#doesn't work with my insurance anymore so i have to pay for her but i want to know how much they'll cover and then i have to make an

[quemirabobo]

I just realized that I've been putting too much on my plate lately and instead of getting some of that shit done all I end up with is feeling sick every week and things keep accumulating and I stress myself ten times more and I end up doing nothing, reading something to distract myself of the fucking titanic quest I put my ass on

[lizzydizzyyo]

I think what's really compelling about House's absolute unwillingness to bow down to anything or anyone (the ethical board, the law, extra rich CEO, vindictive police officer, and even the patients themselves) regardless of how absolutely batshit and downright illegal his actions are, is because it's coming from a chronically disabled person, in more ways than one.

He cannot walk without agony or his cane. His chronic and severe pain led him down the path of deep Vicodin addiction until he also becomes psychologically dependent on it too (once, Dr Cuddy gives him saline placebo and it "works", in that he is not feeling his leg pain anymore for a few hours).

He understands it deeply just how desperate people can be when they're in pain and nobody can (or are willing to) help them—at least, so far, until they land on his doorstep. Which is canonically the most extreme step patients take when everything else fails—you don't just go straight to Plainsborough Teaching Hospital and to Dr Gregory House MD's office; you have to go through dozens of other doctors in various specialties and failed treatments too.

(Although that's a separate discussion about how doctors, particularly resident ones, are overworked and underpaid and redtaped by shithead insurance companies even if they do know how to treat a patient and want to).

He knows, from the bottom of his heart, that having such a painful and life-limitting debilitating condition is comparable to hell on earth, because he has one. He knows, that despite his disability being visible to everyone, yet no one wants to put an effort to help him deal with it—is also hell on earth.

Cuddy simply throws money at him and turns the other way to his Vicodin abuse, like she is saying, "I don't care if he takes 10 Vicodin pills a day or more, and I have to pay at least $1M every year for lawsuits, as long as he gets the job done," (and when they decide to go into relationship, she immediately drops him when he relapses, even if the reason for his relapse is her—although, yes, there is another discussion to be had about keeping yourself and your child(ren) safe being a priority compared to helping an addict, recovering or not). Wilson, as loyal as he is to House, simply either enables him or lectures him without going into the root of the issue and thoroughly help House that way. His subordinates, especially after the original trio, are simply too scared, too ignorant, or too ambitious to even approach the issue and choose to keep their job than help House (also another discussion to be had about how you can't help people who don't want to help themselves and so on).

So when he sees a patient who has gone through hell trying to get a correct diagnosis and treatment, he becomes laser-focused on doing everything under the sun to get to the bottom of it and cure the patient. He doesn't care if he has to break into countless of houses (haha pun) and collect insane and probably biohazard samples to do it—he absolutely will, no question.

Yes, hate-criming and being a bigot is his favorite hobby (still livid at the asexual ep and the production's choice for the resolution, let's just say I still have beef with Hugh Laurie and the entire production team for it), and so is insulting patients in so many ways that Shakespeare would personally fly to New Jersey and shake his hands if someone manage to successfully perform necromancy on ol' Billy boy. But House is no one if not dedicated. "Yes, my patient is an idiot, everyone is an idiot too, but I WILL cure their condition like my life depends on it," is basically his middle name.

Besides, you can make the argument that he is more compassionate than all the other doctors around him, because despite his absolute disdain towards some of his patients' beliefs and stupidity, he still works his ass off to treat them. He will call your god an idiot in 7 different languages while putting you in a diagnostic machine he manipulated the whole hospital into letting him use so that you could get a test which weren't available to you before. He will tell you that your currently-happy marriage will end in a bloody divorce and your ex will leave you penniless so love is not real while injecting you with a medication he had to hack the CDC's database for.

There are even episodes that show him being truly earnest, like the clinic duty scene where he is snarky as usual to a girl who seemingly stupidly had unprotected sex until she lashes out, and House is like, "Oh shit, this is above my paygrade", and immediately goes to Cuddy with a very serious expression and no sarcastic dilly-daliying, demanding her to transfer the patient to someone else because he is not good with "curing" rape case (interesting choice on the writers' part to make the patient insist to have therapy with House, though).

There is an episode about a very workaholic woman executive in a fashion company who has tremor and partial paralysis, and later on it's shown that she seems to tie her worth as a person to her corporate success while band-aiding her deep psychological issue like her suicidal ideation, and House genuinely asks her, "Do you want to live? I cannot help you unless you want me to," or something along the line.

There is also the cursed 9-year-old terminal brain cancer episode where Chase kissed the patient (ew), where at first it shows House being a usual misanthophe to Wilson and saying, "She is not brave, it's the brain tumor clot talking because it must be near the amygdala." Later in the episode, House sits near the patient alone, and compassionately asks her if she even wants to live, going through the rest of her short-lived but horrible agony, even if they catch the clot. The surgery to find and get rid of the clot is risky and can debilitate her even more, and this is why House is laying the decision to her hands. That she gets to choose. This is what truly reveals to him that she is genuinely brave (aside from the scan showing the clot to be so far away from her amygdala), but for the wrong reason. She is brave for her mom, willing to go through horrible surgery and drag out her already painful cancer-ridden life because, "My mom needs me". When everyone is congratulating her in the end, you can tell House has a bittersweet expression of both awe towards her bravery, and sadness that this 9-year-old sick girl has to bear the brunt of her horrible pain just so that her mother is not sad. That he couldn't convince her to be a child until the nearing end of her life.

The most interesting evidence of his compassion to me is the gunman hostage episode. It might sound weird because in the whole episode, he is depicted to first want to outsmart the gunman patient, then becomes laser-focused but only because he sees it as a puzzle, then absolutely selfish and dangerous because he volunteers himself as the last hostage and gives the gun back to the guy after the MRI. I do think it's true that his dedication to solving patients-are-just-puzzle-to-me conditions shines through in the episode, especially the scene of him returning his gun, but there is something else I catch when I rewatched it before.

When the gunman patient is put in the MRI because Cameron tells him a theory through the hostage call, the remaining doctors in the room including House are wary at the gunman but also hopeful. Yet, when the result shows up on the screen, he realizes that the theory is wrong and the guy let go his only bargaining chip for nothing. If you watch this part carefully, you'll notice that House actually looks pitying and sad at the gunman's disappointed demeanor and expression. He realizes he is going to be another notch in the guy's failed doctors list, and at this point (with the gun given away and even the best, most talented doctor also not finding out what's wrong with him), the guy has given up hope that he will ever see the day he will be cured, certainly not behind the bars.

Yes, his thirst for puzzle is House's big driving force in giving back the gun, but you'll be lying to yourself if you don't notice House's compassion for the guy because he doesn't want the guy to go out empty-handed, with absolutely no more hope because House knows once they step out of the door, this guy will never, ever be allowed to be in the vicinity of any hospital or doctor ever again in his life, aside from jail's bare-minimum exams and medications. House can't handle the thought of putting someone else through his own disappointment—that nothing works to help his leg pain. He especially doesn't want to be the cause for this gunman guy's case either. Even in the end when House realizes the guy is a fucking moron because he doesn't know that Florida is, in fact, in earthwide-horizontal tropical zone and this is what stumps most of the guy's previous doctors—House still gives him a subtle salute to the guy while being handcuffed and led away, almost to say, "Enjoy your healing and the defeat of your arch nemesis The Sickness™, glad to be part of it."

