#i mostly wanted to post art here but i could not stop myself from talking about this

[roxtron]

oh no i'm about to talk about trans representation in a way that might annoy some people. Obviously this discussion should have context, so, within the context of people arguing if Gwen is or isn't trans.. I saw this.

To summarize for people who don't want to/can't read what's in the screenshot, the basic point of this person's argument is that it would actually be better for the LGBT+ community for Gwen to be an ally.. And that it would somehow be worse if she was trans herself. So naturally I'm gonna make an entire post ranting about it for as long as I want to, because this is bullshit. First off, I don't think there is ever going to be a scenario where trans people themselves will be more happy to see a character as a trans ally than to see a trans character. That's just.. no. Second off, even if we're following the logic of the comment, that allies voices and representation are somehow more important than trans people's voices and representation- Simply by the fact that allies are viewed as more 'normal' by society- I can't even write this as one solid sentence, it's just such an awful point. I thought we've gone through this enough times that you're not inherently special for being an ally, you don't need ally representation more than trans people need representation, it's literally just "congrats! you're not a transphobic asshole and are doing the bare minimum to being a decent human being." I think the community has already had enough of cishet allies trying to insert themselves into the community solely because they're allies. (Example, people trying to claim the 'A' in 'LGBTQIA+' is for 'Ally.' Obviously it's not. There's multiple identities that start with A that the acronym is for. Asexual, aromantic, agender, etc.) Either way the point about allies being better voices simply because they're only allies is just making the problem worse. The only reason the community needs allies voices in any way is because transphobes won't listen to trans people themselves. They'll only listen to the voices of allies, if they bother to listen at all. Giving more ally voices isn't going to have the same impact as making trans voices louder. They're not going to stop seeing us as freaks just because you say we're not, they're just going to be annoyed with you too for 'siding' with us. As good as allies may have intentions they can't and shouldn't speak for our experiences. And if only the voices of allies are heard, there's going to be a huge piece missing during discussions like this. But even beyond that, who says representation has to be for getting transphobes to accept us anyway? Why can't we just have representation to make us happy? Why is furthering fighting transphobes more valuable than making trans people feel seen and understood? I just wanna end this by saying: I'm tired of seeing takes like this. You claim to be allies, but if you are, why does the thought of Gwen being trans make you that upset? Why is it such a big deal to some of you if she is?

[be-good-to-bugs]

hmm

[audistorium]

How I Even Got Here: A Letter from Lemon to Hopeful Creatives

This is going to be a lot. But maybe that's why we(I) made a tumblr. This is a place stories like these can be told.

Four months ago I was not a showrunner.

Four months ago I had no idea what to do.

Four months ago I had little to no friends in Audio Drama as a whole. There were a small handful of twitter people I knew, and I was a ghost in a few discords because I was afraid to ask anyone anything. But.. I was mostly riding solo.

I spent several years learning nothing but sound design after becoming completely enthralled by The Sandman. Shortly after I found SCP Archives and indie Audio Dramas that blew my mind.

Yet even with all that time making soundscapes and learning the intricacies of sound design under my belt, I still felt that gnawing imposter syndrome of creating a show. I've now learned this is pretty widespread in AD creators. Funny how that works, isn't it?

Who was I? Some broke kid from Arkansas that's fascinated by productions of sound and theatre of the mind? A less than well known comedian that wanted to tell the weird tales that manifest from nothing in my brain? I guess in the end that didn't really matter to me. I wanted to tell the scary stories that popped into my head and combine them with later episodes that tell funny ones. An interweaving web that I couldn't get out of my head until I brought it to life.

I talk about the night I uploaded my first episode a lot. My hands were shaking. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest and my face was buried in my palms for a while. I ended up saying "Fuck it." and hit upload. I sat there for a while just watching the episode pop up on different platforms one by one.

There it was. The thing I built up and wrote and worked my ass off for so long for. "What now?" I wondered.

I sat there for an hour kind of looking at the Spotify cover art that had been done well over a year before this point. Yet somehow it felt more real now. More tangible. This was something I could hold in my hands now and say I created. That was an unreal feeling. It was even more mind bending to think that this was only the start of the journey.

I got on Twitter that night and posted about it. It did not take long for someone to reach out. That person was Jesse Hall. Someone who showed me enough kindness to say all of these things that spelled out to me: "Hey, there are communities out there of people that want you to keep making these"

I ended up finding my home, The Liminal Lands discord. A show hiding out in a discord for another show. The thing is, though..

There really WAS this sense of community in it.

Since that point I have been in shows that previously I was only a fan of. I have met people that have been doing this for like 10+ years that treat me as a peer. I have other friends now that are also new showrunners.

I've been asked to be the sound designer in two different productions that are aiming for Tribeca. How nuts is that?

While it does mean my own show has to wait a second, this is incredible that people actually want to involve me at such a level when I feel like the biggest imposter in the room.

It has not been an easy past four months. Not even remotely. I wrote, voiced and sound designed episode 2: Lemonal in 24 hours because I felt like I needed to tell that story. It was one that was very personal. I've been able to share experiences of helplessness, death and fear. But also personal growth.

Soon, of my own humor.

I can put all of myself into this and I never have any intention of stopping that.

Four months later, I am a showrunner. I am the writer, sound designer and often one of the voice actors in my own show.

Four months later, I am confident in what I am capable of, and I am extremely proud of what I've been able to do because so many caring people pushed me and told me that I can do this. That If I stop punishing myself and telling myself my work is bad, I'll learn to love it more. So I did.

Four months later, I have friends that I would not trade for anything in the world and I think that things are only going up from here.

If you stumble across this as a hopeful creative, and you're not certain that you can accomplish what you want.. Well. Look at me.

I had nothing and no one. Our very small budget got us 3 covers and published. Good enough.

Now I have people that care enough to make me better every day. People that just want to be involved in what I made. That is extremely cool, and nowwww, every time I make something new I improve. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Take the leap. People will help you. People will support you.

I promise.

[fandomscompilation]

The story of two broken souls (Kaz Brekker x Reader) Part 9

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: eventual Kaz Brekker x Reader

Warnings: arguments, gangs, threats, mentions of murder and violence, talks of Menagerie

A/N: Welcome to another part of Kaz series. My feed will turn hectic with both series being posted at the same time, but oh well... Let me know what you think and enjoy!

Taglist: @d34drapunzel @coldheartedmar @igakc

Gif is not mine!

Even after a full day off I felt more tired than I did before. But I still went to the Club before the crowd came in and took my place behind the bar.

I worked through the orders as usual, but didn't engage into conversations with customers or other workers too much. I knew being distracted will probably make Kaz talk my ear off, but I didn't really care about him or his Club today.

"He wants to see us." Inej said sliding on one of the stools. I looked up to her in curiosity. "Said he had a job." I huffed giving the customer his drink before throwing the rag on one of the shelves.

"Anything important?" I asked walking with Inej. She send me an apologetic smile.

"He took you away from the bar so I think so, yes." She nodded walking upstairs. I only nodded trailing behind the girl.

Kaz was sitting behind his desk with documents thrown all over it. Inej walked in first and stopped in front of his desk, while I closed the doors and plopped down into the chair. I never asked why Jesper and Inej never sat down in the free chair, but I always used that opportunity to sit down myself.

"I want you to join Inej on her night watch." Kaz glanced my way but I didn't react to his order for a second.

"Can't Inej take care of it by herself?" I asked which made Inej throw me a warning glance.

"I want you both on the job." Brekker said again making me huff.

"I ain't a Crow, Brekker. I work the bar, that's why I was employed for. I don't have to ran around doing jobs for you." I said getting pissed off. Last night didn't help in controlling my emotions.

"Inej, go ahead. She'll join you later on." Kaz said making the girl nod and leave the room quietly. I crossed my arms sinking into the chair. "We have a deal."

"I've been here for months and you didn't do shit to bring him down. Do you still really think I'm some dumb gang member?" I seethed glaring at him. He ran his gloved hand through his hair before meeting my gaze again.

"What do you want me to do? Can't really go against Dime Lions with nothing on us." He said slowly like I was a child throwing a tantrum. It made me grit my teeth even harder.

"I give you a month, Brekker." I said standing up. "If by that time you don't have a plan or do something I'll do it my way." We glared at each other for a second before I turned around to find Inej.

She was already on the rooftops when I managed to catch up. She quickly informed me where we should head and started to lead the way. I couldn't show her what I really could do, but I made sure she seemingly taught me her art of stillness. Now Kaz would send me on recon missions with her to keep me in form.

Soon Inej caught a word on the streets about a big job coming up. We followed the man silently, while they unknowingly gave away more and more details.

We went separate ways close to the mansion so we could gather more intel. Although I mostly watched over the guards and staff members so they didn't come close to Inej's hiding spot. I didn't hear much either since I constantly moved from one place to another keeping my friend safe.

When I finally noticed her shadows move away from the building it was already raining. I loved Ketterdam for its weather. The constant rain was something I loved. Most of nights like this I would spend perched on my window watching the water wash away mood and blood.

Inej was the first one to slid into Kaz's room through the window. I stayed out for a moment longer until I heard him greet her.

"What information do you have for me tonight?" He asked washing his hands. Inej stepped in front of me, while I stayed close to the window.

"A lead on a job. A big one. Enough money to change lives." Inej said, but I stayed quiet. Seemingly a shadow in the corner. Kaz looked at her through his mirror before softly shaking his head.

"It doesn't take much to change someone's life in the Barrel." He said not showing his interest. I huffed rolling my eyes.

"A million kruge?" Inej asked knowing it would finally get his attention. He straightened up almost immediately.

"What's the name?" I could see his curiosity through the reflection in mirror. He was already in his work mode.

"Dreesen. A wealthy merchant." Inej informed making him nod slightly.

"Dreesen. I've heard of him." I hummed lightly. Every good gang leader should know about people like that. The slimy rats acting like they're kings of the city. "He could afford it. The question is, what's worth a million kruge to him?"

"He's looking for a crew willing to cross the Fold into East Ravka and bring back something." Inej said making me turn my head in her direction. Guess I should've asked about the job before we came here. Kaz turned around putting his gloves on and I turned my face blank again.

"The Fold? Well, of course, certain death pays a million." He quickly glanced my way and I shrugged lightly. "He didn't say what he wants nicked?"

"No." Inej answered looking down. "But he's taking meetings tonight, starting at midnight."

"Tell me you followed him." Kaz said looking at us over his left shoulder. Inej smirked and I knew she was proud of herself.

"He brought someone in from the ship. Took a way back to his house in the Garden District to avoid attention. I would have followed him inside, but Dreesen's hired some private security. I would have had to use my knives to get closer." Inej told Kaz the story while I looked at the wall getting slightly distracted by my own thoughts.

"Private security. Anyone we know?" Brekker wondered with his attention on Inej.

"A Zemeni man. I think his name is Tendo. You know him?" Inej asked glancing to me too. I had quiet the memory for people's faces and names.

"Gambles at one of Pekka's clubs." I said lightly making Kaz nod along.

"I won't have leverage on him. But Pekka will." Kaz grimaced lightly and went to his desk with Inej following. I lightly rolled my eyes going after them.

"Kaz, I got this lead from one of the girls at the Menagerie." Inej said making me realise why she was the only one to hear about it before we saw Dreesen. Kaz glanced her way in question. "They tell me things in case you'd buy them out, like you did with me."

"I didn't buy you, I'm paying off your indenture." Kaz said leaning on his desk.

"You know what I mean." Inej said quickly. "This one girl, Kesh, she has skill. She's like me."

"I only invest in the one of a kind." Kaz said slightly raising his voice. "She isn't like you. No one is." I bit my cheek seeing the awkward interaction.

"So? What's our move now?" Inej asked walking to stand in front of the desk and I leaned on the arch beside me.

"You're the one of us who believes in a higher power." Brekker said straightening and looking at DeKappel's painting of the Fold. "If we're going to survive a round trip through the Fold, we'll need a miracle or two."

"Or a lot of money." I huffed standing normally. "Either way, I'm out."

