#given that many non-medical transitioning things

[omegaverse-anthropologist]

pack

i love packs. packs are so important to my omegaverse. they’re communities, they’re friends, they’re families. fuck the nuclear family; in this omegaverse we are pack-centric

general

in an ideal situation, most people would be born into a pack. this would be the pup’s community of care. the loosest definition might be “a group of adults connected by pack bonds who engage in care for each other, and any children being raised by that group.” example pack makeups include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. A group of high school friends: Two A/O pairs, a B/O pair, a single B, and their pups.

2. A group of people who were packmates as pups, along with their mates: A/B/O triad, a single O, and a B/O pair and all of their pups.

3. A polycule of As, Bs, and Os and their pups.

4. A number of single As, Bs, and Os who have chosen to be each other’s cycle partners, and their pups.

packs tend to be made of groups of non-related adults, though in some cases (e.g. small or aging towns, instances of abuse, etc) groups of siblings or cousins may form a pack and simply avoid one another during reproductive cycles.

cycling

packmates are not obligated or expected to assist sexually during reproductive cycles, though many packmates will offer the cycling individual scented clothes or comfort items, food, or non-sexual comfort, especially in situations where the cycling individual’s mate may be absent.

when a cycling individual is unmated, their mate is absent, or they are unprepared, the pack is expected to provide non-sexual care (e.g. cooking/cleaning for them, offering nest companionship or cuddles when requested). it is perfectly acceptable for the pack to provide this care even when the mate is present. alleviating the burden on a cycling individual and their chosen partner is an act of pack care.

pups

packmates raise pups together. often, pups will refer to their non-parent adult packmates as ‘auntie,’ ‘uncle,’ or other similar terms. ideally, if packs do not share a home, they live near enough to one another that pups can safely travel between pack homes. when this is not possible, packmates escort pups to and from pack houses. packmates are listed on school documentation so that pups’ trusted adults can pick them up from school or make decisions on their parents’ behalf in case of emergency.

pups may refer to other pups in the pack as pack-siblings, cousins, or packmates. older pups tend to gravitate toward calling the other pups packmates, as it sounds more mature.

forming packs

after an individual has experienced their first full cycle, they may feel an increased drive to establish their own pack apart from their pack of origin. they may spend more time at friends’ homes and establish scent bonds with close friends. this can be a difficult transition for all parties involved. parents and packmates want to keep their pup close or may become despondent at ‘losing’ their pups, while young adults may feel stifled by overbearing or possessive packs of origin.

it’s common to see scent-bonded teenage packs spending time together in public. they aren’t afforded the same legal rights as adult packs, but in cases where emergencies occur (e.g. an accident or injury involving one scent-bonded packmate), leeway may be granted for access to things like hospital visits or school absences.

adult packs are created through the exchange of pack bites, generally a bite to the wrist from another pack member. historically, they were given by a pack’s dominant alpha, but this was a ceremonial restriction only. packs may be legally recognized with a document called a roster, which serves as a record of pack membership.

legal

adult packs have legal rights—the pack roster may be registered for ease of:

childcare (e.g., signing pups out of school early, accompanying them to medical appointments in a parent’s stead)

property ownership (e.g., a pack purchasing land or a house)

medical care (e.g., access to a hospitalized packmate’s room outside of visiting hours)

not all packs choose to formalize their membership, just as not all couples choose to become legally married. packs who do not hold a roster are still packs, and they provide all the social and emotional benefits of a pack but do not have a rostered pack’s legal privileges.

[sandyca5tle]

Slime HRT - Introduction and initial appointment

So, I've been inspired by @/ayviedoesthings (idk etiquette around tagging people you don't know, so gonna avoid the notif for now) 's dragon hrt, alongside all the other ones (bat hrt, dog hrt, and fish hrt) to try my own.

Unfortunately, I'm not much of an artist, so I can't really do a comic like they all have, so I decided to do a written diary instead. This is the first time I've done writing like this, let along putting it out publicly, so constructive critisim is appreciated, but don't be a dick. That being said, on with the show. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, this is the first entry of this diary kind of thing; I've decided to keep this, both since I’ve seen other people doing the same, and because I didn’t do it the first time ‘round and kind of regret that.

Anyway, today I went to the clinic that people have been talking about, the one that I’d heard was handing out non-human/species versions of hrt. It had piqued my interest at first, but I hadn’t been certain, partially believing it might be a joke or a prank or something, but then more and more people began to talk about their own transitions, so I began to research it for myself, eventually working up the courage to seek out my own. When I reached the clinic I was a typical mixture of nervous and excited, and was running what I needed to say through my head a thousand times, to make sure I got it right, while I waited for them to call me.

My  nervousness partially stemmed from the unusual nature of what I was going to ask for. I’d seen people posting about fish hrt, dog hrt, bat hrt, and even dragon hrt, but what I was going to be asking for was even more outlandish.

When one of the staff came to get me, they led me to a room with the name ‘Dr Hans Erian’ on it, and told me to go inside. 

My first thought, as soon as I saw the doctor, was that he looked like an evil mad scientist who had turned good - and honestly, given the magic he was working, he might well have been, assuming it wasn’t actually magic. We greeted one another, and he invited me to sit down across from him at the desk he was behind and we began to talk.

Naturally, he asked me what kind of non-human hrt I wanted, exasperatedly listing off a few standard options, a few of which I'd heard of before. Once he had finished, I told him that I wanted to get ‘shapeshifter hrt’. 

See, while I had been looking online, I had come across so many cool, different kinds of animals and creatures people were turning into that I couldn’t pick just one, so I was hoping that I’d be able to get a hrt that let me any I wanted.

The doctor’s response wasn’t positive, as he swiftly told me that I would not be able to take the medication. My heart dropped when he said that, and I had to fight back my emotions from showing; I had seen so many amazing stories online, and I had been so hopeful despite what I knew was an extreme ask, but it still hurt to hear it was impossible.

I should, however, have waited for the doctor to finish his sentence (although in my defence, he paused at a very bad time) as he went on to say that ‘shapeshifter’, or ‘polymorph’ as it was properly called, hrt was more like an additional medication taken with a non-human treatment after a period, akin to progesterone in feminising hrt.

This renewed my excitement, it was possible, I’d just need to become something else first, then I could become a polymorph from there. Also, I really like the term ‘polymorph’; it felt right. He went on to explain that the polymorph treatment needed a base species, one already predisposed to shapeshifting, so that the polymorph treatment would take. The doctor laid out some options, explaining that they were the best options to work as a base if I wanted the shapeshifting treatment later. There were many cool and interesting options, but the two that stood out most were dragon and slime.

Now I’d seen an example of dragon hrt, and while there were definitely many features I liked from it, the end result wasn’t quite up my street. Slime HRT meanwhile was something I hadn’t really seen before, and the idea of being goopy and fluid sounded very appealing, and seemed like a very malleable base for shapeshifting later on, so I decided on that.

He then pulled out another list, detailing the variety of slime hrt’s that existed, and again, I went through the list and selected the one that most appealed to me - a slime made of sap, liking the idea of being somewhat plant-y, and I even asked if that would mean I’d be able to photosynthesize, the returned ‘yes’ making me even more certain in my decision.

The doctor then pulled out some forms, explaining that while originally there was a requirement for you to live socially as your preferred species for 48 months, but due to demand, and many people pointing out the impossibility for some people to do so, (and I swear I heard him mutter something about too many people kicking his door open), that the clinic had moved to an informed consent model. He slid the forms over and I quickly, but thoroughly read through them, before signing off and sliding them back to him.

While I was reading the forms, I noted some of the ‘side effects’ with a small chuckle to myself - ‘Dissolution of bones’ and ‘Loss of skin and organs’ would have sounded a lot worse on any other kind of medication, but given what this was going to turn me into, those were to be expected, and frankly wanted.

I also noted that the hormones I would be receiving would be administered in gel form, which made sense given I was basically going to become like gel, however, it did prompt me to enquire about how this hrt would mesh with the normal, gender, hrt I was already taking, especially given I was taking that as a gel as well. Fortunately, the doctor explained that I could keep taking both together safely for the first few months, but once the treatment had converted half of my body I could stop, given that at that point my physiology would be changing too much for the human hormones to continue to have much of an effect.

After I had signed the forms, it didn’t take long for the doctor to write up the prescription, and to send me off to get the medicine I’d need. As I’m writing this I’ve just taken my first dose, and looking forward to updating when there is next some developments! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! Next

[superego-imagines]

OMG it was so nice to read about your blog! I'm on my knees praying to you like a god for some Polka-dot man x reader headcanons. preferably romantic or smut (whatever you feel comfortable writing) I just wanna give him the love he deserves <3

((He's my fucking MAAAAAAAN! I'm so glad other people like him!

