#i am disabled and have a part time job that i can barely even manage on a good day

[weird-and-unwell]

“Autism isn’t a disability”, “it’s just a difference”.

I am of lower support needs. I hold down a (part time) job. I have travelled around my home country. I live alone.

At work they complain about my speech. I’m too quiet, they say, “barely audible” is the words used at my autism assessment. My voice is all monotone, and it needs to be more expressive. I get this complaint every week for a year straight, until my manager gives up. I don’t attend trainings because I forget and find it overwhelming anyways. My coworkers form friendships, and I watch them talk, wondering how they make it look so easy. I get a new manager, I tell her I find the work socials too overwhelming to attend. She tells me I can just say I don’t want to come. I don’t know how to tell her that I desperately want to, to be like the rest of my coworkers, instead of constantly being the one sat on the sidelines.

I come home, and I can hear my neighbours again. The niggling background noise messes with my head, and I meltdown; I throw myself on the floor, I hit my head on the ground repeatedly as I scream and cry, tear out my hair and scratch my arms and face. When I complain, people tell me that I just have to accept that neighbours make noise, that I should just ignore it, or block it out. I am the problem, the one overreacting. I put in earplugs and it hurts and I'm crying again. I wear headphones but I can't handle the noise for that long.

I have reminders set for everything. Every chore, no matter how big or small. My phone beeps at me, reminding me that I need to wash the dishes. If I don't go now, then tick the little box on my phone to say I did it, it won't get done. My home is almost always a mess despite this. It's not just chores either. I won't think to wash, dress myself, brush my teeth or hair, without those reminders. And unless someone actively prompts me to do so, I will do those tasks "wrong". I haven't changed my underwear in a month, and I'm currently aware that's a problem, but within the hour I'm going to forget all over again until I'm next prompted.

I can't sleep without medication - it's not unusual for autistic people to have messed up circadian rhythms. Without my medication it's hard to even tell when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. When I was younger and at school I slept through so many lessons, and when I have my mandatory breaks from my sleep meds I sleep through every alarm I set. I want to work full time some day, and I'm terrified of what my sleep issue will mean for me then.

I don't travel independently. I don't travel anywhere alone, always with someone or to someone. If to someone, I have assistance the whole way. I find it embarrassing sometimes. Yes, I have a job that requires a certain level of intelligence. No, I cannot get on a train by myself. If I am not shown To The Train, To My Seat, I will be unable to travel.

Last time I travelled, I was left alone at the station for ten minutes. I stayed rigid and sobbed the whole time. I was overwhelmed. It was too loud, I didn't know where I was or where I was meant to be going, and until the assistance person came back I couldn't do anything because for some reason I cannot understand it.

I spend a lot of time trying to explain to people that despite my relative competence, I am unable to do many things. Why can I understand high level maths but not how to get on a damn train? No fucking idea.

"Autism isn't a disability" most severely affects those with higher support needs, and this is absolutely not to take away from them. But for fucks sake, autism is disabling.

Maybe you personally are extremely lucky and just find you're a little "socially awkward", or just find some textures painful or nauseating. Maybe you would be fine with just a couple of adjustments.

But for a lot of us, even lower support needs autistics, it doesn't work like that. I will never sleep properly without medication. I still have the self-harming type of meltdowns as an adult, over things that are deemed as being "just part of life". I live alone but have daily visits from family - if I'm left fully alone I forget all the little daily things one is "meant" to do. I had speech therapy as a child to get me to the "barely audible" "mostly correct" speech. I don't mask, I'm not really sure how I would to begin with.

I'm not unhappy with being autistic. It's just who I am. Life would be easier if I were neurotypical, but I also wouldn't be me. I just wish those luckier than me could...stop saying it's all chill and not at all a disability.

Because yes, socially, I am "awkward". I obviously don't make eye contact - I stare down and to the side of whoever I speak to. People think it's weird or creepy or a sign of disinterest. My autism assessor wrote down about how I often use words and phrases that don't make sense to others, even though they make perfect sense to me. In my daily life this means I'm frequently misunderstood, and have to try explain what I mean, when what I mean is exactly what I said, and the true issue is that what I mean just doesn't make sense to others. I gesture, at times, but again, my gestures apparently don't make sense in relation to what I'm saying. I take things literally, I have almost no filter, and I can't explain how I go from topic to topic.

And yes, I do have sensory problems. Sometimes people, including others with sensory problems, tell me that "sometimes sensory issues have to be tolerated", and I wonder what they think of as being sensory issues. I'm sure they do struggle, but if I say I can't handle a touch, I mean you will need to forcefully hold it against me for me to touch it more than a second and it will make me meltdown. If I say "I can't eat that", I mean that I am unable to swallow it, that I will gag and choke and inevitably spit it back out, as much as I try. If I say I can't handle a noise, I mean I'm so close to a meltdown and my meltdowns are a problem for everyone around me.

But yes. Autism. Not a disability. Just a fun quirky difference.

[zooophagous]

Hi! I'm here from a popular post of yours about humanity's love for sheep and saw you were a sheep caretaker. This is a job i really want to do. That said i am extremely frail (i have no disability that i know of, but it still sucks) and fear that the job might be too physical for me. I cant find any resource detailing the average day of a sheep caretaker in my native language except for websites trying to hire. So i guess my question is... what does your day look like (or can you get accomodations of sorts, like focusing on milking the sheep idk)! I am really motivated and ready to accept a part time job but if i knew i could manage with a full time contract i would love to get that extra money lmfao

Hi friend. I'm glad the post inspired you to love sheep as much as I do.

I will preface this with a very important distinction: my sheep were petting zoo sheep. It was a very small managed herd in a relatively small area that was kept immaculately clean.

These sheep had lots of 1 on 1 time with humans and saw caretakers as a source of food and safety. A commercial sheep operation has the potential to be VERY different.

Range sheep are often barely handled except to be given vetting on a tight schedule, and otherwise live in large flocks outside where they don't directly interact with people on a daily basis. These range sheep can be semi feral and not at ALL cooperative like a small herd of sheep managed by a hands on shepherd like what you might see on, say, a smaller farm or just for fun operation.

So suffice to say, if you're working with a very large herd of range sheep, your experience will differ from my experience with my Jacob's sheep pals who saw me every day and got hands on messing with several times a day.

I know exactly how you feel with being frail. I've never been a strong person and I have a low heat tolerance. Farm work, even on a petting zoo setting, is always going to be very hard work.

My day consisted of raking out the sheep pens daily, including sweeping out any old hay or straw and replacing as needed. The entire pen, even the outdoor areas, was cleaned. I would then feed the sheep (a hay bag with approximately 5 pounds of hay per sheep) and water the sheep (five gallon bucket which had to be dumped and refilled and carried back to the pen by hand)

I also gave the sheep enrichment items such as branches or small pieces of fruit. Old enrichment items had to be removed and reusable items like balls or toys had to be cleaned. Reusable items would be taken back to the dish station far away from the pens, scrubbed, and returned.

In addition, I would also take the sheep waste in a large trash bin to the compost heap with the help of a small tractor. The waste bin containing the droppings and old hay could weigh anywhere between 15 to 40 pounds depending on how much water waste got into the hay that day. This bucket had to be loaded by hand into the back of the compost tractor.

These tasks would continue every day no matter what weather. Our weather here is highly variable and can range from 100F in summer to -50F in winter.

It is a very physically demanding job to care for a petting zoo, and while I was often physically exhausted, I did also gain quite a bit of muscle from the experience and by the end of my time there I had more strength and endurance than when I had started.

Keep in mind, if you were to get a position similar to mine, you would be dealing with more than just sheep. I was also personally responsible for horses, cattle, goats, chickens, rabbits, alpacas and a giant sulcata tortoise. So you will be doing all of the same stuff you did for those sheep for the other animals in your care, and if you get big ones like cows, the weight limit goes up. I often had fifty pounds or more of cow waste alone. And that too was loaded by hand.

My animals were friendly and a joy to take care of, but the level of cleanliness demanded by the facility meant that the work done was very messy and had lots of lifting.

If you work with range sheep, you probably won't be scooping poop with a rake while a friendly lamb bothers you for attention. You may be physically pinning an angry ewe nearly as big as you are in a pen to force feed her an antibiotic while she tries to smash you. You may be herding sheep on a four wheeler. You may be assisting with births and expected to perform procedures such as banding, docking or mulesing.

If that level of activity is off putting, you may be able to find some fulfillment in volunteering for a livestock rescue or even working part time at a livestock auction house. If you're strong enough to manhandle a sheep you could even learn to shear. But regrettably there isn't any physically easy way to care for sheep that I am aware of.

I hope this helps you get a feel for the level of activity you'd expect in a similar role. Livestock animals are very fun and rewarding despite the effort they take. I hope to own my own small herd of Jacob's sheep as pets and pasture ornaments some day.

[sentimental-apathy]

Man, if I just had the physical healthiness it takes to physically get things done, my life would be so much better.

Like the economic circumstances would still be shitty but goddammit if I wasn't chronically uncomfortable and in pain so much and doing one simple physical task didn't diminish my entire stamina... my room would be clean, my laundry would be done, my bedroom would actually be the sanctuary space I've got designed in my mind and I could work extra shifts if my body could physically handle it. So much of what's wrong with my life is physical discomfort ALL the time and not having the stamina to deal with the discomfort and physical pain that comes with exertion. Not to mention not having access to genuinely good Healthcare that isn't designed to do bare minimum for high profits...

I just wanna have more energy. But so much of my energy is spent on simply dealing with pain and discomfort due to chronic arthritis, fibromyalgia, and nerve pain.

About 5 months ago I bought an elliptical machine real cheap on sale. It's sitting in a box in my parents garage because I am not capable of moving it upstairs. Nor am I physically capable of rearranging the furniture in my bedroom to make space for it. I need another family member's help moving big things. I am barely able to lift a 40lb bag of cat litter because of how much my body physically sucks. It sucks when you're slightly disabled and you get a piece of equipment that could potentially help better your condition (losing a bit of weight and getting some cardio exercise would lessen my chronic pain) but you need so much help from others to even get the equipment set up in the first place. I've deep cleaned my room a few times since I've gotten that elliptical but I often work weekends and my brother, the one who can help me rearrange furniture, works the days I'm off. And on the days off we have had allign, we've both been too physically exhausted from work that we procrastinate and put off what needs done (my brother works a very physically demanding factory job and I hate to ask for his physical help on his only 2 days off per week).

I've been applying to other jobs here and there but so far haven't had anything worthwhile. I'm certainly not going to leave 1 part time job for another when the one I have not only pays more but pays for my lunch and I love and get along well with all my colleagues and managers.

The thing is, I could work full time, IF I could PHYSICALLY get through a 8-10 hour shift 4 or 5 days at a time. I've made the unfortunate discovery, time and time again, that when I force my body to work past its breaking point, I end up hospitalized because I have lyme disease which flares up when I stress my body out too much. I inevitably stop sleeping, the chronic pain gets unbearable, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a psych ward because I stopped sleeping again due to too much physical and mental stress. It's extremely debilitating to deal with both physical AND mental illness that go hand in hand.

I honestly don't know what the answers or solutions to my problems are. I know losing some weight will help lessen the arthritic pain and so I've convinced myself this elliptical machine will change my life for the better. And I'm sure it will. But on the other hand, I also live in a society that, if I was ACTUALLY completely disabled, would not give me disability benefits without me literally hiring a lawyer to prove I'm "disabled enough" to qualify for help. One of my closest friends is on disability and gets less than $800/month. How does one survive on that?? How does anybody working 50+ hours/week just to pay for BASIC necessities like housing, food, and basic Healthcare NOT SEE HOW FUCKED THIS ALL IS? WHY ARE WE LIVING LIKE THIS????

I'm extremely privileged in that, for now, with my parents still alive and well off enough, I have housing. The truth is, I'd be homeless if it weren't for my family. I see so many people struggling constantly just to make ends meet. And I wish I could help. I wish we all had more. Just more in this life. I'm barely scraping by paying my bills monthly and I don't even have kids. If you're reading this and you're working yourself to the bone just to afford basics like housing and food... I'm so sorry that this society has failed us. I implore you though. Please vote in November. I know Biden is not our first choice by a looooong mile. But the alternative to him is literally a nightmare beyond comprehension for disabled people. Let alone disabled lgbtq people. Project 25 would mean no more almost free Healthcare for someone like me who's barely hanging on economically by a thread. Another 4 years of Biden gives us all time to continue recuperating from Trumps administration and hopefully pushes the left into more progressive stances. And 4 more years give us more time to find an even BETTER left candidate to take his place. Please vote. And vote blue.

[yourlilkaiju]

Ok, I am going to get political here and I really need you guys to bear with me. If the sign doesn't say enough, then this should. Project 2025 was created by the heritage foundation and it is a document that is intended to support what is viewed as the "American Dream" and "Strong Family Values". However, the American Dream does not support marginalized groups nor does it aid those in distress or in need of financial assistance. Ergo, if you are poor, you're on your own. The Family Values they are referring to does not include anyone who has melanin in their skin, does not practice Christianity and essentially is not of the cis or straight and narrow. So what does this mean, for the rest of us?

Well for starters, let's begin with the folks who are poor.

Those who are poor and are barely making ends meet are often disabled, unable to keep a job due to overstress and burnout. Which is often led to developed mental illness and can even intermingle with anxiety. Because of this the production of serotonin in the brain can even cause a negative impact on job performance. Especially given the low wages that will eventually lead to the employees inability to make ends meet without obtaining another job. However, as of recently, it has gotten to a point where it is a crime to be homeless in public. And part of Project 2025 is the decision to cut the section 8 program.

