(yells, tries to intimidate you, etc). humor may be dark, offensive, and/or taboo/inappropriate. sexual jokes.

𝗦𝗮𝗴𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘂𝘀

attention span is actually good, if they’re interested, if not then it’s non existent. either rlly open or rlly closed minded. you may mistake being blunt for being honest or some ppl may mistake your realness for being rude. talks with rowdiness. in arguments, may be hostile. uses “:), </3” instead of “😃💔” in text. but then again, may use actual emojis a bit. communication style is aggressive(loud, doesn’t consider others feelings, etc). humor may be mocking accents, sarcasm, and/or satire.

𝗖𝗮𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗼𝗿𝗻

attention span is short, if what you’re talking abt isn’t important to us. fluent in atleast 2 languages, which are sarcasm, and facts. we don’t have time or patience for ignorance. we may come off as standoffish, when in reality we just stick to ourselves or we’re just too honest. talks with common sense. talking is soothing, atleast i’ve been told. i feel like we use facts in an argument more than emotions, but me personally i try to include both(this is my placement :)). probably doesn’t use caps in text. may have a lot of ppl on delivered. reply game varies based on person, only replies fast to important ppl. communication style is most likely assertive(has a backbone, stands up for themselves without being loud, etc). humor is satire, dark/offensive, and/or sarcastic. if you have tiktok, you definitely know abt satire humor LMAO.

𝗔𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘂𝘀

attention span is only good if they care. says random things. takes forever to reply. talks with detachment. observant. in arguments, probably doesn’t think of others feelings, and just says whatever. may be harsh in arguing. another placement that probably uses this “<3, :), etc” instead of “❤️😃”. may ghost your messages. communication style is passive aggressive(talks shit behind your back, may not care to confront others, etc). surreal humor, humor is eccentric lol. may like adult animated shows

𝗣𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗲𝘀

attention span isn’t good, since they daydream a lot. might say personal stuff in accident. relatable. great listeners. talks with warm heartedness. cool in arguments, and will stand up for what they feel is right if necessary. another placement that may use emojis a lot. texting may be emotional. shitty grammar. communication style is passive(goes with the flow, bad eye contact/body language, hates drama, etc). another placement that makes jokes abt sex. may joke abt drugs(other ppl doing it or themselves, or ppl acting like their on drugs lmao)

please keep in mind that other things will affect certain traits, like your moon sign. don’t plagiarize, and have a good day🤍

#astrology #zodiac #zodiac signs #astro notes #astro observations #mercury signs #aries mercury #taurus mercury #gemini mercury #cancer mercury #leo mercury #virgo mercury #libra mercury #scorpio mercury #sagittarius mercury #capricorn mercury #aquarius mercury #pisces mercury

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spynorth · 3 years ago

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I know you and I have discussed this a lot, but for the sake of posterity and for the understanding of your followers, will you talk about what it is you disagree with when it comes to Lucas/John in popular "fanon" and why you disagree?

I've been so lazy that I haven't wanted to do this but I can't think of anything else so here we go. There was a .. movement? what would you call it??.. when series 9 of spooks aired (along with quite a few years after) that was prevalent here on tumblr with the personals where people would have things like i believe in lucas north and lucas north lives and even back then when I had no thoughts whatsoever as to character complexity and how much fun it is to dive into things... it just felt so wrong to me. So basically a hugely popular fanon idea is that the writers intended for Lucas to have a split identity .. and tbh I think that is nothing more than fan attempts to reconcile the idea that this pretty white boy fave of a character is suddenly found out to be a lying, manipulative, terrorist. And I get that emotion behind the discovery and also find it really ironic because I don't know if fans of the show are putting two and two together that the characters that are his colleagues are probably feeling the exact same way? In fact, there's ample evidence that that's the case. But anyways, i guess my unpopular anti-fanon belief (so essentially the essence of what i disagree with when it comes to their ideas) is that Lucas is not excusable. He does not have remorse. He did not forget that he did what he did and sudden have some jekyll and hyde reawakening. He is very much aware. I'm gonna go through each ep in series 9 to bring up the aspects that make me think that, and I'll be sure to include the counter arguments for certain parts too. I'm gonna include links to the episode and timestamps for each point made but I don't think it works in countries outside the us so I apologize for that.

A little disclaimer that I hit the limit so I will have to make a separate post in regards to my evidence from episode 8. i apologize.

Episode 1

This one starts off pretty much like any other. You kind of get the vibe that the whole trauma of harry + ruth is gonna be the main focus but during the last 1:49 vaughn enters the chat and it get so fucking interesting. So if you watch the episode (linked above in the heading) and get to 56:17, the following interactions begins:

Vaughn: It's not really you, is it?

Lucas seems very confused here at first. There's a little indulgent smile and a shake of his head that does give off that vibe of 'who the fuck are you?' so I get why people tend to argue that he doesn't recognize him. But it's important to remember that in the next camera angle we see vaughn step out of the shadows and towards him.

Vaughn: 15 years and you look just the same. Seems terribly unfair. Lucas: Get away from me.

Alright, pause. I mean. could he just be freaked out by a dude who is talking like he knows him and invading his space given his past trauma being incarcerated during an operation? of course. But the way he steps back, that body language, that expression...I don't always believe that RA is the best actor (esp when it comes to voice inflection etc) but he really does sell series 9 of lucas for me with the slight gestures etc and this is where that really begins. During this conversation, Lucas circles around Vaughn, shoulders straight and square. He's ready for a fight. They talk a bit and at mark 56:46, there's the following:

lucas: whatever it is you want, vaughn, you're not getting it from me.

A few things I love about this line as far as what I use to justify my opinion about this arc (is it opinion when its glaringly obvious? idk idk) are that 1) it shows he does in fact know him and 2) the way lucas' voice cracks in a moment of what i can only assume is apprehension and a bit of fear blended with the phrasing ("you're not getting it from me.") really feels like lucas knows exactly whats up. he has one fear in regards to this situation and he's really fucking hoping he's wrong. but. alas. When vaughn claims to be giving up, says he's going to leave him alone, lucas swallows three times. I'm a swallower. in a non dirty way. But when I'm trying to release tension, especially tension in regards to anxiety in relation to a situation that could really bite me in the ass .. I also swallow it down. That's where the phrase swallow your fear came from actually. the physical tendency that people have to do that in situations such as this. But anyways, Lucas is trying to relax, to take control of his discomfiture, but Vaughn delivers some great parting lines and I think Lucas' reactions to those alone negate the whole he didn't know thing, but I'm still gonna go episode by episode because I love research papers.

Vaughn: just tell me one thing. I'm too curious. what's it been like? Lucas: what's what been like? Vaughn: Being lucas north, of course.

THAT IS THE MOST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE COMMENT. (57:15 if you need specifics) And Lucas looks at him with an expression that I will admit is a bit unreadable. But I think it can be inferred to be like oh please god don't let this go where I think it's going because of his reaction to Vaughn's final parting comment of "Good to see you, john." Lucas isn't confused by that comment. He swallows and closes his eyes and clenches his fist because the one person that can make his carefully constructed lie tighten around his neck has just played his cards and showed that he has no trouble doing so. It's not confusion that crosses Lucas's face. It's sheer fucking panic. You don't have to look wild eyed and sweaty to be in a state of terror. In fact, deer in the headlights is a very real thing and I think we get a great glimpse of that here.

Episode 2.

There is a lot I could say about this episode in regards to his development and the fleshing out of his backstory as far as his canon background with maya goes but I'm keeping this strictly about the things that make me believe he is a fucking manipulative mastermind and not rehashing his whole story. So yeah, if you know the show, I'm leaving things about. but his attempt at rekindling a romantic relationship with her has nothing to do (right now in the series at least) with evidence that is knowingly lying and 100% aware of the bombing of dakar and the part he played etc etc. In short, the only thing I can really say about this episode in regards to proof of what he was doing, is that he uses the idea that he's arguing for beth's reinstatement as a way to tack on asking harry for the level a clearance he needs in order to look into what vaughn might possibly be after. He does have the following conversation with maya (56:49).

lucas: maya, when i was in africa, something happened. i couldn't risk bringing it home to you. i couldn't.

I have a lot i could say about lucas and the unhealthy relationship with maya (in regards to the way he treats her etc) but I don't know if i'll ever waste my time considering she isn't featured on this blog... but if i did..it would be in another post. My main reason for including the above quote is because, though ambiguous, it does give another hint that he is well aware something happened when he was in africa before joining mi5 (pre lucas north, if you will). I said ambiguous because I know there's a vibe of well he didn't know what part he played in it due to forgotten memories via trauma and like .. ok. I'll bite. for now, we'll say it's ambiguous. But I'm including it seeing as how I will refer to it in the future of this post.

Episode 3.

This is a fun episode for me because it really paints a pic of how dedicated Lucas is too painting whatever picture he needs to achieve his goals, and it does it through a scene with him and Maya. Twelve minutes in to the beginning, he gives her a call. Tells her he's ready to come clean. Direct quote is "I want to tell you everything. Tonight." A lot of shit goes down in the episode (i mean, it's a spy show. it cant all be double life rogue agent soap opera stuff, right?) and eventually at the 55:30 mark, we get a scene where maya visits his flat. Soooo Important and I really want to break the whole thing down but I think I'm gonna do the whole transcription first and then attack it point by point.

maya: you lie to me and i swear you will never see me again. lucas: okay. come in. maya: why did you let me believe you were dead? lucas: alright. i went to prison for eight years. Is that good enough? maya: prison? Why, did you kill someone? lucas: no. maya: did you hurt someone, then? lucas: no. maya: I suppose you're innocent? lucas: no. maya: Why did you decide to turn up now? lucas: a photograph of you. all those years I'd spent trying to forget, they just fell away. I had to see you. maya: is that true? lucas: every word.