Majority of his drive to stop at nothing until his patient is cured is definitely thanks to his own fucked-up leg, even if there are some dialogues with Cuddy and Stacy Warner (House's ex wife) that seem to imply he has always been a misanthrophe whose hobby is getting into malpractice (or general) lawsuits. I wholeheartedly believe that after his leg clot rendered him disabled and with chronic pain, he became much more dedicated and obsessed with getting to the bottom of a patient's medical information, even for info that seems innocuous or irrelevant that always turn out to be important (probably more like a plot armor than established characterization, to be honest), almost like this is his method of relating to the patients in his own weirdly human way, and maybe a little bit (actually, a lot) of projecting.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[samijami]

Oh I just had a funny thought

When I was younger, I absolutely refused to speak. I was so nonverbal and wouldn't talk to anyone. My parents hadn't gotten me to speak at all until I was 4. They had to bring me to a doctor and was told I'd never speak and needed to be taken to a speech therapist to have any sort of chance.

They refused to, and I only ended up speaking after I started school. I didn't even know my name, I couldn't pronounce my name when I saw it on my nametag on my desk. I ended up, after speaking, asking what it was. When I got told it was my name, I couldn't fucking believe it.

I jitt had to ask the teacher when she was handing out the nametags what it was. She said it was my name, I asked what the fuck my name was, she looked at me like I was half crazy, she had to pronounce my name to me and I forgot it yet again afterwards.

I looked at my nametag everyday and had to set a mental reminder that that was my name.

I couldn't remember anyone else's name either. Up until 4th grade I had to have a piece of paper with new kid's names on it to remember them.

I couldn't pronounce most words correctly until I was 8, and still couldn't pronounce words like 'unicorn', etc, right until I was 10. I then had a problem with pronouncing 'banana' until I was 13. I still do sometime have problems pronouncing banana-

They have refused me speech therapy my whole life since they said that there's nothing wrong with me. I had to almost fail kindergarten for them to even ask if there was something wrong with me. I had to: break a special ed teacher's nose, throw a desk, lose all of my friends within a half a year period, refuse to speak to (almost) anyone, eat pencil graphite, try to get a friend of mine to get infront of me in the line cuz I thought it was nice and then when she didn't take the gesture I thought she was being mean for not taking the gesture so I got upset and tried to force her to get infront of me cuz I didn't understand why she wasn't taking my nice gesture so then she hated me and called me a freak the day after, get locked in a room in the office all day multiple times throughout the year because I was having constant meltdowns and they wanted to 'calm me down', not understand any fucking social gestures and have a way too picky of an appetite for them to even consider I had something wrong.

And then I had to almost fail kindergarten for them to ask a doctor and put me on ADHD medicine.

And recently, they wonder why it's gotten worse, why I can't focus, why I don't understand anything about math, why I can't focus on reading intelligent things like science and maths, why I can't 'do what the other kids do'.

Why I can't remember full days on end.

And my therapist told me she was going to get my diagnosis for autism and DPDR, and she knew I had it. Guess what? I don't have a therapist anymore.

I love when I'm right on the edge of getting proper treatment and medicines, I can't have it.

My ADHD medicine even. I was happy with my Concerta for 10 years of my life, but they changed it to the generic Methylphenidate because the insurance company refused to pay for my Concerta suddenly. Now it doesn't work as good, and they blame me for that.

They blame me for all of my problems. They say I hold onto childish things I should've left behind.

How can I leave a part of me behind?

[donnerpartyofone]

I can't believe I'm about to do this. I mean don't get too excited, it's not interesting, I'm just forced to talk about it because that's the only power I have in this stupid situation.

A couple weeks ago I was prescribed this new asthma medication, even though my problem is almost definitely from muscular-skeletal pressure but nobody can figure that out yet, so for now I just have this inhaler so I'm not constantly suffocating. The first time I took it at the recommended dosage I had a bad panic attack that took me out for an entire day. I reduced the dosage so I didn't feel dangerously insane anymore, but it still causes my fucking rosacea to go completely out of control, which is not really something I can just ignore; it drives me crazy that insurance companies just treat rosacea like it's some fancy cosmetic issue, as if it doesn't affect your entire life when your skin is visibly deteriorating at an escalating rate, but that's another story... So anyway I have a giant bag of medications that either didn't work at all or actively harmed me (my typical experience with everything) that I haven't disposed of yet, so I dug around in there for a tube of Rhofade that like I don't even know how I got it because it's the premiere celebrity-endorsed thing and it's psychotically expensive, but anyway I decided to give it another shot because I'm desperate. First couple days it worked great. I thought all my problems were solved, except that I'd have to find a way to keep paying for it. Then it seemed not so great for a couple days. Then things started to get pretty rocky. I wondered if it had to do with not being careful enough in the sun or what, but I started to worry about the medication, so I did something that will sound insane, but oh well.

Months ago I complained to my GP that I was having a hard time finding a "real dermatologist" in the city, as opposed to a salesperson for predatory beauty treatments. I've been treated pretty badly by a variety of dermos over 15 years, I often had the feeling that I was neglected because I had a medical concern as opposed to like an expensive anti-aging concern or something. Sometimes a dermo advertises themselves as a medical professional, but when you get there you realize they're a glorified beautician and you're fucked. I went to a well-reviewed practice that's now called The Dermatology Specialists several times, and every time there was a mad rush to get rid of me. The actual head of the clinic saw me a couple times, and both times he came running at me with a needle without telling me what he was doing, to try to lance a mole that I wasn't there to discuss. One of these was right over my eye and you can imagine how scary this was. I eventually realized I didn't have to take that shit and swore him off. Years later when I decided to look for a dermo in my new neighborhood, I made an appointment at a "new" place that I realized too late was the same guy; he had rebranded and expanded his thing into a giant chain that's all over the city, like half or more of the dermos in my searches are attached to his practice and it's not always obvious until the appointment is made. Fuck. I thought, maybe things will be different at this location, I'm seeing a new person and I'm the only one in the waiting room, seems pretty chill. I actually had to get a mole removed that time. I sat down with the new doctor who frantically explained what she was going to do to me before saying "OK BYE!!!" and racing out the door, which she had almost closed all the way behind her before she remembered that she still had to actually do the procedure. I couldn't believe I'd fallen for this clinic's bullshit yet again!

So that's when I talked to my GP and she wrote me a referral for what I took to be a real doctor. His office was clean, simple, and unpretentious. When I got there, an exiting patient was thanking the doctor profusely for something, like from the depths of his soul. We sat down together and he calmly denounced all the lasers and other expensive snake oil that had been upsold to me over the years. He told me to scale back to just a basic Aveeno face wash and moisturizer, and I was so relieved that he wasn't some greedy hipster asshole...however. He also told me that the active ingredient in Afrin, an OTC decongestant nasal spray, has the same effects as the top of the line rosacea medication Rhofade, and many of his patients have success just applying it to their skin. I was so impressed that he wasn't trying to sell me anything, and that he was empowering me to just take care of my own shit at home, that I believed him.

So flashing forward to the past week: I use this new inhaler that I need if I want to breathe, my face blows up like a bomb, I try Rhofade and it seems to make things worse...and then I buy some Afrin and put it on. It pretty much burned my face off my skull. My skin was purple and my face completely changed shape for more than 24 hours. I thought, at least I have this cold pack that's made for faces, for swelling from dental surgery and shit (it was recommended to me by my TMJ specialist who is also fucking with me right now but that's another story). I applied it, and it made everything a thousand times worse than it had ever been. I had to cancel all my plans. I took Tylenol, antihistamines, drank tons of water, whatever I thought would help. A colloidal oatmeal-based moisturizer kind of did something for me, but not remotely enough. It's a couple days later, now, and I'm still not completely over it, and I'm having random intense and painful flareups. I've never had exactly this problem before. And by the way "just using a moisturizer" has not helped anything at all this entire time, even though it's the advice I always get (sometimes VERY rudely) no matter what I say. Dry skin is not my problem, someone could tell just from touching it. Just being mindful of the sun and trigger foods and shit is not the answer. I know there's something else going on and like nobody cares to find out.

