#i can be a good person and need a lot of help !!!!!!!!!!!!!! not mutually exclusive !!!!!!! not lazy or selfish for needing help !!!!! aaaa

[cozybi]

i do NOT have to do things the hard way it is GOOD to do things the easier way it is GOOD to make things gentler for myself wherever possible and i DESERVE help and kindness in all situations !!!!!!!!!!!!

[letmeoutofthebasementt]

Hyunjin in Relationships Astro pt.1

So, i'm making this into a series in a sense because this is long. AS. FUCK. And only the planets, their house placements, and the asteroids and their house placements. Not even aspects, or just simply what signs fall in certain houses.

So.

Tarot

I’d recommend reading my tarot reading first. So, first off quick disclaimer, Hyunjin's birthtime isn't confirmed, and his is one of those charts where it's important. His Sun and Moon can both be completely different. HOWEVER, I personally think having a Pisces Sun, Virgo Moon, Pisces Mercury, Pisces Venus, and Aries Mars suits him better as a whole lineup and it's pretty much a unanimous agreement on that. I also personally believe he's a Cancer rising, and if he was a Cancer rising born at noon he would have those placements anyways, as that's both the standard reading time and the Cancer rising time, and so I will read for him as if he is one. If he confirms his rising then I'll change it, but for now this is what we have.

So, first off, he has a strong drive to succeed and be recognized for his success. He knows what he wants, he knows he wants to do good at it, and he knows for a fact that he wants people to recognize that. With his sun in the 10th house, he definitely has very close ties with his public persona and even the persona he shows while working. How he outwardly portrays himself at the start is probably very consistent across the board.

Honestly, it would probably be hard to keep this a secret. Because of his sun being in the 10th house, I wouldn't be surprised if his relationship is outed by dispatch or something because he has a hard time keeping his personal life and work life from being so closely tied together. They always bleed together. Kind of like how his personal life is filled with SKZ who are his coworkers, or the bullying scandal that came out a long time ago that (While I genuinely believe was a two-sided conflict) did happen in his personal life when he was young.

He is very practical when it comes to his home life. He wants things to be perfect, and needs order and organization of the home. If his partner isn't neat, that can definitely start an argument. It stresses him out when things aren't perfect and his emotions go haywire. He also is a routine partner. I'm talking, the type of partner that even though they're all different, you're having your dates every Friday at 8:00 PM. He likes helping his partner in a practical way. He'll cook his partner meals, do the chores, and he just generally feels fulfilled helping take care of those he loves, especially his partners.

He likes to make sure his household is very harmonious, and generally his bonds are always very supportive on his end. He cares about his partner's well-being and needs a lot, and with this paired with his pisces stellium, he's very in-tuned with his partner's emotions. I'm talking he can notice slight shifts in your moods from like small details or just sense it. His mother is also probably very important to him, so if she doesn't have a good opinion on you...Time to kick rocks, I dunno what to tell you. Mama Hwang knows best. Now, he can be very very critical though. I'm talking criticizing your every move at least internally.

He's definitely the type who gets the ick extremely easily. Virgo moon AND a Pisces stellium? He creates fantasies and images of you in his mind that are simply impossible to achieve and when you inevitably don't meet them, it majorly puts him off.

He could also very easily not be in love with you at all but be with you for a while and act like he is. He could love the idea of you, or love the simple act of being in a relationship, he could love the love you show him but not you, he could love the image the relationship casts...Etc, etc. Being in a relationship with Hyunjin and being loved by Hyunjin sadly aren't always mutually exclusive.

Especially with him being an idol, I can definitely see him having a partner in Seoul that he sees only when he isn't promoting who doesn't have the time to necessarily shatter that image he so thoughtfully constructed, better yet if they're somewhere like LA where he isn't at often. Someone who can't shatter that image, someone he's still with so he's in a relationship like he always wants to be, someone who he can't be around physically often to scrutinize, someone who can fulfill that emotional need and show him love long-distance but he himself doesn't exactly love. He loves the image. The fact he's in a relationship. The fact that he's loved by someone. The fact that he can tell his group members he's in this relationship with the perfect person of his dreams.

He still doesn't love them.

Though he'll try his best to act like he does.

The people around him can still tell.

Hyunjin is also very particular about his partners going into relationships. He wants his partner to be attractive to him, which is fair. Looks matter to Hyunjin. They don't necessarily have to be conventionally attractive, though I do believe if his partner is perceived as attractive by a lot of people he'd like that (Though it'd also fan the flames of his jealous streak and mildly possessive behavior but that's a whole other section in and of itself). He appreciates beauty and art. He wants his partner to embody a beautiful art piece that'd come to life and chose him.

Now, Hyunjin is the romantic. He's also the hopeless romantic. Love is apart of who he is, and closely tied to his self-identity and life. He definitely believes in soulmates and is constantly trying to find his, and frankly he deludes himself into thinking every partner he has is his soulmate. He sees his partners through rose-tinted glasses to the point his partner could kill a man in broad daylight in front of a huge crowd and he'd try to justify it. (not literally but you get my point). He's the type who practically worships his partners, and elevates them to such high standards. (Probably attracts narcissists or egotistical maniacs because of it.)

He wants a perfect, fairytale type love. He wants to be the knight in shining armor (*Cough* Captain Save-A-Ho *COUGHHH*) but he also wants a mysterious partner who can always keep him on his toes and is constantly showing new sides of themselves, and taking him on new adventures. But in that same breath he wants a partner who's very vulnerable with him and who he can know emotionally very well, and know more things about them than anyone else does.

His wants for partners are probably extremely contradictory, so only someone who in and of themself is very contradictory in character could match it.

His relationships shape him a lot. Like if he was a character in a novel he would either be a Male Lead or Protagonist of a love story because of how much love impacts his life. His relationships shape his character, his worldview, etc.

I could see him being drawn more to foreign partners or partners with different religions since he's curious about different cultures, beliefs, etc. etc. Anything new and unique piques his interest. He also loves travel and wants to experience things outside of the bubble he lived and was raised in. His placements also indicate he meets partners through travel and are from different cultural and religious backgrounds.

But he also has troubles with commitment and for him love is a form of escapism. Maybe even uses relationships to cope with things? I'm not saying he's a fuckboy but if HE WAS, he'd be the type who gives and promises you the world, strings you along and makes you feel perfect and amazing and he truly means it too, and constantly promises you the relationship of your dreams, and maybe you believe you're truly together even if he doesn't ask you out, then he just disappears off the face of the earth and you never see him again. Cold turkey. That's what i'm getting here. AGAIN, not saying this happens but...Well, if he was a fuckboy that's how he'd be and I stand by it.

Also, he's extremely emotionally, mentally, and spiritually dependent on his partners. He will change every aspect of himself to try and fit the partner's wants and needs, and try to take on the colors of the people that his partner is close with or admires to the point he loses himself trying to be one with his partner and be loved by them.

In a relationship, Hyunjin would 100% be the best person to talk to about your problems. He listens quietly, and if you start getting emotional he's comforting and gentle, and truly empathizing with your emotions and being compassionate about it. The type who'll just hold you in your arms while you cry, telling you everything's going to be alright and promising you that things'll get better. (The only downside is he'll probably end up crying with you unless that's a plus for you). You can take as much time as you need and he'll be entirely invested with his heart and soul in what you're saying.

He also communicates in a way that gives you the most hard-hitting quote-worthy statements ever because it's so genuinely poetic. Like i'm talking his words are an art form in and of itself in certain situations.

But the only downside is he always feels like he needs to try and fix things. So if you're sad, he can't just accept that sometimes people just need to be sad, he'll try and find a way to fix it and will even shoulder the blame, even though it's just not something he can fix and not at all his fault.

If he's hurt...He can be very selfish and destructive. Like he's so wholly invested in you and pushes himself aside...Until he isn't. Until it's about him and only him and he goes from being so invested in his partner that he loses himself to only thinking about his wants and desires. If you get in an argument, he stops caring about how much he could hurt you near instantly, because your feelings be damned he needs to protect himself and he will.

He has a fucking temper let me tell you. He has THE temper. And you never expect it or see it coming. He doesn't stay angry for long, sure, but when he's mad he's mad and it's honestly a very scary sort of anger to witness.

Arguments with Hyunjin are bad for anyone's mental health to be honest. At first he'll probably be more hurt than mad and try to be very...Understanding of everything you say, and definitely try to defuse the situation.

Then he realizes you're not stopping and he starts crying either because he's genuinely upset or he wants you to shut the fuck up and it's a manipulation tactic. He starts playing the victim, and even if he isn't hurt he'll sure as hell act like you're attempting to verbally murder him, and if he is it's arguably worse because he plays it up to heaven and back.

And then things escalate. You say something that either really pisses him off or generally hits too close to home and all hell breaks loose.

Suddenly the tears are gone and he's screaming and he's good at it and he hits you with the most poetic, jaw-dropping, artful, creative insults and comebacks known to man to the point you stand there like "Wow."

Honestly, you're lucky you're his partner because if you weren't he'd curse you slap the fuck out. But you're unlucky it's Hwang motherfucking Hyunjin and he doesn't need curse words to make you feel like pure shit. He's way too creative in that aspect.

It's hard to truly get him to this point. Hell, you probably won't even if you cursed him out and called Bangchan a whore. But if you do, all the power to you babes. Anyone who has gotten Hyunjin beyond the point of no return...I was about to say qualifies for financial compensation but honestly if you got him that mad you probably deserve it.

There's no relationship after that point unless you're the pushover though. Because the shit he says would warrant the messiest breakup known to man.

He will criticize everything about you. He will use your emotions that he's so in-tuned with against you. He will scream and shout and break shit.

Granted this is him at his breaking point but still.

But on another note this man is in fact the life of the party. I'm talking the two of you will be the last people at the club because he's still partying and having fun after everyone calls it a night. He's the type of person who has gatherings with friends that're supposed to end at 7:00 but somehow you're all there until midnight and no one minds because they're having fun and he's so infectious.

Dates with Hyunjin will be fun. They'll be romantic but they'll be so outside of the box that you don't know if there was ever even a box in the first place. Dates are definitely planned and initiated by Hyunjin, as are most relationship milestones because he's so hot-headed and impulsive.

Like he meticulously plans out your first kiss, wants it to be something slow and romantic under the stars on a picnic date with candles and good food.

Then the real first kiss is him tonguing you down in the car right after he got gas because you were looking especially kissable and it's definitely hot as hell but not at all what he had planned.

He's very, very protective.

Controversial opinion: There's no way he can't fight. Because let's be so real here, his temper combined with his mouth means on the rare occasions he isn't the one that starts swinging someone will 100% swing on him during arguments. And practice makers perfect.

