#i get so drained from socializing and consistent noise

[buckys-forgotten-plum]

A Lesson in Love {2}

College!AU

Smarty Pants!Bucky x Cheerleader!Reader

Synopsis: Being a newly metamorphosed social butterfly certainly has its perks: an amazing friend group, a position on the cheer squad you’ve dreamed about for years, and the ability to make connections everywhere you go. Unfortunately, it doesn't make you any better at Linear Algebra, enter Bucky Barnes.

Warnings: Cursing, awkward reader, James Barnes being a menace, probs cringy writing, most definitely not proofread <3

A/N: Part 2! Hooray! I’m not super happy with it, but to be fair i’m never happy with my work so whomp whomp to me. Hopefully you guys like it, next part will intro a new character and perhaps some drama will occur~

Part one

~~~~~~~~~~

Fluorescent light floods the space, the fixtures letting out a quiet hum that harmonizes with the consistent drone of the radiator up against the wall. The windows do little to help light up the room as overcast skies tease the possibility of rain. The room is warm, a contrast to the uncharacteristically chill weather outside, and with the calming white noise, you wouldn’t be surprised if someone used the space as more of a nap pod than a study room located in your university’s library.

And yet, even with what some would consider the perfect environment-

“I think I’m dying,” You groan, head slowly falling to rest upon the cool surface of the desk, “Seriously, I can feel the life draining from my body as we speak.”

An amused snort sounds from directly beside you, ”You’re not dying, just dramatic,”

Your head whips up at the accusation, eyebrows furrowed as your lips puff out into a frowning pout, “How could you say that? Look at me, I’m wasting away! Whoever invented this stuff should be burned at the stake” you grumble quietly and hold your glare on the man next to you.

James lets out a boisterous laugh, relaxing back into the office chair he’s sat in as he tilts his head and raises a curious brow at you, “Have you eaten today, Sugar? It’s nearly 1 o’clock and we’ve been here for over two hours,”

The pout adorning you face solidifies as he zeroes in on your failure to eat, “I got distracted while getting ready and didn’t have time to grab anything before heading over,” You break away from James’ gaze and stare down at your notebook, a small wave of embarrassment washing over you.

The reason you didn’t have time to eat was due to the fact you had to stand in front of your bathroom mirror for an extra 15 minutes to keep yourself from bailing out of the study session entirely. It had been two weeks since you had sat next to the brunette man that complimented your stickers and called you a sweet pet name, and those two weeks had been the most socially awkward you’ve felt since you had graduated high school. The stuttering, stumbling, word-vomiting self you had tried so hard to shove down into the dark depths of your mind had made a startling appearance in the last few weeks and you were struggling to understand why. All confidence left you as soon as James entered your eyeline, and frankly, it was making you spiral.

Was it his looks? No, that can’t be it. All of your friends were major hotties so you’d gotten used to being around ethereal beauty.

Was it the pet names? Also no, Stevie and Lena gave you pet names within the first week of knowing you!

Was it how close he always insisted on being to you? That-well that certainly wasn’t helping the situation. He’s just so warm and his cologne is to die for-

“Hey Sweets? You okay over there?” Your head jerks back up and whips over to find James looking at you with mild concern clouding his eyes.

“Oh what? Yea-no, or yes, yes I’m okay! Why do you ask?” Your hand subconsciously balls into a fist as you silently will the burn in your cheeks to subside. Pull yourself together for god's sake!

“I asked if you wanted to go grab something to eat and you kinda just…zoned out?” His questioning eyes were trained on your face, looking over your features to see if he could find a clue to your strange behavior.

”Right! Sorry, I guess maybe the lack of eating really is getting to me,” You mumble quietly.

James leans towards you, laying a gentle hand on your shoulder before nodding, “That’s alright, let’s go get you something to eat-“

Before he could finish his offer, he was interrupted by the familiar buzz of his phone on the table. Your classmate immediately slaps his hand down onto the device and silences it, letting out a quiet sigh. Curiosity overtakes your embarrassment and you look at your study partner inquisitively, “That's like the third time someone’s called you, maybe you should answer it this time?”

He shakes his head and smiles down at you as he stands, “Nah it’s nothing important. C’mon, I know a really good diner that’s right off campus,” He doesn’t wait for any confirmation before putting your notebook away and slinging both your bags over his broad shoulder.

You stare up at him for a moment, a little stunned at his boldness and questioning if he was joking or not, “A-are you sure? Because the test tomorrow seems like it’s gonna be pretty difficult and I’m not sure if I’ve done enough prep work yet.”

James gives you an understanding nod, “You’re not gonna retain anything if you’re starving, Sugar. Once we get some food in you, I promise we’ll come back here and finish studying.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right, does the diner have good french fries?” You look up at James with hopeful eyes as the thought of one of your favorite foods comes to mind.

He snorts out a laugh and nods his head, “Yes the diner has excellent french fries.”

———————

Thankfully, James wasn’t lying when he said the diner wasn’t too far away, as the weather seemed to only worsen as time passed. By the time you had arrived and James was kindly holding the door to the restaurant open for you, a chill had settled deep within your body, the wind had picked up dramatically and the clouds had darkened even more in color.

“Spring storm I guess? If it gets any worse we can just wait it out here, they have free WiFi and everything so we’ll be all set,” James comments as he leads you over to a small booth in the corner with a window that gives a perfect view for the upcoming storm.

You nod and begin to take in your surroundings. It certainly wasn’t the most modern diner you had ever been in, kind of reminded you of the one your grandparents would take you to as a kid. The dark green upholster on all the seats was worn, even cracked in some booths, and the floor looked like it had seen better days. But the waitress that greeted you was friendly and the smells coming from the kitchen window were making your mouth water.

”Hey Bucky! How’s your day goin’? Who’s your little friend here?” The chirping voice of the waitress brings you back to the surface of your mind as she approaches the table.

Your head tilts curiously at the unfamiliar name, but you quickly recover to smile up at the middle aged woman as James replies.

“Hi Donna,” James replies, a bright smile on his face as he introduces you as his new study partner, “It’s going good, just taking a break from studying for a bit, how about yourself?”

The waitress replies enthusiastically, recounting her day and telling James about her son giving her a hard time when getting ready for school earlier in the morning. James, (or Bucky?) laughs at her story before quickly glancing towards you with a smile, “You want anything to drink, Sugar?”

You’re taken off guard by the question thrown your way, “O-oh sorry, um yeah- Could I have like a hot chocolate maybe?”

”Hot chocolate huh?” James looks at you, his eyes still crinkled into that charming smile.

You once again feel your cheeks flare up as you realize the childish order, “O-or coffee, I mean, coffee is good!” You glance between the waitress, Donna, and James, silently hoping now that you’ve ordered they could go back to talking.

“Oh don’t let him tease you, sweetheart. Our hot coco is to die for here, and I like to dress it up with all the fixin’s so don’t you worry,” She smiles down at you and gives you a mischievous wink before jotting your order down on a notepad.

You mumble a quiet thanks and immerse yourself in the menu that was slipped onto the table earlier. James gives his order to Donna before stating you’d both need a couple minutes to decide what you’d like to eat. As your waitress departs to begin fulfilling your orders, James turns his attention back to you. You fail to notice his stare as your attention remains locked onto the pages of the menu, and it’s not until you’re deciding between pancakes or a burger that he breaks your focus.

A little ball of paper hits your forehead, taking you by surprise and causing you to let out a grumble of discontent, “What the hell James?”

You look up from your menu, surprised by the plastic cups of water Donna had managed to deliver without disturbing you and realizing the object that hit you must have been a balled up straw wrapper. You glare down at the little piece of ammo before fixing your glare onto James’ mischievously glinting eyes, “Can I help you?”

His smile widens and he moves to lean his forearms on the table, his eyes turning from mischief to intensity as they narrow, “Yeah, actually you can,” he nods before leaning forward even more, “What’s your deal, Sugar?”

You instinctively try to lean further back into your own seat but only meet a wall, “What do you mean ‘what’s my deal’? What’s your deal, Bucky?” Your eyes narrow just like his, and even though you’re basically plastering yourself against the wall of the booth, you try to look as intimidating as possible.

‘Bucky’ leans over the table even more, comically so to the point where he’s basically kneeling on the bench, inadvertently making you let out some garbled hybrid of laughter and discomfort, “How do you know about that name?” He asks accusingly, his right hand shooting out to point a finger in your face.

You guffaw, face contorting into a look of absolute disbelief as you go to defend yourself, “James the waitress literally called you that like five minutes ago,” You deadpan, no wonder this guy was failing your math class.

James somehow manages to narrow his eyes even more and it starts a staring (or glaring) contest between you both. Your expression changes from disbelief at his cartoonish reaction, to unamused as you refuse to let him win the silly challenge. The two of you sit in silence for who knows how long, your eyes are beginning to feel a slight sting on your waterline and you’re almost sure James is cheating with how squinted he’s made his eyes. You nearly give in just to end the ridiculous game when suddenly two mugs of hot coco, brightly decorated in whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles, are unceremoniously set down on the table. The loud clap of ceramic on wood makes both of you break and look up at Donna who is sporting an awkward, albeit friendly, smile.

“Everything alright over here?” She asks, glancing between you and James as she cautiously slides each mug towards their respective owner.

“All good over here Donna! You ready to order some food, Sweets?” James’ suspicion has completely melted away as he now casually leans against the back of the booth, sporting a lopsided grin.

“I-Uh yeah, yeah I guess so…” You murmur, quickly flipping through your menu again and making sure you recite the correct menu item to Donna as you order.

Donna makes sure to jot down both yours and James’ orders, along with any modifications that were requested before quickly making her way back to the kitchen, leaving you and James in another drought of silence. You take the chance to look around the diner once again, trying to ignore the feeling of James staring at you from across the table. You hear the faint scraping of ceramic sliding across the table and before you’re able to tear your eyes away from the downpour happening outside the window, James is out of his seat and gliding right back into yours, unabashedly crowding into you.

His right arm goes up to drape across the back of the booth while his left rests on the edge of the wood table. As soon as you notice what’s happening, a squeak of surprise pushes out of your lips and you begin to scoot closer to the window, James immediately following you and effectively trapping you in the corner of the booth. His cologne surrounds you, the warm, spicy scent of cinnamon takes over your senses and the body heat that begins to radiate off of him and on to you nearly sends you into a spiral.

“You didn’t answer my question, Honey Bee,” James hums smoothly, his eyes hooded as he looks down at you.

You immediately want to tell him that nickname is reserved for Steve but are unable to as you become distracted by how positively close he is to you. You’re able to make out details never before noticed from your previous, appropriately distanced, encounters. Every impossibly long eyelash that brushes against his sharp, freckle dusted cheekbones, the different hues of blue that marble his icy pupils, the rough stubble that signifies the beginning of a beard.

It feels like lava is injected into your veins and a fiery heat races up your neck to the tips of your ears. You stutter out a few incomprehensible words, trying to look anywhere but at the man who is taking up most of your field of vision. Your hands clench into stressed fists as they clam up from a mix of stress and shear shyness.

“I-I don’t… I’m not really sure w-what your-what you could be talking about James,” You mutter quietly, continuing to push yourself up against the window to achieve a modicum of space.

“That right there,” James nods in your direction, “Sweetheart, you’re known as the campus’ social butterfly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you not talking to somebody, but whenever we get together for our study sessions you go all-“ He waves a hand haphazardly towards your scrunched up form, “gooey,” He finishes with finality, dropping his waving hand back down onto the table.

You don’t say it out loud, but gooey is a far cry to what you feel right now, tight and strung out, waiting for your strings to finally reach their limit before they inevitably snap.

James only waits a moment before speaking again, “It’s like every time we get together you wanna melt into the floor, you never want to push too hard, or your always bending to what you think I’d prefer. I know you aren’t like that with anyone else, Sugar. I saw you try to put Roger’s into a headlock last week and-“

”Y-you know Steve?” You interrupt suddenly, your brows furrowing curiously as you finally turn your gaze to James.

His reaction to your question makes it look like you caught him in some type of lie, and you actually start to think you might actually have. Ever since you had talked to James that day in your lecture, neither him nor Steve had made any indication of knowing each other, even if one was brought up by you in conversation with the other.

”Oh uhm…” James actually scoots back a bit, giving you the space to take a much needed breath. He breaks your gaze and glances around the booth, nervously tapping his index finger against the table, “I mean-y’know everybody kinda just, like, knows each other, ya know?”

You look at him, perplexed by the out of character reaction, “I guess, but you called him Roger’s and he only lets his close friends call him that.” Your head tilts as you look over the man's strange demeanor, “So do you guys know each other or…?”

”I think we should change the subject-“ He starts but before he can get very far you interrupt.

”Why are you being so dodgy about knowing Stevie?” You ask more firmly, gaining confidence as you realize your positions of interrogation have flipped.

”Why are you always so gooey around me?”

You scoff, “I am not gooey around you-“

James holds up a hand before you can continue your bickering, “Let’s make a deal. You drop the Steve thing, and I won’t comment on your gooey-ness-“

”But I’m not gooey!” You protest, voice strained and cheeks burning.

James puts his hand out for you to shake and raises a brow, “Deal or no deal, goober?”

You can’t help but let out a frustrated puff of air, your lips pouting out as you look up at him, “Fine. But you can’t call me goober ever again, and you have to tell me why Donna called you Bucky.” You grab his hand and wait for a response.

“I’ll tell you if I get to keep calling you goober,” He wagers, a sly grin spreading across his lips.

”You get a limit of once a day,” You deadpan.

“Make it five,” His grin grows wider and his grip on your hand firmer.

”Three,” You grumble, your pouted lips turning downward into a small frown.

”You got yourself a deal, goob,” James shakes your hand with finality and finally leans back to give you an appropriate amount of space.

You roll your eyes and snatch your hand back from his, “Pay up, you freak,” you grumble half heartedly.

James barks out a laugh at the lame insult, taken a little off guard by your sudden snappiness, “It’s nothing crazy, just a childhood nickname that followed me into adulthood. My middle name is Buchanan, so it’s just a shortened version,” He explains a bit bashfully, his eyes failing to keep contact with yours, “Most people call me Bucky unless it’s a professional thing or whatever,”

You try not to feel the disappointment of being categorized as ‘a professional thing or whatever’.

You nod your head in faux nonchalance, “That’s cool,”

James snorts at your lackluster reaction, “If you want, you can call me Bucky.”

You glance up at Bucky and back down to the table, biting down on your lip to hold back you smile, “O-okay,”

Bucky grins and lets out a quiet chuckle before turning to greet Donna as she cheerily arrives with your meals, pretending like she doesn’t notice that Bucky has switched to your side of the booth. She quickly restates each order and asks if anything else is needed, James confirms that everything looks fantastic and you both thank her before she walks away. You begin to dig into your plate, humming quietly at the flavorful scramble that melts in your mouth as you realize how truly hungry you are. Arithmetic and bickering with a handsome classmate really works up an appetite apparently. James begins to dig in to his as well, gracelessly shoving large bites of pancakes into his mouth as if he hadn’t eaten in years. You silently roll your eyes and continue on with your meal as you both enjoy your meals.

It’s only after a few minutes of wordless eating that Bucky speaks, “Y’know I like when you get feisty with me. Makes me get all hot n’ bothered,” He states simply, taking a break from stuffing his face to smirk down at you.

You shrink into yourself at his comment, the heat in your neck and face coming back like a tsunami. Your eyes stay fixed on your plate as you stiffly stab your fork into the pile of hash browns in the corner. You grumble out your response and pretend like you aren’t burning up from embarrassment.

“Shut up n’ eat your pancakes you freak,”

~~~~

taglist: @iyskgd

^let me know if you’d like to be added! :)

[medstudentinfandom]

Autistic Alastor thoughts! AKA this man is one of the most autistic men to ever autism, and my sources are like half projection. But! I also have many thoughts/justifications/headcanons that I wanna share. So here they are.

Alastor learned to mask from an incredibly young age. He was a mixed child growing up in the south in the early 1900s, I think he would have recognized VERY early on that he ought to not do anything that would draw more intention than necessary

Went into radio because that was the most socially acceptable way for him to have a career that fully centered around him talking uninterrupted about his special interests.

Had a bit of trouble while alive in finding the line of when dark humor went a bit too far. His jokes about the stock market crash were well received and seen as a lovely little reprieve from the terrifying reality. Making offhand comments about who the "New Orleans Butcher" should target next didn't land quite as well.

His refusal to adapt to modern times relates a lot to his autism. He's already learned everything he can about radio, went through the trouble of learning the powers he was granted in Hell, why would he waste his time learning about all this newfangled technology? All of his old tech works perfectly fine, thank you.

Personally I've pretty much settled in the fact that he is physically incapable of dropping his smile. BUT something something hypermasking to the point the desire to appear "normal" by neurotypical standards loops back around to being creepy and off putting to all nt's in the room.

I think he experienced that somewhat while alive (overcompensating for his lack of eye contact by staring at people HARD, etc.) and tried to adjust that. But in Hell? Full uncanny valley, he does not care, he will be strange and off putting and he will ENJOY IT

Going back to Alastor's refusal to adapt, his hatred for change also means he DESPISES how much Vox has changed. He liked Vox, he was comfortable with Vox, there was literally nothing wrong with the way Vox was. And then he went and changed his body and demeanor and he was supposed to want to stick around him (he does keep his old head to comfort himself)

Not really a big stimmer. Except that he bites. He bites so so much in the least sexy way imaginable. In any given moment if you pull off his gloves, he's got puncture wounds in various stages of rapid healing because the moment he needs to self regulate, he is chomping down.

