#figuring stuff out

[immortalchaosbirds]

The endless loop...

[biscu-t]

So uh

New problem arrived

So I threw them on IP, like the idiot I am, and they're cute, sure but!

Although the quality is much better than my silly pictures, it doesn't really seem as special looking as the one on paper, as if something was missing. I'm not sure what i'm lacking and i'm not sure how to fix it

[infinit8ion]

Tracks bursting through the floor of a house like veins upon ancient hands and the vessel they carry is a long and circumstantial womb whose blood inspires the lungs of the mind. And a singular gill emerges on your face, rippling over your nose, split open like a delightful wound and shining like the eyebeam of a Train. The perennial curtain of the Party obfuscates the presence of a Serpent in our midst; siphoning our memories away and incubating its own parasitic brood under the stairs.

[avelokadrawsguts]

Guys being dudes, post apocalyptic edition.

[keys2thefalcon]

5 things that make me happy

List five things that make me happy (Tagged by @diplomaticprincess)

My friends who are family and the family who are friends. It’s ridiculous that I have these wonderful people in my life and I hope they never wise up.

Stories. Something you want to tell me. TV. Movies. Books. Songs. HanLeia fan fiction (that I wish I found much earlier in my life cos I think my brain would be in a better place). Anywhere you want to take me. I am so appreciative of all the things that come my way and that I get to live in for a bit.

Los Angeles.

I am writing this on a Sunday afternoon, sitting in a bar, watching a band. Crowd and band are all ages. Guests come up to sing a song. Couples dance. People are playing pool behind us. The couple in front of us are in their 70s and somehow both look like Burl Ives. They alternate between holding hands and taking videos and are cracking each other up. We are getting the first real signs of spring in Toronto and one of my oldest friends in the world just walked through the door.

My dog. Probably your dog, too. But definitely my dog.

[gray-clover-productions]

Quick question for the peeps on Tumblr

Sorry if this is a rather weird question, but I was wondering: Are there any autism representation symbols or flags that exist? I myself have recently found out that I'm autistic (high functioning). Pretty late in life, I know, but I wanted to use whatever symbols/flags existed in a work of art one day if there are any at all. Thanks!

[nemo-draco]

Dragon character. Working out the placement of the scars.

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

quick q:

so I am afab, and by and large I feel like a woman. but there’s also part of me that loves the idea of androgyny, although I’ve never really gotten to explore it. (androgynous clothes ain’t cheap!) and I’d love if I could be both, at least like some of the time if that makes sense. I can be super-feminine and I take pride in being a woman, but like I said I also love androgyny and I’ve felt at home dressing in “guys’ clothes” since basically forever. (like for a couple years, I almost exclusively wore polo shirts and slacks.)

so like, is there a word for this gender feeling? help???

edit: to further clarify:

I sometimes feel androgynous in a mysterious sort of way like “you don’t know what my gender is and tbh neither do I” or like I want to be an Entity just There and I might feel gendery things but fuck if you see it idk how exactly to explain it lmao

[worldwithoutmiracles]

Feeding My ADHD

grocery shopping, cooking, and eating is a constant struggle for me, like it is for many people with ADHD. it’s so mentally draining to feed myself, which leads to the ““hilarious”” cycle where I put it off, thus becoming physically exhausted, which increases my mental exhaustion, which leaves even less energy to feed myself, and so on and so on until I either pass out or order takeout. and when I do go out to eat, in an attempt to get some dopamine, I’ll base my purchase entirely on novelty (spicy, sour, or unbearably sweet food; eating food with a theme or based on a recent fixation; trying a new ingredient I’ve never eaten; ordering the thing on the menu I can’t pronounce; eating from nostalgia from childhood; insane food combinations [e.g. got a kimchi and peanut butter sandwich yesterday]; something with bright colors, bonus if rainbow; something over-the-top or actively on fire; the house special; three courses, etc.).

I’ve been wondering if there is something specific about eating that aggravates my executive dysfunction.

