#either will do that in a bit but 90% chance i forget<3

[radrobotz]

i was planning to finally move dc stuff to a sideblog but i keep posting abt it here 😭

[chibishortdeath]

I did a little bit of background practice yesterday. I usually forget that I could be drawing scenery and stuff so I’m kinda rough at it. It took like three tries to get the results of that first picture (second picture was one of those tries, and I’m not even showing the other one it was really bad 💀💀💀)

Also just throwing in some other doodles cause yeah :3. Simon. Some of these are from the same page and some of these are ones I think I forgot to post a bit ago so if there’s repeats then eh whatever lol. Explanations under a cut :)

This is pretty much just a study of a photo of a graveyard I ran into on Pinterest. Liminal spaces are very nice for finding background references because you can be sure no one is gonna be in them and they have the weird vibe that The Guy™️ should be in. But holy HELL trees are HARD. Like obviously I know what a tree looks like but the second I have to draw branches trees suddenly do not make sense anymore 💀

Another liminal space, this one was a path with the sky completely blacked out. I tried putting Simon into it but he kinda ended up a little muddled and too small augh. I’m also not very great at combining people and backgrounds so uh yeah. This one was also a much faster doodle just trying to warm up for the first one. But eh it’s cool idk. I need to put him in more liminal spaces or like try to draw the Simon’s Quest areas in 3D eventually.

Small practice comic! There’s no words, Simon just kinda walks a bit and passes out. I was gonna have more things happen but I didn’t have the room for it and decided to just leave it as a little practical piece. He’s probably gonna get up in a little bit and freak out about how much time he wasted.

Just a Simon head :3. His hair is fun to draw! I usually end up simplifying things as like a little uh polygonal… I think that’s the word… When drawing skulls, I usually go for octagons instead of circles because that’s much easier, but that ends up bleeding into how I draw hair making it kinda spikey and pointy in some spots on the top. I feel like I draw pretty inconsistently, but he’s very pretty and fun to draw regardless of how he ends up :3

This is some weird ass fan art of two things that aren’t related at all lmao. Sometimes you gotta crossover things that don’t make sense for the fun of it. This is Simon drawn based on a scene from the Fear Garden music video! Fear Garden is a banger, shout out to Chaa fr, it’s a vocaloid song about a girl who has a weird obsession with hands (Kira joke lol) and kills people to plant their hands in her secret garden where she treats them like flowers. Yeah, again it makes no sense, but the pose with the two mirrored characters was really cool and idk the vibes were there—

Simon sitting in between two graves, both say “BELMONT” in big letters, but one is for Christopher and Cyncia and the other is for Soleil and whoever his significant other was, we don’t have a name so it’s cut off. This has me thinking about the time in between all these characters hmm. Doing the math, Soliel would’ve been in his 90s when Simon was born, so there’s actually a good chance he wasn’t Simon’s grandfather, rather his great grandfather :O. Which means that there’s two generations we know nothing about between these two. And also that Simon would’ve never met either Soleil or Christopher or Cyncia :(. Then that has me thinking about fan comic stuff and how I’m gonna depict Simon hmmmmmmm. I imagine Simon spent a lot of time in the family graveyard tbh.

Simon is totally me when I dramatically collapse on a large marble monument of some sort in the graveyard— There’s also a couple attempts at drawing his paldrons at different angles but aaaa I can’t visualize these things properly. They’re just like kinda flared half ovals, why are they so hard to draw at any angle but like head on and top view 💀💀💀??? I’m trying to get out of the habit of drawing them bent in angles that don’t make sense but argggggg it’s hard lol.

Yeah, recent doodles tho yippie d(^^ )!

[sc-intothedarknightofthesoul]

3, 4, 11, 15 and 17 from Soul Calibur ask list?

3. What is your favourite game?

I grew up with this series, but I can confidently say that out of all the Soul Calibur games I've played thus far (or at least the major ones), Soul Calibur 6 has to be my favourite. One of my favourite things about it is that it takes the story told from the original timeline and retells it in a way that is easy to follow. Not only do we have The Main Chronicle with Kilik, Maxi and Xianghua as major characters and Libra of Soul with our own character, Grøh, and Azwel as major characters, we also have a Soul Chronicle for every character, which is something I feel the other games should've done all along, but I don't blame Project Soul for not implementing them at the time.

I'm also never gonna forget that this is the game I showed ONE cutscene (specifically that one where The Conduit aka my character gets thrown around by Azwel and Grøh fights him then pushes him off the ledge) to my friends on Discord and I found out the next day they collectively bought the game, and now it's a running gag among my group that Kasta (who was originally my internet persona before incorporating them into a fully fledged character) couldn't gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss their way out of that situation.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

4. Who was the first character you played as?

I was really young when I played Soul Calibur 2 (my introduction to the series), like not even past the age of 5 young, so my memory is a bit foggy. However, I did remember my Mom playing alongside me, and we played as either Cassandra or Talim a lot...and Spawn too, since I had the Xbox version.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

11. What is your favourite mode?

Libra👏Of👏Soul👏baby!!!

A game mode that comes close has to be Chronicles of the Sword from 3.

I'm never passing up a chance to play a good story centred around a character I created.

I also spent a lot of time playing the Weapons Master mode from 2, I'm always excited to collect weapons and outfits from different regions.

It had a cute little story going on too, but I imagined it would have been a lot better if they introduced the Character Creation mechanic one instalment early.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

15. What is your favourite song?

DANCE OF THE ORACLE!

When you hear this song play, you know shit's gonna get intense real quick, and although there are other songs that show how intense things are gonna get, Dance of the Oracle is the kind of intense that feels PERSONAL, and this plays when you fight Viola in Quick Battles.

And when I heard this play in Amy's Soul Chronicle in her fight against Azwel...

Picture me pacing around the biggest room in my house like a chicken for hours repeating "oh my god" over and over again (I've been diagnosed as autistic early in my life and I am also being treated for my ADHD symptoms, so it takes a bit for me to recover fully from the intense emotions being built-up in my system, and my siblings like to tease me about looking like a chicken when I pace, but anyway).

Project Soul did not need to go THAT hard, but they did anyway and I am here for it!

It's also one of many links that connects Amy to Viola, and I loved that callback and attention to detail they implemented in Amy's story.

Honourable mention goes to any rendition of Healing Winds.

Personal favourite renditions are this:

Because I can imagine this being played in a scene where everybody's recovering from the final battle, and/or an emotional reunion or farewell happens.

And this:

Because it gives me 90s anime ending vibes (and it's funny that the series was introduced in the mid-90s, which makes it even better as I often implement the retro aesthetic in my art!)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

17: What is your favourite ending?

In general?

The Good Ending to Libra of Soul:

On it's own or on a surface level, it might not mean much.

But when you build-up to it knowing everything you've gone through in Libra of Soul, the battles you've fought and the people you've befriended, and getting to know who Grøh, the man who didn't give you a good first impression, is as a character, of course you would shed a tear or two when he turns back with that smile.

And god damn it did this man make me cry!

As for individual character endings, it's hard to say.

However, I would also say it's a tie between Ivy's ending from 4:

and Yoshimitsu's ending from 6:

I have a soft spot for characters who are willing to change themselves as people after being given a second chance at life and, for some of them, after the things they've pulled.

I'm sure there's plenty more the series has to offer, but these are the first that come to mind.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That's all for this post! Thank you for the ask and have a lovely day/night!

[calamitypod]

By the Dice: Slugblaster

As we leave Slugblaster behind this week, let's talk about its probability engine!

This is going to be a shorter one than Ten Candles was, and by a good margin---which is okay! Ten Candles was almost entirely dice-driven, and rolls corresponded directly to game length, so there were some cool side topics we needed to delve into; this shorter version is probably going to be more representative of these dice chats going forward. With that in mind:

Slugblaster uses a version of the Forged in the Dark engine, which for those unfamiliar, is the framework behind Blades in the Dark, and similar games. What that means for us is that we're operating on a d6 dice pool system, reading only the highest die rolled. A 6 is a success, a 4 or 5 is a success with a problem, and a 1, 2, or 3 is a failure (also with problem!).

Quick disclaimer: Keep in mind that we aren't focusing on the immaterial here---'immaterial' doesn't mean 'unimportant,' but while something like kick helps you out narratively (and mechanically in terms of style gain or filling tracks) it doesn't actually change your odds on individual rolls, which are our general focus.

Got that? Let's see some charts!

And by 'charts' I mean 'chart,' really, because there's only one thing we're really concerned about: how do those dice pools impact your odds of success?

Answer: pretty strongly!

[fig 1: a table of max roll probabilities for dice pools ranging from 1d6 to 6d6]

You're probably not seeing a 6d6 dice pool in Slugblaster without getting a lot of boost from your teammates, but the high-pool cases are still worth considering.

One of the interesting bits about this, at least to me, is that the 3d6 to 4d6 barrier is where a shift starts happening---the odds of a conflict (4-5) or triumph (6) both climbed for the first set of pool increases, but as soon as we pass to 4+d6, conflict odds start decreasing; you have over a 90% chance of succeeding in some form, and additional dice will mostly help remove the chance of a problem.

[fig 2: a chart of max roll probabilities for dice pools ranging from 1d6 to 6d6]

[fig 3: a cumulative probability chart for dice pools ranging from 1d6 to 6d6]

For the more visual folks out there, here's some charts about it: these are both saying essentially the same thing, but in two different ways. Fig. 2 tracks the odds of any particular number being the highest in a pretty straightforward way. Fig. 3 tracks the odds that you will roll at or above a certain number---you'll always roll at least a 1, so it starts at 100% for any pool size. As they increase, we can see that curve becoming tighter; in a hypothetical situation where we had more than 6d6, we can pretty easily envision what that evolution would look like.

So, what do we take away from this?

First, that teamwork, boost, and anything else that could give you an extra die is incredibly important---up to a point. That first additional d6 to your pool ups your chances of overall success (at least a 4) from 50% to 75%, straight-up, and the 3d6 boost to about 87% is nothing to sneeze at, either. The Chill's boost ability in Turbo---always rolling with an extra die---is huge in terms of its impact for that player specifically; they simply always start with better odds, and by a fair margin. The Guts ability to add a d6 if they're trying to look cool does the same thing: you will be measurably and substantially more likely to succeed.

