#having a really Shit time with assignments lately folks

[theygender]

I just finished writing a discussion post for my class RIGHT AT 11:59 PM. And then when I hit submit, it popped up an error message that said "access denied" and told me I needed to log back in 🙃 so my post I guess just got sent into the fucking trash because it LOGGED ME OUT while I was writing it. And now I can't go back in bc the assignment is closed. I'm going to throw something into a wall

[just-late-roman-republic-things]

How was voting done in ancient rome?

Anon...you sent me down a whole rabbit-hole...and I'm still not quite sure I understand it all. But here's how I think it worked, and I welcome any corrections from folks who know more.

Rome's voting system changed a lot over the years. We have the most information about the late republic, so let's focus on that:

(I've left out the Curiate Assembly, which was mostly irrelevant at this point, and some other fiddly bits.)

Tribes and Centuries

If you were a Roman voter, you would be part of both a tribe and a century. Your tribe roughly meant which "region" your vote was associated with, though by the late republic people had moved around so much that didn't really mean anything. Your century was assigned by censors based on your wealth status. Only male citizens could vote, not women, slaves or non-Roman residents.

When you voted, the majority of your tribe or century's votes would all be counted as one vote in the election. If 60% of your tribe voted for Lucius Tiddlypuss, but you were one of the 40% who voted for Gnaeus Nautilus, tough shit. Tiddlypuss gets one vote counted and Nautilus gets nada.

To make things worse, not all tribes or centuries were equally powerful. The wealthiest centuries (equestrians and "first class enlisted") were much smaller than the poor and working-class centuries, so rich people's individual votes counted for more. And they got to vote first, and the election was over as soon as a candidate reached a majority of total votes, so poor centuries often didn't get to vote at all.

The tribal voting system was a little more fair. Its voting order was randomized. But since all elections took place in Rome, the rural voters who could make it were usually small in number - and rich enough to travel. So rural tribes were disproportionately powerful. Plus, the tribes were of different sizes again, so (for instance) freedmen's votes could be "diluted" by concentrating them in a few big urban tribes. Still, the tribal system was seen as more representative of the lower classes in practice.

On the upside, by this era, elections and plebiscites had written ballots that you could cast secretly. This reduced the power of patrons over their clients, and masters over freedmen.

Voting for People

To elect higher magistrates, like consuls, censors and praetors, you have to gather with your century in the Centuriate Assembly outside the city walls. Why? Because the Centuriate Assembly is technically based on soldier ranks, classed by how much gear each soldier could afford, and you can't be within Rome's city limit while in military formation. The tops "enlisted"-level centuries vote first, each century's vote counts for 1, then the equestrians vote in their groups, and so on until a candidate reaches over 50% of the total possible votes.

(Note: Cicero refers to 193 centuries, so most scholars believe that was the number in his lifetime. But not everyone agrees, and the Centuriate Assembly seems to have been reorganized a few times.)

Now let's vote for lower offices, like curule aediles, quaestors and military tribunes. The pontifices are also elected here. You can go back inside Rome's walls now, because the Tribal Assembly sorts voters into tribes, not military ranks. The order in which the tribes vote is randomized (in theory). If you're voting for a pontifex, only 17 random tribes out of 35 get to vote. Or, if you're living between 81 and 63 BCE, you don't get to vote for pontifices at all. Blame Sulla for that.

Finally, we'll vote in the tribunes of the plebs and plebeian aediles. If you're one of the 90%+ of Romans who are plebeian, you'll vote in the Plebeian Council, which works just like the Tribal Assembly except that there's a big "No patricians allowed!!" sign. Only plebs can vote, and only plebs can run for these offices!

Or at least, that's how most historians think it worked. It's not actually clear if the Plebeian Council was another name for the Tribal Assembly, a separate entity, or merged into it at some point. So whenever I say "Plebeian Council," put a mental asterisk after it.

Once someone is elected as a quaestor, tribune of the plebs, or a higher rank, he stays in the Senate for life unless the censors kick him out or a trial strips him of office. This year's consuls and praetors will become next year's proconsuls and propraetors, who govern provinces and sometimes take on other special assignments. Pontifices also hold their priesthoods for life, and can take on other jobs, too.

Voting for Laws

We've elected our dudes! Can you go home? Nope! Rome also has a lot of plebiscites, or referendums.

Most laws came from the Senate. The Senate voted on a bill, usually proposed by a consul, and if a majority of Senators approved the bill would go to the Plebeian Council. Most of the time, the Plebeian Assembly approved the bill, and it became law. But sometimes it refused, and the bill would either die, or have to be revised in the Senate before the Council would vote on it again.

Occasionally a tribune of the plebs would propose a bill directly to the Plebeian Council, without getting Senate approval first. Or, more rarely, a higher magistrate might. This was a great way to piss off the Senate! However, if the bill passed, the Senate had to abide by it anyway.

Changes to the System

Even just in the 54-year period I chose, the rules shifted sometimes. The biggest change was Sulla's constitutional reform, in which:

Tribunes of the plebs could no longer propose legislation or hold higher offices.

Thus, nearly all legislation came from the Senate instead of the Plebeian Council.

Pontifices were chosen by other pontifices, no longer elected.

The number of magistracies and overall size of the Senate was expanded.

Holding a magistracy of quaestor-level or higher automatically enrolled its holder in the Senate; before, that had to be ratified by the censors.

And more details, not related to elections and plebiscites, that I won't go into here.

Some of these changes were rolled back after Sulla's death. Tribunes were restored to their full powers by 70 BCE, and pontifices became publicly elected again from 63 onward.

Rome's last fully "free" elections took place in 50 BCE. After that, Caesar's civil war and dictatorship, his habit of appointing his supporters to government offices, and even more civil wars all fouled everything up. Augustus restored regular elections, but didn't step down, so they became little more than a popularity contest with no real power.

If you rewind back in time, you'll see other changes, too. Before 104 BCE, pontifices were chosen by other pontifices, just like Sulla preferred. Before 219, the Plebeian Council needed the Senate to ratify its laws, and before 287, its laws only applied to plebs. If you go way back to the 5th century, the Curiate Assembly I left out starts being relevant. There was a gradual shift toward the Plebeian Council gaining more power over time, and patrician-only offices gradually being opened to plebeians.

Once again, I'm not a historian, so please let me know if I got something wrong. Thank y'all for reading this long-ass post!

[pancake-breakfast]

I always forget to do stuff for ace awareness days, but I've remembered today, so I'm gonna take a second to talk about some of the struggles I've had being ace, and heteromantic grey-ace in particular.

Erasure: Oh, you want to be in a relationship? Surely you're not really ace, then. You're grey-ace? Sounds like you're just picky. You go for people of the opposite gender from the one you were assigned at birth? Not queer enough. I don't mean to say someone like myself doesn't face fewer problems with their queerness than others; there's no way in hell I deal with the level of shit some of y'all put up with. I "pass," especially when set in US purity culture. But this does not mean I experience sexuality the way most people do, and pretending I do causes all sorts of issues for both me and any partners I might pursue.

Realizing One's Ace-ness to Begin With: To the best of my understanding, this is incredibly common in the ace community. We're told we'll grow into it, that we're just late bloomers, that we haven't found the right person, and for AFAB people, that "women are just less into sex than men." All of this means it's not exactly uncommon for people not to realize they're ace until their mid-20's or later, often after they've been through a few relationships where they allowed things to go past their comfort levels because that's what's expected of someone in a relationship.

Loss of Meaningful "Friendships": I'm sure this happens to everyone to some degree, but it seems particularly cruel that a number of close friendships I've had pretty much evaporate overnight when it finally sinks in to the other person that I will not have sex with them. Usually, I'm completely unaware that all the time we've spent hanging out and chatting and bonding was them trying to build to a sexual relationship in the first place. I thought we were just really good friends and deeply valued what I thought was a platonic relationship only to have a rude awakening when all the times I said, "I'm ace," finally sink in. This is why I usually leave of the "grey" part when describing my asexuality. Anything else usually implies there's more hope to people than there generally is. Of all the "friendships" I've lost this way, the number that have gone on to become something healthy and platonic is... one.

Society isn't Built for Ace Folk: I'm a pretty strong introvert. I like my alone time. I like my space. But it's INCREDIBLY difficult to live on one's own, especially these days. It's not just the expectation that any household needs to pull two full-time incomes to stay afloat. It's the little things. If I'm sick, no one else is around to help keep the place clean or do the groceries or pick up medicine or drive me to the doctor's. A lack of platonic social spaces mean there's no one I can rant to in person about my patio birds or this Cool Thing I found while out and about. Who do I go to when I need a shoulder to cry on or a hug or just not to be alone with my anxiety for a bit? This is not to diminish my in-person friends, but they have their own lives and few of them live close by, so sometimes even when they want to be there, they can't. And if I do reach out to them too much, people are quick to question our relationship. That can interfere with any romantic relationships the friend has, or put either or both of us in an awkward situation. Sometimes, it leads to a closeness that the other person feels, but I don't reciprocate. It is hard to know that your life will always be more difficult because you refuse to take a sexual partner.

One of these days, perhaps I'll write something up about some of the nicer things about being ace, but today, this is what I want to share. May it help those of you who are on the ace spectrum feel a bit more seen and a bit less alone, and may it help those of you who have ace people you care for in your lives understand things a bit better.

[lilaccoffin]

Have not used tumblr to write about ocs in a long time but, LET'S GO! I'm thinking about Vanilla and Chai's college days…….

Sooo, Vanilla was that student that was always nervous about staying on top of assignments and doing well on tests and it had him in a constant state of panic and discomfort. He met Chai while running to his next class 'cause he slept in pulling off an all nighter to study and ran right into Chai, almost causing him to fall off the second floor of the building. Thankfully, Vanilla yanked him back before he could either get seriously injured or die. (Knowing Chai and his weird durability, he probably would've been fine) Vanilla then recognized him as a classmate for the very class he was running late to and was like, "You know we have a test today, right?" to which Chai just shrugs at him.

They get to class, Vanilla rushes to get through the test before time's up while Chai takes his sweet time getting out his pencil and scan-tron. Afterwards, Vanilla comes up to him to apologize again for nearly sending him plummeting and Chai waves it off all, "Eh, I've been through worse." Vanilla just looks around nervously at the 0 shits this guy gives and they walk out of class together. He notices a button on Chai's backpack for a band they both like and he starts talking to him about their latest album, prompting Chai to show interest in the conversation. Vanilla smiles and is like, "Ooooh, so that's what you care about? Not tests or nearly dying, but music?"

They hit it off well while they stop by the cafeteria to eat and keep talking about music and bands and other things. They introduce themselves, to which Chai tells Vanilla to remember his name 'cause he's looking at the next biggest rock star coming onto the scene. Vanilla looks at him in awe because he also wants to make music and tells Chai that he's majoring in it. He also lets it slip that he lied to his parents about studying to become a lawyer. His folks are the strict types who want him to have a "real" career and, well, you know how that goes. Chai smirks and teases him about it like "Whoa, so you're not just a teacher's pet trying to get all A's, huh? There's a rebel in there!"

Turns out these two have a few other classes together, so they get to hang out more and Vanilla ends up studying for two since Chai is a slacker. Vanilla's other friends take note of this and are kind of pissed, but Vanilla is too busy being excited about having a new friend to notice. I mean, wow! A new bud that shares a lot of his musical opinions and who also struggles with his rock star dream? Where Chai can't use his right arm fully, Vanilla's autism results in him having a monotone voice that doesn't let him sing in the loud 'n lively way he wishes he could. He finds comfort in his friendship with Chai, and he doesn't recognize the issues with it right away.

On top of Vanilla kind of bearing the brunt of their studies, Chai also convinced him to slack occasionally and skip class every now and then to go to the record shop or arcade to hang. Even though he could be a bad influence, Chai was an okay friend most of the time. But overall? Not the best. He was a decent hype man when they'd chill at Vanilla's dorm and Vanilla would practice songs! It was fun hearing what he came up with after long, boring lectures. Whenever he was around Chai, Vanilla was a lot less anxious and could relax, and Chai felt pretty cool over Vanilla's genuine interest in what he had to say. (I'm in the camp of folks that think Chai has a lot of issues regarding friendships and letting people into his life, and a lot of this stems from bullying and bad past friends.) It was nice that Vanilla was always excited to see Chai! However, Chai still couldn't help but feel a bit squirmy about it at times. Not really used to someone being excited to be around him......especially not after he began to adopt that difficult personality of his that would piss Peppermint off frequently in the future. He struggled with a bit of imposter syndrome at times because he tricked Vanilla into thinking he was the cool guy he made himself up to be.

Regardless, they had a lot of fun before Chai dropped out of college. The event that would lead him to make that decision would involve a professor of theirs inviting a band the boys both liked to their class to speak with the students about the music industry and other music related topics. After the talk, Vanilla was in awe, telling Chai how inspiring the band is and how he feels hyped up to write more songs. Chai would off-handedly say something about going up to them and sharing the latest song he'd just finished with the band not thinking Vanilla, who always considers anything Chai says, would actually DO IT. The band ended up really liking the song and they decided to play some of it for Vanilla for fun before putting away their instruments. It nearly made the lad faint!

