#i cannot LOOK at videos without physically feeling pain like. i have never felt like a constant attraction to someone before like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sondepoch · 4 years

Text

HC: MC is more flexible than them!

Perfection is certain. Perfection is solid. Perfection is the body of a demon or an angel, where there is no room (or need) for bones to crack and muscles to stretch. You and Solomon, though? You’re human. Not so “perfect” when compared to the other inhabitants of at RAD—but that just makes it all the more interesting when they finally see the way the human body can crack and bend

Word Count: 5.5k

SFW + mild descriptions of cracking body parts

Characters: All brothers + All Undateables + Luke

MASTERLIST

Lucifer

Instant panic mode

Man just learned that it’s possible for humans to break bones, so when he hears you casually crack your knuckles, he instantly assumes that all your fingers are broken

Finds it even more terrifying when you lean your head back and crack your neck

Honestly, the look of sheer horror on his face would be terrifying if you didn’t find it so funny

Is actually super confused when he realizes that you’re 100% fine but will not lower himself to actually asking you about it. That is not the Lucifer way, and so this man instead decides to secretly binge Satan’s collection of human anatomy instead

But uh, he gets scarily into it

Seriously, you’re starting to get concerned when it’s been nearly two full weeks of Lucifer ignoring you to bury his nose in a book, eyebrows furrowing every goddamn time he finishes one, and still has no clue what that cracking sound is

It’s only when you casually do it at the dinner table and Asmo cringes, complaining about how weird it is that humans get pockets of gas inside certain joints and they actually have to crack it out, to which all his brothers nod their head and cringe when you do it again, that he understands what it is

Has never been more relieved

He isn’t as disturbed by the sound as he was before, so it’s not as fun to tease him with it - but you can count on the fact that if you ever crack anything in his presence, he will pause whatever he’s doing to study you for a moment and make sure your face isn’t contorted in pain or anything

After all, he needs to be completely certain that you haven’t broken a bone

But someone help this man when he realizes how much more flexible humans are compared to demons

The first time you do a backbend in front of him, he actually flinches

Man can’t help but imagine himself in those poses - and no matter how sexy you look when you’re winking at him and stretching your body like it’s glue, his bones would have to be shattered to bits for him to do the same

Quietly asks you not to stretch yourself into such positions in his presence

On the bright side, you can shut him up in the middle of any lecture by “casually” stretching your arms back until the demon is so disturbed that he stops in the middle of his sentence and asks you to leave as soon as possible

All in all, not a big fan - but he can tolerate your antics (if only to save face)

But if you ever show him videos (or even pictures) of a contortionist, he may actually be scarred for the rest of his almost-eternal life

Mammon

Man really needs to learn how to knock

He barges into your room without warning, as usual, only to see you all but straddling the ground, legs spread wide apart as you lean to one side and touch your right toe

It’s the most basic human stretch there is - but it’s terrifying to Mammon

You don’t even get the chance to say hi to him before he’s lifted you onto your feet, pulling you up from under your arms, desperately asking why you weren’t screaming for help

Cannot process the fact that you were actually in that position willingly, much less the notion that it felt remotely good

Of course, you respond to his obvious aversion by showing him all the other ways your body can bend, flopping onto your bed and bending your body into a perfect bridge position

Mammon’s screeches when he sees the arch your back makes

It lowkey gives him nightmares the next night

Also becomes very touchy after he sees you move your body around so comfortably

In his eyes, you’re now the equivalent of a giant teddy bear - and really, what are the differences, now? He uses you for cuddles and hugs, can seemingly bend your body in any way and you’ll bounce back, and your skin is so soft compared to the hardness of his own body

Man actually grows used to your body after a while, holding a strange fascination for the way you can move

Begins to think that it’s cool when you show him how you can crack your knuckles and such

Absolutely makes use of the fact that some of his other brothers hate the sound, casually walking up to them with you by his side and asking them (while you crack your knuckles) to forgive his debts

Works 90% of the time

The 10% when it doesn’t work, though, he gets into trouble

In his free time, though, he actually likes lying with you and trying to figure what other body parts you can crack

Courtesy of Mammon, you learn that you can crack your hip if you stretch at a certain angle

(Bonus:) He one day tries to stretch his body the way you stretch yours and does a basic hamstring stretch on the ground, trying to touch his toes, but the exertion is too much for his inflexible body and he sort of locks a joint, so he’s left on the floor for nearly half an hour until you find him in his room and help him out of it

(Bonus bonus:) After his trauma from the above incident, he immediately goes back to assuming that you’re in great pain every time he sees you do a particularly difficult stretch and instantly lifts your body out of the position, no matter how you protest and say that you’re fine

Leviathan

"What a normie”

That’s the only reaction you get when you crack your knuckles in front of him, eager to see what he’ll do after realizing how much it disturbs his other brothers

Needless to say, you’re disappointed by his utter nonchalance

But that’s only because you have no clue what happens to Levi when he runs to his room and closes his door, jumping into his bathtub with a shook expression on his face

“Oh my god!” He squeals. “iT wAs LiKE iN tHe aNImES”

Nah, fr tho

Man has seen more than enough human-world shows which feature characters cracking their knuckles before getting down to work, so he’s pretty familiar with the concept

Like many things in anime, he was only 60% sure that it was real

But you actually did it

And it was in real life

Man is practically fanboying over a perfectly normal phenomenon

While you’re sitting in the living room, thinking that he was utterly unfazed by it :(

But when the two of you have a whole year to spend together under the same roof, it’s honestly inevitable that the truth comes out

“You like it?” You ask, pure confusion settling over your faces. After all, he’s the first of the brothers to not be utterly horrified by your little habit

“N-no!” Levi shouts, hiding his face. “I mean, maybe...just a little...sort of...but not in the normie way!”

Boi is too cute for his own good

Of course, you humor him and proceed to crack every single joint you can think of, sending a wink Levi’s way

It would be so easy to tease him, wouldn’t it? To mess with him and call him strange, to compare to his brothers and remind him that you’re not an anime character - and that anime is, in fact, based on humans, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that humans could crack their knuckles the way he’s seen online

But, he’s too precious. And too cute. And he’s too adorable, staring at you with that utterly captivated expression, so you can’t help but humor him again, asking if he wants to see some of the other differences between humans and demons

And when you show him how you can bend your body, man is shook all over again

He 100% thought that the absurd stretches (like a split? how preposterous) were merely fabrications of animation - flourishes added in by animators to make the visuals more interesting

But seeing you move like that? And when you show him the other stuff?

Congratulations. Boi is officially convinced that humans are more interesting that anime can ever be.

Satan

One of the few demons who was already familiar with the fact that humans are ridiculously flexible and can crack nearly everything in their body

He was actually the one to approach you about it

“Stretch for me, human.”

Or well, the same thing but in less blunt words

Actually invites you to have tea with him where he first broaches the subject, confirming that you'll be fully comfortable with everything he wants to study

Lmao man really arranges to have a safe word in case he pushes you too far

Once you’ve agreed to letting him study how the human body can bend and crack, the two of you set a time and meet up in his room (and yes, he does clear his books out of the way to make room for you)

And so the stretching begins

It actually feels quite awkward at first with Satan showing you pictures from human world yoga books and asking you to mimic them, taking notes in a book on everything

Gets really excited when he realizes that your flexibility is a function of how often you stretch, and once he realizes that you’re able to go a little farther each day, he becomes lowkey obsessed with finding out whether there's a limit or not

Boi may or may not secretly try to stretch in his own room in case demons are just naturally less flexible and need to stretch regularly to become like humans

Also almost breaks his arm attempting that, so he never tries it again

The whole ordeal fits itself into your routine after long enough: after school, you go to Satan’s room and do yoga while he jots down notes on how your body moves, and after everything is done the two of you have tea

Satan never touches you while you’re stretching for fear that he’ll physically push you into something uncomfortable, but when you explain that certain positions are easier to hold if someone helps, he’ll definitely try to be a helping hand

He starts out really tentatively, hesitant that he’ll be too strong and will push you to the floor or something, but he’s pleasantly surprised to find that humans are more resilient than he’d initially thought

After his notebook is filled with notes and he’s suitably convinced that all his questions are sated, he’ll express his gratitude and tell you that you don’t need to continue

But if you tell him that you’ve been enjoying your time together, man will 100% clear that space in his room permanently, so that you can spend time there together while Satan asks you calming questions about your day and you stretch the tension of the day out of your muscles

Asmodeus

Jelly boi

Nah but fr

Man couldn’t care less about your ability to crack your knuckles and neck - if anything, he finds the habit to be irritating

But boi is jealous when he sees how easily you can bend your body and stretch into positions that even he can’t

Obviously, his mind is in the gutter when he’s thinking about the way your body can bend - but he’s equally furious of the fact that human skin is so much softer than demon skin

Like, yes. Most demons have near-perfect skin because of its taut texture - and yes, that gives them the illusion of perfection

But human skin, blemished as it is, is like a teddy bear next to a rock when compared to demon skin

And obviously Asmo’s skin is softer than everyone else’s (this man is NOT skimping out when it comes to his skincare routine), but it infuriates him that his skin isn’t as soft as yours

Of course, man bounces back quicker than anyone else (as expected)

He grows content with the texture of his own skin the moment he realizes how easily penetrable human skin is - namely when he’s doing homework with you and he sees your skin get sliced open by paper, of all things (man nearly chokes when he learns that this is a regular occurrence for humans)

But he never quite loses his fixation for the human body

It’s highkey the reason why he likes touching you so much - your skin is softer than some Devildom blankets! If he could fall asleep with your arms wrapped around him every night, he absolutely would

But he won’t genuinely request that of you unless you explicitly offer, so he’ll settle for simply hugging you at every opportunity

Ofc, the moment he grows content with the texture of his skin, he’s jealous of your flexibility all over again, so it’s kind of nuts

You eventually have to sit him down and tell him all the downfalls of being able to bend yourself into awkward positions (ex: getting stuck in said position or causing a cramp) for him to finally be content with his own body once more

The moment he’s back to normal, all the usual flirtatious jokes come back and he’s offering to let you show him the ways your body can bend

You deny instantly

But if he ever takes you to a club and has the opportunity to dance with you, do a body roll

Man will get on his knees if that’s what it takes to have you do it again

And then he’ll whisk you off to his room, stubbornly ignoring his brother’s protests, declaring that he needs to “reeducate” himself in the art of dance, and that you’re going to be his teacher

And hey - give him a private show while you’re at it ;)

Beelzebub

The first time you crack your knuckles in front of him, he’s eating

Man doesn’t really register it, just assumes that he bit something crunchy

The second time you do it, it’s in his and Belphie’s room - and Belphie is taking a nap

Man gets a little suspicious, because the sound definitely came from your end, but he dismisses it and decides that the sound must have been a hitch in Belphie’s breathing

But the third time, the two of you are alone

And Beel’s protective instincts come rushing to the surface when he realizes that you really are the one making that sound

“Are you dying?”

First question, no matter what. Man has heard of medical conditions that cause bones to become brittle and crumbly, so he needs to know

Then again, he won’t really believe you when you tell him the truth

“You can...crack stuff at will?”

beelisconfuzzled.exe

You have to show him methodically, portion by portion, which of your body parts you can crack

He isn’t disturbed by the sound (he’s eaten things which sound much worse, he can assure you) but man is intrigued

(”But how?” He’ll inevitably ask, struggling to yank his own knuckles off in an attempt to crack them and get that feeling of satisfaction you kept talking about)

All in all,he has a decent reaction - probably one of the only people who won’t overreact about the information

But then the fateful day comes

And he cracks your back

It happens while he’s giving you a big bear hug, proud of you after you came running to tell him about a good grade you got in Devildom Literature - and he places his palm on your back in just the right area, pressing down as he hugs you

And pop

Man is so mortified, he almost drops you

You, on the other hand, cannot be more pleased with this development

“Again! Again!” You shout, trying to get him to repeat the action - but while Beel loves hugging you, cracking your back is something he’s not willing to risk

“It’s okay when you do it, because you know how much your back can take” is his biggest argument. "But I don't."

And unfortunately, calling him a chicken won’t work when you try to convince him otherwise :(

What will work, however, is convincing Beel that this can be a sort of strength training - because he needs to have full control of his body to do it right

He’ll agree to do it once (mainly because you’ve been begging for so long)

But, obviously, “once” means as many times as you want, from there on out ;)

Belphegor

It’s one of the few times where Belphie isn’t in tune with his brother

And he hates it

He doesn’t understand how Beel isn't disturbed by the sound - every time you crack your knuckles, it sends a shudder straight down Belphie’s spine

And it’s not the ick factor taking place. It’s just that Belphie can’t help that his mind wanders to darker places whenever you do something like that, the sound abruptly reminding him of his time in the Celestial War and all the awful things he heard there

Like others, the sound reminds him of how weak you really are

And so, if you ever crack your knuckles around him, expect him to leave instantly

He’s the one brother who will never learn to tolerate it - not when he can remove himself from the situation so easily

And honestly, it’s kind of amazing how sharp his ears are

Is he taking a nap on your lap? If you think you can subtly crack anything without his eyes shooting open, you’re wrong

Is he preparing dinner with you in the kitchen? Nope, the sound of boiling water will not cover the sound of your body stretching too far, and Belphie will shoot you a glare before swiftly exiting the room

Is he simply doing homework with you in the RAD library? You’d think that the sound of chatter from the table next to you would hide the noise you make when you subtly lean back to crack your back, but Belphie is gathering his things mere seconds later, huffing and muttering under his breath

So yeah

Not a fan

On the other hand, he loves how accommodating your body is in terms of how flexibly you are

It brings him great joy, honestly, to just watch you flop your arms around aimlessly because humans’ movements are so fluid, so smooth, so unhindered by the rigid joints of demons

And, obviously, your flexibility makes for better naps

He likes to sleep next to you with his arms wrapped around your waist while you latch onto him in whatever position you deem comfortable

Without a doubt, the position you find is something that would be wholly impossible for a demon (how are you bending your legs that much?!) and it sometimes scares him to realize the full extents of your flexibility (can all humans twist their arms like that, or is it just you?) but he loves that you use your body’s oddities to pull him closer

And he’ll never deny you a comfortable nap if you’re willing to cuddle so readily

Never

Unless you crack your knuckles, that is

Solomon

Life is war and cracking body parts is your only weapon

Aka nonstop competitions between you and our resident wizard boy, both of you cracking body parts back and forth until one of you either fails or runs out of things to crack

Knuckles? Come on, are you even trying? Give him something less basic

Back? Oh yeah. Both sides, too - and the loud ones

Hips? You didn’t think it was possible, but Solomon will look you in the eye and hit one side of his hip, the movement a prelude to an instant CRACK which rings out oh-so-gloriously from the other end

Ribs? You realized you could crack them once and never stopped - you’re actually the one to teach Solomon how to do this

Neck? Always the finisher. So loud, and so satisfying

Neither the House of Lamentation nor Purgatory Hall ever wants to have the two of you over at the same time, because the residents know that you and Solomon will have these competitions. And they absolutely hate it.

So what do you do?

Go to the library and disturb the demons there, of course

It actually becomes a pretty sick form of payback to all the annoying demons that look down on the two of you for being humans, because they always cringe so hard when you guys do this

The two of you have deduced that the sound of knuckles cracking is the demon equivalent to the sound of nails on a chalkboard

And you fucking run wild with it

No one wants to piss either of you off, because you’ll both glare at the demon in question and proceed to crack every body part known to mankind (like seriously - it’s reached the point where you guys can crack your TOES, and if that isn’t absolutely amazing, then you don’t know what is)

It actually highkey annoys the demons in your classes, because you guys always crack everything right before an exam and while it helps you focus better, it effectively ruins their concentration

Ofc you guys don’t really care so they can suck it

But uh

Okay so the demons at RAD may or may not get fed up of you both one day and petition for Diavolo to instate a “No cracking body parts” rule in school

So yeah your primary source of entertainment sort of disappears after that point

But no worries, you and Solomon head to the downtown shopping districts instead and become the BEST hagglers in town

“Hey, can we get these shirts on a discount? Huh? You don’t do discounts?

*Aggressively cracks everything until the demon just wants them out of the store*

“How about now BICH?”

Simeon

You’re actually not the one to introduce Simeon to the idea of humans being able to crack their body parts at will

No, it’s Solomon who steals that pleasure from you

But will Simeon ever let the sorcerer know just how much it unnerves him? Absolutely not. So what does our beloved angel do?

Why, there’s only one option

Come running straight to you.

Man is disturbed. Honestly, disturbed is phrasing it lightly. If he were in his angel form, you’d be able to see how his feathers ruffle and flutter at the very thought of that sound

Needless to say, he hates it

(You 100% consider cracking your knuckles in front of him, just to tease him, but you decide against it)

See, Simeon is an angel. And that means 99% of the time, he’s surrounded by other holy spirits, all of which have bodies molded to perfection that simply cannot crack the way yours can. Whereas demons are forced into human interaction a little more (oft when they're summoned), Simeon really isn’t used your fragility, no matter how much he tries to remind himself of it

So yeah

He hates it

On the other hand - man loves how flexible humans are

The first time you flop down onto your bed, assuming a position that would be impossible for any demon or angel to take but is deemed “comfortable” by you, Simeon is enraptured

It’s not sexual, he just thinks it’s really amazing that you have so much control over your body when he can hardly do a standing glute stretch without breaking a limb

It’s almost funny, his fixation

Actually no - it’s not almost funny. It is wholly and completely hilarious, and you will not stop leading him further down this rabbit hole

When you send this man picture of an contortionist, he’s utterly mesmerized

Show him human ballet, and he will not stop watching it

So yeah

He appreciates parts of the human body, hates others - but as long as you never crack your muscles in front of him, he’s down

Also - after you’ve thoroughly interested him in the art of being a human, he may just write about it in his next book. If you read the next set of chronicles detailed by Christopher Peugeot, you already know who the “feisty but good-hearted human who can bend themselves into a pretzel” is based on

(Bonus: Do a body roll in front of him and he might faint - man knew the human body could but like that? You might just have corrupted an angel)

Luke

“So...cool...!”

Boi loves it

He cheers you on like a champ, laughing merrily as you crack your knuckles into oblivion, scaring away the other residents in Purgatory Hall

And no matter how many times Simeon warns him not to urge you on (”The human already has no sense of self-preservation, and you don’t need to help that along,” he said), Luke can’t help but watch with excited eyes as you show him how different the human body is

He’s almost like Levi with his ardent admiration, and he honestly finds nothing disturbing about the sound of you cracking knuckles

Just finds it cool

It actually serves as a catalyst for his relationship with Solomon, because Luke will 100% go up to him and ask him whether he can crack his body like you, and obviously, the man will laugh and prove that centuries of knowledge have made him better than the average human - even in this area

But yeah

You can really see his inner child come out

(Though don’t say that last part out loud - he’ll ignore you for three days in an attempt to be “mature” before you convince him to accept your apology)

But really - he may be the only person who can not only tolerate the quirks of your body, but openly endorses all of them

On the downside, though, he’ll also try to crack his knuckles...which won’t bode too well, given that his body was built to perfection by God

Boi almost rips his finger off

Simeon proceeds to instate a no-cracking-knuckles rule within Purgatory Hall to discourage any further attempts from Luke

But you know what he didn’t ban?