I also feel the need to mention that I think it would be funny if, while they were close, Alastor consistently used Vox's arm as his own personal chew toy. Something about the silicone faux skin he uses just feels great to bite into, what can he say? This has unfortunately also resulted in Vox having a Pavlovian response of just holding his arm up anytime someone close to him gets clearly agitated.

Sensory issues, a plethora of sensory issues! Absolutely despises the feeling of wet fur, whether it's getting wet while it's still on him or he's cleaning it out of the drain. He has genuinely considered tearing all his fur out from the root to avoid it. Also, I despise his fuckass bob, but I like to tell myself the reason he cuts it Like That in the back is to avoid hair brushing against the back of his neck. That would make him Violent.

Noise is a tricky one. For the most part, he loves a loud, music filled and bustling club and doesn't mind it at all. But I think if he is already feeling overstimulated, someone talking a little too loud is enough to set him off.

Very touch averse, with specific exceptions. If he's the one initiating the contact, and especially if he's already tipsy? All good, that's fine. But if someone else is approaching HIM, especially when he isn't expecting it? Like 80% of the time he will not tolerate at all, and even when he will it is for a very limited amount of time.

And of course, should anyone ever approach and ask him if he's autistic? Well, he doesn't really know at all what you're talking about! His behaviors? Goodness, what's so strange about his behaviors, YOU'RE probably the weird one actually.

Perhaps I will add on to this if more thoughts come to me. Till then thanks for reading lol

[enhastars]

THE RED ROOM જ⁀➴  CHAPTER FIVE

Ever since Heeseung was a child, he had been fascinated with learning new things. While his classmates groaned in unison whenever the teacher introduced a new unit, Heeseung would sit up straighter in his seat, eager to jot down every word. It was in his nature to be curious, a trait that helped him maintain excellent grades throughout his school years.

His favorite pastime, however, was cooking—a passion that directly contradicted his parents' expectations. They were proud of his consistent academic performance and his outstanding report cards, but the moment he mentioned pursuing a career in culinary arts, they outright dismissed it. For Heeseung, this was the most frustrating part of his love for learning: his parents always set limits on what he was allowed to explore. They had insisted medicine was the only respectable path, and while he didn’t hate the idea of studying medicine, his heart was drawn to the kitchen.

By the time college application season arrived, Heeseung knew he needed to get as far from home as possible. His parents’ impossibly high standards left him feeling suffocated, trapped between two unbearable options: become a doctor or be labeled a failure. As soon as the leaves started to turn in early autumn, he applied for early admission to his dream school. With his high GPA and perfect attendance record, it didn’t take long for him to be accepted.

High school almost deterred his love of learning. Classes were less about exploration and more about test scores, a system that drained the joy out of education. But despite the pressure, Heeseung graduated with flying colors and secured a spot at a university far from his overbearing family. Even as a broke undergrad living in a foreign country, he was content. He felt freedom for the first time in his life. 

It wasn’t until his third year of college that cracks began to form in his confidence. He didn’t mind learning English—something he had to do with his school being in the United States—but the career path he’d once envisioned started to feel blurry, like a curved line instead of the straight road he’d imagined.

Do I really want to cook for the rest of my life?

He pondered this question every day. Academically, he was doing well, and he’d even grown close to his roommate, who was also a culinary arts major. But homesickness began to creep in, and the thought of graduating and facing the real world filled him with dread. Who would hire him? He wasn’t anyone special. These doubts dragged Heeseung into a depressive episode, and for weeks, he felt like he was treading water, unsure of his direction.

It wasn’t until one fateful night that things began to shift.

The night had started unremarkably. It was a party, thrown by the frat seniors to celebrate the end of the semester, and somehow, Heeseung had gotten an invitation. Normally, he wasn’t the type to loosen up and crack open a cheap beer at a rave, but his roommate had received an invite for two, and Heeseung figured he could use the distraction.

Socializing wasn’t exactly his strongest suit. He wasn’t awkward, per se, but growing up with his nose in books rather than attending get-togethers had left him lacking in conversational finesse. He often wondered how he’d managed to make any friends at all.

So, when they arrived, Heeseung gravitated toward the corner of the living room, red solo cup in hand, content to observe. He sipped his drink slowly, watching his peers lose themselves in the blaring music and flashing lights. Some were dancing like their lives depended on it, while others slurred half-coherent conversations over the booming bass.

The chaos didn’t bother him. In fact, it was almost comforting. He’d been cramming for his certification exams for weeks, and the constant pressure had drained every ounce of his energy. Now, amidst the noise and the mindless revelry, he felt his stress start to ebb away.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

“I’ve never seen you around here before.”

In a flashback, Heeseung was jolted out of his thoughts by the unfamiliar voice. His head shot up, maroon bangs flopping against his forehead from the quick movement. Standing in front of him was a slightly shorter man wearing a Carhartt beanie that covered most of his hair, his lips curved into a drunk, easygoing smile.

Heeseung froze for a moment, captivated. The man’s bright azure eyes were obviously colored contacts, but they were no less mesmerizing. Heeseung felt his heart skip a beat. He was instantly smitten.

“Yeah, I don’t come here often,” Heeseung replied, setting down his drink as a smirk tugged at the corners of his lips.

“Yeah? Where’re you from?” the man asked, his words slightly slurred. He was clearly drunk, but instead of being put off, Heeseung found himself closing the distance between them. His body moved before his brain could catch up—probably the alcohol loosening his inhibitions.

“Johnson & Wales. I’m a culinary arts major.”

The other man’s jaw dropped slightly, his surprise evident even through the haze of intoxication.

“Holy shit, dude, that’s fucking amazing,” the man said, his voice enthusiastic but unsteady. A moment later, he winced and pressed a hand to his forehead, looking like he might throw up.

Heeseung instinctively took a step back, bracing himself. The last thing he wanted was to end the night with puke on his freshly bought clothes.

“Relax, man. I’m not gonna barf on you,” the stranger reassured him with a chuckle, leaning against the wall for support.

Heeseung felt his cheeks heat up but was grateful the dim, colorful party lights hid his blush.

“What about you? What do you major in?” Heeseung asked, genuinely curious.

The man laughed—hard. It wasn’t mean-spirited, but it caught Heeseung off guard. He furrowed his brow, puzzled. The question didn’t seem that strange or personal.

“I don’t go to college, dude,” the man finally said, grinning as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“What? Then why are you here?”

The man shrugged nonchalantly, snatching Heeseung’s mostly forgotten drink and downing the rest without hesitation.

“I just like partying.”

Heeseung scoffed, though a smile spread across his face at the man’s shameless honesty. There was something about his openness that Heeseung couldn’t help but admire. He’d spent his entire life hiding his emotions and true feelings from others, so meeting someone who acted like an open book made him equally envious and intrigued.

“So, you must be good at cooking, right?” the man asked, his tone teasing yet genuine. 

Heeseung nodded cautiously. “What about it?”

The man rummaged through his jacket pockets, his movements clumsy but determined, until he pulled out a crumpled business card. He held it out to Heeseung, who blinked in confusion

“Well, I just opened a restaurant with my friends,” the man explained, pointing at the card now in Heeseung’s hands. “And if you’re looking for a job—” he tapped the card again, grinning—“give us a call.”

Heeseung opened his mouth to respond, to tell him that he wasn’t really looking for work or to ask why this whole thing seemed so sketchy, but before he could get a word out, the man had already disappeared into the crowd.

Heeseung stood on his tiptoes, craning his neck to search for him, but the room was a chaotic blur of flashing lights, loud music, and drunken bodies. Giving up with a sigh, he leaned back against the wall, the bass from the speakers thrumming through his chest.

Disappointment was just beginning to creep in when his eyes drifted to the card in his hand. Scrawled messily on the back, alongside the restaurant’s information, was a phone number.

Heeseung’s heart leapt. That had to be the guy’s number. A super hot guy had just handed him his number—granted, under professional pretenses, but still. He couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. 

Thank god he’d decided to come to this party tonight. He definitely owed his roommate a huge thank-you for dragging him along.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Heeseung couldn’t stop thinking about that encounter. The gnawing feeling in his chest had lingered for days, refusing to settle no matter how much he tried to brush it off. Now, a few days later, he was sitting in the corner of a small, unfamiliar café with legs bouncing under the table as his nerves got the better of him.

The man he’d met that night seemed Korean, just like him. He’d picked up on the faint accent when the guy spoke English, a familiarity that tugged at his heartstrings.

He had impulsively called the written number, albeit after thinking about it for a while. Someone answered the phone, and once he told them his name they told him to come to this specific coffee shop. It felt strange. Heeseung had never been to this part of town before, and the person on the phone sounded far more serious than he had been during their first encounter. Heeseung tried to reassure himself that it might’ve just been the phone connection, but the unease didn't go away.

“What the hell am I doing here?” he muttered under his breath. For all he knew, this could be some elaborate human trafficking scheme, and he’d foolishly walked straight into their trap. He even dressed up for this. Great.

Just as he was about to leave and cut his losses, the bell above the door jingled. Heeseung glanced up to see three men walking toward him, all roughly the same height and dressed in black. One wore a T-shirt—crazy, considering the freezing weather outside—while the other two had hoodies pulled up over their heads.

He couldn’t see their faces clearly, as all three wore black masks, but one of them immediately caught his attention. The familiar frame made Heeseung relax slightly.

“Hey! You came!” Yep, it definitely was the same guy. He got up, fixing his teddy coat on the chair behind him. The said male took his hand, shaking it with excitement.

“Surprising, considering I don’t even know your name,” Heeseung teased, smirking as he gestured for the group to take a seat. The latter grinned sheepishly while the other two men sat down silently, one of them swatting him on the back of the head.

“You didn’t even introduce yourself, Jake? It’s a miracle this guy showed up at all,” said the man in the T-shirt, his gruff voice betraying a hint of irritation. Heeseung noted the faint rasp, like he’d been nursing a cold for weeks.

It was in Korean, which Heeseung may have forgotten a bit after being in Rhode Island for so long, but he could still pick up what was said. 

“This idiot,” the other man scoffed, pulling off his cap to reveal dark blue hair.

Heeseung chuckled at the exchange, unable to hold back an airy laugh. His reaction caught the three of them off guard, and they turned to him with varying degrees of surprise.

“Wait—you know Korean?” The shorter man–Jake–asked, wide-eyed.

“Of course I do,” Heeseung replied, finding their reactions amusing. It was almost as if they’d been caught talking behind his back (even though they hadn’t really).

Jake groaned, burying his face in his hands. “You should’ve told me that earlier,” he muttered, clearly embarrassed.

“Your English is great. Don’t sell yourself short,” Heeseung reassured him with a kind smile.

Jake’s ears turned red, and Heeseung found the sight inexplicably adorable. Everything about Jake was adorable, he realized. It was probably the only reason he was still seated here, despite how suspicious the whole situation felt.

“Ahem.” The blue-haired man next to Jake cleared his throat, looking unimpressed. Heeseung quickly collected himself, feeling warmth rush to his cheeks. He’d been caught staring.

“What is this, a date?” He asked with a teasing smirk, though his sharp tone made it clear he wasn’t amused.

Jake shot him a glare that went ignored.

“Jay’s right,” the man in the middle interjected. “This is about business.”

Heeseung turned his attention to the one who spoke. The man’s presence was calm but commanding, and Heeseung immediately pegged him as the leader of the group.

“So you guys are legit?” Heeseung asked, raising a skeptical brow. “I’m surprised.”

“Of course we’re legit,” the man said, scoffing lightly. “I’m Sunghoon, by the way. And you are?”

“Heeseung.”

“Nice to meet you, Heeseung.”

The exchange was polite enough, but the silence that followed was stifling. Heeseung shifted uncomfortably in his seat as Jake sipped from his drink, seemingly oblivious to the awkward tension.

Jay elbowed Jake sharply in the ribs, earning a pained groan.

“Ow! Asshole,” He hissed, rubbing his side.

“Can we get to the point already? We’re just sitting here like girls at a tea party,” Jay grumbled.

Heeseung found it hard to believe these three were running a legitimate business. They seemed more like bickering siblings than professionals.

“So, is it like a restaurant?” Heeseung asked, cutting through the chatter.

“Something like that!” Sunghoon grinned, but instead of reassuring Heeseung, it put him on edge. There was something about the overly eager expression that didn’t sit right with him.

“We’re still in the process of building a home base,” Sunghoon continued, “but we’re working with our legal team to get everything sorted.”

Heeseung blinked in disbelief, taken aback. These people don’t even have a settlement yet? Why the hell are they hiring so early?

“Wait—so you guys don’t even have a restaurant yet? Like, at all?”

Sunghoon opened his mouth, but Jay beat him to it. “Uh…” Jay avoided his gaze, suddenly very interested in his empty coffee cup.

Jake laughed nervously, trying to diffuse the tension. “Like hyung said, we’re in the process. It wouldn’t hurt to have extra help early on.”

“Oh yeah? And with what money are you going to pay me?” Heeseung asked, crossing his arms as he leveled a challenging glare at Jake.

Jake shrank back slightly, but Heeseung softened his gaze, not wanting to come off too harsh.

“Relax,” Sunghoon said cautiously, holding up his hands in a calming gesture.

“How do I know you’re not planning to kidnap me and sell my organs?” Heeseung joked, narrowing his eyes playfully.

Their eyes widened, and Jisung’s straw fell from his mouth dramatically. For a split second, fear was instilled in all their eyes as they all glanced at each other, and Minho thought he was spot on and they really were planning on kidnapping him, but they suddenly erupted into laughter. His brows furrowed, a frown growing on his lips. 

Their reactions were immediate. All three men froze, their wide eyes darting to one another like they’d been caught. For a brief moment, Heeseung’s stomach dropped as thought he’d hit the nail on the head, but then they suddenly burst into laughter.

“Oh my god, you’re hilarious,” Jay said, doubling over the table.

“We’re not in the black market, don’t worry,” Sunghoon said with a tired grin.

“Oh yeah, very reassuring,” Heeseung muttered sarcastically.

Sunghoon looked to be in thought for a second before leaning over the table, hands nearly brushing Heeseung’s. 

“How about a starting salary of 70k?” 

Heeseung’s jaw dropped, any grudges and speculations out the window. 70,000 dollars a year, and only the first year was insane. It was too good to be true. 

“Deal.” Fuck it, why not? It’s not like he had a set job for him after college, and he would be able to work with people he already (kinda) knew. Still, he was a little unsure. 

“You sure? You can’t go back after signing our contract.”

Heeseung rolled his eyes. This guy was unbelievable.

“I said yes, didn’t I?”

There was no turning back now. Jake and Jay’s faces lit up, both of them grinning like kids in a candy store. Even Sunghoon, who tried to maintain an air of professionalism, couldn’t entirely hide the giddiness in his expression. What absolute dorks.

“Thank you! I promise, you won’t regret it!” Jake exclaimed, jumping out of his seat with enough enthusiasm to draw attention from nearby tables. Jay groaned, swatting at him to sit back down and shushing him under his breath.

“Here are my credentials,” Sunghoon said, pulling a small piece of paper from his pocket and sliding it across the table. It looked like a business card—or at least, an attempt at one. It wasn’t the most professional thing Heeseung had ever seen, but it seemed legit enough.

“Wait, but where do I go—”

“Bye, Heeseung! Pleasure meeting you!”

Before Heeseung could finish his question, they were already halfway out the door. Sunghoon waved over his shoulder, and Jake and Jay trailed after him, leaving a few stray bills on the table to cover their drinks.

The whole thing happened so quickly that it left Heeseung momentarily stunned. He glanced at the unfinished drinks they’d left behind, then back at the café’s entrance. Why were they in such a hurry? And why did everything feel so rushed?

Letting out a long sigh, Heeseung slumped back into his chair. His fingers fiddled with the business card as his thoughts spiraled.

“What in the world did I just get myself into?”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The present wasn’t quite what Heeseung had imagined back at that café.

He stood in the kitchen now, the scent of spices and fresh herbs filling the air. The restaurant was bustling as usual, orders flying in and out of the small window where servers grabbed trays. From the outside, it was perfect—a fine dining dream. But Heeseung knew better. Behind the scenes, the restaurant was a smokescreen for something far more dangerous. What it was, he had no clue. 

Heeseung wiped his hands on his apron, his eyes darting to the exit where Sunghoon left with Jake and Jay following him. They were huddled together, their voices low as they talked about something that had Heeseung’s stomach twisting in knots. He tried to focus on cleaning his station, but he couldn’t ignore the looks they exchanged—subtle, but unmistakable. Something was going on, and it was something he wasn’t part of. Or maybe he was part of it, but they’d never been honest enough to tell him.

Heeseung thought of the small business card that had been tucked away in his wallet for years. The edges were frayed now, the text faded from overhandling.

When Heeseung first stepped into the restaurant, he froze in disbelief.

This couldn’t be it.

The “restaurant” Sunghoon had hyped up was nothing more than a cramped, dingy one-room building tucked into the back alleys of town. A faded neon sign outside flickered weakly, barely forming the word “Open.” Inside, the smell of grease and mildew hung in the air, mixing with something metallic and faintly sour.

The walls were stained with what he hoped was just grease, and the kitchen—if it could even be called that—was a mess of mismatched appliances and chipped countertops. The stove looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in years, and the lone refrigerator hummed so loudly it sounded like it was on its last legs.

Heeseung’s shoulders slumped as he surveyed the scene. This can’t be real.

“This is… certainly not what I expected,” he muttered under his breath, feeling the weight of disappointment settle in his chest.

Jake, who had been watching him nervously from behind, took a step forward. “It’s not much, but—”

“It’s literally nothing,” Heeseung cut him off, his voice flat.

Jake flinched, his usual cheeriness dimming for a moment. Heeseung turned on his heel, already reaching for the door.

