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katiesfriendzone · 10 months

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tw: pedophilia; however please read b/c you all deserve my honesty.

I am extremely apprehensive about writing this and understand if you all can't be my friend anymore. I just cannot take the feeling of lying by omission to you all anymore.

I am friends with self-identified non-offending female pedophiles and it's because the big problem I allude to on my blog was thinking I am one.

In 2020, I was coming to terms with the fact that my beliefs were not very consistent, and the situation with Emmett made me realize I didn't really have business calling myself a feminist. this led to a period of intense questioning of many things I believed to be an established part of myself.

This period of questioning lead to an intense period of what would probably be labeled POCD. I still struggle to understand the difference between a closeted sexual orientation and an intrusive thought, as closeted gay people also experience their attraction as "unwanted thoughts"; thoughts being unwanted doesn't mean they don't reflect something real because they could be unwanted for so many reasons.

The idea that it was my sexual orientation made sense. After all, if being a lesbian or a gay man can also be characterized by aspects of personality not necessarily related to sex, like a gay man reminiscing of playing with girls instead of other boys at recess or a lesbian reminiscing on her days on the softball team, surely my form of gender nonconformity, which doesn't embody rugged masculinity or feminine polish but childish lack of both adult femininity and masculinity, could be part of my orientation. It would explain why I felt asexual towards men and towards women.

I like kids. That is obvious. I can't peek into anyone else's head who likes kids in a Normal way and see if their feelings for children are different from mine. I think children are, physically, cuter and nicer to look at than adults. I don't feel anything about their genitalia but as we know I actively dislike both vulvas and penises so that's kind of a moot point. I've never watched CP, but I've also never really watched adult porn. A mutual of mine who's since blocked me, maybe bc she was canny enough to clock this or maybe just bc im annoying, wrote a great post about queer refusal, and how queerness is often implicitly defined about being about being more and more open sexually, whereas for lesbians, often the most non-conforming thing about them is their LACK of attraction to/refusal of men. I think women who aren't attracted to men and lack the capacity to be attracted to men for whatever reason are queer, oppressed, etc. full stop.

I understand why, hearing this news, your concern and compassion would not be for me, but for children. I understand, with child sexual abuse being so rampant and CSA:pedophilia being synonymous in people's minds, that it could seem insane that someone who is hypothetically doing all this damage could be the one who is sad. I would like to make a big ask right now and ask you to consider queerness through the above lense and see why someone who is not attracted to men or to women might relate to or find solace in gay, lesbian, queer sentiments and struggles.

again, I can't peek into anyones head. I feel less repulsed by vulvae and penises than I did at the height of all this, and there are certainly adults who I like to look at (hi Dev Patel), and when I feel even the slightest glimmer of attraction to an adult, I indulge in it (hi, obsessive Dev Patel posting) to the most extreme degree I can. However, if you were to replace "man" with "adult" in the Lesbian Masterdoc, then well, you can see it from space.

The communities I've found have been very male centric. Even the resources that exist think of women like me as, and this is a direct quote from a clinics website, "irrelevantly rare". Women in these spaces are basically forced to rub elbows with misogynistic, antifeminist men because feminists have made it clear we aren't welcome.

I am a question mark. I'm always open to one day feeling the right way. But my best friend, who I met through one of these communities, has known this about herself since puberty. The idea that pedos just can't get someone their own age is especially painful for her experience, because like all women, she deals with sexual harassment and unwanted attention from men. She's my friend and I refuse to abandon her, even if it turns out I'm not the same as her. I would actually rather die than betray my friends when they are suffering.

Since this all began, I have seen countless testimonies from female exclusive pedophiles (meaning ones like my friend who feel nothing for adults and in my opinion fit the model of queer refusal of men I discuss above) and I would characterize them with despair, desperation, depression, alienation, rage, and a belief in ones inherent inferiority. I simply refuse to cosign these beliefs in other women based on thoughts and feelings they cannot help.

I'm not sure where this leaves me and you guys. I accept whatever happens to me as a result of posting this. I will add the following disclaimers: in addition to all of this I do also have maternal/auntlike instincts, and my feelings about my own niece or the kids of friends on here are purely aunt feelings. When I first confessed all of this to Ted his response was initialy that my feelings for children were normal, and that i just lacked attraction to adults, but the thing is most people seem to think that asexuality isn't a real orientation, so I'm not sure what that would make my orientation. But again: i simply refuse to betray my best friend.

I wonder what the price of honesty will be...but in my opinion, the truth is priceless. I do not know what you are all going to do to me after this post, but whatever you do is up to you. It's 100% your choice. I'm sorry for lying to you all by omission the past few years, and you don't have to accept my apology. I don't know what I'd do in your position. But I don't really know what I'd do in my position either, I guess this.

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aliferousdreamer · 10 months

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@livingincolorsagain Okay, so first of all:

Seriously though, unforunately it looks like I can no longer answer your long-awaited ask because I just saved my response to your inbox in the drafts and apparently that just deleted both your ask and my answer?!?! It looks like it's just been completely gone for no reason?!?!?!?! Tumblr: WHY????????? (Btw this is my shorter back up draft so luckily I at least have this lol)

Now... I cannot say this enough... I'M SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO BLOODY LONG to do this. I think it has taken me about 1 ½ years to do this?!?! I'm so freaking embarrassed omfg. There really is no good excuse for why it has taken so freaking long. I remember that I have at least a few drafts that I made, but then my drafts became like this-

-and then I either forgot about it completely or got overwhelmed when I couldn't find any of the drafts and just abandoned it. My ability to just "nope" out of anything and procrastinate for eternity is unmatched.

Btw: I'm gonna censor most of the fandom/character/ship names (even the ones I like) because 1. I don't want to attract people who feel the need to argue with me (because I cba I really cba) and 2. I don't want to offend anyone who likes those things. It's gonna look super silly with *s everywhere but I don't have the energy for any heated discussions or arguments.

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

Ooh I have several squicky ships that I do get but I just don't feel them at all and have negative connotations associated with them... It's not exactly an answer to the question but it is what I first thought of.

Pre 2020 me didn't like Harm*one as a ship (in H*rry P*tter). Nowadays I don't interact with the fandom so I don't care but I still have negative associations with that ship and its fans.

I don't have any positive associations with Cl*uis (in TW*DG) because of bigotry.

I understand the appeal of E*yam (from C*kur) but it's a toxic, abusive, insulting mess like its fanbase. Man, I'm so glad C*kur ended in 2021 so I could leave that show and its fans behind.

I also used to feel more negative towards R*xi (from E*phoria) as a ship because of shippers' attitudes towards J*les/R*les but since F*xi became really popular I don't see nearly as much of that ship anymore.

I'll explain the reasonings more in the next question because the answers in both questions are pretty similar.

Also, to sprinkle some positivity amongst my mostly critical answers, here are some OTPs that I do like:

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

Again, this applies to me pre 2020, but I still remember that I used to somewhat like Harm*one as a ship from H*rry P*tter, but yeah... the portion of toxic fans who were super hateful and bitter and straight up mean towards R*n and G*nny.

I used to like L*ouis and sorta like Cl*uis from TW*DG but the homophobic/lesbophobic/biphobic fans have pretty much turned me off from the ship completely. This doesn't really apply to fans on here, moreso YouTube fans who are just The Worst tbh.

Similarly I used to like E*sun from C*kur and back in season 3 but E*yam fans (particularly on Twitter and YouTube) were just horrible. I remember being civil and polite and considerate to every single one I encountered but they were awful and one fan even wished death on my family when I had said nothing to warrant such a bizarre comment lol. They were also The Worst towards D*lan D*niz and their relentless bullying campaign against her from 2019-2021 (but I saw a few months ago that they're still hating on her in 2023 ffs), all because she was a "threat" to their toxic ship. Man, I'm so glad their ship flopped in C*kur's finale, even if it was upsetting to see them being more hateful towards D*lan. They deserved some karma after being some of the worst fans I've ever had the misfortune of seeing.

