#can i call myself a beginner if I've been practicing for a year now?

[chocolattefeverdreams]

I changed up my altar :)

This was really because I fell out of the habit of saying my affirmations in front of my previous altar, so I thought change would be useful and might motivate me more. I don't really blame myself for falling out of the habit previously though. I used to sleep very late when it happened, and I would get up wayy early to say the affirmations.

It's still a self love altar, but I believe self love can take different forms and one form is working towards the goals I set.

What is on my altar:

A normal white candle. I have plenty of these in my house and decided to let it be simple.

A luck/prosperity spell bowl, which I made with salt and herbs in my kitchen. I also added a special coin.

The previous self-love sigil

The bracelet I had enchanted

A lucky coin which is like a mini luck spell, I carry it around.

Rainbow fluorite, which my sister gave to me, it increases focus

The shells from my previous altar because I love those shells

A self love bottle spell

For some reason I also feel more connected to my culture. Maybe it's because of the visuals. White is an important colour in Kerala and is the colour our traditional clothes are in. Kerala is always so full of greenery, hence the green herbs on the bowl. I also used the spices in my kitchen for this, which adds to the feeling.

[viviennelamb]

Starting the Purification Process

Purification starts with your thoughts and your body will fall in line. Once one allows thoughts of lust in their mind, they proliferate into every problem we see in the world today (as well as not wanting to definitively end these problems).

I can see how lust changes an individual's face - they all have that mean, gaunt, harsh appearance, but of course, in their ignorance, they attribute it to aging. They are also mentally delayed in many ways I won't get into here.

I don't recommend fasting, it's not sustainable if your mind isn't clean and when your mind is clean it's not necessary as you would gravitate toward a clean diet (if you eat at all). You can only purify yourself when you're chaste in thought, word and act - this uplifted state will lead you to a genuine desire to connect with God and on the path toward God Consciousness.

Purifying yourself is a constant effort that involves being of service to others instead of self-serving. You're beautifying the collective's consciousness of the world by being your true self a.k.a the Soul. 99.9% of people are not doing this, but think they are.

Now I can see how a few people have held this hell world by a string which is why the same few people's stories have been used as inspiration - Christ being the most common one.

Two Practices

I'm a beginner so I'll only speak on what I've practiced consistently:

a. Karma Yoga: Yama and Niyama; become morally disciplined, have good thoughts and engage in good acts. You should do everything for the sake of good and expect nothing in return. This severs all attachments and cleanses the mind.

Asana is proper posture (erect spine) is essential for upward energy conduction in your body. You cannot have an upward flow of energy if you're engaging in the sex thought or act; most people are downward which is why they're preoccupied with their genitals and have a negativity bias.

When you're no longer entitled, lust quickly disappears because lust is entitlement. You will see the material body as a vehicle. When you work, it should be for work's sake (which will be a natural progression).

This is a major change in the individual who commits to it. This is the key most people are missing when they claim they want to move toward non-duality or egolessness. Lust creates the ego and their " non-duality gurus" aren't telling them that because they don't know what they're talking about, so it becomes about escaping than duty, discipline and responsibility.

Could you start by countering every poor thought with three good ones? This habit will change the structure of your mind and every atom in your body as well.

There are more Sutras I won't speak on because I haven't trained them.

b. Presence: Focus on what is happening right now: think of the present moment as God and non-presence as Satan. Impure thoughts concerning something that happened years ago is a sign of a filthy mind doesn't matter if it's "good" or "bad." Since the mind doesn't detox like our digestive system, the only way to detox it is by having the discipline to no longer engage in what makes it dirty - but this only stops the incoming filth and does not remove current impurity.

There's a limit to what meditation can do for you when sex thoughts and acts are part of your life.

To fully reset the mind to the state it was when we were children (Pure Presence), you must meditate daily. This should be as normal as using the bathroom daily I'm learning meditation here and got the results I wanted quickly (about a week), but I want to remain pure so this will be part of my daily living.

I don't force myself to remember to be disciplined, good, sinless, presence, and God - I naturally gravitate to what assists in maintaining the peace I experience when meditating.

What people call "non-duality" or a "higher dimension" is automatic. It will be impossible to be fearful, anxious, or depressed for a few minutes when you know the truth of reality. You are no longer subject to karmic law in this state since your ego isn't putting you in harm's way.

[squeakygeeky]

600 hours/1 year of Thai

It's just under a year actually and I hit my goal for the year. I've been learning Thai will the 'ALG method' which is all about immersion. I mostly use this channel and I also take 1-2hrs of listening webinars a week. I'm currently on intermediate content. The transition from beginner was okay, but my comprehension levels feel on the lower side and they don't feel like they're improving that noticeably. It could just be that I'm pretty bored of lessons at this point.

I recently tried re-watching Lovely Writer and then He's Coming to Me without subtitles. I'm not sure why, but Lovely Writer felt easier. Maybe because there aren't any voiceovers and the non-romance vocabulary was centered on writing and film, which I'm more familiar with than heart conditions and funerary practices. I guess Lovely Writer also stuck in my head more, even though I had only watched each series one time. There were only a few points where I wished I actually understood, because I couldn't remember exactly what had been said in the scene. With He's Coming to Me I was more lost. Also it had more traffic noise picked up with the dialogue. I do think I will continue re-watching shows for a lot of my input. Even if my comprehension isn't that high, I'm wayyyy more engaged so it's worth it. I do think watching a whole series without subtitles is a ways off and I'd be too confused to get drawn in at all. I do watch a Thai game show with talented kids called Super 10 sometimes and I recommend it to anyone at an intermediate or higher Thai level. It's pretty easy to understand.

I still do watch shows with subtitles and it's with that where I really feel the progress I'm making because sometimes I forget for a minute to put subtitles on until the dialogue gets past basic phrases. However I'm still not logging that as part of my learning hours so the 600 number is really 600+.

I think part of the struggle now is that I don't feel like I'm picking up a lot of new words. Instead I think I'm getting grammar and cadence and the different ways that words I recognized are actually used. The way people talked to each other in terms of pronouns and particles was something I was already interested in and had explicitly learned a bit about, but now it's really obvious and one of my favorite things to pay attention to. The way Gene and Sib talk to each other feels absolutely wild now.

I was going to work on learning the alphabet more, but right now all I can really do is sound something out to see if the word is what I think it is. I may start learning to read more seriously even though it's not recommended by the ALG method to start yet (for accent reasons, which don't really matter given my lack of anyone Thai to talk to lol). I am really curious how I would fare in conversation if I actually tried. I do think I could talk about more than fruit.

There's a part of me that wonders if I should actually just stop, or cut back a lot. I don't need to know Thai, and this was partly an experiment on myself, which I think I can call a success. Meanwhile I actually need and use Spanish and I haven't been making much progress there, and a part of me still wants to learn Vietnamese (or one of about 2-5 other languages depending on my mood). But also, I like Thai and in another year I think I could watch shows without subtitles comfortably, and at that level I could stop trying to learn at all and would probably still improve.

[twojackals]

Change of Pace

I've always said no matter what I think about Kemetic Orthodoxy, or Tamara Siuda, or the House of Netjer, that I always respected and agreed with my full RPD (Rite of Parent divination) that I received from Siuda in 2001.

