#i need to draw something really fucking good or i'm not going to forgive myself. i will not rest in this life

[lunarharp]

if i just told you i love you would this world change

[ghostlykeyes]

Hi, love your writing! Could I perhaps get some headcanons of Hearsteel with a (GN) tattoo artist partner? I'm a tattoo artist (apprentice) myself, and very curious. Thanks! 💕

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HEARTSTEEL /TATTOO ARTIST READER ♡ Gender Neutral ♡ SFW ♡ No TW's ♡ I did Sett, Yone, and Kayn since they are the only HS members I'm writing for right now. ♡ Anon!! I would love to see some of your work sometime if you're comfortable sharing !! <3

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KAYN

Inspired by your art, Kayn buys a shitty tattoo gun off Amazon and messes around with it. He's not serious about tattooing, not really, but he thinks it's super cool that you do it. And, like anything he thinks is cool, he wants to try his own hand at it. (Plus, he wants to impress you. Oh, he may act like the picture of Rhaast he inked into the top-right edge of some practice skin is no big deal, but he actually spent like four hours on it and inside he's just screaming for you to compliment it.)

Protect your practice skin fiercely, because Kayn will absolutely nab some if he's bored. It's not uncommon to pull out a rubber sheet of practice skin and find scratchy sketches of demon masks and glowing eyes.

Kayn lets you tattoo him, as long as he gets to pick the design. He assures you he'll sit well, but it's a lie. He's a squirmy subject. Not because of the pain, mind you—he doesn't care about that. No, he's fidgety at the best of times, and with you so close to him, with you breath and your hands sending tingly heat across his skin? How is he supposed to keep still? Threatening you'll never kiss him again if he doesn't chill the fuck out might do the trick, though. Contemplating a life without good-morning kisses has him doing his damndest to sit still and let you do your work.

While Kayn likes all of your work, he's especially fond of the dark, the creepy, and the ultra-stylized. The more morbid drawings fit his bad-boy image, and the stylized ones? He respects innovation in all its forms, and he loves to see your artistic boldness so plainly expressed.

Kayn often sends you pictures of graffiti that he's proud of. In truth, he does it more for the property damage than artistic expression—but that's besides the point. He's picked up some skills along the way and of course he's going to use them to impress you.

If you ever, ever have a problem client, Kayn will explode in their face. Expect loud words, shoving, maybe a punch or two getting thrown. And if you don't want him exhibiting that kind of behavior in your shop? Well, fine, he can play nice. Just don't be surprised if you find out your little problem client finds themselves with "DUMB FUCKING CUNT" keyed into their car door. Kayn denies any and all knowledge of doing this. "Must've been Rhaast," he claims, but you're not so sure. Either way, it's a warning signal for your future clients to behave.

SETT

After you're sore from a long day shrimp-hunched over someone's leg, you don't even have to ask Sett for a massage. He already knows you're cramping up and he knows just how to make his fingers work. "Lay down," he tells you, and waits for you to get comfy before straddling your back. "Hold still, 'kay? I'm gonna take care of you, don't even worry 'bout it." His strong fingers gently rub at the knots winding up and down your spine, and he smooths the pain from your muscles. And this isn't some five-minutes-and-done back rub, either— he's committed to getting you right. Chat about your day, ask about his. He'll be up there for as long as you need.

Even if he's not interested in getting tattoos yet, Sett still loves your art, and he's willing to commit to something a little less permanent. Any time he's about to leave on tour and won't see you for a few weeks, he asks you to Sharpie a design on him. Whatever you want, wherever you want (just try not to abuse the privilege—he will never forgive you if you draw something embarrassing on his pecs the night before a huge show). He thinks it's sweet to have that little reminder of you etched on his skin. Sett will send you periodic updates of your sketch. If it's holding up well, expect to witness Sett twisting around awkwardly to show you in his daily post-gym selfie. When it's gone? He sends you a photo of blank skin, with a solemn text: "he's dead :(" . Don't worry about the untimely demise of this picture, though—you can draw him another as soon as he gets home!

Sett keeps some of his favorite flash designs of yours framed in his room.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't have any tattoos—if you or your shop sells t-shirts, Sett will wear them, and he'll do it proudly. He loves to represent you. All someone has to do is ask about it and it'll send him on a ten-minute (minimum) rant about his kickass tattoo artist partner, how talented and awesome they are. If you don't have a sleeveless option, though, don't be surprised if the sleeves "mysteriously" disappear.

YONE

Yone is interested in getting some traditional Japanese work done, but not for some time yet. Just know that whenever he's ready to ink up, if you're willing to tattoo in that style, you've got a client for at least a full sleeve, if not two. And when the day comes? Oh, Yone sits like a dream. He's the client from heaven, barely flinching and only taking breaks when you need a second to stretch. It's a bit difficult to convince him to put down his work, though, so be prepared to listen to Yone building some song beats with his free hand while you're buzzing along his other arm.

You both have rather demanding jobs and schedules, but Yone enjoys your quiet moments working together. He plugs away at his music while nearby, you finalize designs for clients and work on new flash pieces. Whenever he needs a break, he comes over and tenderly rubs your shoulders. Yone watches you work, occasionally breaking the silence to ask about certain design choices or what kind of client this tattoo is for. Watching you draw gives him a sense of peace.

Since he knows you work long hours, Yone always gets you a drink on his morning iced coffee run. He gets you lunch sometimes, too, if he knows you'll be spending the day in one long session and might not want to leave the shop. Yone knows what it's like to get lost in your work better than anyone, but he wants to make sure that even if you're in the zone, you've got something to drink and a bite to eat nearby. Now, if only you could get him to take care of himself the same way...

Dating Yone brings you a lot of new clients. Even though he left the mainstream music industry some time ago, he's still got friends within it. If anyone asks him for advice on where to go, of course he recommends you, which means you get your fair share of music artists coming to your chair. Of course, they always tip fabulously (they risk Yone's wrath if they don't).

Yone comes to you for advice on a lot of Heartsteel's artistic visuals. Their loud, messy, brash style meshes well with tattoo aesthetics, so he likes to run creative choices by you before implementing them. He also asks you to design some merchandise, if you're okay with doing that. Whatever you come up with, the guys absolutely love. Consider yourself the creative lead for all future merch endeavors.

[undead-memes]

PREACHER'S DAUGHTER. / prompts from the album peacher's daughter by ethel cain. tweaked for rp. change pronouns & cut & combine as you wish. (repost)

' i put too much faith in the make believe. '

' i feel it there, in the middle of the night. '

' say what you want, but say it like you mean it. '

' just give it on more day then you're done. '

' i don't need anything from anyone. '

' it's just not my year. '

' i'm doing what i want and, damn, i'm doing it well. '

' you and me against the world. you were my man and i your girl. '

' you were my whole world. '

' you came, and i laughed. you left, and i cried. '

' you told me even if we died tonight that i'd die yours. '

' really, i'd kill myself to hold you on more time. '

' it hurts to miss you. '

' i cry every day and the bottles make it worse. '

' you were the only one i was never scared to tell i hurt. '

' it was love, i guess. '

' and i feel so alone. '

' i watched him show his love through shades of black and blue. '

' show me how much i mean to you while i lie in these sheets undressed. '

' i'd hold the gun if you asked me to. '

' but if you love me like you say you do, would you ask me to? '

' trouble's always gonna find you, baby, but so will i. '

' i'm never gonna leave you, baby, even if you lose what's left of your mind. '

' please don't love how i need you. '

' i'm not above violence. '

' i've killed before and i'll kill again. '

' hell doesn't scare me, i've been times before. '

' tell me a story about how it ends, where you're still the good guy. i'll make pretend. '

' i hate this story where happiness ends and dies with you. '

' i thought good guys get to be happy. i'm not happy. '

' i was too young to notice that some types of love could be bad. '

' i'm tired of you still tied to me. '

' i'm too tired to move & too tired to leave. '

' love's never meant much to me. '

' i started to see you differently. '

' you wanna get my clothes off. '

' baby, if it feels good then it can't be bad. '

' you wanna fuck me right now. '

' if you hate me, please don't tell me. '

' i followed you in and i was with you there. '

' you love blood too much. but not like i do. '

' heard you, saw you, felt you, gave you. '

' need you, love you, love you, love you. '

' love you, saw you, felt you, love you. '

' love you, love you, love you, love you. '

' you'd do well to say yes to me. '

' suffer does the wolf, crawling to thee. '

' he's saying i'm the one, he's gonna take me. '

' suffering is nigh, drawing to me. '

' even the iron still fears the rot. '

' i'm hiding from something i cannot stop. '

' you poor thing. sweet, mourning lamb. '

' there's nothing you can do. it's already been done. '

' please don't look at me. '

' what have you done? '

' make it stop, make it stop, i've had enough, stop, stop, STOP! '

' i am the face of love's rage. '

' i am no good nor evil. simply, i am, and i have come to take what is mine. '

' i was there in the dark when you spilled your first blood. '

' i am here now as you run from me still. '

' you can't hide from me forever. '

' god loves you, but not enough to save you. '

' if they strike once then you just hit them twice as hard. '

' the more it hurts, the less it shows. '

' i think it's about time i put up a fight. '

' if it's meant to be then it will be. '

' i forgive it all as it comes back to me. '

' i can't let go when something's broken. '

' in your basement i grow cold. '

' don't talk to strangers or you might fall in love. '

' how funny, i never considered myself tough. '

' i tried to be good. '

' am i no good? '

' i just wanted to be yours. '

' can i be yours? '

' i'm happier here 'cause he told me i should be. '

' you're so handsome when i'm all over your mouth. '

' am i making you feel sick? '

' i never blamed you for loving me the way that you did. '

' don't think about it too hard or you'll never sleep a wink at night again. '

' just know that i love you and i'll see you when you get here. '

[ladyimaginarium]

when ethel cain said "i always knew that in the end, no one was coming to save me, so i just prayed and i keep praying and praying" & "god loves you but not enough to save you" & "so, baby girl, good luck taking care of yourself" & "god doesn't love you, not like i do" & "you and me against the world [...] we had nothing but each other, you were my whole world" & "your mama calls me sometimes to see if i'm doing well and i'd lie to her and say that i'm doing fine when, really, i'd kill myself to hold you one more time, and it hurts to miss you but it's worse to know that i'm the reason you won't come home" & "you know, i still wait at the edge of town, praying straight to god that maybe you'll come back around, i cry everyday and the bottles make it worse 'cause you were the only one i was never scared to tell i hurt [...] and you might never come back home, and i may never sleep at night, but god, i hope you're doing fine out there, i just pray that you're alright, and i feel so alone, and i feel so alone out here [...] and i feel so alone without you, i'm so alone" & "i'd hold the gun if you asked me to, but if you love me like you say you do, would you ask me to?" & "i tried to be good, am i no good, am i no good, am i no good?" & "i just wanted to be yours, can i be yours, can i be yours, can i be yours?" & "but in these motel rooms, i started to see you differently, 'cause for the first time since i was a child, i could see a man who wasn't angry" & "i thought good guys get to be happy, i'm not happy, i am poison in the water and unhappy" & then "preacher's saying god will save me, if god is real, he's a fucking bitch" & "i didn't ask to be this crazy but since we're here, i'll give them a show" & "if you try to hurt me, i won't stop you, but there's something you should know, it's that my daddy's fucking crazy and always ready to blow" & "the first boy i ever loved was a brother i never had, i thought, with him, maybe i'd make it, maybe it'd be half as bad, spent my night under the covers just wishing he was there, draw his portrait in my diary just to hold when i got scared, now i'm fucked up and i'm nasty, but they say i make it look good" & "what's gonna scare me when i've seen it all? [...] if i can't live, can i just fucking die?" & "am i not good enough for you? is there something wrong with me? baby, don't you lie to me, am i just not what you want? am i just not what you need? is there someone in your heart that keeps you gone away from me? is she prettier than me? is her skin softer than mine? can she give you what i can't? the thing i cry for every night?" & "i think about you everyday, 'cause i love you more than i thought i could [...] 'cause i don't hate you like i know i should, was i not good enough for you? was there something wrong with me? i just cry by myself at night but you'll never know and you'll never see" & "sometimes you make me wanna put my fucking head through the wall, sometimes i wonder if i ever even knew you at all" & "and we've been cursed since the start, jesus didn't want us [...] and fuck the cops and fuck god and fuck this town for ruining us" & "in the corner, on my birthday, you watched me dancing right there in the grass, i was too young to know that some types of love could be bad" & "you poor thing, sweet mourning lamb, there's nothing you can do, it's already been done" & "bless the children, each and every one come to know their god through some senseless act of violence" & "stop, stop, stop, make it stop, stop, make it stop, make it stop, i've had enough" & "i am the face of love's rage" & "and i spend my life watching it go by from the sidelines, and, god, i've tried, but i think it's about time i put up a fight" & "i forgive it all as it comes back to me" & "dancing with the windows open, i can't let go when something's broken, it's all i know, and it's all i want now" i& just. okayokayokayokay okay yeah alright hahahaha lmaoooo im& totally fine i& just