However, continuing to boost after a certain point becomes less about your odds of success (which are pretty good after about 3d6!) and more about eliminating problems. You're always welcome to add those additional dice, either from your gear or your personal pool, but they're likely to have less of an impact from a strict succeed/fail perspective. (Of course, problems can still be pretty substantial; while we're mechanically focused during our dice chats, let's not forget the potential narrative fallout!)

Disaster rolls, which start showing up in the third act of a run, are always going to follow that 1d6 curve (i.e. a straight line), so rest somewhat assured that piling on the trouble isn't a slippery slope---at least not here. Your odds of passing a disaster roll will get worse, but it will be by the same amount every time.

Epilogue rolls are another story---in Slugblaster Turbo, which we played, style and trouble are rolled as pools to determine epilogue high points and low points. These follow the dice pool stats above: those first few points of trouble are likely to make your low point substantially worse, but even a little style is likely to boost the high point.

Final Thoughts

There's an assertion on page 14 of the core book that "you're going to fail a lot, and you're going to roll more 4s and 5s than anything else," and fun fact: that's true!

[fig. 4: a table of max roll probabilities for different allowed dice pools, starting from 1d6-2d6 and proceeding to 1d6-6d6, assuming equal dice pool distribution over the course of a game.]

The table above uses the assumption that there is some theoretical pool maximum, and that all dice pools during a game are equally likely to be of any size between 1 and the maximum. That is, for a 2d6 game, there is a 50% chance of rolling with a 2-die pool, and a 50% chance of rolling with 1. While this assumption may not be perfectly accurate over the small-number statistics which describe any individual game, they should be reasonable for our larger-scale purposes.

And what we find is that it takes the inclusion of the 5d6 dice pool for 6s to pull even, and 6d6 for them to nose into the lead! You really are most likely to be rolling 4s and 5s in most games of Slugblaster that you play.

With that said, two final notes:

First, those success probabilities are still pretty good, even with problems. You might get into trouble, but by and large you'll succeed more often than you fail.

Second, failure is not the end. You may get scraped up, you may get into trouble, and you may have to find another way around an obstacle, but failures can and should still be interesting, and even fun! This isn't just a mathematical game; it's also a narrative one.

Armed with this knowledge, go forth and blast it sluglike!

[raayllum]

also bc of the new content / season incoming rayllum and this blog have been getting more attention so just a few reminders / boundaries:

1) I’m not here to offer comfort or approval. You have or like a HC, just go for it. You’re worried or stressed about S4? That’s your thing, I’m happy and excited, and I come here to make fun stuff and have fun, not to offer reassurance (which, take a quick peek through my tags, you can already find spades of). 

2) If you have a question regarding a character’s background or choices, there’s a good chance that information is already included on their wikipedia or on my meta page (directory and all). Please check those places first before sending an ask in. 

3) My theories, opinions, and interpretations are just that: mine, and can matter as much or as little as you want them to. Recently there have been some posts detracting some ideas that I blog about often, or even sparingly originated, in ways that haven’t been particularly kind. By no means do people have to agree with me (like, at all), and while I make the stuff I do because it’s fun, I also put real effort and time into those things, often times 3-4 hours minimum if not more, and having that effort dismissed or derided is a bit hurtful if not also insulting, to say the least. Again, this is absolutely the minority of fans, but I think it’s very easy for people to forget there’s, well, a real whole other person behind a screen. I’m not in this to be right or wrong, I’m here to have fun and explore concepts, possible parallels, etc. Even (and when) I’ve disagreed with a theory or interpretation, I’ve typically done my best to be kind about if it it wasn’t related to trolling. I like to think the same courtesy will be extended to me. 

idk if I’m just tired of seeing the same TTM discourse hashed out all over again (seeing people extend little to no sympathy to either Callum and/or Rayla was frustrating then and is frustrating now) or just feeling jaded by people writing off their relationship like it isn’t a clear cornerstone of the show, like they aren’t each other’s best friends, but I think both stem from being perpetually bored with people who refuse to engage with the media they consume in full, instead siphoning off favourite characters with bad takes and no compassion for anyone else in the cast, since it’s so diametrically opposed with how I - and I would say at least 70-90% of Rayllum fans - actually engage with TDP and its themes, characters, plot lines. Also: the dismissal reeks of jealousy and entitlement and just a little bit of aphobia, tbh 

Basically:

Be kind to each other and please be kind to me. Learn to self regulate your own emotions. Tag properly. I may be taking a tiny step back from engaging with fandom in favour of focusing on writing the oneshots and projects I want to get out before S4 drops, and may see about regulating my ask box a bit more, but I’ll have to wait and see.

[pcttymcrlecu]

Psssst, it’s me! Your fic exchange writer! I hope you are as excited as I am for your fic! I have a couple quick questions for you so I can get started.

Love the list of players you have! Any chance you could give me a top 3? As a refresher, here is your list of gorgeous men: Andrei Svechnikov, Adrian Kempe, William Nylander, Josh Anderson, Brock Boeser, Pierre-Luc Dubois, Erik Johnson, Anthony Beauvillier, Nico Hischier, Colton Parayko, Mat Barzal, John Marino, Quinn Hughes, Elias Petterson, K'Andre Miller. (Can you see why I need you to narrow it down!? Your taste is excellent.)

Are there any songs or lyrics or quotes you love that you would like to see put into your fic?

If you do Spotify wrapped, what are two songs on there that fit your vibe?

What are the themes that have you kicking your feet? What themes would you be bummed out to receive?

Do you prefer reader-based fics or OC? If so, do you have a name preference?

You will be getting a happy ending! But would you perfect for it to be a full comfort fic, or have some angst to it as well?

hiii!! sorry this is a little late response 🫣 i am super duper excited though!!

I'm going to hide the answers under a read more so as to not bother people!

As a top three, I would probably choose (in no particular order): Andrei Svechnikov (I just adore him more than words can say), I am in my William Nylander era and because John Marino is new to my list this time around, I'll go with him!

Oooh I can definitely offer up some kind of input there but feel free to literally ignore it entirely. I do enjoy the whole vibe of At My Worst by Pink Sweat$ and Kehlani but also love Kodaline's Wherever You Are or these lyrics have recently struck a chord with me recently "I'm not a solider/But I'll fight through our darkest of days/Get on my shoulders/And I'll carry you all of the way" and also "I wanna slow dance in the living room like/We're eighteen at senior prom and grow/Old with someone who makes me feel young"

I don't do Spotify wrapped but I do use apple replay so hopefully that's fine for you as well! For this year: I think my vibe has been either anthemic or angsty so I'll give you one of each ahah - I'm Still Standing by Elton John and Unsteady by X-Ambassadors.

Anything Friends-to-Lovers/Idiots-to-lovers/the whole Requited-Unrequited Love thing gets me giddy all the time. Oh and how could I possibly forget Fake Dating. I'm a true hopeless romantic at heart so honestly if it could fit into the plot of a 90s/early 00s Rom-Com, it'll make my little heart sing. I really dislike miscommunication(in the sense of people not talking to each other - lost in translation/communication is okay). I'm not a big fan of pregancies (I prefer fun aunt/uncle/cousin vibes) but apart from that I'm not going to lie I'm pretty open, so long as it makes sense.

I like both honestly so I'm going to say it's up to you and what you're most comfortable with (I don't want to handcuff you too much) but it you want a firm response just let me know.

If it's 100% a happy ending, I don't mind a little bit of angst thrown in, you know - for character/dynamic development but I also would't be opposed to snuggling up with a cup of cocoa and the most wonderful piece of comfort prose to just destress a little.

I feel like I half answered a lot of your questions but please if anything is unclear and you need more clarification or you just want me to be decisive for once, let me know ☺️

[sordid-corvid]

Hey. You. Answer the following for the OC ask prompts. 4, 5, 6, 8, 16, 19. Both your blorbos. You know the ones.

That is so many questions that I am foaming at the mouth to answer; thank you c':

4. What are 3 of their irrational fears?

Alsaide's most irrational fears are probably fog/mist, and the dark. To get specific, he gets very uneasy when it's dark outside. He has nightmares of being underground, looking out windows in abandoned Underdark cities and it's pitch black. There's a disembodied voice, clear as anything, that mocks him while he searches for a way out. It never gets brighter; the sun never rises here. He never finds the exit. He never escapes the voice. Fog/mist gives him that distant, uncomfortable nostalgia for a time he'd rather forget. For a third fear: he's also very afraid of mind flayers. Any mind readers/controllers. But especially mind flayers.



Tsaresk does not have irrational fears. They are all rational, thank you, have a nice day. But since he has unwittingly osmosis-ed genuine human emotion, he's now afraid of experiencing them for himself. He knows what it's like second-hand, but to actually feel those throes of grief and sorrow? Oh lord is he not ready. He is afraid of the sun, as ilithids are. It's very primal, he can't think, can't do anything other than try to escape it. And it's humiliating, being reduced to that. Aaaand the most irrational, nonsensical fear is that something could happen to take Alsaide away from him. (He shouldn't care. He shouldn't. But...)



5. How affectionate are they? What are their top love languages?

Alsaide is very affectionate! He comes from a huggy, touchy family, and while he knows that not everybody is, and of course he will respect that, he looooves giving hugs. Or just. Physical contact in general. He's too big on permission/consent to just. Go for it though. But by all means, ask! He's also big on acts of service and quality time. Lastly, a big way he shows his love by making a genuine interest to engage with his loved ones' passions. Music buff? He'll pick up a book on theory, or history to better relate. Gardening? Book on horticulture, read cover to cover.



Tsaresk is not affectionate in the slightest. Tolerance is the highest degree of affection he manages 90% of the time and he's allergic to feelings. (He is also a liar, and is affectionate in his own weird way if one knows where to look). He has developed a fondness for physical touch, and, while he never initiates it, is actually very receptive to receiving it. (He likes to be leaned on, and will return a hug. Loosely.) He doesn’t know how to offer comfort, but he’ll linger at the edge of someone's orbit, watching, waiting for an ask he can answer. (Creepy? Perhaps. He’s trying.) And, it’s not really words of affirmation, persay, but sometimes his bluntness is great for re-contextualizing a perspective!

6. On an average day, what can they be found doing after dinner?

Alsaide is a huge weirdo that will relax for a bit and then go work out. Again. Someone stop him. He likes to go for runs and does so often. He’ll get one in either before or after dinner depending on the day, but once he’s actually settling in, he’ll just kind of occupy communal spaces looking for company. He likes to be around other people and just, visit. This is prime time to hear about everybody’s day. He’s a great listener and is very content to do just that. 

