#had a day of mental illness and the yuri got me through it

[sapphicjigsaw]

you are on a ROLL tonight are you alright

I’m normal. Mentally stable. I just think Homura had a good idea and I could do better. Let me try I think I’d be a good yuri satan.

[sayakxmi]

Finishing chapter 6 in Reverse1999:

Thoughts under the cut. Including spoilers, obviously.

Boy do I have thoughts. Most of them already shared with Yudja, as usual, but I felt the need to post them, too, lmao.

These bitches weren't lying, when they were saying that the writing of this chapter [6] elevated R1999 to one of the best written gacha games, because, man. Don't get me wrong, R1999's writing is fantastic in general, but the last chapter especially had me go through such a rollercoaster of emotions and opinions that I found myself changing my pfp to Kakania on discord out of respect. It sounds funny, but after going on and on as to why I liked her, I thought, you know what? Time for a change. I don't think I've ever changed my Sayaka pfp there, lmao.

Anyway. Silly thing first is that I was super proud of myself, bc in the 5th chapter when that plane appeared, I guessed that it was around 1914. And kept guessing until I had it confirmed in the 6th chapter. Listen, if it was stated earlier, I overlooked it, and I just went on my history knowledge & I'm very happy with myself.

Which also kinda made me go "uh oh" when I checked the date under some of the parts early on, and saw 1/7... and then I realized it was the USAmerican date format, so it's just January. Lmao.

Anyway, the chapter was a ride, and the sheer amount of dread it had caused me was something else. You just things were about to go horribly wrong, but I had no idea how and what exactly would happen.

Also, funny thing is that aside from the fact that it was supposedly super well written (turned out to be a fact), I also got spoiled on two things, Hofmann's death (I just knew she was going to die, not how), and that yuri was doomed.

Man, was that yuri doomed.

Honestly, I'm super glad I got spoiled on this factTM, bc I ended up with assumptions, which ended up being compltely wrong in the best way.

Ngl, maybe it was some internalized ableism from me, but I kind of expected Isolde to be the "victim" in the doomed yuri, as in, Kakania doing something that would cause Isolde to turn away from her. But I was wrong in the best possible way, because I think it managed to write a tragedy for the both of them that wasn't some form of character assasination.

I think the writers took a bit of a risk with Isolde that ended up paying off. I mean, they wrote a mentally ill character who causes lots of deaths, but managed to do it in a way that didn't demonize her, but also didn't excuse her actions. Imagine stricking that kind of balance these days... And aside from that, you can even understand what led her to that kind of state of mind. I mean, aside from curses and expectations and being deemed hystric, she was a medium for ghosts, which included ghosts from the future. I'm fairly certain she references both world wars when she explains things to Kakania, and all in all, it's difficult not to sympathize with her. And it's easy to see why Manus sought her - she was suffering, especially from her mental illness, and aside from Kakania, nobody really treated her with respect and gentleness she deserved (no wonder she fell for her), so she made an easy prey for them.

But, you know, she still got a bunch of people killed.

It's as good time as any to talk about my favorite character of this chapter, Kakania - it took me by surprise. The media made me really distrustful of fictional doctros & psychologists, huh. But anyway.

What I loved about Kakania is that she wasn't fine with any of this. Even if Isolde said she'd done it for her, to realize her dream, it was so refreshing to see a character be genuinely horrified by another character's actions, regardless of the intentions or mental health.

It's such a popular trope, accepting somebody who'd done awful things because of love, and I do like it (when it's well written), but it was so incredibly refreshing to see R1999 not go for it. Reverse1999 really said that it was still awful, and there was no justification for that.

By God it was all so painful - it was painful for Isolde, because she just wanted to make Kakania happy, and it was painful for Kakania, because she was essentially betrayed by her dearest friend, and indirectly caused so much pain and destruction. You'd truly want nothing but for these two to make up somehow, for Kakania to hold Isolde close and tell her everything's gonna be alright - but Kakania doesn't do that. And you know what? I fucking respect her for it. She values human life too much to budge out of love. Even if it hurts. Isolde has simply caused too much pain and destruction to swipe it under a rug.

And, god, the last part, the hypnotism. As if I wasn't in enough pain already. It hurt to see Kakania, who hates hypnotism with burning passion, use it on somebody she cares so deeply, and it hurt to see Isolde in the end just accept that. Even if it gave the Foundation a fighting chance against the Storm, it was still hard to watch. It still meant Kakania crossing the kind of boundary she'd never wanted to cross, and for yet another person to take Isolde's agency away from her. But in the span of this entire chapter things changed, they changed. And Kakania was willing to do anything to help, after indirectly causing that hell.

I think in a way that ending... honestly this entire chapter speaks volumes about the dangers of "idealism" and "meaning well". There's a reason why the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" exists. Idealism alone can lead to a catastrophy, and at the same time, sometimes something that goes against your principles might be more helpful in the long run.

As Madam Hofmann had said.

Honestly, moving to another character - Madam Hofmann. Not gonna lie, if I didn't spoil myself that she's gonna die, there's a chance I would've grown more attached to her... but watching Marcus beg her not to die was still heartbreaking. In general, her death was painful to watch. For most of the chapter she was so composed, but in the end she was stil just a person, and being in so much pain naturally broke her. Seeing her fight with her thoughts, clinging to her more rational side was painful.

I also loved her relationship with Marcus, especially since at first I was a bit unsure, given her rather cold demeanor, but, again, that one was on me and my assumptions. Hofmann was a great mentor. [*] A few quotes that I especially liked:

I think I like this one especially, because it manages to explain the problem, reassure Marcus, and at the same time doesn't bagatelize the issue. Like, that's how people your age are, but that's still not great and you need to get your shit together eventually.

A different quote, from Kakania's monologue this time:

But anyway, last but certainly not least, Marcus. I'm gonna be honest, I don't care about her all that much, but that is to no fault of her or her writing. Sometimes you just don't vibe with a character the right way. That being said, watching her growth throughout the entire chapter was a fantastic experience, and by the end I felt proud of how far she'd come. You did it, Marcus, you saved that mission. Madam Hofmann is definitely proud of you, too.

What a banger of a chapter.

[haemosexuality]

i have finally made a kin list

OH ALSO susie from deltarune too

[ateezyuri]

a to z with . . . yuri !

a is for ... “ATINY are the prettiest and most loveliest people in the world...i love you more than my cats!”

b is for ... “BITCH, you better be joking.” “never quote euphoria again.”

c is for ... “CATS are forever superior. i don’t care if leo keeps knocking your stuff down! he does it to show his love! hONGJOONG DO NOT THREATEN MY CHILD!”

d is for ... “DUDE — i am just trying to summon good vibes, i am NOT trying to hex wooyoung...why would you say that?”

e is for ... “ENOUGH of this madness!! if i hear the ponytail song ONE more time, i will rip someone’s head off.”

f is for ... “FRIENDS who really love you will deal with you even if you are being the most annoying or most overdramatic person ever. ateez deals with me all the time — so i think that they are my best friends.”

g is for ... “GUYS, GUYS, GUYS! will you PLEASE stop trying to manhandle me? LET ME WIN PLEASE, WHEN HAVE I EVER WRONGED YOU?”

h is for ... “HONGJOONG said i wasn’t allowed to attempt to murder my members...but hongjoong isn’t here so you better choose your last words wisely!”

i is for ... “I’M DRUNK IN THE BACK OF THE CAR, AND I CRIED LIKE A BABY COMING HOME FROM THE BAR, SAID ‘I’M FINE’ BUT IT WASNT TRUE — I DONT WANNA KEEP SECERTS JUST TO KEEP YOU AND I SNUCK IN THROUGH THE GARDEN GATE EVERY NIGHT THAT SUMMER JUSTER TO SEAL MY FATE — AND I SCREAMED FOR WHATEVER IT’S WORTH — I LOVE YOU AINT THAT THE WORST THING YOUVE EVER HEARD?”

j is for ... “JOKES on you, i already cry myself to sleep every night — so your comment didnt mean shit to me!”

k is for ... “KILLING eve is one of the best t.v series ever. i would let eve and villanelle run me over and call it a day.” “YURI?!?” “I WAS JOKING!”

l is for ... “LETS be honest...i AM the hottest person in the room right now.”

m is for ... “MINT chocolate chip icecream is for hot people only — if you don’t like it then...sucks to suck i guess.”

n is for ... “NEVER thought i would say this...but wooyoung is right, for once.”

o is for ... “ORIGINALLY, i was going to tell jongho i loved him. but now it’s time to unlock phase two — blackmail him.” “YURI NO—"

p is for ... “PAIN. all i feel is pain.”

q is for ... “QUICK! spit in yunho’s drink! i’m not doing it — you can face his wrath, and if he asks, i had nothing to do with this.”

r is for ... “RESPECTFULLY fuck off if you dont like taylor swift, this is NOT a safe spot for taylor swift haters. end of discussion.”

s is for ... “SANNIE is just like a little kitten, he’ll come up to me, lean his head down and ask for head pets. somedays i just want to put him in a chokehold and give him all the loves.” “you mean a hug?” “yeah that too.”

t is for ... “TEEZERS? are you calling us teezers because we always spoil?” “you mean YOU always spoil?” “....what makes you say that?”

u is for ... “UNTIL you give me a valid reason on why i should not self sabotage tonight — i am going to do it. and telling me my therapist wouldnt be proud is NOT going to do it.”

v is for ... “VERY bold of you to assume i know how to do basic math — i got held back a year for a reason.”

w is for ... “WHENEVER i think i have it bad (living with boys), i remember others have it worse.” “who?” “lottie.”

x is for ... “XOXO, a mentally ill bitch.”

y is for ... “YUQI is my favorite person in the world, she’s my girl — she’s my best friend! i love her so so so much, i don’t know what i’d do without her.”

z is for ... “ZOOM in on hongjoong, doesn’t he look so cute right now?” “do you have a death wish?” “i’m not scared of no man, especially not joongje, LOOK HOW SOFT HE LOOKS!”

tags: @chaerincore @atzaria @softieteez @ateezjuliet @lunarxsun @m00niesk7 @filmyoongs @shinyddeonghwa

[askaceattorney]

The Other Mod’s Defense

I’m the other mod Mod Vera and Mod Maya went to and asked about Co-Mod being a Trump supporter and were astonished to find out I was one too. I will state my defense as well, so warning that this will go into some politics. Continue on, if you are fine with this.

When Mod Vera and Mod Maya messaged me, I told them that I did not care for politics or wish to share any politics of mine, since I prefer them to be at home. I also said that Co-Mod has the right to freely express his politics online, if he wants. Afterwards, I stated that the only politics I’m willing to admit to them was that I was a Trump supporter and am Independent Conservative. If they were astonished, I was not aware. 

Just to be clear, this does not mean I don’t support LGBT or ethnic minority groups. The same with Co-Mod. To be honest, I didn’t think that’d be an issue or I would have expressed my support in those areas. Believe it or not, my mom and family part of an ethnic minority group (they’re part of the Cherokee Nation and two are mixed black) and I have friends and family that are LGBT. I also support women and the Disabled/Mentally Ill Community. Co-Mod has also says his family falls under this as well. Since I do not wish to speak for him, I will let his words do the talking. This is what he said when I asked if he had any family that fell under LGBT or Ethnic Minority Groups.

