#don’t think I’ve ever had closure for anything in my whole life and

[idsb]

It is so fucking WILD listening to Lover while traversing across Melbourne,,,,, thought I’d never walk my Cornelia Street again cried and cried and cried because leaving felt like death by a thousand cuts and here I am, walking it, alive, London Boy fresh in the DMs in a happy friendly way. Couldn’t listen to this album for like 2 years because of it. And I love it and I eventually found the way to and I’m listening and I’m smiling because the memories make me happy instead of sad and yearning and I’m just! I’m just here! After all this time in the place I never thought I’d be listening to the album I never thought I could play

[pickingupmymercedes]

Leap of faith - Lewis Hamilton

It can be read as a separate one-shot. But with the story it just makes it so much better

Sequence: Not just a pretty face / I need you to let me go / Fly on my own / Leap of faith (bonus)

pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Reader!

warnings: couple who went through a lot finally getting their happily ever after 🥹❤️

wordcount: +2k

a/n: Their story has my whole heart and I thought they deserved this closure❤️

As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!

______________________________________________________________

Laughter and clinking glasses filled the air, the glow of fairy lights casting a warm light across the open Californian sky. Guests were scattered around tables, their faces glowing with joy and a bit of alcohol.

In the midst of it all, the newlyweds stood at the center of attention, surrounded by family and friends who had gathered to witness this moment.

Lewis stood there, his fingers lightly gripping the mic as he looked around the room.

His eyes landed on Y/n, and his usual confidence softened into something more tender. He took a breath, the kind that spoke volumes without saying a word, then began to speak with that familiar, easygoing tone.

"I've been thinking a lot about what I wanted to say today. You all know I’m not really one for speeches—well, at least not ones that don’t involve a podium anyway. But today, standing here, looking at Y/n, I realize that there are some things that need to be said. Things that have been in my heart for a long time, but that maybe I haven’t always found the right words for."

He glanced down at his new wedding band for a moment, gathering his thoughts, before looking back up at her.

"When I first met Y/n, I was... let’s just say I was a little too sure of myself. I thought I knew what I wanted out of life, what it meant to be successful, to be happy. But Y/n... she changed all of that."

He paused, his eyes softening as he took in her face, the way she looked at him with that mix of affection and amusement that only she could pull off.

"I won’t pretend that our journey has been easy. It hasn’t. There have been times when I wondered if we’d ever get here, if we’d ever figure out how to make it work. But through it all, there was this pull—something that kept drawing me back to you. It felt inevitable."

There was a brief silence, the kind that came when words just didn’t seem enough, but he pressed on, his voice a little softer now.

"Over the years, I’ve felt so many things for you, Y/n. Admiration, frustration, pride, fear... love. So much love.

“But more than anything, I’ve felt lucky. Lucky to have met someone who sees me—not the driver, not the celebrity. The real me. And even luckier that, despite everything, you’ve chosen to stand by my side."

He shook his head slightly, a small smile playing on his lips as if he was still a bit in awe of it all.

"You’ve taught me that love isn’t about finding someone who’s perfect—God knows neither of us are that. It’s about finding someone who’s willing to grow with you, to fight with you and for you, to laugh with you when things are good and hold you when they’re not.”

“It’s about finding that person who challenges you, who pushes you to be better, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard."

His voice caught slightly, just for a moment, and he cleared his throat before continuing.

"There were times when the distance, the pressures, the lives we lead seemed like too much. But every time I doubted, you showed up. You were always there, with your strength, your sarcasm, your endless belief in me. And slowly, I started to believe too. Believe that we were worth the fight, worth all the doubts."

He stopped, letting those words hang in the air for a moment before continuing, his tone more thoughtful now.

"I’ve thought a lot about what it means to commit to someone, to truly give yourself over to another person. It’s not something I’ve ever taken lightly. But then I remember when you asked me if I'd catch you. And how I just knew, somehow, that I could never let you fall. That I would always be there, arms wide open, ready to catch you."

He paused again, his eyes never leaving hers, and there was a rawness in his voice.

"You’ve been my biggest challenge and my greatest adventure. And through all the ups and downs, all the doubts and fears, one thing has remained constant: my love for you. It’s been tested, pushed to its limits, but it’s also grown stronger because of it. Stronger because of you."

There was a brief silence as he let those words sink in, both for himself and for everyone listening.

"I’ve come to realize that loving you, Y/n, isn’t trying to fit into some perfect mold, some idea of what we’re supposed to be. It’s embracing who we are, flaws and all. You make me want to be a better man, not because you ask me to, but because you deserve nothing less."

He took a deep breath, the emotion in his voice becoming more apparent as he neared the end of his vows.

"I’ve been in some pretty high-pressure situations in my life. But standing here today, committing my life to you, is by far the most important thing I’ve ever done.”

He smiled, a little wistful but also full of hope and love.

"You’ve always been the one, Y/n. Even when I didn’t know it, even when I tried to deny it, you were always the one. And, standing here, I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to. Because I’ve found home."

Lewis’s voice dropped to a near whisper, the words meant only for her, even as the room listened intently.

"I’m all in, Y/n. I’ve always been all in, even when I didn’t realize it. And I can’t wait to see where this leap takes us next. Because whatever happens, wherever we go, I know one thing for sure—I’ll always catch you."

He let out a small, almost relieved sigh, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Then, with a soft smile, he added,

"And I promise, for as long as I’m breathing, I’ll never let you fall alone."

As the last word left his lips and he smiled at his wife, Y/n stepped forward, closing the space between them. Her arms wrapped around his waist, holding him tightly, as if to anchor herself in that moment.

He embraced her, his lips brushing softly against her hair, leaving a tender kiss there as he breathed in her familiar scent for a minute, before she let go and nodded at him.

Y/n took a deep breath as she took the microphone from Lewis, her fingers lightly brushing over his fingers as she gazed at him.

His vows had been everything she expected and more, and now it was her turn.

She could feel the weight of the moment, the anticipation in the air, but as she turned away from him, there was a flicker of something in her eyes—mischief, affection, and a hint of that vulnerability she rarely let anyone see.

She glanced at the guests, her smile widening as she began to speak, her tone warm but laced with the familiar sarcasm that everyone knew.

“Well, that was something, wasn’t it?” Y/n’s voice carried through the room, earning a ripple of laughter. She turned her gaze back to Lewis, playfully narrowing her eyes.

 “Leave it to you to set the bar so damn high. Now I’m standing here, realizing that I should’ve probably gone first. But hey, that’s always been our dynamic, right? You go ahead, and I’ll catch up when I’m not that scared anymore.”

The guests chuckled, and Y/n took a moment to collect her thoughts. The teasing edge in her voice softened into something more genuine as she shifted her gaze back to Lewis.

“First off, let’s get this out of the way— you guys have no idea how much I’ve been trying to keep my cool all day.” She winked at the crowd, earning a few more chuckles.

“The fact that I’m standing here, in front of all of you, without a single escape plan in my back pocket is... growth.”

Her gaze shifted to her mother, who was sitting with tears already glistening in her eyes.

“I see you, Mom. I know what you’re thinking: ‘Finally, she’s not running.’ But, you know, there’s a story there.”

Y/n’s voice softened; her smile more tender as she addressed her mother.

“I get it now. All those times you tried to guide me, protect me from the world, from heartbreak—I know you were just trying to give me the best. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I wasn’t listening, or worse, like I didn’t care. I did. I always have. I just... I had to figure it out in my own stubborn way”

She paused, letting her words sink in. Her mother nodded, lips trembling with a smile that spoke volumes more than any words could.

“And Dad,” Y/n continued, her eyes finding her father’s across the room.

“You always knew, didn’t you? You saw something in Lewis long before I did. And me, being me, I just rolled my eyes, thinking you were too eager to hand me off.” She laughed, shaking her head.

“But you were right. As always. And you never pushed, never pressured. You let me come to my own conclusions, and for that, I’m so grateful. You knew I needed time to figure out that Lewis was my away to learn how to fly.”

A wave of emotion caught in her throat, but Y/n swallowed it down, keeping her tone light as she turned to address Lewis’s parents. Her smile softened as she met their eyes.

“And to my future in-laws—Carmen, Anthony and Linda – God, I can’t believe I’m saying that out loud—thank you for raising a man who is patient enough to deal with all of this.”

She gestured to herself with a grin, drawing laughter from the guests.

“I know you probably didn’t sign up for a daughter-in-law who has a habit of running. I know it hasn’t always been easy, watching us go through everything, but I hope you know how much I love him. Thank you for welcoming me, quirks and all, into your family with open arms. I promise to take care of him, to be the partner he deserves.”

She turned then, her gaze locking onto Lewis. The room seemed to fall away, leaving just the two of them in that moment.

“And you” she began, her voice softer, more intimate. “Lewis... where do I even start? You’ve been my constant when I was chaos, my anchor when I was drifting.”

Another pause, her voice almost choking as she took one of Lewis’s outstretched hands.

“I begged you to let me go. I was so scared—of us, of what we were becoming, of what I was feeling. I thought if I ran far enough, fast enough, I could escape it.”

She took a breath, her eyes glistening.

“But you—God, you just wouldn’t let me go, even when I didn’t deserve you. You stood there, you saw right through all my bravado, and you told me you weren’t going anywhere. That you’d wait. And you did.”

She said the last part almost to herself, nodding incredulously.