I think a big part of it is that “food” is always somewhere on my to-do list, and I never actually get to check it off. as much as I might put off making a phone call or taking out the trash, at least once I do it, it stays done, either forever or at least for a few days, long enough for even my time blindness to register. after doing the task, there is a time where I am free, and the task gets to be “done” in my brain. but food! give it 4 hours, and no matter how good you’ve done “food”, you’ll have to do it again. every day. multiple times a day. there is no escape from it, and it’s horrible. I fall into intermittent fasting and eating only one meal a day naturally, just out of mental fatigue.

I get very anxious and always feel like I’m wasting money when I shop for groceries or go out to eat. it feels like chucking money into a furnace. it feels like a waste, even though it, y’know, keeps me alive. which made me wonder: does some of my struggle to feed myself ultimately come back to low self-value?

after all, paying for food is exactly like chucking money into a furnace, where the furnace is my body and as long as the fire burns I stay alive. staying alive is a good thing (citation needed). if I don’t appreciate being alive, then of course I will never get a sense of accomplishment from feeding myself, just an anxiety that I’m wasting money on something without ever actually achieving it. if I saw eating more clearly, as the life-sustaining action it really is, and if I more actively valued being alive... I think part of my problem is that I don’t currently care enough about my health, happiness, comfort, and right to exist to make the time and space and budget to feed myself every day.

it’s hard for me to see value in every day. I have a lot of days where I jump from distraction to distraction, just trying to avoid my thoughts and make time pass in hopes tomorrow will bring some epiphany or better brain chemistry. it makes sense that on days like that I would see little value in eating to stay alive. maybe if I find a way to live a life I’m proud of, to have more good days, I will find a will to feed myself. but in the meantime, I thank god for Cap’n Crunch (o cap’n my cap’n)

[junacolada]

I have 3 Current ttrpg blorpos. 2 of them are in their twenties and have a lot of trauma. One is in her forties and doing great.

This means something

[bitchenbae]

Working towards finding my life purpose

[lgbtpenguin]

My personal experience trying to figure out my sexuality and gender:

*had never thought about it*

*starts thinking way too much ab female best friend*

- Mmm... I think I MIGHT not be straight

- Yeah I don't think I am

- Then what am I?

- Idk I'll just go with the vibe

- But what if I'm a lesbian?

- I think I like women

- But I've also liked men before

- Then I can't be a lesbian

- Maybe I'm bi

- But I don't feel like I am

- I gess I'm not

*Starts watching and reading A BUNCH of LGBTQIA+ content*

- WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OPTIONS????

*Starts to question not only sexuality but also gender*

- Maybe I AM a lesbian and I was just forcing myself to like men

- Yeah that could be it

*Starts liking a girl a lot and thinking about her all the time*

*Forgets about men*

- YESS I THINK I'M A LESBIAN

- I'm not completely sure I'm a woman tho

- I kinda like the term demifluid

- Is that me tho?

- I could be a non-binary lesbian

- Well idk

*Starting to get comfortable with the term lesbian (gender is still unknown)*

*Starts liking a dude*

- Well shit.

- I wouldn't like to see his penis tho

- Maybe a biromantic lesbian?

- Yeah maybe

- But I kinda like masculine bodies

- Maybe I just reject the idea of men because I'm resentful with them

- But I still don't like penises at all

- Do I even like pussy?

- What if I'm ace?

- I like masturbating and often find ppl hot tho

- Am I even non-binary or am I just forcing myself to abandon the term woman because I cut my hair short?

- Idk, but I think bi-lesbian is just fine for now

- I'm starting to feel that my name doesn't really fit my identity

- But again, am I non-binary or is it just an internalized idea that I can't be a woman if my hair is short?

