#but... guess they're not and some people really have to be told 'please don't suicide bait someone because they ship a 17 yo and a 19 yo'

[beevean]

Hey it’s so called this morning’s anon back with more things to say I suppose…

I supposed I wanted to elaborate on some things, I know you said you didn’t wanna start discourse but I really wanted to elaborate on what I meant by that proshipping comment. The term proship, from what I heard, has gone from let people ship what they want and if you don’t like don’t look to… This person is a disgustingly vile subhuman and their death should be celebrated.

Funnily enough I openly ship problematic stuff, but I constantly over complicate things to prove that I’m still better than ‘those guys’, to say that I have morality and ‘they’ don’t… But it’s so fucking exhausted. My life wasn’t good and moral and pure so why does my art have to be?

I’m sick of fearing I’ll have someone genuinely threaten my life because I cope differently than them. Ironically I used to get mad when people say it was their coping mechanism, calling it a shitty excuse to be a whatever [You can insert all kinds of fun and degrading terms there] and yet… I was doing the same thing.

So yeah… I don’t like everything but I’m realizing that everything has its place and if that makes me a proshipper then fuck it I guess I’m a proshipper

[After reading all those kind messages I wanted some way to reveal myself because surprise you actually know who I am! But I wasn’t sure how to do that without outing myself so openly… I read your Hevor fic and told you about it on Discord, it’s the only thing we ever discussed. So yeah if you manage to figure me out based on that alone then congratulations! Purity culture is ruining my life so bad I can’t even say my own name! ;3]

fdjskfksdngksjdhk talk about efficient secret codes lmao. Yes I understand now 😄

That's pretty much what happened. "Proship" started as a countermovement to the "anti" culture budding around 2016 who were all like "Sheith is actually incest because they're like brothers and that's gross guys!!!!", and at first it meant simply "ship and let ship", but then it got twisted into meaning "someone who enjoys problematic ships/ships with incest, pedophilia and/or abuse", which inevitably leads to "this person has Something Wrong with them and they're a Bad Person who Hurts people like me with their Degenerate Art! Pedo alert pedo alert! PUNISHMENT FOR A THOUSAND YEARS".

The problem is that "enjoys" means a lot of things :^) there is a difference between "aww they're so cute <3", "welp this is a kink now", and "wow this would be incredibly fucked up but I am intrigued to explore this story". But nuance is not allowed, apparently.

(fun fact: I don't really go through proship blogs because I swear they all ship sibling incest. I hate sibling ships lmao, especially when they're wholesome. But of course they're all in the "will accept anything" community, after being pretty much shunned and painted as horrible abusers who deserve to be hurt and worse - and just because I don't want to see those ships, that doesn't mean I think they're bad people who condone real-life abuse. So yeah, proship is not about having all the grossest ships in the world, you can be exclusively into the most vanilla M/F ships ever and still think "yo do what you want I'll respect you from a distance")

I also hear similar stories like yours, of people who twist themselves into pretending to be antis and be morally "purer" than others when in private they were doing the same things they were insulting others for, just with tons of shame and denial. Not judging you and I'm happy when people realize that this behavior is harmful, definitely more than being into the Problematic lol... I'm just disappointed and frustrated that the internet culture has come to this. I reiterate my points about surrounding yourself with friends who don't make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.

Also real talk: you don't really have to psychoanalyze yourself. Maybe your tastes are tied to an easily identifiable reason, or maybe they aren't or the reason goes too deep to explore without outside help. In any case, it doesn't matter. You don't have to justify yourself in any way, let alone showing to everyone the "I'm Coping With Trauma" badge in the hopes they will forgive you - because it doesn't work. It's never about the mental health of victims, it's about "i feel icky and i don't want to :("

Disgust is not harm. You (general) have every right to be disgusted by something - I myself am not above it :P But it's not a personal attack against you, and it's your responsibility to walk away and coping with your feelings in private.

[go-to-the-mirror]

Un-Follow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be The Only Thing I Talk About For The Next Day. I've Been Wanting This For Months Fuck. What The Fuck. /ref

@a-mag-a-day

So, uhm, MAG 136 everybody! As you can probably tell I've been looking forward to this episode, not as much as some others, (cough cough) cul-de-sac (cough cough), but a fair amount of excitement going into this. So, without further ado, let's get on with it! Mostly rambling, but I have great words a lot of the time.

For content warnings, mostly what's in the episode and some pretty frank discussions of suicide and depression. If I need to add or tag anything please let me know.

If I get another gambling ad, I'm going to break something :). Sorry, I keep getting this gambling advert and it's just. Nope, no, 0/10. I had hope it would only be on RQG.

ARCHIVIST (Compelling) If you don’t mind me asking, where are you off to? MELANIE Therapy. Wait … ARCHIVIST Oh, God, Melanie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to … MELANIE It’s fine. I would probably have told you eventually anyway. ARCHIVIST Even so, I shouldn’t— MELANIE Just forget it

I'm glad that although Melanie's obviously -- and to be honest, rightfully, yeah Jon didn't mean to make her tell him that she's going to therapy, he still did and that would make me pretty angry -- upset, she's handling it in a good way, they're not getting in a fight, they're being... amicable. Not friends -- a long way from friends.

DAISY You’re not babysitting me, alright? I know that’s what the others think sometimes, but that’s not it. I just don’t like being on my own if I can help it. You know, flashbacks, panic attacks, the usual. Just trying to avoid it if I can. ARCHIVIST I know, Daisy. I do. It’s hard. DAISY Yeah, well. Don’t let me get in your way. ARCHIVIST Of course.

jon's just grappling with the concept of friendship in the corner like, sure, he was a last resort, but he's spending time with another human and they're not obviously wishing he was dead! yay for that i guess!

also uhm i like how yk, maybe i was just watching bad shows before -- probably -- but it isn't... glossed over. they go through things and they deal with said things, mostly in bad and self destructive ways, like yes the characters suffering and then they have to deal with the suffering and it's all portrayed in a -- in my opinion -- pretty true to life way. People get angry when they're traumatized and under stress, people get suicidal, people do stupid things, people don't trust people -- trust the wrong people -- the works.

*holds gently* p o d c a s t

I loved Neil. I might even have been in love with him; it’s hard to say. When there are so many emotions caught up in a single person, when they’re such a significant force in your life, it gets difficult to say what’s really there at the heart of it.

I'm aro, I thought i was in love with people, I probably wasn't. Love is complicated, discerning what type it is.

Even pyrotechnics, while impressive and visually spectacular, just didn’t give me the same sharp joy as making something that could move, that came alive, directed and controlled by my hand.

Ah, right, so here's the sentence that's like "and this is what fear it is." There's a lot of those, scattered around. What comes to mind are the following lines.

Well, that’s what’s really terrifying, isn’t it? Your mind is all you are. There’s no back-up, no reset if it goes. I’m not just talking about madness as it appears, but what it is from inside. The way people talk about it, it’s like you have to think you’re sane, that our mind is everything we perceive, everything we are. Well, that means you can never know when your grasp might be slipping. I’m not convinced that’s it though. Or maybe deep down, somewhere inside, you understand what’s happening to you and I, um… I don’t know which scares me more.

(MAG 65 - Binary)

This shows that it's The Spiral.

One thing that… eats at me, as it were, and does give me that sick tightness of fear deep in my gut. It is rot. I don’t know why it gets to me so; perhaps it’s precisely because I don’t think there is anything beyond the body, and even dead and unaware, seeing a person’s form begin to putrefy and fester – becoming just a home for the crawling, feasting things – is too much for me. Perhaps it’s just an unaccountable phobia. Regardless of the reason, the fact is that to see the corpses decaying, to see their flesh corrupted, it is… the one part of this job that I find uncomfortable. So much so that I would describe reconstruction and preservation as my favourite part of the process. Making sure the cadaver looks as peaceful and lifelike as possible. Make them the person they were, or as close as they can be while cold and senseless. Fighting off the rot. The insects. The disease.

(MAG 36 - Taken Ill)

And this shows it's The Corruption.

I like it, a little introduction, so you know what you're getting into.

“Besides,” he always told me, “I’m a puppeteer at heart.”

✨ Spooky! ✨

A frugal life, lucrative career and prickly personality had left him with lots of money, but no real support; while my life had left me in a position where I cared deeply about his wellbeing and was in desperate need of money. Everything just lined up so neatly.

this was planned wasn't it, "everything just lined up so neatly," yeah no way it's a coincidence.

I must have asked him about it, but at the time it just seemed like such a natural progression.

This reminds me of some of the stuff in MAG 59 - Recluse.

I’m sure they’d have said the same things about me and at the time nothing seemed amiss. I did what I did because it was what I was supposed to do, and it never struck me to question it. I’m not sure I really recognise who I became while living at that house.

With The Web's control and things seeming fine but then you look back and it's like "yep, definitely not."

He was hanging there, wrapped in his strings like a cocoon, twisting gently around and around and around.

THAT'S AN IMAGE. oh!! OH!! oh boy!!!

She told me to take the films, his original cuts.

The way "original cuts" is said sounds a lot like some of the other tones a few statement givers take -- even Jon sometimes, immediately I can think of in the season 5 trailer. I recognise that tone.

She told me to come here. She told me to give them to you. I resisted for some time, but I’m done now. She’s won. And I would very much like to go home.

I love the way this statement ends, a lot of statements have very cool endings, this one's snazzy, the statement giver sounds so defeated.

ARCHIVIST They were … Well, let’s just say it’s not a complete shock there was something unnatural to them. Didn’t know we had copies in the Institute, though, let alone original cuts. Records indicate they ended up in Artefact Storage. DAISY Probably best they stay there. ARCHIVIST Yeah… Yes, of course.

No! Not best they stay there! Daisy and Jon movie night watching spooky films together! I think that would be fun.

DAISY She’s Web. Spider’s sneaky like that. Like that lighter you’re always using – where’d you get that? ARCHIVIST Hm, good point. We should keep our eyes open. Anyway, how’s Basira doing?

Spooky bloody lighter, god damnit, god damn that spooky lighter.

AAAA. No guys, the lighter isn't messing with his memory, he just has adhd.

DAISY Yeah, well, what do you think? You think I’m weak just cos I’m not already chasing the next kill? You think I’m less me? ARCHIVIST I … I don’t feel like I’m exactly in the best place to judge the intersection between free will and humanity. Still trying to figure that out myself.

✨ t h e m e s ✨ [themes]

I, unsurprisingly, like this. I think, that I like. The exploration of it. I think it's snazzy. It's hard to articulate my thoughts, but I am holding this gently, I am holding the many many themes of this very cool podcast gently. I am directing you to tumblr user annabelle--cane because it's got great brain thoughts.

DAISY Jon … When you went in the coffin, was it you choosing to do that? Did you actually think you could save me or was something telling you to do it? ARCHIVIST It was me. I was drawn to it, I’ll admit, but it was my decision. It wasn’t entirely about you, though. DAISY What was it? ARCHIVIST My— My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice. I made a choice to become … something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I don’t know if I made the right decision. I’m stronger now, tougher, I can … If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe stop that happening and the only danger is to me … I’ll do it in a heartbeat. Worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster. DAISY That’s messed up. ARCHIVIST (Laughs) Yeah. I suppose it is.

I've also heard it described as "if there was a truck coming towards me, I wouldn't move out the way." Maybe not actively seeking it, but definitely not... not seeking it.

Yeah, thinking you're an inherently worse person than everyone around you, is a pretty good way to get you know, suicidal.

Almost everyone you care about thinking -- and saying -- that your very existence is a wrong, that they'd rather you have died, that's going to mess you up. And I'm... I mean like, poor Jon or whatever, I love him, he's my blorbo, but like him living his worst life is compelling and written well.

I should say more, but idk, I think I've summed up Some Thoughts.

ARCHIVIST I guess I thought imprisonment wouldn’t … wouldn’t be as bad as it was. And it’s a lot easier to make that choice than it is to actually endure the result. You might have noticed, when I was in there with you, I had regrets.

fuck dude it sure is, i mean at least he's pretty bad at self-sacrifice, like he lived, didn't get stuck in a coffin forever, no bad outcomes apart from... like... the trauma. he didn't even have to have one awkward conversation. until now, but i feel like him and daisy are more on the "joking about melodramatic notes app notes written while having a breakdown" than "one person who wants to get out of the situation and another who is Concerned."

DAISY You need to stop moping. ARCHIVIST I what?

THIS IS A MOMENT WHERE THE UNNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS ABSOLUTELY WIN. "picture of Edwardian offence" ahsdfsewadfssewa

I mean like yeah it's a little insensitive or whatever, but to be fair, sometimes it's just better to get out of your head, distract yourself, don't listen to sad music while you're down because otherwise you're just going to get more sad. Shout out to crying over a TMA meta while listening to Mitski and reading all my saved TMA metas. Not the exact situation, but let it be known i don't cry over fiction that much. This podcast has made me cry like... how many times at this point?

I'd share other, more specific details, but I'm not sure how much is oversharing, especially with these topics.

DAISY “Boo hoo, I’m so alone and a monster!” ARCHIVIST I am alone. Martin is—

*points* GAY

well, bi. yk.

DAISY Get over yourself. You’re always talking about choices. We all made ours. Now I’m making a choice to get some drinks in. Coming? ARCHIVIST I don’t … Yeah, ok.

ANOTHER PART WHERE THE UNNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS STAY WINNING! "pause while he grapples with the concept of friendship." Like I'm using official because i noticed an error in MAG 119, but the unofficials are funny.

DAISY Melanie’s out, but I’ll go get Basira. ARCHIVIST Is she … Would she want to join us? DAISY If she doesn’t, I’ll rip her throat out. ARCHIVIST Uhhh… DAISY It’s a joke, John. ARCHIVIST (Dubious) Oh, aha. Yes. I’ll get my coat.

HIS STUPID LITTLE LAUGH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

he's just like me fr oh my goddd he's a dumbass he's i want to squish him like one of those toys whose eyes pop out i want to shake him out like a cat aaaaaa

Anyway, Jon fan[redacted]ing over, uhhh more thoughts on the whole bloody... thing he's got going on.

First of all, I mean... passive suicidality sucks. And I think that's what's going on, like he jumped into that coffin, with the knowledge that he might not live, but maybe he will, and does it matter either way. He lives, gets Daisy out, he's useful, he's good. He dies or gets stuck there... well, it's just another monster gone. And of course that's not what he thinks when he's down there, but... I can't back this up with studies, but anecdotally... yeah uh, I mean, sometimes you go "oh shit, maybe doing this nonspecific thing was a bad idea, actually, and you don't want to die."

That... sudden realization of what he's done, what he's condemned himself to, the continuing... you know, he's not exactly okay in season 5, or even later on in season 4 -- what with the dark sun -- and that rings true with me. I can actually back this up with a study, according to this website, (it's reliable, it's Harvard, just search up "attempters' longterm survival" on google, it should be the first result.) 90% of people who attempt suicide don't go on to die by suicide, however 40% of those who have died from suicide (in the US) have previously attempted suicide, and 5 to 11 percent of people hospitalized for a suicide attempt go on to die via suicide, but those who haven't are only 1 in 10,000. Besides, not he's gotten help, he's just realized he made a mistake in one situation, he's talked about it to a friend, sure, but he's still mostly alone, he still mostly thinks he's a monster.

Like... that's not a great situation to be in. Someone give him some actual friends (or a boyfriend) and take all the Panado (acetaminophen) out of his reach.