“This was a mistake,” he said, shaking his head. “I didn’t sign up to work in a dump.”

“Wait!” Jake’s voice rang out, stopping Heeseung mid-step. He turned back reluctantly, eyebrows raised in a mix of impatience and skepticism. Jake jogged toward him, blocking his path with a desperate expression.

“Just… give us a chance!” Jake said, his words tumbling out quickly. “I know it doesn’t look like much right now, but it’s got potential. We’ve got potential.”

“Potential doesn’t pay the bills,” Heeseung replied, his tone sharp.

“Listen man, I get it.” Jake said, raising his hands in surrender. “But you’re a chef, right? You know what it’s like to take something raw and turn it into something amazing. That’s what we’re doing here, we just need someone like you to help us get started.” It sounded like he was scrambling. 

Heeseung stared at him, unmoved. This had to be a prank, and he was not finding it funny. 

“Jake.”

Both men turned to see Sunghoon stepping forward, his calm, steady presence immediately commanding attention. Jay followed close behind, his expression unreadable.

“Let me handle this,” Sunghoon said, brushing past Jake and stopping just a few feet from Heeseung.

Oh great. Spare me. 

Sunghoon’s gaze was piercing, but his voice was measured and controlled. “Heeseung, I understand your reluctancy. This place doesn’t look like much right now. Hell, it doesn’t look like anything. But you’ve got to trust me—we’re building something bigger than this.”

Heeseung’s eyes narrowed. “And what, exactly, are you building?”

“A legacy,” Sunghoon said, the word rolling off his tongue like it was the easiest answer in the world. “We’re not just opening a restaurant. We’re creating a name for ourselves. Something people will talk about for years to come.”

Heeseung snorted, unimpressed. “That’s a nice dream, but I’m not seeing how it connects to this.” He gestured around the room, his eyes lingering on the flickering light in the corner and the stained walls. “Some legacy..” 

“That’s why we need you,” Sunghoon said, taking another step forward. “Once this place takes off—which it will—you would have been a part of it from the beginning. This is more than just a job, Heeseung.”

“That’s a nice speech and all, but how are you supposed to pay me 70k a year?” Heeseung still wasn’t buying it, his stubbornness preceding all else. 

“You are a chef, right?” 

Sunghoon held his gaze, almost piercing into Heeseung’s eyes. 

“Cooking. Making sure the food tastes good—that’s all you need to worry about. We’ll take care of everything else.”

Heeseung spared a glance at Jake, who was fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie, and Jay, who stood with his arms crossed, looking quietly determined. His eyes returned to Sunghoon, who was watching him intently, as though daring him to say no.

There was something about the way Sunghoon spoke—calm, confident, and unwavering—that made Heeseung pause. Against his better judgment, a small part of him wanted to believe in what they were saying.

“You really think this place has a chance?” Heeseung sighed, his voice quieter now. 

Sunghoon’s lips curved into a faint smile. “I don’t think. I know.”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

author note: omg im so sorry i took so long to update!! this semester has been one of my hardest but i passed orgo 2 woooo!!! 😋 and i'm finally on summer break so i thought why not pick back up on where i left off? i hope you guys enjoy! (alice this is for u twin)

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taglist: @rebeccaaaaaaaa, @strxwbloody, @shuichi-sama, @pshbites

[digitalgirlguide]

Beyond Bubble Baths: A Realistic Guide to Wellness, Hygiene Hacks, Energy Cleansing, and the Art of Setting Healthy Boundaries

self-care as we know it has been reduced to retail therapy and splurging on skincare and the the essence of true well-being often gets lost in the noise of buying stuff.

you're not alone, i'm guilty of this too.if i'm sad i buy thing. i'm happy? i buy things.

and not saying that self care can't be buying yourself things because you feel like it but that's not a true reflection of self care.

self-care is a disciplined commitment to becoming the best version of yourself while tuning into your body's needs.

so what does realistic self care look like?

Take a few minutes each morning to set intentions for the day ahead.

practice gratitude by writing 3 things you're grateful for or using some of these prompts:

What are three things you are thankful for as you start your day? Consider the small details that often go unnoticed.

Recall a specific moment from today that brought a smile to your face or warmed your heart. Describe it in detail and express gratitude for that experience.

Think about any unexpected surprises or acts of kindness that came your way. How did they make you feel, and why are you grateful for them?

Before your next meal, reflect on the journey of your food from its source to your plate. Express gratitude for the nourishment it provides your body.

Organizing your day/week:

Plan with Purpose: Start your week with a glance at your calendar or planner. Note any upcoming deadlines, appointments, or social events. (A little prep goes a long way!)

Prioritize with Intent: Identify your top priorities for the week and break them down into manageable tasks. Tackling the most crucial items first ensures a sense of accomplishment. (Check off those big to-dos, and watch the momentum build!)

Time Blocking: Allocate specific time blocks for various activities. This technique helps maintain focus and prevents the day from slipping away in a blur. (Time blocking = your new productivity bestie.)

Flexibility is Key: While planning is essential, leave room for flexibility. Life throws curveballs, and being adaptable ensures you can navigate unexpected changes with grace. (Embrace the spontaneity – it's the spice of life!)

Self-Care Slots: Intentionally carve out moments for self-care throughout the week. Whether it's a short walk, a cozy reading break, or a meditation session, these are non-negotiable appointments with yourself. (Because self-love is a crucial part of productivity.)

Schedule regular social activities to stay connected: Meaningful connections are the backbone of a healthy support system. (Humans need socialization – it's science!)

Hygiene tips for mind and body

Begin your day with a cleansing ritual that extends beyond the physical. Consider practices like meditation (Remember, a cluttered mind can be just as burdensome as a cluttered space.)

Incorporate energy cleansing techniques into your routine, such as using crystals (clear quartz, black tourmaline, amethyst, rose quartz, selenite) to clear negative energy from your surroundings. (Just as we dust and declutter our physical spaces, it's important to cleanse the energetic residue that accumulates throughout our day-to-day lives.)

Recognize the importance of setting boundaries and restricting access to yourself when necessary. (You're not obligated to be constantly available to others, and it's okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being.) Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you, who make you feel good and encourage you to be your best self. (Life is too short to waste time on relationships that drain your energy and diminish your spirit.)

Embrace a straightforward yet consistent skincare routine. Cleanse, moisturize, and shield your skin from the sun – simplicity meets effectiveness.

Practice regular handwashing to ward off germs, especially before meals and after restroom visits. (Your hands will thank you, and so will your immune system.)

Simple ways to show up for yourself everyday

Practice self-compassion and forgiveness, recognizing that perfection is an illusion and mistakes are opportunities for growth. (We're all human, and it's okay to stumble along the way.)

Listen to your body's signals and honor its needs, whether that means nourishing yourself with wholesome food, getting regular exercise, or allowing yourself time to rest and recharge. (Your body is your greatest ally and deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.)

Embrace moments of joy and playfulness, indulging in activities that bring you laughter and delight. (Life is meant to be savored, not endured.)

let's reshape the narrative of self-care into a journey of discipline, mindfulness, and attunement to our inner voices.

[ffrostedfflakies]

Hidden Lover Chapter Three - The meeting.

Now you finally get to meet your boyfriend!

Looking up from the (very) confusing note you received you hear a crash coming from your bedroom.

Immediately, you go into high alert, becoming increasingly aware of the fact that you live alone. And that there should be literally no one in the house. Your eyes dart across the room, looking for some sort of weapon to defend yourself with. Although you don’t consider yourself much of a fighter, this was literally your home, your solitude, your escape from the daily responsibilities you have in the outside world. And you weren’t going to let anyone take it away from you.

Your eyes land on a vase, full of the flowers you received a couple days ago. Grabbing the flowers out of the vase you toss them aside before sprinting towards the kitchen to pour the water down the drain.

Now armed with a potential weapon, you slowly edge towards the source of the noise – your room. Heart pumping, sweat tricking down your face you brace yourself for whatever or whoever was intruding in your room.

Let’s just get this over with.

You throw open the door, pausing in your tracks when you see a fully grown man crumped up on the floor. The man was clad head to toe in some sort of black tactical gear, his face obscured in blacked out glasses and his mouth fully covered in some sort of mask.

Bewildered, you slowly inch towards the figure, trying to avoid making any sudden movements to alert him. He seems to be unconscious or asleep. You aren’t sure. But you were sure of one thing: he was the cause of the loud crash you heard earlier.

Was this a supe? If so, why the ever-living fuck was he in your room?? You haven’t done anything! You pay your taxes; you go to work every day and contribute to society so why would that even be a possibility. But there’s no other answer for why he’s dressed like this other than possibly cosplay but then that raises so many other questions.

Also, you didn’t even keep up with supes like that; it wasn’t really your thing. Neither was social media, the likes of which you haven’t used in years, all for the benefit of your mental health. Quite frankly, the most you used was Pinterest!

Anyways.

So far, the man hasn’t even moved an inch since you entered the room, so he might just be unconscious, remaining crumpled up on the floor. Tearing your gaze away you turn to survey the damage caused to your room.

“This fucker, did he seriously-"

Stepping over the man you notice that he just so happened to destroy some of the Lego sets that you had just started to put together! And they had taken you hours to do!

With a deep sigh you proceed to clean up the mess of the scattered Legos. You awkwardly make your way around the room making sure that everything was in place and cleaned up, trying to make sure that you never keep your back consistently facing the man – you never know what could happen.

After a short while of cleaning up the mess you turn to face the man on the floor. Hesitantly reaching over, you try to check his pulse when abruptly your hand was grabbed in a firm gloved grip. You freeze, fear gripping your entre system before immediately trying to release your hand from the firm grip. The man jolts his head upwards, seemingly assessing the situation behind his blacked-out glasses.

The two of you stare at each other for a few moments, refusing to break eye contact when the man suddenly releases your wrist, before catapulting himself upwards.

You stare in awe, extremely confused and sightly unnerved you decide that the best course if action is to raise your hands in a surrendering pose, just to convey that you aren’t here to cause any trouble. The man, still standing, tilts his head as if to say, “Now why’d you do that?”

“L-look man, I really, really don’t know what you would want from me but please take whatever you need - just don’t…don’t hurt me.” You squeeze out.

The man continues to stare in your direction for a beat before reaching into what seemed to be his utility belt.

So, he is a supe, considering that utility belt actually has some purpose. But then who the hell is this guy?!

He pulls out a medium sized box before stepping slowly towards you, opening the box in the process. You flinch backwards, squeezing your eyes shut, pointlessly trying to protect yourself.

The man grips your wrist, slightly firm but not enough to bruise or cause any pain before slipping a cool piece of metal on your wrist. Begrudgingly, you pry open your eyes, looking down to see a silver Tiffany bracelet. Your eyes dart upwards, staring at the man who is currently rubbing at your hand tenderly.

Now you were stumped. What on gods green earth was going on??

“W-what are you doing? A-and what have you put on my wrist?” You stumble out.

The man seemed to ignore your questions, continuing to look down at your wrist whilst tenderly caressing your hand.

“Isn’t this a Tiffany bracelet? Is this some sort of gift?”

At this, the man finally looks up at you before slightly nodding twice before looking back down at your wrist.

Ok, now he seems to want to answer my questions.

“Who are you, and how did you end up in my house?”

The man pauses for a second, before reaching into his belt once again to pull out some sort of large piece of paper. Unfolding it you see a long letter which read:

‘My Beloved, I’m so glad finally get to meet!!! I’m so sorry for the delay, I was preoccupied with ... other matters – it’s not important. Anyways, I’m so glad you enjoyed my gifts that I gave you It seems you’ve finally come around to accepting me and my love! I hope you can accept my final courting gifts as we finally come together as lovers. I’m so eternally thankful that we were able to meet… its as if it was almost fat that I was able to spot you that one random day whist you were on your way to work. Although I’m not much of a talker, I can assure you that I will be the best boyfriend that I can be. Yours forever and always, Your beloved.’

You slowly look up at the man in absolute bewilderment.

“Is this some sort of sick joke?”

The man vigorously shakes his head, conveying his refusal.

“Okay…So then what are you talking about here when you mention us meeting-I’ve never seen you in my entire life. This is literally the first time I’m meeting you, so I don’t understand where that came from. Also, wouldn’t this mean that you have been stalking me? Because later in this…letter or whatever you mention that you saw me on the way to work. Presumably from there you ended up stalking me to figure out where I lived right???”

The man awkwardly rubs his neck before reaching into his belt and pulling out a notepad and pen.

‘Not much of a talker it seems.’

The man furiously scribbles on the paper before ripping it off and handing it to you. ‘I wouldn’t say it was stalking per se, more so an observation of someone that I deeply admired if I do say so myself. But yes, I did, and I don’t regret it one bit because it changed my life for the better.’

You look at the man, even more confused by his answer.

‘Didn’t he literally just confirm what I asked just in different terms?’

“Ok, look dude I don’t really know what all of this” You flailed your arms about, “Is about, and I have zero clue where this “admiration” came from but are you going to be a problem? Because I really don’t have time for any of this if I’m being honest. You want to be my boyfriend? Fine. I don’t mind but if you want to earn that right, then you have do this shit the right way. That means you are going to court – not stalk – court me correctly. I’m talking flowers to my face, dates, the whole shebang. We are going to go out for dinners, and movie nights and walks in the park, and I’m going to dress all nice and you’ll do… whatever you need to do I don’t really care. But there will be No. More. Stalking. I don’t like that shit.” You rambled.

The man clutches his hands whilst nodding frantically. He grasps your hands before dragging you through the rest of you house before sitting you at your kitchen island. Turning his back to you, he proceeds to go through every cabinet you have, gathering ingredients and prepping to cook. You’re mildly unnerved by the fact that he knows where literally everything is but at this point you don’t even have it in you to care. The guy seems a little off, but who doesn’t want a boyfriend that you had to put little to no effort into getting?

40 minutes later, a plate of [insert favourite food here] is placed in front of you. Hesitantly, you decide to take a bite when a myriad of flavors bursts into your mouth.

‘This is strangely…delicious?’

With a satisfied hum and a smile, you give the man a thumbs up.

The man then proceeded to dart from his position across the island to gather you in a hug, holding you tight and swinging you back and forth.

‘Seems like I have a boyfriend now.’ You thought to yourself.

‘Wait.’

‘I never asked this guy his name.’

[vickyvicarious]

van Helsing waking Jack by putting a hand on his head is quite sweet somehow. Maybe it's that he wakes him gently, and doesn't blame him for falling asleep even from the beginning. Of course, it's possible that when he first arrived he assumed Jack has just gone to sleep after the night was over, but still.

"That is one of the things that we learn in an asylum, *sighing* at any rate." He sounds so bitter here about his work...

I love the delivery of the "Gott in Himmel!"

"Even the lips were white, and the gums seemed to have shrunken back from the teeth, as we sometimes see in a corpse after a prolonged illness." the kind of dull horror in his voice is great.

van Helsing has "the instinct of his life and all the long years of habit" working to keep him from showing anger, huh? I wonder if this could be related to his backstory too

love the clinking of the decanter

the sigh and misery in the way he said "there is no young Arthur here now" - I feel you, van Helsing. I'm sad about it every time.

the reaching into the back noises!

once again, Jack and van Helsing are so on it. I love it, he's already rolling up his sleeves.

the little stutter on "a-already?"

van Helsing you do not know Art yet do you. Last time he shook Jack's hand. He would never be enjealoused!

I love the way Jack's voice gets so perplexed when he is talking about the mystery of Lucy's condition. You can hear him trying so hard to understand, but he's exhausted, drained of blood, and cannot see any explanation at all so he's just circling through the same thoughts again and again.

his fortifying breath before "Lucy slept well into the day", like he is dragging himself forcefully away from those thoughts.

"When her mother came up to see her, she did not seem to notice any change whatever" his voice getting sharper/snippier on the last bit, ooooh boy he does not like Mrs. Westenra at all

I for one love her voice and delivery. She sounds so kind of sweetly absent, well-meant but just lost in her own head in a way. and obliviously making everything worse even just in the context of social awkwardness

van Helsing doubling down on complete silence today is so annoying. I know it's consistent with his character and is a fault and even understand how it happens but. aaaagh

how softly he says "I was much touched by their kindness." Jack wants so badly to be cared for doesn't he.

and even now he's finding it hard to go to sleep apparently! jeez.

[lady-laureline]

I want to get to the bottom of neurodivergent burnout. I feel like there are a lot of people that have no context to take it seriously in, so they don't.

As with a lot of these posts, writing this is my way of ironing out my own understanding - take it with a grain of salt, I'm not a professional. I've tried to keep it general but as I'm speaking from a late-diagnosed audhd experience, it will lean in that direction.

Also, depending on how much you relate, this may warrant a mental health trigger warning? There's self-talk that isn't very kind.

×××

The precursor to burnout is survival mode: a state in which the body doesn't allow itself to fully enter a state of rest, as it is perceived to be "unsafe" by the nervous system. Neurodivergent symptoms aren't always a cause for stress in and of themselves, but people displaying them quickly learn that symptomatic behaviour rubs others the wrong way, even if they lack the intuition to see why.

☁️ People don't like the way I behave.

×

This is compounded by miscommunication.

Say a divergent child says something that sounds neutral to them, but rude to everyone else. They might get reprimanded for hurting someone's feelings, but they don't see how what they said was hurtful. Say this child's requests for an explanation are seen as insolence instead of curiosity.

The adults might come away thinking the child needs more discipline. The child might come away knowing they did something wrong, but unsure as to what that was or how to avoid it in the future.

☁️ I can't trust myself to say good things, even if my intentions are good. If I say a bad thing, it's my fault even if I don't know why it's bad.