"What do you mean?" Kaz asked squinting at me and I shrugged.

"I'm out. I did the recon job with Inej, I've got a shift in the morning and there's no way you'll make me cross that pit of darkness." I said crossing my arms and Inej looked from me to Kaz.

"We'll need you on this job." He said not breaking our gaze.

"You don't even know the details. You have no idea if you'll need me." I threw my hands up in annoyance. He pinched his nose showing his own irritation.

"Inej leaves us." She patted my shoulder on the way out as a sign she'll be waiting at the Slat. Second time that she was order to leave, because I didn't follow orders. "Why are you being so difficult lately?"

"Maybe because we made a deal and you didn't do shit yet." I said with anger in my tone. "If you can't do it then just tell me. I'll gladly get Blade back to life and cut his head off."

"Killing him won't make him pay for what he did." Brekker reminded in a raised voice making me groan.

"Then do something. At least let me mess with him a bit." I sighted giving him my puppy eyes.

"It won't work on me." Kaz send me a glare and turned to his documents.

"Oh, I think it would if you didn't try to distract yourself with papers." I smirked seeing his tightened jaw. "But fine, I gave you a month. And I'll wait."

"Fine. Now go out and figure out a way to cross the Fold." Kaz order not even looking up to see me frown.

"I've got a shift in the morning." I said reminding him of my real work.

"You're off the bar duty as long as the milion kruge job is on the table." He only gave me one look before waving me off. I didn't had much energy to have another argument, so I opted in joining Inej in the Slat and downing a drink or two.

[chiocchi]

Chiocchi!

Big fan of your artistry. I love your art so much! And those graphic novels you have on ao3??? Heaven sent! I use them as an imagery reference if I read any similar trope haha!

I asked the same question to leafiloaf since I love them too, but I'll be very interested to know your artistic journey if you don't mind sharing. How did you start with your art?

Tysm for being in this fandom ❤️

youknowmevj! omg thank you so much! You're too kind 😭🥺❤️❤️❤️ And yess lots of love to leafiloaf

Thanks for the ask! I've never told anyone about it and I'm so excited I'll give you so much unnecessary context. Oops long post.

My artistic journey

I've enjoyed drawing since I was little, but mostly I just drew doodles in my notebook. Anime was a big inspiration for my style and I wanted to create digital illustrations too. When I was a teenager, I tried using a mouse and a PC, and my finger and some app on my phone, but the results were always terrible. I told myself it was because I didn't have a drawing tablet, so "of course my drawings will look ugly" and stopped trying.

However, I promised a discord friend that I would do a drawing for her in December 2020. So, I downloaded this app called "Ibis Paint" on my phone and, with all my effort despite my lack of ability, I drew Harry using the app and my finger jskldhfsa

I was so hesitant and nervous about showing it to her. I could tell it wasn't pretty, just "weird and awkward", and I felt embarrassed. But she told me it was good (LIES) and somehow convinced me to share it with others on the server. Despite feeling shy, I shared it anyway. To my surprise, three people told me it was pretty! I appreciated their kindness.

It wasn't until March 2021 that I returned to drawing digitally and on a more consistent basis. I was mainly doing fanart for a game that I liked.

In May or June (I can't remember exactly), I stumbled upon an artist who created incredible art using Ibis Paint. And I realized that I didn't need a drawing tablet, just more practice and skill, because if they could do it, then I could do it too! That was the moment I began taking art more seriously (still as a hobby, though!).

Due to the pandemic, I had a lot of free time, which I used to watch a lot of tutorials, practice gesture and follow the advice of artists I liked. With every drawing I made, I could see an improvement, which motivated me even more to keep on working hard (drawing became a source of comfort during those depressing times. It was just really fun).

In late 2021, I mentioned to a childhood friend that I wanted to buy a drawing tablet, and he asked me if I wanted his old one, which I excitedly accepted. Finally, I had the tool that would make my art incredible… or so I thought! I was terrible with it. For the first few months, I preferred Ibis paint and my finger. But I eventually got the hang of it! What I love the most are the multiple brushes and pressure settings. I'm such a hoarder, even if I don't use all of them ksklajdl.

In 2022, I participated in several bigbangs and zines, but what I'm most excited to talk about is the tomarry comic that I started.

My tomarrymort art

I've read tomarrymort fics since 2017, but I wasn't active on the fandom. In 2020, I joined a writer's server (all love to Amanda) and met the friend I mentioned earlier. So technically, you could say my love for tomarrymort lead me here kek

Even though my main inspiration was a game, here is some fic fanart I made.

This is my first tomarry art (July 27th, 2021). It's a scene from Genius by the Numbers. I think it looks weird kjdshk

I also made art for A Mating of Convenience, what started in beautiful rooms, Dripping Fingers and for Ale, beloved. (I think I've never posted these before.)

Then two things happened: I saw comic on ao3 (If I'll Ever See You by festivewind) and I was like "WOW! THAT'S SO COOL" and "omg we can upload comics!"

The second thing was me being rejected as a webtoon background artist (naturally, as I wasn't good enough for the specifics) and the spite made me want to do my own so I could improve my weakness (the grind never stops 💪🔥).

I read some of my old notes for story ideas (I'm not good at writing but I still had some snippets of stories). And boom! Love triangle but the 3 of them are idiots (affectionate). Fun fact: the original version had a murder, someone in Azkaban and someone hating the other forever :D

Don't pretend started as an anonymous work because some of my friends knew my AO3 username and I was afraid of screwing up the format (I don't know html) and looking like a fool DKJALKSJL I was also afraid of possible backlash (I'm an over-thinker).

None of that happened (comments were very kind and nice!) But idk, it was nice being anon. I'm awkward and shy and I usually don't know what to say to compliments (Sometimes a "thank you" doesn't feel enough but that's all my brain can offer 😭)

Then I made some tomarry christmas art and shared it on TRoR discord server and someone asked me if I had Tumblr and I said no but that gave me the idea of making one.

Since I planned Don't pretend as being a long story, I realized it'd take me a long time to finish it and I wanted to contribute to the complete tomarrymort works! That's the reason I took a pause and made A Soulmate Like You.

Anyway, I made this tumblr on January 2023, and the plan was to fill it with art so, eventually, when I found the courage to make my works non-anon, I could link to this page. Except that I posted one drawing, and that was enough for isalisewrites to know it was me HJKASDJLA. So I stopped the anonymous thing.

I'm still not used to being "perceived" 👁️👁️ but I've learned it's not bad. People have been really kind and I think I'm less shy now! I'm very happy to be part of this fandom with lots of kind and supportive people and incredible fics and fanart <3

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 18)

Hey! I have a good reason for not posting on Sunday the way I planned. Partly. I was gonna, but then I remembered that I'd forgotten some of my notes at work and I thought to myself "Okay, I guess I can't do the post!" Seriously, I love doing these, but the actual posts are really annoying sometimes. Finding the pictures, trying to be funny in the captions... doing the fucking next and previous buttons. I hate doing those. Anyway!

I'm sure at this point we're more than ready to wrap up this arc, so let's do it, shall we? Mikan has just been hit with Persona's alice and it's not something one easily walks away from. Oh dear!

<- Prev Next ->

Chapter Sixty-Eight

We rejoin Mikan at a pretty tense time. Her skin is newly covered in dark stains--the mark of death. She is in terrible pain. She is facing the news that she will die very soon. She’s already touched Persona, which means his alice has already done its job. As far as they all know, Mikan will die today.

Her friends are shocked, and so is she. These characters here are all children. Whether it’s finding out a friend is marked to die--or that you are--it’s not easy news to take. But they don’t even have the chance to fully process it because they’re still in an actively dangerous situation. Other than this news, there’s no real change here. Persona still wants to lock Natsume up, to destroy everyone’s happiness.

Even Yakumo protests against what happened, but Persona insists that it’s an accident, and that the school will agree, which riles Natsume up quite a bit. And before you start getting comfortable in the idea that Himemiya is one of the good guys, she reminds us that she is capricious and man-hating. She is so disgusted by Natsume’s behavior that she tightens the barrier on him. As a result, he doubles over in pain, giving Persona the chance to regain the upper hand through Nobara’s alice stone.

It’s important that Mikan sees this happen. Though she doesn’t know Himemiya is observing and pulling strings, she can see that Natsume is unwell, that he still hasn’t recovered from using his alice before. Mikan may not ever admit out loud or to herself that she knows deep down why Natsume is always ill, but she still knows. He is ill, and using so much of his alice, especially in a hostile area complete with a barrier, is not good for him. He’s fighting a losing battle. He can do all he can, but he’s not used to this environment, he’s already sick, and his alice is canceled out with Nobara’s alice stone anyway. He will lose.

Hotaru bravely tries to hit Persona, but she’s very weak while Persona is very strong. Ruka cries out her name (the real ones know why I mention that) and Mikan is able to stop Persona from attacking a loved one once more. Mikan is horrified that Persona would try to attack one of her friends again. She is always so stumped by the existence of the villains she encounters. She cannot understand why someone would do any of that, why someone would hurt somebody else. 

(I think it’s very interesting that Mikan once saw Natsume in the same capacity, as a villain who hurt her friends, who she could not understand, who she saw as entirely bad. But because she saw him in an initially dark light and then gradually came to understand him and see the good in him, he might be one of the few people she sees as layered and complex as opposed to being entirely good or bad. But it is mostly evil that she views as unnuanced, because malice is one of the only things that she cannot empathize with. She cannot understand why somebody would want to hurt somebody else, which is why Persona is so repellent to her here. I'll always love comparing the villains as they progress arc to arc--what sets them apart, how they get progressively worse, etc.)

It's really sad to me that this is one of the prettiest arcs in terms of art style and yet the scans just... burnt it all up. I'm crying.

The stains have spread across her skin and the pain has intensified. It’s important to note that her skin isn’t just discolored. While all this is happening, Mikan is in terrible pain. She is in the process of dying. For a moment, she’s scared that the stains might be contagious, so she warns her friends not to get close. Mikan is already terrified that she will die, but she is prepared to die alone, because she doesn’t want to drag her friends into the same fate. Persona informs her that the stains are not contagious and can’t spread, but Mikan is still scared. She’s still dying, and agonizingly so. 

“I don’t want to die,” she thinks to herself. “I’m scared.” None of those thoughts are surprising; anybody would react that way upon finding out their life is running out. Mikan, who couldn’t comprehend why Natsume would be willing to take his own life during the Reo Arc, values life more than any other character. Her own life is no exception. 

But that’s not what she says out loud.

Instead, she admonishes Persona for trying to use such a despicable alice on her friends. She can feel the pain after all. She feels how awful it is. The only thing worse than dying is knowing that her friends could have been in her position instead. She is not angry that he used his alice on her; she’s angry that he tried using it on them. She makes her bold proclamations about never forgiving him and refusing to let him have his way but he seems largely unmoved. She’s already at death’s door. Hasn’t she had enough?

Actually, y'know what, I was right (I'm saying this to myself--you're not missing something). Aoi wasn't around to witness Nobara, so we know these aren't her thoughts, even though it's tempting to imagine it that way because she's standing there. This is Mikan, thinking about the people who have looked out for Natsume... a precious person... Where's that one tumblr that made that annoying post about Mikan being with Natsume, not out of genuine love and affection, but out of pity? I just wanna talk. And give you canon evidence that you're sorely mistaken.

Yes, Mikan is already at death’s door, which is why she’ll keep fighting. She’s already doomed anyway. 

(Natsume has the same mentality.)

She is going to die anyway, so tells her friends to get out, to run away. They can escape while she holds Persona off with her alice. She’s a lost cause, so she might as well take advantage of it to protect the people she loves while she can. Mikan is scared, but what she says out loud is that she doesn’t care about her own well-being anymore. She doesn’t voice how she’s feeling because it’s not helpful. It would only worry her friends even more, when the situation isn’t anything they can help. If this would have proceeded the way Mikan imagines here, then she would die, by herself, scared and alone and in agony in the basement.

