#cloudy days put me more at peace

[takeyourcyanide]

God, i need to smoke. Fortunately I should get to either today or tomorrow. But it’s highly likely I won’t experience the effects of nicotine since I only have one left right now. I’m going to huff that thing like no one’s ever huffed before

[whoistartaglia]

doing your boyfriend’s makeup

scaramouche/wanderer x reader

cw: very mildly suggestive at the end

“stop squirming.”

“i’m not—“

“stop talking!” you admonish, your shaky hand narrowly missing scaramouche’s eyelashes. he glares up at you through those very thick and unfairly long eyelashes. even without the mascara, scaramouche has the most gorgeous eyelashes you’ve ever seen. it’s unfair, really. you’re convinced that you could put on the entire tube’s contents of mascara on your own lashes and they would still have half as long as his.

with a huff and a pout, scaramouche closes his eyes once more. you continue to reapply the mascara in long, even strokes, hesitating ever so slightly when his flutter in a way that suggests scaramouche is seconds away from sleep—and that he might very well be. the tension of you nested on his lap and touching his face with gentle, wispy touches faded away to reveal the peace and tranquillity of the scene. it’s late into the evening hours, but the atmosphere suggests a gentle breeze, a warm summer afternoon, a harp playing somewhere in the background.

scaramouche is transported back to the bedroom, the fairy lights, and shuffled playlist playing from your small speaker, when you pause and he takes it upon him to open his eyes. you don’t reprimand him this time, instead taking a moment to study his face: the curve of his lips, the angle of his cheekbones, those eyelashes and dangerously gorgeous violet eyes underneath them.

“you’re so beautiful,” you whisper as scaramouche’s eyes flicker up to yours. “even without the makeup.”

scaramouche tilts his head as he studies your face in return. “i should be telling you that.”

there’s a smoke, a fog, a haze in the room with how you’re both lost in each other’s eyes.

“you do, though. every day.” you look down at the tube of mascara in your hands and set in on the vanity behind scaramouche. you look at yourself in the mirror before glancing at scaramouche’s reflection—even the back of his head, with it’s choppy haircut you requested a handful of times for him to let you straighten out, is beautiful.

“…do you really think so?”

you look back at scaramouche, surprised at the question. “of course i do.” you repeat yourself again for good measure. “you’re beautiful—even more than that.“

scaramouche is quiet for a second, contemplative, before a quiet, “thank you, [name].”

you know he’s thanking you for more than the compliment, more than the impromptu makeup session tonight, more than he might know himself.

“you’re welcome,” you return, meeting him in his cloudy, storm-filled eyes. your glance to your makeup bag and an idea like a bolt of lightning strikes you. “now, then. i just have one more thing. close your eyes again for me, okay?”

scaramouche does as he is told, fluttering his eyelids shut as you reach into your bag and pull out a bright red lipstick.

“you just need a little bit of chapstick.” you gently brush the “chapstick” on his pouted lips, even as he asks a, “and why did i need to close my eyes for this?” as you put it on.

you ignore the question and pose one of your own. “it’s all done! do you want to see what a lovely masterpiece your face has become?”

“do i want really to?” scaramouche asks, eyeing the open bottle of mascara and several q-tips and tissues you had to use for around the eye clean up.

“i’m going to say probably not, but you don’t have a choice.” you reach over and pickup a handheld mirror which you present infront of scaramouche. he studies his face, the long thick black eyelashes, the smuged eyeliner to bring out the lighter tones of lavender in his eyes, his lips colored—

“red.” scaramouche turns around to the vanity mirror, as if to double check that the firery red pigment on his lips is truly real. he meets your gaze in the mirror. “i didn’t know chapstick was red.”

“yeah, well… chapstick, lipstick, it’s all basically the same at the end of the day.” scaramouche sets the handheld mirror down and turns back to you, noting your oh-so innocent smile as you try to contain a laugh.

“you think you’re so funny,” scaramouche says, a new wicked gleam in his eyes.

“i’m familar with this shade because it’s always covering my lips, cheeks, and neck whenever you kiss me,” he whispers. you gulp nervously at his lascivious tone, and scaramouche is the one to smile. “consider this as payback.”

scaramouche leans in closer, and you don’t protest when his lips meet yours, staining them the same fiery red that you’re sure you’re going to be covered with by the time the sun is up tomorrow.

[mylifesjustacarousel]

bloodsucker

pairing: james hook x fem!reader (requested!)

summary: you’re keeping a big secret, but you didn’t think that anyone would be able to figure it out. especially hook.

type: kinda angsty

CW: none

WC: 800+

requests are open! <3

It was a cloudy day outside, your favorite kind of day. You could actually sit outside and study instead of being cooped up in your room with the windows closed. There were many kinds of people at Merlin Academy; Sea witches, dwarves… but you were the only vampire. At least the only one that you knew of. Nobody else knew. You didn’t know how they, or how the school, would react. So, for your safety, you kept it a secret…

… or you thought you were keeping it a secret.

Hook was sat across the courtyard, quietly watching you. Your almost lifeless skin, your dark clothing, the way you seemed much more lively at night. Hook was not the brightest person alive, anyone could tell you that. But, there was something off about you that nobody could put a finger on. Until him.

There was absolutely no way that you were a vampire, though. There couldn’t be… could there be?

You looked up, noticing the brunette boy staring at you. Grimacing, you closed your book and got up, going over to him. “You know it’s considered to creepy to just stare at people, right? What’s your deal, Hook?” you asked, your arms crossing over your chest.

“Easy, darling. Can’t a pirate just sit and admire the scenery?” he smirked, winking at you. He couldn’t deny that he found you intriguing. Your dark aesthetic and even darker attitude had him wanting more. But, he was going to have fun with it.

You rolled your eyes and turned to walk away from him. He quickly got up and grabbed your hand. It was ice cold. Your skin turned impossibly even more pale as you ripped your hand away from his grasp, “Don’t touch me!”

Putting his hands up, he backed away a few steps. “You’ve got it, lass.”

You quickly stomped away, collecting your books from the ground and shoveling them into your bag before walking off. You were screwed.

“This is gonna be fun.”

It was a few days later, and you were avoiding Hook like the plague. There was no way he knew, right? He couldn’t even figure out how to make a simple potion. You were wandering the forest late at night, something you did when you had a lot on your mind. If you were caught, there’s no telling what could happen to you. You worked too hard to get to where you were.

You leaned up against a tree, taking in the scenery in front of you. It was quiet. Peaceful. You never realize how much you appreciate silence until you’re stuck at a school with hundreds of other kids. But, you loved it. It was your one chance for a sense of normalcy in your life, seeing that your life had been so far, far from normal.

Your family was one of the only vampire families left, the rest had been wiped out centuries ago. Vampires weren’t thought too fondly of, everyone thought that they would suck all of their blood out. But, those stories were nothing but folk tales perpetuated by the same people who sought to kill the vampires. You were kept in hiding for a lot of your life, but your parents wanted to give you a chance at a normal life. So, you were sent off to Merlin Academy.

“Hello there, lass,” a voice called out from behind you.

So much for peace and quiet, you thought.

You sighed, knowing exactly who it was. You turned around, “Hello, James. You know, you just can’t seem to take a hint, can you?”

“What fun would that be?” he asked, resting on the tree beside you so you were face to face. He was so close that you could feel the warmth of his breath on your face.

“You need to go. Like, right now.”

He pouted, his eyes looking you up and down. “Why? Are you going to, I don’t know… suck my blood out? Maybe try to kill me? Is that why, darling?”

Your jaw dropped, “How did y-”

“How did I know? You didn’t keep it very well hidden, dear. So, what do we do about this?” he teased.

Grabbing his shoulders, you pushed his back up against the tree, getting in his face. “We? We are doing nothing about this. You are going to act like you don’t know anything, or else I will suck your blood out. You got it, Hook?”

His face turned red, a red darker than the jacket that he was wearing. “I don’t know, m’lady. It seems like a pretty big favor to be asking of me.”

You moved closer to him, the tips of your noses pressing together. “I need you to cooperate with me. I am literally begging.” He raised a brow, “Begging? I like the sound of that.”

You shoved him away, groaning. “You’re disgusting, James… But, please, just keep this a secret. I can’t ruin my chances here.”

Hook realized how serious you were being and let up a bit. “Alright, alright, darling. This little secret will stay between us.”

“Promise?” you asked, looking up at him.

“I promise, my little bloodsucker.”

“I absolutely hate you, Hook.”

a/n: this was such an interesting request, i thoroughly enjoyed writing it. it gave very much zombies/monster high vibes. i hope you enjoy it! mwah mwah mwah!

[inferencesarchives]

`•- Warm Rain & A Gentle Breeze

pure vanilla cookie x gn reader

prompt: sharing an umbrella in the rain

warnings: physical touch

a/n: I HAD TO DELETE THE REQUEST BECAUSE TUMBLR WOULDNT LET ME EDIT MY DRAFTS FOR SOME REASON HFSJSHDJSHDKCJSJ

It was a peaceful autumn day. The day wasn't too cool, and a soft breeze flowed through the air. Today was the perfect day for a walk.

As you walked hand in hand with Pure Vanilla Cookie, he looked over at you every now and then with an affectionate smile. For once, he wasn't busy, and he was happy to finally be able to spend some time with you.

The two of you chatted with one another as you walked through the streets, each telling the other about random miscellaneous happenings. The both of you talked for quite some time before, suddenly, you felt a few gentle droplets of rain atop your heads.

The rain was pleasant, but as more and more fell from the sky, it seemed that your walk together would have to be cut short. Thankfully, you brought an umbrella with you when you noticed the cloudy skies, and you quickly opened it, putting it over both of your heads.

Pure Vanilla Cookie smiled as you shared your umbrella with him, grateful for your consideration. Together, you walked back to the castle, not letting the rain damper your moods for even a moment.

"Thank you, dearest."

a/n: tumblr is being dumb help i hope it lets me edit my drafts soon UEUEUEUEUEUEUEUREUREU

thank you for reading, and remember to take care of yourself!

[saintjosie]

hi! no idea if you take asks like this but thought i'd try. i'm writing a transfem character in a fanfic (in canon they are a cis guy, i just headcanon her as trans), specifically about effects of estrogen. i'm doing a lot of research but i was wondering if there's anything specific you think would be important to know? ty in advance if you do answer! <3

oooh what a fun ask!

having recently taken a stab at writing some fanfic myself, i think the things that would be the most helpful are the things that are more anecdotal because i’d imagine those would be the things that would help get inside her head.

first, there’s a lot of stuff about some of the physical changes out there like softer skin, thinner body hair (but not necessarily less) boob growth, fat redistribution, changes to color perception, eyes and lips appearing bigger because of skin changes and fat redistribution etc. but also really important to writing a trans character is the pacing of the those changes.

the changes are slow. much much slower than most people want. there’s a specific frustration in the slowness because while some changes happen quickly, other take years. and also frustration in comparison. some people see changes within weeks or even days. some people don’t see anything for months or years.

in my own personal experience, everything happened FAST. within a few DAYS i had the beginnings of breast buds. within a few weeks skin had visibly softened and changed texture, especially on my face. but other things took more time. i didn’t really have real boobs until 2.5-3 years in, even though i saw other people with the same timeframe or shorter have much more breast development. the patience required can be excruciating but also the joy is overwhelming and it’s a constant cycle.

and another thing i don’t see talked about too much bc it’s hard to qualify and sometimes hard for some people to notice are the way i process emotions and the way i think about things. now HUGE caveat, some people will use this as a way to justify bio-essentialism and transmedicalism and so it’s very important to note that this is MY experience and uniquely interacts with my own journey.

when i started hrt, within a few hours of taking the first dose, i felt different. not physically, but almost as if there was a peace in my soul because my mind became less cloudy and i could differentiate my emotions more clearly. and i used to think this is because t-blockers means no t and no t means less angry but trans mascs would tell me that their experience with t is the same and not the opposite. i’ve now realized that kind of thinking was actually invalidating to trans mascs on t. and ive realized that its actually because testosterone didn’t feel right in my body and removing it from the equation helped me understand myself better. i had always experienced emotions in this way and my discomfort with my body had stopped me from understanding the complexity and nuance with how i was feeling.

and it took me YEARS to understand what had happened. and it happened alongside of being in therapy and a lot of personal growth. hrt was the catalyst but it was the effort i put into growth that made the difference.

if you have any more questions, i’d love to share more cause i think it would be fantastic if more people who were not trans fem would be able to write trans fem characters with substance, nuance, and complexity! it’s difficult but important and thank you for attempting to do so and approaching this with respect!

[mistress-riddle]

𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐒

cw. marauders x reader. mostly gender neutral i think? mentions sirius playing with readers hair. can be read as romantic or platonic!

request. the boys help reader decompress after a difficult day of work or school? Like like Sirius would brush/Braid readers hair, James would be ready to massage readers shoulders and help reader change into one of the boys hoodies and Remus would read to them and cuddle them to sleep? Or something like that maybe?

a sigh escapes your lips the second you step foot inside your house. the door barely manages to close behind you when you notice 3 heads pop out from their current places to stare at you, eyes lighting up at the sight of you and they all say the same thing "[name], you're home."

"thankfully i am, boys." another sigh escapes your lips and james is the first to take notice and make his way towards where you're standing by the door to take your shoes off.

"rough day at work, pet?" james asks, hands instantly working on the tension of knots formed on your shoulders. you lean your head back and let out a groan of satisfaction as he kneads your shoulders. you don't even mind the way he leads you to your bed with the rest of the trio following close behind, too focused on the relaxation beginning to flood you.

.

"you have no clue," you murmur and turn your head to the side, giving james better access to the knot on the left side of your shoulder "james, you're actually an angel you know that?" a smug grin decorates james' face and he puts in more effort to give you the massage you deserve.

"wanna talk about work?" remus asks from his spot by the doorframe, arm propped up to lean his body against it.

a shake of your head erases all ideas of talking about what's got you so exhausted and so remus rummages through your cabinet to find you some clothes to wear and settles on one of the hoodies you stole from him paired with some comfy cotton trousers.

"love, you should probably shower," sirius reminds you. he's sat on the chair of your desk near your bed "it'll make you feel more refreshed." you groan, getting way too comfortable with james massaging you to even consider doing what sirius is smartly suggesting.

"james, push me to the bathroom." this earns you a chuckle from all three, they know you're being dead serious.

"i'll go whip something up for you to eat." remus says and with a nod, he leaves your room and heads to the kitchen. james leads you to the toilet and brings along with him your towels and clothes before leaving you to your own devices to help out remus instead.

the shower you take is quick, you want nothing more than to plop down on your bed and doze off to whichever dreamland your subconscious mind desires. after shutting off the water, you dry your self as fast as you can and then put on your clothes.

"feeling fresher?" sirius asks as you find him sitting on your bed, back leaning against the headboard, waiting for you to join him.

"much." in the blink of an eye, you're under your covers and snuggling it closer as you rest your head against the softest pillow ever, you could totally fall asleep on this cloudy-like material—

"want me to play with your hair?" sirius asks, observing your peaceful expression, eyes shut in bliss at the feeling of the softness of your bed.

"of course, siri." you move your head to rest on his lap and sirius gazes at you softly as he rakes his fingers through your hair, giving your scalp a gentle scratch and feeling content with the way your face completely relaxes.

"you guys are truly the best ever." you murmur as you feeling yourself drifting off to sleep with sirius still playing with your hair to form loose plaits and a smile plastered on his face.

[literaryvein-reblogs]

A List of "Poetic" Words

to include in your next poem

Ambrosian: Anything particularly delightful to taste or smell.

Amort: Spiritless; lifeless.

Apollonian: Harmonious, measured, ordered or balanced in character.

Ariose: Characterized by melody; songlike.

Aureate: Golden, gilded, brilliant or splendid.

Caliginous: Misty, dim, murky, obscure or dark.

Gossamer: Something extremely light, flimsy, or delicate.

Halcyon: Calm, quiet, peaceful or undisturbed (usually accompanied by ‘days’).

Inveigle: To entice, lure, or ensnare by flattery or artful talk or inducements.

Mawkish: Sentimental in an exaggerated or false way.

Motley: Being of different colors combined.

Nebulous: Cloudy or cloudlike.

Panacea: A remedy for all disease or ills; cure-all.

Pellucid: Allowing the maximum passage of light, as glass; translucent.

Penumbra: A half-shadow, or the edge of a shadow.

Puerile: Of or pertaining to a child or to childhood.

