#i ate half the jar in one sitting i cant be stopped its too good

[laisai]

I had peanut butter for the first time in years and I'm obsessed so poll:

[claggorstuff]

The most unbreakable of spells... part one. ★

Arcane x reader

As i walked around the train looking for a spot to sit, i noticed him.. his burly frame and brown fluffy hair, his encapturing brown eyes and defined cheekbones, it was only a glance but it was breathtaking... so much so i literally choked on a piece of my lolly and fell over

"Woah! You okay cutie?" I turned to see his disastrous companion.. spikey haired and green eyed with a much more skeleton-like frame... i scowled, "I'm fine. Thanks for asking.. nice halloween costume what are you a muggle?" Thats when i heard the bigger boys chuckle

"No, hes an idiot is what he is." I giggled and the skinny boy grunted backing off, it was my first year and seemed to be theirs too, there was a quieter short haired tom-boy looking girl... who seemed distracted with what was out the window... "oh uh... my names y/n...! Its my first year what about you guys?" I said sitting down right next to the burly boy, holding a irregularly small owl on his arm

"vi. Mylo. Claggor." The girl gestured to herself and the other two boys in order "in other words moody, AWESOME, and tank." Mylo exclaimed cocking his head to the side and smirking, claggor scoffed "nice to meet ya y/n." he gripped my hand firmly and shook it, I couldnt help but admire his features up close as he awkwardly smiled, breaking the eye contact... wait I was staring like a creep wasnt I.

"So y/n, where ya from?" I paused to think.. "where are you from is the question." He looked at me confused, "uhm.. the undercity."

"London."

"The fancy british place?"

"Thats.. thats england."

"I meant the.. town.."

"London isnt a town."

"What is london?"

"A city."

"With fancy british peo-"

"MYLO!" Claggor had cut him off annoyed, he quickly shut up.. unlike me they didnt seem to have any sort of accent.. most likely north american, but one seemed to have darker tan skin, mylo, so i cant quite assume with him.. and claggor resembled something like a viking.. are they scottish maybe? "You guys aren't from around here.." vi scowled "no. We arent. But thats none of your damn buisness."

"Sorry.. Sorry.." I got my toad out of his little terrarium and smiled patting his head, pulling a cricket from a little jar of potion ingredients, claggor leaned over my shoulder smiling at peter, my toads name, I saw his gentle smile and my heart pounded in my chest.. I yelped when he set his hand on mine trying to pet the toad and he yelped back

"O-Oh uh.. I-I'm sorry was that weird orrr-?"

"No No you just spooked me! Its all good claggor, all good."

"Cool.. Cool.."

"AGGHH!! I SEE IT I SEE THE SCHOOL!" mylo piped up pointing out the window howling, I smiled and half crawled onto claggors leg to see it better, until the train hit a bump knocking me down, mylo laughed like a hyena and claggor helped me up chuckling.. the train soon stopped and we ventured out, I stayed with my newfound friends sitting down at the dining hall as mylo ate like he hadnt seen food in years, claggor picked carefully, he may have been big but he seems to have a very healthy diet.

"ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS! I WELCOME YOU TO HOGWARTS! THE BEST SCHOOL FOR WITCHES AND WIZARDS AROUND!" The old man stood at the front and laughed "Oh im just joking with you all.. soon each of you will be called to be sorted into houses hufflepuff, ravenclaw, gryffindor, or slytherin!" I scowled "sweet mother mary of christ ALL of us?! Thats so impractical cant it be like.. we get sent to our dormatorys right after being called or somethint theres over a hundred students in this school!"

"Tell me about it, vander, our dad said it took him hours to get to the gryffindor dorms.." vi chirped opening up a bit, she didnt seem so bad when she was.. well.. not spitting venom at me.

"Alright everyone pipe down.. first up, Claggor Benant!" I stared as he stood up and walked over sitting down and having the hat placed on his head, Benant.. huh, cute name for a cute- wait what... well hes cute yes but- "hufflepuff!" He smiled and walked back to the table highfiving us all, I looked dazed from my previous thought and he ruffled my hair, soon after his siblings were called vi and mylo, despite mylos bothersome attitude he was placed into gryffindor with his sister, I guess its what he really really wanted, I'd wanna stick to my siblings too if i had any that go here.. I soon got called up

"Hm.. stop with yer racing mind im trying to read you.. eh, ravenclaw."

