#frank is very me at points. i am the person that could never admit that they loved someone.

[xocasper]

I mean I keep referring to ribs frank as an asshole but honestly it’s not his fault that he didn’t have feelings for them and he wasn’t particularly mean about it, and he really did try in ribs2. but like. Idk. He can still fuck off either way

seeee he does like them. i project on to both of them in this story. it’s very much, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” he’s conditioned, in a way. he’s always thought about the reader as his, but he can’t let himself belong to someone else. he’s scared and noncommittal. the one person he does truly love becomes out of reach because he refuses to let himself fall like that.

jamia is like a schoolgirl (schoolboy? 🤷) crush. she’s stable. she’s dateable. she is the college girlfriend. they can last a while. the reader was his first love though, and he can’t let them go. he keeps running back to them in the fic. he’s just very resistant to being in love and letting himself get hurt like that, and it’s not until he sees them with mikey that he realizes it.

also he becomes an asshole, keep calling him one.

[massiveladycat]

i will never get over people laughing at octavian's death personally,,, he was SHOT INTO THE AIR!!! thats so painful. all the burns and the impact, plus being flung from a cannon and probably slamming into gaia (literal earth goddess) plus festus (gigantic metal dragon, i bet that HURT) and leo (pretty sure leo was burning)

he was a kid and he was annoying to some people and he was usually antagonized but he didnt deserve to die OR go out in that way. the gods are a thousand times worse than octavian, and apollo told him that he'd be a savior of new rome, but people still justify them. not to mind there are much worse people in the PJO universe (gabe, LUKE)

octavian ily they could never make me hate you EVER. idc what you say he could have been redeemed. did he do bad things? yes. but he was so deeply influenced and the day meeting with leo and the others, in which i remind you octavian literally was watching new rome get blown up (no wonder he was livid, his home was on FIRE).

like come on. octavian is a complex character and people aren't willing to admit that he could've been better and he was just a literal teenager in the sake of hating him because everyone else/pjo characters hate him.

he is such a tragic character imo because he grew up in new rome and all he wanted to do was protect it (and he was highly ambitious and aiming for praetor, i won't deny the fact that he was selfish but that is a quality that can be REDEEMED) and sure the way he went about it was messed up but most of his actions (except killing that one centurion) were justifiable

btw im not saying octavian's like an angel or anything im pretty sure i remember him "killing" a 5th cohort centurion once but then she was revived which . . . what was the point of that?? was it just to like make us hate him more?? huh??? and then was it even ever talked about again?? also yeah he blackmailed hazel thats not good also judging from the wikipedia it only said frank suspected octavian because.. he didn't have his spear?? what?? reminder that there is proof that a lot of pjo characters are unreliable narrators and for all we know octavian could've screwed up somehow and left his spear somewhere (just saying i'd do that too ngl)

also "I am the savior of Rome! I was promised!" i didnt know why but that quote DESTROYED me but now i know that it was because he genuinely believed he was doing the best for new rome and he'd finally have someone's praise and they'd praise him like they praised percy and reyna. pretty sure his mental state was not very good in that scene either and nico and will just let him shoot himself out of an onager on accident. also are we just going to gloss over the fact apollo told him that and encouraged him he was doing the right thing?? of COURSE octavian trusted apollo on that and believed it was the truth; apollo was his ancestor and someone he worshipped as an augur and trusted in for omens and prophecies and allat

yeah. octavian's an asshole. but he was a kid and he couldve been redeemed. then again i am a huge octavian apologist and im not saying you have to have the same opinions as i do also i will not be responding to any asks in my inbox im 2 tired to deal with that!! anyways dont go and insult people or me if you think the opposite thats fine !! i was just bored and found this in my drafts so whats the harm of posting it because im not going to get sent threats over this right,,, right??????

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling my partners I'm a system?

💚🐻

To preface this, I don't use Tumblr and I'm using my partner's account, so I would rather ask this anonymously. Forgive any non-tumblr-isms 😅.

This happened a while ago, but to be honest I can't let this go. I feel so horrible about it despite being reassured and I figured Tumblr, who has a lot of systems/people with DID/OSDD, would be able to give me an unbiased (as much as I can give an unbiased account, anyway) answer.

I, (24M), am a system with one headmate, P, (??). (Neither of us are sure how old he is, since it seems to change on the day). I don't want to get into exactly how I got him, but I believe the term for what we are is "traumagenic"? Sorry, again, I'm not really familiar with everything.

Anyway, I've had him since I was 8, and he's been... well, a real pain in the ass, to be frank. I understand now that he's a defender by nature and was trying to protect us, but when you get expelled from middle school for several physical attacks and almost get sent to juvie you start to resent the guy a bit. He's a bit like a sleeping bear, except if the sleeping bear had one eye open and killed you before you could hurt him.

Back when I got out of my abuser's house and went no contact at age 20, I moved in with my current partners, Bonfire (24M) and Greenhouse (25NB) (names changed for privacy, obviously.) At the time I didn't know them, but they were looking for another roommate and I desperately needed somewhere to live.

So I moved in with just the clothes on my back and my wallet (bad move, I know, but I didn't have anything anyway). I didn't care to interact with them all that much, not wanting P to get defensive and attack them for no reason, but they just kept pushing and eventually I relented and hung out with them some.

"Some" turned to "often," and then "often" turned into "sleeping-in-their-bed-and-sharing-our-clothes." At that point I was too far into it and embarrassed to admit I'd been hiding a whole other person from them in my mind. I wasn't sure if they'd even like me after, what with P's history of violence.

...so I never told them. I did my best to forget about anything that ever happened and tried to just enjoy the future I'd always wanted for myself. Bonfire and Greenhouse are lovely people and I was finally, maybe just a little happy. I'd never been a happy person and I was content to bask in it for as long as I was able.

This, of course, backfired immensely. P and I didn't have the best relationship at the time, with both of us wanting to do very extreme things to get away from the other. He wanted to kick me out and be by himself in my body, and I wanted to kill myself to be rid of him. We've since reconciled and made strides in accepting ourself for who we are- it hasn't been easy by any means, but that isn't the point.

I recognize now that he was afraid of being hurt again, not wanting to get out of that survival mindset in case Greenhouse and Bonfire turned out to be super-secret mega abusers taking advantage of our trust, but I also know what he did after was wrong.

He got physical with Bonfire, screaming at him and threatening to kill him if he got any closer. I don't have any memory of this happening, so some details may be incorrect, and I apologize for that. Bonfire, not knowing that P was not, in fact, me, (coupled with the fact that he's a fucking idiot (meant with affection)), he got closer and tried to talk me (him) down. P punched him in the face and broke his nose, after which he ran out of the house and left me to "wake up" a few miles away curled up under a tree.

P left me a note a few days later that said he didn't mean to break his (Bonfire's) nose, but that he was lucky he hadn't done worse. This, in P speak, is probably the most sincere apology I could get at the time.

To try and keep this as short as possible, I'll summarize what happened next. I told Bonfire and Greenhouse about P because at that point the cat was basically out of the bag. They said they'd wished I'd told them sooner, and that they were a little uncomfortable being in the same house as "the lean, mean, stabbing machine" (- Bonfire) but that they were willing to help me manage him if I promised to tell them everything I knew about how he worked.

I did, and it's been years since then, and now P and I are, as stated before, closer than ever. I recently asked my partners whether or not they were still upset with me for not telling them, and they just said that they weren't entitled to my medical history and trauma (which, yeah, but he did break Bonfire's nose) and that they didn't care because, "hey, we basically got a free dog out of it" (- Bonfire), and "we made a promise to love you, including all the less-than-savory parts." (- Greenhouse).

Sweet, yes, but I think I might be TA because, um, P LITERALLY BROKE BONFIRE'S NOSE AND THREATENED TO KILL HIM? AND IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF I HAD TOLD THEM?

TL;DR: I didn't tell my partners about my headmate that's prone to violence and he did violence on them and I feel bad.

AITA?

(P says hi, by the way, and he also wants me to tell you that he isn't like this anymore and much prefers soft blankets and eating fruit to breaking his family's noses.)

What are these acronyms?

[ketchup-chup]

Not the same anon, but why do you not consider the arcobaleno trials canon? Amano wrote them

Hello! So I first wanna preface this by saying that this is no hate to anyone who enjoys the fillers. While I personally do not like the arcobaleno trial fillers I do enjoy the one focusing on the Primo Gen! And to be frank a lot of this is just my personal opinion!

Now, onto the reasons I don’t consider them canon! Which is actually quite a few reasons but I’ll just discuss the major ones.

First, Amano did not write them! In fact, the rumour that Amano approved or had any direct hand in making them is just that. A rumour. This post by boxanimal does a lot better of a job at explaining it than I ever could so I highly recommend reading that.

But essentially. At most Amano may have given the anime staff some info about the arcobaleno’s personalities (and in the Primo Gen case probably info about Daemon’s whole thing) but there is no actual evidence to point to the fact Amano wrote or gave the fillers their stamp of approval to be considered canon.

(putting the rest under a read more since it got quite long)

Second: the characterizations are awful. I'm just gonna talk about Reborn here because he's my favourite because it's the most obvious and it directly contradicts what he’s said previously. I would make the argument the fillers write him very out of character.

What I mean by this is that during Reborn’s trial he says the following to Tsuna:

“The world’s done for if you don’t clear this trial. Don’t you care about what happens to Kyoko, Haru, and your mother?” He mentions saving the world a little later on in this battle as well.

THE THING IS!!! REBORN WOULD NEVER SAY THAT TO TSUNA!! He does not want Tsuna to play the “hero”! It was never about saving the world! This directly contradicts what he tells Tsuna at the start of the Future arc!

“Don’t try to act cool, Tsuna. You’re not the hero type, are you?” “Your reasons for enduring this training, to bring everyone back to the past, or whatever- they’re not you at all.” “Your feelings were a lot more simple at the time, weren’t they?”

Reborn knows Tsuna and knows better that this type of argument/encouragement(?) would not work! Being the hero is not what Reborn wants of Tsuna!!! it's not what he's been trying to teach him or to ever use as his main source of motivation!

So yeah. The characterizations are just. Not good.

Which brings me onto my last point. Which is the most “this is just my personal opinion” of the whole thing.

I do have the belief that the fillers are a large part the reason for many of the most common misconceptions of the arcobaleno. It goes into my previous point where the characterizations are just… not that great.

I do believe it’s why the headcanon that Luce is extremely manipulative and led the other arcobaleno (purposefully) to their doom is so popular and where it initially comes from. When we just don’t see that at all in canon nor do we see any hint or sign that the other arcobaleno hold a grudge against her.

