#childhood grief

[howlingtothevoid]

Miss you, darling. Miss you so much. I hurt you so much when I was hurting, and it was the same from you to me. I hope you're doing well and I hope you don't ever get near me. I'm sorry for resenting you

[avillainstory]

"You still crave lemonade, but the taste doesn't satisfy you as much as it used to. You still crave summer, but sometimes you mean summer, five years ago." - Alida Nugent

[painbutitspoetry]

There's nothing quite like growing up with grief. Because that other second grader I hang out with on the playground doesn't want to hear about my dying mother. So I don't talk about it. So I lose all my friends when I'm 10 years old and skipped months of school to watch the last of her hair fall out and the flesh melt off her bones and suddenly I'm laying my hand on a cold body and my dad is trying to find a pulse with an apple watch but there is none. So I switch schools and no one even knows that I still pull out four plates for dinner and have to put one back and it's nice but also terrible because then how can they know me? Because then I have friends who are like oh my god I have such trust issues you have no idea but the thing is I do have an idea because the doctors said 2 years and I couldn't handle it but a few months later she was gone and I shattered so yeah I don't trust anything because the world is cruel. And my white relatives tell me to be happy she's with Jesus now knowing full well she never believed in Jesus and they truly think she's in Hell when all she wanted was to be a Stingray. And maybe your friends are annoyed by their parents putting time limits on their phone but guess what I spend every day worrying about my dad because he never cries and one day when I was 11 he looked at me and said the reason he never stops working, never lets himself relax or pause or process is because he spends every waking moment afraid to become Katniss's mother from the Hunger Games, so consumed by grief that she leaves her children to raise and fend for themselves, and my heart splinters because it's my fault my dad can't properly grieve. It's having a friend who was kinda-not-really bullied in 5th grade tell you she tries to be more than her trauma and the scream that builds inside you because that girl has no idea what it's like to spend every day trying to be more than the kid with the dead mom so instead you pretend like your mom never even existed. You pretend like you don't lie in bed every night trying desperately to remember what her laugh sounded like, what her arms felt like around you. Growing up with grief is wishing on every birthday candle that your mom is happy and safe wherever she is and having aunts buy you random clothes that are nothing like you because they pity you and think this will make up for the lack of mother figure. It's the whispers in my head that say no wonder I'm so coldhearted, it's hard to be motherly when you don't have one. It's the fact that she never knew I was a lesbian. It's this barrier, between you and all the other kids because they just don't get it, and you feel so wrong because I'm sorry this sold out lipgloss doesn't bother me but my mom is dead

[petrichara]

Trying to remember the last time I played hide and seek. The last time I said hi to everyone on the street or saw the girls I spent every day of six years with. The last time my dad picked me up, or my mum brushed my hair. When was the last time I dressed without consideration? There is so much to think about now. I remember falling on the grass at school and making stories with the clouds. Hanging upside down from the swing and realising how big the world was. I wonder on the path of growing when we stop feeling big. I am taller now, smaller still.

[metanarrates]

nothing is more sexy to me in fiction than a time loop being thematically linked to the experience of grief and/or trauma. a constant reliving of loss and pain that becomes literal, an inability to move on, a cycle that always finds new ways to hurt... literally where would we be without it

[punchedlines]

"the parallels between Bruce and the robins all becoming orphans young" ok that's nice but the parallels between Bruce and Cass both having lost their innocence after being confronted with death at 8 years old. The way they both have let the grief, the guilt, the impotence haunt them ever since and transformed it into more. The way they both, though in different ways, lost their parent(s). The way that the traumatic instances (and their upbringing until then) couldn't have been more different, yet it affected them so similarly and are the pillars for their current moral code and suicidal tendencies. Can't think about them too much or I go insane

[lovely-abeille]

on the cruelness of fifteen

@/petrichara // the shape of a girl, joan macleod // @/cowboyvamplikeme // fifteen, taylor swift

[dionysian-mystery]

Poetry by Nikita Gill

[traumaxprincess]

you can get this as a STICKER

[whumpypepsigal]

The Witcher s03e03: “[Your mother] loved you the best she could. To save you, she had to let you go.”—“This can’t have been the only choice.”

[howlingtothevoid]

I miss them a bit

[avillainstory]

No one talks about growing up in the same small town and how that has always been home until you leave. But no new house or place compares and ever feels like home. But neither do you belong to that sad old town anymore. So whatever you do or wherever you go, nothing ever feels like home again and you are always yearning for something that will never come back.

[llovelymoonn]

mahmoud darwish journal of an ordinary grief (tr. ibrahim muhawi) (via @luthienne) \\ courtney love by nigel shafran for love magazine (2013) \\ lianna finck home hole \\ james baldwin giovanni's room

kofi

[finding-hope-strength-courage]

Finding so many photos of my Mum that I’d never seen this week has been so incredibly special. I feel closer to her than I have before from seeing them. 💗

[petrichara]

Friends we used to know

1- Caitlin Conlon @cgcpoems / 2- Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes / 3- Mitski, The Frost / 4- Emily Carey, House of the Dragon / 5- Girlpool, Before the World was Big / 6- Emily Carey / 7- Rob Reiner, Stand By Me

[deadaluschild]

I've always loved my friends immensely, I've always put so much effort into my friendships that I've never felt the need for a romantic partner. I've always wanted to have a special bond tho, I want to be someone's first choice "I would look for you in a room full of people".

Now I'm so jealous of those friends who are in a relationship two in particular, because, if you find all this time for them, why can't you find it for me? I'm aware of my delusion, I know they don't consider me as important as their partner, but I swear I would drop anything for you, as you are the love of my life, even if we just sit in silence and you don't think of me as often as I think of you, I would peel thousands of oranges for you, even though I'm allergic.