It was an epic moment! But...Chai couldn't help but think about his own musical "progress" after seeing Vanilla get that bit of recognition. He was slacking so much in school, and his grades reflected that. It wasn't entirely his fault, he cared about most of the subjects, but the education system can be some real bull crap and the ableism some of these professors exhibited wasn't exactly encouraging. He'd get to thinking about how he couldn't play guitar any time Vanilla would practice a new song on his. It all just started to really dawn on Chai that...maybe he didn't have a future in any of this? On top of that, Vanilla was doing more than he had to by trying to help Chai with their classes, and despite how self-centered Chai could be, he felt guilty for that. A lot of this mixed with Chai's inferiority complex and fear of rejection (thank u Chai's wiki page for putting that into words for me) brings his mood down and it leads to Chai and Vanilla's falling out.

Well, days after that event, Vanilla noticed Chai was being less silly and loud lately, and after the two agreed to a late night snack run to hang out on the roof of the physical ed building, he decided to bite and ask Chai what was up. Chai refused to talk about it, playing it off like there's nothing going on, and initially, Vanilla believed him! So he started talking about a new song he'd started working on, and how he's excited to hear Chai's opinion on it. The more Vanilla shares it, the more Chai starts to get frustrated. Why did Vanilla want his opinion? The guy who can't keep up with his straight A grades and who hasn't written a single song himself? Is this a joke? He realizes he's slipping into that negative thinking he does when his inferiority complex kicks in and tries to regain his cocky, confident attitude. But the more Vanilla shares and gives him a look of admiration, the more it gets under Chai's skin and he ends up tearing into Vanilla's song, calling it bad and letting out his own frustrations with himself as he insults the piece. Vanilla is embarrassed by Chai's words and tries his best to laugh through the remarks. He thanks Chai for the feedback and takes the critique as an opportunity to bring up the idea of them starting a band together. Vanilla says he could handle playing guitar for Chai and Chai could handle vocals for him. They could be each other's voice and strings! And Chai could even give him more critiques so his songs could be proper rock star material. Chai rejects the offer, telling Vanilla that he doesn't want him to do anything for him! He doesn't want him to play guitar for him, or study for him, or anything! Vanilla could find someone else to sing. He didn't want to be a part of any band.

It shatters Vanilla's world when Chai tells him this. He didn't think there was anything wrong with them fulfilling their dream together and taking on the roles they couldn't take. The two would head back to their dorms after the difficult talk and Chai decided he'd drop out after one more week. When he does, he doesn't tell Vanilla about it and any time Vanilla tries to text or call him he leaves him on read and his calls go to voicemail. Well, Vanilla was utterly heartbroken, but sadness would soon turn to anger after his friends gave him a wake up call about Chai.

Honestly? Dude had a point! Vanilla was doing a lot for Chai, and Chai barely did much for Vanilla, aside from providing distractions and talking with him about music. There were times Chai was pretty mean to him too, sometimes ditching him, asking favors of Vanilla and barely returning any of them because of some (obviously) made up excuse to be lazy, and saying snarky things about his airheadedness and clumsy nature. Hell, did Vanilla even really know the guy? He didn't tell him much about himself except for the made up, self centered crap. Was the guy Vanilla so taken with even the real deal? The more his friends pointed stuff out, the angrier Vanilla got. To the point where he passed out from the heat going to his head. Since then, he's been dealing with a lot of ambivalence towards Chai. Though sometimes he still thinks fondly of the fun they had and the toooootally not homoerotic moments they shared. Vanilla is basically in ghosted limbo, questioning what he did wrong, while also being angry at Chai for how he treated him and how he stopped talking to him. I mean, Vanilla has his faults in this, too though! He was placing a lot of his ambitions onto Chai without stopping to think about how Chai felt, and while, yeah, Chai did crappy things, it wasn't right for Vanilla to run wild with this fantasy without considering the other person's feelings. His belief that it was a perfect solution kept him from thinking about any opposing view Chai would/could have.

It makes sense why Chai would eventually ghost him, since he's got so much shit going on with him regarding his inferiority complex. While Vanilla being so genuinely hype about him was definitely an ego stroke, when reality hit like a train, it just made Vanilla's actions uncomfortable for Chai because it was all fake on his end. He wasn't doing anything worthy of Vanilla's praise and admiration. Vanilla was the one worthy of praise and admiration for his own accomplishments, and Chai couldn't even fully celebrate that because of his own issues. After leaving, Chai's solution was to just...double down on hyping himself up as a cool guy to push away the idea of having to confront his baggage! Yay! Thank god Peppermint and the gang helped him become a better person omfg..........

A year passed and Vanilla finished school. After getting a verbal smack down from his parents for lying about his major, he goes on to become a songwriter for the band that came to speak to their class. They emailed him personally about the opportunity once he graduated and he happily accepted it. Vanilla has a great time writing music, but he starts to understand what Chai meant when he said he didn't want others to do what he wanted to do for him. It...fucking SUCKED hearing another man sing your songs when you wanted to be the one to do it. Sure, Vani felt fulfilled as a songwriter, but the fact he didn't achieve his dream at all made him bitter inside.

SPOILERS BELOW IF U HAVEN'T FINISHED HI-FI RUSH OR SEEN THE SECRET ENDING I'm thinking during Chai's whole adventure with Peppermint and the gang, Vanilla is finishing up school and by the time he's been writing songs for the band, Chai is the new ambassador of Vandelay. A part of me keeps thinking about Kale's AI coming back somehow and Kale recruiting Vanilla to kick start SPECTRA again. Vanilla accepts the new job because Kale not only promises him his rock star dreams, but a chance to…"reconnect" with his old buddy, Chai.

This last part is kind of a hypothetical cause who knows what could happen if we ever get a sequel to this game but for now I'm living in my fantasy world of Vanilla and Chai drama, weeee.

[salty-professor]

Degree Mills

The Department of Education defines a degree mill as a school that has fake accreditation and where the students do not have to do any work. That is certainly true.

However, insiders, that is me, and a lot of other folks who do the work in higher ed agree that a degree mill is a place where the fix is in from the moment the student walks on campus. They find it sick to know that regardless of performance, as long as the student has a pulse and is in good standing with one or twenty student loan services (this is the real key, students=$$$), that student will graduate with a legitimate degree even though the student will not have learned a fucking thing.

It is gross. I hate it. Blech.

I have a confession to make…

I accidentally got a job at a degree mill. I didn't mean to. I was looking to pick up some summer teaching. Teaching full-time doesn't pay all the bills and sometimes, we get sick of teaching the same few classes over and over, so, while we don't want to leave our full-time teaching posts, we pick up adjunct jobs at other schools.

So, I saw this ad for an adjunct job at a BIG school. This is one of those schools that is so big that it will survive the coming edpocalypse without so much as a blink. When the small, liberal arts schools fail, and shut down these mammoth, too-big-to-fail schools will roll on until there is just one monster Hydra University. It is an online job so I didn't have to commute. It pays better than what I would make doing overload work at my current job. Most importantly for me, the school is a non-profit and accredited, so I wasn't going to be doing garbage…or so I thought. I did my training and was impressed. I mean, they use an online learning management system designed by sadists. Still, it wasn't the end of the world. I've used it before. It isn't my full-time job. I could suffer for a few hours per day of this bullshit. No problem. I signed the contract. I read the text. I whistled a merry tune.

Then, I saw the course shell.

I have zero ability to change anything. I can't alter the due dates to meet my schedule. I can't close the discussions after they are graded. I can't even change the late policy. OK. So, I guess this is all about quality control. They need to be sure folks are doing it "right" so OK. I can give good, thoughtful feedback and do some teaching on the back end. Individualized learning is awesome anyway. Then, I saw the rubrics. They are already filled out with approved written feedback and they only have three levels. The student either gets all the points, most of the points, or NONE of the points. Really? Really? Who would EVER give a student a zero unless there was a missing assignment? No one who isn't a total fuckhead, that's who. I am not, for the record, a total fuckhead.

Thus, even when my students totally miss the point, like swing and miss, I have to mark that middle row on the grading rubric. That means, as long as the student turns in something, even if it is crappy and has a grammar error in every sentence, the student will earn a C. The school is accredited because every week the faculty clicks the pre-made rubric and thus the students get regular, substantive feedback. Also, as long as they submit something, the students will pass. The retention and graduation rates put me through the roof. Student satisfaction must be sky high because when asked if they like the place and if they feel the teacher was engaged, students will say yes. After all, how could they not?

I can't change the system. It is a massive school with lots of lawyers and I assume, one or twenty lobbyists as well. For now, I am taking detailed notes. I have videos and screenshots. I am building a file that I will send to the DOE and the regional accrediting body. They will likely not give a shit, but I give a shit and it is all I can do. I am not going to walk away from the students I currently have. I can't quit on them. That isn't fair. They can still learn some good stuff. I will fight the good fight within the virtual confines of my classroom. I will give different feedback. I will push them to do better. I will make audio comments or video comments and I meet with them and I try, and try, and try, to get them to learn. To be better. I will explain that while they are going to pass, that isn't the point. Grades are pointless if they don't learn anything.

I know there will be students who care. I know there is some great information they can take from my class. I can do the work. The extra work. I can be the shining light in the degree-milled darkness. I will work hard because I care.

#educationisaright, but it must be earned.

I need to take a shower.

[cock-holliday]

I saw your post about gender-positive community and I loved it so much, but at the same time I feel hopeless about finding these kind of spaces for myself. You've described so many amazing experiences and I'm so happy for you- I'm wondering how to find those, I don't know what I'm doing wrong that I feel rejection or disinterest from every queer community I'm trying to be part of, and I keep blaming myself for being too GNC and not fitting in any box.

Oh, anon, I'm very sorry for your struggles. Fortunately or unfortunately, I can very much relate. It rubs me a bit the wrong way that a number of folks have said on that post (or others) that discourse is an online problem that doesn't happen offline. Which is...blatantly not true. Yes, plenty of shitty takes come from knowing no offline queers but many people actually take their tumblr-poisoned opinions into offline spaces. And certainly, not all or even most of the BS you find offline is due to tumblr discourse.

I'd say, simply, it isn't your fault and you aren't doing anything wrong by being you. As with any vulnerability, you are simultaneously open to those who will love you best and those who will know how to hurt you worst. When I first came out as bi, I was proud of my identity and wanted it to be known regardless of my partner's gender. It allowed me to connect with other bisexuals! ...and also opened me to a lot of biphobia. When I was a binary trans person, regardless of if it was early in my transition or late when I was cis-passing, I was open about being trans. I preferred to find out it was a deal-breaker as early as possible. It allowed me to connect with other trans people--especially when people didn't know I was trans. ...it also opened me up to a torrent of transphobia, a lot of which crushed my confidence at the time.

Now with being nonbinary I exist in this sort of grey area. There isn't really "passing as me" to most people. I can pass as a man or a woman. I am sometimes read or assumed as a trans woman or trans man. But most people assign one box or the other. Which is not always ideal, or sometimes can be bothersome--other times dangerous. In some places I am stealth. Sometimes as different things. Sometimes I've had to pick and choose between authenticity and safety and sometimes the threshold changes.

Rejection is, deeply deeply unfortunately, a part of the risk of being open. And it sucks. It sucks so bad, anon. You will get shit from bigots, you will get shit from queers that hold power or status over you, and you will get it from peers who feel like your identity is somehow a threat to them. I really don't have any advice for how to stop that--for the thousands of lovely comments on that post, I still got a swath of angry anons sending vile shit over it. Being truly genuinely apologetically your queer self makes people angry. It's terrible and sucks to experience, but the best I can offer for that is you are supremely not alone.

The advice I can give is keep seeking out community. I didn't know any other trans people until I joined my college's LGBT club. The club had some stuff that sucked and it also introduced me to one of my best friends. I went alone to a trans vigil and found both friends and a warmth that religious leaders had attended to offer prayer with those who were religious. I went to a queer community meeting and it sucked and one of the other people who hated it and I became friends. We aren't still friends but I'm still friends with people they went on to introduce me to. I shared a lot of wonderful experiences I've had, but not all of them held significance for me until long after they had passed. Looking back, reexamining, taking what I can from what I had and keeping going back for more has sustained me.

Keep seeking out community. If the community isn't what you want, take the pieces that are salvageable with you until you find something better. This includes online. There are so many wonderful messages on that post. Follow blogs that resonate. Collect as much as you can online, offline, in media--books have been such a refuge for me! Over and over finding that people related to my struggles gave me such a sense of peace.

I realized I was trans because of tumblr. I met lifelong trans friends offline. Some of the most lifechanging books I've ever read got recommended to me online. I played so many sports and took up so many hobbies and had so many experiences in an effort to find irl community. Online spaces made me feel so much less alone. I met so many queers when I wasn't even looking--just getting involved in any community spaces/efforts. My girlfriend, who I love so very dearly, who sees me more clearly than maybe anyone I've ever met, who takes all the complicated messy parts of me and loves them as a whole, not in spite of each other...I met her on tumblr. One of my best friends and I met on one of the scariest most brutal days of my life out in the real world. They met their partner on tumblr.

Find reality checks offline where you can to get away from tumblr bullshit. Find sameness in online spaces that you can't readily find offline. It's so hard to find community and love and acceptance. It's hard to be queer. And "too queer" for queer spaces. Sometimes you have to hide a bit of yourself for safety, and sometimes you can find room to flourish.

I hope that post gives you a piece to hold onto. I hope this response does. I hope that post can connect you to other people. Or give you the confidence to try a new scene or space offline. Keep trying. It's not you, it's the world we live in, but you and twenty-six thousand people and counting do not accept that it has to be that way.

Keep putting yourself out there. The right crowd will love you for it.

I love you for it, anon!