So anyway I'm having a followup appointment with my GP to explain all this...and in the meantime I'm going back to the fucking snake oil clinic. I just absolutely need something for right now, I don't know if it will be an antibiotic or what. I've spent years looking for a real medical dermatologist and I know I'm not going to just find one overnight, so I'm subjecting myself to more humiliation at the most convenient place, and I'll deserve whatever I get I guess. At least my appointment is with a guy I haven't seen before. Cross your fingers for me that he doesn't give me something else that just melts my face off of my face.

[fireheartedpup]

I think my birthday has become a trigger for me. There's no one to invite. It's nice that my parents still want to go all out, but I don't know what to tell mom because I don't want to do anything.

No one here cares about the pandemic and I'm not even sure how much to care anymore because they stopped caring when it was still in full swing. I haven't gotten covid even though I haven't avoided my family, who stopped taking precautions a few months in and think masking is stupid, so what have I even been doing? Has it done anything at all?

I'm still happy that I haven't gotten sick other the built in body issues in... how long has it been? Five fucking years? But I miss feeling normal.

I don't want to live here and I don't want to do this and I don't know what to do even when I know what to do. The only thing that really motivates me is being angry. I hate being angry.

I don't want to live in this reality and I don't have enough money to move and whenever anyone tries to change things here, they're met with a bunch of people saying you can't change things here because we haven't changed things here so you can't change things here.

I think my dog deserves better and I don't have enough money to pay off my debt, much less a specialist. She's not neglected or anything I just have higher standards now. I'm probably still alive because of her. If I die, no one will know for days. Maybe a week or more. No one's coming to check on me.

Mom might come eventually but mom comes sporadically because she tries to give me space. I flip between wanting to cut my parents out entirely and just wanting to see them. They're still conservative and I can never trust them the same way again, but they've supported me the entire time.

I did beg for some of it. But they have supported me.

Dad's cranky because prices are going up and he didn't plan on supporting me this long and he's in the same position I am. I inherited the no friends disease. I'm fucking pedigreed in mental illness. He likes drinking wine even though eating makes him throw up now. He doesn't want to see a normal doctor.

His mom has had many cancerous growths removed. I should probably get ready to deal with his stuff.

Mom clearly wants to leave and doesn't feel she can. It's tough when being with someone makes your life harder, but you can see them actively getting better. I think it's one reason she wants to keep her flight attendant job even though she's becoming less and less physically able. She can just pick up and leave whenever she wants.

I feel stupid and useless for not earning enough by now. I know that's not entirely realistic because I read it takes two years to get over an abusive environment and it's only been one. My parents love me, but living in that house put me in fight or flight mode every time I went to the kitchen.

I feel paralyzed and when I try to look up jobs I want to break down entirely. I've made half-hearted attempts to build my own thing but it feels like I'm never able to pick the right thing, that I'll always burn out, that I can never tell what's going to work, that every thing I'm actually excited about is doomed to fail.

Sometimes I don't even want to support people because it feels like my support is the death knell for their cause.

I'm trying to restructure my thinking. I spend almost all of my time doing that. It's difficult to escape the social media whirlpool when social media is so attached to so many different forms of monetary income these days.

I thought I could get free therapy with my insurance so I could bounce this off of a therapist instead of tumblr or a random person but I'm not sure anymore so I gave up.

I feel like I'm overwhelmingly tired and negative and hurt and angry and that no one should have to deal with that.

I'm trying to make friends with my neighbors, but either I don't text back in enough time or they just don't respond. I don't know why or where or when it goes wrong. I start avoiding everyone because I'm waiting for it to go wrong.

I want to get on medication but I just saw that thing about the autistic licenses in MY state. The government doesn't want me. They don't even want me to exist. I don't want to give them the option of using it against me in any way.

It's very hard to get myself out of a spiral. I should probably look into ocd help a bit more. I don't know if that's me or if this is an offshoot of something else, but either way it's connected.

The recent blog thing has just reinforced me feeling stupid and isolated. I'm very grateful for the people who've been here for me. I don't want anyone to ever feel obligated to support me. But I'm having a really hard time.

And it feels stupid to be having a hard time. I have more than most.

I want to live in a different reality.

[br1ghtestlight]

I worry about how Gayle can pay for her meds. I mean I wouldn’t put it past her to use her sister’s insurance to pay for them. Gayle neglecting to take her meds or choosing not to take them to save money or because she “felt good enough” that she could just skip days. It would explain Gayle’s extreme personality.

very true!! Also this reminded me that i have an uncle who is also severely mentally ill and my grandma's struggles w/ keeping him medicated. but he has schizophrenia which i dont think gayle has?? there's like some doctor thing that means they can technically keep him on meds somewhat against his will (but not entirely i dont know. ive met him like twice in my entire life) and even though my grandma lives across the country she takes care of him and makes sure he goes to the psych ward when needed etc

maybe gloria and al have a similar thing going on with gayle?

not sure how the american health system works but if she's on disability due to her mental health conditions it's possible they're covered by like the medicaid health insurance. can definitely see her deciding she doesn't need her meds anymore and going cold turkey and linda having to force her to take them again 😭 maybe that's why she lives so close to linda and family??

[souryogurt64]

I’m so tempted to go to the last show but I already went to Saturday’s show and my mom will most likely not let me go because she’ll say that I already went. Might fuck around and ask my dad to get us tickets because I need to see this last show….

I am really sorry to trauma dump on your ask specifically, and this doesn't really seem like it's your situation. But. I've been wanting to tell you guys this happened last month. I didn't really know how because it was so extreme, even for me usually. But I get a lot of kids venting to me about their parents in my inbox. Just in general, but especially a bunch lately regarding Fall Out Boy concert ticket drama. So I guess this is a cautionary tale and advice for any kid following me with emotionally abusive parents who is having a hard time getting to whatever show on this tour, because I think there's got to be at least ten of you following me

Backstory, I'm 24 and got my first "real" job in February. It's like. An actual job that pays well and has health insurance and time off and benefits and stuff. I never thought this was achievable for me. This came very out of nowhere and was a huge shock to everyone.

My parents definitely did not think I was ever capable of doing this. I think they're kind of in a "denial" phase. They had me 100% convinced I was never going to be able to hold a job and I was always going to be dependent on them or homeless or something, IDK. Anyway, I’ve been there for almost 6 months, so I was taking my first vacation-- like my first-ever actual one with PTO-- to visit my friend and see Fall Out Boy.

My parents had offered to let me borrow the car to do this. They had been telling me everything was fine for months leading up to it. Stuff had been going fine between us for awhile. I delivered my mom’s favorite flowers for mother's day because I was on a business trip. Like a week before this I went out for a "really important" dinner with my dad and his boss and his boss' daughter as a "huge favor."

I also needed to be home that week anyway because I had to see my psychiatrist, and also it was my best friend from high school's 21st birthday. And my parents have 2 cars, my dad works from home and my mom works at a school a 5 minute walk from our house and it was July. So it made no logistical sense for me to get a rental. But if they hadn't offered or been okay with me taking the car, I would have said "Ok, no problem."