[the5n00k]

Small vent about my art, especially my writing, scroll past if you want, I just need to get this out

Being a creator for a fandom starved of content is hard sometimes. Being a creator known and loved for one thing you do is harder. Especially when people completely miss the point of it.

I don't create heartbreaking scenarios and gutwrenching experiences because I want the reaction or I want to torture the characters (as much as I joke about it) I do it to explore character dynamics, hypotheticals, and psychology in a way I don't get to see in canon

Part of the reason I made Long Time Friends was to explore the concept of the Butterfly Effect the two main characters had on each other in the very early episodes, not so I could emotionally grind Molly into a fine paste for my own amusement and the pain of others. It's just... Whenever someone pegs me as the person who makes a ton of angst, they aren't wrong but I have more light-hearted projects too. A good portion of my comics/multiple part drawings are very silly but people only remember me for one thing.

For a while I was into it! I'd made a name for myself in the community! But now I'm starting to despise my reputation and even the word "angst" itself in general (although I don't think this particular feeling is the only thing contributing to that sentiment) and... I honestly get really worried when people get shocked when I draw the line at a sad concept

Like FUCK no I'm not going to strip a character of one of his only comforts and ties to his past by associating it with a bad memory, FUCK no I'm not going to mortally wound my protagonist because I think it'll make you cry harder, it needs to ADD SOMETHING to the narrative. If it just keeps layering sad upon sad upon sad, you just get a depressing cake with "ow the edge" written on the top in tear flavored icing

Confusing metaphors aside, life is full of DEVASTATING setbacks, challenges, and hardships. It is full of pain and suffering of yourself and others, sometimes at your own hand. But it's also full of joy and healing. Kindness and understanding. Forgiveness and teamwork. That's why my fics always end on a high note. That's why I say no to certain ideas thrown at me for my aus because they're too dark. If there's no hope or growth in my stories...

Then what's the point?

[parlerenfleurs]

For years and years I've been alone with the story I'm writing, unsure about several points, unable to find anyone willing to read all of what I've written of it and give me feedback, unwilling to unveil my half-formed plot to anyone.

Until one day not long ago when I thought "fuck it" and told my beautiful boyfriend hey! Can you help me with something? And he stopped playing his game and came to listen to me and I told him my whole plot, spoilers and all, from start to finish, and where I'm unsure and stuck

And

Who would have thought

In like 30 minutes he helped me unlock plot points I've been struggling with for half my life

I always thought when I was young and starting to write, that books, (like drawing, like thinking, like feeling emotions, at least according to my young beliefs) was something authors did alone. What a misconception! Growing up I saw more and more proof of the contrary: long notes to thank everyone who had helped at the beginning or end of so many books, the reveal of Leigh Eddings being enough of a co-author that she's now displayed with her husband on the cover of their books, interviews, the entire culture of fanfiction with its beta-readers, the entire publishing industry with its editors...

No one actually writes a book alone. Or if they do, I salute them as an impressive exception.

But it took me 20 years of fruitless* writing to accept it and go past my own pride, my own fear of imperfection, to allow myself to go to my most treasured person and ask, what do you think? I don't know how to handle this, or why this character does that. And he was so, so much help! He's not precisely a literary person, doesn't read much though he's very smart and emotionally intelligent and likes good narratives, but it doesn't matter, because I just needed an external eye to get me out of my sluggish pit of mud.

Though I do think he's really pretty good at it and I'm really lucky.

*Fruitless as in I never finished a novel, but I did entertain my childhood friend for several years with a hand-written, hand-illustrated story, and my sister with another (that she never forgives me for not finishing), and written short stories and a lot of poems, so, yay?

[ratralsis]

Hurt your darlings

Today I want to talk about something that I think is often misunderstood in writing. I'm not an expert in it myself, but I still want to talk about it, because I'm just that kind of stupid.

I think it's important to hurt your characters as much as you need to in order to make your story interesting, and then cut it out.

Let me explain.

It's easy to go too far, and it's easy not to go far enough. You have to find the correct amount. You have to know just how badly to hurt them, and that's not always easy.

It's easy to torture the villain. Frankly, it's easy to torture your heroes, too, if you're that kind of person. But you need to know how far is too far, because at some point it just becomes silly. It'll make you lose your audience. People don't like seeing their main character get hurt for no reason. It's just excessive, sometimes.

I'd feel weird giving examples of this, because I"m not a media expert, and I'd have to look at something popular, at least moderately, and point to it and say "This work is bad, it's not as good as what I think it could have been," and nobody wants me to do that, because people out there LIKE the things that I don't like. So I'll avoid it, but I think you can think of examples on your own if you try.

But there are stories where I think the hero doesn't get hurt enough, too. I think these are easier to find. Stories where you think that the hero's character arc feels cheap, or unearned, or like they didn't struggle enough or have enough trouble getting what they wanted. This can be hard to nail down. I once watched a movie with my mom where, at the end, the main character fucking died, and she said that it felt cheap because his death meant that he got away with crimes he'd committed earlier in the film. But he was fucking DEAD! Didn't matter to her. Wasn't good enough for her!

So there's no satisfying everybody, alright?

I like giving weird examples that illustrate what I'm talking about, and today I think I'd like to draw from episode 17 of the now-obscure anime Re:CREATORS, in which the grizzled detective from a Cyberpunk manga (made up for the show) points a gun at his creator (also made up for the show), a thin woman who smokes a lot and struggled to make it as an author for years before finding success with his story, which wasn't even his story, it was his partner's story.

As far as I'm aware, there isn't an official English dub of the anime, so I'm going to just directly quote the English subtitles. It's easier than trying to translate it myself, especially since the detective's creator speaks a dialect that I've never been good at.

He's alone in the room with her, gun raised. He was going to kill her, but she pointed out that if he did that, then he wouldn't be able to ask her anything at all, and, knowing she was right, he has something needs to say.

"I don't care whether or not you're the creator of my world. However, there are some things I can't excuse. This might not be important at all to you, a god, but there is one thing even the tiniest piece of dust would never be able to forgive. You planned it, and you wrote everything. You're responsible for everything. That's why I want to ask you why…"

She cuts him off. They say, simultaneously: "Why did my daughter have to die like that?"

His creator smiles at him.

"I only have one answer. Because it made the story more interesting."

Angry, he shoots her, in the stomach. She falls down, thrown by the impact.

"Devil… I thought you were a god. Can't you at least show some mercy?"

Blood on her lips, she replies. "Why do you think I created your world? To give you peace? That's not why, you fool. It's for the readers. I write whatever makes it more interesting. I'd write unhappy things. I'd even kill people. I'd even turn the world upside-down."

The scene goes on. It's a good scene. It ends kind of silly, but it's a good scene.

Some people will say that about the show as a whole. I can't really argue, I suppose. Personally, I thought the ending was pretty interesting, too. But there's no accounting for taste.

But the point made by the detective's creator is important.

"It made the story more interesting."

That's the only thing that matters when a story is being written. What makes it more interesting? Every sentence needs to be written to answer that question.

It's not a deep thought, wondering what a creation would do if it met its creator. It's not a parallel to humanity and our gods. Fiction is fiction. I've never once been afraid of what my creations would say to me if they met me in reality, because they aren't real.

But I just recently finished posting a story where the main character falls in love with a young woman whose family is unknown to her, whose biological mother died shortly after she was born, and whose one and only sister was killed in a drunk driving accident where the heroine herself was the driver.

Why the fuck did I do that? Was that really necessary? Did that really make the story more interesting? Did I put her through all of that because I thought it was fucking interesting?

Yep. That's why.

I'd take everything from Marigold if I thought that it would raise people's interest in the story by a single hair. I'd torture her for years. I'd put her through hell. There's no upper limit to how much I'd hurt her if I thought for one second that it would get one more person to read and enjoy the tale.

I posted the story of Daisuke and his daughter Mikoto last year. Daisuke literally did die in his story, and he went straight to Hell when he did, and he knew he would, because he'd died earlier, and been resurrected, and it had been made clear to him when he was that there was no escaping that fate. He went to Hell with a smile on his face and the love of his daughter in his heart, because I thought it made the story more interesting.

And you know what? I'd take away that love if I thought that were more interesting.

It wouldn't. That's the only reason why I didn't. The only reason I didn't hurt them more is that it wouldn't have been interesting.

In the novel I'm writing, there's not one, or even two, but three main named characters who lost their homes and their entire families in a war that ended ten years before the story takes place. That's excessive, isn't it? Too much death. Too much suffering.

No. I think it's just right. The point is to show how it affected each of them differently, after all. One of them fled from society and became a hermit for ten years. One endured humiliation for ten years for the sake of returning to her old life. One became a killer who hunted down everyone he could who he thought was affiliated with those who'd hurt him.

And that's important. You have to hurt your characters if you want an audience to care about them. Everybody's been hurt. Everybody's had bad things happen to them, even children. But it can't be minor. It can't be only as bad as the things that have actually happened to your audience, or else they might shrug and say that they're doing alright, so why aren't the characters? It's got to hurt your audience, too. Audiences want to be hurt, and they want to find a way to feel better eventually, too. It's a famous quote from Dave Filoni: "People always say they want things dark, but if you don't have a plan to draw people out of that and show how these people overcome it, then you just leave your audience in despair."

That's important, too. They have to overcome the despair. You can't only hurt them. They have to get out of that darkness that you put them into, at least, your heroes do. It might be okay to hurt the bad guys until they die, depending on how bad they were. But the good guys? It's better to give them some kind of happy, or at least bittersweet, ending, if you want your audience to care.

It's okay, for example, for your hero to die in a heroic sacrifice if that saves the world and then you get an epilogue where you see that the world is a better place. It's less okay for your hero to die in a heroic sacrifice that doesn't accomplish anything.

And you might think that makes it bad for, say, a character to die randomly in the middle of a battle. But it can be, if it makes the story more interesting! If it puts pressure on the surviving characters, or if it raises the tension, then it's okay.