Quiddity: The quality that makes a thing what it is; the essential nature of a thing.

Quintessential: The purest, most typical or refined example of its kind.

Scurrilous: Something coarse or indecent in the language it uses; or, as the early lexicographer Samuel Johnson put it: ‘using such language as only the licence of a buffoon can warrant’.

Seraphic: Blissfully serene; rapt.

Serendipity: When a happy and unexpected discovery occurs by accident.

Slattern: A woman or girl untidy or slovenly in person, habits and surroundings.

Sylphlike: A slender, graceful woman or girl. One of a race of supernatural beings supposed to inhabit the air.

Vellichor: Refers to the appealing mystique of an old bookshop.

Sanguinolency: Something bloody or something related to blood.

If any of these words make it into your next poem/s or stories, please tag me or leave a link in the replies. I would love to read them!

Sources: 1 2 3

More: Word Lists

[mega-aulover]

Cider

So I was thinking about the this and that messages a lot of us got, thank you by the way Nony. Those were fun. It got me thinking about who initiated the relationship and how long it took just kept playing in my mind and in my head their first kiss...kind of was like this...PS this is T' territory verging on the M (no nudity just a hot kiss). All mistakes are sadly mine.

KPKPKP

The two year anniversary of the war was coming up. On the television one of Plutarch's many shows. Tonight's variety show had a puppeteer that had Peeta laughing.

Curled next to him on the sofa, Katniss couldn't help the joy she felt at the sound of Peeta's full body carefree laugh. She wanted to freeze this moment and store it in the annals of her mind. She sighed softly, feeling that flutter of happiness in her heart.

It wasn't easy arriving at this place of serenity.

In the beginning, it wasn't easy getting out of bed after a night of nightmares. It wasn't easy to do simple things like brushing your teeth or even bathing. But with Peeta's encouragement Katniss followed through the minutia. She too supported Peeta in the moments when his eyes became cloudy and he fought against programing the Capitol gave him. On those days she firmly held on to him as he gripped the back of a chair or screamed into a pillow.

In less than 24 months they had achieved a peaceful existence.

They grew back together intertwining their lives, becoming friends then a couple who lived together. Sharing one room and one bed.

Peeta was sipping his cider when the puppet on the screen said something funny and fluid sputtered out of his mouth.

"Oh man," Peeta said putting his cup down, his shoulders still shaking with mirth, and his cheeks pink with embarrassment. "I-" He held up his hands that were dripping with cider.

Katniss thought he looked so good. He'd gained weight, his arms were defined and muscular, and now he proudly sported a small paunch. As she sat there devouring him with her eyes, that whirling hunger she felt in the cave and on that beach roared to life and left her ravenous. Her eyes went to his lips that were wet and sticky with cider. Katniss couldn't recall the last time they'd kissed, when she leaned over, licking her lips once, before planting a kiss on his lips. Her hands curling around his face.

Peeta gasped and then moaned, when she licked his bottom lip and bit it lightly. His hands found purchase on her shoulders. When he kissed her back, Katniss made a high breathy sigh. His hands traveled up to the nape of her neck and his fingers tangled in her hair pulling slightly and she groaned as her body exploded in a thousand goosebumps.

The heat between them grew until it became too much Katniss pulled away. She noted she was sitting astride his lap now. When that happened she didn't know. She did know they were both out of breath.

"Katniss...are...I mean is this...are you okay?" Peeta panted.

"Yeah," she nodded firmly. She licked her lips tasting the cider.

"That was," Peeta said his cheeks now dark red.

"Yeah," Katniss grinned.

Peeta nodded closing his eyes.

She saw that he was processing what happened between them, Peeta was always the thinker while she shot first and asked questions later. "Do you want more cider?"

"Sure." Peeta leaned his head against the sofa.

Katniss stood up from his lap and sauntered to the kitchen, with both of their cups in hand.

Tonight was the beginning. Something within her had been unlocked and she refused to close it up, they would revisit this again, and again.

[mermaidgirl30]

✨Dancing With Fire Part 5: Hold me now✨

Masterlist

Pairing: Joel x fem! reader

Word Count: 13.2k

Summary: The pressure keeps building at the theater. You feel like you’re about to break, when all you wanted to do was dance in the first place. Will you push everyone away like you always do, will Joel step in and save the day like he always does, or will you lose everything you ever loved?

Tags: Angst, anxiety/depression, feelings, no explicit smut in this chapter, all the angst and feelings, protective! Joel, so much love

Rating: Explicit (18+ Only MDNI)

A/N: I’m sorry, I was really feeling all the angst for this chapter. And then Joel 🥹 Joel is just so perfect and soft and so sweet and he will do anything for sunshine 🥹 Please leave me comments and tell me what you think of this one, there’s nothing I love more. I truly love writing this story, and it hits home in a lot of places 😩 Also, this chapter was very long and could’ve been two but it’s okay 😅

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

“It’s like there’s cancer in my blood, it’s like there’s water in my lungs. And I can’t take another step, please, tell me I am not undone. It’s like there’s fire in my skin and I’m drowning from within. I can’t take another breath, please, tell me I am not undone.”

- “Pittsburgh” by The Amity Affliction

Monday rolled around as fast as a speeding train, crashing into you like a stony brick wall. It pulled at you, screaming your name as it called you back to the theater. Back to your hellish nightmare that you wanted to so desperately escape from. The night before it fed on your mind, slow and deadly, eating away at you like a rat chewing its way through a bundle of wires. What kept you calm and sane was Joel.

You ended up staying the entire weekend at his place, wrapped up in his warmth as he held you close to him every single night. And when he crowded your body, when he held you against his broad chest and grazed his calloused fingers against your skin gently, it brought you instant peace.

He was a wave of serenity, a cool cloud that covered you in warmth and protection. He was what kept you together, what kept you calm enough so you could breathe freely. And when his lips came down on yours and you breathed in his coffee scent, it nearly sent you over the edge. Every single time. He was perfect, nothing less than that. Your safe space, your everything.

“You ready to head out?” he asked as he finished the last of his coffee while you finalized putting the last bobby pin in your hair, smoothing out the flyaways from your face. You double checked that your eye liner was on point and nodded to yourself in the mirror.

“I’m ready as I’ll ever be,” you sighed, gathering your practice bag as you zipped up your lilac North Face jacket. Joel nodded and turned off the kitchen light, opening the door as he invited the cool autumn breeze in. You stepped over the frayed welcome mat, and then he shut the door and pulled the lock tight behind him.

You waited at the end of the stairs for him, looking out into the misty day of New York. It was dreary, cloudy, a cold day that weighed on your head like a dark cloud about to pour all its dread and lightning on you. But you already felt that, felt the heavy sensation dragging you down as you waited for it to end. You just wanted it to be over. Let it be over.

Joel pulled you out of your dark thoughts and put his hand on the small of your back, leading you down the street and towards the theater. You were quiet this morning, barely saying a word throughout breakfast, almost too anxious to eat. But Joel made sure you ate. He wouldn’t let you leave the house without something in your stomach. And you were so grateful for him. He was too kind, too caring, too good for you. But you couldn’t imagine sinking away from him. No. You wouldn’t imagine it. It was too painful, too fresh. You would be an absolute wreck without him.

He noticed the silence and the anxious thoughts running through your head, but he didn’t say anything. He just took your hand in his and squeezed, letting his calloused thumb brush over the back of your hand as it instantly eased you of any worries. It was kind of crazy how he could do that. That he could take all your worries and toss them aside as he filled you with sunshine and warmth with just a touch of his hand. And his voice. God, his voice. It was angelic, celestial, a sound that filled you with instant peace. And you’d never get enough of it, never get enough of him.

When you finally made it to the front of the theater, you stopped and caught a glimpse of the advertisement for the upcoming Swan Lake ballet. There you were, right on the front of the billiard in your white swan dress, gently smiling into the camera for all the world to see.

That didn’t feel like you anymore. You felt like the black swan now, the darker version of yourself. A broken, empty shell that sat hollow in the darkness. Your eyebrows furrowed together as you stared at that picture of the girl, the happy girl. The girl you used to be before you met Pierre. Before you were worked to death like a slave on that stage, brusied and ripped to shreds over and over again like an elephant in a cage at a fucked up circus. You felt the tears prick behind your eyes, felt everything come down inside you. It was like your walls were torn down, just like a building that was destroyed to shreds and knocked to mere ash and broken concrete.

You felt yourself slipping, felt your body start to shake until Joel grabbed your shoulders and turned you in his direction, knocking you out of your dark hole that you were spiraling into. “Hey, look at me,” he said urgently as his deep brown eyes searched yours, looking for any shroud of evidence that you were okay. But he knew you weren’t. He knew.

“Talk to me,” he gently demanded as his eyebrows pinched together and his eyes turned to a darker, more charcoal color that was muted and desperately seeking for you to grasp onto him.

“I…I…” you stuttered out, no words coming to your hollow mind, so you tried again. “I’m scared. Joel, I’m so scared,” you said shakily as you grabbed on to his button-up flannel shirt and dug your fingers into the smooth material, trying to get a grip on reality as fear tried to take over again. Your eyes were wide, and you could feel the sweat bead through your forehead and drip through your hair as your heartbeat raced against your chest chaotically.

“Hey, it’s okay. Look at me. Look at me,” he gently soothed as he cupped each side of your face and lifted your watery eyes to meet his. He looked carefully at you, his brown eyes searching for clarity underneath your clouds of grey waning down on you. “Just look at me. Breathe,” he eased out, letting out a long breath as he urged you to follow after him. You slowly followed his movements, focusing on deep breaths and slow inhales. He grounded you back to earth, back to where you could sort of breathe again, and the ringing ears gently died down. No more ocean sounds swishing around in your ears, it was just Joel’s voice now. Just Joel.

“There ya go, sunshine. Atta girl. Take a couple more deep breaths for me,” he instructed as he slowed your heart rate back to normal, letting all your anxiety come to an end as you focused on those caramel eyes swirling in front of you.

Just breathe, focus on Joel. Joel, Joel, Joel.

“Feel any better?” he asked as the pad of his thumb skimmed over your cheek, pulling you back together piece by little piece with just the touch of his rough skin against yours.

“Mhm,” you hummed out as you grabbed his wrist, wrapping your hand around it tightly as you coiled yourself around him, around his shielding wings from the cold, broken theater that sat in front of you like a haunted mausoleum with ghosts coming out of the walls, warning you to run away if you could.

“Good,” he answered as he continued grazing his thumb against you, calming your nerves gradually. “You’ve got this, baby. You go in there with your head held high and dance your heart out. You’re the swan. The majestic, beautiful star that is gonna absolutely kill it opening night. No one can take that away from you, no one can stop that shine that I see in you when you dance from the soul. You can do this, I believe in you,” he emphasized his last words as he stared intently at you with those honey flecked eyes that you loved.

Love, love, love. That’s what it was, that’s all you could see in him. Love. And you’d tell him how you really felt about him, just not now. Not in this vulnerable moment when you were almost torn to shreds by your insides fighting against you.

You can do this, I believe in you. The words rang through your head again and again as you processed just what he said to you. He believes in you. Joel does… Joel.

“I… Joel… thank you. For believing in me,” you whispered out, almost afraid to speak the words as the tears licked at the backs of your eyes, threatening to spill over if you got too emotional.

“You’re welcome, sunshine. Just remember, whatever you decide I’ll back you up. If you want to dance then dance. If you want to walk out that door today then I’ll gladly follow you out. I’ll go with you anywhere, all you have to do is ask,” he said with meaningful words and eyes that threatened to take you over the edge once more.

“Okay,” you nodded, gulping down any tears that threatened to spill. You had work to do. You needed to see this through. You wouldn’t give up, you’d never give up. “I need to get in there and change. They’re probably waiting for me,” you sighed as he dropped his hands from your face, letting you take a step back.

Before he let you go, he grabbed your wrist and pulled you into his broad chest, sinking his lips down on yours as he held the back of your head and pressed deeper into you, your lips lingering over his for a minute. You didn’t want to pull away, you never wanted to pull away. This was where you wanted to be. In his grasp, on his lips, wherever he was you wanted to go. Your safe space, your home.

You slowly pulled away and grazed your fingers through his scruff, catching a patch of grey before you dropped your fingers and headed toward the glass doors. “I’ll see you later,” you said faintly as you walked towards the entryway, back to hell as you called it lately.

“Knock ‘em dead, sunshine. I’ll be around if you need me.”

You took one more look at him before you disappeared behind big glass doors, away from his warm embrace. You sucked in a breath and waltzed into the auditorium with your head held high and your dignity intact as you made your way to the dressing room. To your small space where you could think before you got sucked into the drama of it all again.

The auditorium was cool, just like a gust of wind blew down your back and wrapped you in its cold claws that clamped down its jaws on you. You dragged your hand through the crimson velvet walls, feeling your way down the slope of the hardwood floors, planting yourself firmly down on the ground. Down to where you belong, down to where you have to be. You have to dance. You have to. But that was just what you had to do, not necessarily what you wanted to do.

You sighed as you made your way behind the draped stage curtains and ended up in your dressing room. The small room was filled with bright lights from the vanity that was left on. The pale pink wardrobe was sitting open exactly how you left it Friday, full of your sparkling costumes that you were meant to wear onstage.

The sleek black swan dress was staring at you, shrouding you with its black wings that called to you in a depraved, dark night song. The black threads twisted around your wrists, stuck you with its needles as it trapped you, succumbed you, doomed you. It called your name, screamed for you to cave in. Come to the dark, let me show you the way. This way, this way.

You peeled your eyes away and slammed the door shut, hearing the sound of it reverberate around the walls of the shallow room, drowning out the voices of the dark swan. You threw down your practice bag on the ground with a loud thump and tore off your too warm jacket. You were frustrated, torn, anxious from the room, anxious from the theater, anxious from the show. But the show must go on. It had to go on. With you.

You looked at yourself in the mirror, staring back at your reflection as swimming eyes came into focus. Your eyeliner was dark, eyeshadow shimmering black against your eyelids as the dark red lipstick stuck matted to your lips. You looked the part of the black swan, felt like her, too. She was a part of you now, even if you didn’t like it.

You signed away your life as soon as you scribbled your name on that contract. You sold your soul to the devil in dark red letters, sealing your fate to the hands of the show. You couldn’t escape, there was no escape. Not unless you wanted to deal with the consequences. Contracts were binding, there was no breaking them. Not unless you wanted to end your career as soon as it finally took off. There was no leaving this show. Not until it was done. Finished.

So you decided to put on a brave face. You held your chin high and tucked away any tears that tried to escape your red blurry eyes. It was time to get ready to dance. You could do this. You could do this. You pulled on your pointe shoes and laced the pink ribbons up nicely around your ankles, tying neat bows around your sheer tights. You smoothed out your rosy pink skirt and pulled up the black leotard that clung to your body like a suction cup. Time to dance. Time to dance. You took one more long look in the wide mirror and left the room, leaving your hollow thoughts in the empty tomb.

When you stepped out into the bright lights of the stage, Carlotta clapped her hands and shouted across the auditorium as her voice echoed around the theater. “Alright, let’s go! Black swan, you’re up. Take it from Act II,” she commanded as she took a seat and crossed her skinny arms across her bright red suit of the day.

You nodded and got into place. Deep breath, breathe. Joel’s calming voice entered your mind, and you relaxed against it, against his reminder. Breathe.

When the orchestra music blasted out of the speakers, you started the routine with your head held high and your arms graceful like a swan. You turned on your toes, leapt across the stage into an arabesque and focused on your movements. You made them sharp, clean, perfected your footwork as the routine went on. You were alone for this dance, one of your solo routines. You were fine alone, you weren’t caving inside when you didn’t have to dance with Pierre. This was fine, you were fine. That is until you saw him out of the corner of your eye.

You saw his sharp jaw, his icy glare, his slicked back locks of blonde, his chin jutting out as he watched you. It felt like a lion watching a gazelle. Ready to pounce, ready to attack. You could feel the weight of his gaze on you, feel the hunger that stirred in his chest, feel his drool leave his mouth as he watched you, hungered after you. And it made you sick to death.

You ended the routine with your chin held high and lips pursed together in a tight line, your arms stretched thin like they’d break off if you extended them anymore than they already were. You were on edge then, on a tight thin wire that was bound to snap if you made one wrong step.

