#i have EVERY hour of today planned. when I’ll study and when I’ll eat and when I’ll take my evening walk.

[stuckinapril]

Nothing gets a girl going faster than making an hour by hour schedule of her day.

[dustpages]

Do what we like

I was lying on the couch in your living room, I had just finished my last year of high school. I was excited since it was the summer holiday and I had many plans. The apartment was silent and I was getting bored of being alone when I heard the sound of a key opening the door's lock.  I was excited since my aunt Sana had come home earlier than usual. I ran to greet her at the entrance when I was met with a shocking sight.

Sana was wearing a tight black dress, so tight it looked as if it was painted on her. The dress hugged every inch of her slim body, her nice round butt and her big tits. She wore black heels, making her look even more like a supermodel. Her hair was perfectly styled and her makeup made her look like an angel. She had a smile on her face but she was also slightly sweaty. She dropped her purse on the floor and she smiled at me.

“Hi, sweetie!”

She was wearing a black thong underneath her dress that barely covered her butt and left a bit of it visible. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, I had never seen her looking so gorgeous before.

“Hi, auntie.” I greeted her shyly in fluent Japanese.

“Oh, my dear you’re learning so fast! You couldn't utter a single word  when you arrived.” She said as she took off her heels and walked towards the kitchen.

 I was still following her with my eyes when I noticed that her dress was riding up her thighs, I could see the straps of her thong on her hips and my eyes widened at the sight of it. “Do you want to eat something?” She asked me as she opened the fridge.

I snapped back into reality. “I'm ok, thank you.” I said. “But I thought you had to stay at work until late.”

She smiled. “I was lucky today, the photoshoot went well and they let me go earlier than usual.”

I nodded and I sat on the couch again. “That’s good.” 

"Did you do something nice today?"

I shrugged. “Just  have been studying all day long"

She sighed. “Oh, poor baby. You deserve some fun too, you know.”

" No worries I've always been used to studying during summer" I responded.  

"I hope you didn't forget that I'm planning to invite a few of my friends for dinner tonight, so please don't be too embarrassed when they will be flirting with me, I'm used to it." She winked.

I nodded. “I won’t be embarrassed. I'll just stay in my room if you need me.”

Sana rolled her eyes. “No way, my friends would kill me if they found out I was keeping such a cute nephew of mine hidden.” She smiled.

I blushed at her words. " There's no need for me to attend such a dinner"  I protested.

She came over to sit on the couch beside me. “Oh, don't be shy, I'm sure you’ll find someone who will like you.”

I looked down at my feet, feeling uncomfortable. “I don’t know…”

She sighed. “What did you say when you arrived in Tokyo?” She asked.

“I wanted to live with you because you were my closest relative and I wanted to learn Japanese better.” I repeated the words I had told her 4 months earlier.

“And do you think that you’re improving in your studies of Japanese? ”

“Yes, I am.” I nodded.

“Well, if you really want to improve it you need to speak with people more. You can start with my friends.” She said as she grabbed my chin and looked at me in the eyes.

“Ok.” I nodded. “I’ll try.”

She smiled. “That’s a good boy.” She kissed my forehead and got up from the sofa to head to her room.

I heard her door slam shut and I let out a sigh of relief. I had to admit that it had been nice to see Sana looking so gorgeous but at the same time, I was worried. What if someone saw her like this? What if she did something inappropriate?

I heard her door open again and saw her coming out of her room. “I'm going to take a shower. Do you need to use it before me?” She asked as she walked towards the bathroom.

I shook my head. “No, I don’t.”

“Ok. I'll be fast then.” She smiled and went inside the bathroom.

Soon after, just 2 hours later, she came back fully decked out in her gorgeous black dress and heels. She looked as if she had just stepped off a fashion magazine cover.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wear something nice too?” She asked as she looked at me wearing just a pair of shorts and a white t-shirt.

" Do I need to?" I whined. " You are the star of the night, not me."

She laughed. “My friends won’t eat you. Don’t be shy.” She winked.

I sighed. “If you say so.”

“Do you have anything nice to wear? ” She asked me.

I nodded becoming emotional. The last present that my mother gave me while we lived in London was a nice dressy white shirt and matching black trousers from Burberry.  

" I have some new clothes that my mother bought for me before she passed away." I said.

Sana lost her smile as soon as I mentioned my mother. My mother and Sana had always been very close. They were sisters but they had grown up in different places. My mother had moved to the U.K. when she was 16 and she had never returned to Japan.

“Ah, ok, then put those on.” She said as she tried to hide her feelings. She walked over to me and hugged me.

“Don’t worry, I’m here now.” She said. “I know it can be tough sometimes but you’re not alone.”

I nodded. “I know, I appreciate it. You have been a great aunt to me so far.” 

She smiled again. “I will try to be the best aunt in the world.” She said. “Now go get changed.”

I nodded and I went to my room. I quickly put on my clothes and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my hair. I was putting on some cologne when I heard the sound of the buzzer. I heard the clacking of  Sana’s heels on the hardwood floor and I came out of the bathroom to see her opening the door to let her friends in.

 There were three of them, two men and one girl. They were all dressed nicely and they all had a smile on their faces. They greeted Sana with a hug and a kiss on the cheek before coming inside.

 When they saw me they all stopped and stared. “Who is this?” One of them asked in Japanese.

Sana smiled. “This is my nephew from the U.K. His mother is my sister and she asked me to take care of him.”

The girl was the first one to recover from her shock. She was wearing a red dress and she looked very beautiful. She came over to me and greeted me. “Nice to meet you. I’m Yumi.” She said.

The two guys were still staring at me and I was getting slightly uncomfortable. “This is Taro and Hiro.” Sana introduced them.

I greeted them back and Sana ushered her friends inside to the living room. “Sit down, please. I’ll make something to drink.” She said.

I sat on the couch and I noticed that the girl, Yumi, sat beside me. She had a nice smile and she smelled good too.

“So, are you really Sana’s nephew?” She asked me.

“Yes.” I nodded. “My mother was her sister. I've lived in London for all my life till I had to move here with Sana" I said. 

She laughed. “I can’t believe Sana’s sister has a son as cute as you.” She smiled.

I blushed at her words and I thanked her in Japanese. “Do you speak Japanese?” She asked me in surprise.

I nodded. “Yes, I do. I’ve been learning it in London since I was young.” I said.

Yumi smiled. “I’m sure your aunt is proud of you.” She said.

I nodded. “She is.” I replied.

I looked at Taro and Hiro and I saw that they were still staring at me. I felt a bit uncomfortable and I tried to make conversation. “So, what do you do?” I asked them.

Taro was the first one to answer. “I’m a photographer and I worked with your aunt for a few years.” He said.

Hiro nodded too. “And I’m a model too, I met your aunt at a photoshoot a year ago.” He said.

I smiled. “It’s nice that you all are friends.” I said.

Yumi nodded. “We became friends when we worked together on a project.” She said.

Sana came back into the living room with drinks and some snacks and sat down beside me. “What were you talking about?” She asked.

Taro spoke up. “We were just introducing ourselves.”

Sana smiled. “Good, I’m glad you’re getting along.” She said.

I noticed that Sana was sitting very close to me and she was touching my leg with hers. I didn’t think much of it since I knew she was a very clingy person. But when I saw the guys staring at us, I realized that they might think we were more than just aunt and nephew. I felt myself becoming nervous and I tried to move away from her but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back to her. She was smiling at me and I noticed that her smile seemed slightly different. She leaned in to whisper something in my ear.

“Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking.” She said. “We’re not doing anything wrong, right?”

I shook my head. “No, of course not.”

She kissed my ear and she whispered again. “Good. Let’s just enjoy our evening with my friends, ok?”

I nodded. “Ok, sure.”

I looked back at Taro, Hiro and Yumi and they were all staring at me with a strange expression on their faces. I didn’t know what they were thinking but I was hoping it wasn’t anything bad.

Sana got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen. “I have to prepare dinner.”

I got up too. “Let me help you.”

Sana shook her head. “No, stay here and chat with my friends.” She affirmed. “It’s good for your Japanese.”

I nodded and sat down again beside Yumi. She smiled at me. “Don’t worry, we don’t bite.” She said.

I smiled back. “I know.”

We started chatting and Taro and Hiro joined in our conversation. They were talking about their jobs and they were telling me some funny stories. I was laughing at them when I noticed that Taro was staring at me again. His eyes were fixed on me and he was smiling.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

He nodded. “I’m ok. I was just wondering if you’re really Sana’s nephew.”

I laughed. “Yes, I am. What makes you doubt it?” 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. You just don’t look like her.”

I laughed again. “ He is not the brightest" I replied in a Cockney accent and just Yumi got it and laughed.

Taro and Hiro looked confused. “What did you say?” Taro asked me.

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

Yumi giggled again and leaned in to whisper in my ear. “Don’t worry, I got it. That’s a London accent, right?”

I smiled and nodded. “You’re correct indeed.” I said.

She smiled back. “I love it. You sound like a real Londoner.” She said.

I laughed. “I am one.” I replied.

Taro looked confused again. “I don’t understand what you two are saying.”

I laughed. “We are speaking in English.” I said.

Yumi spoke up. “It’s nice to hear you speaking English, you sound cute.” She said.

I blushed again at her words. “Thank you.” I said.

Hiro looked annoyed and he got up from his seat. “I need to go to the bathroom.” He said.

 “I’ll be right back.”

He walked off and Taro followed him. “I need to use it too.” He said.

Yumi and I were left alone in the living room. We were sitting on the sofa together and we were facing each other smiling.

“Are you having fun?” She asked me.

“I am thankful to you, for chatting with me, I feel less nervous now.”

She nodded. “You don’t have to be nervous. You’re a nice guy.” She said.

I blushed again. “Thanks.” I said.

She looked down at my body. “You’re really cute too.” She said.

I was about to thank her again when I heard the sound of the door opening. Sana came back in the room and she had a tray of food in her hands.

 “I hope you’re hungry.” She said. “I prepared a lot of food.”

We all got up from the couch and went to the dining room. Sana had prepared a lot of dishes and they all smelled delicious. We started eating and we were chatting while we did.

Yumi and I were still chatting but the guys were chatting with Sana. She was smiling and laughing and I saw that she was slightly drunk. She was drinking some wine and I saw that she had had a few glasses already.

I stood up and went to Sana. " You have been drinking too much, let's call the night" I whispered in her ear gently.  

She was swaying slightly and she was smiling at me. “Don’t be a spoilsport, sweetie.” She said. “We are still having fun.”

I grabbed her arm. “You need to stop drinking.” I said.

She rolled her eyes. “I can handle myself.” She said.

I sighed. “Please, auntie, let’s stop.” I begged her.

Sana looked at me with a confused expression plastered on her face. “Oh, my dear, you’re so cute when you’re worried about me.” She exclaimed. “But there’s no need to worry.” She leaned in to kiss my cheek and I felt her lips on my skin. I tried to pull away but she grabbed my arm and pulled me to her. “Let’s dance.” She said. “I love dancing with you.”

I tried to protest again but Sana didn’t listen. She started dancing with me and I could smell her perfume. Her dress was riding up her thighs and I could see the straps of her thong. I tried to ignore the sight and focus on her dancing but it was hard. She was a great dancer and she was moving her body in a very seductive way.

Taro, Hiro and Yumi were all staring at us. They had stopped eating and they were watching us dance.

When the music ended, Sana leaned in to kiss me again. This time she didn’t stop at my cheek and she kissed me on the lips. I tried to pull away but she was holding my face with her hands. I could feel her tongue on my lips and I taste her lipstick.

I heard someone gasp and I saw Taro, Hiro and Yumi staring at us in shock. I pulled away from Sana and I saw that she was smiling at me. She was swaying slightly and her eyes were half closed.

“I love you, my dear.” She said. “You’re the best thing that has happened to me.”

Looking at her friends. " Can you please leave?" I asked " She is clearly too drunk" I said.

Yumi nodded. “We’ll go.” She said. “Take care of your aunt.”

Taro and Hiro nodded too and they all got up from their seats to leave. They said goodbye to Sana and they left the apartment.

I looked back at Sana and she was smiling at me again. She was leaning against the wall and she was looking at me with a confused expression on her face. I walked over to her and grabbed her arm.

“Let’s get you to bed.”

She nodded. “I’m tired.” 

I helped her to her room and I put her to bed. She was mumbling something in Japanese that I could not get, I tucked her in the blanket and I turned off the light.

I was about to leave when I heard her calling me. “My dear.”

I walked back to her bedside. “What do you need?” I asked.

She looked up at me smiling. “Stay with me tonight.” She whispered. “I don’t want to be alone.”

I nodded. “Ok, I’ll stay.” I affirmed.

She smiled again and she pulled back the blanket. “Get in bed with me.”

I nodded and I took off my shoes and laid down beside her. She wrapped her arms around me and she started kissing my neck. I tried to push her away but she was holding me tightly kissing my neck and moaning softly. I could hear the sound of her breathing and it was driving me crazy.

" Sana you should sleep" I told her softly caressing her back. 

She nodded and I felt her relaxing against my body. I held her in my arms and I stroked her hair. She was warm and she smelled good. I felt her body relaxing against mine and I knew she had fallen asleep. I felt safe with her in my arms and I didn’t want to let her go.

I fell asleep holding her and when I woke up again, she was smiling at me.

 She was lying on top of me looking down at me with a smile on her face. She was wearing a short black nightie that barely covered her and I could see her tits through the fabric. My dick was hard and I was trying to ignore it.

“Good morning, my dear.” She said as she leaned in to kiss me.

I tried to pull away but she was holding my face with her hands. The kiss was soft,  I could taste her mouthwash. I tried to relax and enjoy the kiss but I knew it was wrong. We were aunt and nephew and we shouldn’t be kissing like this.

She broke the kiss and she looked down at me. “Did you sleep well?” She asked.

I nodded. “I did.”

She smiled. “I’m glad. I was worried that you would be uncomfortable sleeping with your old aunt.”

I laughed. “I wasn’t uncomfortable.”

Sana smiled and leaned in to kiss me. This time she was more aggressive and pushed her tongue in my mouth exploring my tongue and lips.

" I'm free today, let's go to the beach" She proposed, her face inches away from mine. " I want to see you in swim trunks" She said with a naughty smile.

" It will be a pleasure" I smiled back at her. " I will prepare a lunchbox for us”

Sana clapped her hands happily. " Oh, that sounds perfect." She said.

I nodded and I got up from the bed. “I’ll go make breakfast.”

She nodded and she got out of bed too. She walked over to me and she hugged me. “Thank you for being such a sweet nephew.” She said. “You make me feel so loved.”

I hugged her back. “I love you too.” I said.

She smiled again and she let me go. “Now go make breakfast.” She said. “I’m starving.”

We had a quick breakfast in silence and we headed to the beach. Sana drove and we went to a beach she had in mind parking in a designated spot. We walked towards the beach and finally arrived at a beautiful white sanded beach with the ocean in front of us. Sana was walking in front of me, wearing a white bikini and high heels and her long hair waving in the wind. 

"Let's stop here.” she declared, pointing at a small clearing near a tree. We stopped there and sat down, taking off our shoes. I looked at Sana, who was staring at me with her big brown eyes. She was really stunning, her hair falling down her shoulders and her tits bulging from her top. 

I cleared my throat and turned around, trying to ignore her. "It's really hot today.” I said. 

" Indeed. Would you apply the sunscreen on my back?" she asked me. 

I nodded and took the sunscreen from her hands. She turned around and I started to apply the sunscreen on her back, starting from her shoulders and moving down to the curve of her waist. I could smell her sweet perfume as I was rubbing the sunscreen on her skin. 

She was soft and warm under my fingers, her skin smooth and delicate. I was feeling a bit weird, rubbing her back like that but I kept doing it until she told me to stop. 

"That is a sight to behold" we heard a deep male voice commenting and others voices laughing in agreement.  

I turned around and saw a group of guys ogling at Sana's body, the comment was inappropriate but the message of it was indeed true. 

" Stop staring at me, losers" she stated, turning around. I saw her giving them a seductive smile and a wink. The guys laughed again. 

" Oh come on a woman like you what is doing with a kid like him? You should come with us to party." The guy who commented first spoke. 

Sana turned around and faced me. "What do you say? Should I join them? They are so hot"  she said, raising an eyebrow at me. 

I shrugged. "I'm not stopping you" I affirmed, looking away. She stood up and walked towards the guys, chatting with them for a while. I was sitting on the sand, looking away from them. 

After a few minutes, I heard Sana shouting something and I turned around. She was running towards me with the guys behind her, chasing her. They were laughing and she was squealing like a little girl, I could tell they were all having a good time. 

They caught her and started tickling her. "Stop, stop! It's too much!" she was shouting. She fell down on the sand and the guys fell on her, tickling her.  She was laughing and screaming trying to free herself from their grip, her body moving under theirs, her tits shaking. They were all laughing like crazy and I knew they were having fun, maybe too much.

Somehow Sana managed to free herself and started to run away. The guys chased her again and soon she was running towards me, shouting "Help me!"

I stood up and she hid behind me. "Please, save me from these monsters!" she said, pressing her tits against my back. I turned around and looked at them. 

" Guys enough is enough," I affirmed. " Let's quit this play."  

 The guys nodded laughing and she gave me a smile. "Thank you, my hero,”

They went for their way and Sana sat next to me on the sand. She was still panting and I could see her tits shaking under her bikini. 

I hugged her sideways. "Are you ok?" I asked. 

She nodded smiling. "I'm fine, thank you for saving me.”

I shrugged. "No problem, auntie," I said. "That's what I’m here for."

Sana laughed. "Oh, my dear, you’re so sweet." She said as she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. 

I blushed and she noticed it. "What’s wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing, auntie." I said. "I’m just happy that I could help you."

Sana nodded. "You’re such a good nephew." She admitted. "I don’t know what I would do without you."

I smiled. " Let's go in the water.”  I said. " I need to cool off." 

She nodded. "Me too."  And took off her heels. 

 We walked towards the ocean, hand in hand. The sun was shining and the sea was warm. We walked in the water and I splashed her. She laughed and splashed me back. We started to play in the water and Sana was laughing like a little girl. Her tits bounced up and down as she moved and her hair was wet dripping water. She looked stunning, her skin glistening in the sun, her wet hair plastered against her head. 

After a while we stopped playing and she swam towards me. I felt her body pressed against mine as she hugged me, her tits pressing against my chest. I had a boner and I knew it was visible.

She looked at me and smiled. "I think you need to cool off more." She stated. "Let me help you."

She leaned in to kiss me and I let her do it. She was soft and warm against me, her tits squishing against my chest. She started to move her hips against mine and I could feel her rubbing her pussy against my cock. 

" Oh, auntie.” I moaned. 

She broke the kiss and looked at me with her big brown eyes. "I’m sorry, my dear." She said. "I know I shouldn’t be doing this here."  She looked down at my boner. 

" Let's go home.” She suggested. 

I nodded and we swam back to the shore. We dried ourselves and headed back to the car. As soon as we were in the car, Sana grabbed my face in her hands and started to kiss me. She was hungry and I could tell she wanted me bad. I kissed her back, feeling her tongue on mine, our lips pressed together. She was moaning softly and I could hear the sound of her breathing. 

I broke the kiss. "Let’s get home, auntie." I said.

She nodded and she started to drive. I could see the tension in her body, I gently caressed her naked legs . She was moaning softly and I knew she was enjoying it. I was feeling her skin under my fingers and I could smell her sweet perfume. 

When we arrived at our apartment, she ran inside, dragging me with her. We went straight to her room and we kissed again. She pushed her tongue in my mouth, her lips against mine, her hands roaming my body. She took off her bikini and threw it on the floor, standing in front of me in her thong. I could see her tits bouncing as she moved, her skin glistening in the light. 