Anyway, as soon as I got off the Metra, I knew something was weird. They made me drive and my mom was screaming and gasping and saying I was driving "crazy" and "too fast" when I was going 20 below the speed limit. Also that my sunglasses "weren't safe" for driving. But instead of taking them off, I had to wear hers. She did this when I was a kid and I got anything nice like a sleepover or a Girl Scouts trip or something. She was trying to pick a fight that she could progressively escalate, and then tell me I couldn't go because of something I did or said. And sure enough, when I tried saying no to one of her weird power plays, she started saying I had to do it or I wouldn't see Fall Out Boy.

Except I'm not a kid anymore so this was meaningless. Once we got home I tried to disappear but my dad wanted us to "talk it out." It kept escalating because my mom was fake crying and saying she didn't know anything about the concert until the night before and wasn't okay with me taking the car. Which was all a lie. I started to get pretty agitated, because it was gaslighting in a non-post-ironic sense, and she started filming me. This was something she did a lot when I was younger.

I had been trying my best to ignore her. At this point though, I felt this was going to go on for however many hours it took for there to be some kind of insane drama, and my dad was going to enable it.

Again if they hadn't wanted me to take the car, that would've been fine. But by offering to let me take the car and then pulling this, they tricked me into a situation where getting to Fall Out Boy was either going to be a very prolonged and horrible emotional nightmare, or a a very expensive logistical nightmare. It was also about trying to punish me for going and make my special first vacation-slash-Fall-Out-Boy-Extravaganza as miserable and stressful as possible, I think, which definitely worked.

So anyway, she starts filming me saying I'm being hysterical and out of control. I was pretty upset but I was just sitting at the table and kind of crying.

I was holding a glass of water, so I stood up and threw the water at her. At this point I think everything went off the deep end. I don't want to get into all of it, but there was a lot of screaming. Other highlights included my dad grabbing a knife laying on the counter (lol) and me shattering the actual glass. Then things started getting very physical so I kicked my dad in the balls as hard as I could. After that my mom started trying to call the cops so she could try to get them to take me to the psych ward in a cop car again but I said some stuff that scared her into stopping.

So for anyone following me who's younger and has parents with like mental issues or is in an abusive household. There is nothing you can do to prove to your parents they should "let" you go. There is no magic age where you will be "old enough" to leave the house or do things. There is no GPA you can achieve or degree or even job you can get that will make your parents okay with you going places and doing things. There is nothing you can do to earn it. It is never going to happen.

You just need to get out as soon as you can and minimize contact. Better yet, find a way to go to concerts anyway. I had money and access to a car but I was afraid of drama and thought if I just tried hard enough someday they'd let me go. They were never going to. Just go to the concert anyway and ignore whatever drama happens and know it will be over eventually. The fact that you went will matter way more in three years.

My honest advice to any teenage girl whose parents won't let them go to a concert is this: Literally any slightly older boy will take you to a concert if you buy him a ticket. Do not mention anything about your parents not knowing because they will get paranoid. Be safe, only do this with people you know and trust, do not have sex with anyone, and use your best judgement about the kind of people you hang out with. But this is your best bet. Sneak out if you have to.

But as an example, my friend worked at Jimmy John's in high school and college. All her coworkers were guys and some of them were college aged. We'd go to their Dungeons and Dragons sessions. Literally any one of them would've gladly taken a free ticket to see Fall Out Boy, and none of them would've done anything weird. I could've just told my parents I was sleeping over at her house and not said anything. She could've gone too and then I could've actually spent the night at her house. It would've all been fine. I was just too scared of my parents to do anything like that. If it's on a weeknight just sneak out and deal with it or say you're working and don't come home. Make sure you go to school the next day though.

Also I had money and worked a lot but my parents were really obsessive about my bank account. If you're in a situation like that, just ask your job to start giving you checks, open an account at another bank, and start cashing only some of them there. It's hard and scary and a lot of responsibility, but it's easier than you think, and it's worth it. The people at the bank will help you, just don't mention your parents because they'll get paranoid. (The earlier you start doing this the better--I'm 24 and dealing with the bank drama now and it's way worse than if I had thought about this 8 years ago). You deserve to do things like this and you should not feel guilty about it

Just your gut. Do not sleep over or get drunk/high with a guy unless it's someone you really know and trust. If you're going anywhere with someone just actually be friends with them first. Also do not do this with guys that are too much older either, because they're definitely going to be weird. But if you're 17 and give a 19 year old friend-of-a-friend a free ticket to Fall Out Boy, they'll gladly drive you. If you're in college, just be smart, and be safer than you think you need to be. But this advice applies to a lot of like 18-20 year olds too. Good luck haha

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

So, my tentative employer was unable to complete my background check because they couldn't confirm one of my old jobs. They need me to upload my W2s, but I don't have them anymore because this was literally two presidential administrations ago, so they told me to ask the IRS to send me copies. I spent the last hour and a half trying and failing to set up an account with the IRS; I couldn't upload all my documents because my scanner kept cropping half an inch off the side of my birth certificate even though the glass is the exact right size (not that it would have done me any good because the scanned image was covered in VOID VOID VOID watermarks specifically designed to prevent anyone from scanning it). Just then my mom called me, and as I was explaining to her what I was in the middle of she reminded me that I didn't file taxes the years I worked at the job in question because she and my dad claimed me as a dependent until I was 23 or 24 so I could get insurance through their Obamacare. The IRS doesn't even have the relevant W2s because I never gave them! This was a complete waste of my time! I'll either have to call my old boss and see if he can email me ANY documentation that proved I worked there (W2s, pay stubs, an employee ID number, anything), or else I'll have to tell the HR lady at my incoming job that I can't prove I worked there and they'll have to strike it from my record.

If I fail to get this job because I can't prove I was a cashier at a fucking seasonal fireworks tent for two months a year in college, I am going to self-immolate on the steps of city hall. I am so fucking close to having a job after three months of desperation, and I literally cannot afford to lose this. If I lose this, I'm fucked. I have no money. I am destitute.

I have two job-related appointments tomorrow; one with the HR department to get fingerprinted, and one with the health department to piss in a cup to show them I'm not a drug addict. I'll try to explain my situation to someone while I'm there, but I'm sure the HR lady will tell me that the background checks are handled by a third-party and I'd have to explain the situation to them directly, but I've checked and the third-party website doesn't have an option to explain a lack of identification, they just want me to upload the missing documents which I do not have and can not get, so I think I am truly, utterly, undeniably fucked six ways to Sunday.

We'll see how it goes, but I don't trust bureaucrats to do anything but screw me over.

Wish me luck tomorrow...

[maxine64]

vent post

I usually don't really like venting, as I hate seeming like I'm really pessimistic, but I feel like I've reached a breaking point. This week has been a mess

I'm tired and just frustrated, I feel like I'm always giving my 100, yet it feels like I get nothing in return.

One of my main clients is refusing to pay me 20 hours I worked on, same person who's really creepy calling me things like "babe" and "beauty" and keeps insisting we should meet in person, even tried to follow me on Instagram and told me that if I kept pushing him off, we'd stop working together. I work all damned day, yet I get barely nothing in return, I'm asked to always be ready and prepared for anything they might have, yet when I ask them a question, they take hours or days to respond. I never get told deadlines early on. I'm getting less money than a minimum wage employee working part-time and I'm working on a specialized field. I need the money to ensure I can pay my stay in Buenos Aires while recovering a bit from surgery if my social insurance decides not to pay it fully/at all.