[whoredmode]

god okay i’m gonna talk about the johnny and troy subplot of my srtt rewrite real quick bc it’s the only thing on my mind rn

so troy rejoins the saints right after they go after loren. troy realizes he can no longer protect anteros and the saints from behind his desk in stilwater anymore, so he quits. and he’s so fucking happy about it; this was a long time coming. so he shows up in steelport, much to anteros’ delight. unfortunately, anteros is quite literally the only person glad to see him. 

at this point the saints are really on the rocks. one of the most crucial notes of my rewrite (at least for the first act) is that at this point in their lives, the saints are really goddamn sick of each other. the limelight has exasperated so many issues but they’ve been forced to keep up appearances and unable to get time to solve their problems. so the return of troy is not helping things, especially for johnny. johnny is the most vocal critic of this, immediately about to punch troy in the jaw, but anteros gets in between them. they back off, but johnny is fucking pissed. shaundi is on johnny’s side, though less visibly angry since she doesn’t have a personal connection to troy. pierce tends to be on anteros’ side with things, and he’s still trying to be, but even this, from what he understands, is kinda suspect. still, anteros vouches for troy and continues to do so. troy tries to explain himself as well, and the whole thing ends on a very tense note. 

fast forward a bit. they take out loren, saving oleg in the process; he was being held prisoner in the building (not the DNA cloning stuff; it’s a different plot as well, but i digress). oleg obviously joins the saints and tells them about some people who could help (or at least have info that could help) with taking down the syndicate. to their surprise, troy’s actually heard of them before. kinzie’s whole story of being kicked from the FBI was something he’d heard about when it happened several years ago. it was some interesting workplace chatter. zimos was a pretty big-name pimp in the area decades ago; way before his time, but he’d heard about the guy from older folks he’d worked with. and angel? very casual wrestling fan. more of his older brother’s interest but he’d seen some fights. troy tells them that if they give him some time, he could help oleg track down these three much faster. oleg appreciates the help, so they get to work.

obviously they track them down, and when it comes time to assign lieutenants to tasks, johnny volunteers to take down killbane. he thinks the fight will be fun. anteros agrees, and assigns troy to help him out. johnny…very loudly takes issue with this. after some back-and-forth, johnny eventually just ends the discussion with a “whatever” and leaves. 

so at the start of troy and johnny working together (along with angel, but angel is mostly keeping to himself/training atp), things are seemingly okay? things seem pretty standard between them and they honestly appear to be getting work done.

it’s late one night, and johnny’s driving them back, just him and troy. he goes down a different way, and suddenly they’re on an empty bridge. it’s the middle of the night, foggy, and eerily quiet. johnny stops the car and says he sees something out there, and asks troy to take a look. troy hesitates, but ultimately agrees and gets out. he says he sees nothing, and as he’s about to turn around, he hears the click of a revolver. johnny’s gonna do what he should’ve done a long time ago. and he’s not gonna miss this time. troy’s shoulders relax. he’s not gonna stop him, and he’s not gonna beg for his life, but he says that if johnny was gonna do it, he would’ve done it already. he’s not the type for big speeches with this sort of shit. so what’s stopping him?

johnny lowers the gun. even he realizes he’s hesitating. 

to say johnny had been struggling since the events of sr2 is an understatement. aisha’s death had signaled the beginning of an internal downward spiral that had only worsened in recent years, due partly because of his newfound status as a celebrity. he never wanted any of this. you think he likes parading around being some fucking poster boy? he’s not meant for that kind of life, but it’s what the saints were now, so what was he supposed to do? he can’t hate the saints. right? but that’s where troy came in. troy was easy to blame. he was easy to hate—he was supposed to hate him. he betrayed them. even if troy had no attachment to his old job, even if he was never helping the SPD/old ultor and was ultimately doing what he could for the saints, he still lied to them. and johnny knew deep down that he didn’t actually hate troy as much as he said (yeah he still stands by trying to kill him the first time, but now? all these years later? what’s the point), but troy was a living figure he could direct these feelings towards, and it made sense. he wasn’t a saint, so it was fine. but then suddenly he’s back in? what the fuck is he supposed to do. 

in some ways, johnny can’t help but feel as if the saints failed him. and in some ways, they did. aisha’s death was avoidable. he and the saints should’ve been able to save her. but why couldn’t they? why did he feel so alone these days?

troy takes a step towards johnny. and all he can say is. i’m so sorry. and he is. he’s sorry for everything. all that’s happened has haunted him every day since; he took anteros’ return from certain death as a second chance. and while anteros had been the true object of his desire, the most important thing he wanted to protect, the saints were just as dear to him. all of them. they were his friends. and he would go through hell for them. and now that he’s back, he’s ready to do whatever it takes. but he can’t do it without johnny.

they look each other in the eyes for the first time in a long time. johnny says they should head back; anteros is gonna get worried about them if they’re gone for much longer. 

so after their confrontation on the bridge, their relationship gets much, much better. they’re back to bantering like old friends, and things are really starting settle. it’s around the halfway mark of the plot at this point, and thankfully the relationships and mood within the saints is leagues better than it was at the beginning of the story. everyone’s working as a team much better, and the addition of new faces honestly helped a bit in keeping things together. 

i kinda talked about it in that one post but johnny and troy and angel do the murderbrawl fight together; johnny as the stilwater butcher and troy as the referee (but really just there to keep killbane’s backup off them). johnny had fun, troy’s not a huge fan of being absolutely drenched in blood, but you think johnny’s not gonna use a chainsaw on a bunch of guys?? they succeed in humiliating killbane, and johnny will get his chance to actually kill the guy a little later. 

--

lmfao @ myself. talking about them “real quick” yeah sure 

i think the themes of lost friendships and betrayal that’s prevalent in angel and killbane’s lore is fitting for what johnny and troy have going on. more specifically though, i think killbane’s death speech is arguably much more fitting for johnny to hear. because killbane is giving johnny what he wants for the first time in literal years. he feels like a saint again, not some cheap fucking brand with saints colors. he feels alive again. 

also idk if this is even an unpopular reading of johnny but like. i think he should be allowed to criticize the saints. i think he’d feel hurt by them. genuinely. after what they’ve become? after all that’s happened? there’s a line from johnny tag of all characters, a clone of johnny from the sr2 era, where he says the saints failed him. and if he’s from 2011, what else could he be referring to? johnny feels as if the saints failed him when it came to aisha. but how is he supposed to grapple with that? johnny is so painfully conflicted in srtt, and it’s a crime we don’t get that introspection in the game. even sriv does a slightly better job of this, with johnny reliving aisha’s death over and over in his mind. johnny gat is fucking haunted. but so is troy. and i think ultimately they’d find some much needed solace in each other. troy’s been in a similar boat for years, so it’d be good for them to have each other to rely on. there’s lots to get outta the way first, but in the end i think they’d be thankful. even if neither of them are the best at expressing it.

[sitp-recs]

woah, a fellow brazilian :) do you happen to have any recs where they fight or hurt each other emotionally or just yk, are imperfect? thanks <3

Hello friend! 🇧🇷 that’s an interesting ask - I’m usually soft about my angst in the sense that I don’t really enjoy mean characters hurting each other intentionally. That being said, depending on writing and context I love myself a nuanced bumpy enemies-to-lovers or complicated get together. Here are a few fics that come to mind:

An Emerald In The Sky by MA (2022, M, 6.6k)

The hardest part about shagging an Unspeakable is that they’re not allowed to speak of anything. All Draco knows is that Harry works in Time. Harry works in Time, and while he’s out there in all of that time, it is as unforgiving to him as it is to anyone.

Kissed by potteresque_ire (M, 11k)

Draco Malfoy was attacked by a rogue Dementor on the night of his Azkaban release. He self-exiled to Muggle London and opened a late-night chocolate shop called Kissed.

I'll never be your chosen one by @andithiel (E, 15k)

Draco doesn't know what exactly he’s doing with Potter, he doesn't know how their unspoken agreement even started, and doesn't know where it will end. The only thing he knows is: he's not in love.

Vanishing Cabinets by Romaine (E, 18k)

Take one Wizarding Family Values politician who has a secret life, and add one Auror who detests discrimination of any type, but becomes a bit obsessed with said politician, and you have enough sparks to ignite a Beltane fire. (EWE)

Don't Stop It Before It Begins by mischieviolet (M, 19k)

“I don’t understand how this is of any concern to you, Malfoy,” Harry said, crossing his arms over his chest. Draco blinked at the use of his last name, something that Harry only used with him in jest these days. “I’m merely spending time with my Auror partner, who is from another country, and has no one here. I would do the same if it were you.”

Exposure by GallaPlacidia (M, 27k)

When Seamus uncovers Draco Malfoy's camboy profile, he, Harry and Ron decide to anonymously book a private show so as to humiliate him later. Fascinated by Draco's confidence, Harry keeps booking private shows under the disguise... Self prompt: Draco is a camboy. Harry betrays him.

Your Place or Mine? by loveglowsinthedark (E, 27k)

"This person is so much harder to hate. And I’m supposed to hate Malfoy. How the fuck else am I supposed to limit this to just sex?"

All Roads by korlaena (M, 36k)

Draco hates his job at the Prophet. He hates it even more when he’s assigned to write an article on Harry Potter, who left the country three years ago after their falling out. Draco doesn’t want to face the truth about himself, but he’s stuck between Harry and his duty, and he’s out of options.

Rush (For A Gap That Exists) by sleepstxtic (M, 42k)

A story of love and loss that grew amidst the most infamous rivalry in Formula One history: the story of Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter.

The Boy Who Only Lived Twice by lettered (E, 54k)

Harry Potter is an Unspeakable. Draco Malfoy is the wizard who shagged him. Adventure! Intrigue! Secret identities, celebrities, spies! It's all right here, folks.

Temptation on the Warfront by alizarincrims0n (E, 180k)

Draco Malfoy is forced into hiding with the Golden Trio and dragged into their search for horcruxes. What ensues is a journey of redemption, unexpected friendships and an unwanted, turbulent romance with Harry Potter. Warnings for swearing, sexual content, and dark themes.

Bonus: I haven’t read this QaF AU but I see it being recced quite often:

Harry Potter Gives a Shit by talithan (E, 58k)

“Where are you headed?” “No place special,” Draco fumbled, and flushed further. But then: “I can change that,” said Harry Potter.

[wheel-of-hyperfixation]

Every couple of months this concept for a fic (a whole damn series tbh) pops back into my mind

I really want to make myself write it. Reasons I should give it a shot (this list is kind of just for me, lemme convince myself)

I used to start writing stories as a kid (many a few pages that I started but never continued) and even though I never finished them, it made me so happy. I think I'd like to explore the storyteller in me from a new place; not as a dancer.

All the writing that I end up doing now is for school. I'm typically not one to boast but I will say that my written responses and essays are reallll fucking good. And even with fighting my own brain trying to write for those assignments (anxiety, depression, adhd yall do NOT make it easy) I still Love writing those essays. I have Fun writing those essays

I say I don't have free time but I do manage to find time to rest. Usually though resting just ends up being laying in bed all day watching some show on my laptop. And then I feel shitty (physically and mentally) that I haven't done something more productive. Not productive like "you should've deep cleaned the entire apartment on your first day off in three in a half weeks" but like "hey girl could you just maybe do something that involves some healthy brain stimulation? pls??" I think this would be a good outlet yk healthy for my brain and my body

I'd really like to be able to share something of mine with the folks here I admire

Going off of #4, I have such a hard time sharing my art online but sadly my career path kind of depends on my ability to do that. I have yet to a really clean, simple answer of how to overcome that--at least they haven't been routes I've felt I could make myself do (I'm very stubborn). This however might be a good way for me to practice and build this skill, in a place where my career, My Dream isn't at stake.

_______________________________________

so the plot..

Eddie Munson x (lemme be self-indulgent and also add to our minimal representation on here) BlackFem!Reader

Will the upside down be a thing that happened? I'm guessing no. But if it is then ofc this man survives -as he should as he should-

Eddie has finally graduated ('86 baby <3). He has another 6 months-a year afterwards working every moment he can and saving every penny. He finally leaves Hawkins (would need to write some sad shit with leaving Wayne ofc but yk maybe in a later chapter as a little flashback) for [SOME BIG CITY - i have some choices but it depends on details about Reader i haven't given thought to yet]. He's trying to get into the music scene-- make friends, find some footing, get a consistent gig somewhere if he can. There's a rock night at a local bar he sees a flyer for and there he meets this percussionist who's drumming with a band playing that night. BAM! They're instant friends. IMPORTANT: i headcanon that Eddie also managed to learn to play drums sometime in late middle school/early high school, he doesn't have formal training but can work his way around a drum set. Plot things plot things plot things -> New best friend percussionist has a job with this proffesional dance company as an accompanist; they play for classes and rehearsals and has recently been in talks with the director about their upcoming season because of a new work one of the choreographers will be building. It'll be a lot of workshopping but just conceptually it seems great. The other two accompanists who usually work with the company don't drum though and the choreographer really wants a musical focus on percussion. BestFriend calls Eddie while he's still at the studio speaking with the director and choreographer :)

WELCOME READER!! I'm not sure who exactly she'll be yet but currently mulling over some possibilities: a friend of this choreographer from a previous job who they've asked to help with the choreography? a brand new company member? someone who's danced a couple seasons with the company (corps dancer) and is getting her first larger role? Lots of possibilties but the point is that she's part of the new work too.