Alright. *rubs my hands together*. This is so fantastic. And I am coming at this not just as someone who has tried to do research on the whim of his own vibe, but also as someone who knows the strategies for lying, knows the dedication to the tiniest of details that you have to remember. One of the most important strategies in crafting a believable story and wanting to win the other person over, is telling just enough truth to make the lie not a lie. What do I mean? Take the above conversation for example. From the very beginning, maya is straight forward and up front with what she wants of him and Lucas seemingly agrees - but straight out of the gate he is lying by definition of omitting the truth. He did not let her believe he was dead because he was in prison. Lucas was incarcerated while on a mission in Russia for mi5. He had already abandoned maya and essentially played dead but by referencing both the incarceration and the time length with no other details, he allows her to fill in the gaps. We can assume based on her reactions and further questions, that she associates this answer with the one I cited above in episode 2. It would be a logical jump on her part to tie him saying he was in prison for eight years as being related to the thing he told her that he hadn't wanted to bring home to her. Which .. it wasn't. It wasn't at all. so. That's lie 1. He continues to lie by omission as the conversation continues. She asks if he hurt someone or killed them. He answers no. Technically not a lie since being found out during a covert operation wasn't directly related to him killing or harming anyone, but he is allowing his answers to be tied into his prison answer which, as discussed, was not actually why he was gone at all. So, Lies 2 and 3. The fourth and final lie (in this scene anyways) is his declaration that every word is true. Is it? in a way, yes. but only because he knows how to spin it. he knows how to lie without lying. a perfect unraveling of the truth. Oof. Lucas..my boy ... oof.

Episode 4

We start off with a shot of lucas and maya in his bedroom (aw. romance in falsehoods. i love it) and as he begins to get ready for work after mi5 calls him, the following happens:

maya: i don't even know what you do, john. lucas: private security consultant.

MAN. Man oh man. I love that we are staying true to that whole tell me the truth and nothing but the truth thing. Granted, granted, I am not a polarizing asshole and I do understand that hes in mi5 and that whole secrecy and lying thing comes with the territory but damn is he good at it. that fucker didn't even hesitate. but anyways, this is a great point to show that he is still a lying liar who lies. Anyways, the show goes on - ooh spy stuff. I forgot this show actually dealt with spy stuff. I've been caught up in the liar liar pants on fire plotine of it all - and at 20:47 (in the middle of an operation. pesky career. getting in the way of everything) vaughn calls lucas on his mobile. he tells him he wants him to retrieve a file (albany) and ends the call with:

vaughn: please. they won't leave me alone. do this for me and i'm gone. forever. you can carry on with whatever life you want.

Lucas understandably has a meltdown after he hangs up (no music, distorted camera, he's grabbing his hair. it's all very bbc one drama of them) but again, we have that declaration of vaughn that i think is so important. with whatever life you want. lucas doesnt question this. he's not like 'yo jorah, what the fuck are you on about? go back to dany." (granted asoiaf was in the future but i mean. let me have this joke). like he doesn't act liek its cryptic at all. he is straight up like ahhhhhh and pulls at his hair until he resembles albert einstein. boy knows.

So then more spy show (whyyyy. i'm trying to watch this character deconstruct at the most base of levels. why must you show me actual spy right now) until we get to a scene at 22:01. Lucas is in the grid's data vault. it's literally big white letters that flash across the screen. Thames House Data Vault. they do not want you to miss it. bbc really went: insert giant gif of waving red flag here. So anyways, king of the boy scouts is in the data vault. it's very data vaulty. lots of flashing lights and giant monitors. just what i've always imagined a data vault to me. he has a moment where hes like .. no .. no .. i cant (i think they missed a chance for a dramatic instrumental here personally) and the show goes on until he returns to the vault at 34:56 and he basically uses the system to rewrite it, bypass some firewalls and grabs albany while using another employee's credentials to make it look like he accessed it instead of lucas. that throne of lies is just getting more ornate. His colleague ruth catches him out as he leaves. That's important later. but the conversation they have at the time is pertaining to their current operation and she doesnt mention the data vault. anyways, he meets vaughn to deliver albany at 42:01 and the following occurs:

vaughn: hope you covered your tracks. did you use a fall guy? course you did. didn't have to do that, of course. you could have taken a risk. talked your way out of it. harry pearce would have believed you. still, better to be safe than sorry. best to set someone up. whose life did you ruin today, john? lucas: look, i did what you asked. I helped you. Now you and I are done. vaughn: you didn't do this for me. you did this for you.

I mean, vaughn is so accurate. In all of this. Lucas could have probably talked to harry. in fact, I think that's what the 'lucas north' people believed he was would have done if he was staying true to the role he had been playing. but he didn't. know why? because taking the gamble of talking your way out of something like this would mean he was taking the gamble of a lot of his secrets coming to light. to a liar who has so carefully constructed a web like his, you don't want to risk a single strand. and the whose life did you ruin today, john? just fucking kills me every time. And that comes back to roost later in the episode when the operation of the day has been wrapped up and an interaction with the team back at home base in the grid happens. ruth asks everyone if they know of a stephen owen from section g who is being accused of stealing files and corrupting the data system. She looks right at Lucas and is like "he's only 22. he'll serve time for that". She knew something was up. Which is proved later, but we'll get to that. anyways, boy george still didn't come clean.

Episode 5

this episode literally has nothing to do with proving lucas is an asshole but the ending of this episode at 57:37 when he goes to visit maya and she mentions that her boyfriend is there AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE VAUGHN MAKES ME LAUGH EVERY FUCKING TIME LIKE WELL PLAYED MY LITTLE CREATURE BLACKMAILER MAN. fuck what a douchebag i love it.

Episode 6

THIS EPISODE IS MY FAVORITE IN REGARDS TO THE LUCAS IS NOT INNOCENT DISPLAYS OF TERMINAL DOUCHEBAGGERY. I'm gonna try to not use capslock during this whole thing. There's so much I want to say about the entire mindfuck that is the last scene I mentioned above but .. deep breath...that's not important. I will admit that I do have a bit of an emotional tug for lucas because god I can feel that terror. I've been there. That feeling of everything falling down, it's becoming too much. Which comes up later in this ep. So anyways, a lot of shit happens (this episode is actually one of my favorites) and it all involves lucas trying to be a douche canoe for vaughn while also doing his job .. which ... mult tasking is clearly not his good point. At one point he stops by the house of a retired colleague to pick up the supposed actual albany file (the location was found using the file that lucas got for vaughn originally). he has an asset with him while it happens named danielle. he leaves her in the car. she knows something shady is up. she snoops. shit once again goes all spy drama on us and we're suddenly at the ending scene with danielle shot in the neck and lucas claiming to get help. This is actually a really emotional scene for me. I don't know why. you know when you get that heavy feeling in your chest because a scene is just so weighted? yeah. i feel that tug every time. But at 47:09, we get this:

lucas: let me see. danielle: it's bad, right? lucas:danielle: hey, look at you. you didn't lie. lucas: yeah, keep the pressure on. really tight. danielle: oh, please don't let me die. please. I won't say anything. I won't tell no one what happened. Just don't let me die. lucas: I'm not gonna let you die. I'm gonna call you an ambulance.

So he gets up and he actually does dial emergency services. But as he is digging for the dead gunman's phone and dialing said emergency services, danielle keeps speaking.

danielle: I.. I promise I won't tell them about the house. About albany....

Lucas looks at her, pretty fucking stricken in his expression and as the mobile phone is on speaker, we hear the whole emergency services, which service do you require? hello? and about 30 seconds go by where lucas is watching danielle bleed until he presses the button on the phone (hanging it up) and pretends to give their location. I've seen people argue that he just took it off speaker but at 48:20 he puts the phone right next to her, zoomed in on by the camera, without pressing any other buttons.. and it is entirely too obvious that the fucking thing is not on the line with anyone. And then my fucking heart gets ripped out because someone at bbc got wise in the use of soundtracks and the most emotional music plays while lucas gathers danielle up in his arms and offers to put pressure on her wound for her. The camera zooms in and shows him moving his fingers away, allowing her to bleed out. Besides just destroying my soul emotionally, this scene really cements to me that bubba ain't got no qualms about lying to protect his own ass. just saying.

it ends with ruth admitting to harry that she has put a keystroke intercept on lucas' computer because she doesn't trust him due to him suddenly acting erratically. It cuts back to lucas who is getting a phone call from vaughn saying the albany file he just delivered in this episode is a fake. Now, at 57:38 he goes into the colleague he visited earlier's (now) empty flat and starts rubbing at his neck because he isn't sure where to go or what to do next. he's uncomfortable, clearly. The show also does its first distorted and blurred image of him before showing him lose it and people sort of cite this as some beginning of a jekyll and hyde breakdown? and this seems to be where the beginning of the whole theory comes into play? which. no. false. shut up janice. it's a camera angle meant to show he is LOSING IT in the sense his entire fucking world is threatened. The house of cards is beginning to tumble. the desperation is coming out.