[finniestoncrane]

I'm here for a blind date I'm genderfluid (afab if you're wondering. I apparently give off Boy Vibes™)

I love dinosaurs (some of my favorites include Archaeopteryx, Australovenator, and Baryonyx, Minmi, Oviraptor, and Yi qi) comic books (mostly Suicide Squad but you already know that by now), and I'm trying to get into cars because I want to be an automechanic, since my grades weren't good enough for paleontology and I suck at art. College wasn't right for me and being an automechanic is probably like... A trade school thing, right? I also like Transformers. I got a mullet at one point, but it grew out a bit lol. I'm kinda clumsy, which is pretty evident since my glasses keep breaking lol. Not like I can afford new ones so I guess I'm using duck tape and super glue to keep the frames in... 2 pieces I guess. I guess it's just duck tape keeping the ear things on. I really got into old monster movies in Middle School because of a book called the encyclopedia of monsters. From like... The really old ones like The Blob That Ate Everything to the ones from to the slightly more recent ones but they're still decades old, like the Alien Franchise. Not too big of a fan of regular (?) horror movies. Technically I haven't seen most of the alien movies, but I really liked Alien VS Predator so I think that counts enough. I know I've already told you this but I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole of wilderness survival and eventually wound up finding a channel about boomerangs and the occasional Australian wildlife video (there's one titled Kangaroo Maggots. He finds a kangaroo corpse at the side of the road and maggots are inside of it. Really fucking gross. 0/10. Do not recommend if you hate maggots. Don't know why I watched that specific video honestly, but all the rest are good). Which lead me to another channel about Australian animals. I'm American and idk how tf I got from how to cook a cactus to watching a video on dingoes. I play a lot of simulator games. Like... If you look at my steam library it's like... 99% simulator games, the Batman: Arkham Series, and then a hunting game for some reason. And even then I think that's a hunting simulator come to think about it. Don't know why I like Simulator Games, I just do. Wait... Does the Arkham series count as simulator games? Like... Are they technically Batman simulators. I love reptiles and rats, but I fucking hate spiders. Need an Australian Man™ to help me if a spider is near lol. You know wow I'm talking about here I tend to get overexcited when myself or others are talking about stuff I'm interested in. I go on long tangents about stuff I like. I'm kind of a nerd when it comes to my semi-niche interests. I do enjoy listening to people go on their own tangents about things they like too though.

It's also quite apparent I have a thing for weird and/or disgusting fictional men ( my taste in women is better I swear. (Will fall for any tall woman who even looks in my direction. Which isn't saying much cuz I'm 4'10¾") )

💜 blind date 💜 the kitchen is now closed! 🔞minors dni🔞 • masterlist • kofi link • tag: finnie1500 (to follow or to block) a/n: hi please come in and distract this idiot, quickly, quicker, HURRY 💚

"Hi, uh-huh, welcome to the Vill-Inn. Can I just... sit you down as quickly as possible? If your date asks any of us if we want to see his big, curvy weapon one more time, we are going to escort him from the premises. Good luck!"

The moment you sit down at your table, after being rushed over by the waitstaff, you're met with a wide and mischievous grin, a signature smile from a man you recognise.

"I go by many names. Captain Boomerang, George, Digger. But you can call me daddy, if you like."

You screw your face up a bit, trying to pretend like that line didn't get you, and he's quick to try and win you over.

"I'm joking, love! Lighten up, it's a blind date, it's supposed to be fun!"

At least he's quick to... not apologise for his jokes, but to try and recover from them. And he's also surprisingly interested in you, and in getting to know you. Although, you fear it's just so he can make more risque jokes.

"Ah, mechanics. So... you're good with your hands then? You wear one of them little overall things? With anything underneath?"

The loud laugh he lets out at the end of his remarks are so endearing though, they make his lewd comments almost charming. Which you're unsurprised by, given your specific taste in men. He's perfectly strange and definitely a little bit gross, just how you like them.

He comments on your glasses, mentioning that you seem like someone who is a creative problem solver. A comment that feels like a proper compliment, not just a segue into another flirtatious remark. And it feels like he's dialing down on that the more he gets to know you. he talks to you about horror films for twenty minutes without saying anything lewd or crude. It's almost like it's a defense mechanism he uses to keep a distance, to maintain his facade.

In fact, he barely says anything at all when you're telling him about your preference for classic horror, and what video games you're interested in. Almost like he's enjoying learning about you. Almost like he can forego his usual ridiculously brazen behaviour around you. And you're more than happy to return the favour when he gets excited about boomerangs. Your fault for mentioning them.

"Yeah, you can learn a lot from a video online about surviving in the outback, but if you're ever looking for private tutoring, I'm your man."

He winks with this statement, but you can tell there's sincerity behind the offer. The fact that you're willing to listen politely, and that you seem interested in him when he's talking about subjects that are so personal to him, makes him feel very at home around you. And you're warming up to him, to the point where you can make some jokes too. I mean, no harm in joking about inviting him round to your place to get rid of some scary spiders, since he's Australian Outback Extroardinaire.

"Listen, for you, I can let myself be more of a hero than anti-hero for a change. Show me the little buggers and I'll have your house spider free in no time."

He winks again, and you're so fond of it that you can't help but imagine a life of being winked at across tables. A strange, happily ever after.

[dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night]

Whumpril 30 Holding Hands | “Don’t let go.”

TW: implied abuse, referenced cannabilism, Christianity, Islam, referenced death, suicidal thoughts and feelings

Note: this isn't quite Canon because it contradicts details and I wrote it over a month ago. But I still like it.

Jay sat down on Ezra's bed. "I'm glad I get to see you at least one more time before I die."

Ezra grabbed Jay's hand. "You're not going to die. Please don't talk like that. You can't give up."

"It's okay," Jay said. "It's better than being alive most days. I wonder what happens after death. Mentally I mean. Or spiritually. I know what will happen physically, Colt told me."

"I don't know. My parents told me about Heaven, but I'm not a Christian anymore. I guess if you are then you have a chance. My grandparents were Muslims, and I don't think either of us has done what's required to make it to their Heaven. They're very strict."

"Whatever it is, I hope you're there with me. Just the two of us. Maybe other people if they're nice."

"Yeah. I hope so too." Ezra sighed. "Hang on, what did Colt say he would do with your corpse? You didn't elaborate on that."

"Oh, he said he and Christopher were going to cook up and eat me. It's a good way to get rid of a body, apparently. Are you going to join them in that?"

"I- What the fuck?"

"Oh I'm sorry." Jay tightened their grip on Ezra's hand. "Please don't let go. I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't. But are they really cannibals?"

"That's what Colt said they did with everyone before us."

Ezra's first thought was to presume Colt to be a liar. But it made some amounts of sense. Camnabilism was a convenient way to get rid of a body, not to mention playing into Colt's sense of sadism. And Ezra knew Christopher to abhor wastefullness.

"Do you want me to?" Ezra asked. "Eat you, I mean."

Jay smiled. "I'd like that. I love being useful."

"Then I will if they let me. I don't know what else to say, really."

Jay rested their head on Ezra's shoulder.

Taglist: @devourerofcheesecake @elim-flower @thedarkmongoose @whumpsday @whump-by-robin @kira-the-whump-enthusiast @annablogsposts @whumpshaped @seetheothersideofparadise @knittedeyebrowsandcardigans @whatwasmyprevioususername @boonasaurusrex @suspicious-whumping-egg @heavenly-whumper @melancholy-in-the-morning @snakebites-and-ink @suck-my-clit-loser @i-eat-worlds @scp-1296 @chibichibivale

[fuck-your-proana-blog]

Hello, same anon here as the previous anon, god, thank you so much, I am so screenshotting your reply. I already try my best not to end up on ana tags, it's a last resort, but every other day my mental health gets so bad I just need something, anything to distract myself and I don't have close friends I could vent to, and that's the only other thing I can think of. Plus at least sweetspos are nice and understanding, and I don't usually,,,get that from anyone, so yeah. I am already supposed to get some sort of social anxiety treatment, but they're extremely inefficient and slow with it. And they just shrugged when I told them I wanna kms. I thought I'll just throw whatever destructive coping mechanism at that, and when I no longer wanna die, I'll fix them, but now my hair is starting to fall out (I think. Unsure though.) and I am not better at all. And two people I used to be close friends with had restrictive EDs, and I guess this is my way of feeling close to them. And I'm turning 18 later this year, and that feels scary as fuck, and I thought if I lose stupid amounts of weight I can at least look childish. Okay, sorry, at this point I am just rambling, but I've been keeping this to myself for what feels like ages. Anyways. Thank you again for your reply so sosososo so much. It helped a lot.

I'm glad my response helped and I'm proud of you for working towards health. I distracted myself from my abusive childhood experiences (C-PTSD stuff) with weight loss too, and it quickly spiraled into anorexia- and it did the absolute opposite of making me not want to die, so don't convince yourself and ED will improve your life, it never will. I felt like I "deserved" to suffer, that somehow if I suffered enough it would make right what was broken in me. If I could just be "thin enough" it would fix all my problems, so I used behaviors and buried myself in my ED to avoid dealing with the real problems in my life. From what you've said it seems like you're doing the same, so please get help. I don't have any friends either so I come onto Tumblr to vent and find support as well. I know weaning yourself off of harmful tags is difficult, that it feels like a proper distraction from your other suffering, but it will not help. Please believe me, I've been battling these demons for almost 14 years- almost as long as you've been alive- and all it did was waste my life and make me mentally disabled and even more withdrawn from the world- as well as give me countless health problems I will never recover from. I may be in recovery, but my body will never fully recover from the hell anorexia put it through. I lost hair, have multiple damaged organs that require meds and outpatient care frequently, severe GI issues, I almost lost my teeth, needed multiple surgeries, developed osteopenia and had to do PT over and over as I continuously damaged my body with over exercising and starvation. It may feel like a "good" distraction now, but it's not. It will ruin your life more than it already has if you don't get help. I know growing up is hard, but it will only be harder with an ED. Sweeatspos are NOT "nice and understanding," they are another trap for you to fall into created by disgusting pro ana blogs to convince you your life will somehow get better if you get sicker. It won't. Anorexia ruined my life, my body, everything I had. I am just starting to get my life back in my late 30s. You're young; your mind and body can still fully recover if you make the necessary changes now- don't end up like me. Please, get help. I know what it's like to feel like no one cares, especially when you're suicidal, because I've been there. I just got out of the hospital after an attempt in November actually, and as soon as I attempted I got help and went to the hospital because I realized I didn't want to die- I just wanted the pain to stop, and I get the feeling that you're in the same boat. So really harp on your healthcare team about medication, therapy, anything you need to get better. If you feel you'd be safer in a hospital, GO. I've been hospitalized over and over throughout my life when I was most in danger from myself and even if it doesn't "fix" you it will get you more urgent physical and psychiatric attention by a medical team that will take you seriously and keep you safe. Don't wait until you can't fully recover like I did. Get help now, let them all know you're in real danger- it can bring discomfort to truly let people know how badly you're suffering, but you won't regret it. After all my time suffering I finally "came out" about my ED when I was hospitalized the last time to my close family and have only received support and love from doing so. I don't know if that will be your experience as I don't know any about your family, but I know having people irl who know my story has helped me cope, and if you can share your story with those who love you they could help you and support you in regaining your mental and physical health as well.

Your future doesn't have to be full of starving and pain- but you do have to choose, every day, to get better so it won't be!

[partyinthemysterymachine]

it hardly needs to be said that i am EXTREMELY protective of what i reveal in or about GOOMT, but i WILL say this:

i view GOOMT's...... Arcs(??) (Timeline??? ?? idfk) as separated into four books. there are four reasons to separate them into four books. i will be getting GOOMT printed when it is said and done, btw, and i can assure you that these four books will also have the additional use as a murder self defense weapon

not to mention that GOOMT also being four books alongside Harry's Filicide series ALSO being in four books may or may not have Implications or Correlations, aehdkgfdghkehghaha

oh yeah. chinhands. shit. Harry's Filicide series. yeah no that's GOOMT canon LOL i know i've talked about the Filicide series before just briefly here and there but no. no, that's GOOMT canon. hahaaha. i'm pretty sure i can talk about it bc there's like. nothing Spoilers about it so yeah let's give it a gew

so before the events of The Fuckening of Silent Hill Pt 2 or 3 Depending On Who You Talk To GOOMT, Harry was starting to seriously consider retirement, or at least taking a very long hiatus from writing.

he thought it'd be fun to knock out a book that was a very personal project. a. VERY. personal. project. it was kinda dark, it was strange and ~experimental~, as many would state in reviews. and it was called Filicide.

it was published, it received its accolades and its criticisms and Harry was like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and was just kind of chuckling wryly to himself that it was doing so well. and then he was going to announce that he was taking semi-retirement/extended hiatus when his agent/editor (Maggie) strolled up and /chinhand on his counter and was like. sooooooo~

........ soooooooo Filicide's doing reaaaallly well and people are wanting a sequel :) and i knoooow you said you wanted to retire, Harry. But. what if--

harry's like. mfer. jfc maggie i SAID i wanted to retire, i don't even have any more lore for that!! it was supposed to be a one-off!!! hello!!!!!! ma'am please button your blouse your advances don't work on me

sorry harry i just don't know how to seduce men with morals. anyway soooooo wouldja do a sequel oooorrrr :)c???

so basically Harry's like FINE. FINE i'll write a fuckin sequel jfc FINE but this better be THE LAST ONE--

SIKE spoiler alert it, it was not. Filicide got a sequel, yes: Infanticide. maggie was like. ummmm......... sooooo about that title,

and Harry put his foot down, like. either u publish it with that title or u aint gettin it

she's like. ok the execs said fine. but jfc, harry

Harry just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ !!!!! what did i say!!!!!!!! so now we have two books in the series. and Harry's like pls let me hiatus now. and they were in agreement. but Infanticide did really well. people were loving it. it was REALLY off of his normal writing path and while Infanticide got some more negative and weird reviews than Filicide did, Harry super didn't care (considering the extremely personal nature of these books), his publisher loved their paychecks from it, Maggie loved her paychecks, and Harry loved his paychecks too!! so happy family right??

WRONG guess again moron. HOW'S ABOUT A THIRD and i'm pretty sure that Harry was actually in the middle of writing the fourth and last book of the series (and it was hard agreed-on this time that this was going to be the last Or Else) when GOOMT then takes place. so in the series, we have:

Filicide

Infanticide

Patricide

Suicide

which, super great dark and edgy right?? makes u think u might have an idea of what the plot of those are bc they're very personal to Harry and very uhhh Telling in their titles, right??

well. what if i told you. that the series is NOT a retelling of his time in Silent Hill, but yes, has strong connections to Cheryl/Alessa/Heather, but no, not THAT strong, but also it's a sci-fi ghost story in Space. :) now what would u think of that

anyway. throws glitter. Lore

[karlmarxmaybe]

ASKING FOR ADVICE TO HELP AN ABUSED CHILD

I know of a trans Canadian child whose parents are transphobic and abusive. He's at high risk of self-harm. I don't know much info about him (name, specific region of Canada he lives in) bc I only know him from his youtube channel. If you know how I can help him, please answer or message me. Details about the situation below.

TW: child abuse, neglect, transphobia, CSA, suicide attempt

Hello. I recently found a very tiny youtube channel that posts gameplays, tiktoks and clips of animated shows. It is run by a teenager (I don't know his age for sure) who makes community posts talking about his terrible life situation. He is a trans boy and his parents are very transphobic, they actively gaslight him and tell him nobody cares about him, they forbid him from talking to people and are actively infringing his rights. He also talks about being repeatedly sexually assaulted and abused by classmates at his school, in 4th grade. His mother's husband installed a camera in the living room and it makes him feel unsafe. He shows signs of PTSD and has attempted suicide various times. He needs immediate help.