With all of that said, this doesn’t mean I agree with everything Donald Trump did in office or any of Co-Mod’s posts. I never once stated that I didn’t support LGBT and ethnic minority groups. Believe it or not, I myself have received discrimination for being Autistic, a sister who was discriminated for marrying a black man and having mixed kids and have a mother who was abused and treated poorly by a very sexist ex husband. Also, my mom was discriminated for her race of being Cherokee and Native. Admittedly, I’ve never experienced or have had friends that were discriminated based on their sexual orientation, but considering the discrimination I have experienced in other areas, I am against discrimination of any kind, no matter of whatever differences they have. Because of what my family and myself went through, I became hesitant of admitting my own race. I want to be treated as a person and not be defined by my gender, race or sexual orientation. As such, I refuse to mention either of those things as a mod and only have revealed my gender in my original account. 

I am sorry that Mod Vera and Mod Maya have to leave. Personally, I wish they could’ve talked to Co-Mod or myself about their grievances before leaving, but that is their call. I respect their decision. If they don’t feel comfortable in working with us, then they are allowed to leave.

That being said, I will ask the rest of you to not judge Co-Mod, myself or anyone else based on their politics. This includes Mod Maya and Mod Vera. Anyone expressing their support for a former president or having controversial opinions does not make someone racist, sexist, against LGBT or any of that. Personally, I wish politics never got involved in this blog, but as the saying goes, “it can’t be helped.” 

I noticed there were people in the comment section claiming that their letters weren’t answered because of this. No, non of our political leanings effect how we answer our letters. I do understand your frustration. I sent a letter teasing Edgeworth on being in love with Phoenix before becoming a mod and that was deleted. I realize now that it wasn’t because I didn’t follow the rules so much as the mods didn’t know how to answer the letter. Shipping letters are especially awkward to answer, if they’re not canon, but Co-Mod isn’t that kind of person. I will promise to answer any yaoi/yuri letter that comes. Also, we are just now starting to answer letters from February, so if you sent any letters in February and on, then it will get answered soon. Otherwise, take any letters deleted with a grain of salt. Let our actions to answering letters, creating posts or making Character Essays be the one to define our character.

Lastly, because we had so many following and talking in this blog, please don’t harass anyone mentioned in this blog. I will also ask any of the people that were trying to defend this blog in the comment section to not do so. People are allowed to express their grievances. It’s just an unfortunate event of two mods leaving. That is all.

- Mod Edgeworth

P.S. I think President Biden is not as crooked as the Republicans like to claim he is. Have a nice day :)

[hilli98215]

I am confused. I am hurt. I don’t know what to think. This is a long post. A very long post that is personal but I’ve had it in my head for a while to write. You don’t have to read this. This post has no real meaning. It’s more of a rant of how I feel in the world of fandom, my experiences, and why this posts exists. 

Again, you do not have to read this. 

You have been warned.

DO NOT REBLOG THIS POST!!!! 

When I became an English major in college, I did so knowing several things. One of those is the fact I love literature and I love discovering why authors, creators, and artists wrote what became their most well known work.

Where am I going?

My first fandom was when I was in Junior High (about 13-14 years old) that I was a part of, meaning I read fan fiction and discovered fan art of, was either Naruto or Pokémon. To me these works were escapes of my real confusing life. Especially when I moved states and schools. I had no one. Through this, I discovered what I liked and didn’t like in the world of fiction and was introduced to fandom words/slang such as shipping, fan fiction, lemons (which I don’t think is used as often now), different types of writing, yaoi, yuri, and a few more I can’t remember. This also included the all important phrase Don’t like don’t read. This was when I was in my early teens. 

But I was in a phase where I could find what I found interesting and that was that. 

When I got to high school, I was still this awkward quiet kid with no friends. But I did have marching band so that was something. 

At this point was was interested in Ouran Highschool Host Club, Death Note, a series called Beauty Pop, Fullmetal Alchemist, and a few others. This was also around the time where I began writing fanfiction for OHSC and even began buying manga. Anyway, this was my introduction to fandom as a teenager. And this is before Tumblr.

All I had were my friends, videos on YouTube, and my own interests. No one really understood why I loved all these things. 

Then came the very first fandom I became fully obsessed in my sophomore year: a small series called Hetalia Axis Powers. I was completely invested in this fandom. So much so I wrote fan fiction, bought merch, and read a lot of fan fiction myself. I think it was because, at the time I thought it was because the art style was cute, the voice acting wasn’t half bad and it had to do with history. But this is where things got interesting for me and learning about fandom as a whole. 

As a teen, I hadn’t known about AUs and this series had a lot of them. From the usual school AUs to odd ones. I usually stayed in my bubble and kept up the mantra Don’t like Don’t read. 

But why talk about it?

Well, let’s just say a lot of the content later on became weird and new. I learned a lot about new terms like de-aging and ABO. But this leads to interest which once again let me know what genres of fan fiction I like. 

I continued on with this fandom for about 3 years. And what broke it was the drama and how people were finding a sudden moral compass for personified countries. I mean there are other problems with that show that I recognize now as an adult and didn't see as a kid but that’s for another time. But I quietly left because I was beginning to understand that the drama wasn’t worth a tv show.

I would say the next fandom I was invested in and loved and I think had the least amount of drama was Fairy Tail. Now I fell in love with this series because of the story, characters, and the welcoming fandom. Overall there was rarely any drama because I think we all knew that we had to be civil with each other and respect our ships. While I’m not part of that fandom anymore a lot of people on Tumblr and FFN were very welcoming. The main series kinda fizzled out but that was one of the few positive fandom experiences I had.

I was at that point in my life where I was in college, created my Tumblr and posted regularly to escape life. 

Coming off that fandom, I was part of the Yuri on Ice! fandom from beginning to the end. I mean it’s a sports anime that’s about men's figure skating and how it can affect athletes just to get a gist of it.

That’s when my experience with fandom became interesting because these characters were being paired in a way that made me feel like they can’t be paired with anyone else. Like, there was a pairing we were all cheering for to happen by the end. 

This is the first series I was highly interested in as an adult where the ages of the characters were defined. There were a few in their teens, some in their early to mid 20s, and a couple in their 30s. Now this was a historic anime for several reasons. The main being there being a gay relationship being shown in a positive light and mental illness being shown in a way that wasn’t patronizing and negative. I loved this show for those reasons. But I also quickly learned how people would take these characters (especially those with huge age differences) and pair them up. That was my first introduction to criticism of how ‘gross’ it would be for a 15 year old to be paired up with an 18 year old. But I saw a problem that made me second guess my thinking. When I was in high school, I knew someone who was a sophomore at 15 and dated someone who was 18. Why was there a problem? 

I knew if I voiced this that I would be shamed and told that I was disgusting. Eventually I had enough and left shortly after the series ended.

Then came the Voltron: Legendary Defender series. Oh boy.

Now that series came out while I was in college and I often viewed it in a critical perspective similar to one would a piece of literature because my major was in English and that was what I was taught. Like YOI I was part of this fandom day 1 because it was so different from the original Voltron series from the 80s. I loved how the fandom dissected everything in every episode. There were watch parties, analysis videos, and even skits at conventions. It was a fandom I knew I wanted to be a part of. But then there was fanfiction that I found odd and knew that I never wanted to read that. People were writing about topics that made me uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to deal with it. After a while, I questioned why I was forcing myself to read them in the first place. So, I stopped reading them. This was also around the time where I discovered AO3 and their amazing tagging system. Because if the tagging system was not there, I probably would have stopped reading fanfiction all together.

But then there was drama, shipping wars, morality wars, and I had enough. I was there until it ended and left quietly. Which is sad considering I loved the experience but it was ruined by what people thought was right for fictional characters. 

Now you may be asking “What was the point of this post?”

To answer your question, I don’t know.

I have loved reading since I was a kid. And when I got to high school, I had this AP teacher who told us something that has stayed with me to this day.

‘As a reader we are detectives. We want to know why the author wrote this book. We want to know what influenced them.’

I took that saying to heart and approach everything through a critical lens. Which is difficult in a fandom. It’s hard to have a critical approach to a series that everyone takes for a grain of salt.

I have been exposed to a lot of books and pieces of literature that have been considered controversial because of their content. When I left high school, I began to realize what genres of books I like in the YA genre and in literature. 

I experimented.

And when you think about it, that’s what you do with fan fiction and fandom. We are always experimenting. We are always finding what we like and don’t like. 

But recently I’ve noticed a new fandom term that makes me wonder where I fall in all of this craziness we call fandom. 

Pro-Fiction/Pro-Shipper

It wasn’t until last year I saw this word thrown around in a new fandom I am in. I tried to do some research but I couldn't find anything. Nothing. And then I learned it’s a new term in itself.

I won’t go into detail but it reminds of the ‘video games are violent so that makes so-and-so violent’ argument parents made when Mortal Kombat came out. 

Well you still didn’t answer the question.

And you’d be right. I saw a post from a follower that saddened me and honestly freaked me out. Why announce that you hate a specific group? It felt like a call out post without saying any names. A warning that states: Block me or out yourself. Or rather: Block me or else.

Do I identify as this? To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I think critically and see things differently. In fact everyone does. 

We are always going to be influenced by the media whether it be a movie, television, a book, or a video game. We will always love these storylines and characters. We will always take the messages to heart. We will always cheer for the hero and maybe the villain too. 

I do want you guys to remember this, make your own fandom experience. Block those who make you feel uncomfortable and make you feel like you don’t matter. You do.

You are your own person. No one can tell you otherwise. If you feel uncomfortable, then maybe you need to leave the fandom. Or find a space in the fandom that you can be yourself. Or don’t care what people think and do what you always do.

It’s all up to you.

[xthexrawringx20sx]

Hi everyone!

I have decided to do commissions for various things, since I need to earn money and I can’t work due to being very high risk and unreliable transportation for a job!

I’ll talk about commissions and then give a bit of backstory, since this probably seems very sudden (and random, since I’ve been relatively inactive for a while;;)

I love to write and I am willing to do almost anything (I will go more into detail in a bit). I can write: poetry, short stories, monologue-type stories, drabbles, longer stories (not chapters, since that would take a very long time), children’s stories, world-building, headcanons/oneshots/fanfiction in general, and probably more!

I have been in several writing programs, and I won an award from Scholastic for a series of poems last year. If you would like samples of my writing, please message me as I don’t want them stolen.

I can also do edits on pictures! I really enjoy doing this, and I can do them for character/fandom related things, ocs, real people, etc. I am also able to make moodboards and stimboards! Again, if you would like examples please message me.

What I will not do:

• Extreme gore/graphic sui or sh

• Anything romanticizing abuse, heavy drug usage, or mental illness

• Yaoi, yuri, l*li or anything along those lines. LGBTQ+ relationships and characters are (obviously) perfectly fine, I’m just not comfortable with fetishizing anyone.

I am currently 17 and living at home with my parents. We have had a lot of struggles, especially since my dad is the cause for a lot of my ptsd. I would have moved out as soon as it was legal for me to, but I have Type 1 Diabetes and some mental illnesses that cost a lot to manage. I need to save up as much money as possible by July 26, since that is when they can kick me out at any time. I get sick very easily, and with my Diabetes and asthma I can’t get a job at the moment. On top of that, they offer to drive me to a job but then find an excuse to not take me, and I have no one else to rely on for transportation.

I also need to leave so I can get help with my mental illnesses. I can’t be open with anyone around me about what I’m going through, since my parents will hear. They use psychiatric hospitals as punishment, and find any reason to take me to one. Three years ago, I ran away because I thought they were going to hurt me. They manipulated everyone around me into believing I was su*cidal and manic, and put me in a residential facility that did nothing but make me afraid to reach out to anyone. I had over $300 in savings before, but they denied I ever had it and since it was part of their account, I couldn’t prove anything. I have my own account now and I’m able to monitor it closely.