On the other hand, socially I feel like a mess. I can't even land a singular date with a normal girl. Instead, I get a lot of creepy DMs that I just can't bare anymore, I'm constantly reminded I'm just a fetish to people. I'm falling apart on voice training, the group sessions I used to have are slowly fading away. I can't even enjoy a nice evening with friends because I'm constantly worried about what might happen. When I tell my mom that "I'm a woman like any else" she'll say "you're a person" as a response, like I should be thankful for having her consider me a person, meanwhile she's misgendering me in my back. My biggest brother, who I used to consider a friend, has stopped talking to me and doesn't even wanna see me. The Web Development course I sank hours into turned out to be a really big fraud. The 4 interviews I was given by the municipality of diversity, I didn't land even a second interview! Hell, I couldn't even get a second interview in the job quota program for trans people. I had to leave my current psychologist because she just wasn't helping me at all after like 7 sessions, I'm afraid the same thing might happen with the next psychologist I go to.

It feels like nothing can cheer me up, like I can't make a goddamned difference in my life, I'm so exhausted.

[aliciachimera]

Personal thoughts tonight

I suppose I don't really Want neverending happiness. I know that sometimes we feel sad, we feel angry, we feel scared, we feel things as a response to the world around us, and to what's inside of us.

It's hard getting a feel for what I need And having the ability to address that need. Its cold outside but I don't shiver, I get anxious instead. If I'm hungry my stomach doesn't growl, I get anxious instead. If I'm sleepy I can't just lie down in bed and sleep, I feel anxious in bed until my body is too tired to stay awake.

The changing of seasons feels a little more difficult for me to adapt to this year. Its not just the cold, the hunger, or the restlessness. I feel like I operate on time limits all the time, like there's always Something that needs doing on the back of my mind even when I try to relax and its been wearing me down for a very long time.

Sometimes I feel.. afraid of how well my friends have been doing. Of the things they're doing, what they're able to do for themselves. Its self-destructive to compare myself and my position in life to all of them and feel subpar for it. Legitimate reasons for needing to take my own pace start feeling like excuses, and the feeling of inadequacy sets in as I struggle to grow against the odds given to me. Beautiful blooms and bounties to share with each other, while I struggle to make a garden out a desert, long deprived of its water and resources.

With my mother in mexico, I haven't been disturbed as frequently which is supposed to feel nice, but the past few days I've been feeling more tired than usual. Hard to fall asleep, hard to get up out of bed when I do wake up. I think about my family and I just feel empty inside because I sometimes remember the good times we used to have, in between a lot of the bad and traumatic. There was a time where I felt like I could feel close to and trust my parents even amidst their fighting. And that didn't last. My dad Wants me to talk to him again but I am so, so tired of trying to argue with him about my life choices. About my gender, my sexuality, my dreams for the future. There was a point where it felt like it was me and my older sister working together and being there for each other when the rest of our family weren't. With my sister moved out, and my mom spending significantly more time with her relatives than expressing any interest in me, I just feel.. alone more often than not. The husk kept alive by online experiences, friends, and the hope for a future where I don't have to be so isolated anymore.

I struggle to save up money, and its becoming an increasing issue as each month goes by and I lose string after string of dependence on my parents for things like insurance, shelter, and food. I need my own insurance, which starts next year. I pay rent, but I ultimately want to save up my money before attempting to move out. And food, I don't know, I just, get tired of looking at so many things that I just have to pass on, leave behind because its just cheaper to get the same things week after week.

I used to feel afraid that every time I fell asleep, it'd be a different person waking up in my body. Nowadays, that feels like a blessing, a promise that maybe I really Can leave behind all of this trouble, and actually start living for myself without the cumulative financial destruction caused by each of my family. I would never have cosigned for my mother's car if she was going to stop paying for it and let it get repo'd, damaging my credit score. I would never have let my dad make me sign up for a school I didn't personally want, and get a loan in my name to pay for it that I'm now struggling to pay 5 years later. I would have never helped my older sister with her payments by overdrawing my bank account almost every two weeks and leaving very little, if any, for myself.

Everything I did, I did to appease them, help them, make them happy. And all I got were blames, shifts of responsibility, that I'm on my own, now. They won't help me. They can't.

I'm Alicia, I'm 26 years old, and I believe there's a better life out there for me somewhere.

[nyrator]

Got the Rotten Nyan tumblr queued up with art I've neglected to post on there.. keeping a few more sketchy doodley art still on Twitter/the website, but should be all up a little after midnight my time~

... still feel really self conscious with the kind of content I've been making vent art of lately, please don't be afraid to message me with any concerns or criticisms... I tried tagging it all with a custom warning tag (that way it won't nuke the post, I think...) hopefully that's enough... if not hopefully people let me that as well

In other life news, I'm seeing a therapist, got a job, etc~ More in the cut

So, yeah. Life.

Still a vtuber, but feels like I've stalled lately... Not in terms of growth (if anything I keep growing), but in terms of motivation. I have a list of games to play, but I just can't focus on playing games anymore, it's rough.. mostly do zatsus, but even those are pretty hit or miss and sometimes I spiral into really dumb personal unprofessional rambles...

My art commissions are picking up- more than I can handle, honestly... My clients have gotten pretty big and it's getting me recognition, I have a few big offers in store once I can get around to them and I'm excited about it... but commissions are hard. I'm going to raise prices in January, and I try to accept five a month... but I can't keep up. I can't even do one a month it feels like... And yet I keep getting dozens of requests..

So in spite of this, because of my own doing and lack of doing, I've been bleeding a lot of money. I'm at a dangerous point of money... so I finally got a seasonal job at a local chocolate shop.

Haaaaaaaa.....

It's rough... I was in a huge depression over it, and I still don't want to work... The people are nice, the hours are light, and the pay is better than expected, but it's still so stressful... My social anxiety is terrible lately, it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I can't stand it, I can't stand being seen, I can't focus or memorize anything on the register, I can't handle dealing with customers or fast-paced environments...

They say the season lasts until Easter because of the nature of the store, but maybe I'll leave after Christmas time if it doesn't work out.. It's really a pain, and also could affect things like my food stamps and subsidized rent. Plus, the gas I have to spend, the clothes I had to buy, etc etc.. I wonder if it'll be worth it (probably, but nyeh)

I'm in need of money, though... one, my phone is on its last legs. The battery barely lasts an hour, it's very slow and unresponsive, and the 32 GB of storage is becoming more and more unwieldy.. Going to maybe buy one tonight...

My throat is also been a mess lately- I've had trouble swallowing, to the point I was unable to eat anything without a 50-50 chance of just choking on it. Drinking water was like waterboarding, it was like I was drowning. After raising my mattress, it's helped a lot, but not entirely, so I think it's something to do with scarring thanks to acid reflux- been trying to get an endoscopy for a year and finally have one scheduled in mid December. I'm worried how much it might cost.. hoping insurance covers it, but I still had to pay almost a thousand for my colonoscopy a few years back, which terrifies me...

Other small things- items I'd like to own, taking care of Bootsie (she's fine but overdue for a checkup and she's like 13 years old), etc.

But yeah, therapy. Also started taking that- we're trying to avoid me taking any medication, but I'm afraid I might need it.. I see her every week and I've been going since early October, and she seems like a decent therapist- she's the same age as me and understands a lot of internet culture, which.. is weird to talk to someone like that who "gets it" (she's a cosplayer, for example, and knows of vtubers), but it's nice.

Been reliving a lot of past stuffs... Been trying to improve, had some good phases, but fell back apart recently and not sure how far I can really get... keeping my apartment clean is hard, feeding myself is hard, drawing and doing anything is hard. I don't watch any media these days besides some indie vtubers I know, I don't really do much of anything but be depressed.

My biggest issue, as always, is my complex/trauma/whatever you want to call it... I've started trying to embrace it the past year. I've openly admitted to it, I made an alternate Twitter account for vent art of it, etc. But it makes me hate myself so much... It's become an addiction it feels like. Do I let it consume me and fully embrace it, even though it will push people away and make people think worse of me? Even though it will attract strange people who want creepy things from me? Even though it's expensive and gross and exhausting and uncomfortable to manage?

