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vkelleyart · 4 years

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Thoughts on fandom: inclusion and engagement.

(Art credit to the kindhearted @penpanoply!)

There’s been some stuff floating around on Tumblr about strife in the CO/WS fandom, and though I haven’t been explicitly named-dropped on anything public, my DMs have been... active. lol Rather than rehash what’s been said already, I just want to impart a little wisdom and perspective in the hopes it may soothe frayed feelings and offer a way ahead for cultivating a respectful community. As someone who has been an active participant in online fandoms since the mid-’90s, which was the advent of online fandom content creation (shout out to my fellow X-Philes!), and who has also spent a chunk of her professional life managing social media for the federal government and for activist groups, I can promise you it’s all gonna be okay.

Here’s some context for why strife happens and what we can do to create a more inclusive and communicative fandom environment.

1) It sounds cliché, but fandoms go through growing pains.

In the case of the Simon Snow fandom, what was once a small and cozy space untouched by cataclysmic events (such as the release of *gasp* a sequel) has grown exponentially in a relatively short amount of time following the release of Wayward Son. Newcomers are eager to find a home in this space at the same time as folks who’ve been here a while may be consciously or unconsciously wary about widening their circle, and It’s important to remember that this is not necessarily an expression of bad behavior on either side but just human psychology doing its thing.

The byproduct, however, is that tension and stress builds over time from the lack of meaningful communication across the divide, which subsequently fuels misunderstandings. Ironically, the interfaces we use to communicate don’t help with this because any existing communication about the tension happens in tiny vacuums until a trigger goes off and bad feelings go public.

Way Ahead: These moments of destabilization are opportunities to see where we can be more self aware about how we engage with fandom and the kind of community we want to be. Can you promote, support, or befriend someone trying to gain a foothold? If yes, please do! Each person must reach their own decision about what they can do within the confines of their available energy, health, and time, but a little self awareness goes a long way as long as you’re honest with yourself and others if applicable about what you can contribute. Anyone who judges you for it isn’t worth the strife.

2) In a fandom comprised of vulnerable/marginalized people, it’s more accurate to say that cliques are “bubbles of trust.”

This one's important. Just by nature of the source material, the CO/WS fandom includes fans with a wide array of backgrounds and experiences, especially when it comes to those who identify with the characters’ queerness, mental illness, and/or trauma. I really believe––based on individual conversations/group chats––that the difficult lived experiences that so many of our fandom peers have endured has produced one of the most open, aware, and accepting fandoms I’ve had the pleasure of participating in. Our vulnerability is, in a real way, our strength.

That said, a community of survivors also has the side effect of cultivating small circles of engagement that I call “bubbles of trust.” When you’re a survivor of abuse, marginalization, mental illness, fill-in-the-blank, it’s often quite hard to risk casting a wide net and expanding your circle to include new faces––which can subsequently be internalized by equally sensitive and vulnerable newcomers as rejection, judgement, or inadequacy.

Way Ahead: First of all, there may indeed be gatekeeping and exclusion going on. But before internalizing someone’s cagey behavior as gatekeeping or purposely exclusionary, ask yourself if you have all the information. Many people are private (I include myself in this assessment) because life has regrettably taught them to be this way, and so they may insulate themselves to a small group of people who have earned their trust. Some people might also triggered by certain content (case in point: smut triggers my anxiety) so they don’t engage with it. Others might have something in their pasts that define how they handle certain subjects (for example, a person of color should not be tone policed for getting angry when confronted with a racialized microagression, however accidental it was). You just don’t know what you don’t know.

The solution here is to regularly check your privilege and ask questions in a private space if you sense you’re being treated unfairly by someone. If you go public with your grievances in hopes of mobilizing the mob, you may accidentally find yourself stepping into the role of the aggressor instead of the victim.

3) Social Media is not built to help you get engagement. It’s built to help itself make money off of you.

Repeat after me: Hits/likes are not a measurable indicator of talent or worth. There are ridiculously talented folks on Tumblr and elsewhere who, for whatever reason, haven’t had their viral moment, and it’s not their fault. Loads of factors come into play where things like likes, reblogs, and comments are concerned, among them being posting frequency, subject matter, the time of day, the day of the week, the week of the month, the month of the year, the current administration, the stock exchange, the concentration of middle class users, who just won the Superbowl, a madman trying to steal an election and undermine the democratic process, a PANDEMIC, do you get where I’m going with this?? lol

At the end of the day, my humble successes have been helped along by good luck, good timing, high profile signal boosters, and an absurd amount of work. (This is why I try to signal boost new work whenever I get a chance over at @vkelleyshares.)

So while you cannot control Tumblr’s interface, trends at large, or your fellow users, here’s what you can do to ensure you give your work the best possible chance of exposure.

Have an image ready to go with your post. Tumblr is a visual platform (no matter what it says about being good for text). Not good with images? Set up a Canva.com account and get access to free graphic software with a gazillion templates to create whatever attractive image you want to attach to your post.

Keep the outward facing text brief and easy on the eyes. Too long and eyes will glaze over. Put excess text behind a “read more.”

You may think you’re being cute when you do this, but don’t put yourself down in your posts. (Don’t put yourself down in general, of course.) Doing so acts as engagement repellant. If you don’t believe in your work, no one else will.

Related: Be your best cheerleader. Confidence is a magnet, and if you don’t have it, go ahead and fake it until you start to convince yourself you are worth the buzz. So promote yourself! You have gifts that only you can impart. Use that knowledge to fuel everything you do from your art/fiction writing to your outreach with other content creators, and by golly, if someone’s done it already, acknowledge that contribution and then tell the world that this is YOUR unique take on it.

Treat your fellow fandom creators as human beings, not art/fiction/content boosting machines. I cannot count how many times I’ve had folks slide into my DMs with offers of friendship only to disappear once they realize I’m not available to draw a picture for their fic. It hurts because it’s manipulative and it makes me want to hole up and not signal boost anyone. Creators who truly support each other will not give off a transactional vibe. I want to help you reach more people, but not if that’s all I’m good for in your eyes.

The long and short of it: Lead with compassion, do your best with the opportunities at your disposal, and remember that fandom belongs to everyone in it. ❤️

What saves a fandom made of sensitive and vulnerable souls from imploding when it goes through growing pains is radical compassion from those who can offer it. Begin with the assumption that your fellow fandomers are not trying to harm you, and wade into the water knowing that your insight into the lives of your peers is limited by default and you may need to temper your words or actions accordingly. If you’re a content creator, save compassion for yourself as well, as there are indeed challenges to gaining an audience, and lack of engagement does not mean you lack talent or skill. Be your best advocate, and if you have the bandwidth to lift up a fellow creator and make a new friend, please, go ahead do it!

And finally, fandom belongs to everyone, and no one has a monopoly on characters, tropes, or themes. Create and consume what you love (with respect for your more vulnerable peers), and bask in the variety, my friends!

That’s all I’ve got in my head at the moment, although I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting. Thanks so much to @penpanoply for letting me use her art for this and to everyone else, hang in there and try not to judge each other too harshly. These are unprecedented times, and most of us are doing our best in circumstances that are pushing us to our limits.

As always, if you have questions or want to sound off on anything, shoot me a message or an ask, or ping me on Discord. It might take me a second to respond (thanks, Covid) but I’ll get to it! Love, love, and more love to all.

#fandom stuff

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genshin-hours · 3 years

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Hello dear! May I please have a Hunter and Survivor match-up please? Also if you'd like i'd be more than happy to match you with a hunter and survivor as well! Anyways, I love your blog and your writing! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

Zodiac sign: Leo sun, Aries moon, Leo rising

Personality Type: ENTP

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Straight (For now might be bi but i'm going with straight)

I'm 5'4 and I have a very tiny body frame so i'm extremely petite and pretty small. I'm not very curvy and I literally have the body of a cereal box...lol but its fine because I have nice hips and thighs. I have thick brown hair that goes down to my back and it gets tangled pretty easily but its kinda fluffy. I have brown eyes and tiny freckles all over my face and body. I also have a very strong grunge style, like Flannels, band t-shirts, combat boots, leather jackets etc. But i'd also always enjoy a nice oversized sweatshirt or hoodie with a pair of skinny, ripped jeans and some converses or something along those lines.

For my personality.....this is where things get interesting. At first people find me very intimidating due to my resting bitch face and cold exterior but I promise i'm not like that ALL the time. When you get to know me, i'm goofy and about everything that comes out of my mouth is sarcasm or some dry humored joke. I'm also that one friend in a group where they literally will do the stupidest shit ever like for an example one time it was super dark outside and my other friend was there, while I was trying to climb a tree and I failed and fell out of the tree, and landed on my back. I got straight up after that somehow it didn't hurt.....like at all? But yeah i'm super reckless and sometimes people have to save me from myself if you get what I mean. I also have a very strong "I don't give a fuck" attitude and I will not hesitate to stick up for myself or my friends....like i'm the type of person where if someone glares at me, i'll glare right back.

I have bad anxiety and I can be very self destructive. This is where my feisty, stubborn, hardheaded side comes in. If I want something then i'll fight for it even if it hurts me and i'll get into a bad cycle of putting myself down and trying to do better even if I did great the first time but I always push myself too far and other people have to stop me because I usually can't see it when its happening. I also cover my emotions up and I have a lot of trouble talking about whats bothering me or what problems i'm having emotionally so I put up a wall and I act tough, or happy and sometimes i'll be the exact opposite but I try to hide it.Weird things about me: I've grown up in the south all my life so sometimes when I talk a few words they'll come out sounding WAYYY more country and southern then I wanted, I don't have an accent but sometimes my words just come out that way. Sometimes in the middle of the night you can find me just staring at a wall or something because I can't go to sleep.....I have trouble sleeping.....

Things I like: I love swimming (I was on a swim team for about 9 years), I love horror movies, I like rain and the sounds of thunderstorms because its calming to me, I also love the smell of rain, I like cloudy days, cooking, listening to 80's and 90's rock but mainly 90's because 90's is the best, My favorite bands are Bush, Audioslave, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkoln Park, Pearl jam but i'm pretty open to anything.

Things I dislike: Spiders.......I will scream if I see a spider.

hello! tysm for requesting, love! and you can of course :) ty for the offer btw, that would be lovely! also I hope you have a wonderful day/night as well <3 hopefully you enjoy all these hcs, dear ♡

I ship you with....

joseph desaulnier

so, I think joseph would really like you :>

joseph is one of the shorter hunters, so you being very small makes him lowkey excited

he loves letting you rest in his lap. he marvels at how small you are and how cute you look!!!

joseph gets the whole resting bitch face thing. he is told quite often that he has a bad case of rbf lmao

he also thinks your hair is really pretty, and if you're alright with it, he will offer to help brush/comb it for you or even style it. he is surprisingly good with hair. his hair isn't just fluffy and silky on its own, you know.

also joseph is pretty good at keeping you from doing like absolutely crazy stuff. he will make sure you don't get hurt, but the second he think you might he's gonna be yelling at you in french to stop or running to try and protect you from falling

and if you do get hurt, he is the first to provide you first aid. the whole time he is blushing and cursing under his breath. he is surprised by how bold and reckless you can be.

he loves your spirit and enthusiasm, but for the love of god, please be more careful

also, joseph loves your dry humor. he laughs at all your jokes. even if you're in matches and he is supposed to be serious

joseph also has a pretty "idgaf" attitude, so you guys will get along well. he is willing to fight for something he believes in too.

joseph isn't the best with emotions either, but this gives you both an opportunity to work together at it.

you both agree to come together and share what you're comfortable with to try and figure things out. tbh he is more likely to provide you with advice rather than consolation.

he thinks your accent is really cute, and teases you for it sometimes. but he actually thinks it's adorable.

also he will help you fall asleep by stroking your hair, reading to you, laying by you, etc. he is very comforting surprisingly

joseph is also probably scared of spiders but he will toughen up to get rid of them if you need him to.

(if the spider is scary enough though, you'll be hearing swearing in french and seeing another hunter coming to deal with it lmao)

I also ship you with luca balsa!

luca and you would be cute together!

he thinks your height is adorable, and he likes how small you are when you stand together

you're not too much shorter than him (only 3 inches or so) but it's really cute to him that he can lift you up and stuff or you can sit in front of him and he can lean on you.

he likes to be alone usually when working, though he wouldn't mind if you were to lay on his bed or sit on his lap while he works, but he needs you to stay safe so you're wearing a heavy coat and safety gear lmao

he thinks your style and rbf are adorable. you're not intimidating to him, so he thinks it's funny

luca also enjoys your humor, and he finds it relatable. he always laughs at your jokes, even if you make them at bad times

luca has similar habits to you though, which makes it easy for him to spot them in you and stop you quickly before things get bad

he himself is pretty reckless at times, but, he will admit, he is a hypocrite and panics when you do something dangerous, but turns around and works with dangerous equipment

you're both not the best with emotions, but he does his best to help you. he might not be the best at consoling you, but he will do what he can to make you feel better in his own way

he might tinker with stuff to improve it for you, or try to give you helpful advice

luca would think horror movies are super neat, but he analyzes them fast, and knows all the twists and turns. he still jumps though

he likes your accent and thinks it's pretty cool! he doesn't hear many southern accents, so he finds yours very neat and soothing to listen to

luca will take the time to help you fall asleep if you can't. he has some trouble falling asleep too, so don't be surprised if he accidentally passes out on top of you once you're asleep.

he isn't a fan of lightning and thunder, but some gentle rain and pretty clouds are lovely in his opinion :)

luca is also an entp, so you two would have plenty of lively debates lmao

#identity v #idv #identity v headcanons #identity v imagines #idv headcanons #idv imagines #identity v x reader #idv x reader #idv matchups #idv photographer #idv joseph #joseph desaulnier #idv luca balsa #idv luca #idv prisoner #luca balsa

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coldtomyflash · 4 years

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I've seen your speech pattern analysis on Flash characters. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to create speech patterns for OC characters?

oh heck this is one of the coolest questions i’ve ever received.

i’m gonna try not to go overboard/overwhelming and just give a bit of advice, and then if you want more details please come back and follow up!