Polka-Dot Man Relationship Headcanons SFW + NSFW

SFW Headcanons

So I’m not going to get too into the weeds of how you guys got together because I already covered that in OT3 fic. But suffice is to say that it’s gotta be slow-burn friends to lovers 30k words 40 chapters. So when you finally do start dating you’re already pretty comfortable with each other. In a lot of ways that makes things easy. But knowing when to take it slow and how exactly to transition your relationship from a platonic one to a non-platonic one takes time. You spend the first week or so dancing around each other trying to bait the other into making first moves, like him nudging his hand against yours during a movie, or you leaning in so you can “get rid of an eyelash”. Eventually he breaks and asks to hold your hand and you both hopefully learn that you have to use your words to get what you want!

Living with the virus outside Belle Reeves is difficult. He can’t go more than six hours before the initial symptoms start to show. There's very few safe places for him to expel his dots without major property damage. The safest option, albeit not the most environmentally friendly, is a backyard or a private place in a local park. Anywhere where large amounts of matter can be displaced with little damage to infrastructure. Maybe you can cut a deal with the city's waste management department lol. There's also the physical side effect. As much as he desperately wants to fit in, it can be hard when there's a big glowing hazard sign threatening to burst out of his face. It can make going out in public anxiety-producing, which doesn’t help anything. He was given a more subtle power dampening collar as part of his parole. This helps him sleep through the night but comes with its own unpleasant side effects like headaches and nausea. Not to mention that any sort of medical equipment or restraints are mildly triggering. Like a lot of chronic/long term medical problems, there's no easy fix, you just have to establish care plans, stick to what works and try to be patient when things don't work out.

For related and unrelated reasons, dates can be kind of hard. So many years of only seeing the same four walls until eventually seeing a different same four walls have left him desperate for any and every experience he can. But that can easily swing back the other direction, leaving him overstimulated from all of the noise and bright lights and people all bearing the face that haunts him. He wants to do all the things he could only read about in books or watch on TV when he was younger. He wants to try new foods and go to new places and just have fun for once. But sometimes it’s just too much, especially in particularly loud, crowded, or otherwise overwhelming places. And then that leads to a new wave of frustration and anxiety because he wants so badly to do normal couple things with you but it feels like he always ruins it. He doesn’t of course but it’s hard to not feel frustrated. Though that isn’t to say there aren't plenty of fun things to do together, you just have to work your way up to the big stuff. His favorite date you’ve been on was probably the trip to the aquarium. It was so beautiful and peaceful! Although he did insist that you just move on past the Echinoderm exhibit. Also fun pseudo/at-home dates include Mystery Meal Nights in which you try to find a new take-out place or at least a new food from one of the classics. And, while he won’t instigate it, he does really like dancing with you. He likes it in general, but unless he’s mildly to majorly drunk he won’t dance in public. So you can have little living room dance parties with just the two of you~ He doesn’t dance particularly well, but that just makes it more fun. Dance comes from the heart and that, he has plenty of.

So sort of paralleling the sensory issues I’ve already mentioned. He is simultaneously extremely touch-starved and desperate for affection, but will also sort of out of nowhere get touched-out and just kind of need space. For the first half of his life he was pretty much exclusively around family, and then was put into solitary for most of the rest of it. And now he has you! Someone he loves so so much and wants to hug and kiss and cuddle and all the other things boyfriends are supposed to do. Sometimes it’s just still too foreign and overwhelming, although the longer you two date, the easier it gets and the less often these moments occur. But on the flipside, when he does feel touchy, he might as well be made of Velcro. Every time you cross a new line of acceptable relationship behavior (hand-holding, kissing, etc.), he just adds that to the list of things he’s constantly trying to do. Sometimes he’s just so happy it doesn’t feel real, like he’s going to wake up and it will all be some crazy dream. Nothing in his real life could actually be this nice. He doesn’t articulate it when he feels like that, but you’ll know it by the way his breath shudders when he holds you close, or he holds you extra tight, murmuring an apology in your ear but not letting go. Not yet. Just in case.

NSFW Headcanons

(Under the Cut)

So related to the above, that touch starvation definitely translates sexually. While he eventually mellows out, especially early on in the relationship there's a sort of barely restrained desperation in everything he does. He doesn't ever instigate or suggest something new but the second you suggest or okay something he jumps on it. He just doesn't want to scare you off or push you, even if you want him just as badly. Whenever you're making out, he tries to press as close to you as humanly possible. His kisses are uncoordinated and a little sloppy but his eagerness is sexy in its own right. He's just been so pent up with no outlet or even privacy until now. And he was pining after you for so long. Can you blame him for trying to make up for lost time?

This man is sooooo desperate to please. He's just head over heels in love with you. You've brought so much joy and love to his life, he wants to show you how much he loves and appreciates you. (At a less sexy time, it'd probably be good to talk with him about that feeling of debt and how you love him for who he is, not what he can do for you. But that’s a whole other demon.) So that being said, he’s pretty flexible. While he’s not exactly adventurous, he is open to suggestions. If you want him to take charge, he’ll do his best! Or he’s happy to follow instructions and let you take the lead. Service-Vers. Though, while he’d never ask for it because pleasing you is at the forefront, he’d really enjoy getting to be a pillow prince every once in a while. Just smothered in affection while you take care of everything and spoil him. He’d probably die of happiness.

To be perfectly honest, he’s pretty vanilla. But that’s not a bad thing! He likes gentle, romantic love-making in a bed with the lights dimmed. While he’s not opposed, per say, to trying something new every once in a while, he doesn’t really need anything other than you to make him happy. No matter how many times you two have sex it never gets old or feels less special. If anything it just gets better the more familiar and comfortable he becomes with your body and his own. He likes missionary best but is also a fan of really any position where he can hold you close and see/kiss your face. The one sort of kink he has is praise, though I’d argue everyone likes praise a little. Please tell him how he’s doing and how good you’re feeling. That he’s handsome and good and most of all: that you love him~ He never gets tired of hearing you say it~

[transmascpetewentz]

A Short Guide To Writing Gay Trans Men

So a few disclaimers before I start:

I'm not going to talk about anything sex-related here because 1) people have made other guides and google is your friend & 2) I'm not very comfortable with it.

I am just one person, and due to the fact that I am white and thin and perisex, I will definitely have blind spots. If you want more information about intersections that don't apply to me, ask someone who it does apply to!

I did get lots of messages from trans guys giving me advice on this, but nonetheless I do not speak for absolutely everyone.

There will be very little info here on how to accurately write medical transitions because that's not something I've experienced. Google is your best friend on this one.

This is not a complete post. I will keep adding to it as time goes on. If you're seeing this post reblogged by someone else, click on the original to see if I've made any additions or corrections before you send me that anon hate and/or comment telling me to kill myself.

What Not To Do

When there is a trans male character written by a cis person, especially a cis man, there's a very solid chance that he is going to check off at least 9 of the following boxes:

Thin

White

Able-bodied

Neurotypical or LSN neurodivergent

Binary

No nuance given to his identity and expression

Sexuality not specified or elaborated on

A cis person's love interest

2 dimensional transmasc stereotype

Usually small and feminine, but not actually femme

Gay transmasc characters written by cis people are very difficult to find because cis authors will often not specify the sexuality of the trans man dating a cis man or elaborate on his connection to the MLM community. This is because many cis authors believe that writing a gay trans man is just writing a woman but switching one of the genders. This is, of course, not true, and there must be more care taken to provide nuance and create a more accurate (and non-dysphoria-inducing) representation.

Moving Past The White Twink Stereotype

This is one of the most basic bars to clear for a cis person writing a gay trans man, and yet so many continue to fail at this very simple task. Ask yourself: is your gay transmasc character a white, hairless, thin person? If the answer is yes, that's not inherently a bad thing, though it may be good to reflect on why you want to create a character like this if this is the only type of transmasc representation you write.

The biggest thing you need to do here is to give him a set of defining traits. Not physical traits, not even gender expression traits. Just personality. What kind of person is he? How does he cope with the transphobia in this world (unless you're writing a fantasy universe without transphobia)? How does he act towards strangers? How does he approach people of different genders? What is his outlook on cis people? Once you have the basics, it's time to think about his physical appearance & expression and how that has impacted his life and his personality.