Or do I try to quit cold turkey? Get it all out of my system, and then never talk about it again. Delete the vent account, stop drawing it, stop being paranoid without things to take care of it, and just move on. I don't know. It's a part of me. But I hate it. And I really hate myself for it, it's my biggest tool to hate myself with.

But I've tried to embraced it, and that's what the RN update will have, and I apologize for it. I don't know how to move forward now. Therapy reopened a lot of thoughts about it- it really is a weird trauma, and a lot of it stems from my childhood... I want it gone. I want to be okay and not hurt myself mentally...

But such is life I supposeee. Again, I apologize that most of my art lately has been venting about it.. even if I embrace it, I don't want to be exclusively that kind of artist, you know? It's just one of many aspects. But it's invasive. And I don't want it to be invasive, but I don't know how to handle it.

The main goal of therapy is to get me drawing again. To give me what I've lost- a drive and motivation to continue. It feels like I just go through the motions when I draw. It's awful. I can't picture anything, no ideas. Rotten Nyan is completely stagnant lately. I don't know what to do about it. Life is just empty and depressing, it feels like. I gave up on myself, and now I don't know how to un-give up. But that's what therapy's for. Hopefully it helps... She brought up medication again, and I wonder if I should try it at this rate...

My anxiety is very bad. I end up relying on my complex trauma coping methods a lot when anxious. It's embarrassing and gross. And it just fuels my anxiety more using those things. I can't stand driving, or being around people, or crowded situations. I can't handle stress, or excitement, or being praised, or anything. My nerves are shot and I just have to curl into a ball. I don't know how I'm going to improve, but I have to try...

And then my focus, which I just can't focus at all anymore.. I don't know if it's depression/anxiety, ADHD, or what, but I just can't focus at all. It's awful. Very forgetful, very not-able-to-draw.

Otherwise, not much different. Got the new Nagata Kabi manga (I still worry about her a lot... she's so relatable though, she speaks to me, but she flares my anxiety like crazy too...) Still obsessed with my Disney anime boy gacha game, it's great, Vil's great. Vil, Cater, Lilia, Jade... so many good characters....

I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving- will keep doing what I can to try to improve.

And again, I'm really sorry about my art output and that most of it is just gross vent art about a gross personal trauma... I'm sorry...

[stevishabitat]

Long rant/emotional vomit incoming…. 

Where to start? 

In August, our neighbors moved out and left their outdoor cat, Franklin behind. We'd gotten him neutered last year during the big TNR project, so he'd retired from both the kitten factory and the tom cat fight club. So he was left kind of hanging around at loose ends.

Franklin in his previous outdoor life

He'd come to the porch for dinner with the ferals, but we could tell he wasn't super healthy, and when we had a heatwave in the 100°F range, and saw him looking like melted cat on the hot pavement, we just couldn't stand it anymore. Clearly they weren't coming back for him, and no one else was taking care of him. So we brought him inside.

This brings our indoor crowd to six. Four adults and two kittens (all courtesy of the same neighbors who had a constant stream of kittens that they would raise and then put outdoors to fend for themselves - we are not regretting their departure from the neighborhood).

The Crew at Feeding Time

So Franklin actually adjusted really quickly to full-time indoor life. But he came with a bunch of hitchhikers. Ear mites, fleas, and tapeworm for certain. I tried OTC treatments at home, but wasn't making progress, and Franklin clearly also suffered from flea allergies and secondary ear infections and skin infections from the mites.

So off to the vet we went.

He had two different bacterial infections in his ears (the tech that read the ear swab slides said "beyond reality"), so he got a full-spectrum antibiotic shot, twice-daily ear mite treatment, and I ended up with a Revolution Plus prescription and tapeworm meds for all six cats, to break the parasite cycle.

Franklin at vet visit #1

I'm hoping we're on the upward swing of things, although Franklin still has raw patches from the flea allergies that he licks compulsively. I've used an OTC cortisone spray for him, but he may need a more systemic approach. Meaning either a shot or prescription. Another trip to the vet is in the works.

Frankie being just the Sweetest

Little man, Henry, still needs to be neutered and he's going on six months old, so I can't put it off much longer. Three of the others need annual vaccinations. The plan was to do one vet visit per month, if I can swing that financially, but that's looking more difficult than I hoped. 

The Babies: Henry and Patches

We are also fighting a losing battle to keep our water heater running. It was damaged by the flood last July, but we've kept it limping along for a whole year. We've now been without hot water since the beginning of September.

My grandma (who owns the house, but is currently living with another relative) is still hesitant to invest in a new water heater. It will take all of us (me, my parents, and grandma) to jointly pay for it. So without her go-ahead, we're kind of in limbo. There are a couple more parts we can try replacing before we're certain it's unfixable. But my dad doesn't want to pay a plumber, he wants to do those himself.  

I bought a tankless point-of-use water heater so we can at least put together a temporary shower and sink in the basement.

But getting that installed and set up has been more difficult and costly than expected (needing extra adapters and fixtures to connect to old plumbing) and although my dad is doing the work when he can, he's also working part-time and can barely walk most days. He can really only do at-home projects once a week at most, and some weeks he just doesn't have the time or physical capacity. 

My pharmacy, insurance, and neurologist can't seem to connect the dots to get my Aimovig refilled, so I'm now more than a month without a migraine preventative and I'm running out of rescue meds.

I had been paying someone to help around the house for an hour twice a month, but I really can't afford it. But without the help, and without migraine meds, and with cats that are still having digestive issues from the worms, and fleas still hatching out and infesting the house... It's a hot mess.

Can you believe this service exists???

Anyway, we're floundering.

Physically, financially, mentally, emotionally... It's draining.

Anyway, I basically ended up maxing out my credit card on all of this chaos. And this is the time of year that work slows down and overtime dries up.

I wasted so much money on things that didn't fix the fleas, or Franklin's illnesses, or the water heater, or my migraines... or... or....

So much money on meal replacement shakes because I'm too nauseated to eat, and delivery for kiddo because I don't have the energy to cook.

Bought a bunch of rinse-free body cleansers and shampoos so we can try to maintain self-care and hygiene without hot water. Got that tankless water heater and a shower tent and floor mat hoping to make kiddo more comfortable with showering somewhere other than the bathroom (they're still very much against the idea). 

The payment for kiddo's therapy bounced this week, and my biweekly paycheck can't cover that and the credit card payment. So it will probably bounce next week too. I think after two non-payments we have to give up our time slot. Therapy is so important for kiddo's mental health. I have to find a way to keep up with that if nothing else. 

Kiddo is absolutely at max capacity for demands and just can't help at all, can't even do basic self-care, clean up after themselves, or help with the cats like they used to. The state of the house is stressing them out, and they want more connection with me and Grandmummy, that we don't have the time or spoons to give.

Kiddo, Jack and Henry

My mom has also been without her meds for several weeks, and honestly, she's been in an autoimmune flare for most of this year. I think all the physical work from the flood, plus the mold, and a case of covid in the last year really messed her up. 

My dad going back to work (which was financially necessary) means he's physically unable to do things at home, and time wise he's not able to pick my sister-in-law up from work, or take grandma to doctors appointments - so all of that is on my mom now. So she's less able to spend time with kiddo - leaving me as sole caregiver most of the time, including when I'm working from home.

My car is still dead from the flood, and the vehicle I share with my parents has multiple issues. So I get groceries and necessary supplies delivered and only do errands on the day I take kiddo to therapy. That's about as much as I can physically do anyway.