Again for positivity's sake, here are some characters I do like:

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

Unlike seemingly most of the fans on here, I like El*ven getting with M*ke in Str*nger Th*ngs. I will never understand why M*leven is so hated. She can be both independent and in a relationship, and I don't see how that's such an unpopular take. Sure, there are issues with codependency, miscommunication and lying but considering what those kids have been through, is it any surprise?! They've both been through so much trauma, both together and separately, so no wonder they don't always go about the things the "best" way. I'd cut them both some slack (especially El*ven considering the hell she's endured all her life that has stunted her growth). Also, I feel like fans are way too harsh of them because aren't they supposed to be around 14 in season 4?!?! I'd say that they're remarkably mature for their age. I will admit that I like them less than I used to after season 4 but tbf there are several characters/relationships that I like less because of season 4. I like other ships like B*ler and E*max but I don't see why liking them should almost become synonymous with hating M*leven.

On another note, this scene >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Again I'm so sorry this took so long, and that this version of my answer isn't the final one that I wanted to send (because Tumblr just erased the original one lmao).

Thank you so, so much for checking up on me and being so kind and sweet to me, even when I haven't responded or showed the gratitude that I should do!!!! I hope you're doing really well!!!!!! <3

#why tumblr deleted your ask when i saved it to the drafts is *beyond* my understanding #also cos it's basically an ask i will tag it as such #personal #long post #fandoms #my ask #my answer #ask #answer #tv show tag #tv shows

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lucky-bishop · 11 months

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20 Questions for fic Writers!

Thanks for the tag @rosieposiepuddingnpie! 💕Anyone who would like to play along, please do, and go ahead and tag me if you'd like! I always love reading these.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Also 57! Weird coincidence!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

520,472

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Teen Wolf primarily, only one of my published fics is for another fandom (What We Do in the Shadows). I do have WIP fics in that fandom as well as Stranger Things and Hannibal, though I don't know if they'll ever get finished or published haha.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Hearts in the Byline (Steter, 62,395 words) Kinky Antics with the Pack (Kinktober 2020) (Multi-Pairing, 53,103 words) Try, Try Again (Steterek, 35,241 words) The Empty-Nester Alpha (Steter, 16,306 words) Mask of Many Faces (Steter, 22,806 words)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yep! Pretty much all of them! At least all initial comments, and as long as they're made in good faith. Criticism or petty shit I pretty much just ignore. I just know I always like it when authors reply to me, so I like to reply as well. It's a good feeling!!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Depends on how you're defining your angst, but I'm personally going to go with For This I'll Burn where Stiles lets the nogitsune in on purpose. 4,409 words, no pairing.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Tough one! I'd have to say either Foxes and Wolves or The "No-Bite" Rule. They're both Steter HEAs (5,289 and 3,869 words respectively). Forever might look different for Stiles and Peter than it does for other people, but they definitely deserve it.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I have before. Most of the time I can just shrug it off, and it doesn't really bother me. Like I said, I just don't engage with those bad faith comments. I got one on Hearts in the Byline while I was writing it (I believe it has since been deleted lmfao I couldn't find it) on a chapter that asked if someone else had written it because the quality was so bad and they felt it was so incongruous from the story. It was hurtful and awful and at the time it really sucked. I think I've grown as an author and something like that wouldn't bother me as much anymore, but that was my second or third fic, and the longest one I'd written (and still holds that, I think, lol).

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes :-) Some from my own brain and others requested from me. And all sorts!

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven't yet. I have one TW/Buffy crossover WIP that I don't know if I'll ever really get to finish, but I'd like to. It's more of a fusion than a crossover, anyway.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of! Hopefully it stays that way haha.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Once! Someone translated The "No-Bite" Rule into Ukrainian here.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not! But I would try, I think it seems fun.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

It's gotta be Steter, man.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't know! I would definitely like to finish all my WIPs, but it's probably unrealistic. Writer in the Dark is a Kira/Cora WIP that I started but lost motivation for. I hope to revisit it someday, but if something won't get finished, that's probably it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Character growth! I feel like I do a good job showing how characters have changed through the narrative over time, no matter if that's years or months or even a very impactful night.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action is definitely one. I struggle to write combat scenarios (the closest I've gotten with it would be in Mission Control, I think). I'm also not always great at balancing background characters/b-plots. I've had comments before like, "where did x character go???" and I'm like "shit. forgot they were here tbh." But I'm working on it!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I probably wouldn't do it, write dialogue not in English. The only exception might be German, since it's what I studied as a second language, but even then I'm rusty enough that I wouldn't trust it well. Anything else I'd be tossing in Google Translate and hoping for the best, so it's a no-go for me. I've used pet names or short phrases in another language before, but that's really the extent of it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Technically Marvel but none of what I wrote is up anywhere (that it can be traced back to me, lol, all of those works are orphaned). That I actually count? Teen Wolf.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I think it has to be Down to the Marrow. I just really, really loved writing that fic. I think it will always have a very special place in my heart. Before then, since it was so recent, I probably would've said Shall We Not Revenge?

#ask #rosieposiepuddingnpie #ask game #my writing #teen wolf

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years

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Tw: Trauma, potential getting triggered?

So, I have a physical disability that can make my body slow dramatically if I sleep too long. There was a period of time in 2020 when I was going through a traumatic periodic of time and sleeping a lot to escape the day, making this body slowing and the feeling that comes with it frequent.

Now, every time I sleep too long, or wake up late, or something, if I get that feeling I wake up immediately and frequently shake things off (blankets, stuffies, etc. otherwise comforting objects). I also get a mental flash of one of the times this happened and move a lot to try and shake the feeling out, and can get really panicky and even have an immediate reaction of anger toward mother for not waking me up sooner (even if I had a late night/asked for more sleep).

Could this feeling - especially upon waking - be a trigger? It's not like a lot of other triggers, in which I visibly freak out and lash out, or get a flashback or a vivid memory, but it does freak me out and generally keeps me walking the line between fine and lashing out as long as the feeling remains.

I've only be taught triggers as something that gives you a panic attack or flashback, but it seems all of my misconceptions about trauma has been flushed down the drain, so...I don't know.

Thank you.

Hi anon,

I'm sorry about what you've been going through.

I'm honestly not entirely sure what this could be. My first thought is sleep paralysis but this seems a bit different. If anyone has any comments or suggestions please feel free to add on. But either way I can definitely see how this is distressing to experience.

I can see how this could be considered a trigger. The thing is that while you're right that triggers can cause panic attacks or flashbacks, it's not exclusive to those things. People can react to triggers in a multitude of ways, and certainly does not have to be to the degree of a panic attack or flashback. This resource explains in a bit more detail what triggers can look like.

If you can afford or access it and if you don't have it already I recommend looking into getting a therapist as they could potentially help you get to the bottom of this and help you work through these symptoms. You deserve the best care available, especially as you're going through this.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

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agentrcmedy · 2 years

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I have to get something off my chest that happened in my day today, and I can’t share it on my other social media because of mutual friends who would see it. TW: Mentions of my loved one’s passing, Covid, depression, abuse/gaslighting, and a rant that has been two (or twenty-two) years in the making.

So I moved from Louisiana to Florida in 2020 to pursue my dream job. It was the best decision I ever made, and I’m happier here than I’ve ever been. An ex-best friend of mine, someone I’d known and been close with for over 22 years, was pissed off at me for choosing to take the job because it meant I was moving away and decided to ignore me when I tried to make plans with her during the last week I was in town. Mind you, let me put this in perspective: She was married to the love of her life, had a 6 month old baby, had her dream job...I had been laid off of both of my jobs back home, I had no husband or boyfriend to speak of, no children, and I was buried deep in my depression after having lost my grandmother to Covid and being stuck alone in quarantine for several months with no one else in my house.