So as you can see, that quarter million people as mentioned will only get larger due to the growing cost in food, unregulated rent, cronyism and bribes from major corporations. With that being said, how will we speak up? What can we do when we are so hell bent on just complaining about a situation and doing nothing? We protest and say vote. Voting in a two party system has gotten us absolutely nowhere. In the past four years, the LGBTQIA had their rights held hostage and threatened by the DOC as a means of voting for them in the next election. Police have received qualified immunity across the board and have even received pardons, not punishments for their actions against BIPOC folks and other marginalized groups of people. Educational programs have been cut and reformed into a nightmare and social systems have slowly been chipped away by small government systems for the sake of saving money. Doctors now have a right to turn people away for being unable to afford treatment. Doctors also have a right to turn patients away if their lifestyles do not match their political beliefs, despite their Hippocratic oath. I can rant and rave about how the MTV website was completely deleted off of the Comedy Central platform. I can tell you how 30 years of queer history just disappeared at the drop of a hat. I was born just at the end of the AIDS epidemic. Music was still going strong and I remember dancing around in front of my grandma to the colorful pop videos as a kid. I remember the silly and weird Bumble Bee music video and the Captain Jack stuff that was not quite appropriate for television. I even remember Daria.

That was thorough documentation that was gone in the drop of a hat. Namely due to the fact that much of it was crucial to human history that needed to be observed, studied and matched to our culture today. To see how we interact with eachother and learn from the past. Also to learn how we dealt with LGBTQIA identities and the losses that occured in the fifteen years prior to 1995. At the same time, it is a history that was wiped out as a means of rejecting diversity and protest against a system that does not work for the people.

Gen Z, I am looking at you on this one. You focus too hard on being an adult and on superficiality. You need to knock it off. You act like you are against the system and yet you play into its hands just to look like old money. You make fun of millennial's constantly and hardly know the the world history that we picked up and grew up learning in high school. Namely because before you got there, small government cut funding. We don't blame you for that. We do blame you for educational negligence and wanting change. You don't even know what it is you want to change. You only know that you don't want to be poor. And it pisses you off that you are. Which I totally get. But you need to work within your means and get creative, babe. Stop selling thrift shit online. You're ruining goodwill for the rest of us. It's not cute and we miss our gucci bags and louis vuiton sun glasses. You little shits aren't going to get those with a side hustle, unless you marry a slum lord that you hate. So stop playing into the system. Get weird and go repurpose a barbie doll like the rest of us. I made a lot of fae and pirate outfits that way. I even made a freaking belly dance outfit like that.

That and I went to micheals and joannes...

a lot.

Circling back.

TL;DR

Be Gay, Do Crimes, Burn the entire Establishment Down to Make Way for a More Equitable Means of Government that is not only by the people, but of the people and for the people. Project 2025 is not only dangerous but it is a threat to those of us who want to live and prosper. I want to have children and become an actor. I want to have a long life and grow old enough to see my grand children live out their dreams. Or at least see my children live out fruitful and happy lives.

I'm sure that many of you want something similar.

[bambi-intersensory]

Week Two: Exploring Access

Tuesdays class was a fantastic insight into the laws regarding accessibility standards across the globe for both online and in person.

Access is often thought of as costly and time consuming and so we are left to the bare minimum for most design choices such as captioning and Screen Readers. Access also creates an opportunity to reach audiences in a different manner, potentially through a lens via a disabled point of view.

I was familiar with the majority of the key disability terms discussed as I often speak with other disabled people on them and have catered to access needs as best I can in my job outside of university, but I was interested to learn the concept of both 'Crip Time' and 'Body Mind'. These terms speak largely to personal experience as a disabled person and it really brings to light how society is only an acceptable place for a certain type of person.

Universal Design vs Inclusive Design

Watching the video introducing the W3C standards was interesting as it showed us how websites have been defined by the universal design standard, however we know that for the most part this is not enough for a lot of users as it only caters to a small amount of people.

Watching the video of the screen reader demo with Jordie proved this point as she had downloaded a third party application to read for her due to her vision impairment.

Watching the Smithsonian tour was a great example of universal design as the tactile tour was a really awesome way of providing a gallery experience to sight impaired individuals, however the video was created for a seeing audience, with no audio descriptions or captioning. By assuming the watcher was not visually impaired, they refrain from creating an accessible video for people without sight, imagine how those kids felt not being able to watch themselves in the video they starred in but only could listen to! Half the fun of being on TV is being able to see how they edited you!

Inclusive design is the modern addition to universal design which aims to bring in as many unique perspectives to ensure the designs robusticity, inviting different backgrounds, abilities, linguistics, and cultures. Inclusive design however is still seeking to create solutions to disability, like its mother universal design, as for the most part the people creating are designing for with a specific audience in mind, often isolating others within that. Often we think about inclusive design as a form of compliance for companies as they are regulations and laws regarding who is included or excluded, but often the people controlling the inclusion are top down authoritative figure who are using competitive strategies for access to allow good rapport with minority groups.

I have witnessed this sort of pandering through rainbow capitalism, which happens rampantly in June during pride month. Suddenly every company has a rainbow logo and is selling rainbow pride decorative merchandise or products. This is solely to benefit financially and socially off of the LGBTQI+ community. Through creating this inclusivity, they provide a safer and more accessible company for queer people to feel comfortable buying through, even when the first of July comes and the rainbow disappears.

Disability Justice

Disability Justice is more forthcoming with understanding disability and addressing it through social practices.

The Sins Invalid 2020 Critiques and Principles were incredibly interesting and beautiful. Their work seemed to strive for acceptance above all, and I feel like that's something that able bodied people don't understand a lot of the time. As disability is often seen as a defect, we are often thought of as trying to be fixed, however we don't need fixing, the system we exist under requires change so we can exist comfortably. For me, there is no cure for ADHD and Autism, I am forced to exist in a society that views me as a problem, I can only be managed by medication and self regulation, am I subhuman because I cannot manage myself well enough to work full time without a meltdown once a week? My partner has a chronic illness which causes their heart rate to spike and for them to pass out, why should they be expected to exert themselves for monetary gain where we still cannot afford groceries?

Forgive me, as soon as I start ranting about capitalism it becomes word vomit. Access is a human right and we have a long way to go before we get there fully.

Easy Read Exercise:

The easy read exercise was really interesting for me, I was unaware of the algorithm and grading that was used with this program, and I found it kind of disconnecting. Personally, I find my spoken voice is far more incoherent than my written voice and often have trouble creating complex sentences when speaking or conversing in day to day. Writing the paragraph and then trying to get it down to a grade eight level was incredibly hard, and I feel as though maybe this system would not work for everyone? I cannot speak for everyone but I believe that reading and writing vs speaking intelligence cannot be compared as it is often different for every person. But the exercise nonetheless was a great insight into what is used for higher needs individuals.

My Original paragraph:

In terms of accessibility, the idea of access needs is deeply personal and intrinsically ingrained in society as an afterthought. Accessibility is often thought of as a costly endeavour that is only useful to a small portion of individuals, however this is far from the case. Access needs that are commonly implemented such as captioning and screen readers are not only helpful to the people with specific impairments, but benefit those who are not necessarily considered to have these needs. The role of universal design is to create whilst seeking to remove the disabling barriers that society implements, so that everyone can access the creation on equal footing, however this is not entirely possible as access needs are varied from person to person. We can create with inclusive design in mind, however this does not ensure the design is 100% accessible to all people, we must instead consider the capitalist society we reside in and how that is the driving force for the consideration of disabled justice.  

My Changed Paragraph (Grade 8-9):

Access depends on the person. Help can be expensive and they don't like to do more than the smallest amount, like captions or text to speech. These things can be helpful for a lot of people, even people without disabilities. Universal design is what we use to create with everyone in mind and inclusive design goes further by having more complex things. Instead, let's think about capitalism and why we need disabled justice. 

[traumadragon]

feels dumb to post about adhd and autism here but I don't really have anywhere to scream (gently) about it

we literally cannot be diagnosed with autism because of how much neglect and abuse we went through, and the way i was tossed around my family constantly makes it impossible for anyone to have known me at critical times long enough to know if I have the childhood history of it other than my acting out + not getting attached to people.

we were finally diagnosed with ADHD recently through our psychiatrist letting us get on ritalin again last fall after we hadn't taken it since we were 7. our family that raised us after we were 8 found out i had been given it before they got me months after. the mother figure was very angry about it. they spent literal years teaching me how to manage my ADHD and I was severely hyperactive until on the autism side of things I developed an extremely strong interest in computer programming, which combined with the hyperfixation aspect of adhd with bouncing between different languages and different things to make with code.

now we are so burnt out, even when our burnout was decreasing, that it doesn't *look* like we have adhd. but in our brain? when the Ritalin wears off? it's like thinking with heavy fog and loud static getting in the way. our system doesn't communicate as well because our thoughts just cut off or jump suddenly and we can't locate where the original thought was. we started working on an essay for grad school on last Thursday, but our brain, even though we'd taken ritalin, used the Ritalin to focus on literally anything else super intensely. we couldn't get the focus, when it was there, to go on the paper. the day before we needed the draft turned in, we were up from 8 am to 11 pm working on the paper, and it was barely enough done to be enough of a draft for the professor to give feedback.

but we've started having meltdowns more easily again. when we manage the autism related stress well enough, people around us DO notice that we are *different*, that we don't communicate the same way they do, but it isn't an outright "you have a developmental disability". but when meltdowns get triggered more easily for us, it's the start of a huge spiral. if we don't do something to decrease the demands on us socially, sensory wise, etc, it will get worse. it's part of our burnout symptoms. we just recovered from the last burnout from the autism side of things in mid 2021.

but our body had already been warning us. we've been spending at least half of the day several times a week, and at least 6-8 hours the other days, nonverbal, brain refuses to communicate vocal cords and mouth movements and trying to think through it causes panic because we don't understand why. we accidentally started turning our work tasks into ways to use our interest in programming. we spent 3 days super intensely focused on that for the whole day, researching what was needed and trying to work with the limitations of the work computer. that made us get super far behind on the general tasks of our job on top of what we were already behind on. we aren't able to keep up with tracking social cues and the body language we've memorised very well. the only time recently we've be able to identify body language that registered as not neutral was in a meeting with two coworkers. i still can't tell what it means. I'm hoping it was just the look between two people just being annoyed with the conversation and one of the co-workers just telling me it was a yes or no question was the whole thing it was part of. anytime one of our interests comes up we don't remember to keep quiet and only give responses instead of talking about it more.

it feels stupid to be upset about it because I'm literally capable of living on my own, though I really can't keep up with hygiene and its always a problem, though I struggle to eat because ARFID+trauma fucks up what food i can cope with eating, but other than that, I'm able to exist with generally no difficulty, I'm in a field that is accommodating for the autism symptoms i have, its tolerant of my adhd. but I've gotten people accustomed to me being able to put a huge amount of effort constantly into just communicating in a way they understand.

it feels wrong that i wish i had been allowed to exist in a way that is comfortable to me. I'm too scared to use AAC instead of talking. I'm too scared of allowing myself to chew on things around people because I've been yelled at for it. I'm scared of talking about things I actually care about because people get frustrated with it. I'm scared of not doing a ton of math and observing tons of tiny things during a conversation just so people won't get mad that I can't figure out what they mean when they talk about things outside of visual context. I'm too scared to use ear plugs or ear defenders even though they would really help. I'm scared of anyone see a meltdown so I'm scared to let it happen if I can interrupt it at all, and I can generally interrupt it from starting by dissociating, but then when others are gone, I'm too scared to not just interrupt it and try to dissociate again because I almost break things i care a lot about a lot of the times with the trigger for them. So it just piles up over and over and eventually turns into a shutdown that confuses the people around me, that i am not so scared of, but it only delays an actual meltdown. I live in fear of when I won't be able to stop it anymore.

And I'm lucky I'm able to stop it. Even though it's because of abuse.

but no one sees the full picture of how bad it is.

I'm able to keep my autism symptoms being noticeable to me at a very low level instead of obvious. but every time burnout starts becoming obvious, it's harder and harder to not notice it.

and I don't know how to fix it because of how terrified I am of anyone noticing anything different than what they know of me.

and my therapist has literally said to me that I can't be diagnosed because of the way Aspergers was merged with ASD in the DSM5. Which is basically the therapist way to say that I don't suffer or struggle very obviously or in a way they notice so therefore it doesn't count. I know I manage it really well. But every person I know, online or offline, that knows me on a regular basis, if there's any concept of me being autistic in the conversation, the reaction everyone seems to have is "oh wait is that why you -" with a ton of random things like social cues and stuff I say regularly.

If people know what autism looks like outside of autistics that are nonverbal 100% of the time or struggle with gross/fine motor moments or other things that just aren't seen in autistics that get to live independently, they always register me as autistic. I can often tell if they do because they change how they talk to me even after just talking to someone else in their normal way, and I've read so many people with the form of autism that's similar to me getting upset about it... but I actually prefer it because they are clear, direct, and don't try to say so much at once.