But that all is about to change.

My Beloveds (from my KO divination) and I have decided on a mutual separation, and while I had been thinking about this issue for years, I finally have the freedom to make these choices for myself since leaving the Kemetic Orthodox religion and becoming an independent Kemetic Polytheist.

But it's not just a choice I am making on my own. This is something that was decided from both sides of the relationship, with a surprise intermediary to help.

Let's rewind though:

In 2001, Dr. Tamara Siuda (Former "Nisut" for the Kemetic Orthodox religion, a specific branch of Kemetic Polytheism with various aspects revealed to its members from and through Siuda) performed a divination ritual for me to find out Who my "Parent" God or Gods was going to be. Some in the Pagan or Polytheistic world would call this a "Patron" God, and I'm OK to call it that as well; there are some KO people who will throw literal fits if you try to compare anything about KO to the 'regular Pagan world' but that's their deal, not mine -- Parent and Patron are literally the same concept. Deal with it.

In terms of Ancient Egypt, your 'Patron God' may have been the God of your nome, city, state, region, household, or a specific God or set of Gods you've devoted your life and/or worship toward for any number of reasons. In modern terms, many Polytheists already follow a specific God or Gods for their practice through personal choice (while others may have none specific in mind at all and work with Whomever can assist with various prayers, rituals, requests, dates, days, holidays, or just Whomever they darn well choose to work with on any given day -- also valid!).

In terms of Kemetic Orthodoxy, those who go through the beginner's class and become Remetj within the House of Netjer (the first real 'level' of Membership), can then choose to undergo the Rite of Parent Divination. It is a cowrie-shell-based ritual, completely modern from Tamara Siuda. The results of this divination system come in two flavors: Your Parent, or Parents (essentially Patron(s)), and your Beloveds, which would be one or more Gods Who have… like… decided to just tag along in your life.

When I was first divined, Tamara told me (verbatim, this is the actual chat log) what Beloveds are meant to do. This definition seems to have changed at least a dozen times over the years, so take this with a grain of salt from the ancient days of 2001: "The Beloveds help you to understand what you get from your Parent." Tell 12 people in the Temple today about this divination, and you will get 12 different opinions on whether or not it is true.

Of course this (Siuda) is the same person who also told me, again verbatim in the same chat log: "Wepwawet is Yinepu", and Wepwawet would like you to all know that this is absolutely not the case. But back in 2001 when I knew so little, it was all about what Siuda told me was true, and that's just how it was.

Fast forward back to the present day:

My relationship with Wepwawet has been strong for a very long time now. We're thick as thieves is how I describe it, and I haven't met anyone else that has ever described a relationship with Him quite like the one I have. It's definitely unique, and I appreciate that quite a bit.

My Beloveds, however, were and are nowhere to be seen… and honestly I think that's the way it was always meant to be.

Hethert and Amun have always been dead silent to me. Not invisible -- They've been "there" because I've expected Them to be there, and I think that's really the only reason They've ever been present is because I was in this religion with someone who told me "These Gods are going to be with you and part of your life". But that edict seemed as baffling to Them as it was to me, causing a lot of confusion and some level of spiritual trauma as well over time (always trying to attain something you were told 'should be', when it was never really meant to be at all, can be quite difficult to deal with).

Truth be told, my relationship with Wepwawet just didn't require "interpretters", nor did He nor I want any split attention in the Divinities department: I had no need in my particular path for any "Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Siblings, additional Parents" or whatever other familial human connection you want to paste onto Divinity. It simply wasn't conductive to the kind of relationship and focus I was meant to have with Wepwawet.

I'm not the kind of person who believes every single person can or should have a strong, daily relationship with every single Deity. I think some relationships will work, some will be in passing only or on an "as needed basis" only, and others will simply not work at all, and that is by mutual design. It's very similar to human relationships as well: no matter how much you pine after someone, the other party has a choice to be in that relationship, or not. And I think Hethert and Amun were simply existing in this disconnection in as best a way They could under the circumstances: They didn't want to reject me, particularly while I was in KO and being told They were "meant" to be there, but They also had Their own boundaries and limitations as well.

Essentially we were simply never meant to have the kind of relationship KO was suggesting we should have.

Today, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that, because now that I'm no longer bound by Kemetic Orthodoxy, I no longer need to tie myself to things I either do not believe in, or things that simply do not work. And the relationship between myself and Hethert and Amun simply does not work. This is never to say I cannot call upon Hethert or Amun to help me in various things, but rather it is about a familial-style relationship that simply was never meant to be.

What about "Nut"?

A couple of years ago, I had an additional Beloved divination. There is a long history behind this for the year prior, most notably a message I received during a Wep Ronpet (New Year) ritual from a completely unrelated Goddess, that I was meant to meet with Nut and receive a message. From that time on, I spent months curating this relationship with Nut that I didn't fully understand. Eventually, I had enough courage to ask Siuda for an additional divination rite to see if Nut was meant to be one of my Beloveds, along with Hethert and Amun.

The answer from Siuda's divination was that I could take it or leave it (She's receptive to the relationship, and I can agree to it, or I can walk away). And Nut thought that was absolutely hilarious and told me, in no uncertain terms, that this was a relationship that was meant to happen, and that if I examine all of the evidence, I would see that to be true (the same way that, had I examined all the evidence regarding Hethert and Amun, I would have known that relationship was never meant to be).

It was that point forward I realized two things: First, Siuda didn't know everything, nor were her shells telling me everything I needed to know for my personal relationship with Divinity. You'd think I would have known that a long time ago, but tradition is hard to break with. Second, for the first time in a long time, I personally realized the difference between a real relationship with an additional Deity (Nut) vs. the relationship that had been a bit forced on me (Hethert and Amun) by another person. [Note that I use the word 'force' very very lightly but, again, in 2001 and for some time after, I presumed what Siuda said was not to be questioned]

So while I say goodbye to Hethert and Amun in my daily life, I am working on elevating my relationship with Nut in a much more substantial way.

I will be deprecating all the statuary of Hethert and Amun from my shrines and altars, not to say I will never use it for something again, but it is a part of the 'moving away from this part of my life' that needs to be completed, and most importantly, Hethert and Amun are completely on-board.

This isn't goodbye -- it's just see you later, in a different context.

[maddiviner]

[Book Review] Talking to Spirits by Sterling Moon

Sterling Moon's new book, Talking to Spirits, focuses on mediumship in all forms. Now, medium isn't a term I'd ever have used for myself. I always associate it with ghosts. Ghosts aren't really part of my spiritual life right now.

I have spirit companions, but they haven't ever been "alive" in the usual human sense. Quite a few are thoughtforms or egregores, but not ghosts. I've made altars for ancestors, the mighty dead, loved ones, etc... but I don't converse with them. Not like that.

I'm a spiritworker, in other words, but I don't talk to the dead. I venerate them, but I don't work with them. It doesn't call to me (for personal reasons).

Still, I figured I'd read this, and pick up some broad techniques for spirit communication. The author's personal definition of mediumship includes all spirit communication, not only departed human spirits. Much of the book does focus on ghosts, but, as noted, you can apply it elsewhere too.

I’d consider this book to be good for intermediate practitioners. A lot of what Sterling Moon teaches here builds upon foundational magical skills. You don't have to master those first, but you need some familiarity.

