#i known next to nothing about religion in general sorry

[neurotypical-sonic]

Angel motif super Sonic. Thoughts?

Initial thought: eh, not a fan, I'm not religious and seeing specifically Christianity constantly incorporated into characters kinda irks me (when said character has no ties to it, at least). that being said I dont really have strong opinions on it

After taking two seconds to think about it: a super sonic design inspired by biblically accurate angels would look cool and the world building behind it could be interesting. the chaos energy just fucks him up and warps his very being

[oonajaeadira]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you for the tag, @insomniamamma. For the record, I think you write beautiful smut. I appreciate it for its realness and connection.

How many works do you have on ao3? Aw man, you made me log into my AO3 account? I haven't been around there recently because I feel bad about leaving some messages unanswered. Tumbletown is my main fic home and I haven't really had the time to post here, much less on AO3. (Answer the question Adira.) It says I have 19. I don't post there until they're here and sometimes don't crosspost. Mainly I've been posting over there only if I have a complete series, although sorry LMR readers both there AND here.

2. What's your total ao3 word count? 260,317. Seeing as how not even half of my fic is up over there, I cringe to think of what my actual wordcount is.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Pedro Pascal. Which is an umbrella for the actual fandoms contained therein.

4. Top 5 fics by kudos According to AO3? Losing My Religion, A Girl Walks Into a Bookshop, A Rare Treat, The Sweets Series, Eyes Closed, Comm Open. According to Tumblr: Good. Things. Take. Time. (this one's a Tumble exclusive, dunno if I'll ever AO3 that one), Losing My Religion, Dulces Suenos, The Sweets Series, A Girl Walks Into a Bookshop.

5. Do you respond to comments? I do. Every one. I know I'm behind on some and I'm sorry about that. I let that bother me enough that it's getting in the way of my writing and I shouldn't do that.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I don't like to leave angst hanging and only use it as a trampoline for a happy ending, but I guess the closest thing I have would be A Kiss Before Dying and in Death We Combine. Even if it ends in "death," at least they get to be together.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? All of them? LOL. Of the multi-chapters I've actually finished, probably A Girl Walks Into a Bookshop.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Only in passing. There were the mean girls that were kind of being catty over on a few other blogs about GTTT when it blew up much to my surprise (yes, of course I saw all of that, mean girls gonna mean). I remember some comment about not trivializing massage therapists just because I have a shitty back.... and all I could think was, hey. First of all, I can tell you didn't even read it, you're just mad about it blowing up. Not my fault. Next. Don't talk about my back. You wouldn't like being injured and having people talk smack about a piece of your body that gives you pain beyond comprehension, y'bigot. Also not my fault. Once I realized they were just mean girls meaning, I let it roll off and got my own satisfaction by writing a pretty bomb series based on some of their prompt lists that I never would have seen if I hadn't been clued into the smack. Turn that hate into something great!

9. Do you write smut? I do. Not exclusively and it's never the main dish of the story. If it does show up, it's usually the result of a long period of longing and/or feelings exchange.

10. Craziest crossover? I'm not a crossover gal. Every once in a while I'll write an easter egg into another fic (there are several in GTTT), but nothing heavy duty. There was the time The Mandalorian got something of a cameo in a Sweet's fic tho....

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Oh gods, I hope not. That would suck. I hate blocking people.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? YES! But not in the way you might think! @katareyoudrilling did an amazing job translating the first chapter of Good. Things. Take. Time. into a sexytime roleplay script!!!! I'M STILL SQUEEING ABOUT IT.

13. Have you co-written a fic before? In a way. For a while when RP accounts were in full swing, I was falling very much in love with the adventure I was creating with @morally-gray-prospector. That account was so amazing, run by one of the smartest writers I've ever known here, but they were TOO good and poured themselves generously into their responses, which got them quite a following...and they burned themselves out! While my story with Ezra didn't have an ending, I never expected it to. I meant it when I said it to the writer: I'm just so happy to have an adventure with Ezra and every minute working on it was a joy that I will love forever. I'm glad they had fun too and didn't keep pushing themselves when it was no longer sustainable. <3

All time favorite ship? It's Din and Little Bird. Now that I know how that story is going to soft-end, they're my favorite couple of all time.

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will Oh, I'll finish them all. Right now, Branded is in the most danger of lingering, since I have to figure some stuff out with them. But if I could solve the puzzle of Losing My Religion, then I have no doubt that I'm eventually going to get on with that one too.

What are your writing strengths? I don't know what my strengths are, but I like the magic of showing without showing. I like pacing. I enjoy trying to get the characters' voices right and make the dialog real.

What are your writing weaknesses? I am slow. And I make a show of "not following the rules" as if I'm some kind of rebel, but really, I'm just bad at following rules!!!!

Thoughts on dialogue in another language I try to avoid it for the most part because I usually mess it up pretty badly. I generally don't write Din in Mando'a because I haven't really heard him speak it in the series and he seems to always default to Basic even if he understands it spoken to him, so I can't shake the feeling that it's out of character. But Little Bird is a Mandalorophile, so she'd definitely know it and use it. I do sometimes pull in Spanish for Sweets, but it's usually because it's two characters who actually would speak it when Sunday's not around, and even then I try to make sure it's basic enough for folks to follow. The one time I tried to put Italian in I messed it up pretty good, but a beautiful reader helped correct it for me and I'm so so so grateful. <3

First fandom you wrote for I know I have a Doctor Who piece in a notebook somewhere hidden away. And I most likely have a slew of Ranma pieces from my college days. Were there any before that? Possibly.

Favorite fic you've written I have too many. I write really slow, so if it's actually made it to Tumbles, that means I loved it enough to manifest it. Some of them I love because of the fandom, some because of the relationship, some because of the world building, some because of the interaction, and most because of the good time I had writing it. Right now I'm seeing people reading Losing My Religion, and I've had reason to dip into some of those chapters and re-read a little and it's reminded me how much I love writing for the Star Wars universe, how much confidence I have in it. That was the first fic I really wrote, and I put so much of myself into it... so if I choose a favorite, I'll point there first even if it's not really finished yet.

.

tagging: @blueeyesatnight @ezrasbirdie @missredherring @leslie-lyman @prolix-yuy

[ivysangel]

Omg I’m watching yj rn cuz I haven’t seen the show since maybe 2012 or 2013 so it’s been a while for this girl and I have no one else to talk to about this.

~Mild spoilers ahead for those who haven’t caught up~

But I just have to say that the writers are gonna be fending off more then just these hands for the bloody time skips they did. When s1 ended I was so excited for season 2, and then after a quick recap of the new years scene we get blasted 5 years later!!!?!?!?! uHMMMM HELLO?!?!???? WTF IS THIS ??? I WAS EXPECTING TEAM BEHAVIOUR AND THIS IS SO NOT TEAM BEHAVIOUR!!! I WANTED GROWTH!! I WANTED TO GET TO LIKE THESE CHARACTERS MORE AND UNDERSTAND THE RELATIONSHIPS!! And they hit us with the oop aqualad is now an enemy, yeah Tula joined the team but died, Dick and Zatanna aren’t together but he’s with Barbara now, Barb is also disabled, Jason was a part of the team for a while but of course died, etc etc like it was huh after huh after HUH cuz a lot can happen in 5 years and I’m cheesed we didn’t have season 2 to ride the wave a little longer with the team while they were midteens before we got a switch up and suddenly they’re in their 20s and mentoring, and we got introduced to a new team like 2 or 3 times

And with each time skip I’d just get more and more steamed cuz this feels like when you have a friend that you’ve known for ages but suddenly decides to drop new lore and you’re like 👁️👄👁️ what do you mean you were pregnant at 15 and found out at a Wendy’s bathroom????? Like it felt like being hit with a truck hearing all the things that happened during the time skip cuz as of right now I’m on the latest season and there’s queer relationships that were dropped like a bomb. Don’t get me wrong I’m not mad about it at all but with kal I was like who?when?? And with Lagoonboy I was like aww he looks so happy with her! Wait did she just say husband??? But that’s not….. omg this dude is a home wrecker!!! ohhhhh ok he’s in a poly relationship…. WAIT A MINUTE A POLY RELATIONSHIP??? It was just coming out of nowhere unless I missed hints being dropped in earlier episodes or seasons. Probably the sap in me but I would’ve liked to be introduced to these other characters and see how they caught feelings and got together instead. We’ve had a few episodes about Halo figuring herself out both with sexuality and gender preferences, and her religion as well which does make sense when you were previously a living machine. But nothing for Kaldur or lagoonboy???? I would’ve loved to have seen that unfold instead of some other episodes that were more of a snooze fest for me

hihihi sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for so long, i got this crazy influx of yj related asks that were all so long so i've been spacing out my responses!!

but you are so right, the time jumps are so heinous because half the time we don't even get flashbacks to supplement any of the missing plot. they fully just drop bombs on the viewers and expect everyone to just accept it. it's very jarring to get attached to a team and then see the whole team split up the next season with absolutely no warning.

(also idk why this just came to mind but does anyone else remember when orm was camped out in that house trying to kill everybody at that birthday party???? what the fuck was that about??? was that crucial to the plot...did i miss smth)

BUT YEAH. there's a whole lot of "did i miss something"s floating around for s2-4. i would literally sit in front of a paused screen and try to figure out if any dots connected bc i was so lost.

i also really liked how we got halo's sexuality and gender identity arc but i do wish they had done the same for kaldur since he's such a massive part of the show. i wouldn't be mad at one for lagoon boy either, but his plots generally don't mean as much for me since he was really only there as a piece of the m'gann + conner plot.

[hihimissamericanbi]

hiiii lantern, amber, & quilt please 🍂🎃🧡

Hi 🫦🫴🏼🫴🏼💦 (sorry) (🫦) (sorry)

🎃Lantern: best friend lore

Sorry babe you opened up the floodgates on this one.

I have several best friends and all their lore is remarkable. One of them I've known since I was four and we bonded over our love for spiders and playing dress up and wanting to marry each other instead of boys (ew). One of them introduced my husband and I to each other when we were all fifteen. We've all kept each other all these years and have survived a lot of shit. I quite literally wouldn't be here without her. One of them is my platonic soulmate I met as an adult and she is my James in that, there is no real word for what we are to each other but there doesn't really have to be. There's a lot of choice and intentionality in our relationship.

And this doesn't even cover the iron-clad relationships I have with several other important groups of people, who are all my family in every way that matters.

I have kind of a thing about friendships I think, about not being afraid to commit to them, to let the love in, to make all the long distance work. That's something I've learned about myself in adulthood.

And I think I also have to acknowledge my high school best friend here. We are still friends and love each other very much, but our relationship is different now from what it was fifteen years ago. Sometimes I wish I could tell her she was my first love, and I wish I had had the space and the language to have told her that back then.

😬Amber: Unpopular opinion

I really couldn't care less to debate fandom characterizations so I'll make this about something real bc it's my blog and I care about this.

TW: infertility, pregnancy, family separation, adoption, queer parenthood

I have learned a lot about the realities of the institution of adoption, things I didn't know until I started looking into it after I couldn't have biological children. After literal years of research, therapy, following and listening to the voices of adult adoptees, I largely don't support adoption, at least in the way most Americans/Westerners consider it. I am RABID about the intersectionality between children's liberation and queer liberation, not to mention all the other identities that overlap when you're discussing these topics: race, class, sex, gender, religion, etc.

*THIS POST IS NOT COMING FOR ANYONE I promise. Also, just to spell it out in case there was a shed of doubt, I do not believe a set type of person or people is better suited to raise a family than another. BEING A GOOD PARENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR GENDER OR ORIENTATION. I just happen to occupy a very unique little corner of the evangelical>infertile>queer agnostic pipeline that gives me unpopular opinions on, say, a lot of adoption tropes in queer fanfic. Tropes i would have seen absolutely nothing wrong with before learning from adoptees. I am thrilled to point people to resources and activists in this space if you would like to learn more. I am also thrilled to ignore/block/delete anyone wanting to have an argument on the godforsaken internet. That's not for this page, pick another one 😊

Tldr: adoption tropes in fic and media in general---epecially baby-on-the-doorstep/infant adoption--is not a viable happily ever after ending for a queer couple to me.

Uh.... next question, I guess??

☕️Quilt: How I take my tea/coffee

Coffee. And it's oatmilk. Not picky but I do love a nespresso with oatmilk or a nitro cold brew with oatmilk. I have also been known to order a cappuccino.

Does anyone even want to play after that dumpsterfire

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health update

hey everyone. this’ll inevitably be a long one, so feel free to skip. TLDR: hiatus; mental health update (as mentioned). 

tw: depression, anxiety, dark thoughts.

like I said above, this’ll be a long one, sorry. this spring has been a hard one. there’s no real reason why, but it has. I don’t have a job. I’m not going to school. my home life is fine, normal. even still, I can’t get out of this hole. I’ve always known I have depression, since probably 4th grade, but it’s never taken physical form. I’ve skipped church/events for weeks thinking I had covid or some other sickness, but after some research and lack of typical illness symptoms, I realized it was my depression. my body aches constantly. headaches and migraines are constantly around the corner. I haven’t slept well in weeks, months. my comfort activities (gaming, D&D, writing, painting/drawing, cooking/baking, music) don’t do anything anymore. it’s hard to get out of bed most mornings, though I pass it off as the overly warm or cold temperature and the fact that I’m not a morning person. my mom was the one who noticed these things first; she’s been where I am, so she knew the signs. I don’t know how I didn’t notice sooner; it’s my own mind and body. I keep having dark thoughts, too. not of suicide, I would never, but the typical depression things of “I shouldn’t have been born” or good old “everyone secretly hates me. that’s why I don’t get responses. that’s why no one’s noticed. no one cares, just stop talking already and leave them alone.” I don’t do self harm, either, but my habit of anxiously picking the skin on my fingers is slowly progressing into constantly having raw skin and blood on my hands. I try to stop, but I keep zoning out (ADHD) and find myself with stinging thumbs. I know full well I need to get over myself. I’m a grown adult. I don’t have “real” responsibilities like bills, a job, or schooling, and I don’t have a significant other to worry about. I worry about my friends and family, of course - guilt of not reaching out or doing better is killing me - but my habit of checking on my SO to make sure they’re not cheating on me or somehow hurting themselves at work isn’t there. 

constant pressure from family is eating away at me. I know I need a job. I know I need to do something with my life. but I can’t. even remembering to mask, eat, drink, and take care of myself in general is painfully hard. I’m in the process of “repairing my mask” and looking for a job that suits me, but it’s hard to do when even my favorite things don’t spark passion and joy in me. 

I posted a quick message on facebook a few days ago asking if anyone wanted to join a oneshot D&D game. all I asked for was that no one makes fun of my religion, Christianity. my post was taken down over “bad religion and agendaposting” (not at all my intentions), and I got hundreds of hate comments in minutes. I think that’s what made me realize how bad it is, my depression I mean. I cried for two nights straight, barely managing to keep my mask up around others. it’s stupid, but I can’t mask anymore. it’s just gone. tears keep coming, even if there’s no good reason. I don’t want to tell my closest friends and family members because I don’t want to burden them with this. I know they’ll see it, but still. I’m sorry. 