That one time we thought the car was driveable (we were very wrong)

I was supposed to meet my (long-distance) girlfriend for renaissance festival this weekend, but I don't have gas money and her car is in the shop getting necessary brake repairs. It's our twice a year getaway without kids, and I think we're going to miss it.

RenFaire in the Spring

I'm really just venting because I don't have anyone to talk to who isn't also in the thick of it with me. 

I think a lot of my mutuals will understand all of this. So if you're in a mess like this, know that it's not just you. You aren't a failure. 

We're all doing the best we can, and sometimes no matter what you do, the best still looks like a disaster. 

[fxllen-rxse]

//The frustration is so real.... Here comes a work vent... If it's not you're thing, just ignore. I'll delete later, but I'm desperately needing to get this off my chest.

I've never been so utterly frustrated with work.

We have a young clerk that we hired back a little over a year ago. She's 21 now, has a one year old and is dealing with the kid's father, who is younger and cheated on her. So he's not really in the picture, so to speak. She lives with her mom right now.

She worked here when she was in school, but when c/vid hit, the owner "furloughed" her and someone else. Both ended up quitting. She was hired back when we had someone else quit last year since she was already somewhat trained.

Was fine at first, but her attitude towards others, we have learned, isn't the best. We've had mentions that she has been rude and at least 1 customer literally said that she has the personality of a tree. She has also been "written up" once or twice before.

She is currently less than part time so she can keep her state health insurance.

I've given her the benefit of the doubt, of course. Maybe it's just being blown out of proportion, but as time went on, she's become more and more flaky and undependable. Almost every pay period since she's been back she has missed a day a two. Either due to her kid or herself constantly being sick, which I get. It happens, but it's become such a regular thing anymore. Sometimes she'll also say she has some kind of emergency and is very vague about details and when or if she will be at work, which gives us little time to get coverage for her, if any. One time she was supposed to cover for someone on Saturday, but the day of, she was suddenly sick. This has happened on more than one occasion.

When she does mark herself off, she tends to either forget to tell anyone or just assumes it's fine. For example, a couple days prior, she half heartedly mentions that she won't be in on a Monday because it's her son's first birthday and it's special. Mondays are normally busy and she didn't even mark it down.

On top of this, she is supposed to take 30 minute lunch breaks. She marks herself down for such, but spends an additional 20 or so in the restroom afterwards. It might as well be an hour, but it's clearly not marked that way. Let alone the fact that she just randomly disappears in the middle of stuff for the same amount of time without saying anything multiple times per day.

So recently, several of us has voiced our frustrations with her. My husband, who is mostly in charge of the scheduling, talked with the owner, who already isn't fond of her because she has a nose ring, among other things. Supposedly he just wanted to fire her, but they're going with another approach. Getting fazed out, in a way. She will get her hours cut starting next week when school is out and two of our other employees can actually show up and work.

My husband informed her of this last Wednesday, after she somehow suddenly became sick and wanted to leave at 3. Afterwards, she left upset, and later texts him asking if she were to "accept" these new hours, which would be 3-6 m-f (because she doesn't want to work Saturdays, which is just 9-1), if she could get a raise...

When I was told about this, I couldn't wrap my head around it.... So she wanted more money for less work?!! And the fact that she assumed it was a choice?? I'm just.... I don't....

I have worked here for more than ten years and I don't think I've ever dealt with this amount of stress with another clerk. I am also a clerk. I am full time and, anymore, I feel like I'm babysitter when she's here just to make sure she isn't rude with people.

Maybe this is selfish of me. I'm older than she is, obviously. I have no kids and don't plan on having any, but as someone who doesn't and has had to work since I was 18, lost 2 parents at 20, and moved out shortly after to get away from my abusive step mother, I've been fortunate enough to work my way up to this point where my husband and I are stable with money and stuff and still have some luxuries sometimes. It wasn’t easy by any means.

And to some extent, I have some of my mom's leftover life insurance money to thank for a few things, but aside from that, neither of us were never just handed anything. We both have had to work our asses for this.

I will admit, her situation sucks all around. We have at least one tech who is against the idea of cutting her hours. He told my husband that it's "evil" and she's just a kid.

Maybe I am selfish. I have no kids and I don't know what it's like, but it's increasingly difficult for me to feel sorry for someone who's work ethic is almost nonexistent and just thinks she can get away with being paid more for doing as little as possible. Let alone made some poor life choices. I hate that I have think of it this way and I feel terrible, but I'm just frustrated to no end anymore.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, I need some validation maybe.

I don't know where to start... I am diagnosed with cptsd and most of the usual illnesses, that pair with it. 3 years ago I saw a therapist who wrote me sick for a year. But nothing changed during that year because I was still living with my mom, the root of my cptsd, and wasn't allowed to look for a therapist. That year went by and another where I could placate the state with my old sick-note. But this is now the 3rd year, the state doesn't pay me child support and all that other stuff you get in my country anymore, I don't have a health insurance anymore (I am working on that) and I am still not better. I am in a situation where I don't need the money because my partner earns enough. I moved out from my moms house for a few months but we moved back to her because my partner found a new job near her house and we are currently looking for our own apartment. During these few months I didn't find a therapist (because in my country it is common knowledge that you have to be on the waiting list for at least 1 year). I am in year 3 after college, never worked, and don't feel any better. And I feel so invalid. There are so many people with cptsd and other illnesses that go to work. But I can't. When I think about looking for a job I start shaking, when the topic comes up, I get a panic attack. I don't feel ready. Not at all. But I can't explain it to people, because they just think "Young person doesn't want to work". And I am myself unsure, if I couldn't overcome this feeling by just getting any job. But I suck at overcoming myself. I feel like all my energy goes out for comforting myself, making myself feel a little safe. There's no energy to leave this safety-bubble I created for myself. And I don't want to take just any job because my parents are from working class and all work brought them are several burnouts and heart attacks so...

I am sitting here, waiting for my medical insurance to be renewed, so I can start looking for a therapist that I will be able to visit in one year to work on my issues. I feel really shady, like a criminal, just "chilling my life" (sleeping 18 hours, having flashbacks in the meantime and when there's time I clean my moms house so she doesn't kick me and my partner out). There's not much more to say, just, that I feel such an amount of guilt.

Hi anon,

I'm really sorry to hear about everything you've been going through. It sounds like there are a lot of complicated facets to it. You've been dealing with a lot of stuff and it makes sense that you may feel very stressed out right now.

You don't deserve to compare yourself to others. Just because other people with CPTSD can go to work doesn't say anything about you. You're in a very difficult situation right now so it makes sense why that's not an option right now. Getting a job can be incredibly hard, not only physically but mentally as well. I'm wondering if you're on disability or considering, as you may be able to qualify.

I think the last thing you need is to feel guilty on top of everything you're dealing with right now. You deserve to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to process what you need to. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[agirlneedsgoals]

State of the Me

I'mma put all this here because reasons but I'm also gonna hide it behind a cut because nobody unsuspecting should be exposed to my (legitimate) whining.

Hi, Tumblr. Still stuck in sad panda, still not "back" here, yet. Any reblogs I do are generally because someone linked me to the post. I'm not ignoring anybody, I just can't deal with my notifications so I'm just...not.

I'm not checking email, either, and I've got a slowly growing ball of panic in me somewhere. It's been 2 months...maybe more. I'm such a fuckup.

I fucked my back again. Months of work to get where I was experiencing almost no pain from the nerve damage, unraveled by 3 nights on a decently comfortable couch. That's not fair. I got home from that trip and could barely walk into the house; my mom had to help me. I'm still having trouble walking and it's been almost 2 weeks.