“You waited while I sorted through my mess, while I ran from something I didn’t fully understand.”

A tear slid down her cheek, and she let it fall freely.

“I’ve been thinking about this day for a long time—Feels like I’ve been calling you my partner, my best friend, my everything for so long, but now… Husband. That’s a whole new level. I mean, look at you, sitting there all smug, knowing you got me to sign my life away."

She let out a small laugh, lightening the mood for a moment as everyone else felt the tension ease, only for her expression to turn more reflective again.

"Seriously though … when I first met you, I wasn’t looking for forever. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I was looking for tomorrow. I was stuck, scared, trying to navigate my own storm, and you—you were like this ridiculous beacon of light, just… shining. And I couldn’t ignore you, even though I really wanted to."

She paused, smiling as she recalled those early days.

"I kept telling myself, ‘Don’t get involved, don’t fall for the guy with the world at his feet.’ But then you’d do something… something so small, like remembering how I take my coffee or noticing when I was having a bad day without me saying a word. You were patient when I needed time, persistent when I pushed you away, and through all my doubts and fears, you became the person I couldn’t imagine my life without."

Y/n looked down for a moment, taking a breath before continuing.

“You lit something up in me that I didn’t even know was there, something that made me feel like I was enough. Like maybe, just maybe, I could be more than the sum of my fears and insecurities.”

She paused, her eyes softening again as she looked at Lewis.

"We’ve been through it, haven’t we? And I don’t just mean the glamorous stuff. I’m talking about the hard nights, the distance, the moments where I didn’t know if we’d make it through.”

There was a soft murmur among the guests as Y/n’s voice lowered, the raw emotion in her words unmistakable.

“We’re standing here today because you never let go, even when I wasn’t sure I could hold on."

Then the room was silent once again, the weight of her words hanging in the air.

“You’ve taught me that love it’s something you choose, every single day. That it resides in the little things—the way you pull me closer when I need it, the way you let me push you away for a bit when I’m too scared to let you in. It’s about the quiet moments, when you’ve stayed by me even when I didn’t ask, because you knew I needed you. The times when you’ve held me together when I felt like falling apart.”

She took a deep breath, her voice trembling slightly before she regained her composure.

“I know I haven’t always been the easiest person to love. I’ve put up walls, kept you at arm’s length because I was scared of what it might mean to really let you in. But you never gave up on me. You never walked away, even when I gave you every reason to.”

Y/n’s voice trembled, but she steadied herself with a deep breath.

“Falling for you felt like coming home. Like finding the place I was always meant to be, the place where all the chaos was worth it”

She looked back at Lewis, her eyes shining with and her voice thick.

"Lewis, you were my leap of faith. And trust me, I’ve never been a fan of heights. But with you, it’s all about rising. Rising above my fears, my insecurities, all the things that used to hold me back."

She paused, blinking back tears as she smiled at the guests.

“You’ve been my rock, my safe place, the one who’s seen me at my worst and still loved me through it all.”

She wiped her cheek with a shaky laugh.

“There’s something terrifying about that, isn’t there? The idea that someone could know you so completely, so intimately, and still choose to stay. You’ve chosen me, even when I wasn’t sure if I could choose myself.”

She took a deep breath, her voice trembling with emotion as she continued.

“I always think back to that night – you know the one – when I asked you if you’d catch me or if I’d have to learn to fly on my own. You didn’t hesitate. You just opened your arms and let me fall… fall into you.”

Y/n’s breathing trembled again.

“And that’s when I knew. No matter what happened, no matter where life took us, I’d never be alone. Because I had you. I had this incredible man who was willing to catch me, over and over again, no matter how many times I stumbled.”

Y/n’s voice broke slightly as she spoke her next words, her tears flowing freely now.

“I’ve always been scared of letting go, of giving myself over to someone completely. But with you, it doesn’t feel like falling. It feels like flying. Like coming home.”

Y/n took a moment to steady herself before she added, with a smile through her tears.

“Lewis, I’m all in. My husband, my partner, my leap of faith, you’re the one I choose, every day and in every way.”

Y/n wiped at the corner of her eye as she finished, giving Lewis’s hands that extra squeeze.

“So here’s to us, to our forever. I can’t promise I won’t drive you crazy, or that I’ll ever stop being a little bit of a mess, but I can promise to love you fiercely, endlessly, and with everything I have. Thank you for being my anchor, my safe place, and most importantly, for being you.

There was a pause as she took a last breath, her eyes never leaving his, her smile bright on her features.

"Okay, enough with the mushy stuff. Cheers—to love, to learning how to fly, to taking the leap."

______________________________________________________________

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[pauli-writes]

will u write a pt 2 for the sunday short?? its such a good concept 😓😓

warning: set during 2.3 story quest, religious themes, toxic relationship

pairing: sunday x reader

author’s note: u request i shall deliver (i’m sorry it’s been like a month, i didn’t know what to write for this but now i do) not proofread :,)

part I

“you are up early.”

you nearly dropped your bottle of soulglad as you heard the familiar voice of himeko. despite having found the watchmakers legacy and the truth about penacony, as well as stopping sunday from becoming… whatever it was that the express crew fought in the end, you found yourself restless.

perhaps it was the fact that you were forced to return to penacony, when a galaxy ranger named boothill hijacked the astral express with you and dan heng on it, you had no choice but face your past and what you saw was anything but healing for your inner self. you’d think beating up the person who kept you locked up for a better part of your life would lead to catharsis, if anything it left you more confused than before.

you turned to face himeko, forcing a smile. “ever since i first left penacony i don’t sleep well. i suppose it’s less noticeable when we’re on the express since i’m mostly in my room.”

you hoped that this explanation was enough for her, it was the truth, but not the whole truth. although you saw himeko’s expression change slightly as she put a hand on your shoulder. “don’t worry after the charmony festival we’ll leave. so, i suggest you take care of any unfinished business before then.”

you blinked in confusion. she said it so casually, that you almost missed the look she gave you. did she know about your troubles? “unfinished business?”

“you know what i mean,” himeko replied with a small smile, “well, i’ve got to go. i’m having a meeting with the ipc. i’m sure you’ll do well.”

himeko left after giving you a reassuring pat on the shoulder, leaving you to ponder your choices. it wasn’t like you couldn’t return to penacony after leaving, but you seriously doubted that you would come back voluntarily.

which is why you now found yourself with your dear childhood friend robin in front of a large door.

“thank you for letting me do this.” you said to her, fidgeting with the golden astral express crew member pin on your jacket. you had been nervous since you texted robin for the favour and the many bloodhound family members around you weren’t helping.

robin smiled kindly at you as always, despite spending most of your time with sunday, the moments you spent with her were very dear to your heart. when you were children you were often forced guided to spent time with sunday, but every once in a while you played or studied with Robin and she was kind to you, almost distracting you from sunday’s possessive behaviour. maybe in a different life you could have travelled with her on her tour.

“it’s no problem, but are you sure?”

you waved your hand dismissively, trying to hide your feelings. “yeah, yeah. i’ll be fine.”

“okay,” she replied simply, “well, i have to go back to prepare everything on the radiant feldspar, but call me if anything happens.”

you nodded, “will do.”

after that she took your hands in hers and gave them a reassuring squeeze, surprising you and making you blush. “i hope this will give you the closure you need. i can not excuse the things my brother has done to you, but i hope you can move past them.”

she let go and then left you to it. with a deep breath you opened the door and let light stream into the otherwise dark room. as you stepped inside with small hesitant steps you saw him, he was sitting on a chair, chained in placed by his wrists, ankles and neck. he had the look of a fallen angel, and you suppose that was an accurate description of sunday.

an angel led astray and blinded by a god by way of false promises and the lie of a perfect painless world.

his golden eyes widened slightly as he saw you walk in, he hadn’t been expecting anyone to visit him, let alone you, until he was sentenced to death. “reader…”

“hey…” you replied meekly, even chained he had some sort of authority about him, making you feel small. “thought I should say goodbye before leaving penacony.”

he let out a dry chuckle, “don’t lie to me, please. i thought you knew better than that.”

you took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself. you couldn’t let him get to you. “don’t address me as if we are friends.”

“we were friends once,” he said calmly, “something more too. i remember you enjoyed our time together.”

“because i didn’t know any better,” you replied, your hands balling into fists on your sides.

“until you did and you ran away,” he replied, and you hated how calm and condescending he sounded when he talked to you. “you ran away and you left penacony, you left robin, you left… me.”

you looked down briefly. you did leave without a word, but you weren’t the bad guy like sunday would want you to believe. “you think i wanted to leave? you gave me no other option. i was forced to live in solitude, you made me completely dependent on you. my cage may have been gilded but it was a cage nonetheless.”

sunday was quiet after that. you didn’t like when he was quiet, because you couldn’t read his expression very well. he was taught to conceal his emotions from a young age, so you never knew what he thought about.

the silence continued as he leaned his head up to look at the ceiling in a contemplative manner. you didn’t think you’d get anything else out of him, and if you were being honest you felt a lot more at ease by speaking your truth already.

“if you have nothing else to say, i’ll leave now.” you looked at him expectingly.

he lowered his head and looked at you again, his golden eyes staring straight into you. “i feel no remorse for what i did, because i believe that i was just. i was trying to protect and help the people of penacony, i was trying to protect you. and yet you see me as the bad guy, so please, can you answer me a question before you go?”

you nodded hesitantly.

