#gonna copy/paste this to my journal lol

[matcha-milkies]

WELL, YOU DID ASK

Summary: Aboard the Stan-O’-War II, Stan finds out and confronts Ford about his past relationship with Bill.

Alternatively: “Ford, why did Bill call you babygirl?”

Relationships: Sea Grunkles, Bill Cipher/Ford Pines (Mentioned)

Content Warnings: Implied/Referenced Sex

Tags: Humor, Light Angst, Banter

Inspired By: This Meme and This Comic

Word Count: 2,489

Link to AO3: Here

A/N: Yeah it’s been a HOT MINUTE five years since I watched Gravity Falls, and I’m still waiting on my copy of Book of Bill, so I’m sorry if there are any inconsistencies with canon in this. I was riffing hard off of secondhand material lol

Stan stares up at the top bunk as the room gently sways from side to side, a cabin cradled in the bosom of the ocean. He’s lying face up on his cot, hands on his abdomen, and he’s contemplating something very deeply. It’s unnerving, this thing. He almost wishes he could forget all about it. Almost.

He bites his bottom lip and deliberates over what to do about this. He could just leave it alone. Things have been good lately. Why rock the boat, so to speak? They could go about their day, have their coffee, cast their lines into the sea, fry that leftover kraken meat for dinner. Blegh, he’s so sick of kraken meat. He’s going to have to find a way to season that thing to spice it up a bit or else he’s gonna go crazy. Why do krakens have to be so enormous anyway?

Yeah, he could do that. He could be normal.

After all, if the answer is no, then there’s nothing to worry about in the first place. And if the answer is yes… does he really want to know about it? What is he going to do, where is he going to go from there? Ask for details? He’s racked by a fullbody shudder. As if.

But deep down, he knows he’s kidding himself. If he doesn’t confront his brother, then this is going to linger in the back of Stan’s mind for all of eternity. He won’t be able to look at his twin without pondering all the ‘why’s. Why him? Why didn’t you tell me?

Stan hauls himself to a sitting position and swings his legs over the side of his bunk. He stares at the wall for a little bit, mouth quirked to the side. The Stan-O’-War II creaks, as if it’s also pondering to itself. He can hear his brother rustling papers a ways away in the other room. It’s a small boat. Of course it is. There’s only two of them to man it.

Stan starts to walk into the other room, then turns around and changes course at the last second, heading above deck instead. Hopefully his twin was too preoccupied with his work to notice. Stan walks over to the port side and leans his arms against the railing with a sigh. It’s a nice day out, at least. The sun is shining high in the sky with only a few clouds drifting overhead. They’re somewhere off the coast of Canada.

Somewhere further south but still along the same coast are his great niece and nephew, going to school again. He wonders how they’re doing. He wishes he could call them. He misses them, but he also wants to take his mind off of this. He hears footsteps pacing below deck, probably to grab a book off a shelf or something, because they soon pace right back to where the desk would be. 

Stan lowers his head until his forehead is against the railing and sighs. He’s probably going to have to ask. The thing he’s dreading is knowing that it’s not gonna go over well. He gives it maybe another ten minutes to psyche himself up, then turns and tramps back down the stairs.

Ford is situated at his desk (it’s not anyone’s desk but really it’s Ford’s desk), sifting through some old creased pages that look like they’re about to disintegrate at the slightest breeze. On his right-hand side is a cold, half-finished cup of joe. Occasionally, he mutters something to himself and pens something in his new journal. He’s entirely absorbed. He doesn’t even seem to notice when Stan appears in the doorway and leans his elbow against it.

“Uh, hey, Sixer, how’s it goin’ in here?”

Ford starts. The pen drops from his hand and rolls around on the swaying floor. “Stanley, how many times do I have to tell you not to sneak up like that?”

“I didn’t sneak up on you. I’m notoriously loud. You’re the one with your nose glued to that journal.”

“I–” Ford’s breath catches in his throat before he lets it out in a sigh. “I suppose you have a point. I’m sorry, Stanley. I’m just frustrated at how little progress I’ve made with this. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen.”

“You know you say that, like, every time we find some weird thing, right?”

“I didn’t think we would encounter this many paranormal phenomena outside of Gravity Falls.”

“Maybe you’re the weirdness magnet.”

“Perhaps both of us are. After all, you were the one living in my shack for all those years pretending to be me.”

“Ha, yeah…” Stan musses his own hair. “Must run in the family.”

“Anyway–” after stooping to pick up the pen, Ford seats himself at the desk again– “you know I always appreciate your company, Stan, but I’d like to make some real headway before dinner if at all possible.”

“Uh, well, actually,” Stan says, and Ford glances up with a raised brow.

“What is it? Don’t tell me you accidentally dropped something overboard,” replies Ford, testing the temperature of his coffee. He looks displeased at the result but nevertheless continues to sip it anyway.

“Relax, relax, it’s nothing like that. Sheesh, are you ever gonna let me live that down?”

“It happened yesterday.”

“Ancient history!” Eh, might as well spit it out, right? “Hey, speaking of ancient history, what was going on with you and Bill?”

Ford makes some sort of choking sound and dribbles coffee back into his cup. He casts about for a napkin or a towel. “What do you mean by that?”

“Were you like, just a fling, boyfriend-boyfriend, married? What was going on there?”

Ford sputters, gives up and rolls up his sleeve to wipe his mouth on his bare arm. His voice cracks a little as he speaks. “What- What do you- What do- Why would you–”

“Look, don’t play dumb with me, IQ. When he was in my head, he said some things. And I didn’t think much of it at the time, but see, now I got nothing but time out here on this tin can, and I…”

His twin finally manages to school himself back into neutrality, although they’re both well aware it’s too late. He’s already shown his hand. All he can do is pretend, deny, for whatever that gets him. He spares Stan a glance over his spectacles, and it seems to last an eternity, before the man finally returns his gaze to his notes. “Now is not the time to talk about this.” Oh. Okay. So not even a denial then.

“Uh, right. Sure. And when exactly is the right time gonna be?”

Ford pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs with a kind of bone-deep exhaustion. “I don’t know, Stanley, any time I’m not trying to decipher the code that we found etched onto the side of that washed up precolonial artifact last week?”

“Well, I don’t know why it needs to be a whole song and dance, Einstein, it’s a simple question.”

“Yes, we were… romantically involved. Obviously. Now please leave me in peace.” Not that he had expected that answer to buy him anything, but he still finds himself chagrined when Stan stubbornly continues his line of questioning.

“Why didn’t you tell me about that?”

“I didn’t think it pertinent.” Ford closes the book on his left-hand side, resigning himself to the unfortunate reality that this conversation is happening, and there is no walking away from it. Where would he even escape to? They’re stuck on a boat together until they land at the next port.

“You didn’t think I’d wanna know you were getting… close with the literal demon that tried to kill us?”

“He wasn’t trying to kill us when I was getting to know him. Again, this should be obvious, Stanley. I don’t know why you’re making me spell it all out for you.” He strangles the air, vibrating with more frustration than he can dissipate. “Unless it’s just to torture me, which I wouldn’t put past you.”

“What is that supposed to mean? After all the things I’ve done for you, all I’m asking for here is a little honesty.”

Ford very graciously decides not to dwell on the “all the things I’ve done for you” bit and reopen that particular wound. Instead, he doffs his glasses, the better to massage his forehead.

“Oh, for the love of… We’re in our 60s, Stan.” He unfurls his arms on the table, palms upward. “What did you want me to do, honestly? You wanted me to sit you down and tell you about my crush like we’re still in high school?”

There’s something in the sincerity of his tone that throws Stan off kilter, disarms him.

“I’m not sayin’ that! I just— You’re makin’ it sound more unreasonable than it is! I’m still your twin and I thought you trusted me with this kinda thing.”

Ford pushes his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. He stares at a point just past Stan’s shoulder, mouth flattened into a line. “Oh, god,” he laments, as it dawns on him that the emotionally mature thing to do is to be vulnerable. He sighs, busying his hands by straightening all the papers on his desk. “It’s embarrassing. It was already embarrassing, don’t you see? And this just makes it so much worse.”

“What?” Stan pulls up a chair and sits across from his twin. “Sixer, come on. You think I came in here and brought this up just to laugh at you? I mean, don’t get me wrong, it is objectively very funny, hilarious even—” he grins in the face of Ford’s glare�� “but the last thing I’m gonna do is judge you. Between you and me, I think your relationship with that freaky triangle was more stable than anything I’ve ever had with any human.”

“Stable is not the word I would use to describe anything that went on in that shack in the 1980s.”

“Yeah, that just goes to show how low the bar is. Anyway, my point is, while I’m not gonna laugh at you, I definitely will still laugh.”

The scientist raises an unamused brow. “With me, you mean?”

“No, I’m just gonna laugh. Ha! Ha-ha!” Stan reaches across the desk to nudge Ford with his elbow. “Come on, it’s funny! You had a relationship with a triangle! Oh, the kids are gonna be so traumatized!”

“Wh- D- Stan, don’t tell them!”

“Why not? Dipper worships the ground you walk on. This won’t change anything for him. And Mabel… well, Mabel will laugh too actually. Very hard.” He brings a hand to his chin and narrows his eyes. “Or worse, she’ll start shipping you.”

“What does that even mean? She’s going to ship me? Where? How?”

“Uh, not important, and for all intents and purposes, I do not know what that word means either. Look, I’m just pulling your leg, Poindexter. I won’t tell them if you don’t want me to. It’s your business.”

“You honestly mean that?”

Stan sweeps an arm through the air with finality. “It’s your own business and nobody else’s. Look, I’m—” He finds himself rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry for pushing you about this. It’s not something you’d wanna look back on, I get it.”

“Oh.” Ford doesn’t really know what to do with that so he resumes straightening papers even though they’ve been straight for the past three minutes. “I’m not used to fights ending like this.”

“Yeah, me neither. It’s weird. It’s like we emotionally matured or something.”

“Something like that,” Ford agrees.

They lapse into awkward silence. That should've been the end of it, and yet.

“I guess I just don’t get it,” Stan admits.

“What don’t you understand, Stanley?”

“He’s a— Well, he’s a little two-dimensional, don’t you think?”

“It was an extremely intellectual affair, Stan. Physicality had very little to do with it.” Well, that isn’t entirely true but his brother doesn’t need to know about any of that.

“You know what, I’d believe that. I’m just having trouble envisioning what it… what it was like.”

“Why are you trying to envision that?”

“Because it’s weird, Ford! It’s weird and morbidly fascinating. It’s like a train wreck, I can’t look away.”

“Do you have any more questions? So that I can answer them and we can be done talking about this forever?”

“So you… you never… y'know…”

“No,” Ford says about five seconds too late. There’s heat rising to his cheeks and he smothers his face with his hands as Stan sits slack-jawed in abject horror.

“What? Wait, seriously? How did that even work?”

“Ask me something else.”

“Okay. For scientific purposes, hypothetically, in a hypothetical situation, how would a human with glasses and a triangular demon go about—”

“Oh, for God’s sake, Stan!”

“God had nothin’ to do with it, I know that much.” Stan leans back in his chair, then eyes Ford suspiciously. “Wait. He didn’t possess someone else, did he?”

“No!” Ford sounds genuinely horrified. “How depraved do you think I am? That would be tantamount to— I wouldn’t do that. Do you really think so lowly of me?”

“I mean, they could’ve consented beforehand anyway, right? That’s all I’m saying. Although, Sixer, I cannot stress this enough: You locked yourself in a cabin in the middle of Nowhere, Oregon and started drawing freaky symbols on the floor and communing with a literal demon. I think I’m allowed to be a little concerned.”