It's an obvious thing, right? Tension is the key. You need to have tension in the story. If you think that the story won't ever resolve happily, if you think that the story is only ever going to be downer after downer, then you won't keep reading. But you also won't keep reading if you think that there won't ever be any downers at all.

In Marigold's story, the story itself really doesn't have as much tension as I'd like for it to. It's a weakness in the story itself, and if I were to ever rewrite it again, I'd love to add a chapter or two in there to make you wonder if Kevin and Marigold are going to break up or stay together. That kind of tension is important in a romance story. In this one, the tension is introduced and resolved in each scene, and the stakes are never terribly high. All the bad stuff that happened to her happened in the past, before the story began. It's background trauma!

Her dad arguably has it worse: his wife and one of his four kids died. But, when we meet him, he acts pretty cheerful at first! That's because people are resilient. I once had a job where I worked with a woman whose son was a utility worker. One day, she left work because she got a call and found out that her son had died. He had climbed up a telephone pole and was working on it when he was electrocuted. He left behind a wife and two-year-old daughter. A month later, that woman was back at work, acting the same as ever, talking and laughing with us. Because that's what people do. The pain she felt would never go away, of course. But she can't spend her entire life with that pain in the forefront of her mind at all times. It'd be too much to bear! It's no way to live!

So Henry's a happy guy, five years after his kid died because his other kid drove drunk. Because to dwell on what's gone wrong would be too much.

I could've written him that way. I could've written him as a depressed, miserable little wreck of a man. But nope! He's fine! He acts fine!

Because that's the limit. That's how much I felt like I needed to torture him. He's had enough time to deal with his trauma. Marigold hasn't. It wouldn't be interesting if she'd spent the last five years in therapy processing her emotions and getting over the trauma of her past actions.

That's really all that matters: how much trauma and torture and pain is interesting? If you can figure that out, you've got it made, friendo.

And I ain't gonna sit here and tell you that I did. All I can do is write to my own tastes and hope for the best. And let me tell you, as someone who's been writing online for twenty years, IT AIN'T PAID OFF YET. SO MAYBE DON'T LISTEN TO ME OR ASK FOR MY ADVICE.

Alright, that's all for now! My next writing class starts Sunday, so I'll probably be quiet here for a while! Maybe in about two years or so I'll have a finished book for you to read! Maybe you'll read it!

[31mmstudios]

It's not your fault there's no time to rest

While I'm a staunch advocate for discipline as part of maintaining good mental health, there is something I feel I need to say:

I know you're trying.

I recalled the time I was at my worst burnout. There were quite a few actually, but the worst ones made me physically sick. I was already pre-diabetic to begin with, then it elevated into Type 2 diabetes. I also developed allergies and began to experience really disruptive anxiety that a doctor once couldn't tell it apart from a heart attack and hooked me up to all these machines with a ton of I-dunno-what's IV'd into my arms.

To this day, the sound of consistent beeping that isn't from a microwave brings back tremors and cold sweating because it's so reminiscent of all the times I was in the ER. And this was all because I tried to work through my burnout instead of fixing it.

And because I survived it, sometimes I tend to over simplify my trauma to uplift myself when I feel powerless. So then I have this very energized way of talking about surviving burn out that I turn into a motivational speaker and somehow lose some sense of empathy. Am I making sense?

Anyway, I was disgusted at myself for becoming like that, so I went back to the drawing board to be reminded that when I was burnt out, I just wanted empathy. That's it. I didn't want advice, to be preached to, or a ticket to see some motivational speaker who'll kick my ass into my ideal future self.

I just wanted to know someone got me.

So, I wrote this post to tell you, the reader, something very important that I wish I was told in my darkest, most difficult moment of my burnout...

If you are burnt out right now, I want you to know that I see you trying. I want you to know that I see you stuck beyond your control in a job or school setting that is squeezing the life out of you.

I know you want out. I know you're trying you're best. But because times are shitty as they are, quitting has become a luxury. Sometimes your best manifests and seems like a very weak, not good enough effort. But that's not true.

Your best is going to be rough because you're hurt.

What should we expect when we're spent, worn out, and our tank is empty?

It would be so insensitive if anyone, including yourself, expected you to be at your record best at a time like this.

While it's true that our lives are in our hands, our hands can only carry so much. And right now, your hands must be full of the burden to survive a time run by dick bags who forget you're a human being*.

** HUMAN BEING (n.) - NOT A MACHINE OR ANIMAL

You were dealt some shitty cards. As far as I'm concerned, you're doing a great job of getting through this.

Survive the way you can and know how to.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that your best now deserves to be compared to your best when you were at your demi-god form and everything was going right in your life.

Your best varies depending on your situation.

A person who is filled to the brim with passion can endure anything, even if it meant cutting off their limbs. But look at this situation. We're two years into a pandemic and there are still people who act like there are no mental health consequences from this. You've been robbed of the chance to replenish your passion.

But you're still here.

That's something to be so fucking proud of.

You've survived 100% of your worst times before. You'll survive this too.

You are adaptable, resourceful, enduring, and you still manage to have space to worry about the people around you. You're flourishing even if you don't feel like you are.

What I just hope for you is that you remember you.

While it's a maze of traps to find time to rest in this situation, I hope you develop self-forgiveness. I hope you forgive yourself for not being as passionate and driven as you used to be, because it's not your fault you have so much less to work with now.

I also hope you remember this is temporary. All things are temporary. Please don't believe your anxious thoughts when they visit, because anxiety lies to you.

And though there's so much more I'd want to say, I think it's a good time to end on this note:

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and this situation is not for nothing. Trust that from your suffering comes a deeper sense of self.

To have become a deeper man is the privilege of those who have suffered. - Oscar Wilde

Remember: life doesn't get better, you do.

Be well,

Miel

[sorry-i-ship-drarry]

Prompts no 25, 27, 31 angst and non happy ending because I'm a little sad

The affair

Dialogue prompt 31- I want you to list every lie you ever told me.. then I'll forgive you | I hope whoever you are, you're doing better now. My apologies for bringing it out pretty late.

TW- ANGST | Harry loved him, only till fire burned.

Prompt 25 | prompt 27

It could have been love.

Or perhaps it was love until the arson had lasted and the land got buried in the ashes. Maybe it was love, until the fire remained burning, and the air had stated vanishing and soon it died.

He always knew he thought love was a transaction, to get something back in return for what you deposit in, he never believed in it but was Draco swooned. He let himself take the fall hoping that maybe harry would save him. He knew what he was getting into but too fooled was he to believe that love changes people, he held onto the false hope. He assumed, he believed in himself that maybe, just maybe after everything Harry had been through, after everything he fought for, maybe he'd like to not face change anymore. That maybe after everything, he deserved to be loved and deserve to love. That maybe he too felt that there was none who understood him better than Draco like he did, only he should've known.

But once learnt the hard way, draco didn't know how many loses more could he take. Maybe he felt as though he owed it to harry, that perhaps harry was his last shot at love, no matter what happened. Even with the ever consuming lies building up in the relationship that had been going on for 3 years. But Draco would lie to himself if he said he was happy anymore. He used to be, but he hadn't felt the little comfort in the physical affection or more than a chaste kiss in the past few months and he was afraid. Afraid that his inner voice was right.

" I think he's cheating on me " Draco numbly spoke to pansy as he drank his cold coffee

" oh hone-"

" I knew it " Draco interjected.

Pansy gave him a pity look but oh she knew too. She knew he was cheating. The lies Harry had fed only worked a little.

" how do you know ?" Pansy asked, holding a little of Draco's hand in a comforting touch over the table.

" he told me he'd be at the office yesterday. I went to drop him something but he wasn't there. He had left hours ago " Draco replied blankly stating at pansy drawing circles on the upper side of his hand

" but you can't be sure " pansy sighed.

Draco hummed, deciding to not further talk about it.

Perhaps days went by, Draco had stopped counting, he has stopped looking at the calender when their anniversary passed as a forgotten date. Perhaps weeks since Harry tried to come home and cuddle with Draco. And maybe month too when they last went on a date.

Why was Draco doing this to himself? Fear.

He watched as the light, the spark, the fire diminish in Harry's eyes for Draco but a new one was born each day he left for work, like he had something to look forward to. He felt it in Harry's soft light chaste touches that they weren't a secret, private anymore, they were of Someone else too. He even smelled the perfume of another one on Harry's shirt. Yet he rested in fear, fear he'd never be loved again. Because even if everything, harry still was his boyfriend, by tag but he was.. it was all in the labels. But He didn't even come to Draco's work party.

" why don't you leave him ?" Blaise had asked. Draco only shrugged, yawning.

" do you even sleep anymore?" Blaise tried asking again. Draco shrugged once again. He had lost count of hours he slept too.

But alone in the night, sitting on a bed in loneliness even with the body next to him, he cried relentlessly in silent sobs. He would bite his palm to keep the muffles inside as he'd stare at the man he'd once loved, become Lost. He missed the harry who'd kiss him before sleeping or who'd whisper good night or the one's who dragged draco to shower with him or the harry who'd visit between works to take him out for lunch.. he missed the harry that was only his own and not shared as a public property.

________________________

He sat alone on the table of a family dinner as his father for first In a while looked at Draco in pity sitting next to an empty chair, reserved for his love who never showed up.

" we should start. He must be stuck with something " Draco Whispered.

Narcissa hesitantly nodded, helping serve the dinner and the family ate in low Whispers and soft chews.

And then perhaps as if an old friend has knocked his door, Draco was met with the young boy who loved Harry in his rivalry,who stood for what was right, for what wasn't just to him, one who believed that if love existed he'd never settle for less. Slamming the door shut, Draco instead of disapparating, stumbled back home with one bottle of whiskey he couldn't even drink because of the drowning heart that yearned sobriety.

" where were you ?" Harry has asked sitting on the sofa, watching TV at midnight when draco had stumbled back home.

But draco didn't respond, placed the bottle on the counter top, only little drunk, unknown tears smeared across his face.

" I asked you a question Draco, where were you ?" Harry sternly asked as he turned around to watch Draco

" are you fucking drunk ?' harry was perhaps disgusted but it only made Draco laugh. A mock.

" do you ask your other boy that too ?"

" what- what other boy ?" But harry was a bad liar.

Draco sniffed in as he walked forwards, collapsed on the couch next to Harry's and stared blankly out of the window, tears immediately blurring his vision.

" it was my parents anniversary today? Do you remember ? I told you a day before yesterday to be there, even sent a memo ? Did you receive ?" Draco asked, his legs shaking.

" oh- see I kept thinking I was forgetting something. I'm so sorry babe-"

" don't-call-me-that" Draco sneered

" what is the matter with you ?" Harry asked thoroughly offended

But Draco only exhaled a shaky breath, his hands contributing to the shakiness and he finally landed his eyes upon the man he had lost.

" was I not enough ?" His voice broke as he asked, staring into Harry's lost face

" what are you even on about-"

" your affair harry. Your bloody affair " Draco raised his voice so as to be stern, confident that be wasn't lying.

" what ? I don't have any affair. I'm offended that you even think that Draco. After everything we've been through-"

"bullshit " Draco snapped

" you think I can't see it Harry ? I can sense it across an entire room if you're there or not, don't you think I wouldn't know that the man I loved is not just Mine anymore ?"

" you're being ridiculous " harry rolled his eyes.

Draco gave Harry a weak smile before he went on " do you remember the last time you told me you loved me ?"