**NOW. THE IMPORTANT EPISODES. THE FINAL COUNTDOWN** A few notes if i can. There is a lot of things I'm going to go over in these two episodes. A lot of misconceptions I will point out and disagree with. Forensic psychology research combined with a good ol' healthy dose of lessons in not taking everything at face value is really helpful here. If you read nothing out of this entire thing, please read these two sections.

episode 7

I'm cutting to scenes because we don't have time for explanations so if you want more context, definitely watch because this and 8 are so good. anyways. There's a scene where beth (another agent) follows lucas to a park where he meets and attempts to kill vaughn. Beth stops him and he points his weapon at herThe following conversation happens (26:55):

beth: you won't kill me. I know you won't. lucas: you don't know anything about me. beth: maybe not. but I've seen you risk your life to save others. And I believe in you. We all do.

this is a fantastic exchange because it brings up a really good point i want to make about pathological liars. the ability allows you to fit into any role. his ability to fully embrace the falsehood that is him being lucas north has created doubt in his colleagues when it comes to believing him capable of horrible things. they are ready to accept his innocence, his explanations... which is shown in the conversation where lucas 'comes clean' (i use the term so loosely here) to harry pearce in a later scene.

It begins at 30:18.

harry: one lucas north in dakar i can accept. two is stretching credibility. who is he, lucas? lucas: listen, harry. I know this looks suspicious. harry: somewhat.

There's a pause while lucas sighs and shakes his head, takes a few deep breaths. Overwhelmed by admitting his guilt? Or is he using that act in the means of buying precious seconds to figure out a plan? your opinion.

harry: let me be clear. the dakar bombing happened on my watch. seventeen people were killed on that day. And for 15 years they've gone without justice. So, you do not leave this room until you explain the full extent of your involvement in that atrocity. Do you understand?

I'm gonna cut in super quick just to say that at this point, Lucas flips over the picture that harry has given him of the real lucas north so that it is no longer face up. guilt? maybe. I also think it can be a way of not having anything that represents the truth staring at him in order to help him pull off his story (which my reasoning for this will be cited a bit further down)

lucas: My name isn't Lucas North. My name's John Bateman. harry: damn you. damn you! God knows I've had my share of betrayals. But not you. lucas: i'm sorry. harry: why were you in dakar? lucas: At university I fell in with a guy that fancied himself as a big time drugs dealer. He was shipping cannabis from dakar to hamburg. he asked me to go with him. harry: which you did. lucas: which i did. of course, idiots that we were, we got caught. luckily, the military police were open to persuasion. they took the drugs, they took everything. I was stranded in Dakar with no ticket home, no passport. I needed to pay my way back and I'd done some croupier work back in the uk, so i got a job in a casino. and thats where i met vaughn edwards. he was a regular. he said he worked in the exports business. he was always lucky. he seemed to have everything, I admit I was impressed.

I'm going to cut in here and add a little note that the quote about being impressed by vaughn ties in nicely to the post i made about john's background (a lot of it is just me fleshing out the faint lines canon gives us) and his desire to feel special which can be found here. Continuing the scene with harry ...

lucas: we met by chance a few times. or at least i thought it was by chance. he took an interest in me. eventually, he told me what he really did. small deniable errands for the british government. he asked me if i wanted in. i said yes. harry: what sort of errands did you run for vaughn? lucas: courier work, mostly. taking briefcases to people, places. I never asked what was in them. it was exciting, at first, and very well paid. harry: and you had no qualms about what you might be doing? lucas: vaughn told me that we were working indirectly for the uk government. i believed him. harry: it suited you to believe him. lucas: yeah, maybe. In those days, my morality was fluid.

I'm gonna stop right here and say - IN THOSE DAYS?? boy you just let a woman die in the previous episode. get the fuck out. So obviously right then and there, we get the vibe (the knowledge? its more than a vibe) that lucas is lying. this whole conversation so far has been a manipulation tactic. he is CLEARLY laying the blame on vaughn and setting himself up as the easily manipulated younger man who thought he was doing the right thing. but anyways. we continue.

lucas: .. but then there was lucas north. he worked in the casino bar. he was the only other Brit on the staff. I think he'd had a tough life, but he was clever, funny. And we became friends. I thought he was just another drifter, but he was in Dakar for a reason. harry: which was? lucas: spies. harry: why? what was the interest? lucas: vaughn. he knew all about vaughn. he knew he was a mercenary, he told me to walk away from him. I didn't want to hear that. harry: you're evading the question. why was he so interested in the intelligence community? lucas: because he was going to join MI5. harry: oh, please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going. lucas: he'd already got through the first round. and all the background checks were cleared. the only thing left was the face-to-face. he really loved his country, you know. I used to laugh at him for that. But he already knew something that it took me 15 years to find out. I'd made more than enough money. I was all ready to come back to the uk. but vaughn asked me to do one more job. it was more money than all the others combined. harry: what was the job? lucas: harry .. harry: what. was. the job. lucas: to take a package. to deliver a package. to the british embassy in dakar.

Alright first off, if you watch the question and answer scene and get to this part, he is fake crying. RA can do a good pretend job of crying in his roles. this is very obvious fake crying. He is making his voice quaver and he is covering his mouth which is a gesture used by people in the midst of lying or trying to convey emotion they might otherwise not be feeling. On top of that, I believe the quiet saying of harry's name when harry questions him on the nature of job is also a move well done on lucas' part. He goes on and talks about the aftermath of the bomb, in very emotional detail. The flashback scene as he tells it shows him leaving a suitcase in the embassy and leaving, quickly cutting to a few minutes later where he appears to be looking on in horror at the aftermath. It leaves it ambiguous and open. Much like harry, we are left to believe that he was manipulated, that he had no idea .. and I think this is one of the biggest instances that fanon latches onto.

He goes on and describes a panicked horror caused by the trauma of being involved in such a thing, which is believable, yes. He explains that when the real lucas confronted him about the bombing, vaughn shot him dead and urged lucas to hurry and grab the other man's passport. that they needed to leave the country asap.

Again, I'm reiterating that I believe this to be a ploy by a liar out to save his own skin. I will explain a bit further in a few minutes. He ends the conversation with harry in a fit of ethos and pathos style arguments. He appeals to the older man as the false colleague and friend that he thought he knew. relies on that camarderie that's been built up over the years to pull him through. I will give the specific quotes I am talking about without worrying about harry's comments between.

lucas: come on, what do you want me to say harry? i'm trying to be honest with you. yes, i'd like to tell you that i felt something as normal as anger. That some sudden surge of nobility meant that i didn't take that passport, I didn't go to the docks and I didn't run for my miserable life. I'd like to say anything that would take that look of utter contempt out of your eyes. so, please, don't tempt me.

lucas: all you have to do is trust that I want to get out of this mess. and this is my only chance. By finding Vaughn. now, this may not mean much, but you know that i've put my life on the line for this country, you know that. i tried to do all the good that lucas would have done if he'd lived. That's never been a lie. that's the deal that i make with him every single day.

that irritates me so much because it is such obvious BS but anyways. harry does allow lucas to leave and he ends up finding vaughn. They have the following conversation before Vaughn's death. (50:10)

lucas: i told them. vaughn: you told them? lucas: everything. vaughn: oh, i doubt that. I doubt that very much. what did you tell them, john?

So it once more shows flashbacks as similar to the conversation with harry, but this time we are shown that lucas knew the suitcase he took to the embassy was a bomb. He was shown how it worked along with how to detonate it.

vaughn: did you tell them that you didn't know? oh, no. no, i know what you did. you told them it was me. didn't you?

Again, we build the throne of lies ever higher because the memory sequence now shows lucas strangling the real lucas north. it wasn't vaughn at all. And I'd like to reiterate for a moment the fact that strangling takes so much effort and dedication. lucas struggled against john, he fought. John had to hold on while his friend fought for his life. he could have stopped at any time, could have let the struggles appeal to some humanity inside him - but no. he didn't. he was determined to save himself.

vaughn: I wonder if you can even remember the truth of what you were? you're a killer john. who fell asleep, dreamed he was a hero. but, now its time to wake up and remember the truth. the dream is over now. and the killer .. is awake.

alright, so. This paragraph right here is the one everybody uses to sort of build up this repressed trauma memory theory and argue that theres a fracture in his psyche and this battle between lucas vs john comes into play. I get it, I do. memories repressed because of trauma are a very real thing and so is fractured identity in regards to ptsd but I'm immediately throwing that out because the only way to possibly have a fractured identity that results in two personas is through DID. and lucas does not have that and if he did, the show would have handled it poorly. i'm not even fucking touching that. I want to start with the first line of this quote. I wonder if you can even remember the truth of what you were? I don't personally believe that the metaphor of falling asleep and dreaming is referring to actually repressing anything?? It is my belief that this is referring to a very real thing that happens when you build your existence around a multitude of lies. I've said it in a few posts already, but I've lived the alternate life to hide from things. I've gone that route. Obviously not to the murdered my friend and stole his identity sense, but I have crafted a fake life that totally had people going for 16 years until i finally said fuck it and told my parents the truth. There's a thing about constructing those lives. You have to convince your brain that certain things are real. You know they are lies, you never forget it .. but at some point you begin to doubt yourself. You add details to the lies, little nuances to make them more complex and suddenly you can't remember if thats how it happened or not. It is easy to lie to yourself about the truth and I think that is what vaughn is referring to. not that lucas actually forgot. and I personally believe that the dreaming metaphor has more to do with pretending, with the fact that lucas found sanctuary in this new life but now everything has been found out. And the killer is awake is a nice punctuation mark to the fact that once again lucas north is acting out the events of dakar. he kills vaughn, the only link to the truth, much like he killed the original lucas. he is a liar. this is his true personality, his nature. its not a dr jekyll mr hyde thing.

there is a quote that goes around a lot from richard armitage which bugs the fuck out of me because people use it out of context but the one fans of lucas love to use is the following:

"Suddenly, it’s like an awakening and … it’s like John Bateman starts to kind of wake up and say, “Hang on, what about me?”

