#i miss thinking and reflecting and dreaming and imagining and all that shit

[pl4n]

clouds

[anniemika]

Lost and Found

Eren Jaeger x Female Reader

Chapter 11: Consequences

Chapter summary: Realizing the damage he’s caused, Eren learns about the life he has missed out on and tries to reflect on his mistakes, with a few bumps accompanying him along the way.

Chapter warnings: explicit language, aggression, mentions of blood

Words: 4.4k

Chapter 1 Chapter 3

…..

That night, Eren couldn't sleep. All he could think about was you and the encounter you two had the day before. Well, not that he spent his time thinking about much else before, but now he found someone else nestled inside his mind.. Lily. He tried to focus on a song he’d been writing for some time, go to the gym, do anything to distract himself. But no matter what he did, his mind kept coming back to the two of you.

When morning came, he realized he couldn't take it anymore. He had to see you again, talk to you, find out if what he’d been wondering about was true. He knew that it was a risk, that you might not want to see him, but he had to try. He couldn’t just go straight to your house, though. He didn’t even know if you lived there anymore.

But anyway, who would tell him anything about you? He was sure that many people were aware of what happened all those years ago, the whole ugliness of it. It wasn’t a big town, and there was no way anyone would tell him any kind of information regarding you. People loved you, and he was sure no one gave jack shit about him.

The only person that could tell him anything was his dad, although he didn’t know if you kept in touch with him after all that had happened. Nevertheless, he was going to ask.

He knew that Grisha was at work at the hospital, but he couldn’t wait a minute longer. He dialed his father’s number while nervously pacing around in his hotel room.

The moment he picked up, Eren was on it, “Hey, dad. Listen, sorry to call you at work, but I need a favor to ask.”

“Okay,” his father said, a little taken aback by the urgency in his son’s voice, “What is it?”

“I saw Y/n yesterday.”

His father went quiet, and Eren knew why. He couldn’t even imagine the shame his dad must’ve felt when it all happened.

“And I know you probably think that I shouldn’t bother her, but I really need to just talk to her. To at least have the chance to apologise properly.”

Grisha stayed silent for a little while. But then, much to Eren’s surpirse, “I think that’s a good idea.”

The younger man furrowed his brows in confusion, not expecting his father to agree so easily, “Really?”

“Yes, really. She owns a flower shop downtown. It’s on Saint John’s street, first corner on the right. It closes around 6p.m.”

Eren couldn’t believe his father was actually supporting him in this. He quickly grabbed a pen and a piece of paper to write the address on it, “Thanks, dad. I really appreciate it.”

“Be gentle with her, Eren. It’s the least you could do. That girl has gone through a lot.”

Eden nodded, even though his father couldn’t see him, “I will, I promise. Thanks again.”

In a flash, he put his phone inside his leather jacket, put his black combat boots on, tied his hair in a messy bun, and went out the door. He knew that it was probably best not to disturb you at work, but how could Eren explain to you that waiting would drive him completely nuts? How could he explain that he’d been waiting for so long, his body wouldn’t allow another minute to pass by without him taking action? His heart pounded like it wanted to jump out of his rib cage as he drove like a complete madman, acting on pure adrenaline. He knew he had to calm down before meeting you, but the emotions he felt were just too strong to hold down.

After he parked his car down the street from the given address, his eyes went to a periwinkle sign a few meters from where he was standing. “Lily’s flowers”, it read in elegant cursive writing, that drew a tiny smile across his face.

Eren couldn't believe he was actually doing this. Facing his past was something so distant before, like a dream that was never going to happen, even though he desperately wanted it too. But now, as he stood outside the shop, there was a glimmer of hope blooming inside his heart.

He took another deep breath and pushed the door open. The sweet scent of roses and lilies filled his senses as he looked around your workplace with awe. The shop was small, but cozy, with colorful bouquets arranged in vases on every surface. The walls, adorned with beautiful floral paintings, added to the ambience of the shop. They were painted in soft pastel shades, providing a soothing backdrop for the vibrant colours of the flowers. It was breathtaking.

And then, behind the counter, arranging a colourful bouquet, were you. Dressed in a simple white tee and a floral apron, you were still too beautiful to be true.

“Good morning, how can I help yo-“, when you brought your head up and saw him standing before you, your mouth fell slack.

"Hi," Eren spoke, his voice low and unsure.

He saw your face go through a few different emotions in the span of seconds, first surprise, then a mix of nervousness and vexation, "What are you doing here?"

Eren took a step closer to you, but he didn't know what to say. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Suddenly, a child’s giggle was heard and Lily appeared from behind you, holding a pretty flower in her hand. She ran in front of the counter, almost bumping into Eren’s leg.

"Mommy, look! It's the man from the grocery store!", the little girl exclaimed, pointing her tiny finger at him.

Eren looked down at her, a knot tying inside his throat. Now that he could really see her up close, it was undeniable. Her brown hair, her eyebrows, her radiant teal eyes.. the signs were all there, "Hi there. Lily was it?”

"Mhm!," she replied with a smile.

Eren knelt down next to her level,

“You’re as pretty as a lily, Lily.”

She let out the cutest little giggle, “That’s what my mom tells me.”

"Lily, honey, why don't you go outside and play for a bit?" You said, visibly trying to compose yourself.

“Okay. Bye.” She waved her hand at Eren, but before she could go, he stopped her.

“Just a second, Lily.” The little girl turned back to him, her eyes wide with curiosity, “How old are you?”

“I'm six and a half, but all my classmates tell me that I look smaller, and that really annoys me!”

Eren’s smile disappeared. Six and a half.. which meant-

“Go on and play, honey.” You pressed on, voice trembling.

Lily nodded and ran outside, leaving Eren alone with you and the silence.

When he rose from his position, his eyes turned to you, and when he saw the way you avoided his gaze, with tears brimming your eyes, he just knew.

"Why are you here, Eren?"

"I...I wanted to see you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately," he said, his voice barely a whisper.

“Oh,” he could hear the lump inside your throat from trying to fight the tears, “how nice of you.”

Eren cautiously moved closer to the counter,

“Do you think we could perhaps.. talk?”

Your hands were shaking, and you just hoped he wasn’t near enough so he could see them.

"Eren.. I really don’t know how you have the nerve to come here after everything.” You always knew that seeing him again would stir up old feelings that you had buried deep down, but this was too much.

Eren felt like he could let the whole world swallow him, "I.. I know."

You shared a look with him. Seeing those eyes again was like diving into a pool of memories, each one flooding back with a force that made your heart ache.

“Y/n, I'm so sorry-”

“No.” You’re quick to silence his attempt, “No, no, you can't do this right now. I'm working.”

“Please, just.. Just give me 2 minutes-”

“Two minutes!?” You raised your voice, hot tears threatening to spill again, “Two minutes.. Is that going to sum up years of.. of-”, the frustration you felt couldn’t be described with words. You were helpless, and at the same time, desperately trying to find the words. You hated how weak you looked right now.

Turning around, you tried to distract yourself by fixing the stems of a few red roses, “You should go.”

Eren didn’t know what to do. On one hand, the last thing he wanted was to upset you this much. On the other.. he needed to ask. If he didn’t do it right now, he’d probably go insane.

“Y/n..”, he said your name cautiously, “Lily.. Is she mine?”

You froze in place. You couldn’t bare to look at his face right now, or you’d probably faint, “What?”

“I'm sorry, I just really need to know. Please.” Eren thought he could go into cardiac arrest soon, “Is she mine?”

Silence fell like a heavy weight, suffocating, as if the air had been sucked out of the room, leaving a vacuum of soundlessness that pressed down on you both.

And then, with your back still turned against him, you spoke quietly, “I think you already know the answer to that.”

Seconds turn into hours, each passing moment feeling like an eternity. It was true. Hearing it from you just cemented it in stone. Lily was his.

Before Eren could open his mouth to say something, a doorbell ring was heard throughout the shop.

“Good morning!” An elderly woman greeted.

“G-good morning!” You swiftly wiped your eyes, before turning and sending a final look his way, “You have a nice day, sir.”

Eren stood there, staring at you helplessly. He knew he had to leave, but god help him, that was the last thing he wanted to do. All he wanted was to just whisk you away and talk, tell you how fucking sorry he was, how much of a piece of shit he was.

But he knew that wasn't possible right now. You were at work, and he knew he’d made it hard enough as it was. He had to go.

With a heavy heart, he turned to leave, emotions threatening to overwhelm him as he walked away. When he reached the door, he turned back to steal one last glance of you. You were talking to the older woman, happily showing her different kinds of flowers, like the previous conversation never happened.

The thought of you putting on a brave face and hiding your pain from the world, and him knowing he was the reason for that, made his heart sink with much earned guilt.

…..

Eren replayed your conversation in his mind throughout the whole day.

Over, and over, and over again.

“I think you already know the answer to that.”

He wanted to punch a wall. Or better yet, himself.

He could only imagine the hardships you must’ve gone through, raising a child alone at nineteen years old, while he was touring and drinking and living his life. A life that was definitely not worth living. Not knowing that you were pregnant.. not knowing just how much you needed him. Thinking that leaving you was the best option for you both.

Hatred. That was the feeling Eren felt for himself.

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe you’d realized that Lily didn’t need a person like him in her life. A fucking failure of a person.

Lily…

She was so beautiful. And she looked so much like him, it was insane. But her smile.. her smile was yours. So infectious, it lit up the entire room and filled his heart with warmth. Just like you did.

Eren wondered if you were ever going to smile at him like that again.

He buried his face in his hands as he laid on the uncomfortable hotel mattress. His eyes were hot with tears, and he bit his lip in an attempt to stop a sob from escaping.

What the hell was he going to do?

“Fuck you, Eren.” He cursed audibly. He needed someone to scream at him, and he needed that person to be you. He wanted you to let out all the anger and frustration he knew you were feeling towards him. He longed to hear you yell at him, to let him know just how much he had hurt you. The need to take it all in was enormous, to feel the weight of his mistakes and the suffering he had caused. Knowing it wouldn’t be easy, he was ready to face it all if it meant that there was a slight chance he could still make things right with you and Lily.

The beeping of his phone interrupted his thoughts, and he reluctantly pulled his attention away from his inner turmoil to check the notification. It was his dad. He was inviting him to dinner.

As much as Eren wanted to get a bottle of whiskey and just drawn himself in his sorrows, he knew he needed to tell Grisha what happened. He needed to tell him that he had a granddaughter, who was living just mere minutes away from him.

As he drove to his father’s house, his mind was spinning with all the possible outcomes of the impending conversation. Would his father be angry? Would he be happy? Would he even believe him? Or.. did he know already? No. He would’ve told him. There was no way he would keep that kind of information from him.

As he came closer to his old home, his anxiety only grew, but he knew that he had to push it through.

Finally, when he saw the white picket fence his father and him painted all those years ago, he inhaled deeply, and walked to the front door. Before he could knock, his father had already opened it.

“Eren,” Grisha said, a little surprised, “that was fast.”

Eren clenched his sweaty palms, “Dad, we need to talk.”

His father nodded, “We sure do.”

…..

“Made your mother’s favourite,” Grisha told his son while holding a ceramic dish with his oven mittens, positioning it at the center of the dining table. But that comment fell on deaf ears. Eren’s foot was bouncing nervously under the table, while his mind was preoccupied with how best to serve the news. With the intent to calm his nerves down, he tried to focus on the present moment.

“That looks delicious, dad.” He said, trying to sound casual, “Thanks.”

Grisha gave his son a small smile, but he could tell that something had happened today. It was written all over his face.

After plating the food, his father finally took a seat. He then positioned both elbows on the table, looking Eren straight in the eyes.

“So.. how’d it go?”

This was it. He had to tell him now.

Eren fixed his posture before clearing his throat, “Dad, I.. I have something to tell you.”

Grisha didn’t speak, hiding the lower part of his face in his hands.

“Y/n, she.. she has a kid. I suppose you already know that. I met her today.” His fingers were trembling, “Dad, that kid.. she’s mine. That’s-“, he cleared his throat again, already fighting back tears, “That’s my daughter.”