I had to use my Oma's walker to go to my dr's appt (it's too short for me, btw, but it did help me not fall over and become a floor troll). They made me come in because a) they wanted to check my A1C because I'm on a new drug and b) they've never prescribed me pain meds before and don't have any history dealing with my stupid back. When I fucked it in March, I went to urgent care.

Then it turned out they were out of the A1C tests so I am going to have to go to a lab anyway (hah, don't hold your breath, his, it'll be a while until I'm better). Also, it turned out the muscle relaxant the UC had prescribed for my back last time shouldn't be used on heart patients because it will even relax that muscle. 😖 I'd love to blame the UC entirely but I requested it. There was this whole snafu with my dumb insurance and what they would and wouldn't pay for. It ended up with a ton of back and forth between the UC night Dr, my pharmacy, and my insurance. I finally tracked down a 2022 table of what they will pay for and researched the muscle relaxants. I THOUGHT this one was good but I apparently missed the part about it slowing my heart down (I'm already on meds for that, it doesn't need to beat any slower).

He prescribed me something different. CVS was out of it for two days and then mom didn't get to town for another two. 😂 No, no, I'm fine, please go about your business. (I'm being a bitch, it was valid and I said it was okay, I'm just hurting today so.)

Mom and I tangled that day I went to the Dr. She gets impatient and is highly conscious of certain social cues. I explained (I learned this stuff when I was caretaking for my great aunt and Oma) to her afterwards during lunch that sometimes you have to park illegally, make sure the person you're helping gets inside, then park the car. This was after she stopped in front of the building, told me to get out, then tried to rush me when I made a grumpy sound. She finally got out and came around to help but she did it saying, "Yeah, I'll park over there but first you have GET OUT."

I'm pretty even keeled since I've found an okay mix of meds. So when I told her to shut the fuck up, I think it startled her. Oops. She turned around, got back in the car, and just left me there. The door wasn't automatic, either. Man, walkers suck. If you see somebody using a walker, open the fucking door and be patient. Jeez.

Later, I apologized, she apologized. There were hearts and sparkles, whatever. I'm still annoyed that this wasn't just common sense.

Also, I ruined Thanksgiving because I couldn't walk so we had to stay home and cancel our dinner reservations. Mom made dinner from what we had in store. Never had turkey burgers on Thanksgiving before but it was great. 😊

In other news, it's not that I feel lonely but I feel like separations are spreading between me and certain friends. Some of it is logical and valid and started years ago. Not so worried about that anymore, I've kind of accepted it. But some other friends, I feel like it's growing and I can't figure out if it's real (and if so, why, what did I do?) or if I need my meds changed.

Besides the whole anger thing, my main symptom of depression is believing totally and wholeheartedly that nobody likes me and everyone just pretends. I know it makes no sense. That's actually how I figured out that it was all in my head; why would people who don't like me be so nice or give me gifts or take time out to do things for me? The answer is, they wouldn't. Therefore, they liked me and I was not thinking properly. (It's called a persecutory delusion and mine is very light compared to most. Still, my decision to accept people at face value for liking me was a conscious one and I didn't really believe it until we found the right mix of meds.)

Hey, it's not so bad. We have this particular type of chemical imbalance run through our family on my Oma's side. My aunt thought not only was everyone disliking her but they were also out to get her fired at work and actively sabotaging her in life (that last one was focused mostly on my mother, her sister 😬). I mean, it's possible, she wasn't the easiest person to like, but at EVERY job she had? Probably not.

Anyway, let's talk about something good.

I have no money because I am broken and can't work right now so I depend on my mom and the kindness of strangers friends and family. Awkward. But I was raised as a little spoiled princess so I have no shame in asking my mommy for stuff. She got me the cat ear headphones I've wanted forever the other day. They were just delivered but I can't get to them so I have to wait until she's back from town.

I also got the knitting backpack I've wanted but that one came out of my Christmas bankroll early. Perfect! 💕 Not that I've been doing any kind of creative thing or yarn work lately but, anyway.

The Christmas tree is up. It's not decorated but it's up! I can't do anything so mom is supposed to trim it then I'll come out and tell her what she did wrong. 😂 Her words, not mine. We need something over the fireplace. I was gonna make a wreath...

My cousin made a wreath! She sent me pics. It's awesome and beautiful looks like a candy cane dream and I wanna do it. I was supposed to do it while she did hers. I hate being like this. No, were being happy here.

I'm obsessed with "golden hour" by JVKE. It pets something in my brain and makes it calm. I also am really liking "this is what falling in love feels like".

I watched the video for "golden hour," saw how tiny the piano looks next to him, and was like, "How tf tall is this boy?" The Internet tells me he's either 5'8 or 6'7. 🤔 But judging by other videos, he's definitely a giant. I mean, unless he hangs out in dollhouses a lot? That's an option, I guess.

Anyway, here's Wonder Wall golden hour. (Does anybody else feel like this is what the vampires of Twilight should have looked like?)

Oh, I just I found this! (Sorry, I'm on mobile.)

[nerves-nebula]

Oh wow, that sounds really cool that you're in such a prestigious school! Especially since they paid you to go too, that's really great. If I could help with research I would, I love learning new things :]

If this isn't too odd/big an ask (and if it is, don't worry about answering!) how do you get to a point where a school would pay you to go?

I'd love to go to college or university, but I have to work rn to try and save up and something like that might be the difference between going broke or not. Alas I haven't anyone that'd cover the charges, I've been encouraged not to go to school actually. I graduated high school with a (grade 12) 96% average if that means anything?

most of my projects aren't super research heavy, except for a history class, where I've gotta research a Japanese designer called Tadanori Yokoo. But I'm focusing on other stuff right now. Got a lotta poster presketches and drafts due next week.

I'm from the USA, so this might not be any help at all if you're outside of it. Which you might be, since you called it "grade 12" and I don't think I've heard anyone in the states call it that.

Anyway, here's my wayyy too long ramble about it:

short answer to how I personally got money from art schools is that I had a good portfolio and got accepted. But really, it ultimately depended on the schools financial aid budget.

I got accepted to every art school I applied too, and most offered me some money, whether that be a scholarship or in the form of financial aid. But like I said before, none were enough for me to actually go, since my family is kinda poor.

BUT the school I'm going to right now is rich enough to basically give any students who are poor but got accepted a huge discount on tuition. Or just completely drop tuition entirely and only charge us for room and board, as well as some other fees like health insurance or w/e.

But you also have to take out student loans, because the school doesn't just wanna give you money for FREE.

And that all depends on how much money you or the person supporting you makes. And even then, they expected my mom to be able to contribute way more than she was able to.

Actually, I don't think she helped pay for my first year at all. That's why I worked at McDonalds for a while before school started, so I'd have at least the first few payments ready. I ended up having to ask my dad for money (he doesn't give my mom money to spend on us anymore cause she can't be trusted LMAO), as well as using all $2,000 of an outside scholarship I won exclusively on monthly payments. So "expected" contribution is still a pretty rough estimate on the schools part.

this is all to say it was a really annoying process and I'm currently racking up a ton of debt. Which I might not have to worry about cause my girlfriend gets paid a lot and said with her salary she could probably pay it off in no time.

So let it be known that despite my struggles I am in an extremely privileged position by having someone who I can reliably have help me with college payments.

and that's not even touching on non-art focused colleges. I have NO idea how they decide who gets what money. As far as free/low cost college goes, I think most people's only chance is to get some kind of scholarship, take out a lot of loans and commit yourself to debt, or see if your states community college has more affordable tuition. I mean, if your lucky your state might even have FREE community college.