I just got cashapp, so everything can be done online. Please message me if you’re curious about any of this!

Thank you, have a wonderful day/night!

[justmikerrss]

to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW 

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.  

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3 

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

[girl-in-the-library]

Thoughts on Fandom

Lurking in the Deltarune tag, I see the Undertale fandom coming back to life. Some people are celebrating and some people are groaning, others are still fearful that the fandom might return to the mess and wank it was full of before.

And it just makes me think more about fandom in general. The idea of fandom is endlessly fascinating to me. For some it's a place of fun, or a safe space, or a space of casual interest. For others it's an obsession, or a place to assert themselves, or be important. But it's my philosophy that, as long as you're not hurting others or yourself, it's impossible to do fandom wrong.

This got much longer than I thought so I'm putting it under a cut.

I have run a panel at Anime Boston for the past two years, and I hope to run it again, called "Fandom as Coping" - in it, I discuss some of the positive aspects of fandom, using it as a coping mechanism for a myriad of reasons, but also discuss how it can become maladaptive and do more harm than good. Fandom is a double edged sword like that. But curating your experience in fandom is the best way to keep it as a healthy, positive influence in your life. When it comes to causing harm to yourself, be cautious of using fandom in an obsessive way. I know what it’s like for fandom to be literally the only thing getting you through the day. In January 2018, and again in August 2018, if I didn’t have Yuri on Ice to come home to, I might literally be dead. It was the only thing getting me through the day. And while that’s a more positive coping skill than say, self-harm, if I continued that way and hadn’t gotten the help I needed (partial and full hospitalizations, in January and August respectively), using fandom to ignore my problems and try to keep going when I obviously couldn’t would have been to my detriment. The people who you interact with in fandom can also be a big part of this.

Fandom communities can be wonderful and uplifting, but they can also be an echo chamber of toxicity. If you interact with friends you know irl, or make friends on a one to one level, it’s easier to find the positives. That’s not to say that larger groups or communities can’t be supportive. But if you find yourself in a place where people are constantly putting you down, or if everyone is stuck in a spiral of depression, it might not be the healthiest place for getting better. Of course, you may need a place to vent, a place to feel like you belong, or a place to escape. Fandom can do all of those things. But you need to be careful. If you get stuck in a community that is not healthy, it can be hard to escape, especially if you feel like it’s the only place where people understand you. If you are having trouble irl, and trouble online, it’s likely that you need to seek professional help. If you are having trouble in only one of these places it’s still likely you need to seek professional help. Therapy is not a weakness. 

Though fandom ISN’T just a negative place. You can find very supportive communities, and make long lasting friendships. And even if they’re only temporary friendships, they might be what you need at the time, and that is still positive! In fandom, you can find people who share your interests, people who will help you cope, help distract you, and a place to belong. You just need to be able to judge whether or not you’re in a healthy space, which can be hard to do.

For me, fandom has almost always been positive, and that's largely due to the way I interact with fandom. When I have bordered on using it maladaptively, that was more due to my mental illness causing obsessive and compulsive tendencies than because I was interacting with anything or anyone in fandom in a toxic way, so that's a little more personal. But fandom can be maladaptive as a coping mechanism OR just generally a bad influence in your life, if that’s how you’re using it. If you get stuck in a negativity spiral, it can be hard to get out of it. Sometimes you just need to take a step back, and sometimes you need to start over.

This is all on an individual level, and based largely in creating communities. But fandom is also a collective, and the works involved (fanfiction, fanart, cosplay, meta, et cetera) play a big role in how fandom works, and often create drama and wank.

My fandom experience has been largely defined by interaction on an individual level with specific people, getting lost in the crowd at conventions, and sometimes cosplaying or writing fanfiction. Because of this, I have avoided a lot of wank and drama that seems typical in many fandoms. Though I have gotten into an ill-advised argument on a forum once or twice, my fandom experience has been largely positive because of this way that I interact.

Now, I know that not everyone can choose to simply interact like I do. Big Name Fans, for example, get involved in drama whether they want to or not, simply because they wrote or drew or cosplayed or meta'd something popular. They become voices for the fandom, and people love them for it and hate them for it. But still, BNFs and other popular fans are still just fans. They're people who have opinions about the works they love, but get embroiled in controversy because they happen to be popular. Of course, there are fandom famous, or fandom infamous people who are toxic, who do hurt others, and who deliberately stir shit. These are not the people I'm talking about. You'll find people like that in any fandom, in any part of life if we're being realistic, and the best thing to do in those situations is to just not interact. It's hard to walk away sometimes, I know, but shit-stirrers need an audience, they need people to preach to and get riled up. Without that, they'll (hopefully) fade away. But for those famous fans who are here to have a good time and share what they love - share with them! It's okay to admire them, to strive to be a better writer or artist or what have you, but they're still people who just want to interact with their favorite media.

Now, I'm not anywhere near a BNF, I'm a mediocre writer and cosplayer, and I just do it for fun, so I've never been put in a position where I've been forced to interact with a negative side of fandom. I know it's not easy to ignore in those cases. I guess my point there, in general, is don't be an asshole to anyone, and be excellent to each other.

The other biggest complicating factor that I see is the age disparity in fandom. I'm not even going to talk about something like My Little Pony right now, because that's more than I can tackle, but I'm thinking, for example, of when I was in the Homestuck fandom.

I was 18 when I started in the Homestuck fandom, and it was about 2 or 3 years old at that point. If I had started reading at the beginning of when it came out, I would have been about 15. I don't know what the audience of Problem Sleuth was like, but my first year in the fandom seemed to me like it was primarily people in my age range who were the most involved. Of course, I can't know that for certain, and I'm not even sure what I'm defining as my age range here (15-25???) But the thing about Homestuck is that it got bigger very quickly. The older fans were getting older and new fans were coming in younger and younger.

The Homestuck fandom had one of the widest age ranges I had ever seen, and that made it difficult, it many ways, to interact. The best thing for adults in fandom to do is tag their content, and do whatever they can to keep kids from getting to what may be inappropriate. But it's not the stranger's responsibility if a kid seeks out vore inflation a/b/o or whatever the kids are seeking, as long as it's tagged appropriately. That's the parent's responsibility. And to an extent, the kid's as well. If a kid wants to see boobs on the internet, almost any kid these days knows how to find boobs on the internet. Depending on the kid's age, it's up to the parents to put up parental blocks or monitor a kid's usage. With safe search as the default on Google nowadays, it isn't like the "olden times" where a quick search for a whoopie pie recipe brings up nothing but porn. But if you type in "boobs" you still get boobs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that kids aren't 100% responsible for their own fandom interaction because, depending on their age, they might not know any better yet. Now, there's a difference between a 16 year old and a 9 year old. A 16 year old knows what they're doing, and if they want a/b/o inflation porn, they're going to find it, and they might even get mad once they do because it's adult content and they're still kids, who want to be treated as adults. At that point, they're likely curating their own internet experience, and that's a gray area that's still being worked out. A 16 year old is still a minor, but when it comes to the internet, at least, they’re generally minors who are left to their own devices. Teenagers at that age are also notoriously contrary and rebellious, so if you put tags and say, “Minors do not interact!” they’re quite possible going to say, “Fuck you” and interact anyway. You can’t control them. You can only control yourself, so that’s what you need to do. Don’t interact with them, if you can avoid it. If they start confrontation, walk away. And it’s true, you can’t always tell a 16 year old from a 9 year old from a 40 year old on the internet, or any age from any other age, but my advice is still the same. Avoid interacting with negativity, hate, and confrontation in fandom. Just walk away. 

(There are some situations where this doesn’t apply, of course, but I think that in fandom, where the primary purposes are to have fun and interact with other fans of things that you like because you like the same things, walking away from confrontation is a good idea. When it comes to things like politics, for example, I think you need to avoid the trolls, but standing up for yourself and others, even if it means confrontation, is a different story. But this isn’t about politics, this is about fandom, and not all places on the internet are created equal. Politics is of course relevant in fandom, but if it’s JUST about fandom, you don’t need to start flame wars or ship wars, or even fight in them. You CAN just walk away, even if people yell at you or make fun of you for it. Just keep ignoring them. But I digress.)

9 year olds, on the other hand, need help on the internet. You can't control what they do either, but again, it's not the stranger's job to curate the kid's experience, but the parents. Just make sure you tag your stuff so if a parent is looking for something appropriate for their kid, they don't unknowingly give them something inappropriate. A 9 year old, especially in this day and age, knows how to use the internet. And if they’re looking for boobs, they’re probably going to find boobs. But just because they’re looking for boobs doesn’t mean they need to find a/b/o inflation vore porn. If they click on it anyway, it’s highly likely they won’t know what half that stuff means, but they still might be disturbed by it. Again, it’s not that stranger’s responsibility, as long as it was marked and tagged appropriately. 9 year olds still need to be supervised, both in general, and on the internet. Just because they’re tech-savvy doesn’t mean Stranger Danger rules don’t apply. Parents in this day and age should be teaching their kids safe internet skills, too.

My experience with fandom, and my ability to create the experience I want with it probably stems from the fact that my parents did curate my online presence when I was young. I was only allowed on sites like Nickelodeon.com and Disney.com until I was 10 or so. When I first got on fanfiction.net, I was 13, I think. And of course at that point I started sneaking around and reading "M" rated fics, but that was my choice. I was old enough to know better, and if something made me uncomfortable, I would click out of it. At that point, I read so voraciously as a kid and a young teen, that I was reading books with erotic content, and I could find the same thing online. My parents never censored what I read when I was old enough to choose for myself what I could read, but they made sure they knew what I was reading. Only once did they ever consider taking a book away from me, and that was when I was 12 reading Dan Simmons “Olympus” - I liked science fiction, and mythology, and wanted to read harder books so that seemed like a good choice. But like any story tangentially related to Greek Gods, there was A LOT of sex. Very, very descriptive, pornographic, literotic, sex. I told my parents about it and we talked about it. They asked if it made me uncomfortable, if I thought that they should read it first before I continued and judge whether or not I could handle it. I said I was okay, we talked about it a little more, and that was that. Even though I may not have been old enough for the content, I was old enough to know what was going on, and to make the choice. The same thing applies to the internet and fanfiction. Tag your fics, tag your art, make your blog 18+ if you are going to primarily post adult content, but parents need to talk with their kids.

A side note, but I once got a CD from my parents for my birthday. It was a Green Day CD, I was maybe turning 11 or 12? And I had expressed interest in Green Day because my friend in middle school played me one of their songs and I liked it. The CD my parents bought me was "Dookie," even though the newest album that had just come out was "American Idiot" - because “American Idiot” had a parental advisory sticker on it and “Dookie” did not. The reason for that was “Dookie: was released before it was necessary to put parental advisory stickers on albums. Thus, they had no idea what they were getting into when they handed their daughter a CD with a secret song titled F.O.D. Tags are important, but they don’t always function properly.

Green Day is still my favorite band.

Regardless, with all the rambling and digressions, my point is CURATE YOUR FANDOM EXPERIENCE. There are situations that make it hard, because you can't always choose who interacts with your content, but what you CAN always choose is the content you interact with. And when it comes to people interacting with YOUR content in a negative way, walk away when you can. (If you think a minor is negatively interacting with your 18+ content, I don’t necessarily know what to do, but my only thought is to block them so they can’t see your content anymore.) Interact with others in a positive way, and for the most part, I find, others will do the same with you.