×

The more these situations crop up, the more the emotional takeaway morphs into low self-esteem and constant vigilance (to catch mistakes before they happen). As the child grows older and responsibilities increase, they are also faced with a more nuanced picture of society that they're already lagging behind - demanding more nuanced masking, which is already a separate workload - on top of battling those good old sensory issues.

To those who don't know what the fuss is about: you know when you have a fever and your skin is super sensitive? If you separate the tingliness from the discomfort, and then apply that discomfort to the rest of your senses, you'll get a pretty good idea of what sensory overwhelm is like. We don't all experience this the same way (for example, I'm generally fine with food textures but really sensitive to noise) or with the same frequency, but it tends to be both unpleasant and consistent.

These additional energy drains inevitably lead to feeling the effects of hard work without anywhere near the same results of our peers. The easiest explanation, and the assumption most uninformed make, is one of personal shortcomings. Laziness. Selfishness. A "bad attitude".

☁️ No matter how hard I try, it is not enough. I haven't earned my pain. I haven't earned my rest.

×

It's a frustrating experience, and all those feelings need to go somewhere. We learn skills such as silent crying to hide our "overreactions"; we use our anxiety as a driving force for productivity. Many disabled people have the dissociative method down pat. And then there's the assertive emotions.

Displaying anger out of bounds of the neurotypical context is a whole other kettle of fish. When the nervous system is cortisol city, things will boil over eventually. Any witness is likely to be unaware of the extent of the stressors that led up to this outburst, so it can seem to happen out of the blue. Plus, if the inciting incident appears insignificant to the onlooker, they'll probably think it's all a bit childish.

Say what you will about neurospicy social skills but we have a killer radar for cringe. Raise your hand if you smush down irritation on the regular. Better yet, raise your hand if you "never get angry".

☁️ My frustration is misplaced and out of proportion. If I show it, I lose the respect of people I care about.

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Maybe we've been afraid to feel what we feel our whole lives, but there comes a point where something's got to give. We might even be making a conscious effort to get in touch with our emotions after years and years of ripping them down and sealing them away. It's a Pandora's box situation: once the seal is broken, there's no getting the horrors back inside.

That's usually the beginning of what is widely recognised as burnout. There is so much to sort through, life effectively gets put on hold, at least for those of us lucky enough not to crash and burn the moment we let go of the wheel.

Recovery isn't a matter of a little vacation time: it can take months or years, and it may not look like work but it very much is. The trauma runs deep and we have no choice but to get to the bottom of the trench if we don't want to be stuck in a permanent state of exhaustion. It can be isolating as there's not a lot of energy left for much else - overextend and your body will slap you back in line so fast your head will spin. And no, you do not get to choose what overextending yourself entails.

To anyone actually going through this, try not to keep yourself in check, at least when you're alone. Your psyche does not want to pretend anymore. Pretending has repercussions now.

×

It may come as a surprise that a lot of people don't take kindly to healing. A person in burnout recovery is (by necessity) less accessible, more self-centered, taking up more space and drawing new boundaries. Unmasking may reveal a person your friends don't understand like the contorted version of yourself they got to know. Furthermore - change, when seen as a threat, can cause people to lash out.

☁️ Healing is a punishable offense. It hurts those around me. They don't want me as I am, but they don't want me to change, either.

One of the things I've had difficulty accepting is that there are good, caring people in my life that don't deserve an explanation of what I'm going through. They might have a space in their hearts for the person they think that I am, but the capacity to truly get to know me isn't there, at least yet.

Once I'd been burned enough times, I made a decision to settle for nothing less than sincere interest as a prerequisite for any attempt to make myself understood. From there, it wasn't not far to the bittersweet realisation that the only person's permission I need to grow is my own.

×

I'm not sure how to wrap this up, which might mean future edits (there are always more edits), but the thought is complete enough to post.

I suppose there is no end to becoming one's own person, and even though the line between recovery and living can be blurry a lot of the time, existing with purpose is a decision each of us has to make.

I'm sending a telepathic hug to anyone who needs one right now. Take care of yourselves.

×××

The self-talk of some weird kid:

"People don't like the way I behave. I can't trust myself to say good things, even if my intentions are good. If I say a bad thing, it's my fault even if I don't know why it's bad. No matter how hard I try, it is not enough. I haven't earned my pain. I haven't earned my rest. My frustration is misplaced and out of proportion. If I show it, I lose the respect of people I care about. Healing is a punishable offense. It hurts those around me. They don't want me as I am, but they don't want me to change, either."

(I've included this depressing subconscious narrative because I think it's important to show how little unresolved rejections add up over time. One can put on a dazzling performance to meet social demands while believing all of that, and we desperately need community support that is informed and equipped to help them pick up the pieces once the show falls apart.)

[violynt-skies]

it’s truly no wonder saiki hardly talks

if i was hearing mall court levels of noise 24/7 i would never talk either, why would you want to a d d more noise.

the boy genuinely doesn’t get a moment of peace it’s truly shocking how well he seems to handle it

i don’t think i could last a day w nonstop noise

and with all those thoughts in ur head i feel like it’d be hard to even form ur own jeez

he can’t even plug his ears or do anything about it. and it’s so prevalent in his life that he also has a hard time adjusting to complete silence, bc yeah that would freak me the hell out and you’d be startled too

for him it’s rlly just complete noise or complete silence w the ring there’s no good way for him to easily adjust which sucks sm for him.

idk man that just sounds horrible and we hardly ever see exactly how bad his powers probably effect him yknow

[urfavslav]

repost from my old account lawl, gn reader mention. stoner reader mention. I luv toasty <33 kis kis

toast is slavic. half croatian, ¼ russian, ¼ polish

late breakfast consists of coffee & eggs + toast

can't cook :( he can make toast and a basic soup. has always wanted to cook, but never learned. once you moved in w him, he really wanted to learn and eventually did ! cooks a lotta foreign meals.

although he learns to cook he's frankly really good at baking

always wakes up past noon

coffee. he can have up to 3+ a day and loves using a moka pot

late night laundromat + diner date <3

was raised catholic, now he's an athiest

stoner, prefers edibles but will take a few hits if you roll a joint.while he's easy to get flustered, while high he has no defense. it's so easy

(stoner!reader) he will get u a pipe or bong for ur b-day if u like em

nightowl dared him to dye his hair. started liking it and it stuck. has regular appointments for touch ups + sensitive skin, he only uses nivea

made a funky rave sound effect for a random moment in his adventure game

loves nutella on toast. (traveled back home 2 europe once and got it on crepes) also thinks italian nutella tastes different then the other nutellas of the world

makes comments abt how pretty u r

kisses ur eyelids before you sleep and mumbles something aboutt 'thankful for bein able to see u another day + always asks for kisses (has never forgotten)

loves ur kisses . relishes in ur lips gracing his skin whether it's his cheek, forehead, lips, shoulder, wrist, etc.

sleeps w background noise when he sleeps. (cars, recorded eurovision or yt video essay) loves sleeping with the window open for fresh air ! also gets sleepy when u play with his hair n scratch his scalp

loves when you try to recreate his accents, he teaches u a few words <3 likes listening to you read and will read to u in his mother tongue

terms of endearment in his mother tongue <33333

drapes himself over you when his social battery is drained

if he had a dog, he'd have a poodle or golden doodle

back pain, from horrible posture and other experiences buut lemme explain: if he went in to the office and lets say someone has to show him papers. he definitely has to bend down a bit and I can say with my while heart he can forget he's standing while he's doing something and will 'adjust' his posture and its horrible. sleeps with a heating pad and keeps ibuprofen on him

the type to follow through w something, even if he has to stay a tad longer at work to finish a few papers so be it.

likes taking the train or metro, or bus. he enjoys seeing the scenery while traveling

also love visiting France and eu countries that border the mediterranean

only anime/cartoom he's watched is cowboy bebop

sends xyx toys n catnip for cat <3 also a cat person !! and tends to look over strays near his apartment complex

loves when you take care of his hair; whether it's simply undoing his braid and combing it out or washing it and following up with a deep conditioner

hates slippers but likes wearing socks inside the house

★ all works belong to @urfavslav , do not repost on anywhere else with or without credit, do not plagiarise. thank you !

[jadegreenimmortality]

Howdy! I notice you were taking bsd matchup requests and was hoping to if you could take one from me? Specifically from ADA if that’s okay! Only if you are taking, I understand if your hands maybe full!

Okay, am a petite-little lass of 4’9, Sagittarius, INFJ-T, and am Bisexual (with a preference to men). I am a shy lass upon meeting, it takes a lot out of me to speak to new people am not familiar with and can be awkward in new and unfamiliar social settings. However, I can be talkative and more immersed in a conversation with people I consider my best friends, a complete 180. Even so, I am more comfortable listening rather than speaking and show my affection and interest through action than words. Writing also comes out better than my words can too. I am soft spoken and fairly empathetic of people and animals and always try to lend my attention to those who maybe going through a lot; though, so much of it can drain me.

I find comfort in being indoors, but more than anything I love seeing natural, nature settings, especially when it comes to stargazing and the moon; they are utterly beautiful to me! I love animals, especially wolves, cats and large felines! I enjoy drawing them just as much too. I also love stuffed animals, especially the soft textured ones, my heart is completely won with them! May carry them as an accessory for comfort when out and about too if they are small enough to tie on a bag or so!

I do have high anxiety and moments of traumatic stress due to loud noises, leaving me very jumpy and spooked to most normal things. It leaves me speechless and wanting to be alone most of the time. I’d love an F/o who listens to what I can say and comforts me when I need it or face insecurities. I would love and cherish them dearly!

Thank your attention and appreciate your time if you are able to! And excuse me if it’s too much to ask to be paired with a certain tiger gifted ;;w;; Only if it is okay, unless you find a match with someone else than that is understandable and okay! Excuse me again and graci for your time! ;;w;;

A/N: Hello dear @alphaofdarkness! I got incredibly excited when I got your match-up request, you’re my first match-up! I’ve always wanted to do those since I saw the concept for the first time. Thank you so much for putting your trust in me and requesting!! (⊙ᗜ⊙) As for the character preference: yes, you may! I do prefer doing open match-ups as I find the process of choosing a character very fun, but I’ll gladly do specific match-ups as well. Requests really help me figure out how to improve my request rules, hahaha. I hope you like the song, my music taste is either full-on punk rock or really sappy, so this is what you got. (ಠ⌣ಠ) Also no mood board because I do not know (yet) how to do them, I am very sorry. Anyways, I had lots and lots of fun writing this and I hope you can enjoy it just as much.

Anthem of your love:

I match you with…

Atsushi Nakajima!

Speaking in general, Atsushi and you match because you really get each other due to your similarities. You both are very devoted and are willing to listen to the needs of your partner, to learn and grow together. You will support each other when facing fears and trauma and be each other’s greatest comfort.

Going into detail, your first meeting will be very awkward. Neither you nor Atsushi are outgoing or charismatic, so your conversation will mainly consist of superficial small talk and long, awkward periods of silence. He won’t blame you for it in any way though; from the very first moment, Atsushi will feel comfortable in your presence. He’ll catch on early to your caring and soft nature and really appreciate it – he just doesn’t know how to converse with you since you hardly get a full sentence over your lips, which in return will leave him unsure if he may have said something that made you feel uncomfortable.

Eventually, something will break the ice though. Maybe you’ll learn about his ability and express your love for felines, maybe he’ll just witness how you sacrifice your emotional well-being trying to help someone out and offer his help since he can’t stand seeing you spending yourself that much. Either way, there will be a moment where both of you can finally let go a bit of your own awkwardness and open up slowly – and the rest is history.

If you feel more at ease expressing yourself through writing, you’ll probably develop the relationship by texting at first. It will brighten Atsushi’s day to get text messages from you every now and then and he’ll be so eager to text back he may even forget shortly that he’s at a job and Kuni will yell at him. As soon as he understands he’s falling for you, his messages may get more shy for a while – don’t mind it, he’s just trying to adjust to his own feelings.

Being in a relationship with you will be whole new experience for Atsushi on so many levels. It is the first time anyone has given him exclusively so much attention and love and he won’t know how to deal with it at all. He’ll hesitate to talk about his feelings and needs at first – not because he doesn’t trust you, but because it’s just so new to him. He really appreciates that you are always willing to listen though and knows that you’re always there if something is troubling him. On the other hand, he’ll also enjoy hearing you talk more when you start loosening up. He’ll love the glow on your face whenever you talk about your favourite things and listen with the softest content smile on his lips.

Atsushi will be a very protective boyfriend, no matter if it is on physical or emotional level. He feels immense adoration for you and so much gratitude that you decided to love him the way you do. He’ll feel even more need to protect you, to prove that he’s worthy your love, than he would in a relationship with anyone else. Firstly, his need gets reinforced by the fact that you’re so tiny. He knows that height doesn’t say anything about a person’s ability to fend for themselves looking at you, Kyouka, but he just can’t help it. Secondly, your tendency to drain yourself while caring for others worries him a lot. He won’t step in because he understands how important it is for you to be there for others,  but he’ll always be around to make sure you don’t break down. He’ll send you soft texts reminding you to hydrate, to maybe take a nap, to put aside an hour for yourself each day.

Your relationship means the world to him and there are so many ways he’ll express it:

Your dates will be the sweetest things. At the first date, Atsushi will be incredibly nervous. He will try to think of everything that a good, classic date needs, will probably collect advice from Kyouka so his date plans include a lot. He won’t drag you around though. Whenever he sees you happy at some point, he’ll stay there as long as you want. In the end, you’ll probably end up strolling through a park for the longest time – a great possibility to let nature sooth you and slowly get to know each other better.

When he knows you better, he’ll be perfectly fine to do cozy dates at home. You could cook together, or cuddle up and read or watch movies. You will also end up walking through the nearby parks quite frequently and maybe, when you’re both up to it, go to amusement parks or arcades. There, he will try to win you the biggest plushie possible with adorable determination (of course, you can also try to win it yourself if you’d prefer that).

When you stay overnight, you’ll start witnessing his PTSD nightmares. He won’t talk about it for a long time, but will gladly accept the physical comfort you may offer him. Since you enjoy watching the night sky, he’ll be more than happy to sit on the window sill or even on the roof on warmer days to gaze at the stars. The combination of your calming presence, the fresh air and the mysterious, white light of the moon will do a great deal to calm him down.

Of course, your love for animals, especially felines, will be a big topic in your relationship. It doesn’t matter if you first express your love for felines before or after he reveals his ability to you, your fondness will leave him more than surprised. If you decide to ask him to show his tiger form to you, his first reaction will be an irrational fear he may hurt you if you get close to him. This will be the case even if he’s already in full control of beast beneath the moonlight by then. But even if he refuses the first time you ask, he’ll show it to you eventually. If you decide to pet him, he’s melting. No one has ever petted his tiger form before and it just feels so overwhelmingly good to be loved in his tiger form as well.

When you show him your drawings, he’ll be in awe. Since part of him considers himself utterly talent- and useless, he’ll admire your drawing talent all the more. If you let him, he’ll be more than happy to look through all of your artworks. Expect lots of soft smiles and praises. Now, if you ever ask him if you can draw him in his tiger form, Atsushi will be a bit conflicted. There’s nothing to say against it generally speaking, but it is hard for him to connect his tiger to good things, and even more to things that do not involve fighting. You are his greatest supporter when it comes to accepting himself though, so he won’t be hard to convince and even though he’ll be pretty bashful which you can’t see when he’s a tiger, he’ll adapt eventually and just be happy to make you happy.

He’ll be happy to support your love for animals in every imaginable way. He would ask you if you’d like to go to a zoo since you love animals that much. If you feel the need to stop and pet every dog and cat you cross ways with, that’s not a problem to him! He finds it really cute when your eyes light up at the sight of a furry friend. He’ll also be on a look-out for little plushie key chains or phone accessories and will give you little gifts every now and then – fearing every single time you may not like them at all. But your sincere happiness will convince him otherwise easily.

As for your anxiety and traumatic reactions, Atsushi needs no explanation.. Even if your experiences differ greatly, he can relate so much to the seemingly unexplainable panic on your face whenever a sudden loud noise spooks you, whether it be a passing truck honking or a fire alarm going off. Even if your reaction is really subtle to everyone else, he’ll immediately spot the signs the first time you get an anxiety attack in his presence. He won’t know what to do though. He only knows about his own needs when having traumatic flashbacks and doesn’t want to assume that you need the same. He’ll carefully call out your name and ask you if you’re alright. If you jump up at the sound of his voice or move away when he reaches for you his worry will spike, but he won’t push you. It’s obvious to him you want to be alone and he’ll keep his distance. He won’t leave you completely alone though as long as you don’t ask him too, his need to protect you too high to do so.

He’ll try his best to find out what you need if he sees you having this reaction more often and is very grateful if you decide to talk to him about it. He’ll oblige your every need in those situations, even if it is leaving you alone. But he’ll also be more than happy to hold you close to his chest and let you hide from the world or cry if it is a relief to you.

All in all, Atsushi will cherish and love you just as much as you cherish and love him and the two of you will be so sweet, you’ll give everyone diabetes, the end. <3

A/N: That’s it! Again, I hope you enjoyed it, thank you for reading!! I have no experience writing this, but I guess it’s kind of long? I assume you don’t mind though. |ω・)

[thevirgodoll]

Hi love, I need some advice. I dress extremely nice and beat my face consistently but close family are like you’re so pretty but could lose some weight and things along that line. I haven’t posted on social media in years and get anxiety when people take photos of me due to this. I even feel uncomfortable in a room of people worried some one may notice my chubby face or my arms that are a little bigger than other girls. I think it’s why no guy has ever liked me. I just want to love myself:(

Listen to me closely. I have absolutely no idea what you look like but I’m about to keep it real.