Harry frowned as he thought upon until the realisation hit " i- I didn't realize -"

" I don't blame you " Draco shook his head " I can't even if I Want to. Perhaps I am infact not enough.. perhaps I've failed to be who you wanted me to be. I don't blame you harry, I don't-"

" Draco, there's nothing going-"

" what's his name ?" Draco interjected

" there's no one "

" does he make you happy ?" Draco asked weakly

" Draco, there isn't-"

" does he kiss better than I do ?" Draco asked, his voice breaking.

Harry sighed " I'm not cheating Draco "

" then when did you fall out of love with me ?" Draco asked

Harry stared at Draco long enough to see the pain turning to mocking numbness " I never did "

" liar " Draco sneered as he looked away, not even bringing his hands up to wipe his tears.

" I love you Draco-"

" liar " Draco suddenly raised his voice " you're a pathetic liar " he sobbed

" all this time I tried to forgive you in my head but I only need to ask one thing, what did I do to deserve this ?" Draco sobbed

Harry's face filled with pity as he closed distance between them to wipe Draco's tears away but he jerked his hands away.

" I didn't mean for it to happen " harry finally said as he looked down at his feets, as though he was disgusted in himself.

Draco looked at harry attentively " how long ?"

" Draco-"

" how long harry ?" Draco asked sniffing

" 5 months " harry replied. It should not have been a blow, not have hurt this bad, because Draco already knew but he did. Tears rapidly burning his face as pathetic sobs left his lips and he looked away as if he couldn't bear to look at harry.

" it meant nothing to me Draco-"

" it doesn't matter " Draco interjected, heaving for a long breath

" no I mean it Draco, it didn't mean anything "

" if it didn't mean anything then why were you with him tonight instead of me ?"

But in hopes of trying to fix things, harry couldn't formulate an answer without hurting Draco.

" I really loved you harry, I still do and I hate myself for it but I will let you go "

" Draco Don't-"

" I have loved you enough but in hopes of trying to keep you close, I have made you runaway from me and that's no one's but my own fault. Perhaps I loved you too much or too little but neither of it was enough to make you stay " Draco cried in silent tears.

" don't say that Draco. Please. I still love you. I never stopped. I'll leave him for you. I only love you. It was a mistake Draco. I promise it won't happen again. I'm sorry Draco, please, please forgive me " harry begged

Draco offered Harry a little smile before he took Harry's hands in how own, locking their finger's together and kissing his knuckles.

" I Want you to list every lie you ever told. Then maybe I'll forgive you "

And in that sweetness Draco left Harry more broken than he had ever felt. Filled with regret he had never felt. Pain he had long forgotten. Misery and sorrow he had said good-bye too. But it was in his sweetness harry had loved him and it was in his sweetness he had lost him. That night when Draco went away, with no response, he never came back again and harry was left alone.

It could have been love, or perhaps it was, only until the night was young and the sun had not risen.

Till the mortal fire had burnt.

It's basically midnight thoughts.

300 followers appreciation dialogue prompt requests open.

( ps. I reached 400 tho )

[apocalypseornaw]

Always be yours (Pt 2/2)

Warnings? Demon! Dean, mentions of cheating, sex, killing and lots of cursing

You sat just outside of the armory flat on the cool tile floor with your eyes closed. You couldn't bare to walk through that door. It had been weeks since that night you spent wrapped in Dean's arms. You told Sam you'd seen Dean, that he had sought you out. You didn't tell him everything that had happened or that Dean knew what had happened between the two of you.

You weren't praying for the simple fact that you knew with the exception of Cas no one was listening that would care. Sam had left to get the blessed blood after carting Dean inside the bunker. You'd stayed out of sight the entire time. Now you had to face Dean and watch him go through what you knew would be an excruciating process to flush the demon out of him.

"Are you ok?" Sam's voice drew you out of your thoughts. You opened your eyes to see him standing about a foot away from you "Just trying to get my head on right Sam" he nodded with a sympathetic smile "You know you don't have to go in there yet. This is gonna take a while" "I can't do that Sam. I can't turn away, he wouldn't do it to me if positions were reversed nor would he do it to you"

He held his good hand out but you shook your head and climbed to your feet "Let's do this"

--------

You took a deep breath as you watched Sam splash holy water and repeat the Latin that would concentrate the ground for the process to work. Dean hadn't looked your way yet and you weren't sure if you were relieved or hurt. 

You watched Sam draw up the blood in a syringe. Dean eyed it as well finally meeting your eyes before saying "Sammy you know I hate shots" Sam shrugged "I hate demons" you flinched when Dean snarled at Sam before Sam splashed holy water on him and injected the blood into his arm right below the mark.

Dean's eyes never left yours, a groan of pain leaving him before he shook it off. "Look Dean there's a lot more doses to go. You could make it a lot easier on yourself" Sam told him then turned to walk off. He stopped where you were glued to the floor staring at Dean. "Are you ok?" 

Dean spoke up "Oh Y/N's fine alone with me black eyes and all. Isn't that right sweetheart?" A flicker of a smile flashed across his face and your stomach flipped. Sam looked between the two of you visibly confused before Dean smirked "Oh she didn't get around to that Sammy? Yeah me and her had a damn good time in Colorado"

"Y/N?" Sam's voice wasn't accusatory just simply asking. You stared past him at Dean "Yeah I fucked him that night Sam" "A few times" Dean added and you felt your face warm from embarrassment. "Come on" Sam grabbed your arm to pull you from the room and you heard a slight growl from Dean before the two of you made it out into the hallway.

-------

"You didn't tell me you had sex with him" Sam's voice was barely a whisper. You followed him down the hall to the kitchen "Didn't exactly know how to throw that into casual conversation" 

You sat down at the table holding your head in your hands. Sam walked to the fridge then sat a bottle of water down in front of you "It's understandable Y/N. You love him" you slowly raised your eyes and he nearly choked on the water in his mouth "How did he find out?" You shrugged "Crowley somehow? I guess"

You normally didn't hear Sam curse a whole lot but the string of words that fell from his mouth would've made a sailor blush. "Shit you shouldn't be here then" you shook your head "I'm not fucking leaving you alone with him Sam. He won't hurt me, there's still something inside of him stopping that whether it's the Cain and Collette thing. You on the other hand, our real Dean he'd never forgive himself if he did something to you. The least I owe you both is staying through whatever happens next"

He reached across the table and gently grabbed your hand and gave it a light squeeze "You're still my best friend, you know that. We'll get him back and deal with the fall out of everything that happened" you swallowed hard then said "If we get him back Sam, I'm leaving. I know Dean...seeing me and you in close quarters he won't handle it well and I won't be what tears you two apart" "and if he doesn't want you to leave?" He asked in almost a whisper and you laughed sadly "Then miracles really do happen"

-------

The second dose you didn't go in for and there were no words exchanged between Sam and Dean. You stood in the hallway listening to Dean in pain and fought everything inside of you that screamed to run to his side.

------

The third dose you walked in behind Sam. Dean met your eyes "For all you know he's killing me sweetheart" "Or you're screwing with him and me" you replied trying to not let your heart get in the way of your brain.

"Besides the lore didn't say anything about an exception to the cure" Sam added and Dean scoffed "The lore..hunters...men of letters. What a load of crap it all is" when you nor Sam said anything in return he tilted his head at Sam "Oh you got nothing?"

You shook your head at Sam trying to remind him that this was the demon part talking not Dean. You were relieved when he said "What do you want me to debate you? This isn't even the real you I'm talking to" Dean turned towards you "Y/N did I feel real enough to you? Hell come here and give me a kiss baby" you turned and walked out without a word and heard him laugh before turning back to Sam.

--------

You tried to call Cas but he didn't answer so after a moment you walked back into the room. You heard Dean say "Crowley told me all about it. So let me ask which one of us is really a monster?"

You walked further into the room and cut your eyes at Sam "What's he mean? What did you do?" You knew both you and Sam had went to different extremes to find Dean but there were a few weeks you barely saw each other. "Oh she doesn't know..man that's rich"

"You two were trying to get a twenty on me and Crowley from any direction you could but Crowley didn't want to be found and no one showed when Sammy summoned so he found a way" you looked from one brother to the other "Sam?" He was looking at Dean who half smirked "Oh he would've liked to have gotten there before the deal went down but he didn't really care about poor ol Lester..did ya Sammy?"

It didn't take a lot to put together what you'd missed. "Oh Sam" Dean chuckled darkly "Yeah I killed Lester myself and his wife married that tattooed guy" "I never meant" Sam started but Dean cut him off "Who cares what you meant? That line between us and what we hunt ain't so clear is it? Wow you might actually be worse than me. I mean you found a guy at his lowest, used him and then it cost him his life and his soul. Nice work and Y/N here fucked us both so what does that say about her?"

You felt like you'd been slapped in the face when Dean threw those words at you. Sam injected another syringe of blood into Dean's neck and you tried with everything you had to not let yourself break before walking out the room. You could hear Dean asking Sam if he or you had the stomach to do what would be needed should the cure not work and felt your knees weaken at the mere thought.

-----

Sam found you in the map room staring blankly at the screen. "Hey, that's not really him" you raised your face and knew he saw the streaks of tears when you said "Isn't it?" You pushed away from the table when he took a step towards you and shook your head "I just need a minute" 

You walked past him to the room you'd been sleeping in. You sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over to the photo of you, Dean and Sam at Bobby's place that was leaned against the lamp next to the letter Dean had left that night. 

You knew all that was happening had been a possibility and the truth was any amount of heartbreak was worth getting Dean's eyes back permanently green. If that night was the last you got in his arms you'd be grateful for it if he just survived this cure.

-------

You wiped your tears and headed back to the armory. The moment you got to the doorway your heart dropped "SAM" you screamed running in to Dean's side. You stepped closer than you should've but his head was dropped down and you couldn't tell if he was breathing. "Baby, please wake up Dean. Come back to us please" you slapped his cheeks lightly and heard Sam come running in behind you "Is he ok?"

"Yeah if drowning in your own sweat while your blood boils is ok" Dean answered slowly opening his eyes and you hadn't realized just how close you were to him until that moment. "He could stop this darling. You know I'd never hurt you. Just make him stop" you quickly stepped away from him and shook your head "No. We want the real Dean back"

You knew Sam was drawing up another dose but Dean leveled you with his gaze "You think the real Dean is gonna be so forgiving? I mean at least I screwed strangers you on the other hand, my baby brother? That's low Y/N. I would've preferred you fucking Cas" 

"Well if you hate me at least you'll be human to do so" you replied then walked out hoping he didn't see the way your hands shook.

------

One minute you were walking back to the armory after making sure the outer door was unlocked for Cas then the next Sam was pulling you into a side hallway holding his hand over your mouth. "He's out" he mouthed and your eyes widened.

"What's the plan?" You whispered once he moved his hand. "C'MON SAMMY. DON'T YOU WANNA HANG OUT WITH YOUR BIG BROTHER" rang through the quiet air and you flinched. "We need to lock it down. Keys are in the map room" you nodded then pointed "I'll go left and make some noise for him to follow. You go right"

"Y/N..be careful" you half smiled "You too"

--------

You ran down the hall towards the bedrooms making sure to let your feet fall heavy. "Dean?" You called out hoping he'd come after you and not Sam. Sure enough you felt the air shift a half second before your back was shoved against a wall "Hey there beautiful. Where's Sammy?" He had one arm across your chest holding you in place while the other held a hammer.

Your eyes flicked towards it and he smiled "It's not for you. If I wanted to nail you there's better ways" you groaned at the fact that even murderous Demonic Dean had to make bad jokes. "I don't know" he nodded and moved forward catching your lips in a bruising kiss "I believe you but I don't need you getting in the way" 

You weren't sure what he meant until he shoved you roughly into a storage room and shut the door. "DEAN GOD DAMMIT DON'T DO THIS!" you pounded against the door and heard the key turn in the handle "Just calm down baby" was the last thing you heard before his footsteps disappeared down the hall.