If you don’t find journaling comfortable or worthwhile, this might be one to skip. Almost all the exercises rely on journaling in some respect. You can adapt them to pure reflection, but to get the most from this book, you should journal.

The author talks about her journey towards greater understanding of her gifts. She's frank in her admission that her own path hasn't always been easy. This will resonate with a lot of us who've had similar struggles, especially these past few years.

Sterling Moon discusses how COVID19 affected her spiritual community and herself. It's good to see authors point out the effects of collective traumas on our practices. This kind of community shadow work is necessary, but rare. This is my favorite aspect of this book.

Some authors push a “do what feels right” approach to the point of leaving out what might be helpful advice. Sterling Moon carefully doesn’t do that, though.

Here's an example. She says that you shouldn't keep an ancestor altar with a partner (unless you have children). She explains her reasoning for this, and I ended up agreeing. I appreciate the bluntness; it even comes through in the writing style.

There’s the sense of “yes, you can do what feels right, but here is what I do, why, and what happens if I do it.”

This book actually addresses the issue of problematic ancestors, at least somewhat. The author believes that spirits sometimes can find ways to heal and grow after death. In other words, they might mend their ways beyond the grave. Some won't, of course, and that's acknowledged, too.

Sterling Moon has a nuanced take on the whole thing and how to handle the bad guys in your family tree. I don't have experience with this issue in ancestor worship, though, so I can't really speak about it. This book has a lot to say about intergenerational trauma and the spirit world, too - a good conversation to be having.

Having finished the book, I've still got no desire to work with ghosts. I didn't expect reading one book to change that. The subject (from a sort of armchair perspective) definitely interests me more now. I'd like to have read more about spirits potentially healing after death, but that's a huge subject. It could fill its own book.

I disagreed a bit with some of the author's metaphysics. That's beyond the scope of this review, though. I still enjoyed reading about it, and much of the book is still useful. The book presents a toolkit that leaves room for the reader’s own paradigm.

This approach has strengths and weaknesses. On one hand, it’s adaptable and fluid. But, it assumes a reader who's ready to fill in the blanks. Again, this isn't a book for beginners, exactly.

I’ve never been a particular fan of Spiritualism or physical mediumship. The book gives a short summary of the Fox Sisters incident. It also gives Sterling Moon’s theories about what might’ve actually been going on. It was a novel, interesting perspective.

It didn’t change my (skeptical) views on Spiritualism and physical mediumship. It made me a bit more sympathetic towards the Fox sisters themselves, though.

There's a section on “conjured spirits." That would be Sterling Moon's term for any spirit created by humans. There's a cool summary of the Philip Experiment, where a group "created" a ghost (named Phil). I won't spoil things, but it's one of many interesting anecdotes in this book.

I like that the author addresses this topic. For whatever reason, these created spirits seem more common nowadays. Witches might do well to learn to work with them. Working with "conjured spirits" has been part of my practices since the early 2000s.

I give this book three out of five stars. It's not all that accessible for newbies, but does it need to be? I'm not sure. I know that not every book needs to be designed for newbies.

I recommend it for the intermediate occult practitioner whose done some work with spirits. If you want to deepen spiritwork practices, this book can help.

Thanks to NetGalley for providing an ARC of this book for review purposes.

[gaviicreates]

Journeys in Amigurumi (Bingo Roll 1)

Spoiler: This was a challenge!

For my first roll of the bingo card, I got "make an amigurumi" - and as someone who is most comfortable with flat 2D projects with little sewing, I knew this one would really be taking me out of my comfort zone. I'm not happy when I have to sew, and I am incredibly not happy when I have to attempt embroidery.

I may not do a full blog post for each bingo roll, but as this is so completely new to me and a large part of this bingo is the journey, here we go!

For full disclosure, I've made ONE amigurumi project before this, and I haven't picked up the technique once since. So before we dive in - have a quick picture of where I started 12 years ago.

I had to dig some really old photo archives for this one.

This lil' guy was made to be a warbler for my fandom at the time. I am sure he was based off a pattern, but it's unlikely I'll be able to find it now. I also don't think I know where this lil birb is anymore; he's gotten lost in the shuffle of moving a few times since.

Step 1: Research

Research - Before even choosing a pattern to begin this challenge, I wanted to first understand more about amigurumi, so I took to Youtube, which is my usual place to learn all things.

For my intro to amigurumi, I started with a few channels:

LePetitSaint Crochet, especially this Amigurumi fundamentals playlist; olliehollycrochet, especially this beginner tutorial video; For inspiration, I've also found Skein Spider

There are quite a few amigurumi channels out there - these are just a few that I enjoyed across my youtube dashboard.

The next step of research was finding a pattern, and I feel as though this is the part of the rabbit hole I am going to ADORE continuing to explore.

Step 2: Practice

Before I started "the" project, I wanted to first get a sense of the tension and play around with a project. Just something small. In effort to avoid buying more materials, I took to stash busting some of my scrap cotton. For the test piece, I found the pattern Octobuddy by the blog, Sweet Softies.

As someone with already pretty tight tension, working with a smaller hook took some getting used to, but I liked the way this pattern was written - he's an adorable little Octopus, but it also helped me get used to the shaping and stuffing process. I used household cotton balls since poly-fil isn't the type of thing I just have on hand. I did end up buying some for the final project.

This was a good exercise for me, as I started to feel comfortable with the actual crochet and using a tighter gauge. As I was sewing the eyes, I ended up pulling the cotton up or not being able to push the needle through. He was a bit overstuffed, or maybe I tried to assemble out of order, or maybe it's just my lack of sewing experience striking again.

Beyond that, the hardest part was in fact the the embroidery of the eyes, and his are quite... something. I was not originally going for the wink, but as the two sides became less uniform, I decided to lean into it. They still turned out pretty shoddy, and I can NOT stand doing this. I told myself never again, but for another spoiler... I did it again.

My Octobuddy might still be a bit overstuffed, but he's super squishy and relaxing to squeeze, just like a stress ball, the perfect size for my palm. So he's been hanging with me at my work desk.

Step 3: Do the thing

I won't say I was ready for the next thing, per se, but I also wasn't getting anywhere just looking at the cool things that could be made with this technique. So why not jump right in?

For my actual pattern selection, I chose "Hubble" by Projectarian, available on ravelry. I love me an aquatic creature, and it called to me that not only was this pattern free, it also came with a beginner friendly pdf, quick reference, and an entire selection of written tips for the new-to-amigurumi crafter.

Squid time!

Again, I wanted to use up scraps, so my first challenge with this pattern was adjusting it for the yarn weight I had on hand to use. As a result, the eyes were made with a way too tight tension. The pattern called for some crochet for the sleeping pupil lines, but there was no way I was going to get my hook in there. For the second time, I took up a sewing needle and attempted embroidery. This time turned out a bit better than the Octopus. I adore how soft he looks with the brown cotton yarn I decided to use when I couldn't find black.

At some point in attaching the legs and tentacles, I did lose track of where I was - but that was on me since I got lazy with the stitch markers. It was so close to the end, I was able to wing it to decrease the final row and stitch up the center. Before then, I added a bit more poly-fil.

