#i actually have no issue if sinners go to hell for being gay

[phddyke]

Hazbin Hotel is actually healing my inner ex-Christian so hard.

No joke, I nearly started cheering when Lute called Charlie and Vaggie’s love “vile and blasphemous” (and then burst out laughing when Adam immediately followed it up with “Hot as fuck though”). I know that may sound weird considering that I am, in fact, a lesbian, but here me out:

Seeing Christians being explicitly homophobic onscreen? It validates me. It makes me think “Oh yeah, I’m not crazy, Christians are that hateful!” And, call me crazy, but I think homophobia being tied in with villainy is a good thing. Neither Adam or Lute are supposed to be good people; they are very obviously the villain, and that establishes their behavior as bad. Someone on Twitter said that Lute gave them religious fanatic vibes and I couldn’t agree more.

And here’s the thing, too: it’s explicit homophobia, not some dumb metaphor. There’s no way to take it as anything else. And I really need that. I need to see Christians being explicitly homophobic onscreen in the same way that other people need and create worlds where homophobia doesn’t exist.

But me? I want my pain and suffering acknowledged. I want the harm that Christianity does acknowledged. Homophobia is real and the religious kind doubly so. I related to Vaggie so much in that episode; I felt her trepidation about going back to Heaven. Felt like a good metaphor for escaping a fundamentalist church only to be forced to visit again.

And Viv is not afraid to explicitly point this out and criticize them. Like, yes! Say it! They are hypocrites! They don’t care about people being better, they only care about punishment! They maimed one of their own and left her to die because she spared a child! They’re homophobic freaks! They would never see the good that Angel does and how he’s improved and is wonderful, they only see that he’s a drug addict and a sex worker and think he’s worthless for that even though Jesus broke bread with sex workers and people considered the dregs of society. (And of course Angel is gay on top of that.)

And another thing: not only did the Adam line make me laugh, but the second homophobic Lute line about “he blew his shot like the cocks in his mouth” cracked me up too. It reminded me of the pilot where Katie Killjoy said “I don’t touch the gays” to Charlie, which is a line that made me laugh for 4+ years straight. When I told my brother that was the funniest homophobia I’d ever heard in media, he very wisely said, “All homophobia is funny if you think about it.” And you know what? He’s right. It is funny, because it’s so fundamentally goddamn stupid, so let’s give characters ridiculous lines so everyone can laugh at how idiotic they and their beliefs sound.

[thoughtsbydorian]

Random Hazbin HCs cause I can’t sleep

- The cannibals don’t have eyes because they eat them after they regenerate. Cannibal town works so well because no one actually dies they just take turns being eaten before regenerating. Cannibals are NOT hellborn, rather most of them are victorian folks who indulged in the mummy craze.

- Molly died before angel dust, i think she died in a shooting because of the mafia when they were teens/young adults. Hence why Molly was never really involved in the family business and I think it could also account for Angel’s turn to illicit substances.

- Angel and Husk knew each other in life, maybe even hooked up briefly. Husk is actually the younger of the two but not by a lot.

- Charlie used to have another group of sinner friends but they were all killed in the first extermination.

- Angel and Alastor are the only ones of the main crew who were never married in life.

- Nifty got married her senior year of high school and did her best to be the perfect wife. She had some fertility issues and had mental breakdown, causing her husband and family to have her institutionalized. After a while she escaped and took out her rage on her husband and her older cousin who he was cheating on her with. She ended up setting the house on fire and causing a small explosion in which she lost an eye. However she tried to continue her rampage, going to her parents where her father was the one who shot her down.

- Vaggie was never alive. Rather she was created to care for children souls in heaven before she was recruited to be an exorcist. Part of the reason she became an exorcist was to protect the kids. She was under the impression that all children went to heaven. Though when she went to kill the cannibal kid, she realized she was wrong and the system was far more flawed than she realized.

- Angel was a an overlord under his father for the first few years he was in hell (leaving after he realized that he didn’t need to pretend he wasn’t gay anymore)

- Every so often Charlie locks her self away to cry about the idea of losing all here friends

- Alastor has a very strict moral code when it comes to who he kills. He only kills those who take advantage or abuse of others. Which is why he didn’t kill Husk when he could’ve.

- Nifty and Alastor would tag team Valentino so hard

- Part of the reason Vaggie didn’t put together that Angelic weapons could harm angels is because she thought she had already fallen before her eye was cut out. She thought the mere thought of questioning the system made her fall.

- Valentino has a major superiority complex, so he thinks he’s the one in charge of the Vees when in reality he’s the last person to be consulted on big decisions.

- Vox was a small local news reporter with dreams of going national. Unfortunately that never happened as he was killed by a falling set piece on live, making him more famous in his death than in his life.

- Sir Pentious had two sons when he was alive. One lived well into adulthood, the other died when he was barely a teen from typhoid or some other old timey disease. It’d be the same disease the Pent ends up dying from. Though not before he starts obsessing over how to cure it, his other son continues his work and ends up discovering the vaccine for it.

- Pentious was a snake’s oil salesman for most of his life.

- Nifty had a lobotomy in life

- If others hadn’t been there, the val and charlie would’ve ended much differently(she was ready to kill him before angie stopped her)

- Charlie has tried to cut her hair short(like pixie) multiple times but whenever she loses control of her powers it just grows back, the only loophole for some reason being and undercut or side cut. as long as the hair on the crown of her head is long it’s fine.

- Alastor’s mom was a teen mom; my brain says 13 or 14. Her parents kicked her out after they found out she was pregnant forcing her to become fully dependent on her (now) husband. They had a shotgun wedding and a really tumultuous marriage. His dad left them both when he was 5 or 6. He also isn’t an only child though i’m not sure if he has a younger sibling or older. probably younger.

- Husk’s actual name is Jack, it’s part of his deal with Alastor that his old name was sold to Alastor. Him and anyone who knew him as Jack have completely forgotten it, they know his past but think he’s always been Husk. I’d like to think if he or anyone else rediscovers his name the deal would broken, kind rumplstisken vibes.

- Quite a lot of the sinners had kids in life, most of them assume that their kids ended up in heaven.

- Sir Pentious’ sons did end up in heaven and recognized him instantly and was elated to see his dad after so long.

[gemsofthegalaxy]

i havent seen major discourse or anger around this in the first place but i have seen people discussing why Lust and Gluttony are "better" sins than Greed and generally people we can root for and,

i am throwing my hat in the ring with the theory that like... Lust and Gluttony are simply not as powerful because they aren't, well, that bad. especially considering the context this show is being written in being in the early 21st century

Lust is not inherently evil by the typical definition of "desiring sex for pleasure" (as opposed to making more of God's children...). Gluttony is most problematic when there's not enough to go around, the idea that overeating in and of itself being sinful is kinda like wild tbh; sure, drinking too much can be an issue, and it makes sense the show focuses more on overindulgence of drugs/alcohol but even then.... like, drinking and being addicted to drugs is in real life less a moral problem and more a societal one. People can indulge in drugs and alcohol in a safe way, and when habits become problematic, well, it still doesn't make someone a bad person. decriminalization and harm reduction are better than stigmatizing and demonizing people who use drugs.

a lot of us in the 21st century have a more nuanced view on Lust and Gluttony to varying degrees, but the Seven Deadly Sins are usually taken as-is, so we're playing with them as they are. I think it's neat and lowkey a fair thing to depict these sins as.. not that bad, actually. Because it's kinda fucked up the system literally demonizes them in the first place? And i think that's... part of the point the show is making.

this idea is only strengthened by looking at Hazbin Hotel. Charlie, the Princess of Hell, is adamant that Sinners can get better. And who is the first person to join her hotel? An addicted porn star

Someone who, in real life, many many of us would actually argue doesn't deserve to go to hell in the first place. The only one Angel usually is seen hurting is himself, with only occasionally pushing Husk's boundaries but stopping pretty quickly when confronted. Why did he deserve to go to hell? because he's fucking gay?? because he liked sex or drugs during his life? I think many of us, esp those who would be attracted to these shows in the first place, would agree that those things do not make you worthy of hell.

i know Hazbin and Helluva are not, like, super duper serious deep shows but they do actually seek to make you question, you know, why do these people end up in hell? Why is Angel down there alongside murderers? Heaven literally lets a misogynist dickhead like Adam have tons of power and control.... maybe, like, it's not all it's cracked up to be? lol

[edwardslostalchemy]

Listen to me, I've learned from going to church that we must love the sinner and not the sin. And yeah, i get that, that's like. That makes sense. So when it comes to LGBTQ+, because the actions the church considers to be sins are gay sex and changing your gender because you're not happy with the one you were born with (which is honestly so hypocritical because heterosexual sex - when done out of wedlock is a sin, too), then the best thing to do is to love the sinners.

But church goers and evangelicals don't do it in a way that shows love, in my opinion. They do it by discriminating and by telling people they're doing wrong, they're going to hell, they should be doing things differently so they can stop their current lifestyles and seek out the Lord.

I'm not against seeking out the Lord at all.

What confuses me is if you're going to show people you love them, what do you usually do? You support them, right? You show that you care about them, listen to them, defend them, even advocate for them.

This is where evangelicals turn left and do the opposite. They don't do this. They discriminate and instead they actually show hatred and it's disgusting. Their bigotry is heinous.

The way to show love to people who are struggling, like REALLY show you love them, is to stand up for them. Evangelicals do not stop to think about the mental health or the struggles that the queer community goes through individually and as a whole. They go through discrimination, they have mental health issues, they have suicidal ideations/thoughts, they are in need of resources whether it be to have better living conditions or something similar, they need therapy and counseling, they've been kicked out of their homes, their families disown them, they want to be themselves but have to hide who they are because they fear getting hurt.

As a bi ace person who goes to church, I'm often baffled by some of the sermons given by the pastors at my church. One of them, she takes being queer as one of the signs of the end of the world. If only she'd see us as people instead of just sinners, that would be great.

Idk. I think they're doing it wrong. I think if they showed that they value our community as people, they could get their point across better so others could seek out the Lord. Because when they act in a negative way, they make it seem like our God is horrible, but He isn't. Like show your kindness because Jesus wants for us to love one another. That's one of His new commandments.

[velvyy]

I remember you talking about Angel a little bit ago and how you didn't think he was as bad as everybody else was saying. What makes him appeal to you, I can't really get behind him in all honesty.

So I keep getting asks regarding to clarify my stance on Angel, and while I don’t mind this despite getting asks about it even now from HH fans and non-fans alike, receiving charitable and uncharitable asks and takes simultaneously from both, I might as well answer because I’m getting a bit tired of it. Not on here that often and every time there’s a new ask regarding it and I don’t understand why people want my take on this, despite me having already given one, or the clarification. That being said, my mind has changed a bit on the subject, and I kind of wanna give a small analysis on Angel and how I feel about him now, so here we are.

 Firstly, the debate surrounding Angel Dust is off-putting to me because while I seemingly see both sentiments, I also feel as though they’re both simultaneously wrong. The positions are usually “Angel Dust represents a harmful stereotype that contributes to our marginalization and is a literal walking sex joke and nothing else.” and “Angel Dust is a hooker. A sex worker, prostitute. He’s supposed to be in hell. He’s supposed to be bad and awful. Moron” and really, I dislike both of these takes for rather similar reasons. Reason being is that I feel that it’s addressing the wrong thing here, which is the characterization of Angel, and not really what the over-arching narrative and well, show itself has to say about Angel, and I also feel that the issue here isn’t homophobia as much as it involves vilifying sex work potentially.

My issue with the first take is that obviously, we’ve barely scratched the surface with this character. I will say that the way he was introduced in the pilot was left to be desired. Not that he was offensive or meant to be a major middle finger to the gay community, but simply because we typically see big, larger, main traits of a character in a pilot. In Angel, we primarily see him embodying those things that many of the “HH hate crowd” disliked about him. Upon first introduction, he genuinely does come off as a stereotype, something that was written solely for the purpose of being “the gay” and nothing else admittedly. While said analysis is probably inaccurate, I don’t blame anyone for initially feeling that way, and coming to their own conclusions. Recognize that everybody’s opinion on Angel is all pretty much based on first impressions, because we only have so much to say about him at the moment. There isn’t even a show. It’s the pilot. Things even now can still change greatly. However, Angel in the show, being a prostitute, and a sex worker, seem very much rooted in his character primarily because many of his own personal struggles also lie in the fact that he’s someone who’s also victim to sexual assault, exploitation, which obviously has connections to his occupation. We can say that many of his actions are rooted in not only his job, and experiences, but also the mask he wears to hide his pain. I feel like to simply look at that and say “Fuck Angel Dust, he’s harmful.” is simultaneously neglecting a silent minority in the gay community that genuinely deals with the hardships of sex work in real life. You don’t see that type of humanity brought to the forefront in regards to gay sex workers in media. They’re usually there to be mocked at, and while you could say Angel comes off that way initially, additional context in the comics and Addict suggests otherwise. He’s not Alastor. He doesn’t have all these special abilities aside from being able to manifest guns and bombs, and probably shoot webs out of his anus or something. Angel is in pain, and in a situation where he feels stuck. He feels like he’s on a leash and only copes in the way he knows how, that being hedonistic actions and such. As to what the general narrative and world of Hazbin might have to say? We don’t know, and that could vary. We don’t have a conclusion as to what the world of Hazbin has to say about Angel, and whether or not he needs to be “redeemed” which is an issue I take on its own. I will get into that shortly.