You’re beautiful, so let’s begin there. I won’t argue with you on this because I can tell. It’s not corny stuff or anything. Only beautiful people with beautiful souls come to my blog. Period. I make the rules.

So, I commend you for being so vulnerable and I will sit here and write.

Just because your family is related to you by blood, doesn’t mean they should always be listened to. Sometimes, things said can be emotionally painful to hear. Backhanded “compliments” such as the one you described, “you’re so pretty but you could lose weight”, are disgusting to me. I don’t care who it is. Uncalled for.

It has slowly eaten away at your self esteem and this is what I would truly like for you to consider. Immediately.

1. Continue to beat your face and dress impeccably like you’ve been doing.

People see you looking good and automatically comment negative, backhanded things. It is going to happen due to jealousy, projected insecurities or projected fears. Do NOT let this stop you from looking as good as you’ve been looking. I’ve gotten hater comments before because I dress well and do my makeup tastefully, and I promise you I kept going — because it made ME feel good which brings me to point 2.

2. It doesn’t matter what THEY think — what do YOU think?

You are the one who has to sit with you at the end of the day. Anxiety can be so draining, and I used to struggle with it badly when I was younger. I had to slowly realize that people were NOT thinking the thoughts that I was thinking. We are always more critical of ourselves than anyone else can be. Let’s keep this in mind, angel.

Tune out anything that is noise. This may include filtering comments that eat at your self esteem. Next time someone comments on your weight, you say, “Well I’m happy with myself, so you should be happy for me.” Period.

3. Speak to yourself differently.

What do you tell yourself? And what have you been telling yourself? How you may feel on one day — insecure — is an emotion. Your emotion about yourself is not a fact. It’s an error in cognition that has continued over time. Things are not as black or white as anxiety makes it, I promise. “I look good OR I look completely ugly and fat” is black or white thinking. This is not healthy, and it needs to stop.

You must speak to yourself more gently. Just based on what you’ve said, a negative body image has been ingrained in you. You have to begin to appreciate your looks all over again.

Your thoughts make it hard for you to be true to yourself. Your mind has to be a good place to be, because you’re there everyday.

I need you to begin to work on nurturing the parts of you that your intrusive thoughts might’ve wrecked. This is not an easy process, or a quick solution. I always, always say on my blog confidence post that if you affirm it, you’ll believe it:

•My curves make me remarkably beautiful and unique.

•I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

•No one looks like me, because I am a one of a kind beauty.

Write post it’s to put on your mirror. Make a list of the things you love about yourself. I’m serious. It sounds cliche but these are things we have abandoned as we have gotten older.

The simple things we would’ve thought of as children, we abandon. Speak to yourself with the love of a child. Foster that inner child connection, because she needs you.

4. Work on comparing yourself less.

This is not easy, but comparison doesn’t take positive root in your life. It never will. you said that you’re bigger than other girls as if it’s a negative. I need you to translate it to positives. You can appreciate that you have a different body shape than other women. That is okay. You said you dress well, so continue to show it off.

This may mean consuming media that speaks more to you. When it’s time to work on myself, I get off social media that isn’t like Tumblr or Pinterest or motivating Youtube videos. I do not rest until I’ve reached a different goal each day. I put on the Forest app from the App store and block all my apps and focus on journaling or whatever I need to do to improve myself day to day.

It just sounds like you need to spend more time with yourself, and reconnect with loving yourself all over again. Rediscover the things you love about yourself. This is a process, but you know yourself best and what you love to do. Get back into maybe some hobbies that make you feel even more confident and go from there — and if you don’t have any find new ones.

Also, do not worry about guys. That will come later.

People will always be there to love you and admire you. Love isn’t going anywhere. But you have to do these things first so they can understand how you’re to be treated. If you’re retreating into yourself, and hating yourself, it’s going to be harder.

You deserve to be happy. It starts now. Now let’s stop defeatist talks and let’s flourish. I hope this gives you a bit of a boost and if it’s not enough I have posts on confidence and sexual confidence. 💕

[zigtheeortega]

day 24: loss | liam x mc (au)

title: disruption

pairing: liam x mc

@choicesfebruarychallenge | @bi-cookie ; @cxld-play

warnings: angst, smut, n*sfw, (18+)

word count: 5,764

song inspiration: if i ever feel better - phoenix

author’s note: first off, i’m not good at naming characters like at all, so elliott is just a placeholder bc i knew mc would look weird. second, i haven’t written an au choices fic yet, so i’m a lil nervous to post this! I’ve also never written liam before, much less smut for him, so i’m also nervous bc of that! this will probably be my only trr fic bc there are sooo many trr fics out there. lmao anyways, hope you enjoy this angsty smutty sad fic !

“We’re almost there, Elliott,” Bastien called to the backseat, startling her out of her sleep.

She rubbed her eyes and stretched, slipping her coat she’d been using as a blanket over her shoulders, zipping it up to her chin.

Lythikos had an intense frigidity to it, one that Elliott couldn’t forget. She only visited monthly for short periods of time, but the stinging sensation of the snow on her bare face never left her memory.

She checked her phone, her heart fluttering at the pseudonym that appeared on her phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey. I’m finishing up my last obligation, but I shouldn’t be longer than an hour.” His voice warmed her heart. It was the first time in weeks she’d heard it over the phone, not on television in a rehearsed speech. 

“Okay. I brought some of my work with me if that’s alright with you. I’d love your feedback,” Elliott smiled to herself, treasuring her lover’s genuine interest in her new profession.

“Of course,” she could hear him beam through the phone. “I love you.”

“I love you too. See you soon.”

He hung up, and she sighed. Sneaking around was getting so tiresome, but she’d do anything and everything for Liam.

After Elliott and her friends couldn’t locate Tariq, the wedding went on as scheduled. It took her months of hiding out in Cordonia with her best friends to get herself together. Hana stayed by her side consistently, consoling her until she figured out a game plan.

She thought she’d be able to find a solution and live out her fairytale, but she was too late. She’d never be able to fully have Liam like she wanted, but Madeleine offered her a compromise to keep everyone happy.

She’d brought it up to Elliott before everything went to shit, and Elliott rejected it. She saw being a ‘mistress’ as an insult, because she knew she could find a way out of the mess she was in.

Months later, Madeleine, Liam, and Elliott ran a tight ship with friends to keep the affair under wraps.

Elliott could only meet with Liam once a month, under the guise that he had important monthly meetings to attend at Olivia’s home. They could only meet for a weekend at best, and a few hours at worst.

They rarely contacted each other between their meetings. It was depressing, but necessary to keep them a secret. Liam had a burner phone, and Elliott had to save his number under an undetectable moniker. When they spoke, it was short and sweet, and they couldn’t use each other’s real names.

She flew to Cordonia monthly, usually having to go to great lengths to disguise herself from the paparazzi.

It was emotionally draining and everything leading up to the rendezvous was stressful and tense, but all worth it when she saw Liam’s face light up when he first saw her.

Bastien pulled into the driveway behind the castle, easing up next to a side entrance that Elliott was all too familiar with – she knew Olivia would be waiting behind the large door.

She fixed her wig, pulling her beanie over the top of it, and hid her purple-rimmed eyes behind huge square sunglasses.

“Olivia informed me that you can go to the door. I’ll bring your bags in later. There aren’t any paparazzi in sight, so you’ll be safe,” he smiled at her through the rearview mirror, a sympathetic look in his eyes.

“Thank you so much, Bastien. I could never repay you for what you’re doing for Liam and I,” she replied gratefully, apology laced through the tone in her voice.

“Anything you need, I’m here. Don’t feel guilty. The only time he’s happy is when he sees you, and I’d never get in the way of that.”

Her heart swelled at the thought. She waved to him, stepping out into the blizzard.

The door cracked open, and Elliott spotted the fiery hair before her expression.

“Come in, come in,” Olivia frowned at her messy disguise. “That wig’s a mess, Elliott. If you’re gonna opt for a cheap, frizzy wig, at least hide a pocket knife in it.”

Elliott shrugged, grinning at Olivia’s annoyance. “Why should I do that when I have my best friend here to protect me?”

Olivia scowled, a hint of a smile on her lips. “You’re lucky I’m your ally.” She turned on her heel and stalked down the hallway, leaving Elliott scurrying to catch up.

Elliott had gotten pretty familiar with the underground tunnels of Lythikos over the past year. Olivia secretly renovated an unused area to make an apartment-like cluster of rooms, so that Elliott could stay safely in the tunnels with everything she needed, and she wouldn’t be bothered by anyone.

It was an ingenious idea, and Elliott had no idea how to pay her back for her generosity. Honestly, Olivia probably did it to avoid controversy, like most every noble was doing. Elliott wasn’t sure if Olivia was doing it for the sake of Cordonia’s image or the sake of her friends’ sanity.

Olivia pulled out a skeleton key and unlocked the door, turning on the lights. “I added a more comfortable bed, some more decorations, and got Bastien to fully stock the fridge, so you can cook pretty much anything you want.”

She walked over to the living room area and pointed at the T.V. “I didn’t have to get a 60 inch flatscreen for you, but I know how much you love binging horror movies that I had to help scare you somehow.” She smirked, and pulled out a few drawers from the T.V. stand. “I ordered a hundred or so movies in case you get bored. I have no idea how long you’re gonna be here.”

Elliott shifted her weight, sighing. It was too painful to stay longer than a couple of days. “I was gonna leave on Sunday like I usually do –”

“How asinine. You’re taking a 9 hour flight on a Thursday night to get here by morning, and you take another 9 hour flight back on Sunday morning? You’re wearing yourself thin for no reason, Elliott,” she shook her head at Elliott, confusion lining her expression.

“Liam usually can’t spend more than 2 days at a time with me.”

“You have other friends in Cordonia, you know that right?” She narrowed her eyes at her, crossing her arms.

“After all that happened, I can’t show my face here. My reputation is tarnished, and even being seen here is a scandal waiting to happen. It gets riskier and riskier every time. I can’t risk any of my friend’s well-being for the sake of my secret relationship,” Elliott plopped onto the couch, defeated.

Remorse flashed through Olivia’s eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it came. “None of this is your fault, Elliott. We know the truth.”

Elliott shook her head, a lump forming at the back of her throat. It didn’t matter that Justin and Adelaide were ousted as terrorists, and that Elliott’s friends were able to stop them from assassinating Liam and Madeleine. 

Tariq was never found, and King Constantine was killed before he could clear her name. No one would believe Bastien, and Penelope was too afraid to publicly admit her wrongdoing, so Elliott didn’t have enough evidence to be exonerated.

“Sometimes… I wish everything were different. Maybe if we’d split up and searched on our own… or if I tried a little harder…” She struggled, her throat burning, a sign of tears to come. She didn’t want to talk about this situation any more than she had to, which was every time she visited.

Her new life was pretty much an escape from the events of the past year, but she was forced to face her past trauma head on every time she stepped foot on Cordonian soil.

“Elliott…” Olivia trailed off, and reached towards her, but dropped her hand. “I’m sorry I brought it up. I guess I’m still seething over the whole ordeal. I’m pretty defensive since I know we’re right but no one else knows that.” She sat down, leaning back onto the couch, crossing her legs. “You shouldn’t feel like you’re risking our social standing or anything. All of us know exactly what we’re risking to help you and Liam, and we’re okay with it. You’re our…” She whispered the last word and Elliott couldn’t quite hear her.

“I’m your what?”

“...friend.” 

Elliott threw her arms around Olivia, relishing in the rare vulnerable moment. Olivia seldom showed her true feelings, but when she did, it was like watching a shooting star. It was beautiful, fleeting – a great memory nonetheless.

“Get off of me, you sap,” Olivia patted Elliott’s back with the tip of her fingers.

“Thank you for everything you’re doing. I seriously can’t thank you enough. If there’s ever anything I can do to repay you all, please tell me. I owe you a lifetime of favors.”

“Well, first, you can actually spend time with Hana, Drake, and Maxwell. They won’t shut up about you.” Olivia rolled her eyes.

“Deal. I never got to see Cordonia on my own time, so maybe you could give me a proper tour of Lythikos next time I’m here. You know, when I’m not banished to the cellar.” Elliott grinned.

Olivia laughed once, a delightful noise. “Sure, but you’ll need better snow gear. And take a self-defense class or two before you do so.”

Elliott quirked a brow at her friend, then shook her head. “I won’t even pretend to know what you have planned for me.”

Olivia stood up, and headed for the door. “You have no idea.” She opened it, and before leaving, she said, “Liam should be here soon. Let me know when he’s in the room so Bastien and I can keep watch.”

“Be careful, Liv.”

“Don’t call me that,” Olivia smirked, and closed the door.

----

Elliott spent the next hour working in her notebook, editing and rewriting paragraph after paragraph. An animated movie she’d seen a million times played in the background, prompting Elliott to hum along to her favorite song.

After another hour, she started to worry. She aimlessly flipped through the collection of DVD’s, not really paying attention to the titles.

Where’s Liam? She thought, an uneasy feeling forming in the pit of her stomach.

After hour three, she read a little from a book she’d brought until her eyes started getting heavy.

She awoke to a sequence of 5 sharp raps on the door, followed by a pause, then 3 more.

Our secret knock, She thought. She shot up from the couch and ran to the door, happy tears already welling up on her bottom lids.

She fumbled with the lock, anticipation causing her to shakily rip open the door.

And there Liam stood, holding a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of champagne, and a neatly wrapped present. His perfectly tailored suit laid perfectly on his arms and torso, his muscles just barely concealed. He beamed, his eyes glistening as his eyes grazed over her face.

She grabbed him by the lapels, pulling him inside hastily. “Whoa,” he said, nearly losing balance.

Elliott blushed, wrapping her arms around his neck and bringing his face close to hers. She pressed her lips softly on his, a picture perfect moment she snapshotted and tucked away in her favorite memories.

All of the anxiety she felt traveling in disguise melted away the moment she touched Liam.

“I missed you,” he murmured against her lips.

“I missed you more,” she breathed, snuggling into his neck.

After a sweet moment, she pulled back, and snatched the champagne from his hands. “What’re we celebrating, love?”

He grinned, and locked the door behind him. “It’s a momentous day, Elliott. It’s been a year to the day since we first met.”

Elliott looked at him lovingly, hugging the bottle to her chest. “A whole year?”

He nodded, setting the flowers and present on the table, and gathered Elliott in his arms, hugging her to his chest tightly. “A whole year. I know this situation isn’t ideal, but I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, Elliott.”

He used a finger to tilt her chin to him, and he pressed a soft kiss on her bottom lip. “You’re everything to me.”

“I love you so much, Liam.” She giggled, shaking her head. “From waitress to mistress. Same suffix, different job title.”

His smile wavered, and he exhaled a long breath, obviously uncomfortable with the joke she’d told. “I wish you’d stop putting yourself down like that. Marriage is just a title. Madeleine and I are just business partners. You’re my soulmate, Elliott.”

She pulled back, fiddling with the top of the champagne. “I know. I just wish we didn’t have to be so secretive.”

He gently took the bottle from my hands and popped it open. “I’ve still got local historians and lawyers on my payroll, and they’ve been extensively researching Cordonian laws. I don’t know if they’ll find anything, but I’m determined to keep looking. I don’t want to lose hope.”

Elliott pressed her mouth into a line, then quirked it to the side, processing everything he’d said. “I want to be hopeful that we’ll get out of this eventually, but I’d rather just enjoy the time I have with you, baby. Stress free.”

He poured them two glasses of champagne, and handed one to her. “Of course. My apologies.”

They sat at the kitchen table, and Elliott picked up the flowers, taking a deep whiff of the bouquet. “You really outdid yourself this time, Liam.” 

The cluster of sunflowers, lavender, and white roses contrasted beautifully, and smelled even better. “They reminded me of you, so I had to pick them up.”

“Along with a gift?” She lifted a brow, challenging him.

He sipped his champagne, trying to hide a smile. “I think you’ll like it. Open it.”

She ripped off the wrapping paper to reveal a plain white box. She lifted the top off, revealing an assortment of toys on top of a lacy lingerie piece. Her cheeks heated, and she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

“I love it,” Elliott said, nibbling at the skin on her lip.

Liam eyed her lips, a playful look in his eye. “I thought we could try something new this weekend.”

The blush on her cheeks stayed, despite her eagerness to get in bed. “I like the sound of that.”

She gulped down the rest of her champagne and snatched the lacy piece, running to the bedroom.

“Hey!” Liam called, about to stand from the table.

“I’m trying on the lingerie! Stay where you are! It’s a surprise!” She yelled through the closed door.

Elliott emerged after a few minutes, peeking her head out of the door. “You ready?”

“Beyond ready, my love.”

She stepped out, and Liam’s breath hitched in his throat. She could plainly see him shift his legs, desperately trying to conceal his bulge.

“You look… stunning. Absolutely gorgeous, Elliott,” he said, his mouth agape, eyes hungrily roaming across her body.

The strappy lace piece fit like a bikini. The bottom was closer to a g-string than a thong, and the crotch was cut out, making it for easier access. The lace was sheer, barely covering her nipples and folds. She should’ve felt sexy, but was more out of place than anything.

“This is so corny, Liam. You bought me something that you’re just going to strip off of me, and I look absolutely ridiculous in it,” She said, crossing her legs to cover the lack of cloth around her opening.

He stood from his chair and crossed the room to touch her. He laced his fingers through her hair and draped his other hand across the small of her back. He tilted her head back, kissing her neck and nipping gently at her exposed skin.

