#i haven't told them about the possible autism

[spacedustmantis]

sigh. yet another incredibly improtant self discovery that i won't be able to tell my parents about....

[greywritesthings]

overwhelmed

Spencer Reid x Autistic!Reader

Warnings: description of overwhelm? sensory overload if there's any more let me know!

A/N: not sure what the inspo what behind this but here it is, i am working on another longer fic so this is a filler for the mean time, likes, reblogs and comments appreciated! Im autistic so i have a bunch of stuff I'd like to put in for a second (possible series?). For specific senarios ect ect please feel free to send them to my ask box!!

Requests are open for Spencer Reid! Disabled & multilingual characters encouraged

Read on AO3 instead!

Part 2

Masterlist!

The buzz of the air con unit, the incessant hum if the fluorescent lights, the constant chatter of the co workers you were unfamiliar with all came together to create an almost physically painful environment. You adored working in the BAU but these days where it was lengthy paperwork done on painfully bright computers with the general hubbub of the office made you want to scream. It often ended with Hotch sending you home with paper files to do with spencer but he was off today and you were still intimidated by Rossi so couldn't ask him. Spencer would normally ask for the both of you but he was out with Hotch, they were doing a local death row interview together. You were exhausted and it wasn't even eleven am. You decided to stop by Penelope's office who had made it as sensory friendly as possible once she found out about your autism, something you had appreciated immensely, especially for days like today. “Hey pen? Can i stay in here for a bit?” You ask, walking into the dim room. “Sure thing sugar, you can stay in here for the rest of the day, Rossi told me to come get you for a thing anyway so come over here my fine furry friend.” she beacons you over to the seat next to her. 

You couldn't have gotten out of the office faster. Penelope had helped as much as possible but the sensory overload was too much from nine am and you haven't been able to do anything about it aside from chew on some ice every so often. 

The idea of taking the subway home made your skin crawl, but you hadn't brought your car to the office this morning, driving was also being far too overwhelming. You would have called Spencer but you had no idea when he would be home given death row inmates either got really chatty or liked to drag on the interview. You decide to just sit on the curb for a while allowing the cooler night air to calm you down enough so you can try and get on the metro without crying. 

You weren't sure how long you were sitting there, legs curled tightly against you, head resting against your knees and back pressed against the wall but you flinched when someone walked up and tapped you on the shoulder and scrambled to stand up. “How long have you been out here?” the stranger asks in the darkness. As your eyes adjust you realise its Hotch, meaning Spencer is probably here too. You just shake your head with a pleading look hoping he wouldn't ask you any more questions tonight. “Spencer is in the SUV, I've told him to take that home to save you both taking the metro tonight. Go home, tomorrow's paperwork will be dropped off at your house.He didn't let you get a word in edgewise so you just nod, thank him and wish him and Jack a goodnight, setting off towards the remaining SUV with the lights on. 

“Hi honey, you okay?” Spencer asks as you hop into the car, throwing off your blazer before settling in and pulling on your belt. “Bad day?” he asks again trying to gauge how your day went without getting you to talk. You just nod as you reach across to put a hand on his thigh to try and signal that you were okay, just exhausted in every sense of the word. You tap his thigh three times then five, three to say I love you then five to encourage him to talk about his day and not worry about rambling even if you didn’t respond. 

Once you get home you drop your things and make a beeline for the couch, flopping face down and screaming into the pillows. “Bath, shower or later sweetheart?” He knew you wouldn’t go to bed without showering but also knew you were too overwhelmed to do anything that required mental effort right now given the whine you let out into the cushions at his question. “I'm going to order some Thai, then do you want to get changed and we can watch a movie? He suggests. “Nada en inglés, por favor” is all you mumble back. He was used to your disdain of English, despite it being your first language. You knew bits and pieces of French, Spanish and German prior to meeting Spencer but since meeting him you had come to learn some Korean and Russian. “Okay dear, i'll go order, you get changed.” he says as he leaves the room going to the phone. You drag yourself off the sofa across the apartment to the bedroom. Grabbing Spencer's caltech sweatshirt and joggers from the bed that you had left there this morning and throwing your suit in the hamper to be washed tomorrow.

You spent the rest of the night curled up under the weighted throw Penelope had knitted you for Christmas on your first anniversary at the BAU and watching old Russian movies. Spencer played with your hair until you fell asleep contemplating how he was going to get you to bed without waking you up.

[jangofettjamz]

Bullies

Tara Carpenter x Autistic!Male!Reader

Summary: Your crush, Tara Carpenter, saves you from your bully.

Words: 1630

Y/N POV

Another day, another lecture. Our film studies class is filled with aspiring film directors, snotty film students who think they're better than everyone else because of their "elevated taste in movies" and then there's film nerds like me and a few others I know.

There's Mindy and Chad Meeks-Martin, nephews of their late uncle, Randy Meeks. We became friends not long after they came here. They recently came to New York from Woodsboro after an incident involving a couple who tried to create a movie that would revive the long dead horror franchise: Stab. Nuts I know.

Among Chad and Mindy was someone I found to be astoundingly beautiful, as if created by the gods themselves, Tara Carpenter. I've had a crush on this girl since I first laid my eyes on her. She's truly beautiful in every way, though I don't think she'd ever go for a guy like me.

Everytime I've had the chance to speak to her she's always been incredibly welcoming and really nice, she even got ice cream with me one time.

She never talks about what happened back in Woodsboro, but I never pry for answers which she appreciated alot, I can't imagine your best friend trying to kill you over a stupid movie.

I haven't told her that I have autism, and I don't know if I can. Everyone that I have ever known has been turned away from me after I tell them about my condition, I doubt she would be any different, even if she is very nice to me.

My bullies knew about it though, I don't know how but they definitely knew and they constantly mock me for it calling me "freak" or "spaz" just to name a few.

The lecture went on for what seemed like hours; my eyelids slowly closing to pull me into the comforting darkness of sleep. Unfortunately, that was interrupted when I felt a spitball hit the back of my neck from one of the boys in the back with his group of friends laughing alongside him: my bullies.

I sighed, this unfortunately, was the the norm for me here, the laughing stock of the college, the weirdo who can't talk to anyone because he's to shy to make friends. I was an outcast to everyone, and those boys sure took advantage of that.

I was about to try and move, but not after I noticed Tara staring down the boy who shot his spit at me, the fire in her eyes resembled that of Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, I was half expecting her to throw a kunai at the boy and shout "GET OVER HERE!!!" but that's just my imagination running wild, as usual.

The boy immediately sat down and shut up after that, not gonna lie I would too, I don't think I've ever seen her so upset.

The bell rang indicating that class was finished, I immediately scurried out of there to try and avoid those boys as quickly as possible, evasion was a specialty of mine after being bullied so much. I ignored everything the lecturer told us and swiftly made my way to the corridors.

I walked through the corridors holding my notes securely in my arms, the judging states by some of the students not going unnoticed by me. I decided that keep my head low would be the best course of action to avoid any potential trouble from one of the students; walking faster to get to get out of here as hastily as possible.