But yeah, he's a very protective person. Also very territorial, and borderline possessive. Like...I was going to say not in a toxic way, but possibly in a toxic way. Like he doesn't view you as property, and you have your own autonomy, but it's also like he views you as part of himself, so naturally you're his, so naturally there's no boundaries in fucking sight because you're not you're own person you're part of this little unit.

But with that being said, he's a very stable and trustworthy person. He's loyal to those who he loves and cares for to the point where it's a detriment to himself. He's charismatic and funny, and he can unintentionally charm the shit out of you without intending to just from being himself and speaking his mind. Because that's how he is.

He expects those things in return though. He expects trust, and loyalty, and a mutual respect in all of his interpersonal relationships. When he trusts, he trusts. When he's loyal, he's loyal. He's kind of like a dog in that sense? He trusts and he trusts because he's just that loyal, even if you hurt him beyond repair he still never stops fully loving and trusting you. And it never stops him from loving and trusting others. Because he's just that kind of a loving person.

He's also very generous. He'll probably spoil his partners a lot, buying them whatever they want and helping them out with whatever they may need help with.

He works hard in all his interpersonal relationships and is constantly trying to improve himself for the sake of things. He values bonds that last for a long time. His taurus Jupiter + Saturn mixed with his pisces stellium honestly is probably the reason why he has said he likes drawing older couples and why he believes that love should be something long-lasting and eternal, and why he'd prefer being someone's last over their first. And honestly i'm living for that.

In relationships he likes to have that emotional depth and someone who can stimulate him intellectually. He likes his relationships to be free and equal, and he likes to ensure his partners are aware of just how unique they are. He probably doesn't stick to traditional gender roles in relationships, and instead acknowledges that people have personal preferences that shouldn't be dictated just by gender. (Though there are obviously some things he likes doing that are more "masculine" roles, and some things he'd prefer his partner to take up that are more "feminine" roles but it's less about the gender part and more about the personal preference part)

Gives me malewife energy though in the sense that he probably enjoys doing a lot of things people would traditionally expect a wife to do.

He wants someone who he can grow with, but also someone who gives him room to be an individual. He naturally gravitates towards changing himself to please his partner, but will also develop resentment towards them if they're just constantly changing him and changing him, especially if they're not even changing or growing themselves.

He wants to be with someone who's his lover and his friend. Someone he shares ideals, visions, and goals with. He has an issue with learning the balance of giving and taking in relationships though. He just gives, gives, gives, gives and never bothers to take in return. He needs someone who can teach him it's okay to take, to ask his partner to do things for him or this that and the third instead of only acting almost as a personal maid waiting on his partner hand and foot while expecting nothing in turn.

His ideal lover is 100% someone he can finally be Hyunjin with instead of a franken version of himself. Someone that's his comfort zone and can return all that love, care, and affection he pours into his partners so readily.

That's not what he attracts though.

He attracts pushy people who do things he didn't sign up for. I'm talking about three dates in they show up at his door with their bags saying they sold their house to live with him because it's "better for the relationship". People who are overly involved in his every move and breath, and are definitely EXTREMELY toxic levels of possessive. They treat him like an object. He can't do this, he can't do that, he can't talk to this person or interact with that person. He attracts the type of partner that he needs to call just to get permission to order food or has to call and show the entire room he's in and its other occupants using his phone. The type of partner who knows 0 boundaries. The type who after inviting themselves to live with him completely changes the entire space to what they think suits "them" better. They want to be his everything and want to be his "Comfort Zone" that he craves but really has the opposite effect and it's overbearing and suffocating. Wouldn't be surprised if he's had partners who've tried to distance him from the group because they're "too close" (They may or may not have been successful I dunno)

He wants someone who awakens that special spark in him and knows him more than anyone else seems to. He also likes his partners to be very family-oriented. He likes peaceful relationships where he and his partner cherish one another. He likes making his partner feel amazing and likes making them feel like a god/goddess. Very forgiving and wants to do things that's in the best interest of his partner before things that are in his own best interest.

Pt. 2

[rockalillygirl]

Murderbot Holding Hands

(Minor spoilers alert for Artificial Condition, Rogue Protocol, Exit Strategy pls check the tags)

First real post because I’m shy. Don’t know why it’s going to be a hyper-specific murderbot meta but here we go:

I’ve been rereading all the books after finishing System Collapse <3 and I want to talk about a small moment in Artificial Condition that I’d never noticed before. It’s near the end of the book when Tapan is in ART’s medsystem after nearly dying, and SecUnit says that when Tapan wakes up it’s holding her hand.

When Tapan woke, I was sitting on the MedSystem’s platform holding her hand. (Artificial Condition, p. 155 in my ebook)

I thought it was a really sweet moment, but it also kind of puzzled me because of SecUnit’s aversion to touch. Later when I was reading Exit Strategy, I noticed a similar moment when SecUnit holds hands with Mensah to help disguise them as they’re trying to escape TranRollinHyfa.

[Mensah] took a deep breath and looked up at me. “We can look calm. We’re good at that.” Yeah, we were. I did a quick review to make sure I was running all my not-a-SecUnit code, then I thought of one more thing I could do. As we stepped out of the pod, I took Mensah’s hand. (Exit Strategy, p. 87)

Reading these scenes felt different in a couple ways. In my opinion, SecUnit taking Mensah’s hand in Exit Strategy seemed like more of a big deal because it was a part of SecUnit’s reunion with Mensah, and we see its thoughts and emotions leading up to it. And it tracks that SecUnit might feel ok holding Mensah’s hand in that situation because of their close friendship. But the moment in Artificial Condition is more mysterious. We don’t get any of SecUnit’s internal monologue at the beginning because the scene opens when Tapan wakes up. And even though it’s clear in the book that SecUnit likes Tapan along with Rami and Maro, I wouldn’t say their relationship is anywhere near as close as its bond with Mensah. So why did it hold her hand?

I think it’s a neat moment that’s fun to ponder! And I have some vague ideas I’d like to share about it. (Some of this is based on the books and some is my speculation as an ace/aspec person dealing with touch aversion.) (Also none of these thoughts are mutually exclusive!)

Maybe SecUnit saw holding Tapan’s hand as a form of first aid after her traumatic experience and didn’t want her to panic waking up in a strange ship’s medsystem. This fits with SecUnit bracing itself to hug Mensah in Exit Strategy. (The memes of this moment are perfect lol)

But I was the only one here, so I braced myself and made the ultimate sacrifice. “Uh, you can hug me if you need to.” She started to laugh, then her face did something complicated and she hugged me. I upped the temperature in my chest and told myself it was like first aid. (Exit Strategy, pp. 82-3)

But I feel like SecUnit might not care as much about comforting Tapan in a similar way if it hadn’t already built up some kind of trust with her? Which brings me to Thought 2:

I think SecUnit might have felt safe holding Tapan’s hand because of the moment in Artificial Condition in the second transient hostel when Tapan laid down next to it. (Ofc I think rescuing Tapan from Tlacey’s ship was also a factor, trauma-bonding and all. But to me this moment in the hostel is more important.)

Thirty-two minutes later, I heard movement. I thought Tapan was getting up to go to the restroom facility, but then she settled on the pad behind me, not quite touching my back… I had never had a human touch me, or almost touch me, like this before and it was deeply, deeply weird. (Artificial Condition, pp. 136-7)

This is one of my favorite sequences in Artificial Condition (which is also my favorite book in the series because of ART! And because I find it quiet, reflective, and weirdly cozy even though objectively few cozy things happen now that I think about it). The scene is pretty mundane with a lot of fun bits like SecUnit pretending to need to use the restroom, be on a diet, etc. And we usually don’t get to see SecUnit hanging out with only one person. So it gives room for some small, but important feelings that I don’t think SecUnit has time to explore when it’s busy saving the day. Like how it feels about physical contact with humans.

(idk it reminds me of how like in ghibli films there’s usually at least one scene with the characters eating a meal or something because it sort of grounds everything else. I just like it!)

Tapan being close to SecUnit seems to throw if off-guard, but the context of the scene feels non-threatening and pretty mellow. So I think this gives SecUnit the opportunity to check-in with itself about this new experience. It still feels weird about it, but not in a scary or upsetting way. I think it’s almost this mutual vulnerability (Tapan feeling vulnerable and seeking comfort and SecUnit feeling vulnerable about her closeness and its own boundaries) that creates a bond between them, and that’s why SecUnit reaches out to Tapan to comfort her when she wakes up onboard ART.

That scene has become really special to me. And I would argue that it’s an important moment to SecUnit too because it brings it up again in Exit Strategy, along with a later moment in Rogue Protocol, thinking about times when it’s experienced physical contact with humans in a non-traumatizing way.

Except it wasn’t entirely awful. It was like when Tapan had slept next to me at the hostel, or when Abene had leaned on me after I saved her; strange, but not as horrific as I would have thought. (Exit Strategy, p. 83)

These moments seem to lead up to SecUnit offering to comfort Mensah later on because it’s reached a point where it feels willing to do so for her sake, even if it doesn’t want to seek out that kind of comfort for itself. And it’s really cool to see SecUnit navigate this throughout the books.

SecUnit starts the series with a strong innate sense that it doesn’t want to be touched by humans, but it’s allowed to refine those feelings in light of its new experiences. It’s boundaries are situational and personal, and even well-meaning humans sometimes struggle to understand them at first. Other times, SecUnit finds it difficult to understand it’s own feelings regarding touch and even changes its mind. But, importantly, the narrative always presents this as valid and worthy of respect.

This is a much more nuanced and realistic portrayal of defining boundaries than I’ve seen in a lot of media- one where it’s a constant and sometimes confusing process of self-discovery.

And these might seem like obvious concepts to some people, but they weren’t for me growing up. I really wish I’d read these books when I was younger, and maybe I would’ve given myself more grace to define my comfort level, grow, and change. But I’m glad that I’m in a place now where I can see and appreciate these things in what’s become one of my favorite series.

Anyway, I don’t want to say "thanks for coming to my TedTalk” lol. But very grateful to anyone who reads this and hope it was thought-provoking. Would be interested to hear other people’s thoughts on these scenes!

[a-twistedheartslonging]

The recent Book 7 release has put Vil and Rook on the mind, so do you have any particularly interesting courtship or relationship headcanons for your nonhuman AU? Thank you :)

My god Rook would rizz you so hard, we already know how he is as a human, though I've seen headcanons that he might have some beastmen in his blood it just isn't obvious/is distant or something like that.

Anyway...

He's enigmatic with a passion for all things beautiful, something Rook very much views you as regardless of what you think of yourself. He's very enthusiastic about supporting those that he admires so be ready for him to be supportive and encouraging as fuck. Yeah, he's gonna be weird about a lot of stuff but Rook is almost always genuine in his intentions.

