#i didnt even feel this bad during my graduation

[good-oldfashioned-lover]

@re-is-back-in-black @silence-between-seconds @her-midas-touch @daydream-of-a-wallflower @not-rab @good-oldfashioned-lover-girl @thedvilsinthedetails @dementorfromazkaban @harry-potter-just-posted

Tagging all you guys because I mostly actively talk to you.

I am 51 days away from my exam which means it's time for me to start getting my shit together. (it is insanely stupid how they make us take one (1) exam that'll quite literally determine our whole life when we're so young tf that's so messed up)

I'll be deleting tumblr til then. Ik I promised you guys a smut fic but istg I'll come back with atleast 3 smutfics to maybe make up for it? *laughs casually in obvious attempt to conceal my guilt spiral on leaving you guys "High and dry"

@multishipperofgaydeadwizards dw I didn't forget you lmao I just wanted to say that I'm gonna come back with SO MANY wierd ass ships just be ready I'm gonna make up for 2 months of absence muahahaha

Wtaf guys- I had insta for like a year or so before i had to delete it for same reason but I wasn't 1/8th nearly as emotional and I am now and I've had tumblr for only like 2 and half months now sndkdkdndfjjdjdkdn

Ik some of you guys sent me messages but I'm gonna have to come back to them because the more I stay the more I'll chicken out of deleting because I love you guys so much aaaaaaahhhhh

Please spam me with a shit ton of stuff to come back hehe <3 {but like only in my asks and messages plis coming back to two months worth of mentions will just send me into a dysfunctional spiral💀 wow am I so easy to manage? (/sarcastic)}

I love you guys sooo much and I'm gonna miss you and I'll most definitely cry later today hehehehehe

*dramatic whisper* this isn't goodbye. This is just a see you in a bit * sparkles sparkles* *dramatic whoosh of the cloak and I dissappear into the darkness*

~💋

[macroglossus]

being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED

[elvenking42]

.

[n0ct0urn1quet]

think i migght acactully drop out of school lmao i cannot do this shit anymore . i was fine a second ago but the thoughts got too strong and so now im Mad

[cwarscars]

i do love how much more militaristic heid is in the remake universe. and how he's got much more valor / honour. it's obvious my portrayal of him is entirely based on the remake / rebirth version of him. however, my lore is a mix of the original / rebirth. i love the original so will draw from it a LOT.

but one thing i appreciate massively in rebirth with heid is that everything we see of him is actually good. like, they've actually added the nuance i wanted to his character. though he's in fewer scenes than i'd like, it warms my heart to see his character expanded on in a way that isn't entirely negative.

in remake, we see him as a bully. he's brutal and cruel - he's a villain in every sense of the word. but, since writing him and analysing his scenes - i told myself 'no, this character is a WAR veteren - he isn't just a moustache twirling villain as people like to say', i tried my best to write him as a character with flaws, good and bad. i wanted to portray a sadistic, brutal man who holds grudges and scars. who is as capable of being loyal and brave as he is a monster. and i do appreciate rebirth for giving us the humanity that i wanted so desperately to portray in my portrayal -

like; i love his interactions with the soldiers. as @ivory-paragon said on my last post; that pride he gets from his soldiers doing a good job in his own seeking approval from his new boss. like, if they do a good job - he does a good job ( at least, he sees so ). it's nice to see him appreciate them, even for a second. and its good to see him pine for rufus' attention. he wants rufus to know that he's competent and doing a good job. at a later point in the game, when rufus demands his directors prove their loyalty. admittedly, i found it a little odd. heidegger has already given his blood for the company and for him specifically. this is a post ill make another day, im sure.

and during the ceremony, we see both a much more professional conduct from him AND a more heroic side of him. i made a post analysing his actions and suggesting they could be a mix of valour, self preservation, bravery or kindness. i see it as all of the above.

in later scenes, we see heidegger openly berate a traitor / show disgust over someone being a traitor. he resents it. i love that because it once again shows us his code of honour. his thoughts and feelings toward the military and how passionate he is to those he serves. heidegger is a low of things but a coward is not one of them, i love that rebirth has confirmed that.

idk, i got a lot of feelings. im sad that i didnt get more of my boy. of course i am, i played the game watching dyne and dio and thinking how tempted i am to try and take them up but also, heid has such a strange, special place in my heart.

since writing him, i lost my dad and my best friend - nina. i've grieved so much and been through so many life changes from graduating uni to changing career all while writing this character and idk, he's always been a consistent place for me to channel emotion through writing / analysis. so, it's nice seeing him again and even nicer having some of my own theories confirmed to me.