I’ll still be doing D&D every week, since talking to my ridiculously feral best friends helps a lot and writing campaigns distracts me for a bit, but I won’t be posting much, if any. I’ll queue enough for the week and respond to my asks & tags, but unless I get more I won’t really be here. I’ll be back before next week I’m sure, or I’ll probably post a few small things here and there to distract myself (seems to be the larger amount = how bad I feel when I rb a lot, which makes no sense. I’ll mostly be offline thought). I’m only posting this so no one worries; I’ve seen people go MIA on here and I’ve felt that worry and fear that something’s happened. it’s nothing against any of you, I just need time. that said, if anyone comes forward needing advice or help of any kind, I’ll still do what I can. I’ll always be here for all of you, no context or previous friendship/conversations needed. if anyone has any tips to deal with this or the dumb things that seem to help me with this (i.e. dumb jokes, anything pippin related, dog/pet pics, plants/woodsy pics, recipes, etc), please share. please let me know. nothing I’m doing is working. thank you in advance <3

[kara-knuckles]

Considering how our next stop will be Siberia, I will be disappointed if the game won't acknowledge the Five Lakes urban legend. It's not quite around Tunguska, but it's also in Siberia, and it has exactly the kind of mythological kitchen sink based on dubious linguistics origin that Nasu is fond of.

The legend itself is simple: you have five lakes, if you swim in them in a certain order, you will heal from any illness and regain your youth. The catch here is that there is no fifth lake, you are supposed to find it on your own. Btw, at least some of the lakes have legit healing properties, so this isn't entirely baseless. It is said that the lakes were formed by a meteorite that broke into five parts, though the scientists are sceptical about it. Unsurprisingly, this explanation was likely inspired by Tunguska event. This region of Siberia is generally popular among all sorts of religious believers and occultists, not only because of the lakes, but also various other peculiarities like excavated ancient ruins, magnetic anomalies and alleged UFO sightings (new Foreigner incoming?)

So what does it have to do with the Nasuverse? First of all, one of the lakes is called Шайтан (Shaytan). You may remember that this is also the name of the being that gave a certain Hassan his Cursed Arm. It may or may not be relevant that both Shaytans the evil spirits and Shaytan the lake are believed to be connected to the underworld. They say that this lake has the strongest healing effects, but its water is "dead" and Shaytan itself chooses people it wants to heal. It is important to note that Russian folklore has the concept of "dead" and "alive" water. If you want to resurrect someone, you first spray them with dead water so they won't become "unclean" (evil spirits and undead), and then use alive water to resurrect them. I think that may play into how Koyanskaya will become "Koyanskaya of Light" since she describes it as reincarnation.

Second, this whole legend started because a Hindu missionary was searching for the Temple of Hanuman here. She thought that the names "Омск" (Omsk, the capital of Omsk Oblast; "Om" is an important mantra in Hinduism), "Тара" (Tara, a river in Omsk Oblast; Hinduism has a goddess of the same name) and "Кайласка" (Kailaska, another river, similar in name to mount Kailash (Кайлас) - the home of Gods, Hindu equivalent of mount Olympus) were sus, and, combined with the knowledge that Hanuman owned Siberian lands (and apparently parts of Ramayana take place in Siberia (sorry, hadn't read it)), decided to search for his city and temple here. Can you guess where she decided it is? Yep, underneath the lake Shaytan. It is interesting that, according to legend, the temple has a "thinking crystal" inside, which nicely ties into game mythos because some theorize it might be the same thing as Holy Grail. The missionary believed that this part of Siberia will stand when the world will meet its end, and that here the survivors will start a new religion as a fusion of old ones. And the Tunguska trailer has words like "the sun dies and the new world beckons" and "so you desire the end of the world?", as well as shows that beings from various Lostbelts reside here. Meanwhile, Hanuman sounds like a perfect counter to Koyanskaya because his blessing makes him immune to all weapons. And speaking of weapons, I don't know if my Siberian brethren have legends like this as well, but in the Urals there are tales about projectiles missing their targets because the magnetic ores in the ground and mountains screw their trajectory. Since this region is also known for magnetic anomalies, it might be a poor place for someone who relies on guns to set her base here.

My third point has nothing to do with the legend, but instead with the fact that FGO skipped Karnamas. I don't know its story, but it had several Hindu Servants on rate-up. So what if developers skipped it because they plan to use Hindu Servants in Tunguska instead? Though, in this case, I would expect Rama to be involved and he wasn't a part of this event's banners...

So, yeah. Even if I'm wrong, you gotta admit that does sound like the kind of legend that would work in Nasuverse.

[haechanokeh]

I’m Right For Your [pt. 8]

[teaser] [ Chapter 1 ] [ Chapter 2 ] [ Chapter 3 ] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7]

pairing: popular college! mark x average! reader

genre: romance, smut, angst, series.

warning (general): corruption, oral sex (both receiving and giving), cream pie, rough sex, mention of religion, rough sex, self-esteem, public sex, sub! reader, sex toys. possessive mark two-faced mark

your eyes were squinting as it became sensitive to the morning ray of the sun. but your breath hitched when the first thing you saw was mark in his serious face.

woke up in the wrong side? why does he look… awfully upset? you asked yourself.

"we need to talk." he said in a serious manner, you could see from his eyes how urgent or determined he was.

you sat up and leaned back against your bed's headboard. he sat up too, one leg on the bed folded, and the other on the floor and he's facing me.

"did you remember anything before you slept on me?" he asked with his eyes slightly wide open as if he's anticipating something but it is something serious.

"you mean before i passed out?" you indirectly made a correction of his statement of you sleeping on him, because you literally passed out. mark fucked your brains out.

you saw from your peripheral view the wall clock, then your eyes widened in shock.

"mark! we're going to be late!" you gasped and kicked the comforter on your legs but he quickly grabbed your hand and pulled you back to bed. your back bounced on your fluffy bed and in just seconds, mark's on top of you straddling over you.

"we're skipping." he said in a low tone voice.

"what?" you were bewildered by what he said. "do you have a fever, are you okay?" your cupped his cheeks.

mark felt like he's going to melt from your touch but he needs to settle things between the two of you first and by force is also in his options.

"y/n, answer me, what do you remember you knocked up?" he asked you again.

"moaning?" you really can't remember anything.

"tsk." he was kinda pissed, he thought maybe this you were trying to push your agenda of not falling for him. you heard something clicked but you're not that curious about what it was.

"moaning? i'm sorry i c- mark!" you yelped when you felt a familiar shaky shape against your bud. "is that my vibrator?" you asked in disbelief and hands about to push him but he quickly pinned both of your hands on the bed with just the strength of his one hand.

"next time, hide it very well. this beautiful thing…." he put it in max that made you swear. "sitting on top of your underwear." he smirked. mark just wanted to dress you but his pervy thoughts won.

mark was pressing the vibrator harder on your clit and sliding it between your folds caused nothing but an increase of libido. right here and there, you wanted to be fucked again.

"mark…" you moaned.

"yes baby?" he whispered into your ear and bit it. You groaned and lifted your hip wanting to push your pussy harder on the vibrator. “y/n, do you remember what you said to me last night? Hmm?” he’s licking the side of your neck and nipping it. Your abdomen hardens in arousal.

“no, I couldn’t…” you honestly replied. You couldn’t the last thing you remembered was that you were a mess and passed out because of the good fuck.

Mark lifted his head and faced you, nose inches away from you. His eyes, those dark dominating eyes are back like at any moment about to make your knees functionless.

“you’re so cruel.” there was a glimpse of disappointment in his eyes. “ you gasped when he inserted a finger inside you but the vibrator didn’t move an inch. “and if i tell you what you said to me, you’ll deny it. you’re always like that, do you know that?”

“ohh sht.” you cried out and clenched his finger when he folded it. every time he folds it he always hits your spot. mark already memorizes your anatomy, he already knows how your body works and what turns you off, that’s when he professes his love for you. “mark, fuck right there… please…” you were a moaning mess and naively begging for him to let you cum.

when you were about to reach your climax he quickly removed his finger and turned off the vibrator. you sat up and frustratingly glared at him.

“why did you stop?” you asked.

“sharing what i felt last night.” he said with a smug look. your brows met.

“you didn't… you know, last night?” but as far as you could remember he reached it too. he just smiled at you, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“are you satisfied with what we have now?” his voice became soft, him and his quick switching of mood.

oddly, your heart squeezed from his word, afraid that he isn’t satisfied. you were petrified that he’s growing weary of you. is it the sex? is it the presence? or is it mark that you enjoyed whatever you were sharing with each other, regardless of the reason, when he asked you if you were satisfied you suddenly felt scared of losing him. you were thinking ahead of time, once again. you always overanalyze or overthink things.

“why?” your throat became dry, and so you swallowed hard while staring at his eyes.

“because, i am not.”

it was as if you can hear a thud sound when your heart fell.

“wha… what?” you breathlessly mumbled without your prior notice. “what did i do? are you leaving me? i thought you liked me?” there’s another delay in transmission of a message between your brain and mouth that there are things that shouldn’t be told.

he chuckled and shook his head, you clearly like him back, and mark knows that but you always deny it which is extra harder for him to have you.

“what’s with that? where did you get the idea of me leaving you? do you not know how i like you, and you don’t have any idea of what i have become and will have become just for you.” mark was dead serious. while you were sleeping, he was already thinking about how to have you. if the problem is him being too friendly and well known, he swears that he can shut people down. if you want him to ignore people, he can. turn down an invitation, he can. all just for you.

he made sure that this day will not end unless you accept him and your feelings for him.

"then why does it sound like you're not satisfied of whatever we have right now?" your voice was shaking. you're starting to think that you're not good.

and why does it matter? this is what you want in the first place, to get rid of him or to distance yourself and look at you, afraid that you will lose him.

"because i am. i am not satisfied of what we have right now because we both know what we have. i like you, no, i always tell to you that i love you. i want us to have more than whatever we have.” and just like that, mark saw fear and denial in your face.

“no, we can’t.” you shook your head. same story, different personality and heaven and earth-like situation. he’s… to much, that’s what you always say to yourself.

“why?” mark still can’t understand you. “tell me why.”

“i already told you you’re different, you’re… you’re too much for me.” you’re almost choking and chest heaving.

“be more specific, i need to hear it from you. y/n-”

“if you’re just looking for a girlfriend, then you’re with the wrong person, mark.” you bit your lower lip as your lips began to quiver and fight back your tears from falling.

“i’m not looking for a girlfriend, i am looking for you. allow me to enter because i’m already greedy y/n.” mark reached for your hands and hold it.

everything became silent. you see nothing but sincerity in his eye and he’s squeezing your hands as if he has no intention of letting it go, as if anytime you’re going to slip away. mark already determined to not end this day, not making you speak out of your honest feelings.

“i…” you choked at your own saliva, you couldn’t speak properly. mark on the other hand waiting for you to continue and silently pushing you to speak. “i really admire you, mark and it scares me. you almost embodied the word perfection. i, on the other hand don’t have good grades, a wallflower, i bet that even though both of us are not in the classes they will only notice that you’re gone.” tears started to stream down in your face.

loneliness.

mark realizes that it wasn’t because he’s not just different that you dislike him at first, it’s because you want to be like him. you didn’t want to be alone, you want to have friends. you don’t hate noise, you want to be in the noise. you don’t hate attention, you want it. you want to be noticed that you exist. you didn’t say this but mark already understands where these things are coming from. on the other hand, you’re fully aware that you envy him and that you’re lonely but you refuse to accept it because it fucking hurts when every time you want to do the first move it’s was always ending awkward or you were still unnoticeable.

“they will notice, believe me. you don’t know how much they love to befriend you and want to get closer to you but they don’t know how to and we’re so sorry for not trying, i’m sorry that you feel so lonely.” mark words made you cry more. you were whimpering and pouring out the loneliness bottled up inside you. mark was also fighting his tears back and pulled you into his arms. he was kissing the top of your head and caressing your back.

it’s not mark that needs to change because regardless of him changing that doesn’t fix anything. mark sympathizes with you, holding it in for years. you hate being alone at the same time he felt bad for making you feel like this.

“i love you too, i’m so sorry.” you were wailing in embarrassment and sadness. but mark is smiling and happiness engulfed his heart that you finally admit it.

“ouch, why are you saying sorry?” mark pushed you gently to look at you. “goodness, your crying face is fucking sexy.” he joked. you playfully pushed his face away. “why? that’s true!” he was laughing and pulled your face and gave your lips a peck.

“you should be more vocal, people around you are not fortune tellers hmm? at least be more vocal to me, if you’re lonely, call me and tell me. hmm?” mark wiped your tears. “breakfast?”

you shook your head. “you didn’t finish me.” you pouted. mark laughed at you and kissed your cheek.

“you’re vocal now huh.” he chuckled and dove into your wetness.

things went dirty but it was genuine and honest. after sharing an intense orgasm, you took a bath together and mark wore his clothes and went back to their house. he wasn’t asked by his parent because they thought he just went out to jog but asked why he’s still home because they have classes but for the first time he lied that the class was canceled in the first subject. your mom was back and asked you the same thing, you told her the same alibi.

you went back to your room and caught your phone ringing which is on top of your side table. you checked the caller, it’s mark. you answered it.

“why?”

“let’s go to school together? okay?”

“fine.” you chuckled then he hangs up the call.

you heard a honk outside and received a text that mark is already outside.

“mom! i’m going to school!” you shouted and ran outside.

mark was hella looking fine crossed legs and leaning against his car. fuck this is the guy who likes me? did i save a country in my past life, i mean i deserve this if that’s the case.

“hi.” you greeted him. mark noticed that you put a little makeup but he doesn’t want to mention it, it may ruin your confidence, so instead…

“you always look lovely.” he kissed your lip.

you thought you will attend the next subject but…

“mark! oh my god!” your eyes rolled and your arms above your head and flatly on the headliner of the car as your body bounced harshly on mark’s dick. you squirted for the 2nd time in his pants and ruined his car. your jaw dropped and gasped for air and so was mark.

how can we go to classes? we’re both wet mark.” you were slightly annoyed.

you’re in the university’s parking lot but mark’s evil hand touched you everywhere and you’re weak in his touches.

“i have clothes at the back because i’m going to stay at my condo.” he said, still catching his breath.

“how about me? i am going to class… like this?” your hand gestured to show your state to mark.

mark jaw clenched, this sight is only for him and no one is allowed to see you like this but only him.

“who told you we’re going to attend school? we are going to my condominium.” he lifted you and put you on the passenger’s seat.

“mark, my pussy is tired.” you scoffed.

“and so is my dick.” he started the engine. “don’t worry i won’t touch you.”

“you always say that.” you rolled your eyes. he just laughed at you.

he didn’t ask you to be his girlfriend, because mark just wants you to be honest to him and to yourself.

i'm sorry for the late updates huhuhuhuhu 🙇‍♀️🙏🏻

✨if you want to be added in I’m Right For You Tag List, you can DM or Ask me so i can add you ✨

Tag List: @babylion-mork @lalaname @cloudykeiji @jjikyuu @sunshinedhyuck @wassup-haeyadwae @erisxczenie @mrklyy @resceluwu @jenotation @wanlore @watermelonlovermark

[silentfcknhill]

FAVORITE SHOWS IN POSTERS

Well, we’re back for another installment of this tagged meme, this time for TV shows! I also stole this from/was indirectly tagged by @jcmorrigan. My taste in shows also differs a bit from my taste in movies, as I tend to like a lot of comedy shows with not as many horror ones. I’m not into shows as much as movies overall, but there are some that I am very passionate about so I picked twenty again. So, here we go for part 2, in order:

1. Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend Of Korra (2005-2014)

I'm including these as one show since they take place in the same universe and tell a continuation of the same overall plot. Altogether this is probably the best piece of media to ever exist, including movies. It has so many great characters and villains especially and some of the most epic sequences, charming humor and heartwarming moments ever. I've never met a person who didn't like these shows, even people who normally don't like cartoons. My dad, who is biased against animation? He loved it. My mother? She loved it, watched it with her multiple times. My grandmother? Loved it. My ex-boyfriend? Loved it. My best friend? Loved it. I dare anyone not to, and I'm so glad it's making a resurgence since it's on Netflix for a new generation to enjoy.