There’s a few things to think about up front with character voices / speech patterns. The biggest and most obvious is language and cultural background. The second is personality. The third is personal history. Fourth, briefly, is gender. And the final one I’d say is idiosyncrasies to avoid ‘same voice’.

Culture and Group Dynamics

Depending on the setting, there’s a decent chance you’ll be writing characters from different cultural backgrounds. Even if you’re focusing on a single culture, there will be subcultures. Even if you’re focusing on a single narrow group of people, there will be age and generational differences.

Think about where your character is from. If it’s a fantasy world, that’s still (and even more, in some ways) important. What country, what ethnicity, what mother tongue? Did they grow up urban or rural? High socio-economic status or working class? What sort of educational background and peer group did they have growing up (and presently) and how does that factor into their vocabulary and mannerisms, if at all.

All of these can influence how people talk. There are regional accents and different modes of speaking to signal your group membership. There is code-switching across groups, for those who have had to learn multiple linguistics codes to survive and thrive in society.

How much slang does this group and therefor this character use? What references (modern, outddated, topical, etc) do the rely on? What kind of references (pop culture, music, academic, etc)? What colloquialisms and proverbs do they say? Are these the same or different to their characters, even within the same culture, subculture, or group, and is it because they’re from a different place/sub-group or because of their idiosyncrasies?

You can use these to help your reader get to know more about your character’s background without having to spell it all out directly. Speech patterns and style are a great way to show instead of tell when it comes to details that are hard to drop in organically in other ways.

An important caveat: don’t write a bilingual character who switches languages in speech unless you’re ready to do a bit of research on that. In AATJS I did an absolutely horrific job of this because I was thinking more about fronting the fact that character was Italian rather than thinking through how people actually talk, and it came out exotifying and embarrassing. It’s important to make sure that the way you use language to bring in a character’s cultural and/or ethnic background feels authentic and manifests is a way that respects that language and its users. You can write a character with a complex cultural history without using multiple languages if you’re unprepared to do research and talk to bilingual speakers.

Personality

Probably the most salient thing in a writer’s mind when they’re trying to write character voices: is this the funny character? the serious one? the brainy one? etc.

Don’t overuse stereotypes and archetypes for creating speech patterns (or characters in general) if you’re trying to make a rounded, 3-dimensional character. Instead, go about three levels deeper.

Think about whether they’re introverted or extraverted, whether they are neurotypical or neurodivergent, whether they are introspective enough to express their own emotions clearly or whether they stumble when asked why they did a particular thing or feel a particular way (most people don’t or can’t clearly articulate exactly why they did something or how they feel, and come at things a bit sideways to circle around their motives and interior realities when pressed to make them external and concretely verbal).

Is this character calm, is their voice soothing, do they speak slowly? Are they excitable and loud and is their speech free-flowing? Are they angry? Do they swear? Do they use references for humour or are they more into puns? Do they laugh at their own jokes? Do they talk with their hands?

This character has social anxiety: how does that manifest in her speech? Does she clam up and get very quiet when she gets nervous, or does she go rapidfire and a little too loud (does she process by turning in or by distracting herself by turning outward)? Does she get very careful and deliberate in choosing her words (is she a bit high-strung?)? Ask yourself which fits best with the other elements of her personality and what you want the reader to know/interpret about her.

This character is incredibly smart and a bit awkward: how does that manifest in their speech? Do they tend to use 5-dollar words, or do they expend a lot of energy choosing their words more carefully (how considerate are they to their audience when speaking and does that influence their speech)? Do they stumble over their words and explaining things, or are they good at making points with clear language learned from a lifetime of tutoring and helping others?

This character is the bff, who tries hard to make sure everyone else is happy first: how does that manifest in his speech? How does he switch between his happy-mask versus his more authentic self, and what changes in tone, word-choice, and inflection come in when he does?

Personal History

I’m only drawing a distinction between this and personality (archetype, really) so that I can draw attention to ways to add simultaneously unique and shared layers to characters that are distinct but related to group dynamics.

Here’s sort of what I mean: the level of education of a mother (or primary caregiver) of an infant can determine that infant’s vocabulary size. While we can break down all the ‘why is that’ layers to this, the one I want to point is to the simple truth that the more education a person does, the more specialized language they end up learning over time. This doesn’t have to be formal education though -- the more you learn about something and the more you read and access new knowledges and perspective, the more and more words you learn, and then if you start using those words, they trickle down to those close to you.

So.

What’s your character’s educational background? Is it the same as their friends who you are also writing? Is the same as their family’s? How does this character’s family influence their speech? Are they formal, informal, warm, authoritative?

If you’re writing siblings, they’ll have some shared things! But also some very different ones! Me and my sister talk nothing alike in terms of vocabulary, but a lot alike in terms of mannerisms whenever we spend a bit of time together!

If your characters grew up around each other, they’ll have a lot of the same references. People from the same cities or regions will have things specific to that region, either due to sub-culture effects or because of local references.

The city of Calgary, Canada for instance has the Plus15 which are a connected pedway system between the buildings in downtown, so named because they are 15feet above the ground. Drive 3 hours north to the city of Edmonton, and you have an underground pedway just called the pedways, no special name. Go a few provinces east to Toronto and their underground pedway system downtown is called PATH. These are all known to locals and part of the vernacular, but are opaque to people outside those cities. And the whole idea of them is probably opaque to people who aren’t from super cold cities that don’t require building-connecting pedway systems for pedestrians to get around high-density areas like downtown (or university campuses) without going out into the cold.

Friends, families, and groups are like that too. In-jokes, shared histories, speaking in references. What are your characters’ relationships to each other and how does that history influence the way they approach talking to each other?

Gender

I don’t want to spend too much time on this one because ugh, gender. What even is it?

But like it or not, it has an impact on our speech patterns. There are cultural and societal norms in how men and women are likely to speak, and breaking those norms will be noticed regardless of whether you’re trans, enby, queer, or not. There are norms that people who are queer may fall into as well, sometimes without even noticing at first. A lot of these aren’t about word choice per se but instead about mannerisms and tone and body language, but some overlap or are specific to language.

Speaking in broad generalizations here, women use more emotional language and tend to speak with more hesitancies/qualifications. So more “i think, i feel” and less “it is”. More conversations that front emotions and dig deeper into those, with longer sentences to explain in detail. The obvious caveat is that personality matters more (i.e., is this a person who likes to talk about their emotions in detail or not) but it is something to consider because there will be general but subtle differences that you can use to help further distinguish your characters’ voices.

Sidenote: this can also be exacerbated by different cultural backgrounds and languages (a simple example is Japanese which has different words for “I” depending on your gender as well as your personality, familiarity with the other persons in the conversation, and situational appropriateness, so interesting ways that gender and social expectations intersect in language).

Anyway this isn’t typically a huge problem except that I’ve found that a lot of writers have a tendency to overgeneralize the speech patterns that fit with their ascribed gender due to early-life socialization, or conversely to overgeneralize patterns that fit with their gender identity (when not cis) either due to heavily identifying with their gender identity’s speech model (or sometimes possibly due to a knee-jerk sort of backlash). I say this as an enby who both struggles with it and notices it and tries to edit and correct for it.

I could get into all sorts of examples of ways this can lead to voice issues, but in general i think the point here is to make sure you’re writing any given character in view of that character’s personality and history, with gender only as a modifier for how some of these might come out in subtle ways but which can be important to help tell us about your character (and if you’re writing queer characters, it’s all the more important to consider how their relationship with gender and socialization might impact which speech models and styles they identify more with).

Idiosyncrasies

So, you’ve got a character. You’ve got their personality and history down. You know how they manifest in their speech. And you’re still getting some ‘same voice’ issues.

People really are unique snowflakes. Let that be reflected in their speech.

This person uses contractions differently than that one. This one says “ain’t” and that one says “isn’t.”

This person makes Simpsons references and that one doesn’t like Simpsons, and makes Brooklyn Nine Nine references instead. That other one doesn’t use referential humour much at all. This one loves old movies and hasn’t seen any of the new stuff so they make references all the time but no one ever notices.

This one loves the word “excoriate” and that one doesn’t even know what it means because what the hell, who uses the word excoriate?

This one talks about food a lot, it overlaps with their interests. This one uses metaphors. This one grunts in response. This one exclaims. This one says “like” and that one hates it. That one refers to themselves in third person. This other one uses reflective language an usual amount (e.g., “love me some candy”). This other one keeps misusing the word inconceivable and that one speaks almost without contractions but still comes off as more charming and humorous while correcting him.

I have an aunt who says “girl” or “girlfriend” a fuck-ton and she has been my whole life and I don’t know why because none of her sisters do, but she does and it annoys me so much the way she says it. I swear a lot when I’m feeling casual despite never ever doing it in a professional or even slightly-less-than-relaxed space, so the idiosyncrasy of comfort levels has a massive impact on my vocabulary in ways which, I promise, almost no one who meets me first in a professional space expect.

Let your characters be individuals and try to make them as unique as possible without overdoing it, or over-relying on a single verbal tendency or habit.

And ... that’s all I’ve got for now. Completely failed at being concise. I meant to give like 2-3 bullet points or examples for each, not paragraphs, but here we are. That’s one of my verbal tendencies: long flowing verbosity :)

Hope this helps!

#speech patterns #speech analysis #phyn writes #writing advice #writing #OC's #writing reference #didn't edit so apologies for typos i'm sure i'll come back at some point #Anonymous

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sugakoni · 3 years

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hiiii if you're still doing the matchups could i maybe get a re one? i'm a female, 5'4, straight, and chubby. i'm very independent, have major social anxiety (if there's 4 people or more in a room that i'm not necessarily familiar with i have a panic attack), i'm depressed, whenever i have an episode it's really bad. not eating, either sleeping a lot or not at all, all that jazz. i'm so insecure, it's honestly sad. the adhd is strooong, but it mostly comes out when i'm talking and there's a lot of noise around. for example, if i'm talking to someone and the TV's going i'll easily get distracted by it. i also fidget a lot, bouncing my leg, toying with a coin, tapping my foot, all that stuff. i like being by myself a lot, but i won't mind someone else's company 😉 i've been told i'm very intimidating and protective, but i'm also a hardass and won't hesitate to put someone's ass on the ground if i need to. i swear like a goddamn sailor and have the dirtiest mind out there, and i'm sarcastic, all that stuff. i use humor to hide my emotions cause i'm emotionally reserved. for hobbies i read, write, go out driving cause in my mind it's very soothing

I match you with Leon Kennedy!

(matchups are now currently closed, thank you all who have requested! will post when they are reopened!)

Leon would enjoy how independent you are, especially when he has to go on long trips. He knows that you will keep yourself safe without his company, but he would long for you if the trip was longer than a few days. He would love everything about you and miss everything about you that sometimes it is all he thinks about when he is gone. He tries not to force you into going to events with him and all that, even if he knows he could bring a plus one, he just would rather you not have a panic attack. If you did have one, however, he would make you a cup of tea and try to soothe you the way you want to be soothed in that moment, always asking if what he was doing was okay. He wants you to be happy. When you have a major depressive episode, he would honestly understand and try to give you space while still being there for you. Knowing Leon, he would make you eat and get stubborn if you didn't, might be a bit passive aggressive if you say no as well. If you sleep in, he lets you, if you can't sleep, he will stay up all night until you finally can. He wants you to know you are not alone in this. When you are feeling insecure, he will always remind you how much he loves you and your body and your personality. He will try his best to get you to smile and agree with him, even if you are being a hardass. If you are getting distracted he doesn't mind it, just letting you do whatever you wanted to do in that moment. He would make sure he always had something on him for you to fidget with too if you get overly anxious in a situation. You and him both have the same type of humor. This man is honestly so reserved outside of his own home, but when he is with you? He is always so open. He trusts you with that side of himself. Also, you wanna sit in the living room and read while he is drinking? Have at it. Wanna write when he is doing work just to keep him company? He will gladly enjoy it. Tell him you wanna go on a drive to soothe your mind? Hell yeah, get the keys. He is honestly so smitten that he will do anything and everything for you.

thank you so much for the request! i hope this is good <3

#leon kennedy #matchups now closed #resident evil matchups #resident evil match ups #resident evil

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shyrose57 · 3 years

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2nd part than.