"RAVENCLAWW!!" The elderly man announced, I sat with the others of my house quite disappointed I couldnt sit with claggor, he waved goodbye as did the rest as we were lead to our dorms, I slumped into bed tired when a boy knocked at my window.. IS HE ON THE LEDGE OF THE FUCKING BUILDING?!

He knocked again, I opened it whisper-shouting in shock

"What are you doing here?!"

"Came to see ya y/n, not too unfarmiliar with scaling buildings."

"WHY WOULD YOU BE FARMILIAR WITH THAT?!"

"...cuz. stuff."

"...youre fucking insane."

He finally climbed in laying down on my bed with a light chuckle "insane in the membrane, insane in the brain." I scoffed "how did you even know-?!" He shrugged "I dunno, windows are pretty see-through to me." I held back a giggle "w-well thats verry verrrry funny."

"I know, its actually hilarious."

"Oh shut your mouth!" I whacked him with my pillow giggling, what is up with this guy? He picked me up with ease as i squealed and thrashed "damn woman what are you a horse?!"

"No but im about to buck your teeth out!"

"No damn way!" He tossed me up and I landed next to him, turning to my side.. I whispered "you're cute... CRAZY! YOU'RE CRAZY!" ...silence... "how long did it take u to process that, seriously."

"A bajillion years, dont take that in a romantic way you..hmph, I wont waste my breathe."

"You already wasted it choking on a Lollipop on a train."

"Oh shut it!" I snorted and he gave me a funky look, dammit! Why do I laugh like that.. I laid on my other side facing opposite to him, "staying the night benant?"

"Nobody calls me claggor benant, not anymore."

"What, you got an emo backstory benant?"

"Cut it out."

"...noted.." dammit I screwed up! He sighed and put an arm around me, making my heart skip several beats "I've never slept alone and the ravenclaw dorms are the closest ones. Hope you dont mind y/n.."

"Not at all. Its all good.." he nuzzled the pillow and I shut my eyes, setting my hand on his embracing his warmth, as my blood bolted to my face with each sleeping movement he made.. I eventually fell asleep nuzzled close to him.

End of part one ★

[thebluenebula]

I don't have a whole pile to say but enjoy.

Masterlist

Day 4

Day 6

The New Bat Day 5

06:46. That's what my phone said when I looked at it. I groaned and sat up. After stretching, I got up and went about my morning routine, then headed down to the kitchen.

I flicked on the light and glanced round the room, empty. Must be too early for anyone to be up. No one would mind if I made a sandwich, I'm sure. After a minute of looking I found the ingredients for a sandwich. I sat down and munched on my sandwich. Not bad. Then again, how can you fuck up a sandwich.

After I was finished, I washed my dishes, plus some more that must have been from the night before. "My goodness!" The voice startled me. I turned around and saw Alfred standing in the door. "It's not too often anyone else around here washes their own dishes, never mind someone elses."

I giggled. "Good morning Alfred.

"Good morning Miss Ashleigh." Alfred said as he threw on an apron. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay, yeah. You?"

"Like a rock Miss Ashleigh. Any plans for the day?"

"No. None." I watched as Alfred took the dishes I had cleaned and began putting them away. "Sorry. I didn't know where everything went."

"That's quite alright."

"Do you have any coffee?" I asked. I was dying for some coffee.

"Yes. Over there's in the cupboard. I'll put on the kettle."

"Thanks." I opened the cupboard and spotted two jars of coffee. I grabbed the nearest one.

"I would recommend putting that back, unless you wish with losing a finger." Alfred stated. "That's Master Timothy's personal jar."

I put it down and grabbed the other jar. "Tim must really like coffee. That looks like a really expensive jar."

"Master Timothy lives on coffee. Sometimes I think it's what runs through his veins."

"Honestly wouldn't surprise me." Dick said as he entered the kitchen.

"Good morning Master Dick. Omelette?"

"No thanks Alfred." Dick walked over And grabbed some sugary looking cereal from the cupboard. "How are you settling in Ashleigh?"

"Good." I took a seat at the table. "Are you usually up this early?"

"I try to be." Dick sat down beside me with a bowl of cereal.

"You go out at night and wake up early in the morning?"