I found the door to the door outside, my fingers grazed the handle but then... "HEY FREAKSHOW!" I heard behind me, the sound that emanated from his shout echoed across the corridor, bouncing across their walls.

He walks towards me with aggression "Jackson..." I say quietly, not wanting to escalate the situation further, though that was inevitable.

He grabbed me by the collar, "You think you can just embarrass me infront of Tara like that?" I looked at him with confusion. I had enough of his shit

"Embarrass you? You embarrassed yourself when you decided to spitball me, I mean c'mon Jackson what is this, 1986? Besides i highly doubt she's into you anyways." I don't know where this confidence came from but it was immediately gone when I felt immense pain on the right side of my face from, what I can only assume, a punch.

I stumbled back and fell flat on my ass, another punch came soon after, and then another, and then another. Seven punches we're thrown my way, my vision was blurry and I could barely feel my face, I saw a faint figure wearing pink coming towards us.

Tara POV

"JACKSON" I shouted, he stopped immediately and looked at me. "What do you think you're doing beating him up like that, have you no sense of shame for what you're doing?" He looked at me confused, as though he thought I'd appreciate this.

"I'm just showing Y/N here why I'm better than him and proving why I'm the perfect man for you Tara." He winked at me, he actually winked at me, gross.

I slapped him in the face infornt of everyone then kicked him in the balls, a barrage of laughter erupted from the corridor leaving his friends speechless and him curled up on the floor in pain holding his balls. I knelt down to him and whispered in his ear.

"If you ever come near Y/N again, you're dead. Do you understand me?" No answer came, only pained whimpers. "I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!" I shout. "Yes yes, please don't hurt me I'm sorry!" He cried, what a pathetic excuse for a human being, beating on someone for being 'weak' then behaving like this when someone stands up to him.

"Get the fuck out of here Jackson, and your friends" he ran away holding his balls, his friends following behind him; cowards, all of them. My attention turned to Y/N, who was pretty banged up from Jackson. He was crying and curled up in a ball, all eyes were on him but no one dared to make fun of him, not after what just happened to Jackson.

I kneel down to his level and console him, he thrashed my arms away thinking it was Jackson. "Shhhh it's okay Y/N, it's me Tara. It's okay now, everything's gonna be okay." I cooed softly in a calming tone. He opened his eyes and met my gentle brown ones.

I opened my arms for him "c'mere sweetheart" he threw himself into my arms and cried into my shoulder, poor baby. I've always had a crush on him and seeing him this upset broke my heart. "Let's get you out of here, yeah?" He nodded into my shoulder and I walked him out of the corridor; away from everyone's prying eyes.

Once we were outside I sat him down with me on a bench, still holding him close. "It's okay Y/N, it's just you and me now. Are you okay?" He shook his head, he was just pummeled in the face of course he's not okay, stupid question Tara.

"Why does he hate you so much, sweetie?" I ask, genuinely curious as to how someone could hate this magnificent boy. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Um... I have autism." He says, averting his eyes away from me as if I'd hate him for it.

"Is that it? That's why he bullies you?" I ask and he nods, what a piece of shit, to hate someone because they were born with a condition, and he thought I'd date him. He begins to cry again

"Please don't hate me, you're really nice to me and one of the only people who treat me with any kind of respect, I don't want to be bullied anymore!" He sobbed out, I held him tight against my chest which became wet with his tears but I couldn't care less about that.

He was shaking in my arms, those boys really tormented him. "Oh honey, I could never hate you for that. In fact, I've had the biggest crush on you since we met, you're so smart and sweet, you're so passionate about the things you like, you're so kind to everyone. Mindy's been bugging me to ask you out for the longest time."

He pulls back and looks at me utterly confused. "Really? You like me?" I reassure him "

I like you very much sweetie, and I'm honored that you told me about your autism, that's not an honor I take lightly." He smiled brightly, blush spreading across his cheeks. "There's that beautiful smile" I cooed.

"I've had a crush on you since we had ice cream together, you're very beautiful Tara." He said, now making me blush.

"Can I kiss your cheek sweetie?" I ask, not knowing whether he's comfortable or not. He nods and I plant a gentle kiss to both his cheeks, his smile could light up an entire city.

I wipe away the rest of his tears and hug him tightly again. "You're mine now Y/N, and I'm yours. You're safe now honey, no one will harm you ever again." I kiss his forehead and rock him gently in my arms.

"Thank you, Tara." He says quietly, he's been through hell and I'm glad I pulled him out of it.

"Don't thank me baby boy, you deserve to have peace. Just rest now, sweet boy. I've got you, everything's gonna be okay" I whisper, holding him closely, listening to the birds chirp as I rock him while sitting on the bench. After Woodsboro and what happened with Ritchies family a few weeks ago, I thought my life was gonna be bleak and miserable...

Turns out I was wrong.

[invpulse]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[hornithology]

Dojo AU

no-capes AU where Dick Grayson is a sensei at a Cuong Nhu dojo who teaches a tot class. Bruce Wayne brings 4yo Damian to the class and immediately falls in love with Dick.

this class was recommended to Bruce because Damian has 'behavioral issues' that have made it a nightmare to integrate him into kindergarten programs. Damian has gone through like 8 nannies. specialists have diagnosed him with autism and possibly ODD. Bruce is at his wits end. shouldn't the terrible twos be over by now???

so Bruce shows up at the dojo with his Emergency Damian Bag and teeny tiny demon Damian clinging to his pants. he called ahead and spent an hour talking to Dick to prepare him. Dick comes up to them to say hi in his white gi and Bruce is like—oh god help me this is the most beautiful man I have ever seen.

(the other senseis and regulars have seen this exact look pass over a parent's face many-a-time. it's par for the course with Dick! but also. this is BRUCE WAYNE.)

Dick kneels down and says, "Hello Damian, my name is Sensei Grayson. You can call me Sensei G."

Damian glares at him for a moment. and then lets out a cry and strikes him on the head with a chop.

Bruce is mortified. he is still not done processing the beauty that is Sensei Grayson and his horrible child has just hit him on the head! he's told Damian SO many times that he can't hit people!!!

Dick says, "ow" and frowns cause like. it didn't really hurt, but it's the kind of thing that could hurt someone and that's important to communicate with children.

Damian did like hitting this stranger but he does *not* like that Dick is 'upset'. he tears up and screeches, "YOU'RE WEAK I WON'T LEARN FROM YOU."

Bruce, so tired, "Damian—"

Dick, "Well, I can't make you learn. but if you don't take this class, you can't get a belt."

Damian narrows his little eyes into slits. Bruce holds his breath. is G's gambit going to work???

"I have a judo belt," Damian argues, which is true, but he is very much Not Allowed back at that Judo dojo.

"Ah," says Dick. "But you don't have a Cuong Nhu belt." he shows off the end of his tied belt, which is black and has four red stripes.

Damian grabs the end of Dick's belt and Bruce is having a meltdown. the disrespect! is it disrespectful in Cuong Nhu? but Dick doesn't seem to mind.