And they meet when Eddie comes for his first day-- it's company class in the morning and rehearsal begins later after their lunch break (again it's lots of workshopping, collaborative space, freestyle amongst the dancers as they just get to play around with the music). Eddie is a little entranced by Reader the whole time, and Reader tries to not get flustered and distracted in the middle of learning these movement phrases when she catches him watching her specifically.

Pretty, lovely, dream-like things ensue for them <3

_________________________

That "quick rough summary" turned into a word-vomit brainstorm with a lot more detail than I anticipated. Cool.

[wreckham]

please, I MUST know, is there a story/theory behind the Mheetu with Kovu's colors? Were you just trying different ideas, or was it a reference to how some headcanon Mheetu as a Scar/Sarafina kid?

thank you for the excuse to braindump about this! i went overboard oh dear oh shit!

i have a few explanations that i assign to the different general palette groups. under the cut for length bc oh my goooood

NALA CLONE MHEETU, the one i headcanon the most "seriously," (we believe in fluidity here baybeee) is pretty basic. after scar was overthrown, the pridelanders got to enjoy having freedoms again. to be blunt, before simba's return there wasn't a lotta Baby Makin' goin on, and i mean that both euphemistically and literally

lionesses who didn't join the pride while pregnant either got to be raw dogged by scar or they didn't get to be with anyone at all. lions were disallowed from dating altogether, let alone forming families, because wtf chumvi bro go back to guarding the watering hole b4 u get castrated by hyenas like dude!!!!! also everyone was miserable and starving so none of them were very motivated to either hook up OR bring new lives into the world

once simba changed the pridelands' wallpaper from grey to green, sarafina and nala's dad got back together and decided to have that second child they'd always been wanting. nala's been waiting in the weeds since she was a cub for her folks to have another baby, but she never really thought it'd come true. she wouldn't give him up for anything in the world.

WHITE MHEETU isn't nala's biobrother. after scar's defeat, different savannah animals were displaced from their homes. mheetu's birth family was caught up in the shuffle and he was separated from them. he was so teeny he could barely walk, so of course newly crowned king simba, Lion of Orphan Experience, took him in

sarafina fell in love with the little tyke instantly as she'd been hurting for a baby for a long time. she'd always wanted to have multiple children, but her husband passed from illness when nala was about 2 years old (so while simba was off getting stoned by a waterfall ahahaoughh). and besides that, under scar's reign no lions besides the king were allowed to court any lionesses, and she'd rather die then lay with that pissy little tyrant

so mheetu officially becomes nala's little brother. adult nala finds this both very surreal and very special. after simba's "death," she'd had to grow up all too fast. immediately after the worst day of her life, she was never allowed to just be a kid. never got to play and be silly and truly appreciate the present. getting to raise a little brother allows her to recapture something she thought she'd lost forever. it's all the better that she has a child (kopa or kiara, whichever) who can be his playmate and confidant.

SCAR CLONE MHEETU's story isn't too different from nala clone mheetu's... at first. nala's family pulled the whole disney genetics thing; nala THE GURL looks like her mom, and her brother THE BOY looks like her dad. no i'm not presenting the cold take that scar is nala's father, promise! lmao its just that scar can't possibly be the only ruddy lion out there

sos the pridelanders were used to nala's dad's appearance, and they knew who he was as a person. like, aw that's not a spooky scar impersonator, that's our buddy popularfanname! but they were all a little disquieted by the baby who even more closely resembled their late dictator. hell, some of the more superstitious pride members would say that it was an omen that scar would be returning, or that scar had already been reincarnated

this was all just niche, half-serious gossip to begin with, but then shit hit the fan. prideland's qanon started genuinely believing mheetu had something to do with "the ghost of scar." at the peak of this bullshit, this one sulky, violent recluse who spent all her time avoiding king simba and rambling to the scar fanclub, claimed her son, another spitting image of their former king, was destined to take scar's place on the throne

and so all hell broke loose. there were a lot fewer lionesses in the pride after that debacle. kovu wasn't the only kid who had a complicated relationship with scar's memory

[embershightheme]

CAN YOU HEAR IT? THAT’S THE SOUND OF SUMMER SAYING GOODBYE!

It's exactly one week before the start of a new school year, and everyone's in high spirits! ...Or so the supervisors would have you all think. You’ve been here for years, and you know the drill. A month or so before the start of the school year, teachers and staff are forcefully dragged back from a painfully short hibernation (unless you’ve had to teach summer classes, which, if that’s the case, my condolences) to start prepping for the new year. Now that you’ve only got seven days left, you know what’s in store for you: cramming, stress eating, guerilla department meetings. Everyone, and we mean everyone, needs to get everything ready for the first day of school. So finish those subject area calendars, rate those student teacher applications, wrap up those lesson plans, and tie those powerpoints up nicely with a bow  — it’s crunch time, baybee!!

Nik again!!! At long last, I’m so proud and excited and happy to welcome us all officially to our very first chapter in Embers High, our home away from home for however long we want it to be! I’ll be real with you guys, I have zero future plans and intend to just do whatever the hell with this using past experiences, so really, anything goes at this point. In contrast to what we’re about to be putting our poor characters through once again, everything here is just low pressure, lowkey, and all fun.

Now on to the events of the chapter itself! Other than the fact that it’s a week before the first day of school and is likely happening in late August, I say do with it whatever you wish! Set meetings, hang out in the faculty room, slack off, actually do the work  — whatever floats your boat! Have a single thread, have multiple! If you want to focus on outside school life for some threads too, do it! If you’re at a loss, though, here are some ideas for you:

Teachers can gossip about any wacky and/or controversial changes in their subject area, whether it be academic or not.

Student teachers can be touring around the school at this time, checking out where their assigned classroom for the year is going to be, and who their assigned mentors might be too.

Or you could always say this isn’t their first time at the rodeo and have them be hanging with folks they already bonded with from last time.

Decorating your classrooms (or offices, or cubicles!) with another person’s help is always a cool thing.

You can just be in your cubicle... actually doing your work. And also chit-chatting with someone else trying to do their work, maybe?

Or you could be at home or at the nearby bar with your fellow faculty and/or staff after school. It’s the time to define your relationships!

At the tail end of that in-character week, they could have a big faculty and staff meeting with Coin and Plutarch, maybe with a special guest appearance by The Superintendent. Anything goes!

That’s pretty much it! Have fun, and pop any questions in back at the server if there’s anything you need anyone’s opinion on!

TIMEFRAME: We do whatever we want here in Embers High. When we feel it’s time to move on, we move on. I’d give it a month or maybe even two, I dunno, there’s lots to do, and we’re busy people! If we want to get to the first day of school earlier, though, that can always be arranged, of course.

TAGS: #episode one, #chapter one, #crunch time, anything along those lines works!

Have fun! Enjoy! Do happy stuff! No judgement if you wanna keep doing angst, but... after the shit these people have just gone through, why would you? 🤪  

[itoldsunset]

the more i sit on it the more it makes sense to me that 21-year-old teh is vastly different (yet in other ways, very much the same) from the 18-year-old teh who woke up at 4am to help oh-aew study, who tutored oh-aew, gave him all his books and flashcards, and gave up his spot for oh-aew. because high school teh had dreams and a vision, and college teh has been beaten down by the real world and is growing more frantic that that vision will never come true.

21-year-old oh-aew is doing AMAZING, found a major that he enjoys and is getting A's in, found a group of friends who get him, is independent and driving himself around the city in his new car, and becoming more comfortable with who he is. he no longer needs teh to help him get good grades. he no longer needs to ride in the back of teh's motorcycle to get around the city. he is living his best life. oh-aew is literally all the things you don't want to be around when you're a miserable mess of a human being.

meanwhile 21-year-old teh has not been cast for a single role, feels nothing but abandonment because he has one friend/mentor left at school since the other two graduated, is devoting all his time and energy into a career that looks like it will no longer pan out, had his one idol "abandon" this dream which makes him doubt even more whether he's actually on the right path, and worst of all cannot seem to perform his role as the lead actor in his mentor's play which probably feels like his last shot to prove himself.

teh at 21 has nothing to offer oh-aew in the way he did when they were 18, and he feels that and he hates it, because it reminds him of how much of a failure he thinks he is. he can barely compliment oh-aew for getting an A on his assignment. it wouldn't surprise me if oh-aew brings home good news like that all the time, meanwhile all teh has to offer is, "went to another casting, didn't get it again." it's lowkey another form of jealousy, not in the rivalry way like we saw in itsay, but a sadder, dejected kind of jealousy that makes you feel like you don't want to hear about their day and you wish they wouldn't ask you about yours. failure is alienating as hell.

so he keeps building distance between them which is something you do when the world moves on and you're stuck in a standstill, and it's a feeling i know because it was me avoiding my friends for a whole ass year while i was unemployed after getting laid off. there was a whole fucking year of my life that i barely even remember. there is an inexplicable pain of having to answer simple questions like "how are you?" or "what have you been up to lately?" when your career has gone to shit and you feel like you've accomplished nothing and are going nowhere in life, especially as the people around you are making moves and going places. it is especially harder when it's the people who love you, because as bad as it feels to know you're a failure, it's even worse if you let them see you that way too. teh sees oh-aew moving up in life while he keeps sinking further into the ground. and promise or no promise, there is a real insecurity that once you get found out for what a loser you are, the people in your life are gonna leave.

obviously none of that excuses the cheating because nothing does. but it explains how teh created so much distance between him and oh-aew in the first place, distance that led him to get as swept up with jai as he did. teh going to the plays alone? not really paying attention to oh-aew? taking oh-aew for granted? not out of character at all. makes a lot more sense now when i think about what an absolute wreck he is at this current stage in his life. he is absolutely broken and maybe you also have to have been that broken to recognize it. there are a lot of things they could have done to show it better [like for example, having teh narrate oh-aew's new changes was a missed opportunity to show, not tell the audience] but overall he's still very much the same teh, just in a much worse off place than he was in itsay.

the more i sit with it the more i realize p'meen and co have no mercy on the audience, so it makes sense ipytm is not meeting many of our expectations. it is very classic nadao to play with the audience's feelings, but they definitely went too far with the experimentation this time because after four days i still can't log on to twitter without seeing the backlash. and as much as people want to blame p'meen and the new team, p'boss and p'yong are producers on the show and i don't believe for a second they would green light this storyline if they had big misgivings about it. [p'yong is literally the reason we got a coming out scene with hoon in itsay, since it wasn't in the original script. they don't let anything fly by. so the lazy writing comments?? i don't buy it.]

nadao took a risk here that they could sucker punch the audience with episode three and still count on people to come back for some big reveal in episode four. they lost some folks, maybe more than expected, but i'm assuming they made the executive decision that whatever happens in the last two episodes is going to make up for the emotional damage of episode three, and i will wait and see if they were right.

[sup-hoes-its-me]

Emotion (Kakashi x Reader)

A/N: Kakashi again...can't get enough of this mans tbh. U r an empath due to your kekkei genkai and Kakashi has always been difficult to read. Friend to lovers. Sharing one bed folks, we got some steamyyy shit here. Angst warning as well.

Word count: 6000

He was always alone. Ever since his childhood, he walked the world completely alone with only a few people there to support him. No mother, no father, no mentor, no teammates. He was at the mercy of fate his entire life, things being stolen from him time and time again. 

He just prayed that he could keep her. Y/N L/N, the only woman to have wormed her way into his heart and made a home there.

When they first met, Kakashi and Y/N, she cursed him for being such a weirdo. Apparently his mind was empty and his heart was seemingly full of sand. He was conditioned that way, and that is how he lived for the longest time. It wasn't a surprise for him to hear that.

But she thought it was stranger than anything she'd ever seen, and so she followed him. She would figure him out, bring him back down to Earth from his supposed high horse. That woman was determined, and frankly he didn't mind her being around. She was quiet enough that it didn't matter. Not to mention on the missions they had together, she was quite the partner.

Over time, she'd learned to read him like a book. It was part of her clan's kekkei genkai. The ultimate empath, I suppose. The ability to read a persons every single emotion and then turn that, if they so choose, into power. 

She was never the greatest fighter, but her negotiation skills were the best they could possibly be. She would dive into the emotions of another and manipulate them backwards and forwards to get what she wanted. 

It was overwhelming, walking into a room of people and immediately being bombarded with so many feelings coming at her all at once. Occasionally, if the situation was bad enough she'd have to take a seat and clear her mind, organizing each person in her mind like a filing cabinet of empathy.

But damn, did she try to weasel out every bit of feeling she could. It was just something that came so naturally, she couldn’t help but instigate whatever was brewing up inside him.

"Kakashi, if you're happy, you know you're allowed to express it. You don't have to hide it away," she told him, staring at the masked man sitting across from her at the table. He was watching as she sharpened her kunai, and she could feel the content running off his body in small bursts. He was feeling better. Better than he had in a little while. Of course she picked up on it.

He sighed, rolling his eyes. She was always reading him, he knew that. He just preferred when she refrained from mentioning it. It did, most times, feel like a bit of an invasion of privacy, how she could deep dive into the corners of his mind. There were things no one else could ever possibly know that she did. It was strange, but he was used to it.

"What? Want me to smile or something?"

"No, but you should let yourself go. Just drop the facade."

"Stop doing that. Getting into my head."

Quietly, she set down her blade and picked up the next one, taking a cloth and softly wiping away any dirt. Her eyes slide up to his for a moment, her all knowing gaze filling his vision. "It's basically impossible. Especially if you're the only one around. There's nothing else to focus on except you." He knew that. It wasn't like she had an on or off switch. That was the downside of this dojutsu. Unlike sharingan and byakugan users, hers was always pulling the strings of her brain.