2. Black Butler (2008-2014)

I never was big into anime growing up and only really started watching anime when I was like 16 and above, but this is one of the exceptions because holy shit is it ever dark and epic. I'm not sure I'd really recommend it for kids, it's more of a teens and young adults kind of anime and that's probably why it's so good, because it isn't afraid to explore dark and mature topics and do it with all of the intensity and gravitas required to do said topics justice. It has lots of great characters, and the story of demons who make deals with children who have a dark side is fun to watch play out.

3. Seinfeld (1989-1998)

My dad was a huge fan of this show so I watched it growing up since I was a toddler and it became a classic for me. I've watched thw hole show through at least 8 times, and I'll never stop because it never gets old or boring. It's also my only comfort show when I'm having a panic attack because of one time a few years ago when I was having a drug-induced psychosis episode and watching it calmed me down, so now it's like the opposite of a trigger and whenever I'm having an episode or something I watch it to bring me back to reality. For that reason it's more than a show to me, it's a medical treatment and I'm forever grateful to it.

4. The Good Place (2016-2020)

The big four shows made my Michael Schur all made it on this post (The Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Office and Parks And Recreation), either in the main list of the honorable mentions, but this is my personal favorite of the four. It's so funny, quirky, relatable and basically tailor-made to suit my interests. Not only is it an entertaining and wholesome show, but I think watching it helped me come to terms with a lot of things like mortality, ethics, philosophy, religion and my relationships with other people. It gets  alot of different viewpoints across and if you're a very analytical and philosophical person like me you'll probably enjoy seeing it all play out. Not to mention, every single character is 'favorite character' material. It's rare you find a show with no filler characters in the main cast, but I genuinely can't choose who is best.

5. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013-?)

Another of Michael Schur's shows, this one is just barely under The Good Place and to be honest it was tough to pick my favorite between the two because they're both equally funny. I know it's kind of controversial right now because of the whole law enforcement thing, but I actually think they do a good job of handling social issues in the show and remaining respectful of real-life systemic problems. As for the characters, this is another one of those shows where every single character is gold and I think that tends to be a trend among Schur's shows in general. He produces damn good comedy, and damn good characters. I can't wait to see what they bring next.

6. Rick And Morty (2013-?)

This is unfortunately one of those cases of 'great show, horrible fandom' and for that reason I don't get involved in the fandom even though I love the show. It's a shame because it really is a great show, so funny and, again, such good characters. I think it's a lot more accessible than the fandom likes to claim, so I'm hoping more people will give it a chance and not get put off by the intellectual elitism of the fandom because it does have some of the most entertaining and batshit crazy episodes ever, poking fun of some of the staples of science fiction in media while also poking fun of itself the whole time. Unlike the fandom, the show doesn't take itself seriously and that's enjoyable nowadays.

7. Orange Is The New Black (2013-2019)

While this show is a comedy, it is also a lot of other things and it's probably made me ugly-cry just as many times as it's made me laugh. Well, maybe not as often, but those few scenes (if you've watched the show then you know the ones I'm talking about) made me hysterically sob hard enough to be worth like fifty minor sads. But I didn't even mind because the show is just that good, and it makes you /feel/ something in a real way. Probably because of just how real it gets in terms of telling stories that happen all the time in the real world, sometimes with inevitably tragic endings. But these things do happen every day, and it's important to shine a light on that. It's not just representation for LGBTQ+ but also for POC, the neurodiverse, the poor, and many more. Give it a watch to broaden your perspective!

8. Big Mouth (2017-?)

This is probably the grossest show I've ever seen but by god is it ever funny. Maybe it's because I have an immature sense of humor or something, but I love this show. It definitely won't be everyone's cup of tea and I don't recommend you watch this show with anyone else around because it will get awkward. I think part of its appeal to me is that everyone I talk to who likes it considers it so relatable to their lives growing up but for someone like me who grew up on the autism and asexual spectrum and who was physically an early-bloomer by years, nothing about this show is relatable to me in any way so it makes it all the more crazy and bizarre watching how the people around me must have experienced things. Did y'all really have these experiences with puberty in middle school???

9. Dexter (2006-2013)

I recently heard that this show is coming back for a reboot soon and I'm so excited because this is my absolute favorite drama/thriller show, as evidenced by the fact that it's the highest one on the list so far that isn't a comedy. I love the idea of having a protagonist who is sort of a villain (or at least morally dubious), and the idea of a serial killer who only kills bad people is particularly satisfying for some reason. Maybe because he's the vigilante we all deserve and want in this unjust and evil world of modern times? Idk but the very premise of this show set it up for big things and aside from the ending I think it delivered consistently.

10. Once Upon A Time (2011-2018)

This show took us on some journeys, and you can't deny that. Sure, maybe it didn't always finish what it started and didn't always end in the most satisfying way, but part of its charm is that you didn't care because the experience was just so much fun. They took characters and stories that have been told to death and somehow managed to put a unique and unexpected twist on them, and that alone is admirable. Good twists, good villains, and pretty much every cliffhanger known to man will keep you hooked on binge-watching every episode.

11. RuPaul's Drag Race (2009-?)

A bit different than the other entries on my list in that it's not fiction but a reality competition show, but I couldn't leave Drag Race out because it's just so fucking iconic and perfect. Even when you disagree with the judges or can't stand a certain contestant you'll still be having a good time. It's got the personalities you love to love, the ones you love to hate, and the comedy that's completely meme-able. I mean just how much has this show contributed to pop culture and the internet? More than most of us, henny. I've watched every single season, even the international ones and all of the spinoffs. This show will probably be on for another thirty years when Ru is throwing shade from a hospital bed and I'll still be watching.

12. House (2004-2012)

Some people hate on this show, and I don't get it. I love House. Yes, he's an ass. That's the point. He's supposed to be unlikeable, and that's why I like him. Maybe because I always love the rude, sarcastic, misanthropic jerkass-genius characters for some reason. And I also love procedural shows, so it's a win-win. I also work in the healthcare field so it appeals to me for that reason too, because obviously the whole premise is outlandish which is what makes it funny. Of course it's not realistic for a hospital, so just enjoy the absurdity and don't get too hung up on the details of medical accuracy and professional ethics and you'll be fine.

13. The Office (2005-2013)

The third of Michael Schur's show and the last one that made the main list (sorry Parks And Rec, I love you too but there was just so many good shows to choose from and I saw you last so the nostalgia isn't as strong!) I don't think I need to hype this show up any, it's already a classic and you can't even turn around online without getting hit in the face by a dozen Office memes. You'll have to pry this show and it's relatable characters (especially Michael Scott) from my cold, dead hands.

14. All Hail King Julien/The Penguins Of Madagascar (2008-2017)

Like Avatar/Korra, I also consider this as one show for the sake of this list because it also takes place in the same universe (Madagascar, specifically) and I just couldn't choose one over the other because they're both so perfect. They're funny and I love all the characters (it cut out the weaker links of the Madagascar film series and just focuses on expanding the standout side-characters like King Julien and the penguins). It also delved into some lore, particularly the first show, and even though I didn't also agree with the directions it took (you may have seen me get salty about the ending because I cared too much), I can't deny how much I love it.

15. Bones (2005-2017)

One of the other scarce non-comedy shows on this list, it still has it's funny moments. It's also, like House, another procedural show that involves some medical stuff, but this time on a more scientific and forensic level which is even more interesting. It's nice to see a lead female with Asperger's, too. There's a lot of cop/law enforcement shows where they try to solve crimes, but this one is the best, and I'm saying that as a fan of CSI as well. Don't fight me on this, I'm right. Oh yes, it's corny, it's campy, it's cheesy, but I love every minute of it. Don't watch if you have a weak stomach though.

16. The Simpsons (1989-?)

We all grew up with this show, don't lie. It's been around longer than most people on tumblr have even been alive. Should it have ended seasons ago? Hell yes. But that doesn't take away what the first like 20 or so seasons gave us (there's a lot of argument about when the show jumped the shark, for me it wasn't until much later than the popular consensus). The characters are amazing, but the secret to the show's longevity is that they always return to status quo and there's comfort and nostalgia in that. Bart will still be in 4th grade when you're out there pushing 90. This show is persistent. This show is eternal. This show will outlive us all.

17. Ash Vs. Evil Dead (2015-2018)

Sorely underrated. This show is hilarious, gruesome and campy as hell and I love it. I don't think you necessarily have to watch the Evil Dead movies beforehand in order to get the plot of the show, although it would probably help. In my opinion this show ended way too soon and I'm hoping someday we'll get a comeback because Ash is the reluctant, self-absorbed hero we all need and it's 2020 so at this point there really might actually be a demon-zombie apocalypse and who's gonna save us then if not for the impulsive womanizer with a chainsaw for a hand?

18. Malcolm In The Middle (2000-2006)

Another show I grew up with, I don't think it gets as much credit as it deserves. It has some damn funny episodes and great characters, and it did a lot of the popular sitcom tropes before they were 'cool'. Some other great sitcoms, The Middle in particular, took a lot of influence from this show and it helped pave the way for the future of sitcoms at a time when they were about to make a comeback. If you want a good show about the real experiences of growing up, this is a much more accurate representation of the highs and lows of being an awkward tween from a dysfunctional home.

19. A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017-2019)

Unlike most people I actually liked the movie version from the early 2000's, and I read the books growing up so I was excited when I saw there was a live action television adaptation of it on Netflix because I felt like they cancelled the movie franchise too soon. I was interested to see how new actors would handle the roles, and I was not disappointed. I wouldn't say I liked either portrayal of the characters better or worse, they both added their own twist to it and this show is a great and loyal adaptation to the books, probably because the author was so heavily involved. He knew just when to stick to the books and when to improve upon what he had done with the benefit of hindsight. This show is basically the books, but remastered.

20. Winx Club (2004-?)

Sort of an odd one out on this list, but I really love this show even as an adult and it may surprise you to learn it is still going on and the most recent season came out last year. They take big breaks sometimes in between seasons, but it's still going strong and in multiple countries. The only thing I don't like about watching this show is all the different and inconsistent dubs since the original show is Italian and each dub only goes for a couple seasons so by the time you get used to one set of voices/names for the characters oyu have to abruptly switch to another, but it's still worth it for the beautiful animation and cool characters (especially the villains!)

Honorable Mentions: 

13 Reasons Why, America's Next Top Model, American Horror Story, Arrested Development, Bates Motel, Battlestar Galactica, Black Mirror, Care Bears, Chernobyl, Courage The Cowardly Dog, Criminal, CSI, Duck Dodgers, Goosebumps, Kenny Vs. Spenny, Kim Possible, Kingdom Hospital, Lazytown, Lost, Making A Murderer, Mayday, Mindhunter, Modern Family, Monster High, Obsession: Dark Desires, Parks And Recreation, Prison Break, Project Runway, Queer As Folk, Queer Eye, Salem, Schitt's Creek, SCTV, Spongebob Squarepants, The Emperor's New School, The Good Doctor, The Haunting Of Hill House/Bly Manor, The Middle, The Pretender, The Walking Dead, The X-Files, Through The Wormhole, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Unsolved Mysteries, Yugioh

Tagging: @bullet-farmer​ and anyone else who wants to!

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Metallo!Lena AU Pt 20

Getting ready for bed later that night is a familiar process. Kara cleans up the late night snack dishes while Lena heads into the bathroom to wash up and brush her teeth. When she's finished, Kara slips in after her, leaving Lena to unfold the sofa and make up the sheets.

This time, however, Lena hesitates to climb into bed. She remains perched on the edge of the thin matress, the thin metal frame precariously supporting her titanium-reinforced body, and waits for Kara to re-emerge from the bathroom.

When she does, Kara's eyes are solemn and heavy with an unspoken burden, and Lena knows her suspicions were correct: today has affected her friend more than she'd let on.

"Hey," Lena says quietly. "You okay?"

Kara's gaze flickers to hers, startled. "Yeah." Her voice cracks halfway through the word. Then her lips begin to tremble. "No."

Lena closes the distance between them without thinking, wrapping her arms around Kara in a gentle hug. "I'm so sorry, Kara. I can't imagine how you must feel right now."

"I always thought my cousin and I were the only things that survived Krypton, you know?" Kara mutters into Lena's shoulder, her voice watery. "But there's so much more that's out there."

"Do you think there are other Kryptonians on Earth?" Lena asks. Pulling away, she leads Kara towards the sofa bed. It won't support the both of them, so they sit on the floor instead, leaning back against it. "Living under the radar?"

Kara shrugs, wiping her eyes. "There must be. Some of what Coville found might have been brought here by people who visited Krypton before the time of isolation, but a lot of it isn't old enough for that. And some-- some of it is so personal, Lena. Like the Book of Rao Coville was reading from... it was an illuminated manuscript dedicated to the House of Van. It would have been cherished for generations."

That makes Lena frown. "Do you think he stole it?"

"Or someone was desperate enough to sell it." Kara shrugs again, this time in frustration. "I hate that he found them."

She pauses. Lena waits, until she continues more quietly, "I didn't look for them."

"There's no way you could have known, Kara."

"But I should have! I used to believe that Krypton's destruction was sudden, but the truth is that the council saw it coming, and did nothing. The moment I learned the truth I should have suspected there might be others who fled. But I was too selfish."

Lena arches an eyebrow. "If there's one thing you're not, it's selfish. You were a child."

"Well, I'm not anymore."

Kara's voice hardens, her eyes flashing with steely resolve.

"Okay." Lena takes the shift in Kara's tone in stride. "What do you want to do about it?"

"I don't know," Kara admits. "But I don't Coville's cult to be Rao's only legacy on Earth."

"Maybe it doesn't have to be." Lena nudges Kara gently. "Talk to James Olsen about doing an interview with Supergirl. Maybe she can share what Rao's light is really about."

Kara leans against Lena, letting her head rest on a cotton-clad shoulder. "Thank you, Lena. For being here."

Lena loops an arm around her. She smiles.

"I'm not going anywhere."

---

Kara takes Lena's suggestion and speaks with James the next day. He okays the interview, promising to assign her a reporter who would let Supergirl guide the conversation.

It starts with questions about the recent cult, and whether there was any weight to their rhetoric.

"They came close to understanding, in some ways. They recognized Rao's warmth, his benevolence. But what they didn't understand is that their actions directly contradicted Rao's teachings."

"And how do you reconcile the fact that they were motivated by Supergirl's own actions?"

On camera, Supergirl pauses thoughtfully. "Honestly, I can't. My choice to help people wasn't a decision founded on my faith in Rao.  I chose to help others to honor the loss of my home world, to give my life as its final survivor to service of the world that took me in. To claim that I am somehow an avatar of Rao's will would be... sacrilegious."

Her interviewer nods. "And how does it feel to know that your religion was co-opted by people who didn't take the time to learn its true meaning?"

"I think mostly I'm disappointed. Thomas Coville spent a great deal of time researching and studying Krypton, but he never once tried to learn from the people who lived there. If he had asked, I would have been happy to share anything he wanted to know."

That much is true. It's been a long time since Kara's prayed to Rao, even longer since anyone asked her about him. But given the chance... she thinks she would have shared anything and everything with someone who genuinely wanted to know.