And listen! I am a Luce defender till the day I die, I will admit this!! And I do also have the headcanon as well that she was aware of their fate. But to just water it down to “she misled and lied to the others therefore she is an awful person” does such a disservice to her and the tragedy that is being a Sky arcobaleno (and by extension the "curse" of having divination powers).

There are a lot of other weird things the filler implies (like Luce being pregnant as a baby) that I also won't get into. but yeah, I am just not a big fan of all the implications you get from fillers about these characters.

So yes. This is all to say you will never see me point to the fillers or use any information from them for any discussion regarding the arcobaleno.

If you enjoy the fillers and would like to consider them when you build your headcanons I think that's totally fair and great! You just won't see that from me personally, and I just ask that people don't point to it when discussing canon!

[sushisocks]

cmon you cant just say how queercoded sean is and then not expand on itผ(•̀_•́ผ)

/lh

My need to constantly talk about Sean MacGuire is really being indulged lately jnhbvbjnbh Thank u dear anon <3

oKAY so like, anon, I will be the FIRST to admit that me calling Sean queercoded might've been a strong choice of words all things considered (especially compared to ACTUALLY explicitly gay Bill Williamson which could go for queercoding considering it's only really explicit if you look for it or catch it). I read Sean as queer in a lot of ways, and that is probably in no small part because I'm queer myself. BUT in my defense, what am I supposed to take away from the developers cuffing Sean's jeans like that?? His queer little swagger???? The outfit with that haircut?????? That is a BISEXUAL MAN if I've ever seen one!!!

^me rn fr (always, about Sean and Lenny in particular. My gay Lenny headcanon is a lot more solid though, I'll be frank, and I'm honestly waiting to go the fuck off about it properly here some day lmao)

On a more serious note though, I definitely think Sean's admiration for Arthur can be read as a little bit of a crush in certain instances. Not that I particularly ship that pairing, but certain ways Sean responds to Arthur has always had me 🤔🤔 For example (and I'm really gonna out myself and how often i rewatch his missions here) in pouring forth oil, when Arthur gets mad forreal for a sec and threatens Sean (after Sean has a tantrum abt not being invited along which.... come on), and Sean laughs, there is DEFINITELY a crush-related way of reading that interaction & Sean's response. Not to mention the lil lookover Sean gives him I mean COME ON he's not even that subtle!

Not to speak of the fact that the first thing he does after being rescued from bounty hunters is ask Arthur for a hug - how many of yall Arthur Morgan horny ppl wouldn't die to do the same? Sean was ahead of the game. He's one of you, I swear.

I think Sean being queer makes sense with his personality too, as the sort of laid-back and easy-going one. Though I also think, given the time and the fact that I think he's bi, it's probably not smth he's ever thought very hard about? You know, heteronormativity etc etc, him and Karen having their messy thing going on etc etc, but Sean WOULD kiss a homie and not really have a problem with it. He'd just -- not think about it much harder, you know?

It's that same attitude he has, which leads me to believing if given the chance he'd be very gnc. I know I've said it before but I do headcanon that modern au Sean would def fuck around with skirts and makeup and nailpolish, and have a very loose relationship with his gender as a man at best. It makes sense to me, for someone who is both that easygoing, and has that sense of interest in societal issues, to at some point have the realization of 'oh gender roles are made up' and act accordingly, you know?

And then I'm also taken with, and sort of speaking from, this sort of perspective of the gang at large as very queer. Speaking of it in that academic way, as a sort of rejection of normative society - heteronormative society in particular - there's absolutely an inherent queerness to this entire gang of outlaws doing as they will. When being queer has always meant being ostracized from society, it is easy to read characters ostracized from society as queer; in this way, and in my opinion, the queercoding is inherent to this game, and these characters. It's there at the very foundation of their situation and way of living, and it's why I personally am never going to argue against any type of queer headcanon (and why I'm a proponent of many of them myself lol). Me seeing queerness in Sean and Lenny, is no different from me seeing it in Arthur and Charles, or Sadie and Karen, or Hosea and Dutch, or literally ANY other gangmember.

I feel like I went on a tangent here, again, as I am prone to do, BUT my main point is: Sean MacGuire is so so queer bcz I said so, and becuase why the fuck else would he be like that?

[bethanydelleman]

Mrs. Churchill: The Most Unfairly Maligned Woman in Jane Austen

We never meet Mrs. Churchill in Jane Austen’s Emma, everything we know about her is second- (Frank) or third- (Mr. Weston) hand. But once you read the book a second or tenth time, it becomes clear that Mrs. Churchill was getting progressively worse, ending in her death and Frank knew this. 

Mrs. Churchill is far more sick than Frank ever admits. He often uses her as an excuse to neglect visiting his father.  Everyone in Highbury thinks Mrs. Churchill is faking because it's so convenient that she's sick when Frank is supposed to visit. But we know the truth, he doesn't visit until Jane comes to Highbury, he is staying away on purpose.

But she does decline during the course of the novel

Evidence of her decline: 

We know that the Churchills go to London yearly with Frank, “He saw his son every year in London” and yet, Frank says to Emma, “and if my uncle and aunt go to town this spring—but I am afraid—they did not stir last spring—I am afraid it is a custom gone for ever.” This custom has happened every year of Frank’s life and now is suddenly ended. Sounds like Mrs. Churchill was too sick to go the year prior and Frank does not expect her to get better.

According to Mr. Weston, Frank can come if the Churchills do not visit a family called the Braithwaites, “But I know they will, because it is a family that a certain lady, of some consequence, at Enscombe, has a particular dislike to: and though it is thought necessary to invite them once in two or three years, they always are put off when it comes to the point.” But the Churchills do actually go for the visit. As if they are saying goodbye and seeing people for the last time.

Mrs. Churchill does allow Frank to stay in Highbury for the ball, and then suddenly withdraws consent, “A letter arrived from Mr. Churchill to urge his nephew’s instant return. Mrs. Churchill was unwell—far too unwell to do without him; she had been in a very suffering state (so said her husband) when writing to her nephew two days before, though from her usual unwillingness to give pain, and constant habit of never thinking of herself, she had not mentioned it; but now she was too ill to trifle, and must entreat him to set off for Enscombe without delay.” This seems like a petty power play until we remember that she does actually die at the end of the book. Several close calls are normal for a person experiencing hospice care or a sudden decline in health.

Then Mrs. Churchill suddenly decides to go to London, which makes sense if she’s been getting much worse and wants to consult the London physicians:

“The evil of the distance from Enscombe,” said Mr. Weston, “is, that Mrs. Churchill, as we understand (in italics in the text), has not been able to leave the sofa for a week together. In Frank’s last letter she complained, he said, of being too weak to get into her conservatory without having both his arm and his uncle’s! This, you know, speaks a great degree of weakness—but now she is so impatient to be in town, that she means to sleep only two nights on the road.—So Frank writes word. Certainly, delicate ladies have very extraordinary constitutions, Mrs. Elton. You must grant me that.”

Frank actually stays away from Jane against his inclination when Mrs. Churchill is in Richmond. Mrs. Churchill is actually getting worse and he's not a complete dick, he stays with her:

This was the only visit from Frank Churchill in the course of ten days. He was often hoping, intending to come—but was always prevented. His aunt could not bear to have him leave her. Such was his own account at Randall’s. If he were quite sincere, if he really tried to come, it was to be inferred that Mrs. Churchill’s removal to London had been of no service to the wilful or nervous part of her disorder. That she was really ill was very certain; he had declared himself convinced of it, at Randalls. Though much might be fancy, he could not doubt, when he looked back, that she was in a weaker state of health than she had been half a year ago. He did not believe it to proceed from any thing that care and medicine might not remove, or at least that she might not have many years of existence before her; but he could not be prevailed on, by all his father’s doubts, to say that her complaints were merely imaginary, or that she was as strong as ever.

and later: The black mare was blameless; they were right who had named Mrs. Churchill as the cause. He had been detained by a temporary increase of illness in her; a nervous seizure, which had lasted some hours—and he had quite given up every thought of coming,

Also, let us consider how much hatred is directed at Mrs. Churchill for wanting her adopted nephew to stay by her while she is dying, whilst Mr. Woodhouse, who basically imprisons his daughter with all his fancies of ill health, is widely loved. Mrs. Churchill is the alleged hypochondriac who is actually sick, while Mr. Woodhouse worries about his health, but has no recorded illness through the entire book.

To sum up, Mrs. Churchill was getting progressively worse over the course of the novel. She very reasonably wanted her adopted child to be near her. Frank does actually do his duty to his aunt, indicating that he is well aware of how sick she has become. Mrs. Churchill’s death was not sudden, it happens at the end of a decline lasting about a year, or a bit longer.

[skiiyoomin]

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✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:

ღWhat I think the Crows listen to

Kaz Brekker

Have you seen the way this man dresses? He dresses like a merchant and acts like one. He's definitely a very classy guy, hence the reason why I firmly believe he's the type of person that listens to jazz and soul music.

YOU CANNOT TELL ME OTHERWISE

Listens to Frank Sinatra, Michael Bublé, Dean Martin

I've seen so many people classify him as the type to listen to hard core rock like Green Day, and although I understand why, I genuinely feel like Kaz is the type of person who enjoys the sound of the saxophone, the old school type of songs that your mom listened to when she was in high school.

I will forever stand by my point

Honorable mention: ABBA (He will never admit how much he enjoys their music)

INEJ GHAFA

To me she's a mix of 80s type of music and Taylor Swift. Like there's literally no in between.

I think Taylors more recent songs make her feel empowered in a way after everything she went through in the Menagerie.

Definitely enjoys her older songs though! I feel like she enjoys a lot of acoustic music and often shares it with Wylan.

As for the 80s taste, like you can't just tell me she doesn't listen to ABBA on a daily.

Honorable mention: Queen, just because.

NINA ZENIK

I think this one is pretty obvious

Pop queen all the way!!

Listens to the trendiest artists like Ariana Grande and Nikki Minaj.

Is always onto the next trendy song, never missing out on any.

She just lives for the poppy type of music that had you dancing on the spot no matter what!

She has definitely rubbed it a little bit onto Matthias

Screams the lyrics to Doja Cat songs with Jesper. PERIOD.

Honorable mention: One Direction, because I believe in my heart she has always been a Directioner and she bawled her eyes out when they disbanded.

MATTHIAS HELVAR

Either hard rock music or classical music. There is literally no in between.

Very emo, you can't convince me otherwise

Huge fan of artists like Pink Floyd, AC/DC, Green Day. THOSE type of artists

I'm a firm believer that he went through an emo phase in his life where the only music he listened to was My Chemical Romance and Panic! At the Disco.