I take issue with the second take for similar reasons as previously stated, but it has less to do with the analysis coming from the people who say this sort of thing, and more about what it reveals about the people saying “He’s a prostitute. He’s supposed to be in hell. He’s baaaaad.” Because it shows a type of reactionary sentiment that justifies the villainizing of sex workers, and also goes to show that they probably appreciate Angel’s character for the same reason those who despise Angel, are critical of. They find him funny potentially because in their mind, Angel is something to be mocked. Because he’s a “freak” in the sense that he’s this awful, slutty monster, seemingly missing the intentions behind writing Angel the way he is, as a way of potentially showing a sign of sympathy towards the livelihoods of real life sex workers. Instead these people probably don’t think too highly of people who work in that industry and view them as a circus act, the same way they might view Angel as the funny token gay man, and it shows that people appreciate this character for very different reasons. Not to mention, this take is not a very good defense. Does someone being in hell necessarily necessitate them to be “offensive?” A very non-offensive, non-confrontational, seemingly polite person could be the most awful person when the optics of civility are stripped away... Like a politician.

However, I end up pondering about what the narrative itself has to say about Angel needing to be redeemed. Because of the pilot’s highlight on his hypersexual manner, I end up asking myself what he needs to be redeemed from. His sex work and sexual nature certainly doesn’t make him a bad person. His violence probably does, but there’s so much emphasis on the sexual side of him and not the “gangster” side of him, and suggesting that people who are exploited by the industry they work in need to be “redeemed” almost insinuates like they’re doing something wrong. As if it potentially shares the same reactionary sentiment about sex workers that those who view Angel as a laughing stock do. Now, if “redemption” is a euphemism for “rehabilitation” then I would view this differently. However, in the pilot, the term “rehabilitation” and “redemption” are both used, seemingly interchangeably, despite both of these terms having different meanings. In terms of Hazbin, since we’re in hell, which is based on the Christian mythos (most likely also inspired by other cultural interpretations of a bad afterlife) “redemption” here is probably referring to the absolving of sins and what have you, although we don’t really know what Hazbin’s criteria for being worthy of Hell is, and said criteria is also never questioned. We just know that everybody there in hell is supposed to be bad as the latter say, and that’s that. They’re all “sinful”, all worthy of being considered bad people despite some clearly not being so... awful. Vaggie isn’t so awful. She’s a bit angry, but for a good reason. Why is she in hell with literal murderers, homophobes, gangsters, etc? Of course we don’t know much about her yet, but she seems substantially more innocent than say Alastor, who’s a literal serial killer. But according to fans, she’s in hell. So she’s bad. Bad people go to hell, and hell is where the bad people reside in, and all are in need of rehabilitation or “redemption” in order to achieve/attain heaven. (obligatory jojo reference heehee) Issue being that what’s good and bad is subjective, and despite nobody being morally perfect, they’re just in this place together with no real chance of redemption, while being told by the dominant structure and culture in hell that nobody really even wants to be “redeemed”, despite nobody wanting to be there, and probably housing some regret, only to be chained down by a culture of doubt, and many of these inhabitants probably not even really needing to be “redeemed.” There are people who are there for probably very irrational reasons, like stealing some stuff from a grocery store or something. Hell, even if someone is a murderer, what if they murdered in self-defense? Or trying to protect their family? Are they, a sinner, in need of being absolved, and to confess their sin of wanting to survive? Many “sinners” are probably people who come from unfortunate circumstances, and are forced to adapt to certain conditions that force them to do things that are considered “sinful.”

Of course, this is all very assumptive. For all we know, Hazbin could very well go into detail about this type of thing, and I’d be all for it. I feel like a lot of the former critique I’ve mentioned would be cleared away and people would be able to actually make a formed opinion on characters like Angel instead of the typical surface level takes I usually see. I’d be highly disappointed if the writers of Hazbin didn’t go down this route and question the very nature of this Heaven and Hell dichotomy and the moral code and structure presented. I have to clarify though. I’m not “behind” Angel. I acknowledge his character and how he’s written, and honestly thought the way he was shown initially was sub-par, and still believe that. My irritation revolves around fans and non-fans alike thinking they have a finalized idea of what Angel is, when they don’t, and then you have Youtubers making videos pretending it’s flawless while making statements about how stereotypes are apparently not harmful at all while making the assumption that every harsh criticism is a result of people wanting to ALL destroy Vivienne’s career when that’s just as reductive as saying that Viv is evil for shit she did years ago.

Aside from this, there’s still other things about Hazbin too. Vaggie even now I still can’t really see how she’s in anyway offensive or purposely off-putting. She’s angry because she has to react to a world who wants to take advantage of her, and her girlfriend. I’d be pissed too. She isn’t angry because she’s written to be the angry latina (despite Viv’s dumb tweet about “I’M A FIERY LATINA TOO WEE”). Alastor is a subject of discussion too because of the whole voodoo thing despite him passing as very, very caucasian and white, while also claims of cultural appropriation due to the certain iconography used when Alastor exhibits his power while playing into that “spooky voodoo” stereotype. I don’t have much to say on this because I’m simply not that familiar the religious practice aside from it having origins in Western Africa, and the Caribbean. Some say Alastor is biracial but that isn’t confirmed I don’t think. Some people say Hazbin is bad because of a Jeffery Dahmer joke, and saying that Katie Killjoy is proof of homophobia despite her being pointed out as an actual piece of shit with zero standards.

It’s all crazy. I look forward to what the Hazbin crew do with Hazbin, Helluva Boss, and especially Zoophobia. My mind is still open.

[mikazuki-juuichi]

TV diary, March 2021.

Assorted tv shows (and one game) I recently finished or am currently watching, and my thoughts on them: 

*

As of March 2021, finished: 

*

LIVE-ACTION

- Riverdale. 4 seasons. 

- The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. 3 seasons. 

Riverdale is still going strong for me, unafraid to be silly and bonkers despite the ‘teen dramedy’ trappings. Sabrina, meanwhile, I found underwhelming all in all. There was stuff to like, but man alive: This show is what happens when you take your dark adaptation way too seriously. 

*

- Tiny Pretty Things. 

- Crime Scene: The vanishing at the Cecil Hotel.

At some point YA thrillers became all the rage and now are sort of giving the last death rattles. The first quickly degenerates into a soap opera that desperately wants to be a mystery and the second is the kind of rage-bait exploitainment docu-series that are increasingly becoming Netflix’s bread and butter. 

*

- Warrior Nun. 1 season.

- The Umbrella Academy. 2 seasons. 

And with these I conclude that live-action superhero shows are just not for me, not at present. Both adapted from the kind of Indie Superhero comic that swears up and down it’s not Superhero, or not just that —they mostly deliver what they promised and if that is what you are looking for then by all means give them a try. The first is a religious-themed story with a teensy bit of variety thrown in and the second is essentially a super-dysfunctional  super-family run through the winger. 

No, the issue is simply that right now this genre is just… not working for me. Be it Marvel, be it DC, be whatever, right now the genre feels to me like it only works in movies or in animated shows. Oh, well. 

Still kinda interested in the upcoming live action Powerpuff Girls one, if only to see exactly what they try to do. 

Sure, it will most likely be a fiasco like the live-action Winx thing, but who knows!

*

ANIMATED

*

- DC Superhero Girls (Netflix).

- Legend of Korra, Volumes 1-2. 

Animated superhero shows, however, are still working for me, to different degrees. DC Superhero Girls (the Lauren Faust version —there is a previous one that I have not seen) is possibly the best of the DC-derived cartoons of the last six or so years —mainly for not being afraid to take risks but also remembering to be, you know, FUN. 

Korra meanwhile is one of those cult shows that have not aged as well as the fans wish to believe, but it is still quite charming and worth a look. Plus, like the original Avatar, it gets better and better as it advances. 

**

And currently watching: 

*

ALL-AGES ANIMATION

*

- Tropical Rouge PreCure. 

- Ducktales, season 3. 

One just starting and one just ending. The first is the latest entry in the long-running magical girl franchise —for younger viewers, and so far much better than the last entry, “Healin’ Good”. Ducktales meanwhile was one of the best remakes of the 2010’s, very much worth a look. 

*

GENERAL ANIMATION

*

- Magical Girl Site. 

An adaptation that actually improves the original. Unfortunately the original manga really does not hold up and in hindsight was just —pretty bad. But the resulting anime is still a fairly exciting affair, and more or less the last hurrah for Dark Magical Girl series. Starting with Madoka Magica and its myriad imitators (Daybreak Illusion. Magical Girl Raising Project. To a slightly different degree Yuki Yuuna is a Hero and its prequels and sequels. Also stories adjacent to other sub-genres such as  Kill la kill and the Wixoss franchise), and fittingly ended with a Madoka Magica spin-off, Magia Record. Nowadays the interest seems to be towards more experimental affairs, such as Wonder Egg Priority (what a title). 

Anyway, Site is a fairly entertaining affair that while difficult to stomach at times and eye-rolling at others, nevertheless has enough thrilling action and intriguing ideas to keep one interested. 

*

- Onyx Equinox. 

Terrific Mesoamerican-themed fantasy series that’s best described as a MUCH gorier Avatar / Legend of Korra. It’s a kind of cartoon I wish I had seen as a teenager. 

*

- My next life as a villainess. 

Intriguing take on both Romance VNs and related tropes and genres —what happens when an unlucky protagonists reincarnates not as the generic protagonist, but as the villain? Entertaining all the way. 

*

- Housamo: Tokyo Afterschool Summoners. Chapters 1-6, plus 4 Events.

Gay furry app game that I’ve had a very strange relationship with over the years —from curiosity to repulsion, to renewed interest to, at current, genuine appreciation for it. 

The writing is uneven as hell but goddamn it has its moments. 

*

LIVE-ACTION

*

- Pose, season 2. 

Simply one of the best tv shows and indeed one of the best Queer / LGBT shows you’ll ever see. Also the perfect antidote to the currently-ending wave of 80’s nostalgia, being a show that slams you into the uglier side of the decade and then makes you find the genuine beauty behind it. Not to be missed. 

*

- The Sinner, season 3. 

Okay, so this is the thriller drama that I basically put on when I need to kill about an hour. So… it does the job, I guess? 

*

[spnreactions]

15x15: Gimme Shelter

Alright guys! It’s time! 

Just a heads up, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, these posts usually come out later in the day, because even if I watch it live, I tend to do my reactions live, but then write up the full review later. In case you were wondering why the posts don’t usually come right away. 

Anyways! Let’s get down to it! 

Oof. Yep. We’re definitely on the serious track now, with a then like this. 

Also, I didn’t say this before, but I really love the “then” and “now” openings for this season. It’s beautiful with the Impala like that. <3 

Oof. Interesting flashback to Jack breaking out of the Ma’lak Box. 

...ew. Maybe it doesn’t taste as gross as it looks, but it looks gross. 

Jesus girls, chill. 

Okay, I already like the pastor. 

I’m watching live this week, and I’m in a FB group that’s commenting as we watch, and someone just pointed out that the pastor is Dr. Sexy MD!! Man I love when actors return like that. 

Ope. Connor’s gonna die. Poor kid. He seemed nice. 

...that teddy bear definitely wasn’t there when he was walking over before, but okay. 

UMMMMM...TALKING TEDDY!

NO THANK YOU!!! 

I HAVE A DOLL THING!!! NOT COOL!!! 

Hmmm...gotta be honest, I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Cohen’s directing on this one. :/

It had a talking teddy bear. I bet it is. 

Darkness. Nice pun. 

“He’s not that funny.” XD XD 

Dean you just want to go to Atlantic City whether Amara’s there or not don’t even deny it. XD 

Cas’s confused face will always be one of the cutest things ever. <3 

I love the way they’re all walking down the hallway together. It’s such a simple thing, but I like the way they’re positioned and everything. Point: Matt Cohen. 

SCENE FROM THE PROMO! 

Sure they can. 

“She and I used to have a thing” DEAN!! XD XD 

HIIIII JACK!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Dude, let me tell you, I am so ready for some quality Cas and Jack content. 

I love all the different reactions here. Dean is trying to get Cas and Jack out of the house, which Jack is super excited about, and Cas is very not into. XD 

...wait, did they not tell him about Mrs. Butters? Or did they just not mention her name? 

Cas looking at Sam like “help me out here” and Sam being like “sorry but no”. XD 

Oh come on Cas. Look how excited Jack is! I love how enthusiastic he gets over every hunt. It’s adorable and I love him. (Yeah you’re gonna be hearing that a lot. XD)

Cas is like “you’re kidding me right?” 

“Highway to Heaven” XD XD 

THE SCENE!!

MY BABY IS SO EXCITED I LOVE HIS LITTLE SMILE AHHHH!!!! 