8: (This ones longgggg) Their rooms all have the same beige (like brown mushroom color) walls and floors. As their not allowed to change that. But Watson has some bookshelves in his room along with a old adventurer cape that goes in front of his body and hangs to his ankles (Item-Ya Adventurer Cape is a perfect example. Idk the actual name for the kind of cape it is), some display cases featuring his strongest bows and arrows, along with a sword and axe, along with pictures of the group toghere and pictures from his travels on the walls, he has a single lone desk that is only used when designing new bows or arrows. Ran also has bookshelves, but his is bigger and takes up a whole wall, he also as a winter cape with fur on its shoulders hung up (he lived in a snow biome for a little while and made the cape himself), along with a single weapon case that features a lone damaged neitherite sword, he also has chests stacked along a wall filled with random stuff that he sometimes gives as gifts or uses to throw at people. Jackie has a few paintings and posters in his room, along with the only carpet in any bedroom (that he totally didnt steal from Grievous), a panting easel, he has a single display case in his room that displays the sword Porkius gave him for winning, theres also pictures of the group toghere and a small chest next to his bed filled with things that belongs to someone in the group. Grievous has a small bookshelf (one book is a naming book Watson jokingly gave him), a chest filled to the brim with blankets and pillows (cause for him comfort is a necessity), he also has a desk that he tends to fall asleep at when doing literally anything on it. Everyone also has a good sized wardrobe somewhere in their room that is filled with different outfits and w statue stands with either iron armour or empty. There is also a four-way-bunkbed in the living room/area, they typically use it when someone is having or had a very bad day and needs comfort, or when Jackie's separation anxiety is bad and needs to sleep with everyone nearby.

Ran loves reading and sometimes gets mad when someone intrupts his reading. Watson loves designing new bows and arrows and just designing weapons in general (Grievous does too and helps him sometimes). Jackie likes to paint and has a interest in adventuring one day. They are well known but only in Subbin and surrounding cities. Though word does travel about them at times which can bring people to Subbin. They have 2 titles actually! First is used in typical matches, while the second is used in more formal or serious matches (like those for general). Ran: The Enderman, Partikel Tari (Dancing Particles, referencing how when he fights when serious its like he's dancing as he teleports around the field). Watson: The Archer, Multi (Referencing how he has more experience than anyone in the use of all kinds of weapons and can quickly adjust to situations). Grievous: Multi-Named, Unpredictable (referring to how he is by far the most unpredictable person in serious battles). Jackie: The Child, Diremehake (Underestimated, referring to how he gets underestimated a lot during any battle). They get recognized quite often and get called their stage names, when they dont want to deal with people recognizing them they often either yell at them to go away or just run away.

9: They do all of the above! It depends on the match up (Jackie and Watson stay out of eachothers way mostly, Ran and Grievous make it one on one, and Ran and Jackie take them out quick). Oh the first time Ran threw Jackie was hailours. You could hear Watson screaming from the stands in fear and Jackie just head-butted the guy in the stomach. Then when Jackie recovered he just yelled for Ran to throw him again, and once again you could hear Watson screaming no and threats at them from the stands. Ran agreed and threw Jackie at the last person, who he just bear hugged as he hit and held them down. Then after the battle Watson smacked the two and chastised them.

10: At first he drops stuff and trips over his feet on a regular basis. But after about 3 weeks he fully regains his balance, and is able to finally walk without tripping at the start. While the attempts at bonding do work to get Ranbob and Cletus closer the two never get as close as the rest. Neither can really name what's stopping them from getting closer though. For the first week people need to constantly remind Ranbob to do all of those things. As he thinks the constant hunger, thirst, and tiredness is all normal when its not and their trying to get him to understand that. And while he eventually starts to do it himself, theres still some nights where he doesnt eat or drink or sleep. They just leave the two in the house, but later they do start to expand the house a bit to fit the new addition. He does not get his own place up, he just gives up after some time. He doesn't fall asleep out there to often thankfully, but since the house keeps falling on him he does get cuts and bruises quite often. He gets stuck in a rain storm only 2 times which isn't bad, but he does get semi-bad burns from them sadly that Benjamin has to sit him down for and have Charles distract him for long enough to wrap his wounds properly. And it only took Benjamin like 4 weeks before he finally got fed up and forced him inside and had him stay with them. He has dealt with a storm before when he was young! But it was when he was about 12 so its been a long while.

11: He spends all of his free time glaring at them. And for the first few days whenever he sees someone from his group hanging around his brothers, he'll go over and pick em up and just carry them away. The fishermen worry for a bit that Ran may hurt them, but Watson assured them that Ran knows the two groups like eachother and wouldn't hurt them incase that could hurt his families feelings.

12: Ranbob is extremely happy about potentially getting new members of his family! And eagerly tries to talk with them. But Ran is far less happy and actively avoids them (and drags his family away at times).

13: At the start they have no idea where their going. But when Grievous brings up about Rans damaged sword they decide to find a nether portal so they can find whats needed to repair his sword! And Watson decides on the way he can show them all the different biomes in the world, which Jackie is extremely excited for.

14: If the fishermen get separated from Ranbob for too long he actively goes and searches for them. And refuses to stop until he finds them. When upset Ran loves to pick up members of his Haunting, though he doesnt do them often as he knows his Haunting doesn't like it when he does it to often. He and Ranbob also pick up blocks though as it's a comfort action and soothes them. Cuddles piles do happen! They happen more for Ranbob to comfort him after a nightmare or just a bad day, or when he basically relapses and wants to go back to Dream. But cuddle piles are more rare in Rans group, as cuddle piles only happen when anyone is doing really badly mentally or physically and just need comfort, or when they all just need some comfort. But their much more sentimental and have more meaning than Ranbobs groups.

15: Oh definitely. I forget if I included it when I first introduced my Au. But soon after Ran escaped Mizu, he was hunted for his pearl and respawn ability. Though he killed the people hunting him. Every year he was out of Mizu and every year before he entered Subbin he was hunted by multiple groups. He's become legend just for avoiding so many groups and killing a vast majority of them. He's known as the "Green Eyed Enderman." and is a top goal amongst hunters. There are some times Ran got jumped in Subbin for being a hybrid but he quickly defeated them.

Karl has played his role in this! Though maybe I could make it so he comes in later on during a really difficult part between the brothers, and helps out. Using his own experiences in the SMP and seeing what ruined relationships like brothers does to someone and others, to make sure their relationship doesn't stay so broken and hurt so many people. Maybe at the end I'll have them go back and face Dream so Ranbob (and even Ran slightly, with how Dreams presence affected him) can finally be completely free. As of rn no one has a pet. But that question made me really want to give someone a raven and idk who. I want to have bits of the other Tales in it! Im not quite sure how yet but I want this to be a mostly Tales ONLY au (no main SMP stuff unless needed or necessary) as the Tales don't have enough love. He does write down the experience he had with the Dream Experience and writes down very important things, but other than that he leaves it behind.

Im really happy to hear that you like my au. I love world and story building a lot and can't control how much I write sometimes, again im sorry this is so long and I'll do my best to not make anything this long ever again. Sorry if this bothered you

8: Sounds pretty interesting, overall. Was Watson-as his cape suggest-perhaps an adventurer? And he designs his own bows and arrows? Very cool. What kind of things does he come up with? Ran also sounds like he’s traveled a bit. He knows how to sew? Has he ever made anything for anyone else? Where did he get his sword? Jackie’s got a carpet? Very nice, he deserves it. And a painting easel? How good is he at painting? Or is it more of something he’s just trying? Grievous sounds like he could build a very good pillow fort, and honestly, good for him. How often do they camp out in the bunk bed room?

Ran not liking being interrupted is understandable. Does he ever read to anyone, or is it more some alone time for him? Grievous and Watson must design some terrifying weapons. Where is Jackie looking at adventuring to? Anywhere specific, or just around? And what language(s) is Ran and Jackie’s secondary titles in? Latin?

9: Very smart of them, means it’ll be harder to pick up a pattern. And hearing about Ran tossing Jackie-I’m laughing. I’m not going to lie, kind of assumed it was planned pre-match, but hearing that they just decided to throw him? Watson’s reaction? Just...hilarious. Was Jackie even prepared for it, or did Ran just toss them without warning? Honestly, it kind of sounds like people might come to the Pit for the comedy just as much for the fighting. If this was the kind of thing that went down, I’d probably come to watch.

10: Oh no, Ranbob! At least he’s getting better. So Cletus and Ranbob never quite click, huh? Well, that’s alright. Sometimes people just don’t. Doesn’t mean they don’t care about each other! Ranbob thinking it’s normal, oh god. Does he ever say something along those lines, or get confused why the others are so worried about it? If so, how do the fishermen react to that question, and how does Ranbob react to the answer. As for the house, well. He can say he tried if nothing else-and hey, funny story to share with the gladiators later on. It’s good that he wasn’t caught in too many storms, less that he was caught in some at all. I’m sure that was a big help in convincing Benjamin to finally just put his foot down, which, honestly good for him. You go, Benjamin!

11: Ran, bud, chill. I like how you said his free time though-my first thought was that he immediately finished a book and went over to glare at them. Probably not true, but a hilarious mental image. Very glad Watson has reassured the fishermen-how did Ranbob react to that worry of theirs?

12: Ran’s actions are pretty understandable, but still a bit sad. How does Ranbob feel about them? Is he resigned? Determined? Upset?

13: Adventure! Into possibly dangerous places! How fun! Can’t wait to see where it goes. What do they see? What’s the first stop? How long are they heading off?

14: He won’t stop? Like, potentially will work himself into the ground won’t stop? Ran just picks up his members like blocks. And, oh boy. Ranbob wanting to go back to Dream? That’s just. Oof. Very much oof. How do the fishermen deal with that, and how do they feel about it?

15: Ran sounds like he’s had a less than enjoyable time out there. Do these hunters ever go after them once they leave Subbin? Do they target Ranbob? I mean, he’s another Endermen hybrid, and one who definitely isn’t as skilled as Ran, or as used to them. He’d be a much easier target.

So Karl’s gonna come in towards the end. Nice. Ran was also affected by Dream? How so? Obviously less than his brother, but did he ever notice? Did Ranbob? Sounds like it’d be a good final showdown, over all.

As for that pet raven, may I offer some suggestions? You could give one to Jackie and Grievous, so it can help them cause havoc, or maybe one to Benjamin, so it can help him keep an eye on his dorks. Maybe even Cletus, to help snag things, and mess with people, or Isaac, maybe to help find things. Even Watson, or one of the brothers, to help keep watch over their groups. Really, you could give any of these guys a raven. Depending on said bird’s personality, it could fit anywhere. Just depends on what you want to do with it.

I completely agree with you, we need more Tales AUs. Ranbob and Ran did come from what was basically a city of historians, perhaps you could use that to tie in the other Tales? Or even have them across the old ruins of areas on their adventure. Even chunk in more time travel, via Karl or otherwise, if you want to toss in more characters.

Ranbob pretty much starts over then. Good for him. How does Ran feel about that? Actually, who was Ran’s idol, and his general life on Mizu, before the Dream incident?

Other questions:

One thing I’d like to know is how the groups react to each other’s experiences and general life styles. Like for one, Ranbob and the fishermen generally seem more physically affectionate with each other, while Ran and the gladiators seem fairly less so, but no less close.

For another, the fishermen probably still remind Ranbob to eat or sleep, which would probably seem a bit confusing for the gladiators. How much do they know about both sides? Obviously enough for them to want to help get the brothers back together, but like.

How much do the gladiators believe Ranbob’s side. Are they wary, or skeptical, or do they believe it completely, and if so, why?

How long was Ran left running, evading hunters, and how has that affected him? How many times do both brothers say something concerning, and how do they react to what the other says?

You’ve said Ranbob occasionally relapses and wants to return to Dream. Does this happen on the trip? And if so, how do the gladiators react to such a thing-depending on how much they know about the whole thing, I can imagine mixed reactions. How does Ran react?

How do both groups react to the new endermen hybrids? They seem to have dealt with different instincts before now, so seeing Ranbob trail the fishermen and Ran just pick up the gladiators must be a bit strange.

What can Ranbob keep down? Not only was Dream in control, and not particularly careful with his body, but supplies were probably also somewhat limited when he did eat. So how has that affected him?

Are there any nicknames within in the groups? How do the gladiators react to the schedule change, considering they had set times for so much before? How do the fishermen react to the new areas? What habits are/become shared, and what habits are restricted to one group.

In general, just...how the fishermen and the gladiators differ in lifestyles, basically.

For another, in one of the earlier post, you mentioned both Isaac and Cletus wanted to return to Mizu. Isaac kind of gives me a historian vibe himself, or some sort of archaeologists. Just a kind of person who wants to learn about history-perhaps something to do with the fact that he was played by Karl, and the whole time traveler thing.