Expect poetry and love letters to hit your door by arrow every morning.

Ah...Birb Boi Love.

When the night sky envelops the world in its cool embrace, a ballet takes place on treetops and secluded clearings— the dance of owl courtship. 

Serenading the night. Rook is already a great singer and loves to do it, with owls the males often initiate the mating process with a series of hoots. Though with him I'm pretty sure it would be actually singing that he graces you with...but still...it's kind of funny to think about...heh horny hoots.

He might be hoping for you to join him since female owls might answer back, leading to a duet. This vocal interaction strengthens the bond between the two owls and sets the stage for their partnership.

Gift giving, males often present food gifts. This act not only proves the male’s hunting prowess but also his ability to provide for offspring. He knows he can't just leave his fresh kills at your doorstep. Instead, he will use his cooking skills and bring very yummy meals cooked and caught by him. Will give a few happy hoots if you agree to letting him feed you.

He's going to bring you a lot of stuff, not just food though. Keep in mind the guy is well off and for a lot of creatures it's important to keep your mate well groomed, and he gets the good shit from Vil so expect to be gifted the best, lotions, shampoos, and skincare stuff. Along with clothes that seem to fit you perfectly...hmm how did he get your size?

Once a bond begins to form, owls might engage in mutual grooming, a sign of affection and trust. Please let him do your hair and nails he will be so happy. He gets to help you be even more pretty, gets to touch the person he likes, examine your interesting human features. He's actually someone you can trust to bathe with/wash your hair for you without trying anything regardless of his romantic feelings, even if you're nakey.

Nuzzling and nibbling will also happen, he knows you're a fan of his soft feathers and floof and will puff up to lure you in for cuddles...and then he'll get you with those gentle nibbles and nuzzle against you. At least with him, you won't have to worry about getting covered in fur after like with the others, but you might end up with a feather in your hair and will diffidently smell like Rook

Territory plays a vital role in owl mating behaviors. Male owls fiercely defend their territories from rival males, ensuring they have exclusive access to potential mates and sufficient resources for nesting and rearing young. Territory disputes often involve vocal and physical displays, including wing-spreading, aggressive posturing, and occasional physical combat.

As a result, any of the other guys should be wary of arrows flying their way when they get near Ramshackle once Rook gets to that stage in courting. The tree near your window was already one of his favorite spots before this started. I don't think he would start any fights though, not that he would need to, people tried to keep their distance from him before already.

The mental image of him doing the aggressive postering is funny though.

Hmm...wait...no...

...yeah, I can see how that would be scary if it's a man-sized owl creature doing it at night with glowing eyes and he's probably doing a weird honhonhonhon French laugh thing. He's going to scare the shit out of someone.

Some owl species, like the barn owl, engage in dramatic flight displays, which can include dives, spirals, and impressive swoops to impress a potential mate. He would definitely show off and even offer to carry you so you can enjoy a nice flight with him...you might see him divebomb someone, he doesn't actually touch them but gets pretty close.

The man loves his privacy so will likely pick a spot in Ramshackle away from everyone else to make into your love nest, only the finest blankets and pillows will be used, that fancy silk stuff you know?

Hmmm Vil.

I've thought about him ether being a Peacock-

Or a secretary bird.

I'm not sure what suits him best but I'm sure regardless his courtship will be flashy. You'll probably end up with a tail feather smacking you in the face at some point.

I might be able to think up something if you guys send in some ideas.

[cinnamonest]

LENA HI i need to ask. how do you survive irl? bc personally im a radical feminist and im all for eradicating gender roles and empowering women so having all these raging fetishes that stem from misogyny is so shameful to me(not that i really want to stop anyway…) i walk around with millions of unwanted inappropriate thoughts produced by my noncon-adled porn-rotten brain. like i genuinely need advice(or at least reassurement…) from someone that can relate. even if you cant relate or dont want to answer, id be VERY happy if you could just post this to your board so maybe someone else could see it and send a reply, as another anon or as a comment to the post, idk. thank you in advance. and no i dont want to see a professional about this, the fuck am i supposed to tell them😭

I totally get that, I struggled with the same thing for a long time. I'm not great with explaining things like this, but I think the most important thing to address (the observation of which helped me get over feelings of shame and guilt) is

1) a disconnect between real misogyny and fictional misogyny, as well as 2) critical examination of fandom culture perpetuating shaming the content.

To be very clear: misogyny in real life is not like what I write about. Actual misogynists behave remarkably differently from what you see here. They do not cherish you, they're not just possessive or tsun, they genuinely do not see you as human, you are disposable to them, they hate you — and their behavior reflects that.

Secondly, I think it helps to become aware of a phenomenon I've noticed, increasingly so in recent years, where the same people vehemently hating on dark fiction will turn around and engage in very real misogyny. It's a bizarre phenomenon but it's definitely real and observable, and observing this over and over again has proven to me that fictional content does not at all facilitate real engagement.

I'm obviously biased to myself, and I won't say it's objectively true, but I personally think that the fictional content helps me recognize the real thing even where others often don't, and I've seen others in these spaces have similar experiences.

Which frankly, this contrast is not good because real misogyny, especially as it is casually woven into everyday life and culture, causes real harm, yet fandom culture is increasingly obsessed with fictional content and shaming consumers while turning a blind eye to it occurring in reality.

Recognizing the difference, for me at least, and the disconnect between them, as well as the realization of just how often real misogyny was a critical part of getting over feelings of guilt.

Tldr:

1) fictional misogyny and real misogyny are not only different, but often mutually exclusive, and

2) engaging with fictional content on misogyny does not inhibit your ability to recognize nor combat it — that's a matter of careful analysis of engagement with culture.

Also on another note — there are a lot of professionals who are very understanding about this sort of thing! I won't say every single one is, but there are plenty of non-judgemental professionals.

[gynandromorph]

It's okay not to answer, I know it's broad territory, but I really respect you as an artist and writer. How do you handle people misinterpreting or missing elements of your work, especially when they may still enjoy it and get something out of it? As an artist I'm struggling lately with knowing my work will always inherently be read differently from what I intended as a matter of the human experience, as well as me being autistic complicating my ability to communicate.

An addition to that last ask. I don't know if it's clear what I'm asking so I'll give some examples. A 50 year old man and a 21 year old woman will get different things from a movie due to their lived experiences. As a gentile reader I might miss jewish narrative themes in a piece of work. That doesn't mean it's bad for us to have experienced it, but as an author I find it frustrating when something is missed or misinterpreted, and I don't know how not to be a control freak about it.

i feel you, i have ocpd and being misinterpreted when i agonized and stressed about how to present my wording makes me want to light myself on fire and it's something i'm working on. writers are supposed to expect and account for different perspectives ahead of time, so it always sort of shocks me when i hear interpretations i wouldn't have thought about at all. i know logically i can't predict all outcomes, but it's still surprising anyway!!! but i generally feel a lot of distress about being misinterpreted because i'm afraid it'll label me as A Bad Person, so i think that's where the experience diverges. maybe investigating why you need to or want to control the way your work is interpreted would help as a starting point? i think having a larger audience helps, too... it means more people will misinterpret your work, but it also means you're more likely to have at least One Guy who interprets it just right and makes fireworks go off in your brain, but there's no way to control how big your audience is!

anyway, the ways to control how your work is interpreted, to the degree that you can:

you can make it simpler. the more parts a story has added to its complexity, the more it's going to be misinterpreted.

you can make the intended message more blatant. you can have a character say exactly what you want the audience to think or hear, or something very close to it. don't want a detail missed? make it bigger.

you can reprioritize parts of the story. basically think of a group of interpretations you want the audience to have if you can, and then put them in order of importance. then the story has a hierarchy to lean on wrt artistic decisions.

you can give the story multiple meanings. more targets to hit. if they're mutually exclusive, i find this works better... i like making my stories ambiguous with conflicting interpretations a lot. yeah, people are going to interpret the story wrong, because it was made in a way that will guarantee it is interpreted wrong in some way.

you can layer the meaning so that less literate audience members will at least get SOME of what you intended. basically, close to the previous strategy, but like a hybrid of that and "make it simpler" imo because you're constructing multiple interpretations that are all supposed to lead to one conclusion (like a persuasive essay or something), but can act as an adequate conclusion on their own.

all of these options have obvious qualitative losses. if you have anything in particular that is repeatedly misinterpreted or missed, it's a good idea to think about Why you're making those choices. consciously committing to a higher-risk artistic choice will help you feel more in control of what happens to it once it's done. the way your art is interpreted isn't totally out of your control, you are making decisions that add to or mitigate the risk of misinterpretations, and you can bring those choices to a more conscious awareness to see them and appreciate them. sometimes it'll feel like a begrudging compromise, but it'll still be Your choice ultimately.

on an emotional level... hopefully this makes sense. there's always going to be the piss-on-the-poor scenario and sometimes i just remind myself that some people are not as literate as me, but it's great we were still able to connect through a work that was probably difficult for them!!! it was a privilege to get to grow up with a good education, access to art and technology, strangers who want to look at what i made, and there are times where i take this for granted, and my expectations of readers are actually kind of unreasonable!!! some people are younger than me and say stupid things like i did, but they aren't able to understand things like me yet, and it's important for them to learn by figuring it out on their own!!! i was and will always be That Guy to other artists and other writers, and i want to give other people the same grace as i get. some people have wildly different life experiences compared to mine, and these experiences can be much more nuanced than i could ever imagine, but it's a little gift that they made my world larger by sharing theirs through my art!!! it's terrifying and embarrassing knowing that i don't know much of anything, even about something i have total control over, but the consequences of that aren't always negative. and possibly the saddest but most common way i deal with this is nothing more than accepting that no one is ever going to understand me on the level that i want to be understood. sometimes my frustration has come from a place of miserable alienation, where the need to feel Seen can be quite desperate. i've made art explicitly about Me, and i've made art deliberately hostile towards its audience, art that's said they don't get it and they never will, but they still bothered to try. i made a game that said no one will win here and they still played it with me, and i can appreciate that. in many cases, they actually know more about me than i know about them. but more importantly, it isn't my audience's job to take care of that emotional need -- in fact, as much as art is made out to be a mode of pure self-expression, i don't think they can. it's a reality that i don't like, but i accept it. art made to benefit others is a one-way mirror: you make them feel seen, but they should never see you, because if they see you, the mirror isn't working.

[livehorses]

The Spot and Disability

It's very interesting to me how ATSV told Spot's story. At a start he's handled as a joke in the movie. Even Miles and the audience with him laughed at the new villain in his introduction. I was personally disgusted when the bread goes across him. Also, the guy isn't good at being bad and stealing an ATM, so he can be considered as a joke.