“Well– Sure, when you put it like that, it sounds more occult than scientific, but I can assure you my methodology was very sound.”

“Oh, okay, good. I’m glad your methodology was sound. That was the main thing I was worried about.”

“May I return to my cipher now?”

“Your Cipher, huh?”

Ford stares pointedly at his twin, trying to telepathically communicate how exhausting this conversation is.

“I just need to know how you did it. It’s gonna keep me up at night.”

“I fail to see how that’s my issue.”

“And then I’ll keep you up at night.”

“And then I’ll throw you overboard so that you can find that notebook you lost!”

“And then I’ll haunt you from the watery grave, you know I will. Besides, it’s laughable you think you could throw me overboard, Poindexter.”

“You really want to know?”

“For my own peace of mind, please.”

Ford sighs deeply, eyes shifting from wall to wall, as though afraid someone’s eavesdropping. Maybe he’s paranoid that a mermaid is listening in from outside. He gestures for Stan to lean in closer, cups his hands to his ear and whispers for a few seconds. Stan’s expression becomes unreadable.

“Oh. Wow. Creative. Okay. Welp. That answers that.” He claps his hands together as if to dispel dirt. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to have another one of those memory-wiping guns?”

[watchtheblog]

Cutting Slack

hello to the hierarchy of my besties: irl besties, internet besties, fantasy besties; the hierarchy of my haters: just the three of you, followed by someone who goes by the alias k.s on google reviews; an ever dwindling number of exes who can read, a handful of people i’m just getting to know who are about to know me too well too fast, and anyone else who has stumbled upon this highly specific page on the internet!!

if you’ve been here before, you know the deal. i’m going to weave a web of little jokes into a somewhat coherent story and then as a reward for knowing me you get the opportunity to see 20 things i hope to receive for my birthday, which, i hope you know… is tomorrow (26 september); i’m turning 94.

The joke web:

In february 2023 after the company I co-created sold to one of the corniest companies on the planet, I quit because they wanted me to set forth eight hours a day I would be available to do work. Seven years into a job I’d put 8 hours a year into, this was a startling task.

Also, they wanted me to become a member of slack, or get on slack, or write to them in slack. Or do something, whatever one does, on slack. You can do a lot of things to me, but what you’re not gonna do is make me go on slack. Many have tried in the past and not a one has ever succeeded.

Not to sound like Mark Cuban - or myself in [redacted] years -  but an 8 hour workday was not for me. And I explained this. I told a woman alleging to be my supervisor that every morning I woke up, I did cult for 20 minutes, wrote in my journal for 45 minutes, went for a 1 hour walk, came home, showered, drank a little poison, read for one hour in my garden, did some dilly dallying on the internet, and then I went to an appointment*, and by the time I was done with all of that it was already 4pm and that’s wind down time in my culture. 

Where did she want me to find 8 hours?!

(*i realize appointment time is not a thing (everyone can understand) but I’m gonna have to save it for another post. appointment time is sacred in a directionless little bug’s life and it deserves to be explained properly.)

If you think I’m joking that I laid out this schedule to a woman who was born inside a human resources complaint folder and whose dearly departed soul resides within a ludicrously capacious bag somewhere, I beg you to get to know me better.

Fundamentally, she did not understand and spiritually I was not the messenger to enlighten her, so I decided to quit.

I am impulsive by nature but this decision was incredibly thought out. I wrote down a list of pros and cons and I titled the cons list “things I’m not aligned with” and I listed 11 things.

“I dont want to be managed!!!!!!” (this is a literal copy and paste) topped the chart.

To follow? “Corporate weirdness”, and, simply: “Slack”.

On the pros list I wrote: “Freedom”, “I will finally be free”. (LOL!) Underneath it, it says “Take a fucking risk.”

I sat with these lists for approximately three minutes, and then I wrote an email announcing my resignation. And then I quite literally never spoke to anyone there ever again.

This all leads me to one short pivot before we’ll arrive at our final destination of my birthday list. 

When I mentioned earlier that I am impulsive by nature, I mean that I quit my job because someone said there was a question posed to me in Slack and I needed to answer it came to Ohio to visit my dad’s (RIP) childhood home and my (then) girlfriend convinced me to call the number on a commercial real estate building and within 45 days I’d signed a lease and 90 days later I had packed, driven, and moved my entire life across the country. 

When I moved here, I knew no one so I did a lot of things you may think only people who are on reality dating shows do, like: go to an espresso martini making class, cook marshmallows over an open fire in a state park at night with strangers, slide down a snowy hill on a plastic saucer as an activity, or attend a local rat’s birthday party.*

*disclaimer for anyone here who doesn’t GET me bc I’m scared to be misunderstood: i loved all of these things I’m not mocking them; I’m simply holding a light to the absurdity of my *on the spectrum, agoraphobic weirdo* ass doing these things in earnest because i needed to not kms. ◡̈  kms stands for k*ll myself.*

(Of course all of these things on a reality dating show would involve two people, whereas in my case I did all of those things alone.)

As a treat for my efforts to be a member of society, the universe provided me with the unique gift of meeting the anthropomorphic version of my intrusive thoughts!! 

We’ll call her Gloria (for no reason) and in our first phone conversation she had called everyone in the state of ohio “fat, lazy and bipolar” and told me my business would fail.

One minute after we hung up, she texted asking if I wanted to sauna with her right now. Now mind you, I’ve been doing shit “for the lore” since before it was called “lore” and men were just telling me I was insane (simpler times!!) so I grabbed a bikini and drove 9 minutes ready to go in a sauna with a random lady I’d never met.

And go in a sauna with a random lady I did... fully clothed for a reason that both confused and relieved me. In that sauna, Gloria repeated the aforementioned phone topics and added a pointed “nobody wants to work out; you will fail” while staring at me in a box heated to 130 degrees.

“It’s okay. Everything is always working out for me” I told her as she persisted in her negativity, because I lacked the ability to just tell her to shut the fuck up (and also because that is true). 

I considered the possibility of her behavior coming from a good intentioned place, like when cars driving the opposite direction flash their lights to let you know they just passed a cop (as if that ever hits). I considered it was an act of humanity, one unstable woman to another; trying to save me from the hell she thought was inevitable given her own - self proclaimed - “failure”. (she had opened and closed a studio of her own.)

So I let her keep flashing her dumb lights at me, showing up to my studio uninvited in the middle of my buildout telling me I should see if my landlord would let me out of my lease, texting me little foreboding horror stories about the perils of being in the fitness industry, sending me local businesses that were closing as if to say “i told you so; i’m warning you.”

“You’ll see” she said multiple times, as if to predict my ultimate demise in a way I’d be able to reflect on in the future, remembering she’d warned me. 

In those moments and in the months of desperation and grind leading up to the opening of my business I had no other choice but to move forward blindly, confidently. Long before I met this psychopath I had prepared for the possibility of failure. Unlike this woman, however, that preparation involved the potential of having to say “I failed… now what?” rather than “I failed. I’m the rule, not the exception. The journey is impossible.”

It’s been almost two years since I left the career I thought would define me, and while I certainly haven’t failed, I’m not writing this from the other side. I’m writing this from the beginning of a long journey I’m prepared and excited to be on that began the day I decided to take a fucking risk.

Two years ago I couldn’t find 8 hours a day to work and now somehow I’ve found 14-18…

and not a single one of them has been spent on slack. 

The Gift Portion!!!  the intangible: for the dismantling of nextdoor dot com, for all my bad memories to be erased, to win the war against seed oils, for the ai to stop(!!!), that the person who sullied my google reviews finds God and healing bc going against me is a form of psychosis, for great deals on this upcoming amazon prime day, that natalia grace is ok, that i never hear a telephone ring again, for watermelon to be in season all the time, that nobody is ever mad at me, that all eggs would turn to donuts in a way that would not have negative implications for chickens or negative repercussions for farmers, that everyone bounces back from whatever inevitable side effects ozempic will have, that my frequently used emoji are all safe and sound after getting rearranged, and for everyone I know and love to read the source by dr tara swart, and that they are all happy, healthy, successful, and in love forever.

the ones you can buy: these shoes (size 38)  or these shoes (size 38) also these (and you guessed it! 38) i want to fix my brain here, a casual five day immersive neurofeedback experience this watch this large suitcase or this one i cant pick this gorgeana kind of urgently, this these shoes (great deal alert!!!!) (size 38) i think the trajectory of my life would change if i owed four of these and maybe some other things to go with it big year for shoes … huge a stunning linen spray this practical thing her this or something else from her(e) these, white, small also kind of urgently, these this definitely the max mara teddy coat in the absolute smallest size and this is the last time I’m gonna put it here!!!!!! ykto!!! (lol!!)

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok just need to do some head/heart-clearing journaling below the cut.

i’m in my sixth month in this job and nothing has really gotten better. i spent the first couple months crying after work multiple times a week, including perhaps my lowest moment where i was so overcome by existential despair i felt myself starting to cry IN A MEETING and had to make up an excuse to gather myself off camera. the last few months have been a little better (the existential despair is humming along at bearable background levels!) but i still feel out of sorts, disconnected from myself, and just... listless.

here are the biggest issues:

not enough work. this is killing me. i don’t need to be working literally every second from 9-5 and i don’t miss the teacher lifestyle of grading all weekend, but goddd I need projects you know? i need short- and long-term projects. i need things i’m working on or goals i’m working towards. and i need that work to feel purposeful. not every task has to be imbued with Deep Meaning but i need to be doing more than sitting in a teams call watching my lead copy and paste text from an email onto a powerpoint for 45 minutes. i had that one big project that i got to project manage and collaborate with another team on and i REALLY enjoyed that even though i didn’t care at all about the content. i guess what i enjoyed was just like, that feeling of breaking a complex task up into smaller chunks and then make meaningful decisions about how to tackle different parts of it. and i really liked the team i was working with too and felt like i did a really good job building a positive working relationship with them & running some interference for them at a moment where our boss was really stressing them out. all of that was good! but that project is over now and my lead has been blocking me from taking on other projects like that for reasons unclear (i mean i have my theories but).

work is too solitary. i need like a 40% solitary 60% social balance in my work life. instead it’s like 90% solitary 10% social and most of my social contact is with a person who doesn’t listen to my ideas and at times is actively undermining me or taking credit for my work in front of others.

the way this organization thinks about learning is so, so flawed and so ineffective but my lead simply does not want to hear it and shuts down every effort i make to try to incorporate or introduce evidence-based methods into our work. everyone is really set on doing things the way they’ve always done them, largely i think because they have no real conception of how else things could look/feel/function or why that might be more effective. we’re supposed to be learning experts but the person right above me is so committed to managing our boss’s feelings that she never actually provides expertise.

i’m not gonna rehearse my litany of grievances against the person who manages my day to day work here but let’s just say i am at my breaking point!!!! it is so exhausting to be under the thumb of someone who needs total control over everything i do and who seems to be so insecure about their own role/expertise/whatever that they have to actively block me from taking on new projects or pursuing professional development opportunities or communicating with anyone else in the office or speaking in meetings. like literally i can’t speak in meetings because they will tell me to ‘let them handle it’ & won’t let me get a word in edgewise & then if i do speak they’ll interrupt or speak over me to clarify what i ‘really’ meant. also this person wronged me last week lol and i’m going to be a grownup about it but i am certainly not going to forget that it happened.