Her friends protest, but she is resigned to her fate, as much as it scares her. In Natsume’s corresponding essays, I made a lot of references to Mikan encroaching on Natsume’s habits, particularly to sacrifice himself at the drop of a hat. 

Yes, they are similar in some ways. Both Natsume and Mikan think pretty little of themselves. Natsume hates his alice; Mikan views hers as lackluster and unimpressive. Both of their alices are really only any good in situations like this--life or death: his to attack, hers to protect. Thus, they are both best suited to this sort of alice-use. They both prioritize others’ happiness over their own. Thus, Mikan’s behavior here seems to echo Natsume’s behavior all the time. But I think there’s some key differences as well.

Most of all, Natsume is suicidal. He’s always ready to sacrifice his life for a number of reasons, which I best summarized during the Reo Arc in Chapter Sixteen. Yes, he’s a trained soldier, so he is aware that missions can go sideways, that things can escalate, that people can end up dead. Yes, it was drilled into him that his value is conditional and that death is sometimes even expected of him, depending on the mission. But more than anything, Natsume is always prepared to die because deep down, he kind of wants to.

Obviously falling in love with Mikan complicates that feeling, but he’s always been resigned to the fact that he and Mikan can’t ever be together, so that’s not something holding him back. He knows he will die, so maybe his martyr complex is motivated by pushing things along and speeding up the inevitable. We know that Natsume has been, to some extent, ready to die ever since he came to the academy, so whenever he goes on a dangerous mission, he is acutely aware that he might die. His life is pretty meaningless to him and he seems to not understand just how important he is to other people (in roles far more profound than simply “protector,” such as friend, son, brother, lover, etc.), which doesn’t help the suicidal feelings at all. If he must die, and if he kind of wants to, then at least his death can come with the added benefit or protecting his loved ones, right?

Death in slow motion.

Mikan’s situation is a little different. Though it’s indisputable that Mikan has a self esteem issue, she certainly is not suicidal. Whereas Natsume might be resigned to death, Mikan is very obviously frightened here. He might have been acutely aware that he was potentially facing death by coming here, but Mikan definitely was not. Mikan still has an idealistic idea that things can work out, that people can be saved, and that everyone will be safe if she wills it enough. Persona’s alice taking the toll that it does is entirely out of left field. She never, in her wildest dreams, would have imagined this could happen, that she could die here. 

Her resignation isn’t related to suicidal ideation or even to giving up. Instead, it’s a sad kind of acceptance. As far as she knows, surviving Persona’s alice is impossible. She certainly doesn’t want to die, but she knows she will. After Pengy, she has come to terms with the fact that death is an inescapable risk during missions like this, so why should she be exempt? And she doesn’t want her friends to die with her. And so she tells them to run away, to leave her behind. She will fight Persona until she dies because there isn’t much else she can do in her state. Mikan is exhibiting a level of maturity she shouldn’t possess yet. She came to accept her imminent death in a matter of minutes, a difficult feat for grown adults, let alone an eleven-year-old girl. 

She wants to protect these people. We’ve been watching Mikan this whole time, really, so we know that Mikan’s desire from the beginning was to be strong, to be able to protect people, to be able to sacrifice something for the people she loves. That’s why she calls herself “selfish” for asking them to leave. She’s always wanted to sacrifice herself, and this is her chance to do that. If she can’t do it now, on her deathbed, then she will die never having done it (in her view), which means that letting her die in the manner of her choosing, by keeping Persona at bay and letting them escape, would actually be benefiting her. It would be selfish of her.

It is for this reason that I said earlier that this arc could be, narratively speaking, the final arc. When it comes to Mikan’s character, things could feasibly be wrapped up here. From the beginning, what have we been looking for? Figuring Natsume out--check. Seeing if Mikan’s alice could be “useful”--check. Watching Mikan finally sacrifice something--check. Most of the main themes established within the first few chapters of the manga are addressed within this arc. 

Of course, it’s not a very satisfying ending. We still have plenty of mysteries to solve and character arcs to wrap up, but for Mikan, you could reasonably argue that this arc could have been used to finish her story. 

In any case, it’s also important that when she’s visualizing her protection she’s thinking so much of Natsume. I don’t think Natsume is the only person she’s thinking of, or that she wants to protect him much more than her other friends. Instead, I think that Ruka’s story is fresh in her mind. Natsume has spent his entire life protecting others. Mikan finds this simultaneously sad and admirable. In some way she covets his effortless selflessness while at the same time wishing he could be protected too. This choice to stay with Persona satisfies both of those feelings. She can now be the selfless one while also protecting Natsume for a change. (These feelings are intermingled with the contrasting desire to live, and to stay with the people she loves forever, and yet only the declarations of protection are said out loud. The helpless and sad thoughts stay inside. Mikan can be many things but she will not allow herself to be remembered sad.)

Apparently, Aoi has a similar thought process of watching (or rather hearing since she can't see) others protect, particularly her big brother. She considers this her chance too. Besides, she knows Persona. Maybe she can get through to him? So she pleads with him to stop, appealing to the humanity she’s sure he has. He’d always presented himself as kind to her, a victim rather than an oppressor, which is why she’s so certain that this behavior is out of character for him. She is still not quite aware that she’d been played, that she was his victim all along too.

(And yes I do truly believe Aoi was played here. I'm not a fan of Nobara and Persona ending up together, but Nobara did see all parts of him and was still patient and empathetic with him and you could argue there was a degree of transparency with them, especially towards the end, despite the clear abuse she endured at his hands. Aoi, on the other hand, was fed convenient information to keep her docile and pliant. He lied about their relationship and erased Natsume from her history so that she didn't complain about being trapped in the same prison he spent his childhood in. Again, Persona knows first-hand how horrendous that dungeon is and he was not just complicit but actively involved in keeping another child there. His chats with her might in some small part have been driven by the motivation to keep her company so she's not as lonely as he was, but it's still primarily selfish manipulation done without a lick of self-reflection. There's really nothing endearing to me about the way Persona treated Aoi. I just can't with this guy, honestly.)

Persona--somehow offended by Aoi begging him to… not kill her new friends? (I’m joking; obviously I’m fully aware of Persona’s fucked up psychology, but that still doesn’t excuse or justify any of his actions so they’re still ??? to me.)--insults Aoi and pretty much tells her she no longer has value enough to live, same rhetoric given to Natsume. He moves to use his alice on her, and Mikan once more takes the brunt of his alice to protect Aoi, and to protect Natsume. 

(It’s interesting that Yakumo, who is perhaps the most solemn and serious member of the DA class yet, who takes orders like a champ and doesn’t deviate from them like Hayate or Rui did, is so horrified by Persona’s actions and speaks up against them. He seems most the quiet soldier type, the kind who follows all orders without question, and yet he still speaks up, protesting that Persona is going too far. I’m kind of sad that we get so little of him.)

Mikan has been told this whole time that one more hit of his alice and she would definitely end up dead. She doesn’t want to die, but Persona has been attacking her friends over and over again. It’s important to note that none of the times Mikan was hit were by Persona intentionally aiming for her. Each time, she made the conscious choice to put herself in danger to save a friend. The first time, she was unaware that her action would result in danger. The second time, she was more aware, but the situation still didn’t seem hopeless quite yet. But this third time, Mikan knows she’s signing her life away. This is perhaps the most informed of all three choices. This time, Mikan knows she will die, but she also knows that not doing so would be unacceptable. Not doing so would mean Aoi dies, and Aoi dying would be a tragedy because Aoi is a bright girl who deserves to live, but also because Aoi dying would mean Natsume suffers, and she cannot allow him to suffer anymore. 

Mikan tackles Persona and thinks of her loved ones: Jii-chan, her friends, Natsume, Narumi-sensei… She silently begs them to lend her strength. All of the people she knows and admires, who all demonstrated strength and sacrifice time and time again, help her convictions in this moment.

Never fear, Dad is here!

And the ghost of her father, whose presence she has felt before, appears to “lend her strength,” heightening her alice, helping his daughter. I am certain that Mikan can feel his presence now too, but she doesn’t know exactly what she’s feeling and she’s already so unwell, so close to death, that she probably isn’t in the state to analyze it. Mikan does it: she defeats Persona, who runs off screaming and crying at the impact of his own alice.

Then she falls unconscious.

Chapter Sixty-Nine

How heart-breaking that this chapter’s cover is an impossible scene, of Mikan with her mysterious father, her mysterious protector, her favorite ghost. At this point, the reader is only aware of Mikan’s father in a limited sense: the sensei Yuka loved, the teacher who made such a large impact in the lives of the students, who apparently did not kill himself, who had the same alice as Mikan, the same desire to protect. We know very little about him (and Mikan knows far less than even we do), but we know he loves his daughter. The chapter title reminds us that she was robbed of that.

Anyway, there’s a lot going on with her friends, but Mikan is unconscious for a bit, so we’re going to focus on her internal struggle. 

First, she is in excruciating pain. The stains are burning hot and she can feel her body desperately try to fight off Persona’s alice. She wants to live, and her body is doing what it can to keep her alive. 

Secondly, she can hear a distant voice, the voice of a woman, wishing for Mikan to be resilient, to be able to defend herself, to protect someone she loves. It’s so interesting that Mikan, on the brink of death, is remembering the vague memory of the beginning of her life, when her mother made that wish. So the memory of her father stops by to assist her in defeating Persona, and then the memory of her mother soothes her as she fights off the mark of death trying to kill her. Mikan, who has no solid memories of her parents, is still comforted by them when she’s hurt. Like I said when Hotaru was dying from that poisonous bullet, little girls want their mommy and daddy when they’re hurt. And Mikan, for all of her self-sacrifice and noble declarations of protection, is still just a little girl.

Did I complain about the scans earlier? That was rude of me. It can always get worse, you know. The TokyoPops definitely aren't perfect but damn...

In any case, Mikan is unconscious for a little while, until, while her friends bicker with the student council over the consequences of their actions, Natsume proclaims that it’s all his fault, so he should take Aoi and leave the school. 

It’s a fucking stupid plan. Everyone thinks so. I always cringe when he declares it and then Subaru and Sakurano instantly shut it down. Ugh. He can be a dumbass sometimes too. The martyr complex makes him an idiot from time to time.

But Mikan is awake and can hear him. Even in her weak state, she speaks up, asking if he’s really leaving the school. “Leaving us?” HMM. I have a lot of thoughts on this. 

First, I will admit that this chapter kinda bores me. It’s my least favorite part of this arc. I find it a little lackluster since most of the rest of the arc is so intense. Regardless, this little moment where Mikan asks Natsume where he’s going is one of my favorite little moments, even thought it only lasts two pages (shorter than their kiss, even, though I'd argue a lot of scenes are).

Mikan, who is currently in the process of dying, is so disturbed by the idea of Natsume leaving (even though she might not even be around to miss him), that she pulls herself up to call out to him and ask him if he’s serious. We already know from the Z Arc just how much Mikan hates the idea of being without Natsume. That wish to keep him with her was powerful enough that her alice could work from all the way across the room, even without the proximity or tackling she usually uses. But this time, it’s Natsume’s idea to leave. There’s no alice to nullify or enemies that she can currently vanquish to keep him with her. All she can do is ask him if he’s going to really leave.

She is to weak to actively follow the conversation, but talk of Natsume leaving is simply not acceptable.

And, of course, there's the fascinating fact that she says, “You’re going to leave us?” which is the safer thing to ask. I’ve talked enough about Mikan’s reluctance to make herself vulnerable with Natsume, to say the hard and scary thing. If you thought that hesitation might be lessened by her present condition, you are sorely mistaken! She has so far been dishonest with her feelings, even on the brink of death, keeping to herself how scared and hurt she truly is. So far she hasn’t confessed her fear with anybody. She can’t even phrase it properly in her head either, because even her own thoughts ask if Natsume is “leaving all of us?” You know what I’m about to say, because, yes, Natsume would be leaving everybody, but her most pressing concern is that he’d be leaving her. “Us” seems safer than “me,” just like “You’re ignoring people” or “saying people’s names all of a sudden,” so on and so forth forever. Mikan is people, whenever it comes to Natsume. She’d rather be part of a group that is affected by Natsume, rather than one person who loves him so much she can’t stand the thought of losing him. “Are you leaving us?” is a general question. Leaving the school, his class, etc. Is he going? “Are you leaving me?” on the other hand, is personal, vulnerable, heavy, and scary, perhaps even scarier to admit than that she might be dying. Facts versus feelings. It’s all very complicated.

