#forgive me but you know i like hurting myself this way :D

[itsrexxyo]

someone’s gonna pay for this.

[muniimyg]

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹ bbydaddy!jk (16) ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹

series m.list // taglist request closed

note: please prioritize your mental health and peace if the following content is too heavy for you. this portion of the plot has a lot of angst, and arguing. overall contains sensitive topics. thank you all for waiting so well for the break-up reveal!

tw: mentions of anxiety/stress/insomnia/ and postpartum depression,, early pregnancy loss (5 weeks), and self-neglect.

🏷️ permanent taglist:

@joonsjuice @pamzn @defzcl @maryy1300 @whoa-jo @taetaecatboy @jksusawife @un06 @firesighgirl @rrosiitas @butterymin @parkinglot-nights @musicjournalsjdb @kissyfacekoo @jkslvsnella @vampcharxter @bloopkook @somehowukook @bbystarcandykoo

//

"so... jungkook moved back in, he bought you a new car, and this entire time you've been broken up—you've been sleeping with him?"

it feels stupid to confess everything to your therapist.

you’ve been avoiding this for 9 months now. 

today it has to be settled. 

it has to be over. 

this feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to throw up over and over again until you have nothing left inside of you. your lips tighten at the way your therapist blinks at you. you've never really been able to read her, but maybe that's what you like so much about her.

sometimes, it's nice not to know and just to take what people say as they are.

"he's not actually moved back in... he just has more closet space."

your therapist notes something down on her pad. then, she looks at you and simply comments, "i see... is that all you think it is? more closet space?"

"y-yes? n-no... no. okay, it's not like we're not back together though..." you begin to explain yourself.

"but you've been sleeping with him the entire time you guys have been broken up?"

you make a face.

your therapist tilts her head and lets out a light sigh. 

"i'm not judging. you two are adults. you both have needs. you both need each other. you both love each other. i'm just clarifying that—"

"okay, yes," you yield. "i have been sleeping with my babydaddy but haven’t gotten back together with him... i mean—we kind of are? to be fair, the break-up wasn’t a real break-up... it just grew into one. i take the blame for the dumping because i was the one who pulled away. so inevitably, i can't help but feel like a villain in all of it... am i? am i the villain? zion had this whole thing about what family is like, a home with another kid from his daycare, and it... it made me feel so guilty. jungkook and i talked about it and worked on it... i know he doesn't blame me, but every time i bring myself closer to... what do i even call this? ... forgiving him? forgiving myself? i d-don't know... all i know is that... every time i want to move on and just be happy—with him. with zion... with my life—i can't find it in me. i pull away, and it hurts everyone around us. sometimes, i wonder if they know it hurts me too."

"what does that mean?" she asks, her tone soft and curious. "good job getting that off your chest. you're doing great, ___."

mumbling a 'thank you,' you sigh and shrug your shoulders. honestly, you can’t think. your mind goes blank. she then sits up, fixing her posture. leaning forward, she makes her observation.

"___, you broke up with jungkook 9 months ago because of the circumstances. sure, he was supportive and understanding, but sometimes, when everything gets too much, the only person who can fix you is yourself. ___, it was a lot. it was heavy. one thing I've noticed about you is that you think and speak as if everything has to be this big thing. you know your emotions are bigger than the problem, yet you suppress them. it's okay to feel them because when you don't, you start to lose yourself. sometimes, it sounds to me like you want to burn the room down for people to empathize with you... for people to see you. for you to see yourself even."

"i don't want to burn anything down—"

"it's an analogy," she explains. "the truth is, for you, being burned out isn’t a thing until you can’t get out of bed. burnout is as simple as not wanting coffee anymore. sometimes, it's losing yourself to stress and anxiety... and people see that. jungkook, your friends, and your parents saw it. you don’t have to prove it. ___, you can’t keep pushing yourself until you can’t run anymore. you have to slow down. you have to let yourself be tired and learn how to rest."

you nod, agreeing with her take. then, you make another confession.

"i understand that," you take a deep breath. "but it’s like… before i knew it, i was upset and unfit for our relationship. i screwed up too early. that's why i broke up with him... but now... i don’t know. the guilt and blame keep pointing in different directions. i don’t know what i'm doing, and i can't do that. i can't not know when it comes to the father of my child and the love of my life."

your therapist purses her lips and offers you a small smile.

"then, ___... is it possible that things are better now? that it's more than his clothes in your home? that the room isn’t burning anymore? is it that maybe... finally, you’re realizing that being tired and burnt out is a part of life? ___, you’ve done nothing but get everything right since your childhood... to let your feelings—good or bad—be true and big isn’t a flaw. it’s you being human."

her words hit you, but not enough to stop your insecurities. with shaky eyes, you ask her, "w-what if i do it again?"

"do what again? burnout?"

"what if i fuck up everything about my life again? my career? motherhood? jungkook and i’s relationship? it hurt so bad... to wake up next to my family and not feel anything. it was so fucking hard... i couldn’t even pretend that i was okay. a-and when i asked for some air... he wasn’t even mad at me. he packed his bags and lost his breath from crying so much. at the door, he asked me if i was sure... and even though i wasn’t; i said yes...." you explain, your voice growing quieter with each word.

suddenly, everything feels so heavy. 

if there was ever a time to understand and relate to the feeling of the world being on your shoulders... this would be that moment. taking a breath, you compose yourself.

"i can’t do that again," you vow. "i can’t change my mind."

"you can’t change your mind again or you can’t hurt like that again?"

you pause.

"9 months ago, my mind kept going back and forth whether or not jungkook cared about me," you confess. "but i recently realized he does. he has. he always will... i just don’t know if i can trust him the same as before... i think i’m a horrible person for thinking that. weird, right? especially with how fucking horrible i am to him now."

"that’s not true." your therapist disagrees. "___, it was traumatic. you went through a lot—"

"—and i will never understand how he held himself together. when he was accused of plagiarism at his company, i took those accusations and sued until jungkook’s name was spotless. it was hard on both of us. he didn’t want me to go that far because they were his coworkers—his ‘friends’—but why... why was he so pathetic then? those people were out to ruin him. they quit the company and went to jyp. they proposed work that belonged to jungkook... it was a conflict of interest! when jungkook launched his work with hybe, jyp accused him of plagiarism. hybe cut ties with him and his company gave him so much shit for losing hybe. and i, his girlfriend and mother of his child, risked my career to focus on his case instead of my clients. i chose him. i did everything to fight for him. then, he told me he wanted to settle and stay at the company... i couldn’t believe it... he had his reputation on the line—his career! mine was too and all for what? because he didn’t want to embarrass his friends? because he didn’t want to cause the company more trouble? then, what about me? what about us?"

your therapist looks at you with sincere eyes. she nods, taking your words in. 

"___, does he know you’re still upset with his decision?"

"yes," you sigh, recalling how betrayed you felt. "w-we don’t talk about it. how do we? it felt like i wasted 2 months of my life and we lost our—we lost."

your therapist reaches over and offers you the tissue box. you didn’t even realize you were crying... but the silence between you two and the ache from the words that you just said begins to sting your chest.

after a few moments, your therapist softly tells you, "___, i don’t think you left him because you didn’t love him... i think you left because, despite everything, you did. that hurt because it meant loving him and putting him before yourself... on top of that, you were at a state where you should have been put first."

you gulp.

she purses her lips and makes her hit.

"___, do you resent yourself for the loss?"

you clench your fist as your therapist rubs salt into your open wounds. "the self-neglect? the stress? the post-partum depression? the insomia—"

"i resent myself for the loss," you admit. "... and i resent jungkook for losing me."

when you arrive home, jungkook is in the kitchen cooking. 

you didn’t expect him to be home. he was supposed to be picking zion up at this time and you were looking forward to some alone time. clearly, you have a lot to think about. as you take off your shoes, jungkook turns his attention to you.

“hi honey,” he smiles brightly. 

truth be told, he had a long day. he was running late this morning and had rushed out the door. as he drove to work, he got annoyed with himself. 

he forgot to kiss you before he left. 

so you can imagine just how excited he is to see you now… especially with all he has planned for tonight. 

“we had a meeting today and it ended early. it went really well so i have some news! also, i picked zion up right after my meeting. took him out for a little father-and-son afternoon... then, i dropped him off at your parents—”

“why would you do that?” you snap, putting your things away.

jungkook chuckles. “uh, maybe because i wanna ask you something tonight…”

your body stiffens.

“but we’ll get to that later! do you want to eat first? i’m cooking your favorite—”

“please stop,” you shut your eyes and take a breath. “jungkook, i had a long day. i’m glad yours was good and you got to bond with zion. i appreciate the effort—i just don’t… i don’t like that you dropped zion off at my parents after picking him up early from daycare. why didn’t you just take him home? and thank you for cooking... but i had a late lunch today, so i’m not hungry.”

“is it so bad i want to spend time with you alone?” jungkook asks, his smile fading. 

jungkook isn’t stupid. 

he knows you’re not in the mood, but he can’t help but push your boundaries a little. besides, communication is always good, right? at least, that’s what he’s been told. 

“it’s okay if you don’t want to eat... as long as you ate today. what did you eat?” he attempts. 

you move past jungkook as he asks you the question. taking out your phone, you check for any missed messages. jungkook’s eyebrows furrow as you ignore him. he catches your waist and guides you against the kitchen counter. grabbing your phone from your hands, he puts it aside.

“woah,” he pouts. “what’s up? why are you acting like this?”

you look at jungkook and hate yourself. his eyes are so kind and full of love. 

you know it. 

you feel it. 

it hurts so bad.

“what’s with the mood?” he asks, more gently this time. 

jungkook moves his hands from your waist to wrap around you. he nuzzles himself into the crook of your neck and hugs you tightly. “if you’re mad at me about something, that’s okay... but be angry here. don’t ignore me. being angry together is better than not being together at all.”

his plea makes your eyes tear up.

this isn’t easy for you either, but to be honest... it’s now or never. tonight, your heart feels especially heavy. you can’t blame it. some people say time heals all wounds—perhaps, this is it. 

this is the time limit.

“can i tell you my news?” he asks, partly trying to stall the conversation and partly because it was good news. 

“sure.”

“i got a job offer,” jungkook says. “i’d have to do an informal interview but it’s basically mine if i want it. they’re setting up a branch in new york. they want me to go there for 3-6 months and help start everything up. guide and mentor the visual director there—”

“that’s amazing—”

“i don’t want it,” jungkook chuckles. “they told me to sleep on it and make my decision in a month. until then, they offered me a raise! isn’t that great?”

your smile drops. 

all of the feelings you’ve been trying to regulate since you stepped out of your therapist's office today feel like they’ve gone out the window. was he serious? he declined such a big step in his career—for a raise? 

“jungkook,” you croak. “do you know why we broke up?”

he pulls away. 

what a fucking switch up. he doesn’t understand. 

for a moment, he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. does he reach out to hold yours or keep them by his side? he’s caught off guard. he doesn’t know how to answer you and frankly, he fucking hates this question.

“uh, why are you asking me—”

“what was the other thing?” you ask, already suspecting it. “are you going to ask me to marry you tonight?” you blurt. 

he shoves his hand in his pocket. 

“jungkook, are you asking me to marry you tonight? yes or no?”

he blinks at you. 

his heart is prepared more than ever; “yes.”

“don’t.”

jungkook’s heart drops.

“don’t because you’re saying no or don’t because you want a better proposal?” he attempts to lighten the mood with a smile. he takes his hands out of his pocket and reaches for yours. you don’t let him take it. instead, you shake your head.

“don’t because you don’t even know why we’re broken up.”

instantly, the tension between you two increases. it’s through the roof, actually. it feels like one wrong word, one wrong move, one wrong recalled memory—everything crumbles.

everything fails.

everything faces the end.

“___, i can’t answer your question because i’m not prepared to. honestly, i wasn’t prepared for the break-up. it just happened. it grew into one. ___, you never said, ‘jungkook, it’s over. we’re broken up.’ ... no. you said, ‘jungkook... i can’t breathe anymore. i need air. i need space from us,’ — that’s what you said. but to hell with that, right? we’ve been sleeping together and it’s not like we hate each other. you love me. i know you do... so i really don’t understand why you won’t marry me despite knowing the simple truth—”

you move away from him.

god, it’s so hard to be next to him sometimes. 

heading to the cabinets, you take out a glass and pour yourself some water. drinking it, you hear jungkook sigh and groan in frustration.