I chose not to add pom-poms at the end of the legs for the same reason as I didn't add tassels to the blanket I made. Being a mom of three dogs makes you super aware of the types of things the furbabies will get into. You should've seen their faces when I brought home the poly-fil.

But I'm ranting away and you haven't even seen him yet!!

Step 4: Finished Object!

Body: Hobbii Rainbow Cotton 8/4 - Rosewood, 3.5mm Eyes: Hobbii Rainbow Glitter Gold 8/4 - Natural White, Hobbii Rainbow Cotton 8/4 - Light Brown, 2.00mm Legs and Tentacles: Hobbii Rainbow Cotton 8/4 - Rosewood, 3.25mm Pattern: Hubble the Squid by Projectarian I call him Hubblet since I made him so small. Sleeeepy squid baby.

Make an Amigurumi✔️

[risunsky]

As an accomplished artist and someone who I guess is harder to impress, what type of art / artist excites you and inspires you ?

You flatter me by calling me an accomplished artist! I don't think I am but I still take the compliment to cheer me up when I have a low self esteem haha!

It's a great question and also terribly difficult... mhmmm In terms of type and category… I admire those who master techniques that I want to do but could never do, like oil painting. I'm extremely sensitive to smells and strong products like what is needed for this technique but when I see some process videos it looks so wonderful!

Or the artists who master to an extraordinary level the techniques or style that I practice myself and that I consider as goals to reach. I do watercolours and comics but at a very basic level, I still consider myself a beginner, and I hope one day to reach even a tiny bit the level of Juanjo Guarnido with Blacksad, or Hermann with Jeremiah.

Or the artists who seem to excel in the areas where I'm a big slug, like speed and efficiency. I work slowly, I need to turn around my concept, do lots of drafts and tests, gather lots of references, so artists who can come up with an anatomically perfect drawing without a preparatory sketch or a composition that works great on the first draft blow my mind.

A special mention, I'm interested in linocut artists or those who do very elaborate black and white work like we see a lot in the metal world. I bought some material to do linocuts myself but I haven't had much time to do it yet and I love the ultra detailler black & white style but I think it's beyond my own patience which is already quite extended haha!

I'm making a small list, limiting myself to the artists : -that I am currently following -who are still alive -who work in fields where I myself practice, namely illustration, comics and traditional techniques. -whose name my horrible memory managed to retain and associate with the art…

Juanjo Guarnido Yoann Lossel One of my great favourites. His universe is simply wonderful. Wylie Beckert I'm in love with her style. Joe Fenton Stephen Wilson Madd Riccardo Federici. Jaime Calderón. Annie Stegg. Nico delort Ralph Meyer Jordi Lafebre Serge Birault

and many others, it's too hard to choose!

Sometimes it's other art consumers who talk about it so well that they themselves become a source of inspiration. I've already mentioned it here, Alt236, a French youtuber, who calls himself an archaeologist of fictional universes, every time I watch one of his videos I get a great art boost.

And my French community that makes letsplay RPGs centered on lovecraft kind of horror. I've been in this group for 10 years now, a lot of talented artists gravitate around it, come and go, participate and are motivating just by their enthusiasm or way of telling stories. it is through this community that I've discovered that I think I'm a better artist when it comes to exploring other people's worlds rather than creating my own. That said, don't think I'm an artistic snob, a funny drawing with a good dick or fart joke is enough to make my day! And challenging myself with cursed drawings. I think I have a passion for pushing the boundaries of idiocy.

And I think I can stop there, to keep it digestible hehe. I hope this answers your question properly! Thank you very much for this ask and your interest!

[slava-perunu]

Finding Identity in Purity is a Mistake.

One of the things I've really had to challenge myself on, as somebody who has been pagan for 15 years now, is how insular and venomous some pagan spaces used to be online compared to how they are now, and how much the culture shaped me. At one point I was a member of a very popular Ásatrú (Heathenry as a term really hadn't caught on at the time and the term wasn't as loaded then) group, with maybe five thousand members. I was a teenager, and like most teenagers, I wanted to be accepted. Badly. And this was The Group. It had big, important community members in it. The culture was aggressively reconstructionist. There were Rules, both written and unwritten, and if you followed them you got to dogpile people who didn't. It was incredibly toxic.

This group was very proud of its "Shame Culture." That's not me trying to coin a term to badmouth them, that's literally what they called it. If you stuck out, you were Shamed. There were frequent threads dedicated to mocking members who were bullied out of the group. If you were out of line with the group Opinion, you'd be dogpiled until you lost your cool, and then banned for being angry.

As you can imagine, after a while I quietly left, but that group left its mark. I was out of the community, but I still struggled with its demand of absolute historical purity. Even more so when many of the group's Approved Beliefs began being contested by new research and being less popular. Suddenly well defined pantheons were no longer the law of the land and verboten deities (It's Loki, I'm talking about Loki) were acceptable, and somehow at 20 I felt like an old man yelling at clouds. Those things couldn't be right. Blót meant blood and Loki was made up and there was a perfect historical recreation of Real, Authentic Heathenry that was just waiting to blossom, after all the fake heathens and Wiccatru crazies (labels that were, upon reflection, aimed by group members almost exclusively at women and LGBT+ people) were chased out or shamed into submission. This is not a healthy mindset.

I hope it is obvious that I have not retained these beliefs. I regret ever giving them credence. It's a shame that I fell for them, but I am also not surprised that I did. They prey exactly upon the worst excesses of the feelings that can draw young people (especially young men, I'd say) to paganism in the first place- this idea of a unique, rugged, authentic spirituality hidden behind misinformation that only the brave and intelligent care enough to find. I was an angry, socially isolated young nerd, and that's exactly the thing that angry, socially isolated young nerds desperately want to hear: "Not only are you special, you're special on a cosmic level. You're one of the only guys who worship the True Gods in the Right Way."

I feel like moving towards Slavic Paganism helped me break away from that toxic mindset. First, in that it allowed me to be a beginner again as an adult. No expertise, no seniority, I had to sit down and listen. Second, in what I heard when I did: "We don't know." That was terrifying to hear when I started. What if I did something wrong? What if I messed up? Tearing the bandage off and realizing that those things mattered less than I had believed allowed me to grow.

Third, and probably silliest, was that it's called Slavic Paganism. I know, it's got other names, but those are, uh, complicated. But that second word was important. "Heathenry" lets you be separate. You're not a nut like those eclectic Pagans, you're a real Heathen. You tell somebody in America you're a Rodnover (or whatever other label you might choose) and they ask you what that means, and you mumble back "pagan" as quiet as you can. You have an identity beyond that, but you're not better because of it.

Don't fall for the grift that young me did. Wanting historical authenticity is perfectly fine. I still try and make my practice as historically accurate as I can, and people peddling outright lies as divine truth are still causing harm. But basing your identity on Purity is another story. Don't chase Purity, because you'll never catch it. It's a bald faced lie. The chase is long and fruitless and you hurt people as you pass. If you become obsessed with Purity, it'll eat you from the inside out and turn you cruel. Purity is the white whale of reconstructionist paganism, and it'll drag us all under if we let it.