-------

Painfully long minutes passed before the door slowly opened. You half expected it to be Dean covered in Sam's blood but let out a breath of relief when you saw it was Cas and flung yourself into his arms hugging him "Thank god" you muttered squeezing the angel who returned the hug fully. "Dean didn't hurt you, did he?" You shook your head "Just locked me in here so I wouldn't get in the way"

He grabbed your arm "Come on. Sam's fine but there's only two more doses to give Dean" you let Cas pull you to the armory trying to ignore the growing knot in your stomach.

--------

You stood between Sam and Cas while Dean slowly woke up. He looked between the three of you "You look worried" you nodded to Sam who splashed the Holy water onto Dean. He didn't even flinch "Welcome home Dean" Sam said with a relieved smile.

-------

You were sitting on the counter in the kitchen nursing a beer. You'd seen Sam when he got back with Dean's food and had told Cas goodbye before he left but you still couldn't face Dean. What he said had stuck with you. He may have cheated as well but it was with strangers and as a demon. You had slept with his brother of all people. You wouldn't want to be with you either.

-------

Hours passed. You saw Sam head to bed and slowly headed towards your own room. You stopped in front of Dean's door and almost knocked but thought better of it. The moment you went to step away though the door opened and you heard his voice "Y/N?" You turned around with a small smile "I just wanted to check on you" he nodded then glanced back into his room "You haven't been sleeping in here have you?"

You shook your head "I couldn't" you didn't know what else to say. Every time you'd tried to sleep in the bed you shared with him you'd ended up crying yourself to sleep. "Do you want to? I mean fuck I don't have a right to ask but will you just lay down with me? Let me hold you." You couldn't believe your ears but your mouth moved faster than your brain it seemed "Are you sure?"

He gave you a smirk that was a ghost of his usual one "I started the day as a demon and tried to kill my brother but you're asking me if I'm sure" you held your hand out and when he took it walked into the room pulling him behind you.

------

He shut the door then pulled you behind him to the bed. He sat down on the side of it and pulled you between his legs. You stood there with your hands on his shoulders just enjoying knowing you had your Dean back even if he decided he no longer wanted to be yours. "Are you scared of me Y/N?" He asked and that shocked you more than anything "What? No" he glanced down at his lap then raised his eyes to you playfully "You could be closer" 

You kicked your boots off then climbed onto his lap effectively straddling him. "I've missed you and not just the sex, this" he whispered burying his face in your neck. "Do you still love me?" You asked and he drew back to look you in the face "Yeah Sweetheart I still love you. Can you ever forgive me for everything I did?" "Are you still mine?" You asked and he kissed your neck lightly "I'll always be yours even if you don't want me"

You smiled and felt tears trying to sting your eyes "I've only ever wanted you Dean" he noticed the tears glistening in your eyes and gently wiped them away "Those women didn't mean anything. The mark and being a demon..it fucked me up and i didn't want to risk hurting you. I stayed away as long as I could but when Crowley told me that you and Sam.." he trailed off but his hands tightened around your waist. "It didn't mean anything to us but helping to keep each other sane and alive. I was hurt and lost and so was he…" Dean cut you off with a kiss and you melted into his touch.

When he pulled away he pushed your hair back out of your face "Can we call this a new start?" His hands had slid under your shirt and you felt his fingertips trailing across your bare skin. "Please" you all but whispered pulling him into another kiss. 

Tags: @akshi8278

[rebsrams]

A case of you (Ethan x F!MC)  part II

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey and MC (Dr. Rebecca Valentine)

Warnings: none. Just utterly romantic fluff.

Summary: part II of my fic A case of you. Find part I here.

Word count: 1,377   

@openheartfanfics​

"On the back of a cartoon coaster

In the blue TV screen light

I drew a map of Canada

Oh, Canada

With your face sketched on it twice"

Then he saw her.

Just standing there, in the gloomy blue reflection of the tv placed on a shelf above her head.

She was swiping her finger delicately on the rim of the glass, a few coppery curls partially blocking her view.

He noticed than she had a map of some place he didn't recognize from that distance, with something sketched upon it, a few lines which from where he was standing didn't make any sense. 

"Rookie."

He called for her, breathless from the run and completely stunned by her natural beauty. 

But most of all, he was thankful to see her there, still waiting for him.

She looked up, her eyes glimmering with surprise and pure joy.

She hadn't heard him call her like that in a really long time, and suddenly they both someway felt brought like a rush to the start of it all.

That first day at the hospital, the first nights they gazed at each other through glasses of scotch on the rocks with the chattering of her friends in the background.

The coffees they secretly shared, because he couldn't stand that anyone else knew the existence of his precious and miracolous coffee machine.

That night spent together next to baby Ethan, while Ethan senior was still grieving for the loss of his mother.

That was the night he knew that anything was the same anymore. 

That he couldn't live peacefully without her.

 And he wouldn't. 

She immediately stood up, her lower lip already trembling for the excitement. "Dr. Ramsey." she managed to say, voice shaking and weak in the knees. 

She dreamed so much about this moment. 

She knew he was gonna tell her something that was going to change her life, for better of for worse. 

They finally met in front of the table, merely a couple of inches between them. He just gazed into her eyes, afraid that by saying anything he would have ruined the incredible moment they were living.

 A moment of awareness.

 "Listen, Ethan, you don't really have to say anything at all, I-I'm incredibily sorry for what..."

"I love you." 

The sentence cut into her clumsy speech like a shard of glass, sudden and sure. Eyes wide and gaping, a thin "what?" was everything she could actually manage to say in return. 

He quickly took her by the shoulders, as if to shake some sense into her, and repeated, even more sure than before: "I love you, Rebecca. Your clumsiness, and your incredible kindness, and altruism, your impatience and the little wrinkle on your forehead that it causes you when you have to wait for an important result. I love that you always take the same time to come to my office after I paged you, always a little breathless because you ran up the stairs to be quicker. I love your freshness, and the incredible irony you have, worthy of your stunning mind. I love the fire that you hold inside, igniting you from the bone, even when it's directed towards me." at that point,she let out a small chuckle, beginning to sniff loudly. 

"I love that you're so emotional" he continued, wiping her tears with his thumb "that you cried all night after that one of your long time patients left the hospital for good because you could heal him. I love you, Rebecca. And I don't want to hide anymore." 

Now, he was cupping her cheeks with both of his big and warm hands. 

"Are you going to make my heart stop?" she said, nearly choking with her tears. "Couldn't you just... I don't know, deliver the news in small doses?" 

Now was his turn to chuckle, a giggle which turned into a deeply laugh that filled his chest. 

"What was that saying of yours... Go big or go home, right?"

Just like he imagined, she threw her arms around his neck and began to pepper his face with kisses, until their mouths finally encountered in what seemed the seal to a silent pact. 

No more lies. No more running.

They stood there, in each other's arms, foreheads touching and inebriated grins on their faces for what seemed an eternity.

Eventually, they sat to share a drink together, cherishing the moment a little more.

"What is it that you have there?"

He pointed to the map she was sketching upon, catching her cheeks turning red.

"Oh, just a little... Nothing, really"

He could easily smell the lie, picking the map of what looked like...

"Canada? And... Is it my face that you were drawing?"

"It's a long story."

"I have plenty of time. Plus, I'm not going anywhere." he said, kissing the back of her hand.

She let out a long sigh.

"Well, long story short... I was offered a job at the Toronto General hospital, a few days ago. I must admit that I really thought about moving my residency there, escaping from my problems and starting a new life. I even bought this map yesterday, hoping it would have gave me the courage to finally face the decision.Then... I found myself sketching your face on it, twice, and hoping that you wouldn't forget me once I got away. That you could forgive me, if I went there. Now I'm so ashamed... I just want to dig deep and hide!"

She let go of his hand and dug both hands in the mess of her curls, a dismayed expression on her face.

"Rebs, sweetheart. I should be the one ashamed, here. You have to forgive me. For the way I treated you, for backing away when you needed me the most, for being so fucking scared of making you suffer just by being by your side that I hurt you anyway. That is a thing I could never forgive myself for, but you have to. I couldn't live otherwise."

He tilted her chin up to make her face him, giving her a quick nod.

"Let me take you home." he said almost in a whisper.

Now was her turn to nod, a brief smile hanging loose on her lips.

"You're in my blood like holy wine

You taste so bitter and so sweet, ohI could drink a case of you

Still I'd be on my feet

Oh, I would still be on my feet"

Three years later, Dr. Ethan Ramsey was sitting on the couch of his apartment, her wife's head in the slope of his neck while he gently caressed her belly, swollen by six months of pregnancy.

"Judy, dear, I already told you that you'll have to wait a little longer before meeting us. We're quite impatient too, your mommy especially, but that is no reason to kick the hell out of her." Ethan whispered softly to her womb.

"Ethan! That's not quite the way to talk to a baby, you know."

While playfully reproaching him, she shuffled his hair in a way that made his heart melt like the first time she laid her hands on him.

"Maybe we should blame it on the alcohol. I think that three glasses of that pinot noir i drank with Naveen this evening had me quite dizzy. I still can't imagine how a man of his age who once was on the verge of death and ready to let everything go could take the alcohol that way."

"Maybe it's my presence that makes you so dizzy, uh? I saw you enter that door quite decently just half an hour ago." she mocked him, remembering him stumble through the doorstep.

"Trust me, my dear, you're the only thing that's keeping me on my feet and going. You, and this funny little thing in here" 

He kissed her belly affectionately, unspoken prayers carried with the simplicity of that gesture. 

"Have I ever told you that I love you, Doctor Ethan Jonah Ramsey?" she replied, giving him a peck on the lips.

Something about his full name said by her wife's full lips filled him with pride and a touch of lust that he could never resist, no matter how hard he tried.

"Quite a few times, I guess."

With a swift movement, despite her several months of pregnancy and his actual dizziness, he lift her up and brought her to their bedroom, ready to cherish her once more as he always did since that night of three years before. 

Aaaand here we go! Hope you liked the second part.

I had a lot of fun writing this.

Feel free to report any mistake (as I already said, I’m not a native speaker and I’d really like to improve, so your help is more than well received!)

Also, I’m trying to gather a taglist, so let me know if you’re interested in my writing and want to stay up to date on my MC adventures!

[yuvon-writes-letters]

[Right on the top of the letter is a sighing girl drawn]

I really thought I could rest a few days before leaving. Like last time, ya know? I could've been more prepared. Didn't even get the call yet.

But I guess you're right. Exactly when you figured it out Jake did, too. (With a little bit help of goldie. They sent him the Tumblr conversation. The whole conversation. Without any comment.)

So yeah, either the MWAF knows where I work or (and that is a scary thought) even is there somehow sometimes.

Jake wanted me to promise to not go back there, but I couldn't. At least not for now. I want to go back there once, for now I shouldn't be in danger. At least not if he goes the same way as last time.

I should get a call from him later that day. And tomorrow I should find the raven note on my desk (after my lunch break). Later that day I saw the first time a guy with a mask. Then again the morning after I took the picture I sent TSB.

And that same evening I started hiding.

So I thought I still had some time...But it seems that isn't the case.

I would love to take Max, even though he can be a real asshole sometimes, but I don't believe that is clever. [The writing becomes shaky, almost unreadable to the end of the sentence]

I don't know anything anymore, just that I don't want all of this to happen again...