*Looks for more options*

*Can't find anything*

- I'm starting to like this boy a little bit too much

*Starts overthinking why on earth would he pay so much attention to me*

- I WAS F*CKING FINE WITH MY OWN BODY AND IDWNTITY AND HE HAD TO RUIN IT

*Starts getting very uncomfortable with their own body and experiences dismorphia for about a week (I know dismorphia is a long-term week that can't be cured just like that, but I really can't find a better word to describe how I felt)*

*Stops liking that boy with such intensity, dismorphia stops and self steem starts to go up again*

- Wtf is going on with me

*Afraid to tell my psychologist about any of this since I feel she'd judge me if I did*

- I think I would like to change my name

- But WHAT NAME CAN I CHOOSE???

- I'd like smth gender-neutral

- Or smth a little more femenine?

- Gender neutral

- Or...

- I really like the name Ive or Ivy

- But it feels kinda weird to think about myself with that name

- I feel that people would treat me differently...?

- Also Ive isn't a valid option since I live in Latin America and

1. I don't want to get bullied for choosing a name in english

2. I'm pretty sure many would pronounce it wrongly

- I DON'T F*CKING LIKE NAMES IN SPANISH. ENGLISH IS SO MUCH BETTER.

- WHY COULDN'T I LIVE ON A PLACE WITH ENGLISH AS IT FIRST LANGUAGE?????

- I wanna move to a english-speaking country

- But I'm too young

- Ok names in spanish

- ...

- I don't have anything (if you can think of something please help)

- Fuck.

- Ok so... Am I even nonbinary? Demifluid? Woman? Man? (I don’t think so but I’m not sure of anything at this point) Agender? Something else?

- I think non-binary and woman are the ones closer to what I am, but maybe I’m wrong honestly

And this is where I am now. I’ve watched a million different videos and read different websites and posts on tumblr that talk about sexual orientation, romantic orientation, gender identity, gender expression and so many more things. I’m so confused and have been for so long that it’s overwhelming. I keep changing my perception about stuff depending on the day and that is SO STRESSING. I have thought that I might be abrosexual but I’m not really sure it fits me. I’ve also thought I might be genderfluid but, as I said before, it is kinda hard for me to see myself as someone that either is or feels atracted to men.

I know that I’m closer to figure myself out than what I was at the start though, and that helps me keep going. This is what I’ve got till now:

Gender: Unknown (nonbinary is the one I feel more related to in a kind of way)

Gender expression: More masculine/androgynous (but that might also be because I don’t like how more “femenine” clothes look on me or I just don’t feel comfortable in them)

Sexual orientation: Lesbian(?

Romantic orientation: Biromantic(?

Idk, If anyone can give me any kind of help to deal with this, I’ll take it.

Also, I hope this can help someone who is in a similar situation, and if you are one of those people, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I am here to talk with you if you need to.

Update: I REALLY am into this boy and he's got me SO confused.

I think I might actually be bi... just with a bunch of internalized biphobia and fear of men (which i gotta get over)

[life-as-a-lesbian]

So if you read my last post, I mention that it took me a long time to accept my identity and that I still struggle with it. Let’s talk about why. TW homophobia.

There are so many reasons a queer person may struggle to come into themselves and out to the world. Heteronormativity, for one, can make the idea of having a queer relationship difficult to even imagine. Lack of representation and education for LGBTQ youth makes figuring it out difficult and coming out lonely. Not having a safe space to question or work through your identity makes it challenging to discover who you are. And experiencing homophobia, even if it is not targeted at you, will likely be internalized and prevent the acceptance of your identity for fear of judgement and ridicule.

Heteronormative roles were never my thing, they still aren’t. I’ve always been the kind of girl that got mud under her painted nails and practiced martial arts in a pink gi. I hated baby dolls as a kid and the older dolls that I had were always my “sister” or my “friend”, never my baby. Even as a kid, I didn’t like kids. I had absolutely no interest in babysitting as I got older. When I started dating men, I never imagined myself with children, at least not ones I wanted. When I would play pretend I was always the one in charge and I had no interest in being the wife, girlfriend, or mom when we played house. Even when I got older and did become interested in pretend dating, I always made up some ridiculous plot line where I was the hero, not my imaginary boyfriend. When I became interested in dating in real life, I always made the first move. I “wore the pants” in all of my relationships. I even recognized I wasn’t happy in any of those relationships, I figured I would just die a bitter old housewife who hated her husband and had kids who resented her for it. So why didn’t I put two and two together? If I knew I wouldn’t be happy with guys and I didn’t particularly care about heteronormative stereotypes, why couldn’t I see and accept that I like girls?