As the interview wraps up, Kara has a question of her own. "On Krypton, there's a prayer that's spoken when someone is leaving for a long journey. Would you mind if I spoke it now?"

Her interviewer nods enthusiastically. "Absolutely, please do."

Already sitting tall in her seat, Supergirl crosses her wrists in front of her chest, curling her fingers into a pose she knows well. Lapsing into her mother tongue makes her eyes sting with tears, but she closes them, so no one else can see.

"We will see you in the parting of the light, and we will see in the dawn. Though the journey may be long, you are ever close to our hearts and Rao's light." The prayer purrs from her lips, but she doesn't stop where she typically would; she continues.

"Rao is our guidance, Rao is our light, and in his witness, we shall meet again."

If there are other Kryptonians on Earth, Kara knows she will likely never meet them. But she hopes they hear her prayer, and know that they are not alone.

previous / next

[whump-town]

Take Me to Church

Here it is: my religious!Hotch fic turned Bisexual!Hotch fic. I hope you enjoy my hard work, tears, and disaster bi-thoughts  

Warning: language, sex, homosexuality **there’s no real need for a warning for that but I’d just like to market this to my fellow gays**, religious trauma, Catholic guilt, child abuse, smoking, mention of AIDS in passing but no one has it, character death(s) **not anyone major**, Aaron Hotchner’s mega big boy grande sized guilt complex, ooc bc Aaron Hotchner has the proper emotions, and just general all around intense feelings 

The only Heaven I'll be sent to, Is when I'm alone with you, I was born sick, but I love it, Command me to be well

Word count:  5,794

Praying never made much sense to Aaron Hotchner. 

As a child, he’d prayed with crimson teeth and a bleeding tongue for his mother to be spared in his father’s rampant beatings. The priest always said that prayer shouldn’t be selfish. As he sat on his bruised knees and whispered between sobs, he hadn’t been thinking about himself. He’d been thinking about the little brother in his mother’s womb. About the pregnancy that wouldn’t survive if his father didn’t stop hitting on her. About his poor mother who looked sicker each day.

He must have done something wrong because when God had answered his prayers...

“Come on now son. Don’t be difficult,” the priest’s heavy hands pull him away from his mother’s grave. His suit hadn’t fit well that morning but logged with the rain pouring overhead, it now hangs from his bones. They make their way back home. Back to his miserable son of a bitch father. 

That night, the priest had tucked him into bed and Aaron rolls over in his bed to put his back to the man. As the old man turned to cut the lights, Aaron finally speaks for the first time all day. He’d found his voice deep within his chest and laced it with his father’s unhinged anger. “I killed her,” he whispers, hot tears running down his cheeks. 

The priest shakes his head. “No.” And, the old man could never know this, but what he said next would stay with Aaron for the rest of his life. “It was her time, son.”

God had killed her.

That day was the first time Aaron had ever seen his father cry. He’d stood in the hallway and watched his father sob on his knees, cursing God and swearing up a storm. At seven-years-old, he wondered if God had a sense of humor. He must, after all, to leave Aaron all alone. 

Ten-years later he stood in the same spot his father had kneeled in. He’d looked up at the ceiling and prayed again. He’d begged for his father’s life to be spared. “Just this once, okay, just this once---” but his father had never been a good man. A shitty excuse for a dad but Sean thinks he’s a good man. That’s what mattered: Sean. That’s the only thing that had ever mattered. “For Sean, please? He’s never done anything wrong.”

His father died two days later. A heart attack. The doctor’s called it mercy. For who? The man who beat him senseless for fifteen years before he just sold Aaron off to a boarding school. Calling Aaron’s inability to make friends and emotional outbursts the product of the devil and not his senseless beating. The same man who called Aaron writing with his left hand the simplest proof that his mother had been a whore. She had to have cheated to have created a bastard like Aaron.

Mercy? Is that really what he’d deserved?

He has bible scriptures carved into his back. Thin white lines left by his father’s heavy hand and the black belt he wore to court each Tuesday. The only mercy he’s ever known is the black surrounder right before he falls asleep. That twisted hope that maybe his dad hit him too hard. That he won’t wake up this time. 

It felt like communion-- Eucharist, standing to receive his bread and wine. 

The body of Christ.

“Daddy please-” he makes no sound as the belt comes down over his shoulder. Any noise is a symbol of greater guilt, a better reason to keep hitting. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t move. 

Amen.

Remember, God is always watching. No bullshitting, he knows.

Aaron cums with a cry. A sob really. 

Sam lifts his head from where he’s buried it in Aaron’s neck, leaving the hickey he’d been sucking to die on its own. He sits up, his arousal forgotten as his heart pounds in his chest with fear. “Are you alright,” he asks, pulling them apart with a quick jerk. His hands are traveling down but he stops when Aaron’s hand grabs his wrist. “Baby, if I hurt you---”

Aaron shakes his head but the tears streaming down his face says otherwise. “I’m sorry,” he gasps. He buries his head in his hands, shoulders shaking as he can’t stop the tears. Sam moves out of the way of his legs, giving Aaron the space necessary to curl into himself.

Sam still has no idea what’s wrong. It had been fine. Things were fine. 

It occurs to him a moment too late.

“Fuck,” he curses, seething. Not at Aaron or the mood now officially lost--- but for the boy that Aaron never got to be. To the God that Aaron believes so feverishly and unwavering in. “It’s alright,” he soothes, moving along the bed to where Aaron is. He pulls his boyfriend into his lap, holding Aaron to his chest. “Nothing is going to happen, Aaron. It’s going to be okay.”

Sam has never been religious. It wasn’t something his parents had considered important. Standing at over 6’5 and two hundred pounds of just muscle, no one even suspects he’s anything but straight. People who do know… no one’s going to say anything to a guy like him. The same thing goes for Aaron. He may be a little on the scrawny side but he’s 6’2 and no one blinks an eye at the two of them spending so much time together. 

It’s not people they have to worry about. 

They can be cruel and unaccepting but AIDS is still rampant through-out not only the college’s campus but through-out the gay community. 

But Aaron’s a little too preoccupied with God. 

Sam’s not even sure if there’s such a thing.

“Aaron!” Picking him up by his shoulders, he pulls Aaron upright. They’ve passed sobbing and moved to a panic attack. “Alright,” Sam fails to soothe. He pulls Aaron off the bed, holding him close when his legs shake beneath him. “Easy,” he mumbles, his heartbreaking--- Aaron can’t walk. It takes a great bit of work on Sam’s part but with a grunt, he lifts Aaron off his feet.

Stumbling in the direction of the bathroom, he carries Aaron. “It’s gonna be alright,” Sam promises. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Sam would like to think he’s a good boyfriend (he is). He did as much research as he could. So that he would know how to help Aaron the next time one of these events started happening.

Into the freezing shower they go. 

Clutched, naked body to naked body, they rock until Aaron’s broken sobs die down. Until Sam can feel Aaron’s breathing steady out, hot exhales washing over his goosebump riddled flesh.

Against the bare skin of Sam’s shoulder, Aaron whispers Hail Mary to himself. His long fingers tapping against his thumb like counting rosary beads, “---of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now---” It’s the only coping mechanism he’s ever learned. 

Sam presses a kiss to his temple. Aaron hates that he turns his head for more. Turns his head until Sam’s hands are tangled in his hair and holding him tightly. Sam kisses him softly, full of love. He doesn’t deserve that.

“Sodomy is a sin,” he whispers, against Sam’s lips. 

Sam smiles, shaking his head. He doesn’t care. “Did you like it,” Sam asks, voice husky. He wraps himself back around Aaron, shaking from the cold of the water still pouring down over them. Fingers moving up Aaron’s back, he tangles them in his hair. 

Aaron… knows the answer. He also knows that sin is often appealing. Sam is the sin that Aaron can never walk away from. What he always comes back for. “Yes,” he answers, honestly. He had liked it. He’d liked it a lot. Sex with Sam is gentle and overwhelming and--- sin. It’s still sin. 

“That’s all that matters,” Sam presses kisses back to Aaron’s neck. Smiling against his skin when Aaron arches into the touch. 

Aaron can never make Sam understand that this principle isn’t that simple. It’s a black and white morality. Heaven or hell. 

But, maybe… 

Sam reaches around behind him and cuts the water off, Aaron shivers against his chest leaning closer to the touches that are trailing down his body. Sam pulls him closer so that Aaron’s in his lap. With a grunt, Aaron allows Sam to push into him and mouth open in a silent cry of pleasure he falls into Sam’s shoulder. 

“Jesus,” Sam curses, pulling Aaron closer. “You---” he moans, tilting his head back. This time, Aaron’s sets the pace. Slow and steady. It hurts but it’s an ache he’s familiar with. The lube from earlier mostly washed away but he’s prepped and anything is better than thinking about Hell. 

His doomed eternity. 

“You’re so good, baby boy.” Sam holds him close, his fingers digging into Aaron’s hips. “Fu-Fuck---”

Why is it that the only thing that has ever made sense to him a sin?

Sam dies in the middle of first semester their Junior year. Though it’s never stated, it’s Aaron’s fault. Sam wouldn’t have been on the road that if Aaron just prayed harder or been a better man. Panic attacks are a product of a shaky relationship with God and Aaron wouldn’t have had one, he wouldn’t have called Sam freaking out, if he’d just… believed harder. 

Aaron knows it’s his fault. He never gets over that guilt. 

He marries Haley at the end of Senior year and they invite Sam’s parents to the wedding. No one knows the true extent of Aaron and Sam’s relationship but Haley knows something was going on between the two. They’d been high school sweethearts, separated by his years spent away at college. Separated by Aaron’s love for a man.

He comes home different but she loves him. She also knows that her mother approves of Aaron’s God-fearing ways. Religion is good in a man like him, her mother had warned, you can see the darkness in him. She bites her tongue and moves on. 

Until she sees the darkness too.

The divorce breaks him. 

He starts having panic attacks again, worse than the ones in college. No one notices. He knows they just write him off as a dick. He’s just a robot to them. Emotionless and he can work with that. So, he is a robot. Just marching through life and flying by the seat of his pants, hoping that it all goes well. 

But he knows… each night as the panic bubbles in his chest and has him falling to his knees that hell is the only place he’s going. It’s going to take more than prayers to save a sinner like him.

“Hotch?” He jumps at the sudden intrusion. Looking to his left, none other than Emily Prentiss is standing on the balcony. She’s grinning from ear to ear and shaking her head. “What are you doing up so late?”

The cigarette trapped between his lips should answer that well enough.

The thing is, he’s not as slick as he thinks he is. She’s noticed him pulling away. Dave has noticed--- hell, everyone has noticed something is wrong. So, when Emily Prentiss had been tossing and turning in her own bed and smelled the wafting, faint scent of cigarette smoke she’d gotten curious. She certainly hadn’t expected to find him.

“Mind some company?”

And with those three simple words she’d pulled him from the edge. 

That night they burned through four cigarettes. Sin, that night, had been just as he remembered it once being. For a moment, as he stood--- her leaning against him and him leaning against her--- he had managed a smile. With a cigarette between his teeth, he’d taken his first real breath in years. 

Foyet attacks him in his apartment and as he lies bleeding he hopes this is it. That the world will flicker out, he’s just a candle drowning it’s wax. Will there be a light or…

He wakes up in the hospital and he’s never been this cold in his life.

It’s Emily’s voice that pulls him from the white walls and the pain. She’s saying something about cigarettes and the seasons changing. He smiles, drugged and submissive, when she proposes the team go to Dave’s and get drunk. He doesn't’ even think about God, about the sin and the eternity in hell waiting for him. He just thinks about his team and the only family he’s ever really been a part of. 

He wakes up thrashing--- a broken sob on his lips. There’s so much pain and he can’t think about anything other than death. Death and Hell and sin and the pain, oh fuck the pain. 

Thin fingers wrap around his, squeezing and he looks up and finds JJ softly soothing him. Her fingers are ghosting along his forearms, rubbing circles into his pale skin. “Just breathe,” she instructs and he’s reminded of Sam and that freezing shower and the---

“Aaron!” she calls and the fortitude, the conviction in her eyes sobers him. “You have to stop,” she tells him, her touch turning hard and that he can focus on. That pulls him back down. “Breathe,” and slowly he relaxes again. She’s softened and he watches the tears pool in her eyes. “Don’t look at me like that,” she chides, softly.

He manages to squeeze her hand.

“We almost lost you,” she whispers and that hadn’t occurred to him. His death happens to other people. It’ll just be… nothing. He must be very high or maybe broken because he thinks of nothing. The nothingness that happens after death and not raging, flaming pits of hell. 

JJ presses a kiss to his temple and he closes his eyes. It’s a tender love he… he’s forgotten. “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” she says, her thumb rubbing against his hand. “I don’t like job hunting.”

He doesn’t know how to tell her that the team wouldn’t fall apart if Foyet had chosen to kill him.

She doesn’t know how to tell him that isn’t true.

Foyet does kill Haley and for a long time, it’s like he’s killed Hotch too.

“Hotch!”

The last he’d seen of Emily, she was displeased with his decision to decline his invitation to girl’s night. First, of all, he’s not that dumb. He knew damn well that they wanted him to tag along because Emily had told them about his date with the cute blonde at the coffee shop had gone tits up. Of course, she’d chosen to leave out that his date had failed because she’d entered the shop and wolf-whistled at the sight of him.

But, she has chosen to blame the entire thing on him because he should have told her.

Ah, silly him.

Now, he’s waiting on his front porch for Will to drop her off at his place. Does she have an apartment of her own? Yes. But she’s a clingy drunk and it’s custom for her to come to sleep in his bed. Besides, who else is going to hold her hair up while she pukes?

He smiles when he sees her. God… leave it to him to pick Emily Prentiss, of all people, to be his best friend. Well, he’s not really sure he chose or picked her so much as ended up within her mercy. “Emily,” he greets softly, smiling when she walks right up to him and headbutts his chest. She just falls straight into him. 

He shuffles to accommodate her weight but they do this little dance frequently. With one hand on the back of her head, he raises the other to wave to Will that he’s free to go. The detective nods and pulls the car into reverse, JJ and Garcia in the back shouting their own goodbyes.

“Alright,” Hotch rubs her shoulders, shivering from the night’s chill. “Pigging back ride?” 

She nods and it’s only with practiced ease that they manage this so easily. 

As he stands, he gives her a second to adjust herself before he starts walking back towards his porch. This is the exact reason he does squats at the gym, so his thighs don’t shake as he carries her up the stairs. 

“Oh,” Emily whines into his back, where her face is buried. “I hope I didn’t wake Jack.”

He’s overly careful to make sure he doesn’t hit her legs as he steps into the door. Stopping to shut the door behind them he tells her, “he’s not here.” He scowls with concentration as he moves down the hall. “He’s spending the weekend with his cousins.” He’d told her this earlier, too many times. It is one of the smaller reasons she’d invited him to girls night: so he wouldn’t have to be alone in his house. 

They share many secrets. He’d been the first person on the team to know she’s gay. He still remains one of the few who know. JJ and Garcia know-- tequila always makes her lose her grip. He also knows that she wants to have a family and about her giant crush on JJ. 

Just like she knows that sitting in his empty house stresses him out. He turns into the empty walls and all he can think about is being completely alone while Foyet was trying to hunt down his son and Haley. She knows this and… she’d left him here all by himself.