No matter how Cas is against going to deal with something so small fry when they’re in the middle of something so huge, he will still smile affectionately at his son, because he loves him. <3 <3 <3 

“Blue’s a good color on you.” XD XD <3 <3 

“Agent Swift.” XD XD XD XD 

“Agent Lovato.” I’M DEAD THESE TWO ARE THE BEST!!! XD XD XD XD

HE’S HOLDING HIS BADGE UPSIDE DOWN JUST LIKE CAS DID ON HIS FIRST HUNT I’M DEAD!! XD XD XD <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

A BABY YODA REFERENCE?! This show oh my god. XD XD XD 

“I just graduated from CSI.” JACK OH MY GOD YOU ADORABLE LITTLE BEAN!!! XD XD <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Okay, I love watching Cas and Jack together, and I love watching them go on a hunt, but guys, could you at least TRY to be subtle? “Did you find tiny bags with chicken bones? Smell any sulfur? Feel cold?” Like, NO you two. XD XD 

The cop lady is just like “what the heck is wrong with these two?”

Oh. “Liar” isn’t a seven deadly sin thing. Maybe I was wrong about that. 

“For my stepson, Ronald.” JACK!! XD XD XD <3 <3 <3 I love him so much oh my god. 

For someone who’s new to hunting, that was actually an awesome cover. <3 <3 

Wait...speakers? Maybe it isn’t something supernatural after all? 

“Almost demonic.” Okay so that was a little more subtle. 

Okay Cohen, I take back what I said about your directing. That was a good shot of the stop sign. 

I love the way Jack’s sitting in the back of the truck. <3 <3 

Learning from Sam. <3 <3 <3 

Cas, there is no such thing as too many cats. His face when he says that though. XD 

THAT ENTIRE SEQUENCE ABOUT PARENT/GUARDIAN PERMISSION I’M DYING HOLY FRICK!!! XD XD XD XD <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

That was both the cutest and funniest thing ever and I just...I LOVE THEM AHHHH!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 

I feel like Cas is upset though. Like, he’s extra frustrated with the whole Amara and God thing. Not that I blame him of course. He’s just got a certain...coldness to him in this episode. But I like how it disappears whenever he’s talking to Jack. <3 <3 Good acting on Misha’s part. 

For example, that little soft smile when he looks over at Jack logging in to the social media account is so sweet and so cute and so undeniably fatherly. <3 <3 

Okay, gotta be honest: British demon? Totally hot. 

"Why is he talking like that?” he whispers, very loudly in a way that the party he is speaking of can definitely hear him. XD XD <3 <3 

“Because Zack has style.” 

WAIT!!! 

He’s not ACTUALLY British??!! 

Oh my god that shouldn’t have made me laugh, but it TOTALLY did. 

AND he made the “Highway to Heaven” reference just like Dean did! 

I love this demon holy frick. XD XD 

Cas’s and Jack’s confused expressions at his sudden change. XD 

“I would watch that show.” XD XD 

How this show manages to introduce a new character, however brief, and give him so much personality when we’re six episodes from the end is beyond my understanding, but man, it is one of the many reasons I love this show. <3 

Ha! “Demons are get, humans are just crazy” ring a bell? 

Ha! Of course Rowena has that philosophy. God I miss her. 

“You’re a deviant soul corrupted by Hell.” Ah, Cas, ever quick with the logical wit. XD 

Cas’s “and we’re done”. XD 

Zack is so desperate. 

And now, Zack is all of us during COVID. XD 

I love Zack. Take him with you. XD <3 

Oof. Too true, Cas. Too true. 

Awww...Jack. 

AWWW! Cas!!! Knowing his son wanted to be busy and help people. I LOVE THEM!!! 

THOSE SMILES AT EACH OTHER OH MY GOD SO CUTE!!! <3 <3 <3 

She’s gonna steal the money. 

Yep. Classy lady. *eye roll* 

Ope. And now she’s gonna die. 

AHHHH!! 

OKAY I TAKE THAT BACK!! BRING THE TEDDY BEAR BACK!! SCARY MASK IS WORSE!!! 

My mom and I both screamed jesus christ. 

“Focused.” Interesting phrasing, but okay. 

I like the way this phone call is happening. The back and forth is cool, and I like their easy talk with each other. 

Dean can’t just give straight advice. Ever. “Drink the Kool-Aid and sign up.” XD 

Oof. Jesus. 

Clearly Dean wasn’t talk about the Amara thing. 

Wait, this was over a two-day timeline? Huh. Okay then. 

Dean that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you stop. 

“Messengers of God’s Destruction”. 

No, but did any of us? 

“Least this time it’s not you or me.” Yeah, yet. 

That look Sam gives him means he had the same thought I did. 

Okay sorry, I am super not religious, and the God speak makes me want to barf. 

HA! JACK! XD 

See, this is why you have to give straight advice, Dean. I know that’s hard for you, being your chaotic bi self and all, but angels tend to take things literally, bud. XD 

Jack you dork. XD <3 

Geez girl. Be nice. 

Jack whispering again to try to be sneaky I love him. <3 

So that’s a yes then. 

Jesus. She’s a b***h. I don’t like her. 

That little head nod OMG!! <3 <3 

I LOVE THE CAS AND JACK TEAM UP THEY’RE SO CUTE!! <3 <3 

Oh. That was a sweet hug. 

My Mom: It’s him. It’s the pastor. He’s the bad guy. 

Oh! Greed! So this is a seven deadly sins thing! 

Ummm....that’s a little weird. Maybe this is as monster after all, with the tech working like that? 

But if it was a monster, why is she set up like that? 

Okay no, I take that back. I watch Criminal Minds, and this totally looks like something a serial killer would do. Especially the timer thing. 

“The new guy’s hot.” MEEEEE. That girl is me. XD <3 <3 <3 

EVERY. SINGLE. THING. JACK. DOES. IS. SO. STINKING. ADORABLE. <3 <3 <3 <3 

Boyfriend and girlfriend, I’m guessing? 

Awww...baby. :( 

Awww...Jack. :( :( 

Okay but, like, we’ve learned now, right? Don’t give her your whole story please and thank you. 

Oh okay. That’s okay. 

This girl is...off. Is it the acting, or is the character actually weird? I honestly can’t tell. 

Oof. Daddy issues alert. 

“I have more dads than most.” AWWW!!! XD XD XD <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Wait baby no, you’re not letting them down stop that. :( :( :( 

Ew. “Put your trust in God, not people.” Now I hate her. Trust me honey, the last person Jack--or anybody, for that matter--should be putting his faith in is God. 

Oh okay then. 

Ha! I love Cas’s subtle little sass with the “faith-based community”. 

Oh. A.V. and tech. TV screen. Bingo. 

Yeah I don’t think it’s the pastor. He seems too innocent. 

...except he’s definitely not getting any father-of-the-year awards. But what else is new with this show. 

“It’s complicated.” What are you talking about?? Just say yes, Cas. 

Awww...soft side of Cas. <3 

Yeah no. It’s not the pastor. There’s no way. It must be that Brother Rudy dude. 

Ha! Awkward. XD 

That’s actually really nice. I like that idea, having a church community (sorry--faith-based community) helping other people like that. It’s sweet. 

Oh. Connor was gay. That honestly totally makes sense. Poor guy. :( 

I’m glad the pastor was accepting of him though! <3 <3 

Awww...that’s a good line. “A saint is a sinner who keeps trying.” 

I really hope it’s not the pastor. I like him. 

My Mom: Wait, have we just never seen them put gas in the car before? I had no idea it was behind the license plate! 

I’m thinking back and I didn’t know that either, so this must be the first time we’ve actually seen them, like, open it, and that’s HILARIOUS to me. XD 

OOOOH WAIT!! This is where they see Amara, according to the promo photos!! 

Oh heeeey girl. 

Wow she looks really pretty with that snow in her hair. 

She...she...smelled them? 

“You have a very distinctive musk.” “Thank you.” ARE THESE TWO STILL PINING FOR EACH OTHER? XD XD XD 

I like this Amara. She’s fun. 

My family and I always make kielbasa with our pierogis (I had no idea that that was how that was spelled, btw), so pierogis without the kielbasa feels wrong. XD 

Jensen’s facial expressions say so much all the time and I love it. XD 

Oh boy. 

NOOOOOO!

WHAT IS IT WITH SUPERNATURAL AND FINGERS ON THIS SHOW JESUS!!

Okay, WHO is the timer for?? Like, is it just some form of slow torture?? Because it’s not like it’s being shown to anyone other than her. 

Ooh. I like that he’s listing off all of the different names for God. Good pastor. Please don’t be a bad guy. 

HIS FAMOUS “hello” OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUUUUUUUUCH!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 

...oof. Ummm....

Awww.... Poor baby. :( :( :( 

AWWW!! Dad Cas to the rescue!! <3 <3 <3 

Jack looking at his dad omg. <3 <3 

I already like this speech from Cas. I can tell it’s gonna be good. 

“I guess I found a family.” <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

JACK’S LITTLE SMILE!!! 

“And I became a father.” THERE IT IS!!! THERE. IT. IS!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

THE WAY JACK LOOKS AT HIM AFTER HE SAYS THAT AHHHH!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

AWWWW!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

GOOD SPEECH CAS!!! GOOD SPEECH!!! WAY TO MAKE YOUR SON FEEL BETTER!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 

Awww...I really like this pastor. <3 

FRIIIICK. 

Oh sh**. There’s the time for everyone else. 

JESUS!!!

Yeah okay. This is 100% a human being’s doing. A monster wouldn’t bother. 

Jack running over to turn it off right away. Ever the hero. <3 <3 

The pastor seemed too surprised to have done it, which, for me, puts pastor in the clear. Thank goodness. 

True, but also he sucks, so help us out Amara. 

Okay, I’m sorry, but quick side note. Everyone keeps saying he’s “very nearly done”, but when Dean looked in the telescope, he didn’t see anything. I thought that meant he was done. Unless it only reaches so far? I guess it probably only reaches so far in terms of other dimensions. 

Sure there is. 

“Our pal Jack.” That’s such a weird thing to hear him say, but okay. XD 

Also I’m not sure how I feel about them telling Amara about Jack. Like, I like her, and I feel like she’s gonna help, but what if she doesn’t? She could, whether intentionally or unintentionally, wind up seeing Chuck and mentioning Jack to him, and if she does, that ruins the whole plan. But, on the other hand, I guess they have to earn her trust, and keeping details from her would definitely make that harder. But I still don’t like it. It puts my baby in danger. Again. But anyways. 

Oh. Just like that? 

“I get he’s your brother” Dean says oh so casually, as if he hasn’t literally moved heaven and hell to protect and save his own brother. 

“Squirrely weirdo” XD XD 

Oh. The Big Bang. New theory. I like it. XD 

Sure he can. 

Ummm...yeah, Amara. You’re a fool. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Maybe he cares about you a little, but definitely not as much as you’re giving him credit for. Not right now anyways. 

Wait...she actually said no? No way. I thought they were gonna be able to convince her. Guess my initial theory was wrong... What does that mean though? Like...what now? 

Jack’s gonna come slamming through that door, according to the promo. 

Called it! 

Wait...why did Jack slam through it while Cas is just...casually standing there? You’re an angel, Castiel. XD 

“Lust” It is based on “Seven”! I love it! 

Welp...guess it’s not him. 

Wait, so we are walking away with a no? That never happens to us! 

THERE we go. Go get her Dean. 

Is it just me, or has Sam been, like, really not involved this episode?? Jared’s had, like, six lines. XD 

OH! Okay, the “then” makes sense now. 

Oof. You tell her, Dean. 

That she sucks. That’s what she wanted. Because she does. 

Wait NO WAY! That’s what I said! Kind of, anyways. 

Woooow. That’s actually pretty messed up, Amara. But it makes sense for why Mary was such a terrible character and why I hated her so much. She is only human. A sucky human, too. 

Is it, though? 

“That you could finally start to accept your life.” Okay, that’s actually kind of cool, and that’s awesome on the writers’ part for adding in that explanation of why everything went the way it did. Nice. 

But also, that’s pretty messed up Amara. 

Oooh. We’re about to get some awesome Jensen acting, aren’t we? 

Jensen’s trying not to cry face is so incredible wow. 

Awww....poor Dean. 

Jesus Amara. A little sympathy? 

OOF. I love that quiet fury that Dean has. 

OOH! He got her! 

YES DEAN!!! TELL HER! 

“Well now who’s living in a dreamworld?” ...ouch. But true. 

...oh boy. That was a bold-faced lie. But so brilliantly told, Dean. 

After ALL THAT, you’re going to THINK ABOUT IT? Really??!! 

But hey! I KNEW IT!! BEAUTIIFUL acting moment on Jensen’s part!! AWESOME scene. <3 <3 <3 <3 

Oh! It’s the girl. I’m calling it. 

Yep. Daughter. 

I KNEW SHE WAS BEING WEIRD! 

See?! Super religious people are crazy!! 

Go Cas and Jack go! 

Ope. Cas is gonna heal, and Jack is gonna attack. Go boys go! 

Cas is gonna heal in front of all those people oof. 

Girl has ISSUES. 

Wow, this girl is WAAAAY too religious. Chill. 

Yeah, cause you need help. 

HEY!!! NOT COOL SYLVIA!!! 

Oof. Yeah nice try, but that’s not gonna work. 

I love how Jack just takes it and then heals all bada** like “yeah sorry but no”, but then he still looks up with the kindest and most innocent expression and I love it. <3 

Meanwhile Cas is like “yeah I’m not having any of this.” XD XD 

Does...does he always have to say sleep when he does it? Cause he didn’t used to, and for some reason, that was hilarious. XD 

Jack’s little nod. So cute. <3 <3 

Fixed her fingers, but couldn’t wash the blood off. XD 

Yeah ummm...how you gonna explain that one, Cas? 