The older man’s face was unreadable, which made Eren’s heart pump even more rapidly. Bracing himself for his reaction, he watched as the older man lowered his hands, revealing an impassive expression.

“She has your mother’s eyes, don’t you think?”

The words sank in the younger man’s years, but his mind couldn’t grasp them.

And then, it dawned on him.

“Wait-“, his mouth became dry, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

His father turned his eyes on the meal in front of him, mixing it around with his fork.

“So.. you knew.” Eren’s disappointment was painted all over his face and voice.

After taking a bite of his food, Grisha looked up at his son, “Of course I knew.”

Eren’s confusion bubbled up like a boiling pot of water that was dangerously close from spilling. He couldn’t fathom how his father wouldn’t tell him as soon as he first saw him. As if there was anything more important than telling him he had a whole kid.

“Why.. why the hell didn’t you tell me?” His voice raised with every word.

“Do not curse at me, boy.” Grisha’s tone turned stern as he laid his fork beside his meal, his dark eyes fixed on his son, “You think we didn’t try to tell you? You think we didn’t blow your phone up? Guess what, you never picked up. And then,”, his voice grew quiet, “when she was born, I drove to one of your concerts. Nobody believed I was your father, but I somehow managed to persuade one of the bouncers to let me see you.”

Eren’s heart skipped beat after beat, failing to remember any of what his father was telling him.

“You told me to go away. I don’t think you could even comprehend what I was telling you. I don’t know what you were on.. but the guy I saw in that dressing room wasn’t my son.” The finality of Grisha’s words felt like a knife being stabbed inside his son’s heart, “Lily deserved better than that guy.”

The shame Eren felt was overwhelming. The need to let his anger out was so immense, his whole body began to shake. Without saying another word, he stormed out of the dining room, grabbed his keys, and left the house.

When he got inside his car, his fist repeatedly slammed against the stirring wheel.

“Fuck!”

After all this, he knew what he needed. A drink, and he needed it bad.

…..

The building of the old bar was aged and weathered, with a peeling paint and a faded sign that read “The Dusty Boot”. The windows were grimy and the door creaked as Eren pushed it open.

Inside, the room was dimly lit, and smelled of stale beer and cigarettes. The walls were lined with old photographs and memorabilia from the town’s glory days, while the bar itself was made of dark wood and looked scarred from years of use.

Still, it felt like home.

Eren sat down on one of the stools, the weight of today’s emotions pressing down on him hard. His head hurt, and he was tired, more tired than spending a whole day on stage. The bartender, an old man with a bushy white beard he remembered from years ago, approached him.

“What can I get ya, son?” He asked while his hands were busy wiping a pint glass with a cloth.

“Just a beer.”

The old man nodded and pulled out a cold bottle of beer from the fridge. He popped the cap off and placed it in front of Eren, “Tough day?”

Nodding once, he took a sip of the cold liquid. The man seemed to understand, so he just continued cleaning glasses, occasionally glancing over at him. The bar was quiet, with only a few patrons scattered around the room. Hushed old country music played in the background, adding to the calm atmosphere.

Eren drank beer after beer, trying to rid himself of some of the guilt he felt, even if only for a little bit. After a few rounds, he understood that it was a task impossible. His thoughts were like little needles prickling at his heart and brain, and the alcohol he consumed only seemed to magnify them.

He thought.. He though about so many things, and they all concerned you. He wondered about what had gone on right after he left you. How alone you must’ve felt, how betrayed. He thought about his dad, and how helpless he must’ve been, knowing you were suffering because of his son. He cursed himself inwardly for storming off earlier, but had he stayed, he would’ve probably said things he didn’t mean. Let anger out that wasn’t directed at anyone else but himself. Anger that only he deserved.

“Hey, aren’t you the singer from that band?” The bartender asked after some time, pulling Eren from his somber thoughts. Great. That was all he needed right now. Usually, he didn’t mind people asking him about his career, but tonight he was hoping to stay unbothered. “Yes you are. Eren Jaeger, was it?” The old man continued, “Grisha Jaeger’s son. Been a long time since I’ve seen you hang around here.”

“Been a long time since I’ve been home.” Eren replied, keeping his tone neutral.

“My daughter, she’s sixteen-“, the bartender continued, much to Eren’s dismay, “she’s a big fan of yours. She’d be so stoked if she knew you were here.”

Eren managed a small smile. “That’s nice to hear.”

“Hey, uh..”, the man reluctantly began, catching onto Eren’s reluctance to talk about his fame, “do you think maybe you could sign an autograph for her? If it’s not much trouble.”

Eren hesitated for a moment, but before he could agree, a voice was heard from somewhere behind him, “Now, are you sure your daughter needs an autograph from a man like him, chief?”

Eren became rooted in place as he recognised the voice of the man who was now standing inches beside him. A man with whom he once shared a friendship.

“Well, well”, there was amusement, but also hostility in his tone, “look what the cat dragged in.”

Eren swallowed another sip of his beer, then, without having much option, turned to inspect the man the voice belonged to.

Jean Kirstein. He was different than Eren’s last memories. Tall as ever, his ashy-brown hair was now slicked back and at his nape. He had a bit of a goatee, but still the same annoying smirk that Eren remembered all too well. It was a smirk that conveyed both confidence and arrogance, as if he knew something that Eren didn’t.

“Jean,” the green-eyed man nodded in greeting before turning back to his drink.

“Eren. Long time no see.” Jean sat on the stool next to him, ordering a drink of his own. “I heard you’d come back a few days ago.”

“Yeah?” Eren kept his tone casual, but guarded.

“It’s a small town. Didn’t believe it at first.” He could see Jean take a swig of his drink with the corner of his eye, “I thought “What would the great Eren Jaeger be caught doing in a place like this?” A place he so desperately wanted to run away from.”

Eren’s grip on his beer tightened, body tensing. Despite all the alcohol in his system, he managed to keep his cool, replying curtly, “I came back for personal reasons.”

Jean raised an eyebrow, ““Personal reasons?”” A patronising laugh filled the space between them, “That’s not like you. You always seemed to be running away from something.”

At that sentence, Eren shot him a sharp look. His nerves were already heightened enough today, “I’m not running away from anything.”

“Sure you’re not.” Jean brought his glass to his mouth before saying, “There probably isn’t a pregnant girl to run away from now.”

It happened in a second. Eren’s fists curled around Jean’s shirt, his stool on the ground.

His emerald eyes blazed with fury as he pulled Jean towards him, their faces inches apart. "Don't you fucking dare," he growled, "You have no idea what you're talking about."

“Hey, hey, now calm down boys!” The old barman shouted, bringing his hands in the air, “This ain’t no place for this.”

Jean's smirk disappeared as he registered the intensity in Eren's eyes. He tried to push him away, but his grip was too strong. "Let go of me, Jaeger.”

Eren's grip tightened even more, his knuckles turning white. "You don't get to bring her up like that," he gritted through his teeth.

“Oh, did you finally remember she existed?”

The final button had been pushed. Eren’s fist landed on Jean’s face with a loud thud, causing him to stumble backwards and fall off his stool. The other men in the bar gasped and murmured, some of them getting up to leave, others standing to get a better look at what was happening.

The barman rushed over to the two men, trying to separate them. "That's enough, boys! Take it outside if you have to, but not in here!"

Eren was heaving with anger, anger so radiant, it was like steam coming off of his body. His eyes were still fixed on Jean, who was now holding his bleeding nose. For a moment, the two men just glared at each other, until the taller one stood up from the ground, trying to regain his composure. Straightening his collar, he looked at the blood on his hand, a provoking smirk crossing his lips.

“You can still pack a punch, I’ll give you that.”

“Okay, you go now, come on.” The bartender tapped Eren on the shoulder, “we don’t condone that kind of behavior around here.”

“It’s alright, chief,” Jean put his hand in the air as a sign of protest, “It was my fault. I’ll be the one to leave.”

Eren’s fists were clenched so hard, his veins were visible. His head was spinning from the mix of the alcohol and the adrenaline the whole encounter brought. As he watched Jean pull out his wallet to pay for his drink, he tried to calm himself down by taking a deep breath and unclenching his fists.

“Oh.. one more thing.”

Sharp pain was felt throughout his whole left side, most notably in his eye. Eren hit the ground, his hand flying to his temple, which was now throbbing uncontrollably. His vision was blurry, the pain quickly traveling to his whole head.

“That was for her, you piece of shit.” Jean spat before he turned around to leave.

Eren tried to get up, but the pain was too severe, and the beers he’d drunk didn’t make it any easier.

It became all blurry after that. The last thing he heard were the bartender’s and his father’s muffled voices, and then a car engine starting.

But the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes.. was Lily.

And you.

And as much of a drunken fool as he was, that night, he still fell asleep with a smile on his face.

…..

A/N: Hi🥹 I can’t express to you how happy I am that there is interest in this story. This chapter was a little tough to write and I hope I did it justice as much as I could. I’m going to try and post a chapter every week or two, so stay tuned!

Ps: if you want to be tagged, just say so<3 reblogs are deeply appreciated.

Tag list:

@vlsquuu @love-is-sick @shima707 @6sakusa @p4lli @intimacywithcelestine @docufanfic @jaegersdiary @xcelestina @fvckingeetar @theforest @roronoazorosbxtchh @hannaburnout

[blackstarchanx3new]

FSR rambles 18 dreams about being gannon

Direct parallels to Gannon/OOT.

Sweet time to mention Shadow can play the piano haha. I have a plan for a comic on HOW he learned but that's a later date type thing.

HERO OF TIME HIIIIIII. 💖 Also Naavi.

He's here to murder shadow. Noice.

Seems like Shadow's just getting haunted by this guy considering his appearance earlier in the comic in page 290 -

Seems like Hero of Time just isn't a fan of him or smth. XDDD

Ouch. That looked like it hurt.

Also hi who are you.

Also considering I know who you are...Why are your eyes Blue buddy? :D

"Aw shit. I got sliced"

"Also I'm younger"

Ah dream logic.

Hi Perry-

I mean uhhh

Totally mysterious purple clad hero.

This is a character from the planned sequel of FSR. and I can't speak much about him. You'd know a decent amount about him if you've seen the FSRA posts.

Also his eyes changed...Again...

When I dream I have nothing but nightmares too shadow. Smh.

Oh Hi Link. Why are you wearing white and black. Basically the reverse of Dark Link's fit? Not weird at aaaaall considering that wasn't what he was wearing before he pulled the sword...

It's been around for awhile NOW but Shadow's hair changing to have a red streak...much like a certain gerudo man we know isn't odd at ALLLLLL.

Also nice Malice eyes Shadow.

Yeah I'm sure the magic demonic 8 ball will have the answers you seek Shadow.

Considering the Gannon flashbacks we just saw...Who's "him" Dark? Because Dark could just as easily be talking about Vaati here. But really it's up in the air on who he meant exactly.

Dark keeping his horns from his vaati convo and it appearing on his human ish form was a fun detail to add.

Random note to think about: Dark had to put himself back in Shadow's hat after sneaking off to vaati's house and that imagery is funny so I'm sharing it with you.

Dark's hair is still vaati colored as well and his behavior is reflecting him still.

Link talking about food and sleeping is just about the most link thing ever so Dark gives absolutely no shits about it.

Haha you should have chosen your words more wisely shadow...

It ALMOST sounds like you don't WANT Link here...which Dark can pick up on pal-

Oh shit. You repeated it you meant it.

Yeah don't shout Link could wake up.

Dark kinda SORTA seems to know what's happening...

But he's using "I think" and uncertain language. (You know he's not sure of smth if he's using phrasing like that hah. Since he's usually so self assured in his assumptions.)

Lol ignore how often my dumbass forgot to keep Shadow's hair right. Mistakes happen. 😅

Hey Shadow, abusing the nutcase isn't gonna get you very far.

Especially because he hates your guts.

Dark's kinda right here tho. Shadow's being selfish as hell rn.

The phrase "Does the word "HERO" just have no meaning to you? You disgust me" specifically gets a chuckle out of me considering who's mouth it's coming out of.