“Good, beautifully done,” she said as she waved her hand around her face frantically. You sighed and relaxed your back as you stepped out of fifth position. “I’m going to have the other dancers run through their routines. After that, we’ll circle back and you’ll perform your duet with Pierre.”

Your jaw clenched as you fisted your fingers tightly against your flexed tendons. Your toes curled in on themselves as much as they could, and it felt like your leotard was squeezing your ribs, threatening to break into nothing but dust as your bones snapped in half. You didn’t realize you were standing there, staring wide-eyed until Carlotta snapped your name.

“Well, go on. Don’t just stand there, we have a schedule to follow!” she snapped. You nodded your head and flew off the stage, away from Pierre’s prying eyes.

You found an empty wooden bench backstage and sat down, pressing your fingers into the pit of your thighs as a way to calm yourself down. You’re fine, breathe. You’re okay. You took a deep breath and focused your mind on Joel. Joel, Joel, Joel. Your sweet redemption, your saving grace.

You closed your eyes for a couple of minutes until the harsh sound of laughter came across the back of the stage, at the bench opposite of you. You opened your eyes slowly and dug your nail beds into the tips of your knees, trying not to lose your focus. Breathe, breathe.

Pierre sat there with three of the ballet dancers crowded around him. All three women fawning over him and caressing his lengthy shoulders, flirting their way around him as they giggled and twirled their flyaways around their index finger. The sight made you sick. You knew damn well he had all three of them in his bed not long ago. He bragged about it, boasted about how proud he was to be such a stud. All you could do was roll your eyes and bite your tongue from all the things you wanted to say. He was such an asshole.

Cecilia sat next to him, hand lingering on his thigh as she whispered in his ear seductively. Her gaze straggling over to you occasionally as her bright green eyes narrowed over at you like a cat trying to claw her way into a fight. Her bleach blonde hair was held up in a tight bun, her pink lipgloss shining over her twisted mouth. Her skirts were always too short, her cleavage sticking out of her leotards. The fakest slut you’d ever seen before.

You hated her, truly hated her. She was nothing but trouble, always seeking out drama. And she tried so hard to press your nerves, tried to draw blood from you every time she opened her big mouth. But you never caved in, never reacted to her. That’s what she wanted, and you wouldn’t have any part of it.

Pierre whispered something in her ear, his hand reaching out and pulling her ear closer like he had a nasty secret to tell. She covered her mouth, and her eyes went wide. She whispered back to him and he nodded, icy eyes glazing over at you like you were caught in a trap of lies. They both looked at you, mouths pursing in snickers as their eyes narrowed. You couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t stand it. Something snapped in you and hard.

“If you have something to say just say it to my face!” you hissed, eyes narrowing as your hands balled into fists beside your thighs. You’d had enough. Enough was enough.

Cecilia just smiled her fake smile and smirked at you. She was brewing something up under those fake eyelashes she had plastered to her eyes. You just knew it. She was always stirring up trouble. “Oh, I was just asking Pierre about your… what was he again? Maintenance man, I guess?” she snared her teeth at you and smirked, eyes locking on yours.

“He’s no concern of yours, Cecilia. Drop it,” you snapped, your teeth bared at her pathetic smile.

“Drop it? What for? You didn’t give us any juicy details. What’s he like, huh? When he fucks you…”

You pushed yourself off the bench and snarled at her, silencing her before she could finish her sentence. “Shut up! Just stop!” you screamed, face hot as you could feel your face become red and agitated underneath your building anger. Calm down, just calm down.

“Why don’t you make me, huh? Come on now, don’t be shy. Let me have it,” she egged on, trying to coax some violence out of you. That’s what she wanted, that’s what she always wanted. She wanted you out of the show so she could take your place. She could try all she wanted, but you wouldn’t dare let her have it. Not that conniving bitch. Not a chance.

You just stood in place, feet locked to the floor as your chest heaved against you, a thunder storm brewing inside your racing heart. She’s not worth it, she’s not worth it. You bit your tongue and held back what you really wanted to say. It wasn’t worth the risk, not at all.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Didn’t think you had it in you, little swan,” she mocked as Pierre and her shared a laugh, cackling to each other in pure joy. It made you sick. They made you sick.

Pierre whispered something in her ear, and her eyes went wide in delight. She pursed her lips and giggled, nodding her head as she stared at you in victorious glee. They were planning something scandalous. You just knew by the way they were whispering and stealing glances at you.

You gulped as a sharp tug pulled at your insides. The way she was looking all mischievous and snarky had your vocal cords all tied up and scratchy. You knew she was up to no good, you knew. So when she snuck off the back of the stage and made her way to the front of the auditorium doors, you silently followed behind. Watching, waiting, wondering what the hell she was up to.

She went through the doors, and you watched them close with a bang. Slowly but carefully you opened the door seconds later, sliding around a hidden corner and peeking your head out of the shadows. When you caught sight of her, your heart stopped dead in your chest. Your pupils blew out as your head started spinning. She was walking up to Joel, sauntering up to him in a flirtatious way as she swayed her curvy hips from side to side, hiking her skirt up even more so her ass hung out of her tiny leotard.

She wouldn’t fucking dare. But she would, she would. Joel. Would Joel entertain her? Surely not. He wouldn’t… right?

You couldn’t move, couldn’t speak as your legs shook like melted jello underneath you. Your anxiety started racing, the loud ringing vibrating through your ear canals. Not now, not now! You shook your head and pulled your focus back to the empty foyer. The only two people standing there made the room feel smaller, made it feel like the walls were caving in around you. And you felt like you’d be crushed to nothing at any second.

You gripped the wall and tried not to black out from the room that was spinning. You couldn’t. Not yet. You had to see this. You had to be sure he wouldn’t betray you like that. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t. You knew him so well, probably better than anyone else now. He wouldn’t do that to you. He wouldn’t.

She cleared her throat and smiled sweetly at Joel as he was bent over, scaling the wall, looking intently at something he was fixing. His eyes shot up at her muffled breath and he slowly stood, his eyes furrowing together into question.

“Can I help you?” he asked in a confused tone, his eyes never straying down her body.

“You sure can,” she purred as she bit the end of her lower lip seductively, staring at him with big flirtatious eyes. You’d like to walk up to her and strangle her right about now. But you waited. You needed to see what he’d do. You just had to.

“Ummm, okay? Is somethin’ broken in the auditorium?” he asked as he scratched his head, his tone serious and face stonelike.

She shook her head. “No, nothing’s broken,” she giggled, twirling a loose curl around her index finger as she stuck out of her hip, jutting her breasts out more.

That fucking bitch. Your tongue tasted like pure venom, full of spite and fluid that ripped at your insides. You wanted to pull her to the ground and claw her eyes out. You hated her, you hated her.

“Then why are you talkin’ to me?” he asked with an irritated tone in his voice. He wasn’t playing her sick, twisted game. He was starting to catch on.

“You see, I’ve got these really tight hips and I would love to get them stretched out,” she purred, reaching out her long, spindly fingers to him. He stepped back out of her reach appalled.

“Sounds like a you problem. Should probably get that fixed yourself,” he spat, clenching his jaw as you saw irritation flash through his dark eyes.

“Come on. I know you want to. Help a girl out? Promise I’ll make it worth your while,” she giggled, grazing her hand against his forearm, right where the bundled veins gathered around his tan skin, lapping over his massive hands. The sight made you sick. You felt like you were about to spill your guts and vomit right on the polished floor. No, no, no.

He pulled out of her grasp and glared daggers into her eyes. “Don’t touch me,” he barked, moving his arm out of her reach. “Back off. Now leave. I have work to do.” He started to turn away, but she made a move again. Reaching out her dirty paws, she tried her luck again.

“Oh, come onnnnn. I mean. You’re kinda hot. Think you’d wanna…”

“Cecilia!” Your voice came out sharp, clipped, like a galant sword about to take her down. You stepped out of the shadows and stomped her way, moving in between the two of them so you could glare knives into her glowing eyes. “Don’t,” you warned, narrowing your eyes so tight that you could barely see her flashy smile that was beaming your way.

“Oh, don’t take it so hard, little swan,” she teased, smirking your way. “I was only having a little fun.” She crossed her arms and taunted you, her green eyes searing into your vision.

“Having fun?” you laughed, hatred clear in your tone. “You knew what you were doing. You fucking knew,” you snapped. It’s like your temper cracked in half and all your built up anger rose to your throat. It burned like fire, and you wanted to spit it back out at her and watch it burn her alive.

“Maybe I did know. Just wanted to see what would happen is all,” she sneered, her smirk returning in full force as she challenged you with her fake press-on pink nails and her balmy lip gloss that you wanted to wipe right off her face.

The more she stared and the more she smirked, the more heated you got. You were snarling with wide eyes and bared teeth. She gave you that mischievous smile and that was it. You were going to fucking kill her.

You jumped out at her with full force and let a loud roar rip through your chest as you let all your built up frustration let loose. She stepped back out of your reach, and Joel grabbed you around the waist before you could get to her. You tried to pull out of his tight hold, but his grasp was too strong. You weren’t going anywhere. He pulled you against his broad chest and tried to soothe you over.

“Hey, hey, hey, calm down. That’s what she wants. She wants to get a reaction out of you. She wants you to lash out at her,” Joel urged with a loud, gravely voice. His biceps pulled tight around you as he clung to you, making sure you didn’t do something you’d regret later. You tried once more to free yourself, but you gave up. He was right. This is what she wanted. She wanted to get you kicked out of the ballet. She wanted to ruin your life. And you wouldn’t let that happen.

“Cecilia, if you ever try anything like that again I’ll…”

She cut you off as she held up her fresh manicured hand, dusting it off on her black leotard as she smirked again. “You’ll do what? Go cry to Carlotta about it? Like she’ll do anything. The old hag can barely keep track of all her dancers,” she laughed out, a sinister smile spreading across her plump lips.

“Get the fuck out of here,” Joel growled, arms still pressed against your ribcage as he held you in place, your heart beating wildly against his forearm.

“No, I don’t think so,” she glared, her lips pressed in a tight line as if she were challenging you all over again. You’d had enough of her. You wanted her gone, now.

“Just leave me alone!” you shouted, tears licking at the backs of your eyes as you felt the frustration breaking inside you.

“No,” she said sharply, her pointe shoe stomping down as if to stand her ground. She was pathetic, a royal pain in your ass.

“Did you not hear what I said? I said get the fuck out of here. Now!” Joel barked, his eyes growing cold and sharp as he stared at her, demanding her to leave.

“No, I-”

Joel’s icy words shut her up quick. “If you don’t go back into that auditorium now and leave her alone, then I’m gonna have words with your instructor. You see, you kept pursuing me when I said to back off. You put your hands on me when I specifically told you no. That can be passed as sexual harassment. Do you really want me to go in there and lay out exactly what happened for Carlotta?”

Your eyes grew wide at what he was insinuating. That’d get her kicked out of the show. Unless Carlotta didn’t believe him or care. She probably wouldn’t care, but still. Oh my God.

Her scowl grew a mile long on her face as her green eyes became red and enraged. “You wouldn’t dare. You don’t have proof. You don’t have-”

“I have proof enough and I have a witness,” he said with bared teeth. She just crossed her arms over her chest and stared wide-eyed. “So I suggest you turn around and walk back through those doors and never try to mess with my girl or me again,” he growled possessively, his deep voice like knives as they cut into her.

She just scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Fine. Whatever. What makes her so fucking special though, huh?” she asked as she jutted her chin out and dragged her tongue across her top teeth.

“Everything,” he answered, his voice coming out not as harsh that time, but it was aggressive, unhesitant.

Everything? Oh. Your eyes went wide and your muscles relaxed against his hold. He thought everything was special about you? Oh. Oh my…

“Whatever. I’m out of here,” she spat as she turned around and walked back through the auditorium doors, watching them snap shut with a bang behind her.

You stood there for a minute, staring at the unmoving heavy door as it stood closed before you, waiting for your breath to catch again. Joel turned you around to face him and dropped his tight hold on you. “What the fuck was that all about? I mean, Christ. First Pierre, now her?” he asked with wild eyes, his hands digging into the pockets of his dark jeans as he sighed and shook his head.

“She likes to get a rise out of me. Pierre pushed her to do it. I saw them whispering in each other’s ears and stared at me the entire time. I just didn’t know what they were planning. I didn’t know they were going to bring you into the middle of all this,” you sputtered out as you threw your hands in the air and slapped them back down against your thighs as the clap sounded through the empty foyer with high ceilings and sky high windows as the sun beamed through them.

“She’s jus’ jealous of you, sweetheart. Seems like she wants to take everything that’s yours just because she can’t have it,” he acknowledged with bared teeth, his caramel eyes swirling with anger as he talked about her.

“Sounds about right,” you muttered, eyes focusing on the shiny white tile.

“Is everyone here just batshit crazy? Why can’t they jus’ leave you alone?” he snarled as his eyebrows furrowed, pushing back the locks of his tousled curls.

“Because that’d be too easy,” you said clipped, clenching your jaw around nothing.

“I’m gonna go in there right now and give them a piece of my mind,” he spat as he tried to push past you, but you got in front of him and held a hand to his broad chest to stop him.

“No, don’t. It’s fine. You’ve done enough. I’m the reason why you’re in the middle of all of this. Me. I don’t want you to be dragged into anymore drama. I already feel bad enough.” Your eyes locked on his as he held your stare and placed a hand gently down on yours that was still locked on his chest.

“Don’t feel bad, sweetheart. This wasn’t any of your doing. It was theirs,” he growled, flicking his eyes harshly to the closed auditorium doors as he looked back at you with softer features. “Let me take care of this.”

Let me take care of this. He always took care of you, always. You couldn’t let him take on anymore of the theater shit. It was on your shoulders, not his. And right now you felt like nothing but a massive burden that was weighing him down.

You froze in the spot you stood in and widened your eyes at the realization. Burden. You were being a burden to Joel. You didn’t want that. You didn’t fucking want to be a burden to anyone, especially not him. He was too good for you, he always took care of things. So when was it your turn to take those burdens from him? When was it time to stop piling problems on him that were all made from a company that was supposed to be your dream job?!

“No,” you stated harshly. He looked down at you and knit his eyebrows together, giving you those concerned molasses honey eyes that made you weak at the knees. Not those eyes. God, anything but those eyes. “Just, don’t do that.”

“Why not?” he asked as he guided his other hand down to your wrist, stroking his calloused thumb against the edge of your skin as he tried to soothe you over.

“Because…because…” You paused a moment and then whispered under your breath. “I’m a burden.”

“What did you say?” he asked with a shocked expression, eyes wide at what he thought you said.

“I’m being a burden, Joel,” you said louder, your voice echoing across the empty foyer walls and vibrating back to you as you looked at the polished floor, your eyes fading just a little.

“Hey, look at me.” He grabbed your chin and pulled your eyes up to his. His breathing came out more ragged and concentrated as he stared at you, brown eyes searing into yours. “Don’t you dare ever call yourself a burden again. You’re not one at all.”

You shook your head no, so he put his massive hands on your shoulders and focused right on you, never leaving your eyes. “Hey, c’mon. Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinkin’,” he said more gently, one hand coming to cup your cheek as tears threatened to spill at any second.

You could feel the anxiety bubbling up inside you, could feel your insides screaming at you as they taunted you. Burden, burden, burden. That’s all you’ll ever be to him. You shook your head of the thoughts, but they kept coming, attacking unseen as they picked apart your mind. You’re no good for him. You’re a burden, you’re drama, you’re fragile. He doesn’t want that, he doesn’t need that.

You felt yourself start to tear apart piece by little piece. Every scrap of skin felt on fire as the voices of anxiety screamed at you. You couldn’t do this right now. You needed to get out of here. You needed to be alone, you needed to run.

You pulled away slowly from Joel, but he caught your wrist and found your glassy eyes as they stared past him, trying not to think of him because you were about to lose it. “Hey, sunshine. Baby,” he reached out and skimmed your jawline with the edge of his fingers. It felt like fire that just burned your skin raw. You couldn’t do this right now. You just couldn’t.

“Don’t,” you said quietly as you pulled again. His grip didn’t budge. He kept you locked to his hand.

“Don’t what? Talk to me. Please, baby. Let me in,” he pleaded as his eyes glazed over into pools of sadness.

Oh God, why did you have to see that.

“Please, Joel. Just let me go,” you begged, tears licking at your waterline as his face became a bit blurry.

“No. I’m not gonna let you go. Just talk to me,” he pressed, eyes searching yours for anything he could pick up on.