“are we really going to fight tonight?” he asks, annoyed.

you shrug and put your water down. “shouldn’t we? it’s kind of overdue.”

jungkook scratches the back of his head. his lips tighten and his mind is already dizzy as he asks;

“___, why did you break up with me?”

a beat.

“i wanted more from you.”

he looks at you confused. “the fuck does that mean? sex?”

you shake your head.

“jungkook, i was moving up with my career. you were constantly annoyed that i was overworking myself and that i only cared about zion. you were always mad at me when i brought up work—especially about yours. you didn’t want more. you refused the promotions and all the different leadership roles. you refused more hours—you refused to grow… just like now.”

jungkook huffs. “is this about money again? we’ve never had issues providing for zion and this lifestyle.”

“again?” you chuckle. “honey, it wasn’t about the money. at least to me, it wasn’t. i love you and would have married you regardless of my career path and yours—”

“then why won’t you marry me? you always say you will but you say shit like this. you know it fucks me up, right? this isn’t fair. you can’t keep changing your mind.”

“it’s not that i don’t know what you are to me and what i want,” you take a deep breath. it feels painful to be right. “it’s that marrying you isn’t going to make any of this easier. at least, not right now.”

his eyes are filled with hope. 

hope that maybe the reason is childish and not what he knows it really is. he hopes it’s because he left one too many socks inches away from the laundry hamper in your bedroom. he hopes it’s because you got tired of him always queuing his karaoke songs in the car before yours. he hopes it’s because (not really) you actually took an interest in nam joon or something.

most of all, he hopes it’s not what he knows it is.

“jungkook, we were disagreeing on everything. you thought i was greedy for wanting more for myself—for our family—”

“so it’s about whether or not i accept the job offer? i still have a month to think about it. i can’t just leave you and zion. you get that, right? i don’t just leave.” jungkook scoffs in disbelief. “and you act like i didn’t just get promoted. i accepted it, didn’t i? i did so to impress you because i love you. i did it to win you back because i love you.”

“but why didn’t you do it for yourself?” you fuse. “why can’t you want more for yourself?”

“___, i love you—”

you hiss, taking a step away from him. “stop saying you love me when you—”

“when i what?” jungkook steadies his tone. “when i made a decision that you didn’t like? ___, i made a practical choice back then. what other option did i have?”

“you chose wrong,” you cry. “is that what you’ve been waiting for me to say? jungkook, you chose wrong because you were afraid! it wasn’t practical. it was safe. you took the settlement, forgave those friends, and looked stupid while doing it. meanwhile, i risked everything. i fucking fought for you! for what? jungkook, it ruined us.”

jungkook shifts, taking a step closer to you. he runs his hands through his hair and groans.

“___, they have a family too. they fucked up and they apologized. i didn’t go through with the lawsuit because regardless if they deserved it—their families didn’t. their children didn’t. for fucks sake, one of them has a daughter zion’s age—”

a sob escapes your lips. 

jungkook’s shoulders slump as he lowers his head. you lower yours too, feeling your tears roll down your cheeks.

“jungkook, i love you,” you weakly admit. “i swear to god, i have never loved anyone more in my life than i have ever loved you. you’re the kindest man i’ve ever met. you empathize with others and put them before your needs. you chased me around like a fucking dog for the last 9 months, completely disregarding any self-respect. truth be told, you gave me a purpose to live. you made me zion’s mom and the love of your life. in so many ways, i don’t deserve you… but i also don’t deserve this. it feels like even when i can't trust you—i still do. it ruins me, jungkook.”

angry, jungkook disagrees.

“what are you fucking talking about—no. don’t say shit like that.”

“you kept me together for so long that i don’t know how to fall apart if you’re not around. jungkook, i had to fall apart. i was so tired then. i was so unhappy and everything you did to hold me together only angered me. it lit this fire inside of me and i felt like i couldn’t touch anything or anyone… why couldn’t you just be sad with me?”

“you fell apart before i could even process what happened—” he recalls, tears threatening his eyes. “___, i was devastated beyond belief. i was sad too. i was afraid too. you don’t think i wanted to cry in bed all day with you? i had to get up. i had to take care of zion and i’m sorry if i held onto you tighter than i should have—but i had to. there was no other way i could’ve lived if i didn’t hold on to you like that. you’re my air. i love you, ___ and in case you didn’t know; it hurt me too. losing our—h-holy fuck. i love you. ___, i love you. please, i love you so much—”

you sob.

you don’t even try to hold yourself together. a heavy cry escapes your lips and jungkook instantly lifts his head and comes to you. he wraps you in his arms as you cry into them.

“i love you,” you whimper. “i don’t blame you for it—really, i don’t. b-but why did you stay? i worked so hard and you chose to stay. i stressed myself out and couldn’t sleep. i felt so betrayed and i wasn’t eating—”

“i know, i know,” he murmurs, holding back his sobs. “i hate myself for it. it was my fault—”

“don’t—”

you pull away and hit his chest. 

your eyes sting from all the crying and your throat feels dry. yet, every fiber inside of you feels like it’s on fire. it feels like you’re burning down the room and all jungkook wants to do is slow dance in it.

“jungkook, when you settled, it took something from us. something beautiful—our second—our time.” you slow your breathing to gather the courage to say it. 

to say everything. 

to say it all and maybe, save it all.

“honey, i d-destroyed and hurt more than you did... and i know you don’t blame me; but am i ever going to stop blaming m-myself?” you sob. “i’m pushed into t-this... corner where it’s all my fault—and it is, you know? if i hadn’t stressed myself over your case and just f-focused on making partner at the firm—if i had just i-ignored the f-feeling of the knife you twisted—it was supposed to be this time around.”

jungkook’s heart breaks.

“9 months...” you say, voice trembling.

“don’t say it like that,” jungkook begs. “my love, i didn’t forget.”

that’s just it.

he hasn’t forgotten either.

yet, his body doesn’t ache like yours does. as much as your heart wants to forgive and find beauty in this tragedy—your body hasn’t healed. all those months ago, when you focused on jungkook’s case and stressed yourself to the bone—you made a mistake. you neglected your health to prioritize everything but yourself.

your breath hitches as you recall everything. a part of you feels relieved to have said it all aloud, but inside, it feels like something has burnt up—like a part of you has died.

you reach for him, cupping his cheeks in your hands. jungkook’s tears spill over, and you gently wipe them away with your thumb.

his body collapses into yours. his sobs wrack his chest as he buries his face in your arms.

jungkook cries for the break-up.

for the hurt that’s grown between you two.

he blames himself even though deep down he knows it’s not his fault.

the ache in his chest feels unbearable. you tighten your hold on him, bracing yourself for what comes next, but before you can speak, your body gives in.

everything does dizzy and you hold your breath.

suddenly, your knees hit the floor, and you collapse in front of jungkook, the weight of it all too much to bear.

“i’m s-sorry,” you choke out. "i can't—fuck. i'm so heartbroken, jungkook. i can't—"

jungkook drops down beside you, pulling you into him. as you cling to each other, you feel his heart racing, his breath catching in his sobs, mirroring your own. he holds you tighter, as if he could take all your pain into himself. if he could, you know he would.

and somehow, in the midst of this overwhelming pain, you feel the strangest thing.

this has to be the most painful moment in your entire relationship, but it’s also the most healing.

after nine months of distance, you finally grieve together.

the grief overwhelms you two.

after what feels like an eternity, you manage to compose yourself, pulling away from his embrace. meanwhile, jungkook is still crying heavily. you reach up, cupping his face in your hands again, wiping the tears from his swollen eyes. he leans into your touch, his lips pressing softly against the palm of your hand, his breathing slowly calming down. but then, he moves closer, and you know what’s coming next.

jungkook tries to kiss you.

you push him away gently, your heart breaking all over again.

“... i think you should go home,” you whisper, your voice tired and cracked.

"___, please—"

"we fought enough tonight. i don't have anything left in me, jungkook... just go."

for a moment, silence hangs in the air, thick with everything left unsaid. there's still more. he swears it. he knows it because his heart races with so many more confessions. so many more things he has to tell you.

like the fact that when you cleared his name, he never felt so loved in his life.

like the fact that when you stressed yourself over him and got upset with his decision—he wanted to take everything back.

like the fact that when he let you cry in bed all day over the loss, he cried as he held and fed zion in the living room.

but now is not the time.

now, the hurt aches and he has to let it. he has to let you fall apart. he has to feel this too because if he doesn't—then he misses it all. he misses everything and he can't do that.

he needs to know.

he needs to learn.

he needs to love.

jungkook swallows hard, his voice barely a whisper. “okay… whatever you want.”

you both stand, your movements slow and heavy. you watch as he gathers his belongings, guilt and disappointment twisting in your stomach. at the door, he pauses, eyes closed as he takes a deep breath.

“what about me?”

his voice breaks the stillness. you feel your heart sink.

“what about you?” you ask softly, though you already know the answer.

“___, i don’t want to go,” he pleads, desperation creeping into his voice. “i… i can’t do this. not again.”

“what do you mean?” you force a weak smile. “this is our first break-up.”

“for real?”

you let out a sad laugh, though it holds no real humor.

“for now.”

jungkook takes a second to compose himself.

“i’m gonna pick up zion and have him sleep over at mine... and it’s okay if you’re still full… just eat a late dinner,” he murmurs softly, eyes cast downward. then, turning toward the door, he looks back one last time, his voice soft but filled with emotion.

“for the record, i thought i was home… but if air, space, and time is what you need, so be it. just know, i hope i’m it in the end. i hope i’m what you need.”

they say the 3-year itch is when the sand timer runs out. it takes two people to flip it over and restart the clock. at your 3-year itch with jungkook, suddenly your careers were where you two scratched.

then, the plagiarism accusations came along. as horrible as it was, you thought this was the perfect opportunity to show jungkook how much you love him. how much were you willing to do for him, and how much could your career benefit you two? at the peak of all this, you didn’t know it.

you were carrying more than just work.

at 5 weeks, 1 week after jungkook settled—time was up.

jungkook sits in his car, crying and staring at the ring that should be on your finger. he can’t help but feel all the sides of it. he shoves it back inside the box and opens the glove compartment. throwing it in, he continues to reflect. 

was he insensitive? was he so wrong about not wanting to take the job? the proposal was ill-timed, but was he crazy? weren’t you two doing better? … were you hurting all by yourself this entire time? of course, he hurt too. he was just grieving differently… does that make this his fault? he doesn’t know. he doesn’t care. in the end, losing something is still losing something. 

truth be told, it’s no one’s fault. 

yet, jungkook hits his steering wheel and continues to sob. he wants to blame something. he needs to. as he searches, his heart screams out;

time.

[buccini555]

"𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞..." — 𝐁𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬

Headcanons of how they would react to you wanting to end your relationship after they were rude or aggressive

H e a d c a n o n s

𝑭𝒕. Manjiro Sano, Sanzu Haruchiyo, Kakucho Hitto, Kokonoi Hajime, Rindou Haitani, Ran Haitani, Takeomi Akashi and Kanji Mochizuki

𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐫𝐨 𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐨

tw: threats, reference to emotional dependence(?), abandonment issues, manipulation and su!cide mention

Manjiro didn't mind taking out the anger he felt during his crises on you and he was very worried about ending up hurting you, despite that, he didn't want to and couldn't lose you, for that reason, he kept you under total control, even so, when you found the courage to put an end to that relationship, Manjiro was in disbelief that you really intended to leave him.

"No, you won't leave me, don't do this to me." He would shout at you while holding you by the arm, his words would become even more desperate, making the atmosphere increasingly tense between the two of you. "If you leave me... If you break up with me, I'll kill myself, do you fucking hear me?" Manjiro would say, squeezing your arm even tighter, once again, not caring that you was scaring you with such aggression.

"Don't leave me... Please... Don't leave me..." Letting go of you when he realized that he was already going beyond the limits, he would move away a little and remain begging more and more for your forgiveness and for you not to let him alone.

𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐳𝐮 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐲𝐨

tw: aggressiveness, extreme abandonment issues, victimism(?), manipulation and threats

Haruchiyo ended up being rude and aggressive most of the time because he was angry about something, despite that, in a way, he tried to maintain control because he really liked you in some way, when Sanzu realized that he was losing you when he heard you talk that he wanted to end your relationship, even though it made him angry and angry with himself for not having been good enough for you, one side of him wouldn't allow you to leave.