I just. this makes me want to pull my fucking hair out. it's not literal. richard has even said that its not literal but i think people like to plug their fingers into their ears and sing their white boy apologist theme songs. But anyways, this quote, in my opinion, is a reference to what happens when that exterior you put on for other people starts to give way to the base instinct that is the core of your own individual personality. I am a friendly person. Most people on this site I'm fairly certain would agree with that. I'm easy to get along with, I'm charismatic, I'm chill...and I've learned how to use those qualities to my advantage over the years off tumblr. I can be a horribly mean person. We all can, i think. but the base character of my personality is an arrogant egoist with extreme narcissistic tendencies. extreme. I work at it. I don't let that be all that i am. I go to therapy. I have a support system that helps me realize when I'm doing wrong. But my base personlity - the john bateman to my lucas north, if you will - is an asshole. and that will always be my instinct. and when something sets me off, my killer wakes up too.

#long post //#murder //#terrorism //#pathological lying //#such a LONG FUCKING POST.#anyways read this or perish :: knife emoji ::#* headcanon. betrayal is a cancer. let it eat your soul. not mine.

6 notes · View notes

palmett-hoes · 4 years ago

Note

Do you have any fan casts or strong takes/feelings on the foxes’ appearances? Fandom tends to use the same Pinterest models, which feels wrong to me.

i do in fact! i've actually been meaning to make a post about how i choose to write all of the foxes' ethnicities anyway

but yes i absolutely agree that the typical pinterest model types u generally see on edits is not how i see any of them. nor is reece king or froy gutierrez or lucky blue smith one of my FCs for anyone

for a lot of them i don't necessarily have a single specific FC so much as i have like,, a general impression of features that i will see on various different people, who all may look wildly different from each other or who may not even look how i see the character as a whole but do have a specific feature i associate with them. mostly it boils down to the Energy i get tbh and that's just a Feeling i cant even explain

fun fact im a tiny bit face blind so that might account for some of why i'm so all-over about this

may as well go chronologically. some of them i definitely have more thoughts on than others

1. Dan

ethnicity: Afro Native (Sioux)

features: medium dark skin. buzzcut, killer fade. she often styles it in waves. she's very butch, wears a lot of basketball and cargo shorts, tank tops and flannels and jerseys, hiking boots. skinny but muscular, with a very rectangular body shape. defined jaw. probably like 5'4 or 5'5

FC/Energy: sometimes i get some dan energy out of janelle monae but more butch. lotta dan energy out of samira wiley. lashana lynch

2. Kevin

ethnicity: a lot of things tbd, but he's pretty multi-ethnic. i like the idea of kayleigh being half- or a quarter-japanese in addition to irish because it gives her more of a reason to go to japan for her undergrad. wymack is from d.c. which is a majority black city for its actual residents, but i also like the idea of him being Pasifika/Hawaiian. HOWEVER - and this is pretty important to my read of kevin's character - he's white passing, and has been mostly treated as a white guy who tans his whole life, like occasionally asked if he's italian maybe. learning that his father was a Distinctly Not White Man was a big shock to him.

kristin kreuk, lindsay price, phoebe cates, and marie digby are all half-asian actresses i base kayleigh on

i suppose i base his story partially on broadway actress carol channing, who revealed publically that she was a quarter black when she was like 80 years old. though maybe wentworth miller, a biracial actor who knows his father is black but also doesn't know him, is more accurate to kevin's story. then keanu reeves is a white passing actor with asian ancestry

also none of these people look anything like how i picture kevin lol. kevin is just like,, a guy. handsome ig. but kind of in a CW character kind of way

actually

kevin looks exactly like young jason momoa

3. Andrew

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

features: fat and muscular, very wide and heavy. this blog is basically all andrew body type refs. medium-olive skin, has a bit of a greyish tinge that makes him look a bit eerie or unhealthy. deep set, droopy eyes; looks so tired. flat face with a low-bridged nose. crooked teeth, especially his canines. natural hair black-ish but he bleaches it light blond. has the beginnings of martial artist punching callouses in his knuckles

FC/Energy: holy shit the characters i feel have Andrew Energy are all over the place. pedro pascal. babe ruth (yes fr). oddjob (harold sakata) from goldfinger. the jinn (mousa kraish) from american gods. gaear grimsrud (peter stormare) from fargo. takeshi kovacs (joel kinnaman) from altered carbon. and i wanna be clear, it's these characters specifically, and generally NOT the actors outside of that specific role. except pedro ❤️

4. Matt

ethnicity: cuban

appearance: matt has more of an Energy than specific features to me rn. that energy is Warm. he has that Warm bro jock dude energy. kind of a marvel hero build, hunky and muscular. very rectangular face. has this haircut:

5. Aaron

i get to cut myself some slack and not go AS in depth about aaron because he and andrew are identical twins

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

appearance: similar build to andrew, less confident and casual posture and body language. less apathetically murderous and more emotive expressions. better teeth bc his mom took him to the dentist. yes also bleaches his hair

celebrities: probably a lot like the difference between the characters and the actors. andrew is the characters and aaron is how the actors actually look. idk ive never looked at someone and thought 'hey! looks like aaron!'

6. Seth

ethnicity: have been going with half-vietnamese. considering looking into various south asian possibilities like pakistani

appearance: string bean build. that's all i have to offer

7. Allison

ethnicity: allison's very up in the air for me. she and seth are the two foxes i feel fine with being white, but im committing to having no white foxes sooo. i would say i generally see her as either half-middle eastern or chinese

appearance: plus sized and hourglass shaped. heart shaped face. taller, like 5'8 or 5'9. she has a pretty fraught history with her appearance and her parents payed for/pressured her into getting a nose job to have a 'prettier' nose. she also bleaches her hair blonde. she gets it done at a salon tho the twinyards do it in their bathroom

FC/Energy: elle king and nadia aboulhosn are my main inspos for her, esp body type but nadia esp in Vibes

8. Nicky

ethnicity: multi-ethnic. his mother is southern mexican Indigenous, possibly oaxacan. his father is mixed white/kayin

appearance: definitely takes after his mother while his father is white passing. dark brown skin, warm undertones. slightly stocky build. tall ovular head and thin aquiline nose. he's kind of just,, the opposite of the twins ig, so like their facial features look very different, which is a big part of why people don't make the connection between him and the twins alongside the difference in their skin tones, heights, and builds. nicky's build and features are very vertically-oriented, with a tall head, narrow-set eyes, thin nose with a high bridge, etc. the twins are horizontally-orienged, with broad, flat faces, wide-set eyes, wide noses with a low bridge, etc.

FC/Energy: yalitza aparicio, not a guy but one of the few Mexican Indigenous stars in the film industry and i really like her features for nicky. she's oaxacan

9. Renee

ethnicity: Black. african american

appearance: plus sized, circular/apple body shape. round face. dark skin. microlocs to a bit past her chin, bleached white and dyed at the ends. she and allison go to the salon together. femme but plain style, a lot of blouses and long skirts, practical shoes. knuckle callouses. about 5'6

FC/Energy: dominique fishback. tracie thoms, esp in RENT. gabourey sidibe. nicole byer, but not in Energy. brandy, for some reason, probably bc i think she has very serene Energy and is a little bit otherworldly. like if brandy played arwen or galadriel from lotr it would make perfect sense to me, and that's the Renee Energy™️

10. Neil

ethnicity: mixed. Black/Jewish on both sides. his father is polish ashkenazi and afro-brazilian. his mother is Black British and algerian jewish

appearance: very... sharp. like sharp all over. does that make sense? sharp features, sharp face shape, sharp angles to his body. he's got what i vaguely think of as a 'basketball build' not meaning tall but meaning very rangy and angular and lean. all limbs. seth has a similar build. lighter brown skin. he has waardenburg syndrome which is actually where he gets he gets his eye color, and his eyes are very large and widely spaced as well. freckles freckles freckles. freckles everywhere. 4a hair but at least during canon it's not very healthy and thus the curls aren't well-defined. he grows it out long enough to tie back and starts taking better care of it in post-canon. wonky, slightly crooked teeth, with a gap between the fronts

FC/Energy: now neil i actually have a ton for. mostly models which im a lil ashamed of bc i do try to draw more from athletes. alton mason is a main body type ref. mugsy bogues is good to see what i mean about the basketball build without the height. here're the boys: cykeem white, luka sabbat, désiré mia, Leo Hoyte-Egan, dylan hasselbaink, this beautiful stock photo model i've never been able to track down

i think about him every. goddamn. day.

in terms of like,, real ppl and not models: corbin bleu, especially during Jump In. figure skater elladj balde. rayan "ray ray" lopez from mindless behavior. A$AP Rocky a lil bit, maybe i just like his hairstyle idk

two more models i think are important: carissa pinkston and ralph souffrant

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hmsannlett · 5 years ago

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Some mid-S4, Mary-has-just-come-to-camp-and-things-are-tense-with-Anna thoughts coming for you that have been brewing for a while tbh.