Dark continues to miss identify Shadow as Gannon when he said "you're as old as time" (More of a reference to demise depending on how you look at it but same diff)

Dark sweating visibly showing he's still very much scared of Shadow.

Shadow pulled his head out of his ass for a second and realized Dark's acting weird. (Like Vaati)

Dark's instant snap back is amusing but also sad. Like. Shadow doesn't "know him" not in any meaningful way. But he does yield and admit he was looking at memories for... YEARS in the head space.

Which is just a level of horror beyond comprehension.

Imagine spending YEARS looking at other people's memories just to get yanked out of it randomly by mr root of all evil himself bitching at you about smth you don't even know about, some guy you had a single conversation with YEARS AGO. But oh yeah. It's only been maybe 8 hours in the real world and all perception of time and reality was thrown off and you're being accused of being a different person after all that shit.

To say Dark Link isn't having a fun or good time would be an understatement.

I touched on it in a fic where Link and Dark bang of all places but Dark's existence is an existential nightmare.

Dark Link's EXISTANCE isn't fun for him. He's gonna mention it later too but he's MISSERABLE and vocal about his misery and pain just being alive.

Something weird to think about: Who's memories was he even looking at?

Really from his vague description it could be ANYONE.

I personally like to think it's vaati's considering he still has his hair shifted to be vaati's tone, is acting like vaati and mentions shadow being "Annoying"

though Link and vio are high possibilities too haha.

A mix of all of them aren't off base either.

Identity crisis how fun...Dark struggling to separate himself from the memories he's witnessed is concerning to say the least.

At least he's willing to be helpful with what he thinks is going on.

Really he could have just said "Fuck off figure it out yourself" but he offers to try and explain shit to Shadow from his perspective.

Dark's openness to cooperate despite everything is smth noteworthy.

He has literally no reason to do shit like this (Even if it fails) ESPECIALLY considering his distaste for Shadow. He just does shit that's helpful or nice cause he can.

Just little characterizations that Dark Link is more like Link than you'd first think considering his introduction.

Also OOT reference again with Ganon entering the sacred realm to steal the Triforce of power.

The second Shadow mentions them splitting is a relief, Dark cosplays Vio. XDDDD

Even Shadow thinks that was Vio like haha.

Dark's avoiding Link is the funniest part of this. "Oh shit he's waking up, gotta run. Don't wanna talk to him." XDDD

Don't do it Shadow.

It's a terrible idea.

Last time Link was here he was wanting to off himself so he might not be the most mentally sound individual!

Also who's happy to be woken up...

Dark Link being the voice of reason here about the pros and cons to waking Link up or even listening to him haha.

Considering what happens HAPPENS, that probs would have happened REGUARDLESS of if he was woken up or not. The change really is down to whether or not Shadow would A. Even be around for it. B. Be the one to wake Link up and have that burden on his mind or C. Just let shit happen.

Shadow is putting a ton of pressure on Dark to give answers or be helpful AND CORRECT but like...dude Dark doesn't know, he's guessing too lmfao.

Shadow makes what I consider a very foolish choice which was waking Link up.

Dark held back the explosion aspect but he is here to have fun first so uhhhh...Well he DID say it'd be funny to him and not Shadow.

Shadow defaults to blaming Dark Link "Damn demon" which...Shadow learn some accountability.

Panel by panel breakdown cause stuffs getting jucy:

1- Interesting outfit choice Link. It's the one he wore when he was a bit younger. So he's got a younger mindset when waking up. Which is just sad.

2- his outfit changes to half blue half green with a purple sleeve, his hands are all sorts of wrong and mish mashed with red and purple nails. His eyes also have the wrong color. His body is distorting all over the place...Interesting.

3- Shadow you shouldn't have said anything. The coward's hiding too lmfao he knows he fucked up.

4- Safe to say he's not very happy.

Link's distorting and glitching is based on video game glitches. Which is fun because: LOZ is a video game.

There's something distinctly haunting and uncanny about buggy/glitchy game assets and I wanted to capture it here.

Like the reality of four people being forced into one body is quite horrifying and the idea of them just bugging out unable to process how many thoughts there are is overwhelming. Literally like overloading a computer or gaming system.

There's also something to be said about how he fully breaks after seeing Shadow Link.

This is brought up later so I'll expand upon it later but the fact literally the only words Shadow Link spoke to LINK was "I'm the hero Link" or smth like that is hysterical.

For living together for 7 years: They truly don't know each other well on a personal level considering their ability to communicate was stunted by Shadow being...Well a Shadow. And I wanna explore that more as the series goes on.

1- Lol Green hi thanks for trying to stay calm.

2- Vio's here too. Something tells me calming down isn't working considering your face is cracking more and the tunic is flashing different colors.

3- Shadow I swear to god, shut your mouth-

4- Yeaaaaaah we saw that coming. Ouch looks painful. Good thing that body is magic hahaha.

Link's just not having a good time at all. XD

I think a few people caught this but Link breaking down here was based on the forced gem fusions in SU also the distorted static version of the cartoons from learning with pibby XD

It was good inspo for how horrific this scenario is.

Really all of them are just kinda, shoved in there. Unable to truly escape and they're NOT HAPPY about it.

Blue specifically is trying to get out as we'll know later and we get more context on his thoughts about this ordeal from the Darkblue chapter... But visually you can see Link's got two faces and it remains consistent that that's Blue.

Which, is terrifying.

There's also the underlying horror that the "Why" Link is back in one body isn't truly addressed but we'll get more into that later.

Shadow running for his damn life haha.

I'd be scared too if that mess was crawling at me.

The sad thing is that Link's reaching out for help and Shadow responds by screaming in terror lmfao.

Cause Link seems monstruous at the moment but the reality of the situation is he's very clearly conscious and scared. He's reaching out to the only person he can, which is Shadow.

I think this might be my favorite design of Link in this state. It's just horrific to look at. The eyes bleeding onto both his faces which are cracked like mirrors so you can't tell what he's looking at. He has Vio and Blue's legs sticking out of his back, and entire extra head forcing its way off his main one, it's hard to tell from these but his skin is glitching in both Red and Blue's separate skin tones (Blue's being a bit darker and Red's being lighter)

His tunic is pitch black which, black absorbs all wavelengths of light and reflects none...Literally keeping it trapped haha.

Yeah. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

Anyway, Link/Green, Vio and red are all reaching out to shadow but blue is suspiciously absent haha.

Them grabbing onto Shadow is smth Vio would do...

The four sword's lil gem thingy is glitched to shit too. Each colored piece being a different size. Green's is noticeably larger while Blue and Red's are about the same size. Vio's is the smallest.

Shadow's hat is doing that thing Dark does when he's upset where it clings to his body.

Yeah feeling like you can't do anything would be a feeling you fall into frequently being trapped as a shadow.

Take that agency back Shadow it's been robbed from you for too long.

Blue: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!!!

Jokes aside I love this moment. Link getting more stable as he keeps Shadow close to him is sweet.

Link just needed a hug. UwU

Or...Less cute option: Maybe...The triforce of power had something to do with it...

Link/Red crying immediately when Shadow says a single word lmfao.

Link's so pretty I love him. I'm glad he's back a bit.

"Shadow, stop talking." could apply to everything he says to link as of rn. XD

Link's still very much emotionally distressed and I'd be too after THAT SHIT SHOW.

I do think it's funny how Link is wearing black here and Shadow is wearing white. (It's just his usual underclothes without his tunic)

Yes shut up and please just hug him it's clearly what he needs rn Shadow. X'D

Perfect cut off point lmfao.

[elizabarnes]

Hiiii

Okay but like...imagine you notice weird things going on around your apartment...things go missing, stuff is moved, little things like that, but you don't think much of it. But then imagine you wake up one night to a noise and you see this tall figure standing at the end of your bed going through things on your vanity. The figure hears you and turns around before pinning you down with his large hand clamped around your mouth. (I can't decide if you should know Ted or not so you can decide that). He ends up fucking you, lots of "I've been waiting for this for so long." "I'm gonna make you so happy." "All mine now." "My little dolly". You know, cute shit like that. (Also IDK how you'd want to incorporate this but i'm also like imagining that scene in The Boy where the dude has the girls dress and like recreated her on his bed?) Anyway, name of Jesus Christ, Amen

I’m gonna do what I did in Stalker and make reader a fan but she isn’t an insomniac??? Howwww???

“Wait, how did you get in?”

Ted Nivison x afab!reader

MDNI I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN

You are having a normal day, taking a shower at 9, doing skincare, going back into your room, and watching Ted Nivison’s videos on your laptop until 11 then going to sleep. You wake up from a nice dream a sex dream at about 4 or 5 am. You look ahead of you and see a tall figure rummaging through your stuff. “Wha-“ You start but you're too tired to finish your sentence. It could just be a delusion, right? “Hello, sweetheart.” You hear come from the tall man. He sounds like Ted Nivison.. You think. “Are you Ted Nivison?” You ask, being too sleepy to even care. “Why don’t you find out?” He chuckles softly as he comes closer to you. You can see the reflection from the window off his glasses and your eyes widen. “The fuck? Why are you in my house?” “I didn’t expect you to say that.” “Then what did you expect?” You rub your eye tiredly. “Well, I expected you to have a fangirl moment. You do have pictures of me everywhere.” He says as he opens his arms as if offering a hug. In his right hand, you see him holding a pair of your lacy panties that your friend had bought you for your 18th birthday. Ted crawls into your bed and pins you down as if you were going to try and run. Like, dude? You’re too tired, duh. You wake up a little more and realize the situation more. “If I fall asleep you can continue whatever you started.” You say to him as a smirk appears on his face. “Whatever you say, princess.” He says as he nips at your neck. You put your hands under his shirt and pull it over his head, discarding it to the floor. He does the same to your shirt and starts to nip at the new bare skin. A couple of whines leave your mouth which motivates him to leave marks. What feels like only a few seconds pass and both of you are naked, he’s lying on his back as you look at him with tired, almost innocent eyes. His large hand cups your cheek and his thumb rubs the skin there. You lean into his touch, almost falling asleep. “Stay with me, darling.” He whispers. “Mm..” You mumble out as his hands move to your hips, he then flips you around so you’re on your back underneath him. He puts the tip to your entrance and slowly pushes forward, loving the way you whimper at the pleasure. He pushes all the way in in one swift movement making you let out a whine. “Fuck- so tight..” Ted groans out. “T-Teddy- please-“ You whine out as he starts slow thrusts, letting out groans of your name or how wet you are. “Been waiting for this for so long, gonna make you so much more happy than that last douche- fuck.” He says as his thrusts pick up pace and your moans grow louder. “Fuck!- S-so close- please, Teddy!” You moan out, you definitely weren’t falling back asleep now. “Fuck- gonna cum!” You let out an almost pornographic moan making Ted’s eyes widen and lips part slightly. “Cum for me, darling.” He says into your ear as you clench down on him, cumming on his cock. This throws him over the edge and he cums inside you, pulling out and moving down to your cunt that’s leaking with yours and his mixed cum. “My little dolly now, mine too play with whenever I want.” He mumbles as he licks a stripe up your clit before sucking on it, moans leaving your mouth as your hands meet his hair, you feel two of his huge fingers enter you, even louder moans coming out of your mouth now. “Fuck- Ted!” He looks up at you and the sight almost makes you cum on the spot. His fingers go quick inside you drawing loud moans and whimpers from your mouth. You cum on his fingers and he works you through it before pulling his fingers out of you and sucking your cum off, lapping up any last bit he didn’t get. He gets up and walks into your bathroom, getting a rag and cleaning the two of you up. He then goes over to your dresser and pulls out some clean clothes for you and getting in his bag for his own clothes- was he planning this? He walks back over to you and helps you get dressed and then he’s dressed himself. He crawls into bed beside you and pulls you into him. “I love you, Y/n.” “I love you too, Teddy.” You close your eyes to go to sleep. “Wait- how did you get in?”