Fandoms can be great places. They can also be toxic cesspools, because there are bad and toxic people in the world. But if you can, choose your own adventure.

I had a great experience with Homestuck, even amidst all the disaster and misbehavior at the height of Homestuck popularity because of the way I treat fandom.

One of my favorite people is big into Hetalia, and still is! It's one of, if not her number one, favorite fandom. And there's always been a lot going on there, but because of the way she interacts, it's been a great, healthy place for her.

And if Deltarune is giving you feels like it's giving me feels, then by all means, jump back into the Undertale/Deltarune fandom! And don't let hate scare you away.

There will always be bad places on the internet, and sometimes, you can't avoid them. But do your best, and try to create an online fandom experience that will bring you joy, not one that will cause pain to yourself or other people.

[ac-liveblogs]

I figured it wouldn't be amazing story wise.

Yeah the main three were eh. Nagi was meh. Rindo was okay, personally I felt Fret was the most interesting. Maybe you can help me out but I swear Kanon was in the first TWEWY as an NPC at the end. Though yeah I agree I think the first was better, still need to play the updated one. I did like the combat system in this and the graphics. Music was good too. My biggest complaint was probably some of the slang was cringe and I feel there was some heavy plot induced stupidity at times. I know that's in every game but I got frustrated at Rindo a few times. Honestly I hated how Kanon had to die.

Is there a place you can view all the Stations? I was playing the stage a few times and they repeated after I saw the BBS Trio, Xion and Roxas.

Also finally got around to playing Cindered Shadows lol. I love Constance just hate how many stages are in sunlight. I replayed all the stories after that and she's a game breaker if you give her all the stat items. Anna just seemed like an afterthought though.

It's not even passable storywise :')

I liked Fret's storyline with Kanon, but otherwise he read as fairly... plot devicey. Kind of just a way to establish what Rindo's arc was going to be? Though Rindo came into his own on the last day, it was kind of too little too late.... I had a lot of fun with the team leaders, though. Also I don't think she is...? I feel I would've recognised her, but if she was an NPC it might've slipped my notice. I still haven't touched Final Mix, and I don't really plan to. I took a brief skim through some TWEWY sprite rips and couldn't see anyone like her though. Kanon dying makes sense because if no-one you care about dies in a death game, the stakes are kind of... abstract, but it was a hell of a tearjerker. We stan a queen.

I saw the Stations on Sakurai's video discussing Sora - it was all the Stations that appeared in the KH3 DLC plus Xion and minus any copyrighted characters. Is it just me, or does using the official art from game covers for everyone besides Sora and Ven come across kind of... extremely tacky... and lazy... ugh

Oh man, I love Yuri and Constance! They're so great, but Constance's sun personality... the gag gets old, and it really was just a gag. "Constance is traumatised, whoops, personality changes! Let's never address this seriously ever." I thought it'd be interesting if it were something she'd inflicted on herself when she was experimenting with magic, Jekyll-and-Hyde style, but. Eh. Still A Better Depiction Of Mental Illness Than Jeritza, I guess.

It's really fun to play through the routes again with the Wolves recruited; they add a lot of extra context to routes you might have missed. I just wish they'd gotten more supports... Anna wasn't part of the CS DLC, iirc? She was dropped at the same time as Jeritza, who got like... 3 support conversations...? But yeah, she doesn't really get much focus.

[n3rdlif343va]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Mila Babicheva/Sara Crispino, Mila Babicheva & Sara Crispino, Mila Babicheva & Georgi Popovich, Michele Crispino & Sara Crispino, Sara Crispino/Original Character(s) Characters: Mila Babicheva, Sara Crispino, Georgi Popovich, Michele Crispino, Original Characters Additional Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Feels, Unrequited Love, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Friends to Lovers, Best Friends, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Weddings, Inspired by Music Summary:

Sara gets engaged to a man named Sergi and Mila desperately tries to let go of the love she has always had for her best friend.

Inspired by Marry Me by Thomas Rhett

Or read below the cut: 

Mila met Sara when they were both juniors, still learning the ropes of the professional skating world. Sara with her bright eyes and high-pitched laugh which always tipped over to a squeal when she got too excited. Sara who was almost never without her brother, but who would whisper secrets into Mila’s ear whenever they found themselves alone. Sara who always a little boy crazy and was never shy about the changes happening with her body.

Mila remembered asking Sara one day, as they leaned their elbows on the barrier wall watching the boys warm up, why she liked boys so much. Tilting her head in confusion, Sara asked Mila who else she was supposed to like.

What Mila didn’t realize was that Sara was looking for an answer; she was searching for validation that there was no reason to focus her attraction solely on the boys who circled her like vultures.

It would be the first of the moments that Mila missed. She had worked so hard to shove away her attraction to Sara, telling herself that Sara needed her friendship more than she needed anything else. She held Sara when she cried, from heart break on the ice and off. She turned away when Sara focused those beautiful eyes directly on Mila’s, pretending that she didn’t feel the painful desire to tip their lips together. Mila listened to every rant about Mickey’s over-protectiveness and every excited squeal over Sara’s newest love interest. She pretended it didn’t kill her to love Sara with her whole heart and she let Sara go a little more every day.

The party was loud and all of their friends were there. Sara looked stunning in a dress of lilac which flirted with the curves of her body, her long hair hiding the open back. Like old times they snuck away to Sara’s room, stealing a moment to themselves with a bottle of sangria. Collapsing on Sara’s childhood bed together, Mila rested her head on her bent elbow staring at the goofy glow-in-the-dark stars still stuck to Sara’s ceiling. This was a feeling she would cling to forever, no matter where they went, she would remember the sound of their laughter weaving together in the small bedroom.

“Hey Mila,” Sara was on her side, leaning into Mila’s space, her eyes searching Mila’s face. Mila’s heart stopped beating when Sara’s hand touched her cheek, her eyes fluttering as her best friend lowered herself toward Mila’s lips.

The door banged open, revealing Mickey. Sara sat up with a laugh, pushing her hair back.

“Sergi is looking for you, little sister.” There was a vibration to Mickey’s voice that made Mila’s stomach drop. She had seen Sara’s boyfriend idly playing with something in his pocket for most of the night and she knew that as soon as Sara walked out of the room, all of her worst fears were going to come true.

“Ok,” Sara smiled, with a hint of what Mila thought was sadness, uncurling from Mila’s side and slipping off of the bed. “Mila had a bit too much to drink,” crossing the room, Sara hooked her arm in Mickey’s looking back over her shoulder. “I’m sure she’ll be down in a minute.”

They disappeared as Mila felt the tears well up behind her eyes. Counting backwards from one hundred, she forced herself to breathe. Putting one foot in front of the other, she left Sara’s room, refusing to look back on what could’ve been. Each step brought her closer to the sound of happy screams and celebratory shouts. Finally turning the corner, she saw Sara being swung in the air by Sergi, the sparkle of her brand new diamond impossible to miss. For a moment, Mila caught Sara’s eyes, nodding and giving her a thumbs up.

A flask appeared at Mila’s elbow and she looked up to find Georgi standing next to her, his smile quietly understanding. Accepting the flask, Mila drank to what she had lost, mentally saying her goodbyes to the love of her life.

It had been a year. A year since the moment that Sara had said yes to Sergi’s proposal and slammed the door on the remaining hope that Mila had foolishly held in her heart. A year since they had almost kissed lying on the girly floral of Sara’s childhood bed.

In the course of that year, Mila had steeled herself against her own heart. She had pulled away, relieved when Sara said that her only attendant would be Mickey as her best man. Mila could play the role of best friend, but standing next to her as Sara pledged her love to someone else was too much for Mila to handle.

On the day of the wedding, Mila pulled on her favorite suit, knotting her favorite skinny tie over her dress shirt which she knew was Sara’s favorite color of purple. She slid her feet into her designer heels, straightening her shoulders and staring herself down in the mirror. Mila could see the pain in her own eyes, but she forced a smile on her face, prepared to hide it away one last time.

Flowers hung from every line of chairs, the smell of lavender and lilac dancing through the backyard of Sara’s family home. Memories of playing fairies and having picnics floated through Mila’s mind, crashing painfully against the memories of playing wedding, Sara’s stuffed animals lined up in the same way the guests were seated now. In their game, Sara always married Mila, and Mila felt her heart shatter in her chest at the strength of that memory.

Every time she told herself she could do this was a lie. The weight of those lies settled on Mila’s shoulders as she peered over the wedding guests. Resting her gift on the table with the others, her fingers trailed over the pictures on display. Her hand stalled at the picture of her and Sara, arms thrown over each other’s shoulders at the first Olympic opening ceremony they had shared. Picking the picture up, Mila watched as her single tear splashed on the glass.

She couldn’t do it. No matter how much she loved Sara, she couldn’t stay and watch this happen. Laying the photograph down on the table, Mila walked away, moving around the house and taking off at a sprint toward her car.

She pulled over at the twenty-four hour restaurant, unsure of how she had gotten there. Memories clung to this place too; late night pig out sessions, nursing broken hearts with bread and sweet soda, and recovering from ill-advised nights of too much drinking. Everywhere Mila turned the memory of Sara was going to haunt her. It didn’t matter though, Mila wanted to feel the pain. Slamming her car door shut, she moved blindly toward the restaurant, slumping into their usual table with a sad smile at the waitress.

Somehow she would move on. Today was the last day that she would let her heart hope. In the past year, she had convinced herself that Sara would wake up and realize that Sergi wasn’t the person she was supposed to be with. She had driven herself mad wishing that Mickey had only given them five more minutes in Sara’s room, let her mind whirl around the possibility that a single kiss could have changed everything.

This wasn’t a fairy tale though. In real life, Sara married the rich hockey player who could bench press more than his Neanderthal weight. Mila didn’t get the girl and there was no happily ever after. Accepting the glass of wine from the waitress, Mila tipped it back, consuming the contents of the glass in one move.

The patter of rain against the glass made Mila glance out of the window. Her heart stopped.

A vision in white lace and silk stood on the sidewalk, tears causing makeup-stained streaks across her cheeks. Mila shook her head, pinching her eyes shut to rid herself of the illusion, daring to look back out into the rain. As Sara’s carefully braided up-do began to fail under the assault of the rain, Mila stood up.

They crashed into each other on the sidewalk, arms wrapping around the other’s body. Sobs caused them both to shake as the rain poured down on their faces, blending with their tears.

“I couldn’t do it,” Sara whimpered, clinging to Mila with her head buried against Mila’s shoulder. “All day I have felt sick. All year if I am being honest. Then…” she choked, bringing her face up to peer at Mila. “I had my dad’s arm, we were walking past the tables with all of the pictures and I saw it. Our picture, laying down while the rest still stood. I… I couldn’t marry him…”

“Why?” Mila ran her hands over Sara’s face, wiping away tears and rain drops. The hope was back and it was crushing Mila, but she couldn’t stop herself from asking the question.

“You,” Sara whispered, her voice steadier now as she raised her own hand, pushing Mila’s hair from her face. “I’m in love with you. I always have been. And even if you don’t love me back, I couldn’t…”

Mila moved. Tilting Sara’s head with a simple press of her fingers, Mila moved to kiss her best friend. She kept it soft, even as all the love that Mila had hidden away poured from her, she tried to hold back her desperation. When it ended, Mila lingered near Sara’s lips. “I love you. I always have. Always will.”

As the sun broke through the rain clouds, they entered the restaurant holding hands, ready to face all the feelings that had always existed silently between them.