I didn’t lack exposure to LGBTQ people. Someone I consider a brother is gay and we’ve known he was gay practically from the moment he was born. I was one of the first people he officially came out to and I accepted him with open arms. Most of the people he came out to accepted him lovingly, and pretty much everyone else was indifferent. He didn’t have a horrible coming out story. It wasn’t awesome by any means, but for the most part not much changed for him, except that he didn’t have to hide any more, which, I suppose changes a lot. As soon as he came out, he was happier, more authentic, and more confident. I saw what a positive impact coming out had on him, why wouldn’t I let myself have that?

I didn’t lack a safe space completely. My friends, the ones I still talk to today and the ones I haven’t heard from in years, were all open about their sexuality and incredibly accepting of mine. Like I mention, one of my close family members is gay and his family was accepting of him and of me when I came out. Even my ex boyfriend was happy for me when I fell in love with K, he wished nothing but happiness for me. My parents and some of my other family members however, not quite as accepting or safe. I really had and still have no desire to talk to a lot of my non-accepting family about my sexuality, or just in general, but having parents who aren’t a safe harbor for me has been really difficult. I grew up knowing my parents were homophobic, even before they ever actually said it.

My close family member got asked constantly if he liked boys or if he was sure he wasn’t gay. He denied who he was for years. My parents were happy with that. My mom was ecstatic whenever he would get girlfriends. My dad would do anything he could to “toughen him up”. I watched them be a part of the reason he was so scared to tell anyone who he really was that he didn’t until it was almost life or death. When he came out, his parents accepted him. I accepted him, so did my mom. We all told him we already knew, that he didn’t have to hide, but he felt like he did because of all the things he experienced, all the times they tried to “toughen him up” or force him to kiss his girlfriend for a picture. His closet was glass, so I built mine of stone.

When I came home in the 6th grade with my first crush on a girl, I asked my mom if she would still love me if I were gay. Her immediate response wasn’t “of course I would still love you” it was “you’re not gay”. She proceeded to follow up that statement with, “but of course I would still love you”. That didn’t particularly matter though, the damage had already been done; I knew that I wasn’t allowed to be gay.

When I got older and was allowed on social media, I started to become interested in political and social movements. I was a particularly loud “ally” of the LGBTQ community. One night at the dinner table, emboldened 14 year old me said “there’s no reason to stand against gay people, homophobes are just Jack asses”. My father responded “call me a donkey then”. He wasn’t kidding. He admitted to his closeted daughter that he was homophobic, and a jack ass. While, maybe, on the outside I stood proud in my convictions, it’s hard for a 14 year old not to internalize that.

So, of course, when I started questioning I was terrified. Despite not believing being queer was wrong, I believed it was wrong for me. I couldn’t like girls. I didn’t want to like girls. I couldn’t face my parents, my grandma, the rest of my family, the people in my school, who all shared the same belief about the LGBTQ community as someone who was a part of it.

I never mentioned that I was questioning my sexuality to my parents, or that I liked girls, but it was pretty obvious after I met K. I spent all my time with her, we’d sneak out, hell I practically looked at her with hearts in my eyes. I never hid it, I just never admitted it out loud and we never talked about it; until we did.

My mother, on multiple occasions, had made snarky comments about K. I knew, she knew, but one day when she was on one of her homophobic tangents I snapped. Eventually she said “I just don’t agree with their life choices, but I can still love them”, which is bullshit. I responded “well that’s good because I’m gay”. I had come out because of anger and spite, but it still felt so good to say it out loud. I took no interest in what she had to say after that. I was out.