But anyway, what exactly did those two want to do down there? Explore, learn, steal?

And how would you say everyone’s personalities are like? Will you be introducing anymore characters, Tales or otherwise. It’d be interesting to see a Pit version of Tommy, or Puffy, or such.

How does Ran react when he finally accepts the truth, and what exactly pushes him to that?

Hope this isn’t too many questions. I’m pretty invested, not gonna lie.

And seriously, I don’t mind the length. Long or short, I’m really just happy to hear more about your AU, and I look forward to more.

#dream smp #Brothers AU #dream smp au #ranbob #tales from the smp #ran #jackie #watson #grievous #cletus #isaac #benjamin #karl jacobs

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itseivwhore · 4 years

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Hey! May I please get some headcanons for how Edward, Shay, and Arno would react to their S/O being worried about a college application and whether or not it'll be accepted? I applied on Thursday, and Im honestly so scared... thank you in advance

Heyo @prctectedlegacy (why the cazzo can't I find you in the usernames when I try to tag you???I just hope you will see these,once published) !Thank you for requesting this ;) Listen here,it's normal to feel scared/stressed/preoccupied/anxious about something so important like this,but try to think for the best,mh?For example: I cry. HAHAHAHAHAH,my dark humor and obvious sarcasm apart...for real,teake it easy buddy. But I would love to know if they'll accept you!So let me know,will you?

Also,I noticed that I became,literally from all of sudden,the CEO of comforting people with my headcanons. Like uh yes,feel free to confess your preoccupations to me: come get some you fuckers,I'm here to make you happy with my weak writing skill.

Now let's start,shall we?

~~~~~

|°Edward°| :

He has been with you through everything,and with him,you passed and overwhelmed any kind of fear you had in the past: encouraging you when others put you down,rooting for you when others didn't believe in you,pushing you do to your best in and for everything all the time,being by your side with everything you had to face.

Edward was always here,with his strong determination and with his endless support for you.

Unless these times when he was drunk:in that case you would have found him passed out,either on the couch or on the bathroom's floor,blabbering things under his breath...but that's a negligible detail.

Getting in that college would have been a big step in your life,the one you always have wanted.But,for as much as you were excited and happy about it,needless to say that you were also,and obviously,scared.

You firstly tried to hide your preoccupation away from Edward,not wanting to ruin his costant,almost natural,'chill' nature,letting him playing his guitar in peace.

But nothing passed unseen under these deep blue eyes of his: nothing.

Finally deciding to open up your mind and sharing your thoughts with him,after he came back home from a pub where he played with his small,cheap band.

When Edward listened to you freely speaking about your worries,he gave you such a big smile and a relieved sigh.The bastard knew that something was off with the way you were behaving,but he didn't dare to touch that 'weak' spot,deciding instead to wait for you to take your time.

So there you were,sitting together outside the balcony of his apartment,in the middle of the night: you softly speaking as he carefully listened to everything,blue eyes fixed in your ones.

Comforting you in all the ways he knew,pulling and squeezing you in an endless and tight hug,not letting you go until you have calmed down.

He might haven't been a master with gentle words and philosophical speeches...so silence was all what he could give you.But,after some moments where he intensly observed you,he found his way with words:

"Why don't you go and take something to drink,mh?" as he gave you a sly wink and a lopside smirk.

"Let's drink to forget our sorrows" he exclaimed before taking a long sip from the bottle you brought him,actually managing to make you laugh.

Jokes apart,after drinking that beer,he became more serious,wrapping an arm around your waist,pulling you in his lap as he whispered to you truly and purely comforting words,genuinely soothing you down once for all.

Maybe it was his low,deep voice,speaking so firmly and decisively;or maybe it was the way he was lively convincing you that you will get in that 'goddamned college' -his own words.

Spending the other days together.

Slow/rough sex for making the stress go away.

Edward playing his guitar in the living room most of the time for you,with you sitting on the couch while you had his cat in your lap:listening to him playing something slow and nice always helped you to relax.

"You will get in that college.If you don't?That doesn't exist,darlin' "

Yes,he does have his own way with words,when he wants.

~~~~~

|°Shay°| :

Shay was a man of few words,he was a man of action.And,most of all,he knew you way too well:so you possibly and literally can't hide anything from him.

"I have eyes and ears everywhere,little dove,remember this" he said with a serious voice once he started to talk about that almost crucial subject,but the sly smile he had on his lips just betrayed (see what I did there?I'm not sorry) his deep tone.

So you two had a long,long talk,him letting you speak freely as much as you wanted and needed,for only starting to talk and to exprime his thoughts just after you finished.

You didn't had idea of how he could have been so convincing,firm and ardent and triumphant while trying to make you reason:trying to let you understand that you WILL get accepted in that college.

Giving you a severe,yet gentle expression,telling you that you didn't had to be preoccupied of anything.

For as much as Shay was hopeful,he also was very,very stubborn and consequently he made you become a bit stubborn too: you,scared and convinced that everything was going to be a distaster;him,angry and almost desperate to change your mind,wiping off those bad thoughts you had.

He even called Haytham,one day.You heard him talking to the older man one afternoon,and you immediately found Shay in the living room,approaching you as he handed you the phone.

Needless to say that Mr Kenway said the exact same things that your boyfriend told you all the time the other days.Haytham loosing himself in a long,philosophical and almost paternal speech.

And Shay was glad when he actually managed to change your mind,even if a little,relieved when he saw you starting to see and think about things in a different way.

So,when he noticed that you were calmer,he started to spoil you.

Bringing you out for a date in such a nice restaurant,spending the whole evening together.

Sex,a lot of sex,all around the house,comfort sex to relieve you and to make you relaxed.Worshipping you all the time,always.

Giving you his four-leaf clover that he kept wrapped in an old and ruined bag,placing it in your hand,closing them around it.

"I hope it'll bring me luck" raising your almost teary eyes on his warm brown ones,him just giving you a snarky smile.

"You make your own luck"

"And if you won't get in,I will hunt these bastards down" he might have said with a light tone and a vague gesture with his hand,making you amused,but...oh he was able to do that.

~~~~~

|°Arno°| :

Oh no...

You were convinced,more than anything,that Arno Dorian was a man who was able to read in your mind:he only needed an intense,deep stare at your eyes for finding out what was bothering you so much.

And when he finally understood what was wrong,he immediately...well.

If this man was anything,anxious was one of them.Quickly becoming anxious and preoccupied too,his thick eyebrows furrowed with worry as he sat beside you,taking your little hand in his big ones,bringing them up to his mouth,leaving a chaste kiss on the back of them.

"We can be anxious together,amour"

He tried to joke with a low voice,a bitter smile on his lips,hope starting to grow within himself as he saw the corner of your lips rising up slightly.

He had always known how much getting in that college was important for you.

The young man knew that so well:listening to you talking with passion about it,sharing with him your secrets and dreams;dreams and goals that he liked and shared a lot.

He loved seeing you so determinated and gritty about that: Arno knew that,if you wanted something,you HAD to get it,in all the ways you were capable of.And he was more than willing to help you.

But seeing all that passion,will and hope being overwhelmed by anxiety,worries and pessimism?

It was a big problem for Arno,too: he was so emphatic,and seeing you being so preoccupied just put him down.

The last thing he wanted for you was to be upset.So he tried his best to make you feel in a better mood,rising your spirit up by telling you that he truly and firmly believed in you and in your skills.

He truly did.Nothing fascinated Arno more than seeing how your eyes light up with that ardent glimpse whenever you talked about the things you were passionate about.

Cheering you up by preparing a hot bath,candles lit up all around the dark room as steam raised from the bathtub.

Cuddling together way more than before.Lots,tons of cuddles for you.

Distracting you by walking hand in hand in the city,in the middle of the night,enjoying the quiet and paceful atmosphere as you both silently talked about anything.

Forehead kisses. Oui.

Him reading out loud some of his favourite poems,his hands wandering in your ones,playing with your fingers as he continued to read for you,calming you down a lot.

"A croissant?"

That man makes love,he doesn't just fuck.

Arno was totally and utterly devoted towards you: a romantic man if you wish,a man who always gave you endless support and a man who would give his heart and soul to see,and make,you happy.

~~~~~

Ta daaa. Hope you liked them buddy ;) <3

(Also,a little note: I just hope I got their personality right?Especially with Shay,since I rarely have written something about him ;/)

Addio.

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pinkled5 · 4 years

Text

Writing Tips: The Art of “Digging” (Part 3)

In part 1 I discussed what “digging” is and why I consider it the single most important skill that separates good writers from great writers. In part 2 I gave an example of how I failed to do this in an action scene and how I tried to fix it. In this post I’m going to examine how digging works in a non-action scene, when digging around inside a character’s head.

The ability to get inside a character’s thoughts is what sets novels apart from all other forms of storytelling, and this advantage must not be overlooked. That being said, care must be taken to avoid the many pitfalls, which I will not discuss here. What I will do, however, is examine my own poor attempt at digging, and then see how I tried to fix it.

For a little background on this scene, Elsa has just had a confrontation with Kristoff and she lashed out in an unkind way, which she immediately regrets. Now alone, she considers what she’s done.

In my first iteration of Chapter 8, I didn’t dive into her thoughts properly and I was only able to dig up a single paragraph of “bones.” Note:

Elsa sat in her throne, hanging her head and trembling. She raised one hand to cover her face and quietly wept into the soft palm of her glove. She couldn't rid her mind of the words she had so thoughtlessly spoken to Kristoff. How could she have been so callous? The image of Anna's face hung like a specter before her mind's eye and she was unable to break free from the piercing accusation of its gaze. She sniffed and exhaled loudly, dabbing at her eyes with the back of her gloved hand. She couldn't spend the day feeling sorry for herself, there was no time for such worthless endeavors. She needed to get busy planning her sister's party, even if it meant she had to do it alone.

Notice how I focused more on the physical manifestations of her thoughts, rather than the thoughts themselves? This is a common error that us amateur writers make. Does the reader understand her feelings? Maybe. Can the reader feel what she’s feeling? Probably not.

Here is my attempt to fix this scene by digging deeper into what Elsa is thinking and feeling:

Elsa was no stranger to regret. It all started the night little five year old Anna snuck into her room, climbed on her bed, and coaxed her into coming to the ballroom to play. How she regretted ever getting out of that bed. How many times throughout the thirteen years of her isolation had she wished she could take that moment back, to change her mind and do the responsible, practical thing? Everything would’ve been different if she’d just stayed in bed.

But she hadn’t stayed in bed. She got up and followed Anna to the ballroom. She ignored that little voice in her head, the voice of common sense and reason. Elsa, it said, what would mother say if she saw you out roaming the halls when you’re supposed to be in bed? That’s not what good little girls do. Good little girls listen to their mothers! But she hadn’t listened, and by the time they reached the ballroom, shutting the doors behind them, that voice was all but gone, silenced by neglect. It didn’t protest when she conjured the snowflakes, it didn’t object when they ice skated around the room, and it didn’t complain as she made taller and taller mounds of snow, trying to keep up with her sister’s wild leaps. Even if it continued to sound the warning, would she have listened?

She hadn’t listened to her father. She was eight years old and her magic was getting stronger every day, and as her powers grew so did her father’s concern. Despite his repeated warnings to the contrary she had used the magic yet again. His voice boomed in her head as he burst through the ballroom doors, seeing the room encased in ice and Anna lying lifeless in her lap. “Elsa! What have you done? This is getting out of hand!”

She squeezed her eyes shut at the memory, but it wouldn’t go away.

That’s the funny thing about regret, she thought. Other emotions seemed to wane with the passage of time, whether it be sorrow, anger, or jealousy. She remembered how jealous she was of Anna growing up in the castle, her being free to go where she pleased and to spend time with their mother and father without fear of hurting them. How she wanted to have that life and how it vexed her that she couldn’t! And yet, when she recalled those memories the hurt and sadness seemed blunted by time, thinking about them no longer conjured those emotions.

Not so with regret. Despite the passage of time, whenever she was reminded of that fateful day in the ballroom her wounds felt fresh. Her entire life seemed like nothing but a long series of regrets. The memory of them played through her mind, stark and bitter moments chiding her for her carelessness. The moment she shunned her sister at her coronation. The moment she unleashed an unnatural winter. The moment she struck Anna upon the North Mountain. And now, the moment she’d lashed out at Kristoff, wounding with her words.

She buried her face in her hands, recalling the look on his face; she’d never seen him make that expression before. Kristoff wasn’t prone to displays of emotion, choosing instead to hide his feelings behind a wall of stoicism. Not even the unrelenting drought was able to erode this wall of resistance and the harder things got the more determined he seemed to not allow his fear and anxiety to show.

She understood what that was like, knew what sheer resolve it took to maintain such composure even as the world around them was crumbling. She thought about his ice business and how the drought devastated it. Elsa knew he must’ve been frustrated, angry and sad at the loss of the one activity he’d pinned his entire existence and identity on, but he didn’t show it. That’s what struck her the hardest. The loss of everything he loved hadn’t fazed him, and yet her words had hurt him so much she saw it in his eyes and in the corners of his mouth.