[poisonnxkki]

Witchcraft & Beginning The Journey✨

How I Started:

I spoke about this briefly but I'll go into more detail here. Witchcraft was not something that I just found and dove straight into. I took many years for me to develop my beliefs and at some point I just ended up on this path. I believe that even if I had to redo this life 100 times, I would always find my way back to witchcraft. As a child, I was raised Christian but I never really believed in it or felt like I belonged in that community. Around 12-13 I found alternative forms of spirituality (this was also when I was given unsupervised internet access... coincidentally). At the time, people were posting random beliefs on the internet and I tried to absorb everything (but wasn't really sure what I agreed with). As I got older, my interests began to change as well. I went from reading random "spiritual" quotes to learn about the history of religion and about different ancient cultures. Eventually I stumbled onto witchcraft and at first I thought it was a joke. Of course I loved the idea of witches and potions but I couldn’t really wrap my head around the concept. The idea kept popping up though as I scrolled through my corner of the internet and eventually it was all I was looking into.

Witchcraft became the space that I had needed all those years ago and allowed me to exercise my creative freedom. I could follow my interests, pick up concepts that resonated with me and really tailor my spirituality in a way that other religions wouldn’t allow. Everything felt unique, personal and reflective of what I wanted for myself. There are those who believe health consists of three things, body, mind & spirit. Without witchcraft my mind and spirit were lacking. It has helped me find hope, provided my spirit with a place it can flourish and now provides me with a community I can share my experiences with (& I'm really grateful for that).

Titles & Self-Confidence:

People who call themselves beginners often do so because they are either just starting (in which case the title works) or lack confidence in their skills. Regardless of what you call yourself, there is a lot of fear mongering targeted towards "beginners" in this community. Additionally, the imposter syndrome we face in regards to our own abilities or skills can be just as detrimental to our confidence as the fear mongering. I have named this experience "the beginner’s block" because it feels like something that everyone goes through when they are first starting out in witchcraft.

Most people who enter this community don't want to look foolish and so before experimenting with witchcraft, they try to do as much research as possible. There are even those in the community who recommend researching for x amount of months before beginning. I can't say that I'm a fan of that idea because, like anything else, experimenting is how we learn and grow. It is also how we build confidence in our skills to begin with and no amount of research can teach that.

The reason the title of beginner felt like it was weighing me down is because I used it to cover up my fear of being wrong. If I was wrong about something, if I didn't fully research something, if someone knew more than me on a specific subject, I could just say I was a beginner and not feel ashamed. Since abandoning that title I've realized that there is no need to be right all the time. No need to know everything about every subject and no need to question my skills. Being confident, regardless of how long you've been practicing, and being able to learn from your mistakes are probably the most important lessons I learned from the beginner’s block.

Topics for Your Book of Shadows/Grimoire:

🖤I'm purposefully not going to mention definitions or topics that are used for reference (like herb correspondences) because they are things that you can always look up on demand. I'm focusing on topics that might take a bit more time to really research and maybe point you towards your path. Pick and choose which topics interest you, don't feel like these are mandatory or necessary.

The history of witchcraft

Types of magic/witchcraft (Draconic, Green, Kitchen, etc.)

The history and mythology of your country/background (beware of closed practices)

The 4 basics (cleansing, protection, banishments & warding)

References for divination (personal gnosis, guidebooks, etc)

Ethics in witchcraft (depends on if you follow a structured belief system like wicca or not)

Plants/animals in your local area

The differences between spirits, deities, dragons & daemons (if you plan on doing any deity/spirit work)

Physical witchcraft (with ingredients) vs non-physical witchcraft (& which method you prefer)

Recipes/spells that you want to try

Shadow work prompts (if you plan on doing shadow work)

Social media witches that inspire you (Youtube, Tumblr, TikTok, etc.)

*All images are from Pinterest*

[k--image]

Does deep work work? - Cal Newport review and new 100DoP!

I'm partial to self-help books that seek to inspire or motivate you, explore what you should do with you life, and particularly how to do it. When I was recommended the work of Cal Newport, I was apprehensive about his theory that passion isn't central to career building - like many others, I've grown up with the dogma that you should "do what you love". So instantly, I was intrigued.

In choosing to read So Good They Can't Ignore You first, I got the broader picture of the long-term approach you need to succeed in life. His principles are based on real-life case studies and presented in a simple but effective way. Regardless of what field you're in (himself Computer Science), the deeper meaning is applicable to everyone.

I often get in over my head with planning my future, but this book offered a framework to centre your efforts, focusing on building your skills now before 'cashing in' on the rewards later: people aren't the best by random chance, they've (probably) worked hard!

Speaking of working hard, Cal's follow-up bestseller Deep Work dives into the how of success that So Good hinted at - and I couldn't put it down! Written in a very similar style, it gives practical, start-now advice that - albeit controversial - is the most meaningful way of working and living. And for a serial procrastinator like me, it was extremely useful.

As the concept of deep work appears to be tried-and-tested, I've been trying to implement it into my life since reading about it. In terms of social media, I did what I call a 'critical downsizing' of who I follow and the notifications I receive (actually using the Focus and App Limit tools Apple gives me 🤦‍♀️). I then asked my mum to hide my phone until I'd done the tasks I needed to do for that day, and only had what I needed open on my computer (minimising distractions).

I had a personal statement to write for a job application, which with my usual approach would take me a whole day - done in a day, but nevertheless using the whole day...

One hour. When it was just me and the Word document, I had it done in one hour. I did feel myself entering a 'flow state' at times, and heard the cogs move in my brain, but an hour feels a lot longer when you're being productive versus when you're not: for example, the hours I spend scrolling Tiktok go by a lot quicker.

By then, my mum wasn't even back home (and I didn't know where she hid my phone, obviously) but I felt good enough to carry on (I know, right?). I completed the training for my new role as committee member for a society at my uni, and got started on re-organising my Spotify playlists which I'd been putting off for ages. All-in-all, a very productive day.

Productive day... That rings a bell... Oh yeah, I've been keeping track of a 100 days of productivity challenge since the new year, but to be honest it quickly became a list of things I had to do rather than things I wanted to do (not to mention I wasn't posting about it a whole lot on here...).

So, I think it's right to start over and see if I can do 100 days of deep work before the end of 2023. Cal says beginners can do one hour at a time (in my case the personal statement) and eventually work their way up to four hours.

I've got a lot of work left over from the past year that I want done before I start my second year in September, so hopefully I'll be posting more often with updates about this :)

If you read any book as a result of this review, please let it be Deep Work, but they really do come as a pair :D Thank you for reading!!

100 days of deep work #1 - 22/06/23

Personal statement for job application

Society committee member training

Spotify re-organisation

[hindisoup]

15-week learning review

Grammar (11 out of 15 weeks) Despite my angst the other day of "losing my spark" or whatever, I was actually surprised to realise that I've been acing my grammar studies during these past 15 weeks. What I count as "grammar" here is the time I spend on textbooks so actually a chunk of this is me learning the Nastaliq and beginner Urdu - but a lot of that still applies to Hindi too or helps me to understand the differences of the two so it still counts here.

Writing (8 out of 15 weeks) I have used Chat GPT for some writing and comprehension practice and I've written one script which took me an unusually long time, but then again it was three pages long. If and when I'm considering a hiatus from my videos, I realise it's a good idea to think of an alternative way to keep on practising writing regularly. Maybe finding a pen pal?