I tried calling Canadian child servicies but they need to know for which region of Canada I'm calling and I don't know which region he lives in (I only know he's located in Canada from his youtube info). I am trying the Canadian trans helpline but it's always occupied. I don't know what else to do.

Please, someone who knows how I can help respond or message me. If you don't know how to help reblog so it can get to someone who knows. Please, we have to help him.

I have transcribed some of his posts below so you have more info. Again, trigger warnings for child abuse, neglect, transphobia, CSA and suicide attempt.

Post from a year ago:

I always thought that no matter how bad things got at home i would still have school and i wouldn't really get hurt or touched but not anymore | guess. So last Wednesday a boy classmate of mine kneed me on the butt and when another classmate confronted him he just played it off as a joke then today durning second recess a girl in the other __th grade class came up to me randomly and slapped me on the butt and when | told her to stop and leave me alone the boy from last Wednesday came and kicked me on the butt then the girl came and slapped me on the butt a second time and then ran. When | tried to tell a teacher that was on duty she told the girl that she's not in trouble and to just talk it out with me. Worst part of it is | thought of her as a friend and multiple people were telling the girl to leave me alone.

Post from 10 months ago:

Just found out my parents secretly his acamera in the living room and now | feel,unsafe? Now, idk if unsafe is the right wordbut once | saw it | started getting anxiousalmost immediately. | know it's just a camera and it's in the living room instead of a bedroom or bathroom but still, there shouldn't BE a camera anywhere anyways.

Post from 9 months ago:

My mom and her husband keep acting sexual with each other, which isn't unexpected, they're two adults who are married to each other but what | mean by this is they'll act sexual almost anywhere but alone in their room, mostly in the kitchen. So lately whenever | go into the kitchen whether it be because they called me or both my siblings name making me think they want me or because I'm hungry, and when | see them being sexual with each other, my mom blames me because "| should know better" then tells me about doing explicit stuff with her husband then gets mad at me for being upset

Think of what | said like a AITA reddit post, I basically just want an opinion on the situation

Post from 3months ago:

does anyone else feel like they're going insane due to their parents? turns out that a shit ton of the stuff my mother has taught me is just all bullshit lies that have ruined my life in so many ways, and my stepdad constently tells me that he's going to kill my cat and if i had blue eyes then my mother would love me. and that's not even mentioning the phsyical abuse or anything i've repressed. it all feels like torture but i have to deal with it because everyone has it worse then me and what if i tell another adult? they'll have to get CAS involed then i'll get taken away and put into a worse home and i'll ruin my siblings lives and the entire family all because i was selfish. but what if that was just another one of my mothers lies and it's none of that willhappen??? but what about all those damn documentaries and shows my mother would make me watch of other children that had been put into terrible foster homes?? that means it can happen to me if i don't keep my mouth shut but i feel like i'm slowly going insane and i don't know what to do, there's nothing i can do! do i deserve this because i'm a bad child? or was a bad child? was i bound to live like this? did i do something wrong again and i just can't remember it again??? what do i do??? what have i done??? i don't know anymore and i want this to all stop but the only way to stop it is death but that'll be selfish because what if someone finds my dead body??? what if there's still people that care about me??? then it'll be cruel to end myself when people still care about me because i'll make them sad. i've already ruined so many people's lives while alive i shouldn't continue it while being dead. or is that also not true? is none of it true? is everyone but my parents the ones that are actually correct? i really can't tell anymore and that hurts the most

Post from 3 months ago:

what do I do with transphobic parents?yesterday i had to be with my parents for about 8 hours as my mother screamed at me and told me a bunch of terrible things because she found out i want to be a boy and she refuses to see me as one. some of the things she said is that wanting to be the opposite gender is a mental illness, how she feels like i killed her daughter. she straight told me that she will never accept me and that no matter how much i care about someone nobody really cares about me and everyone will just forget about me in a few years and how the ONLY people that care about me is my mother and step-father. she also forbids me from talking to anyone but i luckily have a secret computer that I've been using to talk to a friend. do i just have to accept all of this? is there anything i can do? i'm not old enough to move out and there's no one outside my household that i can stay with, even if there was my mother would just put up a huge fight having me go back anyways. | don't know what to do, i mean as long as i'm not getting physically hurt then I should just accept basically being mentally tortured, right? | just have to survive 4 more years then i can move far away but i just wantto die more and more everyday, and i was getting better when everyone at school was being accepting but yesterday my mother destroyed all of it. honestly I'll be surprised if I'm still alive in 2 years, and I'm really trying to continue living for my 2 best friends and my cat but if my mom's correct and they don't actually care about me then what the hell's the point. i don't know anymore, please can anyone give me a sliver of advice on how to deal with any of this

Post from 1 month ago:

Sometimes I wonder if both my parents loved me and treated me like human being, raised me with human decency, just like they treat everyone else.

How different would I be? Surely I'd be better, right? Hypothetically? It doesn't matter anyways, | want to die so much I've already tried three times this week and when | tried to ask my mom for a therapist she said | don't need one, she literally signed me up for some sort of waiting list thing and when | finally told her | got a voicemail to call back she told me that | don't need one and started to guilt trip me. | fucking need it, if lanyards didn't snap open easily then | would be dead. The only reason I'm still alive is because the lanyard snaps open whenever | try to hang myself with it and I'm too tires to go searching for something better. | fucking hate this, I'll try to kill myself one night then go to school the next day as if I wouldn't be dead if it weren't for a stupid lanyard. It's stupid and I'm just making people concerned whenever I'm acting "off". Nobody would be concerned about me ever again if | was dead. How many things can | YELL before they finally listen to me? How many things do | have to do before they notice or know? And those statements, or questions, go for everyone in my life. It doesn't matter how much | ask for help or simply show are yell about how I'm not alright everyone just keeps doing what their doing and won't listen until about an hour later of me trying to show I'm upset someone finally notices and | say that | was literally yelling at them and they still didn't even notice me, when that happens they feel bad and start to apologize. For SOME people it now just feels like empty apologizes, while for others | know they have a hard time paying attention especially when someone already has their attention so they get a pass because it's not they mean it. But still. At this point does it really matter? | have a job, a purpose if you will, and that is to protect and care for everyone. But some people | don't want to take care of. | don't want to keep taking care of grown adults who hardly take care of me, but | still have to because | know them. If | die I'll only feel bad for my cat and my 2 best friends. I've lost everything else that made me want to live. My little cousin's, my grandpa, | hardly see my Nana and my mom's cousin/ my "aunt” anymore. | promised to myself that | would protect my cousin's and now they're god knows where and everyone else is some other reason, the worst part might be that they're not dead, they're still alive, | can cope with death much easier than abandonment.But it's whatever. It's life. You lose people and eventually you die. So what's the point anymore? | could kill myself during summer break and nobody but my family would know. At least my friends wouldn't be worried and sorrowful

Post from 3 weeks ago:

My parents took away my mattress, my bedframe is bars, | have no where to sleep buton a broken couch that someone has masturbated on SEVERAL times

Post from 4 days ago:

| hate remembering stuff so much, I've taught myself to forget all the bad memories, so much so that I'm quick to forget even the good memories. But now lately whenever | try to use my method to forget stuff | just remember more. | don't want to remember more. | hate it so much. | don't want to remember all the time's I've been SAd at school. Why the fuck do | have to remember that. | hate remembering what happened each time. | hate remembering being surrounded by several people and all they did was STAND THERE AND FUCKING AS | CRIED AND SCREAMED AT THEM TO STOP. | FUCKING HATE THAT | HAVE TO REMEMBER IT. THEN BEING BLAMED FOR CAUSING A SCENE OR TOLD THAT IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT, A MISTAKE. IT WASN'T A FUCKING ACCIDENT. THEY WERE TOLD TO LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE HAND. THEN WHEN THEY ACTUALLY STARTED SLAPPING MY ASS AND | SCREAMED AT THEM TO STOP THEY FUCKING DIDN'T ALL THEY DID WASLAUGH. so it wasn't a fucking mistake. Infact they would've kept going and it would'vegotten worse if | wasn't saved by the bell. The people | was hanging out with just stared and watched. Out of all the time's I've been SA'd at school only ONE person has even tried to help me, Olivia told D to leave me alone beforehand because she knows | would never want that, especially unexpected and by someone who | hardly knew, even when D and M wouldn't leave me alone Olivia was trying to also scream at them to leave me alone and when the bell rang she ran over to me, put her hand on my back and led me over to our doors, led me up the stairs and helped me to find the French teacher because | trusted her. That was the only time someone tried to help. Not any of the times in 4th grade, and that shit went one everyday for 3 months! And at no point did anyone help me on track and field day, despite being surrounded by so many people all they did was watch or look the other way when | was pinned to the ground and being touched inappropriately by TWO people. So of course | had to fight to get back to standing. And when a teacher finally came over because | was screaming and crying,despite telling them what had just happened they just gave me trouble for causing a scene. | fucking hate all the people that touched me the way they did. | hate that people just stood there and did fucking nothing. And | fucking hate the teachers that just waved me off and said it was fine. | fucking hate remembering shit that | want to desperately forget

[gothicvalentine]

I'm so livid right now! I don't normally get this angry but ffs. I'm almost shaking I'm so pissed off.

This is really, really long because I don't do brevity and because background is needed to understand the situation so this is continued under the cut. I'm on mobile though so I really hope it adds a cut. If not, I'll edit my post later when I get on my laptop.

Warning: in addition to being an extremely long post, I mention feeling suicidal so if that might be triggering to anyone, please skip reading this. Thanks!

:read more:

So I don't have water. Haven't for about a year and a half. Because my depression is so bad I'm I haven't been doing self care or housework for years (at least).

Things got so bad I finally decided to file for social security disability in mid March 2021.

We have a local agency here which is a Christian place that ostensibly helps people with things they need. They have a shower for use that I was allowed to use a few times (knowing it's there is great but I still have zero motivation to use it).

With no water, I've been buying gallon jugs of water when I still had some money or with my food stamps. With the price of everything skyrocketing, I've decided spending at least $5 a week on water could be cut to zero or a bit more if they didn't mind if I filled up 2 gallon jugs of water a couple of times a week.

After all, I wasn't using their water to bathe and they'd said another client came in to fill up water jugs so they said I could as well. They were the ones who actually suggested it when they interviewed me last year!

I stopped in last week and they're was only an intern there and she didn't know what to do so she asked someone on the retail side (or whatever--they have an attached thrift shop) since everyone else was in meetings.

I was given the ok and I filled up 2 jugs. I wanted to check this time before I just stopped in, especially since they were so weird about it last time, so I called and they picked up the phone today.

I don't know if this lady was an intern or not but she wanted me to come in for an interview again. I asked if that was an annual thing (because nothing has changed since last year) and she said she didn't think it normally would be, but they're had a lot of staff changes. They'd also like to talk and get to know me "to see if there's anything else they'd be able to help with." Uh huh, sure. You mean you want to try to convert me. 🙄

I was not happy about it and I think this lady could tell but I agreed and I guess their first available is not until next Monday afternoon. Since that's an entire week, I asked if I could at least fill up my water before then and she hemmed and hawed (fuck, I'm really dating myself aren't I?) and essentially said that no, I couldn't.

Her excuse was they they are closed Thursday and Friday and will be very busy the rest of the time and might be in and out of the office. Yeah because filling up a jug of water is going to take 30 minutes. And I'll need to be heavily supervised so I don't rob them blind while I'm filling up the water or something.

I wrote them off last year because I asked for help with some really tall weeds and brush, trees, etc. I don't have the lawn gadgets to take care of this on my own even if I wasn't too depressed to get out of bed to do anything. In addition I have a number of physical issues that make it really hard, if not impossible to do many things. (I think it's probably severe anxiety plus my gastroparesis, but I'm nauseous most days and vomiting some)

The place knew I had no income last year so they didn't ask me to pay them (they said they usually for a contribution) but they asked if I could help them remove the trees and weeds. I told them I would be willing to help if I was able to and felt ok that day. They said they'd need to meet with their volunteers and would get back to me.

Stupid me. I had thought nothing of telling them that I would be losing my home, probably before 2022 since I had no way to continue to pay my mortgage and even if I did, my home requires extensive repairs. Even the city sent a notice saying my roof needed to be repaired. 😳 (they never did that when I lived in Des Moines!)

When they finally called me back, they said they'd talked to their volunteers but the volunteers weren't willing to help me if I wasn't going to be staying in my home. Wtf?!?!

I had told the Christian place that the city had given me a notice that it needed to be done or they'd do it (and it would probably be several hundred minimum for the city to do it, plus you can't just not pay a government agency back--they will legit take your license until it's paid--I checked)

I was so stressed out but luckily I called the city and explained the situation and they haven't taken action against me yet.

I'm still in my home because the mortgage company gave me a forbearance then wrote off the late charges and everything. I was able to make 1 payment (barely) with a little leftover money I had from my LTD policy benefits that ran out in February, but it's ready to go back into foreclosure again next month.

I'm just so, so upset that I have to jump through all these hoops to fill up on a few gallons of water for the week--and because apparently Christians don't care if other people go without water or something. (and before someone @s me: #notallchristians)

Fuck my life.

To make things infinitely worse, I'm a hoarder. With no one to help me. So I don't have motivation to get out of bed or anything, let alone clean and pack . . . a normal house.

My home isn't normal and hasn't been for decades. And my therapist told me I'm stressing her out because I'm having so much trouble doing anything and have no motivation despite knowing if I don't act I'll lose even the stuff I value most.

I had a peer support person who was really nice and said she'd be willing to help, but she quit last week. 😭

I have family who know at least part of my situation but none of them have contacted me in months (and I'm always the one who has to reach out to them).

I stopped reaching out because I know being super depressed and negative is a downer for most (all?) people. Plus, since I'm struggling I don't want people to think that's why I'm reaching out to them.

Of course, I do really need help and it would be great if at least one person in my family was willing to be there for me at this time. (my daughter is helping out some financially where she can, but she's the only one) *fyi I can repay my daughter easily if I get approved for SSDI but if I don't (which I'm terrified will happen--how bad do things have to be? Are my providers even understanding how bad things are? Are they documenting this well?) and I end myself instead, she's the beneficiary of my 75k or so IPERS account.

I'm afraid that my home will foreclose and I won't get my stuff and instead of just giving up on my stuff, that I'll decide I can't go on without my things and try to kill myself again. I don't even think that would be a bad thing.

I'm so tired of constantly suffering. Why do people think it's ok for people to commit suicide if someone is terminally ill, but not for long term severe mental illness? I know mental pain is supposed to be fleeting, that suicidal ideation is supposed to be fleeting. But what if it isn't?

And what if you have a lot of physical pain and mental pain and it's just so unbearable when you feel like no one even cares? If your own family apparently gives zero fucks about you, how in the everloving hell is anyone else supposed to care?!?!?

Sorry for burdening anyone who reads this. I just don't feel like my family cares and my mental health providers are paid to pretend to care and I don't think they really listen or at least understand what I'm trying to tell them. What I keep telling them over and over. I just needed to finally put this out there somewhere.

I was going to post something similar a few months ago, but decided not to because 1) I didn't want to bring anyone down or stress them out and 2) I didn't want to risk a welfare check by the police or something.

I'm not actively suicidal atm (like with a plan and the intent) plus, cops are really bad at de-escalating situations. So bad that suicide by cop has crossed my mind. But I'm white and female so I'm not sure I'd be a sufficient enough threat for that to be a valid option anyway.

[epickiya722]

(cw warning: mentions of suicide)

hiya kiya !! truest words you have ever said about Kacchan haters ! while i’m not a Kacchan hater, hating a character shouldn’t be a trend, if there’s a valid reason for hating him (having similar anger traits as him, once told someone to commit s*****e, did acts of bullying or just being harsh and rash on someone) then that’s valid. but at the same time if you hate a secondary character that’s vital to the story, you shouldn’t be part of the fandom at all. but anyways, fandoms can have it’s strengths and weaknesses … but there is something that fandoms can always relate to: it’s human stories.