I needed to get out of that life I was living. I was going nowhere, it was hurting my mental health, and I had to move my life forward and pursue my dreams and finally do something important and life changing for myself. And now, 2 years later, her mother is bashing me on social media all of a sudden, out of the blue, trying to say I “abandoned” her daughter when she needed me the most just because she had a baby. I’m sorry...was I supposed to put my life on hold because my best friend had a 6 month old healthy child and a life of her own?? Was I supposed to tell my hiring manager, “Oh, sorry...I can’t take this dream job I’ve been wanting for almost ten years because my friend wants me to be there in person for her baby for God knows how much longer while my own mental health suffers??”

Utterly ridiculous. I refuse to respond to said post and open up that floodgate for her mother to gaslight me and further try to drag my reputation through the mud because I know she doesn’t deserve any of my attention. My ex-friend would hit me hard thinking it was playful and funny, but whenever I tried to fight back, she would get angry and apparently it wouldn’t be okay anymore. She had a cruel habit of thinking it was hysterical to physically overpower me and tickle me knowing I had been assaulted by a man who started out by overpowering me and tickling me to get control. There was constant manipulation and gaslighting and making me feel like absolute shit and pushing away all of my other friends until there was no one but her. Now that I am on the outside looking in for the last two years, I have realized how horribly toxic and unhealthy that friendship was for me. Even my family members cheered and celebrated when I told them I was no longer friends with her. They hated our friendship because they knew I could do better.

I completely cut off any further contact as of seeing that post today. I’ve grown and matured these past two years, and I refuse to subject myself to any more abuse or mistreatment from people who were supposed to be a part of my support system. I have never bashed anyone involved on social media for everyone we know to see. I kept it private and moved on. But this was my last straw. Friendship and love and support is supposed to be a two way street, and if it isn’t, then goodbye. I have a circle of friends now that is healthy and supportive and trustworthy, and I adore each and every one of them. These girls are my warmth and my light and we have helped each other through our bad days and recognized each other’s triumphs and good days. I am blessed that fate brought us all together. They have literally saved my life more times than I count.

If anyone reads this, thanks for taking the time and I hope this is not triggering to any of you. I’ve been stewing in this today and it has worsened my depression because of my own triggers. I needed to get it out.

#why are you my remedy?; ooc #tw rant #tw depression #tw abuse #tw gaslighting #tw covid #tw death mention #tw personal #tw assault #tw long post

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stonergyaru · 4 months

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rant…

tw: sa, grooming, minor(me)

I know it’s cheesy to say that Taylor’s music has helped me through hard times but some verses just….hit a bit too close to home … and it’s cathartic to have someone else out your feelings into words bc I’m still processing being groomed and sa’d (also getting into sex work at 16).. it’s a lot to recover from when it took over like 5 years to realise some of it. But the bridge in the smallest man who ever lived is getting to me a lot this time.

“You deserve prison but you won’t get time”…

And like ….. when I was 18 I started having casual sec with this guy who was 28 and looking back like WHAT THE ACTUAL F U C K does a almost 30 year old have in conman with someone who is still in school ??? it’s so sick, so so sick. and I was too used to talking to older men and daddy issues to even think twice.

I guess it was fine at first but then he kept asking me to do things and I’d say no and he’d just push and push week after week and until I gave up and said fine. I still can’t even really think of doing anal bc of what he did bc it makes my stomach hurt.

It dawned on me in 2020 when I came back home from Korea bc of the pandemic. and it was really rough realising it all… that what happened was actually rape and I was in so much denial at first.

“Give me back my girlhood it was mine first”

And like … being through a lot of these things as a minor with taking to older men and being groomed by someone I thought was a friend I have very strong feelings about when older ppl pursue younger ppl. quite obviously.

And I just remember at work after our shift the discussion came up and I felt so disgusted that this man who I know is 29 said as long as they’re 18 it’s fine and I got so mad. I told him off that nothing in your brain suddenly snaps into place the second you turn 18 and for someone who’s even 3-5 years older…. Like you’re in completely different places in life. one is still in school and having school drama while the other is working full time. He said like yeah when you put it like that I get it after but like …. How do ppl see it so black and white with as long as they’re 18???

No one over 25 should be interested in someone who just turned 18..

And I HATE when ppl then ate like “oh but me and my partner are 5-10 years apart” and like yeah but you’re both in your 30-40s, it’s different bc you’re on more similar grounds. A teenager and someone in mid to late 20’s are not on similar paths.

I just… idk.. I just wish he’d suffer for what he did to me, what the both of them did to me at such a young age. I still feel like the wounds are fresh sometimes.

I wish I was clean.

#lia’s diary

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harborpointeblvd · 4 months

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I watched every GMMTV BL series because I have too much time on my hands

2016-2017 2019 2020

Based on the BLs that came out that year, I'd say that 2018 was approximately 33 years ago.

Kiss Me Again - 2018 *

*Not a BL, but included because it got an episode of Our Skyy.

A prequel to the 2016 series “Kiss”, which tells the stories of sisters Sanrak and Sandee, Kiss Me Again follows their three other sisters, Sanwan (Fon Sananthacat), Sanson (Thanaerng Kanyawee), and Sansuay (Pango Jintanutda), as well as Sandee’s college friends, Pete (Tay Tawan) and Kao (New Thitipoom).

Sansuay is forced to work with her ex-boyfriend, So (Earth Pirapat), who is determined to win her back. Sanson starts to spend more time with her longtime friend Matt (Mond Tanutchai), whose mother has secretly hired her to find out if he is gay. Sanwan starts a fake relationship with R (March Chutavuth), whose father disapproves of his playboy lifestyle. Pete and Kao are former high school enemies who end up in the same group of friends in college.

Honestly, you should be thanking me for watching this series so you don’t have to**. It was awful. It juggles four different storylines that are all varying degrees of awful. Every single main character has a second person pursuing them, which, like, really? Do you not know how to add conflict to a relationship without throwing in a love rival? If you were counting, that’s eight love rivals, half of which are CARTOONISHLY evil.

So starting with the worst pair. Sanwan deserves better. TW for this section, because everyone who interacts with Sanwan should be in jail. At one point, she loses her glasses fleeing from R, who kidnapped her, forced her into his car and tried to kiss her, and everyone can’t stop commenting about how much cuter she is without glasses. There is nothing you could do to this woman to make her ugly, so they didn't need to do all that to show us she's cute, c'mon. The only explanation for Sanwan falling for R in the end is Stockholm Syndrome, because he crosses her boundaries in every way he can find, including throwing her into a pool because she can’t swim. To distract from how horrible R is, this couple is given the two most evil love rivals of the series. The guy who is after Sanwan tries to rape her TWICE. The first time, he beats her unconscious. The second time is orchestrated by R’s girlfriend, who is jealous of their fake relationship, and R ends up getting stabbed, which I guess I was supposed to be sad about. The villain thanks R in the end for not reporting him, which, like, why?? He needs to go to jail. Prison time for everyone.

Next couple. Matt deserves better. His best friend is in love with him, but he unfortunately ends up with Sanson, who is a creep. Their scenes are just her putting him in uncomfortable situations to prove he’s gay and then going home to report her findings to her sisters. She also has a guy trying to blackmail her into dating him, but she’s being threatened by his possessive sister, which is just all kinds of weird.

Sansuay and So were boring.

Pete and Kao’s story is definitely the most well-developed of the series. I get the feeling that the series was conceived around Pete and Kao, since they're actually a couple in Kiss The Series and the others aren't (as far as I can tell, I didn't watch it, you can't make me). The series would have worked better as just a Pete/Kao origin story without all the extra bullshit. Their ending felt the most earned out of any of the pairings. There’s a reason why this couple got a spinoff and no one else did. I also really like their college friends, although Sandee disappears halfway through the series and they explain it away with some throwaway lines like “she’s on her period” it’s so bizarre.

You can watch the Pete/Kao cut of the series on GMMTV’s official YouTube channel, but it’s incomplete. They only include the scenes with both Pete and Kao in them, which leaves out huge chunks of their story where they're not together. It’s baffling. I don’t know why they would cut it that way, but this series was built on poor decisions.

**I also didn't have to.

Every great romance starts with one person falling onto the other's mouth.