Listening (7 out of 15 weeks) I managed to listen to some podcasts but even more than those I've enjoyed watching a lot of good old film songs on Youtube with my daughter. She doesn't know a thing about Hindi but being 5 yo she's now grasping the idea of different languages and she just loves "girl songs" as she calls the videos we watch together. She constantly hears random words and asks "what's milke?" "what's dori?" "what's dikhta?" and that's actually very good listening practice for me to translate lyrics for her - and recently she's started to sing along with me and how adorable is that! Language learning tip no. 3965 - have children.

Speaking (5 out of 15 weeks) During this time I've had only one tutoring lesson and two phone calls with my native-speaker friend (yes I have some human interaction after all). I also recorded the audio for my video. I think recording and listening to myself speak has been a great way to practice and hone my pronunciation during the past year. I don't struggle with sounds that much anymore and I can read and pronounce (almost) any word I read in Devanagari even if I don't know its meaning. I've sort of learned the rhythm and tone associated with spoken Hindi. Not that I can produce that out of my mouth perfectly but I understand and recognise it - and it has made me understand so much about how many Hindi speakers speak English.

Watching (5 out of 15 weeks) I only managed to watch stuff on five of these past weeks, but during those five weeks I watched one documentary series, one stand-up show and eight (8!) Hindi films, five of which I had never seen before. Phew!

Reading (4 out of 15 weeks) I'm still making my embarrassingly slow progress with Nirmala - I really enjoy it, but I just can't seem to take the time to focus on it. Chat GPT is of some help - easily accessible and always at hand for a quick chat. But I had a proper argument with it one day trying to explain why we can't say आपका स्वागत है as an answer to "thank you" - and it had the audacity to apologise and say it accepted my explanation after maybe twenty minutes of back and forth and answer "आपका स्वागत है" when I thanked him for understanding the issue. Oh well.

[bakurapika]

cannot recommend highly enough as a grown-up to learn new little hobbies and come back to things you could do as a kid

i'm learning how to play go (yes, because of manga) - i had tried as a kid, and I remember the desperate searching through local stores to find anything related - back when even buying something on eBay was still sketchy enough for a credit-card-owning parent to be hesitant. i'm bad! but the absolute rush from beating the AI on the easiest setting - the glee when watching beginner guides and realizing that i already knew that term - i was able to solve that problem

when i was 11, i got a clarinet - i went for one year to a fancy school (expensive tuition but discounted because my mom worked for them) where you were required to buy and play an instrument for music class. I liked the saxophone, but clarinets were much cheaper and money was tight.

I'd had to take music lessons of various types through my childhood, and now as an adult i realize that the reason i struggled so much was that grown-up instruments are made for grown-up hands! playing chords on the piano or guitar made my fingers hurt, and I was told I would get over it if I practiced enough - but I didn't mean "callouses," I meant "my fingers can't stretch that far without pain and discomfort." (as an adult, if I play guitar, I play my 7/8th size cordoba, and even that isn't as easy as it could be.)

all that to say, i grew to dislike any musical instrument that played chords. reeds are a whole other beast, and i don't know what I learned as a kid (embouchure??), but I've always been able to pull that clarinet out and at the very least make some musical sounds come out of it. which i got the urge to do recently. I'm still not living alone but I've been sneaking time to play. and i bought new reeds for the first time since 2005.

i was squeaky as hell of course! even with the new reeds, still embarrassingly so! but i've been playing just for the fun of it when I feel like it. and I realized yesterday when I squeaked that it was the first time I'd done it that day after a half hour or so of fiddling around, where even 2 weeks ago, i was squeaking every minute at least. And I can comfortably reach lower notes because I'm adjusting my breath the right way to do so, without having been intentionally practicing.

I know this is getting long. my point is just

a reminder to myself as much as anything else. going back to being bad at something seems embarrassing. you don't need to be able to perform it (while being allowed to show off if you want to, in a space that you think will get positivity)

and somehow that being-bad allows for some really cool surges of excitement and surprise when you are already so much better!

when i briefly was actually in the habit of exercising and found i was much stronger than i had been, had more muscles than before, even though I was barely working a sweat, my friend told me those are called "noob gains" by the bodybuilding community. i'm stealing that. i want noob gains in everything. to put in that little bit of effort to learn the ropes and get better!

it doesn't matter if i don't ever play go again in my life, if I get bored with it tomorrow. I still had fun, genuine pride, feeling like I learned something new. and we never leave these things behind, not really. my mouth still knows how to put noise into clarinet. if in 20 years i want to join an orchestra, i can start intensive training then. and i'll be able to do that because for a week or two, every once in a long while, I picked it up and had fun with it

[herbalspacewitch]

Welcome to my witchcraft/spirituality sideblog! This will just be a place for anything related to spirituality/occult topics I'm interested in. Some basic info about me to start:

Practicing witchcraft for several years now, still consider myself to be fairly beginner

Probably most accurate to call myself an eclectic witch - specifically I'm very drawn to divination/cosmic witchcraft, but I've also been trying to incorporate more green/kitchen witchcraft into my practice

I study astrology, mostly traditional Hellenistic with elements of modern western astrology (I primarily use the tropical zodiac/whole sign houses/traditional rulerships)

I still have so much to learn! Pretty much anything I post here will be UPG (unverified personal gnosis, aka my unproven opinions lol) so don't take anything I say as gospel!

Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat! Especially if it's about astrology, I love comparing notes!

IMPORTANT PLEASE READ!!!!

Under NO circumstances will I engage with or tolerate any kind of bigotry on this blog, ESPECIALLY not any bigotry dressed up in spiritual/occult language. I also do not tolerate using astrology to pass value judgements on other people - astrology can be fun and a great tool for self reflection, but it can NEVER give you the full picture of someone's existence. People are more than their charts!!! I also hate when interpretations are highly gendered (ex: Libra men are like x/Libra women are like y), but that's a whole other can of worms lol.

thank you for coming to my ted talk

[casspurrjoybell-24]

Sugar Punch - Chapter 5

*Warning Adult Content*

- Theo -

Every single muscle in my body was aching, making it impossible to not wince every time I sat down.

My workout with Maddox yesterday had left me defeated, so much that when he drove me home last night I went straight to bed and passed out, only when I woke up did, I realize how much pain I was in.

It all felt so crazy now I think about everything that has happened in the last few days since joining the gym.

Even though nothing significant had changed on the outside, I felt like something was happening inside of me, something I wanted to cling onto.

Thinking back to last night, I couldn't believe Maddox drove me home, I wasn't complaining but THE Maddox Zane drove me home, a guy I watched every time he had a fight, until I became somewhat of a fan of his.

It was weird, compared to how dangerous he looked with all those tattoos, he was surprisingly a nice guy, considering the first time I met him I was scared to even talk or even look at him.

Well... I still am scared but being around him last night made me feel just a bit more relaxed around him.

Luckily for me school had finished just as fast as it started, all without any trouble from the football team as I kept my head down and just ate in the library while I worked on my code for a project, I had been working on for a year now.

During lunch I had hacked into the school Wi-Fi and downloaded the famous social media app Instagram, where I decided to peek at Maddox's page, after spending all day thinking about him and why he was being so nice to me.