I took off my swim trunks too and I stood in front of her in my boxers, my boner visible through the fabric. Sana looked at me and she smiled. "You’re so cute." She said as she took off my boxers too. She grabbed my cock in her hands and started to rub it. 

"Oh, auntie," I moaned. "That feels good."

She smiled again. "I’m glad you like it." She said as she knelt in front of me. 

She took my cock in her mouth and started to suck me. I moaned loudly as I felt her warm mouth on me. Her tongue was swirling around my tip and her hands were rubbing my balls. I could feel her saliva on my skin as she sucked me, making my boner harder and harder. 

 I was moaning softly and I could hear the sound of her breathing. 

After a while she stopped and released my member with a loud pop. Her eyes were fixed on it as she was licking her lips.

 "You taste good, my dear." She said. "I want you now." 

She stood up and pushed me to lie down on her bed. She took off her thong and threw it on the floor.  She was completely naked now, her skin glistening in the light.

Sana climbed on top of me, straddling me. Her tits were dangling in front of my face and I could see her nipples. She grabbed my cock and rubbed on her pussy lips moaning.

" Sana, I gotta tell you I'm a virgin.” I confessed. " I've never been with a woman before.” 

Sana smiled. "Don't worry, I'll be gentle." She asserted as she positioned my member at her entrance and slowly slid it in. 

" Oh, auntie." I moaned. "You’re so tight."

"I know, my dear." She started to move her hips against me.

I moaned loudly as I felt her pussy on my cock. It was warm and wet and it felt good, too good.

My balls tensed up and my orgasm was imminent. 

" Sana I'm about to cum in a matter of seconds." I warned her and she frowned looking disappointed. 

"Already?" She pouted. 

I nodded and she moaned. "Do it then." She said. "Cum inside me."

I did and my body shuddered at the pleasure. " I'm sorry to have come this fast" I stated. 

She smiled. "Don't worry, my dear." She said. " You are new at this. You’ll learn to control your orgasm in time." And she dismounted me snuggling against my body.

" I feel pathetic" I commented. " I haven't lasted even 3 minutes" 

“Indeed, you didn't last a lot, but that was your first time and you're still very young. Don't worry" she reassured me. "And I have enjoyed it." She said as she started to rub my spent cock. 

" Do you mind a very personal question?" I inquired her.  

"Not at all, I'm your auntie and we are naked in the same bed." She giggled. "You can ask me anything." 

I took a deep breath. " I want to know who long lasted the longest sexual intercourse you have ever had with a man?" I questioned. 

Sana laughed. "Oh, my dear. You have asked me the million-dollar question." She replied. "And I’m afraid it will make you feel bad.”

" Go ahead and tell me anyway." I encouraged her.

" Ok, if you insist." She stroked my belly. "I met him at a fashion show a few years ago. He was tall and handsome and he had an amazing body. We started talking and we discovered to have a lot in common.I knew I wanted to have him the first time I saw him." She said with a smile. "And after a week, I finally succeeded in seducing him." 

"And?" I prompted. 

" Well we met in a hotel room and we started making out. We kissed for a while and then he took off my dress. I was wearing a thong and a bra and he took those off too. He was naked too and he had an amazing cock. Long and thick." She said. 

" How long are you talking about compared to mine?" I asked.

" Baby the length is not the most important thing. Trust me." She observed with a smile. "Anyway he was maybe  2 inches longer than you. But not thicker." 

I was getting aroused again as I was listening to her. I grabbed my cock and started to rub it.

" Keep going." I encouraged her. " I'm almost ready to come again." I moaned. 

She laughed. "Oh, my dear, you are so easy to turn on.”

" He was savage. He  threw me on the bed and he was on top of me immediately." She said. "He grabbed my legs and put them on his shoulders and entered me with one thrust." 

" Did you like it?" I asked.

" Oh, yes. I loved it." She admitted. "He was rough but in a good way. He was thrusting in me so hard it was painful but I liked it. Then he switched positions and we did doggy style, I  was on my knees with my ass up in the air and he was fucking me from behind. He fisted my hair, he was fucking me like a beast. He was pounding my pussy like there was no tomorrow." She said. "And then he took me from behind in a standing position with me bent over the bed. I was on my elbows with my tits dangling down and he was fucking me from behind, slamming his cock in me." She said. "And finally in that position he rammed me to fill in, and I felt him squirting inside of me, it was so hot" She moaned. 

I was getting more and more excited listening to her words. I grabbed her tit in my hand and started to squeeze it. I rubbed her nipple with my thumb and she moaned, her eyes were closed and her mouth was open. She was enjoying my touch.

"I know you're ready for me again." She said as she opened her eyes and looked at me.

I nodded. "I am, auntie." I said. "I want you again." I moaned.

She smiled. "Well, come on then." She said. "Fuck me." She said as she opened her legs wide and showed me her pussy. 

"You are so beautiful Sana, so perfect" I praised her while my tongue made its way to her nipple and I licked and bit them softly. She was moaning loudly, her hands holding my hair, pushing my face harder against her tits. 

I could feel her body shivering. " I'm about to cum, baby." She said.

Her body shivered and she came, her juices dripping down her leg. I held her tightly against my body. 

As soon as her climax rode down, I went down her body and started to lick her pussy and her clit. Her moans were echoing in the room. She tasted so sweet and delicious. 

" Baby, baby, you make me feel so good." She acknowledged.

I kept licking her pussy, tasting her juices. Her body was shivering, she was so close to cum. 

" Oh baby, I'm about to cum." She said.

Her body shivered and she came again, her juices soaking my tongue which didn't stop doing its job till the orgasm was over. 

" Best juice ever Sana" I laughed giving her one last swirl to her fold with my tongue.  

I stood up and looked at her. She was so gorgeous, her body was so soft. Her pussy was still dripping with her juices. 

She took my dick in her hand. She rubbed it against her pussy, coating it with her juices. She was so wet.

" Please, fuck me." She said as she took my cock and guided it to her entrance. I moved my body over her and shoved my member in her in one thrust. 

Sana moaned. "Oh baby, you’re so big."

I started to move my hips, thrusting in and out of her. She was so tight and warm. I could feel her pussy walls on my cock, squeezing me tight.

" Oh, baby, fuck me harder." She said as she wrapped her legs around me.

I increased my pace, fucking her harder. I could hear the sound of our skin slapping together. 

" Fuck" She screamed under me and with her nails she dug into my back, her pussy pulsating around me gushing with juices as she came. I felt her juices dripping down her legs.

" Lay on your stomach Sana.” I told her.  

She obeyed, turned around and put her belly on the duvet. 

I hovered over her body and shoved my dick inside her sensitive cunt pounding her faster and faster. 

" Baby slow down, I'm still too sensitive" She begged.  

But I didn't, I was possessed by lust and kept fucking her without any mercy. She tried to crawl away from my pounding but I held her arm still in position. 

" Please baby, please" She pleaded.  

But I didn't give her any break, I kept pounding her like a beast and after a few minutes her body shivered and she came, squirting on my dick.

" F-fuuuuckk" She screamed loudly.  " Oh my god baby, you are splitting me in half" 

 She begged. " I'm about to pass out" 

I increased my speed if possible, my body was reaching its limit. 

"Sana I'm about to cum" I moaned. 

Her pussy was tightening around me, making it impossible to move. Her body was shivering like crazy. 

" Oh shit baby I'm about to cum again" She screamed.

" Fill me up honey" She begged me. " I want to be filled of you." She screamed.

My dick exploded and I felt my seed filling up her womb. I collapsed on her back breathing heavily, panting.

I pulled out of her and lay down on the bed. Sana moved next to me and hugged me tightly. She kissed my lips passionately. 

" I love you, my dear." She said. " You are the best fuck I've ever had." She smiled. 

I smiled back. "I love you too, auntie." I said as I hugged her back. "You’re the best thing that has happened to me."

She smiled.  "I’m glad we found each other." 

The next morning I was wakened up by a fantastic pleasure, Sana was on me sucking my nipples. 

My body was shivering in pleasure.

" Baby I gotta get ready for an event this afternoon so I won't have time to give you more attention than this" And she bit my nipple. 

I was moaning loudly. " It's fine, auntie." I said as I held her face in my hands. "You can always come back to me." I said. 

She smiled and licked my neck. "I will baby, now go get ready." She said as she got up from the bed. 

I got up from the bed too and went to shower. Sana came with me and washed my body. I could feel her hands on me, caressing my skin. I was still hard and I could see her looking at my dick. She was smiling. 

When we were done she went to her dresser and she started to get ready for her event. I sat down on the bed and watched her leave with a plain T-shirt and a pair of joggers. 

I looked at her a bit confused. " The dress is at the office, I'll get ready there with someone to comb my hair and do my makeup" She explained understanding my confusion.

" I understand" I nodded. "Have fun at the event." 

" I'll have more fun once I'm home" Sana kissed me goodbye and left.  

The day was mostly uneventful till around 9 pm when Sana got home. 

I was sitting on the sofa when I heard the front door opening. 

" Do not turn around" She ordered me. Her high heels clacked on the wood floor. 

" Baby close your eyes" She ordered again. I did as I was told. I heard her heels clacking on the floor and soon she was in front of me. I could feel her body heat against mine.

" Open your eyes." She said.

I opened my eyes and I saw that she was wearing a gold dress that barely covered her body. Her legs were naked displayed in full glory and the heels were shining. Her make-up was light making her seem like a doll. 

Her gaze was magnetic and stuck on me. I started to shiver, her beauty tonight was on another level. 

"Auntie you are mesmerizing tonight" I complimented her.  

" Do you want me to model for you?" She asked me. I obviously nodded.  She moved around me in a slow circle, displaying herself in full glory. Her dress was so short I could see the lines of her ass.

Sana started to do her catwalk like she was on the runway,  she was walking towards the dining table positioned in front of the Tokyo Tower window, and she was swaying her hips with each step. Her dress was fluttering with the movement, displaying more of her body with each step. I was salivating just looking at her.

When she reached the dining table she put one heel on it and bent down with her leg on the table and the other on the ground, and her ass was facing me, displayed for me to see.  She had a thong on and her cheeks were full and round, making me want to bite them. 

" I know you like them." She said as she moved her hips and wiggled her butt in front of me. "Don't you?" She asked

I didn't respond but dashed towards her kneeling down and I showered with kisses on her milky legs, liking every inch of them. I was biting her skin lightly. 

She moaned. "Oh, baby, I'm loving this.” She said as she bent her knees slightly to give me access to her pussy. I moved my tongue up her leg until I reached her pussy and started to lick her folds.

"Oh, baby, that feels so good." She said. "Keep doing it." 

I kept licking her pussy until her juices dripped down her leg. I could see she was ready.

I stood up and took off my joggers and boxers, my cock was already hard. 

I grabbed Sana in my arms holding her tight, her body was so soft and warm to drive me crazy, I began kissing her collarbone, my lips were trailing down her skin and she was moaning softly. I bit her neck, I wanted to make sure that she knew it was me who was claiming her. I started to suck her neck, leaving hickeys on her skin. I could feel her body trembling in my arms.

" Oh baby, you're so hot when you're rough." She said. "I love it." 

She wrapped her legs around my waist and I could feel her pussy on my cock. She rubbed her pussy on my cock moaning. She was so wet that she was dripping on my balls. 

"I'm ready for you." She said. "Fuck me." She demanded.

" Hold your horses, I just started" I responded. 

My mouth connected with hers, our tongues were swirling together, I was holding her tight and she had her legs around my waist. 

I broke the kiss. " Bend over the table." I ordered her.

She did as she was told and bent over the table, her ass facing me. I could see her thong between her ass cheeks. I started to rub my cock against her pussy, making her moan softly. Her pussy was wet and hot and my cock was throbbing in desire. I pulled down her thong and up her dress, rubbed my cock on her pussy lips and then I thrust in her. She moaned loudly.

" Oh, baby, you’re so big." She gasped. "You fill me up so good."

" I'm gonna be sorry just from now, I will not hold back anything on you tonight Sana" I warned her.  

"Oh baby, that's what I want." She moaned. "I want you to fuck me hard and fast, to pound my pussy like there is no tomorrow."

I increased my pace, fucking her harder. She was moaning loudly, her body shaking as I moved my hips.

" Fuck" She screamed. "You're so good, baby. You know exactly what I want." She asserted as she came on my dick. Her pussy was squirting all over the table, her juices dripping down her legs.

I kept pounding her until I felt her second orgasm approaching, her walls were tightening around my cock, her body shivering. I increased my speed even more and pounded her like a wild animal. 

" Oh shit baby I'm about to cum again" She screamed. " Fuck me harder baby, please" She begged. 

I pounded her harder slamming my balls on her ass at every single thrust. My thumb motioned on her ass crack and dove in. She was screaming louder now, her body shivering even more. 

" F-fuuckk" She screamed louder. Her womb flooded with her juice drenching  my balls. Her pussy walls were pulsating around my cock and I felt it exploding, spilling my seed inside her womb. 

Her body shook under me and her juices flooded again my dick, I was still pounding her. 

" I'm about to pass out, baby, stop" She pleaded. I stopped and pulled out, I carried her on my arms till the window in front of the Tokyo Tower and made her stand up.  She was shaking and her legs were trembling. 

" I'm not done with you yet" I whispered in her ear as I grabbed her wrists behind her back. "Open your legs, baby, I'm gonna claim you as mine." I said. 

She opened her legs for me and bent a little forward, her tits dangling in front of the glass and she was looking at me with desire. I grabbed my cock and rubbed it on her pussy and then I thrusted in her again bottoming out.

" Oooohhh shit baby I'm about to come again" she moaned.

" I want you to" I whispered in her ear. "Cum on my dick baby, show me what a good girl you are for me." I ordered. 

Her body shuddered and her pussy started to squirt again on my dick, her juices dripping down her legs. I could hear her breathing heavily. 

" Oh baby, you make me feel so good" She said.

" I fucking love you Sana" I groaned as fucked her widely holding her body with one arm and playing with her clit with the other. 

I could see her reflection in the window and she was stunning, her tits were dangling down and her hair was messy. 

" Oh shit baby I'm about to cum again" She cried. Her pussy gushed out again and her body shuddered. 

" Finish me honey, I can't resist any much longer." Her legs were trembling.

I grabbed a fistful of her hair pulling her head back. " Beg me to cum in you." I demanded. 

" Please baby, fill me up. I want to be yours." She moaned. 

I pinned her against the window, releasing her hair, and pounded her furiously. My head was near hers sucking her beautiful neck.

 She was moaning in pleasure.

" You are mine Sana, all mine, your pussy is mine to fuck, your ass is mine to pound." I whispered in her ear.

" Yes baby, I am all yours." She moaned. 

Her body shivered and she came again, her pussy squirting on my cock and I could feel her walls tightening around me. My cock exploded inside her, filling her womb with my seed. 

" F-fuuuckk" she screamed again. " Baby you're filling me up again" 

We were stuck like this, me holding her in place, my cock inside her and my cum dripping from her pussy. 

We broke the kiss and I pulled out of her, my seed spilling out of her pussy on the floor. We collapsed on the floor, panting. She was holding my hand in hers.

" I love you too." She said. "You make me feel things that no one has ever made me feel." She said.

I smiled and I kissed her. "I love you too, auntie." I said.

She smiled and she kissed me back. "You’re the best thing that has happened to me." She stated.

“ From now on you are just gonna call me Sana, I’m your girlfriend.” Sana whispered. “We will do what we like, honey.”

[blissfullyecho]

how to study + become a better college student

*i’m in nursing school for reference*

before classes/school:

#1. eat a good, hearty breakfast. i cannot concentrate when i’m hungry because i think about lunch or having a snack. i like to carb up for breakfast (carbs give you energy) and have things like pancakes, french toast, bagels, etc., as well as protein (because that keeps you full) like eggs, turkey bacon, yogurt, etc. i like to take a green powder or a multivitamin during this time to give my body what it needs so that i can function for the rest of the day too.

#2. i always bring water with me to class so that i can concentrate and not think about how thirsty i am. it’s super important to stay hydrated so come prepared.

#3. i know the lesson plan and what’s going to be talked about each day, and if your classes are run like that too, read the chapter or look over whatever it is you’re going to look over today in class to give you a general idea of what you’re going to learn today. this will help you feel like you’re one step ahead (which you are).

#4. wake up early enough to be relaxed in the morning. every time i didn’t perform my best in school was when i woke up and immediately rushed to get ready for class and not took the time to allow myself to ‘wake up’. your mornings should be chill, not a race against the clock.

during classes/school:

#1. actually jot down notes— do not rely on just using your phone to take pictures of the board/powerpoint. when you write your notes down, you get a chance to get that information stuck in your head. what i do if my instructor goes too fast on the powerpoints is: i take a picture of the powerpoint, then i write down what she/he says, then when i get home i rewrite what i took a picture of and the notes that i took in class (i’ll talk about this later).

#2. ask questions— who cares if you’re shy or whatever. asking questions will allow you to be more engaged and it shows your professors/instructors/teachers that you actually care (and they might even bump some grades up for you if you show you’ve taken initiative and tried). every question you ask, write your question down and their response in your notes. i’m telling you, this has helped so much and it gives you such a good look.

#3. use your lunch break for what it is— a break. 30 minutes isn’t a lot of time for an 8 hour day so actually rest and enjoy your lunch during this time. you need a chance to reset.

#4. if you can, always ask to review your tests with your professors/instructors. see what you got wrong and talk it through with them. in nursing school, we generally aren’t able to see what we got wrong on our exams and tests without our professor being there to review them with us. please do this.

#5. use a 1 subject notebook for each class and have pens/pencils that you only use for class. your notes in class should be legible but not super pretty. make your notes pretty at home, not in class.

#6. when taking a test, go over the questions and answers before turning in. there have been so many times i read a question too quickly and changed my answer and i ended up being correct when i looked it over again. don’t make those dumb mistakes.

#7. befriend the other students who do really well in the class. seriously, this will save you.

after classes/school:

#1. when you get home from school, unwind for an hour. take a shower, go to the gym, do whatever you want to do to allow yourself to relax and unwind. you need to take another break after school to regroup and to find a little bit of balance.

#2. review the notes you took in class that day and the pictures you took of the board, and rewrite your notes in a different notebook. so i suggest 2 notebooks for each class— one for your sloppy in-class notes and another for your pretty and organized notes. rewriting your notes will allow your brain to help retain that information.

#3. spend some time each day after rewriting your notes to watch a few videos on youtube about that topic. for nursing school, i like to look at 1-3 videos about what we’re learning to get a wider understanding.

#4. on the weekends, i like to spend 1-2, sometimes 3 hours each day reviewing everything i learned that week. i will watch more videos, i will read over my notes, and i will also create flashcards with my own practice questions in regards to the notes i take and quiz myself with those cards.

[hanjisungsbiwife]

10:39pm

Choi San x Reader

Warnings: swearing (only once I think), mentions of reader having periods, San being the best bf

Summary: life sucks but at least you have San to make it better

A/N: omg it’s been like 2 years since I’ve written a fic…WHOOPS

The day sucked, or for a more accurate description, the days sucked.

Every day for the past month has been a nonstop cycle of waking up, going to work at your full time job for eight hours, coming home and doing university work until dinner (sometimes forgetting to even eat), and then work until you pass out. Endless quizzes and essays and math notes that went on for ten pages.

The only good constant in your life was San. The guy has been there for you all throughout this crappy process. Always providing shoulder rubs when you got tense, checking in to see if you’ve eaten, leaving cups of water on your work table even if you didn’t notice until you got parched an hour later.

Right now you were trying to write an essay for your geography class. The time was now twenty minutes past six o’clock and right on schedule was your time to stress. Your legs were crossed underneath you, your laptop and notes spread out covering the coffee table in front of you. You were wearing one of San’s hoodies, specifically the gray one that he unwillingly gave to you. The one that he used to wear all the time but since you came around you adopted it as yours. You’ve worn it so much so that it started to have your scent on it rather than San’s.