“I just, I…” You lost your words as the guilt started eating you alive. Burden, burden, burden. Your chest became tight, and it felt like you were being suffocated inside your tight leotard. The room felt like it was spinning as your eyesight went in and out, black vision to normal vision. It was awful how you were feeling. You were feeling everything at once and you were overstimulated and it was just too much. It was too much.

“Baby, please,” he begged. And when you looked back up at him it hit you like a thick brick wall. His watering eyes shot a hole right into the center of your chest. You could physically feel the pain throbbing around you as he looked at you with those longing, searching eyes. He looked so sad. So sad.

“Joel…I…” you pulled your hand from his, slowly. So painfully slow. And he let you this time. He didn’t try to stop you. When you grazed your fingers against his fingertips and finally dropped your hand from his warmth, the room went ice cold. And it felt like you lost him right then and there.

You bit your tongue and pulled yourself together just enough to walk towards the auditorium door, every step further from Joel feeling like straight glass cutting through your feet. It was painful, excruciating. But you needed to be alone. You needed to breathe. But it felt like you were drowning without his touch, suffocating on your own words as your mouth filled with water and took you down. The voices in your head were too loud, too much. You needed silence, you needed peace.

You put your hand on the cold metal handle, and before you went through the door Joel said your name slowly, a mere gentle whisper. And it sounded like a voice that was full of pain and suffering. You bit your bottom lip and worked up enough courage to look him in the eyes again. It was a mistake. God, it was a mistake. His jaw was clenched and his hands were in fists at his side, and his brown eyes looked like big puppy dog eyes. Staring at its owner as they left him all alone in an empty house, solely alone.

You felt a wet tear fall against your cheek and quickly wiped it off. Joel took a step forward when he saw you brush a tear away, but you held out a hand and stopped him. “Please, Joel. Just leave me alone. I need to…I need to go back in…”

“Stay,” he pleaded, a hushed whisper that glided across the room and brushed against the tip of your ear.

“I can’t…I have to go. Just, please. I…I need some air.” Before you looked back at him, you pushed the door open and ran through the shadows to your tiny dressing room, brushing up against the velvet walls as you nearly tripped up the stage steps and zoomed past all the dancers. When you reached your dressing room, you grabbed up your iPhone and sprinted out the side theater door.

You crashed through the metal door and flung yourself against the cold brick wall as you slowly melted into the ground, bringing the phone up to your face to unlock it. You quickly found your mom’s name in your contacts and pushed call. You needed to hear her soothing voice now. You needed your mom. You needed to know everything was going to be fine. But it wasn’t. It simply wasn’t.

You slumped your head against the hard bricks and listened to the dial tone as it repeatedly rang. Come on, pick up. Please, pick up. You needed familiarity, you needed comfort, you needed your mom.

On the seventh ring, she finally picked up and you blew out the breath you had been holding in. “Hi, sweetheart! It’s so good to hear from you. I wasn’t expecting you to call so early in the day. What’s up, sweetie? How is everything in New York? Are you having such an incredible time?” she asked excitedly as her high pitched voice filled the end of the line.

No, no it wasn’t fine. Nothing was fine. “Hey, mom,” you said in a shaky breath. “Everything is…well, it’s…” Your voice cut off as you choked back a sob.

“Hun, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she asked in a worried rush of words. You could hear that protective mother instinct kick in, and it still didn’t bring you any peace.

“I’m…” your voice broke as you choked out a gasp. “No, I’m not okay,” you balled, tears breaking as they streamed down your face in a blur. You wiped at your eyes and saw the mascara and eyeliner rub off on your hand, forgetting you even had makeup on. You didn’t care if your makeup was ruined, you didn’t care if eyeliner was streaked under your eyes. You were broken, so very broken.

You didn’t get into the thick of it, but you told her enough. You told her what was bothering you and what was happening. You didn’t mention Joel, not once saying you met someone. The mere thought of him made you cry harder, and it felt like your heart actually shattered into a million pieces. Joel…

“Mom, I want to come home,” you cried into the phone speaker, tears sticking to your thick eyelashes as your vision was completely blurred over. You could hear her on the end of the line saying your name and calling you honey as she tried to calm you down. But it didn’t help. Nothing helped.

You stayed on the line with her for ten minutes and then decided it was time to hang up. You had to go back in. Carlotta would be looking for you right about now. So you said your goodbyes to your mom, and she assured you she’d be in touch later to check on you. When you hung up the phone, you pulled your camera up and cringed at the mess that was displayed in the screen. Black streaks smeared under your eyes. You looked exactly like the black swan, felt like the black swan. You were the black swan. You felt it in your hollow bones. You were weak, fragile, consumed by darkness, and you felt completely isolated and alone right now.

You wiped the smeared makeup away and sucked in the last tears that stung your eyes. You pulled yourself up from the cold ground and headed back inside to your demise. Your cage that liked to trap lone swans.

“There you are! Come on now. You’re up. Take your position, black swan. It’s time for your duet with Pierre,” Carlotta yelled as she clapped her hands and pointed at you to take your position.

As you got into position, you looked up at Pierre on the opposite side of the stage as you and watched his cruel smirk flash your way. All you felt was hollow and bruised inside. You had no more emotions to run through today. You were finished, dead inside like a tree that had just been ripped from its roots. Automatically dying on the spot.

When the music began, you ran through the routine like a puppet attached to a short string. There was no fighting, no bickering, just silence. You had no more words to speak today. You were battered and bruised, and there could be nothing else done. Absolutely nothing. You just wanted to go back to your apartment and go to sleep. Sleep away the pain of the day.

You went through the rest of rehearsal quietly, just doing as you were told. You didn’t argue with anyone, didn’t flinch when they said jump higher or spin tighter. You just did it without a fuss. Just like a robot would.

You could feel Joel’s dark eyes burning holes through your skull throughout the rest of practice. You didn’t look up, didn’t seek out his eyes. You just ignored the call. That drawn out reaching call that you longed to take.

Joel. Joel. Joel.

You wanted him. You wanted him so goddamn bad, but the voices were screaming at you that you weren't good enough for him. They were taunting you and screeching at you through your racing mind. You’re no good for him, you’re just a burden. He doesn’t want to be with a burden, he doesn’t want to be weighed down by you. Let him go, let him go.

You tossed the voices out of your head and silenced your mind. You couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t right now. Not with the anxiety pumping. Not with the mess you had to deal with today. So when practice finally got over, you slipped out the back and didn't seek out Joel. You just walked to your apartment alone, back to your lonely walls. But you didn’t want to be there. Not really. You wanted to go home. You needed to go back home.

Home. It was the only place you wanted to be right now. And that was away from New York. Away from it all.

When you finally reached your apartment and barged through the door, you took a long, hot shower and let the scalding water run down your back until you couldn’t feel anything. Your thoughts were numb, but they kept returning to Joel.

Joel, Joel, Joel.

You wanted him, needed him, but you couldn’t reach out. You didn’t have the energy, nor the strength. So after your shower, you just tucked yourself into the warm bed and let the cotton sheets envelop your tired body. You heard your phone buzz over and over again, the vibrations reaching all the way into your tight chest. But you just let it ring as it sat face down on your little sky blue nightstand, waiting for the light hum of the phone to go mute.

After endless minutes of diminishing buzzing and missed calls, you faded off into a deep sleep. Away from the pain, away from the racing anxiety, away from the deep black hole you were stuck in. And when you dreamed, you dreamed of white sandy beaches and shiny clear ocean water. You dreamed of home. That’s where you wanted to be, needed to be. So that’s where you’d go.

Joel barely got a wink of sleep that night. He was either pacing mindlessly around his house, staring at a blank phone screen or worrying sick about you as his mind raced frantically. You didn’t pick up the phone, wouldn’t look at him, didn’t say a word when you left the theater. And now all he could think was you were slipping away from him, just like the moment you gradually pulled away from his fingers as you walked back into the auditorium without a mere glance back at him. That’s what it felt like. Complete loss, like he was missing pieces of his beating heart that had your name scraped into the pumping veins in his chest.

The next morning he waited for you outside the theater doors, but you didn’t come. He kept glancing at his black military watch, but you were half an hour late. You were never late, and that made worry seep into his thick skull. He dialed your number, but it just rang endlessly and finally went to voicemail.

He hung up the phone and shoved it into the front pocket of his jeans, pushing the doors open as he raced into the auditorium. Maybe you snuck in from the side doors, maybe you got there earlier than he did. He was just wishful thinking, but it was better than thinking the alternative, that you weren’t coming.

Carlotta sat at the front of the auditorium like she usually did, lounging in a plush crimson seat as she yelled at the other dancers. “Where is my swan?!” she screamed as she threw her arms over her head, shaking her auburn ponytail in annoyance. The sound of her voice made Joel shake in rage as he fisted his hands at his sides and almost broke a blood vessel as he walked up to her with a deep snarl cut across his mouth.

“Have any of you heard from her?” she yelled at the dancers, but none of them shook their head yes. “We don’t have time for this! Let me check my phone.” She pulled her phone out and searched through her notifications. Her face turned to shock as she put a hand dramatically against her forehead. “Sick?! She’s sick! We don’t have time for sick days,” she whined, letting out a deep sigh of unapproval. It made Joel even more angry.

He walked up to her aggressively as he stomped his boots and halted right in front of her, glaring at her with dark, unfriendly eyes. She jumped in fright and put her hand on her chest as her long red fingernails dug into her pressed white dress. “Oh, you scared me! I didn’t see you standing there. Where is she? Have you heard from her?” she demanded as her red lips pursed together in a tight seal.

“I know as much as you do. I haven’t heard from her since yesterday. You said she told you she’s sick?” Joel asked with a raised brow.

“That’s what I just read,” she huffed, throwing her phone back in her Coach purse. “I don’t care if she’s sick. She needs to be here,” she demanded, her heels stomping into the polished floor.

“Jesus Christ, give her a break! She’s completely worn out. She’s overworked. Do you know how stressed she’s been lately?” he vocalized with a raised voice and a deep growl in his chest.

“Overworked? Stressed? She looks fine to me,” she said as she rolled her eyes and shook her head with agitation.

“That’s because you don’t check to see how she’s feeling! Maybe if you paid more attention to your dancers then you’d see she’s fucking drowning!” he yelled with his voice bouncing off the walls. All the dancers stopped what they were doing and focused in on the heated conversation going on. He didn’t care. All he cared about was getting his point across. Carlotta would listen to him, whether she wanted to or not.

Her eyes were wide-eyed as she stared up at him, her cheeks flushed as her mouth gaped open in surprise. “What are you talking about? Of course I pay attention to my dancers.”

He crossed his arms across the button-up denim shirt and clenched his jaw before he lost control of his growing temper. “Oh, really? Then you know everyone is against her in this theater? That Pierre and Cecilia won’t leave her alone for one goddamn day? You know that she’s been so fuckin’ stressed and anxious that she’s had continuous breakdowns about even being here? Because no one seems to care how she’s feelin’ but me!” His voice echoed around the auditorium as his flared eyes shot daggers right back at her. Her mouth opened wide as she looked like someone just turned on a dusty lightbulb inside her nonchalant mind. And that was good because maybe now she’d realize just what she did to you.

“I suggest you start treating your lead dancer with more respect and not working her to death. You’re gonna destroy her before she even gets to opening night. And as for your dancers, tell them to fuckin’ stop giving her a hard time. Especially Pierre and Cecilia. If you even halfway listened to her instead of being stuck in your own thick head, you would’ve noticed all the shit they were doing to her! So next time, listen to her when she’s desperately trying to get your attention and do something about the situation!”

Her eyes went wide as something snapped into place inside her. Her eyebrows furrowed together as she looked at the stage and back at Joel. Maybe he finally got her to open her eyes and hear what you were trying to tell her all along. Maybe he struck a nerve that opened up that empty mind of hers. She didn’t turn around when he started walking to the auditorium doors, but he heard her call Pierre and Cecilia’s voice impatiently. He didn’t wait to hear what was said, he just kept on walking out of that toxic room, leaving behind more drama that was ready to unfold.

Joel was tempted to run to her apartment, pound on the door until you opened up so he could crash his body into yours. He wanted you to know it was going to be okay. He needed you to know you weren’t alone and never would be. He needed you to know how goddamn much he cared about you. He needed you to know you were now his world and that he’d never let you go. Never, ever. But he kept himself from running to you. He just kept his distance for today. You’d reach out if you really needed him. You needed space, time. But he didn’t want to give that to you. He was selfish and wanted you all to himself. He wanted to make it all better, to take away all the pain.

He sighed and ran a hand through his wind blown curls and took a deep breath, focusing on slowing down his racing heart. One day, just one more day and then he’d go to you. If you weren’t here in the morning, he’d go find you. And when he did, he would never let you go again.

You kept your phone turned over most of the day, only clicking it on to let Carlotta know you wouldn’t be in today, that you were sick. You weren’t really sick though. You just needed a mental break, to think about what you were going to do. You needed time, you needed to get away. You needed a quiet mind, but you were screaming on the inside. Trying to claw your way out of your racing thoughts as you sat in your small vacant apartment, picking apart your mind.

All the missed calls and texts from Joel didn’t help you one bit. Six missed calls and three text messages since yesterday.

Where are you?

Are you alright?

Sunshine, talk to me. Please, let me know you’re alright.

The last one made you shiver with guilt and made your eyes burn with tears.

Joel, Joel, Joel. Fuck!

You crawled your way out of bed and forced yourself to eat some yogurt and get dressed, throwing on some yoga pants and a teal colored Florida hoodie.

You dragged your tired legs into the bathroom and switched the light on, squinting your eyes at the harsh yellow light that lit the room up in warm colors. You cringed at your swollen eyes and puffy lips as you spent hours crying into your pillow the night before. You washed your face and brushed your teeth as you let the minty taste wash down your throat, trying to bring some life back into your aching body. You brushed out your thick hair and threw on some eyeliner to deter the look of your puffed up eyes.

You couldn’t stay caged in this cold room anymore. You needed to get out. You needed to free your internal thoughts before you went crazy. So you grabbed your keys and phone and headed out the door, taking in the fresh air as you slipped into the cool autumn breeze. You walked for miles it seemed, only to end up sitting at a little park that overlooked a duck pond as water lilies sat scattered across the shimmering water.

You let your mind wonder as you sat there, focusing on keeping deep breaths and your head cleared. You lost track of time and forgot your phone was even in your pocket. You pulled it out and looked at the time. 5:00 pm and no new calls or texts. Only the ones you left unanswered from earlier.

Joel’s messages popped up again, and you couldn’t quite shake the guilt of leaving him waiting. He was probably worried sick about you, probably going stir crazy as he paced his house or the theater. Probably looked all over for you today, hoping he’d see you that morning. The guilt ate at your stomach, twisting it around into a bundle of yarn as it tugged at you, pulling you back into anxious thoughts.

Sunshine, talk to me. Please, let me know you’re alright.

Sunshine, sunshine, sunshine.

You squeezed your eyes tight as the name pulled at your heartstrings, eliciting feelings out of you that you wanted to keep down. You were bad for him, a burden, a sickness that would only infect him. But that wasn’t really true. It was your anxiety lying to you. It was the sharp tongued serpent that fed you lies and shot venom into your bloodstream. It was a disease that festered in your mind until you could do nothing but listen to the poison that consumed your mind. But this time you wouldn’t. No. You wouldn’t listen. You’d force them out if it was the last thing you did.

Sunshine, come back. Come back…

You swear you could hear his southern drawl calling you, singing you a gentle tune as his sweet voice tried guiding you back to him. Back to his arms. Back to where you felt most at home. And the more you stared at his name in your phone, the more you wanted him. The more you needed him.

A tightness in your chest squeezed at your insides as you ached for him. Every bone carving his name into the tendons as you physically, truly ached for him. You longed for him, burned for him. And you needed him. You needed him more than you needed air to breathe. He was your oxygen, your fresh air, your everything. And you lo…

You loved him.

And that’s when you ran. You ran as fast as your legs could carry you. You didn’t know how far it was from here, didn’t even care how long it’d take. But you’d continue running until you got to his doorstep, wouldn’t stop till you were back in his arms where you belonged.

You crossed the busy intersection as a taxi slammed on its horn, nearly missing you by a few feet. You didn't stop to apologize, you just kept going. You brushed shoulders and ran into strangers on the crowded sidewalk. Some yelled back at you, some stopped and stared, but you kept pressing on, not wasting a second until you were standing on his doorstep with him.