there are no signs of improvement on the horizon & no route to getting out from under from this person’s supervision. honestly this job would be Fine if this person would get out of my way and let me do my job. but they will not and the more i try to make this job useful/purposeful to myself the more they perceive me as a threat who must be neutralized, even if nothing i am doing is challenging their position at all. i think i have one nuclear option (lol) which is going to my contractor boss and saying that i’d like them to consider assigning me to a completely different office, like essentially creating the same position for me in a place where there currently isn’t an L&D team... and that could work because i think there’s need for that, but the person who currently supervises me would interpret this as a declaration of all-out war and if it didn’t pan out i would really fuck up my own working life there. so i am loath to try that unless things get a lot worse or until i have some other potential job prospects on the horizon.

here’s what’s “good” about the job: the money is stupid, there’s no commute, i can do the work with 95% of my brain tied behind my back, and my schedule is stupidly flexible.

people keep telling me that when i have a tiny shrieking infant living in my house i will wish i had a job that paid stupid money and required absolutely nothing from me. and i am sure that they are right in some ways! having an easy pointless well-compensated job would certainly relieve many financial and mental stressors! but also, as i’ve been thinking about the ways in which my life is likely to change, i also feel like... hmm. how to articulate this. my sense is that becoming a parent for the first time is a pretty intense crisis of the self moment, where the self you were and the life that self lived at least partially dissolve or are exploded or whatever and you find yourself in a new life structured by radically different routines and obligations and emotions. i know you can’t really prepare for that but maybe you can at least sort of start to mentally prepare the groundwork for: i’m not going to feel like my old self for a while, maybe for a very long time, and that’s going to be both exciting and profoundly destabilizing, in the way that huge life transformations or upheavals always are.

the problem is, i’ve already spent the past six months feeling disconnected from my sense of self, listless, unsure of my purpose, cognitively dulled, etc etc. i feel like i’ve tried to fill the void of meaning in my life with small, self-focused, kinda myopic activities that are “nice” and enjoyable but do not make me feel connected to any kind of purpose or meaning that transcends the self and its petty little concerns. i’ve obsessively focused on decorating my house. i’ve focused on food and cooking. i’ve focused on exercise and my weight and on buying a new wardrobe. like, don’t get me wrong, it’s really good for me to get enough exercise and learn how to cook good, nutritious food and create a home space that i love living in. but those activities, for me, are best when they’re kind of at the margins of my “real” life, a life of intellectual and interpersonal and professional purpose. it’s nice to cook a nice meal, but it’s much, much better (to me!) to spend the day absorbed in a big planning project or doing work with students and then come home and make a nice meal. i guess the simple way of putting it is: i’ve been nourishing my senses and that’s good, that’s important, but i gotta be nourishing my spirit too. i believe in the soul, you know? and i believe in the soul-expanding power of really meaningful work, really meaningful relationships. the power of a life that’s well & usefully & purposefully lived. and right now i just feel... idk. i feel cramped, listless, self-absorbed in my soul. and that feels so bad to me. that hurts me. it’s like this dull ache inside of me all the time that i try to soothe by buying more things or painting another wall or whatever.

and i guess like... i don’t want to bring new life into the world when i’m feeling like that. i don’t want to move directly from a period of feeling totally adrift and lost and disconnected from myself into a period of my life where i will maybe feel overwhelmed and terrified by new responsibility and adrift in a new way. i don’t want to have to do the work of rebuilding my sense of self twice over, you know? idk i’m not articulating this well i need to think about it a bit more i think. but i guess too like... i don’t want to raise a kid doing a job that kills my soul. i want to have a part of myself that feels like a writer or a thinker or a teacher, even if i am also a parent and have to find ways to integrate those different facets of myself. i want to be a parent very badly but i want to find a way to parent that feelis aligned with my values and ultimately, in the long run, makes me feel more like myself, even if that self undergoes many transformations in the process. IDK can’t untangle my own feelings here, not sure i am really managing to articulate what’s in my head/heart, but like.. i guess...

i don’t feel like me right now

i may be about to experience a crisis of the self (parenthood) that may make me feel very alien to myself in some ways 

i would like to embark on that journey of self-dissolution / self re-formation from a place of feeling really solid in myself, rather than from a place of feeling extremely adrift, unmoored, at sea. i want to feel like there’s a solid place .. not to return to exactly, but to find again or find in another way on the other side of the sleeplessness and the terror of being responsible for a small person and so on.

i also just want my kid to see me as someone who loves their work. not “work” in the capitalist sense but work in the life’s work sense. i think it is so deeply human, maybe the most deeply human thing of all, to crave purpose and to seek out purposeful work that makes us feel more like ourselves and more connected to the people around us. maybe not everyone feels that way! but i do! that’s an important thing to me! and i think it’s worth starting to take some big life re-evaluation steps now to bring myself closer to that way of living.

[addystuffs]

pspspspspsps (beckoning you to ramble about your OCs)

oh god sorry this took so long to answer i saw it in my inbox and wanted to draw smth for it but completely forgot about it

anyway i’ve decided not to draw anything and finally answer this laying here in bed at 10 o’clock at night

putting it all under the cut cuz this is gonna go on for a while

general tw!! some sensitive topics cuz this is oc lore and it must be as traumatic as possible

- sona/addy

she’s got interconnected lore w/ 2 other ocs, (which i have yet to make proper drawings of) rachel and dakota

she grew up in this hidden village of sorts, where people range from human mages with insane arcane powers to mythical beings who bake bread

anyway even though it’s forbidden she sneaks out but oh no oh dear she gets found by humans and gets taken to be studied or whatever

now we branch off into dakotas lore

- dakota

so they’ve lived in the lab place thing for their entire life cuz they were actually created there. the creation was flawed, so they have a bunch of black splotches on their body (usually only the one on their face is visible)

they are actually completely sex-less, the technology was not advanced enough to really give them a sex

they lived on their own most of the time, that was until addy came along. the two became fast friends.

they never were actually taught to speak or read or anything while there, so addy had to teach them a lot. even then, they were still mostly nonverbal

shenanigans occour, ur typical testing, observations, experiments, jerk scientists, all that jazz

eventually addy devised a plan to escape, but it kinda goes to shit, with a dakota getting severely injured. addy, fueled by her emotions, lets out a very powerful magic blast, and manages to escape before collapsing in an alley from overuse of magic abilities

this is where rachel comes in :)

- rachel

she literally grew up in a cult

as a mark of the cult, all members had a lock of their hair permanently dyed magenta

the cult was also very homophobic, and when her twin brother came out as trans, it sent the cult into madness

eventually it became too much for her brother, and he took his own life. this lead to her mom blaming her and uh it got pretty ugly

she eventually ran away and lived on the streets for a while

that was until she found two weird beings near the outside of her makeshift shelter :)

oh boy only 3 ocs in

next some rise ocs

- artemis

pancake tortoise, was originally a turtle at a pet store that ate an oozequito by accident

so they are just kinda chillin in alleys contemplating their new awareness when the turts stumble across her

long story short they eventually lead her to the hidden city and there they find a job at a florist and are from then on a casual ally of the turtles :)

- chilli

so she lives in the nexus hotel, she’s the daughter of that one fox yokai employee

that’s basically all i have for her lol

and finally, dnd ocs

- selineus

he is from a very silly campaign, so ima just copy paste the notes i have of his backstory here lol

uhhh so like selineus's parents got killed by a something or other when he was like 2 but it did give him a sick ass scar over his nose

so he was found by a group of traveling druids and they raised him and taught him to be a druid i guess (i dont know shit about druids)

ok so he was raised on the move so hes seeing the sights, keeping journals, all that jazz

so he eventually finds out these traveling druids are like a cult and they plan to sacrifice him to the sparkle god when he comes of age (18)

so he hatches a plan to not only escape but to gain the ultimate power of sparkles

he succeeds (he rolled a nat 20 fr)

so yeah now he has the ultimate power of sparkles and he roams the land, spreading his sparkles

then he ends up in new york after the animepocalypse and fights raccoons for a sandwich before finding a bunch of gay people and becoming the most based member of the party

just realized this will make little to no sense without some context from the campaign but y’all ain’t gettin any of that hehe

anyway next one that’s more serious

- athena

was part of a little elven society in the woods, living her best life with great parents and her girlfriend :)

until the fire nation attacked until her date was very rudely interrupted by forest creechurs who lay waste to the town, and she loses everything. she also earned a big ass scar on her face

now she is a cold, calculated mercenary/bounty hunter, with the only thing she has left from that village, her girlfriends faded red bandana, tied around her forearm.

lemme treat you to a sketchbook doodle :)

anyway i think that’s it!! this got way longer than i thought it would be, so thanks if you made it this far!

[frostbite-the-bat]

(copy pasted from discord dream journal)

I had a dream with many goofy shit but supposedly I still had school but i only?? Rarely went there I've been skipping bc I was thinking wow irl I haven't been there

Then I wake up at 10 and I go

OH NO I MISSED SCHOOL AGAIN oh lol

And I message molly and wishes like fellas I missed school but I don't care

Then we were like?? In lethal company with them and other ppl except it was way brighter and more modern and we just run across this one place and then cake???? starts running and yells SPIDEEEEER

and I run after her and I'm like WELP IIMMM Not gonna turn around 🤣🤣

Then later in a diff part of the dream we are camping and an ice cream truck stops by us and it plays the lethal company ice cream tune

And by the end it was raining so bad and I had the pov of this one girl 8 couldn't control anything I just watched and had separate thoughts

And she had a big duck plushie and she went on some travel ride and was monitoring like OH I MUST BE CAREFUL W THE RAIN GETTING IN OR THE DUCK WOULD SHRINK.. BUT. I TAKE GOOD CARE And was saying it like a TikTok voice over

And she looks just how much it's raining and it's like?? In my room

And she looks out and walks out and there's a 4 story bus falling over and so much more chaos happening and she's like I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE and tries climbing into a hole where her window would've been but AHH ITS FULL OF WATER NOW so she gets out and is?? On a little round island like very very tiny and she's like What IN steven Universe

And then she gets transported elsewhere??? I woke up shortly after??

Garnet was somewhere in the dream bc of the mention earlier??

I had a drama thing at school and I ran from a thing there????

I don't remember but i was at a Tesco but it was also a game with 1 guy hunting you but it was some incompetent kid and I had a weapon (gun) but I forgot to either cock it or get ammo and it shot nothing as I aimed my shot while running and I think it's over but the guy just grabs my shoulders and nothing happens so I run off and talk to my friends again like BRUH THIS HUNTER USELESS 😭😭

[fresh-static-snow]

Hi?

I don’t consider myself very good at writing but I’ve found that I enjoy journaling lately so I suppose I’ll just write something here instead for once.

I'm sitting here slouched in my chair listening to "A State of Trance 2014" through my Audeze LCD-2C's while sipping on Trader Joe's 2021 Vintage Spiced Ale. I don't even remember the last time I logged onto this site, and I don't know when I'll log on again after tonight. I only logged on today to reset my password as I was auditing all my current passwords and resetting them for more secure items. I used to spend hours on this site, but it hasn't even crossed my mind in years now.

I'm 28 now, still listening to electronic music (rave to the grave baybeeeee), got married, bought a house, got a dog, bought a new car, work full-time in IT, got super into coffee, and have gone off the deep end of headphones and in-ear monitors (IEMS if mentioned again after this). I proposed to my now-wife at Disneyland under the fireworks on New Year's 2020. Little did we know what was to come in regard to COVID. But before COVID could shut the world down here, we found a cute little condo and made an offer on it. Amazingly (especially if you know anything about the housing market in the state I live in), our offer was accepted. We closed on our condo the day before the lockdown order went into effect. We almost didn't get to close due to my wife being laid off the day before but the employment verification came through somehow. I vividly remember our realtor saying "they won't shut us down" too.