“Emily,” he whispers, feeling her hot tears soak into the back of his shirt. He’s not mad or even frustrated, he’s just sad. He can’t do anything about it just yet. So, he takes her back to his room. He helps her out of her blouse, replacing it with his George-town hoodie so she can curl her legs into. 

Only once she’s situated, his back turned so she can hiccup and dry her tears while she slips into a pair of her own shorts he kneels down in front of her. “Emily.” He shakes his head, she’s still inconsolable, so he pulls her to his chest. “Emily, I’m a grown man.” He rubs her back, “I can handle being in my own home.”

She only cries harder and it hurts him because whatever it is that’s really bothering her he can’t fix. 

“Would you love me more if I wasn’t a lesbian,” she asks, sobbing into his shoulder.

Well… he blanks. What is he even supposed to say to that? Now she’s really crying and he’s-- he can’t think of a single thing to say. “Emily…” he shakes his head. “I--I don’t care that you’re a lesbian.” And why would he? How many times have they had the ‘it would be like kissing my brother/sister’ conversation? Or the ‘even if I were straight…’? He doesn’t feel sexually attracted to her. 

He just… he loves her because she’s his family. 

“You don’t,” she asks, sniffling. She pushes his shoulders away from her so that she can see his eyes. So she can see if he’s lying. “You don’t hate me?” Because she’s certain that he does sometimes. Like he can stand the thought of her. 

He shakes his head. “It would be very hypocritical of me to hate you for being gay,” he says, without really thinking about what that means. At what he’s admitting.

Though she doesn’t say anything, the admission sobers her. With tender care he tucks her into bed. Smiling softly when she pulls him down beside her.

They fall asleep on their sides, facing one another. He falls asleep first. Too exhausted to wait her out. Between them, she gently reaches over and brushes her thumb over his cheek bone. Trialing it along the facial hair he’s let grow over the course of their long weekend off. 

He breaks her heart.

“So, are we just not going to talk about it?”

They’re watching a basketball game from earlier in the week because it’s Tuesday and she gets to pick what they watch on Tuesdays. Granted, it’s sports and he hates sports which means that he gets to pick whether or not they sit close. She knows something is wrong because he puts the entire couch between them. They’re not even sharing a blanket and he always lets her have some of his blankets.

She gets cold easily. 

“Talk about what, Emily?” The way he says her name… it’s not right. He always says Emily kindly, loving. He says her name and it makes her proud to be Emily but this time it’s a reprimand and she sees it for exactly what it is—- an attempt to push her away. To make her feel afraid to push on.

But she’s been gay for so long, openly gay. It takes more than a little bit of attitude to scare her off. “You,” she says, softly. “You’re gay, Aaron, and—-“

He flinches at the word gay. Recoiling. “Emily,” his tone shifts to pleading. 

“You—-“ she shifts too. She turns her body to face her, no longer relaxed. “Aaron, there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

Sodomy, Aaron thinks. First and for most, there’s sodomy and it’s a sin to love a man. A sin to love men in a way he could never love Haley. Which Emily would understand if he told her about his sex life with Haley. Rather, his nonexistent sex life with Haley. He loved Haley so much but he could never love her the right way. The way God had intended.

By the time he manages to raise his eyes to hers, there are tears streaming down his face. He’s so helplessly broken and he can’t even hide it.

“Oh, Aaron.” Emily pulls him against her chest, rubbing up and down his back as he sobs. “I…” she doesn’t know what to say. She knows it’s the Catholisim here at play but her youth was so very different from his. Matthew had saved her from the fate Aaron had succumbed to. Matthew had shown her the churches many faults and…

Aaron had no one. 

No one but the Bible and a God who never answered back.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” she whispers, rocking their bodies gently. “There’s nothing wrong with you Aaron.”

He sobs even harder. He wishes he could believe that. He does. He wishes he could but…

They agree to never talk about it. Meaning, Emily begrudgingly lets it go.

The universe isn’t ready for Hotch to shove it under the rug though.

There’s this barista at the coffee shop downtown--- more than a barista, he’s the owner, actually. He’s a giant. He almost makes Hotch feel small in comparison. In college, he’d been a football player but he’d messed his knee up pretty bad Junior year. He became dependent on the painkillers he’d received after surgery. He’d dropped out of college a few months later.

Hotch learns all of this only after two coffees.

One that he has Monday with the man’s phone-number and name scribbled onto the side of his cup. His cheeks had turned a furious shade of pink when Morgan had asked who Charlie is and if she was pretty. For some reason, despite coaching himself over and over in the mirror that he’d never go back--- Hotch goes back to the coffee shop Thursday. 

This time as Hotch is handing the other man a five dollar bill he adds his own phone-number and name attached with a simple sticky-note.

He’s not even out the door yet when his phone vibrates. 

“I thought I’d scared you off, mysterious FBI man.”

It makes him stop in his tracks. A smile tugs at his lips and there isn’t a single thought in his head about church or God or his father just this impossibly good feeling in his chest. It’s been so long since he’s done the flirting thing but he replies: “As good as mysterious FBI man sounds, I typically go by Aaron. Besides, it takes a little bit more than a phone-number to scare me off”

The texts keep coming and Hotch doesn’t mind.

Charlie tells him about college and Hotch tells him about the team. It’s out of character for him to be so open but it’s just coffee and flirting and a really hot barista. 

The feeling is very mutual.

“Kiss me, g-man.”

Hotch shakes his head, chuckling when Charlie throws his hips over Hotch’s waist. “You’d better---” whatever threat he’s making half-heartedly turns into a groan when Charlie starts planting open mouth kisses along his collar. Sucking a hickey under his ear where it will be painfully obvious to the team. 

When Hotch lets out a grunt, his hand grabbing at Charlie’s shirt and the other going to his hair Charlie laughs. He buries his face in Hotch’s neck, his hand traveling down to the front of his pants. “Is that your gun?” he pulls back with a smirk. 

Lightly, he pushes Aaron back on the bed. Charlie’s nimble fingers wrap around his jeans, pulling the tight fabric off of his ass. 

“I don’t remember asking for this,” Hotch grunts, fist clenched tightly in the bedsheets. It’s the only way he can assure that he won’t go bucking into Charlie’s palm the minute he starts touching again. He’s not going to cave like that.

To his credit, Charlie stops. He plants his hands on both sides of Hotch’s hips, his mouth sending a dangerous gust of warm air over Hotch’s straining cock. He lifts an eyebrow, “say the word, Aaron.” Say the word and it stops. They don’t dance along fancy lines like that. Charlie wouldn’t do that. 

Sitting up, Aaron wraps his legs around Charlie’s hips. He runs his fingers up through Charlie’s hair, kissing him. With a smile he pulls away and whispers, “fuck me, Charlie.”

And he’ll be damned if he doesn’t do just that. 

Sodomy is way better than Aaron remembers.

They’re about three months into this when Charlie learns that Hotch hasn’t told a soul about him. At least, not really. Not past the point of passing in conversation. Hell, he hasn’t even told them that Charlie isn’t some bombshell blonde woman but a 6’4 black man who owns the coffee shop. 

“Fine,” Hotch caves despite the anxiety leaving him so unnerved he’s shaking. “Do you want to come with me to Dave’s this weekend?” He’s got an edge to his tone. He’s hoping Charlie takes the bait and rolls his eyes. He almost hopes for a fight.

Charlie nods his head, “I would like to, actually.”

Fuck. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

It’s not okay. It’s far from it. 

He sits on edge for the rest of the week. Begging for a case. None come.

If Charlie has anything to say about Hotch letting go of his hand when they step out of the car, he doesn’t say anything. He does offer him a supportive smile, reaching between them to squeeze Aaron’s bicep.

“Dave,” Hotch breathes the other man’s voice and Charlie can hear the panic seeping into his deep tone. But then he just blanks. 

Charlie stretches his hand out, “I’m Charlie.”

Dave gets over his momentary shock very quickly. “Charlie,” Dave shakes his head with a smile. He avoids the hand being offered and pulls the younger man in for a hug. “I have heard so much about you! I was just a little shocked. I was expecting--”

Charlie laughs, “a woman.”

Dave claps him on the back. “Well, yes, I was.” He smiles at Hotch next, pulling him in for a hug too. Dave can feel just how unnerved Hotch is but he doesn’t comment. He just squeezes him a little tighter. “More so,” Dave says, “I was expecting a blonde. He really likes blondes.”

Charlie glances back at Aaron, keeping his smile in place even when Aaron can’t look up from his intense battle with the floor. 

“Well, come on in! I’ve got enough bourbon and food in here to feed a small army!”

Charlie steps inside first, Aaron hot on his heels.

Charlie turns around, to look back at Aaron. Calling the other man’s name for attention. “Aaron,” he calls softly, grabbing his hand. “Show me to the bathroom.” 

Hotch nods his head, eyes vacant as he moves on through the room. Ghosting. “It’s, ugh,” Hotch points lamely to the door. 

Charlie pulls him into the small room. Aaron making a small grunt of protest. “Look at me,” says, stern but not overbearing. “Aaron, please.”

It takes a moment but Aaron pulls his eyes off the floor. He grimaces when a tear falls down his cheek, ashamed of this display of emotion. This vulnerability.

With a sad smile, Charlie wipes it away with the pad of his thumb. “They didn’t know did they?”

Leaning forward, Hotch buried his face in Charlie’s blue t-shirt. It’s old and soft and it does nothing to slow his tears. He shakes his head. “They didn’t.”

Fuck. Charlie wraps his arms around Hotch, pulling him close. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

What other options are there? If Charlie hadn’t forced his hand Hotch would have happily died in the blissful lie he’d created. He could have died alone. No need to come out. Hell, if he’d just found another blonde woman he could have married her and died “straight”. 

Anything is better than this in-between. 

“Aaron,” Charlie breathes his name sadly. He doesn’t know what to say. His family had disowned him. So, he can’t just reassure Aaron it’ll be okay but Dave took it so well. “Have you even given them a chance?”

Well… Dave did take it very well and Emily already knows. 

“No,” he answers honestly. 

Charlie presses a kiss to his temple, asking, “maybe you should give them the benefit of the doubt?”

A knock at the door makes them both jump. 

“Hotch,” Reid whines from the other side. “I really have to go.”

Hotch smiles and that makes Charlie smile. “Good?” he asks.

Hotch nods, “good.”

The pair step out of the bathroom. 

Reid blushes and slides past. 

“You don’t think he thinks we were…”

Hotch nods, “more than likely.”

Heading back down the hall, Charlie leans into Hotch’s side. “Which one was that?”

“Reid.”

Charlie hums his understanding. Cuter than he’d imagined. Aaron had said tall and thin but it really did the genius no justice. He’s an attractive young man. “You didn’t tell me he was cute.”

Wrapping his arm around Charlie’s waist he pulls the other man closer. His heart is beating hard in his chest but he kisses the other man, closing his eyes and enjoying this moment. Separating just enough to say, “I think he said he plays for your team. If you’re interested.”

“My team,” Charlie repeats. He runs a finger along Aaron’s brow, sweeping his hair back. “My team is you,” Charlie rolls his eyes. “Doofus.”

Hotch’s jaw drops. “Doofus?” 

Charlie smiles, “my doofus.”

Emily stops at the mouth of the hall, having heard the dee rumbling sound of voices “That’s fucking adorable.”

Hotch groans, pushing his face into Charlie’s chest. 

“Don’t groan at me,” she says. “You’re the bastard that came out to me. Ghosted me. Then went and got a boyfriend.”

Hotch grimaces, “Emily…”

She waves him, turning her attention to Charlie. “You,” she sticks her hand out and they share a handshake. “You got yourself a good one. He can be an ass though.”

Charlie chuckles at that, “he really can be. Also, insufferable.”

Emily opens her mouth in happy shock. “Right? What about him being a know-it-all?”

Charlie nods, “don’t forget being a tight ass.”

Hotch feels a comment about their sex lives attempting to roll of his tongue. Something along the lines of Charlie saying he’d liked his ass last night— instead he just grunts. “Enough about me,” he grumbles. 

Emily smiles at both of them. She really is happy. Hotch deserves to be happy. With a smirk she motions for them to follow her. “Come on, drinks?”

Somehow, despite everything Hotch had convinced himself, everything is fine.

Charlie ends up wondering off with Morgan. The two deep into a conversation about a beam Morgan’s building around. Hotch had watched Charlie gag down Garcia’s awful shots and listen to Reid talk about thermodynamics.

And when Hotch’s anxiety started getting bad again, Charlie was right there. Hotch hadn’t said anything, he didn’t even close himself off. Emily had just excused herself to go yell about something with JJ, leaving him leaning against the bar in the kitchen. But Charlie had come up and squeezed his hand. Winking for good measure. Hotch’s anxiety, like his heart, melted into a puddle around his feet.

“Goodbye,” Emily wishes them a farewell. She kisses both their cheeks and holds on to Hotch a moment longer than she normally would. “So, does this mean we’re back on for movie nights?”

Hotch nods. He’s missed their movie nights. He’s missed hanging out with her. 

In the end, it’s the two of them and Dave.

Hotch’s anxiety rears it’s ugly head. Another painful reminder of the childhood he’ll never escape. Of God and sin and hell. The Catholic Church is solid force in Dave’s life and he’s askin Dave to choose. And Aaron knows he’s not going to be chosen.

“You boys good to drive home?” Dave hands Charlie a Tupperware container of leftovers.

Charlie nods, “we’re okay.”

Well, Charlie is. Hotch is little tipsy and one wrong word away from throwing up on the porch. 

“Be safe,” Dave says, pulling Charlie in for a hug first. He pats his back, lowering his head to whisper. “Take care of my boy, you here?”

It makes Charlie smile. They’d briefly discussed Aaron’s real father but Charlie can see exactly what Aaron had meant when he said Dave had been the man that raised him. He’s gentle and firm and Charlie is glad Aaron was able to find a father. “Of course,” Charlie responds. “Someone has to.”

That makes Dave chuckle. Damn right. 

“Come here, son.” Aaron’s always been bigger than Dave, not that he minds. He pulls him down into his arms, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Lowering his voice he whispers, “I’m glad you brought Charlie. He’s a good man. I’m proud of you.”

Hotch feels the dam break. He wraps his arms tighter around Dave, all of his youth and sexuality and feelings finally making sense. He doesn’t have to chose. He can be himself and be happy, it’s allowed. 

Aaron Hotchner didn’t kill his mother or his mother. He’s always done his best and that’s all he can do.

“You’re a good man,” Dave whispers, rubbing his back.

And… Aaron might just be starting to believe him. 

[generalfoolish]

Mavar

Rating: 18+ (minors take a hike)

Warnings: helmet less!Din

Word count: ~1.8K

Pairing: (eventually!!!) Din Djarin x F!reader

Summary: Two Mandalorians go to the grocery store (restock)

A/N: Hey babes! This is number eight of the #mandomay2021 prompt list. Sorry it's a little late! I definitely hit a bump. It's pretty much all fluff. I will continue be taking Din's helmet off as often as I can, I'm a sucker for that face! Feel free to send me hate for the last few lines! Enjoy 💕

Masterlist | Partaylir | Ori'vod

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

Hyperspace was always cold. An experienced pilot, like yourself, knew that. You were expecting the cold, but what Mando gave you was a freeze. No, not Mando, Djarin or Din? You tucked it away, he hadn’t given you his name yet, and Skywalker had interesting ideas of what a “good” nickname made.

You had hid yourself away in the hull, and that afforded you some reprieve from the tundra in the cockpit. Mando’s helmet was fitted snugly back on his head, and you had just skulked downstairs to wait. The jump to Naboo would be short, and Mando could pilot his ship without your company.