[polyamorouspunk]

hii taking you up on your advice offer 😭 ur poly so maybe u have more experience with this than me, how would i break up with my longterm partner?

we’ve been dating for 2 years, it really has seemed perfect but lately idk its just felt wrong. we’ve kinda planned our lives around eachother and moving in together once we graduate, but i cant make myself want to kiss them or be romantic anymore, i dont want to respond to their texts, i get annoyed at them for no reason. they havent done anything wrong theyre wonderful its a “its not you its me” situation to a T.

all of our friends are mutual friends, but most of them were technically my friends first (all the people they used to hang out with sucked) so im scared if we break up they wont have anyone to talk to about it. i really dont want to hurt them.

i honestly might realize this is just me being dumb and all of this will pass and ill want to be with them still once it does, but since i have no clue how id break it off i feel so trapped. i want to know i have a way out if things dont get better, i want to stay with them because i truly changed my mind not because i didnt have a choice.

Not in a poly sense but just a “have had a few relationships” sense I guess I can offer advice.

So I’ve never actually broken up with anyone before, except for the last guy I was messing around with (Catboy) just because as much as I had sooo much feelings for him it was like the most unhealthy “relationship” for me. Like I finally realized like “oh I’m actually NOT better off seeing him, my mental health is ACTUALLY worse” because of his shenanigans.

However, I did have a long term partner who I dated for 6 years who we had plans to move in together and get married etc. same kind of deal, all their friends were my friends. And they dumped me, and yeah, it was really fucking hard even though I knew everyone was going to take my side. And the one person who didn’t I ended up not speaking to anymore because I was like if you’re not going to realize that I’m the only one whose going to keep talking to you because my ex doesn’t give a shit about keeping in contact with people, then that’s on you.

I was devestated. This was like 3 years ago at this point and pretty much right up until about this year I felt like I was somehow “living in the wrong timeline” and like my entire life’s trajectory had been pulled out from underneath me. Not from the breakup so much as them just deciding they never wanted to speak to me again, that I was bad for their mental health, etc. which I always told them if I’m ever bad for your mental health then break up with me, and I meant it and stand by that and their decision, but it still fucking hurt.

Like if that’s what they had to do that’s what they had to do. If that’s what you have to do then that’s what you have to do. While I am of course resentful to my ex, and I hope they get hit by a car or something sometimes, I do stand by their decision that if I wasn’t good for them then I’m happy they left me behind. I don’t know if other people are going to have that same view upon being dumped. I mean like I said I still hate them. But to say that they should have stayed with me for my sake is hypocritical.

Not only that, but an issue of intimacy was occurring between us during the lead-up to the breakup. And as soon as I wasn’t with them anymore and I was able to be with Catboy instead I got a taste of what I had been missing and GOD it felt so good. For the first time ever I felt like someone actually wanted to be intimate with me. It was an amazing feeling. My ex dumping me opened up the door for me to have things I was missing in that relationship. So it wasn’t all bad, for sure.

You have to do what you have to do for yourself. You come first. If you need to break up with your partner, or take space, or whatever, you just have to go for it if you really think it’s what’s best for you.

[corvidcall]

Fascinated by your sarah z hate- would love to hear more about this if you’d like to share. My experience of her is just that mediocre Homestuck vid or something she made.

lmao yeah sure i guess i can expound on it

i should preface this by saying that i dont think shes like. a bad person. and i dont have some secret knowledge of problematique things shes done that we should all Cancel her for.