[Here are many ink blots, as if a pen was thrown on the paper]

Sorry..Sorry about that. My door bell started ringing. Surprise surprise, my idiot of a cousin. (I still love him though. Even if I'll never forgive him that he stole designs of me. Urgh. Sorry, nervous.)

He thought I acted weird when we texted earlier and my boss wanted him to check up on me.

What does a nervous little fox Liska do? (Little fox is a nickname he gave me when we were little xD I somtimes start using it when we're both in a weird situation)

He almost called the police, thinking I was in some weird 'abusive relationship' with, and I quite, "this Jake asshole".

It seems someone wrote him a text. An unknown number.

I already texted Jake about that..Any my guess is that the MWAF realised that he couldn't hack Jake anymore. So he tries different ways.

But it's fine now, I think I could convince him that everyone was okay. Even though now I have to take vacation with him. He wants to go tomorrow afternoon if I don't want him to call my parents. Why? That if I'm lying I'm not in danger anymore.

I mean, he's not fully wrong. Just that he doesn't have the facts right. (Which he couldn't. I'm still surprised that me being a suspect of kidnapping Hannah or helping a wanted hacker didn't go beyond Duskwood. But that's good.)

Oh and also, Jake just answered, he thinks it's good if I just go with Max in the moment. I think he stalked his Facebook profile. (Max did taekwondo for many years. Facebook tells his story)

But yeah, I am very sorry if this is an unsorted letter, not much happened and still many unsaid thoughts crossed my mind.

Liska🐾🔥

Ps. Also Jake wants me to thank the both of you for taking care of me when he couldn't. And still doing it.

And that I say that he's still not pleased with my decision to go to work tomorrow.

Lis,

So, Goldie's really taking more of an active role, now. I sort of thought they were finished until we massively fuck up again, but I guess they just don't want us to ask them questions or something. Interesting.

I wonder if that means the TSB timeline is still continuing

So the raven note on your desk comes tomorrow? I really wouldn't assume you're safe 'til then, but I guess if your Jake can't convince you, no one can XD

Still. Maybe now-ish would be a good time to take a long trip somewhere sunny. And crowded. Preferably with as many people as possible, who will notice if you go missing.

This is not going to happen again. We have several Jakes and two fairly smart people plus me helping you, PLUS an entity on your side, PLUS the advantage of knowing AND HAVING DOCUMENTATION on exactly how the previous timeline went. All we have to do is figure out a place you'll be safe, and bam, we're done.

...That's a pretty good opportunity, honestly. I agree with your Jake, you should go with your cousin. Though I'm curious what exactly the MWAF said to your cousin that convinced him that you were in danger. You might want to make sure that, a., the MWAF didn't suggest a location and you're not going there, b., your cousin turns off GPS tracking on his phone or just leaves it at home, and c., that your cousin doesn't post pictures of you on social media wherever you go.

Don't worry about the letter not being neat and stuff, I don't care too much about that. As long as

One sec Jessys texting me

Nothing important, she's still trying to test if I've been kidnapped or not without saying it outright. I lost my train of thought from earlier. Oh well.

You're welcome, Jake :) And I definitely emphasize with you on that one -_-

Passing the letter over to my Jake now.

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hello, Lis.

Your workplace is very clearly an unsafe environment, but upon reflection and having read ahead and read Max's offer, I believe you actually should go into work, at least for the day. It will give less of our cards away to the enemy. However, do be vigilant. We know that our actions have already changed the timeline to at least some extent, the breadth of which is still unclear.

I am not entirely sure what the kidnapper would gain from having your cousin watching carefully over you in the window of time the kidnapper would have taken to track you down, however. Could it be possible that Goldie was the one to send your cousin the message, rather than the kidnapper?

I concur with Yuvon that the previous timeline's events will not repeat, however, for the exact same reasons she listed, though I will edit it slightly: we have three Jakes and three intelligent people working on the case, including Yuvon. I think I may need to speak with her about this.

Most of the advice I would have given about precautions for the vacation with your cousin has already been covered by Yuvon :)

You are welcome, Jake.

I noticed that in my agitation from your last letter, I accidentally skimmed over some key points. My apologies. I'll answer them now.

I will attempt to find a good point to bring up the matter with her, but she is busy enough trying to mitigate the concerns of the "Crow Crew" that I do not think that should be done at the current moment.

While I am... fond of the "underlying desire" theory, I do not, on reflection, believe it. The fact that she would subconsciously choose me, rather than a family member or a friend she has known longer than myself, seems unlikely. Especially not when she had been quite incensed at me very, very recently. It simply makes no sense.

Though, admittedly, if the situation was reversed, she would likely be

The stasis wavering is both good and bad news. It has been both a benefit and a detriment thus far. Ensure that the group does not draw the kidnapper's ire instead, without alerting them that you are in danger, should they break loose of the stasis alone. Until then, based on the results from Yuvon previously contacting them, I suggest you avoid contact unless they open communication first.

Good luck, Lis and Jake.

—Jake & Yuvon

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

[honhonluigi]

I'm curious. You've said you dislike religion (which is valid as fuck and I have the same opinion), but if that's the case then why is Angie one of your favorite characters?

(I don't mean anything offensive or anything by this, by the way! If it makes you uncomfortable feel free to delete it.)

No, no, man, I totally get it. I’m sure it looks confusing from the outside. I can explain myself no problem. 

I guess it’s probably important to give a little explanation of why I hate religion so much, because it’ll make more sense then. I don’t hate religion because I’m an atheist. I am an atheist because of evidence and facts. Because I want to draw my conclusions based on fact and evidence. If I saw what I thought was undeniable proof of any god’s existence, I’d change my mind. Nah, I hate religion because I was raised in a cult. Not like a “my parents were heavily evangelical/strict” way. My parents were actual official members in an actual cult, listed as a cult by government officials (though they’re considering removing it from the list which would be a supremely bad idea.) You look up all the fucked up things that cults do? Those lists of “How To Tell If You’re In A Cult?” You’re describing this religion to a tee. It gets an A+ in every aspect of cultism. It wasn’t a cape-and-fire-chanting-in-the-woods cult. Those aren’t real. This was a Christian-based cult. (Most real-life cults are. Aside from like...Scientology maybe?) But they weren’t just Christians who took it seriously, like I said. It was a separate cult religion and the entire religion is officially cited as a cult. It was just Christianity-based. See if you can guess what it is. Based on the clues I gave I’d say there’s like...two choices. 

Anyway, that’s why I hate religion. Because I’ve seen and suffered first-hand all the damage that religion can cause innocent people. Not just in religious wars and acts of prejudice, but just in individual thought and life control aspects and so much fucking trauma. In torment and guilt and wasted years. In passed opportunities and ended relationships and sexual repression. Religion sucks. (In my opinion, all religions are fundamentally cults at their core. Or they would be, if the worshippers actually adhered strictly to the rules that they made. Which they usually don’t, hence why most mainstream religions aren’t thought of as cults.) I hate religion for the core principles of ‘sinning’, hell/heaven/paradise, good vs evil, thought-crime, religion-over-family, faith, not thinking for yourself, and believing whatever you’re told. That’s so damaging. But I don’t hate religion just because “lol it’s so stupid, I can’t believe people believe that shit!” or “religion is just too mainstream for me!” I can see why people would believe that in the old days, when things couldn’t be explained by science. I hate all religions, even the non-mainstream ones like wicca and shit. And I actually think studying ancient religions is really interesting. It’s an aspect of culture, and I can respect that. 

What does this have to do with my opinion of Angie? A lot, actually. I didn’t just go off on a religion rant for no reason. 

So, for starter’s, I don’t hate religion because I think it’s “too stupid to be believable” or that being religious is “too mainstream”, like I said. I don’t look down on religious people for being stupid, gullible, or trend-followers (more on that later.) That means that I can still respect Angie as a person, even if she’s religious. That’s important to know going forward. 

But the main reason is, I hate religion, not religious people. I hate the institution of religion, any religion. I hate the ideas that it carries and the practices it puts into play. But Angie is not any of those things. She’s just a person. She’s not responsible for any of the things that any religion, including hers, will do. She just believes in it. She, as a person, is not the thing that is doing all the damage I hate so much. Maybe her religion is, but she as an individual is not. 

Religious people are victims. I know. I was there. 10 years ago, I was an indoctrinated, god-obsessed homophobe, shivering in anticipation of a doomsday when god slaughtered billions of sinners. I won’t say I was different, and I always knew something was wrong about religion. No, I believed like everyone else. I was indoctrinated as much anybody. Religious people can’t help what they believe. They are the victims of peer pressure, cultural expectations, propaganda, lack of information/education, deliberate thought control, family pressures, and many other factors. Trust me when I say: they really can’t control what they believe. That’s why it’s pointless to argue with them. Their beliefs don’t come from logic. They are all victims. And I see everyone in my former cult as a victim, not an enemy. They really can’t help it. I can’t express that enough. 

So it’s not Angie’s fault that she’s so deeply ingrained in a religion. It’s not a character flaw for her, and it doesn’t make her evil or bad. In fact, it makes me like her more. I feel sorry for her. I sympathize with her. I was exactly where she was when I was 13. I know to everyone else, Angie’s religion is just a caricature or a joke. But to me, it makes her character deeper, more interesting, and sadder. 

Also, Angie’s not a cultist. Oh, this one makes me so mad. Everyone who says “Angie is in a cult!” or “Angie became a cult leader!” has absolutely no idea what an actual cult is like. The DR writers don’t know. The fans don’t know. It’s nothing like what Angie does. She never becomes a cult leader. Trust me. I would fucking know. 

When she becomes Student Council President or w/e, the Student Council has nothing to do with her religion. She’s doing that because she believes she knows what’s best to stop people from killing each other. She’s not doing it because “my religion is right and you all need to convert!” Otherwise, she’d have done that at the start. The rules she makes, like the night time curfew, have nothing to do with religion. (Also, her rules about flashback lights and night time curfews were completely correct and were good ideas, but go off I guess.) Yeah, she might say “Atua told me to do this!” But all hyper-religious people credit their creativity, ideas, or achievements to god. Whether or not those had anything to do with religion. She’s doing it because she has ideas that she thinks can help, not because she wants to push her religion. 

Case in point: in order to join her Student Council, you don’t have to believe in Atua. You don’t have to convert. K1-B0 and Himiko make that choice, but Tsumugi and Tenko don’t. And Angie doesn’t care. You’re allowed to be one of their group without sharing Angie’s religion. And once Angie’s Student Council is in power, then what? Fucking nothing. She doesn’t force anyone else to convert to her religion either. Even the people who didn’t join the student council. They’re allowed to not believe. She never approaches them being like “you have to join my religion now that I’m in power.” And she still treats Shuichi and Kaito as politely and friendly as always. (Not Maki and Kokichi, but for obvious reasons. She was right not to trust Maki, after what they learned about her.) Angie not once ever uses her power to push or pressure or threaten or force anyone to worship Atua with her. It doesn’t happen. She’s not a cult leader. If she was, it wouldn’t be optional. There would be grotesque amounts of threats, social isolation, pressure, etc even to those in her own student council if they didn’t believe. I won’t go into detail here, but trust me, it would be so fucking different if her little group actually followed the criteria for being a cult. Even when Tenko goes behind Angie’s back and escorts Shuichi into the school after dark, Angie doesn’t threaten her or oust her. She forgives her. She doesn’t say “no one is ever allowed to talk to you again” or “you have to do a horrible punishment” or “you have to die”. She just...forgives her. Yeah, she insults her a little, but she has a right to be angry after being lied to, betrayed, and used by Tenko. Still, she forgives her. Also: Tenko being in the school after dark and Angie being upset at that has nothing to do with Angie’s religion at all. The rule of not being out after dark doesn’t either. 