But it's hard to admit that we as an audience, and Miles did wrong laughing at his face about his new condition. We often mock him when it comes to the bagel joke, but he clearly suffered a lot, and lost it all after the accident. He was being mocked, rejected by everyone, even by his own friends and relatives. He evidently couldn't do anything without any of his holes getting in the way (which is the thing that makes him disabled), he lost his job and was forced to do illegal stuff in order to survive. That left an irreparable emotional damage that shaped him permanently. These are actual motivations for a person to take the wrong path, and even more when you discover you have a power that could give you some advantage over the others.

All of his story is clearly similar to what many disabled people live on a daily basis. "Unfortunately for me and you, this is skin." Sounds familiar? Reminds me of people that have vitiligo, which isn't exactly an illness and it isn't contagious, but common people think it is, and they fear, avoid and reject anyone who has it. Even in these modern days, where society supposedly is for everyone and everyone matters, disabled people are still rejected and disrespected, victims of bullying, mockery and exclusion. They don't get a chance to adapt to this world, not meant for them, and they miss so many opportunities of having a job, to form a family and go places adapted to their unique conditions. This world still needs to educate its people on respecting the disabled. That doesn't mean that disabled people are doomed to become villains, no! That would expand more the prejudices towards them. But what most of Marvel villains, and more, Spider-Man villains, have in common is having an accident that left them disabled: Flint falling on a sand dispenser, Max on a pool of eels, affecting their entire lives. (Not to mention that Doctor Connors was already disabled when he recurred to a not so ethic way to recover his arm, turning him into a lizard-like humanoid)

And yeah, every Spider-Man has a similar (canon) event, they're bitten by a radioactive spider. But rather to turn them onto something horrible, they hit the jackpot instead isn't it? They get attractively buffed, they get cool super powers, they become popular and loved by most people. But the others are treated as villains, and it's true, Spider-Man has to combat crime, and in the end, he shows mercy towards them. But in the end, most of the time their condition is treated as menacing and villanious. That's why No Way Home, brings a fresh vision on helping the villains to get cured or at least treated. (Although, that's not always realistically possible for disabled people, and most of them don't need to be cured or treated like their condition is bad for them)

But the movie leaves it clear it was a mistake to not take Spot's situation seriously. The man might've taken it chill at a start, but the more he was mistreated, the more he got resentful especially with Miles, wrongly considering him the source of all his disgraces, and more when the Super-Hero laughed at him. His power grew at the same time as his anger, and by the end of the movie, Miles admits it, he's his nemesis, they're mutual enemies now, and he's dangerous. If Spot was treated better from the start, with dignity and if he was given a second opportunity, support and optimum laboral conditions, maybe Spot would be now an ally.

How wrong we were, by taking him for granted...

[burnandblind]

I guess I'll just keep saying it in as many ways and as many times as it takes:

Humanity needs to grow out of this phase.

Materialism. Capitalism. Toxic levels of selfishness. Lack of self awareness. Lack of compassion. Ignorance. Lack of accountability.

Just.. basic growing up stuff. But on individual, group, demographic, and societal levels.

Who the fuck am I?

Brown. Mixed. Black/Greek/White. Trans. Autistic. cPTSD.

I exist at a lot of intersections. I also happen to be pretty, smart, and strong.

That's its own can of worms/double edged sword.

Bc people think these traits SHOULD be mutually exclusive. Or something. Idk.

Then there's the.. spiritual connection thing. Which everyone has. But I think the more experiences you have, the more it changes you. Just like anything else.

I've lived at least 3 life times. I can weld, drive a forklift, operate a crane. I've been a busser, a line cook, and an assistant manager/cashier.

I've been homeless. I've been an alcoholic. I've had my share of crazy times and drugs. I've been married and divorced to an abusive woman of color.

The only things I haven't had enough of are love and money.

Most people kill for those. I just try to work for them. Honestly.

Somehow, that's never been good enough. Though many people didn't bother to work as hard for me as I have for them.

Not in my personal or business lives.

Now. Now, I'm sick of being humble. Of being quiet. Of being chill about how I've been treated or people's stupid bullshit.

I've only ever made my problems other people's when I've asked for help.

When I try to share my experiences? There's a lacking of response that eats at me

I don't care for attention. I want to live my life in peace.

But my issues are indicative of The Issues™️ that have been eating at humanity for thousands of years.

I'm just very much the guy that is here and tired of the bullshit.

I'd like to have a 3 some with a girl and guy or they of my choice and fuck off to the woods. Really.

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

15 Day BL Challenge

Day 7: Favorite Villain

I do like me a good villain. But good villains can also be hard to find. There's a lot of one-dimensional villains out there, or they're so horribly abusive & homophobic that you just want them to die.

I much prefer villains with some dimension and complexity, though I can be won over by a villain who's just clearly having a ton of fun.

So who to pick...

I do like Vegas a lot, but I kinda don't see him as a villain? He's an antagonist for sure, and does some dark stuff, but he's clearly a victim in a lot of ways, and gets the secondary romance in the story. Not that that's mutually exclusive from villainy, but it's just not how my brain categorizes him.

I looooved Heng's portrayal of Chalothon; he did so much to add dimension to a fairly thinly-written character, but we didn't get to see Chalothon's change of heart, or the incredible acting Heng would have brought to it, so that makes him slip down overall for me. (Can you just imagine the scene of Chalothon giving his Naga soul to Tharn? We get so few good villain turns in BL. I'm so pained at the deprivation).

I do have a soft spot for Aoey in Lovely Writer, largely due to Bruce's acting. He's a very interesting character in terms of a person who had a chance for his own beautiful real love story, and just made all the wrong choices, time after time. (I mean who in their right mind would say no to Chap?)

Oh who are we kidding, y'all know I am a fanatic for Not Me. I'm going to have to go with my boy Todd.

Sing is such a versatile actor, I don't think he gets nearly enough credit for what a chameleon he is. He's really good at fluffy roles for sure, but when he had to turn on the menace as Todd, he absolutely delivered.

He plays Todd's turn from "helpful friend" to "rich bastard" perfectly and in such a believable way. He's chillingly realistic in his belief that the only way to change the world is to buy it, and make it his.

And of course we can't talk about Todd without talking about his relationship with Black, how fucking thrilled Todd is when he realizes Black is awake from his coma (that Todd is responsible for), and how these two consistently try to kill one another, but can't, because of their deep fucked up love (they bone in between fights, you can never convince me otherwise).

Also, the scenes between Gun & Sing are goddamn acting masterclasses.

If we ever get our Joong Archen serial killer show, Sing needs to be his accomplice.

@negrowhat's full challenge here

[seokka0o]

𝑃𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐺𝑟𝑒𝑒𝑛 / 𝐾𝑤𝑎𝑘 𝐽𝑖𝑠𝑒𝑜𝑘

You like him, from the way he smiles to the last strand of colored hair. But you feel it's forbidden, gaon is your deepest fear and regret, you love your best friend and treat it like it's the greatest sin committed on earth. But after a party everything seemed to change drastically, leaving you between saying something to jiseok or living and dying with that love just for you.

Pairing: Gaon X afab!reader

🍊 : Band!au; friends to lovers; mutual pinning

Contain : make out ; fluff; smut; sex without protection; alcohol consumption; Oral;

6.7k

Author: my longest work to date and I could say I'm a little proud. I hope you like it, always remember to give feedback ♡ forgive any mistake or bad English, this is not my first language

Not fully proofread

The tip of the pen scratched the sheet slowly, your attention bent on it was not a matter if you thought Jiseok might do something wrong when writing his scores. In fact, you needed a good distraction so you didn't catch yourself looking at him distractedly. that new hair brought a fresh air to him, even if you liked the typical black something in the mix of colors made him look uniquely radiant, that was it, you were just friends but you had the right to find your friend handsome right? From finding him uniquely attractive to the way he is always handsome even in the smallest things he does, that besides being super talented he also had an incredible personality, the kind that captivates looks and people all the time, that makes girls sign his name when on top of stage with his band and you hate how he always seems ready to give back to each one of them, or how jiseok is rarely alone that long, considering those last few months the biggest record yet, despite all that he was an amazing friend, you were proud of that, of being his great companion, his inseparable friend.

 Let's face it. Who were you trying to deceive? You couldn't hold the façade that long because the whole band had already noticed your bizarre behavior. but you would be able to deny it every time, even yourself and the way your heart seemed to skip a beat every time he smiled at you. you would refuse to say that you had mixed feelings, that once you didn't see jiseok as a friend, but as that guy you felt you would never be able to get over, the one that made your body warm and want to wrap yourself in his arms. but everything inside of you, because you were willing to deal with this alone, you tell yourself that it's to protect your friendship with jiseok, but really it's just to protect yourself, solely and exclusively.

"Then?" Your finger stopped rolling over your hair, A huge pout was over your mouth when Jiseok spoke to you, eyes round and dark towards you, you with your body lying on the bed and he sitting next to you with the guitar in his lap . "You weren't paying attention, were you?"

"Hm? This is boring Jiseok, I don't even know why you invited me yet" you justified yourself, Jiseok sighed, turning the instrument to the side to lie down next to you. His hair smelled like bubblegum, you hated it, everything that referred to that smell reminded you of jiseok and this type of situation was becoming recurrent in a way that you didn't like to think, the feeling was that you were always stuck with things that referred to him and that was just too irritating.

"You are my best friend, there is no one better to help me" Gaon took the phone out of his pocket and checked the messages, a whirlwind, for a second he thought he was flirting with someone by the smile he deposited on his lips, but then he dropped the attention of the device and directed you "do you want to go out today? We're playing in a pub, something simple, but I can bring someone"

No big deal, you weren't at all the performances, but whenever you could, you paid a visit to Jiseok's concerts; college and work took a lot out of you so you couldn't always watch him shining on stage, but by coincidence, you were off that day, and even if you weren't, jiseok's eyes were shining in your direction which indicated that you certainly wouldn't have any choice but to agree to go.

"I'll only go if you put me in the front row" you said quickly, making a genuine smile bloom on jiseok's lips creating noisy butterflies in his stomach.

"Stop" was an unconscious act, a strong mental state taking you out of the reality where you lived, Jiseok had no right to be that way, it made you suffer, reaching the point of despair.

"Hm? What is it? I didn't do anything" he replied looking confused, without any opportunity for an answer, at that moment you could even have tried to muster up some courage to say how uncomfortable you felt lately. Not because it was in any way inconvenient, but because you've slowly come to know that you don't feel the same way.

"Please be dressed!" Jooyeon entered the room with a bang, making you and Jiseok jump and then look at jooyeon's scared expression "am I disturbing something?"

Thank God. you felt that that was the signal for you to get rid of that weird atmosphere that you had incited a short time ago. You laughed, disguising any embarrassment and sat back down on the bed, shaking your head right away.