"You're Yondan," Damian says. like his father, he has a special interest in martial arts and learned all about the Judo ranks. "You haven't mastered yet!"

"I am fourth degree, yes, but the ranks are different in Cuong Nhu. did you know that Cuong Nhu is a blend of seven styles of martial arts, and one of them is Judo?"

Damian's eyes go big. "You know Judo?!"

redirect successful! "Come, I'll show you how to enter the dojo." Dick smiles up at Bruce who is so so so charmed and so so so afraid what Damian will do for the next hour of class.

[chronicbeans]

Hi! Since I saw the illustrator wally series I've been exited to request this, it was also sad to see how nobody has yet come with this idea or at least I haven't seen anyone else bring this up so here I come!

It will be interesting how It would work a relationship between Human wally and reader who has maladaptive daydreaming along with autism, I thought of how would it be to meet someone who has to experience something familiar with you. ( since maladaptive daydreaming can be described as a variant of schizophrenia with some small differences ) anyways, I'm a desperate for representation-

ET TU, BRUTE? Omg I maladaptive daydream too (if I am reading it right and you mean to say that you do IT-). My therapist says that I am like, addicted to it lol. My family counselor also likened my case more towards depersonalization/dissociation/a variant of DID due to me only daydreaming myself as other people. This is actually the first time I have heard of it being described as a variant of schizophrenia, but it actually makes a lot of sense, now that I think about it! I need more representation too, so let's do this! I'll try to make it as broad as possible, because everyone daydreams about different things!

Illustrator Wally with an Autistic Reader who Maladaptive Daydreams:

TW: Mentions of Hallucinations, Maladaptive Daydreaming

🖍️ He is a bit confused when he sees you pacing around your living room. He is visiting, and decided to try to surprise you by sneaking up behind you and giving you a gift! Now, though, he is a bit enamored by how you are prancing around, muttering little things to yourself as you seem so carefree and happy in your little world. This is the first time he has seen you like this.

🖍️ You finally end up turning around, in his direction, and your face grows a bit pale from shock and embarrassment. "Uh... Hello... I'm so glad you came to visit!" You try to play it off, but he is too intrigued. Maybe you are like him, and hallucinate, too?

🖍️ You explain what you were doing. You daydream... WAY more often than other people! Intense worldbuilding, character arcs, and more all take place in your head the majority of the day. You like to prance or pace, finding it helpful to feel more comfortable. You also tend to stim in other ways if you cannot pace or prance. The odd facial expressions and mutterings were just you getting in character and reacting to what was happening in your daydreams.

🖍️ Wally is intrigued. It is so... similar, but different, from him. Both you and him are autistic, yes. He's known that for a while, since you told him around the second or third meeting between you two. THIS, though, is so amazing to him. He wants to know more about the stories in your head!

🖍️What do they consist of? Are they horror? Romance? Action? Comedy? He wishes to know. Are you in them? Do you play someone else? Is it from a third person perspective, watching over your creations? If it is something child friendly, maybe you can write a book and he can illustrate it!

🖍️ Even if it is something more... dark, disturbing, overall NOT a kid friendly topic... he would still want to draw it! Maybe he can start to expand his illustrations into more adult books. He is shockingly good at drawing horror, you know. Some of his vent art is a really disturbing treat to view.

🖍️ You might get onto the topic of how both of your conditions are similar and different. You have a lot of characters floating around in your head. Different worlds, stories, everything! Wally does have, in a way, characters, too! The little voices in his head count, right? Sometimes the same one will pop up every now and again. Both of your conditions seem, in a way, uncontrolled. Due to Wally preferring to not use medications, he simply lives with the voices and hallucinations, going to therapy to help him cope and learn to live with it. You just go with the flow, in a way. As far as you've heard, the best and only way to help deal with it is therapy. No real medication or anything.

🖍️ You both are finally happy to find someone similar to yourselves. The best part is that it is similar enough to be familiar, but different enough to have such interesting conversations!

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hey, I hope it's okay if i ask for some advice !!

I've been experiencing an intense autistic burnout and haven't gone to school for 1 ½ months. It would take too long to explain, but I HAVE to go to school next week..I haven't been outside until today (with two friends for two hours to prepare myself mentally for school) and even little social interactions exhaust me terribly. Moreover, I am terrified to go to school and I am afraid that it will cause yet another burnout (which is inevitable while I am at school, but I don't want it to happen as soon). School exhausts me because of social interactions, masking, sensory issues etc..Do you have any tips/strategies on how to make my start into school less terrifying for me? My teachers don't know about my autism (except one) who's class I will attend on monday (I told them via chat a day ago, but we haven't talked about it personally yet). I am supposed to give my teachers the diagnosis in the next 1-2 weeks.

Thank you so much !!

Hi there,

I’ve found some articles that are possibly helpful:

I really hope one of these articles have some useful tips. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[sophieinwonderland]

I'm curious, are you aplatonic(spec)? Your story is very familiar, especially feeling like no one knows you, not knowing how to maintain relationships or what to say, ghosting people cause it's easier, not feeling like opening up.

I realized that I was just making excuses by saying that I am shy and I need time to warm up to someone. Blaming my social failure on trauma and depresson and autism. In reality I don't feel attachment or love. At best there's some faint intrigue towards a being, but not enough to warrant a steady friendship. I'm just not build for it.

Admittedly I do feel lonely, but I can't make myself feel a bond to a different vessel. I've tried, time doesn't improve it. Being shown affection just makes me want to flee. It's all empty and umcomfortable. So many things I'm expected to reciprocate that I'm not capable of.

I don't know... Honestly, this is the first I've heard of that term.

The thing is, when I first became self-aware, I wanted friends. I needed that social interaction and to talk to people outside of our head. And I did feel like I genuinely connected with people and enjoyed sharing things about myself with them.

I did struggle maintaining relationships too even back then, sometimes going weeks without responding to people.

I feel like my blog made it worse though, because it became a substitute. Anything I would have told friends before, I could announce to the world instead for content. And then telling the same things to friends made it seem like I was just repeating myself. And I didn't know who was following my blog of my friends, and if I told them what they already saw on my blog then that felt weird for some reason. Which yes, I realize is stupid.

So I had less time for my old friends, was second-guessing myself more, and felt like talking to the world was easier than talking to individuals.

And slowly, the friends I had who I really let in to see me fell away.

Then I didn't really connect as deeply with the people here.

I... feel like I chose a blog over these old friends I connected with and cared about. Because this felt right. It felt like this was what I was meant to do. My purpose.

I know that sounds silly to say, that my purpose in life is running a blog. But I wanted to raise awareness and help people who were like I was, who could live a fulfilling life if given a chance but might not even know they're real. And they deserved that opportunity. What I'm doing here feels like it's my calling.

And I have helped, haven't I? I've been able to answer questions about plurality, compile research, give advice to new systems, and spread awareness. So it feels worth it to me most of the time.

Did I feel as bonded to my friends as strongly as other people are? How could I possibly know that? But... maybe not quite as much. I don't know. I still wouldn't call that aplatonic since that feels like it would imply a complete lack of being able to form bonds with people which I know is untrue.