I came out to my dad when I was drunk, I was always too scared to do it sober. I asked him if he would love me more if I were a boy because all my life I had felt like he had wanted to have a boy, but he only had girls. He told me no. Then I asked if he would love me more if I liked boys, he said “no H, I love you, some things just make me uncomfortable”. I felt like this was progress. He was still uncomfortable, but he loved me just the same. That feeling didn’t last.

I was recently broken up with and I took it really, really hard. One night my mom said something that triggered the same wounds my breakup had, so I started to cry. My dad held me, but when I tried to talk about it he told me “I don’t want to talk about girlfriends”. I guess we haven’t made as much progress as I thought.

So, when I got back on dating apps, I tried to swipe on men again, but it didn’t last after the first conversation. I have wanted so desperately to like boys so that I can ask my dad for advice or tell my mom about the person I like without them making me feel disgusting. I’m confident in who I am, but whenever I’m around my parents my confidence falters. Whenever I’m around my grandma who still asks me if I’m dating, and she only means dating boys, my confidence falters. Whenever I think back to my friend insisting I was bi or my friends being in disbelief when I came out because I used to be so boy crazy, my confidence falters. Whenever I watch a movie and like the male main character, my confidence falters. But even when my confidence falters, at the end of the day I am who I am, I love who I love, and nothing is going to change that. Pretending I didn’t like girls did nothing for me except for make me feel bad, worse than I feel when my confidence falters, so I’m trying something new. I’m working on accepting who I am, despite what I’ve experienced, and it feels damn good.

For some kids, it’s heteronormativity that keeps them in the closet. For some, it’s not even knowing they could be gay. For me, it was and is the homophobia I experienced. Not from strangers, I don’t care much about what most people think about me honestly, so had it been strangers it wouldn’t have had much of an impact. The problem is that the homophobia I’ve experienced comes from the people in my life who are supposed to love me most, love me unconditionally, the people who I’m supposed to be able to seek comfort in. This is the experience of a lot of queer kids. And a lot of queer kids have had much worse experiences than I have.

I’m not posting this for sympathy. I’m posting this to serve as reminder. You are bigger than whatever stopped, or is stopping you, from accepting who you are. You are more than what people have to say about you. You are brave even when your confidence falters. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your skin. You are valid, you are strong, and you belong here. When something makes you feel small, stand a little taller. When someone tries to silence you, speak louder. Do not let anyone bully you into being less than exactly who you are because I promise, there will be people who love and accept you for exactly who you want to be. Live authentically. It’s scary, but I swear that it’s worth it.

What stopped you from finding your label, if that was something you experienced? How did you or are you overcoming that? When do you feel the most like yourself? What do you need to do to feel like your most authentic self all the time?

[istilldontunderstand]

Hi, these past few months I have some ongoing crisis (identity?smth else?) simmering under the surface, so I want to apologise to whoever I ignored/didn't write back to/forgot about...it's not personal, my mind is just in need of some cleaning and maintenance and is not able to function properly:)

[tearlessrain]

please help me- i used to be pretty smart but i’m having so much trouble grasping the concept of diegetic vs non-diegetic bdsm!

gfkjldghfd okay first of all I'm sorry for the confusion, if you're not finding anything on the phrase it's because I made it up and absolutely nobody but me ever uses it, but I haven't found a better way to express what I'm trying to say so I keep using it. but now you've given me an excuse to ramble on about some shit that is only relevant to me and my deeply inefficient way of talking and by god I'm going to take it.