"Don't make assumptions like that, jooyeon, we've known each other for a while to deduce this kind of relationship" you anticipated by throwing a glance at Jiseok who looked at you and smiled in response to any comment.

"Calm down, it was just a question" Jooyeon raised his hands up in surrender and sat down on the chair that was placed next to Jiseok's desk. "There's going to be a party after the show, Gunil hyung asked to let you guys know since neither of you seems interested in reading messages in the group chat."

"I saw it, I didn't call you because normally you don't like to go to gunil hyung's parties" Gaon tell you putting

the guitar back in his lap and went back to strumming, playing with the chords giving a background soundtrack.

"I will" the guitar goes out of tune and then the boy with the colored hair looked at you dumbfounded, as if something very new and fun had appeared in front of him

"It is serious?" Jiseok asked

"Yeah" You replied

"Amazing!!" Jooyeon cut through the air looking like a new man and stood up "so everyone at Gunil hyung's house for an after party!"

"Okay then I'll meet you later" you pulled your jacket off the bed and got up rather quickly

"But are you leaving already?" Jiseok put a pout on his lips and leaned on his guitar, hoping that would change your mind at least a little bit.

"Yes, I need to do some favors for my sister and get ready, you should do the same and start getting ready" you said adjusting your jacket over your body "see you later"

  You smiled at Jiseok and started towards the exit of the house, taking your car so you could drive back to your home.

Jooyeon watches you leave and then directs to jiseok a look with a smile plastered on his face, totally suggestive, which makes Jiseok frown in mental confusion.

"And then?" Jooyeon asked going to the bed where he sat in the place where you were sitting earlier

"What?" Gaon casually asked, going back to fiddling with the guitar chords but not playing a song itself.

"Weren't you guys really doing anything?" Jooyeon  tossed his hair back before laying down.

"No? Me and y/n are friends, it doesn't make sense for us to be in that kind of relationship" jiseok tried to sound as clear as possible

"Bullshit. it's actually quite easy, you and y/n are both wimps" jooyeon wasn't the kind of friend you joked about, he was observant enough to know all the gaps that both you and Gaon left in the way, even if indirectly you seem to share the kind of energy that could later yield a relationship, you just refuse to see it

"Don't say that kind of shit, especially around y/n, silly" Gaon put the guitar on the base and got up from his bed " I hope you've tuned your bass at least, you just have free time to say that kind of nonsense"

“but if it happened to be convenient you wouldn’t be able to deny it right?” jooyeon asked suggestively

“yes, I think it would be great” jiseok shrugged “but that's impossible to happen, so please stop saying that kind of thing”

"I'm not the one on the defensive," jooyeon replied. Picking up phone from pocket, checking group messages, getting up right after "don't get so cranky, I'm on my way out"

"Hm" Jiseok nodded and then Jooyeon headed outside, leaving him alone.

he was beautiful, there wasn't anyone else who could demonstrate that, jiseok in his ordinary life was already naturally handsome, but on stage you could see it, all that confidence, beautiful clothes, makeup, he was radiant, which made you shiver in anxiety, deposited on the table right next to the stage you could see him tuning the instruments and taking care of all the technical part. everything at the perfect level of damage, you were feeling trapped in his image and that never felt right

the whole club was very beautiful, with well placed lights on the stage all of the band could be seen, jiseok was distracted and you were distracted by his beauty, wondering when it was that you fell into such a deep feeling, that it made your feet float, that made butterflies appear in your stomach to the point of making you feel sick, it was horrible, you wouldn't recommend this kind of situation to anyone where you just fall in love with your best friend with no pretext, jiseok was free, he wasn't meant to be loved and you he knows it, with a heavy heart, but he knows it well.

"what it was?" jiseok waved at you and snapped you out of your melancholy reverie. he kept the guitar suspended on his shoulder, now moving his fingers involuntarily

“no biggie, you look pretty good today” you complimented, jiseok smiled shyly, shrugging his shoulders over your compliment

"nothing else? for me that's actually a lot" said jiseok dumbfounded, you rarely complimented him like that

“I'm trying to be kind, jiseok” you skirted around a little embarrassed

 “oh sorry and thank you,y/n ” you just smiled in return, swung your legs, it didn't take long to see them start.

you weren't sure if you were feeling melancholy at this point, jiseok was formidable on stage, giving the basic animation he provides every performance, getting everyone excited and jumping to the sound of the band. however specifically talking about his habits made you feel a bit jealous. he was at the front as usual, you saw him flirting with someone a few minutes later, smiling and winking.  jiseok tended to transform on stage, but specifically at that moment you felt fully offended, without any ability to hide it, he didn't look one way even second to you in that whole course, regardless of whether they were friends, jiseok didn't seem interested in knowing if you were having fun, he just considered that the distraction of whoever it was was ahead of him, so it would remain that way.

All this toxic path of yours was observed in a way you forgot that you had other friends in that band. even if he didn't fall into the junhan concept with the jungsu who were more to the corner, they noticed his sudden drop in animation.

you didn't drink a lot, you didn't feel in the mood. watched jiseok all that time, joking, being in the prime of his life and as soon as the live ended he disappeared. you didn't need to gather too much to understand where he were, so you stayed where you were, sipping the same drink as before, in deathly silence, feeling out of sorts, wanting to cry for feeling so stupid to harbor these kinds of feelings for jiseok , unbeknownst to him, fearing, watching him slip out of your fingers like water, missing the stares and any opportunity you had to say you liked him but failing utterly in the matter, leaving it for the next day, and the next and on that if spending years where you saw him leave each time with a different person, leaving you planted somewhere, waiting for the moment he would come back.

“Hi” the voice came from behind you, soft, low tone. you turned  head and looked at seungmin who smiled awkwardly, with his hands in his pants pocket

“you guys did really well today”” you quickly changed the subject, smiling a little, getting up

" paid off I would say” he smiled back. seungmin was like that, besides jiseok he was also a very close friend of yours, so it wasn't that strange that he showed up to talk "are you going to the party?"

you pondered, were you in the mood to deal with jiseok dragging the most diverse people everywhere? definitely not. but you had already promised to go to your friends, he soon nodded his head

“look, if you don't want to go I can drop you off at home” seungmin tried to look neutral but he was worried about how you looked not so comfortable there "you know no one will take offense”

"it's okay, I need to have some fun, I've been standing here for a long time, I want to at least make the night even a little bit fun" it was a party. you had your friends, there was no reason to make drama because of jiseok , maybe you were sensitive from an early age, it wouldn't be the last time like it wasn't the others, you could pretend to be used to it and have a little fun

"Sure? You know that after midnight I don't drive anymore, right?" said sungmin indicating the back exit with you, who followed him in a relaxed laugh

“I know, don't worry” you followed to the car with willpower, finding jooyeon leaning against the passenger door, lank hair and ridiculous sunglasses that made you laugh

"ayo!" he said low indicating the backseat "nice to see you"

“No way. y/n in the front seat” Seungmin said getting into the drivers seat, it was always turbulent driving with Jooyeon in the passenger seat so Seungmin made sure to get rid of it. snorting jooyeon went to the back seat and then threw yourself, you entered the passenger and passed the seat belt

“I thought you was going to give up, jiseok just left, that fucker” complained jooyeon looking sorry for being dumped by his best friend

"And what's new? I said I was going to the party, I'm not on Jiseok's feet all the time " you complained, eyes glazed over the road which Seungmin started taking you into the night to Gunil's house

“okay, fair enough, fuck that too, jiseok is a fucking hooker and I need to get my ass kicked” everyone there seemed used to these acts, even laughter came out of their lips with naturalness, but without any humor

The house wasn't that crowded, you could tell it was a private party when you entered, following your friends to the kitchen where you found the drinks laid out for everyone and Junhan in an unusual position to choose a beer or any other drink

“JUNHAN, give me the vodka!!” Jooyeon screamed in the center of the room running to his friend, serving him something that you didn't bother to identify, as your eyes started to run all over the fest, behind those typical cotton candy hairs, without success, wondering what was so special going on for him to be gone.

“He's out somewhere and you said you came to have fun” Seungmin  offered you a beer you gladly accepted, bringing the drink to your lips to take a good drink.

"I wasn't looking for him, okay?" you objected rolling your eyes, turning your attention to seungmin beside you

He shrugged and laughed turning the can of beer over his lips, sipping the taste 

"Whatever, it's been a long time, it's getting to a level you can't contain anymore, I just think you should be more careful with your feelings" he always knew everything, enough to be hilarious, he always knew what what to say at the right time, ready to advise you and you wished that this could be of some comfort in the future, you intended not to take too much to heart so you would seek to resolve this situation as soon as possible.

"What the fuck" you laughed unbelievably, trying to reconsider "I really thought I was being subtle"

  If you were so obvious then why did Jiseok seem to not have picked up on the signs? Why did you feel in that bill snooker? Because the hell it all seemed even more absurd from that point of view, you're best friends and yet he acts like he doesn't know anything about you.

"Maybe not for jiseok" Seungmin shrugged still tasting his own beer.

"Fuck it, I don't want to talk about him right now" you mumbled with your throat full, downed your beer glass and then went deeper into that party.

 You and Seungmin were glued together the entire time from there, the booze rushing into your bloodstream. even though you weren't into it, you used it as an escape, taking it beyond measure. you guys started playing, starting with beer pong, the music blaring and screaming started to rise with your spirits, you even caught a glimpse of jiseok at some point, the cotton candy hair went somewhere and then disappeared, but you he didn't give a damn, you wouldn't bother, if he wanted to be seen he would show up.

 You continued the game, drinking too much, even taking a chance with gunil and his two right feet on the dance floor, laughing at the ridiculousness, joking with your friends for the first time, wondering how you didn't participate in a party like this before. Everyone seemed high in all sorts of ways, your friends would disappear and reappear twice as drunk from time to time, proving the kind of insane you were having to deal with.

 You at some point felt the need to go to the bathroom, you made your way through the halls, a little dizzy, out of breath from dancing so much, and then you stopped in the hallway. that's where you saw jiseok for the first time since the show earlier

you had all the time in the world to end up in this situation, there he was, there was someone else in the vastness, he was crazy drunk and you didn't need more than your eyes fixed on his figure to realize it. Jiseok was kissing, insane, making out with someone fervently, you were sure they were capable of fucking there with some more encouragement and you felt bad again, the feeling of the drink already hitting wrong and so you turned to leave going from encounter with a body.

"All good?" Seungmin knew he was about, even if the smell of the drink was strong he would be able to stop what he was doing to help a friend.

"Hm?" So, voice cracking, you looked away a little disoriented.