Still cries to this day because of MCRs disbandment. Nina definitely teases him for it.

Honorable mention: Lady Gaga, because like I said before, Nina in some way has definitely influenced his taste. Lady Gaga is the bomb tho, I don't blame him.

JESPER FAHEY

Not gonna lie, I had a hard time figuring him out.

I think out of everyone, he has the most varied taste in music. Will listen to literally anything based simply on his mood.

Like Nina, he listens to pop the most. But I think he leans more towards older type of pop songs.

The type of songs you heard in your childhood that bring back core memories.

LOTS of club type of music like Usher, Pitbull, Britney Spears. Definitely a fun person to go clubbing with.

Honorable mention: The Neighbourhood. I am emotionally attached to The Neighbourhood, and I am emotionally attached to Jesper. I just HAD to put this in here.

WYLAN VAN ECK

Ok so the obvious answer would be soft type of music. Lots of acoustic type of songs.

LOVES artists like JVKE and Harry Styles.

BUT

he has another side that a lot of people forget to mention (aka book Wylan)

His guilty pleasures are the sluttiest type of songs. I'm talking The Weeknd, Chase Atlantic.

So many people picture him as a soft boy type of aesthetic and although it's somewhat true, so many people forget the "We could wake them up" Wylan.

Honorable mention: Arctic Monkeys, just like im emotionally attached to The Neighborhood, im just as attached to Arctic Monkeys and I know for a fact Wylan enjoys that type of music.

I said what I said.

[picnokinesis]

hello taka,

I respect you very highly as a cherished mutual of mine. I’m on anon because I can’t trust people not to misconstrue me and paint me as something I’m not. I just want to express concern over your reblog of South Africa—people conflate the situation with them and with Israel in dangerous ways. the key difference is that the Hamas-run government’s mission is to kill all Jews and Israelis. This includes the Muslims and Christians living in Israel. They are not synonymous situations, because there has never been a precedent for what’s happening now. it is naive to think that there would be no risk to the Israeli citizens, because there is a genuine threat to all of their lives. I just wanted to share this with you because it is very painful to see misinformation like this being spread, and how it misrepresents the situation. You don’t have to respond to this; I am sympathetic to why you shared it. I am only sending this ask because I see that you care and I don’t want you to be misled.

Hi there!!

I actually really appreciate this ask, because it made me go and have a conversation with a good friend of mine who studies international conflict and relations, and has a much greater understanding of this sort of thing than I do. Which is gonna be the basis of my response here, but I just wanna clarify that I'm by no means an expert on any of this, or how this sort of situation can be resolved.

I think I get where you're coming from here! And actually, I fundamentally agree with you on a lot of things - you're right, there is a tendency right now for people to draw parallels between these other historical/current situations, which can lead to over-generalisation which isn't really helpful, as some things are a lot more complicated and less clear cut than others. And, also, every situation is unique. You're right - the solution to apartheid in South Africa, and the situation in Boliva are not the same as what's happening with Israel and Palestine. So saying these situations are exactly the same isn't helpful.

However - I do think you missed the point of that post. Or, at least, the point how I interpreted it. For example, I don't think that post was at all calling for a Hamas-led government - in fact, I don't think it mentioned Hamas at all? My initial reaction to your ask, I'll admit, was frustration, because it seems that every time people try and talk about what's happening in Gaza, people bring up Hamas, and whilst I know why, it comes back to the whole thing of like, if you're spending so much time explaining that, no, you don't agree with Hamas and you think the Oct 7th attack was wrong, then you are not talking about the bigger problem, which is that nothing that Hamas did could ever justify what the Israeli government is doing right now, or has been doing since 1948. I know that's not at all what you were saying, but it is really frustrating. I think you're right, I don't think there should be a Hamas-led government (thought, to be frank, it's not really my place to say who should or shouldn't be in charge). I don't know what the government of a free Palestine (presumably combined with Israel) would look like - and I know that building a democracy is very difficult and also dangerous. But we have to hope that it's possible to achieve something that would actually work, right? We have to believe that there can be a future where Israelis and Palestinians can live together, equally, and without fear, and without prejudice, for either side (and I personally think the risk is much greater for Palestinians not being treated equally, but at the same time I recognise what you are saying too). The fact is that historically, a multicultural Israel/Palestine has existed (albeit, Israel as the country state that we know it today didn't necessarily, but you get what I mean) - and so I think that post is a lot less about 'these situations are all the same and should be treated the exact same way, with the same solutions'. If it is about that, then I don't think it's correct. I think it's a lot more about solidarity, and the idea there have been all sorts of awful situations before, and that afterwards, when varying solutions were achieved, people were able to live side by side with each other. That it is possible.

That said though, I definitely didn't have all these thoughts in mind when reblogging that post - I just thought yeah I really agree with this! and reblogged it. So, I'll be honest, I didn't know or understand all of what you said here - so I'm really glad that it prompted me to go and talk to my friend and start looking more into things and learning more, which is never a bad thing. Because you're right, this is complicated. And it isn't black and white.

There isn't an easy solution to what's going on. And I'm not here to provide that solution anyway. But - I guess I come at this from a Disaster Management perspective, which makes sense since I studied that. And in Disaster Management, there's a thing very imaginatively named 'the Disaster Management Cycle', and basically it goes from prevention, preparation and mitigation > DISASTER > response, recovery, development, building back to a new normal where things are better, and cycle back into that initial prevention for future disasters. And so, when I'm thinking of response, I'm also thinking of what needs to come next - what comes after the ceasefire? What comes after the aid, the immediate relief? We've got to think about recovery and development, and what that new normal would look like. And I think, whilst I now see that making comparison the way that post did can cause harm in it's own way, I think that the core of it was that we want to work for a future in Palestine and Israel where there is no displacement of anyone, where people can return and have freedom of movement, where people are equal. And, sure, that isn't going to happen tomorrow, and it's not going to happen next week - because it takes time and it's extremely difficult. And I probably am naive - but we have to have hope, right? We've got to have something to aim for. We (or, rather, someone) has got to be able to sit down and say this is what we want a free Palestine to actually look like, and there will be things that are practical and things that will be idealistic, and things that will be a bit of both, but regardless...we gotta start somewhere.

And, of course, the worst part of this whole situation is that we're not there yet. We're not even in response. We're still in the disaster stage. And I think that is what we've got to be talking about the most at the moment because the situation is getting worse and worse, and I can go on about long term solutions all I like, but there are things that need to be done right now. And, unfortunately, neither you nor I have the power to snap our fingers and do that - but we do have the power to be as annoying as possible to the people who do. So, my friend - I have no idea which country you're in, but if you're in the UK or the USA or any country that's failed to back a ceasefire or has cut funding to UNRWA, and you haven't been annoying to your local official/rep/mp about it yet - give them hell. And then, when we're in the recovery stage, we can start talking about who should be in charge and making sure no one else ever gets killed or loses everything over all of this.

[dangerpronebuddie]

#but i had a thought#do we think eddie really doesn't remember or did he say what buck needed to hear?

Oh, babe, don't get me started on this because I have so many thoughts laskoaksaoks there are a few possibilities there: Eddie really doesn't remember, he remembers something he can't tell Buck for whatever reason, he remembers something that would upset Buck at that moment. But there's also a lot to consider. In my fantasy land I exist in a space where they'll do what was done in castle when Kate gets shot, Castle says he loves her and then she says she doesn't remember because she's not ready to deal with the feelings yet and that will come up again. Because since I'm a "the shooting is Eddie's oh moment" truther and Buck is in a very vulnerable place, he wouldn't admit to it, so to say he only remembers the basics is what he thinks is best for Buck, since Buck is not in a place to receive that confession or maybe Eddie is not ready to say it yet. But it is a possibility that Eddie says that he doesn't remember because what he remembers is Buck and that would just upset Buck. And it's not even that far off, to say if he does remember something, he remembers Buck, because Buck was the one that went to get him, Buck is the one who got him in the truck, Buck is the one applying pressure, so for his focus to be solely on Buck is plausible and kind of expected, but to say "oh, all I remember is you" would not give Buck what Buck needed at that moment, it open a different wound, for both of them really. And there's also the layer that Eddie is uniquely placed to understand how it was for Buck to get him at moment, and Buck is not coping, so he could've also done some projecting and decided "I'm not gonna be the one to trigger him here, not when he came to me for safety" and just, lied to protect him.

So basically, I think he remembers and didn't want to confess, a little "I can't tell you what I remember because what I remember are my feelings about you and I can't tell you that now maybe at all", I accept there's a chance he remembers and said he didn't because he didn't want to trigger Buck further since he's already in a really raw state of mind since he died. There's also always the he's telling the truth and he doesn't remember scenario. That one could stay that way and he never remembers or they could trigger him in some way and extend the conversation further. But, personally, I'm a he's lying believer.

Darling we're on the same wavelength lol!

That man definitely remembers and I too am a believer in the shooting being his "oh" moment. He reaches for Buck twice. Twice! And I absolutely adore that he didn't lose consciousness until he knew Buck was safe.

I absolutely love that they allowed Eddie to be Buck's safe space. Eddie knows exactly what Buck's going through (to an extent, I mean he didn't actually die but still.) He gets it. He had no idea how to process his survival. (Drag and drop Buck into Frank's office already I'm begging at this point.) (Frank's my hero honestly.)

If they play it out and have Eddie remember I might have a coronary. That is my ideal scenario. Something could happen to trigger those memories, for either or both, and it could be an excellent opportunity for them to talk about something they've been avoiding since it happened.

If Eddie really doesn't remember, I wouldn't be surprised, but he's hidden things from Buck before (*cough cough* will) so I'm fairly certain he remembers. But even saying he did would've revealed way too much to Buck. Buck didn't need a confession on top of his death- which he's still refusing to process- so Eddie gave him what he needed at the time.

I wonder how they would bring that up again, if they do at all. They could respond to a shooting, or a bad call where best friends have a similar experience, or even respond to a call on that street. I just think it would be so wonderful if they actually ran with it. 6x12 was the first time Eddie actually talked about it, especially to Buck, and I think now that Eddie's in therapy he could be more open to talking about it.

And honestly the body language is what makes me really think he remembers and is protecting Buck. He doesn't look at Buck while he describes it until he says "this is it- this is the last moment of my life." THAT RIGHT THERE tells me he remembers. He avoids eye contact the rest of the time he's talking about it and subtly shakes his head. Hmmmmm.

I dunno. Anything about the shooting makes me go feral so... yeah.