During his wind down, after dinner period, Tsaresk is pretty consistently and predictably wherever Alsaide is. Before, observing spending time with Alsaide was his relaxing after-work activity. The dynamic is different now, but he definitely still seeks Alsaide’s company when he’s decompressing. His preferred joint activity is reading, but will chat if that’s what circumstances call for. Can’t often get him to indulge in those runs though. 

8. What will always make them smile? What will always make them cry?

Someone trying to make Alsaide smile has a very good chance at succeeding. Especially Marcel. He appreciates the gesture, if nothing else, and it means a lot to him to have someone invested in cheering him up. He’s prone to being way too in his own head, but is very quick to smile, and appreciates things genuinely with ease despite being such a ruminator. He also cries easily, (it’s fine, it doesn’t embarrass him at all,) but it’s pretty much never from being physically or emotionally wounded. He’ll cry because a song was moving, or because Marcel got him a birthday gift, (or because he’s grieving, or guilty, or remembering). But it’s really hard to hurt his feelings conventionally. 

Feeling superior, having a notable breakthrough, triumphing over someone that’s only marginally less intelligent/skilled, and succeeding all make Tsaresk smile. But a smile of genuine contentment is pretty much reserved for Alsaide. (The circle is widening! Slowly. But it is!) Tsaresk has never cried. He isn’t sure that he can, even with his new… condition. But if something was going to make him cry it’d probably be loss. After he’s had his fit of rage and removed every particle of the cause from planes physical and immaterial and made them wish they had never been a thought, well, that might be the only thing left to do…

16. How do they like their baths/showers? Hot/cold, long/short?

Alsaide likes cold showers! Since he’s a bit of a fitness nut, cooling off after a workout can be absolutely heavenly. It leaves him feeling revitalized and ready to go. It’s like actually waking up. He usually keeps them short. Veeeery occasionally he’ll take a long shower or a bath, and those are always hot, but by the time he gets out it’ll be cold. That’s for when he’s sad or deep in thought. 

Tsaresk loves being damp. He could stay in a bath/shower indefinitely and he ultimately prefers pretty tepid water. Unfortunately however, there are things to do that can’t be done from the tub/shower. He isn’t usually that indulgent, but yes. Loves being wet.

19. What do they wish they knew more about?

Alsaide is actually pretty proactive on that front. If he wants to know more about something he just. Learns. He isn’t at all discouraged by being a beginner, nor is he ashamed of being behind his peers. (For instance, he started learning magic very late, and has never been bothered about not being very good.) That said, there is definitely a point where he wishes he had learned something else. Maybe if he hadn’t been so infatuated with becoming a swordsman things would have turned out different.

The thing Tsaresk wishes he knew more about ties in very nicely with his fear. He’s learned so much about humans and human emotion, so much in fact, he’s acquired some himself. But still. He wants to know more. He is Icarus and he is afraid and he is a fool, and STILL he wants to know more. It’s an addiction as much as it is an obsession and while he knows this will surely consume him, he keeps looking for more. This pursuit has led him to know joy, not just in theory, but to truly know it, to experience it himself. But it also means he will know pain much deeper than skin deep, and it’s terrifying, the depth of it. And still. He wants. God. He is a fool.

[crazyblondelife]

Cheese & Chocolate Pairings for Valentine's Day

Yes, you read that correctly! This post came to me when I was trying to figure out something different to share for Valentine’s Day! I love cheese and I love chocolate…they both make you feel good, so why not put them together! More and more often, I’m seeing a bit of chocolate on a cheese board, but how do you know which chocolate to pair with which cheese? Of course, there is no right or wrong answer, but I did find a few guidelines and they make perfect sense! Keep reading to learn about how to make your own chocolate and cheese board for Valentine’s Day!

What I Learned…

The rule of thumb, according to every website I looked at said to pair chocolate with a cheese that has a similar flavor profile. If a cheese has a nutty flavor, pair it with a chocolate that is more nutty. I’m still not clear if this means chocolate with nuts, but that’s how I took it.

If your cheese is a little funky,, pair it with an exotic chocolate. I’m not sure what that means either, so you can see where the confusion lies. I know about funky cheese, but I’m not sure I’ve ever tasted funky chocolate (or if I want to!).

The one “rule” that I read over and over is to pair a strongly flavored cheese with dark chocolate and that makes perfect sense. So blue cheese, Homboldt Fog, anything strong and slightly stinky goes with a good rich dark chocolate. This is definitely a good pairing according to my taste buds, but taste for yourself to come up with pairings that suit!

Everyone’s taste buds are different, so I say, read the recommendations and then, pair your chocolate and cheese the way you like it. This will take some experimentation and I know that’s going to be hard, but you know, someone’s got to do it! Keep in mind that both chocolate and cheese have a creamy and fatty component so that is what makes them compatible. Scroll further for some basic recommendations and then, make this your own board!

Basic Pairings…

Spreadable fresh goat cheeses pair well with dark chocolate - 70 to 80% cocoa.

Triple Cream Cheeses- runny in the middle…pairs with 80to 90% cocoa or milk chocolate. I don’t care for the milk chocolate because it’s just too rich and not enough contrast, but that’s just a preference!

Washed rind cheeses such as Taleggio pair well with 60 - 80% cocoa.

Dense, nutty cheeses such as Comte, Gruyere, Farmhouse cheddar and aged goudas pair well with 75 - 80% cocoa.

Blue cheeses pair well with 75 - 90T cocoa.

When pairing my chocolate and cheese, for the most part, I went with the like to like pairing because it seemed easy and made sense. I paired spicy cheese with spicy chocolate such as Lindt Excellence Chili Dark Chocolate Bar with spicy gouda. The spiciness of the cheese stands up to the chocolate making it an excellent pairing.

Another pairing I loved was Farmhouse Cheddar paired with Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar and a thick cut truffle potato chip (be careful not to eat the whole bag while you’re putting your board together).

Pair Parmesan cheese with Vosges Parmesan Walnut and Fig Chocolate Bar for a melt in your mouth combination!

Smoked Gouda and smoked cheddar are amazing with dark chocolate with almonds.

Try Bissinger’s Bourbon & Pecan Bar with a Morbier cheese or a Comte! It’s such an amazing flavor combination and don’t forget a few toasted pecans to serve alongside!

I think by now, you’re getting the idea. If it sounds good to you, try it and see. Chances are it’s a good combination!

What I used on my board…

Cheeses

Sequatchie Cove Shakerag Blue, Roth 3 Chili Pepper Gouda, Parmegiano Reggiano, Aged Farmhouse Cheddar, Humboldt Fog, Mimolette (hard orange cheese), Taleggio and I think that’s all.

Chocolate

Dark chocolate sea salt caramels, Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar by Vosges, Chocolate covered peanuts and cashews, Raaka Bourbon ask Aged Unroasted 82% Dark Chocolate (delicious), Manchego and Cherry by Vosges, Lindt Chili Dark Chocolate, Vosges Black Salt Caramel Exotic Chocolate Bar. and Taza Super Dark Chocolate Disc. I wanted to use different textures and flavors so that’s why I used the chocolate covered nuts and the caramels.

Fruits

Fresh Cherries and Red Currents

Marcona Almonds

Crackers

Rainforest Crisp Hazelnut and Chocolate and Almond and Date Crackers, 34 Degrees Crisps Black Pepper Crisps and Kettle Sea Salt and Truffle Potato Chips (these are so delicious)

Spreads

Hot Pepper Jelly, Fig Preserves and Red Hot Pepper Jam (I used what I had that was red)!

For a special Valentine’s Day touch, I sprinkled rose petals over the whole thing!

The day we put all of this together it was very grey and rainy and the pictures are darker that I wanted them to be even after editing! Hopefully you can see them well enough to get a few ideas for your own cheese and chocolate board!

Leave a comment (please) and let me know what you think of this post! Happy Sunday!

[mentaltonki]

Zelotes mouse usb overdrive

ZELOTES MOUSE USB OVERDRIVE DRIVER

ZELOTES MOUSE USB OVERDRIVE FULL

So, I went and got another mouse, and checked to see if that one worked.Īfter confirming that it worked, I disassembled it, but not to the same extent as the last mouse.

ZELOTES MOUSE USB OVERDRIVE DRIVER

After a few hours of trying to figure out if I had a software driver issue, I discovered that the USB interface chip on the board was dead. It was at this point I decided to test my original mouse to make sure everything worked. While hot gluing the encoder and switch to the axle guide, you will want to glue the encoder first, with the wheel slotted correctly in place, and then solder the switch accordingly to ensure proper alignment. I also mounted the scroll wheel encoder and "middle click" switch to the axle guide. Unfortunately I don't have any good pictures for this step, but the principle is simple enough.īasically all I did here was desolder the microswitches and the scroll wheel encoder, and then resolder them with wires so that I can reposition them however I like. Now that we have some parts, we'll move on to do some soldering. Using some Cyanoacrylate glue from BSI (one of the better brands, in my opinion) I then glued each clicker pad to its respective guide so that it actuates exactly as it would were it still attached to a mouse. I ended up with 3 pieces: the left and right finger rests, and the guide for the clicker pads.įrom there, I cut the clicker pad part as well as the corresponding guide neatly in half. The scroll wheel axle guide is best left with a 1/2 centimeter square skirt of plastic around the edges, as seen in the photos.Īfter that, I decided to cut apart the upper section of the mouse. I used an X-acto knife and my snips to cut off all of the curvy edges, with the end goal of obtaining both the optical port (the hole in the base) and the scroll wheel axle guide as separate pieces. Now, you should have several assorted plastic bits. Then, fully disassemble the outer shell of the mouse, so that the clicker pads are separate from the grip/palm rest. While disassembling, keep all of the parts, you will need many of them later.Īfter all the paneling is removed, you will want to identify and remove the circuit board. Usually there are a few obvious ones, and if the mouse was made by any typical company, there's a good chance of there being a couple screws hidden either under the label or under the feet. I suppose that was for the better anyway, because I ended up using the microswitches, paneling, and scroll wheel from the 1st, as I preferred them to the ones in the 2nd mouse.įirst we have to find all of the screws on the bottom of the mouse/mice. I actually used 2 different mice in this project, because I was stupid and forgot to check if the first one worked. I really appreciate all of you that have decided to follow along so far, and I hope to continue to be able to make awesome stuff with your wonderful input, advice, and support. Your voting/favorite-ing/following helps me be successful as a maker, and motivates me to build more awesome projects more often. Read on to build your own, and please, please don't forget to leave a vote in the Colors of the Rainbow contest if you like this project. And that spawned my idea to use the optical sensing system in one of these old mice to read input from a trackball, essentially creating a trackball mouse.