She felt like crying. She gritted her teeth, pushing hard against the lump in her throat.

Conceal, don’t feel.

She took a deep breath and exhaled, trying to expel the pain before it could overcome her. It was a skill, one she learned from her father and honed over the many years of her isolation. The trick was in the breathing, he’d said. He told her to imagine her pain as a cloud, a thick fog or smoke trapping all the bad feelings inside her, and she needed to breathe to get it out.

She inhaled through her nose, taking a slow breath and held it, imagining the fog of her pain swirling and collecting around the tightness in her chest. Then she exhaled, letting it seep out into the air. She did it again, and again, and it seemed to be working as it always had, focusing her thoughts and calming her mind. She relaxed her breathing and sat back in the throne. She thought the wave of emotion had passed, that she’d stemmed the feelings which would lead to tears, then she recalled Anna’s accusing glare and the disappointment in her eyes as she said, “How could you?”

It was too much. She put her face in her hands and wept into the palms of her gloves. She tried to stop but it was no use, and she had no choice but to let it run its course.

“Sometimes you just have to cry.” It was her mother’s voice, warm and soothing, reminding her, as she had on so many occasions, that she shouldn’t hide all her emotions all the time. “No one is that strong. Sometimes you just have to let it out.” But she didn’t want to, not here.

She took another breath and dried her eyes, remembering the two guards stationed outside the throne room. She didn’t want them to see her like this. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this.

She got up, wiping her face on the backs of her gloves. This was no time to feel sorry for herself, or wallow in the sadness of her regret. She’d just have to find a way to make it up to Kristoff. She didn’t know when or how, but she’d find a way. In the meantime, she had more important things to do than sit on her throne and cry.

She had an engagement celebration to plan, after all.

I think this is a lot better. By digging deeper into Elsa’s thoughts and feelings I’m attempting to draw the reader into her plight, I want to do more than just show them that she’s upset by presenting emotional cues, I want them to experience her distress along with her. Whether I accomplished that or not, I don’t know, but the point remains the same. The deeper we dig into a character, including their thoughts and experiences, the more the reader will feel a connection to them.

This completes the examination of my own failings and attempts to fix them. In part 4, I’ll show how a published author and master of the craft shows us what expert digging looks like.

#writing tips #writingtips #writing #writing advice

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pseudoneiiric · 3 years

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meta post: ocd, mysophobia, and a revelation on my part.

not to mention that a really important part of lili’s backstory is… her germaphobia. she has persistent delusions accompanied by visual hallucinations where she sees people as “parasites”, which visually manifests as them rotting or decomposing. because of that, she wears gloves all the time and is repulsed by physical touch. but when she meets c (whose real name is vincent) in person, she pretty much instantly goes for skin-to-skin contact with him, where she takes off her glove and holds his hand. and like, sure, that’s sweet, but that’s really not how mental illness… works. in the slightest. she doesn’t react at all when his hand touches hers, despite the fact that she has literally had panic attacks in canon from touching things without her gloves. and it gives off this implication that mental illness can be cured with romance somehow, and that’s a really bad take!

this feeds into fandom understanding that like, well, if lilian sees vincent as pure and allows him to touch her, then Obviously she’d let him kiss her, they could probably have sex, etc. and like… she’s canonically asexual though! and that brings us to the other implication, that asexuality is somehow… caused by something. like, there’s nothing in canon to state that lilian experiences sexual attraction (or even really romantic attraction, like i know etherane went off in heaven’s gate and did a lot of ship tease, but she never really outright says she’s crushing on anyone), but judging from the way etherane handled lilian’s gender identity, i have a sneaking suspicion that she established lilian’s asexuality with her mental illnesses specifically in mind. lilian’s autistic, germaphobic, has severe ocd, and she’s been sexually assaulted in the past. therefore, she must be asexual! that’s the sort of vibes i get from the game, and im not here for it.

— me, circa november 2020

the other day, i was writing a crossover ship fic for lilian when i ran into a problem. namely, the Touch Aversion problem. at first glance, the reasoning behind lilian’s touch aversion seems really simple: she hates germs and dirty things, so she wears gloves and washes her hands so frequently that they blister. since she has ocd and mysophobia, it makes sense for her to be obsessive about cleanliness and for her passive skill to be listed as cleaning. she doesn’t touch q84 in canon even in life-threatening situations, except for the very end, because she hates touching people. when anri kissed her, lilian was so grossed out that she imagined anri as a parasite. and when it comes to her taking off her glove and holding vincent’s hand... well,

but upon replaying hello charlotte 3 and doing a little bit of digging with regards to the actual symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder and mysophobia, i realized something. and this “something” was a game-changer.

so let’s start off by defining some things. obsessive-compulsive disorder, shortened to ocd, has several diagnostic criteria, which you can read here if you’d like the full clinical definition. for the sake of length, though, i will only talk about the most important part to take away from the diagnostic criteria.

ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd. is. not. a fucking fear of germs. obsessions may involve cleanliness. compulsions may include wanting areas to be clean. it is entirely possible for ocd to be accompanied by mysophobia, but a fear of germs is not inherent to the diagnosis of ocd. what is inherent to the diagnosis of ocd is a repeated and pervasive series of intrusive thoughts which cause the person with ocd debilitating anxiety or distress, and a set of compulsions that the person with ocd performs in order to mitigate said anxiety. these compulsions do not need to correspond to the actual obsession. a lot of obsessions don’t. for example, your obsession could be around disliking cluttered environments, but your compulsion could be pacing a hallway fourteen times back and forth while mentally reciting the preamble to the american constitution. in some cases, the compulsion is related to the obsession but is generally considered excessive. remember that ocd is not characterized by a need for cleanliness and that it is instead characterized by ritualistic behaviour accompanied by obsessive thought patterns.

i also want to talk about this section in particular, taken from the website linked above:

D. The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder (e.g., excessive worries, as in generalized anxiety disorder; preoccupation with appearance, as in body dysmorphic disorder; difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, as in hoarding disorder; [ ... ] ritualized eating behavior, as in eating disorders; [ ... ] thought insertion or delusional preoccupations, as in schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders; or repetitive patterns of behavior, as in autism spectrum disorder).

Specify if:

With good or fair insight: The individual recognizes that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are definitely or probably not true or that they may or may not be true.

With poor insight: The individual thinks obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are probably true.

With absent insight/delusional beliefs: The individual is completely convinced that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are true.

i want to let the record show that lilian has several of these disorders. while i don’t believe that this disqualifies her from having ocd, i do think it’s important to note that there is comorbidity between these disorders.

i included this section on inslght because i’m going to go into depth why i believe lilian has absent insight/delusional beliefs. but in order to talk about that, we need to figure out just what it is that lilian is obsessively thinking, what it is that’s causing her so much distress. if ocd doesn’t inherently involve a need for cleanliness, then could it be that lilian’s obsessions revolve around her mysophobia? after all, mysophobia is germaphobia, so maybe she’s just scared of germs, and that’s why she’s always washing her hands.

so, let’s talk about mysophobia. it isn’t listed under the dsm v on its own, but it does exist (albeit not by name) under the umbrella term specific phobia disorder. you can look that up yourself, but from the research i’ve done, i can fairly safely say this: mysophobia, more commonly referred to as germaphobia, is not a fear of germs for the sake of fearing germs. it is a fear of being contaminated, sick, or infected, whether it be through other people or through the environment. symptoms of mysophobia include but are not limited to obsessive handwashing, an extreme avoidance of places that are deemed unclean, and excessive planning to avoid contamination. this separates it from ocd in that ocd involves ritualistic behaviours (like handwashing) to ease anxiety, whereas mysophobia involves these ritualistic behaviours to actually make the area cleaner. to summarize, mysophobic actions are directly related to the fear of contracting an illness.

okay, kids, what have we learned?

though ocd can be accompanied by mysophobia, the two of them are not synonymous. ocd is a pattern of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours designed to ease anxiety surrounding those thoughts.

there are lots of comorbidities present with ocd and other disorders lilian has, such as autism spectrum disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders, and psychotic disorders.

mysophobia is more accurately defined as being afraid of being infected or contaminated. mysophobic compulsions relate directly to the desire to eliminate contaminants, rather than being a self-soothing action to reduce anxiety.

now that we’ve laid the groundwork for analyzing lilian’s behaviour, let’s dive into canon. what can we say about lilian’s anxious preoccupations? what excessive planning does she undergo to avoid contact with germs? and, most importantly, why is she perfectly fine with holding vincent’s hand? (it’s still bad writing, but i found an explanation that makes it better)

the most obvious sign of both ocd and mysophobia present in canon is lilian’s intense preoccupation with handwashing. we only see this happen once, in hello charlotte 2.

i’ve removed some sections for the sake of length, but here are some revealing lines from lilian:

My fellow students smashed my head into a worm soup.

I can’t [stop washing my hands]. I’ve washed off [most] of the soup, but I still feel dirtied.

In fact, everything I touch feels contaminated. I can’t just shake off the feeling of disgust.

between ocd and mysophobia, this reaction seems very solidly linked to the latter. lilian’s head was dunked into soup, and she felt disgusted and contaminated, so she began to obsessively wash the soup away. the only other place where handwashing is mentioned is in lilian’s mind exhibition in hello charlotte 3.

in this poem, lilian attributes her handwashing to her ocd, where she writes, “wash and repeat! it’s not enough!” she doesn’t state in this poem if she does this to reduce the possibility of getting sick or if she does this as a compulsive ritual. both interpretations are plausible, given the vague statement “it’s not enough!”. perhaps it’s not enough because she still feels contaminated, or it’s not enough because she has not been rid of the anxiety caused by her intrusive thoughts. maybe it’s a little bit of both.

however, excessive handwashing does not a disorder make. sure, lilian washes her hands until they blister, but why? what is she trying to avoid? in the example in hello charlotte 2, she’s washing off soup. this is a direct response to an uncomfortable situation and not to an anxious preoccupation. in her poem, she offers no hint as to what is causing her so much anxiety that she needs to wash her hands compulsively. and once you start to pick through her behaviour in search of a thread of obsessive thinking, it starts to become clear that there might not be one.

the truth is, lilian’s actions in canon are generally inconsistent given the definitions listed above. her touch aversion is implied to be caused by her mysophobia, but she has no real plan for avoiding touch besides wearing gloves, which she ditches anyway when touching vincent. in heaven’s gate, it’s implied to be more of an aromantic or asexual thing. (i say aromantic because the scene was a little weird about not dividing the line between romantic and sexual attraction, so even though lilian’s canonically asexual, the scene was actually talking about kissing and dating and might have just been a ploy to get nonconsensual kissing in because that’s apparently mandatory in like every game anri appears in.) but that doesn’t make much sense either, considering that platonic and otherwise non-sexual touch is also off-limits.

we return to the intense, excessive and obsessive nature of both ocd and mysophobia. passing fears of contamination or infection don’t classify as mysophobia, and vague and isolated anxieties don’t classify as ocd. the individual has to be intensely preoccupied by these thoughts. however, in canon, lilian is generally not preoccupied with getting sick or dirty until it actually happens to her. her goal in life is to become a doctor, a profession that involves repeated and close contact with infectious diseases. she also takes care of her bedridden mother, which in many cases involves helping the individual with their personal hygiene. her mother is the reason why she wants to become a doctor in the first place, and since anri knows about this dream, it’s fairly safe to assume that this is lilian’s own dream, not scarlett’s. however, in hello charlotte 3, when q84 is wounded, she asks lilian to treat her wounds, and lilian’s response is as follows:

this is further reinforced when q84 is decomposing after having used her wish, and umbrella man states that lilian is fighting the urge to vomit. however, in the infirmary scene, lilian is quite comfortable with being physically close to q84, even when there is a possibility for skin contact. note how charlotte’s hair (which has the possibility of carrying bacteria, skin flakes, etc.) is close to lilian’s face, but how lilian seems quite content, even relaxed.

this is stressful! what is the truth?

on top of that, we know for a fact that, despite being mysophobic, lilian has no issue (at least in hello charlotte 2) with using public bathrooms at school, something that is generally a huge obstacle for people struggling with mysophobia. in true realm, this is never addressed, which lends credence to the idea that she simply doesn’t worry about the transmission of germs in shared spaces like bathrooms, nor is she worried at all about using anri’s smartphone to take blackmail pictures when screens are generally a hotbed of germs. we could say that she makes such liberal use of her gloves that she doesn’t even think about the germs living on them (unlikely), but then she’d likely have a panic attack when she does things like touch her face, which she does in at least one of her sprites.

in fact, the only thought she has about cleanliness in true realm flashbacks is in one of the final ones. she thinks the following: “we lie on the floor for a long time. i briefly wonder if it’s properly vacuumed.” this is, like, a normal thought. i can’t stress enough how normal this thought is and how quickly this thought passes. i cannot stress enough how little she cares about the cleanliness of this floor.

so, like, what gives? why does lilian wear gloves? why does she say she’s squeamish in false realm or want to throw up when holding charlotte? and most importantly, how is she mysophobic when she doesn’t seem to fear germs at all?

the answer fucking blew my mind, folks. are you ready? here it is.