The tv across from you softly played your playlist as you tried to focus. The pain coming from your stomach didn’t help. That’s just what you needed this week too. The moment you woke up you knew.

You heard the apartment door creak open “Sweetheart,” San called out, “I’m home.”

You were in too much pain to even greet him. He took his shoes off by the door and furrowed his eyebrows. “Sweetheart?”

He walked over to you and saw how you were bent over, studying and in pain. He knew when you were hurting. He sat next to you on the couch and wrapped his arms around you. Your body naturally sunk into him and he smiled softly. “That time again?”

You nodded against his chest. He softened his voice. “You doing okay?” Again, you silently shook your head. It was as if you could feel his smile sink. “Have you eaten today?” he asked.

“Only coffee this morning and an apple when I got home,” you croaked out.

“Baby, that’s not food.”

You sat up. “Knowledge is brain food,” you half-heartedly joked as you tapped your pencil on your forehead.

“Okay,” he laughed, “now you’re being delirious.” San stood from the couch holding his hand out. You looked at him and blinked, wondering what in the world was he doing. “C’mon. Let’s go get food.”

“Sannie,” you sighed, “there’s just too much to do. I can’t just up and leave when there’s notes to take and I have to finish this essay by next class meet and not to mention the-”

You felt his lips softly press against your own. “Take a break, my love. You’re overworking yourself again.” He pulled you up and stood you against his body, enveloping you into a hug worth of awards. “I’ll take you to that small Italian place you like so much and we can even bring it back here and watch your show. How does that sound?”

“It sounds like I would be missing a lot of work,” you mumbled into his chest.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“Fine,” you groaned. You moved to grab your phone. “But only if you promise me cheesecake.”

He laughed at your antics. “Honey, that was always the plan.”

He took your hand and didn’t let go the entire walk to the car. Even when he started driving, his hand was on your thigh. There was not a moment when his hand wasn’t touching you.

Flash forward to the apartment, pasta containers on the table instead of the notes, your laptop put away to charge for the night. The show you and San started together played before you, a show that you’ve both seen numerous times, but it was your show. You looked at San as he watched the tv. He was dressed in his own hoodie and sweats. His black hair lay in front of his eyes; you loved it when his hair grew out. You smiled to yourself thinking how lucky you were for him.

He turned his eyes to you. “What?” he smiled.

“Nothing,” you said, “just looking at you.”

“Okay, creep,” he laughed as he set his bowl down and opened his arms for you. You gladly accepted and laid there for a minute, taking in the moment. You squeezed his waist a bit tighter and in turn your stomach did the same.

“Jesus Christ,” you sucked through your teeth. Of course it would act up when you were in your best moment.

“Jagi,” San started to move, “get up for a sec.”

“Wait-no, I just wanna lay here,” you protested.

“Trust me, sweetheart.” He laid down facing the tv and made room for you to lay your back against his chest. When you were settled, you felt his hand come under your hoodie and lay on your stomach, rubbing small circles into your skin.

“I love you, Sannie, so much.”

You felt his lips against your forehead. “I love you always, sweetheart.”

[guess-my-next-obsession]

A Warm Bed

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

rating: E (18+ only, mature descriptions of death/apocalyptic life, blurry infidelity, unprotected PIV, dirty talk, cum play i guess, unedited/proofread bc I REFUSE)

word count: 3.4k

joel masterlist

It was freezing out today in Boston but you didn’t notice, not with the flames that burned beside you as you hoisted dead child after dead child into the makeshift mass crematorium. Ash turned your hair grey, hiding away it’s natural color until you’d shower it off later on tonight, and even then it would never completely go away, just like the smell of burning flesh would never fully leave your nostrils.

This hadn’t been the life you imagined for yourself as a child before the outbreak. You always thought you’d go into something that helped people—teaching, nursing, maybe even social work—but life couldn’t have turned out more different. Joel, your work partner, assured you once after a particularly tough shift that in a way, you were helping people. You struggled to believe it.

“Take your break,” Joel approached you, swatting your hip lightly with the back of his gloved hand as you stood watching the little girl no older than five burn in the pit, unable to take your eyes off the destruction you had a hand in causing. “Hey,” he called firmer, finally pulling your eyes from the scene, “Go take a break.”

“Can’t,” you sighed, pointing behind him at the new truck of arrivals, Joel’s head shaking just enough for you to notice it before he brought his eyes back to yours. You spotted something deeply apologetic in them, Joel having graced you with a rare bit of empathy as he studied you. “Shifts almost over anyways. Let’s just hurry up and get this truck cleared so we can all go home.”

“You’re cryin’,” he pointed out, almost angry.

“It’s the wind,” you snapped back at him as the truck backed up towards the two of you. “Come on.”

You and Joel worked more efficiently than any other duo on cremation duty, Joel’s strength and ability to shut off his emotions at will pairing excellently with your speed and determination to get the job over with. He handled the adults, you the children—it was a system that you had down pat. Two hours and at least six more trucks later, the two of you were off.

Usually, you’d go one way and Joel would go the opposite, the two of you never really interacting with each other outside of work except when you had to. He had Tess for that, and you had…well, you had yourself.

But today, Joel stuck beside you, walking with you as you left the payout line after your shift. He said nothing as he joined you through town, his shoulder grazing yours every now and then as he moved over to let someone pass on the sidewalk.

“Gotta stop and get some bread,” you announced, pointing at the general store you were approaching. Joel nodded, his eyes flickering to you.

“Should stop and get somethin’ to eat myself.” You found his company to be both strange and comforting. Joel always made you feel safe, or at least as safe as someone living in a world this unpredictable and cruel could feel.

Walking inside, he followed you as you perused the aisles, your brain working as quickly as it could to work out the cheapest plan for dinner given the throbbing headache you were dealing with from the fumes and smoke.

“Pasta,” he suggested with a point of his finger, seemingly reading your mind. “Always my go to.”

“I do have some canned tomatoes.” You reached for the loose spaghetti noodles sitting in a plastic bin in the shelf and took a guess at how much you’d need to feed you, not wanting to spend more than you absolutely needed to.

“Why don’t you come over and we can share it,” he suggested, albeit shyly. You gave him a quirked eyebrow and he rolled his eyes. “I’ll split the bill.”

“So Tess eats for free?” You chuckled and shook your head. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Tess, you just resented her for having everything you ever wanted: someone to come home to, someone to make living in this dark world worth all the strife.

“Tess is out on a run,” he informed, his tone betraying him and exposing his loneliness. “Won’t be back for a few days.”

Did he want you to be his mistress? Though you admittedly were desperate for even a semblance of affection, you were no home-wrecker. Especially not Tess’s home.

“Joel, I hope you’re not—“

“I didn’t mean it like that, I just…” He shook his head and mumbled, “Forget it.”

Feeling overwhelmed by your own need for company and the pained look in his eye, you sighed, reaching one hand over to touch his shoulder.

“Sure. Let’s share.”

“Knock, knock,” you called as you pushed open the door to Joel’s apartment, having only been there once before to his flask that he’d left at work by mistake.

“Come in,” Joel’s indifferent rasp welcomed you.

“Brought some beers, too.” You gave him an unsure smile as you watched him buzz around his kitchen, a pot boiling the pasta from earlier while he tended to the sauce in another pan.

“Thank you,” he gave you a flicker of a smile as you set one of the beers on the counter beside him.

“Got a bottle opener?” You knew the answer to that was clear from the amount of beer bottles in his trash can, but didn’t want to snoop around for it without his consent.

“Yeah,” he left the stove and walked over to a drawer, pulling out the metal tool and handing it over to you so that you could open yours first.

“Ran into your brother on my way over,” you announced, watching as he scoffed and rolled his eyes. “He’s getting in deep with Marlene’s group, huh?”

“I told him to stay far away from all that,” he scolded you as though it was your doing. “Boy don’t listen for shit.”

“Just saw them hanging three Fireflies yesterday,” you lamented with a shake of your head. You weren’t sure if you bought into the group’s ideology, and you especially weren’t a fan of their methods for going about change, but you knew they didn’t deserve to be executed.

“Yeah, well, if you see Tommy up there, do me a favor and keep it to yourself.” Joel walked back to the stove and kept his eyes focused on the food, a silence falling over the two of you for a while.

“Thanks,” you finally spoke as Joel set your plate down in front of you at his tiny dining table before seating himself in front of you.

“You doin’ alright?” he asked in between bites, his eyes now seemingly unable to look anywhere else but directly into yours. You felt flushed at the attention he was showing you, but tried to pay it little mind.

“Yeah, I’m…fine,” you lied. “Just waiting for my own Tess to come along, I guess.”

“Tess and I aren’t Romeo and Juliet for fucks sake,” he lowered his eyes to his plate and spun his fork around to collect the pasta. “Just two people.”

“Yeah, but at least there’s someone,” you argued. “When I go home…it’s just me and my cold bed.”

“Believe it or not, but my bed gets cold too.” There was something in his voice tonight, something that hadn’t ever been there before, or at least not that you’d noticed. Your eyes locked and you felt something stir inside of you that both thrilled you and filled you with immense guilt.

Of course the one person in Boston you wanted to get into bed with was taken.

Not knowing what to say, you let out an airy chuckle and looked down at your nearly empty plate, missing the way Joel eyed you like a man on a mission.

“Look if you’re worried about Tess,” he started, sitting back in his chair and stretching his legs out underneath the table. “Don’t be.”

“Oh yeah? Would Tess say the same?” You lifted your eyes only to be punched in the gut by his rugged handsomeness. Working with him as long as you had had conditioned you to his above-average looks, seeing him dirty and covered in ash everyday made it easier to pretend he was just like every other man in town, but with him clean, sitting in front of you, having just cooked you a meal, and now nearly begging you to consider sharing a bed with him tonight? It wasn’t so easy.

“Tess and I ain’t—,” he started, pausing to let out a soft sigh. “We both have gone outside of this…before. Her more than me, but that’s ‘cause I’m not much for all that.”

“You and Tess are open?” you asked in amused disbelief, having never imagined the couple in their fifties, although neither of them looked too old by any means, spreading their love throughout the zone.

“I didn’t say that.” He tapped his fingers on the table. “Just said it happens.”

“Joel, I don’t want Tess at my door,” you sighed, finding it harder and harder to stick to your morals the longer he stared at you.

“She won’t,” he promised. “Besides, I ain’t asking for—look, I’m just offerin’ a warm bed. That’s all.”

“Just a warm bed?” You hated that that disappointed you.

“Just a warm bed.”

You knew the minute you curled up next to him that tonight wouldn’t simply be about staying warm together or keeping each other company. The ache between your thighs was incessant as you rested your head on his chest, his natural scent that might have been considered musky pre-outbreak sent you reeling. It had been years since you felt another person’s warmth this way, let alone a man. You found yourself moving closer and closer, tossing your leg over his and hugging your arm around his waist to soothe the building desire for more. Joel didn’t seem to mind.

“Here—“ He shifted onto his side, pulling you flush against his body. Your leg rested over his hip, his thigh planted firmly between yours as he gave you space to bury your face in his neck. “Better?”

“Joel—“ you exhaled shakily, not sure you even wanted to finish the thought. Joel pulled back just enough to look into your eyes, both of you staring at each other in silence for a few tense seconds before he started to lean in. His lips simply grazed yours, not even molding with yours yet, but he managed to pull a needy moan out of you.

“Sweet thing,” he cooed, kissing his way across your chin, his beard scratching at your skin and his lips pressing against your pulse. “How long has it been?”

“Years,” you confessed breathily, your eyes closed as you allowed yourself to enjoy the feeling of his lips against your skin, the heat of his palms as they ran up and down your side, the increase of pressure of his thigh against your core.

“That’s too damn long,” he husked in a mumble as he rolled you onto your back, his warmth never leaving you as he rolled right on top of you.

“You’re sure—“ Your words were interrupted by his hips pressing into yours, the barrier of your clothes doing little to prevent you from feeling him. “Fuck, you’re sure Tess won’t kill me for this?”

“I’m sure,” he soothed, pressing his lips to yours finally, one arm holding him up while his other hand slid up your side, dragging your sweater up with it. “This somethin’ you want?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, lacing your fingers in his salt and pepper waves. “I think it’s something I need.”

“I need you too,” he confessed, sitting back on his ankles so that he could look at you spread out beneath him. Even covered in your dingy, well-worn winter clothes, Joel devoured the sight of you unabashedly, his hands roaming from your sides down to your hips and to your thighs as they spread to give his hips room to fit. “Been imagining’ this for years now.”

“Yeah right,” you chuckled a scoff, rolling your eyes.

“Don’t matter if you think I’m lyin’,” he replied, his hands sliding the hem of your sweater up until he was lifting it over your head. “I know I’m tellin’ the truth.”

You wanted to believe that all these years Joel had harbored a desire for you, but the concept just seemed too unrealistic, too fantastical to be true.

“Look at you,” he praised, hands smoothing over the long-untouched skin of your stomach until he was cupping your breasts through your worn-out bra, his eyes exposing his reverence.

“You’re good at flattery,” you teased as you tried not to let yourself read too much into his praise. Just a warm bed. That’s all this was.

Joel said nothing. Instead, he lowered his lips to your sternum, kissing every inch of you he could reach as he slid your bra straps down your shoulders before reaching underneath your arched back to pop the hooks undone.

He looked like a crazed man as he took in the sight of your bare breasts, a subtle growl slipping from his lips as he leaned down to capture one of your nipples in his mouth, the feeling of his tongue swirling around the sensitive bud causing you to buck your hips up against his.

“Take these off,” he ordered, tugging on your belt loops as he pulled himself away from you to stand up off the bed and strip himself.

You struggled with your jeans as you tried not to miss a moment of watching him shed his layers, your hands shaking as they fought with the rigid denim at your ankles before finally freeing yourself. Joel nearly pounced on you as his eye caught a glimpse of the wet patch on your underwear, his hips fitting between your open thighs as he covered your naked body with his own, his cock prodding at your covered mound as he kissed you breathless.

Nothing about him was graceful, nothing about him was tender, but you didn’t want him any other way. You needed to feel his desire for you, to feel how animalistic your body turned him. His rough palms and scratchy beard burned your skin, and you found yourself hoping you’d feel him for weeks to come.

“Can I taste you?” he asked against your pulse as he littered your neck with tiny marks, society far past caring about scandalous things like that.

“Only if you want,” you answered, having never actually experienced a man going down on you before. Joel sat back on his ankles and gave you a wicked half-smirk, his calloused thumb stroking over your kiss-swollen bottom lip.

“Trust me,” he rasped. “Been thinkin’ about licking you clean since the moment I met you.”

“And yet you never thought to tell me,” you teased, your cheeks heating from his confession.

“You’re at least half my age, sweet thing,” he reasoned as he kissed down your stomach until he was laying between your open thighs. “Never thought you’d want an old man like me in your bed.”

“You need to get your eyes checked, Miller,” you brushed his hair out of his face as he slid your panties off. “You’re beautiful.”

“For an old man?”

“For any man.” Joel turned tender for a moment and met your eyes, his hands that were gripping your thighs now rubbing softly.

“You’re too good for this place,” he murmured as he leaned in, licking a broad strip up your cunt and flicking the tip of his tongue over your clit. Your back arched off the bed from the jolts of pleasure, your reaction earning you another smile.

“You asking me to—oh—to run away with you, Miller?” you asked between his sloppy laps at your cunt, his tongue feeling better than you could have ever dreamed it up to be.

“I ain’t that crazy,” he husked, voice thick with arousal before he dived back in.

Joel ate you out like a man starved, even though he’d just cooked you the best dinner you’d had in a while. You wanted to run your hands through his hair, to watch him as he shed a layer of himself for you, but you controlled yourself.

“Fuck,” he hummed as his tongue flicked at your swollen bud until your thighs were shaking around his face. “You gonna cum on my tongue, baby?”

Your eyes were squeezed shut but you pried them open to look down at him, nodding furiously. Joel grinned and sucked your clit, the tiny change in pace sending you over the cliffs of bliss without much warning.

“Shit,” you choked out, body shaking and spasming from the first orgasm you’d had in a long time. Joel kept licking at you, but he was soft, gentle, tender.

“You taste like heaven, you know that?” he rasped as he kissed his way up your body until he was sharing your taste with you with his tongue down your throat. You could only mewl and grab at him as he held himself up with one arm and used his other to guide his cock up and down your slick center. “Bet you feel like heaven, too. Can I?”

“Take whatever you need from me, Joel. I’m yours tonight,” you promised, still stuck in a post-climactic haze. Joel moaned as he stuck the tip of his cock inside of you, just enough for you to feel him. “Don’t tease—

“M’not teasin’, just don’t wanna hurt you.” Joel waited a beat before inching in a bit more, his brows screwing up in pleasure. “Also don’t wanna finish as fast as I think I am.”

“I don’t care,” you cooed, drunk on him being only halfway inside of you and still showing up every man you’d ever slept with. “You have all night to impress me.”

“I haven’t already?” he asked, tone hinting at playfulness but it went missed by you as the tip of his cock prodded at something blinding inside of you. “Fuck, that’s it, ain’t it?” He thrust against the spot proudly, a smirk growing on his otherwise wrecked face. “Flutterin’ against me every time I hit it.”

“Joel, fuck,” you whined, gripping him by the neck and pulling him down for a kiss.

He rested on his elbows, your thighs draped high over his waist as he rocked into you deep and purposefully until you were seeing stars.

“So tight,” he panted in your ear. “So warm. Fuck, you are heaven, ain’t ya?”

“Joel, your cock is so fucking—“ He stole every ounce of coherency from you as he sat back on his heels and pressed your thighs against your chest. With an open jaw and blurry vision, you cried out for him, his thrusts growing harder and more brutal with every plea for more that slipped from your lips.

“God damn—“

“Joel, I’m gonna—“

“Come on, baby. Let me have it.” Joel snarled from the exertion it was taking to fuck you into bliss, but he showed no signs of stopping, his firm hands gripping your thighs to keep them pressed to your chest.

“Oh my god,” you slurred as you entered euphoria for the second time, this time being washed over in it like a cleansing. A sinful, lustful, dirty cleansing.

“Yes!” he growled, grinning with pride. “So fuckin’ good for me. Gonna cum, too. That what you want baby?”

You nodded through your daze. “In my mouth.”

“Jesus—“ he choked on his approval and pulled out of you to crawl over to where your head rested on the pillow, his fist stroking his cock all the while. You opened your eyes, stuck your tongue out, and with a smile you pushed him over the edge. He moaned without care for his volume as his cum painted your tongue, face, and chest with every drop of what he had to offer.

“Mm,” you hummed as you cleaned some of the mess off your chest with your finger and sucked it off. Joel crumbled into the bed against you, his lips cheek against your shoulder while he recovered. “That was nice for just a warm bed.”

“Yeah,” he huffed out a chuckle. “I could…give you a warm bed another time…if you’d like.”

“Well, it is going to be a long winter. Might as well stay warm when I can.” You rolled your head to the side to watch him, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheek as he laid there with his eyes closed, half asleep. “Goodnight, Joel. And…thank you.”

No response came, his snores signaling he was already lost in dreamland. With a content sigh, you stood up and walked into his bathroom to clean yourself off and get dressed.

You didn’t stay in the warmth of his bed that night, or any night thereafter, but you did come back. Over and over again, you came back.