ZELOTES MOUSE USB OVERDRIVE FULL

So, since I have a box full of about 30 old, partially functional mice from back in the days of Windows XP, I decided to hack a few open to see what I could do with them. While my trusty Zelotes T-90 is a nice mouse that I like and will continue to use until it dies, it lacks the versatility afforded by a trackball, i.e. Trackball mice are growing in popularity, but they are still really expensive to buy, especially the ones that incorporate all the features of a normal mouse. I incorporated green LEDs into the design (why not?).It is made out of junk, so it is environmentally friendly.Hello everyone! Today we will be building a Green DIY Trackball mouse from old junk we have lying around.

[omenics]

Your writing is appealing. It's very Lovable considering the weight you put in your words and with your humourous persona. If given the chance I'd like to converse with you to such lengths, it seems as if I can learn from it.

You're very estimable. As such, I'm sure you'd have no problems with my request, atleast I hope you wouldn't. If you do then please tell me beforehand that you're not able to pursue my request.

Savanaclaw, Octavinelle, Scarabia, Riddle, Cater, and Trey relationship hcs with are gender neutral reader who's very intelligent. Knows almost everything, they know various war strategies and languages. Even Morse code, dead languages and sign language. They're over all very strategic but have a very cold personality that closes everyone off. They do so in a very beautiful and elegant manner.

Their significant other of course found this odd until they found out that the reader was actually a war strategist back in their world. Despite being so young, they were talented and the best in all fields.

It's quite a lot though observing and seeing as you like to challenge yourself and push your limits from time to time. Then I hope you wouldn't have a problem.

Thank you for making me come across your writing Chéri

[𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄] 𝐒𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍 , savanaclaw, octavinelle, scarabia, riddle, cater, trey .

› ..essentially [name] is just awesome and cool. gn reader. — oh my goodness gracious tysm?? anyways ignore how this fr took me like a month or two to write… and also pls dont condemn me to hell bc theyre short and i took 90 years to write this. also not proofread

RIDDLE.

he absolutely 100% would be intimidated at first by your personality, and after finding out who you were back in your world would be intimidated once again, or possibly a little bit threatened? if that adds up help WJFIWJFH

but over all he would still be very impressed by everything

i could be wrong, but i feel that in a way he would be a bit relieved while being in a relationship with someone like this? IDK BUT TO ME IT MAKES SENSE

anyways hed think ur a rule follower and if u r great if not hes condemning you to the 9th circle of hell (i forgor the circles tbh) but fr tho hes stressing already

CATER .

either he does not care abt your cold personality or completely ignores it and tries to post u on magicam because youre just so cool and elegant and awesome and hes BOUND to get sm clout <;3

he probably thinks youre cool tho but its like an act but he is proven wrong 😔

he doesnt even realize he likes u until he discovers your life in your own world and then discovers ☹️ and then he immediately tells u <3 we love a confident man

anyways is a little shocked that u ALSO like him but hey youre his little clout gatherer so its okay and you both blow up on magicam and youre all happy <;3

but fr tho that mf is charismatic so yk damn well he didnt make it awkward.. and he probably uses u for assignments smh poor [name] huh cant catch a break

TREY .

man is in love. how can someone be so mysterious and ELEGANT AT THE SAME TIME ???

call you both jamie and claire from outlander bc its love at first sight i guarantee it

aside from that is he also standoffish? no. did i forget his character writing this? perhaps but will i continue? yes.

like youre all perfect. this man bakes for you. he doesnr even know if you like it but what? he bakes stuff anyways because we all know he would

oh and when he finds out what u were? thats okay he probably doesnt mind and thinks its cool (bc it is)

LEONA .

he would not care…. that is a lie hed kinda care

i think i mischaracterize leona but i also havent played twst recently and forgor 😔 so im sorry for not doing him justice leona stans </33

maybe hed even be a little… impressed

like oh this herbivore did that??? wow. also the way this went downhill from riddle just kinda makes me laugh

he wouldnt be intimidated. just acknowledges youre there and thats abt it tbh. at first bro would probably think ur trying to be edgy but when he finds our hes just like. eh. cool ig and goes back to sleeping or whatever tf he was doing

later on like 4 months into your relationship he realizes that youre like a god for the spelldrive tournament and walks in SHAME for not realizing earlier

RUGGIE .

another man who respects u

admires your smarts… but thinks ur fucking weird like why r u all emo [name] 🤨

then he finds out and hes just all smug like oh guess who MY s/o is, probably saying that ‘my s/o can beat ur s/o in a fight’ like this is middle school and a competition on whose dad is stronger 💀💀

to put it simply you are not like the rest of the s/o’s. you are stronger, you are smarter, you are better. you are better!!

JACK .

MAN IS PROUD

i think

but seriously i think he’d be a little intimidated because who wouldnt right but like when he finds out he is proud. supportive bf and literally best twst character 💪💪

he respects your boundaries. he listens if you wanna talk abt your life back in your world bc why? its jack.

get yourself a jack. ive been saying this but imo? he is perfect <;3

AZUL .

another one that would be incredibly impressed, and would absolutely want to get closer sooner :)

i think he’d be intrigued too as to why ur all cold and like smart as hell

he probably has a mission to find out why and sends out jade and floyd to spy on you smh bad bf behaviour azul

again when he finds out bros impressed. probably determined to change you but that wont work bc it simply wouldnt. pick me behaviour fr fr 😕

hes still ur biggest fan. likes to listen like jack either bc hes interested or using some of ur points to plot his enemies downfall

JADE .

he does not bully you because he has DIGNITY unlike SOMEONE

anyways yet another mf who is interested in u bc why r u so cold [name]? and why do u make it look so pretty and elegant and gorgeous and beautiful when ur like that 🤨

he finds out from like azul or smth and then hes like ‘oh okay :) thats cool’ and carried on with his day

and then he sees u more

and then u see him more

and youre both like damn theyre kinda fine

and then u date

and then youre all happy because its jade. and he enjoys listening to what u have to say from your world and what you do in your world :)

so basically youre all just chillin

FLOYD .

bullies you bc youre emo 😕

and then funds out what you were un your home but then still bullies you 😔😔

he would probably think its like a whole defence mechanism but no bro ur just like that

and he then starts thinking u make it look… pretty

and then he takes like 50 billion years to realize and then youre all like somehow together and then he is like the last one to find out what tf you do and hes bummed 😕

but then goes back to normal and doesnt care

KALIM .

bro is FLABBERGASTED

very impressed like ur THAT smart and cool and awesome???? he is your biggest fan and supporter

and yet another guy who simply ignores your cold ass personality because he probably would

maybe not love at first sight but hes just so amazing i love him sm. so basically before u both get into a relationship you are now his scary dog <3 it all takes time tbh and its all very nice and good 💪💪 best one to date tho lets be real

JAMIL .

his first words for bffr. be fuckin for real when he sees you walk in with your cold ass and elegant person

stage one is denial and he refuses to accept that hes fond of you bc youre kinda cool

but he is kinda interested as to why youre like that… and why youre all smart… like wtf were u before you came here

and then he finds out and is, again, flabberghasted

no that much but did not expect that 💀 like damn alr [name] guess youre cooler than he thought

also became fond of you but went back to stage one bc god FORBID he catches feelings 🥺 for u like he would rather die than admit that tbh

and then he accepts it after like 2 months of pure denial and then boom ur dating and are a couple 💀💀

[extremelyblackandwhite]

a year in the life | rockstar! s.s.

pairing: rockstar!sebastian stan x writer!reader

main work: i wanna know what love is

season: autumn 🍁

a/n: in celebration of 4 major works of mine turning one this year (my babies, cannot believe it’s been a year) and based on the reboot of gilmore girls, i will be revisiting my works per season. we are starting with autumn and rockstar!seb. hope you enjoy xx

Y/N laid on the big chez lounge couch in the middle of her living room, surrounded by her children’s toys, with a large bowl of Doritos on her lap as the Real Housewives played on the background. For the very first time since forever, she was alone at home; Jess and Marion were at their respective schools while Sebastian was busy in the studio, doing some rearrangements to a new album. She loved the three of them more than anything but she knew that she would’ve never had the chance to eat Doritos without Sebastian complaining it was unhealthy for her or her children trying to take a bite. Lately, all she wants is to lay low, bask in her leave from work and watch some trashy TV. 

As her eyes were getting heavier and heavier with sleep when the front door opened, sending her back into alert mood. Luckily, it wasn’t no one trying to break in but her husband who still couldn’t open doors without making a big ruckus about it. 

     - I’m sorry, bunny. -  he stepped back as he recognised his wife’s sleepy face. - I thought you’d be in the bedroom. 

     - Can���t move. - she pointed at her bulging bump covered by one of his old jumpers which seemed to be the only thing that fully covered her at this particular stage. Sebastian chuckled, walking over to her to quickly kiss her, hand caressing her bump through the jumper. - Didn’t expect you to be home so early.

      - I can see. - he pointed at the bowl of Doritos on her lap. - You’re supposed to be the prudent one. 

    - I’m carrying your offspring. It makes me make bad decisions. - she teased, cuddling against him as he sat by her side, worn out slightly loose black leather jacket still on. - How are the boys?

    - Fighting about who gets to be godfather this time.

    - Did you tell them my brother is gonna be the godfather?

    - Now, where would the fun be in that, bunny? - he smirked, with that boyish like looks he still managed to remain after all these years. 

    - Stop it. - she leaned towards him to kiss him. 

    - How are you feeling today? - his hand mindlessly rubbed her bump, feeling the little moves of the baby whenever the baby moved. - Little one is a bit feisty today.

    - It’s been like this all of last night. I think I might be closer to labour than we think.

    - Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve driven the kids to school, honey love. 

    - You needed to sleep. - she groaned as she stretched her legs. - Besides, Marion is staying with your mum today so I wanted to spend some time with her before she went. 

    - No kids tonight? - he leaned over to kiss her collarbone. - How long has it been?

    - As long as I’ve been pregnant. - she pushed him away playfully. - Jess is not going. 