And... even though I'm not opening up to people here, and sometimes feel like an outsider, I do genuinely love the community here.

I define a friend, a true friend, as someone you can completely open up with and be yourself with. Someone who would see you for who you are and care about you anyway. Maybe that's too strict of a definition and a lot of people's friendships are more casual than this. But that's the type of bond I feel like I've been missing.

But I've bonded with the people here, even if it's from a distance. I'm continually amazed at everything orange-orchard-system manages to do for plurals here. I enjoy seeing Fenmere's posts about their own plurality because it's so different from what we experience and constantly gives me so many new things to think about. The Cambrian Crew have always been such a strong pillar of the community. And I've loved watching the Badeline of the Moonpool System grow into who she is today, running the incredible Protecting-Tulpas blog. And there are so many more.

I may not use the F-word with most of these people because I feel like it implies a deeper sort of connection that I find lacking.

But I do still care about people. I still cherish the interactions from my mutuals. I love seeing their posts and their perspectives.

And it's hurt to lose people along the way.

I don't think it would hurt to lose people if I didn't form attachments to them.

Aplatonic doesn't feel right to me.

[slasher-male-wife]

hi ziggy! i was wondering if you could write The Grabber with an Autistic reader. I haven't seen any fics with an autistic reader for him and I know I can trust you to represent us well

Holy crap people want me for representation? I feel honnored. Thank you for feeding into my brain rot and of course I will. I know autism is on a spectrum and that it's different for different people so I'm going to make it more general I guess? I might throw in some stuff I deal with because I'm a sucker for a bit of a self insurt but otherwise I keep it general.

The Grabber with an Autistic reader

Warnings: Kidnapping obviously, Stockholm syndrome

He’ll see the signs early on. How you cover your ears when Samson barks or when he opens the door. How you want the wall light to be on as little as possible. 

He sees you shaking your hand as you walk back and forth when he enters and how you seem to make some repeated movements when you seem stressed. 

He finds it odd you’re not very off put by his oddly cheery tone. You don’t even really notice his shift in tone unless it’s obvious. He’ll put off asking you anything for the first few weeks, or until the Stockholm syndrome sets in. 

When you explain you have autism he might be a bit confused but he’ll see it make sense. He’s never meet a person who told him they were autistic before so he might have to do some of his own research on it. And it’s the 70′s so it might not be the best. 

As he grows more obsessed with you and you grow closer to him he’ll allow you to shower and change your clothes (into his obviously). He’ll notice how you cringe at specific textures and have to touch your own clothes to get the feeling off of your hand. He’ll take note of the textures and avoid wearing and giving you them. 

I feel like he wears cologne and would notice if you shy away from being close to him even as the Stockholm Syndrome sets in. I feel like he might just stop wearing it or change it all together. 

As you get more open with him he’ll learn about your special interest and I feel like a few months in he’ll let you upstairs under heavy supervision and if it’s doable he’ll get you something to do related to your special interest, maybe you can keep it in the basement while he’s gone. 

He also loves hearing you talk so he will let you info dump. Doesn’t care what it is just talk to him. You wanna talk for 30 minutes about the lore of a movie franchise? Go ahead. Wanna go into detail of the process of how they make leather? He’s all ears. 

[etherealspacejelly]

New follower! You may get this question a lot but I'd love your opinion: Any advice for someone who knows they may have Autism and ADHD but keeps gaslighting herself because she's been gaslit by her family and medical professionals while seeking a diagnosis? I'm asking as a WOC as well (and it's 10x harder to seek treatment because of that alone)

hello! welcome :)

for autism and adhd self-gaslighting, and gaslighting from others, i always recommend making an evidence document. i have made posts about this before so i will give you the link to both so i can keep this as concise as possible.

i will never fully understand the struggle of medical gaslighting that women of colour face, as a white person myself, but i have heard a lot about it and it sounds incredibly frustrating, and in many cases can be downright dangerous. i am sorry you have experienced that, its not fair at all.

what i have heard can help is to bring someone with you to your appointments. find a friend, partner, or family member, preferably white and/or a man, who is willing to come with you to your appointments. just their presence in the room can make you more likely to be listened to. its ridiculous, i know, but if that's what it takes to get doctors to take you seriously then it's what you must do, unfortunately. make that privilege work for you!

another thing I've been told you can do is to say "my friends have told me that..." or "my partner says..." when you talk about your symptoms, even if they actually haven't. you know you have that symptom, and the doctor won't know the difference, but giving it in the form of other people's opinions can make them more likely to believe you than your own observations about yourself.

other than the evidence document, this advice is not mine. i have read it in posts made by people of colour, so please dont give me credit for it. i have a great deal of privilege in that i was taken seriously straight away, i recognise that. since you specifically asked me about it i wanted to help you as much as i could, but with no personal experience, i can only provide you with the wisdom of others.

i wish you the best of luck in your diagnosis journey!

[stimmingbabie]

My Take On Self DXing

Disclaimer: My definition of self diagnosing is putting in A LOT of time into researching, trying to get a professional diagnosis *first and foremost*, among other elements. Not just looking at the top 3 traits of a disorder and saying "that's me!", that is not recommended and I do not condone that! Please be safe <3

I'm making this post because I've gotten some comments here and there of people using my posts as a reason to self diagnose/suspect autism, BPD, etc (whatever else I post about). I do *not* condone using my posts as a tool for this, as this blog is all about my *personal* experiences with being neurodivergent. Everyone is so vastly different and I do not represent everyone with these disorders! However, as someone who has self diagnosed before getting professionally diagnosed (and still haven't been professionally diagnosed with them all!), I understand the need for an identity and an explanation for your experiences. So here's some reasons I support self diagnosing, some tips, and some warnings.

Why I support self diagnosing

Mental health care in certain locations are absolutely horrible. Where I live, mental health care is...very limited. The professionals in my area are trained in very few areas, mainly depression and anxiety, and are trained to do very specific types of therapies, medications etc. For example, in the ER I was given a xanax for a panic attack, and this worked wonders for me, however when going to a psychiatrist I was told they don't prescribe those on the off chance that someone will get addicted. Because of this, my anxiety has been overlooked and I've been given medications that did not work and has even given me a bad reaction. Needless to say, I stopped going to psych appointments. (I don't recommend this for everyone! This is just a personal experience).

Insurance isn't always an option. Without insurance, you will be paying out of pocket for evaluations, therapies and treatments. Even a diagnosis. An autism diagnosis here out of pocket is anywhere from $1k USD to $6k USD in most places for adults! That includes the two part evaluation and then having it on paper. I have what's called a pending diagnosis of autism, which means that I was given a basic screening (thankfully for free, but it costs $500 out of pocket on average here!), and the results were that I am very highly likely on the spectrum, but I can't afford to continue with the evaluation. So my health care team knows that I am autistic but will not put it on paper, therefore I can't get any accommodations with my insurance, and any accommodation that I need has to be listed for "anxiety", which my insurance doesn't see as a big enough problem in an adult to cover things for.