Anyway, Natsume gets his plan ripped to shreds by Subaru and Sakurano, which is a huge relief, because that means he probably won’t actually be going anywhere (but how dare he even consider it, right? Especially because that plan was stupid and wouldn't have fixed anything). Ruka speaks up, declaring that Aoi shouldn’t be forced to stay at the school, held over Natsume’s head, when she doesn’t even have an alice anymore. This leads to Tono coming up with the idea to out the school as having kept a non-alice in the school against her will, which is very bad PR. (I also find this resolution so lackluster. A newspaper scandal solves this whole issue? What??? …Irrelevant.)

Everyone plays a role in sending out the paper planes, even dying Mikan, in order to liberate Aoi and clear Natsume’s name. In no time at all, their plan pans out and the kids are in the clear (though their actions will bear heavy consequences to come). Mikan watches Natsume and Aoi on the TV, and because her reaction takes a whole sparkly panel, I think it’s noteworthy. 

So apparently these scans aren't just lackluster, they're also out of order! Crim and I were noticing that when she was helping me with translations. In any case, special shout out to Crim for always being so helpful! Without her, these essays would be inaccurate and sorely lacking!

Mostly, I think Mikan is relieved here. Their plan worked, which means Natsume can stay here after all. He won’t be leaving her, which means he can stay by her side for at least a little longer. Whether she can admit it to herself or not, whether she’s even aware of it or not, Mikan is in love with Natsume, and, as a result, the idea of him leaving in any capacity is deeply upsetting to her. Finding out that the plan to keep him here is working is thus a huge relief. 

The chapter ends with Mikan’s condition getting worse and a stone appearing in her hand. Though, to be honest, I think that her condition was “getting worse” because it was peaking before she started getting better. When you’re sick, the bacteria or virus attempts to hurt you from the inside. Most symptoms of sickness--in whatever form--are actually the body’s own defense. A fever is the body’s way of burning the disease. Vomiting is the body’s way of forcefully expelling it. Persona’s alice isn’t a disease in the same way that a virus or bacteria is, but he’s still making her ill, trying to kill her. And her body is fighting back.

So finding out that her fever is spiking is a good thing, because it means her body is fighting even harder to keep her alive. The fact that she first utilizes her stealing alice here is further proof of her fierce desire to live. As a NatsuMikan shipper, I like to believe that her earlier relief at Natsume being able to stay might have given her the last push she needed to fully save herself. There’s no real proof of that, other than the order of events (first we see her watching Natsume on TV, then we see her save herself with a dormant alice she didn’t even know she had), but I’m still inclined to believe it.

Chapter Seventy

I won’t analyze the conversation the others have about Mikan possibly possessing the stealing alice. It’s not relevant to her or to NatsuMikan. I’ll talk more about Mikan, the stealing alice, and her relationship to Yuka later on when it becomes more relevant.

For now, we’re skipping ahead in time to a week later, when Mikan is finally up after a period of healing. Once again, a big adventure “ends safely,” with all her friends (and her!) alive and well. She’s reunited with her classmates and feeling just fine despite Persona’s many attempts to murder her. She and the others aren’t allowed to talk about what happened at the Hanahimeden, though, which is one major downside. Their punishment is being postponed due to a lack of evidence, but that’s just the formal side of things. We know, since we’ve already read this story (presumably? It would be weird if you were getting all your GA info second-hand from me!!) that the ESP is planning on punishing the kids in his own way. 

Must be a miracle.

In any case, today is Aoi’s release day, when she will finally be reunited with her father after almost three long years. Her memories have been fully restored and her blindness has finally been cured (proving once more that Persona was telling her lies in the cage about having to wait until she earned the right to be cured). Aoi sees Mikan for the first time and they share another sweet moment of connection (why couldn’t Aoi have stayed to join Class B??? Grr!!!), where Mikan assures everyone that’s just fine now, though she has no idea how. 

Tono, Hotaru, and Tsubasa have joked to her about her “taking” their alices, references she doesn’t understand. Ultimately, despite what others may think, Mikan regards her recovery as a miracle. I think it makes sense that she would too, since she was able to defeat Persona with the miraculous aid of a ghost (whose presence she certainly felt even if she couldn’t analyze the situation), so why couldn’t that same ghost, or that mysterious woman whose voice she heard, have helped her get better somehow? Mikan is certainly the type to believe in miracles, because Mikan believes in happy endings. If logic and reason or skill and willpower can’t acquire the happy ending, then divine intervention will. She believes that good will prevail. Even now.

Natsume points out that this was supposed to be a small, quiet affair, saying goodbye to Aoi. But everyone wanted to see his little sister, and they also, according to Koko, wanted to know if he was really going to leave with her.

Mikan watches Natsume, suddenly worried all over again. Aoi will be safely returned to her family, but all of Natsume’s actions, including coming to the academy in the first place, were motivated by protecting his sister. If she’s no longer here to be used as a bargaining chip, then will Natsume leave with her, or try to escape somehow? She is genuinely worried that he will say yes, that he will leave after all. And Mikan really doesn’t want that. 

“Is he leaving everyone?”

“Is he leaving us?”

Higuchi Tachibana sticking with this evasiveness of Mikan's when it comes to Natsume (an evasiveness she doesn't have with any other character) is so important, because it makes the moments where she's honest so much more potent. I say this because the Sports Fest is on the horizon...

I don’t know why “us” would be the emphatic after “everyone,” since they refer to the same generalized plural, other than for the exact same reasons I outlined in Chapter Sixty-Nine. When she says “us,” she means “me.” But it’s not easy to admit that she wants him to stay by her side, or, on the other hand, to admit that his leaving would feel like she was personally being left behind. Regardless of what she is or isn’t willing to admit to herself, that’s certainly the concern here.

But he announces to everyone that he’s not leaving. That should be a huge relief because Mikan was genuinely so worried that she’d parted from him, but it’s still not a happy moment, because if he’s not leaving, that means that he won’t be spending anymore time with Aoi, with whom he was only recently reunited. It’s still sad for him, even if Mikan is happy that he won’t be leaving her.

Aoi asks everyone to take care of her brother, voicing gratefulness that she was able to meet everyone. She regrets that she couldn’t be their classmate (and she speaks for me as well, because I have no idea why she couldn’t be! Have her stay! Why even introduce her in the first place if she’s just gonna be written off right away? I don’t get it.). She and their father will make a happy home, where they will be waiting to welcome Natsume so he can have a happy life with them. And then Mikan watches as Natsume, Aoi, and Ruka reunite with their parents. Mikan knows their story, particularly how Natsume never even got a proper goodbye with his father. She is moved to tears by the reunions.

Is it her? I think it's her. Even with her denial, her thoughts are so loving...

There’s someone’s thoughts saying “Natsume, Natsume,” and I can’t help but assume it’s Mikan, who is just happy to see him finally get something good happen to him. He saw his father again, was reunited with his sister, and was finally able to say a proper goodbye to both, after all this time. It feels like a victorious moment, like a win, and for her too. Mikan fought so hard in the Hanahimeden to secure Natsume’s happiness. All she wanted that whole day was for Natsume to finally get what he deserved, for his suffering to cease. It seems like she’s finally achieved her goal. 

She wonders aloud if she’ll see her grandpa soon (sooner than you might imagine, Mikan…), which causes her to panic about the ESP’s postponed punishment. Hotaru tells her that her biggest concern should be to behave from now on, because even the slightest slip up could result in a demotion of star rank, which means Mikan could end up a no star again!

Cute!

Ruka throws his stars away, declaring that he’s now a no-star too. It’s a symbolic gesture--he’s still a triple and will still be treated as such--but he’s simultaneously challenging the stupid hierarchy that chained Natsume down to begin and aligning himself with Mikan to both comfort her and rebel against the school. 

What this means for Mikan is that her situation is different now than it was when she first came to the school. She’s now close friends with all her classmates. They’re all willing to help her out and be on her team. Whatever may come next, she won’t be dealing with it alone. They will be by her side. 

Even Natsume, who’s smiling brightly now just like everyone else.

(So she really did do it, huh? Secure his happiness by reuniting him, however temporarily, with his sister? Or, you know, by being the love of his life. Whatever works!)

Anyway, I said I had notes, and now that the arc is finished I can share. I said at the beginning of this essay that seasons play a meaningful role in Mikan's story. Starting with winter, moving into summer, then tasting the cruel loss of autumn, and now back to winter.

"[W]inter represents sorrow, struggle, and of course death."

Quite obviously, Persona is a clear mirror for the most negative aspects of winter. He threatens to take Natsume away from her, promising loss and loneliness, especially so soon after Mikan realizes just how at place and accepted Natsume makes her feel. Furthermore, his dangerous alice is inherently related to death and decay--when he uses it on Mikan, it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that she will die. Thus, Mikan goes through a struggle of her own, ultimately choosing her friends' safety and Natsume's happiness over her own life, though it's not an easy choice to make. Persona represents the evil school in this arc, too, so Mikan finally understands the school's capacity for malice here, in winter. Though you could argue before that the school was mainly fun and games with the occasional screwup, now the corruption and deceitfulness of the academy are undeniable. Evil is more clear now, especially to Mikan, than ever before.

Additionally, we have Natsume--a lonely, dark, emotionless, sad, evil character. Except, that's not an apt description, is it? This Discovering Natsume arc let us explore his depths. Winter is as much a Natsume season symbolically as you can get, which is why we get his backstory here. Though we--and Mikan--know Natsume better than to trust anything directly on the surface. He, like winter, may appear harsh and cruel and even evil, and Mikan finds herself at odds with him a lot in this season, particularly with his confusing and mysterious motives. But she's misunderstanding him, just as people misunderstand winter. Winter is not evil. it is not cold to cause suffering. It is necessary to face the cold chill of winter in order to meet the warmth of spring. It has to be done, however unpleasant, so winter does it. Similarly, Natsume is cold out of necessity, not sadism. Mikan finally understands that and via this understanding, she's finally able to see just how lonely he's been, how dark and despairing his life has been. There's really no better season for the arc than this.

This arc wraps up the winter season, more or less. The next arc is a transition arc, which means I won't be talking about seasons. Nonetheless, I'll discuss spring during the Sports Fest, summer during the Escape Arc, and then winter again... all in due time.

Conclusion

This arc ended pretty "safely," though there's plenty of questions about the consequences of the kids' actions. What will happen going forward when punishment seems so certain? Who's to say? Additionally, now that Mikan has "discovered" Natsume (though there's more to come), her feelings will start cementing. She already loved him, of course, but it's becoming undeniable, even for her, though she will do her very best.

I take notes on these at work, yes. I ponder a theme and take notes--literary notes. I write little musings or I doodle or I look through random Wikipedia rabbit holes, but I usually play sudoku. Recently I had the idea of learning Japanese so I spent all of my Friday shift practicing hiragana. I made a pretty handy color coded chart that I'm proud of. We'll see how it goes. I want to learn Japanese for many reasons, but I won't lie that one compelling reason is my desire to finally play the GA game I've had for years now that I can't play otherwise.

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[iamhereinthebg]

i just read ur headcanons of the mystery fam and i adore it so much!

but as much as i love fluff and found fam, could i ask for ur angst headcanons about them?

Heyaaaa! first of all I wanna say I am really sorry for taking this much time to answer dshjds

Thank you sm for your asks aaaah I am so glad you like how I write those idiots (affectionate)

Mei is such a queen who doesn't give a fck I love her sm XDD

Here is the first post with the stupid hcs!