[mandysxmuses]

go off about DDLC

//Okayokayokay gonna put all this under a cut bc I’m gonna totally spill everything out just – just everything I can on the fly (and I’m also not gonna tag it under the game’s tag bc I am a scared muffin who fears someone will disagree with my thoughts and I don’t want to be labeled as a mental-illness-is-automatically-horror douchebag ;;;;; )

GREAT GAME GREAT GAME LET’S JUST GET THAT OUTTA THE WAY I LOVE IT (and again if you don’t that is fine your opinion is valid and I’m not tryna change anyone’s mind, I just have a different view of one of the main criticisms and I’m not trying to change your mind on that either)

I should state that I love anything cute that turns creepy. That’s just… it’s my shit. Cute stuff that goes off the wire and turns totally horrific is absolutely my thing

Or even otherwise innocent stuff slowly going horror (Unlimited Footage of a Bear - a anti-depressant booster commercial going haywire, Too Many Cooks - an 80′s.. no, parody of pretty much every show type ever going haywire, Tea Time - tea time with a granny going haywire )

So uh when I heard from my friendos that I should play this game called Doki Doki Literature Club

And it was already sounding like my thing my thing because I love anime waifus n shit

When I saw the first tag being “psychological horror” I was both like “Why?” and [Bluebeard Voice] “SHIT YES”

I was one of the ones who got to play it before there were let’s plays all over Youtube and even if there would’ve been at the time I didn’t look that shit up because I wanted the full TAKE MY BODY AND SHAKE IT experience

And I saw the anxiety and depression warning at the beginning and was like “Oh. I have both of those. … Eh” and played anyway

MY BIGGEST BUT ALSO MOST AWESOME MISTAKE (besides that fucking soda spill last night omg I don’t even think I told you guys the whole story but oh my god Sayo-nara might as well have been playing during that shit)

I, uh;; haha, disliked Sayori toward the beginning of the game. Not that i found her annoying or anything, it’s just the “ditsy childhood friend” trope was always one of my least favorite tropes so I kinda just found her meh. She was cute though (hahahahahaHAHAHA and you know what I’m pissed that this sweetheart who went through such a deep-ass development in such a short time has basically been reduced to nothing but a hanging joke

Like we get it. She hung herself and we joke about to deal with the pain bUT THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE TO SAYORI THAN THAT PLS STOP REDUCING HER TO THAT ONE POINT IN THE GAME C’MOOOON)

And perhaps this was a spoiler but I did not recognize it as one but one of said friends who recommended it to me told me to wait for Sayori to start acting off.

… My initial assumption with this game was that it was going to be one of those generic “ALL THE GIRLS WANNA MURDER EACH OTHER AND THEN YOU” things bc that shit happens all the time in anime but that’s not to say I wouldn’t love it anyway. Generic doesn’t mean bad ANYWHO I’ll stop getting off topic

Met Yuri. I liked her, but did not and do not think she was best girl, I just felt her personality was most like mine. Because I am shy af when I first meet people and feel like I have to walk on eggshells even around people I’m comfortable with (cough cough my fam) to make sure I don’t “fuck up” when really most of my fuck-ups consist of accidentally not hearing something or just putting on a song I like on the radio and then everyone else hates it and I’m like “oh.. I suck”

and then I get “Quit it with that pity-partying bullshit” (PSA: Don’t say that to someone like Yuri especially, that will not help her, in fact don’t say that to anyone unless they’re really tough and can handle that kind of .. uh.. advice??? )

Met Natsuki.

… LOVE HER lOVE HER SO MUCH I WOULD DIE FOR NATSUKI I WOULD DIE

because I love tsunderes. That’s.. that’s literally it. The moment I saw her saying she didn’t make the cupcakes for me or anything, I knew true love was meant to be between us. She would be my route, and if that route ended with her trapping me in a basement and forcefeeding me poisonous cupcakes until I died and a graphic image of my internal organs exploding showed, that would be just fine. Love is an open door with a tsundere behind it, bitches.

Met Monika. Liked her. … That’s it, I just found her nice. Before the poem game, I had already decided Natsuki was the one true best girl and I was not doing Monika’s route until another playthrough (I assumed maybe her route was special and it unlocked after you beat the game once at the time). Hahahahahaha HELP

… aND THEN THE POEM GAME CAME.

And I immediately noticed Monika wasn’t even there to be “seduced” by my sexy words. I asked why this was, and I just got “that’s the question you should be asking”

…………………………………..

immediate suspicion of Monika, slight fear of the other girls as well.

The rest of the game goes by pretty smoothly for me though. I keep gradually finding Natsuki adorable as fuckin’ shit. The more I see her, the more I picture her in a bridal costume with me skipping down the aisle – well, her more grumpily walking and saying it’s not like she WANTED to be there marrying me or anything.

And then Sayori got sad.

… Really sad.

Like, suffering from depression.

I didn’t even have to wait for her confession or anything, I could tell by the way this was going that it wasn’t sadness, it was depression.

And I was like “oh, fuck.”

And then our dumbass protagonist WAITS A WHOLE DAY to visit her and she finally explains to her that she has depression and the way she describes it? To me? Is the most fucking heartbreaking thing in the whole game, especially coming from someone who has depression herself. Everything she said was, to me at least, 10000000% accurate and it hurt. It hurt in a very personal way. I’m not afraid to say I cried.

… I’m not afraid to say I still cry when that confession part comes up in other people’s playthroughs. It’s that poignant and truthful and painful to me.

And I was like “OH FUCK. I CAME HERE TO BE TORTURED WITH FEAR, NOT SADNESS. THIS IS GETTING REAL RIGHT HERE. THIS ISN’T RANDOMLY MURDEROUS FEMALES WANTING MY ASS LIKE I EXPECTED”

Also I baked with Natsuki, which was cute as shit, but I was also pissed as shit that the protagonist, who just realized his friend is suffering from an agonizingly painful mental illness, JUST CASUALLY THREW THAT SHIT UNDER THE RUG BECAUSE HEY. NATSUKI’S AT MY HOUSE DOKI DOKI DESU~~~~~

“Is it really okay for me to stop thinking about Sayori when she might need me?” NO. EVEN IF YOU DO THIS WITH NATSUKI, YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT SAYORI AT LEAST IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND BECAUSE SHE’S STILL IMPORTANT, YOU LUSTFUL JACKASS.

ahem

And then me and Natsuki were about to kiss and Bluebeard throws me another SHIT YES for support

And then SURPRISE SAYORI and Bluebeard goes SHIT NO and stays there while Natsuki runs away

And Sayori goes on more about her emotions because not only does she have depression, but she likes MC for whatever asinine reason and fears that she might feel something different for him than he does for her

Which, again, is a very real fear any person can have that can be greatly intensified by things like depression or anxiety

And the game gave me two options:

“You’ll always be my dearest friend.”

“I love you.”

… Meanwhile, Bluebeard is nudging the dumbass MC’s leg and saying, “Help her seek help and find a therapist. Say you know it’s hard, Can-Opener, but – is that really not going to be an option? Is this bastard that dumb? … Can I bite?”

That said, I chose “You’ll always be my dearest friend” because, imo, saying you experience romantic and sexual feelings toward a person when you honestly don’t just because they’re depressed will only hurt them even more when they inevitably find out the truth and your relationship flops.

Turns out either option would have ended in the same thing – which, also in my opinion, is fine. When you’re a person like MC (not asininely stupid, but you just don’t know about depression), you might not know what to say or how to help and these things can end in the worst. It happens all the time.

That’s why, the way I see it, Sayori’s suicide scene was one of the most poignant, well-executed, horrific, and upsetting things I have ever seen in a horror game.

I know people say it was just for shock value, but I – I honestly have to disagree. When you’re depressed, and I don’t care how clumsy you are, hanging might be the option you go with when you become crisis-level suicidal. And knowing that Sayori has struggled with this her entire life – knowing the context of the situation – I can’t say it was just for shock. You’re damn right it WAS shocking, but it wasn’t just for shock value. 

And the whole “mental illness is horror” thing – I think this is one of the most well executed examples of it. Because whether people like it or not, mental illness can be horrific because it drives innocent people like Sayori to hate themselves completely and to do these things to themselves. It’s taking something very real, something that could potentially happen and has happened – and throwing it right in your face. The trope isn’t bad if the illness itself is treated with respect, and I think this is one of the instances where it was. It didn’t just scream “MENTAL HOSPITAL!! PATIENT!! TRIES TO KILL YOU!!!! BECAUSE THEY’RE A MENTAL HOSPITAL PATIENT!!!! ZOMG!!ONE2!!” It didn’t have Sayori hang herself straight from the get-go and leave you wondering “… why the fuck?”

Mental illness as horror can be done right. Because it can be a horrific thing. I think one of the many ways it can go wrong is that often times (unfortunately) mental illness as horror is treated in such a way that the person themselves is horrific. Not the illness they’re suffering from. They’re horrific because they’re mentally ill. That’s a no-no. But that’s not something I got from Sayori.

With Yuri in the 2nd act, on the other hand, I can kind of agree. The way she began ogling over the player way more than before, THOSE EYES, the.. the scent on the last Yuri poem – I feel that was a bit overdone, and also framing her to be a monster.

However, while this was intentional, someone in the game screwing with the actual game’s fabric of reality was behind it – and it was acknowledged as wrong because Monika herself was behind it and making Yuri act that way – which again, was acknowledged as wrong. Sorry I keep repeating that. Even if it came off a little “ehhh…”, something acknowledging that as wrong is 10000x better than just – once again – “THEY’RE MENTALLY ILL SO THEY’RE SCAAARY. AND THAT’S NOT A WRONG, STIGMATIZING, MAKING-MENTALLY-ILL-PEOPLE-LOOK-LIKE-MONSTERS PORTRAYAL OF SHIT. WE’RE NOT APOLOGIZING FOR SHIT. DEAL WITH IT. IT’S SCARY.”

Monika as the antagonist was very well-done. I had no clue about it from the beginning, even though I felt something was off after the first poem game, and I didn’t reeeeally start suspecting her of shit until Sayori said the “Monika was right, I should just–” line

Holy shit

That’s an antagonist right there, and a fucked up one

So uh yeah. Doki Doki Literature Club.

9/10.

Not enough Natsuki.

[cottonsecurityblanket]

So I watched Citrus ⚠SPOILER WARNING⚠

And I have issues with it. Now Ive never read the manga a day in life. Ive seen fan art of it however and knew it existed but never what it was about. If im missing out on some parts message me and explain please. I’m not going to hate the show. I don’t hate the show at all. I just have issues with it. Now here’s my thoughts.

Note there’s only 5 episodes on Crunchyroll but here’s my thoughts so far

So Mei is the Class President and has been since she was a first year. Her grandfather is a Chairman of the school and Mei’s father marries Yuzu’s mother and they move to another district. For some reason Yuzu’s mom forgets to tell her that she’s got a younger step sister and for some reason Yuzu’s never seen her new stepfather. But Im gonna ignore that.

Yuzu wants to fall in love and get a first kiss and get a boyfriend. Nice plan for a high schooler. So she walks in and this girl with springy pig tails named Momokino gives her shit. Mei comes up and feels up and down Yuzu to get her phone from her pocket. Later on in the day she meets her friend Harumin. Harumin explains to her that everyones not outgoing and follows the strict rules. Oh and um everyone looks EXACTLY the same. Black and/or purpley hair, beige top, greenish plaid skirt, all shy and reserved.