Your lungs felt like they were on fire, and you could feel your legs going numb underneath you. But you wouldn’t stop, not till you made it back to him. Your tears licked at the back of your eyes as you thought of the way you left him yesterday, letting your anxious thoughts get the best of you. You had made a mistake, that’s not what you wanted. You wanted him and only him, and you just hoped you weren’t too late. You prayed he’d welcome you back with open arms. You needed him, you needed him.

Joel, Joel, Joel. Your other half, your guiding light, the one that set your soul on fire. It was Joel, it was always Joel. “I’m coming, Joel. I’m coming back to you,” you whispered into the cold air as your throat caught fire.

You rounded the corner and instantly saw Joel’s Chevy sitting parked up against the curb. He’s here, he’s here. You could feel him as much as you could feel your racing heartbeat against your ribcage. You sprinted over to his concrete steps out of breath and climbed them, grasping the railing tight as you knelt over and caught your breath. Your breaths were shallow and ragged and it felt like you had gotten the wind knocked out of your body.

You gripped the railing tightly and your knuckles turned white as you stared at the large door ahead of you with the frayed welcome mat covering the front step. Joel. You imagined him pacing the floor unevenly as he stared at his phone, waiting for you to call back. The thought of it nearly took you out as you stumbled toward the front door.

After finally catching your breath, you gulped down some invisible liquid courage and nodded. This was it. This was the moment that would put your anxious thoughts to bed. You were about to find out if he really thought you were a burden or not.

You slowly lifted your arm and knocked twice on the sturdy door, making sure the force was just enough to be loud and sharp. You heard some rustling around in the house, and it didn’t take him long before he was unlocking the door and pulling it open frantically as his form came into view.

His eyes went wide, and he let out the loudest sigh you’d ever heard come out of his mouth, like he was relieved to see you. But behind his eyes looked a whole lot like pain. Behind those beautiful honey colored eyes. He said your name slowly, the southern accent getting stuck on your syllables as his voice came out smooth and silky against your name. The sound alone was enough to bring tears to your eyes. And you felt them then. You felt the wave of tears lick the backs of your eyes as they swelled up to your waterline, threatening to break at any moment.

You gulped and stared up into those mesmerizing brown eyes, feeling your bottom lip quiver as you tried to say something, anything. But you were frozen in place, your anxious thoughts coursing through you like a rush of pure adrenaline. You left him, you left him. Your fault, your fault.

“Joel, I… I’m so… I’m s-sorry, I…” Your composure broke in two as you felt the hot tears run down your face, blurring your vision so you could barely see his slack jaw and watering eyes.

“Oh, sunshine. Baby. C’mere,” he drawled as he crashed against your body and pulled you into his broad chest, enveloping his arms strongly against your back as one hand went to cradle the back of your head. You snaked your arms around him and crushed your face to his chest, letting the hot tears wash over his button-up denim shirt.

You cried harder, sinking as far into him as you could, and he just held onto you tighter as he rested his chin on the top of your head. “Shhh it’s okay, baby. I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” he cooed, digging his fingers through your hair as he held you as tight as he could.

He picked you up bridal style and carried you to the couch safely. Your muffled sobs got strangled as you buried yourself in his chest, and he just pulled you closer when he sat back against the velvet cushions. “S’alright now, you’re safe,” he soothed as he ran a hand through your locks, feeling a blanket of comfort cover you as he held you tightly in his arms.

You wiped hot tears from your eyes off on your hoodie and looked up at Joel with a quivering lip as you spoke slowly. “I… I’m sorry I didn’t call and that I ran out. I was just so… I was being a burden and…”

“Shhhh,” he whispered as he cupped your chin and wiped a falling tear away with the pad of his thumb, bringing it down your jaw as he trailed it slowly. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Ya don’t have to apologize. S’alright. And you’re not a burden. Not at all,” he said as he shook his head lightly, his eyes gazing down at yours with a look of serenity washing over you slowly.

“That’s how I feel though. Like I’m just a problem and…”

He put his index finger up against your faded chapstick and silenced you from finishing your sentence. “You’re not a problem, sweetheart. You were never the problem. Trust me when I say you’re not a burden. You’re so much more than that. So much,” he said gently as he grazed the tip of his finger against your bottom lip, pulling his eyes down to your lips as he contemplated his options. He looked back up into your eyes and smiled gently, letting his other hand graze your back as he soothed you, pulling you into that calm place that you wanted to be in again.

“You’re… you’re so good to me, Joel. I… I don’t deserve you,” you blubbered with tears stinging at the backs of your eyes, your vision going blurry again.

“No. It’s you I don’t deserve. You’re such an angel, my sweet girl,” he murmured with a soft kiss as he pressed his lips to your forehead and pulled you back into his chest, running his thick fingers down your hair and your back as you melted into his touch.

Joel. Joel. Joel. He was the one, he was the one.

He cradled you on his lap for a few minutes as he just held you, soothing you gently as he placed gentle kisses to the top of your head and ran his calloused fingers up and down your arms. It was like a piece of heaven that was made just for you.

You started shivering against him as the cold from outside returned in full force. You could feel it down to your bones as the adrenaline finally tapered off. Joel noticed immediately and reacted just like you knew he would.

“Hey, you alright? You’re shaking so much. You cold, sweetheart?” he asked with concern expanding across his honey eyes.

“Yeah, I guess I stayed out a lot longer than I thought. Didn’t realize how cold it was,” you said, shaking in his arms.

“Well, c’mon. Let’s get you in the tub. I’ll put on some warm water for you.” He moved you gently out of his lap and pulled you up with him, leading you into the lit up bathroom as the smell of lavender and bath soap filled the air.

He grabbed some fresh towels and placed a pile of clean clothes against the edge of the counter. Wasting no time, he started filling the large jetted tub with warm water as you heard the water rush to life from the pipes. He placed his hand in every few seconds to test the water temperature, and when it was to his liking he nodded.

“Alright, sunshine. Water’s all ready for ya. I’ll get out of your hair so you can relax a little.”

Before he passed you by, you reached out and grabbed his wrist, stopping him from moving any further. “Will you stay with me?” you asked quietly, not wanting him to leave you alone.

He slowly turned and looked at you with gentle eyes, his tan skin beaming against the fluorescent bathroom lights. “‘Course, sweetheart. Whatever you need,” he nodded, gently smiling down at you.

You quickly got undressed, throwing your clothes in a pile beneath the sink as you slipped into the tub, letting the hot water soothe your aching bones as you sat down into the steaming water.

Joel kept his distance, training his eyes on you as he watched you grab the plush washcloth and soak it under the water, grabbing the soap bar from the edge of the tub. Your eyes kept flicking up to his as he watched you while he leaned up against the sink, crossing his arms over his chest, breathing slowly as he kept his focus on you.

There was something in the way he was looking at you. Just a small tug in your chest that told you he really cared about you, that he wanted you to be okay. He was there to make sure you had everything you needed. But one thing was missing and that was him being in the tub with you.

You fluttered your eyelashes up at him as you shifted in the tub, feeling the warm water splash around your breasts. “Joel?” you asked shakily.

“Hmm?”

“Do you… will you come take a bath with me?” you asked nervously as you tugged a loose lock behind your ear as your eyes shot up to meet his.

His face relaxed into a small smile as he pulled off his watch and took a couple steps your way. “‘Course I will, baby. Scoot up for me.” He pulled his button-up off quickly. His jeans and briefs following next as he climbed into the tub behind you, pulling you close to his broad chest as he circled his arms around you and reached for your washcloth, lathering soap onto the damp material.

You relaxed into him as he washed your back gently, dragging the material over the length of you as you groaned at the feeling of his calloused hands and light touch all over you. You did the same for him, gliding the soapy washcloth over the wingspan of his back, pulling it down his muscled chest as you grazed your lips over his, sealing the distance as you climbed into his lap and let your body sink against him.

He held you close as his hand ran up and down your back in slow circles, placing tender kisses against your lips, your jawline, your neck. He was being so gentle with you, so soft, so… loving.

There was that word again. Love. God, you loved him. You loved him so painfully much. You could feel it in the room, feel it in the air, feel it on his breath as it crashed against yours when your lips slotted against his. You could feel it in his hands, feel it on the tip of his tongue, taste it in your mouth. It was like floating in air with a warm, gentle breeze blowing through your hair in the middle of a summer day. It was like fire. Hot, burning, passionate as it simmered through your body, unfaltering and never burning out. And you could feel it coming off him as well, that hot fire that was calling your name.

“Joel?” you asked quietly as you trailed your fingers through his patchy scruff, feeling your heart hammering against your chest as the blood rushed through your veins.

“Yeah?” he asked as he looked down into your face, those big doe eyes gazing back at you as the breath was taken from you. He was so beautiful, so devastatingly beautiful.

“I love you…” you whispered, hearing your voice echo around the room as he let out a gentle sigh, his eyes melting into syrup as he looked at you with pure love in his eyes. You’d never seen him look at you like that before. His face in pure bliss and contentment as he ran his calloused fingers against your jawline.

“Oh, sunshine. My sweet girl. I’ve loved you since the first day I met you,” he breathed out, his face beaming as he smiled down at you and let a soft chuckle out. “They always say a man knows when he’s found the one. I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. This aching feeling that pulled me toward you. And I’m so glad I listened to my gut because it was right. I knew all along.”

You choked back tears and looked up at him with the most sincere gaze you had ever given anyone before. This was real, this was really happening. He loved you, he loved you. You wrapped your arms around his neck and crashed your lips against his as you melted into him. The kiss was slow, soft, romantic. A kiss that was screaming love as it poured out of you and enveloped all of him. This was it. You were in love, and he loved you too. So, so much.

After the bath and your love confessions, he wrapped you in a warm towel and helped you dry off, getting all the beads of dripping water off your body. You pulled on one of his long red flannel shirts and crawled into his soft bed where he gathered you against his chest and brought the fleece blanket over the both of you. You slowly trailed your fingers over his bare chest, and he ran his fingers up and down your arm, showering you with warmth and tenderness. It was perfect, he was perfect.

“You know I was really worried about you today, sunshine,” he murmured, his voice coming off low. “When you didn’t show up to the theater and when you didn’t answer your phone. I thought something bad happened.” His grip on you tightened, and you could feel his chest sigh heavily as he continued stroking your arm.

“I’m sorry I worried you. I just couldn’t get myself to do anything or talk to anyone. My anxiety was screaming so loud that I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts in my head. All I know is how bad I wanted to run to you. And l’ll never stop apologizing for disappearing without a word. I wanted you so bad, Joel. So bad. I just… I just freaked out. I had a panic attack and…”

“Shhhh. S’okay, sweetheart. It’s all okay now. You’re safe and that’s all that matters.” He brushed his lips against the top of your head and entwined his fingers into yours as you closed your eyes and sank against his chest.

It was quiet for a few minutes until you spoke again. “I’m gonna go home this weekend. Just for a couple days. I called my mom yesterday and told her everything, and she bought me a plane ticket right after. Thought it was a good idea to get out of New York so I could clear my head.”

Joel shifted underneath you, and you looked up at him and saw a small smile spread across his beautiful face. “I think that’s a great idea, and it’ll be really good for you. I can drop ya off at the airport if you’d like,” he said as he trailed his fingers through your hair gently.

“I’d like nothing more,” you smiled. He returned it right back to you. “I wish I could take you with me,” you sighed.

He trailed the pad of his thumb against the backside of your hand and chuckled under his breath. “Maybe next time.”

You squeezed his hand and wrapped your other arm around his forearm as you pulled it toward you. “I’m definitely taking you next time,” you promised.

“I can’t wait.” His smile made his eyes crinkle, and it made your heart beat that much more for him.

“You know, I gave Carlotta a mouthful today,” he said with a clenched jaw as his voice came out gravely.

You lifted your head up and looked him in the eyes as you gulped down the lump in your throat. “You did?”

“Mhm. Think I knocked some sense into that oblivious brain of hers. Before I walked out of the auditorium, she was calling over those two fuckers,” he said with rage building in his throat.

“Oh,” was all you could say before you rested your head back against his chest as you tried to not let your mind wonder to Pierre and Cecilia. He must’ve felt the shift in your mood because he reached out and called your name softly.

“You know, there’s cameras set up in the auditorium. I know the security guy that runs them. I think I could get him to make me a copy of Pierre when he…” He gulped down some anger, and you could feel the growl audibly deep in his chest. “When he hit you and pushed you down,” he said with hatred in his voice. “If I can get my hands on that video, I’m gonna turn him in. Give Carlotta the real proof she needs to get rid of him.”

You gasped as you looked up at him with wide eyes, staring unbelievably at him at the words that just came from his mouth. “You think it’ll work? You think she’d actually kick him out?” you asked with shock falling from your lips.

“Maybe. It’s worth a shot, so I’m gonna try my best. Because if you choose to stay there for the next two months, I don’t want you suffering every day you’re there. I don’t wanna see the life taken from those pretty eyes of yours. I wanna see them shine, just like you always do. You shine as bright as Sirius does in the sky. Maybe even brighter than that star. You’re one of a kind, angel. And I want to see you sparkling.”

“Joel…” you whispered out, the look of love plastered all over your face. “You’re so… perfect. No one’s ever cared like you do…” You let your voice trail off, caught in a daze between love and complete bliss.

“And I’m gonna keep takin’ care of ya, sunshine. My perfect girl. My love.” He cupped your chin and brought his lips down on yours slowly as you sank into him, crawling on top of him so you could brush your fingers through his tousled curls.

He pulled back and smiled down at you. “Not even the galaxies in the sky could shine as bright as you, baby. You’re one of a kind. And I love you. I love you.”

You got lost in his words, in him. And the rest of the night was history as you both got completely wrapped up in the other. I love you’s passed back and forth the whole night until you finally passed out in his strong arms. Right where you belonged. Right where your heart beat for him the most.

Tags: @burntheedges @tuquoquebrute @joelalorian @dugiioh @akah565 @amyispxnk @itsokbbygrl-library @blueseastorm @pedrostories

[galaxyshine24-7]

The Silver Bullet🥃

Chapter 5 Scotch On the Rocks

Tw: Bombs, Death, Gang violence

The phone rings breaking Yuu out of their trance. The outside world looks so apocalyptic it's hard to imagine how peaceful it was before. Yuu picks up their phone from the nightstand doing their best to not shake too much as they answer.

“Oh Yuu are you okay?!” Crowley screams from the other line. “Don’t panic I am sending someone over right away!” Yuu can hear things breaking in the background as the man fumbles over himself. 

“I’m fine Crowley.” Yuu sighs. “I need to go access the damage to the bar.” 

“Okay, be careful and try not to step outside. Nobody knows what happened.” He commands. 

“Yes, I will.” Yuu looks around their home to see that is is debris and a few things on the floor, but it isn’t too bad. They are more worried about the bar with all those glasses and equipment. After making sure Grim is fine and the apartment has no spare glass around Yuu heads downstairs to take care of the mess in the bar. A few glasses have fallen, and some tables and chairs have been knocked over. Yuu gets to work quickly peeking their head outside once in a while to talk to neighbors trying to figure out what’s going on. The sound of a magic wheel reaches Yuu’s ears as they see Deuce racing down the street to stop at their bar. Behind him is Ace doing a lot better now with his wounds. 

“Deuce do you have to drive like a manic?!” Ace hops off of the vehicle. 

“I panicked okay,” Deuce argues. 

They look up to see Yuu standing outside the bar sweeping up loose debris. 

“Yuu!” They both yell rushing over to the bartender. 

“Are you okay?” Deuce asks. 

“Yeah, I’m fine just shakn,” Yuu answers. “Do you know what happened?” Yuu looks over at the smoke clouds as Ace and Deuce share concerned looks.  

“No we all just started getting ready for the day.” Ace rubs the back of his neck. 

“Riddle is furious everyone is staying clear of him until Trey can calm him down.” Deuce adds. Yuu motions for the two to come inside letting Deuce park his magic wheel in the alley. 

Yuu gets the two a glass of water as they ponder over the recent events. 

“How have you been since the party?” Deuce takes a sip of his glass. 

“Fine I was excited for the pay raise, but it seems now that has been put on hold.” Yuu sighs. The sound of a loud stomach gurgle breaks the silence as Deuce blushes. Yuu can’t help but laugh getting up from the table. 

“I see you two raced out so quickly you forgot to eat.” Yuu goes behind the bar putting on their apron. 

“I don’t mean to bother you.” Deuce looks down. 