"You know you don't have to go through this, right?" Nerves were getting to the edge of your skin, you muttered under your breath, feeling embarrassed.

"Could you kiss me?" You sounded off key but you didn't seem to care, maybe you shouldn't, leaving was the option, but it was after midnight and Seungmin had made it clear. " if you do not want it, no problem…"

He smiled, looked proud, grabbed you by the waist and brought you close to the wall, leaning you there, even though jiseok didn't seem to pay any attention to whoever was in the hallway, you seethed in anger, glared at seungmin and then you felt his lips on yours, a kiss that started out intense. Suddenly everything became silent, you sighed against Seungmin's lips and then you deepened, his lips had a certain strength, the taste of alcohol and watermelon, the desire for revenge that wasn't only up to you to have, maybe him feeling wronged by you.

 Kissing deeply, pressing your body against the wall, your arms wrapped around his neck. seungmin presses his tongue against your lips and you sigh accepting passage, feeling bad for putting it in your mind that actually that should be jiseok there with you, and your bubblegum-scented shampoo, that the one kissing you fervently wasn't just a common friend who accepted your offer for meaningless revenge, something to stroke your bruised ego somehow. you felt bad for seungmin, but you couldn't help but let go of that contact, allow him to let go of you, you kept getting closer, tangling your tongue with his, tangled up in each other, losing your breath, drunk you lost focus for one second, seungmin did everything to give you that attention and then when the lips parted you ended up facing each other, letting a thread of sage run between your lips and relaxed faces, both panting.

you looked to the side and Jiseok was no longer there and then you relaxed your body, bewildered, not knowing how to proceed

“sorry” you whispered to seungmin and pushed yourself away from the wall, already feeling a little more sober “i shouldn't have asked you that”

"I said I was going to get out of hand…but that's okay, was it even worth it?" he asked in a way trying to get you to his answer.

“yeah, you're a fucking good kisser” you laughed suddenly feeling your legs trembling, you knew that seungmin was great like that with exuded confidence, feeling it on your skin was completely new.

“oh thank you” he laughed back “now if you'll allow me I'm going to use the bathroom”

the party was at an end, counting the last people making their way back to their homes. others still drinking and playing, even talking, you could see the remnants of what was a somewhat insane party.

you didn't live too far from there, but as a matter of caution jungsu who was the only one who didn't seem to have drunk himself to death offered to accompany you home, so while he was looking for his coat inside the house, you waited on the side of outside, on the sidewalk, saying goodbye to the people who passed you as they left.

  you were already a little sober when jiseok appeared, stopping beside you, looking from side to side, also looking more sober than the last time you saw him making out with someone in the hallway

“Are you leaving yet?” he said as if he had this whole time in his presence

“yeah, when they said about the gunil parties I didn't think they were that intense,I'm tired” you answered simply, you didn't want to seem upset about a situation you didn't even have the right to be upset about

“sorry for disappearing, I ended up drinking too much in the last few hours” he laughed sheepishly

“okay, it was a unique night, you have your right to celebrate” you look away to the night sky, giving small signs of the morning that would appear in a maximum of an hour

“hm, i saw you and seungmin earlier…i didn't know you guys had that kind of relationship” he started

“we don't, we were just hanging out” you smiled and shrugged. he looked jealous and at some point that gave you comfort, as if his work had been done.

“ah…I see, it seems a little strange, but I'm glad you're free of it” you were ready to answer gaon, maybe skewer his jealous way towards you, say some truths and maybe, just maybe lay your head on the pillow with more peace in your heart, but jungsu appeared quickly cutting the subject

"Sorry I'm late, shall we go now?" jungsu asked turning to jiseok

“coming?” he asked

“no, I need to wait jooyeon, see you later ” jiseok looked strange, but you didn't notice too much, you just bowed and left together with jungsu back to your house. maybe take a break from seeing jiseok, you felt like you were going crazy and it wasn't doing you any good. however the conversation home was very comforting, jungsu had a calm tone in his voice, a pleasant conversation about things that weren't jiseok and that left you immersed until you were at the door of the house, where you thanked jungsu and went inside, looking for comfort from your bed without even cleaning yourself, just sleeping from mental exhaustion, the bitter taste and tingling on your  lips from the kiss given that Seungmin without thinking twice gave you.

You met Jiseok occasionally, two or three times after that. As for Seungmin? No more was heard about this matter, you entered into some kind of agreement where you both agreed to blame it on alcohol, maintaining the friendship was important, but he had been clear in saying that if by any chance you wanted him he would be up for one colorful friendship in the future, but before that it should be resolved with Jiseok; He certainly didn't want to be in the middle of this situation, so he refrained.

As for your relationship with jiseok, everything its normal, you needed some time and even if everything seemed a little weird now you only understood it as a sign to leave it as it was, you soon accepted this condition, you had nothing to complain about just like him, already in that state, you weren't sure if you should say too much about your feelings, every time it came up you took a distance to calm your nerves, at least until you found the courage to say something. Which resulted in a mutual distance, even if everyone in the group of friends refused to say anything, you knew that on Jiseok's side there was something that needed to be said too, but that neither of the clearly irresponsible two wanted to take the first step in to say.

The day was especially hot, days like this are perfect for going out and doing something, but you were stuck there in jiseok's garage, paying attention to the nonsense you saw on your cell phone while the band rehearsed their songs for hours on end. You weren't very interested, it was too hot and that place was hot in a sense where you only thought about one thing, getting out of there and having an ice cream; which is clearly not the case as they argue about music non-stop.

"Do you want to sleep here tonight?" The voice as always came from the background in your attention. You looked confused about actually talking to you and that's when you realized there was no one but Jiseok around, you thought that was the moment where everyone disappeared and so you sat more properly on the couch.

"where is everybody?" you asked confused

“they left… you really don't pay attention” said jiseok indignantly and then sighed “so, do you want to sleep here or not?”

"For?" You didn't seem to understand for sure, but you tried hard not to appear defensive, as your behavior could be considered a bit evasive the last few days.

"I don't know, we seem very distant lately" commented Jiseok with a certain air of guilt, throwing everything into the air. "wanted to have a movie night with you"

"Really, but I don't think it's a good idea" you replied skeptically, you wouldn't face sleeping at jiseok's house and ending up more accurate in that feeling. The way his body behaved already showed that he was much more than upset for some time now.

"Why? Do we always do this?" You sometimes seem not to think, normally jiseok is hard to beat, he wanted everything to go his way and that was why you could rarely deny his requests

"Why not, Jiseok, I don't know… there's no way this is going to work" you were still feeling it, your hands sweating and the memory of him from one corner to the other bringing someone that wasn't you

"Why?" He questioned again

"Jiseok…I-I need to go" you once again being evasive, not wanting to declare yourself at all and then you stand up, making your way outside when jiseok grabs you by the wrist

"No, I want to know what's going on, y/n, since the party our relationship has been shit" he felt for you, he missed his best friend, he wished he could be with you talking and laughing again, he couldn't knowing what went wrong, why, where he seemed to sin so much to be treated as a mere stranger. It hurt deep inside you, like a sharp knife, burying and turning, hurting, wanting to make you scream, you didn't want to, but you were on the verge of crying with despair.

"Are you crying?" He started 

"Sorry" you whimpered, releasing your arm from jiseok's grip, keeping your body where you were "I lost myself, it's been a while, but it's getting unbearable to deal with this, liking you more like a friend hurts my me so much which I can't measure. Seeing you paying attention to other people bothers me, because I wanted to be beyond friendship with you and I can't."

 A weight seemed to come off your  shoulders. You were free, now in a situation where you could be totally denied or accepted for how you feel, it was up to jiseok.

"Sorry to spoil everything, I just can't take it anymore" the tears came out thick, but with relief, until that moment he hadn't allowed himself to cry and then it seemed fair, it was jiseok, he would be able to judge you for being sensitive

"So that's why you kissed Seungmin at the party? I mean, it wasn't because you two were having an affair?" You looked confused, wiped your face with the back of your hand.

"What ?" you asked low

"I thought you were together, I don't know. well, good thing, I thought I would be replaced" Jiseok shrugged. You looked jiseok up and down and frowned, angry, was he acting crazy? Was he playing with your feelings?

"Gaon if you're kidding with my f-" it was a matter of seconds, he held you close to him, body in an impact and his thumb scraping across your cheek, wiping away the rest of your tears.

"Don't call me like that" the thick tone of voice made you skin shiver, your heart pounding and then you felt the touch of his lips on yours.

 It was a dream, it couldn't be anything else. knees shaking, in sheer desperation, you had to hold on to jiseok to keep from falling. He sighed heavily when you reciprocated, keeping your body on his more firmly; moved his lips against yours with precision, as if he already knew your ways, as if he fantasized about kissing you at all times, it made sense that everyone would always want to taste him in some way.

you still didn't know how to deal well with the situation but everything seemed to flow very easily, through jiseok's hands and lips everything seemed to make a sense, deep, unique and full of feelings; you wondered if he kissed all his lovers with the same dedication, or if it was a unique privilege, if it was only for you that he sighed so deeply as he pulled your lower lip, or squeezed your hips so firmly in order to contain the hand tremors when touching you for the first time

you took the daring liberty of pushing jiseok back onto the sofa, he fell breaking the contact, eyes shining in your direction and then you sighed, climbing onto his lap without saying a word and then you went back to kissing, the butterflies fluttered through your stomach, as if everything inside you had come back together, every racing heartbeat and sigh was for jiseok and one and only, your head clouded and you didn't think twice about advancing the other's mouth with your tongue, in a sequence of murmurs and sighs you began to synchronize, steady, spinning and battling.

jiseok's hands held your  shirt by the hem and pulled, breaking the kiss for a while and then getting rid of your shirt, doing the same with his soon after, right there, in the practice room of his house. you pulled his lip between your teeth and smiled, kissing him again, touching his bare torso with your fingers, delicate, given subtle touches in order to make the skin crawl, climb the destiny to the colored hair and hold him by the nape holding firmly, touching the trunks breaking any space that existed between you.

jiseok moved his hands up your back, making a trail to the clasp of your bra and quickly released it, you sighed over his lips and let go for a second to get rid of the underwear; soon you can feel his firm hands cupping your breasts, massaging, daringly playing with your nipples, circling  with his index fingers making you sigh, moan low and then start moving your hips over his cock, looking for contact and relief.

 The bodies getting involved madly in love, kisses and subtle touches on the surface, marking the skin with passion, taking sincere moans from both lips, getting lost in the immensity, your lips kissing him down all over the neck, touching with delicacy, feeling the smell, the texture, marking with the warm breath with each whimper you gave every time you felt his covered cock stimulating in the right way, when you felt the firm sensation of his touches on your breasts, bringing shivers down your back, Leaving you to Jiseok and only him.