Dicslaimer: this is as always, really long x')

And the 'timeline' doesn't make sense, I absolutely don't know how some stuff could be put into the canon timeline so yep accept it doesn't make sense sometimes x'))

And I am really not good to write serious/angsty stuff because I prefer shitpost so idk if that's really angsty or not :00 (and there are still some stupid stuff here too I couldn't stop myself XD)

-Mei once joked that the mystery kids had at least one thing in common and it was having an identity crisis. It hit a little bit too close to home for all of them and they never mentioned it again. 

-Shinigami knows all the people who will die/died in the school. When Sousuke learned that he asked if he was the one who took care of the human Sousuke’s soul and if he talked to him. Hakubo didn’t come out of his boundary for a week and number 3 dropped the subject because he understood the other didn’t know how to answer. 

-Akane and Sousuke have a complicated relationship because Akane knows the other is jealous of him (how can he be human and supernatural at the same time? It’s not fair). Akane has a soft spot for him because he understands how he wants to be human even if only a little. He tries to explain human stuff as best as he can (even if he is pretty terrible at it since he is 12 oops). Sousuke tries to do as many things as humans, it drives his supernatural ‘life’ and it is sometimes really hard to watch how much he tries but can’t interact with anyone or do things like real humans.

Akane realized he actually met the real Mitsuba Sousuke who was the first human he met who was able to see him as a supernatural. He understood really recently that the reason the real Sousuke was able to see him was because he would die soon. 

Number 3 discovered it while looking through a window’s memories once and didn’t talk to Akane for two weeks because he felt betrayed he never told him. Akane managed to apologize for not telling him because he was afraid number 3 would think he talked to him only because he met the human Sousuke.

-Tsuchigomori knew all of the mystery kids before their deaths (or their human counterparts). He decided not to interfere too much because he can’t but still helped the real Mei to continue her art classes when she went into the hospital and was the one who said the photography club would be great for human Sousuke. 

Number 4 knows because she has some of the memories of the previous Mei and Number 3 saw it in the mirrors. They all pretend they don’t know. 

-Tsuchi absolutely hates the fact he doesn’t know what is gonna happen to the other mysteries especially number 3 and 4 since they are supernatural. Akane’s book is pretty much like every other human except for his future which is really really blurry, because of his supernatural status. Some pages are pitch black because he is in between, and Tsuchi absolutely hates that. He hates being unable to do things when he knows what is going to happen, but the others say they prefer him to stay with them rather than disappear.

(I am not sure if mysteries have any books? because maybe here it could be their books (that’s mostly because I think it’s cute Tsuchigomori keep them in his secret place with his yorishiro ahaha))

-When he saw that Akane was chosen to be number 1 he only helped him but from far away (letting him take books about supernaturals to better understand what he was). The first time they interacted was when Akane got sick when he was 13 and he couldn’t go ask any humans since his body doesn’t react the same way (so he would have been placed in a hospital or something like that even for just a cold, since his body reactions are really weird for a normal human). Akane has a low tension and his body is colder than a human’s body. His temperature is around 35° most of the time and he gets super sick because his fever can go up to 39°. Whenever he is sick he goes into a boundary so people don’t realize he isn’t here (because whenever you are in a boundary people forgets you). Akane was mad af to see that someone had been watching him, knowing he didn’t know if he was going absolutely crazy for a year because he could see stuff no one else could see and didn’t do anything to help him. He understood much later why Tsuchi couldn’t do anything and that he was the one helping him from far away.

-Yako has those bad  moods where she doesn’t want to talk to anybody around the date of Misaki’s death, they let her be most of the time. Mei is the one who is the most approachable around Shijima Mei’s date of death and they never guessed when Hanako died because he never changes his behavior most of the time. 

-Number 3 likes to be called Sousuke by the other mysteries (because humans have two names! He wants two names too!) Sometimes he doesn’t feel like being called that way, (especially around human Sousuke’s date of death) as he is only a ‘cheap copy’ of the real Mitsuba Sousuke, so he stays with Mitsuba or number 3 if he feels really bad. The others respect this and Mei proposed him to call her Number 4 when he is in those moods so he isn’t alone. 

He refuses to see Akane during those periods most of the time (his jealousy can be really strong towards him). Akane pretends he isn’t really hurt by this but number 4 always ends up telling nicely to number 3 that the redhead didn’t choose to be this way either. Number 3 ends up giving him something he tried to cook alone or invites him to chill in his boundary with only the two of them.

-Number 3 and 4 have a really strong bond. Even if number 4 doesn’t really see herself in the human Mei she knows she still has a part of her soul in her and number 3 knows she is the one who understands his worries the most. She listens to him when he is talking about becoming humans even if they both know it can’t come true. He has a little mirror in her boundary he can use to come whenever he wants.  

-Sousuke absolutely HATES the fact that Mei doesn’t mind disappearing at all. She never wanted to be a mystery when he wanted to be one so much. She kinda knows now she has some reasons to stay and had to tell Sousuke several times that no she wasn’t going to disappear now. 

-Number 3 actually thinks a lot of what the real Sousuke's mom would think of him. (He saw her in a mirror because she went for student orientation days) He is really jealous of Sousuke because of this too but he is absolutely afraid to imagine if his mom knew a 'monster' has her son's apparence.

-Number 4 is really sensitive when talking about Mei mostly because she thinks she doesn't deserve to be her creation and that she stained her memory a lot. She tries to be more proud of what human Mei decided for her now.

-Mei has operation marks under her uniform because human Mei had some and drew them on her drawing. She doesn’t mind people seeing them at all , contrary to Hanako who always wears tons of layers to hide his scars.

-In terms of pain resistance, Mei doesn’t feel anything, Hanako is pretty careful with wounds and Sousuke is scared of anything which could hurt him. Their main problem is Akane who absolutely doesn’t give a fck about his injuries because he has a high pain resistance . They often have to tell him that no he doesn’t have to go into suicide mode for them and protect them from everything because if he is badly hurt he will DIE contrary to the others. That’s something he is still working on (accepting to see the others getting hurt for him, because they can’t die as easily as him). Mei is actually the one who goes the most suicide mode most of the time, using her power way too much and ending up being nearly powerless for some days after. 

-Number 4 can create a lot of clones and has to put a bit of her personality in each of them. If she creates too much for something once she gets rid of them she is sometimes unable to show any emotions for a week. She never deleted the ‘bad’ clone which is only just a brush and is the one who she uses the most. She knows this brush is one of her earliest clone she created before going crazy to try to save Mei, so the brush’s opinion is kinda important to her; (it’s like a good voice she hears in the back of her head when she is trying to do something stupid) 

-Even if Hanako pretends to always smile and jokes he is definitely the edgiest of the mystery kids. They don’t annoy him when he is in one of ‘those moods’. He feels like he is not loved at all by the others and Tsuchi often has to tell him that they just are very wary of him and if he opened up a little bit more it would be okay. (and that he loves him *sobs*) That they still love him but would like to understand him more.

-When Hanako refuses to assume his role as Hanako-san sometimes (especially at the beginning) his body starts to be really transparent with a wound around his stomach. It is when he feels too human. It hasn’t happened to him for a long time now since he doesn’t recognize himself in Amane Yugi. Hanako was human once but has lost most of his connections with humans because he has been a mystery for a long time, he doesn’t know what is left of Amane Yugi. He has a really really hard time to learn things or to change his mind because he isn’t growing up anymore and it drives him crazy especially because he knows that he used to remember everything quickly when he was human.

-When Akane started spending more and more time with the mysteries, Tsuchigomori had to remind the other mystery kids to take it easy on it and to let him time to sleep (now they are the ones who force him to go to sleep most of the time). Even if his body can go a whole week without sleeping or eating (but that’s really the maximum and if he does this he is gonna have to push himself a lot. He never went a whole week like this; his maximum was 4 days.)

 -Sousuke goes to see Hanako during class time sometimes and they play games together (Hanafuda most of the time) They get along okay and can accept each other's company. Sometimes, Hanako teases him about the fact he does things to imitate humans (like sleeping or eating) and Sousuke always tells him how much of a hypocrite he is and that’s why no one wants to stay too long with him. When Number 3 gets really mad at Hanako’s teasing (he uses it to say a lot of things that are not really nice) he calls him Amane-senpai and that makes him shut up and hides in his boundary right away. They rarely apologize orally but go back to normal some days after, accepting they both went too far but too prideful to say they were wrong.

-No one talks about the time when Akane will leave. 

-One day Sousuke went to see Tuschi nearly crying, to apologize because he saw in the mirrors that he used to be friends with the old number 3. Tsuchigomori had to tell him several times that he didn’t hate him at all because of this (Tsuchi would die for all of them) and that he knows it’s not his fault the old bird died. 

-Mirai is not allowed to go out of the boundary. Akane doesn’t really know why except for her causing some ruckus she isn’t that bad. Especially because the youngest doesn’t seem to understand what is sad about her situation, because she is always happy to have someone ‘escort’ her everywhere she goes (when they are here to prevent her from doing anything.) Akane will learn later that it’s because she used to ‘kill’ students on accident (because she didn’t control her powers entirely or at least didn't see the problem in doing this) with moving their time too much forward and even if Kako can turn back time it is really difficult to do when the person is dead and just… a pile of dust and the kids who went through this will always be more fragile after. 

(absolutely random doodles lemme just drop them idk when I will ever show them otherwise)

-All mysteries have a hard time to taste things. Mostly Mei because she is at first made from paper. Everything she creates also has a paper texture/taste if she can't get a good idea of it.

-Akane once decided to go see the graves of Sousuke Mitsuba and Mei Shijima to put flowers on it (because the others clearly wanted to do something during obon but can’t leave the school (the only other place Mei can go is the hospital and she didn’t go for a long time because why would she?) Tsuchi definitely tagged along with the most ridiculous excuse ever. Akane was unable to go see Hanako’s because he refused to tell him his real name. (and he knows the other two know it, he is kinda jealous and doesn’t feel included because of what they lived during the perfect picture arc sometimes. He is also the only one not knowing who Tsukasa is) He realized later because Tsuchigomori told him not directly, it’s because Hanako doesn’t have a grave. He once came across Mitsuba’s mother and had to lie about his connection to him, saying he was his senpai and just went to check the students’ graves because it’s his job as the vice president (full bullshit Akane, well done)

-Tsuchigomori is the one the most used to change the rumor/keep them okay (he tells them to his students) and Akane is the second option among the mysteries (he tells them to Aoi indirectly, he hates to do this but he knows he has no choice sometimes.) Akane knows the clock keepers rumor is the one which has changed the least since he is here (and maybe even before) and he understood it’s because of him. He didn’t ask why though. They are all using Nene a lot to change the rumors if anything happen. 

-Yako, Tsuchigomori and Hakubo often go to see Kako to have ‘adult meetings’ because they are the most responsible mysteries and also think that the others can spend more time having fun, it wouldn’t hurt.

-Hakubo never talks about Sumire and Yako often goes to see him when he is even more quiet than usual and will force him to go out of his boundary to go see the garden and annoy the Kodama tree (who is really easy to annoy). 

-Tsuchigomori, Yako and Kako are trying to find a hobby for Hakubo because he doesn't know what to do without having orders. (He usually listens mostly to Kako and then Hanako). Akane hates him with his whole being and the others kids are not super fan of him at first. Even if he doesn't say anything, the others 'adults' can say that he would love to be a little bit more expressive and loved by every mysteries.

-When any of them fight, it’s dirty, like really. They are supernatural. They will stand their ground because they think they are right and think they definitely know what is better for others. Accusations can be really violent and some of them can even stop talking to each other for weeks. They rarely forgive the others, they just know they will have to work together again at one point and that they still care for them in the end. It is really hard to make them change their minds, especially between each other. Humans are the ones who are able to change their minds at least a little. Akane is known for being stubborn but he met the mysteries and realized that maybe he was okay? 