[starboybutler]

Chasing Cars

ao3 link

summary: bucky can't find a reason to get out of bed anymore. gale comes to him one night, and he's reminded of why he's fighting.

word count: 6451

warnings: bucky's crumbling mental health, gale's crumbling mental health, curt's death, slight eating disorders, depressive episodes, smut towards the end

notes: wow this was supposed to be pure smut but i accidentally plotted on my porn because i felt like being sad. oh well have this kinda character study thing i wrote purely on a whim

bucky hadn't left the bed.

he couldn't find a reason to. the rest of the men were outside, gathering wood. training, doing god knows what else to prepare for a plan that would never play out. after some brits had made their escape attempt, the amount of german pricks on duty almost doubled. that, and morale had pretty much gone down after they had said the captured escapees were executed. no one even wanted to make an attempt anymore.

they could talk about escape all they wanted to– it would never happen. they would try, fail, get shot, and get buried somewhere on enemy territory. hell, odds were good that if they waited it out the same thing would happen. so why bother?

he had been staring at the wooden slats of the bunk above him for about an hour, now. this felt familiar, at least. as he lay here, he could pretend he was back in base between missions, talking to curt about whatever was going on in their muddled brains.

“it was a close one today. don't want anymore missions like that for a while.”

“that's just how it is, bucky. they’ll only get tougher, y’know. but i think we got it.”

“yeah?”

“yeah. i’ll be tellin’ my grandkids about this one day, y’know. don't seem like it now, but i promise it’ll be a distant memory soon.”

always so optimistic. that was one of the last late-night conversations he had ever had with curt before he went down. he never even got to say goodbye to him. he’ll never forget the pure dread he felt when he asked buck about him, and he didn't have an answer.

sure, bucky could have believed he was alive with every fiber of his being, but that didn't change the fact that curt was dead, crashed somewhere over unknown territory, most likely to never be found.

so much pain, so much death. and for what, he would wonder. what was he really fighting for anymore?

“hey,”

a soft, low voice, like honey. all too familiar.

he looked up, faced with gale, who was just about the only friend he had left at this point. even then, he felt as if buck was slipping from his grasp at times. tensions were high, and he had yelled at him more than he would like to admit.

just yesterday, they got into it outside. john was at fault, he absolutely deserved the punch to the face gale gave him, but neither of them had spoken to one another afterwards. john was never good witth apologies.

“hey,” he said back, the bruise on his cheek left by the blonde throbbing dully as he made eye contact with him for the first time since their scuffle.

“you just gonna lay here all day?” gale asked, his tone not angry or accusatory– just soft and genuinely curious, laced with just a tinge of worry.

“that's the plan,” he replied, shrugging. “nothin’ else to do. unless you wanna punch me again.”

gale stiffened a bit, his lips twitching as if he were trying to find the right thing to say, before he just sighed heavily.

“i’m worried about you.”

bucky shut his eyes, a sigh of his own escaping his chest.

“i know.”

it fell quiet between them. john had closed his eyes so that he couldn't see gale’s sad baby blue’s boring into him, urging him to roll over and show him his most vulnerable parts like a dog begging for attention. for pity.

he knew gale was worried. he knew it before their fight, and he knew it now. gale wasn't an idiot. far from it, actually. he was intelligent and observant, which was why he was such a damn good pilot. he saw john’s pain before john felt it. he saw it in how john would lash out at anyone that looked at him wrong, and how he would toss and turn in his sleep at night.

“you haven't eaten in a few days.”

“i know,” bucky said again. he couldn't bear to imagine gale’s expression. “i’m tired of the same shit. if i see another potato i’ll puke.”

“bucky.” gale hissed, voice urgent. “i’m being serious.”

“so am i.”

he hadn't eaten in about three days. ever since his last serving of the same bland bullshit, he decided he would rather starve than touch it again. so what, if he lost a little weight? that seemed to be the least of his problems right now.

he didn't care anymore. he just didn't care if he withered away inside this stalag surrounded by his men. that seemed to be the most honorable thing to do at this point- because at least then he'd be around people that knew him, and celebrated him. he'd rather die here and now, miserable, than drag it out and die alone in enemy territory with no one around.

“okay, bucky.” gale mumbled, clearly on edge already and not in the mood to argue. “just…i’ll be outside with everyone else. you should eat some dinner tonight.”

the blonde stalked off, expression and gaze steely and distant as bucky rolled back onto his side, facing the wall and sighing tiredly.

night rolled around and he didn't drag himself out of bed for dinner. he couldn't. the urge to eat, to get up and walk and be active wasn't there. his will to survive had vanished.

gale wasn't the only one worried about him. he heard everyone muttering to one another behind his back as they ate the slop that was served to them half-heartedly.

‘he doesn't look good at all.’

‘i know. when’s the last time he left his bunk?’

‘hush and eat. he can probably hear you.’

bucky didn't care what they were saying. whatever it was, it was probably true. maybe word around the stalag was that major john egan was a spineless, worthless, gutless piece of shit that gave up on everyone around him when they needed him most. harsh, yes, but not necessarily wrong. john was acutely aware of how him laying in this bed, rotting for days on end was selfish to his men. he knew that they were looking to him for guidance, and all he was giving them was a depressing display of self pity.

his mind drifted back to curt. he would always tell bucky that he was one of the strongest and most resilient people he had ever met, and how he would give anything to be as half as stubborn as him.

bucky always shot back that stubborn didn't necessarily mean good, but curt refused to see him in a bad light under any circumstances.

“i got you a bowl.”

gale’s voice. he glanced over his shoulder, gazing at the metal dish that gale was holding in his direction. same meal they'd been served for the last few months. the rumbling in his stomach wasn't even a bother to him anymore.

“thanks buck,” he hummed, turning to face the wall once more. “but i’m not hungry.”

silence fell over the room, tense at bucky’s blatant refusal of the food gale offered. he heard a short sigh from his friend, as well as a scuffing of his shoe against the floor as he turned on his heel and walked away.

he felt his stomach sink with guilt, but he really wasn't hungry. what was the point of eating, prolonging his survival when he would most likely die in the very bunk he was laying in? the thought made his appetite disappear.

he pulled the thin, scratchy blankets they were given over himself, clutching it in his hands tightly as if it were the only thing keeping him tethered to this reality.

honestly, it might have been.

𓆩✧𓆪

days and days passed him by. he wasn't able to shake the dread that had begun eating at him days ago. in fact, it seemed to have consumed him whole by this point. he only left the bed when he was instructed to by those goddamn guards, or when he had to use the bathroom. he didn't get up for food, water, to exercise, to speak to friends, nothing. he was not interested but a shell of the outgoing, confident man he used to be.

gale had kept trying to get him to leave his bunk, or to at least put some food in his system. he would bring a plate of food for him every night, and bucky would refuse it all the same. he would tell him that the others were asking for him, but bucky just brushed it off. if they were really worried, they knew where to find him.

only a few other men besides gale came to check on him during the day, hambone being one of them. he started talking about how different things were without him around. it was quiet, and no one really liked it all that much. they missed his snarky comments about the german guards and how he would shit talk them all day. that got a little smile lut of him, he had to admit that. what got him feeling serious again was when hambone started talking about how gale was taking his absence.

“he’s been quiet. way quieter than normal.” he said, voice dropping low. “only says one or two words to everyone before…he just shuts down. goes into autopilot. it's not really like him.”

and he was right. after he had said that he kept think about gale, how he was probably out there with god knows how much on his mind, and for bucky to only be adding to that…

what was he doing?

was he really causing buck that much distress? the thought made his stomach sink with guilt. gale already had so much on his mind, and for bucky to act like a petulant child and add onto all of that stress and anxiety and pain he’s been bearing for the entirety of the men trapped here was so unbelievably shitty.

what kind of friend– what kind of man did something like this to his other half– his rock, his one source of sanity in this camp, in this war?

he curled in on himself further, self loathing and dread curling their ugly black tendrils around him, engulfing him in a pitch black abyss.

he felt so, so sick all of a sudden.

𓆩✧𓆪

“word is there's gonna be another march in a few days,” hambone dutifully informed him, leaning against the creaky wooden wall and staring out the window, into the yard.

bucky was actually sitting up in his bunk today, idly fidgeting with the little radio gale had crafted a few days earlier in his hands. he hadn't actually spoken to buck, finding himself unable to think of anything of value to utter to him.

“again?”

“mhm,” he mumbled, fiddling with the dirty sleeve of his sheepskin. “apparently allies are real close. gale caught word of that last night on that radio. not sure when the germans caught wind. might happen tonight.”

bucky grimaced, setting the tiny radio on the cluttered table, sighing and squeezing his eyes shut at the prospect of walking for days on end just to get to another shitty camp, and rot there for god knows how long. he hasn't eaten in a good week, and he knows his odds of surviving the march on an empty stomach are little to none.

“thanks for tellin’ me,” buck said softly, standing from his bunk and making his way towards the door, keeping his eyes glued to the floor as he stepped outside for the first time in weeks. immediately, he felt eyes on him from all angles.

‘major egan?’

‘he’s okay!’

‘christ, i thought he died…’

he smiled humorlessly, making his way over to the water pump and grabbing one of the metal jugs, placing it under the tap and filling it up with slightly murky water and sighing to himself. he hadn't seen gale yet. a small part of him was hoping that buck would be the first person waiting for him, but he also wasn't in a good headspace to talk to him right now. he didn't know what to say to him, after knowing all the torment he had put him through with his little episode.

he turned the tap off, exhaling deeply and picking up the jug– flushing when he struggled a bit due to the weakness that came with staying in bed and not eating in about a week. he lifted it on the second attempt, huffing and hauling the jug back to his bunk.

out of the corner of his eye, he saw gale, encouraging some men to push a little harder to break the ground using that damned contraption- whatever it was called. he tensed at the sight of him, speeding up his steps until he was safe back in his bunk.

he set the jug down heavily, not even thirsty anymore. that night march could kill him, for all he cared. maybe then gale’s problem’s would be solved.

he laid in his bunk miserably, jug discarded as he thought of gale. he deserved the world, he deserved to be happy, to live a life without having to worry about him being a sad sack of shit, wallowing in his self pity. he did his best to try and keep his spirits up, but he couldn't help it. he didn't have anything to look forward to anymore. life just seemed like a whirlwind of misery and he didn't know how much more he could take. so many friends lost, so many people dead.

maybe when he died, gale would finally move on, lose that stress that came with knowing him. he could only hope.

𓆩✧𓆪

john had lost track of time long ago. he only knew day and night, and occasionally he was told what month it was.

he knew it was late, evidenced by the snores of all the men around him, and how the room was pitch black. the moonlight didn't reach his bunk, leaving him alone in the darkness to stare up at the wooden slats of the bunk above him.

he heard shuffling from somewhere in the room, then the creaking of floorboards as someone moved towards his bed.

“bucky?”

gale’s voice rang in his ears, making him go completely still as if he were a scared cat. maybe he was dreaming, and the gale beside him was nothing more than a figment of his imagination, spurred on by hunger. but when gale didn't leave, he turned to look at the blonde with tired eyes.

“yeah?”

“can’t sleep,” he said softly, and the bags under his eyes seemed to prove it. “mind if i bunk with you tonight?”

bucky wanted to say so many things. ‘of course you can.’ ‘no, i don't want you to get too attached to me if i’m bound to die soon.’ ‘i love you.’ but all that came from him was a little “uh huh,” as he scoot over to make room for the blonde.

he felt his mattress dip, and a familiar warmth crowding at his side. he almost jumped up at the almost desperateness of it all, half expecting gale to just lay by him and turn the other way. the blonde wrapped his arms around his waist, a surprising amount of muscle on them from the training they had been doing in preparation for an escape, and buried his face into the nape of his neck.

it was dangerous to be doing this here, with everyone in the room. anyone could wake up and they'd probably kill them on the spot before the nazis could. no one would accept it– two respected majors, cuddled up together like shy newlyweds in the middle of a shitty stalag, when they should be leading their men, training them, helping out in some way. but, as gale tightened his arms around john, holding onto him as if he'd disappear if he let go, he found that he could care less about what everyone would think of them.

“buck,” he started, voice soft, as soft as it's been in a long while. “what–”

“i’m scared, john,” he whispered, trembling ever so slightly as he pressed closer, like he was trying to become one with the other man. “i’m trying so hard to keep up appearances, to lead and be strong, but i’m scared.” he admitted, fingers digging into john’s side.

john was shocked into silence for a minute. gale was always so well put together. he never cracked under pressure, he just didn't. up in the air, when his engines were out and his crew was panicking, he would land that b-17 like it was nothing. ‘no engine cleven’, they called him, and he just smiled in that shy little way of his, heading to the barracks to sleep off the shock and do it all over again.

he'd seen gale shaken up a few times. when they landed in africa, he was quiet. quieter than usual, anyway. he was staring off into the distance, eyebrows drawn together slightly as he worried that damned toothpick in his mouth until it snapped in two.

but for gale to admit that he was scared was…unheard of. he wasn't the type to show or admit his emotions too openly, none of them were. but being here and eating the same bland shit, not knowing if you're ever gonna get to go home, and watching the last of your friends die during nighttime marches to a new camp did something to you. it broke whatever spirit you thought you had left.

“gale, hey-” he whispered, turning on his side and gently cupping the blonde’s face, watching as tears welled up in his eyes and spilled down his flushed cheeks. “hey, look at me. none of that,”

he used his thumb to wipe away his tears, tilting his chin up so that the blonde’s glassy eyes met his. he hated seeing gale cry. he hated knowing that all this time, he's been in pain, the weight of all of these men in camp on his shoulders, counting on him, and all john has been doing is making it worse.

“i’m sorry,” gale sniffs, hiccuping softly, breath picking up as john pulls him close, allowing the blonde to hide in his chest and inhale his scent. “fuck, i’m sorry. i just don't know how much longer i– if i can do this anymore.”

those words put fear into john’s heart. if gale, the brains, the brawn, the heart and soul of the very operation to get them out of here was losing hope– what did that mean for them? were they truly doomed to die in enemy hands, holding onto the hope that allies would somehow manage to sneak close enough to the shitty camps they were held hostage in and launch an attack on the germans?

he knew most of their thinking was extremely wishful, but it was something. a little glimmer of hope in a dark, gray times. for buck, gale was that glimmer of hope– that thing he held onto when all else seemed to fail him. even when he felt he’d die here, at least it would be with buck.

he couldn't let gale give up like this. not for his sake– hell, not for everyone’s sake. if gale gave up, he gave up. and if he gave up, everyone else would give up. a hell of a burden to carry on top of everything.

“gale,” he said softly, taking both of his slender hands into his large ones, caressing the backs of his knuckles with his calloused thumb. “gale, you've gotta keep going. without you, this whole thing would fall apart.” he said, nuzzling closer to him.

“i can't save everyone, bucky.” he hiccuped, trembling in little fits and starts, shattering john’s heart as he watched. “i can't even save the person that matters most to me. if i can't do that then–”

“you don't need to save me.” john said harshly, much more harshly than he intended to. he saw gale wince, and he immediately regretted being so harsh. “i mean– you don’t– i’m just like this. nothing you can do about it, buck. it’s not your job to fix me, okay?”

“i want to. i want you to be okay, bucky. i want–”

he sniffled, nuzzling his hot, tear-stained cheeks into bucky’s large hands. “i want you to be okay. i want you to be there with me, no matter what. i just– we've lost so many men, john. so many. but i still have you. i can save you, i can help you. i just….i need to make you feel better than this. i need you to know how much you mean to me.”

bucky was stunned into silence. he spent all this time thinking gale loathed him for his behavior, wishing he was dead and gone so that he had one less thing to worry about– but gale just spilled his guts to him about how john was the most precious thing in his life right now. not marge– him. him. it made his heart swell with something ugly.

“i’ll always be with you, buck.” john said softly, stroking his blonde locks, once soft but now slightly gritty with dirt and grime from their time in the stalag. even with limited supplies to take care of his hygiene, gale managed to outshine every single one of them in terms of beauty. “what’d i say? if i’m gonna bet on anything, i’m gonna bet on us. y’hear me?”

a shaky little exhale left gale’s mouth, pressing his face into john’s chest like a boy seeking comfort from his mom after a scary dream. john didn't say anything else, just held gale close as he sniffled and sobbed into his chest until he cried himself to sleep, soft snores leaving his pretty pink lips in soft little puffs.

he felt a surge of overprotectiveness wash over him as he watched the blonde sleep, curled into his body and clutching one of john’s hands close to his chest. he didn't need to feel sorry for himself anymore. he needed to be there for gale, so that he stopped carrying these burdens on his shoulders. they were a team, always have been. always will be. nothing in this godforsaken place could change that.

𓆩✧𓆪

john got up the next morning, careful not to disturb gale, who was still sound asleep next to him. he was on his side, almost completely curled up on himself with his thumb pressed against his lips, biting at it idly.

john smiled softly, eyes filled with a fondness for the blonde as he shuffled into his shoes, heading out into the daylight to grab some rations for the both of them.

last night was extremely sobering for him. he had spent so much time wallowing in his self hatred that he hadn't realized that his neglectful actions towards himself had been affecting gale in a negative way. when his friend came to him, crying and sobbing, worried for his wellbeing, insisting that he was the only thing that was worth fighting for anymore, he knew he had to get it together.

he went to the service counter and asked for two servings of food, saying that his friend was still asleep and that he would wake him up when he got back. who would lie for extra slop anyways?

he was given two plates, and he hurried back to his bunk, where a few of the other men began to stir awake, including gale.

“mornin, boys,” he said, setting down his two plates on the lightly cluttered table. “food’s gettin’ served up. go grab some.”

they all let out a noncommittal groan as he sat down at his bunk, digging into his mean of bland potatoes. it didn't taste any better than the last time he ate it, but he’ll be damned if he wasn't hungry.

gale sat up beside him, blinking the sleep from his eyes, which were slightly puffy from crying. his baby blue’s landed on john and widened as he saw him scarfing down the bland mush.

john smiled at him. “mornin’,”

“you're eating.” he said, voice quivering slightly.

he shrugged slightly, stirring the mush around absentmindedly. “got hungry. craved potatoes. you’ll never guess what the canteen was servin’.”

gale was on him in a matter of seconds, hugging him tightly and pressing his face into his shoulder. he was trembling, a shaky exhale leaving him as john set his plate down, returning the hug and smiling against his shoulder.

“thank you.” he whispered, voice so heart-wrenchingly vulnerable.

“don't count on it.”

𓆩✧𓆪

gale bunked with him for the next few nights, out of pure need for comfort and reassurance. he was obviously happy that bucky was eating again, but he was still stressed with all of the ongoings in the camp.

bucky had stepped in and gave a hand in training, instructing the men in what to do and how to do it, but there were just so many of them. on top of that, those german bastards were always waving their guns around, yelling at them whenever they felt like it. john had almost gotten into it with a few of them, but gale har talked him down.

what would he do without him?

“you need to be more careful when you talk to the guards.” gale said, idly smoothing down the fabric of john’s thin sleep shirt, which made john’s chest fill with warmth.

“to hell with those guards.” he muttered angrily, looking into gale’s eyes with a steely determination. “i just got my spirit back. i ain’t gonna let these nazi bastards destroy it again.”

“they'll shoot you, bucky.” gale said softly, looking up at him with a hard gaze. “zero hesitation. they've done it to other men before, and they’ll do it to you.”

“and then they’ll have a hell of a riot on their hands.” he laughs softly, which made gale sigh and press his forehead to his chest.

“why can't you just be good?”

the words caught john off guard, making his cheeks flush and his heartbeat kick up a notch. he felt his heartbeat pick up whenever gale was close to him like this, but it was a pace he had gotten used to, honestly. but hearing gale tell him to be good in a soft voice��� as if he were speaking to a dog made his heartbeat kick up in another way entirely.

“uhm,” he started, face flushed a soft pink, hands finding gale’s waist and fidgeting with the hem of the blonde’s shirt. “i can– i can be good, i jus’...”

he was stumbling over his words painfully obviously. he was hoping that gale couldn't see the flush on his face in the darkness of the room, but knowing his luck he probably could.

“what's wrong?” gale asked softly, eyes lidded as his hands halted on john’s broad chest, thumb idly brushing across the fabric of his shirt in soothing little circles. “your heart is beating really hard.”