Jiseok stopped for a moment, turned around taking you to lie down on the couch slowly, eyes locked on each other and you felt connected with him, like never before did you feel that you two finally got on the same page. Jiseok kissed down your neck, nibbling, tracing with his tongue, his hands over your breasts still he continued down, making his way between them, kissing, keeping the nipples firm between his fingers. He continued his way to your belly, kissing every centimeter, the low moans that came out of your lips served as a certain incentive, then his hands held the waistband of your pants, pulling them down along with your panties in moments, leaving you naked on the hips, his eyes, like never before jiseok saw you completely without clothes which made his dick throb inside the pants he wore

"You are so beautiful" you smiled embarrassed and moaned soon after, feeling gaon's hands opening your legs so he could see you. The kisses running down your stomach, touching your skin, passing over your inner thighs and then with his thumb he explored your region, with the cold fingertip eliciting an incoherent noise from your lips, you literally dripping in pleasure, biting your lip and mouth. trembling took over your body at the touch of the tongue, sliding, majestic, circling your button and sucking like it was a bullet, you don't know where so much practice came from, but you didn't reject the affection, you felt his hands touching your thigh with affection, eyes attentive in what you were doing and you completely losing your mind.

You felt every part of your body burn in a unique sensation, letting go of everything that once made you close your mouth about how you felt about jiseok and the stupidity of having waited so long to feel that way

"baby please continue" you meowed and got a grunt in response, all in your field of vision was the split hairs of your colors in the mess it often is, you never imagined you needed Jiseok between your legs until that moment and now everything seemed to be lost.

Jiseok played with his tongue over your entrance, circling and entering gently, taking your juice desperately, moaning against your pussy like a  crying dog. Now and then he circles and sucks your spot like a toy, pulling from your lips the most promiscuous and beautiful sounds ever heard. Your hands touching the strands of his hair from the front, leaving his face on display and you can see how devoted he was, moaning against your clit, his eyes now intent on yours making you lose your mind again, jiseok wanted to see your every expression and that gave his dick a nice twinge with every taste of the pleasure you felt.

"I will…fuck I'm l-almost" then fingers thrust in, without warning. You moaned something and started rocking your hips towards him, jiseok sucking everything from you and fucking you with his fingers, then you sat down, desperately spilling, biting your lip to contain screaming and then jiseok drank all your liquid, stopping little by little, mounted you with wet lips and chin, licking himself with pleasure

"You're amazing" he said just like that, as he got rid of his pants along with his boxers, making his hardened cock pop out, giving you such a privilege; jiseok helped you to sit down and then he placed himself correctly waiting for you.

 Still panting you knelt down on the sofa and held his cock by the base, jiseok grunted, caressed the top of your head and then gave you permission. You masturbated him, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, ran your thumb over the glans and when the nail started to come out, you mounted it, fitting it over the entrance and it started to slide. Jiseok grabbed your hips to help you and then you rested a bit. You smiled at each other without saying a word and then you started rocking, feeling his cock moving inside you, rubbing against your walls, eliciting beautiful moans from your lips. Jiseok kept a firm hand on your hip, helping the back and forth movement, moaning softly, still maintaining intense eye contact with you little by little your body picked up the rhythm, your arms around his neck and then you joined your bodies , jiseok moaned with the feeling of your breasts pressed over him and kept you in the embrace, running the tip of his tongue over your earlobe, releasing shortly after the sounds in your honor.

 Your  low belly tugged, your fingers returning to the hair on the back of his neck and then you pulled, stroked the chorus, throwing yourself into his arms for support in the thrusts. In a few moments jiseok moved his against your hip, fucking deep, making you moan thinner, more desperate at that time, his fingers marking your skin desperately.

"I-I'm gonna…c-cum" jiseok said with a soft tone in his voice. You didn't stop, you rocked on top of his dick keeping pace, jiseok started moaning louder and then he held you tight fucking you hard, popping noises all over the soundproof space, kissing and biting your neck and then filling you right away after.

You held on, now letting go of the hug you let jiseok play with your breasts while you continued to move, pushing his cum inside you, with soft tones of moans that started to grow again, even sensitized jiseok was pleased with the sight of you rocking and reaching your limit on his dick right after

"M-my god" you whimpered laying your head on his shoulder, feeling his nosy hands leak down to your ass, pulling in a grip that made your pussy contract even around his cock.

"Next time just tell me, I wouldn't think twice about fucking you" complained jiseok groping your ass "I just don't want to have the pleasure of sharing you with anyone in that damn band, you belong to me"

The cold ran through your belly, you murmured getting off of jiseok and fell to the side on the sofa, sitting next to him.

"I say even to you, don't you dare" you stared breathlessly. Jiseok welcomed you with a smile and then moved to the floor, kneeling between your legs, placing them on his shoulders to keep them open "round two"

He dictated without saying a word after, licking all the cum that oozed from her pussy to go back to sucking you.

[malka-lisitsa]

🙄 ; What are your biggest pet peeves when it comes to tumblr?

I'm gonna get hate for this but fuck it we ball.

purity culture

the idea that you can make an OC out of a canon character but keep the back story and the name and all the connections. That makes no sense that's just saying you dont want to write them correctly and covering your ass-

Portrayal. And how no one fucking cares about it anymore. Everyone is great at what they do and there is NO room for improvements and you obviously dont have to do your character justice when you can just do whatever you want with them instead fuck if it makes sense youre only writing a real character and not an oc but ITS COOL RIGHT? WHY BE GOOD WHEN YOU CAN JUST DO WHATEVER??

I will die on this hill for all eternity, portrayal fucking matters and I refuse to fall into the crowd that supports "do whatever!" culture.

Oc's in canon settings that don't make sense. I remember back when I was in thg fandom people tripped over themselves to make sure their oc matched lore. People researched named winners of what games and they like actually gave a damn about making their oc as canon as possible. Without being needlessly rude that is not a thing anymore :)

people who go out of their way to scream they are super fucking nice just the sweetest ever just the nicest sweetest little bean never has a bad thing to say about anyone super sweet over the top- and its because they are a trash person trying so hard to hide they are a trash person. You look fake. You sound fake. Whoa shocker, you're fake. This is why I have zero problem being real about the things that I say and do. I am the first person to tell you Im a bitch, but im also the first person to step out on the front lines if you need someone. See they're not mutually exclusive I don't need a show to be nice.

the idea that constructive criticism is hate. Just bc you don't like it doesn't mean that someone who said you weren't perfect is sending hate. I saw this a LOT in 2k12 bro people genuinely trying to help got flamed bc god forbid someone improve.

attention seeking on the dash- Excessive "WILL YOU PLEASE LIKE THIS IF YOU LIKE ME AND MY MUSES PLEASE??" Bruh. Stop. If they follow you most likely they like you. Chill or they're probably gonna stop. Self fulfilling prophecy.

the idea that you don't owe anyone an explanation for blocking. If you have written extensively, and been friends for a long time yes tf you do owe an explanation even if its "You pushed my boundaries too often after I told you x thing" and then blocking them. But you owe a friend an explanation. Communicate. Don't be a coward. No sense in ditching a friend when you could idk talk about it but ok. this does not apply to randos.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Huh, you raise an interesting point regarding Colt, I tend to see him written as just being like tat and it is possible. But I actually think it'd be more interesting if he was a fairly normal (By the standards of is background) guy who became abusive in response to the realization he was dying because of the magic trinket he used to make him kid.

This would also make it smoother for Amelie to have not noticed as his behaviors would be explicitly rooted in the trinket and his upcoming death as opposed to rooted in a longstanding ideology. Plus, for all tat he can be sneaky Felix isn't subtle, I don't think he'd be able to obscure that he hated and feared his dad if he had ALWAYS hated and feared him, nor would he be as fond of his mother as he is if it was a longstanding thing she was unaware of.

More to the point, I like it because I find way too many people treat being an abuser as an inherent part to a person. Its basically the same as "born evil"; people don't want to consider that they or someone they love could be an abuser or could become one. There has to be something about the people who act like that, when in reality no, anyone can, which is actually much more frightening.

Historical aside:

After WW2 an American scientist did an experiment to determine if there was something innate to Germans that would make them willing to do such evils ad the Holocaust.

He started his experiment by getting a bunch of upstanding, regular Americans together under the pretense of a scientific experiment to help improve/save the world.

He had a military man there to assure people it was all legit, and all they needed do was press this button. On the other side of a screen an actor would seem to be tortured and eventually flatline.

His theory was that no normal, good person would continue to knowingly hurt someone just because they were told to.

Suffice to say by the time he was done with the Americans the 'death' rate was so high, that he determined it wasn't worth doin the experiment on Germans. If people can be convinced they were doing it for the right reasons and an authority figure told them it was good and necessary, he found most people would end up killing.

Oh yeah it's!

While there's some people out there that are just Assholes™, a lot of people are bad because of circumstances. It doesn't excuse it, of course. But to say that someone who is currently 'bad' has always been bad and will never be able to improve is..... yikes. Not to mention the crossover of 'good' and 'bad' in that people assume that someone abusive can't also be loving or do genuinely good things, which they totally can! Love and good deeds don't erase the abuse of course, but they're not mutually exclusive because people are complicated.

And we have no idea what kind of person Colt was.

Sure. Maybe Colt was abusive anyway. Maybe he already was abusive before the Peacock. Maybe he was already on the edge and looking for an 'excuse' and if it wasn't this then it'd be something else.

But maybe he was chill and only became abusive after getting tricked by his brother-in-law into doing something that would slowly kill him, and getting frustrated by slowly encroaching disability that came with it and facing his own death sentence. Like that's a lot to deal with and yeah someone usually okay may snap and take it out on the person he can.

[orthodoxadventure]

Do you ever fear gods not real? Its my biggest fear in life. Do you have any prayers for a deeper faith?

Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” - Mark 9:23-24

Doubt does not in itself signify lack of faith. It may mean the opposite – that our faith is alive and growing. For faith implies not complacency but taking risks, not shutting ourselves off from the unknown but advancing boldly to meet it. -- Kallistos Ware, The Orthodox Way

Because faith is not logical certainty but a personal relationship, and because this personal relationship is as yet very incomplete in each of us and needs continually to develop further, it is by no means impossible for faith to coexist with doubt. The two are not mutually exclusive. Perhaps there are some who by God’s grace retain throughout their life the faith of a little child, enabling them to accept without question all that they have been taught. For most of those living in the West today, however, such an attitude is simply not possible. We have to make our own the cry, ‘Lord, I believe: help my unbelief’ (Mark 9:24). For very many of us this will remain our constant prayer right up to the very gates of death. – Kallistos Ware, The Orthodox Way

Certainly, I have (and do) struggle with the faith. But we must understand faith is not just a state of being, but an action. When we have struggles with our faith, there can be a tendency to let our faith life falter: perhaps we stop attending Church, perhaps we begin neglecting our prayers or our reading of Scripture. When really, what we need to be doing during those periods, is revitalising those aspects and clinging onto them. And in the act of doing so, we can find ourselves also uniting our state of being with faith.