SO. the way diegetic and non-diegetic are normally used is to talk about music and sound design in movies/tv shows. in case you aren't familiar with that concept, here's a rundown:

diegetic sound is sound that happens within the world of the movie/show and can be acknowledged by the characters, like a song playing on the stereo during a driving scene, or sung on stage in Phantom of the Opera. it's also most other sounds that happen in a movie, like the sounds of traffic in a city scene, or a thunderclap, or a marching band passing by. or one of the three stock horse sounds they use in every movie with a horse in it even though horses don't really vocalize much in real life, but that's beside the point, the horse is supposed to be actually making that noise within the movie's world and the characters can hear it whinnying.

non-diegetic sound is any sound that doesn't exist in the world of the movie/show and can't be perceived by the characters. this includes things like laugh tracks and most soundtrack music. when Duel of Fates plays in Star Wars during the lightsaber fight for dramatic effect, that's non-diegetic. it exists to the audience, but the characters don't know their fight is being backed by sick ass music and, sadly, can't hear it.

the lines can get blurry between the two, you've probably seen the film trope where the clearly non-diegetic music in the title sequence fades out to the same music, now diegetic and playing from the character's car stereo. and then there are things like Phantom of the Opera as mentioned above, where the soundtrack is also part of the plot, but Phantom of the Opera does also have segments of non-diegetic music: the Phantom probably does not have an entire orchestra and some guy with an electric guitar hiding down in his sewer just waiting for someone to break into song, but both of those show up in the songs they sing down there.

now, on to how I apply this to bdsm in fiction.

if I'm referring to diegetic bdsm what I mean is that the bdsm is acknowledged for what it is in-world. the characters themselves are roleplaying whatever scenarios their scenes involve and are operating with knowledge of real life rules/safety practices. if there's cnc depicted, it will be apparent at some point, usually right away, that both characters actually are fully consenting and it's all just a planned scene, and you'll often see on-screen negotiation and aftercare, and elements of the story may involve the kink community wherever the characters are. Love and Leashes is a great example of this, 50 Shades and Bonding are terrible examples of this, but they all feature characters that know they're doing bdsm and are intentional about it.

if I'm talking about non-diegetic bdsm, I'm referring to a story that portrays certain kinks without the direct acknowledgement that the characters are doing bdsm. this would be something like Captive Prince, or Phantom of the Opera again, or the vast majority of bodice ripper type stories where an innocent woman is kidnapped by a pirate king or something and totally doesn't want to be ravished but then it turns out he's so cool and sexy and good at ravishing that she decides she's into it and becomes his pirate consort or whatever it is that happens at the end of those books. the characters don't know they're playing out a cnc or D/s fantasy, and in-universe it's often straight up noncon or dubcon rather than cnc at all. the thing about entirely non-diegetic bdsm is that it's almost always Problematic™ in some way if you're not willing to meet the story where it's at, but as long as you're not judging it by the standards of diegetic bdsm, it's just providing the reader the same thing that a partner in a scene would: the illusion of whatever risk or taboo floats your boat, sometimes to extremes that can't be replicated in real life due to safety, practicality, physics, the law, vampires not being real, etc. it's consensual by default because it's already pretend; the characters are vehicles for the story and not actually people who can be hurt, and the reader chose to pick up the book and is aware that nothing in it is real, so it's all good.

this difference is where people tend to get hung up in the discourse, from what I've observed. which is why I started using this phrasing, because I think it's very crucial to be able to differentiate which one you're talking about if you try to have a conversation with someone about the portrayal of bdsm in media. it would also, frankly, be useful for tagging, because sometimes when you're in the mood for non-diegetic bodice ripper shit you'd call the police over in real life, it can get really annoying to read paragraphs of negotiation and check-ins that break the illusion of the scene and so on, and the opposite can be jarring too.

it's very possible to blur these together the same way Phantom of the Opera blurs its diegetic and non-diegetic music as well. this leaves you even more open to being misunderstood by people reading in bad faith, but it can also be really fun to play with. @not-poignant writes fantastic fanfic, novels, and original serials on ao3 that pull this off really well, if you're okay with some dark shit in your fiction I would highly recommend their work. some of it does get really fucking dark in places though, just like. be advised. read the tags and all that.

but yeah, spontaneous writer plug aside, that's what I mean.