His page was just as I expected, photos of him training, not a single photo was out of place, not a single selfie body shot and only a few photos with girls and some guys I think were his friends but nothing gave away who he really was.

Everyone who knows the name Maddox Zane knows he came from nothing, his parents weren't present and his mom died when he was young, he practically lived in the gym until he was scouted, the rest is just history.

It was impressive, he did all that without anyone's help, he raised himself and look at him now, he was doing something he loved or I thought he loved, he had always looked at ease during our lessons.

I was almost at the gym and since it was Tuesday, I was taking a class with Rick today and learning self-defence.

Finally, I thought, until I took a moment and really thought about it, Rick, the owner Rick, a big, massive guy was teaching us self-defence.

There was simply no way I could ever get out of Rick's hold, not only was he simply pure beefy muscle but he was tall, I'd be surprised if even Maddox couldn't get out of Rick's grip, he was that large and strong.

Opening the doors to the gym, I saw some familiar people from yesterday, working out as usual, I paid them no mind and kept my head down, clutching my gym bag as I went and signed myself in, putting my name down on the piece of paper for today's lesson.

I was wearing the clothes Maddox had given me and to me shock they fit me, although the T-shirt was a little baggy... but I wasn't complaining, it was free stuff, stuff I couldn't afford on a student salary.

Until I can, I'll have to be careful not to break or rip anything, Maddox probably wants these things back.

I watched as more people came through the doors of the gym and came up to where I stood and signed their names on the paper for the defence lesson today and I couldn't help but grow nervous as everyone looked big, buff and already lethal.

Wasn't this a beginner's lesson?

Just what have I gotten myself into?

"Theo," a deep voice called my name, making me jump and turn around, my heart beating rapidly until I see who it was.

Maddox was with Rick, both dressed in their gym gear as they made their way towards me and the other group of people.

"Hello," I said to him then looked at Rick and smiled at him.

"Glad you could make it," he said before looking at the rest of the group. "If you're here for defence follow me, I've got a special treat for you all today."

My stomach felt funny as everyone started following behind Rick, noticing that Maddox was walking next to him as I walked behind the group of people, feeling anxious about what's going to happen next.

I've never done something like this before, nobody wanted to even group with me in any sports in school, so why should today be any different?

Was I about to make a fool of myself? Dammit... why was Maddox here too?

Did he also teach defence with Rick?

We all followed Rick and Maddox until we got to a large room with mats all over the floor and some dummies by the side of the wall, I don't know why but it felt hard to breathe the moment people started putting their bags by the door.

"Nice to see you all show up on time for a change," Rick said, grinning as he stood in front of the group, his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at each of us in the eyes.

"We have some newcomers so let's welcome Theo and Claire," he said as my eyes go wide once I realise, he just said my name.

Suddenly everyone started clapping at me and another girl who stood beside me, only realising once everyone turned and smiled at us.

She looked like she was my age, she was cute and petite, but there was no way a girl like her would ever pay attention to me, only guys like Maddox got with girls like her.

"We have a guest today who's going to help out in today's lesson, he doesn't need an introduction as you all should know who he is by now," Rick said as my eyes went to Maddox who rolled his eyes at rick.

"Get into pairs then find a place on the mat," Maddox instructed, making everyone scurry to find a partner.

I watched as everyone found a partner, leaving me stood by myself as the odd one left out and with nobody to group up with.

It felt humiliating, I should be used to this but... it still hurt.

It fucking sucked being left out.

Maddox's eyes met mine then called me over to him with a nod of his head.

"Looks like you're stuck with me."

My stomach did a flip once I stood next to him and he put his hand on my shoulder as everyone found a place to stand on the mat, Maddox was acting like everything was normal as he looked around the room, a satisfied look on his face.

"Today we're going to learn one my favourite, what I like to call 'the bear hug' or what the ladies like to do to me on a Friday night, the rear naked chokehold," he said, making everyone in the room laugh.

As the lesson began, Maddox faced me and helped position my arms and taught me how to get him into a hold and how to avoid breaking my hold on him, even going as far as to teaching me another method by body locking him.

It was weird touching him but the moment he told me to wrap my legs around him I almost died from embarrassment, Maddox was a big guy, his body was fully muscle and I was a stick compared to him, so to hold him down like this made me feel weird.

Once I got the hang of it and it is becoming easier to put my arm around his throat and knock him to the ground to wrap my legs around him to secure my hold on him, making it hard to him to break free, I felt like coming here was starting to become worth it.

Obviously, Maddox was going easy on me, I had no strength in my arms, so he could've easily broken free and kicked my ass if he really wanted to but instead he simply taught me how to do it and the other ways to use the technique.

After a few more techniques, where Rick renamed them all to fit his humour, the lesson was finished and even though I was the one pinning Maddox down, I was starting to feel the burn in my arms and legs.

"Looking good today, Theo, you're a quick learner," Rick said as I went and picked up my bag.

I nervously smiled at him and grabbed my bottle of water from my bag.

"Thank you, I learned a lot," I said truthfully as my eyes went to Maddox as he started cleaning up.

"How's your one on one with Mads, is he giving you a hard time?" Rick grinned out as I shook my head, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks as I saw Maddox from the corner of my eye turn and look at us.

"No he's teaching me a lot too."

This was so embarrassing, he was right there.

Rick laughed out loud and then slapped me hard on the back, making it feel like he just punched me as he stated slapping me on the back, his laugh filling the entire room.

'Ouch.'

With that, I followed Rick and Maddox out as I was the last one to leave because of Rick laughing at me, once they stopped and talked to someone asking them a question I decided to just sneak away and go to the first floor, where the light machines were.

Being around Rick was exhausting and being around Maddox for more than ten minutes made me feel lightheaded and intimidated, especially every time he touched me or when I had to touch him.

I needed to calm down, my heartbeat was still beating out of control, so I found something to try and then sat down and read the instructions on how to use the machine.

Pec press machine...

I felt like an idiot just reading how to use it, I had never used anything like this before or even thought about using something like this, muscle building wasn't exactly something I was interested in but I gave it a try anyways.

Adjusting the weights to something lighter, I sat back down on the bench and then gripped the handles on either side of me and then I pulled them into my chest.

What....the fuck, so heavy... and I only put 20KG on, which didn't seem like a lot but now I'm thinking I should've just picked the lightest one, the 5k.

"Um hi..." I heard a voice making me freeze and turn to my left. "Are you alright?"

It was the girl from earlier, I think her name was Claire, she was staring at me with worry in her eyes and I didn't need to guess why.

I felt like I was dying pulling this crap, why was it so damn hard to just pull these things?

But most importantly, why was this girl talking to me?

"You should try the 10k, the 20 is a little..."

I felt so lame, not only could I not lift 20k but now someone, a cute girl had seen me at my worst, I am so pathetic I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Maybe I'll just go home.

"Thanks," I nervously said, getting up from the machine. "I actually was just finishing up so… Bye."

I didn't say anything else as I walked away, not wanting to embarrass myself further as I clenched my bag tightly in my hands and headed for the exit, knowing that there's a bus in thirty minutes but I couldn't stay here any longer without bursting into flames.

So, God-damn lame.

"Theo wait up," I heard a deep voice call me, stopping and turning as I reached the exit door.