“It’s fine it gives me something to do?” Yuu waves away his concern. “So what are you two feeling?” 

“I would love to try your pancakes again. Don’t tell Trey, but I find yours better.” Ace leans back resting his arms behind his head. 

“Ouch, don’t let Trey hear you say that.” Yuu gets to work whipping up some eggs and toast for the two. They also forgot to eat during all the chaos. Once Yuu is done they all help bring the food to the table sitting down and eating. They share pleasant conversation, a stark contrast from the scene outside. 

The sound of cars makes its way towards the bar as Yuu looks up with realization. Shoot, they forgot Crowley was sending someone over to check on them. They stand cleaning up their plate as Ace and Deuce look on with confusion. A red limo parks outside the bar as a man with a muzzle on his face gets out the driver's side to open the passenger door. Out steps, a red-heeled boot and two Dalmatians as Divus Crewl steps onto the street. His sunglasses reflect the light of what little sun they have on this cloudy day waiting for the man to open the bar door. 

“Yuu who’s that?” Ace stops stuffing his mouth full of food. 

“A benefactor of the bar, he’s seeing how the damage is.” It’s not technically a lie. The man opens the door, as Yuu initially brushes off their apron. 

“Puppy!” Divus outstretches his arms. Yuu rushes over to greet the man.

“Hello, Mr. Crewel.” Yuu smiles. The two dogs sniff and lick at Yuu’s hands. Yuu can’t help but give them some pets, it’s been a long time since they last seen them.

“Duchess, Colonel down.” With that order, the two dogs sit on Crewel’s side. He hands the man their leashes as he goes to grab Yuu’s chin shifting them left to right.

“Hm, not too bad.” He lifts Yuu’s arms to see any scratches or injuries. 

“I’ve seen you’ve gotten thinner, I’ll tell that old crow to raise your budget.” He looks around the bar spotting Ace and Deuce. His nose upturns in a disapproving stance looking at the two with disgust. Colonel and Duchess growl at their master’s displeasure.

“Heartslyabul I presume.” He points toward the two. 

“Y-yes sir.” Deuce stands in attention. 

“Hm, I see.” Crewel rolls his eyes. “So this is what the new generation brought in.” He looks over at Yuu shaking his head. 

“Remember what I said about strays dear.” He walks up to Yuu brushing off any dirt off their shoulders. “Once you feed them they never leave.” He whispers into Yuu’s ear. They can only nod as he takes a glance around the bar. 

“It seems nothing is too damaged. I’ll report this to the others.” He pats Yuu on the head. “Call if you need anything pup.” With that, he gets ready to leave grabbing the dog’s leashes. 

“Yes sir.” Yuu opens the door for them. Divus gives Yuu one last look before getting in the car. Yuu watches as the car drives off before closing the door. 

“Man, that guy was intense.” Ace sighs. 

“Does he come around often?” Deuce sits back down. 

“No,” Yuu shakes their head. Hopefully, it will be quick on their teachers’ end for the time being. 

The morning goes on as Ace and Deuce soon get called back to Heartslayabul. They wave Yuu goodbye as the bartender wishes them well. Yuu gets back to work stocking up on food and helping out neighbors. The evening comes sooner than expected as Yuu gets ready to close early for today. The sound of the bell catches their attention looking toward the door. 

“We meet again darling bartender.” The silvery tone of Azul reaches Yuu’s ears. He stocks up to the bar with two tall twins at his side. 

“Hey Azul, this place looks cool. Will we be meeting here?” One twin wears a long smile looking around the bar. 

Yuu raises a brow, staring at Azul to answer his question. 

“Excuse us, please.” Azul coughs, glaring at the twins as they go sit down at a table. 

“Dear Yuu as you know recent events have left…a rather bad taste in everyone's mouths. Today all of the gangs' headquarters have been sadly disposed of. So we need a neutral territory to talk things over.” Azul explains. 

“So you want to use my bar as a gang meeting place.” Yuu glares at him.

“You catch on quick.” Azul chuckles. 

“I-”

“Before you decline. I believe it would be beneficial for everyone for you to accept. Riddle put in a high word for you. I would hate to see those on the receiving end of his anger.” He lets out a dramatic sigh. 

Yuu’s hand curls into a fist. They can see what he is getting at. With a deep sigh, Yuu looks away for a minute tapping their finger on the counter. 

“Fine, but there are rules you all have to follow if you are going to be in my bar.” Yuu crosses their arms. 

“Of course, we wouldn’t dream of causing you any trouble at your establishment.” Azul smirks. “Now do you have a menu I can possibly look at?” 

Yuu rolls their eyes finding him a makeshift menu that they made. 

“Why thank you.” Azul turns around to go sit with the twins leaving Yuu to regret their decision. It wasn’t long before the other leaders start flooding in. Riddle is the first accompanied by Trey and Cater. 

“Yuu we would like to use your establishment-”

“Don’t worry Riddle I already had a pleasant talk with the bartender, and they agreed,” Azul says off into the distance. 

Riddle looks over surprised at Azul’s arrival. He rubs his temple with exhaustion. 

“I was supposed to inform them first Ashengrotto.” Riddle growls. 

“Well I came here rather early, I simply didn’t want to waste time.” Azul crosses his legs. 

“It's okay Riddle.” Yuu doesn’t want anything to exculate. “How about I start making everyone some drinks? The house special.” Yuu puts on their customer service smile. 

“Why that sounds wonderful, right Riddle?” Azul claps. 

Riddle just glares at Azul as he goes to take a seat. There is a space in the back where the leaders can have some privacy. It's like a sitting room, that Yuu spent most of the day cleaning. It wasn’t long for the other leaders to join as well. Yuu leads them to the sitting room in the back bringing them glasses of drinks. 

“So what’s the report of damage?” Riddle starts. 

“All our headquarters have been destroyed.” Vil rubs out his worry lines. Rook heads him a cup of tea. “The damage has put a dent in our operations not to mention the causalities.” 

Yuu tries their best not to react at that. What was this all for? 

“Enough with this sitting around we need to strike now!” Leona slams the table causing some of the drinks to spill. Yuu gets to cleaning keeping their head down as the conversation ensues. 

“W-we don’t know for sure if it was them.” Kamil sniffs as Jamil heads him another tissue. 

“This has RSA written all over it,” Leona growls. 

“This attack really isn’t their MO.” Idia comments from the corner covering his face with his hood. It's the first time Yuu has ever seen the gang leader and his appearance is not what they were expecting. Flaming blue hair sticks out of his hoodie as yellow eyes peek out from the darkness once in a while. Yuu tried to hand him a drink before all this, but he just cowered away. 

“Maybe they got tired of being goody two shoes.” Leona’s right hand, Ruggie leans against the wall. 

“Let’s look at the evidence.” Riddle cuts in. “At each location, a person with an overblot snuck into each building and caused damage. All of these people were from RSA.” 

Yuu stops cleaning, that makes no sense. 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Trey speaks up. 

“Exactly, what would they gain by harming their own people.” Azul ponders. 

“Someone to put the blame on. The magic drug comes from NRC who’s to say they didn’t plant people to cause a scene so that they now have an excuse to get involved.” Leona takes out a newspaper from his pocket. 

“They’re already blaming us.” The newspaper slaps onto the table as Yuu reads the big headline. ‘NRC drugs cause explosive overblots!’ Yuu stares at the paper afraid to pick it up. 

“So it's already out.” Azul mumbles. 

“It won’t be long until RSA makes their move on us. We need to agree on a strategy and fast.” Riddle leans back in the chair. 

Yuu gets up from the table after cleaning up what they could, no one was paying them any mind. 

“First we need to distribute aid to the areas most affected and raise funds.” Azul takes off his glasses wiping them off on a cloth. Yuu goes around to refill drinks. 

“We all can handle our own raising of funds, but the other matter must be our focus.” Vil leans forward. “It would be wonderful if we could have everyone here for this.” Vil looks around the room. 

“Of course that damn lizard doesn’t show up.” Leona huffs. 

“Well, we can’t decide on anything unless everyone is accounted for. I shall contact Lilia to make sure things are alright on their end.” Riddle suggests. 

“I’m not standing around doing nothing while those pests start to gather on our territory. If I see any of them on my streets they will be six feet in the ground.” Leona stands leaving the room with Ruggie following close behind. 

“Such impatience for a so-called leader.” Vil frowns getting up as well. 

With that, everyone starts to leave. Riddle is the last one to depart as rain starts to fall from the sky. 

“Yuu the Heartslybaul district will be holding a charity event for the recent disaster, I expect to see you there tending the bar.” Riddle doesn’t even look at Yuu. It’s an order, not a suggestion.

“Okay…” Yuu trails looking over at Cater and Trey as the two give them a pitiful look. The door soon closes leaving Yuu alone in the bar. With a heavy sigh, they start to clean. 

The rain sounds against the glass as it comes down heavy. Yuu takes their time thinking about what was discussed during the meeting. They don’t realize how late it is until they see the sky is now pitch black, putting the broom back in the cabinet Yuu starts to head up the stairs to check on Grim. That is until they hear the ding of the door chime. Did they forget to lock the door? They turned off all the lights, this place should look closed. Yuu quickly turns around peeking their head around the corner to see a tall man standing in the center of the bar. 

“I know you’re there.” A deep voice makes a chill run down their spine. 

Yuu timidly steps out from around the corner inching closer to the bar. There they have a security button, along with a compartment with a hidden gun. 

“The bar is closed,” Yuu states watching the man turn around to reveal a pale face with two horns protruding out of his head. He wears a long dark cloak with emerald eyes that scan over the bar. 

“I was told a meeting would take place here.” He pouts. 

Yuu raises a brow at that. Is he talking about the meeting of the gang leaders? 

“I’m afraid that meeting already happened.” Yuu hovers their finger over the button. They now can see the long sword sheathed along his waist as he comes to take a seat at the bar. 

“I see, how unfortunate. I had prior business to attend to and was late.” He rests his elbows on the counter. His head rests in his hands letting out a sigh. 

Is he sulking? Yuu tilts their head. Upon the man getting closer they can now see his features a lot more. Hair as black as the night with long nails that tap against the counter. It’s almost like looking at a sculpture. His eyes reach Yuu’s once more as they stare at each other. 

“Well, sorry to say this but the bar is closed,” Yuu states calmly not retracting his gaze. 

“Oh, is it?” His eyes look over to the windows. 

What is with this guy?

“Yes, it is.” Yuu places a wash towel on their shoulder. 

“Can I have a drink?” He closes his eyes. 

“Huh?”

“Can I please trouble you for a drink, I’m very tired.” He sighs. 

Yuu thinks about their options soon letting out an exhausted huff. 

“Fine, fine, It’s not like I get paid overtime. What do you want?” They place their hands on their hips. 

“Suprise me child of man.” He lets out a low chuckle. 

“For someone so tired you sure have enough energy to play games.” Yuu gets to work making the mysterious customer something to drink. Yuu goes for something light and sweet. A vanilla milkshake with some mint for that refreshing taste. Yuu takes notice of how the man watches them work their magic, finding the energy to give him a few tricks. With the final topping of whipped cream, Yuu slides the drink over to him. The man inspects the drink taking a small sip and then another.

“This is excellent, child of man.” His eyes widen as he takes a few more sips. 

“My name is Yuu.” They laugh at his excitement, it's like a little kid. “So what’s your name?” 

The man pauses and thinks for a second. 

“So you don’t know who I am? How fascinating.” He smirks. “It is best you don’t know my true identity just yet.” He hums. “I will let you call me by a name of your choosing for now.” He smiles. 

“Okay Tsunotarou,” Yuu watches a man’s eyes widen in surprise almost spitting out his drink. Yuu gives him a shit-eating grin as they enter a staring contest. 

“You are a very bold child of man.” He laughs. “I shall allow the name.” He gets up from the counter. “I will be taking the glass with me, I hope this covers the cost.” He plops down a cloth bag on the counter. Yuu takes a look to see dozens of solid gold coins inside the bag.

“Wait! What?!” Yuu shouts. 

The man leaves without a word as the bell chimes behind him. 

[trickstarbrave]

hi im insane still so i wrote smth up

its not rly proof read. sorry abt that.

this is from @mulberrycafe's fic fool's prayer. i just have evil!voryn on the brain REAL bad.

Nerevar blinked. He was no longer in his office, but outside in a courtyard. It was…. Peaceful. The rushing anxiety of being in his office was being washed away by fluffy white clouds passing by. It wasn’t cloudy or with an ash storm blowing, as it usually was in Morrowind, especially after Red Mountain’s eruption. A few birds could be heard in the distance too, adding to the soft, peaceful atmosphere. 

Nerevar wanted to relax. He was tired. So very, very tired. Tired of running the country and fighting the council every step of the way. Tired of trying to make life better for his people and being blocked. Every time he wanted to try and do something good, there was endless squabbling. Distractions came up instead, as the houses fought with each other, refusing to put aside old rivalries for everyone’s benefit. It was like pulling teeth trying to get anything done--and when he did lose his temper, the councilmen pointing at him and blaming him. 

“It’s your fault Red Mountain erupted, when you destroyed the tribunal’s rule.” Some would blame. “Why haven’t the Good Daedra resolved it then? If there is mercy from them, they would have solved the problem. We could go back to VVardenfell. We could be a great nation again. But instead we continue to beg for scraps at the altar of gods. The Good Three have made their point clear: we are to suffer the trials. Therefore, everyone suffers with us. It’s naivety to presume we can help them with stupid acts of charity.”

He had no energy anymore. His limbs felt too heavy to move. Vivec said he admired Nerevar’s ability to always be optimistic and hopeful, but Nerevar was beginning to run out of steam. 

Things were easier, in the days of Resdayn; they had a common enemy to unite against, after all. The Great Houses could set their squabbling and infighting aside long enough to drive the nords out, and then welcomed the prosperity Nerevar brought afterwards as they rebuilt the nation. 

“Neht,” Nerevar heard Voryn call for him, and he refused to turn. 

He knew what this was. Another attempt to win him over. Another attempt to crack his resolve. Nerevar didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He didn’t know how many times he could drive him away. Nerevar hated how Voryn was starting to, in some twisted way, make sense. And even more importantly, Nerevar hated having to hurt the man he loved over and over, even if it was for the good of everyone. 

Arms wrapped around him again, a cold chill, as always. “You won't even look at me now?” Voryn asked, nuzzling into his hair from behind. 

“I’m tired of these games, Voryn.” Nerevar tried desperately to keep his voice level and firm. “I’m not changing my answer.” Voryn gave a dark, deep chuckle, the type of tone Nerevar adored. 

He was afraid if he turned around, he would crack. He was terrified if he looked at the face of his beloved, his resolve would crumble and he’d throw his arms around Voryn, kissing him for all he was worth.

“I’m not playing a game.” Voryn whispered softly in his ear, breath tickling the sensitive skin and making his ear twitch. “I want to give you everything you have ever wanted, Nerevar.”

“No, you--”

“I want to give you a peaceful country.” Voryn cut him off, continuing with that slow, deep voice in his ear, rubbing circles on his stomach. “I want to stop those councilors from using you… Because I love you.”

“This isn’t love!” Nerevar stressed, his hands shaking fists at his side as he actively fought the desire to sink into the embrace. 

“Yes, it is.” Voryn whispered again, sharper in his ear. “The love I have had for you for thousands of years.” Nerevar shut his eyes tightly now. “And I know you love this country, Neht. I’ve known all this time. That’s why I love it too. That’s why I want to help you.”

“This isn’t helping me.” Nerevar grit, fighting the urge to scream or sob.

“I want to give you so much more than just a peaceful country too, Nerevar.” That soothing voice was trying to melt the tension off his body, but Nerevar refused to relax. If he did, it would be over, he reminded himself. He couldn’t be weak in front of Voryn with what Voryn was capable of. “I want to soothe all your worries, love and support you in the way you deserve…”

Nerevar refused to respond. He couldn’t find the words--not when Voryn sounded so soft and sweet in his ear, whispering like a gentle lover. It was the same tone of voice he used to soothe all of Nerevar’s injuries in the past, the same tone when he reassured and comforted Nerevar, and the same tone he used when they would make love. 

“Ayem hardly even took care of you back then,” Voryn continued, now bringing one hand up to rub his shoulder soothingly. “But she at least helped you govern. Helped keep people in line.” Nerevar shivered slightly as he felt teeth graze his ear ever so slightly. “I can help you with that. I can keep the council in line… All as you will it, my beloved.” 