That's all for now! I remember having more but I can't remember exactly what rn ahah I have no idea if this angtsy or not I am pretty bad at this ahah I just do know it's less funny thant the others hcs :'DDD

hope you will like them yay

[yukarinuniversaltraveler]

An extremely long life update

Copy-pasted from a news post on my Newgrounds page: https://yukarinladyboss495.newgrounds.com/news/post/1381639

Hey, so I just kinda disappeared out of nowhere with only a vague comment about going on a hiatus but never making any "official announcement" about it. So here I am, just tryna get y'all up to speed with what's been going through my life. Nothin' much, but still quite a lot, so when I make a comeback to all art places, I'm gonna have to do some heavy rework of all my social media to make sure everything's up to date, since many things are very outdated.

So first off, the reason why I went on this hiatus was because of the heavy burnout and a lot of pressure that I was putting on myself, on top of being very emotionally unstable due to gruesome things happening in my life (cutting ties with "friends" that manipulated me, feeling awful about myself, my art, and everything I do, added to having an overall bad luck strike for some months, where it seemed like I could not do a single thing right without messing up five in the process), so I was forcing myself to draw to exhaustion just to keep doing something, so I wouldn't have an anxiety attack. But I just couldn't keep on doing that, which is why I decided to stop producing art for most of this year.

The emphasis is on the word "producing". I'm still making and creating new art, but putting less and less effort into it, and just drawing anything I felt like at the moment, mostly just pencil sketches that I posted on my Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr, and refraining from creating digital art.

It's worked wonders on my psyche, and with every week that went by, I began to "fall in love" again with drawing. I still do not plan to return to making art "seriously", but when I do, I definitely will change the way I produce art, so I can still find the art process enjoyable without putting too much "unnecesarily pointless" effort into it. Some of the sketches I made got a lot of likes and attention, easily putting the rest of my artworks to shame! So yeah, there's that.

The second reason is that since I am a person who just-so happens to be and live in Venezuela, my Paypal account got terminated when I received a very much needed donation, and now I cannot accept support from anyone until I can find a suitable replacement to use that is not Paypal. This means that I am no longer taking commissions(not that I ever got any commissions to begin with), and my Ko-Fi account has donations turned off, essentially locking away all the exclusive content that was uploaded there. Then I watched that Duchess Celestia video where she talked about Ko-Fi's lack of security and how she lost a lot of money, so it's safe to say that I will quit using Ko-Fi altogether. I'm planning to migrate all my content to Patreon so my content is still available for, idk, some lost wandering soul that sends me money probably by mistake, but till then, all of my more recent artworks are banished to the Shadow Realm.

The third reason is that my ol' dinosaur PC is finally gonna get upgraded to 64 bits, so I had to do the tiresome task of making backups of everything I had on it, using only one 23 GB USB drive. Because of that, I couldn't make any digital art even if I wanted to, because I do not have the program to do it, so yeah, if anything, I'd call that a win. That said, once my PC is fully functional again, THAT is when I will be able to produce digital art normally again, so my hiatus will go on a little longer after I feel fully "recovered".

That, in a nutshell, is why I went on this massive hiatus, and let me tell ya, hiatuses are underrated! I know y'all who live off of art have your brains consumed by hustle culture and wouldn't take a break even if your working hand fell off your arm, but as someone who never had art as a career option, taking this time off was the best thing I could ever do. I feel rejuvenated! I'm starting to enjoy things again! I'm happier! I'm exploring new things and rediscovering things that I'd forgotten about or left behind!

I am much better now!

So yeah what I'm trying to say, is that this perception of taking a break as something bad that has to be avoided, and more like a positive thing, seriously! People gotta stop focusing on those silly Twitter numbers and start focusing more on their health and well-being!

"Yeah but it's not that simple, some of us need to make art for a living", brother, I am not looking for a debate, please do not try to reply with this, because I will ignore you. I am in the right, and so are you. Let's just agree to disagree, and move on with our lives, okay?

And that would be it! Just dropping by to let y'all know that I'm still breathing, that I haven't given up on Newgrounds, and that hopefully soon I will return with more art and better than ever!

As my favorite FNaF character would say, I always come back. ;)

Be seein' ya!

[purplekoop]

Forgot to mention that among my projects I haven't talked about here yet (which... okay that list includes War Bots and that's it, so not a lot yet) is a platform fighter starring a cast of monsterish or otherwise creepy characters, Darkworld Showdown.

The idea started around late 2018 as a simple collection of basic original characters designed for a smash-like context. There wasn't really any theme or anything tying them all together, so I just went with the idea that they were all from different whacky planets. As a result, the game was called "Worlds Showdown", implying the whole thing was a... well, showdown between worlds. The two characters I clearly remember from this time were a pirate monkey and a sort of cannon robot. I also had the idea that the game could be 2v2-based (eat your heart out Multiversus), so the characters had specific moves that interacted with teammates. The pirate monkey could ride on a teammate's back and shoot their pistol freely, while the cannon robot would be able to fire a teammate as a projectile. There were some other concepts that were less defined, like a space jester who could place a static orb as a hazard on the map, or a martial arts girl who looks relatively unimpressive at first, but then powers up to a form even beefier than your average traditional fighter mascot man.

As I made more characters though, I began to realize more and more that there wasn't anything holding it together, and the concept suffered as a result. Characters would have a somewhat unique concept or characteristic, but nothing really tying the game together thematically to make it stand out from any other fighter with a cast of whacky original characters. What I needed was that theme to give the game an identity.

So then I stumbled on a video that introduced me to Darkstalkers, a game I'd primarily heard mostly in passing and in crossovers like Marvel vs Capcom. For the unfamiliar, Darkstalkers is a traditional fighting game from the same company behind Street Fighter, starring a cast of monsters and other supernatural beings, such as the poster girl succubus Morrigan, or just. A thing called Sasquatch. The characters have notably whackier movesets than what was the norm at the time, and there were other mechanics like air dashes that would become a recurring staple of the genre. While the series hasn't had a new entry since the late 90s, it's lived on in both its appearances in other Capcom games and in Skullgirls, an indie project that serves as a spiritual successor, featuring similar character theming and taking heavy inspiration from its mechanics.

I only just played the game myself recently, but back then all I needed was that basic hook.

Monsters. Creatures. Other creepy dudes. That's what this idea needs.

So the name got a simple upgrade from Worlds Showdown to the marginally less generic-sounding Darkworld Showdown as an homage to the game that gave the little push of inspiration that made this project one that I want to see through.

The basic story is pretty simple: Earth gets plunged by an unknown force into a perpetual night, and all the supernatural forces previously lurking in the shadows have come out to play. Demons, vampires, and all manner of other creatures are unleashed, while the world tries to reconcile with the unending darkness.

Seeking to end this eternal night, a secret government organization tasked with keeping the paranormal in check tries to find whatever the cause of the darkness, codenamed the "Darkworld Trigger", and put a stop to it. The leader of the organization is Miss Reil, whose day job is being a famed horror film director, and she's not above using the resources of her organization to make her movies more exciting. She acts as the game's announcer, and the framing of the game is all based around cheesy old horror movies, with the playable roster all being the star creatures to the features.

I'll post more about this one whenever I'm randomly in the mood for it. Y'know how it is, motivations come and go. Expecting to be a little distracted starting tomorrow. I have some designs already made for this project, but it's been so long since I did new art for it that I'll probably refrain from posting unless I've got something that still holds up or I do something new.

[riverm00n]

Hello there!

My name is River Moon, but call me River. My first language isn't English, sorry for the errors.

I started university so I have no idea how much time I will have to anything.

~ ☆ ~

I have some side blogs I promised to show you (for anyone who follows me and reads my tags under the reblogged posts lol).

Sideblogs I have:

1. Currently I have 2 blogs just for reblogs:

Transformers themed (just stuff about tf): @bleeeeeeed

Team Fortress 2 themed (just stuff about tf2): @bl7ed

2. I have one blog for the doodles I do: @riverm00ndraws

3. And I have this, wich is mostly Good Omens reblogs, but there are art reblogs and.. I dunno its just a little bit messy: @andsuddenlytherewasme

The tags I use:

What I really like: #!!! <3

When im talking: #riverm00n talks

#special tag

#important

That's all for now..

~ ☆ ~

Umm, I dont really talk about myself (so it is hard for me), but if you wanna know me a tiny bit more, then its under the cut.

I have 4 cats and I absolutely love them. One family (and hunting) dog. And some chikens with one goose. I love all of them very much!

I am terrible with plants, really. I destroy them with my kindness.

I rarely draw but I'm trying, I really am. I'm just really afraid of being judged. So if I get even just a like I get so so so happy!

I love to chat, talk, text anything! But I am bad in starting a conversation. I like better when the people are taking the first step to reach out for me (I think everyone is like with this). Because if I do I'm afraid that I only disturb them.. and I think I just realized that I might have problems with rejection. Oh wow

I talk sometimes (a lot) in the tags.

I feel like I don't know myself. Everywhere I read and hear these things that "no one is know you better than yourself" and I'm standing there like "wow, you are not helping at all".

I play games, mostly on pc. Resently I try to find some time to play Batman Arkham City (I have the others too, and I already finished Batman Arkham Asylum story mode and I like to go in order). I'm waiting for Hollow Knight Silksong to come out, yes I played Hollow Knight and its a beautiful game and I just coudnt finish the whole game because I stopped playing (maybe because of school) and its really hard to get in back. I also play Dead Cells and I am really excited for the series!! (I could rant about games for so long so I might just stop here.................. Don't Starve, Stardew Valley, Aragami, Dark Souls, Undertale and Delatarune, Terraria!!!)

I love books! Will I read them? Yes; when I won't find any more fanfics to read. Oh gosh I love reading so much!

I love music as well, I cannot really say a specific genre but my favorite musician right now is TheFatRat (and favorite music from him is Close to the Sun).

I usually leave projects. I don't always finish what I start. This can be a book, drawing, series or a movie.

I am really forgetful, I just know I forget to say something, but if you wanna know even more about me I will gladly text back, so just write in private, send an ask (I turned on Anonymus asks because I like to use that too lol) or anything you want.

This is enough so far, I think. I may edit this in the future, if something changes.

[killmeifimwrongblog]

Sooooooo I don't normally post much on here because I am mostly private with my opinions, but... Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles had me hypnotized for about three months now, and since then, I have consumed every morsel of content I could get on them like a ravenous wolf.

Now one of the things that had most of my attention were the AUs where peepaw Leo comes back to the past with Casey.... like omo, wmas, mnmc, etc. and I've been having thoughts on that myself ... thoughts I need to get out somewhere or my head is going to explode ... so now you will have to deal with that sorry.

Anyway... I am not a writer

I am not a good writer so there won't be any fanfiction for my ... let's call it AU ... because I'm not good at English since I'm from Germany so you will probably only get this giant, incoherent block of text from me and maybe some art (which I'm also not good at) 😐

Sooo here goes ... my idea was kinda 29 year old leonardo, who is still adjusting to a robot arm that he had for about a year and just lost his twin brother two weeks ago, gets sent back into the past by Mikey.

It wasn't some grand bid for peace or freedom from the Krang, it also wasn't a last-ditch effort for salvation at least not yet ... simply said it was selfishness on Mikey's part.

He had just lost his second brother to this war and was still reeling, when the bunker, the resistance had taken over, was attacked.

And Mikey.... well he had enough!

He felt for Leo's ninpo, which was rapidly closing in on him, and made his decision then and there. He refused to lose another brother.

Donatello and he had talked about it often ... the possibilities of time travel, the intricacies, anything and everything that could go wrong, and even who would be a good candidate to go.

Mikey knew it would cost him everything, he also knew Leo would hate himself for not seeing Mikey's struggles and not doing anything about them but it had to be done. He had to do something.

Because he could feel it ... the earth was being drained of all of its resources and even if they won, even if they were lucky enough to beat the Krang... the earth was dying and nobody knew if it would be able to sustain the survivors.

So he started the ritual to open a time gate. He needed to do it before Leonardo arrived at his room because if he let him speak if he let him say even one word he knew he would falter knew he would let himself be persuaded to stop and think about it, and then it would be already too late.

He couldn't let that happen, couldn't let Leonardo be a voice of "reason" or they would lose.

So when Leo stepped into the room trying to get Mikey to move, he was met with the sight of his brother glowing like a supernova and falling apart at the seams.