So it’s implied all the girls in this all girl school fuck each other before they get married off to someone after high school. So fast forward and Yuzu finds the hot teacher and Mei kissing and later it’s said theyre supposed to be married to each other. Later in the day Mei goes to Yuzu and her moms apartment and then Yuzu making an effort to talk to Mei and get along as step sisters. Mei ignores her this entire time so Yuzu has to talk about a subject that’ll strike a nerve to get conversation. Mei takes her down and kisses her.

At that moment I do the Oprah gif where she’s squinting. It’s not incest cuz they’re not real sisters but I’m sure a good majority would argue it is and I can understand that but lets ignore the incest is wincest meme right now.

At this point Im sure Im missing a lot of aspects in the anime and manga. I know that there’s a good following for the manga but i haven’t seen much for the anime cept a few screenshots and comparisons to the manga. This is what I think about the characters and plot watching it blind I guess.

Mei….bothers me. Characters like her I have an issue with because they always initiate the first move like kissing them or some shit and then are always confused about why the Protag is so confused and can’t control their emotions. I don’t usually watch romance anime like this in fact the only one I liked was My Little Monster and Sakura Kiss but that’s another thing. I get it Mei you and your dad have a bad relationship and haven’t seen him in five years and you live alone. Alright I get it but that doesn’t give you the right to fuck with Yuzu like that.

I’ve seen a post that Mei is literally sexually assaulting Yuzu and that it’s a toxic relationship but I don’t wanna go that far. Ill just chalk it up to anime being anime. It’s not the first time we’ve seen characters force a kiss but back to the topic on hand.

Mei in the anime is such an unlikeable character. In Episode 3 Yuzu sees that Mei’s stuffed animal is ripped and she sews it back together as if nothing happened. Later in the episode when Yuzu has to stay at school late to clean the bathroom Mei goes through her stuff and finds a Manga named Peach Sisters and confronts her about it saying stuff like “if someone saw you with this theyd be disgusted” or “you should be ashamed.” so Yuzu kisses her and says all this is happening because she kissed her.

Finally we address the situation. Yuzu is absolutely right. All the shit that Mei detests so much is all her fault. She could’ve engaged in conversation and at least put in the same effort Yuzu was putting in and they would’ve bonded making the “romance” between them understanding. But no. Mei just completely ignores Yuzu and gives her the short end of the stick.

In episode 3 Mei says the only reason why she kisses her multiple times in the other episodes is to shut her up. But in episode 2 when the two girls fall in water Mei kisses and licks Yuzu’s neck while Yuzu is thinking about why she kissed her and Mei says “You looked like you wanted me to touch you.”

So what’s the truth Mei? Are you taking advantage of your older sister or are you not?

I hate Sasuke so much. Mei is starting to get close to that amount of hate. Yuzu is doing mental backflips to figure out her feelings and what to do while Mei is doing everything except thinking.

Oh yeah in episode 2 when Yuzu AGAIN tries to make an effort on what’s going on with Mei offering to help, Mei throws her on the bed and starts ripping her clothes off only to be caught by Old Grumpy Gramps. Yuzu is expelled and Mei does fuck all about it while in other times Yuzu stood up for Mei. In the begining of episode 2 while Mei gets chewed out by gramps Yuzu stands in front of her and says “if you want to get mad at someone get mad at me. She has nothing to do with this.” Gramps doesn’t listen and at the end of the episode gramps has a well deserved heart attack. And who helps him? Yuzu.

I think I’ve ranted about Mei enough now onto Yuzu. In the first episode she monologues to us about how she talks about having boyfriend’s and kissing them when she hasn’t even had her first kiss yet. I did the same thing in high school and Im sure others have too.

Yuzu is a likeable character. She’s blonde and has personality and very well rounded I guess? I don’t have problems with her. If anything I feel bad for her because of what Mei puts her through. It’s not only Mei. Is this other girl too. I can’t think of her name. Like this has taken me a few days to write when it shouldn’t. I think her names Kono-something but well get to her later.

Harumin is Yuzu’s friend in the situation and has NONE of an idea pf what’s going on with Yuzu and Mei however she’s there to help and is a pretty good friend. In episode 5 they share an indirect kiss when Harumin feeds Yuzu something from her lunch and they do it so naturally. As platonic as the relationship may be I prefer theirs over Yuzu and Mei’s SOOOOOOO much more. If this show threw a curveball and ended with Harumin and Yuzu being a thing I would NOT be upset and id accept it as such but that’s not gonna happen.

Now onto the friend. Her name is Kono or Kokno but for now let’s just call Kono. So she’s got purple hair with girl pigtails thats in curls and she’s the vice president. She’s known Mei for what seems like maybe Kindergarten? I dont know which school years are similar to ours (Im from America) but that’s just my guess. So Kono has this disdain for Yuzu because she doesn’t conform to rules and is all of sudden getting close to Mei. So after episode 3 in episode 4 she keeps asking Yuzu what the two did some conference room or what not and Yuzu doesn’t tell her so in Kono’s….trial to assert dominace over Yuzu she goes and licks and touches Mei’s ear. That turns into Mei moaning and then Kono slides her hand under her skirt and the scene cuts away to the afternoon sky. Later in the episode Kono tells Yuzu to meet her at a cafe or something and the two talk and Kono says they “crossed a line” which DOES NOT sound good by the way. Im not sure if that’s the english translation of what she said or what but it doesn’t sound okay (Im watching Sub). So Kono lies and says Mei wants NOTHING to do with Yuzu and never wants to see her again. Yuzu’s already thinking “but we live together”.

This whole time Im thinking the two might’ve fucked or something BUT in the episode 5 Mei tells her Kono made advances at her and she told her no or something. Kono sees the two walking outside of school and Mei tells her to stop putting weird thoughts in her head and Kono is sad and stands there.

In episode 4, Mei tells Kono that she and Yuzu are step sisters FINALLY and anytime Yuzu tries to be a good older sister Kono sees it as making advances on her.

I don’t like Kono. She’s very annoying. Im not sure if she was like that in the manga or not but again Im going in this anime blind.

She’s honestly very annoying and that’s just how I feel. Gets in the way and just don’t like her character.

Mei and Kono? Can’t stand Mei. Kono is…slightly tolerable.

Yuzu and Harumin? I like them. They have better chemistry than the romance intended.

I cannot stress how much context Im sure im missing and I WANT to read the manga and know stuff but sadly that’s just not possible. If ANYONE could link me to translated versions of it online great. Now Im gonna talk about the plot of this.

I don’t watch romance. The only two I watched and liked was Sakura Trick and My Little Monster. In the show My Little Monster there was plot. However little it was there was still plot but it kept it entertaining to watch. Sakura Trick barely had plot at all but it had a storyline and had lots of lesbian kisses. More than the entire anime industry combined and that’s where the show got it’s charm.

Another show I watched and liked called Yuru Yuri. The girls start a club. That’s it. Don’t ask anything more of them.

Citrus? If you asked what the plot was…I couldn’t give you a simple sentence answer. Im not sure…where this anime is going. I know they’ll end up together dispite them being step sisters but for the plot right now I have no clue what or where it is. I think it’s just me being stupid but right now I can’t really think of a plot. The closest I can think of is “two step sisters who have some things to work out.”

I don’t have any….comments on the animation. Modern. Clean. Looks nice for 2018 animation. Nothing really striking except when Yuzu is in uniform she’s very pleasing. Color scheme wise I mean. It’s no Ancient Magnus Bride so….I guess I mean….animation is okay I guess.

Overall, I don’t hate the anime. But I don’t love it. I have issues with it and Im going to continue to watch it cuz I want to see where this will go. I want to see Mei’s character growth and I want to see plot. I want to see this get good and I want to like this anime and Ill stick around as long as I can. After a few more episode’s Ill do a part 2 on what I think.

For now….3 outta 10. I’d have to have a lengthy conversation with someone before recommending this to them.

So those are my thoughts on the anime Citrus. If you wanna talk about it with me just DM me. If you’ve read the manga and what to give me context great. Thanks for that.

Considering doing anime reviews as a thing.

[idratherlivefreetofail]

Screenshots from THIS IS GETTING CREEPY | Doki Doki Literature Club Part 3. :) 

Oh my god that got really heavy and real all of sudden... I like it! :D  No seriously, I mean I know that this game is probably gonna get extremely crazy and fucked up soon and you definitely need to take those trigger warnings at the start seriously because this game doesn’t pack any punches. But at the same time I appreciate games or any form of media that accurately informs people of how seriously mental health is and how mental illnesses effects people. Depression isn’t something that can change by just being happier, Generalized Anxiety isn’t something that just goes away when you’re not scared for one day, etc. Mental illnesses when they’re extremely severe are a constant fight just for you to live your life and function every single day. It’s not just taking pills for it or changing your emotions and magically everything is fixed. It’s like you have to rewire your own brain so that your mental illness doesn’t control you anymore or get in the way of living your life. It’s a topic that needs to be taken seriously just as much as cancer and other severe physical illnesses need to be taken seriously and it’s sad that so many people act like it’s so simple to fix your brain and it’s not. I have severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder and a lot of family members I know have it as well and have depression too. I know mental illnesses aren’t even remotely easy to recover from. On the worst days with my anxiety I can’t even make simple decisions or have the energy to do anything because I can’t get my brain to stop feeling that irrational fear and sometimes I can’t even understand what I’m feeling in the first place. So these kind of topics are extremely important to me and that’s why I appreciate when any form of media not only addresses it and informs people about it but shows it accurately as well. The way Sayori talks about herself, her understanding her own feelings, just her depression general in this and these little mannerisms that she has like the nervous laughter too are extremely accurate for some people who have depression. Not every person with it because every person is different but definitely some people. Also with the game hinting at Yuri dealing with anxiety and self harm is really interesting too. Most people who I’ve known that have gone through self harm say that they mostly used it as a stress reliever so if she has anxiety as well I think that’s pretty accurate for that topic too. Plus something that I noticed in this was that her knife that she had and showed the main character had waves on the handle. The game points out that specific detail, now think back to her poem she wrote about the beach. I’m not gonna say anymore just know that I think there’s some sort of connection to that. xD Honestly I’m wondering what all the other girls in this game are going through too. I’m very engaged with this story and I felt so bad for Sayori in this and I’m worried that she killed herself or severely hurt herself because the game keeps building up to that! But that choice Seán had to make in this video about Sayori in this no matter what he picked it was gonna be a loose loose situation. 

So please if any of you out there are going through severe mental illnesses. I know that it’s hard but please know that you’re not alone with dealing with that and that help is out there for you! I don’t care what your brain tells you you’re not worthless and you’re not too fucked up in the head to get help. All I’m asking you is to try your hardest to find that energy and courage within you to find yourself help. Sometimes you may not find it right away unfortunately for many different reasons and the road to recover can be a long, slow and uncomfortable process because you’re so used to the way your brain makes you feel that it’s more comfortable to stay in that miserable mindset because you feel like you deserve it or that it’s not worth it in the end. But please listen to me when I say that you don’t deserve to feel like you’re worthless or that you don’t matter because you’re worth so much and matter just by simply existing. Like I said before the road to recover can be a long and uncomfortable process and even I’m still trying to get there myself with my anxiety but I know that it will be worth it in the end. We all deserve to have the chance to live our lives to the fullest.  So again, if any of you are going through a severe mental illness and you feel like it gets in the way of your life or that you feel like you want to hurt yourself. Then please try to find yourself help in someway. I’m sorry if I don’t sound very informed I’m only talking though my experiences and just what I believe in general. But I still want to say all of this because I think everyone person matters just by existing and being alive at this very moment. 