‘Cause You’re My Boy - 2018

Mork (Drake Sattabut) is an eleventh-grade troublemaker, while Tee (Frank Thanatsaran) is a model student. The two rarely cross paths, until Tee goes to Mork’s dad’s barbershop for a haircut. When Mork’s dad leaves in the middle of Tee’s haircut, Mork attempts to finish it himself with disastrous results. This leads to fighting between the two boys, but when Tee returns to the barbershop to fix his haircut, something changes between them.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to write a plot synopsis for a series that can't commit to a plot? This show felt like it was being written on the spot. It keeps you on your toes, because even the writers don't know what will happen next. Plot points are introduced out of nowhere and lead nowhere, and it kind of begs the question, what is the fucking point of any of this? Things like Mork wanting to be a doctor, Tee’s shrimp allergy, that weird guy who lives at Tee’s house, the trans woman who works at the barbershop but is never seen working. You think they're being brought up for a reason, but they’re just forgotten. I’ll give it points for Drake and Frank being really likable and surprisingly cute together. And for the accurate portrayal of how disgusting high school boys actually are.

Little baby Phuwin walked straight out of the uterus and onto this set to ask what jizz is.

Our Skyy - 2018

Anthology series that continues the stories of five BL couples from previous series: Pick/Rome (Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey), In/Sun (My Dear Loser: Edge of 17), Tee/Mork (‘Cause You’re My Boy), Pete/Kao (Kiss/Kiss Me Again), and Arthit/Kongpob (SOTUS/SOTUS S).

I don’t really have much to say about this. Except. There’s this absolute fever dream of a scene in the first season of Puppy Honey where Pick and Rome have a water fight with a hose while the most ridiculous song plays about how sexy you look when you shake your hips. Well, in Pick/Rome’s story in Our Skyy, there’s this scene where Pick gets annoyed that his neighbors are bathing on their lawn and the water is running onto his driveway. Then, like four or five episodes later, you get Pete/Kao’s story, which opens on them recreating the water fight scene from Puppy Honey with the same song and everything, before cutting to Pick’s annoyed reaction. I must have been a martyr in a past life to deserve this. I am truly blessed. Anyways, Our Skyy was okay. Tee/Mork’s story was the best out of the five. Pete/Kao’s was boring as hell, Puppy Honey water fight scene notwithstanding.

I can't make this shit up.

Soulmate - The One. Like he was created for me, specifically. Sugar Daddy - He may not have it all, but he knows how to spoil me. Friend With Benefits - Despite my better judgment, I went and caught feelings. Second Lead - All my friends love him, but I don’t feel the spark. Overeager Pursuer - Tries to be cute but just gets on my nerves. Vindictive Ex - It’s like he’s punishing me for knowing I could do better. Love Rival - Literally what did I do to deserve this? -

#janine's slow descent into madness #kiss me again the series #'cause you're my boy #our skyy #thai bl #gmmtv

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elecalice · 6 months

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[VENT] "The Collateral Damage of Love"

Full Image Below

TW// ABUSE AND GROOMING

I posted this drawing that I made on 2023 on DeviantART, but I forgot to post it here. That's because I wasn't unsure to post this here. I felt unsure to post this because... It's a really sensible drawing for me.

That's because this vent art reminiscing of my failures towards love, in any forms. Not just romantic, although It was a significant part of it.

The first one, we were unexperienced (it was literally our first romantic relationship) and had a wrong idea on how to love. So it became "overly-sweet" (Or "Empalagoso" in Spanish, which is the best way to describe it) who were constantly saying "I love you" all the time. And we didn't do much like talk other things outside of love. We were so inmature at that time. I'm thankful that we're better as friends than lovers, and we're still friends to this day.

The second one, was my abusive ex. I already told what happened between me and him in a blog entry as well as the vent art "Slave". I became his emotional punching bag, he was SO self-destructive it was affecting me psychologically and emotionally. I tried to told him to get help and get better, and he said that he was going to be better, but he continued those self-destructive attitudes for years, to the point that it became difficult for me to cry for him, but I became shaky due to the amount of stress I had to deal with. And it even generated those painful white spots on my mouth. (I just remembered that he made a discussion because I ended up sleep-texting to him because I was dealing with stress due to high school) Yes. There was moments he made good stuff for me, but it was not worth the pain I had to endure for years. As well as, me being unexperienced with love and he having multiple partners before me, said a lot of the power dynamics. (as well as the 3-year-gap but yeah...)

And also... there was another person related to him. He used to be his best friend, but he was more protective towards me, since I told him about the horrible relationship I was in. He was one of my most trusted "best friends". He actually listened to my special interests, he was interested on those, we also did RPs, especially since I love doing RPs (and still do!)

But he also groomed me. He got SO sexual towards me, and we even did sexual RPs and even commented how horny he gets towards me. I don't want to tell more information about it, the more I realized this, the more I felt awful. (Especially towards one series of sexual RPs we did that were TOO ALARMING in retrospective. I used to be secretly SO horny due to accidentally going on Danbooru when I was 13 years old, which I now realized that I got took advantanged of him because of that... sigh me. I'm a complete massive idiot...)

The things is that he was 7-8 years older than me, and I didn't knew that until 2023, when I asked his nephew how old he was, and we were equally shocked to that information. He died on late 2020, even if I hoped he could recover. He died of cancer. His death killed my hope, and It was one of the main reasons why I became a doomer and got into my dark age. But after realizing this and freeing of my abusive ex, I... still need to reflect on that. That "best friend" loved me, after all. But he was too horny and he used the "my penis will hurt me a lot if I don't 'liberate'" excuse... (I remember watching a video about grooming and when that excuse showed as one of the excuses groomers use to make their victims continue the sexual attitude, I screamed internally and later scream at a pillow since that's EXACTLY what he did and I felt HORRIBLE afterwards)

But all of these, remembering these failures... I remembered my bad moments of those relationships, my failures...

And I thought I didn't deserved to be in a relationship. I thought I was going to be alone, and I would run away of the idea of being in a relationship.

Thankfully, I don't have philophobia (the fear of love) and I feel secure on the idea of love. Especially since I'm healing and, after all, I was a victim.

The first ex, again, he's the cool one. We're still friends to this day.

My second ex and the dead groomer... I don't want to come back to that.

Hence that's why I initially hesitated on posting this. But... I posted on DA, I had to post it here.

#elec vents #vent art #tw abusive relationship #TW grooming #traditional art

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breathewithchaos · 9 months

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You're already worthy.

This is probably the most vulnerable I have ever felt posting something online. This topic is very personal and can be a bit controversial…

TW// weight, eating disorders.

I have always been a very small person, something I strongly identified with. Whether envied or mocked for my size, it significantly influenced how I saw myself. I remember the first time I experienced body dysmorphia in high school. I thought I had gained a lot of weight and began to harshly criticize my body. Looking back, I realize I was quite small, but that wasn't how I felt then.

This feeling worsened over the years. As I grew into my body in my twenties, I lost touch with my actual appearance. Despite reassurances from those around me, the version of myself I saw in the mirror felt like the only truth, one that was distorted by my mind.

This negative emotion around my body and dysmorphia started to control my life. I would cancel plans, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and enter cycles of intense workout and binge eating. This pattern persisted, amplifying my struggle.

The arrival of 2020 brought its own traumas and exacerbated my mental health struggles. The binging intensified, leading to a significant weight gain that markedly changed my appearance. Looking at photos from 2019, I was confronted with how much I had changed, prompting questions about my self-perception. My dysmorphia became worse than it had ever been.

For the past two years, these issues have been a significant, yet mostly private, battle. Dressing each day became an internal fight, feeling dismayed that my clothes no longer fit and that my body had changed. I avoided social interactions, refrained from posting photos, would refrain from eating food throughout the day (only to binge all night long), and wore clothes that made me feel concealed, not comfortable.