“nothin’.” he said, way too quickly for it to be true. “just. hot. i ‘unno.”

silence fell, save for the sounds of breathing from the men around them, and their own soft breathing. john really took in gale in this moment, how soft and vulnerable he looked.

his sleep shirt was loose on him, thanks to him losing weight in the camp over the months they’ve been here. his eyes were soft with sleep, lips pink and plump and parted with each little breath he took. god, he was gorgeous. he wanted nothing more than to take him on the bed right now, make him cry out his name so that everyone in the room knew who he belonged to.

he’d had these thoughts of gale since they met in basic training, but they had only gotten worse the longer they stayed in camp. back on base, he was able to keep his mind off of gale, or at least quell his desire by picking up some desperate broad in a bar and sleeping with her. but now, he looked at gale and could hardly keep his mind out of the gutter. he hated it.

“hot, huh?” gale chuckled softly, hands running up john’s chest and resting on his shoulders. “you're a bad liar when it comes to me, y’know that?”

john flushed darker, hands tightening on gale’s waist and pulling him closer, careful to keep their lower halves apart so that the blonde didn’t feel his erection through his shorts. “i’m not lying.”

“mhm?” the blonde chuckles, leaning closer to him, invading his space so that their noses touched, breath mingling together as they stared at one another tenderly, something more carnal and desirous underneath. “why're you hard then?”

bucky choked on a gasp, his face completely red to the point where he was sure gale could see it, even in the dark. their lower halves weren't touching, and yet, gale had known. read him like a book.

“how’d you–?”

“you have a thing you do,” he says, thumb rubbing at his collarbone gently. “you stumble over your words. start touchin’ things with your hands. fidgeting. sometimes it's more noticeable. its a lot less noticeable when you hit on girls at a bar, but i picked up on it.”

john huffed, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth and averting his eyes. he wasn't expecting gale to call him out so straightforwardly. it made him embarrassed. he also didn't expect gale to trail a hand down to the hem of his shorts, dipping his cool fingers inside and making john gasp sharply.

“want me to take care of it?”

“gale,” john hissed, eyes wide as the blonde’s nimble fingers trailed lower and lower, scratching at the wiry hair just above his hard cock. “our men are all around us. they might hear us.”

“then you'll have to be quiet, won’t you?”

a strangled noise left john’s throat as gale wrapped his thin fingers around his hot, hard length, giving a tentative squeeze. a shuddery breath left deep from bucky’s chest, his hands squeezing gale’s waist so hard he was bound to leave bruises.

“that good?” gale whispered, shuffling his boxers down and letting john’s cock free completely, swiping his thumb across the head and gathering the precum there so the friction of his hand was less harsh. bucky didn't have it in him to answer coherently, so he just nodded and bucked his hips upwards into gale’s touch.

it was intoxicating, the way his fingers occasionally caught under the sensitive head of his cock and made his cock jerk and leak even more, all over gale’s pretty hand.

“see? look at you.” the blonde cooed, eyes lidded and practically glowing as he gave a twist of his wrist on the upstroke, relishing in the little groans and gasps bucky let out. “you can be good for me, why can't you be good out there? i know you're a good boy, bucky. such a good dog.”

“jesus christ,” bucky swore, stomach tensing up and cock leaking into gale’s palm thickly, precum making the glide of his palm slicker. “i’m gunna cum- oh, god, buck–”

“shh,”

the blonde scolded him lightly, free hand moving to cover his mouth firmly as he jerked him off faster, the wet, slick noises coming from between them downright obscene. he felt like a girl getting laid in her bedroom, her parents right next door as her boyfriend fingered her so good she couldn't help but whine and whimper.

he didn't have time to warn gale as he shot off, thick ropes of his spend painting buck’s chest and stomach a pretty pearlescent white. when he pulled his shirt up, he didn't know.

he came down from his high, and found gale’s lips on his. he kissed back, gentle and hungry at the same time, like he wanted to devour gale whole. he pulled him close, choking out a gasp into the kiss as he felt gale’s erection press into his hip.

“buck,” he panted, letting the blonde thrust against him minutely, the little pleased noises he let out going straight to john’s spent cock, bringing it back to life. “lemme– lemme make you feel good.”

gale exhaled sharply, rolling his hips against him more desperately, now. “please.”

john flipped them over so fast that it gave them both whiplash for a moment. it was short lived, though as he was faced with the sight of gale’s hard cock straining at his boxers. john’s large hands spread the blonde’s thighs apart, tugging his boxers down his hips and letting his pretty pink cock spring free from its confines.

john was on him in an instant, licking at the clear bead of precum that gathered at the pretty pink head. gale gasped softly, his breath shaky and deep as john laved his dick in attention, running his hot tongue along the vein that adorned the underside, sucking at the tip, doing anything but taking it in his mouth yet– to enamored by the sweet little noises gale was making.

“john, please.” buck whimpered, voice soft and needy as he thrust upwards, cockhead sliding against bucky’s wet lips. “please,”

he begged so prettily. who was he to resist?

he finally took gale into his mouth in one go, nose nestled into a small thatch of blonde pubic hair just above his dick. gale bit back a moan, hands flying into john’s pretty curls, gripping them so hard that he was sure he ripped a few strands out. the sting made bucky moan around gale’s length, bobbing his head slowly.

he loved every little noise that left gale– the little gasps and quiet keens as he drooled around his cock, eyelashes fluttering as the tip of his cock nudged at the back of his throat. he wishes that he could hear gale at full volume, whining and begging for more– but they couldn't. not here.

“such a good mouth,” gale moaned, voice breathy and deep and so smooth to his ears, melting his brain as he pulled off his cock completely, licking at his dripping slit and collecting his precum with his tongue. “fuck, wish i could keep your mouth on me all day. keep you quiet. fuck–”

hearing gale cleven, straight edge, no gambling, hates sports gale cleven talking dirty to him like this sent shockwaves directly to his cock. he took him all the way back into his mouth, groaning deep in his throat as he ground against the rough sheets of the mattress, brows furrowed in concentration and pleasure as he took hold of gale’s slender hips. he felt so filthy, so needy and desperate for anything gale would give him, like a stray dog begging for food.

he wanted anything gale would give him. affection, hatred, love, loathing– he was hungry for all of it, for him. his cock was amazing on his tongue, hot and heavy and velvety, leaking in copious amounts down his throat as he swallowed every last drop of him. he could feel gale spasm in his throat, close to orgasm, and he found himself feeling greedier by the second.

“jesus christ,” buck gasped, hips lifting from the mattress, hand tightening in john’s curls, pulling him down onto his length frantically as his stomach began to spasm and tense up. “i’m– i’m gonna– john–”

his throat was flooded with gale’s spend, and he worked his throat around his sensitive cock dutifully as he swallowed it all. it was the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted, it made him hot, it made his brain melt, it made him needy for more–

he felt his cock spill against the sheets, a small whimper caught in his throat as he rode out his orgasm.

when he came to, he was aware of gale whimpering from overstimulation as he absentmindedly suckled at his cock.

“john, please,” he whined, trying to pull free. “enough.”

bucky pulled off, cheek resting on his thigh stickily. they were both panting, faces flushed and eyes glossy with aroused tears. they locked eyes, and john couldn't help the surge of emotion that overcame him as he shot up, capturing gale’s lips in a soft kiss. at this moment, everything felt like it would be okay.

“we should clean up,” gale mumbled against his lips, panting softly. “made a mess.”

“yeah,” john agreed, kissing him again, quicker this time. “think we can score new sheets?”

“we can jus’ move to my bunk for now. toss these sheets aside for morning laundry.” gale hummed, yawning softly and rubbing at his eyes like a sleepy little kid. how he could be so goddamn cute after doing something so filthy was beyond him.

“alright,” john hummed, watching as gale tucked himself into his boxers. “lemme wipe ya down first.”

john untucked a corner of the bedsheets, using them to wipe at gale’s cum stained torso gently, gale squirmed under the attention slightly, blushing at the way john was looking at him, full of love and reverence, like he hung the sun and the stars himself.

once he'd finished, he let gale stand and move back to his bunk, allowing john to rid his bed of the stained sheets and toss them aside for laundry. he'd find an excuse later.

he made his way to gale’s bunk, reversing the roles and cuddling up to gale, nuzzling into his neck and sighing deeply. gale smiled softly, hand carding through his hair gently.

“next time, we’ll try to make less of a mess,” he mumbled, voice deep with sleep as he pulled john closer.

“next time, huh? you fantasizing about it already?”

buck rolled his eyes, and bucky didn't miss the faint flush on his cheeks.

“i’m just saying. it’ll be nicer. maybe it’ll be in a proper bed, without all these people around. just the two of us, in our own bed,” he mumbled, eyes drifting shut. “just us, bucky.”

“buck–”

he didn't get to ask what he meant. he had already fallen asleep, snoring softly into the darkness of the room. buck went silent, pressing his ear to buck’s chest and listening to his steady heartbeat as he mulled over his words. his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest.

maybe they would get out of here. if it meant he and buck would have a promising life together, he would be damned if he died in one of these godforsaken camps.

he would make it. for them.

taglist: @mooodyblue @lauvmyself @kaiistheguy @slowsweetlove

[wave2love]

✧ my lovely love 𖥔˙̣

02. 3rd of december (in the snow)

IN WHICH, choi y/n after finally landing a job after many many interviews finds out his new boss is the boy that broke his heart many years ago in highschool. can the two become friends again and maybe more or will it once again end in tragedy with y/n crying on the floor of his room for days left to pick up the pieces of his once again broken heart.

⌗ warningz — happy turns into angst, they’re in love :: wc — 806

⌗ lowercase intended

˚₊꒷ʚ﹕previous — masterlist — next

3rd of december, junior year of highschool

jay planned a date for us today. as i finish getting ready a text pops up on my phone, hey baby, i’m outside. i grab my bag, phone and keys and go to meet jay outside with the biggest smile on my face. “jay!” i run into his arms, he gives me a big hug. “i missed you so much.” he says in the sweetest tone and as he gives me a kiss on my head, it starts snowing. i’ve always loved snow.

we arrive at this nice restaurant and he opens the car door for me and pulls flowers out of nowhere!? “thank you jay” i step out of the car and take his hand. he shuts the car door and leads me into the restaurant. “the reservation should be under the name park jongseong.” “right this way sirs.” the hostess says. jay leads me, holding my hand. i can’t help but smile, i love him so much.

after we eat dinner jay takes me for a walk in the park. i'm shivering, when did it get so cold? “you should’ve dressed warmer, you’re shaking.” it's that look, the look he gives me when i do something he finds cute or endearing. “hey! you’re supposed to give me a sweater in this situation!” he takes off his jacket and puts it on me. it’s so warm. i never want this date to end. snow still falling the sight of him here next to me, holding my hand, it’s my most favorite thing in the whole world. there's this small food truck right outside of the park that has the best hot chocolate in the whole world. "back on another date, aren't you two just darling." the owners are this cute little married old couple. they talk to us everytime we come around to buy food or drinks. "yes ma'am." jay tells her with a smile and i can't help but stare at him. how could a boy as beautiful as him be mine. we get our drinks and go to sit down at what we've deemed our bench.

when we sit down he gives me this look. it's a look i recognize, but one of which i am not familiar. "jay what's wrong..?" i'm scared to ask. he’s been acting weird. please don't say you're leaving me. "i.. need to tell you something." he takes my hands in his and looks at me ever so gently. he sounds... different. something happened i just know it. “what is it? jay, you can tell me anything, i’ll always be here for you my love.” “y/n you know i love you a lot right? i wish i could spend every moment i have with you.” i try to study his face to figure out what he’s trying to do. “yes jay i know you love me silly. i love you too, now tell me whats up.” he looks scared to tell me. he's never scared to tell me anything.

“y/n i’m moving away.” the words hit me like a truck. jay is leaving me. “what?” my voice is barely above a whisper and before i know it i’m crying. “you’re just moving a few hours away right?” i choke out between sobs. it starts snowing again. “i’m moving to the u.s.” my sobs worsen. “why.” “baby i love you so much i don’t want to but my parents...” “i haven’t even met your parents we kept our relationship a secret. not even my friends know that i have a boyfriend. my brothers haven’t even met you yet. what about our plans? what about everything we were going to do?” i can’t stand to look at his face anymore. “we need to break up.” “oh. okay.” i have no more tears left for now.

the drive back is silent. it’s still snowing it gives me this melancholy feeling. “y/n i’m sorry. i didn’t want to go but i have to.” “okay.” i open the door on my own when he drops me off. i don’t want to look at him any longer. “i love you.” he says before i step out. i look back at him. “i love you too.” my voice is soft, almost whisper like, but i know he heard it. i’m greeted by my brothers as soon as i step in the house. i can’t bear it any longer. as soon as they greet me i can no longer hold back my tears. “he left me. jay’s moving away.” all three of them come to give me hugs. yeonjun even offers to beat him up. i’m lucky to have brothers as loving as them.

as i look past my brothers out the window and through my tears i see the snow. i hate the snow.

˚₊꒷ʚ﹕previous — masterlist — next

⌗ karma’s corner ᵎᵎ this was supposed to be out hours ago but i forgot. i hope u guys like this chap 😈 i hope you were at least very sad after reading!

taglist ᵎᵎ comment or send an ask to be added — @junjiie @kpopstanmeg @stvrboy-k @jarosutff

don’t steal my work xoxo — © wave2love

[jmrothwell]

I didn't know you wore glasses and I'm thinking normal and platonic thoughts about you right now I swear for Julie/anyone because she is so cute with glasses

Julie isn’t pacing. Pacing was a back and forth type of walk. And that is not what Julie is doing. She just has to make sure they had snacks, that everything at the table was ok, and that no one is awkwardly hovering at the door. 

So what if she’d walked the same circular path a few times now. It still isn’t pacing. No matter what Carlos and Flynn say. 

“Why are you so nervous anyway?” Flynn asks, as she pulls her own notes out of her bookbag. “It’s not like we don’t hang out with Luke and Reggie every single day.”

“Yeah, at school.”  Julie bites back her groan. She doesn’t go into the anxiety of them being at her house for the first time. Doesn't need Flynn making some quip about Julie not getting this nervous for her. If only she knew. 

The doorbell rings then

Julie jumps in spite of herself and Flynn’s knowing smile though stunning is uncalled for at the moment. As is the way her body decides to forget how to breathe when she opens the front door to Luke and Reggie’s beaming smiles. 

RIght, so suggesting a study session in the privacy of her own home might not have been the brightest idea. At least at a library or coffee shop there could be other people to distract her. However sitting at the table she doesn’t really have anywhere to look except at the other three. 

Or her notes. She’ll just look at her notes, nose glued to the book.

That plan lasts only as long as it takes for Reggie to crack a joke that has all three of them fighting to not spit out their drinks. He’d definitely purposefully timed it that way. And Julie’s mind wanders as she watches the way Reggie proudly smirks as Luke openly chuckles and Flynn tries to stifle her own laughter to try and lecture him.

“One sec. I’ll be right back.” Julie says after another half an hour of studying, quickly trotting upstairs to swap out her contacts for her glasses. She was really trying to avoid it, especially given who is over. But for some reason her contacts won’t stop bothering her today. 

It’s not that she hates how she looks in glasses. But there’s a reason she usually only wears them around the house. 

She could always just go blind, but she wouldn’t be able to read her notes let alone Luke’s without her glasses. And seeing as this was supposed to be a group study session that really wouldn’t do anyone any good.  So with a sigh she put her glasses on and walked back to the dining table as if nothing had changed.

If she didn’t make it a big deal, maybe they wouldn't. 

“Right,” She says, settling back into her chair. “We were about to start reviewing Ohm’s law, yeah?”

She is answered by silence and tries to not cringe against it. She glances up over her frames and forces herself not to flinch with how Luke and Reggie are gawking at her. Finding it much easier to look at Flynn, who is laughing behind her hand staring at the other two. 

Though that isn’t quite the reaction she was expecting out of her either. Normally Flynn got quite defensive on her behalf. 

“What?” Julie finally asks, the suspense of the silence eating away at her.

Flynn’s smile grows, as Luke slightly shakes his head. A move Julie’s only seen him do when he’s trying to clear his head of wandering thoughts. 

“I didn’t know you wore glasses.” Luke finally says after he clears his throat. 

Julie mentally braces, uncertain of what exactly either of them will say next. Nothing could have prepared her for what tumbles out of Reggie’s mouth though.

“And I’m thinking normal and platonic thoughts about you right now. I swear.”

In the seconds it takes for her brain to fully process what he said, Luke’s weight shifts and Reggie hisses, turning to the other boy with betrayed confusion, leaning down to reach under the table. Flynn’s silent laughter is beginning to pour out of her. 

“She gives off the most adorable librarian vibes, right?” Flynn says between giggles moving to rest her chin in her hand and turning to gaze in Julie’s direction again. “Super cute.”

Reggie snaps and points at Flynn. “Yes! That.”

Julie ducks her quickly heating face. She’d heard Flynn compliment her and her glasses before but didn’t ever dare think of it as more than a friend complimenting and building up their friend. But, Flynn’s never used that particular phrasing before. Coupled with everything else, Julie’s too busy questioning everything now. 

“Jules?”

Julie glances up over her frames, hoping they’re all close enough that she won’t be able to see them clearly. Unfortunately they’re all just far enough away to only be the slightest bit of hazy. They’re concerned glances still readable.

“What is–I don’t–what?” Julie stammers before settling on. “You think I'm cute?”

“Yuh-huh” Reggie huffs out with a fervent nod. Luke nodding along beside him, mouth open but seemingly at a loss for words, for once.

“Like I said, super cute.” Flynn confidently says sweeping some of her braids back over her shoulder. 

“Thanks.” Julie says, fixing her glasses, and oh, Reggie and Luke have both gone pink, though it’s more noticeable on Reggie.

She closes her notes and pushes her study material to the side. They’ll have plenty of time to study later. Right now, they should probably talk about something else. “So, totally platonic thoughts, huh?”

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, I have hard executive dysfunctions but had some (temporary) results using to-do apps and stuff. For everything, brushing teeth, eating, etc. But it always end (very quickly) by me adding 30+ to dos for a day and working 10 hours to get them done until I break down. I can't not do it. Once I think about it, there is sooo much to do, so much I neglected.

So I saw this nice bullet journal in a shop today and took it with me and need some ideas how to make it, to not end like the others:

I thought about a symptom part, how good did I sleep, what mental health issues do I have, etc pp.

I am completely unsure if I should ad any "chore to-dos" or only self care/mental health ones. But even those feel like chores so...

And my energy level varies strongly so I thought about keeping it vague like idk "do one relaxing thing"-like maybe. So I could decide on that day, what I think I will get done. But that's pretty unsatifying.

Ah and, as much as I love such book and diaries etc, writing it down feels like a chore too so... It sounds worse than it is, I had some results but everything in this world sounds like a chore so I am unsure how to make this fun and manageable and neither go to the extreme nor give up.

Give me all your ideas and examples and plans.

Hi anon,

As soon as I saw your ask I just knew I wanted to answer it ~ I have ADHD, but because of other chronic health issues - I cannot take stimulant medications for it and rely on my adaptations to manage symptoms (and yup, some of my mental energy does get used up doing it this way - but it is possible for some of us!). I wanted to start by sharing some resource links and articles first:

The Best Work Schedule for ADHD Brains: Flexible or Rigid? (with resources at the end, and lots of reflections from a variety of folks who benefit from both - great starting point to see which style resonates with you)

Adults With Executive Function Disorder (scroll about halfway down for tips and resources)

Tips and Tricks for Executive Function Disorder (geared towards the caretaker of a child with it, but still impactful suggestions, including movement breaks and reward systems)

Executive Function Disorder: Bullet Journal (one person’s personal bullet journal and how an adaptable reward system - shaped like a bingo card - really helped them) 

But also wanted to share what I use/tell myself throughout the day/week to help: (under the cut to help avoid the post getting super long)

I personally use an adapted planner for the overall schedule, it’s got enough blank spaces where if I want to “change it up” I can do that week to week, but in general this is the place where I store my overall monthly calendar and every Sunday night write out my week ahead of “big things” (apps, time sensitive errands, etc).  