"I know it seems like I never cared about your love or that I don't care about anyone, but I love you, if you let me... I don't know what I'm capable of." Holding your face, he would speak as sincerely as possible while holding back as much as possible so as not to end up being aggressive towards you.

"Please do not leave me alone." Sanzu would kneel before you and insistently ask for your forgiveness, he really didn't want you to leave him, he wouldn't threaten you directly, however, Haruchiyo would fear ending up doing something against you.

𝐊𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐨 𝐇𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐨

tw: changes in behavior, kakucho continuing to be a sweetheart even though he's broken inside and indifference/coldness or silent treatment(?)

Kakucho was always kind and adorable, despite this, being part of one of the most dangerous gangs made him change almost overnight, making him colder and more impatient.

"In short, is it over between us?" Interrupting your speech, he would say when he realized that that dialogue was about ending a relationship, at that very moment, Kakucho just remained without any reaction.

"I respect your choice, since you want to leave me... Well, go ahead! But know that despite everything, I won't stop loving you..." As much as his true desire was to ask you not to giving up on your relationship, Kakucho no longer made a point of insisting on someone, he wouldn't threaten you and much less be aggressive, Kakucho would just treat you with total indifference and coldness even though he still made a point of showing his side that used to be affectionate and passionate.

"Hey..." The taller one would hold your hand. "Can I give you a hug before you go...?" Kakucho would ask, trying to look away as much as possible to hide the sadness in his eyes when he realized that he had truly lost you.

𝐊𝐨𝐤𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐢 𝐇𝐚𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐞

tw: impatience, exhaustion at work, "unintentional" aggression, extreme fear of abandonment, emotional dependence

Kokonoi was affectionate most of the time, despite this, the stress coming from his "work" really affected him, making him lose his temper with you easily on most occasions.

"What did I do wrong to make you want to leave me?" He would yell at you as soon as he listened carefully to you saying that the relationship had become unsustainable. "Wasn't I enough for you? Tell me!" For the first time, Kokonoi showed aggression at that moment when he put you against the wall, holding your shoulders while he continued speaking with a raised voice, leaving you completely scared.

"I-I'm sorry, please, I'm sorry..." Realizing what he was doing, Kokonoi immediately let go of you and hugged you, he didn't want to hurt you even though he was completely losing control.

"You can't do this... If you leave me... I, I can't let you go, I can't lose you too, you're all I have that's most valuable." Hugging you even tighter, he would say, being sincere in his somewhat desperate words, Kokonoi would beg until the last moment for you to remain by his side.

𝐑𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐮 𝐇𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢

tw: manipulation, victimism, aggression, emotional dependence(?), threats and strong words

Rindou wasn't usually rude or aggressive except when he was angry, despite that, he didn't really care about ruining your feelings every time he was stressed about something, once he realized that you were really about to leave him, Rindou definitely didn't accept your choice, quite the opposite, he really wouldn't react well to the possible breakup.

"...What the hell do you think you're talking about?" He would turn to you with a tan lookI was as scared and would even say disbelieved in his words.

"Do you really think you can leave me like I'm nothing? Do you really think I'm going to allow that? Bitch, you don't know what I'm capable of doing for you!" Holding your arm in a way he never did, he would start yelling at you without worrying if he was scaring you or anything.

"If you leave me... I won't be able to live without you and I won't forgive myself for hurting you if you go, forgive me for everything, please." Begging for your forgiveness, Rindou would threaten you indirectly, he really wouldn't allow you to leave no matter what, he would keep you by his side at any cost.

𝐑𝐚𝐧 𝐇𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢

tw: toxic relationship, manipulation, mention of aggression, victimism, false promises, threats and mention of dependence

It was not uncommon for Ran to end up being rude or aggressive towards you, despite this, he always ends up regretting it and going back to apologize, when you threatened to break up with him, Ran simply did not accept such a choice on your part.

"You want to leave me? After everything I did for you? I thought you loved me..." Ran would say in a dramatic way like he always used to do when you guys fought, despite that, when he realized the seriousness in his words , he would immediately change at the thought of ending up losing you.

"If you dare leave me, I won't forgive myself for what I'm going to do to you!" Putting you against the wall, he would hold your neck with force to make you look at his face, Ran would say in a tone of threat and distress, looking directly into your eyes to make you feel even worse.

"Never think about leaving me again, no one will ever love you like I do..." The taller one would kiss your cheek and start to caress your face gently, Ran would keep saying that he loved you unconditionally despite his actions.

𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐨𝐦𝐢 𝐀𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢

tw: alcohol/drugs mention, betrayal mention, strong words, petnames like "princess", aggression, victimism, threats and manipulation

Takeomi was never able to show the slightest bit of affection, only when he was drunk or drugged, most of the time, Akashi remained rude, not to mention the countless betrayals.

When you told him that you wanted to end that relationship, Takeomi simply laughed at you. "Are you kidding me? Stop talking nonsense before I lose my fucking patience with your annoying voice." He would say holding his arm, but when he realized that you really wanted to leave him, his posture would change immediately.

"I'm sorry, my love! I'll change, if you let me... Well, I won't mind punishing you, you know that, don't you, my little princess?"

Takeomi would let go of your arm and pull you into a forced hug, he would promise you that he would change to save your relationship but he would threaten you right away.

𝐊𝐚𝐧𝐣𝐢 𝐌𝐨𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐳𝐮𝐤𝐢

tw: kanji being an idiot, mention of aggression, manipulation and threats

Kanji was extremely rude to you most of the time, he rarely showed any affection, when you showed the first signs that you wanted to end your relationship, he ended up becoming even worse.

"You were the one who wanted to start this, weren't you? Now, stand by your choices." He would say as soon as he heard you asking to break up, Kanji wouldn't mind being even more aggressive with you because he was in disbelief in the fact that you wanted to leave him, at the same time that he still felt the slightest bit of feelings for you and didn't want to lose you. Mochi simply wouldn't allow you to remain in control of your own life.

"If you leave me, I won't leave you alone, so you don't want to pay to see it." He would say in a threatening tone holding your face making you look directly at him.

[h0ck3yl0v3r]

sparks fly

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

lh43 x childhood!bestfriend

warnings: none?!?!

she missed him, and he missed her. with hockey season starting he was a mess. they had gotten paired together for a project in their english class. it was awkward, none of them knowing what to say.

The way you move is like a full-on rainstorm

And I'm a house of cards

they sat in class trying to figure out the topic they should research about. still no words spoken, luke couldn’t help but admire her as she worked. the way her hair kept falling in front of her face, and how she bit the top of her pen from nerves, and the way her eyes were so beautiful.

And you stood there in front of me

Just close enough to touch

Close enough to hope you couldn't see

What I was thinking of

after an hour right before class ended, the two finally found a topic to research on. they settled on how miscommunication can affect ones life. ironic isnt it he thought.

“hey y/n” luke said trying to catch up the girl in a hurry to get back to her dorm.

“what do you want luke.” she said turning to look at the youngest hughes.

“i was wondering if maybe you’d wanna meet after my game, you don’t have to go to it but i figured itd be best if we talk and clear the air since we got paired together.” he said in one breath looking down at her looking for a response.

“okay.” thats all she said. “okay, ill text you after the game, bye y/n.” he said softly, “bye luke” she whispered softly watching him leave.

Drop everything now

Meet me in the pouring rain

Kiss me on the sidewalk

Take away the pain

tonight was a big game, the game against msu. yost was packed, luke was in the locker rooms trying to prepare himself for the game but all he could think about was the one girl who truly made him happy that he hurt. as for her, she was finding her way through yost being dragged out of her dorm by her roommate who was dating one of the players.

as the team skated out for warm ups all the girl could think about was when she’d always attend lukes games, how cute he was in his element, how passionate and focused he is once he hits the ice. she couldnt help but notice how the lighting brought out his green eyes, and how his small smile still has a hold on her.

'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around

the game ended well, umich winning and luke scoring a hat trick, during his third goal in the third period he finally saw you, pointing at you during his celly. your heart melted at that, almost forgetting entirely about why you were mad at him.

My mind forgets to remind me

You're a bad idea

luke quickly finished changing back into his normal attire as you waited for him outside the locker rooms.

once he came out he gave you a small smile which you did the same back.

“care to go for a little walk m’lady?” he said and you couldn’t help but laugh and nod.

you guys walked in a comfortable silence before taking a break on a bench near his dorm.

“congrats by the way, you did amazing tonight.” you said looking up at him a d he smiled whispering a soft thank you.

“i know i said i wanted to talk to clear the air because of the project but it’s more than that.” he said and you nodded for him to continue “im sorry for everything, truly. i miss you so much it physically hurts and i know its not fair the way i treated you, i don’t expect you to forgive me but i just want you to hear my side of the story. i pushed you away because i thought you deserved someone better, someone who could be there all the time, and to have someone you wont have to worry about having to leave one day and do long distance. but in reality i did it to protect myself, because im in love with you, and i didnt want to have to face losing my best friend, or the heartbreak of when i have to leave for the pro’s but i realize now all i want is you, my whole life, its been you.” his voice cracking and leg bouncing from anxiety. you placed your hand on his knee softly rubbing it to comfort him. “lu, i thought you didn’t like me because you became so distant and went after so many other girls, so i never said anything to protect myself, i was so in love with you, the night i left i had cried to quinny, i thought i never had a chance so i pushed myself away too. but im still so in love with you, no matter how much i try to push it away” you said softly as he cupped your face caressing it softly, “i thought you knew, i gave so many hints” and you looked at him confused, “remember all times in high school when guys tried to hit on you and i immediately scared him away, or whenever id call you after a bad game, or when all i ever wanted was to be with you so i came over for like three days, holding your hand or cuddling watching movies that it came to a point my mom had to drag me back home. i thought you knew.” he said tears now falling softly down both of your faces. “im so sorry lu, i never picked up on any of that, i thought it was just because we were best friends.” he wiped your tears away “we were always more than best friends, so much for miscommunication huh? we better get an A on that project” he joked and you couldn’t help but crack a smile and laugh. and as the clouds began crying too, for the first time luke hughes kissed you. the most soft passionate kiss ever. “i love you.” he said pulling away resting his forehead on yours “i love you luke hughes.”

And the sparks fly

-

taglist: @drysdalesv @shy4turcs @ghostfacd @jackquinnswife

[marvel-ous-m]

Eddie Munson’s Guide for How to Adopt a Jock in Four Easy Steps (4/5)

Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Five

Ao3 Link

A.N.: I can’t believe we’re already at the penultimate chapter! I know it seems crazy that it’ll all get wrapped up after this, but I promise it will. You’ll have to forgive me for the D&D game description... in addition to being a Stranger Things nerd, I have been a D&D nerd for the last ten or so years, so describing a campaign is super fun for me and I sometimes can get off-track. Speaking of which, I did some 1st edition research but I mostly play 5th, so apologies if there are any discrepancies! All that to say, hopefully you can pick up on the symbolism in the campaign scene, too! Okay, rant over, now onto the chapter. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

“Alright, Sir Grant the Good, roll a perception check.” 

The familiar clatter of dice against the wood tabletop filled the room, and it seemed that the entire party held their breath to hear Grant’s result. 

“15 plus three- what’ll an 18 get me?”

Eddie hummed, tapping a finger on his chin. “You see a pair of eyes staring back at you from deep in the tree line. They’re slightly yellow, certainly belonging to an animal, and seemingly a large one.” Eddie pauses to roll a die, then hisses under his breath. “The animal meets your eyes and sees you’ve spotted it. It lets out a low growl- what do you do?” 

Grant groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Shit, um- I draw my sword and I wave to Mistress Emery and Sir Geoffrey.” 

“Sir Geoffrey stands beside Sir Grant and readies his bow.” Jeff speaks from his seat next to Grant, holding a D20 between his fingers, ready to roll initiative.

Gareth grinned, leaning forward in his chair to get a better view of the map on the table. “I come up to stand next to Sir Grant and ready myself to cast call lightning.”

“Um, sorry, can I-” Steve whispered from his place at the table, a chair that Eddie had moved up to have Steve sit next to him while he DM’d. Eddie turned to Steve, raising an eyebrow. 

“What’s up, Steve? You’re free to speak whenever you want, you don’t have to just watch quietly.” Eddie nudged Steve’s side, encouraging the jock to speak. 

“Yeah, um, it’s just-” Steve cleared his throat, then looked at the other three members of Hellfire. “Mistress Emery is a Druid, right? So like, isn’t her animal handling through the roof or whatever? Why don’t you try and take care of the animal before you try to kill it?” 