[ass-sassafras]

Tw: talk of suicide attempts and suicidal ideation.

I'm in a weird place right now. I bit the bullet and told him I don't want a relationship with him or anyone. He was sad and said I'm his best friend. It was amicable but both of us were sad. Then he went against his word and just "wanted a couple of beers." Well, Tumblr we all know what happened then. He finished off his six pack very fast then started on the wine he bought for me that I didn't ask for. We then proceeded to have a night of him screaming at me, calling me names and being as nasty and immature as possible.

The next day I said if he brings any alcohol into the house, I won't be giving him a few weeks to get his shit together and move out, he'll be moving out immediately with no money and a non-working car.

I had a cup of coffee and then went to look for yard sales so I can buy myself a bike. While I was out he sent me a text saying he feels like such a fool, and he's sorry for everything, everything. He said I deserve so much better.

In the end, he seems to understand that although I don't hate him, I'll never trust anyone again. He was my last attempt after my divorce to see if I could have a healthy relationship. I can't. It's not just the aromantic asexual part of me. There are deep psychological issues that are part of who I am. I need as much control over my life as possible, I need peace and I need to know what to expect.

I'm really going to miss him, but I'll only be missing the person he is 10% of the time, maybe 20% on a good day. But even if he checked all the boxes (responsible, stable, good for my kids, funny, nice to me and willing to compromise, no temper) I would still want to be alone. He started to cry at one point and asked if I can hug him. I did and we just sat on the couch and cried together.

We've been really honest with each other now that we know it's over. I admitted that I have been researching the least painful, most effective ways to kill yourself and this led to an odd but very honest conversation about suicide and how much the world sucks. He's had 2 serious suicide attempts that put him in the hospital before we met. I've never tried but the thought has been my shadow for most of my adult life.

He's the only person with whom I can have a frank discussion and be 100% honest. He doesn't want me to kill myself, but he knows what it's like to look toward the future with such deep feelings of hopelessness. I hate guns and I've never touched one, but I told him about how I went in to the local gun shop (Indiana USA so they're like cockroaches) and asked about prices and background checks. He was surprised and told me he didn't know it was getting that bad. I told him I know that when I talk about it, it just makes me feel worse and worries the other person.

I'm afraid that if I talk to my family about it, they'll either use God as motivation because they think I still believe, or they'll freak out and try to get me into a psych ward which I'm sure won't help and I'll be charged thousands of dollars that I don't have. But at least they'll feel like they did their job because suicidal thoughts make people uncomfortable. They just want them to go away as soon as possible.

This was supposed to be an update post in case anyone on here has read the shit I've posted about my so. Devolved into other stuff.

So in summary I will soon get to know what it's like to be single as an ace. We'll see how this goes.

[halechief]

honestly i think what bothered me the most about season six - and while i’m at it, season five, is how completely they subverted almost everything that we knew and understood about claire, in order to make her “more formidable” or “more dangerous,”  or “more compelling,” since i guess they felt the need to make up for the lack of francis. the thing about claire is that she has always been dangerous. and when they weren’t making her look stupid or insensitive in order to further the plot, i actually liked the way that they showed that in her. the intimidation she used with zoe, the way she tried the gentle approach with gillian cole and when that didn’t work, very very calmly and deliberately she revealed herself just enough to achieve the desired effect. am i really the sort of enemy you want to make? she was never, ever so heavy handed as francis. she used the soft touch in every situation right up until the moment that it no longer worked, and when the time came to move beyond that, the destruction was typically just as elegant as her mercy would have been. in seasons four five and six i really feel like so much of her characterisation just started getting... sloppy and awkward. and as far as the asides, i loved the first one, we make the terror. i even loved a couple of the ones after that because they were sparing, they were utilized at the appropriate moment. i loved the ones that might not have been asides at all, when she seems to respond to something francis has said, but the same words are used to the room at large, like when he says that she owes him and she says not true, and uses that to address the room, as well. season six simply took it way too far, and it’s obvious from the EVERYTHING ABOUT IT that they did it because they had simply decided that instead of writing us claire, they were going to write us Frank In Heels. let me bring us back to a little moment from season one for reference as to what i mean, and why i think it’s out of character.

it’s one of my favorite episodes,chapter 11, where claire leaves adam’s apartment in new york after the news about peter russo breaks. there’s a photograph that claire took in the park where she and adam had talked, where he’d asked her about fear and feelings and francis and what she had wanted from her life. he’d pointed out the young woman and said “if he’s looking for you, that’s where you are. over there. before you met frank. alone. curious. absorbing everything.” to which claire replies : you have no idea what i was like when i was a girl. she takes the photo after admitting to adam that what she’d wanted was not just to be seen, but significant. later, when they print out the pieces of the enlarged rendering, adam asks what they should name her :

claire: why does she need a name? adam: i never photograph anyone without knowing their name. claire: you didn’t take the photograph. i did. adam: i think . . . we should call her claire. claire: (laughs) she doesn’t even look like me. even a younger version, why do you keep saying that? adam: not her features, her .. expression. hey, we should mount it. you can hang her in your house. would francis object? claire: .... can we please .. not discuss francis?

from there it moves on, claire denies that frank’s presence is there between them even when she is visiting and ‘being with him’ ( although that is undoubtedly true, francis is always hanging between her and whatever person she tries to love. ) eventually by the end of the episode, claire and adam have had their massive argument, wherein adam says “that is what i find so frustrating about you claire. you chose not to be free.” and she says : no. what i chose is a man i could love for more than a week  ( . . . )  i have a life with francis, i have a future with him. and it’s bigger than a moment. 

HERE ARE THE EVEN FUCKING MORE IMPORTANT PARTS. 

claire rearranges the pieces of the photo laid out on the floor. she folds a swan into the centerpiece, and we don’t see this until adam wakes up after she’s left. the implication here is very clear : you don’t really know me. i am not this false image that you have of me. claire is disrupting this idea that he holds of her, of this caged person, of this person who chose not to be free, who is held captive by her marriage or her choices or whatever he thinks it is that binds her. he sees her as a persona, a painting he wants very desperately to save and keep for himself, and she knows that this is an image she has encouraged him to hold of her, the soft parts, the parts that she is not often given room to express, but i think after the argument that they had, she needed to show him that his view of the matter is wrong, and disingenuous, and reductive. that it is diminishing, though he holds it with affection, with desire, with longing. THEN, and this is why i will never, ever get behind the asides every episode bullshit that they did in s6 in order to replace the francis of it all : claire does this as she leaves:

she pauses, she pulls this subtle half turn -- i don’t know if this has been confirmed by any of the showrunners but to me, this is the first indication in the show that claire knows we are here. i can almost taste what she might have said. she turns, she thinks of addressing us, of explaining herself, why she’s rearranged the photo, why she stayed another night before leaving after the fight, why she came here at all or why she is going back despite us seeing what francis has done to her and how deeply the wound has run. then she doesn’t. why?

because she doesn’t have to. 

claire does not feel beholden to, or supported by the audience the way that frank does. she doesn’t need approval or fealty or admiration from us the way that he does... she does not long to share with us or to have us exalt in her actions, she does not wish to invite us into her thoughts and feelings, because they are hers. she is an incredibly private person ... it is not a performance, what she does with the photo, she doesn’t do it to hurt adam or to dig a finger into a wound so to address it, to call attention to it or explain as though it is any of our business would pervert the earnestness of the moment. the fact that she wanted to make a clean break, to end it without having to speak any more hurtful words or puncture his understanding of her in person. this is her life. not a scene, and it is not meant for us to understand or enjoy.

to go from this to what they did in season six, is just so ... wrong, to me. claire is not a person that gets off on making herself seem intelligent or cruel or wicked. she’s not as prideful as they made her seem, she’s not as detached or arrogant or cold. she is ruthless, she is calculating, she is capable of hurting herself and anyone else to get what she wants. one thing she is not, is ours to judge or decipher. she belongs to herself. and if i’m honest ... i don’t think she cares very much what we think of her choices.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Who's your favorite (non-Napoleonic) historical bastard?

oh I am always chuffed to talk about non-Napoleonic historical stuff.

There are quite a few that I like, but at the moment I’ve going to have to go with Girolamo Cardano—physician, astrologer, inventor, and mathematician in 16th century Italy (that classic early modern polymath).

Born in Pavia in 1501 Cardano was raised primarily in Milan and went back and forth teaching whereever he could before settling in Saccolongo with his wife. Since he was an illegitimate son he couldn’t gain entrance to the college of physicians in Milan, which was his dream, and so sufficed with giving lectures privately and practicing medicine, initially locally, then he managed to snag a good patron and his life took a major upturn at that point.

He made great contributions to the field of algebra and astronomy. He was incredibly prolific and wrote a huge swath of books on every topic imaginable. One of his books, On Subtlety, also prompted the longest, most vitriolic book reviews in history wherein a rival (Julius Caesar Scaliger) wrote 900 page takedown of Cardano’s thesis. Line by fucking line.

I’m not sure Scaliger caught the irony in this.

Cardano was very in-your-face, didn’t brook fools, and tended to say the quiet part loud which makes him amazing to read about but not so pleasant in-person. This earned him quite a few enemies (they’d shark students from him, ruin his lectures, spread rumours etc.) and they really did do a doozey to his prospects from time to time.

He wrote this great memoir called The Book of My Life which presents a very gloves off look at his life (though it does have its classic embellishments and so on that were common for the time).

From the intro of the version I have:

Cardano's multiple self-portraits fascinated and alarmed the readers who scrutinized them, from the censors in the Holy Office to magicians in Germany and England. In this age of religious war and intellectual intolerance, courtly service providers like Cardano endured constant scrutiny, much of it hostile, from patrons and rivals alike. Safety lay in absolute reticence.

Yet, Cardano astonished—and horrified—readers by his frankness. He confessed in public that he had enjoyed the advice and visits of a familiar spirit—and that he had suffered years of sexual impotence despite his best efforts, that he lurched like an archetypical silly professor when he walked, and even that his servants took advantage of him.

No wonder many readers—including Cardano’s first editor, Naude, and the great criminologist Cesare Lombroso—have been convinced that Cardano was mad, while others wondered if a devil had possessed him. The Book of My Life challenges, provokes, and amazes, even now.

A ocuple excerpts from the memoir itself:

Timid of spirit, I am cold of heart, warm of brain, and given to never-ending meditation; I ponder over ideas, many and weighty, and even over things which can never come to pass. I am able to admit two distinct trains of thought to my mind at the same time.

[...]