You had scoffed when he had suggested Naboo for the refuel. A Mid Rim planet? For a fuel-up, no less. You had just about bit through your tongue, when he punched the coordinates in. Whatever, you had told yourself, a temperate climate would be nice after the stifling, muggy swamps of Dagobah. You had to remind yourself, though, that it was just another step to what you wanted.

Except, what you wanted might be changing. Or had already changed. You picked at the peeling black paint, and eyed the untarnished silver below. The children on Jelucan, and Mando’s child on Dagobah, had you considering a different path. One you find yourself craving for in the dim, red-washed lights of the hull. A youngling of your own? Or maybe not even that complicated, just a...family. Someone to keep fighting for. You had a creed and a plan, but between you and the storage crates you were perched on, you didn’t think you cared to uphold that creed any longer.

Who was it for? Your kin were all dead. You thought of Mando, the man of ice upstairs, and assumed his kin were likely dead too. It was a common side-effect of living on the Outer Rim. It was an even bigger side-effect of being a mandalorian. You wondered, not unkindly, if he was lonely. If he simply had forgotten how to be.

Then your rising stomach acid, the familiar burn hot on your throat, reminded you that he was plenty friendly to Cara and Luke. Loving to Grogu. You assumed he would be kind to Karga, too. Anyone in the galaxy, except for you it seemed.

You groaned, knowing that wasn’t entirely true. Or, if it was, it was because you had thought he was going to murder you. For the record, you thought, it’s unlikely.

He cleared his throat twice before you noticed, teetering dangerously close to falling from your crate from the startle. He titled his helmet, and you decided it was an apology.

“We’re dropping from hyperspace, and docking, so, if you want to strap in somewhere…” He trailed off, but was vaguely gesturing to your impeccable balance. You snorted in response, but followed him back up the stairs.

He seemed to have thawed in your time apart.

~~

“It is beautiful here, isn’t it?” You mused, your modulated tone not carrying the wonder you felt. Mando only nodded in response, and paid to be refueled. You shrugged and stepped off the ramp. You wished you could deeply inhale, the air seemed clean, even at the Kwilaan spaceport.

You followed the crowd, the intermingling of species a stark contrast to any covert you’d been in. You had always loved the variety of life, and found it lacking in mandalorian culture. Not that it was strictly humans, like you and Mando. It was quite the opposite, as far as you knew. A misread text, a few generations of stuffy “believers,” and a civil war, kept most mandalorians beneath their beskar. Even painted beskar sang of mundanity. Even the light of Naboo reflected off of Mando’s pauldron paled in comparison to the stormy eyes you knew were just below the visor.

Yelling brought your attention back to the market, and you smiled when you saw the bountiful fruit selection. Jelucan and Nevarro had their charms, you were sure, but a selection of fresh fruit wasn’t one. Understandably, Mando’s ship wasn’t stocked with any, and yours hadn’t been either. Luke had shared his meals with you, but Dagobah seemed treacherous. You hoped he would take his X-Wing and Grogu and fly somewhere nicer. A beach planet, hopefully.

Mando gently squeezed your arm, and it brought you back again. You felt heat creep up your neck, and wondered when you had gotten so airheaded. You motioned to the fruit, and paid the merchant for a heavy bag. You tugged Mando’s arm with you to the next stall, and so it went. You flitting around, stocking up for the journey, and pulling Mando along. He stood beside you, not possessively or threateningly, just there. Not that you needed help looking intimidating. The chipped black paint gave you the look of a seasoned warrior.

It was far from the truth, but it helped keep the pickpockets away. When you had finished your shopping, and pulled Mando back to the flow of the crowd heading into the station, he seemed to deflate a bit. You smiled at his hesitancy. When you got to the ship, you watched as Mando toggled his vambrace to shut the door.

“Want to camp out by a lake tonight? We have a long trip ahead, and this planet is too good to pass up.” You spoke confidently, but you flexed your fingers at your side to stop their shaking. He tilted his helmet dramatically to the side, and you waited for the disapproving verbiage. It didn’t come.

“It is getting pretty late…” He told you quietly, and motioned towards the cockpit. You followed, setting the few bags down, and taking the rungs two at a time.

You sat down behind him, and he punched in some coordinates. The ship lifted easily, and you watched the city die down until there was nothing but mountains beneath you. You sucked in a sharp breath when the mountains broke away and revealed a beautiful lake vista. Mando surprised you by setting the ship down, right in the field. You looked at him, sure your helmet betrayed your shock, and he chuckled.

“I thought you might ask, so I checked a few places.” He shrugged, not knowing that the gesture was too much. Too big. Just a few hours ago, you had resigned to never talk to him again. And here he had found you a gorgeous campsite. You rested your hand on his, for a moment, and then took it away. You hoped it conveyed the right message, but you weren’t sure what you wanted that message to be anymore.

You stood slowly, and eased your helmet off. You paused for a minute, and then decided to go all the way. You took each piece of armor off, casting it aside, until you were down to the under clothes. Mando watched silently, and you wondered if it felt sacrilegious to him. Until, he reached up under his helmet, and slipped it off. His hair was messy from the helmet, but the curls still plopped around his face. He was less hesitant in removing the rest. Soon, he was in his dark under clothes. His slight smile was a delicious sight.

“You can bring the blaster.” You joked, as you made your way to the ladder. He fixed you with a glare, and then smirked.

“Of course. Weapons are my religion.” You giggled as you picked the bag of fruit up, and walked down the ramp. Mando was two steps behind you, controlling the ship with his vambrace. You liked that feature, you’d have to have him set yours up. If you ever made it back to your ship.

More and more, you were hopeful you would. You watched as he spread a small blanket out on the soft grass, and you joined him when he clumsily sat down. He laughed, a sharp, barking laugh. An unpracticed laugh, you realized.

“I can’t remember the last time I sat down with the suit.” He explained, grabbing the muja fruit from your hand. You glared, but grabbed a new one, anyway.

“That’s incredible. I can’t wait to have mine off.” You muttered into the skin of the fruit, before taking a bite. You felt his eyes, so you met them. He looked amazed. Or maybe, curious.

“Doesn’t your armor feel natural to you? Like a second skin. Or even your only skin? I feel so exposed right now.” He confessed, taking a bite. You considered it for a moment.

“I...I never felt like I really belonged in the suit at all. It’s stifling to me.”

“Probably because you painted it black.” He told you, his usual deadpan tone ruined by his loping grin.

“Well, I only just did that. It was part of my death rite, I guess.” He lifted an eyebrow, so you continued. “I didn’t think I would still be alive. I had big plans, but then...the Force? No, not for me. Whatever controls the universe, reminded me what life was actually like. My clan was wiped out, and for a while, I couldn’t breathe.”

“I was orphaned when I was young. It was a war. I was rescued. Were you born in?” You nodded, stealing another glance at him. His brow was furrowed, and you wanted to smooth it.

“I’ve never known anything else...but it doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t know, Mando-”

“Mando?” He interrupted, looking bemused.

“Yeah, I don’t know your name.” You took a bite to cover how awkward you felt.

“Yes, you do? Luke said it back on Dagobah.” He reminded you. As if you had forgotten, what the most beautiful man you’ve seen was named.

“Well, you hadn't told me. It seemed too...personal. And you were mad at me.” You told him, matter-of-factly.

“I wasn’t mad at you, ridiculous girl. I was amazed. You just…” He mimicked taking his helmet off. “Without any hesitation. You let me in, just like that.” You felt your ears start to get hot.

“You saw me without my helmet in the covert?”

“That wasn’t deliberate.”

“It could have been.”

“I don’t think it was.” He murmured. It was only then you realized how close you had gotted. Both of you gravitating toward the other, the blanket bunched by your legs, his breath hot and sweet in your nose.

“Din.” He told you, his nose grazing yours, before he pulled back completely.

“Nice to meet you, Din.” You whispered, your mind not as sharp as it was, drunk on his smell. He lifted his fruit to yours, and met your eyes again.

“To names and faces.” He smiled as he waited for your cheers, and you couldn’t string together a thought, let alone a joke.

“To...mavar.” You said plainly, taking a bite of your fruit.

**Mavar: freedom.

[thatlesbiannudistcult-stories]

Blooming Rose preview

Here it is, just as I promised. The preview of the new story I've been working on set in the universe of That Lesbian Nudist Cult. Enjoy and look forward to the full chapter coming soon.

***

"Um, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course it's a good idea, Rosie."

"But...you're still...naked!"

"Yes, I am," June smirked, striking a pose that displayed both her boobs and her butt to her niece. "And I have been for over half a year now. And I always will be. I am naked forever now, and everyone has learned to accept that. Including Paisano's. Now come on. We've dilly-dallied long enough."

She took Rose's hand into her own and half-dragged, half-guided her into what had long been the pair's favorite Italian restaurant. June walked across the parking lot, past all the cars, and into the doors like everything was perfectly normal, from the dim ambient lighting of the establishment to her state of complete nakedness. She had nothing on, nothing at all, not even any shoes. Every inch of her body was laid bare and exposed for Rose's eyes to feast on, and feast on her she did. From her position, Rose had the perfect view of her aunt's complete figure. She could see June's every nook and every curve, from the way her shoulders and her buttocks expanded outward from her narrow waist, to how the shadows fell deep into her contours and accentuated her taut and toned muscles. She could see the way they stretched and rippled as she walked, how her long dark hair swung rhythmically as she moved, and how serpentine her hips were as they swayed with every step she took. Rose felt her eyes inevitably fall upon the globes of June's bulbous butt cheeks, drawn to them as if they projected their own gravitational force. They looked so soft and so smooth, like they were carved from marble, and yet they quivered in a way that reminded Rose that they were flesh and blood. Law and society demanded they be covered and hidden from the world, and yet here they were, out and exposed for everyone to gaze upon! For...Rose to gaze upon.

"Here we are, this is our table. You can let go now, Rose."

"Huh?" the younger girl stammered, taking her eyes off June's butt and seeing her aunt was now looking at her directly. "Oh, right, right, yes, of course!" Instinctively, she pulled her hand away from her aunt's and shuffled haphazardly into her booth seat, clutching her hand close to her chest. The hand that had just been touching her aunt so...intimately. Wait...why was she thinking that?

She didn't have enough time to figure out why before a waitress bounced over to the table. "Oh, June, ah, I mean, uh...Miss Tress, how good to see you again. Shall I get you the usual?"

"Yes, please," June said with a gentle smile, flattening a hand upon her breast in such a way that caused it to jiggle slightly. Rose's eyes bounced with every minute vibration in the supple flesh.

"And what will your date be having tonight?"

Rose felt her whole face burst into flame. "D-date?"

"Oh no, it's nothing of the sort this time," said the naked woman. "This is my niece, Rose."

The waitresses' face could easily have been a reflection of Rose's with how red it turned. "Oh. Oh. Of course. I'm so sorry, I-I didn't know you...I mean you look so young and...shoot, I didn't mean..."

"It's alright, don't beat yourself up over it," said June, placing a reassuring hand on the woman's arm. "I know I look young. The Goddess made me this way. Now how about you just get our drinks and let my precious Rose decide on her order."

"Right. That's what I should be doing. I am working after all, heh, heh, heh, heh," the waitress said with a nervous giggle.

After taking the younger woman's drink order and scurrying away, Rose turned to her aunt and said "Do you know that girl?"

"You could say that I do," said June cryptically. "I am a regular here after all."

"Of...of course," Rose stuttered nervously, not knowing if that was a confirmation that her aunt had sex with the girl or not. She really needed to stop thinking about that. Even though her aunt had explained that her new religion meant she had to be more...feisty, June's sex life was still none of her business.

"So how has school been going?" said June.

"Huh? Oh, it's...been going...good I guess."

"Have you been doing anything interesting lately?"

"Not really," Rose said almost mechanically with a disinterested shrug, knowing nobody was ever actually interested in what she actually studied at school. But then she remembered this wasn't just nobody she was talking to. This was Aunt June. The same Aunt June who was always more supportive of Rose's interests and hobbies than just about every other grown-up in her life. Maybe the bespectacled girl could afford to tell her after all. "Well, actually, me and some friends were working on a game last semester."

"A game?" June asked, leaning forward to rest her chin on her hand.

"Uh, yeah, just some small thing. It's not in a playable state or anything yet, but I've mostly been drawing all the sprites—that is, all the characters and enemies in it—and animating them."

"Oh, cool. Are you able to show those off just yet?"

"Yeah. I should have all my files saved up on my computer. Walk cycles and everything! I even made this one squid-like character that I'm especially proud of, with flailing tentacles and all."

"Ooooh, tentacles. Kinky!" giggled June, wagging her eyebrows at Rose in a way that was too comical to even be considered suggestive. Rose couldn't help but laugh with her "I would love to see these sprites later."

"Yeah. I had a lot of fun making them."

"Is this for a school project?"

"No, it's just something we're doing on the side for fun. But...we think we might be able to make it into a real project next semester.

For the first time since she had laid eyes on her aunt's naked body, Rose smiled. Despite everything that had changed about June, she was still the aunt she had always known. Sure she was a little more completely naked all the time now and she swore the older woman had regressed in age by at least ten years give or take, but she was still as easygoing and fun to talk to as she always was. Perhaps Rose would have an easier time adjusting to her new lifestyle than she initially thought.

The drinks came and soon enough, so did the food, and the two women spent all that time enjoying their meal as they conversed about all the usual things going on in their lives and what they hoped to accomplish over the next week they would spend with each other. And while it was impossible for Rose to not take notice of every instance her aunt's generous bosoms bounced and jiggled around, she was finding herself growing more comfortable with the things in all their bare, cream-colored glory. If she just thought of them as another one of June's quirky qualities, they wouldn't seem so bad no matter how much they bobbled around on the older woman's chest. Neither would the red nubs on them, which seemed to grow longer with every passing minute.

Eventually, the girls finished up their meal and the waitress came asking if they would like dessert. Rose placed an order for a delectable-looking chocolate mousse cake, but June just smiled mysteriously, let out a breathy sigh, and said: "Will you be taking your break soon?"

"Yes!" the waitress beamed, her eyes and her lips bouncing upward excitedly. "Uh, I mean, of course I will...if you want."

"I do. It's been...so long," said June, who was drawing in very deep, husky breaths.

The waitress gave a curt nod before scurrying away with an excited look on her face. Rose quirked an eyebrow at her retreating form. What was that about?

"So, uh, you're not...ordering anything?" she said, turning back to her aunt.

"She knows exactly what I want."

[and-damntheconsequences]

Modern Merlin AU — With Gays and Churches

Slight CW for religious homophobia, and ofc I know that the majority of Christians are loving and beautiful people 💕

**

The Cast:

Uther: A firmly anti-gay pastor who is well known and mostly respected by the congregation and the community.

Ygraine: Uther's ex wife who divorced him after she found about an affair he had once had with a woman who named Vivian.

Arthur: Their son, who lives entirely with Uther and attends a religious school nearby.

Leon: Arthur's friend who also attends that school, who's parents have been going to Uther's church for years and years.

Merlin: A boy who recently joined the school after moving with his uncle, who teaches there. Also a closeted gay.

Gaius: An old friend of Uther's, a teacher at the school, and the only other person who knows about the affair.

Morgana: Uther's child from his affair with Vivian. She moves in with Uther when she's 10, since her mother can't financially support them both anymore.

Gwen: A girl at the school, who Arthur dates briefly in order to "prove" that he is straight.