“You’re right. I want to rip this off of you, but I can’t even begin to describe to you how arousing this outfit is. You never have to wear something that you’re not comfortable in, but I assure you it’s a pleasurable experience on my end,” he breathed into her ear, tightening his grip around her waist.

“Oh fuck,” She whispered, his bulge rubbing against her, causing her to gasp in repsonse. “Please, let’s talk later, and fuck now. I need you now, Liam.”

“Say no more, beautiful.” He swept her up and brought her to the bedroom, slamming the door behind them with his foot.

He dropped her onto the bed, and shimmied off his coat jacket, hanging it on the back of the wall.

“You’re so adorable, Liam. In the midst of a heated moment, you still have the mind to hang your coat up carefully so that it doesn’t crease before fucking my brains out,” she giggled.

Liam scrunched his nose up in confusion. “I can be reckless.” He threw his coat on the ground, but after a few seconds of eye contact with Elliott, where she could tell how absolutely tormented he was, he snatched it by the lapels.

Elliott howled with laughter as Liam hung it up carefully, brushing off the dirt.

“You always manage to be right, Elliott,” he softly smiled, unbuttoning his top buttons slowly. “But I don’t mind.” His arms flexed as he rolled his sleeves up. “As long as you don’t mind that I’m a little reckless in private, that’s all that matters.”

Her heart raced as he left the room and returned with the box of toys. Although she’d committed Liam’s body and their sexual encounters to memory, she still found herself enthralled with him like it was the first time they met.

He sat on the bed next to Elliott’s lace-clad body, and tucked a hair behind her ear. “Are you okay with me trying some of the toys out on you? I want to make sure you’re completely comfortable with it before trying anything.”

She smiled, nodding. “Yes.”

He pulled a small handheld vibrator out of the box, just small enough to fit on a finger. “First things first, I want to taste you.”

Her lower stomach clenched and ached as he grabbed her thighs and pulled her to the edge of the bed, parting her legs. Before she could throw out a sexy quip, he had taken advantage of the crotchless design by plunging his tongue into her folds, stroking relentlessly.

She moaned and dug her hands into his hair, tugging at his dark strands. He in turn rumbled against her clit, sending shockwaves through her body.

“Liam, please,” she breathed, feeling his hand on her stomach, holding her bucking hips in place.

He knew exactly what she wanted; he always read her cues perfectly. He slid a finger into her, curling it the way Elliott loved. He moved his hand and tongue in unison, the similar paces bringing her close to the edge.

Just as she was about to release, he pulled away, slipping the vibrator on his fingers. “Is it alright if I try this out on you now?”

She nodded, her body eager for his touch. He massaged her clit slowly with his fingers, keeping in time with the laggard pace of his other fingers pumping in and out of her.

The strong vibration mixed with the pressure of his fingers sent Elliot into another world. Her eyes rolled back, and she focused on the image of Liam’s naked physique, his head between her legs… 

Before she knew it, her legs were shaking. Liam kissed her softly, and reached into the box again, but she placed a hand on his wrist lightly. “We have all weekend to play with them. I need you in me now.”

His pupils dilated even further, and he nodded, standing up to slip off his clothes. Although she’d seen him bare numerous times, it never failed to amaze her that the man whose heart belonged to her was so breathtaking. His body looked as it was crafted by the gods themselves, chiseled to perfection, undoubtedly due to his strict fitness and diet regimen.

He grabbed a condom from the box of toys, but before he could tear it open, she stopped him. “Could we… go without one this time? I’m on birth control.”

She wanted so desperately to tell him the whole truth, but she decided she’d wait until the time was right. It would sound like an irrational decision to him, but she had thought it out nearly every day since she left Cordonia for the first time.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, but… I’ll pull out. Just in case.” He looked unsure, but lowered himself onto the bed next to her anyways.

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I just thought,” she shook her head. “Nevermind.”

“No, please continue. Don’t ever feel like you can’t be honest with me, Elliott.” He touched her cheek softly.

“The only time we had sex without protection was our first time in the garden, remember?” She smiled softly, reminiscing.

“Of course I remember, my love. It’s one of my favorite times that we’ve been together.”

“Oh, so you’re ranking them now?” She smirked.

“Definitely not. Every time is special, but that one was even more special to me.”

“I was thinking we could kind of recreate the night.”

His eyes twinkled, full of love for the woman he could never fully give himself to. It was depressing, but Elliott pushed those thoughts behind her horniness and flipped on top of him.

“I love when you take charge, El,” he said, his voice verging on a growl.

“You’ve never used that nickname. What gives?” She tried joking, but his bare shaft pressed between her legs was distracting to say the least.

“I don’t know, I thought it was cute,” he shrugged. “I won’t call you that if you don’t like it.”

“No, I love it,” she breathed, and began grinding her hips against his. His grip on her hips tightened, and she leaned forward, kissing him deeply.

He grabbed his dick and rubbed his tip against her opening, teasing her. “You’re a tease.”

He pressed his hips upwards, entering her. Her body shuddered with pleasure as her walls adjusted to his size.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” he groaned, as her hips moved lazily against his.

“It’s so weird hearing you curse, King Liam,” she whispered in his ear, kissing his neck.

His fingers dug into the flesh of her hips. “I’ve never been aroused by a title before, but I have to say that ‘King Liam’ sounds delectable coming from your lips.”

He moved his hands to grip underneath her ass, lifting and lowering her the length of his shaft. She mewled in response, her legs tightening their grip around his middle. “I’ll call you whatever you want as long as you speed it up,” she purred.

He picked up the pace, deepening his thrusts. All of her worries of the future were a fading blip, her sole focus on pleasuring and being pleasured by Liam.

Before she knew it, he’d flipped her, raised her hips, and pounded into her from behind. “Oh,” she cried, her guttural moan muffled by the thick down pillow.

He sped up, his skin smacking against hers relentlessly, the sounds of ecstasy filling the room. She turned back to gaze at him through half lidded eyes, and was met with Liam’s sultry concentrating face. She’d seen it many times before, when discussing security issues with Bastien, but never in this context. 

She felt herself getting wetter and wetter at the sight of him getting off inside of her. She was the one pleasuring him behind the scenes. She was the one exploring parts of him the public would never see, much less Madeleine. She got to see a side of Liam that not a single soul would ever experience. It gave Elliott a new sense of security, despite the harrowing situation they were in.

He reached into the box again and grabbed a handheld vibrator she hadn’t seen before. “I’m close, my love, and I want to make sure you’re there with me,” he panted, before switching it on.

He tried handing it to her, but instead, she guided his hand between her legs. “Oh fuck, El,” he cursed, sweat trickling down his clean shaven chest.

He leaned over her, keeping his fast pace, and placed the quivering toy between her folds. She arched her back in response, pushing herself further into the pillow.

The sensation of the vibrator mixed with getting fucked brought her to the edge quickly, and she released, her body convulsing beneath Liam’s. She shrieked his name, clutching the sheets. “Oh, Liam, fuck.”

He quickly followed her, his pace becoming more jerky as he came with her. “Fuck, I love you, Elliott,” he shouted. The deep commanding bass of his voice reverberated off the stone walls.

When they could finally move, Liam plopped next to her, spooning her while peppering soft kisses across her neck and shoulders.

She couldn’t have imagined herself anywhere else in that moment but Liam’s arms.

----

After they cleaned up, Elliott threw on a robe and flopped onto the couch, turning on the TV to browse through channels.

He sat next to her shortly after, clad with sweats and a plain t-shirt. “This might be a terrible time, but we need to discuss something rather difficult.”

“That phrasing definitely scares me, but go ahead,” she joked, turning the TV off.

“We’re being pressured to pursue producing an heir,” Liam shook his head, pain and regret dripping off of his every syllable.

“Wh… What?” She forced out. Her knees wobbled, the air knocked out of her lungs. She knew it was coming, but not this soon after the wedding.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his hands balled into fists at his side.

“Why? You just got married! I thought we’d have a couple years at least!” she said, her voice hiking up an octave.

“With Constantine passing away and the terrorist attacks, there’s still some uneasiness within the people and nobles. They’re not sure that we’re still stable as a country. It’s more for the benefit of our image than anything. Trust me, I’ve held off as long as I could.” He couldn’t meet her eyes.

“Are you going to have to fuck her?” Elliott’s voice quivered, her breath unsteady. She didn’t know if she was ready for the answer.

His eyes widened. “No, Elliott, I would never. We don’t have feelings for each other like that. The public doesn’t need to know that we’re not having intercourse.”

Elliott’s chest loosened a bit, but she was still cautious as she waited for him to continue. “We’re either opting for adoption, or artificial insemination. There’s not a fertility issue with either of us, but we’re both not capable of sex with each other. It just can’t happen.” He held her gaze, pleading with her to understand.

“I–I can’t continue this if you’re going to have a child with her, Liam. I’d be a homewrecker. I can’t let you be that kind of dad to your kid,” Elliott shook her head, tears freely falling.

His jaw dropped, and he staggered back. “Elliott, my love, I–”

“I know you love me, and I know that I love you. I know that life is going to be so fucking hard without each other, but I can’t do this to your future kid,” she sobbed, sinking into the couch. “You and Madeleine may have consented to our relationship, but your child didn’t sign up for this. Imagine if they found out about us? He’d think so little of you. I can’t have that.”

Her shoulders shook, her breath heaving in and out of her lungs shakily. She was experiencing a loss like she’d never felt before. She could stay with the love of her life in order to satiate her desire to be with him, but at the expense of horrendous guilt, knowing she could possibly break a family up and warp Liam’s future child’s perception of him.

If they stayed together, and the public found out about them, he’d be painted as the bad guy, even though Madeleine encouraged the affair. She’d throw him to the wolves, and he’d be absolutely obliterated by the press.

There wasn’t a winning solution to this problem. They were going to have to do what was best for everyone else, instead of what they truly wanted.

“I’m so sorry, Liam, but I can’t do this. I love you, but I can’t do this anymore,” she repeated and the excruciating pain in her chest continued.

“Elliott, we can figure it out, I know we can–”

“We can’t, Liam! This is it! This is the last time you’re going to see me!” She shouted, her voice trembling and unstable.

“We can still be friends,” he said softly, kneeling next to her trembling form on the couch. “I still want you in my life no matter what, Elliott.”

Anger flashed through her disjointed train of thought. Before she could gather them together, she unleashed her momentary rage on him.

“You’re really that selfish, Liam? You’re that fucking selfish that you could want to maintain the picture perfect life and get everything you could ever want, while keeping me on a short leash? To be there for you emotionally, physically, sexually, but I get nothing in return?” She stood up, pushing an accusatory finger into his exposed chest.

“I have to work under a pen name because of everything that happened. You can’t even Google my government name without reading about how much of a whore I am. I risked my whole life and career to be with you, and you didn’t have the decency to publicly defend me. You just sided with everyone else except for the woman you supposedly ‘love’,” Elliott continued, pushing a tormented Liam closer and closer to the door.

“I have to fly back home when you’re done with me and leave all of my closest friends. This is my real home. I have people who love me and care for me here. I fell in love with Cordonia, its people, and you. But I’m pretty much a prisoner in a dungeon every time I come over,” she rolled her eyes, refusing to shut her mouth and let Liam speak. “All for sex. All for a quick fuck and less than 48 hours of your time before I’m shuttled off back to the cold, heartless city of New York.”

Liam opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Elliott suddenly cackled, cutting off any attempt of him speaking.

“I forgot to tell you that I landed a book deal with a huge publishing company in the city. They want a few novels out of me. They loved my first rough draft of my book so much that they offered me a multi-book deal,” she smiled, shaking her head.

“That’s incredible, baby–”

“I was excited to tell you and instead all I can think about is how by the time I get my first book printed and released, you’ll have a kid. A family,” Elliott walked away from Liam, and sat at the kitchen table, taking a long swig from the champagne bottle.

After a long moment of silence between them, Liam finally spoke. “I know it seems like the universe is fighting us tooth and nail. I know that this situation is the worst we could be in. But Elliott,” he sat down across from her and lifted her chin up with his finger, “You’re the only woman I’ll ever love, and I won’t give up on this unless you tell me to leave you alone.”

“You know I don’t want to tell you to leave me alone. That’s the last fucking thing I want to do, but that’s how it has to be. You’re being selfish right now, Liam. You’re allowed to be selfish sometimes. This whole situation was selfish, but I guess it was okay since Madeleine okay-ed it,” she took another deep drink from the bottle. “But your child is completely innocent. They don’t deserve to be caught up in your selfish decisions.”

He flinched, and his form deflated. “I think… you might be right, El.” He leaned back in his chair, his eyes glistening. “I guess it was absurd to think this affair would last forever.”

She smiled sadly. “It was fun while it lasted.”

“I’ll always love you, El. I’ve always been truthful about that. You’re the only woman I’ll ever love.”

She leaned forward to cup his face in her palm. “I’ll never love anyone the way I love you, Liam.” She took another gulp of the alcohol. “I guess now that you’re confessing, I’ll have to confess, too.”

His brows furrowed as he waited for her to continue.

“I have an appointment with my OBGYN next week. I’ve always wanted one, but I’ve been seriously contemplating a hysterectomy for months now. Since you married Madeleine, really.”

“What? Why?” His eyes widened in surprise.

“I can’t see myself with children, but I can with you. You’re the only man I could ever picture having children with,” her eyes filled with tears. “It’s not a punishment to myself. I just know in my heart I’ll never want children again.”

His eyes brimmed with tears threatening to spill. “I’m so sorry, Elliott.”

Her chin wobbled as the truth of the situation finally set in. She was no longer his, and he was no longer hers. The crown disrupted the fate of the lovers, and there was no amendment.

----

[badchoicesposts]

Don’t Dream It’s Over Chapter 6

Series Summary: Liam and Ali thought that their relationship was perfect, but their whole world came crashing down when Constantine called him back to Cordonia. Four years later they meet again at Liam’s bachelor party, determined to make things between them work even if it isn’t always easy.

In this AU, Liam and MC (Ali Moonessar) dated for a year in New York while Leo was still crown prince. They broke up when Constantine asked Liam to come back to Cordonia, but they meet again at Liam’s bachelor party before the social season. The story will contain flashbacks, which will be italicized, of their relationship and follow them as they try to navigate the season with Ali as a suitor. I’ve messed around with the timeline a bit so that it fits the story better. I’ve also added in a few OCs of my own.

Pairing: Liam x MC (Ali Moonessar)

Word Count: 3,665

Song Inspiration: Old Money- Lana Del Rey

DISCLAIMER: Some of Bertrand’s dialogue is taken from TRR Book 1 Chapter 4. I’ve also changed up the timeline of the social season a bit to fit my story better. I based it off of some research I did on the British Social Season. 

Taglist:@flowerpowell, @kingliam2019, @ao719, @emceesynonymroll, @hopefulmoonobject, @dcbbw, @qammh-blog, @liamxs-world, @drakesensworld, @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction, @timmagickfrog, @lauradowning29

A/N: This is my first time ever posting a fic. Please let me know if you enjoyed it and would like to read more. I thrive on validation, lol. Thanks for reading!

Catch Up: Masterlist

Ali and Liam were two very different people. There was no doubt about it. They were crazy about each other regardless, but at first glance anyone would believe that they had absolutely nothing in common. 

Liam rivaled Luca for the title of the most well-rounded person she had ever met. He was tall, well dressed, and well respected by everyone he met. His blond hair was always annoyingly perfect, even when it had been slept on for the full seven hours of sleep he got every night, and he was good at everything he tried to do. He worked out five days a week and had a natural charm that drew people towards him wherever he went. Liam slept on silk sheets, drank expensive liquor and, worst of all, was a morning person. He was always up early, eager to start his day and be productive. He was typically easy going, but he could take action and control a situation effortlessly when he needed to. 

Ali, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. She barely reached five feet tall in the right pair of heels and spent most of her time in sweatpants or leggings because of the insecurities she had about her body. Her workout routine consisted mainly of walking everywhere she needed to go, and she had terrible social anxiety. She had no constant sleep schedule, and at this point, she was practically nocturnal, only being able to get in small amounts of sleep during the day due to her insomnia. She had found her current bed sheets from the discount bin of a department store, and the most she ever spent on alcohol was twenty dollars for a bottle of tequila. She had perfect grades, but she was still constantly stressed about them. 

Liam was put together, and on most days she was a hot mess. When she says the words “trust me, I know what I’m doing” there’s about a seventy-five percent chance that she has no idea what she’s doing. However, when he said the same words, she never once doubted him. That is until he decided he could repair the clogged drain in his kitchen sink on his own. Her suspicions were confirmed as she watched the Prince of Cordonia, his nice dress shirt soaked in water, fiddle with a pipe, determined to be “normal”.

“Love, maybe you should just call someone,” she said, raising her voice slightly so he could hear her from where the upper half of his body was lying under the sink. 

“I can do this,” he called back, irritation evident in his voice. 

“Sure you can,” she mumbled under her breath, taking a seat on a stool in the kitchen. “Have ever even looked at a pipe like that before?”

The banging noises she heard from under the sink was her only response, and she rolled her eyes as she texted Drake to tell him to contact the building’s superintendent. A few minutes passed by in silence before there was a sudden popping sound and Liam’s angry voice filled the room. Ali looked up to see him emerging from under the sink soaking wet, while more water pooled onto the kitchen floor. She wanted to be mad that he had made the situation worse and not given up when he realized that he didn’t know what he was doing, but the sight of him before her made her burst out laughing. 

“It’s not funny,” he said, sending a glare in her direction. 

“Yes, it is,” she replied when she had finally managed to calm herself down. 

He narrowed his bright blue eyes at her, trying his best to stay mad, but he knew that it was a losing battle. He knew that he looked ridiculous. 