tl;dr i just think her videos are really bad. she keeps making videos about stuff that i was there for and then being wrong about them, and it drives me crazy. on top of that, it just rubs me the wrong way to make your whole brand "the lady who talks about tumblr"

like, i think her homestuck video sucks (and i think its very funny that she admitted that she only spent a week making it, but ALSO got really defensive when people said she was wrong about stuff. like, i think the way whatpumpkin and andrew hussie responded to her video was Bad but also that doesnt retroactively defend the original video from being poorly researched and, in my opinion, in bad taste. it was weird to make a video where you talk about all the controversy about hs^2 not that long after the whole project got cancelled because too many of the trans women working on it were receiving daily death threats)

and i think the mcelroys video sucks (that was the last one i watched before i gave up entirely. its really long and very boring, and basically is just her listing a bunch of stuff they did that people had problems with, which essentially puts "travis was annoying on twitch" on the same level of seriousness as "taz: graduation used a lot of harmful native american stereotypes". i genuinely am not sure what the point of this video was supposed to be, because it feels like its her reading a tumblr callout post. also she was wrong about taz: amnesty. the ending WAS foreshadowed, it did NOT come out of nowhere, she just wasnt paying attention.)

but the onceler fandom video is honestly the absolute pits. i am still friends with a lot of the people that i was in the onceler fandom with, and i genuinely havent met a single former onceslut who thought her video was good, or the least bit accurate. her thesis basically boils down to that the onceler fandom was just a bunch of young teen girls projecting fantasies onto a nonthreating decently attractive fictional guy, which isnt that weird and people are only making a big thing about it because they hate teenage girls. and her conclusions arent WRONG, per say, since people DO hate teen girls and this is a thing theyre known to do... its just. thats literally not what the onceler fandom was at all?? first off, when i got into it i was 17 and i was the youngest person i knew by far. almost everyone i saw in the fandom were in their 20s, and a lot of them were not girls at all. and as far as any of US remember, the thing sustained the fandom wasnt 13 year old girls exploring their nascent sexualities, it was people using the barest pretense to make OCs, and then craft stories with and about their friends OCs. it was a really cool unique experience because it was a fandom for the things the fandom built. a lot of the people i knew had never watched the movie The Lorax at all, or didnt really care about it one way or another, but DID get really invested in the dynamic between Swag and One, or got really invested in the two big AUs the fandom had. By the time i got there, most people had kinda moved away from the canon onceler anyway, and were focused almost exclusively on the AUs (there was a high school AU and a zombie apocalypse AU, and then during the summer the high school AU blogs would do a child summer camp AU. i liked the zombie one best because i love melodrama, but the high school one was most popular). i know she was IN the onceler fandom (allegedly...) but as far as i can tell, she was just there at the very start, because it changed WILDLY even just a few months after its inception. and there's no way anyone who saw the fandom that I was actually in would make the sweeping statements about it that she did.

broadly, her videos are too unfocused and not really well-written. her one on Oppa Homeless Style was a genuinely good video!! I know she CAN do good videos!! But so many of her more fandom-focused videos dont really seem to have a thesis beyond "this happened" or maybe even "this was kinda weird right?". like what is the viewer supposed to take away from the video about the mcleroys? that they made a podcast that was really popular and then got less popular? why did that take you TWO HOURS to say? and even when she does have a strong thesis, its always muddied by the fact that she feels compelled to add in really long, boring digressions. I think the video about All or Nothing was good, and made an interesting point about how pan and ace people are really starved for meaningful rep, but i dont understand why she felt compelled to recount the entire plot of the webseries someone made? what did that contribute to the thesis? its like shes reading a wikipedia page, and not like. an actual ESSAY. that someone structured to convey a POINT.

but overall i just take umbrage with her whole "tumblr historian" shtick. i think its kind of gross to put really niche (generally woman-dominated) subcultures on display so people can come gawk at the freaks. ive heard the defense that "she IS a fandom person!! these videos are FOR fandom people!!" but 1. if its supposedly supposed to be for me and NOT an audience of people unfamiliar with the thing shes talking about, then there would be no need to spend so long explaining what everything is, and 2. i can at least say, in my own subjective experience, that i said basically all this to my sister, who told me that thats why she likes sarah z at all, because the videos let her come gawk at all the fandom freaks on tumblr. so its cool that sarah z is giving the person who bullied me my whole life (specifically because the way i engaged with media was too cringe) more reasons to bully me for being cringe. big preesh sarah. glad youre making money off of the free content all of us put out, and even more glad that youre profiting by taking all that free content and presenting it to a largely hostile and judgemental audience who already thinks im a fucking idiot. why dont you make a video about my popular hamlet post next, since you seem to make videos exclusively about things i did.

anyway if i want to watch video essays about fandom, i'll watch princess weekes, whose videos are substantive and not... idk very juvenile. not that i think there cant be more than one youtuber talking about fandom!!! its just that sarah z's videos are mid at best and actively bad at worst, so im not gonna bother.