I’m really enjoying this game and this series so far and I can’t wait to see what happens next and see what kind of crazy stuff will happen in this game, haha! :)

[wearejustvisiting]

Doki Doki Literature Club: Review

So I finished Doki Doki Literature club a few days ago and took some time to stew on it. And I can definitely say that the end result is...not the great, deep, powerful psychological thriller that everyone is talking about. (did I play a different game or something?) But before we go on, I need to mention that this review is going to contain a massive amount of spoilers. Doki Doki Literature club is not something I recommend wasting our time with, but it is something I recommend looking into for yourself. Also, I am gonna have to say that if you are easily disturbed, stop reading. The game gets dark, almost to a hilarious degree.Good? Let's get going.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________ Doki Doki Literature club is a dating sim which has the problems of all other dating sims. You have skinny white girls of varying heights and busts all after your body in what can be described as some sort of disturbing fantasy, where the girls are awarded to you for sitting through the proper dialogue trees and clicking the right buttons. Make no mistake, the girls in this game aren't characters. They're trophies.

Well, for the first three hours anyhow. Then, in an actually surprisingly touching scene, it is found out that your childhood friend Sayori has...depression. I just want to say as someone with bipolar, depression is hard to get right in a game. But these guys, they got it right. Way right. Like, if the player character's "i know what's best for you" dialogue wasn't so damn creepy I might actually have thought that part of the game was worth a damn. But no. No it wasn't. Turns out that this, that Sayori having depression, is a preamble. An introduction to what this game thinks is creepy: Shock value.

If I were asked what the main problems of this game are, it would be:1: Characters.The characters are not good. Hell, not even their weird post-game-gets-fucked-with versions are any good. We have Sayori the dull, Natsuki the obnoxious, Yuri the shy, and Monika. She's evil. And you'll be able to tell within the first hour of the game (don't worry about pacing, I'll get to it)

To go a little more in depth with the characters, we should look at Sayori first. SAYORI: SCAPEGOAT OF THE AGES

Sayori is a ditzy childhood friend of yours with a good heart, who ends up killing herself at the end of act 1 for nothing more than shock value. Her In game death contributes to nothing. You could have just had her disappear, or have the death happen off screen. But no. Dan Salvato, the mastermind behind this, thought it was important, it was NECESSARY to make us sit through this. To go into her room and to look at her hanging, dead body. Dan seems to be a bit of a necrophiliac, since he sure does love making us look at dead people. Like...a lot. Let's be real, Sayori's death is just shock value. The game wants to seem more important than it actually is, so it throws a dead girl at the screen and hopes it creeps us out. To the point where in the back of the literature club's classroom, whenever something spooky is about to go down, a picture of Sayori's hanging body can be seen. They use this girl's death like a silent hill siren, and it doesn't make any fucking sense. THis is some sort of revolutionary psychological thriller, and yet all it's doing is using the suicide of some girl as a shocking little extra. It's heinous.

But Sayori's disappearance, the fact that she is NO LONGER AROUND is necessary. Because it launches us into a timeline split that...well, that I need to explain.

SIDE NOTEThis game's timeline splits when Sayori dies. Weird things start happening in game in an attempt to jumpscare you. We will be referring to the events before the death of Sayori as Timeline 1, or T1 for shor, and everything after that will be referred to as Timeline 2, or T2 for short. As Sayori dies in T1 in a pre-rendered, predetermined, stupid looking NIN ripoff cutscene, we won't be talking about her in T2...but that leads us into talking about:

YURI: AIN'T CREEPY GIRLS JUST THE CUTEST?

So in T1 we're introduced to Yuri, who is shy and sad and reads books and is just the most annoyingly boring garbage. She's kinda considered the brooding member of the party, the one who doesn't really talk much. She's got a rough exterior, but inside she is just such a sad, soft, lonely little bird! Isn't this how ALL shy, reclusive women are!?

T1 Yuri is kinda boring, but she's the one I got stuck with due to arbitrary choices I made during the beginning of the game which I now kind of regret making. She's not really an interesting character, though the game definitely tries hard to make her interesting in T1.

It's revealed that she likes weird books. One book, which isn't a real book, is about humans being experimented on while they're still alive and conscious. Which, now that I think about it , is kind of symbolic for the game in and of itself. As in, you feel like the government is testing how long you can stay awake. I nearly failed the experiment. Multiple times.

This is supposed to add depth to the character. We're supposed to think she is more interesting than she actually is. This is furthered by the fact that she likes collecting knives. It's seen as this weird, horrifying thing by the game's plot, but...I mean, it's a knife collection. It's nothing to be afraid of. Unless we're talking about T2 Yuri, that is. T2 Yuri is about as threatening as a 4 year old pretending to be a police officer. Sure, she's got a brand new yandere coat of paint recklessly shellacked onto her, but it's not creepy apart from like...a jumpscare or two.

SIDENOTE: Yandere is this stupid anime trope that essentially makes a girl 'crazygonuts' for you to the point where she's willing to kill or be killed for you. It's stupid, I know. But apparently to people who don't know how obsessive personality disorder works, this is hot. Or something. It sure as shit ain't compelling.

T2 Yuri is one of this game's many failures of good character building. This character COULD have been interesting. She could have bee a character fighting with her obsession against the Monika character (She's my least favorite, we'll get to her) and had really honest, gut-wrenching scenes about fighting with her inner self.

But literally, in the game, the most disturbing thing T2 Yuri does is masturbate with a pen you dropped. That's it. That's as weird as it gets. Sure, there is stuff that's supposed to be more disturbing. She self harms, and you are forced to look at the results of that self harm. Because Dan Salvato thinks that if you're forced to look at it, you're going to somehow be really freaked out by it.

Once again, someone's mental illness and self harm is used not as character development, but as shock value. You are not supposed to feel for Yuri, you are supposed to be scared of Yuri. Anyways, she kills herself in the middle of a conversation with you and you're forced to sit through the worst paced scene in gaming history. But Pacing is a totally different section of the review. We'll get to it. Trust me.

NATSUKI: DEATH OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Due to the fact that I was arbitrarily handed over to Yuri in the first timeline of the game, I don't know too much about T1 Natsuki. I know that she's cranky and that she's got a bloodsugar problem, or something.

To be fair, she actually starts out as a great character. We're drip-fed hints through dialogue and poems about her that are giving us hints about her life at a deliciously teasing pace. It draws you in you get interested. But in T2, I can tell you EXACTLY the line that made me give up on her. The EXACT PIECE of dialogue, it will be etched into my brain for years to come. The line that told me 'wow, these writers have NO fucking clue what they're doing'

"My father would beat the shit out of m if I found out"

...Okay. Not only do we later find out that she wasn't actually the one who said this line later in the game. Not only is it disrespectful to people who have gone through that trauma. But it kills this character's good writing.

Let's take a step back and learn how to write trauma. 

SIDENOTE: Good writing of a traumatic character comes down to how the character behaves due to their trauma. For example: Nick Wilde from Zootopia is an untrustworthy kind of guy, who never puts stock in anything unless it's proven to work. He's also the victim of (what is essentially) a racially motivated hat crime. This doesn't excuse his actions, but it explains them. The trouble with Natsuki is that it's revealed too early on. If we had figured out with Nick Wilde that that stuff happened to him, say, five minutes after meeting the character, that would be total bullshit. But with T2 Natsuki, we learn too early what's going on. It kills the ability to figure out the character for yourself, and it destroys the buildup to what would have been a better reveal later in the game.

Because there are SO MANY BETTER REVEALS to Natsuki having an abusive father later in T2. But no. Once Again, Dan Salvato didn't want to let his writing about traumatic events slip past you. It tells us something when he doesn't even expect the player to pick up subtext that becomes surtext later on in the game. What I'm trying to say is that if Natsuki's abuse had been revealed later in the game, the character would have felt more compelling. But here we are, in the middle of T2, getting all these AMAZING hints to something that we already know. Because Dan Salvato does not think you're smart enough to get it yourself.  

As for T2 Natsuki's death, it's...I mean it's there. Her eyes bleed, her neck snaps, she jumpscares you...It's not creepy for more than like three minutes. But what irks me is they have the balls to NOT actually kill her. She lives. She's back five minutes later.

Her death wasn't even a real death. This entire character was just a waste of time. All because Dan Salvato REALLY wanted to get another creepy silent hills death in there.

MONIKA: FLOWEY, BUT LESS INTERESTING

They say behind every great villain is a great motive. Which is why Monika's Motive sucks. She sucks as a villain, and yet EVERYONE seems to like her for some reason. I liked her better when she was flowey and the game was undertale and we had actual goddamn GAMEPLAY.

SIDENOTE: So in Undertale, the 2015 Toby Fox masterclass in indie game making, there's this character called Flowey who is fully aware that undertale is a game. He is fully aware of it. And he is REALLY GOOD at messing with the player. Deleting saves, crashing and bricking the game, etc. But Flowey is also good because of his motive. He only wants to kill you because he has grown tired of time and time again sitting through the same thing over and over, he got tired of having no feelings. So he started Killing. Monika has a...somewhat similar makeup.

Before we go on, I want to say that Monika being the villain is haphazardly revealed in like the first hour and a half of the game or something. On the second day of T1 she starts talking about saving the game and reloading the game, but then hastily backtracks over herself. Sure. Sure you don't know what that means.

Whereas flowey got a good introduction and good development (and a neat theme song) Monika gets (along with lumbar scoliosis) a fisher price version of villainy. She's really just a cold hearted monster with no development or any REAL motive. Her actions are cowardly at best.

Monika will 'delete' characters from he game, even though she doesn't really. She also messes with the games settings to get things going her way. Why is this? What is her motive to coding herself into the game like this and taking it over?

She wants to date the Player. Not the player CHARACTER, mind you, but the player themselves.

THIS IS THE MOST STUPID SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND

Let's analyze the two big problems with this:

1: She knows she's inside a game (and insults YOU, the PLAYER, for not knowing it was a game even though you obviously do) so why would she want to date the PLAYER if she knows she can't get into the real world?

2: People have pointed this out as a joke, but if she wanted to date the player so bad, then why didn't she just code herself a playable path? She's proficient enough at manipulating the game to supposedly get to the game's command line. Can she not just...give herself a path?

We also learn that Monika is manipulating the other characters to say things to try and scare the player character off. But if she REALLY wanted the player, why even bother? Just write into a poem that that's what is going on. Don't pussyfoot around it either, just straight up tell me. Natsuki got to tell me something was wrong with Yuri, so why couldn't Monika just at the beginning of the game be like 'yo I wanna get jiggy with it'??

I've heard people describe DDLC as a game that insults the tropes of dating sims and trivializes them. But...if the villain's motive is to, in the end, date the player, that kills it as a piece of subversive narrative. It further approves the idea that every character in a dating sim wants to sleep with you and ONLY you. Even the ones you can't normally get with in the game.

There are other problems with this game; However, the second biggest problem is definitely 2: Pacing So a former developer for Maxis games and former writer for Gamepro, Soren Johnson, describe fun in games like this.

Total fun=meaningful decisions/time played

Essentially, this means that the amount of fun a player has ins equal to how many decisions the player makes over the time they play. In a fun game like Skyrim, you make a lot of meaningful decisions in a little amount of time. So even though Skyrim is longer (Hell, I've probably sank at least 800 hours into that game across two whole platforms) I have a lot of fun with this game. DDLC's crimes against pacing are egregious. This game doesn't start getting to the creepy stuff that its fans tout as groundbreaking until FIVE HOURS into the game. Imagine getting a horror game, but having to sit through a schooday's worth of just tensionless, boring nothing.