EXACTLY! (AND HI BACK AT YOU, I HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOING WELL!)

I'll use liking Katsuki as an example. He's a popular character, a very popular character. Some people probably forget Midoriya is the protagonist of BNHA because of it. Even so, I like him because he's an interesting character to me. I do like his character design (but Katsuki, sweetie, please stop wearing them church shoes), he does make me chuckle, and he does have an interesting character development to me. I like him not because everyone else thinks he's cute. I like him not because everyone thinks he's badass. I like not because of the popular Baku-ships.

I like him simply because I do. From my views.

Yes, it's nice to have people who feel the same way about him. However, I'm not in the crowd just "to fit in". I'm in it for me.

And what's sucks is, other than being a trend, I feel like some people clown on people for not sharing the same views and that's why it does become a trend/the "only" option. Seriously, if you're a person who clowns on someone because they don't share the same views on you, you're the worse.

When someone says they hate Katsuki because he reminds them of bad times, I'm not going to go "Oh, you're being sensitive" or "But he's such a great character"! No, that's how they feel. I'm leaving it at that. Vice versa, someone taunts you for liking Katsuki "Oh but he sucks" and "he's only there for shipping", they're being worse than he is simply for the fact Katsuki may be fiction, but a living breathing human being's feelings is not.

"There is something that fandoms can always relate to: it’s human stories" -> YES.

BNHA can hit close to home for some people and guess what, that is fine. Sometimes it's the reason why we love or hate characters, the plot, whatever it is. That is just part of being human. We have feelings.

Don't put those feelings aside just to impress someone. Don't do it to follow the crowd. Because really you're dehumanizing yourself. You're not considering your feelings, instead just choosing to be a follower.

For any BNHA (or whatever the series) character, if you hate them for your personal reasons. That is fine. If you like them for your personal reasons, that is fine!

(This answer got a little longer than expected. I realize I do tend to ramble even though I plan on making it short.)

[tsukasageorge]

you want me, i want you, but love will devour us all too quickly

WARNING: these poems discuss dark topics such as death and suicide. if you're not in the mood for something sad (or long) please take care of yourself and don't read this.

you

you are calm bordering on indifferent bordering on apathetic

which you're glad to be

but when you do get mad you throw darts at the board

and you are too upset to aim, so you miss

and you miss

and you miss

and every hole in the wall is another hole in your heart

until you collapse to the floor, bleeding.

want

you want to be an actor or an artist or an animator but you still remember when you didn't want to be anything but gone.

you want to be loved by all, but you told me all those years ago that love and hate aren't so different.

you want to be pretty, skinny, funny, smart, strong, fast, talented. back then you wanted to be kind too, didn't you? oh, how time flies.

you want to be more than you are, and that's okay, but it doesn't mean

that you will ever

be more

than nothing.

me

you always did tell me you loved me.

not to my face

but to my hair when you braided it before we went to bed

to my hands when you squeezed them and promised me it'd be alright

to my shoulders when you happily wrapped your arms around them

and to my eyes

my eyes that refuse to leave you

even after the black body bag is wheeled out of sight.

I

I lay in the barkchips on warm summer evenings to watch the stars and see if they've changed

slowly but surely they move across the sky like snails

and i think about how even though they're already dead

they're still on a journey

their light touching planets an unfathomable distance away

i think about how those stars went up in flames and brought their whole solar system down with them

and I think about how we look at those stars and see them as beautiful, not as things that raised billions of organisms just to kill them one day.

im sure that there is just as much blood on my hands as there is on those stars

and i can only hope that some way, some how, i can make up for all the people who's lives i stole

by ending my own.

want

perhaps the want is where it all started.

a tiger hunts its prey not because it wants to, but because it needs to.

a rabbit runs from a wolf not because it wants to, but because it needs to.

life is pushed by need

and only when you no longer need

can you begin to want

humans survived the need

but be careful, the rabbit warns

want will swallow you whole.

you

you don't remember all the times that you ran ahead of me when we were little

never asking me where we should go next

only leaving me to clean up after you

but i do

and you don't remember the time you had a panic attack and ran through the forest and got lost, but you do remember me hugging you after we finally found each other and really, that's all that's worth remembering.

you pretend you don't remember the time i showed up at your house mid-mental breakdown and begged you to tell me why she did that to me. why she said that when i was just a little kid, when i loved her more than myself.

and i pretend i don't remember you making me packet hot cocoa and calming me down and binge watching game shows together until we fell asleep on your bed

i guess we thought ignoring it would be best

but id give away my heart, my body, and my soul to have one more night like that with you

even knowing what I'd wake up to the next day

because I never wanted to let you die

somewhere that wasn't in my arms.

but

all the other towns have found their river

all the other cities have built their dams

i sit by a muddy puddle

watching the frog that sits in it

hoping that one day it'll leap away and show me the way

but it's dead

and i'm dead

and you're dead

i may not be able to feel love

but i think i can understand

the fear of losing it.

love

you are nothing without love.

you can have your fancy car

and your pathetic little family

you can work as hard as you want

for as long as you want

until your flesh tears from bone, for all I care

but nothing you do will ever matter

because you can't feel it.

love is the only light in this world.

love is the only joy in this world.

without it you are useless.

so, so useless.

will

a want is where it started and a will is where it ended.

you wanted to love me

i wanted to love you

and so we did.

we loved.

i said i wanted to spend my whole life with you

but life can only get you so far,

so let's give death a try, huh?

as it turns out, a will to live and a will to lie

are not so different after all.

devour

you're never really satisfied, you know.

you're like a black hole

breathing in galaxies but never breathing out

I hope one day you learn that

you can devour as many planets as you want

but that will never fill the void inside of you.

us

we're like a firework in a pond

a wheel that bounces instead of turns

lily pads scattering the halls

a sky on fire, we watch the clouds burn.

we're like a long car ride at midnight

a painting of pinocchio 

the three blue eyes on the wall

a tiger chasing a doe

and we set the sky on fire

we watch the world burn

but none of it matters

we'll all be devoured soon anyways.

all

on a warm summer night, as we were lying in the bark chips you told me

about life. about death. about flaws.

and you told me people are all the same

spending their time trying to honor the dead

rather than celebrate the living

but you suppose you don't mind

recieving flowers for your suffering

(that's why i always bought bouquets for the table.)

you always said that one life is insignificant compared to the planet, the universe.

my question is,

are the fractions worth the same as the whole?

are the many really more valuable than the few?

do we all add up to anything

but tragedy?

you had no answer,

but i asked anyway.

too

we're driving fast through the night

as the shadows chase our car

like monsters drilling minutes into the clock that winds

and winds until it explodes. 

we're going too far too fast and there's sirens begging us to stop but we can't stop. not yet.

i clutch my phone to my chest

still set to the message your mother sent me

and i hope that you can hear me

because we always did have a funny way of reading each other's thoughts.

right now my thoughts are full of

I should have noticed

I should have seen the voices screaming valor winding and winding

and now you've exploded

and what am I left to do but follow in your footsteps yet again?

and i know that you can hear me

because you always did have a funny way of reading my thoughts

but it seems like 

too fast for us

was too little, too late. 

quickly

i never did like time.

the thought of death didn't bother me

hell, heaven, or nothing,

it didn't matter because i wouldn't be alone.

but the way the little red hand ran in circles

feeling the life i had left slip through  my fingers like sand

never knowing how much there was

or how it would run out

felt much worse

than love ever could.

did you find it annoying,

me trailing behind you

talking about how time was too slow and too quick at the same time

never shutting up

or leaving you alone?

probably.

you thought you could get rid of me, didn't you?

well, too bad

im not letting you go just yet.

there's a long road to tomorrow

but it'll be yesterday before we know it.

thank you for reading!

[rosieartsie]

I for a little bit have access to a computer so I've been doin the memes and things, but here, as a treat for sticking with me friends, here's a nice chunk of New Faith for you. TW for gore- the novel has a lot of body horror in it, it's equal parts gay pining and horrific demon body horror lol so strap in for that I guess. For Context, Vincente and Mercutio are doing their usual morning ritual of having breakfast together and discussing the fact that Vincente's friend Vanessa is due to have a baby basically any minute. There's weird shit happening. They really shouldn't talk about it. Unfortunately they're gonna cuz if they don't where's the plot lol. Oh, and also- Mercutio is an empath. Worth knowing for this beginning bit here lol. Enjoy <3

"Mercutio feels warmth from behind him, a tingling, tickling sensation that rides up his right side and cups the back of his neck, and he knows immediately that what he’s said has pleased Vincente in some heartfelt way, and that he is looking at Mercutio’s back with that sentiment. He knows if he looks back, if he smiles, Vincente will whip his head down and duck into that newspaper like he’s under fire, so he doesn’t… he just quietly enjoys the gift he didn’t ask for, being able to feel what Vincente has never been willing to admit because he is so very, very catholic and so deeply determined to be uncertain of his own feelings. He won’t give Vincente his daily dose of Catholic Shame by exposing those feelings, leave that to some other local who knows everyone and everything in their tiny town, to the lucky one hundredth person to gently ask after what sort of relationship Vincente and Mercutio have. 

The newspaper flaps behind him and the feeling is gone, just a brush of accidental affection, something that goes unnoticed because Mercutio has never really told Vincente how his empathic abilities work, only that they do and that they were useful back then, back when they were dealing with demons together and Mercutio could feel the suffocating torment of a demonic presence off of someone from fifty feet away. Eggs, toast, plates and his own cup of coffee are made up by hands that work without his mind on them, and when he sits himself down beside Vincente, corner of the table making an edge between them, he notices a new, less pleasant feeling dully pulsing off his friend. 

Worry. An unusual sort of worry when it comes to Vincente but a common worry for most people. The sort of worry that makes one reach for the nearest sharp thing, the sort of worry that leaves all the lights in the house on and double checks the door locks. Vincente is glaring at the newspaper, eyes scanning quickly, reading line for line, then up and again, searching for specific details that are not there. Mercutio already knows what he’s reading, and knows not to ask, knows he’ll read it with the same worry, the same expression later. 

What is written in the paper, has been written in vague, mainstream-media populus soothing terms for the last several months, are news reports about small towns all across the country evolving into strange, violent cults. A new, dangerous faith the papers call it when they want to be dramatic to sell their stories, a growing religion being studied and under control when they don’t want anyone panicking over it. The most recent story Mercutio read described a place up in Wisconsin during christmas time, the tiny town of 307 caught up in a storm that snowed in the place so securely that by the time police had gotten to it, everyone in the town had been dead. A mass suicide, bodies decorating the town literally, a festival of the macabre with all of the denizens posed in the streets in various states of torn apart and frozen over from the storm, all wearing smiling faces and wide, dead, white-eyed stares. Several of the bodies, according to the report, had severe frostbite and many of the people of the town were in varying states of undress, as though the cold was no matter to them, wanting to celebrate some unknown, deadly holiday in the whipping winds and subzero temperatures, to feel nature’s might upon their skin regardless of the damage it would do. 

Mercutio knows that these stories would be ‘their territory’, if they were still exorcists. If they hadn’t decided wholesale to stop looking straight into the dark, putting their bodies, minds and souls at risk, he knows that he and Vincente would be piling equipment into Vincente’s car and be on their way to the nearest town with whispers of this dangerous strangeness. It sounds like demons, alright. But not in a way Mercutio has seen. Demons don’t wrap themselves around whole towns, they don’t provoke mass hysteria and prey upon large groups. At least this is a thing that movies about demons get right… isolation is a demon’s very best friend. A family? Certainly. That family and their neighbors? On occasion, but usually? It’s one person and as much suffering as can be squeezed out of them, along with the suffering their suffering can invoke from those who love them and want to see them well or those who are frightened of how they’ve been changed. Baffled doctors, priests who hardly believe demons are real in that way, weeping mothers and headstrong but horrified fathers, confused lovers who lie next to the victims at night and siblings who notice the changes instantly, those are all tasty treats surrounding the main dish of a demon’s victim, so these stories of towns that reek of all the signs of possession but are too big to be that, are exactly the sort of thing that would make Vincente and Mercutio haul ass out to see, barreling carelessly into danger in hopes to be useful. 

That’s why they don’t talk about it, even though they both know they’re reading the stories. They said they’d stop, didn’t they? There are enough priests in the world, and while churches with exorcists will happily extort wealthy white families with possessed pretty blonde daughters and leave poorer families suffering from supernatural plight to continue suffering, there has to be plenty of reward in saving whole towns from damnation. A pretty penny in rescuing so many souls, maybe even a kiss from the Pope. Mercutio tells himself that at least, to quiet the urge to ask Vincente about it, and he is sure Vincente has much the same reasons to glare at the newspaper and say nothing of what is disturbing him. There is a Kelly or an Alex on the way, a new park is being set up that might have blackberry bushes and cyprus trees, the weather is perfect this summer and on every corner some sweet little child has decided to throw their hat into the capitalist rat race with home-made lemonade stands. They said they’d stop. They can’t talk about it, if they want it to stay that way. 

Mercutio does wonder, has wondered, if Vincente has gotten in contact with any of the priests he used to know about all of this. After all, Vincente was part of an order, a proper Catholic exorcist with training and faith and an iron will against all things damned. His reputation often proceeded him, and he had potential to become quite renown back then, which was a major matter of grief for his colleagues when he chose to work independently with a tattoo covered, foul mouthed, obviously gay druggy with some strange luck for picking up on possessions. Mercutio doubts that Vincente gave any of those complaints the time or energy to explain, he simply told Mercutio to get into his car one day, and after that they were a team, but Mercutio remembers how changed Vincente had been after they’d first met, concerned with the same possessed young man but taking totally different approaches with their intent to help him. 

Mercutio had been cocky back then, he remembers so distinctly how he jutted his chin at Vincente and told him so plainly that he was barking up the wrong tree, that Saints and prayer beads wouldn’t save this one from his affliction. It had baffled and offended Vincente then, but when Mercutio had bothered to explain over midnight breakfast in a diner out in the grain-field nowhere of the midwest a month into their unusual new partnership, Vincente had accepted Mercutio’s explanation without much fuss. America is a strange place, after all, a melting pot in all the positive ways America loves to flaunt to more homogenous, xenophobic nations as though Americans don’t try their best to be quietly homogenous and xenophobic in their own right. A melting pot of people, of ideas, of religions, of living, breathing faith. With all those different versions of salvation and spiritual safety, matching darkness and damnation follows, all sorts of good and evil .

So the Good Book wasn’t always the answer. A lot of the time, sure, Christians are a dime a dozen in America and while the ideas of how to Do The Faith Thing are fractious and on a wide spectrum, the Book holds the Words all the same.The mass acceptance of Christianity makes its evils more persistent, more present than other rarer entities of darkness. But there’s lots of books, Mercutio had told Vincente, lots of versions and ideas and ways of being. And with it, lots of sin, temptation, and evil. Lots of demons, lots of kinds of demons, lots of kinds of supernatural torment. Vincente had taken to this idea like a fish to water, almost suspiciously for someone who was so palpably dedicated to the Catholic Church, and after that even though he wore the robe, it wasn’t beyond him to pick up another holy book, study the banishing words of some far off land or consider the dangers of a foreign darkness. 