Also, her actions before her rise to power weren’t culty either. Angie never pushed her religion on anyone. I hate people like that. People who want to force others to believe the way they do. They’re the fucking worst and the scum of the earth. Some of the worst, most evil people alive, in my opinion. Angie’s not like that. She only talked to people about her religion if they asked her. As she explained to Tenko “I wasn’t brainwashing anyone. I was just answering questions.” Himiko, Gonta, and K1-B0 asked her questions because they were curious about her religion. She answered them. When they showed interest, she kept talking to them about it. They were the ones who said they wanted to convert. She never even asked them. And then when they wanted to, she welcomed them with open arms. They approached her. All she did was speak openly and honestly with them. She never forced anyone to convert to her religion. She never even forced anyone to listen to her talk about her religion. When Kaede and Shuichi got uncomfortable about it and changed the subject, she let it fucking go. She stopped talking about it. She never made the first move when talking to someone about Atua. They always approached her first. That’s definitely not culty. That’s just a religious person being honest when they’re asked questions, or getting excited when someone shows genuine interest in their beliefs. Of course she would be excited. These are her friends, and she truly believes that her religion is correct. She would be happy to see them safely in it. In her eyes, it’s the only place where they’re safe. Also, if she was truly a bad religious person, she would think that everyone who didn’t convert to her religion deserved to die. Mark of cults. But she doesn’t. She loves all her classmates, tries to keep them safe, and prays for them when they do die. Also, she believes that they get into Atua’s kingdom simply for being good people, even when they don’t believe in him. That’s definitely not culty. A cult is like “everyone who doesn’t worship like you is always evil, and they always deserve to die, and if they don’t convert then they are not worth saving. If you don’t believe in our religion you will definitely be killed at judgement day no matter what.”

But, most importantly: Angie’s religion is not the only aspect of her character. Angie’s religion actually has nothing to do with my opinion of her. I like her because she’s cute, bright, hopeful, happy, and persistent. She’s kind and selfless and she tries her best to keep everyone happy. She’s confident in herself, even if other people ridicule her. She’s got an interesting twisted side to her, with her composure in the face of death and her desire for blood sacrifices. But that doesn’t stop her from being kind and friendly to everyone. And she’s surprisingly smart, in her own ways. And appropriately ruthless when going after her goals, which is always something I admire. (I loved that she was willing to turn on Himiko when it seemed obvious that Himiko was the culprit, instead of obnoxiously ignoring facts like Tenko. Um, hello? If Himiko is the culprit, you all die? And if she’s the culprit, she’s trying to kill everyone, which kind of gives Angie the right to revoke her friendship from Himiko, yeah?) Angie’s character goes so much deeper than her religion. As far as her religion influencing my opinion of her, it...doesn’t. I pretty much just ignore it. I love her for who she is, not what she believes. 

[erin-epica]

Woop-de-doo, it's Lord Scarlet stuff part 2

This was a post I planned on making WAY sooner, but I accidentally lost the original draft so I didn't even bother to try doing it gain until recently. And just now something happened that changed everything; and I mean what both DID and DIDN'T automatically give me the right to post this. I almost deleted my first post at that, and here's why:

In the first post, I mentioned that when I initially found out Vic was lying to me, I was quiet about it and just stopped talking to her out of fear, and then when I asked for help on what to do I was told to leave without a word. I don't think that was entirely the right thing to do in the long run, because it may have been the easiest way out but I'm better off with proper closure.

And the thoughts she left me scarred with never left my head. Time and time again, I'd find myself crying myself to sleep again at the thought of Brock forced to hide romantic feelings for Master Frown and not know who he was anymore while Frown was left unaware and in love with someone else, even if it wasn't Lord Scarlet.

And the pain sometimes came with a want to confront Vic one last time and open up to her about how I wasn't blind anymore, and how much she really hurt me. But I, again, wass scared she wouldn't care and would cut me off.

So when the pain got worse, I did what any coward would do: tell everyone else about my pain.

Now I DID tell friends of mine other than the Unikitty Amino staff about what happened, and they were all sympathetic and understanding about it. But then I told almost everyone, and then made my vent post on here (as well as Wattpad). As much as I wouldn't want to call them call out posts, they might as well have been. I didn't want people to harass Vic and make her mad...but at the same time I kinda did. I was too scared to face her that I was hoping that someone would do it for me. I even tagged accounts of Vic's. Not cool of me at all.

Now the Tumblr and Wattpad posts got me pretty much more of the same: sympathy, and acceptance that I had moved on. No one came after Vic but we could still agree that none of her actions were justified (I even got @careeningle's attention...sorry about the aneurysm)

Now comes the next important thing that happened, because I mentioned @friffinx kinda being responsible for me getting back to the Lord Scarlet Amino to write the message that I did. In it, I said that after I sent the message I did I would leave the Amino again & for good.

Well...I lied. I still checked in every day for the same reason I started venting: I kinda wanted Vic to see my message. Even if she'd ban me, I wanted to see if she'd ever notice my message. And that would've been the end of it if it wasn't for Brook.

I briefly mentioned Brook in the last post. She was another OC of Vic's, and was exactly to Brock what Lord Scarlet was to Master Frown; a carbon copy love interest. Except Lord Scarlet was far more developed and drawn & written about more. Brook didn't even really have a distinct personality, she was a girl Brock and that was it. But with reptilian overlord eyes. (To be fair, Vic drew Brock like that sometimes too)

(I didn't include Vic's art unless it was in chat bgs or whatever in the last post, but for the sake of referencing/proving a point, this is what Brook looks like)

No one really paid attention to her for the longest time. She was there in the fanfics because according to Vic, "Scarlet needed a friend." And like I said in the first post, Brook wasn't said to be canon so I never found a reason to really care for her. Plus I can only recall someone giving Vic fanart with her, and it was with Scarlet (@plastic-papercuts made it, go follow her she's gr8).

But then one day, for some reason, something in me clicked. I actually thought of a story idea for her. Somehow this bland cutout of a character had potential in my eyes, and I weirdly started liking her because of it. She suddenly felt...more real. I got pretty invested in my idea and newfound interpretation of Brook, and describing it would make this post way longer than it is so if anyone asks about it, I'll probably make a whole other post about it.

Anyway, I came up with a little plan: draw out this idea in the form of a comic and post it to the Lord Scarlet Amino. And see if Vic gets suspicious and checks out my profile and then maybe bans me. It felt a bit better than total silence and she'd probably see that someone gave a crap about Brook after all.

So I started a new chat called "It's Brook" to share my progress with the other members of the Amino, which there weren't too many of but we had fun in it. It was basically me, @friffinx , @soapycocacola, @plastic-papercuts, and a few others who aren't on Tumblr (or at least don't think are) chatting about how awful Vic was and calling out her lazy art tactics like tracing and using assets/clips right from the show. And of course me sharing the comic progress I was making. Again, this doesn't make anything we did right but it felt good getting everything off our chests. We were like a secret rebellion against an absentee dictator. One time Vic came online as we were chatting and even viewed my profile, but nothing happened. And it stayed that way until I opened Amino up one morning. For those of you who don't have it, the menu shows all the communities you're in when you open the app, and all of mine were there except for the Lord Scarlet Amino. I assumed I must've been banned overnight. But I wasn't banned from Vic's other Amino so I commented on her wall on that one. For Vic's sake, I won't show how the conversation went (and I'll explain why at the end) but here's how it went:

Me: Did you ban me from the LS Amino?

Her: There was drama in one of the chat rooms and I'm not having it. I didn't want to do it and it's not a big deal It's just an amino and you're still on this one AM I RIGHT?

Me: Yes, but I assume you read my updated bio. As I hoped you would.

Her: Nope.

Me: Oh. But you know what? Ban me from here too for all I care, I feel like you deserve to know why I left and came back: *insert me finally telling her how I know she lied, that she hurt me, and what I did was wrong here*

Her: Lol ok be that person but keep in mind that I'm one of those people that doesn't gibe a fuck lol

And then she banned me from that Amino too before I could type and submit a fitting farewell reply.

At least I finally got all the built-up emotional pain out of me, but it did help me realize something important: we never really were friends. I wanted more of her content despite all her red flags as a person so I tried enduring them, thinking it'd be worth it, and she only kinda cared about me when I was being a yes man. She never kept any promises and didn't respect me the same way I did her. So I could at least feel confident knowing she most likely didn't care at all when I first left.

@friffinx and the others didn't get banned, though, and Friff even started another chat on the LS Amino called "It's Brook 2" where they talked more about Vic being a terrible person. And it didn't take long for her to shut that chat down too and ban everyone from it that time. Friff sent me screenshots of what happened next (which again, I'm not gonna show), where Vic basically had a meltdown. She changed her username to "Little Miss Guillotine", and made a post about her being "finished with the bushit". In it, she announced that she didn't even like Unikitty! anymore but was still gonna keep/use Lord Scarlet because she wanted to. The part that made my blood almost boil wasn't her views on the show, she's free to have her opinion and I couldn't care less about it. What DID was that she acknowledged that she lied the whole time because "she didn't care anymore" and said that it was "our faults for believing it in the first place" and that "we needed to grow up"/"stop brining it up"

Ooooh boy, victim blaming, my favortie...

Since then she changed the Lord Scarlet Amino's theme to make it about The Penguins of Madagacar (again, fine with me). Either way she was still a narcissist and I thought she'd, sadly, likely never change. And my friends and I all thought that was the end of it.

Until a few hours ago...

I was browsing the Unikitty Amino and saw a new member named BlueCat. Didn't think anything else of it until the user PMed me. And this is what happened:

I didn't know what to think other than "I thought this day would never come", I was that shaken. This was so left field-ish that what else could I do but believe her? It didn't even seem suspicious or like she was trying to be a suck up, that wasn't Vic at all.

But the one thing I knew I had to do was ban her because even if she meant well and did it for the right(?) reasons, but I still asked if I should in the staff chat. @girly-glorious (also amazing so pls check her out :D) told me that yes, it was ban evasion so since I'm a leader too now I could to it on my own. But I knew I had to message Vic first and Girly told me to be careful, so this is what I sent:

And then I banned her, the end (not really)

Now I don't understand how or why this sudden behavior change happened but I don't know if I should question it in case it's personal. But again, I at least want to believe that she's really being genuine and had a change of heart because never in a million years could I imagine her being this mature. Again, she didn't demand that I forgive me or probably even expect me to. But the message still does leave me feeling sorry for her.

Now I thought that was the real end of it until I see the Penguins of Madagascar/old Lord Scarlet Amino on my sideboard.

She unbanned me.

Now I don't know where we'll go from here, if anywhere. I'm not too sure if I can really let my guard down around someone who hurt me so badly just in case she does it again. So I may not talk to her again, but if she really asks something from me, I might try and build up courage to ask her more about how she came to apologizing to me. Plus she followed me on Wattpad too.

But this is why I didn't show our conversation right before my ban or her "f.u." posts. Because I don't want people seeing more of Vic's past behavior and possibly embarrassing her about it if she ever sees this. But that's kinda why I felt like it was 100% necessary to finally make a sequel post in the end; I'm hoping people at least acknowledge Vic has changed and don't keep thinking about based on what I shared out of attempts to gain sympathy like a crybaby.