If I stopped being so terrified of how people would react and let myself gradually just stop trying so hard, I don't know how my therapist or other people that know me would label me. It's so ingrained in me to do so many things socially as automatic responses, even though it's pretty common for a response to be incorrect, but people don't care if you correct yourself or apologise. but I don't know if anyone knows the real me, even online. i dont think i even know the real me. I just know the ways to interact and communicate and do things that I've been taught.

[oncominggstorm]

I’m doing really, really, really poorly today mental-health wise and idk what to do.

I’m just like. So tired. Of everything. I’m so sick of my life. I’m so sick of not being able to do the things I want to do. And I feel like I’ve spent my whole life just sort of sitting and waiting and letting things happen, because every time I try to take action or make a change in my life, I get so fucking burnt out so quickly and so exhausted so quickly.

And I’m so sick of just everything. And everything feels like a trap that I can’t break out of. Like take my job for example. I work, which burns me out, so I spend every minute that I’m not working trying to recover from work, and never have the energy to do things that I actually want to do, and then, after all of that, I can’t even afford anything. Like I’m constantly hungry, because I can barely afford groceries, I can only afford to eat two times a day.  I can’t afford to go anywhere or do anything. My little sister’s birthday is coming up and I can’t even afford to buy her a fucking birthday present.

I’ll be 32 in December, and I’m still living with my dad, in a house that I have no control over, I can’t control my environment, I just have to put up whatever the fuck he wants and it’s always just about him and he doesn’t think about anyone else.  But I can’t afford to live on my own, and even if I had the money for it, I usually am not even able to do basic self-care tasks like shower regularly or do my laundry, how the fuck would I manage a house on my own? But I’m just so sick of it. And I feel like such a failure. And I know that it’s due in large part to my disabilities, but I can’t get myself to be OK with that and to accept that. I always feel like I should be able to do more. And I want to do more, and it’s not fair that I can’t have the life I want.

And it’s just really hard to hold out hope. My whole life I’ve always gotten through the bad times by telling myself I just have to get through this & then in the future I’ll have this life I’ve always dreamed of and everything will be better. But it’s still not. And I don’t see how it ever will be. I don’t see a way out. Because, like I said, every time I try to do anything to improve my life or make changes I just immediately crash and burn.

And I’m just so tired. And I feel so alone. I have very little support. And I’m always having to take care of everyone else, and there’s noboidy around to take care of me. And I’m just so sick of it. And nobody likes me, and very few people love me. I really just have my mom, my two sisters, and my grandma, and that’s it, and I’m at least partially responsible for taking care of three of those four people. I don’t have support. I don’t have love. I sure as hell don’t have any friends.

I just don’t know what to do. Because it just doesn’t feel like it’s worth trying anymore. Like what’s the point? Why put myself through all the pain and struggle just to be miserable and not get to have a life that I like? And I just can’t keep doing this. I’m so tired. How am supposed to do this for another 50 years?

[milkweedman]

Worst thing abt cleaning is that rubber gloves and wrist/hand braces really do not mix. Meaning that unless i'm basically just picking stuff up and moving it, either my braces get disgusting/covered in bleach/soap/whatever, or else i wear gloves and no braces, so my wrists and hands hurt really badly the whole time. Literally no way to win

[sleepy-shutin]

do you think you NEED therapy to heal from DID? cause idk i dont think ill ever be able tk afford it or have it accessible to me (im physically disabled cant drive cant walk that far, places are limited)

like am i never gonna get better ? i find dbt skills online but like am i just discarded by this world because i dont have money and im disabled? cause im thinking its almost pointless

honestly, i can't say. i think a lot can be done with self-help books and reading the literature on DID, and going through support groups, which is what i've been doing for 4 years. it's been working pretty well for me, personally, and i can always give recommendations for books and where to find PDFs of them online for free, as well as forums that might help, (though i got to my forums and facebook groups through searching 'DID forum' and searching 'dissociative identity disorder' on facebook, lol).

i don't have therapy, have never had therapy, and probably won't be able to have therapy for a long time. i don't know if i'll ever have therapy, and by the time i'm able to have it, i don't even know if i'll actually want or need it.

i can say that through support groups and reading the literature on DID, i've managed to get by, to figure out communication and cooperation between many, but not all, of my parts. as far as i'm concerned, my life is semi-successful as i'm managing a job, an ask blog, (even if it's not regularly updating...), a social life and my system.

and honestly, this isn't even the beginning. for the last 4 years, i've been basically at ground zero because i'm still living with my abusive family. i don't have the space to communicate with certain parts, i don't have the space to process trauma, i barely even have the space to be triggered. i imagine things will become very different when i move out, and it might become miles more difficult for me.

my honest opinion?

i think it's possible to manage your life without therapy for DID. i think it could even be possible to process trauma without therapy for your DID.

therapy is kind of a far-off pipe dream for me, really. like i said, i don't know if i'll ever be able to have therapy. i'm making $15.75 an hour and still right now, i can barely afford my groceries and help my mom with the bills without going broke, even when i'm trying to save as much as i can. so if nothing else, i'm holding onto the idea that life can be managed and you can heal with/from DID without therapy because i may never get to a point where i'm able to get it.

i think there is hope for us yet, anon.

[babyyweebbitch]

Please stay with me — Remake

Soo I reread the one I did before and I wanted to remake it because it wasn’t as good (heres the first one) I hope I can make this one better 😭😭 Also, grab tissues. I made this TOO sad

TW // death ; blood ; funeral ; severe depression & relapse

summary: Chris Redfield and his wife were on a mission a seven months after Piers’ death. His wife has been Captain of their team ever since that day.

Seven months ago Piers Nivans died in order to save Chris’ life and for the BSAA. Chris was still fucked up after that day and he thinks about it almost every day. He took a break from the BSAA since his wife made him. It wasn’t a very long one though, he missed being at work, he missed his coworkers and he missed her

Chris resigned as Captain and let his wife replace him. It was a very emotional day not not only for her and Chris but for the entire BSAA because they’ve never had a woman as Captain before. She was a good captain probably even better than Chris. Despite her height, weight and basically being the youngest on that team at 28. She was undoubtedly the best captain in years

Her team along with Chris were on a mission. Their mission was to take out the enemy, find three hostages and disable the bombs set in the building “Okay men… we’re gonna be splitting into three teams since there’s a lot of us here. Team A; Corey, John and Andrew. Your job is to find out where the bombs are and disable them as quickly as possible.”

“Yes ma’am!” The three went off to do their job as told

“Team B; Phil, Jean and Mark, you’re in charge of finding and getting the hostages to safety out of this building. You three can split up, stay together I don’t care. As long as your job is done”

“Ma’am” the three left

She turned to Eric and Chris who were standing together “what a coincidence, you two are with me.” She said with a slight smile on her face, walking ahead of the two Eric leaned over to Chris “She’s so cool…” Chris thought of Finn the moment he said that, he couldn’t help but to smile and look at him “I know…”

“Stop standing around we have a mission you know!” She yelled out to the two of them. Chris and Eric quickly made their way to the door the enemies were behind, Chris was silent the entire time before he was quickly checked back into reality with a pat on the shoulder “you okay? We need you fully here for this” his wife said as he looked down at her and nodded “yeah I’m okay…”

Chris, his wife and Eric all prepared as the door was blown open and guns were firing. The three did take cover just in time. After about five minutes of gun fire and fighting it finally stopped, thinking they had all the enemies taken care of they all stood up “good job! We did it — Chris!” Y/N called out as she did catch a glimpse of an enemy that didn’t die somehow standing up and pointing their gun towards Chris.

She quickly ran towards Chris and pushed him out the way, for Chris it’s almost like everything was happening in slow motion. He had to process everything leading up to that moment. He heard a scream of pain when his head finally cleared, looking up to see his wife shot in the sternum and Eric shooting the enemy down

She started to fall and Chris caught her before she hit the floor, his eyes started filling up with tears as he looked at her “baby please… tell me this is a joke!”

She knew she was dying, her body felt so cold from the inside out she, she coughed before reaching into one of her many pokes on her pants “c…Chris… do me a favour okay? Please…. stay safe” she handed him her wedding ring, she never wore it during missions to avoid it getting broken, rusted or something. So she held it in her pocket where it was safe “I… feel so… cold”

Chris looked at the ring then at her “no don’t say that! You’re gonna be fine! You’re gonna be fine! Please stay with me!” He started crying, Eric stood by as Team B; Phil, Jean and Mark came in. They surprisingly finished the bomb quicker than expected “Captain w—“ Mark was starting to talk but he quickly stopped when he realised what was happening

“Guys… take care of him for me…” she struggled to talk. She looked up at Chris to see him crying, she lifted her Hand up to his cheek to wipe his tears one last time “no no… don’t cry hon… I’ll tell my parents you said hi… I love you..” Chris held onto her hand and his heart practically stopped the moment he felt her hand and body go heavy and her head fall back … she was dead now

“No…. Please come back! Please don’t go! Y/N!!!” He held her body close and just sobbed, Eric and team B were tearing up and trying to wipe their tears

It took a while to get Chris to let go of her body and let them put her on a stretcher and on the truck so they can go back. When they finally did everyone on the team was there. It took three guys to pry him off of her This was the first time they’ve ever seen him cry like this

—————————

It’s been almost a month since she’s died, Chris looked horrible. He hasn’t shaved, left the house, he started drinking again and Claire had to clean him up at night since he wasn’t sober enough to even do it himself. The house looked like shit especially the room Chris and his wife shared

It was the day of the funeral and Chris was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at the picture of him and her on their wedding day back in 2007. He somehow managed to even get up that day and not drink. He showered that morning, got dressed in a suit and did his hair. He still didn’t shave though

Claire came in “Chris? You ready?” She asked. She had on a black dress on “I guess so…” Chris responded. He stood up and placed the picture down on the night stand and grabbed the necklace he had with his wife’s ring on it.

Claire fixed his tie and jacket before they left. Chris was always taking care of her when she was younger so now it was time for her to take care of her older brother “good. Let’s go” Claire let him walk in front of her to the car. She drove because one he couldn’t think straight enough to drive and he was completely hung over from drinking too much

After about a 45 minute drive they arrived to where her funeral was being held at. Everyone they knew was there, Leon, their BSAA team, Her family. It was hard for him to see her brother and sister at their older sisters funeral

The ceremony, the viewing and speeches all happened and Chris barely even got through his speech without crying

(Im so so so sorry for this next part)

Chris’ speech: “Y/N was an amazing person, she always took care of everyone, me, her siblings, our team, Claire… everyone. She put everyone before herself no matter who they were. She joined the BSAA not because of herself because of her parents death in Raccoon City. She promised them she would do something in any way to stop what happened in Raccoon from ever happening again. She treated our team like her family and even the rookies as her kids even if they were a few years younger then her. She was an even amazing person and wife. And I miss her dearly.”

There wasn’t a single dry eye in that room when Chris said his speech. After everything, everyone went inside to eat and talk.

Chris sat with Claire and Y/N’s siblings. He just picked at his food and stared at the plate. He was terrifyingly silent before Leon came over “hey Chris… how are you holding up?” Leon asked as he stared at Chris. He could tell how hard this has affected Chris. “I’m fine…”

“Chris… You need to eat. All you’ve done in the past month was drink, workout and cry… You need to at least eat something” Claire said “she wouldn’t want this… Her or Piers wouldn’t want you to be like this. Y/N would be yelling at you if she saw you picking at your food like this. We both know she would”

Chris’ eyes started to water once again before he spoke “I…. I know.. but I just miss her so much, Claire… we were gonna start a family together… she wanted to have kids and get a bigger house so we can have a big family… now I can’t have one because she’s the only person I wanted a family with…” Chris sighed softly as he wiped his eyes

“I miss her too… we all do…” Leon commented looking down at his plate. Chris eventually ended up eating his food and everyone left to go home. The entire drive home was deafening to the point you can hear a pin drop

When he got home he changed inside a fresh pair of clothes and he started to clean the house, starting with the bedroom and ending in the Kitchen. He cleaned it exactly how she’d like it and when he was finished around 3:32 am he sat on the couch and sighed

They were right… She would yell at him if she saw the way he was, how the house was when she died

—————————

After a few years pass it’s before the entire Village situation. Every week since the funeral Chris visited her grave and just talked to her for a bit. On her birthday he spent almost half the day there, on new year’s he watched the fireworks by your gave.

He still hasn’t moved on since her death he can’t even get into another relationship with a woman since her death but it’s not like he can find anyone else like her… and honestly he didn’t want to.

IM SO FUCKING SORRY FOR MAKING THIS EVEN SADDER tbh tho I started tearing up writing this

[ecclais-fouoras]

Falling for someone like you

Chapter 9 ? What a day

Previous chapter here

Tags : fluff and slight smut warning ⚠️

The next day went swiftly, you both had a great time at the mine and then the museum, afterwards you both went out for dinner, in the small restaurant she had spotted before. Wilhemina offered to pay since you had already done so much for her those few days. "I insist baby..you've been amazing and I was the one who suggested it... Let me get this one"

"Okay fine...don't make a habit out of it you know I love to spoil you, my darling" you had responded placing your hand on her cheek. That night you had gone to bed early, exhausted from the day spent. Your lover laid by your side, your arms around her protectively and her leg draped over your body, and fingers upon your collarbones. "Y/n ?"

"Mm ?" "What are we gonna do tomorrow ? I tried to find something to vis..."

"Amusement Park"

"Huh ?"

"Tomorrow that's what we're doing"

"Oh...you do kn..."