"You've got that mission next week. With Naruto and a few of the other kids, right?"

"Yes."

"It's A rank, isn't it?"

She hummed in agreement. He had a habit of knowing about all her missions, more importantly being the dangerous ones. He wasn't necessarily scared for her, probably not. He was more cautious than anything. There was this nagging feeling in his head that he shouldn't let her go on these missions alone. That it was too dangerous for her to handle. 

But he was wrong. She was stronger than he thought, and could hold her own in battle. He was just a worrier. He'd just lost too many, seen too many bodies in front of his eyes to trust. God, he wanted to trust her, but he couldn't. She was too vulnerable. His friend, one of the only ones who hadn't died yet. For all he knew, her days numbered, that's how paranoid he was about everything.

"You'll be careful?"

"That's a silly question." He gave her a look that said he was more serious than anything, and she sighed. "Of course I'll be careful. I have people that would miss me if I wasn't." He was one of them. She could sense his fear whenever she said goodbye and his relief when she returned. He really tried to remain objective, but his heart said otherwise. 

And she would be a liar to say that she did not experience the same relief seeing him come home from missions, even if he was beaten and bruised to the bone, she was just happy he made it back. So many never got to come home. It was a sick world, they lived in, but she could relish in the little comforts.

"Don't worry about me. I'll always turn out fine. It's you and your dumb students we have to worry about."

"I hear you. Those kids are enough to drive a person mad." He rested his chin in his palm, the mere thought of those kids causing his blood pressure to rise.

"Thankfully my students never gave me any trouble. Sweet little things."

"Well, aren't you just lucky, Y/N?"

"What can I say? Kurenai and I got the luck of the draw with our students. You men had it rough, I have to admit," she laughed. It was funny that he was so unfortunate to have gotten assigned the Uchiha and the Uzumaki, two completely opposite but persistent forces. "Despite your perverted tendencies and your perpetual lateness, you still did a great job teaching them."

"Thanks. But do you really have to call me a pervert? I'm really not."

"Yeah? That explains why you read porn in public. Admit you're a pervert, you dumb old man."

"We're the same age-" he began to argue, but she just cut him off with her harsh words.

"Creep," she muttered, running the sharpening stone along her blade. He narrowed his eyes. She was being awfully annoying, and he knew she could sense his irritation building up. Yet she continued just to be a pain in the ass.

 He warned, "Hey. Watch it, L/N."

"Okay, okay, I'll stop...Pervert." She ducked her head when his hand reached out to wring her around the neck for being so frustrating, and she continued to laugh. It was nice, having a friend she could joke with and be around without having to worry about what she said. He might pretend to be mad, but she could feel the happiness still rolling off his body thickly under all that fake neutrality. 

He was happier than he'd been in a long while, and she found herself swelling with pride knowing that she might have helped make that happen. Her lips curled into the gentlest of smiles as she peered back up at him, and he found himself smiling back even if it was just through the mask. 

He swore in that moment, he'd make sure Y/N didn't end up like all the others. She would live. He'd break this wretched curse just for her. He was sure of it.

______

"How could you be so reckless?! Do you want to die?" Kakashi shouted at his friend who could only stand there angrily, arms crossed over her chest and one foot in the other direction. She didn't need to be lectured by someone who took just as many risks every single mission as she did.

"Kakashi, I really don't want to hear it. You have no idea how it went."

"Yeah but Naruto does, and we were just talking."

She placed her free hand over her chest and exclaimed even angrier than before, "You're going to trust a kid over me? Naruto even?" It was just low to trust Naruto when she was right there to explain herself. Just let her speak for once, she wanted to say but he of course, had something else to say.

He waved his arm toward the ramen shop, eyes glaring. "Don’t be rude. He's right there. What is wrong with you?"

Indeed, Naruto was sitting inside Ichiraku with Jiraiya at his side, munching on pork ramen while the pair fought outside. Kakashi was eating with them, taking a break from his work to just relax with his master and student when out of the corner of his eye he noticed Y/N stumbling down the street on her crutch. 

He heard when she got back home that she was in the infirmary for a couple days. He had no idea for what reason until Naruto explained to him what happened. She was being needlessly reckless on the battlefield, relying too much on her kekkei genkai and not enough on her brain. She threw herself right in the way of an enemy, for what reason, he didn't know. All he knew was that she could have died and she didn't seem to care one bit.

Rightfully so, he was mad. Normally he preferred not to make a scene in the open like this, but there wasn't anyone else around and he was red-hot.

She huffed. "He knows I don't mean anything bad by that. How could he not? I'm also his sensei, you know."

"Doesn't matter," Kakashi brushed off her words. "What you did was dangerous and you don't seem to care. Next time what are you gonna do? Run right into the arms of the enemy?"

"No, I would never. Kakashi, you're just being a jerk right now. I'm literally injured from the hip down and you have to yell at me? Jeez, just be grateful I'm alive, okay? Things happen," she tried to reason with him, but he didn't acknowledge it. He wasn't exactly feeling all that rational.

"Things don't just happen like that."

She groaned, "Well apparently they do, because it happened to me."

His eye narrowed and she noticed the way he clenched and unclenched his fists a couple times by his sides. Clearly he was just trying to channel his anger, but he really had no reason to be so upset. She hadn't done anything to him. He really needed to relax. "This is so like you L/N's. Always so emotional. Always thinking you're stronger than you actually are."

"Excuse you-"

"Get a grip, you aren't going to live forever."

"First off, don't interrupt me. Second, don't talk about my clan ever again, you hear me, Hatake? We don't live to please your dumbass," she cursed, how dare he say shit about her clan. That asshole. He was just being so...so unlike himself. She had no idea what had gotten into him, but she hated it and just wanted to continue on her way before he said something else stupid. 

Normally, she didn't expect to be bombarded in the street nearly the second she leaves the hospital, but Kakashi never fails to surprise her.

"I've got to go. Don't bother following me." With that, she took off past him, rushing as fast as she could on her crutch, which was pathetically slow. Silently, she cringed at how ridiculous she must look waddling around like this in a fit of rage. Nevermind that. She had better things to do.

He huffed out the breath he had been holding to walk back into the ramen shop, taking his seat beside Naruto and slouching down into the stool. Immediately, Master Jiraiya met his eyes, wisdom about to drip from his tongue once again. "You need to go apologize."

"Why? She clearly doesn't want that right now."

"Well, to start, you insulted her clan which is a big no-no. Imagine saying that to an Uchiha. You're lucky she let you off so easily."

"Yeah, Kakashi. You kinda just attacked her out there in the street," Naruto added.

Jiraiya continued, "Mainly though, the longer you let her stay angry, the worse it'll be for you in the end. Trust me."

"She said don't follow her."

"And you're actually going to listen?" The older man laughed. "You and her fighting reminded me a lot of young Tsunade and I. And let me tell you, you don't just let a woman like that go. I sure did. It’s not a fun time."

"Yeah, Kakashi sensei, go find Y/N."

The jounin stood from his stool and slapped a ramen voucher onto the counter top to pay for his meal. This really didn't seem like a good idea, he had to admit. But he would trust the process. This was the author of his favorite romance series, after all. How could he get something like this wrong? To put blind faith into Jiraiya on realistic romantic matters was probably the not the wisest thing to do, but it was the only thing he had to go on. "I'll go, but this doesn't sound like good advice."

"If you let this go, she's might run into the arms of another man for comfort. Do you want that?"

Tch, there was no way she was gonna do that. She barely had any friends. If anything she would go see Kurenai. Still, he pulled back the cloth at the entrance and muttered, "I gotta catch up to her."

"'Atta boy," Jiraiya cheered, waving off the copy nin. "Another bowl, Naruto?"

"Yes, please!"

Kakashi walked down the streets, looking for the woman he was sent on a mission to find and apologize to. He searched through the shops and the stands for her, walked by her apartment no sign of her. It wasn't until he stumbled by the bookstore that he found her eyeing down the display out front, leaning comfortably on her crutch.

"Y/N," he called to her, and he watched as she tensed up without a second. He caught up to her, walking to stand beside her in front of the store windows. "I need to talk to you."

"What do you want?" She questioned, peering over at him with a quirked brow. He seemed calmed down by now. Thankfully. "Also, didn't I tell you not to follow me?"

"You did, but Jiraiya told me to apologize."

"So this isn't even on your own accord, you're doing it because Jiraiya told you so." He groaned. Of course she would twist his words and find some way to make things bad on his end. She was angry with him, what did he expect to happen? Her to accept him with open arms?

"Listen, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I was just overwhelmed."

"With what? I wasn't paying attention to anything but the anger." She picked at her finger nails in an attempt to remain casual, but really she was just itching to hear what he had to say. She was willing to give him a second chance, only because he was normally so sweet. This was just out of character for him.

He replied, "I was scared for you. Naruto told me about how you nearly died, and I was upset that you did that. I was upset because I could only think about what if you had been overpowered and the enemy killed you." His explanation was weak, but he hoped she would accept it as truth. He really wasn't lying. When he heard she was in the hospital indefinitely, he nearly had a heart attack himself. He worried for her every time she left on a mission without him. It just meant that if she failed, he wasn't there to protect her himself. He couldn't handle that thought.

"So you were worried?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's sweet of you, isn't it?"

"I'd miss you, you know. If you died."

She froze. That wasn't what she expected him to say. When she looked over at him, he was just staring into the storefront window, but she could feel the sadness in waves running off his body. She wobbled around on her crutch to face him, a hand getting coming up to rest on his shoulder. "It's okay."

"I don't want you going on missions without me because every time it scares the shit out of me thinking they'll bring you back dead. Every time. I don't know why."

"It's normal to worry for your teammates."

"It's not the same, and you know it."

"Ah." And she felt it. Even if it was just a little hint of something, she felt his infatuation roll off his body and she took it in like a drink of cold water. So refreshing. Was he attracted to her? She had no idea before this that he cared so much but from the sound of it, he had some strong feelings attached. She wanted to reach out and hug him, tell him it was going to be okay, but that felt too personal. Instead, she leant back and muttered, "You know, Kakashi, I worry about you too."

"It's good we both have someone who cares, right?"

"Right."

"Well, I should be on my way, but, uh, if you need some help getting up to your apartment-"

"I should be fine."

"Okay, good."

"Yeah, so uh, see you," she turned on her heel and started heading in the other direction toward her home when suddenly, his hand reached out to stop her. 

"Wait, Y/N. I think..."

"What is it?"

"It's just that I need you. Please be careful from now on."

She stopped, turning around just enough to get a good look at his face. He only watched her, a glimmer of something she didn't recognize in his eye. 

"As long as you take care of yourself too, Mister."

"Y/N, I…"

All she could feel was a rough fabric rubbing against her face for a second before the full picture came into view. 

Mask to lips. I repeat, mask to lips.

She stared at him, as he kissed her right there in front of their favorite bookstore. When he pulled away after a second, he seemed just as shocked as she was. She pressed a hand to her forehead and struggled to find the right words to say. 

Kakashi Hatake just kissed her. 

And she definitely liked it. More than any other kiss she’d ever had before. She loved it. Mask or not, that was one of the best surprises of her entire life, and she honestly had no idea how to react. She settled for the easiest possible thing, running in the opposite direction, give herself time to think over what that meant for the two of them if anything at all. Kakashi wasn’t the type to have a girlfriend, he was always single. There just wasn’t room in his life for her.

There was plenty room in her life to fit him in comfortably. And there was more than enough room in her bed as well. 

Flustered, with heat coming to sit in her cheeks and run up her neck, she turned and motioned in the direction of her home. She just had too many thoughts to sit here and pretend she wasn’t dying inside from the tension.

"I've got to run home now," she managed to say. "Well, not run, with these crutches and all, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I should be going too. I'll see you around,” he mumbled, running his hand through his hair and down the back of his neck. 

"See you."

And into separate directions they went, just as confused as ever.

______

"Kakashi, I swear to God, if you don't stay on your side of the bed, I'm gonna-

"You'll what? Hit me? Go ahead. You're the one that keeps snoring."

"Shut up!" she exclaimed, rolling over in the bed and planting her fist directly in the middle of his chest. He didn't even flinch, she hadn't meant to hurt him anyway. She was just so annoyed. You would think that the stoic Hatake would be easy to sleep beside but no, he was a pain in the ass. He was rude. He was way too hot under the sheets. He still smelled like dog even after taking a bath. Just overall a bad experience, definitely 0 out of 10.

"What? It's the truth."

She groaned, throwing one of her arms over her eyes, burying her nose in the crook of her elbow. "Whatever. Don't ever mention my snoring again. It’s embarrassing me." She was self-conscious. She was usually so good at maintaining a cool and calm presence and now Kakashi was seeing that all crumble. Great. 

"Fine."

"Can't you just stay on your side so we can both sleep comfortably?"

"Can't you just stop snoring so I can sleep comfortably?" 

What a bastard. She could practically feel him snickering beneath his mask, and she felt frustration bubbling up in her chest. He was annoying. The audacity of this man, laughing and causing trouble in the night when they clearly had a mission to continue tomorrow. She could actually feel the delight radiating off his form.

She jumped up from her spot and threw herself onto the man beside her, attempting to make a vicious grab for the throat so she could maybe shut him up for just a few seconds. He dodged easily, taking her wrists in his calloused hand and lowering them to rest on his chest. Still, he continued to laugh at her. She felt like an utter joke sitting there on his stomach, looking at him through loose strands of her hair. 

She grumbled under her breath, her cheeks puffing out full of embarrassment, "Stupid."