Then one of Mikey's chains wrapped around him and before he could make even one sound he was flung into the portal that was coming into existence behind Mikey.

The last thing he sees is his little brother disintegrating, disappearing in an explosion of glowing particles. His only thoughts being:

No, please, not again not him I don't want to be alone.

But Mikey was gone and Leo was hurtling through the colorful space of the space-time continuum at increasingly faster speeds.

What Mikey hadn't anticipated though was Leo carrying 6-year-old Casey junior, in a sling made out of his scarf, bound to the front of his plastron.

That little mistake made a really big difference in where and when he was about to land. So curled protectively around little Casey he shot out of the time stream, landing uncomfortably on his back ... somewhere.

After getting some air back into his lungs and making sure Casey was unharmed he started to look around trying to find something to find out where exactly he was and thaaat's the statute of liberty ... so New York okay, cool they had taken over a military bunker somewhere in North Dakota but now he was back in New York which did not make sense since the last time he had seen New York it looked like a warzone and the statue of liberty didn't have a head and everything was covered in pink, gooey krang stuff.

Yet here he was in New York clean and loud and as bustling as ever.

Leo was losing his mind without thinking he went out of the alleyway, he had landed in, to the next best kiosk he could find ignoring the stare and the gasps from the pedestrians around him he grabbed the next best newsletter and stared dumbfounded at the date 6th of September 2008.

Yeah and that's it for now 🤷🏻‍♀️

[thatoneguy031]

Can I talk about something? Out of character, I mean.

It's a long post, but you don't have to read it if you're not interested. It's more of a vent post than anything else.

I've been having a hard time with this blog. Not in the popularity sense, this is what I expected from this kind of thing. I mean like... I don't know what to do with it. I've experimented with a few things(You can go way back in my post history if you want to see what I mean), but those ideas sorta fell flat, no?

This was originally meant to be a storytelling blog. I wanted to share my little synopses of my characters and plot points or whatever, because I was genuinely proud of what I've done so far.

Then I resorted to trying to be a comedian. I would try to post something funny under most reblogs, leaving them be if I couldn't come up with a remark of any kind.

It wasn't until recently that I decided to turn this into a Pokemon IRL blog, and I'm not even doing that well with this. That, and I'm afraid that I come off as self-centered, so I cut any posts that give that kind of vibe. Heck, I even tried doing a playthrough series, but I keep forgetting about it, and when I do remember that it exists, I just postpone the next update to oblivion.

I really want to keep this blog going, and trust me when I say I'm going to, but it's not going anywhere, and I feel like nothing is happening. At first, I thought it was just Tumblr having boring days, but I realized that I'm just not doing anything entertaining. My blog just turned into a pool of reblogs with the occasional Pokemon-related post or rant. And I mostly wait for either @the-one-from-dres or @drizzileiscool to bring up the occasional topic that I might have enough insight to talk about. Sorry for @'ing you guys, by the way, I just need folks to know who I'm talking about. Y'all the goats.

Once I got my drawing tablet, I thought that I could do a bunch of art stuff, but then it devolved into the same potential self-obsession problem, where I would just draw that one character(which is literally just a Samurott with anxiety and a Goku complex, let's be honest with ourselves here) over and over again. I have other characters I can draw, and I'm even taking free art requests. Granted, I haven't gotten any requests yet, but the option was still there.

And that's how we got here. I have to retake my Regents in literally under 24 hours, and I'm bitching and moaning about how I'm not getting anywhere in my ha-ha internet blog, which everyone already takes as a joke anyway.

If anything, I think my problem comes from a lack of communication. There was this like, 4 day period that I didn't hear a word from Dres, and I thought he hated me for something I did, until he involved me in 3 back-to-back reblog games literally the next day.

I still feel awful about it now, it was so petty of me to even think that way. For context, Dres might as well be my day one, and he's inadvertently taught me the ins and outs of Tumblr, like how to use tags and things like that. Hell, we even played DnD together once. No exaggeration, he's the closest thing I've had to a real friend in years, and I'm convinced that's only the case because he hasn't seen me in person.

I love him deeply, and only wish the best for him. To think that he'd leave me after I did basically nothing, I've really hit a new level of desperate. He likely had his own things to do, while I'm still stressing about things that probably don't even matter in hindsight.

Back to my original point, I want to do a lot more on this blog, and I also wanted to make it a chill place.

That's one of the reasons why I don't talk about politics myself. I don't want to get involved in things like that at all, because I want people to live without worry. The furthest I go with that kind of thing is "Stop being dicks to each other. We're people, deal with it." I know it's more complicated than that, but at this point, I'm almost scared to get involved in that kind of thing. I don't even know what a terf is. I didn't know Rowling was a bad person until recently when Drizzile was talking about her.

And it's like, I don't even know why it's so hard to talk to people for me. But at the same time, I think I really have something wrong with me, but I'm too scared to get it checked out. And, while I'm not getting into personal details, I don't have the right circumstances to even have that happen in the first place. That's the out of character reason why I say I might have ADHD, instead of outright saying I have it. I literally can't get it diagnosed myself if I wanted to, and I don't do the self-diagnosis stuff because I always get paranoid and think my problem is worse than it is. For example, I've convinced myself three times within the past year and a half that I had appendicitis, because I would get this really specific pain in my stomach. Guess who I told about it?

No one. I was terrified of wasting someone's time just for it to be me freaking out over nothing, and if I'm being honest, I still am. At this point, I have a plethora of things wrong with me, I know that now, but I don't ever get them checked out. I'm doing well so far with them, why worry about it now.

I just don't want to offend anyone. All I wanted to do was make a place where I and other people could have fun.

This is still going to primarily be a Pokemon IRL blog, but I'm doing something different. Please, if there's anything you all want to see on here, let me know. Stuff for Guy, art stuff, whatever floats your boat besides the obvious. And I'll do my best to keep up with my stories and fanfics or whatever. Once I get my stuff settled again, obviously, but I don't want to make it seem like I'm doing this for myself.

I don't want to turn this into a pity party. I really don't. At this point, I'm sick of having people worry about me. Whenever they do, I feel like I'm being an attention hog, and it sucks. If you did read this, thanks for listening. I just needed to get this much off my chest.

[smooth-and-skeletal]

Updated: July 13th, 2023 Hey. You can call me Saph. I have ADHD and dyslexia and I’m autistic. These things are relevant because they make me who I am and/or affect the way you may see me type. I am extremely prone to strange typos, if something doesn’t make sense, ask for clarification.

I’m bad at introductions but I’m very good at answering questions so if you want to know something, ask.

MINORS DNI. Do not speak to me, do not look at me. I’m not a minor, I am not for minors and neither this is blog. Be gone or I will block you.

Don’t anticipate many posts from me, but all will be tagged with “expatiate”.

This blog is mostly for reposting art from artists I adore (#isn't it lovely), reposting funny text posts (#word) and tagging posts that remind me of my vast amount of OCs and/or appease kinks I like. OC shit will be tagged by name. Kinks may or may not be tagged, but I’m sure it’ll be self-explanatory. I’m not into many fandoms at all (literally just Teen Wolf and Hannibal), but those will be tagged as well. I am also notorious for talking in the tags.

Speaking of OCs, if you’re looking for something to roleplay and/or discuss stories/characters send me a dm and I’ll drop my discord. I’m a huge fan of worldbuilding, character creation and putting my OCs through horrible tragedies with some kinky sex as a treat. I’ve been roleplaying for years.

Not really much to add. Don’t really expect anyone to ever read this, just thought I might add it. I do love questions though, so if someone does read this, shoot one my way.

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Lies, after a bit more time I decided to add more information. (I don’t reorganize the post because I like thinks to be rewritten in the order I thought of them)

I am a gnc black demi lesbian who uses he/him pronouns. The best way to describe my gender is non-binary as how I refer to myself depends on mood. I do prefer to be addressed masc terms when referring to my person, but i’m not against fem compliments. I am a switch/verse. And I mean completely verse with no real tendency to lean one way or the other. It all depends on mood and whatever potential partner I encounter. I am capable pretty much anything you can think of, the right buttons must be pressed.

I’m not exactly uncomfortable with flirting, but I don’t guarantee a flirty response. Despite blog appearances, I have to be in a very specific mood to flirt/sext. So do so with the understanding that you may not get an immediate response or possibly not one at all. Don’t let that stop you! Or do, idc.

I feel that this is obvious, but ofc, you don’t know me, so to be clear, frank and succinct, I do not tolerate any sort of bigotry. I block without hesitation for any reason I deem fit, but especially if you’re an asshole, a bigot, a creep, or a minor. I am uncomfortable with cishet men, but I will not block for that reason alone. But nothing here is really meant for you.

My kinks are all over the place and ever-growing so it’s easier to list things I have no interest in (subject to change, as in this list may grow):

scat/piss/vomit (not in any capacity)

bloodplay (irl,; it’s fine as a concept)

knifeplay (irl; it’s fine as a concept)

ddlg (just does nothing for me, a small ick)

ageplay (not in any capacity)

violence (irl; it’s fine as a concept)

cnc (irl; it’s fine as a concept)

rape (absolutely not)

master/slave (absolutely not)

pet play [like actually pretending to be a dog; pet names and such are fine] (not in any capacity)

Anything not listened here is fair game, within reason. But to be honest I could have missed some or forgotten. If it involves anything I’ve mentioned being against, it’s a hard no. Ask for clarification if necessary.

Also, when I say something is fine as a concept I mean I’d read a post, fic, story about or involving in and itself fine, but it’s not something I’d want to actually participate in.

I think that’s all I have? Seriously, just ask if there are any questions, I am an open book, if prodded.

[nightroo]

May or may not have forgotten what I posted here myself months ago so the last post had a few repeats. oops.

Well I know for sure this one won’t because I stopped posting when I started the second semester, which is what this post is about. So the drawing above is the start of working with more complex shapes, using the ones we learned from last semester. This is also where things got interesting, since I could see the potential for architectural drawings.

There are a lot, and I mean A LOT of drawings like these in my sketchbook, I’m gonna show you only the ones I find interesting.

After that we went back a bit for cast shadows, which I have decided are my new mortal enemy in art. A long time ago it was rendering hair, but that’s nothing compared to this.

The amount of calculations you need to do for this and the different formulas for each shape make me wanna rip my hair off. And that’s before getting into more complex shapes.

They're not 100% correct but my teacher said the majority of people won’t notice anything wrong so I shouldn’t worry about it. I won’t until I need it for a personal project, then I’ll get very annoyed again.

After that nightmare I got rewarded with finally using colors to render for the first time!!! I love rendering with colors so I was very excited haha

The copper (right middle sphere) is my absolute favorite, and my teacher really liked it as well.

We also had a small lecture on arrows and ribbons/fabric and we got to render them with colors as well.

For all the colored drawings I used a combination of alcohol markers and colored pencils. The markers melted and blended the pencils and I could use this to mix colors I didn't have. For example, I didn’t have a red marker at all.

After that we had a fun exercise where we needed to either study an object or design our own. The purpose was to use the previous lessons about shapes in perspective, and the rendering of different materials. I went with a gun design, but not just any gun-this one is technically 3 guns, a pistol and an SMG that you can connect and form an assault rifle. So I designed each gun separately (somehow I managed to turn this exercise to designing 3 objects instead of one, leave it to me to make it harder on myself lmao), and thought about how they connect, making sure the chambers kinda align and stuff like that.

I don’t wanna brag but I got the highest grade in the class for this assignment. Mostly because I’m the only one that actually rendered the different materials (or tried to), but also because my teacher liked the idea and thought it was interesting, and something people would actually buy if it was real.

It’s not the best but I literally didn’t have a grey marker so I was pretty limited. I chose a stained-glass theme for some reason, I didn’t want to make it a normal looking gun. The scan made it a bit more contrast-y than it is irl.

After a huge break we came back and had one lesson of silhouettes, something I kinda knew but never went out and made studies of. The challenging part of this was the time limit, at the start we had a minute, but it went down to 30 seconds. We were allowed to go overtime but it wasn't considered good.