Elyan: Gwen's brother, who lived with more distant family for a few years and has recently returned.

All other "round table" knights: New kids (they arrive at different times) who's parents have recently converted to Christianity and enrolled them in the school. Gwaine's family actually came from another church but he doesn't talk about that much, since he's not actually religious himself. Also Gwaine picks fights with homophobic teachers.

Kilgharrah: Either an angel, a demon, God Himself, or the school principal, I can't decide. Whichever he is, he occasionally pops up to give both Merlin and Arthur utterly useless life advice, in whatever form that takes depending on who he is. If he's somehow celestial, it's probably through sarcastic comments in dreams. If he's the school principal, he's just... That teacher that decides that stopping you in the corridor to Impart Words Of Adult Wisdom is a great use of everyone's time.

**

The Plot:

Uther becomes pastor at a church, and marries Ygraine. She disagrees with many of his views, but doesn't speak up about them, wanting to be a "good wife". That is, until she discovers that he once had an affair with a woman named Vivian and gave her a child. Ygraine then quietly divorces him and leaves, too afraid of making a fuss to try to get custody of Arthur. Uther tells everyone, including Arthur, that it was her choice to leave and that she willingly parted from the ways of the Lord. No one knows about the affair except him, her, and Vivian (and Gaius).

Arthur grows up with only Uther, not having many close friends, only Leon, who he's known his whole life and who's parents are also very religious. When Arthur is around 10, Vivian turns up on their doorstep, insisting that she has fallen into financial trouble, and cannot look after her child anymore. Uther takes Morgana in, insisting it was an act of charity on his behalf, and that Vivian was only an old friend. Everyone believes he is being a good samaritan, but secretly he hopes that if he "redeems" his child to the church, he may find redemption for what he did. Arthur and Morgana are the same age, and Uther begs Morgana not to tell Arthur the truth (threatening her for if she does), so he doesn't know she's his sister. They get on, mostly, but Arthur's a bit of a prat in lecturing her about God sometimes because he thinks that's how you make friends.

Anyway, a few years later, when Arthur is around 14, Merlin joins his school (they're roughly the same age here, Merlin only a few months younger.) He was sent to his uncle by his mother, since he came out to her and she didn't accept him. She wanted him to go to church and a religious school to "fix" him. He now lives with Gaius, and goes back into the closet for the time he's at school. He quickly becomes friends with Gwaine, who doesn't have many friends and is constantly in trouble for arguing with bigoted teachers.

Because he's really academic, Uther asks Gaius if it would be possible for Merlin to come round and help tutor Arthur in order to catch Arthur up with his studies, so Merlin starts coming around every Tuesday and Thursday. They slowly become friends, despite Merlin being quite rude, and Arthur having the most frustrating "holier than thou" attitude because he's the priest's son. Merlin develops a crush on him, and quickly gives up on trying to deny his sexuality to himself, but he can't tell Arthur, or anyone else.

In time, Merlin stops being so afraid of his own sexuality, and sneaks off to a pride parade and attends an LGBT group a couple of times. Gaius suspects what he might be doing, but says nothing.

When Morgana turns 16, she tells them all that she thinks she might be a lesbian. She's scared, but hopes that Uther may be understanding. Instead, he kicks her out, despite Arthur's protests that it isn't fair. She goes to live with some friends in similar situations, and over the next few months, cuts off Uther completely, changes school, and starts regularly attending LGBTQ+ events and just generally living her best lesbian life.

This makes Uther incredibly angry, and he takes it out on Arthur a lot, who starts going to Gaius and Merlin's after school to avoid him. He texts Morgana a bit, but is afraid to keep close contact with her, and still sees homosexuality as a sin. However, this whole situation has made him actually think about his own sexuality, and he's now afraid that maybe HE himself isn't totally straight. To prove that he is to himself, he asks Gwen on a date, but he can't ever truly like her, and she knows that.

At the same time, Merlin is trying to get rid of his crush on Arthur because he doesn't want to ruin that friendship, so he starts going to pride groups weekly, to meet others. He meets Will, a trans guy, and they almost date for a while, but Merlin can't commit to it because of his own feelings. Morgana happens to meet him there, and at first that interaction is a little awkward, but instead of pressuring him, she just gives him a hug, and tells him it's okay, she's learnt that now. She'll always be here for him if he needs to feel safe away from Uther/Arthur, or the school as a whole. He tells her that he hopes Arthur could be different from his father, and she says she hopes so, but she doesn't believe he would be — he seems to hate her too now. But that's okay. She's got a new family now. She's happy.

And then, eventually, Arthur comes to accept his own feelings, and Gwen does hers. He talks to Merlin about how he isn't sure if he's straight, and eventually they date, and then kiss. Gwen has a Bisexual Awakening™, and she reconnects with Morgana (they were friends before Morgana left) and they date too. Hunith (who's been having a side plot of researching things and learning and becoming a better, more accepting person) comes to stay with Gaius for a while, and tells Merlin she loves him, and will always love him no matter who he's with, and she's sorry she never said that before now.

When Arthur turns 18, his mother reaches out to him. She was too afraid to risk upsetting Uther and the church before, but she wants to know if he's okay. He's angry at her for all the years she was silent, and all the things he didn't know, and for leaving him, but in time, she tells him the truth. Morgana also tells Arthur the truth, knowing now that he doesn't blindly believe his father, and this won't tear a rift between them. Uther's affair is then revealed to the whole congregation, most of whom are appalled, and his reputation is ruined. The church gets a new pastor.

Some of the kids realise that they don't need religion to be valid and happy, and others realise that they can have both religion and love, and God can love them no matter who they are with. Both are okay, and everyone accepts everyone. They all live their best, gayest, cutest, and happiest lives.

***

Feel free to add stuff I love this concept. Also someone needs to write something like this and tag me bc I cannot write this myself — I'm incapable of managing the 3 fics I'm writing at the moment.

[gayoperatorgunclub]

For the ultimate ship meme, Lion and Doc? I'm sorry, I'm LionDoc trash-

it’s all good!! whenever someone sends in an ask, i get an excuse to talk/write about one of my interests! really, it makes me so happy to be able to create content that people hopefully enjoy!! 💝💝💝

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - until the end of time, babey

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - it was love at first sight but then they started talking i do think it was some form of ~interest~ in one another at first sight, but then all that drama and lack of communication happened so they didn’t really allow themselves to even dream about the possibility of a relationship. HOWEVER! once lion joined rainbow and they talked their shit out like people who know how to cope, there was a period of a few months that is now referred to as The Four Months of Pining™, during which glaz did a lot of paintings where the subject (who usually bears an uncanny resemblance to doc or lion) is staring at something (or someone) longingly. he calls it his french period. when they finally get together, a LOT of money changes hands. and goes straight into sledge’s pocket (he was the only one who bet that it would take them this long). diana gets a brand new collar (handmade), bed (handmade), dish (handmade), and many new toys (some handmade, some store-bought. sledge’s craftsmanship can only get him so far) 

How was their first kiss? - you know how the french are supposed to be super suave and confident??? and how gay people are trying their hardest but they’re just Not Good at things????? (i know these are stereotypes but stay with me). well, with their 5/8 french blood (i hc one of doc’s parents is fully algerian while the other is half french, half algerian), and their 4/4 gay blood, they have an 81.25% chance of success in matters of the heart. sadly, that 18.75% chance of failure came into play during this situation. picture it. doc and lion. romantic, home-cooked dinner. le festin is playing in the background. they’re holding hands over the table. suddenly, doc’s cat goes into labour. all hell breaks loose. lion is getting flashbacks to his son’s birth, so now he’s hyperventilating. doc carries him to the couch and turns on the fan so he can cool off and catch his breath, before carefully moving his cat, Rayie (arabic for gorgeous, pronounced rye-ah) to the living room in his handmade Birthing Box, then grabs a pile of blankets and a heat lamp and situates himself on the ground nearby so he can help her if she needs it. once the kittens are born (they’re twins!! Sadiqi is the boy, and Amirti is the girl!!!) doc makes sure they’re nice and warm and that Rayie is recovering, and gives her pets while she cleans her babies. once the happy family is all settled in for the night, doc walks over to the couch and just. lays down on top of lion. once he’s gotten over the adrenaline of the birth, he takes lion’s face in his hands and says “promise me you’ll be more calm if we ever decide to have kids” and gives him a BIG smooch while lion’s just short-circuiting like “does he know i have a son???? did i forget to mention my son?????? also what about these kittens??? are they not sufficiently childish to count as children????? DOES HE WANT KIDS????? does he want to marry me??????? wait why is he getting so clo-”

Wedding:

Who proposed? - lion. it was the day of their two year anniversary (yes i AM saying they got together the august after outbreak don’t @ me) and they were on vacation at doc’s family’s Secret Beach House. they were vibing on the balcony, watching the sunset, when lion suddenly clears his throat. doc turns to look at him and finds his boyfriend down on one knee, looking like he might flee to Bermuda. he’s reaching for something in his pocket. doc starts laughing. lion, completely misunderstanding his reaction, flushes and stammers out an apology. doc sees this, and immediately stops, though he’s still smiling gleefully as he catches lion by the biceps, then reaches into his own pocket and pulls the ring he was going to give olivier. they exchange rings, giggling like little kids, and spend the rest of the night making out on whatever surfaces are available. 

Who is the best man/men? - for lion? montagne. (his son is the ring bearer and doc’s niece is the flower girl). for doc? rook. he’s so happy he gets to participate in his dad’s wedding

Who is the bride’s maid(s)? - for lion: finka. for doc: twitch

Who did the most planning? - both of them!! do you know how hard they worked to ensure the ceremony was valid in the eyes of both of their religions

Who stressed the most? - s e e  a b o v e

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - lion’s parents. they tried to call him during the reception but doc’s grandma grabbed his phone and started cussing them out, talking about dishonor and how they tried to disown him so they’re not his parents anymore, and besides, his new family absolutely adores him, so really, it’s their loss. once she hangs up, she pulls lion into a hug and he calls her his favorite, if only, grand-mère

Sex:

Who is on top? - who’s topping? lion. but sometimes doc gets bitchy so he gets to set the pace if you know what i mean

Who is the one to instigate things? - they are both lowkey horny 24/7 so 👀👀👀

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now (only because they do get to see each other fairly often. if one goes on a long mission without the other, once they get back they will bump it up to a 10 real quick)

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - idk long enough ig. maybe longer if someone feels they’ve been left ~unsatisfied~ they might go a few more rounds ;))

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - ok it depends on what they’re doing but usually it’s one or two each, but on ~special~ occasions it’s either doc getting edged and denied for hours, OR doc getting forced to come over and over again until he’s begging for something, whether it be more or a goddamn break even he isn’t really sure. either way he’s crying and lion is consistently asking if he needs to safeword and otherwise checking in because they may like it rough but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - unless someone’s hormones and organs get fucked, zero

How many children will they adopt? - probably none?? idk they’ve already got lion’s son and they’re both busy enough with work so

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - NEITHER!!!!! DISGUSTANG!!!!!!!!!

Who is the stricter parent? - god i wanna say both. like lion and his attachment to rules??? but doc and his Mom Friend energy????? but ig lion BUT HE’S NOT STRICT TO THE POINT HE’S A BUZZKILL OR ANYTHING HE’S JUST RESPONSIBLE (he will NOT allow his husband and son to go vandalize the property of some islamaphobic brits, as much as he agrees with the sentiment) 

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - doc will only allow vandalism if it’s in the name of righteousness. meaning, he’ll allow their son to spray paint the walls of a goddamn walmart with shit like “eat the rich” and a portrait of robespierre and a guillotine, but it is a HARD NO on defacing places like the library or community center (unless he has a good reason to do so). lion spends his time praying and making sure his son knows which acts of civil disobedience are acceptable and which are distorting their goal 

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - doc. he (privately) dreams of retiring (eventually) and living out his lifelong dreams of being a househusband. so

Who is the more loved parent? - SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE IM GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS. but ig lion??? BUT ONLY BECAUSE THEIR SON HAS KNOWN HIM LONGER. doc is half Dad and half Cool Uncle Who Gives Me Spray Paint And Tells Me To Make Myself Heard (to clarify, i know doc is a pacifist, but im kinda projecting my own sentiment of “we’ve tried to be peaceful but you wouldn’t give us the time of day. now that we’ve “acted out” we’ve gotten your attention, and rest assured, things are going to change.” he won’t hurt anybody, he’s just tired of having to be everyone’s “muslim friend” and educating people on things they could google themselves)

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - it used to be lion out of necessity, but when people started asking about his “wife” he was really torn between telling them that he and his son’s mother separated, but now he has a partner and his son seems very happy about it. when doc finally attends a meeting with lion, people really struggle to hide their shock. a few clunky but well-meaning “we support you”’s and “we’re sorry for everything that’s been going on”’s later, doc has used his charm to make friends with literally everyone. from then on, he is on pta duty on behalf of lion and his ex

Who cried the most at graduation? - lion! his parents purposefully didn’t show at his, so it’s a big deal for him to show his son just how proud he is. doc tears up a little too, but manages to mostly keep it together so he can support lion, who spends most of the day heave-crying about how proud he is into his husband’s shoulder. gustave just pats him on the back and tells him that they’ll run out of donuts if they don’t get to the concession stand soon

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - doc. civil disobedience, baby!! he has never been caught. lion fears the law after his youth, so he tries to avoid any visits to law enforcement. he also can’t stand to see his son behind bars

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - doc. househusband, remember?

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - doc, but only because he can be a bit of a spice supremacist. he has to get his ingredients from these very specific farms and markets or else his great grandmother will begin manifesting in their house to curse them

Who does the grocery shopping? - doc, bc he does NOT trust lion to not just sweep all of the microwave ramen and kraft mac n cheese into the cart then sprint to self-checkout

How often do they bake desserts? - whenever possible. doc and maestro live by the philosophy “don’t do anything halfway” if they’re going to go through the trouble of making a meal, it will have multiple courses. 

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - doc is more of a salad eater but only for ease of consumption with halal laws. he adores filet mignon

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - lion! maestro enlists himself as assistant head chef after walking into the base’s kitchen one day to find lion covered in flour and lying facedown on the floor, crying

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - also lion! though he’s memorized doc’s order at all of their favorite restaurants, so he usually just gets take out and puts on a big show of being a “tired housewife who works in the kitchen all day just for this one meal” and setting up the table so it’s all nice and romantic

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - lion. he tried crème brûlée once. never again 

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - lion. organization is everything to this man. doc helps with laundry and such, but for the most part he leaves organization to lion and his systems (think leslie knope levels of planning and organization)

Who is really against chores? - neither! they both understand that teamwork makes the dream work, baby!!

Who cleans up after the pets? - doc, since lion’s already asked him which color hanger should represent “clothes i can tear off my husband before we fuck” and he needs a Moment

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - neither. they don’t own a broom

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - lion because of the deep-seated catholic urge to appear perfect in front of others, and doc because people will gossip, olivier!

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - lion. he immediately called doc into the room and asked “is this your stash of drug money?” doc, who had been asleep because it was 3 in the morning on a saturday, just stares at him

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - it is so bold to assume they don’t shower together to “cut costs”

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - lion is known in their neighborhood as the man who walks cats. there is a facebook page where people post pictures of him walking his cats. vigil is an admin

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - LITERALLY EVERY HOLIDAY GETS DECORATIONS. lion makes his own for the muslim holidays since there really aren’t many “of good quality” in stores. when they first started dating, doc came home to find his house covered in ramadan decorations, and lion standing precariously on a ladder, trying to string up fairy lights while learning how to pronounce important arabic words. needless to say, doc cries

What are their goals for the relationship? - mutual joy and contentment!!!! 