You also want to avoid the trope where a gay trans man's personality is undeveloped and he is treated as an object for cis men to help them advance their character arcs. It's fine for trans men to serve a purpose like that in the story, but they need to be their own individual humans.

Writing Sexuality

If your trans male characters date men, and I cannot reiterate this enough, make them be open about their homosexuality or bisexuality. Give them a sexual orientation and make them be proud of it. Of course, not every gay trans man is going to identify heavily with a masc/fem role in gay male relationships, but you should seriously consider whether or not your character would.

Additionally, don't follow the flawed line of logic of "trans man -> vagina -> bottom -> fem/femme." It's fine to make your gay trans male characters fem but please, I swear to god please give them a good reason for being so. If you do make your character femme, be very cautious to use language that doesn't trigger actual trans men's dysphoria. Don't constantly point out the character's physical features that may be associated with femininity unless you're making a point either about his dysphoria or about how society treats him or maybe about how he comes to accept his body. However, please be extremely careful with the last one as this trope has been used in so many transphobic portrayals.

Have your gay trans male character exist in gay spaces with other gay men (both cis and trans). Have him be open about being a gay man specifically. Give him cis gay male friends. Give him trans gay male friends. Don't allow your reader to ignore the fact that he is very much a gay man.

Dysphoria

For the love of all things good, please do not write your gay trans male character's dysphoria as "from the day I was born, I knew I was born in the wrong body. I have had no internalized shame or guilting into making me doubt my transness, and it was obvious that I was not a woman." That's not how anyone's dysphoria works, even if they did know from a young age that they were born in the wrong body.

For gay trans men specifically, most of us end up realizing we're trans around either age 12 or age 20. This doesn't mean he has to be exactly that age, but that's generally the safest age to have your character's egg crack. Of course, you can sprinkle in signs that he's trans since he was a young child, but I know a lot of gay trans men and I have yet to meet one who has known since birth and has had no doubt in his mind about it. However you can and should write older gay trans men, even some who find out they're trans in their 40s or older. Representation of older trans people is seriously lacking compared to how many there are.

Don't make your character the stereotype of a straight trans man who doesn't face the specific intersection of being trans and gay. Facing this intersection does affect something even as personal as dysphoria. Many of us will have self-doubt, believe that we're disgusting fetishists of gay men, or simply exist as women in gay spaces for a time. You also have to take into account gay beauty standards & your character's upbringing to figure out what they're likely to be most dysphoric about.

hi :3

That's it for now. I'll keep adding to this post as I get feedback and suggestions. If you want more advice, feel free to send me an ask. When I get enough asks about things, I'll make an FAQ post answering some of them.

[thedrarrylibrarian]

Several people have been kind enough to let me publish their thoughts on fandom, community, and queerness to celebrate Pride in the Library. Today's piece comes from @tackytigerfic.

Thank you so much to my lovely friend thedrarrylibrarian for opening up this discussion. The thing I would like to talk about today is the way fandom led me to examine my identity and helped me navigate the shift between shame and peace. My journey to acknowledging and exploring my queerness has not always been a joyful one.

I came to the realisation quite late in life. I was in my late 30s before I realised that what I felt about my body was not just a thing that all other people go through. I had lived for my entire lifetime, for as long as I can remember, not just wishing but knowing that my body was meant to be different to how it is. It sounds silly, but it had never occurred to me to question those feelings, or to see myself as queer or trans or non-binary (I'm still not entirely sure how I would term it—I use genderqueer for myself, though nothing feels quite right and I suspect never will). I did spend a year as a child trying to "pass" as a boy (cropping my hair, wearing clothes from the boy's section in the shops, and so on), and as a teen and young adult I was part of a group of queer friends, many of whom were gender non-conforming, so I learned early on that I don't believe that there is any right or wrong way to look like, act like, or be a woman or man. But for some reason, it never occurred to me that the "should have been" feeling was something that I could interrogate, and maybe even do something about. I have moved around a lot throughout my life, and in a way my gender identity feels like that; part of my heart is always somewhere else, and I don't think I'll ever feel entirely at home anywhere.

Before joining fandom, I had never had a candid discussion with anyone about gender identity. I had trans friends who all transitioned medically, but my experience didn't feel like theirs. My body was just something I had to get on with. It was bearable. It didn't feel right, but I was used to feeling not quite right in lots of ways (I was a very emotional child who has grown into a melodramatic adult, what can I say!). It was only through meeting and speaking to all my candid, open, generous trans and non-binary fandom friends that I realised that perhaps my gender identity was something to be addressed. Initially it caused me a lot of grief. I had heard of queer joy and gender euphoria, but my realisation and acknowledgement brought a lot of pain. I felt stupid and ashamed—not of my queerness, not at all! But of the fact that I hadn't realised. I felt like I had cheated myself of my youth. Intellectually I knew that there is no age limit to coming out, but for me it felt like an impossible step to take. I raged at myself. I cried bitter tears at shows like Heartstopper, imagining what my life might have been like had I had that sort of representation as a young person. The first time I changed my pronouns in my tumblr bio, I had to log off and cry. It all felt huge, unmanageable.

Fandom friends got me through. They listened to my sadness, never undermined me, gently guided me through, shared their own experiences so readily and with so much candour and generosity that it gave me hope. Being so immersed in an online space where people's identities are respected and embraced has given me the courage to really look at myself, to know and understand how I feel about my body (and my brain, and my spirit, and whatever else makes a person themself!).

Before I joined fandom, no one had ever asked me my pronouns. Now I have that conversation with people in my offline life too. It's still nerve-wracking for me, but it's getting easier. I have forgiven myself for not understanding myself for so long. I have compassion for my younger self now, instead of anger. And I am very much at peace with my body and identity for the first time in my life, which feels so magical and affirming and, yes, joyous. I got there in the end! That's something to celebrate. And that is thanks to every single one of the people who were there at my side on the journey, the journey that this fandom set me on. And I am very, very glad for that

Thank you, Tacky, for joining me in the Library. I appreciate the reminder that there is no timeline on figuring yourself out, no one way that you have to feel about it. Thank you for joining me for Pride in the Library.

If you want more @tackytigerfic be sure to check out their work on AO3! I reread one of my favorites from them, Silverpoint. I think it's a such an excellent characterization of Harry and Draco, both so in love they can't stand it, and both unable to communicate about it.

🏳️‍🌈 Lots of Love and Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈

[transandrobroism]

Hi I'm the person who asked if you were transmed: I was super tired last night and misread a post that you reblogged and thought it used some vaguely transmed-adjacent wordage and wanted to be sure. I just reread the post and realized it had nothing to do with what I thought. Sorry for being accusatory, i should have given more context lol

it's all good anon it happens.

for the record: no, i don't consider myself to be a transmed and i don't really agree with that kind of community gatekeeping. i don't think people need dysphoria to be trans and i don't think medically transitioning makes someone a "better" trans person or "more valid" or a "real trans person". it's just another way to stir up community division.

the reality is that trans people are not a homogenous group and we experience things like dysphoria and medical transition differently. some people don't want to medically transition at all; some people want all the hormones and surgery they can get their hands on. a LOT of people fall somewhere in the middle of those two points. so if you start saying "you need dysphoria to be really trans!!!" well... how much? plenty of people have dysphoria over some body parts and not others. do you need to be completely dysphoric and miserable to be "really trans"...? also if the metric is dysphoria, then someone who has no real dysphoria over their body but just figures they'd be happier on a full dose of hormones and getting every surgery would like... not count as "really trans" despite medically transitioning pretty drastically.

on the other hand you have the issue that a lot of trans people just can't access medical transition due to gatekeeping, costs, wait times etc etc. which makes "has this person done any medical transition" a really poor metric of someone's legitimate transness.

so yeah not a transmed. i take the nuanced view that the trans community is a broad umbrella and has space for everyone, regardless of their specific experience of dysphoria, transition etc. i think we can welcome non-dysphoric trans people whilst recognising that dysphoria is a big, serious problem for a lot of trans people. we can welcome people who don't want to medically transition and are happy to embrace their body as-is, whilst also acknowledging that for many trans people, medical transition is literally life-saving care. it's just different experiences and different needs. taking an extreme view either way is unhelpful and divisive and i'm all about building up the community and working together, not creating more arbitrary divisions.

[dresden-syndrome]

Hiiii. I have some questions. Are there any class four criminals who end up living a releativly decent life? Either becuase they have a skill the state needs or becuase they behave well or becuase they end up with someone they used to know? And also, has anyone ever been convicted at the class four level just becuase someone powerful wanted them as a pet?