"I checked if it was something you could do, and there are many attraction available"; "Good..." She said before yawning. "Oh baby sleep you're tried"

"I don't want this day to end"

"It doesn't have to...in your mind never" You turned slightly, putting your hand around her hip and under her head, and hers went to your neck. Your legs found the spot between hers and the one still on top of your body. On Sunday you woke up a little bit early to pack stuff in the car before traveling to the park, your girlfriend watching the landscape pass by the cars window. Your eyes fixated on the rood and right hand in hers on her thigh. You arrived and went inside. The place was kinda crowded but since Wilhemina couldn't stand for too long waiting wasn't a problem, you could easily enter attraction in another line. "I hate their faces when they see me cut the line" she said growling from anger and you caressed her hair while explaining "Hey baby... You're not cutting line, your simply taking another one. If they don't like it they can try and live all their life in a body that aches like yours. They'll see if taking that line is worth the trouble."

"I guess you're right"

"I am...if they aren't happy about it they can suck my dick"

"OH so they can but you barely let me do it ?" You playfully feigned being offended and slightly pinched her arm. "That's not even true.."

"It is. Whenever I wanna do it you don't pack"

"Well I'm not going to pack every single day love"

"Well at least some of them baby"

You giggled and subconsciously started walking towards a small Russian mountain.

"Are you up for that mina ?"

"Of course. I'm up for anything", "You Sure ? It seems pretty scary". "It's not. Besides if it wear it would say not for people with back problems"

"Okay okay... Well when you throw up just make sure it's not while the wind is in our way."

"Haha very funny"

:read more:

She said as you took her hand and leaded her to the side line, after a few minutes you got in the seats. Wilhemina held your hand a little tighter than usual, so you nuzzled behind her ear and told her she was more than safe with you. She relaxed a bit and then screams and squeals of joy were the only thing that could be heard. You both moved throughout the park, doing things left and right, pointing at beautiful landscape and designs. You stopped at a flying swing and encouraged wilhemina to come with you and do it together. But she didn't seam to keened on it. Even as you took her hand and tugged her towards it she held her ground. The mushroom tower started to rise and everyone started cheering as the chair flew around in circles and people moved in their chairs."Look it's fun honey" "It's for kids."..."No. It's not. Watch there are plenty of adults her and besides it didn't bother you in the flying elephants."

"That was different"

"Absolutely not, look if it's because you don't stand the movements it's okay, but at least tell me"

"I do stand it" you went closer to her, your hands on her hips as you kissed her cheeks "Babe tell me what the real problem is, no bullshit please"

"I don't have. Anywhere to put my cane in there."

"Well we can leave it in the entrance"

"I'd rather not"

"Why, you don't need it during the ride, and I'll get it for you at the end baby"

"Who knows what will happen during the ride. I don't want to find it broken, not only because you gifted it to me, but because it is my life, I refuse to let it be broken or lost by those incompetent people"

"Hey..hey no need to insult anyone here, baby I know that, but just like when you go to bed you leave it to the side, you can let them take care of it"

"I..."

"Baby I promise nothing bad will happen"

"How can you do that"

"I'll make sure it doesn't, do you trust me ?"

"Of course I trust you. I just don't trust anybody else"

"But you learned how to trust me, so maybe you can try and give a little trust to that"

"Fine. One session"

"Yay ! I promise you'll love it" You said as you both went to it, and as soon as wilhemina was sited you went up to the people managing the attraction and asked them to keep her cane during the ride.

"Oh and by the way. If anything happens to it. Even the slightest impact, i will make sure you all lose your job, and ruin your reputation so much no one will go to a park that is unacceptable with disabled people."

"..we..yes. well, we will take good care of it"

"You better do." You went back and sat just next to Wilhemina on the double sided chair. "Did you te..."

"It's okay baby. They'll handle it carefully"

"Oh okay..." The swing raised above the floor, and progressively your feets hanged down as they stopped touching ground and The ride began. the wind hit your face faster and faster and you both smiled and yelled as it spined. Wilhemina had to keep her hand on her skirt so it didn't lift up and give everyone else a great view and you giggled. You whispered in her ear as the world around you kept turning and turning. "Don't traumatize these children and get arrested for public nudity I'd hate to have to get you out of jail and runaway together..."

"Is it weird of it actually sounds good"

"Depends on which part"

"The last bit you fool"

"Well my anxiety could never...but keep dreaming darling" You both laughed and held hands as the chairs were turning even faster. At one point the air was to rapid through her hair and it detached her hairdo, you Heard her groan as her hair moved everywhere including her face while she looked at you. "Oh come on why"

"It's fine mina just let it go"

"It's a good thing this was not a wig"

You laughed again as You pushed the hair out of her face and saw her eyes shining with joy, you don't think you ever saw her so happy your whole life, and you thought maybe she never has been.

"I love you y/n"

She said as her hair flew behind her like a beautiful main. You couldn't help but put your hands around her face and bring her for a kiss. Your lips lingered on hers for a while, hands stoking her cheek and breathing linked and she pulled away questioning. "Why the kiss?"

"I just couldn't not kiss you right then"

"But in front of all these people ? Children"

"They won't die because I kissed the woman I love. They've seen people kiss before, they'll be fine"

"But the people here ?"

"I don't give a single fuck about them, I love you and they better get over it."

"I love you too" You enjoyed the rest of the ride, and after you got down you went to get wilhemina's cane for her, and as it took a little longer before she got out of it like the rest you heard someone tell her to get off the swing because people were waiting. You immediately turned around and went up to him, her stepped back a little "What did you just say ?"

"I..i said that this bitch needs to get off of the swing or learn to leave others their turn"

"You better shut the fuck up now, or else you really aren't going to enjoy the ride with a broken nose and bleeding face."

"Is that a threat ?"

"No it's a promise."

"It's unacceptable she ne.."

"And you need to stick your patience up your ass and fuck off. She'd be out of there in a second if you were able to keep your fucking mouth shut, now I bet you don't have any one in your life who has a disability except you because you are clearly having a stroke so let me tell you this. You say anything offensive to my wife. And I'll have your fucking ass in the floor."

"How dare you ? Telling all this in front of my kids"

"Maybe it'll teach them not to be complete assholes to people. Now your kids didn't say anything you did. So maybe you could thing about that"

"M'am you have to hurry..and keep your distance with the rest of the clients" The bold men tried to respond.

"But...i..i" ."

"we'll be out in a sec.. You. Save it. I honestly don't give a shit about your opinion, I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing it for her. Because if she weren't there I would have already been in jail for beating your ass. I'll say it once. Stay. Away. From. her. And keep your thoughts to your two inches long brain."

You went back to give her her cane and you both left the swings, glaring one last time at the men, who looked like he was about to piss his paints.

"Don't bother him, he's an ass"

"You don't always have to get in trouble for me"

"You're kidding right ? He was practically begging me to tell him off. Besides no one talks to you like this and gets away with it on my watch"

"He looked like a kid cought cheating have to admit watching you It was a little hot." She whispered in your ear

"Happy to oblige" you said as you pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and grazed her cheek. After that she bent forward a little and lifted her arms to try and do her hair back which you knew could hurt her.

"Hey hey no.. leave it" you said as you put your hands on hers.

"Let's sit over here baby"

You said while taking her to a small stair bench.

"Sir over here I'll sit on the one higher.

"Oh okay"

You settled her between your knees and asked for her hair tie.

"Do you really want to put it up again ? You know I love your hair down like this, you look so beautiful"

"I know you do, but it's our thing you know, I don't want it to become banal, I like that you're the only one who sees me like this, it makes it special"

"We have other things that are private darling, just because you go out with your hair down it doesn't mean it's not special anymore. I still get to see you in your nightwear or with a messy tee-shirt and a lazy bun."

"I know but still, I prefer keeping it up please"

"Okay baby no problem, can I put it up how I want ?"

"..fine yes, but no funny business"

"Of course" you said as you kissed her neck. You started sectioning her hair, brushing it through your fingers, huming softly. And you started breading, strands of hair between your hands, one over the other. Starting from up and then going down. Wilhemina relaxing visibly in your embrace, letting her head slightly back.

"Oooooooh, I am not the only traveler, who has not repaid His debt, I've been searching for a trail to follow again take me back to the night we met, and then I can tell myself what the hell am I supposed to do.

I had all and then most of you some and now none of you. Ooh

Take me back to the night we met.

"Here done"

"Can I sea ?"

"Let me just ..there "

"Oh..y/n"

"You don't like it ?"

"No..no i do like it.. it's different than what I'm used to"

"I figured you don't usually bread it because it's probably to painful, so I wanted to do something nice". "I love it y/n"

"You look beautiful"

She blushed softly before you kissed her lips.

Afterwards you were both a little hungry, so you took wilhemina to a candy shop, they sold many things like sugar canes and candy floss

You waited before asking Wilhemina what she wanted, and ordered a pomme d'amour for starters, and decided you would take candy floss to walk.

"It's going to be messy y/n we have to cut in"

"No..baby the whole thing is to bite it at the same time"

"I swear if you get my shirt stained"

"It won't willy"

"Oh you know I hate that nickname"

"That's why I use it willy"

She groaned and you both stood while you held the food.

"On three"

"Wait does that mean we bite on three or after three"

"Oh just bite it on three love"

"One."

"Two" you both said

"Three"

You both took a bite out of the apple, juices covering your taste buds and the sweet sugar envelope cracking.

You giggled with your mouths full  and finished the apple as much as you could, heads turning around to find a good angle and sharing the same space.

You noticed Wilhemina had sugar on her top lip corner.

"Baby you have a little something here"

"Oh..thank you"

She tried getting it off but it wasn't efficient. So you stepped closer.

"Here..let me do it" you said before setting down the rest of the dish and pressing her against you while your hands found her jaw and you kissed her soundly, she moaned a little when you bit her top lip. And grazed it with your tongue. It asked for entrance and Wilhemina granted it to you. You made out together for a little bit before parting a little and just holding each other for a while, pairs of hands around shoulders and hips.

After that you bought the candy floss and started walking around the park once again.

You both picked in each others sticks, exchanging looks, smiles and kisses.

Feeding each other bits every now and then.

After a dozen minutes you had both finished

And you kissed her again, sharing the taste of sugar between each other. Her cane pressed against her and her cheek in your hand.

"Thank you y/n"

"For what ?". "For giving my life purpose"

"Aw baby why do you have to be so damn cute ALL the time"

"I'm serious"

"Me too...and you don't need to thank me, you mean everything to me. Come here."

You said before taking her inside your arms, inhaling her sent and circling your arms around her frame. You pressed kisses in her hair and she place them in your neck.

"I love you so much Wilhemina"

She started to tear up a little bit before sniffling and hiding more inside your body.

"I mean it...baby you don't ever have to cry about that again..for I will hold you till the end of time itself. And in every one of your future life's I'll have you in my heart."

Time passed as you held each others before slowly getting going again.

You arrived at a shooting game, pushed animals were hanging from the walls and ceiling.

"Oh here let me win you something !"

"Oh come on darling these games are money black holes"

"Not if your good at it" she starting turning around and walking away

"Besides it's gun shooting you're not going to be any good at that love you don't own any. Also I think it's quite funny that yo..."

"Here m'am, ya just need to get those target over there to ya win"

"Huhh come on y/n, do you even know what I said"

"Ssh baby I gotta focus"

"Sshh? So you shush me now ?"

You ignored her rambling as your hands settled their positions and you started shooting the first few bullets hitting right on the targets, five bullets later you heard a ringing sound and the guy stunned by your performance started

"Well m'am I'll be honest I wasn't expecting ya to win on the first try. But here ya go, you can pick one of them little stuffed animals"

"Mm I'll have this one for my lady over there "

"Excellent choice...here there ya go ... have a nice day birdies"

You giggled and thanked him as you went up to Wilhemina and gave her the white furry bunny you had won.

"So since you were so supportive I'll just keep it to myself"

"...I'm sorry baby...i just didn't want you to waste your money" "I know"

You said as you handed her the toy, "it's for you baby", "Oh.. really ? Wow it's the first time my lover...well anyone wins me something at a game"

"Looks like I'm your first on lots of things babe"

"Heyy" she responded while jabbing your shoulder "Aww why do you always do that, I think I need to go check it at the hospital."

"Oh don't be A baby y/n"

"Well you're the one standing with a bunny in your arms so who's really the baby huh?" She frowned before she joined you in laughter. You walked hand in hand with her gift under her hand. The sun was starting to set slowly as you both chatted and enjoyed the rest of the day.

"Let's get married"

"...What ?"

"Here let's get married now"

"..y/n ? I don't understand...I'm not sure it's a good idea"

"Chill baby I meant there" you said as you pointed the small church in the middle of the other attractions.

"It says it celebrates unions and marriages, but nothing actually official"

"Oh .."

"So let's get married here darling. Let's have our unofficial official ceremony now"

You said as you led her to the counter

"Wait..."

"It's okay you don't want to"

"No..no I definitely want to, I'm just straddled, and what If they don't celebrate our 'marriage', baby there are no legal obligations here"

"Well I don't care if they don't celebrate 'Our' marriage. I'll find another fake church that does, but we have to try frist right ?"

She nodded and took your hand.

"Hello ladies how May I help you"

You both looked at each other and she smiled.

"We would like to get married." "Alright, are you married irl ?" "Nope"

"I have to inform you this is all outside of any actual legal union, this mariage is only valid here, and in your hearts."