(all that being said, i occasionally look at her blog and reblog stuff. while shes working down in the tumblr mines looking for content to steal, she does frequently find some decent posts to reblog)

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[cybermeep]

attended graduation. surprisingly cried less than i was anticipating, at least during the event. cried a bit afterwards, mix of realization & fear of not being able to get home safely. i did, luckily… my mother eventually came. wore a suit & tie, specifically the tie my friend gifted to me. heated up like a car in front of the sun. brought a drink since i knew if i didnt id maybe faint because of heat exhaustion. more likely nausea.

sat with an acquaintance, rambled to her. felt sick during most of the ceremony. almost puked, uh… three times. nerves hit like a brick wall. literally. nauseous because of nervousness. wanted to yell & holler but i dont have the voice for that. simple quiet ‘yay’ syllables had to suffice. brought sheldon & wiffle & chiquitito. gave chiquitito a bath before i left. got ready an hour or so early. sat outside & looked at birds in the meantime

in an ideal world i am very smart & funny & talented & talk to everyone & perfect. in an ideal world i dont get so worried my body physically shuts down. in an ideal world, i would be able to say something as simple as, “oh my gosh, i’m so happy for you! take care!” without bile festering. i try to live in this ideal world, try to be the best i can, but ive learned this is really really hard for me to do because frankly i am quite stupid. i know this is a haha funny joke 70% of the time but if i actually start gagging on nothing i know it’s probably a bad sign and i should stop overworking myself lest i actually do puke. it would not be very appealing to throw up in front of a plethora of my peers & their families. god…..

don’t even.. don’t.

[head in hands]

fine. FOR THE SAKE OF JOURNALISM! nothing else.

“I FUCKING— I HATE THEM. SO MUCH. I’M SORRY, I KNOW THATS MEAN—“

mother & other party member: “ITS NOT MEAN.”

[still reeling from remnants of stomach acid (as i did not eat anything in the morning when i took my meds which probably doesnt help this, although i didnt wanna eat then puke up whatever food it was i ate there either)] “I’M JUST— UGH! I’M SO FUCKING, I’M SO MAD.”

snippet of conversation. back seat with extra space just because. emotional & still nauseous. almost cry on the way home because of these weird things called human emotions, tears only well up; don’t actually fall. ramble to a man who knows a lot of people. miscellaneous conversations follow, like the one where i ask him if he can do anything about my favorite teacher being laid off. he says he’ll try. he…. how do i say this… knows… many individuals…. hes nice, slowly grown more used to his presence. i think if i cried with tears and snot long enough he’d be able to do many things, which is crazy & absurd but genuinely accurate. scarily accurate.

home, sitting outside & watching birds feed from the bird feeder. emptied it while i was gone. northern flicker, blue jay, blue-capped chickadee, common grackle, tufted titmouse… a wide variety. sprinkle some seeds on the ground for both squirrels & robins since they seem to not use the bird feeder much. robin right in front of me now, actually [was when i was typing this sentence]

i only made one note / doodle in my notebook during the event, but with words written & context applied its maybe better i don’t share it. saying…. heated words….. from a person that dislikes being rude unless someone is genuinely vile, is not as vague as one thinks they are. still, its pretty funny to imagine me being violent… slap thing was genuinely the first time i ever put my hands on someone like that

anyway, now theres three grackles near my bird feeder. two underneath. they’re so cute its almost upsetting, except its not. its quite nice to feel less alone

something something hi there something something oh hey i said everything now. i should probably lay down before my stomach gets worse

really happy i went, though. wouldn’t miss it for the world

[enchantedpendant]

things that have happened during the course of the 1 year-ish time i took off this site

1. my mental health reached the worst point it has ever been in my entire life

2. quickly and secretly took myself to a psychiatrist (props to myself ngl but also a huge thank you to a close friend of mine who recommended this particular doctor) and wow im so blessed to have her as my first ever encounter with a psychiatrist or even any kind of mental health professional… it may not be too much of a stretch to say that i owe her my life