"Me? Stupid? Look at you."

She replied swiftly, "What about me? You're the one with that ugly grin on your face." Quickly, she snatched her hands out from under his to cross her arms over her chest. She rocked back a bit on her knees to get a better look at his indeed ugly face. 

Except he definitely wasn't ugly, and that grin was more devilishly handsome than anything else. And honestly, she felt herself starting to get flustered in the position she'd put herself in. Of course she didn't hate Kakashi. He was one of her friends and coworkers. It was just that sometimes he could be casually attractive and she found herself falling under his spell. 

He just looked so fucking good lying there, staring up at her with a glimmer in his dark eyes. She could see the smile outlined under his mask. His hands had felt warm and firm around her own fingers. She missed his touch, there she said it, any touch on her body from Kakashi Hatake felt like heaven. He was far too cute, and the soft contact between them drove her crazy.

She wanted to punch herself for thinking such silly things. This was Kakashi, one of her frenemies. Not boyfriend material. Stupid. Silly. 

If only he didn't look so good, Jesus christ. Get your brain out of the gutter, Y/N.

Little did she know, his mind was already waist deep in those damn gutters and he was loving it.

"You really think that?"

"What? That you're ugly?" She asked, tilting her head to the side just a bit as if to think about it. Only a second later, another mischievous smile crossed her lips. "Of course."

He lifted his fingers to slid along her waist and down to her hips, fingers curling ever so slightly around her curves. She shuddered as his hands slid down to hold the sides of her bare thighs in his hands, his warm, strong hands with the softest fingertips. She wanted to die.

Had they kissed before? Yes. We're they somewhat romantically involved? Maybe. Did that give him any good reason to rest his rough hands on her thighs like that? Probably, and her thoughts were running a mile a minute at this point. 

"Kakashi...stop that," she said softly, her voice lowering from how it was before. She suddenly felt a lot smaller, scared even. Hooking up with Kakashi wasn't something she planned on doing anytime in the near future, if at all. He was her friend, and she felt strange sitting in his lap with his hands all over her. It felt so right but wrong at the same time, like she was breaking the law. Well, laws of friendship that is.

She cared about Kakashi, more than she wanted to admit. He wasn't just a friend, he was something weirdly in between and she couldn't exactly put her finger on how she felt about him. All she knew was that if she was going to have sex with this man, it would be the right way. They would have to date first. She wasn't just gonna sleep around this time. He was different. 

She wanted to impress him, to make him smile and laugh, to take him out to dinner and hold hands on their way home, to kiss at her doorstep. She wanted all of that before any of this.

His hands dropped from her sides and she crawled away from him, grabbing her blanket and cradling herself in it. "Listen, Y/N, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"I know, it's not your fault. Don't worry about it."

It was quiet. Just the sounds of both their breaths filling the air and the crickets chirping in the darkness outside. She shifted in her blanket to rest her head on the wall, leaning against it with her shoulder. He remained on his back, staring up at the empty ceiling tiles. 

It was now so terribly awkward. Thanks, Y/N.

Finally, he broke the silence. "You, uh, don't snore all that much. I was just teasing you."

"Thanks," she exhaled. "You're not as ugly as I said."

"I know."

Wow, Kakashi. So modest.

Her words fell right into place as she spoke, emotions slipping out with each breath. She looked at his profile in the dark, the way his bedhead stood on end, his nose pointed upward and his lips sat calmly, the curve of his chin under the edge of his mask, the way his eyes just sat there unmoving and gentle, brows soft above the eye. She took in all of him as she confessed, "I just don't want it to be like this. I don't want to fall for you this way."

"I get it."

"I just think that you and I could be something different. You're not like the other guys to me, at least, I don't think of you that way," she took a deep breath. He still stared deep in the ceiling, and somehow it made her comfortable enough to confess everything she'd been feeling. It was as if he could just lay there and listen without words forever. "I don't want you to just fuck me before we really...well I don't know, we've never even been on a date. I...I think I'm ready to fall in love with you."

"Then let's do it."

She peered over at him, lips agape with surprise. She hadn't expected much at all, but certainly not that. "What?"

"When we get back to the village, I'll take you on a date, more if things go well. We can take it as slow as you want," he told her, turning to lay on his side, facing her. He watched as she cuddled further into the comforter, only a peek of her face in his view. She was actually kinda cute through all those worn and torn layers. "I don't think I can let you go this time."

"Really?"

"Anything for you."

She ducked her head down to stare at the hardwood beneath her feet. She was overwhelmed by how nice he was being. Normally, it didn't go like this. Things normally got sexual so quick there wasn't even a chance for these sorts of conversations. It was just different with Kakashi. She could say no to him and expect better, because she knew he could deliver. "No one has ever treated me like this before."

He smiled. "Well, it's about time someone did."

"Can you hold me?"

"Come on." He lifted his arm up with the covers attached so she could crawl over and burrow herself next him, tucked right against his side. He rested his arm around her shoulders and held her close to his chest. Things were looking good for the both of them. Better than they had in a long time.

He wished this kind of thing could last forever. The beating of her heart, the laughter in her voice, the shine in her eyes. He just wished he could have bottled it all up and held it close to him for the rest of his life. 

But he waited too long, and the opportunity slipped from his grasp.

______

The pair fought hard. Kakashi was better than her, everyone knew that. The enemy targeted her for that reason. It was clear as day that she was important to Kakashi, and the enemy quickly caught onto that. He was quick to bring the knife to her neck, pressing the woman’s back tightly to his chest. The blade stung her skin, already piercing the flesh from the bit of pressure he applied.

She cried out, feeling a trail of blood begin running down her neck. Her nails clawed at his arm, desperate to get him to release her from his clutches, but he persisted. One hand held onto her chin tightly, keeping her face from thrashing, and the other continued to apply more and more pressure into the blade. 

For the first time in a long time, she found herself feeling unrestricted fear. She was scared. Scared for her life. She’d never been in this situation before, feeling so completely and utterly helpless like a deer caught in the headlights. Kakashi was right there, she should have known everything was going to be okay. After all, she had the village’s strongest veteran on her side.

It wasn’t the pain that caused the tears to bubble up in the corners of her eyes, no, it was Kakashi. The way his eyes darted over to the them, and she could feel his heart beginning to race, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end, and the fear creeping up into his heart. He never wore his heart on his sleeve. He was so closed off, sometimes she could only get a wisp of emotion from him, especially the ones that showed such vulnerability. 

Now it all seemed to come tumbling out like a landslide. She was drowning in fear, his and her own. 

“Let her go,” he called out, practically pleading with the man across from him, but it was in vain. 

“Like I’d listen to some filthy leaf shinobi,” the spy replied angrily. He felt so hot, burning up with so much anger she wanted to throw up. What had they done to upset him this badly? Her jaw was starting to ache from being held so tightly, and she swore she could taste blood running down her throat. This was bad. This was so terribly, miserably bad. 

Kakashi stood there, his hands hovering at his sides, unknowing of what to do. She was already bleeding out all over the collar of her shirt. If he made a single move, the man could easily finish the job with one fatal swipe. The copy nin felt cornered. Hopeless. What was there left to do? He’d let the love of his life fall in the hands of some petty criminal. 

Come on, think of something. Anything. Just think of something.

“What? You upset I’ve got your little girlfriend here?”

God, he was so desperate. The man taunting him didn’t help at all. He just felt himself spiralling deeper into hopelessness. He bargained, “Please, just let her go. I’ll give you whatever you want.” 

It wouldn’t work though. This man was set in his ways, and there was no changing that. He came into this fight knowing exactly what he wanted to do. And he was going to finish the job. 

“This is for what you shinobi have done to my people,” he sneered before she felt the knife dip further into her neck, sliding painfully across her throat. He dropped her head from his grasp, and as soon as he had, her body crumbled down to the ground. She collapsed in a bleeding heap on the dirt. 

The criminal quickly ran into the forest behind them, getting lost among the trees and the bushes within seconds. None of that mattered though. Kakashi could only run over to her limp body lying there on the ground, sputtering and coughing on thick blood filling her throat and lungs. Her cheeks and lips painted red now from spitting so much up. He fell to his knees beside her body, and for the first time in a long time, he felt a tear drip down his face.

She cried, hot tears running down her cheeks into the dirt on either side of her head. She cried for her pathetic self, having been attacked and injured in this way. She cried for Kakashi, feeling the pain and sadness, the panic, radiating off his form. She took in every emotion he was feeling, wanting to savor being with him for as long as she had, to fully take him in one last time. 

“Y/N, it’s gonna be okay,” he whispered, his hands running over her hair and cheek, smearing blood on her skin and his fingers. “We’ll bring you back to the village. The Hokage can fix you.” His words were so soft into the air, like if he spoke any louder he would hurt her.

They both knew that none of what he was saying was true. She was as good as dead.

She lifted her hand weakly to sit on his other hand. “I…” The woman took a labored breath.. “Love you, Kashi.”

“No, no, no. Don’t say that,” he hushed her, feeling his heart grow heavier in his chest with every second that passed, every look at her bloody neck and face, her laboring chest as she took hopeless breaths. He was falling apart in this moment, desperate for fate to change, for her to magically be better. He choked, “You can’t die, Y/N.”

“It’s okay.” Her words were slurred and hard to hear, liquid bubbling up in her throat to the point she was almost incomprehensible. “I love you,” she confessed once again. She wanted those to be her last ever words to him, the words he would remember for the rest of his life. To know someone out there loved him more than anything else.

He had to know that he was her everything. He was the best thing that ever happened to her, and she was going to miss him so terribly wherever her soul went after this. She just wished there was more time to tell him everything she felt. Yet, time was passing faster than she thought, and all those words felt impossible.

“I love you, too. You have to live for me. Just keep breathing, it's going to be okay.”

“It...hurts.”

More misery erupted his chest, and he found himself wanting to scream. Tears dripped steadily down both his cheeks now as he watched this woman die in front of him, one of the only people he truly needed in his life. “I know, baby, I know. I’m sorry I let this happen to you.”

She nodded faintly, her eyes beginning to close. He was starting to panic. Was this his last moment to say goodbye? Their time together was so short, how was this fair? He’d already lost everyone he ever cared about, and now this? He felt like the gods were laughing down at him and his misfortune. 

“You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know how I’ll do this without you.”

She didn’t respond, but she was still breathing. 

“Y/N, please.”

And he watched as her chest fell still and her labored breaths were silent on his ears. He found himself gathering her form up against his chest, her head cradled in the crook of his neck, just sobbing into her hair, weeping for a long lasting love gone in an instant. 

 He carried her body home that day himself. Something he never anticipated happening, but should have prepared for. He always thought he was going to watch as someone else carried her home to him, death long gone before he had the chance to see. He never thought it would be right in front of him. He thought he could protect her, save her from the clutches of fate. He was so wrong.

Kakashi was alone once again.

[drabbles-mc]

Stay Put

Juice Ortiz x F!Reader

Combining 2 Anonymous requests for this: Juice x female reader, where they are in Belfast - and when the barn explodes, reader was one of the ones inside, and got hit a bit in the explosion outside - getting flung a bit, and Juice comes running back because it's her. And she's fighting to get up despite her injury to check he's alright; and there's this small cute moment, before her adrenaline wears off and her injuries prevent her from standing. Maybe a, "well, that was cute", from Happy in his deadpan way & Juice x femreader, possibly a Teller, where, mother like daughter, she insisted going to Belfast with the sons. But, in her case, instead of staying at Ashby's with the girls, she snags a ride to the barn with the boys. She acquires a minor injury in the explosion (maybe pulling Paddy ((Chib's nephew)) of the truck to try and save some folks, and Juice get's really panicky - and it is revealed they're in a relationship

Warnings: language, angst, mentions of blood/injuries

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: I didn’t explicitly made the reader a Teller because I didn’t really feel like it would’ve added to the plot of this fic. But pretty much all of this other stuff is in here. Hope you enjoy! xo

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You’d spent most of the morning going tit-for-tat with the guys. It was a minor miracle that you had gotten to Belfast in the first place. It was all a blur at this point—between the chaos and the jetlag everything was starting to blur together. They hadn’t been happy about you managing to come along with them, but there was nothing to be done about it now.

However, insisting to come along with them on their run that day was pushing it, and you were meeting resistance at every turn. Things had already gotten heated between you and Jax and you really weren’t looking to get into another blowout if you could help it. However, none of the guys wanted to disagree with Jax at this point, and truthfully, they all wanted you safe back at the house with everyone else.

You stormed into the room that you were temporarily sharing with Juice, slamming the door behind you as you did. A few moments later you heard the quiet creaking of it slowly opening again. You stopped your pacing, turning to see who it was even though you already had a pretty good idea.

“Hey,” Juice softly shut the door behind him and walked towards you. He wanted to reach out and wrap you in a hug, but he stopped himself, “I’m sorry.”

“Why is it so different?” you shook your head, “You guys could all use the extra fucking backup, to be honest.”

Juice paused for a moment as he tried to carefully construct his answer. He didn’t want to upset you more, but he couldn’t deny that he’d rather have you out of harm’s way, “It’s club business. We…we don’t want you getting hurt in the middle of all this shit.”

“I’m already here, Juan!” you threw your hands up, “It’s a little late for that argument, isn’t it?”

“Hey,” he was so good at keeping his voice soft and gentle, especially with you, “I hear you, alright? I do,” he rested one hand on each of your arms, “But you gotta look at this from the other side of it. We don’t…we don’t trust them. We can’t take you with us when we don’t know how things are gonna go down.”