Mercutio supposes after looking back upon those difficult works that Vincente’s goodness, the desire to be good, outweighed the dogma of one way being the right way. Vincente still prayed to God, still stopped in towns to go to confession while Mercutio sat half sunk into the passenger seat of his car smoking cigarettes, still kissed the rosary with all the reverence of whole-hearted belief. But the work, whatever it entailed, was good, so Vincente had done the work and had held back judgement for Mercutio’s opposing state of debauchery and sin not out of necessity but out of kindness. A good man, Vincente Flores. A good man who had quit the business the moment Mercutio said he was done himself. 

They’d said they’d stop. 

“Eat your breakfast or you’re gonna miss the baby.” Mercutio tells Vincente over the edge of his mug. Normally, he jokes about whatever it is Vincente is glaring at or grumbling about, but this thing he will not touch. Vincente sighs, but sets the paper aside to eat, and typical to a man who has seen too much but can’t afford to let all of those nightmares keep him from sustaining his body, he digs in, cutting yokes open and smearing butter and jelly on his toast, taking big bites, content once more or at least pretending at it. He checks his phone just to be sure he isn’t missing the baby, but it seems so far, there’s no news, since Vincente puts his phone away almost as quickly as he pulls it out. 

“What’s on your schedule?” Vincente asks Mercutio when his mouth isn’t full, a touch accusatory in a way that is like the guilt tripping, accidental for Vincente, comfortably tolerable for Mercutio. “I’ve got to go get more eggs…” Mercutio drawls, glancing up at his ceiling, “No work today, so I’ll do laundry, maybe go for a run. Ms. Dorothy said she wanted me to come over, she’s got something she wants to give me-- probably more dishes.” Mercutio taps the edge of his plate, another gift from Ms.Dorothy like the butter dish and their silverware, the handles decorated with finely drawn ornate swirls and flowers that Mercutio and Vincente have debated to be either holly leaves or lilies. 

This vague outline of Mercutio’s day seems to suffice because Vincente gives a small, sharp nod and goes back to eating. After nights of drinking it's always a bit more quiet like this-- they’ve already talked about the town gossip, chuckled away at what few good memories they have of the past and said coded things they both pretend to forget by morning. Mercutio does not mind that quiet, but the worry is still there and Vincente is thinking loudly enough that Mercutio might as well be telepathic along with an empath, if only being able to guess Vincente’s thoughts would count for proper telepathy. 

“Don’t worry,” Mercutio says, cutting through the quiet like he does, but drawing a look from Vincente that is shock, a warning, uncertainty, and something dangerously like hope. “The baby will be here before you know it… You don’t want the first time it meets you for you to be scowling like that at it, do you?” The smile that breaks across Vincente’s face is a relief. “Just getting all of my scowling out now.” He explains and Mercutio huffs, eyes rolling. “Why would I want to see you scowling?” He asks, a whining complaint that has Vincente shaking his head. “Just eat your breakfast.” His teasing is dismissed. It often is. Vincente’s phone chimes and it's out before it finishes the little, repeating tune. He answers, listens, looks at Mercutio and his face is more beautiful than salvation. The baby is coming."

[coffee-n-bagels-comic-universe]

Superheroes with Secrets: Kirby's 32nd Birthday [Part 1] (Fic Part 195. Set in 2002)

Around 2000 Words. 18+ in places. Please inform me if you wish to be tagged/untagged from posts.

Tags: @tantamount-treason @piratewithvigor @thedollmaker16

Reference Posts: ‘Giantess’/‘Blacklight Bandit’ Kirby Roussimoff x Gregory Shane 'Hurricane' Helms x 'Prince of Punk' Shannon Moore

Shannon bites his lip in excitement at the idea, "I hardly ever get to work from life. I usually have to work from memory. That's why… that's why his face is blank in half my book."

"Oh, well, if you do want to draw from life, feel free, I have my nude sketchbook and a picture of me and Shane after… we had sex in the graveyard." She admits sheepishly, blushing a deep red.

"In the what now?" He tries to keep from giggling.

"There's a graveyard about five minutes walk down the street and me and Shane were going to take our engagement and wedding invite photos there, and I told him how intriguing his eyes were and one thing led to another and we fucked in the graveyard, and Shane wanted to keep the memory and have a private photo of the moment." She explains, getting redder as she continues talking.

"Can I see that photo some day?"

"You can see it now if you want."

"Fuck yeah I wanna see it now."

Kirby goes to her desk, pulling open the drawer and grabbing the photo before walking back to Shannon and handing him the photo.

"Holy shit…" he whispers, looking it over and pulling in every detail, "he really has been working out. I knew he got buff fast, but… when was this taken?"

"This was taken I think a week before we got married, maybe two weeks before we got married… and he had just survived a fight with my crazy, and now dead, ex-boyfriend, Erik." She explains.

"Christ, wouldn't have been more than… three months ago?"

"Yeah, I think that's right, we got married on the ninth of September, so this would have been the fourth, but Shane moved fast, met me, started dating and then we got married in quick succession, kinda fitting that I call him mon ouragan d'amour."

"He's gained like… thirty, forty pounds of muscle since this was take… maybe I'm highballing, but he's gotten big fast…"

"It's not all muscle, there's a little bit of dad bod fat going on." Kirby jokes.

"Maybe in his ass, and a smidgen around his waist, but our boy's beefy."

"Beefy daddy, pure North Carolinian beef, what does that make us?"

"I wanna say it makes you mama cow, but I know way better than to call a woman a cow, cause my Mama didn't raise a suicidal fool, but I'd guess I'd be lean beef."

"So, I'm a highland cow, soft but tough? You know what a highland cow looks like Shannon, they're all soft and fuzzy but they have horns that can fuck you up."

"Yeah! Exactly!"

"So if you two are beefy boys, I'm the soft one who could easily fuck people up if they fuck with us."

"You're Mama Bear. You're soft and cuddly, but only an idiot would mess with you because you're also big and tough and could kill someone very easily if you wanted to."

"Yeah, but scaring the shit outta folks keeps you out of prison." She chuckles, messing with Shannon's hair.

"That's true."

"You should get some rest, I can show you the rest of my nude drawing of Shane tomorrow, as a treat for being so nice to me today."

"Kirby, tomorrow's your birthday. I get to treat you." He grins, kissing her cheek gently.

"I haven't celebrated my birthday with people I have sex with, ever, so you will have to forgive me if I get a little too handsy tomorrow." She explains, yawning and putting the picture back in the drawer before climbing into bed between Helms and Shannon.

Helms curls up to her instinctively and Shannon wraps his arm around both of them, settling in softly with a happy sigh.

The three wake up at the sound of their alarm going off, "mon mari, can you chuck the alarm at the wall, please." Kirby yawns.

Without hesitation, Helms does exactly that. It stays intact when it lands on the carpet, but shuts off.

"Merci, mon amour. I don't want to get out of bed just yet, but now I can't go back to sleep."

"No. Sleep. Stay. Bed warm. Outside bad." Helms mumbles.

"Caveman talk, really? I was gonna suggest we fuck and you use the caveman talk? Shannon, can I fuck you?" Kirby whines.

"Absolutely." Shannon grins.

"I would have sex with Shane, but the caveman talk doesn't really turn me on." She whispers, kissing Shannon and straddling his crotch, ghosting her fingers over his abs and down to his cock before she starts stroking him, just to get him hard before she slips his cock into her wet heat.

He sighs happily, his head tipping back as her cunt squeezes him gently, "God that feels good…"

She slowly starts riding him, moaning softly, "you like this, ma colombe?"

"Fucking love this."

"You want to grab me, or maybe get a little rough?"

"You sure you want me to?"

"I wouldn't suggest something I didn't want."

"Works for me." He grins, grasping her hips to thrust up into her hard.

"Oh fuck yes." She moans, gradually getting louder.

He keeps up the pace, working his own hips against hers to get deeper. Kirby's moans get louder as she gets closer to her climax, breathing heavily.

"Cum for me." He pants softly.

She cums, moaning his name and kissing him deeply as she stays on top of him. He kisses her back deeply, savouring every moment of her lips against his.

"Do you think you could go another round?"

"As many as you want, birthday babe."

"I want you and Shane to have your way with me." She purrs.

"Same time?"

"Yeah, same time or by yourselves, as many times as you want, but no edging me, and if you have to cum, you cum in me… let's see how many times we can get freaky today."

"Sounds like a perfect kind of day."

"So, what would you like to do with me?"

"Well, I've already got pussy dibs. Give Shaney a kick in the ribs to wake him up so he can take your pretty peachy ass."

"Oh mon mari," she purrs, sliding one hand down Helms' chest to his crotch and wrapping her hand around his dick and slowly stroking his cock in an attempt to wake him up, "you have to get up, my hero, get up and claim my pretty little ass."

"Claim your ass?" He murmurs, his accent extra thick after waking up.

"Yes, my hero, put that big beefy dick of yours in my ass, and listen to my plan for today."

"Yes, ma'am." He grins, climbing to his knees to position himself.

"I have already explained this to the little blonde bitch, ma colombe, but I want you two to have your way with me, as many times as possible today, if you want to cum, you cum in me, either together or alone, no edging, so even if we get interrupted, you gotta make me cum before you leave me."

"Oooh, I relish a challenge. Before we really start, I say no one goes more than three orgasms without a water or snack break. Once you reach that, tap out."

"Deal."

"Deal." Shannon agrees, thrusting up into Kirby quickly, but not roughly. Just to startle her a little.

"Oh, ma colombe." She hisses.

Determined not to be outdone, Helms lines himself up and after quickly slickling himself, he pushes inside her ass.

"Mon mari, mon amour, please… more."

"At the same time?" Shannon pants.

Helms nods in response, already sensitive from the early hours.

"You gonna make me scream, boys?"

"Damn right we are." Helms purrs in her ear as they begin thrusting into her at the same time.

She moans in delight, whispering out swear words in Welsh and French.

"Translation?" Shannon whispers.

"Most of what I just said can be summarized as 'fuck, shit, fuck, more."

"Glad to know we're doing well."

"You are doing very well, ma colombe, and mon mari, you can grab my tits if you want, don't hesitate, boys, enjoy me as much as I'm enjoying you."

"Would make better handles." Helms chuckles, reaching around to grope her.

"I love you boys, so much."

"Love you too." Helms whispers.

"Shane, I'm gonna cum."

"Do it. Cum for us."

Kirby moans loudly as she cums, breathing heavily and leaning against Helms for support. Shannon pushes up into her hard, pining her against Helms' chest as he reaches his edge. She squirms slightly and moans softly.

"That felt pretty damn nice…"

"Glad I could satisfy you."

"Satisfied both of us." Shannon moans softly.

"You both satisfied me as well, ma colombe."

"Feels like a damn good start to the day."

"And it's only going to get better."

"Hell yeah it is."

"We should get some breakfast and then see if you two feel up to some more fucking."

"We'll be up. Just need some brain food."

Kirby moans as she feels Helms cum in her and pull out, "oh, mon mari."

"Dripping, hon?" He smirks.

"I can feel it dripping down my legs, my hero."

"Beautiful. Isn't she, Shannon?"

"Stunning."

"You know what, I am gonna put off getting dressed until I need to."

"Don't mind that at all." Shannon licks his lips a little.

"I am gonna do my morning routine and then… pancakes for breakfast."

"Oh Kirby, you saint." Helms grins.

"What can I say, I know what you like, my hero and I happen to like pancakes too."

"Lilith's gonna come out addicted to pancakes."

"Lilith is probably gonna be addicted to pancakes, like her daddy."

"And you bet your ass I'm gonna be feeding them to her every chance I get." Helms grins.

"Ya gotta wait until she's able to eat solid food first, mon mari." Kirby murmurs as she kisses him gently and heads to the en suite bathroom.

"Pancakes are barely solid, but I get where you're coming from."

"I'm not putting pancakes in a blender just so you can get our daughter addicted to them."

"I mean they're really soft. In small bites you don't even need teeth."

Kirby mumbles out a muffled 'Gregory Shane Helms, listen to me' as she brushes her teeth.

"I won't get her addicted to pancakes before her teeth come in." He acquiesces dramatically.

She messes with his hair, mumbling out a muffled, 'thank you baby daddy'.

"My pleasure, hon."

"God I fucking hate mint." She whispers after finishing her morning routine, looking like her usual gothic princess self.

"Then why use mint toothpaste?" Shannon asks, still draped over the bed with his hair falling over the edge.

"Because I have always used mint toothpaste and it's always the one with the most 'health benefits' or so the adverts would have you believe."

"But you hate it. And all toothpaste is made with the same ingredients. Mint may be the only adult flavour, so use kids toothpaste." He shrugs.

"I honestly had never thought about that option."

"I may not be brilliant, but I'm great at filtering common sense."

"Shannon, do you think I look too gothic?"

"If anything, not enough."

"More black, or maybe red or burnt orange?"

"Ooh, could be either."

"Perhaps, smoky eye, blend from burnt orange to a deep red, with some black eyeliner and ombre lips?"

"That'd be so hot."

"Ooh, maybe… right, where did I put those blood drop earrings, and the matching necklace?" She murmurs, looking through her jewellery boxes.

"Blood drop earrings? Could I borrow those sometime?"

"Yeah, if you want I'll buy you a pair… ooh, Shane, we should take Shannon shopping for gothic stuff… oh, before I forget, if you want me to, at any time, I will gladly do your makeup."

"You mean that?"

"Yeah, I do Shane's makeup when he wants, and I could always use the opportunity to chat with you and get closer… ooh, I found the blood drop stuff, what do you think of this, ma colombe?"

[angellesword]

SAVE ME | KTH (09)

Summary: You were determined to kill yourself, but what would happen when instead of ending your life, you ended up summoning the devil of death?

Alternatively:

The Devil: I’m here to ruin you, I’m here to save you.

Genre: Demon au, e2l, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Devil!Taehyung x Doctor!Reader

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: bullying (verbal and physical) blood, mention of demons’ power, death (heart attack)

SERIES: CHAPTER 8 | CHAPTER 10

*unedited*

*** i bet you’re not expecting this update!! ahhh i just want to finish this fic before my birthday!!! wish me luck bc i have less than a month to do so!

Your father was the person who taught you the meaning behind some Korean names.

It was some sort of bonding you two did when you were still a kid. The most memorable part was when your mother told you that she was pregnant, thus giving you the opportunity to choose a name for your baby brother.

Of course your father helped you decide. He told you different names and its meanings.

Jeongguk. This was what stuck to you the most. It meant center of the country. The moment you had heard about this, you instantly knew it was the perfect name for the unborn brother.

Jeongguk was meant to shine, to be the center, not just of the country, but of the whole world.

But you failed him.

You failed when there was a very short period of time where you were supposed to be making him the center of your attention.

And so now you reap the harvest of your failure.

Jeongguk was now the center of your life, the main reason why you were stressed out.

"Thanks for letting me know.” You clutched the phone near your ear tighter. "I'll be there soon." It took a lot of energy to say this, but you had to.

It had been months since Jeongguk started living in your apartment. You took him in despite his antipathy. Like hell you'd allow him to go back to his old house.

A house full of liars and users.

Jeongguk wasn't lying when he said your father died of heart attack. Your brother only told you about this weeks after the burial.

Everything had been taken care of. Your aunties, the siblings of your father, paid for all the expenses, but they were demanding to be reimbursed now.

Jeongguk also said that your aunties sold your father's house so now he had no choice but to live with them, but to do so, he first needed to pay for the amount of money they spent for your father’s burial.

Nothing was free. This was what they claimed. The money Jeongguk owed them had interest as well. Aside from this, your aunties also told Jeongguk that he had to pay for his share in rent and utilities monthly. If he couldn't do this, then he wouldn't be allowed to live with them.

Jeongguk begged your aunties to give him some time. It was obvious that he didn't have money, mainly because the siblings of your father took all of his assets.