Being professionally diagnosed is a privilege. A lot of mental health professionals have a bias, and this is an unfortunate truth. Racism, sexism, classism, and even fatphobia play a huge part in how you're treated by the health care system, including mental health care. For example, if a healthy, average white cis man goes in and explains his symptoms and can afford to pay whether it be through insurance or out of pocket, he will be taken much more seriously than someone who is not any of the above.

Why I don't support certain self diagnosing disorders

A self diagnosis is not anywhere close to a substitution for a professional diagnosis. You will not get the proper therapy, treatment, or accommodations necessary by self diagnosing. You also won't be taken seriously by professionals if you walk into their office and say that you have a disorder, because their next question will be if you have documentation of the diagnosis. If you are suffering from a severe mental illness such as schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder, you will likely need treatment and therapy if at all possible. If you are able to get this, please do!! Do not suffer alone!!

Some disorders have overlapping symptoms...autism included. While I support self diagnosing autism to an extent, you have to realize that autism in a person who does not have high support needs will more often than not look very similar to ADHD, OCD etc etc. Autism being a spectrum can make it look like so many different things in so many different people. Someone with autism may be hyperverbal, able to read tone of voice and emotions with ease, and be outgoing, which are all traits that are not inherently apart of autism.

If you do not have *insert disorder that you self diagnosed*, you may be spreading misinformation. Many mental illnesses are already so stigmatized. Regardless of if YOU think that YOU have this disorder and that YOUR experiences are part of it, if you're wrong you may be adding to the stigma. For example, there are a lot of people who fake tourettes, dissociative identity disorder, etc. and this is very dangerous to people who actually suffer from these conditions. When self diagnosing please be mindful of others when you post about it publicly and be sure to specify that you are self diagnosed if you do! This is not meant to be mean or make you feel any less valid. Your experiences, regardless of your disorder or label, is 100% valid and you deserve to be taken seriously. But you have to realize that your words have impact on others.

"Tips" for self diagnosing

Don't! If you can easily get a professional diagnosis. See above points for why.

If you do, put in the research! This doesn't mean look up "autism spectrum disorder" on Google and look at the first 3 symptoms and decide that you resonate. Look up how it is professionally diagnosed, what the DSM-5 criteria is, and speak with/watch content creators, friends, family etc that have been diagnosed!

Take note of the different variations in different individuals. Do not watch one YouTube channel of a person with *insert disorder* and think that they represent the entire community. They do not. Not one single person represents an entire community, this goes for any, mental illnesses, physical illnesses, etc. If you know one person with autism you know one person with autism.

Research other conditions that are similar. You think you're autistic? Cool, research it as stated above! But don't forget to research ADHD, OCD, and other disorders that have overlapping symptoms! And yes, it is possible to have multiple, which is another reason why self diagnosing can be tricky.

ABOVE ALL ELSE: LISTEN TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED AND TO PROFESSIONALS!

There is no shame in telling someone, especially a therapist, that you think you have a disorder. What will likely happen is that the more you fight for yourself and your concerns the more you will be taken seriously and possibly given an opportunity to get a screening. The worst that will happen is that you'll self diagnose and get it wrong, but possibly be properly diagnosed! You know yourself better than anyone. Regardless of what label you have, you are valid, you are loved and you will be okay. If you ever have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out to me! I'm here for you!

For transparency, this is my situation:

Autism - pending diagnosis, see above ADHD - diagnosed PTSD - diagnosed Dissociative identity disorder - diagnosed, previously self diagnosed Borderline personality disorder - sort of pending. was told by a therapist that it seems more likely that I have BPD than bipolar disorder, but it was never screened. self diagnosed Bipolar type 1 with psychosis - diagnosed, mixed beliefs from different professionals, personally undiagnosed Eating disorder - diagnosed (will not elaborate, am in recovery!)

[irritablepoe]

no but ive only read a tell tale heart from the real author but just from that,,,i dont think poe would be very normal abt relationships especially with ranpo......i didnt finish perfume by patrick suskind (got kinda bored not bc it's bad but bc i just found something i like more ) but the secretive and quiet but extreme obsession of the main character reminded me so much of poe??? and i think i read somewhere that the real ranpo chose edogawa rampo as a penname because it sounds so much like edgar allan poe and even rampo's book title is like poe’s right it only added japanese at the beginning before the ‘tales of mystery and imagination’ so it's not rlly far off that their bsd counterparts would totally be paranoid and intense w each other <333

dont be sorry abt loving this ship a lot!! in fact,,,if possible, could u share a lil bit more of ur headcanons abt them hehehheehehhe i dont see them portrayed in this light often (like u said v v rare)

i think telltale heart is a good example of poe's writing tbh, his works often revolve around obsession and delusion but also with grief if you look at "the raven" for example (especially his poems are about grief and death a lot so)

i've not read perfume but i know the general plot i think and yeah it probably fits well

AND YES edogawa rampo chose this pen name partly bc of edgar allan poe, he also references poe's works in his mysteries which is fun!! both of them also partly write horror, especially edogawa rampo's works shook me to the core, it's so well-written but also so disturbing, i wouldn't recommend them just like that bc of body horror and uhh fetish writing ig? but the cases of akechi kogoro are also so fun to read as well and you can actually try and solve the mystery yourself!!

ANYWAYS, this was a lot of praising lol, i just really really love both of their works :D and these works are also part of why i think they're both fucked up in the head lol

my biggest headcanon i'm saving for when my fanfic catches up to what i've already written lol, so i'm not spoilering that (but if you wanna know i can dm you :3)

other headcanons that i've curated during the past months:

poe has some sort of dissociative disorder, he dissociates when he's too overstimulated or sth triggers him, also he possibly struggles with intrusive thoughts

ranpo has autism and npd

poe has a brother in america, his parents died when he was young

he had a drug or alcohol problem after he lost to ranpo - the guild giving him an opportunity to get revenge motivated him enough to mostly recover though

poe has some really dark fantasies and sometimes he lets it slip during crime investigations - ranpo doesn't mind, he's even amused

ranpo also secretly loves it when poe brags

ranpo and poe started stalking each other (maybe even since the beginning) until one of them realised and send a very clear signal that the other couldn't miss and since then they've been flirting via sending secret messages in a language only they know to each other - basically consensual stalking (yes i'm completely normal)(also i haven't decided who realised first but it was probably ranpo - i love the thought of ranpo getting all flustered too tho)

poe didn't only lose to ranpo in that mystery game. he also lost his reputation, his friends, his admirers. there was more going on there, they probably met before the competition and they were intrigued by each other before it all went downhill

when poe isolated himself he only had contact to his brother who desperately tried to get him out of his headspace. but he himself isn't the best at having stable relationships + he's also an alcoholic (inspired by irl poe's brother henry)

they're both incredibly jealous and do anything to keep the others attention on them (ranpo giving candy to poe to get his attention back, poe being pretty dramatic and acting up a lot, also obeying every wish ranpo has)

ranpo must have told poe about fukuzawa and fukuchi for him to be able to write about their past for when they were drawn into his novel - so that means they actually sat together and talked about their past. which is insane to me

i do have another headcanon post but i couldn't find it ahhh, but it has to be buried somewhere in all the ranpoe postings lol

okay that was a lot, thank you if you read all that tho hehe :3 and thank you for asking, i love talking about them hsdkjfsdhjfs

[reilleclan-blog]

I was really hoping I could leave my abusive mother but I'm still stuck here. I had lost hope with certain things until I got a call about an apartment and I thought it'd be this but the universe keeps taking opportunities away from me I don't understand what I'm supposed to do . I feel trapped and yeah I feel like I will never escape I don't make enough money for the apartment and it's possibly gone to someone else. I tried getting another client but they haven't reached out to me since last week. Literally posting on the internet and interacting with others is all I have most ppl in my life wouldn't care about anything I feel pride over. I don't want to argue I don't want to fight . I don't I just want to live but it's hard all the time.