At least pastor dude seems nice. And, like, being the good kind of religious, he’ll probably be totally cool with the angel thing. 

Wait, pastor dude is still processing this when morning hits? Okay then. 

“Not a very good one.” WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! You are literally the BEST angel, thank you very much. 

Man that girl is MESSED UP. 

And Jack still feels sorry for her, my baby. :( <3 <3 

Ah. Nothing like your daughter becoming a murderer for you to finally step into a proper role of fatherhood. 

WAIT A SECOND! IT’S ZACK!! 

Dude waaait. What does that mean?? That’s, like, a really random thing. Does that mean she’s gonna come back? Or that Zack is gonna come back? I’m not sure what that means. That seems so random! I DEMAND ANSWERS SUPERNATURAL! 

The way Cas looks at Jack after the pastor says that about looking after her better. Cas I don’t know what you’re thinking, but you’re the best father Jack could’ve asked for, okay? 

Awww! Cas and Jack talk time!! <3 <3 

Cas is trying so hard to help him I love him. <3 

NO YOU DON’T STOP!! THIS IS WHAT FAMILY IS FOR!! WHHHHYYY are all you Winchesters like this. 

Wait. WAIT! He was hiding something?! I hate it when Sam’s right. 

Wait WHAT?! 

HOLD ON!!! 

NOOOOO NO NO NO NO NO!!! NO! JACK NO!!! That is NOT ALLOWED!!! 

HOLD ON A SECOND!!! NO!!! THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING WTF??!!! 

Wait wait wait. A bomb?? Like, just like S11?? Because no. No no no. We’re not doing this again. JACK YOU ARE NOT GONNA DIE WTF??!! 

THIS THROWS ALL OF MY THEORIES OUT THE WINDOW NOOOO!!! IT CAN’T BE JACK!!! I REFUSE!!! :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( 

WE JUST GOT YOU BACK!!! WE CAN’T LOSE YOU AGAIN!!! :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’(

Cas’s face is all of my emotional screeching right now. 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN “Don’t tell Sam and Dean.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME JACK??!! THESE ARE YOUR DADS!! THEY NEED TO KNOW!!! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!! CAS WON’T LET YOU!!! 

JACK NOOOO!!! STOP IT WITH ALL OF YOUR GUILT! GOD you’re such a Winchester!! NO!! DEAN BAKED YOU A DANG BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! YOU DON’T NEED TO DIE FOR HIM TO FORGIVE YOU!!! 

I’M HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME TYPING RIGHT NOW WTF IS THIS SCENE??!! :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( 

Me too, Cas!!! 

SEE JACK??!! YOU CAN’T!! 

NO! WHAT IS THAT?! 

NO!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT YOU STUPID IDIOT NO!!! YOU CANNOT SACRIFICE YOURSELF LIKE THIS!!! THEY WON’T LET YOU!!! 

Cas tell Sam and Dean. Please.

Oh WAIT! We have, like, two minutes left craaap. This is the scene from the promo. Cas is gonna say Sam and Dean need to know something and then it’s gonna end. I’m calling it right now. 

YES CAS!! GO CAS GO!! SAVE YOUR SON!!! 

Yep. Here it is. It’s gonna cut off. 

GODDA**IT!! I HATE IT WHEN I’M RIGHT!!! 

WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT SUPERNATURAL??!! You can’t just...DROP A BOMB like that and then NOT RESOLVE IT GOD DA**IT!! SCREW YOU WRITERS!!! 

AHHHHH!!! I NEED NEXT WEEK RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHHH!!! THIS IS SO NOT OKAY!!!! 

If I deny it ever happened, then it didn’t happen, right? Jack and Cas solved the case, Sam and Dean got Amara’s help, and they all went home and had family dinner, okay? New ending. There we go. Problem solved. Because NO! 

Well...f**k. I guess it’s review time?? But JESUS CHRIST!!! Okay, okay, I need a minute. Please hold. 

(Several Hours Later)

Okay. I’m back. Let me start with something kind of amusing. Several minutes after the episode ended, while I was still trying to process everything, this interaction happened: 

Me, breathing heavily and dying inside: Mom, you do not seem as distressed about this as I am. 

My Mom: I am never as distressed as you are about anything in this show. It’s impossible for me to reach that level of distress. I don’t know how you do it. 

So...if you didn’t already realize how emotionally connected to this show I am, now you do. XD 

That said, let’s get down to it. 

God, there is soooo much to unpack with that episode, and even crazier, it honestly all comes from that last five minutes. Let me start with this: 

I really enjoyed this episode! It can’t quite beat last week’s episode--but, honestly, I don’t know if any of the other episodes will be able to, except for maybe the finale--but it was good! I had a few qualms about Matt Cohen’s directing, but he definitely had some strong moments, so it wasn’t bad. And, admittedly, at first, I felt like the pacing of the episode was kind of slow, and switching back and forth between the Winchesters and Cas and Jack felt kind of choppy for a bit, but as the episode played out, I realized why. This was a full-on set-up episode. While last week gave us a chance to be silly with the boys and see some beautiful family bonding, this was the one that set us up for what’s sure to be heavy and plot-filled coming up. (And yes, I know next week’s episode is much more of a monster-of-the-week, but 15x17 is when things will likely really get down to it, so I’m sure there’ll still be some important plot stuff next week--especially since we need a resolution to the Cas and Dean talk). Between the boys having to find and trick Amara, and Cas and Jack bonding and working with each other again, plus that big reveal at the end, it’s setting up the next string of episodes to be fast-paced and intense as they finally start to take on God. 

With that said, I really loved being able to see Jack and Cas together again. It’s been so long since we’ve seen them really spend time together and bond, and watching them play off each other and be father and son was adorable and hilarious. Plus, I just love Jack with every fiber of my being, so that makes everything better. XD <3 

I also really loved Dean’s interactions with Amara. I mentioned this already, but that scene, where he’s talking about Mary...that was some INCREDIBLE acting on Jensen’s part. He’s always been really good at that subtle rage, especially when it’s also filled with sadness, and this scene was no different. And I’m glad that they did finally get Amara on board; however, I’m a little concerned with what she’s going to do when she finds out he lied. Especially after how worried she seemed to be. AND SPEAKING OF LYING!!

THOSE LAST FIVE MINUTES! HOLY SHIT!! 

Okay, so I’ve had some time to think about this and talk it out with some people, so I’m just gonna roll with the thoughts as they go through my brain. First of all, that is a big no a thousand times over. Jack, you cannot die. Second of all, that reveal was very well done on the writer’s part. After such a nonchalant episode--in terms of pace, that is--to have that in the last five minutes, AND to end with that cliffhanger, was a beautiful way to keep us fans guessing, invested, and wanting more. But also, SCREW YOU! 

That said, as freaked out as I was--and honestly, I’m still pretty worried--I really don’t think Jack’s going to die. There’s no way. Initially, my theory left Cas and Jack standing at the end of all of this. After CW said that thing about one of the main characters not surviving to the end, I thought it was gonna be Dean, but I can also see how it could be both Sam and Dean. However, in any case, Cas and Jack, in my various theories, always end up on top. So Jack saying he’s going to die in order to kill Chuck and Amara TOTALLY threw me. BUT! After talking it through with someone else, I seriously doubt it’s going to happen. 

First of all, Cas is about to go look for another way, and, as we’ve seen in the past, they always find another way. After all, this is the Winchesters (and yes, Cas counts, obviously). 

Second of all, they’re telling us this five episodes before the end, but Jack is, supposedly, completing his final ritual in 15x17. That leaves three episodes of unaccounted time, and if Jack is really going to die to kill Chuck and Amara, there’s no way they can stretch that over three episodes. Therefore, his dads are bound to stop it. To FURTHER that, 15x17 has Jack and Dean heading out together to complete Jack’s final ritual while Sam and Cas stay behind, which means that, once Jack does whatever he’s supposed to do, Dean is bound to find out what Billie’s true intentions are, and I’m convinced that he’s not going to be okay with it. Because here’s the thing. Between Sam and Dean, Jack is the one that Dean still needs the most forgiveness from. And, kind of like what happened in Last Holiday, the second Dean realizes Jack is in actual danger, he’s not going to let anything happen to him. And I’m hoping that the resulting protectiveness will give Dean the chance to tell Jack that he does forgive him, which will hopefully release some of Jack’s guilt complex and give them the ability to find another way. 

THIRD of all, (and I mentioned this in my reactions), this whole “becoming the bomb to kill the cosmic entities” is an exact mirror of what Dean tried to do in S11, and we saw how that went. But the thing is, why would the writers play the exact same storyline again unless they were intending to parallel it and connect it to Jack and Dean’s relationship now? When Dean didn’t detonate in S11, he got his mom back, but then Jack killed her. Now, Jack is ready to detonate himself as a bomb because of having killed Mary, and Dean’s bound to stop him, especially after that conversation with Amara. Maybe this is all wishful thinking, but I really, sincerely feel like (and hope) that Jack isn’t going to make that sacrifice. Because, on top of all of that, while I love the family that is Team Free Will 2.0, this show still is, as it always has been, about Sam and Dean, and, as such, it should end with them too. So the odds of Jack being the “be all end all” without Sam and Dean’s help? Super slim. 

So, to sum that up, as worried as I am about my baby, I really really really think (and god I hope I’m right) that that’s not the way this story will end. There has to be more to it. 

With all of that addressed, let’s talk about WHATEVER it is that Cas is about to tell Dean. For me, there are two things it could be:

First, there’s the obvious answer based on the episode itself. Cas is about to tell Dean that Jack has to die in order to kill Chuck and Amara. However, I don’t think that’s it, because that seems too easy and unrealistic. If Cas tells Dean that now, then why would Dean take him to do his final ritual in 15x17 (I guess this is what happens when you read too much promotional material lol)? And even if he does, the next episode seems to be very Sam and Dean centric, and Cas dropping a bomb like that would not allow for a Sam and Dean centric episode, at least not when it’s putting their whole big mission in a different light. Plus, on top of all of that, that Cas and Jack conversation is an exact parallel of the conversation the two of them had about Cas making his deal with the Empty back in Season 14. Cas told Jack not to tell Sam and Dean, and Jack never did, even though his life is at risk. So Cas telling Sam and Dean about Jack now, knowing that Jack kept that secret for him, might break a certain level of trust between the two of them, and I don’t think Cas would do that. Which brings me to my second and, in my opinion, more likely theory. 

Cas is about to tell Dean about his deal with the Empty. While this would also be a huge bomb to drop in the middle of this big fight, and in the middle of all this chaos, it technically doesn’t directly correlate with their fight with Chuck. However, if something does happen to Cas, that’s something that Sam and Dean do need to know, because it’ll affect how they handle things and what they do, in a lot of ways. At the same time, I feel like, if Cas is gonna do a whole “go it alone” thing, it’s important that he tells them before he leaves, because there’s no telling what could happen, to any of them, when they’re not all together, and being as open as possible before separating like that tends to be a good idea. It seems like Cas might finally be learning. 

That said, I could be wrong all around. It could be neither of those things. It could be both of those things. Honestly, there’s no way to know for sure until we get to next week. However, after a crazy ending like that, I am definitely looking forward to seeing what Supernatural has in store for us next. 