“did you ever love me?”

the words pierced your heart in a way you didn’t expect, because you didn’t know the answer yourself. your entire life was orchestrated by the family, your feelings were dictated as much as your schedule or your diet. you once loved sunday, but you didn’t know if these feelings were your feelings.

you shifted awkwardly on your feet, fidgeting again with your astral express badge. “there was a time where i loved you, but that version of me, wasn’t, well, very me. the person you know and the person i am today, are different people. i hope you understand that.”

his expression once again didn’t reveal any emotion, making you fidget once again.

“i should go now,” you blurted out, before taking a deep breath, “despite everything i do wish you well, sunday.”

for once in his captivity he smiled a little, “i wish you well too, reader. i truly hope that in another life we’ll see each other again.”

you smiled back at him, before stepping out of the room and closing the door. you spent the rest of your way to golden hour by contemplating your life with sunday, until you reached the golden clockie statue and spotted three familiar faces, dan heng, march 7th and the trailblazer.

“what are you guys doing here?” you asked as you walked up to them.

“mr. yang told us where you are and we couldn’t possibly go to the charmony festival without you,” march 7th said with her usual smile.

“how are you feeling?” dan heng asked, he could probably see the exhaustion and emotional turmoil on your face.

you put on a smile, “i’m managing. let’s head to the radiant feldspar, i promised robin to help with some preparations.”

[livingfandomly]

About Lebanon….

First of all, I fucking hate the Winchester parents for the simple fact that they’re very bad at being parents. I’ve always found every version of them to be very inherently self-centred people.

Let’s look at the more obvious one first. John only ever lived for Mary, even after she died. Especially… after she died. He didn’t care what his actions did to his kids, he didn’t fucking think about the fact that his kids could very well die because of the danger he put them in again and again. I never saw him trading his soul for Dean’s as his way of “saving” Dean because he knew what was coming. Fuck, he TOLD Dean that he’d have to k*ll his brother, the one person that he’s spent his whole life protecting. How the hell is that “saving” him in any way??? I mean, I could go on forever with regards to what a bad father he was and why every molecule of me hates him. Moving on…

We don’t know a lot about pre-death and post-Dean Mary, right? We just know that she was someone Dean has pie eating memories with but Dean was fucking 4 years old. How much can a kid even remember from so far back? And the Mary that came back in S11 pissed me the fuck off. I understand that it’s verrrrry discombobulating for her but you’re telling me that a mother gets the chance to see her sons, who have been traumatised by life every second since her death, and she chooses to run away with a British psycho maniac???? And she tells Dean that she’s always “mom” but she never behaves like that...

To clarify. I 100% understand Mary and John as John’s love and Mary’s love. I understand them as individuals. I understand them as people grieving for the life they never had. But I will never ever understand them as Sam and Dean’s parents because they never took on those roles. Sam and Dean were the only parents and guardians and protectors that each other had.

Now to come to my point. Lebanon.

That episode is NOT John Winchester from S1. This is NOT the John that Sam and Dean grew up with. This is the John that Dean always wished he was. This is the John that would’ve been a loving father, who let his sons know that he loves them and cares about them and that he’d do anything to protect them. This is the John that Dean needed for closure. This is the John that Dean wishes Sam had. This is the John that says everything that Dean wishes the real John did. This is the John that never existed.

Gosh that episode broke my heart a little more for Sam and Dean. They’re literally each others souls, the light in each others life. S15 is not going to be fun for me at all.

[lockmad]

I’m going to try to make this make sense, but no promises… but I’m also going to acknowledge that Tumblr is like a diary to me and I don’t expect anyone to read this but if you read it hello! 👋 I hope you are well

I’m really struggling right now… my grandmother just passed away and she truly meant the world to me and I don’t even feel like I’ve had the time to grieve.

I had to pick up my whole entire life and move in with my grandfather within a week, I’ve been with him for two weeks, and he is struggling in ways we didn’t predict. I am also struggling in ways I did not predict. I have clinical depression, but I thought I had learned the skills needed to deal with things like this… I need to give myself credit though because I’m dealing a lot better than I would’ve when I was 19 or 22.

I’ve put so much work into myself and I’m trying so hard but I am so tired of life kicking my ass. 

Life is hard for so many reasons, I think a lot of people my age feel it. The economy, climate change, the way the majority of men are acting in regards to dating, not even that, but the whole idea of dating now is so hard with social media.

No one puts themselves out there, and when I personally do put myself out there, no one responds. And I want to make it abundantly clear to myself, as well as others, that I am not an unattractive person. I think a lot of the time the people who are expressing this discomfort with the dating scene are being told that there’s something wrong with them, and I would like to acknowledge that sometimes, things are not your fault. I am not ugly. I am not hard to be around. I am not unlikable. I would be the best thing that has ever happened to the right person. Most men would be lucky to kiss the ground I walk on, and I mean that in the most polite way possible … 

I’m constantly struggling with the idea that I don’t have much time to love and enjoy life because climate change has put a countdown on my life in a way I don’t think any other generations have had to deal with

I feel like I’m going to spend the time I have left alone. And though I don’t see anything wrong with being alone that’s never been what I want.

I want companionship, I want partnership.

I’ve been single for over a year now and I’ve been single for chunks of my life before that and I’m learning to be comfortable with it. But it just isn’t what I want. And now I’m in the situation that I feel has set me back.

 I’m struggling with an abundance of emotions that no one seems to be able to empathize with and it all comes down to the fact that I am lonely…

I just don’t wanna be alone…

Anyway, I’m not sure any of that made sense. I’m really just trying to use any and every outlet I have to keep myself above ground. I don’t feel like I deserve this, I don’t feel like my grandfather deserves this, I don’t feel like my mother deserves this. I don’t understand why life is so painful and I just came to vent to the void or whoever you are reading this right now.

EDIT:  I also want to acknowledge, for my own sake, that my relationship with death is very complicated. I was raised very religiously, and I am an agnostic if anything. But truly, I’m not sure how anything like heaven could be real. My grandmother was a devoted Catholic and she’s gone. I don’t know how to understand that she’s just gone. I don’t think I’ll see her again someday, I don’t think her spirit is with me or is watching over me, she’s just gone and that’s honestly as horrifying as if I were to believe she could watch over me right now (which is a concept that gave me extreme anxiety as a child. The idea that my loved ones could watch and judge me from above) I have not grieved her properly yet. She was a very anxious woman herself, and chose to not have awake funeral or burial. When she died in the hospital, I kissed her forehead and she was gone. I will never see her again, and I have nothing to visit, no grave to put flowers on, and no closure.

Obviously, her thoughts and feelings were complicated. I could get into the details of my family dynamics and all that but I don’t know.. I can’t change anything so what’s the point, right? it’s all out of my control .. 

Ciao  

[sopejinsunflower]

a/n: I had this idea while entertaining the thought of writing a fic as a bunch of letters instead of the usual narration. But since I’m focused on writing Eidolons now, I decided to change it up a bit. For those who read all of my individual member’s one shot, you will know that none of them had any resolution. So here is a sort of closure to those one shots, written in the form of letters. I put it under OT7 because, well, technically they are? So before you read this one, I suggest you read the one shots first or these won’t make sense lol

Summary: The members wrote a letter to you in regards to their individual stories on my one shots. Unedited

Tags: AU! Short imagines, angsty, fluff

Pairing: Namjoon x you, Jin x you, Yoongi x you, Hoseok x you, Jimin x you, Taehyung x you, Jungkook x you

Namjoon

My dearest y/n,

I know you don’t want to hear it (or read it) but I just feel like I need to let you know you were the love of my life, the light of my soul and the missing piece to my puzzle. You were everything to me and I fucked that up. 

I threw away the one thing I’ve been looking to find, destroyed the one good thing I ever had in my life to chase a glimmer that I thought was gold. But it wasn’t and losing you was a true wake up call. I was greedy and selfish, blinded by my own ego and insecurity to properly come to terms with my own indiscretion. I hurt you the way I promised myself to never do. I broke my wedding vow to you. Nothing I say or do can ever mend this.

To be honest, losing you is a fear that has always been there at the edge of my mind since the day I met you. You were so perfect, so beautiful, so charming I was melted butter in your hands. I fell in love with you faster than I can say “That’s crazy!” but I did, baby. I did. I saw our future together, the life I wanted to have with you, growing old with you. I could see the kids we would have, running around the house, little pitter patter of feet that I would miss when I have to go on my work trips. 

How stupid I was to have done what I did. I was weak and pathetic and gave in to lust and my alcohol-clouded mind. But she didn't mean anything, just a one time thing. Those two weeks put me through hell, wondering how to even come clean. I felt so guilty. What was even worse was the fact that my insecurity caused me to question if you in turn. I couldn’t deal with the blunder I made and had somehow wishfully thought that maybe you had done the same, that way the blame could be shifted. All those times I left you home alone for weeks on end, all those times I couldn’t be there for you.

It was unfair of me to go after your longtime friendship with Min Yoongi. I should’ve known better. I don’t know. I don’t know what was going through my head then. I wish I could take it all back! I wish I could go back in time and make everything okay again. But this is another wishful thinking. 

I miss you so much. The emptiness I feel grows too large for anything else to fill my heart. Any other new partners were just bed warmers; they’re not you. No one can ever be you. No one can ever take your place. And I think it’s fine like this. I’m better off alone. 

