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Guilt, Hope, and Gratitude
@foolsworldsblog asked this question in response to this post ⬇️
JIG Message: For this answer I’m placing it below a cut because it is filled with angst/depressing topics, discussions of pregnancy, stillbirth, loss of child, childbirth and delivery, and near death experiences. Nothing is explained in explicit or gory detail, but please do not proceed further if you are uncomfortable with such topics.
Zach’s Response
Well, this is a little hard to answer, technically we have two first borns. We have Alexandria, who is our first born but was stillborn. Then we have Varina who is our oldest earthbound child, and the first one born to survive birth/infancy. If that makes sense. Both times I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt when each child was delivered.
With Alexandria we knew she wasn’t going to be born alive, I had to watch Violet endure a horrible and emotional labor and delivery only to have our child enter the world without ever taking her first breath or making one cry. Although the doctors informed us that it was nothing Violet or I had done wrong to cause the stillbirth, I still blamed myself for it.
I felt guilty because I couldn’t take Violet’s emotional and physical pain away. I felt guilty because our beautiful little girl never had a chance at life. I felt guilty because I hadn’t taken precautions, and I’d gotten Violet pregnant when her body was not ready for the pregnancy. Even after we took Violet to the doctor, monitored her health, and made sure she took the medication needed to ensure the safety of the pregnancy…we lost Alexandria.
I held Alexandria after she was born, I named her, I talked to her…I didn’t want to let her go…But Violet was so distraught she couldn’t hold her or even look at her for the longest time. When the hospital staff came to take her, Violet finally gathered up the courage to hold her and look at her, and I’ve never heard Violet cry like that in my life, it absolutely destroyed me, and I’ll never get over that feeling of guilt and pain as long as I live.
Varina’s birth elicited much of the same guilt ridden feelings. Violet went into premature labor and delivered Varina in the Tortuga with the help of the Wild Rats. Violet passed out due to complications shortly after Varina’s birth, and Varina was barely breathing.
While I held Varina after she was born, it felt like it did with Alexandria all over again. I’d gotten Violet pregnant, I’d know the fragile state of her body, I’d known the hectic schedule I’d been putting us through with all of my villainous deeds wasn’t good for Violet while carrying this beautiful rainbow baby. But I’d done it anyway. And watching both of my girls struggle, fearing I’d lose another daughter and the love of my life filled me with nothing but absolute remorse and dread.
But, holding Varina those few moments before we arrived at the hospital, seeing this tiny little bundle, the physical embodiment of mine and Violet’s love, gave me a sense of hope and extreme gratitude. I knew if Varina made it to this point and survived the birth, she’d make it in the end.
I was so grateful that even though I’d made so many terrible decisions, Violet delivered this child alive, and Violet was still alive. I had hope that they make it, I prayed they’d make it, and in the end, they did.
So, for me fatherhood started out with feelings of sorrow and guilt, but it developed into feelings of immense joy, hope, and gratitude. It changed me for the better, and I am so thankful for the family Violet and I have created.
POV: Guilty Me.
-Zach Varmitech-
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Stopped my actual work at an actual college to write this down
Evan hated admissions season. He hated being gawked at by tour groups while he shuffled to class held upright by nothing but coffee and spite. When he was living on campus he hated when they all showed up to the dining hall during lunchtime and took up all the tables, forcing him to shove his food into disposable coffee cups and smuggle them out under his sweatshirt so he didn’t have to share a table. And now, working on campus, he hated when they stopped by his desk after their tours were finished wanting to “chat” with a real live student.
The conversation always started the same way - “so are you a student here?” And he would respond “yes”, because he was, and there was no point in lying. And they would always respond with something along the lines of, “and how do you like the school?” And when there were admissions counselors and tour guides milling about, keeping an ear open for potential slander, he didn’t have the option of telling them that he was there because it’s the only school he applied to. And he applied because Pandora applied, and it was across the country from their parents, and they were both getting full rides. So he would recite, in an absolute monotone, things about “small class size” and the “friendly community”. This was usually enough to satisfy them, but sometimes they made the mistake of asking follow up questions.
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