I take a picture of my monthly calendar, as well as my weekly so even if I’m out and about I can quickly refer to it if someone asks about a date - versus saying “I’ll check my calendar later and get back to you” . . . and then - never doing it, whoops!

People in my life are used to it by now, but essentially if someone tells me something like “next weekend is so and so’s birthday” - I’ll take a moment to set an alarm reminder to add it to my calendar when I’m home, and or make a text message note on my phone, and set an alarm that essentially reads “don’t forget to add your text notes to the calendar” (some days I can have like fifteen alarms going off throughout the day, but this way I also manage to add the information I need to, versus feeling like I’m constantly forgetting something, or worse, expending limited mental energy constantly cycling through a “don’t forget don’t forget don’t forget” concentration).

I timeblock my day every morning before everyone else is awake, for example: 7 to 8 - studies, 9 to 10 - social, and so on.  By doing it every day, I can refer back to it throughout the day and adjust as needed but also not plan too far ahead with no adaptability to changing circumstances.  I also ensure that for a chunk of “serious chores” I also schedule in what I like to call “serotonin boosts” - whether that’s some friends time, or creative time, whatever sparks joy for you.  There have definitely been days where I felt like I could not do one more email - and then reminded myself that as soon as I got through the five I scheduled myself for, then I could draw for an hour (a basic ‘this, then that’ reward system).  Suddenly, I manage to push through it, and often quicker than I had originally thought it would take - allowing me to have even more time with something that brings joy.

If I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I set several alarms, almost like a countdown 

I like to use fun color pens, or even pens with like fuzzy balls, or some other sort of stimming part to it as I work - it allows me a moment to stim if I need it, even when I’m tackling the “boring brain dump” stuff.

No amount of telling my brain “just do it” for twenty minutes is going to magically create the dopamine/serotonin it needs to do the thing.  So if a reward isn’t working, I get up and move with a timer to get it going that way, and then try again.

I’m sure there’s plenty more ideas/tips/tricks - anyone stumbling on this, please feel free to comment, reblog, and add to it, but I hope it’s a helpful start for you and anyone else out there looking for adaptions. - Mod Kat

[nancypullen]

It Was a Good Day

Okay, you’ll have to wait for the pics of the park and the chicken soup recipe because I just got home from having a GRAND time at The Foundry, Denton’s center for all things artsy and creative.  Tonight they hosted a fundraiser for Empty Bowls, a group that raises money for food related charities.  Basically, I paid to paint a bowl, they will keep it and fire it in a kiln, then I’ll pick it up at the Caroline County Culinary Arts Center and receive a free pint of soup.  The culinary center also runs Shore Gourmet where anyone can pop in for amazing baked goods, soups, prepared meals that you take and reheat, and more.  We’ve had several meals from Shore Gourmet and they’re always fabulous. So I made my donation, painted my bowl, had good conversation and lots of laughs with a bunch of ladies I don’t know, and came home feeling happy.  Bonus, in a couple of weeks I get my bowl back and some yummy soup.  I’m going to start signing up for more classes at The Foundry and maybe make some friends. It’s such a fun place, and usually people who gather to make art together are good souls.  I mean, the young woman running the event played DEAN MARTIN for background music.  It was like the universe telling me I’d found my spot.  So, hooray for today! In other news, look at these cute stickers I printed.  I’m going to get serious about finding a home for my cards and earrings and whatever else I make.  I can’t just keep making stuff and storing it.  I decided to just own my split personality, I’m thinking I’ll need a matching floral banner if I ever do crafts fairs.

As I was sitting at my desk today admiring those stickers, my eyes fell on this ornament. I made one for my sister and one for myself.  The “Our Hour” is a nod to the roller skating variety show we staged on our carport as kids.  It’s a shame you missed it. Lots of music, jokes, and very slow spins on skates.

  After taking the tree down I hooked it on a drawer knob of my desk.  It makes me smile.  When the grandgirl was here she noticed it and was studying it pretty closely.  I said, “That’s Grancy and Aunt Cathi when we were little girls.”  She responded, deadpan, “I recognized your hair.”   I can’t get a break. She asked me once, “Has your hair always been fluffy?”  Now she’s seen the proof.

Want to hear something exciting?  I’m going to Easton tomorrow to choose the color for the kitchen cabinets!!!

I’m going to disappoint some people by saying that I’m sticking with a cream color.  I mean, look at these!

Right now I’m eyeballing Benjamin Moore’s Winter Wheat, Navajo White, and Gentle Cream.   Originally I’d thought I’d get light granite, but I’m loving these darker counter tops.  I had dark counters in Tennessee and I don’t hate ‘em. I’d love something that looks like soapstone.  At this point I’ll take what I can get, but I’m dreaming and scheming.   And speaking of dreaming and scheming, I’m starting to draw out some garden plans for spring. It’s closer than you think!  I’m devoting my garden spaces to flowers and herbs - that’s it.  I can buy everything from tomatoes to watermelons on every corner here, I’m exiting the tomato growing business.  Basil, dill, thyme, oregano, mint...that’ll be in my garden, for sure.  I’m hoping to plug in mostly perennials around the house - rudbeckia and that sort of thing. It’s Maryland’s state flower - surely it’ll do well.

I’m being paged to watch a new Dateline with the mister, so I’ll wrap this up.  I’ll leave you with a quick shot of the path I walk at Martinak.  Even in the winter, with bare trees, it’s lovely.

Alright, see ya’ tomorrow. I’ll bring the chicken soup.  I’ve got the photos (not great ones) so I’ll get those in order and post the recipe.  I make a pot of this nearly every week and Mickey loves it.  I know that’s a pretty low bar, because he’ll eat anything I put in front of him, but he does request that I make it. I hope that you’re cozy and content on this January evening. I’m already in my flannel jammies and under a blanket, it might even be a popcorn night. Walkin’ on the wild side. Sending out love and hugs. Stay safe, stay well, stay warm.

Nancy

[littledreamling]

choose an artist you like and use the name of their songs to answer this as close to the truth as possible!

Except I overthought this and used a combination of lyrics and titles, with explanations… oops 😅 I was tagged by @virgo-dream (I’m blaming you for this, my dear, you’re about to learn a lot about me lmao) @sonata-ix @rooftopwreck and @immacaria (thank you all!! 🥰)

name of the artist: Hozier

what is your gender? Arsonist’s Lullaby

“When I was a child I’d sit for hours / Staring into open flame / Something in it had a power / Could barely tear my eyes away.”

I’m not an arsonist, I swear lmao, but I’ve always had a fascination with fire and felt a kinship with the unpredictability of it; it can be tamed, but must always be treated with caution and respect. My gender can be volatile and brash and dangerous, but it can also be warm and inviting and a beacon to others. I hold within me a flame.

describe yourself: Be

“Be, be, be, be, be / Be as you’ve always been.”

No matter what happens, no matter what people think of me, no matter what I’ve been through, I’ve always been unapologetically myself and I take pride in that. No matter if it’s dying my hair blue, shaving my head, being openly genderqueer in my sorority, or dying my hair blue (again), I’ve always put my own identity first and let everyone else decide for themselves whether or not if I was something they could stomach. If there is one thing I place a lot of importance in, it’s staying true to myself.

how do you feel? Sedated

Today was an interesting day for me. Between only getting four hours of sleep, waking up about five hours earlier than normal, and eating two of the biggest meals of my life, I’m incredibly tired and a little bit floaty.

if you could go anywhere, where would it be? In The Woods Somewhere

I’m never happier than I am when I’m in nature. Losing myself in the woods is one of the best feelings in the world for me; surrounded by nothing but lush green and the vibrant life and nature untouched by man. If I ever disappear pff the face of the planet, go ahead and place your money on me having run off to live in the woods; it’s a strong bet.

describe your best friend: To Noise Making (Sing)

I love my best friend and her joy makes me happy. We like to sing in the car on roadtrips and she has a wonderful singing voice. I do not. But it doesn’t matter because it’s about the joy we feel in each other’s company more than talent or skill. Being around her makes me feel like I don’t have to be embarrassed about my bad singing or any other part of myself. She accepts me for who I am and loves all of me.

your favorite time of day: Sunlight

“I would shun the light, share in evening’s cool and quiet / Who would trade that hum of night / For sunlight, sunlight, sunlight / But whose heart would not take flight? / Betray the moon as acolyte / On first and fierce affirming sight / Of sunlight, sunlight, sunlight.”

I could never pick a favorite time of day. I love the afternoon warm sun streaming through my windows and the midnight moon peeking from behind clouds. I love the cool and quiet night and the glorious and fierce sunlight. I hate early mornings though.

if your life was a tv show, what would it be called? Someone New

I would joke that this could be No Plan (because my life surely doesn’t have a plan) but I’m using that for the next one so I’ll use Someone New for this one. In some small ways (and many large ways), I have reinvented myself many times over the course of my life. Between questioning my gender, figuring out my sexuality, moving states and losing touch with everyone I had known before university, and changing my field of study numerous times, I have had to dive deeply into who I truly am and have found someone new every time.

what is life to you? No Plan

“There’s no plan, there’s no race to be run / The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.”

If there is one thing that my life has taught me, it’s that you can never plan for everything. I have a tendency to use meticulous planning to help cope with my anxiety, but life is about going with the flow. Life is about watching the sunset, about spontaneous decisions, about riding the rolling waves because everything helps to shape you. There will be bad. There will be terrible. But there will also be good, and life is about learning to recognize the good even when you’re neck-deep in the terrible. There’s no plan, so you might as well enjoy every moment as it comes.

what do you fear? Cherry Wine

Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, one of my biggest fears is finding myself in one again. The knowledge that someone is actively hurting you yet still being devoted to them, heart and soul, unable to leave or fault them for what they’re doing to you is such a terrifying place to be in and while it’s a dynamic I love to explore within the comforts of fiction, the reality of it is one of my worst nightmares.

Edit: oops I forgot to tag people. If you see this and want to do it, feel free! I’m also tagging (to be annoying) @levi1088 and @birdbraintm

[vampireantihero]

Newsletter: Extra, Extra! Read All About It!

Hello everyone! I hope your weekend went well! I am going to be brief this week, because I have a short week and a lot to do in it. Before we hop directly into the newsletter, though, let’s look at the new schedule!

New Schedule

As you can see, the schedule’s changed a little bit! It’s now set up for bi-weekly updates instead of weekly updates. This is because, as much as I love touching base with you all every week, I’ve noticed that it takes me quite a long time to create these newsletters and eats into time that I could be working on the projects I’m sharing with you. I have a mentorship coming up in August that will also take up space in my work hours, and the theatre is now working on their next show which means that, if I want to eat dinner, I have a hard stopping point to my work day at 5pm instead of 6pm-ish, three days a week.

My thought is, if there is no time to get the projects done that I’m sharing with you, then there is no reason to send the newsletter, right? I want to be able to create quality artwork and quality content surrounding that artwork for you all to enjoy. What I don’t want, is to spam you with fluff and “Sorry I didn’t get to this” messages. So, starting with this week (perfect because next week I’m on vacation anyway and won’t be updating), the Newsletter will be on a bi-weekly schedule. I’ll miss touching base with you all every week, but I think this will be for the better.

Commissions / Fiverr

I’ve been trying my best to get my Fiverr profile together but, despite my best efforts, I cannot get my brain to cooperate. I mentioned last week that I’m suffering from extreme burnout this year, and that hasn’t changed. One of the things that I’m hoping for is that this vacation helps me feel a little bit better. That being said, commissions will be closed starting today, and will be reopened July 25th. That’s the ones on the website, not Fiverr. The 25th is my first full day back to working after I get back from vacation, so if you have a commission idea in mind, keep it written somewhere or send it my way, but I will be holding off on replies to those things until I’m back.

As for Fiverr, I’m hoping to have the gigs I’m planning out 100% put together and added to the site before my mentorship starts on August 17th — we’ll see!

In Case You Missed It

I didn’t have a full week of studies again this week because of the holiday, as well as working on the Under Strange Suns concepts, but I did have a few!

The Under Strange Suns contest piece is starting to come together well, and I have a solid plan for it. I’m looking forward to rendering this piece!

Closing Thoughts

So, that’s all for now! I hope you all have a fantastic week, and next week as well. If you are overwhelmed like I’ve been, then please keep in mind that it’s not your fault. Remember that it’s okay to take a step back to breathe, assess the situation, and come back to it with a level head. There is nothing wrong with listening to yourself and knowing when you need a break. It’s all part of taking care of yourself.

And with that, I hope that you all take care of yourselves. Make sure to drink your water, and do what you can. I love you all.

[mewmewkitten101]

Keiko Kuromiya, Chapter 1: A Whole New World... Erm, I Mean Country

alright so i keep forgetting and not having the time to update the kingdoms character introduction post so here's a treat from me to you (seriously someone remind me to update it again). first chapter of keiko kuromiya on tumblr! i still prefer to post on ao3 and wattpad so here's the links to the ao3 and wattpad versions if your like me. ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41188155/chapters/103253859 wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/1261336955-keiko-kuromiya-the-cut-faced-woman-chapter-1-a

keiko kuromiya was also originally meant to be a story that's free for all to read everywhere! But if you enjoy reading and want to throw some money at me for your appreciation then please head to these links below!

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/MewClawfur Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/mewmewkitten redbubble: https://www.redbubble.com/people/MewMewKitten/shop?asc=u

without further ado, let's get into it!

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March 20th, 2022, 12:19 AM

Well, from the bad news I learned today at least I got a new diary, which I’ve been needing for a month. I suppose you and I should get acquainted, new diary. I’m Keiko Kuromiya, how are you? Yes, I know treating my diary like a sentient being seems a little weird, but I’ve made a name for myself for being weird. Maybe this diary will end up somewhere when I’m older, those readers should at least know my name. I’ll get into the bad part of today now, it’ll probably be the most interesting thing to happen for THIS, diary #37. And yes, I’ve had 36 previous diaries. Oh, one last thing. I also name my diaries. How about… Tanya for you, #37? Good? Perfect!

It all started during spring break. I was hyped because who doesn’t love a break? I started planning outfits and stuff while talking to my friends but then my parents  dropped the bomb on me just earlier today. 

We’re moving to Japan the 25th.

Despite the sound of my name and my physical appearance (which is very east asian looking, except for the fact I have freckles from my mom), I’m Japanese-Irish. Papa grew up in Japan and was there all his life until college. He went abroad to study, where he met my mom. All of a sudden, his priorities changed. My Japanese grandparents weren’t happy for him wanting to leave, but he refused to stay. It would be easier for him to move to America where he already knew the language and was already familiar with everything there, compared to my mom, who would have to start learning and becoming familiar. To appease them, he did promise that someday we would move back to Japan. 

Originally the plan was to move when I was eleven, but we kept pushing it off for another year, then saying to let me finish middle school first. Would there ever really be a good time though? I knew it had to happen eventually, my paternal grandparents were too stubborn to ever let it go.

So earlier today we were sitting around the dinner table at home, the very small and brown one. We were eating miso ramen, which Papa grew up eating. Some of the ingredients we can’t find around here though, not even at any of the asian supermarkets which annoys him to no end. 

I’m just sitting there, enjoying my ramen, when my mom starts to ask me a question.

“Keiko, you know how your grandparents always wanted us to move to Japan?” 

“Oh no, is that happening soon?” I shrank in my seat.

“Yes. We debated whether to tell you in advance or closer to the moving day. We couldn’t decide in the end so unfortunately we could only tell you now. I’m sorry Keiko.” Papa apologized, bowing in his seat.

“Couldn’t we have waited until I was older?” I protested.

“We’re sorry, but we already bought a house and everything, it’s too late to back out now.” Mom apologized again. 

I was already close to tears, so I went to my room. I was sobbing for hours and hours. I stayed in bed for a good couple of hours, overthinking everything, which is what I do every day of my life, so that’s not very unusual.

I’m kind of annoyed they waited THIS long. Not just kind of, extremely, EXTREMELY annoyed. No, not annoyed, upset and angry. I knew this was happened at some point, but why do I have to find out this on my spring break, and it’s happening in four days? I think it might’ve been fun to buy a house with them if they just told me earlier!

I did suspect this though, because I was looking at a few colleges just for fun (listen, you can never be too prepared for college) and they were quiet and kept staring back at each other.

Anyway, at like, 9 PM my mom knocked at the door.

“Keiko, are you awake?” She whispered.

“Yes.” I sat up in my bed, revealing myself from the covers.

“Your father and I were talking. What if during holidays your friends can fly out to Japan or we can go visit them. I know that doesn’t fix us moving but I know how important it is you keep seeing them and everything.” Mom said.

“Please, I want to keep seeing them in Japan.”

“Alright. We’re leaving the 25th. Maybe we can have one last big hurrah before then?”

“That’s a good idea. I’ll tell them tomorrow.” 

“Oh, and one more thing. We finally got you a new diary! Sorry it took so long. Okay, goodnight Keiko.” Mom handed me my new diary before closing the door. In darkness I come make out a black composition notebook.

Obviously, I wrote in my diary first before actually going to sleep. Which I guess I’ll be doing right now. Goodnight.

March 21th, 2022, 5:29 PM

Four Days Until The Move

Time is limited so I will be updating this diary after dinner, which I just finished. Today I had to break the news to my freinds. I also recorded the entire text chat. In the future my diaries may be fine literature and I’d like to look back at them if anything does happen to them. But also sometimes I can write conversations into my diary while bored and trying to think of something to write about.

Me

Guys I have important news I learned last night

10:48 AM

Clay 😠

How are you awake so early

Anyway what’s up that doesn’t sound good

10:48 AM

Me

You guys know how I’ve talked about how I’ll probably move to Japan someday

We’re moving there on the 25th

10:49 AM

Clay 😠

WHAT YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL US 10:49 AM

Me

IF IT WAS UP TO ME I WOULD’VE KNOWN WAY EARLIER

MY PARENTS TOOK TOO LONG TO DECIDE ON IF THEY SHOULD’VE TOLD ME WAY IN ADVANCE OR CLOSER TO THE MOVING DAY BUT THEY DEBATED FOR SO LONG THEY ONLY THOUGHT TO TELL ME LAST NIGHT

10:51 AM

Lukey Boy

Your parents are a little stupid tbh

10:51 AM

Anneville

THEY WHAT?

Am I legally allowed to throw hands

10:52 AM

Me

No.

So like are you guys free between now and the 25th?

Would you guys also wanna like come to the airport and see me one last time before I go to Japan.

10:53 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I just woke up what the heck I didn’t wanna be hit with you moving away

10:54 AM

Lukey Boy

You should’ve tried not staying awake until 3 in the morning

10:55 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

Whatever I’m not getting into a fight right now

Anyway Keiko I’m free today maybe we can do something? :D

I don’t care what my parents say though I WILL be there on the 25th. Just tell me what time

10:56 AM

Clay 😠

I’m free the 25th too

10:56 AM

Lukey Boy

Me too!

10:57 AM

Anneville

Me as well!

I’m gonna be on vacation until that day unfortunately so I won’t see you until the 25th but we’ll make the best of it!

10:58 AM

Me

Okay okay good

Let me ask my parents what time we’re leaving

10:59 AM

Me

Okay so they said the 25th at 5 PM

We’re basically gonna spend the morning going to places I grew up and doing like a last goodbye

We’re getting up at 8 AM to pack and everything

You guys can either come to the airport in the afternoon just for the send off part or join us in the morning too.

The car is getting taken by a friend so we can drive you guys in the morning but after we leave for Japan you’re gonna need a ride sorted out because obviously we won’t be there to drive you back home

This is the schedule mom and dad set up

8:00 - 8:30 Pack away stuff, put in the car

8:30 - 9:30  Eat breakfast at IHOP

9:30 - 10:00 Go to the playground at the elementary school

10:00 - 10:10 Drive past the middle and high school

10:10 - 11:00 Visit my mom’s side of the family

11:05 - 2:00 Drive to the airport

2:00 - 3:00 Bag checks

3:00 - 4:00 Lunch?