Backflips.

It doesn’t matter if you can or you can’t do them - Luke will happen to see a video of a human doing one (ahem, Solomon showed him it in an attempt to stir up trouble), and now he’s begging you to do the same thing in real life

Which doesn’t work out too well, given that backflips are hard

And you may not be successful 100% of the time

And obviously, Simeon eventually finds out that the two of you have moved onto a new fixation, and so he instate the no-backflips-in-Purgatory-Hall rule

But you know what he didn’t ban?

Cartwheels.

And so it continues on and on, indefinitely because the only way to cease your and Luke’s shenanigans would be to ban humans in Purgatory Hall, and Solomon is thankfully preventing him from doing that

Barbatos

Hates it, hates it, hates it

More than any of the brothers, more than any of the angels - this man loathes every oddity of the human body that makes it different from a demon’s

But not for the reasons you’d expect

See, it’s not the sound that bothers Barbatos

No, he’s heard the screams of the damned before. You cracking a few measly knuckles hardly makes him flinch as he pours your tea

But what Barbatos does hate is the fact that he doesn’t know what it means

Every single time you crack a knuckle in his presence, it doesn’t matter if the prince himself is speaking, because Barbatos’s eyes will fly straight to you

And yes - you guessed it:

Barbatos can’t tell the difference between the sound of you cracking your knuckles and the sound of you breaking a bone.

And for that reason, he hates it

It’s hardly his fault - he doesn’t even know if there is a difference between the two sounds. But this butler has no faith in you and no faith in humanity as a whole, so every time you crack your knuckles, it sends a rush of worry straight to his stomach, and the demon has to watch you for a solid ten seconds to make sure that you haven’t actually hurt yourself

Poor man

He’s the kind of guy to take everything in stride, so he'll probably never tell you how much he hates it when you crack your knuckles (and honestly, what would he say? “Hi, can you please stop cracking your knuckles because I care about you and it makes me concerned for your health???” No, that’s not going to work. And he doesn't know what will work, so he suffers in silence)

Seeing you stretch is even worse

It can be a casual stretch, simply pulling your arms above your head just slightly beyond what would be physically possible for a normal demon, but it sends a chill to Barbatos’s heart, and he’s worried all over again

See, when you crack your knuckles, at least it’s over. But when you stretch? Sometimes you hold your position for a minute, if not more - and Barbatos simply can’t turn away because he’s terrified that he will, and you’ll somehow hurt yourself

So yeah

No rest for this butler, not as long as you’re going around with that weak body of yours and are cracking and stretching your way into oblivion

On the bright side, it means that he’s almost always watching over you when you visit, an added layer of protection

The only difference is that while the others are focused on protecting you from other demons, Barbatos is preoccupied with making sure you don’t hurt yourself

Diavolo

Timing is everything

And indeed, you just happen to be in the midst of cracking your knuckles and neck the moment you’re transported to the Devildom, every single one of the most powerful demons in the land staring at you in horror as your body pops some more

"Oh no,” Diavolo whispers, frowning as he looks at Barbatos. “We got a defective human :(”

Nevermind the insult you feel at his words (who does this strange, unfairly-attractive redhead think he is, calling you “defective???” He might be correct in his judgement, but he had no right to voice his thoughts!), you are shook

Definitely not the best first impression for either of you to make

Of course, Lucifer is quick to pick things up with his explanation of what this place is and who he is, and the whole situation is mostly forgotten as you come to realize that you’re standing in front of a literal prince

But the past has a way of resurfacing

And obviously, several months later, you crack your knuckles once more in the presence of the demon lord

The immediate wince on his face is more than enough for you to read his mind

“You’re thinking I’m defective again, aren’t you?”

“YOU REMEMBER THAT?!”

Poor bby

He’s honestly such a brilliant ruler, but when it comes to maneuvering the minds of humans, it’s just not his strong suit

Anyway, the two of you have a long talk (aka you rant and Diavolo listens) where you explain to him that cracking knuckles is a normal phenomenon, and that - look, you can even crack other parts of your body

And the prince is fascinated

He knew humans were built differently than demons, but he’d simply assumed that your body was just as perfect as his, and that yours could simply handle less extreme conditions

Clearly, though, that wasn’t the case

Man decides that, as the ruler of hell and the man spearheading efforts to unite the three realms, it is his moral obligation to learn about the other ways humans differ from demons

And so the shenanigans begin

It’s honestly time-consuming, but Lucifer doesn’t mind because if you’re with Diavolo, you’re out of trouble, and Barbatos doesn’t mind because if Diavolo’s with you, then he’s out of trouble

All in all, it becomes the prelude to a LOT of time spent together, and a LOT of differences between demons and humans come to light.

Aka various iterations of “What do you mean, humans can’t bite through steel?”

3K notes · View notes

stxleslyds · 3 years

Note

Jason doesn't show up in DC's animated series (though the does "spiritually" show up as Tim Drake in Season 2 of Batman the Animated Series).

Jason has a strong presence in the video games, though. So what is your opinion on Jason's characterization for Arkham Knight? He is a DLC for the Injustice games as well. Judy be warned that I did watch some clips of Arkham Knight and the torture was too gruesome for me.

RED HOOD IN VIDEO GAMES.

Hey there friend, thank you for the ask!

INJUSTICE 2.

I had to do some research on Red Hood’s appearances in the Injustice games because I was never really in touch with that story. Here is what I knew about it, there are two games for PC, one of them is Injustice and the other is Injustice 2, the games also have the comic books that give context/background to the lore of the game.

I used to play Injustice: Gods Among Us on mobile phone, and I had Jason as a playable character there, I also found out way too late that “Nightwing” wasn’t really Dick Grayson, it was Damian because he took on the mantle after he and the rock killed Dick in the comic (forever mad at that ridiculous death and the kinda scary art that comic had).

I looked for information about Red Hood’s backstory in wikis and all that because I refuse to read an alternate universe book written by Tom Taylor, there are things that I am just not willing to do.

All in all, I think that this Jason was in surface level, the same as his canon comic counterpart up until the time of his resurrection. Given that the world was at war and the League of Assassins wasn’t working openly, he and the others had to live in the shadows, he seems to have been trained proficiently by both Batman and the LoA so he is a very hardcore opponent. There are some bits of his story with Damian and a place called Gorilla City that I do not understand because I haven’t read the comics but I am fine without it.

The thing is that this Jason is pretty cool, he sticks to his morals and fights for what he believes is right, he doesn’t look like the kinda guy that takes sides in this war which is probably the best idea. Both Batman and Superman seem to be on the wrong side of history with they ideals.

What I did see and I loved eternally was the ending to Red Hood’s story, I will link the video here! But I will also copy and paste all that he says there because I think it’s really important and where I was able to see more of his characterization.

"That. Felt. Good. Titanium composite hollow point bullets with a C4 kicker. Fastest, most explosive ammo in the world. I made them myself. With the invasion over, Bruce and Superman started fighting again. I wasn't down with either of them. On the one hand, the Regime's right. Scumbag murderers and rapists deserve to die. But on the other hand, I'm no fan of government authority. Especially the dictatorial variety.

So, while the world's finest fight each other, I fight for the people. The weak. The innocent. Anyone who can't protect themselves. When they cry out for a saviour, I'll answer. As for the criminals that threaten them? They need to know that their actions have consequences. That the Red Hood is coming for them.”

This is excellent, I absolutely love this, this Jason knows his morals and doesn’t bow down to anyone and in the end, he is truly a hero to the people that need heroes the most.

Him saying that he believes that some criminals have to die but that he can’t really join Superman’s side because he cannot associate with it because he isn’t a fan of dictatorial ideas, I love this man.

I feel like this is a fair characterization for Jason, I believe that if something along the lines of what happens in Injustice happens in current continuity then Jason wouldn’t join any sides, he wouldn’t be neutral per se but he will fight for his own ideals. And his ideals in most universes are protecting people and I think that’s great. I love to see a world where Jason is seen as more intelligent and put together than the Batman.

Something that I find quite funny and interesting from this game is the dialogues that characters have with each other when they fight, I found this video compilation where you can see all the dialogues between Red Hood vs Robin (Damian Wayne), they are so fun and I love the animations too.

BATMAN: ARKHAM KNIGHT.

Oh, ArkhamVerse Jason, my beloved.

He is, to me, the epitome of this meme.

I have actually watched the whole game playthrough, several times, and Jason had a DLC as the Red Hood for that game (Nightwing has one too and I will talk about it later because I love this version of him). And, yes, the torture scene is very gruesome, it was incredibly sad and it made me feel bad. But I also think that they made it that way so it could support the kind of storytelling they were going for.

The reality is that this Jason suffered his whole life, and was constantly introduced to lifestyles that he never wanted to be part of. The world around this Jason wasn’t kind at all to him and there is a long list of people who did him wrong.

Although ArkhamVerse Jason didn’t die, like his comic counterpart did, he suffered the most. And his suffering really drove him to be the best version of an unhinged Jason Todd. But it’s clear, his brutality and murder intent isn’t laced with his Red Hood persona or at least not on the same level as it is with his Arkham Knight persona.

This Jason’s characterization works to perfection, but it only works that way because he was well developed within the game lore and the comics. This Jason was extremely well trained, he is probably the smartest version of Jason, his mind and his level of preparedness are unparalleled when it comes to other Jason Todd variants (a little MCU Loki talk right there).

I would go as far as to say that this Jason would be an excellent match to peak Dick Grayson from before New 52 in comics. Those two would clash so immensely, but man, it would be one hell of an intellectual and physical fight. Two Kings doing what they do best.

Anyway, for now take my word for how well characterized Jason is in the ArkhamVerse, I will make a post were I deep dive more on his character both in game and comics. There is so much to say about him, he is truly interesting and very complex.

Now, I will be a little cheeky and I will use this ask as an opportunity to talk about my man, ArkhamVerse Nightwing aka Pretty Boy.

I love him so much! In the game when you get to meet him (I will link the video here! it’s five minutes long, and worth the watch) you get to see both Nightwing’s and Dick’s personalities. Nightwing is fun and relaxed, he is a little bit cocky and doesn’t let Batman be a pain in his ass, he is truly a beast. Although he is never seen without the mask in a moment when he is alone with Bruce you can really see Dick’s personality shine through. He obviously has had issues with Bruce in the past but there is also this palpable respect coming from both of them to the other. Bruce wants to protect Dick but he acts like a jerk instead of telling him what is on his mind. Dick wants to help Bruce at all costs, he refuses to leave Gotham until they solve something that he was already working on before Bruce needed his help.

There is also this sort of goodbye scene between the two (I will link it here!) that is extremely sad because Dick doesn’t believe Bruce when he tells him that he is proud of him. Dick cuts him off just when Bruce was trying to open up and I think that scene speaks volumes about how rough their relationship was. Dick never finds out that Bruce was “dying” after being infected with the Joker’s blood/gas, so it’s very bittersweet.

There is also the Nightwing DLC, where we get to see Dick being the best of the best, he is so skilled and funny and smart. It is amazing how much this game made me love their Nightwing even though he doesn’t appear much, his dynamic with Penguin is just perfect, Dick literally makes Penguin’s life very difficult. All of the people working with Penguin kinda fear Dick a little bit, some of them are even impressed by his skills.

Oh and, when Nightwing gets captured at some point in the game, Penguin’s men are saying something along the lines of “I was sure Batman will come in” “how come?” “what’s tied up downstairs and getting the crap beat out of it?” “Oh yeah, Nightwing” and that is so true, if I were Batman, I will also risk my life for Nightwing.

I just love Nightwing, he makes me so happy! He is the best here!

Anyway, enough of me loving Nightwing uncontrollably, I will make a separate post where I only talk about ArkhamVerse Jason so, yeah, be ready for that one because I love that Jason too, he is hot.

#jason todd #red hood #arkham knight #dick grayson #nightwing #arkham games #injustice 2 #arkhamverse #asksss

87 notes · View notes

lynkhart · 3 years

Text

MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

#Critical Role #Critical Role Spoilers #CR Spoilers #shadowgast #Essek thelyss #Caleb Widogast #C2ep141 #C2ep141 spoilers #critical role finale

64 notes · View notes

train-inthedistance · 5 years

Text

#honestly ever since that dream i've been like listening to t*e 19*5 again and like....i can..hardly.....do that.. like i feel like im brea #*breaking my own heart like m*atty as a person........ i'll always come back to this like it always returns to him i just.....#and while i don't agree to/like what they're putting out atm and the drift they're on i still kinda respect that that's what they're #doing rn and m*tty still is SO incredibly relatable to me like......i could write PAGES explaining that but i feel....#idek. think i'm gonna get my period soon and im excessively emotional..... and yet..#big sigh #i cannot LOOK at videos without physically feeling pain like. i have never felt like a constant attraction to someone before like #with c*m or alex it's just phases or even with boyfriends i've had it's phases where ur like OMG IM GOING CRAZY JSUT LOOKING AT THEM but #it always fades to like... yea they're alright looking but i don't rly get why i was /that/ sold but with m*tthew it's like.....wowzie #lmao 'still crazy after all these years' to stay tru to my paul simon quotes #well that was enough rambling i should just keep a diary again sdkghjllkjsgdh #me

0 notes

dailydnp · 3 years

Link

British YouTuber, presenter, and author Daniel Howell offers a practical yet poignant look into mental health – his own struggles held up as a mirror for anyone else going through the same – in his book You Will Get Through This Night.

Written in conjunction with psychologist Dr Heather Bolton, the book is an amalgamation of Howell’s own experiences and Dr Bolton’s expert perspective combined to create a reading that feels like a personal attack in the best of ways, forcing you confront, embrace and then overcome your perception of your own mental health.

Best described as, “a practical guide to taking control of your mental health for today, tomorrow, and the days after,” You Will Get Through This Night takes readers through Howell’s mental health journey, wrapped in his trademark sense of humour and nuggets of wisdom that urge them forwards in their path to a healthier mindset.

Speaking to 1883, Howell describes what pushed him to write the book, learning to question his normal, how upbringing and culture impacts one’s perception of mental health, the role that a sense of humour plays in getting the conversation around mental health started and more.

Was there a particular moment that solidified your decision to write this book?

I think it was just realizing the power that every single person has to tell their story and break down the wall. Because with mental health, it’s the thing that every single person has a universal experience of. And yet, we all like to go, ‘I’m fine,’ when we’re completely having a meltdown on the inside and it was me opening up, not because I thought it was a nice idea just because I thought I had to open up about what I was going through with my depression, my sexuality. I went through 27 years of terrible mental health, without even realizing that you’re not supposed to be that way. It’s the idea that we all think we are broken, born in a certain way and doomed to feel that way forever, and that’s fundamentally wrong. I thought I’d like to write this book because other people may see themselves in it, notice that they relate to something, and therefore maybe there’s something about themselves that they need to work on. I literally I just wrote the book that I wish I could have read, because for me it was a struggle to even find the resources and the advice I needed.

You’ve mentioned in the book, that you never questioned your symptoms and that you were taken aback when the doctor said you were suffering from depression. But where there moments before that you started questioning this perception of what was normal to you?

I think it became my normal to feel bad all the time, which sounds dramatic but it was me. I thought it was all to do with my choices, age, environment and my job. But mental health is deeper than that, it’s something deeper and it’s something that you can actually have a positive effect on, which is what I wish I knew earlier, and it only happened when I got to a point where I was struggling, so much that I couldn’t even function day-to-day. In my mind, there was either nothing or there’s crazy. I thought you just have to get over your problems or you are totally crazy, which is so ignorant but that’s just not the truth. So, I went to a doctor and he said I think you might have depression and that is a real thing. And there’s lots that you can do about it. It’s about just understanding everything to do with how your thoughts and feelings work, the relationship between your biology and how you interact with the world physically. It was such a slow and painful journey to learn all of that that I thought, I’m just going to put it all in here and the idea is that for someone who picks up this book, they can go right in. I’ll put it up on the shelf and then when I need to read it, I’m going to pick it up and open it again. So, I just wanted to be super practical.

I really liked this quote in the book “breakdown can be breakthroughs”. So, when was the last time you can think of that a breakdown led to a breakthrough for you?

Every other week, like you know, all of us. It’s just human instinct to try and stick through it and ignore the problems especially with work. It’s a great excuse to lie, “ I know I feel bad but I’m really busy.” And it goes like that until things get way too intense. For me, there were moments where I felt I simply cannot keep going in my career or day-to-day life or try to pretend like I’m funny, until I deal with the fact that I’m gay. And though there was this terrible feeling like “have I hit rock bottom?” But the thing with any obstacle is that it stops you from going in the wrong direction and when you are forced to turn around usually it means you’re confronting the truth for the first time. Usually if someone has a breakdown, if you hit that wall in your life, that point where you absolutely can’t keep going until you turn around and something scary is going to be waiting, it means you’re going in the right direction. When you have these moments of confrontation, instead of procrastinating or running away, if you face it then it’s hopefully better days ahead.

Speaking of procrastination, you talk about burnout and the five-minute rule in one section. How do you strike a balance between not procrastinating and getting things done, but also not overworking yourself?

The human concept of work is very strange and it’s just one of those great examples of something that we’ve all brainwashed ourselves to see a certain way, to put value on certain things that are ultimately probably not great and inevitably lead to another dramatic moment of self-destruction and procrastination, which are both associated with so much guilt and shame.But in reality it’s not because I’m lazy that I don’t want to start this thing, it’s probably I’m terrified of starting this thing because I know that it’s important, I don’t want to fail at it. So, think of the five minute rule as ripping the plaster off, because it’s always the fear of starting. That was me, writing this book and feel like I’m not in the mood to do that, but then moment I start then I’d just write for consecutive hours. Again, it’s just snapping out of the mindset that you’re probably on, which goes I’m doing this because it’s important, and I have to do it. You probably don’t have to do it, you’re probably just running from something else. So, whether you are procrastinating, you think you’re lazy, or you’re telling yourself that you have to put up all of your issues to deal with whatever you’re busy with, you need to flip it around and look at it, not just from in healthier way but in more honest way. I’m not going to cripple myself with guilt and shame about procrastination but I’m not going to over work myself.

You’ve also written about how one of the worst things you can say to someone going through depression is to get over it. What’s the hardest of trying to get people to understand that it isn’t something you can get over?