Oh hello comrade! Thank you for asking!✨

It's known for sure class 4 is a final destination but it absolutely can get better or worse depending on many things! Obedience may grant the poor whumpee many advantages or disadvantages, same with ending up with someone they knew before conviction - that person may be anywhere from secretly compassionate to outright sadistic.

I'd say the best outcome is reserved for those with a long backstory of technical or scientific education and career. EESU runs Strategic Scientific Reserve (more known as Science Division) - a nation-wide program for political offenders with tech/science skills which uses their work and knowledge for important state projects. The purposes and conditions are based on prisoner class; the class-separated facilities highly resemble the sentences for their non-specialist counterparts.

A class 4 SD facility is constructed and managed in a way that allows its subjects to live and work without leaving its territory, have no contact with outside world or unauthorized visitors and stay in good health for better use in complex fields of work such as research, development and engineering. Subjects get enough food, water, fresh air and social interaction to make their brains work; they don't get tortured or deliberately mistreated by personnel; aside from mandatory blood donations and health checks, they aren't touched by medics either. Necessary measures such as ID numbers, guards watching subjects' movements, escape & release prevention, daily schedule with forced feeding, sedating and bathing in case of non-compliance can't be deemed as "mistreating" as if they would be if applied to people; these are to secure a subject can be used in the most efficient way.

SD facilities are often located within ASR lab territories which allows for saving time and effort it'd take for subject transit: all mandatory procedures in one place, no transportation restraints required! It also allows to have them regularly assisting in the lab work under the close surveillance of ASR personnel, as well as being easily re-designated as a test subject upon becoming more useful as a lab rat than as a tech/science workforce.

However, despite all the class 4 containment routine, given the necessary skill, cooperation and compliance, a subject may end up living... pretty normal?

As for convicting someone for personal use entirely, a couple of cases have been suspected yet without any sufficient proof. Arresting a person upon investigation as class 3-4 is already generally seen as a proof of their counter-revolutionary offences (good luck proving a class 4 subject was not a state enemy in the first place) but hey, what can't be possible?

Lore dump tag: @sweet-lost-husbands

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Lee says:

TransBucket has been an invaluable resource for me throughout my medical transition.

I would spend hours on the site looking at photos that I’d already seen because it helped me prepare for my own medical transition and it helped me feel like what I wanted was a possibility.

Seeing the ‘before and after’ photos from other trans people who had gotten top surgery and phalloplasty gave me so much hope at a time when I was really struggling with dysphoria and depression.

I’m someone who has benefited in ways that I can’t even fully express from the post-op community’s generosity. I don’t know if I would have the life that I have now without it.

After I had my top surgery and hysterectomy, I chose to upload my photos to TransBucket to give back to the community (in a small way) and help others as I had been helped.

This is largely why I hesitated in sharing photos of vulnerable moments depicting surgical healing, although I ultimately did upload several photos showing the early weeks and months of recovery.

I didn’t upload any photos after I had fully healed and gotten tattoos to hide my surgery scars because I was worried about my privacy, which is something I still struggle with, and I ultimately decided to not upload photos of my genitals after phalloplasty for the same reason.

While I always knew TransBucket was publicly accessible, the mention of the site in the news made me reconsider whether I wanted to continue having my images hosted there.

The site being down for the past couple of months has given me some pause, but today, 5+ years after getting top surgery and making my first TransBucket submission, I have gone back and deleted some (but not all) of my post-top surgery and post-hysterectomy images.

I’m still considering what the best way is for me to protect myself from transphobic cisgender people who might use my images in ways that are incompatible with my views and how I feel about my body, and also protect myself from some of the hate coming from within the community as many of the most hurtful comments about about post-op bodies like mine are often made by pre-op and non-op trans people.

I became a mod on this blog when I had just turned 16 and I had top surgery at 18. I shared things online that I probably wouldn’t have shared if I had been if I had become a mod at my current age in my early 20’s, but the internet is forever and I can’t take it all back, even if my feelings on my online privacy have changed.

I would like to encourage our followers to take a moment and reevaluate their internet privacy as well, and think about what things they’re comfortable with sharing going forward.

I’m not saying that you should delete your images from TransBucket specifically— I might even end up reuploading mine there at some point, with some redactions for privacy. But you should think about what photos you are okay with sharing online a lot longer and harder than I did.

All that said, I’d like to circle back to my original point— that TransBucket has been an incredible resource for me (and many others) and it continues to be one of the first things that I recommend to anyone who is considering gender-affirming surgery (and is not a minor in the jurisdiction in which they reside as the site hosts images of genitals and it is against the terms of service for minors to join).

I would like to thank the admin of @transbucket for all the work they’ve done, and encourage our followers to assist them if they are able to:

[indigo-a-creeping]

Hi again, it’s me back at it again with the top surgery questions. I’m sorry to ask so many questions and bother you but you’ve been a big help to me, so if you are willing to answer, I’m going to ask as long as you don’t mind. (Feel free to ignore if I ask questions you are comfortable answering)

I’m curious what you told your work in terms of needing time off. Did you tell them everything or keep it simple and say you were getting surgery and needed this much time off or something similar? I’m also curious how much time you took off and how easy it was to get that time off? I don’t know what to tell my job. In an ideal world I would keep it as vague as possible but it will be noticeable once I have the surgery as I have a large chest. (In an ideal world they would actually just be accepting if I told them I was non binary and there would be nothing to worry about but still) I also don’t even know if I’m supposed to talk to HR first or if I can just talk to my boss as my boss is usually the only person I need to talk to when I take time off. I’m going to look at my company’s policies tomorrow. But I’m also debating between asking for two weeks off or three after the surgery so I was curious what your experience was.

I'm always happy to answer what questions I can, friend! You're not bothering me.

So I work for a company that's got pretty notorious liberal leanings. There was a trans guy working there when I started, and I quietly observed how supportive all the management was of him, how kind and understanding and accepting they all were.

You don't legally have to explain any medical things to your work, but I went to my boss and explained exactly what I was doing long before it came up, and he and the assistant managers all made sure I got my leave officially approved, and talked me through the process of getting short-term disability pay. They checked in with me while I was recovering, were patient while I recovered, and made sure I knew I'd still have a job when I came back. They took me back as soon as my surgeon approved it, on transitional duty (which is just slightly less heavy lifting) for the first month just in case. If I had needed more time, they would have absolutely given it to me. If I needed more restrictions to work, they would have worked with me. They asked me about pronouns a few times, to make sure they were using the right ones even though I don't remember my own a lot of the time and all the customers call me she/her/ma'am. I don't know why I thought that would change, but it definitely didn't. I have a really good work environment. (I also scheduled surgery during our slow time of year, which I didn't need to do, but I wanted to) Do you trust your boss? Do you know how they are with queer people in general? With trans people specifically? Are you very familiar with the HR department? Definitely check your company's policies! We have specific paperwork that lists all the physical requirements for work (make sure you pay attention to more than just weight restrictions).

One of my friends who had top surgery told his work he was getting shoulder surgery, which may be an option depending on your shape, attire, and how close people get to you. The thought of claiming breast cancer crossed my mind early on, but I wasn't comfortable lying about that and I wouldn't recommend it. Again, legally you don't have to tell them any specifics, but it's something to think about with something that's visible.

My surgeon said I could lift up to 25 lbs at 3 weeks after surgery, and in my experience I could lift a little more than that at the time (I was probably lifting close to that at 1 week)... but I couldn't lift my elbows above my head, and couldn't carry any weight at that height, so I took 6 weeks, at which point I wasn't completely at 100% capacity but I was able to do my job. If you work a desk job, 3 weeks is fine. 2 is probably fine too. Don't hesitate to ask for more though.

[tookishcombeferre]

In Defense of Wish

Firstly, I want to say that I'm not trying to "gotcha" any of the critiques or change people's minds about the film in any way. I just wanted to pose a different viewpoint on the film because I have a child, and I think having a child has made me simultaneously more simple and given me more time to think in the privacy of my own mind.

Secondly, before I dive into my actual thoughts below the cut, I do recognize that there are lots of reasons not to feed into the Disney machine, or the film industry, or what have you. However, I no longer live in the world purely for myself. I do my level best to enrich my child's world with things that are actively anti-racist, and anti-capitalist, and radical - to many people in my family too radical. However, Bean is one years old and there's only so much they understand. I also, as a parent, recognize that I have to balance the realities of the world with hope, such that, they feel empowered to make change as opposed to feeling eternally hopeless about the world that I helped bring them into.