Truly the cause of a great part of my misery was the stupidity of my sons, connected as it was with actual shame, the folly of my kinsfolk, and the jealousy existing among them, which was a vice peculiar to our family.

One of his sons (Giovanni) poisoned his own wife after discovering all three of their children weren’t his. The second son, Aldo, was disinherited by Girolamo after Aldo stole from him to feed his clearly intense gambling addiction.

Among the things which please me greatly are stilettos, or stili for writing, for them I have spent more than twenty gold crowns, and much money besides for other sorts of pens. […] Besides these, I take great pleasure in gems, in metal bowls, in vessels of copper or silver, in painted glass globes and in rare books.

I enjoy swimming a little and fishing very much. I was devoted to the art of angling as long as I remained at Pavia and I am sorry I ever changed.

The reading of history gives me extraordinary satisfaction, as well as readings in philosophy, in Aristotle and Plotinus, and the study of treatises on the revelations of mysteries, and especially treatises on medical questions.

In the Italian poets, Petrarch and Luigi Pulci, I find great delight. I prefer solitude to companions, since there are so few men who are trustworthy, and almost none truly learned. I do not say this because I demand scholarship in all men—although the sum total of men’s learning is small enough; but I question whether we should allow anyone to waste our time. The wasting of time is an abomination.

Anyway—there you go! Girolamo Cardano in a nutshell. He’s an interesting figure and I didn’t even scratch the surface, definitely well worth checking out if the early modern period is of interest.

Thank you so much for the ask!

[veganpsychic]

last night, my partner admitted to me that he doesn't think he needs friends; he's gotten along fine on his own, and doesn't need friends for "validation". this was shocking to hear! i've been in love with this person for a considerable amount of time now, and while i did note his lone wolf tendencies from the very start, he'd never been so frank about solitude.

it's not uncommon for this lack of friendships to be labelled a red flag. the general idea is that if the person can't/won't maintain friendships, then they're likely not going to be a very good partner. it supposedly signals that they can't/don't care about anyone but themselves enough to maintain anything. i know that this isn't true of my boyfriend. he's caring, supportive, and one of the most loyal people i've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

so, it was hard for me to hear that he doesn't care for friendships. i am a queer person whose friendships were my first grounds for love. my friendships are the most enriching and important relationships to me. my friends are my kin, and there is very little that i wouldn't do for them. i Love my friends, and take immense joy in the fact that i have cultivated friendships with amazing people. in the past year, i've come to really understand what i need in friendships, which has allowed me to identify my favourite ones. it also led to letting go of the friendships that just made me feel Bad, and from there i really understood myself and love as a whole. my friendships inform much of how i am as a romantic partner.

love is a verb and friendship is a choice as much as any other relationship. i said as much to him.

brief aside: i asked him, then why do you need romantic relationships?

he said, i don't! maybe at some other point i felt like i did but, especially when we met, i didn't feel that way at all.

"i'm in a relationship with you because i love you," he said. it was that simple.

we were talking about the same thing, really. he doesn't care for friendships that come only out of the need to not be alone in the same way that neither of us care for romantic relationships out of the need to ... be in a romantic relationship.

anyway, he said that he likes the idea of a friendship (having people to hang out with), but doesn't care for the reality of having to foster that relationship. this happened only last night, and i'm still thinking about what it all means. it doesn't change how i feel about him, but does make me wonder about how in spite of this we are still so compatible.

in general it seems that men don't have friendships in the same way that women do, could that be a part of it? and what about queerness? how does that fit in?

[ayoungauthorsnotebook]

"Trying to Be Me"-Written on July 30, 2022

This was written for an op-ed about being autistic. This was written in the summer of 2022. I still feel this way.

As an autistic woman, I have to always change. I am changing for people, places or just in general. But the thing that I hate is changing who I am for people.

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 22 years old. Then, it made sense on why I was the way that I was.

When I was in school, I didn’t have many friends, I know hard to believe. But I didn’t. I was the outcast that no one wanted. I spent the most of time on my laptop or in my room writing stories that are now gone.

I didn’t have many conversations with star’s children at that point, sadly. But I was trying so hard to assimilate into society. For one thing, I wasn’t homeschooled, though I wished I were, my mom wanted me to socialize. Good thing that did, because I would come home, do my homework and then go to my room and stay there.

Like I said, I had very little friends, and I did what I could to fit in.

For example, I would like certian music, because I wanted them to like me. I wanted people to like me. When I was younger, the worst fear I had was ending up alone and as an autistic person, we have that irrational fear.

When I entered high school, I tried to fit in with the other teens my age. I was in theater, and that made it seem like it was fine, but I was still lonely. When I was invited to cast parties or anything, it was because they felt sorry for me (I found this out later). I was never a popular girl and I’m still not. I’m not a popular person. I never have been.

I always wondered what made a person popular. I thought if I was famous, I’d be popular, but I was never famous and I don’t think I ever will be.

But when I was in school, I was bullied heavily, to the point of thinking of taking my own life. When I was in the 6th grade, some girls made it perfectly clear that I wasn’t wanted or welcomed. One said I’d be better off dead than alive. I immediately called my grandpa, crying, and trying to figure this out. He told me, “Do you know what suicide does to a family? It tears them apart. Your mother would be devestated if you died.” I still hold this to this day. When I was told that no one cared about me, I tended to hide myself in the crowd.

You wonder why I wasn’t popular? Because I didn’t fully grasp the concept of what everyone else liked.

I didn’t seem to like what the other girls liked: Makeup or dressing up skimpy.

I wanted to study history and write about Anne Frank. I know, not cool for a student.

My mom always wondered why I wasn’t hanging around other teens or invited to their parties. I wasn’t popular or wanted, and I know when I’m not wanted. She hated that I spent so much time alone or on a computer. I didn’t have online friends at the time, but I wasn’t always the most sociable person. Boys never wanted to date me, I was too easy to cheat on and I never wanted to have sex. I was a target and I knew it.

When I entered a school called Mercy Academy, I will admit I was happy, for I met a lot of girls that were considered “misfits” like me. I had some friends, but I was still not a popular girl. Popularity was something I wanted desperatly, and I sadly never got it. I know I know, complain, complain. At least I graduated from high school.

When I entered college, I felt more of an outcast than anyone. I wasn’t on a path that I wanted. I changed my major and I went into film, which I really enjoyed.

I had a boyfriend, who was autistic too, but he wasn’t for me. I’ll just say that, because I don’t want to make him feel bad (he has feelings too). But, when I was going through college, I made a few friends but as I got older, I realized I became more and more lonely.

I would again spend time in my room and on a computer, this time editing films for fun (I still video edit by the way and have made a YouTube Channel filled of them).

But then my mom wanted to know what exactly was wrong. I had been medicated since I was 9 years old and it sucks. I was first diagnosed with ADHD when I was young and had the hardest time sitting still and believe I still don’t like being in one place for too long, that’s just how I am.

But I was put on that medication until I was in College. Then it backfired, I was losing weight so qucikly and couldn’t keep food down.

It was awful. They then put me on anxiety meds, then antidepressants, and now a mood stabalizer, cause these people can’t tell if I am “bi-polar” or not. But I’ve always been high strung and people can’t take my energy, I have been told this many times, believe me. People will equate this to being “manic”. But really I’ ve never thought of it that way.

I am a very energetic person and usually a positive person. But there are times when I am a realist. I have to see the reality in things.

People would say “You had a pretty good childhood”. But I would disagree. Yes, I had a home, clothes, toys and everything a child could ever want, but I longed for friends and real friends, not ones that just “felt sorry for me” or just liked me because it seemed I would help them out all the time.

I am the person who is always caring and if you know me personally, you know that I would literally give you what I have to make sure you’re taken care of . This has taken it’s toll on me. I have a “Friend” who only calls me when she needs something. It’s usually to pick her up or take her somewhere, or take her roommate somewhere. When they were down on their luck, I was the only one helping them and trying to get them back on their feet. When they were in the postion of being evicted, I made several phone calls and tried to get them a place to crash. When I did find them a suitable place with someone who knew a friend of mine, she just basically never told me that the situation was solved, and I was worried sick that something had happened. Nope. Well, that was when I decided I was done helping. I can only help so much. I really can.

That also comes with the situation of relationships. I’ve had a total of 9 boy friends and that’s a lot comapred to other girls. I was always the girl that boys would see as “Friends” instead of potiental girlfriends. I waited for a guy to ask me out so many times, that it became nearly impossible for me to date anyone. I would see other girls have boyfriends and I was envious.

When I did get boyfriends, some of them were the “Rejects” and no one wanted them and the guys I wanted, I could never have, because I just wasn’t their type. The guys I dated in college were nice, but it was always me doing everything for them and again, I had to put in most of the work. The last few boyfriends I had, some tried to change who I was completly or my friends that I had, didn’t like them at all.

I am the proud owner of some Deanna Durbin Merch and that includes 5 dolls. My ex wanted me to get rid of them because he hated dolls. I told him they mean a lot to me and I wanted to hold on to them. We broke up a few weeks later. I am not going to get rid of my things because you don’t like them. I have Deanna Durbin scrapbooks, movies, posters and dolls. I love all those things and I am going to keep them.

He also said in order to make room in my apartment, he also said I needed to get rid of my scrapbooks. Now, I will tell you that I inherited some Jobyna Ralston scrapbooks from her late son and I will not be giving those up at all. Those are worth so much to me, more than any boyfriend. So I picked them over him. Do I regret it? No, not one bit. I was put in situations where I didn’t feel comfortable.

I usually am put in situations where I don’t feel comfortable. This is why I spent most of 2020 alone. When the pandemic first began, I had a boyfriend, but then we just split because we couldn’t see each other and I am someone who needs human interaction or connections. So we split. It wasn’t working out anyways. Trying to date as an autistic person was very difficult. It’s not like we can just express our feelings, we do that sometimes too much, or try to please everyone.

That is one of my worst traits. I try to make everyone happy that I sacrifice own happiness. But I did have one ex say to me, “You don’t know what happiness is, because you’re so depressed.” But because I’ve sacrificed my own happiness for the sake of others, I am not trying to do things that MAKE ME HAPPY. For one thing, I love to go and look at Barnes and Noble, write or edit videos. I definitely like being with friends, but I like to have ‘me’ time. Some say that I do things out of impulse, which sometimes Autistic people are. I like to buy journals and then write stories in them. Some of the stories I have written are incomplete, but I love writing.

When my own happiness was to make others happy, that made me feel so worn out. I would do everything I could to make others happy. But to be honest, I am not caring about that much anymore, because I am doing a lot of self care. When I was younger, I would help my grandparents, and as one does, try to spend time with them. But then they all died, and I have no grandparents at all.