Maddox was jogging over to me, holding something in his hands and when he finally reached me, he looked me over with a frown on his face.

"I forgot to give you your diet plan yesterday," he said, handing me the paper as I stared down at it dumbly.

"Oh."

Right... for a moment there I thought he wanted something else.

"Thanks, I'll uh... I'll stick to it," I said smiling nervously as he looked at me, his eyes going from my face to my bag.

I thought he looked like he wanted to say something more but he didn't as he took a step back and nodded to me, his left hand rubbing the back of his neck and his eyes moving from mine.

"I'll see you Friday..."

Is all he said before he walked away, walking to the front desk where there stood girls, waiting for Maddox.

What was that about?

Did I do something wrong?

He looked mad.

I watched him for a moment longer before leaving and walking to my bus stop, each step worse than the next as my whole body felt like it was shaking and aching in pain.

Did I push myself too much?

Why did this hurt so much?

I felt like I was dying.

I just wanted to go home and sleep it off and hope that tomorrow I felt better because for some reason, I felt like I was getting sick...

Dammit, this was just my luck. 

[futuroprimordial]

Magic as Relationship

"With It" Magic

A few years back I was a presenter at a conference on the Western Magical Tradition held at the Findhorn Foundation Community in northern Scotland. Both practitioners and scholars of various forms of magic came from all over Europe and North America to attend. Like so many conferences in which there are more speakers than anyone knows quite what to do with, the afternoons were taken up with panels in which five or six presenters are jammed together and given a few nanoseconds each to present the breadth and depth of their knowledge before being exposed to questions. As you can tell, though I've both been on and seen some very good panels, I'm not fond of the form.

At this conference, one afternoon panel provided a bit of unexpected drama, though I imagine not in a way the organizers appreciated. It was a panel for which the theme was "What is magic?". As I recall, there were four or five panelists, and the first speaker was a man who had written a beginner's book on magic and spirituality. His definition was that magic was very simple, a kind of "playing with energies" that everyone could do. This went uncontested until the last panelist had his turn to speak. He was a well-known and respected author of many books on magic, as well as a competent practitioner. He had been quite visibly restraining himself from saying something until his turn came, but then he practically leaped out of his chair in agitation and said, "Magic most certainly is NOT playing with energies!". Then, shaking his finger at the first panelist, he proceeded to verbally demolish him, stating that magic was anything but simple, and that it was a deep and profound discipline that was not for everyone. He let it be known in no uncertain terms that his fellow panelist had no business speaking in this conference if he was going to spout drivel. This in turn led to a shouting match between the two which eventually led to the organizers' coming on stage and shutting the whole thing down.

I hadn't realized till then how much fun a conference of magicians could be!

I have to admit, though, that even after that, the definition of magic remains elusive to me. The word magic is used loosely in a number of different ways and contexts, from the excitement and wonder of a romantic evening to stage illusions to the profound spiritual disciplines of alchemy and hermeticism. If I say I'm a magician, then just exactly how am I describing myself? What really is magic? Perhaps behind the disciplines and the rituals, the techniques and procedures, it does come down to a play of energies innate in all of us, though now I might think twice before saying so on a panel!

I once had a conversation with a non-physical being to whom I asked this question of the nature of magic. He seemed puzzled and asked me what I was talking about. So I explained to him what I had in mind and he said, "Oh, you mean life!". Another being was more helpful, but only just. "When you pick up a glass of water," he said, "for you it's simply an act of will. You wish the water and your body responds by picking up the glass. It seems instantaneous to you. But at the level of your cells, a great deal more goes on in the form of energy exchanges and molecular alterations, all of which you don't experience. What you call magic, with your rituals and correspondences, is to us equivalent to these molecular activities at a cellular level whereas what we call magic--the magic of the soul, if you wish--is like the direct experience of will and its consequences. We will and it is done."

Nice trick when you can do it.

At the heart of what this being was saying was relationship between two states for which will was a bridge. In his case, the bridge was direct, but in our case, the relationship or connections needed to be built up between ourselves and the object of the magic, hence the use of ritual or correspondences. The image was like the difference between teleporting directly between San Francisco and New York on the one hand and traveling from one city to the other through a series of connecting railway links. His point was that as we were able to form deeper and better connections or relationships, our magic would change. It was a matter of the wholeness in us matching the wholeness of the cosmos.

Thinking of magic as relationship and connection has been helpful to me, more helpful than thinking of it as ritual or alchemical processes on the one hand or playing with energies on the other. More precisely, it gives me a starting point in thinking about magic and the making of magic. I can think of it, for instance, not simply as the use of the will to produce effects in the world but as the forming of relationships or connections co-creatively with the world that have consequences, hopefully desired ones.

Why is this important? Because I believe as human beings we need to move to a partnership model of our relationship with the rest of creation, not simply for moral or spiritual reasons but because it works better. It is closer to the truth of things. If I think of magic as the projection and imposition of my will upon the world, whether through the astral light or the etheric plane or some other intermediate dimension, I am acting as a separate agent. I am not really engaging the world. I am acting upon it but not with it. I am making links through corresondences and rituals, but I am not making wholeness. I am not participating. In the end, whatever the success of my magical operation, the world and I remain separate. We remain strangers to each other.

Whatever magic is or can become, I believe it calls us to be not just in the world, or even less to have power over the world, but to be with the world in spirit and in wholeness. It is a "with-it" magic.

David Spangler

(https://hermeticist.blogspot.com/2007/09/with-it-magic.html)

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"Los Rostros del Territorio", poster by Antonio Álvarez Gordillo

[gaviicreates]

WIP Wednesday -2023 Apr 12

So after lamely missing the WIP update from the 29th, I'll reiterate for today's post I am planning to work on WIP Wed every other week for the purposes of my sanity.

I've been finding myself with low creative energy the past two weeks, mostly because I've now gotten to the other side of "the big project" since we spoke last. I haven't shared what it is in general, but it's been one I've been working on since Fall of last year. After I cranked out the last few rows, I passed the project on for some help with the sewing portion. So it's out of my hands at the moment, but it's going to be awesome once I have the full project to share. And I will because it deserves its own dedicated post.

Finishing a big project like that is its own euphoria, but also a lethargy. It's an exciting time to be in that space of "I can do anything next," but it's also daunting to say "I can do anything next" if you catch what I mean.

So that's where I am at.

Besides the big project, I've still got my others in progress, so current count is:

WIP Count: 4 2 crochet, 1 knit, 1 Tunisian crochet

It's barely a 4 though, I have the brim of a hat started from the frogged project I mentioned before, otherwise it's a solid 3. For today's WIP Wednesday, I'll share Gavii's adventures in knitting. This is my second knit project after learning and practicing knits and purls. The pattern is called the Berkshire Throw, available as a knit kit through Lion Brand. I gravitate towards blue colors, so I've selected from their Basic Stitch Anti-Pilling Yarn 2 skeins of ecru, 2 of stonewash, 1 of frost, and 1 of deep denim. I have a feeling it's going to be a small blanket, maybe a lap size when it's all said and done.

I selected it knowing it was a beginner pattern and would be great practice for alternating knits and purls by row. Around the border is seed stitch too. It has some mistakes, but at the end of the day I am loving how it's working up and the colors. It's been a fun adventure so far!