At this point I'm gonna say a lot of stuff that is stressing me out and if that means "exposing" then I guess so. My mother began spam texting me to clean .. basically the entire house b/c I'm home or b/c "I don't work a real job" I work part time and with my adhd and autism I'm lucky I still have a job. But I don't understand why I'd ever have to clean this big ass house ON MY OWN when I've cleaned it MULTIPLE times on my own just for my mother to re dirty it not even trying to keep it clean how it was. It feels like if she wants to talk to me she talks to me just to boss me around and that's it. She doesn't have problems with other ppl's daughters helping them or FEEDING them. Cause btw when I moved back in with my mother she wouldn't feed me she'd go out not saying where or when she'd be back and have leftovers spoil or wouldn't let me have anything when she knew I wasn't working and knew I was barely eating.

So yeah the little money I had "saved" went to buying $100 worth of groceries or fast food cause I didn't have many options. And again I'm fucking disabled but nobody cares about that b/c I'm not "disabled on the outside". But back to cleaning this house MOST OF THE MESS is from my MOTHER everything is from my mother. I'm not perfect I have some clothes I haven't picked up a couple unwashed dishes but most of that is from my mother and her doing favors for ppl b/c she wants to be liked or whatever.

I don't have a problem helping my mom but when I'm being berated and told I'm lazy just for this lady to spam text me to clean up HER MESS. And for her to call our family to tell them I'm lazy.. and I'm just wasting oxygen in this stupid fucking house.. that's not a good feeling at all. And I hate that I care for my mother but if I don't do something her way or right away or (in this case cleaning an entire downstairs by myself when it has papers and arts and crafts and HER SHOES and she has a TON of clothes she's bought) I'm immediately "the bad guy" I'm so tired of these fucking ppl I'm so tired of family saying "we don't know what went on in that house" THATS RJFHT U DONT SO WHY THE FJCK DO YALL MAKE ME THE VILLIAN B/C U SEE ONE ASPECT OF OUR LIVES OR INTERACTIONS. I'm so fucking tired THIS IS LKKE EVERYDAY MESS.

Yes I'm not the cleanest but I KEEP MY MESS IN MY ROOM AND MY ROOM WOULD LOOK LIKE THE CLEANIEST IN THIS BITCH IF U SEEN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. IM TJRED I WANT TO LEAVE I WANT TO FUCKING EXPERIENCE THAT MAYBE SOMETHING CAN BE GOOD OUT THERE INSTEAD OF LIVING IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. AND MIND U WHEN I WAS ASKING MY MOTHER FOR HELP WITH THE APARTMENT SHE TOLD ME SHE EOULD HELP THEN CHANGED HER MIND AND I BEGSN TK CRY MY EYES IUT BECAUSE JF IT WAS ANYONE ELSES KID SHE WOULD HELP THEM THEN LETTER SHE GAVE ME WHAT I NEEDED BUT WHY WHY DO I CONSTANTLY NEED TK BE HURT BY THESES "ADULTS" IM TOLD IM LOVED BUTNI HAVE NEVER DELT IT NEVER

MY DAD IS JUST S HUSK OF A DUDE I CALL DAD IM SO FUCKING TIRED IM TIRED . I THINK ABOUT SUICIDE ALMOST ALL THE TIME BECAUSE J FEEL BROKEN I FEEL ALONE THATS ALL I FEEL I FUCKING HATE THJS PLACE I actually sh and at this point it really just feels like only options. I feel trapped I try to embrace myself with hobbies I love but I constantly see stuff I don't have or what others have or what's happening around our world but I'm still stuck in this hell hole feeling trapped. I'd say I have become happier as a person but my mother just takes it away and finds any reason to hate me. Yes it feels like she hates me and my father and at this point I don't think anyone can convince me they don't. I want to forget everything and move on but my brain constantly brings up my trauma I don't want to remember it.

If u tell me to "just be positive" I might shoot someone in the face. I'm JOKING HAHAHA I'm just so lost I wish I felt like I was cared for I wish someone would even care as I type this out. Nobody cares not even my blood

I don't think anyone wouldn't care if i disappeared but it'd be too late for anyone to care. I'm sorry I can't hold on I don't know

[autistpride]

Hi.. I hope you don't mind a bit of a long ask. So I've seen from your posts that you have autism, and I was wondering if I could have your opinion on something. More recently I've been questioning if I might have autism myself, but I'm really unsure about it and my family seems pretty adamant that I don't. The main reason that they think I don't is because they're used to stereotypes, and they don't think I could have it because I understand and use a lot of sarcasm, even though I've told them that it's a spectrum and everyone is different. Of course I know that your opinion won't make up for an official diagnosis, but as of now I'm too embarrassed to even mention that I MIGHT have it, because if I'm wrong I'll feel like one of those people who fakes disorders or something. So, if you're willing to listen, I was going to list out some of the traits that I've been called 'weird' or 'alien' over, and see if maybe you think they could possibly mean autism? I hope that's okay with you 😅

•I always get the exact same foods from restaurants that I go to frequently. If they don't have what I usually get, I most likely won't eat anything at all.

•Speaking of those foods, I always eat them in the exact same order. The burger, then the fries, then the nuggets. The breadsticks, then the fish, then the shrimp, y'know? I don't know when or why I started doing this, I've just sort of always done it.

•I have a huge problem staying still, something that I get very self conscious about in public. I'm always tapping my feet, rocking back and forth, clicking something in my hands, chewing on water bottle caps, and just generally refusing to sit in one spot. I also love to pace when I'm trying to formulate ideas, as I feel it really helps me think.

•I can't stand wearing jeans. I mean I won't go crazy if I have to, but they always make me feel restricted. I thought for a while that it was just how restricting they were, but I've found that other tight pants don't make me feel the same way?

•I DESPISE nail files. I can't explain it, but just the sensation of that sandpaper-like stuff rubbing against my nails activates my fight or flight response, I just feel like bolting it gives me bad goosebumps all over.