I think you cannot underestimate how profoundly ignorant most of the world still is about mental health and that’s not people’s fault. It’s just that science, education and culture has just not been doing the right thing even if science recently has come a long way. We’ve got hundreds of years of stigma that come from. Breaking down the barriers, by being honest, with someone one-to-one is a great way to do that. And it just telling them “I’m not going to pretend that everything’s fine. I just want to tell you that, I feel that way.” And for a lot of people who say they don’t understand depression, anxiety etc, if just say I feel bad and I want to do something about it, people usually empathize with it. I also think lot of people want not take it seriously when other people say that because they feel like where was their help when they needed it? I think that the human nature is usually to feel almost jealous that someone else is asking for help or sympathy and they want to get better but you have to talk back to that voice and say maybe this is an opportunity for me to finally, be honest about how I might have been feeling the whole time. Because at some point you have to break the cycle.

Though you’ve said how you can’t underestimate how ignorant people can be, there’s a section of the book where you talk about how you uploaded your video, “Basically, I’m gay,” and braced for negativity. But that you were surprised by all the positive responses. So, what’s the most recent instance you can think of where you were pleasantly surprised by humanity?

Something that anyone that has to admit something, they’re going through and has in common, whether that’s something that’s come out as gay or someone just admitting that they’re just really stressed or feeling very anxious, is feeling like they have to constantly explain themselves. This is just an example of how you can be afraid of what people will say but when you’re really just honest about something that you’re going through, people usually relate to it on a day-to-day level. Whenever I talk to someone about mental health or sexuality, who may think its weird at first but as I describe my thoughts and feelings, they may relate to it even if they aren’t going through exact same thing as you. For me, a year after coming out and I still have that conversation on a daily basis. As a teenager, I had that deathly fear, that I couldn’t tell anyone because it would be terrible, but now I realize that actually most people are just scared. They aren’t inherently hateful; they’re just putting up that wall because they think that being vulnerable leaves them for attack. But actually, if we’re all vulnerable we’d be a lot happier.

Speaking of vulnerability, you touch upon your upbringing in the book and how it sort of taught you to keep a stiff upper lip. When did you start learn to be vulnerable and what was the biggest challenge with that?

Being a young British man, going to an all-boys school or the comedians that I looked up to on TV – everyone was so cynical. It was about trying to be as like edgy as possible and like act tough, and not show this vulnerability in case it’s seen as weakness. I think that I carried this perception all the way into my mid-20s, it seeped into every part of my personality. A lot of the stuff that I made, when I was younger, had this cynical edge to it and it was only when I started to get more followers from around the world that I began people started questioning that cynicism. At first, I’d go “this is British humour,” but a few years later, I just started to reflect about the way I was about myself and realized it was a bit more than a joke have, I actually started to let this self-hatred and the lack of empathy towards how I feel sort of eat me up. I think because only because of the people who have followed me over the years, giving me a reflection of who I am through how they’ve perceived me that I’ve been able to break free of my default programming.

About your sense of humour and how you kind of make sense of how you’re feeling through jokes, have you ever felt misunderstood -particularly given the cultural differences of your audiences you just mentioned – like you’re trying to make light of something that a lot of people suffer from?

Yeah, there’s a weird line and there’s lots of conversations these days about what you’re allowed to joke about. What the difference between talking about something, being comfortable with it and almost glamorizing it. But I think if the biggest problem with mental health globally is people don’t even want to admit that they’re wrong. And that they don’t even know that they were wrong. A bunch of people joking about how depressed they feel could be a good thing because they have at least taken the first step. So, I think it’s good that people can joke about things in a way that breaks the ice as long as they all know, in the same way that my book might make them feel very personally attacked that just behind that joke that you put up to protect yourself, there is something that you should work on. Even if it’s painful, that it will make you happier.

You mention celebrating small wins in the book. What win are you celebrating today?

I have just moved house and I have a toilet that doesn’t flush yet. But I managed to stick a coat hanger, inside the toilet and to make it flush. I just got my own toilet to flush, and for me, that’s such a miracle. It was a perfect example of how we take so many things for granted in life, whether it’s something huge to do with your health, the state of the world, your privilege. But I now have a flushing toilet and everything else felt easy. I can handle it because I got some perspective.

You also touch on the importance of inner circles in the book. , When was the last time, you personally reached out to bring someone into your inner circle and do you remember how you did it?

I am so awkward and awful at making friends and it’s something that usually, I’ll have one of those breakdowns where I go, “I have no friends.” The next day, I’ll wake up and DM people, out of every three people I DM two-point-nine will just ignore me and I will be very embarrassed. But then one of them will say “ yes, in two and a half weeks, we will go get a pizza.” And you only have to succeed a couple times ever to make friends that you hopefully will see more than once. I know from experience, it can be embarrassing, painful and not fun to try and reach out to new people but you just start adding one person, every two years until you have a friend group.

While working on this book, I know you consulted with a psychologist for it, aside from your lived experiences. What did you learn about mental health while looking at it from an outside, expert perspective?

I think one of the biggest revelations for me while writing this book is realizing how much of it isn’t a logical thought in our head. So much of mental health is controlled by our body, and the physical things that we experience. It’s about just how we breathe, how much light, and fresh air. And the problem is in our modern world, our brains are looking at everything as a threat. As soon as you realize actually, humans are not as complicated and mysterious as we think, we’re just little animals trying not to get murdered. It was freeing to know because that meant we aren’t born with this magically broken consciousness, that’s just doomed. It definitely made me look at mental health for what it is rather than the mysterious fog of pain that I thought it was for the last 10 years that I had absolutely no control over.

You’ve said that you’re obviously not done with your mental health journey, but where are you on that journey at this moment in time?

I’m doing a lot better than I was simply because I can understand what I feel, and why, and that it’s normal now. And I honestly feel like that’s 90% of it. Most people don’t ever question their lives. If they spend too much time, feeling overwhelming you stressed or if they worry too much and they’re just not enjoying life day-to-day. But just knowing that there’s something you can do about, it gives me enough hope. From writing the book, I know everything I can do to get better.

Finally, what’s one question no one has asked you so far that you wish you were asked?

I think it’s just how do I convince the other people in my life to take mental health seriously? I realized from writing this book and now, talking about it that the biggest problem I have is that most people simply do not think the conversation about mental health, or mental health, applies to them because they’re fine. So many people think mental health is only something for people that have crippling depression or serious anxiety disorder, but it’s just how all of us, think and feel all the time. If you have bad self-esteem, if you worry about everything, if you have a way of looking at the world that’s really negative and you expect the worst, then you might not need to immediately have an intervention with a psychotherapist, but you need to understand your mental health. Even if you read this book and say you are totally fine, then you still need to know this stuff so you can understand why you are fine. There will be a point in life where you need to make yourself feel better and mental health isn’t about waiting until you snap, and then picking up the pieces and going on medication. It should be about knowing how to keep yourself healthy and happy so that you don’t have a breakdown. Everyone has mental health, and that’s the thing that I wish I could just shove into everyone’s faces.

#daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan #phan #mine #interview

25 notes · View notes

kpop---scenarios · 4 years

Text

Good Enough

Pairing: Byun Baekhyun x Reader

Genre: Idol! AU

Warning: Smut, Mention of Domestic Violence, Miscarriage, Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 15.4k

Summary: Ayn (another y/n) and her friends meet Super M from a contest they win. She's a bit of a disaster but he doesn't care. Even when life tries to keep them apart, it never works.