"We know"

"Perfect then. Follow me" You arrived in a room filled with dressed and suits, the man asked if you wanted to pay before or after, you decided to do it now, Wilhemina didn't even notice you did. "I'll let you approximately 30 minutes to choose your formal wear and get dressed, an hour to prepare your vows and will Then accompany the... well brides walk down the aisle"

"If it's easier i don't mind being already there."

"Oh yes good. Anyway, I'll let you change, there are two different Rooms with staff so you don't see each other until marriage"

"Thank you". You both said before picking your outfits and trying on dresses and suits. After some time the man came back and took Wilhemina before letting you know where was the aisle. You waited there with the pastor, who didn't look used to celebrating marriages between women, but who wasn't mad about it. The music started and there was no one else in the church except for the few staff and you both. The doors opened and you saw your girlfriend walk arm in arm with the guy who welcomed you in. She looked ethereal, beautiful you had never seen such beauty before, her hair was in a beautiful hairdo, half down half up, a bunch of colored flowers in her hair and even a purple orange make-up.

She walked gracefully, her dress following her and a veil attached to her flower crown.

"Hey"

"Hey...wow, you...look... amazing...I'm so lucky" she blushed before being handled her cane and replied "Well...I must say You're not so Bad yourself y/n"

"Erm erm.. We are reunited today. To celebrate the union of two beautiful souls, linked together by life. Two hearts beating at the same pace, two bodies sharing one path. We are here, in the evening of this bright full day, to make the two women standing here, married, for better and for worst until death do them apart...If i may have the rings. " He took them and turned to Wilhemina "You will now exchange your vows"

"Oh..lord..sorry. this is the part I'm not going to be good at. But you already know that.

You know every part of me. Every single piece I've yet to discover. You hold them, in your arms. Steady, fierce, protective, bringing me the safe home i could have never hope to have. And yet here you stand. By my side every day. You hold my heart, and you make my sun hang, so bright yet so easy, in my sky. I didn't believe I could ever be liked. And you showed me unconditional love.

I didn't believe I was pretty, you made me feel like the most beautiful goddess in the world. I didn't believe I could feel it, but darling, you are the person I love like I would have never believed such feeling existed.. I am not good at expressing feelings, I find them to abstract, to volatile to be caught by my words. So I chose the ones of someone else that resonated with me so hard I believe them to be our own.

'You belong with me, my love. And I belong with you. We should live life side by side, In everything we do. You belong with me today, For now and ever more. And I belong with you, my dear, The one that I adore. We were meant to be, I know; It’s written in the stars. I love the way we are as one, And everything you are. Just think of all the moments Aligning for us to meet, So once we found each other, We were bound to feel complete. But this part of our story, We’ll sit and write together. Hanging memories on the wall,of the home we’ll share forever. So, both of us are certain. As we each say ‘I do’, That you belong with me, my love, And I belong with you." As she was done and the tears spilled from your eyes the pastor gave her a ring and spoke again.". "Now you will repeat after me as you place the ring on her, -I take you, y/f/n" "I take you y/f/n" ; "—to be my wedded Wife" "To be my wedded Wife"

"— to have and to hold from this day forward"; "To have and to hold from this day forward"

"—for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer''; "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer" ; "—in sickness and in health to love and to cherish,"; "in sickness and in health to love and to cherish,". "—till death do us part"

"Till death do us part"

She said as she finally settled the ring she picked out on you.

"You will now exchange your vows to your bride."

".. Wilhemina, every time I dreamed about love, it was always me finding it, searching, like a lost salior for my beloved boat.But little did I know, love would find me, it would find a way through my heart, in between the cracks of it, sunshine would bring healing. I remember when I first fell in love. The intensity, the warmth, I remember her smile, her hair. I remember how hard I loved. How wrong I may have, probably because of the youth. I remember how much it had hurt. When she was taken away from me. When I could no longer hold her body, when everything from her had immediately and indefinitely turned to dust. I remember how I cursed at the wind, yelled, screamed, cried, abused whatever God had been responsible for it, responsible for this pain love had brought. I swore, I swore to never love ever again. And I tried, I begged for love to leave me alone. I dreamed it would never hurt again. And I remember when I found you, and you found me. How utterly lost we had been. How stupid it was for me to think I would not fall for you.

For your smile.

For your laugh.

For your eyes.

For your tears of joy and sorrow. For every single beat of your heart. How stupid I had been, To think I would never fall again. But the truth is, I spent all these years climbing, to afraid, to hurt, to coward, to actually jump. But the more high you gain The longer and harder the fall. And man, did I fall. And man, how did it feel so terribly perfect to do so. And man, little did I know, you could make me fly. I wasn't scared anymore. It didn't hurt. It was the answer I had been searching for all of my life. The one I didn't know was within me all along, the one you brought to life. It was love, love was the answer. No Our, our love was the answer. I'm so completely and unapologetically in love with you. You, you, you it's always been you. And the stars are watching, they are jealous, and they talk because never in the eternal burn they experience, never did they see souls shine so bright. Our connection goes beyond speaking, you choose words to express what you want to say. I want words to choose how to express what I say.  In truth, we married each other that first night, in bed, we had been married by our bodies, but now we stand in history—what our bodies had said, mouth to mouth, we now said publicly, gathered together.

'I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:i love you as one loves certain obscure things, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself, and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose from the earth lives dimly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you directly without problems or pride: I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love, except in this form in which I am not nor are you, so close that your hand upon my chest is mine, so close that your eyes close with my dreams... We, unaccustomed to courage exiles from delight, live coiled in shells of loneliness, until love leaves its high holy temple and comes into our sight to liberate us into life. Love arrives and in its train come ecstasies, old memories of pleasure, ancient histories of pain. Yet if we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear from our souls. We are weaned from our timidity, In the flush of love’s light, we dare be brave. And suddenly we see that love costs all we are and will ever be. Yet it is only love, which sets us free.'.. Today i stand here, as i will stand for as long as my fragile body allows me to, perhaps then I will sit, or lay, by your side my dear, always. And love within me blooms, and makes flowers from every cell in me grow. I will choose you over and over again love, I will hold you close, I will give you peace, I will bring you home. In me. In my heart."

"Now, for the ring.."

He gave you the one you'd picked for her, a thick golden string with amethyst, and Carnelian.

"-I take you, Wilhemina venable"

"I take you, Wilhemina venable"

"-to be my wedded Wife"

"To be my wedded Wife"

"- to have and to hold from this day forward"

"To have and to hold from this day forward"

"- for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer

"for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer"

"-in sickness and in health to love and to cherish,"

"in sickness and in health to love and to cherish,

"-till death do us part"

You finally slid the ring on her finger before saying.

"Till death do us part

"Perfect, you may now kiss the bide."

You turned to Wilhemina, picked the veil covering her face, lifted it and placed it backwards before taking she took her face in her hands and yours grabbed her hips, bending her slightly backwards before stealing her lips in the most beautiful and delicious kiss you both had the chance to share, oxygen wasn't even needed as your whole body experienced full Bliss, during the embrace you heard, no felt her mumble 'i love you' to which she know you replied by kissing her harder tumbling a little before parting away, faces close, smiles on both of your lips. You walked down the aisle tightly pressed together her hair darked than usual with the dim candle light. And as you went through the door, bells rang and you felt rice being thrown at you from somewhere you couldn't spot. Eventually you got outside, turned to your wife and spun her around before kissing for what would most definitely not be the last time of the day, body pressed together like it will be during your Wedding night.

When you came back home both of your touch yas tender yet urgent, you took no time to

Set your things, just immediately riding her of her day clothes and coat, slamming the door with your feet and taking her upstairs. Before the bedroom door you lifted her up over the threshold, "tradition is sacred my darling"

"Shut up and just make love to me"

Shortly you were both in your underwear, your body on top of hers, cradling her with kisses and caresses, your lips all over her body.

You began to take her nipple in your mouth and play with the other one, her back arched and she moaned loudly, you were starting to kiss your way down her body but she stopped you.

"I..I..want us to cum...together"

"I can't refuse my baby now"

You dragged down her body before teasing her inner thigh and kissing her clit, making sure she was wet enough, you went up her body again, your hand between her legs stating to work her up. Your own hand finding yourself, toying with your panties before sitting back and touching yourself for her to see. Once you were both ready you aligned both of your centers, and lowered yourself on her. Hearing a moan from both of your throats as the contact was a delightful bliss. Your moans filled the room as you rubbed your clitorises faster, wet sounds coming from the friction. "Uh..uH baby I'm getting close"

"..wait a bit for me.. can you do that ?"

"Uhh..yeah..yeaH" You doubled your efforts and before you knew it she was cumming all over you which triggered your own orgasm. You fell on her body, legs intertwined as your bodies sank into each others. Still catching her breath Wilhemina couldn't stop herself from laughing.

"...We got married...in an amusement park";

"We did baby...".

".....I love you";

"I love you too baby"

A/n: the italic pieces are bits of different poems, I couldn't settle for one, if you think cutting a poem is sacrilegious I'm sorry but I believe that Words and art is ment to be movements, live and change though our experiences of then, pieces of structure that you can use to build. your own.

[mountain-man-cumeth]

How would you rewrite Muriel’s route?

This is the 3rd question I got with similar vibes so imma begin by saying that I am not a writer. I am a reader, a decent one, but I’m not the idea guy. I will try, though, since it seems like people are interested for some reason.

First of all I'd make some baseline changes to set the backstory proper;

Muriel chose the mantle of Lucio's executioner willingly, him and Asra had no other means to survive so they willingly worked as indentured servants under Lucio. He reasoned with himself thinking these are bad people and that he has no other skills to offer. (There might be a threat on Lucio's part that they can be replaced, he doesn't have to had given a villain speech for the implication. He is a rich tyrant and they are street kids, it the service they provide isn't up to par Lucio can easily look for alternative options.) Let me be clear, Muriel was not a gladiator. Gladiators are compensated generously for the entertainment they provide and often due to the amount of investment made on them, fighting to death wasn't a common occurrence. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Muriel, or rather the Scourge was well known and probably liked by the crowd, there's literally no reason for Lucio to utilize him otherwise. He wants people to enjoy the show, if everybody hated Muriel what use is he to Lucio?

Kokhuri are alive. The tribe had to relocate but they left Khamgalai to tend to the graves. They are nomadic and matriarchal people who likely don't adhere to mother-father-child kind of European family structure. The children are raised communally.

Muriel's curse has nothing to do with myrrh, there's a rune that can counter it and only he knows how to make it, he figured it out by himself for Asra. Any magic that can nullify a spell by Major Arcana is no doubt strong as fuck.

I'd start similar to main 3, MC is tasked to find Lucio's murderer. They find Muriel's brush or loincloth or whatever early on which leads them to the forest but because of the protective spells and the curse they get lost. They ran into Muriel or Inanna and she leads them to Muriel hunched over the corpse. They try to help, like the canon, and have a brush with Lucio's goat ghost. They tell him they were looking for the Scourge and Muriel says there's no Scourge here.

The day after they forget about Muriel but remember the rest and relay that information to Asra, who gets agitated by Lucio's return. He thinks Lucio is here for MC's body but doesn't explain anything, instead begs them to leave town until he figures something out.

They go to see Muriel and he reluctantly agrees to accompany them to the outskirts of the forest, on Asra's request.

Some point on their road trip Asra water-calls them to inform them that Lucio is looking for hearts and the Magician (or whoever else Asra consulted) implied they might find answers South. MC still doesn't know anything except maybe some comments Muriel could have made that painted Lucio in a bad light but they decide to investigate regardless. Muriel opposes, eventually caves (either thanks to MC or Asra). He lets out that he's been tailing MC on Asra's behalf for years so it shouldn't be that much different.

They go from town to town, MC helps Muriel ease into dealing with people again and it's easier since nobody knows jack about Scourge. They learn that he enjoys card games and collecting trinkets from different cultures. He might even get a little too enthusiastic about plants and gives random advice to a gardener.

We might learn here that Muriel doesn't like feeling that he's on a display or that he's performing. He prefers to lay low and blend in, not necessarily completely shut off the world.

They run into Morga(maybe they encounter raiders or a barfight or something alike), who's also been tracking Lucio. She proposes to work together. She berates Muriel for being a coward and convinces him to fight as that's all he's good for. (I think it's better if MC trains on magic rather than archery, I'm seeing alot of disabled MCs.)

She tries to train them but Muriel doesn't respond well to fighting and eventually Morga leaves. Valdemar or Vulgora catches them, Lucio's still trying to get MC's body. They escape just barely, MC gets hurt, Muriel beats himself up over it, some angst some fluff, you know the drill. Maybe he has a panic attack because panic attacks are usually not as on the nose as "Oh No I Gotta Fight Someone With a Knife". Looking for a shelter and aid, they find a cottage which turns out to be Khamgalai's. She helps them out, teaches Muriel how to heal using the techniques of their clan, I assume MC helps since they know some restorative spells too. She tells Muriel his family sent him away when they got ambushed so he wouldn't have to live on the run as Morga's clan was on a war path to conquer South. We get sad, lots of tears. Kisses might ensue.

Somehow it's revealed that this is the answer they were looking for and not Lucio (because I think the whole "Lucio's clan" plot was redundant) and Morga was just using them as bait to get Lucio out of Vesuvia.

Morga catches on to them, we learn who she is, Muriel and MC confront her but Khamgalai says her warmongering already costed her everything. She says she's trying to make up for it by killing her son and she needs MC to lure him out, they agree to work together, begrudgingly. (MC's past can be revealed here since they need to learn what's the deal with Lucio's obsession of them at some point)

Around this point MC might realize the mark's fading, Muriel brushes it off.