•I hyperfixate on stuff hard, I pick things up quick but also drop them hard. Recently I picked up DC/Batfam as a hyperfixation and I've been fully leaning into it ever since, spending pretty much all of my time making art or stories about it (Or at the very least thinking about the characters in some way). However back a few years ago I was hyperfixated on Markiplier Egos, and then one day I just.. Dropped it out of nowhere, and haven't been able to pick it back up since.

•This one's really iffy but I feel like I get irritated a lot super super easily, and I used to think it was just anger issues but for one: It's almost never something to get upset about, and for two: It usually happens when I've been talking to someone for a little too long or when someone interrupts my quiet time. So if we're going with the whole maybe autism thing, it might be overstimulation..? Idk..

•I'm super light sensitive, pretty much every time I go outside I say 'Wow it's bright out there" when I come back in. It's so noticeable that I used to not only notice, but attribute it to an eye injury I had once. Except that injury wasn't serious and is fully healed, so that's probably not it.

•I have a lot of trouble speaking sometimes. I feel like my words never come out the way that I want them to, and I often end up slurring them around so much that what I'm trying to say becomes pretty much incomprehensible, which always makes me frustrated because I get misunderstood a lot.

•I don't really understand what other people are feeling most of the time, and I get annoyed when they won't just tell me what they want instead of vaguely hinting about it and expecting me to know what they need.

•I'm always being told to speak up because I 'mumble', even though I think I'm talking at an acceptable volume.

•I ramble. A lot. (Sorry 😭👍)

But yeah, those are just some of the thing that I've been jokingly called 'strange' for over the years. Like I said earlier, I know that your opinion is nothing like an actual diagnosis, but hearing your thoughts on whether or not I might have it would mean a lot to me since you're someone who's been diagnosed!

Hi annon!

Let me preface this by saying I'm so proud of you for really taking the time to think about all this and dig into your life and behaviors.

Then to ask someone about it is very brave!

I wish there was a way to reply without showing your entire ask message. I feel terrible sharing your private thoughts with everyone.

I'm not a professional so I don't feel qualified to say yes or no. And as much as I want to give you some reassurance, I can't give you something definite. Especially when I don't know you in order to form a proper opinion.

Yes many of those things are things that indicate you could be autistic.

There is a lot of overlap and they could be things related to other Neurodivergent diagnosis such as ADHD, anxiety, OCD, etc and not just autism.

However, I will say if you're even questioning if you're autistic it's a pretty good chance you're autistic or some kind of Neurodivergent. Most neurotypical people often don't think this hard on if they could be autistic or not. 😉

You have put a lot of thought into this and my suggestion is to keep researching and doing what you're doing. Keeping notes also if you'd like. Why?

Because....

1. Keeping notes and continuing research allows you to have a record of everything.

2. The notes would also come in handy for if you ever seek an assessment.

3. With more time, you will become more self aware and confident in your thoughts on what you believe about if you're autistic. You can then sit down with your family and explain why you think you're autistic.

4. If the comes a time you'd like to try an assessment, you can talk to a gp or therapist if you have one and have them place the appropriate things for you to have that done. Your family needn't be part of the process if you're of legal age. But you may need adult permission for the evaluation if you are considered a minor.

5. Self diagnosis is valid in the autism community. Its valid because a diagnosis is very challenging for many to obtain, and in some situations dangerous.

This doesn't mean someone just wakes up one morning and says "oh I think I'm autistic today". No. They have done hours and hours of research and evaluated their own life, mannerisms, and behaviors, and said "I really think I'm autistic."

Self diagnosised individuals get the benefit of knowing themselves and finding support in the community without ever getting access to supports any official way. They can't get school/work accomodations, financial assistance, medical/mental health services, or really any supports put in place that require an official diagnosis to obtain.

Some would claim self diagnosis isn't valid due to exactly what you pointed out, making a claim of a diagnosis without qualifications and due to the huge overlap and other factors, but the wait times, cost, and unfortunately things like race and gender are barriers to obtaining an assessment and diagnosis. I know in the UK the current NHS wait time is 7-10 years unless you go private. I know in the US getting an assessment as an adult is challenging as most professionals won't evaluate people over 18 and the cost is upwards to $7k depending on location because most insurances won't cover it.

You are always welcome to continue messaging me. I'm happy to answer any questions and I honestly enjoy talking to people when I can.

And in case no one's told you

You're not broken, a burden, and there is nothing wrong with you!

Be your best and amazing self! ✨

[multifandumbmeg]

Random update per my fics:

Sorry I haven't updated in the last few days. I usually try to write some every day, but I took a day off to plan Golden Glint and then finished the mini fic (Reckoning of Mike Carrera) I started before it because that's what I wanted to write and I wanted to finish it.

On the topic of all my in-progress fics, my writing just isn't consistent right now. I mentioned a while ago that I'm going through AO3 author's curse and would eventually expand on that, so since I'm extremely frustrated and paralyzed from being productive today I'll do that now.

Starting from winter/late fall of 2022 I got sick and basically never got better. I was having illness after illness that meds weren't solving, and my headaches just got more and more frequent until they were every day for at least three months. By the time I came home from Korea, I was having full-blown debilitating migraines every day and attacks where I would almost pass out and couldn't breathe. It took me a couple months but I got on insurance, started a new job, and managed to convince my parents to let me focus on getting my health together this year.

It's been extremely difficult and frustrating because US healthcare, but I found out I do not in fact have ANY allergies despite doctors telling me I do, literally putting me on allergy shots for a year, and telling me that was the cause of migraines, inability to breathe, and constant illness, none of which were true. I had to prove this to them by fighting to see an actual allergist and getting re-tested which costs me hundreds of dollars out of pocket, but at least the allergist was a good dude who wrote a SCATHING letter to my primary care demanding I be sent to the proper specialists for my symptoms. Several blood tests and medications later, we have whammy number two:

The hypoglycemia I was diagnosed with as a teenager was not in fact random. Instead, I have hyperthyroidism caused by Graves Disease. Except I ALSO have Hashimoto's Disease, because I am just so special like that. Basically, rather than allergies like I was always told, I have been getting every single sickness that rolled by for the past several decades and because I was so used to being sick and so criminally gaslit about it, I didn't even know I was ill and just kept going. Thyroid also has tumors on it. I may also have other autoimmune disorders, or thyroid cancer, but I won't know until I finally see an endocrinologist an hour away later this month.

Though my daily migraines stopped last summer, I still get frequent headaches and now extremely bad ones (or migraines) every time it rains. Generally, there seems to be some kind of inflammation issue where my body over-reacts to literally everything by swelling up and causing more problems.

Possibly tied to that, I was in pain every single day at work. Considering my age, there is no normal reason I should be crippled by joint pain but that is yet to be solved. I now only work two days a week, which has helped significantly, but I am still consistently in a ton of pain two days a week, sometimes three as a rebound.

In January, before I had gotten any diagnoses, my parents gave me an ultimatum that they were kicking me out in May. I had to beg them to go part-time because I simply could not keep up with job applications while I was so constantly tired and pain. After sobbing for two straight days about the inevitability of becoming homeless because I can't afford to or logistically live on my own, my mom convinced my dad to let me go part time on the condition that I continue to pay the same rent Ive been paying to live in one of their empty spare rooms.