We didn't have a wedding, instead we eloped and got married on the beach in California. We did have a photographer and we got some amazing pictures from the time we were there. We also had my best friend play dual role and be the best man/maid of honor. Shoutout to him for being great for that. My wife wrote her vows on the order forms from the restaurant where we met 10 years ago now. She looked so incredibly beautiful; I'll never forget it.

The next thing that came was a tiny dog, and I mean tiny. Pumpkin was a whole two pounds (0.9kg) when we got her. She had no personality and was like a blank slate. Looking back, we probably should've waited the extra month to pick her up, but we were too excited to wait. That bit us in the butt as she proceeded to scream-cry all through the night. She got not one, but two ear infections in that first few months too. Now, she is a great dog, if a bit ornery. She likes to *grunt* at you when she wants something and will do so louder and louder until she either gets her way or we have to get up and tell her to "place" in her bed.

I won't go to in-depth on how I got into coffee, but in addition to a Ninja coffee maker, I now have a burr grinder, a Fellow Stagg Pourover X kit and an AeroPress. I did have a hand grinder, but returned it as it was just a bit too pricey to justify in the end. It's amazing how much better coffee tastes out of the Stagg or the AeroPress versus the standard coffee maker. There's so much more flavor nuance to them and there's huge differences between them in their own! I don't yet have a favorite bean that I consistently return to (probably because I love getting new flavors everytime), but I have noticed I tend to gravitate towards darker roasts. I love lighter roasts due to their fruity notes, but I also love the smooth notes of a dark roast.

This next section is a long one.

Headphones. Or head-poe-hon-ees as good ole DankPods would say. I've always loved music. The daily prompt for my journal app, DayOne, last night was even "What would your life be like without music?", so my entry was basically a tale of "I would rather die". Previous to 2020, I had a set of over-ear Sony CH-700N (so catchy) that had noise cancelling, Apple AirPods Pros, Beats Powerbeats Pro, and a pair of crappy Skullcandy buds in my desk. Some might ask "why have two pairs of wireless?" Well I used the Powerbeats for working out due to the over-the-ear hooks, and the AirPods Pro at the office with the transparency mode so I could hear my surroundings while still jamming. In late 2020, I bought a pair of Apple Airpods Max to replace my Sony's. While they were very pricey, I loved the noise cancelling as they were way better than the Sony's, and the transparency, as well as the sound of them. In fact, I still love them and use them whenever I travel. Dat sub-bass tho mmmmmm.

But in late 2021, I was getting more and more into wired audio again. I had purchased a pair of KZ ZSN Pro X IEMs for $20 (on the recommendation of everyone's favorite Aussie audio YouTuber), and a pair of Moondrop Aria's for $80. The Moondrop Aria's are highly praised in the IEM/audio community and with good reason. They sound incredibly good, especially for $80. Now, you might think "oh wow $80 is a bit pricey for wired headphones. I used to get Skullcandy's at the store for $20 and they sound good!" and if so, that's great! I'm happy you think so! But for me, I needed more. So I went down the rabbit hole of "over-ear headphones". Both open-backed and closed back. For those who don't know, most consumer headphones (think Bose, Beats, Sony, etc.) are closed-back. This means the "cups" are closed on the outside. Sound doesn't pass through them and they provide a layer of passive noise cancellation. Open-back are what they say on the tin. Noise passes right through the cups. This goes both ways though; people can hear what you're listening to and you can hear the outside world. Now the benefits of open-back are the "Soundstage". or how wide the music feels and the ability to "place" instruments in the audio stage that you can hear. It's a bit hard to explain. I ended up getting six pairs of headphones from Amazon to test out and choose from. The pairs I got were the Hifiman Sundara, Hifiman Ananda, Audeze LCD-2C, Audeze LCD-X, Audeze LCD-2C Closed, and Audeze LCD-XC (X closed). If you look these up on Amazon, you'll see they range in price from $300 (Sundara) up to $1299 (LCD-XC). After a long time listening, I slowly eliminated the Sundara, 2C, and Ananda. I honestly had a hard time choosing between the X, XC, and 2C Closed. In the end, I chose the LCD-2C Closed as I prefer the closed-back nature of these cans. I loved the XC as a 2nd choice, but the price jump between the 2C and XC was just too great to justify the difference in quality. I also ended up with a Qudelix 5k amp/dac/bt receiver after much testing there.

But the headphone journey doesn't end there...I mentioned IEMs earlier and now we're coming back to that. After getting the Aria's and LCD-2C Closed headphones, I noticed that the left bud of the Aria never seemed to feel secure unless I was sitting still at my desk. So I looked into eartips and other options, but ended up ordering a pair of FiiO FH3's. These come with what's called an MMCX (micro miniature coaxial) connector to the IEMs, which can swivel. These felt much more secure in my ear, though I did not 100% enjoy the sound signature and clarity of these buds. So I returned them and picked up a pair of the then hype-train-riding 7hz Timeless. God they are amazing. I love them for the sub-bass, tonality, resolution and clarity they bring to the music. But they still feel a bit insecure! So my most recent purchase was a pair of Moondrop Blessing 2's. These have been on my list for a "long" while now, but the price always held me back. After getting the pair in, I'm almost mad I didn't get them sooner. I quickly then ordered a pair of Moondrop Blessing 2: Dusk's. "Buy Dusk" as the popular IEM reviewer Crinacle says. The Dusk just adds a bit to the bass and that's really all the Blessing 2 needs. I'm hoping to have those in soon, but in the meantime, I'm greatly enjoying the B2.

I did mention I got super into headphones above, right?

Anyways, I've finished my beer and I've been writing this for over an hour. If you read this all the way to this point, you're awesome. If you skipped here to the end for a TLDR: hi :)

Til next time.

Daniel (Fresh-Static-Snow)

P.S. I covered my PR tattoo lol

[raineydays411]

Mission In Progress

Steve Rogers x daughter!reader

Summary: Steve realizes that his past behavior may have cost him the love of his daughter.

A/n: Hello! This is the second part to my Steve Rogers series! I hope you like it and also I hope y’all get the little references I put in these lol💕

Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean Natasha taught you?”

Oh shit.

That was the collective thought between you, Nat, Clint, and Tony. It was well known among the team that Steve didn’t want his daughter learning ANY form of self defense, but those four thought that was ridiculous. She was Captain America's daughter, she definitely would need to fight off an enemy sooner or later.

“well...nat taught me the basics on how to defend myself, she said it would come in handy someday.” You say quietly, picking the thread on your sleeve rather than looking at your father.

“Romanoff, you taught her how to fight?” Steve said, fury bleeding into his eyes. “I made it perfectly clear--”

“Steve, its unreasonable for her not to know how to fight, she's the daughter of one of the worlds greatest defenders. If she doesn’t fight, she’s dead.”, Natasha said bluntly, staring Steve in the face as the other Avengers grew uncomfortable.

“She’s perfectly fine, it’s not like she leaves the Tower anyway.”

“Because if she did, you’d have someone follow her. It’s creepy, man”  Tony butts in with a roll of his eyes. By now both Bruce and Thor had silently left the room, as both of them would be useless in this conversation.

“Oh, so Tony Stark is gonna teach me how to raise a kid? Isn’t that ironic.”

“It’s not like you’re doing any better on your own. All Y/n does is stay in her room and write in that book of hers, she doesn’t even talk to people her own age.”

“It’s safer that way and you all know it” Steve snaps, refusing to even look your way. “ I set those rules for a reason, and I don’t appreciate my team mate or friends going behind my back and breaking them.”

“Look, Steve we love you, but the way you’re going about this whole parenting situation is completely wrong.” Clint finally says. “ I get that you were thrusted into this role, we all do. But man, you can protect Y/n from everything and it’s not healthy for her to be locked away in the tower like--”

“Like some modern day Rapunzel” 

“Thank you, Tony.”

“You all know the reason why she’s not allowed to leave. Its just safer that way.” Steve says, expecting the conversation to be over. “ Now, we’ll talk about this when we get back to --”

“You don’t lock me away for my protection” You say looking up with a determined face. Steve, obviously stunned you called him out like that turned to you and said

“ Excuse me?” 

“ It was never about me. If you wanted me to be safe, you would have taught me how to defend myself as soon as you could. You would have told the world about me, just to make sure everyone knows not to mess with me.” You say, your brow furrowed. “ You say its for safety, but who’s safety is it really for?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Steve says in a low, slow tone. 

“Everytime I come in a room, you tense up like I’m going to attack you.” You start to say, realizing that once you reveal what you noticed, things will never be the same. “ You monitor everything I do. You never allow me to be alone. You don’t talk to be about missions and don’t allow anyone else to.” You stand up off the couch. “ You refuse to acknowledge my mother, and won’t even let read the journal she left me.”

“That’s enough Y/n”

“No!” You shout. “ It’s not fair I don’t understand why you treat me like this.” Steve looks at you in surprise. 

“ Y/n, you don’t understand.”

“ I do. You don’t trust me.” You finally say. “ You haven’t from day one, and I don’t know why. It's not like a six year old is a Hydra agent by disguise.” 

Hearing this Steve freezes. He knows that all this surveillance was unnecessary. And deep down he knew that you could never hurt not even a fly. but that tiny voice in his head got the best of him. And even though he grew to love you more than he’d like to admit, the thought of you being am enemy scared him. 

“ You are a threat.” Steve says stubbornly. “ You came out of nowhere, with nothing but a note in the middle of the night. Your mother is nowhere to be found, and I have no idea who to even look for. You look nothing like me and defiantly don’t act like me.” 

Hearing these words is like a knife being repeatedly stabbed in your heart. It’s one thing to think that your dad doesn’t love you, it's another to hear them directly from his mouth. 

“ I have done nothing for you to treat me like this. I have done nothing to lose your trust. I didn’t ask for my mother to leave me here with you. It’s not my fault.” You say, tears starting to well up in your eyes. “ That robot asked me to go with him you know?”

The whole room freezes. You never mentioned that when Clint picked you up from the Tower.

“ He asked me to go with him, because he said I had no one. I had nothing to loose. And now” You let tears run down your face. “ Now that I know he’s right, I still wouldn’t go with him. Because I would NEVER want someone to get hurt because of me.” And with that you pushed past the group of superheros and ran outside. You didn’t know where you were going, but you had to get out of that house.

You walk into town and into a bookshop that was surprisingly open at this hour. The clerk looked at you in annoyance as you wandered the isles quietly. Picking up a copy of Romeo and Juliet, you walk toward the counter to pay.

“Tch, Romeo and Juliet?” The cashier says

“What about it?” you ask, puzzled that he cared enough to mention it. 

“Nothing if you’re thirteen and never had a boyfriend.”

“Oh really?” You say, eyes lighting up at the chance to talk to someone your own age without the gaze of an agent boring into your back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, there was a tense silence in the house. Steve left with the words you told him rattling in his brain. 

“You know, Y/n always used to come to me for help picking out the perfect father's day gift for you.” Clint said breaking the silence in the room. “ She insisted we wake up hours before you to go to the shops just to surprise you. She loved wrapping the gift and the thought of making you happy.” He smiled bitterly. “ I loved every second of it, watching her reminded me of my own family. It broke my heart to see her little face deflate when you barely acknowledged the gift and treated it like it was a bomb or something.” He shakes his head and walks out. Natasha follows him and says ‘ Its late, it's not safe for her to be out there alone, I’m going to look for her.”. Then she’s gone. Leaving only Tony and Steve in the living room. It’s quiet for a few minutes. They can hear Clint playing with his children, Lila laughing as Cooper and Clint chase her. 