Gareth blinked in surprise, shot a look at Jeff and Grant, then turned to Eddie. “He knows D&D?!”

“He is sitting right here.” Steve muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes. 

“Right- sorry, what Gareth meant to say is- how do you know D&D?” Jeff gave Gareth a warning glare, then turned his attention Steve’s way. 

Steve sighed, shrugging somewhat awkwardly. “I babysit some middle schoolers. This one kid, Dustin, he’s obsessed with this stuff. Honestly all of them are, but I spend the most time with Dustin. He brought up a druid recently when we were walking around the tracks- sounded kinda interesting, so I listened.” Steve’s eyes shifted to stare down at the tabletop then, and he frowned to himself. “I used to pick up Nancy’s little brother from their campaigns, too. I’d usually have to wait around for at least thirty minutes for them to wrap things up before we could get a move on.” 

The party sat in silence for a few moments, processing the revelation about Steve’s D&D knowledge. Finally Grant hummed in thought, then turned to Gareth. “He’s got a point. Plus, if we don’t attack immediately we save some spell slots, potentially some HP too.” 

“Yeah, but the thing is growling! It’s probably going to pounce at us any minute now.” Gareth huffed, crossing his arms. 

“Maybe it’s hurt. That could be a warning growl rather than it trying to pounce at us.” Jeff reasoned. “Just give it a try, Gareth. I’ll keep an arrow loaded and I can flank while you do an animal handling check so that if it attacks I can try and shoot at it before it does any damage.” 

Gareth frowned, clearly annoyed, but nevertheless held up a D20. “Fine. I approach the forest line and hold a hand out in the direction of the animal.” 

“Roll for animal handling.” Eddie flipped through his binder of notes as he spoke, easily finding the page he was looking for. 

Gareth dropped the dice on the table, eyebrows shooting up in surprise when he read the resulting roll. “Huh- Nat 20, and I’ve got a plus five on my modifier. What’ll that do for me?” 

“The animal walks out of the forest, and you know from your studies that you’re now face to face with an Owlbear. The beast makes another growling sound, but is far less menacing. You see that Jeff was correct- the animal has a deep slash running from one of its talons up to its chest. You can tell that it originated from a sword, but the blood around the beast’s beak tells you that whatever fighter that had tried to attack the owlbear previously lost that battle. You can tell that the animal is more scared than anything. What do you do?” 

“Um… okay. I cast cure wounds and then reach into my pack and provide the Owlbear with a piece of dried meat to show it that it can trust me?” 

Eddie nodded, pulling a sticky note from his binder and handing it to Gareth, smirking as he did. “The Owlbear takes the food, trusts you, and decides to stay with your party. Here are its stats, it’ll now obey your commands and fight alongside you until its dying breath. Congratulations, Mistress Emery.” 

“Holy shit! We have an Owlbear now, that’s so fucking cool.” Grant grins, nudging Gareth’s side. “Good work, man.”

Gareth scanned the sticky note, then smiled at Steve. “Thank Steve, he’s the one who suggested it. Did you sneak a look at Eddie’s notes or something?” 

Steve chuckled, shaking his head. “Nah, it just sounded like a better alternative.” 

“I made it injured so your band of fighters would have a better chance of killing the thing, but Steve’s little stunt had me thinking on my feet.” Eddie spoke up, then winked in Steve’s direction. Steve ducked his head in response, a blush playing at his cheeks. Interesting. 

“Thanks, man.” Jeff nodded in Steve’s direction. “Maybe you should play with us next time. You seem to know your stuff.”

Steve snorted at that, shaking his head once again. “I barely know anything. Besides, all the dice and numbers would probably confuse the hell outta me. But… uh, thanks for the offer. Maybe one day.” 

The party moved on with the campaign, killing some goblins on their route as they followed a map they had received from a barkeep at the beginning of the adventure. Steve chimed in occasionally when he found something interesting, and Eddie even had him roll a few times for some of the encounters. By the end of the campaign, the party was actively strategizing with him, and Steve was grinning ear to ear and giving his opinions on what to do next. The party ended up defeating the ‘big bad’ at the end, a goblin king and four of its soldiers. They recovered some treasure and a map, which Eddie told them would be the subject of the next chapter of their campaign. 

It was about 7pm when they finally wrapped everything up, cleaned the room out, locked up, and walked together out to the parking lot. Steve, who had been pretty awake and alert for the entirety of the playthrough, was now looking much more exhausted. He waved goodbye to the boys and pulled his coat tighter around himself, then rushed from the back door of the school to his car through the biting November air. 

The four members of Hellfire watched as Steve sped off, then stood together quietly under the awning of Hawkins High. Gareth broke the silence, crossing his arms to stave off the cold. “Alright, I’ll admit it. I was hesitant to believe it, but you’re right. Harrington’s cool.” 

“You were right about the other stuff too, Eddie. He didn’t look too good. Do you know what happened? Why Billy pounded on him last weekend?” Jeff spoke up next, fidgeting with a string hanging off of his sweater. 

Eddie sighed, producing a cigarette from his coat pocket and lighting it with his zippo. “Nope.” Eddie popped the ‘p’ when he spoke, then took a long drag of the cigarette. “Barely had a chance to ask him about it, and he deflected any time I tried to get more information outta him. I think it all really messed him up, but he doesn’t want to admit it.” 

The party stood in silence for a few more minutes, all lost in thought. This time, Grant broke the silence. “My mom wants me home for dinner by 7:30, so I gotta get going. But I’m cool with letting Steve into the party if everyone else is. Looks like it’d be good for him- probably good for us, too. He’s cool.” Grant zipped up his sweatshirt as he spoke, then pulled car keys out of his pocket. “Need a ride, Gareth?”

“Yeah, thanks man. I’m cool with letting Steve hang with us, too. Just let us know what we need to do Eddie.” Gareth waved goodbye to Jeff and Eddie, then followed Grant to his car. 

“How ‘bout you, Jeff? Got anything against letting Steve into Hellfire?” Eddie questioned quietly. He took another long drag from the cigarette, watching as the smoke he breathed out disappeared into the cold night air. 

“You know it’s fine by me, man.” Jeff paused, then sighed. “I am a little concerned, though.” 

Eddie frowned. “About what?”

“About you.” Jeff moved his attention from the stray thread on his sweater to Eddie, crossing his arms. “About him, too. I’ve known you the longest out of everyone here, Eds. I can tell when you’ve got a crush. Harrington’s fragile- you said it yourself, and you saw how he was when he mentioned Nancy. It looks like everything is really fresh for him right now. All I’m asking is for you to keep that in mind as you move forward in making him feel welcome. I’m worried that things could go sideways. Either one of you, or both of you, for that matter, could be really hurt if things go wrong. Just… take it slow.” Jeff checked his watch then, wincing when he saw the time. “I gotta run. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Like Gareth said, just let us know what we can do to help Steve feel welcome.” 

Eddie nodded, watching as Jeff got into his car and drove off, leaving Eddie and his van alone in the parking lot. Eddie leaned against the brick wall of the school and dropped his cigarette onto the ground, watching as the light fizzled out in the thin layer of snow. 

Step Two: Get the Party to Come Around on Steve Harrington, complete. Time for the Step Three (which would likely be the last step in his plan): Get Steve Fully Integrated Into Hellfire. 

…with one important caveat. Do not fall harder for Steve Harrington. 

Easier said than done. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag List:  @ellietheasexylibrarian @cuips-not-cute @melodymeddler @i-have-three-feelings @sc00ps-ahoy @singmeyoursimpsong @patchworkgargoyle @spectrum-spectre @devondespresso @thesuninyaface @obsessivlyme @angeldreamsoffanfic @carlyv @nburkhardt @inspirationorinsanity @rebelspykatie @my2amgaythoughts @lavenderagenda @just-a-tiny-void @mamafaithful @breadboi66 @beholdingloser @randomfandomcontent @oftirnanog @yellowdevilkitten @steves-strapcollection @keep-er-steddie @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @bisexualdisastersworld @jinxjinn @copingmechanizm @blackpanzy @failedstarsandgoldenclouds @evix-syne666 @crisisinverted17 @satan-is-obsessed @shrimply-a-menace @anaibis @trashcanniballecter   @thoughtfulbreadpolice @awholedamnmesstbh @chaoticvictorianspirit @jcmadgirl @satan-is-obsessed @tommyvelvet @sleepdeprivedflower @fruitmix @carvingsnowdogs @annabanannabeth @rhyswritesreadsandcries @a-little-unsteddie 

[mikefrawley]

This Beautiful Day (Love Yourself)

Good morning my friends, and I hope each of you is enjoying This Beautiful Day, even if it is windy and trying to rain on my parade here. By parade, I mean a long overdue trip to walk on the beach and see the ocean. Oh well, maybe tomorrow he smiles. Now I have time to touch on two of my favorite topics, me, and you, and thankfully, one of them isn't even selfish. :D. As some of you already know, 2023 found me very depressed and rarely if ever on Tumblr. I believed I was completely finished with Tumblr and with writing. However, here I am, and there's even a good ending to that story. I guess, including a slightly broken heart, I actually felt down enough to finally, at least attempt to deal with a few issues which have greatly troubled and often even left me too terrified to even try for most of my life. I looked closely at this conglomeration of incurable character defects which looked exacly like me every single time I stood before the mirror, but now, after some very tough, and even painful inside work, I honestly feel probably better, and more like myself, than I ever have. Now, while it sounds like I'm simply patting myself on the back, please let me assure you that this hurt like hell, and yes, there most definitely were tears, and even today while feeling much better, I must remember I'm only taking baby steps. Okay now, this next part is for anyone out there who may be feeling this way as well, it's a little complicated, but I've learned I'm learning that the vast majority of my problems stem from a lack of self love and/or self forgiveness on my part. Ironically, most of the needed self forgiveness turned out to be regarding times or situations which I was never even guilty of. As usual, I'm getting long winded, but please, if any one of you feels even remotely in need of self love or self forgiveness, DO IT! I promise you are deserving. And lastly, just in case any of you feel unloved or even unloveable, please forgive me for saying this, but you are wrong. Why you may ask, because I love you! Love to all, Mike ❤️

[siriuslylu]

my tears ricochet - black brothers microfic - word count: 484

“My tears ricochet” but brotherly

Thinking of sirius trying to cope with his feelings of loving his brother, because MTR is supposed to be a song for the funeral of a love story, but this is not romantic

We gather here, we line up, weepin' in a sunlit room, and if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too

at times hating him, missing him, and repeat

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you 'til my dying day

this is just him trying to feel fine with the fact that his brother loves/d him, but couldn’t go, and turned, but not really, except nobody knew

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace 'cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

and he blames him, but also doesn’t, because it’s all he could do, and judges him for not leaving later, but still cares for him, and hurts because he hurt him first

And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones

And I still talk to you when I'm screaming at the sky, and when you can't sleep at night you hear my stolen lullabies

but forgives him, because he understands it killed him to be part of his pain

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace, and so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same, cursing my name, wishing I stayed, you turned into your worst fears, and you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain, crossing out the good years

And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

And at the end, he always stares at his constellation, trying to understand why, trying to stop resenting him for something he knows he couldn’t change, and dealing with the terrible pain that is knowing it now, and not being able to let him know how much he loved him, that he’ll always be his little brother, and would have done everything to protect him if he’d let him, if he’d just asked.

So maybe he screams, and talks and cries to the sky like in the song, because he never got to tell him everything in life, and feels even closer that way than when they were both alive.

Because what’s he gonna do now, with all this love, and all this hurt, and all these tears, how can he let him know now?

Now it’s his tears that ricochet

[chaosduckies]

Broken Strings

Another little one-shot of Nathan and Ryker. It’s short, pretty fast paced, but I still kind of like how it came out. A lot of comfort cause I was in the mood, and this was just a random scene I had thought of. So I hope you guys like it! :D

Word Count: 2.4k

CW: Death, depression, that’s pretty much it!

———Ryker———

Today was a special day. A traumatizing one, yes, but it was special. Not just because it was just heart-breaking, but because it marked the day when my world had come crashing down on top of me. The day when everything wasn’t going to be alright just like my parents had always said. Today was the day they had died. 