“I’m sorry…,”you whispered to the man who was supposed to love you, who was carelessly and harshly dragging you along the path to your apartment. You would think by now you would know your limits with alcohol, the one thing you had a love-hate relationship with, but instead you hate yourself every time you get as drunk as you currently were. You should not have drank as much as you did, is what you tell yourself, again. Everytime. You knew it as always. Your body knew it and hated you for it, and so did your equally unimpressed fiance. "I can't do this anymore," he grunts carrying you into your apartment and down the short hall to the bedroom. Soyoung lets out a loud sigh, a sound of frustration and annoyance flying from his tongue, as he practically shoves you on your bed. His tall body, moving quicker than your eyes can in the dark of the room, you watch dizzily as he opens drawers and your bathroom briefly grabs something else, before coming back to stand over you. "Did you hear me?" Grabbing your cheeks and squeezing with one hand the other painfully grasping a breast, making you gasp, before grabbing some stuff from your bedside table. "I'm done." He finishes, walking out of your apartment, slamming the door and leaving your very drunk self to pass out. You wanted to follow him, ask him what you had done wrong now. You were trying to cope, was that so wrong? You wanted to move but your body wouldn't let you, you were frozen to your bed in an unimaginable state of drunken paralysis. Thankfully all the thoughts drowning you shushed your mind to sleep. Before you knew it, a persistent old-fashioned alarm eventually registered, blaring through your ears. You rolled over in your bed, feeling your dress from the night before twist around you, making you frown in confusion. Usually, a night out of drinking with Soyoung leaves you naked and most times sore in the right spot, sometimes pleasantly so, sometimes not. Shutting the alarm on your phone off, you sent a dreary voice message to your fiance sweetly begging for medicine and his special hangover soup. You desperately needed it. You really shouldn't have drank so much, again. Laying back down, phone tossed to the side, you take several slow deep breaths, trying to not throw up the unfortunate amount of tequila you drank last night. Closing your eyes against the dim light in the room, a flash of memory hits you making you touch your jaw knowing that all the pain isn’t from alcohol this time. You struggle to hear the words he spit at you last night in your head, something important, but you just couldn't remember as you drift back to sleep. Ding Your phone wakes you up. Groggily, you grab your phone, checking your conversation with Soyoung, and he's read your message but the reply wasn't from him. Maybe he was on his way? Going to your other conversations, you see it's your group chat with your three best friends. Beth, Maggie and Lisa. [2:43pm] Beth: I can't breathe. Everything smells like Tequila. I want to die. [2:45pm] Maggie: Did I break my foot? Cause it kinda feels like I did. Fuck. [2:49pm] Lisa: So round two tonight!? Let's get ready to paaaarttyyyyyyyy. [2:54pm] Beth: Are you insane? I'm crying tequila tears right now. I cannot [2:56pm] You: Don't be a pussy Bethy. Let's do it [3:01pm] Maggie: I mean.. i'm in [3:05pm] Beth: Fine. But I'm not drinking [3:09pm] Lisa: The fuck you're not. I will drown you in a bowl of Tequila beth. Try me. You knew you could always count on your girls. With a smile on your face, you text your fiance again, letting him know you were going out again tonight, and asked him if he wanted to come out with you guys. Usually when you message Soyoung, it wasn't long before he replied, but now you had been waiting two hours and that was so unlike him. But you weren't going to be that fiancee, you figured he was probably busy with something, even though the nagging feeling in your stomach was telling you otherwise. ** That night as you continued to drown your sorrows in liquor, again, your mind lingered on the fact that you still haven't heard from the person who was supposed to love you and be there for you. The person who was supposed to be your person but wasn't. Thinking back to the voicemail you’d left, well voicemails, plural. And thinking on the obvious smudges on your breast and face, that you’d gotten too used to covering up. "You okay?" Maggie asks you, taking a sip of her drink. "Yeah girl. All good," you say forcing a smile. You weren't okay; not even close and drinking was the only way you knew how to cope and there was a lot you needed to deal with but couldn't. You weren't mentally strong enough at the moment. You struggled internally with whether or not to unload everything on your friends, but you knew they had their own shit to deal with. You couldn't do that to them. "Come on," Beth slurred, slapping at the bar to get the bartender's attention. "Let’s close out and go! Next bar, up!" "Thought you weren't drinking tonight, Beth?" You slur, a knowing smile on your face. "Fuck off." She spits, placing a hundred dollar bill on the counter to cover everyone's drinks. Something the four of you often did. Someone would pay at one bar while another would pay at the next. The four of you finished your drinks, giggling as you walked out of the bar, walking to the next one. While three of you gossip, Beth lags behind, gasping at her phone. "What the fuck are tou foing," You slur, fumblimg your words and stopping the group. "Just shut up and keep walkin," she shoos you away, not looking up from her phone. Minutes later, you reach the next bar, Beth puts her phone away while she has a concerning smirk on her face. Do you confront her or ignore it? You choose to ignore, not wanting whatever it was to possibly ruin the night for everyone. Whatever your uwu girl was up to couldn’t be that bad. Beth wasn't one to stir up trouble or cause a scene. If anything, she likely ordered some more candles from Etsy. You all spent the rest of the night getting drunk and dancing on each other, without a care in the world. Sunday morning you wake up, smelling Tequila everywhere. It was seeping through your pores. Your heart sunk, still no word from Soyoung. So you try to call him again. No answer. You tried again, and again no answer. You didn't understand. What did you do that was so wrong? You spent the entire day going through everything, old texts, playing in person conversations in your head, trying to figure out how you might have fucked up in the last month or so, but nothing came to mind. So now the question you had was, what the fuck was his issue? You knew he didn’t like you showing up at his home unannounced, but at the same time this was past petty. The thought of calling his mother, who did not bother to hide her hate for you physically made you ill, you let your finger hover over her contact a little longer before closing the phone. You tossed it to the other side of your sofa, decisively picking up the remote to look for a movie to watch. Fuck him, you decide, just fuck him. ** After you had finished work on Monday, you still hadn't heard from him. When you woke up on Tuesday, again there was nothing. Everytime you called you were either sent straight to voice-mail or he just didn't answer. By the 3 week mark, you felt as though you might not even be together anymore. Three months later, you had heard nothing from him until your neighbour who was getting her mail had let you know he was out of town filming for a movie. She thought it was quite weird that you didn't know, and honestly, you thought the same but you weren't at all surprised, given Soyoung's past with you. Later that night, you had found out that night that when Beth was intensely looking at her phone, she had been entering a meet and greet with Super M, the band that the four of you were obsessed with. When she had gotten into the top five, she sent a video explaining who she would bring and why, and apparently they liked the way she represented you guys and how real you sounded. She should have told them you were all psychotic and loud because Super M was going to be in for a wild ride. At the four month mark, you still had not heard from him, and actively decided you were single. You took your ring off, leaving it on your bedside table. You didn't know why you tortured yourself like that, maybe you hoped he would walk through your door again one day, telling you that something had happened and he says so sorry before telling you how much he loved you, and would slide that ring back on your finger, telling you that's where it belonged and to never take it off again. Wishful thinking on your part. ** Finally Friday had rolled around, the night you were going to meet Super M. You had a hard time containing your excitement. All day you were a giddy mess, acting like a child who had gotten up early on Christmas morning to find a shit ton of presents. Friday afternoon, you had left work early to make sure you had ample time to get ready for meeting Super M. You unlock the door to your apartment, and walk in, being met with the face of your fiance, or the man who was now your ex. "Soyoung.. you're back?" You whisper, dropping your purse to the floor. "No I'm not. Just wanted to grab a few things.. and my ring." He says, sliding the ring off of your bedside table, and putting it in his pocket. "You're.. what is going on? Where have you been? Why did you leave? I thought we were happy?" You say. "Us? Happy? You're delusional." He laughs. "What? "I ended things four months ago." He deapans, hands in pockets with his feet braced apart. "Well thanks for telling me!" You yell, heart racing. "I did,"He shouts back. "Do you remember the night I dragged your drunk, embarrassing ass back home?" "No.. I had been drinking." You say, your chest tightening at the hurtful words you knew were going to come next. "Yeah you had, like usual. I ended things that night. I'm done. I have an important reputation to uphold and protect, and frankly your alcoholic, large self doesn't fit into it." He sneers. "Not to mention the vast difference in our status. Do you know what it's like being an actor with chances and then having an alcoholic teacher as my fiance? Fucking disaster." "I was coping. The loss of our baby was hard on me." You whisper, as it gets harder to breathe, tears freely slipping down your face now. "You know I've always wanted to be a mom." "Yeah well you losing our child was the best thing to happen to me. Imagine having a child with a low class whore. I can't believe any school would look at you and think you and that body, which is only good for one thing, should teach someone's kid. The universe knows who should be a mother, and you're not it." He continues as if her defense were nothing. "Also tell your friends that having them text me, asking me to check up on you while I'm out of 'town' is just fucking embarrassing." He finishes, sliding the ring into his pocket, and picking up his box before leaving. Tears fall from your face as what he said replays through your head, making you feel even worse. You didn't think that stuff like that was important, so it hadn't occurred to you that he thought that way. He had never mentioned anything to you, or brought it up, at least in so many words. Flashbacks play through yohr head, things he said during sex which should have set off some flags. "Fucking whore. You like getting your pussy rammed by a higher class man?" "Take that dick like the dirty low level slut you are." Did they make you uncomfortable? Sure, a bit but he had always been into dirty talk, so you chalked it up to that. Great to know he was being serious. Why did he have to show up tonight all night? The night that you get to meet one of your favorite bands, and your ultimate bias, Baekhyun. You couldn't look like a wreck tonight, so you dried your tears, took a few shots and put on your favorite song and started doing your makeup. ** A few hours after you were drunk and ready to go. A car outside beeped a few times, letting you know your friends were here. You locked your door, making sure to hold onto the railing as you walked down the stairs, not wanting to trip and fall. "Ladiessss." You slur, getting into the car, throwing your head back on the seat. "Let's go." "What happened?" Maggie asked, turning her head from the passenger seat to face you. "Apparently." You begin, clearing your throat. "Soyoung broke up with me when I was drunk four months ago and I don't remember, I'm in such a lower class than him and that's why I miscarried 5 months ago. Also that I'm a fat whore." You sniffle. Your lips begin to quiver as you remember the words again. You didn't want to cry, you couldn't but fuck it still hurt. "What the fuck." All the girls say in unison. "I've always hated him." Maggie spits. "Seconded." Beth yells. "Third..ed." Lisa partially answers, not knowing if that's a word or not. "Thirded is not a word, but thank you." You laugh as Lisa pulls you in for a hug. "We can cancel with Super M." Beth suggests. "Don't be dumb! Cancel on Super M? Who are you!?" You yell. "We don't cancel on kings. I'll be fine." You finish, taking a deep breath to shake off the sadness. "Are you sure?" Lisa asks, looking nervous that you might actually say yes. "Oh my god, no. We're not canceling." You laugh. "Lets go. I need a good distraction." 20 minutes later, the four of you sit outside the restaurant taking deep breaths. "I'm going to faint." Beth states, fanning herself with her hand. "Fucking Taeyong and Kai.." "Im going to meet Mark and Lucas." Lisa squeals. "Taemin, and Ten, my babies." Maggie groans. "And I'm going to meet Baekhyun. The only man I need." You say, a weird smile appearing on your face. "Fix that." Maggie says, pointing to your mouth. "You are not entering that restaurant looking like you're hiding a gun inside your vag, okay? Serial killer looks stay in the car please." She finishes, opening her door and adjusting her dress. "Less creepy. Got it." You say, hopefully smiling like a normal person. The four of you walk away from the car, your hands shaking as you make your way closer to the door. You felt like your heart might just drop right out of your ass when you walked through the doors. "We're here for the Super M meet and greet." Beth says, showing the man the confirmation. "Right this way." He says, motioning for the four of you to follow him to a private room. Whenever someone had told you they almost died when meeting their favorite celebrity, you never understood. Until today. When you walked in the room, all the guys were sitting at a table, four spots between them opened. Lisa sat in between Mark and Lucas, Maggie in between Taemin and Ten, Beth between Taeyong and Kai, while you sat beside Baekhyun with no one else on your other side. But you didn't care. Yes you loved the whole group, but Baekhyun was your one and you were in heaven. "Hi, im Baekhyun." He says with a gorgeous smile, holding out his hand. "Oh I know. I'm Ayn." You smile, shaking his hand. It was no surprise that it was soft to the touch. "Would you like a drink?" Baekhyun smiles, his eyes never leaving you. Call it crazy, but you absolutely felt something between him and you, and you could tell that he felt it too. "Tequila please." You laugh. "A Tequila fan? My kind of girl." Baekhyun smiles, waving over the waiter. Over the next few hours, you and Baekhyun talked about everything while the two of you took more shots. He asked you about your job, family, friends, ambitions, passions, everything. But you should have known not to drink too much, in order to not embarrass yourself in front of Baekhyun, but when he asked you if you were seeing anyone, you lost it. "I was engaged, but he dumped me when i was drunk, ghosted me for 4 months, told me I was a low class whore who basically deserved to miscarry and that I was fat." You sob. Everyone sits there stunned, mouths hanging open as you sob into a napkin that Baekhyun had given to you. "What an asshole." Baekhyun declares. "Like literally, I want to fuck him up. Who does he think he is? You are beautiful and I'm so sorry for your loss, you didn't deserve that. Where is he? Can I please beat the fuck out of him?" Baekhyun asks, rolling up his sleeves. "You're sweet." You giggle. "Honestly yes, you can beat him up. I hate him." "What's his name?" Baekhyun asks. "Kim Soyoung." You scoff. "That piece of shit!?" Mark asks from across the table. "Man we hate that guy already." Lucas mumbles. "Well there we go, now I have more of a reason to shit kick him." Baekhyun smiles. "But seriously, you're like a 20 out of 10. Stunning." He smiles. Your heart melts as his words replay through your head while he and the others make a plan for the rest of their night. "You guys down to come to the club?" Taemin asks, looking around the table. "Yes!" You all yell out in unison, excited for the next part of the night to begin. As you walk out of the restaurant, you pass through the dining room, where a familiar laugh rings through the room. You look around and see Soyoung sitting there, with a woman sitting across from him. "Wow, Kim Soyoung!" You yell, rage fueling your body with adrenaline. "Already engaged after you only left me 4 months ago?" You ask. "Ayn, stop it." Soyoung hisses. "Who are you?" The woman asks, standing up. When she turned around, your heart sank into your stomach, nausea consuming your body. She was at least 7 months pregnant, wearing your engagement ring. "It's not yours.. is it?" You whisper. "It's only been four months!" You yell. "She's got to be at least 6 or 7 months?" "Im 7 months, and we've been together for 3 years, what are you talking about?" She snaps. Tears fall down your cheeks as you try to piece together what she was saying. So were you the other woman or was she? You were engaged but now you're not, and she was having a baby, and you were not. "She could give me what you clearly couldn't. She's in the same league as me, unlike you. Get over it Ayn, I'm fucking done." "Oh I'm over it. I'm so done with you. Glad a pathetic piece of shit like you is no longer in my life." You say before he cuts you off. "You know what?" He asks, looking around the room. "There's always that one person in a group that doesn't quite fit in, someone they need to make the rest of them look good, that's you and you do a wonderful job at it." He smirks. "You're a miserable person, and a shitty lay. It was hard to feel anything when we fucked, considering you have such a small dick." You smile, Baekhyun grabs you by the wrist to drag you outside while Soyoung shakes with rage. He knew that if you kept going like he thought you would, Soyoung would probably do something that he shouldn't and you'd likely get hurt. "I'm sorry. That just felt so good to say." You tell Baekhyun, now sobering up from all the adrenaline. "It's all good." Baekhyun laughs. "I enjoyed it. Let's get out of here." Everyone climbs in two different vans, preparing to head out of the club. You began climbing when something stopped you and pulled you back out. Turning around you see a still fuming Soyoung, standing there with his fists clenched by his side. "You think you can just say all that shit in front of my fiance and a room full of strangers and get away with it!?" He yells unclenching to grab the collar of your shirt, pulling you against him. "Why are you letting someone who is in such a low class bother you so much? Mhm? Maybe because you're not as high and mighty as you think you are? You're lower on the totem pole than I am." You whisper. Soyoung shoves you to the ground, raising his fist as if he was about to hit you. "I dare you." You say, knowing he wouldn't. "Hey!" Baekhyun yells, jumping from the van and shoving Soyoung back. "I always knew you were a piece of shit, but now you're an abusive piece of shit? Wow." Baekhyun snaps, staring hard at Soyoung, who sighs before walking away. "You okay?" Baekhyun asks, extending a hand to help you up. "I'm all good." You smile. "You sure?" He asks, making sure. "Positive. Let's party!" You laugh, climbing in the van. "She's amazing." He whispers before climbing in after you. ** Walking into the club, all eyes are on Super M as they glide past the dance floor, all of them looking like angels. They all head for the VIP section, which gives a perfect view of the dance floor. After everything that happened earlier with Soyoung, you were ready to forget everything with a few shots before you got lost on the dance floor. You, Maggie, Beth and Lisa all cheer your shots, each time you take one. After three, and a good song was finally playing, you all head out to the dance floor, finding a spot in the middle with an opening to view the VIP room. Your eyes lock with Baekhyun as you begin circling your hips, shaking your ass while running your hands over your body. You watch as Baekhyun licks his lips, his eyes trailing your body, watching you move so effortlessly. He takes a sip of his drink, his body slouched in his chair with his legs spread wide. You can feel yourself becoming more and more horny as you see the outline of his cock growing in his pants. As you continue dancing, you feel a pair of hands slide around your waist and a body press against you. Still looking at Baekhyun you notice his eyes go dark as he sits up, watching you dance with the strange man. He doesn't know why, but the jealousy he felt was coursing through his body. You break eye contact, turning to look at who you were dancing with and if you knew him. You didn't. When you looked back towards Baekhyun he was gone. Had he left? Seconds later you feel the man leave from behind you, being replaced by another body. "You're a bad girl." You hear whispered in your ear. Shivers dip down your spine as Baekhyun grabs your wrist, taking you off the dance floor and towards the bathrooms. He pulls you into the men's bathroom, locking the door behind you, his eyes dark and needy. He grips your shoulders, pushing you against the wall, pinning your hands above your head. “If you wanted to make me jealous, it worked. Since the moment I first saw you tonight, I wanted you." he growled into your ear. His hands reach down to touch your thighs, slipping his fingers under your dress as you spread your legs slightly for him. Baekhyun glides his fingers across your clothed pussy, teasing you. “Please give me more” you whine as you buck your hips towards his already erect cock. “This is going to have to be quick." he smirks, unbuckling his belt and sliding down his pants just enough to allow his cock to spring free. Your mouth watered at the site of Baekhyun's thick and juicy cock. He backs away, letting go of your hands, allowing you to drop to your knees. Your hand barely wraps around his cock, pumping it a few times before you lean in to wrap your lips around it. Just as you reach the tip, a frantic knock comes from the other side of the door. It was Taeyong, and he only had to say one word for Baekhyun to panic and get the two of you out of there. "Saesangs." Baekhyun pulled up his pants, pulling you towards the only window in the bathroom. He sent a quick message to his group chat, letting them know to meet him at the van, asap. "I'm gonna lift you up and the climb up myself." He tells you, looking very serious but you can't help but laugh. "You.. you're going to lift me up? Me?" You giggle. "You're little." "Hey! I have muscles okay? I'm strong. Shut up." He grunts, just barely lifting you. "See." He says, his voice shaky and struggling. "Yeah okay." You huff, climbing through the window. "I can hear you on the struggle bus." You can't hear what Baekhyun's reply was, as you were too busy trying to drop to the ground. "Hurry up." He tells you, watching you dangle from the side of the building. "It's terrifying." You whisper shout. "It's like 4 feet. Get over it." He whispers back to you. "Before I peel your fingers off this ledge." "You do that and I will never give up this pussy." You say, not able to hear his mumbles. Taking a deep breath, you let go, dropping down not very far at all while Baekhyun effortlessly jumps from the window, landing gracefully as usual. Finally you confirmed, he was in fact just CGI and not real at all. There was no way a human could possibly be as perfect as Byun Baekhyun and not be fake. Just wasn't a thing. "Stop staring at me, let's go." He laughs, pulling you towards the van. "Baek we gotta go." Taemin says, rushing him. "Gimme your number, quick." Baekhyun urges. Quickly you write your number on his arm before he climbs into the van. "I'm sorry. I'll text you." He says before the van door closes and they drive off. "What the hell happened?" Maggie asked, walking up to you with Beth and Lisa. "We almost hooked up." You whisper, eyes wide. None of you can believe it, except Lisa. "Well he was watching you all night so I'm not surprised." Lisa tells you, raising her eyebrows. "We'll meet tomorrow for breakfast?" Beth asks the group. You all agree before going your separate ways to head home. Tonight had been a night that you would honestly remember forever. You really didn't have any expectations of Baekhyun to text you. He was a huge celebrity and you were, well a teacher with an alcohol problem. Not quite the catch you should be. When you finally got home,you stripped down into your underwear, hating yourself for wearing such sexy lingerie that no one got to see. You climb into your bed when your phone dings. A number you don't recognize. [3:08am] 4739272943: Hey, I had a great time tonight.. did you make it home? The smile on your face widened. You quickly added his number to your contacts before replying. [3:12am] You: I did, thanks for asking. I'm snuggled warm in my bed. [3:15am] Baekhyun ♡: I wish I was your blanket. Damn. I can't stop thinking about what happened in the bathroom [3:17am] You: Me either. I was excited. [3:19am] Baekhyun ♡: My cock is so fucking hard [3:22am] You: can i come over? [3:25am] Baekhyun ♡: (address) You crawled out of your bed and ran to your closet, putting on a trench coat over your sexy lingerie, and a pair of sexy heels. You rush down the stairs of your building, standing on the sidewalk to hail down a cab. Once you do, you begin telling the driver the address, double checking your phone to make sure it's correct. Sure it probably looked suspicious that you were going to a hotel at almost 4am, dressed like a hooker but if he knew who you were going to meet, he wouldn't judge. But he probably still would anyways. ** You stand outside the room number Baekhyun had given you, taking a deep breath before knocking lightly on the door. Before you could even knock a second time the door swung open, revealing Baekhyun who grabbed you and pulled you inside. "A trench coat?" He asks, trying to hide the smile on his face. "Why don't you see what's underneath before you judge." You say, glaring at him. Baekhyun reaches forward, unbuttoning a few buttons before you let the coat fall down your body, revealing the sexy lingerie you had on. "Yes, wow, good trench coat." He breathes. Baekhyun takes your hand, pulling you into him before pressing his lips to yours. Immediately you as though you’re melting into his lips. His mouth moves along yours, without any hesitation you open your mouth, just enough to allow him to slide his tongue in. Every single worry you had quickly disappeared from your head. Every problem, insult, anything was gone. Baekhyun reaches down, placing his hands on the back of your thighs, giving