My Rating: 8/10

[dorkylittleweirdo]

crazy shit that happened during high school

freshman year:

my favorite teacher (pe coach) ended up being a pedophile. it’s kinda scary to think about bc like,, that was my favorite teacher and i trusted him and if he tried anything with me i don’t think i would’ve stopped him and just yikes. but yeah, it was a whole thing. once the school found out they got the police involved and he fled the state. they got him in the end but i mean,, i spent a lot of time in the secretary’s office crying about it bc i really trusted that dude and i was distraught over it. that might’ve been where my trust issues started??? fun stuff

my school shut down. like i mean,, bc it was a charter school and we had to get the charter renewed. but the board at my school wasn’t using their money the way they were supposed to. it was a whole thing, like the principal left that school year bc he knew what was happening, couldn’t stop them from doing it, and didn’t want to be part of it. so they had a lot of meetings that us kids were allowed to go to so we could see what was happening and all that. i only went to one and it was A Time bc the lady who was recording everything passed tf out and of course nobody was a doctor and my pipsqueak thirteen year old ass went “i know what to do” bc i Did so i had to help her which was a trip in and of itself. but anyways, the school’s charter got denied, and everyone had to transfer, but the district promised that we could go to any school we wanted, not just the one we would have to go to by zip code

sophomore year:

i ended up going to a private christian school. big fucking mistake. absolute disaster. nothing really happened that was crazy by their standards, but it was for me

so they have a house system. think of harry potter, it’s EXACTLY like that. we have points, we have competitions, we have all that extra stuff. it was such a time, like i don’t,, i don’t even know how to explain how fucking weird that shit was

i came out in the middle of class. the principal’s daughter was our sub and she goes “okay so everyone is gonna tell us something that nobody knows about them” so when it was my turn i go “so it’s not a secret and y’all should know this but clearly y’all don’t: i’m not straight”. silence. dead silence. we could hear the class next to us it was so quiet. some girl whispers “i knew it”. another girl leans over and whispers to my friend “i’m so sorry”. principal’s daughter gives me the most threatening, condescending smile i’ve ever seen and goes “thanks for sharing”. i had to come out to my mom that same day bc i told me friends and they panicked on my behalf bc when people found out that they were gay, the principal told their parents. and i was Not about to be outed by the principal. my mom has since told me that the principal never contacted her about it so i came out for nothing but i mean i really like being out so we’re good

so instead of prom, cult school has this thing called “the ball”. sophomores, juniors, and seniors are allowed to go bc there’s less than fifty people per grade so if sophomores don’t come, there’s not enough people. so i went bc my friends were all going and i was like “yeah why not might as well”. three dance lessons. three fucking dance lessons for this stupid ball that i didn’t dance once at. i literally had three panic attacks in the span of an hour at the second one, and then i had swim practice right after. fucking exhausted. felt like i ran five marathons by the time i got home. the last lesson i didn’t do any dancing, just vibed with my friend in the corner. so at the actual ball, same friend and i vibed at the tables the whole time. we went to the bathroom for like an hour and took mirror selfies and tried to make our asses look bigger bc we’re Like That

SO AFTER THE BALL, there was apparently a massive party and there was alcohol and stuff. so my friends and i were blissfully unaware bc nobody liked us bc who tf likes the school sinners. so we walked to get ice cream after in our fucking ballgowns and suits looking like All That. so the principal thought that it was one of us who hosted the party and we were like “??? what party?”. literally almost got in trouble bc the principal thought we were LYING. i told my mom and she takes No Shit, so when the principal called her demanding to know if i went to/hosted the party, she marched her ass down to the school and was like “i know y’all have something against mexicans and people who are different from y’all, but that’s no reason to blame my daughter for something that your so called “perfect” students did”. my mom got Heated, roasted the fuck out of the principal, then LEFT. principal never fucked with my mom after that

so there was a fire like across the street from the school. the fd told us to evacuate, but noooooo the school was like “god will protect us” i’m like “okay but i’m gay and apparently your god hates that so i think we’re gonna Perish”. the fucking POWER went out and they STILL wouldn’t let us go. my mom called to sign me out so i could go wherever the fuck i wanted in the school until my friend’s dad came to pick us up bc she couldn’t get there bc of the fire. so i vibed next door to my friends’ class and i was like “heeeeey god’s trying to kill the gays” and we laughed about that until my gay ass got saved lmaoooo

okay so this is the funniest memory i have. in chemistry once, our teacher took us outside and started digging a lil hole next to the school. and keep in mind, my chem teacher used to be a hardcore atheist druggie, like fucking meth and coke and shit. took a theology course and converted. so he’s really sweet and nice but he’s also Slightly mad scientist vibes. so anyways, he puts something in this little hole, lights it on fire. i forgot why he did it, but i was standing back with him and one of the exchange students and the three of us watch in Horror as the rest of the class makes a circle around the fire and start doing some weird dance and saying something. it wasn’t like a chant, idk what to call it, but they were like counting like “and one, and two, and three, and four” and then the dance would get more intense and they’d get louder. so eventually they were screaming and going apeshit and i looked at my teacher and he’s just,, watching them do this. i’m like “and i’m satan, huh?”. like these kids really trying to summon the devil but i’m the bad one bc i like girls

junior year:

so technically this was during the summer but i’m putting it here. they have like a house party after the school year ends. i made cookies. apparently they “looked weird” so nobody ate them, two of my soon to be teachers kept insulting them. i called my mom to pick me up, took my cookies with me, got back in the car in tears. had to have a whole conversation with the principal and those two teachers so they could apologize bc i wanted to leave the school after that. dw tho, i took my cookies to the guards at my summer camp and they appreciated the hell out of them bc they were Very Good Cookies

so my ap bio teacher was an enabler. i was his favorite bc i wasn’t a religious nut and it was very obvious that i believed in science and not whatever the hell this cult was doing with their creationist bs. also he was a parasitologist and i’m super into parasitology so he had fun talking about it to someone who both understood and was extremely interested in the topic. i rolled up to class one day like “hey so i’m gonna buy hissing cockroaches from amazon, if my parents find out and don’t let me keep them do you want them??” and he’s like “yeah”. i brought them to class a few times and everyone Hated it but my teacher was like ayyyyy. and everyone thought he was either and atheist or agnostic, so when some girl asked how he thought mary conceived jesus to see what he said, he looked at me like “y’all hear somethin/hel p” and i go “parthenogenesis” and he Went With It, talking about how it was theoretically possible in humans but we ignored the fact that the baby would’ve been a girl bc the class is dumb none of them have ever heard of parthenogenesis before jesus is the true trans icon we all need

my art teacher was my favorite and she knows that i’m gay. she’s the only teacher from my school that i’m still in contact with. so every big project we did, i made it gay. and i knew, and my friends knew, and she knew, but the rest of the class had no idea. i’m like presenting my project and the class would get sus and they’re like “so are those two really good friends” and i’m like “so she has a rainbow heart on her choker and she has a lesbian symbol on her shirt”. the class was still confused and my friend yells “they’re LESBIANS”. it was iconic

my brit lit teacher was bi. she never said it, but i know she was. always talked about how much she hated men, then was like “women are very very good”. no way this woman was straight. so we read dracula and it’s got that Subtext, so one time i leaned over to my friend bc he sat next to me and i go “the Homoerotic Subtext”. and i didn’t realize that the teacher was right in front of me until she tapped my desk and goes “it gets better”, told me a page number that i flipped to, and it was Even More Gay and i was like 😏. also she assigned me a gay poet for my poetry project and i talked about that for my whole presentation in front of the class and it was the biggest paragraph in my essay and i got 100% on it even tho i choked at the beginning. also i mentioned in passing that i liked sappho and she goes “ooh i love sappho” i’m like “ma’am please leave this cult and get you a gf”

senior year:

i left the cult finally. went to the one school i actually liked. i made friends who actually like me and they were patient and they were amazing and i love them all very much even if i’ll never tell them. my classmates were great, v friendly, i had a great time. however,

so many fires. school got cancelled like five times bc of how bad the fires were

the school shooting. i don’t think i need to go further into that, it’s pretty self explanatory

covid. again, don’t need to go further into that, v self explanatory

[splatter-punked]

why mlm relationships are never shown in kid’s shows

I wrote this angry and exhausted. good luck.

With the exception of Bow’s dads and Benson and Troy from Kipo, I struggle to name a canon mlm relationship in an animated kid’s show. And yet, there seems to be an endless amount of lesbian relationships- Marceline and Bubblegum, Catra and Adora, Ruby and Sapphire, plus a shit ton more from She-Ra alone. Don’t get me wrong, this is a huge step for queer people everywhere, and I am so grateful to grow up in this generation and witness this acceptance. And although the relationships between Troy and Benton, as well as George and Lance are both very sweet, neither have the growth and emotional connection formed in any other relationship I’ve seen on screen. And don’t get me started on how much Voltron fucked up queer characters. Good lord, talk about burry your gays. 

But back to my point. Why are male relationships so rarely shown on screen, and almost never portrayed in the same light as lesbian or heterosexual couples? As far as I can count, there have been about two mlm kisses on a kid’s show, and I don;t want to count Voltron, because it was shit. So why? 

At first, having a lesbian couple on screen was shocking, and many Karens flipped their shit and rushed their children off to church when they saw Steven Universe episode 49 for the first time in 2015. And over time, it became more and more acceptable, with masterpieces like The Legend Of Korra, She-Ra, The Owl House, and Adventure Time. But it wasn’t until early 2016 that there was a confirmed mlm couple on screen (Deputy Durland and Sheriff Blubbs), and even then, there was no kiss, and they were always side characters with probably no more than an hour of screen time total. 

Oversexualization of lesbians is a huge issue for the wlw community, from inaccurate porn to asking for threesomes on the street (a lot of people, mainly men, are really fucked up). But two women can hold hands in public, and still be considered “just friends,” but the second two men do it, they’ve got assholes screaming about how they’re going to hell. And yet, oversexualization of gay men is also a huge issue, mainly for straight women. I cannot tell you how many straight ladies i know want a Gay Best Friend. They think it’s hot, exciting, sexy, when two men kiss. They think it’s hot to be “sinful.” They pretend to be supportive, but are really just in it for their own fantasy. Most of the mlm novels I’ve ever read are written by straight women. 

Back to my point, again. There’s a stereotype pushed on gay men to be sexy and horny all the time. To be feminine, and basically be throwing themself on every man in sight. It’s so hurtful. People form assumptions about people based on how they act, but if he hadn’t come out, I never would’ve expected Benson to be queer. He was done so well, not oversexualized, not made creepy or stereotypical in any way. Even his romance did so well, which is where things sometimes fall apart in terms of representation. 

People (mainly Karens) think it’s a terrible influence on children to have queer shows, because they don;t want their children to grow up queer at all. Lesbian relationships are more accepted by most people, because women are “supposed to be sensitive” and “it’s ok, it’s just a phase.” But once it’s a queer man, it’s more “ugh, you’re a freak and a sinner!!” because men are supposed to be emotionless machines, right? (WRONG). And once you put oversexualiztation into the mix, gay men are being pulled into a spiral of stereotypes and toxic masculinity. 

And, it’s not just that. We write what we experience. Straight men write straight men (that tend to come across as queer in non-kid shows, like Sherlock or Supernatural). Queer people write queer people, and I cannot think of a single gay man who has written a script for any kid’s animation show. To quote a tumblr post I once saw, “mlm non-canon relationships tend to dominate fandoms because straight men have no fucking clue how to make women correctly.” Not their exact words, just what I remember. If queer women, or just actually accepting women, write queer characters, it’ll be easier to portray them as female, like how it’s easy for me to write trans masc characters. I would have serious trouble writing, say, a 50 year old straight woman, because I can’t project myself onto her in any way. People write what they know, what they understand.  

So. Why? Because if a film studio were to allow a gay man to write a script, there would be a high chance it wouldn;t be aired as a children’s show, as most people consider mlm relationships to be all about sex, and definitely cannot be a cute magical romance, like Ruby and Sapphire. Or, if they were to air a cute gay magical romance, it wouldn’t be written by a gay man. It would be written by some straight women who probably thinks about gay sex more than her own partner. There would be too many stereotypes pushed on the kids, like being feminine, or having a straight girl for a best friend, and make it worse than Voltron. 

I love all the shows with queer characters in it. They make me feel right at home. But I would love more mlm romance, for me to feel that home feeling, and for young gay boys to see themselves represented on screen as a real person, and not an afterthought. 

[the-gay-cryptid]

On Religion

As some of you know, I attend a catholic school and have done so since I was the tender, gullible, impressionable age of 5. I was also, of course, raised catholic. Which, for those of you spared the experience, should know means “I grew up catholic but hated it and I’m still not comfortable outright saying I’m not anymore because I feel guilty.”

I don’t often talk about religion here, but I’ve been rereading The Poison Wood Bible for school (fantastic book by the way, easily one of my favorites I’ve ever read) and it’s really stirs up my emotions surrounding my own religious upbringing, so here we go.

Until I was in the fifth grade, I had no idea religions outside of Christian, Jewish, and Muslim existed. I was also taught that Muslims were savage, oppressive, violent people and the all Muslims wanted to kill everyone who wasn’t Muslim. So. Just to give you perspective. I was also led to believe that Jewish people weren’t as bad, but they were just misguided and stuck in the past.

Around seventh grade, I began to suspect I was gay. Thankfully I’d become somewhat desensitized to that good old catholic guilt by having it beat into my very being since before I comprehended object permanence. But I didn’t want God to hate me, so I decided I had a crush on this boy. He was nice to me and we liked the same shows and he had a smart ass sort of attitude towards the less mature boys that I appreciated. So obviously since I enjoyed this boy’s company I must’ve liked him.

But I was still curious about my sexuality in relation to my religion. So I took every opportunity to ask about it in “religion” class. Despite the name, we only talked about The One True Religion. I got different answers depending on which teacher I asked.

Senora Baskin, our Spanish teacher who spoke shitty Spanish and was obsessed with Mexican culture and said it saved her from getting an abortion, told me that the pope said being gay wasn’t a sin, just being in a gay relationship. So I could be gay, but I could never date, get married, or even kiss a girl.

Mrs. Shaver said that gays go to hell. She also told a kid whose dog had died that all dogs go to hell because animals don’t have souls. She also told me I’d go to hell for listening to music with cuss words in it. Imagine that: a class of kids going through their edgy phase, listening to MCR and other punk bands of varying quality being told they were going to hell. I didn’t much value Mrs. Shaver’s opinions anyway.

Mr. Miller sort of stuttered a moment, then told me that he wasn’t actually allowed to talk about that. That’s when I learned catholic schools usually don’t talk about the shit the church is against. We don’t get to debate gay marriage, abortions, or the death penalty. We are not supposed to think critically or form our own opinions, because the opinions of a higher organization should replace our own feelings.

I eventually asked my mom. She told me about a gay couple she was friends with. They were married, but not in the eyes of the church. So any time they had sex, they had to go to confession and apologize for sex outside of wedlock. I didn’t like that solution either.

In eighth grade i sort of just shrugged and said “well. Guess I’m gay then.” I made an effort to bring it up in class more. Gay rights, not being gay. I’d never tell anyone, that would be horrible! I did come out to a few of my close friends, mainly because i realized I really wanted to kiss my best friend.