I saw a picture of our daughter on Yoongi’s Instagram. She’s gorgeous, just like her mother. I spent the whole night crying on the bathroom floor when I saw that photo. God, what have I done? My family. I broke us up before it even began. You must wonder why I don’t reach out, why I don’t want to see her, why I refuse custody. I’m ashamed, y/n. I’m ashamed of the things I did and I don’t want our daughter to have such a scum of a father. Don’t worry about child support, that will always come. It’s my new vow to you. I’ve set up a trust fund for her that should take care of her long after I’m gone. 

   Yoongi is a good uncle, I can tell. She seems to adore him. He’s a great father figure and it’s all she would ever need. I’m sorry for everything; the pain, the heartache, the betrayal. I can’t say it enough. But I can see that you’re happy now, happier without me. And it’s my only source of happiness, too. You deserve more, baby. You deserve everything I couldn’t give to you and everything that I took away from you.

I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you forgive me. I love you, y/n. I still do even after all these years. I don’t think I will ever stop and it’s the one thing I’ll take to my grave. 

Always and forever yours,

Namjoon.

Note: He never sent this letter, buried somewhere in the drawer of his home office. He had wanted to, even had it stamped. But he thought he had done enough damage. The letter is merely what he wishes he could have said to you.

Jin

To y/n,

I’m a piece of shit, I know. I’ve been told. Many times. But I’m a hot piece of shit. Okay, not funny. 

I’m writing this letter because I think you blocked me? And seems like you’ve moved, too. The new address your building manager gave me looks like a really nice house. Did you get married? If yes, congratulations. You’re a great girl, I’m sure you found someone just as amazing.

Look, I’m writing this to just apologise for what I did. It was a shitty thing to do, careless and selfish. In my defence, it started out all in good fun. You didn’t know who I was and I liked that. Compared to the usual screaming and frenzy when people see me, having someone who had no clue who I was, was refreshing. And you were cute and I had initially just wanted to tease you. I honestly didn’t know that it would turn out this way.

I lost a good friend because of this. And I don’t have many friends to begin with, being in this industry. Everybody seems to want to hang out with me because they want something. Money, usually. It’s a lonely life so don’t get famous, okay? Haha. 

I don’t know why I’m writing you this letter or why I’m desperate for you to have it. I’m not a bad person. At least, I don’t think so. The girls that came and went were only there because they wanted a glimpse of the glamorous life. But once they learn that it’s not so glamorous, they leave. I’m not one to brood over people like that but there’s been too many too much. It’s getting exhausting. It is exhausting. 

Then I remembered you. You who wanted nothing but an actual connection but I guess I haven’t had much of that so I didn’t recognise it at first. So I played that game, mostly for anonymity because I had liked that you liked talking to me as a person, a human being. But that was the extent of it. Anything else more was just an attempt at trying to exert whatever dominance I could to save my bruised ego, and for that I’m truly sorry. 

I don’t want to write too long but I hope you know this is sincere. Are you still not watching TV? Did you see my latest movie? You should. I look good in it. 

I hope you read this letter. If not, it’s okay, too. Whatever your choice is, I’m thankful for that brief moment when you saw right through me. I had needed that.

Sincerely,

Jin.

P/S: Btw, Jungkook had no part in this. I hope you weren’t too hard on him. He’s a good kid. I miss him.

Note: Jin had written a separate letter for Jungkook, sent via a postcard from Italy. The picture was a flag of Italy with the caption Grab Life by the Meatballs, in large capital letters. It was sent to Jungkook’s family home address.

Jungkook-ah,

I’m sorry I was an asshole. Where did you move to? I’ve been trying to find you but it seems that you just disappeared. Please, call me. Your hyung misses you and would prefer a hard knock on the head rather than this silent treatment. I fucked up, I know. But I want to make it right. You were like a brother to me and I’m sorry I let you down and hurt you. 

Call me, please. When you’re ready to talk. 

Hyung.

Yoongi

Dear y/n,

How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in awhile, but then again, I guess that’s kind of the point. 

Y’know, it’s funny. I thought I saw you the other day at the train station. But when I tried to find you, you weren’t there. I probably made you up, seeing things that I’ve been dying to see. Yeah. I really miss you. And I know I shouldn’t be saying this. You deserved better. 

You were right. I couldn’t see what I had until it was already too late. I was too busy focusing on helping others put the pieces of their lives back together that I disregarded the life we had that was falling apart. I did this to us. I ruined us. I was too blind and selfish, too righteous in my own way to even see the damage I was doing to you, to us. I should’ve been there for you, should’ve done more. 

I took your patience for granted, gambling away chances after chances, thinking that I was doing the right thing. But, please believe me when I say that I didn’t mean to hurt you. Breaking your heart was my biggest regret. I threw away a love that was given to me so freely and so unconditionally. I see that now but I know it’s too late. 

I hope you are happy wherever you are. I hope the next man gives you everything I couldn’t and didn’t. I hope he takes you dancing every weekend because I know you love to dance. I hope he knows that your favourite bouquet is anything with baby’s breaths in them and I hope he gets a ton of them for you. I hope he knows how much you love your kids at the kindergarten and I hope he loves the way your eyes crinkle whenever you talk about them. I hope he holds your hand and never lets go. Like I did.

I know I don’t deserve it but I hope that one day you’ll forgive me for being a weak man. You probably don’t want to hear this but I just want you to know that I still love you. I did then and I will always. You were the one that got away.

Yours truly,

Yoongi.

Hoseok

Hey!

So, um, I’m here in New York. Just arrived. But, uh, you didn’t tell me which hotel you’re staying at lol text me back soon! I got the stuff you told me to bring. Can’t wait to see you.

Hoseokxx

He deleted the last sentence before pressing send.

Jimin

Jimin had nothing to say. He had deleted all of your contact details after the night of the threesome. His business runs as usual, including the underground, private parties in collaboration with Taehyung. He had no regrets.

Taehyung

To my future bride-to-be,

You can run but you can’t hide forever. Not from me, baby. Even if it takes months or years, I’ll find you. And when I do, you’ll regret running away from me. I told you, marry me or you’ll never find peace and a life in hiding is nowhere near peaceful. 

Come back, while I still have the grace to forgive you.

Signed,

Your only saviour.

Jungkook

Hello, my love, 

It still feels a little weird to be able to call you that. But like a good kind of weird. I’m just grinning to myself while I’m writing this. OMG, I’m so pathetic it’s cringey!

Ok, so I told you I suck at writing letters but since you wanted one, here you go! But…I don’t know what to say so I’ll just say whatever I feel like saying, I guess. I love you. HA! You probably know this already but god, I love you. So fucking much. Since that first time I saw you. 

I know the way we met was bad and I wish I could erase all that part but I don’t wanna. If I erase all of that, we wouldn’t have met and I would never get the chance to get to know you and we wouldn’t be here today. But I want to let you know that not a day went by without you in my mind, not a day passed that I wish I wasn’t such a coward and had just come clean or talked to you. 

I know we talked about this and I know we’ve moved past this but it’s important for me that you know that you’ve always been there, in the back of my mind, in everything that I do. And I hope you’ll remain here forever and always. I want you with every step of the way moving forward. I love waking up to you, I love going to sleep with you by my side. I love that Bam loves you! And I love the way you call him your boy, too, sometimes. I think that’s cute. He’s our boy. It sounds like we’re a family with a son, hehe

Okay, my handwriting is just getting worse now so maybe I’ll stop? I can say everything else to you face to face. My hand is cramping up. 

Thank you for coming back into my life, y/n. Thank you for finding it in your heart to give me a second chance. I promise I won’t waste it. I’ll do everything that I can to make it up to you going forward. I want nothing but good memories between us. I know it’s ridiculous and that yes, we’ll have fights and bad times ahead but I know we can get through it all. Together. But can you please leave the laundry to me? I, um, have a specific method to it. Thanks ❤️

Anyway, I’m expecting a reward for this letter. Later tonight? :3

Love you!

JK

Note: he had kept Jin’s ridiculous postcard in a drawer, for safekeeping. He’s not sure to reply or not yet. But he’s glad to have it, a reminder that maybe, there’s a chance to mend that bridge.

a/n2: well, lmk what you think in the comments or ask as usual :) if you like, pls like and reblog ❤️

Check out my other works → :MASTERLIST:

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@effielumiere @serendididy

[ruminate88]

Healing Journal ❤️‍🩹 04/17/23

I started this account over a year ago.. I had JUST learned about emotional abuse. I was trapped on TikTok watching video after video and it was very draining. At some point, I couldn’t watch another one becuase it was sucking me dry. Yes, I gained great clarity and insight for my past but it sucked. ALL OF IT SUCKED!

I realized I had all these emotional wounds from the past and had suppressed so much. I had physically blocked two of my exes Jake and Andrew, accept for Cody, who actually blocked me and ghosted me. 🥺 I knew Cody ghosting was a burden inside of me for years but I just didn’t understand it or know what to do with it. I decided to start a blog to jot down my past and see if there’s anything there I needed to work on or heal… BOY OH BOY!! I found a boat load of junk to deal with. I opened up the door in my heart to ALL the unresolved feelings, issues and the fact I never got closure from Cody or Andrew!! (I’ve been working on that stil. I’m still grieving)

I have learned sooo much about “emotional abuse” and it does make a lot of sense to my past. I even found a guy on TikTok who says he’s a “diagnosed narcissist” and everything he says seems to explain words and actions from my ex Andrew that I couldn’t explain before. The truth is, not enough information takes away the pain or changes the past. Also, each person is different so I have to keep in mind how just because one person is a certain way, doesn’t mean all people with similar traits are the same way. I’m just trying to understand… (some people have different circumstances or life experiences)

Why would I need to understand my ex Andrew so much??? Well obviously, I believed at one point I was falling so madly deeply in love with him but he was also my most confusing breakup I ever had and treated me like “no big deal” and it hurt so much! 😭😭The way he moved on so quick when I spent 3 months hating myself and thinking about suicide all time.