a little push to signal you to jump up. You hesitate a little, but when he pushes even more you know he won't give up, so you jump up, wrapping your thick thighs around his waist. He walks forward and crashes you against the wall, deepening the kiss while pressing his body against yours. He removes your hands from going through his hair, and instead pinning them above your head. He breaks the kiss, placing small kisses along your jawline before moving down to your neck. You pant as he nibbles at your neck. "Do you want me as much as I want you?" He asks, looking you in the eyes. “Even more" you breathe. Baekhyun sets you down, reaching behind you tk unclasp your bra, your nipples perk as the cold air of his room hits them. Baekhyun bends down slightly, taking a nipple into his mouth, giving it a small tug with his lips. "Fuck." You moan. He smirks as he takes your hand, leading you towards the bed. He lightly pushes your shoulders back, causing you to fall back onto the bed as he stands at the edge. His smile widens as he stares at your thick, beautiful body on display for him, and him only. He climbs on the bed with you, hooking his fingers into your panties, slowly sliding them down your leg. Baekhyun spreads your legs, memorizing every curve and crevice of your body. He licks his lips and smiles as he lays down in between your open legs, your pussy already dripping wet. He lowers his head slowly, spreading your lips open with two fingers before licking a slow strip up, his tongue stopping right above your clit. He moves his it slightly, using the tip to give you a few small kitten licks. Your hands grip the sheet of the bed as you let out a loud moan, your fingers turning white. “Fuck" you cry. It’s been too long since you’ve had someone take care of you. Never having been with anyone since Soyoung. Baekhyun moves his tongue faster, you buck your hips, grinding yourself against his face. “Shit that feels so good" you whine. Baekhyun picks up his pace, moving his tongue in every direction, your orgasm coming fast. “Please don’t stop. Just like that” you groan. Your breath hitches as his hands grip your thighs, steadying himself in-between your legs. “I’m.. I’m gonna cum" you cry, your hands moving from the bed sheets to his head, gathering a handful of hair and gripping it tightly. You move your hips faster, needing to cum now. A few more circles with your hips and you’re met with a delicious release as you cum, a wave of pleasure radiates through your entire body. Baekhyun looks up at you, smirking while he licks your juices from his face. You just lay there attempting to catch your breath as your chest heaves up and down. “Fuck me now” you breathe. Baekhyun's eyes go dark as he stands up off the bed, you maintain eye contact as he strips his shirt off, your mouth practically watering at the sight of his toned stomach. Yout mouth drools again at the sight of his thick cock, standing straight at attention. “It's not going to suck itself” he smirks, looking from his cock to you. A wide grin appears on your face as you sit up and begin to crawl towards him, you lay at the edge of the bed with your head level to his cock and mouth open wide. Baekhyun groans as he slides his cock into your mouth, pushing himself in as far as he can before you wrap your mouth around him. At first he starts out slowly, gently thrusting himself in and out of your mouth. With every pump, his thrusts become harder and faster. Tears begin forming in your eyes as he rams his cock down your throat, it burns, but you love it. “Jesus baby, your mouth feels amazing” he moans, his thrusts becoming sloppy. Almost as quickly as he moaned, he pulled himself out of your mouth, stumbling his way over to the wall. “Are you okay?” you ask, your voice hoarse. “Yeah, I was just close to cumming and I didn’t want to do it yet" he breathes. "You want to cum in my pussy, don't you?" You ask, feeling extra naughty. Baekhyun lets out a deep throaty growl as he stalks back towards you. You scramble to sit on the bed, with your legs clenched, the need for him to be inside of you so strong. “Get up and ride my cock “ he growls. The moment you move, he lays in your spot ready for you to sit on his cock. You move your leg over to one side of him, gripping his cock as you align yourself with him and sink down slowly. You clench yourself around him as you hit the base, your walls stretched. “Your pussy feels even better than your mouth” he grunts. You slowly begin to rock your hips back and forth, getting a rhythm you enjoy. Baekhyun rests his hands on your hips, pushing for you to ride him faster. Your hands reach down to rest on his chest, as you lift your ass up before bringing it back down onto him. After a few minutes you go back to slower thrusts, your clit rubbing perfectly against his pubic bone. Baekhyun sits up, bringing the two of you chest to chest before he slowly brings a hand up your back to grab a chunk of hair and yank your head back, exposing your neck. You let out a small moan as he places soft kisses. He smirks at you before changing his pace and flips you over to your back. He smiles as your legs are in the air and he slowly pumps himself in and out. “Fuck me harder” you beg. “Happily" he says before his face turns from a smile to dark. His thrusts are slow but powerful. He makes you shiver every time he thrusts in, hitting your G spot without a problem. Without a word, his pumps quicken as he consistently rams himself into your dripping pussy. “Play with my clit" you whine. Baekhyun removes a hand from your leg and places it in-between your thighs, spreading your lips and placing his thumb on the exact spot you need it. He begins to rub as he continues to pound himself into you. “I’m not going to last much longer” he pants, his thrusts becoming sloppy again. “Choke me" you cry out. Baekhyun abandons your other leg, wrapping his large hand around your throat, giving it a tight squeeze. A few more thrusts and circles from his thumb, a stronger orgasm than before washes over you, pulsating through your body, leaving you breathless. A few hard thrusts and a few seconds later Baekhyun cums, soaking your walls with his juices. After milking himself, he half collapses on to you, the two of you breathing heavily. You both chuckle as he pulls out of you, laying his equally as sweaty body next to you. Just as you were about to say something, you're cut off by the sound of knocking on Baekhyun's hotel room door. "Shit." He whispered, looking at you with terrified eyes. He mouthed an apology to you before shoving you off the bed, leaving you naked in between the bed and the wall. "Come in." He says, clearing his throat, making sure he was covered. "Hey Baekhyun.." Lucas begins. "I heard some grunting.. just wanted to make sure you were okay?" He says, looking around the room. "Oh yeah, all good. Just working out." Baekhyun says awkwardly. "Naked. It's my naked workout time. Do you wanna join? We can not be naked. Unless you wanna be naked." He suggests. "Nah, I'm good." Lucas smiles, backing out the door. "Don't forget, flight leaves at 9am." He reminds Baekhyun. But he knew and he was trying to avoid talking about it or bringing it up for as long as he could. Lucas closes the door, and Baekhyun scrambles to the side of the bed you're beside. "Guess I should get going." You say, standing up and searching for your lingerie. "You don't.." Baekhyun begins before you cut him off. "It's fine. I get what this was. It was fun, you have to leave and go back to your life and I'll..go back to whatever mine is." You say. "It's fine. I knew this wouldn't turn into anything.. I mean look at the different worlds." You finish. "Are you done now?" He asks. You nod your head. "Finally. Look, I don't want to stop talking to you, or stop seeing you. I was going to suggest making long distance work until I can come back or you can come out there." He says, pulling his boxers on. "If you want." You stand there in your bra and panties with a giant smile on your face, trying to remain cool. "Yeah sure, I could do that." You say, shrugging your shoulders. "Don't sound so excited about it." He says, rolling his eyes. The smile never leaves your face as you walk towards him, wrapping your arms around him, as he does you, holding you close for a few minutes. Another knock at his door breaks the two of you apart, knowing he now has to leave. "You go. I'll wait 10 minutes and then leave." You say holding back your tears. Yes you'd only met yesterday but it already felt like you've known him for a lifetime, things with him were just beginning and now they're ending just as fast as they began. "I'll text you." He says, placing a quick kiss on your lips before grabbing his bag and slipping out the door. Your heart sunk into your stomach at the thought of him getting on that plane and going back to Seoul, but you couldn't do anything. You had zero expectations of him texting you, and you sure as shit weren't going to text him first. Just as you were leaving his room, your phone dings. Your stomach twists and turns with excitement as you see a text from Lisa, telling you where to meet them for breakfast. Thirty minutes later you arrive at the restaurant, after quickly running home to put on some clothes before going. "Why are you so happy?" Beth asks, referring to the giant smile on your face as you sit down next to her. "I'm just in a good mood." You laugh. A very good mood. "Bullshit. What or who did you do?" Maggie asks. "I'm not sure what you could be talking about." You murmur, avoiding eye contact. "You didn't." She gasps. "What?" You ask with an awkward laugh. "You slut!" Lisa screeches, making the other people turn to look at your table. "Oh ky god, what!?" You laugh. "You and Baekhyun fucked didnt you?" Maggie asks. "When would that have even happened?" You ask, rolling your eyes. "You left us at 230am." She says. "Anytime after that." "I may or may not have gone to his hotel last night.." you pause, pursing your lips while they all sit there mouths hanging open. "Girls.. when I say he's big.. I mean he's biiiig." You smile, your facial expressions showing them exactly how big you meant. "Tell us everything." Lisa laughs. Leaning forward, you start from the beginning at the club, and how neither of you could take your eyes off one another. ** "You weren't naked working out last night, were you?" Kai asks Baekhyun, sitting next to him on the plane. "I was. I rather enjoy doing pilates.. naked." Baekhyun says, clearing his throat. "Really? I didn't know that. I also didn't know that you moaned like a girl when you worked out. Is 'fuck me harder' a part of thr pilates workout?" Kai laughs. "Actually it is." Baekhyun says, trying to keep a straight face. "Look, i don't wanna tell you what to do, Ayn seems like a great girl, but she seems to have a lot of shit going on." Kai says. "Just be careful." "We all have a lot of shit going on. That doesn't mean we're any less deserving of someone to care for us. I know what I'm doing." Baekhyun smiles. "Then I'm happy for you man." Kai smiles, closing his eyes, preparing to sleep for the long flight. ** You waited and waited for a text from Baekhyun, but nothing came. You understood when it was a few days, but after a week, you decided it was exactly what you expected. You had actually believed him when he told you it wasn't just a one night stand for him. When he told you he wanted more, that he would text you and facetime you. You knew people got busy and he was an idol but it didn't take too long to send a text, just a hey, how are you or something like that. The more you stared at your phone the more it made you sad that the last thing he sent to you was the hotel address. At least you would always have that night. Sitting in your bed, your blankets are wrapped around you as you scroll through the saddest sounds on your tiktok, tears welling in your eyes. Fuck this hurt. As you scroll, Maggie's name flashes across your screen in a phone call. "Hello?" You sniffle into the phone. "Come out." She tells you. "Beach day." That perked you up a bit. "Okay. Yes." You say, knowing it would be good for you to get out. You wiggle your way out of your bed, put on your cutest bikini and brush your hair before putting it up in a cute bun. You put on a little sun dress and your flip flops before grabbing a bottle of wine and heading to your car. When you're about twenty minutes away from the beach, your phone dings and since no one else is on the road with you, you decide to check it and see Baekhyun's name at the top of the text. He finally texted you! You smile down at your phone as you read the message. [1:23pm] Baekhyun ♡: Hey beautiful, I'm sorry it took me so long to text. Things have been crazy. But I miss you and I can't wait to see you again. Let's plan something soon, okay? You heart flutters, excitement taking over, until panic rushes in instead. You drop your phone when you hear the honking of another car, not realizing you had drifted into the other lane. Unable to get back into your lane in time, you go the other direction, your car crashing through the metal guard, the sound of metal scraping while you cry, trying to pump your brakes but they're not working. Everything happens so fast, one minute you're happy and driving, the next your car plummets into the water, sinking fast. You struggle to take your seat belt off, while also trying to kick out your windshield or even punch out your driver's side window. You can hear the people above, the people on land screaming and crying, begging someone to help you while you cry out yourself, pleading for someone to come save you but now it's too late, your car is completely submerged in the water. You wish you could breathe but you just keep sinking. Sinking. And sinking. Until the world fades to black. ** Baekhyun has his phone right beside him for the rest of the day as he actively waits for your reply. He saw that you read jt, but maybe you were just busy at the moment and couldn't reply, or maybe you were too busy fangirling to reply. Maybe you fainted? Maybe he took too long to text you? It's not that he didn't want to, but for the last week, from the moment he got off that plane, his schedule had been hectic. He had appearances, promotions, rehearsals, shows, and more. He barely had a moment to sit and breathe, eat or think. He wished he had messaged you sooner, just to let you know he was still thinking about you, that he hadn't forgotten. Great, you probably thought he used you for a one night stand type thing. He debated within himself if he should text you again, or leave it until tomorrow and send another message. Looking over at the clock, he decided that since it was so late he would wait to text you again, hopefully this time yielding a reply from you. ** That next morning he woke up, sending you a good morning text, but it didn't really go through. He thought it was strange that his text was green, but it didn't say not delivered. Maybe your phone was off or you forgot to charge it. [3:48pm August 23rd] Hey.. you're worrying me now. Are you okay? Please.. let me know. [11:54am August 24th] Seriously? Come on Ayn. Something, anything would be fine. He was trying to keep calm, trying to not think that you were ghosting him. But by the second week when none of his green texts turned blue and he hadn't heard anything, he felt like he understood now. You weren't interested anymore. You could have at least had the decency to tell him you weren't interested instead of ghosting him. Three weeks went by. Three weeks of him texting you and receiving nothing, not even a goddamn apology from you. This was it. He was done. He was tired of trying, of keeping his hopes up that maybe, just, maybe you'd message him back. ** Three weeks after the accident, you had finally woken up, and you were okay, for the most part. Your body wasn't like it used to be, considering you had been laying down for the last few weeks. Your muscles were weak, your body was sore, your left leg had a bit of a limp and you felt disgusting. This wasn't you. You weren't the girl who cried over her body, but you didn't recognize yourself anymore. When the doctor suggested you try Physical Therapy you were hesitant but Maggie reassured you that she would be there with you through it all. "My phone?" You ask, a few days later while stretching. "They're going to call me today. They're pretty sure they can back everything up." She tells you. Thank god. And they did. During the next three weeks of your therapy, you had four different tech guys working on your phone, trying to get your messages and contacts back but due to all the water damage, it was taking some time. Seven weeks after the accident, you were finally 98% percent back to your normal self, a few large cuts and bruises that still needed healing but mentally and physically you were feeling okay today. Today was also the day you got your phone back, contacts and messages and all. You couldn't wait, you felt terribly guilty for leaving Baekhyun on read like that for so long. You couldn't wait to message him, tell him everything that happened. You turn your phone on, and everything starts rolling in. Messages from Baekhyun, cute and sweet, and then they get frustrated and annoyed, and then he just gets mad. He goes from wondering if you were okay, to telling you that he thought you were different, to him telling you he thought Kai was right about you, and how he should have stayed away, that maybe you were too damaged for him. And then he's done. Your heart sinks but you can sort of see where he's coming from. You haven't messaged him in so long, but if he claimed to have liked you so much, then why didn't he try to reach out to anyone? Try to find out if something has happened to you? Regardless, you send him a text, trying your best to explain the situation in hopes that he understands. He should, who wouldn't? He didn't believe you? What did he mean he knows the truth? You were so confused. You tried to call him, multiple times but unfortunately for you, he denied your call each time. You got the hint. You weren't go8ng to be pushy with him, but it hurt your heart that he was acting like this. You had really liked him and now it seemed like he just wanted one thing from you that night and had no intentions of actually attempting to make things work with you. Just before you're about to walk away from your phone, it dings again, excitedly you look at it, hoping it Baekhyun but it's not. Instead it's from someone you want nothing to do with, Soyoung. Of course he was trying to get back in your life, unfortunately for him, no amount of apologies was going to work to get you to even talk to him. You had his toxic ass once, you didn't want it again. You'd rather get into another accident than deal with him. You turn on your TV, waiting for your show to come back on when an interesting commercial caught your eye. 'Become a teacher in Seoul. Live in South Korea for a year while you teach English.' This was it. This was your reason, besides trying to talk to Baekhyun for you to finally go to South Korea. 'Call 18004738234 now!' Picking up your cell phone, you dial the number with no hesitations. With the year you had, you needed a change in just about every aspect of your life. You were still coping with the loss of the baby you so wanted, despite who it would have been with, as well as your painful departure from Soyoung. Your meeting and falling out with Baekhyun, someone you really and truly could have seen yourself with for the long haul. The car accident, that even though you basically fully recovered, it took something from you and you didn't think you would be able to find whatever it was while staying in the States. "Hello? Yes, I'd like to apply for the job in Seoul. Yes I am a teacher." You smile. This was the change you needed. Three long weeks later you received your letter in the mail, the one telling you that you had been accepted into the teaching position and that you were to fly out to Seoul in exactly 1 weeks time. Squealing, you pick up your phone, making a call to your three best friends and asking them to meet you at your favorite restaurant. "So what are we all doing here?" Lisa asks, margarita in hand. "We are celebrating!" You announce. "Celebrating what?" Beth asks. "I was accepted into the teaching program in Seoul!" You announce, excitement plastered over your face. Beth and Lisa scream in excitement with you, while Maggie sits there, looking concerned about something. "Are you not happy for me?" You ask her. "It's not that. Just what's your reason to go to Seoul specifically? What do you think you'll find there?" She asks. "You know I've always wanted to go there." You say. "Yeah but are you going to see Baekhyun? I don't think that it's a good idea." She states. "What's with you? You were all for it in the beginning, what changed now? What if we're meant to be?" You ask. "You're not meant to be with him, okay? So just leave him alone." She spits, taking a sip of her drink. "What is your issue? I don't understand!" You yell. "My issue is that you're not ready for anything! You've been through alot and you were rushing! So I told him you weren't interested in him anymore." She whispers. (Flashback) Maggie sat beside your hospital bed, holding your hand as the ventilators breathed for you. Her heart ached for you while her mind tried to remain positive. She told herself over and over again that everything would be okay, that you would wake up soon. But everyday, that day never came. One day, she was scrolling through her Twitter when she noticed a DM waiting for her. As she opens it, she sees that it's Baekhyun, reaching out to her about you. Where were you? Were you okay? Taking a deep breath, she told him you were too nice to say it to him, but you don't want anything more with him. You got what you wanted from him and that was it and that you wished he wouldn't contact you anymore. Maggie felt terrible and Baekhyun never replied to her message, but she thought she was helping you, not hurting you. "When did you tell him?" You ask, trying to hold back the tears. "When you were first in the accident." She sighs. "I told him you only wanted him for the night and nothing else." "Wow." You laugh, no humor to be found. "And just what the fuck gives you the right to make those decisions for me?" "As your friend, I felt like it was my duty to help you when you couldn't help yourself. I wanted to protect you." She says. "Where was that when I was with Soyoung? He was so shitty yet you never said anything to me! And here I want to be with someone who is actually good and decent and you do that? Some fucking friend." You snap. "Where were you when he was threatening to hit me? I told you about that. Or when he yelled at me and talked down to me at the restaurant when we were out for dinner, you sat there silently. So don't try and act like you were protecting me from Baekhyun. There was nothing I needed protecting from. I needed you back then. Before he broke me down." You finish,walking out of the restaurant. ** For the rest of the week you spoke to no one. You ignored the calls from Maggie, the apology texts, and the texts from Beth and Lisa telling you to just take it easy on her. She was trying to be a friend. You hadn't planned on ignoring them until they took her side. You knew she was wrong, and so did they but they still took her side. You were over it. Your stomach was excitedly nervous as you boarded your plane. Sitting in your seat, your mind begins to wander, thinking about what you want. This was your chance to find out who you were by yourself. You had finally realized that you had no idea who you were or the woman you were supposed to be. You had always done what made Soyoung happy, bringing yourself down to lift him up, taking his abuse just so he would be happy and you have someone that told people they loved you. You had a hard time believing that you deserve any love because you weren't the smallest woman, the prettiest, the smartest, basically you serent good enough to be loved. But now that you have been alone, thinking about what you want and what kind of life you want you realized something. You deserve all the love in the world. You were an amazing, beautiful woman who was good enough. You were too good for Soyoung, and you were good enough for Baekhyun. ** When you arrived in South Korea, you knew you had a lot of work to do. First you had to find your apartment that you were sharing with another teacher, who had been here for a few months already and would be able to show you the ropes, and get settled in. But you also had to figure out how to run into Baekhyun. You just needed to explain to him what Maggie had done and how you had absolutely no part in it and didn't believe anything she had said. You tried to message him but he had blocked you on everything. Instagram, Twitter, Messaging, this was your only shot and this time you wouldn't blow it. You couldn't. You felt it in your bones that Baekhyun was meant to be your happily ever after. That you endured all you did because it led you to where he was, and where he was, was where you were supposed to be. ** Your first week in Seoul was.. well challenging. Gaining your students' trust, the beginning of teaching them how to speak English, it all started out a little bit rough. But as the time went on things became easier, your students began catching on, they started to feel more comfortable around you and you felt like you were finally home. This was where you were supposed to be, with these students, in this city, doing what you loved. As time went on and you stayed in Korea, you came to love yourself. Everyday you worked on yourself, becoming a stronger, happier version of yourself. Through the first year you were there, you made multiple changes to yourself. You dye your hair, started working out to feel better, even made some friends who you went out with on the weekend. But there was still something in your life that you felt was missing. You hadn't dated anyone. Sure, there were a few guys you'd gone on dates with but for whatever reason they never worked out, or stuck and most of the time it was something about them you didn't like. Or they just didn't fit well with you, or the fact that they weren't Baekhyun. It had been a year since you spoke to him and he still crossed your mind at least once a day. You partially kept up with how he was doing through the tabloids but once it was rumored he had a girlfriend, you left it alone. Even though you'd been working on yourself, you didn't think you could handle it if there was any truth to it. Once your year working was up, you were offered full-time employment with your class, if you wanted to stay and continue to teach. You most definitely accepted it right then and there. That night you went out with some teacher friends to celebrate in Itaewon, which also happens to be a well known place that Idols like to frequent. You'd be lying if you said you didn't hope to even just catch a glimpse of his beautiful face in person instead of on a screen. After taking a few shots, you are dragged to the dance floor by one of the male teachers who you knew had a bit of a thing for you. The attention was nice, you were flattered but you were not interested and he seemed to have a hard time taking the hint that you didn't want anything sexual with him. He spins you around so your back is facing him, his hands on your hips trying to guide them to grind your ass on him. You turn around and tell him again, you're not interested in dancing with him like that, and he gets mad. "Why won't you just return my fucking feelings?" Kyungdo yells, grabbing your wrist to pull you into him. You try to pull your wrist from his grip, but his hand is holding onto you so tightly you can't. "Please. You're hurting me." You whimper. "I'm not interested." You yell. Kyundo rolls his eyes, pulling you away from the dance floor, towards the door to leave the building, when you're stopped with a hand on your free wrist. "She said she wasn't fucking interested." A familiar voice yells, pulling you closer. Turning your head, you see the handsome man you had seen a year ago, his eyes dark, his lips pursed while his face even pissed off, was beautiful. "Mr. Byun. I'm a huge fan. Don't mind my girlfriend, she's just being difficult." Kyungdo says, bowing to Baekhyun who looks less than impressed. "Girlfriend?" He asks, looking at you. You shake your head no. Baekhyun peels Kyungdo's fingers from around your wrist, dropping his arm. "Leave her alone." He snaps, pulling you away from the now annoyed man. "Thank you." You say ask Baekhyun to pull you into a quiet, dark room. "Why are you here?" He asks. "I've been teaching here for a year. They asked me to stay so i'm out celebrating tonight." You whisper. "Fuck." He hisses, pushing you against the wall. "You shouldn't be here. It was easier when you weren't." "What Maggie told you.. wasn't the truth. I was in a coma for 3 weeks.. it happened the day you texted me. She thought she was protecting me." You say, needing him to know the truth. "So you never said any of that?" He asks. "No and I told you I didn't." You say. "I was mad. And confused." He admits. "I shouldn't have believed her." "No you shouldn't have." "I can't believe you're here. I've missed you." He breathes, his face so close to yours. Ring Ring Ring Baekhyun sighs, answering his phone frustrated. "Hello?" He snaps. "Oh hi babe. Yeah I'll come over when I'm done. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Bye." He says, hanging up his phone. "You have a girlfriend?" You ask. "I do." He says, backing away from you. "Shit." "I mean.. old friends can catch up right?" You ask. "And talk." "You're right. Definitely. What's your KKT?" He asks you. You give him your chat ID before hugging and going your separate ways. Not even 10 minutes later he messages you, telling you how much he missed you and how often he thought about you in the last year. [2:43am] You: If I'm being honest, there wasn't a day that went by that I never thought about you too. It might sound creepy but I've been keeping up with you from watching things online. [2:46am] Baekhyun: Oh yeah no, that's not creepy at all. Hahah. It's good to talk to you again and it was good to see you. You look great, minus the creep. Let me know if he bothers you again. [2:50am] You: unfortunately I have to work with him, so I'm sure he will be an issue. [2:53am] Baekhyun: Just let me know and I'll take care of it. [2:56am] You: i will. Good night Baekhyun. [2:59am] Baekhyun: Goodnight, beautiful. ** The next week you took your students out for a walking field trip, and imagine your surprise when you end up running into Baekhyun at the park. Of course, most of your female students start to lose their minds. "Guys, this is my good friend, Byun Baekhyun." You say, introducing them to him. The smile on Baekhyun's face fades away as you mention him as your friend. "Hello! Yes, I am Ms. L/N's friend." He says through gritted teeth. "It's so nice to meet you all." An hour later, Baekhyun had taken pictures and signed autographs for all the children in your class, leaving them beaming on their walk back to school. You can feel your phone buzz in your pocket, and you just know that it is Baekhyun. Opening your app, you were right, he was complaining about what you had called him. [11:13am] Baekhyun: Your friend?? So now we're just friends?? [11:15am] You: Yes we're just friends. Lol. You have a girlfriend, remember. [11:21am] Baekhyun: but still. You owe me. Date, tonight. [11:25am] You: if it's just as friends, i'm all in. [11:28am] Baekhyun: yeah sure, friends. The rest of the afternoon you spent trying to teach, but also trying to plan out your outfit in your head. You and Baekhyun were friends now, and that was good. He had a girlfriend and that was fine, because you were friends. But you didn't want to just be friends. You so wantex more with him. You wanted to kiss him, hold hands, cuddle, have him fuck you. But again, he had a girlfriend. You had to tell yourself that multiple times that afternoon as your thoughts would begin to wander into the dirty neighborhood, thinking about your first time together, the way his hands felt on your body, the way his lips moved against yours, the way your bodys meshed together perfectly. He had a girlfriend. ** That night Baekhyun picked you up in his Audi, playing a song that you'd heard on tiktok quite often, the trend of the men moving to their back seats. Your pussy instantly became wet. He had a girlfriend. "So what's the plan?" You ask, getting comfortable in the passenger seat. "Ice cream?" He asks. With a smile on your face, you nod yes. Who could ever say no to ice cream? As the two of you drive to a stand way out of Seoul, Baekhyun rests his hands on your bare thigh, causing your clit to throb. He had a girlfriend. You could feel his thumb moving, rubbing your thigh in circles. Fuck. You wanted him bad and you wanted him now. "Stop the car." You say, taking a deep breath. "Everything okay?" He asks, pulling over to the side of the highway, parking the car. "You can't do that.. you can't rub my leg like that." You breathe heavily. "You're turning me on and you have a girlfriend." "Am i turning you on? I haven't even done anything yet." He smirks. "Stop it." You warn him, a hint of a smile on your face. "So you don't want me to do this?" He asks, leaning over, placing a soft, sweet kiss on your lips. You feel like you might faint. "N-no." You stutter. "Or this?" He asks, running his hand from your face down over your breasts, to your thighs, stopping at the hem of your skirt. "Fuck." You whisper. You look over at Baekhyun who slouched back in his seat, slightly bucking his hips, showing off his very large hard cock through his pants. You lick your lips as your body begins to move towards him, before your mind even realizes what you're doing. You reach your hand over, rubbing his clothed cock, his head thrown back against the seat, little moans escape his lips. "Shit." He grunts, bucking his hips once again. You reach your other hand over, working on undoing buttons and zippers. Baekhyun helps you by pulling down his pants, letting his cock spring free. It was bigger than you remembered, but just as thick. You get up on your knees on the passenger seat, leaning over to wrap your lips around the tip of his cock, slurping up the pre cum that had been spilling down. You wrap one hand around his length, pumping him while you twirl your tongue around his sensitive tip. "Oh my god." He groans, pushing your head down deeper, making you swallow his cock. You bring your head up, taking a breath before you begin sucking more harshly, Baekhyun's hand remaining on the back of your head, pushing you down. "Stop stop stop." He begs. You lift your head, letting go of his cock with a pop. "I'm gonna cum if you keep going and the only place I wanna cum right now is in your pussy. Back seat. Now." He demands. With a giddy smile, you crawl to the backseat of his car right behind him. Baekhyun sits in the middle seat, his legs spread wide with his cock standing tall, waiting for you to sink down on it. You hike up your skirt, moving your panties to the side while you straddle him, before lining yourself up and sinking down on his cock, stretching out your walls. You pull down your low cut shirt, exposing your perky tits. Baekhyun takes one in his mouth, gently sucking and tugging on your nipple, while you bounce on his cock. "I've missed the way your tight pussy grips my cock." He groans, helping you move your hips to ride him. Baekhyun reaches his hand up, grabbing a clump of your hair, tugging your head towards him, bringing your lips to his. Immediately he slides his tongue into your mouth, deepening the kiss. You quicken the pace, grinding yourself on his cock, your clit being rubbed the perfect way. "Oh god, yes." Yoh cry out, breaking the kiss. "Cum for me baby, cum all over my cock." Baekhyun grunts, lifting himself to meet your thrusts, holding you tightly. The two of you are too distracted and desperate for your orgasms, you don't hear Baekhyun's phone ring, two different times. "I'm.. cumming." You cry out, wrapping your arms around Baekhyun's neck, holding him tight as you ride through your high. He continues with his hands on your hips, bouncing you on his cock as he chases his own oragsm. "Fuck." He cries, grunting as he shoots his cum inside you, filling you up. The two of you sit there for a moment, catching your breath before you hear Baekhyun's phone ringing again. "Pass that to me." He says, his cock still inside you. You reach back, grabbing his phone and with the way you moved you can feel his cock growing hard again inside you. "Goddamn." He groans, thrusting into you again. He looks at his caller ID, and puts a finger to his lips, telling you to be quiet while he answers the call. "Hello?" He answers. You circle your hips on his cock. "Whats up?" He asks. You grab your breasts, pinching your nipples. "Yeah no that's fine." He says, clearing his throat. You let out a small moan. Baekhyun reaches his hand up, covering your mouth while you start to really ride his cock. "Look, they're calling me back. I gotta go." He moans, his hand still covering your mouth. "Bye." He says, hanging up the phone, tossing it back up front. "You're a bad girl." He smiles, pulling you in for a kiss. ** For the next few weeks you and Baekhyun would meet up and nine times out of ten, you ended up hooking up. Everytime before you met up, you told yourself you wouldn't sleep with him again but then he would give you a look, or say something that made you melt and give into him. Of course you felt guilty, but you couldn't help yourself. Baekhyun was like that addiction that you couldn't escape. He was the one thing in your life you didn't want to get rid of. "We need to talk." You say, panting as Baekhyun pulls himself out of you. "Do we have too?" He pouts, laying down next to you, his cock still hard. "Yes we do. You have a girlfriend. We can't keep doing this." You say as he sighs. "I know. I know we can't but I don't want to give you up, and it's not like her and I are really heading anywhere, anyways." He says. "Then why not end it?" You ask. "It's good for publicity." He says, pulling you in close to him. "When the time comes, things with her will be done and then you and I can announce our relationship." He smiles. "Are we in a relationship?" You ask. "I would like for you to be my girlfriend." He tells you. "She's my girlfriend on paper but you're mine in real life. You're all I've ever wanted." He smiles, rubbing his head. "Are you sure you want a low class teacher?" You ask. "I couldn't ask for anyone better." He smiles, holding you even closer. ** Dating Byun Baekhyun was hard. Much harder than you had actually anticipated. He was always busy with rehearsal, if not that then promotions, variety shows, interviews, concerts, meetings etc. The list always went on and on. Of course he did his best to make time for you, but at the moment, his relationship with his girlfriend was at its most important peak, so often you found yourself watching videos of them being out in public together, posing together, featuring each other on their social media. Basically doing all the things you wish he could do with you but is unable to. You did your beat to remain positive but the lack of seeing each other, the secluded dates and whispered phone calls were beginning to be a little too much for you. Especially today, when you checked your Instagram and are mey with a very romantic photo of Baekhyun kissing this girl. A kiss that looks sincere and serious. The next photo he looked insanely happy. Maybe it wasn't just for the press, what he had with this girl. Maybe he had real genuine feelings for her but did also for you and didn't know how to choose. Maybe you should just make it easier for him and end things now, before you get anymore attached because if you do, you will never be able to leave, no matter what happens. You want to take your time with this, really think about it before you make a rash decision. You left your apartment, going for a walk to clear your head instead. As you walk passed an alley, you're pulled inside and pinned against the wall by a scary looking woman. "Leave Baekhyun and his girlfriend alone, homewrecker." She shouts, slamming you into the wall before running off. Startled, you ran back to your apartment, calling Baekhyun immediately. "Hi baby." He whispered into the phone. "I'm done, Baekhyun.. i can't do this anymore. Someone just told me to stay away from you and Hwasa. It's just too much and I can't." You say panicked into the phone before hanging up. You toss your phone on the couch, not wanting to talk anymore to him. Your whole body is shaking as you turn on your shower. Shivers spread down your spine as you undress, stepping into the hot water, trying to calm your nerves. "It's okay." You whisper to yourself, taking a deep breath. Twenty minutes later you're still in the shower, sitting on the floor, knees to your chest when your bathroom door opens and Baekhyun walks in. "Baby. You can't do that." He sighs, taking off his clothes to join you. "I can't do this anymore Baekhyun. And it's not just the girl. It's the secret dates, no being in public, not seeing you. It's too hard." You cry. "I know." He whispers, pulling you up and into his arms, the one place that never fails to make you feel safe and secure. "All I want to do is make you happy, so that's what I'm going to do. I'll get this sorted out okay? You need to talk to me. I can't fix things if I don't know what needs fixing." He says. You knew he was right. But you were scared. "I'm all in. Are you?" He asks. You nod your head yes. "Good. I have an idea." He smiles. "Stay there." He tells you, pulling out his phone. A few minutes later, your phone dings, notifying you that Baekhyun was live on his Instagram account, and you felt nervous. You had a feeling you knew what he was going to do but you weren't sure. If there was one thing that you knew about Baekhyun, he was unpredictable and usually liked asking for forgiveness more than asking for permission. "Hello everyone! How are you?" He smiles. You watch him walk around your living room, answering some of the questions. "You're right. I'm not in my usual place. This is a new place. No, it's not Hwasa's." He laughs. "I actually have something to tell you guys." Your stomach drops. What was he doing? "Hwasa and I were never a couple, really. It was for sales for her new album, our managers thought it was good marketing." He says. "No, I'm not single. Guys, I'd like you to meet the love of my life, my beautiful Ayn." He says, grabbing your hand and pulling you close to him. "She and I met a year and a half ago at a Super M meet and greet. We've recently reconnected and I couldn't be happier." He smiles. You look absolutely terrified. You know Baekhyun stans and they could be vicious, vile and just mean. You managed to peek at the comments, and surprisingly they were mainly positive. 'She's so beautiful' 'What a lucky girl!!' 'I ship it!!' Your heart melted at the fact that people were a tally supporting the two of you, something you never expected to happen. "Thank you for all the kind words but now I have to go and make some calls." He laughs, looking at his phone lighting up with texts from his manager, telling him to call him, now. "You didn't have to do that!" You say, after he ends his live. "I didn't but I wanted to. I never want you to feel less than in this relationship, Ayn." He tells you, making you melt. "But now my manager is losing his mind. I have to go. I'll call you later. I love you." He smiles, placing a kiss on your lips before answering his phone and leaving your apartment. Was this real life? Because it sure didn't feel like it. To think you had gone from Soyoung who rarely wanted to be seen in public with you, to Baekhyun who announced his love for you on his Instagram live, in front of millions of fans, was insane. The difference between a toxic relationship and a non toxic one was amazing and you loved it. ** Later that evening, Baekhyun had called you, asking you to come over because he wanted you to have dinner with him and the rest of Super M. Of course you said yes, they were basically his family and you wanted to get to know them better. You only had to knock once before the door was opened for you by Mark, who had a giddy smile on his face. "Nice to see you again. Baekhyun's in the kitchen..but" He pauses "Do you think I could have Lisa's number?" He asks right away. With a laugh you give him the number he desperately seeked, running off the moment he got it. Walking over to the kitchen, you open the door partially before you hear a conversation you're not sure if you should be interrupting. "She's not good for you Baek." Someone says. "How do you know? You won't even give her a chance." Baekhyun responds. "Kai, i'm sick of this. Back off. I love her. I'm going to marry that girl." "You're going to make her life hard. Harder than it already is. She's damaged goods. You deserve more." Kai says. You know he's right. Even though you've been trying to work on yourself, you're a mess and you likely always will be. Did you want to put Baekhyun through that? Your random mood swings, issues with alcohol, problems with fertility. He probably wanted a family but you weren't sure if you could give him that. "Yeah I know I deserve more. I deserve a better friend who supports me." Baekhyun scoffs. "Don't talk shit about her again. There's nothing wrong with her. Everyone has baggage, everyone has issues, if I didn't want to be there for her and help her through the problems, I wouldn't have bothered. But that's what you do when you love someone. You're there for them regardless if it's good or bad, or you're mad at them or not. Her last relationship was terrible.. she was treated like dirt so yeah there are some problems." Baekhyun says. "But.." Kai starts, before being cut off. "But nothing. You're choosing to see the bad, when I'm looking at the good. She's beautiful, funny and smart. She's got a mouth on her like a sailor and drinks like liquor is going out of style, but she's also generous and courageous and loyal." He tells Kai. This man. This man makes your heart melt. "Im done talking about this. Don't bring it up again. She's my future." He finishes, opening the door to the living room, seeing you standing there with tears in your eyes. "Did you.." he pauses. You nod your head. "Shit. Im sorry baby." He apologises. "I'm too problematic for you." You whisper with a sniffle. "That's one of the many things I love about you." He laughs, taking your hand to drag you into the dining room. The rest of the night was filled with laughter and jokes between you and the rest of the guys. Kai was quiet for most of the night, not actively participating in the conversations. "What's wrong?" Taemin asks him. "I don't think it's a good idea." Kai says, glaring at you. "What have i ever done to you?" You ask him. You're tired of this. You've never done anything to Kai for him to dislike you this much. "I've become quite close to Soyoung, and he's told me quite a bit about you." Kai says. "I didn't want to tell you Baekhyun, but since you're not listening to anything else I guess I'll have too." "Tell me what?" Baekhyun asks. "Ayn here went crazy on Soyoung. He went out with friends one night, and when he came home she had trashed his entire apartment, was screaming and crying and threatened him with a knife. Is that the type of woman you want?" Kai asks. You are still there with tears welling up in your eyes. He wasn't wrong, but clearly Soyoung didn't tell him the full story either. "Do you know why that had happened? Did he tell you?" You ask, your voice shaky. "He said he didn't do anything. You just lost it on him." Kai says smugly. "Hah. Sounds like him." You sniffle. "So I guess he didn't tell you earlier that night before he left he had hit me a few times? Told me that I was stupid and useless and a waste of skin. Said that I deserved to be hit, that maybe it would knock some sense into me." You cry. "Did he tell you that when he came home he tried to hit me again, and that's why i threatened him with a knife? I fully admit to trashing his apartment but I think I had a pretty good reason. Same with threatening him. I was sticking up for my life. Remember there's two sides to every story before you start sticking up for a woman beater." You snap, standing up from your chair. "I'm sorry." You whisper to everyone, hurriedly leaving the room. "You're a piece of fucking work." Baekhyun snaps at Kai, leaving the table to follow you. While he walks away he can hear the rest of the members standing up for you. Baekhyun opens the front door and finds you crouched down, crying into your hands. "Come here." He whispers, picking you up and bringing you to his room. He lays you on the bed, arms wrapped tightly around you as you cry into his chest. "I'm sorry." You whimper. "You have nothing to apologize for." He tells you. "You deserve someone not so fucked up." "I don't want anyone else. Just you. Past and all." He answers. "I don't think I can have children." You say. "We will figure it out when it is time to." He tells you. "I just want you." You fell asleep that night still wrapped in his arms, never have been feeling more safe. ** Over the next few months, Baekhyun had been hinting at a surprise he had for you, but refused to give you any details on it, telling you that you had to wait, that it called for the right moment. Then one morning, he called you at 7am and told you to get ready and be ready by 8am. Today was the day for your surprise. Baekhyun picked you up in front of your apartment, making sure to blind fold you before leaving anywhere. "Any guesses?' He asks, driving to a special destination. "Breakfast?" You ask, hungrily. He laughs. "No baby, sorry." "I don't know." You sigh, waiting for the ride to be over. A little while later the car stops and Baekhuun brings you inside a noisy building. You can hear announcements over the speakers, so you knew it was the airport. "Are we going somewhere?" You ask. "Nope." He answers, taking off your blindfold and making you face him. "Are you ready." He asks. You give him a look before he turns you around and you see your three best friends running towards you. The tears are instant as you run towards them, embracing them all at once. "W-what? How? Oh my god." You cry, holding them all tightly. "Baekhyun set it up." Lisa cries. Letting go of the group, you hug Beth first, then Lisa, leaving Maggie for last. You hadn't talked to her much, since you hadn't left things very good between the two of you. "I'm sorry." She whispers as he hugs you tightly. "I'm so so sorry." "It's the past. It's okay. Let's leave it there." You say, hugging her back. ** That night, the five of you went for dinner at a fancy restaurant and for whatever reason Baekhyun was very nervous. He sat there, his leg shaking as you four girls talked about everything. His mind seemed to be off in space, as he thought hard about something. No matter how many times you asked, he was always telling you that things were fine and that he was just letting you guys all catch up. After you all had eaten, Baekhyun stood up from his seat abruptly, looking you in the eyes as he got down on one knee, pulling out a ring box. You sat there shocked, with your mouth opened wide as your friend squealed and screamed. "Ayn L/N. You are the light and love of my life. Would you make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife?" He asks. You can't speak, just nod. So that's what you did. You nodded yes a million times, unable to even believe that he had just proposed to you. You got to spend the rest of your life with the love of your life. ** A year later, you're in a room with your best friends, while you wear a big poofy white dress. "Just do it after." Beth whines. "No I need to do it now." You demand. With a sigh, the four of you make the way into the bathroom. They all lift up your giant dress, letting you stick the small test underneath you while you pee on it quickly. "How long do we wait?" You ask, placing the test on the sink. "Three minutes." Maggie answers. Your stomach twists and turns as you wait the longest three minutes of your life. The doctor had told you and Baekhyun to not get your hopes up and that the chances of you ending up pregnant were slim to none. So when you missed your period and felt nauseous, you were skeptical but decided to take the test anyways and now was the moment of truth. You grab the test, turning it over and see two very bright pink lines. Positive. You do your best not to cry, not wanting to ruin your makeup before you get married. "Bride, lets go." You hear from outside the bathroom. Making sure you're okay, you head out, your new friend, and escort down the hall Kai waiting for you. You link arms as the grand double doors open, revealing Baekhyun waiting for you down the aisle while your friends and family fill up the room. "Welcome everyone. We have gathered her today to witness the union of Ayn L/N and Byun Baekhyun." The officiant says. "Before we begin, is there anyone who thinks this couple should not be wed?" You nervously waited for someone to say something but when it didn't come, you told him to continue. "The couple has written their own vows." The officiant says, letting the two of you speak. "I promise to always love you, even when things are bad, to never yell, or leave angry. I promise to always tell you how beautiful you are and hold you when you're sad. But most of all, I promise to always remind you that you are good enough, too good for this world and for me, and I promise to never let you forget it." Baekhyun whispers, holding back his tears. "I promise to always love you, be there for you through the good and the bad and in between. I promise to always support you in the decisions you make, and to always remind you how important you are to me. I promise to be your rock when you need it, your everything." You cry. "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride." He says. Baekhyun pulls you in for a kiss, dipping you down before bringing you back up. ** Later that night, during the reception dance, you slide your test to Baekhyun, leaving him speechless. "Are you serious?" He asks. "Doctors appointment Monday." You whisper, crying again. "Why are you crying?" He asks, pulling you into him. "What if it doesn't stick? What if I'm not a good mom if it does?" You ask. "Baby." He smiles. "It will stick. You're perfect. You'll be an amazing mom, you know why?" He akss. "Why?" "Because you are good enough." For once in your life, you finally believed someone when they said that. You knew Baekhyun wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. You always have and will be, good enough.