Just after I had started my sophomore year in school. I remembered it like any other day. My parents were going on their anniversary date, I stayed at home to watch everyone for a couple hours. I wasn’t as good at it as I am now, but I still managed for a couple hours. They had called to tell me they were coming home late. But they never did come home that night. Instead, I rushed everyone to the hospital, in hopes that it was just a nightmare. That the call I had received was fake. But it wasn’t 

It was a car crash. Just minutes after they had said they would be coming home. A driver had crashed right into them, drunk and placed into custody for driving while intoxicated. If only they hadn’t gone out. If only they could have spent their anniversary at home for just one more year. 

Of course fate has another plan. I remember how broken and miserable I was. How I didn’t get any sleep for days on end. How I didn’t eat or drink anything for what seemed like weeks. 

How I completely forgot all about my siblings for months. 

I regret not being there for them when they needed me most. It still hurts to this day to remember what happened. What must have gone through their heads as they were dying. I miss them so much, and it stills hurts me more than any of my siblings. Which was why every year I spent the day alone. Jasmine thought it was best for me to stay by myself on this day specifically. Mostly because I can get a little angry and depressed at everyone. 

——————

The entire week I’ve been in and out of it. On top of the college work that’s been piling up on top of me, and keeping up with the upcoming school months for everyone, it’s been a rough couple of days. It seemed while everyone was having a good time laughing and messing around with one another as usual, I was just… empty. I felt dead. Just as I have for the past two years. So today, everyone had fixed themselves up fro school, sounding worried about me like they always were, and left just as usual. 

I groaned, heading to the cold living room instead of lounging in bed all day. Jasmine probably told Nathan to head out for the day. He’s noticed that I’ve been more sluggish and fatigued lately. I’m sure someone told him why. They probably jut want to make sure I won’t do anything stupid, which I probably do anyways. On days like this I just lay down somewhere, drown in my sorrows, and hope that maybe the rest of the time they’re not with me will be okay. I just have to remember who I have to look out for. 

As I made my way to the living room, there was a tiny yelp from almost right by where I was stepping. I immediately looked down, shocked by what I was seeing. Nathan stayed? Did Jasmine or Dylan not tell him? More importantly, why was he trying to push a bottle of pills? I looked back, seeing that he was pushing them towards my room. So did someone tell him? Did he choose to stay behind? I should definitely apologize. 

I slid down the wall, watching him come a little closer to me. Why was he staying here? He should go. I might accidentally hurt him like I already almost did. Then I would never forgive myself. Who knew dating a human could be so hard? I don’t know when I’m holding him to tightly for a hug, or how he wants to be held, or most of the time I can never convince him to just take a break and not focus on trying to help me out. But I guess the pros outweigh the cons. By a landslide. 

“S-sorry.” I mumbled, sighing and biting the inside of my cheek. 

“It’s fine,” He smiled, “C-could you take one of these though? P-Please?” He tried pushing the bottle of pills closer to me, barely budging it. Then again, the bottle was full and like twice his own height. 

I carefully grabbed the top so I wouldn’t scare him as much, and so he wouldn’t fall over when I picked it up. I undid the lid, grabbing one of the pills and eyeing it. What will these do for me? I don’t feel sick… just tired. I wasn’t up for doing anything. I just wanted to lie down on the cold floor and rest. Not that Nathan’s here, maybe I can’t even do that? Do I have to keep my attention on him? I don’t think I can do that. At least not for today. I’m too depressed today. 

Listening to Nathan, I took a pill, closing the bottle and setting it off to the side. I trust that he didn’t give me anything that would affect me too much. After all, we’ve been together for about four months now. How could I not trust someone as great as Nathan? 

“Everything okay?” He asked, climbing onto my let-down hand and hugging my thumb the way he always does when I’m feeling upset. It’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking at all times. I really wish I was his size or even vice versa. I can’t really feel when he tries to show affection. It’s the sad truth, but of course I always try. He’s just so small, of course I find it adorable, but right now I don’t want to accidentally do something stupid with him. 

“N-Not really. U-Um, I’m sorry for this, but would you mind not… being around me for a while? I-I’m sorry.” I apologized, slowly sliding him off of my hand. He looked a little sad at first but just nodded, “A-alright. W-will you call me if you need anything?” He asked before taking a couple steps back. My heart dropped for hurting his feelings, but I think it would be worse if I hadn’t told him. 

I nodded my head, forcing myself to stand up, grab a blanket, and lie down on the cold floor like I always did. Maybe when I wake up I’ll feel better. 

At least that’s what I tell myself every year.

———Nathan———

He had been sleeping for the past couple of hours. He must’ve been a haunted from barely getting any sleep last night, on top of the pill I made him take. It was a little past midday, and I had nothing better to do  other than to take care of Ryker. That’s what I was supposed to do anyways. It’s my job. Since I’m pretty much useless in any other situation. But right now he’s hurting. And I’m going to make sure that I help him out the same way he did when my mom had passed away. 

Jasmine had told me this morning that it would be better if I stayed out for the day. That Ryker can be a little careless of his actions when he’s like this. I sort of believe it, but I doubt he’d actually hurt anyone. So now, it was my turn to be there for him. 

I was currently watching something on my phone, sitting down on the floor next to the pillow Ryker was laying his head on. I didn’t want him to think that I had left him. That would be the worst thing to do. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that I couldn’t hold him like he could to me. I couldn’t comfort him the same way, nor could I even do half the amount of the things he does for me. There was no harm in trying though. 

Ryker stirred in his sleep before finally waking up, rubbing his eyes and burying his head into his pillow, groaning. I was guessing he didn’t feel any better. Neither did I no matter how many times I tried to sleep it off. To think that he’s been going through this for the past two years. I wish I could’ve been there for him then too. 

He picked up his head, eyes wandering around for a bit before landing on me. I smiled nervously, shoving my phone into my pocket and standing up. 

“Do you want me to go still?” I had asked, playing with my hands. I had thought he was going to say no before he pinched me between his thumb and pointer, bringing me closer to him. I shocked when I saw that his eyes were being flooded with tears, him trying to wipe them away before any of them fell. Ryker shook his head, “N-no.” 

So I stayed, being placed on top of his pillow while he struggled to keep his tears in. I smiled softly, “It’s okay to cry in front of me, Ry. I’ve cried in front of you before, right?” I laughed to brighten up to meet, happy to see that he slightly chuckled, getting rid of some of the thoughts and emotions he must be feeling. Good to know I was helping out in some way. 

Ryker had let a few tears drop, burying his face into his hands, “Nate, I don’t know what to do…” I jumped, not really knowing what I was supposed to do now either. 

“You don’t know what to do?” I questioned again, “What do you mean?” 

He cupped his hand behind me, looking at me with broken eyes, “I-I mean like, It’s hard of taking care of everyone. I miss my parents, Nate.” He scooted me closer, almost to the curve of his nose. If I wasn’t so used to being so close to Ryker I probably would have been freaking out right now. But there was no need to be afraid. At least not when I knew Ryker would never purposely hurt me. 

I hugged him, trying to make sure he could feel it as much as possible since I know he barely can. He probably needs this right now, and I just wish I could do better for him. He doesn’t deserve to be hurting this much. His parents are dead, and obviously that’s affecting him so much. 

Ryker was surprised at first, then he just tightly pressed me up closer, obviously wanting the same amount of comfort he’s given me before. I admit, I could barely breathe, but I would make that sacrifice for him if it makes him feel better. 

“My parents would have loved you.” He whispered, going cross-eyed just to take a look at me. My heart skipped a beat. His parents would have liked me? Was he serious? Wouldn’t they think that I wasn’t enough for him? I mean I think that, but I’m still trying my hardest. 

“Are you sure?” I laughed softly, hoping this wasn’t a touchy subject for him. Instead, he smiled right back at me, “Yup. They would love the way you try to help me, they way you take care of my siblings when I can’t… I wish they could be here to see you.” Hi slips quivered before a few more tears fell down. I rolled my sleeve up as far down my arm as I could and tried wiping them away, ending up getting all wet. A small sacrifice I would make anytime. 

Ryker sucked in a sharp breath, “You would’ve loved my mom. She liked baking like you do and reading when she thought no one was looking,” He laughed, “My dad absolutely loved building these small little things, part of the reason why they were so happy when they had Angel.” His voice sounded like he was ready to take another nap, but I doubt it. 

“And now they’re gone.” He released the breath he had been holding, shutting his eyes tightly. He really missed them. A lot. Like I had missed mine. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Alright? I’m right here.” His eyes focused on me. He pulled his face away, wiping away the tears that trekked down his face, slightly laughing at me but with an apologetic look on his face. 

“Sorry! I got you all wet.” We sat laughing for a while. Maybe he didn’t think so, but I’m sure he’s feeling a lot better. Maybe instead of leaving him alone for the day what he really needed was just for someone to be with him. It made me extremely sad to think that he had been all alone last year, but now he has me. I’m glad that I didn’t leave. Otherwise what would’ve happened? 

By the end of it, it had seemed like Ryker was feeling all better. He was smiling, but I could tell something else was bothering him. I just didn’t know what. 

“Hey Nate? Um, thanks for not leaving.” He mumbled, picking his head up slightly. I was shocked to say the least, but otherwise smiled. 

“Aw Ry, It’s my job. How could I leave you when you didn’t leave me?” His face flushed a deep red. I couldn’t help but laugh, only to be shut up by Ryker pressing his lips onto me. He picked his head up a little, smirking, “Laughing now huh?” Then pressed against my body even more. I probably would have passed out if he hadn’t realized he was being a little too overwhelming for me. I couldn’t breathe, at all, and honestly this was too much affection for me to handle. Mark that as our third official kiss. 

As soon as he had quickly pulled away, panicking because he had thought he was being too careless. Honestly, maybe a little, but I wasn’t going to complain. If it’s what he wanted. I was feeling a little dizzy from the lack of oxygen though. Not to mention that my head was overheating. Such a great combination. You know? 

But I think everything would be okay. Even if he was still a little sluggish from what happened all those years ago. It’s some progress to help him out. I can tell that this was what’s been bothering him ever since I’ve met him. Why he’s always on edge. Why he sometimes watches what he says. Why he’s always so tired and exhausted from taking care of everyone. I just have to help him as much as I possibly can. 

——————

Idk I had thought of this a while back. Idk if I like it that much or not, but I wrote it soooo why the heck not :D

I hope you guys liked it, and thank you for reading!

[jessidogg]

I'm sorry to say this, but your plead to leave Justin alone just perpetuates white male privilege.

1. He criticized Britney Spears, his ex, for her drinking problems when she was a) being forced to perform to be able to see her children, b) forced to get an IUD, c) being financially abused and defamated by her father and ex, and d) recovering from the mental and emotional trauma of being exploited as a child star. This is one of the main reasons he's being so heavily criticized now. It was not only hypocritical, he ended up doing something worse because Britney never drank and drove

2. OF COURSE the cops say he was perfectly polite. He's a rich white man. He had no reason to fear for his life, the cops probably weren't aggressive towards him at all. He also knew he'd be easily bailed out

3. It is EXTREMELY out of touch to attempt to brush what he did under the rug. My uncle was killed by a drunk driver and it left my aunt and cousins devastated and in a really bad way after his death. Drunk drivers have ruined lives for purely selfish reasons. Just because he voiced your favorite animated troll doesn't diminish that

4. He's a grown ass man. He doesn't need you coming to his aid. People are allowed to be mad at him for his reckless and careless behavior. All your PSA does is try to guilt people to stop criticizing him. That's shitty

Hello! I have read all three of your asks and I totally understand where you're coming from! I'm so sorry that your uncle was killed, that is really depressing and sad and I'm praying for your family still💕

One, I'd like to say that no, JT does not need me to come to his aid. I'm VOLUNTEERING to bc I like him. I don't need his permission to tell people to forgive him, that's stupid. It's totally alright to stand up for people, just bc he is an adult does not mean that I cannot stand up for someone.

Two, you are so right! Driving while drunk is a stupid thing to do, and like I said, I am very frustrated he did such a thing. Justin has done tons of things he regrets from his drinking problems, and I wish he would just stop. But addictions are hard to stop (I totally understand that bc I have been thru multiple myself) but I wish he would just try a bit harder.

But I am not brushing what he did "under the rug". I'm sure that I won't persuade you, and that's fine, but I was only saying that we shouldn't take advantage of this to hate him even more.

I am sick of people going "haha, he's a loser" as if just because he is a celebrity that gives him more reason not to sin. I am saying that him driving drunk is just as bad as anyone else driving drunk, and that being drunk in general is terrible but that also shouldn't be the reason we hate him.