Freshman year, my religion problem amped itself up. The rhetoric was all the same. I was hearing the same lessons over and over and over again. I’d heard the same things since I was five, just in increasingly complex terms. I finally admitted my serious issues with my religion. My mom told me I didn’t have to be Catholic. I could be Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, Jewish, even Muslim. I just couldn’t be polytheistic or Mormon. I decided that it wasn’t worth fighting about and didn’t bother telling her I wasn’t sure I believed in an anything. The only thing that would hurt her more than me not being christian, would be me being an atheist.

Religion had been important to her when she was little. She’d been bullied mercilessly, abused by her older brother, had a rocky relationship with her step father. On church retreats, she found camaraderie and comfort. It’s where she met her best friend. They’re still friends, and seeing them together they might as well still be stupid teenagers who don’t need anything but each other.

Sophomore year, I came out to my whole family as gay. It was good. I also met the best religion teacher ever: Mrs. Khouzam. She is, to this day, one of my favorite teachers I’ve ever had. There was Mrs. Rae, who lent me more mature books and encouraged my love of writing, and Mrs. Fava, who taught me that I was allowed to have any opinion I wanted, but it had to be backed by facts rather than a person’s skin or the opinions of my parents. Mrs. Khouzam loved God unconditionally. And she loved us.

She was the Mother Mary incarnate, and I loved her with my whole heart. She reminded me of the paintings of women who cradled ragged men like their children. She just exudes mother. Because of her, I began to love my religion again.

Then junior year that was ruined.

Mrs. Langomez was a short, stout woman from the Philippines who spoke too softly and disregarded our opinions with a quiet reminder of Jesus. We wrote journal reflections in her class, and I’d long since abandoned giving the vague “I love Jesus” shit for opinion questions on my work. I told her out right that I had serious issues with Catholicism and that I was gay. She only wrote on my paper that she glad my family accepted me.

Then it went to absolute shit. I sat in my desk on the front row and watched this woman I had only rolled my eyes at and joked about with my classmates give a 40 minute power point presentation on why homosexuality was a sin. She described how god designed men and women to love each other, and since gays couldn’t procreate in the normal way, they were incapable of real love. Being gay damaged one’s soul and relationship with god. She said there were special religious retreats for gay people to strengthen their relationship with god and overcome their gay urges. 

I was..horrified. Humiliated. Furious. Hurt. I just sat there, staring at the board with my fists and jaw clenched. I glared at her. I ignored her as I left. My classmates snickered at how stupid she was. I joked that I wanted to punch her and we laughed. It was their quiet way of saying they didn’t agree with her.

I shook the whole way to lunch and explained what had happened to the lower class men I ate with. And like a dam breaking, I felt that horrible weight in my chest. I grabbed a friend’s water bottle, trying to drown my crying before it could rise. I shook and shuddered and bit my lip and tried everything I could to stay steady. A few classmates sat with me and held my shoulders and told me Langomez was stupid. I admitted it was the first time I’d ever faced someone who so clearly hated me on the basis of my sexuality.

I couldn’t stand to stay there, so I left for the office with my backpack and told them I needed to go home. I’d already texted my dad. The principal saw me crying and asked if something had happened. Mrs. Langomez stood at the printer, half watching this. I told the principal I was fine and just needed to go.

I cried the whole way home. My mom called the principal and told her why I’d been so upset. I sent her an email later that night, explaining in better words than I’d be able to say, that it had been gut wrenching to sit somewhere I’d thought was safe, and be told in textbook language that I was a sinner and a perversion and incapable of love. I was promised an apology from Langomez that I never got.

It’s true that there are Catholics like Mrs. Khouzam. People who love unconditionally. But there are Langomez too. Hateful people. And they don’t all yell and scream. Sometimes they’re quiet and passive aggressive and pity you for being gay. And I couldn’t let that go. I was tired of the conflicting rhetoric. I was exhausted of grappling with god.

So senior year came. Langomez had moved to Japan with her husband in the military. My current teacher is a young woman who graduated from my high school in 2013. I don’t ever hide my sexuality. The whole school knows. We don’t talk about homosexuality in her class, because senior year theology is about vocations.

But I stopped taking communion. It felt horrible to cross my arms over my chest after so many years of cupping them in front of me. I nearly had an anxiety attack as I walked down the aisle. I imagined god striking me down then and there.

I only tell people I was raised catholic now. I once told my current theology teacher that my relationship with Catholicism felt like an abusive one. I was dragged up and down. I was shamed and ridiculed. I was dismissed and ignored. I don’t give a damn if not all Catholics are like that. I’m done having to take that gamble every time I meet one.

I’m not an atheist at least, which makes my mom happy. I believe in a Something. Maybe a polytheistic Something. I’ll figure it out when I’m somewhere I can learn it outside the context of catholic propaganda.

[themachiavellianpig]

Prodigal Son, Episode 10: Merry Christmas with the Whitleys

Episode 10 of Prodigal Son, and Malcolm really honestly tries to follow orders. For at least a whole minute. Promise. Meanwhile, Ainsley and Jessica have an honest conversation, and Gil tries desperately to juggle the Whitley’s never-ending nonsense. 

As always, full review and spoilers galore below. 

The episode begins with the highlights of Ainsley’s interview with Martin, which Malcolm is watching as some sort of self-inflicted penance. Ainsley included the footage of Martin absolutely losing it at the accusation of being a bad father; it’s less clear whether or not she used the footage in which she outlines her brother’s personal mental health diagnoses to boost her own ratings. 

The appearance of Jessica in Malcolm’s apartment is heralded by her shoe going through Malcolm’s television - seems she’s about as happy with Ainsley’s interview as I am. Her main worry, though, is the Girl in the Box - more specifically, the way in which she and a whole lot of well-meaning adults told young Malcolm over and over again that his memories could not be trusted. The revelation that Malcolm was chloroformed by his father is another blow to an already unsteady woman; the idea that Martin had, at the very least, been a good father seems to have meant more to Jessica than we might have earlier realised. But of course, how else could you rationalise inadvertently raising children with a monster? By believing that the monster only really happened to other people. 

Malcolm gets called away to a crime scene in a busy hotel, everybody but our hardworking detectives in full Christmas mode. The crime of the week includes a dead high-ranking police officer and a prostitute in a hotel room in an apparent murder-suicide. Given the way that such episodes go, it’s hardly surprising that Malcolm deduces that it wasn’t a murder-suicide in less than a minute. 

It’s more surprising that everyone in the room just lets Malcolm wave around a loaded gun, including pointing it at his own chest and head and even cocks the damn thing before anyone calls him out on it. Good gun discipline is needed, especially when you don’t want a double homicide to become a triple. 

Special Agent Colette Swanson makes a grand entrance, taking over the conference room, throwing Malcolm’s new lack-of-job-title in his face, and then accusing him of misogyny-through-profiling before claiming Dani for her team. She comes across as staggeringly unlikable in this scene - a bit of a disappointing choice, to be honest, given that it would likely have been far more interesting to watch Malcolm and the team hand over the case to someone who wasn’t instantly the bad-guy. 

Malcolm, meanwhile, consoles himself with a box full of Turner’s old cases, trying to find someone who hated him enough to murder a bystander to get to him. He finds a photo of Owen Shannon (played by Sean Pertwee), a detective who had borderline harassed little Malcolm after the arrest of Martin. Shannon doesn’t seem to have calmed down at all in the intervening years, answering his door with a loaded gun pointed at their heads. 

Shannon, it turns out, is massively jealous of the fact that Gil arrested the Surgeon, the man who Shannon had been hunting, and doesn’t have a huge amount of time for Gil, Malcolm or their accusations that he should be the prime suspect in Turner’s death. He’s far more concerned about Emily, the young woman in the hotel room - who couldn’t have been hired by Turner, given that the man was apparently gay. 

In a brief interlude, Colette continues to have issues around Malcolm, so self-evident that they could probably be seen from space, and can definitely be seen by her colleagues - even the usually professional Dani accuses her of coming here to bury Bright rather than catch the Junkyard Killer. 

Jessica comes to speak with Gil, desperate to identify the Girl in the Box and find her body so that Martin will finally go away for good - I’m not sure why one more body would take away Martin’s freedom to have visitors or give interviews or consultations, but Jessica is convinced. Not convinced enough to sway Gil, who wants to save her from the case which is already destroying Malcolm, and so who can really blame Jessica for nosing through his files and stealing a photograph of the Girl in the Box’s bracelet. 

Dani and Malcolm have a sweet moment, in which they commiserate about their respective cases and Malcolm opens up a little about his difficulties with Eve - although saying “screwed up” instead of “nearly attacked her with a knife during an intense hallucination” is a hell of understatement even by Malcolm’s generous standards. Dani insistence that Malcolm isn’t beyond fixing is pretty gosh-darned optimistic at this point, but goodness knows that boy needs all the encouragement he can get at this point. 

Ainsley goes to Jessica’s for Christmas and they finally talk about the interview - harsh words are exchanged, especially when Jessica accuses Ainsley of throwing not just their family but the families of all of Martin’s “real victims” back into the media storm purely to serve her own ambition. Ainsley’s claim of retaking control of the narrative of the Surgeon seems a flimsy defence at best - especially when she takes off immediately afterwards, reclaiming the bottle of rosé she’d brought with her for dinner. 

Malcolm gets waylaid on his way to this fun family dinner by Shannon, complete with creepy flashbacks to Shannon’s attempts to get little Malcolm to confess to helping his father with the murders. Malcolm opens up a little - Shannon was right, there was another person involved, but Malcolm can’t find him without help. Shannon offers some help in exchange, in the form of Turner’s private stash of information. 

Gil and JT, left to their own devices, have managed to do some actual proper policework and have tracked down the Madame of Caged Bird, Emily’s “matchmaking” service. She admits to sending Emily to trap Turner in a compromising position, in an attempt to stop Turner coming after the Caged Bird business. 

Turner’s private stash is so private that I genuinely thought that Shannon was going to try and torture Malcolm for information in an isolated storage shed; fortunately, that doesn’t happen and instead they discover that Turner was investigating the Junkyard Killer, complete with all of Shannon’s old files. Despite Shannon’s belief that Turner gave up on him and the case, just like everyone else, Malcolm points out that Turner must have been trying to help - to prove that Shannon was right, that the Surgeon wasn’t working alone. 

They find Shannon’s old list of suspects - useless at the time, but with the new information that Martin met his accomplice at a specific hospital, they managed to whittle down the list to a single name: John Watkins. 

And now they do maybe the stupidest thing that Malcolm has ever done, and I’m included the earlier incident with a loaded gun - he goes to the last known address of a serial killer without telling Gil what the address is, even when Gil calls to ask him where he is. Seriously, Malcolm, backup is a wonderful thing and needs to be far more than a drunken cop with an unregistered firearm. 

Award for Most Awkward Moment this week goes to Gil, who has to go and admit to Colette that not only have Malcolm accidentally been working on the case that he was repeatedly ordered to leave alone, but that he had no idea where Malcolm is. If someone doesn’t LoJack Malcolm in the second half of this season, I will be most surprised. 

At the house, Malcolm and Shannon find Matilda, the Junkyard Killer’s blind grandmother. After Malcolm’s glee at being inside the childhood home of a serial killer (the apparent “Holy Grail” for profilers”, he starts trying to gently unravel John’s childhood - in between trying to escape being force-fed microwave ready-meals by the woman who raised a serial killer. Matilda quickly hits all the buttons Malcolm was probably looking for - she writes off her own daughter as a sinner, a filthy whore who chose heroin over her family, thus giving us a neat one-sentence summary of the beginning of John Watkins’ messianic mission of “salvation” for addicts and other such “sinners”. The only missing components were given when John’s grandfather died - crushed underneath a car right in front of the young John - and when someone installed a lock on John’s cupboard, complete with metal restraints and claw-marks inside it. Where John himself was punished a child, or where he kept his first victims? A flashback suggests the former, but who knows?

Malcolm returns to the table to find Shannon’s throat slit and blood pooling into the ready-meals; Matilda called John and is utterly unconcerned by the dead man at her table, as “Johnny takes out the trash!”. Malcolm grabs Shannon’s gun and goes outside to be smacked down by John, at last revealed to be being played by Michael Raymond-James with a most impressive beard, who Malcolm finally remembers as the other man on the camping trip. With the promise that “they’ll never find us where we’re going”, he drags Malcolm off into the dark for one long mid-season hiatus. 

Finally, trapped in her own home by ambitious paparazzi, Jessica finally decides to try directing the narrative herself. She steps out of her house to give a statement, showing the photo of the bracelet and begging for help to identify the Girl in the Box - complete with a million dollar reward for any real information. 

As far as mid-season finales go, Silent Night was a strong contender, yanking the ongoing plot of the Junkyard Killer onwards to the reveal of John Watkins, leaving us on an acceptable cliffhanger for the second half of the season. I can guess the bare-bones outline of episode 11, but am still interested to see these characters moving forwards - and, in a era of endless crime dramas, the characters are all we’re really here for. 

The only thing missing was Dr Tanaka and her delightfully inappropriate flirting, but I suppose they had to save something for the mid-season premiere. 