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - doc. he’s sleepy

Who plays the most pranks? - lion, but they’re stupid ones like replacing certain pictures with danny devito. doc gets back at him by replacing pictures of jesus with ewan mcgregor, and putting yoda into his nativity scene. lion doesn’t notice

[pluviophile-bookworm]

I feel like I need to talk about this...

I’m very open about being aroace. At least here on Tumblr I am. (Outside of Tumblr, I am technically out, but some issues with my mother and grandmother have forced me back into the closet. I felt miserable about that initially, but I’m learning to be fine with it.) But it wasn’t always this way. In fact, I didn’t even know what aroace meant until I was 18. So how was I supposed to know when I got my first ‘celebrity crush’ that those last words do not, in fact, describe very accurately what I was experiencing? I didn’t know I had ADHD, either. I feel like that might have helped me realise some things about my experience. But let me go back a bit and actually tell you what happened and how it happened. [side note: I’ll be starting from a bit earlier than the ‘crush’ thing happened because I feel like it’s important for whoever reads this to understand how my circumstances shaped the experience I had]

Backstory:

I had always been different from my peers, so it was not surprising to anyone that I was bullied in middle school. [side note: Judging from my and my little brother’s combined experience, I feel like bullying is, quite unfortunately, something of a universal experience in middle school - in my day, I was on the receiving end. This last school year, my brother was the bully. Gosh, I wish I could tell my story without many deviations and without crying as I type, but I’ve already thrown both of those intentions out the window.]

So anyway, things got so bad that I was driven to suicidal thoughts. One night I was just lying in bed, thinking about going through with it, but I was like, well, I’ve got a test in the morning. Maybe after that. 13-year-old me had very weird priorities. I kind of still value my work over my mental health, but I’m working on it. So that night, I didn’t do anything. The next day, right before school, I was on the internet and I found out a new show had premiered. And then, as I was watching the pilot episode, that was when it happened. I saw this boy, whom I will not be naming, and I listened to him sing. I felt nothing much at the moment, but I couldn’t get the song out of my mind all day. Up until that moment, I had had a weird attitude towards music where I’d only listen to female singers. My ‘boys have cooties’ phase, I guess you could say. But this one, he was the first one I didn’t mind at all. In fact, I felt like I could listen to his voice 24/7. I’ve had that feeling hundreds of times by now, but I hadn’t before then. So I figured, this must be what a crush means, right? This must be what all my peers are talking about. The next day, I confided in a girl from my class with whom I was kind of friendly (though not actual friends, I’d say). I asked her if she’d seen the show, if she knew this person. She said yes and we kind of gushed about the song together, and I felt normal for a couple of minutes. I never knew the difference between my experience and what is considered ‘normal’ until years later.

For the time being, the thought of this special person was what was keeping me alive. I started having visions of him walking with me through the school hallways or sitting next to me on the bus home from school. I knew perfectly well those visions weren’t real, but they made me feel better. Happy. Safe. Seen. Full disclosure: I still have such visions, I’ve had them with different people through the years as my hyperfixations change. My latest one is what has enabled me to deal with some of my worst phobias (and I have a long list of them). I’ve never told anybody what it is, and I won’t be telling because I feel like if I do tell, the vision will not be strong enough to work against my fears. But I’m getting sidetracked again. Sorry for that.

So, I was pretty much obsessed with this guy. He was all I could think about, he was keeping me alive through what was possibly the toughest time in my life to date. So naturally, thanks to my heteronormative, amatonormative surroundings, I was convinced I had a crush on him. In fact, after this experience had lasted about a year, I was sure I was in love. 

Then things changed. I started high school. I found a couple of friends, and the people in my class in general made me feel like I could finally be myself. Be open about what I thought and how I felt. So by the end of the first semester, all 27 people in my class knew about my feelings for this guy. What I didn’t know was that they didn’t know that it wasn’t exactly like I was describing it. Because I wasn’t aware that a straight/ allo person’s idea of being ‘in love’ was different from mine. I was just putting things in words I thought I understood. 

So it came as a total surprise when some people from my class started teasing me about it. It wasn’t malicious teasing, that much I could tell. I had been bullied mercilessly before. What my new classmates were doing was asking genuine questions in a slightly teasing manner. For example, it would be known that my special person had a girlfriend, and so they’d ask me ‘aren’t you jealous’ or ‘do you wish you were that’, or stuff like that. And those questions felt so weird. So stupid. I thought, wait, why would I be jealous? Why would I feel bad about this person who has made me so happy, being happy himself? Why would I want to date him? That had nothing to do with how I felt. I told my classmates so. They gave me weird looks in response. So I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn’t doing that ‘in love’ thing right. Suddenly, I felt like my feelings were being intruded upon. Tarnished, somehow. I had always been aware that my visions were anything but real. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. And all of a sudden, somebody was suggesting that I should want to date this person. Why would I want to date anyone, I thought? Even if it was him. Dating people was awkward. Making physical contact with anyone outside my immediate family made me shudder. It still does, though I can hug some of my closest friends without any negative feelings. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Back to my first time I questioned my experience. I was about 14 at the time (in Bulgaria, high school starts from grade 8, ages 13-14 or 14-15), and, well, I didn’t do much questioning at the time. I just told myself that they didn’t understand my feelings, and I stopped being so open about the topic. 

My hyperfixation on this person lasted long. Longer than any other I’ve ever had to date. Maybe it was because I clung to it like it was what tethered me to my mortal life. But by my final year of high school, I could feel it fading away. I was forcing myself to think about this person, to conjure up the old visions; the song that had started it all was drained of all meaning that it had held for me. I was moving on to other hyperfixations. I felt like I was betraying myself, like I was breaking some sort of unbreakable vow. It was time to face the music. So I let go. I allowed myself to move on. It was kind of made easier by the fact that my special person had changed, too, and had moved on to projects that I could not enjoy due to some triggering content. And I moved on.

Then I joined Tumblr. I discovered some things. Among them was Hellenic polytheism. It had been a while since I’d found my faith in the Hellenic pantheon, but Tumblr was where I found out I was not alone, that there was an existent religion. And step by step, I realised that... I had been projecting Apollo’s presence onto my special person. And my old connection to that person had started fading away when I had realised I believed in the gods.

This explained a lot of things. But there was still the fact that I had never been able to look at another person the way my peers were looking at each other. I had been asked out two or three times during high school. I had rejected those people without even thinking about it. My best friend at the time was a boy and most teachers seemed to ship us together because, well, let’s be real - we were constantly fighting like an old married couple. It took him getting a girlfriend and seeing how happy I was for the two of them for everyone to realise that things between us were, and had always been, purely platonic. And now I was going to uni and I had never had feelings I was apparently supposed to have. 

It was also thanks to Tumblr that I discovered the extent of the LGBTQ+ community. I considered myself an ally at first, and I was a passionate ally, too. I still am nothing but supportive to my fellow LGBTQ+ people of all identities, but it was not until I was 18 going on 19 that I discovered the term ‘asexual’. I knew quite suddenly that this was the term for me. I knew what I was and how I felt. I felt mature enough to know the difference between ‘I’m not experienced enough to know for sure’ and ‘I’ve just never had those feelings, I don’t even know what they’re supposed to be like’. It took a bit longer to find out there was a difference between sexual and romantic attraction, but by the time I was 19, I had proudly labelled myself ‘aroace’. I still feel at home with this label. I am completely open to the possibility that it might change with time, but this is what feels right at this time. 

Fast-forward another couple of years to about 8 months ago. I had always known that I got really invested into stuff - shows, books, hobbies, people - only for that investment to wear off after a time. The timespans varied, but I realised I had experienced this ever since I was in pre-school at least. I didn’t have a term for it, though. And then, all of a sudden, Tumblr started offering me posts tagged ADHD. I could relate to maybe 95% of them. At one point, it felt like whatever algorithm this hellsite operates on was shoving the ADHD posts in my face, as if screaming ‘DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF, WELL, YOU?!!!’ in my ears. So I did some tests. I did a lot of self-reflection. I went to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed in March. I started educating myself on the terminology and found out that what I was experiencing is called hyperfixating. So here I am now.

Here I am now, reflecting back on my experience from 8 years ago, connecting the dots. Realising what it was that I went through, allowing myself to go through it again, with different things and people. I don’t feel the need to cling to hyperfixations anymore because I know that is what they are and I know I can’t keep them forever. Of course, I do feel bad about stopping caring about something that used to be my light and life for a time. I dread the time I’ll get over my current hyperfixation, but I also know it’s inevitable. My ADHD brain needs the change and it happens naturally. And somehow I’m ok with that.

Well, this is it. This is the story of how Tumblr prompted me to discover aspects of myself that have been there for as long as I can remember. What better place to talk about it than Tumblr itself? What better group of people to understand and accept me than my lovely mutuals and followers? If you’re reading this, thank you. For being here, for listening to me, for allowing me to be who I am. You’ve got no idea how happy this makes me, even though I can barely see what I’m typing through the tears. Thank you. 

[thesextheorist]

External Male Genitalia

(Warning: One very shit side diagram of the male genitalia, and one computer generated image showing the difference between a circumcised and uncircumcised penis).

Hello my lovelies,

Sorry for such a long wait, I’ve been struggling with my mental health and motivation in general. However, I’ve had a mini holiday and I feel re-energised. I’m going to set myself a goal of posting a new ‘lesson’, if you will, on this blog every Friday. I just want to say another big thank you to all those who are supporting this blog and are wanting to learn more about your fun parts.

My first two posts were centred around the female genitalia (of which I am very familiar seeing as though I have one). We are now going to give some love to the guys and talk about male genitalia – I have done as much research as I can. Unfortunately with male genitalia it seems to be a case of…what you see is really all you get, externally anyway. I will do my best, but if something does seem off just let me know (remember this is a learning journey for all of us – myself included). Ok without further ado…

Mons Pubis – The area of fatty tissue that covers the pelvic bone, however it is not as prominent on males as it is females.

Onto the actual penis, which is split up into three main sections:

The root – this is internally attached to the wall of your abdomen, and connects the penis to the pelvic bones via ligaments to offer support. Colour coded Green (I’ve included some on the actual penis to help give the idea of how it supports the penis).

The shaft/the body – This is the tube like part of the penis. This is the area that swells with blood due to the three internal chambers which contain spongy erectile tissue (corpus spongiosum) which themselves are filled with thousands of gaps which fill with blood as the male becomes aroused. When the penis becomes erect, it lengthens and thickens, shifting positions as it lifts towards the abdomen – where the rather cringy term ‘standing to attention’ is aptly applied. Colour coded Orange.

The glans – this is the ‘blub’ or head at the very end of the penis, which can be covered with foreskin. There is the urethral opening at the end of the penis where both urine and semen are expelled from the body. Yes men only have ‘one hole’ and both urine and semen are expelled from the urethra. However, internal reproductive organs block off the ability to expel urine from the urethra when the penis is erect. The glans is also filled with thousands of nerve endings (4000 to be exact), meaning if you want a reaction – give it some special attention, don’t neglect the other areas, but this is the external pleasure centre. Colour coded Red.

Foreskin – This is a sheath of skin that is attached to the head/glans of the penis when males are born. It helps to keep the glans lubricated, mainly in older males. It is fully attached to the glans in these early days, meaning it can’t be pulled back. It starts to separate around age 2 but it can start partially detaching later in life. No matter what age you are, please for the love of God do not try to pull your foreskin back further than it will naturally go – you will hurt yourself. If you have foreskin it is important to gently pull it back and wash under it, if not a cheesy like substance delightfully known as ‘smegma’ can build up and potentially lead to infections. The foreskin can also be removed at a young age for religious beliefs. The removal of the foreskin is known as circumcision. There are also different forms of circumcision for different religions, but I am not qualified to talk about them. If anyone belonging to a religion that practices circumcision and the belief behind it would like to share their story please feel free (I will anonymise you of course and please do not post your experience unless you are 18+). Colour coded Red. There is an image below which shows the difference between a circumcised penis and a non-circumcised penis.  

Scrotum - The scrotum is the sac located behind the penis; it is literally a sack of skin to hold the testicles. There is a left and right testicle, and like female breasts they are rarely symmetrical – if there is one thing to learn about nature is that she hates symmetry with a passion. In fact, one side of the human body is bigger than the other. Anyway back to balls. The purpose of the scrotum is to hold the testes which produce sperm and hold them until ejaculation (the physical effect of an orgasm). Hormones, such as testosterone (clues in the name) are produced here. Testosterone is the main sex hormone found in males, it plays a key role in the maturing of the male during puberty – focusing mainly on the sex organs, secondly on bone mass, muscle and body hair. In some cases a male may be born with one testicle. This is normal, but I would always advise that you check with your doctors if you are worried about something (I’ll share a story about my asymmetrical tits and the doctors at the end to make you guys and gals feel better). Others may lose a testicle to a medical issue – remember all bodies are different and there is beauty in our imperfections. Colour coded Blue.

Perineum – Which is also eloquently referred to as the ‘Gooch’, which is located behind the balls and before the anus – it’s in-between the two. Much like on the female, the perineum can vary in size, between 1 – 2+ inches. It can also be stimulated during sex, again, just be careful. (see my second post on female genitalia for reference).

Right story time:

So I’m telling you all this to help with my own body confidence and to help anyone who may be going through the same thing either with their tits or balls, or anyone who may be struggling with body image in general. So during puberty my tits started growing in fairly even, until my left decided to be a bitch and outgrow the other. And this isn’t a ‘little’ difference – it is incredibly noticeable, and I have to wear special shaping and compacting bras to help with my shape and make it less noticeable. Now a lot of things can affect this, diet, hormones and genetics being some. I went to the doctors for two reasons, one to check that there were not any underlying health problems such as breast cancer. Thankfully that was a negative, but I still make sure to regularly check my breasts in the bath to be sure (I’ll include a post on this too). Two, to see if anything could be done to even them out, but the NHS said no as it wasn’t a real medical concern (which to be fair, it isn’t a medical concern if there is nothing causing it other than nature hating symmetry). I’m now in my 20s and still suffer with this problem. I’ll be honest with you, I’m self-conscious every day, I’m scared of getting naked and having someone laugh at me. However, at the end of the day, if someone laughs at your body doing something that it can’t control, then they’re a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve your time and you should wait for bigger and better things. No one is lesser because of their body, no matter what it looks like. Coming to terms with your body does take time, it is still taking me time, but talking to your loved ones (or complete strangers on the internet if you’re like me) is the first stepping stone to acceptance.

Alright, that’s a wrap on my external genitalia series! Over the next few weeks I’ll be covering erogenous zones, internal pleasure centres, masturbation, consent and safe sex (not necessarily in that order)! I will cover the reproductive systems at some point, but I will let you know that it is not my main concern as most education systems around the world teach sex ed with the purpose of reproduction. To say sorry for being so late with this post, I will let you guys choose what I next post about, just reply to this post and I’ll tally it up. Your choices are:

1 – Erogenous Zones

2 – Internal Pleasure centres

The runner up will be posted a week after the winner. I’ll stop counting the results on Sunday, 11th July at 9 pm (UK time/GMT +1).

The next post will also be a lot better than this one as I get back into the swing of it. I hope anyway. 

Take care and stay sex positive my lovelies!

-          Love, TheSexTheorist xxx