So before I go: PLEASE, DON'T GO AFTER OR HARASS VIC. I KNOW YOU PROBABLY WON'T, BUT THIS IS SERIOUS. ALL THE PROBLEMATIC LORD SCARLET DRAMA IS STUFF OF THE PAST AND NEITHER OF US WANT TO KEEP LOOKING BACK ON IT.

I hope this helps whoever's reading as much as it did me.

[mycptsdstory]

I just remembered something really disturbing, when I was little I used stutter a lot because my mum didn't want people to hear me have a Russian accent. It was then I got fausly accused for having selective mutism and autism.

(Okay so basically I got adopted by my Russian dad when I was 7 years old but it wasn't yet confirmed until I was 16 years old because he was still doing the missions for the army. So when I wasn't with him, I was with my biological cunt of a mother. No, my adopted dad and my mother hated each other. No they were never together, no they never had sex and no they were never an item. My adopted dad found me when I was starved, neglected, beaten, raped and abused by my mother. Everytime he wasn't doing a mission, I stayed with him. It wasn't until I was 13 I stayed with him more and when I was 15 years old it got to nearly full time. My adopted dad needed a job where when can look after me and not to go in secret missions for the army. When my dad got murded when I was 16 years old and yes, I'm the one who heard the shotgun and I'm the one who found his body. I thought the adoption papers never went through, but they did. That's why my name hasn't changed because of my fucking mother).

So when I stayed with my mum during when I was 7-13 years old, she forced me not to talk and forced me to have a British accent. It was that bad, my accent sounded fake. (Not really my fault, it's my cunt of a mother).

My mum made up stories that I was stuttering because I had selective mutism (found out years later, I never had selective mutism). So when I tried to talk it was this constant stutter. After my dad got murdered the stutter got bad again and she got me a vocal coach to teach me how to talk in a British accent. Now doing therapy, my true accent is coming out more and more. Like I said, when you speak in a different language, when you learn English you learn the American accent not the british one (no idea why, it's just that way).

So when my stutter was finally gone, my mother boasted how much she was a good mum for getting rid of my stutter. Like she told everyone that she found the cure and everyone should bow down to her 🙄

But that's not really the case. Again, lies.

During when I was 12-14 years old she told everyone that I had autism and the stuttering is apart of selective mutism and autism. I even got a statement saying I have selective mutism and autism. That I can't handle myself, I'm a danger to myself and I can't look after myself. But again, that's not really the case. Complete lies.

(Also to add, my mother told everyone that my adopred dad never existed and I was making it all up. That's when people thought I had schizophrenia because I would talk about my adopted dad, but then my mother got violently angry that I mentioned him. That's why I think she got someone to kill him. So from 7 to 23 years old and wvsb now, she told so many people he didn't exist and if I mentioned him, she would take away my phone, internet, food, the toilet so I had to pee and shit in a bucket and even take my drawing stuff. She was so angry that I mentioned him, she would punch me, pull my hair out and violently attack me. Even one time tried sexually assaulted me with a broom. I hit her with it, so hard she had to go to hospital. She rarely attacked me but I'm physically stronger than her, so it was easy to fight off when she tried. It was just bad. So everyone believed her, but never me. My mother brainwashed her colleeges, friends and family friends to make everyone say my adopted dad never existed. After the murder, she burned all if his pictures, toys and letters. She forgot to burn my teddies because I said she bought them. I still have them and its the only thing I have of my adopted dad left. But I can't forgive my mother and the crap she's done).

Firstly, selective mutism is an extreme anxiety disorder. It doesn't relate too autism and even aspergers. It also doesn't relate to abuse. It's an anxiety fear disorder.

Secondly, autism is a gene that's been passed down by parents and even family. None of my family has got autism or aspergers. Again, lies.

So everyone treated me like I was dumb and I didn't know any better. I even got bullied because I was afraid to talk, that if I talked normally, I would get beaten up. Either way, stuttering or talking, I got bullied. Like it was somehow my fault I had selective mutism. But again, complete lies.

After when I left everything, I started to think that I didn't have selective mutism or autism. It was PTSD all along, but not just PTSD I've got CPTSD. Which basically means its chronic. I had CPTSD since I was a child and only nowadays professionals are starting to realise that children can get serve mental disorders. I never had autism or selective mutism, my mother lied to the benefits, to my schools so she can keep me forever and get money for benefits. Now I've left, my mother has no entitlement for my money and power over me.

I did say in my previous post that selective mutism has the same characteristics as CPTSD and even autism. That's why so many children get diagnosed wrong. It's pretty fucked up.

I just can't get over how my mother manipulated and brainwashed so many people thinking I couldn't do shit on my own. Fuck them! They can die if they still think I'm dumb. I hate them and I cant forgive them.

Sorry for the long post. This is just a bad day and me writing down my memories, is actually helping my memory. Before I couldn't remember, now I can.

[sunsetsover]

i'm so sorry about the election result, it's pure shite :( for headcanons/fics, god PLS do either mama highway coming back oR callum and lexi x

don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault :-( it’s david cameron’s fault.  he literally started this whole shit storm and now he’s pissed off somewhere meanwhile the rest of the country is fucked lmao danny dyer was RIGHT

i would love to talk abt mama highway tbh but i feel like in order to do the subject justice i’d have to really sit down and go back to see what callum/stuart/j*nno have said abt her in the past bc i remember little bits (like didn’t callum talk abt getting a valentine’s card from her last year? but then stuart told whitney that they hadn’t spoken to her in years? so did they retcon that out? idk i have Questions) but i probably don’t remember loads so maybe i’ll come back to her another time and do a proper post abt it. but i do really hope she comes into the picture at some point in the future bc i think it would provide some really good conflict for callum (like just imagine the undeniable anger he’d feel towards her for leaving him with j*nno vs his desire to have a mum and some semblance of his own family... trying to figure out if he wants her around and if can forgive her or if he even WANTS to forgive her... like what if callum wanted to forgive her but stuart wanted nothing to do with her and it caused a rift between them? there’s so much the writers could do w that and it would be so GOOD) and some much needed background/history for callum and stuart. like there’s so much missing there bc none of the highways have really spoken abt her or what happened at all so all we really know is that she left and has (assuming the valentine’s thing has been reconned) never really had anything to do w her sons... but like why did she leave? WHEN did she leave? did she go bc j*nno was an alcoholic and scumbag, or did her leaving make him like that? did she leave for good and basically have nothing to do with any of them, or was she still a mother to them initially? did she try to take them with her, or was she happy to leave them behind and live her own life? does she have other kids now? like??? there is SO much there and it would be so good to explore and it would be so much fun to write.... @ ee hire me

(also lmao i said i wasn’t gonna talk much abt her but look.... i just can’t help myself apparently)

but callum and lexi... god their relationship really is so sweet and i am especially emo abt it today.... i just think it’s so interesting how ben having a kid has never ONCE been a problem for callum like he embraced her straight away and is more than happy to be a part of lexi’s life and god yeah i just love them sm

here are some headcanons for ur enjoyment (i’m sorry i didn’t write u a fic but i do have a lot of callum/lexi in the fics i’m gonna be posting soon so i hope ur not too disappointed 🥺️):

callum is really nervous initially to spend time lexi outside of like normal everyday stuff - like taking her to school, for example, or being around during her bed time. it’s not that he doesn’t like her or doesn’t want to be there, he just doesn’t want to impose. and he worries that he is imposing by doing stuff like that, or maybe she didn’t actually want him there - or around at all - and is just too polite to say. ben assures him, when callum tells him that, that if lexi hadn’t wanted him around she would definitely not have a problem letting everyone know. callum had appreciated him saying that, but didn’t believe him until one day when he was stood in the school playground with ben waiting to pick her up, and she had burst out of the building and went straight for callum, eager to show him the picture she had drawn for him during lunch, when they’d been kept inside because of the weather. ‘oh that’s nice, innit?’ ben had said, feigning insult, ‘you draw a picture for callum, but you don’t draw one for your own dad?’

they bickered playfully while callum had just stared at the picture, a little bit confused as to what it was he was looking at, but appreciative of it all the same. it even had ‘to callum’ in spiky, childish letters written in the top corner.

he turns back into the conversation just in time to catch ben saying ‘no, you can hold callum’s hand if you like him so much’, to which lexi whines and tries to pull ben’s arms away from his chest where he’d crossed them tightly so she can take his hand. he caves a moment later, lifting her up and throwing her over his shoulder and running off with her. a few other parents look over when they hear the commotion - lexi is half laughing, half screaming, and ben is tickling her sides, growling something that sounds like ‘you’re my baby, mine’ - but ben doesn’t even seem to notice. he just stops by the gate, looking back at callum, waiting for him to catch up.

the picture goes straight on his fridge as soon as he gets home. he doesn’t doubt what ben tells him about lexi ever again.

the first time callum and lexi spend proper time alone together, it’s the school holidays and ben is ill at home, and lexi is going a little stir crazy being stuck in the house, which really isn’t helping ben feel any better, but no one else can look after her bc they’re at work or out. so callum offers to take her out for a little while, get her out of ben’s hair so he can rest. he’s never seen ben so grateful.

they only go to the park, but lexi seems excited anyway - holds his hand on the way there without him having to ask, doesn’t wonder too far away from him. he pushes her on the swings for a little while then sits off a ways to watch her play with the other kids at the playground. 

at one point she trips and falls while running and callum absolutely freaks out bc she’s scraped up her knees and palms, but lexi bothered at all. she doesn’t even cry. in fact she’s already stood herself back up by the time callum gets to her, dusting the gravel off her raw knees and palms. she even makes to run off again - callum has to stop her so he can take her somewhere and get her cleaned up.

he’s still freaking out, so he takes her to the pub, figuring mick would know what to do. mick, much to his dismay, laughs when he sees the state callum is in about the whole thing (compared to lexi, who is very much over it), and pulls out a first aid kit for him to use. callum sits her on the bar, and lexi chats to mick about what they’d been doing as callum cleans the dirt off her scrapes, then slathers them in antiseptic cream and carefully puts plasters on both of her knees. he honestly thinks he’d been less stressed dealing with literal war wounds.

callum orders her a lemonade and a packet of crisps out of sheer guilt, which makes mick shoot him a look that screams ‘soft touch’ even as he pulls out a glass and starts filling it. then, as callum passes money to him across the bar, he can’t help but ask mick ‘what am i gonna tell ben and lola? they’re gonna kill me’. mick just laughs. ‘they’re not gonna kill ya. she tripped and scraped her knees, halfway; she’s a kid, these things happen.’ and then he’d passed him his change, and they’d both looked at her, drinking too fast through a straw, kicking her legs against the bar from her stool. ‘look at her,’ mick had said, ‘she’s absolutely fine, ain’t ya?’ and lexi had just smiled around her straw and nodded.

(for the record, ben and lola had not killed him when they had found out. in fact, lola had laughed nearly as hard as mick had when she’d seen how guilty he felt.)

less specific but lexi loving to sit on callum’s shoulders bc he’s so mf tall that she feels like a giant

lexi inviting him to come see her in her school play and callum getting embarrassingly emotional about it

callum being the ONLY ONE who can make her eat her vegetables........ like she will only willingly eat them if she knows callum has cooked them.... it’s actually a bit of a problem bc now she won’t ever eat vegetables anymore....

ben coming home to find lexi AND callum sat on the floor colouring, so immersed they don’t even realize he’s there

callum and lexi being the early risers in the house so most weekends they’ll end up sitting on the couch, sharing a blanket and watching cartoons in the morning while they wait for everyone else to get up

i could literally talk abt callum and lexi all day but i’ll stop there bc this post is long enough as it is but just know i Love Them

💖💖💖