4:00 - 5:00 Wait until it’s time

5:00 Time.

11:10 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

Do you know where you’re moving to?

How long is the flight?

11:11 AM

Me

Somewhere in Hokkaido

The actual flight itself is like 30 hours

We’re doing like 2 layovers

Gonna be a very long flight

I’ll be texting you in between landings

I’m gonna have to get a new phone though so I may need to like write a letter sending you my new number or something

Anyway we’ve been talking about this way too long Clara what should we do

Anyone else that’s free can tag along

11:12 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I can! :D!

Let’s hang out at 2

Maybe at the ice cream shop or something

11:13 AM

Clay 😠

I’m bored I’m gonna tag along

11:14 AM

Me

Kk see y’all in a bit!

11:14 AM

And then nothing else exciting happened until we met up.

Oh, Tanya, I haven’t introduced you to the rest of my friends either! Clay is Clayton Van Der Veen, Clear Shepard is Clara Shepard, Lukey boy is Lucas Slater and Anneville is Annika Granville.

Okay moving on. I cannot possibly explain and write all the conversations we had. I think the memories of today is better through the videos and quotes I took. But yeah we had fun getting ice cream and reminiscing the past years of our lives.

Eleven years of friendship and in four days it could fizzle out. Or we could become more bonded than we’ve ever been. I’m terrified, honestly. My friends have a better time staying close with people when they can interact with them. Personally I don’t, but our group has had people come and go. 

There was once a girl Clara, Luke, Annika and I knew for a really long time. Her name was Jia Xun. She was one of the other few Asian kids in the school. Screw it, honestly, maybe even in the entire district. We met in 2nd grade. But 2 years ago the summer before we were starting highschool she had to move away. Things went on kind of normally for like six months. We still talked constantly, we’d visit whenever we could. But after that six month honeymoon period slowly everyone else started to distance away from her. We made a new group chat just for the four of us. A group chat of the people that live in town, they said. I still talk to her quite a lot, she doesn’t respond much.

And sometimes I wonder, did I contribute to all that by accident? Is that why she doesn’t respond to me a lot of the time? What if I become the next Jia? Clay was essentially Jia’s “replacement”. We met him quite literally the day after Jia moved away. What if they ditch me and I get replaced?

It’s getting late. Tomorrow I guess I’ll bring it up to whoever can hang out with me.

March 22nd, 2022, 6:05 PM

Three Days Until The Move

I rushed through dinner to update my diary tonight. Literally shoving down chicken and rice down my throat. I almost choked, that was pretty fun. Mom and Papa tried to have a little conversation with me but I could only respond with my mouth full of food. Anyway, hopefully I can properly log everything that happened today.

Me

Who can hang out today

Kinda wanna talk about something important

Besides Annika

Mom and Papa are out doing important moving stuff so I have the house to myself for awhile

1:49 PM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I WOKE UP EARLY FOR THIS

YES

Do your parents know how to make coffee by any chance by the way

1:50 PM

Me

Yes

Also oh my god the prophecy has been fufilled

1:50 PM

Lukey Boy

Yes

Anybody wanna play some video games I can bring some

1:50 PM

Clay 😠

I’m also free

1:51 PM

Me

You guys can come over like right now if you want

1:52 PM

Lukey Boy

Kk!

1:53 PM

They came over in like twenty minutes. Maybe thirty minutes of them beng over, we’re in the tv room, gaming together, and having a great time. I’ve agonized over how and when to bring up the topic of moving, so I bring up Jia.

“Do you guys still talk to Jia at all? She doesn’t respond to me anymore.”

“Occassionally, yeah. She seems busy most of the time.” Clara said.

“Is that why we all stopped talking to her regularly?” 

“Yeah, I think since she’s sixteen now, she’s looking for a job and has friends in North Woods that she naturally got closer to since she probably sees them often.” Clay sighed.

“That makes sense. Do you think that… when I move to Japan we won’t be friends anymore?” I asked. I slowly breathed, biting my lip. I can’t cry here. Not in front of them. I hate crying in front of other people.

“Who knows for sure? We’ll do our best to make it work. Believe me, I felt the same when I moved away from my hometown.” Luke reassured me. 

“Even if it does happen we promise our friendship wouldn’t end on a sour note.” Said Clay.

I was so relieved. I always was suspicious about Jia slowly getting pushed out of the group but it does make sense when I think about it.

After that it was mostly just. More dumb stupid shenaniganery, including but not limited to: Clara drinks so much coffee she starts shaking, Clay hates hiveswap, and Luke commits crimes in pokemon.

Another day better recorded with videos than in my diary. I wonder if they’d ever consider making videos playable in books or something. Anyway, goodnight.

March 25nd, 2022, 8:05 PM

3 Hours and 5 Minutes After Boarding

Okay, usually I am obsessed with my diary and recording my day but I was . get to do much else.

Gotta be honest, I’m a little tuckered out and sad so I’m gonna do a summary of today rather then a full detailed run down.

I woke up at like 6:30 to pack super early so I could dedicate some time to texting my friends. And to cry. This is something people do right? I thought if I cried in the morning I would have no tears to shed… but that didn’t do much I cried like every part of the day. 

Then at 9 we went for breakfast at IHOP. We made a reservation since there was 15 of us. Us kids all sat at one end of the table while the adults were at the other end. We laughed, we all cried, we got a dessert. I also got gifts from Clara, Clay, Luke and Annika for some reason. Another diary from Clara, a new dress from Annika, what I can assume to only be a years’ worth of hair dye from Clay and some books about Japan from Luke. Luke’s been preparing for this since the day we met for some reason and he read up on Japan a long time ago and it was only fitting he pass them on to me. I never told Luke that someday I would move to Japan immediately so I don’t know why he had them since the day we met.

At 9:30 we hit up the playground at the elementary school. Luke never visited so we ended up recording a video like we’re doing an MTV house tour. Yeah don’t ask we don’t know either we thought it was funny.

At 10 we drove past the high school and middle school. We all reminisced about our middle school adventures and high school adventures. Then my friends all went to the airport since traffic was bad and my parents and I went to my maternal grandparents’ house. 

We got there at 10:10. It wasn’t really a drive since my grandparents live right by the elementary school. I said hello and goodbye to a bunch of my relatives, though in all honesty I was more focused on talking to my friends. Grandpa and Grandma were bawling to my Mom and Papa. They love dad so dearly, since Mom grew up in a house of like, her and six other sisters.

Then at 11:05 we made our way to the airport. Traffic was bad, as usual. We got there at 2 for bag checks then met up with my friends for lunch. This was when it was really hitting me.

I mean we’re all in a position where we can visit each other no problem. Okay with some problems but those problems aren’t money. We’re not gonna be able to see each other regularly. I can’t tour my new school, talk about the teacher feuds and drama that the upper or underclassman have with them like I used to. I was bawling the entire time.

We finished by 4 and by then we basically had to play the waiting game. I was stressed out of my mind. I was too embarrassed to talk and let my friends hear my crying voice but I felt a little peace being surrounded by them.

At 4:50 we went to wait in line, my friends all joined us despite them not boarding so we could soak up as much interaction as possible. By then all of us were in tears and our parents were all starting to get sappy too. We started all saying goodbye. Then, it was the dreaded boarding.

They waved all in tears, I waved back, and I stepped down my gate, tears streaming down my face. My parents comforted me as we found our seat. I got the window seat and looked over and over at my gifts and my friends encouraging words. I wasn’t sure if I could be okay without them in Japan. I still feel that way.

I’m terrified. I can speak Japanese well. Papa has taught me the reading and I know katakana and hiragana fine, but I’m so bad at kanji. My grandparents in Japan wrote letters to me growing up so I could practice my writing, and though I have done my best to learn kanji I still need Papa to help me translate and read it. Thinking about this is starting to make me feel more upset so I’m going to try to calm down, maybe read one of the books Luke gave me.

The yokai seems interesting so I’ll tackle that one first. Later, diary.

[theunaestheticstudyblr]

UNIVERSITY WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

Mental health and illness is already hard enough, but adding school pressure on top is hard. High school was easier for me since there is a lot more structure and a lot less choice, which is why I'm targeting this towards college and university students.

Firstly is attending class. Getting to class is a major hurdle, especially with a commute like me (1 hour+) broke people problems lmao. Driving that long to go to a class just to drive back home is already exhausting and unpleasant, especially knowing professors will post slides or something after class anyways. But you have to drag yourself there. One thing I do to help is dress up. I'll do my makeup and put on nicer clothes. Why does this work for me? I hate wasting stuff, especially money and to me, putting on makeup is spending money essentially (same logic as using rare items in a video game idk). I can't just sit around the house and waste the money I just put on my face so I gotta go to class. Small things like this to trick your brain works so well. Before this, there was a restaurant I absolutely loved next to campus so if I went to every class for two weeks I would reward myself by going there. Another thing that helps is making plans with people ahead of time. They'll hold you accountable on days that you can't.

Take rest days. Schedule one whole day a week where you don't do school or go to work. It's a day completely off for anything. I use this day to do chores in the morning and then just lay around and do absolutely nothing all afternoon and night. This helps recharge and reduce stimulation and socialization. It gives your brain that little rest it cries for every day. I used to panic so much about this one day because I could be working and making money or studying or doing anything to be productive until I had a week where I couldn't do anything because I broke down completely, mentally and physically. Now I see it as a preservation day. I use this day to recover from everything.

Make your notes pretty. I hate going back and looking at my messy class notes. Everything is scattered and messy and I get frustrated. What I do instead is make a virtual, concise copy that is pretty to me. I'll add little sketches, color, pictures, etc. This helps draw my attention and allows me to study while doing it! Making the second copy forces you to go through the material after a class is over and review the material to decide what is truly important and then organize it all and then rewrite it all. This has been a huge help.

Use class breaks to snack or grab coffee. One thing I have found in many people with high anxiety is that food and drinks really help calm you down. I've found some research suggesting it's because food is a signal that things are safe and therefore makes you more relaxed, though I don't know much about anthropology and psychology fields. I find this really helps to calm me down after I had a very stressful test so that I can be more present for the next class. Gum helps a lot on high anxiety/panic days as well.

Download the notes or slides, especially if posted ahead of time. This way you have access even if you don't have wifi. You can even pull them up in lectures so you don't have to focus on the board the whole time. For my people with autism, this has helped me so much. There are times where you can't focus on the professor and the slides and the sounds and writing, so doing this cuts out having to watch the teacher and the board. Bonus points if you can record during lecture as well so you can revisit parts that you zoned out in or couldn't focus on.

Keep a journal or diary and list your activities, food, weather, etc in it as well as your mood. This can help you find correlations to hack shit. My favorite way of doing this is through the Daylio app (I wrote a post about it here). Like I notice that days when it's rainy, I study and read more and days where I walk more and eat breakfast, I focus better and am happier overall. This information helps so much. If I know it's going to rain tomorrow, I won't try to force myself to study a bunch today and instead save that energy for later. Instead, I'll take care of myself and go for a walk or something. Knowing how you work and why really makes a HUGE difference.

This might just be my autism brain, but finding cool things related to the topic at hand has helped me keep interest in at least a little of the subject, helping me study more. Like I don't like chimaeras (a fish group) BUT for some reason I love fish teeth and these fishes have a very unique tooth set. This at least let's me know something instead of just ignoring and forgetting everything. 20% is better than nothing.

Find a reason to study what you do, even if it's just that you need this class to graduate. Just taking classes for no reason seems like something neurotypical people are able to do. I can't do it. I need a reason and if I can't find one, I just give up. I used to always say it was useless and pointless and didn't understand why it was required. But I realized the reason to take it is because I want a piece of paper that says I traded lots of money and sanity for it. And that reason has to be good enough.

Make study games. Games are more fun than lifeless paper. Matching games, crosswords, coloring pages, whatever you like!

Feel free to add your tips to this post as well!! I always have room for improvement and experimentation, especially for really hard days. I still find myself skipping even online classes some days. No one had all the answers or has everything figured out. This is just an incomplete list of things that have helped me out a bit and made college life a bit easier.

[dreamescapeswriting]

Stray Kids Reaction | Uses Your Insecurities Against You [Request]

`A/N: The anon is right by the way you’re all beautiful in every way possible, including the anon that requested this. I love you all! Stunning, beautiful peopl all of you! ~ M

CHAN: Insecurity: Clingy

Chan rubbed the bridge of his nose as he stared at the screen in front of him trying to grab some ideas from the air, he had been suffering with writer's block and it was starting to get to him. Normally if he was suffering with it he would call you over, you were his constant muse but this week he wanted nothing more than to be left alone. He was stressed from being put under pressure from his managers to finished a certain amount of songs, as well as making sure he and the rest of the boys were staying on top of their practice. Everything was just piling up on top of him and he didn't need you around to add to the pile, as much as he loved you being there he just needed some peace and quiet which he soon realised wasn't going to happen,

"Jisung told me you were feeling shitty so I bought your favourite snacks," Your voice that was normally heavenly to Chan only made him cringe as he realised you were here. 

"Hey babe, do you mind coming back later? I really need to get this done," He turned around on his chair to face you, trying to get you to leave quickly before things went south but you stood your ground, placing the small basket of food down onto the coffee table. 

"I also got your favourite hot drink, I figured you could use a pick me up." You began explaining everything that was in the basket but it only annoyed him more as you listed everything, ignoring his request for you to leave.

"We can sit on the sofa and eat while you relax for a while-"

"Fuck! Have you always been this clingy or is it just as of late?" Your heart sunk as you stared at Chan who was red in the face, it was now that you took in his dishevelled appearance it looked like he'd slept less than usual and he was clearly beating himself up over something so you let the comment pass. 

"I was just- I wanted to make sure you were okay," Your voice cracked as you tried to get over the comment, moving closer to Chan who simply rolled away from you on the chair and shook his head at you. 

"I want you to leave. You're so fucking clingy! I can't do anything without you being right there on top of me, it's exhausting having a partner who doesn't know what space is!" He was yelling loudly enough that the staff outside his studio had stopped speaking to hear what was happening in the office but you felt like you shrunk in size as he yelled at you so without another word you left him there. Chan knew how insecure you were about being considered clingy, your exes had all said the same thing to you so when you began dating Chan you told him about it, not wanting to have the same problem. You never thought, in a million years, that he of all people would use it against you.

(X)

Later that night there was a knock on your apartment door, thinking it was just the food you'd ordered for yourself you got up to answer it to see Chan standing there holding the basket of food with a giant smile on his face. 

"What do you want?" You asked plainly as you stared behind him, hoping your pizza would arrive so you could take it and shut the door. 

"To tell you how sorry I am," You scoffed rolling your eyes at him, 

"You know exactly how insecure about that I am and you still-" You began sobbing as you thought back on what he said, all he did was wrap his arms around you tightly. Pulling you into a hug, his hugs were the answers to all of your problems, no matter what you were going through as long as he hugged you everything else seemed to be insignificant to you.

"You know how insecure I am about that," You managed to say through sniffles as he kissed the top of your head, rubbing your lower back as he repeated how sorry he was to you. 

"Things with work have been stressful...I just- You weren't listening and I needed you out of there." He knew it was never going to make up for what he had unintentionally said to you but he was going, to be honest with you from the start and tell you what happened. 

"I'll make it up to you if you let me." He whispered as he continued to hold you in his arms, kissing your cheeks as you nodded. 

"Start by paying for my pizza," You sniffled, wiping your eyes when you saw the delivery man walking over in your direction, 

"Anything for you," Chan whispered, handing you the basket so he could get out the cash.

MINHO: Insecurity: Not having Friends (One of my many insecurities lol)

As soon as Minho heard your voice from the hall he rolled his head against the floor of the dance studio, 

"I thought it was just us today," Hyunjin said to Minho, confused as to why you were in the building when it was supposed to be a private practice between him and the boys this afternoon.

"It is," Minho grumbled as he glanced over at the glass panel on the door, you were stood talking with Nayeon so he wrecked his brain at some kind of excuse to get you to leave without being so mean about it. The boys were all stressed out, Kingdom was getting harder with every week so they were having to step up their game, every second of practice alone was important to them. With you there, they weren't able to get anything done. 

"Hey Babe, guys! I got you all some lunch and I figured we could hang out this afternoon?" You glanced over all of their faces and the boys turned to look at Minho for help, none of them wanted to be the ones to send you home but it needed to be done. It was probably best it came from your boyfriend rather than the boys who were just friends of yours, 

"Don't you have plans with any of your friends?" Seungmin tried to come across as friendly, hoping you would somehow get the hint that they wanted you to leave but Minho laughed loudly at the comment. 

"Y/n doesn't have friends, that's why they're always clinging onto us," The room seemed to fall into silence, all that could be heard was the air-conditioner and your rapid breathing as Minho used your number one insecurity against you in front of everybody knowing full well that it hurt you more than anything else he could have said to you. 

"Y/n!" Minho yelled out as you backed out of the room without another word to him, the other boys looking shocked at him as he called you to come back to him. 

"Give them some space...Y/n will just want some time to cool off," Chan said as he placed his hand on Minho's arm wanting him to calm down before he spoke to you but Minho couldn't concentrate on anything else but the look on your face as he said that to you. 

(X)

Minho stared at you from across your apartment as you waited for him to say something, he'd let himself in with his key but you weren't speaking. He'd been sitting on the sofa for an hour without either of you talking, he was just as stubborn as you were about things but he knew he was in the wrong this time. 

"Why did you say it?" That was all you wanted to know, why he'd felt the need to use one of the biggest things you were insecure about in front of everyone, laughing about it as if it was something funny when it wasn't. 

"I just- I need you out of there, I've been stressed and I know that will never be a suitable excuse but I was." You rolled your eyes at him, sitting down on the opposite sofa to him as you listened to what he was saying, 

"You could have told me, I would have left...I know how much stress you're all under for Kingdom," You whispered as you looked down at your hands, wondering if he really found it funny that you didn't have many of your own friends, you were new to Korea it wasn't as if you weren't trying. 

"What I said was out of order, nothing I can do or say will make up for it but I'm hoping you'll let me try...I never meant it, you know that." You knew deep down he hadn't meant it but you didn't want to forgive him so easily and seem so weak,

"Fine but...I want to be alone tonight, I just want some space." You whispered as you glanced up at him, he nodded and walked over to you giving you a kiss on your forehead. 

"Call me when you're ready to speak, I'm sorry." He whispered before you kissed him again, letting him go out of the door. 

CHANGBIN: Insecurity: School/College work

it out on one When Changbin walked into the dorms that night and heard you laughing loudly with the guys he frowned, you were supposed to be at home studying for your exams that were coming up not here with his friends. 

"Y/n? I thought you had an exam tomorrow." He said plainly as he walked into the room, you stopped laughing as you glanced over at him and nodded your head. 

"I do, I was just coming over for a break and I ran into Jisung," You looked over at Jisung who was still red in the face from laughing, Changbin grew with jealously as he watched the two of you giggling while trying not to laugh.

"This is why you keep failing the exams," He mumbled not thinking you could hear him as he walked into the kitchen but you heard him and your face fell, 

"What?" Your voice cracked as you waited for him to repeat what he had just said to you, nothing but the sound of the tap dripping could be heard. 

"Nothing." He grumbled, Jisung attempted to slowly leave the room without being noticed but you took his wrist in your hand, 

"What did he say Jisung?" Changbin stared at the younger member with a look that said he would kill him if he said anything. 

"I wasn't listening," It was clearly a lie but you let him go before grabbing your stuff, 

"That's great, you know. You confide in your boyfriend that one of your insecurities is that you failed an exam and he uses it against you," You said snarkily as you began heading towards the door of the dorms, wanting nothing more than to go home and be left alone but Changbin followed you out. 