“ You know, all my life I had to wonder if my dad loved me too.” Tony said suddenly. “ I guess that’s why I got along with Y/n so well.”

Steve sat on the couch and sighed. “ I guess I could’ve approached this differently.”

“That's your problem Rogers, you treat her like a mission. She’s a kid. Even I know that you can’t raise a kid that way.”

Steve exhaled through his nose. “So, what do you think I should do?”  

Tony rolled his eyes again.” Well for one, you can go look for your fourteen year old daughter who ran out in the middle of the night in an area she doesn’t know.”

Steve's eyes widened and he shot up, “ Shit, I- I have to go find her.” and with that he ran out of the living room, leaving Tony alone as he heard him shout 

“Language!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It didn’t take long for Steve to get into town. The only problem he really faced was figuring out where you might be. Almost everything was closed except for a liquor store and some bars. He started to panic, as he started to think about the possibility of you being hurt or kidnapped or--

“Hey bomb pop, over here” someone whispers

Steve looks around to see Natasha standing in front of a bookshop. He jogs up to her and asks

“Nat what are you--” “SHHH, look” she points into the window.

At first Steve didn’t know what he was looking at. All he saw was two kids flirting on some bean bags. But then he looked closer and realized that was his kid flirting on some bean bags. He got ready to burst in there and drag her out, which surprised him.

“What are you doing” Natasha harshly whispered, “This is the first time in years y/n has talked to someone her age, and I will NOT let you ruin it.”

“But does it have to be a boy” Steve whines, then he shrinks back as Nat glares at him. 

“You have no right to play protective daddy right now, you--”

“Dad? Nat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been about an hour since you started talking to Levi, the cashier. Even though he insulted your book choice

“It’s a play about two bratty kids who think they’re in love and then kill themselves, its pathetic”

He’s interesting. He has this harsh exterior that is refreshing to you. You liked that he didn’t handle you with kids gloves like the rest of the Avengers did. He let you stay behind after closing as long as you helped him clean, but you didn’t last long because apparently you “cleaned like a blind person with no hands” whatever that means. After cleaning you two sat and talked about music and his friends. It was nice. That was until you felt eyes on you.

Looking out the window you noticed two figures staring at you. One petite red head and a tall blonde to be more specific. Rolling your eyes, you say goodbye to Levi and thank him for one of the best nights you’ve had in a while. As you left he did something that surprised you.

“Hey brat, here’s my number.” He says as he gives you an old receipt, “ Don’t expect me to text you all night, I have a life too.” 

You just smile and say thank you, blushing as you realize this was your first friend in years. You put the number in your pocket and walk outside. 

“Dad? Nat?” You ask, cutting their little squabbling short. “What are you two doing here?” 

Nat and Steve stand up straight. 

“It was getting late and I was worried so I came to find you” Natasha said, “ But it seems to me that you were quite alright in there” She finishes with a smirk. You blush as you try to think of a retort. Before you say anything, you hear your dad clear his throat. You roll your eyes.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t getting intel on how to kill you or whatever you think what will happen if i make friends.” You again push past the two avengers, your good mood spoiled as you walk away. You hear some harsh whispering then your name is called. 

“Y/n” your father calls, “I think we need to talk.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: @angeldreineedshelp @night-thinqer @ilyimagines @vxidsti1es @big-galaxy-chaos

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

Letter to my younger self

Dear Myself,

It's been a while since you've been on Tumblr. Years actually. I just want to make you know some things that happened in your life, 'cause after finding again your credential to tumblr and after reading some of our post of 5 years ago I felt the need to write this letter to you.

I cried reading those post. I felt pain, a new kind of pain.

I remember very well how it used to feel when depression and anxiety and selfharm were such a big part of our life. Yes, I used the past sense. Let me tell you some things that happened in last few years.

You kept on going to therapy but eventually on 2020 you stopped 'cause your salary got littler. What happened to the job at the hotel in the office? Well, they changed position for you from reservation clerk to receptionist on night shifts of 12 hours. Oh and all of that 'cause at the beginning of 2020 a pandemic started. Yeah, hard to believe...right?

In the mean time three important things happened: -your roomates left to go back to italy. -you moved in another house where another friend was living and you had a good time with him. -You adopted a cat, excluding out the idea to go back to therapy. But yes, you adopted a little cute black kitten and his name is Angel.

You changed house twice more before quitting your job and Malta and going back to Italy with that friend.

in 2021 you moved to Messina and you found a flat with your best friend and with Angel and also her cat. You started University again! You started studying for a postgraduate degree in journalism.

You found another job and it helped you financially (you started therapy again) for 10 months so you studied and worked for 10 months on your own. (After getting fired you had to give up on therapy one more time).

You got fired last march moved back to your hometown living with your toxic parents ( who gots worse somehow with all that disinformations on vaccines during Covid-19 and p.s they still don't know you are fully vaccineted lol).

Right now you're focusing all your energy on studying journalism.

I have to say that it's been tough. You're gonna still face toughs times. New depressive episodes, new panick attacks for all different reasons and yes, you will relapse on self harm too from time to time. You will lose friends, some forever, some you will find them back. You will lose to death a few others important people too during 2021 . You will try to see Green Day again but, for the first time ever, you will give up on them selling your ticket. 'cause of financial problems.

But... in all honesty, those money you spent on yourself in therapy both in Malta and Messina, were the best spent ever. That and deciding to adopt a kitty, which is now your main reason to live.

You will find new friends, you will learn from your mistakes, you will smile more, laugh more, enjoy life more and thinkin lesser and lesser about depression and ending your life. You will fall in love more with life day by day. So.. it DOES get better.

You're not healed. I think we can never be completaly healed when it's about a mental disorder but you know now how to copy with it better. It's still a struggle and it's hard and we're are a work in progress and that's okay. You will learn how to be kinder to yourself.

You will fall in love with new songs, new series and you will never stop writing and actually you will open an instagram account (@writishpenlife) where you're gonna share your new poems. Writing will always be the solutions for you and that's never gonna change.

Dear younger self, I'm so happy you didn't give up on your wrost moments and I was there, I know how tempted you were. I know how dark and scary was that place we were in and sometimes I'm so scared to go back in there but then I think that if we did it once, twice, we can do it a third time till forever and ever.

The future is still uncertain and I must confess, I still have no idea what our dream job will be and I confess that I'm going where my heart is taking us to. I'm taking life day by day and right now it is working. I want us to be happy. So, I don't know where our future self will be but I'm sure it will be somewhere happy. Maybe... to that place we will call home with our little kitten. (Which by the way...he's now two years old, can you believe that?? Time pass freaking fast).

Thank you once again for not giving up on life.

With love,

your future self.

[ttuesday]

Just had to show u this

Fandom!Arthur: small vocabulary, leans to an ableist interpretation of himbo as mentally lacking, and not well-read

canon!Arthur: actually has a wide vocabulary (for instance referring to themselves as vagrants when antagonizing Hosea and writes eloquent prose in his journal), makes classical references like ‘would-be Icarus’ despite never having gone to school, the only 2 books he owns by his bed at the start of the game is  WORK OF NATURAL HISTORY and work on PLANTS AND FUNGI, knows how to cauterize a wound using fire, metal, and gun powder…

Turns out you are one of few people who actually understand that HE'S NOT STUPID LIKE FANDOM SAYS. like 😭 why do ppl do this

Oh my god I won’t lie, I got scared when I was reading this cause I thought you were gonna say I write Arthur terribly but THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

The relief I feel right now lol! Wish I knew who you were anon so I could give you a virtual hug but either way I really appreciate your kind words ;-;

I’m sure I’ve said this before but I stress so goddamn much about trying to make the gang as accurate as possible. The amount of camp interaction videos I have saved on YouTube that I rewatch again and again for their mannerisms and vocabulary is a little bit unhinged but it’s something I always want to try and get right lmao! <3

Credit -> the original post anon is talking about and has presumably copied and pasted is from @arthurmorganwateringhole

[mikk1n]

I just realized I forgot to send you an ask, I'm sorry!!!! (And I hope you feel better soon :'))

Free pass to talk about Soap!!

BARK BARK WOOF WOOF BARK (<- me when Soap is mentioned in the vicinity)

I don't even know where to start tbh. I love him a lot. He's my discord kitten. My poor little meow meow. My war criminal. My fucking cinnamon apple-

Okay I've come back to this ask after fielding opinions from my friends and partners:

So I guess this is what I'll go with!

This is gonna be long so I'll stick it all under a readmore (when I archive this post later I'll copy/paste the contents so they're preserved)

I project on Soap Hardcore, so I ran with his journal sketches and decided that he's a creative at heart! I likes to draw and paint, both digitally and traditionally (though he prefers traditional art since it's how he learned, and he likes the tactile stimulation of working with traditional materials like paints, pastels, etc.) He also plays the guitar and sings, though I feel like outside of Apoptosis he'd be really shy about his musical hobbies, especially singing.

I feel like he'd be kind of sporty too, though not really into competing; he takes part in stuff like swimming and football (soccer lol) just to enjoy them and get himself moving. I feel like he's a total fucking gym rat tho, either that or he invests in equipment so he can work out at home. Either way he exercises pretty much all the time; his free time is split between painting, singing, and throwing weights around.

I'm kind of torn on whether or not he'd be into airsoft. I'm leaning toward no, at least in canonverse, unless he's playing with people who are also in the military. I feel like he'd also be torn over it; it's a fun hobby he can take part in with his friends where no one dies and he gets to go shooty shooty, but after seeing actual combat, and war? It could get too much for him very quick. (And he might have weird feelings about playing with civilians, especially the ones who lowkey fetishize the military and go all out with tacticool gear. I don't think he'd hate or dislike them though, if that makes sense.).

In most of my AUs and in canonverse, Soap's ideal life is one where he can just...live unbothered. He can paint and make music and shoot the shit with his friends as much as he wants, without having to worry about the pressure of his fucked up family dynamic or the military. One where he has the space to heal from his trauma and actually grow into the person he wants to be. Money would be nice too, but he doesn't want to be super rich or have a lot of material items (though he does fantasize about it sometimes). Just enough to live quietly and comfortably, preferably with a lifelong companion (because he's a hopeless romantic at heart). Maybe a cat too.

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[kikisdeliveryservices]

When you get this, you must publicly post something nice about at least 5 different people you follow, then copy and paste this in each of their ask boxes :^)

i also got this from @katsukes so im gonna include wat wouldve been my responses in this too! 

also theres a strong possibility ppl have already received this message in their inboxes bc every1 is wonderful

@celiabowens - first, TY SO MUCH! truly its an honor to get this from u! can i also take a moment to hype u up w/ how talented & sweet u r? its such a treat to have u on my dashboard! ur a huge inspiration and hopefully i can get to ur level someday hahaha. im also really happy to follow u bc im trying to get back into reading & ik that ur into literature so i get to have a bunch of reading recs. plus seeing ur lit posts motivate me to expand my tastes & get back into reading :)

@katsukes - ian where do i even start! u interact w so many ppl & make this website really fun to be on. u reach out to a lot of ppl & spread much needed kindness. i feel like u put in a lot of effort to make every1 feel welcomed, which is so appreciated. the content u make for so many fandoms as well is stunning! u truly do a lot for tons of fandoms & i think were pretty blessed to have u on this site

@whisperhearts - ur really kind & a positive person, to the point where it compelled me to start interacting with ppl more on tumblr to try to also bring some kindness on this site. i also really admire ur gfx too bc of the way u use typography! aesthetic is A++. u also inspired me to try bullet journaling & actually keep up w/ it for once in my life lmao

@queerbucky - u help me bring out my creativity & motivation to make gifs! u always makes requests & im so happy to make them for u. as a content creator, when some1 does this it makes u feel special. i really appreciate u & how kind u r!