This is an old opinion and something the fandom already almost unanimously agrees upon and has since the beginning, but I so, so wish the Anna/Abe affair hadn’t been written in. There are a many things that bug me about it, but one of the consequences of it that I think is a real shame and detriment to the show is the wedge that it drives even deeper between Mary and Anna.

In a show where female friendships are already few and far between, it’s disappointing to see what could have been an excellent dynamic be tainted by past betrayal and hurt (and the hurt is completely justified on Mary’s part, to be clear). I adore the times when Mary and Anna work together to solve issues (usually Abe’s *sigh*) and so wish we had been able to see more of that kind of female relationship – women working together to accomplish a shared goal (even if just for individual instances and not for long-term goals or a sustained friendship). Those few scenes between Mary and Anna are a breath of fresh air within the larger context of the fairly catty relationships we see between women – but even then, the cloud of Abe’s and Anna’s affair hangs over the Mary and Anna scenes, even if it isn’t mentioned in dialogue.

I know the show tried to create a female friendship with Anna and Abigail, but it’s always felt off and unevenly-written to me, not to mention being pretty implausible historically. The power imbalance between them even after Abigail is freed is too significant for a genuine friendship between them to exist, which is something the show does seem to try to hint at every so often, but it’s inconsistent with their bonding and having close conversations (esp. Anna’s begging Abigail in S1).

And the same goes for Peggy and Abigail. Peggy has moments of seeming-understanding for Abigail, but when it benefits her to, she pulls the white authority card and uses her privilege against Abigail. Again, not really a friendship, even though Peggy confides in Abigail often (which is probably more because she knows Abigail won’t talk). Note that Abigail rarely does the same. Though Abigail cares for Peggy and seems to feel some measure of closeness, she certainly does not feel like the best of friends with Peggy (and understandably so, given how Peggy has no problem showing Abigail her “place”), as shown in her body language in each scene with Peggy and constant verbal deference to her.

All this to say, it would have been impossible to make Abigail have a genuine, reciprocal friendship with either Anna or Peggy, given the societal dynamics of the time and their respective positions of power over her. (Now, would I have loved to have seen a historically accurate, genuine female friendship for her? Absolutely!! Abigail deserves all the good things and way more screen time.)

And...that’s about it in the way of female friendships in the show. Yes, Mary and Ann Bates have a “friendship” from Ann’s perspective, but it’s short-lived and duplicitous. Ann and Hester are friends, but their friendship largely consists of gossiping about Anna and conniving against her. Peggy and her friends/sisters aren’t shown very often, but even when they are, it’s usually Peggy having the upper hand in the scene or her friends/sisters automatically deferring to her, with no expression of mutual friendship. Mary’s sewing circle is more about gossip, smearing people, and using Mary to gain information than any actual bonding among women. And don’t even get me started on Peggy/Philomena. It’s Mary/Anna on steroids.

One could argue that all of the twisted dynamics of the female relationships in the show are because it’s a show about war (and one about spying and distrust, no less), and everyone is working their own agenda for their own ends or for their side. But I don’t think that argument holds water. With the male characters allowed friendships like the ones between Ben/Caleb, Ben/Caleb/Abe, Richard/Hewlett, Ben/Selah, even Ben/Caleb/Sackett (even though it’s more of a mentor dynamic), it’s deeply disappointing that the women are portrayed as being so divisive and self-serving.

One could also point out that all of those friendships are between men who are on the same sides as each other, so of course they would get along well compared to Mary/Anna, but to that I have to point to Ben and Andre. They couldn’t be even more of rivals if they tried – and yet they are still able to meet each other with mutual respect and appreciation for the other’s work and role (not friendship, of course, but still a heck of a lot more respect than the women typically show for each other). And, yes, one could further argue on this point that it’s just 18th century military decorum to treat a captured enemy officer with respect, but, as we see in the show, that isn’t guaranteed and certainly isn’t always followed. I do realize that there is historical precedent for Ben and Andre’s respect for each other, but Turn isn’t exactly known for keeping to the facts – ergo, the show made a deliberate choice to keep this respect between rivals historically accurate. Their respect for each other proves that it is possible for two people on opposing sides to respect each other and the other’s character – as could have been possible with Mary and Anna if the Abe debacle hadn’t happened.

This is more of a rant than an argument, I realize, and I know I’m beating the proverbial dead horse here. But I’m just tired of the trope that women always have to be fighting each other or stabbing each other in the back, rather than exploring the possibility that women can actually, just maybe, perhaps have genuine friendships and interactions with each other – free of jealousy, bitterness, cattiness, and all the other ugly emotional/social weapons women are always portrayed as wielding against each other.

Why can’t we have women spying together; uniting to help the war effort; helping each other deal with loss; heck, even just helping each other mentally and emotionally get through, you know, a war taking place on their doorsteps? Or just...talking to each other. Like women do. Without venom or spite. Without ulterior motives. I’m not wishing we had more female characters or friendships (though that would be nice), just that the ones we did have didn’t conform to typical media stereotypes/tropes.

Yes, war has historically been the dominion of men for millennia, but it’s women who have always held society together while the men are away; women who must support each other through stress, worry, loss, and grief when their husbands, sons, fathers, and brothers are away from home and dying. And in a show that is about female spies being just as important to the war as male spies, I wish women’s friendships and relationships with each other had been shown to be as important and reciprocal as the men’s were. For a show that is so focused on the home front, women’s lives should be pretty significant and important – and that means a holistic view of their lives.

I love Turn, don’t get me wrong, and I think it did excellent showing strong, smart, everyday women doing the best they could to fight for their beliefs within the restrictions of their time. I just wish we could have seen women interacting with each other in a healthy, normal dynamic while doing so. Mary and Anna would have been perfect for this, I think, but evidently the Setauket Soap Opera was more important. And that’s a shame. If women’s stories are going to be told, they deserve to be told fully.

tl;dr: The women deserved better.

#turn amc #turn: washington's spies #anna strong #mary woodhull #peggy shippen #abigail #this came out more bitter than I intended it to #I really don't hate the show #I just think its portrayal of women could have been handled better #and no disrespect to the female writers of turn either #I don't bame them for this at all #they're creating a place for themselves in a male-dominated arena just like the female characters on the show are

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vanityloves · 4 years ago

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can I just say I think the way you pay attention to the little details about your f/os is so lovely! noticing the little things about your f/os that they may not notice themself is an expression of love in itself I think and it’s very rad. sorry if this is out of nowhere I just think your ships are cool sgjdkgj

help girl im drowning ;; thank you sm and dont apologize this was super sweet n i appreciate it bc i always feel like im slackin in the actual Love Department of self shipping ^^;

im not very good w/ being mushy verbally or really expressing myself in a conventional, loving way ♡ im like, *looks at them lovingly and hope they can read my mind just this once*. fos if you catch me looking @ you like this mind your own business

Psychoanalysis is a love language no i will not explain it. but uhh, i like learning ab others quirks and ticks esp when theyre similar to mine like haha i do that 😳 plus it might not be important to them but its important to ME and idk why it just nice catching slip ups, slight changes in mood, body language, etc like hmm. i will observe you so i know how to be good to/for you ♡

#for some reason i thought this was hateSHSJJD dw its not your fault i just misread it #ask reply #anon #gifts #thank you this is rly sweet ;;#i just think theyre neat!#also i hope that doesn't sound creepy? i just find those things really interesting.#i think bc im in the background so much i tend to just watch and learn. and keep it to myself so like.#thats probably why gushing it hard for me sjdjd #the last part is meant to be like ... if they show they wanted space id jist give it to them so they dont need ti feel bad ab #idk coming off as pushy or rude when they rly just need alone time #like yeah i get that ahshd

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burdenofthebuster · 5 years ago

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𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻. repost, don’t reblog

BASICS.

full name. Cloud Strife pronunciation. Puff Pain nickname. Spike / Spikey, Storm Cloud gender. male height. 5′7″ age. 14 - 24 zodiac. Leo spoken languages. common, bits of Old Nibel

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair color. blonde eye color. blue / mako blue skin tone. pale body type. slender, compact, muscled accent. mostly none, bits of Nibelheim’s when he’s tired / emotional or for certain words voice. soft, fairly neutral tone mostly dominant hand. right, but good with his left thru practice posture. stiff and tense or (if he’s comfortable) slouched with a hip cocked scars. two big ones on his chest / back from being impaled. several thin lines on his chest from experimentation. one on his arm leftover from geostigma. some on his knees and hands from childhood. tattoos. none piercings. both ears birthmarks. none most noticeable feature(s). chocobo hair and glowing eyes

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth. Nibelheim hometown. Nibelheim birth weight. 6.8lbs birth height. 19in manner of birth. at home first words. woof / wolf ( he was aiming for wolf... didn’t quite make it ) siblings. none parents. Claudia Strife parental involvement. his mom was... there. she made sure he was able to keep himself alive, but acted more like a friendly landlord. no knowledge about his dad.