He knew it was a lie. A sweet, sweet lie. If it was Nerevar’s will, he wouldn’t have hurt the Good Daedra. If it were his will, Voryn would have stopped by now. If it was his will…

“I can even give you what she refused.” Voryn smirked against his skin now. “Love, devotion…” Voryn pressed a kiss behind his ear, watching it twitch again. “... And even a family.” 

Nerevar’s eyes shot open at that, his heart racing in his chest, only to find himself no longer in the courtyard, but inside the temple. It was in a well decorated room, quite, a tranquil warmth radiating throughout the whole room that tugged on his heartstrings. 

In front of him was a traditional chimeri hammock for infants, a little bundle inside it. Nerevar found himself unable to blink, his body all but screaming at him to move. His whole body shook and his legs felt weak, his heart beating even faster in his chest. 

“Don’t you want this?” Voryn asked, his voice soft and pleading now, almost saddened. “I can give you the family you wanted, Neht…” Nerevar’s hands unclenched as his hands yearned to reach out. “A beautiful family, as large or as small as you wish… Raised with love and care, in a country that is finally full of peace and prosperity…” His eyes remained fixated on the small bundle, slowly beginning to move. 

“Why don’t you hold our son?” Voryn asked him, and Nerevar found himself unable to stop his feet from moving, bringing him closer and closer as the infant began wiggling around and fussing in earnest, having woken up from his nap. 

In his arms, they felt even more real: alive and the perfect weight in his arms, filling him with warmth. Soft black waves were on his head, as he blinked up at Nerevar with large, blue eyes and giggled, reaching for him. Tears rolled down Nerevar’s cheeks as he leaned down to nuzzle against the baby, overwhelmed.

Nerevar wanted this. He wanted it so badly it felt like his chest was being ripped out. He wanted a family with the man he loved. He wanted children of his own. He wanted to just be selfish for once, and have something all to himself. 

When he was king in the past, he was denied being a father, despite how much he had always wanted to be. His marriage with Ayem, while politically beneficial, was strained in most of the personal aspects. Almalexia had her own lovers and concubines to tend to her, and saw little purpose in sleeping with Nerevar, even to produce a child. Even the Indoril council said they didn’t want to bother with having a child, not when they could pick a better heir that suited their political goals. Instead he was always just told to find someone else to have a child with if he wanted to be a parent that badly.

But he knew that wasn’t possible. He was king, yes, but he wasn’t of noble blood; he lacked the political power to fully protect them. Nerevar refused to selfishly have a child he knew he couldn’t protect and let them get hurt or killed just to spite him by some political enemies. 

And yet… That wish never truly died. That desire never went away. It was always there, in the back of his mind, gnawing at his psyche. He was tired of being king only to create more problems and enemies for himself. He was tired of fighting off assassins and attackers. He was tired of going to bed alone. He was tired of giving everything he had for nothing in return. 

And then the weight in his arms was gone, as Nerevar found himself not in a nursery but instead in complete blackness instead.

“No…” Nerevar begged, tears still rolling down his cheeks. It felt like his heart was being ripped out and crushed. It had been so real--Nerevar could still feel the phantom warmth in his arms, hear the sound of laughter. “Voryn, please--!” His arms instead curled up around him, trying in vain to comfort himself and failing as he openly sobbed. 

“Shh…” Voryn whispered, stroking his hair from behind. “Why don’t I give you time to think about my offer instead?” Voryn asked. Typically, Voryn was pushy in these dreams, trying desperately to make Nerevar give in. Now that he was falling apart in front of him, he seemed to be taking a different approach. 

Nerevar didn’t know if that was a good sign or not. Not when he was still grieving. Not when he was crying and sobbing, wishing more than anything that such a sweet dream was real. 

“Nerevar!” Nerevar’s eyes shot open again, tears still running down his cheeks, to see a Vivec staring down at him rather than the piercing red eyes of Voryn as he half expected. “Nerevar,” Vivec, seeing as he had finally woken him up, wiped the tears from his face. “It’s alright…” He murmured, trying desperately to soothe him.

Nerevar, his emotions still raw, wrapped his arms around Vivec and sobbed once more. 

He didn’t know if Vivec knew why he was crying. Nerevar was too ashamed to say, and too hurt to give a coherent answer even if he wanted to. 

He didn’t know how much more he could take of this, even as Vivec held him close, rubbing his back in slow circles, trying to comfort him. 

His heart was breaking.

[irondad-defensesquad]

Thank you for putting up with me

Also on AO3! For Cozytober! The main prompt is alt. 4: "Thank you for putting up with me" - plus prompts 1 and 2, Borrowing a sweatshirt or coat, and Wrapped in a soft fuzzy blanket (respectively). This is mostly fluffy, with a tiny bit of sadness - but only softness ahead <3 I surely need it...

TRIGGER WARNING - implied past character death

DO NOT SHIP PETER AND TONY. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

“I’m not cold.”

“Says the kid who forgot to bring a coat and who can’t thermoregulate.”

Peter pouts when Tony takes off his own coat and puts it around the former’s shoulders. Although their size difference is small, Tony’s coat is only a smidge bigger than Peter.

“Seriously, Pete, you could’ve told me, I could’ve dropped it earlier.”

“Tony Stark dropping a sweater at a school for some random kid? Come on… I was fine, Mr. Stark.”

Tony sighs, “You’re literally impossible, kid.”

They don’t banter for now as Tony drives them upstate. The car is warmer than the foggy, cloudy day today. Peter’s hair is drying itself from the drizzle. But what soothes him, what gives him good shivers inside is the coat. If anything, Peter ends up napping.

Once they arrive upstate, Peter is immediately sent to the shower. Tony separates some clothes for him, which are an old Christmas sweater and a MIT hoodie. Not to mention a beanie. Since when does Tony have a beanie?

Even though Peter wears all of it, his mentor still wraps him up in a blanket once he joins him on the couch.

“Mr. Stark, you’re exaggerating.”

“Am I? You’re still pale and you spent all day freezing like a popsicle.”

Tony might sound annoyed, but he looks at Peter concernedly.

“I can handle myself,” the latter insists.

He expects his mentor to tease him to no end.

“… Yeah, I know, bud. You’re Spider-Man, you’ve been for a while. I just want to make sure you have somewhere to crash on. Someone you can count on when you don’t have a coat, or when you’re injured… whenever you’re in trouble. Relying on someone doesn’t make you weak, you know?”

Peter’s self-confident mask starts to fall off a little – which isn’t a bad thing. He then realizes how ungrateful he’s sounded all day.

Suddenly, sadness breaks through.

Regret.

It’s a cycle that doesn’t end.

“Mr. Stark?”

“Hm?”

I’m sorry.

No. He doesn’t have to say that.

“… Thank you,” Peter clears his throat. “Thank you for putting up with me.”

Tony doesn’t reply, possibly noting that Peter has more to say.

“It’s just… last time someone looked out for me… It didn’t end well,” the latter admits, not breaking down. He’s mostly avoidant, ashamed. “I don’t want it to happen again.”

Tony wraps his arm around Peter, like he’s the coat. “That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be cared about, kiddo.”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t always remember that… but I know.”

Feeling Tony’s hand rubbing his shoulder, Peter sighs deeply and lies down against the man. It’s warmer than anything else, and not the kind that makes you sweaty. It’s warm as in cuddly. Safe.

“You help me remember. You help me see another way out of this mess,” the teen tells him. “So thanks, again.”

He can feel Tony smiling at him as he squeezes Peter in a half-hug.

“I’m glad.”

Peter grins, peacefully, and he cuddles even closer to Tony, hiding his face under the hero’s chin. His heart beats, and his lungs fill in with air, then they let go.

The boy then realizes and somehow wraps Tony with the blanket, too.

“… Remember to take care of yourself too, Mr. Stark.”

Tony snorts. “Okay, kid.”

It’s like they’re in a little bundle. Their own bundle. The homiest Peter has felt in… a while.

Like he’s in the same blanket fort Uncle Ben set up…

It’s been empty for so long.

Tony, of course, can’t replace that space. Still, he makes his own little place in Peter’s blanket fort. He helps it stand. He helps Peter stand.

And let him know, you’re going to be okay. I’ll be here.

And so, Peter can sleep in peace, feeling loved again.

[amberbeach]

"YOUR PATH IS MY PATH."

gif belongs to me

When RJ returned to Jungle Karma after being captured by Dai Shi, you were upstairs above the pizza parlour, training to keep your mind occupied while hatching a plan to rescue him. You were startled when he stumbled in. The first thing you noticed was his torn clothes and how exhausted he looked.

Despite the pain and exhaustion weighing him down, seeing you again gave him the strength to smile. "You have no idea how glad I am to see you."

"Oh my god, Robbie." You rushed to his side, hands hovering, afraid of touching any injuries.

You wrapped an arm around his waist and walked with him to the bedroom as you asked him about what happened during his capture. RJ left out some details, knowing how worried you would have been the past few days, and he didn't want to worry you further by mentioning his shattered connection to his wolf spirit.

After a shower to freshen up, and an examination for any injuries, you joined the team in the living area. RJ knew you were acutely watching him for any signs he was lying about any pain he was in, so he acted as he did before, and after a few hours when you were listening to his heartbeat as you spoke in bed about what he'd missed, RJ sensed your worries leaving you for the moment, granting you peace to sleep.

While you slept peacefully, his night was more eventful. In the morning he caught a news reporter detailing a supposed animal attack that left people injured and from the claw marks, RJ suspected he was the cause. He had arrived in the early hours of the morning before you had woken, slipping into bed without you noticing, and while the events were cloudy in his mind, RJ wasn't willing to put you or the Rangers at risk.

The parlour was busy that afternoon and Fran had enlisted your help to cook in the kitchen whilst the three Rangers took orders and got customers their drinks and take out their food, keeping the service running smoothly. In the few hours you were gone RJ began to pack a backpack with essentials, believing he could sneak out undetected. However, he had not expected you to come upstairs where you caught him closing the carved box containing his morpher and he quickly replaced the box on the shelf inside the red cupboard, closing the doors. He turned when you spoke and his chest rose and fell with a silent sigh when he saw your expression.

"What are you doing?"

RJ glanced away when he noticed your eyes squint, knowing you could read him better than anyone.

"Were you going to say goodbye?" You continued softly, moving closer. "Of course not." His eyes lifted to meet your gaze when you scoffed and you tilted your head. "I knew something was wrong. I could feel it, but I chose to ignore it because I didn't want to overwhelm you with questions on your first night back." You paused when he sighed. "I can't help if I don't know what's wrong."

"It's my animal spirit. Ever since Dai Shi attacked me," He held his shoulder, his features portraying the pain he was experiencing since the attack, before continuing, "I can't control my animal form."

"Why didn't you tell me?" You asked quietly, glancing at the wooden floors.

"I didn't want you to worry. And I didn't tell the Rangers because they would lose focus on Dai Shi."

"So you were going to - what? Sneak out when everyone was downstairs?" Your gaze lifted to meet his apologetic stare which only intensified when he saw your tears. "How could you do that? After everything we've gone through - you were just gonna leave?"

"It wouldn't be forever. Just until I learned to control it." RJ explained.

"I can help you."

RJ shook his head, "The Rangers need you now. To be their mentor in my absence."

"If you think I'm letting you go through this alone, then you're wrong." You stepped forward and when he glanced away briefly you knew he was faltering, unable to leave while you were looking at him with nothing but understanding and love that showed through everything you did. "Remember what I told you when I diverted the Masters path they planned for me?"

"Your path is my path." RJ recited.

"And I meant it." You placed a hand on his chest, tilting your head up to hold his gaze. "Let me help you."

RJ lowered his head, slowly nodding as he met your gaze. "I don't want them to know." You nodded in agreement, the Rangers had enough to worry about with Dai Shi who was growing more powerful every day, and their worry for RJ would be a distraction.

You smiled softly at the man you had risked everything for. While the Masters voiced their opinions about your relationship, you and RJ knew you were stronger together than apart and so you left your position at the academy to join him in preparing the Rangers to defeat Dai Shi and you hadn't looked back since.

RJ lowered his shoulder, letting the backpack fall down his arm before allowing it to drop on the floor, and wrapping his arms around you. He closed his eyes when you kissed his cheek, promising that everything would be okay.

And he knew that it would be because he had you by his side.

[campgender]

I am eight months pregnant. It’s a summer night and I’ve curled my girlfriend’s fingers around my own and led her to our bedroom. I have become an expert at making love to my girlfriend. A dozen years of perfecting the dance. I know exactly when to bite her skin, when to caress her, when to pound her, and when to hold her. I know how to move inside, and I know how to rub and pull and make her body rise.

It’s hard to find a position to reach her. Should I sit cross-legged or on my knees or lie on my side? What angle affords me the longest timeframe before my legs or arms get cramped and I lose steam? I twist into a spot and push all the blankets off the bed. I get to work. I feel my confidence return; I feel a little butch again. Even if I barely sense the warmth of my own body, I can take good care of my femme, and I am proud of that. But my fingers begin to go numb.

It’s been happening for the last couple of months. I lose feeling in my right hand. The nerve is squeezed somewhere in my arm, and the midwife and Google tell me it’s a common side-effect of pregnancy. Damn it. I depend on the delicate precision of my fingers. I hunger to touch and feel my girl. Damn. I don’t stop moving my fingers. I can tell by the rhythm of my lover’s breathing that they continue to do the job. I close my eyes and concentrate. I depend on the focus of my brain, even as my fingers lose all feeling.

Is a butch still a butch without her clothes, her body, her libido, her physical strength? Who was I in those moments? I felt far away from other butches and far away from myself. I felt calm, too. The pregnancy, despite its limitations, was peaceful. The hormones had kicked in. The urgency left my bones. I could feel the bliss of the new life in my body as my mind drifted into daydreams of the birth. I inhabited a spacey land, where I didn’t care about anything except the movement of the baby inside. But as much as I enjoyed the tranquility, I might have panicked if I thought it would go on forever. For my entire life, my knowledge of the world has been grounded in a sense of myself as a butch. When I couldn’t see myself any more, I became a body without any meaning attached to it. I felt vague, adrift.

Hilary takes portraits of me. She puts on a sun dress, lifts her heavy black Nikon, and stretches her arms. When she photographs you, she leads your body from one position to the next as she snaps the shots.

“Sit on the chair. Now stand, straddle it,” she directs. “Lift your head, turn, now look away, and turn back once more. Good.”

She searches a body, a face, the eyes for something she understands about its history, vulnerability, desire. You could stand right next to her and take a photo of the same person, but you wouldn’t be able to capture the intimacy of her images.

On the day before my due date, I gather all the butch garments that will still cover my body—a tie, leather suspenders, XXL T-shirts, stretchy blue jeans, an exercise bra—and head outside. It is a cool summer day, cloudy, the sunlight is diffused evenly across our backyard patio. Perfect photo weather, according to Hilary. It’s a last chance to catch the picture of my pregnant body.

I slip in and out of clothing quickly, avoiding the curiosity of the neighbours in the apartment building beside us. They are busy with their barbecue; the smells of charcoal and burgers float over us.

Hilary guides me methodically through the shots. I look past the reflection on the lens, into the tiny hole of the aperture, and wait for the instant when the shutter snaps open and shut. I can see Hilary there, following the lines of my body. I sit up. I raise my chin. I smile. I look at her shamelessly with lust. I reach behind my head and lie down. I curl up into a ball. I give her my fiercest face. I frown. I plead. I worry. I daydream.

I find myself on my girlfriend’s contact sheets. I find myself through her eyes: a femme’s vision of a butch. In some shots, I don’t look pregnant at all. I still look like the young boyish dyke she picked up a dozen years ago. In others, my belly is bigger than a basketball. My proportions are alarming. My skin looks soft. My face is tired but relaxed. My gaze is vulnerable. My dark eyes are wide open, inviting her to capture me, but carefully—please be careful. I don’t look like other pregnant women. I look like an entirely different creature. A queer creature. A beautiful creature.

from “A Beautiful Creature” by Karleen Pendleton Jiménez, published in Persistence: All Ways Butch & Femme, ed. Ivan E. Coyote & Zena Sharman (2011)

[diddybok]

finding out felix builds his own PC

all characters depicted in my writing are from my own imagination and do NOT in anyway represent nor reflect the people in real life :)

➩ pairing: roommate!felix x gn!reader

➩ genre(s): fluff, angst if you squint real hard, suggestiveness(?)