It wasn't until recently that I began to gain control over my self-perception. Instead of aiming to lose weight, I shifted my focus to learning to love and respect my body. I've embraced a new philosophy: my body looks different, but it is stronger and more flexible than ever, thanks to yoga and a mindful approach to movement. I stopped weighing myself and started to appreciate the body that I am currently living in - not worrying about a version of my body that doesn't exist in this moment.

I don't believe I'm out of this struggle yet. There are daily reminders and challenges ahead. As for the version of me that does exist right here and now? I'm learning to love her and be kinder to her. I'm discovering ways to showcase who I am that make me feel good. I'm understanding that I am worthy, regardless of how my body looks. Most importantly, I am learning that I am deserving of loving myself to the fullest extent—in every single version that I come in.

Body dysmorphia is a silent and often invisible struggle. It distorts self-perception, creating a disconnect between reality and how I view myself. This internal battle is deeply personal and a reminder that our outer appearance doesn't always reflect our inner experiences.

Moreover, societal standards have heavily influenced my self-view. The pressure to maintain a certain size felt like an expectation I couldn't fail. Recognizing the harm in these unrealistic standards has been a crucial step in my journey towards self-acceptance.

This journey has taught me an important lesson: I am worthy of love and acceptance, just as I am. We all are. It's not about fitting a certain mold or meeting societal expectations. It's about embracing ourselves in every form we take. So please, remember that it is ok to go up a size - or a few - or a lot - in order to feel good in what you put on your body. Your clothes are meant to fit you - you don't need to fit into them. Your worth isn't dependant on the size of clothing you wear, or the number on the scale - it's who you are, who you truly are, that matters at the end of the day.

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angstyandromanticwriting · 1 year

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Harley Quinn X FemWerewolf!Reader Angsty and Fluffy Prompt with a suspenseful and sad ending

• Occurs after the events of the second film (Birds of Prey - 2020), and before the events of the third (The Suicide Squad 2021)

!TW: Mention of fighting/violence, implied kidnapping + being held captive, being kept chained up, mention of being tortured, nudity/being naked, weapons, injury detail (bruises, scratch marks, stab wound), implied suffering from depression, elements of anxiety, mention of previously being experimented on, self-doubt, previously being in prison + Escaping from prison, mention of being beaten, supernatural element, feeling guilty, mention of poor treatment by family/bad past experiences with family, mild sexual innuendo/teasing, death/murder, insult, blood/bleeding, implied self-harm, being unconscious!

Whilst Harley had been fighting with the remainder of Sionis’ goons, after finding out that they had captured you after you’d both been separated for yet another year, she would be startled when she actually came across you, chained up on the ground, and because you had been captured whilst you were shifted, in your wolf form, they made you change back by torturing you until you would, and you were naked; they’d not bothered to get you any clothes. After she’d defeated yet another with the help of Huntress and the others; she’d gone back to the Birds of Prey after finding out that you were being held captive, knowing she’d need their help, she would be startled when she heard you shuffling behind her, and spun around to face you, holding up her circus hammer as if to hit you, but she faltered when she realised it was you, and slowly lowered the hammer, a pained expression on her face when she noticed the bruises almost all over you. “Do it,” you whispered, staring up at Harley, whilst doubting she’d come there for you in the first place.

She let the hammer drop from her right hand, before rushing to your right side, and collapsing onto her knees beside you. “I - I thought you were dead,” she spoke, her voice briefly trembling, whilst Canary, Huntress and Renee all looked puzzled; Harley hadn’t told them that the person Sionis’ goons had kidnapped was someone she actually knew.

You frowned, nodding gravely, before you pried your eyes from her’s, staring ahead of you through glistening, sore red eyes; you’d given up, after losing her again, being experimented on, and tortured, and felt as if you’d lost the will to live, and to continue fighting. You’d even hoped she wouldn’t find you, no matter how much you’d been wanting to see her again, because you wanted her to be happy, and to find someone better than you; you believed she deserved so much better, and wondered if she’d found someone else whilst you were gone, like she had for a time, before, but you couldn’t smell anything tainting her sweet scent. To be almost drowning in it again prompted a faint smile to tug at the corners of your lips; you’d missed her, more than anything, and you couldn’t believe she was here, again, with you, and you found yourself doubting yet again that she was there solely with the intention of saving you. “I may as well be,” you murmured in reply, and she shook her head, a hurt look on her face, whilst she wondered what they’d done to you to make you like this.

“D-Don’t say that,” she whined, before lifting her right hand to your tear-stained left cheek, and you couldn’t help, but melt into her touch subconsciously, whilst your heart began to ache, “if you were dead, I don’t know what I’d do with myself; I love you, little wolfy, I always have, and you know we’re meant to be.” You forced a smile up at her, not wanting to upset her anymore than you had done already. “I missed you so much,” she expressed, holding you close to her, and you returned the hug, when you felt able, clinging to the material of her pink crop-top, and she smiled again, glad to be back in your arms, after missing another year with you; you’d been presumed dead by Flag after you’d stopped responding during the experiments he and the other men in the bright room had done on you, and Harley had managed to escape again with the help of Deadshot, before you woke up the next day, as if nothing had happened, to find her gone after you’d burst out from the lab, and into the wide room you had both been kept in, in two separate cells, before.

You recalled the glass box had even still been there, for when Flag snuck you both in together during the night, upon both you and Harley’s request for him to do so. After you’d seen that she’d gone, you reluctantly decided to make your escape, though you couldn’t help, but wonder what the point of escaping would be, when Harley was no longer with you. “I missed you, too,” you returned, your voice briefly trembling. “I’m - I’m so sorry,” you expressed, feeling as if everything that had happened was your fault, and Harley shook her head; she didn’t want you to think that you had to apologise for what had happened, especially after you’d been experimented on, and evidently been beaten a lot due to all the bruises she could see on you.

“Don’t apologise, little wolfy,” she cooed, “I’m just - just glad I’ve finally found you again, and that you’re okay, but right now we gotta get out of here, before anyone else comes, t-the thought of losing you again scares me, it was painful enough the first time being away from you-”

“Hold up,” Renee interrupted, stepping forward, “I’m not letting you bring a werewolf back to our base, Harley-”

“Why not?” She retorted, glaring back at her, whilst a hurt look crossed her face; she wasn’t gonna let anything separate you both again; she never could, or would be prepared to. “Renee, she’s - she’s everything to me, I’m not losing her again!” She continued, silently begging for Renee to let you stay with them.

“Jesus Christ, did you not hear me? She’s a werewolf, and we literally got attacked by one not too long ago now-”

“That was an Omega!” She hissed, and the group would appear puzzled for a moment. “She’s one of the good ones,” she clarified, “an Alpha.” You faltered, a pained expression on your face, but you tried to hide it from her, not wanting her to see that you were upset; you felt as if you could never be an Alpha, not like your mother was. “She’s never once hurt me,” she added, seeing Renee and Canary still needed a little more persuading, whilst Huntress and Cane didn’t seem at all opposed to the idea of you staying with them, “just give her a chance, and you’ll see; she belongs with us; with me.”

You smiled faintly up at her, and she smiled back down at you, subconsciously cradling you even closer to her whilst she did. “One chance,” Canary decided, and looked over at Renee for a moment, who looked as if she wanted to protest, but she stopped herself before she could, begrudgingly nodding.

“Don’t make me regret this,” she responded, and Harley couldn’t help, but smile widely; she was elated, and couldn’t wait to show you the base, as well as her and your new room.

“Don’t worry, you won’t,” Harley assured, before squeaking, and hugging you tightly, and you giggled, amused by her reaction, finding it adorable, before you returned the hug, burying your face into the crook of her neck. “C’mon, I’ve got some spare clothes you can use in our new room,” she chimed, and your smile grew at the word ‘our’, whilst she managed to unlock and remove the chains that had been holding you, before helping you to your feet. Renee and Canary went first, to check that there weren’t anymore of Sionis’ old goons approaching yet; they couldn’t believe that, despite his death a year ago, there were still so many, and they’d appeared to be teaming up with the Omegas, for a currently unknown reason, but you’d all eventually find out in the end, and wonder if it was worth it; the undercover army turned out appearing bigger than you all ever thought it would, and much more threatening. Once Renee and Canary gave the all-clear signal, Harley rushed both you and Cane out, after them, and luckily you all slipped away before the next bout could arrive.