“I guess we can cross chef and plumber off of your list of potential jobs,” she said, starting to giggle again as she remembered their first date where he tried to cook for her. 

“Now stop the water and clean up that mess. The super will be here in the morning.” 

Liam watched as his girlfriend ran out of the room before he could get another word in. 

~~~

Ali frantically walked back and forth between her bed and her closet, Lana Del Rey’s Old Money playing softly in the background. It was 12:57 AM and Liam’s plane would be leaving in less than ten hours. She had been packing and unpacking her suitcase for the past two hours. Every time she made up her mind to go, something told her to stay, and every time she made up her mind to stay, something told her to go. She looked down at the text on her phone from Maxwell giving her the flight information and started piling things into her suitcase again. She was just about to close it and try to get a few hours of sleep before the flight when she looked over at her nightstand and saw the framed picture of her and all of the Larson siblings that she always kept there. They all had their arms wrapped around each other and were smiling happily into the camera. 

“Nope, not going,” she mumbled to herself, hastily pulling things out of the bag and dropping them on the floor. 

The sound of a throat clearing behind her caused her to stop what she was doing and turn around. 

“Oh, hey, Luc. I didn’t know that you were still up,” she said. 

“Yeah, I was just about to turn in for the night when I saw your light on. I assume by this mess that you haven’t made a decision yet.”

“I’m not going,” she tried to say firmly. 

Luca sighed and made his way further into her room. 

“You should go,” he said softly.

“I should?” Ali asked, sitting down on the bed.

“If a part of you didn’t want to then you wouldn’t be having such a hard time making the decision. If it all works out you could have everything you’ve ever wanted. You owe it to yourself to go.”

Ali groaned and dropped to her back, her legs still dangling off the side of the bed. 

“What if we’re too different? It’s been forever since we were together. What if it doesn’t work out? What about everything here?” she asked, staring up at the ceiling. 

Luca walked over to her and grabbed both of her hands in his before pulling her back up into a sitting position. 

“You worked so well together because you were different. You balanced each other out. You made each other happy. Besides, if things still don’t work out, you’ll always have a place to come home to,” he said softly. 

He kissed her forehead lovingly before leaving the room, the door closing behind him quietly.  

~~~~~~~~~~

Ali was clutching the handle of her bag tightly in her hand as she ran as fast as she could through the airport, cursing herself for being so out of shape. After speaking with Luca she still hadn’t been able to properly make up her mind until the last possible second and now there was only five minutes until the plane left. She caught sight of Charlie’s red hair and sighed in relief when he turned around and saw her. 

“I knew you would come,” he said, a bright smile breaking out across his face. He was standing next to Bastien, both dressed in grey suits. 

“Yeah,” she huffed out, trying desperately to catch her breath, “Back on duty, I see.” She motioned to his uniform with one hand, the other clutching her side as she gasped for air.

“Yes, but we can talk about that later. There’s someone waiting for you on that plane,” he said, motioning for her to board the plane.

“Right,” she said, taking a deep breath and beginning to walk slowly. 

Bastien and Charlie were following closely behind her, and the reality that she couldn’t turn back was now hitting her. Upon entering the private plane she saw Drake, Ben, Maxwell, and Leo all lounging casually on large leather seats. Liam had been anxiously pacing up and down the aisle but had immediately stopped at the sound of their footsteps. A large smile broke out over his face at the sight of her. 

“You came,” he said.

“Yeah, I did,” she said, fighting her own smile as she launched herself into his arms. 

He held her tightly and for a moment all of the doubts she had about leaving New York disappeared. Leo and Maxwell shared a pleased look as the two took their seats next to each other. The plane began to take off, and Ali felt surprisingly calm as she looked out the small window. 

“Are you excited?” Maxwell asked her happily, pulling her out of her thoughts.

“Um, yeah… that’s one word for it,” she said awkwardly. 

“You’ll be amazing,” Liam said,  bringing her hand up to his lips and gently kissing her knuckles. 

“You two are disgusting,” Ben joked, prompting a laugh from the group. 

They were well on their way to Cordonia now and Maxwell took the opportunity to begin explaining to her what would be happening when they arrived. 

“For the next few weeks you’ll stay at the Beaumont estate in Ramsford with my brother Bertrand and I,” Maxwell said.

“Is your brother anything like you?” Ali asked him.

Drake scoffed slightly, causing Ali to raise her brows in question. 

“What Drake means is that Bertrand can be kind of… strict. He’s not exactly happy that I’m bringing in a suitor that doesn’t know anything about court or nobility,” Maxwell said with a cringe, “But that just means that we’ll have to spend the next few weeks turning you into a proper lady of the court.”

“Sounds like fun.” Ali tried to force a smile on her face, but it came out as more of a grimace. 

“That’s the spirit!’ Leo laughed, ending his sentence with a good-natured clap to her shoulder. 

“Once the social season starts, we’ll be spending most of our time at the palace. Most of the nobility live there during the season, including the ladies vying for Liam’s hand,” Maxwell continued. 

“Yeah, living under one roof makes it easier to attend the rose ceremony later,” Drake mumbled under his breath.

Ali snorted before stopping to pull herself together. 

“Sorry, that probably wasn’t very ladylike,” she said sarcastically.

“You’re no lady of the court,” Drake said.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” she said. 

“Trust me, it is.”

The two locked eyes for a moment, having a silent conversation. Drake had played a part in convincing her to come, but she also knew how he felt about court and the people there. He always said that Liam was the only one of them that was worth a damn. She knew that Drake wanted to protect her, but there was also a certain edge to his voice as he said those words that she couldn’t quite place. 

“Drake,” Liam said, a warning tone in his voice. Ali looked between the two for a moment before Maxwell broke through the tense silence.

 “As I was saying, the social season typically lasts for about five months. There are usually a few large events like balls that the entire court attends and there are some smaller events like dinner parties that are invitation only.”

“Not gonna lie, that sounds like… a lot,” Ali said. 

“Trust me it is,” Drake said, running his fingers through his hair. 

Everyone began to break off into their own conversations and Ali turned to Liam to find him already looking down at her. 

“Liam, I’m kind of scared,” she said, chuckling half-heartedly.

She looked down at her hands and began anxiously picking at the skin on the side of her nail.

Liam tilted her head so that she was looking up into his eyes before moving his hand to cup the side of her face, his thumb gently stroking her cheek. 

“I know, but I meant it when I said that you’ll be amazing. This is a big adjustment, and I’m afraid I may not be able to be with you as much as I would like to, but you will always have my support. You are the strongest and most capable woman I know, Ali. I don’t doubt for a second that you’ll do great things,” he replied. 

Ali smiled and leaned into him as their lips met in a gentle kiss. She rested her head onto his shoulder and felt her eyes closing before falling into a dreamless sleep.

She opened them a while later to the feeling of Liam shaking her awake. Her head was still on his shoulder and their fingers were entwined together. At some point during her nap he had removed her glasses and was now trying to hand them to her. 

“We’ll be landing soon. If you look out the window you’ll see Cordonia,” he said with a smile. 

She turned her head sleepily and gazed out the window at the land below them. In her still half asleep state, she could just make out twinkling lights against the landscape. 

“Wow.”

“Home sweet home,” Drake sighed, looking out the window as well. 

Ali groaned as she watched everyone begin to exit the plane one by one. The position she had been seated in had put a strain on her back, and as she tried to stretch it out, the pain only intensified. 

“Maxwell, can you give us a minute alone please,” Liam asked politely, pulling her out of her thoughts as she continued to stretch. The other man, who had been waiting for his new friend, nodded and exited. 

Even though she knew they were alone, the thought of everyone else just a few steps away gave Ali the feeling that she was being watched. She didn’t have much time to ponder on this fact, however. Liam grabbed her hips and pulled her so that her body was pressed flush against his, all thoughts of the rest of the group automatically leaving her mind. His lips crashed roughly into hers, and she found herself grabbing onto his arms to steady herself. She moaned softly against his mouth as she felt his tongue against her bottom lip. 

“Um, guys?” Charlie said hesitantly. 

They jumped away from each other immediately, Ali’s hand going up to cover her mouth as she looked anywhere but at the red-haired man in front of her and Liam loudly clearing his throat. Charlie stood there uncomfortably for a moment before speaking again. 

“We need to head out.”

With one more gentle kiss and whispered ‘I love you’, Ali got into the large black car with Maxwell and stared at Liam’s retreating form. 

“You’ll see him again,” he said, patting her shoulder in a comforting manner. 

“Yeah,” she said, staring out the window at the passing trees, “I know you said your brother isn’t exactly excited that I’m going to be representing House Beaumont, but what exactly am I walking into with him?”

Maxwell seemed to ponder her words for a moment.

“Well, Bertrand’s been a little more stressed than normal lately, so it may take some time, but I’m sure he’ll warm up to you eventually.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t exactly make me feel any better.”

Conversation with Maxwell flowed easily. Even though she had only known his for a few days, Ali found herself completely comfortable with him, and she felt as if she could tell him anything. The car ride passed by in a series of laughs and before she knew it, they were pulling up to the large Beaumont Estate. 

“Wow,” Ali found herself saying for the second time in an hour, “Maxwell, this place is gorgeous.”

The grounds of the large house definitely looked like it was fit for nobility, and Ali stepped out of the car trying to imagine what the inside looked like. Maxwell had already made it to the trunk of the SUV and was trying to somehow carry all of his bags and her own at the same time. 

“Yup, that’s home,” he replied, his voice strained as he tried to support the weight of their things. 

“Max, you know I can carry my own bags, right?” she said with a laugh, making her way over to help him. 

“What kind of gentleman would I be if I let a lady carry her own bag?” 

Ali playfully rolled her eyes and took her luggage from him. 

“I promise I won’t tell anyone,” she said sarcastically. 

The large front doors of the house were made of intricately carved wood and pushed open to reveal a large foyer. The ceiling rose high above her head, and an antique chandelier kept the area brightly lit. 

“Follow me. I’ll show you to your room, and then we can find Bertrand,” Maxwell said and began leading her up the large staircase. 

As he led her through various hallways, Ali had to mentally keep track of every turn that they took so that she wouldn’t get lost later. However, as large and spectacular as the home was, she couldn’t help but notice that there were no people in sight. 

“This is my room,” Maxwell said, gesturing to an unopened door as they passed it, “And that’s yours.” 

He pointed to a door that was right down the hall from his and allowed her to walk ahead so that she could open it. 

“Oh my god,” Ali said, taking the large four poster bed and the bedding that probably cost more than she made in a year at the bar. 

“Yes, I’m sure the room is probably quite spectacular for someone of your tastes,” came a voice from behind them. 

Ali turned around, not sure whether or not to be offended. The man who had spoken looked like every boring history professor stereotype that she had ever heard combined into one. He was covered in tweed from head to toe and had large, leather elbow patches on his jacket. There was a scowl on his face as he looked her up and down. 

“He doesn’t mean anything by that,” Maxwell said quickly, trying to cover for him. “Bertrand, this is the one I was telling you about… Ali!”

“This is the girl you’ve chosen to represent our house?” Bertrand asked. 

A skeptical look crossed his features, and Ali suddenly became very aware of the fact that her curls were ruffled from sleeping on the plane and that she was wearing an old hoodie that she had taken from Cole and was probably three sizes too big. She tugged at the hem of it self-consciously and smiled awkwardly at the man in front of her. 

“Yep! Nailed it right?” Maxwell said, smiling widely. “Ali, this is my older brother, Bertrand.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Bertrand,” Ali said politely. 

“The proper way to address a duke is ‘Your Grace’,” Bertrand responded stiffly. 

“Oh, right! I’m so sorry, Your Grace,” Ali said, her cheeks heating up. She hadn’t even been in Cordonia for an hour and she was already making mistakes. 

“At least it looks like you can be trained.”

Ali clenched her jaw at his words. 

“Trained? I’m not your pet!” she said, anger rising in her voice. 

Bertrand met her gaze and the two stared at each other for a moment. 

“Maxwell, a word in private,” he said, turning and walking out the door.

Maxwell shot her a strained smile and followed his brother, shutting the door behind them. She could just barely hear their voices through the door, and although their words were muffled, she knew that the conversation was about her. Ali sighed and looked up at the ceiling, wondering what she was getting herself into. The door reopened, and a flustered Maxwell and a red-faced Bertrand reentered. 

“It seems that we’re stuck with you,” Bertrand says, once again looking her over. 

“If me being here really is that much of an issue I can just go, and your family can choose some other girl to sponsor,” Ali said, crossing her arms. 

She didn’t expect things to be easy. She knew that there would be people who didn’t support her in Cordonia, but Bertrand was supposed to be her sponsor, and she was getting tired of his attitude. They had only known each other for five seconds, and he was already saying that she wasn’t good enough. 

“No! You can’t go. We’ve already chosen you, so if you leave we’ll have no one. Besides, you could be Liam’s only chance of finding actual happiness. I’ve seen the way you look at each other. You’re the only person that he’s ever loved,” Maxwell said, pleading with her. 

Ali uncrossed her arms and sighed, her features softening at his words. These actions didn’t go unnoticed by the duke who was now looking at her curiously. 

“Perhaps Maxwell didn’t fully explain this to you, but if our house puts forth the Prince’s choice, we’ll win fame and recognition,” he began.

“Something we could really use right now actually, ‘cause we’re kind of broke,” Maxwell finished.

“Maxwell! You overstep,” Bertrand said angrily. 

Ali looked between the two brothers. 

“There’s no shame in being broke,” she said softly, “Do you guys get money if I marry Liam?”

“Not… directly, but we can leverage the prestige to great effect. It would be a scandal if word got out of our financial ruin,” Bertrand said. 

Ali could tell that they were in a difficult situation, and although Bertrand only seemed to be concerned with her marrying Liam so she could help with their finances, she could tell that Maxwell had pure intentions.   

“I love Liam and want to be with him, and I want to help you guys as much as I can. So, if that means not talking back to Bertrand and learning how to be a lady of the court then fine. I’ll do it,” she said. 

[coffeetaalk]

november 2019

writing hasn’t happened much lately. it’s not surprising though...even though i have been writing novels in my head. i feel like i’ve been talking to myself like i did when i was younger. 

i’m still learning about my diagnosis. it feels like i will be learning about it for the rest of my life. if i’m being honest, i’ve always imagined this diagnosis more dramatically. in the past, when i am depressed the suicidal thoughts are holding hands with sadness. or even sometimes, the depression is just so intense that the suicidal thoughts get lost in the numbness, but they are still there. in those moments, my life was a wreck from every aspect. i mean every aspect. it seemed as that nothing was going right, and the world was against me even though that wasn’t true. it was just so intense and maybe to some, extremely dramatic and over the top. 

this time around, the draining depression is paired with joy. that feels odd to say but it’s what it is. the situation around me is joyful and there are really great things happening but i find myself every single night barely hanging on to the body that is mine. i’m able to wake up and i’m able to brush my teeth and i’m able to drive my car to work. but the things that are going on inside my head leave me exhausted. i don’t give myself a pep talk in the car like i’m used to anymore. i’m just...there, existing in a way that i’m not used to. 

in my work life, i am working my butt off. i feel like i’m trying to prove something. i feel like i have to be the best at my position and that everyone in the workplace has to like me. i’m not looking for validation. maybe i am. i’m not sure but, it doesn’t feel like that. i just want to know that people like me and that i’m accepted. (that’s validation, idiot). 

i found myself crying at my desk today because an application on my computer was not working. i was overly frustrated and sad. the woman a door or two down was making the wrong noises, too many people were talking, i was hungry, and i had so much to do. it was just an overabundance of negative thoughts attacking my already weary brain at once. i find myself leaving my desk often to just sit in the bathroom. not even to cry. sometimes just to dissociate in peace. i feel lonely in those moments but i don’t want to be near anyone. i want to be alone. 

i have a really hard time maintaining my relationships. talking. going out. socializing. being joyful and in the moment. those things are so emotionally exhausting to me. there is a small group of girls that i am friends with and i think they are noticing my absence. i feel bad because those girls are so sweet to me but i just cannot seem to grasp the idea of friendship lately which, makes me out to be a bad guy. i really don’t mean to be that distant or quiet but i just simply don’t know what to say or what to talk about. sometimes i feel like it would be better if they just let me be because i’m just not a good friend right now and they deserve so much more than that. not just them, all my friends. i haven’t been able to show up for them. i’m noticing that i can’t even hold a normal conversation. i just panic and get really awkward and try to get out of the situation ASAP and i need to sit down and be alone for days afterwards. 

 i makes me feel like a wreck of a person because i can’t do that. i hope they know i love them but i’m trying to love myself and i’m having a hard time doing both.

when i come home from work, it’s the same thing every day. i change and then just lay on the couch watching videos on my phone or sometimes just laying there in the silence. i feel as if my cat, gracie, can sense something is off. she’s clingy to me and she usually isn’t like that to this extreme. i wish she could know that i want to pet her more but sometimes my body is frozen that i just need to lay there. i love that i have my cats, they offer so much healing.

my eating habits have been up and down. am i eating? yes. am i eating enough? probably not. am i at a healthy place with my food? sure. i mean, it’s not perfect but it never has been. however, i can put food in my mouth without taking a razor to my wrist and starving for the following days and weeks. i have noticed i have lost weight. i’m not sure how i feel about it and that’s really all i can say about my food and weight. it’s a battle i’m still fighting and hopefully winning.

i’m getting married. i’m with my person. i have a good job. i am so thankful and happy for those things. i wish that my mental illness would let me see that and remind me of that to put a smile on my face. i think the depression is heavy because my person isn’t around. even though this season is almost over, it’s still really taxing when i feel like this. i haven’t been able to find the right words to tell him what’s going on. it’s not that he’s not safe, he is the safest person, it’s just that i don’t have the actual words. i almost feel mute most days. all i can say about this is that the 21st cannot come fast enough.

i have a good life and so many things are going right and well. i feel like i can’t express this because maybe the wrong person will take this a completely different way. almost like i’m not grateful or the ever-helpful “you have so much!! just be happy!!!” don’t you think i’m trying? so, in this current situation, i feel as if it’s best that i keep the smile on my face. i’m not in an unsafe place. i’m in a safe place but the ones around me may not understand. i just want to make sure everyone is happy and taken care of and there is no room for doubt or questions that i’m not ready or equipped to answer. 

it sounds silly to say things like “i wish my depression came in waves” because this consistent feeling is extreme for me. i’m not suicidal and that’s different for me. different because i am experiencing the depression and this episode without that and i’m still learning. my mental illness doesn’t care that i’m getting married, or that i have great friends or a good job. my mental illness comes in like a tornado and leaves without any remorse and i’m left to deal with the wreckage.