3. during the critical time of just beginning to recover… caught some romantic feelings for one of my closest friend since high school (been friends since 2014) and got into a situationship which lasted barely a month… i managed to realize that the way things were going were NOT helping my mental health recovery and i told him that we should just be friends. no shade towards him tbh, he’s nothing but stellar as a friend and ngl he may have significantly helped me find the will to live again… but it really just wasnt working out well romantically with all the circumstances surrounding it. my brain being in the right place didnt necessarily mean my heart is tho lol it took several months for me to just… stop thinking about him and “oh how things couldve gone differently if only this and if only that” every now and then im fond of him, still am, and would probably always be

4. got off sertraline… and not quite bcs my doctor had advised me to but because i had just started to skip enough doses for my body to get used to being without it and start feeling the side effects whenever i try taking them again and i’d rather not😂 i’d like to fully put the blame on night shifts and school and all that but really some of it is just… my bad lol but anyways shoutout to sertraline for saving my life when i needed it!

5. juggled my mental health recovery with about 2 months of studying nearly 24 hours a day 7 days a week (i mean, as much studying as i could get done lol ive never been the studious type) in preparation for my exit exam… shoutout to the ten people in my study group for tolerating me through it all

6. passing my exit exam!! and graduating med school!!! finally being an MD which still feels unreal. anyways it is SO nice to finally close this chapter and go on to the next (also my skin started clearing up real quick after the exam results came out and knowing that i passed lol its almost like the cause of my skin problems was just med school all along😭)

[crushisms]

Just a big personal rant about being touch starved but afraid of intimacy. Being aromantic but desperately wanting a partner. And also just my fucked up head

Been realizing lately that im incredibly touch starved. Thinking back to the first romantic relationship i ever had, my girlfriend Sam, I always wanted to be touching her. Holding her hand as we walked through. Leaning against her shoulder on the schoolbus as I fell asleep.

I was always so upset when she would deny me these things, typically because it was the south and we were two gay middleschoolers. She grew up here around that atmosphere, saw the homphobia and I didn’t, so i didn’t really understand it.

I was really shit at romantic relationships (Likely because I didn’t realize i was Aromantic yet), and I think the main thing I wanted was that physical closeness all the time. I don’t blame her at all for it, but I think that was what broke the camels back for me. 

Before her, I had a lot of male friends and I was around a lot of male predators online. I never quite realised how it would affect me, but I wanted their attention all the time and whenever they talked about how they wanted to touch me, i liked it but i was also so uncomfortable with it. They wanted sexual relationships and I wanted to hold someone. After them i was terrified of being in relationships with guys, even platonically. Because of them I thought I was a lesbian. 

I think when she shrugged off my affection, it made me think that people didnt want to touch me. That combined with the insecurity I had about my body when she helped me realise I was trans just made for a horrible jumble of emotions. 

I shied away from people touching me after that, Teachers putting their hand on my shoulder, my mom’s attempts to kiss my cheek, and even with my brother who i love more than anything. I didn’t want people to touch me, but at the same time I really really wanted to lean against someone. 

My second girlfriend was years later. Sometime during highschool, I really drifted away from all my IRL friends and even Sam who i stayed really close with even after i was really cruel when we broke up. I started having a lot of online friends, and I met my second girlfriend Liv. She was a great friend of mine, and It makes me sad how far we drifted apart after we broke up. With her i could talk about physical contact, i could draw our sonas holding eachother and being in love, but as it progressed I realised I didnt feel the same way she did. 

When i broke up with her, its what made me really realise I was aromantic. I toyed with the label after sam, but I was so in love with the idea of a partner that I shrugged it off and called myself asexual instead. After Liv i realised that i was very much Aromantic, i just couldnt feel that way about them, but it fucked with me so bad because..  still wanted a partner. I didnt want a romantic relationship, but I wanted a friend i could cuddle with, do anything with, my other half. 

After i graduated from highschool, I lost touch with almost every single one of my IRL friends. I still keep contact with two of them to this day, but other than that i dont have a single friend IRL. I gravitated heavily towards my online friends and relationships, since they were all i had left. 

I met some great people and I love them more than anything in the world but i constantly wish i could be right there with them. Grabbing them by the shoulders with excitement, shaking them. Wrapping my arms around them and laying against their chests. 