Although you’d all managed to escape, you were still anxious about what was to come, and found it hard to sleep that very night, so you snuck out of bed to go outside, not wanting to disturb Harley; she’d still been peacefully sleeping beside you, whilst you’d found yourself tossing and turning beside her. It wasn’t long, though, until she’d woken up, feeling that you were no longer beside her, and this realisation panicked her as she immediately got out of bed, and rushed downstairs to see if you were there. Whilst she did, you paced slowly outside, feeling as if something was wrong, and you growled quietly occasionally, feeling that there were Omegas nearby, but not close enough to pose an imminent threat. You tensed up, hearing the back door opening behind you, but you relaxed when you heard Harley’s voice, your eyes glinting, whilst you smiled subconsciously, turning to face her; she was leaning against the doorframe sleepily, and you began to feel guilty for getting up, wondering if she’d still be asleep if you hadn’t, for the rest of the night. “What are you doing out here?” She inquired, hugging herself because it was chilly, before she slowly walked up to you, a concerned expression on her face, and you frowned when you noticed that she was shivering, rushing up to her and throwing your arms around her to try and keep her warm, and she would be surprised, returning the hug after she’d recovered, wondering if something was bothering you. “Little wolfy,” she cooed, rubbing your back with her right hand, “it’s late; wanna go inside and talk about it?”

You winced, not wanting to tell her about your anxieties; you just wanted her to be happy, and worry free, after everything you’d both already been through together. “T-Talk about what, Quinzels?” You inquired, and she held you at arm’s length, her stunning icy blue eyes searching your’s, and you tensed up, evidently nervous, and you found you couldn’t hide it from her for a moment; she always knew how to make you feel as if you were vulnerable, and you found you could only ever open up like you did whenever you were with her.

“Something’s on your mind,” she clarified, “I know it is, talk to me. You - You know you can, right, Nugget?”

You nodded, before connecting your forehead to her’s; you never wanted her to think that you felt as if you couldn’t tell her anything; you were just trying to protect her, like any werewolf would it’s mate, and Alpha would it’s pack; you cared only for her, and Cane, in some ways; Cane was like you and Harley’s daughter, and the others were growing on you, too, as if they were your pack. “Of course I do,” you tried to reassure her, “I’ve just been-.. Worried.. About what - else, is waiting for us.”

Harley frowned, realising, and she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek, prompting you to melt into her touch subconsciously, your eyes glinting as soon as they’d locked with her’s. “I get it, little wolfy, I really do,” she replied, affectionately booping the tip of your nose with her’s, and you both smiled lovingly over at one another whilst she did, “but - whatever gets thrown at us, I promise - we’ll get through it, as long as we’re together. We’ll - Always be together, this time, w-won’t we?”

You nodded, certain that you both would be, this time. “Of course we will,” you assured, before shyly leaning forward to connect your lips to her soft ones, and she melted into the kiss, smiling against your lips whilst she did, “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” she returned, almost breathlessly, “but would you just shut up and kiss me again already?” You giggled, before leaning forward to kiss her again, and whilst you did, you picked her up, and carried her inside, whilst she giggled and clung to your shoulders.

~-~

Harley had remembered that your birthday was approaching, and planned the best evening for you both; she wanted to celebrate with you, and spend more private time with you after you’d both been apart for another year, and missed so much together. You’d been patrolling the area, whilst she’d been discussing her plan with the others, after teasing you in the morning about it; she didn’t want you to think she’d forgotten, and managed to organise everything with their help, whilst you were gone. As soon as you walked into the base, you would be surprised to find that there were a colourful assortment of balloons around the base, and couldn’t help, but smile, whilst you looked around; you’d never seen so many birthday decorations before, mostly because your father had never really cared for your birthday, or organised anything for it, and it also meant, because your father didn’t know Harley had been secretly staying there with you, she couldn’t put up as many decorations as this, only around your room, and could only steal a couple of cupcakes for the both of you, but the others had helped her to make a bigger cake, which was perched upon the centre of the living room table, and your eyes glinted when you noticed it; it was your favourite; she’d remembered, and you couldn’t believe it. “Nugget, you’re back-!” Harley squeaked, and you looked up at her; she was stood at the top of the stairs, wearing a beautiful red dress, and you stilled for a moment, your breath catching in your throat; she looked amazing, and you wondered what you’d done to deserve someone as kind, perfect and beautiful as her.

Your heart began to race, whilst you stammered, prompting her to smile lovingly down at you, and a blush spread over her cheeks; she loved flustering you like she evidently had done. “W-Wow,” you mustered, your voice briefly trembling, and she lifted an eyebrow, smirking, “you - you look - s-stunning, b-beautiful, I - I..” You whimpered quietly, trying to swallow the lump in your throat, whilst your fangs began to unfold. “I love you so much,” you expressed shakily, and she rushed down to you, before throwing her arms around you, and you returned the hug, holding her up whilst she had her legs hooked around your waist, “I - Even find myself f-feeling like I can’t breathe when I’m around you; how do you do that to me so easily?”

“By being awesome-?” She answered, grinning whilst she did, her forehead connected to your’s, and you nodded in agreement, giggling with her. You then found yourself getting lost in her eyes, whilst she stared into your’s, and booped the tip of your nose with her’s affectionately, making you smile warmly again over at her. “You’re staring again,” she teased, and you winced when you realised, embarrassed, and she would smile when she noticed that you’d begun to blush, with her.

“Don’t smile at me like that,” you whined, and she giggled again, amused by your reaction, “you know it drives me crazy.”

“Why? Are you saving being crazy for later?” She teased, tilting her head partially, and you would be further flustered, making it hard for her not to kiss you to fluster you even more.

“I - I might be,” you answered, and she’d lift an eyebrow, intrigued.

“Then I’ll try and stop myself from making you go crazy,” she replied, “but in order for me to do that, you have to stop being so cute.”

You giggled, before tilting your head partially. “How?” You asked, and she would think about it for a moment, before shrugging, and appearing puzzled.

“I don’t know,” she stated, “I think it’s impossible, honestly; nothing can stop you from being my cute little wolfy.”

You both would be surprised by the door leading out to the Kitchen opening, revealing a distressed Renee, and Canary. “S-Sorry to interrupt, but,” Canary began breathlessly, “other - other werewolves, o-outside-”

“They took Cassandra,” Renee added hastily, and you both faltered, whilst a soft growl managed to emit from your throat; you knew you’d have to get Cane back, somehow, whilst driving the other Omegas away; no pack member should be left behind, especially not Harley, or Cane.

“We’re gonna get her back,” you assured, before looking over at Harley, who nodded to show you that she was okay, and felt ready. “If you ever need me out there-”

She held both of your hands in her’s, and you glanced down at them, your eyes glinting for a moment, before you looked up at her again, your eyes meeting her’s, and easily locking with them. “You’ll be there, I know,” she reassured you, and you smiled faintly back at her, before leaning forward to connect your lips to her’s for a moment, and she melted into the kiss, the both of you feeling empty once it was over. “We’ll - We’ll continue once it’s over, and once we’ve got our kid back,” she stated, and you nodded, your smile subconsciously growing; you’d both practically adopted Cane, especially after Harley had stolen Canary’s car and driven off with her. “Good luck, Nugget,” she cooed, and you smiled softly, before returning the phrase, and she begrudgingly let your fingers slip from her’s, so you could lead the group out; they’d been letting you do so, recently; Harley had told them to; she wanted you to see that you were the Alpha she saw and knew that you were, which you’d gradually been starting to, except you still found yourself doubting what you were often, and this often got you as well as the others into even more trouble.