@wuatsui - since i came back to tumblr, ur some1 who made me feel really welcomed. i iniatially followed u on my anime blog, where u tagged me in a lot of get to know u posts. prior to this i rarely interacted with ppl, so having u wanting to get to know me felt nice! ur content & gifs r also A+! i especially like ur naruto gifs & seeing them on my dash is part of the reason why i started rewatching it :)

@mafuyuh - u have a really warm aesthetic & personality. i super enjoy seeing u interact with others bc ur so approachable. ur also very creative & everything u put out is honestly amazing & breathtaking. i would never in a million years think up the things u do! seeing u in my notifications is always a treat!

@zuura - ur someone who i followed on the more recent side, & i sorely regret not doing it earlier! when i see u reblogging things, u always have something positive to say. the world could really benefit from more ppl like u! also ur colorings r AMAZING. i feel like theyre always glowing & vibrant! 

@arriettvs - ur a very sweet person! although we havent interacted extensively i feel like were kindred spirits :) ur content is remarkable. genuinely, i love seeing how u use typography in ur gfx & i love seeing the pretty colors u bring out in all ur gifs. u also follow all of my blogs which is extremely kind of u. also i hope this isnt weird but ur 1 of the few active followers on my photo blog so i try to reblog stuff i think u would like as well LOL

@yuuki-ko - ur work is super recognizable & i can tell whenever i c ur gifs on my dash. theyre always vibrant & stand out. also ik a lot of my mutuals follow u too & i can see why! u respond to every1 w such kindness! lastly, i love reading ur comments in the tags bc u seem so excited w/ a lot of stuff & it also makes me feel excited hahaha

@manganimae - first of all, ur URL is SO perfect & fun! my other social media usernames r also puns off of my name so when i first followed u & took a look at ur about i instantly fell in love w ur URL hahaha. i think ur also super creative to incorporate manga panels + gifs in ur edits :) additionally, its super fun to see wat new things u come up with! all ur ghibli gifs r so fun bc u color them in ways that i dont think ive ever seen before

@kiyomie - ur work amazes me every time i see it. u managed to create a look in all of ur edits thats specific to u, & thats a massive feat that i think is very hard to do, especially across different fandoms. ik that anon also sent u an accusatory message not too long ago, but i think u handled it very gracefully too, which i think is a huge comment on how mature & kind u r!

[drawlfoy]

Drawn to You (cheesy but i refuse to change it)

masterlist request guidelines requests are open!

pairing: draco x ravenclaw!reader (finally! my first ravenclaw reader!)

request: yes! i’m pairing two together, kind of...if you requested the draco x ravenclaw reader without any other plot specifications other than him being jealous, this one is kind of for you. i didn’t know how to fit the jealousy part in, but you sounded thrilled to have anything ravenclaw and this was next on my list and i didn’t know what to write since i had no other plot points. also...the person who sent this request in, this is for you as well! it’s getting out much sooner than expected, but that’s just because i’m combining.

summary: draco notices a ravenclaw girl doodling him in class and decides to confront her.

warnings: none! just sweet fluff, maybe some cursing.

a/n: oof i’m so sorry for not posting anything for a while! i’ve been going through a rough introspective moment in my life when it comes to my relationship and i feel like i’m on the verge of a breakup and i just kinda feel shitty, so that’s why i’m not writing as much as i should be. i’ll be okay, though, i have no doubt about it. if you have words of wisdom i’m all ears haha. also shoutout to my laptop for deleting the draft of this and making me rewrite the whole thing LOL

music recs: orpheus under the influence from the buttertones

word count: 1,812

taglist: @accio-rogers

Umbridge was a horrible teacher, even when she wasn’t acting bigoted and racist. Her classroom was so soulsuckingly boring that even her Slytherin pets found themselves tired of it. 

So, naturally, as Umbridge instructed the students to copy down a passage from their blasted textbook three times, Draco Malfoy couldn’t help but let his eyes wander across the room.

He was always an efficient writer and made quick work of the task, but as he scanned the room, he found that no one else was in the same boat as he was. He ran his fingers through his hair, already drafting the letter that he’d send his father when he got back to the dorms about how Umbridge sucked the life out of every class and that the ministry ought to do something about it. His father would find something to do to make her treat students, or at the very least, Slytherin students, better.

The back of his neck tingled, like someone was watching him. Draco’s eyes shot around the room, trying to see if another pair of eyes were trained on him. 

There. 

It was a brief moment, but he had seen a girl with Y/H/C hair duck her head down at the table by the door. Looking closer, he could see a blue and bronze tie around her neck. The girl was wearing her uniform, but it looked slightly tampered with--a brooch and a flower were attached to her lapels and a midnight blue scrunchie resided on her wrist. 

Ah, he knew who it was. He had never spoken directly to Y/N Y/L/N before (he was never close to any Ravenclaws), but he often saw her floating through the halls, conversing quietly but passionately with her friends at meals, and curled intently over what he thought was a journal in the library. She had a slightly dreamy vibe, but not in the loony Luna fashion...it just seemed as though she looked at everything around her through a different, more delicate lens.

Draco knew he needed to stop observing her like a creep, but there was something off about the Ravenclaw. She was intently focusing on a piece of parchment in front of her, but her textbook was forgotten and pushed off to the side.

She swiftly glanced up again, meeting his eyes and freezing for a moment. A soft rose began blooming on her cheeks as she tried to nonchalantly scan the room, pretending like she wasn’t just looking at him. After she seemed satisfied, she ducked back down to whatever she was working on.

Then it hit him. Her hand was moving in methodical but varied strokes and she often spun the parchment to regard it at a new angle. Draco realized that she wasn’t writing--no, she was drawing something. 

He leaned forward in his chair, attempting to catch a glimpse of the picture. His tries were in vain, however, as he was much too far away to make out anything.

Draco was overtaken by an intense curiosity to know what she was drawing, and in typical Slytherin fashion, he had a plan. 

Raising his hand, he asked Umbridge if he could go to the loo. She quickly granted permission--he was one of her favorite students, after all. 

He rose up from his chair, carefully maneuvering his path so he would be forced to walk past Y/N’s table to get to the door. The girl was so engrossed in her work that she didn’t even hear him approaching.

However, once he saw what she was drawing, his previous swagger and slyness crawled into a hole and died, instead leaving him frozen with shock.

Y/N’s careful hand was meticulously adding eyelashes to a sketch of him leaning over his own textbook and writing, as he had been doing just minutes before. Picture Draco’s eyes were narrowed in gentle concentration, her handiwork capturing the intelligent glimmer in his eyes just perfectly. A piece of hair hung over his forehead, just barely tickling his brow. 

Suddenly self conscious, Draco reached his hand up to feel his forehead, and sure enough, a stray hair lay there. 

She had done a really good job. It was almost as if she had taken a picture and pressed it into the parchment, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

The sudden rustling of his robes jolted Y/N out of her trance, and just as she was beginning to look up at Draco, he bolted off, his mind racing even faster than his feet.

♥♥♥♥

“You’ve got an admirer, Y/N!” Melanie, a fellow Ravenclaw, giggled into her ear. 

“Huh!” Y/N responded, looking up from her dinner plate.

“Yeah, look over at the Slytherin table, you’ll see.” The blonde shoved her shoulder playfully, motioning with her head. 

Y/N raked her eyes up and down the table, not seeing anyone in particular, until she stopped at the very end of it. 

Draco Malfoy’s eyes were unnervingly bore into hers from across the hall, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

“Are you sure he’s admiring me, Melanie?” Y/N quipped, nervous amusement creeping into her tone. “He looks like he’s going to skin me alive instead.”

Melanie shrugged, spearing a roasted carrot on her fork. 

“You never know with those Slytherins. They’re so unpredictable. One day they’re all over you, the next...” Melanie sighed, and Y/N had a feeling that her friend was no longer offering advice, rather sharing her own personal experience with one Pansy Parkinson. 

“I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve to be treated like that,” Y/N comforted, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You’re more than someone to experiment around with, and you’re gonna find your person one day!” 

They were silent for a few moments.

“Speaking of finding people,” Melanie said, “Where did Draco go?”

Y/N looked over to where he had been sitting moments before, only to see his seat vacant. The Slytherin table looked oddly empty without their token head of silvery blonde hair. 

She only had a few moments to wonder before a throat cleared behind her. Spinning around, Y/N was greeted with the sight of a rather flustered looking Draco Malfoy.

“Er... hey, Malfoy, can I help you?” Y/N cringed at how professional she sounded, like a saleswoman welcoming him into a store.

He cleared his throat again. 

“Yeah, can I talk to you for a second?” He stayed stationary, his eyes flickering nervously and refusing to meet hers. “Alone, if that’s alright?”

Y/N shot Melanie a what the fuck look and received an identical one back before standing up. 

“Sure, where do you want to go?”

♥♥♥♥

Y/N followed the Slytherin out of the Great Hall and to a quiet corridor, all the while wondering what was wrong. Draco had never spoken directly to her, and while she’d always admired him from afar, she never imagined them having a conversation. Maybe he had seen her drawing him?

She pushed the thought away. There was no chance.

“Let’s sit here.” Draco’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts as he motioned to an empty staircase. 

They sat down, leaving a healthy few inches between them. Draco fiddled with his robes as Y/N picked at her fingernail polish, justifying her actions by reminding herself that they were chipped anyways.

“What’s up?” Y/N finally asked, breaking the awkward silence. 

“Well, I, er, noticed something in class today that I wanted to speak to you about,” Draco said. 

Were his hands shaking?

Y/N had no more time to wonder as the truth of the matter hit her. Of course he had seen the sketch of him in DADA. She had thought she was sly about it, but there was no other reason for him to be talking to her.

Recognizing the realization displayed on her face, Draco leaned a bit closer.

“It was a beautiful drawing, by the way,” he informed her softly. “But I’m sure you already knew that.” 

“I’m sorry,” Y/N blurted. “I know that I should’ve asked first. That was super creepy of me to do. I swear I’m not some sort of stalker...her class is just so--”

“Boring?” Draco cut in, one eyebrow raising in amusement. “Yeah, I know. And it’s alright...I just want to know why you did it.”

Y/N froze, another blush creeping up on her already hot cheeks.

“I don’t know, I was bored, and you were in good lighting,” she lied, hoping he wouldn’t notice. 

“Why didn’t you sketch Goyle or Crabbe? They were next to the window with me,” Draco pushed, bumping her shoulder and making her suck in a quick breath. 

“I...er....I just do whatever my inner artist desires,” she responded lamely. “You just looked so focused, and your hair is really fun to draw, so...”

She stopped herself before she could let anything else slip out.

“Oh, so you’ve done it before?” he teased, an infuriatingly calm smirk forming on his lips. 

“None of your business,” she grumbled, breaking the eye contact and scooting away from him.

Draco waited a few painful seconds before shifting the same distance closer to her. 

“I don’t want to upset you,” he said truthfully. “I honestly think it’s cute.”

Y/N blushed again, resting her face in her hand to try and hide the evidence. 