While T1 has a pacing problem with slowness, T2 has one with quickness. It seems like after that first barrier of a character death got broken, DDLC decided to blow its load all over the damn place. Creepy thing after shocking thing until you just become numb to it. It's either too slow or too fast. And then...then there's the final weekend. As mentioned earlier, Yuri kills herself in T2. Now, you would expect a normal person who just saw a woman kill herself in front of them go to the police, or scream for help, or run all over the building in terror. What do you do? What happens?

You sit there. With the corpse. For THREE. IN. GAME. DAYS. YOU'RE EXPECTED TO SIT AND CLICK A SCREEN WITH A SLOWLY DECOMPOSING BODY ON IT FOR 45 GODDAMN MINUTES.

 I legit thought my game was broken. I had to look it up and make sure, and if you have to LOOK UP a solution to a dating sim, that's just...that's just bad design. Monika writes this off, saying that the 'script of the game' is broken, but we know the deal. Once again, Dan Salvato thinks that forcing you to sit through a traumatic event is going to scare you even more. 

But after having sat through three hours of 'ooky spooky' bullshit, I didn't care. I wanted the game to be broken because I wanted to be done.

3: Was there anything good? There were two good things about this game, and both of them are easy to explain. So forgive me.

Credit where credit is due, some of the jpeg and music manipulation was good. It wasn't nearly enough to save the game, sure, and I still wouldn't reccomend it since you can find all these creepy effects the game pulls on the internet. Bu some of the manipulation techniques were legit kinda creepy.

And the file manipulation in the computer, outside of the game, blurring the line between diegetic and non-diegetic  (Diegesis referring to what is and isn't in the universe of a piece of media, e.g. background music in non-diagetic but dialogue is diagetic) was really cool. I haven't seen stuff like that since Imscared back in 2013, and that game was legitimately terrifying. I felt like a genius trying to figure some of this stuff out.

Other than that, I mean...I guess the game IS free...i doesn't take up TOO much space on my hard drive...

4: CONCLUSIONit feels like the people who wrote this game wanted to write a creepy pasta. I can imagine this being some creepy story passed around forums i 2014, being talked about. Having its own little mini fandom on tumblr, maybe a stupid living tombstone song about it. I can imagine people making fangame versions of this creepy pasta, even down to bloody eyes and hyper realistic blood and all those little creepy pasta tropes. If this had been like Sonic.exe, a fad that we all forgot about and eventually brought into the realm of parody? That would at least be more entertaining than what we got.

Instead we got a bunch of writers who can't write and artists who watch too much anime to know how real clothes and breasts work, who in all honesty probably didn't want to hang out with nerdy game programmers and Just didn't put in their all. The programmers obviously wanted this game more than the writers did.

This game isn't worth the $0.00 it's charging for the standard product.

 If you just want to play a piece of good metafiction, stop playing DDLC, get a job, and go buy a PS2 with Metal Gear Solid 2 on it.

 If you want a good 'game about games' just bite the bullet and spend $15 bucks on undertale.

 If you want a free indie horror game that really gets under your skin, go get Yume Nikki. Trust me, that one's a real ride.

I also have problems with he music of this game, but that's a rant for another time. All I want to say is that you can do better.

 You can do so much better. 

Let this be a reminder that just because a game is free and has cute anime girls and a weird premise, doesn't mean it will all be good.

No matter how much it wants you to believe it is.

[eeemarvel]

Concept #72

Villain takes people hostage and tells Hero to meet their demands or else they’ll kill one every hour. The problem? Hero is asleep and has no idea this is happening.

Bonus points if they’re sleeping due to illness or injury or just plain exhaustion

@morallygreyprompts thank you <3

Victor wasn’t sure what it was about the holiday season in Spring Gate, but it was like whatever crazy dust the villains were snorting on a daily basis had suddenly and completely run out, thus driving them all insane.

Victor wasn’t sure what it was about the holiday season in Spring Gate, but it was like whatever crazy dust the villains were snorting on a daily basis had suddenly and completely run out, thus driving them all insane.

It was Christmas Eve, the day before his birthday, and he was running around town, chasing villains. Not that he minded. Snapping cuffs on villains kept his mind off of things. The move to Spring Gate. His new job as a hero. The fact that he was the only hero in America who wasn’t retired… It was all so nerve-racking, but the media couldn’t stop singing his praise.

Which only made him more nervous, because what if he screwed up? The thought constantly nagged him, even as he snapped yet another pair of nano-cuffs onto a new thief, Fanfare. The police stuffed him away into the back of a van then crowded around Victor.

“You changed your suit again!”

“Is it true you’re only twenty-two? You’re so young to be this good!”

“Where did you train?”

“Did you go to The Grand Prix Academy? My sister and I went there, so maybe we know you!”

“I heard a rumor you were a police officer!”

“That doesn’t make sense, he’s only nineteen…”

“Twenty-two!”

“No, The Weekly Cape confirmed he was twenty-three…”

“That rag?! You actually get your information from the Cape?”

“Officers,” Victor held his hands up as a kind of flimsy fence. He felt overwhelmed. “Uh, thank you so much for your service. I think I should get going now.”

“Already?!”

“Uh, well, I think something might be happening on the south side…” he fibbed, feeling attacked, and static crinkled in his ear. Saved by the Boss. He held up an apologetic finger and turned away to answer Yakov on his comm link.

“Winter. Status report,” Yakov barked.

“Fanfare has been apprehended and is in transit. Lovemary, Captain Ahab, and Juice have also been apprehended and should be touching down at Ares Island within the hour.”

“Good work. It’s almost three so you shouldn’t have too much to worry about now. Do your rounds, report back in, then you’re done.”

“Copy that,” he said and Yakov clicked out as he turned back to the officers. “Duty calls,” he said weakly as he backed away and he felt guilty when he saw their crestfallen faces. Talking to the public, even if it was just officers was still so…hard even though he’d been doing this for two years now. He jogged up a block, the wintry air barely making him shiver, and thought about how he could’ve handled that differently. Should he have made a joke? Or given them gifts? That was ridiculous. Yakov never gave civilians gifts just because… Just the idea was absurd. He tried to imagine himself carrying around a large sack of wrapped presents like a flaming fuchsia Santa, just to have handy in case anyone asked him a question he was too nervous to answer.  

At least he only had his rounds left. Taking a few leisurely laps around the city would help him to relax. He was so mentally spent. Usually, he took down about one or two four-star villains a week. Today, he’d taken down six. By himself. Was it weird to think that hero work was lonely? He couldn’t talk to his best friend after all, not after last month when he officially debuted as an international jewel thief. Why, Chris? Victor could’ve helped him… He wished Chris had talked to Victor… told him something, anything.

And what would he have told you, stupid?

What could someone like Chris tell his best friend, a hero, if he were moonlighting as a cat burglar? I’ve got sticky fingers and I need your help? Victor found himself not caring at all that Chris was a criminal, because he just wanted his friend back. He wanted to bitch and moan about how he couldn’t find the right costume even though Billy was a great if not eccentric designer. About how Yakov and Lilia were officially split up. About all the criminals in Spring Gate. About Celestino’s new hair. About how he hadn’t seen Yuri in a few weeks now. About how he was thinking of cutting his own hair and what style Chris thought would be good for him… There was so much to tell his friend and he had no idea how to even contact him.

He almost bumped into a staggering pedestrian, definitely drunk, and Victor grabbed the man’s shoulders to steady him. The man slurred Victor’s hero name adoringly as he fell against Victor’s chest.

“You all right, buddy?” Victor asked awkwardly, trying hard not to think about vomit.

“You’re the nicest man in the world,” the man blubbered into Victor’s shoulder. He was putting all his weight on Victor and he reeked of something cheap and strong. “Sooo kind…”

“I’m going to call you a taxi, ok?” And to Victor’s horror, the man burst into tears. He tried to get a better look at the man’s face around his wild bushy hair. “Uh, are you ok?!”

“Yes!”

“W-why are you crying then?”

“Because you’re so fucking nice! And you smell so nice too!”

“Ah, right then,” Victor, with some effort because the man really was leaning his entire body on him, pulled his cell out of his pocket and dialed a taxi service. After making the call, he gently tried to coax the man into an upright position but he groaned and convulsed.

Victor stepped back just in time as the man was violently sick on the sidewalk. Chris, help me. He tried not to gag. He just needed to breathe through his mouth. He gently took the man’s hand to pull him away from the puddle he’d made.

“I think you should sit down,” Victor said and eased him down on to the asphalt. He held his hand out and procured a cup made of ice and filled it to the brim with water. He handed this to the man who giggled.

“Bottom’s up,” he mumbled and downed it all as if it were a shot. He gave the empty container an affronted look as if it had lied to him and he threw the ice into the street.

“Better…?”

He closed his eyes. Rested his head against the building behind him. “It’s finally quiet,” he sighed.

A few minutes later, the taxi pulled up, and Victor was afraid the man was in no position to tell the driver where he lived. His suspicions were confirmed when Victor asked only to be answered by a fit of hysterical giggles. Victor searched the man’s pockets and didn’t find a wallet or even a set of keys. He scratched his head and turned to the driver.

“Can you take him to this address?” He asked as he handed over a business card for History Maker. The headquarters weren’t official yet as it was just a small office downtown. Lilia wanted to move to a bigger space. Yakov saw no reason to and Victor agreed since he was the only hero there. In any case, Yakov would be there, and maybe the man could sleep on the couch in the waiting room until morning. He paid the taxi driver who looked put upon, gently hoisted the man into the back seat, and continued his rounds. He checked his phone.

2:50. He guessed he earned a break. He slipped into an alley to deactivate his suit and power down. He walked a block to a seven eleven to buy cheetos and an iced coffee and ignored the weird look he got from the cashier. He strolled down the dark street, thinking about how the drunk man was right–it really was quiet now– and finally found a place to sit and eat on a bus stop bench. He sighed as he sat down and a wave of exhaustion hit him.

He hadn’t realized just how fatigued he was until he sat down. His muscles felt heavy in his arms as he lifted his coffee to his lips. It was good coffee, he thought. He blinked and when he opened his eyes again, he realized he was still holding the cup to his lips. Had he taken another sip? The cup slipped in his hands and he jumped, frightened at the sudden movement. Catching it just in time, he set it down on the bench next to him. He’d drink it later… he pulled at the bag of cheetos.

Why was it difficult to open? Stupid chips. He just needed to take his time. Then they’d open for sure.

*

“We interrupt this broadcast to bring you breaking news from downtown Spring Gate where a hostage situation has broken out at a McDonald’s on sixth. We have Hisashi Morooka on the scene now. Morooka, what can you tell us?”

“Well, as you can see, West, the restaurant has been surrounded by police cars and authorities are at a stand still as the hostage taker has made demands that have not yet been made public…”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, West, but it seems that the hostage taker is a super power so our officers are exercising caution. I think we’re looking at a fire type, and I have just gotten word that there are roughly eleven hostages.”

“Any word from our heroes, Morooka?”

“Not yet. As you know, Winter Torch has had quite the Christmas Eve, cleaning up Spring Gate since early yesterday– ah, and it seems like our hostage-taker is coming out! He’s got a woman in his arms, West and–”

“WINTER! TORCH! WINTER! TORCH! COME HERE! NOOOOOOW!”