Instead of Lucio, Devil comes and tells them about Lucio's plan to do the ritual again. They go back to Vesuvia to warn people

Masquerade happens, people remember Muriel, Nadia or MC or someone give people an ultimatum. But oh no it was a TRAP all along, Devil told them of the ritual to get them right where he wanted. Lucio gets in MC's body, Asra sends them to the Arcana realm, same story as main 3.

MC forgets Muriel on the Arcana realm but through the power of love and maybe some guidance from the Hermit they go "oh no i forgot my boy". They return to find him in the Coliseum. What?! He was the Scourge?! Who could've thought. (this reveal wouldn't affect MC's opinion at this point since they already know he's a cinnamon roll)

This time Lucio's blackmailing him with MC's body. He says he needs hearts to make himself a new one and if Muriel grabs some for him MC can get their body back.

Story diverges to Upright/Reversed

Upright, if MC encouraged him to take it easy, but take it: MC snatches the body of someone he's suppose to fight to change his mind, he decides not to do it and instead go with defeating Lucio on the Arcana realm plan(curtesy of their friends). So here we can have a romantic scene like in Nadia's route where his chains are broken in the Arena.

They fuck around in the Arcana realm facing their fears and stuff, they bond, defeat Lucio, petrify the Devil etc. I like to think Muriel finds the forest spirit here, too, and maybe manages to heal it or learns that it's damaged but with enough time and care it will regrow. (a metaphor? in my arcana game? its more likely than you think)

Morga is charged for war crimes by the Kokhuri, the Coliseum is demolished and the love birds travel around doing their thing.

Reversed, if MC encouraged him to be strong and uncaring: MC fails to convince him and he decides to go through with Lucio's plan. He kills Morga and some more important spirits and fucks up the world. Which turns out to be a bogus plan anyways, Lucio only needed the hearts to settle his deal and Muriel kills him, too (I am untethered, and my rage knows no bounds!)

Without a body MC is stuck in the other realm so Muriel and them retreat to the magic dimension, defeat the Devil and live the rest of their days.

There might also be a 50 first dates situation going on inwhich they get stuck in a loop where MC constantly meets and falls in love with Muriel only to forget him in a couple of (magic realm)days.

idk man this aint my job im just spitballing here, im writing this long ass thing so ill look like im working

[blitzturtles]

Title: It Goes Like This (It Starts Like This Universe)

Rating: Teen and Up

Fandom: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo

Pairing(s): BruAbba

Summary: Abbacchio isn’t a morning person. Never has been. He prefers the comfort that comes with a blanket of darkness to the bright hours of the early morning. There’s less eyes. Less people. Less performance. Unfortunately, he’s gone and fallen in love with a man that believes that the day begins before the sun has even broken the horizon.

Notes: This is for the first place to my 300 Follower Giveaway! @bucciaratisfishmarket requested BruAbba set in my It Starts Like This verse with some disabled slice of life/morning routine. Ngl, I was super excited to get to do something in this verse, so thank you!

Thank you to everyone that followed and participated, and a special thanks to @bucciaratisfishmarket! I hope you like your fic!

Additional Notes: Also, the pill organizer described in the fic can be found on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1022344896/boneyard-real-bones-weekly-7-day-pill It's cool and beautiful, and I probably don't do it justice. Definitely go check it out!

-

Abbacchio isn’t a morning person. Never has been. He prefers the comfort that comes with a blanket of darkness to the bright hours of the early morning. There’s less eyes. Less people. Less performance. Unfortunately, he’s gone and fallen in love with a man that believes that the day begins before the sun has even broken the horizon. It’s leftover from Bruno’s days helping his father with the boat, and, later, his days running Polpo’s errands. Chasing people down for money and answers. What comfort Abbacchio can find in the night, Bruno can find just fine in the light hours of the morning.

Fortunately for both of them, Abbacchio is more than capable of running on a schedule, of waking up at the same time everyday and forcing his mind and body into cooperation. He did it for years for school and then the academy. It’s nothing he isn’t used to, and he’s happiest when Bruno is happy, no matter what that entails, which is how he finds himself waking up to Bruno’s second alarm before the man can snooze it again.

The thing about Bruno’s new medication—a pill large in size and equally ridiculous in the length of its name—is that it makes it damn near impossible for him to get going in the morning the way he used to. Before, Bruno practically operated on his own internal clock. Waking up before his alarm had even gone off and fetching them both their first cup of caffeine; it used to be the thing that made greeting the day a bit more tolerable.

Now, Bruno snoozes. Alarm after alarm, until they run out. He’s tried music, absurd volumes, and even relocating the damned clock halfway across the room. None of it helps, so Leone compensates. He wakes up around the second or third alarm, turns the rest off, and kisses Bruno’s cheek before he rolls out of bed.

Sometimes there’s a quiet plea, “five more minutes”, that endears Abbacchio so completely that his mood settles, not nearly as bitchy as he could be upon reaching the kitchen and finding someone else already there.

“Why are you awake?” Okay, so. Still bitchy. But he doesn’t sneer his words quite as bad.

Narancia, for his part, looks completely startled by the prospect of someone else existing at such an ungodly hour, but he manages to avoid outright screaming. That’s a plus. Abbacchio isn’t sure his head could take it this early. “What are you doing?”

“I asked first.”

Narancia narrows his eyes, but he caves within seconds. “I got a test in like two hours, and Fugo’s gonna kill me if I don’t pass.”

Abbacchio snorts at the idea, “Yeah, he will.”

“Not helping!”

“Never said I planned to,” Abbacchio points out as he starts rummaging through the cabinets for two mugs. He sets them on the counter and gets to work brewing their coffee. Decaf these days, for Bruno’s sake. Abbacchio could keep drinking his usual, but he takes solace in the bitter taste of his coffee instead. It seems kinder that way, especially when he knows how much Bruno’s been struggling without caffeine.

“Why are you awake?”

“I’m always awake this early,” next is breakfast, which is easier said than done. It’s rare that Abbacchio wakes up with a stomach for anything. Too many years of skipping breakfast in favor of a bottle did a number on him, but it’s not optional anymore. Neither one of them will be able to keep their meds down without something to eat, so he picks through the refrigerator until he comes up with fruit and yogurt as his best solution.

“Really?” Narancia asks, wrinkling his nose, “Why?”

“Ask Bruno,” Abbacchio says, dismissive. He’s really not in the mood to talk to people that aren’t currently snoozing in his bed.

“You’re not much fun in the morning.”

“Am I ever?”

“Touché.”

Abbacchio snorts. He should be offended, but he knows the kid is being a smartass. It’s his own fault for setting himself up. “Why don’t you go bother Fugo? I’m sure he’ll be happy to help you study.”

“Have you ever tried waking Fugo up?”

“No, can’t say that I have.” That’s always been Bruno’s job, assuming that Fugo hadn’t already woken up on his own.

“It’s too early to get stabbed.”

“Touché.”

They go back and forth for a while longer. At least until Abbacchio’s patience runs out, and he’s finished putting breakfast together. He dismisses himself with little warning and doesn’t feel the least bit guilty when the kid looks a little startled by the abruptness of his departure. He has things to get done for the day, and those things don’t necessarily include being part of Narancia’s obvious effort to procrastinate.

“Bruno,” Abbacchio calls when he steps back into their room after Moody opens the door for him. “Your five minutes are up.”

“Five more?” Bruno asks, voice muffled. His head is barely visible with only a tuft of hair sticking out from a pile of blankets. It’s cute, and Abbacchio is a complete sucker for giving in.

“Last one, tesoro,” Abbacchio warns as he sets Bruno’s cup and food down on the bedside table.

There’s a muffled reply that might be a quiet thanks, though it’s almost impossible to tell with the way Bruno pulls the blankets even tighter around himself.

Abbacchio rummages through the drawer of his nightstand until he finds what he’s looking for before taking up a spot at the end of the bed with his food and drink in hand. He sips at the decaf slowly, wrinkling his nose at the first taste. God, he misses caffeine. As expected, he doesn’t feel much better about his first bite of homemade parfait (and he can almost hear Polnareff’s protest at his calling it that). The rest goes down about the same, but the motion is mechanical at that point. One bite after the other with the occasional sip from his mug to wash it all down until everything is gone.

Abbacchio sets the dishes on the floor and reaches for the pill organizer sitting on the bed beside him. He absently runs his fingers over the lid, where small bones have been set in resin. He can still remember the first time he saw it. The black shine had caught his eye first, but, on closer examination, the thing that had convinced him to buy the organizer had been the mouse bones, delicately placed and striking against the background.

What he hadn’t realized then is that the little organizer would a significant adjustment to his daily routine. Having a week’s worth of medication in one place, already sectioned in dosed amounts, had significantly increased his medication compliance. Oddly enough, it’s had a rather hefty impact on his overall mental health. Now, when anti-inflammatories and bronchodilators and steroids are part of his daily regiment as much as his SSRI’s, it’s even more vital for him to consistently get his meds in. Otherwise, the consequences tend to be pneumonia and an unwanted hospital trip with a round of antibiotics and even stronger steroids. And that’s to say nothing of what happens when he’s running low on serotonin.

He’s caught up in his own thoughts when Bruno hooks his chin over his shoulder and peers down at the little organizer.

“I never did ask you if those are real,” Bruno muses quietly.

“I thought you were taking five more.”

“‘m awake,” Bruno answers, clearly half-asleep.

Abbacchio huffs a soft, amused laugh. He turns his head to press a kiss to the side of Bruno’s nose. “Sure you are, amore.”

“I am.”

“M’hm,” Abbacchio smiles, reflecting the expression on Bruno’s face, though his is notably less sleep-depressed. Bruno looks a lot like a light gust of wind might knock him out, and it’s so damn endearing that Abbacchio can barely handle it. Instead, he looks back down at the pill organizer and answers Bruno’s earlier question, “They are. Real, I mean.”

“They’re lovely,” Bruno says, and he means it. Odd as some might find Abbacchio’s taste, Bruno has always found beauty in it. “Perhaps I should get one.”

“Might be a good idea.” It would be easier to see if Bruno ever missed a dose, and it would certainly be easier to avoid that disaster all together. “There are other options. You could go with something—oceanic, maybe?”

Bruno hums at the thought. “I think I’d like that.”

“I’ll keep an eye out,” by which Abbacchio means that he’ll actively go looking for one. Anything to make Bruno’s life a touch easier.

“Oh, you brought breakfast,” Bruno says, moving away from Abbacchio to peer curiously at the morning’s offerings. “You’re entirely too kind.”

Abbacchio huffs a laugh at that, “For all that you’ve done for us? Hardly.” He pops open the side hatch of his organizer and dumps the day’s pills into his hand. Abbacchio pulls a face at the number of them and looks down at his mug. Right, he had meant to save a sip.

“Here,” Bruno offers his own with a smile. “We’ll get more in a bit.”

“If you’re sure...” Abbacchio could always go get his own, but he has a feeling that doing so will result in more small talk, and he’s not quite up for that yet.

“I am,” Bruno reassures him before taking up the bowl of yogurt and fruit in absence of his coffee. “Just leave enough for me to take mine.”

[depressedacadamia]

Fight Me Part 2

Summary: Nico prepares for his date but it seems someone has forgotten.

Warnings?: Nothing much. A bit of kissing. Some fluff.

A/N: FJLKJLHGK, I completely forgot that i wrote this and that i was gonna write a part 2. Anyway, my exams are next week and i haven't revised so wish me luck. Little tribute for @thebigqueer and their old blog description of ‘people make fun of me because I’m short but I can reach their knees’ because lateron, Nico embodies that. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy! <3 from me!

Read Part 1 on tumblr       Read parts 1 and 2 on A03

It was 7:30

Will was late.

“Hello?” Nico turned around. “Anybody here?”

The sun was going to set in around an hour and half and somehow, the sky was already getting darker. Nico could feel the sun's rays getting weaker and the warmth slowly draining away.

He had a small bag clutched in his hand with a collection of his favourite mythomagic cards and a couple of sandwiches and some bottles of juice. It certainly wasn’t a banquet but at least it was something and Nico had assumed that Will would have had a tiring day after working in the infirmary during a day of capture the flag ( The Ares kids were always involved).

He lifted his wristwatch to his line of view to glance at the time, noticing that the time was moving annoyingly fast. If it continued like this, it would be sunset and Nico would have officially been stood up. He could feel his chest prickling in anxiety from the idea- that all along it was a sick joke, made only so everyone could make fun of him.

“Hello? Anybody?” It was almost eight and Nico was getting agitated. Sure it was normal to be a bit late, even if it was a date that Will had asked him on but 45 minutes? 45 minutes late to a date? Nico was finally so sick of pacing behind his cabin like a loser, he worked up the nerve to march over to the infirmary to give Will a piece of his mind.

As Nico entered what he believed to be the infirmary, he questioned if he was in the right place. Then it hit him. The infirmary was so crowded, Nico couldn’t even recognise it. It was full of campers, from many different cabins, all covered in injuries and blood. This room, to surgeons, was like candy but with blood, which as Christina Yang had said- was way better,

That was only, of course, if you weren’t meant to be on a date with your cute ex-patient.

To Will, the sudden influx of patients infuriated him. He was meant to be having the best date of his life with Nico but instead, he ws here treating all these stupid injured buffalos who were too incompetent to prevent themselves from being injured.