Your brother felt helpless. He considered living on the streets, but then your aunties told him to go to you. You inherited a lot of money and rumor had it that you leeched off of your rich boyfriends for their wealth.

Jeongguk had been through a lot that was why you couldn't really blame him when did bad things—his way to destress.

"What did he do this time?" But Taehyung wasn't having any of it.

He already knew that Jeongguk got in trouble as soon as he spotted you looking for your car keys, face pale because of trepidation.

You were probably going to wherever the hell Jeongguk was. This had been your new routine ever since the younger boy moved in with you.

You had no idea how many times someone called you to inform that your brother was in trouble.

"The principal called. Jeongguk's in the disciplinary room.”

"Ah," the devil chuckled, bringing the magazine he was reading down on his lap. "Let me guess, catfight?"

"Don't call it that," you gritted your teeth. "This is serious, Tae. We need to go now.”

Although you couldn't say that Taehyung was entirely wrong. The principal explained that the reason why Jeongguk was brought to the disciplinary room was because he beat up his classmates.

You didn't have the chance to ask why since the only thing that was in your mind was your brother's safety.

You were certain you're going to lose your mind if you didn't seem him now.

Fortunately Taehyung realized that you weren't playing around so he did everything in his power to help you.

You couldn't deny that his presence was needed. You had seen his efforts to help you 'raise' Jeongguk.

He didn't look like the devil you knew. It was as though he turned into a person, someone who was simply looking after you because he cared.

Taehyung was no longer punishing you for trying to kill yourself back then, but maybe his reason was because you didn't really have the time to think about suicide now.

As stated, all you wanted to do was help your brother. You were trying to show him how sorry you were because he had to experience horrible things because of you.

It wasn't easy though. You felt like Jeongguk was going out of his way just to spite you. This was evident when you heard his response as to why he beat up two of his classmates.

"They're making fun of my satoori accent.”

You facepalmed. You couldn't believe he was capable of hurting people because of something like this. Jeongguk grew up in Busan and it had only been months since he transferred here in Seoul to study and live with you.

It was natural to still speak with satoori accent. Jeongguk should have just let it go and no—you were not siding with his enemy. They bullied your brother, but then Jeongguk's action was worse.

The two boys he beat up weren’t doing well. The blood on their faces said so. Your stomach was actually turning upside down just by looking at them.

You felt so bad.

But feeling bad wasn't enough.

You knew you had to face the consequence of Jeongguk's action.

No more running away.

"I'm sorry." Your lips trembled as you look at the parents of the victims.

Before they could speak, you already force Jeongguk to get on his knees.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jeongguk screamed at you, yet you ignored him.

You held Jeongguk down, still forcing him to bow down. You were doing the same thing. Your knees hurt, but it didn't matter.

"Apologize to them, Jeongguk." You whispered to your brother.

He was struggling to remove your hand that was placed on his shoulder, the same hand that was forcing him down.

"I didn't do anything wrong!" Jeongguk was glaring at you.

This whole situation was like a slap in your face. You were forcing Jeongguk to do the things you didn't do when you hurt people in the past.

You could see yourself in him, but he didn't get the protection you had before.

Your mother tolerated your misconduct; you weren’t planning on doing the same.

"Apologize or you won't be getting your share." You whispered with force again.

Jeongguk's gaze darkened.

"You wouldn't dare."

"You very well know that I have the means to cut you off, Kookie." Your menacing tone was enough to send shiver down his spine.

You always got what you wanted. Jeongguk knew he would lose if he defied you.

It was better to say sorry to these dipshits rather than lose his share. He couldn't let you take away everything from him again.

So with his jaw still tensed, Jeongguk slowly turned to the parents of his enemies.

"I'm sorry." His heart was clenching as he said this. It was so difficult. "It's my fault so I'm willing to face the consequence of my action."

To face the consequence of my action. This was something you didn't get to do, yet you knew how painful it was to be the bigger person.

If you wanted, you could simply pay these people to let Jeongguk off the hook, but as stated, you wouldn't do that.

Jeongguk had the chance to be the person you should have been.

This was the right thing to do. The mistake must end with you.

"Don't think for a second that we'll forgive just because you apologized." One of the victim's parents glared at you. "You're a piece of shit. You are raising a monster!"

That was the last straw for Jeongguk. He was about to attack the parent, luckily Taehyung was able to stop him.

Your heartbeat doubled. You knew Jeongguk's action would drive them even madder, and so you bowed even lower, almost kissing the floor.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry!" You cried.

Taehyung came to know that you were just distracting the parents, so he did what he thought you wanted.

He dragged Jeongguk out of the room before he hurt anyone else.

"My brother and I won't run away. Please. We're sorry!" You crawled until you were just inches away from the parents.

You clasped your hands together, looking up.

Never in your entire life did you imagine doing this, but this was the least thing you could do for Jeongguk.

And so somewhere between sobs and the principal asking you to stand up, you managed to bargain with them. You were going to accept what they wanted, provided that they wouldn't be pressing legal charges against your brother.

They only agreed with this term because you didn't budge when they claimed they wanted Jeongguk to be expelled from this school. This was his punishment. Moreover, you had to pay for the medical expenses of the kids.

That was the end of discussion. You immediately ran out of the room to meet your brother and Taehyung, unfortunately you couldn't contact the both of them.

You didn't know, but Taehyung used his power to teleport him and Jeongguk to your apartment.

Taehyung didn't have much of a choice since the younger man kept on struggling to get away.

At least the action shut up Jeongguk for a short while.

"W-Wait!" To say that he was surprised to witness (and experience) Taehyung's teleportation ability would be an understatement.

Jeongguk was actually flabbergasted.

"I—we..." The younger boy's jaw drop, he blinked rapidly as he examined the place.

He wasn't tripping. He was definitely inside your apartment.

"How did this happen? W-What are you?" Jeongguk was panicking.

He liked to act tough; however he was still a boy. He couldn't fight someone like Taehyung, especially now that he had seen what this devil was capable of doing.

"Ah, it's simple." Taehyung flashed his boxy smile, completely unaware of the fear he was causing Jeongguk to feel.

"I'm the devil. I can do all kind of things—" he showed off more by levitating.

Jeongguk felt like he was going to pass out.

What the fuck.

But Taehyung was not done yet.

Still floating, Taehyung moved closer to your brother. The latter couldn't step backward since his back was already resting against the wall. Besides, he was too stunned to even move.

"—including this," without a warning, Taehyung touched the corner of Jeongguk's lips.

The seventeen year-old boy could only watch as the devil's hand sparkled.

Jeongguk felt strange at first, but then he could feel his bruise and scratches healing.

The two boys who bullied him still managed to throw some punches. It hurt and as seen, it bruised.

"There." Taehyung broke into a much bigger grin. "You look brand new."

Jeongguk touched his face. It didn't hurt anymore.

"A simple thank you would do." The devil's lips protruded into a pout when Jeongguk simply stared at him, saying nothing.

Minutes passed. Taehyung was actually done preparing hot cocoa for him and Jeongguk, yet the latter was still frozen on his spot.

"Why?"

Taehyung was expecting your brother to express his gratitude now that he mentioned how he wanted Jeongguk to say thank you, but your brother was exactly like you—always saying the wrong things.

"What do you mean why?" Taehyung handed the younger boy the cup of cocoa.

Jeongguk took it because he was freezing. It was cold outside and he couldn't deny that he was still a bit shaken after witnessing some bizarre...things.

"You said..." Jeongguk gulped. "You're the devil, so why did you heal me? Why are you helping me?"

Taehyung's brow shot up. Huh. His similarity to you was uncanny.

"That's your concern?" The devil shook his head, there was a smile on his lips. He thought Jeongguk was going to ask why he was lying, or why devils exist—things normal people asked.

"No, it's not," Jeongguk sighed, finally moving around. He paced back and forth after placing the hot cocoa on the table.

He scratched the back of his head as he stared straight into Taehyung eyes.

"I have a lot of concerns, okay!? I don't know why my sister's suddenly acting like she cares, I don't why I feel indifferent when I should be mourning the death of my father! I don't know how you managed to teleport! I'm—"

"Hey..." Taehyung touched the either side of Jeongguk's shoulders, forcing the younger to look at him.

"It's okay. You're okay..."

The devil figured that your brother was having a panic attack. He was probably so overwhelmed with everything that was happening. It didn't help that Taehyung surprised him by revealing his true identity.

Taehyung was such an idiot.

"I'm just so confused." Jeongguk managed to whisper. Tears filled his eyes.

Taehyung helped your brother sit on the couch. He was telling Jeongguk to breathe.

It took a while, but the younger boy managed to steady his breathing. Taehyung gave him more time to calm down before speaking again.

Both of them were sitting on the couch. Jeongguk was staring into the space while the devil was looking directly at your brother.

"I guess I really caught you off guard, huh?" Taehyung chuckled softly. He was carefully observing Jeongguk's expression.

"Were you telling the truth?" Your brother turned to look at Taehyung, which the latter didn't expect. He nodded nonetheless.

Taehyung was selfish. He said things just because. He never cared about what others would feel, but he learned fast. He realized that he shouldn't have revealed his identity just like that.

But he couldn't lie now, could he?

"It's true. I'm a devil." He smiled sheepishly. "The devil of death."

Jeongguk sucked in a breath. He tried to remember if he smoke pot today, but he didn't.

There were only two probable reasons why this was happening.

First: he was going crazy.

Second: Taehyung was telling the truth.

"You can ask your sister about me if you want. She knows."

Jeongguk sucked in a breath once more.

"If you're telling the truth...then...why..." He didn't know if he could question the devil.

Jeongguk was scared of his answer.

"Why did I heal you when I'm supposed to destroy you?" And so Taehyung completed the younger boy's question.

Jeongguk bit the inside of his cheek, nodding.

"It's a long story so I'm just going to tell you one thing.”

For some reason your brother nodded. He was captivated by the devil too. The same feeling you experienced when you first met Taehyung.

"Everything changes, Jeongguk." The devil uttered seriously. "Be it because of a person, experience, or even thing."

Taehyung laughed when he pointed at himself.

"Just look at me. Who would have thought that the devil of death would end up healing a mere mortal like you?"

Temporary, permanently, good change, bad change.

At the end of the day, it was still a change. This change would still affect something that could last forever.

"So yeah," Taehyung clasped his hand together. "I know it's ironic for me to say this, but there's goodness in every person. The one who hurt you before is probably out there, doing everything they can to help you."

Jeongguk knew exactly what Taehyung was talking about. He wasn't really being subtle about it. He used they, yet he was referring to you.

"I'll take that in mind," this was all your brother could say before retreating to his temporary bedroom.

Moments later, you arrived.

"Whoa.” The devil grimaced upon seeing your face.

You looked awful. Your hair was a mess and your eyes were bloody red. You were also shaking. It was cold outside.

"I-Is Jeongguk here? Is he safe? Did you treat his wounds? Do we need to bring him to the hospital—"

"Calm down, Barbie." Taehyung laughed, taking your cold hands to warm them up.

"Your brother is fine," he brought your hands closer to his lips, blowing hot air on them. "I may or may have knocked some senses into him."

You weren't sure about that. Jeongguk was a tough cookie. He had a rough childhood because of you.

"You didn't coerce him, did you?" You crinkled your eyes and Taehyung gasped dramatically.

"What do you take me for?" He tightened his hold on your hands. "I don't do what is not needed, you know?"

"Right." He was clearly talking about what he had to do back when you met Cha Eun Hye at the hospital.

"Jeongguk is sleeping now. I treated his wounds. Don't worry," he winked, though he didn't tell you that he used his power to heal your brother.

He didn't want you to freak out, especially because you seemed...tired.

"Thank you." You sincerely said.

You couldn't imagine this day without Taehyung by your side.

"No worries." The devil licked his bottom lip; his soft eyes made you feel like you were floating in the air.

You had never seen him this calm. The aura surrounding him felt refreshing.

He was still holding your hands.

"—you know I'll do anything for you," Tae continued and suddenly, you no longer felt like you were flying. Right now, you felt as if your heart was sinking deeper and deeper that you thought it was better to just let go and get lost in the abyss of his golden eyes.

You knew he was only saying this because your lives were connected, but the past months didn't feel like an act.

It felt real—like his intention wasn't a selfish act.

You realized that it didn't matter, not when you wanted to be selfish too. Today, you wanted to indulge on his warmth, to the comfort he gave.

And so you embraced him.

The devil didn't hesitate.

He hugged you back.

[raschuuuu]

WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK? // M.YG angst (Suga)

Summary: You finally had your debut with your girl group with Big Hit entertainment. That was your absolute biggest dream but what happens when you have to decide now? Do you want to live your idol life and let the love of your life go for it? Or do you decide for the life of your life?

Word count: 5k

Genre: angst

warnings: established relationship / swearing / soft yoongi / mentioning of breakups / mentioning of suicide/death

Pairing: Yoongi!idol x female idol!reader

A/N: Hello guuuuys! Today I hope very much that you will like this one here! I didn't get any requests so I want to say it again one more time: FEEL FREE TO SEND ME YOUR REQUESTS!!! 😟🥺It’s my second fanfic on this blog I worked very hard on it so I really really hope you guys will enjoy it. If you guys think I could do anything better or you have another preferences please let me know. I’d be very happy if you guys leave a like so I know you read it and liked it. Another note: English is not my first language I’m very sorry if you guys find any mistakes.. 💔

_____________________________________________________________________________

5th December 2020

What could be better than having a debut just before the year ends? My group and I were supposed to have our debut much earlier but that was  postponed due to the COVID pandemic so it was complicated to have a debut this year but nevertheless our company managed to give us a debut before the year ends and I really have to say it's the best thing that could ever happen to me!

My dream has finally come true. How long was I a trainee? Exactly. Six years. Six freaking years I was hidden behind the scenes of my big and famous company. It feels really shitty to be in the shadow of two famous groups in South Korea. Don't get me wrong I'm a really big fan of BTS and TXT but we got tired of being told that we're going to make our debut but at the end we didn’t. I know the guys from BTS and TXT  personally and we all get along super well even the other members of my group. But to be honest BTS and TXT couldn't wait for our debut to happen and finally it's here (y/g/n) finally gets the recognition.

31st December 2020

Of course our lives have changed dramatically since we made our debut. Of course it's much harder to go out alone now than before. Before I was a nobody. No one knew me but now I don't even dare to go alone to the convenient store that is just around the corner of our dorm. You might think I'm exaggerating a bit but no, unfortunately it's the truth. Nevertheless, I don't want to spoil my idol life. After our debut we had a lot of promotions and interviews. But even before that we didn't have much time because we had to shoot our music video and photo shoots and we were all sent to the hairdresser because our old look was officially bye bye. I’m happy with my new look I think I look so beautiful I can't believe what a haircut and a nice makeup can do to a person.

Today is the 31st of December. New Year's Eve! New year takes place in less than 24 hours! Where am I? I'm at this year's MBC Gayo DaeJeon. My first new year's eve without my family and officially my first new year's eve as an idol. I'm so excited I can't believe it I'm going to be on stage with my girls and I'm meeting other idols how exciting is that. I'm sitting in the makeup room getting my makeup done by our makeup artist and on the side our hairstylist is making me a high ponytail. I hope I'll look good. Dabi, the oldest of our group and therefore our Unni, has just finished and looks adorable. Miso sits to my left and is also getting her make-up and hair done. Hyemi is getting ready after me because she doesn't take up much time. She has the shortest hair of all of us. I’m sitting with my mobile phone in my hand and texting with my mother. Sometimes I wish I could be with her and with my father and my siblings. I miss them all like hell. I haven't seen them since before our debut. I can't wait to hold them all in my arms next time.