Which actually is a great transition into my thoughts on the film which is below the cut.

In regards to the actual film, I do agree with most critics in that it, at times, felt a little bit jumbled. I think this is because a lot of plot/ concepts that you need to make sense of the world are tucked in songs, facial expressions, or other more subtle places as opposed to being given in exposition. This CAN be fine if the frame stays on that topic long enough for folks to process it. Therefore, I think Wish could benefit from an Extended Edition or director's cut. I think some of the ideas in the story aren't conveyed as well as they could be due to the fact that the film sometimes feels rushed in some places.

However, my first major point is that, as a long time space nerd, I think Wish really hinges on a unique concept that is, in fact, scientifically accurate.

Human beings, animals, plants, and the universe itself is actually made of the same matter that composes the stars.

When the Big Bang occured, particles of space matter, star dust if you will, spread across the universe creating the cosmos. Thus, Wish actually touches on, and makes magical, a real scientific concept. This is the dust that we hypothetically return to when we decompose in death is stardust.

So, that earned a big thumbs up in my book because that's some pretty nifty world building.

I also really enjoyed that Magnifico was just evil. He was deranged. He was confident. He was a silver fox. I didn't need to know why he went all power hungry. I didn't need to know his trauma. He was just bad, and I was here for that. (I might have actually been happier if they'd just left out the tidbit about his crest and let him just be BAD without a hint of anything else.) I've missed the past Disney villains that were just evil for evil's sake. There's something refreshing about someone just being bad and getting what they deserve for being bad and lying to people.

On the subject of Magnifico, the depth that I discovered in the movie is what happens when people give him their wishes. In so many ways, they hand over their soul, their hearts desire, the thing that makes that person who they are in return for safety and happiness. Thus, instead of being able to work towards their dreams, people waste away longing to be reunited with their soul only once the wish can be granted magically.

This really struck me because I'm trans masculine, and I have begun a social non-medical transition. I have longed for a "boyhood" all my life. It's something I was never allowed. It's something that invaded my dreams every night. It's something that I, in my dinosaur pajamas, now try to give myself in small ways. I know what my wish is. I know what I am in that dream, and I try to become it in my own ways day by day. However, if that wish were taken from me, I would no longer be me. I wouldn't want to give up my "dangerous wish" and lose myself no matter what it afforded me. I was really struck by the way a person's heart's desire was, in a sense, their whole being. In losing their wish, they lost themselves, and I think that's a really powerful, and important thing.

Thus, Magnifico may think, in his twisted mind, that he's helping relieve them of a burden. He's allowing them to live without the pain of things that, like my own desire, may never come to be in the way that person desires it. However, in reality, he's not protecting people. He never has been. He wants to keep the wishes because they give him power. He's an ass through and through, and I'm here for that sexy silver fox of an asshole.

And, yes, like all the villains before him, he successfully dupes the hero into trusting him. However, Asha is smart and very quickly understands that Magnifico is a dick. She's faster to that conclusion than any other hero/heroine, and I think that's important. She sees the purity of all the wishes that Magnifico possesses though the wish of her grandfather. Her grandfather wanted to inspire others, and Magnifico's first thought is that he'll lead a rebellion. Asha is able to see though Magnifico's bullshit in a way few others can because she sees the purity of the wishes of her own people.

I've seen a few reviews that call Asha selfish because her initial reaction is just to save the wishes of her mother and grandfather. Valid point. I see you. However, I raise you that she could have just made a break for it and saved her own skin. I also draw your attention to the lyrics of her wishing song. "If I could show them everything I've seen/ Open their eyes to all the lies then/ Would they change their minds like I did?" - In the animation of these lines, Asha is walking through the courtyard and remembering the wishes, not of her grandfather or mother, but the wishes of some of the citizens of Rosas. The wish to fly. The wish to captain a boat. The wish to be strong and explore. Her hope is for all of her people. For the first time since "God Help the Outcasts," the heroine's desire is for others not herself.

She goes on to say, several times, "So I make this wish/ To have something more for us than this." Her desire is not for herself. Instead, her deepest desire is to give the wishes, the heart and soul, back to her people. Again, I find this to be an incredibly selfless wish.

This wishing song leads into one of the most lyrically dense songs in the movie. However, the line that I want to call attention to is "See we're all just little nebulae in a nursery/ From supernovas now we've grown into our history/ We're taking why's right out of mystery." This line dives into the depths of that star science I mentioned in the beginning. Each person, being made of stardust, is, in a way, their own nebulae that has their own history. Secondarily, we also have our own moment in history that weaves into other people's histories. This sets up the conclusion of the film really nicely, but this is something I think could have been expanded on to make clearer because this song is really, really fast paced and dense. (Bean loves this song and bounced on my, my mom's, and my spouse's laps in the movie theater to it.)

It's all great to know that we're stars, and that power lives within us because of that. However, Asha needs to grow in understanding the importance of community. She cannot do this on her own, and she comes to discover that her mother and grandfather aren't the only people at risk. She's young. She's somewhere between 17 and 18 years old. She's naive and innocent. She literally doesn't understand that Magnifico would do anything to keep his throne and power. However, alongside her friends, she discovers what's really at stake, and she works hard, with help, to make things right.

Thus, what Asha has in grit, determination, and independence, she needs to learn in community. She needs others to help her in her goals to save her family, and eventually to save her whole kingdom. When Magnifico takes matters into his own hands, and falls prey to his own conceit and lust for independent power, he's crushed by the weight of it. It, quite literally, consumes him. Her whole country decides to take their power - their heart's desires - back from Magnifico. They want those pure and innocent parts of themselves back. So, they unite their wishes for a better world, for their heart's desires, back because, no matter how weird or impossible, our dreams ARE us. (Don't dream it, be it - if you will.)

I think, at its core, Wish has two things it's trying to say in a very simple way.

In the purest sense, we are what we dream.

We are all stardust, and thus, we are all connected.

Wish is an incredibly simple story. It doesn't have deep twists. It's not long. It's saying a lot of complex things if you're willing to look. However, it's a very simple story. As a parent, Wish's simplicity is it's beauty. We have so many stories for children that are technical, complex, and deep. I do hope we can continue to see more stories like Encanto or Puss in Boots. However, I found Wish refreshing in some ways because of its simplicity. It's a story that a small child could summarize easily. It's bright and colorful and hopeful. It has a nice message, and it has a decent amount of diversity without diversity being a plot point TM. It's something I am happy to let my child watch because, even if Asha looks different from them, Asha has qualities that Bean should aspire to. To me, Wish is a fairy story with a background and protagonist that fit the modern world. But, as a fairy story, there's isn't a whole lot of depth in the plot. The depth comes from the morals it teaches us.

So, I guess, I'm a bit of a dreamer myself. I dream of a world that might one day accept me as I am even if I choose not to medically transition and "pass." I dream of a world where I get to remain who I am without someone sucking my passion, my dream, and my desire from me. I want a world for my squish where they are allowed to retain their innocence, and where all children are allowed the innocence of their youth. I don't want anyone to take away that dream because I don't want to lose the fight that's in me to achieve it. I'm not becoming a soulless zombie of the "Magnifico Machine" if you will. I have to dream a world worth living in if it's ever going to exist.

Those are the sorts of things I want my squish to hold onto for as long as they can. The world is a horrible place at the moment, but if we choose to cover our eyes, our ears, and our mouths, if we choose to stop dreaming of a better world, then, we won't have the strength to make a better one. Hope is one of the most important things anyone, but especially our youth can have. Without hope, nothing has meaning. School is useless. Nothing means anything. We all fall apart. We have to have hope. If everything is beyond saving, why try to save it at all? So, we have to keep our dreams, and keep them safe. Our dreams are us. Treat even your silliest ones with kindness. They just might change the world.

If you read all this, thank you. If you didn't, that's totally fine. If this made you angry, I'd love to hear why. If this sparks some thoughts, related or unrelated to this film, I'd love to chat.