ADULT LIFE.

occupation. delivery boy, occasional monster hunter current residence. Edge close friends. Avalanche, mostly relationship status. varies financial status. working class driver’s license. yes criminal record. technically yes, it’s probably been expunged vices. adrenaline junkie, wanderlust, occasionally drinking

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation. bisexual romantic orientation. demiromantic preferred emotional role. submissive | dominant | switch preferred sexual role. submissive | dominant | switch libido. fairly low single / fairly high in a relationship turn on’s. strength, competence, kindness, adventurous turn off’s. pushy, controlling, too dominant love language. acts of service and quality time. he’s bad at expressing himself with words or actions, but he tries to do them if that’s what his partner prefers. tbh he forgets gifts are a thing. relationship tendencies. physical attraction happens so easy, but he doesn’t have any desire to act on that unless he starts to catch feels. which... takes a very long time. he’s slow to open up and you have to become a close, trusted friend before you can even attempt at something more. flirting will go right over his head until you make your interest blatantly obvious. he can’t often say the simplest things without a struggle, but he’ll randomly throw old bold and meaningful declarations like they’re nothing.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song. atm some kind of disaster by atl hobbies to pass time. working on fenrir, practicing with swords, running errands for everyone, working out, sassing rufus and the turks mental illnesses. cracks knuckles ptsd, depersonalization disorder (disassociation & derealization), depression, prone to panic attacks, occasional visual and auditory hallucinations, insomnia, memory issues, chronic nightmares physical illnesses. chronic migraines left or right-brained. right fears. small spaces, physically stuck, being useless / not finding a purpose, forgetting important things, loosing himself, loneliness, letting others down, not being enough self-confidence level. pretty good: hands-on skills (esp fighting) & looks. very low: everything else vulnerabilities. feels so, so, so much all the time. cares a lot about everyone even when it’s not in his best interests. doesn’t really trust his mind / memories. once he decides to trust someone it’s whole heartedly, and sometimes trusts too easily. p weak if caught without his sword.

tagged by: stolen from @hercbled tagging: @pulchralilium @willfulwayfarer @fatesfalling @badassbarmaid @sharp-shot @coscuvilheiro & you if you thought this seemed fun!!

#〤i think ive thought myself to death【headcanon】

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minecraftoworymode · 5 years ago

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picked a whole bouquet of whoopsie-daisies the other day reading some Very badfeel content so to cheer myself up here’s some super self-indulgent ramblings about romeo recovery post-s2

“YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY BEHIND” or how romeo learned to stop worrying and indulge in the ““feminine”“ shit in life

when romeo transitioned he scrubbed everything that could be potentially viewed as feminine from his appearance and behaviour. while he did everything he could about the former (hairstyle, clothing, body language, voice), it didn’t feel like enough bc he couldn’t change some things that ppl used to be jerks- his frame (short and lithe), his family, his being trans- so he made up for it by trying to “act” like a “real man”. this unfortunately meant he was super vulnerable to manipulative alt-right indoctrination tactics (”we will validate you as a man as long as you endorse our assholery and share our shitty beliefs about what it means to be a man”) and he was on the verge of getting sucked into gamergate ideology when [THIS LORE IS ANOTHER POST] and hey, now the world is minecraft. u dont gotta perform gender roles for villagers they dont care. xara will not only actually eat ur liver for pulling The Bullshit but when you are kind she smiles, so bright and warm, and it is very very nice so maybe you should keep on doing that. n fred? fred is chill with their Everything in a way uve only ever Dreamed of. romeo marinates in this sauce for a couple centuries and comes the closest to being comfortable in his own skin he’s ever been.

however,

after the Incident he slam-dunked himself back into the hypermasculinity juice bc it was a mindset “safe” from feeling pain, whether his or others’. n since the worlds the admins created dont have the same ideas of gender as the world they came from, once he’s been dethroned romeo has a particularly hard time adjusting wrt That on top of all the other 2750347502730 issues he has to face

anyway flash forward a couple months of being incredibly volatile bc he now has to confront all the terrible things he did and how Dare u make him do that and maybe if hes nasty enough he can provoke someone into killing him and saving him from having to unpack All Of That- (note from @simple-mooshroom-herder: Xara and Jesse at least grasp that Romeo will probably burn himself out on this bullshit eventually and the best thing to do is interact with him with a certain level of healthy detachment. Eventually he'll see that theres no "getting out of this" and he'll start to do the Work but until then its very frustrating to see that tactic take him nowhere.)

- one day petra notices how he’s constantly staring at all the ppl wearing cute dresses in beacontown and at first she thinks he's being creepy but then realizes that he's not being creepy and actually she knows exactly how he feels bc she also used to look at ppl wearing clothes super not suited for combat like that, like she wished she could wear them too, like if she just didnt have to keep up this image of the Warrior who is Not Soft Ever-

n ok. listen. these worlds have been specifically engineered to be better and kinder than the one the admins came from, and when people mess up- even REALLY mess up- people are generally not only willing to forgive you but support you as you try and get better. it’s instinctual for communities to respond to misdeeds with rehabilitation and reconciliation, rather than retaliation and renunciation (tho its not an overnight thing and it generally takes 1-3 people to spearhead the process, esp if the actions have affected a large group of people). like. ivor created something that almost destroyed the entire world, not just beacontown, yet by the end of season one he’s grown to be a part of the team- n its not just jesse & co being forgiving here, bc when ivor made his s1 build with 3 lava source blocks people objected to it, but by s2 he not only has lava in his build but a giant lake of it. (im assuming the fences around said lake are coming eventually, bc safety is still important, but the implications im choosing to take from this are a) despite almost ending the world people let him into their lives anyway and b) the community not only grew to accept but encourage his self-expression.)

BUT ANYWAY before i go off on that even more one day petra and romeo basically put on an impromptu fashion show in jesse’s house (bc their house is huge and, kind of perfect for a fashion show, and also right next to the order hall’s armory whence they stole a bunch of fancy swords to match the outfits) n theyre having a blast until the hero in residence , returns to their residence (and with COMPANY) n romeo is absolutely Mortified- caught red-handed showing feelings of an almost human nature, oh my god, this will NOT do- n this whole grand soliluquy of shame and excuses and apologies grabs the steering wheel of his tongue but he cant even spit a single syllable out bc jesse and lukas almost immediately dip leaving romeo panicking for a second before they come back with their inventories FULL of cute outfits, including a billion skirts and dresses, some of them are even enchanted so theyre like. super shiny or constantly flowing or things like that.

this actually ends up spiralling into a town-wide... not quite fashion show bc there's no runway or anything, everyone just shows up in their cutest/coolest outfits .. fashion convention?? Anyway several people come up to him and compliment him on his outfit casually before continuing along, not recognizing him not only bc of how hes done his hair and makeup n what hes wearing but he just seems... so happy (he might be wearing something on his head? like a headpiece or hat or something? but also maybe not hmm)- whoever this is, he's not hunched over like he's got several centuries' worth of sins crawling on his back he’s not trying to shrink and make small a human-shaped apology for the simple fact of his existence not dragging his feet like hes ready for, dreading, a hundred mile trek through the desert repenting hes just. hes literally just Vibing

anyway he's mostly been silent or just providing very quiet "thank you"s but when it turns out that some people showed up ready to play music and there's a song that he knows he literally cant help but start jamming out its the GOod Stim everyones a-dancing and a-jiving and some people start to sing and so of course he does too (the healing power of dancing and singing in cute outfits.... unfathomable) but. ppl recognize his voice

and after a few seconds he notices how quiet it's gotten all of a sudden n everyones looking at him like "oh shit thats the admin" and honestly his heart breaks. visibly

but

then someone starts singing, so quiet it takes a moment for him to hear over the sound of an encroaching panic attack (oh god he has airpods in), but when he looks over theyre smiling - theyre smiling at hiM???? AND IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK MEAN??- and doing this very simple step, that he catches onto just as easily as he matches their singing (its a fairly common little tune n dance)

theyre like standing like a good few meters away but as they take turns with lines in the song they slowly inch closer

and he thinks hes starting to recognize the dance that the steps theyre doing is from but at the part in the song thats coming up ur supposed to allemande left and even tho theyre like, less than a meter away now literally no one has really wanted to get close to him, let alone actually touch him, so hes totally expecting them to be like 'psych' and humiliate him in front of the entire crowd-

BUT THEN THEY ACTUALLY GO FOR IT???

he completes the step without even thinking about it n continues onto the next in this state of dull bewilderment where there is but one braincell active in his head and it is just going, in a very tiny voice, "danser?"

- when they linked arms the person briefly seemed surprised that he didn't like, chew their arm off or anything (he had. kind of snapped at people a few times during the past few weeks), but then their shock turned into a wide smile and they sort of- nodded? at someone over his shoulder like 'come and join us, it doesn't look like he's going to kill me after all you guys can put the eulogy writing on hold'

what rly makes his heart do the confused and hopeful conga is that this isnt even anyone romeo knows, its a total stranger. or- like- he saw them while he was pretending to be jesse he just didnt care to get to know them beyond ‘name and gimmick’- its not even someone who has any reason to think he'd be cool to befriend its literally jsut someone taking a chance on him (tkae a chance take a chance take a chance take a cha)

afterwards hes like "i should thank jesse for putting you up to that, it was fun" and theyre like "what? jesse didn't "put me up to" anything, dude, you just looked super choked. * something something surfer lingo who would i be if i just left someone to feel bad when they could be having fun dancing you know?*"

he H

#ng+#msg #i said this was super self-indulgent and i was not lying #i call ng+ my mcsm project and thats literal

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pallanophblargh · 6 years ago

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Hey there! 😀 I've wanted to ask about Aequis anatomy esp. of the head, since I'm not sure how far I can go with expressions. So my first question: EARS. How flexible are they, and thus, how important are they in communication? And second: I'm not sure if I just missed it, but do you have a drawing of an aequis skull somewhere? I'd love to see and maybe it would help me understand the teeth (and 'lips') a bit better. Keep up the great work, I love seeing all those things you come up with! ❤

Ah yes, Aequis heads, the hardest part, if we don’t count their feet.