You shook your head, “I don’t need to be protected,” you waited for Juice to meet your eyes, “I don’t need you to protect me.”

You didn’t say it with the intention of hurting him, but you knew that it did. He tried so hard to keep you safe and happy. And normally he did that with no issue, which was impressive since the two of you were keeping things under wraps. You were surprised that the two of you got roomed together, but you figured that was because they assumed that Juice was the most harmless out of all the guys. In a lot of ways they were right. You saw it in his eyes that he hated the entire situation that you were in.

“I’m sorry,” you sighed, “I didn’t…I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”

He pulled you against his chest, “I know.”

You let yourself lean into him a little bit as you took a deep breath, “I know you don’t want me there, but—”

“It’s not that I don’t want—”

“Hear me out,” you ran your hands up and down his back, “I know you don’t want me there, but I can’t just sit back here and feel useless. There’s gotta be something I can do.”

He pressed a kiss to the edge of your forehead, “You’re not going to let it go, are you?”

You chuckled, “Does that sound like me at all?”

His chest vibrated with laughter but neither of you said anything else. You could feel him soaking up the contact with you, his hands carefully tracing along your sides and back like he was trying to memorize everything that he could. You reveled in his body heat, wishing that those moments didn’t have to be stolen.

You weren’t sure what exactly Juice said to the guys, but whatever it was must’ve been convincing because next thing you knew, you were going on the run with them. The two of you exchanged a brief look as you all got ready to head out. You mouthed a silent thank you and he nodded in response, but you could tell that he was conflicted about what he had done. There would be another conversation about it later, you were sure of it.

When you got to the barn, you could tell that things felt off. And if you could tell that things felt off, it must’ve been pretty obvious. You could feel the tension radiating off of Jax and the other guys in the MC. No one was saying anything, but they didn’t have to. The longer that you were all standing around waiting, the thicker the tension got.

You saw Juice get assigned to keep an eye on O’Neill and your stomach twisted into a knot. Everything felt wrong but there wasn’t anything that you could do about it at this point. Before you could think about it too much, you heard Juice’s voice cut through the air, “Hap,” he turned to you, “Y/N,” he nodded for the two of you to follow him.

You walked with the two of them, waiting for some kind of instruction as to what to do next. Juice leaned in close to you so no one else could hear, “Keep an eye on SAMBEL, alright? Anything seems off come and get me.”

You nodded and separated yourself from Juice and Happy. You laid low but kept yourself close enough to everyone outside to be able to hear what was being said for the most part. Every now and then you would look around, making sure that you could always see Juice and Happy regardless of where any of you were.

Within what felt like a split second, absolute chaos broke out. The barn doors were slammed shut and locked, guys taking off in every direction. Juice grabbed you roughly by the arm and pulled you along with him and Happy, desperate to make sure that the three of you stuck together. He let you go as he pulled out his gun, shooting at the lock on the door.

Over the sounds of everyone screaming, you heard the truck start inside the barn. Happy grabbed both you and Juice and yanked you to the side, out of the main line of fire when the truck came barreling through the side of the barn. You stumbled but managed to catch yourself just in time before completely wiping out.

As everyone was running and shouting and scrambling, all you could think of was when Chibs nearly got blown to pieces at T-M. Fear shot through you as you realized what was going on. You started shouting, telling everyone to get off and away from the truck. Everyone who heard knew exactly what you were thinking and like a hivemind everyone started to book it.

You didn’t know if it was bravery or a complete lapse in judgment, but you ran towards the truck, desperate to save anyone that you could. “Get off the fucking truck,” you jumped and tackled Chibs’ nephew to the ground. In no time at all you were back on your feet, practically dragging him by his kutte to get him as far away from the mess as you could.

You were fast, but not quite fast enough. The explosion was deafening and it propelled both you and Paddy forward, throwing you to the ground. Your head smacked into the ground and all your body could register was the ringing in your ears—you couldn’t even force your eyes open for a moment.

Adrenaline kicked in and you were able to open your eyes and push yourself up slightly, looking around to try and take in the damage. It was too much to process all at once, though. There was blood and bodies everywhere. You looked to your left and saw Paddy sprawled out in much the same position that you were. You reached over, slapping his back aggressively and were rewarded with a grunt. He was alive and that was all that you cared about.

“Y/N,” Juice was running over to you as you stood up, “Jesus fucking Christ.” You stumbled a few steps, eventually having to lean onto Juice for support. You winced and Juice looked you over, eyes getting wide when he saw the shrapnel sticking out of your calf, “Shit, your leg.”

You looked down and groaned, “Fuck me,” you peeled yourself off of him, determined to stand on your own, “It’s not an artery, I’ll be fine. Are our guys alright?”

“Y/N, fucking sit down, please,” Juice never spoke to you like that but you could feel the worry emanating from him.

“Juan,” you never called him that in front of everyone else, it felt too intimate to do in front of the club, “I’m fine. I promise.”

You went to take another step when both of your legs turned to complete jello underneath you. Juice quickly stepped in and caught you, keeping you from smacking your head off the ground a second time. Without thinking better of it he pressed a kiss to the side of your head as he helped you slowly sit down on the ground, being extra mindful of your leg.

“You’ve scared me enough today, alright? Just please do this one thing for me.”

You wanted to argue but you didn’t have the energy. Before you could come up with a half-assed attempt, you heard Happy let out a chuckle. Both you and Juice turned and looked at him, and despite the laugh that had come out of him only moments before, his face was as neutral as it ever was.

His eyes darted back and forth between the two of you, “Cute.”

That was all he said before walking away and continuing triage on the entire situation. Despite the pain, and the exhaustion, and the fear, you let out a laugh, “They blew up the barn and you blew our fucking cover, huh?”

Juice looked at you and shook his head, “Now is not the time for your commentary.”

“It’s always time for my commentary. I just saved that kid’s ass I get to have that much.”

He could see the dazed look in your eyes and he knew that you could be more than content to keep debating the point with him. He let it drop, just wanting you to sit still and not injure yourself further. Despite the fact that your brain felt scrambled, you could see it in his face that he was torn between staying with you, and going to help the rest of the guys.

“Go. I’ll stay put,” you patted his leg, “Promise.”

“I don’t believe you,” he shook his head.

Before the discussion could turn into an argument, Jax interrupted, “Get her to the van, Loverboy. Don’t break her other leg.”

“It’s not broken!” you shouted after him as Juice scooped you up off the ground.

“Why are you trying to start fights right now?” he mumbled as he carried you towards the car.

“She’s gotta balance out the good deeds,” Chibs chimed in with a laugh as he helped his nephew limp away from the wreckage, “We should bring her more often, lad.”

“Absolutely fucking no—”

“Yes!” you patted Juice’s chest, “Yes.”

He shook his head as he climbed into the back of the van with you, “You’re going to be the death of me if we make it back to Charming.”

[honey-milk-depresso]

Meanie (Azul Ashengrotto x Reader)

SORRY TWST COMMUNTITY TRYING TO GET AS MANY DRAFT ELIMINATED AS POSSIBLE SORRY FOR BLASTING SHIT IN YOUR FACE BUT LIKE HOPE YOU ENJOY PLEASE DON’T KILL ME-

Based on a manga I think you know when you read it-

I suck I know-

Warning: Slight under aged drinking but it’s purely fluff, nothing serious.

Part 1

part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8 (END)

“Sevens, y/n. What do you want?”

“A hang out! At the VIP room!”

“You know how much that’s going to cost you right? You don’t have much on you.”

“Yeah, yeah I know but, I spend it on my friend!”

“You’re paying me.”

“Exactly!”

Azul sighed in irritation. He can never get enough of you, can he?

“Fine.”

“YES!! I’ll bring some things along!”

=====================================================

“You got to be kidding me..”

Lying on the table, there were an assortment of chips, soft drinks, sweet snacks and to top it all off, a bottle of plum wine.

“Y/n, you shouldn’t be drinking. You’re under aged.”

You laughed heartily. “Don’t worry! It’s only once in a while! Besides, I really like plum wine! I’m not drinking it for the sake of looking cool! Ahehehe~!”

He sighed, putting his hat and jacket suit by the table and plopping himself on the couch, leaving him with his white collared shirt with his sleeves rolled up and pants.

He cringed slightly as all the snacks were unhealthy.

“Couldn’t you have bring snacks of healthier options?”

“Azul, you should treat yourself every once in a while. Being healthy is good, but you can eat junk just once! Besides, it’s a happy occasion!”

“You do this at least twice a week.”

“Not at night or with snacks.”

“True..”

He saw you stuff chips in your mouth in one goal, like a rapid animal.

“Geez, y/n eat slowly. You might choke.”

“Awww, does Azul care for me~?”

“I don’t want a dead body filled with chips in the VIP lounge.”

“So mean!!”

He smiled a little. Your outgoing and cheerful attitude annoyed him at times, but he still couldn’t help but smile at how endearing you could be.

“Geez, you eat like it’s the end of your world.”

Ah.

You took out a pack of poker cards and slam it on the table.

“LET’S PLAY!”

“SEVENS, Y/N! JUST PUT IT DOWN LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN AND NOT TREAT YOUR CARDS LIKE A HAMMER-”

“Well geez, sorry.”

You took the cards out and began shuffling them, clearing the snacks to one side and spreading the cards in a circle.

“Alright, the rules are simple: You can’t quit in the middle!”

“Well, obviously.”

You had always bring about weird games to play. Like the time you played with 2 chess boards for no reason. One to play chess and one to play checkers, then if you get to take one chess or checker piece away, you had to do math question on your assignment, both of which you lost, and had to do the homework yourself. So this isn’t new to him. Maybe you’ll pull out your magic history homework.

“Alright just pick a card!”

“I got the twelve of spades.”

“HAH! QUEEN OF HEARTS!!”

“You don’t have to yell.”

“Now, since I have the larger number, I’ll ask you truth or dare!”

“So, truth or dare??”

“Truth.”

“So~ Do you think Idia or Jade is more handsome to you?~”

He nearly spit out the canned grape juice he was drinking.

“W-what type of question is that?!”

“Those are the rules! If you don’t want to answer a question you pick “dare”! And with “dare”, I’ll make you do something and you can’t quit or complain!”

This is the game of the devil, he thought. What is worse? Answering your ridiculous question or doing you ridiculous “dare”?

Screw it. Better answer than do it, right?

“I’ll stick with truth...”

“Okay! So.. Idia or Jade is handsome to you??”

“......Idia..?”

“Oooh, really ? I thought Jade was pretty handsome himself though. Ah well!”

For some reason, he felt a little irritated when you said Jade was handsome.

“Moving along!”

You two pick your cards.

“Hmm~ five of diamonds? I got twelve of clovers!~~”

“Oh goodness..”

How is he having this much of bad luck today? He’s thinking you shuffled the cards in your favor.

A little flustered due to the plum wine, you slurred a little with the next question.

“Truth or dare??”

“Truth.”

“If Idia was a girl, and she’d be the prettiest girl in NRC, and everyone else are girls, where would I be ranked in looks?”

“What?”

“ANSWER MEEEE~”

“Second.”

“H-heh???” Now you were very flustered.

“So I am pretty to you??? Aww you’re so sweet, Azul!!”

“That’s because I can never imagine NRC being a girls’ school.”

“I-”

=====================================================

“Huh??? Aw man I got two of spades!”

“Twelve of hearts.”

“Oh no..”

Well looks like the tables have finally turned. 

After answering your many ridiculous dares, it’s finally his turn. By now he can tell you’re very drunk. You weren’t think straight and you were slurring and getting flustered a lot.

“Truth or dare.”

“TRUTH!”

He paused to think for a while on what he wanted to ask you.

“Have you ever had a first kiss?”

“HuH?? WHAT? ”

“Silence fool.”

“MEANIE!!”

“But... No I haven’t. Wonder who would wanna kiss me~~?”

“Your lips would reek plum wine, I don’t think anyone would.”

“HEY AZULLL I THOUGHT WE WERE FREINDSSS!!!”

He smiled.

“I’m just joking.”

=============================================================

“Hehehehe~ Truth or dare??~~”

“...dare.”

He said hesitantly. It’s been what? 9 to 11 rounds already and you only had truths, while you complained all his questions were like job interview questions.

“Ohohoho~ Well then,” you spread your arms open, “carry meee to beddd~~”

He blanked. His face was unreadable.

“Hey! Carry-”

Suddenly, you felt your entire body being lifted from the couch. Azul was carrying you bridal style close to his chest. You felt his steady heartbeat and you couldn’t help but blush at the sudden contact.

He went over to the secret guest bedroom and plopped you down on the bed.

“I’ll make sure you’ll go back to Ramshackle tomorrow. It’s a weekend anyways.”

You buried your face in your hands as you squirmed, giggling.

“Ehehehehe~~ That really surprised me! Thank you, Azul!~~”

“Okay, Azul! Pick a card for me.”

“It’s getting very late.”

“But like what you said tomorrow is the weekend!!!!”

“Still. You should be sleeping.”

“Okay! One last dare! I promise!”

He sighed. “Fine.”

He picked a card.

“What did I get??”

“King of Spades.”

“Oooh~ What did you get???”

He picked a card. “Three clovers.”

“Hmmm~ My turn then! This one would be truth only!”

You paused and he heard the blankets being ruffled as you shifted to a different position.

“If I said.. I was really scared of dying, what would you do?”

He swerved his head to look at you, his eyes scanning you.

You were completely calm that it scared him.

“Nonsense, you aren’t going to die.”