239 notes · View notes

residentlesbrarian · 4 years

Text

The Second Book I Read In the Dark: Another YA superhero novel for me to squeal over forever...YES, Please! Gimme Gimme!

Dreadnought by April Daniels

So Day 1 in the dark continues onward and I have already finished 1 of my 3 library books with still so much day left so what else to do but soldier forward and continue without pause. Well there was a short pause for delicious chicken soup cooked on a blessedly gas powered range (never gonna live in a house with an electric range; I swear this thing has saved our butts in so many power outages), but I digress; I was ready! This time I was taking a break from the whimsical and witchy and diving head first into all things super with an extra heroic twist.

I had heard so many good things about this book for so long but again it had fallen to the wayside of other distractions (a rainbow montage of movie and TV show gays runs back and forth through my head like the migrating fandom flamingoes). What finally made me make the decision to buckle down and do the thing was a video review done by one of my favorite YouTubers, Dominic Noble (Video Linked below). I love his series Lost in Adaptation, because as an avid reader I too find myself appalled by what Hollywood often does to my favorite books. Hearing him talk about Dreadnought was just the push my flighty brain needed to say, “Fine! Alright! We haven’t utterly obsessed over a teenage superhero book in like 6 months since we near bludgeoned our girlfriend with Not Your Sidekick! Fine! Let’s do it!” So...yeah if this intro is anything to go by this should be a fun one! Let’s dive right in shall we!

Unicorn Rating:

Blurb: She just wanted to paint her toenails in peace but then a superhero had to go and die and give Danny the one thing she never thought she’d have...her proper body. Now if only everyone else felt that way too. Life just got awesome and really really complicated all at once! Oh yeah and she can fly now. Bonus!

Disclaimer: I will try my best to not spoil anything from the book, but my book loving rambles may give more away than a traditional review. Here we go! Ramble time!

Review:

Holy crap! After the last book this was exactly what I needed! This book was just...so good! The plot...the characters...the world...everything about it just pulls you in and doesn’t let you go. Now I may have felt that way because I didn’t have anything trying to pull me away from this book but I don’t think I would have been easily pulled away if there had been distractions. And so many facets of this story were things I didn’t expect because I had never seen them portrayed before. Like the fact Danny having to deal with the rampant day to day sexism of being a woman now that her appearance matches who she really is. I’ve never seen that in a book before and I absolutely loved it! I was so dedicated to Danny’s story from page 1 it’s ridiculous, and look at that, a perfect segue into the phenomenal characters of this book...look what I did there switching it up going out of order on ya...gotta keep ya on your toes.

Our protagonist Danny is such a phenomenal example of a genuine kind caring person who is also deeply scarred and angry. It was so amazing to read a character that was flawed and struggling and doesn’t see how much a hero she really is and the small moments when others take that double take and go, “You’re the real deal, huh?” But those moments just confuse the living hell outta Danny cause she’s just Danny, she got super powers as a fluke. She is also hilarious and courageous and smart but knows she isn’t perfect and has weaknesses. She may be the strongest person on earth physically now but she acknowledges that that isn’t everything someone needs. Danny is such a good bean, but she has issues and that isn’t glossed over which is so rare. Now the next thing I want to touch on is a very tough subject but is very prevalent in the book so I wouldn’t be a very prudent reviewer if I didn’t bring it up. Danny is, without question, an abused child. This isn’t even really a spoiler, it alludes pretty heavily to it in the blurb, but what I’m gonna touch on next does dip into that territory so I’m gonna break it into a new LONG paragraph so just scroll on by if you don’t want to read this bit.

So at one point in the book Danny mentions a health screening at school that revealed she had hearing damage in her right ear that has now been healed by the mantle of Dreadnought. At the time of the screening she didn’t realize why until her dad had another Mount Vesuvius day and she assumed her usual position of curling in on herself and turning her head to the left so he would yell into only her right ear. Now how loud and how often do you have to yell into someone’s ear to cause permanent hearing damage? I don’t know and honestly I don’t want to know. Why am I highlighting an overall tiny moment...because for me this moment jumped out and gut punched me. Brought literal tears to my eyes. Tears of pain. Tears of rage. Tears of hate. I’m a weepy bitch when I get emotional. I’ve read a lot of books that try and portray abuse and how Daniels wrote Danny’s abuse from her father took my breath away because it felt so real. There weren’t really any good days, there were bad days, there were really bad days, but most days were just anxiously waiting for the next bad day, because Danny knew there would always be a next bad day. Something that did surprise me was my feelings about Danny’s mother. I knew going in I would hate her father, before even meeting him I hated him, but her mother, that was a hate that lay dormant until it exploded onto the scene and froze me to my core. I’m not gonna get into my own demons here but there is one thing I cannot abide by and that is people turning a blind eye while someone abuses another. Danny’s mother is the textbook definition of someone who “goes along to get along”, she will do just about anything to keep the peace, but at what cost? Instead of protecting her child from someone who literally screamed so long and so loud at her child that it damaged her hearing she just sat back and let them. That’s not the worst though, no, after Danny’s transition her mom seems to be understanding of the fact she is happy being a girl and is buying her things she needs like bras and undeniably feminine shoes, only to reveal it was all to keep Danny docile so she wouldn’t cause more fights with her dad. That to me is unforgivable. Not worse than the abuse of the father, but still undeniably selfish. She never cared about Danny or listened to her and what she was really saying. She just didn’t want there to be anymore fighting. Well I’m sorry, but sometimes, as a mother, you should fight to protect your goddamn child when someone is hurting them. The last thing I’ll say before going back to the more spoiler free and fun part of the review is that the fact Danny can never make herself say she is being abused hits so close to home for me. As a reader looking in from outside, there was a scene with a member of the Legion that I felt like, as an abuse survivor myself, I was standing there begging Danny to accept her invitation. To get out of that house. To get away from her father. To see what he was doing for what it was. But I knew she wouldn’t, she wasn’t ready, and it broke my heart to watch her fly away.

Anyway moving on from all that heavy stuff lets talk about other things like some freaking superheroes and one particular vigilante. We have the Legion members: Doc Impossible, Valkyrja, Magma, Graywytch, Chlorophyll, and Carapice. Now How do I want to talk about these characters...in what order...hmmm...how about from best to worst. Okay? Okay. Great!

I freaking love Doc Impossible! She is a character that from the moment I met her she gave me ‘kookie grandma’ character vibes and I get DOWN with kookie grandma characters. Now I know she isn’t a grandma character nor is she particularly crazy in the way she acts; it's just a vibe I get from her that I love. Now one thing I do want to say without spoiling anything is how Doc is one of the few characters that never tries to take away Danny’s agency in everything that happens around her in all this superhero craziness. Danny can always be her own person and most importantly a kid around Doc, and I feel Danny really needed that. I will stop myself now because I could go on for hours about Doc and how much I LOVE HER!

Next up we get a two for one, Valkyrja and Magma. We don’t see much of them but what we do get is pretty good. They are adult superheroes who have their own priorities surrounding what is going on with Danny, but aren’t mean or cruel and seem to genuinely care about Danny. Valkyrja is funny and surprisingly down to earth even though she is basically a scandinavian goddess of sorts. Also the hilarity of her being Danny’s long time celebrity crush never gets old. Oh Danny, you useless little lesbian. Magma is a precious big hot boy that seems like he’d give good hugs. Yeah, that's about all I got to say about him that won’t spoil anything.

Now we have another two for one with Chlorophyll and Carapice. These two I'm between dislike and indifferent on. They weren’t outright mean to Danny but they treated her more like a means to an end or down right refused to acknowledge she was the new Dreadnought whether they liked it or not, but we didn’t really get to see them enough to really learn more about their motivations.

Finally to round out the Legion we have Graywytch. Excuse me while I get this out. *Exaggerated throat clear.* First of all, Imma slap that stupid robe of ya stupid head. Then Imma stab you with your stupid fancy atheme you like to wave around all the time. And don’t even start on your “Typical male, always resorting to violence” shtick, cause guess what, I’m a ciswoman and I still wanna stomp a mudhole in your ass. And for that...Imma slap your dumb bird too. *Deep breath in. Looooooong exhale.* Sorry about that. Mama had to express some rage. I have never had a hate-sink character that made me feel the fiery flames of rage quite like Graywytch...obviously. Her treatment of Danny had me gripping the book tightly and growling about slapping birds and “shanking bitches” more than I should probably admit. She is one of those characters that I love how much I hate her. She served the exact purpose she was meant to and it was never cast in a light that she may be right in her treatment of Danny, we are always aware that her mindset is ridiculous. Like the fact outside of her parents Graywytch is the only character to blatantly deadname and misgender Danny. To go off on a small tangent here I may relate too much here because I have a younger brother who is trans (don’t worry he is fine with me discussing it in reviews and such) and I went to a graduation party when my best friend graduated medical school and he was out to the family but not extended friends yet. After only referring to him by the proper pronouns for so long at home hearing the wrong ones caused legitimate eye blinking record scratch cognitive dissonance for me. I had the same feeling anytime Graywytch opened her stupid mouth and blatantly misgendered Danny. Because the way this is written Danny is Danny, she is exactly who she is meant to be. Suck it Graywytch!

Okay, I know you probably want to hear about the plot I know, but we have one more character we have to talk about and that is Calamity, the rootin’-ist tootin’-ist vigilante that ever did come through these here parts. Sorry, I have to talk like this now, it’s part of the persona, you have to commit to the persona. But real talk, I absolutely love Calamity as a look into “graycapes” and the real dive into the world of superheroes beyond the big heroes. We get to see how someone who doesn’t have the backing of the Legion goes about helping people, the little people, those that maybe the Legion way up in their tower can’t see from so high up in the clouds. And y’all know me, I love a morally gray vigilante with a heart of gold. She had me at “You wanna go capin’?”

Now obviously I couldn’t get enough of the characters but the plot was pretty darn good too. It was so intricately woven in with Danny and her inheriting the mantle from the previous Dreadnought that she had no choice but to be an integral part of it. Now I obviously don’t have as much to say about the plot as I did the characters but know if you come for the plot you won’t be disappointed. It kept me guessing and threw me for an absolute curve ball at the end that I did not see coming! You won’t be disappointed.

So final thoughts...there isn’t much more I can say without going on an hours long squeal fest about how much I freaking loved this book and the characters and the intricacies of how Danny’s powers work and how she was written and how she interacts with different characters and just everything that would mean massive untakebackable spoilers! So I will end on this note; Danny is a character that it would have been easy to lean into the superhero aspect and let the reader forget that she was trans, but April Daniels didn’t want that. Danny was gifted the easiest transition in the history of the world. What takes most people years of HRT and surgeries and therapy Danny did in the passing of a mantle, but it never took away the fact she is and always will be trans. It was a unique reading experience that I have only been blessed with once before but that’s a story for a different review on a different day.

Queer Wrap-up: I would give my left kidney (that’s my good one btw) to give this book five unicorns, but alas I cannot, a one off conversation in an elevator hinting that a certain improbable doctor may have a one sided thing for a particular sadly straight scandinanvian god being is just not enough to count as additional rep. As much as I love this book, and I love it A LOT! We only have Danny as our queer rep and she is fantastic rep and our protagonist so a 4 unicorn rating was a no brainer on this one. Danny is the kind of trans rep I want to see more of in the world of books, YA and otherwise. Being a trans lesbian is a huge part of her character but she gets to do so much more than that in the breath of the story and that’s what I look for in great representation, so Danny easily earned these 4 unicorns on her own merit just being her amazing self.

Links:

Goodreads

Dominc Noble’s Review

Alright so...this one got long. Ah hell, I ain't gonna apologize for it! This is a damn good book and I wanted to get my fangirl squeal on y’all.

Oh no, I think I’ve been thinking about Calamity too much I slipped into the persona without meaning to! This book was just far too much fun to read to the point I started reading it out loud with a full cast of voices (hint: the Calamity parts were my favorite) because it flowed so well and was genuinely so funny at parts and heart wrenchingly sad in others and so action packed the next moment. I finished this book in less than a day and if I had been more present and not under a pile of blankets and wearing a headlamp I might have thought to keep a timer to tell you the exact number of hours it took me, but alas know it didn’t take me many.

So the adventures reading in the dark continue on to the next review after this one but as always if you want to read this but don’t want to spend the money without knowing for sure you are going to like it, go to your local library. You’d be surprised what they have on their shelves just waiting to be discovered. Trust me, I’m a lesbrarian.

#Dreadnought #april daniels #nemesis book 1 #resident lesbrarian #4 unicorns #mtf transgender lesbian #ya novel #ya science fiction #go to you local library #but wear a mask #and wash your hands #and stay 6 feet apart #be safe guys gals and nonbinary pals

37 notes · View notes

emachinescat · 4 years

Text

That I Could Fear a Door

A Tales of Arcadia: Trollhunters Fan-Fiction

By @emachinescat

Summary: Jim had thought that going back home, back to the real world, would be an easy and painless process. He thought it would be simple - it should have been simple. It wasn’t. A reimagining of Jim’s return from the Darklands, where he quickly finds that adjusting to real life after so much trauma isn’t as easy as one might think.

Words: 5,639

TW: PTSD, depression, panic attacks

Keep reading here, or on AO3!

Years I had been from home,

And now, before the door

I dared not open, lest a face

I never saw before …

I laughed a wooden laugh

That I could fear a door,

Who danger and the dead had faced,

But never quaked before.

- From "Home" by Emily Dickinson

Jim had thought that going back home, back to the real world, would be an easy and painless process. After all, during his weeks in the Darklands, first alone and searching the endless shadows, then hunted like an animal, then captured and beaten and forced to fight for the sport of others, hadn't he dreamed endlessly of just that? Of seeing the sun again, of seeing his friends, of hugging his mom, of cooking and eating and training and playing video games and slacking off on homework? He thought it would be simple - it should have been simple.

It wasn't.

The first few moments after crashing back into the over world were indeed euphoric. There was the sun, filtering in through the branches of the trees. It took all of his self-control not to stare straight into it. Even in the evening breeze, there was a warmth in the air that he hadn't felt in so long that it seemed more like a memory. He lay there, flat on his back in the grass, wishing he could feel the soft tickle of the blades on his skin, but trapped in his Eclipse armor. Still, he was free.

Much of the next hour was a blur. He later would recall a few hazy moments - hugging his friends, receiving the amulet from Blinky and finally - finally - shedding the stifling second skin of the Eclipse armor, trying to convince Nomura to stick around, Claire semi-joking about how bad he smelled, and the word free chasing itself around in his head like a dog after its own tail. Free, free, free!

He would always remember in perfect clarity the moment he hugged his mother again, but that hadn't come until later the next week. He wanted more than anything to go to her immediately upon his escape, but Toby and Claire convinced him otherwise.

"What's she going to think if you come home looking like … well, looking like… that?" Toby demanded, gesturing unhelpfully to Jim as a whole.

"And the smell…" Claire added, also unhelpfully.

"You have been through a great ordeal, Master Jim," Blinky reminded him gently. "If you go home now, there will be questions you cannot answer and not the rest you need."

And so Jim reluctantly agreed to go home in Toby's stead with Aaarrrgghh while Toby covered for him at home once more.

It was surreal, Jim found himself thinking as he stood in the Domzalski household's upstairs bathroom, shower already running hot behind him and Aaarrrgghh just across the hall, waiting for him in Toby's room. Just this morning, he had woken up in a cage on cold stone, in a state of perpetual, gnawing hunger that had become the norm, hanging on to the tiniest thread of hope that today might be the day he was finally rescued - but knowing deep down that it was much more likely to be the day he finally died. Now, he had a full stomach for the first time in nearly a month. He was with his friends, safe, electric lights warding off the darkness that had been his hell for so long. Hot water waited for him, beckoned for him. He could be warm and clean again. Just a few days ago he had said something about how much he missed soap. He should have been happy, he thought miserably. Maybe happy wasn't the right word. He was very happy to be away from the Darklands, from Gunmar and Dictatious and goblins and monsters. But he wasn't content.

He also couldn't bring himself to undress. He had been standing in front of the mirror for a good five minutes now, as steam billowed out from behind the curtain and fogged the glass, obscuring the face he'd barely recognized anyway. Good riddance, he thought half-madly, for the boy in the mirror was a warped doppelganger, touched by death and despair, with his sunken eyes, wan skin stretched too tight over abnormally prominent cheekbones, dark, puffy bags under his eyes, and a smattering of bruises and cuts pulling the whole package together with a sickly little bow. His hair was a bit longer than he usually kept it, matted and caked with dirt and blood. It felt crusty to the touch, and brittle somehow, as if it would crumble to dust if he tried to brush it.

He looked bad enough as it was from the neck up. He had no desire to see what awaited him beneath his filthy clothes. He wondered blearily how they had gotten so disgusting when they had been underneath his armor the whole time. Sweat and revoked shower privileges would do that to a person, he finally reasoned, and at once he found he couldn't get in the shower quickly enough.

He stripped off the offending garments with an urgency he hadn't felt even at his most desperate moments in the Darklands, nearly tripping over the edge of the tub in his haste to get in. He was relieved that the mirror had fogged, but he still avoided making eye contact with it just in case.

The water burned his skin, but he turned it hotter, attacking his hair first with nearly half a bottle of shampoo, applying and rinsing, applying and rinsing, until he couldn't see from the suds cascading down his face and the murky water ran clear. He conditioned once, something he'd never done before. He didn't know if it did anything, but it made him feel cleaner.

And then he was scrubbing himself all over, the water reddening the skin on his arms (he studiously avoided looking anywhere else), again and again, as if trying to peel his very skin off. Dirt and sweat and blood poured off of his battered body and he watched it meander toward the drain in a detached sort of way before resuming his frantic washing.

It wasn't until his skin was so raw that he felt like he was an onion peeled of its top few layers that he stopped, breathing heavily, exhaustion threatening to overwhelm him, nausea roiling as he regretted the deli sandwich he'd scarfed down earlier. Knees weak, he found himself sinking to the floor of the tub, knees drawn up awkwardly to his chest. The water pounded on his head, back, shoulders, and he let it, slipping into a kind of sleep-trance, watching the water swirl around his feet before making its relentless way to the drain. He thought of nothing, felt nothing, and only broke out of the haze when the water grew cold and panic lanced through him at the loss of warmth. He turned off the water, more tired than he could ever remember being in his life, somehow managed to stand up on wobbly legs, wearily slid back the shower curtain - and froze.

Since he'd been in the shower so long that the water had gone cold, the mirror had also de-fogged, and he found himself unwillingly confronted with the specter that he had been hoping to avoid - his reflection.

Before he'd been captured, he'd scavenged for food and found himself eating something mostly every day, so he'd been nourished but always hungry. After he'd been taken, however, any meals - and he used that word lightly - were few and far between. They'd fed him just enough to keep him alive. He could see now from his emaciated frame that they had still essentially starved him. He'd been Gunmar's prisoner for what felt like years, but it had to have been a week at most.