“You don’t think it’s creepy?”  she asked, cautiously meeting his eyes. 

“No, how could I?” he answered, mirroring her actions. “I’m flattered, truly.” 

She allowed herself to smile shyly at him.

“Thank you for understanding, Draco, I appreciate it.” She let the words hang out in the air for a few moments before finishing. “I should really head back to my friends though, they’re going to start to get worried.” 

Draco smiled too, a rare break from his snarky facial expressions. Y/N made a mental note to recreate the exact scene in her sketchbook as well. 

“I know, me being a Slytherin and all,” he agreed. “Your friends are probably seconds away from telling Dumbledore that you’ve been kidnapped and murdered.”

“We really don’t think you’re that bad,” Y/N soothed. “They’d only assume kidnapping. They don’t think you’re cut out for murder.” 

Draco looked like he was about to argue, but he shut his mouth and grinned. 

“Well, Y/N, I’m glad I got to finally talk to you,” he said as he stood up, offering his hand to her.

“Me too,” she admitted, taking his hand. “I’ve got to be off now, but if you’d like, I can give you the sketch.” 

Draco was positively glowing. 

“I would say yes,” he began, “but then I’d lose my excuse to talk to you.”

Y/N’s heart stopped. She would’ve clasped her hands together as an anxious movement if she wasn’t clutching one of Draco’s.

“So what do you propose then?” she pressed, only stumbling over her words a little bit. 

“I hear Hogsmeade has even better lighting than Umbridge’s classroom.”

final a/n: woah this request was adorable and i’m in love with the person who sent it in tysm. also did not edit this and i don’t have any beta readers so i apologize for any glaring plot holes/mistakes. let me know what you thought of it!!

[notwhoiwanttobeyet]

tumblr journal [1]

NOTE: hi pLeasE don’t read this. this is just a way of coping with my mental illnesses. this is completely unedited, highly personal and i stRonGLy advise you look away. i hope you’re having a good day! happy holidays :)

also don’t mind the spotify links along the way; just some songs i almost or did cry to while writing this 

tw: suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks, (breast) cancer

hey tumblr, 

it’s been a while since i’ve really vented. a lot of us use tumblr as a copying mechanism (me included) and i think it’s important i evaluate my current situation and break things down. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/1WVunZLZM2zLTm5rAvKZkF?si=a94u_JAsRX2VCWOD6z4l-Q

exam season is over; i’m on summer break. and that’s great. no more school. no more exams and assignments and testing and all that FUCKING BULLSHIT THAT THE SYSTEM PUTS US THROUGH. i’m sorry, i’m trying to stay calm but it’s so fuckiNg hard. i’m literally going to cry i- so yeah, as we know, towards the end of the year school fucked me over and i really, reaLLY, REALLY wanted to die. so when school finished i was like “oh i must be all good now, right?” but i wasn’t. i was left feeling so numb, to be completely honest (and cliche).  

then i got sick which was soooo fucked. apparently a lot of people who went to our small friend kris kringle gathering got sick which sucks but because i spent so much of this year in isolation, i forgot what it felt like to be sick and oh bOY it fucking sucked. i over exaggerated because i’m sensitive and wanted to die. i was sick for like a week and my parents quarantined me because my mum is recovering from a breast cancer surgery and couldn’t afford to get sick so i was like locked in my room- on my own- which yeah, i do anyway but this felt sooo different. this felt like, completely fuckEd because my parents were wearing masks around the house and would leave food in my doorway, etc. i felt like a complete MONSTER to the people i love. i also obviously couldn’t hug them or anything, leaving me touch starved and ugh- it just wasn’t a great experience. 

also my mum is recovering fine and stuff but it’s an emotional fucking time for everyone and i’m so stupid i haven’t told anyone about my mum being sick and all. like people don’t ask why i’m acting up because i’m ALWAYS acting up. i’m always sensitive and angry and having mood swings. that’s just me, being mentally ill. so no one asks why i’m worried. my mum has/had BREAST CANCER- brooo. she’s had one surgery which went well and will most likely have to have chemo and/or radiation in the coming year. we get the results back after christmas. so that’s a thing. 

i have a secure group of friends which i’ve always wanted, but it doesn’t feel right. it never feels right. like today the three of us went shopping and THEY WENT CRAZY- i was so stressed and had literally like 6 different mental breakdowns in the 2 hours we were out. they were bumping into people, running around, trying on every item of clothing ironically in every store. that shit stresses me out. and there’s nothing wrong with that- they’re good people and they’re not doing anything wrong really - it’s just normal teenage stuff. but i’m note normal, i’m super anxious and everyone was looking at us and it made me sooo uncomfortable. like- i could elaborate more but thinking about it hurts. i felt like i was their mum or something, shepherding them around and making sure they didn’t break anything else. they- UGH// they broke a perfume bottle and rudely ran away from a teacher i have a good reputation with. like i said, they’re just normal teenagers but it fucks me up. it’s not them, it’s me. on the bright side i saw this same lesbian couple i saw the other day again :) i never see wlw or mlm couples in public really so it makes me soo happy when i see them :) i also saw this girl in an unnus annus hoodie and i was gonna say something but i’m too *anxious* so i just stared at her until she looked at me weirdly and i ran out of the store. oH and there was a girl in an mcr shirt ahh-- she was really pretty but i was too busy running it was a whole thing like my mum was coming to pick me up and i had 10 minutes so i ran up from one end of the mall to the other and then upstairs to this store to but this fucking wonderwomen shirt and then i had to run all the way back and i’m not the most athletic to say the least and i wanted to CRY but yeah. what did i learn today? people aren’t for me. friends aren’t for me. and again i know i’m built to be alone. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/7wTqEW5nrMhvyEhEyTnOMd?si=ata2BwOPQji3twov9wTZWg

i’m really thirsty. ew not like tha- i fucking hate society

cinnamon rolls not gender rolls. wait my friend got that on a poster let me see if i can find it,,,

yeah here it is ^^^^

also: my hair. i’m so happy having it the length it is but mAn i just- i just- i hate myself lol. like i don’t know what else to say. i think i’m ugly and every time i look in the mirror i want to cry, and it’s going to be like that forever so i need to just except that. i am ugly, i hate myself. like- bro come on. it’s been like this forever and it’s going to continue to be like this forever so i need to stop fucking crying over it.

https://open.spotify.com/track/05JtBVWRtSzqLoj7jj30kn?si=30W4pt7dT8G3cbzaUMqldw

oh my god this song i’m about to cry. this is what i want. why can’t i just be- not me!!! 

these past few days i’ve literally been playing minecraft bed wars all day. like all day. and it was okay but now my eyes hurt and my head hurts and my hands hurt and i hate myself and everything hurts. 

also- music doesn’t feel right. it’s been like this for a while now, it’s getting better though. before i couldn’t listen to any music at all - now i’ve been listening to kid krow on repeat : ) 

god bless you, conan. my number one song currently is *cough* E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE (which they are btw) which is- fucking terrifying and funny at the same time. i genuinely like CORPSE though- i’ve watched every among us stream and i love his songs- in the past i would have considered myself a simp (?) maybe (?) but i had a nightmare about it and i can’t awifjisenf simp no more. i still appreciate him, i just- had an awakening. 

sexuality crises also suck a whole bunch. there was a 1-2 day phase a few weeks ago where i was low key PRAYING to be a lesbian lmfao. like it sounds stupid but i was crying over that shit. background info: no i’m not one of those straight girls, i’m a bisexual female who’s almost a full on raging homosexual except i am attracted to men. and i wish i wasn’t, believe me when i say that. but i have realised i am bi so it’s okay. i thought i was a lesbian and awilfjnawr labels but no, i am slightly attracted to men sometimes. but to answer your question if i am lucky enough my future wife and i will be married and living in a cottage. 

ugh. life. bru h i’m actually a train wreck- i had an anxiety attack crying trying to find my childhood tinkerbelle and friends dolls the other night. and then to make matters worse, i found them in a box with a whole bunch of other dolls in the same box including StRawBerrY ShoRtCaKe doLLs and i smelt my stawberry shortcake doll hesitantly while crying and she still smelled like her strawberry scent and i was DEAD. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/1F6IbA7di42uPc3cff8PXV?si=COKcG_UbQh-GhKYJ5vtIgg

ugh. so this has been my update so far. oh wait-

christmas. holy shit how is it christmas. i want dEatH like. reasons why i’m sad for christmas: it doesn’t feel like christmas so i feel like i’m not going to enjoy it, i’ve had no motivation to clean my room so the contents of my wardrobe is all over my floor because i was mid resorting the drawers when i got sick, i’ve wanted to ask for doc martens and my chemicals romance + other artists’ merch all year but i have SEVERE ANXIETY so of course i didn’t and now my parents have gone and bought me a new phone or something which of course i’m grateful for but my iphone 6s works just fine. it’s a waste of money which we need at the moment but because i’m too anxious i didn’t ask for anything this year so my parents have just chosen to spoil me and- aW SHIT! i can’t=

anyway so that’s my bullcrap life. i mean my bullshit rant. am i glad i did this? yes. do i feel any better? kinDa? i don’t know okay. what am i going to do now? i don’t know. probably lie on the floor and drown in self pity in hopes of melting into the abyss. i might read my book which i’ve yet to finish. maybe reading can be my knew things, seeing as i have zero hobbies. i read like once in a blue moon.

this is it for now, good luck, future me. 

sincerely, 

jordan ♡

https://open.spotify.com/track/7B3z0ySL9Rr0XvZEAjWZzM?si=HyWPKutjRTuPumafim7_Vw

[euphoriacrossing]

Okay so, I see people working on their AC journals, and I want to work on mine, but I still need some things for it (since I am using discbound I need the covers I want and the right kind of paper... that may seem like the whole journal and it kind of is, but I have dividers and some of the paper and the discs themselves, so.. yeah...) and I don't feel comfortable starting drawing layouts or anything until I get my journal set up the way I want. But i see people working on their journals and they are so cool and i fear for mine because I'm not artsy, I'm not organized, I'm not that creative. I have stickers a few, anyway (I have the official sticker book and a few stickers from etsy... I'll honestly probably get more but I have to wait until I get next month's money to buy anything because I didn't spend responsibly this month and ended up with $17 in my bank account... honestly almost worth it because I have just about everything I need for my actual switch now, since I can't have the AC switch, it's fairly decked out, my favorite is the pink and green joy-cons, I think I like them as much as i would the ones from the AC switch anyway, so yeah)... uh, yeah that's about it. Stickers and some of the journal pieces, lol. I do have ideas for the journal and I jot them down in a note app on here, but executing them the way I want to is a different story so yeah I have concerns about my journal. Let's hope I can make it half of what I want to.

I also do think I have settled on an island name. "Euphoria". I am testing it out, anyway, it's subject to change since it's still a long way off and I had a dozen other names I was considering. But Euphoria seems to fit the bill for what I'm going for. So maybe.

But then I don't know because I also legitimately wanted to name my island "Spoons" as I am a spoonie, and the spoon theory is how i tell people what my life is like, and plus, it's a hella cute name. And it would match my blog title and all that. So... I don't know, maybe i haven't decided because that name is still definitely in the running.

So maybe it's best I haven't started my journal yet, as the best thing to start with is a name. I think anyway, I see a lot of people using their Island Name in layouts and such, but then I can be more generic to start, perhaps I don't have to copy everyone else. But it just feels like I am doing it wrong. Like out of order.