[lollytea]

in love with the fact the Halloween costumes haven't left (and Hunter's still in his wolf shirt). you'd think the crew would have them change into clothes more tonally appropriate for trying to stop the end of the world and having breakdowns and emotional conversations and personal revelations and catharsis but NOPE. sometimes scary/important shit happens when you are unprepared and aren't dressed for the occasion and you gotta deal with it!! unironically love that. they're KIDS, MAN!

I am so grateful honestly because their costumes fucking SLAP!!! Not an ugly fit in sight. And you're right, it really emphasises just how young and carefree they really are. Just a bunch of silly kids who who were torn away from their silly Halloween party and unexpectedly thrown into this madness.

Because I'm Like This, I've also been thinking a lot about the symbolism of their outfits since TTT aired. I'm probably reaching and none of this was unintentional but it's still fun to think about.

Gus, dressed as Captain Avery, the protagonist of the awesome Human Realm book that helped him cope with missing his Dad. The book with the line "We'll find a way back. We have to." A line that apparently stuck with Gus enough that he immediately made the connection once Hunter said it. I like to think the resilient hopeful tone of Cosmic Frontier was something that helped Gus keep his spirits up.

Not to mention that it's Sci-Fi, something that is so distinctively human. Gus, the boy who has defined himself as a passionate human enthusiast, whose dream is to become an ambassador to their Realm, is gonna shine in the final episode wearing a symbol of all his enduring optimism and passion and imagination.

Willow is a peculiar case. She is, ironically, a girl who was once considered half a witch now wearing a big loud declaration that she is, in fact, a witch in full. And then some!! It's not in the same vein that Luz and Amity are dressed as magic girl-esque witches. Willow's got the whole ooky spooky cackling and spiderwebs kinda witch vibe. Well, to be specific, it's a bit of a witch/devil hybrid.

Like let's get it out of the way, she looks like Evelyn. The stripey tights, the jagged skirt, the fact that her costume was originally meant to be red, just like the witchy cutout that hung above them during the hayride. Although only the last episode will tell if anything is gonna come from this. Maybe it's just a coincidence. But I think it's very interesting that she's dressed as a stereotypical reflection of how the Human Realm views witches/demons. And then there's Belos, a human man who is defined by his black and white perception of witches as the scum of the earth. He believes they're wild, they're evil, they're dangerous, they're monstrous. Which, at first glance, doesn't represent Willow at all. But then FTF happens, and the viewer is reminded that Willow's magic can be unstable. That she can be dangerous. She can be monstrous.

However, there's also that little W patch on her arm, reminding us that she may be a witch but she's also a silly girl named Willow wearing a personalised Halloween costume. She's not defined by being dangerous. She's so much more than that. She's full witch Willow and she's going out with a bang.

Amity is dressed as Hecate, Azura's rival turned friend turned heavily wlw coded best friend (I guess???), which obviously mirrors Amity's own role when the story initially began. There's a bit of significance linked to the Azura books and what they mean to Amity. Namely, from Lost in Language, when her chilly exterior began to crack. Her secret hideaway in the library was discovered, which acts as a representation of the person that she really is, but desperately tries to hide. And, on full display, was the Azura books. She had all but one, which Luz allowed her borrow. The missing piece that set Amity's whole motivation to change into motion.

That book was the tentative olive branch between her and Luz. And, with Luz's influence, it kickstarted her journey into becoming a better person, taking control of her own life, cutting toxic relationships, repairing others, etc. It's possible that Amity wouldn't be the kind and happy girl she is today without the Azura books. So, her diving into the finale while representing those books is very sweet. Also....I love her Hecate outfit. Its SOOOOOO pretty. The boots, the dress, the celestial aesthetic!!! Serve!!!!

I feel like I don't need to go that in depth about the significance of Hunter's costume. We all get it. He discovered Cosmic Frontier when he was struggling to come to terms with his status as a grimwalker, which severely clouded his sense of identity. Hunter not only connected with O'Bailey, but it gave him the opportunity to see a representation of a thing he hated about himself from a more empathetic perspective. Hunter accepted O'Bailey, Hunter loved O'Bailey, Hunter became obsessed with O'Bailey. The book was probably a big stepping stone in accepting himself. Hunter cannot ignore the fact that he's a grimwalker. He can't sweep it under the rug. But he can embrace it. As somebody who is tied to the legacy of Caleb Wittebane against his will, it must be comforting to feel like he can latch on to a cool space hero, rather than an anonymous witch hunter from 400 years ago.

Hunter's sense of identity is very important to his arc. So, the T-shirt is also very fitting. Hunter's gonna have his final confrontation Belos, who constructed him as a doll of someone else, while wearing the wolf T-shirt he personalized himself and a homemade O'Bailey costume. Because his name is Hunter and Hunter loves wolves, sewing and Cosmic Frontier.

And Luz....man. I feel like there's SO MUCH significance to Luz ending this story dressed as the Good Witch Azura and I don't even think I can do it justice. It's like....that's her. Azura means everything to her. It's shaped her into the person she is today. The Good Witch Azura is the reason Luz loves magic. And if Luz didn't love magic, she never would have stayed in the Demon Realm. It brought her closer to Amity. It's what inspired her to read and write and draw and imagine and create. It's an outlet for all her passion for stories. It was the thing that comforted her and brought her genuine hapiness during the darkest point in her entire life. It reminds her just how much Manny loved her. It reminds her just how much she loves Manny.

Luz is a character who is defined by all this relentless love and almost all of it can be linked back to Azura. Fiction, art, magic, family. She's a kid who has endured so much pain but she has such a capacity for appreciating the eccentricities of the world around her. She's full of light.

It's worth noting that Luz began the story having a hard time differentiating fantasy from reality. As such, using the Azura universe as a form of escapism was a little unhealthy. However, that's not the case anymore. Luz has matured into a much wiser person, but that doesn't mean she has to let go of her love for fantasy stories. She's found this perfect balance where she can accept the world as it is, while still being able to indulge in her storybooks in a healthy way. I don't think Azura will ever stop being an important aspect of her life.

Luz is carrying the memory of Manny with her until the finale. She's weird and she has always been loved for being weird and once this is all over, she'll keep being weird and she'll keep being loved for it.

[kitkatt0430]

It's still Sunday here - barely - so here's a Six Sentence Sunday.

First, the sequel to Closer and Closer Still. It's unnamed as of yet and opens with Eobard having run back home after Barry kissed him for the first time (at the end of chapter 1 of Closer and Closer Still). He is freaking out, though Eobard would never admit it.

“I can’t stay. I can’t be a hero. I can’t… I can’t be his.” Eobard’s voice shook at the last words.

It was as though this timeline had twisted into a fun house mirror reflection of the fantasies Eobard had once held, when he was still young, innocent, and naive. He’d imagined finding the Flash and being mentored by him or being his equal. In his more… lonely and amorous moments, he’d dared to dream of the Flash as his lover, older and more experienced. Willing to guide Eobard’s passion in every sense.

Eobard is telling himself, of course, that he can't afford the distraction when his goal is to go back home. But, of course, what does he really have to look forward to go back to? Barry might not have to work as hard as he thinks to give Eobard reasons to want to stay...

I've also started on a show finale Westhallen fix-it - my second fix fic after the Eobard/Savitar crackfic I posted up the other day - where the fic opens with establishing that Barry's in love with Eddie and still feels that way after all these years. So does Iris.

Barry had visited Eddie's grave probably more times than was healthy that first summer after Eddie died.  It was an empty grave, but it had Eddie's name on it and... Barry'd confessed a lot of things he'd been too afraid to say before.

How much he'd admired Eddie.  How much he missed the way Eddie said his name, called him 'Bar' in a way he could now barely stand for anyone to say. How much he'd loved Eddie.  Still loved him even now, all these years after saying the words, finally, to an empty grave.

Barry had told Iris, later.  After they'd moved in together and Iris had been hesitating to put out some of the things that had been Eddie's.  He'd been making a mess of things, before Eddie died.  Because his own feelings had been a mess.  And he'd realized far too late that he was almost as in love with Eddie as he'd already been with Iris.

The first part will probably be a bit Barry & Eddie heavy as they try to figure out a way to deal with the N!SF without Eddie dying or developing the temper issues Eobard and Nora 1.0 suffered from. I want them both there with Iris when Nora 2.0 is born. Then Iris can give Eddie a speech that refutes what she said in canon because S1 Iris loved Eddie - she said screw the future and she meant it. The future she and Barry are going to have together may be something she wants to fight for now, but she wants to fight for Eddie to be a part of that future too.

I may wind up splitting this up into a series, which each part focused on a different aspect of the Westhallen fix-it. And I've got ideas for integrating Eddie into Team Flash - I see Mark not liking Eddie and, oh shit, I'm gonna have to try to write Mark at least somewhat sympathetically aren't I? *swears quietly* I guess I'll figure that out later. Caitlin, at least, will be happy to have Eddie back and alive. After Khione ascends to hang out with the Ancients from Stargate and Caitlin gets her body back, anyway. Though, of course, she's gonna have big feelings about Eddie being back when Ronnie came back but wasn't really Ronnie and Frost died for it. So happy for Eddie, but wary about his N!SF connections too.

[barakittens517]

PT. X: The End

Summary: In which the lost has, at long last, been found.

Words: 2,237

Warnings: n/a

Pairing: Morpheus x gender neutral reader

Notes: holy shit we finally made it :') massive shoutout to anyone that made it this far! hopefully i'll be posting a *refined* version of this on AO3 soon. mucho mucho love to all of you <3

Tag List: @ponyboys-sunsets @i-am-not-a-raccoon-anymore @memento-mora @freedomsofdream

The way back to the Dreaming is silent. Morpheus heads straight for the library, leaving you in the throne room alone. It’s quiet- too quiet. You wait a moment before sneaking in after him. The dream lord doesn’t notice as you duck behind one of the bookshelves, tiptoe-ing quietly towards Lucienne’s desk. 

This is the second time you’ve eavesdropped on Morpheus. You have a quiet moment of reflection for the fact that you have never overheard good news. 

No matter. Once you figure out how the hell to get back to the waking world, you’ll never have to worry about Morpheus or Lucienne or anyone ever again. 

“Ezra may have been a dead end,” Morpheus admits. “The Corinthian is gone, so what power would he have here?” 

Lucienne tilts her head towards his coat pockets. “My lord, he’s not entirely gone.” 

Morpheus pulls the tiny skull from his pocket, holding it at a distance like some scene from Shakespeare. “You cannot be serious.” 

Lucienne nods. “It is the last of him. If you destroy it, you’ll be destroying everything he had an influence on. Including them.” 

“Not all of them,” Morpheus corrects her. You had been taken from the Dreaming, unfinished. You shudder at the thought of being reduced back to what you were. At this rate, you’d be better off destroyed entirely. 

“I think you should speak with them first, my lord. Whatever choice you make will directly affect them, permanently.” 

“I think…”

You miss the rest of their conversation in favor of putting yourself as far from the dream lord as possible. To exist is one thing, but to make him choose between The Corinthian and you?

The answer is obvious. 

You know the dream lord is proud of his creations, and assume destroying The Corinthian was something akin to an unforgivable act. It had been hard enough, watching him crumble to dust in the auditorium. 

There was at least hope, with The Corinthian, that he could be made again- better, stronger, even kinder perhaps. 

But with you? You, with such a cruel joke of purpose, and you’d spent over a hundred years being quite the opposite of a perfect partner. What use is there in starting now? 

You follow the cobblestone path outside of the castle, walking as far as your feet will take you. You take the time to bargain with your conscience- dying is the best you could wish for. It will hurt, but it will be temporary. 

And Morpheus will be better off with someone new. A completely different blueprint, a brand-new dream that will never have known life as a weapon.  

Gods, what a nightmare. You had to give The Corinthian credit, if only a little. You never imagined your purpose being so world-changing. Say you had destroyed Dream of the Endless? What would have happened then? 

You’re so caught up in thought that you don’t even hear Morpheus calling after you. The city is far behind you, and looking down you find yourself standing in a field dotted with pink carnations. 

Fiddler’s Green. 

“Ellis!” Morpheus calls again, and he’s next to you in an instant. “What are you doing out here?” 