“Next time, if an Ares kid threatens to break your leg, you should take them more seriously,” Will sighed as he finished the cast on the Athena camper’s leg. Weren’t these ones meant to be smart, Will thought.

His eyes searched across the infirmary, for the next most urgent patient; as head of the Apollo cabin, he was in charge of the infirmary which at first had sounded great. Now, he realised, it was not.

He was about to assist on setting a broken arm but he saw another healer get there first and simultaneously, he saw a very recognisable set of onyx eyes that came with a stunning appearance.

Nico was wearing black skinny ripped jeans with a chain hanging by the waist of it. His stygian iron sword that never left his side was being held to his waist with a skull strap and Nico’s eyeliner was absolutely perfect. Winged and angelic, his eyes were standing out like never before. Nico had been a bit nervous about wearing eyeliner outside of his cabin, but after much persuasion from Hazel, Jason and Percy, he had agreed to wear it.

Will thought he felt his mouth drop. But then, he felt his heart drop. Why was Nico in the infirmary? Was he involved in the fight? Was he hurt? Will rushed over to Nico, pushing through the injured masses, ignoring their shouts and snaps of discomfort. He waded through them like thick oceans of blood until he managed to spot Nico’s hand, decorated with expensive looking rings.

“Nico,” Will gasped, his eyes running up and down, scanning his body for injuries. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

Nico’s winged eyes squinted. “ What am I doing here? Did you forget?”

Will’s mouth opened and then closed again, his brain clearly racking for what he had forgotten.

“Our date. You were meant to meet me an hour ago,” He mumbled, raising his wrist to his face, checking the time once again.

Will’s face dropped, his expression ghostly. “ No! No, no, I can’t have forgotten- it wasn’t today. I could have sworn it wasn’t today.” He turned to Nico. “ It wasn’t today, right?”

“It was today.”

“Fuck.”

“That’s a good response, at least,” Nico murmured, kicking his boots at the bloodied tile floor.

“I'm so sorry. I got hoarded with patients, like hoarded. The Ares kids had some new weapons made today and the Hephaestus kids thought it would be fun to mess with them. Somehow the Athena kids got involved and I think there are some Dionysus kids who got involved just for the drama.” Will grabbed Nico's hands, squeezing them with such intensity, Nico feared they might break.

When Nico looked at Will’s face at that moment, he knew he was going to say ‘yes’ to whatever was about to be asked of him. Whether Will just wanted some gum or if he wanted to burn the entire world; there was something alluring in those eyes that Nico could simply never deny. “Nico, fuck, please give me another chance. I know I shouldn't have stood you up like that and I really wasn't planning to. It’s just, we got so many patients all at once that it completely slipped from my mind and-”

“-I’m not mad. A bit annoyed, yes, but I get it. You have people to fix. Go do your job.” Nico paused for a moment. “But one thing. Next time you almost stand me up, a note or a messenger would have been nice.”

Will frowned. “I thought I sent a note?”

Nico paused again. Did he send a note? Nico’s memory racked- did anybody come to give him a note? He couldn’t distinctly remember it.

The only thing he remembered was someone running to his cabin, panting and him slipping himself into the shadows, avoiding whichever body had come wandering into his domain- he had not been in the mood to interact with anybody other than Will (Or maybe Hazel or Annabeth because they always knew what to say and when to say it).

Woops.

“Oh, That note you mean. I might have hidden from the messenger in the shadows…” Nico trailed off, looking everywhere but Will. Expecting a loud scoff or perhaps a jeer, Nico could feel his hands clenching up, ready to get him out of this situation. But when he heard a little giggle and saw Will giving him a genuine little smile and holding out his hand, he couldn’t help but be surprised.

“I know that I’m currently meant to be working but I guess taking a little break couldn’t hurt. Besides, I haven't eaten a proper meal all day and those sandwiches look delicious.”

Nico happily let Will lead him to the room reserved for the staff who were in this case, just the Apollo kids. But then he stopped.

“You haven't eaten all day? Will, what the hell? You were nagging me the entire of my stay here to eat and you don't even do it yourself?”

“I do eat, it’s just sometimes, I forget to because everybody is being stupid and trying to fight their healers,” Will huffed as he grabbed a sandwhich and stuffed a bite into his mouth.

“What idiot tries to fight their healers?” Nico asked as he took a sip of juice. They were sitting in the corner of the ‘staff room’ which in reality was just the back room. It just had 2 bare beds for quick resting and back up medical supplies. There was a bare sink and a couple of cupboards which were most likely empty. The freezer however, had several pints of ice cream.

“Oh who tries to fight their healer? Must I remind you of your behaviour every time you're in this infirmary?”

Will opened a pack of chips that he had managed to snag from one of the other healers; he doubted they’d notice. Well, he hoped they wouldn't notice.

“I can’t be that bad.” Nico batted his hand in the air, his hand reaching over to Will’s pack of chips and stealing one. Will smacked his hand and gasped, showing his mock offence.

“Oi! Those are mine!”

“Says who?” Nico argued. “ I happen to know you stole them!”

“Yeah but finders keepers!”

“I will fight you for those chips,” Nico snarled. Will, smiling wickedly, held his front; not in the least intimidated by Nico's violent demeanor.

“Perfect, now we finally fight. After all, I did tell you that I’d fight you later when you were recovering.”

“I’ll turn you into ashes.”

“Nu uh, I don’t think so. Remember I have regeneration,” Will boasted. They were both now standing, their food abandoned on the table.

“If I remember correctly.” Nico moved forward for the attack, “You told me you wouldn’t fight me because you knew I would win.”

Will gave a smirk. “You were ill. I couldn't tell you the truth.”

Nico squinted his eyes and waited for Will’s punch. He didn’t expect for Will to be waiting for his; Oh right, Will always fights defensive

But then he realised that this could be used to his own advantage. He went in for an attack, his leg going round to kick the back of Will’s knees, making him buckle to the floor. Nico was aiming to disable him from moving, not hurt him.

I may be short, but that just means I can reach your knees.

Will let out a rueful laugh, the game was on. Just as when Nico went to grab Will's arm, Will used his other arm to grab Nico and used all his strength and Nico’s momentum to flip Nico onto his back so that when Nico looked up, He saw Will's smiling face.

Nico rolled away, quickly forcing his way up. They both stood facing each other, none of them throwing a punch or a kick. They were dancing around each other, around their feelings. Nico ran into Will and used every force in his favour to force Will to fall onto the bare bed behind him. They landed safely with an oomph and immediately Nico got to work in immobilising him.

Nico quickly straddled Will, trying to grab his arms but Will, while not the fastest, was relatively strong. He managed to grab Nico’s arm, stopping him from being trapped. He then used all the strength he could summon from his abdominal muscles and managed to flip Nico so that it was him holding both of Nico’s arms above his head, effectively pinning him to the bed.

Nico struggled but Will was too strong. He had tried to flip Will back onto his back but it was too hard so he settled for trying to wrestle his wrists out of the blond boy's grasp. They were panting and their faces were close enough that they could feel each other's warm breath on each other's face.

Nico felt his eyes being drawn to Will’s lips and then his ocean blue, like eyes. It was a magnet being drawn across Will's face and Nico had no choice but to follow it everywhere. From the perfect slant of his cupid’s bow at his lips and the fullness of his lips to the half lidded eyelids that covered his deep eyes. The eyes that we're currently analysing Nico’s face, in the same way he was doing to Will’s, right this moment.

Will felt Nico’s wrists stop resisting as much in his grasp as his eyes slowly drifted to his own. Their eyes locked. Ocean Blue met Onyx. The sea had met the depths of the earth and it was only the roaring sound of their own blood being pumped ferociously by their hearts that acted as the soundscape of the ocean as Will lowered his lips to meet Nico’s in the most tentative of kisses.

Their lips brushed gently, as a taster and then, Nico slipped one of his supposedly trapped wrists out of Will’s hands and slid it around Will’s neck, pulling him to deepen the kiss. Will’s face felt heated as he moved his hands from above Nico’s head to cup his face; he could feel the heat radiating from it.

They broke apart- only for a second- but alas, even that felt like too much. Their lips found each other again, even in the darkness of the room, due to sunset and yet they were only in the dark for a matter of seconds. Nico, despite having his eyes closed, could feel the soft glow of Will’s skin.

“Hey Will, Where did ya g-” The startled young healer was stunned before cringing immediately at their older brother.

“-Oh god, Will, My eyes! My eyes have been scarred, dear, good gracious Gods, Help me!”

Nico’s hands flew to Will’s chest, pushing him off while Will himself made an attempt to scramble off Nico. They keyword there being attempt, because the next thing he knew, Will had stumbled and managed to trip Nico into falling face first into Will’s chest, straddling him and thus making their situation so much worse.

“What do you want?” Will groaned at his younger sibling, as Nico climbed off him, slowly burying his face in his hands out of embarrassment.

“You have another patient to fix.” The kid was now holding his hands over his eyes- something that deeply irritated Nico.

“Oh calm down, it’s not like we were doing anythi-”

“-Nico!” Will cried. “ Go out and find someone to cover for me. Tell Kayla she’s in charge; I’m off for the night,” Will declared as he grabbed Nico’s hand, kicked open the back door and fled into the early night with Nico, hand in hand.

[thegreenwolf]

(This post was originally posted on my blog at https://thegreenwolf.com/its-okay-to-not-hustle/)

There’s this meme going around Facebook right now, saying “If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a new skill, your side hustle started, or more knowledge, you never lacked time. You lacked discipline.” Thankfully multiple people have already skewered it, but it continues to be shared around by the sort of person who is trying to one-up everyone else, or who’s just plain clueless–or, for that matter, just trying to guilt you into buying whatever they’re selling.

Now, there’s not a damned thing wrong with self-promotion. That’s how indie artists, authors, and other self-employed folks get the word out. You have to be able to talk good talk in order to get people’s attention. But leading with this meme? Guilting people for not leaping from sudden unemployment straight into the thick of the ever-shifting gig economy? That ain’t gonna fly, Brocephus.

You Have Good Reasons to Slack

Excuse me while I dust off my counseling psych degree a sec, here. *ahem* We are in a very sensitive, turbulent time right now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a century in the Western world. We are in a hugely traumatizing situation here. Not just for the financial losses, but the fact that COVID-19 has killed thousands of people and left many more with permanent lung damage. We still haven’t gotten a handle yet on exactly how contagious this thing is, how long you’re contagious for, or whether you’re immune once you’ve had it, assuming you survive. We don’t have adequate testing, emergency rooms estimate that for every positive test there are 10-20 people out there infected and untested, and everyone with a cough is suddenly Schroedinger’s COVID case. Governments worldwide are slow to react in spite of the rising death toll. People have had friends and family die horribly from this thing in a short period of time. Even people who didn’t already have issues with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are feeling stressed, strained and scared–and, yes, traumatized. This image is guilt-tripping people who are actively being traumatized.

So we’re already starting with a populace that is dealing with this collective trauma, as well as whatever personal trauma each individual is experiencing. Not always easy to seize the day when you’re going through that. And I can think of a few other reasons that might further complicate this whole “Just get a side gig!” thing:

–They’re a parent who suddenly has all their kids at home, all the time, demanding time and attention and food, AND they still have to work eight hours a day from home, or maybe even more if their S.O. is unemployed/sick/etc. By the way, if someone trots out Isaac Newton or William Shakespeare or some other historical guy who managed to do epic things during a pandemic, remember that they usually had wives or servants to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning and (if applicable) childcare for them.

–They’re disabled or chronically ill, and don’t have the ability/energy/etc. to just go and make something happen, just like that. Imagine if you just randomly got the fatigue from a really bad flu, and you never knew whether it was going to last a day or a month. And if you tried exerting yourself when you were feeling better, chances are you’d slip back into fatigue-land. That’s what a lot of my chronically ill/etc. friends have to deal with, to say nothing of issues with accessibility of resources for starting a side gig.

–They don’t have any money for the supplies needed to start a side hustle, or the supplies have been hoarded by hobbyists preparing for a Pandemic Staycation.

–They don’t have the skills for something that just requires what they already have (like, for example, writing on a laptop you already happen to own). Often these skills are things that can’t be perfected in a few weeks at home, but may take years to develop before they’re really marketable–like, for example, the skill to make a decent living on side hustles.

–They have anxiety, depression or other mental health conditions that make it hard to function even in the best of times, but even moreso in this…well…mess. Even people who were mentally healthy before are going to be developing diagnosable anxiety and depression disorders before all’s said and done. And speaking from personal experience, those of us who look successful on the outside can still be internally hamstrung by these conditions at times.

–Plus there’s the fact that we’re not supposed to, you know, leave our homes, which narrows down the field of potential side gigs by a lot.

Even doing something less financially-wrought like learning a new skill or subject takes time, energy, and sometimes money, any or all of which may be scarce for the reasons above and more.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I am saying all of this as someone who is arguably an expert on the side gig. I have spent the past eight and a half years 100% self-employed (and a lot longer doing it part-time) as an author and artist, able to cover all my bills and expenses, and for a time I was the primary breadwinner of a multi-person household. I have like ten different things I was doing for a living before this all hit, a pretty diverse set of streams of income, even if most of them just up and evaporated in the past few weeks. And while I’m definitely a hell of a lot leaner now than I was a month ago, I still have my head above water for the moment. So I think I know side gigs.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m overall healthy. I have a dog who is a lot less demanding of my time than kids would be. I have my own space where I can focus more or less without interruption. More importantly, I have the skills, the knowhow, the drive and the personality to go out and seek new opportunities. And I’m used to fluctuations in income, though admittedly this one’s unprecedented. Don’t gauge yourself by where I am now. I’ve spent twenty-two years building up my art business, my first book came out in 2006, and I’ve had a series of really good opportunities come my way that I had the privilege to be able to make the most of. I am not your measuring stick, so don’t say “Well, if she can do it why can’t I? I must suck!”