Much love,

Pip

[queermoths]

one thing that i dont see talked about a lot online is living with a psychotic disorder and adhd.

cause, for me for example, i cannot go on stimulants to medicate it. my med provider thinks it's too risky, given how hard it was to find a medication concotion that somewhat works for me (doesnt really treat the mood parts though, im considered "treatment resistant") and how stimulants can cause psychosis. it could turn out totally fine for me and they could help my adhd a great deal, but she isn't willing to risk everything else going to shit.

it's a weighing of pros and cons, and yes currently slowly trying to transition to some non-stimulant adhd medication for college with my med provider keeping close watch cause even non-stimulants can cause psychosis worsening in those with a psychotic disorder. sometimes it can feel very lonely, dealing with a psychotic disorder and the sanism that comes with it. i want to talk candidly about this stuff in real life but the threat of hospitalization looms whenever i bring it up, despite not needing the hospital. even with doctors, the stigma attached is so strong hospitalization can be a possibility even when i dont need it, especially given my institutionalized history. (is that the correct phrase? i cannot think of it.)

psychotic disorders are isolating. no one wants to know you have one, and if they know they don't want to chat with you, much less discuss it openly like you can other stuff.

this is a ramble i cannot express succintly right now, a ramble with many formed thoughts and many half-baked thoughts buzzing around. maybe ill try and do some creative writing about it, a poem or essay or something. it needs to come out.

[butch-reidentified]

https://www.tumblr.com/butch-reidentified/719996145360830465/butch-reidentified-vaspider

i'm trans and i have issues with several of these bullet points but honestly that first one is just true and i'm genuinely at a loss about what to do ab it bc for some reason the community has decided that since we're accused falsely by transphobes, any accusation whatsoever is inherently transphobic. like, i never see these people talk about what to do if you ARE assaulted by another transfem- it's SO fucking clear the answer is 'suck it up and be quiet' and i worry that having a demographic in the community that can unilaterally not be held accountable *is* going to start drawing in creeps if it hasn't already. but if i say that, i'll be excommunicated from a community i care about and have been a part of for most of my life. like, why is it safer to say this to a fucking radfem than to my own community?

I'm really genuinely sorry to hear this. The truth is, all else aside, I've found WAY more love, support, and acceptance among radfems (even when I disagree with the majority of them on something! that's actually allowed here!) as a sex-dysphoric, happily medically transitioned person than I EVER found when I was half-heartedly slapping a gender label on myself and participating 24/7 in irl + online trans spaces and online transactivism.

I always felt so uncomfortable in trans spaces with the fact that respecting the pronouns of r-pists and abusers was always the focus of conversation over making sure we actually held such people accountable, called them out, refused to make space for them, and looked out for their victims. Even with the trans woman who was a serial abuser who primarily, like 90%, targeted trans people as her victims, the response was that all 15 or so victims who spoke out were transmisogynistic/transphobic liars - even though about half were MTF themselves, and all but one or two were trans in some manner or other. And there were photographs from injuries some victims had sustained, and many screenshots of damning things the perpetrator had said. It became more and more clear to me that when trans women were accused of sexual assault, abuse, or similar behaviors, the community was more concerned about how this might make trans people look (optics) and about making sure everyone knew that even serial r-pists and partner beaters MUST be treated as their identified gender no matter what. The focus was never on intra-community accountability or caring for victims, whether those victims were trans themselves or not. It always upset me. Idk how I tolerated it for as long as I did.

NO ONE should have to live in fear of being ostracized from their community for speaking up about abuse and/or violence. That was one of the major red flags that started pushing me away despite still considering myself trans in a material, non-ideological sense. There were many others, some of which the following paragraph sort of hints at. But if I'm being 100000% real, I realized more and more how much I was lying to myself (and as a result, to others) after I started separating from trans spaces.

As for your last question, it's safer to say this in radfem spaces because: 1. Radfems are extremely anti-abuse, anti-sexual violence, etc. no matter what. We don't just recite mantras about believing victims - we take doing so in practice very seriously. 2. Radfems encourage dissent, critical thinking, civil discourse even within radical feminism. It's easy to feel safe because you aren't walking on eggshells, constantly watching every tiny word you speak/type, terrified that you'll phrase something slightly wrong just once and lose your entire social group and support system overnight.

I find it very easy to exist within my corner of radblr. I don't have to be afraid to ask questions or not understand something. I feel genuinely supported and given room to breathe and grow in every way, especially intellectually, which I now have the clarity to realize felt so thoroughly stifled in trans spaces. I don't feel restricted or constrained, I don't feel constantly anxious. I no longer have that unsettling deep-down awareness of being disconnected from the "normie" offline world, so to speak - and since leaving Oz and returning to the normal world, my irl relationships have healed and flourished. I've also been able to be a much better friend to my trans loved ones, because they have largely been excommunicated from the "trans community" for their own "thought crimes" as well. I'm not constantly checking myself for thought crimes, and as a result, I trust myself more and am more confident in my views, thought processes, and analyses.

Your community should damn well support you. Your community should take you seriously when you speak out about abuse. I wish I could say you were an exception or an outlier, but there's a reason I have SO many trans friends who want nothing to do with the "community." I really am sorry. I see that struggle and that isolation in many of my friends and neither they nor you deserve to feel that way.

[ukftm]

Sorry this is so long. In 2017 i was seen at london gic, given the go ahead for testosterone gel. My gp refused at the time. I tried 3 different gp’s and the 4th agreed to start (now 2020) but she was a locum. When she left my gp cancelled the prescription i was only on it 3 months. I begged my gp to continue but got nowhere as she “didn’t believe it was right thing to do” her words. So i changed gp surgery. It took me so long to change as i felt like giving up, but i finally thought i’d try again. Just had a appointment waited 8 weeks for it and all i got was a referral back to gic London which is 5 year long wait list. I’m going to try another gp at this surgery another 8 week wait. If they refuse to starting a prescription, i’ll have to wait the 5 years again and even then a gp can refuse to prescribe again like the first time. I came out when i was 16 it’s 10 years later and medically i am no further forward. I am so frustrated at the whole system. It feels like i will never be able to medically transition. I want to give up completely. I’ve done everything i can transition wise (documents ect). What are my options if i still get refused from every gp i see, i can’t afford private care. I know legally no gp has to prescribe on recommendation of a specialist but if that’s the case then every gp i see won’t prescribe. I can’t keep trying, it’s exhausting and i haven’t got anywhere in 10years. What can i do?

Hi Anon,

My advise would be to write a letter of complaint to your local NHS board, detailing the fact that you have been prescribed T from your GIC and your multiple GPS have refused you treatment (detail the specific GPs by name). These GPs are acting against the recommendation of the GIC and refusing you care/treatment.

Before you write your letter of complaint, do some research on the NHS website and look at their care statements and policies for patients. This will help you use some of these points in your letter.

GPs may have their own opinions about trans health care but they CANNOT refuse you treatment especially when you have been prescribed T by your GIC. GPs cannot decide who they will and will not treat. This is discrimination. You must say very clearly in your complaint letter that you are being refused treatment as a trans person and you are therefore being discriminated against due to your trans identity. Using words like ‘discrimination’ and ‘refusal of access to medical care’ are really important when writing letters of complaint.

The General medical council clearly state: “That GPs must co-operate with gender identity clinics and specialists to provide effective and timely treatment for trans and non-binary people.”

You may also want to get in contact with your GIC and ask if there is anything further they can do.

You would however NOT be put back to the bottom of the waiting list so you would not have to wait another 5 years for further letters or appointments with your GIC. You would just need to email/call them to discuss your situation.

You should also reach out to your local MSP and tell them about your situation and that as a trans person you are being refused treatment.

Citizens advice are also a good place to contact for advice. Their website states: “if GPs refuse to accept you, they must provide reasonable grounds and give you their reasons in writing”. This will apply to refusing treatment also. I have attached the citizens advice website as it provides a few options to get help.

There are too many trans people having bad experiences like this with their GPs, but writing formal letters of complaint highlighting their discriminatory practises are essential here.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/health/nhs-healthcare-s/nhs-patients-rights-s/#:~:text=If%20they%20refuse%20to%20accept,first%20choice%20has%20been%20refused.

I have also attached a document that Mermaids created about GPs and their duty of care as well as a link to a website discussing trans healthcare, so you may find this information helpful:

https://www.bma.org.uk/advice-and-support/gp-practices/gp-service-provision/managing-patients-with-gender-dysphoria

[piedoesnotequalpi]

12, 17, 18, 29 for the ask game! - @pigeonwit

Hi Pidge :)

12. How many WIPs do you have in your docs for next year?

I've had to be very careful about WIPs due to working on How It Will Be! So in terms of WIPs that actually have things written, there's HIWB (of course) and a Sprace meet cute one-shot inspired by this swing dance video I've seen floating around tumblr. I have documents with some planning notes, but I haven't actually started writing those, and some of them are Bachelorette AU tie-ins that I can't really write until HIWB is done. I still need to write my exchange and mini bang fics, but those don't have documents yet (😬)

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

Race! I've given him a lot of roles--a depressed, somewhat emotionally constipated professor (in a fic I ultimately hid on AO3 (I can dig up the tutorial on how to do that for anyone who wants it)); Jack's scheming best friend/roommate (Take the elephant by the hand); an offputting not-quite-human (Still Through the Leaves); and of course the over-the-top Bachelorette host. It's been cool to figure out how his personality traits manifest in each AU, and I am very excited to make him go through some stuff in the next couple chapters of HIWB.