“Getting one last good view in, I guess.” 

Morpheus sighs. “It does not have to be the last.” 

“It does. It does, ‘cause I’ll be damned if I make you pick between me and him,” you snap. “It’s not fair.” 

You sit with a huff down in the carnations, folding your knees to your chest. Another magnificent sun is setting over the hills again. 

Morpheus quietly sits next to you, watching as you pluck the nearest carnations to bits. 

After a few minutes, you stop and sit still. “Can I see the book again?” you ask. 

Morpheus pulls the hardcover book from his coat and hands it over. You leaf through the pages once more, looking for your rough draft.

You had hoped to see what you were meant to become- one last look before the end. And there you are, unfinished. The lilies in the column still make your stomach turn. 

Morpheus watches you carefully, quietly. The sunset has cast a rose-gold hue onto everything, and he’s struck by how beautiful you look. His own creation. 

The moment is ruined by the sound of tearing paper. You’re careful to avoid ripping out the other pages, but it isn’t right to have your failed existence in a book of proud accomplishments. 

“There,” you say, handing the book back to Morpheus. He’s speechless. “Now you can start over, right?” 

You’re overwhelmed by a sense of freedom, and of the end. This is it for you, and you should be allowed such an act of bravery. 

“Ellis, that’s not-”

“Start over,” you interrupt. “I’m serious. Make somebody perfect from the start. And maybe don’t leave ‘em unfinished for too long.” 

It’s a joke, but it still stings. If Morpheus had never left, who's to say you wouldn’t have had the perfect life? 

The skull in Morpheus’ pocket feels like it’s burning a hole through his coat. There is so much he wants to say, and so little a chance that you would even listen. You’ve already made up your mind. 

He pulls the trinket out anyways, watching your jaw drop in recognition. Frustrated, you play it off like another joke. “You could even make him your partner.” 

“I want you.” 

The words hang in the air between you, tinged with an endless yearning. Your heart flutters at the thought of what might have been. 

“I can’t stay like this,” you say quietly. 

“Then don’t,” Morpheus replies. His grip tightens on the skull, and a large crack appears to split above the jaw. 

You reach for his arm, panicking when he squeezes even harder. “Dream, cut it out. You’re scaring me.” 

“I do not mean to scare you. This is not a difficult choice for me, Ellis.”

“And what, I don’t get a say in it?”

“You do not have to stay here. But at least let me do this for you.”

“Okay,” you say quietly, releasing your grip on his arm. You sit in silence for a moment, preparing yourself for the worst. “Will it hurt?” you ask. 

He looks at the last piece of the Corinthian for a moment, and the dozens of pressure cracks spider-webbing around the cranium. Before he can answer, you reach for his hand again. 

“I don’t care.” 

You squeeze as hard as you can, and within moments the little skull is crushed to bits of sand. For a moment, nothing happens. You can hear Morpheus holding his breath, waiting. Hoping. Praying, even. 

A faint tingling sensation, like pins and needles, begins prickling up your arms. You look down to see the bones of your forearm revealed, the skin of your hands wisped away to skeletal fingers. Without a mirror, you can only assume the rest of your visage has been reduced to what it was before Ezra Lillin came into your life. 

Empty eye sockets. Flesh stretched taut over your skull. Your left arm is missing in its entirety. For once, you’re afraid to look at the dream lord- not because of what you can do, but because of what you are. 

“Ellis,” you hear him breathe out, finally. 

“Hi.” You’re embarrassed, shockingly, to return to your previous form. You refuse to look away from your hands, refuse to finally meet the eye of the dream lord. 

Morpheus is speechless. Seeing you now is like a hundred years had never passed. Here you are, his soulmate, exactly as he had left you. The rare view of a second chance.

The silence is deafening, for a moment. Morpheus breaks it with a simple question, one you had never once considered. 

“What would you like to be?” he asks. 

Yours, I want to be yours, please- “What am I supposed to be?” your voice is foreign once again, raspy and new. 

Morpheus motions to the shreds of paper in front of you. “I would not know. I never… never got any farther than that,” he answers. 

“That’s okay.” You’re quick to reassure him. “I… I don’t mind. Will it bother you? If I look the same?” 

You could almost swear you hear him breathe a sigh of relief at the thought. “Not at all.” 

He takes the sand from his coat pocket and carefully pours it into his hands, working quickly to form the missing pieces. A sweet breeze floats through Fiddler’s Green, and the sand blows with it, materializing the flesh that covers your bones. You watch in amazement, and within moments you’re almost complete. 

Just missing the eyes. 

“The most important part,” Morpheus comments, and for a moment you’re drawn back to Ezra’s shop, to the Corinthian. He had said the exact same sentiment, albeit for wildly different reasons. 

The dream lord looks around for a moment before picking two morning glories from the path from the field. Carefully, he holds the flowers out to you.

“What do you think?” he asks. 

“Are they going to be purple?” you ask. 

Morpheus laughs, the sound ringing in your ears. “Would you prefer a different color?” 

You shake your head. Internally, you’re ecstatic. “No, they’re perfect.” 

Morpheus nods. He pinches the rest of the sand into the center of the two blooms, balancing them carefully in one palm. “Alright,” he says, “Tilt your head back.” 

You lean back on both arms, looking up to the sunrise setting over Fiddler’s Green. “Like this?” you ask, looking over slightly. 

Morpheus nods, brushing the loose strands of hair away from your face. “Just like that,” he repeats quietly. 

Gently, he places the flowers on each of your empty eye sockets. You would be irritated by the feeling if you weren’t so focused on the dream lord being so close to you. You’re certain he hears the breath hitch in your throat as he leans over. 

He places a hand over your eyes, and for a moment, the world goes black. You’re briefly struck with the thought of something going wrong. 

“I c-can’t see,” you stutter, panicking, and Morpheus takes his hand away, reaching for yours. He gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Still black. 

“Ellis,” you hear him say with a laugh, “You have to open your eyes.”

You turn to him, eyes closed. “That’s it?” you ask incredulously. 

“That’s it.”

You reach for both of his hands, holding them in front of you. His palms are warm and rough. 

“Are you looking at me?” you ask. 

“Ellis,” he says, “Look at me.”

And you do. 

His irises are whirlpools of inky black, dotted with the same galaxies you’ve seen in the night sky of the Dreaming. You still get lost in them, but for once there are no flashes of sin, of regret, or despair. 

Just the god of dreams, looking back at you so lovingly that without a second thought you lean forward, crashing your lips against his. He reaches gently to cup your face, stroking your cheek with his thumb. 

You’re struck with the overwhelming sensation that this is where you are meant to be. You tug his collar to pull him closer, wishing it never had to end.

After a moment, he pulls away slowly, both of you breathless. The nervous butterflies in your stomach are going absolutely haywire, and you can’t help smiling like an idiot. Morpheus has an almost identical look, and if Fiddler’s Green could speak, he would tell you both how absolutely, dumbfoundingly lovestruck you look.

He settles for cultivating the red and yellow daisies that bloom in a small patch between you and the dream lord.   

“Would you like to see them?” Morpheus asks, fabricating a small pocket mirror out of thin air. 

You nod. He clicks the mirror open and hands it to you, watching as you take a deep breath to steel yourself from visibly reacting. 

The morning glories have transformed into deep violet irises, with flecks of a lighter lavender. The edges are ringed in a pale gray. You watch yourself tear up at the sight, at how beautiful they are. 

“Thank you,” you say quietly, closing the mirror as a tear spills down your cheek. Morpheus hesitates for only a moment before brushing it away gently with his thumb. 

“Anything,” he answers, just as quiet, “for you.” 

You’re overcome with a flood of emotion, an outpouring of love and gratitude and fucking relief.

You’re not a weapon anymore. 

You won’t hurt anyone, not even Morpheus. 

Especially Morpheus. 

You wrap your arms around his neck in an embrace, almost falling into his lap when he sits back. You settle in sideways, your head tucked into his chest. He keeps an arm around your waist, his chin resting on the top of your head.

“You are welcome to return to the waking world,” he offers quietly. “Although you will always have a place here, with me.”

You ponder for a moment, what it would be like to have a normal life on the planet. For over a century, it had been the only thing you had wished for, more than anything. 

But you know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is where you belong. Where you have always belonged, close enough to hear your soulmate’s heartbeat. 

“What if I want to stay?” you ask. 

Morpheus pulls you even closer, pressing his lips gently to the top of your head.

“Then stay.”

<3

[dreamingofthedteam]

so i saw the video and im really happy for dream and that he can finally leave this entire thing behind him get it off his shoulders and just go on ahead and post mc content (ALSO YAY MINECRAFT DREAM BACK IN 2024 LETS GOOOOOOOO)

the thing that saddened me the most about this was the doxxing and swatting stuff. like that is a very horrible thing to have to go thru. that shit is not a joke i imagine, living in a country that is notorious for an overpowered police force. and i hope to fucking god that what dream predicted (that this shit is going to get out of the mcyt space and into other yt communities over time) will not turn out to be true. the story about sapnap moving in with him so that he can answer the door to the fucking police while hes live just..its depressing man. and god i hadnt ever even heard of the time he got swatted while george was live that was a fucking jumpscare he must have been so worried

but. also. i think its time for, well me atleast, to self reflect a bit? ig? for context im talking about the end of the video where he restated his boundaries. im not someone who likes to stay in the problematic parts of the internet. i run from drama like its the wildfire from asoiaf. ( i also have caved in and posted abt neg stuff im not denying anything but i try to limit to private posts) and to think that i in any way could be on the wrong side of this all by shipping dnf? it gives me a bit of self doubt, ngl. i dont know if what i do would be classified as "srs shipping" or i would be put into "/srs dnf truther" by others, but i def thought and kinda still think 'oh dnf real' and now i just dont know where i stand..? i definitely need to think on it a bit. also i think i have interacted with nsfw art on this blog before, and goddamit i cant even check coz stupid me didnt even bother to tag properly, but from now on all nsfw art (not that i expect there to be many more) will be properly tagged. and if its not just tell me (idk who even is reading this anymore but whatever). as to dnf posting? idk. ill have to wait and see the general mood on here

and also like, that bit def has left a sour taste in my mouth AND IM NOT SAYING THATS DREAMS FAULT but its just...its tough man. dream having to change his mindset on fan spaces because of all this just saddens me a lot. and him saying that has then changed MY mindset on fandom, especially rpf, as someone whose both primary fandoms are rpf. i hope maybe in the future dream is able to engage on a more positive level and not have to just cut himself off from it entirely (im not sad abt him leaving twitter like, good riddance bitches, but i think i'll just miss a random tweet from him to wake up to)

[oraclekleo]

Kleo you're the only blog i found who celebrates getting older & becoming mature. You always mentioned your age without any shame. No cutting back a few years to seem "younger". Society really demonized getting older when in reality, it's so much better than being a teenager.

I'm not naive anymore. I can control my emotion. I'm calmer. I earn money. I don't involve myself in useless fight like fandom fights 💀

These are are not even half the benefit of getting older. As for health, your 30s is not 70s lol. We're fine.

-LS

Hello!

😂

Honestly, I still feel like a child even in my 30s. I know I haven't figured everything out, I still struggle to properly adult but yes, just like you say, 30s are great!

I mean, in your 30s you don't really go to school or university so you basically only learn what you are genuinely interested in or when it's for your career and you get paid for improving your qualification instead of getting meaningless marks. In your 30s, you know you don't need to impress anyone because same as you, they don't care whether your handbag is Prada or reusable cotton shoulder bag you bought in Tesco 5 years ago to carry your groceries home. Unless you actually have some conditions, your hormones and periods are pretty much settled down and you can predict your mood swings based on your cycle and give warnings to those of concern. In your 30s, you usually know what you want and don't want in life - I know I don't want husband and children and I knew it in my 20s but only after reaching magical 30 people started to take me seriously. And that's another thing - people actually listen to you and respect your values and opinions in your 30s. Finally you have the authority to actually completely decide about your life. Yes, people might critisise your decisions but the great thing is that you don't have to care about their opinion because you're pretty much well established on your own and if they keep bitching about something you can easily tell bye bye to them.