"I didn't mean it, I was just-"

"You were just what?! Stressed? So, what? You thought. 'I know let me just take it out on my partner, who's already having a rough enough time without their boyfriend being rude about it'" You yelled before leaving the dorms, making sure to slam the door so he knew you didn't want him to follow you back home.

(X)

A week had passed since your little yelling match with Changbin, he'd been doing everything he could to say sorry, sending flowers, chocolates and teddies to your apartment to try and make up for everything he had done. Then there were the calls, voicemails and texts telling you how sorry he was for what he had said to you, that he hadn't meant it. You finally gave up on ignoring him when you realised you were both just stressed and it didn't mean you had to take it out on one another. 

"I'm sorry," You said in unison as you opened the door to your apartment to see him standing there with a bunch of flowers in his hands, 

"No, I'm sorry." You said in unison again before laughing with one another, Changbin put the flowers down on your kitchen side before bringing you into a hug and kissing the top of your head. 

"I promise that it won't happen again, I've been stressed at work and that's one of the worst excuses in the world but I'm really sorry-" He was cut off when you kissed him softly, telling him that it was fine, you'd been stressed out as well and you shouldn't have ignored him for as long as you had done. 

"How did your exam go?" He whispered as he pulled you into a tight hug, 

"I passed." You laughed softly, kissing his chest as he told you his plans for congratulating you. 

HYUNJIN: Insecurity: Not Being Good enough for him

You ran your hands down the outfit you were wearing for the award show the boys had invited you to go along with them to and you sighed, you looked great but you thought back on what everyone else was going to be wearing. All of those people around Hyunjin who were going to gain his attention within seconds, 

"You ready to go? Whoa," He whispered as he walked into your shared room to find you in the most stunning outfit he'd ever seen you in, he walked over and kissed you softly. 

"Looking good babe," He complimented but your heart dropped, "good" wasn't what you wanted, you wanted to look great. So great that he wouldn't be able to take his eyes off you all night, 

"I need to change, it's not right." You mumbled, heading into the wardrobe to try and find something that would meet your standards that you had set in your head. 

"You don't have to, you look good." You ignored him as you pulled out different options up to your body trying to find the best one, 

"I don't want to look good, I want to look great." You whispered not thinking he could hear you but he watched you from the door shaking his head, 

"You always look great, it doesn't matter what you wear," You looked over at him and shook your head this time, 

"But they're going to be people, that will look better...You will look at them and want to be with them instead." He rolled his eyes at you, leaving the wardrobe to go and wait for you outside not wanting to listen to this over and over again. 

"You always think that I'm going to leave you for someone else, why? You're all I want." He was getting tired of telling you this and you never believe him, it was like a broken record. 

"Maybe I should spend my time looking for someone who would be good for me, someone who wouldn't spend so much time getting ready," He snapped not meaning it, he was stressed from work and the award show but you came out of the wardrobe in sweats. 

"What are you doing?"

"Well, I'm not going. Spend the night finding someone that can be good enough for you," You remarked before looking yourself in the en-suite, ignoring him as he banged on the door for you to come out.

(X)  

Hyunjin walked into the room later that night to find you curled up in bed with his shirt on, he crawled in behind you and kissed your shoulder softly. 

"You know I didn't mean it right, you're perfect for me...Sometimes you're too good for me." He whispered as you pretended to be asleep, 

"I know you're not asleep because you're not doing that little snorting thing you do when you're sleeping," You began making the snorting noise as he laughed softly, kissing your cheeks and turning you around to face him,

"There is no one in the world I want, I only want you for the rest of my life," He admitted as he kissed your lips over and over again, telling you he was going to remind you every day how good you were until you began to believe and listen to him.

JISUNG: Insecurity: Don’t earn as much as him

It was no secret that you didn't earn as much as your boyfriend Jisung did but that was because he was famous and you just happened to serve in a restaurant and work in a bookstore in the week. 

"We're all going to split the bill," Jisung announced as he looked at the waiter who had asked had you and the boys wanted to pay for your meal that night, you looked at the receipt nervously thinking about how you were going to pay for it. 53000 won wasn't exactly the cheapest meal in the world, you figured you would all pay for the food you had ordered for yourselves which was why you'd gone for the cheapest items on the menu. 

"Well, Changbin is the birthday boy, we shouldn't make him pay. Let's split between the eight of us," Felix said as he bought out his wallet, you began to grow with anxiety as you realised you weren't going to have enough to cover it. 

"Here, mine and Y/n's half," You stared at the wad of cash that he placed down and then up at him as he smiled at you, kissing your lips. 

"I got you, baby, I know you don't have a lot so I figured this was my treat." Your mouth fell open as he said that in front of everyone and the boys awkwardly looked away from you, doing anything they could to not pay attention to you. 

"I can pay for my own meals," You whispered not wanting to make a scene in such a fancy place but Jisung didn't see a problem with him putting money down for the two of you. 

"I know you don't earn as much as me, it's no big deal it's just money." A hiss sounded from Changbin as he realised Jisung was saying the wrong thing right now so all you did was get up, 

"Well, this person who doesn't earn as much as you is leaving to catch a cab. Don't worry Jisung, I can afford it." You snapped, moving out of the restaurant leaving Jisung shocked as he watched after you, not seeing the problem in him offering to pay for your food. 

"Dude...Bringing up that they earn less than you? Harsh," Changbin whispered as he patted Jisung on the back before getting up to leave. 

(X)

Watching him from across the room you waited for Jisung to say something, he'd come to your apartment begging you to let him inside so you did. 

"What is it? Come to mock me some more for my jobs?" He sighed as he stepped closer to you, only for you to back up against the wall not wanting him to touch you right now. 

"You know I never meant it like that, I just...I thought I was doing a good thing." You shook your head as you rubbed your arms, 

"Doing a good thing would be if you didn't announce to everyone on our table that I make less than you," You mumbled as you thought back on the boys all staring at you, it felt as if you'd shrunk in size with the way they all stared at you.

"Babe please, I didn't mean to I thought I was doing a nice thing." You shook your head rubbing your temples as the headache you'd gotten increased, 

"Whatever Jisung, just...lock the door on your way out," You turned away from him only for him to take you by the hand and pull you close. 

"You know I would never do something that spiteful to you on purpose, I was stressed, it slipped out, I didn't mean to use it against you." You could tell by the look in his eyes how sorry he was and the thought of curling up beside him to fall asleep was too good to resist right now so you gently kissed his lips. 

"Next time we eat, I'm paying." You mumbled, dragging him  into the bedroom to get some well-earnt sleep.

FELIX: Insecurity: Emotionless/Cold hearted

According to everyone around you, you were that cold and heartless person that everyone tended to steer away from which was why it was so hard for you to believe someone like Felix, who was the living embodiment of sunshine, would want to date someone like you. 

"All I'm saying is, you could have been a little bit nicer." He mumbled as you stood in the dorms, Jisung had been crying about a fight he'd had with Chan earlier that day and you told him to grow up about it. 

"All I said was that he needed to grow up," You were confused as to why he was so angry over something so small, Jisung hadn't seemed that upset over it and it was him you were talking to. 

"You're so fucking emotionless! He was crying Y/n and you told him to grow up!" You felt your body slump as the words left his mouth, you could take that from everyone around you but not him, not Felix. Felix was the one that made all of your insecurities melt away, the one you felt happy with but now he'd just thrown that back in your face and it looked as though he hadn't even noticed. 

"How do you do it? How do you get away with being so cold to everyone around you, he was clearly hurt and needed our help and you fucking made it worse." You looked over at the dorm bathrooms wondering if you could make a run for it while he was ranting with his back to you so you did. Shutting the door as you slid down it, crying into your knees as you remembered the way Felix looked at you as if you were a monster. It wasn't that you were emotionless or cold to everyone, there were just some feelings you didn't understand. 

"Y/n! I'm sorry!" He banged on the door as soon as he realised where you were, trying to get you to come out as he heard you sniffling from the other side of it. 

"Please, I didn't mean any of it Y/n, you know that." You continued to cry into your knees, wanting nothing more than for him to leave and go into his room so you could sneak out and go home but he sat there on the other side of the door and waited. 

(X)

You finally emerged an hour later when Chan knocked on the door telling you he needed to use the bathroom, Felix was waiting for you with open arms but you attempted to move away from him, failing as he hugged you from behind. 

"I'm sorry, I was just stressed and overwhelmed with work, I shouldn't have taken it out on you," He whispered as he kissed your shoulder, watching you as you kept your eyes forward on Jisung who was talking to Chan about that day.

"You were right though, he did need to grow up...I shouldn't have said what I said to you and I am really sorry Y/n." You knew that no matter what Felix was going to keep saying sorry until you forgave him, 

"You're right there, I am-" He kissed your lips softly before you could tell him you agreed with yourself being emotionless, 

"I don't want to hear that, it's not true...Remember when I broke my ankle and you were there taking care of me," You nodded and he continued to list off everything you had done for him, the boys and all of your friends when they were sick or injured. 

"I don't want to hear that again," He kissed your nose and you nodded before kissing him softly to stop him from saying sorry again.

SEUNGMIN: Insecurity: Not successful like other people your age

Your eyes glanced over the wedding invitation sitting on your coffee table, yet another one of your friends were getting married and you were happy for them. You would always be happy for someone who was doing well in their life but everyone you knew seemed to be getting married, having babies, getting their dream carers all the while you seemed to be stuck in the same place moving nowhere in your life. 

"Why the long face?" Seungmin asked as he brought over your plate of food, the two of you were having your date night at your place tonight since the boys were all at the dorms and you wanted some alone time together.

"Nothing, I'm just wondering what to get my friend for her wedding," You said as you nodded over at the invitation, Seungmin nodded along with you and without thinking about it first, 

"Doesn't it make you feel bad that they're all so successful and you're just still in your small apartment," He didn't mean for it to come out the way it did, he'd been so stressed all week over something he needed to ask you that it came out a little too harsh. You dropped the fork onto your plate as you looked at him, wondering if he was joking or if he was serious but he looked at you confused. 

"What?"

"Well, I mean, they're all married, starting families, having these large homes and you're still in this crummy apartment." You couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, especially from Seungmin of all people, your boyfriend. The person that was supposed to be supportive and loving to you no matter what, it felt as though he was turning your back on you. 

"Crummy?" Your voice broke as he continued to eat, watching the TV as though he didn't notice what he had said was hurting you so badly, you got up without another word, placed your plate down and rushed to the bathroom. 

(X)

When you didn't come out after an hour Seungmin was beginning to worry, he knocked on the door when he heard sniffling coming from inside. 

"Babe? Everything okay?" You wiped your eyes as you hummed in response, reaching to the toilet to flush it before lying to him, claiming you were sick and he needed to go before he caught it.

"You were fine earlier," He mumbled confused as to where this sudden sickness had come from, he opened the door to find you leaning against the bathtub wiping your eyes. 

"Babe! What's wrong?" You scoffed at him, moving away as he tried to reach out and comfort you, 

"What's wrong?! Me and my crummy apartment!" You yelled as you moved away from him and went into the living room, 

"Baby, I didn't-"

"Didn't mean it? Because clearly, you did! Do you find it funny?" He reached out for you but you stepped away once again not wanting him to be near you right now,

"Let's just laugh at Y/n and the fact that they still live in a 'crummy' apartment, not married, not having kids and alone!" He realized as soon as you began crying again that his words had hurt you unintentionally, he hadn't meant it the way they'd come out.

"I didn't mean it like that, I've been stressed this week trying to-"

"So you took it out on me? When have we ever done that?" He shook his head, finally gabbing your hands as he made you look up at him, 

"I've been stressing myself out trying to ask you to move in with me, I-I found a house we could live in and I- I didn't know how to ask you and I thought that dropping hints would be a good way." You stared at him with your brows pressed together, 

"You thought telling me my apartment was crummy...was a hint?" He laughed awkwardly as he realised how stupid it seemed but you started laughing softly along with him somehow seeing the funny side of it as you shook your head. 

"Kim Seungmin, you are the most strangest, perfect boyfriend in the world." You whispered kissing him softly, 

"Yes, I'll move in with you."

JEONGIN: Insecurity: Worried He doesn’t Love you

"You were flirting with her," You scoffed as you stood in one of the empty conference rooms that were in the JYP building, Jeongin rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration listening to what you were claiming he was doing.

"I was talking to her, she's like a younger sister to me." He explained you'd walked into the building to find him standing extremely close to Lia from itzy and it sent jealousy running through your veins. It wasn't as if you didn't trust Jeongin, you just found it incredibly difficult to see him with someone like Lia and not be attracted to her,

"You're just always too jealous to see what's in front of you! Why would I flirt with her when I'm with you?" You stared at him as he called you jealous, you looked down at your hands and not knowing what to say to him. 

"You're always so worried that I don't love you! Do you know how tiring it is to have to remind you all the time?" You felt a pang in your heart as he yelled at you, people turning to look through the glass door as they heard the youngest member yelling. 

"Well if it's so tiring why do you keep doing it?!" You yelled back only for him to shake his head and shrug his shoulders, 

"I don't know," Your heart, felt as though it had fallen onto the floor and crashed into a million tiny pieces right in front of him and it was as though he didn't care to notice. 

"You don't know? So...Why don't we just break up?" Your voice was quieter, hoping he would realise you were upset about this and that he would tell you he didn't mean it but he nodded his head, 

"Fine." Your breath caught in your throat as he stormed out of the room leaving you alone to try and gather up everything that had just happened in the room while he seemed to go off as though nothing had happened. 

(X)

When Jeongin walked into the dorms later that night the last thing he expected to find was you packing everything up into a bag with tears gushing down your cheeks. 

"Sorry, I thought I would be done before you got back," You sniffled, wiping your eyes and side-stepping out of the room telling him you would come back for the rest of your stuff when he wasn't at home.

"What are you talking about? Why are you taking your stuff?" You ignored him as you struggled to take the key to the dorms off your keys, dropping them all onto the floor and crying as you saw him bending down for them. 

"We broke up. Remember? You didn't want the hassle of telling me you loved me so we broke up," You couldn't bring yourself to look at him but he tilted your head up to look at him and shook his head, 

"I was just mad, I didn't mean it Y/n...I would never break up with you over that, I've just been stressed and then the whole jealousy thing came out and I just...I'm really sorry," He whispered leaning forward to kiss your lips softly, repeating over and over how much he loved you in every way possible, kissing you all over your face as he pulled you back into his dorm room so you could unpack your bag. 

Tagline: @taestannie​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @sw33tnight​ @acciocriativity​ @mwitsmejk​ @minholuvs​

[p3sephone]

I did it for love.

Summary: you worked in a little shop, making cupcakes and coffee every day. Soon you meet your new client, but you don’t know what awaits you.    

Warnings: manipulation, some tension (nah, not the positive one). This serie is going to have very dark themes, so if you don’t like it don’t read. If you’re aminor do not read, only +18. 

Note: covid-19 is kinda a bitch right now. Also the whole day was mostly shitty. 

Words: 1206.

Serie masterlist. 

You nibbled your nails lightly, looking at the tablet display under the counter. You were lucky enough to have a steady job, a small apartment and studies in which you worked so hard. You had a little dream, in the ordinary, nothing special. But you wanted to make it happen at all costs.

It was almost lunchtime and there was that small period of time where strangely very few customers came to the store. This meant that you could take short authorized breaks: you made sure there were no customers waiting, and then you constantly updated your inbox. A few days ago you took the most complicated exam of the whole course, already known for its difficulty. You had lost count of how many times you thanked Wanda that day for explaining different concepts to you. You had spent several hours together and promised her that to repay her trouble you would offer her a good lunch. You hated being in debt to people, but even more hated constantly reloading your inbox and not seeing any results. The teacher had been clear about the short times of correcting the assignments, and you had trusted those words. You heard the classic bell hanging near the front door ring, so you immediately dropped your tablet and concentrated on the door. That hint of annoyance you felt when your business was shut down completely vanished from Wanda's vision. She had the same hairstyle, same long red hair pulled into a braid with a warm smile on her. "Hi, how can I help you?" you offered almost jokingly and she returned that same tone, leaning on the counter. "I wanted to ask you how the exam went." "Well, as soon as I get the results I'll let you know." you retorted with slight despair, and then offered her a menu. She quickly refused, straightening up and looking into her eyes. "I know someone has the day off today." she started joking, but you already knew what she was referring to. You raised your eyebrows curiously. Actually there was little time to disconnect and you had promised yourself to offer her lunch, but you didn't think so soon. But it wasn't a problem, in fact it coincided perfectly with your plans. If you had passed this complicated exam the others would have been even easier, but that didn't mean letting go: you had to study and work, every single day. And sadly you barely had time for yourself, so you could have dedicated today to Wanda and her return of favor. The hour passed quickly and Wanda had a simple coffee. You hated to admit it but you started to feel uncomfortable with her eyes constantly on you: it was as if she didn't even do it on purpose, but you noticed it all too well. When closing time came your employer gave you the green light to go without doing the usual little extras, which he never did. When she told you that you almost laughed in his face and that's when you almost noticed a red glow in their eyes. You walked away abruptly, only to hear your employer ask if you were okay. You giggled nervously, pulling away from the counter you leaned on and looking at the candle lit behind him. That had to be it. You snorted as you grabbed your bag and tablet. You had to stop being so anxious and paranoid. "So, where are we going?" - You gave Wanda free choice of where to eat for lunch, and she decided on a small place of all. It was a lovely place with quality food and a completely green location, full of plants and with various small paintings hanging. It would have been the perfect place to study, but Wanda was thinking of something else. When you ordered your food she started talking, curious about your life. "So you work and study at the same time... it must be very heavy for you, right?" it sounded more like a statement than a question, and to be honest you were ready to go on the defensive. Many thought that it was impossible for you to do all this at the same time, because "you were not capable". You made them change your mind and then you left them behind, but those questions still stiffen you. And so you stiffened even then, coughing lightly and cracking a smile. "Yes, after all it's the only way to be able to fulfill myself, isn't it?" "I understand you, you know... but sometimes you can't really reach dreams." You just thought you heard that part by mistake, because the second after you saw her smiling, kind and caring. Like a few days ago. Yet your whole being was beginning to feel uncomfortable. "Uh then, how did you know all those things? Oh, especially the curiosities you told me about plants." you suddenly brightened up, trying to think of something else. She giggled again when the plates came from the waiter. She took them both and thanked him, handing you your order. He then resumed the conversation. "I have a garden, I really like plants and take care of them. Especially the more fragile ones, you know? And yet I have the impression that their conditions never improve." she began to fiddle with her food, casually taking a few bites. On the other hand, you were very hungry and forced yourself to slow down just to keep her company. You didn't know why, but at that moment Wanda was making you particularly uncomfortable and you didn't want to overwhelm her attention. Yet, there in the club where she works, it seemed to you that her attention was on you regardless. "It must be really nice to have a garden, I was hoping to find an apartment with a small space to dedicate to plants. Now I understand why you know so much." you giggled, trying again to restore that familiar comfortable atmosphere. "If you want you can visit it." You have completely stiffened, almost sliding the fork out of her hands. Your nervous gaze slowly passed from her plate to her eyes, now fixed on your pupils. "How?" "You can visit my garden whenever you want." she offered you a gentle smile, yet the magic seemed to end. You slowly shook your head, taking another bite. "I don't think I would have the time, besides... we have known each other for a few days, well-" "I certainly don't mean to kill you, it's just for the garden." Her comment put you on the defensive again and at the same time she made you feel bad. You knew you had a solid point, yet it was as if the sense of gratitude you felt against yourself was twisting. As if she meant "I helped you, so I'm a good person and you treat me badly". The rest of the meal was a total failure and the tension was so horrible that you didn't wait for her to finish eating. At the same time, you got up and paid the bill, letting him finish eating in total silence. In one way or another everything was ruined and you would never see her again.