Honorable mention to Crutchie, because while he cares a lot about his friends he is also a menace, which is always entertaining. In the Much Ado-niverse, he has a very specific way of talking (gratuitous fancy words, mostly) that I really enjoy writing, but given his different background/career choices/interests in HIWB I didn't think it made sense to carry that over.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

I don't know if it's trouble necessarily, but out of all the non-POV characters in HIWB, Albert has consistently had the most going on behind the scenes, as it were. But because he isn't a POV character, everything we know about him comes exclusively from dialogue and how the POV characters interpret his actions. Figuring out what he was thinking/feeling in the more emotionally charged scenes while also figuring out how much of that he'd want to reveal (and what characters figure out) was definitely an interesting process. I rewrote the scene in the Reykjavik chapter where he and Charlie first kissed at least 3-4 times because I was so worried about getting it right.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

There are a lot of one-liners that I really like, and there's a scene early-ish in HIWB where Jack is being a bi disaster about Davey and Katherine that I think is fun, but my favorite has to be the opening of chapter 8 in the now-hidden fic I've referenced. Race is a trans guy in that AU, and he spends some time before he realizes that he's trans questioning his sexuality, and this scene is the aftermath of some of that pre-transition questioning going slightly sideways. Anyway, the scene is under the cut (Race is referred to with she/her due to the scene taking place pre-realization):

After Race broke up with her girlfriend, she went back to the half of a duplex that she shared with a couple perpetually absent medical students and shut herself in her room.

Dating Amelia had been–Not an experiment, Race reminded herself. You really thought you liked her. Amelia was also a PhD student, luckily in the robotics engineering department and therefore far enough removed from Race’s statistics program for them to have space post-breakup. They were friends, and Race had enjoyed spending time with her–except for the small problem that she’d eventually realized she wasn’t actually attracted to her.

Jack and David coming out senior year had turned out to be a catalyst for the rest of their friend group. Sarah had announced she was a lesbian part way through college, and Albert and Finch had both come out as gay and ended up in an on-and-off friends with benefits situation that Race tried to avoid knowing the details of. Charlie had said a couple years ago that he was still figuring things out, but between his friends, job, and disability rights activism, he thought he was probably too busy to date anyway. Even Spot and Katherine, who’d spent most of their lives struggling to fit the pictures their parents had of them, had come out to the general public via Facebook post on the same day in the fall. Which left Race, theoretically the token straight of the group, who was read as a lesbian even more now that she’d cut her hair short, donated the last dress and underwire bra in her closet, and wore as much L.L. Bean clothing as she could get her hands on.

She had thought that maybe she’d missed something along the way, that she really was secretly bisexual and had been in denial the whole time. She was sure she was interested in men–she’d had a few boyfriends in undergrad, and then there was the yearslong, semi-latent crush on–

No.

Race swallowed, staring vacantly at the collage of pictures she’d hung on her wall. There was her with Jack and Medda at her college graduation, her and Albert and David at a surprisingly quiet beach on the Cape, a picture of her undergrad dance troupe performing, and right in the middle, a picture of her sitting on a couch–she didn’t even remember where it was taken at this point–next to–

There was a chance that she just hadn’t found the right person in Amelia. But Race didn’t want to date another girl, knowing that she probably would just end up discovering she wasn’t attracted to them in the first place.

She and this theoretical girl deserved better.

[shinra-makonoid]

More of an opinion matter, why do you think we're trans? I personally believe that it's something in my brain that fucked up, which made me want to be male, regardless of what conscious identity I was forming. This makes the most sense to me as a non-biologist, or maybe that is the only thing I could accept, because "it's all social" made it initially sound like a thing I shouldn't indulge. If I want to have male body because of society, the most "correct" way would be to make myself accept what I already have, right? Somewhere down there I still believe that, so the only way I accepted myself being trans is that it has some sort of biological/neurological basis.

Here goes a whole rant that is JUST my opinion I'm not saying anything I'm saying is true or valid, and I'm just blabbing about it, but you asked. Also largely talking about what I think are my true reasons.

My official opinion is I don't know. Like I used to be pretty certain but now I kinda took a step back and I prefer not having judgement either way. I'm also not up to date with the litterature at all. As I said before, it doesn't impact me on the why I am who I am. It made me have a "looser" view about people transitioning even if they claim they have no dysphoria, people dysphoria on both ends, or the few strange trans people who seem to have a kink about it etc. "Trans" means a lot of things.

Specifically for gender dysphoria (that is more of a symptom with a definition, I'm not talking about the DSM list, more like having "sex dysphoria" basically : distress about your sexual characteristics and wanting them to be the opposite sex's) there are two difference of roots which we have to find out about: how gender dysphoria is displayed in the brain, and what caused that specificity if it exists. Then when does the causes occur, is it before, after birth, during childhood, adolescence? Many parameters are to be taken into account there, and I don't believe it's one simple cause. I'm not certain it's been researched a lot. I only know that GD is begining to be known as highly linked to the autism spectrum.

I would assume it's something biological in the brain obviously, to me it's undeniable there is a biological factor to all of it (and as I said before, there's a study about it) as well as a lot of review showing genetics and hormonal components (tho sometimes they integrate sexual orientation in the game so it makes it harder to really be sure). I think it's difficult to assume there isn't, but the thing is, we don't really know if we're all trans for the same reasons, and we might never know, and maybe we shouldn't assume we are either. Why should I be a "real trans" compared to any other trans. Is there really a difference between me and someone who after transitioning, stopped feeling dysphoria and detransitioned? (I'm not talking about the cases of people suffering from GD and then detransing because of political/ideological influences there obviously).

Then, it doesn't mean it has to be a "brain sex" thing, just like it doesn't have to be in another way that's closer to typical mental health issues like dysmorphia either, or something close to body integrity disorder, or some deep thing we can't even check today. The possibilities are endless and it's like a needle in a haystack. It is difficult, in my opinion, to claim that gender dysphoria is "definitely in that part of the brain" or "definitely portrayed like this in the brain", or "definitely social". I think TERFs saying it's dysmorphia are wrong in a lot of cases, and I think people saying they have the "brain of the opposite side" as a blanket statement are also wrong.

Then there's society. I argue a lot about how I don't think our behavior or gender presentation, but I would argue that the opportunity to being able to transition is given by society, and therefore, an undeniable part of "being trans" is social, because transitioning medically is now available to us. It's not like centuries before where people had to do how they could do, now we have an opportunity to really switch genders.

TERFs consider that it's "bad" to transition to the opposite sex if you are so GNC it impacts negatively your life on a day to day, that you should just "suck it up" for the political stance. Well, I don't agree with that. I think that if someone is so GNC that they find relief in transition, then they're trans, but they might not have gender dysphoria the same way I do. The reason might be social, but I think being GNC is not chosen but impacted by biological processes (and unchangeable), and therefore, it's still a thing in the brain causing the person "being trans", but it's probably not the same as someone who transitioned for sex dysphoria reason. If there is a higher quality of life after, then it was clinically the right choice, no matter the politics about it. Anyway, same thing applies for the claim of people transitioning because they're autistic. And even there, who's to argue there is only one "reason" that makes someone transitioning? Do we, the "real trans" only transition for "sex dysphoria" reasons too? I'm not sure.

I still ask myself *why* I did transition for real. Because I don't think it's clear to myself either, like there are surface level rationalization of things (my bottom sex dysphoria for ex that exists since I'm a teenager), but overall, with time, it just "felt" "natural" to me to assume the gender of a man. I "naturally" "felt" that way ever since I was a kid even when I had no words to really describe it. I remember as a child, wanting to tell my mom that I didn't want to be a tomboy, but just a boy. Up until teenagehood, I wanted to be with boys naturally, and it was a difficult time when I became a teenager because guys wouldn't look at me as a peer anymore. Is that natural or is that social? TERFs will argue that it was because I was "autistic" (I'm not diagnosed, I'm not claiming that I am), or because I was a tomboy and pressure from society blablabla, but idk it seems weak as an explanation for something so visceral and so natural. I think this is why I especially like the CAH girls being more masculine studies, it's because it explains something for me. CAH girls having more prenatal exposure to testosterone, have their bodies masculinized compared to other girls, and display more masculinity than girls. I'm not CAH, but my mom had polycystic ovaries syndrom which results in more testosterone and infertility. Both my brother (who is autistic) and I are screwed up in a gender/sexual/social way. Is that a coincidence? Who knows (after all we had screwed childhood too, on a different level as we have 10 years apart), but yeah if the CAH was debunked I'd take a bit of a hit because of my personal experience (I am super biased about it).