Justin Timberlake would never hurt someone on purpose. We all know that. The fact that he could have hurt someone is terrifying, but it's reality and I realize that. The point is, he made a mistake, and mistake does not mean an "oopsie" in this case, it means a "he knew what he was doing and it was a terrible idea".

In my other post I did not phrase it very well, and I'm sorry about that. What I meant was, Justin did something wrong. I am a strong Christian, and I believe that every sin is just as bad as any other. The difference is, some can cause way worse consequences. Driving while drunk is way more dangerous than maybe lying to your parents. But my God tells me that one is not worse than the other.

Even for those not being a Christian, I think everyone should know that there should not be worse sins, and "okay" ones. Everyone deserves a chance. You should forgive everyone 70 times 7. Then do it all over again.

If a liar told a nasty lie about you and didn't apologize and kept going, but a murderer turned himself in and repented and stopped, would you still say the murderer is the worst person?

The fact that Justin won't try harder annoys me. But we should never put even more hate on him just because he's well-known. He is a human. He is just as bad at stuff as other people are.

Also, Justin Timberlake is a nice guy. The fact that he knew he was going to get released wasn't why he was nice, and being white and rich should have NOTHING to do with what the police say (I find it extremely weird for u to use that description). Justin has been known for being a sweet kind guy and he loves his fans, friends, and family. He has been seen in the middle of a concert stopping everything to make sure a fan who seemed in need of help was alright by ordering security over and asking if they're good. He does tons of stuff around his town just to help out. DudePerfect, one of the most popular trick shot YouTubers, are strong Christians and said that one of their favorite memories was playing golf with Justin Timberlake. There would be no reason for them to lie about that.

Justin should not have criticized Britney Spears about that. That is very confusing why he would, and maybe he was just trying to get her not to go the direction he did a few times, but idk, it is just really stupid. But again, humans in general are stupid. I bet u can name a bazillion times u criticized someone about doing something that you have done or ended up doing yourself.

NOT HIDING IT UNDER THE RUG OR SAYING IT'S RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S NOT, JUST SAYING THAT WE ALL DO THAT KIND OF STUFF

Gosh, I know I'm probably no getting my point across, here lemme try to say this in an easier way. Erm... Justin Timberlake is human. Humans sin. Okay. Sinning is not good at all. We all do it, however, intentionally, from lying to murdering. Big or small consequences can come from any of them. DWI is terrible. I hate when I hear about anyone doing that. You have a right to be angry, I am angry at Justin. But I hate how the already Justin haters are taking advantage of every thing he does and making him seem worse than he is. You can hate him, whatever, but you can't stand beside him everywhere he goes, paper and pen, and mark down his every sin, calling him "even worse than before" with every count. Being drunk is bad!!! Driving while drunk is bad!!! But we should feel sorry for him that he doesn't seem to be able to find an outlet in something else. And we shouldn't hold up his every action, dangerous or not, against him. If we all counted everyone's sins, we would all add up to the same amount of terrible that Justin Timberlake is. We are all dumb humans. We shouldn't hold up everything against each other. We don't know the whole story of anything. All we know is that he was driving drunk. He was probably stressed, trying to have a good time, other stuff. This doesn't make it right. But it should cause us to be more cautious about the situation. Most of the people who bully have things going on at home that is causing them to let out their anger on others. Not saying that's right, but we shouldn't call them "bad people" and basically say "he did this so we're more better than them." That may not be how you think of it, but it's what you're saying.

I really hope I am not making people feel guilty, that is the last thing I want. I just want people to understand my view. If I made anyone feel guilty or it seemed that way, I apologize, that's not how I meant it at all. I just didn't agree with stuff, and I wanted to say what I thought, just how you just sent me what you thought.

Hope I said this right. I may not have because I am bad at explaining things through type. I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I love you all and mean nothing rude. 💕💕❤❤💕💕❤❤💕💕

-Jessi

[theheartslament]

I'm a Villainess

On nights, I find myself getting tortured by the thought of how I’m a Villain in everyone’s story. It’s a realization that came to me while reading the latest chapter of one of my favorite Webtoon novels, “How To Get My Husband On My Side”.

It’s a story about Ruby, a minor villain from a historical novel, who was destined to die at the hands of her husband, Izek. She was already trying hard to survive her dysfunctional family, but now she has to marry the man who is the enemy of her kingdom and who might eventually kill her. To survive, Ruby must convince her husband, Izek, and all his countrymen that she’s completely harmless and not the bad person or villain that everyone thinks she is. Yet, no matter how she tries to change the opinion of others, no matter how she tries to show good, they continue to find fault in her and see her as an unredeemable villain, and not someone who needs kindness and love.

(Webtoon: How To Get My Husband On My Side)

And it hit me — why am I so obsessed with reading Villainess stories? I've been reading it since I was 19, and now that I'm 26, Isekai-d Villainess trope is still a guilty pleasure. I realized that it was because I saw myself as one. A misunderstood villain. I saw myself in her because no one sees us for who we are, no one sees that we're hurting. No one understands the depth of our pain, everyone just assumes we are bad people. Even when I try to do something good for my loved ones, they'll take it the wrong way. Like Ruby, the minor villainess, I felt that no matter how I try to live my life as kindly as I can, it seems meaningless because people will always magnify my flaws and keep bringing up the mistakes that I’ve done in the past while the good deeds I’ve done for them are completely forgotten.

It was exhausting. It’s exhausting for me to prove to myself to other people that I mean no harm, even when I never had any intentions to hurt anybody. It hurts when your loved ones think so little of you, do not even give you the benefit of the doubt, and insist on believing that I’m a secretly bad person for hurting them. I’ve acknowledged my faults again and again, I cannot run from this because I’m a sinner who lives in a fallen world, but it’s disheartening when there are present issues, you’ll hear from them, again and again, the past mistakes, as if God's work in my life is fruitless. I’m unredeemable, and just deemed to be a villain in their story.

Like the villain, it hurt me too when I realized I have friends who have secret animosity towards me. I couldn't fathom how someone could call me their friend and yet all this time they had issues with me that they never addressed. I thought I was overthinking when someone would act strangely toward me, ignoring me and even treating me as if I were a competition or someone who'd steal their crush/boyfriend, despite assuring them I have no romantic interests. I was so hurt they thought so little of me! It hurt me that I was clueless. If only I knew my friend was hurting, I could have apologized and cleared up the misunderstandings and lies she thought of me. But she chose to address her issues with me to other people first while I was left clueless. Her prolonged dishonesty hurt me, God — that she'd defined me as my past self which prevented her from being honest to me. It's disheartening to be assumed that I'm a bad person and easily angered! Frustrating that she’d forgive the other, then put all the blame of her sufferings to me. If they were really my friend, they would choose to see the best in me and not make assumptions. If they were my friend, they would choose to communicate their issues with me, even if the things they tell me will hurt me and they know I might react badly to it. They would have the courage to love, be honest, and embrace my flaws. They would believe that more than my pride, I would apologize if I had to because I love them. But they chose to be dishonest, they chose not to communicate things with me, and not see me in the light. The lack of trust and communication has really caused our friendship to dwindle.

Once again, I felt like the misunderstood villain and she was the victimized heroine. Everyone thinks I'm the cause of her suffering, but not everyone knows or hears my side. They don't know how much I suffered too. I also couldn’t blame my friend for how she reacted for I’m aware of her upbringing. Something that I learned from therapy is that the triggers or conflicts we experienced as an adult are triggers from our childhood traumas.

Allow me God to express my distress that I kept to myself but like Ruby, I felt like I wanted to die. Maybe the world will be a better place for others if a villainess like me ceases to exist. Everyone simply forgets me or think ill of me. I tried my best to encourage myself and live kindly and privately, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that I’m an unlovable villain.

They said I shouldn’t overthink that I’m a bad person and see it as my identity, but how could I not? When they kept villainizing me and bringing up my past? It’s spiritually crippling that people are so obsessed to define me with my past, as if they’ve put me in a box and labeled me in how they prefer to see me. Is there really no good in me? But I know to myself that I’m not who they think I am. How they think of me is not within my control. It's much better to just let it go, and let them. Let them talk about me with other people. Let them think badly of me. Let them think whatever they want to. I am responsible for my actions but it's not my responsibility to change their feelings towards me.

Lord, forgive me for my sins.

There will always be people who’ll dislike me, but I know my true value and that I’m deeply loved. R.C. Sproul once said,

"When I think I'm unfairly hated, I try to remember that I'm unfairly loved."

I am unfairly loved by God and that’s more important for me to know. Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and He rose again. And in Him, I’m a new creation;

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come (2 Cor 5:17).

I am also forgiven, and no longer condemned (Romans 8:1). If the world keeps a record of my past wrongdoings well God isn’t interested in it. He’s more interested in who I am now, and who I will be in the future. In God’s eyes, I have no past, only a great future. And just the thought of this, His patience and unconditional love and forgiveness that is as vast as the night sky, is a balm to my aching heart.

Don't let anybody remind you who you were. Don't allow your past, whatever that is to bring you down. God wants you to move on. He doesn't want you to dwell in it. When someone tries to remind you of your past, show them what kind of person you are today. Tell them boldly you are a new creation, a brand new treasure of the most High. You are God's special treasure. In His eyes you are significant; you are his treasure.

The scripture says in Isaiah 43:4, "Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you..." Wow! Isn't it amazing? Despite knowing your past God loves you! Even when God knows you are flawed, you are precious to Him. Let's read it one more time, "You are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you..."

Despite the anger and pain in my heart, my love was stronger and I could easily make a decision to forget and forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in me. Amy Carmichael once said;

If I say, “Yes, I forgive, but I cannot forget,” as though the God who twice day washes all the sands on all the shores of all the world, could not wash such memories from my mind, then I know nothing of Calvary love. If I do not give a friend “the benefit of the doubt,” but put the worst construction instead of the best on what is said or done, then I know nothing of Calvary love. If I feel bitterly towards those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

The world may tell me to burn bridges and cut off those who have animosity, have hurt me, or no longer good for me, but God taught me differently. Jesus Christ didn't do that with me. He saw that I'm someone redeemable through His blood. He unfairly loved me, and I must do the same for the others. How can I profess I know God if I remained unfriendly and hostile to His children. How will I even experience a Kingdom marriage if I’m so quick to distance myself from those who hurt me, what more if it was my spouse? Will I divorce right away because I couldn’t stand his flaws? When my heart feels like it wants to be hardened, I will have to soften it again and again, till I can love my enemies. I thought I had no more love left to give. I thought that I forever turned cold like a true villain, my afflictions had no end! Misery was my companion. But when I truly learned to let go and accept everything. No more bargains and what-ifs with God. I found that my heart became lighter and overflowing. I had so much love to give that I could still care and give gifts (my love language besides time) to those who hurt me in the past. I have love all along, it never came from people but from Him.

God taught me that the purpose of my trials is not to learn things but to unlearn, and one of those is I have to unlearn turning my heart cold and burning bridges to those who are flawed. I will welcome and love every villain like me. I must build boundaries to protect myself but never condemn and cut off people. This was my common mistake before, and again and again, God brought me into the same situation til I learned to love. If I knew Calvary love, I would have to "Foster a spirit of acceptance, forgiveness, and opportunity for people to be redeemed. This will improve your relationships and give you emotional permission to experience those things yourself when others offer them to you."

My friend, don’t give up on loving people. Give the benefit of the doubt, and communicate. Don’t let built up resentment destroy your relationships.

“Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had.”

― Lysa TerKeurst, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

[tldr] Izek is actually a kind and patient husband to Ruby. He knew she had a past trauma and it was the biggest obstacle in their relationship. He can see she's twisted inside, that's why she seemed distant and cold, but he never took it personally. He loved her and the only thing he could do was to listen, be patient, and coax her. Even when Izek's kingdom tries to make him think Ruby is a villain, he doesn't care. He would still choose her. After 100 chapters, in these panels, Ruby finally realizes that all along, Izek truly loves and cares for her. She kept doubting him, pushing Izek away, but Izek was persistent to protect Ruby and He would always be on her side, so there was no need for her to try to get him on his side. As a misunderstood villain, her past made her feel unlovable, despicable, and unworthy to others, but Izek's love removed her veil of depression that was suffocating her to death huhu.

I really felt Ruby. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’m lovable that I start to keep my distance from everyone who tries to get close to me. But I do desire that one day if it's God's will for me, I want to meet someone like Izek. A man or a friend with the courage to love me despite knowing my flaws and the darkness that lingers within me.