"Yep." Dick replied, taking a spoonful of his cereal.

"So you're both a night owl and an early bird?"

"Yup."

"So when do you sleep?"

"Mornin'." Jay interrupted, arms stretched, and yawning.

"Morning Master Jason. Omelette?"

Jay grunted and nodded before walking over and sitting down across from Dick and I.

"Morning." Dick looked curiously at Jay. "Speaking of early birds. You are not one Jay."

Jay grunted. "Nope."

"So why are you up?" Jay looked up at Dick then gave me a cheeky smirk. Dick looked between me and Jay. "What are you two up to?"

Jay smirked. "Don't worry about it Dick."

Dick looked at him. "I'm extremely concerned."

"Well you can be concerned after breakfast." Alfred said as he set down a plate of omelettes in front of Jay.

"You not eating Ash?" Dick asked.

"I already ate." I looked at Dick. "Ash?"

"Yeah." Dick took another spoonful of his colourful cereal. "Like a nickname. Ashleigh. Ash. I mean I can stop if you want me to."

"No. No. It's okay. It's kinda a cute name."

"Ash." Jay said to himself. "Sounds kinda deadly. Like a name for a pyromaniac."

"Cute and deadly." I smiled.

"That's should be Cass's tagline." Steph said as she walked in.

"Morning Miss Stephanie. Omelette?"

"Sure thing Alfred." Alfred handed Steph a plate as she walked by and sat down beside Jay. "So what is it we're talking about?"

"Ash." Jay said bluntly

"As in the stuff from fire?" Steph asked curiously.

"No, as short for Ashleigh." Dick corrected her.

"Sounds like a pyromaniac."

"Told you." Jay said triumphantly.

"I still think it's cute." I stated.

"And deadly." Jay added.

"Ashleigh doesn't look like she could hurt a fly." Steph commented.

"I could hurt a fly."

"She definitely could hurt a fly." Jay laughed.

Dick looked at him. "I feel like I'm missing something."

"Ditto." Steph looked at Jay.

Jay took out his phone. "What is this?" Dick asked.

"Just watch." Jay replied.

We watched as I lifted a rifle and fired it at the target. Kate standing beside me. I watched as Dicks eyes widen. The video ended.

Dick took a deep breath. "You gave her a gun." He said slowly. Jay nodded. "The one thing I specifically asked you not to."

"To be fair. You gave us a long ass lecture, and specifically told me not to do a lot of things. I cant be expected to remember them all." Dick silently stood up and gestured for Jay to follow him as he walked out of the room. "I think I just earned myself another lecture."

"Should I tell him that it was my idea or something?" I asked, trying to help Jay out of trouble.

"No." Jay said as he stood up. "I knew a lecture was coming." He stood up and walked towards the door. "See you three later."

We watched as he left. "So that's what you two got up?" Steph said.

"Yep."

Alfred took the half empty plates. "You don't seemed surprised Alfred." I commented.

"Once I seen you go off with Master Jason I knew there was probably guns involved."

"Very rarely that something happens that Alfred doesnt know about." Steph said.

"That includes what you and Cass got up to in the garden last week." Alfred stated.

Steph's face reddened. "Anyway..." She quickly changed the topic. "You up to anything after dinner?"

"No, and I don't think Jays gonna steal me today."

Steph giggled. "Do you bake?"

"Bake? Not often."

"How about this evening? Cass and I were going to do some baking this evening. Maybe you wanna join us?"

"I thought all the kids were banned from cooking?"

"Miss Stephanie and Cassandra are allowed to bake once a week." Alfred explained.

"Are you claiming I'm not a competent cook, Alfred?" Steph questioned.

"That is precisely what I'm claiming."

"Yeah. That's fair." Steph admitted.

"So who is a competent cook?" I asked.

"Myself, of course." Alfred said. "Master Jason, and Miss Kate."

"There's like..." I started trying to count all the people I'd seen around the house, and gave up. "Fifteen people in this house, and only four can cook?"

"No. They can all cook." Alfred corrected me. "Only three can cook without setting the kitchen on fire."

"It was one time Alfred." Steph said. Alfred stared at her. "Okay, twice." Alfred continued staring. "Fine. A handful of times." Alfed smiled and walked over to the sink. Steph turned back to me. "So what do you say?"