I’m realizing now theres an exact fucking word for what i want. Queer Platonic Relationship. I want that kind of closeness without the expectation of romance. I need that kind of relationship and it makes me so viscerally sad that I cannot get the closeness I want from the friends I have. I just want to get on a plane and fly over to my friends and hold them close. 

Its really funny I think, how ive been experiencing all of this for years, and ive never thought about it. Ive never gone and unpacked it all before. I’ve been writing more lately, and through that writing its making me realise these things about myself. Theres no real purpose or message or anything behind this rant, I just need to get these horrible little thoughts out of my head. 

I’m gonna go back to writing fics now instead of this monstrosity, but if u read this uhhh hi thanks for dealing with me i guess? Im a mess but i’ll be alright 

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.

[blackvail22]

okay idk why that kinda makes me mad. they did that EXACT SAME THING to me during the summer and even her birthday party. hell, they did it at my graduation party and throughout school. i told them about it during school last year, and nothing was fixed. still isnt!! i cant get over it, dude. "if she wants to be friends w bad people, be my guest" "i was the only one who defended her through that and she talked shit abt her all the time!!" B. i need u to be honest... do u think the situtation w je and this situtation now is much different? sure, ma didnt drive ka to openly talk abt contemplating, but it just makes me upset. how am i supposed to tell you that the same way u feel now is how i felt seeing u w je? it feels like me defending you was all for nothing. i never couldve wished you to experience this, especially as the one being left out AGAIN... i just hope u find better friends. if that means leaving me behind, i would understand. i just want u to be happy

[foursdarkdays]

About me?

Honestly idk why i suddenly thought about writing all this here but ig maybe??? i could find the root causes of my mental health? idk

Sooo umm It all started when i was 11, back in 2011 when my Mom's father kicked us out basically. I dont really have a father, i mean i do but hes not really there. My mother married him out of family pressure and that didnt end well. He had severe anger issues and was always jealous that my mom earned more than him. male ego ew. He wanted mom to leave her job and be a houswife with a lot of restrictions but thankfully my mom stood up for herself and they were living seperately. They never lived together tbh. my father was from another city and my mom didnt move there due to obvious reasons. so anyway yeah back to the story. So when we were basically homeless, we rented a house . glad my house had a good gov job so we could afford it. It was during summer holidays right after my 6th grade when everything started affecting me mentally. I would stay home alone all day, no tv , no phone , no colony friends it was very lonely. Weird thoughts kept coming in my mind it was a devils house lmaoo. Plus the family fights and stuff were taking a huge toll on me. I didnt share this with my school friends back then prolly because i was embarrassed or because i didn't find the need to? I did'nt know how to behave with people. i started getting aggressive about a lot of things and my friends left me for that. Later i realised and apologized for my behavior and got them back.

anyway so back when i was in my grandfathers house, we were a joint family0. my grandmother, granfather, mother and her brother and sister and i. There were fights almost everyday but later when my aunt and mama got married the fights got more intense. i used to run up to the terrace to avoid all the shouting. I think thats one of the reaons why i get so worked up when i hear people yelling. trauma?.

anywayyyy so everything started effecting my studies and my acadmeics went to hell. i love my mom but back then she'd say all these mean things to me like "Why were you even born" "you're so useless" honestly i dont remember now but yeah that also affected me a lot mentally that i started self harming. It was out of curiosity at first but then i got addicted. The physical pain made the mental pain feel less. I self harmed almost everyday. it was like a drug to me. When my friends found out about it because i used to cut my hand like the whole hand, i started cutting my leg, It hurt a lot, sometimes i couldnt even walk. i just wish id bleed to death or something. Family and bad academics made everything worse. and as a cherry on top, something happened in school. Everyone thought i was a liar and it was like everywhere i went, people spoke bad about me that i dreaded going to school. Anyway this self harming continued till 2016 November ig? (i started in 2013) i self harmed in the hostel as well lol until.. until my ex best friend cum my roommate tried to end her life. It was scary. She left school but i kept thinking about it. Somehow that made me stop trying to kill myself for a while and completely stop self harming. I used to have a lot of anxiety attacks without knowing they were anxiety attacks.