Anyway. I also remember that before transitioning, I did feel like I was a "failed" woman, because I've tried very hard to be with my women peers but was never considered as a valid woman by peers (because of my hairiness, because of my social differences, my behavior, because of my lack of femininity or even because of my masculinity), which is a classic TERF point too. There's also period, I hated them, and I never wanted to be pregnant ever. Those are practical, biological but still kinda social reasons.

Once I transitioned, it didn't fix my bottom sex dysphoria (still unbearably present), like I'm not sure I'll be able to comfortably fuck ever. But I also enjoy very much how my body is, I enjoy my beard, my hair pattern, my neck, my forehead, my shoulders, my stomach, my legs, my arms, my back, my hips, my build, my figure, which are not things that used to be before. I guess it could be argued it's "gender euphoria", but to me it's possible that I used to feel gender dysphoria about all of this but simply didn't acknowledge it, and when it stops it's a relief. Like when you have chronic pain, your perception of pain changes. Maybe when you have chronic distress in regards to gender, sometimes your perception of distress changes. I have a general tendency to live that way (past situations that were bearable before are unbearable to me now because I know better). Maybe "gender euphoria" is that, and so maybe it's an integral part of "being trans" and/or "having gender dysphoria". Finally, there's the social aspects of it, I'm no longer an outcast with my peers in regards to my more than average masculine female body, my general behavior is more consistent with my appearance, mannerisms (or lack of), and I bloomed into masculinity with contentment rather than feeling "constraigned" by it, even on its problematic aspects (to which I just don't participate in). Being a man is not easy, as it's lonely, sometimes violent (psychologically and/or physically) and yet I agree with it being part of my life, it's not unbearable as it used to be as a woman (which to my experience was less psychologically/physically violent and definitely less lonely despite being an outcast generally). I don't think I changed or morphed into something else in society due to it. I'm still globally the same person as I was before transitioning, it's just that I'm happier with my mind and my body now. The same way that I didn't feel specifically sex dysphoria in regards to my breasts (it feels weird to say that because they not here anymore!!!), but I did feel constant distress from having them due partly to social reasons, and now they're gone and I'm so happy I could just stare at my chest all day and I ordered things online to wear because of how excited I was to wear shirts and looking like a guy with a normal chest in the mirror. I love how manly I looks. I love my body, I just wished I had a penis and it would be like... Perfect. Except maybe my height but some kings are short and that's life.

I don't think any of that "new" (it's been 5 years after all) found love regarding my body is clinically concordant with a dysmorphia diagnosis (I didn't find new flaws, I don't obsess over new flaws, my bottom sex dysphoria hasn't changed, I took 5 years to decide myself whether I wanted to remove my breasts so I think it's safe to say I was not in a rush to change my body or find new things to change about my body) or any other kind of TERF flavored diagnosis, but I think it is clinically concordant with a gender dysphoria diagnosis (quality of life and body satisfaction correlated to my appearance changing to the opposite sex). And again, every step of the way, I agree with myself whether I want to continue T shots, whether I'm happy with being trans, I let myself have the space to consider detransitioning in a neutral way and without considering it a failure if I ever do it. Of course I doubt it would ever happen but I'm open to the possibility, I'm open to changing my mind about myself. I'm not forcing myself through a path, I'm enjoying the path, my own personal private path.

So you see, based on that alone there's probably a plethora of reasons as to why I "really" transitioned, that seem more accurate and grounded in the earth compared to "social influences on tumblr/other trans people" or "childhood abuse", "society expectations", "being actually a lesbian" or "wanting to be your father" (as one therapist said to me), but more complicated than "it's only sex dysphoria".

I'm giving you my personal testimony on this, it's not generalizable, and it doesn't mean anything in regards to "trans people" in general either, but I hope it might give some comfort to some people who think they 100% have to transition for these right specific reasons and none else, or that there is "only one reason for people to transition". It's a complex thing, I hope I'm highlighting how complexe it really is with my example, and also showing that if you were to search all of that in a brain, it would probably be a big confusing mess.

[minniefights]

Update #14: Updates- the good, the bad, the in-between

November 11, 2023

I am writing this as I sneaked myself in her hospital bed. My Mom is home, she is happy and her well-being is doing so much better. Oh what a gift to be alive! Everyday is a gift I relish with her.

There’s both bad and good news. Let’s first address the elephant in the room, so we can end on a high note later!

Bad news

My Mom is experiencing another infection. Pneumonia is here again. And she needs another round of stront IV antibiotics for it. The doctors advise her to re-admitted but she sorely refused. She said she will sign a waver never to be taken back to the hospital ever again. Currently, she is undergoing the necessary medications via home care. As before, a doctor comes to manage her medical situation, while my nurse uncle administers the medicines and a caregiver monitors her situation.

She also experienced another Gastrointestinal Bleeding this week but thankfully, it was easily alleviated thru IV meds. Her blood pressure is also being closely monitored as it could drop to dangerous levels.

For now, her chemo is halted because of her infection and her inability to sit. Chemo is done on an out-patient basis. But we are hoping she could get back at it very soon!

Peace that surpasses all understanding

I can honestly say that she is so much at peace with her predicament. She desires to be healed, she celebrates life that she’s given every single day, and her faith is so strong. But at the same time, she is surrendered to the will of God. She acknowledges that death could come knocking, and she is willing to obey and to submit, when it comes. She also makes the hard conversations easy.

What makes it so is that her eyes are fixed on heaven, on the eternal promise. Because of her faith, I am slowly learning to view death not as a thief but an escort. It comes to help us transition to an eventual reality. As many other transitions, this one is marked with much pain and sorrow. But in faith I say, still it is no sorrow that can ultimately diminish the joy that will come. “You will grieve but your grief will become joy.” (John 16:20)

I know this is taboo for many. But I think it’s just healthy to view things that way, and even find space to articulate our fears and faith surrounding it. Because this really is an eventual reality for ALL OF US, not just her’s. We’re all terminal. Only God knows when. But when we view life as it really is, it also holds power because then we won’t go living our lives wastefully. Moments of crisis makes us realize the brevity of life and live everyday with intention and purpose.

BUT! We are not wallowing in sorrow just yet. We shed a few tears at times and that is welcome too but today, she is still here and have many improvements. And we celebrate that! We will take any time that we have with her, however long or short. We take it and seize it for life is such a precious and fragile gift!

What we could promise, though, is that we will defend life until the last breath. We will give Mom the best medical care in our power and try out best to make her days happy and peaceful.

Good news (yay!)

But here’s a real cause for some celebration! Mom’s doing so so much better here at home. Upon immediately setting foot here, her vibe changed in an instant. She is happy, grateful, and energetic. Her appetite has improved so much. She’s on soft diet, eats 4 times a day and drinks fruity smoothies twice a say. These are things mostly non-quantifiable by science but now, she is living life to the full and exclaims daily “life is good!”

She also has activities she looks forward to like praying, coloring, playing word puzzles and hosting family and a few friends who would visit. She is also continuing her Physical Therapy and is able to make subtle movements on her own now, like side lying or tilting her head.

We’re still extra careful when receiving guests, though, as her immune system is still very very weak. If you recall, she was hospitalized for almost a month and her final diagnosis was Septic Shock (a life-threatening condition that happens when your blood pressure drops to a dangerously low level after an infection). So any sickness, even the slightest cold can be very detrimental to her. So we’re trying our best not to let our guards down.

As I have said, she feels more alive now. If you could see the glow in her eyes and her skin (honestly she has better skin compared to mine!!). I think she’s never been this alive and happy since the past 6 months. And we claim this is a miracle! And you know what else is a miracle? You! Your kindness and love, along with the Holy Spirit, propels us forward. Thank you so so much! Please continue to pray for us.

Moms be moms even when they’re sick. This is her using a mirror to peek and check on me. She also occasionally gives orders to put things on particular places so that’s how you know she’s getting better! :)