"I'd love to." I said. "If that's okay with you, and Cass?"

"Of course." She replied and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Cass and I are excited to get to know you."

I smiled at her. "Me too."

"Speaking of Cass, I wonder where she is? She's usually up about now." Steph looked to the door. "I'm going to go check on her. You want to come?"

"No. That's okay."

Steph nodded and said goodbye as she headed up stairs. I said goodbye to Alfred and headed to my room. I passed Harper on the way. She groggily said hello and headed into the bathroom. I smiled and headed into my room.

A couple hours passed as I sat around in my room scrolling through my phone. I glanced at my messages. I had a dozen missed texts from my friend back in Ireland. I honestly agent even thought to text her since I'd arrived.

"Hey." I texted her.

A few minutes later she responded. "Hey. How have you been? How's the move gone?"

"Its been good. It's different."

"How are the Waynes treating you?"

"Like family."

"That's greats. I'll have to come visit one day."

"One day. I'm still settling in."

"Call later???"

"Maybe. I think I'm baking later, but I'll see afterwards."

"You? Baking? That can only end in disaster."

"Haha. Let's hope not."

A knock on my door startled me back to real life. "Come in."

"Hey." Bruce said as he entered, holding a tray of food. "Dinner. Courtesy of Alfred."

"Thank you." I took the tray from him.

"Mind if I sit for a while?" Bruce asked.

"Not at all."

Bruce sat. I quickly checked the message I was sent. "Tell me how the baking goes."

"Will do. I gtg rn. Ttyl."

"Friend of yours?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah. From Ireland."

"If you ever want to bring someone over or go... back over," Bruce said. "I can arrange it."

"Thank you, but I'd like to settle in more first."

"Right." Bruce nodded. "Sorry I haven't been around as much as you had probably expected."

"It's alright." I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed, but I know Bruce did his best to set aside as much time for me as he could.

"You still want to go shopping tommorow?" Bruce asked.

"Yes. I'd love to."

Bruce attempted to hand me some money. "Kate mentioned you were afraid to ask."

I pushed the cash back to him. "Yeah but it's alright. Kate gave me some yesterday."

Bruce chuckled. "Of course she did. Take it anyway." He forced the money into my hand.

"Thank you."

"Never be afraid to ask me anything Ashleigh." Bruce smiled at me. "For money, if you need do be brought somewhere, anything."

"Thank you." I smiled. "I'm starting to sound like a broken record." Bruce laughed.

"Hey Ashleigh, you ready-" Steph stopped as she spotted Bruce. "Oh hi Bruce."

"Hey Steph."

"I was just looking for Ashleigh."

Bruce stood up. "I'll leave you two up to- whatever it is you two intend to get up to."

"Bye Bruce."

"See yah B."

Bruce stopped. "What time do you want to go tommorow Ashleigh?"

"I don't mind."

"How does eleven sound?"

"Yeah that's fine."

"Great. Talk to you two later." Bruce left Steph and I alone.

"I came to tell you that Cass and I were about to start baking."

I hopped up. "Oh cool."

We headed out of my room and down the stairs. "So you and Bruce going shopping tommorow?"

"Yeah."

"What are you going to buy?"

"Furniture and clothes."

"Got space for two more?"

"You and Cass?"

"Yes."

"You'll have to ask Bruce."

"Bruce never says no to Cass." Steph stated. "She's like his kryptonite."

I giggled as we walked into the kitchen. Cass stood by the kitchen island with a chef hat and apron on. "Hello."

"Hey." Steph grabbed a apron and hat and handed them to me.

I threw on the apron and looked at the hat. "Is the hat necessary?"

"No." Cass said.

"I think they're hilarious though." Steph added.

"Fair enough." I put on the hat. "So what are we making?"

"Strawberry shortcake." Cass said longingly.

"Cass loves strawberry shortcake." Steph explained, while grabbing a mixing bowl.

"So how do we make strawberry shortcake?" I asked.

Steph held up a sheet. "Got it all written down."

We began baking and chatting. I learned a lot about Steph, not so much about Cass. Almost two hours later and we placed the cake into the oven. "That was very enjoyable." I said.

"Yeah." Steph said. Cass nodded in agreement. "Now we wait."

"How long?" I asked.