Right?

“Aheheheh~ Well I’m super tired! You should go to sleep too!”

He off the lights, the only light shining now was the lamp beside your bed on the night stand.

“Call me when you wake up. I’ll be in my room.”

“Got it~!”

And he closed the door.

To be continued..

=========================

HEYA FOLKS WANT ME TO DO PART 2??? Just reblog or request I don’t know I-

I died.

[thefactsofthematter]

hi bestie <3 you said send in some requests, so i'm suggesting:

javid with, "it's not okay! you're not fine!"?

i hope you have a good day !!!

hi bestie <333 i had so much fun with this, i haven't done a short little fic in ages!! here's a 2.7k javid fic - a college au and a classic (emotional) hurt/comfort type deal, heavy on the comfort ;)

-

"Wanna come for dinner at my parents' house tonight?"

Davey is laying on Jack's couch after his last class of the day, since Jack's apartment is just off campus, and it's a ridiculously convenient place to go nap after a long day of school. He honestly spends more time here than at his own apartment that he shares with his sister, a short train ride away.

"I'd love to," Jack replies, his gaze still glued to his computer screen, "but I totally forgot I have an art history paper due at midnight, analyzing a painting, and I haven't started. It needs to be ten pages, and I don't even have an outline. I'm gonna sit here and write until my eyeballs fall out."

Davey laughs softly.

"That sucks. Do you at least have some research done?"

Jack turns to him with completely dead eyes.

"Not a single academic source."

Davey glances at the clock. Jack has seven hours to pull this off, which is doable, but... intense. It would've been a lot easier to spread it out over a few afternoons, and it'll be a painful squeeze to get ten comprehensible pages of writing done tonight. Jack can write decently fast, but his spelling and grammar are atrocious, so he'll have to factor in editing time too. Davey is not envious of these circumstances in the slightest.

"Shit. Good luck. That sounds awful, but I'm rooting for you. What's your prof's late assignment policy?"

Jack, entirely beaten down, leans forward to rest his forehead on his keyboard.

"He won't accept them past the due date without a good reason... which I don't have. I'm just an idiot and forgot to put it in my planner— thank god Romeo texted me today to ask if I was done."

Davey pushes himself up and walks over to where Jack is sitting at his little dining table, under the constantly-flickering fluorescent bulb. He wraps his arms around Jack's shoulders and kisses the back of his neck.

"You got this. I'll come back here after dinner and bring you leftovers, okay? My mom's gonna be sad you couldn't make it, so she'll totally pack up a plate for you."

"You don't have to come all the way here," Jack sighs. "Your place is closer to your parents, and this is out of your way— you have work in the morning anyways, so you should go home and go to bed. I'll be fine, I'll probably write faster alone anyways."

Davey kisses him again, this time leaning around to plant one on his cheek.

"If you're sure." Jack's plan is probably the smart move, since Davey's shifts at his stupid coffee shop job start ridiculously early, and coming here would mean staying up with Jack until he finishes, probably distracting him. "In that case, I'll see you tomorrow after work, and I'll bring the food then... keep me posted about the paper, text me when you finish. And make sure you eat something."

Jack turns back to look at him with a strained, stressed attempt at a smile.

"For sure. Go have a nice time with your family, and tell everyone I say hi."

-

"Aba, you're doing it wrong. You have to use your left arm."

It's getting late in the evening, dinner has been eaten, and Les is trying to coordinate the family to make a TikTok with him. It's not exactly going well.

"My left or your left?"

"It doesn't matter, we have the same left!"

Davey has thankfully been placed in the back row, both because he's tall and lanky, and because he's so uncoordinated that Mom used to make you wear one of those leash backpacks as a kid to keep you from wandering into traffic... which is true, but Davey isn't sure why Les even knows about that. He certainly wasn't around yet when that was the case, so he probably heard it from Sarah.

While Les tries once again to explain how this little dance is supposed to work, Davey's phone starts to buzz in his pocket. It's probably a spam call, but he's not particularly invested in the dance lesson so he pulls it out to check.

Incoming call: cowboy babyy 💖🤠

Davey frowns. Jack never calls him. It's always texts or voice memos, since he's got some kind of weird aversion to talking on the phone. If he's calling, it must be important.

"Hi babe," he says, pressing his phone to his ear and walking off to his old bedroom to get some quiet, while Les shouts at him in the background for not taking this seriously. "How's the homework going?"

Jack is quiet for a second too long as Davey toes the door shut.

"...Not great. I'm really frustrated." He pauses and sniffles a little, sounding almost like he's holding back tears. "I don't know why I called you while you're having a good time with your family, though. I shouldn't be bugging you."

"Hey," Davey breathes, "you're not bugging me at all, sweetheart. Is the paper not going well?"

"I just... I'm so bad at writing, and I don't know what I'm talking about, and I have no idea how I'm gonna get this done in time." His voice is shaking, and it's breaking Davey's heart a little. "I'm being dramatic, though. I just need to keep working on it."

Davey sits down on the edge of what's now a guest bed, his old outer space-themed comforter replaced with something more neutral.

"You're not dramatic, it's okay to be upset. Do you want me to come over and help?"

Jack's breath hitches softly, and it confirms that he's almost definitely crying.

"You don't have to, you're busy with your folks. I'm sorry for calling." He shudders a little as he must try to take a deep breath. "It's okay... I'm fine."

Davey sighs, almost exasperated with Jack's self-sacrificial sense of pride. He'll never ask for anything for himself, not wanting anyone to go out of their way for him, even when he seems to be having a panic attack of sorts.

"It's not okay; you're clearly not fine, Jackie," he replies. "We already ate, and I'm not busy. If you want me to come over, I'll be there... do you?"

Jack is quiet for a moment again, taking a deep, shaky breath.

"Yeah. I do."

Davey nods, though Jack can't see him.

"Okay. I want you to take a little break from writing until I get there, alright? Change into your pyjamas and have a glass of water. Try to relax a little."

"Okay... thanks Davey."

The call ends, and Davey rejoins his family while tucking his phone away in his pocket.

"I have to go." He kisses his mother on the head as he walks by. "Thanks for dinner, Ima."

"Is everything okay?" she asks, catching him gently by the elbow before he can get too far.

"Yeah..." he sighs. "Jack's just having a hard time with homework, I'm gonna go help him out."

His father ruffles his hair and gives him a quick hug.

"You're a good boy, David. Take him those leftovers— your mother's cooking can fix anything."

"For sure. I'll see you guys next weekend, and I'll try to bring Jack along then."

He waves goodbye to Sarah and Les, grabs the dish of food, and then sets off on a speed-walk to the nearest subway station.

-

Jack is sitting on the couch when he arrives, his knees pulled to his chest, looking very soft and cozy in pyjama pants and one of Davey's old hoodies from some baseball tournament. He's staring into space, and he hardly even moves to acknowledge Davey's presence when he walks in.

"Hey darling." Davey leaves the dish of food on the counter and crouches down in front of Jack to try and catch his eye-line. He carefully takes Jack's hands in his own. "Hanging in there?"

Jack finally looks at him and nods, but as he blinks, more tears slip out and roll down his cheeks.

"I'm only done two pages," he mumbles, practically whispering. "I don't know why it's so hard, but I just can't do it."

"Oh, Jackie..." Davey reaches up to wipe Jack's tears, cupping his face gently with both hands. "Hey, you still have three hours, right?" Jack nods. "That's lots of time. We're gonna figure this out... let's just sit here and calm down a little first. It's gonna be okay."

He climbs up onto the couch to pull Jack into a hug, and the moment he's settled, Jack wraps his arms around him and breaks, sobbing into his shoulder. Davey cards his fingers through his hair and rubs his back; he's never seen Jack this distraught, especially not over homework. There's a good chance the problem runs a lot deeper, and stressing over an assignment was simply the last straw.

"You're alright," Davey continues, since talking is what he does best, even in moments like this. Jack is shaking with the force of his tears, breathing so hard Davey worries he might hyperventilate. "Listen, it's just one assignment, my love... if you get a bad grade, or if we don't finish in time, we can deal with that. We'll hand in whatever we finish tonight, so at least you won't get a zero. Worst case scenario, you retake this class in the spring... even that doesn't sound so bad, does it? I know you could handle it, if that's what happens."

Jack nods a little, but his tears don't stop.

"I'm so tired of being stupid," he hiccups, after a long while. "I keep getting distracted, and I can't word things right, and I spell everything wrong, and- and maybe I should just drop out, because I'm clearly not meant to be doing this."

"Baby..." Davey sighs, giving him a gentle kiss on the temple. "You're so intelligent, Jack. You're almost done your degree— after this term, you've only got one year left, and it's not like you do poorly in your classes, is it? Even when it's something hard for you, like writing, you always do well when you put in the work. What did you get on your sociology paper a couple weeks ago?"

"Ninety percent," Jack mumbles, muffled by the way he's speaking into Davey's shoulder. "But I spent so long on it, and you edited it for me. I'm gonna fail this one. I can't do it in one night, and I can't write papers without your help."

"Well, I'm here to help now, aren't I?" He rests his hand midway through brushing it through Jack's hair and scratches his scalp gently, which makes Jack shiver and laugh quietly through his tears. "Right? And you can write, darling— all I do is fix up the spelling and grammar for you. The ideas and words are all you, just like when you give presentations and knock it out of the park every time. I sure can't do that."

Jack finally looks up at him.

"Yes you can. You get nervous beforehand, but when you do a presentation, it's always really good."

Davey smiles at him, now that they're actually looking at each other.

"It's hard for me, though. Just like writing is for you— but with lots of effort, you're really good at it. See my point?"

Slowly, a small smile spreads across Jack's teary-eyed face, and he nods. Davey feels rather accomplished with this development.

"I guess so." He wipes at his eyes and sighs. "Sorry about this. I'm such a mess."

"No apologies. I don't blame you for getting overwhelmed— you're in a tough spot here." He pulls Jack in for a quick kiss, which they both smile into. "I brought you dinner. Go heat it up when you're ready; I'll look over what you've written so far and see if I can come up with some more ideas to add on. We're gonna work together on it, okay? What painting did you choose?"

"The Martyrdom of Saint Matthew by Caravaggio," Jack sighs, looking almost forlornly at his computer on the table. "I have a lot to say about it, and lots of good stuff in my notes, but I just can't put it into paragraphs and sentences that make sense."

Davey nods, watching Jack as he stands up to go put the leftovers from Davey's family in the microwave.

"Well, I don't know anything about paintings, but if you talk me through it, I can help you put the actual paper together." He pauses as an idea dawns on him. "I'm gonna email your professor and ask about an extension— it might be a shot in the dark, but we should at least try. The worst he can do is say no."

"Sure," Jack replies from the kitchen, his voice still shaky. "He's a total hardass, though. Fingers crossed for a miracle."

Davey sits at the table, opens up Jack's email, and starts a draft.

Hi Professor Diaz,

Apologies for the short notice, but I'm wondering if it would be possible to have an extension on the analysis assignment, even if it's just by a few hours. I unfortunately mixed up some due dates in my planner, and I thought I had an extra week for this assignment; I only realized the mistake today, so I'm currently scrambling to get it done in time.

Would it be at all possible to turn it in a few hours late, just to have a bit more time to finish it up? I would really appreciate any amount of time you're willing to give me.

Thank you in advance for your understanding, Jack Kelly

He shrugs, sends it, and sincerely hopes a little professionalism and a decent (if slightly fabricated to make Jack look less forgetful) excuse will go a long way.

-

It's quarter to eleven, the paper is now five-and-a-half pages long, and Jack isn't crying anymore. He's in the zone, talking aloud about the painting while Davey helps him get his vague ideas into concrete sentences, and they're on track to have at least seven or eight pages by the time midnight rolls around— it might not get full marks, but it'll be better than nothing.

Jack's computer dings with the sound of a new email while they're taking a two-minute break— something they've interspersed every half hour, since Jack's focus is best in shorter bouts. He's in the middle of walking laps around the apartment to get his energy out and annoy his downstairs neighbours, but he scrambles back to the computer at the noise.

"We got a reply!" he shouts.

Davey is over on the couch, and he watches Jack's face closely as he opens the email. So far, so good... and then he slumps down in his chair in a show of what could either be defeat or relief. Davey can't quite tell, so he jumps up to go read it for himself.

Sure. Email it by 11:59pm tomorrow.

Sent from my iPhone

"Yes!" Davey shouts, grabbing Jack by the shoulders. "I told you it was worth a shot!"

Jack laughs, and then reaches up to pull Davey down for a kiss.

"You're the best, Jacobs. A fucking lifesaver." He rubs at his eyes, and then pushes his computer away, across the table. "I'll deal with this tomorrow. Let's just go to bed— you still have to be up early."

Right. Davey has a dreaded Saturday morning opening shift tomorrow— they open at five, and he has to be there well in advance to get set up, so he's got no chance at getting more than a few hours of sleep. He's going to be dead on his feet in the morning, probably fuck up a few coffee orders, but it'll be worth it to have helped Jack through tonight.

Poor Jack seems completely exhausted— as anyone would be after crying so hard earlier— so collapsing into bed after washing up quickly is an utter relief. Davey, despite being tall and long-limbed, greatly enjoys being the little spoon and Jack is happy to indulge him, so they curl into the familiar position.

"Thank you for everything tonight," Jack whispers, practically into Davey's ear. "I love you so much."

Davey smiles as his eyes fall shut, and he kisses Jack's knuckles softly, where his arm is wrapped around him.

"Any time, darling. I love you too."