When it came to protecting Harley at all costs, and retrieving Cane, you were fine, and focussed only on defending them, solely, but when you had to protect the others, Renee and Canary, as well as in some cases direct or defend the whole group at the same time, whilst brawling with another Omega, yourself, you struggled, like you knew your mother wouldn’t, and this always tended to dishearten you, and slow you down. These brief feelings were kicked from you when you looked over to see that Harley was struggling with another of the Omegas, after her circus hammer had been broken by the previous one she’d been fighting with. You snarled, before snapping at the Omega you were currently fighting with, before swiping your paw at it’s left cheek, leaving deep scratch marks within it. You then managed to tackle it down to the ground with your left paw, pinning it to the ground, before managing to snap it’s neck by applying even more pressure down onto it. You practically threw yourself in Harley’s direction, loping toward her and the Omega she was fighting with, leaping when you heard another Omega running toward you, and managing to evade it’s attack, before landing on the Omega’s back, surprising, as well as elating Harley, and prompting her to stab it’s side with the sharp remains of the hammer whilst you were distracting it, and you jumped off of it’s back before the Omega collapsed, and protectively stood in front of Harley, growling whilst you watched it struggling, and writhing in agony. ‘Mine,’ you snarled, and Harley smiled lovingly down at you, before she wrapped her arms around you for a moment.

“Always, little wolfy, always,” she cooed, and you relaxed, smiling back at her, “I love you so much. Let’s wrap this up together, what do you say?” You nodded, before loping toward the last of the Omegas, Harley running alongside you, after she’d pulled out the sharp stick from the now dead Omega’s side.

“It was a joke, baby, I swear,” Harley whined, whilst trying not to laugh; you were pouting, and she thought it was adorable, as well as funny; you’d both been playing random games together, teasing one another, and tickling each other occasionally whenever the other cheated when their turn came; she wanted to make up for the fact that the unexpected invasion had disturbed her time with you, earlier, “c’mon-”

“Tell me I don’t sound like a witch when I laugh,” you practically pleaded, and she pretended to think, fighting back a smirk whilst she did. “That’s it, Quinzels,” you replied, grinning whilst you picked her up off of the bed, making her laughing whilst she clung to your shoulders, “I’m putting you in time out.”

“What?” She responded, after dramatically gasping, making you laugh again, and she smirked up at you, pointing whilst she did, as if you’d sounded like a witch again, and you whimpered, acting as if you were offended whilst you carried her out of the room. “You can’t banish me, this is my bedroom, too,” she reminded you playfully, “I thought we could only put Cassie into time-out, what gives?”

“‘Cassie’,” you mused, and she nodded; Harley had decided to adopt that nickname for her, and you couldn’t help, but smile warmly, finding it adorable, “that’s cute, like you.” She appeared flustered by your remark, and you giggled when you noticed that she had begun to blush faintly, and was trying to hide it by pressing her face into your left shoulder. “I love you so much,” you expressed, whilst carefully lowering her back down onto her feet, and connecting your forehead to her’s, and she smiled even wider, prompting your heart to skip a few beats, and fangs to unfold, but you tried to hide it from her, embarrassed; you tended to not be able to control it when it happened during times like these. “I’m - I’m gonna marry you one day,” you mustered faintly, your voice close to a whisper, and she seemed to stop breathing for a moment, her eyes glinting, whilst they widened, “if - if you’ll still-.. still have me, when the time comes, but if - if you ever get bored of me, or find someone else-”

“Hey,” she interrupted gently, a hurt look on her face, “I could never get bored of you; I love you, Nugget, you know that, right?”

You nodded, forcing a smile back at her; you still believed she deserved so much better than you, and wondered why she was still with you, after everything you’d both been through together already. “O-Of course I do, Quinzels,” you answered, and she expressed relief, before easing you closer to her so she could connect her lips to your’s for a moment, and you melted into the kiss, feeling how much she loved you within it, and you revelled in the feeling, your smile growing genuine, though you still felt empty once it was over; you wished you both could be together like this every moment of every day. “So - You - would want to marry me?” You assumed, and she nodded, her eyes glinting again.

“I’d love to,” she answered, “and that’ll never change, I promise. T-That’s why - When I thought I’d never see you again, I’ve not-.. been with another woman, because you’re the only one for me.” You would be surprised, not expecting that, but flattered, all the same, whilst wondering what you’d done to deserve someone as kind, caring, and perfect as her. “I - I can’t wait to marry you, Y/n,” she admitted, “and I’m always gonna try and prove that to you, even if you already believe that I do.” You found you couldn’t respond, feeling as if you might break down and start crying if you tried; she was too good to you, you believed, and always had been, ever since you’d both met and become friends in college together. “Am I still banished-?” She inquired, and you grinned when you remembered, before shaking your head, prompting her to silently cheer, glad that she’d won you over again.

“I’ve changed my mind, for now,” you answered, before carrying her back into you and her bedroom, and she giggled whilst you did; she liked to be carried by you, she found whenever she was, and considered maybe even getting herself banished more often just to be carried out of the room by you, and then back in after flustering you, and pouring her heart out to you each time to do so.

~-~

However, one of these attempts led to you both having an argument, which happened rarely for you both, making it hurt more for the both of you; she’d said something that reminded you of something your father used to say to you, and insult you with, and it brought back memories which angered you and hurt you all over again like they did the day they were created. “I was just joking,” she retorted, evidently frustrated by how you were acting, and being dismissive with her, “Y/n, c’mon-” You moved away before she could touch you, worried about accidentally hurting her; you could feel yourself beginning to heat up, and the wolf within you was scratching to come out. Your fangs had already unfolded, and you were trying to stop your claws from penetrating through the gaps of your fingers, feeling awful when you noticed the hurt look on her face; you hated upsetting her, like you just had, and she couldn’t stop herself as she snapped back at you. “You’re seriously like a child,” she hissed, and you faltered, a pained expression on your face, making her feel guilty as she shook her head, before stepping closer to you, her eyes beginning to fill with tears, breaking your heart for the 100th time that night.

“You’re right,” you murmured, and she shook her head again, trying to hug you, but you moved away before she could again, “I.. I’m sorry, Harley, I-.. I don’t deserve you-”

“That’s not true, Y/n,” she contradicted, “you more than deserve me-”

You scoffed, not believing her, whilst you meandered around her to get to the door, panicking her. “I know I don’t, you - you don’t have to lie,” you uttered, before stopping in front of the door for a moment, and glancing back at her, your hand laid upon the handle, and she silently begged for you to stay, terrified of losing you again; she knew she couldn’t live without you again, like she’d had to, before, “I’ll - be back, later, don’t wait up for me; I’m not worth it.” You then dragged yourself from the room, whilst Harley remained stood within it, trying not to cry; she’d never intended to fight with you, and wished she could go back in time and prevent it from happening; take back what she’d said to make you react the way you had, and the fact that she couldn’t pushed her to break down, and curl up on you and her bed whilst she curled up and cried herself quietly to sleep, and once you’d returned, she was still curled up, and you felt even worse when you could feel the sadness radiating off of her, wondering why you had returned in the first place, when you knew she’d probably be better off without you. You sank down beside the bed, feeling as if you didn’t deserve to be laid down upon it beside her, before you curled up beside it, refusing yourself sleep for the entire night; you wanted to stay awake for her, in case anything happened, but she seemed to manage to sleep peacefully until morning came, and she woke up, soon beginning to cry again when she noticed you curled up on the floor, appearing to be bleeding; you’d spent most of the night inflicting pain upon yourself, feeling as if you deserved to do so, and she was terrified that she’d lose you, finding that you had fallen unconscious, after she’d been attempting to wake you up, and achieving no reaction whatsoever from you.

~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed! ❤️

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bardofanauthor · 1 year

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Flashback to 2020 (tw depressive rant)

So, I’m pretty tired with myself today…

I’m so fucking lonely here you know?

No one around to talk to, everyone doing their own things?

It’s stupid…

Why can’t I love someone like how I love myself?

Am I that fucking insane to do something like that?

I guess I am…

I’m so fucking lonely…

I don’t hang out with many people anymore because of COVID….