Other Prodigal Son Reviews are available here. 

[there-for-him]

A Look Into Tae’s Sexuality

Part one of my LGBTS analyses

Hello, it’s Charlie here again, and in this post I’m going to be sharing my opinion on Tae’s sexuality. Or in other words, why I believe he may be LGBT+.

Of course, I should start this by saying, yes, I do not in fact know what his sexuality is, the only way to truly know is if he says it himself. With that being said, I do think that we are allowed to speculate on the matter. If we weren’t, they themselves would have said so. And also, this is Tumblr so who gives a fuck. And we need to acknowledge the possibility of idols not being straight. Talking about this will only pave the way for a future where they would feel safer to be who they truly are.

Another thing I should add is that, if you are expecting this to turn into a t/k analysis, I apologize, but it won’t. I myself believe in Jikook, as those of you who already follow me know. In fact, this post won’t really talk about any ships in a way that is trying to prove their legitimacy. There will be a few moments that are mentioned but they will be used mainly to prove TH’s attraction to men. Who I ship and don’t ship won’t have anything to do with this. But I’d also like to point out that I love all ships (OT7 is the best) so I won’t be looking down on any of them here.

And of course, if you want to discuss any of what you said, feel free to drop into my ask. Just please stay civil, I want to keep my blog positive so if you’re going to be rude I just won’t answer you.

Now, let’s get onto the actual post:

I’m going to be building my case (I apologize for my dictionary, one of my hobbies is competitive debating so bear with me, I don’t take myself as seriously as it may seem) on a few things that are more obvious in of themselves and then a few that may not mean anything if look at separately but when put together make too much sense. Also, I’m only going to be mentioning only things I can analyze. There are things he has done that I, as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community myself, recognize as, well, gay culture (Won’t be me if I don’t use memes) but I cannot really explain (ex.: his whole kinky puppy on a leash thing he’s got going on with the other members) so I will be refraining from using those so people can’t come and say “tHaT dOeS nOt mEaN aNyThInG fUcK yOu”.

Let me start with one of the most obvious ones to me, which I know many others also agree on:

1.       Stigma

Before we even play the song, the first thing we notice is the title – “Stigma”. The Cambridge definition of the word is “a strong feeling of disapproval that most people in a society have about something, especially when this is unfair”. We off the bat get the vibe that this song will be about something society tends to disapprove of without a real reason, such as being LGBTQIA+. Then we notice the melody and TH’s voice. We immediately understand that the song is a sad one, an emotional one, a deep one. Now let’s get onto the actual lyrics. I’ve been hiding it

I tell you something

Just to leave it buried

Now I can’t endure it anymore

Why couldn’t I say it then?

I have been hurting anyway

Really I won’t be able to endure it

It starts off with a person who has been keeping a secret from those close to him, a secret that has been eating him from the inside. He can’t take hiding it anymore. The song starts with a confession. Now cry

It’s only that I’m very sorry towards you

Again, cry because I couldn’t protect you

The secret he has just shared is hurting the one who he shared it with. They are crying and he is sorry for disappointing them, for hurting them. More often than not, when one comes out to their family, they are met with a negative reaction. Their family has lived their entire lives expecting their child to marry someone from the opposite gender and have a traditional family. All of a sudden, their fantasy is gone. They are faced with something they do not approve of coming from someone very close to them. Along with being disappointed they are also afraid for both their child and for themselves and what the future holds for all of them. They see it as a disgrace to the family. Deeper, deeper, the wound just gets deeper

Like pieces of broken glass that I can’t reverse

Deeper, it’s just the heart that hurts every day

(You) who was punished in my stead,

You who were only delicate and fragile The person who made the confession is deeply hurt. He is both sorry for himself and for disappointing his family. (I’m saying family as they are mentioned later on in the lyrics, clarifying who he has been talking to throughout the song).

Stop crying, tell me something

Try saying to me, who had no courage

Why did you do that to me then

I’m sorry

He continues on enforcing the idea that he is both hurt and apologetic. He’s sorry that he is the way he is both because he is hurting them by it and they are hurting him because of it.

Forget it,

what right do I have

To tell you to do this, or that

He believes he is not deserving of their approval, support and forgiveness. *chorus again*

I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’m sorry ma brother

Even if (I try to) hide it, or conceal it, it can’t be erased

Here is where he shows that he’s talking about his family. Here is where we also see that what he is sorry for is not something he did, which is what most people speculate, but rather something he IS. How could he hide, conceal or erase a past action. If he has DONE something which hurt someone else, that’s not something you try to hide, that’s not how it works, for one to hide something that thing has to be present for more than one moment. Like a trait, not an action. If something he has DONE has hurt someone directly, that person must have been there or at least be aware of it, hence it would not be a secret. And here also comes the fact that hiding, concealing and trying to erase is the very definition of what being in the closet is.

Are you calling me a sinner

What more do I have to say

That part pretty much speaks for itself. Homosexuality being a sin is the main argument homophobes have. People have been and still are being killed for being gay because it’s “against god’s will”. Not to quote the lyrics but like, what more do I have to say.

I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’m sorry ma sister

Even if (I try to) hide it, or conceal it, it can’t be erased

So cry

Please dry my eyes

For the first time in the song, conveniently near the end, he is asking for support. He is asking his family to dry his eyes even if they are also crying. Please don’t stop loving me.

That light, that light, please illuminate my sins

Where I can’t turn back the red blood is flowing down

Deeper, I feel like dying every day

Please let me be punished

Please forgive me for my sins

Please

The song ends with him begging to be forgiven. Begging to be accepted. He is hurting so much he wants to die and he just needs their love. Sin is once again mentioned, twice this time.

To finish off, Tae is the only member who has chosen not to share the meaning behind the song. The darkest song out of all seven of them, left without context. Because the context is already in it.

It is also interesting to note that we all know Tae went through some shit near the end of last year and the beginning of this year. I do know that his grandma’s passing is a big part of it. But the thing is, Stigma comes from a very deep place within him. Everyone who has read the lyrics can tell that the one who wrote them has been through a lot of pain. Something is so dark is bound to put you through hell for at least a while. It is a song that basically shows self-hate. I’m sure those of you who are also LGBT+ will recognize the feeling he described so well. I do believe he went through a serious path to get to a point where he accepts himself. And he does confirm he has gone through a lot in the letter he wrote to JM.

2.       When he fell in love with the photographer in 2 hours

https://twitter.com/ironchim/status/917878874779848704 - here is the video of the moment I’m talking about.

Main thing I’d like to point out here is how shy he gets when YG makes fun of him for having a crush on the photographer. I’m sure this reminds some of you of that time JM fell for the helicopter pilot.

3.       The reason behind his love for Gucci

Tae has said that one of his role models is Alessandro Michele, the creative director of Gucci. Here is one instance where he has said it - https://mimibtsghost.tumblr.com/post/161685823623/vs-taehyung-profile-eng-trans-name-kim . First, I’d like to point out the fact that Alessandro is an openly gay man with a long-term partner. He is also someone who has been very outspoken about LGBT+ issues, which can also be seen in one of his collection that directly challenges gender expression. Here we can also bring up Gucci’s rainbow love. The abundance of rainbow attire in Gucci is linked not only to colors but also to the gay flag. This may answer people’s questions about why some of us are making a big deal out of Tae’s Gucci phone case with the rainbow UFO and recently the same UFO as a pin on JK’s tie at 2017’s Gayo Daejun. Knowing that Tae’s role model is Alessandro conforms that he is aware of the meaning behind it.

4.       Ryan McGinley

Another one of his role models is Ryan McGinley (as mentioned in the post linked above). Who is Ryan McGinley you may ask? Another openly gay artist. He is a photographer known for his nude pictures, many of which are of men and of gay couples. Here is what Tae has said about him:

5.       This

6.       Ante Badzim

 *gasps* another gay photographer he idolizes. The two of them actually had a sort of collaboration (exchange of photographs) and Ante is the one who came up with the nickname Vante. Here is TH’s part of the exchange:

And here is what Ante gave back:

7.       “I can understand now why people look at you and go ‘oh’”

Let us never forget the time Tae posted a series of picture he took of HS on fancafe and accompanied them with this poem:

8.       Lack of boundaries with skinship

Now, we all know that SK is a lot more open when it comes to skinship between friends. But what we also know is that even in SK, there are some boundaries. Things that make people raise their brows. And Tae is very prone to those. Here are some examples:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKQu4v0Pyvo

As much as some may just want to say “he’s just a touchy person”, I as a very touchy person who is LGBT+ and has many LGBT+ friends, can tell you that there is a thing like skinship being platonic at the same time as there being no hetero explanation for what is happening. When LGBT+ friends are together touchiness and flirting takes on a whole new form, believe me.

9.       That time he accidentally called a co actor handsome and got super shy about it

In an interview with him and two of his costars from Hwarang they were, I believe, reacting to the drama. At one point Tae reacted to Hyungsik by quietly mumbling “You are handsome” but the other actors and the staff heard him and started laughing and he got so shy he tried to disappear off-screen.

10.   This

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpLTlXAL-0Q

11.   I mean….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpfTP3ibqh0&index=5&list=PLAw_Pp0vdPw1_TzREMD0J5pcXmtlwOTWK

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ChR_wd2rHA&index=3&list=PLAw_Pp0vdPw1_TzREMD0J5pcXmtlwOTWK

– Someone please give me a straight explanation for this, I’m begging you

12.   Checking guys out

We can’t just ignore how many times he has directly checked guys out (we all know how he has a habit of leaving his mouth hanging open when he’s amazed by something). Here is an example of this but if you do your own research you will find a lot more:

(Credit to the creator of the gif, I apologize that I couldn’t find who made it. If it’s you please contact me so I can give propper credit).

In conclusion, I am not saying Tae is definitely LGBT+ but you shouldn’t be saying he’s definitely straight either because there are reasons to believe he may not be.

Cheers!

[wistful-wisp]

Bit of a meaningless rant.

Y’know, I’m getting real tired of one thing in particular. I love being kind and understanding, I hate making people upset. I really do, I don’t like disagreeing w people unless it’s a serious matter but damn, DAMN do I get frustrated sometimes. 

To explain, I've got a very heavily Christian friend aquaintence? who is nice, I’ve only known him for about a month. Before anyone says it, no, I don’t have a problem with Christians! Born and raised in the Bible belt of the US, you meet all kinds, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But on with my vent/rant/text wall of rambling.

Like I said I have no issues with Christianity at all. Have your churches every 10 feet in every small town from state line to state line, have your bigass signs telling me I’m a sinner, mill about parking lots and handing out bibles and pamphlets to people who take them to humor you. I don’t care. At the end of the day, it doesn’t affect me at all, right? 

What does affect me is you constantly telling me every time I fuck up in your eyes. I get it. You don’t curse. I do. I’ll try not to as much around you, nbd. 

You think trans and gays are abominations unto God? Sinners, but you say you’re okay with any who identify as such. You say “Wisp, I’ve had gay friends aplenty! I know they’re sinners, but it makes them happy so...”. I don’t much believe you.

You blow up when you realize that I think spirits and supernatural things are neat. You’re aghast when you hear that I love folklore and mythology. You’re practically petrified when you hear that I have an interest in witchcraft. You beligerently repeat “Wisp, demons are real! Don’t mess around with that kind of stuff!” You tell me, blathering on and lost in thought, that “Women are more suseptable to the wiles of the devil.” I calmly explain that not even half of witchcraft has to do with the summoning of entities. I ignore the slight of assuming me stupid and/or naive enough to do so without very very good reasoning, or at all imo and I continue on. But you blindside me with “No, if you are interested in that stuff, you should just stay away from it! The temptation will be too great! You’ll have to just stay away from it.” 

And then it hits me. Like a motherfucking frieght tain packed with bricks. You’re one of those controlling asshats. You’re one of the bad. 

So I tell you. “No.” 

And you turn into the martyr. “I am only doing my duty as a Christian. I cannot change your mind, I can’t force you to do anything. I’m just worried about you! Your soul is in danger! You could go to hell for even knowing about this stuff, wisp! Think about the reprocussions.” 

Let me just tell you one fucking thing, amigo. If you were actually concerned about me? You wouldn’t be trying to guilt or scare me. You wouldn’t bludgeon me with your ‘that’s a sin’ stick. You would try to talk about it. To relate maybe. You would ask me why I’ve an interest, if you must dig deeper. You would ask questions, not accuse. You would learn that I, have never practised any sort of witchcraft, that no I have not fucked the devil incarnate why’re you so worried about me fucking around with demons you fucking nit and you would learn that the idle fancies of a friend shouldn’t shove you onto your soapbox attop your high horse and put some fucking crusader ass bullshittery in your head. You are not the messiah. If your only sense of purpose in life derives from trying to guilt people like a petulant child that stole a cookie, you’re living life wrong. You’re so fucking concerned with the splinter in my eye that you miss the log in yours. You’re an asshole. You fucking suck. You’re a bit racist, and transphobic, and homophobic. You’re a control freak, and you’re even fucking sexist. 

To clarify, I have not told my friend any of that. He’s a friend of my dads’ son. I don’t want to stir the pot, but it is tiresome trying to delicately enlighten him that people living their life shouldn’t bother him so much. That people living their life don’t want you constantly reminding them that they’re commiting a sin. More than likely? They know. Because every-fucking-thing is a sin. 