anyway this even worsened during my bachelors. My depression and anxiety got very severe. Not just mentally but also physically. The chest pains, the body pains, the nausea and fatigue, the constant tiredness and fear. I completely failed academics which in return increased my anxiety. I felt so hopeless and useless beacuse i was good at nothing. It took me 5 years to graduate a 4-year bachelors degree with 34 backlogs and numerous failed suicide attempts. i wasnt even that brave to hang myself or jump off but but it was mostly over doing my anti-depressants. oh yeah i went tp therapy, that guy saw my self hard scars and told my mom. fuck. anyway mom was worried. also i'm glad she never told me anything about my academics she never made me feel like a failure im very glad. Shes always encouraging. I feel selfish that i tried to end myself when im the only one left for mom but i couldnt and cant help it. Im sorry mom you obviously deserve a better kid. A much better kid. So ummm yeah after graduating and leaving therapy because the meds werent working i started feeling a bit better? the anxiety and depression went down or maybe i just learned how to live with it. it was already 2022 which means 11 years of depression. i think anxiety came along in 2016? honestly idk but ik i started treating it as a part of me, i accepted it and it did help me. It doesnt effect my daily routine because ive learnt to live with it.

anyway so about my father, he kept visiting from time to time. at first it was every month, then it became once in 2 , 3 ,4 ,5 . Its not like he cared. He never helped us emotionally or financially, Even when my mom was hospitalised and had a surgery in 2013, he didnt come to see. He only visited when he wanted to. My mom went througha lot because society talks yk? she basically a single mom and its hard to live in this stupid country like that. People talk shit about you. Anyway it took me 16 years to realise that my "father" never really cared. I started despising him and even his presence (once in a year) gave me the icks. His family also always spoke bad about my mother including himself ig. I didnt know how to asnwer people when they asked about him. okay so anyway he came home last year (2022) and i had to kick him out because it was becoming suffocating for me and mom. mostly mom so i did it for her. I said some rude things to him so that he wont come again and trust me i feel shit but yeah he deserved. And he came home on my bday early this year (jan). I still remember the way my heart dropped seeing him.I hate birthdsys because of this. I had to kick him out again. Again people talk. No one sees his mistakes , how he never called or gave a fuck about us. they only see how we kicked him out. I hate him . and then later i got to know that he also tried to ummm hchoke my mom back in 2003? when we went to visit him. I was there. i have a vivid image in my head that i can never forget. Theres also some secret that my mom and grandfather are keeping from me. idk if ill ever know about it . He prolly has another family maybe? idk p maybe its something worse. anyway thanks to him i cant look at any other man without thinking of him now.

yeah so now back to me. I ruined my life. idk if it can repaired. I'm trying to do my masters. I have applied to some collges in australia and one of them rejected me. my cgpa is 6.2 and i have 34 backlogs with no work exp so its hard, All i want to do is die because i cannot take this anymore. I dont try to kill myself anymore but i wish i could.

All of my friends have jobs or are doing their masters. what am i doing? i know i ahouldnt compare myself but do you think its easy? Everyone out there is indepedant already and im nothing? Its very embarassing and hard. The time is ticking like a time bomb and im terrified.

i need to get away from this place. I need to heal and i just need anothee chance from life where i could repair myself and move forward. I will never be able to move on if im here. There's a lot of pain and trauma here. ISTG if it doesnt work out, i might really do something to myself, i will shut myslef comepletely and just wait till i die.

ill add more things if i remember, now i have cramps on my fingers bye

[chocoyeo]

ohhh there was a bunch of things but the main is that chan isn’t allowed to do chan’s room anymore bc the last time he did, it caused a fan war (its so stupid. he just mentioned how some of the newer idols don’t greet the senior ones and that he finds it a lil odd and disrespectful. but he literally also said “but idk maybe i’m just old fashioned”)

and he didn’t mention anyone. but stays on twt especially started guessing and decided he was talking ab this one gg and that gg’s fandom are like… all minors lol. bc the gg is full of minors jdhgfdhja so they got really angry. and started sending a lot of hate to chan even though he didn’t mention anyone. anyway. the thing escalated and chan had to release an official apology even though he NEVER mentioned any names and was just speaking in general.