This world is swarming with parasites. Tiny. Invisible. Tenacious. Once they outwit your immune system, they eat you from the inside. Use you as an incubator for their offspring. Control your mind and alter your personality. They keep reproducing, and reproducing, and reproducing, endlessly reproducing. Until every single person is consumed by the disease.

from this excerpt, we can glean the following:

the parasite lilian is describing is a disease that targets the immune system;

the parasite functions by controlling its host like a puppet and altering aspects of their personality, potentially causing them to act in a way that is uncharacteristic; and

the parasite’s goal is to reproduce and to eventually infect everyone in the world.

these are the very first lines in the very first flashback to true realm. an echoing of these very lines are found later, when lilian is saying them to q84. note that, according to etherane, it has been many, many years since these words have first been uttered. but lilian manages to quote them verbatim. given that she can recite these lines perfectly years after her death, it seems that this is a comforting mantra about the world’s truths. and from that, we can gather that repeating this mantra is one of her compulsions, alongside handwashing.

this is it. this is the root of lilian’s mysophobia. these lines accurately explain a pervasive delusion that manifests both in lilian’s thoughts and in her visual hallucinations. more accurately, it is the mantra that describes the “o” in lilian’s ocd and the illness that causes her mysophobia. the parasite is the disease she’s afraid of contracting, and that fear is the intrusive thought that brings her so much anxiety. i tried to compile a list of all the times lilian or someone modelled after her has mentioned contamination, a preoccupation with purity, a parasite, a tumour, rottenness, or anything relating to this core concept, but there was just... so much. the entire world of hello charlotte is based around parasites and mind control. the deus ex machina of this world is a parasite itself. all charlottes have the disease. this world is literally obsessed with the delusion lilian’s held her whole life.

and now that we’ve framed it like that... is it any wonder that this is the obsessive thought? something we’d previously assumed to be a persistent metaphor is actually an intense preoccupation. lilian’s inconsistent actions in canon make sense because she’s not worried about contracting a physical illness, but rather a mental one that’s linked to a persistent delusion of hers. throughout canon, we see no instances of lilian questioning this belief, leading her to be classified as having absent insight/delusional beliefs.

before i continue, i want to mention that the pitfall many hello charlotte fans fall into, and the one i myself have fallen into in the past, is assuming that lilian was always unable to touch others. though she wears gloves throughout the entirety of the true realm flashbacks, she was actually alright with making contact with others up until a specific point in her life. and, interestingly enough, it was not vincent's death that spurred on this change. a full three months pass between his death and the time when lilian's mental health took a nosedive. the critical moment of change involves the very last flashback: 531 days before the trial.

lilian and anri decide to run away together. however, lilian was actually planning a double suicide. upon learning this, anri grows agitated, punching lilian and pinning her down to the floor. it's at this point that lilian realizes anri's feelings for her. after anri kisses her, she becomes a parasite. when lilian gets home, she checks on mother and realizes that mother has become a parasite as well.

from this day onwards, lilian begins to see everyone in her life as a parasite. she says it herself: "That moment I realized. I could never touch a human being ever again." this is the start of her intense touch aversion and marks the beginning of the end of her life. it’s at this point that lilian becomes physically repulsed by everyone around her and the environment she exists in, and these feelings generally persist, albeit on a lesser scale, in false realm.

but what is the parasite? in true realm, the parasite is only described in lilian’s mantra, but there are several nuances to the definition that go unexplained. however, in false realm, parasites take a variety of forms. similarly to how scarlett and umbrella man are reflections of lilian’s inner self that take shape as their own entities within false realm, lilian’s definitions for what a parasite is also breaks off and takes shape into various different forms after her death. when we examine what parasites are in false realm, we can begin to understand what makes someone turn into a physical deformity in lilian’s eyes and why she’s so afraid of the parasite in the first place.

there are three kinds of deformities in false realm. there is the oracle (left), the bullies (upper-right), and the faceless (lower-right). these are not all official terms, but they’ll be the ones that i use going forward.

the oracle is the entity that most closely follows the original logic of the mantra — it is an entity that rapidly multiplies (either through a race like the pythias or organically through cell division as it does in hello charlotte 3) and forms a collective out of several individuals. hello charlotte 2 explains that unification of a civilization is an arduous and painful procedure involving the slow loss of individuality until the race completely submits to the will of the parasitic host. the oracle is, to summarize, an entity that can “control your mind and alter your personality”. the oracle is the only parasite that ever enters another’s body. the other two forms of parasites are never called parasites themselves, but show visible deformities that house tenants and other important characters do not.

the faceless visually signify a lack of importance. these people do not do anything special. in some cases, they appear as a literal amalgamate, showing a hive-mindedness even if they are not being controlled by the oracle. these individuals are usually treated neutrally, and are not generally considered “bad”. they are simply narratively unimportant. by contrast, bullies do have faces, but they are vastly distorted and exhibit bright colouring. i may talk a bit more in a future post about colour symbolism and how it plays into both lilian’s and q84′s mysophobias, but to briefly summarize: the presence of colour is considered a contaminant, whereas white is considered an absence of colour and therefore “pure”. therefore, the brightly-coloured bullies are contaminated. these individuals show corrupted behaviour. they hurt others for personal gain, and are generally considered irredeemable.

in true realm, however, we see no such stylistic distinction. however, though they are not represented visually, the parasites in true realm show the same patterns as the oracle, the bullies, and the faceless. .

now that we have determined what the parasite is, we can determine how the parasite spreads. as previously stated, the parasite does not spread through shared surfaces or skin contact, as normal viruses do. lilian herself seems to treat it like it's just chance, like the parasite just chose to infect people randomly. but there are some things that she says that lends credence to the idea that the parasite is discriminate. after all, though her delusional belief is that the parasite will attach itself to any host it comes into contact with, this delusional belief did come from somewhere. and after examining the process of contamination over the course of the two or so years we see of her life, i believe this belief stemmed from her black-and-white views on good and evil and her penchant to see life as a narrative.

the first outcropping of parasites in lilian’s life were likely the faceless. she seems much less perturbed by them, and seem to view them as simply background pieces. this may be because of her belief in “protagonist” characters. in false realm, q84 makes liberal use of the term “npcs”, though all charlottes seem to have a concept of other students being faceless and subservient to them. this is a tenuous connection, but i believe lilian shares a similar belief. she may consider others "narratively unimportant”; that is, lacking direction or initiative, or perhaps simply not making an impact. she prides herself on being an observer, but she is undeniably the self-hating protagonist of her story. she says that if there is an afterlife, she doesn’t want to be its protagonist. this implies that on some level, she’s considered herself the protagonist of her own life. it’s definitely plausible given lilian’s tendency to project negative traits on others for her to see herself as comparatively good or blameless. by placing her own negative traits onto scarlett, for example, lilian creates a shaky ideal self. in other words, she creates a somewhat worthy protagonist.

and worthiness is incredibly important to lilian. a strong recurring theme in hello charlotte is the notion of “goodness”, especially when it relates to being polite. for example, in hello charlotte 1, a door refuses to open for you if you don't say please, and will call you insolent. all charlottes strive to be a “good girl” because their mothers told them to. interestingly enough, this is also what lilith tells lilian in true realm. since all charlottes have this strict adherence to being a good girl, this must have been very impactful for lilian. being considered “good” must have been very important to her. and being considered “bad” must have been similarly devastating.

knowing that charlotte is lilian's self-insert oc makes things even clearer. charlotte embodies an extreme selflessness, wanting to sacrifice herself for the good of others at any cost. any desire she has to be saved is rapidly dismissed as selfish, and she repeatedly states that she doesn't want to be a burden. charlotte's character makes a clear statement: good people are not burdensome. good people have faith in humanity. good people believe in others, and they help others even if the other person doesn’t deserve it.

the delusion is lilian’s failsafe. it’s her way of ensuring that she could never consider herself a bad person or a burden. in creating the narrative of a contagious parasite infecting the world, lilian is protecting herself from personal responsibility, both in herself and in others. instead of maintaining her belief that some people are evil, which she would consider a Bad Belief to have, she believes that they have simply caught a contagious disease. the bad-person disease, if you will. and since that disease alters the mind and personality of its hosts, these people are not directly responsible for their actions. here, lilian is absolved of hating people who hurt others. now, like charlotte, she can simply wish for their recovery. because they aren’t choosing to hurt others. they’re being manipulated into it by an invisible, malicious, contagious puppeteer.

a similar logic is applied to those lilian finds burdensome. since good people, in her eyes, can make themselves a martyr no matter the circumstances, it would be considered very bad if lilian could not do the same. this is evidenced when mother turns into a parasite. in that scene, lilian thinks the following:

It'd be easier if my mom was a workaholic who was never home. It'd be easier if we hated each other. It'd be easier if I didn't remember the days when she was still full of energy. Who would want to admit [to] their parent giving up on life and slowly rotting in the bedroom? Who would admit to thinking of their only parent as a parasitic existence? After that day, nothing was the same anymore.

in this instance, the word “parasite” is used to describe a leech, someone who constantly takes and never gives back. and in using this word to describe them, lilian relegates them in her mind as bullies, because she can’t admit to feeling burdened.

we see this also in anri. it’s not the physical action of the kiss that turns anri into a parasite. it’s the realization that anri has always had ulterior motives, that anri expects something of lilian. and lilian, feeling burdened, projects her own guilt about her lack of reciprocation onto anri. even at the end of her life, when she’s in the ocean, she reveals that one of her greatest regrets is not being able to reciprocate anri’s feelings.

vincent, on the other hand, is a charming stranger. he never gives lilian any reason to suspect that he may have ulterior motives. he’s successful, driven, popular, and talented. in many ways, he’s everything lilian wants to be. and since she doesn’t meet him for a long time, she can imagine him to be simply “the blinding icon on her screen“. she can project anything she wants onto him, and she chooses to project hope onto him. with his politeness, his charm, his compliments, he appears to be the ideal human. like lilian, he has managed to avoid being infected by the parasite. lilian grows attached to this interpretation, just as she grows attached to the mutuality of her friendship with anri, and just as she grows attached to her love for her mother. lilian doesn’t want to think of these people as parasites. in vincent’s case, he dies before he ever gets the chance to burden her. rather, he leaves her with the guilt of not being able to follow him and a misplaced idolatry of him and his beliefs.

the parasite, being a visual representation of perceived evil intent, seems to be non-contagious in nature. this doesn’t change, though, that lilian believes it is contagious. she wants to spend time with people she has deemed good, and to avoid bullies. however, the simple act of feeling burdened is enough to make lilian believe that the parasite is spreading at a breakneck rate and that the world she lives in is becoming more and more contaminated. once she feels she’s lost her support system, the parasite begins to spread, and she begins to feel less and less inherently good. it’s clear that the people around her had a stabilizing effect on her. but once she feels abandoned, her unhealthy coping mechanisms begin to catch up to her. lilian describes herself as filthy by the end of her life, and it’s very likely that she feared becoming a parasite herself if she were to continue down the path she was on.

the last piece of the puzzle is this: what saved anri and mother for so long, and what saved vincent from becoming a parasite altogether? after all, anri is a perfect candidate for developing the parasite, and arguably, so is mother. both of them rely on lilian for different things, and anri actively engages in blackmail. it would be simple as well to see c as disingenuous or fake. but lilian doesn’t entertain any of those thoughts, either for a very long time or at all. why?

the answer is simple. the people that lilian loves are less likely to be infected by the parasite. even if they are infected, she is kinder to them. after anri says she’ll leave lilian, after her confession and her subsequent contamination, lilian lets anri cuddle her. she even hugs anri tightly before they part, and keeps in contact with her until... well, just before she commits suicide. despite the relationship between lilian and her mother being one-sided, lilian holds onto pleasant memories of her mother because she doesn’t want to believe that she could feel burdened. and lilian is so attached to her love for c that she doesn’t see anything wrong with him.

all of this is to say that lilian’s touch aversion does not stem from physical cleanliness, but rather her perception of the other’s purity. this means that she’s not only willing to touch others if she deems them a “good person”, but that she is actively okay with it. this is evidenced even in false realm, where she is alright with exchanging casual moments of intimacy with charlotte and q84, such as in the “take my hand” scene and in the infirmary scene. since she loves these individuals, she sees them as inherently better people than she would if she viewed them objectively. this is a game-changer when it comes to touch-aversion. with respect to the charles/vincent ships where lilian’s okay with kissing... that’s a different story. even though saliva may not trigger her mysophobia, we’ve seen on multiple occasions both in canon and in heaven’s gate that lilian is indifferent to mouth-kissing at best. however, she is definitely comfortable with some displays of physical affection with those she cares for, and is generally willing to excuse much more when it comes to those she loves.

thank you for reading this post in its entirety! i did not expect it to get this long, so if you got to the end, i just want you to know i love and appreciate you SO much

#lilian eyler: study.#body horror //#unsanitary //#suicide //#long post //#the way that i still feel like i have more to say #this post got SO long but i care about her so much

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gerberbabey · 4 years

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sad saturdays | kiara carrera

2nd part of cocaine. this goes out to that one anon.

masterlist | cocaine series : 1 | 3

summary: Kie spends her Saturday inside.

warnings: more of that gay shit, im high so the writing is bad (well the writings always bad), angst, cursing, mentions of depression, more of me being collectively obsessed w both Euphoria and Outerbanks

♫ Sad Saturdays by JOBA ♫

Kie wondered if perhaps she should call 911. Her chest was hurting so much that she was so sure it was a heart attack. She’d even stayed up at 3 AM googling everything she was feeling and what it could possibly mean but she only ended up self-diagnosing herself with cancer. It probably wasn’t cancer.