So I saw a post on a facebook group I joined out if excitement (really the only good Animal Crossing fb group is mine. 😉 and I would say I was kidding, but as far as I know, I'm not... I've seen some super toxic mindsets and ugly acting people on a lot of other AC fb groups, so if you want one that is non-toxic, kind, and fun check out "Spoonimal Crossing", we're not dicks there) that people don't realize that all this stuff we're seeing in trailers could take months to achieve.

I think this person is right, if it's anything like New Leaf or really if it is a GOOD game, it will take us a bit to unlock things. I hope it's kind of gradual, and at month two and three and maybe four there are STILL things to unlock and more to do. Maybe four months is pushing it. Don't want people to lose interest because it's taking so long to unlock something. And with a game you're almost destined to have to start over (because of the lack of cloud saves and transfers thing) you can only make things SO hard to unlock. I get that. I hope they found a nice balance somewhere. But I not only think it will take persistent work to get these kinds of Islands, but I do think people fail to realize it as in the trailer it all looks like it happens so suddenly. Remember how things took some time to unlock in New Leaf though, and I don't really see people complain about it. They can't give us everything right at the start or it wouldn't be fun.

I also see people say "oh I'll get there in a day, because I time travel" blah, blah, blah... I hope beyond all hope that time travel is much harder if not impossible in this game. Somehow I would like it to be taken out. Because one, I feel like it's cheating the game. And /I/ don't want to be tempted to cheat. I mean we have a 24hr. place to sell stuff, it seems like night time gameplay is encouraged, so you shouldn't have to time travel to sell something or because you got bored at night. I feel the only reason to tine travel would be to cheat the game and if it's easy and people are getting rewarded for doing it, it's easy to want to taint the game that way. I don't want any temptation to do that. Secondly, I don't want other people succeeding because of it, like oh they built the best town thr fastest because they time traveled and got all this for it. It just seems unfair.

And I know you could argue that time travel has been "part of the game" since the beginning but I mean, I think taking it out only improves the game, and they have made tons of improvements to the game since the first game.

I just don't think time traveling brings anything to the game. But I have been wrong before.

I mean, maybe it can be argued if you miss an event you could go back and experience it... but from the point of view of someone who misses out on LIFE because of illness, I mean, I can't time travel back if I miss it. One of the special things about AC is the events and they are more special if you are actually there at the proper time, I feel. I don't have a lot of sympathy for people missing things because then I feel like it gets to be something more special for those missing out on real of things because of either illness or lack of social life or whatever. It gets to be special at all if you can only experience it at that time or whatever. I feel in the past time traveling has taken away a lot of the "specialness" of holiday events. So I feel we could stand to lose time traveling.

Anyway, whenever I close my eyes these days I imagine being on an island. A real one, though, I think of it as my Happy Place (also kind of a name contender, Happy Place is sort of cute) my soon to be Animal Crossing island. I think of my best name ideas when I am falling asleep. I keep a note app open I case I think of something good for my Island when I am partially asleep. I imagine where I want my house to be and all that. This helps me get to sleep these days and helps me when I an having to endure something sucky, like the dentist. Animal Crossing is already becoming my Happy Place again, my safe haven for my dreams and my imagination. I feel grateful to have something like this in my life honestly.

Some people just can't be into AC in the same way and I hope for them, SOMETHING is to them like AC is for me. I hope they have somewhere to go when they feel crappy, something to turn to when they don't feel like pushing on for anything else.

But i can barely comprehend how they don't like AC. Like i have ONE friend (two if you count the friend i actually made on here) i know who likes AC and plans to play with me. Now i don't have many friends, but i have at least three that like AREN'T into the game specifically. Two aren't inti video games at all so whatever, but one is super into gaming and just not an AC fan and I don't get it. I feel like the game has something for everyone and things a lot of other games don't and yet somehow this person... who owns a switch even so is kind of into Nintendo... they aren't getting AC.

I find it more insane because they at least used to be into me, and they weren't even like, "oh yeah, I'll get it just to play with you". (And they have gotten and played other games I suggested if I remember correctly...) I mean, I don't want anyone to do that if they don't like the game, and I really don't mean to sound into myself, BUT it was something I half expected from them considering history, so I feel they must REALLY not like AC somehow to refrain from getting it to play with me.

Maybe that's better though because it means I will maybe be more active in the community on here, maybe I will have a chance to make more friends instead of just staying within my little circle, and branching out is never a bad thing so yeah.

But as I was saying, I hope the people who don't have AC, have something. Lately my mental health has been tough to deal with, but having AC to look forward to makes all the difference. It is a reason to continue trudging through the days because at the end there are New Horizons waiting.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to play some Pocket Camp before I have to leave for the doctor. So bye for now. ❤

[purplesurveys]

896

Would you ever try Fear Factor for one million dollars? Why or why not? Yes. It would make for hilarious stories for get-togethers and I think that winning a million dollars that I could use up for the rest of my life doing some dumb dares for a few hours would be worth it. If you have a camera, when do you use flash? Only if it’s dim. I don’t like the effect that flash gives. What would you do with eighty-three crazy straws? Find an aunt or uncle with a kid who’s having a birthday party soon so they can use the straws as giveaways or something. If you use hair spray, what brand do you use the most? I don’t.  Is Catcher in the Rye in your library by any chance? It’s probably in another college’s library, most likely our college for the arts and letters. There’s no reason for it to be in a mass communication library.

What if there was no such thing as the word 'one'? Then that would imply that we have/have to have plurals of everything, which just sounds a bit bizarre to me.

What do you have automatic sympathy for? The 11,000 employees of the country’s biggest broadcasting network that was recently officially shut down by our – surprise surprise – government. These are people who weren’t even involved in the network’s franchise renewal status (which was/is the main issue), people who have families, people who relied on these jobs to get by during a worldwide pandemic, people who loved their jobs, people who found family in these jobs, It’s absolutely crazy how people can defend their stance against the network and justify the loss of 11,000 jobs. What is a cool disposable object? I don’t know who looks at disposable objects and thinks they’re ‘cool,’ but the first thing I thought of was my vape pen of choice, which are disposable. It has enough puffs to last several months with me so it’s more convenient for me to keep buying them than spending a large amount on a refillable one. Hilary Duff or Lindsay Lohan? Why? Hilary Duff as Lizzie McGuire is more nostalgic to me; I used to watch it nearly everyday. I never watched Lindsay’s movies other than Herbie. What do you think of the actor Michael Cera? No opinion but I remember the time when he was often used on 9Gag memes. Simpler times lol. Anyway, I haven’t seen any of his movies. What is the best thing about a Barbie doll? I think it’s really fun how they’ve come up with a bazillion outfits for Barbies and Kens. And different versions too – as far as I know there’s been a Filipino Barbie for a while :) What is something you'd say in your will? If I passed any time soon I’d like to include some things about my dogs and how they’re supposed to be taken care of. If we’re talking about what I’m putting in my will if I ever reach like 80, I just wanna make sure every person who’s been in my life and stayed for a bit is mentioned and thanked and I wanna make the list as expansive as I possibly can at that age. Idk, I’ve always been sentimental. Any thoughts on fake abortion clinics? What??? I don’t know what those are and what they do, but they sound awful. What was a username you'd thought wouldn't be taken but was taken? I’ve tried using my full name as a username in a few websites and seen them being taken. My first and last names don’t make a common pair, so I’ve always found it surprising. Cherry or peanut ice cream? Peanut. Not gonna lie, it’s an unusual flavor – but Asians kinda put peanuts on everything heh. What is your dream cellphone? Why? Whatever new phone Apple puts out because unfortunately I buy into toxic consumerist shit like that lol Would you rather be watching The Bachelor or The Bachelorette? Neither. From one to ten, how big of a movie buff are you? I’d give myself an 8. I’ve seen my fair share of movies and I can honestly say that my favorite films are not cliche picks, but I’ve also yet to see a bunch of classics that other ~movie buffs~ hail as being excellent movies like Taxi Driver, Silence of the Lambs, Rocky, American Psycho, etc. I also haven’t been watching movies as much as I used to, which takes down another point for me. Who is a celebrity you think will never get into trouble? The Irwin kids. I wouldn’t call them celebrities per se though; they’re in the spotlight for the most wholesome reasons. I’ve seen every segment Robert Irwin has had on Jimmy Fallon and it’s amazingly precious. What is an important holiday to you? Why? Probably the EDSA Anniversary because without it we’d still be under a dictatorship. Name a catty girl you really dislike. I wouldn’t call anyone I know that. What is a museum you would like to go to? The top 3 museums that I would love to visit are the Anne Frank House, the Met, and the Art Institute of Chicago. And wherever Monet’s paintings are, because he’s my favorite artist. Personally, do you look better with short hair or long hair? Short. Long, frizzy hair does not look good on me and on anyone else. What was the reason why you last blocked a person from your IM? He was a stranger who hit on me. I added him back only because we had a considerable amount of mutual friends and I thought that maybe he used to be a classmate or something, but he messaged me some shit that he had probably copy-pasted to 700 other girls saying like ‘hey do you mind if you and I talk? I find you really pretty’ like six seconds after adding him back. It was so fucking creepy and I never blocked someone so quickly. I was already in a foul mood that night so I also showed the brief interaction to Gab and I gave her freedom to curse the shit out of the guy if she wanted to. What is a cliche thing that happens a lot in anime? I don’t like anime and have never watched it. What are your views on the cartoon show Invader Zim? I’ve never seen that either. If you have some, what is tonight's homework about? I don’t have homework anymore. If you have one, what is your favorite sushi flavour? Cream cheese salmon rolls from a local place called Torch. What is the first thing you think of when I say 'Jack'? Rose. Do you understand JavaScript coding? A teeny bit, thanks to the theme customizations I used to do on Tumblr when I was 14. What would you do if you found a gun in your best friend's bedroom? Confront them, and maybe even scold them. I definitely would be angry. Not even just because it could mean they’re suicidal, but because I don’t believe in guns. What do you call your grandparents? I call both sets Lolo and Lola. When I say 'Go', you say: I just remember the song Green Light by Beyoncé because the chorus on that is her screaming ‘Go.’ What colour do you usually paint your nails? I never paint them. They’re pretty, but I never saw them as a necessity. What would be a cool earring design? People come up with cool designs all the time now though. I’m completely sure there are a million versions of this now but I would love sriracha sauce earrings haha. What do you think of raccoons? No opinion as I’ve never encountered them. Any thoughts on the actor Paul Rudd? NEVER AGES Who is the better liar: your mother or your best friend? Mom. Gab will lie to me sometimes but I can always tell. Are breast implants something you'd consider? Why or why not? I considered it when I was a teenager because people used to pick on me for being flat-chested, as if I had a choice as to what size my body would end up being. Also, flat chests were the butt of so many jokes in the early 2010s so it made me insecure for a very long time. Nowadays the environment is a lot nicer and I’m seeing many flat-chest positivity posts (if that’s even a thing) so I’ve changed my mind about implants.  Besides nightmares, what is the scariest thing about sleeping? Sleep paralysis. You can wake up from nightmares. Do you find the phrase 'nom nom nom' annoying? Not as much as ‘rawr’ annoys me. Do you look better with red lipstick or black lipstick? I look good in neither but I would go with red. When was the last time you had chocolate milk? Oooooh it’s been a while :( I feel like that’s something people have to start selling more, honestly. I don’t see chocolate milk being sold other than at the grocery or convenience stores and ugh, I just want more restaurants to add it on their menus lol. That being said, the last time I had it was in January, during a journalism workshop that we hosted in a school in Marikina. The teachers offered us that and a Fudgee Bar as thank-you snacks :)