➩ warnings: one singular curse word.

➩ summary: reader finds out that felix is a nerd. a cute one nonetheless!

➩ wc: 1.7k (1,758)

➩ author’s note: hello, you can call me kae!! i guess i should start by saying that i’m not new to writing, but i am new to writing in stayville (and on tumblr) ^3^ treat me nice, i am antitititi fragile🥲

It was a cold, cloudy Sunday. The little spectacles of ice adorned whatever it touched, glittering as it kisses with the sun. You were wrapped up in your blanket feeling cozy and peaceful enough that you could drift away into a slumber. You were more than happy to test that until your stomach groaned in protest.

You stretched and let out a loud, questionable noise as you got up from the sofa. You had been watching one of the shows you’ve been binging lately. Too caught up in whatever episode to have forgotten that you weren’t home alone. You put your slippers on and walked past the kitchen to go upstairs; your stomach swearing at you no doubt as it grumbles again.

As you get closer to your roommate’s room, you can hear a faint humming in time to the music he was listening to. Giving a loud enough knock, you suddenly hear the hum stop and some scrambling noises before the music is turned off. You wait patiently as you ponder all the possibilities of food you have sitting in your fridge and cabinets.

The door swings open revealing a mildly panicked Felix. His hair has been tied up, though his bangs still drape over his glasses. He huffs out a laugh and you stand there raising an eyebrow and eyeing him and his room cautiously.

You’ve never actually been inside of his room believe it or not, nor him with yours. You figured you would never need anything from there and even if you did, you would prefer to send him a text.

As he watches your eyes move the attention from him to around his room, he slightly closes the door and steps back into your line of view. You have a quick discussion with the angel and devil on your shoulder. One saying to tease him and prod about what he’s doing in his room that has him acting all jittery (hint: that one has little red horns). Or to save whatever he is embarrassed about and ask if he wants something to eat.

“Am I interrupting some sort of ritual?” you question folding your arms. Seems the little red horns won.

“What? No.” Felix responds incredulously. He brings his palm up to the side of his neck, two fingers squeezing slightly at his pulse point. From your countless days of finding yourself staring at him, you noticed that he checks his pulse whenever he was nervous. You smirked.

You clicked your tongue and nodded your head, not believing the fact that he wasn’t up to anything suspicious. You take a deep breath before continuing your assault on this poor boy.

“Alright, I want you to be honest with me.” Felix swallowed and slumped slightly against the door. You try to find the words to ask this as politely as possible. “Are you a—no, wait. Do you participate in activities that require you to dress up as animals?”

Felix’s jaw dislocates and hangs open as a sputter of incoherent disapprovals come out. You move your gaze to his ear where he has a little screwdriver nesting and you peer around him to look over his shoulder.

He quickly stammers and shuts the door behind him as he now stands incredibly close to you. So close that you can smell his cologne, the scent dangerously tempting. You create some space between the two of you as he looks up at you, his ears twinged red.

“I am not a furry.” He sternly states. You continue to look at him, tilting your head slightly. “I am not-” he sighs as he runs his hands over his face. “Is there anything you actually need to talk to me about or are you here to try and embarrass me?” He asks, mimicking you now and folding his arms.

“Well you wouldn’t have anything to be embarrassed about if you weren’t one.” You challenge. You see his jaw tick and his eyes squint. Thinking that you were indeed wasting his time, Felix turns back to open the door of his room before you stop him.

“Wait! Wait, I’m just teasing you.” You say, your arm mid reach to grasp his wrist. He turns around and looks at you expectantly, that is until your stomach decided to perform the climax of its one person show.

The loud grumble made Felix snicker, not even trying to hide his amusement at your famish. “That was what I was coming up to ask you actually. If you wanted any lunch.” You groan and move to lean against the railing of the stairs.

Felix shakes his head as he rumbles with laughter. “I don’t remember telling a joke.” You sass, looking at him quizzically.

“You didn’t, but I think it’s cute how you decided to ignore your body’s needs to come up to my room and annoy me instead.” Felix smirks. You make sure he can see the full rotation of your eyes rolling to which he chuckles at.

Annoy him? No, you were simply trying to see what he was getting up to. It’s not your fault that he chooses to have mystique. Who tries to close the door whilst having a screwdriver tucked between his ear and-

Wait…cute?

A couple of snaps to your face break you out of your trance. “Earth to Y/N.” You blink up at him, your face etched in confusion. “I certainly hope you weren’t trying to get your stomach to coerce mine into communicating with you, ‘cause I didn’t give you consent to do that.”

“Cute?”

Felix stops his teasing as it is his turn to look at you in confusion. “What?” You stand up straight, your eyes glinting with mischief.

“You used cute when referring to me, ergo you think I am cute!” You laugh poking at his arm.

“Woah there mate, steady on yeah?” Felix says putting his hands out to defend himself from your attacks.

You move closer to him and squint your eyes. “You want me so bad.”

Felix hunches over and an eruption of his laughter fills the house with his booms. You stand there, once flamboyant now crumbling down to mild embarrassment. Why is he laughing so hard at that?

He recovers with a loud exhale and a few hums of laughter before walking up to you and pinching one of your cheeks between his finger and thumb. “Cute.” He says before walking past you to go down the stairs.

You stand there stunned at the audacity. First he directs that gorgeous man laugh of his at you making you feel silly. Then he walks up to you and grabs hold of your cheek and squishes it. Calls you cute and then leaves.

What the fuck?

─────────────────────

You’re back on the sofa watching your programmes (shock), but you haven’t been able to focus on anything since this afternoon. You have lived with your roommate for about six months now and not once has he ever complimented you or seen you as more than acquaintances.

Well, you have gone food shopping with him countless times and you certainly tease him a lot for the fact that you don’t know much about him. But something has shifted and it’s making you uneasy.

Of course he was attractive. You tried your hardest not to gawk at him when you first moved in! But you regained control of your hormones and learnt to see him as a friend and not somebody you want to rip the clothes off of.

You feel the sofa dip next to you and you snap your head to Felix who sits crossed legged drinking out of his water bottle. Some of the water spills out of the top and runs down over his fingers and down his hand.

That seemed to be covered in veins. Has he always worn that many rings? His nails are always kept manicured. Perhaps he grew up with sisters.

“You gotta stop doing that doll” Felix breaks the silence as he wipes his mouth grinning. You feel the heat rise in your face as you’ve been caught ogling.

“What are you watching?” He asks moving the conversation away from the suggestive tension felt in the room.

“Uhm, just some show that I’ve been binging lately” You answer clearing your throat and looking back at the screen. You’re probably going to have to rewatch these last couple of episodes as you could not will your mind to think straight. “We can watch something else if you’d like? Not saying that you have to watch anything with me, but since you sat down I guess you don’t mind my company all that much” You say, now smiling at him.

He smiles back and places his bottle on the coffee table and then gets comfortable on the sofa. You offer up some of the blanket to him which he accepts.

“You know I can’t communicate with you telepathically right?” You quirk, scrolling through Netflix. He doesn’t respond and you sit there beginning to feel awkward as you look for something entertaining to watch. You debate on just continuing your show.

“Gaming PC” Felix mutters out of nowhere.

“What?”

Felix turns to you now, scanning your face for any disappointment or judgement on his hobby. “What I was doing in my room, well, have been doing all day. I build my own gaming PC and setup.”

You look at him trying to hide the smile that was creeping on your face.

“Why didn’t you just say that earlier?” You prod.

“I thought you were going to make fun of me for it. Then you started hinting that I may of been a furry and I panicked.” Felix swallowed, rubbing his neck.

“Felix, why would I make fun of you for being a nerd?”

Felix’s mouth fell open and you couldn’t stop the laugh that you’d been holding in. You don’t know where the sudden surge of confidence came from, but you leaned closer to him and gently grabbed his chin. You pushed it back up so that he wouldn’t catch flies.

He blinks at you a couple of times. You could clearly see the process of thought going across his face at what you had just done. With your hand that was still settled on his chin, you pulled his face closer to yours.

“I think it’s cute how you decided to hide the fact that you’re a raging nerd and act all mysterious instead.” You smile mischievously.

“Cute?”

You grin and pinch his cheek with your finger and thumb. “Cute.”

ʚ hope you enjoyed ^.^ you can support me by liking, commenting and reblogging! it is heavily appreciated ᵕ̈ ɞ

I DO NOT PERMIT MY WORK TO BE TRANSLATED OR REPOSTED IN ANY WAY, THANK YOU.

© 2023 diddybok

[anas-aspiration]

Run

warnings: violence-weapons- angst

summary: the w people attack Alexandria, y /n and carl already fighting are forced to huddle together and get over it xoxo. 1683 words

Its a semi cloudy day, perfect for relaxing inside and doing nothing. It was also turning out great. You woke up, got dressed, remembered you have snacks downstairs, and started cleaning up. When you were in the bathroom brushing your teeth you hear your bedroom door open. Peaking out you see its carl, not surprised, since you guys go back and forth “sharing rooms”

"Oh good your up. Did you finish the spare shampoo I had under the sink?"

You covered your mouth trying to be polite and not laugh at his sternness "Uh yeah sorry I can ask Daryl to put that on the list. You'll get it by tomorrow."

He furrowed his brow "K."

"Whats your problem its just shampoo."

"God my problem is you. "

You were taken aback at how fast he snapped back at you. He didn’t usually act like an asshole but you knew he would eventually get out of his little mood swing. Internally you decided to help him get out of it faster by arguing.

You rolled your eyes "oh please elaborate! Because I'm sorry your having a bad morning but that has hardly anything to do with me."

"you're useless. Your ass doesn't do anything except hang around your little friends and eat shit. What good are you?"

Turning from the mirror to him you mustered up the meanest look you could. Then popped the tooth brush out of your mouth and rinsed preparing to go off on him. Who does he think he is calling you useless? He was just your 'bff' yesterday and now he's acting like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"First I am not useless. Do you even think before you speak because that doesn't make sense at all considering I am the one changing Judith's diapers, cleaning both your room, hers, and mine every week, and on top of that cooking your meals, so please come get me when your attitude is looking up. Cause I don't know who put you in this mood but its your job to get out of it."

You walked past him scoffing. Downstairs you grabbed your walkman, a bag of grapes, rollerskates and walked out the door.

You had been rolling around the neighborhood for a little while, enjoying the fresh air and exercise. Eventually, you came across a bench and decided to take a rest. As you sat down, you reached into your bag and pulled out a handful of juicy grapes. As you savored the sweet flavor, your mind wandered to thoughts of Deana and her parties. You realized that you could really use some fun right now, and hoped that Deana would throw another one soon. In the meantime, you decided to listen to some music on your Walkman. You scrolled through your playlist and selected "Rehab" by Lana Del Rey, letting the cute melody wash over you as you enjoyed a moment of peaceful solitude on the bench.

You sat there soaking in your thoughts mindlessly eating your grapes. You started noticing small things that you didn't notice before like how lifeless everything looked when it wasn't sunny. It made you think of Winter which was coming close. The thought of Christmas warmed your heart, but made you wonder how different it would be celebrating during the end of the world. Surely parents want their kids to have something like that. You definitely would even at your age.

Or maybe-

"HELP"

You quickly jerked out of your train of thought at the sound. Was someone hurt? Looking around you didn't see anything. But something told you to get somewhere safe. You stood up gathering your things shaking, when you started hearing more screams. Startled you just grabbed your roller skates and ran in the direction of your house. As you turned a corner you saw the mayhem. People cut into pieces and random people running around with machetes and other weapons. Now officially scared out of your mind you sprinted as fast as you could.

Morgan was in shackles, people being sliced, beaten. You caught a glimpse of someone with a 'W' on their forehead. The group Rick and morgan were murmuring about got inside the walls and are killing everyone. As you neared the house you heard someone laughing close behind you.

fuck.

"No no no no" You Turned your head to see who it was and you almost started crying. A big, probably three hundred pound, man was running behind you with a spear. You picked up the pace still a block away from the house.

You looked to your right hoping Rick or someone was gonna shoot him but instead you saw a handgun laying on the sidewalk. You bolted to it and immediately picked it up and blindly fired two shots in his direction.

One hit his arm holding the spear. You went to shoot again but *click*. You panicked then he charged at you then you fell back. Now your heart was beating faster than ever hoping you didn't just get yourself killed. He was on top of you and you stupidly threw a punch but it hit him. Blood trickled down his cheek and landed on you. He hissed at the pain, not from your power, but from the four cheap and prickly rings you had on. Before he turned back to hit back you pulled out your knife from your boot about to pierce his neck when a shot sounded. You winced then realized Carl had shot him.

You quickly wiggled from underneath him as you had tried earlier then stood up and wiped the blood off your jaw, still in shock.

"I had it."

"Barely." He said in a cocky manner, but with some sympathy in his voice. "Are you okay?''

"um.........Yeah i'm okay." You said

Now you were feeling faintish after only having grapes as a meal for the day and all the stress you had just been through. It seemed he had noticed this too because he grabbed your hand and started guiding you through the chaos back home.

A couple of hours passed, you were boiling noodles for a classic spaghetti in the kitchen. It felt strange casually cooking a meal after what happened. But there seemed to not be any right way to deal with the fact that you almost become road kill.

Carl was upstairs probably putting Judith to sleep and getting into his pajamas. Your feet began to tingle, a sign they were falling asleep so you decided to stroll over to the counter and sit there after turning the simmer down. You ran your soft hands through your hair then slowly rubbed your temples. You heard him come downstairs.

"Hey y/ n"

You looked up "Hey Carl, whats up?"

"Nothin, just uh put Judith down. Are you doing alright?"

"Yeah i'm as good as I can be at the moment. I just have a raging headache. Also- where did the others go?"

"Oh they were helping people clean up, now their at Deana's." He paused "But I just wanted to talk to you about this morning.. Im sorry for being um rude. I didn't mean what I said obviously I was just well.. I don't know. I'm also sorry because its my fault you were out there when the people attacked anyway. Do you forgive me?"

"Yes I forgive you" you said slightly giggling "I can't stay mad at you for long but thank you for also saving my life. Even if it was your fault I was out there you could have chose not to save me, your best friend, but you did."

He smiled at the way you punctuated best friend "yeah" He sat in the chair next to you staring at his hands as if he was thinking about saying something.

As you rose to attend to the food, he said, "Best friend huh?" to which you simply replied, "Yep haha". However, the conversation took an unexpected turn when he asked, "Have you ever thought of like... being more?"

You stood frozen for a second, before realizing he was probably watching you from behind.

You had considered this possibility before, but you didn't want to complicate things by bringing it up. The thought of him rejecting you made you feel uneasy, wondering if he would be scrutinizing your every move after. You tried to shake off the feeling, but it lingered in the back of your mind every time you saw him, thought about it, hell even dreamt about him. You thought it was time to confront him about it, or at least bring it up in conversation. You didn't want to be paranoid, but you also didn't want to ignore your instincts.

"hmm well" you said teasing him a little "what do you mean?"

"I'm just being dumb or whatever"

"No, your not, tell me" You said turning around and smiling. This gave him hope that you would feel the same.

"It's just, I woke up in a bad mood cause I overheard you with your friends last night talking about me. You said I come on too strong and It's obvious who I like and-"

"Oh my god no carl" you interupted " I wasn't talking about you I was talking about Abraham and Sasha. I love them both but it's so funny watching their little friends to lovers trope"

He laughed "ohhh, my bad um" "Well sorry for that too. But what I'm trying to say is I like you. I thought you didn't like me back so I got mad but- It's okay if you don't like me back I just needed to tell you because I couldn't hold on to that secret anymore." he said nervously running his hand through his hair.

You smiled and looked at him. You felt like everything that you didn't expect to happen today was happening at the strangest times.

"That- well I like you too. I was too scared to tell you because I was afraid you didn't feel the same way"

"Really?"

You nodded.

He stood up and walked over to your spot grabbing the warm wooden spoon from your hand and pulling you in for a kiss.

pt2??

A/N! :

HEY!! first post on this acc lmaoo. I posted this on watt pad originally like a month ago along with two other imagines (if you wanna check them out: leinsburg666) I wont be posting them here bc personally i think they are booty and i wrote them two months ago I’m obviously a new person duhh. but anyways i’m gonna write some more like this and PLEASE leave requests like good lord i will probably reply to all of them since i’m not sure a lot of people will see this bc the carl/reader fandom died in like 2018. hope this was enjoyable thoo 🩷