In February, I went in for the first appointment toward getting an Autism screening. The therapist suggested I get an ADHD test and recommended me for the official autism screening, saying I have a solid case for suspecting. After a little computer game and another talking appointment, slightly to my own surprise (especially because of how easy it was) I was clinically diagnosed with ADHD. I recently started meds for that and it has made basic tasks and job applications infinitely easier to the extent it's insane, plus my final Autism screening is next week and based on my results every step of the process so far diagnosis seems likely.

All that said, the job search process has been soul-destroyingly frustrating. I have a masters degree in a specialized field, backed up by a Bachelor's in a relevant field, years of study abroad and work abroad (which is relevant to my career path) and a track record of excellent academic achievement. I also speak French and Korean near-fluently and am conversational in Romanian and Russian, as well as knowing a fair few phrases in a number of other languages. Every job I've had has stressed me out to the point of quitting by around a year (hello Autism), but also none were related to what I studied at all, highly customer service oriented, and still every one would tell you I was one of the best employees they ever had and begged me to stay. Even with this track record, after literally HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS of applications (which in my field almost always require a cover letter, often questionnaires and lengthy short answers, or even writing samples in addition) I have had ONE interview in four years. ONE. And I was so heinously underqualified for that hail-Mary I'm 99% certain they only interviewed me to meet a quota. As you can imagine, for someone with highly probable AuDHD, doing the same thing over and over for 4 years with a 100% failure rate is enough to make me want to dive into a lake with a pile of bricks chained to my back.

I'm still months out from seeing a neurologist about my headaches and general constant pain, I don't have a plan of action for my buck-wild medical anomaly thyroid, and I don't know if my parents are kicking me out next month. They haven't brought it up so maybe with my recent headway on the Peace Corps application (was told I stand a very good chance, but that's another contract job overseas, further pushing back my ability to find a stable, long term career job) and slew of diagnoses and medications, my dad is cooling off a bit. I don't know.

All that to say my body is crumbling out from under me, my job is stressful, and despite being extremely qualified and putting in so much effort, I have zero long-term life prospects. Sometimes, that results in me diving whole-hog into writing for fun and as an outlet, other times I'm too tired or need to bury myself in mindless content consumption or days of spending every spare moment staring at my ceiling in silence until I maybe fall asleep. Did I also mention the crippling lifelong insomnia which my ADHD meds (along with rapid weight loss I'm desperately trying to curb because I'm already borderline underweight due to my thyroid) are exacerbating?

Anywyay. Point is I'm very tired and stressed so my writing is going to be much less consistent than in the past. Hope you understand. Also just an update for my online friends. TMI but I needed to rant and put it out there for those wondering to lower expectations.

[desultory-suggestions]

I'm scared to recover because it kind of feels like who i am now, and I'm really scared of gaining weight because I'm already considered a healthy weight. Since i was about age 4, i was considered "unhealthy" by the bmi chart. And I'm so scared to get back to that. The mean comments get to me so much, and things online about foods being unhealthy and my unrestricted body being bad or unhealthy too. Do you have any advice or tips? I'm also autistic and I don't get hunger cues. Professional eating disorder treatments haven't helped me, and I want to be able to make my own choices (they never seem to understand my autism and say it's the ed when it's not.) , so if i tried recovery, it would be at home with my family.

Hello, my dear. This is actually an extremely common fear and one that I had too. Sometimes, it still crosses my mind. Your eating disorder is the least interesting thing about you. It doesn't define you, and it doesn't make you any better of a person. In fact, all it does is create suffering for a beautiful person who has so much life to share. You are good, and so much energy and life is sapped away from you by this disorder. You will be shocked by how much you can accomplish when you are no longer under the thumb of an eating disorder. Your energy, your happiness, everything is ten times better. Every pound you may gain comes with added health and joy for your life. The people worth keeping in your life, want you to be the healthiest and happiest you can be.

You can be considered a healthy weight, but that doesn't mean you are a healthy weight for you or that you are maintaining it healthily. If you have to starve to be that weight, it is not a healthy weight. We are so afraid of the idea of bodies, weight, and being fat that we tell ourselves it's better to suffer than change, and that is just not true. There is nothing wrong with gaining weight or being fat. When we say every body is a good body, we mean every body. Working on dismantling our engrained fatphobia and obsession with thinness is vital to recovery. I was considered healthy at the pinnacle of my ED, and trust me I was not. Your body has a healthy weight range it can happily and naturally live within, and you deserve to let it live.

Interjection, never ever ever ever ever ever (this goes on for several more days) EVER listen to the goddamn BMI again. I cannot even begin to explain the absolute bogus that BMI charts and scales are. They mean nothing. There are ways to measure health with health professionals, BMI is not one of them even if a professional tells you it is. Research points to many issues with such scales. I am so so sorry anyone ever even told you such a thing. No one should be measuring your worth by your body. Generally, work towards avoiding all such scales. Even if it was accurate, so what? If you have personal health concerns you can address them with a professional, but being fat doesn't equal being unhealthy either. No one gets to measure your worth.

You will likely always see fatphobia and misinformation online, but it can be reduced. Unfollowing anyone who makes you feel lesser or increased ED issues is extremely important. And don't worry! There are so many amazing blogs to replace them with! Check out who I reblog from for some wonderful people who will remind you that you are worthy and loved in every form you take.

I can totally understand why conventional ED recovery specialists don't work for you. While you may be able to find someone who specifically works with autistic people or is autistic as well, you also may need to focus on what you can do for yourself. It is possible to recover without that standard treatment, but I still encourage speaking to a therapist in general. If hunger cues are an issue, you may find scheduling meals to be more helpful. You can play to eat with company to have support or to eat alone but have someone checking on how much you manage to eat. You can make a meal plan with a REGISTERED dietician (avoid plain nutritionists, as they often do not require a formal education) and follow along to get what your body needs. Whenever you do happen to sense hunger, follow it and eat! It can be rare, and maybe it doesn't happen at all. But if it does trust in it. Work on eating foods you are afraid of, small increments are still progress. Stock up on foods you love, and that you want to enjoy without shame.

Extra Tips:

I watch videos while I eat to reduce anxiety and shame. I love watching people who are food positive! Keith Eats the Menu helped me so much in recovery because I could see him and his friends all shamelessly enjoying their meals along with me.

I challenged myself to eat things that scared me once a week. Even if it is just a bite.

I recommend using a big Sharpie and hiding all the nutritional facts on food/drink packaging. You can also ask a friend! It feels like you will never forget those numbers, but trust me you do. It helps to also focus on all the good that is in it. Every food item holds nutrients and vital resources for us, every food item.

Keep affirming yourself, and as much as possible remove those who devalue you. It may not be completely possible, but even so keep adding the people into your life who treat you and your body with respect.

I know you can get through this. You are so much more than your disorder, and I can't wait to see how you grow.

Best,

Evan