Steph looked at the instructions. "Uhh... a while, I guess. I forgot to write that down. We can just guess."

"Like an hour?" Cass suggested. Steph and I nodded in agreement.

"I'm amazed we didn't make too much of a mess." Steph looked around.

A bit of dough here and there, some flour on the floor, but nothing more then should be expected. "Alfred made it sound so much worse." I said.

"Oh me and Cass aren't too bad but if you get a couple of us together, it can be..."

"Messy." Cass finished her sentence.

"How so?" I asked.

She looked off into the distance dramatically reminiscing. "You ever try to get honey out of your hair?"

"No."

"Don't." She warned me

"I didn't intend to."

We both turned to look at Cass, who was giggling. "You smelt like honey for a week."

I began giggling, half at the thought of Steph smelling like honey, and half at the fact Cass was giggling. It was a contagious laugh.

"It wasn't funny." Steph insisted. Cass and I's laughter stopped as Steph slapped a handful of flour into our hair and stepped back. "You know white suits you two."

I blinked as flour dropped down by my face. "Oh." I began laughing again.

Cass leaned into me and whispered. "There's honey in fridge."

"That seems mean." I whispered back.

"I get flour hair, she gets honey hair."

"What are you two whispering about?" Steph asked as she watched Cass walk over to the fridge. "Cass?" Cass took a jar of honey. "Cass, no!"

Steph immediately ducked behind me as Cass came forward. "Don't get me involved."

"I'm using you as a human shield. Cass won't hit you." Steph insisted.

"Sorry Ashleigh." Cass said as she took a handful of honey. " Going to be messy."

Five minutes, and a jar honey later, and all three of us and the kitchen was covered in honey. "So now I understand what Alfred was talking about." I said as I took a glob of honey out of my hair.

"Sorry." Cass apologised. "Had to get Steph."

"That's fair."

"I hate you two." Steph moaned.

"No you don't." Cass said.

"No I don't." Steph admitted.

"You love us."

"I do, but I hate that I love you."

"What in the name of Barry Bee Benson happened in here?" Tim asked as he and Dick walked in.

"Cass started it." Steph said.

"Steph started it." Cass said at the same time.

Dick looked us and sighed. "Go take a shower, you three."

"At least it's not as bad as last time Steph and honey was involved." Tim said.

"That was your fault and you know it Tim." Steph angrily said as we walked by them.

"We'll clean it, after showers." Cass said as she followed.

"Don't worry about it." Dick said. "I'll clean it."

"Sorry." I said.

"Don't worry about it. It happens regurly here." Dick insisted.

"Also I- Im umm, sorry about... you know. The guns and stuff with Jay." I said.

Dick sighed. "No need to be. You get to choose what you do. Jay might be reckless with his own life but he'd never needless endanger yours."

"Thanks." I smiled at him.

"I'd give you a hug but... you know,

honey."

"Yeeeah."

"Now go have a shower." Dick said. "You know you're going to smell like honey for a week."

"So I've heard." I said as I walked out.

I walked up the stairs to the bathroom and jumped into the shower. After about two hours of washing honey out of my hair, I headed back to my room, and sat on the edge of bed and sighed.

"Something up?" Bruce asked from the door.

I hadn't heard him enter, perks of being Batman I guess. "No. Just thinking."

"About?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Are you okay, Ashleigh?"

"I'm fine," I smiled. "Just need some sleep."

"You sure you want to go shopping tommorow?."

"Yeah. Absolutely."

"Okay. I heard you and the girls were baking?."

"Yeah, strawberry shortcake."

"How'd it turn out?"

"I'm not sure. It was in the oven when we left it."

"Why'd you leave it?"

"We had to-" I stopped myself. Am I allowed to tell him? "Wash... uhh honey off... Yeah. "

Bruce sighed. "That's why Tim wouldn't let me in."

"I think Dick was going to clean it, while we washed."

"I won't ask the why."

"Probably best."

"You coming down to taste the cake?"

"No. I think... I'm going to go to sleep."

"Thats alright. We'll save some for you."

"Thanks. Good night."

"Night."

Bruce shut the door and I lay into bed. I'm glad Jay didn't get into too much trouble with Dick. I felt kinda guilty for that. At least the baking was good. Steph is so nice and even though she doesn't say much Cass is sweet. A faint smell of honey filled my nose as I drifted off to sleep.