LOVE is sooo powerful and so is lust. A part of me knew all along andrew was “too good to be true” and wouldn’t actually ever “love me” but he said he loved me at first, so I wanted it to be very true and told myself “I was so happy with him” but he bread crumbed me most of our relationship and manipulated me with “intermittent reinforcement” for MONTHS! I was super anxious and on edge the whole time with him because I never knew when he was going to leave me again for days or when he would come back and “be with me”. 😢😓 He kept disappointing me and making me feel bad for wanting to be in his presence… I felt bad for even telling him I loved him. I NEVER felt good enough for him!

Why talk about Andrew so much??? I mean, I was trauma bonded to him and obsessed with him. I’ve been trying to understand and also kill the feelings. I broke up with Andrew becuase he acted like he was put out by me and bothered. Plus he cheated. I KNEW I couldn’t trust him but it didn’t mean I stopped caring about “him” or feeling for him… I understand now I don’t know the real him but I still had strong feelings attached. 🥺❤️‍🩹

I don’t hate him and I am trying so hard to keep forgiving him as much as I can. I don’t wish any “karma” or “harm” on him. I don’t want him to get “justice”. I just want him to be real, honest and know that I was real with him always. My intentions were always to cherish him and care about whatever he goes through. He was in college whenever we were talking together and he would tell me how hard school was, how much studying he had to do and say his parents were being so strict on him to “get good grades” 😝 (maybe he was truthful or maybe he lied to me) but I would ALWAYS try to give him encouragement and tell him how I believed in him and wanted the best for him always… 😔 It’s okay if he never wants good for me or the best for me. I mean, you can’t MAKE people love you or force them to fit into your life. You can’t change people to make them be what you want. 🥺🙏🏻❤️‍🩹 (I’m sorry Andrew)

My BIGGEST take aways from this healing journal so far is: Forgiveness, not judging yourself or anyone around you, healing can take time and patience! Knowing who to trust is important AND just because people hurt you, DOES NOT mean you have the right to hurt others. That’s all ❤️‍🩹

[waywardsou1]

15x18. Despair. I’d seen spoilers. Many, many spoilers. I’d even watched the confession prior to the actual episode on multiple occasions. If I’m being honest I’ve only even shaken that hard twice in my life. That’s saying a lot. I don’t really know how to, uh, give myself peace or closure. I mean will Cass just be stuck in the Empty, forever. Is he actually at peace or is he unaware that his body is just laying there perpetually. And what about Dean? Hah, I mean we know he felt the same. He just didn’t say it back and he’s never going to get that chance. As a lover of stories I have never failed to feel something for the characters. I mean Endgame, c’mon, only heartless people didn’t cry at that. (No judgment if you didn’t btw). But this is shattering. It means only two more episodes until the end. And the that’s it. The story has finally come to a close. I’m not ready. I don’t think i ever was. And now it’s here. I don’t want to say goodbye. I never thought I would have to. It just didn’t occur to me. 162 days ago I bought the first disc. And I watched and I watch and I just feel even more in love and I couldn’t stop myself even if I wanted to. And eventually I found the SPNFamily. And it felt like I had something. I thought I was crazy. My family seemed to think so. I was too emotional, I was overreacting, I was too loud. But the SPNFamily showed me that they had felt the exact same way. And that they still do. I’m never going to let this die, regardless of what people think (I’ve had people tell me it’s a obsessive phase). Supernatural has become my and I will fight for it. Everyday. Because it did that for me. It gave me a reason to Always Keep Fighting. I cherish this show beyond anything I have before. It kept me safe. It kept me whole and it kept my feet on the ground when all I wanted to do was jump. Sam, Dean, Cass, Jack and everyone they met along the way, will forever hold a special place in my heart. Thank you Supernatural. Thank you for helping me find myself. Thank you for keeping my grounded. Thank you for daring me to dream. Thank you for showing me that there is always another way, And thank you most of all for bringing me the thing I needed most. Hope. If you made it to the end of this thread I thank you for listening to my story. It really means a lot to me. This show and everyone ever involved in it and I want people to know that. So thank you.

(Accurate at time of writing)

[dreamstone28737]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

I was tagged by the wonderful @minim236 ! 😘 Thank you, doll!

1- How many works do you have on AO3?

Only 7! (Very soon to be 8! 👀) All of them are from my Meet Me at Midnight series.

2- What's your total AO3 word count?

67,450… which is a little crazy to me! (Also, in looking for these stats, I learned that “Can I Ask You a Question” has 15,998 words, and now it’s taking everything in me not to just go in and add two words somewhere. LOL)

3- What fandoms do you write for?

I’m still a really new writer, and Bridgerton is the only fandom I’ve written in, technically… Although I once started a Poldark fanfic that I abandoned and never published. (That was back when I was still very gun shy about posting anything anywhere!)

4- What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

First place: Can I Ask You a Question? - 290

2 - I’m So In Love - 258

3 - Stars by the Pocketful - 233

4 - Older but Just Never Wiser - 185

Last place: My Whole Life - 154

(“Can I Ask You a Question?” was the one I was most insecure about so it’s nice that it did so well.)

5- Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I respond to every comment I see because I can’t believe how sweet people have been about my little stories. I so appreciate everyone who takes the time to say something nice!

I’ve always loved writing. Pretty much since I could hold a pencil, it’s been a sort of coping mechanism (and occasionally a source of stress 😆 ) but I’ve never ever felt confident enough to share anything with anyone. With fanfic, I finally freed myself to write little plotless stories and share them, and it’s been unbelievably rewarding and I genuinely feel it’s helping me grow as a writer. Knowing that people enjoy the thing that gave me so much joy to write is mind-blowing. ❤️

6- What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Honestly, I’m not that angsty in my writing. I think “Older but Just Never Wiser” was my angstiest fic, but the ending was still fairly sweet and resolved. I honestly can’t imagine myself writing something with an angsty ending!

7- What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh my gosh, I think my first one, “I’m So In Love…” was absolutely saccharine! It was nothing but candy-coated sweetness. However, “My Whole Life” ended in a proposal/engagement with like fireworks, so I guess it’s a coin toss.

8- Do you get hate on fics?

I haven’t yet! (Thanks, everyone!!)

9- Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No — not yet! I’m definitely still too shy about it. But I do have an outline for a little something smutty that I wrote once when the muse visited me with it... Whether it will ever see the light of day depends on, like, my confidence and the supply of whisky in my house. Haha

10- Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No crossovers! I haven’t even read a lot of crossovers, so that’s completely uncharted territory for me.

11- Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of! (I don’t think I’m high-profile enough for that! LOL)

12- Have you ever had a fic translated?

I haven’t!

13- Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No! But that sounds super fun.

14- What's your all-time favorite ship?

Right now, I’m pretty ride-or-die for Kanthony. I’ve loved so many ships throughout my life, though!

15- What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

SO. About two years ago (before I came late to the Bridgerton party), I had watched Poldark and it was so beautiful but also had a lot of heart-wrenching aspects, which sort of matched the dark place I was in mentally, so I started a Poldark fic that was just full of angst and sadness and hurt feelings. I never finished it, but I think about it quite a lot, actually, and how I left those guys hanging. I’d love to finish it just to give them some closure, but I’m not really in that headspace these days (which is a good thing!).

Also, more recently, I had an idea for a Regency-era, canon-compliant Kanthony story that I actually did start (I wrote a prologue and have an outline for the rest of it) but as I’m getting into it, I’m rapidly losing confidence that it’s a good idea…. So I don’t know. It might end up abandoned. It’s Anthony POV and more angsty than my Midnights series. It would be a challenge to write, for sure, and maybe that’s why it makes me nervous!

16- What are your writing strengths?

Oh gosh, that’s so hard to answer. I like to think my writing paints a picture, because I see the characters and settings so vividly in my head. Hopefully that’s true!

17- What are your writing weaknesses?

Well, in a general way, second-guessing myself is the BIGGEST weakness. But I often catching myself writing in what I call “outline form,” where I write like “she did that. Then he said this. Then this happened.” And I have to go back and write in more emotional reactions and physical sensation. Also, I’m intimidated by writing conflict and angst. 😂

18- Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

That’s fascinating, and frankly it’s a really intimidating thought. Language is so complex that using a translator just doesn’t capture the full scope and meaning of words and phrases, does it? So, I feel like I would only go there if I could check with someone who knew the language.

19- First fandom you wrote for?

Oh wow. I guess technically that’s Poldark (see above) but back in high school (before I knew what fanfic was) I wrote out a prose version of scenes from a Broadway musical I was obsessed with because I wanted to explore the inner feelings of one of the characters. Nothing was really original, but I needed to do it in order to understand this character I couldn't stop thinking about. Now, looking back, I realize that was fanfic!