On the same lesson, we also had life drawing, using each other as models. We had to get the pose down in one minute, and then take that as a reference for a more detailed drawing. I chose to completely change the context at that point lol

The next lesson was about isometric perspective. I don’t think I’ve actually talked about this here, but I got scammed by a guy who asked me to make him a city island in isometric perspective, then when it came time to pay, he “took a vacation” for two weeks. Came back to tell me he’s definitely gonna pay me. Proceeded to disappear. Anyways I haven’t done isometric from that moment until this lesson, where we were given a prompt word and had to draw an environment following it. I used only colored pencils for this one because I forgot to bring my markers, but it was a nice restriction to only use 12 colors and try to combine them to make the rest. I really enjoyed this one since I got the freedom to make something cool.

(the prompts are top-to-bottom forest, COVID-19, underwater and space) my teacher walked up to my desk to see what I’m doing while I worked on the space one, and he said “you are crazy” every time he passed by. He showed everyone’s work around, and a lot of people liked mine :) The space one is based on a black hole btw, but if it was an eldritch horror.

The last lesson was a time for the teacher to review everyone’s work one by one, so most of the time we were waiting for our turn. He put up a pic of an old camera if any of us wanted to draw it, but I used it as a reference for a building because it reminded me of art deco architecture. After finishing that, I had an idea for a shrine kind of place, inspired by a spot I built for a friend’s minecraft server that we didn’t end up using. And I topped it off with Lykena and Eivrun sketches (that for Eivrun might turn into a full painting when it’s her turn)

The entire year my teacher was occasionally asking me if I’m not getting bored, because we were going through a lot of basics I was obviously proficient at already, but I always found something new to learn, no matter how small, even on topics I practiced a lot before. So I’d say this workshop was very useful for me. And besides, it’s always good to get critiques from a professional, and from people who are interested in art.

[nancypullen]

Annnd I’m Back

I may have mentioned that the mister took a quick trip down to visit his mother and siblings, I’m flying down to see my mom in March so I didn’t tag along on this trip.  I still have sticker shock from buying my March ticket.  Granted, I’m flying into a small airport but if I’d left from Nashville the price would have been just under $200, leaving from Baltimore (same carrier)  was almost triple that. Ugh.  I’m still going through Atlanta so it’s not like I was able to book a nifty non-stop. It is what it is. Just seems like a rip-off, and I’m in denial about things like longer trip, added fuel costs,etc.  It’s not that much longer.  Anywayyyyy, enough beefing about that.  While Mickey was out of town I unplugged.  I ignored news, social media (mostly) and even email.  I lost myself in arts and crafts, reading, and watched a lot of Ina Garten.  It was soothing.  I forgot about the crazy world and just existed in my happy bubble.  Sure, I could do a lot of that when my spouse is home - but it’s lovelier to do it with no timetable.  I could skip making meals because if I wasn’t hungry it didn’t matter. I’ve been worrying about everyone’s meal schedule but my own since I was eighteen. Turns out I really only get hungry about once a day. I might be onto something here.  Oh sure, you could say that just because I cooked for someone else doesn’t mean I have to sit down and eat it too.  Get outta’ here with that crazy talk. I could waste away to normal doing that.  Most of my meals looked like this - roasted green beans, brown butter carrots from the crockpot, and a dab of garlic aioli to dip those beans in.  Healthy-ish.

Moving on to the crafty part of my week - some of it was practical and some of it was frivolous. I happen to think that frivolity is a necessary part of life.  The practical side of things had to do with that big ol’ trunk I bought a couple weeks ago. It sits under the double windows in the master bedroom (I’ve been told that’s politically incorrect and it should be primary bedroom).  That’s the perfect spot for it but it blocks a heating/cooling vent.  I figured all it needed was a little lift.  I found some wooden legs, not quite as big and squatty as I wanted, but I’m a fan of using what’s available.  I called upon my old friend spray paint...

and in no time that trunk was raised just to window height (the cats love it) and air was once again flowing freely.

I wonder where that trunk has been and what it has held - wish it could talk! My next project was equally as easy, and involved tea cups. There’s an auction house in Denton, Trice Auctions, and you can buy anything from tea cups to a dump truck there.  I opted for the cups.  Trice is a company that handles mostly estate sales. Every week they post a variety of goods and you can bid from the comfort of your home and pick up your winnings the following day. I tend to get excited over furniture and dishes (McCoy bowls, Fire King Jadeite, etc) and my picks usually close at a higher price than I’m willing to pay.  Nice to know I have good taste though. I’ve purchased some gorgeous frames - a grouping of three for TWO DOLLARS, and some beautiful tea cups and saucers. The cups and saucers came in at about two dollars a set, so I spent something like eight or nine dollars on those.  I’m turning them into pretty bird feeders. Anything is possible with Gorilla Glue.

I’d ordered a set of plant stakes from Amazon - the type that support large plants, I chose some that are 30 inches tall. 

Once again, my BFF showed up to help...

they arrived silver, no thank you.  I would have loved to really dress them up, maybe use something glittery, but I went with a good, solid green so that the stake will actually blend in with the gardens or potted plants where they’ll eventually be placed.  Once the stakes were dry I glued the saucer to that circular part and let it set.  Then I glued the tea cup to the saucer.  When spring arrives my porch plants and a couple of garden spots will offer bird seed in these sweet little cups.

I’ll put them in protected areas, and they’ll be easy enough to rinse out with a hose.  I’m convinced that the birds will appreciate the bit of fancy.  I’d love to see a robin or wren perched on the edge of that cup and enjoying a snack.

I did play with a bit of clay this week as well and made a pair of earrings to celebrate the arrival  of February. I figured it was easier to make hugs and kisses than groundhogs.

And since the grandgirl’s birthday is coming up I made a little bo for her to store the crown jewels.  She loves nothing more than a tiara and to deck herself in glittery, shiny things.  The universe gave her the right Grancy for that.  I try not to give her things that don’t come with a storage container of its own.  Imagine a little girl with two sets of grandparents, some great-grandparents, and a collection of aunts and uncles who love to give her things.  It fills up a room and a house pretty quickly.  That’s why I try to provide storage with the gift.  I found one of those magnetic-close boxes (in pink!) for a couple of bucks. It’s about 8 inches by 11 inches, so perfect!

 I rummaged around in my odds and ends and found some black velvety fabric.  Probably left over from a long ago Halloween.  So I measured a piece of cardboard from the bajillion Amazon packages we get, and made sure it fit the  box.

I had some pillow stuffing, but you could use foam, batting, whatever you have handy.  I glued that down on the cardboard, wrapped the fabric around that and glued it in the back, then glued in the whole she-bang, and now we have a box for her crowns.

I’ll put some smaller boxes inside to hold her clip on earrings and some sparkly necklaces.  Every girl should have a treasure chest, right?   I feel like I need to swipe those inside walls with a hint of glitter.  Maybe not. So there you have it, I was alone for four days and didn’t waste a minute of it.  In my world anything is possible with paint and glue.  I didn’t share the painting that I worked on because it’s in progress - but I’m getting better at florals and I’ll be using some of those pretty frames I picked up at the auction.  I’m thinking of branching out and doing multi-media collages with my dead people.  Why limit them to cards? I’m sure some woman needs this on her wall.

Or maybe this in her office.

On canvas with a combination of paint, fabric, and some doodads - they’d make nice gifts for girlfriends.  Can you tell I’m trying to talk myself into it?  I’m going to give it a whirl.  Why not? And that, my friends, explains my absence for the last few days.  I’ve been knee deep in fun.  Well, my kind of fun.  I hope that you’re doing something that feeds your soul and takes you away from the crazy world from time to time.  We all need it.  My talents are meager but I still find joy in using them. Use up what the universe gave you - your singing voice, your athleticism, your musical talents, your green thumb, your baking skills, whatever it is!  Don’t waste your gift.  You don’t have to be the very best at it, you don’t have to make money from it, if you enjoy it - that’s enough.  Don’t turn pleasure into pressure. On that note, I’ll wrap up this rambling post. Sending out oodles of love and crossing my fingers that the groundhog sees his shadow tomorrow. I know, I know, everyone else is sick of winter.  I just want one blizzard and then I’ll shut up.  We woke up to a dusting of snow today and it was gone by noon. Not good enough.  Come on,  Punxsutawney Phil - throw me a bone!

Hear me out, even if it stays chilly we’re still gaining daylight, right? Win-win! Until tomorrow - stay safe, stay well.

Nancy  

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

Got tagged by @jimpoststuff to put my favourite playlist on shuffle and list the first 10 songs and since my favourite playlist is currently my danganronpa playlist, I thought I'd list it out in a separate post so I could talk about why each song is on here. Thanks for the tag! :]

If anyone wants to do this and sees this, consider yourself tagged! Especially if youre giving DR song recommendations!

1. Catabolic Seed by The Scary Jokes - This is a Nagito song for me:

But is bad luck really such a crime? / If you won't be my valentine, could you at least give me a little bit of sympathy?

I don't care if I'm losing myself in the garden of earthly delights / I could drop dead right where I stand and I wouldn't mind / I wouldn't mind

2. Apocalyptic by *repeat repeat - Mostly for the vibes, but potentially a Saiouma song:

Oh, it's apocalyptic (don't care!) / Fulfilled prophecy (don't care!) / I don't care if the whole world burns / the only thing that matters / I want you right next to [me]

3. The Other Side of Paradise by Glass Animals - Gonta song:

Bye-bye baby blue / I wish you could see the wicked truth / caught up in a rush it's killing you / screaming at the sun you blow into

4. Special by Joe Hawley - This one's a Hajime song!

Sooner or later I shall find myself / and make amends with the me left on the shelf / in a dance and epic vast expanse of kids / a round-robin championship of ids / maybe I'm unique and maybe not / but I might as well deliver all I've got

Do you believe I'm special? / Would you agree I'm special? / Do I believe I'm special?

5. The World is Mine (feat. Hatsune Miku) by Supercell - KOKICHI. No need to explain.

6. Kangaroo Court by Capital Cities - This is a general class trial song, but could be for any protagonist I think!

In a dusty room I come to assume / That I've been doomed / to lose my mind tonight / too weak to fight. / So I try to save face and rest my case / but the Judge pulls me aside, says, "C'est la vie / let your darker side come out to feed"

Shut up, shut up, shut up / Sit up, sit up, sit up / It's a kangaroo court / a kangaroo court

7. Those who Carried On by Ghost - This is a song for all of the v3 characters I think. It gives me vibes of what I imagine the ending of the game might be like:

Once more, their head had caved in / and the past lingered nearby a locked door / once more, they had revisited / something over and over and over again / and carried on

So after all these years / they remain a form of art / Cause they had problems from the start / though they acted on a dare / there's nothing stopping them so beware / these are people too fearless to die out / though they'll never escape from the rise / now...

8. What's Wrong by Half•Alive - Shuichi:

Mm-ma, the whisper in my heart, it could never speak up / The message in my chest gathered too much dust / I can't afford the truth even if it's unjust / Keep it top shelf, keep it all locked up

9. First Love / Late Spring by Mitski - This one breaks my heart. A Gonta song:

And I was so young when I behaved 25 / Yet now, I find I've grown into a tall child / and I don't wanna go home yet / let me walk to the top of the big night sky

Please, hurry, leave me, I can't breathe / Please don't say you love me / 胸がはち切れそうで / One word from you and I would / jump off of this ledge I'm on, baby / Tell me, "Don't," so I can crawl back in

10. Six Feet Under by Vane Lily - A Shuichi and Kaede song!!

We've spent years awaiting our judgement / Our hands aligned, intrinsically entwined

But in the blink of an eye you kissed me goodbye / And I reminisced of a better time / You were warm, full of life, and under a cry / You promised we'd both crawl out that night

But in the blink of an eye (You left me here) / You kissed me goodbye (You left me here) / and the taste of your lips left me mortified (You left me here, you left me here) / They were cold, full of spite (You left me here) / And under a guise (You left me here) / You promised we'd both be dead that night (You left me here to die that night)