[mousepatrol]

8.8.17

so the reason im not posting this on the correct day is because our power is out right now. I completely forgot, but our powers supposed to be out from 8pm to 3pm which is completely stupid because the sun goes down right at 8 so that’s when I would need to start using it. I mean, they could have done it at around midnight when all reasonable people are asleep, or at least ten, when people are usually done eating and theyre just hanging out. You know? Also Im using word for this so that’s why things are being autocorrected

so, my day. Trash galore, folks.

I turned off my alarm last night because I didn’t think it was doing me any good and I was getting worried that I was just making myself sleep deprived for when school starts, so I went to bed around 3 or maybe even 4 (cant even fucking remember why at this point, I didn’t have shit to do) and then I woke up at 1145. Could have been worse but also could have been a lot better. So I wasn’t that tired bc I hadn’t been woken up 120000 times and I managed to actually be awake for a while. I fucked around on the computer for an hour and then made some pasta because apparently I cant eat anything else anymore. My appetite is shit

I ate like… only half of my food before I had to get ready to leave bc my mom was having a showing of the house and that means I have to leave. So I decided I was just going to go to the gym oh but I forgot something happened while I was going downstairs to cook

I made a short textpost about this already but I ran into my mom (who was in my brothers bathroom and I therefore thought she wasn’t home) and she told me that my dad had cancelled the flight he had for when I go back to school. So basically he was going to come out with me and help me move in even though I told him I wouldn’t really need that much help this time, since I already have all of my stuff and my new place is furnished. But when I had just gotten home, he insisted, and so he booked a flight with me. Also my parents told me that my car should be low on gas when I put it in storage so it was and it turns out that’s completely wrong so he was going to help me with my car also. It needs to go to the shop too just for like oil and stuff

Um so yeah apparently hes the biggest baby ever and my mom still wanted me to apologize to him and I think I did a good job of telling her that no, I should not apologize for my tiny bad thing (telling my dad several times to be quiet in increasingly sarcastic ways, bc I was watching jeopardy and he would not stop talking and I cant hear it when hes talking bc bad ears) when he wont even apologize for calling me a piece of shit and running away upstairs and banging things around and making me scared. That’s not acceptable and even though I recognize that I could have handled it better, I think that my response of annoyance (after days upon days of him doing this same thing while I try to tell him to not) was reasonable and honestly the things I said caused no harm. I wasn’t making fun of him. I was ONLY making jokes that had to do with the clues and turning them into ways of telling him to be quiet because I cant hear. I did tell him more nicely to be quiet in the beginning though. I really did. But he just wont stop with this shit and I don’t have infinite patience, even though it’s a lot better than I used to be

Um so yeah. Ok I wrote that for the last paragraph, interesting. But I mean im not mad about him not going, its not like I wanted him there anyway and I knew it would make me very uncomfortable and he would have to get a hotel bc theres nowhere for him to sleep, but its still a bit jarring and frankly just awful that he did that instead of either telling me okay and being quiet or I don’t know, saying im gonna leave the room while you watch it then bc I cant be quiet. Either of those would have been fine but instead of thinking internally about the things he was doing, he projected stuff onto me and just called me a piece of shit. I don’t really know how you can do that as a parent. I cant help but critique him, but at least im not just insulting him. You know? Is that reasonable? Ugh. But anyway, turns out theres a 711 right next to the storage place so if my car is out of gas I can either use the tiny bit that’s left to get it over to 711 or just like get gas from there and bring it to my car. Either way it is possible. I also just need someone to pick me up from the airport but my mom said she would figure that out. So, really, im fine. It’s the circumstance that is just very upsetting, you know. Its just not something that needed to happen and now im mad/scared of him for the rest of the time im here and im just over it as hell

Ok… so I ate lunch and then got ready for the gym bc that’s where I was going. So I went and then I actually went to target first bc I was out of soap, so I got better smelling soap than the one I had last and some more conditioner bc I was also out and I got a pair of comfy shorts that are a little too small for my ass but ill make due because I need more than one pair of shorts. And those other shorts really don’t fit me, I cannot wear them out lol. Then I went to the gym bc it was arm day and that went pretty well and I did it pretty quick so it was tiring for sure. And I came back and had a nice shower and sang against me! Songs really loud because I got tickets to see them in October that Im really psyched about and I just want to listen to them more. Oh man I love laura jane grace she is just so wonderful omg I am so glad to have her in the community its wonderful