20- Favorite fic you've written?

I have this special place in my heart for “I’m So In Love…” because it’s the first fic I ever finished and the first one I ever shared. It also really captured a moment in time for me personally, so I think that one will always be a fave for me. Tied with it is “Stars by the Pocketful,” which was an idea that I carried in my heart for MONTHS before posting “So In Love” gave me the confidence to write it down. That one felt like it was burning a hole in my imagination for ages and I’m so genuinely happy with the finished product.

I’m tagging these lovely people, but no pressure! ❤️- @mimix007, @harnitbee, @nervousladytraveler, @ninamayawrites, @stars-of-kyber

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

you know, the Josh historians might remember the fact that I gave Madoka Magica on DVD to my high school English teacher when I graduated. He was my favourite teacher bar none and influenced the way I thought about media really strongly, so I felt like, fuck it, give him the piece of media that influenced me the most and which is my favourite, you know? Wasn’t sure if he was enough of a nerd to watch anime or anything, but he was enough of a nerd to be both aware of it and more than okay with consuming foreign media - but really more than anything I just wanted the sentiment of giving something important to me, to him. Explained a whole bunch about how much I loved the series and the many amazing things it does and he seemed really happy with the gift at the time, I mean hey it’s way more unique than a box of chocolates, right? And it was about the gift to me, really. Did I want him to watch it? Yeah. Did I want him to like it? I sure hoped so. But as far as I could’ve been aware, I wouldn’t ever really know. And that was okay with me. I was fine just having given him something important to me and having him appreciated the fact that I did that.

Anyway, obviously I’m bringing this up because it’s somehow relevant. Lo and behold, I saw that same English teacher in a shop. And we actually stopped each other and chatted for a bit. There was a degree of awkward “oh how are you doing?” type small talk, but it quickly got swapped out for almost more life affirming general conversation, and I think it was apparent to both of us how happy we were to see each other. Which I feel touched me especially because hey, fair enough for a student to remember a teacher, you don’t get loads of those - but I must have made a hell of an impact to be fondly remembered by a teacher that’s taught hundreds or thousands of students.

But most importantly of all. I asked him if he got around to watching Madoka. And you fucking know he did! Holy shit that’s awesome! Bro I got my high school English teacher to watch Madoka fucking Magica? That’s badass! Obviously I had to ask him what he thought of it too. And he only said one word, delivered softly too - for it was all he needed.

“Beautiful.”

Like fucking fireworks were going off in my head dude. Cause the thing is like cool, really happy to see him, life affirming conversations, just generally really nice, and even if I didn’t ask about Madoka or if I did and he hadn’t watched it then that doesn’t negate that this was a really delightful encounter I’m super happy to have had. But he did watch it! And it fucking touched him dude! He super appreciated it! We were talking more and he even said “I’ve not watched it in a while” and those are his exact words and pay attention to them because bro! If he said “I watched it a while ago” then it’s a one-and-done but he hasn’t watched in a while which implies he’s either already rewatched it or hasn’t closed his mind to the idea and that’s just!!!!!!!!! Like this is the closure I didn’t know I wanted and it’s a way better outcome than I ever would’ve guessed!!!!!!!

So yeah I’m just fuckin happy lol.

[futurewriter0600]

To My First Love

To My First Love:

I doubt you’ll ever see this—in fact, it may be best that you don’t. But, I needed an outlet, and, well, here I am.

I hope you’re doing well. I never wished you ill or anything like that. Even when I called a stop to Us, I still loved you. I wanted the best for you. When we parted, you seemed to know what path you finally wanted to walk; I hope that path has brought you joy.

I’m doing well myself, I guess. I’ve been through a lot of hardships, but I made it.

The Potato is still potato-ing and living her best life. She’s actually quite cuddly now (especially when she knows I have to leave), but she still gets up to all sorts of mischief. The Cuddle Slug hasn’t changed much either, but she has tried to suffocate me a few times. And the Void is as unchanging as her namesake.

I don’t think I anticipated still holding on to bits of you after this long, but at the same time, I’m not surprised. We were together for almost seven years—seven formative years at the height of figuring out “Who Am I?” Our lives were so interwoven that I’m still finding bits you left behind, memories I thought I had forgotten, habits I can trace back to you.

Losing what we had was like mourning the loss of a loved one, and you know I’m bad at that. I was fine at first because I had finally made a decision for me, not for us, and I had already spent so much time grieving what we already lost. But like any grief, it comes in waves. I’m trying to focus on neither the good nor the bad, but on the Relationship as a whole.

I never felt like I had proper closure. I was the one who ended it—I was the one ready to move on—and yet… There are times I still think about friends I had for only one year in elementary school, so how much more will I think of you?

But…

I think I’m finally ready to move on. Finally ready to fully face the future instead of keeping one eye behind me. Finally ready to let go of those last echoes of threads connecting me to you. I took down the photos from our dates. I dyed my hair all the colors you’d hate. I cosplayed the characters I wanted to. I paid off the bed I bought for Us. I sold the car I drove you in. Toothless now sits on my mother's bookshelf.

For better or for worse, you helped shape me into who I am today. For better or for worse, I helped shape you.

As I officially close the book on that volume in my life, I think of you.

I hope you’ve moved on. I hope you’ve found happiness.

Farewell,

Your First Love

[cowboylikedean]

my preliminary track by track

Lavender Haze: Not what I thought it would be, but somehow better??? she mentioned the engagement rumors!!! also like..... the chorus is so bouncy and I love it so much. It gives off nyd vibes to me in that I think this song is like a promise of commitment

Maroon: my first thought on my first listen was "is this a haylor song???? and then when she said "that's a fucking legacy" i was like "AHHHH” now though, I think it’s about Karlie. Whoever it’s about, I think it’s beautiful. When we got the title, my first thought was “Red but darker” and I still think that… it’s like… dirty red. and I need to flesh that out more, but I’m spending time with other songs and I’ll get back to Maroon.

Anti-Hero: I CRIED LIKE A BABYthe chorus, introducing herself as the problem!!! then oh my god calling her depression by its name!!!, daughter in law was interesting to me too.... the implication she would have a kid also its a fucking bop that made me want to die. It still does. Its so relatable and honest and genuine and I would die for her. 

Snow on the Beach: the sweetest thing i’ve ever heard, that second verse transcends language. 

You’re on Your Own Kid: To me, this song is about celebrating choices. it’s knowing you made your own choices, and no one made them for you. It’s knowing you’ll make your own choices again. And it’s learning to trust yourself and your choices. The uplifting way the end happens and everything swells… I just think it’s like…….. about growing into trusting yourself and I have a lot I want to dive into about it being track 5 specifically that I haven’t had the time to. but my first thoughts are that it’s track 5 because the thesis of this album is about choices

Midnight Rain: This is my favorite song after anti-hero. I love the alterations on her voice but also “I wanted that pain” is a lyric that will haunt me forever. But more than anything, this song really fleshed out the ttds/dorthea story and that contextualizes a lot of evermore for me. i think there’s so much to be said about her relationship with fame and her choices around that, which ties into yoyok. I just think this song provides rich context to her life and also normalizes her fame while discussing its abnormality. I have so much I could say

Question…?: Obvious haylor song that makes me endlessly happy to hear it. It’s remarkable to me that the haylor song Taylor writes looking back years later still doesn’t have any closure. and then she opens up the idea that everyone is second best in comparison to her for him and i just have so many feelings and most of it is just like KJAKLDJFLK THIS WOMAN WILL NOT LET THIS MAN JUST LIVE like she really was like “hey…. i’m the love of your life and you can’t have me…. KK BYE” like lol and she knows what she’s doing which is why she’s like “it’s just a question” like yeah it’s just a question that’s unnecessary!!! anyway, i’m glad she made the decision to poke that particular bear because i love hearing them write about each other. i hope he responds.

Vigilante Shit: She came for Scooter’s jugular. Anyway, I love this song. It’s so different from anything else she’s done and yet is 100% the same as mad woman and no body no crime. I haven’t spent the time with it I would need to spend to have more thoughts

Bejeweled: My first thought was that this is about Calvin or Jake. But the more I listen to it, the more it feels almost like she’s personified her depression and is singing to it. I LOVE the “i can still make the whole place SHIMMER” “I can still say I don’t REMEMBER” like it just sounds SO good!! I think this is going to be a song I use to personify my depression, whether that’s what she was doing or not. 