    - Why not? Jess loves my mum. Is he sick? Urgh, is the flu going around his class again? We need to put him into a better school, those kids at his school are always s...

    - Seb, stop. - she rolled her eyes, smiling at the same time at how he’d gone from let it be to constant rambling about his children’s wellbeing. - He just wants to be home tonight and he’s been a little sad lately. 

    - You’re sure he’s not sick? Because there’s this private school which tests kids for all those flu things.

    - He’s not sick. He’s just got ... a bit of a lovebug. He got like this when I was last pregnant with Marion. 

    - Well, at least he hasn’t decided that the baby is just not coming. - Sebastian referred to Marion. Their daughter had just decided there was no baby coming around, even after being offered her own bedroom with her own bathroom, just for herself. - I’ll go pick him up, make it a whole thing. Maybe even pass by Al’s ... get you that pasta you really like. 

    - You’re just trying to make me forget that you’re the reason we’re moving houses. 

   - Y/N, this house has always been too small.

   - That’s because you need a whole room for your guitars alone. 

She’d spend the best part of her initial married years trying to convince Sebastian to either get a storage unit to put all his guitars in or to just merge it with his office yet, he’d always come back with an excuse. “Honey love, they need to be displayed”, “Bunny I would just get distracted if they were in my office” he would tell her with his rockstar like charm which she thought was strong enough to resist, yet how can she say no when he immediately shifts from boyish smile to having her pressed against the wall of that very same room, pounding into her as if he was an up and coming rockstar and her his favourite groupie. With the need for that bedroom, their once spacious apartment they bought when she was pregnant with Jess was becoming too small. Normally Y/N would be okay with it but being 8 months pregnant during the fall where it constantly rains in New York, moving seemed like the last thing she’d like to do and just thinking about it made her tired already. After all, she could barely walk to the kitchen without feeling tired or taking a short break in the middle of the path. She thought that after two pregnancies, the third one would be a walk in the park. Turns out it’s more like a run in the park, except the park is on fire and she’s barefoot. 

   - Honey love, asking me to get rid of my guitars is like asking you to get rid of your five copies of Emma.

   - They’re in different languages. - she argued back.

   - They’re different models, besides, we can finally have a guest bedroom. You always wanted a guest bedroom.

   - Sure then maybe my grandfather will come visit more often. How about that? - Sebastian chuckled at her answer. - I’m not joking. You get me pregnant, you get to be annoyed by my grandfather. 

   - You’re acting like this is my fault when you were the one who wore fishnets with a leather skirt. I’m only human. 

   - Fine, 10% my fault, 90% you fault. That’s my final offer.

   - You sure? 

   - Yes. You see, you are a sex maniac who cannot be controlled. 

   - That’s not what you wrote about me. - he smirked. - You said I had more soul than just a sex pot. 

   - Do not quote my own words at me.

   -  You bought my old guitar.

   - Urgh ... - she rolled her eyes. Sebastian grinned, happy he’d won the debate. - Just go make the other mums jealous please.

   - Look at you, using me for my sex appeal only.

   - No. I just really enjoy being the powerful mum. 

   - Yeah? What’s that like?

   - Constant questions about if we do weird sex blood rituals. Then mysterious answers, so they all fear you and don’t force you to attend PTA meetings on date nights. 

   - I gotta say, bunny ... we got this parenting thing covered. 

   - We do.

   - When I come back, you better not have a bowl of Doritos on your belly.

   - I’ll do whatever I want.

   - Sure, bunny, if you walk to the kitchen by yourself ...

   - Low move, Stan. Low.

   - You love me. - he chuckled, grabbing his keys from the trinket dish by the entry door. - See you soon, bunny.

   - Love you. - she scrunched her face in a little smile which he couldn’t help but smile back.

Sebastian liked to pick up Marion and Jess from school. His schedule normally meant Y/N, who had a more 9-5 job, was the one who’d do the drop offs and collections so he’d always meet them at home but whenever he could pick them up, he’d be the first one there. He just loved to see his two babies come out of school in their little uniforms which he incredibly hated when they first enrolled but now couldn’t help but find incredibly adorable. He also loved to see how both his children came out of school. Marion would be the one who’d take the longest, surrounded by all her friends and probably nursing a scrape or two on her knee as if kindergarten 2-3 year old was a big fighting ground while Jess would come out as quickly as he could. 

He parked slightly in front of his son’s school, coming out of the car and leaning against it. The parents’ eyes were immediately on him, maybe it was due to the star power or, most likely, it was because he was wearing a leather jacket, dark shades and his neck tattoo could be seen peaking out the collar of his jacket. His shoes crinkled the fallen leaves on the floor, avoiding those looks as he waited for his son. He knew who he was and he was not going to change it because he became a father, he is a good father, he knows that. The bell rang and a swarm of children came rushing out of the school, and they say birth rates are low. He took his sunglasses off, trying to pin point his son in the middle of all different aged children. 

   -  DAD! - he turned his head to the memorable voice, crutching down as he son rushed to him. Jess wrapped his arms around his father, little childish giggles as Sebastian pulled him off the floor.

   - Hey, buddy. How was school?

   - We did hand turkeys.

   - Hand turkeys? No way, that’s so cool. - he opened up the car’s passenger’s seat, sticking around to check if he fastened his seatbelt correctly before taking the driver’s seat. - It’s just gonna be us three today, bud. You, me and mummy. We getting Al’s and some ice cream. 

   - Why didn’t mummy come?

   - Mummy is very tired, buddy. The baby is kicking a lot, won’t let the baby sleep.

   - Oh ...  - Sebastian saw his son’s face grow sadder.

   - What do you want from Al’s, bud? You can get whatever you want.

   - Really?

   - Yeah.

The little restaurant had soon become a staple in their family life. Sebastian had. discovered by accident after accidentally burning dinner for Y/N’s. He wasn’t already too popular with Y/N’s family so he knew he had to fix it and there it was, the small little restaurant filled with delicious food. Now, it was just a Friday night tradition yet today was special, almost nostalgic to when Y/N, Sebastian and Jess had their first home. Back when Y/N and him were new parents and would trip on every toy in the apartment. God, those were the days. 

  - Dad? - Jess pulled at his sleeve while the two were waiting in the queue. 

  - Yeah, bud? - Sebastian picked him up, already understanding the signs of whenever he wanted to be held. 

  - I ... The baby’s not coming for a while, right? 

  - Why, Jessie? What did Marion say?

  - She didn’t say anything ... uhm, it’s gonna be three of us now. 

  - Yeah. We’re gonna get a new big place, we can even get a dog or a cat. You always wanted a cat, didn’t you? 

  - But, now I’m third.

  - What do you mean? - Sebastian furrowed his brows at the comment.

  - Well, when Marion was a baby you and mummy were always with her but she’s still a baby and now there’s a new baby, so I’m gonna be third. - Sebastian’s heart broke at that comment. Now it made sense. - And ... you’re not home a lot and mummy is gonna be busy with the baby.

  - Hey, you’re not third. - he rubbed his son’s back, kissing the side of his head, soothing him to the best of his ability. - You want me to be home more?

  - No, daddy ... you like doing music. 

  - Hm ... how about you come to the studio with me when you don’t have school?

  - Really? But you said I’m too little. 

  - Well, you’re gonna be a big brother again, I think it’s time.

  - Really?

  - Yeah. - he smiled him, his smile reflecting back at him. 

  - Faye. 

  - What?

  - We should name the baby Faye. 

  - Faye? You want your baby sister to be named Faye?

  - Yes.

  - Well ... Faye it is.

[absolutebl]

Why does every relationship in the HIStory series have to be a bit weird?? I just want to watch my BL and be happy that Taiwan has legalised gay marriage. I don’t want to think about the 12-year-age-gap, stepbrothers, VERY DUBIOUS consent relationship that is happening. How hard is it to write an at least semi-healthy relationship? 😭😭 Like, come on, if UWMA can get 90% of the way there without even trying, you can do a little bit of work.

Oh that’s an easy one. 

1. Country Connections

Taiwanese BL owes its narrative heritage to EXACTLY what you would expect: a combination of early Japanese live action yaoi and Chinese BL pre 2016. Dark troubling narratives full of dubious consent (well, rape) and obsession (to the point of kidnapping), also forget stepbrothers, they went straight into incest. Well, not straight. 

You know what I mean. It could be A LOT worse given the history of BL in the two countries most culturally impacting Taiwan. 

Thailand doesn’t have the same heritage. It’s BL comes from its own Y-novels (which were informed by yaoi but not as much as you’d think). It’s actually one of the BL industries most removed from the yaoi roots - and associated tropes. Also it’s produced so many BLs for so long now, it’s shifted away from what weak connections it did have even further. It’s had time and bandwidth to do so. 

Frankly I’m really grateful Taiwan gives us happy endings at all. We could be in for A LOT more HIStory 3: The BL That Shall Not Be Named. By rights we should still be getting darker stuff from them, given how young and small their BL industry is. 

They pretty much did a primitive streak on their BL evolution, and are way ahead of anything we’ve any right to expect. I certainly didn’t anticipate gems like We Best Love and Be Love In House: I Do, not to mention Papa & Daddy in one year. I mean I HOPED for them. But I thought it’d be a couple more years of HIStory 4′esk mindfucks first. 

2. Size & Writer Pool 

Of all the BL industries we talk about, Taiwan is the smallest. They have 22 BLs total. TOTAL. Thailand produced that number LAST YEAR alone. So give ‘em a chance to grow up a bit, they’ll get there. 

Also Taiwan doesn’t adapt from novels or mangas, not much anyway. Because they are TINY, they don’t have a yaoi or y-novel industry to pull from, and they don’t have the money to option from Japan’s vast array of offerings (sadly). So it means story is always going to be their weakest element. An industry low on writer talent falls quickly back into old-fashioned tropes. 

3. Taste 

Taiwan has a queer axe to grind and we love that but they combine it with a very specific story taste that is pretty old school so far as certain tropes are concerned, even as they let go of others under the weight of queer reality and at least our boys end up together 70% of the time.

Japan is likely to go a little dark and a little kinky with their romances (or really dark and/or really kinky). 

Korea is likely to go the purity root with slow burn low heat. 

Thailand is likely to beat the dead horse of strongly heterosexualized seme/uke even into something as enlightened as Lovely Writer. 

It’s many things, but also taste. Like popular music. Or what’s considered fashionable. 