(Webtoon: How To Get My Husband On My Side)

[sittingbesideyoulikeasilhouette]

Desolate

There is no heterosexual explanation for the many stolen glances between Dean and Cas over the course of 11 seasons, so this piece is me dipping my toes into Destiel territory. This is a season 15 fix-it. This is angsty with mentions of death and mourning. I'm thinking of having this be the set-up for an actual story but I want to see if people are interested!

Pairing: Dean x Cas

TW: death, loss, violence (Dean punches Sammy), grief

If you would like me to continue this please let me know in the comments!!

It happened 7 days after they’d defeated Chuck and Jack was assimilating into his new role. God. Capital G-O-D. His surrogate son was God and even though Dean knew that Jack would make a better god than Chuck ever had, he’d miss him. It seemed like that’s all he was going to be doing for the rest of his life, missing Jack.

Missing Cas.

He fucking hates himself for not saying it back. It would have been so easy; it’s been weighing heavy on his heart for years. I love you too. But what he’d said instead was “Don’t do this, Cas” and he will never be able to forgive himself. The first time he’d almost told Cas he loved him had been years ago, at the crypt, when Naomi was controlling Cas and he’d nearly killed Dean. Beaten, bloodied and on his knees, he’d almost said it. I love you, Cas. But instead, he said “I need you, Cas.” Both were true but Cas didn’t truly understand just how much Dean needed him. He can’t blame anyone but himself, honestly, because how in the hell would Cas know he loved him? He buried his feeling under cheap booze and women, and he always made it clear that he wasn’t gay. Which, truly, Dean didn’t think of himself as gay; sure, he thought some men were attractive, but he’d never had the desire to be with a man the way he did with Cas, he didn’t gravitate around them and let himself be consumed by their orbit. Cas had been it; he was the one that made Dean feel like maybe love didn’t have a gender or an expiration date, but he was too fucking stubborn to let himself have it. He was too scared to love and to be loved. And now it’s too late. He’s alone. Cas is dead.

Sam knew but he didn’t, tried to help you he couldn’t. Sam saw the bags under his eyes and the number of empty, scattered bottles in Dean’s room was excessive, even for him. Sam knew Cas was his best friend and he knew he was mourning him in a way he never had when he died before. His death seemed so final this team that Dean didn’t dare hope that he might be able to come back. Sam tried cheering him up, he really did, hey you want to go for a drive? We can listen to Metallica’s entire discography or hey Meat Man, how about some burgers? had been the last two attempts made by Sammy, one this morning and the other at lunch. Sounds like fun, maybe some other time okay, Sammy? and I’m not hungry, maybe tomorrow? Had been his replies and Sam smiled, nodded, and let him be. So, there he was, wallowing in his bed, when Sam walked in a couple of hours later.

“Hey man, I’m heading out to get some groceries. We’re making burgers tonight.”

Dean was tired, so bone-achingly tired, so he didn’t argue.

“Sounds good, Sammy.”

As Sam was turning to leave Dean called out.

“Don’t forget the beer. Grab 2 packs.”

“No, I’m not grabbing any beer,” Sam said, turning back to look at him.

“Sam, stop, we always drink beer. This is no different.” Dean said sitting up in bed and looking his brother in the eyes.

“This is entirely different, Dean. This situation could not be further from anything we have ever experienced before. You are drinking yourself to death, man. You need to stop.”

“You don’t know what I need, Sam. Go and get the damn groceries and some fucking beer!” Dean yelled and Sam looked hurt, but he wouldn’t budge. Dean got up and walked slowly over to him until he was standing right in front of him.

“Do it or I’ll go myself, Sam.”

“Dean, stop,” Sam pleaded, looking down at him with tears in his eyes, “I know you miss him bu-“ the rest of Sam’s sentence went unfinished as Dean’s right fist connected with Sam’s jaw and he fell backwards out into the hallway.

Dean looks down at his brother and knows he should apologize. Help him get up and apologize, he told himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything except tower over him. The rage felt warranted, and it made him feel alive for a second. Sam got to his feet and stared at his brother; there was no anger in his eyes and that made Dean want to punch him again.

“If punching me makes you feel better, then keep taking swings, Dean,” Sam’s voice didn’t waver, and it held no trace of resentment. Dean was sure Sam would let him beat him bloody if it meant he’d stop drinking and feel anything other than sadness over Cas. Dean considered it, he fucking considered continuing to beat the crap out his brother for no other reason other than he could, Sam told him he could, but there was a deafeningly loud boom and a subsequent clatter coming from the foyer than made them both immediately look down the hallway. Other than the noise, the red lights hadn’t come on and the alarm hadn’t gone off. What the hell was strong enough to break into the bunker without setting any of the warding off? Dean ran into his room, grabbed two guns and knives, and handed a pair to his brother. They walked side by side, eerily quiet, down to the foyer. Sam put a hand on Dean’s chest to stop him just before they turned the corner. Sam pointed to himself then signaled to the foyer in two quick motions. I’ll go first. Dean nodded and mouthed, I’ll cover you. As soon as Sam turned the corner, Dean saw a look of fear written all over his face, but he lowered his weapons anyway. What the hell was Sam looking at? Dean turned the corner behind Sam, gun pointed and knife ready, but the second he laid eyes on him, he felt like all the air had been punched out of his lungs.

“Cas?” Sam whispered and Dean dropped his weapons in a clatter at his feet.

There he was, just as Dean remembered him from a week ago. The only differences were that this Cas wasn’t scared, he wasn’t crying, or making deathbed love declarations. He was standing in front of him and Sam, wearing his trademark trench coat and a slight ever-confused look in his eyes. Dean knew that they should check, throw salt, holy water, silver, and a battery of other tests but what he did instead was shove Sam out of the way and head straight to Cas. Dean threw his arms around Cas’ neck and buried his hands in his hair. He felt Cas hug him back, almost instinctively, but instead of the usual arms around the torso, he placed his hands at Dean’s waist and pulled him closer. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, he could hear Sam sniffling from behind them and it suddenly made him realize he was crying.

“Shh I’m here, Dean, it’s okay. I’m here” he heard Cas whisper in his ear and felt his hands rubbing circles into the small of his back and he wanted nothing more than to stay like this forever.

After a few seconds Dean pulled back slightly, finally looking into Cas’ blues and for a second he thought of all the things hidden in the color – sapphires, the ocean after tempest, the sky after a rainy day, Dean’s favorite toy car that his mom and dad had gifted him on his third birthday and that he still had hidden away in his nightstand – he kept his arms around Cas’ neck but asked the question he knew was also on Sam’s mind.

“How?” he breathed, and Cas smiled. He removed his left hand from Dean’s waist and plunged it into one of the many pockets of his trench coat. He pulled out a small, neatly folded piece of paper. Fighting against the part of his brain urging him to keep holding onto Cas because the universe was cruel and he might disappear if he let go, Dean dropped his arms from Cas’ neck, took the piece of paper, and walked back over to Sam who was looking at him expectantly. Once he was next to him, he held the note in front of them and opened it:

I’m hands off starting now.

- Love, Jack.

[presidentofthelipglossclub]

Rescue Bots: Heavily neurodivergent vibes as someone who is neurodivergent myself. I personally see Blades having ADHD. My mech speaks and gets sidetracked often. However, he also is quite inquisitive about anything and everything.

The 'Bots overthink everything.

It usually is just because they are aliens on a planet, but rather they are not aware of how to act around certain people or even people in general.

I wholeheartedly agree that Chase seems calm externally, but in reality his Processor is aching with thoughts about every little thing. He will take an interest and notice every fragging thing, but he would never actually try them out. . . unless?

He makes lists. He makes lists of everything.

Boulder is oh so gentle. He loves and cares for everything. He has this fear that something may go wrong, and the reason would be because of him. He thinks—no, believes— if something goes wrong or someone is hurt, that he could somehow have overcome it. He has anxiety, so he draws to render his Processor elsewhere.

Heatwave is very uptight, but the 'Bot has a good Spark. He has some form of PTSD based on the war. In many different adaptations in the comics, he always seemed to have that harsh characteristic, but he is genuinely loving. He is just terrified that something may occur.

Blurr feels left out. It is the worst feeling. He thinks he is left out. That could be another form of PTSD as well, so he always attempts to get people's approval; despite the fact he cannot control his speaking patterns in different continuities. (I apologise if this offends anyone-)

thank u sm, sorry this has taken so long for me to respond!!

alright so first off blades gets very very emotionally invested/involved in little things. he cares too much about things being perfect. he also gets distracted pretty quickly.

chase takes everything way too seriously. he doesn't know how to interact with others in a calm environment without being extremely stilted/awkward. he also overthinks, but does a decent job of regulating it in most situations.

boulder has so much love and passion. he wears his heart on his sleeve, and gets hurt very easily. he's nice to everyone, and doesn't know how to react when people are mean to him. he's also very forgiving, which has lead to him getting betrayed repeatedly.

heatwave only feels emotions in the extremes, and one at a time. he can't regulate himself very well, and has a hard time recognizing self-destructive behavior. he has a disdain for authority figures (including optimus to an extent) and has gotten in trouble over that often.

blurr either tries too hard or doesn't try at all. he's very impulsive at an extreme level, which has hurt him and others around him. while he's getting better about it, the tendency to go first, think later will never really leave him.

salvage can get very apathetic. he loves being around the other bots and the humans, but sometimes he just doesn't feel anything. he has low empathy but his respect and compassion make up for it. his collections are very important to him, and he gets defensive about that.

hightide has ptsd. he doesn't trust anyone and can't express positive emotions like, at all. he's very afraid of change, and gets overwhelmed by others. it's why he tends to stay by himself, and doesn't make many friends.

quickshadow has empathy, but because of her work she has learned to repress it. she doesn't connect well with others, and similar to hightide prefers to be alone. this is mostly self preservation, as she does get very lonely.

hope my response suffices!! send me an ask whenever you wanna talk about rescue bots, or anything else :D

[fangshing]

Hello!

This a member of the TV Station trying to apologize to you. Originally, I was going to send you a direct message but you have all of my blogs blocked and I don't want to pull what Arty used to and make a blog just to message you. That's creepy.

I want to start off by saying I am genuinely very sorry for her harassing you in the past and while the entire situation seems like a joke, a horrible grab for attention or fake I promise you this is very much real it has been very much affecting my personal life and the investigation with Ezra.

Full disclosure; I don't know you. I never wanted your contact information or your Discord, people would usually just kind of relay others to me expect me to know what's going on but I really am trying my best to distance myself from the situation which is impossible when I'm the only person who's out in the open if that makes any sense.

Understandably I get why you wouldn't want to see what I post unless someone else's screenshotting it without my permission and posting it, both sides have done this and I don't appreciate it and I typically don't see it because I'm very rarely on Tumblr and if I do see someone reposting my stuff without asking (which I'm only paranoid about because one of Sunny's friends has edited my face white more than once) I can't do much to undo the action.

I can say I know that the blogs typically will reblog a post without any commentary because it was meant to go into drafts or something to be commented on later or archived on the internet archive or some other thing I really don't know and really don't care because this is dragging my entire reputation through the mud it's been making everything harder for every person in my life right now.

You have no reason to believe this is me and I don't really have any way to show except if I take a screenshot of this and post it which I probably will at some point, but I am deeply sorry for the harassment you've faced. You're welcome to DM me with any questions you have or for any explanations.

Two things we can say is that we don't have a fictive of Taylor's OC and Arty is a real person, her deadname is in Sunny's callout.

Ben

Since you're being polite and trying to clear the air, I'll refrain from being a sarcastic bitch in this post. I do not forgive you, but its nice that you felt the need to apologize.

That being said, I don't appreciate that you block-evaded, even if your intentions were good. I do not want to speak with you, Hau, or anyone else in the TV Station system. I have made that abundantly clear on several different occasions.

The thing with the archiving still puzzles me. Posts from people who are twice removed from the drama (that is, only involved because they are interacting with me) are being cataloged even if the post has absolutely nothing to do with you. Like, a post that was just lyrics from a nonsensical YouTube video was saved by one. Why?

This entire situation doesn't have to continue. You and your friends don't have to do this. There is nothing to gain from trying to defend your character online. Ultimately this hurts nobody but yourself. People have already made up their minds about you and no amount of convincing will get them to change their minds. They are inconsequential anyway; the likelihood of you ever meeting them in person is slim to none. Internet slap fights where someone is trying to protect their honor has never ended well and has always resulted in more trouble for them than if they let it go.