Ears! Ears are very flexible, even if I never really draw them doing anything other than being neutral? Their primary reason for being mobile is for pinpointing sound, though they do convey some communication/emotional state. Tucking the ears closed and into the feathers (if not diving/cold/etc.) implies a defensive measure, indicating possibility of aggression, or preemptively defending themselves from perceived harm. Forward pointing ears denote alertness, or eagerness, focus, interest, etc. I’m still not very good at showing how the cartilage of the ear folds, but… maybe I need to sculpt it. (Ha oh gravy…)

I had an old post of an early Aequis skull here, but I figured I’d do up a fresh sketch with some other little sketchy details. I haven’t decided if I want Aequis to have an avian styled sclerotic ring yet, because I need to do more research.

The skull is fairly long, and I still need to do a front facing view, which I’m currently avoiding because symmetry has never been my friend and there’s still some references I want to dig up to spare myself some trouble! The teeth are triangular, sharply pointed, and I’m leaning towards them having a bit of an edge to them, possibly similar to shark’s teeth? They slice off chunks of meat and swallow them whole, and whatever the teeth can’t get to, the tongue will find. (it’s basically got sharp spicules coating the top that will de-flesh any stubborn crevices.) Back to the teeth again: I’m leaning to the top front teeth being a single fused tooth, forming a strong, piercing point. The bottom front teeth have a smooth gap between them, where the top fused tooth fits snugly.

The lips are fairly flexible: far more than a bird’s, anyway, but not as equipped for fine motor skills as ours are. They can lift away from the teeth, and the lower lip is most flexible near the point of the jaw. The flexibility of the lip assists with grooming (and possibly vocalizing/general expression) because the lip works alongside the comb-like spicules that line the inside of the “beaked” upper lip to groom feathers.

I feel like I’m forgetting something I was going to add… let me know if I did! This just reminds me that I need to do some Aequis expressions and body language basics somewhere down the line. :D

#Aequis #Aequis questions #Aequis anatomical musings #questions #April attempts answers #I need to own some replica skulls I think #and get a better avian reference book #ALL THE REFERENCES

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acosmic · 5 years ago

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thots on dolls, i'm curious abt how u got into them/what u like abt them

dolls are neat! sometimes you’re a fourteen-year-old kid with unrestricted internet access living in a town without art and a best friend who you hate as much as you hate yourself -- but this friend has good taste sometimes and oh no

they show you, or you find, this, and it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. (taste is an acquired thing, i don’t know what i was thinking). and then there’s her (it’s been eight years and i’d still sell my soul for her) and her and these and these and even this hideous fucker has amazing detailed construction and tiny intricate details if you look closely even though he’s ugly as all hell (his owner and i are no longer friends, he was not a factor but i’m so glad i get to trash him because jesus christ what IS that). and you look into it a bit further and holy shit you can customize them, they come in one colour and sometimes in pieces and when you’re doing their makeup you’re actually pretty much adding their skin since they don’t have blood vessels or freckles or anything. and you can make their clothes and wigs and shoes (it’s way cheaper that way) and there are wildly different sizes and styles and levels of poseability and they only really became a thing in the late 90s so the older ones look simplistic and awkward but they still look sweet. some of them have intense expressions, or stylized ones, but most of them only come with one face and photographing them is like making postmortem pictures look lifelike.

they have this weird sense of personality to them, even the serene-looking ones. when i bought ada (third link above), it was kind of terrifying? she was tiny and fragile and the seller didn’t put her head on and she came in a pink child-size shoebox with all these tiny tiny clothes and accessories with her face painted on (here she is) and she was literally seventeen centimetres tall. i hate kids, i’m not a fan at all, but it was like seeing a new baby. and then she was a brat! she doesn’t like holding poses, her limbs snap around, her head lolls around on its socket, and she goes cross-eyed if you bump her slightly. she can’t decide on a hairstyle or eye colour, she hated her original face and she hates how i redid it, and she’s too tiny and delicate to take anywhere. i love her so fucking much. i’ve had her since i turned sixteen, and i’m twenty-two now. the reason i like lola so much isn’t just that hesitant alien is a kickass album, it’s because there’s this weird little creature and it’s you and it’s also not you and it’s your best friend and a strong critic of your every move and it’s cute and it’s fuzzy and it’s not real like a person but it’s kind of more real than that?

other dolls are cool too. i’ve spent more time with this $40 impulse purchase than i have with all $200 USD of ada, and i love her a lot too, but in a different way. some people use dolls to “shell” their characters, but mine tend to just happen, and ada’s character is more important than emi’s, no matter how cooperative emi is. one of my other oldest dolls is a pair of legs (because she’s the type you can buy as separate parts) and i keep putting off assembling her entire body because she feels like art and she’s kind of my favourite weird sculpture now. even the ones that don’t work out are really neat to have around -- most doll hobbyists sell members of their collection that don’t work, some are like revolving doors, others keep everything, so there’s always a secondhand market going that you can add to or pull from, or just look at for inspiration.

the customization aspect is really fun, too. some of them you have to reinvent from the ground up (i finally got a blythe and that’s what i’ll be doing with her as soon as my WIP list is at a better point), others you have weirder tasks on, like dyeing or repainting a body to revitalize it/suit a character (doing that to a unoa kit like the one pictured above) or modifying it to improve poseability or visuals (i’ve been hacking at a barbie body so she can bend her legs to fit in her wheelchair). sculpting your own dolls is a super-involved process, but i’ll do that eventually too (reading books about it is really meditative, especially since they tend to be in other languages so you have to inspect the pictures super closely. it’s like targeted dreaming). making doll clothing was a really strong draw for me for a while -- i wasn’t happy with how i exist in a body and it’s never the way i want, so i used dolls as kind of clothing horses for styles or designs i wouldn’t or couldn’t wear myself. now that i feel better about that, the dolls just kind of get what they want (and i’ve been neglecting them to sew for myself lmao but they don’t mind).

my phases run in weird cycles, so i’m really out of the loop on new developments relating to anything other than mattel inc. (the fashion doll community on tumblr is great), but it seems like the hobby is getting a lot more creative and a lot less stale than it was the first couple of times i was really into it. it’s this fluid, ever-changing thing that makes jumping back in really interesting (and a lot of work), but there’s still this comforting base to it that stays the same (use respiratory protection and high-quality materials when doing faceups, don’t buy recasts, volks/fairyland/alchemic labo are popular and cute). and if you swap doll types, there’s months/years more of entertainment. (i have big gay autism, or, like, adhd-autism crux/combination, and research is so fun)

dolls are great! they’re like muses, photography subjects, OCs, clothes horses, mascots, art projects, and (sometimes) investments all at once. whatever kind of phase i’m in, there’s something i can do with them. and they’re good company, and great for decoration and indulging your goth sensibilities and freaking out your visitors if you feel like it

random bag of onions to finish off: creepy and cute are accidental and if you deliberately aim for them you’ll get boring off-base results, what kayla said about s*x dolls applies to other types of doll too (if you try to put too many conventionally attractive features together you’ll just end up with something uncanny and grotesque instead of something really beautiful), toyetic design is for babies, doll hobbyists esp. forum communities still have a lot of unconscious biases esp. racism and homophobia to unpack, recasting is art theft and is killing the community via its artists but barbie/blythe/integrity knockoffs are basically a moral responsibility, and art dolls with huge hips are the new minifee chloes

#this got long because i. dolls.#asks #vampixie

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pmfciamiamiam-blog · 6 years ago

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About pmfciamiamiam

Welcome to my Tumblr microblog —pmfciamiamiam.tumblr.com. I have created this digital space here on the Internet for myself, but you are more than welcome to visit and stay a while.

About the author (in other words, ‘a little bit more about me’): I’m in my early twenties —approaching both my mid-twenties and being middle-aged all too quickly— and have historically failed to achieve #youngadultgoals due to a number of factors, but notably because of my lack of certainty coupled with my abundance of fear, example: fear of making the wrong choice. I don’t have a car, place of my own, significant other, best friend, signature dish, plethora of dating or travel stories, nor host of skills or tricks or talents, university degree, notable piece of work, career, or portfolio.