I am also a person who attaches themselves to people quite easily and when they leave or die, I don’t get over it. But I’m slowly learning how to accept that people come and go and that’s how life is. I’m teaching an ex to do the same. We broke up and we dated twice, but I’m exhausted hearing how I suck at everything or how it’s all my fault.

In the case of my grandparent’s dying, I was not given any type of grief therapy, which I really needed. My older brother needed the attention and I got kinda brushed to the side, trying to be the good kid. I was having meltdowns of my own. Then, I was cyberbullied in 2012 and stayed off Facebook for an entire year and I deleted my Tumblr. When I tried to send Tumblr support to help, they were useless and couldn’t help with the cyberbulling. The problem is that people, who didn’t even know me, would bully me over stupid shit and they repeated what I’ve been told for years “You’re better off dead than alive” and this time, I actually tried to do something about it.

My mom was very concerned and she tried to tell me that these people are awful and I need to be off social media etc. I didn’t want to leave Instagram, I wasn’t having issues there, but Facebook and Tumblr, were the worst. Since I’ve gone back to Tumblr, I have no real interest in it anymore and it’s nothing than just a blog site, where only the “popular” people reblog your stuff or follow you. See, that “popular” issue again! I had a blog and it did pretty well, but I had it for a few years. But looking back on it, I really didn’t need all that. If I had known then what I knew now, I would have done better, but I didn’t know what I know now.

When I was a kid, my mom would wonder why so many kids in a class got an invite to a party and why I wasn’t included. I told her because they didn’t like me and I wasn’t wanted. She would then proceed to call said parent and ask why I didn’t get an invitation.

Well, one parent straight out said to my mom, and I heard the whole conversation, and it was the first time I had seen my mother cry.

The parent said “Your KID IS A FREAK! She’s not welcome around my daughter!” My mom couldn’t say anything, but “well, she never wanted to be invited anyways” and hung up the phone. After she hung up the phone, she began to cry. She knew her daughter had social issues, and she tried everything she could to help her.

Though people, especially my exes, don’t like my parents, when I try to tell them that they are helping me with my life. I’m autistic, I need help. I don’t want to risk losing my mother or my father’s relationship.

When I wasn’t invited to another party, my mom asked why. She wanted me to have friends so badly, and be happy, but truth was, I was never wanted. I’m not a bad person, I’m very nice (you can ask anyone), but I have a hard time talking with people about things that aren’t about movies, or the Holocaust, or both.

That’s why I have an easier time talking with Holocaust survivors, or star’s kids, which I have spoken to a lot of them over the course of five years.

Everytime I had friends, it’s like I had to change who I was and give up what I liked, which was movies or the Holocaust. I was getting tired of giving them up for the sake of others.

I finally have friends who appreciate me for what I like. On Twitter, I found so many friends, who I hold near and dear to me. They know that I’m autistic and I am not good with social situations, which is weird because I volunteer at the Holocaust Museum and I work at a grocery store.

I was put on disability in late 2018. My exes can’t understand why I was on it. “You’re fine! You don’t need that help!” Yes I do. I need it so much. It is very hard for me to hold down a job and I barely make enough to live on my own, but I applied for disability housing and that’s how I’ve lived on my own for a couple of years. But now, that I am engaged, my apartment is much too small for the two of us, so we are going to live in a little larger apartment. My mom is concerned about me giving up my own place, but I am ready for this new phase in my life. But with disability, I can only work 20 hours a week and 4 hours a day. People call me weak and they call me lazy. Look, I can only take so much before I want to go home. You’re lucky that I have a job and that I contribute to society.

I tried a disability job, but they treated me so badly that I left. If at any time I don’t feel good in a job, or I feel the situation isn’t right, I leave and that’s why I have the extra money from disability to help out with money if I am between jobs. My brother has been on disability since he was 18 and I was working full time jobs, I had two jobs at one point to try to make enough money. But, I finally learned that I couldn’t do an 8 hour day anymore. Sadly, there have been jobs at the museum I want to take, but alas, they are full time and frankly I don’t want to be caught in the Houston traffic for a job. I’d rather volunteer and do everything than fail at one of the jobs and not have it anymore. But I like my job, but when I move in with my fiancee, it’ll be 30 mins away and I don’t want to try to drive all the way down to where I use to live. So I am trying to find a job that will allow me to work 20 hours up here.

Me working that many hours doesn’t make me enough, I know, but it gives me time to recharge and recoup.

When I was growing up, I was taught that family was everything. People who know me, know that I am a family oriented woman. I love my mom, dad and my brother (even though he’s an asshole).

My mom nearly died in 2016 and I was losing myself completely. I had to break it off with my boyfriend and I was trying to get through college.

I really was trying to stay afloat.

Fast foward to now, I am working, I live by myself (something docotors said I’d never do) and getting married (something doctors said I’d also never do).

Docotors have told my mom that I would need to placed somewhere I would be cared for, and I would never marry or have any kind of relationship.

Well, I am beating those odds, for right now.

As of now, I am learning to put myself first, and trying to not change who I am for anyone. I am done with that. If you don’t like me now, then it’s your loss. I also am learning to let the toxic people go and surround myself with people who actually want me around or who love me. I’m done with trying to please everyone and be there for people who aren’t there for me.

You can hate me if you want, I’ve been hated all my life, because I exist and I am doing my best to try to exist like everyone else.

When I first saw the show “Love on the Spectrum” I thought they were exploiting people who have autism because they want to find love. That’s good and all, but my mom tried to explain they wanted to show how hard it was for us to even have a relationship. I should know, I put everything into a relationship.

I am loving, caring and I do my best not to hurt other people, though sometimes I do. I hurt people’s feelings, or I say something out of context and instead of people telling me “hey, dude, let’s talk about it,” they block me or they just talk shit about me. I wish I could talk shit about them, but of course, my empathetic self goes, “You want to be the bigger person”. On Twitter, people would say “Omg Kate, you’re one of the sweetest people!” You know why I’m like that? Becuase I’ve been told “You’re not welcomed” or “wanted” all my life and I don’t want to do that to other people. I always treat each day as if it were my last. Because when I was young, I was always told I was going to die young. I hope that is not the case with me. Though I’ve almost died twice, I am just someone who wants to give love to others.

I am autistic. That’s who I am. If you don’t like me, that’s your loss

[fruggo]

I’m not gonna lie this would be the first time I requested something so if I do something wrong I’m really sorry,

Can I request Quentin, Leon, Steve, and Frank meeting a female reader who, before the entity took her, had already faced off her own killer?

And this made her kinda tough? Like she knows what she’s doing

oh my gosh thank you so much!! this is my first ever request to fulfill so we’re in this together :DD seriously i really appreciate you!

i decided to do a headcanon kind of format for this, i hope that’s okay! also these are my absolute favorite boys aaahhh this is so fun for a first request

the boys x tough f!reader (part 1) (part 2)

warnings: swearing, reader kicks frank in the shins

word count: ~700-1k each (sorry if it’s too long…i kind of got really excited and uhhh maybe i got carried away,, yeah. sorry)

(also i'll be honest quentin's is not my best. that was the one that got eaten by the tumblr abyss and i had to write all over again, and it just didn't come out the same way that i wanted it to at first :( i did the other boys hoping i'd get some inspiration to fix it afterwards, but i got kind of stuck. so it's not my favorite, but i hope you like it okay! i want to write better stuff for quentin in the future, he is my favorite sleepy boy <3)

𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐓𝐇

when you arrived in the realm, everyone thought you would be the same as the others—frightened, confused, and overwhelmed. but you took this nightmarish challenge in stride, adapting to your surroundings quickly and learning far faster than anybody else had.

your past experiences had made you independent and sometimes distrustful, so once you had the gist of things, you didn’t need (or want) anybody to tell you what to do. and nobody was inclined to, either—your instincts naturally told you what to do and when.

the first time you met quentin was a little awkward, i wont lie. you were wary of speaking to the other survivors; you weren’t going to let yourself get hurt again.

it was the beginning of a trial. the nurse’s fatigued shrills could be heard all the way from the edge of the wrecker’s yard, but you immediately started work on a generator, unafraid. a few minutes passed, when soft footsteps indicated someone’s approach. it was quentin—he started to work on the wires without hesitation.

you were a little surprised, only because the other survivors usually left you to your own devices. you got the impression that maybe they were intimidated by you, which you didn’t particularly mind. but you wouldn’t particularly mind some company now and then, either.

it was comfortably silent for a while, before quentin spoke up.

“what’s your name?” he asked, gaze still focused on the wires.

hesitating a little, you told him. then you said, “and you’re quentin, right?” you already knew most everybody’s name just from observation.

“that i am,” he replied.

then it was quiet for a while.

very quiet.

well, what were you supposed to say now?

the silence was deafening and very, very uncomfortable to you. normally you were okay with a quiet atmosphere, but it was the kind of silence that buzzed in your ears, chewed at your stomach, filled the area as if it were something solid. man, what were you supposed to say—

it was then that you realized poor quentin had fallen asleep, his face smooshed onto the generator. his cheek was now covered in grease and grime.

it made you smile—only a little. you finished repairing the generator on your own, causing quentin to wake with a start and bang his head on the pole protruding from the machine. he swore like a sailor until he realized where he was, smiling sheepishly.

“sorry, i wanted you to have your nap. you looked really tired,” you said. you also couldn’t stop admiring the dark grease on his face—it was really quite funny. and no, you weren’t going to say anything about it. it could stay there a little longer.

you spent the rest of the trial running the nurse around the whole wrecker’s yard, only suffering one injury until the end. quentin had no idea how you had been here for such little time and already knew how to outplay the nurse, one of the most difficult killers to survive against. he still didn’t know how to do it well himself, so he was thankful for you.

however, once the exit gates were opened, you found yourself in a bad spot. the nurse had caught you in an empty clearing with nowhere to hide or predict her moves, and she downed you instantly. quentin cringed hearing your agonized scream as you were hooked.

there was no way you were dying on his watch. once he was sure the nurse was gone, he gently lifted you from the hook, pulling out his medical kit to begin patching up your shoulder.

despite the pain, you had enough energy to smile at him and say, “thanks, nap boy.”

quentin feigned offense with a wry grin, pulling out some gauze. “is that all i’m going to be to you? nap boy?”

you hummed, pretending to be deep in thought. “maybe you won’t be if you get me out of here.”

“that won’t be a problem," he smiled, quirking an eyebrow.

“show me the gates and then we’ll talk, nap boy.”

from then on, quentin became your go-to source for supplies and general comfort. you weren't scared of this place, but it was nice to know you had somebody who would really be there for you.

he would often fall asleep on your shoulder at the campfire--he really was a nap boy, and you would never let him live that down.