“Kie...sweetheart?” her mom stood at her doorway.

Kie hummed from where she was buried under her covers.

“Baby, do you need anything?”

“Mmmno...”

Kie waited for her door to shut before she peaked over her shoulder to see if her mom had actually left. Seeing that the woman was gone, Kie sighed and turned over to lay on her back. She tried to think about the last time she felt this terrible. Physically she was probably fine, she’d felt worse before (the pain in her chest really wasn’t the worst of it). Emotionally and mentally? That one was kind of hard to pinpoint.

Her generation was practically founded on not being the mentally strongest. As fucked up as that sounded, considering how depressing shit was because of the older generation, she thought she was pretty justified in her thinking. She didn’t want to think too hard about it.

“Fuck....” she mumbled as she felt her lip quiver.

Kie sucked in her cheeks and tried to blink away the tears gathering at her eyes.

She’d been in bed for 3 days now. Meaning it’s been 3 days since she kissed you and ran. Kie instructed her mom that if anyone came around she didn’t want to see them. Kie’s mom was reluctant of course, she didn’t want her daughter isolating herself willingly when she knew that being alone was something she’d struggled with before. But she followed her daughter’s wishes.

Even if that meant turning you away more than once in the past three days. __________________

“Sexuality is a spectrum. It’s not like anyone’s 100% straight or 100% gay.”

Kie made a face as she laid her head against your shoulder. The two of you had started binge-watching Euphoria as soon as all the episodes had gotten released and it was now 3 am and the two of you were well into the show.

“There are people who are definitely 100% gay,” Kie argued and you hummed in response, trying to pay attention to both her and the show, “One of my cousins is 100% gay. Women do not and could not ever do it for him.”

You paused the show as you realized you couldn’t multitask in this situation.

“I don’t think she even really realizes what she’s saying Kie,” you explained once you noticed how bothered Kie seemed to be by the line. Kie didn’t even really understand it herself but she was heated. Kie wasn’t really one for staying in and watching shows. If anything your entire friend group tended to not stay in and do stuff like that. You and the boys didn’t really have subscriptions to streaming services (sometimes you didn’t even have working cable to watch TV) yet you had seen the trailers for the show and had insisted that the two of you watch it. Kie couldn’t really say no to you.

“I don’t know, for a show that’s representing so much, that seems really out of place. I don’t know what the writers were thinking.”

“I mean Maddy’s a character who’s just trying to calm her aggressive abusive boyfriend down. I don’t think she herself understands what “Sexuality is a spectrum’ means. I don’t think the writers are putting it off as anything bad.”

Kie could feel herself calming down as you spoke to her. You had that weird effect on her.

“Do you get what it means?” the question came out before she could even really think about it and Kie felt her chest tighten up in instant regret.

As open as the Pogues were with one another, it was just different when it came down to deep shit. JJ despised talking about his dad, Pope rarely opened up about his anxiety and the pressure he felt, the topic of Kie’s year at the Kook academy wasn’t even an option, John B denied any negativity on the topic of his father, and you avoided even saying the words “mom” or “dad” when it came to your own parents.

The topic of sexuality wasn’t exactly a common conversation topic.

Kie wasn’t sure what she was afraid of. Would you connect the question back to her sexuality? Would that connection reveal her feelings for you? Would you scoff at the idea of believing Kie loved you?

She knew that she wasn’t afraid of any type of homophobia. Especially not from you.

“Yeah I mean remember when Kat was explaining it to her. She said at the end of each spectrum is gay and straight. Maddy probably just understood wrong cus her boyfriend’s an asshole. But yeah like sexuality is a spectrum,” Kie blinked at that, “I mean like I’ve never dated a girl but I’m not on the 100% straight part of the spectrum. If being gay was a choice, I wouldn’t like men at all.”

Kie didn’t really accomplish much that night. You were still opposed to the idea of love. You still didn’t know about her feelings. Nothing had really changed.

But that night, Kie felt happier than she had in a while.

________

Kie recalled the episode of Euphoria where Rue had gone through a depressive episode and it led to a kidney infection. Kie was terrified of the idea as a whole and had forced herself to get up and use the bathroom.

Pushing the bathroom door open she dragged her feet as she made her trek back to her room. It was at the most a few feet but damn did it make her tired. Her head felt heavy on her shoulders and her body ached. She wouldn’t be surprised if she’d somehow caught a fever in the midst of all of this. She’d forced her body through an entirely different routine for the past three days.

“Jesus Kie.”

Kie jumped at that and nearly screamed at the sight of JJ.

“Shit! JJ what the hell are you doing here?! You scared the fuck out of me!”

“Sorry jeez,” JJ put his hands up in defense, “We were worried and your mom wasn’t letting anyone see you so I snuck in through your back door,” JJ’s casual way of speaking left Kie speechless.

“What the fuck JJ....Don’t you have like work? Or something better to do on a Saturday than break into my house?”

“Well I have today off actually. John B and Pope are both working and (Y/N)’s sick too so I don’t-”

“Wait what?” Kie backtracked for a moment, “(Y/N)’s sick?”

“Yeah I mean I don’t know-”

“How do you not know JJ!”

“I just-I don’t know, (Y/N) just said she was sick, why are you yelling at me?!”

Kie pressed her hands to her face in frustration. Even when you weren’t around her you were still somehow affecting her emotionally.

“JJ I really cannot have you here right now ok, I need you to go,” Kie motioned to her door but JJ wasn’t having it. Kie hadn’t spoken to any of them in the past 3 days and he knew it had something to do with you. You weren’t telling him anything either but he was more observant than you thought. You had fallen off the face of the earth at the exact same time as Kie and the only time you responded to any of his texts was when you were telling him you couldn’t hang out with the Pogues because you needed to check on Kie.

“No ok I’m not dumb, did something happen between you and (Y/N)? Are you two fighting or something?”

“No JJ-”

“Then what? Did someone break the fucking girl code?”

“NO!”

“Did she hook up with a guy you called dibs on-”

“I KISSED HER!”

Kie sucked in a breath as she and JJ looked at each other in the eye. The shock was clear on his expression.

“I kissed (Y/N)...because,” Kie’s shoulders shook, “Because I love her. But she-she won’t love me back.”

“What...you don’t know that Kie,” JJ tried to soothe as Kie began to sob, her hands shaking.

“I do, ok, I do know. (Y/N) has been...hurt so much, and I wish I could help her fucking love again, as cheesy as that sounds, but she has been pretty straightforward about how she feels about crap like that.”

JJ clenched his jaw and fidgeted with his hands. He was completely out of his element in this type of situation. He wasn’t exactly the best example of anything that regarded relationships or even opening up about feelings and here was his best friend venting to him about his other best friend. If he was being completely honest he thought he was going to have this conversation with Pope about Kie, not Kie about you.

“I love her JJ...” Kie sobbed and JJ licked his lips then his eyes and attention flickered off to the side at the sight of movement.

Kie turned at that and back into her room and nearly into JJ at the sight of you standing in her doorway.

You bit at your cheek as you looked at the two of them.

“Hey Kie....”

part 3?

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anxiousgirlblog · 4 years

Text

10 ways to calm anxiety

We have all at some points in our life felt the cripling feeling of anxiety. I myself have been dealing with a social anxiety disorder for many years now. This means I have lot of experience in handling and calming my anxiety. This is a list of tips (that have worked for me) on how to calm down anxiety or anxious feelings. Just remember that everyone’s anxiety is different and the best thing you can do is to get professional help.

1. Talk to someone

I have always been prone to bottle up my feelings and try not to think about my worries. But instead of forgetting about them, they become even more consuming. It is therefore always a good idea to get it out and a good way to do this, is to talk about it with somebody. Tell your therapist, your parent, your friend, your teacher or someone else about what is making you anxious. If you don't really know what the trigger is then just talk about what you are feeling. When you have talked about it with someone you will likely feel a bit lighter.

2. Write it down

If you don't feel like talking to someone another good way to get some of your worries and anxiety out is to write it down. There is something calming about getting your thoughts and feelings out of your head and down on paper.

3. Be creative

Another way to cope with anxiety is to use it to make art. If you like to draw, paint, write poems, write songs or something else creative, use your feelings and thoughts to create something. It doesn't need to be a masterpiece but it is a good way to express your feelings and work through some of your worries.

4. Get moving

Exercise can be a good tool calming anxiety. It is a way to distract yourself and focus on something else for a moment. Feeling your body will likely take focus away from your anxious feelings and you will likely feel impowered and strong after a nice workout.

5. Relax

Even though it can be nice to use and feel your body through exercise, sometimes you just don't have the energy or urge to get moving. Worrying and feeling anxious takes a lot of energy and you therefore need time to recharge. It is importend that you allow yourself to relax.

6. Listen to music

If I'm feeling anxious I like to have headphones on and listen to some good music. Make a playlist of songs that you found soothing so when you are in need you have a playlist of songs that can calm you.

7. Go outside

For me being outside in nature is a very therapeutic thing. There is something so calming about being in surroundings of nature. Go to a beautiful place and feel the powers of the nurturing mother nature. Listen to the wind, the sea, the birds, and think of the fact that you are a part of this big beautiful world.

8. Indulge yourself

When your mind is tangled in a mess you have to remember to treat yourself right. You should be extra nice to yourself and indulge in things you like. This could be a good book, your favorite movie, ice cream, a cup of tea, etc.

9. Be near animals

Animals have a calming energy about them. If you have a pet go cuddle it. Many animals are very aware of our feelings and will try to comfort us. If you don't have a pet then go somewhere there are animals like for example outside where there are birds or to a farm where there are cows or horses. .

10. Ask for help

And at last if your anxiety is too consuming and you can't seem to do anything to make it better it is differently importend that you ask for help. Use the resources that are available to you and get help from professionals.

Thank you for reading. I really hope you found it useful. If you ever need someone to talk to, you are welcome to write me.

Love Frida

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goshikitsutomusmommy · 4 years

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hi, im so excited for your matchup event!! if its not too much trouble, id like a male matchup please.

top 3 traits:

i’m really good at academics which is helpful bc i want to become a med student and doctor eventually. success in my career is my greatest and arguably most important motivation

introvert who sometimes enjoys hanging out with friends but that rarely happens. idk if it’s because i get social anxiety from being around people, especially new people, but i don’t enjoy it and i’m always super aware of my actions/appearance and i rarely speak. my voice is naturally quiet so that doesn’t help either (i’m a leo surprisingly)

i’m a very agreeable person but that might just stem from my fear of disappointing people. i have a hard time saying no and usually will prioritize someone else’s wants before my own

flaws

damn there’s a lot uh

the best way to hide any insecurities is to slap a superiority complex over them 😎

very little of my self worth comes from myself. it’s always academics, appearance, and others’ opinions of me that make up my confidence

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

but once i am attached, i suck at letting go and probably forgive more easily than i should

growing up, appearance was something i always struggled with so now i’m always super conscious of it. its probably not obvious at first because i love to say “oh the reason _____ happened is because i’m hot isn’t it” since i love projecting confidence and it’s so much easier to do that than actually self reflect on what im doing wrong

ANYWAYS, moving on 😀

likes:

caffeine (monster energy, coffee, whatever)

cats

the adrenaline rush from roller coasters

online shopping

doing makeup/planning outfits

sleeping at 4am

spicy stuff that hurt so badly to eat

grocery shopping

hanging out with friends in the middle of the night

dislikes

spending too much time outside

loud people (sometimes)

public speaking

my glasses

bugs. i don’t care if it’s a butterfly- those are just normal bugs with pretty privilege >:(

having bad skin/not wearing makeup

DEHYDRATION. i literally drink 11 cups of water a day

turnoffs:

being rude to waiters. that’s a one way ticket to getting ghosted

clinginess. i need time to myself sometimes and i really hope my partner would understand that

too much commitment. i’ve been told i love you after talking to someone for 2 weeks (apparently they’ve known me for longer but that’s a different thing entirely) we no longer talk

any use of the 🥺 emoji especially when paired with “haha yeah i get why u don’t like me. no girl likes me. i guess nice guys finish last” 🤢🤢🤢🤢

hobbies:

logic puzzles

baking

spotify playlist making

candy crush type games

exercise

any type of self care

reading random, specific stuff. for example, i got super into the language of flowers before

there’s a lot uh

thank you so much for doing this!! i appreciate all the time you put into writing, to make people smile, and i look forward to anything you come up with!!