This year (Sept. ’19 - Sept. ’20) I want to notably improve my life, myself, and my bank of personal wisdom by making (and going through with) more decisions such that I may achieve more than I have in years previous.

how to make decisions

removing fear and impulse from the equation, made simple:

i. decide on your priorities and your options

ii. reflect on whether each option brings you closer or further from your priorities

iii. a) if an option will bring you closer to your priorities, take/do it

iii. b) if an option will bring you further from your priorities, reject/don’t do it

my decisions (for Sept. ’19)

* continue working at my current place of work

~ priorities met: accomplish the challenge of staying at one place of employment for well over a year (‘résumé bragging-rights’), continue working with people I really like and doing work I feel matches my ethics, further challenge myself in terms of feeling confident and comfortable, further challenge myself in terms of creating opportunities for professional development, make money (necessary to challenge fear of spending money)

* move in to my co-worker/work friend��s apartment

~ priorities met: living on my own/exiting my current living situation, challenge myself to improve, esp. in terms of codependency and general lack of responsiveness, create opportunities to improve my health, as well as create more opportunities to strengthen my individuality, strengthen my social skills and social support system, challenge fear of spending money

* attend courses at my local university

~ priorities met: education, improve my GPA and my gain knowledge/understanding, work on learning, studying, reading, writing, test-writing, and ‘figuring out’ skills, work on time-management skills, challenge myself emotionally to fulfill a goal that is hard and has been incredibly, even overly, difficult in the past, access student benefits, study opportunities, such as travel, challenge fear of spending money

* go to the dentist/get braces

~ priorities met: give myself a healthy bite, take a step in terms of self-care and improving my relationship with my body and appearance, challenge fear of spending money

personal goals to work on throughout the year

#focus: improve self-discipline, motivation/sense of urgency, and ability to maintain focus and get things done

#memory: improve memory (esp. in hopes of, in turn, improving my creativity and ability to make connections)

#français: learn multiple languages, but most especially French

#read: increase my reading (daily and total-novels-read count)

#study: learn significantly more about numerous subjects such as art history, philosophy, computer science, anthropology, and biology

#reflecting #writing: encourage myself to start creative writing again, develop both my writing and storytelling skills

#handmade: practice making things, esp. meaningful and/or useful things with my hands

#collage: incorporate my love of collage into my life

#fitness: improve my overall physical wellness and fitness: stamina/endurance and strength (esp. with the motivation of increasing my chances of maintaining physical independence into old age)

#flexibility: increase physical flexibility

#selfcare: improve self-care rituals, esp. in regards to areas previously neglected (long-term) due to particular, personal anxieties: money-spending, physical appearance, clothes and attire

#embraceme: put a real importance on self-confidence and worth (and therefore protection of self and self-interests), and on certainty in my abilities and defining characteristics as an individual, and on being uninhibited other than by my own personal preferences and morals

#planetfriendly: further empower myself through researched/informed purchasing and lifestyle decisions that contribute to, or improve, my overall health, and match an ideology that values environmental, social, and economical sustainability

#socialanimal: reach out more and strengthen my connections with other human people, improve my general social life to the point of having a definite and worthwhile social life (boo lethargy!)

#loveandidentity: explore my gender-expression and sexuality

#joy: smile, have fun, laugh, and be fun[ny]; foster a willingness to be spontaneous, adventurous, and try new things; make sure to embellish life by listening to music, and doing things for the purpose(s) of pleasure, comfort, joy, and entertainment (boo lethargy!)

#curious #solution: foster curiosity and proactivity in life (be aware and alert, ready to recognize areas —small and large— in which need mending, and implement attempts at solutions continuously until mended) (boo lethargy!)

#bekind: continue to prioritize kindness; be kind, be kind, be kind

dream

to be a better, healthier, stronger, fitter, bendier, prouder, smarter, clearer, less distressed, more talented and useful, multilingual, well-dressed (more “feminine”), well-loved, plant-growing me ... of whom has been more places than I have now (incl. Québec and more of France), practices more sustainable habits than I do now, and who has a shelf full of books, a family of my own, and a personal niche, examples: art conservation, photo journalism, non-fiction lit. professor, dermatologist, PTSD researcher, computional linguistic

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feministdisney · 7 years ago

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Consent in Animated Shows & Movies

Since the issue of consent has been at the top of conversations lately, I thought it might be interesting to link this back to kids’ media. I think in some scenes (like the Gaston one below) it’s really easy to see how responses like “but she never said no, so it’s on her if something happens!!” are just not cutting it. This is not meant to be an exhaustive review, since there are hundreds of movies and shows to consider, so feel free to chime in.

(note: since this is discussing movies, there may obviously be spoilers.)

May We? Asking is a Great Start:

Frozen’s kiss scene at the end was a good example of consent. He makes a verbal request to make sure it would be desired on her end, and I’d guess he would have stopped if she hadn’t said “no” but also looked disgusted by the request. Because: consent is a multi-step, dimensional, ongoing process, not a piece of paper swapped across desks in class that says “will you consent? please circle yes or no.” and then you never think about it again.

As far as other Disney movies go, I was fairly pleased that most of the kissing scenes I reviewed (with the obvious exceptions below) seemed to show the idea of enthusiastic consent. It would be great to see both verbal and non-verbal consent shown together more frequently so that people stop seeing it as some dramatic, silly thing that only takes place on comedy skits about over-the-top feminism, but rather, a great tool to have, especially if you don’t know a person that well and may misread one or the other.

(if I missed any obvious bad moments in movies, though, let me know, since there’s a lot of them!)

Saying No Without Saying “No”:

youtube

The Gaston Proposal scene in Beauty in the Beast (Youtube link) is a great example of what consent DOESN’T look like, the sort of behaviors women do to “softly” say they’re not interested, and what qualifies as a coercive tactic. It’s worth stating that Beauty never says “no” to Gaston - she doesn’t even really say a variation of it. In fact, she says things that could be interpreted positively, on the surface; “Gaston; what a pleasant surprise.”

Would any person really watch this scene and believe she’s “leading him on” or that she’s “into it” though? That her not immediately running upstairs should be taken as a sign that she wants to be in the room with him? Every time he proposes something, she attempts to de-escalate the situation with her joking comments and by taking a few steps away from him. Gaston, meanwhile, continues to follow her around the room (even though she’s obviously moving away from him) and when he doesn’t get the response he wants, instead of leaving, he continues to escalate his body language and get closer to her until he’s got her pinned against the door.

Trust Can Be Used to Manipulate; This is Not Enthusiastic Consent:

Several people referred me to Steven Universe Season 2 Ep 11 and I could see why - it really does hit on the concept of consent and manipulating people into giving a “yes.” Pearl tricks Garnet into being Sardonyx with her (they combine powers... I haven’t watched much of this show so sorry if I get the terminology wrong haha). I think the show does a good job of conveying how Garnet feels and had lines like “I just wanted to share a few more victories with you.” (to justify the trickery)

“Those weren’t victories!”

“We’re so much weaker than you...fusing with you is our one chance to feel stronger!” (justification given by Amethyst for trickery)

The point is clear that even if your goal is something that would normally feel good for both parties, manipulating people in order to get it does not result in a nice, “shared” moment. Whether you intentionally get someone drunk to lower their guard and make them more likely to say “yes” when they’re originally saying “no,” and/or ignore multiple verbal/non-verbal cues that they’re not ready or interested in moving forward because you think more pushing will eventually result in a yes, you are responsible for creating a situation where consent has not been enthusiastically given.

And since Pearl and Garnet have an ongoing friendship, the point is also clear: in this type of situation, you are using someone’s trust in you as a tool to manipulate them.

The Best Plots Don’t Ignore Consent:

People often get very upset over the idea that the scene presented in Sleeping Beauty is completely non-consensual. They forget this is a fictional storyline, in which “he HAS to kiss her to save her” is not an excuse, if that requirement itself has been made up.

From a prior consent-related note I have posted, about Sleeping Beauty:

Sleeping Beauty only works as a positive romance because we know how it’s supposed to end. Handsome nice prince rescues the lovely sleeping princess. He kisses her to wake her even though this is an action she can’t consent to.

This doesn’t mean the prince is a bad person- it means consent wasn’t considered important enough when they made this movie, that it would alter that scene more from the original.

Consent wasn’t considered a “big deal” because we KNOW she likes him from that one scene where she did, and we presume she wouldn’t disagree with him (which is often used to excuse actual crimes, rather than happy-ending story plots)… because kissing is romantic and that trumps making sure a movie’s plot is fully consensual.

Worth noting, the actual story of Sleeping Beauty (though it exists in several forms and variants, as many fairytales do) is really disturbing:

The version of Sleeping Beauty with its chaste, true-love kiss that most of us remember from Disney or the Brothers Grimm derives from a 17th-century Italian tale called Sun, Moon, and Talia by Giambattista Basile, based on folk legends dating from the 14th century. In these early versions, the sleeping princess is raped and impregnated by a passing king – but it all ends well because after she wakes and recovers from the initial shock of finding she has twins, he returns and marries her.

Via The Guardian. You might find this article enlightening

Snow White experiences a similar tale.

The Loss of Consent - Betrayal:

Maleficent goes back into examining consent with the loss of Maleficent’s wings. Stefan drugs her and rips her wings off her body. While this scene is brutal, it is successful in conveying, through metaphor, what sexual assault can be like as an experience. Her pain isn’t just the literal pain of having this done; it’s the betrayal of a friend that causes much of the long-lasting sorrow that follows her through the rest of the film.

To quote my review linked above:

Later in the movie, Maleficent brings Phillip to Aurora for the sake of kissing her, because none of them watched Frozen and realized it could be Maleficent. His lines are pretty much everything anyone’s pointed out about that film from a critical feminist perspective.

“It wouldn’t feel right,” he says as the fairies urge him, chanting KISS HER! in unison.

“But I’ve only met her once,” he hesitates again. And finally, another pause, “What was that about the curse?” (dialogue should be pretty close but might have errors since I accidentally wrote it on top of other notes I took)

Finally, he does kiss her, but I think his hesitation was important for what it established about the questionable nature of the scene. His hesitation, and the way the scene is set up, makes the kiss and the premise behind it seem questionable to us – a call-to-awareness that is missing from the first film.

And it’s also important to note that, in this retelling, his kiss isn’t rewarded with her waking up. (Note: though Maleficent also kisses her, it’s on the forehead, which I think has a somewhat different connotation esp. when the prince had previously expressed a desire to get to know her better, and Maleficent’s kiss is performed without expectation).

But anyway, please let me know your thoughts! This is not meant to be the end-all, just a jumping point.

#disney #consent #feminism

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