Romance is about taste. Het or BL or truly queer. Cultural taste on screen is a reflection of what we find socially acceptable as masculine and feminine, as gay and straight, as romantic and sexy. In a drama we push those boundaries to make the narrative more exciting and edgy. There’s always going to be a slight test to see “what can we get away with?” Thailand likes to do this with trans characters, evil female archetypes, and punching down humor. Taiwan likes to push taboo (so does Japan), it’s their thing. 

As watchers sometimes we react better or worse to certain tropes, or categories of tropes. I happen to be deeply mad at Devil Judge right now because Korea is doing the pre-Feminist classic “strong & powerful women must be either hyper sexualized seductresses or bad mothers” and in both cases = evil. On the other hand, I don’t mind age gaps or stepbrothers. Age gaps I find kinda hot, to be honest, it’s the only het romance I regularly consume. 

All of which is to say, yeah the HIStory franchise is whackadoddle but ho boy is it hot about it. Or at the very least... to my taste. 

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

being honest i dont get jm using a award to say he misses tannie... we don’t know 90% of their lives but they are very close to the point of still sleeping together sometimes. and going deep if they were really a couple jm woudnt miss taes dog right? and even as friends he could visit it. unless its because of their schedule right... this kind of comment sometimes confuses me and haters will use it as “they arent close” lol. i just wanted to know your pov.

Judging by Admin 2's reaction, as well as some others in our asks, I have a feeling I was the only one with a more realistic expectation, or lack of expectations, as I waited for the BTS profiles to be posted. Based on last year's, I knew expecting something grand out of Tae, and especially Jimin, would just be me setting myself up for failure, which is what I think happened here.

But, let's discuss it.

I spent a solid couple of hours making an excel table last night that contains everything every member said about every member (sourcing 3 translators for maximum insight) to see if really what Jimin chose for Tae is so "bad" that suddenly people are sending us asks like this one, and another one I'll add later down the line. And the conclusion I've come to is that...what he gave to Tae, as well as Hobi and Seokjin, as awards are the only ones that have any actual emotional/personal connection to them.

With Namjoon and JK Jimin basically states the obvious--Namjoon is tall and JK has gained muscle mass, meaning nothing new or with a proper emotional connection was stated; to Yoongi he made the same request many other members have made, so a work connection, nothing inherently personal.

Now, compared to that--Seokjin teases him/them, which isn't new info, so Jimin asked him to stop or do it less, a valid request which I'm sure he also voiced to Seokjin outside of this FESTA profile and also shows a degree of personal connection; Hobi gets requested to not walk away after asking Jimin a question, which again shows a personal connection and that it's a reoccurring thing; and lastly Tae with Tannie.

Something I've noticed is that some ARMY, who are used to our western celebrities and draw conclusions about idols based on those parameters, forget that BTS are busy, like whatever you consider busy, take that and multiply it by ten. During his vlive with Hobi and Yoongi back in April, Tae said that they are much busier and their lives far more hectic than any of us realize. Taking that into account, and the fact that one of the members (I think it might have been Seokjin) mentioned they work at least ten hours a day for 360 days a year with practice, MV and CF filming, photoshoots, interviews, recording and working on music, meetings, and many other things we have no idea about, do you really think Yeontan lives with Tae full time? A dog needs to get walked and fed but if Tae is out of the house every day for at least ten hours, what would happen to Tannie? He'd just sit around at home alone all day which just isn't fair, so I'm sure Tannie lives with Tae's parents much the same way Micky lives with Hobi's parents and/or his sister, JKs dog lives with his family, Holly lives with Yoongi’s brother, Moni with Namjoon's, and years ago Seokjin had to give his sugar gliders to his parents because he was too busy to take care of them.

Based on that of that, I'm not sure how often Tae get's to see Tannie. Probably not all that often, to be honest. So, if Tannie's owner doesn't get to see him often, I'd assume Jimin gets to see him even less (if we work on the assumption that Tannie lives with Tae's parents and thus Tae could only really see him when visiting them or when they visit him, that means Jimin wouldn't be able to see Tannie just like that either, since that would be like intruding on family time, right?). And we know Jimin loves Tannie, so him using that award to say he misses him and is asking about him shows care and an emotional connection to Tannie. Do I think Jimin also asks Tae privately about Tannie? Absolutely. And still, while Jimin didn't give Tae the, I don't know, "hot body Award" like Yoongi did with Namjoon or the "person I love most in the world award" (which we should know by now would never happen, and if you expected something of that intensity level, than I'm sorry but you've set yourself up for disappointment from the start), he still drew a personal and emotional connection between himself and Tae, as well as the pet Tae loves dearly.

More below the cut:

Jimin could’ve asked about the other pets of the members, but he didn’t, he only ever really talked about Tannie, and here he does it again, so doesn’t that show that he has a bond with him, a closer one than the other members since they don’t/didn’t ask about him (except for Hobi that one time on weverse)?

Speaking of Hobi, am I the only one who finds it interesting and cute that he only drew little hearts for Jimin and Tae when writing down their awards?

Also, we have to remember that these profiles are for us, fan content (remember when Jimin asked Tae last year to post more pictures of Tannie on weverse because ARMY miss seeing him, so what if this is drawing a connection/parallel to that?), and not meant as the members “confessing” something to each other that they otherwise wouldn’t or don’t have the chance to do so. It’s not meant to be all that serious and instead just be fun and nice for us to read, show us a bit of their dynamic and that’s it, no world shattering revelations to be found, from any of them. Or do you really think Yoongi doesn’t like Jimin just because he told Jimin he’s trying too hard to be funny? It’s just part of their dynamic. Or that none of the members have anything else to say to JK besides commenting on his body/appearance? As for vmin, I’d like to remind us of this moment from their Friends subunit interview for FESTA 2020:

Whatever Jimin and Tae want to say to each other, they don’t need FESTA to do it, or us to be there as witnesses. Like Tae didn’t already say enough by telling us that 95z is love. Or Jimin by writing Friends.

From anon: because of you I came back da Namjin. I am a senior army and 2 years ago I left Namjin because I thought they broke up. You made me three Vmin but after what JK wrote about Jimin and after Jm himself about his chances I think that vmin are not together or Jimin withdrew. I think Jk would not dare to write about Jm that he has cute fingers etc if vmin were a relationship. it goes too far and confuses Jk too much. I don't want to say that J / k*ok is real because it certainly isn't !!!!

Now this is where I just sit and sigh heavily because it’s exactly what I expected and I will admit it irks me to no end. Let’s establish a little timeline:

Based on the FESTA Mission! BTS 4 Cuts Teaser that was posted earlier we can deduce that at least part of FESTA was already being prepared back in the first half of March, since on March 12th Jimin, Namjoon and Seokjin had their salad making vlive. Let’s suppose that everything FESTA related was prepared and written out by the members around that time as well. Sometime later BTS filmed YOU QUIZ followed by LET’S BTS and BTSxGame Caterers and everything else we’ve seen after that.

Or going a little further back to sometime in November 2020 while they were preparing for MMA 2020 and the Black Swan performance. We got the practice video today and if you pay attention to Jimin and Tae even there you notice that while Tae is waiting for his turn in the choreography, Jimin runs past him after his part is done (0:55) and they pat each other or do a “high five” or something along those lines as a way to cheer each other on. A very “we’re broken up” or “I will break up with him soon” thing to do, right? Or in min-January when Tae posted seven pictures out of which three were of just Jimin after an ARMY on weverse asked if anyone had any nice pictures they could use as wallpaper for their phone. Between all that I’m having a hard time honestly finding any moment where either of them seemed sad or “cold” toward the other the way you would be and feel if the person you love pulled away from you or broke up with you.

If you are still unconvinced and still think that is what Jimin tried to communicate to us, would Tae really have gone on national TV and said he likes Jimin the most? And would Jimin have agreed that he likes him a lot as well? Or looking at the making video of their Kloud Beer CF that was posted today as well, would Jimin really be looking and interacting with Tae this way if he decided to end things between them?

Also, going back a little, your mention of Jimin reflecting upon opportunities/chances now that it’s a new year. My question is based on what you made the judgment that this comment has to be about vmin and not about something entirely different in Jimin’s life, or maybe something connected to BTS as a whole? Just because of him asking Tae about Tannie? Jimin, as well as Tae and the other members, have entire lives outside of just their bonds with each other, entire careers, passion projects, families, friend groups, and that little bit of time they have to themselves, so immediately thinking Jimin’s comment must be related to his relationship/bond with Tae basically makes it seem like Jimin’s life is a romcom or a TV show in which the only thing that matters is if the main character will date or remain in a relationship with character B or not, but life isn’t like that.

Personally it reminded me of something Tae said during their Bring the Soul documentary about how BTS had the opportunities to go higher faster but they decided against them. Perhaps Jimin’s comment was about something like this as well, especially since we know Jimin is a very private person and very selective of the personal things he shares with us and the ones he doesn’t.

For the FESTA profile JK decided to give Jimin the “Cute Award” with the explanation that his “Face, height, fingers are cute” which, honestly, is just saying something that a) is true and b) has been said in millions of ways by every member across the last couple of years. I don’t see what the issue here is? During one of the episodes of BTSxGame Caterers Seokjin said that Jimin is very cute and that he has a small, beautiful face, so really he even added the word beautiful in there, which JK did not, so what really is the issue here? The fact its JK, right, that’s where the issue lies, to which I ask why? On this blog we’ve already established that there is (in our opinion and based on everything we’ve seen and heard) no romantic connection between JK and Jimin (nor Tae), not now and not in the past either, so why is him saying that Jimin is cute (which he is known for even by people outside of ARMY, or like James Cordon calling him his cute baby mochi) is an issue but Seokjin or any other member is not? Either we use the same measurements for everyone or we don’t compare or make such assumptions about any of them.

What I find curious, because this does make it seem like you, anon, are someone influenced by J*k*ok shippers and their opinions, see an issue in JK saying that about Jimin, and how that’s “proof” that Jimin and Tae can’t possibly be together, and yet you took no issue to Namjoon basically saying he wants to give Tae an award because he is so handsome he is above every list or Yoongi comparing him to Michelangelo's David, both of these being much more superlative and grand complements/awards than JK saying Jimin’s face, height and fingers are cute.