but anyway, yeah. so he can’t do chan’s room anymore. he told a fan one-on-one during a fan meet but someone in the audience was filming it and made it viral. which made stay go crazy and send hate jyp and his family kwjhwgfdjk

and then chan had to kinda low-key tell them to stop on bbl and that they aren’t helping the situation like they think they are. but anyway. all the drama lasted for a few days and then it went poof! as usual AHHAHAHA (in happier news…. skz won a VMA two days ago!! they were so excited hehe)

and awwww summer holidays are over? :( das sad. but hey at least you’ll be one semester closer to graduating~ that’s fun hehe. good luck with uni starting againnnn <3 i hope you stay relatively stress free hehe

sorry for the late reply help but this sounds like a total mess dfsjdkfd i read some stuff abt this but i didnt think it would blow up this bad ! I might not feel that affected from all this since i lost interest completely but im sure if it happened a few years ago i would be screaming crying sobbing since i remember clearly how i would build my schedule around chans room

i saw skz at vma and thats so nice, they've come so far :( <3 !!!!!!

SKDFJHDSKF ONE SEMESTER CLOSER TO GRADUATION IS QUITE THE POSITIVE WAY TO LOOK AT IT but yeah ur right, i also cant wait to finally have a proper schedule (so i can complain abt it i guess since im a mess no matter whether i have schedules or not kjhdskfjdshf)

[queenferretofthewoods]

TW: Venting, suicide, self harm, bullying.

So i gotta be real with me for a minute, like i hold stuff back even from those who i know are there to hear about my problems and are ready to help me if i ever needed too, but i was raised as a "Help yourself" kinda kid, my mom used to beat me and stuff, it was the bread of every day back then, but i was also bullied and often made fun of by other kids for whom i was, though it would go away with time but it only got worse.

I got to the point where i had to move schools after numerous times of me not wanting to go to school and telling my mom i was being bullied wich obiously she just said "kids are like this just man-up"

who says something like that to a kid?, after all of that i suppose i got a little bit of trauma to even be me since, fear to get bullied again, made fun of, and to be a victim.

but my mom didnt even helped when i needed to and only got me worse, after a time i was a "quiet kid", and i didnt mind it i grew up being all alone and stuff, still i was still talking with some kids but mostly i keeped to myself drawing away my time, but still hearing what sorounded me, how kid think that i would be the first to go, or the kind of kid that would bring a knife and cut himself, i just didnt told nobody and moved on, on high school i was cut off everyone else, the tenage hormones making their precense didnt helped me get throu but still i somehow survived more exclucion and detachment from others kids and still got called names, i was 12 and was considering to jump off the 3rd floor of my building and still i was surviving somehow.

I belive that i was just going throu some bad situations, and stuff would get better, than my loneliness would go away and could make friends and stuff, but i graduated sitted alone, my group had planed ahead to got me in the spot where i wouldnt even be with someone from other group, and i wasnt holding it during that day i got mad like i never had i feel before, i just wanted to cry my eyes out, die on the spot, i was loosing my shit, my mom saw me on the edge of crying and all she got to say was "boys dont cry", that stuck in my head for a whille, she never in her life had been there for me, in my lowest momments she just mocked me, was petty and i didnt wanted a solution to my problems anymore i wanted payback, thats where my relation with my mom finally got broken, started refering to her by her name, refused to do stuff, and just a couple of years ago, got me paying my self for my own stuff, i got my own apartment, lost a couple of years before i could get into a university, i started to feel more comfortable with my self, got a Bf and discovered my self in the procces, but the ideas where still hanging on the back of my mind, hurting my self, ending it, i consider it a couple of times, but told my self i couldnt do it, that i would hurt my Bf at the time....

We broke up shortly after i got into university, my mom suddently appeared in my life again, called me names, got fired from my job, and struggle with money for a month.

but i was fine i was.....i never been fine, i told my self i never be a victim, that i would never be made fun of again, that i would end my loneliness, and in the procces i got my self cut apart from everyone else, i though i had it all pulled togheter but i was merely blinded and i was never fine, i was holding by a thread, i alway denied my own fellings, this sadness this anger and this depression, all the ideas i had scratched for fear to get judged, and became shy to even try to ask for help, and i want to be done with that i want solutions, my iner child is asking for me to be free, this dome i put around him to protect him must be lifted break this self deprication and to ask for the help i need

To my past self i want to say im sorry, i should have be me from the start, i should have accepted to be the weird and happy child i wanted to be, to my new self i want you to learn to accept that mistakes are there to be enbraced not to be feared and that only from them you can get better at what you want and to dont give yourself up because it didnt worked the firts time