Yes, I have back pains, I need regular sleep schedule, I can't spend a day eating fastfood or my internal organs will let me know very clearly I made a mistake while in my teens I could live on chips and fizzy drinks for a week and still feel at the top of my game. But honestly, these are actually good things. Back pains motivate me to stretch and exercise. Regular sleeping shedule is healthy and really, really great. If you never had a regular sleeping schedule, you have no idea what utter bliss you are missing. And the fact I need to eat nutritious and balanced meals in order to feel good is also pretty ace.

I love being on my 30s. And quite frankly I'm looking forward to my 40s. If I'm smart now, I might be able to actually achieve some of big dreams that seem unreachable now but might be much accessible when in my 40s. I actually like growing old.

And to all those who think they know how world spins in their teen years - YOU HAVE NO IDEA! Don't you dare shaming people older than you. We have been through shit you can't even imagine. I didn't have internet when I was your age. We had to go to libraries and read or at least browse through actuall thick books for hours to find a little piece of information you can Google in 2 seconds. I miss spending hours in library now... I should spoil myself with a library day sometimes... 😏 Because I have a nice job and so many days of paid vacation that I can just randomly decide to spend a day in a library! And that's what you get in your 30s... Plus a nice salary to spoil yourself even more. 😂

So yeah! Thank you for celebrating 30s with me, dear! 💜💜💜💜

'We rock!' we whisper to our mirror reflection before moisturizing and going sleep at 9 pm. 🤣

Kleo 🦄

[blackbutlerbitch23]

💖Now that I have some followers who cannot escape my feed and are forced to listen to me, I will rank my top 5 ships from Black Bulter from Worst to Best and explain why I placed them there. BTW my opinion is 100% correct, AND no, I do not take criticism. Buckle up your seat belts because this will be a long ride, and no, we're not gonna stop; you should have gone to the bathroom before we left. Now sit back, relax and HAVE FUN, EVERYONE!!!! 💖

5. Vincent & Madam Red

Aesthetically this couple is fantastic. Betrayal, drama, jealousy, and forbidden love. There's a reason why blue and red are often paired together. PRIME COLOURS, BABY. That's what the kids call colour theory 😎. ANWAY, this is the Angelica Schuyler (work, work) and Alexander Hamilton (lol, you defiantly threw away your shot) ship of the Black Butler community. Even the name Angelina looks and sounds similar to Angelica. They are a bisexual dream of "may I have a side of step on me" 👞👡. They would have been that couple. Yet, I gotta rate them at number five because even though they would be slaying it together (literally and figuratively *very clever jack the ripper and watchdog joke*🔪), it does reduce the intelligent and independent Madam Red into an "uwu notice me sempai" girl. She gets turned from girl boss (affectionate) into girl boss (unaffectionate). Like GURL, I know he is bad, but you are a Miranda in a world full of Nates. The Devil wears Prada because he has taste👠. He's not worth trying to stab an eye-patched child over.

7/10 - if I was Angelina, I would have poured red wine over Rachel's wedding dress because I'm petty like that👰🍷.

4. Mey-Rin & Ronald Knox

I KNOW WHAT YOU ALL ARE THINKING🧠. That's right, I'm telepathic AF. Call me Anya 2.0. "Didn't they only interact once?" Yes, and your point? I could sense the chemistry and potential oozing like a warhead from that singular interaction. When Mey-Rin said that was the first time she ever got hit on, I was shocked and appalled because that girl is a hot warrior queen 👑like some Victorian Hippolyta. If I was shot by Mey-Rin, I would thank her because that meant she noticed little ol' me. Ronald (lol nerd) may *technically* be a dead sociopathic playboy, but underneath all that, he is also a clumsy idiot with some pretty snazzy fighting skills like a certain maid ;)). They both rock the sexy geeky🤓 look, AND Mey-Rin deserves to be swept away by a man who understands the struggle of trying to impress your superior (and failing horribly) while cleaning out blood stains🩸. They are number four because I vaguely get some The Mister by E.L James vibes, which makes me break out in a cold sweat 😷🤢if I think about it for too long. Plus, they did only interact once. God, imagine having Grell as a mother-in-law.

7.5/10 - Call me captain because Imma go down with the ship like the Campania that brought these virgins together⚓.

3. Ciel & Sieglinde

Bubala, I want to get this out of the way before we proceed. I'm no Humbert Humbert. Miss me with that ❌Lolita❌ shit (although it's a fantastic book, shout out to my lad Nabokov). When I ship kids, it's in an "it would be cute in the future" way. I don't expect a thirteen-year-old and ten-year-old actually to date. Kapeesh? Anyway, this is also not a reflection of Elizabeth as a character. We can all agree that their relationship was doomed the minute Lizzy discovered that OCiel wasn't RCiel and proceeded to have one of the worst reactions possible™. She tried to kill Sebastian, ran away from home, and let a TEENAGER get arrested because she got Parent Trapped. Girl, you even knew he was innocent but go off sis🙄💅. You know, ✨everyday rich girl things✨. Sieglinde, our little green witch, adores Ciel for who is truly is, not the broken-down actor carrying around his brother's ghost. Our scientist saw OCeil at his lowest point and still came to respect him. She also was tricked by him but didn't try to get him arrested, so...🙄💅. I'm more of an On the grind 💪 appreciator than a girl boss, manipulate gaslight type. Gotta love a spider leg, girl.

Unlike Elizabeth, who has dealt with tragedy from a distance (and don't get me wrong, she hasn't had an easy ride. It's just more psychological/self-inflicted), Ciel and Sieglinde, these two pipsqueaks have been through hell and back but came out stronger. In short, they can relate to each other's pain more than others their age. Plus, she's super adorable and a genius who can keep up (and outsmart) Ciel and is unafraid to be herself. They might not win in a leg race, but they will destroy you on a chessboard♟️. The best girl in town deserves the worst boy in London 😈.

8/10- Don't witches 🧙‍♀️ love the devil or whatever? Hocus Pocus girl and contract boy can fangirl over the same demon together. Fandom goals

2. Diedrich & Vincent

Ah, Hello again, Vincent. You have shown up on this list more than the actual Manga. Anyway, WHEN I SAW THE PANEL, THE ONE WITH "THE DAYS SPENT WITH YOU ARE BURNED INTO A MEMORY," I WANTED TO CRY. OMFG. I LOVE IT SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭💖💖💖💖. They look so sweet together there🥺. I'm a bitch for dark English academia shit because I am basic AF. Like, don't come at me. I know dark academia has a somewhat problematic history, but Imma keep shoving it down my throat like how Diedrich shoves down those sandwiches😏. The relationship between Vincent and Diedrich is so angsty that I need some rain boots because it's pouring tears out here. Even years after Vincent dies, Diedrich remains loyal to him and tries to save his child (in his "I hate you but I serectly love you" way).

Now I can hear you exclaim, "well, Vincent basically enslaved German boy as his brother-servent thing," but let me tell you, if he wanted out, he could have just stayed in Germany, but that Guten Tag man kept visiting that fine British ass until the day that fine Britsh ass was burnt to a crisp. Vincent was hot until the day he died🔥. Diedrich even keeps a picture of their time together and thinks of it fondly, despite Vicent treating him like a lapdog. THIS MAN DIDN'T EVEN GET MARRIED!!!! WAS IT BECAUSE HE WAS TOO BUSY WITH VINCENT🤔🤔🤔???? Probably not, but for my sake, I will say yes. If Lana Del Ray's music was a couple, it would be this one. They are at number two because as much I love them, there is one ship I adore a bit more. Plus, Vincent has so many side pieces that I don't trust him to stay in a monogamous relationship.

8.5/10 - I wish I knew WHY Vincent chose Rachel over these icons. Like girl, we have no beef, but I need to understand how you collared Vincent🐕‍🦺.

1. Sebastian & Agni

HAHAHA, YOU MUST OF ALL KNOWN MY (DE)MAN WOULD HAVE TO BE A PART OF MY NUMBER ONE PAIR!!!! Oooooh, the scene where Sebastian said that Agni was the first person to ever call him a friend👌👌👌. Sebastian's first friend. Think about that. The AMOUNT OF ADMIRATION they had for one another. This is Sebastian "lol, humans are bugs I like to burn with my magnifying glass" Michaelis, who respects nothing but himself (and cats). Yet, he believed Agni to be an "exemplary butler" who lived up to his ~asethics~ and Agni, the literal right hand of Kali, reached out (no pun instead) to a DEMON and saw something worth appreciating. 

Sebastian even listened to his advice over Ciel's. His master and meal ticket. The guy he signed the bloody contract with. That's like if your lawyer turned to the opposition and said, "they make a fair point, and I agree my client is in the wrong." Like WHAT???? Seb values Agni's advice. A human. In Yana's own words, a species he views as nothing more than a cluster of pests. At best, they're amusing, like how a kid keeps an ant farm. Yet, Agni is different. Here the grasshopper has become the master🙇.

Their potential stepdad AUs were just up my ally. FOUND FAMILY ADMIRES UNITE! But I gotta admit, as much I love Soma, I would give him up for adoption if he was my kid. I can't deal with that level of extra. At the very least, he would go to theatre camp for the entire summer and boarding school, as is tradition for most rich British families. See, I'm not totally heartless😘! Talking about heartlessness, don't even get me started on Agni's death scene because I will ugly cry. When Sebastian dirtied himself with Agni's blood, even tho we all know that prissy bitch is more protective over his clothes than a runway model😔✊. That was the most upset we had ever seen him (outside of almost losing his son Ciel), and he seemed at least happy Agni died in peace. I doubt Sebastian can genuinely mourn, but now at least, he has double reason to hate Undertaker. 

In Conclusion, I just think they are neat.

9.5/10- YASS KING, WHISPER YOUR DEMON SHIT WHILE HE PRAYS TO KALI!!! However, I can't give this a perfect score because one half is dead, and I do not support necrophilia💀. I hope we get Ciel and Sebastian explaining to Soma that they did not kill his daddy and, in fact, were planning a family vacay🏖️. I swear to god, if they have Soma work with RCiel, Imma flip my lid like a fucking kettle. Overall, they would have been couple goals💏.

[daechwitatamic]

Ok I've had time to read 15 three times now and emotionally process it all.

First of all, "if you're ready to talk I'm willing"... what kind of weak ass apology is that OC?!? She needs to be running these things by Kiko and Bridget so they can tell her when she's being an idiot, but that made me think about how she's been sort of hurt in the past about Kiko not opening up when she is pretty much doing the same throughout. It made me really appreciate the importance of the Kiko/Yoongi storyline in helping OC see some of her unhealthy tendencies in someone else.

The scene with Jungkook at the bar... OC is queen of giving amazing advice that she never follows herself, huh? She extends a lot of grace to Taehyung. She doesn't ignore his flaws but understands where they're coming from and knows that doesn't make him a bad person or unworthy of friendship and love. She needs to extend that same compassion to herself as well! 😢

Ofc so happy Davis finally got what he deserved. Imagine beating a cheater and not feeling guilty and instead just doubling down to hurt that person! Taehyung may not be processing his guilt properly and inadvertently hurting Jungkook, but the difference in how he and Davis reflect on and handle their mistakes truly shows their differences.

The storm coming back full circle here. These two have so much to talk through now and I can't believe we only have one chapter left!

Ok those are my quick thoughts but I'm sure I will have more. Do you think you might do Taehyung POV drabbles like for CF? There are so many moments I would love to see from his perspective!

I love WWH so much. You are a gift. Thank you for writing it!!! 💜

🌴

🌴anon..... this was amazing. I literally hugged my laptop. Lemme go in order here and address everything.

OC is for suuuuure in her clown era but like... in HER head she was extending the olive branch with that 'if you want to talk'. In HIS head she's a piece of shit and yknow I can't really blame him.