Labyrinth: I need the lyrics in front of me and more time to feel this song the way I need to feel it…. But this THIS  this…………. it’s the process of the healing she has been singing about the whole time… Daylight/the whole rep album/evermore. I can’t wait to listen to this in the middle of a breakdown and feel completely understood and have a direction. and that production on her vocals from midnight rain!! i love it!! also its soakljalkjlk the way it swells at the end and gets progressively lighter and happier…. IT’S ABOUT THE HEALING JOURNEY 

Karma: I know that reddit hates the playful lyrics but i lOVE THEM!! “Karma is a cat purring on my lap cause it loves me” I NEED HER TO KNOW THAT THIS IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING I’VE HEARD!! It gives me the playful freedom/I’m moving on vibes that ibytam gives. And coming right after labyrinth… the two of these songs work in tandem to me. It’s about healing. I love this song

Sweet Nothings: I am so glad that it really is a love song about them they wrote together. “You say what a mind/this happens all the time” I love that! I’m going need a lot more time with it before I have more complex thoughts especially about “to you I can admit that I’m just too soft for all of it” 

Mastermind: KLSJADFLKJASDKLF COWBOY LIKE ME HAS ITS MOMENT IN THE SUN I, again need to spend more time with it before I have more complex words… but it really feels, again like it’s about choices. She made the choices that led her here with Joe and she planned to love him forever. She saw him that first night she came home and wrote the barebones of Gorgeous (and the fucking reference!!!!JKljdlaskfjlkI CAN’T) and every choice after that made this all possible. And he made choices too and it made all of it happen. “No one wanted to play with me as a little kid” I WANT TO DIE and this song is just kjsadlfkjkl I don’t have the words. I just get overwhelmed with this song. I need more time before I can get it together lol

[ribbitdesdemars]

My parents came over today and I ended up telling them what happened. My dad ended up walking away before I was half way thru the story. The look on his face was the one I was looking for when he found out I was cheated on by a previous ex. Like I’ve truly never seen this man try SO HARD to maintain his poker face. I can’t believe that this is what invoke his rage to the point of no control. Now I understand why he wasn’t there the day she moved out. I mean, I had a feeling but seeing it was something else to say the least. I don’t know if it’s because he went thru a similar situation before meeting my mom or because he hated that his little girl had to suffer the same fate he had. Maybe a little bit of A and a little bit of B. He might of hated seeing the hurt on my face when I told them how everyone around her painted me to be this villain since I’m my fathers daughter in the sense that when shit hits the fan, all emotion goes out the window and logic is the only person running the show. Maybe it was him seeing me have to relive the whole day or hearing that I had retell my side of the story for someone else’s comfort? Who knows lol Honestly, I might be projecting some of my rage onto him. He ended up laying down on my hammock and passing out before I finished my story.

On the other hand, when I said that I spoke with my ex, my mother was not surprised. When I told her that I had told Sabrina the events of that day, she was confused as to why I would expose myself like that just for her to get closure, knowing good and well I had finally let it go. She kept interrupting with her own little comments to the point that I had to be like well if you let me finish you would know that I was getting to whatever she would say lmao She kept doing little HAs whenever I told her how people twisted the narrative or shake her head in disbelief. She was genuinely shocked about how people could be so cruel which I was too honestly like what the fuck did I ever do to these people for them to paint me to be such a heartless monster.

I knew there was a reason why my soul felt restless when working with them but God DAMN todo eso?!? Like enserio?! Thank you JESUS that’s not my fucking problem anymore. Maybe they thought it would be easier for my ex to get over me if she hated me or maybe they felt comfortable talking so much hate on me because my ex did like truly only God knows.

ANYWHOSE

Once I was done, she was glad that I was able to get that off my chest cause she knew it was something that I was still carrying. While, yes, I had already forgiven myself for my actions, this is what I needed. Not only because I was able to tell my side of things but because it was an unpleasant reminder as to why I shouldn’t be looking back. The amount of ANXIETY that rose when talking with my ex was truly SHOCKING. It was like the anxiety engulfed me and bubbled to the surface of my skin. It felt like it was radiating out of me or like I was wearing it. I truly don’t know how to explain. What I do know is that it was an unpleasant reminder of what our relationship was really like. I was constantly worried about saying the wrong thing, having the wrong tone, doing anything that could possibly trigger my ex partner into an emotional spiral. It reminded me that I lived with that anxious feeling 24/7 and how suffocating it felt. It also reminded me of how I felt unseen in the relationship or it reenforced the idea that my ex fell in love with the idea of me but not who I really am. From the beginning of our relationship, I made it very clear that I do not share my personal life with just anyone so hearing my ex tell me that she reached out to people that I haven’t even talked to was revolting and all around disrespectful. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t dream of us getting back together on a daily thinking maybe if things were different or maybe if I had acted different but after all of that, no thank you. I value my peace and love myself to let myself go through that again.

When I told my mother all of this, the sigh of relief was LOUD lmao she told me she was genuinely worried that I would get back together with my ex due to the way I still talk about her lovingly or how I mentioned that I still miss her or how I am brutally honest when I say that I still love her. At the end of the day, God came through with this one. I told my mom how Sabrina had asked to see me and I told her to come over and after I had said that I prayed to God asking please whatever ends up happening happens for my benefit, for my betterment. So when she ended up not showing up, I knew he was looking out for me cause only He knows what I would have said or done if she was in front of me.

The conversation ended the same way as all my conversations do when I talk about my ex with my mom lol First, she still wishes I would come live back home not only to leave the place that I once shared with my ex but to also save up money to buy a house. Second, her trying to relate with my pain. I finally told her to please stop trying to relate. While I do understand that she has been through heart breaks of her own, she does not understand this specific kind of pain. I told her the best thing she can do is just listen and be patient that I will move on from this. It ended up with me giving her reassurance that I know I will move on since I have survived hardships in the past and her calling me strong. She then tried to get me to unpack some childhood trauma that she really doesn’t have any business in hearing about for her own sake. However, I did take notes to go over with my therapist lol I know she means well and that is all that matters.

[ffive-by-fivee]

An Open Letter

To a year that taught me that change can be good, brought me the truest love I’ll ever know, and the biggest smiles I’ve ever had. I experienced personal growth like never before, followed my favorite band on tour (and met incredible people while doing it), almost legally adopted a teenager, saw high school me’s favorite band play their first show in 10 years, took a 24 hour whirlwind trip to see my love do her thing, had the best birthday I’ve ever had, rekindled an important friendship, damn near lost another, almost died in a couple pits, had some really heartbreaking realizations in therapy, got a promotion, learned how to process trauma and be a better friend and partner, took trips to the mountains, the desert, and the middle of nowhere, let go of the idea of closure, accepted my role in other’s lives, started recording music again, loved harder than I ever have, learned to be patient with myself in the same way that I’m patient with others, given myself room to fuck up, realized that there are people who will love me despite those fuck ups, had the 2 best nights of my entire life, almost donated a kidney (still might), gained some weight from just being well mentally, hugged a lot, got some tattoos, ate some incredible food, went on too many amazing road trips to count, went on one really bad one, followed my heart at every turn instead of my head, and let go of what no longer served me.

I developed a love for myself that no other person will ever be able to take away. I’m so much more well equipped to handle situations that trigger me than I ever have been before. I’m surrounded by people that truly love me, and love me in the way that I need. I never feel like I’m asking for too much or being a burden. Those self-loathing feelings are gone. I’m completely happy and comfortable being independent but I’ve also learned that it’s okay to lean on others sometimes. I’m great at understanding my wants and needs and communicating them. I’m patient with myself. I’m patient with others. My greatest strength is my ability to see other’s perspectives. I’m full of empathy. But I’ve also learned how to set boundaries, stick by them, and not over extend myself for others to the point of losing myself in it. I’ve found balance and harmony in all aspects of my personality. I’ve really found who I am, for myself and for the people I love.

But all of that growth hasn’t been without pain. I learned that resentment and love can exist side by side. I let go of something that I thought I would always have. Something that I put almost a decade of love and hope and tears and pain and compassion into. Something that I lost myself to. Something I wanted to salvage more than anything in the world, but in the end it just chewed me up and spit me out. Sometimes love isn’t enough, especially if it’s one sided. Sometimes you have to choose yourself and leave behind what won’t move with you. But it taught me a lot of lessons. I learned what selfless love looks like. I learned how to respect myself. I learned my worth. I learned that it’s okay to feel anger when it’s deserved. I learned to stop making excuses for other people and to hold them accountable. I learned how to understand what I’m feeling, sit with it, and then move on. I don’t think I’ve addressed you or the situation directly publicly since we last spoke but I’m going to do it now since I doubt you’ll ever see this: it makes me so angry that I still have any love for you in my heart. I love with my whole body, so I know it’ll always be there, but it makes me angry. It makes me angry because I know that you don’t care. I gave up on closure awhile ago but this feeling will always be with me. This soft spot will never go away. I’ve written pretty prose and waxed lyrical about it, but my relationship with those feelings have changed. I no longer think the love I have for you is beautiful. It’s always, always been a selfless love on my part, sure, but it was misplaced. It wasn’t earned or deserved. It was given because that’s who I am and how I love. I no longer have a tie to you, you gave that back last week. And you’ve made it very clear that you don’t care, so I don’t either. It gets under my skin that I even care enough to resent you. I’ve made my peace with the fact that you will always be right where I left you. I’m glad that works for you, but I’m taking steps forward every day. It does make me sad that I spent years of my life pouring myself into something to not even be able to salvage a friendship out of it. I am haunted by a past I cannot go back to. The reality is that those versions of us don’t exist anymore, and they never will again. Whoever I knew, whoever I loved, she’s no longer there. I’ll carry those lessons with me for the rest of my life, so in a way you’ll always be with me, but this is where I leave you. I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been, and it makes me sad that you’ll never be able to witness it. I sincerely want to thank you for leading me to myself. It’s the best gift you could’ve given me. I’m trying my best every day to let go of the resentment and think of those memories with fondness and not disdain, but that’s where I’m at right now. I hope you’re well, and I want you to know that I only ever wanted you to want better for yourself. I have a lot of things to apologize for, but I’ll never get the chance. I’ll always love you, but I can’t care anymore. Someone told me that “letting go doesn’t mean that you love them any less, it just means you love yourself more.” And I do love myself more. So I’m letting you go. Maybe there’s a timeline where we got to be friends. I hope there is, because I would’ve loved nothing more.