𝐋𝐄𝐎𝐍 𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐃𝐘

leon could not tear his eyes away from you the first time you arrived in the realm. your presence was strong; he could tell you weren’t one to back away from a fight.

most of the survivors had been (rightly) confused and disoriented when they popped into the realm, but you tried to accept it quickly. you didn’t like it, in fact all you wanted was just to go home, but you came to terms with it and jumped into trials headfirst like an insane person.

that was the courageous part about you—maybe you were scared, but you did scary shit anyways. in fact, you did scary shit to spite the fear, to prove to yourself that you were strong enough to overcome it.

and leon couldn’t lie, that was cool as hell.

you had tunnel vision and didn’t pay much notice to the other survivors; you were too focused on learning about this place and getting out of trials. having gone through some real shit, being here hardly came as a surprise to you. if you were going to be here forever, what was the point in mourning? might as well just accept it and try your hardest to survive. maybe someday this sick game would end, but for now, you were prepared to fight for your life and that’s all you could really focus on.

your first trial was not the best. even though you were resourceful, you didn’t know what the objective was yet, so you weren’t sure where to start other than analyzing your surroundings. luckily for you, leon kennedy was one of your teammates.

after being downed immediately by bubba’s chainsaw and tossed onto a hook, you were amazingly resilient to the pain. leon was the one to lift you from the hook, and he took out his medkit to help patch your wound, but you flinched away from him before he could touch you.

he was puzzled. “what’s wrong?” he asked. he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, but he wanted to help you.

you hesitated and looked him over before mumbling, “i’m fine.” and you tried to stand on your own, beginning to limp away. you didn’t want or need anyone’s help.

leon sighed, following after you. “let me help, that must hurt a lot.”

“i told you, cop, i’m fine. i don’t want your help, okay?”

leon opened his mouth to insist, but decided against it. if you didn’t want his help, then he shouldn’t butt in. that wouldn’t keep him from watching over you, though.

but then leon called after you (perhaps a little smugly), “do you even know what you’re supposed to do?”

begrudgingly, you stopped walking. no, you didn’t know what to do. “i’ll figure it out,” you said over your shoulder. and you would; you had been through enough to survive any situation thrown at you.

but maybe one pointer couldn’t hurt.

“do a generator,” he told you, giving you a cheeky grin when you turned around to look at him. he was lucky he was cute.

the first part of the trial had been rough, but after that first hook you were doing a lot better. you managed to find your own medkit from a chest, and you learned how to fix a few generators. you found it came pretty naturally, and were satisfied that you hadn’t needed anyone’s help (except leon’s. but you didn’t have to admit that yet). when the killer came near, you skillfully avoided him and stayed hidden as much as you could.

you were also pretending that you didn't notice leon hovering near you. he was not very good at being subtle; he was obviously trying to make sure you didn't get hurt. it was cute. you didn't want to ruin his fun, so you didn't say anything about it.

it wasn’t long before the gates were powered and in the process of being opened. you saw a red glowing light in the distance, and assumed that must be your destination. you put all of your remaining energy into sprinting to the exit, adrenaline pumping through your body.

but then there was a heartbeat. a heartbeat so loud it filled your head, splitting your concentration. it wasn’t your own heartbeat--it was the killer’s.

the sound of the cannibal’s chainsaw roared in your ears and pain tore through your body; you collapsed to the ground with a cry of agony. shit, that really hurt, and you weren't sure you could ever get used to it. eternity sure seemed a lot longer than you had first anticipated. would you really be here forever? doing this over and over?

biting your lip until it bled, you tried to crawl towards the gate, dragging the lower half of your body with much difficulty. it was no use, though--you hardly got anywhere, and you could already feel the killer picking you up. just like that, you were going to die? you had been so close..

but as you were being placed on bubba’s shoulder, you saw a flash of a police uniform and a blinding light, and before you knew it, you had been dropped to the ground, the exit gate looking awfully lovely and much more desirable than a meat hook. you gathered all of your strength and began limping forward, when suddenly you felt an arm firmly wrap around your waist and your own was placed around someone else’s shoulder.

leon. when you looked up at him, all he did was give you a calm smile, which you felt inclined to return. with him supporting you, the two of you made it safely to the exit and began the long traipse back to the campfire, where you would find yourself spending a lot of time together.

from then on, you always remained quite unfazed by the events of the entity’s realm—the only thing that ever made you feel weak was being around leon. he was just so cute :]

𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐕𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐓𝐎𝐍

you had never met someone so persistent in your life. from the moment the entity stole you here, steve harrington was after you, and there was next to nothing you could do about it. he sure was living up to his self-proclaimed role of babysitter.

you told him you were fine, that you didn’t need him following you around, but the asshole did it anyways.

“how cool do you think you are?” you asked him at some point, to which he simply shrugged with that stupid grin on his lips.

“i can take care of myself.” “i really don’t need you to baby me, steve.” “steve, if you don’t leave me alone i’m going to break your kneecaps.” these were all things that had come from your mouth multiple times recently. you were seriously thinking about that last one now.

you knew you could make it on your own, and you only wished he would give you a chance to prove that to him so he would leave you alone. but it was like he had attached himself to your hip, and for some reason the entity seemed to really enjoy putting you in trials with him. great.

he was a dumbass and a sweetheart, and you weren’t sure which one of those took higher priority. you knew he only meant well, but god, you wanted to be independent for once. why did he think he had to protect you so much? you arrived here after running for your fucking life, fighting off your long-time pursuer, and living in awful, ever-changing conditions. you had seen your closest friends die, right before your eyes. you didn’t need to be sheltered or coddled, but you couldn’t seem to make steve understand that, no matter how much you fought with him.

steve would literally throw himself in front of the killer for you. he clicked his flashlight in the killer’s face if they were after you, and he would swear and cuss until they chased him out of pure annoyance. it got him killed countless times, and you didn’t know whether to call him stupid or selfless. probably both.

eventually you decided to just copy him and see how it worked out. you weren’t scared, you had no reason to be. you wanted to show him you could be just as flashy as him.

as you arrived into a trial, steve right across from you (of course), you smiled to yourself. you had brought your best flashlight, and you were prepared to use it. the two of you began to work on a generator together, making light conversation as usual.

“if the killer comes here, hide. i’ll take him away.” “fuck you, steve harrington.” “sure, if you really want to.” “why don’t you ever leave me alone?” “it’s a mystery, isn’t it?” “i could punch you right now.” “but you won’t. i’m too good to look at.”

you know, the usual friendly stuff.

you purposefully connected the wrong wires, making the generator spark and sputter. “oops. oh no, the killer must be on their way,” you dead-panned. steve gave you an unamused look.

and indeed, only a few moments later, you heard the sound of the hillbilly and his chainsaw roaring in your direction. the two of you split up, and the killer’s weapon collided with the generator, making an awful screeching sound.

and that was when the chaos started.

steve began hollering and flicking his flashlight into the sky as usual, and after a moment’s hesitation, you did the same. steve looked at you in astonishment, pausing, but then he started again, even louder. you tried to outdo him.

“HEY BILLY! FUCK YOU!” you screamed, ignoring steve’s attempts to get you to stop. “COME AFTER ME, SHITHEAD!”

steve started actually yelling, just yelling, while you continued to swear meaninglessly. the poor hillbilly looked confused and overwhelmed, and eventually he couldn’t take the noise anymore--he just left, opting to find the other survivors while the two of you sorted out whatever it is you obviously had against each other.

it was dead silent now that the killer was gone, and you and steve were both out of breath. but as soon as you made eye contact, laughter bubbled up from your chest, causing you to collapse against the tree and slide to the ground. your voice was hoarse from all the screaming.

and then he was laughing too, stumbling over to plop down next to you, and your giggling started up a whole new round.

after the laughter died down, you stared at your hands, ignoring steve’s gaze on the side of your face until you couldn’t anymore.

“what?” you asked, finally looking at him. he was smiling all stupid again. “what?” you insisted, fighting off a grin of your own. you hated when he looked at you like that, because it made you want to smile back at him.

“nothing,” he said coyly, laughing again. you punched his shoulder playfully.

“c’mon harrington, when have you ever held your tongue before? spit it out.”

he nodded, that was true. so he said it. “i just like you, that’s all.”

oh. oh.

realization dawned upon your face. “is that why you always--”

“yes,” he interrupted you. “i thought it was obvious. man, you’re clueless sometimes.”

oh.

huh.

you guessed…maybe…steve harrington wasn’t that annoying. maybe.

𝐅𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐊 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐍

to say you were feisty was an understatement. frank hated your guts at first because you were so good at evading him, which he would never admit. but the thing that made him really mad was that if he ever downed you, you would kick at him and try to trip him over, like actually bruise his shins. it hurt like hell.

this lead to his decision to constantly tunnel you, and he would laugh at you while you were on the hook, too. so you hated his guts just as much as he did yours. it was a mutual guts-hating situation.

your teammates always felt bad for you, but they also thought you were a badass and knew you could handle yourself. you hadn’t told anybody where you’d come from or what had happened to you, but they knew it was something interesting. there was a reason that nothing that happened here really got to you.

sometimes things escalated even further than shin-kicking. there was one time where frank had managed to grab the back of your shirt as you tried to vault a window, and as he pulled you closer to himself, you elbowed him in the neck and squirmed out of his grasp. while he stood stunned and lost for breath, you kicked the back of his locked knee so that he fell to the ground and bonked his forehead on the wall—the classic dead leg.

this was very funny to you.

not to him.

while you ran away, laughing to yourself, frank’s anger built and built. he was tired of letting you make a fool of him, and it was time to be serious about things.

he ignored you for the rest of the trial, forming a plan in his mind. there was something he needed to do after this, so he made sure to kill everybody else to please the entity—he couldn’t get caught up, it would derail his anger train. he also didn’t feel like getting kicked in the balls or some shit, so he let you out without a problem.

frank did some brooding at the ormond lodge before he was ready to go through with his plan. and his shins really, really hurt, so susie helped him ice them before he left.

the masked killer made his way to the survivor camp rather hastily. when he arrived, he saw you pacing around, deep in thought.

so he threw a rock at you.

it was just a pebble, really. maybe it could be considered a rather large pebble, but frank insisted in his mind that it was a pebble.

“ow, what the fuck!” you cursed, rubbing your sore shoulder and looking around to find the culprit. and then your eyes laid on him.

he looked so sultry standing there at the edge of the woods, arms crossed and mask smiling, you could almost laugh at him. he acted so serious, when really, he was just an angry and misbehaving twink.

you put on your best serious face, genuinely trying not to be amused by this, and strode over to the killer.