It’s funny how things that Jimin and Tae have said about and to each other that make their bond very clear (I want to live with my lovely Taehyungie forever or here is my love for you while handing Tae a bunch of red heart balloons or 95z is love, a statement I’m sure he wouldn’t post if that sentiment weren’t mutual) are all questioned or ignored, but something as basically trivial as a comment about Jimin being cute is turned into a major issue. The mental gymnastics is fascinating.

Lastly, going back to the first anon and their mention of how haters will use Jimin’s Award for Tae as “proof” that they “aren’t close anymore”--why do we care? Like Namjoon said in the Mic Drop lyrics Haters gon’ hate. They will say a lot of things about a lot of things and even make things up if they feel like it to push their agenda, so really, regardless of what Jimin would’ve said, or not said, they would’ve found a way to twist it and make it fit their narrative. Besides, what haters think has no actual effect or bearing on what Tae and Jimin have with each other, and neither does what other shippers claim. Haters and other shippers don’t control the narrative, BTS do, and everything Jimin and Tae have shown us in 2021, as well as the last eight years, shows me that their bond has only ever grown stronger and closer and more beautiful and awe inspiring, even while haters claimed they stopped being friends years ago, so why should you or I care what they think?

Like Yoongi once said in one of his vlives about how haters can write all they want, he won’t read it while they will get sued.

[milktyama]

— ☕︎ IF BY CHANCE

a/n: here are the imagines that anon gave me and gave me permission to expand with my own accord!! thank you anon i love this idea (and also added the song to my playlist thank you for that) ALSO longest work ever done!

— heavy reference to if by chance by ruth b.

synopsis: "if by chance... could you forgive me?"

pairing: 3rd year/adult!kageyama tobio x reader

genre: fluff to angst, hurt little comfort, in spain w/o the s

wc: 2.3k

thank you @kohi-zeri @snoozless for beta-ing! <3

❥︎ two swear words, most obvious n smallest manga spoiler

People like to emphasize how high school will be the greatest and the wildest years of your life. And a major part of high school is exploring first loves and small infatuations. High school love is so innocent and light-hearted and sometimes awkward, but that is what makes it so charming.

That is exactly how it felt being with Kageyama Tobio after meeting him in your final year of high school. Shy confessions were exchanged on the daily, pinkies linked as the main source of public affection, anything more flustering both of your young selves. 

You always thought that meeting your high school sweetheart in your last year was a sign of bad luck. It was way too late for any deep love to actually develop. It would almost feel forced or fleeting, the connection not having enough time to harvest and bloom.

Though, being with him proved that wrong. 

Having him in your life was a blessing from the moment you first encountered him on a rainy spring evening during your way home. You would’ve never expected that that day to become as significant to you back then as it does now. 

A small irregularity of Kageyama Tobio forgetting his umbrella when the weather forecast had explicitly predicted a 90% chance of raining during the evening. That night, you thought to yourself that he was  counting on the 10% chance that it wouldn’t rain, when in reality it was simply the fact that he did not check the weather forecast daily. 

Pft. You would think that being a senior in high school would mean taking up a little more responsibility, but that wasn’t the case with him. His mind still ran on the adrenaline and excitement of volleyball and volleyball alone. 

You saw him attempting to take shelter under a cherry blossom tree in the nearby park. The droplets of the rain reflected the sunlight as they landed on the light pink petals of the tree, giving it a warm and peaceful glow. 

Kageyama’s hair and clothes were damp from the minimal protection he had against the pouring rain. If you had not approached him that night and offered to share your umbrella, nothing would have happened between the two of you. 

You two would have remained as casual classmates, having small insignificant encounters that could be easily looked over: being assigned clean up duty together, collecting tests from people in your row — simple things that no one would ever think twice about. This encounter alone could have easily been part of the list of insignificant encounters… it was just a classmate looking out for another classmate right? 

But the warm kindness you showed him on that cold, rainy night had somehow reached Kageyama’s heart. What he at first thought was a mere act of kindness towards a classmate had sprouted into something a little bit more.

After that night, Kageyama found himself looking in your direction more often. His bright blueberry eyes would wander towards your figure who sat a few desks in front of him. You never caught him staring during class, but his presence was more than enough to burn through the back of your head. 

It seemed his not-so-subtle glances have rubbed off onto you because you would find your eyes starting to linger on him as well. His tall and lean figure captivated you. His raven hair, his blue eyes, his indifferent voice, and infamous “resting bitch face” were triggers your brain could not miss.

The more the days pass with your attention captivated by this man, the more you realize your feelings towards him. It was a rocky but surprisingly short journey, with both parties who faced difficulties with expressing their feelings to the other, but everything eventually fell into place, leaving it up to fate to bring both of your yearning souls together. 

And oh boy did fate put a strong magnetism between the two of you.

You fell in love with Kageyama Tobio through and through. Sure, it was a little awkward at first, with stiff movements and a sprinkle of miscommunication, but after speaking your hearts out, it became clear: you were in love with him just as much as he was in love with you. 

At least that is how it seemed. 

Even after sharing light kisses under the cherry blossom tree where you met for the first time, your hands held in his rough ones, surrounded by the smell in his clothes that you borrowed from his closet. Or passing small notes to each other during class and sleepless nights when you tried to tutor him in classes he lacked on. Or shouting from the top of your lungs whenever you attended any of his games while sporting his spare jersey. 

All these memories seemingly came crashing down a week before your graduation. 

Your ears rang after he utters a short phrase that had enough power to crash your world, enough power to make you feel as if everything you’ve done the past year had been a waste, enough power to leave you on your knees, helplessly clutching your chest as the pain starts to spread throughout your body. 

“I’m sorry. But… I think I’m in love with someone else.”

He continued to ramble endlessly. Maybe it was more apologies, or maybe he was reasoning what he’d been doing with you this past year. Maybe he was word vomiting in order to make this impact on you less heavy. Whatever it had been, you couldn’t hear it. You lost your grasp of your senses the second those words had reached your ears.

How did you not notice this? How could you not see how his glances towards you became less frequent, how his kisses grew more reluctant, how he wouldn’t reach for your hand first, how his eyes didn’t sparkle for you? You only now realized that he fell out of love. Or maybe he loved someone else all along? Or maybe you were just a game to him? You didn’t even want to consider the latter.

Your sight was blurring with tears that you desperately tried to keep in, but they had already fallen helplessly down your face. You didn’t even notice that Kageyama was no longer in front of you. 

When you finally  composed yourself, you could see his retreating figure in the distance with someone else at his side. They weren’t hugging or holding hands or kissing or anything of that sort. But watching the person you thought you could love for the rest of your life walk away with someone else was just too much for your poor heart to bear. 

It has been exactly 4 years since. You  graduated from university and did some intern work during your summers to distract yourself. You truly believed that you have finally picked yourself up and moved one. It was only after seeing him on TV, seeing that he had achieved his dream of going pro, that all the emotions came rushing back. 

You still loved him. You always have and never stopped. Your love for him was so great, so powerful, so unconditional that it never left your system, even after being broken in one of the worst ways possible. 

Maybe if he had loved you then you would still be by his side, cheering him on.  

He reached out to you a few months after your break up. With your wound still fresh, you had truly believed he called to get back together, only to get your hopes crushed. Well, not completely, at least. He called  to apologize again, figuring that back in high school you — actually, both of you — had been too emotionally distressed to properly deal with the situation. 

It was a very short call, 5 minutes at most. His apology was simple and to the point, but that was how he was. He swore he was sorry for ending things the way they did, and ended the call with a promise. He promised to never hurt you again. 

Although his heart may or may not have not been occupied by someone else during your time together, he still found comfort and familiarity when he was with you. Before he could hang up, you too apologized for how you reacted and dealt with the situation, swearing the same promise.

But that promise proved  harder to keep than you had thought. 

You encountered Kageyama once again, but this time he was with someone else. He seemed happy. It was hard to believe that even after all these years, your heart still beat for Kageyama Tobio. It hurt your heart to see him smile for someone else, knowing those smiles used to be for you. It hurt your heart to know that you were no longer the reason for his smiles being so wide, so genuine. 

You wondered if  he still recalled the memories the two of you shared. If he still sang along to the song  you two spent weeks choosing and claimed as “your song” or if he skipped it. If he still reacted to advertisements that featured your favorite lip balm, the one he loved tasting on your lips whenever you kissed. If he remembered the future plans you talked about, where the two of you would live in a comfortable apartment and how the interior would be decorated; how you would spend nights dancing around the living room. 

Either way, you were no longer part of his life. He had found someone else to dedicate his heart to. As if to confirm the dilemma that has plagued you for so long, Kageyama leaned into a kiss to the forehead of his partner, smiling as he pulled away whilst leaning his head onto his partner. 

Tears brimmed in the corners of your eyes. You ran, allowing your body to take you wherever it pleased, hot tears falling helplessly from your eyes continuously. 

So much for keeping a promise. 

Your feet finally stopped, tired, your eyes worn out from crying. You slowly took in your surroundings as you felt the warm breeze of a spring evening, soft petals tickling your sensitive skin. It was quite obvious where your heart belonged. 

You found yourself under the tree where you first met him. Where you two would often sit and exchange fleeting kisses or a small treat, feeding each other with fond eyes. The wind blew past you as the petals from the cherry blossom tree slowly fell, surrounding you in a cozy ambiance that left a bittersweet taste in your mouth. 

As your legs finally gave up at the memory that came rushing into your head, you heard footsteps that sounded like they were approaching your way. A piece of light blue cloth neatly folded entered your line of vision. Your eyes shot up to the tall figure that was now towering over you. His body faced you, however his eyes did not meet yours. 

You hesitated before slowly reaching out for the handkerchief in his hand,  avoiding his eyes as well. 

“I’m sorry…” was all that came out from his lips. There was a moment of silence, disrupted every now and then by a couple of sniffles. Kageyama tried speaking again. 

“I’m sorry for hurting you again, even after I promised you I wouldn’t.” 

“It’s fine…” you managed to choke out, voice slightly cracking. You thought you sounded pathetic. You two broke up four years ago, for fuck’s sake! A lump formed in your throat again, a mix of the remains of old memories and your own consciousness trying to bring some sense into your pained heart. 

“If by chance… could you forgive me? For breaking the promise I mean,” Kageyama asked. His words were gentle and soft, maybe a little sweet like honey, attempting to cover up any harshness. It was clear he did not want to hurt you for any longer. His blueberry eyes that you missed so much had a small sparkle to them. You wondered what that sparkle meant. 