The very act of asking for prayers to strengthen or deepen your faith, is an act of faith itself. Although it might not feel like that. The act of wanting to believe in God, is very much an act of believing in God. I would very much recommend speaking to your Priest, and speaking about some of your struggles with the faith. Perhaps its dryness in prayer, perhaps its not feeling the benefit of attending Church. Often, our doubt comes from particular aspects of the faith that we aren't feeling a positive outcome from. When our prayer life feels very dry (for example), and though we are just repeating or saying words to no benefit, then we can attribute this to the distancing of God or that God perhaps isn't real. But in reality, we just aren't seeing the visible fruits of prayer in a way that we would like. Your perseverance with prayer, is in a lot of ways, of great benefit to you. I know you asked for prayers, but I would also recommend the book 'Beginning to Pray' by Anthony Bloom. It often talks about feeling distant from God and so on, and perhaps it can be of some benefit to you. Speak also, of your struggles with believing in God to God. Talk to Him. You don't need to hide anything from Him. It's perfectly okay to admit you are struggling to Him.

As for prayers, I would recommend the 'Lord I believe, help my unbelief'. Pray it often, especially at the start of any spiritual task like other prayers, attending Church, or reading Scripture. The Creed also would be a good prayer to incorporate into your daily prayer life if it's not a part of it already.

Something I would also recommend is the praying of the Psalms. Both because the Psalms are of immense strength and comfort to us, but it will also tie in with the encouragement and perseverance of reading Scripture.

If you don't have a prayer rule already, then I would recommend adopting the prayer rule of Saint Seraphim of Sarov:

“Let any Christian, upon arising from sleep stand before the holy icons, and read the Lord’s Prayer “Our Father” thrice, in honor of the Most-holy Trinity, then the hymn to the Theotokos “O Theotokos and Virgin, rejoice…” three times as well, and finally, the Symbol of Our Faith once. Having completed this rule, let each one attend to the tasks to which he was appointed or to which he is called.

“Going to bed, let any Christian again read the above-mentioned morning rule. Thereafter, let him go to sleep, having protected himself with the sign of the Cross.” Fr. Seraphim said “Keeping this rule, it is possible, to reach Christian perfection, for the three prayers indicated are the foundation of Christianity. The first, as the payer given [to us] by Christ Himself, is the model for all prayers. The second was brought from Heaven by the Archangel to greet the Virgin Mary, the Mother of Our Lord. The Symbol [of our faith] contains in brief all of the salvific dogmas of the Christian Faith.” [source, along with each of the prayers]

Hopefully some of this will be of some benefit to you. May God bless, strength, and comfort you!

[alicelufenia]

would you recommend pursuing a minthara romance with her current state?

and follow-up questions—can a resisting durge still work with minthara? will she hate us? do you have to go all or nothing?

Despite every Minthara fan's protestations she is literally the most stable and accessible ever right now.

Her romance dialogue works, as little as it is (you "only" need external tools to access one set of dialogue, whereas before it was two or more, but even then it wasn't a big deal). Her kisses from patch 6 are 🔥🔥FIRE🔥🔥 and have a chance to trigger an easter egg dialogue where you feel strange after one of your kisses. Pretty sure that's unique to her, so that's cool.

Knocking her out in a "side with the Grove" run is as simple as using non-lethal damage on the last blow. She has banter with and comments on every other companion (except Halsin; they used to be mutually exclusive so they'll just ignore each other. Honestly preferable to them remaining exclusive)

As usual the most reliable way to recruit her is still to side with the goblins which is not everyone's cup of tea. If you can though, it is EASILY the best experience; her act 1 romance is incredible and ties in beautifully with her recruitment in act 2 (hint: enter her mind rather than fighting the guards first)

It's also recommended cause she still doesn't have an act 3 romance scene. The quest to retrieve Orin's Netherstone effectively becomes her companion quest, which is okay. Romancing her without her act 1 scene is still totally possible, get ready to say and do some questionable things (not too bad tho: my Tav is Oath of Devotion and I have 89 approval in act 3 without breaking my oath)

Resisting Durge CAN still romance Minthara, they have an epilogue scene together and everything. Telling her you intend to resist will earn you a warning that she'll end the relationship, but nothing happens if you do. The only thing that will end your relationship is cheating on her. On the upside, that means lots of reactions to everything you can do by end game.

Hotfix 21 added dialogue where she claims to break up with Redeemed Durge after rejecting Bhaal, then hotfix 22 removed it (it didn't actually end the relationship so Larian only knows why) Minthara fans have STRONG opinions one way or the other as to whether this addition/removal was good or bad (my opinion is that no reaction is less satisfying than SOME reaction, but especially with Larian's announcement that they will end creating new content for bg3 soon, we can't realistically expect anything more here either way)

Bottom line: you can romance her in any playthrough, you just need the approval. She has by far the least romance content out of all the companions except maybe Halsin, but if you enjoy her dialogue and like to headcanon-fill in the blanks you will still have a good time (I certainly have!)

Every Origin character has special lines and epilogues with her too. Fan favorites seem to be Karlach and Gale (don't know anything about the others personally)

Thanks for your question, hope that helped!

[dukeofankh]

Masculine and feminine are not inherently opposites or mutually exclusive, no matter what some people might think.

Imagine I am trying to write a good action movie. There are a lot of dipshits out there who think that action movies and, say, romance movies, are fundamentally opposites. They are wrong. And it becomes obvious once you start trying to give someone advice on how to write an action movie.

If someone says "a good action movie has relatable characters", the person saying "oh, so romance movies can't have relatable characters?" is just as off base as the person saying "right! Action movies have amazing awesome relatable characters, not like stupid romance movies, that absolutely can't."

If someone asks, "How do I be a good man?" and someone suggests "you should stand up for people who need help", commenting "oh, so women don't do that?" and "yes, what a TRUE MASCULINE VIRTUE THAT WOMEN CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND" are both unhelpful distracting bullshit.

[candyskiez]

Yo, what do you think about jasper, her arc and character as a whole?

(Also your explanation of pearl was so good I loved it)

oooo good question!

jasper, imo, is a very good portrayal of an abuser. she's so realistic, dude. she isn't evil, mustache twirling. she's a person who's abusive and THATS what makes her relationship with lazuli gutwrenching. because it's something you'd see in real life. it's not black and white. it's two deeply fucked up and traumatized people hurting each other. it's not good vs evil. it's two people who are horrible for each other.

jasper is just. extremely realistic to me. she's someone who hurts people around her to make them stay, to make them look at her and admit that she's strong. she needs constant external validation because nothing fills that void in her life of someone treating her better. she hurts everyone and then is crushed by them leaving. she's so interesting because she NEEDS people near her but shes the one shoving them out. she's the one constantly hurting them and they leave to get away from being mistreated. it's. she has so much pressure and experiences so much constant mistreatment and she's convinced it's what makes her strong, it's what makes her special. to admit she's hurting would be to be weak. she convinces herself anyone leaving is a sign of weakness. it's not because of *her*, it's not because what she's like is bad. because admitting how she treats people is wrong is admitting how SHE was treated is wrong. and she can't do that. she can't handle reevaluating her entire identity being the next battle and the next fight and how much pain she can take. she can't let herself even consider changing, because that means admitting she was miserable. and only a weak gem would hate how they're supposed to be.

she's a victim and an abuser, those things aren't mutually exclusive and I wish people wouldn't act like they were. she was hurt so fucking badly, and she also hurt so many people so fucking badly.

her "everyone I fuse with leaves me" was haunting, man. it's, again, a very accurate depiction of an abuser who was caught in the cycle. you want to grab her and shake her and say, stop you're hurting yourself you're ruining your own life. but she refuses to see it and she refuses to get better and it. hurts to watch.

I see her as a cautionary tale. nobody can force you to change. YOU have to look at yourself and ask if you're the problem. YOU have to look at how you treat others before you scream that they left you. YOU have to look at your life and ask, is this what I want?

she's a cautionary tale and works well as one.

there is one thing I don't really like and that's how her being shattered was handled? her being shattered completely and then some how brought back was. Cheap, ngl. although her reaction to being shattered was. fucking terrifying. obviously from stevens point of view but also it's just so fucking telling about her mental state. she romanticized being shattered. she romanticized the thought of dying gloriously in battle. she respected steven for shattering her. it's just. fucking *horrifying.* did she WANT to be shattered? holy shit, is jasper suicidal ? the implications are. Awful. I don't want her to be around the others because she keeps hurting them but at the same time I'm going "someone fucking HELP her!" but she doesn't WANT help and it's. it's fucking hard to watch. she's so set on her own destruction and it's physically painful. she can't get better until *she* decides she wants to. that's the only way her pains going to stop.

I also don't like the way steven shattered her. I wish it was portrayed more how his thoughts of shattering white was. his anger, his trauma towards her, his hatred of how much pain she gave him and the fact he's just supposed to be FINE with it now. shattering jasper, though it told us a lot about her, ultimately felt repetitive? because I mean, we already get steven's urge to shatter white. and it's handled a little better. maybe steven going too far and severely damaging jaspers gem and her still being impressed to make the audience go "jasper wtf are you good" and "OH SHIT STEVEN" at the same time, while also adding more weight to his anger at white diamond,, I dunno, this is my scattered ramblings.

I get why some people wanted a redemption arc for jasper. I don't think there was enough time to make a satisfying one. I do think she could potentially heal still, but she HAS to realize it herself. everyone keeps trying to give her tools to heal, she refuses to take them. she has to start working on herself. I'm not against a jasper redemption whatsoever, hell I think if done right it could be good.

a thing I do want to say though, FUCK the idea of her getting back with lapis. they are *horrible* for each other. and I mean this both ways. both of them hurt and traumatized each other. lapis was miserable with her and *jasper was too.* they both can heal but they need to do that completely separately thank you very much.

confession, I have an OC named jasper so I was VERY confused by this ask at first. was about to write a five page essay on him. oops 😭 I have to refer to this jasper as jasper (gem) with my friends. which is also hard considering a nickname for jasper (OC) IS gem. and ironically in the steven universe au me and one friend are working on, jasper (oc) is a pearl, not a jasper, and it's. Yeah! we are so good at this.

hope you enjoyed my scrambled ramblings ksgdldjdk. sorry for disjointedness this isn't like a professional meta or anything it's just me rambling about a cool show.

(ask me things!)