I love that observation about the importance of the Kiko/Yoongi storyline bc not to get to Literary for fanfiction, I did purposely make their relationship a foil to OC/Tae - when OC/Tae were getting deeper, Kiko/Yoongi were breaking up, and then the reverse. And YES, I made that choice largely so that OC could see her own mistakes being made by someone else and hopefully adjust accordingly

"OC is queen of giving amazing advice that she never follows herself" lemme just.... make that the series summary lmfao

lololol you totally called what would happen with Davis. Tae would neeeever let someone talk about his baby like that >:(

Yesssssss I tried in so many ways to make Davis and Taehyung very different and the biggest piece of that is accountability

the storm!!!!!!!!!! a callback to the line in chapter 6 "there'll be other storms" awhfiuwqhfiuh

i can't believe there's only one more either :( i'm super sad about it but I guess I'll just have to channel that into thinking about what comes next! If you haven't read Complete Faith yet, it's got similar themes to WWH, and I have a Tae x Reader one-shot called TRIP posting on Aug 29!

YES I will A B S O L U T E L Y make a POV request post after Chapter 16 is up. Please please request as many as you want, they're so much fun to do and I miss this couple already :(((

thank YOU for reading and giving me~ such a gift as these excellent conversations. this is truly the dream when we post :( don't be a stranger bby, pop by any time!!!

[imunbreakabledude]

was able to jury rig my laptop while I wait on a replacement and finished up the missing quests I needed for lumbridge elite diaries. Did ds2 among a bunch of others and I have to agree that whisperer was easily the hardest boss of the four. You could probably chalk it up to my shit mage gear and level compared to range and melee but it took the same amount of tries as the other 3 combined. The Lassar undercity was sick though, that and the Stranglewood are standout areas in my eyes, also a special vampire spin with Vardorvis makes me love the quest even more.

The final fight did get me once but I'll defend myself by saying I was tired after reading all the quest dialogue, getting really hyped for While Guthix Sleeps and eventually Ritual of the Mahjarrat later down the line and thinking of the Implications. Putting in random words into the golem at the beginning of the quest was super fun to see what I could get. Didn't get anywhere near the entire list but I did get Erebus by myself, and I saw black stone denied access on the wiki. Like yeah I see right through you Zaros hows Mah doing (not well probably). I wish more people in the osrs community took an interest in the quest dialogue instead of space baring through it because the team really knocked it out of the park with this. Plus the lore in both games is so interesting, can't wait to see how the osrs quests differ from the rs3 ones from here on out.

Oh, and Sliske, the only mahjarrat for me. I hope he the catalyst of some truly crazy shit again in osrs but it looks like he's up to something again already. I must look at pictures of the blorbo again

Also I relate on the fang thing, when I got my bowfa i went to gwd to do altar door bandos and spent the better part of two hours getting smacked around before i realized it was on long range and not rapid, haven't been back since lol.

gz! I struggled enough doing DT2 (both times) on a computer in good condition, can't imagine doing it on a struggling laptop haha nice. also GL with Lumby Elite - i'm also working on getting that on my main rn because ever since I got it on my iron, it now feels impossible to live without that fairy ring QoL. i get sooo angry anytime i have to pull out the damn lunar staff. working on the smithing level (also need RC) and just slowly doing a ton of gold ore all the way not even to be 'efficient' but because i did so much damn giants foundry on the iron i cannot stand to go back there...

DT2 is a great quest though, even though it's definitely the hardest in OSRS by a fair margin. and fwiw I saw tons and tons of praise for the lore when it came out, even on 07scape ;) it's obvious the mods care about the past rs3 lore but also taking their own spin.

however, I never played that part in rs2/rs3 because I was too low level/young and scared - so i know a few bits and pieces, recognize a few things being played with (like, i remember Tale of the Muspah, so I wasn't shocked by Secrets of the North, except that Jhallan is like, meaner here, esp in Dt2! 'cause I remembered him being nice!!!) but i never did Temple at Senntisten, or anything after that. so I can't really reflect on how this version compares to Rs3 or predict anything, but from the chatter i see from other people it seems like they're doing a good job respecting but varying the story. which seems the right way to go.

which reminds me - i'm excited that WGS is coming to OSRS since that quest was like, my dream to do as a kid, but I never came anywhere near the requirements to do it back then. part of me is bummed knowing it'll be different and most likely easier here (in the objective sense since it won't require ALL quests like it used to, and in the subjective sense since I'm an adult and a better player now so it won't be so mythical and daunting)... but I'm still excited to get to relive that 13-year-old-me dream in a way. also intrigued to see where they go with it, and which of the major plot points they stick to from rs2/3 or which they change. i imagine some different NPCs will die - probably no slayer masters since they already kinda paid 'homage' to that with nieve dying in mm2, and also that was pretty unpopular - but I bet they'll still kill a few of the npcs no one really cares about. or maybe 1-2 that feel like it's 'their time'. (Hazelmere? did hazelmere die in original WGS or did i make that up? like i said, I never did it).

but i'm definitely invested in OSRS's version of the mahjarrat storyline even if I don't recall RS3's very well. And yes, i also spent a lot of time inputting search terms to the golem when I first did the quest... really really fun interactive bit, props to the mods who designed that.

anyways... glad someone else feels me on whisperer being hard - initially I thought it was just because i #chose to limit myself - I did the quest on my iron before warped sceptre came out, and didn't have 87 slayer, so no powered staff options. doing that thing with 5 tick autocasting PLUS the 1 tick autocast delay? when you have to move between almost every attack? was not fucking fun lol. just being able to have a trident makes it at least twice as easy, dunno if any other mage upgrades are that much of a difference except marginally, you still have to kinda keep your cool on the enrage phase but high enough dps i guess you could end it fast enough that it wouldn't be so hard. buttt now that sceptre is out and also they're about to remove the autocast delay, I imagine it'll get easier for mid level irons to do which is nice :) Final fight as I said, I think is just harder without a blowpipe but it's really not THAT bad. i also think there was pretty conflicting advice out there right after the quest came out but now there's clearer guidance on how to handle each miniboss depending on your setup (or maybe that's just my perception since I came in knowing the fight the 2nd time lol).

i loveee the vibe of the lassar undercity and the style of that puzzle - except that it just does not work well with my brain, trying to imagine what to do next with the 2 realms and so much space to cover, so I DID use guides for it both times. Stranglewood is objectively a very cool design but subjectively, I am super squicked out by anything zombie or infection related, and i also super super hate stealth-based sections in OSRS quests, so i hate that place, worst part of the quest for me. I actually preferred Ghorrock and the Scar personally, both of those had an awesome blend of exploration and puzzle solving that I really enjoy, did both of those on my own (only used a guide to help me get unstuck at a couple tricky parts of Ghorrock, which I feel bad about, but also less bad since they went back and added more hints to it in an update after I did that section lol).

but overall it's a very very cool quest with great lore, great challenges, and a lot of unique ways of adding difficulty that haven't been seen in osrs quests before. i'm very glad I was at a point where I was ready to take on more bossing challenges when this quest came out, so I could actually learn & enjoy it, rather than putting it off and resenting it as an immovable obstacle in the way of quest cape (as I used to for quests that had "hard bosses" back in the day. lol)

[only-lonely-lovers]

08.12.2022

tags: sex dreams, dreams in general

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ

つ：i think the concept of tsukasa being like "there we go. very good" while you come is like a nightmare hanako would have. its been funnny to think about bc it isn't their dynamic. its liek you have an extremely fucked up dream that is inscrutable

あ：lol yeah just something to make you feel really fucked up like -- NO..

つ：hai, hai……

あ：its so funny though bc like again one has incest dreams even when youre a normal person the thought of alive boys ever having them its mutually so funny

つ：yes, they're completely normal. its something i think about. its free childhood incest thoughts no rules no limits

あ：in my mind tsukasa isn't able to parse his as incest he's just like. what a silly little dream i had about amane and the contents arent actually incriminating enough it really is like we're helping each other pee

つ：he's just like ah that was interesting

あ：omoshiroi. that would never happen though.

つ：as much as you have a dream you both eat big caterpillars together off of leafs wooow intresting. i liked that that dream had amane in it

あ：as unfettered about them as one could be amane hasnt been in my dreams for a few days. im glad he is back

つ：amane wakes up more like… woeuhg.. [going to try to willfully forget this. distract with tasks] ugh… weird dream… shakes it off

あ：in a haze sometimes. like wipes drool off of mouth. eugh…. well whatever…. as weird as having dreams where i'm like stuck in this scary old man's sexual carnival like just garbage brain making up shit [represses]

its like overall i think amane just ahs more sex dreams. and sometimes they're nonsense by virtue of having more. just fodder.

つ：i think when you get into the harming phase of their relationship…. it's…. hmm. going to get sicker but I also love the idea of nutting in sleep but the dream wasn't coherently sexual at all

あ：mnnn yeah i think then its a lot more.. visceral, relevant, and stomach twisting

つ：when you have major anxieties repeating all the time it does start to reflect… ah no sad tothink about amane having a lot of dreams tsukasa goes missing again, NOOO

あ：I think emotional stress IRL makes things manifest more coherently in dreams… well, its like it simulates your sense of helplessness etc

having dreams where tsukasa just is very listless and if you let go of his hand for a few minutes he's trying to leave, crawl out windows, like a pet stress dream

つ：probably a lot its his fault, too..... get distracted as one does in dreams.... forget about tsukasa while you're like. tabbing through dolls in an extravagant shop. only remember him existing later like MY-- TSUKASA!!!! NO!!! TSUKASA!!!! RUNNING AROUND THROUGH EVERY BUILDING

あ：dreaming about being in crowds and tsukasa just walks in the opposite direction and he's just gone you blink and you're just like ??? wait. oh NO

つ：dreams of hearing tsukasa just behind a door and opening it and he's not there… desperately opening hundreds of dors…

あ：and calling his name and sometimes you hear "amane" but also like "its fine… im fine…. you dont have to come…" and its just like😭 TSUKASA!!!

つ：the nature of how blissful you were before he disappeared means you can never have just…. security. i imagine dreams would be very cruel and be very WOO HOO BOUNCE HOUSE and then tsukasa gone

when bird can't stop himself from like . forgetting about me or neglecting me in a dream like you just have an extreme memory problem

あ：Noo yeah like i just have this disability almost, I'm just pathologically unable to be more attentive or considerate. Like i fall out of time. Amane just getting so engrossed in tuning his telescope

つ：youre like discovering a new astrological phenomena or some crap or for age 5 youre like seeing. real bunnies on the moon. making a stupid discovery

あ：Lately i keep having dreams where im being so supremely picky about video games like … obsessing about old consoles and getting the right versions of games. but it makes me meaner and shittier somehow like a version of myself thats an eviler nerd. thinking about Amane more or less becoming some goblinized version of self, liek you're staring into your telescope and you FEEL tsukasa's hand tugging you urgently but you slap him dismissively and keep adjusting and when you look up tsukasa's just liek gone His stuff is all scattered on the floor in a mess like he dropped a bunch of stuff and staggered away

つ：you wake up and you. must. let tsukasa do whatever he wants today lead the way… tsukasa PLEAAASE

あ：anything at all roachie So sad, you can really imagine there being bed time distress both at like 4-5 freshly dealing with tsukasa going missing/returning, and then 12-13 as life gets bad

I just think early days there was soo much anxiety to be had also about tsukasa leaving again…. ah, i like to think about them really being prone to waking up in the middle of the night from bad dreams and face snuzz and cuddle… just need the comfort

つ：it had to have been .... the circumstance which really rots them from the inside out..... the act of losing contact, once.....

あ：Its reasonable to, come a little, in your sleep, once in a while. after everything you've been through.

つ：it is completely normal and reasonable.

あ：Sitting here trying to think about what the average random incest dream for Amane is before things get psycho specifically and it's so funny I think he's just like ruined himself from porn. I think it's like I'm jerking off in dream and then Tsukasa is like WHOA let me help. WOW your cock is awesome.... Amane... Impressive, its bigger than mine. wow. WHAO!!1 your come... so cool

つ：ITS GOTT ABE THE WORST WHEN HE'S LIKE TOO DUMB TO HAVE NUANCE OR ACUTE SHAME BUT IS HORNY AND LOOKING AT PORN

あ：like the gormlessness of an amane at some point being like ahah.F GH.F. sh/.. SEX!!!