Still, close to a month without a reliable food source had done its work: He'd always been skinny, but now he could see, fully defined, every rib. Any muscle mass, lean though it might have been, that he'd gained during his training was gone, his arms weak and frail looking. His armor had protected him from extensive physical damage all the times that he had been beaten or tossed around like a soccer ball, but his whole torso was mottled with bruises of all colors, shapes, and sizes, all in different stages of healing. A good deal of them were centered over his ribs, and he winced as the pain that had been his constant companion flared up. He wondered vaguely if he needed to see a doctor. He wouldn't be surprised if Gunmar had cracked a few in one of his rages. He cast the thought aside - how would he explain the state he was in? - and turned abruptly from the horrible, somehow shameful image of his battered body and quickly dressed in the pair of pajamas Toby had let him borrow. They would have swallowed him whole on a normal day, but now they made him feel tiny and breakable and pathetic and weak, and he only kept them on because he hated the way he looked underneath even more.

He offered a simple "G'night," to Aaarrgghh before falling into Toby's bed, expecting to fall asleep the instant his head hit the pillow.

To his surprise, and to his irritation, sleep refused to come. He couldn't get comfortable. The bed was too soft, the blankets too warm, and the moonlight making its way in between the cracks in the curtains toyed with him, tickling his eyelids with the suggestion of light and making it impossible to fall asleep. There were none of the noises he'd come to grow accustomed to, either - no faint buzzing of the magically reinforced bars holding him in, no tromping footsteps of the guards, no click-clacking of goblin claws or snorts or whistled operas or snarls or distant, echoing screams…

In the end, Jim tossed and turned, sick with fatigue and enraged at how cruelly sleep evaded him. He finally, mercifully fell into a restless, nightmare-filled slumber around five in the morning, but even the worst of the dreams didn't wake him, exhausted as he was, and he was trapped back in the Darklands, suffering torture after torture at Gunmar's hands, until he woke again eighteen hours later, on a cot in Troll Market.

He had been moved there at dusk the next day when his coma-like slumber pressed on and his friends, who had not realized the extent of his injuries or exhaustion, grew worried. Vendel had examined him while he slept, expertly bound ribs that had indeed been cracked, and performed all the healing rituals and magic he knew to be safe for a human. Even so, he'd warned Jim, who felt numb and wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, it would be a week before he could even begin to regain his strength and pass as his old self, and longer for him to truly be back to the same physical shape he had been in before he'd gone to the Darklands.

And so Jim stayed in Troll Market, under Vendel's care, for another eight days, while Toby got to put on a magical mask and pretend to be him and have his life and hug his mom. Jim tried not to be bitter about it, but it was hard. Blinky and Aaarrrgghh spent all their spare time with him, and Claire and Toby came to Troll Market after school every day and kept him company until they were expected home. Jim talked to them, laughed hollowly, took the homework they gave him, and then retreated within himself as soon as they had disappeared out of sight.

It will be better soon, he kept telling himself desperately. I just need to get out of Troll Market, go back home, get back to my normal life. Once I'm feeling better and things are back to the way they were, it will be like I never left.

Once again, he was very wrong.

***

In the weeks that followed his re-emergence into his real life, Jim discovered very quickly that the life he had left was either very different than he had remembered it to be, or that he himself was very different than he had once been. He supposed both might be a little true.

Being in his mother's embrace was the only thing that felt completely safe and normal after his return. He didn't care that she had just grounded him; when he finally saw her again, he hugged harder and longer than he could ever remember doing, and he had felt better, more like himself, until he'd tried to go to sleep that night and the cold returned. The next morning, he had attempted to do his usual routine like nothing had ever happened, but even that familiar motion felt hollow and the smile he flashed his mom before leaving for school barely concealed the emptiness just beneath the surface.

Other than that first hug, everything else around him, including his friends, school, good food, trolls, even his mom - all things he had coveted during his time in the Darklands - were strange and foreign to him.

Claire and Toby, though they did their best to be understanding and supportive, were obviously thrown off by his sudden mood swings and sullen attitude. They seemed distant and somehow unfamiliar, and Jim found himself feeling awkward around them, unable to figure out what to talk about or why he should laugh at the joke Toby had just made. Didn't they understand that none of this really mattered? There was so much darkness and pain and fear just beneath the skin of this world, and if they scratched the surface just a little too deeply, it could break loose and destroy them all. So he did what he could to avoid these awkward moments all together, and barely noticed the hurt and disappointment blooming in their eyes as he shut them out and walked away.

He'd thought school would be a great return to normalcy, but everything about it grated on his nerves. Even the cheers as he returned to campus - Congrats on beating Jim Lake Disease! - made him feel claustrophobic. He barely held it together anytime Steve cornered him, his heart racing madly in his chest like it wanted to escape, with or without him. The teachers were demanding, the sound of the lockers made his head ache and reminded him too much of the sound of a cage door slamming shut, and once, when Coach had grabbed his arm to show the class proper movement for a volleyball serve, raw, animal fear had overtaken him, and he'd flipped the teacher onto his back and scurried, terrified, under the bleachers. He barely remembered it, except for the pain in his chest, the short, insufficient puffs of breath, and Claire finally coaxing him out after class dismissed and herding him to the nurse. It was a panic attack, she'd said, eyeing him with concern, and had he had any drastic life changes, any unusual stressors? He lied, because he couldn't do anything else, and she told him to consider seeing a counselor anyway.

"Maybe the nurse is right," Claire said on their way to Troll Market that evening. "You're obviously struggling with this. Maybe you should go to counseling, or something." Her voice was soft and soothing, like she was talking to a wounded beast. Perhaps she was.

Jim laughed, a harsh, cold sound that stopped his best friends in their tracks. "Oh, sure, I'll just do that," he said sarcastically, hating himself as the bitterness dripped from his lips like an overflowing witch's brew but unable to stop the words or the emotions that spawned them. "I'm sure there's plenty of shrinks out there that can help me with my troll-induced trauma."

One of the things he'd missed the most was food - good food, not soupy nightmare-creature eggs or slimy soup made from monster meat that was probably not good for humans but that he had scarfed down on the rare occasion that Gunmar had deigned to feed him. Now, he ate because it was expected of him, but he barely tasted the food. Even his favorite recipes were like ash in his mouth, and cooking didn't bring him the pleasure it once had.

If Claire and Toby were baffled by his behavior, their confusion was nothing compared to that of Blinky and Aaarrrgghh, his two closest friends and trainers in Troll Market. Blinky had fretted on more than one occasion that perhaps they had brought home a changeling Jim somehow, not the real one. After all, Jim Lake, Jr. was kind and funny and fun to be around, and this new Jim was brooding and dull and never truly present. Jim saw the worry in Blinky's six eyes and in the anxious set of Aaarrrgghh's jaw, and it saddened him - just not enough to shake him from the waking hell his life had become. Training was a monotonous routine as he gradually built his strength back up, and even Draal, perhaps the least emotionally-inclined of the trolls save for Vendel, found himself hesitantly asking the young Trollhunter if he was okay, if there was anything he needed that might help him feel better. Jim gave him a half-hearted smile, truly touched, but said no. He wasn't sure anything could fix this hole that had been drilled inside of him. It was too dark, too empty, and it hurt too damn much.

His mom had noticed a difference in him too, but she was at a complete loss. Jim tried his hardest to be his old self when he was with her, and being in her company did bring back a spark of his personality, but even so, he saw the concern in her bright blue eyes whenever she looked at him, and he'd seen her at school in conference with Seňor Uhl, and knew that she was trying to get any inkling of what was eating away at her son. Claire and Toby were no help to her, either, for after she had cornered them after school one day, demanding to know what had happened and why Jim was behaving so uncharacteristically, they had taken extra care to avoid her, unable to say or do anything to ease her worry.

***

And so this went on for nearly two weeks before Toby, Claire, Blinky, Aaarrrgghh, and Draal met up with the sole intention of finding a way to bring their friend back. He was suffering so much, and no one could truly understand what he had gone through.

"He clearly has signs of PTSD," Claire said heavily, clarifying for a befuddled Aaarrrgghh: "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"This… order?" Aaarrrgghh drawled, eyes wide in concern.

"Disorder, big guy," Toby corrected, heaving a weary sigh. "It means he's been through something traumatic, and he can't deal with it."

"Well, how do humans usually deal with their trauma and stress?" Blinky asked, always straight to business.

Claire and Toby exchanged knowing glances. "Most of the time, we don't. We just avoid it all together," Claire admitted. "But when someone has been through something like Jim has - extended periods of isolation, being a prisoner, abuse - it's not enough to pretend it doesn't exist." A tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away with the heel of her hand angrily. "I knew he'd be in bad shape when he came back," she admitted. "But he was so happy to see us when we rescued him that I thought that maybe he would be okay."

"What do humans do if they cannot ignore this trah-mah?" Draal enunciated the unfamiliar word. It was quite endearing to see such a hulk of a beast with so much concern in his dark eyes.

"Usually, they see a therapist," Toby supplied.

Aaarrrgghh frowned. "There - I - pissed?"

Toby snorted in almost manic laughter. "Therapist," he repeated, still chuckling. "A person who goes to school to know how to help people with their problems and stuff."

"Well," Blinky said, a new light in his eyes, "we shall venture forth and find Master Jim one of these therapists! Then he'll be back to his old self in no time!" He noticed the dubious expressions on the humans' faces. "What? Are the therapists extinct?"

"No," Claire replied. "But Jim was right - he can't talk to anyone but us about what has happened, and he obviously has no interest in talking to us!"

"Yeah," Toby chimed in, "if he went up to a shrink and told them that he had been stranded in a dark, forbidden hellscape searching for a lost child and then was the prisoner of a crazy troll that wants to escape his eternal prison and conquer the overworld… he'd be thrown in the loony bin for sure."

"So it's hopeless." Blinky's arms fell limp at his sides. "We can do nothing to help Master Jim escape the clutches of PDSC." Neither Toby nor Claire bothered to correct him. Blinky continued, "Is there anything else that might help Master Jim? Anyone else that he might talk to that would not throw him in this 'loony bin'?"

Claire opened her mouth to say no, but shut it abruptly, the light of an idea sparking in her eyes. "Actually," she said, the hint of a real smile making an appearance for the first time in a very long time, "I think I have an idea." When six pairs of eyes locked onto her hopefully, she added, "And it might even be a good one!"

***

When Jim got home from school two days after the secret meeting between his friends he was surprised to hear someone bustling about in the kitchen when he opened the front door. His mom worked late on Tuesdays, and anyway, her car wasn't in the drive. He reached his hand into his bag, paranoia growing, and his fingertips had just brushed the curve of his amulet when a tall Asian woman wearing a smart pantsuit limped into sight. His bag fell to the floor.

"Nomura?"

It was odd seeing her in her human form; after spending so much time around her changeling form in the Darklands, he had forgotten that she was quite pretty as a human. "Hello, Little Gynt." Her voice was also much less grating in this shape, but he found he didn't like the softer tones as much anymore.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, picking his bag up and hanging it on the stair rail, though he closed his hand around the amulet first, clutching it tightly in one fist. It wasn't that he didn't trust Nomura - she had proven herself to be a loyal, if reluctant friend - but because he had come to associate her presence in general with danger. If she noticed his cautionary measure, she didn't mention it. "I thought you left," he added as an afterthought.

"I did, but I came back," she replied vaguely. A stab of annoyance shot through Jim, and even the negative emotion came as a relief - he had felt nothing but fear and numbness since returning home. The change was nice, even if it was fleeting.

"Why?" His eyes narrowed. "Don't tell me you were worried about me?"

She studied him with dark, serious eyes for a long moment. "I don't worry about anyone," she finally responded.

Jim felt a small smile tug at the corner of his mouth. She said this, but he could see beneath the surface now. Their time as prisoners of Gunmar had shown him that there was much more to the changeling than met the eye. He waited for the consuming awkwardness that always set in when he was around his friends to descend, but to his surprise, he continued to feel relatively comfortable around Nomura, more at home than he had in a long while.

"Shouldn't you be in a wheelchair or on crutches or something?" he asked, gesturing to her legs. Normally she wore dresses, so he could only assume that the legs of the pantsuit hid some spectacular bruises. "I thought your legs were really hurt."

"They were broken," she agreed. "But my kind heals quickly." She moved forward slowly, then sat on the couch. "They still need a bit of rest to recover fully, though."

Jim sat down across from her in an armchair. "I can't remember if I ever said - thank you, for believing me, for helping me escape." He paused, eyes on his fidgeting hands in his lap. "For being kind."

"Well, I'm more than just a pretty face," Nomura said, and it was impossible to tell if she were joking or not. After a companionable silence, she asked, "So how have you been holding up, Little Gynt?"

Jim didn't know what it was about her, but something made him want to tell Nomura about sleepless night after sleepless night, about the nightmares that plagued him whenever he finally collapsed from exhaustion, about the cavern that had been dug seemingly overnight between himself and his friends, about how he either felt nothing or everything at every moment, about how loud footsteps made him anxious and how physical touch - except hugs from his mom - made him want to wither into himself or run away screaming, about how he had had all these expectations about what life would be like on the other side of Killahead Bridge, and how none of them had come through. He gave her a weak smile, and said, "I'm fine."

An undefinable expression flitted across the changeling's features. "Yeah, kid," she said finally. "I'm fine, too."

***

After that, Jim came home on Tuesdays and Thursdays, his mom's late days, expecting Nomura to be there, because she always was. Sometimes they'd have a cup of tea and sit in silence. Often they'd talk about mundane things - Jim would talk to her about school and his mom, and Nomura would talk about anything from opera to history to art to the strange old man who had flirted with her at the laundry mat Sunday night.

These visits, as ordinary as they were considering she was a changeling and he the Trollhunter, slowly seemed to draw more of the old Jim back out into the light. Talking to Nomura was different than talking with his friends; perhaps it was because she had been there with him in the Darklands, had suffered alongside him at the hand of Gunmar. And the more he talked to Nomura, the easier it was to talk to his friends, too. Slowly, the cavern that had been dug between him and his friends, troll and human alike, began to shrink, and he laughed aloud at a stupid pun Toby made at lunch, and he didn't retreat into himself every time a locker slammed. Still, there was a barrier between himself and his real life, the one he wanted back more than he could express but that was always just out of reach.

He found himself actually complaining to Nomura about this three Tuesdays after he had first found her waiting for him in his home. "Toby spent weeks wearing a magical mask and pretending to be me and to have my life," he said. "Sometimes I just wish that I could put that mask on and be me again too."

Nomura was quiet for several seconds, and then she told a story that seemed to be very much off topic: "When I was a child, I was told stories of the human world. It was a wonderful place, full of light and life and the sun…"

"What does this have to do with-?"

"Shut up and let me talk." When Nomura told you to do something, you did it or risked life and limb. So Jim wisely shut up and let her continue. "I grew up longing to go to that world, to see the sun and to feel the warmth and the light. The surface world was a fairy tale, and I was a little girl who grew up in the dark. Nothing else could have spoken to me more.

"But when I was finally given my chance to come into the world, to take the place of a little Asian-American girl named Zelda Namura, I was separated from my parents and my home, all alone in a world I did not understand, and it didn't matter how much I had dreamed of the sun, it wasn't what I had expected at all.

"Adjusting was… difficult. It was not until the human body I had replaced had grown older and was taken by her family to the opera that I found something that connected me to this world, something to enjoy, something of beauty. But it wasn't until I met another one like me, here in Arcadia, while under the employ of Bular, that I truly felt at home."

"Mr. Strickler," Jim realized.

"Yes. There's something very special about talking with someone - even if it's someone you're not crazy about - that understands you, where you've come from, and what you've been through."

"Is that the moral of this story?" Jim asked, partially touched, partially exasperated. "Are you trying to tell me that talking to you is going to make all of this go away because we've been through the same thing?"

Nomura shrugged. "Who knows? I just think it's a good story. You can take what you want from it."

Jim smiled.

And then everything, like water pushing relentlessly at a weakening dam, broke.

***

Jim could never remember crying the way that he did that evening. He didn't think he was sad, exactly, or hurt, or even angry anymore - he was just exhausted and overwhelmed with everything that he had gone through but kept to himself. The fear and humiliation of his capture, the paranoia that his friends were never going to trust him after he betrayed their them and went to look for Enrique without them, anxiety about Gunmar and the paralyzing horror every time he wondered if there was any way he could have followed them out of the Darklands, how he was having trouble connecting with the world he'd always known, the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the numbness and terror that followed him interchangeably, the way that every touch to his arms sent him back to his prison, being dragged painfully between two trolls strong enough to rip him in half with one swift yank…

He talked and cried and had no fewer than two panic attacks, and Nomura just sat there quietly all the while, watching with an unreadable cocktail of emotions in her eyes. When he had finally quieted, his heart feeling both emptier and lighter than it had since before he had made his journey to the Darklands, she simply handed him a packet of tissues she had packed in her purse and asked, "Better?"

He offered her a sniffle and a watery smile, unable to speak anymore, too stunned to fully process what had just happened. She stayed by his side, just being there, until his mom's headlights shone through the blinds. She would climb out the bathroom window and into the night.

Jim slept peacefully that night. If he had bad dreams, he didn't remember them.

***

It was a slow process, even after the cathartic conversation with Nomura. Jim slowly found himself acclimating more and more to his old life, with friends, school, home life, and even troll hunting becoming things to look forward to rather than dread. Loud noises and unexpected touch still startled him, but he was able to ground himself more easily now. He fell into a routine very similar to the one he'd had before, what seemed like a lifetime ago.

Cracked ribs, bruises, and cuts healed much faster than emotional scars, but at least he knew, in time, he would be okay. He was acutely aware that nothing would ever be exactly the same as it had always been, though. What he had gone through was something no person, no teenager especially, should have to experience. And while he had entered the Darklands of his own volition, none of what had happened to him there was his fault (at least that's what they told him; it would take a long while to truly believe that himself, but that knowledge, like everything else, would come in time). He had been isolated in the dark, on the run, hunted, captured and held in deplorable conditions, starved and beaten, forced to fight for his life, and nearly broken beyond repair, but he had made it this far.

Things might never be as they were, but he could forge a new path from here. He could grow stronger, adapt, overcome, and prove to Gumnar, to his friends, to troll kind, and to himself that he was more than what had been done to him. He was more than pain and trauma and helplessness and fear and rage.

He was James Lake, Jr., Jim to his friends, the first ever human Trollhunter, the son of Barbara and student of Blinky, Little Gynt, and even, he supposed, Buttsnack. Some days he would only feel like some of these things. On bad days, he wouldn't feel like any of them.

But he wouldn't forget the truth. He wouldn't lose sight of who he was so completely, not again. And, if by some horrible twist of fate he did, he knew now that he had an odd but utterly complete assortment of friends - humans, trolls, and even a couple of changelings - who would help him fight his way out. Out of the Darklands. Out of the past and pain and dark recesses of his own mind.

And into, as cliche as he knew it was, the light.