P.S. Don’t tell me to get off my high horse when I correct you on something geeky

Because I know full and damn well if I slipped up, you’d correct me and then laugh at the silly little girl trying to play geek 

[queen-of-hearts92]

Is Kozue unpopular in the Utena fandom? She's my favorite character and most of my friends also like her but when I tried looking for Utena analyses and theories I found people saying Miki should have left her and another person saying she should have "fallen out of the Akio car and died so Akio could have a redemption arc". I understand not everyone's going to love her, and she definitely has her flaws, but this seems a bit extreme. If the fandom does hate her, why?

I…I didn’t think she was unpopular but this is the fucking Utena fandom, the land of many people missing the point and being extremely sexist and slutshaming, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised there are people that hate her outright out there. 

*Reads the quote* *sarcasm mode* Oh yeah totally, the 13 year old girl who at the worst pushed a child predator down the stairs deserves to die while the adult male rapist who horrifically abuses his sister and rapes kids should get a redemption arc, yeah ok *sarcasm mode end*. Anyways, that sentence you just quoted to me is absolutely awful and disgusting, shame on whoever the fuck wrote that. You’re right, thats extreme as fuck. Fuck that person! >8/

And yes thats a good question why in the fresh hell someone would hate her like that but it has an answer that is actually floating around Miki and Kozue’s story and the show as a whole. It’s cause of the Madonna-Whore complex. Basically society often place women into two categories, the Madonna, which is a pure sexless woman who does no wrong, and the Whore, which is an evil lady who has sex all the damn time and is a horrible sinner. Any lady who fails to be a “Madonna” gets seen as a “Whore”. But it’s a double edged sword, cause woman are also expected to be sexually available to men. Breakfast Club puts it very nicely too. In Utena this is talked about A LOT by using the terms Princess (madonna) and Witch (whore). “Those who cannot become a Princess are doomed to become a Witch”. Many of the female characters, especially the secondary ones, run face first into this issue. I find, out of the secondary characters, that Kozue and Shiori exemplify this the most and Kozue exemplifies this the most most. Anddd this lesson on not doing that to people just flies the fuck over some folks heads. 8/

SO the reason why there are those in the fandom who are hateful of Kozue is cause, she’s sexually active and mildly aggressive (I say mildly cause she isn’t really THAT violent let’s be real here) and yup thats it. Some people think Miki is “better” because he has a kinder disposition than the other dudes in the series and they conveniently ignore the fact that he treats his sister like shit. Like even the dating sim game protagonist picks up on this and eventually turns him down at the end of his route cause his projecting weirded her out and she notes multiple times (if you make dialogue choices where you are not rude to Kozue) that Kozue seems sad around him like you guys.

Now Miki doesn’t treat her poorly as in Touga style but he clearly holds her in contempt cause Miki’s whole thing is he dislikes that Kozue isn’t the “sweet innocent girl” he remembers from their childhood. She isn’t want HE wants her to be. So he projects onto others (like Anthy) looking for the ideal twin sister and the saddest part is Kozue KNOWS this. She is very very aware, she makes it obvious she knows during her elevator scene in the Black Rose Arc. And it hurts, Miki rejecting her really hurts. Their parents literally abandoned them so Miki is the only family she has. Kozue sleeps around because when she does Miki gets angry and that gives her attention, anytime they spend together she’s defensive of cause she knows her brother straight up will ignore her most of the time therefore spending time with him is important to her. Their relationship is a mess to put it mildly and some motherfuckers try and be like “ah this twin is evil and this one isn’t” when that isn’t fucking close to being true at all.

Miki and Kozue still care about and love each other, I really think they do, but as they have grown older they don’t really know how to communicate clearly to each other anymore. Miki clings to the past and refuses to acknowledge that he and his sister are growing up. Kozue is ready to grow up and be more independent but she doesn’t want to do so without her brother and she tries to tackle adult things she probably isn’t ready for (like having a mature sex life at age 13) which just strains their relationship like crazy. 

My point being is there are people in the fandom that take Kozue’s bravado at face value forgetting that she’s a 13 year old who likes pretending she has her shit together and she gets hate cause fandom sexism because to them Kozue deserves bad things because she’s not perfect or pure. A lot of folks in the fandom for some ungodly reason forget that the majority of the characters in the show are literal children and they do act their age. You have the middle school kids (Miki, Nanami, Kozue, Utena, and Wakaba) who all have various degrees of fake confidence and are extremely confused all the time, as many kids their age do/are, and you have the high school students (Juri, Shiori, Saionji, Touga, Kanae) who range from I def know what I’m doing (Touga and Saionji) to I have zero idea what I’m doing but all I can do is scream internally (Juri, Shiori, Kanae) and ofc you have Juri and Shiori doing the gay panic dance but thats a different discussion all together lol.

Basically, fuck people who hate Kozue. She’s an excellent character and deserves good things all the time! I personally really like Kozue and I’m happy she’s your favorite dude! Keep loving her! Ignore the hateful motherfuckers! I’m speaking as a Shiori fan when I say I understand your struggle dude. There are always gonna be ignorant and hateful fools in the fandom, it’s best to just ignore them really. Here! I made this years ago but I think you’d like a Kozue defense squad gif! ^w^! I made one for all the Utena ladies! If you want me to talk about more utena things just let me know!

Side note: I did a analysis about Kozue in 2013 and I still agree with what I wrote more or less, give it a read if you like! Also I created an Utena analysis blog years ago if you would like more analysis stuff! I (nor my partner) haven’t updated it in awhile but I think it’s still got good shit on it!

[heterophobiclesbean]

long personal post sorry lol

Something I think is really interesting is the parallels between cishet inclusionists and religious homophobes. Part of the reason I think I was so much more eager to identify as aroace rather than lesbian (besides the internalized homophobia) was that I was raised in the church. I was a go-to-church-every-Sunday child, I went to religious private school for my entire childhood and part of my adolescence, and I was a Bible Girl.

And deep down I always knew something I felt a little differently than all my straight peers, but I was a Good Christian Girl and Good Christian Girls Aren’t Gay.

And it was right about the time that i started grappling with my faith that I consciously began to question my heterosexuality. Changing your faith is hard, and for me, abandoning my faith meant losing a huge part of my identity. I couldn’t cope with the identity loss, with the fact that I had to re-evaluate everything I had ever believed (because I was the Bible Girl who took my pastor’s word and never questioned anything), and I had an identity crisis.

MOGAI tumblr was so appealing to me because it took so many of the same sentiments the church had instilled in me, gave them Progressive Names, and called them revolutionary. It was an easy way for me to shed my old identity, pretend to be progressive, but not have to actually re-evaluate any of the harmful things I’d been taught and had internalized.

The church taught me a lot of things about sexuality that I’m still unlearning today. 1) having sexual thoughts/feelings about someone else is wrong, that’s reserved for marriage (which is between one man and one woman). 2) Having lots of sexual feelings is wrong and you need to repent. 3) Having feelings for people of the same gender is either a choice you made to get attention or a result of sin. Perhaps being gay isn’t a sin, but doing gay things is and gay people exist because Eve ate the fruit and allowed sin into the world. Homosexuality is a result of sin. 4) Wanting to move fast in a relationship is wrong. Don’t kiss on the first date, don’t let men touch you (even if you want to be touched), any form of sexual expression is inciting assault and is sinful.

And it was easy for me to take MOGAIs principles and just slightly alter things. 1) having sexual thoughts/feelings about someone makes you Allosexual, and they have Privilege over The Aces. 2) There is a normal amount of sexual feelings to have + don’t have sexual feelings (from the church) = being ace is good, being Allo is bad. 3) Being gay isn’t bad, but it’s okay to be grossed out by gay people kissing and holding hands because of romance-repulsion and sex-repulsion. It’s okay if this doesn’t bother you with straight people, but only with gay people. 4) Aces are Pure and Good, and people touching you sexually and wanting to be touched sexually makes you Not Ace which is Not Good

Because so many of MOGAIs principles fit in with what I had been taught in the church. I didn’t need to reevaluate anything, all I had to do was slap a mogai label on myself because I wasn’t “really gay” like the Gay Sinners, and suddenly I wouldnt be going to hell anymore.

I know this post is jumbled and I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my personal issues and how to resolve them and figuring out where they came from is how I’m starting. So, MOGAI tumblr, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for being my knockoff homophobic pastor without the negative correlation and fucking me up even more.

[modularnra40]

Some personal spirituality and religion and stuff details under the cut.

So. I grew up Catholic and have identified as Catholic for a long time now. In my particular church, Confirmation (the ceremony where you decide to, as an adult(ish) person, accept and formally recognize your Catholicism) happened for most people in their Junior year of high school. I waited an extra year, and went through the Confirmation process my senior year of high school (the process involved a Confirmation class after Mass every Sunday for... 6 months or so? Basically from the beginning of the school year until spring). I waited because I needed more time to consider if I actually wanted to commit to Catholicism as an adult. I realized I was bi towards the end of my sophomore year of high school, and came out (that's a strong word. I told like, three people.) during my Junior year. My sexuality wasn't the only reason I was hesitant about Catholicism, I also struggled with the fact that I just genuinely don't believe that non-Catholics are going to Hell or whatever. (Or really the whole 'Hell' thing in general). Furthermore, that whole 'Papal authority' bit - a big part of what makes Catholicism Catholicism and not any other Christian religion is the belief in the authority of the Pope. I have complicated moral and ethical beliefs about authority figures in general. Ultimately, after reading a lot of books about different religions and spiritualties, and a lot of soul searching, I decided that Catholicism did work for me. I love the depth of tradition, I love the connection to my family, I find a lot of spiritual satisfaction in the rituals of Catholicism. I feel a deep spiritual connection to the Virgin Mary, who is sort of a big deal in the Roman Catholic faith. I decided that essentially all of my issues with Catholicism came from various stances the Church takes on certain issues, stances which for the most part can be traced back to specific political/economic moves - and I feel no qualms ignoring what I consider to be outdated views that were initially created by more or less corrupt politician-priests. This approach to Catholicism - accepting the parts of it I liked and rejecting the parts I didn't - worked for me. It doesn't for everyone. And it doesn't work for me any more.

One of the biggest reasons I came to that particular compromise was that I love the traditions of the church. I love that all of the sacraments happen with a Mass. I love that the important moments of your life; birth, reaching the 'age of reason', reaching adulthood, marriage, and death; are all celebrated in much the same way - with God and family, using the same structure as the Mass that we go to on Sunday. The sense of continuity and community is so good and so important. And it's fucked up that lgbt people aren't allowed to be part of that. I can't do it any more. For 6 years now I've been swallowing a bitter pill - at worst, according to members of my community I am going to burn in Hell because of the (gay) love I feel. At best, my (gay) love is a sin that Jesus would of course forgive me for, because aren't we all sinners? I'm done. I'm done being compared to the tax collector, and rich men, and sinners that Jesus hung out with, solely because of my capacity for romantic love. I haven't been to a non-holiday Sunday mass in almost two years, part of that is because life just gets busy, I'm 24 and living in the city, it's not unusual to go through periods of your life with less church in them. But another big part of that is that now that I've left the roost so to speak, every church I go to is a gamble - not really with my physical safety, not in Seattle, but my emotional and spiritual well-being. Because even the most pro-gay sentiment is always: 'Jesus said love each other. Jesus was all about community. Since Jesus loved even the most foul, evil, sinners, Jesus would love gay people too'. And like. That's a great step! Liberal Catholic Priests, keep on keeping on! But I'm super not about being told that this 100% genuinely good and wonderful and /Holy/ thing (love) is equivalent to terrible sin. There are plenty of things in my life that are actually sins - I am impatient with people, and often struggle to be compassionate, I have difficulty being as charitable as I know I should be - but the love that I feel? That's not a sin.

It bothers me, a bit, that it took me this long to see this as a blocking issue. I have to acknowledge that a huge part of it is that I am currently in a fantastic, loving, and suuuuper not straight relationship. Possibly, if I were at this point in my life in a cis-m/cis-f relationship, I never would have come to this realization. And that bothers me. Not just because of the gentle whiff of hypocrisy - but very selfishly, because now that I've seen it, it's hard not to notice the huge amounts of damage that the omnipresent implications of shame that even the most pro-gay Catholic sentiment expresses.

I am not quite sure where I am going to go from here. I might change my mind again, especially if the Church continues to move towards accepting diversity. I still crave that spiritual satisfaction that I find in the rituals and traditions of the Catholic Church - a lot of my spiritual needs I can meet on my own through prayer and individual reading of the Bible or other spiritual works, but that doesn't satisfy my need for a spiritual community, and long term tradition. I'll probably still go to Holiday services, when I can. I'm planning on attending services at other Christian churches in my area, see if I can find any communities that fit better with my spiritual and social needs. I'll be doing a lot of research in the next little bit. I wish this wasn't necessary. I wish that the community that I will always and inextricably link to faith in my mind accepted me. I wish that it were 'we hate gay people' vs. 'there's nothing wrong with gay people' not 'gay people aren't /worse then murderers/ (and even if they were, Jesus would still love them)'. I wish for a lot of things.

I'm down to talk about any of this with anybody (in good faith), and I'm certainly open to suggestions for spiritual communities to look into. Feel free to comment or shoot me a message :)