(eomma):

y/n we miss you! New year's eve isn't the same without you but hopefully you'll have fun on stage today. We'll all be watching you! Your dad and I your grandparents and your siblings so don't worry we're always with you! Good luck my child fighting! 🎉🎆

I notice how i get tears in my eyes but no I mustn't cry my makeup gets ruined. Just as I want to answer my mother i get a new text on my phone.

(yoongi):

I'm excited to see you tonight! You'll be great I believe in you.

By the way... I guess I didn't tell you that I'm dating Min Yoongi. That's right, Min Yoongi.

flashback

2014

"Y/n! We're about to meet BTS!" says Hyemi as I just walked into the dance practice room. What BTS? The group that made their debut last year? "Really why?" I ask looking at her confused. Apparently all new trainee male or female, are introduced to BTS because they want to give us some nice words and encouragement on our way as trainees. Just as I was about to sit down, the seven men came in the door. One after the other, they passed us by. Wow, these guys can count themselves lucky that their time is up. But one boy in particular stands out to me. He has red hair. Not too light and not too dark, a red that almost goes brown. He is beautiful.

I haven't really informed myself about who BTS is, of course I still have difficulties to remember their names, I just became a trainee before I didn't care who was a trainee here... but this man is beautiful!

Oh crap he looks at me. Why is he looking at me. Someone tell him to look the other way please I’m so awkward I don't know how to act when someone looks at me I better look the other way. The leader said some nice words to us they all wished us luck and said that they can't wait for us to make our debut and that when the day comes they're all gonna be happy and supportive! Really nice of them I never thought that they would do something like that. We all got up and bowed and said thank you, while BTS was about to walk out I saw the red haired boy looking at me one last time before he went out. Crazy man do I have something on my face stop staring!

2015

I started to get to know them better each and every one of them. I get along best with Hoseok and Taehyung. Every now and then we run into each other in the building and talk for a few minutes. We trainees also got to meet all the guys in person, they are all so nice and down to earth I don't regret it one bit that I joined this company! Jungkook is about my age and every now and then we have a few laughs together. Once you are in the company you are like one big family whether it is with the trainees or the staff. However I have not been able to get close to one person and that is Min Yoongi. I don't know what it is but every time he and I are in a room with other people it just gets awkward. I don't know what it is but every time he is near me I feel intimidated and just want to get out of there. We've never spoken a word to be honest maybe it's because he feels awkward around me too? I can't understand why he feels this way I always try to get along with everyone even if i don't want to and make everyone feel comfortable around me because I want it to be mutual. So what's his problem?

2016

I have heard from his members that he has a crush on me and gets shy around me which I totally don't understand because how can anyone be into me? Especially back then! I don't want to go into too much detail but I can tell you that after a while and with the help of Hoseok and Taehyung he and I started texting at some point. We had been friends for a long time but only online. We were both too nervous to meet in person and to be honest that had been impossible because he was busy as fuck and no one was supposed to find out that we were texting. BTS recognition grew more and more each year and he became busier and busier each day. I was of course very happy for everyone and one rainy day in the evening Yoongi appeared out of nowhere on my doorstep and confessed his love to me. I am still overwhelmed by it and it all feels so unreal and like it just happened yesterday, but I went for it and agreed to be his girlfriend.

back to December 31st 2020

For four years we have been hiding our relationship. Nobody knows about it the whole Big Hit staff doesn't know about it and neither do our managers the only ones who know about it are his members and recently my members. I didn't want to tell them until we made our debut together because I was too scared of being told off during my trainee time. But I have to say that the girls stand behind me and accept our relationship and they all swore they would take it to the grave with them.

I quickly turn down the brightness of my screen because there's too much danger of my hairstylist and makeup artist reading the text. I close my phone and put it on my lap. How much I want to answer him but I don't dare I can't answer him when there are too many people around me. After a while we were called and it was finally our turn I'm so nervous but we managed it all with flying colors and we were the topic of the evening.

In a few minutes it's already new year I'm ready and let 2021 come to me. At midnight Yoongi calls me and I answer the phone with joy.

"Happy new year y/n! I love you and I hope we will spend more time together this year even though it will be harder now." I smile to myself and say "Happy new year Yoongi... how is your shoulder? Are you resting enough? Are you eating enough? Are you sleeping enough? Are you in pain? If you are in pain then take a painkiller and go back to the doctor!" I can't see it but I can tell he is grinning and shaking his head. I don't let him get a word in edgewise.

"Don't worry I’m fine I just miss you you're the only painkiller I can take" - "Hahaha yah! You're so corny! I miss you too sweetheart I wish we had spent this new year together... I’m sorry it turned out like this!" I feel really bad because I know he won't be able to spend new year with his boys or me... To be honest we have never had a new year together except on the phone but this time it could have worked out! He is at home with his injury and if we wouldn't have had our debut then we would have had a first new year together after four years of relationship!

January 10th 2021

At the beginning of the new year our manager gave us our schedule plan at it looked hella busy! This whole January we would be completely busy we don't even have one weekend off! I can’t believe it how will I able to see my family or even Yoongi? I saw him at the first weekend of January we spent it together at his family’s house in Daegu behause to be honest that is actually the only place that we can go to a little far away from Seoul without having to worry that any of the staff could know or see us. My family also knows and loves him to death but with my family living in Seoul it’s complicated to take him there. Our manager left the room and I looked at Dabi with the ‘You and I bathroom NOW!’ look she understood and got up from her place and she followed me to the bathroom. We checked if any other person was inside when there wasn’t I said “What the fuck I’m I gonna do now Unni? How am I able to see Yoongi? How will I be able to even go out. I won’t even have time to take the fucking trash out from our dorm when it’s my turn to clean!” I yell. She stands there giving me a confused look. “What do you expect y/n? You chose to have this idol life you know its busy and complicated to have a boyfriend especially as a fresh debuted idol! Why do you think they won't let us have a relationship? I wish I could help you but I can’t. We’re gonna be busy as fuck!” she yelled back. “Psh shut your volume down unni!” she opened the door to see if there was anyone outside but there wasn’t.

I feel bad I really do. I don't want my members to be in trouble because of me that's the last thing I want. I hug her and apologize to her. I have to think of something I don't know what to do. I don't want us to be away from each other for too long what happens when he stops loving me all of a sudden? What do I do when he goes back to work then it will all be worse! Before I became an idol we could always see each other at the end of the day but now it will be impossible. I have to talk to him about it because one thing we promised each other is that we talk about everything because that's the only way a healthy relationship can work and such a complicated relationship we both have. I take out my phone and write him a message.

(me):

Yoongi. Tonight FaceTime date you and me?

In less than two minutes I already get my answer.

(yoongi):

of course!

evening

I turn on my MacBook and call him on FaceTime. After three rings he answers the phone and turns it off too so he doesn't have to hold it in his hand. He still has his bandage on and his hair is wet he must have been in the shower. He wears cute pyjamas and fight me or not but black haired Yoongi is the most beautiful Yoongi. I always fall in love again when I see him. Hard to believe we were so awkward with each other back then but this year is already approaching 5 years together. I could never imagine my life without him. 

"Hey my darling" he says happily and smiles at me. I smile back and ask him how he is. He tells me that he is getting better every day and that during his time off he has found a lot of time for himself and his music and how much he misses the others. And me too, of course. "What's wrong with you?" he asks me when he notices that my mind is somewhere else. I think he took the Facetime date too seriously. He be sitting there with his cup of ramen. I just laugh. "Yoongi... I'm going to be busy all of January and manager oppa said that February might not be any better," I say and wait for his answer. He swallows his noodles and drinks a glass of water. "Does that mean we won't see each other this month?" he asks. I think he's a little disappointed I know him and I know his tones and his looks and I can hear my heart breaking by now. And how much I'd like to see you Yoongi. Every second every day. "No," I say, and then an uncomfortable silence descends. 

“You know what baby it’s fine don't worry. I mean I wasn’t any better back then do you remember when I always used to be so busy? I never had time for you and I felt so bad. But you were there for me and you stayed by my side and you were and still are the most supportive girlfriend I could ever ask for. I think it would be unfair to be mad at you. I’m happy for you forever and always” well that was unexpected. I start getting tears in my eyes. I didn't think of this reaction not at all! I smile at him and say “Thank you baby... I will appreciate it I really do. But still I feel bad because especially in this period where you're sick I wish I could be there for you and take care of you. This debut was so unexpected I’m really sorry” - “Yah don't be sorry y/n. You worked your goddamn fine ass off to be where you're at right now be proud of you this is just the beginning. And it’s not like that we won't see each other ever again right?” he says. He’s right. He’s totally right. It’s not like we won't see each other ever again.

January 17th 2020

Well... seven days passed and we still haven't seen each other and we haven't talked since one week. We text every now and then cause I really only get to use my phone when it's night and we go back home but every night I'm so damn exhausted and tired that I forget to answer to his texts. I don't even have time to text my parents back or my siblings. I feel so bad I'm such a bad person. I miss them all so much. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and my brother. I miss my grandparents. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend so damn much. I really didn't think this life is gonna be so hard for me. I feel like I've been put in the middle of a scale with my career on one side and my relationship on the other side and I have to choose one side or the other. I've never thought about breaking up with Yoongi ever in my life. Never. I just can't. I need this man too much. Even though we never have the most beautiful and perfect relationship and see each other very rarely, it's just the thought that I know there's someone in my life who loves me and accepts me for who I am that counts. He took me with my imperfections he put his career what he loves most in his life in risk to be with me and now that we are both in this situation I don't know what to do I feel bad and selfish for even thinking about it I don't want to make him feel like my career is more important than him or our relationship he doesn't deserve that he deserves the world and he deserves to be happy. But I love my career I love my job I love my members I love our staff I love our fans. Our biggest fear was not being accepted by the society outside especially now in this period when BTS is one of the biggest groups in the whole world and have a very big influence in the KPOP industry. We were afraid that society would think that since we are the first girl group to make a Big Hit debut in a very long time that people would think that we would mess with the boys heads or that there would be any rumors started between us and the other groups. But on the contrary people have been happy for us and love our music and us individually. I feel like Hannah Montana I feel like I am living a double life.

20th January 2021

"I know you are overwhelmed with the situation my child, I can imagine that it is very hard for you but you have to know what is best for you. You can't tell anyone from your company, you are a rookie, if they find out you had a boyfriend during your trainee time then it is even worse. I wish I was with you and could help you or just be there for you. I love Yoongi very much but I love you even more and I am happy with any decision you make. Just make the right one" my mother says on the phone. Tears have been flowing since she got on the phone but I don't want to tell her and I try not to sob but I know she can tell by my tone that I am crying. She is right. I have to make a decision. Yoongi is getting better day by day and soon he will be busy too he will go back to his daily routine and the other members. He will have comebacks he will have dance practices he will have to go to the recording studio he will have photo shoots he will do interviews and when the corona situation allows he will have to go to other countries and I have to do the same.

I love him to death and I will never love anyone as much as I love him but I am just not happy like this and you can tell me what you want he is not either but he doesn't let it show. Yesterday on the phone there was such an awkward tension between us it felt like I was making small talk with a stranger. Even though I might be the bad guy but one of us has to make the first move. I have wished and hoped that this day will never come but I have to do it.

23 January 2021

Yoongi told me that he is back in his flat in Seoul with his mother. Unfortunately he still can't travel alone so his dear mum went with him. I missed her too, she's the nicest and sweetest woman ever. When I imagine that I won't see her again either, tears well up in my eyes. But today I have to do it. Who would have thought that our reunion would be like this? Who would have thought that I would break up with him. He won't expect it but I have to do it. I’m cold and sick and I just want to go to bed and get the day over with. It's 11pm at night and we've come home after a long hard day. I look out the window and wait until our manager is out of sight.

My members know about my plans and of course have asked me a million times if I am sure and if there is no other way out. I am very happy that they are worried about me but I also feel bad towards them. I have been hiding it from them all our trainee years and when I told them they were all so good about it and even want me not to do it. But no I will do it I am young and want to concentrate on my career and what is coming up for us.

I told Yoongi that I would come, of course he doesn't want to because it's way too late but I said it was important and that we had to talk about something. When I said we had to talk about something he was quiet and then just said he would wait for me. I put on a hat and a thick jacket and the hood of the jacket and a mask and a scarf and go out into the high snow that has covered Seoul. His flat is not far from mine but still I have to take a taxi. I ask the driver to wait for me because I don't want to stay there long I want to get it over with quickly and go.

(me):

can you come down?

(yoongi):

why don't you come up?

(me):

I think its better when you come down Yoongi I don't want your mom to be worried or hears any of that were gonna talk.

He doesn't text back instead I just see the lights turning on from his window. A few minutes later he comes down. Oh my fucking lord he is so handsome. I want to run up to him and kiss him from head to toe. I want to be in his arms. I want us to go upstairs together and fall asleep together. I want to build a snowman with him. I want to be with him forever I love him he is the love of my life.

He comes up to me and smiles at me. He stands in front of me and we both don't say a word. His smile turns into a confused look he notices something is wrong. "Don't I get a kiss or a hug?" he asks me. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I would love to rip your clothes off Min Yoongi.

"I want to break up." Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. "Yoongi say something?" I ask him. He says nothing. He looks at me with a blank look he is sad he is disappointed he is devastated just like me. "Yoongi please?". He does not speak.

"Yoongi, I'm sorry. I-i-I really love you I love you more than anything but I know that I can't give 100% in our relationship now. I just want us to be happy but I see that we are not. It could have been great during your time off but I can't be there for you... sooner or later it should have happened. I want to be with you but I can't anymore it was okay then but it's not okay now we're both famous you're in the biggest boy group in the world if anyone finds out we're together we'll be screwed. Especially me Yoongi. Female idols have it harder than male idols you know that. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I think this will be the best thing for us I-" he interrupts me.

"How dare you to tell me what's best for me? Do you have any idea what you're talking about y/n? Stop trying to tell me what's best for me when you know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life god damn. I was going through a difficult time in my life and you were the only one who was there for me! And now you're telling me let’s break up because you're afraid people are gonna find out? And that they are gonna blame you? The fuck? Theres always two fucking persons in a relationship y/n! I also wanted that. I wanted you. Don’t you love me anymore? Why don’t you love me anymore? We hid our relationship for four fucking years why can't we hide it now?" he said yelling at me.

 I am shocked and sad I want to die. I don't want to live in this life without Min Yoongi. But I know it's best for us I do it for him and his career too.

"Yes I don't love you anymore" were my last words before I left.

________________________________________________________________________________

A/N: damn y/n!!! did you just break up with the mf min yoongi? you better save your relationship! guys if you want a part two (with maybe a happy ending?) let me know! love you bye 🎀

[god-save-the-keen]

Luke Danes, the most perfect man, propmt list!

1. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm great. It's big, fat, happy sunshine day for me."

2. "Name, are you a gigolo?"

3. "Ever worry that if a bird flies into your head it might never get out?"

4. "My life meant nothing until you used my toothbrush."

5. "Will you just stand still?" *Kiss her/him*

6. "Name, this thing we're doing here, me, you, I'm in. I am all in."

7. "And it's so good to have someone to share this hate with."

8. "Are trying to kill me?" *Losing his/her patience.*

9. "I just like to see you happy."

10. "When you make plans, then you have expectations, and when you have expectations, they… you will get disappointed."

11. "You know my father always told me that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger." "You're gonna be really strong."

12. "Have you seen Name1 or Name2?" "No, but have you tried the insane asylum, where everyone in this room is supposed to be."

13. "On the verge of blubbering here." "Not doing too well myself." "Not you, too." "I'm blubbering. You're freaks!"