If 2022 was about letting go, 2023 is about finding. Finding more of who I am, my place, consistency, adventure, balance, more love. The goal for next year is 5 countries, I’m checking off 2 in a couple weeks, and another 2 a few months later. So I just need to throw 1 more in there. And then a bunch more US travel plans (I’m looking at you, 12 hour LA trip 😬). I want to see the world. I want to experience new things and new people. I want to walk in beautiful places. I want to eat weird shit. I want to learn new languages. I want to plan and be impulsive and save my money just to spend it. I want to love life the way life has loved me the last year. I want to live my life with intention. And I want to do it with the people I love.

So maybe change isn’t such a bad thing after all. Maybe I was wrong. Continuity and transformation always travel together.

[anaabaalistic]

OCTOBER 31, 2022

4:21PM

It’s been almost 3 months since we last spoke , we’ve reached out to the people closest to us to give each other closure well you did , I sent flowers and you never said anything so I didn’t try again but closure was never actually given between us , I took it though you told my best-friend you were happy and that you put your feelings for me in a box and that’s where they’ll stay . I wish it was that easy for me to do the same instead it’s a constant ache that won’t leave me alone . Some days have gotten better than most , some days I find myself wanting to remember your features , your scent , the way you said “ gooooomorning baby “ I find myself saying it outloud in your voice some days I do anything I can to hold on to you and other days I find myself cursing the universe for having sent you to me and taking you away from me . I don’t ever regret us but I am so angry at the world for introducing me to a love so beautiful and real then having it ripped away from me it’s not like I wasn’t expecting it , I was I knew there’d be a bitter end but the more I fell in love the more I convinced myself you’d choose me the more I believed that we were worth putting our lives in shambles because in the end it’d be us , and we’d have everything we wanted we’d rejoice in the life we built together we’d look back and say it was worth it why did I believe that so deeply ? It’s because it’s what we agreed on it’s what we talked about but , I was a fool for believing that so deeply because now here I am , my heart in shambles while you continue to live your façade , that’s what I tell myself it’s a façade but in reality I’ve heard your happy and I know that’s what I want for you but the hurt part of me still wants to believe that you miss me , that’s theres still some sort of feeling that can’t just be put in a box because there isn’t a box big enough in this lifetime to contain the love we felt for each other , the way a simple hand stroke was enough to re center us , our morning daily phone calls just to start our days on the right note , the calls in between the day to remind each other that we love each other , meeting just for a second any chance we got , sitting together always intertwined in the most natural way , I love my memories with you I love that they’re not tainted with a sour taste of regret instead a soft taste of nostalgia , of love . Some days I understand the phrase it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all and other days I wish we could’ve kept our perfect bubble of love . We were great together , when it was just you and me we flowed so divinely . We deserved more time to fall in love , we deserved the life we talked about . I’m constantly asked how I’m doing since you , truth be told I walk around feeling hollow , better than before but still hollow , empty . I had never felt that way after loosing someone I claimed to love but I guess you can’t miss what you didn’t know you were even missing to begin with but after you I found my soul mate so how am I suppose to feel whole again when now I know what I’ve been missing , it’s as if I was found for the first time and then lost , now anything after you seems so bleak , I hate thinking that way and I know it’ll pass with more time and healing but how ? When ? When will the sky feel blue again ? I can sit here and reminisce on the memories of us but for what ? You made your choice , you chose what was best for you . In reality you don’t have a right to this hurt you’ve caused me because we’re both adults and you had every opportunity to choose me and you didn’t. That right there is the only reality that matters yet I still can’t be angry at you I still wish you’d reach out tell me you loved me and that you were ready because the moment you do , I’ll be ready too .

[ruminate88]

Symptoms After Narcissistic Abuse ?

My last relationship with a narcissist, Andrew, ended March 2015, although I continued to have contact with him afterwards for that whole summer at least until August. Then I had to face Andrew one more time in January 2016, but he wasn’t the only narcissist I ever dealt with I dealt with two others(that I’m aware of), Cody and Jake.

I got married in 2017 to a really nice guy but I was still pretty keyed up from narcissistic abuse. I don’t think I truly ever relaxed and I know that I consistently worried about if my husband was going to cheat or going to lie to me or suddenly tell me he pretended all of his feelings just like my ex, Andrew, said he did. I kept waiting for my husband to drop a bomb on me and it has yet to happen, but I’ve continually searched for it…

2020 we all know Covid happened and it was very crazy and extreme. I think everybody was on edge wondering what’s going to happen next!! will there be enough food, was everybody going to get sick and die, was the sickness even real, what about the vaccine, was people going to lose their jobs, was the world going to end…? In the fall of 2020 began all of my stomach issues: I had burning in my esophagus so bad I could not eat for weeks and I randomly lost 25 pounds!!! 😳Mind you though, there was times when I dated Andrew that I actually had no appetite and forgot to eat, because there was so much drama, stress, confusion, fear and heartbreak with him, but I never lost any weight then… I was 127 when I was with Andrew but I continued to carry a lot of weight and I actually gained weight after I got married!! I was up to 133 pounds! But at the end of 2020, I was now down to 110 pounds.

in 2020, I never knew what narcissism was but I knew that I would consistently think about Andrew and I could never stop and I felt as if I was cheating on my husband even though I wasn’t! I had no contact with Andrew whatsoever. I just could not stop thinking about him 24/7 . I never knew about trauma bond. I had no idea why I was still obsessed with Andrew and I hated it so much because I knew what he had put me through and how bad of a guy he was and there was no way I should be able to miss him! that made me feel really stupid, like, why would I miss a guy that treats me so poorly? I also believe in 2020 all that happened in our world made a lot of people think about how their lives could change in a moment and you wonder how people are doing. I did wonder if all of my exes were OK how they were surviving, did they lose their jobs ? Did they get sick? Did they get the shot? So many things running in my mind because I’m just a person that always cares about other people and that will never change for me. I did try to Google Cody to see if he was alive because I had a bad feeling but when I googled him, he looks fine to me. Doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with him and I wonder did he get sick during Covid or did he get the shot? What is he doing with his life? There’s not a whole lot of information online like their use to be. He stopped updating a lot of his social media accounts! (Probably made all new ones cuz he does that) He doesn’t have any social media that I could find but I did find his new address and his new phone number, it was all I could do to keep myself from writing him a letter since he ghosted me, but I knew that would be a horrible idea that if he can ghost me, that means he does not care about me whatsoever and sending him a letter would probably not change or affect him at all It’s better that I just let him go even though he has no idea how I never got closure, and I suffered so many years with that it was like a heavy burden on my heart because of him!

when you read online about the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, you learn about trauma bond, cognitive dissonance and it says that you can have memory loss, headaches, stomach issues, which I did have stomach issues but not until 2020 my last relationship ended in 2015! My question has been was the stomach issues from stress of Covid or narcissistic abuse? Was it something else that I had going on inside of me or was it the aftermath from all the narcissist abuse, dealing with three different narcissist??? The problem is even though I’ve stopped losing weight and I’ve been able to eat, I still get a lot of indigestion and heartburn issues. Now I had a grandmother, whom, when she was alive also had a weak stomach but I don’t know if she ever truly went through what I’ve went through. Whenever the stomach issue started in 2020, I tried to call the doctor and get help but unfortunately it was during Covid and that was all that the doctors could focus on at that time!! they could not help me with anything else unless it was Covid related but they made me an appointment to see them. it was all about Covid though and I had a very uncomfortable feeling about it, and I backed out of the appointment because I simply did not trust the doctor at that time! I believed they were only going to test me for Covid and they were going to probably say I had Covid and try to convince me to get the shot and I just did not feel right about it. I had a very bad feeling. That means I had to fix myself. I had to find something over the counter to take just to stop the burning in my esophagus, and then I had to move on and questioned what’s wrong with me? How did it start but now that I know all about narcissistic abuse, and the symptoms that narcissistic abuse can cause, I realize that I’ve had just about every one of the symptoms, including: I was depressed and suicidal the whole time I dealt with the narcissistic men. 🥺🥺🥺

if you or someone you know is or has dealt with narcissistic abuse, let them know that it’s OK and that it’s not permanent and that they will get through it and they will be all right. The memory loss I never had!! (thank God) I’ve always had an excellent memory, but there is a lot of fog surrounding narcissist, and they are very confusing people... They confuse you all the time!! It’s a real thing and they keep you distracted too! When I was dating Andrew, I was so distracted that I couldn’t focus on ANYTHING except him the WHOLE TIME and there’s still times I find myself distracted, thinking of him, and it tries to stop me from getting anything accomplished in my daily routines and I have to remind myself that that’s in the past!! I’m in a new reality now and I want to be in my present time!! I don’t want to be trapped in the past, but it is very easy to be stuck in the past. 😰 It is a real thing and you need to recognize it and you need to work on it. You’re working on yourself every day, learning and growing. Don’t stop growing and don’t stop moving forward!

I was diagnosed in elementary school with a learning disability and with slight add which is now titled as “adhd” but your ability to “focus” when dating a narcissist, is way worse!! I struggled to be in “reality” more than usual and even my mom saw how much I changed at that time. Andrew just had me so obsessed with him and I’ve struggled to break that.

tell me what you think about all this below……