Was it because he still loved you? Did he miss you the way you missed him? Or maybe he only felt pity for you. Maybe he was hoping for something more. What could he be possibly hopeful for? Your forgiveness? It wasn’t like you were mad at him. Afterall, it was your own fault for falling so deeply in love with him. As painful and bitter as it was, you tried your best to pull your lips upwards.

It was the saddest smile he had ever seen. 

Voices in your head screamed at the pain you felt in your heart, but your head reasoned that this was not his fault. You had to let go, once and for all. 

“Of course I forgive you.” 

The words vibrated through your skull. Your head forgave him, your self-conscious told your heart to forgive him, but in the end, it wouldn’t succumb to logic so easily. You thought with your heart rather than your head, and you absolutely hated it. You broke too easily and gave in to the way your heart beated instead of the words that were trying to break through your thick skull. 

The sun sets, warm yellow tones of the fleeting rays of sunlight shone upon the pale pink petals of the cherry blossom tree. The petals turned into a light orange colour as they fell ever so elegantly from the branches above you, surrounding your figure on the ground.

You clutched your knees to your body as you watched his figure stray from you, slowly getting further and further away. Memories from the first time you met under this same tree flooded into your head as a single tear droplet slid down your right cheek.

You felt a lump at the back of your throat. It was an awfully bitter yet mildly sweet feeling. You didn’t mean to be selfish with your feelings towards Kageyama, but if by chance, things didn’t work out with his current partner, then maybe, just maybe, he could be part of your world again.

[swordlesbean]

rewatching the first 3 eps is kinda frustrating at how much Adora does NOT think about Catra covering for her not even once while she's playing around in beds, plays pinata, eats good food etc, she's gone for days and like Catra says later didn't even think she was taking the fall for her damn. and didn't even spare a glance at Catra while celebrating with her new driends at selinas

This is actually something I've wanted to talk about for a long time, so thanks for giving me an excuse to finally do it! I think when people are annoyed with Adora for supposedly not thinking about Catra in early s1, they aren't giving full consideration to Adora's perspective during that time period. She's, uh... dealing with a lot, to say the least. There's been a fair amount of analysis about Catra's perspective during this time, but not nearly as much about Adora's. I will try to remedy that here, in my typically long-winded way.

Let's take it from the beginning. Adora touches a mysterious sword in the woods that gives her visions and makes her black out. She’s still having these visions and hearing voices when she’s back home, so she sneaks out at night to find the sword again because she wants answers. Reasonable. She plans to be back by morning, but she asks Catra to stay behind because she doesn't want Catra getting in trouble on her behalf in case something goes wrong. Also reasonable. Boom, nothing goes according to her plan, and everything goes wrong.

Adora finds the sword, but runs into Rebellion soldiers. She tries to fight them for the sword, but when she touches it, she has another vision and blacks out again. She wakes up with her hands tied, a prisoner. She bides her time instead of trying to escape because she still wants the sword. During this time, she's told information that conflicts with what she knows about the Horde, and oh yeah, she somehow randomly transforms into an 8-foot-tall legendary warrior princess. Then she and her captors get chased by a giant spider to an abandoned temple, which she’s able to open because she can apparently read a long-dead language, but then they’re trapped in the ruins.

Once they get out, she’s no longer being held captive, so she can now go back to the Horde. But she needs answers and decides to go to Bright Moon so someone can give her an explanation for all this crazy shit happening to her. At this point, is she thinking about Catra and what might be happening back home? No. But frankly, there is a lot on her plate! Like, life changing stuff. She can turn into a princess! But princesses are evil and the enemy! But this angry sparkly princess and nice archer guy are saying the Horde are actually the bad guys? What is going on? What is she?

Adora still intends to go back to the Horde, but she feels she can't do that until she gets more intel about what happening to her and what it means. She’s always wanted to know more about where she came from. This may be her only chance. And even though her overprotective streak sometimes makes Catra think she feels otherwise, Adora absolutely believes in Catra and knows she's smart and resourceful and can handle herself, so it doesn't occur to Adora that there's reason to worry.

Then Thaymor happens. They stop there for transportation, but Bow insists they stay for the party because he realizes Adora's life has been utterly depressing, and he wants her to experience something nice. I think it's pretty harsh to hold it against Adora that she gets excited and awed and distracted by encountering a party and eating good food for the very first time in her life ever. Can the girl please be allowed to live a little? Like, she's an anxious, guilt-ridden, duty-burdened mess 90% of the time, so let's maybe not blame her for having a good time for once.

That good time is pretty quickly ruined anyway. Reality ensues. The Horde ensues. Catra ensues. But even as Thaymor is attacked, Adora thinks it's a mistake. It's bad intel; she just has to explain, and the Horde will stop. It's only when she comes face to face with Catra that she understands the truth about the Horde and makes her decision to leave. Let’s be clear on this: Adora doesn't just leave the Horde without any consideration for Catra. Catra isn’t an afterthought here, she is literally standing right in front of Adora when Adora makes her decision.

Thaymor from Adora's perspective is finding out that her whole life has been a lie and that she doesn't know her best friend as well as she thought. What Adora sees is Catra being part of an attack on defenseless people and seeming to have zero concern or regret about it. What she perceives is Catra refusing to join the good guys and choosing to remain part of a lying, destructive army despite the truth of a burning village in front of them. What she feels is Catra disregarding her decision to leave and tasing her in the back as she tries to walk away.

It's important to remember that in this moment, Adora feels betrayed by Catra as much as Catra feels betrayed by Adora. People always talk about Adora breaking their promise by choosing to leave, but Catra breaks it too by choosing to stay. They both make decisions that hurt the other, and they both feel abandoned.

So that's what Adora is carrying with her in regards to Catra in early s1. She's internalized this betrayal, these hurt feelings, but she's also really trying not to let herself feel any of it. Not just because it hurts, but because it’s what she’s been taught to do. She’s well-practiced in denying herself, denying her pain and her wants and needs. This trait of hers is given specific attention in s5, but it's a necessary lens to view Adora through in every season. She won't ever put herself and her feelings first. She doesn't think she's allowed to be weak, to feel hurt and express that hurt, not when more important things are at stake. Shadow Weaver always said her feelings for Catra were a problem, and for the first time, Adora agrees, so she tries not to feel them.

She can also avoid thinking about Catra because she has so much to distract her. Catra is still in the Horde, surrounded by reminders of Adora, so it's impossible for her not to think of Adora. But Adora's situation is different. She's in a new environment, suddenly overwhelmed by a huge destiny and all these new experiences and stimuli and social dynamics she has never experienced in her life. So she puts all of her attention into learning the rules and expectations of this new life. She hyperfocuses on her duty as She-Ra.

That doesn't mean there aren't reminders of the past. Adora doesn't feel comfortable sleeping alone, and the clear implication is that she can't sleep without Catra. She isn't "playing around in beds," she just has no idea what to make of a soft bed because she's used to austere conditions. And she's certainly not able to forget what the Horde represents to the people she's now living with. She gets run out of Bright Moon because of the Horde symbol on her back, and she receives a thinly veiled threat from Angella in front of Micah's portrait. She doesn't feel secure in her place in the Rebellion, so she's definitely not going to talk about missing anything or anyone from the Horde, however much of it she actually lets herself feel.

Salineas is the first time Adora encounters Catra after Thaymor, and the wounds from that confrontation are still fresh. She asked Catra to come with her then, but all it got her was a taser to the back, so she's not feeling too charitable towards Catra and isn't keen on reaching out again. She's completely in She-Ra duty mode, trying to restore the Sea Gate to protect the kingdom from the Horde. But then, Catra isn't making real efforts to try and bridge the gap between them either. In fact, from Adora’s perspective, she appears to be perfectly happy widening it. 

While Adora is fixing the gate, she’s getting hit with electric feedback and also can't risk moving or fighting back, but that doesn’t stop Catra from lashing out at her. Catra mocks, scratches, punches. Even when she softens up a bit, she talks like Adora is just going through a phase. She's trying to convince Adora to come back to the Horde, but in the same way Adora wasn’t thinking about what Catra might face by covering for her while she was away, Catra’s not thinking about what it would actually mean for Adora to come back, the terrible consequences she would face as a defector.

Adora knows she can’t go back to the Horde, not just because of her morals, but also because it’s too late to do so without something bad happening to her. So she wonders, if Catra cares about her, why would she want to bring her back to that? If Catra cares about her, why won’t she just leave the Horde and come with Adora? Adora can't see into Catra's mind, so she doesn't know the underlying motivations and feelings driving her behavior. And Adora’s never really had the "you hurt me, so I'll hurt you back" impulse, so she’s more inclined to read Catra's aggressive actions towards her as a sign that Catra maybe doesn’t care about her as much as she once thought.

After Salineas, things continue to heat up between them during Princess Prom. This time Adora is highly confrontational towards Catra. She fully believes Catra is planning something bad, and she's absolutely right, though she still tries to save Catra's life when they fall off the cliff. That act doesn't seem to matter to Catra, and she ups the ante and hurts Adora worse then ever by taking Glimmer and Bow as hostages. 

Adora finally softens towards Catra when Catra returns the sword and let's her and Glimmer escape the Fight Zone. Up until that moment, Adora isn't sure that Catra still cares, but this is confirmation for her. The next time they meet, Adora makes a real effort to reach out, and she again asks Catra to leave the Horde. And they actually do start reconnecting a little, until Light Hope plays on Catra's insecurities with those memory simulations, in an attempt to drive them apart and get Adora to let go of Catra in the same way Shadow Weaver always wanted her to. 

And it does successfully drive them further apart and is the true beginning of Catra’s descent into villainous self-destruction and reality-destroying levels of resentment towards Adora. But what it doesn’t do is get Adora to let go of Catra. Because it doesn't matter what Light Hope and Shadow Weaver and even Catra say or do, Adora never can let go. She does eventually let go of the idea that she's the one responsible for Catra's actions, and she puts up boundaries and becomes harder towards Catra. But she never truly gives up on her or stops caring about her, even when Catra is at her most destructive and spiteful and personally hurtful towards Adora. 

But then, Adora letting go of her feelings for Catra wasn't ever the solution anyway. Because She-Ra's power comes from love, and Catra is the first person Adora loved, and the person she loves the most deeply. So Adora as She-Ra is at her most powerful when she's loving Catra and doing it without conflict, either between the two of them or within Adora herself.

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.