14. "Name, what is it exactly that you want me to do? I'm not mad, I'm not holding a grudge, I heard your apology, I feel I'm being polite, I listened to your donut bit, I got you your coffee. What would make you happy?"

15. "Go to hell!" "Right back at ya!"

16. "You ate that?" "No, I didn't eat it!" "Oh, of course." "I'm upset not suicidal!"

17. "He's systematically buying up the town. He's gonna turn it into Nameville, where everyone will have to wear cardigans and have the same grass height!"

18. *About a messy room* "I'm having nightmares where I'm being chased by boxes with arms and they tackle me and throw clothes on top of me and secure it with masking tape and while I'm lying there, you're standing in the corner laughing putting gel in your hair!"

19. "You know what?" "What?" "This is nice."

20. "We should have eaten before we came." "Shh! And, yeah."

21. "Name1, this is Name2. She/He owns the Independence Inn." "Oh." "That's "hello, nice to meet you" in slacker."

22. "So are you going to act?" "Yes, I am. I'm going to act like you never came in here."

23. "That's it, gets upstairs and change." "Whatever you say, Uncle/Aunt Name." "It's Name. Just Name. Mister Name. In fact, don't address me at all!"

24. "You're really just gonna stand there and watch me eat a Danish?" "Cable's out. I'm starved for entertainment."

25. "Me? Raising a kid? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow, they've always got jam on their hands! I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands!"

26. "That's what you want?" "Yes." "That's really what you want?" "Yes!" "You got it." "Thank you!" "You're welcome!" *As they cross over a bridge, Person1 pushes Person 2 into the water.*

27. "Can I ask you stupid questions?" "There's no such thing." *Frustrated* "How does the ink come out of pens?!" "Okay, there is such a thing."

28. "I think you can hack anything."

29. "I guess if you can find that one person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap and doesn't want to change you or dress you, or you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right...but that's only if you find that person."

30. "Crazy people. The whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping-pong tables and hand puppets."

31. "Doesn't matter what time it is. I'll always be around."

32. "I warned him/her. I warned him/her when I first met him/her, if he hurt her/him...Ah. Maybe I could key his/her car." "Better yet. Key Name1's car and tell him/her Name2 did it."

33. "Get away from me you mental patient!"

34. "Is this bothering you?" "This conversation? Yes."

35. "I hate that he/she's pleased."

36. "Hamsters can't laugh." "Oh, this one laughed - trust me."

37. "Your mother called me an idiot."

38. "C'mon, you gotta think positive here. Bright side, good thoughts. Rainbows, unicorns. *slowing down* Clowns. *Pause* Little ... cute ... *Longer pause*... furry ... *Giving up* Okay, I'm out."

39. "I can't imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment."

40. "That's the wrong table." "Since when is there a right table?" "Since the coffee cake I baked for you and the stupid balloons I blew up for you are at that table over there."

41. "Will you marry me?" "What?!" "Just...looking for something to shut you up."

42. "This is not an herbal tea morning. This is a coffee morning." "Every morning for you is a coffee morning."

43. "It's like my life isn't even real to me, unless you're there, and you're in it, and I'm sharing it with you."

44. "I never thought in my wildest dreams that it would happen, that you and me would happen. But we did it."

45. "Don’t add stuff from your to do list to my to do list."

46. "You wanted something festive." "You made me a Santa burger." "It's not a big deal."

47. "The only way out of this life is in a body bag."

48. "Listen, I know I'm not the easiest guy/girl in the world to build a life with and to share a house with, but there is no one who will be more here for you than me. I will never leave. I will never think about leaving."

49. "You won't have to hear my opinion on anything ever again, okay?" "Oh, don't tease."

50. "The things you find amusing astound me sometimes."

51. "Wow, I feel important." "You are important."

52. "Last time you gathered up some of my stuff, you accidentally brought me four bras/brief and no pants." "That could've been intentional."

53. "God, that's terrible! It's like drinking 'My little pony'!"

54. "We kissed." "I remember." "It was a great kiss." "Yeah." "So you concur?" "Dear god, yes."

55. "All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner--" "--to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood!"

56. "An ice rink? How did this happen?" "Jack Frost brought it." "Did he look like Name Lastname?" "A little. Not as handsome/gorgeous."

57. "Your slave is here." "And where's the french maid outfit?" "I've got it under the plaid."

58. "You kept this in your wallet." "Eight years."

59. *Awkwardly grabbing the another person's head* "I'm not good at hugging."

60. "I'm prepared to jump up and down if necessary."

61. "I can be a movie guy/girl. You like movies."

62. "You're watching me watch the movie. It's creepy."

63. "I shouldn't have gotten into a business that involves dealing with people."

64. "It just my favorite time of the year. The whole world changes color." "I think I'm blacking out."

65. "Keeping tabs on me?" "Always safer to know which direction the tornado's coming from "

66. "Fresh coffee will be ready in a minute unless you want to just roll up a dollar bill and go nuts."

67. "What the hell was that?"

68. "The only bright side of my day is being asked to be a prostitute." "That's something to cling to."

69. "What? Relationships? Look who you're asking."

70. "You enjoy typing to people more than talking to them?"

Use it, shared them, ask for a request, have fun! ❣️

[yetanotherreader]

Useful—6(2)

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Y/N Y/L/N

Genre: College AU

Summary: The school's most popular boy wants to be friends with Y/N, out of the blue. It definitely doesn't have anything to do with her hot best friend, though.

Word Count (For the chapter—both parts): 6,367

Warnings (For the chapter): Fluff, Mentions of Depression, suicide attempts, murder, angst, panic attack, fluff, more fluff?

Two parts in what? 5 minutes? Lol. I hate Tumblr sometimes, and so much.

Useful Masterlist        

Chapter 6(2)

Chapter 6(1)

You felt tears in your eyes, tears that you didn't let out of them, "I just..I-" he squeezed your hands urging you to continue, "I feel guilty. Just not good enough for you. Feels like you deserve a better friend."

Dean's little action continued on the back of your hands as he sighed, "You know you've been a better friend to me in the last few months than most people have been my entire life, right?"

"Doesn't mean you don't deserve better."

"There's no better, sweetheart. You're the best. The best high school girlfriend I could have ever asked for," You let out a little laugh. Only Dean could do that, "Mom. She was amazing."

You knew where this was headed. Dean never talked about his mom, and today he was. You held your breath as he spoke that word. Dean was opening up to you, finally. You felt him stiffen, holding back, "Go on, Dean. I'm listening. I won't judge."

"I know you won't. Out of everyone, you won't," Dean's hold tightened on your palm, "I don't have a lot of memories with her, but the ones I have they're all good. She was the best mother." Dean talked about her in past tense, and your heartbeat rose at that. You thought he had a mother, everyone thought that, "When I was four, there was a house fire. Sam was very small, 6 months. Dad ran to save her, but she forced him to save us instead. And he did. I remember seeing my house burn, with Sammy crying in my arms, with mom.

You gasped, your heart aching in your chest for the scared little boy Dean was hiding inside himself, "In the matter of seconds, dad came and picked us up, running in the opposite direction of the house. I kept yelling at him that he needed to go save mom, but all my cries..they were subsided by the explosion that happened in front. Mom was gone...forever. Only because dad had to save me."

You let out a shaky breath. He couldn't have been blaming himself for it the entire time, right? "Dean, it wasn't your fault." You positioned your head, now, your chin on his shoulder as you looked up in his teary eyes. Your faces inches away from each other. You cupped his face with your free hand and wiped the lone tear that escaped his eyes. What all had he been keeping inside for so long?

"It feels like it is," He shut his eyes, letting his tears out, "everything feels like my fault."

Your heart literally hurt in your chest. He didn't deserve that, he never deserved that, "But it's not. He is your dad, obviously he'd save you, Dean. You-you can't be blaming yourself, De."

"I saw someone that day. In the cupboard," you frowned at the new information as Dean rested his forehead on yours, "But I thought it was my imagination. A man. He had yellow eyes. Golden ones.

"I never told that to Dad. I don't know why, I just never did. But that image wasn't something I could have forgotten. But I thought it was a dream. After mom died, Dad worked overtime. He was a cop. I had to take care of Sam."

"Ever since you were four?" You let out before you could stop. That wasn't something a kid should be responsible for. He shifted so that you both were in your earlier positions.

"Yeah. That day, when I was 10, after putting Sam to sleep, I thought I would go play outside. That's when I heard it. Dad was talking to someone on the phone. Mom didn't die in the accident. She was murdered. I got to know that mom was an agent. Undercover. I didn't know what that meant but I understood she was the police. I didn't know how to process this new information and that's when I got my first panic attack.

You shut your eyes, tears falling on your cheeks, "I went into the bathroom. It was hard to breathe and I was feeling hot. I wanted to cry but nothing came out of my eyes," you brought your free hand to his muscled arm and gave it a squeeze, having a hard time keeping yourself from breaking apart, "I turned on the shower and stood there till I was better. I never spoke about it ever again, until now. I trust you, Y/N. Please don't ever break it."

His voice sounded hoarse from keeping himself from crying, "I won't. You matter a lot to me, Dean. The most."

He sighed, as if getting some reassurance, "Depression knocked after that. There were times I almost k- killed myself," You hid your face in his neck, wanting to get closer to him, to see he was there, breathing. He took a pause, nuzzling into your hair, feeling some life himself, "But the thought of Sammy, it stopped me. Each and every time. Sometimes he called my name just before I was about to do it, or sometimes I'd just remember his smile and how it'd fade forever if I pressed the trigger. That was one time I got dad's gun. I didn't even know how to use it. Sammy was my savior, he was my light at the end of the tunnel. He was the one who first noticed my self destructive behaviour. I was 16 and he was 12. He was a nerd, obviously he noticed," Dean chuckled to himself, "And when he found out that I had depression, he was hell bent on helping me. Even after I pushed him away, he didn't budge. By that time Dad started staying in different cities, so Sam and I were pretty much all. Bobby visited us every few days, dad's best friend. That's who Sam told. I was very mad, telling him that he's not supposed to tell just anyone about it. That's when Uncle Bobby smacked me in the head saying, and I'll quote in his accent, 'Family don't end in blood, boy.'" Dean chuckled at his own voice. A sight you wanted to capture forever. How could someone go through so much alone and still be as good as he was? How could someone be so strong?

"Then? Your uncle did something?" You asked softly.

"Yeah. Lots of love and care," He smiled nostalgic, "I felt like for the first time that I had people who care about me enough to bear with me."

"I'm glad you had them. Uncle Bobby and Sam, both of them sound like cool guys."

"Oh my god, yes" Dean laughed a hearty laugh, "They're the coolest guys. I want you to meet them someday! If, uh, if you're okay with it?"

You smiled, "Yeah, I want to meet them too." 

"Bobby owned a garage. He got busy with it, and Sammy started preparing for law school. And I thought I was doing better, much better. My panic attacks were less and I smiled more. But without them, it was lonely. I was scared that I'll go into that dark place again. That's when I met Cassie."

You clenched your jaw, "The Cassie?"

"Yeah," Dean gulped, "We dated in high school. The first girl I liked, I mean, really liked. I was 18 and it was my first serious relationship. I really thought we could make something."

"You….you were in love with her?" You breathed out the words, a sudden wave of hurt passing through you.

"I guess," he sighed, sounding hurt, "I had liked her for a long time and we hooked up. But I think we both wanted more than just a hookup with each other. She was attractive, you know. She was strong headed and confident, someone who knew what she wanted and she was gorgeous. And that was hot to me." Something you could never be, "And maybe I was hot to her too. We went out for a couple of months. Everything was good. I was at her place once, it was mom's death anniversary. The hardest time of the year. And after a long long time, I had a panic attack."

"She helped you, right?" You asked, knowing the answer to it very well.

"She said I was nuts," you clenched your jaw, feeling fury in your head. You never really cared about Cassie, until you got to know she blackmailed Dean to throw you in the pool and later bully you about it. But right now all you felt was her was pure hate. How could she? How could anyone be so insensitive to someone? And especially when that someone is her boyfriend?

"Bloody bitch,"

"Right?" Dean laughed a little, "It was a long time ago, though. I'm fine now."

"Don't act tough around me, Dean," He sighed, "Is that why you never told anyone about your condition?" He nodded timidly, "Oh, Dean."

This time you wrapped your hands complete around his torso, nuzzling into his shoulders. He deserved all the happiness in the world and what he got was all of this, "When that night you found me...you know, helped me. I thought it was going to be the same. We didn't share a very good rapport. I mean, after what I did with you the first day, it was understandable if you hated me. I thought you were going to laugh at me, or maybe tell everyone about how weak I was.

You felt a pang inside your chest at that accusation, you had never been mean to anyone so it felt bad that he assumed that about you. But you understood it, he had trust issues. The girl he trusted, even loved, did that to him so you were a girl who didn't get along with him, "But you were nothing but kind to me. You helped me. That hug was the realest hug I had gotten in a long time. You comforted me and you did all of that. And now that panic attack doesn't feel all that bad. It gave me my favorite person."

"You're my favorite person, too, Dean. I can't imagine a life without you in it, you know. And I promise you, from now on, you will never find yourself alone when you need someone," You pulled away from him and cupped his face, wiping the stray tears. In that moment, all you wanted to do was press your lips to his and pour all the love he was deprived of in that kiss, but you knew that wasn't something that could happen. So you did what you think was closest, repeat an action from the day. He looked at you with unshed tears in his eyes, and all you wanted to do was take his hurt away. You leaned in, slowly pressing your lips to the side of his mouth, tasting the saltiness of his tears. He let out a sigh, "I'm always going to be there, Dean, okay?"

He nodded against your lips and you swore your breath hitched in your throat when they slightly grazed his. You pulled away slowly, maintaining whatever little boundaries were left between you two. It was all friendly, "Thank you."

"Mm hmm," You stood up, walking towards the lake, "The swans are gone."

Dean followed you, "Seems like they are."

"And for the record, Cassie is a dumb bitch."

Dean let out a laugh, "Yeah, yeah she is,"  He stood next to you, seeing the reflection of the moon in the lake, "Why do you keep pushing me away?"

That was the last thing that you expected to come out of his mouth, "Wh-what do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Every time something happens, you go MIA on me or act like nothing happened. This happened yesterday, before that and today in the fair. What is it that's holding you back from opening up? Is it that you don't trust me?"

It wasn't an accusation, he looked genuinely confused. You didn't think he'd pick on these little things, "It's nothing like that. You're just overthinking thi-"

"It's okay if you don't wanna tell, Y/N. Just don't lie to me. I don't expect you to trust me but the least I can hope is that you don't lie to me and make me feel like a stranger."

"It's not that..I'm sorry," You said, feeling exposed under his stare, "I-I don't know how to talk about.. things. I never did. You mean a hell lot to me, Dean. It has nothing to do with you. It's me. I'm scared. I wish I were as strong as you because trust me, I do want to talk about my feelings. I just can't."

"It's okay, Y/N." Dean sighed and your ears perked up. Is he done with you? Is that all? Your eyes widened as your head turned in his direction. He looked back concerned and cupped your face, "Y/N, I meant it. It's okay. Tell me whenever you think you can tell me. I'm going to wait. I'm not going anywhere."

"Please don't give up on me just yet." Your eyes brimmed with unshed tears, as he looked back with nothing but understanding.

"I'm not. I'll always be here." He whispered, slowly pressing his lips to your forehead, "I promise."

And that's when you knew, it wasn't a silly crush. You were in love with your best friend.

You loved Dean Winchester.

—

A/N: So that's about it. I really hope you liked this one because well, I mean I wrote it I'd obviously want you to like this. Ugh, I'm so bad at this. So yeah, I hope you had a happy reading. Feedback is greatly appreciated, it keeps me going.

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