[hufflly-puffs]

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Chapter 22: St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries

“The instrument tinkled into life at once with rhythmic clinking noises. Tiny puffs of pale green smoke issued from the minuscule silver tube at the top. Dumbledore watched the smoke closely, his brow furrowed. After a few seconds, the tiny puffs became a steady stream of smoke that thickened and coiled in the air … a serpent’s head grew out of the end of it, opening its mouth wide. Harry wondered whether the instrument was confirming his story: he looked eagerly at Dumbledore for a sign that he was right, but Dumbledore did not look up. ‘Naturally, naturally,’ murmured Dumbledore apparently to himself, still observing the stream of smoke without the slightest sign of surprise. ‘But in essence divided?’” – I don’t think it is ever explained what exactly this instrument is, but this, along with Dumbledore’s question from which perspective Harry saw the attack on Mr. Weasley, confirms that by now Dumbledore knows or at least suspects about the Horcruxes. He might had suspected it since book 2 and the Riddle Diary and the way it worked. By now though it is confirmed to him that Harry is a Horcrux as well, which would explain we he could see through Nagini’s eyes, as all the Horcruxes and Voldemort are connected. This would also explain why Dumbledore refuses to even look at Harry, though he did ignore him ever since the start of the summer, so while Harry’s knowledge about the attack confirms his theory Dumbledore must have known for much longer. Which would also explain his emotional distance: he didn’t want to get to close to the boy he knew had to die.

“Dumbledore was now rummaging in a cupboard behind Harry and Ron. He emerged from it carrying a blackened old kettle, which he placed carefully on his desk. He raised his wand and murmured, ‘Portus!’ For a moment the kettle trembled, glowing with an odd blue light; then it quivered to rest, as solidly black as ever.” – I like the idea of Dumbledore having a cupboard of random things he can turn into Portkeys at any given time should he need one.

“At once, Harry’s scar burned white-hot, as though the old wound had burst open again – and unbidden, unwanted, but terrifyingly strong, there rose within Harry a hatred so powerful he felt, for that instant, he would like nothing better than to strike – to bite – to sink his fangs into the man before him –“ – We know that Voldemort never possessed Harry here, and that obviously Dumbledore was never in real danger to get attacked by Harry through him. So I think another reason why Dumbledore ignored Harry was because he might had suspected that his view would be enough to re-connect Harry and Voldemort and that perhaps this time Voldemort would be aware of the connection, using it against Harry, the way he ultimately does at the end of this book.

“[…] Sirius was hurrying towards them all, looking anxious. He was unshaven and still in his day clothes; there was also a slightly Mundungus-like whiff of stale drink about him.” – I think Harry noticed that Sirius didn’t do well, but never the full impact of it, because he was too young to understand. There are clear signs that Sirius was depressed, and also had maniac episodes, which would explain his reckless behaviour in the Ministry. Mental health is something that is largely not addressed in the Wizarding World. When we enter St. Mungos there are several floors for all kind of specific injuries and diseases, but no psychotherapeutic ward. In the next chapter we see the Longbottoms and Gilderoy Lockhart, who are both not in their right mind, but in both cases this is caused through magic, and treated as such (irreversible spell damage). Harry clearly suffers from PTSD as well, but never gets the help he needs.

“‘Your father knew what he was getting into and he won’t thank you for messing things up for the Order!’ said Sirius, equally angry. ‘This is how it is – this is why you’re not in the Order – you don’t understand – there are things worth dying for!’ ‘Easy for you to say, stuck here!’ bellowed Fred. ‘I don’t see you risking your neck!’ The little colour remaining in Sirius’s face drained from it. He looked for a moment as though he would quite like to hit Fred, but when he spoke, it was in a voice of determined calm.” – Low blow, Fred. And it hits right where it will hurt Sirius the most, confirming that he is useless and no help, while everyone else risks their life for the cause. Which again will lead to his downfall in the end.

Sirius dismisses Harry’s worries that there might be something wrong with him, and he is the one who attacked Mr. Weasley somehow. Either Sirius really thinks there is nothing to it, that Harry is just under shock, or he knew something was up and didn’t want Harry to worry. Somehow I can’t imagine that Dumbledore would have shared his theory that Harry is a Horcrux with Sirius, because Sirius would have known what that meant for Harry’s life as well. I really think Snape was the only one who knew besides Dumbledore, because Dumbledore trusted him to see the bigger picture. But it is also interesting to see how different this scene is portrayed in the movie adaption. It is then that Sirius tells Harry that you can’t just categorize people into Death Eaters and good people, meaning that even good people like Harry have a dark side, and that it matters what we choose to act on. In the book this line refers to Umbridge, meaning that even though she isn’t a Death Eater she can still be a bad person. Two very different interpretations of the same sentence.

“They had arrived outside a large, old-fashioned, red-brick department store called Purge & Dowse Ltd. The place had a shabby, miserable air; the window displays consisted of a few chipped dummies with their wigs askew, standing at random and modelling fashions at least ten years out of date.” – As if Harry even would know what is fashion. The kid still wears his cousin’s old clothes, despite owning a small fortune.

“Harry thought how absurd it was for Tonks to expect the dummy to hear her talking so quietly through a sheet of glass, with buses rumbling along behind her and all the racket of a street full of shoppers. Then he reminded himself that dummies couldn’t hear anyway.” – How did you ever manage to get through life? (Then again, this could have been me, wondering about the very same thing)

“‘Doctors?’ said Ron, looking startled. ‘Those Muggle nutters that cut people up? Nah, they’re Healers.’” – This kind of reminds me of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (aka the best Star Trek movie) and Bones utter horror when he learns how doctors used to treat their patients in the past (“Now, put away your butcher's knives and let me save this patient before it's too late!”).

“A harassed-looking wizard was holding his small daughter tightly by the ankle while she flapped around his head using the immensely large, feathery wings that had sprouted right out through the back of her romper suit. ‘Fourth floor,’ said the witch, in a bored voice, without asking, and the man disappeared through the double doors beside the desk, holding his daughter like an oddly shaped balloon. ‘Next!’��� – This is what they should have used their CGI for, just saying.

‘We’ll wait outside, Molly,’ Tonks said. ‘Arthur won’t want too many visitors at once … it ought to be just the family first.’ Mad-Eye growled his approval of this idea and set himself with his back against the corridor wall, his magical eye spinning in all directions. Harry drew back, too, but Mrs Weasley reached out a hand and pushed him through the door, saying, ‘Don’t be silly, Harry, Arthur wants to thank you.’” – It is interesting how Harry doesn’t see himself as part of the Weasley family, despite Molly saying he is like a son to her. We already saw this with him questioning where he would spend his Christmas holidays, because Ron had forgotten to invite him, not naturally assuming he would spend the holidays with the Weasleys. Harry only acknowledges Sirius as his family and at times like these feels like an intruder to the Weasley family.

“‘A werewolf?’ whispered Mrs Weasley, looking alarmed. ‘Is he safe in a public ward? Shouldn’t he be in a private room?’ ‘It’s two weeks till full moon,’ Mr Weasley reminded her quietly. ‘They’ve been talking to him this morning, the Healers, you know, trying to persuade him he’ll be able to lead an almost normal life. I said to him – didn’t mention names, of course – but I said I knew a werewolf personally, very nice man, who finds the condition quite easy to manage.’”- Mrs. Weasley immediate reaction is to see the patient who was bitten by a werewolf as a threat to her own family, especially her husband. Her first instinct is to isolate him, despite knowing a werewolf herself and the social stigma that surrounds him. Also I doubt that Lupin would say the condition is easy to manage. We know that by now there is a potion that will help him during his transformations, but it was also mentioned that only people as skilled as Snape can produce such a potion. Between his year at Hogwarts and his work for the Order Lupin probably had to manage without the potion (I assume Snape provides him the potion once again since they are both in the Order). And not everyone has access to said potion. The Magical Health System is very flawed.

It is Moody who says Voldemort possesses Harry, because assumingly not knowing about the Horcruxes (and that Harry is one) that would be the logical explanation to him. Dumbledore had to offer the Order another explanation than that though, but again I doubt anyone except Snape knew the whole truth.

[centralparkpawsblog]

How to Calm Down an Excited Puppy

https://www.centralparkpaws.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Why-is-my-puppy-hyper-overexcited-rambunctious-ball-of-energy-causes.jpg I love puppies!

I love their little puppy tummies, their soft little paws, even their puppy breath.

I could watch puppies play and tumble for hours and never get bored. I think that puppies are one of life’s greatest joys, but also one of life’s greatest challenges!

When Daisy was a puppy, she was tiny and cute and one heck of a ball of energy!

Being that I had taught several puppy classes and obedience classes, I was under the misguided impression that I was all set to take on this challenge.

I couldn’t have been more wrong!

I used to walk Daisy four times a day, and that wasn’t enough to calm her down.

Eventually, I was able to get her into daycare, which was an amazing transformation. Though she was still energetic, it took off quite a bit of the excess energy.

Raising an extremely high energy headstrong puppy alone was both an eye-opening and humbling experience.

It didn’t take long for me to realize I had my work cut out for me.

Ultimately, if your puppy has too much energy, they will be fluffy balls of terror that chew, bark, and bite.

Why Is My Puppy so Hyper?

There are a few common reasons a puppy might be hyper:

Breed

Lack of exercise

Lack of mental stimulation

Overstimulation by distractions

Some breeds are more hyper than other breeds.

For example, a Jack Russell terrier is likely to be more energetic than a Newfoundland puppy.

Though, the breed of dog is not a rule, but instead more of a guide.

My family’s first Golden Retriever, Gracie, was a calm, easy to train puppy whereas my mom’s second Golden, Gussie, was a wild and crazy ball of energy.

If your puppy is crated during the day when you are at work, it is normal for your puppy to have a lot of energy to burn off when you get home.

Likely, your puppy will have been sleeping all day in your absence, so now that they are rested, they are all set to party!

Bored puppies are not that much different than bored children. They tend to find their own way to entertain themselves, which usually leads to them getting themselves into trouble.

Capacitors almost at full charge. Hyperactivity imminent!

Also, if your puppy has too much stimulation, say kids running in and out or you have company over, puppies will often feed off the fun energy and become over stimulated, which can look like a hyper puppy.

All puppies have their hyper moments and we need to help them find ways to burn off that excess energy in more productive and less destructive ways.

How to Calm Down a Hyper Puppy

First and foremost, you need to make sure your puppy is getting enough exercise.

If you have a puppy that has not had a way to release some of that puppy energy it is near impossible to work with them constructively.

Exercise

The amount of exercise a puppy is getting or not getting impacts your dog’s level of energy.

Exercising puppies is a complicated task. Not enough exercise and your puppy is a demon, and too much exercise can cause significant health issues.

There aren’t any set rules or formulas for how much exercise a puppy requires.

The breed is a significant factor in deciding the amount and type of exercise your puppy should get.

Larger dogs may seem like they can go for long walks, but too much exercise has been linked with orthopedic disease[1]. Short, low impact exercise sessions are the best.

Also, keep the exercise fun and change it up from time to time to avoid boredom.

Some great ways to exercise puppies are:

Walks (Mix it up by going to different areas, making time to allow your puppy to explore and smell things they encounter on the walk)

Fetch

Swimming (Take this slow; not all dogs like the water or know how to swim)

As your puppy grows, the exercise sessions can become longer and fewer.

Also, as they become bigger and stronger, you can change the type of exercise by adding things like agility training or running.

Mental stimulation

Don’t let your puppy’s silly manner fool you into thinking that they don’t require mental stimulation.

Mental stimulation is essential to your puppy’s mental development.

The breed of dog impacts the amount of mental stimulation a puppy needs.

Breeds like Border Collies, German Shepherds, and Dobermans require more mental stimulation than other breeds.

But just like exercise, all dogs need some form of mental stimulation to keep their brains engaged.

Bored puppies can get themselves into a lot of trouble, but mental stimulation like training can help drain excess energy and help promote calm behaviors[2].

Here are some excellent ways to keep your puppy’s mind sharp:

Training

Both classroom and in-home training are effective ways to keep your puppy’s brain working.

Puzzle Toys

These toys involve your dog finding a way to access food.

Also, many puzzle toys take some time, which will give you a few minutes to get things done.

Hide and Seek

A simple and fun game that will provide exercise and mental stimulation.

Ask someone to hold or distract your puppy while you go and hide nearby.

Call your puppy randomly (like a game of Marco Polo) to keep them focused.

When the puppy finds you be sure to shower them with happy praise, but do not jump out and scare your puppy.

Remember to start with easy hiding places. This will keep your puppy from losing interest.

As your puppy catches onto the game you can hide further away from their starting point and in more challenging locations.

Find It

This is similar to hide and seek, but instead of you, they find an object or treat.

Again, start out easy.

Show them the object, place a blanket over it in front of them, then say find it.

Gradually you can increase the difficulty of where you hide the object, just make sure that is always somewhere they can reach; you don’t want to teach bad behaviors like jumping on tables.

Settle

Another way to help your puppy to settle down is to teach the “settle” command.

Yes, you can train a puppy to chill out on command!

Settle is extremely helpful when you have a high stimulation situation, such as when someone comes to the door or you have guests, but it can also be used out in public to get your dog to rest calmly on restaurant patios and such.

Settle Training Necessities

To train settle, you will need:

Clicker – These will mark the behavior you want from your puppy.

Recommendation: NewNewStar Pet Training Clicker

Small High-Value Training Treats – Soft treats work best since they are easy for puppies to consume quickly.

Recommendations: Cloud Star Tricky Trainers, Blue Buffalo Wilderness Trail Treats, or Buckley Trainers

Treat Tote – Helps to keep your clothes clean and makes it easy to access treats.

Recommendation: Chuckit! Treat Tote

Bed or Mat – You can use a towel, rug, or bed.

Patience and a Quiet Area – Puppies get distracted easily, so the quieter an area is, the better chance of success you will have

How to Train Settle

First, if you have never used a clicker for training you will need to “load” the clicker.

You do this by clicking the clicker then immediately give your dog a treat. You will repeat this twenty times in a row.

Be sure that you are not clicking directly into your puppy’s ear. This is supposed to be positive and will teach your puppy that when they hear the noise, they will receive a treat.

Second, place the mat or bed on the floor.

When your puppy walks over onto the mat, even with one paw, click and toss the treat nearby, but not on the mat.

When your puppy comes back to the mat you will repeat this.

Do not put words to this.

Do not cue your puppy to go to the mat; just sit next to it and wait quietly.

Puppies tend to learn faster when they are able to figure it out for themselves.

Do not provide praise outside of the treat. This is a calming technique and the stimulus of your touch or voice can set your puppy into an excited mindset.

Eventually, once your puppy is consistent about coming to the mat, wait to treat until they are completely on the mat.

Then, progress to when they are laying on the mat.

When your puppy is reliably going to the mat and laying down, you can add the vocal command “settle.”

You can say “good settle” after you click and treat.

Once your puppy goes to the mat and lays down, slowly lengthen the time in between when you give treats.

Stimulation Removal

Sometimes puppies are overly stimulated and skip taking naps; this combination is a sure recipe for a demon puppy.

Imagine a child with too much sugar, but without a nap.

Essentially, puppies can get that way also.

Often, removing the puppy to a quiet area can help bring your puppy’s energy down.

You can put them in their crate with a filled Kong in a quiet room; this will help your puppy settle down.

Tips for Calming Down a Puppy

Stay calm. Your excitement will feed your puppy’s excitement.

Quiet, dark rooms can help reduce stimulus and aid your puppy in relaxing.

Make sure your puppy is getting enough exercise. Remember, a tired puppy is a well behaved puppy.

There will always be times your puppy will act silly and crazy, and that’s okay some of the time.

But a puppy left in an excited state of mind for too long can cause issues for the puppy as they develop socially and emotionally[3].

Remember, patience is key.

New puppies can be overwhelming to dog parents; it’s not that much different than bringing home a baby.

There will be a lack of sleep, a lot of messes to clean up, and a lot of crying, but with patience and positive training any challenge can be overcome.

Puppies don’t stay puppies for long, so enjoy this time while you have it.

FAQs

How Do You Calm a Puppy Down at Night?

Proper exercise, full tummy, empty bladder, and a quiet, dark room with the family nearby will help calm a peppy at night.

Often puppies are separated from their family at bedtime which can be a little scary for them, so if possible, move the crate to your bedroom.

This will make your puppy feel safe and relaxed.

When (At What Age) Do Puppies Calm Down?

It varies from dog to dog, but most dogs tend to calm down between 18 – 24 months of age.

Resources

https://www.akc.org/expert-advice/health/puppies-how-much-exercise/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24568110

https://pethelpful.com/dogs/Understanding-Sensory-Overstumulation-in-Dogs

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