If you’re feeling crappy because you aren’t hopping to it and carpeing the diem and getting everything done, here’s what I have to say to you: Look, you just had your world turned upside-down. Job loss, scarce commodities, sudden lack of outside childcare, restricted movement and inability to be around much of your support system, and did I mention a pandemic is happening, too? Any single one of those things would be difficult for just about anyone to deal with, never mind all at once. And I don’t even know what all else has already been going on in your life–unstable or unsafe living situation, other health issues, breakups and other losses, interpersonal conflicts. You know, normal life stuff.

You’re Not Lazy, or Screwing Up, or (Gods Forbid) Undisciplined

It is totally okay if all you’re doing right now is surviving. It’s okay if you feel like you’re drowning, overwhelmed by all that’s happening both on a global level and more personally. It’s okay if all you can manage right now is to get out of bed and stumble through each day a moment at a time, struggling with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s okay if you’re just trying to keep your kids busy, dealing with a crowded home every single day, or trying to keep COVID-19 at bay. It’s okay if, instead of firing up DuoLingo or opening an Etsy shop, you spend your evenings vegging to Netflix or reading a book or playing hours and hours of Animal Crossing.

Not every moment in your life has to be about being productive even in the best of circumstances, and that goes exponentially so right now. Be patient with yourself, and be kind. You may be one of those folks who literally has to spend all their time scrabbling to try to cover the bills or get some leeway from bill collectors, and you have to dedicate your waking time hunting for resources just to try to get through this week. Believe me, I feel for you, I have a lot of friends in that situation right now, and I hope all of you can find some relief and assistance.

May I suggest something? If you have the energy for something more than the bare essentials of getting by, put that energy toward self-care, whatever you can manage under the circumstances. You can use it to recuperate, to rebuild your emotional and physical resilience. That way if things get rough again in the future, you have more internal reserves to build on. If your usual methods don’t work or aren’t accessible due to lockdown, ask others what they’re doing to keep themselves grounded in this trying time.

Just because you have more time doesn’t mean you don’t have to throw yourself right into something productive! Don’t feel pressured to just go-go-go the moment you have a little freedom to move. If you do decide you want to try a side gig, or a new skill, or learn all about some specialized topic of interest, go for it! If you have the energy and attention and opportunity to pursue something new, it can be a great coping skill during this traumatic time. Just don’t pressure yourself; keep it fun.

One last thing: I want you to save the image I have at the top of this post. And then if you see someone post that meme, saying “Come on, you lazy bums, get up and make that side gig happen! Learn new stuff! Do all the things! No excuses!” you pull out this version, and you look at the edits, you remember that it’s okay to be where you are, and you get back to doing things at your own pace no matter what someone else says. (I find visualizing stapling a printout of the edited version to the offender’s forehead to also be therapeutic, but that may just be me.)

Hang in there, okay? It’s going to be a rough time, but you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling right now is shared by so many people. So just let yourself be where you are in this moment, and we’ll see what hope tomorrow brings. And remember that whatever you’re capable of in this moment: it’s enough.

Did you enjoy this post? Please consider supporting my work on Patreon, buying my books here on my website, buying my art and books on Etsy, or tipping me at Ko-fi!

[that-soft-earth]

JonMartin Post-Canon Fic pt 1 (The Magnus Archives)

SPOILERS for MAG200/end of series Contents: JonMartin, tooth-rotting fluff, hurt/comfort, so much hurt/comfort, brain injury, hospital scene, kissing, disabled Jon

This is a very messy WIP and I’m not going to take the time to do proper research so don’t assume any of the real-world details are accurate. Depictions of disability based on my experience & those of close friends. A later part of this fic can be found here.

Martin sat by Jon’s bedside, mesmerised by the rise and fall of his chest. Now a hospital gown covered that horrible wound that Martin had seen after going through the gateway, somehow miraculously stretched across by angry pink scar tissue, fibrous and almost web-like… though that didn’t bear thinking about. Martin reached to take Jon’s hand, but stopped, shivering at the memory of another time he had sat by Jon’s bedside. But it wasn’t like that now. Jon was breathing, his heart beating normally, the doctors said. When Martin took his hand and squeezed, he sometimes squeezed back. Sometimes pulled it away, which Martin tried not to take personally. Sometimes murmured things that didn’t sound like parts of statements, didn’t sound like anything much at all. “Martin?” Jon croaked. “I’m here,” Martin said, springing to his feet. Jon was staring straight ahead with a panicked expression. “Where – I can’t -” “Right here, I’m right here,” said Martin, reaching for Jon’s hand. Jon flinched and raised his hand weakly as if to defend himself. “It’s me, Jon, you... recognise me, right?” Martin said, his voice cracking. “Yes, your voice, it’s just, everything looks…. Everything looks…. It’s not…” An edge of panic was creeping into Jon’s voice. “Try closing your eyes, maybe,” said Martin. “Oh, that’s better, it’s almost… Almost…” Jon lapsed back into unconsciousness. “Jon? Oh… alright, that’s, that’s progress, I suppose,” Martin said with a shaky laugh. But would there be more progress, he wondered? Judging by when they left Salesa’s, Jon could barely function without the Eye. Martin thought about a life of nursing a half-conscious Jon, and dread settled in his stomach, immediately chased by guilt. He had gotten what he wanted – Jon, alive, with him, and out of danger. And if he had to devote the rest of his life to caring for as much of him as had made it through, that was what he would do – the fierce, burning devotion within him never wavering. Was he selfish to want more? Would Jon have wanted this? To live trapped on the edge of consciousness? A lump formed in Martin’s throat at the thought of losing Jon again. A soft knock at the door interrupted his racing thoughts.

------ “I must say the scans are not exactly like anything I’ve seen before, and it’s hard to say without knowing more about what happened, but the symptoms are consistent with an acquired brain injury. That’s an injury that happens to the brain without an obvious knock on the head, maybe from oxygen deprivation, internal damage, several things. An explosion, you said?” the doctor looked at Martin quizzically. “Well… yes. It’s… yes.” “And you’re still not going to tell me anything else about it? What caused the explosion, what might have caused the brain injury?” “No… sorry.” “Well, the good news is there doesn’t appear to be internal bleeding, but there do seem to be some parts that are just…. Missing,” she said, frowning. “Mostly in the visual cortex, which would explain why he couldn’t see you, even though his eyes are fine. But there’s damage across the whole brain.” “Ok. Ok,” said Martin, struggling to keep his breathing even. “So, will he get… better?” The doctor took a deep breath. “Ok, so. Brain injuries can be complicated,” she said gently. “The brain can be amazing at adapting and reconfiguring itself. I would expect to see some improvement over the short term, and have him awake and up and about. But it’s impossible to say in the long term what the effects will be. The most likely outcome is that there will be some permanent effects, and some that will lessen with time and therapy.” “Alright,” said Martin, letting out a long, shaky breath, “I can do this. We can do this.” ----- Having discovered that his bank card wasn’t working, their names didn’t show up in any medical databases, and his phone hadn’t had reception since they arrived, Martin surmised that this London, though familiar, was probably not their London. They had taken cash with them to the safe house, and Martin had divided it into their wallets before leaving, just in case. He hadn’t thought of it once during their journey, but thankfully they had both still had their wallets on them out of habit when they went through the gateway, more due to forgetting they were there than actually choosing to bring them. There was enough to secure a motel room and food for a couple of weeks. As they left the hospital for the motel Martin still asked the taxi driver to try Georgie’s address in the satellite navigator. “I don’t use that thing,” the driver said gruffly. “Humour me? Please.” “Alright,” he said. Address not found. Stomach sinking, Martin relayed his own address, where he had lived for years. Address not found.  “There’s not even a Queen Street in that borough,” said the taxi driver. “Are you sure? Comes off Northern Road, after Smith Street, before Church Street,” he said. “Northern Road, yes. No Church Street, no Queen Street. Trust me, mate. I’ve been driving London since before you could read,” the driver said irritably. “Oh, er, sorry, I must have gotten mixed up. Haven’t been to London in a while…” he said with a nervous laugh. “And, er... The Magnus Institute?” he said, barely able to squeak out the words. Jon, leaning against him, stiffened but stayed silent. “Never heard of it,” the driver snapped. “Probably in Edinburgh or something. Now where can I take you? In London.” “Oh! Right. Sorry. At the hospital they recommended a motel...” ----- The next week in the motel room Martin remembered little of, just a haze of worries and plans about what he was going to do, how they were going to live without records or friends or family, punctuated by hopeful periods of Jon’s lucidity. He sometimes spoke clearly, and seemed to know where they were. Other times he woke disoriented, trying to see – or trying to See, maybe, it was hard to tell. Each day he slept a little less, and spent more time simply sitting upright, staring straight ahead with unfocused eyes, responding hazily to Martin’s questions. Martin had to coax and gently bully him into eating, showering, getting changed. He had bought a prepaid phone on one of his shopping trips, quickly stealing away while he thought Jon would stay asleep. In between trying to get food into Jon, and then himself, he looked for a job, realising they would need a place to live, furniture, and trying not to panic about it all, trying not to let himself spiral into thoughts about what they had escaped. Who they had left behind. “Martin? Where are you? What - where am I?” Jon’s voice barked from the bed. “I’m right here, Jon. Close your eyes, listen to my voice, I’m right here,” Martin snapped grumpily, by now used to the routine. “Martin… I’m sorry…” Jon’s voice was uncharacteristically small, hurt and confused. “Oh, no, Jon, no, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-” he strode to the bed and took Jon in his arms, freezing guilt flooding through him. “I wasn’t thinking, I’m so sorry,” he said miserably. “No, no, it’s fine,” Jon murmured, his eyes still shut tight but now fully aware. Jon slid his hands up Martin’s upper arms, around his back, feeling the tension in his body. “What’s wrong, Martin?” he asked. “Nothing, really, it’s just… ever since you, since we got here, it’s been… a lot. It’s been so much,” said Martin, his voice wavering. “And it shouldn’t be, without the, the monsters, and the hell domains and saving the world and everything, it should be easy, just normal life, but somehow it’s just… too much for me,” said Martin, tears welling up in his eyes.  He swiped at them angrily. “I know you can’t understand all this right now. I shouldn’t be bothering you with it.” “Oh, hey, no,” said Jon, pulling Martin towards him, “I understand what it’s like with, ah, a lot in your… in your…” he reached up and touched the back of Martin’s head, tenderly. “In here.” That gentle touch was enough to pull the held-back sobs out of Martin. He hid his face in Jon’s shoulder and gave in to the sobs wracking his body, as Jon rubbed his hand slowly down Martin’s back, soothing him quietly, patiently. “I’m here, Martin. I’m here.” The wave of despair subsided at last, settling into a more manageable trepidation. Martin drew back, sniffling. Jon leaned forward, and planted a kiss beside Martin’s mouth. Martin realised with a pang of longing that they hadn’t kissed, properly kissed, since… well… He didn’t want to think about that. He longed to press his lips to Jon’s, kiss him hungrily, forcefully, but he could feel the weakness in Jon’s body, the effort it took to even sit upright. “You lie down. Get some rest,” said Martin, his lips aching. “You too. Rest,” said Jon, trying to sound firm. ----- The second week, in some ways, was even harder, though full of small miracles. Their money was not going to stretch to a third week, Martin knew. Somehow he stumbled into the job in the community centre, for which he was not especially qualified, and who didn’t miss a beat when he claimed to be “between leases”, and even gave him leads on finding a flat nearby. It did mean he had to leave Jon alone during the day, and although he was now alert most of the time, Martin worried what would happen if Jon woke up alone. “I suppose I could, er, leave a note for you?” Martin wondered aloud. “I don’t know if I could… you know… see it well enough to…” Jon trailed off. “Oh, right, of course, silly me,” fretted Martin. “I’ll be fine, Martin. Go out and be the breadwinner,” Jon said with a sardonic smile. Jon was still asleep when Martin was ready to leave the next morning. He thought about waking him, but decided against it. He grabbed one of his jumpers from the pile of unwashed laundry accumulating beside the bed, balled it up and pushed it into Jon’s arms. Jon pulled it towards himself without waking. -------- On their last night in the motel, Martin bustled around, tidying and checking every crevice, although they had few belongings to worry about. The flat they were moving into was a sad and dingy little thing, but Martin’s heart was buoyed by thought of it. “Martin – when you have a moment, could you come here?” Jon said from the bed. “Yes, love?” Martin sat down beside him. Jon, eyes open but unfocused, reached out gingerly to Martin’s face, finding his cheek and cupping it. Jon slid his thumb to the corner of Martin’s mouth, and purposefully closed the distance between them, kissing Martin’s lips unreservedly. A tingling warmth swept through Martin’s body, and he let out a long “Hmmm” of relief as he settled into the kiss, feeling for a moment completely at Jon’s mercy and desiring nothing else. When they parted, Jon’s hand was still on Martin’s cheek. “I didn’t want to miss your mouth this time,” Jon said breathlessly.