So after all of that I went downstairs to get the rest of my pasta that I had put in the fridge, and it was like 6pm and I realized I probably didn’t want to be downstairs tonight so I also got some crackers and cheese and fruits snacks and extra water because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get to eat again (I probably only ate 500 calories today im upset L). So then I went upstairs to eat and I watched the great british bake off which is really nice and I quite like it a lot. Its calming and fun. After that I did a reply because dex replied to two of my threads today so I got one out for him since I want to get that thread going, aaaand about thirty minutes after that the power went off at eight. I had seriously forgotten about that so I don’t know, I kind of just accepted my fate

Im not really sure what exactly happened there, because I felt like I was fine before (was legit browsing dildos online lmfao like I was just bored yknow) but when the power was out I got kind of upset and just… took my plush cow and sat on my bed as the sun went down and just. Stared. Catherine, bless her fucking heart, texted me after like 30 minutes out of the blue so I luckily I had her to talk to for at least a little while. I was feeling shitty before yeah now that I think about it, after my shower I was upset and felt like I was gonna cry but I didn’t and I just sent james some snaps and he said he was gonna text me but he didn’t and that’s ok I think he went to bed because he didn’t open my other snaps. Its ok. He doesn’t need to contact me every minute for me to know that he cares. I love him so much and I sent him a quick text just to tell him that because I always do that when I feel bad just because eventually he replies and it always makes me feel good.

Ok so I cried like two times between eight and nine thirty when I was just sitting there, laying on my bed and texting Catherine about when school starts. I just felt really down because I remember having to turn the lights off around ten and it doesn’t really get a lot darker than it does in the summer at eight (I mean ten during schooltime when I was younger) and I just remember not having any light and no one to talk to or text and I couldn’t read and my parents would lock my computer out at ten so I couldn’t talk to anyone and I just remember being very very lonely and feeling like no one cared about me and not being able to talk to the people that I felt like truly did care about me. So I remember doing a lot of crying in bed in the evenings when I was like 12-16 and its just really sad, you know? i would cry myself to sleep a lot and all I could do was lay there and listen to music because ive always been really bad at sleeping so it would never come at ten even if I really wanted to sleep then. It just didn’t happen. So sitting there in my bed tonight just made me feel like this little kid trapped in this room and I cant go downstairs because im scared of people being bad to me and I cant go out and in my room I have to sit in the dark and its just all very bad. I forgot about all of that. Im an adult now and I can have the lights on when I want but I guess its upsetting for me to not be in control of that

Come to think of it, its also very upsetting when people tell me to go to bed. I talked to this one girl in my rp a lot (she doesn’t talk to me that much now, she talks to another person, I don’t know why and I do feel lonelier now but I guess she wasn’t that nice to talk to anyway so im alright) and if I was up when she woke up (8hhr time difference) she would spam me messages telling me to go to bed and I already knew my schedule but she wouldn’t shut up. I don’t know, that’s just something

Also I hate hearing people say my name. it makes me flinch every time and I think someones going to scream at me. I think that’s half the reason I wanted to change my name when I was going through gender stuff. I just didn’t want to hear that name anymore. Which is sad. Because I do love it, and maybe its not so bad when im not in this house bc its just my parents voices saying my name that really bothers me

So after 930 I went downstairs and got a candle and brought it up and I did a bit of drawing but it got annoying after about half an hour. At some point my dad came to my door and said something that I didn’t understand, so I didn’t say anything and he went away. Then I read catcher in the rye for about an hour (only got through like 35 pages) and now im writing this entry on whats left of my computer battery. Im charging my phone off of this just so it has power, since it was dying, and it looks like I have at least part of an episode of skam saved onto here so I guess im just going to watch that until I fall asleep because I always fall asleep to youtube videos. Im going to have to download some movie or something onto here so that I have that to fall asleep to in case if something like this happens again. Ok I know this was long but theres a lot of good stuff in there so hopefully this will help in therapy or something later. Things are really rough mentally right now and I just want to go home, you know. Ive wanted to go home for absolutely years, though. Idk where home is. bye