I miss my old friends so much that I forget I even exist…

I think about people all the time that I become a completely different person.

It’s stupid.

It’s dumb.

It’s crazy what you do for love.

I know you will all be reading this and think, “What the fuck is this shit?”

I don’t know what I am either…

I’m just the chaos and the calm…

The sun and the moon…

Forward and backwards….

I’m everything people want to be and don’t want to be…

I’m the person that could help you or hurt you….

I am the person that talks to everyone or stays in the shadows…

I am myself…

I am not myself…

I am something I’m not…

Something not human…

Something not myself…

What even am I?

Why am I here?

Why do I even exist?

I don’t need to exist… at all!

Fuck me! I don’t give a shit!

Leave me alone for once!!!

I hate myself so fucking much!!!

I’m worthless!

I’m nothing.

I’m nothing without her.

I’m nothing without him.

I’m nothing without them.

I’m nothing.

I am nothing to no one…

And now I'm done with this...

This mask of a smile I've worn for so long...

It's gone...

The mask of happiness for my friends and families to see...

For the happiness I've falsely felt for an enternity...

Slam my fist in the wall.

Throw some shit and give me a call.

I'll scream at you for however long I feel like.

How are you doing?

Are you bleeding like me?

Are you hiding behind a mask like me?

A mask like mine?

Are you here?

Are you surrounded by your own peers?

Are you looked down on or looked up to?

Are you still trying to be the version of yourself everyone thought you were a year ago?

Are you still faking those smiles?

Are you burning the horrible memories, that made no one trust you anymore?

Are you lying to people that don't deserve it?

Can you stop, cause I am far too gone?!

I need to stop and listen.

I need to do this, evenly.

I am a giant wave crashing into the shore line.

I am myself.

I am not.

I am the calm and the chaos.

I need help, but no one ever listens because, they have their own issues.

They have no time for you, it's true.

Leave them behind and don't go running back to them or they will hurt you more....

Or maybe not...

Maybe they're something more.

Like a soulmate or friend....

Maybe I should reach out to them for help...

Can I reach out for help?

Myself in 2020, not in the right headspace.

#tw depressive #writing #mentally tired #flashback #i am better than this #depressing poem #fuck 2020

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thewriting-corner · 2 years

Text

Linking Mental Health To Your Writing

Hello people. I am currently on deadline, and while that is making me really stressed, it’s the first time since I started this post that I feel remotely okay lol. Here’s to finally finishing it and posting writing advice- ish again (half rant, half advice). WUUUUUUU

TW: depression, anxiety, my horrifying coping mechanisms in 2020 lol

Introduction

It’s no secret that I have amazing mental health, by which I mean I’m constantly laughing at my terrible coping mechanisms,

mommy issues, and occasional depression and anxiety. When I was young(er), these are the things that made me want to write. Because I wasn’t going to therapy or talking to friends, writing BECAME my coping mechanism. It was great for some time, but after a while it began to develop some faults.

Not Sustainable

Now, I will not tell you how to or not cope with your problems and mental health. I am not a therapist or a specialist at ALL, but I do know from experience that this is not sustainable in the long term. It’s okay to write when you are sad or angry, but when you’re only able to write when you’re sad or angry, it can become a problem.

Of course, if you write as only a hobby and a way to cope with sadness, okay, you do you. But if your end goal as a writer is to make this your profession and sell books, it’s okay to take a moment and breathe. For me, I did this a lot with poetry. I only wrote poems about heartbreak and pain, and while I was okay with this being my niche, after a few months it became extremely hard to separate my poem reality from the real one. The lyrical I in my poems was in constant pain, mourning for a love she lost, but in real life? I was yes, lonely and in pain, but I still had so much to live and laugh for. I learned to wield my pain like a pen and that was great, but it took over me to the point of it actually worsening my mental health. Instead of only being sad sometimes, I would feel horrible all the time. It was no longer just the heartbreak of remembering what had inspired the poems, it became an everyday feeling that I couldn’t get rid of.

Self-Worth

My inspiration being based only on bad mental health was not only worse for my, well, mental health, but it began to affect how I felt about myself as well. Before, it was AMAZING that I’d never written a poem and then I was spitting them out four times a day. Later on, if I couldn’t write I was a failure. I sucked. Not only was I broken because I was unloved, but I couldn’t even do the one thing I had learned to do okay enough. And if I couldn’t do that, what was I even worth as a person?

The right answer is yes, yes I was, BUT bad mental health brain told me I wasn’t. And from there the only place I could keep going was down, and if you think I became a better writer for it, you are so, so wrong. It got to the point where I even gave up on poems too.

What To Do Instead

Okay so enough with the sob story. We all have bad mental health days and sometimes we take it out on the poor innocent character who was been mentioning for the last 20 pages how eager they are to create a future with their love interest. THATS OKAY!!!!!! The problem is only when you go overboard with it and are only able to write when you feel like crap.

If you are in this position, first of all, you’re awesome and deserving of love, and even if you kinda sucked you would be deserving of love. Second, if it’s something that happens often it’s time to seek help. Whether that be talking to family members or journaling or going to therapy is up to you. But turning a hobby into the only way you may remain emotionally stable is bound to become a disaster.

I wish I could give advice based on my experience, but as I mentioned before, I don’t write poems anymore. I’ve become unable to tap into that brain space that allowed me to write them. I burned out, pretty much.

Now, I’m so very sorry but I’m about to self promote lol. I’ve been pretty open about my depression episodes because, well, I have a problem with oversharing lol but also, because I’m really passionate about destigmatizing mental illness. And so, it’s no secret that my upcoming book The Sun Leads Back To You (coming April 14, 2023 hehe) was born during one of my worst depression episodes in years. So how, oh so wise Lu, is that any different than using writing to cope?

Well, my dearest reader, I did some things that helped me not fall even deeper than where I was at the time. First, I wrote what began as a not-too-sad story. I incorporated many of the aspects that had me depressed, yes, but they were secondary to the fluffy outline of the plot. What I needed when I started writing was hope, and so I began to write a story of a broken girl who gets the happy ending she desired.

I didn’t allow myself to become consumed with it. With my poems and with the other book I was writing at the time (another big reason for my starting to write TSLBTY), I became obsessed. In 2020, at the peak of my editing The Wrath of Chaos, I once edited almost 50,000 words in one week while in exam season. How? By sacrificing the one thing that kept me sane at the time: sleep and breaks. For every second I wasn’t thinking about school, I had TWoC in mind. And for every moment I wasn’t just thinking about it or studying, I was writing. Which meant I was barely sleeping or eating. It came to a point when the few hours I did sleep, I was hallucinating. And if I wasn’t hallucinating, my intense writing sessions would leave me forgetting the world of TWoC wasn’t real, and it would take me minutes to recover from the realisation that Marty and I were different people.

In hindsight, the hallucinations weren’t that bad, honestly, but it was hard sometimes to know what was dream, reality or a mix, and that really screwed me up. So when the time came to write TSLBTY, I didn’t allow myself to become so immersed in the world that I would struggle with the line between Sofia and Thomas and myself. I forced myself to have other goals and a life other than this book. Did it make it harder to write sometimes? Yes. But I’d rather be struggling to complete a deadline than forget the difference between real and fiction again.

Along with one of my previous points, I’ve made it a priority to not make it a lonely journey. Writing may be one of the loneliest professions and hobbies, but it doesn’t have to be. Having friends to lean on when a scene is hard or to celebrate accomplishments has made writing a trauma-packed story a lot easier to bear.

All that said, I truly believe the most important thing you can learn as a writer is to learn to separate your self worth from your writing. We are SO much more than words on paper (or lack thereof lol). It’s hard to remember sometimes, but when it is, I think the best we can do is take a look at other people around you. Your friends and family are not just side characters in your story - they have goals and lives and dreams, etc, and so do you. Your worth is NEVER defined by what you can or cannot do. Realising this isn’t a guarantee you won’t burnout, but it’s a least a cushion to fall on when you inevitably fail. And when you do, at least you know you’ll be okay <3

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