“what do you want?” you asked confidently, mirroring his body language and crossing your arms.

frank bristled at your approach, as if trying to make himself look bigger. he wished you were scared of him like everyone else, it would really make him feel better.

“i want a truce,” he said.

you almost burst into laughter at that. a truce? what the fuck for?

he said was willing to stop tunneling and camping you if you stopped beating the shit out of him with your sticky little hands. he didn’t say it like that, but you knew that was what he meant. you, a survivor, could beat up frank, a killer, and it upset him and his little ego :(

just to humor him, you agreed. and frank nodded.

“but,” you continued, raising your eyebrows, “you have to give me something else.”

he started to say “no, no way—“ but you interrupted him: “you’re asking me to stop fighting for myself and just give in when you catch me. i think i deserve something other than just not being tunnelled.”

frank glared at you under his mask, thankful that you couldn’t see. “okay. whatever. what do you want?”

“i want to see your face.” you thought this was a good choice, something you could lord over him forever. it was surely only a win for you. his face was something private, and you would be the only survivor to know.

of course you wanted to see his face, frank thought. everyone did; they wanted to find out if he was good-looking. which, according to him, he was. if you ever asked the other members of the legion, susie was the only one to actually respond. she felt obligated to compliment him as she was basically his sister. so she would say frank is handsome in a ruggedy, jess mariano kind of way. you wondered how she knew what gilmore girls was, since that came after her time, but susie would never give away her secret.

so with a sigh, frank agreed to let you see his face. he didn’t really care, all he wanted was to stop having bruises on his shins. it was kind of miserable, and the entity never did anything to help him.

when he said that you couldn’t do it here, and you asked why the fuck not, he said it was because some other survivor might see. you decided he had a fair point, so reluctantly you let him drag you all the way to ormond.

when he took off his mask, your first thought, whether you wanted it to be or not, was “wow! he really does look like jess mariano! but with tattoos! hot!”

you were lost for words. you didn’t really know what you were expecting, but you sure weren’t expecting him to be that attractive.

he could tell your thoughts from the look on your face.

this had been per your request, and you were planning on this being something you could hold over his head, but the situation had turned into something that he could hold over your head.

oh dear. frank morrison now held pretty boy privilege over you.

and soon you would find out that he was going to keep tunnelling you anyways.

listen i've been watching a lot of gilmore girls and i just get jess vibes from frank, except our boy is more of a twinky idk shdjfhsf i love this guy sm

[blackinn-n]

Blackinnon headcanons (because @marlymckitten’s lovely ones got me to write a bit again <3 go check on hers!!!!)

Yes. It’s sappy. But I love sappy Blackinnon. I can’t bear angst any longer so enjoy!

Sirius fell in love with her before she fell in love with him. Actually, he fell in love with Marlene before James fell in love with Lily, even if he took longer to realize it. He unconsciously developed a crush on her during their first year and recognize his messy feelings as love when he was a bit older. Anyway, he liked to say to her that he had loved her since he was a kid and Marlene used to roll her eyes and call him a sappy liar — but Sirius was not lying. Not even a bit.

I personally hc that they didn’t start dating at Hogwarts. Sirius was, emotionally, too much of a mess to actually sort out what he felt. It was not that he wasn’t sure of her — he knew he loved Marlene. He was certain of that. He was just scared to hurt her in any way possible, and though less of himself — he though he wasn’t able to make her happy, and he could not bear it.

It was Marlene who made the first move. One night, she just kissed him. They were alone in London, laughing, smoking and chatting at 1 AM while the rest of the gang had already went home. She just did it. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him. Hard, passionately. It took him out of breath.

As their relationship became solid, it was clear to both of them that what was happening was that.. they were settling. To Sirius, the word has seem horrendous till she had told him what she felt for him. But he was happier that he had ever been with her and was actually pretty content with the perspective of being hers for the rest of his life.

They weren’t too much into PDA. Sirius resting a hand on her tights, or holding hands was ok — but they couldn’t stand couples who made out constantly while they were out with friends. It was totally different when they were drunk: in that occasions they could not take their hands off each other and used to disappear so as to shag in some bathroom or to go home (to shag. Yes, they did it nonstop)

They had a matching tattoo. They had gone out one evening in March, just the two of them. It was supposed to be a romantic dinner but it had naturally lead to a drunk night in some club in London. After that, they had found some weird (and probably too dirty to be trusted) tattoo shop which was still opened at night and decided to go for it. They were too tipsy to be taken seriously, but managed to explain to the tattooer what they wanted. At the end, Sirius got the written “star of the sky” in Marlene’s handwriting, and she had “star of the sea” in his, on their pelvis. It was sappy, they knew it, but it was them.

Marlene absolutely adored Sirius. She thought he was breathtaking. That’s true, a lot of people thought that — Sirius was indeed a very handsome man, but to Marlene, Sirius was much more than that. Marlene loved everything about him. She loved stroking his hair and caressing the side of his face. She loved when he took her hands into his. She loved kissing his full lips and holding his gaze, despite it made her blush most of the time. She loved feeling his weight on her when he fell asleep while cuddling. She loved feeling him inside of her, it made her feel a sense of fullness and connection she had never felt with someone before.

James was so happy when they got together. He wasn’t even the slightest angry or upset at them, though they knew he would have killed them both if they hurt each other.

Lily was ecstatic when they started dating, too. Perhaps even more than her husband, considering she was the first person Sirius admitted he was in love with Marlene to. It happened during their seventh year at Hogwarts. Lily was looking for Marls — she knew the Astronomy Tower was her and Sirius’ spot and expected to find her there, but only him was present that evening. They talked quite a lot and at one point he just slipped it out. It felt so scaring, but so, so good. Lily promised not to tell a soul, not even to James and Sirius trusted her. She also advised him to tell her, but he knew he needed more time.

He desired a family with her but was scared to bring the topic up — he didn’t really think he would have really been much of a father material with the upbringing he had. His worse nightmare was perhaps inflicting on his children the same pain he had had to endure during his childhood — the idea scared him shitless. But one day, they talked about it. They approached the subject shyly, as if having different perspectives would have risked to break what they had. When Sirius told her it would have be nice, to have kids one day, Marlene could not suppress the wide, genuine smile that appeared on her face. “You’d really want them?” “Yes. With you, I would want them. I think I would be a shit father, but with you to balance I think they’d turn up nice” “That’s bullshit. You will be a wonderful dad.” “I will be? Not “would”?” “Yep. You will. I think we should talk about it… having kids, one day.” Sirius had never been happier.

Marlene’s family was fond of Sirius. Her parents and brother especially. And of course Euphemia and Fleamont loved Marlene — she was James’ first friend ever. Euphemia confessed them once that she had been planning their wedding since fifth year (James laughed a bit to much for Marlene’s liking after hearing that).

Marlene once had called Walburga Black a “fucking cow”. She hadn’t just called her that, she had YELLED it on the platform before taking Sirius hand and making him follow her on the train. She had heard a sneaky comment from her: it was the usual babbling about Sirius being a shame, a failure for being how he was, for hanging out with dirty mudbloods and staying at the Potters. She could not take it. Although her mother (who had intercepted her daughter’s furious expression) had tried to stop her, she had just walked over and yelled at Walburga Black, a witch from a noble and ancient family in the Magical Community, that she was a fucking cow. Around lots, lots of people. Sirius thought he had never loved her more.

Once Sirius told her he wanted to shave his beard, and she screamed, horrified and threatened not to have sex with him for a month if he really did it.

For his 23rd birthday, Marlene gifted him a handful of Polaroids of her nudes, along with his real present. Sirius remained in total awe for a few seconds and then looked at her like a puppy who has received the best toy ever. He really was a simple man, not needing much to be happy.

Sirius couldn’t cook for shit. He could barely prepare a toast without burning something. And most of the time, when he was hungry, he forgot he could use magic. That meant he was not able to surprise her with breakfast in bed or some thing like that — okay, he knew how to make coffee or how to spread jam on bread, he was not that dumb. Anyway, Marlene used to tease him by saying he would starve if she refused to cook for the rest of his days. “I can always eat you, you know” “You are incredible, Black”

7th year’s St Valentine’s Day was perhaps the worst one Marlene had spent in her seventeen years on the Earth. Not that she had ever celebrated it (she hated St Valentine’s Day, the sappy promises, the fake couples who put on a good face during the trip to Hogsmeade so as to show off even if half school knew one of them was shagging someone else. She just couldn’t bear it), but that year every. single. one of her friends had a date. Lily went with James, Remus had gone to Hogsmeade with a bloke he had met in the summer, Alice went with Frank, Mary had been asked by a quite good looking boy who was part of the same club as hers, Emmeline and Dorcas went together (their first public trip after their coming out) and even Peter had managed to set up a date with a really nice girl he had had a crush on since fifth year. And Sirius… well, she supposed he was shagging three or four girls at the same time. Marlene spent most of her time in the library, catching up with her homework, and after a rather depressing lunch alone she hid herself in the Common Room who was occupied only by first and second years who could not go to the village yet. She read a book until she heard someone calling her name. She didn’t even had to turn around to know who it was. Nobody called her Lene. They walked through the empty corridors and corners of the school, perfectly comfortable with one another. He asked her what she had done that day, but she didn’t ask him back. She didn’t want to know if he had gone to Hogsmeade with someone. What she didn’t know was that, yes, he had gone to the village… to buy her flowers. They following morning, when she woke up, she found a beautiful bouquet of tulips — her favorites — of all colors. The was no card attached and it took Lily twenty minutes to convince Marlene that they really were for her.

Marlene’s dream had always been to visit Paris. When she was ten, she promised herself that she would only have gone with the love of her life — Marlene pretended to be nauseated by romance, but the truth was that she was a hopeless romantic herself. She kept the promise. One year or so into their relationship, Sirius and Marlene stayed in Paris for a week. One night they went to a bar and returned to the apartment quite intoxicated and extremely horny, so the usual. They shagged everywhere, on the couch, on the bed, on the floor, by the fucking window, not caring who could see them. Once they were finished, they were laying on the couch, naked, only covered by a thin blanket to protect them from the chilly air, their bodies entangled. She told him about her promise. He just looked at her, his eyes full of pure love. And he told her. And it was not scary, quite the contrary, actually. “I love you” he simply said. “I love you so much, Marls” She tried to reply, but her voice was thick with emotion. He understood anyway and gently kissed her, thinking he had finally found something worth living for. And it was love, it had always been love.