つ：tsukasa is just there bc he always is and you know him and he is always supportive and down and thinks you are really cool

あ：Yes sjkfdjgh like i think its almost comically like oh let me help you with that. Your hand looks tired brother Just sit back I think some dreams are like. tsukasa wasnt part of the plot but suddenly in the middle of it you know tsukasa

つ：whoa it went really far!!! itslike a normal dream youre like hiding in a closet jerking off but then tsukasa is just there to comment on your cool hog

あ：it's a gormless sex dream like you're going to fuck a big life sized sex doll or something and tsukasa is suddenly here to pull down your pants for you

the random detail in someone's sex nightmare where the machine had to jerk them off to make them erect before cutting it its like wait you need to get hard first.

つ：fkld;sjfsk its sf funny how dreams are procedural and not tasteful HERE I'LL HELP puts dinosar hand puppet on your cock and goes homf homf homf

あ：exactly

つ：butits a dream so youre like fuck it feels so fucking good jesus ive never felt anything this good in my whole life

あ：yes. its also like haphazard and completely abandons plots and changes details for no reason so suddenly its like ahhh i fuck the dinosaur puppets mouth and like THIS is the fetish i was chasing

I actually think itd be funny if Amane's inability to like respect people as individuals means he cannot have sex dreams with strangers so its always some stupid fetish nonsense your mind cannot generate the fantasy of interfacing with people. so instead you really are sooner some panty stealing pervert or like at best peeping into love hotels or something

it's like ahh in this dream im really hornyabout marbles what number is the sexiest

つ：it feels just so feasible you like hear about dinosaurs laying eggs and youre like whoa i forgot dinosaurs would have sex like normal animals [THINKING OF THEM LIKE UNICORNS OR DRAGONS MAGICALLY] . have a dream you guys are playing dinosaurs and tsukasa is like. auhho i wanna have eggs [you are 4 with no understanding of biology] get eggs in me

あ：Please amane screaaaaaa and its like oh god oh christ… gets into the positions

its all crude and like meaningless dream nonsense but the point is its like whoa feels pretty good

つ：dreams can put you through any bullshit and irl youre like coming about it

あ：itd actually be funny to be like older but having a dream about being 4 in the yard again and doing this but older like 8

つ：to have more knowledge. take it again. I know what it means to put egg in you now

あ：the dream wires get mixed up and you start also RPing attacking tsuaksa during it still like bites [tsukasa shrieking]

つ：fighting you….. wrasslin in your grasp

あ：its a dream you really bit through his shirt and there is blood

[letters-to-my-lovely-ex]

all the things i’ve wanted to say

i know i turned your world upside down that you must feel cheated, robbed, and lied to that maybe you wonder if i ever loved you at all or was i only pretending?

what i know is that i loved you with every fiber of me every moment, laugh, hardship, hug, kiss, mistake, and lesson realer than i could have imagined or ever manufactured i gave you my truth and nothing else i simply didn’t know another way

all i ever wanted was to light up your life to redefine what a relationship could look and feel like to help heal your inner child to show you that love is abundant and not scarce to make you feel worthy of love, respect, and happiness because you deserve those things regardless of us

i tried so hard to accept you as you are to write a happy ending for us in my mind i truly and honestly did, my love i gave it my best shot

pushing every day to convince myself that it could work with someone who’s not expressive with their words whose independence surpasses any need for affirmation who sees vulnerability as weakness

thinking that i’d be okay not receiving in the way that i give that maybe i could soften you over time or that maybe i could harden myself into happiness.

fool’s errands, clearly and sad reflections of my hubris which i’ll continue to regret

for better & for worse i am still the same person you fell in love with warts and all

it must feel irreconcilable to accept that the part of me that broke your heart is still a part of me from warm hugs & kisses to cold silence and emptiness i knew what my decision meant, and coming to it shattered my world i’m just so fucking sorry it shattered yours too

in the aftermath of our death i felt that i had to mourn us in silence i wanted to be strong and keep the house from falling apart to act normal for you the same way you needed me to when your dad passed

it felt like disrespect to indulge in my own sadness, loss, and pain i didn’t want to minimize your experience and i wanted to give you space to feel but i see now that my consideration has come across as callousness that my silence must hurt that all along i’ve been guilty of the aloofness i project onto you

well let me put it out there then: i fucking love you and i haven’t stopped loving you for a second i hurt, dissociate, and compartmentalize just like you do i crave your love, your touch, your affection i am utterly and helplessly consumed by thoughts of you afternoons spent crying on the phone or at wi spa, or on the couch obsessively checking if you added anything to your story refreshing your facebook page for absolutely no reason at all trying to feel something, anything scrolling through our pictures and old texts at 3:45am wanting to relive all of our moments and words in an infinite loop i too am in a bad dream i wish to wake from

i haven’t done any real work since november i half ass my meetings and pretend to do shit on the computer when all i’m really doing is toggling between the same three windows hating myself figuring out how to make it to tomorrow thinking about how to reach you, how to do right by you how to apologize to you and make this less horrible for you because i know it’s killing you

i want to turn back time make it so that you never met me i’d wipe your brain’s memories of me if it meant shielding you from this sick, selfish brand of pain i’m the kind of person who sees all love as worth it and i still wouldn’t trade us for anything but my god, this hurts more than i could have ever prepared for

i miss you so much i miss our life together your leg wraps at night our dates, coffees, and trips all of ryar’s idiosyncrasies your laughs and adorable self-talk how amazing you smell that wonderful feeling of knowing you’re just a kiss away in constant awe of how you manage to balance everything in your life

after the year we’ve had, you’ll forever be a part of me i just can’t keep holding on to hoping you’ll change in the ways i need you to i’m sorry i put that weight on your shoulders that i expected you to carry with ease a load you’ve never been handed i just really needed to be loved in the same way that i love i didn’t want to keep resenting you for not understanding something i need my partner to fully understand

i read somewhere recently that how you feel about someone is different from how they make you feel and that cut me deep

to think that my love for you might over time become marred by indignance that i would never be able to compromise my expectations with our reality was a future too sad for me to entertain

===

i hope you know that i loved you in every way i knew how to i adore your beautiful, radiant, complicated, brilliant, shimmering soul so secretly full of life and love i was so proud to call you mine and i hope you were proud that i was yours because i truly was

i gave you my whole heart and never held back i meant every word i ever said to you i know me choosing myself might make you feel differently but what i’ve felt for you has been the realest part of my year

this next chapter is already pulling us in different directions removing us from each other’s lives re-making us strangers for now taking us back to the break room at rose just a minute before i walked in and was told i’d be training you

i know we need to grow apart and take time away to heal these wounds i had to introduce into our life to slowly transform this pain and sadness into understanding and acceptance

i dream of a time where we can hold space for each other again when we grab coffee or a bite in a new city when you catch me up about the amazing things happening in your life and all i’ll feel is happiness that someone i loved with all of me is doing well

[wondermentishere]

fuck. life has been hitting me hard with realizations. im just considering alot of shit i never considered before. my dreams lately i have been about my mom, a person i really need to get over, and transitioning.

im pretty set on wanting to start t and get top surgery but ive also recognized that theres more to transitioning than just my appearance changing. as i change, so will the world around me and how it interacts with me. i know men have all this fucking privilege, but the more i reflect, the more i conclude being treated like a man fucking sucks. i just feel like it makes life alot more harsh and lonely despite material gain being easier. i already know there are aspects of being perceived as a woman that i will miss. first off, cis privilege is so insane. i like how soft strangers are with me even though im pretty sure its rooted in misogyny. i think ive really gotten okay with people thinking so little of me. when the bar is low so is the pressure and being an overachiever is no one’s expectation but mines. i love how welcoming and trusting girls are to me even if it makes me uncomfortable. i also really love connecting with lesbians and instantly being recognized as community when they see me. now, these are all things i can certainly live without, but will still be a drastic shift to get use to.

i think the biggest concern of mine is being left without community. at work im naturally so quiet and reserved (and anxious) around cis men and even straight women. its funny, because today i met this girl i really clicked with easily and then i found out she was a lesbian lol. like my entire personality just blossomed before me in her presence and im afraid that i wont have access to that anymore when i go on t. i identify heavily with being a man although i would still say im nonbinary but… what if i start passing? no lesbian is going to want me in their space, you know? also, im scared ill never be able to have a real brotherhood with other guys cause i literally was raised as a girl. like am i too different forreal to be considered a guy in men’s spaces? i question all this plus weighing the possible health concerns and decide its probably not worth it. i think about who ill be to my family when im older and im not sure im completely okay with being considered a dad or a grandpa. im so fucking nonbinary i wanna look like a man and still be someone’s mom or grandma without feeling like im fucking up or confusing my children. so much to consider. i really need a new therapist but ive been struggling so hard with money lately itll probably have to wait until december.

when i daydream i imagine myself taking my first t shot on christmas as the biggest, most exciting gift to myself, especially because i know ill be alone. i dont know, we’ll see. two requirements i have for myself is to 1. have my voice working again and 2. have a therapist who specializes in trans care.

[megs-on-legs]

ramblings

I’m just sitting here with my swollen belly, reflecting after a nice meditation, just thinking about the life I have created. Suddenly I felt the urge to write. I don’t know of anyone who actually reads this, & I’ve barely even glanced at this blog in what feels like forever. I am remembering that it was once a mindless after work activity where I scrolled to decompress. That was before I started a family... & that’s the basis of this little rant.

I am just feeling so fortunate to be at this stage of my life... I really do think I will look back & smile at these precious memories & consider them the very best of my (hopefully long) life. Our tiny house with all of its imperfections, no budget to do what we want to do to it, all the while feeling the true definition of happiness.

Brodie & I talked about this the other day. Sometimes it feels like we can’t get ahead... not enough childcare to cover us both to work as much as we want, which sets back our money goals & then the rest of the projects & trips & fun lay dormant. The transition to parenthood is hard! It is also the happiest either of us have ever been. Isn’t that wild? I can’t put into words the fulfillment that becoming a mother has given me. I am so glad he shares this feeling as a father.

Several of my close friends have lost a parent within the last two years, & when I hear them explain how difficult their loss has been, it is a reminder to try to stay present. We don’t get to do this thing again. Iris is only this little for a brief time! Our son will be our last baby to meet after the magic of birth, to lose sleep over & gaze at in awe in those early days to come.

This whole circle of life thing has never been more clear to me. I know now that my parents love me unconditionally! Although I’ve “known” that, the overwhelming realization hit me like a ton of bricks when I met my kid. I imagine it is similar to grief. Holy shit, it is transformative. You hear about how much people love their kids, & quite frankly I was like “yeah yeah yeah”, but it is unlike anything else I can imagine. I feel like I am a part of a secret club where you just glance at another parent & they’re like “I know”! People couldn’t fully articulate their experience when I asked them about becoming a parent during my last pregnancy. Now I realize why. It is just something you simply can’t explain.

The biggest shift & the one I am most thankful for is the amount of growth required to be a good parent. I worried quite a bit about what I would miss if I had children. You know... sleep, freedom to choose your day to day, drop into a yoga class at leisure, actually say yes when someone asks if you want to get lunch that day, & so on. Then one day, you finally sleep a full 8 hours, slowly you start to get pieces of your old life back, you go on a girls trip & you get a babysitter for a night out. None of it has the same impact (except maybe sleep!) - I just think I’ve found some new priorities, I have outgrown parts of the old me, & the things that I did miss a lot are so much more gratifying when I find a slice of time to do them. Actually there is a whole new list of things I miss now - like my body being my own for one, but in time that will come back, too. I’ll have time for myself, to work & save money, maybe get that dream home we can remodel (all at once)! 

The best part about all of the above is, I’ll have a family to share it with. & if I’ve learned anything from therapy, knowing this in the present & appreciating what you have is precisely what growth is. I thank Brodie, Iris & this baby in my belly for that ♥ I’m so glad we did this. Let the chaos continue!