I Match You with Shirabu;—

When I read your first trait, I already thought about Shirabu, and the more I read, the more your compatibility grew!

Shirabu is extremely academically intelligent and plans to become a medical student as well! His intelligence is always overlooked due to his peers and their volleyball talent, but it’s canon that’s he’s the only one of them that got in Shiratorizawa without a sports scholarship. I doubt he’ll be with someone that isn’t academically gifted.

Again, he’s also introverted, just like you! He does get along with people and all but he prefers sitting in his dorm and studying, education is very important to him after all.

Though Shirabu may seem as a rude person and someone that doesn’t care, that’s far from the truth. The only person he’s mean to —at least outwardly— is Goshiki, he’s very well mannered and respectful to his other peers. That being said, he’ll never joke about your appearance even if he clearly doesn’t mean it, he thinks you’re gorgeous and wouldn’t want you to think otherwise.

He’ll be disheartened to know how you actually feel about your appearance, even though he had a hunch judging by the way you constantly try to make it seem as if you’re confident. He’ll send daily reminders to you, telling you how breathtaking you truly are and to never let anyone make you think differently.

I headcanon Shirabu as a cat father so he would love to feed into your cat addiction LMAOO. Just imagine you and Shirabu going to a cat cafe and petting the cute cats as they nuzzle into your palm. It truly is an adorable sight!

He’s mostly quiet so no need to worry about him accidentally giving you a migraine with his voice, it’s quite soothing actually! And he loves your glasses, he wears glasses himself and knows how insecure he feels with them so he tries to give you extra compliments whenever you wear them <33!

Concerning your deal breakers, Shirabu is literally the exact opposite of all that LMAOO! He’s aloof at times —he is soft for you in his own way though—, mannerly, and chill.

Once he finds out you like puzzles, he’ll buy many puzzles just for the two of you to solve— he purposely gets them difficult just so you would spend more time with him (my heart </33). Like the two of you holding small puzzle pieces trying to mix and match them with other pieces. He loves your concentrated face so that’s just a plus for him <33.

Overall, you and Shirabu are a seemingly distant couple but you’re the softest ever when you’re alone. You’re also intelligent as hell! Your future kids are lucky to have that gene running LMAOO😭😭.

Author’s Note : HIII SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE, also tysmmm for making it organized, it was fun to match you <333 hope you’re happy with this result and thank you for your kind wordsss

#susss. events

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thistangledbrain · 3 years

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I think I’m going to add Day 28 a day early, because I just finished it. This one took me 3 days to write...I had to keep putting it down. I think because meltdowns are our strongest reminders that we are NOT like other people, and that can be hard to accept sometimes, especially when we’re trying so hard to blend in or go along. Also, meltdowns are when we are in a raw, illogical space - which is highly unsavory, to put it mildly. We are vulnerable. Naked. Stuck. Entirely in fight or flight mode - or both. For as baffling and upsetting as you find it to be - trust me, we aren’t having a good time, either.

*takes a deep breath*

Ok, here goes.

Day 28

“Dealing with meltdowns”

Well, this one’s fun. (sarcasm)

I’m glad I got a few days ahead, because this one is hard to think about, so I keep putting it down and then coming back to it. I asked my youngest some questions, but he didn’t want to talk about it, either.

We hate meltdowns. It feels like the whole world is ending/everything is crashing down at once. I don’t CARE if what triggered it was “small” - all the repressed stuff we’ve been trying to squash comes crashing in like the fuckin Kool-Aid Man through a half open door.

But, I’ll start with how you can help.

First and foremost: DO NOT TOUCH!!! NO! BAD NEUROTYPICAL!! NO TOUCH!! (One exception: if we’re trying to blindly bolt from our environment. STOP US.)

I know this is completely counterintuitive to typical human nature, especially with young children. You want to scoop them up and cuddle them and make them feel safe. Sorry, but you just did the opposite of that - you freaked us out even more, and your need to touch and comfort is entirely yours, in that moment. Let us come to you if we want physical comfort - when we do need that, we can be like clingy little monkeys (and if an Autie child clings to you during a meltdown, you *honor* that shit & throw all the loving calm energy you can out there for them - do not say anything or try and talk them out of it - just let them cling to you and cry. Literally - JUST be there). I will say, AFTER the meltdown, we will possibly need some reassurance and kindness, if you can manage it. We will sometimes allow holding when we don’t feel good, with our absolute closest humans, but generally we really want you to just be there but not touch, until we’re ready. Lots of us don’t really want you to leave altogether, at least not for long - even if it seems like we do.

If you want to help, start with keeping your energy (your “vibe”) as calm, gentle, and peaceful as possible. Try not to get frantic or frustrated. If we’re at home or in a familiar space, do things that make our space feel better - drop the blinds/make it dark, place our weighted blanket over us/find our stuffy if we have one, light a candle or burn sage/waft a favorite calming scent, like lavender. If you say anything, use a soft, gentle voice - try not to talk too much...but if you sing, that can be very soothing. Sing very softly - I don’t know why, but soft singing and rocking (if you can stay on key...sorry but it’s grating when the tune is off!) can go a long way towards calming. Things like this can head a total meltdown off or stop it in its tracks, sometimes. Or get us out into an environment that makes us happy (like a nature trail)...but if we’re past a 4 (I’ll explain in a moment), we might not be willing to.

If we’re in a school setting, get us out from under those GOD DAMNED FLUORESCENT LIGHTS...YOU might not pick up on their eye-and-head hurting flicker, but we can. They suck even when we’re in a GOOD mood. See if you can get us into a darker room, or at least one without those &$@!;!! lights. Small things like bright lights, or sounds that usually only cause mild annoyance can become HUGE - for example, my dogs. In my best moments, the sound of them licking themselves will set my teeth on edge - if I’m trying to come out of a meltdown, those sounds - or almost any sounds, really, except white noise stuff - are infuriating. I hate to say that, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s just true. All your sensory shit is dialed to 11 and someone broke the knob off - there is NO “just deal with” whatever, at that point. We aren’t dealing with SHIT right then, so removal to a quiet spot is pretty damn important.

Try to distract or divert us before we’re over a 4 on a 1-10 scale, though, and absolutely before we start looping (the suggestions so far are for when the meltdown is in/almost in full swing - and I’m only speaking for older auties and into adulthood, here, though most of this stuff helps littles, too).

Let me explain “escalation scale” and “looping” - with the help of my husband, who recognizes patterns of escalation as well (in us, and in dogs ☺️). “Looping” is his word. It means no matter what you say, we keep looping back to what’s got us upset/how much we hate ourselves right then/all the bad feelings/past hurts that are piling on to the current problem. You’ll pull us out of it for a second, but then we loop right back to it. Ideally, you want to intervene before we get to the looping, which is about a 7+ on the escalation scale. Once we’re at a 7 and above....we’re consumed by it, and it gets much harder to diffuse. Think of the 1-10 scale like this: 1 is calm, 10 is completely nuclear - above a 7, almost nothing will distract us, almost nothing will divert us except bodily removal from the situation/environment & then leaving us the fuck alone (maybe figuratively but not literally - it depends on your Autie) for a while until we exhaust ourselves one way or another. If you can intervene and remove/distract right around a level 4 - which is right when you start to notice someone is getting quite agitated, you’ve got a good chance of heading the meltdown off at the pass. But if we’re already looping - repeating phrases over and over, looping back to our most upsetting feelings no matter what you say or do, sometimes while rocking or banging, you’re way too late. Now we have to ride it out together...as safely as we can manage. Now you need to make things dark, private, and as calming as you can, if possible. Or just get us the fuck out of the situation that set us off. That helps, too...obviously. I’ll tee up a possible scenario: you’re at an amusement park with your Autie. WHOA stimulation, right? You’re all having a fab time, but suddenly your Autie starts to cry or get angry or otherwise exhibit “I am SUPER OVERWHELMED” energy. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s just a lot to process, even when all the things are pretty fun. So, find a quiet place in a park like area to chill. Grab food from a stand - or go back out to your car and sit and eat a packed lunch or have some snacks. Don’t make a big fucking deal about it, either. Just “oh okay, I think now’s a good time for a quiet break”. Keep in mind all autistics are living in a sensory rich environment, and it can get mega overwhelming sometimes. It’s not always bad shit that sets us off.

I’ve mentioned in prior posts how it can feel like someone else is driving the car (controlling the emotions), while we sit in the back seat and scream and hit and try to get them to stop the fucking car and let us out...it’s in these moments that I TOTALLY understand how doctors got autism and schizophrenia mixed up, in years past. At least, that ripping in half is what my youngest son and I feel. YOU’RE frustrated with us right then? BRUH. WE are so fucking pissed and frustrated and upset that we can’t stop the car, too. You’re not helping if we know you are frustrated, either - that’s why I mention keeping your “vibe” as level and gentle and “no biggie” as possible.

I have some tips for head bangers and stuff, that I won’t include in this post but I’m happy to tell you what I’ve done/what can work.

Basically? “Dealing with” meltdowns is just....TRY SHIT. If you’re an Autie trying to manage your own, play around with what helps you calm down. It could be a brisk walk away from anything human, time under your weighted blanket, time in a dark warm shower or tub (idk about you, but in this house - water soothes nearly anything, most of the time), holding your pet, screaming all the cuss words you know into the void lol ....and the same methods might not work all the time (I was “feeling unsubstantiated feelings” the other day, and got into the shower before they overwhelmed me - a usual go to - but this time, the water felt disgusting, being wet just made it all worse. It surprised even me, but you gotta roll with it & try something else). But try as hard as you can to do something that will soothe you. Or find a safe place to let it all out, without hurting yourself. Pro tip, though: do not add alcohol. It not only takes away all the barriers you’ve probably put up to keep from going completely off the deep end, but it also magnifies all the bad feelings. I am, however, a big fan now of smoking a little green. I started trying that about 3 years ago and oh my god where has this been my whole adult life. I can’t take antidepressants or even most anxiety meds...but I can smoke. I use carefully chosen calming and pain relieving indica strains - sativa can sometimes make me feel more anxious. (YMMV)

If you’re the Emotional Support Human™️ of a melting down Autie, the same applies. Just try stuff. Trust me you will know if said Autie finds your efforts upsetting. It’s ok to want to talk to us about it afterwards, in a constructive way. Once we’ve calmed down, we know you’re trying to help. We’re raw and exhausted immediately after a meltdown though (meltdowns usually lead to shutdowns), so give us a little time, maybe. Or maybe not - maybe your Autie will be in a more communicative frame of mind, since it’s fresh. You won’t know unless you ask, maybe like “could we talk about this, or would you like some time to be quiet?” (Again - gentle tone and energy is important.)

Meltdowns are hard for me to write about because these days, they’re super rare, but when they happen, they’re ...well, brutal. Like really, really bad. I had one a few years ago that I think terrified my husband. We were in the car. I was getting so upset (screaming, beating my fists and probably thrashing a little) that he had to stop the car. Luckily we were in the boonies, but...not long after he stopped the car, I attempted to bolt. I felt trapped in between his efforts to soothe and the small confines of the car, and just wanted to bolt. Run. Far away. There was ZERO thought of personal safety at that point. His efforts to contain me were met with violence. I will be ashamed of that for the rest of my life - I don’t even have words for what an amazing human my husband is, and the LAST thing my non-melting-down brain wants, is to hurt him. But all I could think about was doing whatever needed to be done to escape this hell I was in. God. Just writing about it hurts, and I feel fresh shame. I’m telling you all this, so that you understand that *in that moment*, we are a cornered and overwhelmed animal, who wants to just bite bite bite or run away (fight/flight). The things we usually cling to - logic and reason - don’t exist right then. Nothing is logical - which actually adds to our upset.

There may be a time when your Autie feels like this too - and that’s one time where you DO need to intervene even if we don’t like it/hate it/get furious with you for it. If we are trying to hurt ourselves or run, do what you need to to not allow that. I truly believe this is how many young Autie kids get lost - we were upset and we just bolted blindly. We don’t react well to you stopping us....but it’s necessary.

There’s a moment in the Disney movie “Soul”, where 22 becomes a lost soul. Her little bright blue body is engulfed by swirling blackness, and inside that blackness is every bad or negative thing that’s ever been said to her. She starts looping - “I’m not good enough”, “I have no purpose”, over and over and over. This is what a meltdown feels like. In the movie, her mentor quietly hands her a small token reminder that starts to make the blackness melt away - it’s not the token that “society” thinks she should have, it’s a personal one. Shouting at her, blah blahblah talking, trying to reason with her makes her hiss and run away - but *quietly* handing her a tactile object that means something to her, brings her back to the present, and is what breaks the looping.

Here’s the clip of when he breaks through her meltdown. I hope it explains things in a way I’m struggling to. I’ll end with that...if the subtitles distract you, I apologize, I can’t find a “clean clip”.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nmapZFDUkBk&t=41s

#asd #autism #autistic #acceptance #awareness #actuallyautistic

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