The nature of human beings is that people will always take offense to what you do, no matter what that may be. You don't have to acknowledge them or try to prove them wrong. Like I said above, its doubtful you will meet any of your online detractors, and even less likely that they'll know who you are if they do. The opinions of someone who is this unimportant doesn't have to matter. If you don't look at their accounts, you will never know what they said, and it can never hurt you.

You don't have to take my advice, but I thought I would at least offer my two cents instead of saying "lol fuck off" because that helps no one.

[mysteryshoptls]

SR Malleus Draconia Lab Coat Personal Story: Part 1

"Allow me to reward you"

Part 1 (Part 2)

[Botanical Garden – Temperate Zone]

Cater: Hmm, where oh where is the little duskweed-chan～

Cater: Man, Crewel-sensei sure does make it hard on us, telling us to go find our own ingredients for the experiment.

Cater: Malleus-kun, your class has the same assignment, right? You having any luck finding the herbs you need?

Malleus: I only have the fireweed left to find. It seems they can be found in the subtropical zone, so I shall harvest them there.

Cater: Ah! Wait, around this time, the subtropical zone is…

[Botanical Garden – Subtropical Zone]

Malleus: …Oh.

Cater: Oh man, I was a little too late…

Malleus: What is this, Diamond? Water suddenly started spraying everywhere.

Cater: That's a sprinkler. They're there to simulate rain to help water the plants.

Cater: This zone has designated squall times, in order to mimic closely a real subtropical place. You didn't know?

Malleus: …

Cater: Man, your lab coat is drenched. You okay?

Malleus: I can dry off with magic quick enough. There is no issue… Ah!

Cater: Hm? What's wrong, why're you panicking all of a sudden? Did you have your phone in your pocket?

Malleus: No, nothing like that.

Cater: What's that… A watch? No. Huh? …Wait, is that a…

Malleus: This is something that Lilia brought home as a gift for me from another country.

Malleus: I had taken quite the liking to this thing… I did not intend to get water on it.

Malleus: …Ah. It is no longer working. And I had been taking care of it for some time now.

Cater: Yeah, I bet it'd be hard to find another of that if it breaks. I don't think I've ever seen it sold in stores, even.

Malleus: …

Cater: But I bet you can fix it with magic, can't you?

Malleus: …This little thing is not a magical device, it is purely mechanical.

Malleus: I do not know much about technology. I cannot fix something I do not understand.

Malleus: ….........

Cater: I see… Hey, huh? Malleus-kun, did that hurt you that much? You seem real down.

Cater: Hmmm. But, yeah, I guess I'd get it, if it was something you really treasured.

Malleus: …Diamond, do you know anyone who may be able to repair it?

Cater: Repair it? Yeah, I mean, when it comes to devices like that, the first person that'd pop into my head would be Idia-kun, but…

Cater: I'm pretty sure he'd run away if you reached out to him, so… Who's more realistic…? Hmm…

Cater: Ah! What about Deuce-chan from my dorm?

Malleus: Deuce?

Cater: Yeah, Deuce Spade. He's a first year in Heartslabyul. Apparently, he's actually pretty good at tinkering with stuff.

Cater: I just learned about it recently, myself. We had an audio system in the lounge that wasn't working, and he fixed it for us～

Malleus: I see… Good to know. What class is Spade in?

Cater: I'm pretty sure he's in Class 1-A.

[class chime ♪]

Cater: Hey, Malleus-kun, where're you going? Wait, you're not…

Malleus: I shall go call upon Spade. After all, they do say one should strike while the iron is hot.

Cater: Eh, really? But if you suddenly appear in front of the first-year classroom…

[Malleus disappears]

Cater: Ah, fast! He's already gone!

Cater: …Oops, Deuce-chan, forgive me ♪

[Classroom]

Classmate A: H-Hey, Deuce… I was just told out in the hallway to come get you…

Deuce: Me? By who?

Classmate A: That's the thing… It… It's Malleus Draconia!

Deuce: Ehhh!?

Classmate B: Th-That Malleus Draconia!? The guy who's one of the top five mages in the world?

Classmate C: I heard that he's descended from fae, and when he gets angry, he'll transform into a dragon and breathe fire…

Classmate D: Why would the Dorm Leader of Diasomnia come all this way to one of the first-year classrooms!? You gotta be kidding me!

Ace: Deuce… What kind of stupid thing did you do to get called out by a super scary upperclassman?

Deuce: I don't know! There's no reason he'd need to call me out, uh… Well, no real reason.

Ace: What, so there really is a reason?

Deuce: But if he's calling me out by name, and run away instead… That'd make me a huge coward. That's not what a real man does.

Deuce: I'm sure Draconia-senpai feels the same, and that's why he called me out in a fair and square way. I just gotta grit my teeth and take him on.

Ace: There it is, Deuce's delinquent side. If you don't know why he's asking for you, you probably shouldn't go, though.

Deuce: Ace, I don't need your help. Well… Maybe you can at least pick up my pieces afterwards.

Ace: I mean, I wasn't gonna help you in the first place, but… Aaaand he's gone.

Ace: Deuce… I'll never forget you.

Classmates: [nod, nod]

[Interior Hallway]

Malleus: So, Spade, you came.

Malleus: Let's move to somewhere quieter. Follow me.

Deuce: …Right.

Part 1 (Part 2)

Requested by Anonymous.

[gaytotaldrama]

duncney week day 4 (a day late): first 'i love you'

an unsent letter from C to D, years after the end of the show.

duncney song of the day: 'i've got your number,' elbow

also on my ao3!

Dear Dunc

To whom it may conce

For the idiot with the green mohawk

Duncan, 

I don't go to therapy, but Bridgette does, and she told me about this exercise her therapist set her where you write down everything you want to say to someone in a letter and then you don't send it. Therapy would take up way too much of my time, yet here I am on my bed, writing to you of all people.

It's been years since we last saw each other, or even spoke - since they carted you off the island and tossed you into some disgusting cell. I'm sure you're already aware, but destroying Chris's house was a really  stupid  idea. I understand that you were trying to prove your "villain status" or whatever, but all I could think about watching you leave was DJ and his rabbit. It made me feel  sick,  seeing what happened to you. Gwen and I pretended to be happy about it, but I don't think either of us were at all. 

I know she called once or twice, while you were in there. I know Geoff and DJ came to visit you. I know Bridgette sent you little care baskets through the mail.

I know I never did any of those things. It all hurt so much, still. And even when it didn't, I never figured out what I would say to you.

But now, I have an idea. More or less.

However angry I was with you after you and Gwen kissed, it didn't mean I wanted to see you thrown in  prison.  I know I can be petty and vengeful at my lowest moments, but I always imagined you'd be eliminated in some humiliating spectacle. You'd go home. And we'd never have to see each other again, unless Owen ever decided to throw that reunion bash he was talking about.

And then when that bash happened, you were locked up again for violating your parole. And you weren't there.

I thought about filling these pages with all the reasons you were awful to me, every nitpick and tiny detail that made me hate your guts. But it's not like I was the perfect girlfriend, either. And, Duncan, we were just  kids.  None of us knew what we were doing, what it was we even wanted. Chris knew that and he used it against us every which way, exploiting us on international television.

I don't know if I really forgive you yet. I guess I'd have to see you in person to know. I've spent most of my time post-Total Drama working to forgive myself. Which has worked. Somewhat, at least.

Geoff says you're in Seattle. He says you're working as a tattoo artist. He says you go to AA meetings every week at the recreational center. That's good. That's really good, Duncan.

I work. Sanford, Sanford & Patel - started as a secretary, but I've clawed my way up a bit since then. Helped win some major cases. Hopefully it won't be long before they're adding a Reyes up on that sign.

Bridgette, Geoff, and I have game night every Wednesday evening. We take turns cooking dinner. Sometimes Bridgette slides me a CBD gummy to help me fall asleep at night. I jog, in the mornings. When I can, I go to the gym. Every now and then, I pick up Geoff's guitar and strum it a little. I still remember when you taught me my first bar chord. I couldn't make a  sound  on the B minor then, but I've gotten better, now. I've really gotten better.

I have a cat. This little precocious furball that Bridgette brought back from the shelter. She likes to claw at my nice leather desk chair and she doesn't like strangers at all; I adore her. Her name is Scruffy.

Every couple of months, I fly out to visit Gwen in Vancouver. They showed me the inky moon you put on their collarbone - I think it's beautiful. We go and get coffee together, catch up. She's got an art exhibition down in Bellingham in the fall - I plan to go, but I don't know if you'll be there. I don't know if I want you to be or not.

I've had a few boyfriends, but none of them could keep up with me. One time, Gwen and I got drunk and slept together. I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but it was kind of good. Which is kind of funny. To me, at least.

Oh, and Geoff and Bridgette are engaged. Which I guess you already knew. It only just happened, so there are no real plans yet, you know those two. Never once made a list in their lives. But I guess if you're not at Gwen's show, we'll see each other at the wedding.

Would you talk to me? If we met again, would you even talk to me? I like to think I'd talk to you. But it's a hell of a lot easier to say it in writing than it is to do it in person.

Would you miss me?

I've missed you. I know people say you never stay with your high school sweetheart, but look at G and B, case in point. We didn't stay together, but sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if we had. Where we'd be right now.

Damn it, ok, I'm just going to say it: I love you. We never got around to telling that to each other while we were dating, but I think it's always been true, since all the way back in season one. I love you, Duncan Russo. It's totally humiliating, but I do. I still really, really do.

And I wish you were

Maybe if I

And I guess there's nothing to be done about that. Over a decade, and I'm still hung up on the boy who I kissed in the back of the Killer Bass cabin, right after puking my guts out. There's only so many people who would kiss someone with vomit breath, but you did. You didn't care. I mean, it was totally disgusting, but you kissed me back. I'll always remember the way you kissed me back.

Just...I just hope you're ok, ok? Or if not, then that you're something close to it. That show screwed every single one of us over, some more than others. The shit Chris did to us was messed up, and if I could go back and time and withdraw my audition tape, I would.

But then I guess I'd never have met you. And I don't know if that would be better or worse for me in the long run.

Thank God you'll never see this letter. 

Love,

Courtney

[my-book-list]

dark doom, honey

“How do you know what I want and don't want?” That got Harry’s attention. “He will destroy you in just one night.” Feeling bold and pissed, Louis replied, “Maybe I want to be destroyed.” Harry’s laugh was dark and cruel. “Not this type of destroyed.” Louis dared to take a step closer to Harry, chin high up, trembling hands hidden inside his pockets. “How are you so sure about it?” Harry closed the gap between them and leaned in. “Because,” Harry said, low and intimate close to his ear. “I might not know the person you’ve become or the person you faked to be while I was with you. But there was one thing you could never fake, and it was how fucking much you like to be praised in bed. You like it soft and slow.” His knuckles caressed Louis’ arm until they reached his neck, making him tilt his head involuntarily. “You wouldn’t know how to handle Damian.” “You shouldn’t make assumptions about that type of stuff,” Louis breathed out. “I thought you liked that too, and look how wrong I was.” “I liked it, don’t you fucking dare say I didn’t,” Harry hissed, still tortuously close to him. Louis took a step back, away from Harry’s hold and his intoxicating scent. “You’re basically a sadist now.” It wasn’t an accusation, just a mere assumption. “How can you expect me to believe you were okay with just simple vanilla sex.” “I wouldn’t call myself a sadist, I'm more into the d/s than the m/s.” Harry simply shrugged, looking composed and calm, probably the complete opposite of how Louis must be looking. “If you like to inflict pain and to hurt, you’re a sadist.” He knew he was probably breaking at least several etiquette rules, that Harry’s sex life or life in general was nothing of his concern, but it was like his brain completely disconnected from his mouth and his mouth had a mission to ridicule Louis as fast as it could. “Not precisely. The purpose of those labels and identities—as many others—is to provide some common language to understand and communicate our sexual and romantic desires.” Harry shrugged. “If a person can communicate them without using specific labels, then there's no pressure to do it. They aren't mandatory, they are only there to help us articulate what we're looking for in a way that makes the process a little clearer and easier.” “How many times have you given that speech?” Louis tilted his head. “Enough times.” Louis hummed. “It sounds a bit too polished, but you made your point.” “I’m just trying to avoid an awkward moment for you.” Harry slowed Louis’ breath with a single look.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have loved.”

Harry never prayed again after that night. by @outropeace on ao3

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